#also them being first cousins in canon but also. i think we should all gut adderswift anyways and pretend they only had patch and leopard

[yuridovewing]

This is gonna sound kinda shitty but tbh I'm only interested in exploring DarkTiger in a romantic angle if you go at it as a doomed unhealthy relationship. It's kinda like AshWhite to me where I do not think its a good pairing or a desirable one, it's more of a character exploration thing.

[nadival]

HOTD(Imperfect rant)

Bassiacly what i said it should be longer, imo the first half of Season 1 should be at least the ENTIRE season one and the second half should be season 2.

Also the characters should change WAY more. I mean show Rhaenyra acts like a kicked puppy, she's not politiacly savy, basically everything that happens is because of other characters. She's always asking Viserys and Daemon to fix her problems instead of doing things herself and kill Vaemond herself like she does in canon.

She has her moments sure but she's so inconsistent, and why the fuck is she and Alicent still tryna fuck one another?

The fact that Alicent isn't the evil stepmother and an actual IMPORTANT member of Team Green is its separate problem, I mean let women be evil! She's not supposed to be sympathetic! She's a usurper! She's a schemer! She loves her children but even that has its own problem, cus she doesn't do shit to defend them or raise them properly. She loves Aemond and honestly, he's like Team Green's one redeeming quality(Ewan I'm looking at you), honestly so far he's been rather cool except by the end when he REGRETS killing Luke! I mean the fuck he literally spent YEARS wanting revenge, and yet they made him regret it, it sucks! The deleted scene was WAY better, I mean almost all deleted scenes are better than the ones we got. Daemon comforting his kids after Laena's death, Daemon mourning Visenya and Viserys, basically any deleted Daemon scene is better than the one we got.

Also why the fuck is Daemon CHOCKING his fuckin wife? I get it he's a borderline psychopath but he loves with all his heart or hates with his entire being. I get that he felt bertrayed by Viserys for not telling him the prophecy and losing Visenya, but he should've like raged at the wall or something.

Now onto other things like Rhaenyra X Alicent what the fuck is that about? I mean they're just Laena X Rhaenyra from wish, and it's a pathetic attempt at making Alicent sympathetic(Read above for what i mean).

On the topic of Laena she is the cousin of Rhanerya and in the shwo the two are "close" however we aren't shown any of their relationship. Then she eventually married Daemon and has children with him. One conversation with Daemon, and then one with her daughter, shows us that she is a strong character with lots of potential. Moments later she takes her own life via her dragon.

Yet in the books we are told much more and it could've been much more meaningful, her death could've been much more meaningful.

However we barely know Laena and she just becomes a side character for Daemon, and a useless one at that. They could've shown us who she was, how she raised her kids with Daemon, and then in classic GoT fashion, ripped our hearts out by killing her in a dramatic and Dragonriding way. Remember, she had claimed Vhagar, the oldest and largest living dragon. But that wasn’t enough to earn her some screen time?

Now after Laena's death. Laenor shouldn't've decide to abandon his grieving mother and father after the death of his sister while also murdering someone in the process. That turned a sympathetic character into someone I honest to god hope suffers forever. The face of Rhaenys when she thinks her son died is gut wrenching. Also why the fuck is this Rhaenys actually fighting for Rhaenyra? She belives she had her son killed?! Also protray The Greens better, not whitewash them literally have them be better characters and make them make sense. The fighting pits doesn't make any sense, this is the guy who drank and raged endlessly after his son died and yet he has his kids fight in pits? The fact that he's a rapist doesn't make his character better, in fact it makes things worse. It was very forced, and made just for shock value. He can be a perverted asshole but that doesn't mean he's a fuckin rapist.

More on Aegon have him actually spend time with Sunfyre and his family, with his kids, i'm not saying he has to be Dad of The Year, but the reason he Usurped Rhaenyra was because he was scared for his family. Also let the greens present their actual arguments(Great Council, Bastards, Daemon, fear for their safety etc). Allow Ser Criston to crown Aegon and convince him to take the throne.

Als portray Helaena like a human and Mother, have her have a couple of scenes with Jaehaerys, Jaehaera, and Maelor it would've been a great way to contrast her character pre and post B&C. While also humanizing the children and making it matter. Also on the topic of children if you're gonna have The Green and Black kids be friends, show the hatred growing on both sides.

Now for Rhaenys and Corlys have them be way more sensible, I mean why the fuck are they supporting Rhaenyra? In the books it makes sense but here they believe she killed their son! Also if they're gonna support her, make them especially Rhaenys more book-accurate. Also, why are they pitting Rhaenys against Rhaenyra? In the books she was RIDE AND DIE for Rhaenyra like she was the first to go to war, she was the strongest supporter of Rhaenyra's claim. Also don't have that fucking staring scene with Rhaenys killing people in King's Landing just to NOT kill The Greens, which she definitely should've and BookRhae would've shouted it loud and proud! Oh and make her Black haired Goddamnit!

I have much more complaints but this is just a rant bye!

[captain-astors]

01 Tokis Ghoul :)))

Awful takes ahoy

Favorite character:

It changes frequently but Takizawa has permanent residence in at least the top 3. Recently I've been liking Shikorae.

Least Favorite character:

I've mentioned that the worst offense a character can make is being boring. So I probably don't remember them at all, but of the ones I do know :re Touka. She's so sadly bland and it just feels like her personality hasn't been developed just taken down a couple notches. I like her so much! I don't like what was done with her.

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): Oh god, in no particular order:

If I had to pick one of the big three kaneki ships: Shuuneki. shuunaki because I read a couple good fics, utaren's very interesting to me romantically and platonically, I heard of Eto Itori and Rize once and it's lived in my mind since. And then one of my many rarepairs that will seem weird or outright nonsensical is furushuu. I won't bother attempting to explain, I'd get nowhere, but if you were me it'd seem so interesting I promise. My favorite genre for all of these except for itorizeto (of which I just think they should conquer the world, the way their names connect so easily makes me happy. They're entirely there if you look at them individually, but as a whole they also overlap with each other!) is one-sided affection. I'm a fan of pining.

Character I find most attractive: 

I've never really sat back and gone "wow that is a pretty person" while reading Tokyo Ghoul. The closest I've gotten was seeing an Ayato cosplayer just pick up a person and carry them, matsumae for a moment, and when I first got into the series, Shuu.

Character I would marry: 

Kanae.

Character I would be best friends with:

Kanae, Kurona, and Nishiki seem cool but they'd hate my guts! Anyone that comes to mind first as an interesting as a friend would probably want me dead, So Hanbee or Koori. They could learn to tolerate me.

a random thought:

When tumblr starts being thirsty over “that old man” I do think of Kureo Mado (Akira’s dad) I Am Sorry. I will not change.

An unpopular opinion:

This fandom is too dead for me to know what a popular opinion is so: Kaneki isn't that interesting after the tsukiyama extermination arc, and Touka's speech to him when he came back to Anteiku did literally nothing. Touka and Hide's influence gives Kaneki brief moments of clarity before doing something stupid that'll hurt people, and then he does the stupid thing that'll hurt people anyways but we should root for him anyways because he's thinking of them... Is suppose.

My Canon OTP:

This is a funny one because I am either neutral or outright annoyed by most canon ships. I guess Nishikimi, they support and love each other and Kimi’s character couldn’t be assassinated to love a man because it was a quality of her personality from the beginning, and even if :re doesn’t devote too much time to her she’s still an influential and decent character.  

My Non-canon OTP: 

I kind of ship almost anything that drifts my way a little bit and nothing passionately. You could give me any of the ones I've mentioned and 50% of those I haven't and I'd go "yeah sure that one"

Most Badass Character:

ETO YOSHIMURA MY EVERYTHING, I don’t care how many times Kaneki changes his hair color she is unmatched.

Most Epic Villain:

Furuta and his weird methods. It’s unfortunate we never got a real idea of how strong he is because kingneki got a final form complete with religious imagery to crush the sinner! And barely took a scratch that entire fight. Seriously if the early confrontation with an aggressive bisexual with a poorly thought out plan trying to eat your main character is more intense than the final fight of the series with a character who’s a living manifestation of all of the issues that characters in this series suffer from, both on the receiving and giving end, I feel like it’s all gone off the deep end.

Pairing I am not a fan of:

The two weirdly-prevalent-in-the-old-fandom cousin pairings. Yes the one-sided attraction is canon, they’re still cousins and I don’t like it when that obsession is romanticized even when rewritten to be “ethical” otherwise. Unhealthy pairings can be interesting if handled well but they’re also related. But if you want my petty "nothing wrong with this the vibes just aren't it" answer, Hinami and Ayato.

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another):

Is all of them an option. Mostly joking but really, so many of them never got a good resolution or were straight up abandoned by the narrative but it's okay because look! Main character got a happy family! Not sure how because from the state we saw him in earlier I don't think he's fit to have a stable friendship let alone a wife and two kids but alright I guess kisses cure issues. I feel the worst for Takizawa, Furuta, Shuu, and Mutsuki currently because I'm thinking about how they never got a good resolution.

Favourite Friendship:

I’m making it friendshipS because there is no way I could limit myself to just 1, Chie and Tsukiyama, Shikorae and Takizawa, the clowns in general, the quinx squad in general, and I know it's not nearly canon but Furuta and Eto were made enemies BECAUSE GOD WAS AFRAID OF WHAT THEY WOULD ACHIEVE IF THEY WERE FRIENDS. I like to ponder the mischief and mind games that would ensue they're so awful.

Character I most identify with:

Oh I'm not self aware enough for this one assign me a person if you wish! I've been made to take quiz things a few times and I believe my results from those have been taki, kuki, and furuta but I don't trust my reading comprehension skills, the quiz makers opinions, or my own answers enough to trust that.

Character I wish I could be:

If we're just talking abilities, Shikorae. If you mean "You literally have to become them", unfortunately how fun it would be to play their role comes hand in hand with trauma, Touma Higemaru perhaps. Bikakus are my favorite kind of Kagune, and he's a pretty blank slate. I could do a lot, anyone with more intrigue ends up dead or completely alone.

I had a lot of fun with this one.

[worldismyne]

Omg you have warrior u oc’s ?! Please tell me about them!

I've been in the fandom for a hot minute and a half, so I got a few and they break into two generations lmao.

1st Generation (2013-2014) Made for funsies.

2nd Generation (Present)​ Made for the future issue we're working on.

It's kinda hard to talk about the 2nd Gen ones without spoiling too much, so I'll just stick to stuff that's irrelevant or not covered in the draft??? They'll be at the bottom, so feel free to dip out of the post if you don't want spoilers.

With that said....

*Inhales*

Gen 1 OCs

Ophilia - Y'know how almost everyone had some fem unicorn/pegasus to ship with Hevvin lmao; uhh this one was mine. She's less of a character and more like a concept. I liked the idea of a counterpart to Hevvin's 'magical creature killing things on purpose' with a 'magical creature killing things on accident'. She's supposed to be a clydesdale like pegasus that was also poisonous to the touch. She was used to being hunted for her feathers, and was supposed to have long fur/hair. But like really hated humans because they wanted her magic to hurt each other; made no sense for her to have a human disguise, but eh. Also I was an inexpirienced artist, so I made her super skinny/tall like all my other drawings, but really she should have been BUFF. I never gave her a concrete personality and was too nervous to do anything other than use her as a dress-up doll for different outfits that would fit the aesthetic. In hindsight she doesn't really fit in the world (Aisha denounced pegasus existing, and Hevvin's human form is canonically from one of Leenan's lost spells soooooo) but I still like the idea of a character that was poisous to the touch. Ended up finding a VN series that scratched that itch, so I officially retired her. She did make a cameo in my fic Plain Gold Ring as one of the monsters Emet ran into on her adventures. This is what she'd look like if I made her now.

JD (Can't find his full name, my gut says Jasmine Diane???)- Made for my fic Plain Gold Ring as a travel campanion for Emet and Rhodri (because there's no one else in the comic their age lmao). I knew I wanted a 'neutral' party for them to talk to so they weren't always talking to each other. He's the youngest of seven brothers, I think he was 11??? (him and his brothers all were given girl names by their stubborn mom who thought naming the baby before birth would give her a girl). He's a very meek and gullible person and a grain farmer; the kind of kid Rhodri usually scams. A pushover toatie made sense for an added member to the squad, so I had Rhod drag him along and they made him do all the stuff they didn't want to do. He ended up being a fairly practical and chill person as the story progressed, whose biggest flaw was not speaking up. He used the adventure to step up in the world and act as a merchant (so he sells all the treasures and junk Emet finds overseas and doesn't like.) With the happily ever after being them forming an adventure/merchant guild. I seem to remember submitting him to the OG tumblr for review (I can't remember why) but he got artist approved!  I snuck him into the background of pg 28 of Ambrosia since we needed people in the streets according to the thumbs [that by no means makes him canon, it's more an easter egg than anything else]. I still really like him and the idea of his fam from a worldbuilding standpoint, though I have 0 plans for him. I may go back and revise Plain Gold Ring, if so, he'd get developed further.

Gen 2 OCs (Spoiler Reduced)

Belladonna Ashenburrow (sp?) Age 13 and a half

Biological daughter of Freya Ashenburrow and her 1st husband (supposedly), but not the oldest of Finn's cousins. She enjoys studying ediquette/customs of other cultures, making tea pastries and torturing her step sisters's tutors until they quit. Permenantly housebound, Bella is determined to get married first and be a celebrated nobel lady to spite her family (not that she's made any progress thus far). She is first in line to inherit the family home as the only descendent that is blood related to the Ashenburrows AND holds a noble title AND willing to marry any noble her family picks out. No one in the family is happy about this. Her mother and father are deceased and her step father is always away at work as a woodsman. She refers to everyone in her family by cutsey nickname versions of their names with exception of her grandfather (Papa) and her step father (Mother's Second husband). Her aunt and grandmother try to pretend she's not in the house. (She is LOOSELY inspired by the tale of Cinderella, in that she has step-sisters and an akward family)

Rosaline Ashenburrow Age 15

Technically the eldest of Finn's cousins, she entered the family through her father's second marriage (and as such is not a blood-realitive). Despite that, she was very close with her cursed step-mother and was her unofficial favorite child. Her favorite story from her step-mother was how marrying her father made it feel like the curse was gone, that true love isn't the first love you find, but the one you build through hard work. She wears Freya's old dresses to feel close to her again, though they are extremely dated. Still, she struggles with adapting to the expectations of noble ladies and often falls short of her aunt's expectations. Rose enjoys gardening and has an interest in white witchcraft, but is too scared to pursue it in the home given past events. She discovered of Leenan's existance after her suitor accidently triggered an old hex Leenan had left behind. (He got turned into a bear mid proposal; he's kinda stuck as a bear until further notice). She's inspired by Rose Red from "Snow White and Rose Red".

Clarice Ashenburrow Age 5

Fairytale rules state there's always 2 step sisters; so I thought it'd be interesting to have one be older and one be younger. When she talks, it's in test bubbles with layered crayon/pencil dialogue to replicate how young kids have rapid/repeating speech. She's extremely hyperactive and has grown up in the Ashenburrow home realively unsuppervised (she has Rose, but Rose gets busy with lessons and other things). She's quite the terror, but when she's older she'll focus her energy into playing piano instead of tearing the house apart. She also has a habit of biting people when she's upset. She doesn't remember her mother at all or Freya and often tries to get Senna and her grandmother's attention by missbehaving (it rarely works). I wouldn't say she's a brat, more like an unchecked ball of chaos. She actually adores her older sisters (and her cousin once they meet); but no one has time to play with her 🙁 Inspired by Bell's younger sister in Beauty and the Beast. Fun fact, the disney animation removed her character from the final draft of the movie to make Bell seem more isolated/lonely in town. 

I keep flipflopping on whether she should be Bella's step sister or half sister. Step sister would be more traditional and secure Bella's role as heir, buuut half sister would mean Rose could have been raised by Freya for longer and raise the stakes of competition in the house. Either way, she'd be treated the same in the issue she appears.

Senna Ashenburrow Age 37

Not technically an OC, but she doesn't really appear in the formspring or in WUPurgatory; so her personality was concocted by me and Coffee. She's Leenan's elder sister, and the fact Coffee calls her Finn's "wine aunt" makes me laugh because I associate her behavior with my boomer grandparents lmao. Definately a functional alcoholic though, but an ideal duchess (ediquette is on point, dresses immaculate, socialable with all the right people, etc.) She has a "close friend" *cough*wife*cough* whom she's been with since they were 22. She figured she could avoid the pressures of an arranged marriage by supporting one of her sisters; and in return get left alone. Freya seemed like the safer bet (unfortunately she had all girls!) and now is stuck training her nieces on how to care for the duchey. She's been pushing Rose to take control, because she thinks Rose would be inclined to let her do whatever she wants. Until then, she stuck waiting for her parents to pass, but they're stubborn and in good health. 

She HATES kids and is mostly taking care of them out of a sense of duty. She's not wicked/abusive, just emotionally constipated and uncomfortable around young people.

[osita-iza]

First Choice

Tanaka Ryūnosuke x Reader

Soulmate AU: You have a matching mark as your soulmate in the same place on your body, marking the link between the both of you.

Being Kiyoko's cousin comes with its own set of challenges. Everyone's eyes always drift to her. Just because it’s been having your whole life doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when you see Tanaka’s eyes drift to her too. 

“You weren’t sure what was worse: the pain of knowing him or the pain of not knowing him” 

Genre: Mix of fluff/angst

Word count: 12.2 k

A/N: I've only watched the anime, and I'm only on Season 3. Sorry if any of this goes against canon tooooo much.

You loved Kiyoko. Both your parents and hers were always busy running the family shop. She was the older one, and you called her your older sister more than your cousin. You wouldn't trade her for the world.

That being said, it wasn't long for you to realize there was a difference between the two of you.

The difference being Kiyoko was gorgeous, even by kid standards.

Her looks and maturity gathered admirers at the playground by the time she was in third grade. The boys in her class would race each other, proclaiming that the winner would be the one right for Kiyoko. She never gave them the kiss on the cheek they wanted, but she giggled with them, racing them herself.

You were six, and you didn't mind that Kiyoko got attention. You got to play with her, and her attention automatically meant that you both got to play with more friends. She was running laps around the playground with some boys in her class, an almost daily occurence. But this time, you had your own friend. He was seven, which made him a big deal in your class. And he chose to play with no one but you after school.

You were playing the wonderful game of 'dig a hole', talking about dinosaurs when you realized he had stopped digging. You looked up, seeing him stare at something with an open mouth. You furrowed your eyebrows, following his gaze. He was staring at Kiyoko. "Why are you looking at her?" you asked.

"She's really pretty!" he practically yelled.

You tilted your head. You knew that. You still didn't get why that meant he had to stare at her. Lost in thought, you missed Kiyoko and her friends walking over to the pair of you. "Hi, y/n." She smiled. "Sorry for leaving that long, the race took a long time."

"You know y/n?" your friend asked, and you giggled at how his eyes shined.

Kiyoko nodded. "She's my cousin. Are you a friend of hers?" He nodded excitedly. "Well, it's nice to meet you then," she said.

You stopped giggling when you realized your friend was ignoring you in favor for trying to talk to Kiyoko. You finally gave up, choosing to dig your hold by yourself until it got dark, when Kiyoko suggested you both go home.

It was after that day that you began to notice more differences. How your grandparents always gushed over her and pinched her cheeks. How they gave her fancy dresses and hair accessories. Your grandparents loved you, you knew that. But you didn't garner the same attention that Kiyoko did.

Even as a child, you knew it wasn't her fault. That it was a roll of dice of life that decided Kiyoko's fate of being pretty. She was far too nice for you to be mad at her.

But it made you press your hand against the back of your shoulder, where your soulmate mark resided. And you hoped and prayed with all the might that a six year old could muster up only one thing: That your soulmate would give you more attention than Kiyoko. That their eyes would drift and focus on you and you alone. That, for one second, you would get the spotlight that had always followed her.

                                                              =

Kiyoko leaned against the wall as she watched the boys practice. The squeaking shoes and shiny floors reeling her into a relaxed state after hoe much time she spent there. She was relaxed as she watched Tanaka land from his spike. Relaxed as he pulled off his shirt, far too used to this quirk of his to blush anymore. 

But her body tensed up as her eyes caught sight of the black mark that decorated the back of his shoulder. She had seen that sign before. 

She took baths with you as a kid for Christ’s sake. 

That was your mark. Everything was exactly the same. 

She didn’t explain why she dragged you to practice the next day. Kiyoko told the Coach that she didn’t like the idea of you walking home alone, but you knew she didn’t actually have a problem with it. But you loved Kiyoko, so you went along with it. 

You went along with it as she told you to stand against the wall and to focus on one player specifically, despite your protests of not wanting to be hit with a ball. But you listened and focused on the player with a buzzcut. You recognized him as Tanaka. He wasn’t in your class, but his energy was so big that you were pretty sure everyone in your year knew of him. You had laughed at some of his jokes in the cafeteria or as he walked down the hallways but had never talked to him. 

As you watched him run across the court, hitting spikes aggressively, you had to admit- he was handsome. You didn’t find many guys attractive, too scared to get your hopes up. But it was undeniable. The way he scrunched up his face when a spike was blocked was cute. His focused glare was hot, along with how he slammed his hand against the volleyball. 

Then, after finally hitting a spike and relishing in how its slam against the floor echoed across the gym, he ripped his shirt off. Your eyes immediately focused on the back of his shoulder. And you could feel your soulmate mark burn against your skin as you stared at his. 

Your eyes shot up to meet Kiyoko’s gaze, which was focused on you. With a burning chest, you walked over to her with wide eyes. “That’s why you asked me to-” 

“Yes, but we can talk about it later,” she whispered. Her eyes glancing over to where the boys continued playing before her eyes focused on you with a small smile. “It was really hard for me to not say anything though,” 

You sighed, biting your lip as you sat down. Now your eyes were following Tanaka without you meaning to. That was your mark; you knew it without a doubt. 

And that was how you noticed that, while you were looking at him, he was looking at your cousin. 

Ignoring the growing rocks in your gut proved to be a pointless feat as he looked to Kiyoko with a big smile on his face. You had gotten used to it; everybody’s eyes drifted to her. At the same time, there was a small part of you that wanted your soulmate to be different. The fact that he wasn’t different... 

You shook your head, as if to shake the thought out of your head. Finally, their practice ended. You helped them pick up the stray volleyballs, tossing them into the cart. “Hey, you’re Y/N, right?” 

“Yeah?” You looked up, breath catching in your throat as you made eye contact with him. 

“I’m Tanaka Ryu.” He smiled brightly as he tossed another volleyball towards you. You caught it, throwing it into the cart as he got ready to throw another one towards you. “We’re in the same year.” 

“Yeah, I’ve seen you around before,” you replied. You were acutely aware of each beat of your heart. God, how did your friends have a new crush every week? Maybe you should ask because you felt like you were going to die right now. 

“Why didn’t you talk to me then?” Tanaka tilted his head. 

He’s like a confused puppy. You rolled your eyes with a small smile as you grabbed the cart, ready to push it into the supply room. “Well, why didn’t you talk to me?” 

You expected him to go off with his friends, but he followed you as you walked. “You have a point,” he said, opening the door for you. You smiled at him as you pushed the cart to what looked like was the correct spot. “I guess I’ll have to talk to you more often.” 

“What? Why?” 

Tanaka smiled at you as he stepped back and out of the supply room. “Well you’re cute and nice. Why wouldn’t I want to talk to you?” 

