#also they get mad at women who are rightfully offended

[gem-andromeda]

Really thinks its funny how 13 year old me found themselves on alt-right commentary channels like engween and pegasus, cuz now if i try to watch any of their videos i just go "wtf is this shit" and then i go out into the street and wsit to get hit by a car

[miraculouscontent]

omg you guys I got the cutest damn anons, and I mean that in the most patronizing way possible.

Jealous of what, pray tell? A guy who gets handed a girl as his future trophy wife because they’re “destined”?

I’d rather earn my girl through love and respect, thanks. I don’t need the favoritism, mollycoddling, nor help.

I salt/”hate” on Adrien/Chat because it’s fun and the narrative won’t do it for me. Plus, my followers enjoy a good roast and getting anons like you - who feel salty enough to come to a blog when you can just as easily blacklist/block and never see me again - means I’m doing my job right. I appreciate a good ego stroke.

Y’all really see me salting on narrative cliches that are decades old and validate “nice guy” behavior that women everywhere have had to deal with even in modern times and presume that means I’m jealous. Who hurt you?

Guys, I’m crying from laughter. I don’t even know where to begin.

a - The obliviousness/naivete in being unable to tell when someone is sugarcoating their words and giving constant reassurances to their audiences about “not blaming/disrespecting a character” while simultaneously saying that said character is leading a man on, playing with his emotions, and “is secretly in love but won’t admit it” (every follower I have who has ever experienced a pursuer with this type of mindset just shuddered) in such a way so it doesn’t look like salt. Choose your words carefully enough and you can convince people of anything.

The difference with me is that I don’t play that way; if I’m gonna salt, I’m going all in, which tends to be the only actual difference between salters and anti salters who complain but ““”respectfully.”““ I’m not going to pander to or baby my audience because I know my followers are intelligent enough to know what’s up and would rightfully call me out if I straightened my nonexistent tie and went, “Y-y’know, I’m not trying to be salty, but--”

No, I absolutely am. It’s just that I own it.

b - “Flirting VS Banter” is a thin line but also an important distinction, and the notion that “she’s teasing/joking with him, therefore she’s flirting and it’s her fault (who do you think you are, the writing staff?) if he thinks she’s interested despite her reminder every five episodes that she’s into someone else” needs to die. I stand by my comment that if Ladybug had stopped treating Chat like she did in Season 1 after he confessed, y'all would still salt on her for it.

c - The sheer sensitivity of seeing me go after fictional characters while joking about “throwing the whole man away” and then being offended by it. The fact that you go directly after me says a lot about you as a person, not me. I don’t bother messaging people I disagree with directly because not only is a waste of my time, but it’s none of my business. I deal with what my followers give me and don’t expand outside of that because I’m here to give them the catharsis they want.

The best part is that I know that you know that you’re not going to get anything out of me. You know that your ask isn’t going to “convince me” of anything. You get on your high horse and behave as if you have the moral high ground with superlatives like “I think you can do better,” as if you actually care about changing my mind. You might as well have just turned your nose up and said, “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.”

Because you are mad, or you wouldn’t be here in the first place. You don’t care whether I apologize, backpedal, or change my mind, because you’re bitter and you needed to send me this ask because you can’t help yourself (much like Chat’s excuse to Ladybug, now that I think about it). Whether you wanted a rise out of me or not, you needed that release of sending me this while trying to present yourself as the morally correct despite not even trying to debate my argument.

In reality, you’re saltier than I am and you “just won’t admit it.” I go after fictional characters (and the defenses made for them), freeing me to talk about them however I want, whereas you go after people directly because they’re salting on characters who don’t actually exist.

Funny how that works, no?

[sarahlynnirl]

Losing my best friend - Sugar Daddy culture is not empowering

I finally feel strong enough to talk about this and hopefully get some love, support, and reassurance from other women who agree that this is fucked up. I’ve never been “terfy on main” before so here goes. (TW child abuse + SA but no graphic descriptions of SA)

My mother is a narcissist who financially and emotionally abused my father and myself, with some additional physical abuse of me, for as long as I can remember. My dad made plenty of money but my mom controlled it all and made sure it didn’t go towards anything for me beyond the bare minimum required not to look obviously guilty of child abuse and neglect. I met Kiara (not her real name) when I was a junior in highschool and she was a freshman. Her mom was a single Korean woman doing her best to support Kiara and her 2 sisters while also running a Korean restaurant. My first jobs were a summer camp counselor and fitting room attendant at Forever 21. I would spend the last scraps of my paycheck making sure Kiara was able to order a full meal when our friends went out to dinner, buying her little gifts, and generally trying to keep us both as happy and healthy as possible.

When Kiara graduated highschool her mom drove her into Koreatown New Jersey, got her a room in the apartment of an acquaintance, and basically left her to fend for herself. Kiara spoke barely any Korean. She began working at a Korean salon where she met Ariana (not her real name). She had a NY cosmetology license, not an NJ one, while Ariana was an illegal immigrant from Korea so they were both overworked, underpaid, forced to work overtime, paid under minimum wage, and deprived of their tips. They couldn’t report or complain about this since they were both working illegally.

Kiara had to pay rent for the one room she occupied despite her land lady yelling at her, walking into her room while she slept, banning her from having friends over, and reporting to her mom if she spoke to a guy on the phone or a guy dropped her off. I was working at a restaurant in my college town on top of my classes and doing my best to keep surprising her with little gifts, but neither of us had enough disposable income to afford to visit each other. This was really difficult for me as she was my favorite person in the world and I was used to spending every second with her when we both lived in upstate NY. Ariana got them both to start using SeekingArrangement for one time meet ups with Sugar Daddies where they were paid anywhere from $200-2000 for sex. “The first time I ever did it I walked out of the hotel and just screamed because I was so disgusted and I was thinking about his wrinkly skin touching mine and all I wanted to do was get in the shower and scrub it off but I had $1000 cash in my hand for a couple hours of work which was so crazy and kinda made it all worth it ya know?” - Ariana to me

I was immediately skeptical and a little grossed out but Kiara genuinely seemed happier. She was buying new clothes for herself, ordering food to the apartment when she was hungry, and taking trips into NYC to have fun with Ariana and her friends. By the beginning of the summer of 2019, Kiara had found the Sugar Daddy who she would establish a long term agreement with and who ultimately ended up completely supporting her. I’m not going to say his name here but if people want to know it just ask, I am willing to share. He moved her into a much nicer much bigger apartment with Ariana as her roommate. He paid for me to fly up and visit her, and all of our activities during this vacation. I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry. I wish I shoved the money back in her hand before it was too late, I wish I worked harder and longer hours and got us an apartment in Florida and paid both of our rent. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t listen to my instincts and allowed her to brush off my concerns. It was the most freedom we had ever had, I ran around NYC by myself while she was at work, and my ex took the bus to NJ from upstate NY and joined us for a few days. I feel so selfish but I also didn’t know how bad things would get.

One night Kiara and I went to NYC for dinner with her SD and she took the bus back to the apartment because she had to work early the next morning. It made sense for me to stay in the city because I was supposed to visit my friend at NYU the next morning. In the Uber to his apartment alone with him he was drunk and high and I very clearly looked scared shitless. At this point she was 19 (but she had looked that way since age 17 and I doubt he would have minded if she was lying about her age), I was 21 and he was 44. He seemed offended by my discomfort and was basically like “jeez relax I’m not gonna touch you, I really care about Kiara I think she’s so amazing, just go to the guest room and sleep, make a left to walk to NYU when you wake up.” I peaced the fuck out of there early the next morning.

