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1dfangirls35 · 4 years

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The Language of Your Soul

An enemies to lovers Ballet AU in 5 Acts

Masterlist

Act I

A/N:

First of all, thank you so much to @booksncoffee for the absolutely gorgeous banner!

I am so excited to share this story with you all! Inspired in part by a night rewatching Center Stage on Netflix and from years of ballet classes, I hope this AU brings a new twist on Harry fics (and maybe even helps you gain a new appreciation for the world of ballet). Please note, while I have used my own 10+ years of classical ballet training in addition to research on this topic to hopefully make this as realistic as possible, this is still a work of fiction- and some details may have been changed to better fit the constraints of the story. The companies mentioned in this fic are real, however this story and its characters are entirely works of fiction. On a more personal note, while I have chosen to publish this story now and believe I will be able to maintain weekly updates to its entirety, I am preparing to take my boards in less than four weeks. Should I not update as scheduled- please be patient and know that an update is only a few weeks away! :) Thank you so much for reading!

Warnings: This story will contain language, mentions of emotional abuse from a parent and eating disorders. Please read at your own discretion.

Ten Weeks to Opening Night

Albert Einstein once said, "dancers are the athletes of God." Giselle Mason certainly doesn't feel like pne of God's athletes at the moment. Not with the way her muscles are screaming with every movement that she makes as she stretches before class, not with the way her right hip cracks as she lifts her leg onto the bar, and certainly not with the way her feet sting as she tapes up yet another blister on her toe before shoving her foot into her pointe shoes for another day full of torture.

Giselle stands, sticking one last bobby pin into the bun of her nearly ebony hair and finding her spot at the front of the barre in the center of the studio. She grasps the wooden cylinder with her left hand before releasing her body in a forward bend, taking a deep breath in and then a deep breath out. There is a familiar ache in her hamstrings as she begins to stretch, which loosens ever so slightly with every breath.

And so begins her daily morning routine in the studio. Fifteen minutes of stretching before company class begins. Relaxing each hamstring, hip flexor and spinal muscle until a sense of calm washes over her body. Letting her mind drift into a thoughtless focus, preparing itself for the waves of choreography that would be coming in minutes. Typically, this time is quiet; the only melody present the rhythmic breathing of company members preparing for class. But today, the studio seems to be filled with an underlying buzz. And Giselle doesn't have the slightest idea why.

"I heard he slept with the artistic director's wife, so they kicked him out of the Royal," she hears one of the new corps de ballet members murmur.

"I mean have you seen him, I don't blame her for getting her hands on a piece of him," another girl giggles.

"Did you hear, G?" Caleb, Giselle's friend, whispers as he slides into a spot on the barre behind her, adjusting the black bandana keeping his signature black curls in place across his forehead.

"Hear what?" Giselle asks, removing her leg from the bar before reaching down to adjust the black leg warmer that had fallen down her calf.

"They've hired Harry Styles- you know from the Royal," Caleb adds as if Giselle hasn't heard of Harry Styles. Everyone who was anyone in the ballet world had heard of Harry Styles. A good chunk of the non-ballet world might even be able to point him out as that 'sexy male ballet dancer' from the Sports Illustrated nude edition.

Harry Styles was a rare kind of natural talent. The type of person that was put on this earth to dance ballet. His talent had landed him the honor of being the youngest person to be named a principal in the history of the Royal Ballet. And if the rumors were true, that talent had also landed him the reputation of one of the ballet world's most arrogant. Giselle had heard several stories about how the male dancer had been a terror to work with- demanding, rude, uncooperative. Giselle didn't doubt it- people of that skill and fame rarely developed without some sense of entitlement.

"Why would we hire Harry Styles, we've already got Viktor?" Giselle questions. This isn't the first time a rumor has circulated through the American Ballet Theatre company, and it certainly won't be the last time.

"Rumor is they want Viktor to retire," Caleb shrugged before stepping back to his place behind Giselle as Mistress Ivanova claps to gain the class's attention.

Giselle couldn't believe the rumors. Viktor Dmitri retiring from ABT? He was practically the face of the company. The man had been dancing for the American Ballet Theatre for over a decade. He'd been the principal ever since Giselle had joined the company as a corps de ballet member five years ago.

Giselle knew that retirement came early for a ballet dancer. Her own mother, the famous Natalia Korsakova, had retired at the age of 33 after a knee injury. Viktor had just turned 35, but he'd shown no signs of slowing down. She refused to believe that he was calling it quits. Or to believe that the board would be stupid enough to bring in someone with Harry Styles's toxic reputation into the company.

She shoves the thought aside. Viktor is in his usual place at the back of the studio and Harry Styles is nowhere to be seen. This was simply another piece of gossip threatening to distract everyone from the Swan Lake auditions tomorrow afternoon, and Giselle won't lose her focus. The auditions are too important.

Giselle Mason has dreamed of playing the role of Odette/Odile ever since she first watched her mother on stage at the age of four. It was one of her earliest memories of the theater- her mother twirling about in a bright white tutu that at that time Giselle could only dream of wearing. In fact, Giselle wasn't sure there had ever been a moment where her dream hadn't been to be a principal dancer at ABT, like her mother. She'd been in ballet shoes from the second she could walk, wore a leotard and tights more often than she'd worn pajamas, and didn't recognize herself in the mirror if her hair wasn't pulled back into a bun. She'd ate, slept and breathed the art form. But she supposed that all came with having a prima ballerina as a mother.

Natalia Korsakova was a ballet sensation. "One of the greatest to have ever danced," according to the New York Times at the time of her retirement. The world had come to watch her dance and she'd traveled it performing: Russia, Australia, London, Paris. You name the location and Natalia Korsakova had danced there.

When Giselle was growing up, she was constantly told how lucky she was to have Natalia as a mother. To have seen the shows she's seen, to have met ballet royalty, to have traveled the world. But Giselle never felt lucky. Not when she was the accident that put her mother's career on hold for almost a year. Not when her mother was gone for months at a time performing, missing recitals, parent days and school concerts. And certainly not when an injury forced her mother into retirement, shifting her focus from her own artistic talents to turning her daughter into her next protegee.

Much to her mother's dismay, Giselle was not the younger version of her mother. She was good, great even, but she was no sensation. Giselle made soloist in her fourth year at ABT, which was a feat all on its own, unless you compared it to her mother's two. Giselle lacked the raw, natural talent that her mother possessed. Instead of her mother's high arches, she had her father's averagely flat feet. Instead of her mother's uncanny ability to match the music, Giselle had spent hours counting eights in her head to get down a rhythm. Instead of looking effortless the first time she ran through a routine, Giselle spent hours in the studio after rehearsal, running through the choreography until it wasn't possible for her to get it wrong. Giselle had gotten to where she was because of her hard work, not her natural talent- something her mother would never let her forget. To Natalia Korsakova, Giselle would never measure up.

The Swan Lake auditions are Giselle's first real shot at landing a lead, especially with principal dancer Anna Elliot out with a back injury for the foreseeable future. Giselle wants this role more than anything. To prove to herself that she is capable of following in her mother's footsteps. And to prove to her mother that she is just as capable a dancer as she. For once in her life, she wants to hear her mother say not that she'd lost her spot or forgot to point her toes, but that she was proud of Giselle. Four words- that's all Giselle really wants.

"And will start first position, demi, demi, grand, demi and port de bra. Repeat in 2nd, 4th and 5th and then balance in fifth position arms in fifth," Mistress Ivanova barks, before gesturing to the pianist to begin.

Giselle focuses on her movements as the music begins. She tightens her core, elongates her neck and reaches her fingertips to the edges of her silhouette. Her legs quiver slightly as she bends her knees into the first grand plié, her mind focusing on maintaining her turnout.

"Relax that face Giselle," Mistress Ivanova corrects, as she makes her way around the room. "I don't want to see that this is work."

Giselle takes another deep breath, this time releasing her lips from their concentrated place and focusing on her breath. She lets the downtown Manhattan studio disappear from the background. Gone is the distant honking of impatient taxi drivers maneuvering their way through the New York City traffic. Gone is the light shining in from the full-length windows looking out at the city skyline- well what you could see of the skyline behind the crumbly brick building neighboring the school. There was nothing but the dancer, the barre and the music flowing gently through her veins.

"Beautiful lines Teagan, thank you," Giselle hears Mistress Ivanova say from across the room and she fights the urge to roll her eyes. Giselle has known Teagan Davidson since she was fourteen years old, when Teagan had moved from California to New York to join the ABT school. Over the course of a decade of competing for roles, partners and teacher's praises, the two had developed quite a rivalry. To Giselle, there was almost no better feeling than snagging a role that she knew Teagan also had her eyes on.

Giselle uses Teagan's praise as motivation to work harder, feeling the burn in her inner thighs as she pushes further into her grand plié in second. The role of Odette/Odile was hers, Teagan would have to settle for understudy.

The class is in the middle of their balance, Giselle's focus locked in on a spot just at the edge of the window at the rear of the studio when a loud bang reverberates through the room. Dancers drop their balance and turn their heads, looking to see who has caused such a commotion with their entrance.

"Mr. Styles, you're late," Mistress Ivanova snaps.

He is taller than Giselle imagined, and even from this distance she can see the definition in his arms through the black tank top that clings to his body. His hair is slightly disheveled, curling at the top. His face plastered into some cheeky grin, dimples present on both cheeks, like he knows exactly what he's doing, interrupting class like this. Almost like he's enjoying the attention. He throws his black messenger bag to the side before grabbing his ballet shoes and scurrying over to an open spot at the barre near the front of the studio.

"My apologies," he replies in a thick British accent. His tone sounds anything but apologetic.

"Damn, he's even better-looking in person than he is in magazines," Caleb mutters under his breath, eliciting an eye roll from Giselle.

"Well, I suppose after that entrance," Mistress Ivanova sighs, stepping to the front of the class. "Now is as good of time as any to announce that Mr. Styles will be joining our company as a principal dancer."

Gasps fill the room, and Giselle turns her head to look at Viktor, whose face is stoic after Harry's entrance. A low chatter fills the studio, everyone trying to figure out exactly what is going on. Would he get the lead in Swan Lake? Would he be understudying Viktor?

"Silence!" Mistress Ivanova shouts. "This chatter can wait until after class is over!" She turns to face Harry, her lips turned into a stern frown. "If you'll find a place at the barre Mr. Styles, we will continue our class."

Giselle watches as he slides into a spot at the front of the room, shooting a grin at the young company member behind him. Giselle rolls her eyes, returning her focus to the mirror in front of her. Two minutes with the company and she was sure Harry Styles was exactly who she thought he would be.

Giselle tries to forget Harry Styles is in class with them. Instead she focuses on her breathing, her turnout, the rhythm that comes from the pianist in the corner of the room. She watches the early morning New York City sunrise reflect off of the mirrors, leaving little spots of sunlight over the gray Marley floor. Everyone else in the company could focus on Harry Styles all they want, but she is only focusing on one thing- and that is landing the role of her dreams tomorrow.

But Harry Styles wasn't the type of person whose presence could be forgotten so easily.

********

Harry Styles isn't scared of a little attention. In fact, he typically thrives on it. That's why he is a performer after all. To Harry, there is no better feeling than knowing all eyes are upon you, that you are the center of attention, the focus of the room. Maybe that is a prideful and egotistical thing to say, but it is true. Everyone wants to feel important, valued, admired- and anyone who says otherwise is a liar.