You were alone in the room, surrounded by volleyball nets and practice jerseys, as your mind struggled to catch up with his words. “He’s really blunt,” you mumbled to yourself, still not sure if you were breathing, as you walked out of the supply room. 

Kiyoko smiled at you before waving to the team before walking out the gym with you. The pair of you got a couple of steps before you heard a loud yell, and you were sure of who was yelling. “Kiyoko! You forgot your jacket!” Tanaka shouted. You stopped as Kiyoko grabbed her jacket and thanked him. “I-it’s no problem, Kiyoko,” he said as his face turned rosy, “I didn’t want you to get cold.” 

He was blushing for her. She nodded at him before she grabbed your wrist, pulling you to keep walking home with her. 

A silence fell over the two of you as you walked before Kiyoko asked, “So, what do you think of him?” 

Tanaka was blunt, you answered to yourself, but he was also into Kiyoko. Instead you said, “I don’t know,” 

“You don’t know?” 

“He’s nice but...” The words caught in your throat. They would just make Kiyoko feel guilty. Finally you sighed, “I just don’t know if we’re compatible,” 

“Get to know him,” Kiyoko said, grabbing your shoulder. She had never been this insistent with you, and it made you feel worse for wanting to avoid him. “I’ve spent a lot of time with him, and I think you could really like him,” 

“I’ll try,” you said. 

“Good. Then you’re coming to practice again tomorrow.” You considered fighting Kiyoko on this, but the idea of seeing him again did excite you, so you just nodded along.

                                                              =

You were thirteen when you finally met someone that made your heartbeat speed up. Your best friend promised you over and over again that he must be as head over heels for you as you were for him. A small part of you believed her when, unprompted, he offered to walk you to the park on his way home, knowing that you went that way yourself. 

With wide eyes, your friend smiled and threw you a thumbs up before she ran off. Your hands were fidgety, continually messing with the straps of your backpack as you two talked. Your friend's words echoed in your mind as you began approaching the park’s picnic tables. Your chest hammered as you gained the courage to look at him. 

And just like when you were six, you noticed he was staring at something in front of you. After following his gaze, you saw Kiyoko... just like when you were six. 

Your gaze shifted over to him, and you could see the awe in his eyes. He never had that look when he looked at you. “I should get going. My cousin’s here,” you mumbled, breaking away from the stride you had with him. 

“That’s your cousin?” 

You glanced back at him, and the excitement was evident in his eyes and voice. Your intestines tangled up and fell to the bottom of your stomach as you stared at him. “Yeah.” 

“She’s really pretty,” he said. 

“Yeah... She is.” 

“What’s h-” 

“See you later,” you rushed out and walked away. 

Kiyoko grinned at you, standing up from the table, and she began walking home with you. “How was your day?” 

As you stared at her, you wished you could be mad at her. You wished that you could feel a white hot anger towards her. Find her soft and sleek voice annoying. Find her symmetrical face overrated. Find the way she kept her thoughts to herself aggravating. 

Instead, your gut just dropped five more levels. Kiyoko was Kiyoko, and you were you. And Kiyoko got more attention. This was just the way things were; that fact alone stabbed you in the heart over and over again. 

“It was good. I have to work on my book report today though,” you muttered. 

She nodded, walking with you to her house to wait for your parents to be done with work. You nodded along as she spoke, each word and step acting as another knife in your heart. 

                                                                = 

You became a regular at the volleyball practices. Ukai had accepted you as an unofficial assistant team manager to help Kiyoko and Yachi. The team accepted you in as well, always welcoming you and bringing you in on their activities. Kiyoko would argue that Tanaka was more welcoming and excited than the rest of the team; you would argue that he had the same amount of excitement that the rest of the team had. 

One thing you couldn’t argue that Tanaka was the one who spoke to the most now. You weren’t in the same class as him, but he would talk to you in the hallways and during breaks. You had to admit that Kiyoko was right- he was really nice. He was also funny, caring, and energetic. You both were a regular part of each other’s day. 

Except for this day. You had a case of food poisoning, so your parents insisted that you stay home for the day. Usually you were the one asking to stay home, but the one thing they disliked more than you staying home was leaving work in the middle of the day to pick you up from school. 

It was around noon- lunchtime- when your phone buzzed with a message. 

Unknown: Why aren’t you at school???

You furrowed your eyebrows before typing out a response. 

Y/N: Who is this? 

Unknown: Oh shit sorry! This is Tanaka I asked kiyoko for your number when I saw you weren’t at school 

Unknown: Hope that was okay!!! 

You rolled your eyes with a smile on your face. Of course Kiyoko gave him your number. 

Y/N: It’s fine don’t worry about it. I got food poisoning so my parents made me stay home :/ 

It took maybe two seconds for you to get an answer. 

Tanaka: I’m sorry! I hope you’re feeling better 

Tanaka: I can bring you the work you missed if you want me to? 

A warmth spread through your chest as you read his message a couple of times. It was such a simple thing to offer; something he would probably offer to do for all of his friends. Despite knowing that, your heart rate sped up at the idea that he cared about you. 

Y/N: If it’s not out of your way then I would really appreciate it. Don’t feel pressured though! 

Tanaka: Of course I will! What’s your address? 

Y/N: Just let me know when you’re on your way beforehand or else I might be passed out lol 

Y/N: Here’s my address... 

Why was this so exciting? He was just going to drop off a couple of worksheets. It wasn’t that big of a deal. 

Tanaka: Okay I’ll come by after schoo!! 

Y/N: Thank you again <3 

You groaned as soon as you hit send. You always sent hearts to your friends; it was a habit. Yet this made your stomach drop. You set an alarm for the end of school, trying not to think about why you were preparing to get ready for him. 

‘Why the hell did I send that damn heart?’ You rolled your eyes, pushing your face into your pillow to muffle your complaining. Tanaka wasn’t the type to overthink that kind of thing, but it still made you want to curl into a ball. 

You didn’t know that Tanaka was blushing at his lunch table as he stared at his phone screen. You didn’t know that he stuttered out an answer when Nishinoya teased him about it. But you also didn’t know that he had asked Kiyoko for your number weeks ago, and that he had been stressing over how to start a conversation with you for weeks and had jumped at the opportunity to finally message you today. 

Tanaka had no idea how you felt about him; something that he agonized over pretty much every night now.  However, whether or not you liked him right now, he was determined to make fall for him in the future.

It was with this plan in mind that he went to the convenience store and got all of the healthy food you should get when you're sick. It wasn't until he was walking to your home with the bag in hand that he began to question if this was a normal thing to do for someone that you had barely become friends with. Probably not. 

He exhaled through his teeth, stopping in front of your house to slap his face. It was too late to turn back now. He was already pushing it with Ukai by being late to practice. Plus, if he didn't give you this stuff now, he would've wasted his money. Tanaka knocked on your door, sticking his hands in his pockets as he waited for you to open the door. 

"I'm coming!" He heard you yell from the other side of the door before it opened. Your hair was pulled into a messy ponytail, strands escaping into the front of your face. There were bags under your eyes, and you were still dressed in your pajamas. 

Tanaka would've said you were the most beautiful person he ever saw in that moment. 

"Oh my god!I feel asleep. I'm so sorry," you rambled out, bowing your head for a moment before you saw the bag in his hand. "What's that?" 

He was pulled out of his focus on you, rubbing the back of his head as his cheeks warmed up. "Oh, I got you some stuff that I know helps me when I'm sick. I figured it might help since you were home alone." 

You tried to control your racing heart, before you smiled at him. "Thank you so much! You really didn't have to do that," you said. 

"Hey don't worry about it. I was just worried about you is all," he responded. 

You stared at him for a moment, not sure how to respond. He went to the store and bought stuff for you just because you were sick? How were you supposed to respond to this? You were just overwhelmed with the care he was willing to show you. 

"Um..." Tanaka spoke up. You winced; you took a little too long trying to thing of an answer. "Sorry, you caught me off guard. Please come inside," you said, stepping to the side and opening the door. It was when you felt the breeze from outside that you realized you were wearing a tank top- meaning your soulmate mark was exposed. 

"Thanks." He smiled at you, sliding his shoes off. Tanaka began setting down some of the convenience store items onto the table. There were plain crackers, bread, ginger ale, and water. You kept your front facing Tanaka as you closed the door behind him, crossing your arms and stepping sideways to face him across the table. 

"You bought me bread?" You raised your eyebrows as you picked up the loaf. 

Tanaka furrowed his eyebrows before he chuckled. "Uh... I was just thinking of stuff my sister told me is good to eat when I throw up- didn't really think about what you might actually not have." 

"Are you supposed to just eat straight bread?" Tanaka nodded. "I didn't know that. We have bread here though, so you can bring this to your house if you want,"

 "Okay," Tanaka cringed as you handed him back the bread.

But then you smiled back at him. "It's still a really sweet gesture though. Thank you so much, Tanaka," 

His entire body relaxed at your words, and a smile slotted onto his face. "Don't worry about it!" 

You reached over to your backpack and grabbed your wallet, taking special care to keep your front towards him. "How much did everything cost?" 

"No, you don't have to pay me back." 

"I feel bad." You frowned. Though you weren't sure if you felt bad because he paid or because hiding your soulmate mark at the moment made you feel like you were lying. It was one thing to not tell him when you had your uniform on; it was another to be aware of the dark mark resting on your shoulder and keep him from seeing it too. 

"Don't. It's my gift to you," he promised.

Him being nice was also not helping that guilt. 

It would be so easy to tell him the truth. You would just have to move your mouth into the correct motions and voice out the words 'I'm your soulmate'. You've been talking since you were a toddler. He was Tanaka. Yeah, maybe you wouldn't date, but you could be friends with him like you already were. 

Who knows maybe he would want to...

 As soon as your hope came up, so did the memory of him and Nishinoya running up Kiyoko, immediately crushing those hopes. You sighed at the thought, frown deepening.

 "Hey, are you okay?" Tanaka asked, going to step closer, looking you over for any signs of nausea.

 "I'm fine!" You tensed up as he came to your side, turning yourself and pushing your shoulder back slightly. You didn't miss the way he pressed his lips together, making the guilt sink deeper into your gut. "Are you sure I can't pay you back?"

Tanaka's eyes lit up, making you somewhat suspicious. "I don't need money-"

 "Okay..." 

"But I could use a tutor." 

"A tutor?" You squinted at him. 

"Yeah. I overheard the Coach say if we're not passing our finals we can't go to some training thing. Right now... Let's say that I wouldn't be able to go," he confessed with a laugh. 

If you spent more time with him, this guilt would probably get worse. The fact that he liked Kiyoko would hurt you more too. But if you didn't, well, you wouldn't get to spend time with him. 

You weren't sure what was worse: the pain of knowing him or the pain of not knowing him. You weren't sure if there was a real answer. 

"Please?" Tanaka asked, "I'll be a good student for you," He put his hands in a prayer motion and pouted his lips dramatically. 

And it's because you have no answer to your question and his pleading soft eyes that you said, "Of course I'll tutor you," 

Was there ever really a question of you accepting? You weren't sure if you knowing him would hurt you, but you knew hurting him would hurt you too much.

"Yes! Thank you so much!" Tanaka yelled, pulling you into a tight hug. You were frozen in his arms, just feeling his warmth, before he pulled back. "Sorry. But still thank you!" 

You smiled at him. "It's fine I just wasn't expecting it." He stared at your face, and you weren't sure what he was looking for. He opened his mouth to speak when your eyes widened. "Wait! You have practice today." 

"Oh, I told Nishinoya to tell Ukai that I was bringing your homework for you. Figured it would buy me some time," Tanaka replied. As if he was barely remembering his original reason for visiting, he reached into his bag and handed you a small stack of papers. "I should probably be heading out though," 

You bit your lip, watching him put his shoes on and reach for the door. "Thanks again, Tanaka," you called out. You cringed as your voice rang out a bit too loud than the small space between you two warranted. 

"Don't worry about it- really." Tanaka grinned. "Take care of yourself! Practice is boring without you," he said. With that, he shut the door behind him. 

You stared at the closed door for a moment, finally sitting down at the table with a sigh. Did your stomach feel weird because the bad chicken you ate was eating you up, or was it the guilt? This was too much. No, he was too much- affected you too much. 

Maybe soulmates do mean something. You always wondered if they were overrated- a tradition that didn’t mean anything. However, there was definitely a pull towards him you had never felt before. A pull that took over your whole body and mind. You couldn’t think clearly when he was there, but there was an emptiness that filled you up when he wasn’t there- maybe thinking clearly was overrated. 

As if on cue, Tanaka's voice yelling out to Kiyoko echoed in your head. That, having a boy fall for her in front of you, was something you had felt before. That was a feeling you were accustomed to; a feeling you swore you wouldn't deal with in a relationship. 

And you decided that that meant something too. 

                                                                =

You were five when your kindergarten teacher told your parents that she thought it would be a good idea for you to skip first grade. It took exactly a couple of hours for your parents to not so subtly brag about it at the family dinner that night.

You remember how your grandfather's eyes shifted over to you, and they shined as he smiled. "That's amazing, Y/n!" He cooed, reaching over the table to pinch your cheek, "You're so smart,"

The pinch of your cheeks didn't hurt. You weren't embarrassed as both your grandparents gushed about you. Instead, you smiled so hard it hurt your cheeks, looking down so your hair would cover your face.

How was Kiyoko able to deal with them doing this everyday? You couldn't look up the whole night, but you loved hearing them say your name so many times. That night, your grandmother pulled you aside, praising you and telling you to keep working hard.

It was after that day that you began working harder in school. That decision that led to you getting an ounce of your extended family's attention.

As you got older, you got less attention for your intelligence from them. However, your parents always complimented you when you brought back a good test score- no matter how many times you brought back an 'A' before.

You didn't mention your grades to anyone, but you did sometimes leave the rally good assignments or tests out at the dining table when you knew one of your grandparents would come over.

And it still felt nice when your grandma would gasp at the paper and gush about how she had "such a smart grandchild", smiling at you the entire time.

                                                             =

You sat in the back of the library, body hunched over the math test that was handed back the class before and breathing in the scent of old paper. Tanaka had agreed to meet up with you for a study session during lunch. You knew you should be reviewing the material you knew he would have questions on, but you were too preoccupied with the score on the top of you math quiz to focus at that moment.

65

You got a freaking 65.

It was only one quiz. Your teacher let you do retakes, and you knew she would help you review beforehand. Even if you bombed the retake too, you were pretty much guaranteed to get an A for this semester based off of your past tests.

You knew all that, but the tears still burned in the corner of your eyes and throat. You had stayed up late so many nights working on this unit. And you were still only a couple points away from failing. Struggling in itself wasn't exactly rare for you, but struggling at this level was.

"Hey, Y/N! Sorry I'm late, I stopped by the vending machine for some snacks-"

You looked up, quickly rubbing at the tears on your face. "Oh, hi. Thanks," you mumbled.

He frowned and practically ran to the seat next to you. "Hey," Tanaka said, "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," you answered, pulling out the papers you had worked on with Tanaka last time intentionally covering the math test. "I'm just being dramatic. We should focus on your studies."

"How am I supposed to focus on studying when I just saw a girl crying?" He dragged out, "I'm a gentleman, Y/N,"

You rolled your eyes. "Tanaka..."

"Seriously-" One of his arms shifted to the back of your chair, ghosting over the back of your neck, and he leaned in closer, "You can tell what's wrong. Even if it's not a big deal, it's bothering you,"

Tanaka's strong gaze was completely focused on you. Despite it just being the two of you in the back of the library, it felt like a hundred people were staring, even though it was only him. You opened your mouth, ready to deflect again, when he tilted his head a few degrees to the side; his gaze never leaving yours.

As if that action alone was the key of your heart, you relented. You grabbed at the edge of your math test, pulling on the page to place it at the top of the stack. You didn't look up to meet his eyes again, but you could feel his gaze burning into you. His hand entered your gaze to reach for the paper, pulling it closer to him, so he could get a better look at it.

"I'm sorry. I know how much work you put in," he muttered. Those words crumbled the walls you had been trying to keep up, and you covered your mouth to keep the volume from echoing in the silent library. The hand that was on the back of your chair lowered to grip your shoulder tightly. "Hey, it's okay,"

"It's just-" You sighed, never putting these feelings into words before. "I'm supposed to be the smart one, ya know?"

"No, I don't know." He let out a chuckle as the crease between his eyebrows deepened.

You took a deep breath. This was something that you had never told anyone before, and it felt like you were exposing everything that encompassed your soul to voice it out loud. "Me and Kiyoko are practically sisters. When we were younger, if we weren't in school, we were with each other. Even as kids, everyone knew that Kiyoko was pretty. At Halloween, the kids would always give her the best candy when we traded. Everyone wanted to be her friend. My grandparents gave her so much attention, and so did everyone in the world," you rambled out. You glanced at Tanaka, and he nodded for you to continue. "And then I got to skip a grade in school, and suddenly people paid attention to me. I remember my grandma took me aside when she found out and she told me-" You leaned closer to Tanaka, looking him in the eye. "-You're smart. If you work hard, you could make anyone listen to you. They won't have a choice but to at least listen to you,"

Even though you were still emotional, you couldn't stop the smile on your face as you thought of her words. You sighed, feeling nauseous. "I know that failing a math test doesn't mean I'm not smart. I know grades don't really measure that but-" The tears were coming back again. "There's a part of me that is... terrified that if I'm not the smartest one in the room, no one will have a reason to listen to me anymore,"

"I'm..." Tanaka's mouth opened before closing for a couple of moments. "I've never had a class with you, but I knew you were smart the second I met you,"

"What?" You furrowed your eyebrows.

"Everyone can see that you're smart just by you existing. Hell, me, and everyone, can see how amazing you are just by you existing," Tanaka said. His eyes darted around the room, looking everywhere but you. "You don't have to prove yourself to anyone. People that are worth it will listen to you anyways,"

You believed every word he said. Tanaka was able to tell the voices in the back of your head to just shut up, even if it was just for a minute, you had to admit that it felt nice. "Thanks."

Tanaka smiled at your acceptance. His already crimson cheeks somehow turned redder before he spoke, "Plus, you're really pretty too," he whispered, as if he was afraid of you hearing him, despite saying it to you directly.

You became aware of his hand that was still resting on your shoulder, and you realized it was resting right on your soulmate mark. This was wrong.

His eyes drifted down to your mouth, and that was all it took for your heart to begin racing. You leaned in closer without realizing it, and Tanaka mirrored your actions. His breath fanned over your lips; all it would take was angling your head for your mouth to meet his. A small angle, and you could finally experience what you had imagined so much at night ever since you met him.

This was wrong.

You leaned back a bit, just enough so you couldn't feel his breath anymore. His closeness was making your mind haywire, but you refused to leave his close embrace. "I should tell you something."

This was wrong. This wasn't right if he didn't know.

Tanaka raised his eyebrows, waiting for you to continue. You opened your mouth to speak when footsteps coming closer caught your attention. The incoming person's presence pushed the two of you away. His arm abandoned your shoulder as you both began staring at the papers in front of you.

The first-year ignored the pair of you, instead focused on the shelves. They mumbled to themselves for a moment before grabbing a book and walking back towards the front of the library, completely oblivious of the moment they walked into.

You sighed, realizing what you were about to tell him. Him finding you smart and pretty didn't mean he liked you. It meant he was a nice person. It meant he was one of your friends; any of your friends would have said the exact same things. Just because it felt different didn't mean he meant it any different.

"What were you going to tell me?" Tanaka asked, turning to you with still burning cheeks.

You wondered if he did mean it any different. None of your friends would have leaned in to kiss you. But none of your friends was as open about wanting a girlfriend as he was.

"I don't remember." You forced a laugh, and both of you knew it was fake. You grabbed your pencil before looking at him. "What did you want to go over?"

Tanaka stared at you for a moment or two before a frown settled on his face. You wanted to make it disappear, but you were utterly lost on how. He reached for a spare piece of paper. "Uh... I was confused on the second section a bit." " That stiff tension didn't leave until lunch ended. You went to class, and Tanaka usually walked with you between classes. You noticed that he wasn't there that time, and you tried to convince yourself that it didn't bother you.

"Y/N!" you heard someone yell, and you smiled as soon as you recognized the voice. He stopped next to you with a dramatic sigh. "You didn't wait for me! I had to run!"

"I'm sorry. I thought you were busy with something," you said, pressing your notebooks against your chest as it hammered. "I'll wait longer next time, okay?"

He stared at you for a moment with a bright smile. "I'm counting on it!"

If it was anyone else, you would've rolled your eyes at their yelling. Since it was him, you couldn't stop smiling. You both acted the same, but you felt different. Instead your soulmate mark seemed to burn with every word you spoke to him. It really did hurt to talk to him, but you couldn't imagine not talking to him.

                                                            = 

You grabbed your bag and stood next to the gym doors, waiting for Kiyoko to get back from the storage closet. Hinata and Kageyama’s shoes squeaked against the shiny gym floor as they continued practice, while the rest of the boys were packing up. Nishinoya yelled from one of the corners where they kept their gym bags were, "Y/N! We need a girl's opinion,"

"What are you talking about?" You asked, stepping closer to where Nishinoya, Tanaka, and Sugawara were sitting.

"Do you think soulmates are a big deal?" Nishinoya asked.

You rose your eyebrows, trying to ignore the nausea that grew in the pit of your stomach. "What do you mean by big deal?"

"Like do you believe that being someone's soulmate means you're meant to be?" Suga clarified as he zipped up his gym bag.

"I think being someone's soulmate just means that you and them will always have a deep connection. I don't think it means you have to be with them in a romantic way," you said, purposely avoiding Tanaka's eyes, "I wouldn't want them to date me just because I'm their soulmate,"

Suga glanced over at Tanaka for a moment before asking, "So if you were in a relationship and then met your soulmate, would you break up with them?"

"I don't know," you shrugged, "I don't think so. It would take a lot for me to open up to someone in order to date them, so it would take a lot for me to break up with them just because I met another person,"

"Even if the other person was your soulmate?" Tanaka asked.

You looked over at him and noticed how his lips were drawn in a tight line. "Well... even if someone is my soulmate, they're still a new person to me. If I met my soulmate and we immediately started dating, I'd also wonder if they're with me only because I'm their soulmate. I'd rather be with someone I know and trust than drop someone just because I was born with a birthmark," You squinted as Tanaka nodded. What the hell was going on with him?

"That's what I was saying!" Nishinoya said, clapping the back of your shoulder, and you tensed up as his hand made contact over your soulmate mark. "I was telling that to Tanaka!"

Suga smiled turning to Tanaka. "See? A lot of people date non-soulmates now. They even choose those relationships over their soulmates sometimes."

"Yeah, I know you're right," Tanaka nodded and turned towards Suga, "I don't know. Everyone in my family married their soulmates. One of my aunts even left a guy she dated for years because she met hers, so I'd hate to get to know someone only for them to choose their soulmate over me,"

"Wait-" Your voice made Tanaka turn back towards you, and his eyes widened as if he forgot you were there. "-Are you into someone, Ryu?"

"I... uh..." Tanaka stumbled, and Nishinoya chuckled from your side.

So that's a yes.

You forced a small smile on your face. "Whoever it is, you should ask them. Anybody would be lucky to date you," you said, "Plus, my parents aren't soulmates, and they're still married,"

"So you would date someone that's not your soulmate?" He asked.

