#also the sun is so low now that it never gets into my apartment Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[inkskinned]

it is the first snow today. i think we should all have off work, even though it didn't stick. i think there should be 4 national holidays, one for each season. happy first snow, go home and make cookies. for spring it can be the first crocus. for summer the first lightning bug. for autumn, the first golden leaf. go home, kiss your dog, feed your cat (who is absolutely already-fed but somehow still starving.)

i think we should all take more showers together, but i mean that in the soft way. i mean it like taking a nap. two years ago i had 5 adult friends in my queen bed, all of us laying across each other, head over belly over thigh over hand. any time one of us would giggle, it would ripple over each of us, like pulling on a spiderweb. kim actually needed to nap and didn't get to sleep and i am still sorry for it even though this is one of my most precious memories.

i think we should all wash each other's hair, i mean. i walk my dog and i watch someone put up twinkle lights around their front porch. alex and i just moved, and i love the neighborhood. already so many of our new neighbors have stopped by to say hello. the nice lady downstairs also collects plants, like me. she gave us her number on a pink post-it note. i am trying to decide whether to make her cookies or brownies.

i am going through a very hard time. something bad happened this weekend that i do not wish to discuss. it is hanging over me. i think of the green ribbon, and the woman who had her throat cut. it feels like that sometimes, inside of my body. like i am walking and talking despite being half-corpsed. like i am hanging on by a ribbon, standing on some kind of cusp. i keep saying - at least it wasn't worse. we are so lucky it wasn't worse. the idea is river-rock smooth now, all the edges worried off.

in this very dark night - the sun sets by 3 now - people don't need to, but they try anyway. they paint the missing light into things. i have an embarrassing number of missed calls and texts, but i feel the love from them nevertheless - hey. if you need something, i'm here. i will bring you food/puzzles/anything. i got you.

i think we should all have a big group chat where we do errands with strangers. this week i got lost in a home depot, which is wild because i'm a lesbian and we are actually hatched in a lowe's lumber section. there were two other women in the whole store. we ended up shopping together, at first by accident (we all needed things in the same aisle), and then because, well, why not. one of the ladies was taller than me, so she pulled down the screws i needed. i am agile and have the personality of a raccoon, so they sent me after anything below 3 feet. we talked about holiday plans and never learned each other's names, but did learn all the drama about each other's families.

i am making you cupcakes, because i have so much affection i want to pour it into batter. you ask me if i am eating enough per meal. i wrap your gift twice, trying to do it prettily. i get excited to give it to you, just because i hope you'll be excited too.

my parents drive an hour just to see the new apartment and to do the parent thing; standing in the kitchen saying things like "oh you'll get so much use from this dishwasher" and "well, you could paint that" and "when your mother and i moved it was uphill both ways and in a snowstorm and of course your brother was an infant." my mother brought me a plant for housewarming. i always say i love you before she leaves.

i play dnd on tuesdays still, after all these years. we all keep that night free. at one point, between grad school and marriage and all of it, we had to have a serious discussion about how to keep it running. we will keep going, we decided eventually. just to see each other, even if we don't play - you are all important to me. sebastian is not prone to affection but last night he stole my usual sign off - i love you all, be good, he said. he was laughing.

i don't love the winter, actually. i like snow in theory, but i grew up in the north, and am too-familiar with the season of "mud and sludge". i don't like being cold. but i do love something kind of soft and rare: every year around this time, people remember oh yes. you and i are human together. and i have love to spare.

it is the first snow, and something in my heart is finally warm again. i have spent what felt like the last 18 months just going-through-the-motions. it has felt blank and immediate, like i would never actually feel again. that sounds extremely trite and stupid - but that is the boring and familiar experience of depression. life just washes up against your windows, and you watch it happening. you see things that should be lovely and affecting, and it just whispers too-thin. i was desperately uncreative. uninterested in my hobbies. unimpressed by my writing. i told my therapist, often, i don't know how to find hope again.

almost sheepishly, something strange and lovely is burning in my chest. i keep not-looking at it, worried it will scamper back into the shadows again. it is skittish and wild, but it is so warm i want to sink my hands into its fur and feel it breathing. i love-hate it: if it's real, it can hurt me when it leaves again. but i am icarus-born, sun-lover and poet: i can't help myself. despite my best intentions, i am falling in love with life again.

i am planning to make cookies for my friends. alex and i are going to go christmas tree shopping. we picked out matching dish towels last night, and they have little mushrooms on them.

i love you. it does come back. yes, even after a long time. even for you. i promise. keep trying. you will wake up and it will be a day you can smile about.

write me when you get there. we will take the day off of work, and i will wash your hair, and we will both be laughing.

[fourorchid]

“Obedient Thing”

— Chapter 1 —

Description: The monotony of your day to day life as a lab assistant is suddenly interrupted upon meeting Viktor, a researcher at the academy, who has a gaze that pulls you apart and knows exactly how to piece you back together. His voice, his actions—they’re dizzying, frustrating—but madly addictive. Curiosity and happenstance seem to render you incapable of avoiding him as you come to terms with the newfound feelings he’s unintentionally (or maybe intentionally) stirred within you.

Chapter Index:

Chapter 1 (here)

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

— Viktor x fem!Reader | ~2.1K —

Disclaimer: I wrote this on a whim as an introduction to a plot I came up with for a Viktor fic and I’d love to continue it if people are interested! I wouldn’t call myself a writer by any means and this is also my first attempt at writing something of this nature—but regardless, I hope you enjoy ~

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The low-hanging glow of dusk casts soft shadows across the street as you walk towards the academy. You go over what Jayce had asked you to pick up from the lab—his two notebooks and the instrument filled with your latest experiment’s data.

“I’m sorry, I ran out of time and the numbers need to be recorded in the books before testing on Monday—would you mind grabbing them and doing it over the weekend?”

You recall Jayce’s voice asking sweetly over the phone—a voice you quickly realized is very hard to say “no” to. You told Jayce you were exhausted and would get it tomorrow but he insisted you retrieve them now. “Please, just to be safe,” he pleaded. Although you were unsure how Jayce managed to overlook this—and how his oversight landed on you to resolve—ultimately, you obliged.

So now you find yourself at your place of work, walking up the two flights of stairs that lead to the lab on what was supposed to be a relaxing Friday evening after a long week.

This was the life of an assistant—rather tedious, being at someone else’s beck and call, and more often than not you’re treated as an afterthought. But it was stable and predictable, so you deem the trade off fair.

Your heels click as you walk up to the familiar door. You plunge your key into the handle before realizing the latch was already unlocked. With a soft turn of the knob, you enter the lab. The sun has now nearly set providing little light from the window. Your eyes quickly move to a different source of light coming from the work bench deeper into the room. A lithe figure sat working, turning promptly at your entrance. His features were sharp, his gaze inspecting but not necessarily with judgement as he moves to face you.

“Hello—I’m sorry, I didn’t realize anyone was still here. I just need to grab something,” you explain politely.

“Of course,” He replies. His voice is deep with a subtle accent, his tone formal.

You move to Jayce’s desk and begin sifting through the piles of notes and research. After multiple minutes, you realize you cannot seem to find the notebooks he mentioned. Even with Jayce’s usual messiness, locating something was never this difficult. You let out a soft huff in confusion. The other man turns to look at you recognizing the sounds of frustration all too well.

“What is it that you are looking for?”

As he speaks, you are unsure whether he wants to be helpful or if he’s trying to figure you out—maybe both.

“Oh, um—Dr. Talis asked me to pick up a few notebooks—but I, uh, can’t seem to find them,” your tone is perplexed as you return to shuffling through his desk.

The man stands up from his spot, leaning on the cane in his hand. He takes a second to process before speaking again.

“One red and one blue?” He takes a guess referencing the exact notebooks you are looking for. “Yes, those are the ones—have you seen them?” you ask as you continue your futile search.

His footsteps on the floor are echoed by his cane as he walks a few paces closer.

“Jayce had them in his hand when he left earlier,” he replies, his tone matter-a-fact but also questioning.

You turn to look at the man, entirely lost. Something about Jayce’s request starts to feel…off.

“Really? That can’t be right,” you say, confusion settling on your face as you return your focus to the mess of papers and books on the desk. The man let out a deep exhale as he brought his hand up, pinching the bridge of his nose—seemingly having come to a realization.

“But it is,” He affirms with a soft sigh, dropping his arm back to his side.

“Maybe he forgot then,” you try to understand but something’s not adding up.

“I’m afraid he did not,” The man takes a few steps closer now standing behind you as he continues to clarify in a way that only leaves you with more questions. “He knows he didn’t leave them here.”

You turn, leaning your back against the rumpled desk to observe the man as he speaks in breadcrumbs. You feel like you’re missing the piece of the puzzle that completes the picture—and the man standing in front of you seems to have it.

“Are you saying he just sent me here to haze me?” You joke but your delivery remains reserved.

“No, no, Jayce is not cruel—just meddlesome,” the man cocks his head to the side, his expression curious as he scans your features.

“He wanted you to find something else—” the man connects the dots for you, his tone deep and a bit gravelly as he speaks, “—to find me.” He finishes, unamused with the prospect. Viktor recounts the subtle grin on Jayce’s face earlier as he had told him he would be working late through the evening, the man’s reaction suddenly making more sense now.

You are utterly lost. “Why?” You respond, unsure of what Jayce’s motive would be for sending you to the lab under false pretenses just to see this man that you don’t even know. “What would he be trying to accomplish in doing so?” you add skeptically.

“He is trying to play matchmaker, is what he’s doing.” The man answers simply. You don’t know how to respond. You chuckle nervously at the thought.

“I’m sorry—and why would he do that?” You pause before adding, “Did you know about this?” Your tone is a bit more standoffish and accusatory than you intended due to your revelation at being manipulated. At this point you just want an explanation, niceties be damned.

“No, I assure you, I had nothing to do with this—” the man gestures with his free hand between you and the notebook-less desk. “But he has mentioned you to me before on a few occasions—seems to think we would be ‘good together,’ so to speak.” The man in front of you is unfazed and straightforward as he explains, “And thinks he’s helping when he’s most certainly not.” He taps his cane against the floor softly as he readjusts his tall frame against it. His eyes slowly travel over you, taking in your appearance and your demeanor as he finishes speaking.

“I’m sorry—I’m not sure what to say,” you admit with a dry, halfhearted laugh at the absurdity of the situation. The man’s gaze makes you feel as though you’ve been placed under a microscope—exposed and waiting.

“It’s quite alright, really. You didn’t know, it’s Jayce who should apologize for such a ludicrous plan.” He breaks from surveying you, returning to look at your face as he responds casually.

There’s a beat of tense silence as you still are registering what this man in front of you has revealed. The conversation at hand is beyond small talk and you realize you still don’t know his name.

“I don’t even know your name,” you admit, still a bit miffed but your tone is weaker than before. An almost imperceptible smile makes its way across the man’s face as he seems to find your reaction intriguing.

“It’s Viktor,” his voice is deep and smooth as he answers. His eyes almost seem to glow in the dimly-lit lab; intimidating yet inviting at the same time. They narrow as he appraises you.

“How old are you, Miss y/n?” Viktor muses, his eyes never leaving yours as he awaits your response.

You know you aren’t obligated to stay and entertain this conversation—you could just excuse yourself politely now having cleared up the misunderstanding; but something about the man in front of you compels you to stay. You find it frustrating and a bit concerning but curiosity—as it often does—gets the best of you.

“24,” you reveal, a bit unsure where this new line of questioning is headed. A faint look of surprise flits over Viktor’s features as he hears your answer. “Why, how old are you?” You return the question.

“35.” he states simply.

“Oh, um—that’s a decent age difference,” you point out now more unnerved. “Why would Jayce try to set you and I up together if he knew that?”

Viktor seems to know the answer but isn’t sure how you will take it. He takes a few steps closer to you again, stopping just a couple feet from where you stand, his gaze fixed on you.

"It's because I prefer a certain...type." Viktor offers a vague explanation that leaves you on the edge.

“What? Younger?” You ask, slightly horrified by the notion. A small chuckle rumbles through Viktor’s chest as he clarifies. “No, not exactly,” he chooses his words more carefully as he continues, “It’s more about the kind of….personality I tend to go for.”

The room begins to feel warmer, you do your best to ignore the feeling. “Which is?” you try to get him to be more specific.

He looked you over slowly before deciding whether or not to tell you.

"Submissive."

He spoke the word carefully but with intent, clearly not wanting to make you uncomfortable but also testing the waters.

You swallow as the word reaches you—not exactly what you were expecting.

“Oh really?” you scoff softly, “Is that the impression I give off?” your tone becomes defiant. The corners of Viktor’s mouth turn up ever so slightly in an understated display of amusement.

Suddenly, he leans forward making up for the height difference between you two as he gently places his free hand under your chin, tilting your face up slightly so he could make eye contact as he speaks.

"Well, don't be so sure. I have a pretty good eye for these things." His voice is a coaxing and low rumble as he speaks.

You find yourself unsure of how to respond, clearly more affected by Viktor’s action than you expected as you feel heat crawl up your neck. His touch sends a shockwave through your body of…anxiety? excitement? frustration? desire? You can’t quite tell—all you know is that whatever it is has you unable to think straight. You avert your gaze for a moment of reprieve. Viktor gently pulls your chin up as he speaks firmly.

“Look at me.”

Despite your better judgement, you find yourself having a hard time disobeying. Before really registering it, you return your gaze to Viktor’s. You feel the same sensation as you did earlier; exposed and expectant as he studies you.

He smirked, noticing the change in your expression when you returned to look at to him. He held your chin for a few moments, his eyes locked on yours as he spoke again.

"There you go. That's better."

The low warmth of his voice as it vibrates from his chest with subtle praise causes your heart rate to jump. His gaze flicks down to your lips and back up to your eyes again, as if memorizing each feature individually.

Suddenly, you feel Viktor remove his hand from your chin. He takes a step back to allow you to regain your bearings. He observes you closely, taking note of your body language and flushed appearance. You feel your breathing has become a bit shallower now too. A hint of satisfaction washes over his features at what he’s managed to make of you from such a simple gesture.

"It's as I thought." He affirms, crossing his hands over the top of his cane. He let his eyes run over you again, studying the way your chest visibly rose and fell as you breathed.

All at once, the stretching walls and tall ceiling of the lab somehow manage to feel suffocatingly small. Your cheeks burn and you wish nothing more than to be able to come up with something clever to quip back, but the synapses in your brain have been short-circuited and rewired.

You let out a wavering breath as you finally find your ability to speak.

“Well, it’s getting late—I should be going.” Your voice is flat and sterile as you try to compensate for how affected you still feel. Viktor, seemingly having returned to his earlier demeanor as if none of that just happened, speaks nonchalantly but the look in his eyes betrays something more intense.

“Of course, of course,” he nods cordially, “I apologize for Jayce’s…antics.”

You nod, accepting Viktor’s apology on Jayce’s behalf—ugh, Jayce—you feel your jaw tighten as you make a mental note to confront him about this nonsense later. You turn your attention back to the man in front of you.

“Goodnight, Viktor,” you say, your voice taut as you move to leave the lab. You feel his eyes trace your movements as you walk out the door.

“Goodnight, y/n.” Viktor replies, his voice low as your name rolls off his tongue in an almost purr.

You swiftly close the door to the lab behind you. At the click of the latch, you let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding.

As you walk back home, you are left with the sound of your tense breathing and a headache’s worth of thoughts swirling in your head. You can’t help but replay the interaction over and over again as you try to make sense of the feelings it had stirred within you.

A switch had been flipped—one that you didn’t quite understand, let alone know existed in yourself.

All you do know is who flipped it.

The man in the lab with a calculating gaze and a velvet-wrapped voice. The man who can see things others don’t, who has a penchant for pushing the envelope—whose name was Viktor.

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[astraljedi]

you're a mansion with a view (Matt Murdock Imagine)

Summary: You are a growing food content creator on social media and since you moved in with Matt, the kitchen is being put to good used with your constant cooking/working on new recipes or videos for your social media platforms. And sometimes Matt pops up in videos trying the recipe and giving his feedback.

Pairing: Matt Murdock x Female latina reader

Warnings: Sexual content, light smut, P in V, 18+ content. But it's mostly sweet and cute

Word Count: 2.9k

Song: Delicate by Taylor Swift

A/N: I've had this idea for a couple of days and when I saw someone request something sweet and mundane for Matt, I just had to do it. I also took the liberty to make the reader latina, especially after watching ep. 3 of Born Again *sobs*. The coqui singing and the sound of waves crashing broke my heart so much. Let me know what you think, feedback is always appreciated ❤️ -

Long night with your hands up in my hair Echoes of your footsteps on the stairs Stay here, honey, I don't wanna share

I was never a morning person. I used to hate waking up early, before the sun even showed up. But since moving in with Matt, I’ve started to see mornings differently. It’s the one time we can be tangled up in the sheets, alone, before the chaos of the day starts.

Matt’s alarm goes off a few minutes before he actually needs to get up. He turns it off, and I stir on his chest, already half awake. “Good morning,” he mumbles, his voice thick with sleep. His arm slips under my shirt, his hand gently roaming the skin of my back.

I used to hate being touched, but now I crave it in a way I didn’t know I could. I lift my chin, searching for his lips in the dark, the sun still hidden behind the sea. His lips meet mine, and I rest my palm against his scruffy jaw. His hand on my back slides up to the back of my neck, pulling me closer, holding me there.

It’s lazy, but it’s still a kiss with hunger lingering beneath it. He slips his tongue in to meet mine, his body shifting so that I’m pressed into the mattress, and he hovers over me.

“Matt,” I sigh as his lips wander down to my jaw, his hand fully covering one of my breasts. I arch my back, melting into his touch.

“Honey,” he murmurs, his lips now on my chest. “Join me in the shower.”

He doesn’t have to ask. He doesn’t need to order me. I was already on my feet with him trailing behind me.

In the shower, my back presses against the cool tile, one leg wrapped around Matt’s waist as he moves with that same slow, steady rhythm that always drives me insane. I cling to him, the pleasure buzzing through me. I didn’t want to let go, I need him, I want to be surrounded and held by him like this every moment of the day. 

My head falls back with a sigh, his name slipping from my lips. “Please,” I whisper, breathless, “harder, baby.”

He leans in, lips brushing mine, his breath warm even as the cold water splashes on us. “God forbid a man tries to savor a moment with his girlfriend before work,” he teases, and I let out a half-laugh that melts into a moan the second he shifts and hits that spot perfectly.

“That’s it, baby. Let go,” he groans, kissing me hard.

My whole body shudders as I fall apart in his arms. My legs shaking as he holds me through it, one hand gripping my waist without stopping his sloppy pace. A second later, he follows with a low, shaky moan, buried against my neck, his body trembling with release.

The air is so hot and heavy that the cold water barely does anything to cool us down. 

“I love you,” I murmur, pressing a soft and gentle kiss to his shoulder. His hands trail up from my hips, one of them resting on my cheek like he needs to feel my face to believe I’m still here.

I grab the body wash and start gently working it over his skin, my hands gliding across his shoulders and chest. He sighs quietly, relaxing into my touch. 

“Turn,” I say softly, and he does, slow and trusting. I massage the soap into his back, letting the familiar, warm scent of his body wash fill the air around us. When I guide him under the water, the citrus and cedar notes come through and fill the shower.