After that summer Kiara and Ariana quit their jobs at the Korean salon and sugaring became their sole incomes. Ariana was still doing one time meet ups, not nearly as financially stable as Kiara, and got herself into a lot of credit card debt that to my knowledge she’s still in. At this point Kiara was flying down and staying with me in Florida so often that people at my college thought she went there too. I also wasn’t working at this point because college had gotten harder and my ex was fucking up my mental health real bad. He had given me a coke problem and Kiara sending me “grocery money” was enabling me to continue. I wasn’t honest with her about where all the money was going. During Halloween week we didn’t know that she couldn’t just snort molly (MDMA) with the frequency I was doing coke, she ODed, my guy best friend took us to the ER, it was so fucking scary, she got IV fluids for 2 hours and made a full recovery, she stopped doing molly, I kept doing coke. I’m so sorry :(

In November her SD paid for us to take a trip to Cancun Mexico. He was with us for the first part of the trip and this is where things started to get really bad. He tried to be my friend and act the way a boyfriend of my best friend who was my age would, but it was creepy and wrong and I was so uncomfortable. He asked about my drug use in a way that was gross and shamey and basically him seeing me as the “coke whore” stereotype...while continuing to buy me more coke. He also brought and gave us ecstasy pills. He asked really invasive questions about my relationship with my ex, why I stayed, my sex life, etc. It felt like an uncle asking me these questions, I did NOT wanna talk about any of this with him. But from what I did say it was very clear to someone with 44 years of life experience that I had an abusive mother, an addictive personality, and was in an unhealthy relationship. He offered to set me up with an SD friend of his looking for a sugar baby. I of course declined because I always knew this was a boundary I wasn’t willing to cross. No matter how bad my addictions got I would NOT give up that piece of myself in return for money.

In this part of Mexico, drugs that were only given with a prescription in the US were available over the counter. Kiara and I got a little box of 1mg Xanax with my money. My ex had given us Xanax a couple times in NY and we had fun with it, but at this point in time we did NOT have a problem with it. We had bought one bar, broken it in half, and each took half one night of Halloween week and called it “xanpires”, but this wasn’t something we were scripted or buying regularly from plugs. We went to dinner with her SD, we got up to go to the bathroom, and she immediately slipped and hit the ground. I was like woah did you take one of the xans and forget? Because we were supposed to tell each other if we were taking one so we could look out for each other. I was never mad at her! I never wanted money from her! I was just a little concerned, and once I determined that she was safe we thought it was kinda funny that she had taken a xan without realizing and started joking around about it. Her SD of course didn’t understand how a 19 year old and 21 year old girl joke with each other because he was a creepy old man, decided that we were “arguing”, and got up from the restaurant, walked across the street, bought a 90 count bottle of 2mg xans and gave it to me. This was honestly the most irresponsible way someone has ever treated me in my life, and this is coming from someone with an abusive and neglectful parent. Google “benzo withdrawal” if you’re not familiar with it.

We went to a different hotel, and Kiara and I both took xans and blacked out. I passed out on the guest bed, while Kiara was awake but in a conscious blackout. I woke up on the couch on the balcony (which was fine, it was comfy and I saw the sunrise over the beach. The gross part was that meant her SD had picked me up, put his hands on my body while I was unconscious and carried me out there). I remembered that at one point I had woken up, wanted to go to the bathroom or get something from inside, caught a glimpse of what I thought was them having sex, and went back outside. I mentioned it to Kiara and she had no memory of it whatsoever, she thought all she had done was gone to sleep. She was rightfully pissed the fuck off that her SD had taken advantage and done things with her while she was blacked, screamed at him, he gave us a half ass apology, and bought us more stuff (buying our silence). He finally flew home and we got to enjoy the trip with just each other, but I was careless with the dosage of a drug called tramadol, and I ODed with my head in her lap...I’m sorry. When I woke up I was hallucinating, hearing voices, crying hysterically and terrified. Kiara called my ex who asked how many mg I took, told us I was 100mg short of the amount that would require medical attention, made me laugh, and told me to go to sleep. I recognize how scary and unfair to her this was and I really do take responsibility for my actions. The day I was supposed to leave I did ecstasy, hooked up with a guy from Canada, and tried to skip my flight. She was mad because like yeah what the fuck. She got me on the flight, the ecstasy comedown hit, and there’s pictures of me crying in the airport because I hated when we fought.

I was supposed to stop in Miami, then fly back to my college town but while in Miami I texted my granny that I was “sad and really didn’t feel good and could she and my uncle visit me at the airport and bring my uncles dog?”. Her parenting instincts went off that something was very wrong, made me skip the flight, picked me up from the airport and took me to her house where I immediately threw up and ran an extremely high fever that night. She said it was one of the scariest nights of her life and she kept checking on me to see if I needed to go to the hospital. She drove me back to my college town where my guy best friend took me to the ER and it came out that Kiaras SD, in addition to giving me drugs, had also allowed me to drink Mexican tap water throughout the entire trip. I was treated for that + given chlamydia meds just in case since I’d had unprotected sex in a foreign country. I was fine, promised to do better, Kiara forgave me, things started to go back to normal. Except I had begun taking Xanax daily to deal with the anxiety of the illness...and she had a trip to Bali planned.

During that trip things managed to get even worse. She was there with her SD and another Korean friend and her SD was pressuring her and guilting her into sex, isolating her from her friend, going through her phone, and becoming extremely aggressive. She would call me crying and having panic attacks and I would walk out of class to try to comfort her over FaceTime. She did not have panic attacks before this trip. She begged to go home early because something was very wrong but he said it was a waste of money and kept her in Bali until the planned end of the trip. I think it was almost a month. She sent me a recording she secretly took of him screaming at her and her saying “don’t touch me, don’t grab me like that, leave me alone”. When she got back to the US I was begging her to stop. I was so worried for her safety. I said the money wasn’t worth it, we’ll get jobs, please just stop. I’m pretty sure he read those messages. We also had a suspicion that he had installed spyware on her phone but were never able to prove it. At this point I also reached out to my dad for help and his response was basically “I don’t care, not my problem, focus on school”. I reached out to my granny who absolutely cared, but her response was “I’m sorry but I can’t afford to support her, I have to focus on taking care of you, if she won’t stop this you’ll have to stop being friends with her”.

I went home to New York for winter break, suffered through my first round of Xanax withdrawal and was truly trying to get better but my ex manipulated his was back in my life and got me addicted again....but now this bottle of 90 had run out. I went back to my college town, got scripted, and was copping street bars when my script inevitably ran out early. What comes next is blurry for obvious reasons. We moved to the town in Florida my granny lived in and got an apartment together. The female friends she made in our town (my current home) she got most of them into sugaring and using SeekingArrangement. Things deteriorated super fast at this point. I was struggling hard, failing my online classes, and eventually got completely financially cut off by my parents. My granny was paying my half of the rent and my puppy’s vet bills but I was too embarrassed to admit I couldn’t afford groceries. Kiara was pressuring me hard to go on SeekingArrangement but I still refused. I would sit on the floor of the bathroom in a towel after I showered and just cry because the steam made me nauseous and dizzy since I wasn’t eating.