You nodded, refusing to say the words you actually wanted to verbalize. "Of course. Especially because I would never date someone just because they're my soulmate. If I loved someone, I wouldn't leave them for anyone," you said, "I just want my soulmate in my life; it doesn't matter how they're in it,"

"You're talking as if you've met your soulmate," Suga said. You tensed up, acutely aware of the fabric of your shirt rubbing against your mark.

Kiyoko walked up, throwing her backpack onto her shoulders. "Are you ready to leave, Y/N?"

"Yeah, I'm ready," you rushed out, your body relaxing as you turned towards Kiyoko. "I'll see you guys later!"

Sugawara and Nishinoya waved, and Tanaka nodded bye at you. You crossed your arms as you began walking home with Kiyoko. "Are you okay? You seem tense," she said.

"I'm fine, just tired," you smiled at her for a second before you looked forward again. She definitely didn't believe you, and you knew that. Despite that, she didn't press forward instead walking forward with you in silence.

Tanaka liked someone else, to the point where he was talking about it with the team. You knew Tanaka. Once he was set on something, he wouldn't stop, so you knew it was only a matter of time before he asked her out.

What if it was Kiyoko? Actually, you were pretty sure it was Kiyoko. That would suck. You hated the idea, but you were still hopeful he'd listen to you. All you wanted was him to be happy and in your life.

Because you had made a decision, it hurt a lot more to not know him.

                                                            = 

"So you've been hanging out with Tanaka a lot lately," your best friend, Rika, said as she grabbed a chip from the bag you were both sharing. You and her were sitting at a table that was outside on school grounds. It was one of the few times you weren't shadowing the volleyball practice, instead choosing to spend time with Rika and work on your English project together.

You rolled your eyes, a smirk on your face betraying your true feelings. "Yes... We are spending some time together."

Rika froze tracing the pencil marks on your posterboard to look up and raise her eyebrows at you. "Is that it? Just spending time together?"

"What exactly are you fishing for?" You chuckled as you grabbed another marker.

"Oh, don't play dumb with me!" She shouted, laughing the entire time.

"I'm not playing," you snapped back with a smile, "Please tell me what you're implying,"

You took your eraser and began working at some of the pencil marks Rika had already traced over. She pouted from the other side of the table. "Fine. Just tell me how many times you guys have slept together."

You reached over the table to hit her on the arm, making her cackle. "We haven't done anything for your information!"

"Okay, how many makeout sessions then." She shrugged with a Cheshire cat grin.

"We're just friends."

"Oooookay." Rika rolled her eyes. "You do not look at your friends like that. And if you do look at your friends like that, I am very offended that I do not also get those loving and longing looks, and I want my apology right now."

You smiled before sighing. "You're gonna be mad at me, but you have to promise that you wont' utter a word of this to anyone," you said, leaning forward on your elbows.

"Of course," she said.

"So sometimes Tanaka will take off his shirt during practice when he does something really good," you muttered, "I've seen his soulmate mark... He's my soulmate,"

Rika smiled and looked like she was about to jump up and down. "Oh my god! That's amaz-"

"I haven't told him yet."

Her face immediately dropped as you finished your sentence. "What the hell? Why wouldn't you tell him?"

"I think he likes Kiyoko."

"I love you so much Y/N," she said with a shake of her head, "But god damn... You think that every person on the planet has fallen head over heels for Kiyoko!"

You frowned and shook your head. "Him and his friend literally flirt with her all the time during practice and games."

"I've literally told you that you're so hot I want you to get me pregnant," Rika deadpanned, "But trust me, I see you as nothing other than a friend,"

You chuckled. "I know, but it's different because we both know there's no chance of anything like that happening."

"Maybe him and Kiyoko both know that there's no chance of anything romantic happening between them too," Rika suggested. She grabbed another marker and began filling in some of the drawings on the corner of the poster.

A gust of wind came, and you put your hand on the poster to keep it from flying away. "I get what you're saying," you muttered, "I don't know... I've seen how he talks to her,"

"And I've seen how he talks with you," Rika retorted, "Besides soulmates are a big deal. He's not just your soulmate; you're his,"

Guilt exploded in your stomach at her words. "He did tell me all the couples in his family are soulmates," you muttered. Even if he was considering asking someone who wasn't his soulmate out, you knew that it must be a big deal if he was having discussions with the team about it.

Your parents weren't soulmates, but you watched movies- you knew that soulmates were a big deal. It was a big piece of information, and you knew you were wrong to not tell him.

"I don't know why I can't just tell him," you muttered.

"I know," Rika gave you a small smile, "But the longer you don't tell him the worse it's gonna blow up in your face. And the worse it's gonna hurt him,"

"I should tell him," you sighed.

Rika nodded. "You should tell him."

Just as she finished, Tanaka came into view, still in his gym clothes and sweat rolling down his face. "Hey!" He practically yelled as he stood next to the table. "Are you ready to go or do you need more time to..."

"We're good," you rushed out with a smile. You turned to Rika, and the smug look on her face made you instantly regret it.

She smiled. "Pretty excited?"

"It's a tutoring session," you answered.

"Sure," she deadpanned with a smile, "Wanna meet up during lunch tomorrow to finish this up?"

"Sounds like a plan," you replied grabbing your bag and standing up, "Bye,"

"Bye!" Rika called back before winking, "Be safe!"

Your heart went into overdrive as you understood the real meaning of her words. You sent her a pointed look before Tanaka replied, "Be safe too!"

He's so innocent, you thought with a shake of your head before you both began walking to his house.

                                                             =

Your body felt light as you walked to the gym, smiling when you heard the distinctive squeaks of shoes and huffing of the players. The floor was shiny and smelled of lemon from the janitor's cleaning of it over the weekend. Practice hadn't officially started yet, but some of the boys were already warming up. Ukai was muttering to himself and making notes on his clipboard.

Tanaka stopped stretching for a moment to walk over to you with a smile. "Hey, Y/N. I didn't see you at lunch today."

"I was working on an essay. My teacher offered to give me feedback before I turn it in, but I had to give it to him today," you said.

"You didn't eat lunch, did you?" Kiyoko's voice cut through, and you tensed up as you turned to her with a small smile.

"No, I ran out of time before I could," you muttered. To anyone else looking at Kiyoko, they would think she was stoic. To you, you noticed how her eyes squinted and her jaw clenched just a minuscule.

She let out a breath. "It's not healthy."

"I know, don't worry," you said, "I'm fine,"

"You've been skipping meals in order to study a lot lately, haven't you?" Kiyoko asked.

Tanaka raised his eyebrows. "Is that true?"

"I've been busy with school this week," you defended, looking between the two of them, "I'm fine, really,"

Kiyoko tsked before walking over to her gym bag. Tanaka cleared his throat, making you focus on him. "You really shouldn't skip meals. It's not healthy. You're gonna burn yourself out," he said with a frown.

"I'm sorry," you replied with a tight smile, "I honestly didn't even realize I was doing it,"

Kiyoko showed up at your side with a bento box and a pair of chopsticks before shoving the items into your hands. Your eyes got wide and sparkled. You weren't paying attention, but Tanaka smiled at your reaction as his own eyes softened.

"Is this your special bento?" You asked, and Tanaka's heart lifted at the wonder in your voice. Kiyoko simply nodded. You threw your arms around her. "Thank you, Shimmie!"

"Shimmie?" Daichi asked as he took a sip of water.

Kiyoko pulled back and placed her hands on your shoulders. You smiled at her as she led you over to the gym doors. You asked, "What are you-"

Without a word, she pushed you out of the gym. "Skipping meals is not a good habit. You can come back in after you have completely emptied that box," she said before shutting the door.

You stared at the door with your jaw dropped before you shouted with a giggle, "You're a bully, Shimizu!"

Inside the gym, Tanaka glanced at her as she zipped up her bag. "Don't you think that's a little harsh?"

She glanced up at him, staring at him for a moment with a stoic face. "Y/N does this every year. If she stayed in here, she'd probably get distracted and forget to eat again," she said as she stepped closer to him. She sent Tanaka a pointed look, but he wasn't sure what it actually meant. "She's smart, but she doesn't take hints well. You have to be blunt with her sometimes to get what you mean,"

"Uh... yeah," he muttered with furrowed eyebrows.

She looked at him for another moment before Ukai called to her.

Meanwhile, you were sitting in front of the gym, eating the bento box Kiyoko made for you- full of your favorite things. She made it for you every finals week. She must've been really worried about you if she was making it right now.

When Tanaka's eyes drifted to you later in practice, now with an empty bento box, he saw how your smile seemed brighter. He took a sip of water and overheard you thanking Kiyoko and promising to take better care of yourself. He couldn't hear Kiyoko's response, but it made you giggle, and Tanaka felt the same excitement you get as you hit the drop on a roller coaster.

As if you could feel his gaze on you, you looked over at him from across the gym before smiling. He smiled back widely, feeling the heat on his cheeks. He had crushes before, and he was always afraid of looking dumb in front of them. But he didn't care if he looked dumb as his smile got wider. You furrowed your eyebrows at the gesture, still keeping your smile as you mouthed, 'What?'.

Tanaka shook his head with that dumb smile; his heart forcing him to break the gaze and look at his bag. Daichi cleared his throat as he put away his own water bottle, making the second-year look over. "It's none of my business, but I'm pretty sure she likes you too."

"I-I don't know what you're-"

"Of course you don't," Daichi interrupted with a chuckle as he stood up, "But I think it'd be really dumb of you to not tell her soon. Heard some third-year has his eyes on her,"

"Really?" Tanaka asked with wide eyes, following the captain back onto court.

Daichi smirked and glanced over his shoulder at Tanaka. "No, but your reaction shows that you can't handle the idea of someone else."

He walked away as Tanaka froze before glaring at him. "Hey, that's mean!" Daichi shrugged at the accusation as Ukai started the next drill. 

Tanaka realized his eyes were always drifting to you, and he realized Daichi was right. He wasn’t sure if you did reciprocate his feelings, this pull towards him, but he knew he couldn’t handle you being with someone else. Not if he could stop it. 

Not if you could be with him. 

                                                                =

You sighed as you stepped off the bus, stretching your legs immediately. You enjoyed going to their games, but the ride over always killed you. You grabbed your overshirt with Karasuno's colors on it, fanning it, and sighed as cool air began to hit you.

"Hey," Tanaka's deep voice pulled you out of your moment, "I have something to tell you," Your hand holding onto your shirt froze. Tanaka looked down at your shoes and groaned. "Man, this is really hard to get out."

You sighed and crossed your arms, feeling your intestines tangle up. You had no idea what he wanted to say, but you felt guilty every time you looked at him. It wasn't right. "I have something to tell you too," you said, voice croaking through your dry mouth.

He furrowed his eyebrows, finally getting the courage to look up at you. He opened his mouth to speak when Ukai cleared his throat, getting the team's attention. As he began listing the time of the game and other details, Tanaka whispered to you, "After the game, yeah?"

You looked at him, focusing on how his jaw was clenched. "Yeah, that's fine," you muttered.

You were tense the entire game as you watched with Yachi and Saeko. Yet you were still cheering with them. Watching Tanaka now reminded you of the first time you met him. Even as someone who had never played the game, you could tell that his technique was improving, and it made your heart light up as you remembered all of his ramblings about practice.

He was working so hard, and it made you proud that it was showing.

The crowd around you cheered as Tanaka hit another spike perfectly. He glanced up at you with a grin. You smiled back at him with a thumbs up before an elbow hit your side.

You whined as you looked up at Saeko's Cheshire cat grin, "I saw that."

"I don't know what you're talking about," you muttered, avoiding her gaze and focusing back on the game.

"Oh, please." Saeko rolled her eyes with a loud sigh. "I've seen your guys'study dates." She put air quotes around study.

"We do study," you retorted.

"You also flirt the entire time," she chuckled before she looked over at you, "Don't worry. I think you're good for him,"

Your head whipped over to look at her before you could even question about how that action would look. "You think so?"

Her eyes softened as she shook her head with the same smile. "Yeah, I do." Before you could question her further, the boys scored another point, making Saeko jump up and clap loudly.

Your eyes focused back on the game. Your legs bouncing as you sat on the bleachers. It was match point, and you could feel their confidence as the referee blew her whistle.

Although it took a few minutes for them to score the point, it felt like a couple of seconds. You yelled cheers with Yachi and Saeko, about to stand up when you felt something cold and wet run down your back. "Oh my god," you flinched, turning around to see a five year old fallen over the bleacher behind you, his soda cup open.

Your overshirt began to feel sticky as the soda seeped into the fabric. His mother grabbed his hand to pull him back to his feet. "I'm so sorry," she said, "He got excited when they won and tripped and-"

"It's fine," you replied, pulling your overshirt off, "I'm wearing something underneath. It was an accident,"

The mother gave you a relieved smile before she tugged on her son's hand. "Apologize to her."

He looked up at you with a deep frown as he squeezed his cup. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," you smiled, "I know you didn't mean to," You turned to Yachi. "I'm going to the bathroom to rinse this off. I'll meet up with you and the team later, okay?"

Yachi's eyes widened, too consumed with the win to even notice the interaction. "Yeah, I'll let them know."

You thanked her as you walked away, trying to remember your way to the bathroom. You sighed as you went into the bathroom; it was full of people using the bathroom after the game. You turned on the faucet, running it underneath the cold water.

Meanwhile, Tanaka was cheering with Nishinoya and Hinata. He looked around for you- the adrenaline coursing through his veins making him want to pull you close. He felt like he was on top of the world. He felt like the kind of guy that could look you in the eye and confess.

"Where's Y/N?" he asked as Saeko hugged him.

Yachi rose her hand to get his attention. "She went to the bathroom. A kid spilled his drink on her so she had to wash her shirt."

Nishinoya hit Tanaka's arm. His eyes glowed. "Dude! You should go and give her your jacket!"

"Give her my jacket?"

"Yeah!" Nishinoya was practically jumping as he explained his idea. "You give her something of yours to protect her from the cold. And while she's thanking you- Boom! You ask her out!"

Saeko rolled her eyes as she listened to the boys, but Tanaka's smile just got wider. "You're a genius!"

"I know," Nishinoya shrugged his shoulders.

Tanaka looked at Yachi. "Where are the bathrooms?" She muttered out directions, and he was off. He sprinted towards the bathroom, panting as he stopped nearby, barely missing the line of women waiting outside. He was bouncing as he waited.

Then you stepped out of the bathroom, squeezing some of the spare water out of your shirt. Your hair was pulled up, and you were left in your tank top. Tanaka smiled at the sight of you, still not used to you dressed in casual clothing. You stood in the hallway, looking around as you tried to remember the way back to the bus, and he stepped closer towards you. You turned to walk forward, turning your back to Tanaka.

His mind went blank as he stared at the mark etched onto the back of your shoulder. Tanaka couldn't think at all; his feet moved forward. He reached out and touched your shoulder, making you jump and turn around.

You relaxed as you met his gaze, a smile appearing on your face. "You scared me," you laughed, "Couldn't wait ten minutes for me to get to the bus?"

"I heard your shirt got messed up. Here's a jacket, so you can cover up," he mumbled.

"Thanks," you said as you grabbed the jacket, pulling it on quickly. You furrowed your eyebrows at his facial expression. "Hey! You should be smiling. You just won a game!"

"Yeah..." he muttered.

You squinted at him. You grabbed his wrist, pulling him out of the crowded hallway and towards the wall. He followed you without protest. "What's wro-"

"You're my soulmate."

Your blood ran cold at his words. "I can ex-"

A bright smile appeared on his face. "We're soulmates!" he yelled, catching some of the strangers around you to glance over at the pair of you.

You smiled back and rolled your eyes as he began bouncing with excitement. You reached out to his hand to pull him back towards the wall, clearing the way for people walking in the hallway. "Tanaka, calm down, you're making people look over."

"Let them look!" he retorted with a smile before he furrowed his eyebrows, "This is amazing! This is a big deal! How are you not freaking out right now?"

The small smile you had on your face vanished. You sighed as your stomach began twisting itself. "Um..."

"What?" he asked.

You knew he would probably move on if you didn't mention it. He would probably believe you too. You could move on, and he would never have to find out. However, the guilt was already overwhelming you as you thought about it.

"I already knew."

His eyes widened, staring at you. "You already knew?" You nodded. "How long?"

You pressed your lips together. His stoic expression wasn't doing anything to calm you down. "Since the first practice I visited."

"That was months ago!" Tanaka said. His frown deepening as he scoffed.

"I know," you said.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.

You sighed. Tears were burning in the corner of your eyes as you shook your head. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" he repeated, drawing out the words.

"I'm sorry," you said, voice choking up. "I should have told you sooner. I was going to tell you today, believe me. It's what I was going to tell you-"

"I-I-" Tanaka sighed, looking away from you. "I need some time."

"Tanaka-" You reached for his hand, but he pulled it out of your reach. You sighed, crossing your arms as the crowd in the hallway passed around you. You stepped into the hallway, tears burning as you walked back towards the bus.

Yachi smiled brightly at you. "Isn't that Tanaka's jacket?"

You glanced down at it, pulling the fabric around you tighter. "Yeah, it is." You looked over as Nishinoya's laugh, catching sight of Tanaka. His face was stoic as he listened to the boys talking to each other. Yachi spoke up again, "Hey, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," you blurted out. Yachi nodded, but you knew that she didn't believe you. You sat next to her on the bus, and you listened as she rambled about her ideas for the next fundraising poster.

You kept glancing over at Tanaka, who was sitting with Nishinoya a few rows in front of you. Even from that distance, you could tell that he was still upset. Knowing that you were the reason he was upset made you want to burst into tears.

Which is exactly what you did when you got home and laid in bed.                                                              = To say you were miserable over the weekend would be an understatement. You texted Tanaka an apology, but he didn't respond.

The radio silence was killing you the most. Every time you were upset that he would never love you the same way, you would tell yourself that he would at least be in your life. That losing him entirely would be worse than him not loving you.

And here you were- losing him entirely.

Kiyoko definitely noticed the change. She had asked you multiple times what was wrong but didn't manage to get any information out of you. Kiyoko was a protective person, and you didn't want your hurt feelings to make her have any animosity towards Tanaka. Mostly because you did know that it was your fault.

You were both excited and terrified at the idea of going back to school when Monday came around. The thought of seeing him, even if it was just a glance, seemed like a saving grace. This was the longest you'd ever gone without talking to him since you met, and you felt like you needed to see him in order to calm down your mind. However, you had a gut feeling that he was still upset. And the idea of him turning down talking to you felt like it would break you in half.

He was the first, and only, person you had ever opened up to you on such a personal level. The fact that he felt betrayed by you hurt you to your core.

Monday, you were broken in half. You didn't realize how much you were used to walking to classes with him until you watched him walk in the hallways with his own classmates. You skipped going to practice that day, telling Kiyoko that you had to study for an upcoming test.

Tuesday, you felt like someone was trying to tear your heart out of your chest. There was a dull ache in your body as you walked to class, glancing at him for as long as you could before going inside your classroom. It had now been four days since you last talked to him- four days of crying and hating yourself. So you decided to try to go to practice and talk to him before or afterwards. Your hands were shaking as you walked to the gym. You pushed the gym door open slowly. It was weird to be this anxious stepping inside when you've spent countless hours in here. You looked around when you saw Kiyoko and Tanaka talking to each other. You clenched your hands into fists until your nails were digging into your skin, hoping that the small amount of pain would keep you from crying yet again. Assuming Tanaka's feelings was what had gotten you into this mess, but you couldn't help it as he stepped closer to her. "Hey," Hinata practically yelled, "I didn't see you yesterday! I'm happy to se-"

"Can you tell Kiyoko that my parents wanted help with the shop, so I'm leaving early today?" you asked.

He froze, before nodding with a frown. "Yeah, I can. Make sure to drop by soon though!"

"I will!" you called back, already turning around for the door. You didn't see how Tanaka's head shifted over to you at your voice.

Kiyoko cleared her throat to get his attention again. "I don't know what happened with you two, but my cousin has been miserable for the past couple of days. You have too. Whatever happened, make sure you fix it."

Wednesday, you were a ball made out of anxiety and nausea. After you got home and cried until you had a piercing headache, you decided that it was you that hurt Tanaka, which meant that it was your responsibility to apologize and explain. You stopped him as he was going to lunch, grabbing his wrist the same way you did that day after the game. His eyes widened as he looked at you. "Y/N-"

"Please just let me explain," you said, ignoring the confused looks Suga and Nishinoya were sending each other as you two talked to each other.

"I-" Tanaka sighed and clenched his jaw before letting out a deep sigh, "I can't."

Your hand dropped, falling to your side. "What do you mean?"

"It's a big deal," Tanaka said, frown deepening as he saw your eyes begin to shine. "I need some more time before I..."

He didn't finish his sentence, and you didn't ask him to. Instead, he turned around and walked to lunch with his friends, dodging their questions. You went into the bathroom and wiped at your face, taking a deep breath to calm down the overwhelming pressure to hyperventilate.

Thursday, you were more frustrated than anything else. You understood Tanaka better than you understood yourself. When you saw him in the hallways, he wasn't smiling like he used to; you were lucky if you saw a smile from him at all. Kiyoko had casually (but you knew she did it intentionally) mentioned to you that Tanaka was more aggressive than usual in practice. You weren't sure if he was as miserable as you were, but you knew that he was hurting just the same.

Tanaka was sitting at a table in the courtyard with Nishinoya, Hinata, and Kageyama during lunch. You took a deep breath as you walked across the lawn towards the table. Hinata and Nishinoya kept talking, but you could feel Kageyama's eyes on you as you stood next to where Tanaka was sitting. "Y/N-" Tanaka started.

"Is this silent treatment making you feel better?" you asked. You took deep breaths in order to try to keep your emotions in check enough to talk.

Tanaka furrowed his eyebrows. "What?"

"If it is, I'll leave you alone till you want to talk to me," you said, "If not, then please let me talk to you,"

Tanaka stared at you for a moment before he stood up. "I'll be back," he muttered to his friends before he walked past you and towards the school. You followed him into an empty hallway. You leaned against one of the walls as he stood in front of you. It was silent for a couple of moments before he spoke up, "So what do you have to say?"

You had always heard some people say that Tanaka was scary, and you didn't understand that until now. You didn't think he was scary, but his anger was definitely intimidating as he stood in front of you.

With a deep breath, you said, "I'm sorry. I should've told you sooner. I should have told you the second I found out. It wasn't fair, and you had a right to know."

"What was the plan? Were you just going to move on and let me think I never met my soulmate?" he asked. His eyes were rich with anger and hurt.

"I kept meaning to tell you, but I chickened out every time." You shook your head. "I was planning on telling you after the game that day. That's what I was talking about when I said I had something to talk to you about. I didn't mean to keep it to myself for as long as I did,"

Tanaka stared at your face for a moment before he sighed; his shoulders relaxing as he did. "Did you want someone else as your soulmate?"

Your eyes widened, and words fell from your mouth without thinking. "No. No. No. I never wanted that. I'm glad you're my soulmate."

"Then why didn't you tell me?" he exclaimed, hurt highlighting every word.

"I-" You sighed, taking a moment to collect yourself. "I thought you liked Kiyoko."

He furrowed his eyebrows. "Why would you think that?"

"I saw how you and Nishinoya talked about Kiyoko at the first practice, and I thought it was obvious," you said, tears finally escaping your eyes. "I've never had someone look at me and look at Kiyoko and then choose me..." Tanaka's eyes widened as he took in your words. You sighed. "That doesn't mean that it was right for me to keep it from you. Soulmates are a two-way street; you should've known,"

"Do you still think that I like Kiyoko?" he asked slowly.