“Let me do you,” he says, searching  for the bottle of my body wash on the shelf. 

“Absolutely not,” I laugh, pulling his hand away. “If you touch me again, you’re going to be late for work.”

His mouth quirks into a crooked devilish smile. “It’s worth it.”

“You can pamper me tonight,” I say, placing the towel in his hand before guiding him out of the shower.

I take a quick shower, letting the cold water splash over me to help wake me up from the haze Matt never fails to leave me in. I brush my teeth quickly after stepping out of the shower and then join him in our shared walk-in closet. When I walk, Matt is already half-dressed.

My hands find his bare torso immediately, the smooth, clean skin of his lower back beneath my fingertips as I lean in close. He shivers slightly at the touch, and I smile, running my hands down a little further before grabbing one of my tennis skirts, the matching bra, and a long-sleeve jacket from the drawer beside him.

“If you keep touching me like that, we won’t make it out of this bedroom,” Matt warns, teasing me with my own words from earlier. “And you apparently want me out of the apartment so eagerly.”

“It’s not like that, Murdock,” I roll my eyes, a soft smile tugging at my lips. “If it were up to me, I’d have you in that bed all day. Cook for you, spoil you, whatever you want me to do. I don’t know how, but you’ve got complete power over me, Matt.”

He grins with a wicked glint in his eyes, tilting his head amused as Matt steps closer. His fingers brush my wrist, tracing the soft skin before he grabs it, pulling me hard into his chest. His other hand slides up to my neck, his grip tightening enough to send a shiver through my body before he lets go. “I’ll make sure to use that power wisely.” 

I watch him as he runs the back of his hand over the shirts hanging in the closet until he picks one and throws it on like nothing happened. My heart pounds in my chest rapidly, my breath caught in my throat as I try to calm down in the same spot he left me dazed.

I feel the rush of arousal building up as the feeling of Matt’s hand linger on my neck and Matt acts like he doesn’t hear or feel me trying to calm down my heaving chest. I get dressed while my mind is swirling with the things we could be doing instead if he called off work. 

In the kitchen, I brew some coffee and pour it into Matt’s mug, adding a splash of cream and stirring it gently. I place the mug on the counter and pull out the lunchbox I bought him a few weeks ago. It’s a sleek, black, insulated lunch box that has that professional style on the outside. 

I pack the homemade overnight oats with cinnamon and berries I made last night for a video with a light turkey wrap with some veggies, and a small bowl of fruit. 

On the top, I added a small dish of tiramisu for Kirsten with a tiny handwritten note that says: Don’t even think about it, this is for Kirsten. You have your own back at the apartment. 

"I threw in a container of tiramisu for Kirsten in your bag." I mention, knowing he will completely ignore me until he sees the note on the dish. 

"You’re already her favorite person. No need to make the competition harder, honey."

"Well, if you showed up on time and didn’t disappear on her so often, maybe you could have a chance of being her favorite." Matt snorts before taking a sip of his coffee, making me smile.

"Where’s the fun in that?" He finishes his coffee and places the mug in the sink. "Are you filming today?"

"Yeah, but I also need to stop by the market. Need anything?"

"You’re the head chef in this house, you tell me." He grabs his cane and glasses from the small table by the door.

"Somebody woke up acting like a class clown." I chuckle, smoothing the fabric of his jacket once he put it on. "Go give the other lawyers a hard time, Murdock. Try not to piss off the judges or Kirsten today." I press a kiss on his lips.

"That isn’t my style, baby." He smirks. "Love you."

“Love you too,” I shake my head laughing as I close the door. 

I walk over to the record player and put on my favorite vinyl. It takes about fifteen minutes to set up the tripod, camera, and lights in the kitchen for my usual filming setup. Once everything’s ready, I hit the record button and lean back against the counter, the NYC skyline glowing behind me.

“Today we’re doing a different spin on my private chef series,” I start, talking to the camera. “Instead of creating a five-course meal for a celebrity of your choice, we’re doing one for my boyfriend, Matt.” I smile. “Since you guys have been asking for it nonstop, I figured I’d surprise him tonight—and you’re coming along with me for the prep.”

I pause the recording and move the camera to a new angle, now filming me sitting on the kitchen island, scribbling in the notebook Matt got me with the rest of the stationery set when I moved in. “I sort of already have a rough idea for the five courses, but one thing I know for sure is that dessert's gonna be helado de coco. He finished the tub I made last time and he’s been obsessed with it lately.”

I write down a layout of the five courses and scribble down helado de coco in the dessert section. I keep brainstorming and talking to the camera. “First thing’s first—head to the market and get some fresh ingredients.”

I turn off the lights and the camera, grab my phone and my tote bag, and double-check the grocery list: leche de coco, pineapple, good cuts of skirt steak, and some plantains. I glance at my watch, 11:41 a.m. and rush to turn off the record player and head out of the apartment.

At the market, I film a few clips for the video, talking about my favorite tips while shopping for ingredients and supporting local vendors. I get some behind-the-scenes shots of me walking through the streets and into the small market.

Once I’m back home, I jump straight into food prep, filming every step for the video. It takes a couple of hours to get everything done—chopping, seasoning, plating—and then I start cleaning the good dishes and pulling out the table setup decorations. “Basically everything’s done,” I say to the camera, “and now we just have to wait for my handsome boyfriend to get home.”

Before Matt walks through the door, I hop in the shower and change into clean clothes. I pin my hair up and start lighting the candles on the kitchen island. The camera and the soft studio lights create the perfect dinner setting—for both the video and the mood.

I hear the familiar rhythm of Matt’s footsteps getting closer to the door, and my heart picks up a little. I’m nervous, but the second I see him, everything settles.

“Smells good in here, Chef,” he says with a grin, closing the door behind him.

I smile big as he walks in, and I reach for his hand, guiding him toward the kitchen and the rolling camera.

“Good evening, Matt,” I reply in my most dramatic, professional voice, helping him find his seat at the kitchen island. “I’ll be your private chef tonight, and I’ve curated a very special five-course meal just for you.”

He gives me a playful smirk that nearly makes me break character. “You’re my private chef every day, honey,” he teases.

I laugh and drop the act for a second. “You’re right—but tonight, you’re getting the full experience.”

I turn back to the stove and start plating. “For the first course, we’ve got mini tostones with garlic mojo and avocado crema.” I set the plate in front of him. The crispy little tostones are topped with a drizzle of garlic mojo, a dollop of avocado crema, thin white onion slices, and crispy parmesan.

Matt picks one up and holds it to his nose, smelling it before taking a bite. “This one’s to wake up your senses with the garlic, the onion, and the creamy avocado,” I explain.

He chews, eyes closed, and lets out a satisfied groan. His tongue swipes a bit of crema from his lip.

“Nine out of ten,” he says. “This is so good.”

“Wait, why just a nine?”

“I like the onion and parmesan, but bacon would’ve made it a ten,” he says, grabbing the other toston. “But it’s a nine because I want more.”

“Bacon would’ve overpowered it,” I roll my eyes, but I’m still laughing.

I prep the next plate. “For the appetizer, we’ve got crispy pork belly over mofongo purée. Some might say it’s like mangú, but the purée isn’t as creamy. It’s garlicky and rich, and the crispy chicharrón brings the crunch.”

I show the dish to the camera before placing it in front of Matt.

“I love mofongo,” he says immediately, grabbing his fork.

While he digs in, I start plating the main course. “Grilled skirt steak with chimichurri, yuca mash, and sweet plantain chips.” I bring the dish up close to the camera—perfectly grilled, medium rare, with that gorgeous green chimichurri. The steak is the star of the plate.

“A buttery steak, but make it Puerto Rican,” I say, placing the plate in front of him.

He breathes in the scent. “Adobo?”

“Obvio,” I reply, laughing as I sneak a bite from a small dish off camera. The steak melts on the tongue, and the adobo and garlicky yuca bring it all together.

“This might be my favorite thing you’ve made so far,” he says.

For the palette cleanser and the fourth course, I serve him a tiny scoop of piña colada sorbet in a chilled glass cup, topped with whipped cream and candied cherry.

“And finally,” I say, voice softening, “for dessert—Matt’s favorite: helado de coco. Creamy, homemade coconut ice cream that tastes like summer on the island, after a long beach day with your friends and cousins.” I show the camera the presentation: a coconut shell filled with helado de coco, topped with crispy waffle cone pieces.

Matt's hands feel around the shell. “In a coconut shell? Fancy,” Matt jokes, grinning before digging in with a spoon.

Everything’s gone smoothly, the cameras are off, the kitchen’s clean, and the dishes are put away. Matt and I are curled up on the couch, my legs tucked underneath me and his arm resting around my shoulders. The only sound filling the apartment is the soft crackle of the record player, an old love song playing in the background.

“We’ve danced to this,” Matt says suddenly, his voice soft.

I turn my head toward him, and he’s already looking at me with that small smile he gets when he’s remembering something sweet. “The first night after you moved in,” he adds. “A little drunk on wine, dancing in the kitchen while we waited for grilled cheese to cook on the stove.”

“It’s the night you said I love you for the first time,” I say, smiling as I grab a spoonful of tiramisu from the dish on his lap and bring it to my mouth. 

“The moment I realized that I didn’t want to share you, is the moment I wanted you to stay here forever, honey.” Matt admits. He already had my heart and he was still making me fall harder for him. “Did we finish?” He asks, lifting the dish on his lap to see if it was lighter. 

“Aren’t you full?” I ask as he leans in, waiting for me to feed him some more tiramisu. 

“I’m never too full for your tiramisu,” he says with a serious tone, and I laugh as I shove another bite into his mouth. He leans his head back against the couch with a dramatic and satisfied sigh. “Thank you, you really went all out, honey.”

His hand searches for the throw blanket we always leave draped over the side of the couch and pulls it over us, tucking it around our legs. I glance up at him and lean into his warmth, resting my head on his shoulder.

“You always support me,” I say softly. “With this weird, non-traditional career and all my random recipe ideas. You deserve a five-course meal and then some.”

He smiles at that, then reaches for the spoon and the dish, setting them down on the coffee table before turning back to me. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me into his lap like it’s second nature. I melt into him without hesitation. One of his hands lifts to my face, fingers brushing over my features—my cheekbones, my jaw, my lips—like he’s memorizing me all over again.

“Thank you,” he whispers. “You were the missing piece in this apartment all along. You’re my home.”

The record clicks as the side ends, but neither of us moves. We just sit there, wrapped up in our little bubble.

“I’ve never felt this” I say quietly, pressing a few soft kisses to his lips between words. “You make me feel safe and loved, something I never would’ve known if it wasn’t for you.” 

Matt leans in, his lip meeting mine in a soft, sweet kiss that melts away the sirens, the music from outside, and the chattering neighbors nearby.

Somehow, we make our way towards the bedroom, hands roaming over each other, leaving desperate kisses and marks on exposed skin while leaving a trail of clothes from the living room to the bed. 

“Make sure to use your power wisely, Murdock.”

[sohnric]

LEGO HOUSE — j. changmin

pairing: ji changmin x fem! reader

genre: roommates au?, friends to lovers. hurt/comfort, angst, fluff. both hopelessly in love with each other. it's the readers birthday <3

wc: 1.5k

warnings: crying lol. nothing much ig 😭

a/n: thank u best friend @csenke for beta reading i love u the most 😚 this is inspired by that instagram post changmin posted yknow which one i mean..,,,. And also a pinterest post that I loosely quote in the first 2 paragraphs

spin-off (epilogue) to my fic partners in crime!

Ji Changmin was never looking for perfection. He likes wrinkles in his sheets, coffee stains at the side of his mugs. His hair a little wind-blown. The apartment a little messy when he comes home– socks on the floor of the shared bedroom, the dishes laying unwashed in the sink. The flowers in the vase wilted and all dried-out, petals falling to the wooden table. The cramped space of the kitchen, your hips bumping every time you try to cook something together for dinner. The dirty window staring back at him when he tries to look outside to the street. The mornings when he wakes up a little too early, alongside with your alarm, and watches you get up from the bed with a grumpy expression on your face– it’s always hard for him to fall back asleep on the days when you work the morning shifts and he does afternoons, but he doesn’t find it in him to be annoyed.

Ji Changmin was never looking for perfection. He likes your face– even with the presence of dark circles that appear after you’ve worked a little too much and slept not enough. The hair you leave in the bedsheets and all around the apartment, leaving him sweeping it up once a week. He likes the freckles on your back and the chapped skin of your lips when he studies them late at night, taking you in. He likes it when you leave a message for him in the foggy mirror after taking a shower, never complaining about the smudges of the reflective surface. 

He likes things a little messy. He likes things a little well-loved.

He never wanted a perfect life– he said goodbye to that ideal when he was just a little boy. All he ever wanted was something better. Something more. His own place, away from all the prying eyes and expectations. Something beyond his reputation. He never wanted perfection– he knew life wasn’t that fair.

You were both so young when you behaved 25– now, he realized, you’ve grown into tall children. 

Ji Changmin unlocks the front door of your shared apartment at 7 in the morning after coming home from his night shift. In his hand is a cardboard box, and after discarding the pack of cigarettes onto the little table in the hallway and fishing for his lighter, he opens it and takes the little candle in between his fingertips. A click, spark, then a flame, the candle being stuck back into the white icing. Taking his shoes off, the box is back in his hands as he takes careful steps inside of the kitchen, knowing you’ll be there already, awaiting his arrival.

That’s the routine you two have. You only work morning shifts– Changmin, on the other hand, does both afternoons and mornings, and once a month, a week of night shifts. He comes home the moment you wake up for work and you silently say hello to each other in the quiet of your apartment. You got the place together after you ran away– one bedroom, one bathroom. Getting a lease was easier as a pretend couple, but somewhere deep inside of his soul, Changmin knew you were so much more.

Your back is turned to him, shoulders hunched over. The room is dark, the only light providing you two being the low light of the rising sun behind the window. He’s sure you heard his footsteps, but he still clears his throat and puts on a show for you, lowly singing the birthday song to you. When you turn around to look at him, the note he left at the kitchen table for you before he left for work in the evening is secured in your grasp and tears are dripping down your cheeks– a little by little, then all at once, like a waterfall, overwhelmed with emotion.

Changmin imagines today to not be easy for you. It’s your first birthday without family. You’re turning into an adult, with no supervision at all. There’s no one to reminisce over how tall you’ve grown and how much your face has changed over the years– only him. Only him and the lump in his throat as he watches you crumble in front of him, helpless. 

“Blow the candle out, it’s starting to drip on the icing–” he says, having you laugh and shake your head at him. It works, though– as you take a step towards him and do as he says, closing your eyes momentarily to wish for something. Changmin won’t ask what your wish was, but he could probably guess.

“Happy birthday, dear,” he mumbles, putting the cake and the box onto the kitchen table– just next to the mug stain in the corner. 

“Thank you,” he hears before your arms are thrown around his neck, chest on chest. You hold on to him for dear life, your nose burrowing into the crook of his shoulder. He gently cradles the back of your head, fingers slowly raking through your hair. His heart squeezes on itself when he feels your body tremble in his hold, making him try his hardest to calm you down. “For everything, that is. For sticking with me.”

Not every day will be easy– Changmin knew what he was getting himself into. It’s okay for you to walk on unsteady ground, though, it’s okay for you to look behind your shoulder after every step of the way. It’s okay for your world to break and crumble under your feet– Changmin will keep the pieces of you safe, like a building kit, and help you put them back up together again, the way they were before, like a lego house. Truth is, he doesn’t really have a tutorial or a guide, he doesn’t own a reference picture to how you were before everything– he met you at a very strange point in your lives– and so you might end up in a shape you didn’t have before. But that’s okay, because you’re back in one place– and although it may look and feel a little awkward at first, you will get used to it. You will grow to love it– just like he does. The new shape of you has character– it shows what you’ve been through. And that is fine. Beautiful, even. 

He’ll love the new shape of you just the same way he loved the previous one. Maybe even more– since now, he has his hand in it. He’ll love it more gently. More deeply, as well. He’ll love the new structure as it grows, and he’ll love it even with its missing pieces and imperfections. He never once gave up on you, and he would never dream of doing that now.

“Always,” he whispers.

You pull away from him, but still stay within reach. Your hands rest on his cheeks, thumbs glazing his cheekbones. The boy feels his breathing catch in his throat, wordlessly awaiting your next move. Looking at you almost always puts him into a trance, but today, he feels almost enchanted with your sheer presence. He feels grateful for your existence– he guesses this is the sentimentality parents feel on their children’s birthdays. He knows he’s not really the one you’d like to hear the words from, but he says them anyway. “I’m really proud of you.”

It happens without him even noticing– you standing on your tiptoes, answering the heart’s calling. The chapped lips he’s spent countless nights watching are pressed against him, a reply to the wandering question in his brain of how they would feel against his. He breathes you in: all of you. All of your worries and your troubles, all of your joys and your smiles– of which you press one against his lips, making his knees weak and heart beating raw in the palms of your hands.

You’re like everything he’s ever dreamt of and more. Somehow, he thinks this bond was there in the stars for him, written into his fate. He was bound to meet you, one way or another– and if he could turn back time, he’d do the same things, over and over again, just to end up in this moment with you. 

To an outsider’s eye, what you two have is not perfect, but he was never looking for perfection anyway.

Perhaps, he thinks, perfection is relative. Perhaps, this is what defines perfection for him: you two in your shared kitchen, holding each other, your birthday cake and the handwritten note he left for you watching you take another leap together– and truth be told, he doesn’t even know when it all happened. For him, falling in love with you went without him even noticing– a little by little, then all at once. One day, he was poking fun at you in the familiarity of the police office, and suddenly, he did all he could just to protect you.

(As long as I’m alive, you will always be loved.

Happy birthday to the best partner in crime life I could ever wish for.)

[nectardaddy]

(Let me rephrase I was rushing ok pls ignore the first ask request I sent I also changed it a bit 🙏🙏🙏)

the cards will tell the past, the present, and the future as well ? then I'd like to request a reading,,, a love reading for what the cards have to say about Issei Matsukawa and me, if thats possible🙂‍↕️

the major arcana,,, wands !! (slice of life)

the minor arcana,,, the sun !! (neighbors to lovers)

⋆｡✶ you pulled the sun and the four of wands upright

✧ COFFEE CREAMER

want to see the other readings? 

⋆｡✶ note/CWs: this seemed like slice of life to me ok, gn reader/second person, language, the pet names “sunshine” and “sweetheart”, mattsun is a weird loser <3

“Do you have any coffee creamer?”

The timbre voice sounded through the apartment followed by the click of a door shutting. It wasn’t unusual for Matsukawa to waltz in your apartment; frankly, it would be unusual for him if he did knock. You consistently reminded him of the importance of it though, ‘what if I wasn’t dressed?’ which was always met with a sly smirk and a shrug. 

“Hello? I know you’re here!” But he was met with no reply. “Please, I’m begging on my knees here! Makki used it all and had the audacity to put it back in the fucking fridge! Your apartment was quiet, a vacuum of sound, as he continued to walk in and look around. You were never one to leave the door unlocked if you weren’t there; and his stomach sank when he believed no one was home.

