#also the other thing i was going to try was pretending i didn’t have paypal and demanding venmo instead | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

trutimeline · 4 years

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idislikecispeople, The Most Infamous Dyscourse Blogger: Part 1.0, Rumors

idislikecispeople, also known as many names throughout her time on Tumblr (such as Adele, Kat, Mami, Samantha and Sayaka), was a former Tumblr blogger who became infamous for coining the term "tucute", among many other controversial things she has posted on her blogs. This was supposed to be one, very long masterpost about her, but Tumblr's post editor is a bitch and won't let me do that.

In this post, I'll be debunking or confirming rumors commonly spread about idislikecispeople. The rest of my posts about her will each be dedicated to a specific controversial belief she held or situations she got into. For simplicity's sake, I'll be referring to idislikecispeople as Kat for the rest of this post and future ones.

Rumors

Kat Coined the Terms "Truscum" and "Tucute"

Verdict: Partially True

Kat coined the term tucute, but she did not coin the terms truscum or transmedicalist.

Here's a screenshot of Kat's original definition of a tucute:

Transcript:

What is Tucute?

What does tucute mean?

Tucute is basically just the opposite of truscum, it’s a term and community for trans, nonbinary, and/or non-cis individuals created to separate anti-truscum from truscum and to serve as a safe place from truscum and from cis people, where they believe that being trans requires dysphoria, we do not,where they think that being trans is a medical condition, we do not,and where they deny numerous gender identities on the basis that it “discredits the trans community” we do not.

What are the prerequisites to be a part of the tucute community?

You have to be trans, nonbinary, and/or non-cis in general

You have to accept all pronouns and gender identities

You haveto believe that dysphoria is not necessary to be trans

You have to dislike truscum

You cannot side with truscum or believe in their ideology

You cannot misgender anyone no matter how mad they make you

You cannot be an ableist whatsoever

Did you invent the tucute community? Why?

I indeed did coin the tucute term and community and anyone who says otherwise are creeps who are trying to steal it from me and redefine it for their own nefarious doings. I started this community so anti-truscum could separate themselves from truscum and cis people who are a part of the truscum community, it serves as a safe space from both truscum and cis people.

I’m cis, can I be tucute if I believe in your movement and want to help?

No, you can’t be tucute if you’re cis, you can only be a tucute ally, and you need to be sure to never speak for or over a trans person.

I see a lot of tucuties being just as harmful as truscum, what will you do about it?

There isn’t much I can do to them other than ask them to stop aligning with the tucute community, and of course, that doesn’t mean they will. Also be noted that truscum and cis people will pretend to be tucute just to tarnish the name of the tucute community, so tread lightly, you might be talking to a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Spread the word, use the tag #tucute and join the army today!

[A digital drawing of Sayaka Miki from Puella Magi Madoka Magica in her magical girl form, with a banner underneath her reading "Tucute 4 U!"]

(source) (source)

Kat Was a Cisgender Woman Who Lied About Being a Transgender Woman

Verdict: False

This rumor primarily comes from a post on Kat's oldest known Tumblr blog, chromaghost, where she claims that she wasn't MTF and only tagged a selfie as such because she thought that transgender people were "cool".

Transcript:

Anonymous asked: are you a mtf? i seen it tagged on one of your photos.

No lol. I wanted to post it to the tag because transgender people are cool :3

(source) (source) (source)

However, Kat addressed this post and made it clear she very much was a transgender woman multiple times on her later blogs. This claim can also be confirmed with nude photos Kat posted online, which I don't feel comfortable spreading, so you'll just have to trust me on that one. I also don't feel comfortable directly encouraging you to go and dig up those nudes, as most of her nude photos were either taken when she was a minor, spread without her consent and/or were uploaded because people pressured her into posting nudes to "prove" she was a transgender woman.

Transcript:

Anonymous asked: you bound with ace bandage in one of your selfies. i don't know what to think about you anymore. according to some people you're a 27 year old cis woman scamming us, but you say you're a 22 year old trans woman. i want to trust you but i don't know if i can. i'm sorry.

Rest assured I’m not 27 years old lol. What you’re referring to is a less than graceful ~art piece~ we did (”Playing a Boy” or something) on deviantART when we were 16/17 (?) and really ill-informed. I ask you to not take that as how I stand currently – as I have learned so much more since, and I have a penis and I was designated male at birth because of it (feel free to purchase a passcode to our nsfw blog to see for yourself). At the time we were developing breast tissue but still had to appear as a ‘boy.’ Don’t bind with Ace bandages, kids, it can damage your rib cage, something we didn’t know at the time.

(source) (source)

Transcript:

[A picture of two prescriptions, estradiol and spironolactone, both prescribed to Adele Sheffield.]

grandtran still gonna think I photoshopped it or what

(source)

Transcript:

Anonymous asked: In other words, you aren't gonna cough up the pics because you know you can't fake that shit because you're actually cis. Cool. BTW why do you keep changing your story about the blog, and if the blog was run by you when you were in denial about being trans because of self hate, why were the pics tagged mtf and you were constantly saying trans people were cool?

Yeah I’m not gonna do something for y’all and get nothing in return except more doubt from you, you see how one sided that kind of request is? Also its technically considered sexual harassment, just because its on the internet, you’re a coward (whats your username btw?), and you think I’m cis and you want me to prove time and time again to you that I’m dmab doesn’t justify sexually soliciting someone when they’re not comfortable in being solicited – for free no less.

At first I genuinely had no memory of that blog, it was only active for all of 2 months and for some reason I moved onto a new email and new tumblr, and I haven’t the foggiest why. As for the whole “me claiming to not be ~mtf~” I don’t have any memories from that time, I can only assume it was a lot of dysphoria fueled self-hatred and wanting to be seen/pass as a cis girl lesbian.

If you’re really gonna solicit nudes from a trans woman (a second time) as they do sex work to try and stay on their feet without offering anything in return just so your transmisogynistic ass can get off to trying to tell me my dick is fake isn’t classy at all. I perish the thought of what you’re parents would think of this behavior from you. But yeah, feel free to send some money to my paypal so I can get the gender markers on my records changed because that’s gonna cost a lot apparently, and I’ll definitely send you the dick pics you want. :)

(source) (source) (source)

Transcript:

[A picture of a a hospital bracelet on Kat's wrist. The patient's name is Adele Sheffield and her sex is labeled as "M".]

(source)

Kat Lied About Having Diabetes To Get Money From Tumblr Users

Verdict: False

This doesn't need much commentary from me, just view the screenshots below.

Transcript:

To the people who keep harping on me buying a $15 video game for my mental health 7 MONTHS ago “with my donation money,” well, here you go, some proof, links and screenshots provided

So for everyone spreading misinformation about me spending $15 on a video game for my mental health, here’s a full list of reasons why there is no way, shape, or form I spent my paypal money on it:

Yes, I spent $15 of my own money after selling one of my possessions, not denying it:

[A screenshot of a Tumblr post by Kat where she shows off a copy of Fall Out: New Vegas, marked with a price of $14.99. The date of the post is marked as July 21, 2014 at 06:28.39 PM.]

Be sure to look at the date, July 21st, 2014 6:28 PM. Now lets look at my first donation post asking for help:

[A screenshot of a Tumblr post by Kat where she asks for donations to be able to afford insulin because she has no insurance. The date of the post is marked as July 20, 2014 at 08:14.00 PM.]

Hmm, one day before the purchase of said game, July 20th 2014 at 8:14 PM. Now, I’ve never heard of a video game store — much less a non-chain video game store accepting payment for video games in the form of virtual Amazon gift cards, have you? Oh, but you’re gonna say, “well you bought the game with your paypal donations anyway!” Well, here’s exhibit C:

[Another screenshot of a separate post made by Kat where she is also asking for donations to be able to afford insulin. The date of the post is marked as July 23, 2014 at 12:27.46 PM.]

Again, looking at the date of this posting which is the original donations post, you can see it was posted on July 23rd, 2014 at 12:27 PM, a full 2 days after I had bought the game. Now, if there’s no way for me to use Amazon gift cards for a real life video game store, then how can I go back in time a minimum of 2 full days to give past me $15 to buy said game, hm? This isn’t even accounting for the fact that I didn’t even have my own bank account associated with it until over a week later, and it surely doesn’t account for the fact that it takes up to 5 days to transfer from paypal to your bank account. All the dates are linked to the original unedited posts so you can see for yourself, and for added measure my first deposit was on August 14th, 2014:

[A screenshot of a deposit made by Kat. The date is marked as 08/14/14.]

Oh but yeah, anti-sjs, truscum, and the like took damniwishidthoughtofabettername’s postthey used to gaslight us with misinformation and you all bought it. Tell me how I could misuse donations that I could not use outside of Amazon and money I didn’t even start receiving until a full two days later, let alone the fact that there’s no way I could have transferred said money and used it two days prior as of the date of the paypal donations post.

I hope some of y’all could reblog this and get the word out, I’m sick and tired of people buying into that misinformation that person did solely to gaslight me as a means to try and disrupt my donations drive.

(source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source)

Transcript:

[A selfie of Kat holding up a vial of Novolin to the camera.]

Hey anon, I don’t feel comfy giving you my receipts (because doxxing is a thing) but here you go, a selfie with my most recent insulin purchase. 👽

(source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source)

Transcript:

Anonymous asked: Getting desperate for money again I see. How is your fake diabetes lately. I bet your blood sugar is like 800 this time and you're still able to be alive somehow.

You got me, I’m ~totally faking~

[A selfie of Kat. In the background several items used by diabetics are seen such as insulin syringes, glucose tablets, a blood sugar tester and test strips.]

[A picture that gives us a closer look at the background of the previous selfie.]

[A selfie of Kat holding up two vials, one of Lantus and the other of Humalog.]

Gee, must be one dedicated faker, right? To have hundreds of dollars of insulin equipment and insulin itself. Hmmm… Insulin syringes, glucose tablets, a blood sugar tester and test strips.. oh and insulin, hmmmm….

Oh and because you didn’t learn from last time you don’t die instantly when your blood sugar goes over 600 lol, something anyone who studies endocrinology can tell you, and I would know, being a diabetic, having to be hospitalized numerous times for ketoacidosis where the blood sugar has been too high for too long. Things you clearly do not know and you’re just jumping on the disableist bandwagon. I have an idea of who you are anyway, just doing this for future reference.

(source)

#idislikecispeople #dyscourse #transmed #truscum #tucute

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the-bjd-community-confess · 3 years

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Now hear me out, maybe the reason people don’t want to talk politics with you, is because this is a doll hobby. Not because it’s a hobby specifically, or some shit, no because like too many of the collectors are either immature, can’t see past their own nose, or are incredibly entitled, and know it all, who think they’re just soooo awesome because they have this one set mentality, they’re never going to change, and let me mention how many people think the world ends either at the US borders, or at the European borders. And even there, people forget like a bunch of places. Seriously, who in their right mind, would honestly think that some random doll collectors, who talk to dolls like their living beings, have huge arguments about bust/boob sizes, have a problem with immature manbabies, and women throwing toddler tantrums, sexualizing of plastic dolls, people complaining about people sexualizing plastic dolls, calling homophobia on gay dolls, people policing how to do transdolls, to transdoll owners who’re trans, other bullshit, and write cringy shit, should be the the go to people, to talk about the socio economic crisis somewhere in the world? Do you really, really want to talk to those types of people, about things that need some serious consideration, and actual willingness to listen, and do research?

Hell, some times I wonder how some people manage to even turn on their phones, with how backwards some people are. I mean, have any of you noticed how people will literally flock to the same scammers over and over again, or just passively accept being shat on by sellers, and just not do anything? Everyone knows the names of the scammers, and still I see people take the chance, and then complain months down the line that they got scammed… again. I see people talk about the exact same people, how bad their customer service is. How they didn’t get their stuff. How they waited for months, with no response. How they literally spent hundreds, and are now basically being ghosted. And they still ask if they should fill a paypal claim. -The answer is yes btw, especially if you know they’re a serial scammer. Do your research.- Or they even ask if they just seem to forget about this, and go to the next scammer. And hey, how about how often people get literally offended, when people ask how people can afford all these dolls, or when people show some critical thought, to people encouraging spending way past your means? Some collectors are literally unable to feed themselves, but still keep buying, and people in this hobby encourage it. Yeah, really the people you’d want to speak serious business with, that needs thorough thought. /S Let me tell you, as a European person, most Europeans think they know about US politics, and they just fucking don’t. That’s how you get so many shit takes made by Europeans, about the US. Especially those who speak little English. Not every, honestly most Euros don’t have any idea about anything, because that’s how it be. Same for US people, they’re also not gonna know a shit ton of Euro politics, especially when it’s not published in any English speaking news. I can’t count how many bad takes I’ve seen from US people about European stuff. It’s fucking mutual. I wouldn’t want anyone to start talking about anything important with me, especially politics, if I met them through this hobby, because I just can’t see anyone here having enough braincells to form a coherent enough thought for me to WANT to understand. Hell, I’m probably that brainless troglodyte to some people, and you know what? Fucking good. I have other people I can talk to, about politics, mental health, disabilities, and whatever else we think is important. People who are prepared to talk these issues, and I can have the expectations that they have the needed respect for the issues talked about. I don’t think I’m smart, I’m a huge idiot, and I’ll admit to that, and I know maybe I’m viewing this from my narrow view of the hobby, but I’ll still throw it out there: This hobby, dolls, vinyl, resin, whatever, is too dumb for serious topics. Maybe not everyone individually, some individuals are smart, and nice enough, and respectful of the issues that exist, but as a collective, this hobby is dumb. Just, really dumb. If I sound condescending, or you’re gonna call me a dumbass for this, yeah fine, but seriously, would you personally honestly want to actually find people in this hobby, just to talk politics? Talk some serious political issue, to someone you don’t actually know? Who’s entire presence to you, is literally just a bunch of dolls. Also, why is it always boiling down to politics? I’m just curious since that’s the go to topic, but there are like hundreds of topics that could be talked about, but it’s always just politics. Is someone ever going to demand we talk about abuse to people? Or other shit like that? Politics isn’t the only real world thing, and is probably some of the most subjected to where you live, so how are you even gonna talk stuff like local politics, to someone who doesn’t even live in the same country?????? I am going to say though, if it’s something political actually relating to the hobby. Like the ringdoll, hongkong, nazi thing from a few weeks ago, you know, actually relevant to the hobby, I’ll be right fucking there talking, and calling that shit out. I’ve called out people for Nazi sympathizing, with their dolls. How people try to make excuses for continuing to buy ringdoll shit, or how they pretend nazi scum isn’t really that bad bc “Uwu, it’s just the style that’s nice.” FUck off to those fucks.

~Anonymous

#BJD #ABJD #BJD Confessions #TrueBJDConfessionz #Politics #BJD Community

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cupcakezys · 4 years

Note

Geraskier, Kissing Prompt #5😉

@aeonthedimensionalgirl thank you for this! Sorry it took me a bit, life hasn't really given me a lot of opportunity to write. :( But this was super fun! I loved the prompt (angry kisses yessss) and I thought it was a great way to write my first Witcher fic. I hope you enjoy!

From this ask game.

It’s also on AO3 if you prefer to read there. :)

5 - Angry Kiss.

Jaskier wasn’t sure what beast it was Geralt had been sentto face this time. He’d been passing through a random, tiny village on his way northwhen he heard someone whisper about the White Wolf. He’d immediately stoppedand turned, interest peaked. He hadn’t seen Geralt for some months now, and hewould have been lying if he’d said he wasn’t curious as to what his old friendhad been up to.

He hadn’t been surprised when the villagers had told him Geralthad agreed to help them get rid of a monster that had been attacking them.

He’d been getting details, trying to figure out where Geralthad gone, when an old man had interrupted them.

“It doesn’t matter where he went bard.” He had said. “He’sdead, same as all the others that have gone after the beast.”

Jaskier had scoffed. They didn’t know his Geralt. He was awitcher, after all, and defeating monsters was kind of his whole thing. He wasfine.

Then the old man had chuckled. “He’s been ripped to piecesbard, just like the last three witchers we sent after it.”

Jaskier had tensed, the edge of worry biting at his heart. Hehadn’t known they’d hired other witchers before. That those witchers hadfailed.

“You’re just going to get yourself killed alongside himbard.” The old man warned, even as he pointed Jaskier in the right direction.

Jaskier had ignored him. He didn’t know Geralt. He wasstronger than anyone Jaskier had ever met, and he couldn’t imagine anythingtaking him down.

Not that that had stopped him from rushing to the last placethe villagers had seen Geralt.

Now Jaskier was wondering around the forest, half out of hismind with worry and trying to pretend he wasn’t. Geralt wasn’t supposed to be far– the beast lived in a cave close to the village, and it only left on thenights it chose to attack. Jaskier found it easily – and with it he found boththe monster and Geralt lying, unmoving, in the clearing just outside the cavesentrance.

“Oh shit.” Jaskier breathed. “Oh fuck.”

He ran towards Geralt, not sparing the monster a secondglance. Geralt’s silver sword was thrust deep into its neck – it was dead. Hiseyes were on Geralt and Geralt only. The witcher was lying on his front, facedaway from Jaskier, and Jaskier couldn’t see him breathing.

He was by Geralt’s side in an instant, not even sure how hegot there, shoving the man in an attempt to roll him over. When he finallymanaged to get him on his back he couldn’t hold back a gasp. Geralt wasbreathing, but just barely, and three ragged claw marks ran from his rightshoulder all the way down to the opposite hip. It was bleeding sluggishly, andjudging by the pile growing on the forest floor, it had been for a while.

“Shit.” Jaskier said again, shaking Geralt slightly. “Geralt.Geralt! Come on, wake up!”

The witcher didn’t move, didn’t even groan, and Jaskierfought to swallow back his fear.

His eyes widened.

Swallow.

“Okay.” He jerked upright, reluctant to leave Geralt butknowing he had to. “Don’t you dare die on me Geralt.”

He turned and ran, desperately peering through the trees ashe went. He knew it wouldn’t be far – Geralt never set up camp far from wherehe battled his contracts.

“Roach!” He yelled when he finally caught sight of the camp.“Roach where are you?”

He heard the horse shuffling about at the edge of the camp, happilymunching on some grass, and could have cried. He ran to her, ignoring her greetingnudges in favour of rummaging in her saddle bag. It took him a minute – toolong, far too long – to find it, and when he did he ran immediately backto Geralt’s side.