I met my current boyfriend and something just started to click: I didn’t wanna live like this anymore. The mom of a friend from this town who also refuses to sugar landed me an interview at the gym I currently work at, I fought for the job, and I got it. Now I knew I didn’t wanna be completely fucked up all the time anymore but I was still doing enough Xanax to keep me out of withdrawal. The 2mg that had blacked me out at the beginning were now just barely enough to keep me functional. Kiara and I were fighting frequently and bad by this time. She and her partner in sugaring, Mena (not her real name but pretty close to it, fuck this bitch fr) were expecting me to keep how they made their money a secret....from friends and guys that I saw every single day. They both very obviously did not work and were flexing new cars, designer clothes, and cash all over their social media. Kiara thought she could cover her ass by saying she dealt drugs but it was also obvious that she wasn’t putting the time into that to come up with the amount of money she had. The only one dealing drugs was me, and not enough to do anything flashy, just enough that in addition to my work money I was usually getting enough to eat. But there were still some times when the previous weeks paycheck had run out and I was having my first meal of the day at 3pm after someone had bought adderall from me. We had our serious serious fight where she threw my stuff in the lawn and I lived with my current boyfriend full time for about a couple weeks since my bedroom at my granny’s was getting refloored when this happened.

By January 20th he was concerned by my Xanax problem and wanted me to seriously try to stop. At the time I started tapering because I wanted the girlfriend title but I’m forever grateful for him giving me a reason, even if it was a shallow one, because I just needed to START. We tried to reconcile once, despite boyfriend and guy best friend begging me not to, and of course the same problems reappeared, we had another serious fight and haven’t spoken since.

Now the fog is clearing and today I’m 96 days clean of xanax, 16 days clean of all benzos, and 19 days clean of gabapentin (what was keeping me from having a seizure while quitting benzos). But it’s hard because being out of the fog means feeling all of my emotions, even the really bad ones. This past week I’ve been waking up and crying sitting in front of my mirror trying to put my makeup on for work and it just drips right off and I have to start over. She was my best friend for 8 years. My favorite person. My partner in life. I loved her more than anyone.

My boyfriend and guy best friend are pretty uncomfortable when they hear someone express an opinion of me that’s “Kiara’s side of the story” and I don’t correct it. Both of them saw exactly how bad it got near the very end and don’t get why I don’t defend myself more or tell people about her letting my dog eat dab (THC) wax while she was supposed to be watching her and having to be rushed to the animal hospital TWO separate times. (She’s a Pomeranian and the highly concentrated THC was super dangerous to her tiny little body). Yelling at me and giving me the silent treatment because less than 48 hours after my SA she expected me to drive her to a hair appointment in Miami and I woke up late and didn’t get her there on time with traffic. Me begging her to be there for me when it felt like everything was falling apart and I self harmed for the first time and her leaving me to go on a vacation to Orlando with a girl we didn’t even really like. Me not wanting to sleep in the apartment alone after my SA and her not letting me sleep in her bed anymore, her and Mena just dumping me at the neighbor’s so they could continue to sugar, party, and see guys our age at night (this sounds super awful but neighbors roommate —> current boyfriend. He kept me safe until I felt better, was really sweet and careful, and I was the one to make the first move). There’s more but I really don’t like talking about it, after the abuse she went through and I assume is still going through, I expect her to be pretty damaged and not have it in her to treat people right all the time. Not exposing every bad thing she’s ever done to all our mutual friends and acquaintances is kind of my last gift to her.

I also admit that sugaring wasn’t responsible for everything that went wrong. Loving an addict is difficult and exhausting and I went through it myself with my ex. I was also out bi and she was “probably straight, maybe a little bi-curious” in her words. But when she was drunk or on Xanax she’d kiss me first...we had done more than kiss but only during 3somes with a guy. I don’t know, I think I loved her more than I was supposed to and some of the stuff she’d say made me think she saw me in a way she really didn’t. When we first moved to this town I had a thing with a girl and expected it to be no big deal but things here were different than up north. I got called the d slur for the first time by someone who wasn’t joking. It was like getting slapped I was so shocked and hurt, I truly didn’t think that happened anymore. I think she saw what happened to me and kinda closed off that part of herself because she didn’t wanna experience that herself. She stopped making out with me at bars and parties after that and it made me sad and maybe a little jealous. But I really do blame her SD for basically “breaking her”, for handing me that first bottle of free Xanax, for a lot of other little things that I can’t possibly include because this is already way too long. This is my first time even saying this much. Feel free to add your own experiences or thoughts on this or anything you’d like. [I’m prepared to get death threats or called a SWERF or whatever but I don’t care, now that I started talking about this I’m not going to stop.]

[deepwaterministries]

Esther 1

- the king was named Ahasuerus, who reigned from India to Ethiopia, 127 provinces.

- he reigned Persia, which, as the silver shoulders in King Nebuchadnezzar's dream, was on of the most powerful kingdoms in the world. Thus, it is safe to say King Ahasuerus was one of the most wealthy, powerful people in the world. His word was law. Here is a picture of the room he hosted the parties in:

- Vashti was throwing a party for all when julwomen of the palace.

- he summoned Vashti to show off, and she refused to come, so he was mad. I don't think the two of them had a very healthy relationship.

- his next actions were at least partially to save face, a) so women would still respect and subject to their husbands, and b) prevent strife, because if the king didn't have authority, who did?

- so the king agreed to the words of his advisors, and an irrevocable decree was issued, the queen banished, so every man was the leader of his household and could keep his family according to the ways of his people.

Esther 2

- even though the action was backed with fact, a better action could have been taken, had the king not acted in anger. He went over the events in his mind in a regretful way.

- apparently, the king had a lot of wives and concubines, and Vashti had been feasting with them. Those were her friends.

- it seems the king and queen didn't have a very good relationship. So Vashti's actions are explainable if not justifiable. (Lack of respect for a) another person, b) her husband, and c) authority)

- the advisors told him to gather young, virgin maidens and have them beautified by Hegai, then whichever he liked best, he could make her queen.

- Moderdecai and Esther were Benjamites. I just think that's cool.

- Esther impressed Hegai with her kindness. He gave her 7 attendants and the best part of the house.

- she didn't tell them her people, on request of Mordecai.

- Mordecai visited her daily, to check on her. He was an excellent adoptive faster, and we can see it even more so later on.

- after a year of beauty treatments, each women got a turn to come before the king. She was given whatever she wished and sent to the king for a single night. The next morning, she was taken to the king's harem , to live with his other concubines. She would never see him again unless the king remembered her name. And the fact that Esther's was the only name the king remembered speaks about this horrible practice.

- when it was Esther's turn, she took nothing but what Hegai recommended, and everyone who saw her liked her.

- the king, along with everyone else, loved her. He remembered her name. Out of the hundreds of beautiful women, he remembered Esther. This was no accident, not a coincidence that a godly woman found favor with the king, becoming queen. God put Esther Into the place she needed to be to help His people.

- Esther loved and respected Mordecai, and rightfully so.

- Mordecai ended up being by the king's gate a lot. He was probably known pretty well by the palace inhabitance.

- because of Mordecai's hanging out around the palace, he overheard Bigthan and Teresh plotting to kill the king.

- he tells Esther, who tells the king, and tells him a little about Mordecai (not too much, just his name)

- so the king's life is saved and Mordecai's name is recorded in the king's files. All because Esther had become queen. "That was no accident either," ~Master Oogway

Esther 3

- later, Ahasuerus promoted Haman above all the princes and of the king's servants were made to bow down to him. Mordecai didn't. The king's servants asked Mordecai why he wouldn't bow, and told him daily that he was supposed to. They talked to Haman to see if he would let Mordecai get away with it, since they knew he was a Jew.

- Haman was furious at Mordecai, and wanted to lay hands on (fight) him, but decided that him alone wasn't enough. Haman decided to take revenge on and destroy all Jews under Ahasuerus' kingdoms.

- in the first month of the year, Haman cast lots and decided when to destroy the Jews. He settled on the 12th month.