For a moment, he thought of snagging the coffee creamer and leaving - but even to him that didn’t seem proper. It wasn’t right to take something of yours unknowingly, even if it was as simple as creamer. So instead, he lingered; trekked through the apartment slowly and shoved his hands in his pockets - looking for the sake of looking. 

He had been in your apartment on numerous occasions, whether it was off the cuff or you had invited him over. He was always there, always next door, always right beside you. But he had never observed; seemingly in a rush to grab something, too preoccupied in conversation with you, or flat out drunk, he had never taken the time to look and take in his surroundings. 

His steps were soft, sock clad feet padded against the hardwood floor (ultimately he was too lazy to put shoes on when he crossed the hall); and brown eyes flickered to pictures and babbles scattered on shelves and bookcases. But his eyes stopped at a framed picture on the wall just before him. 

It was a picture the two of you took together at a party. You were a little too close to be considered a friend, his hand on your waist went a little too low to be seen as platonic, and both of you were a little too drunk to even care that it escalated a little further, and neither of you had talked about it since - as you both pretended it never happened. 

“This is total stalker behavior by the way,” your voice made him flinch and he whipped his head around to the sound of it. You leaned against the, now open, door of your room and sighed. 

“What? Can't a guy look at a picture of himself?” He watched you roll your eyes before yawning, and it was then he realized you must have been asleep. But even with tired eyes and jostled clothes, you still gave him a small smile. “Well good morning, sunshine, you know it's two in the afternoon, right?” 

“You know I don't care, right?” 

He chuckled as he leaned against the wall, “you’d be cute when you wake up if you weren't so grumpy.”

His statement made you huff as a heat drove to your cheeks; but you'd be lying if his, not so subtle, flirting always worked on you. “What do you want, Mattsun?” 

“Coffee creamer,” he shrugged with a silly smile. 

You stared at him a moment and sighed before you walked past him towards the kitchen - he followed. “Why didn't you get it yourself, dumbass?” 

“Because it would be rude to come in and take something without you knowing, duh.” 

“But creeping around my apartment isn't rude?” You posed before opening your fridge and rummaging around for what he wanted. 

“I have morals, sweetheart,” he teased. “Stealing is against my moral compass, lurking isn't.” 

You rolled your eyes before you handed him the bottle of creamer, “here, you morally gray fool.” 

“Thank you kindly,” his voice laced with a whimsy you knew all too well before he winked. The off handed flirting wasn’t foreign to you, frankly you expected it by now. But even still, it made your stomach tie in knots at every wink, every coy statement, every fleeting touch, and every look. 

And he knew it. 

You watched him grin before turning to leave, and you felt your nerves slowly become untangled as he opened your front door to leave. But he turned with a vengeance and a wicked smile, and left you wide eyed as he flicked his eyes back to the picture and then to you. 

“You were a really good kisser, by the way, we should have another night like that again.”

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - Alan & Jeff Forever!

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

Jan 2024 Wk 4

Ongoing Series - Thai

The Sign (Sat YT) ep 10 of 12 - I am a little concerned that this is getting too big for its britches, rather like Phaya’s recently recovered snake… shall we say? Adding in yet another character at this juncture isn’t the best idea. Still, I love how this show makes me cackle laugh with grandmas + Yai and then TENSION.

It’s a wobbly kind of balance but a balancing act is happening nonetheless. It makes the pacing of this show good. It may be all over the place but I'm never bored.

Pit Babe (Fri iQIYI) ep 11 of 14 - No trash talk this week, I was charmed & delighted. Who knew I would actually enjoy this show? Certainly not me. (not much of a...) Trash watch happening here.

Cooking Crush (Sun YT) ep 8 of 12 - I am pretty much skipping most of the 3 chef friends, and all of the side dish action (sorry Neo). And with OffGun apart for most of this ep, it didn’t hold together since they are the glue. Sigh.

Last Twilight (Fri YT) ep 12fin - Okay let’s talk about it.

Mhok should have gone off with someone else. Day treated him like shit and never once apologized. To assume an apology isn’t necessary is to pity Day in the exact way he didn’t want. (On a complete aside, one of my favorite Thai restaurants back in my mispent youth was in Hilo, HI… ah memories) meanwhile the "passing escalators trope" activated in the land of malls (it’s been a while my old friend).

Anygay, I hold that Mohk was not a fault and Day was the one who needed to apologize.

Although they did have one of BL's BEST ever face touch moments. 

In conclusion: 

The story of a blind man and his caregiver falling in love. Mark is great. JimmySea are spectacular. The support cast is GMMTV-good. And for the first 3/4 this BL was something rather special. But it was let down by its ending (for which I entirely blame the author). In order to like this show you must buy into the premise that Mhok was in the wrong and caused their breakup. If you don’t believe that, you won’t like this BL. Also "fixing a disability = true happiness" is gross messaging. For me, endings counts for a lot and this one was ultimately “happy” but felt like a failure. 7/10 and I was sorely tempted to go as low as a 6/10, so it should count itself lucky 

I dithered my darling BLabies... I dithered A LOT over this one. But JimmySea alone held this one up.

GMMTV we gotta talk. You're fielding some of the world's best pairs right now. It's time to get them equally good scripts.

For Him (Thurs iQIYI) ep 9 of 12 - This installment had too much of the side couple in it. Although it was nice to see First/Dream (Twins) again. He's still a cutie, even playing a straight. 

My Universe (Sun iQIYI) ep 23 of 24 - I have to say I’m very glad we are on the last installment of the series. Narcissistic hairdresser starts seeing a spirit in a mirror. Turns out to be a friend from his youth who he thought was dead. This one is kinda sweet, and I find the premise interesting. Is the kid actually dead and a spirit? Or is there something else going on? I am intrigued. And I like the actor playing the kid in the mirror. I suspect this will be sad tho.

Time the series (Thai Gaga) ep 3 of 10 - I don’t exactly know what is going on. And frankly I don’t particularly care, either. So far nothing seems to be happening, and I really intensely dislike one half of the main couple. DNF welcome 2024 here we go 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Love For Love's Sake (Korea Weds iQIYI) 1-2 of 8 - based on the Manhwa Love Supremacy Zone by Hwacha (they should have kept the original title). I adore the premise. IRL person has been sent into fictional universe to save a side character from doom. Fantastic. Every fanfic author's dream. Also, I love that our POV was the bad boy in high school so there’s also a redemption arc going on. I adore this kind of isekai (if you wanna call it that). Puppy/cat pairing too! 

Although I Love You and You AKA Sukiyanen Kedo Do Yaro ka (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 3 of 10 - Oh my goodness they too cute. Basically dating. Although only one of them realizes it, and he is such a drama queen. It’s GREAT. Also they are both so damn gay. I love the supportive bestie trying to cope with the girl who has a crush on his gay bff. 

Happy Ending (Korea Tues YT) 1 of 3 - Strongberry is back and it’s very them and very atmospheric and cute. I’m enjoying it. 

Sahara-sensei to Toki-kun (Japan Fri Gaga) ep 7 of 8 - Japan giveth and Japan taketh away again. Look, I just like the lost love teacher/teacher couple better. I'm assuming they'll have to do a time jump in the final episode to make this one work at all. 

I am SO GLAD we have KBLs back on our screens.

It's done

What Did You Eat Yesterday Season 2 AKA Kinou Nani Tabeta? Season 2 (Japan Gaga) 10 eps - will binge when I have any spare time. 2024 is crazy busy for me so far.

The Servant and the Young Master - from Vietnam so I assume it's on YouTube. I never even noticed. Anyone?

Began Beginning (Myanmar YouTube) - Is TRUST Entertainment bringing us the first ever Burmese BL? I don't know if it's really the first, but @heretherebedork vouched for it, so I will give it a watch through.

Beside You (Thai ????) - a 3 ep short that's supposed to have aired but I can't find it.

It's Airing But...

[NO INTERNATIONAL] Cherry Magic (Sat YouTube) ep 3 of 12 - yeah Japan put the smack down on our boys. Sadness. You can use a VPN if you like. Read all about it here.

Ossans Love Season 2 (Japan Gaga) - 5 years later, will anything have changed? This is Japan so… probubly not. I won't be watching this. I disliked Season one and actively hated the follow ups. No thank you.

Playboyy (Thurs Gaga) 14 eps - Dear Playboyy, it's not you, it’s me… I hate you. You’re about as deep (and as palatable) as a shot glass of cum. While I'm sure you’re someone’s kink, you're my weakest link. Goodbye. I DNFed this at ep 5. Frankly I'm impressed with myself for getting that far.

The Whisperer (Sun ????) 10 eps - Ends next week. Thai horror BL that ALSO involves cheating (what joy is mine). I don't think even the perfect single dimple can motivate me to watch. Word is... it's terrible.

7 Days Before Valentine (Weds WeTV) 10 eps - Giving me Luminous Solution vibes. I'm waiting to binge if safe.

Dead Friend Forever (Thai Sat iQIYI) - horror, meh, tell me if it's worth my time?

In Case You Missed it

All my year-end round ups:

TOP 10 BL Trends of 2023

Top 10 BL Secondary Pairs of 2023

2023 BLs Best Trope Execution Awards! TOP 10

All the BLs Announced for 2023 that didn't happen

BL 2023's Best:

Back Hugs Thailand & Elsewhere

Cute Bits of Domesticity

Boys Feeding Boys

BOOP!

Best Cuddles

Heads in Laps

Touching Head Touches

Thailand Put His Head on Your Shoulder

Put Your Head on My Shoulder (not Thailand)

BEST KISSES (not Thailand)

BEST KISSES FROM THAILAND

Next Week Looks Like This:

2/2 City of Stars AKA Fueangnakorn (Fri YouTube?) 10 eps - An actor falls in love with a programmer and the narrative intends to “explore the ramifications of being public figure in the social network era who must endure critics, bullying, and defamation.” Looks like another Lovely Writer/Call It What You Want sort of thing. But helmed by Star Hunter? Chaos will ensue.

2/2 Anti Reset AKA Anti-Reset (Taiwan Fri Gaga?) 10 eps - from Vidol (who aren't doing us very proud right now) - Human and robot find love.

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

Say what you like about this show (and I have) they do some very gay cuddling. (Him the series)

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

This show, damnit, so close to being genius. (Last Twilight)

I don't that's a hardshi,p grandma ... although it may be a hard ship... get it.

I'll stop now.

(The Sign)

(Last week)

[bones-of-a-rabbit]

u can never have too many au ideas (aka the cursed-sun/moon au)

(im copy n pasting this from discord bc im lazy sorry y'all fsjhf)

other au idea: Sun is a ruler or lord in a fantasy world or smthn and Moon is the form he's been Cursed into turning into each night. Reader is a low-tier magic-weilder (who has a secret past that involves smthn rlly Bad and they used to have a reasonable amount of respectability in th community but now theyre shunned and cant get a job anywhere and also has a big scar and/or only one eye lol) who's one remaining ability is the ability to lift minor curses or plagues. Sun has been searching for someone who can 'bless' the curse of Moon (or whatever is making Moon be nasty murderous bloodthirsty man) for ages but mages r rare and most of them spend maybe one night trying to cure Moon before either getting got or being scared into getting tf outta there

so eventually word reaches Sun of a mage who's been looking for work, with the only catch being that they arent very powerful and no one has much to say abt them, and Sun, who has burnt every single thread he has trying to find a mage, is like GOOD ENOUGH CALL THEM HERE

and reader is like 'oh shit this is potentially a rlly good job, the only catch is that i have to deal w a demon possessed guy thats like twice my height and three times as strong,,' and like. bc they have Zero Options and also feel like their life has run itself into th ground and there is little left for them/no way to get themselves out of their Issues, they r like 'yeah sure its gonna take a while bc i can only perform minor magic but i'll do whatever i can to see that this curse is delt with'

and instead of trying to face Moon head on, they start with just kinda,, getting to know him. he's kept chained/locked away in a chamber every night to keep ppl safe, but every night reader goes into the chambers, sits at a tea table just out of his reach, and just. talks with him

they dont entertain his trying to mess w them, taunting, cruelty, etc, but they talk when there's the chance for standard conversation. at first it's hell bc Moon is a little shit and he never cooperates. he never answers questions, he spends the entire night threatening to tear them apart and savor their insides, etc. they bring him a cup of tea every night, and every time he smashes the cup and throws the pieces at them

ok well point is eventually Moon starts to mellow out around them, will actually sit and have conversation with them, one day is like 'you think i dont know what youre doing?? youre just trying to bore me into falling for ur trap so u can kill me. i like ur style but its not gonna work >:3'

and reader is like 'i literally do not have enough magic to kill a toad let alone a whole entire possessed person' and moon is like ',, huh. so what IS ur goal here??' and reader is like 'i want to lift ur curse for both u and Sun's sakes. i gave u my word, and i will follow through, at the very least to clear my own conscience of a past sin'

and so eventually Moon, out of curiosity, and later bc he likes spending time with reader, starts letting them cast the healing magic on him, breaking the curse little by little every night

and at the same time all this is happening, reader is spending mornings and evenings with Sun and keeping him up to date on how the process is going and, eventually, becoming the person he turns to when he's stressed or tired or rlly just wants company

and idk smthn smthn eventually both of them rlly want Reader and they dont know how to act so they just b making fools of themselves but reader is a dumbass so theyre just confused

(Moon absolutely tells Reader abt every 'oh man i rlly wanna kiss kiss snuggle smooch the mage rn' thought Sun has during the day but Reader is so used to Moon being a little shit n making shit up to mess with them that they r just like ._. )

the plot twist part,,

(the secret dark past that reader is hiding is that they used to be a local mage for a nearby town who was known and respected for giving 'blessings' to ppl for small fees but one day for Reasons, they cast a curse upon someone and one of the biggest no-no's a mage can do is Curse someone so the town practically rioted, tore them down from their pedestal, called upon another mage to strip reader of their magic, and then cast them out)

(rn im considering the idea that the person reader Cursed is Vanny, who, because of her own curse, eventually went on to be the one who cursed Sun and Moon)

[scekrex]

Hiiii💕💕 me again I really loved your story and writing style<3

But any way I have a other idea, here it goes when Adam meet male reader for the first time and when he first saw him quickly thought of Eve and Lilith? But he tried brush those thoughts out of his mind when they start to know each other more but Adam can not stop looking at him this time y/n wanted to make a joke so he says.

"Do I look like your girlfriend?"

"No.. My late wife (or something else)... I cannot believe it"

"You could've been her twin!"

"Your face.. Your voice... Just your hair and clothes are different-"

"My name, is y/n l/n"

If you can thank you 💕💕

You'll be from now on known as "💕💕", also really love that idea!! So here ya go babes xoxo/p

Pretty baby with the sun in his eyes

pairing: Adam x male!reader

warnings: language

note: not beta read bc fuck you I don't have beta readers

You had first met him when Sera had introduced you to him in her office. It had been a little weird to meet the first man to ever be created, not because you had been nervous but because he hadn't been able to stop staring at you. It had seemed as if his eyes were glued onto you, no matter what you had done, his eyes had been onto you, drinking in every tiny little movement you had made. His expression had been blank, though, there was no way you could've known what had been going on behind those eyes of his.

To Adam it had been quite the shock to lay eyes on you for the first time. Your facial features looked so similar to Lilith's, your voice reminded you of Eve’s, it made him feel home. He shook that thought out of his head immediately, Eve wasn't supposed to sound like home and your face that could've been the face of Lilith's younger brother made his stomach feel heavy and his heart skip a beat every now and then. Fuck no, he wasn't seeing his ex wives in you - at least he told himself so, he was very aware that was a total lie.

And that was something that never really changed. Because once the first man had found out that you were a fellow rock enjoyer, he had been quick to give you calls every now and then, inviting you for jam sessions, the concerts his band played and sometimes even for small things like grabbing lunch together or getting ice cream. You two had been quick to figure out that you enjoyed a lot of the same things, you were quite similar. But Adam's eyes never managed to truly leave your body, one way or another they were always onto you, always putting you in some sort of unique spotlight.

Three months after first meeting him you were on the way to his apartment, he had invited you over - why you didn't really know, he had simply sent you a text that read ‘Pull up, bitch’. And given the fact that you had nothing better to do for the day, you went.

Arriving at Adam's place was surely something, he was living in that huge flat, of course he was. The first man seemingly only got the best of the best. You snorted as he swung open the golden door that you had just knocked on, he was wearing an oversized band shirt - of his own band, no way that dude would wear any other kind of merch than his own - and a pair of white sweatpants with golden stripes on the sides. His mask was somewhere, it was definitely not covering up his handsome face this time and you thanked God silently for that gift.

“Sup, babes,” he smirked as he stepped aside in order to invite you in. The second you set foot inside his home his eyes decided to never leave your body again.

This time you made the choice to address it, you were low-key sick of dodging the topic even though it was as obvious as it could get. “What’s with the staring, big guy, do I remind ya of your girlfriend?” your lips had curled up into a small yet cocky smirk as you raised an eyebrow at him. The brunette rolled his eyes at that, you knew he had no girlfriend, that well you knew each other at this point. Yet he couldn't deny that you did remind him of Lilith and Eve. “Nah babes, no girlfriend in this guys life, you know it,” he casually hummed as he wrapped an arm around his shoulder to guide you to the living room, “However, your ass reminds me of my ex wife.” You raised your eyebrow even higher, giving him a side eye, “What, you're saying you're staring at my face all day because my ass reminds you of some bitch you were married to?” That didn't really add up to you and you called bullshit on it. It simply made zero sense. But Adam was quick to clarify, a sigh left him before he explained, “No man, what I mean is you remind me of both my first and my second wife. Your face looks so much like Lilith's, in the name of the holy spirit, you could be her fucking twin brother,” he paused a moment, then continued, “And your voice, fuck, it reminds me of Eve’s, it sure sounds fucking deeper, duh kinda obivious, but… it holds the same warmth as hers.”

Now it was for you to stare at him. He had just told you you looked and sounded like two women he had been married to, that you could be their brother - twin brother even. How were you supposed to react to that? Was it even meant as a compliment?

“Well, quick reminder that my name's Y/N Y/L, I'm neither fucking Lilith nor Eve, get that shit inside your head.” Adam raised his hands in defense, “Nah, trust me I know. You look and sound like them but your personality is so fucking different from them, they were whores.” It really didn't surprise you how he talked about them because from what you knew, he wasn't wrong and had every right to be upset. “Good,” you crossed your arms over your chest, “Because if you ever fucking dare to moan their names, I'm fucking out.” It was a joke, clearly, but yet you saw a faint brush on his cheeks.

Oh you would definitely continue to tease him like that.

[tinyraptorhands]

Just A Spark pt. 3

-Lets Get Started, Shall We?-

(Things said in English will be the color red)

The sun was high in the morning sky, bright and clear skies greeted you when you stepped out of your apartment. You held your head high, and took a breath.

Today was the first day of your career. You walked briskly, excited for what the day held. You wore a smart looking navy blue pencil skirt, with black tights and navy blue low heels, matched with a white button up blouse. You wore your good luck charm, a small gold necklace with a tiny pearl heart-something you never took off since your thirteenth birthday. You made sure you had enough time to pack a nice little bento (a lavender one with Badtzmaru and Kuromi) filled with last night's dinner, lemon chicken pasta. You even added a little slice of apple pie for yourself.