“Geralt!” He yelled, getting no answer, though he didn’texpect one.

Geralt was lying exactly where he had been before, stillhardly breathing and bleeding out. Jaskier fell to his knees beside him. Hishands shook as he wrestled with the bottle’s cap, and for a heart stoppingmoment he feared he would spill the sallow all over the forest floor. He grithis teeth and managed to pull himself together enough to pour the healingpotion down Geralt’s throat.

Jaskier sat back on his heels, watching Geralt’s chestintently.

“Come on.” He muttered, again and again, waiting forsomething, anything to change.

When Geralt’s breathing eased into something less like awhisper, and Jaskier could see the blood slowly stop weeping from his wounds,he knew he had to act. He pushed himself back to his feet, determined to findRoach and get Geralt back to the village so the stupid man could heal somewherethat wasn’t the forest floor. It was the least he could do, after everythingGeralt had done for him.

///

The inn owner allowed them to stay free of charge, providingthem with everything they needed for Geralt to heal. They said it was paymentfor what he had done for them, and Jaskier agreed, though to him they owedGeralt much more. He’d saved the lives of everyone in the village and almostlost his own in the process – providing him with a place to heal was the veryleast they could do.

They should be singing Geralt’s praises and lining up togive him gifts of gratitude, in Jaskier’s humble opinion, but no one ever askedhim. Not that it really mattered. Jaskier sung Geralt’s praises any chance hegot, and Geralt didn’t much care for gifts. Not unless they were for Roach, theselfless bastard.

“Jaskier.” Geralt ground out, in the very early hours oftheir second day in the inn, startling Jaskier out of the doze he had falleninto. “Where’s Roach?”

Selfless bastard. Of course the first thing out of his mouthafter almost dying and spending days unconscious would be concern for his horse.

“She’s in the stables, probably being treated better than weare. The children love her.” Jaskier crossed his arms over his chest. “Notgoing to ask why I’m here? Or how you got into this nice, lovely bed instead ofdying out on the hard forest floor?”

Geralt groaned and rolled away from him to face the wall.“Hmm.”

“I’ll tell you.” Jaskier said. “I was wandering my way north,spreading my songs to those unfortunate few that have yet to hear me, when Iheard rumours of a witcher passing through the nearby town. And lo and behold,when I get here, I’m told the White Wolf has gone to face a monster that hadkilled anyone else that tried to kill it.”

“It was just a contract.” Geralt said gruffly.

Jaskier spluttered, disbelieving. “Just a- three witchersdied trying to kill that thing! You almost died!”

Geralt didn’t seem to care. Which, knowing Geralt, he didn’tcare about himself, but knowing that didn’t make Jaskier any less angry atthe man. He cared about him, damn it. And while he didn’t normally have to worry,knowing Geralt had faced a monster that had bested other witchers was enough toset him just a tiny bit on edge.

And maybe just a little out of his mind with worry.

“Damn it Geralt!” He said, standing up and glaring down atthe man.

“What?” Geralt grunted, forcing himself upright.

“What is wrong with you?” He yelled. “You almost died- youwould have died if I hadn’t found you! And you don’t even care!”

Geralt stared at him, calm, and it made Jaskier’s bloodboil. “I’m a witcher Jaskier. Fighting is what I do. Dying is always apossibility.”

Jaskier grit his teeth. “I know that! But you could still carefor yourself, at least a little!”

Geralt said nothing, and Jaskier felt his temper snap. Helaunched forward and grabbed Geralt’s tunic, though he was still mindful of hisinjuries. He intended to drag him forward and yell at his stupid, pretty face untilhe actually started to care about himself at least a little bit.

He managed the first half. He pulled Geralt forward, untilthey were nose to nose, but then Jaskier got distracted by the gold of Geralt’seyes, and then the white of his hair, messy and loose without it’s tie, andthen his lips, as kissable as they’d been the very first time they’d met, and suddenlythat was all Jaskier could think about.

And then he was kissing Geralt.

It wasn’t the type of kiss Jaskier normally gave, filledwith passion and desire. There was some of that, certainly. But it was almostentirely lost underneath the anger Jaskier could still feel bubbling in hisgut, the anger borne from worry and fear and maybe, possibly, a little bit oflove.

Geralt was frozen underneath him for a moment before he startedkissing him back fiercely, with none of the anger and all of the passionJaskier had imagined they would share when they finally kissed. It made himangrier, impossibly, and he pulled away with a growl.

“Stop almost dying.” He said, no, commanded, no room forargument.

Geralt swallowed, sighed, and shook his head. “I can’t.”

And Jaskier felt like crying, because he knew. He knewGeralt could never turn his back on someone that needed him, no matter howdangerous it may be. It wasn’t who he was.

And so their second kiss was only a little lessangry, but by their seventh Jaskier thought maybe he could forgive his selfless,idiotic witcher.

If you wish to support me, please consider donating to my PayPal.

#caketalks #the witcher #geraskier #my writing #cakeswriting

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darker-soft-starker · 5 years

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Can you do a Starker sugar daddy au where at first it’s only an arrangement to get people to stop trying to go with Tony, but eventually they both fall in love?

Sugarbaby!Peter x SugarDaddy!Tony starker au, fake/pretend relationship, misunderstandings, fluff

Peter couldn’t believe his eyes when he’d received the offer.

At first he’d thought the very official looking Stark Industries email had been an expertly crafted fake, like those ones he sometimes gets from Paypal or whatever. It seemed too good to be true, but he’d traced it with Neds help and holy shit - it was an actual, verified email from a person at Stark Industries.

It was kind of ballsy of them, actually, answering his ad and asking for a personal meeting from their business email. What a move, clearly this person doesn’t care if their boss knows they’re looking to buy someones services.

But whoever [email protected] was, Peter was not about to turn down down the potential of a very generous offer, as it had been phrased. They were working at Stark Industries, they had to be making some kind of coin, right? Peter was just a poor guy, doing his best.

When Peter had first put the ad up for a sugar daddy he’d been drunk and to be fair, MJ had dared him. And when he was drunk-dared by a goading MJ he can’t be blamed for his actions. So he posted it, telling the world that a sad twink needed a benefactor. He didn’t phrase it that way online, but that was essentially the vibe.

Peter didn’t think anything of it, mostly got a couple of creeps messaging him about his profile pic, telling him how nice his mouth was and how they’d like to stuff their cocks in it. Honestly, he’d kind of forgotten all about it after the comments died down a couple of weeks later. Untll he’d received this email, that is.

They’d made a time and a place to meet, some expensive looking restaurant in the Upper East Side, which, yikes, Peter only brave enough to order water in case the guy doesn’t want to go into an arrangement after all. He gets there and is directed to a private booth in the back, expecting to see some balding, overweight dude, lonely and looking for a bit of touch.

He doesn’t expect Tony fucking Stark himself sitting at the table, distractedly playing with his phone. Peter is so struck with confusion that when Tony looks up at him he loses higher brain function and stops moving, mouth falling open.

The man looks him up and down and cocks an eyebrow up, a smile lighting his face up.

Peter had already prepared some things to say but what had come out of his mouth instead was:

“Mr. H. Hogan?”

Mortified, Peter had shaken himself and immediately tried to backtrack. “Wait! Wait, sorry, I know you - I mean, not, like personally or anything, obviously - I know you’re Tony Stark, everyone knows you’re Tony Stark. Who are - wait, am I in the right place?”

Tony had looked a little taken aback by his word vomit but eventually tells him yes, Peter is in the right place and that Hogan is his employee and the H stands for Happy.

When Peter warily sits Tony explains to him over lunch and wine that he’s looking to hire someone that everyone will believe is his lover. He’s had a string of one-night stands and a handful of serious relationships, the last one ending in heartache. Then… there was everyone else. After Tonys’ last serious relationship had ended publicly it was apparently a licence for the shameless to assume his dick was hungry and up for grabs.

It wasn’t, he said. He needed a cover.

Tony frankly had had enough. There was no other reason, it was that simple. That’s what he’d told Peter anyway. He needed a buffer between the world and the people pawing at him.

With a flourish of his wrist Tony had provided a contract. Peter had read it over and it was simple: be where Tony wanted him to be, when he needed him to be, and dressed the part - and be exclusive - and Peter would be provided with a monthly compensation - along with bonuses.

With his rent six weeks behind Peter could barely refuse, eyes bulging at the figure. A monthly allowance of $5000, a driver service, all the bells and whistles. He’d signed the damn thing before he could even consider the consequences.

And at first, there were none. Tony took him to events, dressing Peter up in fine, expensive suits and parading him around on his arm. Peter got to drink pricey champagne and rub shoulders with the elite who cooed over their budding “relationship”. Tony took him out to dinner, out to shows, to the baseball, to functions. It was fun meeting new people and nice being spoiled for once.

However uncomfortable it made him to be in the public eye, the paparazzi got pictures of Peter and Tony looking utterly wrapped up in each other - holding hands, sharing kisses, looking adequately in love - and Peter got paid enough to start making a dent in his student loans.

He kinda hadn’t expected Tony to be all that… likeable to be honest, when he’d signed the contract. He’d heard of the mans arrogance, of his snarky attitude. Going off their first meeting he’d thought they guy would be, like, tolerable at the very least, even if Peter had always admired his work from an outside perspective.

Turns out Peter was wrong. Like, really wrong.

Because it turns out that Tony is… kind of amazing. The guy is smart and charming and a genuine fucking nerd. He’s generous (nearly to a fault) and tries to hide it. Don’t get Peter wrong, Tony is also a little asshole who drinks too much and works even more - but he’s such a good guy. He always makes sure Peter is comfortable with whatever they do, even if it’s holding hands, he tips waiters handsomely and lets Peter tinker around in his personal lab. He gives to charity, makes sure his employees get leave and bonuses and pays them deservingly, he’s progressive and treats Peter like a human being.

It’s not like Peter is in love with him or anything. He’s just super fond of the guy.

MJ rails him for it ad nauseum, telling him he’s getting too close, that he should remember he is an employee who, as stated in the contract, can be terminated at any time.

Peter does remember, and if nothing else, it makes him value what time he does have with Tony. Makes him take his studies more seriously, never knowing when his funds are going to dry up. For an ad he placed while super drunk, it’s kind of the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

He’s fond of the guy, so what? It’s fine.

One day he and Tony are out for lunch at some rooftop diner. Tony is talking about working on one of his latest inventions, some kind of medical tech. He seems really passionate about it, talking about it at length with such fervent enthusiasm and Peter sits there, captivated, nodding and listening, the food between them forgotten. He thinks he’s just being attentive and the topic is interesting.

But then a ray of sunlight hits Tony’s eyes in a way that make them look like whiskey and Peter’s stomach does a weird swoop and his heart tingles.

Oh shit, he thinks.

Oh shit indeed.

It’s fine, Peter says to himself, multiple times a day. He’s had infatuations before - most never reciprocated - so, what’s the big deal? He’ll just ignore this one too.

Except… it’s hard. It’s hard to tell yourself not to feel romantically about a person when you get to kiss them and hug them and be by their side. Even if it’s only because he’s getting paid for it.

But it was also clear that it was only an arrangement for Tony and that he didn’t feel anything beyond reluctant fondness for Peter. He never touched Peter when they were alone except for some almost fatherly shoulder pats, he never initiated any displays of affection unless he knew they were being photographed, didn’t ever seem as hopelessly enamoured with Peter in the same way Peter seemed to become with Tony.

Peter finds himself pulling away just a little bit all the same, giving more and more reasons to not meet up with Tony - because as much as it makes him happy to be around the man, it begins to make his heart hurt a little more every time they’re together, every time Tony brushes his lips against his, places a hand at the small of Peter’s back, knowing it’s only for show. It was great before, when Peter didn’t feel like this - but the knowledge that the guy he had feelings for only kissed him because he was paying Peter to be his fake boyfriend made him feel kind of gross.

It’s fine.

It’s fine, he tells himself, over and over. It’s fine, he thinks, when one day Tony is photographed with a strawberry blonde, a series of shots showing them arm in arm, Tony’s smiling fondly in a way he never did with Peter as she kisses Tony’s cheek. The headlines and the tags refer to Tony as a playboy and about his boytoy being dumped, about being back together with his ‘old flame’.

They look good together, Peter concedes, even if it feels like his chest is caving in and like he’s going to throw up. He just wishes Tony had told him beforehand that he was done with him. Setting his phone down on the bed, Peter stares out into his room listlessly and tries to process the fact that it’s over, but all he sees is the way that Tony has infiltrated his life. The laptop on his desk, a gift from Tony, the watch on his wrist, the jeans on the floor, the signed Reyes baseball on his shelf, all gifts from Tony. Even the phone he saw the pictures on was given to him by Tony. It makes Peter feel wrong in his gut to have touches of the man in his personal intimate space when the guy didn’t even have the courtesy to give him the heads up that he was about to be publicly ‘dumped’ and humiliated.

He returns everything.

Tony must receive the hastily wrapped package with all of his spoils because he tries to call him the following day, Peter’s old cracked phone blinking to life. He ignores it and hangs out with Ned and MJ, wishing he lived closer to May so she could give him one of her healing hugs. His friends commiserate and help him get utterly fucking wasted that weekend, even as they call him a fucking dumbass.

He wakes up on Sunday with a hangover and eighteen missed calls from Tony. The calls are followed by a series of texts, the contents going from confused, to concerned to downright stern and then concerned again.

As he’s making himself breakfast and a coffee there is a knock on his door. When he opens it he sees a furious looking Tony, the bulging parcel that Peter had sent him under his arm.

“Oh, so you are alive,” Tony drawls, shouldering his way into Peter’s apartment.

Peter curses his stomach for the butterflies when Tony brushes against him to get inside, telling himself to stop feeling anything as he closes the door behind them.

“Mr. Stark - “

“What’s this about?” Tony says, setting the parcel on Peters tiny kitchen table and leaning against his counter. “Is this you returning my hoodies and CD’s? I mean in this case it’s a six-thousand dollar watch and jeans I’ll never fit into, but you get the gist.”

Peter leans against the opposite counter, mirroring Tony’s folded arms. He nods to the items and says, “I only thought it was appropriate, you know, considering.”

“Considering what, Petey?” Tony says, his face perplexed, even behind his shades. “You gotta fill me in, you know, communicate. What are we considering? If you were considering terminating your contract you should have just said so.”

Peter looks at him, narrowing is eyes. “Considering that you are with someone else and don’t need me anymore…? It’s fine, Tony, I just would have appreciated a heads up, is all.”

“I’m what?” Tony says, looking like his brain is doing a hard reset. “I’m what with who now?”

“The strawberry blonde? Paprika?”

“Pepper,” Tony corrects faintly.

“Pepper! That’s it. Her. Anyway, congrats, You uh, look great together.”

Tony tilts his head and considers Peter, the intensity of his stare making him squirm.

“So, let me wrap this all up in a nice, little bundle and you tell me if I have it right, okay? You see some news article, think I’m seeing Pepper, so you decide to send back everything I ever bought you and not answer any of my calls. Is that it?”

Peter nods, tries to ignore his stupid heart trying to beat itself out of his chest to get to Tony.

“Yeah, that’s - that’s it. I mean, thank you for everything, Tony. It just doesn’t seem right to keep any of it.”

“Why?” Tony asks, stepping closer to Peter and pocketing his shades. “They’re yours, I want you to have them.”

Peter determinedly avoids the mans gaze by looking down at his feet, tapping one against the tiles. “It’s just not right. It doesn’t matter.”

“Look at me,” Tony says, and when Peter tilts his head up the man is a lot closer. “I’m not with Pepper, we’re just friends. You shouldn’t believe everything you read.”

“Oh.”

“And I would have appreciated you asking me before losing my number.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Peter repeats, rubbing at the ache in his chest with his hand. “I’m sorry, I should have asked, you’re right.”

“So… does that mean you’ll take your stuff back and answer my calls again? Maybe join me in Florence next weekend? I know a great place you’d like.”

The small, almost imperceptible hope in Tony’s voice makes Peter’s throat go tight as his stomach drops with what he’s about to say.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Mr. Stark. I don’t think we should do this - I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

Tony frowns and steps even closer. “Is it about the press? I can shut down every single one of those if you give me, like an hour tops, maybe two if I have to buy out Murdoch as well.”

“It’s not the press.”

“Then what is it? What, are you bored?”

Peter shakes his head.

“Then what is it?”

“Don’t make me say it,” Peter whispers, looking down at his feet again as his eyes start to prickle.

“Peter, if you’re leaving me out in the cold after six months that’s your choice, but I gotta know why.”

“It’s just,” he begins. “It’s - I thought I could handle it, but I can’t. I can’t handle feeling like this about you when everything you feel about me is in a contract. It’s not right for me to be in love with you when I’m being employed to pretend that I am.”

“You’re in love with me,” Tony says.

“I’m sorry, I know I wasn’t supposed to - “

Anything else he was going to say is cut off when Tony bridges the distance between them and presses his lips to Peters in a soft kiss.

“Well thank god,” Tony says. “Otherwise that would have made my feelings for you kind of awkward.”

“Your…huh?”

“I probably should have fired you the moment I fell for you? I don’t know, the logistics are kind of weird, but we both know I’m selfish and a little morally bankrupt, so. I didn’t. But you fired yourself anyway.”

“Huh?” Peter says again, a little dazed by the turn of events. “Am I still asleep? Did you say you have feelings for me?”

“Okay, you are not a morning person,” Tony says, taking one of Peter’s hands and bringing it up to his mouth to kiss it. “Yes. It’s kind of embarrassing but apparently you love me too, so, I guess we’re both losers.”

The burst in his heart propels him forward to kiss Tony again, wrapping his arms around the mans neck.

“So,” Tony prompts when they pull apart some time later, breathless. “Florence, yes or no?”

“Yes, but no more payments.”

A kiss.

“Fine. But I still get to buy you things.”

Another kiss.

“… fine.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Loser.”

#starker #starker fic #tony x peter #tony stark/peter parker #spideriron #sugar daddy au #I'M SO SO SO SO SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG #I HOPE ITS OK

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spyvstailor · 5 years

Text

Need 70 More

Sorry to do this, guys, but even though I thought I placed a one time stop payment on a bill that was coming out, it came out anyways, so my bank account is now overdrawn. I need just 70 more to get to a comfortable spot in my friggin life. However! Good news is you all reached my original goal! So life is doing good things for me!