- he then told the king that a certain people were living in his lands that didn't follow the king's laws and kept to themselves, saying that it wouldn't profit the king to let them live. Just because he didn't like a single person he convinced the king the entire group was evil and needed eradication. He even put a bribe on the Jews heads, that if the king let them be destroyed, Haman would pay 10,000 sacks of silver into the king's treasury. The king didn't take it, he said the money and the people were Haman's to do what he would with.

- and it was sent out to every part of the kingdom. On the 13th day of the 12th month, every single Jew must die, and everything they possessed would be distributed to those who killed them.

Esther 4

- When Mordecai learned about the coming slaughter, he tore his clothes and donned mourning attire; sackcloth and ashes, and wept in the streets. He came up to the palace, but didn't go in, as people in sackcloth couldn't go in.

- ^both to preserve the decadence of the palace and to keep protesters away from the king.

- (also just those in mourning/mourning clothes couldn't go in cuz of the above)

- Esther sent Mordecai new clothes, but he refused them. She sent one of the King's chamberlains to go talk to Mordecai and figure out what was wrong. (Esther wasn't supposed to leave the castle so as to not get mobbed or injured)

- so the chamberlain talked to Mordecai, and Mordecai told him all about Haman's decree, giving him a copy of the decree, with an order to go to the king and plead on behalf of the Jews.

- the chamberlain told these things to Esther, and Esther told him to tell Mordecai that no one, man or woman, can't come into the king's inner court without the king's calling them. The offender would be killed if the king didn't extend his golden scepter to them.

- the king hadn't called Esther in thirty days.

- Mordecai returned with this message, "Don't think that you'll escape this because you're in the palace. If you hold your peace now, mercy for the Jews will come from somewhere else, but you and your line will perish. Who knows? Maybe this is why you were made queen?"

- I want to talk about Mordecai for a minute. Esther communicated clearly her situation, without strings attached, because she had a good relationship with him. He then told her her what was going to happen,, not sugar coating, not trying to damage. He knew that one way she would die and the other she might live and have a chance to help many people. I can logically say that he had prayed about it and learned what to tell her. GOOD COMMUNICATION.

- He also allowed himself to deal with negative emotions; even though he knew the Jews would be saved, he allowed shelf to let out his mourning so he could be clear headed and mentally healthy. Jesus did something similar much later with Lazarus. Even though he knew he could raise him back to life, he was still sad at the death of a close friend, even family. He wept, but then he got up and took care of things. You can't heal until the thing causing the hurt is addressed and delt with.

- Esther asked that the Jews in Shushan fasted for her 3 days, and her maids and she would do the same. "And if I perish, I perish." Mordecai did what she asked. (Sympathy for her difficult task from Mordecai; huge devotion to God and her people from Esther. Being totally willing to die for God's will, showing that even though she might have felt unqualified, she could be a courageous leader.)

Esther 5

- from the way Ahasuerus talks to her,the has grown to respect her. Referring to her as Queen Esther, offering her up to half the kingdom, (and not in a flirty way, I. The way he would offer a trusted court member such a gift. And remember, most court members at this time were male, so for him to respect and trust her this much is amazing.)

- she invited the king and Haman both to a banquet. They attended, and the king asked what her real request is. She said for them both to come to another banquet tomorrow when she'd tell him what she really wanted.

- Haman went away full of joy, but hid mood was spoiled when he saw Mordecai at the gate, not bowing. Even so, he came home, and told his friends and his wife, Zeresh, about all the ways he was rich and how the king had promoted him. He then told them how the queen had invited only him and the king to a private banquet, and how he was invited to another one of the same style tomorrow.

- even Haman with his ego respected Esther. He's not the sort to look up to people, and from the way be speaks about her, he really looks up to her. She must have been doing a great job as Queen to earn the respect of such a self centered man.

- he finishes by saying that all of these things are worth nothing to him as long as he sees Mordecai at the gate.

- the assembled group suggests that he erect a gallows and request the king that Mordecai be hanged on it in the morning, then he could enjoy the banquet later.

- the way they tell him this, nonchalant and certain, tells me that Haman often gets whatever he wants from the king and is a slight power behind the throne.

[sugar-petals]

Sub!RM Analysis: The Case of Jessi

On request by anon. As always... With body language! ❤️

Previous analyses: Sub!BTS ◆ Sub!JK ◆ Sub!Yoongi (pt.2, pt.3) ◆ Sub!Tae/Hobi/Joon

One thing’s for sure: Namjoon gets active being courteous with assertive ladies. He becomes super focused, gets excited easily (read: horny), makes tremendous efforts, is flirtatious, shy, cute. I reckon no other member in Bangtan can be as suave as RM. Not even Jimin. Who’s the Prince of Charm as we know. But it’s all a bit chaotic, extroverted, and depends on the mood. Namjoon is so deliberate being consistently smooth, the understated way. And herein lies his strong point: He knows the method of how to always put her first. 

Now our interest here is how that goes together with his submissive side. A perfect exhibit of how Namjoon gravitates toward dominant women, gets along well, and is being suave, where do we find something like that. I think we can actually get quite a lot out of the first mins of Hello Counselor, May 2015. In which Namjoon was conveniently seated next to the domme in charge: Jessi. We all know what she prefers:

Jessi’s dominant through and through: public image, behind the scenes — even if she can be gentle, on stage. It’s true that she amps it up there, don’t get me wrong. But she is known for a very direct approach in person wherever she goes, and has always hinted at being similar sexually speaking in her songs, from Noona Kinks to leashes:

She’s a good, close to foolproof example if we want to look at dommes. RM, believe it or not, met her, they interacted a lot, and something surprising happened. 

1:42 It’s already the first scene and he’s at it. Jessi, being her dominant self, is confronting the MC quite confidently. And what does RM do? He shifts his body closer to her. He didn’t look like he noticed. I did. Caught you, Joon.

2:07 Now that Jessi is at full throttle taking over the show as always, Joon gets coy. He looks down and fiddles with his cuff. Boy’s nervous. Look at that smol bean.

2:14 Unlike Taehyung, Joon looks at her performance smiling and stares. He nods his head along to the rap but then tries to avoid looking at her? No, His eyes go up to the left, upwards. That means accessing memory, emotion, and thinking. He’s analyzing what she says, too. Note his entire body’s moving to the rhythm while most of the other cast members sit still. That guy is feeling it and tries to figure her out at the same time. 

2:38 More nervousness. This time: touching the calves. He often caresses himself to be calmer. His rap intonation is strangely sharp there, obviously, he’s trying to impress but not overshadow her because he keeps it brief. Jessi, of course, is super happy and claps, flips her hair to the side. Acknowledgement!

3:34 More peacocking. Namjoon clumsily dances backwards right into her zone but his face says smug. That was no coincidence. He looks back at her twice. She imitates the moves. He’s satisfied with the results and looks at Tae like good job! Now Jessi is a bit nervous and fiddles at her tank top. She always pushes her hair back to flirt, exposing the neck (pheromones, showing an erogenous area to kiss, you know how it goes), and guess on which side? Namjoon’s. 

4:08 They’re back to the start: Namjoon messing with his own shirt. A minute later, it’s his plushie pillow. Do you see how they went back and forth? That’s mirroring — aka they like each other. You’ll see it all over, especially when both clasp their hands the same way. It’s good chemistry, a good dynamic.

6:04 A classic tough-minded joke by Jessi. Nobody looks at her laughing except Namjoon who is genuinely giggling with her turning his head. But downwards, looking at her from below. Subservience! As he does that, her front foot shifts towards him! Then, they lean their bodies to the exact same side. 