U.A. was thankfully within walking distance, a 20 minute walk at best. But you didn't mind, the route you took was quite scenic, and cherry blossoms lined the sidewalks. They carried their springtime scent through the air, making you smile.

A perfect early spring day for a new beginning.

As you walked, your small suitcase and purse slapped against your thigh, and you smiled. It grounded you. It also made you reflect.

This was real.

You were achieving your dream.

The sky was the limit for you-or maybe not, considering you flew by plane to get here.

Nothing was holding you back, nothing.

And no soul mate in sight.

As it should be.

You fingered your necklace for a moment. Hikari's words echoed in your head for a brief moment;

"Never say never! It's rare, but you can find your soul mate outside of where you were born!"

Nah. You weren't that special. You'd be fine.

So...why did your stomach roil a little?

You chalked it up to first day jitters, shrugging it off.

As you walked, your debated on buying a bike with your first paycheck as many others seemed to have around you, zipping and weaving by.

It was such a nice day, too. Riding a bike in weather like this would be amazing.

As you neared the imposing gates of U.A., you saw someone waiting for you.

Make that three someone's.

One you knew well, All Might himself. Though, he looked a bit different now than when you would see him on television as a child and young teen. The other was Principal Nezu-you had known him through your various interviews via video chat.

The young man, he looked...familiar, but you couldn't place it.

As you neared, you bowed a perfect 45° angle (as practiced several times), "Principal Nezu sensei, good to see you at last." You smiled. The mouse smiled as well.

"A pleasure! Good to see you made it to Japan safe and sound." He gestured to All Might. "I'm sure you know our vice principal, Toshinori Yagi-or rather, All Might."

You bowed again. "All Might san, a pleasure to meet you." He rubbed the back of his head, smiling.

"Oh, no need for formalities, young...?"

"(Y/n) (l/n)-"

A gasp interrupted you, and the three of you looked at the green haired young man. He looked to be about your age. He covered his mouth.

"S-sorry! I just...I think I know you! Not...not like, actually know you but-" the young man started to mutter.

You blinked. Nezu smiled. "Ah, this is Izuku Midoriya-"

It was your turn to gasp. "Hikari's grandson!" You said, snapping your finger. Midoriya nodded happily.

"Y-yes! My grandmother and father mentioned you! You moved into my grandmother' apartment building! Your apple pie was amazing!"

"Oh, thank you! Yeah, she's my landlord! Your father helped me-"

A throat cleared, and you both immediately looked at Toshinori. "It seems introductions aren't necessary but..." he smiled at his protégé. Midoriya straightened up, quickly nodding.

"Ah, right. As principal Nezu said, my name is Izuku Midoriya. I'm also known as The One For All hero, Deku. You can call me either! I teach the heroics classes in Hero History, but I also now do pro hero work!" Izuku explained and bowed hurriedly. You smiled.

"Its a pleasure, Midoriya sensei." You bowed.

"Well! Now that introductions are out of the way, Midoriya-please take good care of our new General Studies English teacher." Nezu said, smiling as he clapped his paws together once. He turned to you, "Midoriya will be showing you around as well as helping you acclimate to the working environment here. You'll find its quite loose and not as strict as most schools, as I've told you in the past."

You nodded. "Yes, the ciriculum has its set program, but I can also teach extra things as well." You were excited about that.

"Just be sure to run it by me or Toshinori, yes?" The mouse smiled.

You nodded. Izuku smiled. "I think you'll do great, (l/n) san. Your japanese is very advanced, I can barely tell there's an accent."

You blushed at the praise. "You're too kind, Midoriya sensei!" You chuckled softly.

As the four of you entered the building, Toshinori handed you a card. It was your ID to get through the gates and various places around the campus. You looked at your photo, one you remember taking along with your passport photo. You smiled down at it. "Thank you." You nodded as you slid the ID into your briefcase. Toshinori nodded, smiling.

"I think you'll do well here, young (l/n)! You remind me of young Midoriya when he first came to U.A., all starry eyed!"

"All Might..." Midoriya said, blushing as he rubbed the back of his head . You smiled.

Today would be an amazing day, for sure.

The sound of chalk on the chalkboard echoed in the large classroom as you wrote your name in both Japanese and English. "Alright, students." You said, turning to them. You set the chalk down on the ledge, dusting your fingers. "My name is (y/n) (l/n). I am from America, and I look forward to teaching you for your first year here in U.A." you smiled. Some looked bored, and some looked eager. Most of the young teens looked impassive. You could work with that. "During this class, I'd like you to try to speak as much English as possible. Its okay if it gets to be too hard, but the best way to learn is through practice!" You smiled, opening the seating chart. "How about we go around the room with introductions? Introduce yourselves to me-but try to do so in English." You said, and heard a chorus of groans. "Oh, come on now. I know you all know basic introductions! C'mon! Let's get started!"

As the students introduced themselves, you took note of each student and their outward behavior.

As the final student took her seat, you nodded. "Great job, all of you! Now, before we begin, do you have any questions for me?"

A few hands were raised. You pointed to the girl with firey red hair, Sakura Usumatsu. "Usumatsu?"

"Yeah, like...whats yer quirk?" She asked with thick Osakan accent. You smiled.

"Well, funny you should mention that." You smiled softly. "I don't have one."

The class looked a little shocked.

"Legit?" Sakura said, twirling a lock of hair. You nodded.

"Yes, I do not and never will have a quirk."

"Thats ironic." Yori Hasewa, a blue haired girl with a snarky attitude smirked. "You're working at U.A., a known hero school, without a quirk?" She crossed her legs. "Thats badass. Or stupid." She leaned back.

Oh, she was gonna be the class delinquent type, for sure. You chuckled softly, and leaned your forearms on the wooden podium.

"Well, considering this is the General courses, Hasewa-my quirk status shouldn't matter-"

"Do you have a soul mate mark!?" A boy who looked more cat than human blurted out. "I-I mean..."

"Yes, Yoshi. I do have that. But that's rather priva-"

"What about a soul mate!? Did you find them?!"

"Do they have a quirk!?"

Suddenly, more questions poured in, and you took a deep breath. As the class grew rowdy, you remembered something in your student teaching from last year, "ONE, TWO, THREE!" You let your voice carry, the class startled, "EYES ON ME!"

The class stopped for a moment. "Very good. Anyone want to translate what I just said?"

Emiko Yusegawa threw up her hands. She had two large oni horns on her head and emerald skin. You nodded to her. "You said, 'one, two, three, eyes on me.'"

"Correct. Now, can anyone explain why I said this?"

Cat boy threw up his hand. "...B-because we were loud?"

"Yes. And you were all talking out of turn. Now, I don't mind it if you're on break, but when it's time for class, we all settle down and-"

A thunderous boom sound shook the building. Immediately, the students crowded to the window. You frowned, and went to the window, only to be blocked by a few students. You sighed, figuring it was probably the heroics classes. Izuku had said there would probably be some loud noises like that every now and then. "Class-"

"Holy crap! Its Great Explosion Murder God Dynamight!"

"Omigod!! He's so hot!!"

"Is he teaching the heroics class!?"

"I'm so jealous!"

"Think he'll sign my notebook!?"

"I want him to explode my face and call me names..."

"Girl, what??"

You rubbed your temples, and pushed a button for the window blinds. As they descended, there were groans and moans throughout the class.

"There will be time for that kind of thing during break," you said sternly, "but for now, turn your English books to page 11."

As the class settled back into their seats, you sighed.

An eventful start, to say the least.

"Ka-er, Dynamight! Easy!!" Izuku called out as the explosive hero demonstrated his Howitzer Impact move. Izuku's students were enraptured by the display. "You can't just use your move near the main building like that!"

Katsuki smirked, cocking back his gauntlet. He turned to Izuku. "Hey, you said to demonstrate what I can do-"

"I meant your small explosions!"

"Tch." He rolled his eyes. "Ain't nothin' small about me." He nodded his head to the group of 20 students, "and look, they're payin' attention."

Izuku sighed. "Still. I don't want another complaint from the other sensei's..."

"Relax, Sensei. They gotta be inspired somehow-"

They were interrupted by Izuku's smart watch. Izuku looked down at it, and nodded. "Alright, that's the end of class-"

The students groaned. Izuku smiled knowingly, and chuckled. "Dynamight will be back again for a class demonstration another day." He assured them.

Katsuki looked over at him, eyebrow raised. "Who said I'd say yes?"

"Kacchan. You never miss an opportunity to show off." Izuku deadpanned in a hushed voice. Katsuki shoved his shoulder lightly.

As the students went inside, the bell rang for the lunch hour.

"You wanna go get some lunch?" Katsuki asked. "I don't have patrols until 5 tonight."

They headed to the faculty offices, Izuku looked down at his watch again.

"Yeah, but first I have to see how the new teacher is doing." Izuku said. "Shes really nice. You'd like her, she-"

"Uuuugh. Izuku, I could care less. Just get your shit, play baby sitter and-"

"Midoriya sensei!" You called out, walking toward them

And then it happened.

Your eyes met Katsuki's.

His met yours.

And suddenly...

-A Spark-

@crimsonrubie

((I don't have an update schedule, but I'm banging these out pretty easily. My other works are still going on, I haven't forgotten about them! Especially my Pro Mama work. Its still happening!))

[sepdet]

Have you SEEN the original moon landing feed, especially the scary bit near the end?

Now stay with me. I grew up hearing about these few minutes from my parents (in fact I took the TV they watched it on to grad school; DS9 and Babylon5 worked well in b&w).

This is even crazier than it looks like.

My parents were both scientists, my grandmother a planetarium director, and my dad was just about to land his job at a rocket company that built 95 small rockets that were part of the UpGoer Saturn V. (Yeah. Just the small ones. Saturn V was a BEAST.)

So my parents had a fair idea how dangerous this was, how Neil going manual was a bad sign, and just how close he was to running empty and crashing. They knew the problem that every ounce of fuel you carry requires even more fuel to lift off, so the Eagle was built light, carrying no excess weight even in fuel (it had to lift off the Moon with no rocket, after all).

But they didn't learn until years later just how jury-rigged and bespoke Apollo technology was. Every vehicle and part was designed like a Mythbusters build: extremely customized for the procedures it had to accomplish, using parts and even technology invented for specific mission tasks.

rope memory, predecessor to modern silicon chips: 1s and 0s woven by women (of course) at a Massachusetts textile plant

At the time, computers were the size of rooms and very touchy. Apollo's computer memory was core rope memory, never used before or since, to save space. The read/write guidance computer, too, was woven: physical media could better survive the rigors of space travel. (I suspect even my parents don't know it also used some of the very first integrated circuits, soldered by hand under a microscope by Navajo women).

Spacesuits were (and still are) designed and hand-stitched by Playtex bramakers. The lunar rovers' wheels were titanium meshes woven with piano wire to let dust through, and even had a clever navigation system despite no GPS or magnetic north.

They couldn't test these rigs with computer modeling. They didn't know for sure what the moon's surface would be like, apart from basic parameters like low gravity and near vacuum and a temperature ranging from 250°F in the sun to -250° in the shade. And it was nearly impossible to test for or practice in those conditions on Earth.

And then there were the unknowns. A massive solar flare between Apollo 16 and 17 might have killed or sickened them too much to operate their ship.

While the spacesuit and to some extent the rover design carried on, a lot of these hacks were so unusual that they might as well be alien tech. (I'm sorry woven technology fell out of vogue for several decades.) That goes some way towards explaining why humans haven't left Earth orbit since I was two.

The other problem, of course, is expense. Tech for human space exploration requires as much R&D and testing as fighter planes, which have developed through a century of multiple countries' military budgets. Human space programs are lucky to last two presidents; the next president usually doesn't think giving glory to his predecessor is a good use of money.

So for 40 years, NASA has mostly worked with other countries on human spaceflight or built robot explorers that can be launched in 3-4 years before Congress or the president can axe the program. They're less likely to shut down a mission when 99.99% of the money's been spent, and all that's left to do is download data and uplink occasional instructions.

TL:DR; Congress and the White House keep flashing the equivalent of that computer error message, every time NASA gets ready to send humans into space again. Overload. Abort mission.

Unless, you know, American citizens start saying Go. Go. Go. Go. We have some pretty important priorities down here on Earth (which Amazon and Disney and oil companies should be footing the bill for, though they try not to), but I bet the military can cough up the cost of a few fighter jets.

[liaromancewriter]

Passing Time

Premise: It’s a long drive to Naveen’s cabin, giving Cassie to reflect on recent events. Set during 1.16.

Book: Open Heart Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Cassie Valentine) Rating/Category: Teen. Fluff. Words: 1,130

A/N: Submission to @choicesjunechallenge prompt "fantasy". I'm using @choicesflashfics week 39, prompt 2 (in bold). Also using #3 Grumpy Affectionate dialogue prompts from @creativepromptsforwriting. Tagging for reblog to @creativepromptfills

Cassie Valentine watched the scenery gradually change once they left the Boston area. Low-rise office and apartment buildings competed with strip malls and box stores built near interstate exits to attract suburban shoppers.

Eventually, the vista gave way to evergreen trees and those beginning to bloom again after a harsh New England winter planted along either side of the highway.

The view was monotonous, but thankfully, she thought the drive wasn’t excessively long and checked her wristwatch. The stop at Harvard Medical School’s research building to collect the phage therapy had taken longer than expected, and the sun already hung low in the sky.

Her phone remained silent, and she took that as a sign that Dr. Banerji was still holding on. Landry would have texted or called if his status had changed. At least, Cassie hoped so.

Two months ago, she’d have said she knew Landry Olsen very well. But now she wondered if she saw the person she wanted to see, not who he really was.

They had bonded on the first day of residency over their mutual admiration for Dr. Ethan Ramsey. But the man was also the source of their fallout. Landry’s jealousy of her bond with their medical hero had caused him to sabotage her career.

She rationalized that Landry could’ve tried to get to know Dr. Ramsey. Even before she knew about Naveen’s condition, she had tried to get Ethan to notice her. But her former friend had been content to pine from the sidelines, never once introducing himself properly to the other doctor.

She’d had to ask for Ethan’s autograph on Landry’s behalf, for crying out loud!

“Are you okay? Is it Naveen?”

Cassie turned her head at the alarm in Ethan’s voice beside her. His brows furrowed in concern as he glanced at the phone in her hand.

“Yes…I mean…no,” she stammered. “Sorry! I was lost in thought.”

“Must have been something bad,” he drawled, accelerating to overtake the car before them. “You looked ready to go into battle.”

“Nothing quite so dramatic. Although,” Cassie mused. “I suppose fighting for my medical license would fall in that category.”

“An apt analogy,” he said quietly.

Cassie twisted in her seat to face Ethan. “Have you ever been subject to an ethics trial?”

She wondered if she had gone too far, but he answered anyway.

“No, but I’ve skirted close to the line. All good doctors do,” he added. “Our work isn’t black or white; the answers aren’t always obvious. So, we have to take chances even if, and especially when, the outcome is uncertain. Naveen taught me that.”

His voice hitched on the last, and she found his vulnerability incredibly appealing. The companionable silence stretched as the car ate up the miles.

Cassie glanced at Ethan out of the corner of her eye, surreptitiously studying the scruffy jaw, the corded muscles of his neck and how his Adam’s apple moved when he swallowed.

She felt her cheeks turn red as she recalled standing in his bedroom, her naked butt plastered against the floor-to-ceiling glass walls. Her hands locked behind his head, pulling him close while his tongue repeatedly brought her to the edge of completion.

His hands gripped the steering wheel, and she remembered how tightly he’d clasped her hands in his last night just before their hips connected. Her mind wandered into a fantasy that was just as good as reality.

He was clothed now, but she’d run her hands across the taut muscles of his chest and strong shoulders last night. Her nails had raked down his naked back before her palms cupped his ass, her hips rising to meet his hard thrusts, her moans matching his grunts.

Oh god. She’d had sex with the Ethan Ramsey!

“Now what?”

She must have made a sound, for he briefly took his eyes off the road to stare at her, an eyebrow quirked in question.

“We had sex, Ethan,” Cassie blurted, losing her composure at the sight of impatient blue eyes, so much like how she remembered them from the first time they met.

He smirked. “Yes, we did. Multiple times if I recall correctly.”

Amused, Ethan winked at her before switching lanes and exiting the interstate. The car slowed to a stop at a red light at the top of the off-ramp, and he grinned at her.

“Are you blushing? Didn't have you pegged for a prude, Cassie.” His fingers traced her hot cheeks, and he stared intently at her lips. “Especially not after you mooned all of Boston last night.”

“Oh, just shut up, I’m not blushing!” she protested, wondering if there was any way she could check her reflection in the overhead visor mirror without Ethan noticing.

He chuckled, the deep rumble reminiscent of round two last night when she’d begged him to let her climax after he’d teased her over and over with his hands and tongue. Just like then, the sound sent a spike of lust and arousal through her body.

“For the record,” he drawled, leaning in, his lips hovering above hers. “You’re cute when you’re embarrassed.”

Cassie waited for the kiss with bated breath, but the light turned green, and the driver behind them honked.

Ethan lifted his hand in a wave and took his foot off the brake, turning left to join the country road toward Naveen’s place. Cassie remembered the turn-off from the drive earlier today and knew they had maybe fifteen-twenty minutes left.

Time to get serious, she lectured herself. Naveen and Landry were highly observant, and she needed to keep her emotions for Ethan under wraps.

A short while later, they were on a dirt road and could see the top of Naveen’s cabin ahead. Ethan parked the car beside a wood shed, switched off the engine and just sat there, staring unseeingly at the cabin walls outside.

“There’s still hope, Ethan,” she said gently, remembering his self-incriminating words earlier about letting his mentor down. “For you and Naveen, too. Your relationship isn’t broken.”

“I don’t know what we are, but I miss what we were,” he said. His earlier lightheartedness was replaced by profound sadness.

“And what is that?” she asked.

“Naveen believes in you, and I do too,” she insisted when Ethan didn’t respond.

Ethan twisted his lips wryly. He covered her hand resting on the console between them and squeezed it in silent gratitude.

Cassie longed to wrap her arms around him and pull him close in comfort. But someone might be watching from inside, and their alone time was at an end.

“We should go in, Dr. Ramsey,” Cassie said, pushing the car door open.

Ethan shook himself out of his reverie and turned to give her a small smile. “Yes, our patient awaits, Dr. Valentine.”

-------------

All Fics & Edits: @annfg8 @bluebelle08 @coffeeheartaddict2 @crazy-loca-blog @doriopenheart @genevievemd @headoverheelsforramsey @lucy-268 @jamespotterthefirst @jerzwriter @lady-calypso @mainstreetreader @peonierose @potionsprefect @queencarb @quixoticdreamer16 @rookiemartin @socalwriterbee @takemyopenheart @tessa-liam @trappedinfanfiction

Submissions: @choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics

Ethan & Cassie only: @cariantha @custaroonie @hopelessromantic1352 @mrs-ramsey

[kelpiemomma]

It's been a rough few weeks and I just got some bad news recently. Need a little bit of fluff in my life right now. For a prompt, how about Akari getting hurt, either emotionally or physically, and possibly trying to hide it from Ingo but him finding out anyway and helping her. Any verse would be fine.

i wrote 1k words of arms outstretch post-fic angst :,) this is definitely canon (to an extent, bc it's not yet finished, but the akari-problem is Real fjadsklfs) <3

-----

Unfortunately, Ingo hadn’t been with Akari in the realm Arceus had made for her. Therefore it was easy for it to slip his mind that she had trauma he didn’t always see. There were the obvious problems, of course. The way she clung to anyone around her, practically begging for the warmth of another body, was only getting better nearly a year after he’d gotten her back. She still frequently woke up from nightmares screaming and confused about where she was until Ingo could calm her down. Ingo himself wasn’t free from the repercussions either- every now and then he would walk into the kitchen and see a stranger making food, alarm shooting through him before he recognized his daughter. The fact that she had grown up some in their time apart didn’t help, and he mourned the years they’d lost.