"I-" You opened your mouth but you shut it when you realized you didn't want to say the answer. He sighed, remembering Kiyoko’s words; you needed things to be blunt sometimes. 

Tanaka took a deep breath. "Ya know, I've had a crush on you since we were first-years."

"What?" 

"I bumped into you in the hallways, and I've liked you ever since," he said, "When Kiyoko brought you to practice, I was just so excited to get a chance to talk to you. I saw it as my first chance to actually make a move. To understand why when I look at you... I don't care what anyone else in the world thinks.

"I liked you way before the soulmate thing was even involved in this," Tanaka continued and stepped closer, "You're my first choice." Your breath hitched as you took him in. His eyes were shining with the same passion you had only seen him have while he was on the court. As if he would fight anyone that disagred with him. "And I will always choose you first. No one else is even an option,"

You were frozen as you two stared at each other. "Tanaka-"

"I will tell you that a hundred times a day if that's what it takes," Tanaka said, "Because it's the truth, okay?"

You grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him closer to you, making him trip in the process. His arm reached out and slammed against the wall next to you to keep himself from falling against you. Your mouths slotted against each other. His cologne and the soft fabric of his shirt invaded your senses as your lips moved against his.

You were wrong. It wasn't a glance at him that cleared your mind; it was having him against you like this. Having him take you in and tell you that it was okay- you were okay. Tanaka's hand traveled to your waist, bunching up the fabric of your shirt as he deepened the kiss. You gasped against him as you were pressed further into the wall. His lips were soft, contrasted by his harsh movements against you. Tanaka was gentle, but he wanted to prove to you that he wanted you. That you could trust him with yourself.

The guilt that had lived in you for months dissolved into excitement. The pull towards him that you had repressed for so long, that need, finally being pushed to the surface was refreshing. It felt like you were drowning before, and this was the first breath of air you took in after he pulled you to the surface.

You sighed as he pulled away, panting as you stared at each other. He stayed close to you, lips ghosting over yours, sharing the same breath as you. "You're my first choice too," you whispered.

A bright smile appeared on his face as he stared at you. He leaned in closer, capturing your lips in a small kiss, leaning in to capture them as soon as they were released. As if he cared more about kissing you than breathing.

When the bell rang, finally pulling you away from each other, he intertwined his hand with yours. Smiles on both of your faces as he  walked you to your class. And those smiles stayed on your faces as you both went into the gym. You tried your best to ignore the congratulatory pat on the backs he got as the team saw your connected hands. But you smiled when Yachi began pestering you with questions. 

A promise made between the two of you, one without words. He would remind you of your worth every second of every day if he had to. 

And you would believe him.

[fedonciadale]

Dear Fedon, I have read quite a number of references to an Unkiss theory having to do with a trauma Sansa is trying to cope with. And something to do with JOn and a pre-canon kiss? I hope this is not asking to much, but perhaps you can explain this theory? Thanks a lot!

Hi there!

Allow me to answer this together with this question:

Do you think Jon and Sansa shared their first kiss when they were young (maybe too young to remember?) and that's also one of the reasons why Cat seperated them? I know kissing among Starks is considered platonically acceptable but Cat never considered him one of them & maybe she saw something the others didn't? (gut feeling)

I try to keep this short because I’ve already talked about a possible precanon Jonsa kiss numerous times. You might try searching “unkiss” here or on @jonsameta .

I should probably tell you at first that this is a highly controversial theory and there is nothing like a real proof for it, there is only some circumstantial evidence that might point in that direction. And there are many people who do not believe it.

In regard to a possible precanon crush I would alert you to the meta by @really-sad-devil-guy which you can find here.

So, let’s start with the evidence we can see in the Sansa chapters: It is well know that Sansa misremembers being kissed by the Hound, the so called Unkiss. It has long been established that for Sansa the coping mechanism to go for is “romanticizing”. She suppresses the traumatic event and paints it in lighter colours in her memory. And there can be no doubt, that the Hound threatening her, holding a dagger to her throat was traumatic. So she copes with this by imagining a romantic kiss. She remembers that kiss rather vividly. So it has been suggested that she might have experienced a romantic kiss. Because the kisses she got, by Dontos, Littlefinger and other creepy predators are not exactly nice memories. Let’s say that is hint no. 1.

The interesting thing is when she remembers the ‘unkiss’. She remembers this twice: One when Margaery and her cousins talk about kissing games and once when she gets a sloppy boy’s kiss by Sweetrobin. She does not remember the kiss when Littlefinger forces himself on her, now she remembers when cousins are involved. Cousins and innocent kisses so to say. Let’s say this is hint no. 2 a) and 2 b).

From Jon’s side there is the fact that we see him drunk at the welcoming feast, describing Sansa as radiant and her betrothed Joffrey as a prick. Maybe Sansa’s betrothal with Joffrey hit a nerve? He goes off on Benjen when he advises him to get a taste of girls before joining the night’s watch. Hint no. 3

Jon has a bad conscience about something that might have happened at the pool under the heart tree at Winterfell. He dreams of himself and Ygritte there, kissing and his father looks on, disapproval in his eyes. Hint no. 4.

Now, for evidence from other PoVs:

Bran mentions that Jon was angry for days, after talking with Ned about his joining of the Night’s Watch. Why? Hint no. 5.

From Catelyn’s PoV we know that kissing games in the godswood was a favourite pasttime of young people in Winterfell and Cat wonders if Robb ever kissed a girl there. Iirc, Theon did kiss a girl there. Hint no. 6.

Also from Catelyn’s PoV we know that there were kissing games between her and Littlefinger (kissing games she had not remembered for years!) and between Lysa and Littlefinger. So there we have kissing games of a lord’s daughter with her adoptive brother, the boy she grows up with who was taken in by her father. That ties back to Sansa and Margaery’s cousins talking about kissing games. Hint no. 7.

This is by no means, conclusive evidence. It is interesting though. Of course all these things can mean different things. Jon’s dislike of Joffrey might be rooted in the fact that Joffrey is a prick for example. Sansa falsely remembering a kiss might just be her way of coping with the trauma of the Hound holding a dagger at her throat. Catelyn’s kissing games might be just mentioned to show Littlefinger’s early obsession with her as well as make Littlefinger’s betrayal even more detestable.

But on the other hand. It could always be both. And in my experience, GRRM often uses hints and foreshadowing in various ways and uses scenes to show us several things.... The Ghost of High Heart who sees Sansa slaying a Giant in Winterfell might only allude to Sansa playing in the Snow and Sweetrobin’s doll being destroyed.... or both might point towards Sansa taking down Littlefinger within the walls of Winterfell.

I know I am more than half convinced of the idea. But Ia freely admit that I a) can understand people not following me there and b) that some people might find it creepy.

On the other hand. It might have been a really innocent kiss, that only gets importance in hindsight! And that might be the reason why GRRM hides it. Not because it held something sexual, but because he doesn’t want the reader to guess the romance that is yet to come?

As @really-sad-devil-guy argued: It is suspicious, that we do not see Sansa and Jon say goodbye. Their relationship is out of focus, and that in itself might be suspicious.

Thanks for the ask(s)!

[roccinan]

1/? simply because you have the most galaxy brain thoughts ever,,, what do you think would've happened if they waited until s5 to reveal sergio and andrés were (half)brothers?

i do know that when my fam started watching lcdp at first i was so put off. like i watched ep 1 and the prof creeped me out. ""berlin"" creeped me out. e v e r y o n e creeped me out. and i was cringing so hard becz of the short lived romance angle with alison parker. i literally did not watch s1 at all xcept for like sneak peeks. highlights being the scene where berlin discovers monica is alive and does his dramatic door by door thing? that was so SUSPENSEFUL even tho i had no idea what was going on. DOMINGO DE RESURECCION remains forever iconic.

2/? And OF COURSE the group bella ciao dance when they hit earth (hahah i thought the banda were actually like a "found family where they all love each other LOL") i am a SUCKER for found family. but anyhoo when i properly got intrigued was s2 when tokyo was kicked out (the music from that scene is still my favourite) it's just so dramatic..!! why am i telling u all this again? right, i haven't slept a wink and it's nearly 7 am pls forgive me if these rambles make no sense. i have a point with this.. i'm going somewhere

RIGHT. so when the fam actually rewound the ep cz i wanted to know WHY berlin did that (didn't fully realise how batsht crazy he can be), the russian roulette scene played. and pedro's acting. MAN. and like just that ep they made a point of showing us these flashbacks where sergio and andrés hug....

Hi anon! Thanks for stopping by- sorry took me a while to get back to you, will do my best to answer this string of messages (got all 4 parts)! Glad you like my thoughts XD

Firstly, I believe Andres/Sergio would be the biggest LCDP ship if the writers were evil enough to wait until s5 to reveal that they’re brothers asdfasdf. They’re already the two most popular male characters anyway. 

It’d be especially crazy because it’s not like they tell the actors these things beforehand either. So that means there’d probably be a Serdres vs Berlermo vs Serquel fight every 5 minutes. I mean, even if not everyone agrees on everything in the lcdp fandom, it’s the most “peaceful” one I’ve ever been in because no character really gets in the way of any other ship (like even with helermo and berlermo there’s no true conflict since Andres is dead). But with Serdres in the mix?? CATASTROPHE. Everyone out here writing essays about how much of a bastard/bitch/homewrecker/motherfucker that Andres or Sergio or Martin or Raquel is. Never a moment’s peace!! so basically, a regular fandom lmao.

Then when we find out they’re brothers, it goes from catastrophe to Apocalypse. Suddenly serquel and berlermo have the upper hand. Everyone would double down and harass the crew/cast into whatever’s going on.  Plot-wise, everything is the same though, just without Andres calling Sergio “hermanito.” Fandom however, would be a minefield! And I’m glad that’s not the case because I’d probably be an unfortunate serdres shippers XD No joke, my mother and I thought they were a couple in S1. So bullet dodged!

Secondly: haha, everyone creeped me out in S1 too, especially Berlin, I hated him, but thinking back, I think I mostly hated the fact that I didn’t hate him as much as I should have. I’ve made peace with it now but oh boy, was he a controversial figure in my head. I actually like the professor on sight though! IDK why, maybe because I thought his plans were cool or because of Alvaro’s delivery. I was afraid of an Alison Parker romance thing too- like, I do feel like she had a storyline that got dropped, but that part was quite cringey and overall unnecessary to the plot. Same with Ariadna, which was even cringier and even Less necessary to the plot. 

Domingo de resurrecion was iconic though yes! And even with all that said, I genuinely enjoyed parts 1 and 2 because it was so different from anything else I’d seen. Not content wise, but maybe tonally? IDK, they were just really bold with a lot of things, like being objectively unafraid of having the protagonists (plural because all of them did LMAO) do objectively shitty things. Really kept me in suspense from beginning to end! 

I’m usually a big fan of found families too! The funny thing is, then banda never struck me as a “family” until season 3. In 1 and 2, I was wondering what felt different about this show; then it hit me that these people remained colleagues to the end. Like, they backstabbed each other (repeatedly) and everyone was quite selfish, and only the bonds that were already there stuck. They were the opposite of a found family LOL But I think by S3, they went down the found family route and I didn’t mind because it makes quite a lot of sense for them to feel that bond after the Mint heist and almost dying/living together (and having witnessed 3 deaths together on the team). But I still doubt Berlin and Palermo were ever really part of this found family, with good reason XD

LOL the scene where Tokyo got kicked out is also among my favorites!! It was so funny and dramatic, and it was like, wow we can go anywhere with this now! Don’t worry- your rambles and thoughts are always welcome :D

I’m rolling over how you watched the Tokyo expulsion scene before the Russian Roulette scene haha. Also yes, PEDRO. Berlin may have been “controversial” to me at first, but I became Pedro’s fan from day one! Also the Hug is probably what made me like Berlin (despite my determination to hate him rip) in the first place. 

3/? ... and like now that i think about it... tokyo had real guts huh. like she KNEW berlin was close enough to el prof to know his name (fhshshs imagine if she'd heard andrés saying 'hermanito' it's unrealistic that she didn't TBH. i mean obviously they decided to make them brothers only towards the end but like in canon universe. how tf did andrés de 'i raised my bby brother since he was 12 and i'd actually die for him and his stupidly brilliant plans' fonollosa go 5 months without slipping up once and calling sergio hermanito. or like,,, i like to imagine sergio kinda gave him lots of leeway(?) sergio's a lil oblivious too but like i'm sure half of it is.. that's my dumbass older bro shut up i'm not being partial you all have city names .. andr-berlin, pass the salt. like OOF. + sergio also knew his big bro was dYiNG so like. i'm sure they were sneaking in some quality time (i hope they did 😭 gosh imagine if sergio really did not ever consider the possibility of andrés dying in the heist so he'd tell himself he needs to perfect the plan now & anyway he'll have enough time to spend w/ his brother post heist in philippines. and then ... that happened :/

Tokyo has guts in place of braincells you bet that she’d do something like this, consequences be damned XD I also think it’s unrealistic for Andres not to slip up, but I have a feeling nobody besides Tokyo really tried to spy on them in private. I headcanon that Andres instead slips up and does things like ruffle Sergio’s hair or adjust his tie when other people are around. I also think Tokyo was convinced that they were a gay couple when she saw them hug XD And if Sergio never went on to tell the banda that Berlin was his brother, everyone would be giving Palermo such awkward looks after Nairobi accused him of being in love with Berlin LMAO. 

I agree! I also imagine Sergio giving Andres leeway because he’s just so used to interacting with his brother that way haha. So either he’d go out of his way to ignore Berlin in front of everyone else or IDK, borderline telepathically communicate with him. Not even “pass the salt” has to leave his mouth- Berlin just puts salt into his food and cuts it up for him, in front of everyone who’s just staring like O.O

I actually do think Sergio never considered the possibility of Andres dying in the heist because he was just that confident in his own plan. Plus, Andres was probably the one person he expected to survive. And a lot of it has to do with Sergio’s attachment to him + Andres’ own habit of downplaying any illness/injury over the years, which I think is safe to believe canon. He was really in no condition to be in the heist, let alone lead it. Just the fact that he needs to take those injections is a big sign that he shouldn’t be there, but Sergio didn’t catch it because he’s human and blinded by faith :’) So yeah, I think Sergio was planning to spend proper time with Andres in Palawan and at Toledo, they just settled for those little moments by the fireplace. 

4/? what always also just GETS me in the feels is that el prof was shown to be this in control creepily calm dude who is miles ahead of everyone. + in the 1st Toledo class itself we see how detached,, like how impersonal he is, how professional - choosing frickin CITY NAMES?! no 'personal relationships' ? (after recruiting his older brother, a father son pair, and war cousins... oh sergio 😂 he's such a frickin nerd and i love him) but like the earlier seasons really emphasised how robotic and down right COLD he can be. it still sometimes bothers me that he put the button in the car. he lead the police to his own damn brother, his blood, who took care of him and adopted him and was terminally ill and like - UGH i try to rationalise that sergio is that cold and unbothered. or that he has strict morals. but it still bothers me becz that button really sort of tipped andres' already unstable sanity. like andrés tells denver someth like you've robbed my future and after that he just seems so much more suicidal and accepting that he can't get out of the mint alive - WHY SERGIO WHY. I KNOW THAT AT THAT POINT YOU BASICALLY DIDN'T KNOW ANDRÉS WAS GOING TO BE YOUR BROTHER YET BECZ IT WASN'T WRITTEN IN THE SCRIPT BUT WHYYYYY

That’s so funny to me too LMAO No personal relationships, then he recruits these guys. Sergio, hello?? Also can’t forget how he just recruited his own girfrleind in the second heist too. Buddy! Love this nerd.

I don’t think that cold aspect of Sergio went away in later seasons either; he just had more opportunity to show a more open side of himself + without Andres, he had to metaphorically leave his comfort zone without a safety net. But in earlier seasons, he really did seem heartless at times XD Then again, we can argue that the same goes for Andres.

To be fair, I didn’t feel sorry for Andres over the button thing lol, but once the brothers reveal happened and all of Alvaro/Pedro’s headcanons came out and we know everything Andres did for Sergio, it makes what Sergio did REALLY harsh. We really just have to explain it through Sergio’s strict morals and him believing this to be the best non-fatal punishment for Andres, who at that point had convinced him he killed a hostage. And because he knew the television interview was coming up, maybe Sergio assumed Andres would use it to “clear” his name anyway. And empathy isn’t one of Sergio’s strong suits either, so through that lens, I can rationalize it.

Also it was lowkey funny to me how Andres was there like DENVER MUST DIE until he found out Sergio put the button there, then he was like “oh hermanito, you and your practical jokes <3″

Still, like you said, Andres and Sergio weren’t brothers yet at this point. They were probably supposed to be lovers lmao and had a dysfunctional Hannibal Lecter x Will thing going on. But because they made #hermanos canon, that button moment just feels very out of place now, especially given how much the two genuinely love each other.

Guess we could also say that Sergio’s just generally kinda bratty with Andres XD Like, he knows no matter what, Andres would forgive him anything. That’s how I see it anyway! 

[arrow-guy]

Author and Auror (7/??)

Synopsis: Eleanore Vaughan has never been one for the spotlight. Her cousin, Rosaline, is the one best suited to the limelight, and is happier for the attention. Though Nora is most comfortable tucked away in her book shop, what happens when Grindelwald’s sudden takeover flips her world upside-down and thrusts her into the inner circle?

A/N: Okay, this chapter is particularly Dramatic and we’ll learn a little more about Nora than we have in other chapters. She’s a little more assertive than she’s been in previous chapters, which was kind of fun to play around with. Again, I am quite a bit behind where @thorne93​ is in our collaboration, but I’ll catch up eventually. Until then, please enjoy lmao

Previously, with Rosaline....

Page dividers by @carryonmyswansong​

Pairing: Theseus ScamanderxOFC

Word Count: 1.8k

Warnings: Canon typical violence, dueling, minor injury

part 6

Twelve aurors sit around the table with Theseus at the head. Tina sits to his right with me on his left and Newt next to me. The aurors grow restless after fifteen minutes of silence and Theseus finally decides to start the meeting.

“As you all very well know, we’ve had a break in the Rosaline Vaughan case,” he says. “Seeing as she’s paired with one of the most feared wizards in the world, we should be wary of what this could mean for the wizarding leadership in England.”

“And just what does that mean?” a blond auror asks.

“I’m sure you all remember Ms. Vaughan’s campaign for minister several years back, Dawes. While I myself have not been fully privy to her dealings between then and now, I’m certain that her cousin is more than capable of explaining.” He gestures for me to speak.

“Rosaline was at the top of her class at Hogwarts. She worked her way through the ministry ranks in a few short years and began campaigning for Minister. She’s powerful and wicked smart. Grindelwald, as you very well know, is also powerful, and extremely dangerous. Now he’s coupled himself with Rosaline. I don’t know what he’s planning to do with her, but she’s still very influential in many ministry circles and has maintained just about every contact from when she was running for minister. If he can use that to his advantage, all hope for us could be lost.”

“And what makes you think she’d do any of that?”

I snort. “Who in their right mind would get engaged to Grindelwald? She’s probably bewitched, or something.”

“You’ve got no way to prove that. What if she just wanted more power for herself?” Dawes asks, looking much too smug for my liking.

“Are you mad?!” I hiss, my anger getting the better of me.

“Rosaline wasn’t power hungry,” Newt interjects. “She stepped away from her campaign, didn’t she? She was a hair's breadth away from being one of the most powerful people in wizarding London, and she walked away. Why would anyone looking for power take a job as an assistant to a magizoologist? The closest they’d ever get to power is a dragon, and they’re not exactly the type to help anyone with anything.”

Dawes goes silent, scowling at both Newt and I.

“What’s wrong, Dawes?” I ask. “ You look as if someone stuffed a wedge of lemon in your mouth.”

He snorts. “It’s just that I’ve got to wonder exactly why a shop attendant and a zookeeper are being brought onto a case as important as this.”

I shove my chair back from the table, wand already in hand. Theseus places a hand on my shoulder, silently telling me to stand down.

“Are you questioning my judgement?” he asks, his eyes narrowing.

“No, sir, I just-”

“You don’t seem to understand these two as well as I do,” Theseus says. “Eleanore Vaughan was the best dueler in her graduating year. Newton Scamander, my brother, has more experience tracking and detaining living beings than anyone in this room.” Dawes says nothing. “Do you need a demonstration?”

I watch as he tries to sink down into his chair.

“I’d pay to see that,” the witch sitting next to Tina says.

Murmurs of agreement ripple through the Aurors in the room and I look to Theseus with satisfaction. Newt has one hand covering his mouth to hide his smile and I see Tina choke back a laugh.

“Do you think you’re up for a duel, Dawes?” I ask. “It’s been nearly fifteen years since I was in school. A lot can change.” Theseus snorts and I smack his arm.

I can see Dawes eye twitch. “Only if you want to,” he says indignantly.

“Then it’s settled!” I push myself up from my chair and gesture to the doorway. “Shall we take this outside?”

“Fine,” he grumbles.

It’s a quick walk down to the training rooms. There are still groups of young aurors working out and duelling one another when we walk in. All activity ceases as soon as Theseus walks through the doors. Every single trainee stands at attention until Theseus says otherwise. He tells them to line up against the walls and put up shield charms to protect them from any stray spells, jinxes, or hexes.

“Sorry, sir, but who exactly’s gonna be duelin’?” one trainee asks.

“Auror Dawes has so kindly volunteered himself to duel Ms. Vaughan today,” Theseus explains. “I expect you’ll understand what you’re meant to learn once the duel is over.”

Murmurs ripple through the congregated aurors and trainees. I block them out as I get into position at one end of the gym. Dawes takes his time getting into position, stripping his jacket and shirt off as he goes, leaving him in a white singlet and his slacks. I raise my eyebrows and look to Theseus who just shrugs and walks over.

“He’s trying to intimidate you, I think,” he says.

“Hm,” I hum and tuck my wand back into my pocket and work open the top button of my blouse. “Suppose I’ll have to do the same, yeah?”

Theseus blushes but laughs all the same when I’m down to my crimson silk camisole. He takes my vest and top from me and backs off to the sidelines to referee. There are several whistles from the trainees as I pull my hair back into a loose bun and ready my wand.

“Come on, Dawes. You may be under the employ of the Ministry, but I haven't the time to stand around all day and wait for you to finish with your little stretches.”

Dawes looks up and his face goes beet red when he takes in my appearance. “Aren’t you a little indecent?”

“Same could be said of you with that gut you’re working on there. I should expect an experienced dueler to appreciate a full range of motion. Now,” I lift my wand. “Shall we blither on like idiots, or duel?”

I can practically hear him grind his teeth from where I stand and I have to forcibly keep a smirk from my face. We bow to one another and ready our wands. Dawes is the first to act, throwing a loud and aggressive incarcerous at me with little thought. I cast a quick protego and the spell fizzles out before it even reaches me. In retaliation, I cast a stinging jinx and a full body bind one after the other. Dawes is only able to protect against the first jinx and his hit with the body bind immediately after. He struggles against the spell and growls angrily. I tilt my head to the side and wait for him to break free of the spell.

“Nora…” Theseus warns.

I wave him off and turn back just in time to see Dawes free himself and advance on me, sending a cutting curse my way. I dodge it and glare at him.

