#also the knife didnt make much sense to me

[sulkypantz]

tried my hand at a quick revamp of the recent tord plush. I've never designed a plush before so please forgive me.

also some accessories for the lil guy..

[avocado-writing]

I love your work and saw that your request for baldur's gate 3 was open and was wondering if you can do Astarion x abused? Reader

Basically the reader's father was a narcissist and they or she whichever you prefer. Even though they ran away years ago old habits die hard. They feel the need to take care of everyone else cause that's how they survived for so long and put on a front of being the strong leader they "need". Then maybe they have some sort of nightmare either being dragged back or something feeling the trapped feeling they felt for so long. Maybe Astarion hears them whimpering or something after a hunt and curiosity gets the best of him and ends up comforting them. 

notes: didnt want to get too into what abuse the reader had suffered, so I kept it reasonably vague. hurt/comfort

rating: M (due to themes)

pairing: astarion x reader

Astarion hears the sobbing from the moment he steps foot into camp.

He has exceptional hearing anyway and having just fed his senses are sharpened to a knife-point - he zeroes in on the sound with bat-like perception. Ears twitching as he goes, he tip-toe follows the noise to… 

…your tent.

That is a surprise. He’s not sure that he’s ever been present to you being anything other than… well, joyful. Constantly smiling. Constantly caring. Constantly laughing and reaching out a hand in friendship, the very epitome of what a good leader ought to be. Even in battle you don’t let awful odds get to you, always crying out reassurance from behind your shield as you fend off bloodied spears and vicious claws.

Maybe it is ego that makes Astarion go to your little refuge. He wants to see you shatter, just a bit. Just so he can reassure himself that you aren’t as infallible as you seem; that you are kith like the rest of them, able to err and break.

Or maybe it’s not because of any of that. It is because, despite it all, he has genuinely come to care for you.

Either way when he pulls open the fabric door his heart twinges uncomfortably in his chest.

You sit up in your bedroll, face buried in your hands, ugly tears boiling out from under your palms and soaking the sleeves of your sleep clothes. Your whole body heaves from both the raw emotion and the effort of trying to keep it under control. He’s never seen you so open. 

You look up when you hear the rustle of his arrival. He freezes as the two of you lock eyes. 

“Shit,” is all he can muster, and is it relief he feels when despite everything, you laugh?

“Sorry, did I wake you?” you ask, grabbing a handful of blanket and roughly drying your face with it. An attempt to hide the shame of crumbling.

“No, I was still up - out hunting,” he says, and you nod in acceptance. The two of you remain there for a moment, staring. Astarion is stuck on a threshold, both literally between outside and in, but also one of the soul. He wants to reach out. He wants to withdraw. He doesn’t know what he wants.

Eventually, your soft eyes win him over. He walks in and lets the tent fall closed, sitting down across from you on your bedroll. He feels your feet wiggle aside to make space for him and is struck by the intimacy of what he is doing.

This is unlike him. Stupid, stupid. Don’t reveal too much, don’t leave yourself open to vulnerability. He tries to affect a posture of ease, leaning back on his hands.

“Nightmare?” he asks. You nod again, sighing.

“Sorry, I must look dreadfully silly. I was just thinking about… someone I used to know.”

Astarion winces. Yes. He’s been there, hasn’t he - devoured by the panic of your past catching up with you. 

“You don’t look silly at all. A bit blotchy, perhaps, but not all of us can look beautiful when we cry.”

He flips his hair and that makes you laugh again. The atmosphere in the tent gets a little lighter. He watches the way your hands desperately look for something to occupy them, how they start picking at the loose stitches in any fabric you can find.

“This man. He used to, erm… hurt me. Quite badly, actually.” He hates the way your usually vibrant eyes have dulled. “And I managed to get away - ran away, really - but sometimes… you know. Something reminds me of him and I get dragged down again.”

Damn it all, Astarion finds himself reaching out and covering your hands with one of his. You stop your slow dismantling of your blanket thread-by-thread.

“I understand,” is what he’s able to force out of his suddenly tight throat. He’s mentioned Cazador before, trying to make a joke out of it, pretending it doesn’t bother him now that it’s all in the past - but it does bother him. Scares the life out of him, really, or this facsimile of a life he’s been able to build for himself now he’s free. 

Your fingers slide between his and hold him very tightly. 

The two of you sit in silence.

And then he decides to move properly, shuffling ungraciously so that he can be by your side rather than across from you, his arms wrapping around your body and bringing you close.

Your shoulders hitch a little. Fresh tears warm his shirt, patched dozens of times over because of a man who wouldn’t let him buy anything nice and new.

“I’m fucking tired of being strong. It feels like it’s too much sometimes,” you confess, voice barely louder than a whisper. He tucks his head over yours, your scalp beneath his chin, as if he can shield you from the world like this.

“Then don’t be strong. If it feels better, be weak, my dear. I’m the only one here and I promise you that won’t mind.”

You know that, for once, he won’t. Astarion ‘my favourite activity is to judge everyone I meet’  Ancunín is happy to let you lay your soul bare in front of him. So you do, you let yourself force every emotion you’ve ever bottled up leak out of you, in drips at first and then in a full tsunami. You cry so hard that you lose the ability to make sound for a while, silently choking on tears long since overdue.

He holds you all through it. He is not a strong man but his grip is tight, keeping you grounded, and he knows it helps because eventually you go from crying to sobbing to neutral to asleep. You breath evens out into something more controlled and when he moves to look at your face he is relieved your eyes have shut and that you can finally find a little peace. Gods know you deserve it.

You’re the strongest one of them all. He decides that perhaps he wouldn’t mind being there to help you shoulder things, if you need.