HUGE THANKS AND SHOUT OUT TO EVERYONE WHO DONATED AND REBLOGGED! SOME OF YOU GAVE LIKE WAY TOO GENEROUS FOR MY SHITTY WRITING AND IT DID NOT GO UNAPPRECIATED OR UNNOTICED! GOOD THINGS WILL COME TO YOU IN LIFE FOR YOUR GENEROSITY. I LOVE YOU GUYS!

Donate to my Paypal. Also I now have a Ko-Fi at the suggestion of someone dear to me, so here’s the link to that. It’s kind of barren right now, I’m working on it to offer people things they might like in order to earn my keep.

But as promised, here is my give so I may take. Chapter Two of Graveyard Dirt & Salt!

Chapter Two

The bell tower was covered in bird shit and looked like it was going to give him some kind of disease, but the view from it was worth the filth.

If he stood, with his back to the trees that grew in thick to the South of the convent, the back end as he'd come to call it, he could see straight down the cattle trail that lead from the convent gate, almost all the way down to the highway beyond the woods. To his right, to his left, to his hindquarters, was nothing but trees. Thick woods to give them cover.

They were both a blessing and a curse.

In his mind, if anyone took beef with them, the trees would be perfect cover for lurking invaders. But on the other hand, the trees kept their little convent a secret from the rest of the world.

Kicking some of the larger detritus out from his new nest, he unfurled his bedroll and began to make himself at home. If he stayed longer than a week, if he lasted longer than a week, he would give it a good, solid scrub down, but for now it was a place to sleep without worrying about having his ass snacked on.

Besides, he was pointedly warned against trying to settle into the cloister itself, the dorms where the nuns seemed to sleep. So he had to make his bed someplace other than the infirmary.

The clacking on the wooden ladder up to his perch alerted him to the fact someone was about to visit and he settled on his haunches, wanting to appear non-threatening to the woman who was about to appear.

A blonde head popped up into view, followed by a blue jumper dress.

The young nun carried with her a plate with bread smeared with what looked like honey and she smiled sweetly at him.

“Mother Mena wanted me to bring you some food, she said you'd be hungry.” The woman said.

“That's very sweet of you, thank you.”

Setting the plate in his lap, the woman turned to leave.

“So...tell me about you nuns here, what's your deal?” He called out to her, mostly desperate for some conversation after months of solitude.

The woman turned. “Oh...uh...well, what do you...um. I'm sorry, I'm Mary Elizabeth, I'm a novitiate, which means I haven't taken my vows yet. We're a Cisterian order, which means we value stability and simplicity.”

“And you don't ever...do anything beyond pray?”

“Well, we garden and take care of our chickens and hives, mostly we supply...well, we used to supply vegetables and peaches from our trees and eggs and honey and bees wax to the local farmer's market to support our convent. Most of our funds go to charity in the church, people starving in other countries, disaster relief. And we reflect, on God, on man, on everything in between.”

Splitting the bread slice in half, he handed her the larger piece and bit into his.

Mary Elizabeth took the offered piece with a shy grin and squatted down like a lady to join him, knees together, skirt covering anything inappropriate, one hand on her knees to ensure this.

“Is it really bad out there?” She asked as they chewed in silence. “Some of our order went to the market nearly half a year ago and never came back.”

He nodded. “I can't give you any hope, they're probably gone. Swept away with the dead.”

The woman's pretty little face puckered in dislike of that idea, but she soldiered on bravely.

“It's like Revelations. The dead rising. Scares the dickens out of me, if I'm honest.”

The woman was so sincere in her fear, as she rightly should be, but it troubled him to think of her now knowing the full extent of what was going on outside the convent walls. The Lieutenant had been forged by war overseas, by rigorous training and by all he had seen and done in his forty-three years and he couldn't imagine being in the dark while the whole world fell to pieces around you. Then again, he was always the one running into the danger, as others fled.

This slip of a girl, barely old enough to vote, it seemed, was scared of the rotting corpses that walked across the land and he understood how she could be. It was bigger than them, out of control, there was nothing left but the dead and the vultures who picked at the corpses of society. The wildfire had spread, the towns and holy places had fallen.

Downing the last morsel of his bread and honey, the Lieutenant stood up and pointed at her. “Well, either you're closing your eyes to a situation you do not wish to acknowledge or you are not aware of the calibre of disaster indicated by the presence of a pool table in your community.”

The woman clutched her hands together and beamed happily. “Oh! I love The Music Man!”

“Ya got trouble, my friend, right here, I say, trouble right here in River City,” he went on playfully.

Mary Elizabeth blushed shyly. “Mother Mena says you're the trouble around here.”

“She's getting a hunter and protector out of this deal. Missy should watch her tongue.” He returned, easing his ass against the railing and folding his arms.

“I'd better get going, I have to do the washing tonight and I wasn't really supposed to talk to you.”

“It was nice to talk with you regardless, Lizzie. But don't get yourself into trouble on my behalf.”

The woman giggled. “You too, Lieutenant. And I won't. I think it's uncharitable to pretend you don't exist. Seems a little cruel. Not that I judge Mother Mena! She's kind, she's just...scared, I think.”

“We're all scared. That's the human condition. Fear of being the prey to a greater predator and for the longest time man was at the top of the foodchain. Mind yourself going down now,” he cautioned, moving to offer her a hand down the ladder, before remembering that he wasn't to touch any of the nuns, so he drew his hand back quickly.

Mary Elizabeth beamed at him. “Thanks for the offer though. I like a gentleman.”

For days the Lieutenant hunted for the nuns, but he was like a ghost at the convent. The nuns saw him, the spoke of him in hushed whispers, but no one dared approach him.

He'd bring them an animal sacrifice and they'd send someone up to his tower with a plate for his share of the meal, but he was still awful lonely.

It had taken an entire week before another nun spoke to him.

“That is a household worth of baggage, Lieutenant.” She said.

He had just returned to the convent with a successful bounty, two ducks and a goose for dinner, when Sister Mary Agnes approached him. He had met her the other day when she was the one to bring him some food. He liked her matronly look.

“I got lucky,” he returned, preparing to clean the kills.

“I meant that pack on your back,” she said, kneeling beside him. “Doesn't it ever get awful heavy after all that walking?”

Glancing at his pack, the one he went everywhere with, he grinned. “It's my apartment. Everything I own is in that bag.”

“How on earth can a man travel with so much on his back? Don't you ever get tired?” She demanded.

“Mais, when you don't have a home, Sister, you make do. My apartment is on my back, ready at a moment's digging.”

The woman stopped them both, her dark eyes grave. “What's it like out there, Lieutenant? Really?”

“Hell on earth,” he admitted. “If it's not full of the dead, it's lonesome and abandoned. Torn apart like the aftermath of a child's temper tantrum. It's like walking through a bad dream.”

“Sounds like things are bad.”

“Worse. Whatever you're thinking, it's worse.”

Mary Agnes frowned. “I sometimes wonder why, when everything has turned to dust, we're left here holding the bag, as it were.”

“We're the survivors,” he explained. “It takes a lot of hard work to become the survivors. A lot of loss and a lot of pain, but we're here.”

“I suppose that makes sense. They always said the broken ones triumph.” She nudged him kindly. “So what broke you?”

For a second he was thrown, gunshots echoed in his memory. Shouting and verbal abuse, memories of his mother, of everything that had shaped him came flooding to the forefront of his mind, before he managed to recover himself.

“Why, sister,” he teased. “We are all broken children under God's eyes. Doesn't take much more than a dead dog or a bully in our childhoods.”

“I pried,” she returned simply. “I'm sorry. But humour will only deflect for so long, Lieutenant.”

“Mais,” he sighed. “It lasts long enough though.”

He was on the wall later that evening, watching an uggie as it shambled from out of the woods towards the wall he was on.

Poor little lady in her bathrobe, one slipper still on, the other long gone.

“Didn't expect to be caught in your jammies, huh?” He asked the thing.

It grunted and made a mad dive for the wall just under him, hands clawing at the stones.

“Never actually thought people even wore bathrobes,” he went on calmly. “Maybe I should start wearing one. Look like one of those old Hollywood actors. Cary Grant, yeah?”

“What on earth on you doing up there?” Missy asked from the ground behind him.

“Bird watching,” he returned casually. “Wanna come up?”

“And fall off that wall and break my tail in this habit? I think I'll pass on the offer. Being up there in jeans is one thing, but this habit is a wind catcher for sure.”

Turning around he held out his hand to her. “Come on. I won't let you fall.”

Hitching her robes to her, she moved to a spot where she must have propped an old ladder in order to climb up.

He moved to help her onto the wall, once more forgetting that he couldn't touch the nuns.

She held out her hand as he moved to grasp her elbow and stood on the wall, peering down at the uggie in her jammies.

“Do you suppose they're in pain?” She asked.

“I don't think so, think they're running on instinct and nothing else.” He said, running his hand over the butt of his rifle a little nervously, ready to steady Missy at a moment should she prove correct and the wind grab her. “Reminds me of this fact I heard about octopi and how if you put their corpse by salt their little tentacles react, but they're dead as rocks. Like that, I suppose. Them folks in Japan eating them basically raw, and their little tentacles grab at them chopsticks. Little undead squiggles putting up a fight.”

“This is a person,” she murmured. “She had things to do, goals and dreams.”

“We're all born astride the grave.” He stated.

Handing her his rifle, he pulled out his knife and jumping off the wall, over the thing, he came up behind her and knocked the uggie against the stones, holding her there so he could drive his knife into the base of her skull. It sunk heavily to the ground and he eased the poor woman back into a dignified laying position. Kneeling by the corpse, he wiped his knife blade on her bathrobe, before looking up to find the nun peering down at him quietly.

“Do you want a hand with her?” She asked.

He moved to help her down, his large hand sliding around her waist so that she could hop against him to break her fall somewhat, the other day she had precariously climbed down and nearly fell, today she was wearing her full habit, she offered him a hard look as he set her on her feet.

“That had better been my only option of dismount,” she warned him.

“Unless you want to break your neck today, then yes, ma'am.”

Kneeling over the corpse, Missy pushed the woman's hair out of her face and peered upon the rotted visage.

“Last rites?” He joked.

“I can't give those,” she said. “I just wanted to look at the poor woman. I killed so many of these the past few weeks, I never had a chance to pause and give thought to them. I honestly thought it was for the best to put them out of their misery. They are abominations after all, but they were once God's children.”

Kneeling with her, the Lieutenant nodded. “Bet she was someone's mama. She looks like a mama.”

“I hope her babies are alright, but from what you tell me, I don't imagine they are.” She was quiet for the longest time, before adding, “you'll keep my girls safe, won't you?”

“If you want me to,” he replied. “I haven't got anywhere to be.”

She looked at him for the longest time, those pretty blue eyes of hers shining and hard, despite being the bluest things he had ever seen. Set against her white chocolate skin and framed by luscious dark lashes, she was hell in a habit. If he had to gauge an age on her, he would wager she was around the same age as him, maybe a little younger. She certainly aged well if she were any older, and maybe she had, she was in charge of her convent, after all, and it took a while to advance in any profession.

“Then if you advise me on how to keep them safe, I will listen, but I will not compromise our faith for anything. The bell will stay silent, and we will do a patrol of the wall, but I will not expect any of my girls to harm anyone or anything without knowing for certain that it won't damn them. Some of my nuns still have their faith and I want them to keep it strong.”

“Fair enough,” the returned with a grin, holding out a hand to shake.

She considered it for a moment.

“Nobody went to hell for shaking a Cajun's hand,” he teased.

“Yet,” she murmured with a very, very small shine in her eyes.

Reconsidering his dirty hand, the Lieutenant wiped it on the front of his shirt, before offering it again.

This time she took it, shaking gently.

“You know this reminds me of this story my mamere used to tell me,” he explained, grunting as he scooped up the dead woman. “About this--”

“Sorry, your 'mamere'?” Missy interrupted.

“My granny.” He said, moving the corpse onto the muddy cattle trail of a road leading up to the convent gate where a fire would burn better without starting the woods ablaze. If they were going to keep collecting bodies, he would have to begin burning them. That pile in the woods would soon be doing nobody no good. “She used to tell me about this old man named Gilliam, used to beat the hell out of his old hound. Never deserved the poor thing, so one night, my...uh...granddaddy, he goes over, dead of night, dark as Hades--”

“I don't mean to cut your tale off at the root, I'm certain it's a wonderful parable, Mister Lieutenant, but we are about to burn a body here? Perhaps some wise words or none at all?” Missy suggested.

The Lieutenant was quiet, settling the corpse up in the middle of the muddy trail, before reaching for his lighter. He set the woman ablaze, burning her clothing, knowing full well the parchment paper flesh that remained on her corpse would go up in smoke easily.

Standing back, he glanced around cautiously, knowing that uggies liked to pop up when least expected.

Finding them alone, he turned his attention back to the burning body.

“Uh, dearly beloveds we are gathered here today to, uh, burn this--”

“Are you marrying the corpse or laying her to rest, Lieutenant?” The woman demanded with another very small twinkle in her eye.

“Mais, girl, go easy on me. I ain't a priest.”

“Honey, even the heathens had idols they worshipped before the Christian God,” she pointed out.

“So I'm lesser than a heathen and yet greater then a toad, yeah?” He winked at her.

As the smoke began to choke them with the scent of burning flesh, the nun turned on her heel and headed back to the wall, hiking her hem up as she went tiptoeing through the mud.

“You're certainly bigger than a toad,” she said. “Now use that might and give me a hand up and over, please?”

She squealed an undignified and rather girlish noise as the Lieutenant came up behind her and scooped her up and at the wall with his hands.

“Mind your hands,” she warned coolly as soon as she recovered her dignity.

“Sorry,” he said easily, shifting his left hand from where it cupped her inner thigh, “there's so much skirt to you that I wasn't sure where the safest place to stick my hand was at. I guess I aimed wrong.”

“I nearly had to abandon my vows for you to make an honest woman of me,” she declared, hoisting herself up onto the wall.

Beaming up at her, the Lieutenant said, “hey, now, Missy. Mind your tongue before the devil cuts it off.”

As soon as she was safely on the wall, he said, “now hand me that rifle you got.”

“Aren't you coming up?”

“Well, I promised you some venison now didn't I?”

“This late? Lieutenant, it's almost dark.”

“Best time of day to hunt for deer, yeah?” He winked at her and held out his hand for the gun.

That night the Lieutenant stood in his bell tower watching over the land.

He had to admit, at night like this, with only the cicadas chittering, the ruined world was beautiful still.

As much as he loved people, he enjoyed his solitude as well and with the stars in the sky and the land absolutely still, he was able to just think his thoughts.

“If it keeps on rainin', levees gonna break,” he sung to himself, wandering around the small perimeter of the bell tower, watching all sides for anything moving in the shadows below. Raising the rifle he peered down the scope at something that shifted, it appeared to be shrubs and the wind. “If it keeps on rainin', levees gonna break.”

In the woods he knew they were there, lurking, shuffling, ambling, tripping up and falling. Maws open to devour whatever they fell upon, hands clenched into death claws at their sides, the muscles having retracted and dried up in death.

“And the water gonna come and we'll have no place to stay,” he lowered the rifle as an uggie emerged from the woods.

It was just a shadow really, shuffling from the darkness, finding the wall with its chest, bouncing back and staggering to regain its footing. For a moment, the thing stood dumbly, head bent down, before it seemed to lift its chin and sniff the air.

It wasn't worth it for him to shoot the thing, his gun wasn't much use at times like this, the sound only drawing more to his location, but he liked to use the scope to watch as the dumb thing sort of collapsed against the wall.

From his perspective, he could only see the top of its head, but the manic bobbing told him it had caught their scent and was trying to find a hole in the wall to get at dinner.

Tomorrow he would have to reinforce the wall properly, a few sharp sticks, some hole traps, anything to give them an edge on the dead. He'd head into the nearby town to find something that still drove that he could back against the wrought iron gate.

He wasn't sure about that one, most of the time the vehicles didn't turn over at all. Having never pondered it, he supposed that maybe the gasoline had gone south. He knew it could stale, had tried to drive old lawnmowers enough times to know you had to drain the gas out from the tank if you weren't planning on using them for a good, long while.

Maybe he'd find one though. He only needed her to limp to the convent, it didn't need to win no races.

“Good morning, Lieutenant.”

He had emerged from the church the next morning to Sisters Dymphna, Felicity Perpetua and Mary Claire standing around the steps in the cool shade of the north side.

“Good morning, ladies,” he returned. “Aren't y'all not supposed to talk to me?”

“Only when Mother Mena's not around,” Dymphna replied, her brown eyes sparkling. “Are you heading out?”

“I was planning on doing a little work on the wall today. Did you need me to head out for something?” He asked, coming to stand in the little clutch with them. So far he had found the younger nuns more receptive to his presence than the older ones.

Except for Sisters Gertrude and Boniface, he adored Gertrude and her cats and Sister Boniface was a Quebecois French woman, so he felt a sort of kindred spirit in her.

“Maybe we wanted to do something for you for once,” Sister Mary Claire said with a smile that could brighten a stormy day.

“Something for me?”

Sister Felicity Perpetua, who had been standing with her hands behind her back, produced a child's lunch kit and held it out to him proudly. “We made you a lunch if you're planning on leaving.”

“You have to stay strong,” Sister Mary Claire added. “An army marches on its stomach.”

“Plus, you know, we appreciate you being here for us.” Dymphna added.

There was something sincere in their eyes, something which made the Lieutenant give a slight, unsure pause, before he accepted the lunch kit.

“Thank you,” he said. “I'm going to be just outside the wall working on it today, but maybe at some point I might hike it into the nearby town, see if I can find a big enough truck or some kind of van maybe.”

“What for?” Felicity Perpetua asked.

He motioned for the nuns to follow him towards the gate. They all stopped before it and he motioned with the hand holding his lunch at the rusty gate. “She's solid enough, but old and if enough of those things out there pushed against her at once she could go. I'm going to back a heavy girl up against her and reinforce it.”

The nuns were quiet for a bit, before Dymphna said, “I'm going with you.”

“Nope,” he declared firmly.