But the attention Harry has been getting since he walked into the American Ballet Theatre studio a little over twelve hours ago has not been the type of attention he necessarily sought out. He knew there would be rumors, leaving the only company he had ever been a part of during his dance career was sure to draw up the best of them, but something about this felt different. It was the whispers. The stares. The way some members of the room were staring at Harry as if he was a god and a few wouldn't dare look in his direction.

Harry doesn't know what's come over him- this wavering self-confidence. Maybe it's this new place. This new country. Or maybe it's the fact that in the words of his agent, if he "doesn't get his act together" he will never dance at this level again. And if he's not dancing on the world's biggest stages, well, Harry might as well not be dancing at all.

Harry grabs his phone from the side pocket of his black messenger bag, connecting it to the Bluetooth speaker he found in the corner of the studio and presses play on his hip hop playlist. He needs something to drown out his thoughts, and classical music just doesn't cut it. As the beat begins to fill the studio, Harry lets the music take over his body and begins to dance.

Giselle tries to focus on her music, but there's the noise of a pounding bass in the background interfering with concentration. She's always the only one at the studio this late at night- that's why she comes- to be alone and without distractions.

She tries to ignore it, focusing on the one and two of the music as she fouettés. One and two, three and four, five and... a boom from somewhere in the building breaks her concentration and she falls out of her turn, letting out a groan. This could not be happening to her the night before auditions, and if she found out that Teagan was here trying to interfere with her practice...

Giselle makes her way down the hall, guided by the incessant bass that sounds like it belongs in the backseat of a teenager's car and not one of the most prestigious ballet studios in the world. When she turns the corner to enter the studio, it's not Teagan she sees but Harry Styles.

But he's not dancing. He's laying on the floor, wearing nothing but a pair of black athletic shorts that show off the god-like definition of his thighs. His signature butterfly tattoo stands out on the middle of his chest, beads of sweat dripping towards the center of his stomach, the bass vibrating the mirrors around him. He doesn't notice her at first. How could he with the music so loud?

"Excuse me," Giselle says loudly in an effort to get his attention. His body doesn't even flinch.

"Excuse me!" she yells this time.

Harry looks up. In the corner of the studio, towards the door stands a girl. Her almost black hair is pulled tightly back into a bun. Her thin arms are crossed like she's about to lecture him, and her lips are held in a tight line that looks anything but happy. The corners of Harry's mouth curve upwards in a grin, entertained by the fury that was seeming to come from her tiny body.

She taps her foot impatiently, like she's waiting for something. Harry realizes that she is- she's waiting for him to turn off his music.

He sighs, reaching over to his phone beside him and sliding one sweaty finger across the screen to bring the rhythm to a halt.

"Yes?" he asks expectantly, not bothering to move his body from his reclining position.

"Other people in this studio are trying to practice, you know. It's kinda hard to do that with this," she gestures into the air, as if trying to find an appropriate adjective to describe the torture that had been gracing her ears over the past half hour.

"Not a fan of my music?" Harry smirked.

"I'm not a fan of someone disrupting my rehearsal." Giselle spit back.

"Rehearsal? It's bloody 11pm."

"I know what time it is, and like I said, your music is interfering with my ability to practice." Giselle stares Harry right in the eyes. He doesn't intimidate her, and she's not going to back down until he agrees to turn down his music.

"Wasn't aware you were the owner of this studio," Harry taunts.

"I could say the same about you." Giselle moves her hands to her hips. Just agree to turn off the damn music, she thinks to herself, even though she knows at this point, it's not worth the time it will take to warm back up to continue practicing.

Harry sits up, grabbing a blue towel from inside his bag and wiping the sweat that remains off his forehead. "Fine, music's off. Continue your rehearsal. I'm too jet lagged for this shit," he stands, wrapping the towel around his neck.

"Thanks," Giselle says under her breath, before making her way back to her studio, where she knew she would be gathering her own belongings.

Harry groans, grabbing his bag from the floor and sliding it over his shoulder. You could travel halfway across the world and still run into the same entitled ballet brats who thought they ran the place. It's those type of people, company members and otherwise, that were precisely the reason he had left the Royal. Well, not that he had necessarily had a say in that scenario, but they had been the cause of all of his problems.

You just have to dance, Harry, he tries to tell himself. But Harry knows that as much as he tries, there's a lot more too it than that.

**********

“Gi!" Caleb exclaims, bounding down the hallway towards her without concern for anyone in his way. "Cast list is up."

Giselle gulps. She isn't sure that she is ready for this. The look of disappointment on her mother's face if she doesn't land the part. The list of corrections that her mother has come up with from watching Giselle's audition. "Now you see there, you've lost your center. You're never going to make that triple if you don't hold your center Giselle." The reminder that "you only have so many opportunities to prove your worth, before they move onto the younger, better version of you." It didn't matter to her mother if Giselle was the youngest soloist at ABT by five years. It didn't matter if nearly every other soloist had previously understudied for the role. Everything but a lead was a disappointment to Natalia Korsakova.

"C'mon," Caleb exclaims, and before Giselle has a moment to collect herself she's being pulled down the hallway by her arm.

And there it is. The thin, white piece of paper that holds the fate of her next ten weeks in its hands. When she looks at it at first, she thinks she must be dreaming. Because her name has never been on that spot on the list before. Not since she officially joined the company five years ago.

Odette/Odile- Giselle Mason

Sigfried - Harry Styles

She feels frozen. Like she's in a dream and she's paralyzed. It's what she's always wanted-this role and yet, suddenly it feels like a whole lot of pressure.

"You did it Gi," Caleb exclaims, lifting her up and spinning her around before Giselle even has a moment to look any further down the list. Giselle laughs, giddy with excitement. "New York will have never seen a more beautiful Odette."

Giselle rolls her eyes at his comment. Caleb, her friend since joining the American Ballet School at the age of six and partner for many years had always been her biggest cheerleader. In a way, he made up for what she didn't have in her mother.

"And you Caleb?" Giselle asks, realizing in her excitement that she had forgotten that her best friend also had a role in the this ballet.

"You're looking at the newest Benno," Caleb says with a grin. Giselle often wondered what it would be like to be like Caleb. To be happy with any role. To not care about his place in the company. To simply want to dance. Caleb had always been like that- relaxed, calm- the antithesis to Giselle who was always high strung and anxious. Perhaps that's why they'd always been such good friends, because they balanced each other perfectly. Giselle pushed Caleb when he needed some extra motivation and Caleb- albeit not always successful- tried his best to keep Giselle out of her own head.

Giselle watches as Teagan makes her way over to the board, her long black hair swinging from the ponytail at the crown of her head. She grins in slight satisfaction as she sees Teagan's face turn into a frown. Giselle turns and gives Caleb her best, "what did she get?" eyes. He exaggeratedly mouths, "UNDERSTUDY".

As if sensing that she is the topic of conversation, Teagan looks over at the two. "Congrats Giselle," she says, her face moving in a way that makes it seem like the words taste disgusting leaving her mouth.

"You as well," Giselle responds, to which Teagan only scoffs and storms off.

"You know she's going to make your life living hell as your understudy don't you?" Caleb said with a laugh.

"Ugh, I know," Giselle groaned.

"It will be worth it though. You are going to be dancing the role you've always dreamed of." Giselle smiled. "Plus," Caleb begins, leaning down so his mouth is next to Giselle's ear. "You get to dance with the greatest male dancer of our generation. Think of all the hours you're gonna get to spend looking at that GORGEOUS body."

Giselle groans. Her perfect moment temporarily ruined by the realization that she would have to dance with Harry Styles. Sure, he may be talented, a great dancer, and likely a great partner. But his entrance yesterday and their encounter last night told her everything she needed to know about Harry Styles. And she was sure that working with him would be anything but easy.

"That GORGEOUS body," Giselle imitates Caleb with an exaggeration of the word, "Doesn't make up for the fact that the guy's an asshole."

"Okay, okay, point taken. Now can we go get some lunch?"

Giselle nods, but she already knows she's not hungry. Instead, all she can think about is how she's going to get through the next ten weeks of rehearsals with a man she already loathes.

**********

Giselle slides into the rehearsal studio with extra joy in her step later that afternoon. She's so on Cloud 9 that she doesn't even realize Harry standing at the barre doing pliés as she hums the opening notes of Swan Lake aloud.

"Sorry didn't know anyone else was in here already," she apologizes quickly, standing and stretching out her feet.

Harry looks at her, his face hard and eyes sharp. If he recognized her as the girl who interrupted his jam session last night his face didn't show it. "And who are you?" Harry asks, his voice laced with condescendence.

"Odette," Giselle smiles, the words feeling foreign leaving her mouth.

"Obviously," Harry scoffs, and Giselle feels her confidence waver. "Who are you?"

"Giselle Mason, soloist."

"Doesn't ring a bell," the corners of Harry's mouth turn up at his comment, like he gets satisfaction out of reminding others that they aren't the household name that he is.

Giselle wants to say something back. Something sharp and witty to show him that just because he was one of the greatest dancers in the world and she was still trying to make her way into the spotlight didn't mean that he could treat her like a nobody. She was going to be his partner after all- whether he liked it or not. But then Gregory Alexander, ABT's Artistic Director, enters the room, clapping his hands and tells them they are about to begin on the Act II Pas de Deux and Giselle doesn't have a chance to say otherwise.

"As new partners you will need to put in the time to understand each other. Build trust. Anticipate the other's movement. Portray to the audience that you are a swan and a prince in love." Gregory moves his arms in the air theatrically, as if he isn't wearing a designer suit.

"Now I understand that the ten weeks we have to prepare before our season debut isn't an ideal amount of time to form a relationship with a new partner. But in this case, it simply must do." Gregory's face turned serious, the wrinkles on his forehead more defined as he furrows his eyebrows. "I expect that the two of you will put in the time outside of your scheduled rehearsals to work on this chemistry. Anna and Viktor will also be assisting with rehearsals and my hope is that they will also be able to assist the two of you with this transition."

"Gregory," Harry interrupts, then as if realizing he'd made a mistake, he corrects himself. "Sir."

Gregory nods.

"I'm not sure what the concern is. I've danced with hundreds of partners in my career, I'm not sure how the other principal's would have much more experience than me?" Giselle thinks Harry is meaning this as a question but it comes out more like a statement.

Giselle watches as Gregory's eyes narrow again. He looked irritated, and why wouldn't he be? Harry had been here all but forty-eight hours and was already questioning the artistic director's decisions.

"That may be the case, Mr. Styles," Gregory paused. "But when the two of you step onto Metropolitan Opera House stage in ten weeks, I expect the audience to believe that you two have been dancing together for years. Have I made myself clear?"

Harry nods, this time remaining quiet.

"Now then, I'd like us to start with the Act II Pas de Deux. The very beginning- with your entrance Harry."

It's an hour into rehearsals when Giselle hears the echo of heels clicking down the wooden hallways. She doesn't even have to look up when the steps stop as they reach the studio floor. She could recognize that walk anywhere.

"Aahh, Natalia!" Gregory exclaims. "So glad you could stop by," Gregory reaches over to embrace Giselle's mother, his grey hair brushing the sides of her face as he kisses each cheek.