He lays down with you, limbs tangled, and drifts off.

taglist: @ghosti02art @sadandanxiouswtf @yeethaw13 @trappedinlimbo15 @infinitely-kate @dhampling @wereallbrokenangels @tilldeathdonugget@hopeful-n-sad

[xavviquz]

♥︎ you were a fool to think he were any different than the rumors spoken. - sukuna x fem!reader ♥︎ PT.2

➡︎ part 1 //

warnings // !!MDNI!! mentions of abuse, bruises, hitting, hair pulling, mentions of unprotected sex, degrading, objectifying, nicknames (slut, whore, useless, brat, ect.), one-sided love, yelling, spanking, tying up, masochist, bite marks, hickeys, short, dark fanfic wc: 340

notes // this is part 2! a couple of you requested it so i hope this reaches your expectations

synopsis: as much as sukuna hates you, he loves the pleasure you bring him.

once sukuna dragged that women down here by the hair, your world completely shattered at your feet. every single goddamn thing you thought that was justifying his actions were gone.

you came to your senses that he didnt really care about you. he just used you for pleasure, and pleasure only. and he made sure to scream that out in your face each time.

sukuna tied up the woman infront of you— just the same—as she sobbed violently, her head hung low just like you on your first day here. your eyes widened as he stripped the woman infront of you. with each precise movement was an intentional glare at you.

he wanted you to watch as he fucked her cunt just the way he did with you. only much so gentleness, only with so much praise that you havent gotten. it wasnt fair. why wasnt he treating you the same way? the passionate kisses they shared, the gentle sex they had, you wanted all of it. and sukuna knew that all too well.

“just looking at your face is revolting.. why cant you be like this pretty jewel here, dirty slut.” your eyes stung, your cheeks turning a slight red. you hated this. it should be you instead of her, but you knew you were in no place to make demands like this.

sukuna made sure you kept looking at him each time, his cock thrusting into her cunt slowly. from now on, this is how your days went. he was so loving to her.. treating her as if she were some porcelain doll infront of you. she even started growing some superior complex. she whispered oh so silently just so that he wouldnt hear.

“hear that? he hates you.. just give up.” she smiled, saying those words with an apologetic tone.

at this point, you’ve known that hes hated you. but you only knew it was about time before he disposed of her. you just didnt expect to get greeted with a knife in your hands and her mouth, along with her eyes covered with a blindfold.

honestly, this was becoming his favorite hobby at the point. messing with your small human brain that cant even tell from right or wrong anymore.

➡︎ part 3 //

a/n: please consider liking, reblogging, and sending me some recommendations! i also probably will do a part 3, it’ll be the last part! @frogzxch

ⓒ 2024 xavviquz - dont copy, repost, or modify

[rb19]

as the norstappen url holder TO ME current norstappen dynamics is SYMPATHY IS A KNIFE by charli

we know lando cares very deeply about how fans/media view their friendship. he felt he had to clear up he didn't race max hard in 2023 bc there's no point duh max was in rocketship, he could not compete, didnt make sense for his own result to put up a fight, it's not bc he is max's mate!!!! stop saying that PLEASEEE!!!!! went far to say that "we're not best friends." and i get that. just bc max doesn't let fans/media opinion get to him, it doesn't mean it's easy for lando to do the same.

max considers lando his best friend from the grid bc lando was the first driver who had the same interests as him back in 2019. finally someone from the grid understood max's sim racing obsession. lando didn't make fun of max's love for video games bc he also loved to play them. their iracing/COD streams back in 2019/2020 were fun and the reason they got close. as lando moved to monaco they started hanging out together, max loves a good party and so does lando now so to sass cafe we go. lando couldn't get max into golf god bless but they love to play padel. etc.

lando was very much a fan of max when he first got into f1. once i was stalking this inactive max fan page on instagram and noticed lando liked a bunch of posts back in 2018 😭 he saw max winning the big titles in karting. i think a few max fans are annoyed by some of lando's actions/interviews right now but they forget how he was/is always very complimentary of max as a driver/person in interviews. how he asked in the 2020 70th anniversary gp who won the race and his reaction to race engineer saying max was "legend." how he was team max throughout the whole 2021 season. how even last year he asked british fans to not boo max in silverstone. etc. and max was always there backing up lando too. stating he believes lando has what it takes to be a world champion in the future, that he made the right choice by staying in mclaren and having faith in the project.

IN 2024 they both have a fast car and they can compete against each other. max is a three time world champion, he aint got nothing else to prove. he has beaten lewis fucking hamilton. lando is the one who has everything to prove. he has to prove he can fight max hard now and back up his words. the pressure is all on lando. so how lando talks about max in race weekends, how he reacts to max's performances on track is going to change naturally. those max fans have to accept that. but things won't change for max, because max has been winning for so long now. max knows how to take losses. how to quickly recover from mistakes.

and ofc max being happy for lando in miami was ok, it was first win, everyone was happy for him. but lando doesn't want to see max happy anymore. i just beat you to pole and you come up to me to gossip about leclerc's lack of penalty??? who the fuck cares, can't you be at least a bit mad? lando will sulk after a race he feels he should've won, while max will quickly get over a p2 in miami even if he got fucked over by a SC. lando will entertain hypotheticals bc it helps knowing he was close to a win again, while max dgaf he could've won miami, he's all praises for lando.

lando does not have the self confidence max has. lando will question himself. it's normal. lando will feel conflicted. he doesn't want max to play nice with him, he doesn't want max's sympathy after he just lost a race. sympathy is just a knife. he knows it's sincere coming from max, and especially bc it's sincere he feels belittled by it. it's silly and he doesn't even want to feel that way. is he not worthy of being max's RIVAL? he doesn't want max to explain to him after the race how his aggressive move opened up the door to george overtake them both. he doesn't want max to be laughing at him in the press con. can max take me seriously for a sec?

next chapter: austria.