9:01 Again, their bodies sync to align. Joon is busy stroking his calf again. Then laughs his ass off to ease the awkward tension when Jessi gets a negative spotlight and super pissed since she fits the rapper stereotype that the mom criticizes. He also sends sceptical, uneasy gazes and a crooked smile to the mom. You can tell by the expression, “oh dear, what does she say to Jessi next...”

9:45 They almost touch! By him pointing at Jessi’s knees during the torn jeans joke. And he uses both hands for that, not just one, wtf! Even a flat palm just hovering there lmao. Physical Freudian slip, that guy is dying to touch her but won’t since he catches himself (good boy). Jessi, however, is leaning back either way, it’s unclear whether he dodges or not since she faces the other way in the first place. She is rather uncomfortable at more negative focus on her created by the hosts, so Namjoon again tried to ease the situation. 

Meanwhile, they have completely synchronized their positions — Jessi crossed her legs, Namjoon clasped his hands, both got themselves a pillow to hold on their lap: 

Notice again how she keeps her hair to the other side so he can see her face/expression.

12:38 Perfect simultaneous head turn! 

13:16 While Jessi has a mad as fuck glare toward the rude daughter, Namjoon is busy pulling his lip down with his pinky and thumb? What! Like hello madam, don’t mind the drama, how about kisses instead (remember her neck display earlier. it fits). Again, he tries to distract from Jessi getting into trouble. It’s really a consistent topic how he accommodates.

When she is very straightforward, RM says appeasing things. It’s striking that he doesn’t get aggressive, offended, contemptuous, or tries to resist like most men Jessi rightfully calls out but works his way around being diplomatic. Even if he is not part of the conflict, he still backs her up, and that says something about how selfless his affection is apart from wanting to seize her attention.

I think their dominant vs submissive inclinations sort of polarize but right when it gets interesting, they sort of disperse because other people get the screen time. For the rest of the broadcast I just noticed they return to sync pretty often, Jessi looks at him quite intently, and keeps her hair from falling to his side at all times :’) 

So this is what we got. Take a look yourself. I think his behaviour is quite notable: wanting her close, always endorse, impressing her, being pretty nervous because something’s at stake. He’s definitely the kind of sub who will show his fondness quite readily (à la Taehyung or Jimin) instead of going into his shell waiting for initiative. I observed Jungkook and Yoongi doing this many times which is simply their unique manner of doing it. It takes another type of domme for that. Namjoon will be demonstrative and supportive right away on the other hand. And that’s a good closing note describing his way of submission, he has a lot of what I think the modern devoted gentleman can offer a domme.

[the-bounce-back]

YOU DESERVE ACCOLADES!

For those of you that don’t know, I’ve finally started my dream job in London after a long time of umming and ahhing. It’s still very early days, but so far everything is going amazingly well - I’m being challenged, I get to work with something I actually care about, and I’m finally being valued as a human being and not being treated like an imbecile despite doing most of the work. Shade definitely intended.

As I’m still getting used to actually enjoying going to work in the morning, I’ve been reflecting a lot on the process I had to get through to even get to this point. I had to get through three phone interviews, trek all the way from Nottingham to London for two separate face-to-face interviews and two one-hour online assessments. The whole recruitment process ended up taking two months.

Two. Whole. Months.

Of course, I was applying for multiple other jobs in the meantime because I’m not a simpleton. I went for a few face-to-face interviews and had loads of phone interviews, whilst secretly hoping that this job would work out. After a while I clocked that I really, really needed it to - because all I was getting from other jobs were endless rejections.

Even the best of us would get disheartened from constantly hearing “no” all the time. I became so immensely riddled with self-doubt and anxiety that I almost withdrew my application, cancelled the whole move to London and was fully prepared to stay at my old job in Nottingham. However - when the momentary madness subsided - I realised that if I really and truly wanted this job, I’d have to change my whole outlook and approach. So I did, and… it worked. Obviously.  I want to share how I changed my thinking so hopefully someone else can be blessed like this, too!

I want to make clear that although I used these thought processes for the sake of acing my interview, it can definitely be applied to improving self-confidence in general, giving yourself constructive criticism and - most importantly - giving yourself the accolades you know you deserve. I think taking the following points into consideration will aid you in quickly nipping insecurities in the bud when they rear their ugly ass heads.

1. Force yourself to speak highly of yourself.

I feel like a lot of us - especially women - have been taught from a very young age to remain humble and modest, and that coming across as arrogant is immensely undesirable and considered almost rude. In theory, I agree with this - knowing when the appropriate time to speak up on your selling points is important - but I also think that these teachings have been blown out of proportion.

The unfortunate truth is that modern society literally feeds on our insecurities like leeches, and this has arguably resulted in a stigmatisation of people that display high amounts of self-confidence. We’ve all probably at some point in our lives looked at someone that shamelessly promotes themselves and been… offended, for lack of a better word. I can definitely admit that I’ve felt almost annoyed at people in the past, when they’ve entered my timeline with their businesses, creative side hustles, achievements etc. Definitely had the nerve to mutter “who the hell do you think you are?!” in disgust to myself.

Stop doing this.

As if they had a slightest ounce of interest in the negative opinions I had about the successes of the projects they had been grinding so hard for. How cute (pathetic).

I genuinely feel ashamed of myself for thinking like this now, but at least I have forced myself to start unlearning this kind of behaviour. Because if someone is genuinely confident in what they are doing, who am I to come and criticise them? Jealousy and bitterness are even worse traits than arrogance anyway, in my opinion - and confident people really couldn’t care less about what jealous people think of them putting themselves out there. Furthermore, people that allow themselves to be constrained by societal expectations regarding humility and modesty definitely end up blocking a lot of their own blessings...so I decided to join the winning team, and you should too.

If you have ever been to a standard job interview, you know that they will almost definitely ask you what your biggest strength and weakness is. I know for a fact that my biggest strength in my field is that I am exceptional at building a rapport with potential clients and maintaining positive professional relationships, and I was always praised for this at my old job. But since I was still figuring out the fine line between self-confidence and arrogance at the time, I found myself being extremely tentative in job interviews, starting sentences like:

“I think that I’m good at…”

“I could use some improvement, but I think I’m ok at…”

“I’m alright at…”

Disgusting and sauceless. No wonder I wasn’t hearing and good news back, to be honest - I feel that recruiters can smell insecurities from a mile away.

Luckily, by the time I got around to doing face-to-face interviews for this job I had already clocked that I was underselling myself, and made a conscious effort to not list my strengths following words like “I think”. Instead, I forced myself to start sentences with:

“I am exceptionally good at…”

“I definitely excel at…”

“I am very confident that I can…”

After each interview during the process - when the recruiter would call me and recap the interview and how I did - I always got the feedback that they were impressed with my assertiveness and self confidence (even if I did end up blurting out “not to be arrogant, but yeah” after most questions. Old habits die hard, I guess).

The bottom line is: you have to remove the fear of believing in yourself 100%. Because if you don’t, who else will?

2. Big up your achievements instead of focusing on your L’s.

If I had a penny for every time I cussed myself out for being 2% away from a distinction on my Masters degree, I’d literally not even have had to apply for this job. I’d be retired on a yacht somewhere in the Caribbean, laughing at all my broke friends having to work for a living. It still annoys me to this day, because I know exactly what I could’ve done to boost my final grade in the subject that dragged my GPA down. Internally kicks self.

However - I really could’ve used all this energy to instead focus on that I have two whole degrees. I slaved for four consecutive years and made it through alive and with (most of) my sanity intact. Plus, on top of that, I was fighting a lot of internal battles and issues, that very nearly pushed me to the point of dropping out.