But it was a long monsoon season that brought up one he’d failed to consider.

Looking back on it, it would make sense. Every time he’d met her within the dream area it had been raining. Heavy or light, a downpour or a drizzle, the rain had never stopped. While he had taken notice that every now and then her nightmares would be worse, that she would wake up screaming and terrified and refuse to let him go, the last several weeks had been so much worse. She had, of course, insisted that things were fine. That she didn’t know what was going on, why she couldn’t sleep, why when she did she would weep uncontrollably for several minutes.

Ingo was also beginning to lose sleep out of concern for his daughter. He slept lightly most nights, in spite of Emmet’s horrific snoring - the only time Emmet was louder than Ingo was at night - and each time Akari woke with a nightmare, Ingo woke with her. Jackie had pointed it out to Emmet who had forced Ingo to claim a sick day and stay home to get some sleep. Ingo protested, but when Emmet took all of their shoes with him to the subway he found himself sitting on the couch and staring out the window.

The rain had lessened for the first time in several days and was barely dripping, the sun breaking through clouds. Subway quickly made for the slim beam of light on the carpet, eager to soak up sunlight and warmth before it vanished again. Akari slipped out of her room, clearly exhausted. Her eyes had grown dark and were looking a little bloodshot. Ingo opened his arm in invitation and she collapsed onto the couch against him, pressing her cheek against his chest as she wrapped her arms around him. Ingo curled his arm around her shoulder in turn and let himself enjoy the peace. Gradually, Akari fell asleep on him, and for the first time in a while she was still.

And then the rain picked up again.

Ingo missed the first few twitches, mistaking them for her sleeping. He had been browsing his phone, looking through miscellaneous items for the house as well as new socks for work. The first whimper caught his attention, and then the grip tightening around him. He set his phone down and began to stroke his fingers through her hair, hoping it would put her at ease. It did, temporarily, but as the rain grew heavier and louder it ceased to work.

Thunder boomed, and with it Akari’s eyes shot open and she sprung to her feet. Ingo followed her up, saying her name before freezing.

She was standing in a way that he hadn’t seen in quite some time. Her shoulders were low, head hung down by her chest, and despite the fear she had been exhibiting in her sleep her breathing had also slowed. He watched as she took a deep breath in and let out a sigh before tilting her head back. Tears began to trickle down her cheeks as they stood there, Ingo uncertain of what to do.

“Akari?” He asked quietly.

The worst part was that she barely responded. She just turned her head a little and offered him a small smile.

“You’re here again.” she said quietly. A chill ran down Ingo’s spine.

“Here?” He asked.

She lifted a hand to wave lazily in the air.

“You know. Here.” There was a pause. “I’m glad it’s never wet. It’d be worse if it was wet.”

“If what was wet?”

“Everything! The rain never stops. I’m glad I can’t feel it.”

Fuck. The rain. Of course.

Akari was babbling on but Ingo had put his face in his hands.

The rain.

How many years had she spent in a downpour, never knowing when or if she’d make it out? She’d said that the time in Arceus’ little pocket dimension was funny, that she couldn’t say how long she’d been in there because time had never passed but that nothing ever changed either- including the weather. No wonder her sleep had gotten worse, that she’d been struggling to stay aware of where she was, because it had been raining non stop for days.

Ingo pulled his phone out of his pocket, texting Emmet we’re going on vacation. To the desert. For an undetermined time.

CASINO BATTLES???? Emmet immediately texted back.

We’ll discuss it on the way. Book the tickets.

ALL ABOARD!!!!!

Then he looked back at Akari, who’d gotten quiet again, and hated himself a little for taking so long to realize something was seriously wrong. Something beyond a flare up of discontent.

“Would you like a hug?” Ingo asked, because it was the only thing he could think to do. He didn’t know how long she would be lost in her mind, lost in her memories, for, but he wanted to provide whatever comfort he could. She nodded, and he quickly stepped forward to engulf her in his arms. “I promise, little one, I won’t leave you behind again. This time I intend to keep it, come hell or high water.”

[leos-soggy-wolf-nuts]

Green Flag: Leo x Kinda-self-insert Episode 1

I'm deciding to write these in many short bursts rather than in a few long stories. My need to write these is fleeting but powerful, like passion itself. Or that handjob in Carl's route.

Also, when I say "kinda-self-insert" I mean that the main character won't be me/my fursona, but he'll act generally the way I would in his situation. He's like if I was cooler.

This takes place a few years after Leo's good ending. Maybe...2019 or 2020 (the pandemic will not be included in this Echo AU.)

Final disclaimer: this is almost totally self-indulgent. Okay, thanks, enjoy.

Final final disclaimer: I don't know how car insurance works.

"Goddamnit." echoes through my bathroom as it dawns on me that I'm out of antler polish. It's snake oil, of course. I fidget with my glasses in frustration. Antlers don't need polish, it's just something that makes me feel better, like if I bring them into the realm of mundane self-care, they'll stop seeming so wild. That's what I don't like about the desert. All the heat and sunlight makes them awkwardly big. To me, anyway. Everyone else seems to like them.

Regardless, they clatter against the doorframe as I exit the bathroom to get my wallet and keys. My apartment is 3 rooms. The living room/kitchen, where I've lined up a few of my dirty novelty mugs on the coffee table, always just forgetting to take them to the sink. Then my bedroom, a windowless cave of iniquity, and finally the bathroom, which I keep comparatively nice and neat. My keys and wallet are on the dresser next to the front door, and I feel complete as they fill my pockets. More powerful. Like boarding a mech.

The Payton sun is...aggressive. I always fantasize about wearing leather jackets, right up until I exit my front door. I jog awkwardly to my car, un-relieved as I find each time that the inside has been cooked like a thanksgiving turkey. Wincing against the heat, I jam the key in the ignition as fast as possible to crank the AC, furrowing my brows as the engine stutters but won't go over the edge into a full start. This shit has been going on for weeks.

vp vp vp...vp vp vp...vp vp vrrMMMMMMM....

Fuck, finally. I've had to save up a little cash before going to the mechanic, and it seems like I'm bringing it just in time. It's never taken that many tries before.

Lo and behold, the AC isn't working either.

I ride slowly, with the windows down, through the busy main street of downtown Payton. My car creaks and sputters awkwardly as I reach the shop.

ALVAREZ AUTO REPAIR

I pull into their lot on a low incline, nearby a canine in a white t-shirt holding a clipboard. I open the door and step out, the hot air still cooler than the inside of my car. I drag my shoe idly across the asphalt. It's now I realize I don't know how this works.

"Hey, uh..." I say, my words hanging flaccid in the air. The canine continues facing his clipboard, but his eyes look up at me. He has a sort of...amused smirk on his face.

"Do you have insurance?" he asks me.

I think on it for a moment. "I do, yeah."

"Good."

CRASH!

I whip my head around and see the trunk of my car crumpled against the base of a tall street light.

"Fuck!" I shout. I didn't put the fucking car in Park. It rolled right down. The canine sauntered after me, grabbing a pen from his pocket and biting off the cap.

"Name?" he asked, voice slightly muffled with the cap still in his mouth.

"Lionel." I replied, exasperated, blood pumping as I watched smoke billow from my car. The canine shifted his stance, pulling the cap from his teeth.

"Do you have a last name?"

"Shit, sorry. Uh, C-E-I-R-W."

"Key-err-wuh?" he tried to pronounce. I laugh, despite the stress.

" 'Kayroo'. " I corrected. He nods, then takes a pensive breath.

"I think your car is broken."

I laugh again. "Oh really?"

He scribbled a little more on his paper, then clapped me on the shoulder. His paw is heavy, the type of weight I'd expect from someone resting a booted foot on my shoulder instead.

"I'll tell insurance it did that on its own. If they ask."

I turn to him, head on a tilt, keeping my antlers from hitting him.

"Thanks-" I pause, reading his name tag. "-Leo."

Shit, he's got a nice chest.

I clear my throat, pushing away the perverted thought before it becomes a problem. He smirks a little wider. "Of course. But I doubt you came here for the crash. What else is wrong?"

"Oh, it takes a while to start the ignition. And just today, the AC broke."

A sympathetic look crossed his expression.

"In this weather? Come on, let's get you inside the office."

I nod, and let him lead me there, my eyes wandering to his backside. Damn. I physically shake the thought away as he leads me into the shop's office. It's delightfully cool. Invoices, to-do lists, and part orders litter the sides of the desk and various bulletin boards, not to mention the file cabinet in the corner. Leo sits down behind the desk, and I sit across from him.

"So." he begins, "a slow start could be a bad battery, a problem with the starting circuit, a problem with the connection cables, a bad alternator, and a few other things. The point is... we'll have to keep it here for a little while."

I scratch the back of my neck. "Does Payton have like a, town car or whatever? So I could get to work?"

He taps his fingers on the desk. "What time do you go to work."

"8:30."

The wolf looks me up and down. It turns my face a little hot.

"I could give you a ride."

[afreakingdork]

Hello Beautiful! Before I begin, I have to say I love you so much T-T I’ve been lurking in your shadows since the first chapter of A Crush To Much. I thought it was a one shot at first but was giddy when I saw a part 2, then part 3, then I went fucking nuts when I realized it was instead a multi chapter story! I’ve been stuck on you like a remora ever since.

Ok now my questions, please bear with me for we’re going waaay back here to the beginning of WS.

Even though it’s not from his perspective, we can see when Donnie interest begins to change with us the reader. But when does he transition from this person is intriguing to they are attractive (mentally, physically or both) and I want to fuck their brains out?

(Also, low key like to know if the other ((NOT)) brothers have so’s?)

… I had another ask but I can’t remember atm… OH I REMEMBER! We see Donnie finding his inner BootyShaker9000 (tears of pride and happiness) but will he ever discover his (canon) love Jupiter Jim?

Awwww! I'm so soft! I think I've been called beautiful like once in my whole life so right off the bat you liquefied me! Gosh! You can't my first post! I'm so honored to have had you around all this time! Thank you for reaching out!!

Alright, let's see what I got for you!

So I have written what I like to call my Midnight Sun, which is a summary of the beginning of Weak Spot from Donnie's perspective (the name comes from Midnight Sun aka the Twilight book that does the same from Edward's perspective, so I gift you this:

So like the companion comic, Donnie doesn't 'see' other people anymore; they're just blobs. When reader sasses him about the sandwich it's the first time he 'glimpses' someone in years and that makes him curious. From there, the first meeting is him basically watching a hyperactive puppy vie for his attention the whole time which he pities. The thing is, reader isn't just that though. They're intuitive and, several times, he finds them reading his cues which he didn't think should have been obvious. It leaves him impressed and curious enough to test this anomaly again. Chapter 2 was a test in that he upped the stakes to see how reader would act outside their element (aka shop they're familiar with). The chip thing was not apart of the equation though. He only quizzes them over it because he saw them freaking out. Again, the conversation doesn't go as planned. This hasn't happened in years. Everyone has been so terribly predictable up until this point. When reader asks him if he likes eggs, that was the deciding moment for him. It was completely out of left field, but most of all, it was fucking earnest. Reader didn't want the conversation to end so they asked something wild, but, at the same time, it happened to be something they genuinely wanted to know. How could anyone want to know anything so banal and asinine about him? It was then he realized he was interested in more them as an more than anomaly. From there everything is an upward trend from that revelation~

This has been added to since; we know from chapter 49 that Donnie revealed he first realized he was down bad and had recorded a record of his feelings for reader back in chapter 8. I think that taking all that into account and the fact that Donnie was fighting for his life to finish the dinner in chapter 9 that it was safe to say he was just as attracted to reader as reader was to him by their first real date.

The other bros do not currently have SO's! Leo I'm saving for something special, Raph I just never came up with anything, and Mikey is aroace and too busy for a relationship.

So Jupiter Jim is something he was raised on and that sort of low budget scifi isn't something I think he can come to anymore. You get a special kind of nostalgia for things like that and our Donnie here never had a chance to be fun and silly. Weak Spot Donnie was unfortunately 'raised' with an impressed view on how terrible fake people are. He despises them and fake worlds by extension. He'd watch Jupiter Jim now and be appalled by how hokey it was. I'm just as sad about it, but we'll see how that goes going forward 👀W̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶b̶e̶c̶o̶m̶e̶ ̶a̶ ̶p̶a̶r̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶g̶e̶t̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶l̶ ̶u̶s̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶ ̶g̶o̶o̶f̶y̶ ̶m̶e̶d̶i̶a̶

Thank you so much for these questions! It was a blast to share! Also thank you again for being so darling!!! Made my day!

[fleurcareil]

New Brunswick: South Shore

My first break along the highway into New Brunswick was at Grand Falls, where there's benches next to the not-that-grand-but-still-impressive waterfalls. When I was here in 2010, I was stunned to realize that there's an hour time difference between NB & QC but I had now planned my driving schedule accordingly (I did check with the tourist info just to make sure I got it right!😃).

Next stop was for gas in Hartland which boasts to have the longest covered bridge in the world, but instead I found the shortest one besides the gas station 😅, courtesy of the chips factory next door. Getting tired from the driving already, I decided not to search for the long one, as I would undoubtedly see more on my trip (seen two since then).

I had been recommended to take the old highway from Fredericton to Saint John along the river, which was definitely worth it; not only did it have great views but I also suddenly saw something big along the road, thinking "funny, those people put up a statue of a moose on their driveway" (it's quite common to see sculptures of deer, roosters or scarecrows at driveway entrances, presumably to make it easier to find), so I continued at full speed ahead... A few second later, thinking "what if it's not actually a statue??" I slowed down and it turned out to be a real moose after all!! It didn't move, apart from twitching its ears when I got closer and then finally it made a few steps when I had stopped to take a picture. Amazing!!

After getting to the cabin at New River Beach provincial park, I went for a walk along the beach, which has apparently the best sand in the south, and then I sat down with a well-deserved beer & dinner looking out on the Bay of Fundy. It was cold that evening so happy to sit inside a cabin for a change!

Next day there was a thick fog that didn't disappear until 10am, so I made my way to St Andrews warmly dressed but luckily within an hour the sun came through. I spent quite some time at the Kingsbrae Gardens as they were really pretty so will create a separate post with a collage of pictures from there. Walked around the historic downtown (I always love murals!) and had pizza on a bench overlooking the harbour.

I was waiting for the low tide to kick in to drive over to Ministers Island, which can only be accessed by driving over a sandbar. I initially thought it was a bit of a marketing stunt until a car in front of me got stuck in the soft wet sand, so I then made sure to follow someone who seemed to be a local!

The entire island used to be property of Sir William Van Horne, whom I had never heard of, but who was an influential man; not only did he design & construct the railway across Canada (6 years ahead of schedule), he also was key in convincing government to designate national parks (starting with Banff to attract rich tourists for the train, so as usual it was for the money but the environment and us all benefited from it as well 😃) and was an avid painter, Japanese bowl collector, violinist and inventor amongst others. A so-called Renaissance man except that he apparently did not appreciate his daughter, favouring the younger son and grandson instead... So much for being a truly great guy! 😜

Besides the 50-room house, the island contains also a pretty bathhouse with a tidal pool in front of it (with the warm sand heating the incoming tide), a windmill well and a carbide gas generator (for lighting in the house) as well as a 3-storey barn for prize-winning horses and cattle... impressive!

Having made it back to the mainland, I had a great evening with Bob, Diane and their daughter Laura at a delicious Thai restaurant in Saint John... I had met Bob in 2019 when starting a new project for work and wesrayed connected through his son-in-law Duncan who worked for the vendor for several years, we clicked somehow 🤩.

The following day it rained instead of fog 😒 so after having done my laundry I headed to Saint John for sightseeing there. Bob had recommended to visit the Reversing Falls, which are not actual falls so not much to take a photo of, but a location where you can see the water flow upstream against the current when it becomes high tide... the direction of the water seemed wrong though compared to the tidetable, and we later discovered that evening that the bottleneck of the river creates a 2.5 to 4hr delay in the tides between the Reversing Falls and the open harbour less than a kilometer away... It took us some brainstorming over a bottle of wine but we figured out why without Google! 😉

I walked around the City Market, historic streets and Market Square for a bit until the rain started in earnest and then had haddock cakes & a beer at Britt's, a local favorite restaurant.

In the afternoon, I met Duncan and Laura at their home along the Kennebecasis River and had a great time on their boat, seeing tens of jumping sea bass and sturgeon in what is basically their backyard. Being able to work mostly from home in such a place is a luxury beyond words and I'm grateful to have experienced it. Bob & Diane came over for dinner which consisted of great conversations over seared scallops and a traditional lobster boil, my first one! 💖

Having been pampered at their place, I set off in the morning for the last stretch of untamed wilderness along New Brunswick's south shore; the Fundy Trail. Before that however, I met this friendly gentleman who lives at Duck Pond Beach who explained about the history of Split Rock (and who purchased his property at the beach for $10,000 40 years ago!) and had lunch at the St Martins sea caves, passing enroute through a covered bridge 😍

By the time I got to the Fundy trail the rain had changed into a thunderstorm (which always scares me) so I ended up waiting it out for an hour at the interpretative centre & learned about a historic sawmill village. The Fundy trail has tons of impressive nature, including vistas over the shoreline, waterfalls and famous Long Beach which extends for half a kilometer at low tide...better not venture too far out when the tide comes back up! The last stop within the trailway was at the Eye of the Needle Gorge which can be seen from an observation platform high over the valley. 

Very last stop of the day was at Cape Enrage, which I had expected to be as wild as the Capes in Newfoundland but this was rather tame and uninteresting as it's managed foremost as a zipline adventure park... the beach nearby was pretty though! After the mostly rainy day, I was happy to sit in the settting sun on the deck of my camping cabin overlooking a little pond 🤗.

This morning I'll briefly visit the Hopewell Rocks, where I've kayaked several years ago at high tide and then walked on the ocean floor at low tide a few hours later. It's very impressive to visualize the tide difference but it's even higher on the other, deeper side of the bay so won't dwell too long here because I can't wait to explore Nova Scotia next!

This is already the end of my second week travelling... distance driven this week: 1729 km

Wildlife: 1 moose (along the road), 2 turkey (Fundy Trail), 1 rabbit (Hopewell Rocks)

SUPs: none

Hikes: 3 small ones but all with stairs or steep uphill 😒 (along the Fundy Trail)

[olderjodijournals]

Monday, May 1, 1995

 

I can't believe it's May already! Well, I don't really have anything to say right now, other than I hope I get my CD today. I'll write about the weekend later.