“You tried to cut me?!” I hiss.

“We never set rules, remember?” He seems much too pleased with himself

“Diffindo,” I hiss. I flick my wand at him and a small cut slices vertically up his bicep.

He cries out and grabs at his injured arm. He tries to fire off another spell but I shield myself from it before casting silencio coupled with a flipendo. He manages to right himself and stumbles to his feet, hands immediately flying to his mouth. He tries to say something and nothing comes out. I cast locomotor mortis and his legs snap together. Next comes a full body bind, and a quick depulso sends him flying across the room. He slides to a stop against the wall. I crouch down beside him and tilt his chin up with the tip of my wand.

“Don’t ever fucking question me again. Do you understand me?” He nods frantically and I point my wand at his mouth. “Finite incantatem.”

I walk away from him and he calls after me.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

I shake my head. “No you’re not.”

Theseus snorts and hands my blouse back. I spell the wrinkles from it and shrug into it, swiftly doing up the buttons and tucking it into my slacks. I leave my vest unbuttoned and turn to address the onlookers.

“So. What have we learned today?” I ask.

“That you should be a fucking auror, that’s what,” one young man says. The room erupts into laughter.

“Aside from that,” Theseus says.

“Overconfidence is useless,” a mousy girl says. “And underestimating our opponents can be deadly, if not, in the very least, bad for our health.”

“Exactly. Now, as you were.” Theseus pulls one of his aurors to the side as we’re headed for the door. “Get him to a healer. If they ask what happened, just tell them he was a prick and got what was coming to him.”

They nod and hurry over to help Dawes to his feet and usher him out the door as soon as he’s steady enough.

“I genuinely didn’t mean to cut him that deep,” I mutter as they stumble past. “Think I may have gone a little overboard there at the end.”

Theseus shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it. I meant what I said. He got what was coming to him. After all this time out of school, you’re still a brilliant dueler.”

“Aw, you’re just saying that.”

He shakes his head and slings one arm over my shoulders, pulling me into his side. “I would never, and will never say anything to you that I don’t mean.”

“I appreciate that.”

“I need to ask you something.”

“Of course, what is it?”

“Newt has been avoiding Tina, hasn't he? And whenever Rosaline is mentioned he goes quiet,” I lift my eyebrows and he presses his lips together. “Quieter than usual, anyways. I was told he wouldn't stop talking about Tina after he came back from the state's, but something has changed since Paris.”

“I can't answer a question you haven't asked, Theseus.”

“Has he got feelings for Rosaline?”

I nod slowly. Theseus sighs. “I haven't known very long. He told me when we were in Norway.”

“Why didn't he say anything sooner?”

I glance around and pull him into his office when I'm sure the coast is clear. “You know how your brother is. He's not exactly the most socially adept, he'll admit that freely enough, and when Rosaline started working with him she'd said something about not wanting anyone to break her heart.”

He scowls. “Surely that couldn't have been true after all these years.”

“Perhaps, but he took it to heart and did his best to move on. But Rosaline confessed that she loved him in Paris and then, well… everything went pear shaped. Newt is still processing things, and certain things have been pushed aside while he does that.”

“His relationship with Tina.” I nod and he scrubs a hand over his face. “Alright then… do you think it's wise to have her on this case given the circumstances?”

“She's a damn good auror. It'd be a shame to waste her skills, especially given the fact that her sister joined Grindelwald.”

“Of course. Then we've got our team then, don't we?”

-------------

Part 8

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this chapter, please reblog, comment, and/or shoot me ask! Feedback would be greatly appreciated!

[madrut16]

The Dungeon Part 1 - BB Chp. 13 Rewrite (Adrian x MC)

Author’s Note: Ahhh, it’s back! I know I’m skipping a lot of chapters but, I don’t think I can emotionally handle playing Chp 4 and 11 again. That’s why I’ve been putting off writing more of this. So, that’s why I’m resuming from here. Also, the end is what I’ve been the most eager to rewrite. I made a few major changes to this chapter that aren’t canon about Nicole. First, she’s not helping with the rescue because I thought it was weird and I don’t want that snake a part of it. Second, Isabel (my MC) is already highly suspicious of Nicole and part of the plan is to prove she’s a traitor (I don’t want to give too much away). I also made Isabel’s reactions more emotional because of Adrian being her LI. 

The changes are also why I split this into two, it would be way too long if I didn’t! Hopefully, you all enjoy it though!

Summary: It seems like fate has been sealed after Adrian is sentenced to death, but Isabel isn’t ready to give up even with the odds impossibly against them. She works together with Kamilah and Lily to come up with a genius but dangerous plan to save him, one that could put her right in The Baron’s crosshairs. 

Disclaimer: All of the characters and the dialogue not original belongs to Pixelberry Studios.

Rating: PG/PG-13

Word Count: 4113

Tags: @endlesshero1122, @kinda-iconic, @starshippromise, @flyawayboo, @kamybelen-blog

“He’ll meet the sun.”

Kamilah’s words echoed through Isabel’s mind as she sat next to the fireplace at the powerful vampire’s office where they came to regroup after the verdict. The first time she heard them, the emotions that she had been holding back as they dragged Adrian away had come to the surface all at once. Right there in the middle of Central Park she completely broke down sobbing and Lily had to almost carry her back to Ahmenet Financial. 

She was still sitting where her friend had placed her on the leather couch, her tears now silently streaming down after the violent cacophony had seemed to go on forever. She stared at the flames and ash beginning to form on the wood and she swallowed another lump that had formed in her throat. That’s what Adrian would be in mere hours and here she was, completely unable to help him like she should be able to. 

Isabel couldn’t deny that he wasn’t just her boss anymore or even a friend. Up until the ball, she managed to convince herself that it wasn’t anything more than a small crush. Even when she gave into temptation with that kiss almost a month ago during their midday excursion. But then, there were the sparks she felt during their dances and the intense dread and worry she felt during the whole trial and all of the little moments in between. And now that he could actually be gone...there was no going back. She cared for him, in a way she’d never felt before. That same feeling her cousin Delilah constantly described when talking about Liam.

In fact, she suspected it was more than that even, that she was starting to fall in love with him. Isabel knew that she wasn’t completely there, it took her forever to arrive at that. And there were so many secrets about him that she wanted to know until she was at that point. But, that process had definitely begun. Enough that she couldn’t think of living without him. She would do anything to save him if she could, even if it put her in danger. 

Also, she could tell that she wasn’t alone in feeling this way. It was in his eyes constantly. She noticed it in her apartment when she was begging him to save Lily. Or maybe it even started in the museum, when he told her he just couldn’t let her go. That’s what scared her the most, the possibility that she was somehow responsible. He broke the rules for her. He had been so concerned for her safety and happiness throughout all of this. Yet, it hadn’t crossed her mind until now what danger he faced by having her so involved. Without her, this might not have happened at all. 

Her daze from being lost in her head was broken by the sound of heavy footsteps on the hardwood. 

“Hey,” Lily said gently, causing her to look up. “Figured you could use this.” The gamer gestured to the glass of water in her hand, a single ice cube inside to chill it. 

Isabel simply nodded and took it as her friend sat down next to her, an equally tense expression on her face. “This is all my fault, Lil,” she whispered, her voice breaking.

“How? You were the one who advocated for him the most! They were idiots for betraying him. Maybe he’s done things in the past, but now? I don’t think Adrian could hurt a fly unless he had to.”

“But I’m the who reason he’s in this mess in the first place! If I ha...hadn’t begged him to turn you then The Council wouldn’t have been so mad at him.” Isabel took a sip of the drink in her hand, failing to stop the waterworks once more. “Hell, I should’ve just gotten my memories erased like he was told to,” she spat angrily. “All I’ve been doing since then is causing more trouble.”

“Nonsense.” 

Kamilah suddenly appeared and sat down in the armchair across from them. Seeing Isabel, her eyes softened into a more concerned expression. “I don’t want you to talk like that anymore. I know I had my doubts about you in the beginning, but now I know he made the right decision. He confided in me at the Ball about what he saw you and I’ve rarely seen him speak of someone so highly. And never a human, not even Nicole.”

“Really?”

The Vampire queen nodded. “I happen to agree with him. You’ve proved to be brave and extremely helpful among many other things. And Lily, I have to say you have learned rather quickly and I have grown quite fond of you two.” 

Isabel saw a brief moment of light on her face as she looked at Lily.

Soon, her expression darkened once more. “None of this is your fault...or his really. Truth be told, this was bound to happen whether you were here or not. Most of them have wanted him gone for a while now. The Baron is relatively young and resents Adrian for making him follow the rules, Lester has been holding a grudge against him for decades. As for Vega...he’s been jealous almost since the beginning. He will do anything to have power and Adrian has been in the way of that.”

“What about Priya?”

“She’s indifferent either way. The only thing she cares about is herself. Not to mention she's easily manipulated. I think she still wants affection from Vega also, even though they've been done since the thirties."

A minute went by with silence before Lily perked up. "Wait, I wanna know more about this serum. Do you know anything?" she asked Isabel who nodded.

 "I know a lot about it actually," she answered.

 "Is what Vega said true then? Can it really…?"

"Yes, it's really supposed to make vampires human. The final product anyway, I have no idea if it works like it's supposed to. Adrian only showed me a prototype. Although with his success rate, I wouldn’t doubt that it does.”

"That definitely sounds like something Vega would make a fuss about. I had no idea until the trial," Kamilah told them. 

Isabel felt a spike of anger and she slammed the glass down onto the side table. "That's what I can't figure out, he's not supposed to know about it! If Adrian didn't tell you, the person he trusts the most, he definitely didn't tell anyone else on The Council. Now I know why."

"So someone on the inside...leaked it to him?" Lily questioned following along.

"Yes, that's the only way Vega would have known. You both saw how surprised Adrian was at the trial!"

"Isabel, who is authorized to know about it?" Kamilah asked, almost demanding.

"Not many. Just me, the researchers in the lab working on it...and Nicole." The last name she answered with dread.

The others picked up on her suspicions. Lily exclaimed, "You think she betrayed him? That girl is attached to him like a leech."

"I think it's highly possible yeah. It's the only person that makes any sense. You would think she would've helped more at the trial. It was almost like she wanted him convicted."

Kamilah frowned. "Something about her just never sat right with me either. However, that is a lot of suspicion without evidence.”

"Adrian did express to me once that she really wants him to turn her.” She was met with wide eyes. “Don’t worry, he told me he would never do that, even if there wasn't a rule. She was too power hungry, irresponsible. And she was really agitated during the ordeal with Lily. At the time I just thought she was worried about Adrian but now...she was probably wanting it to be her," Isabel theorized. 

"That's... convincing. However, we would need more than that to actually prove it enough for any action. It'll have to wait until...after dawn," the Vampress stated.

They all knew what she was referring to.

"So that's it? Just like that, Adrian's gonna die?" Isabel asked once she realized that no one had a plan to try and save him.

"I'm afraid so," Kamilah spat angrily, her hardened expression returning.

Even she had given up trying. Isabel figured out of everyone, she would be the last to leave it to fate.

"I feel like I've been punched in the gut…"

Lily agreed with her sentiment. "Me too. Like I can't catch my breath…"

While it hadn't been long, she had grown fond of him too. 

Kamilah looked at them sadly before taking out a carafe and mixing some liqueur before handing them both a glass over ice. "Drink. It'll dull the pain."

Suddenly Isabel looked up at them, her eyes ablaze and pushed the glass aside. "Dull the pain? I want to do something about this! There must be some way--"

She was quickly interrupted. "Believe me, if there were I'd be doing it." The older vampire snapped. "Adrian is like a brother to me. I'd burn The Council to the ground for him…" she let out an impossible, defeated sigh. "But we've played our hand and lost. If we went to war, it'd be two clans against four. We'd be destroyed. Along with half of the city."

"But that trial was total bull! Adrian was set up!" Lily exclaimed.

It was clear that Kamilah thought so too. "Council justice is swift...and not always just."

Isabel shook her head, not believing what she was alluding to. "Can't we at least...appeal to the Council?"

She was met with a scoff. "And say what?"

"I don't know! Try to reach whatever shred of fairness and humanity they have left? They can't really all want Adrian dead?!"

Kamilah frowned once more. "After what they learned about the serum, I suspect they do."

No. They weren't just going to give up. Bolting from the couch Isabel paced frantically, tears welling in her eyes again. "There's got to be something! I mean Priya likes me. What if I offer to let her feed on me in return for a favor?"

"Yikes dot yikes," Lily exclaimed, begging her not to.

As for Kamilah, she let out a dry, bitter laugh. Bluntly, she told Isabel, "Priya would take the deal...then use you till you broke, and then force you to watch Adrian die with a smile on your face. Priya might be clueless when it comes to council meetings and put off an air of allure...but she's every bit of a monster as the Baron. Maybe even more."

Isabel gulped, instantly regretting what she'd suggested. She remembered Adrian's warning about her in the club that first night.

However, the lecture wasn't done. "I'm sorry Isabel, Lily. The reality is harsh, and I won't sugarcoat it." Kamilah’s next words were clipped as if to put an end to the discussion. "There is nothing we can do."

Isabel didn't know what came of her, but the idea of doing nothing became more and more unacceptable. Maybe it was her sadness turning into anger or her feelings about Adrian influencing her but, the one thing she wasn't used to is giving up. Even when the deck seemed impossibly stacked against her. So, she impulsively said what she had once before. 

"No."

Both Kamilah and Lily looked at her in surprise.

"Excuse me?" The older vampire said. "Did you not hear what I said?"

Isabel wasn't swayed. They were going to fight until the very end. At least she was. "I did, and I still say no. How can you accept that?!" she said incredulously. "There's always something." 

She paced around the room desperately trying to get her fast mind to work at lightning speed. Suddenly she stopped as a simple but dangerous idea came to her. It was a long shot, but it might be the only way.

"What?" Lily asked, knowing that look on her friend’s face.

"Couldn't we just...rescue him ourselves?" Isabel blurted out. "Can we at least try?"

A moment of silence hung in the air.

Finally, she watched as Lily's expression grew slightly more optimistic. "Yeah, I mean...we're pretty badass right? You especially?" she gestured towards Kamilah. "And you've got at least two dozen vampires in your Clan…"

Kamilah shook her head. "I wouldn't ask them to risk their lives. Not for another Clan's leader." Isabel could tell she liked the idea though, she could see it in her eyes. "Besides, even if we could do that without getting ourselves killed...none of us know exactly where Adrian is being held."

"Um, I do."

All of them turned around to see a woman Isabel had seen a few times when she'd gone to meetings here with Adrian. She was a vampire from Kamilah's Clan and head of security. She also worked for Adrian before becoming interested in finances and transferring over and was still fond of him. She couldn't remember her name though.

"Janet," Kamilah said in surprise. "How much have you heard?"

The redhead swallowed. "Most of it. I was--working late. Word is already spreading through the Clans about the trial. I can't believe they're going to execute him."

Isabel was the one who replied. "Not if we do something. You said you know where they are keeping him?"

"Yes...I know exactly where he is."

Kamilah quickly offered her a desk chair. "Come, sit down. Tell us what you know." She poured Janet a drink and slid it to her across the desk as they all took a seat.

"Thank you. I have a friend who works for Vega who's privy to that information. She was glad to tell me where he is. "

Lily sat up straight. "A mole! You've got a mole!"

Janet smirked. "I work in espionage, both here and when I was with Adrian. It's my job to get information. Luckily, that was her plan all along. She's been wanting to leave for a while and this was the perfect opportunity. She's willing to work with us to keep Vega off his trail as long as possible too."

"Again, I've underestimated you, Janet," Kamilah replied, a smile appearing for the first time in a while.

That's when Isabel knew that her crazy plan might work after all.

"I think love you," she exclaimed gratefully. "Now, where is he?"

Janet sighed. "In the Bloody Cellars."

Isabel felt a chill up her spine. That's where The Baron sent her until she was rescued by Jax on the way.

Suddenly, she jumped as Kamilah slammed her fist on the table, anger once again coursing through her. "I knew it. My worst fears have come true."

 "It makes sense. It's the one place they thought he'd be safest from you."

"Well, they picked the wrong human to mess with, especially when someone I care about gets hurt,” Isabel fumed.

"Sorry, can we put that thing down, flip it and reverse it?" Lily asked, confused. "What is the Bloody Cellars? Because it sounds like a Halloween-themed wine bar."

Kamilah explained sternly, "It's The Baron's private prison beneath his club, where he locks up anyone who's crossed him. A disgusting cesspool of torture, murder, and brutality."

"So no Halloween-themed wine bar."

Her friend shook her head, mouthing "no" before swallowing back yet another wave of emotion. "To think...to think they've got Adrian in a place like that…"

She closed her eyes tightly, imagining the suffering he was most likely going through. It felt like a knife to the heart. She had to get him out of there, whatever it took.

She felt Kamilah's steely gaze and met it. They both felt that way. "It's beyond cruel. Even for The Council."

Janet agreed. "That's exactly why we need to bust him out. Quickly."

Isabel nodded. "I couldn't agree more."

She looked at the clock and saw that it was almost three thirty am. Sunrise was at 6:45, which meant that they had three hours to work with. They need to do this fast.

Kamilah cleared her throat, the determination back in full force. "Okay, now that we know where he is, we have to figure out how to get him out."

Isabel remembered that Adrian kept a blueprint of the entire club that he showed her when she went to deliver the notice a couple months earlier. Her almost photographic memory still gave her a vague idea of what they looked like. She also remembered where they were kept. 

She relayed this information to the group. "We still should have time to grab them, if we act quickly. Plus, it can also give us an opportunity to see if Nicole is really the traitor I think she is."

"Vega already has security outside Raines corp, although...if you could get past them…"

"Kamilah?"

"He won't have much of the secured the inside, not until the killing is done. He'll want as many of his men to watch as possible."

Isabel smiled. "Easy. Priya isn't the only one who can do some manipulation. I already have an idea of how I want to do it. I’ll just pretend I'm just getting my things from the desk, which is true. I did leave a lot of things there thinking I could go back. And I'm a good actor too."

"Have I told you that I love you?" Lily exclaimed.

"Many times Lil." She continued her explanation. "Now, if Vega wants the serum for himself, he's going to go back for it. And if Nicole is in on it...she'll trap us in the office if we return there after Adrian is rescued. By then, I'll have gotten rid of it, so Vega can't have any. Then, we head to the club from there. That part won't be easy. I'll see if on my way out I can get Adrian's car. It'll be fast enough for us to lose them if they follow us at any point."

Even Janet and Kamilah looked impressed. "Nice work Isabel."

"Thanks. I also know enough about the layout that we can still think of the rest." Isabel said.

"Cool, so what's the plan now?" Lily asked.

"We need to find a way to sneak in and bust him out!"

"Hell yeah. I'm always ready for some Technical Espionage Action! Although I kind of meant, you know, a plan plan."

"Oh. Right."

Janet shifted in her chair, refilling her glass. "Even with the floor plans, infiltrating the Shrike is no easy task. And if my friend is telling the truth, The Baron's doubled the number of guards on duty."

Isabel began to think, picturing the blueprints in her mind until an inkling of an idea began to form, like a puzzle she had to solve. It was almost too simple but, that was what she hoped would make it work.

She looked up at them, her eyes shimmering. "Wait. I've got something. This may sound dumb but what if we just...walked through the front door."

"You're right," Kamilah admitted bluntly. "That was...idiotic."

"But, that's just it! That's exactly why I think it could work!" Now, Isabel had their full attention. "What if...we went in like we were trying to make a deal...and then sprung him."

She left everyone speechless. For a few seconds, everyone stared at her in surprise.

Finally, the CEO stammered, "I...stand corrected. It's actually an interesting idea...a good idea. But what could we possibly offer The Baron?"

She already had an answer, although she didn't like putting the person she had in mind at risk. But, she had to. "Another prisoner. One he can't refuse."

They all looked at her, slowly coming to the same conclusion she did.

Her and Lily whisper the name at the same time. "Jax."

"Are you sure? I doubt he would easily agree to this," her friend exclaimed.

Isabel sighed. "I hate putting him in danger too. But, he’s the one enemy that The Baron hasn't been able to put away. And...we should give Jax something in exchange: a home for the Clanless. He wants that more than anything. If...that's not too much to ask." 

She looked over at Kamilah. 

"If this is successful, and we win the fight with Vega afterward...I don't see why not. I certainly wouldn't object. The only reason I've been against it so far is because of Adrian making enemies with the Council. But, seeing as that has already happened...I'm done playing nice."

"Then I think we'll have a deal!"

The air was full of optimism as the rest of the plan was pieced together in meticulous detail.

Just when Isabel thought they had accounted for every obstacle, Lily posed one more question.

"What if The Baron won't even be convinced with Jax? What if he thinks even that's not enough to go against Vega?"

Kamilah scoffed. "Oh, I know he won't give us Adrian unless we get him ourselves. He'll just sit us there and wait for the sunrise. Jax breaking him out will be the ace up our sleeve.”

"But what if he doesn't even let him down there at all? Then we've done all of this for nothing!"

Isabel knew. She knew immediately what The Baron would accept without a doubt. Both Jax...and her.

"Then have Kamilah throw me in there also," she volunteered.

"No!" Lily pleaded. Kamilah also looked uneasy.

But she already made up her mind. She told herself that she would put herself in danger for Adrian and she meant it.

Turning to Kamilah, she explained, "You said you would do anything to save Adrian. So, if you throw me in there as if that's not part of the plan, he'll bite. Especially if you pretend that I'm expendable because I'm human. I'm the one person he wants to kill more than Jax.” She saw they were still hesitant. “Please, I want to be down there, I need to. I need to see him and make sure we get him out."

"If you are sure that you are okay with this, I will do that," Kamilah replied.

"Yes, I'm sure. We can't tell Jax about this part though, his reaction needs to be genuine. It'll sell better." She escaped the Baron's clutches with Jax once, she was confident they could do it again.

Lily frowned at her friend but didn't stop her. "I hope you know what you're doing Iz," she warned her, voice wavering with fear. "I don't wanna lose you, not after all you've done for me."

Isabel smiled. "I do Lily. Adrian's risked his life to save mine before. Now it's my turn."

Her best friend nodded. “Okay,” she mouthed. 

After everything was confirmed, she called Jax. He was the one thing left she needed to secure the plan. He picked up after the second ring.

"Isabel? Is everything okay? How...how are you?" He inquired with concern.

Biting her lip, she put him on speaker before answering, her stomach in knots. “We’re rescuing Adrian!" She exclaimed. 

"What?”

"Jax, we have a plan to bust him out that can work. But, we need a big favor from you in order to make it happen, one you’re not gonna like.”

There was silence. "This is going to be something dangerous...isn't it?"

Isabel sighed. "Yes, but it's the only way The Baron will let us down into the Bloody Cellars where they're keeping him."

She quickly explained the whole plan with help from the others.

"You really put all of this together."

"Oh, I...it was a team effort really."

Lily scoffed loudly. "Are you kidding, you were the one that refused to give up, even when the rest of us did! You also came up with the idea for rescuing him, and how to do it."

"Fine, I guess I contributed a lot, that’s not the point,” Isabel said hastily before returning to the task at hand. “Look, Jax, I know it's a lot to ask." 

"You're right, it is. I don't know if I can risk leaving my people without a leader." He replied.

She knew he would say something like that but, she still had her end of the deal to disclose.