But I didn’t. Because I’m a Boss Ass B*tch™.

I truly believe that many people would have folded if they had to go through the same things I was dealing with at the time, and reflecting on how resilient and strong I was when I was still going through it definitely makes those pesky 2% off my final grade seem insignificant - and this is exactly how you should regard your achievements in life.

Your achievements obviously don’t have to be academic; I’m just one of those people that likes to measure my success through receipts and certificates. The deal here is to truly reflect on everything you’ve done in life, and celebrate any and all obstacles you’ve overcome - and learn to do so without feeling that you’re coming across as arrogant. Because if you know that what you’re giving yourself praise for is true and you can back it up, you’re really just being confident in yourself and there is nothing wrong with that.

If you’re struggling to think of achievements, they can literally be anything - regardless of how small they may seem to you. Consider different aspects of your personal life that mean a lot to you - e.g. fitness, a hobby, your friends/family, your mental health - and try to break them down into different goals that you have reached, or are very close to reaching. For each achieved goal you can think of, give yourself an accolade.

Managed to improve your 5k running time? Accolade.

Finally got the promotion? Accolade.

Saved enough money to buy yourself something you’ve wanted for a long time? Accolade.

Overcome a mental health issue? Accolade.

Given birth to a healthy baby? Infinite accolades because...wow.

As previously said, it can be anything - it doesn’t necessarily have to be something that you can big up in a job interview. As long as reflecting on it fills you with pride and gives you a rightfully earned ego-boost, it counts. The goal is to become so (healthily) obsessed with celebrating your achievements and pushing yourself to do better, that you stop beating yourself up over mistakes and failures that you can’t do anything about and that are holding you back from appreciating your abilities.

In terms of job hunting, I often made the mistake of drawing the attention to that I was sOoOo close to getting a distinction, which might have affected my chances at getting other jobs. I don’t know why it always ended up coming up - I think I was subconsciously worried that I’d be labelled a fraud if they ended up hiring me based on my degree and later found out that I was *gasp* 2% off. But when I applied for this job, I made the conscious effort to place the focus on that I have two degrees, and on the knowledge that I got from them. I think that when they heard how mindblowingly intelligent I am, the grade didn’t even matter!

Finally, if you’re anything like me, your L’s usually aren’t even that big of a deal at the end of the day. No one gives as much thought to your mistakes as yourself - the severity of the mistake is almost always unnecessarily amplified in your head, usually because you’re obsessing over how you could’ve done things differently to avoid it. Once you let go of this obsession, and just learn to accept that what has happened has happened, I think it will be a lot easier to focus on the positives.

3. Acknowledge your areas of improvement.

Notice how I prefer to use the term “areas of improvement” as opposed to “weaknesses”. The word “weakness”, to me, means that there is something inherently wrong with someone that cannot be improved upon or changed - which is rarely ever the case.

As earlier discussed, anyone who has ever been to a job interview (like, ever) will know that the interviewer is guaranteed to ask what your biggest strength and biggest weakness is. If you’re anything like me - extremely self-critical and almost painfully self-aware - thinking of a “weakness” is probably quite easy, because chances are you’re thinking about them every day and trying your best to not let them get the best of you.

I have a method to deal with these areas of improvement that has greatly benefitted me in my private life, but I am also convinced that this approach is one of the main reasons why I ended up getting this new job. Hopefully you can use it for your self-improvement, too!

Basically, I start off by acknowledging the area of improvement. I’ll use the ones I brought up in my interview: the anxiety I get when doing presentations in front of industry/topic experts, as well as struggling to know when I should take a break from solving a problem.

When I say I’d rather die than do a presentation to senior management or take a break when I feel like I’m close to resolving an issue, people think I’m exaggerating. I really am not.

However - instead of simply stating that I’d rather perish than do these things - I took the time to consider where these feelings stem from. I definitely think that I suffer from impostor syndrome - meaning that I have this constant internalised feeling that I’ll be exposed as an impostor or fraud. Namely in an environment where I’m surrounded by experts that can smell bullsh*t from a mile away. Furthermore, I know that I become obsessed with minor details during projects and find it hard to tear away from it because I’m worried that I’ll lose my train of thought - when really, what I actually need is a break in order to come back to the project later with a fresh mind.

After finding out the root cause of the area of improvement comes what I consider the most important part: solutions to eliminate this area of improvement. For me, I was able to state that my fear of public speaking can be combated by preparing presentations long in advance and ensuring that I am extremely confident and knowledgeable of the material I am presenting. For my inability to tear myself away from work that I’m stuck on, I said that I am working on not being so hard on myself and allowing myself to take breaks to refresh my mind.

Of course, this process - acknowledging the issue → understanding the root of the issue → finding solutions to the issue  - can be applied to a lot of different instances in life. However, I feel that it is especially helpful in terms of self confidence and putting your best foot forward in a job interview scenario, mainly because it gives you an advantage over other interviewees: proof that you are a problem-solver.

See it this way - yes, being able to provide a few “weaknesses” shows that you are self-critical and self-aware, but also explaining on how you plan to overcome these weaknesses in the same breath? 

Whew. Amazing. The future CEO jumped out.

4. Make use of constructive criticism.

Although self-celebration and self-confidence starts with you, having supportive people on the same wavelength as you that genuinely want you to win comes as a close second place in terms of the most important things to have in your life. Regardless of if they are family or close friends, having people that see your drive, passion and hard work is extremely important - because it is these people that will be brutally honest with you and give you well needed kicks in the right direction on your off days.

Again, this really applies to anything you venture into, whether it’s a creative side hustle, hobby, new job, music, your own business...you get the point. Of course, whilst the praise and positivity is important as well, having those people that will tell you straight up when you need to do better for the sole purpose of them wanting to see you succeed is crucial - even when it’s hard to hear sometimes.

This blog is actually a perfect example - I always send the link to my friends + other people who I know will be honest with me in terms of feedback as soon as I post it, because I trust that what I hear back will be things that I can improve upon for future posts - and this is because I know they know how important this blog is to me. In terms of getting the job, my parents and a close friend of mine helped me with polishing my cv to perfection (mainly by telling me to “stop f*cking waffling about things that aren’t relevant to the role, Olivia!”) - and look where that got me!

To reiterate: surrounding yourself with people that won’t beat around the bush when giving you feedback on what you’re striving to achieve is one of the most important parts of succeeding in this life. Of course, you are capable to do it alone too, but having a support system makes it so much easier to tackle bad days. Usually because they’ll tell you to get your sh*t together and stop the crying.

(Of course, there are unfortunately people that will pretend to want what’s best for you while secretly hoping that you will fail. This is inevitable, especially when you’re doing big things in life. I’ll be doing a blog post about this at some point, but until then...apply sense. More time you know who these people are if you think about it.)

So, in conclusion - forcing yourself to be confident about your strengths, being unapologetically proud of your achievements so far, having an eagerness to improve your weaknesses and surrounding yourself with supportive people that are on the same wavelength as you are all imperative parts of you celebrating yourself and your accomplishments in life. I’ll definitely delve deeper into insecurities revolving around self-promotion at a later stage - but for now, hopefully you can take away some of the tips and apply them to acing an interview, presentation, first date, meeting your significant others’ parents… any situation that calls for a substantial amount of self-assurance and pride in who you are, really.

Good luck, I have confidence in you and you should, too!

Love

Liv

[starboyreggie]

A Princess and a Pagan

A Princess and a Pagan: Virtue

Part One // Part Three

Word Count: 2147

Pairing: Hvitserk x Adelaide (OC)

Summary: Adelaide doubts everything as her wedding with Hvitserk is in two days. Amid her thoughts, Hvitserk surprises her with advancements that Adelaide isn’t ready for. The pair exchange heated words, and Adelaide’s questions are answered.