[pinetrees-in-the-water]

what if ej x gn blind reader??😏

Anon your brain is so huge.... Im basically writing fanfic here but AAAAAAA

(Edit: Oh my god I noticed the smirking emoji way too late yall please be specific with wanting NSFW or SFW I was well Into fluff territory before I realized and I still can't tell what anon means, but SFW and NSFW under the cut)

Thank you for the request!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

◇EJ x GN! Blind Reader◇

• So EJ CAN see but his vision is more akin to like...cat night vision. Only sees in shades of gray.

• Basically the man is colorblind.

• He takes advantage of it and only hunts in the night, scouting out houses for possible victima to soothe his demonic hunger or or contract kills for The Operator.

• So when he's creeping around a what he thinks is an abandoned house and sees you walking around in the dark, his heart stops.

• Naturally, being blind has led to your other senses improving over time and you're barely able to hear a creak that DEFINATELY wasn't you.

• You grab the kitchen knife and reach for your phone in your pocket just in case you need to dial a neighbor or the cops.

• You hadn't turned around yet so EJ didnt notice you were blind, he tried silently moving towards you to knock you out when-

• "DON'T COME ANY CLOSER I CAN HEAR YOU!" You swung around with the knife in your hand. EJ saw your closed eyes and realized his mistake.

• "Hey hey Im sorry. Im not gonna hurt you. Ill get out right now." He pretty much bolted out the window leaving you confused.

• You DID call someone over to check and yeah...he left.

• Weeks later you found a note in braille at your door apologizing for the incident, you were shocked at the amount of effort this intruder was taking to amend his actions, he also explained that he'd been completely blind before and understood how terrifying it must have been.

• You don't know what possessed you but you wrote back and left your letter in the same place you found his. Thus started a pattern of you both writing back and forth.

• Eventually you both came to care alot for each other, you found out he was a part of a sort of task force and had killed before, but he wanted to "Spare you the gory details" so you didn't find out more for a while.

• He started helping you in small ways, fetching you groceries, running small errands since it was a hassle to get around with your condition, you aporefuated the kindess that was rare from other people. And slowly started falling for him, and maybe it was the way he wrote, soft yet deep voice or his constant compliments but it felt like he was falling for you too.

• Even though you couldn't see him, you wanted to meet him again in person (without the breaking and entering) and tell him how you felt. And so you did.

• He agreed but something was off even as you both laughed in the kitchen while baking, his hands..no his skin was ice cold. And even if he was talking and laughing with you he seemed unusually nervous, you could hear the tapping off his foot.

• When yoy asked him if somethibg was wrong he couldn't take it anymore and broke. He told you about his past and qhen he was turned in college, the ritual that put a demon inside of him and how he had no choice but to break into morgues and scout for the "morallly corrupt" so the demon had a source of food, it had turned him into a cannibal.

• At first you thought he was making fun of you and that it was some kind of joke, but before you could get mad his chilled hands took yours.

• "Do you trust me? Ill show you... I promise im not lying"

•You dont know what made you say yes but you did. He took your hands and put them on his face so you could feel his features which were definately human..and after you were done his face started to morph, skin splitting and his jaw unhinging to reveal what felt like razor-sharp teeth.

• His mouth closed as soon as it opened. He tried pulling away and running but you didn't want him to this time.

SFW:

• As said above Jack loves providing acts of service for you. Groceries? Cooking? Cleaning? call him your malewife because he's doing ALL of it.

• Of course he doesn't treat you like some helpless child and respects when you qant to do things yourself but still always offers just in case.

• After you both properly get together and you know his past hes noticibly more physically affectionate while making sure not to startle or scare you with sudden touches.

• Takes EXTRA precaution to make sure youre out of The Operator's radar since youre at a bit of a disadvantage (a tad overprotective)

• kisses you on your eyelids (kicking my legs and screaming)

NSFW:

• Regardless of who he's with he's a soft dom (Im tired of yall slandering my man's name HES A SWEET BOY.)

•Jack is so gentle. Mainly because he's terrified of doing something wrong.

•He's a big boy at 6'5 so a good chance hes taller than you, and hes somewhat muscular too so he's aware theres a huge imbalance in your relationship and checks in on you every once in a while to make sure youre okay with him doing anything.

• He has 3 tongues.....need I say more?

•Goes down on you VERY often, somwtimes gets a bit carried away and overstimulates you

•Even if you can't see him he ALWAYS ALWAYS compliments how pretty/handsome you look during sex.

• Sensory deprivation but just....always.

• Despite being majorly soft that doesn't mean hes not an absolute tease in bed. 100% makes you beg. And definately takes advantage of tue fact that you cant see what he's gonna do next.(Will feel guilty if you accuse him of bullying you for being blind)

[puhpandas]

You Stress Me Out

(4,135 words)

Gregory shows up at Evan's house during a storm with a wood carving knife stuck in his stomach. It may not be that bad of a wound, but that doesn't mean having a knife sticking out of you is any less scary. Or that Evan will freak out any less.

warnings: blood, mentions of a fistfight, an unsafe home environment, stitches, and of course, a blade being stuck inside flesh

Evans incredibly on edge right now. Which, nothing new here. But this time, it's less of his normal state and more of a genuine, rational kind of edge.

First off; a storm is on it's way. Not only does a storm mean that outside is a no-go, meaning that Evan is trapped inside his house with no way to leave, but hes absolutely terrified of thunder.

Which is why as soon as he'd heard about the bad weather, when his fathers back was turned and Michael had been focusing on something other than messing with him, he'd snuck to the kitchen, grabbed all the snacks and water he could need, and took them to his hidden stash in his bedroom.

This way, he didnt have to leave his room. And he could do his old trick of blocking the door leading from the shortest route to his room with his dresser, which could give him enough time to shut Michael out if he decides to persist on the other side.

Unlockable doors. The bane of Evan's existence.

The other reason hes on edge isnt because of himself, even though his body is locked up and sense, waiting for the thunder to start booming outside and send him flying off of his bed from how hard he flinches. Its because of Gregory.