"Mr. Styles, I'd like to introduce you to Natalia Korsakova, former ABT principal and member of our board."

Natalia Korsakova looks as put together as always. Her dark brown hair pulled tightly into a neat French twist. Her tight black dress and coordinating pumps show off every bit of the dancer's body that she still maintained. Giselle watches as her mother's mouth curves to form a polite smile.

"A ballet legend. It's an honor to meet you Madame," Harry says offering his hand.

"The pleasure is all mine. I'm so glad you are joining us here at ABT. And what a joy it will be to watch you next to my daughter," Natalia gestures towards Giselle, with a polite smile plastered on her face that was generally reserved for generous donors and patrons of the ballet. It is all a show. That's all Giselle's mother ever did was put on a production. She was a performer after all, how could anyone expect her life to be anything but a crowd-pleasing performance?

"Your daughter?" Harry turns to look at Giselle, raising an eyebrow. His eyes narrow, as if he's caught Giselle in a lie. As if she'd snuck her way into this position and was just hoping that someone wouldn't notice she wasn't the real deal. "Why that makes this even more special."

Giselle fights every urge to roll her eyes from across the room. It is clear that Harry Styles is every bit as much of a performer as her mother. Just minutes before he was looking at her as if he had been paired with an amateur and suddenly working with her is 'something special'?

"I'm going to watch rehearsal for a bit," Natalia announces, making her way over to a stool next to the pianist. "Carry on." The pit in the bottom of Giselle's stomach grows as her mother takes a seat next to Gregory in front of the mirror.

"Odette makes sense to me now," Harry whispers into Giselle's ear, as he slides behind her to resume practice. It takes everything in her to keep her face stoic as Harry's hands settle once again on her waist.

Rehearsal goes badly. Giselle can't seem to get her leg into the attitude position that Gregory wants, she losing her balance on her penchés, and Harry almost drops her on several promenades. Giselle says almost, because someone as experienced as Harry Styles would never let his partner hit the ground, but she should have, because she surely wasn't holding her weight quite right. And then there's the fact that Gregory pronounced that Giselle "looks at Harry as if he is the villain of the story instead of the prince she's fallen in love with".

Giselle wants to say that's because he is the villain. The villain of her story anyways, the person that is somehow going to turn her dream role into somewhat of a nightmare. Why couldn't she be dancing with Viktor? He was so patient and kind and he would never look at his partner as if she deserved to be in the audience instead of on stage with him.

After yet another failed run through of the first half of the pas de deux, Gregory announces that they are done for the day, but that he expects to see them in the studio bright and early tomorrow morning to work on their timing. Giselle's never been so thankful for a rehearsal to be over, and as she sits down to remove her pointe shoes, running her hands over her swollen feet, she watches Harry leave the studio without saying a word.

"I hope you realize how big of an opportunity this is Giselle. It's not one you should take lightly," her mother's voice startles her, as Giselle had almost forgotten she was there. Almost.

Natalia stands above Giselle, one hand on her hips and the other on her forehead, as if watching today's rehearsal had been exhausting for her. It probably was exhausting for her, keeping tally of all the things that Giselle had done wrong for the past two hours. Natalia's voice is shrill as she speaks again. "There are thousands of ballerinas around the world that could only dream of getting to dance with Harry Styles. And here you are dancing with him in his first show with ABT. That's an enormous responsibility, darling. This performance with him will set the stage for his entire career with our company. One that the board is hoping will last until his retirement."

Giselle nods. That's all she can do when her mother begins one of her lectures- nod. She thought maybe this would be the time that her mother told her congratulations. The time that her mother did what she'd watched countless other mother's do during her time as a dancer, wrap their arms around their daughter and express their pride to them. But instead, today is like any other day, and even with a lead role in an ABT production, Giselle still hasn't done enough to make her mother proud.

Giselle shoves her shoes into her bag, slinging it over her shoulder as she stands.

"And Giselle?" her mother adds, as she makes her way towards the door.

"Yes mom?"

"Might want to hit a few more cardio classes this week too, my dear. Got to make sure you are going to be an easy dancer to partner with."

And with that comment Natalia Korsakova clicks away, leaving Giselle standing in the middle of studio wondering if her biggest dream has suddenly become her biggest nightmare.

#it's here!#let me know your thoughts #writingby1dfangirls35 #harry styles #hs #harry au #ballet harry #harry styles fanfic #harry styles au #1dff #one direction fanfiction #harry fanfiction #enemies to lovers

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yellowbluemoonshine · 4 years

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One of my triggers is when someone says that villain cannot be or deserve to be redeemed. Like they acknowledge the tragic circumstances, but they say like the villain show no remorse for killing innocent people or just want to destroy everything. I really don't like people saying they want the villain have some naruto's redemption. But I feel like they missed point of why many of us want it. The villains never had a choice unlike endeavor or afo.

Agreed.

I think some people dont understand the meaning of redemption. Redemption means facing with what you did, taking responsibility and this is the best thing that person can do. To me, there is no such thing that great villain or best villain, something like improving yourself to be better villain cause being a villain is literally comes from choosing to not improving yourself to be better person. People dont choose to be evil or bad, they learn all bad things from their environment. They just simply dont choose to be better person and thats the flaw of "villains" have. Choosing to do wrong things usually comes from lack of goodness, lack of empathy.

Like, Overhaul was abandonded and traumatized by it. He was used as a tool by Yakuza. They used a child. And Overhaul became a yakuza and he truly wanted to pay his boss for taking him in. But what makes overhaul “bad” guy is not choosing to be yakuza cause he was groomed to be, his flaw was choosing to not changing. He could’ave emphatize with his underlings and could connect with them. He could emphatize with Eri cause Eri is just like her, she was abandoned and taken by Yakuza. Overhaul went to school and had people around him, instead of obsessing with past, he could open himself to new people. he could gain new different perspectives, he could at least try. Overhaul didnt suddenly decide to destroy little girl, he learnt those horrible things from Yakuza but when he could choose to be better person, he didnt.

There is a reason that Shigaraki is meant to be parallel with him. Unlike Overhaul, Shigaraki didnt go to school and he didnt have people around him, he was isolated but when he met with other people, he chose to care, listen their needs.

This shows that Shigaraki choosing to change but there are villains who doesnt want to change. I dont know that what kind of person Overhaul would be, if he had better life or if he could ever change for better but for now, he doesnt seem to want to change and story didnt give any hint about it.

There is a reason that some characters get redemption but some do not. The characters/villains who dont get redemption or who dont want to change is not cool or “loyalty to their evil cure” or something like that. They are people who choose easy ways cause redemption means taking responsibility and trying to be better person, improving yourself as person is not easy at all.

Murder is bad, wrong, yes but we all are humans equally and people dont just suddenly decide to doing worst thing. And sometimes, people dont have too much choices, sometimes they can be in hard situtions, sometimes they do things to survive, many reason can be, we cant know that. So yes, murder is bad but that doesnt mean that murderer is bad person.

The thing that many people ignore is anyone could do those horrible things. Lets say, you are in hunger game. If you dont kill, other person will kill you. Many people would choose to kill. Or lets say, if you dont kill, they will your family or you are hungry and if you cant kill that person, you wont get food. blah blah. Point is what importance is not the degree of crime.

Most important thing is How aware is the perpetrator of what he is doing? Under what conditions did he make this choice? when and where did he make this choice?

Abuse, rape, murder. These things are all bad things (i wont talk about rape cause i dont have enough information about it cause it mihgt relate a lot of things.).

For example, Endeavour abused his family, Shigaraki killed people. Many people wouldnt care abuse or bullying cause “its not like they died”, most people tell them to get over it and they ignore all the effects of abuse. (This is actually what bnha focus on. Abuse.) Well, of course killing is pretty bad though.

Now, we can ask the questions.

-What Endeavour did?

Violence towards his family

When Endeavour made this decision?

He was grown man, basically when he was an adult, an age that you are responsible for your actions cause you can see the difference between right and wrong and you are capable of holding yourself

Under what conditions did he make this choice?

He did work so hard to be No 1 hero but he failed, um, he has money, access to a lot of things, good education so of course, when you worked hard and you dont get results, you will be so upset, it would be hard. But we can say that Endeavour wasnt even really in hard sitution at all.

What kind of choices he made?

He chose his ambitions over well being of his family. So basically he made very selfish decision with his own will for the sake of selfish desires and it resulted with other people’s getting hurt and Endeavour didnt even care about that.

How this selfish decision affect other people?

His wife became unstable and stayed in hospital for 15 years, she is still in there

Shouto lost his all childhood, he was traumatized and still having flashbacks from his trauma

Fuyumi had to act like a parent since her young age, Natsuo has anger issues cause of all this stuff

Touya/Dabi literally dealing with mental issues, identify disorder cause of abuse effects

So basically, Endeavour is fully responsible for what he did.

Btw for the people who dont know, this is a crime in real life, he should be arrested but look at what he got. He decided to change, like 6 months ago or something. Except of his hero job, he apologised and left the house for them and thats it. Rei and Fuyumi already is ready forgive him cause Rei wants his children to be happy cause Endeavour took that hapinness from them, Fuyumi just wants happy normal family cause Endeavour took that normal family life from her, Shouto is forcing himself to forgive cause to be able to be hero, he needs to work with his father and his all family wants this. From people’s eyes, Natsuo seems “someone who couldnt get over past” just because he didnt forgive his father or just because he didnt act like nothing happenned, he gets social pressure from it. This probably didnt happen, if Endeavour wasnt prohero.

Now, lets look at Shigaraki.

What Shigaraki did?

Murder, kidnap, threatinning, violent behaviours without hesitations

When Shigaraki made this decision?

Lets look at how it all started.

When Shigaraki chose to kill people?

when he was 5 years old? when he was 7-8 years old when Afo manipulate him to kill people? or when he became an adult and continuing this murder?

Point here is; children cant be responsible for crimes for a reason cause they dont have ability to understand what is right what is wrong.

so when he killed his family; it was accident except his father.

But with his father, it was self defense. Many people want to believe that it was intentional but its not, his father hit him and he reacted to violence, thats it. There is also other fact that children can not able to hold theirselves, especially like when you just watched all your family s death in front of your eyes.

So, logically he can not be responsible for his family’s death.

When he was 7-8 years old, Shigaraki is making a decision here and from this moment, he continues the murder but what kind of decision he is making? Under what conditions did he make this choice?

He was traumatized and he is dealing with abuse effects, his anger, negative feelings that he has no idea to how to deal with, he didnt get any education, he doesnt have people who will give him a different choice or people who wil give him some kind of affection, he is literally with Afo all alone, isolated, dont know what to do, doesnt know what is right and Afo says him “you have two choices”

1- suffer lonely forever like this while others are having fun but just you know, you will be disappointed for me-the person who saved you, if you stay like this

2- destroy anything you dont like and make me proud

This didnt happen right when he was 7-8,

Shigaraki is with Afo since he was 5, he listened those words for years and he hold himself back. Then the decision Shigaraki make was first one, he hold himself, until the moment holding himself is not an option. This is why he became a murder. Let me remind you, he was 7-8 so he still wasnt responsible for killing at that age.

so you can say, now Shigaraki became an adult so he can choose but we all know that people dont grow, if they dont have a chance to grow.