Tuesday, May 2, 1995

 

Better get on with the writing before I slip too far behind. I just may get this annoying lower gut of mine checked out now that I’ve got real insurance and real doctors. Tom and I are still sure it’s gas and lousy eating habits. However, If I go and tell a doctor that I’ve had these constant feelings of gas and bloating and that my lower right gut is more swollen, maybe I’ll be told some other tip to help it that I don’t know about. I discussed this with Mom and Tammy, and they said to see a doctor.

Bill’s home now after two months and I sent him a welcome home letter. Why I did when I never really cared too much for the guy beats me. Maybe cuz it’d make Tammy happy.

I also left Lenore a note after all. Yesterday I put a note on her door thanking her for understanding and considering my earlier request (yes, it’s been wonderfully quiet around here). I said I was home a lot and that she could ring the doorbell if she wants to chat or have coffee. I’m sure she’s a very busy person, but I only hope the oldest kid can watch all the others if she were to decide to pop on over.

I finished the two puzzles my parents sent, taped their backs, and put them up on the living room and kitchen walls. I had a music puzzle I had done a few months ago and I put that back together too, and up on the door of the little room off the back room. Luckily, I didn’t crumble it up when I stuck it back in its box, so I only had to redo 5% of it.

I also put my little white plastic shelf up in the bathroom that I got from Nancy H. That’s the one who lived in Jai’s studio the first time I was living on Woodside Terrace when I was 21. I was 20, actually, when I first moved into that apartment.

I put up a Nintendo game holder on the living room wall by the TV.

I sorted more disks in the back room and grouped the two sizes together. Tom and I have both done lots of sorting of all kinds of stuff in the back room. We’re gonna get more shelves for books, magazines, and disks.

I called the 800# where I ordered the 70s CD. According to them, I’ll get it on the 10th. Oh, I hope so!

Our modem is completely broken, so we’re gonna get a newer, faster one.

Dad probably spent last night somewhere in the Carolinas. He’s gonna be at Tammy’s tonight. Tammy isn’t too thrilled about the fact that he’s mostly gonna be in Brimfield and only spend a couple of days there. That’s how they usually are, though. He has friends there. The E’s. I met them back in ‘89 with Boo and Max, and Max wouldn’t shut his big mouth.

When I called ma I asked if dad was in the land of the old, ugly, and expensive and she goes, “Speak English.”

Typical response from her. She was pleasant, though, other than that. She said Heidi threw up all over. Max and Heidi are their dogs. They’re poodles. That’s all they’ve ever had since I’ve been alive.

Alex has no doubt been trying to get ahold of me through AOL, so I sent him a regular letter letting him know our modem was a goner, but that I’d contact him as soon as I could.

We did end up swimming on Sunday and I swam twice yesterday, too. Tom heated it up a little to give it a jump-start, even though it’s been between the upper 80s to low 90s. The pool temperature was 84º on Saturday, 86º yesterday and today it’s 81º. It’ll go up to 84º - 86º before the day’s out.

Yesterday Tom suggested I try to draw a cartoon and I tried to draw 6 scenes. The first 5 of a bunny running. The last scene was to have it meet up with another rabbit with a carrot. By the time I got to scene 3, it was like - no way! I’d need some pictures to copy. I’m not quite talented enough to be able to do it off the top of my head.

Later...

It is a hot one out there! I went to get my 10 minutes or so of gradual sun exposure and color while I did a word puzzle. Ten words later, though, I was frying and you know how fast I am at word puzzles. The pool’s 82º but it feels much cooler. Anyway, I am definitely getting color.

I’m gonna straighten my hair soon, so I’ll be back after I do that.

Later...

The pool is gonna wait a couple of days now since I straightened my hair. No problems with my ear when I went swimming. Dr. Nielsen was right when he said I’d be able to get water out if it easier cuz the canal’s straight. Yup, it ran right out.

The day before yesterday he went down on me and I came as usual. My desire’s picking up now since I’m mid-cycle.

As I said before, Tom gives off more desire to have a kid, but some things are still mixed and confusing to me. He says he doesn’t want to wait, but yet yesterday when I said I may be ovulating he said he’d rather have sex for fun and not worry about that. He says he can’t mix work with fun and that that’d be stressful. Well, I’ve seen him mix work and fun numerous times and millions of people have that on their minds, plan, and get pregnant. Most of the guys cum, though. I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I’m with a guy who doesn’t cum. I love Tom and we’ll always be together, even though we’ll never have a child, but why? It doesn’t make sense for him to be playing with my head on this subject, cuz head players play in all subjects. Meaning, if he were leading me on with having a kid, he’d do it with other things and do other stuff that’s worse, right?

There was one situation a month or so ago that did bug and annoy me, though. He first started by saying, “We’re gonna be jealous of David and Evie.” It was almost like he wanted to give me a few seconds to think, oh, she’s having another kid and we don’t even have one. But the thing we were supposed to be jealous of was that they got a big-screen TV. What he really feels and thinks is sort of irrelevant, though, cuz it’s not gonna happen, cumming or not.

Andy told me that a girl who left her boyfriend moved into his place for his last month there. I hope he finds something by June 1st cuz he already gave his 30-day notice. I think his moving is foolish cuz he loves his apartment and isn’t gonna find anything much nicer for much cheaper.

Anyway, he told me all about this girl. Yes, he’s still the same old gossiper. It works out OK, though, cuz we’re not both this girl’s friend. He says she cleans well and is a cool person, but he’s not happy about her having company while he’s out, or tweaking. Tweak is a type of speed. He says carless, jobless losers along with assholes, mental cases, and druggies are all that are attracted to him. Yeah, I know all about that as for every one good person there are 1000 assholes. However, as I told him, that doesn’t mean he has to open his door and associate with these low-life jerks just cuz they’re all that’s available.

Later...

It sure is windy out there now and it seems to be a lot. It’s weird, though, cuz when I first got here it seemed that it was always dead still out.

I tried to draw a picture of Norah earlier. The picture came out OK, but it doesn’t look like her.

I took a blank notepad and divided it into 5 sections. 1. Letter notes to Kim and Bob. 2. Letter notes to my parents and Tammy. 3. Projects. 4. Story notes. 5. Journal notes.

I’ve often wondered what it’d be like and what I’d write if I were beginning my very first journal now. I’m sure my grammar, spelling, and vocabulary would be much better than in my first one. Maybe someday I’ll do this and see how I’d write as if it were my first one.

Hurry up, mailman!

Wednesday, May 3, 1995

 

My God, I honestly don’t believe it! Andy finally sent the card he got Tom for doing his taxes. Andy’s one of those who either never does what he says he’s gonna do or he does it 10 years after he says he’s gonna do it. Anyway, I’m not gonna open it cuz it’s addressed to him, but I’m sure he’ll be quite pleased and I’ll see it later.

The cutting of all the edit tapes is finally done. I have two 90-minute tapes filled up and half a side of a third.

We got a new modem which is faster and goes inside the computer. I sent Alex a message and got one from him. I’m surprised there weren’t several from him asking where the fuck I’ve been. He sent the sign language disk by UPS. Why is he using UPS and not regular mail?

I called CT and Bill answered. He’s doing OK and the girls got their letters. I quickly talked to Tammy, then Dad got on. He goes, “Jodi Lin! I went by your old place in Niantic and gave them the finger. We were by Genovese, Shop Rite, etc.”

Yup, that’s a 2-minute walk to Oakwood Knoll if you cut through the woods. I also reminded him that that’s Norwich, not Niantic. He asked if I got the package and what I thought about the catalog. I told him just what I typed in their letter about that and all the other stuff in the package. Ma said she’s saving all the letters in his drawer for him. He got the letter all about it right after he split.

He said when he left Florida, he left in shorts and it was 85º. It was in the 50s in North Carolina and last night it was raining and a chilly 47º when he arrived in CT. He said he had to sleep under the covers since it was cool.

Friday he’ll be at Larry’s.

Andy and I used to sing bits and pieces of this song called How Do You Do, but neither of us has heard it in years. Well, I got it taped today and left the bulk of it on his VM.

Thursday, May 4, 1995

 

Well, I’m dubbing the second edit tape right now for Andy. He’s gonna hang onto the backups. I won’t dub the third tape, though, till it’s filled up. The next step is to type up all the edits. I’ve already got a tape’s worth of them already typed up. When I’m done with that I’ll send Kim and Bob a copy, and I asked Andy if he wants one.

Yesterday I took a beautiful shirt that’s way too tight since my chest has grown a couple of inches and I took off its colored jewel stones. Then, I glued them on 83’s binder.

Friday, May 5, 1995

 

Amazingly, I finished typing all the edits yesterday. On a size of point 9 they take up 19 pages. I condensed it down to 11 pages with point 7 or 6, and I’m sending copies to Andy, Kim and Bob.

Yesterday I also got the signing program disk from Alex. It’s pretty cool, although some of the illustrations are poorly drawn. The quiz is no challenge for me since it’s really for beginners. A sign comes up with 5 words next to it and you click on the word you think it is and it tells you if you’re right. Boy, times have changed! When I learned, it was from a book. It’s so much easier and more convenient for people to learn on the computer where you can just scroll down a list in alphabetical order and the sign comes up with each word. It’s just harder to carry around with you like it is to take a book out to wherever.

Later...

I laid out earlier and did a few other things. I did some word puzzles when I was out. I washed my comforter, changed the bed, sang, made spag, did a few dishes, and typed a few letters. I think I’ll go type up some of 76 now.

Later...

Tom just got off of work at 4:00, but he mentioned stopping at a hardware store for shelves. We’re gonna put up more wooden shelves to replace those flimsy plastic ones. We’re also gonna put up ones that are only about 6” in depth (from the wall on out) for all his disks.

I’d like to check into clipart and decorating stationary. Papers I type letters on and journal stuff. Alex used that really cool FBI seal in his letter. Supposedly, there are ways to get pictures around or amid stuff you type. I’ve seen and done it before, but I’d like to know more about it. Especially how the seal was done. It was on the paper beforehand and it’s very light so your typing can be seen and read easily.

Gotta trim my bangs one of these days real soon. It looks really scruffy and I still have a million split ends.

A couple of mornings ago I was horny as Tom was going to work. He told me I’d have to take care of myself till he got back. I asked if he ever took care of himself when I’m asleep. He said if he has the time. I asked if he just gets himself horny and aroused, or does he go all the way? He said he only gets himself horny and aroused. God! I hate to call my husband a liar, but I just don’t see how this is possible. Especially for as long as we’ve been together. I mean, he may not be a typical male, but he’s still a guy. A human being. I’m sure he relieves himself whenever he can. Either that or he has wet dreams constantly. He probably just told me that so as not to upset me. Why would I bother getting upset over it after all this time? I might if it kept going on for years. Then again, maybe not, cuz I don’t expect a change even though he’s 100% sure it will. He says things can “suddenly” change and he says he doesn’t want to wait. Yet there are no actions to go with these words.

We were discussing last night how I’m afraid to succeed and move on, even with the stuff I want and it’s true. I told him, though, there are things he could do too, that’d help us both. I told him that as far as us sleeping together, to either move in or don’t. I still feel the same about that. I want him to cuz we love each other and would feel more “married,” but that’s a classic example of how changes and progress can scare me. I just don’t want to return to the days of having to deal with being woken up constantly. Also, he promises not to trash this room, but I still have to see that to believe it. As far as I’m concerned, the rest of the house is one thing, but this room is my space.

Time for a cigarette, then I shall return to write more.

Later...

I just listened to a message from Andy that he must’ve left when I was out back or had the music on. His roommate who’s 100% better, loved my little crayon can that I made him as well as the edits. Especially Karson’s. So many people like the edits, and two of his friends, Quinn and Goofy, have copies. I told him I gotta start charging people $5 per tape!

I’m gonna go food shopping this Sunday with Tom, but I sure as hell ain’t looking forward to the fucking crowd. I really hope he gets at least one weekday off soon, preferably two.

Later...

I just decorated several pages. My own homemade journal clipart.

Well, it’s almost 6:00, so I guess Tom wasn’t too tired. I was kind of panicky last night for the first time in a while. There is hope, though, of getting over and growing out of certain things.

Later...

Tom found a note for me on the front door dated March 8th. Two of the girls next door typed it up on their computer, which is a piece of shit like Tammy’s, but very sweet and sincere. I’ll put it in my binder with all my other letters.

I typed out a quick thanks-for-the-letter-and-understanding note and stuck it in their door next door. How can they play on the other side of their house, though, like they said they’ve been doing? The other side of their house would be the driveway of the other house next to them. Nonetheless, it’s been great around here and I’m so glad, cuz most people just don’t give a shit. I know all too well about that thanks to Barbara, Robert, and Andi.

Before I get into what Tom bought, let me back up to what I was saying right before he got home. The reason why I have the hope of getting over and growing out of wanting a child is cuz people’s desires and goals do change. Also, here are examples. When I was around 21, I knew it was never meant for me to be with a woman. Yes, I’m still right, as well as wrong with things I feel. It took me a few years, but I did live through it and got to the point where I could deal with it, accept it, move on, and get over it.

Tom got more shelves as I said he was gonna, but we’ll still need more. The guy’s got a lot of books, magazines, and disks. He got a fluorescent light for the kitchen, like the one by the computer. He got wiring for the garage, so we can have a light to flick on when we’re coming and going at night. Right now there are only 2 or 3 long fluorescent lights towards the center and back of the garage and one that’s sound activated. It looks like a nightlight. Lastly, we finally have a garbage disposal! Yes! No more scraping and straining food out to dump in the pail, and hopefully no more clogged sink either.

Saturday, May 6, 1995

 

Tom put up our new shelves in the back room and he's now installing the garbage disposal. Guess what came in the mail today? The CDs! Linda's Living in the USA came as well as the 70s one.

Monday, May 8, 1995

 

I went to bed last night close to 11 PM and got up at 4:30 this morning.

Yesterday we went grocery shopping, then over to his parents. Marge is gonna put straps on a halter-top I have that falls right down. Tom was showing her stuff on the computer, while Ray entertained me on the Pachinko machine.

After we left, we went to a park with life-size metal statues of people. They looked so real. Especially from a distance.

Lastly, we went to the Osco where I got 3 small 100-piece puzzles. They’re only 7 x 9, but they’re so cute. I got one of rabbits, cats, and dogs. They’re up on the kitchen wall now.

I also got makeup remover, nail polish, and a very smart purchase I saw advertised on a TV commercial. Oil of Olay has a body shampoo with a pink scrubbing puff and supposedly you won’t need lotion with this stuff. It’s great! It really lathers up well, all you need is a little drop and it really works. This is so much more convenient cuz putting lotion on is a pain in the ass. Especially when I’m trying to do my back. It’s greasy, too.

I forgot to mention what I got for only $9 at the grocery store. A lamp/organizer. The lamp is on a long stick-like thing you can adjust to wherever. It came with paper clips, thumbtacks, a notepad, and a built-in tape dispenser. The tape dispenser’s too low and all messed up, but this is OK since we’ve got 4 of them around here. It’s got other slots and grooves for stuff. On it, I’ve got pens, drawing pencils, erasers, paper clips, the notepad, address labels and stamps.

Andy left a message saying he got the typed edits. He said he couldn’t believe I could sit there and type that for hours, and he couldn’t see himself reading it unless he was totally bored. He will, though, he says, cuz of all the time and work I put into it.

Later...

You have no idea just what a relief it is to see them so quiet next door. For the first time since they’ve been here, I can honestly say I hope they don’t move. With my luck, they’ll move soon and another huge family will move in. The difference would be that the parents would be like most people and not give a shit.

I called Tammy who says Bill’s not doing too well. Dad will be there next Mon. and will be leaving the following Wednesday which is the 17th. On the 19th he’ll be back in Florida.

When I told her that her genius brother-in-law put in a garbage disposal, she said, “So.” Then I remembered her house doesn’t have one, so maybe she’s jealous.

I told her big sisters are supposed to look out for little sisters and little sisters are supposed to tell big sisters about health and beauty stuff so I told her about that Oil of Olay body wash.

I had 3 songs on oldies #1 tape that are now on CD, so I stuck songs in their spots from an incomplete tape.

Tom and I had a hot debate a few days ago and I totally disagree with everything he said. He asked if I wanted him to get a vasectomy cuz he was sick of playing this game. I said, “Excuse me?”

Yeah, I can be contradicting on the subject of having a kid, cuz there are both reasons to do so, as well as to not do so, but he is just as contradicting about it. All I can do on my part in the hopes of getting pregnant is lay back and spread my legs. Meanwhile, he’s done nothing to put his actions where his mouth and desires are. Then he goes on to tell me he can suddenly start cumming just like that. Yeah, right. Then why doesn’t he?

Then he says he has to be sleeping with me before we can make a kid which I know wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference. So, I finally told him, “Look. Don’t be leading me on. You say you think I’ll be pregnant between May and July and we both know this isn’t true. Next, you’ll say you think it’s gonna be between August and October, and well…don’t. I don’t want to hear it.”

Plus, he knew we couldn’t be sleeping together full-time by May and July, so why did he say we had to sleep together to make it? Meaning, why’d he say May to July when he should know that’s too soon to sleep together? Our not sleeping together may make me feel “abnormal,” but it’s just not gonna happen. He said failing’s when you don’t try, not when you try and something doesn’t work out. Well, Saturday night we tried it and boy did I ever feel like a failure. He disagrees with me, but yes I did try and no I can’t change myself. It’s not that I don’t want to, cuz I can carry on my business of writing, listening to music, etc. It’s just not me. There are always some things about ourselves we cannot change and I don’t want myself or him to kid ourselves about it. Just like I couldn’t make myself be tall, I can’t sleep with him, maintain a schedule, have a kid, or quit smoking.

Like I said before, it’ll take time, but I’ll get over not having a kid. Most people don’t like or want the same things forever. I got over never being with a woman more often and I don’t miss not having that. There are only a few things I hope I never get sick of and bored with like Tom, singing, and writing. Well, actually, there’s lots of stuff I hope I’ll always be into.

Shit, I got a wart growing on the front of my thigh, a few inches above my knee.

Tuesday, May 9, 1995

 

I amazingly slept last night from about 10 PM - 8 AM. I slept solidly. I didn’t wake up to go to the bathroom and I can’t remember one dream. Just when I asked myself why I did that, cuz my schedule was actually backing up, I remembered having to take an allergy pill last night. I felt groggy upon waking up and I still do.

Yesterday Tom said he felt like he had a cold, and I finally began working on my story.

Tom had read the letter from the two girls next door. He never said anything about it and told me it was up to me to talk to them if I wanted to, but I wonder. He likes the sound of kids (or seems to) and told me months ago that he hoped I’d get used to it cuz he wants a kid someday. Maybe I’m wrong, but he always seemed to want me to be around when they were noisy. I’ve also noticed that whenever I’m around when he’s watching TV he flips the channel to kids’ stuff, cartoons, and shows. I’m beginning to feel more and more like he’s teasing me with the subject of a kid. Why, though? Why would he do this to me? I have a bad feeling that he knew all along since day one he’d never cum. He’s said just as much stuff about wanting one as he’s said about not wanting one, but I’m beginning to believe anything he’s ever said about wanting one was only to make me happy. Did he know all along he’d never cum? Was he against having a kid from day one? If he really is, and if he really is teasing me, then why? How can a guy who’s otherwise one in a million do this and play with my head this way? He denies teasing me, but if he really wants a kid that bad, why doesn’t he cum? Why say he wants it? Why say he thinks the responsibility would be good for me and that he feels I’d be a good mother?