Warnings: self-doubt, unwanted advances, titty grab, use of the word ‘whore’, slander on both sides

Masterlist

// There is a time jump between the last part and this one by a couple of weeks //

The sun was setting on the beautiful kingdom of West Anglia. The warm, orange rays peaking through the leafless trees. The temperature was dropping, and the townspeople were settling down for the night, closing their shops and heading to their families at home.

Adelaide took a sip of her drink as she gazed out of the large windows in the grand hall. Her people were everything to her. It was her duty to protect them and make the tough decisions that would, in the end, benefit them. She had to put the people of West Anglia before herself and be completely selfless.

Adelaide wasn’t mad at her father for making a deal with the Northmen. He made a choice that he thought would protect his people, something Adelaide would have also done if she was in his shoes. Even though Adelaide accepted the marriage of Hvitserk and herself, it didn’t mean that she wanted it.

Growing up, her mother told her stories of how King Coel had swept her off her feet. It was love at first sight for them, and Adelaide had always dreamed of having the same prince charming story. She only had one boyfriend before now, and that relationship ended because he had wanted something that Adelaide couldn’t give him just yet.

It’s not that she didn’t have urges or couldn’t get a partner. Adelaide had wanted to give it to her husband on their coronation night. But now that it would be with a Northman, she didn’t know what to do. Her virtue was valuable, did he really deserve it? She wasn’t going to resist the marriage, but she could refuse to give such a treasured thing to Hvitserk.

Adelaide was taken from her thoughts as her teacher dropped a thick book on the table. “Princess Adelaide, you are never going be able to converse with your husband if you do not pay attention.” He had a scowl on his face as he glared at her.

“I think we are done for the day. My mind is somewhere else; there is no reason to continue.” Adelaide stood up, the back of her knees pushing the chair back.

“Your wedding is in two days. You are learning quickly, but their language is quite complicated.” Her teacher was a wanderer who had been brought in to teach Adelaide the Northmen’s language. He had a long, grey beard and his eyes had held a sense of knowledge mixed with pain.

“I will study some more before I go to bed. You are dismissed now, thank you for your patience.” Adelaide smiled softly and nodded toward him. He turned the table, and Adelaide sat back down with a huff, throwing her head in her hands. Her wedding was in two days’ time, and she had known this for some time, but she still could not wrap her mind around it.

Adelaide was so in her head that she had not heard the door open and someone sit down in the chair adjacent to hers. A small cough filled the room and made Adelaide jump as her head snapped up. Her eyes were met with soft, kind eyes.

It was evident on her face that she had been startled, “I am sorry Adelaide. I did not mean to frighten you,” Hvitserk spoke slowly, enunciating his words.

It took Adelaide a moment to respond as she was looking for the right words. “It is no problem. I was not doing anything.” She was keeping her sentences simple and concise as she was afraid of saying the wrong thing and angering him.

“I see that you are doing very well at learning our language.” He commented with a smile, happy to see his soon-to-be wife excelling.

It was painfully obvious that he was trying to make conversation, “My teacher said that I was a fast learner. Is there something that you needed?”

Hvitserk fidgeted in his seat, “Yes actually –” He was cut off by Milla entering the hall and the door creaking open quite loudly.

“Oh, I am sorry my princess,” Milla looked down at her feet, “I did not know you were with company. I had been informed that your lessons had ended and came to fetch you for your bath.”

Adelaide smiled kindly and Hvitserk was awestruck at her beauty, “It is okay Milla. I will be with you in just a moment. Thank you.” Milla nodded her head and walked back out of the door.

Adelaide turned back to Hvitserk, “I am sorry, but I am needed elsewhere. Was what you needed very important?”

Hvitserk sighed and looked down at his lap, “Nothing that cannot wait. Please go attend to your duties.”

Adelaide smiled at him before saying goodbye and heading toward her chambers where Milla would be waiting with a warm bath.

She entered the room and sure enough, there was Milla pouring a bucket of water into the tub. “Milla, I am so torn. I want to do what is right for my people, but can I really marry a pagan?”

Milla put the bucket down and guided Adelaide to her floor length mirror and started to undo her dress laces, “My dear Princess, listen to your heart. Follow your instinct and do what you feel is right. We all trust you to make the right choice.”

Adelaide brought her hands to her shoulders and pulled the black dress down her body, embracing the frigid air that hit her exposed skin. She walked over to the tub and stepped in, “Thank you, Milla. You may go. I wish to be alone with my thoughts tonight.”

Milla kissed Adelaide on the top of her forehead before leaving the princess alone. Adelaide let the warm water soothe her muscles as she leaned her head against the back of the tub and let her thoughts take over once more.

Could she be able to give up a chance at true happiness for the protection of her people? Could she learn to love Hvitserk? How would she fit in at Kattegat? Would her people consider her a traitor for marrying such a violent man? Adelaide’s mind kept buzzing with similar questions until her head started to feel physically dizzy.

Adelaide finally got out of the bath when she felt as if she would melt if she didn’t get out of the water at that second. Adelaide walked over to her bed where Milla had laid out a silk nightgown. She heard a knock at the door and absentmindedly welcomed the visitor in without thinking since the only people who were in her room this late were herself and Milla.

“Could you braid my hair tonight?” Adelaide asked as she heard steps approach her, but no response. It wasn’t until she felt strong arms wrap around her naked waist that she knew it wasn’t Milla.

Adelaide started to panic and jerk around as the intruder had hidden his face behind her neck. She smelt a strong scent of sweat mixed wood and felt rough leather against her bare back. Hvitserk.

He moved his head to the crook of her neck and placed sweet kisses on her skin and Adelaide moved her head to the side to allow him more access. His hands reached around to grab her breasts. Hvitserk kneading them in his large, rough hands. Adelaide was breathing heavily and had to bite her lip to keep a moan from escaping her mouth. “Princess, you are so beautiful. I cannot believe you are to be all mine.”

This snapped Adelaide out of her trace, “Hvitserk, we cannot. We are not married yet.” She brought her shoulder up as she pushed him out of the crook her neck.

“What is two days? We are basically married. We do not have to tell anyone. Stop acting so pure, there is no way a woman with your beauty has not already been ravished by a man.” Hvitserk brought his lips to her exposed shoulder.

This comment extremely offended Adelaide. What did he mean when he said she had been ravished by another man? Does he think that she did not wait for her husband? “I don’t know what pagan culture you come from, but in West Anglia, the women are not whores. They wait to give their virtue to their husbands on their wedding day. So, you can get your filthy hands off me right now, you ignorant pagan.”

Adelaide was breathing heavily and Hvitserk had seemed stunned as he had frozen in his tracks. He quickly snapped out of it when he brought his mouth to Adelaide’s ear, “Well at least our women aren’t prudes and don’t go sucking up to daddy whenever they have a problem.”

Hvitserk ripped his hands off Adelaide and took her breath away. Tears stung in her eyes as she ran her hands down her waist where his hands had been. She quickly grabbed her nightgown and slipped it over her head before she jumped into bed. All her doubts and questions had been answered within 5 minutes after weeks of pondering.

Hvitserk stormed down the hallway, heading toward where his brothers were. They would be in the hall, drinking and eating. Surely enough, when he entered through the large doors, there they were. Hvitserk sat down at the end of the table with a huff, grabbing a cup of mead and downing it.

“Oh wow, women troubles already, brother?” Ivar teased and laughed as he smirked at Hvitserk.