"Jax, that's exactly why you have to do this. Keeping Adrian alive is your best shot at giving them a real home, safety. He’s been fighting for you, but the Council wouldn't let him. If you help us by doing this, and we somehow win against Vega, we'll make sure the Clanless are protected.”

After a minute, he said, "You're serious? You can actually make that happen?"

It was Kamilah who answered him. "If we do the impossible and make it out of this alive? Adrian and I will personally see to it that you and the Clanless replace Vega on the Council since he won’t let us go both alive.”

"Then I'll do it. If Adrian really has been that sympathetic to us," Jax stated. "There are a lot of my people in that prison also."

"I promise he has," Isabel said.

They were actually about to do this. The adrenaline already began to run through her veins.

She heard him sigh after a long pause. "Alright then. Let's get Adrian out of there." 

Note: I just edited this because I realized that this is Chapter 13 and not 12! Sorry!

[aca-awesomenerd]

Bechloe Multi-Chapter Fic List

Perfect Harmony

Author : BeChloe01

Beca and her father made a deal that if she really gave Barden a shot, he'd fund her move to LA at the end of the school year. She only has a few months left to convince him that she did try. Which means Chloe only has a few months to convince Beca to stay. Slight AU retelling of the movie so that BeChloe are canon.

Squeeze Once For Yes

Author : Knope.We.Can

Beca finds herself being pulled into a fast friendship with a gorgeous redhead and, for the first time in years, she wishes she hadn't built her protective walls so high.

The Friend

Author : Secret Heart33

Beca falls in love with her best friend, Chloe, for the first time when she is 12, but things do not go quite as planned. From there Beca learns her role as 'The Friend' and tries to put it all behind her when she moves away. What will happen when they meet again 6 years later at Barden University.

The Playlist - Volume 1

Author : RedRobin90

Beca Mitchell doesn't want to go to Barden, but once she's met that certain redhead, who doesn't seem to have personal boundaries and always know's how to make her skin tingle, it doesn't seem all that bad.

Your Love Is A Song

Author : HypersomniacGrad

All Beca wanted was to move to LA and make music, that's why she made the deal with her dad in the first place. Make it one year through college then she could move to LA. Thankfully she has her step-brother and a surprisingly amazing roommate to help her bear through it all before she moves on. And then she meets Chloe, and Beca's not quite sure about anything anymore

Dreams

Author : TrulyBeTold

Aubrey and Chloe celebrate the Bellas' win, but Chloe isn't as happy as she thought she would be. And Beca finally got the courage to be with Jesse, so why does she feel like something's missing? And which of our favorite Bellas will help piece the puzzle together?

Everything You Want

Author : funnyhowthatis

In the morning after the Bellas win the final competition, Beca and Chloe realize that they might not have gotten all that they wanted.

Long Way Round

Author : Smeg699

Nationals is over, a new school year has begun, and Beca is wondering if she didn't make a mistake at Nationals. Rating: Mostly T, a few chapters are M though, and that will be noted in the Author's Note at the beginning.

We Could Be More

Author : Knope.We.Can

They've been best friends since college. Just Best Friends. No complications, No jealousy over boyfriends, just plain, simple friends. Until, of course, the awkward almost kiss.

You Never Know How Strong You Are

Author : CrohnieReader

until being strong is the only choice you have. Moving into the Bellas' House in her second year of college should be exciting and fun for Beca, right? But when the thing she's been hiding from everyone since the beginning of freshman year makes a reappearance, bringing with it a great deal of suffering, it makes life a little more complicated.

Just Like Glass

Author : recallthelove

You see through me, like I'm not there. 

PP3 - What really happened

Author : when_you_know_you_know

Not enough Bechloe content in PP3 for your liking? Well here is what REALLY happened on/off screen 

For Lovers Only

Author : dr_jb5

Takes place two years after the events of Pitch Perfect 3. Beca and Chloe haven’t seen one another since then, each going their separate ways – Beca to music, Chloe to vet school. But, one fateful week, they both end up in Paris ... And when their paths suddenly collide, desire and passion take over as they gain back those missed years and rediscover one another all over again.

I'm Only Human

Author : longlivebechloe

AU on what happens after Chicago and Chloe kiss.

I Guess I Do

Author : x-backtoblack-x

Chloe's cousin's getting married and she'll be damned if she has to endure another family gathering/speed dating weekend. Cue Beca to begrudgingly save the day.

You're Weird

Author : Saweeet47

Chloe's father doesn't handle her sexuality very well, to the point where he doesn't believe it. Chloe's family assumes she has a girlfriend. She feels the need to hit two birds with one stone, coincidentally Beca is there to save the day.

And I Opened Up My Eyes, I Saw The Sign

Author : dandelion3455

Chloe and Beca have never quite figured out their timing. But what happens when Amy's impending wedding practically forces the two girls together? Basically a slow burn that turns into a volcanic eruption and there's a lot of smut.

Belong

Author : MakesGoodChoices

Beca Mitchell is a six time Grammy award winner, but Chloe Beale is never far from her mind. What happens when they meet up again at an engagement party five years later?

Blind Love

Author : acafuckmylife

Chloe's best friend Aubrey is marrying the guy of her dreams; she's the maid of honor of course. Planning the wedding is going to be a lot of work, so when Jesse (Aubrey's future husband) suggests that his best man/Best friend Beca Mitchell helps them, a lot can go wrong. Rated T (possibly M later). Bechloe and Jaubrey.

I Love You, Awesome Nerd

Author : Olivia Janae

Beca had done her freaking yearly good deed. She had gone to the Bellas reunion...thing...whatever. She had gone and she had accepted the award, she had seen the Bellas; she had even let them stay at her damn condo! So why the hell was that stupid-gorgeous redhead, the one she had run from all of those years ago, back and camped out in her freaking living room refusing to leave?

I Promise

Author : fugitiveboov43

"I did not forget my promise, I was trying to forget it. There's a difference." Chloe breaks Beca's heart. Thanks to fate and with their small circle of friends, they meet again.

Pitch Perfect 3 - The Aca-Reunion

Author : becca343

After years apart, the Bellas are all coming back to Barden for their 5 year reunion.

Stupid Choices And Second Chances

Author : Biggiewoods

Beca has been helplessly in love with Chloe forever but never had the guts to tell her. After Chloe gets married Beca can't seem to bare it and cuts all ties with the love of her life. What happens after 5 years later when they meet up again. Will Beca finally tell her how she feels? Will it even matter if she does?

The Sun & The Stars

Author : BardenBellatrix

The Bellas get invited to a resort to celebrate Jessica and Ashley's engagement. Will the girls' relationships have changed since they left Barden?

Two Brides and The Bellas

Author : Gapalkru

A few months after graduation, the Bellas are reunited at Cynthia Rose’s wedding. Someone is a bit too stubborn about a bet, alcohol flows freely, and Amy requires a tuxedo for her iPad. Don’t we all just want to live happily ever after at a wedding?

Burn

Author : idontknowmaybe

Chloe Beale needed a change. So when the perfect job opportunity came up in the same LA suburb that her best friend lived in she couldn't pass it up. Can you find yourself and the one when the town is caught up in a horrible nightmare?

Everything I Never Knew I Wanted

Author : Well Fancy That 13

Beca is one of the world's biggest DJ's and music producers, Chloe is an on-the-rise It-Girl in Hollywood. Beca Mitchell thought she had it all, but then she met Chloe Beale.

This Could be Just Like Heaven (Don't Throw It All Away)

Author : Freerangeegghead 

In which Beca Mitchell gets the life she's always dreamed of and more, but realizes maybe it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Fallen

Author : Iwentdownwiththeshipbye

Beca has a religious, homophobic father who has been abusive in the past, leading Beca to think she needs to have secret relationships. Only her last relationship ended horribly and she's left to get her frustrations out by womanizing. Until she meets Chloe. Who sees right through her persona.

Familiar Taste Of Poison

Author : danisweetman22

Beca Mitchell was never a normal girl. She had been through so much in her life, more than a soldier, her psychiatrists all used to say. It was only when she arrived at Barden University that things started to change, for the good, and the bad. Trigger Warning: Abuse, Rape, Self Harm, Drug Abuse and Alcoholism.

Hurt

Author : Knope.We.Can

On a night out with Aubrey, Chloe is shocked to discover that the musician they're watching perform is her best friend from high school, Beca Mitchell. While Chloe is desperate to reunite with the one that got away, Beca has her own demons to battle. Trigger warning.

League of Angels

Author : danisweetman22

Beca Mitchell is the most feared assassin Azrael, the angel of death. She arrives at Barden University under her master, Michael's order. Her new target, Mr James Beale, an important figure in the Government. Beca must collect intel through his daughter, Chloe. However, something about Chloe, unlocks feelings in Beca that she locked away eleven years before.

Roommates

Author : twin192

Beca, 19, a freshman is new at Barden University and meets her new roommate Chloe, 21, also a freshman. They click instantly and become fast friends. But what is Chloe hiding? Why is she crying so often when she thinks nobody's noticing? What did she do for two years before going to college? AU

Silence Has A Sound

Author : summerreader13

Something has happened to Beca. No one's seen or heard from her in days. Chloe decides to go to her room and find out what's going on. Can she help Beca, or will Beca push her away like she does everyone else?

Shattered

Author : Lackluster Brilliance

Chloe did what she swore she'd never do. She broke Beca's heart, and though it hurts, Beca can never stop loving Chloe. Bechloe angst. Trigger warnings: Rape, self harm, suicide, and alcohol abuse.

Tragedy Strikes When You Least Expect It

Author : Iwillforgetthisl8er

A year after Beca Mitchell stopped talking to the Bellas and Chloe, a tragic accident will pull her back. Rated T for now, may change later. Trigger warnings: Child Abuse and Rape

Whispers In The Dark

Author : KissKendrick

Who knew something as simple as a bag being thrown over her head could open so many doors? Doors that Beca wanted to keep shut. Chloe had no idea what she was getting herself into. What she did know? She wasn't backing down. She wasn't leaving Beca, and she wouldn't let the horror of her past hurt her anymore. The problem? Beca may be too far gone to be helped. TRIGGERS INSIDE.

Your Love Is Killing Me

Author : abnormalhuman

Beca and Chloe become fast friends like predicted, and right from the start there is something more. But how can Beca fall for a girl after being raised by homophobic parents? Beca can't handle or come to terms with herself. Will Chloe be able to help her through it? Trigger Warnings: slight mention of self harm and homophobic assholes doing their asshole thing.

Where Are You?

Author : Knope.We.Can

Beca Mitchell has been missing from Barden for a month. Chloe has spent every single hour she's been gone missing her.

It's All About Finding Yourself

Author : FluentInMovieQuotes

Beca struggles with school as it is so being forced into the High School's show choir by her Spanish teacher, claiming that it would earn her enough extra credit to pass his class was the last thing on her mind. After they perform at homecoming assembly, a certain redhead joins and her and Beca easily become friends until Beca begins to question her sexuality.

Dreams Can Come True

Author : FluentInMovieQuotes

Sequel To It’s All About Finding Yourself

Struck by a Feeling

Author : LadyHH

Beca and Chloe lead two different lives at school. Neither noticing the other, that all changes from one moment that will lead them to something they never expected.

The Track Star and The Cheerleader

Author : not-so-average-fangirl

High School Junior and Track Star, Beca Mitchell, gets thrown for a loop when her father gets a new job at Barden High School. She's forced to leave her current high school and join Barden just as her Junior year is starting. What could possibly go wrong? Or, after meeting a certain redhead, possibly go right?

To Leave It All Behind

Author : BIggiewoods

Beca had to leave her perfect life all because her mother had remarried. She had it all. She was on a State Champion Softball Team, had a weekly show on her high school's radio station, and most importantly a future internship at a record label. She thought her junior year would be a bust until a bubbly redhead she will meet would make it all worth it.

Awake and Alive

Author : KissKendrick

Chloe knew before she even saw her, that Beca was the girl she was meant to spend her life with. Beca, was drawn to Chloe, for reasons she didn't understand, nor does she care. But Chloe as well as her best friend Aubrey are not what everyone thinks. They are not regular college students. And an old friend from the past is going to stir up a lot of old feelings, & expose the truth.

Love Like The Wind Wild, Untamed

Author : jamiexh

Beca's and Chloe's lives are turned upside down when Chloe accidently turns Beca into a werewolf.

My Little Badass

Author : LexysK23

"I was trying to find something to levitate to show Beca, but I may have done the wrong spell. Bree, I changed my girlfriend into a three year old." Chloe now must take care of her three year old girlfriend until she is able to change her back. How much trouble can the small girl get into? And, oh yeah, it's a three year old half-vampire.

Now We've Got Bad Blood

Author : tay0720

Fresh off the plane from Seattle, Beca Mitchell heads to Barden University for her first year of college only to find herself falling hard for a junior named Chloe while being roped into a supernatural shitstorm.

The Last Battle

Author : Jules In Neverland

Two years after leaving the US Air Force, Captain Rebeca Mitchell works for the FBI. With her ex-wife about to marry a man that it's not as perfect as he seems, and a seven year old to take care of, she fights to fulfill her three ultimate missions in life: Make justice after terrible events happened during war. Catch the last bad guy of her career. Gain the love of her life back.

They Shot Me Down But I Won't Fall

Author : beauboss

Beca was in the army and fought in a war till she got shot in her leg and her dad wanted her to come home. As she was still recovering her dad forced her to go to Barden to follow some classes. Beca hates being home but then she meets Chloe. A beautiful red head who she thinks is really pushy and annoying at first... But what happens if her feelings change?

Beca's Fall

Author : MidnightBravery

Beca and Chloe get into a big fight over another girl, resulting in Beca walking out on Chloe. Chloe is crying to Aubrey while Beca is getting drunk with Luke, what happens when Beca realizes that everything is slowly falling apart & Jesse finds her on the rooftop of the Station?

What If 

Author : HypersomniacGrad

PP2 (sometime before the retreat) but deviates from the story: After living through the worst day of her life, Beca meets an accident and comes face to face with Death. As she ponders on whether or not she still wants to wake up from her coma, she asks herself, what if she never joined the Bellas? If she never existed? If she died? Death takes her on a journey to find out.

Waiting At The End Of The Road

Author : HypersomniacGrad

Sequel to What If

You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone

Author : WarriorOfTheLight

There is a life-threatening accident after Regionals and it might be too late to undo mistakes...

Counter Attack

Author : AchaeaMG

Beca has a deal with her father. She promised to play on the Barden field hockey team for a year and he would then help her move to LA. Things don't go as expected.

Leave It All On The Field

Author : second job

Chloe is a senior captain on the soccer team. Beca is the hot new freshman. Follow their relationship on and off the field.

Stare Into The Sky Until We're Blind

Author : lescousinsdangereux

Chloe Beale has one rule. Just one. Had she known that the odd combination of hair dye, a crappy old convertible, sixty-plus hours of driving, a mix CD, and one Beca Mitchell would lead to her breaking it, she never would have suggested going on this stupid road trip in the first place.

I've Been Bitten

Author : hitandrunn

Spidey!Beca. You expect your senior year in high school to be pretty stressful. Having to worry about college applications, prom and graduation. Beca on the other hand, has to worry about protecting the city when she's bitten by a radioactive spider.

The Vigilante

 Author : hitandrunn

Sequel to I’ve Been Bitten

Blank Slate

Author : HypersomniacGrad

Everyone would kill for a second chance and that's exactly what Chloe gets when one day, five years later, she gets another chance to tell Beca how she feels. Only... Beca was supposedly long gone and the girl who Chloe meets years later has no idea whatsoever who the redhead was…

Chances

Author : Melanocortin1

Beca KNOWS she can be better than Tom, she wouldn't even need a second chance. Everyone else seems to know it, she just has to get Chloe to realize it too.

Company Woman

Author : BeChloeIsLegit

It always seems that Chloe is the one getting married and Beca is left pining over her/cutting off contact. What if this time, Beca is the one getting married (to some woman) and Chloe's the one pining and regretting that she missed her chance?

ERASED

Author : HypersomniacGrad

Beca Mitchell possesses an ability that sends her back in time moments before a life-threatening incident, allowing her to prevent them from happening. When her father is murdered, Beca's ability sends her back 10 years to when she was in high school, giving her the opportunity to prevent a kidnapping incident that took the lives of 3 people she knew, including the girl she liked.

Have A Nice Life

Author : farfrom7

Beca is a little bit broken. Chloe is kind of engaged. Neither of them could be prepared for what happens when their worlds collide.

Hoofbeat

Author : shadowswillscream

Beca gets sent away to a horse ranch, Hoofbeat, as a last chance due to her recent rebellious behavior. There she meets Chloe Beale, who changes Beca's rule of 'everyone's temporary'.

It's You?

Author : AcaTitanium94

Beca & Chloe met when they were both 10'year olds. Beca promised Chloe that one day they would get married. Years later fate brings them back together in the least expected way.

It's Always Been You

Author : AcaTitanium94

Sequel to It’s You

Lost Stars

Author : BKTheGoldenKnight

Beca, an ex-MotoGP racer, has a tragic past and she had managed to get back on her feet when she met Chloe. However something unexpected happened. Will Beca stay or runaway?

Never Let Me Go

Author : AnnaKendrick11

Beca goes to Barden University and Chloe is a new student. They become friends and get closer, then they both realise that they have feelings for each other but will certain problems overtake their love?

Old Love Dies Hard

Author : iwasyounme

It's 6 years after Beca took off from Barden without telling anybody and decided to go to L.A. Chloe is a barmaid in a small bar in the City of Angels too. One night, Beca walks in her bar, but a lot has happened in 6 years and they don't recognize each other. Six years ago, Beca fell in love with Chloe, will it happen again?

The Lives We Live

Author : AcaTitanium94

Beca and Chloe both live separate lives. Chloe is married to Tom and living in Toronto Canada. What will happen when Tom gets a better job in the US and they move back there? Will her marriage change because of a certain brunette she met a year ago on an airplane?

Thank God For The Internet

Author : alyssa-gibson

Beca hated when songs got stuck in her head, but she was grateful that one did because if it hadn't, she wouldn't have met the love of her life.

Wrong Turn

Author : RunFarAwayWithMe

Beca's dad is eager to find someone who will be a 'good influence' on his alternative daughter, and introduces her to the over-achieving Luke Brandon. As Beca becomes reluctantly intrigued by this seemingly perfect guy, she is introduced to his family and becomes close with his sister, Chloe. She soon realises that Luke is just a wrong turn on her way to true love.

2000 miles

Author : omACAgee

Rising DJ internet sensation Beca Mitchell might so happen to fall in love with a cute, bubbly redhead fan of her's who's the ideal perfect girl. Problem is though, they live on opposite sides of the country with only technology keeping them in contact. Will their relationship last without the physical contact?

Proving Them Right

Author : cheeky_geek_monkey

The Bellas always did joke about Beca and Chloe dating...so is it a moral issue if they pretend to prove them right to make some money at a certain someone's wedding?

After Life

Author : phlesh

What happens if you meet your soulmate after you've already died?

La Douleur Exquise

Author : redchocopanda

Stacie believes in the concept of soulmates, of destiny and of true love. Now if only she could get her childhood best friend, Beca, who believes that none of those things are real or last long enough to convince her, to do so too & maybe make her realize that the famous Chloe Beale is the one. Unknowingly, Stacie just might become the reason their two worlds might finally collide.

Club Bellissimo

Author : redchocopanda

Emily Junk, on her last year in Barden, wishes to recruit new talented Bellas, to win the ICCAs again, to enter LA's super exclusive hangout, Club Bellissimo, to have a Bella reunion & most importantly she wishes to see Beca and Chloe finally be together and have gorgeous babies. **CLUB BELLISSIMO is the Dickens' novel Anna K hates and Brittany S would be secretly reading over wine

Puck me

Author : bardenacapella

College Hockey AU. Beca Mitchell plays on the hockey team for the Barden Bulls. What happen's when Chloe Beale goes to one of her games and their eyes meet?

Favorite Record

Author : bechloehuh/eliseboobman

They have an old beat up Thunderbird convertible, twelve thousand dollars between them, and no destination in mind. This could very much be the worst decision both of them have ever made.

Fire and Fury

Author : OnceYouGoBecYouCantGoBack

She wants to be more than just her client. G!P Beca.

Tackled

Author : OnceYouGoBecYouCantGoBack

Nine years of ignoring the big elephant in the room. Nine years of bickering like an old married couple. That's all shaken up with an unusual proposal. G!P Beca

Perfect : A Bechloe Love Story

Author : BechloeGoals4Life

What if Bechloe actually was endgame? This story is what I believe Pitch Perfect would look like if Bechloe was the focus.

Pitch Perfect 3 : Bechloe is Legit

Authors : BeChloeisLegit and  RJRMovieFan

Pitch Perfect 3 - the movie everyone saw, rewritten to be the movie everyone wishes they made.

Perfect : A Bechloe Love Story

Author : BechloeGoals4Life

What if Bechloe actually was endgame? This story is what I believe Pitch Perfect would look like if Bechloe was the focus.

The Truth About Reality

Author : sendricamp

Chloe discovers there is more to falling in love with Beca than she originally expected.

Hear me chirp

Author : Plush Panda

Chloe wants to know what Beca's favorite animal is, but Beca will have none of that. Supernatural!AU.

A Ginger A DJ A Wedding

Author : EmilliJayne

Chloe convinces Beca to be her date to her brother's wedding :)

The Basketcase and The Princess

Author : Fake Shemp

Angsty but Fluffy AU timeline of Pitch Perfect.

Beauty and the Badass

Author : Ibbly5

Beca Mitchell is a badass LA music producer, working as a bartender by night. So what happens when an adorable redhead comes into her life?

From more to friends, from friends to more (Those bright blue eyes)

Author : brighteyes29

A Bechloe High school AU. It's a month before the graduation where Beca and Chloe broke-up, although the DJ still tries to get her ex back with some help from her best friend Jesse. But after all, the two girls still love each other. They just have to admit it one more time.

Bellas Boot Camp

Author : MoonWriting

Adventures come in all sorts and shapes. Bootcamp with Aubrey is one of them for the Barden Bellas, but while there Beca and Chloe each go through their own emotional adventure in their journey to love.

The Detention Club

Author : ThatWeirdAwkwardKid

High School AU. Basically what happens when you mix drama, mischief, the girls and a night owl of a writer. Just the group making trouble as well as friendships whilst having fun trying to avoid the principal.

Destiny

Author : KateLides321

Beca Mitchell moves to Atlanta to live with her cousin Jesse. Upon arriving she meets a beautiful girl who's dog named Destiny got loose and ran up to her. Maybe this was meant to be or is destiny playing a cruel trick on her heart.

Irresistible

Author : justfunriley

Beca is a werewolf, who was changed by an unknown Alpha. As she struggles with her transformation, Jesse and she start to fight. This leads to them breaking up. Who will be there to pick up the pieces? Her best friend, a beautiful redhead, will be there to pick up the pieces. Werewolf/AU Bechloe fanfiction.

Sometime You Need Help

Author : Ibbly5

Beca is super guarded, all the time. And Chloe is so drawn to her. But Beca can't possibly let her in, can she? She can't trust anyone ever. Even someone as kind and beautiful as Chloe.

Something Worth Living For

Author : AnnaKendrick47

Beca Mitchell doesn't have many friends, people in school hate her, teachers despise her attitude, which always seem to get her in trouble. That is until she finds herself wanting to get into one specific teacher's good side.