People kill to survive, this is not to justify murder, this is understanding of that sometimes some people can not really make choice in some situtions.

If a person is not given growth conditions, children cannot grow.

Shigaraki may have grown biologically, but mentally, he was not given the opportunity to grow. What makes us humans human is our interaction with other people.

If we do not interact with anyone, we lose our identity or in the case of Shigaraki, our personality does not occur. If Shigaraki has not grown, how can he be considered an adult?

We know that many terrible events such as trauma and violence can cause long-term damage to people's brains regarding mental health. So, how can Shigaraki's trauma be responsible for what she does, given his mental health?

We know that it is impossible not to lose mental balance in conditions of Shigaraki, it is impossible to grow, it is impossible to protect his mind against manipulation at the age of a child. So how exactly could Shigaraki cope in these conditions?

This is the problem. He cant not be able to handle it. Impossible.

You might say you could choose not to kill, but while the only adult who was with him showed him that it was true, and how he could otherwise deal with these feelings he had accumulated in him, what else could Shigaraki do?

Shigaraki kills without hesitation because killing is all he knows, the only thing he has been taught.

That's why Shigaraki's interaction with his team is important because it was the first time in his life that he met different opinions and people.

So he started to heal throughout the series. He chose to improve, to be a better person. So this character can get redemption.

And he feels guilty about what he does, but he does not show it by crying, he shows treating his own life as nothing and harming himself. Shigaraki may have begun to develop herself, but it does not mean that his trauma will cure magicly and he will suddenly getting away from Afo manipulation, he cant because he still hasn't given her another choice. No one was able to show him another way to survive both without suffering and having to kill. That's why it's important for a hero to reach out him.

Yes, Shigaraki killed a lot of people and they didnt deserve it, of course but whether he killed one person or killed million people, he had no choice. Everyone wants this character to pay the price because they want to blame someone for those much death, whereas like Afo and Ujiko who made Shigaraki suffer, those who choose not to reach Shigaraki when they can reach like Gran Torino etc, are more responsible than Shigaraki for what they did because they choose. But Shigaraki is just putting into practice what he has been taught, thats all he knows.So people really want to blame someone, they should blame people who could do something about it but choosing not to, they could blame the people who hurt this kid for their selfish reasons, they shouldnt blame the kid who is just reacting his pain cause he doesnt have a choice, he is not making a decision and people REACT.

Shigaraki can not understand his actions of how he effect other people / effect of his actions cause he is hardly be able to see them as an indiviluas, thats what happens, when you live your life as isolated. Shigaraki cant care other people s life while his own life was treated as worthless, they literally ignored his pain, even when he was a child. Shigaraki cant emphatize with people in society who have good lifes cause he never felt a safety his all life, there is no way he can understand their comfort. So basically, in those conditions, its not that Shigaraki doesnt want to emphatize with them, he CANT.

(This is why he asked Deku cause he is trying to understand at least to be able to improve himself for better which is the most important thing).

This is why people like Afo, Ujiko, Hero commity, Endeavour, they are worse than people like Shigaraki, Dabi, Hawks, Toga etc cause those people who created these “monsters” with their full will for the sake of their selfish desires. They are more responsible for monster’s actions than monsters casue they are the one who groomed them, rebuild their mindset.

That was also the subject of the Frankeinstein story. The monster may have killed a lot of people, but who created the monster? How does the monster become guilty when there are people who can teach him the truth, but don't choose to teach it, while the monster doesn't know what it's doing is right and wrong? However, he was not taught better. So how can he choice better, if he hasnt taught better? HE CANT.

As many as people want, may think Shigaraki is making a choice right now and that he's a bad guy, but in those circumstances, it was impossible for Shigaraki to choose a better option.

What do you expect to happen when you close someone in a room for years, stop him from talking to people and subject him to constant violence?

Do you think that person will not react to this violence?

Do you expect that person to behave like human while that person lives away from all kinds of human conditions?

Under these conditions, it is nonsense to expect better than Shigaraki.

In other words,

murder is apparently worse than violence, but an adult like Endeavor, who chooses exactly what he is doing without caring about the harm to other people, is fully responsible for what he does. Shigaraki, on the other hand, cannot really be held responsible for what she did, as it is impossible to act otherwise under these conditions.

So i understand that people are upset with death of people which is normal, those people who were killed by Shigaraki didnt deserve it at all but people need to understand that Shigaraki didnt have better choice, path than this. People say “this doesnt justify” cause they are scared of that the person will get away from what he did but point here is he doesnt get away from anything, he is victim whose all choices and humanity taking away from him so treating this victim as villain who just should defeated is NOT justice. If people want to blame someone, they should blame the people who are TRULY responsible for this, not the victim whose humanity stolen from him. Thats the point here.

By the way, not everyone has to be like Shigaraki. Shigaraki is already a character designed to be the ultimate victim. The reason it parallels with Deku is not because they are both heirs, but because they are both essentially the same kind child. But not everyone could be this kind, they could react worse and they might not have adapted to change that much. Shigaraki is just a tragic example of even you are the kindest person in the world, in terrible conditions, you would be just like Shigaraki or probably worse. He is a tragedy character, symbolize the victimhood that shows untentionally with most unpleasant ways. (Toga, Dabi, Shigaraki etc they all symbolize effects of violence though, they are not choosing a decision but actually just reacting the violence they endured, thats all, maybe i can make analysis about it later.)

Redemption is not about deserving or not. It's about wanting to be a better person but facing your creations or not. And if a villain receives redemption, it already shows that he has this potential from the very beginning, potential to be a good person, actually he was not as bad as that was thought, that is. Well at least, well-written redemptions work like this. In other words, villains such as Joker or Ujiko that will not receive redemption have nothing to admire. Choosing to be a villain until the end of your life is not something to be proud of, it is something to be ashamed of, because this is proof that you don't want to improve yourself.

I was just gonna say “i agreed” and make it short but i guess, i am kinda bored and this post became my rant, lol. Thank you anon btw.

#endeavour #shigaraki tomura #child abuse #abuse #bnha abuse #shimura tenko #mha redemption #anon

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bureauofstupidity · 4 years

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Men With Dangerous Toys

By John Peccavi February 24, 2021

Give a kid a toy and he wants to play with it. Same thing can happen if you give grown men with badges an armored vehicle or two.

Watertown, South Dakota, has a SWAT team. Suppose you're a rookie cop eager to join. You work hard to become part of this elite group.

When you make it, you put on your new tactical gear and look in the mirror. Cool! Like a Navy SEAL, huh? On its website, the Watertown police department brags about its SWAT team, which "also includes snipers, tactical dispatchers, and FBI trained crisis negotiators." The website describes the SWAT team's mission as protecting lives "during high–risk incidents involving hostages, barricaded subjects, snipers, and civil disorder." Hmmm. Exactly how often do things like that happen in a small town – population 22,000 – in rural South Dakota?

But if something ever does happen, they're ready. Unlike the 1960s television character Barney Fife, these guys have more than one bullet. They even have a drone and an armored personnel carrier. You, the new SWAT team member, just have to be patient. So, you go about your regular duties and wait for something to swat. The Watertown SWAT team is a "cooperative effort" with the Codington County Sheriff's Office, but the county also has its own Special Response Team. These people are prepared!

Neighboring Hamlin County, South Dakota, has a population of just 5,903, only about a fifth that of Codington County. But it was in Hamlin County where the SWAT team found some action. Of sorts.

The Hamlin County sheriff and a Watertown detective had an arrest warrant for Gary Hamen, a young man wanted for felony burglary and some misdemeanors. They went to the home of his parents, Gareth and Sharla Hamen. They lived in a rural area. The nearest town, Castlewood, has less than 700 residents and the biggest town in the entire county has less than 800. The Hamens also owned a mobile home, which was about 600 feet from their own. They let their son Gary live in it when it wasn't rented out. While the sheriff and detective were visiting, the phone rang and Gareth answered. It was Gary, who said he was in the mobile home. Gareth did not tell his son that the sheriff was there, but he did tell the sheriff Gary's location. The lawmen believed that Gary might have a gun and played it safe. Rather than walk over to the mobile home, they left and found a vantage point about a half mile away. From there, they saw Gary leave the trailer but go back in.

The sheriff called for the Watertown SWAT team, but by the time it arrived, and unbeknownst to the officers, Gary had slipped out of the trailer. The SWAT team set up a perimeter around the mobile home and flew a drone over it, but did not find Gary. In an armored vehicle, a SWAT team sergeant drove closer and called to Gary over a loudspeaker. No answer. The officers received a report from a neighbor who had seen Gary elsewhere, walking towards Castlewood. Another witness also reported seeing the young man. A SWAT team member called Gary's cellphone. He answered, sounded out of breath, and claimed he was almost to Minnesota. The Hamlin County sheriff requested backup. Soon, the Codington County sheriff, along with his county's Special Response Team, arrived. They brought an additional armored vehicle. Now surrounding the mobile home were a SWAT team, a Special Response Team and two armored vehicles, along with two sheriffs and a drone. But their suspect was somewhere else, as they should have known from the phone call he answered and the two witnesses who saw him near Castlewood. Nonetheless, they had the trailer surrounded and decided to go in and get him. This kind of stupidity is known as having their minds made up. You see it again and again in cases where police have focused on one subject and then ignore the ever–growing evidence of his innocence.

In such cases police also ignore clues pointing towards the real perpetrator, resulting in the wrong person going to prison. My mind's made up; don't confuse me with the facts. Another problem: Following procedure mindlessly, regardless of circumstances. SWAT team procedure called for them to make "portholes" in the dwelling so they could shoot in tear gas. With an armored vehicle, they ripped large gashes in the mobile home. However, before they could enjoy smoking a fugitive out, word came that he'd been spotted walking in a nearby river. (Was this to frustrate bloodhounds?) Gary quickly was arrested.

The SWAT team and Special Response Team left but the damage to the mobile home remained. When the county refused to pay, the Hamens sued.

Earlier this month, the South Dakota Supreme Court rejected part of their case. The Hamens had cited a provision in the state constitution providing that private property "shall not be taken for public use, or damaged, without just compensation." But the court held that this section did not apply when police broke things while trying to arrest a suspect. The court did leave open – for now – another part of the Hamens' complaint. They also had argued that the SWAT team had damaged the trailer while conducting a search which was unconstitutional under the Fourth Amendment to the U. S. Constitution. The police did not have a search warrant and the Hamens had not given them permission to enter the mobile home. The state supreme court sent the case back to the trial court to determine whether an exception allowed the police to enter the mobile home anyway. We'll have to wait and see how the lower court rules.

However, the state supreme court rejected another legal theory raised by the Hamens, who argued that the police also were liable because they had used excessive force. According to the state supreme court, the Hamens had not cited legal precedent showing a clearly established right not to have the police put great holes in the wall during a search. So, on the "excessive force" claim, the cops had "qualified immunity."

The qualified immunity doctrine lets cops off the hook all too often. In this case, the SWAT team clearly should have known that the man they sought wasn't inside the mobile home. Therefore, they had no reason to tear it up. So, in my opinion,

Read more about this case on my other blog, Plain Old Justice.