Evan's brows furrow from his place on his bed, curtains drawn, but just open enough to see the rain start so he can brace himself. He takes one look at the gray clouds and white sky and frowns deeply.

Evan knows all about his friends... situation. Honestly, after being friends for almost a year, you'd think he would have known sooner, but nope. Evan had just been giving Gregory the benefit of the doubt too much. when Gregory'd refuse to let Evan go to his house, he'd assume he had parents like his, who he didnt want Gregory to have to see either, which was why he had been asking. When Gregory would have new bruises and cuts and rips in his clothing the next time Evan would see him, he would deliberately choose not to pry, or wonder, because he would think maybe it was worse than he thought.

But Evan had figured it out eventually, and he'd understood why Gregory kept it from him so long. Evan wouldnt want Gregory to see him differently for being a certain way.

But like Gregory, Evan had made it clear he didnt. He understands, really. Like he understands that with the knowledge comes the worry.

Evan knows Gregory doesnt always have stable shelter. The city and it's people arent so kind to homeless people like Gregory, even when hes outside and theres about to be a hurricane. Which is why Evan is hoping, wishing, praying that Gregory will come to Evan, this time.

It's why he's reading a book, sitting on his bed next to his window instead of on his phone like usual. Evan's on edge because he cant stop thinking about what would happen to Gregory if he didn't come, and if he does, will Evan hear him to let him in.

Evans room is on the ground floor, which makes it very easy for Gregory to come and go as he pleases (also for Evan to make an escape when he needs to. It's not rare for Evan to ditch his room to flee to the city with Cassidy, sometimes).

Evan's eyes trail over the words on the pages, but he isnt taking them in. He huffs, letting the book drop to his lap, and tries to ignore how cold-but-on-fire his stomach feels. He can't focus. Not when Gregory's supposed to trust Evan enough to come to him when he needs help and he hasnt yet.

Evan only waits a while longer, foot tapping on the side of his comforter and fingers drumming. When the first few thick drops of water land on his window, he goes for his phone.

Gregory said to never call him unless it's important. But right now, with how much Evan's stomach swims with nausea over uncertainty about Gregory's safety, Evan thinks this is important enough.

Evan only has enough time to enter his fifteen digit pin and tap the phone app before the sound hes been waiting for rings out by his window.

Evan can feel his shoulders drop when the familiar jingle of a Fazbear song is knocked on his window. He smiles, hurrying over to his window and almost ripping the curtains off the wall with how fast he opens them.

When Evan reaches to open the window, Gregory's there, if not a bit weary, if his half lidded eyes and the cut on his cheekbone are any indication, but Evan doesnt worry too much. Just unclicking the locks on his window and helping Gregory step inside when its apparent he needs help.

He has a hand clutching at his stomach, which is worrying, but Gregory looks like hes okay. Not about to die, which is what Evan's thoughts always end up going to, so he thinks that's a good thing.

Evan shuts the window and locks it just as the rain starts to drop harder, and he shuts the curtains, sending a glance at his door (the one not covered up with a dresser) out of paranoia. When his father doesnt burst in and send Gregory away like Evan's imagining, he turns his attention back to Gregory.

Hes huffing, like he cant catch his breath, which makes Evan furrow his brows. Gregory's bent over, like when you have a stomach cramp and try to curl in on yourself as much as possible. If Evan looks hard enough, he can see the inklings of bruises on Gregory's knuckles.

Evan frowns. Okay, probably a fight, but it wouldnt be the first time he would have to pull out the first aid kit.

"Gregory." Evan catches his attention. Gregory's eyes dart up to him, and he offers a shaky smile. "Hey. You had me worried sick."

"Me too." Gregory says, but it sounds strained. He still has that hand pressed firmly over a spot on his stomach, and when he looks pained, Evan guides him over to his bed, letting him sit down. "I know you don't like thunder and stuff. A-And you'd be stuck with Michael.

Evan crosses his arms, trying to look stern but coming off as incredibly worried instead. "Gregory. You're acting weird." He points out. "Listen, I know you're hurt. You know I've seen you get into fights before. Can you just tell me what's wrong?"

Gregory, suspiciously, looks away, focused on one of Evan's toys hes had since he was younger that he never bothered to put away. "Um. I-I dont think this is like those times, though."

Well. If Gregory can be this difficult, he cant be feeling too bad. Doesnt do anything for the anxiety digging a hole in Evan's stomach, though. "No matter what it is, you need help, okay? I wont judge. Just let me patch you up."

Gregory doesnt respond for a moment, then, "Promise not to freak out."

"What?"

"Promise not to wig out." Gregory meets his eyes, looking pained. "This is gonna make you freak. I know it. Just... try to stay calm. It's not that bad, I swear."

"Just show me already!" Evan presses, getting jittery from nerves. "You saying that is already making me freak out!"

"Okay! Jeez." Gregory huffs, and takes a deep breath. "Just dont look at it too hard."

"Gregory!" Evan yells.

"Okay, okay!" Gregory says placatingly. He doesnt say anything else, just takes his hand off of his stomach like ripping off a bandaid.

Evan's eyes blow wide, and his legs turn cold. "Oh my god."

"There it is." Gregory sighs.

"Gregory." Evan says, just above a whisper, because he cant manage anything louder at that moment. He stares at Gregory's stomach, feeling a pit in his own stomach when he cant tear his eyes away. "Gregory!"

"I told you you'd freak out." Gregory mutters, like he doesnt have a literal knife sticking out of his flesh.

"Why would I not freak out?!" Evan whisper yells, because wow he does not need his father or Michael to walk in right now. He gestures wildly, trying to put all of his emotions I into the single movement. "You have a knife in you!"

Despite what Gregory said not to do, Evan looks hard at it anyway. It isnt super deep; it's one of those really tiny pocket knives, like what you would use to carve wood with. He can still see some of the blade sticking out, which means the inch and a half long blade isnt plundged very deep.