“Yes,” she insisted. “You can't go into the town alone with those things out there.��

“I lived this long on my own, I'll be fine.” He stated. “You nuns don't go anywhere outside these walls without me. My job is to keep you safe, your job is to make my job easier by staying here and being your cute little selves.”

“What if something happened to you?” Felicity Perpetua whispered. “My soul would know no peace.”

“Don't you have chores?” Someone asked from behind them, causing a couple of the nuns to jump.

Sister Thomas Aquinas, a stern faced woman of about seventy stood behind them, her arms full of blankets.

The three nuns all ducked out quickly, but not before Dymphna grasped his forearm with a strong, small brown hand.

Looking at him with a hard, glittering stare, the older nun seemed to be sizing him up for a moment, before handing him the blankets.

“Here,” she said. “We found some of these to spare. I thought you might like to keep yourself warmer up in that bell tower.”

“Thank you.”

“You're welcome,” she said tersely, before turning and walking off, muttering to herself about a 'fox in the hen house'.

He missed the days when he could go out into the woods and just sit and enjoy the peace.

Now, whenever he was in the woods, he was vulnerable and on edge. Always prepared for something to stagger out of the underbrush.

There was a time, when he was a boy, he'd duck into the woods by his rural home near Eunice, what wasn't swampy bayou, was pretty little woods filled mostly with cypress and oak trees, the forest floor was always good and moist, carpeted with the soft needles that the bald cypress trees shed.

The smell of the forest was always the way he found peace. That scent of good, clean country air, with a little harmless stank from the bayou, coupled with the scent of the damp earth. It was home sure enough and he missed it.

Georgia had it's own smell. Less bayou, more fresh water on the air. Rivers and streams and creeks. Nothing like the stagnant scent of the swamp.

He supposed, it was perhaps a little more fresher air, though it just wasn't home and that made all the difference.

Georgia was True Love Ways compared to Louisiana's Oh Boy, if Buddy Holly songs could be used to compare the two. Both good songs, though one was a little more melodic and slow-paced, the other had a bit more get-up-and-go.

“Boy, what are you doing to my wall?”

The voice came from above him on the wall and he looked up to find a furious nun standing there, swaying a little unsteadily in her habit and the mild wind.

“Just reinforcing it, Missy,” he said.

Philomena sighed. “We look like an ancient castle with these sharp sticks poking out.”

Stepping back, he admired his work and nodded. “Yeah, palisades, that's where I got the idea. Figured if it kept them old Celt tribes out, it'd work for us.”

“It doesn't look very inviting,” she muttered.

“It's not supposed to be a welcome mat,” he replied.

“Well, I suppose that's fine, just please don't hoist yourself on your own petard,” she said after a moment of thought.

He wiped his hands off and dug through his pack for the lunch the nuns had packed him. “You up there for a reason?”

“Sister Mary Claire says some of the younger nuns expressed interest in helping you outside these walls.”

“And you want to slap my wrist for tempting them?” He used the gate to climb onto the wall and sat beside her to eat his lunch.

“Not entirely,” she admitted, easing down a little clumsily beside him. “I think...well maybe you could be permitted to teach those of us interested in a few ways to defend ourselves from the abominations.”

Plucking a half a carrot out of his mouth, he crunched on the other half for a good long while. It was so delicious. He had forgotten what fresh veggies tasted like.

“Really?” He finally asked.

She stared off down the cattle trail before them, and he followed her gaze. The path was hung over with oak branches and Spanish moss, pretty for the late summer, but it was tainted by the dead. Always and forever tainted now. Somewhere out there in those pretty trees and green shrubs they ambled and shuffled and staggered and crawled, gnashing and drooling for their next meal. And somehow it worried him more to think about them in the broad daylight, then at night where all the boogins and monsters belonged.

He supposed those uggies all had hopes and dreams and plans set aside now for one thing and one thing only. Same as him, same as the woman sitting beside him, same as all the nuns in the convent behind them.

“Our wills and fates do so contrary run,” he began with a sigh, reminded by something she had said earlier.

Beside him Missy was quiet still, eyes on the world beyond her walls. “You're well read, for a soldier.”

“I'm sure you had to read Hamlet in high school too,” he teased. “A lot of it just stuck with me, I suppose. Don't be fooled,” he went on with a grin, “I'm just a simple country boy from the bayou.”

“I grew up in Savannah,” she said. “Have you ever been?”

“No,” he admitted. “Didn't get a chance before all this and I damned well won't go now. It'll be overrun.”

“We've been so secluded here,” she admitted gently. “I thought though, that someday I would be transferred out to a school or a...missionary, but I suppose this is my life now.” She hurried to add, “not that I'm complaining. I will bear this with grace, only that I miss the outside world, God's real world out there. Art and books, beauty created by the hands of His creatures, so much lost now.”

The Lieutenant stared at the woman as she continued to gaze wistfully out at the trees. He was so struck by how easy she made being beautiful look. “Has anyone ever told you that you that you look like Vivian Leigh?” He asked.

For a moment, the woman's face read irritated, then puzzled, before she finally smiled sweetly and looked down. “Tell me, Mister Lieutenant, is it nature or force that compels you to flirt with every woman you meet?”

“Sometimes it's not just women,” he teased.

“Oh!” She offered him a scolding look, though her face was still mostly smiles and amusement.

He beamed.

#here is the second chapter #you are all doing friggin great in helping me out #i have less stress because you have all helped pick me up #let's keep this going #and follow my ko-fi because i will post stuff there for reading too #please signal boost the new chapter guys #for your followers who may be reading this

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vampqueersarchive · 4 years

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In a World Uncertain, Say You’ll be my Stone

Okay this is a original fic by me im sorry if its shit i was listening to an Alessia Cara song when I wrote this and used Troye songs in this as well idk its cute and i love it

Rating: G Word count: 4,427 Warnings: Accidental outing Summary: Freddie a makeup youtuber and his best friend Reese a singer decide to fake date after Freddie accidentally outs himself aka FRIENDS TO BOYFRIENDS (This is straight up fluff yo!)

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An annoying buzz was the first thing Freddie heard, a buzz he wanted to stop. Turning over with a groan he pulled his phone to his face, seeing his sister Katherine's name blinking across the too-bright screen. With weak still slow from sleep hands he finally answered with a sigh. "Hello-" He started voice gruff from just waking up. "You have got some explaining to do Mr." Katherine started in a soft, yet demanding tone. "Mum is going to kill you!" "Kat, the love of my life, Mum can kill me later, it's too early." He mumbled sleepily turning his face into the plush pillow. "Freddie, you're on the front page of every magazine, they caught you kissing Hayden." At that moment Freddie felt everything well up in his throat, suddenly all the drinks he had the night before had turned against him. He felt moments away from crying but also getting sick. "No..." he trailed off, "It can't be." he half-whispered to himself and his sister. "Kat, tell mum I'll call later." without letting her reply, he hung up his almost dead iPhone and did what he couldn't do on the phone. Freddie let himself cry, he couldn't believe he let himself get so absorbed into the night before. He could not believe he did what he promised himself he would never do until he felt that the time was right.

Freddie Barnes outed himself.

It wasn’t the fact that Freddie wanted to stay in the closet or the fact that he didn’t feel comfortable being himself. Hell no! That wasn’t Freddie, as most of Freddie's friends could attest to Bi Pride day he wore pink, lavender and blue as if his life depended on it. People. Biphobic people, homophobic people, transphobic, aphobic, nonbinaryphobic people were the ones he couldn’t handle. As strong as Freddie was he couldn’t handle all the hate that would be directed to him. Freddie knew the feeling all too well, back in Doncaster when he came out and all of his friends left him abandoned. Then a few years ago when his best friend came out and the internet flooded with so much love, but love is always drowned out by the unbearable hate. “Hayden,” Freddie spoke in a small brittle voice. Hayden Sanders his best friend who had to deal with all this hate long before, now getting even more all because of a drunken truth or dare game. All because of me Freddie thought to himself, It’s all your fault. Before Freddie could get any more down on himself a soft knock came from the other side of his door. “Come in” he softly spoke trying not to give the person an indication that he had been crying for the better part of an hour. Hayden slowly stepped through the door, looking about as rough as Freddie did. His long curls in an unruly heap that was meant to be a bun. Tear stain’s running from the waterline of his lashes, in long unforgiving streaks down to his chin. His clothes a wrinkled mess, still in the same outfit from the previous night. And worst of all he refused to meet Freddie gaze. “Hayden please look at me.” Freddie pleaded, his wobbly voice betraying him. However, Hayden still would not look into his eyes, he shuffled across the room towards Freddie bed taking Freddie tight in his arms and releasing the sobs Hayden tried so hard to keep in. This sent Freddie reeling, only tangling his fingers into Hayden’s lilac jumper, sending the tears he tried to hold back down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry Fredd.” Hayden whispered in his thick low voice. “I am so sorry.” Either of them could say any words, they only curled closer into the embrace. ~ It felt as though days past when Freddie woke up to the sound of glass clacking together. Sleepily rubbing the sleep from his eyes, pulling himself out of his large round bed and going to look for Hayden. With each step on the cold hardwood floor, Freddie remembered the hours before. The call from Katherine, another step Outing himself, another step Hayden coming crying, another step After being hit with a repeat of everything Freddie quickly made his way to his small kitchen, only to be face to face with Hayden. Hayden wasn’t himself, his usual bright cheeky smile reached his eyes. But now his eyes were dull, and his smile was just a fake one. As if he was trying to be strong for the both of them. “I made you tea, no milk like you like it,” Hayden said sliding a cup towards Freddie, placing his hands on the small island in the middle of the kitchen. “Freddie, I am so sorry. I can fix this I swear.” He pleaded, his smile faltering as his voice choked with the urge to cry. A few tetras weld up in Freddie's eyes only for him to shake his head. “H, there’s nothing you can do. What’s done is done. It was bound to happen at some point.” He shrugged, opening his arm nodding at his best friend to come in for a cuddle. “Now, all those fanfics of us will double, who knows maybe we’ll be some uni students looking for a new year’s kiss,” Freddie smirked as he sipped on his tea, causing Hayden to groan in response. “I didn’t even think of all the people that ship us. It’s rather cute though don’t you think.” Hayden mused, wrapping his arm around the small of Freddie back, making them connect seamlessly as they always do. Freddie giggled nodding, “I quite like the ones where we fake date each other to be honest. But that’s off the record Sanders.” The stern voice only to be compromised by the joyful expression, sending crinkles up to his eyes. A pleasant silence consumed the two of them before the elephant in the room became too much to bear. “Why don’t I call the lads?” Hayden suggested, looking at the wobble of Freddie's lip. “Please?” ~ Hours later and a distraction of pizza and makeovers lefts Freddie feeling better, that was until he decided to check his phone. As soon as he plugged in his rose gold iPhone, he went about his usual routine and clicked on twitter. As the app loaded Freddie nerves kicked in, dropping his phone to the ground causing Hayden, Ashton, and Liam to jump in their seats. As if in an instant, the boys were all wrapped tightly around Freddie, whispering sweet compliments into his hair. This went on until Freddie was finally calmed enough and stopped crying, mumbling a soft thank you in return. “Lads,” Hayden spoke up only nodding his head before it was just Freddie and Hayden in the room. “Freddie, I have an idea.” At this moment Freddie was up for any idea, that even included running through the streets of London with a bi-colored suit that read out “Freddie Barnes Is Bi” in big glittery letters. “Freddie I think we should fake date.” “Fake date?!?” Freddie screeched. “Hayden you have got to be kidding me, you finally got over all this hate about you being pan. You can finally kiss whoever you want in your videos without being bombarded with hate. Why would you do that?” Freddie whispered, looking down at his lap in defeat. “Fredd, I know how it feels going through this alone. I know how scary it can be, Freddie I don’t want my best friend to ever feel the same thing I did. Please let me help you for once.” Racking his brain with every negative outcome that could happen, Freddie suddenly was met with the widest pair of bright green eyes he had ever seen. At that moment Freddie knew all of his hindsight went out the window. “Okay, Hayden.” - It took Freddie a 30 minute laughing fit, followed by incoherent whispers of “I’m going to pretend to date my best friend” before anyone started to worry. Liam tried to help by bringing Freddie out some tea with lavender, to calm his nerves. While all the laughing made Ashton anxious and thus started to laugh too, causing Hayden to have to take a video of Ashton’s full out hollowing. When Liam finally came back in and connived Freddie to drink the tea, the room became far more relaxed. “So, someone please fill us in on what just caused all of that?” Ashton sounded horse from the laughing fit he just put himself through. “Hayden asked Freddie to fake date him,” Liam replied simply as Hayden nodded next to him. As soon as Liam spoke the hot tea came full force back out of Freddie's mouth in a spit take, sending him into a coughing fit. “Wait you knew?” Freddie coughed out. Liam just shrugged taking a sip of the tea he made for himself. “Who do you think gave him the idea? Look, Barnes, before you get all upset it’s better for the both of you. Coming at this purely from a pr standpoint, you can come out, be happy about your self, Hayden can spend more time with you, and either of you have to deal with any of the hate alone.” Ashton nodded, “Plus that means we can finally tweet about all the adorable shite you two do before you started to date.” He chipped in adding air quotes around ‘date’. “Fredd,” Hayden stated, “It’s the least I can do for you, and you have already done so much for me.” It took Freddie sometimes to think over it before he finally managed to agree. “So what’s our plan?” ~ Freddie knew exactly how this was going to go down, a simple coffee date, a few pap pictures, they hold hands news hits the stands, and then Freddie makes his coming out video. Even though having it all written down on paper helped, it also really didn’t. Things weren’t that simple. Freddie knew if they didn’t make this look believable enough it could all come shattering down around them. His nerves were in high gear making it almost impossible to even fill his brows properly much less try to do a flawless winged eyeliner. Holding up his rose lip liner from NYX he noticed his hands shaking making him even more nervous for the day. Adding his pink macaroon butter gloss, and then adding subtle glittered highlighter Freddie knew he was going to do this. And he was going to be the best fake boyfriend anyone could ever be. Well, that was until Freddie arrived at the coffee place. It was a small hole in the wall place that of course, Hayden would pick out. It looked like a try-hard hipster place that just didn’t feel right, maybe it was the deception he was about to do, or just the place itself but Freddie wasn’t sure about the plan any longer. As if on cue Hayden was right next to him, smiling his wide dimpled grin that melted the heart of everyone Hayden met, and Freddie could not be any more thankful for it at that moment. “H, what if we can’t do this?” Freddie whispered, trying to make sure that his fear didn’t lace his voice. Hayden only grinned wider in response, “I got you, I’ll keep you afloat.” Freddie felt his nerves melt instantly. His hands were no longer shaking, his racing heart slowly coming down to a soft tempo and everything clicking into place. - The date went much the same as any other time Freddie and Hayden are together, at least one picture of the other doing something silly, tons of banter and a few compliments (but of course Freddie still had to make at least one jab, now that Hayden is famous he doesn’t need an ego), and of course plenty of platonic kissing and cuddles. Now it felt so much more forced, causing Freddie to shy away every time Hayden’s hand lingered a bit too long. “Fredd,” Hayden spoke up trying to distract him from any negativity he may be having. “It’s just me it’s okay.” He tried to console only to make Freddie shy away more. “H, it just doesn’t feel right, it’s not for us anymore it’s for everyone.” Hayden could only frown in response as the waitress came to pick up their empty cups, “I’m sorry to intrude,” she started, a thick welsh accent rolling off her tongue “Would you mind if I get a picture?” The pair looked towards each other only to be interrupted by her laughing. “No with me silly, the two of you blokes. Hayden, I’ve been listening to your stuff forever, and Freddie you are just so sweet. The both of you just make me so happy, I kinda just want to see you two the same way.” They both agreed to get up from their seats cuddling close to each other for the picture, as she took the photo Freddie looked over and seen what she meant. Hayden looked so happy to be with Freddie, his eyes light up more than the stars in the night sky. Freddie wanted to name one for Hayden at that moment, but his thought was broken when Hayden asked she send the picture to him on twitter. Freddie knew at that moment everything was going to be fine. - “Fredd,” Hayden hummed out, as they walked out hand in hand into the chilled autumn air of London. Freddie only made a nose in return nuzzling his face into the sleeve of the brown leather jack Hayden sported. The conversation, however, was abruptly halted by the sounds of the camera’s clicking, and whispers of the people behind them. Freddie could only sigh in response before he smiled up at Hayden. “Come on, Boo lets give them something to take a picture of.” Before Freddie could comprehend what was happening, Hayden had to take Freddie and twirled him around, both of them giggling and squealing with delight as their two bodies left almost no space between them. There was a clear crimson blush lining both of there cheeks as another snap went off. Maybe they could do this. ~ The next day Freddie woke up to another annoying buzz of his phone, of course, he knew exactly who it was this time. Hayden's contact name popped up on the screen, Freddie couldn't help but smile and feel so much love when he saw it. “Hel-” He was cut off by screaming in the background from none other than Ashton. “Boo,” Hayden whined into the phone. “They released the pictures and Ashton won't believe me that we aren't dating.” Even though the phone Freddie could tell he was pouting. The usual Hayden pout where he tried to look all angry yet sad, and end up just looking like an oversized toddler. “Put the wanker on the phone,” Freddie giggled rolling his eyes. The phone switched over and a very excited scream erupted through the phone. “Holy shit, Ash can you be even more excited for a little fake relationship.” “Fredd you can't lie to me. I got those Irish instincts and you lot are lying.” Ashton huffed out in pride. Freddie could only smirk at the wildness of his friend. “Yeah, yeah Mr. Ireland. Give the phone back to curls now will ya.” “Give the phone back to curls! Now that's going on twitter.” Ashton shouted as the phone was handed back to Hayden. “Boo I thought you said you were going to fix this,” Hayden said in a mock sad tone. “But it's Ash, what will ya do?” Hayden chuckled out his thick voice spoke in a slow soothing hum, sending a pleasant wave of warm down Freddie's spine. Freddie nodded humming in response before he realized why Hayden called in the first place. “Did the pictures turn out well?” “Fredd don't worry everyone is talking about them, I'm pretty sure Frayden is trending on twitter right now. But I was meaning to ask you something?” “And what would that be the love of my life?” “Hah ha very funny Fredd, but Liam thought it would be a good idea if we did more stuff together. Ya know after you make your coming out video.” That hadn't even crossed Freddie's mind having to make that video, the video where he couldn't turn back. The video where he had to lie and say his best friend was the person he was dating. “Yea,” he whispered into the phone. “Hayden can you be there when I record the video, please I need it.” “You don't have to ask Fredd, you're my best friend. Our friendship comes first.” A smile spread across Freddie's cheeks sending crinkles to the corner of his bright blue eyes. “Come over tomorrow okay?” - Freddie spends the day procrastinating, usually, that meant going on twitter but that was the last place he even wanted to look at. Instead, he decided to do something big tomorrow. He was going to do a coming outlook. Putting on his old vans and a pink knitted beanie he went to the closest drug store and found everything he needed from NYX. Picking up white eyeliner, the ultimate shadow palette, and the matte lip cream in soule, Moscow, and Paris. As he headed for the check out a young boy came up to him and hugged him without any warning. “Hi, Freddie!” The young boy chirped in excitement, “My mum is letting me get makeup thanks to you!” The boy smiled his whole face lighting up. Freddie couldn't hold back the pride he felt in helping this little boy become confident and feel okay to wear makeup. “That's amazing little lad, make sure to-” Freddie was cut off by the little boy finishing his line “Get Nyx because Nyx is best!” the boy smiled hugging Freddie one last time before he went off to get his make up. Knowing by just having his makeup channel he made that much of a difference he knew coming out could only make an even better one. ~ “Thanks for watching everyone and I'll see you next time.” Freddie smiled huffing a sigh as soon as Hayden turned off the camera. “Fredd that was amazing you did so well.” Hayden grinned opening his arms pulling Freddie into a tight hug. “But I hope you realize you're gonna have to do a pan look for the next pride.” “Nahh, you can watch the tutorial.” Freddie giggled pulling away from the hug, finally getting to look in the mirror without so much anxiety running through him. Freddie felt amazing, light pink and purple on his upper lid, flowed into a blue making his eye pop and a white-winged linger flicking out to a dramatic curve. His lips mimicking the bi flag and the sliver and purple glitter lining his cheeks. He then looked up behind him where Hayden was sanding smiling at his best friend with so much pride. “Thank you for being here, H.” “Anything for you Boo,” Hayden said his thick warm voice filling the room. “Liam wanted me to talk to you about something though.” Freddie's mood dropped instantly thinking that he would have to go through his alone. All of his fears welling upon his face as Hayden looked back over to Freddie with a frown. “Fredd, no don't worry. It's nothing bad I promise.” He said taking Freddie's hand and leading him to sit on the bed. “He said we should try kissing in front of the paps, or even when we film one of the videos or when you come to my concert with in the next two months..” He trailed off slowly toning his voice into a mumble. Freddie didn't really know how to respond. He gently squeezed Hayden's hand to try and clam him a bit. “Liam wants to make it look natural?” Freddie asked tracing his finger along the lines of Hayden's anchor. Hayden could only blush and nod, “Um... Yea.” “Well let's practice.” Freddie leaned in first, tipping his head slightly to the left as Hayden leaned to the right. They both fluttered closed, as their lips connected in what Freddie felt like a spark. Freddie hands trailed up and tangled his fingers into the ends of his curls. Hayden moved his arms to wrap around Freddie's waist. The feeling of safety and love spread throughout Freddie traveling to his fingertips. His fingers felt like sparks as he tried to pull Hayden closer when their lips worked together in what felt like a perfectly tuned orchestra playing in a beautiful symphony. To Freddie, the world felt as if the world stood still until the moment they pulled apart. The pulled apart blinking at each other in a form of shock and content, giggling like school kids who kissed their crush out in the schoolyard. A blush spread across Hayden's cheeks only causing Freddie to smile wider. “Come on, Romeo” Freddie started. “Let's film our first video.” ~ The first month went by with ease for the most part. The fans and paps loved their chemistry. They became the most talked about couple in all of 2016 Kimaye be damned. The fans loved when the two of them started to live stream, and even when Hayden made Freddie sing one of his songs. (The hashtag Frayden Sing Youth trended for almost two days.) However, with all the love came hate. Many people would come on Freddie channel and just say he was using Hayden for fame. Others would send biphobic messages to Hayden over Freddie only to get blocked in return. But for the most part, they were accepted. Ashton wasn't helping on the casual dating front though. Every time the lads were together Ashton would tweet something cute they said or even post a picture. Ashton convinced their fans at one point they were living together and adopted a kitten when he posted a picture of Freddie kissing Hayden's cheek as Hayden held up a small sphynx kitten in his hand. In all everything was starting to become Freddie life. Every Tuesday film two videos of his own and maybe one with Hayden. Wednesday was their best friend breakfast date that over the last month turned into a fake dating date. And on the weekends Freddie helped Hayden filming for his new music video series. And today was finally the release of Wild and also the day of the concert. In all Freddie felt a bubble of excitement well up. To celebrate the event Freddie and Hayden were going to do a live stream of them dying their hair matching colors before the event. It was 10 o'clock and Hayden still wasn't there. The hour soon changed over and Hayden still wasn't there. Freddie didn't know what to feel, he tried calling and it was straight to voice mail, he tried texting and no response. It was only 3 hours until the video premiere so Freddie texted once more before starting the live stream. The stream ended as the video went up and Freddie couldn't be more stressed. He kept running his hands through his new bubble gum pink hair as he refreshed his phone waiting and hoping for Hayden. But no call no text, he got nothing from Hayden. That's when the night came crashing in when Freddie got a text from Liam saying “Hayden's sorry.” - Day's went by and there was still no message from Hayden, everyone was tweeting asking when the next live stream would be, or even asking if the two of them were okay. It took a full week before Freddie shut down on himself. Every time he looked in the mirror and saw pink it made him want to shave his head. When he saw the tattoos, he had to pull on a sweater before he would start to cry. One drunken night Freddie could not hold back his feelings anymore, so he called Ashton. “Fredd, hey are you okay?” Ashton's voice seemed just weak as Freddie did until he realized it was 3 am. “Ash, I made my best friend hate me, he won't even talk to me anymore. Why did I do this? Why did I say yes to him.” Freddie sobbed before his words became incoherent. The other end of the line was quite before Freddie whispered in a wrecked voice from crying, “Ashton?” “Barnes,” Ashton started. “H fell in love with you.” ~ Freddie woke up again the same way he woke up two months prior. His phone buzzing but this time it was Hayden. Freddie picked up but he couldn't talk he felt so weak like he couldn't. “Fredd,” Hayden whispered in a soft rough voice from what sounded to be crying. “Can I come in?” “Of course.” and with that, Freddie heard his front door unlock as Hayden made his way into the room. Freddie met him there opening the door and let him in. “So,” Hayden looked town paying with the hem of his pullover. “I guess the cats out of the bag.” Freddie laughed only going back to the stony expression he started with. “Don't you dare make me laugh Sanders I'm still mad at you.” the room went silent as Hayden looked up to meet Freddie's eyes. “Why didn't you tell me?” “Because, why would you love me back? You're Freddie Barnes, you are perfect and amazing, and my best friend. I never meant for it to get this far.” He said voice wobbling try to hold back his tears. “H, you're always going to be my friend, but-” “No Boo, don't 'but' me” Hayden pleaded but before he could get any more out Freddie pulled him into a kiss. “You're always going to be my friend first, and my boyfriend second.” - The two stayed intertwined for the next few hours, nothing could get in between them. They felt content in each other's arms as they talked about nothing and play with each other makeup. The two of them feeling so happy and comfortable with each other they knew it had to be fiat. It was days later when they finally deiced to post a picture. Hours before Hayden finally dyed his hair and they thought it would be the best time to show it off. The picture was posed with Freddie's pink hair and Hayden's soft mint hair as they sat cross-legged holding hands while they kissed then captioned it “Friends before anything else.”