Banner photo of SWAT team from Watertown Police Department website. Photo of deputies from Hamlin County Sheriff's Department website. Photos of damage to mobile home from the South Dakota Supreme Court's decision.

#SWAT TEAM #armored vehicle #damage #vintage toys #police

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silenceofcreation · 4 years

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World

Maharaj: Which world are you enquiring about?

Q: The world of my perceptions, of course.

M: The world you can perceive is a very small world indeed. And it is entirely private. Take it to be a dream and be done with it.

Q: How can I take it to be a dream? A dream does not last.

M: How long will your own world last?

Q: After all, my little world is but a part of the total.

M: Is not the idea of a total world a part of your personal world? The universe does not come to tell you that you are a part of it. It is you who have invented a totality to contain you as a part. In fact all you know is your own private world, however well you have furnished it with your imaginations and expectations.

M: You are confused, because you believe that you are in the world, not the world in you. Who came first -- you or your parents? You imagine that you were born at a certain time and place, that you have a father and a mother, a body and a name. This is your sin and your calamity!

M: Within the prison of your world appears a man who tells you that the world of painful contradictions, which you have created, is neither continuous nor permanent and is based on a misapprehension. He pleads with you to get out of it, by the same way by which you got into it. You got into it by forgetting what you are and you will get out of it by knowing yourself as you are.

Q: Again, you deny the world. There is no bridge between us.

M: There is no need of a bridge. Your mistake lies in your belief that you are born. You were never born nor will you ever die, but you believe that you were born at a certain date and place and that a particular body is your own.

The world is the abode of desires and fears. You cannot find peace in it. For peace you must go beyond the world. The root- cause of the world is self-love. Because of it we seek pleasure and avoid pain.

Q: But past and future exist?

M: In the mind only. Time is in the mind, space is in the mind.

Q: Is there no salvation for the world?

M: Which world do you want to save? The world of your own projection? Save it yourself. My world? Show me my world and I shall deal with it. I am not aware of any world separate from myself, which I am free to save or not to save. What business have you with saving the world, when all the world needs is to be saved from you? Get out of the picture and see whether there is anything left to save.

M: My actual experience is not different. It is my evaluation and attitude that differ. I see the same world as you do, but not the same way. There is nothing mysterious about it. Everybody sees the world through the idea he has of himself. As you think yourself to be, so you think the world to be. If you imagine yourself as separate from the world, the world will appear as separate from you and you will experience desire and fear. I do not see the world as separate from me and so there is nothing for me to desire, or fear.

Q: So many saints and mystics lived and died. They did not change my world.

M: How could they? Your world is not theirs, nor is their yours.

Q: Surely there is a factual world common to all.

M: The world of things, of energy and matter? Even if there were such a common world of things and forces, it is not the world in which we live. Ours is a world of feelings and ideas, of attractions and repulsions, of scales of values, of motives and incentives, a mental world altogether.

To be free in the world, you must die to the world.

Your weakness is due to your conviction that you were born into the world. In reality the world is ever recreated in you and by you.

Q: How can it be? A child is born into the world, not the world into the child. The world is old and the child is new.

M: The child is born into your world. Now, were you born into your world, or did your world appear to you? To be born means to create a world round yourself as the centre. But do you ever create yourself? Or did anyone create you? Everyone creates a world for himself and lives in it, imprisoned by one's ignorance. All we have to do is to deny reality to our prison.

There is only one mistake you are making: you take the inner for the outer and the outer for the inner. What is in you, you take to be outside you and what is outside, you take to be in you. The mind and feelings are external, but you take them to be intimate. You believe the world to be objective, while it is entirely a projection of your psyche.

M: Of course. Once you accept time and space as real, you will consider yourself minute and short- lived. But are they real? Do they depend on you, or you on them? As body, you are in space. As mind, you are in time. But are you mere body with a mind in it? Have you ever investigated?

M: Of course we live in one world. Only I see it as it is, while you don't. You see yourself in the world, while I see the world in myself. To you, you get born and die, while to me, the world appears and disappears. Our world is real, but your view of it is not. There is no wall between us, except the one built by you. There is nothing wrong with the senses, it is your imagination that misleads you. It covers up the world as it is, with what you imagine it to be -- something existing independently of you and yet closely following your inherited, or acquired patterns. There is a deep contradiction in your attitude, which you do not see and which is the cause of sorrow. You cling to the idea that you were born into a world of pain and sorrow; I know that the world is a child of love, having its beginning, growth and fulfilment in love. But I am beyond love even.

Q: If you have created the world out of love, why is it so full of pain?

M: You are right -- from the body's point of view. But you are not the body. You are the immensity and infinity of consciousness. Don't assume what is not true and you will see things as I see them. Pain and pleasure, good and bad, right and wrong: these are relative terms and must not be taken absolutely. They are limited and temporary.

M: Yes, when the mind is eager for reality, it gives attention. There is nothing wrong with your world, it is your thinking yourself to be separate from it that creates disorder. Selfishness is the source of all evil.

Only the people who have gone beyond the world can change the world. It never happened otherwise. The few whose impact was long lasting were all knowers of reality. Reach their level and then only talk of helping the world.

M: The very desire to live is the. messenger of death, as the longing to be happy is the outline of sorrow. The world is an ocean of pain and fear, of anxiety and despair. Pleasures are like the fishes, few and swift, rarely come, quickly gone. A man of low intelligence believes, against all evidence, that he is an exception and that the world owes him happiness. But the world cannot give what it does not have; unreal to the core, it is of no use for real happiness. It cannot be otherwise. We seek the real because we are unhappy with the unreal. Happiness is our real nature and we shall never rest until we find it. But rarely we know where to seek it.

M: The world does not yield to changing. By its very nature it is painful and transient. See it as it is and divest yourself of all desire and fear. When the world does not hold and bind you, it becomes an abode of joy and beauty. You can be happy in the world only when you are free of it.

The world appears to you so overwhelmingly real, because you think of it all the time; cease thinking of it and it will dissolve into thin mist. You need not forget; when desire and fear end, bondage also ends. It is the emotional involvement, the pattern of likes and dislikes which we call character and temperament, that create the bondage.

Q: Without desire and fear what motive is there for action?

M: None, unless you consider love of life, of righteousness, of beauty, motive enough. Do not be afraid of freedom from desire and fear. It enables you to live a life so different from all you know, so much more intense and interesting, that, truly, by losing all you gain all.

~ Nisargadatta Maharajah ~

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lemonadebloodsworld · 4 years

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Tw: ED (??), sh, depression, suicidal thoughts, abuse (??)

So yeah,

It feels weird to come back here even if it's a more recent account. The first time I made a tumblr account was when I was 13 and back then I was already really depressed because of trauma, my relationship with my parents and the fact that they were always saying that I faked being depressed and was just being dramatic and other shitty stuff.

Back then they thought I was a gay girl too but yeah I'm a bi trans boy and it makes everything so damn harder because everytime I try to talk about my mental health my mom just says that it's JUST because I'm trans and I should just be patient and wait to be 18 to start a transition while yes, dysphoria and the fact that my family isn't really supportive make me sad but my mental health has been getting so damn bad.

I've never really been a happy child, my parents divorced when I was 3-4, my mom found my stepdad who has always been an asshole to me and my little brother because we are not his "real" kids and would always yell at us and hit my brother and my mom has always been depressive and mentally ill (Ed, depression and trauma) so she is scared of him ig, anyways, she just never said anything about it, even when she noticed that we were really scared of him.

My bio father was supposed to take us at his place every weekend but after a year he stopped coming and dissappeared for 9 years. At the same time I started to get bullied at school by older kids and some kids in my class and I didn't have any friends because it was a shame for them to be friend with me.

At 11, I have been sexually assaulted by an older kid (he was 15 or something) leaving me with trauma.

At 12 I changed school and found friends, I was so unused to it and ashamed of my past that I spent my time lying to them so they'll like me and think I'm cool, I also started to smoke and drink in secret because I felt so much pain and the intrusive thoughts started to get loud.

At 13 my bio dad came back in my life because he owed a lot of money to my mom and wanted to use us to make my mom feel bad about it. I started self-harming lightly and depression started to settle in but I wasn't really understanding what was going on because the "hypomanic" phases and intrusive thoughts were getting more present causing me to lose the only friends I had and yeah I just didn't understand what the hell was going on. I tried to talk about my mental health to my parents but they told me that I was being dramatic and it's a normal thing to feel bad because I was an adolescent and questioning my identity (I came out as a lesbian back at this time) and decided to just punish me and take my phone away because I was spending too much time alone in my room and didn't do the chores.

At 14 I started to have a lot of anxiety and panic attacks while being in depressive episodes, I started an ed (feeling shameful for eating even a little amount of anything and purging, I don't want to give it any name because I have been diagnosed and yeah), I also began to self-harm more and deeper (still not bad, I don't want to lie for that type of stuff xd), I broke down one day and told everything to my parents (sh, depressive tendencies, smoke, suicidal thoughts etc) and once again they were like "yeah nah it can't be that bad, you just lie to have attention and have an excuse to stay in your room and just being stupid" but my mom saw my arms and thights and then was okay for me to go see a psychologist. So for a year I had the opportunity to talk with a professional who was really amazing, she prescribed me light sleep pills because of my insomnia while in depressive episodes and "hypomanic" (don't have a diagnosis but I have all the symptoms but then again I don't want to self diagnose because it could be wrong and be something else) ones but my mom always refused to give them to me. At the end of the year she wanted an appointment with my mom to talk about my mental health and the importance for me to go see a therapist to be diagnosed (bipolar disorder 2 (she was still questioning it) , anxiety disorder and depression or whatever, she just wanted me to have the help I needed) but then again my mom said no because I was surely just faking it all and I just had to make efforts to be happy. I was so tired of everything and just wanted to feel better so I started to steal my mom depression medication (mostly Xanax and calming pills).

At 15 I met my first serious girlfriend, I fell in love so hard with her and for the first month she really helped me to stop sh, pills, drinking and everything was great until she started to verbally abuse me using my dysphoria and fragile subjects I told her about (she would say that I'm annoying and selfish for always feeling bad and that u was too sensitive and not a real boy if I cried) once I wasn't agreeing with her, slap and hit me if I said something she wasn't okay with or when I would have anxiety attacks or talk to her about my suicidal thoughts while in depressive episodes and yeah she used me like if I was a dog, if she wanted something or think in some way I would have to give her or do whatever she wanted or I would get threatened, insulted or ignored for a long time or other icky stuff. After 6 months of making me feel guilty for not letting her touch me in a sexual way she one day decided to start taking advantage of me while I wasn't in the appropriate head space or without my consent and then making fun of my body and making comments about the way I look. She in fact, made me really anxious and feel bad and it made me start to binge eat, at the end of the year my weight was 78 kg, before our relationship I was 59 kg, people noticed it but just told me to stop eating and go on a diet.

At 17 (this year) I finally broke up even if she asked me to do it because she didn't want to be seen as the mean one for letting me while I was clearly depressed. It was hard but I could finally meet new people or get back with people she didn't wanted me to talk to (especially my amazing actual partner and my bestfriend) who helped me a lot realizing all the shit she did to me and they have been amazing at making me feel loved and cared for and to be honest I don't think I would be there if they weren't in my life right now.