“The stupid woman turned me down. Said that she couldn’t because we are not married yet even though we are to be wed in only two days.” Hvitserk reached to refill his cup, gritting his teeth recalling the events that happened moments ago.

“Princess Adelaide is a lot of things, but stupid is not one of them,” Ubbe added with a nod of his head.

“I think you should go back in there, and claim what is rightfully yours. She will be your wife very soon and nothing is going to stop the wedding, so what is a couple days in comparison to the rest of your life?” Ivar exclaimed with an edge to his voice.

“Do not listen to Ivar. That will ruin your relationship as Adelaide will never trust you again,” Ivar rolled his eyes at Ubbe’s words, “What is a couple of hours in comparison to the rest of your life?” Ubbe scowled at Ivar.

Hvitserk didn’t have time to respond as he heard the door slowly open and he turned around in his seat to see who it was. Adelaide was wearing a thin nightgown and he could see the outline of her breasts through it and her slightly hard nipples that had been in his hands just a short while ago.

He turned around with a huff and took a sip from his cup. “Hvitserk, can we please talk?” Adelaide sounded so small and it pulled at his heartstrings.

“What would you have to say to a pagan?” Hvitserk snapped and Adelaide flinched at his harsh tone.

“Please, I have something important to say to you.” Adelaide shifted from one foot to the other as she felt Ivar’s eyes bore into her.

“Princess, whatever it is that you have to say, you can say it in front of all of us,” Ivar interjected with a strong voice.

Adelaide crossed her arms over her chest and walked over to the table. She sat down next to Hvitserk and leaned toward him. He would not make eye contact with her and put a slice of meat into his mouth.

“I am sorry I said those things about your women. I have been under a lot of stress lately and I have been questioning everything. I am not making excuses; I should have not taken it out on you. I wasn’t being a good wife, and I regret it.” Adelaide confessed and looked down at her lap.

Hvitserk connected his fingers to her chin and brought her eyes to meet his, “It is okay Adelaide. I said equally hurtful words. I should have respected you more.” Hvitserk wrapped his hand around her jaw and brought her face closer to his, “Is it okay if I kiss you?”

The question was so simple, but it warmed Adelaide’s heart that he cared to ask. She answered his question by closing the gap between them and connecting their lips. One of Hvitserk’s hands stayed on her jaw while the other on found its way to her waist where he grabbed at her hip. The kiss was sweet and filled with emotion. Adelaide didn’t feel pressured to go forward, in fact, Hvitserk was the one to break the kiss.

He had a huge smile on his face as he grabbed Adelaide’s cheek and tenderly rubbed his thumb on her soft skin, “Just two more days, my prince.”

A/N: Thank you all for your positive response to this series! I was nervous to post this and seeing all your feedback makes my heart warm. Feel free to give me your take on where you see this story should go as I have no set plans yet. Also if you would like to be tagged in this series, shoot me an ask and I would be happy to add you because when people comment on the posts it just gets jumbled up and I sometimes don’t see it.

taglist;

@fuckyeahalexhoghandersen @fuvkingkillme @vbiggs03 @justacrush @glassteethclan @bagelblossom @imanangelyouidjit @lovelynerdytraveler

[theshadowthatneverleaves]

My Voice Was Heard...Thank YOU!

A Woman’s Right to Express Herself

Over a small course of time in my life, I was a victim of sexual abuse. I was, what you would call a “lost soul” and found myself in situations and repetitive patterns that at some points in my life, I thought it was “normal” to be assaulted sexually or looked at because I was “just pretty”. I lost my sense of who I was on the inside, I stopped caring about my body or maybe I never really did cared at all back then or taught to know how to care about it.  I grew up thinking that this was the usual.  Men gawked over women and this is how we get them to love us? Let them do and say what ever they want over us and make sure to ask permission from them to do anything we would like to do as well! Right?

WRONG.

 This brings me to the Women’s March on January 21st, 2017.  

I was in my yoga teacher training over the weekend but I was never more proud to be an American, nor can I remember a day that I felt more proud to be an American.  Just as my rights, as a woman, were taken from me as a young girl as a victim of sexual abuse…my voice was finally heard by over 3 million of you!  

 It was a time of Union in which I haven’t seen like this, ever.  

 I’ve seen comments by other women being calling other “disgusting” and “tasteless” and read comments like, “the old man in picture is happy. Lol” (in reference to shirtless feminist radicals) (the man was there in support nor was he looking at them but whatever) (sure these extreme feminist are annoying but at least they are doing something about what they believe in) - - - Looking into the mirror would help to see that maybe what you don’t like about what you are seeing is something that you don’t like about yourself.  Yes, we have moved steps ahead for women’s equality and gay rights but we have the potential to fold and have them taken away...again?  Fuck THAT…we must keep making progression.  I know, because I was a victim…and if my daughter, or son for that matter, God forbid go through anything without their permission that they would be able to have the rights and the choices to do as they wish over their bodies with tremendous support!  

It took me YEARS to finally speak up on what happened to me as a young girl.  I remember too, how liberating it was to say it no matter what anyone thought about me! I am so very very tired of apologizing for who I am and what I am about. I have not only found my voice but I tend to offend those that haven’t found theirs and I am tired of apologizing for that too.  I want to SCREAM from the rooftops because that wasn’t an option for me when I was young…it wasn’t “lady-like”.  It was a “put-up and shut-up” technique out of fear that got me nowhere…this is how it is.  AGAIN,I am also tired of caring what others think!  I put my foot down. Period!  Think what you will, talk about me if I embarrass you.  I am not a radical feminist stripping my clothes off and screaming but at the end of the day, what is it to you if I did?  What is it to anyone who I love, what I do daily or what I am about?  Its my choice and I am tired of people telling me it isn’t!  At the end of the day, I am a good person, I am a woman raising a daughter and she has a RIGHT to speak up about HER body and what is rightfully hers and my son will absolutely know how to treat a woman and respect her body.

 This is a HUGE reason why I was so relentlessly sexually charged, didn’t care about my beautiful vehicle (my body) for so long and why I have mental health issues i work on a daily basis.  No one knows my battles more than me so who are you to tell me I can’t fight for what I stand for?  I had years of never speaking.  Never say fucking “NO!”   Just fucking NOOOO!!!  I won’t go into detail about what happened to me but now looking back, never speaking, I would grind my teeth so badly at this time my entire jaw locked up.  I physically put myself into non-verbal arrest and it physically hurt but not as much as what hurt me emotionally by not processing anything through! Why would I want this for my baby girl or our future little girls or gays or...fill in the blank. These women are MAD, and they channeled their anger in healthy ways this weekend!  I would RUN. I ran and I had permission to RUN. I never faced it, never forced to look it in the eye and spit in it’s face or simply work through this issue.  Sadly, we stop doing things like dancing and playing because our innocence is taken away, why dance?  What is there to dance for?  Sadly, I woke up one day and looked in the mirror, I remember thinking…”who are you?” and regretting the gifts I never used as a dancing.  I remember I shut myself down because I had nowhere to go, no one to talk to because I felt ashamed…I wanted to die.  I didn’t want anyone to think I was as “dirty” as I felt.  NOT ANYMORE!!!!!!

  YOU were my voice Saturday.  

 YOU were so many voices Saturday.  

 YOU marched.  Not copy/paste on facebook.  YOU marched for them too.

 YOU marched for race, gender, transgender, culture, humanity.

 From the bottom of my heart, I am in deepest gratitude for marching for everyone’s rights to be who they are and authentically express yourself in the way you felt without apologizing for it.  

Love, Peace & Light to ALL living beings on this precious Earth.

 Tai