~Fin~

#screaming #i am having a name crisis rn so no name #my writing #original work #original fiction #writing #writingblr #authors on tumblr #authors

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secretariatess · 5 years

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These scam YouTube videos are wild man.

The first one I watched was a tax scam and they called a police captain. They kept telling her that she was going to be arrested if she didn’t provide the information they wanted, to which she looked at the camera and was like, “Yeah, right, that’s not going to happen.”

The second one I watched was also a tax scam and they called a tax attorney. XD That didn’t go over so well.

Then I found a channel where the guy made videos of him finding scammers (I think). It was the kind where you had to let them access your computer. He would then use the software they used to access his computer to delete their files. (According to the titles of some others, he also manages to lock some out of their PCs.)

then I found another channel of a guy who apparently started this whole thing because his grandmother with dementia got scammed. He would pretend to be different people (he had a device that changed his voice) and “play along” with the scammers. Of course, his characters were rather frustrating people to work with, like the woman who sold makeup and “spent” the gift cards the scammers were supposed to receive on computers and the like. One scammer even threatened to kill an “old lady” in a tax scam.

Remember folks:

1. The IRS doesn’t call. They send letters.

2. I’m near positive the IRS doesn’t hire people in India to do their calls.

3. Scammers, if the videos were any indication, can get upset really quickly and lose all professional appearances quickly. If they lose their patience with someone trying to figure out what’s going on, they’re scamming and don’t want you to think about what’s going on.

4. Microsoft has their own site with their own support system. If you run across the scam that insists you need to “call the ‘Microsoft’ number” to get your computer fixed, a) Microsoft’s not going to know unless you tell them, and b) they have an online chat service if you’re really concerned. Virus you can’t figure out how to get rid of yourself? Places like Best Buy and Staples can do it.

5. If anyone wants to give you free money, but tells you that you must first buy a gift card, they’re a scam. If they’re really that desperate to give you free money, there’s such thing as Paypal, checks, and cash.

I’m not an expert on scamming, but from what I can tell, they seem to rely on panic. And i know it can be so easy to look as scams and go, “Oh, that’s totally a scam,” but remember there’s a con artist for every generation.

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voracious-pumpkira-starr · 5 years

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VORE COMMUNITY PSA

False information was spread about me with very little truth. While some is truth, others are either taken from untrustworthy sources or were said by people whom are enemies i made in the past to make me more hated. I dont know if all of you know the post im refering to, i wont link it here but it has been causing me a lot if stress

Now I’m not going to deny some parts of the post because they are factual. But other parts are false. I havent blackmailed people for roleplay, and I dont charge back payments. The charging back of commissioned artwork is only from the artists point of view. And even then its heavily exxagerated. What happened was I spent too much money on porn commissions using a family members credit card on my own paypal, i paid this family member to do this of course bit they didnt know what i was buying. After i spent over $1000 CAD they realized I was spending it on porn and called paypal to charge it back. Paypal charged it back. I tried and tried to get paypal to send the money back but they locked me out of the account and the family member refused to let me send the money to them. Since then I was only able to pay back one artist of many, its not just artists. Paypal took back all payments and I even lost some of my art programs such as Clip studio EX because of this. Ive also lost many mobile apps and more. This caused me a lot of stress and I wasn’t allowed to use a credit card for a long time. Now, You know who. A certain artist who made these claims. Yes I admit I tried to roleplay with them but I will be honest. This is a honest statement from my own mouth. There is many many people in the community who KNOW I’m sumlur and are of age who roleplay with me and I wont name them to keep them same from harassment. Im not innocent but neither are the people like YOU who spread this information. And I will send you this post privately. Yes it is not my place to be in the vore community but because I have it helped with my depression and I learned many things that made me better as a person. I know my mistakes and I understand even when 2021 comes I will be hated in the community or even not let back in at all. But all I’m going to say. Is that yes I was immature and regret a lot of my decisions. But i stopped ban evading and all that long ago. It is now 3 years since this ekas portal drama has started with me, I, because of outdated or false information spread by you and many others have been Doxxed and had my info leaked on 8chan by a user named cloud runner teeny on 12/24/2018. Its been over a year since i was doxxed and I have been struggiling with depression and at multiple times even was suicidal. I nearly killed myself on lean (purple drank). Im not asking for pity because we both know I did aome messed up shit but making a PSA about me and spreading things from your point of view is only half the story. Many people have harassed my social media because of this or even turned me into a laughing stock. So here, if it makes you happy Cham. I’ll make a statement right here right now publically for all to see. If i lose friends for this then whatever it is what it is. It took me a lot of guts and a long time to say this but the stress has gotten to much for me. for the sake of peace I’ll admit to everything Chammy was correct about me ane everything that was false along with some misconceptions about me: so firstly Chammy is right about my age. My birthday is 01/30/2003. I am nearly 17 years old. Chammy is also correct about me asking him for roleplay stuff. However many adults i know who know my age are fine roleplaying with me and I will make this very clear for all of tumblr and the world. Yes I know the underage law and why you think you would be at risk of becoming a sex offender. But hear me out, I’ve actually talked to online lawyers about this and there was never a statement in US Federal law about roleplaying with minors being wrong. The only thing that is bad is if your doing it with malicious intent or send real nudes. As for the age of consent, that is 16 and as far as I know you can legally have sex with anyone within 5 years apart from you as long as its not recorded at that age. So I would assume roleplay would be legal unless its recorded or screenshotted just the same. So yes although it might be risky there is almost a 100% gaurentee your not at risk unless you go bragging about it or the minors parents

Report you. And I don’t have parents, my birth parents abandoned me for a life of crime and my grandparents had custody over me since i was 2 years old. My grandparents know about my vore fetish and although they think its weird they are fine with it to some extent. I can assure you for a fact they won’t report you unless your asking me for literal nudes, which I’d never even give away. Secondly I wanted to bring up the fact I did NOT try to sneak into Cham’s server I was asking if somebody could vouch to let me in so at 18 my friend Andy (WHO KNOWS MY AGE) could vouch for me since he/you closed all invites because of people insulting male predators.

Nextly I want to say this, Chameleonette is not a bad person. They aren’t spreading lies about me on purpose they are only saying what they were told which was spread around by many people who hate me such as aljenserp, AlluringPredation, Reffles, Cloudrunnerteeny, and artists who think i charged back on purpose. Now I also want to bring up the accusations of blackmailing adults who roleplayed with me. This is false, the only adults i ever blackmailed where ones who knew my age and asked for nudes, or were ACTUAL MINORS pretending to be adults which i know for fact.

Now I will admit I exposed some of these friends as minors out of anger and lost friends for this. I regret this so i wont say which ones, But I blackmailed them about exposing their age for some fights in the past.

But I will also admit again I did some stupid shit in the past and I understand the hate I have but its been causing me lots of stress and Harassment on social media. Look cham, if you actually take the time to read this I’m sorry for everything ive done to you and the vore community but I want to say that the adults arent entirely innocent either. I caused these problems by lying about my age, joining ekas, ban evading, manipulating people, and buying art when I shouldnt have. All of it has come back to bite me in the ass. Combined with the stress from real life I couldn’t take things anymore and essentially ruined my life. As of now I dropped out of highschool because the stress was too much and couldn’t work anymore. Now I’m educationless and most likely won’t get a job. For those who are curious in one year and 29 days is when I will be 18. And if any of my friends whom dont know my age read this I want to say I’m sorry for lying. I strongly have issues and am really clingy to people I like so I end up lying to make friends. And i know many people are going to block me for this so in turn I will end up more stressed but its the most mature thing i could think to do. I would love it if nobody blocked me and we just talked like friends and save the vore stuff for when I’m 18, which I do with many of my friends already. As stated before the whole reason i joined ekas in the first place was to join a community i felt like i fit in with after getting depression from losing a friend i really cared about named anatoily

Many times in the past i used anatoily as an excuse for my actions but thats not what im doing. Anatoily if you see this i want to know im sorry for using your name as an excuse for my wrong actions. I originally joined Ekas for that purpose and used that as an excuse, on there i made many friends some of which i have even today. At one point i planned on leaving ekas but then I found somebody who reminded me of anatoily. I had an obsession with them and it led me to well ruin that friendship. Around this time i was exposed underage by Reffles on a minecraft server who had a incorectly dated birth date from a Enjin server about me claiming i was 14 when i was 15 which now i am 16 turning 17 and that link would display 15 turning 16. To explain this I want to say when I made this enjin account I mistyped the age and never bothered fixing it because I rarely used Enjin. I just used it to apply for minecraft admin positions.

I regret many of the things ive done and cant stress this enough that I’m sorry but in all honesty this is the true story of what happened with me and the vore community

In 2017 I joined ekas because my mind didn’t care about the consequences I was upset about anatoily, which isnt an excuse for my actions. I lied about my age and all was fine i was getting away with it. I met the person who reminded me of anatoily in February of 2018 whom helped me grow as an artist. I started working as a artist practicing for when I’m 18. When reffles found me out i was upset and was banned from ekas and the discord Work to Feed. I was upset for many reasons, one even being that i just got the first person ever to commission me and even today was never able to do the art or send it to them making me feel like a thief

So a lot of ban evading and ruined friendships later some problems happened with me and a friend named Aljenserp who like me was a minor. I was watching one of Silent_E’s streams and got banned because Tyrion13 recognized me. I betrayed Aljenserp like an asshole saying he was underage (i dont think he is underage anymore but he was at the time this happened) because he was a staff nobody believed me and i was banned from the stream and lost all trust aljenserp had in me. He became my enemy. Now after this a lot of people started hating me more and more, there was some drama on 8chan about me which i posted on being some idiot as i was younger and didnt know what i was doing.

This caused many people to not even feel any pity for me thinking i was stupid and deserved what i got. This was shortly before the problem happened with paypal. After that i was hated immensely more and many people startee saying some stupid rumors about me

One really dumb one was from the ekas user ExplosiveWaifu who has a Dragon OC named Lydia. Goes by DragonWaifu on discord. In one instance i was talking to Lydia about how one of my friends was a Maoist communist and his beliefs and how i support him because he is my friend. She believed because he had communist beliefs and i supported him that i was a terrorist and ceased all Communication with me for this. Another false rumor about me was spreaded by a friend of Explosivewaifu who i cant name as they are always changing their name. she is a trans woman, me and her used to talk a lot and whenever she got drunk she would well... be really irl lewd with me so i started calling her a pedophille (which is where the blackmail stuff ties in partially though i didnt blackmail her it was somebody else)

Many times this friend while sober would claim that i act to mature and that I couldnt be a minor, thus a rumor spread around that inwas a adult pretending to be a minor to get kicked out of the community for purposfully causing drama to make people think im a believable minor so i could easily prey on minors like a pedophille... honestly this is a really dumb rumor and dunno why it was believed by anybody at all

Next I want to talk about the ID theft accusations. Mettra Tonic gave me a health band from the hospital which in July of 2018 i tried to use as a ID to get me unbanned and it failed, this led to trust issues with Mettra who also spread false information about me which is mostly well known for the accusations of blackmail against her friends who were minors. There was another ID issue with a man named worthylightning and Kobayashi whom I tried to. Let them both help me get unbanned because friendship. It didnt work and i felt bad.