Now my mental health is just fucked. Like I said when I broke up with my abusive ex I had gained almost 20 kg and it reminded me all the bully I've been through as a kid (they most of the time used the fact I was overweight to bully me) so I started to starve myself or purge if I felt like I ate too much (I started to count calories) I was at 78 kg at the start and in 2 weeks I was at 65kg, it was during quarantine so i didn't have any friend or people noticing what I was doing or see me fainting. I started to drink almost everyday and smoke a lot.

In June I got in a relationship with my actual partner and to be honest it's the only good point I can find this year. They (genderfluid) are an angel and I just don't know what I would do without them, they help me a lot even if they are struggling with mental illness themself and anyone has ever cared for me and made me feel so loved before. Today it's been 4 months officially and it makes me feel happy and I just want it to never stop. My mental health is at its worst, I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts, i have a self destructive comportement, in September I started to sh again (a lot deeper) after 2 years clean, I often call them in the middle of the night (well in the middle of the day for them cause I'm in Belgium and they are in Texas) because of really bad dreams and suicidal thoughts, I am bullied and made fun of by the people in my class for being trans and having a different style (alt-grunge), I barely eat or purge if I try to have a meal, I have these "hypomanic" phases that make me getting really angry at nothing and do a lot of stupid shit because I feel invincible and better than anyone, almost godly and yet they never made me feel like I was a burden or like I should just stfu or like I was being dramatic and they are actually the first person believing me and not saying I fake everything.

I am struggling and it becomes so damn hard to live but I will do my best not to give up and just keep on fighting for them and maybe try to recover and seek for help when I turn 18. I already try to make little steps and stop self harming, drinking too much energy drink XDD so yeah let's just try and be positive I guess.

Sorry its actually so damn long hhh I don't even know if i will post It one day or keep it as a draft eheh I hate venting

#ed vent #vent text #tw depressing stuff #tw eating stuff #trauma #ventcore #traumacore #long ass rant #tw self destruction #self harrrm #tw self destructive behavior

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covert-schizoid · 4 years

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HelloI was wondering what your experience with szpd is and how you came to believe you had it Ive been questioning lately on whether or not I have it since I don't really want to be in a relationship and have no close friends outside of my family in fact I isolate myself a lot away from my family because I dont really relate to them or feel close or feel like becoming close I also have a feeling of emptiness butsometimes have intense emotional mood swings and also have had unstable relationships

First off, sorry for the late response, I was gonna type something up and then Things Started Happening which took most of my mental energy. Now that I've got a better handle on Things, I've got time to actually answer this so let's get started.

For me, it's important to note I'm a Covert Schizoid, so my experience is going to be different in a few important ways from Schizoid classic (Overt Schizoids)- so keep that in mind when comparing my experiences to yours.

I started seriously looking into self dxing in high school, when some of my symptoms (particularly maintaining my mask) started to really wear on me. I didn't feel comfortable bringing my symptoms to my parents (kinda awkward to go "hey mom, hey dad, I've been faking all our interactions for most of my life and it's really tiring, therapy mayhaps?) So going to any kind of therapist was pretty much out of the question. I decided to write down my symptoms before looking into anything as I didn't want to bias myself and so I'd always have a touch point to compare back to (which you seem to have done also).

This was my list: the main thing was the creation and maintenance of my mask (mimicking emotions, faking a particular personality to use for social interaction, learning scripts, reading/manipulating people etc.), leading to heavy burnouts if used too long (sometimes accompanied by feeling trapped and suffocated by the mere presence of another human being), and the admittance of not feeling much if anything in the way of emotion under the mask (and even "extreme" for me seemed to only reach normal for others) which I describe as void but its not all consuming or anything like that it's just... a factual state of being, extreme boredom, dissociation/depersonalization, lack of strong motivation/desire, lack of emotional empathy (tho I do have cognitive empathy I've worked to build), sense sensitivity (touch, smell, hearing), lack of appetite (sometimes due to lack of interest in food, lack of taste, lack of pleasure). This behaviour started as far back as primary school/kindergarten.

Basically just anything that seemed odd to me that I didn't observe in others or caused me discomfort. Then I started down the usual suspects, Occam's Razor and all that, chances are it'd be something more common. But while one or two things in diagnostic lists for depression and autism fit it wasn't nearly enough to get a diagnosis, or more importantly, explain what I was experiencing. I almost thought autism as I looked into personal experience as well to gain insight on what certain criteria looked like in practice, and girls with autism had something similar to my masks; but again it didn't fit the more I looked into it. Particularly the use of it in the want for “real connection” and “wanting to be accepted” which I did not have.

So I was forced to look further, and actually almost skipped over Szpd. I kept it on the list as it explained many of my underlying symptoms far better than depression or autism but it didn't have anything for the masks as far as I knew- and that was my main symptom. It also fit some of my life experiences, small to nearly nonexistent friend groups and such, but it couldn't explain my social abilities. I was looking into sociopathy and only on one of their info boards did I run into the term "secret schizoid". And boy, all it took was one search for it to have everything just click into place. It fit all the reasons I'd originally dismissed Szpd, and reading peoples accounts of living "covert" was like reading a day in my life.

Acting, playing a part, but ultimately detached from it all in that internal uncaring void. I maintained relationship because they benefited me, and dropped people when the cost of maintaining it outweighed what they could do for me. Only my immediate family was somewhat important to me and even now I only had four people I'd consider real friends in my whole life- only two still in it- and I'd still throw it all away in a heartbeat if I could live isolated in a house somewhere with my needs met if it meant I never have to see anyone again (Unfortunately, we "Live In A Society" and I need a "Job" to buy food and shit, so I gotta keep pretending to be a Normal Human Person). But there was my answer, that was my mask, that was my burn out. I dissociate 'cause that just what happens when you put on a front for that long to interact with -but always keep yourself separate- from the world. Lack of emotion and empathy was just classic Szpd under all that, same with boredom, motivation, and even the appetite bits as it was discussed a while back was anhedonia affecting food for others with Szpd.

By all accounts Covert Szpd explained every one of my symptoms perfectly (except the sense sensitivity, that’s prob just it’s own thing). The mask experiences being the most telling for me. I'd highly recommend reading peoples day in the life experiences on discussion boards to see if they speak to you- it was always what I found most helpful.

I jumbled your two main questions together a lot but I hope you can parse something useful from all this. From what little you shared I obviously can't tell you one way or the other if you have Szpd or not. Some of the things you mentioned could fit sure, but so could any other number of disorders. But if you do have Szpd, I'd say you should also look into a comorbidity for those mood swings- those aren't a Szpd trait but that doesn't disqualify you from having it. If you have one personality disorder it's not uncommon to have overlap or comorbidity with others.

#szpd #ask

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paulamehy · 4 years

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Back when I was younger, I did label things that I like and things I hate. Identified things that I thought I don't need and those I needed from what the society approves. And as I age, I realized that categorizing things only will lead you to disappointment because you can't always get everything that you like. Whether you want it to be part of your life or not, you have no choice but to accept that one's existence doesn't only consists of beautiful things.

And as I realized that, I became aware of my entity as well. I only binded my sight on something that gives light, I was so positive that everything that surrounded me was capable of dropping things that I hate without me knowing that it will become part of my life in the future. I despise myself for having that way of thinking.

As much as possible I want to be in a role where I'm the most loved by everyone. I remember in my childhood days, amongst my friends I always choose cartoon character that I knew had the greatest and biggest role in the show, character that was pretty, kind, lovable, friendly, cheerful and in the main lead. And in real life, I have tons of friends because I don't want to look loner, I show off my talents to make people embrace me as a special one, I'm cheerful up-front because it's what made me being remembered, and in a circle I wanted to be the main lead. I gained people and I want to be accepted by them to the means of flaunting every qualified aspects that I have and even some that I didn't have. And the fact that I did those only because I thought they're all I needed, and it's what the society said.

I was loved because I chose to be loved; because I chose to be happy.

But I slowly became conscious about myself. Realization hits me that I'm not pretty enough, I don't have perfect body, I do and I love weird things that people might find offensive and awful, I'm smart but I'm lazy, neglectful and klutz, I have lots of sexual fetishes and addiction that can't be accepted by norm if you're a female, I'm a sadist, I always had lewd thoughts, I'm sympathetic but sometimes it's done half-hearted, I'm aggressive, warfreak and manipulative. I'm overconfident that I can manipulate people and feelings towards me forever because I was able to.

Those rascal traits of mine were flaunted after years ago, and to suprised that there was someone who still accepted me for who I am. I was the happiest person that time and I believe that nothing in this world can ever replace those memories.

But this is not a romance journal.

Until the darkness that I never thought I'll encounter came out.

People are saying that it is one's choice if they want to be happy. I started to lose my sanity the time that I became self-conscious, I became so insecure and anxious and I always compare myself to others because I felt that I'm not enough and unworthy to extent of me being disappointed with myself.

Those "just be happy" kind of statements will never work out.

And because I'm studying Psychology that time so I have hints on what's going on with me. I had some short time dealing with mania and depressive episodes, or I'm being sad and anxious for awhile but always end up being fine because there's someone who's taking care of me and making sure that everything's alright. It really worked out for several years and I think that was already my happy ending that doesn't need to be extended with any other person anymore.

Sequels are unnecessary in real life.

However, I can't blame that someone for looking for another party to love because I sucked at being lovable, I knew that it's because he was fed up and been tired of understanding this thing that even me can't understand. I just hate myself and that everyone else is better than me.

Apart from that, my parents eventually got separated due to third party. And for me, it is understandable that the one just fell out of love. Is it? I can't think of anything else to feel aside from accepting the reality and move on and besides, they are still my parents. But it really hurts a lot, so much that I can't find any definition from dictionary on how to describe how I felt.

Anguish.

But I can't come to hate every single person around me. I never called it "betrayal" because in the end I still blame it to myself. I lost most of the important persons in my life together with my trust in everything. In those people who believe that it's not my fault, I somehow dug for the reasons why I should blame myself.

I believe that I was hit by karma because I've done so much filthy things for the past few years that I can never put into words.

I really can't help myself but to cry to sleep every night, overdid everything to escape the reality that I'm now alone and in this miserable state. I became detached with the things that I used to love before such as singing, writing, reading and drawing as all I did for living is to work.

I tried different coping mechanisms. I used different people, been used by different people. Been in a bar every other day until I lose my consciousness. Beaten myself to job and repeat. I often found myself in hospital or clinic due to fatigue and other sickness and I just cry as I pity myself.

That's when I realized that I've been clinging to other people for happiness to the point that being alone agonized me so much. I can't calm myself anymore because in the first place it's not me who is pacifying myself everytime I'm having horrible thoughts, considering that I hated my existence to death.

My depressive episodes gotten worst, I started cutting my wrist, face and legs to reduce the pain which I never did before, I also tried overdosing myseIf using my medicines but I only ended up being asleep for two days and been drowsy, I was so insane that I even went to different place and decided to drown myself, but I was caught up by the guard.

As expected, I was diagnosed with Manic-Depression/Bipolar Disorder 10 months ago, and in 6 months I was in the process of medication, been taking psychotic, antidepressant drugs and such which made me numb and apathetic up to present. Those who knew about my horrible situation were only my previous colleagues. I somewhat managed to hide this from my family.