"I know." Gregory says. "Can you help me get it out?"

Evan gapes. "Help you--" He giggles maniacally. "Gregory, if I pull it out, I'll have no clue how to make it so you wont bleed out."

"Well," Gregory glances away. "I cant really go to the hospital, and I cant just leave it in." He says. "You're my best bet. Besides, I promise it isnt that bad. It could have been way worse. I dont need a hospital."

Wow. No pressure, or anything. Evan implodes, shaking his hands out and doing laps around the room. "I'm gonna have to pull a knife out of you."

"Okay. Stay calm, remember?" Gregory repeats, and when Evan's facing Gregory's direction again after another lap, he can see him wincing. "Look, I know you're wigging out, but I really dont want this knife to me stuck inside me anymore."

"I would assume so!" Evan hisses, coming to a stop in the middle of his room and wringing his hands through his sweater sleeves. "Gregory--"

"Okay, listen." Gregory sounds strained, and Evan takes a moment to pause, worry taking ahold of his stomach like a giant hand and squeezing. "You have a phone, don't you? I need you to Google what to do, and pull this stupid knife out of my stomach."

Evan gets queasy just thinking about it. "Gregory."

"I know." He says. "But, look. I'm not gonna be awake much longer, since I pretty much ran from the city to here while I was bleeding, and the guy who attacked me had already beat me up a bit before stabbing me."

Evan's heart seizes at that. He returns to Gregory's side, sitting down with him. "But, isnt it not good if you're unconscious--"

"I dont know." He interrupts, eyes squeezed shut. "Look, I'm feeling kinda woozy, so I dont know how much longer I have left, but I'll try to stay awake."

Evan frowns. "You're acting like you're gonna die or something." He jokes, but his hand shake at the thought. "...Okay. Come here."

Gregory perks up, sitting up with great effort and putting an arm around Evan's neck when he gestures to. "We're doing this?"

"Yeah." Evan says shakily. He supports Gregory as he leads him lay down, pressed up against the wall, where if the door opened, hed be hidden behind it. Evan grabs a few of the towels he hides in his room to always have a clean one, -since he can never rely on laundry being done in his house-, and lays them under Gregory to soak up any blood. His father would kill Evan if he got the carpet stained with blood.

Evan grabs the first aid kit he always has hidden under his bed, and clicks it open, settling on his knees in front of Gregory's slack form on the floor with hovering hands as he glances at each of the kits contends uncertainly.

He grabs his phone, fingers trembling and pressing all the wrong buttons. Gregorys harsh breathing doesnt help.

"How did this even happen?" Evan asks as he desperately types in 'how to pull a wood carving knife out of your stomach at home' into the search bar. "Like-- I know you get into fights sometimes, but this?"

"Okay okay." Gregory coughs a bit. "Ill tell you. So, you know how it's about to storm?"

Evan glances at the crack through the curtains just enough to see the dark gray clouds swirling. "Yeah."

"So, I wasnt at my usual spot, but it was really close to starting to pour. And getting sick is like, the worst case scenario." Gregory says while Evan reads the random article he found at the speed of light. "So, I had to find some other place closer to where I was to wait out the storm, because I couldnt travel that far in the rain."

Evan pauses in reading, frowning and looking at Gregory's face. "You know you can always come here, right?"

Gregory frowns, looking away. "Yeah, but..." He trails off. "Its not fair to dump my problems on you like that."

Evan scoffs, breathing out a light chuckle. "Like you didnt dump your problems on me right now. And even then, I dont mind. I would much rather you come to me then be in pain somewhere else. Okay?"

Evan doesnt look at Gregory's face, too busy looking down at the article he has pulled up on his phone in his trembling hand, but he can tell hes smiling.

"Also, don't act like you don't make my problems your own, too. Im allowed to do the same as well, you know."

"Okay, okay." Gregory huffs. "I get it. I'll come to you right away next time. Happy?"

"Yes." Evan says, and he really is. Knowing that Gregory is sure to come to Evan when the weather gets bad, or something happens that makes the city unsafe, Evan will be able to sleep soundly knowing Gregory will either be safe with him, or he will be if need be. "You never finished telling me how you ended up with a pocket knife stuck in you, though."

"Right." Gregory chuckles. "So, I find this kind of hidden away spot, right? And I'm thinking I got really lucky, and set my stuff down. But then this other older kid shows up, and its obvious hes like me. But he gets really mad that I'm in his spot and starts yelling at me to get out."

"Jerk." Evan says, pulling the things he needs out of the first aid kit. "You should help eachother out, not fight. I'm sure he could have lended you some space."

"I'm sure you would have." Gregory chuckles. "But anyway, I'm packing up my stuff to leave, because this guy hurting me is a bigger concern than the weather at this point, and I dont want to mess with him."

Evan nods along, and goes to begin, but pauses when the first step is to take out the knife. Nausea curls in his gut, and he winces, glancing at Gregory.

"Hey." He cuts Gregory off in his story, and tries to look as apologetic as possible. "I, um. Have to take the knife out."

Gregory's eyes blow wide, and he frowns. "Oh."

Evan fidgets, having no idea how to make this better for Gregory. "Do you want me to count to three, or...?"

"Just do it." Gregory puts that steely exterior on. "I can handle it. Just do what you need to do."

Evan feels awful; this must suck for Gregory. Even if the knife is small and not very deep, having something sharp ripped out of your flesh cant be fun. "If you're sure."

He props himself on his knees, getting as close to Gregory as possible, and wraps a hand firmly around the small handle of the wood carving knife.

He can see it in Gregory's eyes. Neither of them want to do this.

"Keep telling your story." Evan says softly. Maybe itll distract Gregory from it, even a little bit. And Evan, as well. He can already feel bile working it's way up his throat at the thought.