Lastly the only true case of ID theft is the one with reffles. Reffles gave somebody her ID who gave me the ID and I cropped out the age part of her ID and tried to use it. I since regret this action but i wouldnt concider the age part alone to be ID theft.

There was also accusations that I steal artwork which i dont own which is false. All artwork of Pumpkira is owned by me, either drawn by me, won in a raffle, requested, or given to me as a gift.

Moving on later in the year CloudRunnerTeeny doxxed me and made a group on discord called the Sumlur eradication squad where he blackmailed me and threatened to leak my info (which he did on christmas onto 8chan before it was taken down for breaking ToS) me and my friend tried to mislead him do he wouldnt Dox me and dox a fake person but this failed, made things worse infact. After that me and teeny came to a truce to leave eachother alone if i stay away from him and his friends. A promise I Semi-kept to today.

I already explained the whole issue with the art charged back, false rumors, and blackmail.

But I want to say this. Please stop sending information that is outdated or just speculation about me. Hear both sides of the story.

And yes when I turn 18 in 2021 I know I’ll still be hated and I have come to terms and accept that is my punishment for my mistakes. But please stop sending drama my way as I am very tempted to just delete all my social media at this point. Its gotten really stressful and I just cant...

Also Chammy again you aren’t a bad person i dont blame you for my hate as Its deserved. Although some of your claims were wrong or from your point of view, others were true and It is good you made a statement about me. But please tell people not to harass me and just block me. I’m going to make this post Private for a while before making it public. I want you to read this before it goes public on my Tumblr.

Lastly I heard you were feeling sick and hope you get better.

From artist to artist I have been improving my art and stories which like you one thing i hope for when im 18 is to be a successful artist or writer. Im already planning a large scale SFW webcomic as many people know. Though I feel like it is going to have a negative impact because Pumpkira is the protagonist and i gaurentee at least one person from the vore community would expost past me to everyone who reads future me’s work

Anyways thats all.

Update 2020: now 17

Update: 2021 now 18 as of January 30th 2021

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surveys-at-your-service · 5 years

Text

Survey #217

“roses are red, and my heart is black. we creep about the floor to indulge like rats.”

Do you know anyone who works in a laboratory? No. What was the very first social media site you signed up for? MySpace. Can you see yourself marrying your current partner? (if you have a partner) Easily. If you were in a coma, who would be making healthcare decisions for you? My mom. Are you the type of person who knows exactly what they want in life? Not entirely, but mostly. Do you have commitment issues? Not at all. What was the last thing you had an allergic reaction to? Silver. Have you gone out to dinner in the past week? No. What’s something you’ve done that sounds too crazy to be true? The only thing I think someone would actually find "crazy" would be I've been in a psychiatric hospital five or six times (I seriously can't remember). Are there any flowers planted outside your house? No. Well, not by us. There's a camellia tree by our back door that we didn't plant. What’s the weirdest decoration you’ve seen in someone else’s home? I'unno. I generally don't find decorations strange. Spice up your house with what you like. Did you have your own bathroom when you were growing up? No. Do you know anyone who never disciplines their children? I know of people. What’s the longest you’ve gone without leaving the house? Weeks. Are you more of a practical thinker, or more of an imaginative thinker? I think I can be on either end depending on the situation. Does anyone in your family smoke? My dad does. How well do you know your neighbors? I've never interacted with the ones to the right of us, but Mom knows the woman to the left, and she's apparently very nice. Mom was talking about her just the other day about how she always brings our trash can back to the fence, actually. How far are you into the book you’re currently reading? N/A Have you ever had a pet escape and run away? I don't believe so, at least not permanently. Do any of your exes know each other? Jason and Juan did. Girt and Jason know each other because of me; we all hung out a few times. It's both funny and sad now to know how friendzoned Girt was... ha ha. Sorry man. What’s an opinion you find impossible to take seriously? "Dinosaurs didn't exist." What the fuck are fossils then, bitch. What was the very first election you voted in? I haven't voted in any yet. Do you know how to make omelettes? No. I could probably figure it out, but I don't know for sure. What is your favorite summer month? Fuck summer. What do you want to be for Halloween this year? One of the witches from Hocus Pocus would be super cool, but yeah, I don't have the money to even try to make a costume. Do you have a desk in your room? If so, do you use it as a desk that you sit and work at? No. Do you wear band tees? if yes, which one is your favorite? Yes. I love my Metallica one. It's got a really cool design. Would you ever want to live in a home with all-white walls and furniture? "Not white furniture, no. That seems like it’d be a pain to keep clean." <<< Definitely. Do you have pajama days often? I'm literally always in pjs unless I have to leave the house and get out of the car. There's no point in changing otherwise; I'd just be creating more laundry. What is one thing you’re behind on? Instead of the usual "life in general" answer, I'll make it more interesting. RP. Jesus fucking holy Christ, I am over a year behind in SO MUCH because I just haven't had motivation, all the while plots have grown like mad. Thank god my partners are really damn patient, lol. And/or have other business, too. Do you ever re-arrange your room? No. I HATE moving/changing shit. Do you share a room with anyone? No. Who was your first roommate? Jason, Jacob, and Amanda. What season do you want to get married in? AUTUMN!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Frosting: chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate. Ice cream: chocolate or vanilla? Vanilla. Milkshake: chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate, more often. Do you drink protein shakes? EW that shit mad gross. What was the last type of candy you ate? Uhhhh what was it. I don't have candy a lot now, so uh... I think Airheads? What was the last craft project you completed? It was VERY weakly a "craft," but Sara's first Valentine's Day present. Which is better: starting things or finishing them? Finishing. I start things all the damn time and never finish them. What is the highest name-brand thing you own? Good question. What color GameBoy did you have as a kid? Red. What was your favorite GameBoy game? Hm. I liked a lot. We had a whole case of different ones. I suppose maybe the Spyro one I could never get far into. But I liked it anyway because yeah. Spyro. What was your favorite Backstreet Boys song? "The Call" probably tops the list, but also you're full of shit if you thought "Larger Than Life" wasn't a fuckin BANGER. Damn, "The Shape of My Heart" was great, too. BSB were/are just great, man. Did you ever wonder what it felt like to get slimed? Ha ha you mean like on Nickelodeon? Yup. Did you ever name a pet after an imaginary friend? I never had one. Do you believe in angels and demons? I don't know. I believe in spirits, but I don't know about actual angels and demons. Do you have a PayPal account? No. What race do you consider yourself? ... You can "consider" yourself a race? You don't get to pick that. Whatever, I'm Caucasian. Should unwanted animals in shelters be killed to make room? Fuck that shit. Should cows be killed for human food? See, this is why I want to return to vegetarianism. TECHNICALLY, no. It's murder upon a conscious, feeling, living being. But at the same time, humans are designed as omnivores, and surviving off of a plant-based diet is, sadly, extremely difficult. It's difficult to obtain the proper nutrients and their advised amounts to be healthy. Therefore, I can't confidently answer this question. I wish they didn't have to be, but human civilization would have an incredibly more difficult time continuing with all meat products removed for consumption. Does the technique used to kill an animal matter to you? I mean if I KNEW, yes, but at least from the research I've done, there's no real "humane" method used to kill livestock. Most live in awful conditions/are already unhealthy, too, and that should matter . Should farmers be allowed to cause suffering in animals to save money? Fuck off. Should production of medicines be justification to cause animals to suffer? No. We neeeeeeed to find other ways. Use pedophiles or some shit. Should violence against animals; such as rodeos/ bullfights be legal? Fuck to the hell no. I get some kind of dark pleasure out of hearing about shitheads being gored and stuff for it, honestly. Should homosexuals be allowed to work with children? This shit pisses me the fuck off. Of course they should be. Like I'm sorry, but your children aren't going to be hidden from them forever. Do you believe homosexuality is caused by genetics? Well yeah. You don't get to choose your sexuality; something has to be responsible. Are Americans are truly free, or suffering from controlled freedom? CONTROLLED FREEDOM JFC TRY TO DENY IT. Are there other countries that offer more personal freedoms? Not that I KNOW of. Like yeah, my above answer clearly states I think America could be better, but I don't know I place where it's actually better. Do you trust your government? Fuck no. They hide a lot of shit. Should religious beliefs outweigh science in the making of laws? Lolololololol no, hunny. Separation of church and state. What is one moment that you missed out on that you wished you didn’t? Hm. OH, that solar eclipse that happened I think last year? We saw nothing here. :< Do you or have you ever had braces? For a long time. Got them on, then didn't have the money to take them off for a while. Can you text? Yeah, but not quickly. I am - usually - very thankful for autocorrect. Have you ever had a nervous breakdown? OH BOY HAVE I!!!!!!!!!!!! What are you scared to death of? My mom dying, for one. I DO NOT know what would happen to me. Are you good at art? I'm told so at least; I'm aware I'm at least decent. It also depends on the art form. Are you afraid of needles? Nah. What TV show is the stupidest to you? I honestly had a really big problem (and have, if it's still even on) with the Teen Mom series. Yes, I do in fact believe it made looking like one cooler and more normal than it is. Do you hate being ignored? Yes; I start to think I'm not cared about, badly. Especially if it's family or "friends." Like no, I don't at all expect attention constantly, or even a lot of it, but I think it's only natural people who claim they love you should not pretend they don't know you, particularly when you actually reach out. THEN it hurts. Where do you currently live? North Carolina, please get me out. Do you like marijuana? I wouldn't know. Do you donate to charity? I can't. I seriously don't have money. Where is your favorite place to go out to eat? Olive Garden. What is your favorite TV station? Discovery. Do you think you’re clever? No. Did you wear socks today? No. I avoid wearing socks as much as I can. Know any magic tricks? I don't remember the ones I learned as a kid. Do you sleep well most nights? No. When’s the last time you baked a cake? Never. What’s your preferred frozen snack? Ice cream, yum. Do you work better in a clean or messy environment? CLEAN. It inspires me to do well and with an organized strategy. Do you know any vegans? I don't believe so. Earphones or headphones? I personally prefer earphones since they go into the ear and are just more comfortable than a weight on your head that can move easier. Do you like bananas? Yeah, but the timespan in which I enjoy them is short. They have to be "perfect." What’s a film you’ve seen that confused you? I know there are some, but none are coming to me curr- WAIT NO okay so I saw Warcraft when it came out into theaters, and I barely understood a single thing because the orcs' voices were way too deep. I need to rewatch it with subtitles. Do you ever wear black lipstick? I pretty much always do if I wear lipstick. What would you change about yourself appearance-wise? HEY can I Please fix my fucking weight??? Because I do like everything I can do already & nothing works??? :') How long do you normally spend in the shower? Just short of ten minutes, I think. If you were to get a tattoo, what would it say or what would the graphic be? *opens novel of ideas* Don't make me pick just one. When trick-or-treating as a kid, was there any kind of candy that you didn’t like to get? Tootsie rolls, ew. What is your favorite memory of Christmases past? The time my mom, sisters, and I went to a Christmas light show one night, and we got back to the car only to realize Mom left the keys in there. Sooo while we waited for my drunk dad and brother to come help us, we all chilled on the car's hood with chocolate covered peanuts and THE best hot chocolate. That place is no longer around, and I'll forever be mad tilted about it. What is the most outrageous thing you’ve done for God? Lmfao remember the days I denied evolution and gay rights? Them were the wild times. When you were in grade school, what did you want to be when you grew up? Why? First, paleontologist because I adored (and still adore) dinosaurs, then a vet as I wanted to help animals. In high school, it changed from movie director to game designer. Name the most famous person you’ve had a face to face encounter with. No one. If you could spend 15 minutes with any living person, who would it be and why? Um like have y'all ever heard of this guy named Mark Edward Fischbach because I have time to enlighten you of all the reasons- What article of clothing most closely describes your personality? Pj pants, lmao. Who was your hero when you were a child, and what did you do to be like them? Steve Irwin. I adore animals in general, push very firmly for conservation, and madly support proper education of wildlife, especially your local kinds. How did you learn to ride a bicycle? I had a bike with training wheels at first, then my dad took them off and would jog alongside me, holding the bars and then releasing them after a few moments for me to go on my own. Repeated 'til I got it! Based on something you’ve already done, how might you make it into the Guinness Book of World Records? This is going to be VERY embarrassing to share, but fuck it. I have so little reason to leave my bed that my legs have actually experienced muscle atrophy. My knees especially are extremely prone to awful pain when standing or walking. I don't really have a way to exercise in this tiny house, my road is too sketchy to walk along, and at least this time of year, I physically can't handle the heat if I was to walk in the back yard. I'm dying to go somewhere where I can swim to fix this shit. I could ramble on forever about how painful it is to be on my feet. I'd be happy enough with even just a treadmill. When was the last time you did something for the first time? What was it? Hm. I guess foreplay with a girl. I don't exactly experience new things much. What is your concept of a fruitful day? Actually doing productive shit. If you could rid the world of one thing, what would it be? Violence. What is your best personal characteristic? I am like, incredibly passionate. If I believe in something, you'll know. If I love something, it's to an insane degree. If you had to enter a competition for the “Most Uselessly Unique Talent,” what would your talent be? Being able to hide my thumb under my palm to where it looks like it's entirely non-existent lmao. What is your worst personality characteristic? I am VERY sensitive. I also have a hard time taking criticism without beating my ass up because I feel like I did something "bad." I don't get defensive, I just get hurt. Man, I could go on. There's a lot I don't like about myself. If you had to be a teacher of something, what would you teach? I'd be most interested in teaching science. How would you like to be remembered? I loved ferociously and spoke strong of peace. What is one thing that you constantly think about (other than material things)? The future. Does your country have free healthcare? *points at top five list of things America needs to fucking fix* Does your job allow visible tattoos? N/A How is your road rage? I drive so timidly and rarely that I don't think I really even have a clue. Who are your closest friends and how did you meet them? I'll exclude Sara as she's more than "a close friend." I don't have many close friends otherwise tho, so really... I think only Girt applies. We met in high school band. Well, then there's Alex, but considering she now acts like I don't exist as well, I don't know how close we really are. But anyway, we met in WoW because we were both camping the time-lost protodrake and talking w/ others in the general chat... but she and I really clicked. That was an awesome day. Started some damn adventures with her lmao. Are you still cool with any of your exes? The only two who may still have a problem with me are Jason and Tyler, but I have no bad feelings towards them. What Hogwarts House are you in? I took quizzes once for a survey because I was curious, but I couldn't answer most of the ones I found bc they had HP references I didn't get. But anyway, I think Hufflepuff and Gryffindor were pretty much tied. What’s the next special event in your life? Returning to school. :') Whose birthday is coming up soon? My nephew's. :''''') Do you delete people from Facebook if their views are vastly different than yours? It depends on the views and their severity. Usually I can handle averse opinions if you're actually a friendly person and composed and mature about what you believe and how you express that. What’s your favorite thing to put on bagels? Cream cheese. What’s the most important key on your key ring? I only have one, and that's to my house. What was the last argument you got in about and who was it with? AHAHAHAAHAHA okay so. There was a video on FB of a pet meerkat having its belly rubbed, and it was chirping happily. It was very cute, but especially because this video was on a big page, I commented how awful and unhealthy of an idea it is to have a pet meerkat for both it and yourself. It's illegal in a lot of places for good reason. I got a lot of agreement, but of course there was one imbecile who disagreed enough to tell me to shut the fuck up. Now I am normally very, very terrified of confrontation or even the HINT of it, but for once in my life I couldn't have been more unfazed. At what age did you start picking out your own outfits? I don't know. I've come to find via surveys that I can't really remember events by ages. How spicy do you like your food? Pretty spicy. Spicier than most like, but I don't enjoy it when it's just pure pain. What was the last really intense pain you felt? You know that awwwfuuuulll pinch of pain you sometimes get in your ribs when your lungs expand to a certain, small amount? That. I couldn't take deep breaths for anything. What is the best thing that’s ever happened to you? Recovery from the breakup. What are three things you have been a victim of? Uhhhh. Idk, nothing major. What is your passion? Wildlife conservation, probably more than anything. When was the last time you truly felt alive? Ha, good question. How many siblings do you have? Technically six, but I don't know one at all. Are you married? No. Are you dating someone? Yeah. If not, do you wish you were dating someone? N/A Do you want an indoor or outdoor wedding? I'm not sure. What states (or countries) have you lived in? Just one. Does your first crush know you liked them? No. Do you wish on stars? Nope. Are you happier now than you were 10 years ago? I don't know. I can't really remember exactly what I was like at 13. I think I'm maybe happier now? Are you happier now than you were 5 years ago? Yes. ^If not, why not? N/A ^If yes, why? My depression is under control. Do you live in your dream house? Definitely not. What was your first job? Sales clerk at GameStop. ^Did you like it? No, thanks to feral social anxiety. Have you been bullied? No, very thankfully. What do you wish people knew about you? I sincerely care about my loved ones, a lot, even though I have trouble being the one to reach out first. What health issues do you have? A lot. Don't even feel like putting them all together. Do you still cross paths with your first crush ever? No. What is your favorite Bible verse, and why? None. Do you have a secret nobody knows? Yes. It's nothing major, just little things I don't want to share. Who are some of the most selfish people you have ever met? I don't know. Is there anyone you want back in your life? Yes. What color was the house you grew up in? True shit, I somehow don't remember for sure. I think it was brick? What was the name of the first pet that you loved? Charcoal, a cat, was the first pet I had a serious, deep bond with. Do you receive more insults or compliments? Compliments, I guess. Do you meditate? No. Do you pray? No. Have you ever seen a spirit/ghost/shadowy figure, etc.? I've sure as hell seen something. What would you ask a genie for, if you had three wishes? World peace, end of disease, and the end of poverty. When someone messages you and you know it’s going to be rude, do you ignore it and not read it, or do you read it and reply? Honestly, most of the time, I ignore it. I am so, SO sensitive, so my feelings are super easily hurt by what others have to say. Do you find online drama stressful? Yes. Even more than irl drama because you have to wait painstakingly for them to reply, and you can't hear their tone of voice. How stressful is your life? I'm pretty damn stressed for someone who's trapped inside their house lmao. Was any of your home decor inspired by Pinterest? No. Do you do yoga? No. What is something you have tried and hated? Oral is NOT my jazz. Do you have regrets? Yeah. Are you mad at someone? No. What is this month’s calendar picture? I don't have a calendar. What is your last ex-boyfriend’s or ex-girlfriend’s name? Technically Donald. Do you have an ex-friend that you miss? Yep. What color do you want your wedding dress to be? Most likely black. Would you rather go out for pancakes or steak? Pancakes. I like them more in general, and I'm also suuuper picky with steak. What’s your favorite Ramen noodle flavor? The only kind I've ever liked is the Yakisoba brand of spicy chicken. How do you feel when you read the Bible, if you read it? Encouraged? Angry? I don’t read it. Have you ever suffered from anxiety? I had some anxieties as a little kid, and I was officially diagnosed with it in the 6th grade. Have you ever suffered from depression? Since the 7th grade. What is something a lot of people like but you don’t? Pie is what came to mind first. What’s an uplifting song you like to listen to? "High Hopes" by P!ATD. Think about the person you fell hardest for. Why do you think your feelings for this person were so strong? How is he/she different compared to everyone else you’ve had feelings for? Well, he was my first real love. They're always special. I was fucking crazy for him, and it grew to an unhealthy degree. Trust me, you can love too much. He made me happy when so few could back then, and we had a connection unprecedented in my whole life. He himself felt like my home. I could write you a goddamn novel on why I felt so strongly. Have you ever caught your friend cheating on their boyfriend/girlfriend? If you have, what did you do about it? If you haven’t, what do you think you would do? No. Quite honestly, I'd tell them. I could NOT keep that a secret. Whether they believe me or not, I'm not withholding that from them. When your last relationship ended, how long was it before you felt ready to think about being with someone else? I know this technically sounds bad, but Sara and I started dating the day after I broke up with him. One of the reasons we split is because I realized I liked her. It was so quick because I never had to "move on;" I never came to be truly interested in him romantically. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to sleep last night? Do you remember what you talked about? Sara and I were texting, but I don't remember about what. When are you at your happiest? When I'm with Sara. How many people have you kissed? Three or four. I don't really remember if I ever kissed Girt. How many of those people are you still friends with? Two. Where did you go, the last time you left your house? Mom and I went to multiple places. She had errands to run. Do you like your singing voice? Rarely. I think it fits only a few songs. Are most silences awkward for you? UH-HUH UH-HUH. Name someone you wish you had never met. Why? Jabari. He was scary and almost assaulted someone in my family. Who has the nicest singing voice, that you know personally? Probably Sara. Say something nice about someone you really don’t care for: He loves his kids to death. Ever won school awards? Yes. Do you drink more soda than anything else? Not anymore, thankfully. Do you curse a lot? I curse possibly more than anyone you know. Have you ever been in a courtroom? Yes. Do you eat a lot around Thanksgiving? No. I actually don't like 99% of Thanksgiving food. Were you a chubby child? No. Are you afraid to sing in front of people? Yes. Do you enjoy your family? Yeah. When did you last dance with someone? I forced Sara to last June lmao. Do you feel awkward watching sex scenes? VERY. Did you ever have senior photos done? No. Are your parents protective of you? Mom is for sure. I don't see my father much, and he's changed a LOT since the divorce, so I can't really answer for him. I know he is to some degree, I just don't know how much. Have you ever been bullied? I've had some mean shit said to me, but I don't believe I've ever really been consistently "bullied." Do you ever help decorate during the holidays? No. I just don't have the motivation and don't really care enough to put things up that're only coming down in two months. Do you have carpeted floors? Only my room and my sis's old one. Can you count to ten in another language? German, yeah. Have you ever been arrested? No. Do you always lock your door at night? Yeah. Do you get allowance? No, never did. Do you have a Facebook? Yes. Do you enjoy the presence of children? In most cases, no.