Age Is Just A Number

Author : FluentInMovieQuotes

Beca's heading into her senior year of high school, pining to get herself to LA instead. She meets a redhead the night before school starts and they find out that they have a lot in common with each other. Little did Beca know that the next morning she'd discover that this redhead would be her new English teacher. Someone has it hot for the teacher.

The Voice

Author : A Charmed Vampire

Chloe Beale gets the chance to audition on the NBC hit show, The Voice. Desperate to kick start her music career, she wants to get her best chance of winning. Just one little thing standing in her way. Professional DJ, producer and recording artist, Beca Mitchell is one of the coaches. Will her crush on Beca get in the way of her musical dream?

One More Year

Author : Knope.We.Can

It's the final year of high school, and Chloe has big plans to go off to college and begin the next stage of her life. Beca just can't wait for the year to be over so she can head to LA. Having spent their time at high school as strangers, Chloe finds herself wondering about the quiet mysterious girl in her English class.

Maybe In Another Life

Author : not_so_average_fangirl

Moving into a new house turns out to be a better experience for Chloe Beale than she thought it would. Perhaps it’s because of the friendly, little brunette she finds hiding in the basement one night. An unforeseen friendship sparks between them, but as more complicated emotions begin to arise, a shocking truth is revealed, and Chloe’s world gets turned upside down.

And Everyone Wins

Author : littlepip

Beca and Chloe haven't seen each other since high school. They weren't great friends back then, but that wouldn't be the only thing that's changed.

[beckytailweaver]

look out, I been thinking things

Got to thinking about some Coco things that can be rustled up in the various wikis, compiled from creator quotes, or picked up from the books. Trufacks, headcanons, inferences. Some of the concepts may be used in fic, some may be handwaved for reasons, some are just there to think about.

So, um. Wall of text.

At the end of the film, Miguel's cousins Abel and Rosa are playing an accordion and a violin respectively.  In the novelization, they're playing tambourine and harmonica.  Now, the book's instruments are pretty simple to learn to play and use.  But the film's chosen instruments are both fairly complex and in most cases would require actual formal lessons, especially for pretty ordinary kids who (unlike Miguel) probably had little to no real music exposure prior. I'm not sure how I feel about these two being able to play party music with Miguel in less than a year's time (it took Miguel longer than that to be proficient with his guitar, and with no lessons he's amazing!).  Maybe they've all downloaded Papá Héctor levels of talent, but my gut tells me that unless the Riveras were already so okay with music that they sprung for lessons, the tambourine and harmonica are kind of more realistic at that point. Depends how you view the One Year Later timeline I guess?

Currency in the Land of the Dead: It runs on memories. Basically everything there is a memory (the "spirit copies"), not the real thing. Nothing living exists or grows there except for the cempasúchil marigolds. These flowers grow all over the Land of the Dead and I suspect anything else you might see is either temporary (Día de Muertos gifts) or artificial. There isn't much space for crops in that crazily stacked-up cityscape anyway. With this being the case, it's likely that the dead there don't have much resources such as renewable food (details not really touched on in the film). My mind is proposing that the primary way the Land of the Dead acquires such resources is through Día de Muertos. Not that eating is necessary to the deceased, but it's likely nice, and as they are sustained by memories, then the memories of food and goods lovingly crafted and given to them likely has a strengthening effect. In such a world there's probably little use for money, though it might exist as a kind of IOU currency. My mind proposes that most of the dead would trade in goods from their ofrendas and funerary offerings. Though they don't have nearly as many needs as the living, "wealth" would be measured in how much you got from your ofrenda(s).  Likely the very wealthiest skeletons are those who (like Ernesto) receive such a bounty from so many ofrendas that they can well afford to "hire" other skeletons to work for them and have plenty to pay in memory-goods.

The Forgotten live in shacks with nothing to their names. Firstly because they have no one to remember them and no offerings. Secondly, the skeletons nearer to them on the social ladder would have little to spare in terms of extra offerings (though some likely do, given the stuff found rolling around the shantytown and Chicharron's bungalow). Thirdly, the skeletons "wealthy" enough to hire them are those who would least want to, because they wouldn't want to be reminded of the Final Death that looms for everyone no matter how long—and because who wants to hire somebody they don't know if they'll just disappear and not show up for work? (Once the joints start sliding apart, you know that guy's no good for anything, you can't rely on them to show up and they haven't the strength to make it through a day's work...)

If everything in the Land of the Dead is memory, it's probably a good thing that Miguel didn't stay there for too long. They seem to have water there, at least (no guarantees for sanitation), in the depths surrounding the city and in the cenote seen on screen. However, if the foods available are nothing but memory, I suspect that eating them wouldn't do a living kid much good. They might taste good (or provoke the memory of taste), but likely would not fill him. Same reason Héctor could straight up drink a shot glass of tequila without playing a PotC skeleton joke—it's not "real" liquor. If Miguel doesn't go home, not only will he turn into a skeleton himself, he'd starve to death anyway in a matter of days. (Obviously one can take or leave this quasi-headcanon for purposes of fic, but it is an interesting underworld concept to consider.)

Factoid: The marigold bridges (or at least the magic that runs them) are aware in their own way and work with the ofrenda photo scanner system to prevent unauthorized skeletons crossing. I suppose the borders of the Land of the Dead are so jealously guarded to prevent the dead from escaping to create a profusion of ghosts and "evil spirits" rushing about the land of the living. Obviously not every skeleton is a nice person; Ernesto was there, and it seems everybody—or at least everybody Mexican—ends up there, as it's not a Heaven-or-Hell-Judgment sort of place. The rules would at least keep unsavory sorts from pestering the Land of the Living for selfish or evil reasons; but since rules have to be for everyone to be fair, nobody gets through without a pass, no matter how nice or desperate they are. Me, I'm wondering how things went before the scanner was implemented (it's "technology" and fairly modern). Heck, how did they run the place before photos were invented? That long ago, did you only get to cross over if you were wealthy enough someone painted your portrait? It's all based on ancient Aztec/Mayan magic (if that's what we should call it) going by the temples/pyramids that anchor the bridges. What did they used to do centuries ago in lieu of pictures? Obviously the old magic has adapted to the changes in culture and technology, but I'm curious how this place ran when it was first "built." (Anybody knowledgeable want to weigh in on this? Otherwise I'm gonna have to go drag my mythologies texts off the shelf.)

Héctor the Forgotten: he's barely hours behind Chicharron on the Final Death schedule and he still manages to bounce across half the city with this kid like it's nothing! It's worse once you've seen the film all the way through: you know Héctor's a (more) dead man walking, he's got literally hours left to live, he knows he's terminal, and yet he's still so full of energy and smiles and kindness. It's heartbreaking and it makes him one of the strongest people I've ever seen in fiction. I firmly headcanon (in multiple fandoms) that there is an ancient Power that sustains the wronged dead so they have a chance to see justice done. I suspect that above and beyond his sheer heart, that power was what helped keep Héctor upright and at full speed despite the condition of his bones and the memory-magic holding him together fraying at the seams. Chicharron seemed ill and infirm that close to his end, apparently rather bedridden. Héctor was up and dancing on a stage. Héctor also didn't start getting flashes until after his murder was revealed—to someone who could carry that knowledge to the living world to right those wrongs. The power sustaining him immediately started to ebb. There was probably some loophole for getting to the living world for wronged dead too; maybe to go haunt your murderer or such, to try to get justice.  Héctor might have availed himself of these bylaws, if he'd known he was murdered. But he didn't until it was too late, so he was stuck behind the photowall at the bridge gates for decades. I figured on a source for his marionette-movements as well, beyond the creators' stylistic decisions: If Héctor is pretty much running on heart, emergency power, and duct tape, it's sheer willpower keeping him animated. It's almost less that his body moves, and more that he moves his body. If he's falling apart that badly, just lifting his arm without the will to keep together might have his hand drop off! (Just look at how he sags and stretches whenever subjected to sudden or stressful movements! He almost lost his head the first time Miguel grabbed him—did lose an arm after that.) It's like he partially has to will his limbs to move, like a paralyzed telekinetic—so yes, Héctor's body is a marionette; his mind is the puppeteer tugging on the fraying strings of memory-magic keeping him together. And then he dances.

Héctor was, according to the wiki, creators, and books, 21 years old when he died in 1921. As it is canon his birthday is November 30, he would have had to have died in December of 1921, after having just barely turned 21. Inferring this date for his death gives me a headcanon that after months on the road with Ernesto,  Héctor was tired and homesick and it was almost Christmas and he didn't want to miss Christmas with his girls and that's why he was even more determined to go home. Ernesto probably had some holiday gig planned to play and was even more pissed off. It just makes the murder that much more horrible. (I mean, Christmas, Ernesto. It was Christmas season. And you had to kill the guy who just wanted to be home for the holidays.)  I will probably go cry and write fic now, because that's just the saddest thing ever. (I could be completely barking up a tree with this too—anyone know about Christmas celebration in early 1900's Mexico?  ...it's still a horribly sad thought.)

Anyone has something to say on these thoughts, please tell me if I’m wandering too far afield or if something needs further consideration! I never know if I’m letting my mind run too wild.

[johannas-motivational-insults]

Joniss Babysitter AU

Here is Part 4, a.k.a. the part where JMI goes into JMI mode and destroys the characters’ lives and readers’ hearts. Because Joniss just isn’t Joniss without a lot of angst. Also it’s kinda canon adjacent, so... that’s a thing. You can catch up on the previous chapters here, here, and here.

Part 4: 2005-2006

Things remained a bit tense between Johanna and Katniss after the blowup over Blight. Even after they supposedly made up, Jo could feel a slight hesitance and tension in Katniss’s demeanor when they were together. A lack of comfort and trust. It hurt, but she couldn’t pretend she didn’t deserve it. Humiliating Katniss was a sure way to get pushed away.

Though it left a hollow ache, Johanna didn’t quite register how much she missed Katniss's affection until she finally received some on Christmas Day. 

After she and her immediate family opened gifts and had Christmas brunch, Jo got on her bike and rode to the Everdeens’ house. Her grandparents and cousins were coming over for presents and dinner later, but she had a few hours to kill. When she arrived, Mr. Everdeen answered the door with a surprised smile and invited her in. “Girls!” he called. “Someone's here to see you!”

Prim came barrelling in from the living room almost immediately, but Katniss didn't follow until her sister grinned and shrieked, “Jo!” While Prim threw her arms around Jo’s waist, Katniss rounded the corner with a shy smile, edging closer.

“Hey, Prim,” said Jo, giving her hair a ruffle. “I come bearing gifts.” Prim bounced on her toes excitedly, wringing her tiny hands. Johanna had never brought them Christmas gifts before. She had a little more money available that year, that and she was still feeling guilty for her indiscretion a few months prior.

Since Prim was already all but salivating on her, Johanna gave her her gift first. She ripped open the wrapping paper and cheered at the stuffie she found inside, an orange tabby cat. Promptly proclaiming she was going to name him Buttercup, she gave Jo a quick thank you hug and scampered back into the living room.

“Primrose!” called her dad. Giving Jo an embarrassed look, he added, “Sorry.”

“It’s all good. She’s excited.” Actually, Jo was kind of grateful because Prim’s present was much cheaper than her sister’s and she didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Butterflies fluttered in Jo’s gut as she reached into her backpack to pull out Katniss's gift. Her nerves surprised her but she kept her face straight, revealing nothing as Katniss curiously took the box and started peeling away the wrapping paper.

Katniss’s eyes widened and flicked up once she opened the box, revealing the leather archery glove inside. Jo had noticed that her old one was worn out and getting a little small for her that previous September, when Katniss took her hunting with her dad one time. Specifically, she’d noticed when she shifted to stand after one of Mr. Everdeen’s shots and Katniss laid a hand on her thigh, silently instructing her to stay in a crouch. Johanna’s eyes lingered on the hand and she couldn’t help noticing the worn, strained leather on the back of the glove.

Johanna found herself gazing at Katniss’s hand once again as she carefully extracted the glove from the box and examined it. Katniss hadn’t started her growth spurt in earnest yet, but her hands were growing and probably about the size of Jo’s by then. Jo found herself wondering and thinking they should compare. She shook that off and said, “I had to guess on the sizing, but if it’s wrong you can go back and exch-”

Katniss squeezed her arms tight around Jo’s ribs, popping the breath from her lungs and effectively cutting her off. “It’s perfect.”

Something half laugh, half wheeze pushed its way out of Johanna, prompting Katniss to loosen her grip. “You haven’t even tried it on yet.” Katniss rolled her eyes but handed the box to her father. Slipping her fingertips inside, she fastened the wrist strap and flexed her fingers, testing the glove’s give. Raising her eyebrows, she gave Jo an approving nod that made warmth rise in the older girl’s belly. Ignoring the sensation, Jo tipped her head and suggested, “Maybe you could teach me to shoot sometime? How to hunt?”

“I’d like that,” Katniss agreed immediately. Suddenly registering that it was not entirely her call, she turned to Mr. Everdeen. “Dad? Can we take her again next year?”

“Of course,” he replied, giving Katniss a smile with a hint of mischief. It turned warm and inviting by the time he looked up to Johanna. “You’re practically family.” With that, he gave his daughter's shoulder a squeeze and brushed by her to join his wife in the kitchen.

Katniss’s gray eyes shone as she stared up into Jo’s, the intensity of her stare making Jo’s stomach gurgle. Stepping in again, she dropped her head to rest against Jo’s shoulder and slipped her arms around her waist. “Thank you.”

Easing her arms around Katniss’s shoulders, Johanna murmured, “You’re welcome.”

A moment later Katniss looked up, forehead creased with concern. “I don’t have anything for you.”

“This is enough,” Johanna assured her, unable to stop the smile forcing its way onto her lips. It was more than enough. She’d bridged the gap. She knew she’d be embarrassed about being a sap later, but right then she was too relieved to care about her pride. Doubling down on the puke-worthy shit, she pressed a kiss to Katniss’s forehead. Katniss smiled, promptly burying her face in Jo’s chest again.

***

Mere weeks later, Johanna came home to her mother’s blanched face and some terrible news. There’d been an explosion at a factory earlier that afternoon, and several workers were killed. Mr. Everdeen was among them.

Jo felt the loss in the pit of her stomach, her mind going numb. Because he had been a mainstay in her life for years and she was fond of him, partly. But even more so, because she knew how close Katniss was to her father. This could destroy her.

Jo felt useless, unsure what to do. Her mother sensed this and gave a little guidance, enlisting her help making a lasagna for the family. Because cooking is an inconvenience when one is grieving, she explained. It was something to do, which helped. But once it was in the oven, Jo could only stare at her hands. Homework was out of the question.

She hadn’t even noticed her leaving, but her mother returned home a few minutes before the oven timer went off. Cradled in her arms was a small, tasteful bouquet. Somehow the flowers made the whole thing more real, twisting a knife under Johanna’s ribs.

Mrs. Everdeen appeared just as shell shocked when she answered the door. Taking the dish with a dazed expression, she gave an almost robotic, “Thank you.”

Standing from laying the bouquet on the front stoop with a handful of others, Johanna raised a hopeful eyebrow. “The kids around?”

“Johanna,” Mrs. Mason interjected quietly.

“What?”

“Let them be. You’ll see them at the funeral.” Turning back to her coworker, she added, “Let us know if you need anything else. Any of you.”

“We will,” replied Mrs. Everdeen before disappearing inside.

As Johanna looked helplessly at the closed door, her mother laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Look, I know you’re worried about Katniss,” she said, calling Johanna’s eyes up to hers. “But you shouldn’t force yourself upon someone who’s mourning. It’s rude.”

Apparently, many of the people at the funeral didn’t get the memo. After the service, person after person approached the family to offer their condolences. Which would be fine, except many of them were forcing hugs upon Katniss. While Mrs. Everdeen and Prim seemed to appreciate the gesture, Jo could see Katniss growing more and more uncomfortable, stiffening and avoiding eye contact. Eventually Jo decided manners could get fucked and cut in line, pulling Katniss aside.

Once they were a few feet removed from the horde of well-intentioned but overwhelming mourners, Katniss expelled a long breath and gave her rescuer a nod of thanks, even catching her eye for an instant. Not wanting to add to her discomfort, Johanna refrained from giving her the hug she wanted to or delivering any useless platitudes. Instead, she gave the girl’s shoulder a firm squeeze. “You call me if you need anything, okay? Even if you just want to talk.”

To Jo’s surprise, Katniss willingly looked up and made eye contact. The brightness Jo remembered from Christmas Day was gone, her eyes now dead and dazed. Though her expression carried hints of relief and gratitude, Katniss could only respond with a mute nod. Unlike some of the other mourners, Johanna didn’t take the lack of verbal response personally. She knew Katniss sometimes had a hard time with words when she was upset.

There was no money left for babysitting after that. Apparently the family got some kind of settlement from the company, but Mr. Everdeen had no life insurance. Jo called asking for Katniss several times in the months following, but Katniss always claimed she was too busy to come over. Eventually Jo resorted to dropping by the house one day. While Katniss appeared relieved to see her, she wouldn’t let her inside. It was a bad time, she said. It was always a bad time.

Midway through April, things somehow got worse. Johanna was studying at the kitchen table after school when the phone rang. Mrs. Mason answered, and Jo didn’t pay much attention to the conversation until her mother’s voice turned dark. “Oh no.” There was a short pause. “Let me ask her.” Muffling the receiver in her chest, she turned to her daughter with a worried look. “Johanna, are you able to babysit the Everdeen kids?”

Despite the ominous tone the conversation had taken, Jo couldn’t help but perk up. “When?”

“Now. It’s one of their neighbours on the phone. Mrs. Everdeen just got taken away in an ambulance.”

Johanna’s eyes widened and she slammed her textbook shut decisively. “I’ll hop on my bike,” she answered, already out of her seat. “Be there in ten minutes.”

When Johanna arrived at the house, she was surprised to find Katniss already chopping vegetables for a salad while a pan heated on the stove. “A bit early for dinner, don’t you think?”

Katniss shrugged, barely glancing her way. “Something to do.”

“What’re you making?”

“I dunno. Scrambled eggs, maybe?”

Poking around in the fridge, Jo frowned at how empty it was. “No bacon. Maybe some toast to round it out?” Katniss nodded and Jo joined her at the counter again. “When was the last time your mom went shopping?”

“January 10th,” answered Katniss flatly. When Jo’s eyebrows flew up, she smirked at the cutting board. “I’ve been doing the shopping. In little bits, so it didn’t raise any red flags.”

“Red flags?” Katniss didn’t answer, and Johanna was about to pry further when Prim entered the kitchen. Her quivering jaw and tear-stained cheeks quickly stole Jo’s attention, and she knelt in front of the young girl and wrapped her up in a hug.

“Is she gonna be okay?” blubbered Prim, squeezing her thin arms around Jo’s ribs.

“I dunno,” admitted Jo. When the girl sniffled into her shoulder, she backtracked, “I don’t know anything, Prim. I’m just here so you guys don’t have to be alone.”

“It’s not like we need a babysitter,” Katniss snarked from behind her. “We’ve been doing just fine all this time.”

For some reason, that remark burrowed under Johanna’s skin and sparked a fire in her belly. Turning her head to glare at the older sister, she snapped, “Do you want me to leave, Katniss? Is that it?” Katniss dropped her eyes silently and Jo pressed, “Well?”

Katniss pursed her lips and finally looked up. “No,” she answered quietly, the vulnerability in her face catching Jo off guard. That did more to convince her than the answer itself.

Neither girl seemed keen on explaining what had happened, so Johanna didn’t pry. For now. But Katniss’s remark about needing something to do inspired her to provide distractions. Once they’d finished dinner and washed the dishes, she took them out for a walk around the neighborhood. Prim was finally starting to calm down, but Jo held her hand anyway as they strolled the darkening streets. Katniss silently flanked Jo’s other side, eyes mostly on the ground. But after a few minutes, she surprised Jo by taking her other hand. Knowing better than to comment on it, Jo responded with only a gentle squeeze.

Exhausted from the emotions of the day, Prim passed out on the couch shortly after 7:30, halfway through some cartoon the others had agreed to watch for her benefit. Johanna carried her upstairs and tucked her into bed, not bothering to wake her to put on PJs. By the time she got back, Katniss had set up her old Nintendo console and popped in MarioKart. She had newer games, but Jo only knew how to play the old-school 90’s games they used to play when they were little kids. Her family never had a console, so she only ever got to play video games at friends’ houses.

After one Mushroom Cup devoid of their usual trashtalk, Johanna put her controller aside and tapped Katniss on the knee. When she made grudging eye contact, Jo asked, “Katniss, what’s going on? Why are you doing everything for your mom? Has she been sick?”

“Something like that,” muttered Katniss, pushing her start button.

Having none of this, Jo switched the TV off and tossed the remote over the back of the couch, culling a glare from the cranky preteen. “Katniss,” she insisted. “What happened to her?”

Sighing heavily at the carpet, Katniss delayed a moment before answering. “She tried to kill herself.” Glancing up to catch Johanna’s shocked expression, she continued, “She’s been lying in bed a lot lately. Missing work, not even getting up to cook dinner.” Jaw twitching, she dropped her eyes again.  “Anyway, Prim went in to check on her after school and found her unconscious in a pool of her own vomit. She was terrified.”

“Oh my god.” Her brain shocked numb, it took a moment for Jo to deduce, “So you’ve been doing everything because your mom was too depressed?”

Katniss nodded. “I didn’t want anyone to find out. What if they take us away? Split us up?”

The thought of Katniss leaving tightened Jo’s chest painfully, but she tried to stay objective. “Maybe that would be better. I mean, if you were with someone who could take care of you.”

“I can take care of myself,” snapped Katniss.

“You shouldn’t have to.”

“I like it here!” Katniss shot back, surprisingly loud and shrill. “I like my home. This is where… this is where everything was right.” Her voice cracked on that last word, her face crumpling.

“Hey…” Johanna scooted closer and drew Katniss into her arms. She came surprisingly willingly. Jo’s eyes burned and a lump grew in her throat at the feeling of Katniss’s body trembling under her hands as she tried to hold back tears.

“Where’s he gone?” Katniss whimpered into her shoulder several moments later, her voice hoarse and cracking once again.

“I wish I knew,” said Jo. “But your mom’s still here. And so am I.”

“No, she isn't.” Feeling Jo turn her head to look at her questioningly, Katniss explained, “Even if she comes home, she's not… here.”

Mulling this over a moment, Johanna admitted, “I get why you didn't want to talk to me about this. I can have a bit of a big mouth.”

Katniss laughed despite herself and finally lifted her head, making Jo smile. “A bit?”

Wiping a tear from Katniss’s cheek, Jo continued, “But I’ll listen, and I won't tell, okay? I’m here for you. And I always will be, even when no one else is.”

Eyes dropping to the couch, Katniss sniffled and hugged her own midsection. “Promise?”

“Yeah,” said Jo, pulling her back into the hug. She didn’t let go, and Katniss didn’t mind.

It was several minutes before Katniss broke the silence, murmuring into Jo’s shoulder. “I love you.”

Johanna could barely make out the words, muffled as they were. But she did. Swallowing hard, she squeezed Katniss tighter. “I love you too.”

Eventually Katniss broke down into another round of sobs, and this time she didn’t try to fight them off. Hot tears streamed down her face as she choked out how much she missed her father. Jo could do nothing to stem the tide even if she tried, and she didn’t. She had a feeling Katniss hadn’t had a chance to break down since he died, what with all the responsibility that had fallen on her shoulders.