Several months ago, I started to weigh down some things to refresh my mind. I tried to survive on my own. I quit school, I moved to different workplace, been independent, cut ties with other people and I started to change some of my coping mechanisms.

I thought that those are the best things to do, but I knew to myself that its only because I want to run away from everything. I've tried too many coping mechanisms and escape was only the last option. Inever regret those things that I did in the past, but I felt that I need to put myself together for a bit. I don't have any plans on making myself better neither heal myself from the pain. I'll just exist and to my job right for the rest of my life.

It's been 6 months since I decided to slowly compose myself, I can't tell whether I'm completely recovered or what and I don't want to be complacent. I'm still on the same track, my thought are still bleak, I'm not happy neither sad, I don't feel anything towards everything literally and emotionally probably because of the medicines I'm currently taking. I'm coming to work for survival, I only have 1 friend that I can talk to with regard to office stuff, I am not standing out with anyone, a lowkey. I'm not accepting any courting or flirting. As much as possible I don't want to involve myself in infatuation. I changed every single aspects, habits, beliefs and behaviors that I can, and unexpectedly I was able to attain 6 months of not drinking any liquor. It doesn't make any sense but I feel like testing myself again.

I also created my bucket list that I want to fulfill before killing myself. But I just hope that I'll die without doing any self-infliction as I don't want to make any sin anymore.

The only trait that I knew was good and that I can't change is me being empathetic. I understand people for doing things whatever the reasons are even if it affects me, hurts me and such. I had this trait that I wish I didn't have.

In the end I never blamed anyone or anything because it's my choice to be in this situation. I got swallowed by the dark path that I just encountered and I don't think I can do anything else.

I just never loved myself to begin with.

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bethgreeneishopeunseen · 6 years

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What state do u think she'll return in? I don't know much about brain injuries; would it be possible for her to have survived with her emotional/intellectual/motor abilities more or less intact? How "normal" could she be health wise? I know its fiction, so they could just say "she's alive and fine!" nd not be practical abt it. But this is such a big storyline thats been speculated on for YEARS. They have to execute it perfectly and be as realistic as they can be with this one.

https://bethgreeneishopeunseen.tumblr.com/tagged/bullet-evidence

https://bethgreeneishopeunseen.tumblr.com/tagged/headshot-%3D-death-my-ass

Hey anon! I think when Beth returns she will return relatively intact, just further scarred and hardened as a survivor. The links above are my tags related to her gunshot wound (GSW). For reference, Beth was shot through the left upper side of her forehead and not from under her chin as most viewers believed. Skybound even tweeted this gif two weeks after Coda aired (x). While the wound is still significant, it’s still survivable as the parts of her resemble for basic function wouldn’t be damaged.

(While Tyreese’s hallucination of Beth was inaccurate as she had an exit wound, which increases her odds, this is a good visual of the actual entry point.) Beth’s wound parallels comic!Andrea’s second facial scar, as Andrea was shot and the bullet skimmed her scalp, cutting a groove into her temple. In the early days of TD, people theorized that something similar happened to Beth. Rather than the bullet going straight through her brain, the bullet instead skimmed the inside of the skull. Such a thing has been observed in wartimes and was used in some Law & Order episode I think.

There are numerous cases in real-life and in fiction in which people suffer headshots and survive. In real-life the people may suffer some mild amnesia or a complete personality gage – Phineas Gage is a famous example. He suffered extensive damage to his to left frontal lobe and became a new person, with a breakdown in impulse control and general behavior throughout the remaining twelve years of his life. (Off-topic but serial killers suffered head injuries as children, indicating a connection between emotional empathy, impulse control, and the ability to feel remorse. Have you noticed yet that I’m a psychology nerd?) From what I’ve read about Phineas Gage his injury was considerably worse than Beth, and he lived during the 19th century. Beth is fictional and was last seen in the only known functioning hospital during the apocalypse. Grady was created for her character, and it was left standing for a reason. In a deleted scene from Coda, Dawn gave Edwards the keys to the medicine cabinet (x). He can make the call. If Beth was cured/immune to the virus (which I think she is), and he was horrified by her “death” and likely felt guilty, then he would want to do something. He would definitely want her body if she were immune for scientific purposes – his research. He could give her the medical treatment she would which would mostly consist of antibiotics and bandages as the bullet wouldn’t need to be removed. Furthermore, Beth had heparin in her system before she was shot. (Tagging @bethgreenewarriorprincess since this is her area of expertise.)

Long ago Christy discovered that Beth’s IV was a giant-ass bag of heparin, a strong blood thinner. Heparin will likely serve dual purposes in Beth’s story going forward: her survival and her role in a cure arc. (If you would like to read more about this theory, check out this tag: x.) In zombie literature, heparin is used as a cure. It’s anticoagulant so it keeps the blood from clotting. In TWD zombie blood is thicker than the living’s, so it’s possible heparin is part of a drug cocktail to fight the virus. Beth was bleeding more than normal in Grady because of this. If you go back and watch the opening of Slabtown, the blood on her bandage from the IV needle is more than what would be expected. Heparin also helps treat those with head trauma:

“Heparin is a low molecular weight anticoagulant; aka a medication that thins the blood. She was given this by IV and at a large dose (the reason for this is yet unexplained but I theorize about that here) that would still be in her body at the time she was shot Heparin is used in many cases of TBI (traumatic brain injury), such as as a head-shot like Beth’s, and it’s felt to result in less progression of injury on brain imaging in studies that have been conducted. (x) The fact that she was given heparin beforehand could very well have been the very thing that saved her.” - bethgreenewarriorprincess (x)

About three weeks passed between 5x08 and 5x10. Some blogs theorized that the music box’s resurrection not only symbolized Beth’s survival but also her waking up from a coma. An injury like hers would justify a coma of that duration, and she would have plenty of time to recover. Several months passed between 5x08 and 7x08 (x), for example. She’s going to be an even bigger character when she returns, and I don’t think that the writers will permanently reduce her abilities. This is arc about building her up, not cutting her down.

In regards to possible symptoms of her injury, there are two major theories. The first is that she has reduced eyesight, possible blindness in one of her eyes. This is based mostly in Daryl’s comments about “nothing worth seeing out there” in Still and the one-eyed dog in Alone. I don’t think this will happen. Daryl’s statement reflected his cynicism and loss of hope, and one of the main themes in Still is that Beth is right, not Daryl the seasoned survivor. Furthermore, Father Gabriel already has an eye injury and it would be excessive to give it to Beth. The second theory is that she will have some form of amnesia. In the comics, when Carl wakes up from his eye injury he can’t remember anything from since before the prison fell. He even forgot that his mother and sister had died. Beth might undergo a similar thing during her journey, forgetting some key details about her past. She would likely remember the skills that Daryl had taught her though as that kind of memory is separate from episodic (personal) memory. This theory would explain why Beth as Boots didn’t reach out to Team Family. If Beth has amnesia, I don’t think it would be long-term or be affecting her when she would eventually reunite with her family. The writers would want to take full advantage of the emotions, and amnesia would reduce that, emphasizing the tragedy more than the relief and celebration.

Now this is totally a crack theory, but I could see the writers giving her an amnesia similar to Capgas Delusion.

“Capgras delusion is a psychiatric disorder in which a person holds a delusion that a friend, spouse, parent, or other close family member (or pet) has been replaced by an identical impostor. The Capgras delusion is classified as a delusional misidentification syndrome, a class of delusional beliefs that involves the misidentification of people, places, or objects.” (x)

youtube

(skip to 1:53)

As Boots, if Beth saw her family she might outright distrust and not believe it when she saw Rick at Alexandria. An amnesia akin to Capgras delusion would be interesting because it echoes the Whisperers, a group that will likely appear in some form this season and have already been foreshadowed. The Whisperers are a large antagonistic group from the comics who wore walker face-masks to move through herds and to camouflage themselves. Gross but affective. Emily’s first project post-TWD even included an egg that connoted the Whisperers and was repeated in season 7 (x).

No matter what happens, I think the missing scenes will help to explain how Beth survived. The Grady set was also built in the studio and included a three-story elevator. Emily was filming into October 2014 when her scenes supposedly wrapped at the end of August (x); she supposedly started filming in mid-June of that year for Slabtown but she a month earlier she was at one missing set (the white houses). There are photographs and statements that confirm all of this. She’s likely filmed material since then too. I think all of that missing footage will be used in another some kind of miniseries/mini movie or flashbacks to explain her journey.

#team delusional #beth greene #bullet evidence #headshot = death my ass #beth was bit #asks #the whisperers

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pinkpaganofficial-blog · 6 years

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Content and trigger warnings for:

- eating disorder[s] (eds), i.e anorexia, bulimia

- me talking about my suicidal thoughts and venting (I'm ok i just need to like... "word vomit" i guess)