#survey #quiz #questions #random #bored

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autorobotcollectorx · 5 years

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A Problem With The Furby Community

THIS IS A RANT DRAMA AHEAD

This is the only post i will be making on the drama

Hello everyone before i start i want to address a few things here.If you are mentally ill and unable to resolve conflicts in a respectful and understanding manner you have no place or right to be an admin of a group.I hope you get help and become a better person whatever anyone is going threw right now i know you can be well again.You can do it.But that does not give anyone an excuse to be toxic and rude towards others.

I have been accused of being a scammer and its been effecting me so negatively lately especially with sales when people slander my name like this.I have memory issues and i had forgotten i had to pay people i even made a post about it today.How i felt bad that i had lost track of people i owed money too ect.I have paid one person already and i am making sure to get everything to everyone who has either bought a furby from me or i have commissioned.A scammer would not take the time to make sure everyone is happy and paid off mind you.

I had actually commissioned Root(maker of the podge furbys) a year ago and i have been more then patient with them.They disappeared without notice in the middle of the commission as well which was very unprofessional.Yesterday they suddenly canceled and called me a scammer asking me to not contact them anymore.Instead of talking this out they chose to bring up past grudges on me and not even care to listen to anything i had to say on the matter..Over this post/vent i had made.

“Hey i wanted to talk about this because its really bothering me.I suffer from schizophrenia and most of the time i forget allot of things even days at times and it effects my sales such as furby sales.I don’t have a job so i have been selling my items so i can afford to feed myself and get my medication and i have found looking threw my messages that i still need to ship items out.I sent those people messages and i can get them shipped this week if i have a ride(i cannot drive).But i am falling into a depression because its just never enough i dont make much and idk what to do.Once i pay people off and get items sent off i will have only $10.I am anxious as well because i need to find someone to drive me out tomorrow to ship items but i dont have many friends.The last thing i want to do is upset people because the furby community have helped me allot its become the biggest thing helping me cope with my medical and physical issues i have been having.If i didn’t have this community i would be at risk physically and i just want to make friends and get these furbs to their new homes.I’m forgetting days at a time and i don’t know i feel like a burden right now“

They responded with this in an email.

““Hello, I am terminating these commission talks for several reasons, but most particularly your recent post to tumblr (included below for your reference). I am not comfortable proceeding with these commission talks when you're in such a vulnerable space financially & otherwise, and I am not sure why you misrepresented your ability to commission my art to me, as I am also a disabled artist with limited personal resources. Between this, your inappropriate demand for my emotional labor at my personal social media, and your past history of scamming (for which I removed you from the Furby community discord server, and only today found out that you are that person), I am uncomfortable engaging with you further. I will not willingly sell to you, and I'm asking you to not contact me again. Sincerely, Root

With the first part they pretend to act like they care about my current financial struggles but then go on to talk about their disabilities like it over rides me essentially putting themselves on a high horse.After they talk about my “inappropriate demand for my emotional labor at my personal social media”Because i sent them something along the lines of “Hey can i get some advice on something”In which they responded with a paragraph of how they are physically ill/mentally ill and cannot handle others baggage.I found that be be highly unnecessary and inappropriate myself due to how simple of a question i asked of them.They clearly were trying to guilt me for asking a simple question due to their emotional vulnerability at that moment in time.They could have just said “no thank you i am sure someone closer to you can help” I just thought i could use an opinion so that is why i asked for their help.Lastly i have NO past history of scamming i had a bad time with someone over $15 and they forced paypal to refund them the $15 they were owed from me.That is why i got banned from robotchat and all the furby discords and yes this is very unfair to me.Root acknowledges that they still have a grudge on me and i find it to be a very unhealthy mindset to have especially since i have never done anything to them personally.Also i did have the money to pay them for my commission in full even though it was going to leave me with $10 i wanted to support them as an artist regardless of the mistreatment they handed me in the past.

They did get me blocked from the furby discord over slander against me before BY THIS ONE ADMIN and i had forgiven them.I just wanted to support them as an artist but they did not even attempt to try and talk things threw with me and understand my views they really should not have the right to be an admin with this bias.Also it is NEVER OKAY to use your mental or physical illness as an excuse to be toxic like this.

Sometimes i just feel like no one likes me and i get depressed and distressed sofdshrinere just has a personal and very unhealthy hatred for me.I am a pacifist and i try to forgive but i feel like the only one trying most of the time.This community is suppose to be innocent welcoming of everyone and kind but its really turned on me.

It is unfair that i cannot be apart of any discord because they are ALWAYS one of the admins and they have this bias towards me.

Thank you for all the support and i really do hope the best for them i hope they get help for they mental and physical issues.I have gotten help for mines and i am not medicated and in a healthier mindset.Please send good vibes their way for me and PLEASE do not harass them over this i just wanted to make this public and hopefully resolve these issues.

#allfurby #furby #drama

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vaspider · 6 years

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New & Updated Intro Post

My intro post is now incredibly outdated, so, here’s an entirely new one. Let’s start with a few important updates:

If you like what I do? Consider hiring me, consider buying something from NerdyKeppie (the shop I own with my spouse - we do custom work!), consider buying me a coffee or becoming a Patron or tossing some money in my PayPal tip jar.

I am a disabled, queer, fat, Jewish non-binary butch whose entire income is derived from selling Quality Queerwear via our company NerdyKeppie (we also offer patches of all sorts, nerd gear, etc -- if you don’t see it, ask!), Patreon (queer fiction for a dollar) and freelance work. Please consider supporting me if you like what I do!

Yes, I used to identify as femme and in 2018 I came out as butch and forgot to update my intro post for like a year. So, yes, at one point I identified as femme, largely due to social pressure and trying to be something I wasn’t. 2018 is the year I claimed my butch soul, and holy shit, I’ve never been happier. This is not an indication of me not understanding butch and femme - it’s an understanding that no matter how old you get, you are constantly on a journey to understand yourself better. Or, at least, you should be.

At one point I identified as pansexual as well as bisexual, and I like the header art with the pansexual flag in it which was made for me years ago, so even though I no longer identify as pansexual, I’m keeping it until I find something I like better. You’d think I wouldn’t have to explain all this but people love picking at these things.

No, I am not going to debate the history or meaning of butch and femme with you or anyone. The links are in my header.

If you’re here to hateread, do yourself a favor and don’t. That’s just not healthy. And for the love of G-d, stop linking to my posts. I can see your posts, y’all; I have a site tracker. It’s just awkward and kind of sad.

Okay, so anyway.

Radfems, TWERFs, SWERFs and REGs/Exclusionists are explicitly not welcome here, and I do not want my family stories or life used for your politics. I block all of these categories, full stop. Radfems & TWERFs/TERFs deny the essential humanity of myself and my daughter and Exclusionists are just sort of painfully clueless about community history and what the community actually looks like offline. if you self-ID as one of those, please save us all the trouble and just don’t. If you’ve reblogged one of my posts and added something about how this proves one of your points, please pretend you respect other people and take it down.

If you are here because you don’t understand the post about the dog that attacked me, or its point, either legitimately or because you don’t really want to get it & want to argue with me about it, tell me I need to get counseling for my fear of dogs, tell me I’ve compared men to dogs, please go read seananmcguire explaining the post to someone who already sent me an ask about it. That pretty much covers why the post exists. Also you should buy and read Seanan’s books.

Also, also, all of the stories about @seananmcguire you’ve heard are probably true if they’re bizarre or funny. Especially the one about the lizard and the one about the frog.

If you’re here to tell me my views on asexuality & the queer community are wrong or that stuff I lived through & you weren’t born yet for is ‘ahistorical,’ go away. This blog is explicitly anti-gatekeeping for the Not-Straight Club.

If you’re here about the post about my great-grandmother, I kind of don’t have it in my heart to answer all the sad family stories. If you shared a family story on that post, thank you. If you want to use it to make some sort of gross radfem point about marital rape or some comment about how my great-granddad should have learned to pull out, I’m gonna block you without answering you. Don’t be gross.

If you’re here about the tiny house post, please read the notes, I’m not gonna explain it again.

Anon is never turned on, but if you ask me not to publish an ask, I won’t. Please remember to put that in the ask.

So here’s some stuff you should know about me:

I’m older than large portions of Tumblr, and in a fair number of cases I’m probably twice your age or more. If that’s a problem, I really am not offended if you aren’t cool with interacting with me. Age can be a powerful unbalancer in social relationships. I AM going to get annoyed if you start ‘explaining’ stuff I lived through to me and insisting you know my history better than I do.

Since it bears repeating one more time: I’m not interested in interacting with TWERFs, SWERFs, or ace-exclusionary queers. I’ve been Out for nearly 30 years & I really have no desire to argue my lived experience with anyone. I explicitly reject the term SGA.

My immediate family consists of my spouse @dadhoc, our beloved @apocalycious, my teenage daughter @mistresskabooms and stepson, my adopted son Owl, and DadHoc, MK and I’s 3 dogs: Lyudmila Pupperchenko (Mila), Captain Malcolm Reynolds (Cap), and Ser Davos Seawoof (Davos).

My brother’s band is Downtrodder and you should listen to them, because they’re awesome.

No one in my immediate family is cis or het. I have been called Spider for 20+ years, & now a lot of people call me Mama Spider.

In this house we understand that Ally is a verb, and it’s possible to be antagonistic toward a marginalization that you possess. Internalized transphobia, ableism, etc. are hellacious things to uproot. In this house we try to stay in our lanes & we understand call-outs while being aware of the toxic parts of call-out culture. Be cool to teenagers: you were one, and yes, the shit you said was just as stupid. You don’t win points for browbeating a teenager over an idea, you just look like a jerk.

I used to have a lot of paragraphs here about specific beliefs of mine, but really: Ally is a verb, intersections matter, capitalism is broken and cannot be fixed. I understand the difference between a bolt of linen and four shirts and believe that labor is entitled to all it creates. My class is ‘petit bourgeois,’ as I have seized the means of my own production.

If you screw up and you say something that hurts someone, say you’re sorry, and try not to do it again. It’s not that hard! Don’t tell them they shouldn’t be hurt. This goes double if it was an accident. “I didn’t know that was offensive, I’m sorry for hurting you. I’ll be more mindful in the future.” See how easy that is? That’s how we do in this house.

I’m bisexual, non-binary, disabled, neurodiverse, and don’t want pity or to hear how sorry you are for either of those last two things. Being autistic is just fine, and it didn’t happen because I was vaccinated. I have PTSD and GAD, and I live with both of them. They’re terrible roommates but I’ve got used to them. I’d like it if people would just stop throwing shade at the invisibly ill when we park in handicapped spots – I’m missing part of my spine, for fuck’s sake – and playing Oppression Olympics will get you stern looks and no dessert.

In this house we do nerd culture, there are no fake geek girls, and we understand that women invented masked superheroes (The Scarlet Pimpernel), science fiction (Mary Shelley), the modern novel (Jane Austen), dystopia fiction (Mary Shelley again), computer programming (Ada Lovelace and the ENIACs, which is my new band name), and got Star Trek on the air (Lucille Ball).

If I didn’t cover it, assume if it involves being a jerk or punching down, I’m not okay with it.

If it involves dogs being adorable, otters, mermaids, spiders, most of the major fandoms Tumblr loves (I can’t get into Supernatural, sorry, I tried), or people doing awesome shit, I am definitely here for that.

I am a Social Justice Paladin. I tank trolls. I used to think I was a Rogue, but, yeah, I tank trolls.

About six months ago, someone started calling me the ‘Non-Binary Regent of Summer,’ and I ran with that like an Olympic torch. Yep. It me.

@hypoallergeniccuddles thinks I’m secretly Mrs. Weasley.

That may be true also. If so, please remember what happens when you fuck with Molly’s children.

Welcome. Supper is at seven, the Wizard Home will make a room for you if you need it.

This post will be repeated a few times over the next few days so everyone sees it. <3 Thanks. I’m glad you’re all here.

#faq #byf

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enembydev · 5 years

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The Book of Failures: Death Game

Despite making over 20 games (there's too many to count, really), I have never released a postmortem. It's time for that to change. I hope you can learn from my experience, and avoid my mistakes. If you’re looking for hard data, it’s at the bottom.

Before we begin, there's one thing it's important you understand. I knew Death Game would not be a financial success. The odds of me, an unknown dev, with little renown, and no usable industry contacts, breaking even on even the smallest game is next to impossible.

But I had some ideas on how to mitigate these problems. First, I was going to become a scavenger, scrounging up sales anyway I could. The big thing, I knew, was game bundles. Without being a success, I was unlikely to get a response from a big reseller like Humble Bundle (Yes, I have emailed them multiple times, and never even received a response. I even know one of the founders, which did not help.). So I intended to target smaller sellers, like IndieGala.

But to resell keys, I needed to be on steam. Steam, at the time, had just begun Steam Direct. Larger developers could release at any time for no price, but for someone like me? I needed a license, costing $100 USD. $100 is a hard number to match in profit for me. Another difficulty to overcome.

Death Game was a game I made from the HON Game Jam (that’s its own story) in two days. I thought it was a good candidate to see if making a commercial game was something that was even possible for someone like me. But it needed a lot more work before I would be happy releasing it.

Death Game took two months for me to make, and released both as a free version and a paid version. But.. to my knowledge, no one ever downloaded the free version, including looking at my analytics. Such is life at the bottom. Death Game (free) received about 30 views over its lifetime. Including the gamejam version, it received 131 views and 51 downloads, meaning I had a conversion rate of 38.93%. This isn’t bad for a free game, but I’ve had other projects that fared much better.

Of that two month development, one month was largely working on steamworks integration. I had never launched a game on steam before, so it took much longer than usual. The game launched on April 19th, 2018. I determined this launch date by obsessing over the “upcoming releases” on Steam, and picking the day which had the least releases, and that had no AAA titles coming out. I can’t compete with AAA, even pretend, so I didn’t try to. This day was inconvenient for me. I ended up staying up all night to click the release button on time, and pretty much immediately took a nap once it was done.