Gregory nods minutely, jaw locked and tense. He breathes out a bit. "...Kay. So, I'm trying to tell him that I'll leave if he let's me get my stuff, but hes really impatient, and when I dont leave right away, he tries to scare me away faster by beating me."

Evan winces, pointedly twisting his neck away from the knife, as he tightens his grip, anticipation sending lightning through his veins. "That explains the bruises." He says shakily.

Gregory pauses, waiting for something that doesn't come. "...Yeah. He uh, he got me pretty good... but he didnt leave unscathed either. But, I think I got it worse."

"Definitely." Evan agrees ghastily, his stomach rolling when he feels the cold handle of the knife pressing idents in his skin. "Keep going."

Gregory gives him a look, but continues. "...So when I start fighting back, even though I'm smaller, he took that as a bad thing, apparently, and wanted me gone so he didnt get hurt. So what does he do?"

Evan doesn't respond, just squeezing his eyes shut, biting his tongue, and ripping off the bandaid.

Evan rips the knife out with a quick flick of his shoulder, and gags when it makes a fleeting metal-on-flesh sound as its removed. Gregory lurches lightly next to him, making a garbled, suprised sound, and when it's over, just lays flat on the floor.

"G-God." Gregory coughs, stuttering. "Okay, that wasnt that bad. I guess."

"I'm sorry." Evan frets, flinching and dropping the knife on the towel when some of Gregory's blood drips down his fingers. "I'm sorry, Gregory."

"You didnt do it." Gregory chuckles, his face white as a sheet. He brings up an arm to clutch at a spot just above the wound on his chest. "Jesus."

"I'll fix you up." Evan says softly, setting a hand on Gregory's own and taking it away just as quickly when he rushes to go wash his hands. "Okay? It might hurt, but you'll be okay. I'll make sure of it."

"...Kay." Is all Gregory says, and Evan rushes faster when he just let's his head fall against the floor.

When Evan comes back, he all but dives onto the floor, grabbing the things he layed out on the carpet and beginning. "Gregory, hey!"

"What?" Gregory asks, and Evan sinks in relief when hes still awake. He rolls up Gregory's shirt, inspecting the wound, and he finds it looks more like just a deep cut than anything. "I know you're trying to stay awake, but I'm probably gonna have to find a way to close this cut, so you might want to go ahead and go to sleep."

Gregory pales. "Like, stitches?"

"Probably." Evan shudders. A wave of sickness washes over his body when he realizes hes probably gonna have to find a needle and thread, and stitch Gregory's flesh closed, even if the cut is only an inch or so long. "Better safe than sorry. And I really dont think having a wood carving knife stabbed into you, even if it wasnt that deep, is okay to just put a bandaid over."

"...Alright." Gregory sighs, and his head rolls against the floor, his body relaxing. "I don't want to be awake for that."

"Me neither." Evan huffs, and Gregory breathes the air of a laugh through his nose. "But I think you'll be okay. Just sleep, and you'll be patched up when you wake up."

Gregory sighs a deep sigh, and Evan thinks it sounds like deep relief just settled. "Okay. Thank you, Evan."

"Of course." Evan replies, and when Gregory shuts his eyes and no doubt falls asleep pretty quick, Evan glances around his room, and realizes hes gonna have to go on a scavenger hunt for a needle and thread.

He sighs, hoping and wishing that he wont run into his father or Michael when he has to venture out of the safety of his room, but he relaxes at the moment, taking in a deep breath and reaching for some supplies.

First, he has to clean the wound.

🐻

When Gregory creaks his eyes open, it's not to Evan's carpeted floor like he had expected. Well, he is on the floor, he finds when he finally takes in his surroundings. But he isnt laying down completely. Some pillows and blankets have been posed and laid around him, like a nest, and Evan is sitting next to him in the middle, scrolling and watching something on his phone.

Gregory twists his neck and puts pressure in his arm, trying to prop himself up. He yawns, and Evan startles, taking out the crappy Walmart earbuds he'd bought. "Gregory!"

"Hi." Gregory groans, feeling the effects of his fistfight and intense sprint take hold, his body groaning and aching with soreness at his movement. He feels warm; which is something he wasnt expecting when he'd initially thought he'd spend the span of the storm outside in it. "Ugh."

Evan shuts his phone off lays it and his earbuds on the blanket, twisting his torso and shimmying in his spot laying against a pillow against the wall and legs covered with a throw blanket to face him. "You probably dont feel too good."

"Like crap." Gregory agrees. When he shifts again, back and head cushioned against two pillows without cases on them, he can feel the sore sort of throbbing pain of whatever stitches Evan had sewn in him. He wrinkles his nose at the thought, feeling guilty on Evan's behalf. "But... the stitches feel secure. I'm sorry you had to do that, it must have sucked really hard."

"It did." Evan shudders, but chuckles at the same time. "You know, I had to go in my Moms room to get the needle and thread and steal the pills from my Dad."

Gregory quirks a brow. "What pills?" He asks at the same time Evan hands him a small bottle of Advil. "Oh."

Evan hands him some snacks, too. A water bottle and some crackers. He smiles softly and takes them, taking two Advil with a swig of the water bottle. "You did all that for me?" Gregory asks, voice small. "...I know you hate your Dad, and your parents would get mad at you if they saw you snooping."

"I know." Evan says, fidgeting with one of the blankets and laying his head on the pillow propped against the wall. "But I wanted you to feel better more than I was scared of my parents."

Theres a short stretch of silence after that, only the harsh rain and wind against the house being heard. Gregory stays silent, turning over Evan's words in his head.

His eyes burn slightly, but he pushes it down with precise practice. "Thank you" Is all he can find in him to say. Theres too many feelings, too many emotions he has to put them into words.

But Evan knows him, and Gregory knows he understands when he nods, and smiles that small, kind smile that just screams 'and I'd do it again'. "Of course." Evan insists, and looks away for a moment. "I want you to trust me, okay? I want to show you that if you come to me because you need help, I'll be here, and I wont discount you, or-- or shrug you off."