I asked him a while back if he’d say he came every now and then cuz that’d turn me on and make me feel more normal, so to speak. He said he couldn’t do that cuz he’d feel like he was lying. Yeah, well, I have a feeling he said that as a cover-up for those other two times he claimed to cum which he didn’t.

I was half wrong about one thing, though, but he clarified himself yesterday. He said it’s not mandatory that he sleep with me to get me pregnant, but says it’ll help. I agree and can understand that, but people do get pregnant by people who don’t even live with them. The guy’s got too many excuses, whether they’re legit or not. He’s sick, he tired, he’s out of shape, got things on his mind, etc.

Well, there are still other facts to consider too, with or without him cumming. Is my plumbing OK? If there is really a God (which I’m not always too sure of) does He think it will kill me in the ways I always feared? Does He want me to keep this wonderful life I never thought I’d have with nothing to interfere with it or ruin it? Does He think it’s wrong? Does He want me to wait till I’m 40? Will the desire ever go away like others have? God, I have so many of the same never-ending questions. Will they ever get answered?

Later...

Tom would be the perfect husband if he’d only stop putting off things, trying to change certain things, and if I only knew and he could prove that this baby thing isn’t all just one big joke on me. There have been countless things we were gonna buy, make, or do that he constantly puts off. I know these things take time, aren’t always in the budget, and he’s been trying harder lately. However, I really think it’s part of his trying to force and instill patience in me. He denied that and I believe 95% or more of the stuff he tells me, but there are still some things I just cannot buy so easily.

He also tells me he’d never try to change me and how I’m such a good decorator. So why does he put stuff back in places he knows I don’t put them? I think it’s for two reasons. One’s cuz he’s trying to show me that my way isn’t the only way. He once even commented to me saying I have this certain assumption of how things should be. The other is cuz I really believe he’s obsessed with me picking up after him.

I’m skeptical about the final finishing of the back room. He’ll only re-trash it. Forget about doing his room and going through and ditching or sorting through a basket of old clothes of his. We were supposed to do that 6 months ago.

He said he wanted to call about getting business licenses on May 1st. He could’ve called or gone there after work. This business thing has me wondering just like with the kid. He’s full of shit!

Anyway, if life stays just as it is (even though he says change is inevitable), then fine. It’s better than my old life, but I’m always gonna be angry about being led on. I just wish he’d stop saying he’s gonna do stuff that he never does or that he does 6 months after he says it.

I proofread the stories he said he was gonna read long ago and says he’ll read this weekend.

Just when our 90º weather dropped off to the 70s and threw the pool temp down to 70º, it’s back. Back in the 90s, so soon it’ll be plenty comfortable for a swim. It’s 76º now and I know most people could deal with that, but it seems I can’t deal with it under 83º.

My stomach’s been looking and feeling so much better since I stopped eating dairy. Less gas, bloating, and constipation.

Wednesday, May 10, 1995

 

Tom had an interview this morning with Bank of America that I just know went well and has good benefits. I only hope the pay is good and his hours and days off are what we want.

We’re gonna be ordering some sex toys if Tom doesn’t forget, cuz you have only 10 days to mail it in if you want 50% off. We haven’t filled out the form yet, but some of the things we may get are chocolate cream (for when he goes down on me), a fruit-flavored body massage oil that warms the body as you rub it on, so you don’t get chilled. Maybe a clit vibrator too, for when I’m on my own.

Later...

Yeah!! That movie, A Woman of Substance with Norah in it is on this Sunday. The only problem is, the damn thing runs for 6 hours and 15 minutes. I’ll either have to have Tom record a half hour or so of it in his room or find a way to make sure I’m up to sit there and pause it on commercials till I’ve cut 15 minutes of those out. If only I didn’t have 3 fucking appointments this month to get in the way! I’ll ask Tom what he thinks is the best way to handle it and together we’ll figure it out.

I got up at 10:00 this morning and couldn’t get in to retrieve our messages. After an hour of being on hold and typing up several pages, I finally got through to a VM repairperson. They’re working on it now and they say we’ll get a discount.

Later...

Thank you, Kim!! We had a little chat yesterday about the birds and the bees which really helped me to feel less alone. When I called her I told her I’d thought about bringing this up to her before and was wary of it, till I told myself, hey, what are friends for?

I told her Tom’s never cum since we’ve been together and that he said he did once, but nothing came out. Well, she told me that she could never feel Mark or Doug cum, and that yes, that’s possible. Possible for them not to have a discharge or have only a very small one, I mean. I asked her if it were possible for a guy to cum while they’re going really slow. Yup, she said. Doug’s that way. She says Tom’s most definitely not kidding about sexual issues or about having a kid. This is cool, cuz while it’s natural for me to be a skeptic here and there, I know he’s been honest about everything else. Maybe except for when Kim, Phil, and Alex were here, though. She agreed with me that if he were playing with my head over this, he’d play with my head over all kinds of things. People don’t usually lie about 1-3 things. They lie about almost everything. Soon, I’ll write about what she asked me and what I told her that made her feel better and less alone.

Later...

About the question Kim had for me - she told me she’s never cum by penetration and wanted to know more about that. I remember when I was about 21 I had the same questions. I let her know that I, as well as half of the women in this world, can’t cum by penetration alone. When Tom’s in there, I have to do my clit with my hand as much as I enjoy Tom in there. Me telling her this made her feel just as good as it did me when she let me know I’m not alone. She also told me that Doug doesn’t always cum, not that he doesn’t enjoy what she does. She says he also goes from hard to soft a lot like Tom does and has no problems getting hard either.

OK - these people next door have been doing great, so why are the kids out there screaming now, and is it even them? I hear a boy that sounds older than the boy next door and I hear some vehicle running, but it doesn’t sound close enough to be next door, so who knows?

Thursday, May 11, 1995

 

I’m out back right now and it’s absolutely gorgeous. The perfect temp. Earlier it was pretty hot at 92º. The pool temp made it up to 79º today. Why does 79º feel like 59º? Well, I didn’t swim, but come late afternoon I was able to quickly dip in up to my neck.

I’m still troubled with thoughts of having a kid, but it’ll keep on getting less and less and I’ll outgrow it, I’m sure. Especially when I look at all the negatives of having a kid. While I may believe more what he and Kim say about his not cumming, I still believe he’ll never cum whether or not I mention a kid. And he knows this. I only hope the day will come that he’ll admit this and not be indirectly or directly leading me on. I sure as hell don’t want to believe for a minute that he could be leading me on about this one subject, but time will continue to tell. He may not be a TM (typical male), he may say he wants a kid and mean it, but he’s still a guy. Having a kid ain’t much of a guy thing.

I made our swing quite comfy. I stuck that twin-size foam mattress on it and threw a sheet over it.

Gotta go online with Alex soon.

Later...

I chatted with Alex for about 40 minutes. This time we had no problems sending each other private instant messages. He got a job with IBM up in Burlington Vermont which he’s moving to real soon. Vermont - yuck!

Saturday, May 13, 1995

 

We’ve sure been busy these last couple of days.

Tom’s putting together stuff for his parent’s computer that he’s gonna bring over tomorrow. His dad is 83 today.

Yesterday’s appointment was a waste as far as we’re concerned. They don’t really know what they’re doing in that particular area. She said a certain low pitch has gotten worse, but oh well. I know how I hear and that’s in between nothing and the good ear, so who cares about hearing tests? It’s probably a little gunked up with dead skin and he may want to vacuum it this time around when we go to Dr. Nielsen on Monday. At least it didn’t hurt and they didn’t put anything on to crush my skull. She just had me hold up one earpiece to my ear and didn’t test the good ear since that’s not what we’re concerned with.

After the boring hearing test, we went to the mall and ate. Then we went to a bookstore. Their journals were boring, but I did get another huge word search puzzle book. Who knows if my subscription will ever arrive? It seems like every other thing you order by mail never comes. Andy never got his 70s CD.

Tom got a computer disk with a book. I also got a few other things. A library book, and cuz he was a day late getting the last book back, he owed 30¢. I said, “Bad boy.”

Then the woman asked if the book was for me and I said yes. Then she says, “Don’t be a bad girl.”

I got my third doggie mug, so now I have a collie, an Irish setter and a cocker spaniel, and a huge puzzle of ice cream sundaes.

Sunday, May 14, 1995

 

Well, Norah’s movie will be going on in 7 hours. Tom’s gonna cut some commercials. I’m gonna set my alarm for noon and I’ll cut commercials when I get up too, if he was unable to cut 15 minutes’ worth.

Tonight will be the Judds movie.

I spoke to Mom today who got my card today and was laughing with her over what Lisa and Tammy told me. It was only 45º there! HA! And poor dad’s stuck in it.

Tomorrow we’ll probably go swimming. All it needs is 5-8 more degrees on it and it’ll be perfectly comfortable.

There are more odds and ends I suppose I could write about. However, I’m gonna go work some more on that ice cream puzzle.

Monday, May 15, 1995

 

This will definitely be the last huge journal I’ll get. I still like it. It’s just a little awkward to write in. Especially when I lay in bed.

A few nights ago I puked. Thankfully it wasn’t much and I only puked once. I was nauseous, though, for a few hours before and after. Tom helped calm me down and what he told me sure has had me feeling much better. You see, I told myself that if I don’t talk about a kid it may help him get off (this is what he says, but I don’t believe he’ll ever get off either way). The bad side of that, though, is that it gets all bottled up. I didn’t want to talk about it, though, cuz I didn’t want him to feel pressured.

Then he finally said, “Look. We can’t have you sick, so talk about it all you want. I don’t want you keeping it in and bottling it up any more than I would with any other issue.”

This has made me feel so much better. It’s actually made me even think of a kid less often. Sure, I still want one, however, I still do have my fears about it, love to sing, and do all my other hobbies and there’s no fucking way I can be a day person every day. The way I see it, though, is we’ll probably never be able to have one, but it’s good to know I can still discuss it. Especially when I know that not discussing it isn’t gonna magically change things.

He brought the computer over to his parents today and he brought back my halter-top. She put straps on it and did a great job.

I didn’t know the Judds movie was a two-parter, but it is. I saw part one. It was great.

As for Norah’s movie - all her clothes are pitiful, cuz it’s set in the early 1900s, but she really doesn’t look bad at all. Her hair’s not too long, but it isn’t short. It’s about shoulder length. All her movies are so boring, except for The Guardian. I love to watch her, though, and I’ve got lots more to see. Tom did a fine job cutting commercials so they’d fit.

I finished the puzzle and taped it. I’ll put it up on the kitchen wall tomorrow.

Gotta see Dr. Nielsen tomorrow.

Later...

Dr. Nielsen’s appointment went great. It looks so healthy, that it’s even producing wax. So, he cleaned out a few flakes of dead skin and now I don’t have to go back till August 14th! Then, 6 months after that, which will be 1996, then a year after that which will be 1997. Tom was right about it all. He’s right about everything except saying things will be done or happen at certain times, his getting off, and us having a kid.

I left Andy and my mom a message about my ear, then called Tammy’s. She goes, “I don’t want to hear about your weather or your pool.”

Then Dad got on the phone and said, “It was 40º this morning and when I was working outside in Brimfield it was nothing but freezing and rain.” Then he goes, “Wait a minute. Let me take off my gloves.”

I was cracking up and I told him it was that way just for him and that it’d warm up when he leaves. True, he says, the weather is to warm up Wed. He’ll be leaving tomorrow and will arrive in Florida Thurs.

He was happy about my ear and said he believes Mom’s taping the Judds movie. I told Ma on her machine to call me if she hasn’t taped it for whatever reason and that I’d send it if need be.

Andy’s taping a two-part Stephen King movie and he wants to see the Judds movie, so we’re gonna swap tapes.

The rest of the Norah movie wasn’t too impressive. She had a million different ugly hairstyles and outfits. Yup, she looked her best in The Guardian.

Got a Bob letter today and he enclosed a drawing from a magazine of a girl who sort of resembles Gloria. I drew it and it came out pretty nice, but I didn’t mean to make her fat. She’s got a mama’s face.

Later...

Tom got home an hour ago and he’s in his room watching his show, then he’s gonna crash. We’re both beat. He had to get up early and I had barely 5 hours of sleep.

After the appointment, he dropped me off, then went back to work. Then, I cried for a few minutes, believe it or not. There’s knowing it’s over; then there’s knowing it’s over. It really hit me today. It’s over!

I saw their dog tied up out front today. Guess they exterminated again. That goes with having one kid, let alone so many cuz of the way they throw food all over, spit, and puke.

Well, I’m just gonna go veg out and do some puzzles for now. Maybe I’ll get more into that library book. I’ve only read a few pages so far.

Tuesday, May 16, 1995

 

I was due for my period today, but so far it's been all cramps and no period. I hate that. Be back to write more later.

Wednesday, May 17, 1995

 

Why do I always miscount when I'm due for my period? I wasn't due yesterday, I'm due today. After this period, I'll be getting the next one the day before our anniversary. Lucky me, huh? There's nothing new to discuss now, so bye for now.

Thursday, May 18, 1995

 

There really hasn’t been much going on to chat about right now. I’m gonna finish typing 78 tonight.

Good God. I swear that guy next door works way the hell over 40 hours a week. Where does he find the time to keep getting his wife pregnant? He just came in. What a life, though, with so many kids. Probably nothing but home and kids for her and work for him.

Later...

Just got done watching a movie and Tom’s now getting ready for work.

I finished typing and printing out 78. Now I’ll begin 80.

Last night I began redoing a medley of my favorite songs. I’ll keep working on it.

Friday, May 19, 1995

 

Yesterday my dad returned to Florida. I’m sure he’s very pleased to be back home.

I feel better, as I usually do after getting my period which I got on Wednesday.

Today’s supposed to be 100º. I believe this is our first 100º day of the year. We’ve been having a mild summer so far. We usually have 100º days beginning in April. Sometimes even in March.

Alex and I still exchange email by AOL and we’ll probably chat live once a month. I sent a letter to Larry and them guys which they should get today. I asked if they have Prodigy or AOL. For the hell of it, I oughta look them up and the M’s next door, too. That may not do me any good, though, if they’re using screen names.

One of the straps on the halter Ma sewed on is too high, so I’ll have to have her adjust it. She said it would be no problem if I needed it adjusted.

Tom put a new word search thing in my world but I can’t figure the whole deal out. There’s a thing to make your own puzzles, but I can’t figure out how to do it. It says to hit a certain button I can’t find.

Can’t think of anything else right now, so I guess I’ll go work on my story. I also have my library book to read, as well as my medley to continue with.

Later...

It’s a real bummer that I’m tired now cuz in a few days I have that appointment. I have to push it as late as I can.

I was laying out, and the lounge chair isn’t gonna hold up much longer. I hope we can get a new one this year, as well as that bee thing. Like I said, that’s one of the few things that really annoys me about Tom. True, he has to work full-time, but I still say part of it is all him hoping he can “make” me patient.

Another thing that slows him down from doing stuff and throwing stuff into place is the fact that he’s got so much stuff. Mainly stuff he’ll never use that just sits there and hogs up space. I can bet you that when we get new lounge chairs, he’ll keep these ripped-up old rusty ones here hogging up space.

I just wish he wouldn’t kid us both. He wants to go into business, he’s got plans for my singing soon enough, we’re gonna have a kid… Yeah, right! My ass we are! The cigarette machine was supposed to be done eons ago. I can go through and list a million different things he’s said that either never get done or only get partially done. And why do the back room? He’ll only trash it again a week later. None of this makes me love him any less, but I’m sick of it!

I wonder if there have been new people living across the street. A month or two after the heavy metal music vanished, he did, too. Then came a new security door (the kind we want) and other new decorations. However, that old, ugly, pitifully obnoxious van is still in the back of the driveway where it has been for a long time now.

Off goes Daddy next door to work now for 12-18 hours. I wonder what he does.

Nah, that might have been the car on the other side of him or the pig across the street two houses away from the music house, cuz it doesn’t sound loud enough. Plus, I think he leaves at 8:30.

Anyway, Tom’s being a slob and having so much stuff is another positive to not having the kid I know we’re not gonna have. I wouldn’t want the kid to take after that. I mean, that’d teach it to totally be messy and unorganized. Also, we have enough stuff to put away or up high on shelves. There’s no way I could keep any kid out of all this stuff.

In his room this morning I was asking him how come he had grocery lists from 20 years ago all over and he said, “Cuz I don’t have time to throw them out.”

Oh, a big two-second loss of his precious time! Yet he thinks he has time to go into business and have a kid? No wonder the guy won’t let himself cum. I agree with him and Kim about part of his not cumming being out of his control, but I still say that’s 5% of it. He can cum just fine.

Sunday, May 21, 1995

 

Man, oh man, am I fucking pissed! I set the timer to record a movie I really wanted to see and fucked up on it. From now on, if I’m not available to watch or record something I want to see while it’s on - forget it.

I’m a major grub right now who desperately needs a shower, so I’ll return here later.

Monday, May 22, 1995

 

We had a great weekend, but I’m so tired right now that I don’t know if I’ll write much.

My longest journals are the ones from when I first began writing. In my first year and a half or so of writing, I had few journals go 6-9 months.

Saturday Tom worked for a few hours, then he came home for an hour with lunch from Jack-in-the-Box. Then he went to the races with his parents.

Yesterday was a busy yet fun day, but first, I made it loud and clear that I’m due for my next period to Tom the day before our anniversary. The 14th. Therefore, it’s easy to remember that’ll it’ll be around June 1st that it’ll be my more than likely time to conceive (if I can). Well, the point is, a little test. I want to see if Tom happens to be too tired on those particular days, regardless of how much he says he wants it and doesn’t want to wait.

Thursday, May 25, 1995

 

I am so backed up and have so much to write about, so I better get with it. I just went to change Piggy’s cage so Tom would have one less thing to do. Well, he had drilled the holes on the sides a bit too close to the edges and it ripped through. So, I had to kind of tape the side together that you remove to scoop the sawdust out. We’ll have to get longer brackets on and drill new holes further in.

Now, about the stuff we got last Saturday. If I can remember everything, Tom got a couple of things that he put on the block wall to wind the hoses up onto, a new sprinkler, and I think that’s pretty much all he got. He may have gotten a few other things for the yard. We also got a new lounge chair, seeing that the one I’ve been using finally gave out. It’s a really pretty floral one of cloth and not plastic. It’s even got arms on it and is in between a piece of shit and top-of-the-line. I got an adhesive ashtray and why I put it on the left arm when I’m right-handed, beats me. We also got drink holders that you stick in the dirt in the ground or at the beach. They have skinny metal poles and plastic holders on top for cans of soda. We got a white one and a blue one.

I got a puzzle of puppies and a new binder. I think that’s all we got.