I actually ran a twitter ad for the game, and had pretty decent results from it! I also passively promoted the game by posting it in several discords I was part of, automating twitter posts at peak (and off-peak) times, and posting on other sites I knew had high engagement from prior experiences. The results were overwhelming for me. When I awoke, most of my friends were still talking about the game. Some of them were currently in the process of making levels to share!

...Unfortunately, that experience didn’t last. To this day, I am the only one who has released a custom level for my game. It’s an easy experience, you just need to upload a 5kb or so file that you can create in the game. I got the distinct impression many of my friends didn’t enjoy the game. And that’s okay.

I had given steam keys of the game to some close friends, and they played it and agreed to review it on steam. Of the 10 I sent it to, 3 people reviewed it. One friend, a fellow developer reviewed it on day one, hour one. Another, a friend/fan I’ve known for a long time, warned me that if he were to review it, he’d review it negatively. This was upsetting.. But I told him that I’d rather he review it honestly than to censor his thoughts. He wrote his review on day one as well. The last reviewer, and close friend I’ve known for over 6 years.. reviewed it... 9 months later.

Unfortunately, steam had updated the storefront to essentially ignore reviews from steam keys, essentially meaning I had no reviews. Additionally, the negative review I received was displayed prominently, and was weighed higher than the others, causing my game to have a near permanent negative review percentage. This bombed my analytics, and to this day I have brought more traffic to my steam page than steam has. More on that later.

(Something cute to break up the bad news.)

I had done my research, and knew it was time to check my email next. Anytime you release a game on steam, you will receive a large amount of emails, about any number of things. Business offers, promotions, key scammers, or fans. Obviously, I mostly got business offers and key scammers. Of the business offers, one was promising, and fit my needs. about 80% of the emails I received were people impersonating inactive streamers and trying to get steam keys for the game. I sent steam keys to some of the more reasonable ones, and ignored the rest.

The business offer was from a game bundle company, called GoGoBundle. They did bundles of cheap, disposable games for pennies on the dollar. As an example, you could get 23 games for about € 1.23 for all of them combined. This company did not seem the most... reputable, but I did my research and determined that they’d work.

In total, I did two bundles with them, and the amount I’d get back decreased each time. for the first, I received $113.59 through paypal. The second, $50.87. They contacted me about doing a third bundle, and then stopped returning my emails. This was particularly annoying as we had signed a contract requiring them to return any unused steam keys to me, which they never did. On Steam, I made $90 USD, but with taking Steam’s cut out, it was more like $70 USD. Since Steam requires at least $100 to send out a payment, I still have not received any money from steam.

In total, I made $234.46 USD from death game. This is barely over my costs to put it on steam, and values two months of work, and an additional two weeks later for updates, at $134.46 . If I was actually intending to pay my bills with this game, I would be homeless and starving. Thankfully, I made the obvious decision not to quit my day job. (Well, quit permanently, at least.). If we count my bills, I spend $600 total over the two months to make the game, plus the $100 to put it on steam. Effectively, Death Game cost me 465.54 to make. But hey, at least I can say I have a game on steam now.

Now, on to the data:

Over Death Game+’s lifetime, I had 900, 698 impressions, which basically means an icon for my game popped up in someone’s feed that many times. Of those impressions, I had a clickthrough rate of 6.87%, or just under 62,000 clicks. Of those 62,000, 42,000 came from external websites, meaning not steam. To summarize a lot of data, I, a solo dev with no resources, brought in more traffic to my page than Steam, a multibillion company did. And I paid them $100 to do it.

If you’d like more data, here’s unfiltered screenshots of my analytics.

So, in short, here’s what I learned:

-Whatever reach I have, it isn’t enough.

-If I am going to be able to consistently make games, I would need to make one a month at this level of success to stay alive.

-Steam key reviews are effectively worthless, unless they’re negative.

-That bundle company you worked with? Yeah, they’re going to be defunct by the time you release your next game.

-Outside deals are more reliable than steam sales.

-It’s okay to use outside sources for you assets, like music. If you don’t, you’re just raising the money you need to break even.

#postmortem #gamedev #gamebusiness

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bigskydreaming · 6 years

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Just wanted to thank people again for their reblogs and donations, I will never be able to describe how I feel about the support - both tangible and emotional - that people on here have given me over the past three months in particular. Especially now that I have a definitive diagnosis and course of treatment to aim for, and an optimistic timeline of maybe even having the surgery within the next few months, at least before the summer....it really just depends there on whether my insurance approves that expense or how much of it, etc.

I still definitely could use continued help, though I’m trying my best to not rely on it as much as possible. Its just...yeah. We’ve kinda hit the point where its really just not possible period for me to make it where I need to get to without support. The slight downside to all the positive stuff I mentioned above is I’m a very goal oriented person. And this has been a very long and constant ordeal for me, where its been nothing but seven days of constant stress and pain a week, not able to rest or relax or take a day off working or searching for work for literally months and months. The only way I’ve managed to keep going is by fixating on some nebulous future point I had to reach and kinda use that to drag myself forward day by day. Its not nebulous anymore. I have answers, I have concrete needs and timelines and all that. But that also means now I have a very clear awareness that I can not make it the rest of the way with just the resources I already have myself.

It’s like...desperation energy, that’s fueled me to get this far and last this long, but there’s a difference between desperation and futility, and motivating myself with the thought ‘just hang in there long enough to get answers and solutions and FIX things’, like, it did what it needed to do, getting me in sight of all that, but it took pretty much everything I’ve got to use all that to tread water, to just stay afloat to get to this point. There’s just not enough there to stretch that out to continuing to stay afloat WHILE doing three times as much work on TOP of that. I know my capabilities and have a lot of self-respect for them, but I also know my limits and I can’t afford to waste everything it took to get to this point just so I can pretend I’m capable of more than I am. Because that’s the other downside of being in sight of the finish line, but still having it far enough away its not anywhere you’re gonna reach in just a few more steps.....like, lmao, I’m fucking tired. I want to rest. And I’ve gotten just enough good news after nothing but years of new rock bottoms that my brain and my body are trying to take that as a sign that its okay for me to just collapse now and take a breather. But I can’t really. Because I’m still not actually there yet.

So on that note, putting the link to my paypal up here nearer to the top for a change, for people who don’t actually need my long-windedness, lol.

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

And then on a related note, I just wanted to say again that I’m totally okay with and even eager for people to leave notes with their donation for any writing commission I can do in return. Again, this is totally MY issue, and not something I think should apply to all donation posts: expectations of a quid pro quo. People help out because they want to help out. As long as whatever information a donation post includes is sincere, however much or little that information is, I think that’s the only parameter that matters. People have different personal criteria for what motivates them to actually donate to a relative stranger on the internet. If someone donating to a person whose post is just a simple paragraph of need with no context for why or what their situation is, if that doesn’t make sense to you? It doesn’t have to. That’s not actually any kind of scam. Someone just wants to say, hey I need help and no, I don’t want to explain why? Sure, a lot of people might not feel inclined to donate but anyone who does, they’re not being scammed. Someone asked for x amount of help, someone else decided, hey I can provide this much help and I’m okay with doing that with no further context needed. The end.

Just wanted to clearly express my opinion there, before proceeding on: for ME, personally, I like a degree of quid pro quo for the help people give me, because that’s something that works for my situation. I don’t LIKE not being able to work as much as I want to, because thing is, I have been fortunate enough to make careers out of work that I actually enjoy. My income over the last ten years has almost completely stemmed from acting, writing and graphic design, all things I enjoy. LOL I rant endlessly about how much I hate capitalism, and its true....but I don’t hate doing things I love. Obviously for the past year I haven’t been able to do any acting jobs cuz of my health conditions, and my writing and graphic design work has been unreliable for the last several months for a variety of reasons.

The major way my health stuff (and related mental health stuff) has impacted me is not even with actual work, but finding new work. My headaches and chronic pain have lessened how many hours I’m able to be focused on work, but not so much that I can’t do what I need to get done when I have a clear objective and goal to focus on. It’s when that’s done and I have nothing else to work on and haven’t made the money I need yet. When I try to power through several hours a day of headaches/pain in search of new jobs as my lack of results amps up my stress and aggravates my health stuff even further....that’s what really makes days suck. And because of my mobility issues with vertigo and not being able to drive and all that, going out and getting a non-internet based job just flat out isn’t possible for me at the moment.

So I’m really starting to feel hopeful again that there actually IS an end point to all this and it might be soon even...and then I can get back to business as usual and build new client bases same as I did before, even get back to acting (omggggggg I miss it). But until that happens, as long as I still need to ask people for help and financial support, like, PLEASE do not feel like you’re imposing on me by suggesting something I can write in return, especially if you’re someone who’s been donating to me regularly. Or if you follow me in part because you enjoy my writing and my headcanons and fics and such. It’s not a chore, its something to do that I CAN do, that I LIKE doing, that I WANT to do. It actually helps make all of this more bearable, because like I said....writing and graphic design as my sources of income...they don’t feel like work. I ENJOY doing them. They actually get my mind off my issues, they give me a reason to get up in the morning, they make me feel productive, like I’m actually doing something with my life instead of just existing, and going through the motions day by day just to survive.

So if you make a donation and you can think of something you’d enjoy seeing from me, please don’t hesitate. All I ask is that you understand that I’m not in a place to make guarantees at the moment, but when and where I can devote my time and energy to a direction you’ve pointed me in with your donation, I’m happy to, and hopefully that might result in something sooner rather than later. And eventually, if all goes well, I will get to a point (quite honestly a better place than I’ve been physically AND mentally in years) where I CAN be better about staying true to my intentions.

For now, just a rundown of things I have been writing for people who did make requests (though most of them are friends whose names I recognized and I hunted down and badgered into telling me what they’d like so I could do this, lmao. There were definite GDI WHAT DOES IT TAKE FOR ME TO MAKE YOU TELL ME WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU convos being had, lolol I’m such a well adjusted person, honestly how do I stand it, science may never know).

Anyway, for anyone interested, the current slate of ‘commissions’ I’ve been working on, just so there’s no need to make a duplicate request:

Lightning Crashes Update - LOL a long awaited update to that beast. Its a 3 POV chapter, Kira, Liam and then Allison, and came out to around 10K. It’s done and just needs a final read through and polish, which I’ll do literally as soon as I manage to finish paying my insurance for the month and get caught up with what I owe my motel. Which means in the next couple of days for sure, if for no other reason then I like....have to make sure to pay those things by then one way or another lmao. But point being, for anyone still invested in that fic or interested in reading more, since its been so long and you’ll probably have to reread the existing chapters to refresh your memory, I think its pretty safe to go ahead and do that whenever, and the new chapter will happen somewhere in the next few days.

As to the rest of the fic after that - this is one of three fanfics that I’ve always sworn I really want to finish someday no matter what, and that remains true. The clusterfuck TW fandom became for me really hurt my ability to write that story the way I originally wanted to, mostly because I didn’t want my resentment of Stiles to affect how I wrote his necessary part of the plot, and by the time there was enough emotional distance between me and the show/fandom to write it again, like....all this happened, lol. So I do think once my health issues are resolved and I’m settled in an actual permanent place, I’ll FINALLY be able to resume it. There’s like, a couple hundred thousand words worth of unposted story already written there, lmao, its just I outline and then write nonlinearly, so most of all that just doesn’t work without me finally writing the bridge chapters that pull it all together.

Born Under a Bad Sign Update - Same thing pretty much, as this is one of the other Big Three fics I’ve always wanted to finish. Largely because its got a sequel that’s already written in full, lmao. The sequel is my YJ version of Under the Red Hood, but builds on the plotline I always had in mind for BUABS. The sequel was just easier for me to write first because it wasn’t as personal. BUABS doesn’t have as much pre-written as LC, but its not nearly as long either, and it has always been totally outlined and with a lot of dialogue for later chapters pre-written. Anyway, this is what I’d like to post after the LC update. It’s not finished, but its also not as long as the LC one. It’s a Roy chapter, and doesn’t have a time break but while writing it I’ve split it into two parts just for my own purposes. The first is Roy and Ollie confronting Catalina, the second is Roy and Ollie talking about their own shit in light of that. For this one, the first part is written, the second has the dialogue written but the rest needs fleshing out. It wont take that long to finish, its really just a day or at most two days of writing. When that’s done just depends on when I can next devote time to it.

Untitled X-Men One Shot - Someone asked if I’d write something about Scott and Bobby’s friendship and some kind of reunion between them after Scott’s return from the dead. I will of course be ignoring AoX completely, lmao. This one’s mostly done, its like 10K lmao (look those two had a LOT to talk about okay), but the last couple thousand words of that is all just dialogue I needed to get down before I had to focus on other stuff. So everything I need is all there, I just need to return to it to finish fleshing out the last quarter or so of it.

Untitled Dick and Jason One Shot - Someone else asked me to write something with just Dick and Jason interacting, set in the comic book universe. I’m going with a blend of pre-nu52 and a little bit of nu52 for the setting, pretty much ignoring Rebirth etc, because a) I think the Rebirth reboot mostly sucked and b) I really don’t know much about post Rebirth continuity cuz I’ve read so little of it cuz what I have read I think mostly sucks. This one is basically Dick and Jason finally airing out their shit and all the things I’ve long wanted them to say to each other and know about each other, so they can try and build an actual functioning relationship as brothers. Its got all the dialogue written, but not much else. The dialogue’s really the only framework I need to build a one-shot, so it won’t be hard to write around it, its again just more about when and where I get the time to do that. It will be Jason POV, as in canon its usually Dick reaching out (to whatever degree) and Jason not trusting his sincerity. So the angle I’m going with is this one shot’s about Jason realizing he doesn’t know his brother as well as he thought, and that if he’s always trying to get the family to accept he’s not the same person he was before, like....the same can be true for Dick. Neither of them are the people they were back then, so the reasons they weren’t close aren’t actually reasons they can’t be close now. And what Jason thinks are Dick’s issue with him might not actually be what Dick actually has a problem with.

Original Superhero Novella - This is likely the last of these things to be finished as its the longest and thus more on the backburner, like just writing 1 or 2K at a time on it. This one’s the request of a friend who knows enough about my original superhero universe (I call it the Ellis Eighteen universe) to know who she wanted to read about specifically. Which - not surprisingly, given that Batfamily is one of our shared fandoms - is my version of a Batfamily. Only not really, because lol I don’t like being derivative or writing analogs of existing characters aka I must be the specialest snowflake ever. So its more like I was like ugh I love the Batfamily but hate how rarely DC lets them like, GET ALONG, oh hey, I’m gonna shove all my resentment from that into making up my own dysfunctional blended family of superheroes who actually love each other even if they’re bad at saying so. Plus superpowers.

So their concept is there’s a C-List supervillain named Murphy, as in Murphy’s Law. He has low grade probability powers. Basically he makes it so anything that can go wrong will go wrong in a designated area. He doesn’t have any control over how that manifests, but he’s great for diversions, so he gets hired for a heist by some big name supervillains to just create mayhem while they do the actual work elsewhere. Except Murphy discovers the corporation they’re stealing from donates a lot to children’s charities and is heavily involved with ‘supporting’ the foster care system...as a means to seek out superpowered children who end up in the system, and exploit them for their powers. And while looking for the best place/way to make a diversion, Murphy stumbles across evidence of this, as well as four boys on site in advance of them being sent to a home specially intended to raise the boys to feel indebted to their benefactors and eager to do whatever they want them to.

Which doesn’t work for Murphy at all, because he’s not so much a bad guy as someone who ended up a criminal due to circumstances and desperation and from there just never found a reason to stop. This though, he’s not okay looking the other way, so he says screw this company and screw the guys who hired me, and he breaks out the boys and they go on the run, keeping anyone from getting their hands on them and moving from place to place while he tries to provide as much stability as he can, let them grow up and decide for themselves what they want to be.

Eventually though, the two oldest, Misfire and Crossfire (I call them the Fire brothers because even though they’re all biologically unrelated, they each have powers that lend themselves to picking the codenames Misfire, Crossfire, Ceasefire and Backfire). So anyway, after a couple years of this, Misfire and Crossfire end up sneaking out to be vigilantes. And Murphy catches them of course and is like wtf are you thinking, do you know how dangerous that is? What if you get hurt? What if they (asshole corporation) find you?

Only it turns out, they just wanted to be like their dad. Which Murphy doesn’t really know what to do with, cuz he never talks about his past with the boys. Because he’s ashamed of it, doesn’t want them to think of him as a villain. Which they don’t of course. He’s the one who rescued them, who gave up whatever his life was before to make it all about protecting them and always doing what was best for them. To the boys, Murphy’s always been their personal hero, so they kind of took it for granted....that’s what he was. Murphy was never a big name player, and they’ve always assumed that he was just some masked hero or vigilante who retired when he took them in so his old enemies wouldn’t come after them too.

So basically its a found/adopted family where the boys grow up to be heroes, thanks to the values and role model their father provided without ever having a clue how they really saw him, due to his own insecurities. And then it backdoors into Murphy eventually becoming a hero as well as its the only way he knows to keep making sure he’s there to look out for them, as well as like....he’s inspired by his kids, who in turn were inspired by him. He wants to be the man they see him as, live up to that image of him, not realizing that like, he always already was that man. That image of him is based on his actions, the way he raised them. So in reality, its not even that he’s inspired to heroism by the example his kids set, its more a gradual embrace of the role he’d always played for as long as they knew him, no matter how he personally had seen it (and himself).

And because I’m me, they end up making it the family business, with the older two boys and their dad working together to expose and topple companies engaged in exploitative practices, while the younger two ignore all orders to stay home and always stow away to make sure they’re part of the action. Like.....its the Batfamily with superpowers meets Leverage, if the Robins came first and Bruce only became Batman to be their partner and have their backs. And also he used to be a crook which is still way better than a billionaire. So, that’s that on that.

So that’s the slowest of the current slate, its at about 18K of a projected 30K, with this particular story being set after Murphy and the two oldest are already established as vigilantes. Murphy’s in his forties, Misfire’s 21, Crossfire’s 18, Ceasefire’s 16 and Backfire’s 14.

I’m open to writing pretty much anything I’ve ever talked about fandom wise, and that you know is something I’m familiar with. If for whatever reason a request is something I’m not open to writing or I’m not familiar enough with to write, I’ll just make a post about it and you can hop on anon and either clarify or ask for something else. And its okay to ask on anon ahead of time if I’d be open to something.

Anyway, on that note, I’m all done here, thanks again for everything!!!

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