Gregory doesn't smile, but he feels warmth spread through his chest at that. Gregory knows Evan, so he knows exactly why he would want Gregory to feel that way. He knows exactly why Evan holds himself to that, even though Gregorys confident a lot of it has to do with just the kindness in Evan's own heart.

"I-I know." Gregory whispers. "I came here because I do trust you. I came here because I know that."

It's really hard for Gregory to say that, and he knows Evan understands, because he doesnt comment, just nods, relief sagging his shoulders.

Theres a short burst of silence for a moment, the two of them just soaking up the atmosphere of being warm and comfortable, despite the circumstances.

"You're staying here, by the way." Evan's voice rips him out of his thoughts suddenly, and Gregory snaps to attention to see Evan looking at him sternly, but worriedly. "I know you're gonna try to say something stupid about how you're fine to go back into the rain. You arent going anywhere near the city, alright? I don't care if the storm lasts a week. I'll find a way to hide you so Michael or my father dont find you, okay?"

Gregory snorts at Evan's intense voice, but his heart bursts all the same. "Okay, Evan. I promise."

"Good." Evan sounds appeased. He twists his body, reaching for something, and grabs his phone, putting one earbud in and giving Gregory the other. He opens YouTube, handing the phone to Gregory. "You can pick. Honor of the patient."

Gregory grins, giggling. "Thanks, Doctor Evan."

ao3 link

[werrrrrd]

CHARLES XAVIER X OC

Part I

PLEASE GO TO PREVIOUS CHAPTERS ON MY BLOG FOR WARNINGS!!!!

AN:Hey again! Here's the first non prologue bit. If you skipped to here that's ok. I'm gonna mention again that it doesn't follow the plot very much, setting and timing is off, I lowkey just made up stuff so that I could write the story how I wanted to haha. Just ignore that yeah? Anyways here you get to see a lot of Mays power development which was so fun to write and also you get some CHARLES action FINALLY! Once again please ignore plot holes, cut me some slack, I really don't care enough about fixing them haha, some things that happen were not really supposed to be possible in the movies but FOR SAKE OF THE STORY i made them possible. Also her power limitations are very vague and inconsistent, I know but once again, it's for the plot! Obviously that makes things not make any sense but here we are and it is what it is. 

“May, are you listening?” Frost asked me. My head snapped towards her and Shaw, who was threatening Hendry out on the deck of the boat, making sure no one else had been told of the deal they had made previously. Shaw paused to look at me.

“Sorry,” I said. Shaw tisked at me. I stifled a worried feeling that rose up in my belly as he fiddled with the ring on his pointer finger. One touch on the dial that was hidden in the intricate design of the ring and my shock devices would go off. Usually he didn't care when I wasnt paying attention to him but if I caught him in a bad mood he would be happy to indulge in a little pain. 

I zoned back out once Shaw began talking to Hendry and had taken his thumb off the ring. So much time had passed. I had come to realize pretty quickly I would not get out of this situation on my own accord. Something had to happen in order for me to be able to get away. I used to watch for opportunities constantly. After years of nothing presenting itself I had grown weary and lost faith in even the hope of escaping Shaw's control. I was on a very short leash and probably would be until Shaw was killed (which didnt seem likely with his powers) or until Shaw killed me. 

You had better believe that when I found out Shaw was a mutant I was furious. How could he do all that he did to his own kind? Of course when I tried to have a go at him he only turned the dial up until I was brought to the ground.

I jumped at the loud sound of an explosion. Shaw was containing it until he absorbed it and shook at the new energy he consumed. Hendry looked at him in disgust and horror. Soon after Shaw killed hendry in a blur of light and soon it was just us on the sunny deck of the yacht.. 

Things settled down, Shaw offered us all drinks and we all sat on the boat as things got dark. They, mostly Shaw and Emma, chatted while I stayed quiet as the sun set. 

***

After a couple hours of sitting and thinking out in the warm air, I felt the heartbeat of someone coming closer towards us from further off in the ship. I would have waved it off as a crew member or hired guard of shaws, if the heart wasnt beating so painfully quick and catching my attention. I sat up as I felt the persons blood inch nearer to us.

“What is it May?” asked shaw, noticing my concerned face

“Someones here.” I said. Shaw didnt seem worried at this information, He thought he was untouchable. Unfortunately so far, he had been. 

The body got closer and Shaw sat and waited for who ever it was to present themself. 

“Herr doctor,” 

We all stood defensively as a man came around the corner holding a knife. Shaw waved us off and spoke to him in german calling him Erik Lehnsherr. He had murder in his eyes as he approached shaw and Emma confirmed his intentions that he wanted to kill Shaw.

The man fell to the ground in pain as Emma invaded his mind. Shaw spoke more and Emma defended him as Erik threw his knife through the air with impossible precision. She caught the knife and then threw him off the boat. We heard a loud splash but then we heard the loud sound of a boat horn and flares being sent into the sky from behind us. The U.S coast guard announced itself and demanded that we dont move our ship.

Based on the heart rates of everyone it was something we were concerned about. I shook out my arms, suddenly feeling a rush of adrenaline. Soon enough people were running about, people who werent from our crew

AN: If you couldnt already tell the story goes off course here and I kind of do my own thing because it would be boring for me to write a story so closely based off the plot line of the movie.

The costal guard boat had come up next to our ship. Our own crew ran around at Shaws orders to get the submarine prepared.

are they… attacking?? I could hardly tell with so much commotion.

“Grab Shaw!” someone yelled. Now I could tell they were fighting. But I couldn't tell where Shaw was, I whipped around trying to make sense of things, my team was all over the place fighting different people, some unofficial looking military soldiers were mixed about with a few people in more casual outfits. Shots were being fired but none at me.