- abandonment by friends

- feeling repression

~~~\\

So i doubt most people on here who follow me know that I suffer from mental illness but I do and have for a very long time. All of the symptoms and effects really came out after my grandfather/best friend passed away when I was 11, 12 years ago. I fell into a hole of depression, anxiety, and disordered eating. From the time I was 11 until I was around 14 I had a very hard time with food. I was suffering from bulimia and I would do the routine binges and purges I had set for myself through the day. I'm surprised my teeth survived all of the stomich acid assaults on them honestly.

I was lonely. I felt so fucking alone in the world. I didn't have many friends. The friends I had were pretty fairweather at the time, as we were kids. They'd hop to the coolest person in their opinions on sight and leave me in the dust, and then come back when they were done, or something happened, whatever. It wasn't stable, and I was always afraid of just being deserted again. My friend who stuck with me, my grandfather, was gone. My grandmother was so in shambles that she doesnt even remember the year after he died at all. My mother is chronically ill, and even though she is and will always be there for me as long as is possible I just couldn't tell her how bad I was feeling. Maybe it was guilt because she has problems that I felt far outweighed mine (haha oh god there's the tears that actually stings).

And my dad is... well.. a dad. Sometimes dads just don't understand things like mental illness, or being an unwell person. My dad loves me. I know that, and I love him a lot too. But he can't understand how these things affect me as he's basically neurotypical in every way. He tries. But I can't find empathy there, and a lot of the time there's misunderstanding when we talk about mental illness. So I didn't tell him anything then either.

I would stay in my room a lot, or be out in the woods a lot. I would scratch up my arms with my nails until they would bleed and I would cry. I felt like I didn't care if I died at that time. My parents raised me religiously in the church and I tried very hard to have a relationship with their concept of a god. But I couldn't because to me in was just emptiness. For me, in that sense, there is nothing there. So my loneliness was running even deeper than just the physical. It was spiritual as well. And idk if anyone reading this has experienced spiritual emptiness, or even is a spiritual person, but please believe me when I say it's Hell.

When I was 14 I rode my bicycle out to a bridge near my home out in the back woods type country. The old train bridge kind with the big cement blocks at the bottom of the pillars holding them up. I remember sitting on the very edge of it just looking down at the cement. I really wanted to jump. Honestly the only reason I didn't was because of my mom. She's the reason I stepped back, got on my bicycle and rode home. Albeit I was crying the whole way home, stayed out in the garden to finish crying, washed my face in the creek and went inside and straight upstairs to my bed and I slept until the next day.

When I was around the end of being 14 I tried repression. I started trying eating normally (which has wrecked me internally, I have major digestive problems as I've always refused to go to a rehab centre, which in itself is not good for me). I started pretending to have a relationship with "God". I tried the whole "cool hip Christian kid" spin from when I was that age until 17 or so. I pushed back my depression, my fears and anxieties and eds to see if I could be happy. And I pretended to be happy for a while. And I fooled a lot of people.

Things weren't by any means okay though. My school work was suffering as it always had, but since the work was harder it was also suffering harder. I picked up smoking cigarettes. I also picked up alcohol more and more. I dated a 21 year old and lost my virginity to him at 16, after much coaxing from him. That was an extremely bad 8 months.

My saving grace and my recharge at the time was a Bible camp I'd attend in the summers. I went for 12 years. Now that I think about it.. that camp was my only constant thing for a very long time. It was always there. And even when it wasn't camp time, the place was so close I could just go talk to the live in managers when I had questions. While my relationship with a god I don't believe in was strained and a facade, the people I met are amazing and have helped me a lot.

In fact, at that camp I spilled a lot of my struggles to my group of close friends. We were just a few girls, only 17 or so. But they had all been through things just as bad as me. Some so close it scared me. I felt accepted by those girls who are now beautiful strong women. So I opened the flood gates of what I had been through. All of my dark times and feelings, thoughts of dying and plans to do it, the bulimia and how it hurt my body, my 21 year old ex and what had happened to me, my struggles in school, my guilt towards my mother as her pregnancy with me put her in her wheelchair, my panic attacks and the anxiety that I'd felt for so long, my loneliness and my desperate want to not be alive. Basically just like, ALL of it. I don't really think that was a gate I could've closed even if I tried at that point. It was just a lot.

It took a while to talk about everything, and by the time I'd covered everything even more young folks like us had come over to sit. I was sobbing. My friends weren't very far behind either. Someone was rubbing my back and another person brought me tissues. I finished and everyone was kinda quiet and sad. One of my friends said "Hey can we all just kinda sit together and pray?" and I said that I thought that was a good idea. So we sat. And we just prayed. Even if they were words floating up to an empty space where I see no god, the solidarity that I felt with my friends and those around showing that they cared about me was overwhelming. I wasn't alone. I had friends. REAL friends who weren't looking for the next best thing. And I didn't feel as empty anymore. Knowing that I had people who genuinely cared for me and everything I'd been through and everything I was made me feel so much more worthy of living, it showed me I wasn't nothing.

A lot has happened since those dark times. I've had other dark times. Anorexia claimed me at 18 as a sufferer, and I still struggle with it to this day. I had a physically and emotionally abusive sociopathic partner in the Autumn of my 21st year. I had a whole 2 year ordeal with someone that I'm not even going to talk about, as this person and I have BOTH put it behind us and forgiven each other and are now friends. I alsp dropped out of high school in grade 11.

But I've had a LOT of light times. I started actively loving my body at 21, which was the first new constant in my life. I took action and got a breast reduction from G to C cup for my health at 18. I left the church and started understanding science better. The spiritualist in me called for more, so I delved into research on Paganism and Wicca. What I found was what I needed. It was the second new constant I needed. So now instead of 1, I had 2.

I live with my fiance now. He's someone who I was schoolmates with in highschool. After a few years of not keeping in touch, we hung out. We got close again. And after a few years we started dating. We've had bumpy patches. 1 break up due to his mental illness (again, it rears its ugly head). But that was short lived. And we are actively improving ourselves while being there for one another. Last March I asked him to marry me to which he said "Well, I was gonna ask you when we got our own place, so obviously yes." (I've dated a lot of people, so I am so happy that it was him I'm going to be with, no offense to any of the guys, girls and other folks I've been with and am friends with). He's my third constant.

I have so much more now than I ever dreamed I could in those dark times, friends.

Moral of the story is:

Friends come and go. But you'll find someone, or multiple people who will care about you enough to stick with you as much as you wanna stick with them.

Don't give up on yourself. You're gonna have a lot of bad times. Life happens and we can't do shit about it. But life also has a lot of really good times worth looking forward to and holding close to heart. You can love yourself no matter who you are or what you look like because you're more than a name or a number on a scale. You're a complex person with real feelings who is worthy of self love. And love from others too.

Pain sucks. Life can suck a whole fucking lot. So much you want it to end. But through all the struggle, the hurt and the mental illness, you still very much deserve a good life. If not more, because you're actively trying to enjoy being alive in a very hard time.

So yeah. Thanks for reading this. I just needed to talk. I felt like I was going to explode and my Instagram isn't really the place to put this.

Take care of yourselfs. Cherish yourself and your time here. Make the best of your situations as much as you can. Hold your loved ones close in mind and heart. And don't be afraid to talk.

#anorexia recovery #bulimia recovery #self love #feels #rant #feelings #depression #anorexia #my past #struggle #victory #pinky

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news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog · 6 years

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We watched the feature length Jake Paul docu-series finale so you don't have to

"I want a whole cake after all this is over," Shane Dawson says when Jake Paul and his girlfriend Erika Costell stroll up to his house holding baby pink cake pops shortly before their last interview.

Honestly, us too, Shane.

Welcome to Inside the Mind of Jake Paul, the feature length finale to the docu-series that dove into the whirlwind of growing up on camera. The eighth episode clocks in at a whopping 1 hour and 45 minutes, but if you're a functional human being who doesn't have the time to invest in watching Shane unpack all of Jake's undiscussed trauma, don't worry about it: We watched every agonizing minute of it so that you don't have to.

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SEE ALSO: Jake Paul's ex reveals ugly side of their relationship in part 7 of Shane Dawson's docu-series

You might want to sit down for this. There's a lot that went down in this finale.

Here's what Shane and Jake talked about in their one-on-one interview:

#Jerika

Despite rumors of a faked relationship for YouTube clicks, Jake and Erika seem to be a very real, very grounded couple. After two years of working with each other, one year of having a fling, and about four months of actually being in an official committed relationship, they both admit that they're good for each other, even with the baggage Jake still deals with from his disastrous love triangle between him, his ex-girlfriend, and his older brother.

"I have a lot of trust issues from that," Jake tells Shane. "Erika had to teach me how to love."

The Martinez Twins

Jake appears to have some sort of savior complex when it comes to the Ivan and Emilio Martinez, who left Team 10 in 2017. He says he personally scouted them from their hometown in Catalonia, Spain, taught them English, and mentored them in growing a social media following. Despite their claims of abuse and bullying, Jake says they were "just pranks" and that all of their videos were scripted.

"I love them as little brothers," he says. "It was more than me helping them get followers."

He won't take accountability for racist jokes and microaggressions against them, though, because "anything was a joke for us." But he did apologize in a 2017 response video.

His public image

Jake does acknowledge that his obnoxious persona is "cocky." For example, when he climbed the KTLA news van:

Jake also understands he's a controversial of a public figure.

"As the list of controversies piled up," he rants. "There just became this bandwagon of 'Fuck Jake Paul.' Every little thing you do from there on out just amplifies."

The original Team 10 house and its neighbors

According to former Team 10 COO Nick Crompton, a company employee tried to add the house's address to an event on Google. Instead, he accidentally published the address on Google Maps, inviting hordes of fans to swarm the social media incubator. Fellow West Hollywood residents were furious that their neighborhood had become a tourist attraction for screaming preteens, which led to the KTLA profile and helped introduce much of the world to Jake Paul.

"We tell fans not to come, we have our own security 24/7," Jake sighs. "I hated it too. I felt like a prisoner in my own house ... really the only situation was for us to leave, which we tried to do as fast as possible."

He also admits that the massive pool fire he and his roommates set in the backyard was a mistake.

"As I got more views and more money ... In the back of your head, you're like let's just keep on going," he says. "We'll do whatever we want for content. I would just act and not really care what the result was."

Constantly pushing merch to little kids

Jake is incredulous that his merch-peddling is harmful to his young views.

"Honestly I think it's really stupid that people think it's manipulative," he rants. "Just because my fans are younger, does that mean I'm manipulating them? I don't think a kid would actually believe that and be like, 'Wow, I'm not cool if I don't have this."

Shane attempts to call him out:

When Shane tells Jake that he has "a lot of power" and therefore "responsibility," he seems to reconsider. Barely.

"But I don't want to become so squeaky clean that it's not fun anymore," Jake complains.

His ex-girlfriend Alissa Violet and her affair with his brother Logan Paul

"I wasn't, at the time, mature enough to know how to be a boyfriend," Jake admits. He calls his on-again, off-again relationship with Alissa a "toxic situation" because they were not only dating, but they were also living together and working together.

He believes that she started her affair with his brother "out of spite," to "get revenge" for the way he treated her. When a friend sat him down and told him that she and Logan were sleeping together, he says he "stayed silent for three days."

"I was heartbroken, for many reasons," Jake says on the verge of tears. "Yes, in our fucked up relationship we did a lot of things to hurt each other, but that was like ... that was it for me. It was the most alone I've ever felt in my life."

SEE ALSO: Jake Paul's ex reveals ugly side of their relationship in part 7 of Shane Dawson's docu-series

According to Jake, he gave Alissa 30 days to move out of the Team 10 house and offered to pay for an Airbnb for her to stay in until she found her own place. When she refused to leave, he hired a moving truck — which is apparently when the viral Snapchats of her belongings in the foyer began making their rounds.

Explaining that he was "more disappointed" in Logan, Jake says he forgave his brother because if he let it "manipulate" his life, then he'd be "giving her what she wanted."

Assault allegations against Alissa's new boyfriend, Faze Banks

In response to his assistant's assault allegations against Faze Banks, Jake and Team 10 launched a feud against the other YouTuber

"Out of all the shit that I've done, I feel so stupid even talking about the situation now," Jake laments. "It was too real and too hostile."

Shane points out the culture of YouTubers trying to destroy each other, but says the situation with Faze Banks was "next level because it involves assault."

In a surprising gesture of maturity, Jake pulls out his phone and deletes the video from his channel.

Logan's suicide forest debacle

"It dramatically affected my business, just as much as it affected him, because people think we're the same," Jake says.

He says he lost two seven-figure brand deals because his name was so deeply tied to his brothers and admits that he didn't watch the video before it was posted. He also resents the fact that his reputation was destroyed because of his brother.

His creepy dad Greg Paul, and working with family

Jake is 21 years old, and seems to really need a parental figure in his life right now:

The future of his career

At the end of the video, Jake and Erika explain that they're finally going on vacation.

"I hate the drama now, it's so overplayed," Jake says while discussing the Alissa/Logan disaster. At the end of the finale, he admits that he just wants to "completely disconnect from social media."

"The last thing I need is another 'Why I left Team 10' video," he laughs.

So is he a sociopath? Probably not — and without a licensed therapist who specializes in working with people who have antisocial personality disorders, no one should make that claim. What he does appear to be, though, is a kid with too much money and a reputation that precedes him. But he looks forward to leaving his past behind and figuring out where his career is going.

"I made all these mistakes, I have all this knowledge now," Jake muses. "I made a name for myself, but it's like ... What am I gonna do with that? And to me, that's exciting."

But as we've come to know Jake Paul, we'll see if he actually does move on from the life of drama that he's created.

WATCH: What's up with the Razer Phone 2? — Technically Speaking

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