When her eyes ran dry and she was left leaning on Jo for support, Jo eased herself back, drawing Katniss down onto the couch with her. Jo’s heart simultaneously broke and swelled when Katniss grabbed a fistful of her shirt, latching onto her the way she used to when she was little. Ghosting fingertips up and down her spine, Jo sang her a lullaby she remembered Mr. Everdeen singing to his daughters when they were babies. He had a beautiful voice.

Katniss eventually drifted off, her fist loosening and breathing turning rhythmic. Jo waited a few moments to be sure before pulling the blanket draped over the back of the couch down and onto them, swaddling them in warmth. She may have dozed off too, because she found herself blinking bewilderedly at the sound of the doorbell.

It didn’t even occur to Johanna who it must be, further evidence she may not have been fully awake. Trying not to jostle Katniss, she slowly wiggled out from under her. It didn’t matter anyway, Katniss was out like a light and didn’t stir at all until the doorbell rang a second time just as Jo was getting to her feet. Reacting to the girl’s fluttering eyelids, Jo planted a kiss on her forehead before going to the door.

Standing on the porch was one of the most bizarre-looking women Johanna had ever seen. Spring green suit, golden paisley neck scarf, a heavily made up face and bright pink hair. That last detail was just making Jo think she should go back to doing red highlights like she had as a kid when the woman spoke up. “Hello, are you Johanna?”

Cringing at the woman’s gratingly high and chipper tone, Jo demanded, “Who’s asking?”

“I’m Effie Trinket from the Ministry of Children and Family Development. I’m here to pick up Katniss and Primrose and take them to their temporary home.”

“They’re sleeping!” snapped Johanna, her mouth hanging open in shock. “Can’t you people just come back tomorrow?”

Effie pursed her lips. “No. We’ve found a placement for them across town, and the family is waiting.”

Jo’s eyelids fluttered as she absorbed this. “So they’ll be together?”

“Yes.”

Sighing in a mix of resignation and relief, Jo turned and tracked back to the living room. Easing herself into a squat beside the couch, she held off on waking Katniss for a few seconds, gazing at her face instead. It took much willpower to lift her hand and gently shake the girl’s shoulder, because she knew this was the last moment before her life got destroyed. Again.

“Katniss,” mumbled Johanna. The girl stirred but otherwise didn’t respond. “Katniss, open your eyes.”

When Katniss finally obeyed, the trepidation in her gaze told Jo she already knew. The apology in Jo’s expression must have confirmed it, because her lip quivered a little and she barely managed to whisper, “Don’t.”

“Someone’s here to get you,” Jo pushed out before she could lose her composure. “I’m sorry.”

“You said everything would be okay,” Katniss whispered lamely, staring up at Jo.

“I know,” gulped Johanna. “I didn’t know what would happen, if your mom would be okay to come back or…”

Katniss transformed before Jo’s eyes as she trailed off, gaze and resolve hardening in one long blink. “It’s not your fault,” she said blankly. “Is Prim awake yet?”

“No.”

Wiping her eyes, Katniss nodded and sat up. “Okay. I’ll tell her.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Jo told her, resting a hand on her knee.

Her gleaming charcoal eyes narrowed incredulously. “Of course I do! Who else is going to? You?” Katniss stalked away, pausing briefly at the foot of the stairs before ascending them on unsteady legs, keeping her jaw set tightly.

Not wanting to intrude during the private moment, Jo wandered back to the door where the woman stood waiting. Doing her best adult impression, she mumbled, “You want some tea or something?” It wasn’t a very good impression.

“I’m fine, thank you,” said Effie. “But if you could help the girls pack, keep them on track, that would be very helpful.”

“I can do that. How soon do they need to be ready?”

“The sooner the better,” the woman chirped with a smile that struck Jo as wildly inappropriate given the circumstances. “They don’t need to pack a lot - they’ll have a chance to come back and get more things if necessary, but it’s getting late.”

“All right. I’ll go hurry them up.” As she turned to retreat inside, Jo finally remembered her manners. They had never been her forte. “You can come in if you want,” she tossed over her shoulder on the way to the stairs.

Upstairs, she found a dazed-looking Prim packing a bag while Katniss encouraged her and laid things out for her on the bed. Catching the older sister’s eye from across the bed, she said, “Let me help Prim. You need to get your own bag ready.” Katniss narrowed her eyes and Jo quickly explained, “You don’t need a lot, but you need to be quick. The lady said you can come back and get more later.”

The look Katniss continued to give her made Johanna squirm. It was somehow both a dead-eyed stare and withering glare. Finally, Katniss grabbed the cat stuffie sitting on Prim’s pillow and placed it beside the bag on the bed. “Here, don’t forget Buttercup.” Then she rounded the bed and brushed by Jo without a word on the way to her own room.

Prim was distraught, but at least she was manageable. Shell shocked, but easily directed. Katniss had already done most of the work anyway, but Jo helped Prim pick out a few more things to stuff in her bag before guiding her downstairs and into the waiting car. When she went back into the house to get Katniss, she found her in the hallway with a backpack slung over her shoulder and a duffel bag at her feet, staring at a picture of her parents on their wedding day.

“Katniss?” Approaching slowly, Jo laid a tentative hand on her shoulder. She’d barely made contact before Katniss jerked away, whipping around to face her. Assuming she was just jumpy, Jo tried again, reaching in to tuck a tendril of hair behind her ear. “Hey…”

Katniss shook her head sharply, stepping back before Johanna could make contact. “Don’t. I can’t start crying again. I have to be strong for Prim.”

Chest suddenly cramping, Jo assured her, “You don’t have to be anything. You’re just a kid.”

“I’m almost twelve.”

“Exactly.”

Face blank as ever, Katniss stated, “Johanna, I’m all she has.” Then she squared her shoulders bravely, grabbed the bag and walked out the door, not looking back.

She did look back, though. After tossing her stuff in the trunk and closing it with finality, Katniss glanced back at the house. Then her gaze jumped to the girl standing on the curb and she visibly swallowed, her terror shining through for just a couple seconds. That was when Jo stepped in with a quiet “C’mere.” Katniss leaned into Jo and clung to her one last time, if only for a moment. Jo clung right back, struggling to keep her own panic under wraps. “I love you,” she whispered, palming Katniss’s head with one hand and rubbing the other up and down her back. “I love you so much.”

Katniss sniffled and pulled back, eyes on the ground. “Yeah. Thanks.”

Johanna’s throat was starting to swell, but she forced her voice to stay even as she gave the girl’s shoulder one last squeeze. “Call me, okay?”

“Yeah,” Katniss grunted with a curt nod, then she got in the car and closed the door behind her, immediately turning her attention to Prim. As the car pulled away, both girls looked back at her for a second, and Jo gave them a wave that she hoped didn’t look as helpless as it felt.

Stepping back into the empty house was surreal. Johanna didn’t quite feel like she was in her body as she wandered the shell of a home and took in all the signs of a life that had just ended. A damp dishtowel slung haphazardly over the stove handle in the kitchen. The wedding picture and a family photo from a couple years ago hanging in the hallway. The Nintendo console sitting abandoned on the living room floor. Johanna crouched and unplugged it, robotically put it back on its shelf. No sense leaving a mess.

There was no real reason for her to go upstairs other than her weird need to look at all the empty rooms. Later on, she reasoned maybe she’d been looking for some kind of closure, or some rhyme or reason to what happened. Or maybe it was curiosity, considering where she stopped first. Poking her head into Mr. And Mrs. – check that, Mrs. Everdeen’s bedroom, she found a patch of wet carpet and a stripped bed. Johanna wasn’t surprised, and in fact it allowed her an ironic smile. Of course Katniss already dealt with it. Little Miss Practicality. Little Miss Do Something to Avoid Feeling Something.

Prim’s room was the mess it always was; the chaotic minutes of packing a bag hadn’t done much to make it any worse. Barbies and Legos littered the floor, a carton of crayons laid open on a rumpled coloring book in the corner. Johanna spent a few minutes tidying, unsure whether her true motivation was to clean up the mess or to avoid the final bedroom. In hindsight, it was probably a bit of both.

Finally pushing open the door to Katniss’s room, Johanna sighed. She and Prim were polar opposites in so many ways, evidenced by her spotless and organized bedroom. Even her posters were hung straight, decidedly uncool for someone her age. Jo’s eyes floated over them. Buffy, Sonic, Mia Hamm, Evanescence, Halo 2. Gravitating to the bed, Johanna sat down with a view of the bookshelf. It mostly housed novels and sports trophies, but she felt a jolt in her stomach as her eyes settled on something else.

She must have stood back up, because next thing she knew she was standing by the bookshelf and gently picking up Mr. Grumps. The stern teddy stared back at her as coldly as his owner would in her worst moments. Johanna frowned, wondering how Katniss could have forgotten him. She reminded Prim to bring Buttercup, after all. And as much as Katniss considered herself basically a grown up, Jo knew she was still somewhat attached to Mr. Grumps. She’d caught her sleeping with him the odd time in recent years, though she knew better than to ever mention it. As she continued to stare into his eyes, it dawned on her. Katniss hadn’t forgotten him. She left him behind on purpose.

Squeezing the bear tight to her chest, Johanna sank back down on the bed. Hot tears welled up in her eyes and spilled over, dripping onto his matted fur. It didn’t matter. Katniss’s days of being a kid were officially over. Johanna sniffled and nuzzled the damp fur that smelled of dirt and Katniss. “She’ll be back for you, buddy,” she assured him resolutely. “She’ll be back for you.”

***

No one else seemed to understand the toll this upheaval took on Johanna. To be fair, even Johanna didn’t quite understand it. It almost felt like it was her own family that had been taken away. Maybe Mr. Everdeen was onto something when he said she was practically part of theirs. Not that it mattered, anyway. That family was ripped apart now.

When Johanna arrived home late that same evening, her mother greeted her at the door with a concerned expression. “How is everything over there?”

“Not good,” said Jo. “Their mom tried to kill herself.” Watching her mother’s face fall in horror, she added, “Yeah. And they’re putting them in foster care.”

Mrs. Mason shook her head. “Those poor kids. First their father, and now this.” Johanna nodded glumly as she kicked off her shoes. “Have you heard how she’s doing?”

“Mrs. Everdeen?” Her mother nodded. “No idea. The woman who came to pick them up didn’t say anything about that. I didn’t even think to ask. Don’t know why.”

“You were probably overwhelmed. And more worried about the kids. It was your job to take care of them, after all.”

“Yeah, and I did a great job,” Jo muttered bitterly. All she’d ever wanted was to keep those kids safe and happy, and she’d failed. Some things were just not in her control. Not the explosion, or their mom’s mental health, or where they got sent next…

Suddenly, Johanna perked up. “Mom, do you think we could take care of them?”

“Honey,” Mrs Mason began.

“Why not?” protested Jo. “You get money for it.”

“It takes time to apply to do all that. They could well be back home by then. Besides, all my kids have just grown up. I don’t think I can handle any more.”

Jo planted her hands on her hips. “She’s my friend.”

“Yeah, and she’s going to be with someone who can take care of her now, let her worry about being a kid instead of running a family,” reasoned Mrs. Mason.

Jo’s eyelids fluttered as she absorbed this. “Wait, you knew?”

Her mother sighed. “I knew Paula didn’t have her shit together and was mostly leaving them to fend for themselves. Good thing Katniss is as mature and independent as she is, or they could have gotten taken away a lot sooner.”

“Katniss said she wasn’t going to work,” mumbled Jo.

“And when she did, she was pretty useless.” Mrs. Mason’s brow creased in thought. “She was just fired last week. That might have had something to do with it.”

Johanna scoffed in disbelief. Tears seeped into her voice as she spat, “Well I hope your boss feels great about himself, because now my oldest friend is gone.”

“Johanna-”

“Just leave me alone,” snapped Jo as she stormed away. “You don’t care.”

Deep down, she knew she wasn’t being fair, but she was too upset to admit it or to care how her outbursts affected others. Her mother wasn’t the only victim. When Blight found her sulking in the cafeteria at lunch the next day and asked if she was okay, she went off on him too.

“My mom’s coworker tried to kill herself yesterday, and I had to go over and watch the kids,” she explained. Her throat threatening to close on her again, she swallowed hard. “They took them away.”

Blight blinked curiously. “The kids you babysit?”

Jo choked out a painful half sob. “Yeah. The kids I babysit.” Realizing this was the only context she had ever given Blight for why this would upset her made her feel even worse about herself. Isn’t that what she had called Katniss? ‘Just one of the kids I babysit’? Shame didn’t even begin to describe what she felt.

“Hey,” Blight said, attempting to comfort her with a hand on her shoulder. “It’ll be okay. You’ll find another job.”

Jo’s eyes snapped up and bored into his. All the anger she had been directing inward now boiled to the surface, and she was overcome by an overwhelming urge to slap him. She didn’t, though. That would have been a great way to get suspended and grounded. Instead she growled, “Jackass.”

As she stormed away, Blight called after her in confusion. “Jo? Johanna, wait!”

Johanna didn’t wait. And though she apologized later and attempted to explain, she and Blight didn’t last long after that. It wasn’t his fault, but she lost interest in a lot of things in the midst of the emotional upheaval, including him. Her heart had never been in it the way she thought it should have been, anyway.

Weeks went by, and Katniss never called. Johanna dropped by the house several times in hopes their mom would be there, but no one was ever home. No one at the Ministry would give her any information. She wasn’t family, after all. Months went by. Eventually she stopped perking up at the sound of the phone, stopped asking her mom if she’d heard anything. She had no way of finding Katniss, and Katniss didn’t want to be found. She was gone.

[vermiculated]

books 2017 finale

this is almost brief. 

december: The Lying Game - Ruth Ware Every Heart A Doorway - Seanan McGuire Saving Morgan - MB Panichi Call Me By Your Name - Andre Aciman City of Fallen Angels - Cassandra Clare City of Lost Souls - Cassandra Clare (see below) Barry Lyndon - William Thackeray Into Thin Air - John Krakauer

that was the brief part, this is the ‘almost’ part. 279 for the year, up from 188 last year. 

Why Did I Ever - Mary Robison fiction, re-read, it is a delight always. 

Binti - Nnedi Okorafor fiction, I read a couple of other interesting explorations of "what does it mean when I am more like the monster than the hero?" which is pretty astoundingly generative as a genre, this was my fave. Binti herself explores two alien cultures, and reacts in practical ways to the unexpected, which is always a delight in a heroine. Space is strange; let us not dwell on realism, it's a different real. This willingness to abandon what does not work is characteristic of young women. Young women are great sff protagonists, and young women of historically-disadvantaged backgrounds who are incontestably heroic are the greatest sff protagonists of all. 

The Thrilling Adventures of Lovelace and Babbage - Sydney Padua art, complex and excitingly rich alternative history, which not only explains computing history but also, at the last page, yanks at the heart of anyone who has ever yearned. The art is propulsive and antic, and the visual puns are very good. (not to be missed: the encounter with Queen Victoria!) Even I, a person who is bad at reading graphic novels, loitered over the drawings to understand them rather than reading the words and flipping the page. 

IQ - Joe Ide fiction, what Sherlock Holmes would actually be like in a modern novel. A loner in a big important city who feels that he has much to make up for, check the convincing depiction of depression, and the real nightmares who actually do fall short in the world's estimation, except that the world is too busy to notice them at all. The main thread is a fun romp, and the minor characters are so exquisite that it is almost a picaresque. I was talking about this loudly on a train, and when I and it stopped, a man came up to me and asked if I could give him the title again as he wanted to buy it. TRUE. 

Hild - Nicola Griffith fiction, on the recommendation of @inclineto This is what historical fiction should be like: it's not that this was somehow better than everything else, it was merely relevatory. Historical fiction can be about religion, power, families, war and how to card wool. (You don't have to pick if you are an inside or outside person! Girls, you can be both Thayet and Buri!) The protagonist can be cheerfully bisexual, too. It's as though all of the novels we have determinedly pretended were about gals being in love with other gals came true, and also the heroine gutted bad guys and was eventually canonized. 

Everything is Teeth - Evie Wyld and Joe Sumner art, teeth were a big theme this year (as ever) and this is the one where a) no one talks about the shameful inequalities in provision of dental care to children in the United States and b) no one fucks a fish. just letting the distinguished reader know that I have a selection process for what I read, I can see how that might not be clear. I would be delighted to talk about a) and b) mentioned here, or anything else I read this year. 

Water Dogs - Lewis Robinson fiction, re-read, always always. the person who loves novels about well-off and unusual families falling apart in opulent squalor either literal or metaphoric and maybe murder? that person is tuv. Inexplicably, no part of this was ever published in The New Yorker. 

Margaret the First - Danielle Dutton fiction, on the recommendation of @elanormcinerney  The subgenre of “garrulous historical person in his or her own words" is becoming something of a crowded field (Ruth Scurr's book on/with John Aubrey is the other best entrant, there are others) and the artistry involved in this example is particularly fulfilling. This is smart and I remembered all the stuff about science and poetry that Arts & Letters Daily is always trying to teach me. That's why to read women, among other reasons. The smarts. 

Blood in the Water - Heather Ann Thompson non-fiction, persistent mismanagement, gross racism, and inadequate communication turn out not to be the way to run an organization. This is really a masterpiece of microhistory, about the Attica Prison Uprising, and the ways in which people in power blind themselves to consequences of their actions, while the people who suffer the consequences of those actions suffer and continue to suffer.  

See Under: Love - David Grossman trans Betsy Rosenberg fiction, goes well with the Quay Brothers' "Street of Crocodiles," while we are talking about Bruno Schulz. I read parts of it in my head to the neighbors' dog. the dog understood. my voice would have shredded with sadness if I had spoken. thanks, Astro, for being there. 

Sarong Party Girls - Cheryl Lu-Lien Tan fiction, this is the novel that Kevin Kwan isn't tough enough to have written. It's about how grown-ups deal with the consequences of their actions, and also about drinking with pals. A person can be both of those things, and Jazzy is that, and more. 

Emotionally Weird - Kate Atkinson fiction, a strong taste for the picaresque, and a crystalline capture of youthful aimlessness and disorder even as it is being shaped by larger forces. Effie wanders through words and life, and I had a wonderful time with this one summer afternoon. No one else appears to have much liked this book, other people are wrong, it's funny. It is profoundly show-offy and unrelateable to play parlor games in the car, say book reviewers with terrible personalities -- sounds like someone lost a game of fives recently. (I’m very good at the game of fives, and I did not quite feel personally criticized when this book was unpopular, if only because I have my expertise at ‘name five mountaineers who did not climb Mount Everest’ to console me.)

A Line Made By Walking - Sara Baume fiction, I just really love books about depressed women acting as they see fit. 

Chemistry - Weike Wang fiction, I just really love books about depressed women acting as they see fit. 

The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue - Mackenzi Lee fiction, recommended by @mysharkwillgoon see "Hild" above, books are just better when the main character solves problems and kisses everyone. This is how historical romances should be, this is what we have all received for those years of crossing our fingers under the cover of a Heyer and hoping 'maybe he'll love his best friend! maybe she'll tell her cousin what she really thinks!" and they DO. and then they escape from pirates, “The Monk,” and robbers.  

Raven Rock - Garrett Graff non-fiction, read this first and then think about how we all got from there to a study of underground bunkers and the places where some of us were going to go when the rest of us died. Offutt AFB is along the way, which only served to remind me that I have family in Nebraska and I live in fear of the day when one of them does some casual genealogy and we have to talk; "so. your state. big in the planning for our forthcoming and yet reucrring nuclear crisis, howdoes that feel? feels powerful and also sickening, yeah? anyway, your great-aunt's ashes aren't scattered in the Lincoln Tunnel, but we thought about it."  

The Art of Charlie Chan Hock Chye - Sonny Liew art, here is what we are up against. The theme this year appears to have been "weeping at what could have been." This is a first rate textbook, and a cunning subversion of the whole notion of textbooks. I learned a great deal from this; had I learned nothing, my eye would still have wandered along, marvelling at the layout. There are several overlapping stories about narrative, success, and Singaporean history, yet the metatextuality (horrible word, apologies) is never confrontational. Which is truly a pleasure. 

The Story of a Brief Marriage - Anuk Arudpragasam fiction, this is the book I've been telling everyone about as my fave book on the year. Only the most literary of adjectives will suffice: brutal, lyrical, lambent, noctilucent, I'm just typing words. 

The Unwomanly Face of War - Sveltana Alexievich trans Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky non-fiction, more incisive than more recent collections, and in a shimmering translation. Pevear and Volokhonsky have tossed words out like diamonds on black velvet. The rare wartime history that is more appealing without a map. 

City of Lost Souls - Cassandra Clare oh give me a fucking break, Jonathan nee Sebastian brainwashed Jace nee whatever while they were in the magical flying Gormenghast pied a terre, they absolutely schtupped. 

[habibialkaysani]

tag meme take two

I was tagged by @jeffersonjaxson - thank you babe :)

1. what was the first fandom you remember being a part of?

harry potter. I joined it when I was about 13, embarrassingly for the hinny fandom, and left it at about seventeen when I was at my peak shipping the weasley-potter cousins together, lol.

2. who would your Dream Team of characters be?

laurel lance, iris west, amaya jiwe and james olsen. the unappreciated and badly treated faves of mine.

3. what is your opinion on AUs?

I used to avoid them at all costs when I considered canon this sacred thing that I could never go against. but since I started learning to criticise canon things have changed, a lot. also I’ve realised multiple earths can exist, which means aus can be canon-compliant, technically. and I also have such a weakness for soulmate and coffee shop aus.

4. favourite potential ship. you know the one where one half died or left before they could become a THING, but in your heart they were/should have been.

LAURYSSA. they were going to be canon but then idk exactly why but they changed their minds and I will forever be bitter because they were literal soulmates. also laurel’s not dead nope

5. fave poly ship/ot3s?

MERLANCEQUEEN. I could write a freaking novel about their funtimes as young adults.

also westhallen, killerflashvibe, killervibestorm, atomic hawkmates, smoaking canarrow, smoaking flarrow, westallenqueen, constancanarrow.

6. are you the head, heart, or hands? how much do personality tests fit you?

head or heart, probably. personality tests hardly ever fit me tbh.

7. odd habit or thing you do?

according to you I swallow pills weirdly because I drink the water first and then take the pill. which I did not think was wrong?

8. favourite Dead Character

tommy merlyn. my MAN. I miss him. 

9. fave thing you’ve ever written/giffed/stanned?

maybe the chase, an earth-7 lauryssa fic, because I love writing green arrow dinah. it’s the best thing ever. and I know it didn’t get much love but I really enjoyed writing and all I want is that you extend your hand to me (nsfw) because smoaking canarrow rocks my socks.

I like this lot one and this olicity one (nsfw) because I just think the lyrics/verse goes really well with the images.

10. notps? (go off y’all)

I’m too exhausted to say much, but k@ramel is the most vile ship ever and I hate it with every fibre of my being tbh. she hated his guts and so did we. why they decided to have her tell him she loved him when he literally called her arrogant and full of herself and she called him a fucking dudebro I have no clue. it makes me so angry that they threw away karolsen - a healthy and beautiful and wholesome interracial ship - in favour of this garbage.

11. Hollywood Chris ranking.

I honestly can’t think of a single film I’ve seen any of the chrises in, and that’s me being serious. (I know. I can’t believe it either) let’s see - probably hemsworth, pine, evans, pratt.

I’ve already done my share of the questions, but if anyone wants to answer these questions and say I tagged them, feel free!