Can you believe that Tom finally got the vanity table from Mary’s house? At first, I was like - where the hell am I gonna put this thing? I did manage, though, to fit it into my room without having to rearrange too much stuff. The dresser was at the foot of the bed by the two windows in the front and I moved that to the side of the bed in between the two closets. That’s where I put the vanity table which is nicer than I thought, even though we’re gonna strip the old ugly off-white paint which is peeling, and repaint it. It has a huge mirror and we’ve got to find a way to attach that, too. Its bench which is the shape of a rectangle had a red cloth seat with 6 tacky patches on it of blue with corny flowers. I took an old floral skirt with a torn waistband and cut it to fit on it. Then I tacked it on the sides and it looks so much better. I had had a couple of those plastic shelves where I moved the dresser and I took those out of the room altogether. It’s so convenient to do my makeup with this thing. It’s got 6 little drawers and I’ve got stuff in it like makeup, hair stuff, and other odds and ends.

Today’s Tammy and Bill’s 9th anniversary, so I called them. She told me Mom and Dad sent them a flag, wind chimes, and something about Noah’s ark. I wouldn’t be too surprised if she sent us a flag for our anniversary.

I went to the doctor’s yesterday for a female exam and sure enough, it’s never been easier after having sex with a guy. When they do the swab, that’s uncomfortable no matter what size woman you are or how sensitive you are. All looked fine except for a little inflammation on the cervix. She said that’s normal for some people and don’t worry about it. I don’t think I’ll have to take anything for yeast or any kind of infection, but I’ll be notified about it soon either way. She didn’t feel any spooky lumps down there or in my tits. She said the Theodur plays a part in aggravating my tits as well as the gas in the lower right quadroon as they call it.

She’s a primary care doctor and she was really nice with a great sense of humor that makes you feel comfortable right away. Her name is Dr. Rugg and she was about in her mid-30s. She was 5’ 10” with medium-long curly blond hair. She was between average and a little above average in looks.

When I said how I hated to go for these kinds of exams, she said, “I know how it is. I have a crotch, too.”

She did say she’s known DES daughters who’ve had kids and that infertility wasn’t the issue as much as with cancerous cells.

So, then we got to discussing asthma. When I told her the meds I’ve been on now since 1989, she said that was an old fashion way of treating asthma. Then I said I’ve been hearing that a lot lately. So she said there’s a guy there who was willing to see me that knows all about asthma. If it weren’t for my seeing how good Dr. Nielsen is, I’d have been skeptical, even though they’re different kinds of doctors. I told her that between coming to AZ and the Phase-Out system, my lungs have never been better and that my goal is to somehow cut down or get off the Theodur completely and just take inhalers as needed. So, she said to leave the Proventil and Theodur alone for now and take an inhaler called Aerobid instead of the Azmacort cuz it’s supposed to be much much more potent. She said it’s better to put the medicine right into your lungs where the problem is, rather than to deal with it with pills. From what she told me, I guess they usually take someone that’s taking 300mg twice daily and have them just take it once before bed. I’ve taken the Aerobid twice so far and I do believe I already feel better. I last took my Theodur 14 hours ago and I don’t feel like I need it at all and I’m gonna see if I can just take it before bed tonight. I don’t mean to be playing my own doctor here, but I don’t see how that can hurt me to experiment with that till I see Dr. Rauche. Lastly, I’ll be going tomorrow for an ultrasound to make sure that it is really only a gas problem I’ve been having down in my lower gut.

So this means two more appointments, but very worth it to me if it’s gonna save time, money, and worry in the future, then that’s what counts. I’d love to get off the Theodur and have my 95% sure feeling confirmed that it is just a gas problem and no tumors. I’m sure, though, that if it was a tumor, I’d not only sense it, but I’d have more pain and symptoms.

Friday, May 26, 1995

 

Going for that ultrasound today at 2:00. Gotta start drinking as much as I can at 1:00.

Yesterday I broke a record for the first time since 1989. I went for 24 hours with no Theodur! I’m gonna see about doing that every other day, if not daily till I see Dr. Rauche.

Two days ago, on Wednesday, I finally got my first puzzle book from my subscription.

I’ll catch up with lots more writing later!

Monday, May 29, 1995

 

The ultrasound I went for didn’t take too long, but I won’t know anything about that or anything else till next week.

I forgot to mention something Dr. Rugg said when she asked me about birth control. I said I wasn’t on any and that Tom didn’t cum. Then she said, “He doesn’t want to?” Then, “Or can’t he?”

Now, why would her first choice be to suggest he didn’t want to?

Something else also crossed my mind the other day for the first time, too. If he has a block about cumming, then why not a block on getting hard, too? He told me he’s relieved by wet dreams which are fine. We all have them. However, it’s a little insulting that that’s his #1 source of relief. Aside from having a kid, I wish he’d show me how much he appreciates me in bed here and there.

I still feel led on and teased about having a kid, but it’s his choice. If he really wants one, he’ll just have to cum, cuz despite what he says or Kim says, I still believe he has total control over it.

Other than that, we’ve had a fun day. We were swimming. We filmed that as well as Piggy swimming. It was really cool to see.

Andy and his roommate Diana brought the chair over. I’m wondering now if that wasn’t a big mistake. The back room’s never gonna be organized and there’s no room for it. Tom did clear out the little room out back, though, so now he’s got more room to work on stuff with. The couch is still here, and that being picked up by Goodwill has been put off like everything around here seems to be.

Tom says that unless he’s got a job interview, he’s gonna get business licenses this Thursday or Friday. Yeah, right! This I’ve got to see.

A movie’s going on soon that I want to see, so I’ll write more later.

Later...

I decided I’d write some more while the movie’s recording. I now only have two more journals to type up.

Last week I recorded myself singing a handful of songs to no music. Tom liked The Sweetest Gift the best. I wasn’t surprised. Nor was I when he said that I sing traditional country the best.

A tune to the song I wrote The Strangers Are Waiting flew into my head. I called Dad and sang a few lines to him cuz I wanted to see if it sounded familiar like a rip-off of some other song. He and Tom say it doesn’t sound familiar.

Dad also says a package is on its way.

Kim called a few days ago, too. She said it took Doug an hour and a half one night to cum. Still doesn’t make me feel any more confident that Tom will change no matter how much he says he can’t cum and he wants a kid. Before I continue on with my chat with Kim, I asked Tom if my telling him not to cum would make him go the other way and cum. His answer didn’t surprise me. He said, no, pressure to cum or to not cum would still keep him from cumming.

Kim says Doug’s finally found out who’s been sending him those crazy letters and she’s gonna leave him believing what he believes for now. He said he saw some ditzy-looking longhaired blond girl by his PO Box. He says she’ll now probably realize that the guy who last had that PO Box doesn’t anymore (he thinks she’s trying to write to the guy who previously had that PO Box). She said he almost threw the letters in her car. Too bad he didn’t, but Kim said he’d probably keep the letters forever.

Kim also says she got a letter out to me and is gonna send me a picture of her hair. She’s got something in it I can’t understand, that’s supposedly a big trend. She said something about sending directions on how to do it. Lastly, she took pictures of her apartment while we were on the phone that she’ll be sending.

Tom downloaded us some really cool games from AOL, but I’ll get into that later.

Tuesday, May 30, 1995

 

Tom and I had fun swimming after he came home and ate, but we didn’t screw around.

Where in the world has Alex been? I guess he’s busy with the move to Vermont cuz I haven’t heard from him by AOL in a couple of weeks. Since we had our last live chat anyway.

I’m kind of sunburned today. So even though the pool is at a very comfy temperature in the mid-80s, I’m gonna take a break from being out in the sun for a couple of days.

I forgot to mention a couple of past events. Last Sunday Tom attached the mirror that goes to the vanity table. He did a great job. It’s nice and sturdy and stands perfectly upright.

Also, Andy’s become good friends with his neighbor Pam, who’s on disability. He’s really changed with time. Even he admits that he was very selfish and insensitive the first year or two after we met up. Back then, I’d be wary about discussing a headache with him, knowing he’d freak out about it. But now, I could talk to him about anything and he’d listen and try to cheer me up. A lot of people are afraid of stuff they don’t know about or understand and he was afraid of those with disabilities, be it physical or mental, but now he’s not so afraid and paranoid. There are always gonna be Ellies and Frans out there, but he knows not all people on SS or SSI are fucked up. Here’s the funny part of it, though. When we first met up, he called my mother and asked her if he should be afraid I’d go after him with a knife or something like that. Well, he said to me regarding Pam, “I didn’t even call her mother to ask if she were dangerous or anything like that!”

I just got done recording his soaps for today and am gonna tape them again tomorrow. Hopefully, the cable will then be set up, as he was told it would be. He’s already got his new number which is easy to remember.

As for the games we got off of AOL, there are some really cool ones. We got more for his parents that I don’t like, like crossword games and cryptograms.

Here are the ones which he put in my world which are really growing. I mean, when I first got into this computer I had only about 4 things in my world. There’s a kitty puzzle, a connect the dot game, and a telephone game where you make words out of the numbers on the phone pad. There’s also a sliding number game where you have to put numbers in order from 1-15 on a square board. Meaning, 3 rows of 4 numbers, then the 13, 14 & 15 on the bottom. I also have a quilt game where you have to match a sample quilt design. Lastly, concentration games which I’ve always liked. One of them is with a deck of cards. Another is with colors that you have to match.

Guess what next door was doing on and off last night from 12:30 to about 2:00 in the morning? Hammering away. I wasn’t pissed cuz I was awake, and if I’d been asleep, the fan would’ve drowned it out, but that’s really rude! It was distracting, though, cuz I was trying to read, but I was mainly worried and pissed off for Tom. He did get woken up but said it was no big deal cuz it’d be only once in a blue moon that he’d be hammering at that hour. (I hope!) He said he thinks the wife and kids split to Idaho and this is why he’s catching up on home repair. That makes sense cuz you can’t get much done or accomplished with kids around. I know they practically never sleep, but that’s still really rude and selfish. I don’t know if they’ve gone to Idaho, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did and if it was him that was hammering. You see, I never felt that Lenore didn’t care about others’ peace around them; it’s him that’s like most others. He just doesn’t give a damn about those around him. I could always tell that from certain statements. Like when he said the kids might get noisy. And when Lenore said that she told Dean she was worried he’d wake the street up by pounding on the piano in the middle of the night, and when the kids said in their letter to me, Dad keeps opening the windows on the side by our house. Anyway, if it doesn’t happen again, it’s no big deal. If he pounds away tonight then yes, I’m gonna call over there for Tom’s sake, cuz I know Tom would never do shit about it no matter how many nights he was woken up or how pissed he got. If he won’t take care of any problems dumped on him, his loving wife will. I’ve met lots of childless people who were selfish and only cared about themselves, but it seems that people with kids are much worse for the most part. They think that just cuz they have kids, they own the world. They can do anything, and to hell with anyone affected by it.

We screwed around yesterday and like I said before, I made it clear to him that my “middle” was around the 31st and the 1st, so we’ll see if he conveniently avoids me. I was thinking of confusing him for the July period so he’d be thrown off as to when my middle would be then, but then I thought about it. I then realized it doesn’t matter where I am in my cycle. If he doesn’t cum, there’s no way for me to get pregnant if I can. So I said, fuck it. If he really wants a kid, he’ll cum. He’ll either never do so, or he will when he’s ready if he’s truly holding back. What are my guesses as to why he’s holding back? Well, they don’t go with what he’s said at all, but you never really do know if someone’s bullshitting you just to make you happy. Meaning, maybe he doesn’t want one but doesn’t have the heart to tell me and so he says he does want one. Maybe he really doesn’t think I’d be a good mom. Maybe he does fear for me physically and mentally the same way I do. Meaning, about the lack of sleep, the stress, the pain, etc. I know he’s capable of being jealous, so that could be it too, as well as the stuff we’re planning to do, the job change, and shit like that. It could be money. It could be a lot of things he doesn’t tell me, or that he tells me the exact opposite of.

I have a plan that I may have mentioned before that I’m thinking of starting to put into action. I’ll do it around July 1st, plus this is also what he claims will help him. Well, it’ll be hard for me to get used to, but I’ll omit all talk about cumming and having a kid and see if there’s a change in a couple of months or so. I have a very bad feeling, though. One that tells me nothing will ever change with him no matter what I do or do not say. I love this man and I don’t want to leave him, but the more months that pass with no changes makes me wonder what’s really going through his mind about everything and anything. I know the sayings like, life is full of false promises and people don’t always do what they say they’re gonna do, but if I find out for sure, or have a strong sense that he deliberately lied and led me on about a kid or other stuff, it’s gonna make me do some thinking. It would be the point of the matter that may have me thinking about our being together. I hope to God it never comes to that for either of us, but what else would I do or think? When I see that nothing will change month after month as I fear will be the case, what do I do? Stay cuz of how wonderful everything else is? Or leave and call him a head player and a liar? I’d like to think that I’ll be able to say to myself when this time comes, OK, he was never serious about cumming and having that kid, but no one’s perfect. At least all his other qualities are wonderful, if not, almost wonderful, and it’s not worth going off the deep end over and walking away from him. He has given me so much and has taken care of me in so many different ways be it chatting with me, caring for me when I’m sick, and the way he keeps food in this house and buys me journals and stuff like that. All stuff he could say he doesn’t care to buy or to take me to buy. He could’ve never bought me anything, kept barely two bites of food around, pushed me away when I wanted to talk, and never given a damn when I got sick or never dealt with my ear surgery.

I’ve reached the final straw with these mailmen and I called the PO today. I said I’m sick of having mail I sent returned to me that I know isn’t too thick or heavy. And I’m also sick of getting next door’s mail, and I know our mail’s gone elsewhere too. He said he’ll take care of it. Let’s hope so. I know that Irene W would return to us anything that looked important, and she has. I would think Lenore would too, but I don’t know about Dean or any other households.

I got a letter from Bob today and in it, he enclosed a small envelope that he addressed to me and put a stamp on. Well, the PO put a message on it saying something about the envelope not being of standard size. So, I tore the stamp off and put it on an envelope addressed to Kim with another stamp we had here. I put his remaining edit pages in it with a note to her about the problem and asked her to mail it to him. I know she’ll do me the favor and I can count on her. She also sent me a letter today. Deerfield has a new rule and that is that they don’t return letters to the sender that has postage due. In other words, if I send Kim a letter where there’s postage due, she has to pay for it.

Wednesday, May 31, 1995

 

Not much to report at this time. I was watching TV, then I layered my bangs. Now I’m gonna hang out here in my room and read so I can hear if that weirdo starts hammering so I can jump on the phone and give him a piece of my mind.

I went another 24 hours with no Theodur last Sunday. I hope they call soon, though, about setting a time to see Dr. Rauche. Or Roushe. Or however the hell you spell it.

I spoke to Andy at his new apartment. Diana read the little journal I wrote to him for his birthday last February.

Tomorrow night Andy and Diana are going to see Melissa Ethridge in concert, then they’ll be stopping over here to get their stuff. I mean Andy’s soaps, the Judds movie, the backup edit tapes, and the pad I wrote this year’s horoscopes in.

Later...

No hammering at all last night as I finished my library book.

The red van of theirs is there, so if Lenore and the kids went to Idaho, they didn’t go in the van. Personally, I wouldn’t trust that piece of shit outside of Phoenix. Also, I think I may have heard one of those kids wailing.

As Tom was leaving for work this horrible smell of rotten eggs woke me up just as I was knocking off. The cooler does that when the water gets stale, but I said, that’s impossible! He just put the cleaner in that takes away that smell. Then when I came out of my room I realized it was coming from the bathroom, so I thought he had a serious stomach problem. Later he told me he treated the clogged drain.

I wonder if we’ll screw around today. For some reason, I doubt it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was too tired to screw and only wanted to go down there which is fine, but I’m not stupid, either. We didn’t screw around yesterday either, and the opportunity was there, too. I have a feeling that we won’t be screwing until this weekend. It’s his choice, though. He says we can have a kid, we want a kid and we don’t have to wait. Well, it takes two to make a baby, so he’ll just have to put his actions where his mouth is.

Got a letter from Andy and Diana today which she wrote. It was cool and she has nice handwriting. Andy said I could send her a letter and she’ll write back.

No package from mom and dad yet. I was right in sensing it wouldn’t come today.

I was also right, unfortunately, on sensing I’d have to tape Andy’s soaps tomorrow and Friday, too. The cable guy fucked up.

I had a weird, yet wonderful memory last night. It’s not that it’s something I forgot all about. I just hardly ever remember it. I believe I was 9 and it was definitely the summer I went to the first of the two camps I got kicked out of in Maine. The second one was Camp Meadowlark, but this was Camp Naomi. The memories are very vague, few, and quick. There was this one camp counselor that I was special to. She was probably somewhere in her 20s back then. I don’t even remember her name, but for some reason, the name Robin comes to mind. I can’t see her face or any of her in detail. If I had to guess, though, I’d say she was thin, average height, medium complexion, with brown eyes and hair. Her hair was maybe shoulder length and she may have had a plain face.

I may have had a vague memory of playing volleyball when she was around. I’m not sure. I’m not sure how many times I saw her.

I stood in a rectangular cabin. There were about two rows on opposite sides of the two longer walls with maybe 8-10 beds on each side. I remember stealing the barrette that belonged to the girl in the bed next to me. That was one of the reasons I got kicked out. I’m sure it was mainly cuz I was the hyper, obnoxious, little rebellious kid I usually was. I hated camp.

One night, though, I guess most of us kids were having trouble sleeping, including me. I remember lots of coughing going on, so maybe some kids had colds. Then there she was by my bed telling me, “Go to sleep before I kiss you all over” (not sexual of course; just playful). She might have said something about tickling me, too.

The next thing I remember, I was taken to her cabin. It was very small with 2 twin beds and a little kitchenette. I’m not sure if there was a bathroom in there, but there probably was, and a shower stall, too. She had a medium-sized dog. A mutt with 2 or 3 colors of brown. All I really remember is talking her to sleep. We were laying on our beds that were a few feet apart and I was yacking away as usual. I remember she fell asleep, then I guess I did right after.

The next morning, I think she cooked us breakfast. Maybe bacon and eggs. I think this was also the day my dad would be picking me up.

The last memory I have of her is of us in the woods with her dog. I remember being amazed at how she’d hide and the dog would always find her. Then she said, “I’ve got a present for you.”

It was a Polaroid of the dog. I ditched it when I was around 22, though.

Then I think I was waiting nervously for my dad, knowing how pissed and disappointed at me he’d be. I think I was alone with her and I might have said something like, “What am I gonna do till my dad arrives?”

She might have picked me up and spun me in the air playfully and said, “You’re gonna stay with me!”

We were outside by the office, possibly sitting on a bench or wherever. Then she was crying as Dad drove up and I got in the car and was gone.

Throughout the years I always got the feeling that if at that second no one ever wanted to have anything to do with me, she would’ve taken me in and been so good to me as I grew up. I would’ve been good, too. I always respected those who were good to me and therefore stayed out of trouble.

To the best of my knowledge, this woman wasn’t married and had no kids. I have no idea what she did regularly or where she lived. Did she live in Maine or some other New England state? For all I know she could be living right here in Phoenix. I thought about trying to look for her shortly after I went out on my own, but I wouldn’t have known where to begin.

Who was she? Why was I so special to her? Did I remind her of someone? Why did she treat me so well when no one else there wanted to deal with me or even acknowledge my existence? Does she ever think of me and wonder who, what, and where I am today? I guess I’ll never know.