I stumbled out further towards the action without getting too close. Then I saw Shaw running at me, at least three people chased behind him and as my own team noticed they  followed too. Shaw pointed at the ring on his finger menacingly as he approached, as a reminder of what he could do to me. I took a wide stance after Shaw placed himself behind me and felt the blood of everyone in the vicinity. I picked out the ones that I wanted and stopped them all using my hands to get better control. The ones who stayed in motion were from my side. They came and surrounded Shaw defensively and raised their own hands in case I lost control. I didn't lose control these days. I could hold at least 25 people at once and I didn't nearly kill them while doing so. I had seen my powers grow at an exponential rate for the last few years. I learned I could do more than just hold on to blood and move it. 

“What's happening?” One of the other team said. She was a blond girl who seemed like she hadnt expected to be in combat based on what she was wearing and the fact that she didnt have any weapons. “Whos is doing this?”

One of the men spoke. I hadn't noticed him before but now I got a good look at him and something inside of me shook at the sight of him, a resolute look on his face, determined, but nothing evil or malicious. He was also seemingly unprepared for combat. Two fingers were frozen pressed on his temple and a subtle wince was on his face.

He gave me an expression that I couldn't read. Suddenly I felt a slight pressure in the back of my skull near the shock devices that were implanted in my neck and on my spine. Something was in my head and somehow I knew it was him. His brows furrowed in focus and I felt him rifle through my mind. A thought came into my mind about my mutation and I knew that he was searching for my abilities. 

“Its her, in the middle” he said “It's our blood that she can control,” He spoke with something that almost sounded like wonder in his voice. He let out a curious breath and blinked at me

 I widened my eyes at him before trying to push him out. I felt him move on from just reading my thoughts and felt him get control of my actions, My brain suddenly wanted to let him go. I recognized that he was responsible for this thought and felt the anger coming on because he was overriding my powers. I did my best to resist his advances. I felt him hesitate before pushing harder. Then I felt the slight buzzing of my shock devices. The man's actions stuttered as he must have felt the electricity threatening to increase if I didn't do something quickly. I yanked the man's hand away from his head in order to halt his powers and he didn't react quick or strong enough to stop me. I felt the connection break and my mind was occupied by only me.

Shaw praised me by patting my arm as he came to stand in front of me now that the danger was gone.

I turned back at the man who now looked at me just as intensely as I had been looking at him. There was a sharp clarity in his eyes I had not seen before in anyone. My gut twinged inside of me and I didn't know why. Shaw started speaking to the group about how he could not be stopped with his incredible team of mutants but my eyes stayed locked with the strangers. Everyone else's attention was on Shaw. He stayed watching me. He had been in my head. Not even Emma had been in my head, Shaw saw no need, knowing he had total control over me.

I expected to feel violated by someone else in my mind, a space only I had ever been inside. But this man had entered my mind with what felt like… respect, or reverence? He didn't go as far as he could have and I knew that it was intentional. My eyebrows furrowed as I tried to understand. And now, even though he wasn't in my head, I could feel my brain reaching out to him, to be connected to his.

 I shook myself out of my stupor just in case I could actually make contact with him without his hand on his temple. I felt embarrassed that my mind wanted him to do that, I knew better. I couldn't make sense of the reaction I was having right now. So I tried to focus on Shaw’s speech which seemed to be droning on more than necessary. The things he was saying were horrible and I felt a slight guilt wash over me at the things I was helping him to accomplish. I hoped that these things wouldn't happen, but I also knew that I had no control over helping him. I had started to go numb and detach myself years ago. This was my life and there was nothing that could be done. 

I glanced back at the man. He was still watching me. My heart rate sped and when I reached out to feel his blood and heart rate, mine only quickened. He somehow knew that I was listening. His expression changed oh so subtly. It was barely noticeable. He almost smiled at me. Quickly I stopped listening to his heart and looked away. I felt my mind reach out to him again and I snatched it back up before it could get there.

Suddenly there was a commotion happening in the water next to us. Shaw took this moment to get out and went for the hatch to the submarine. I stood for just a second longer and glanced at everyone before resting my eyes on the man whose eyes now flashed between mine and the anchor that was levatiating above us ready to smash down. I widened my eyes before sidestepping to follow after my team who took off. I held everyone in place while getting some distance between us and them. Once I got too far I couldn't keep my hold on their blood and they were let out of my control. The ship was crumbling as I went down the steps and hallways catching up with Azezel and getting ushered into the hatch. 

We took off, but something was slowing us down, the submarine was already rather slow. I realized Erik must have been able to control metal, from the way he was able to throw the knife, and he must have been the person with the anchor who was tearing up the yacht we were just on. He must have been holding on to the submarine as well. 

Shaw didn't seem worried that he would be able to stop us though. Finally I felt the sub move ahead with no restraint. We got a ways away before I gave myself a moment to think. 

Who was that? I didn't understand why I felt the way I felt when I looked at him. It was only a moment after that that I felt him reenter my brain.. I stopped suddenly, my eyes going wide and mentally clamoring to figure out how to get him out of my head. Also onfused at how he could reach me from this distance. We weren't incredibly far but we were at least 100 meters away at this point. 

“Don't worry,” I heard his voice speak. It was soft and smooth with a nice accent and I liked it. I didn't like that I liked it. I whipped around wondering if he had somehow got onto the ship or if he was just saying these things in my head somehow

“I wont mess around with your thoughts or memories, I just want to see where you are going,” He explained. I gulped walking towards the main room behind the team.

“You did good today. Keep it up,” Shaw pulled me toward him by the arm. I saw him grinning out of the corner of my eye. His teeth glinted in the light before I pushed off of him

Shaw had noticed my face. “Is something the matter?”

I could tell them that the man was reading my mind and he could do something to make it impossible for the man to find where we were going. Or Emma could figure out some way of stopping him from reading my mind, but I somehow knew she wouldn't be able to control him with the distance, somehow, I knew that it was just me and him who could. I was more worried Shaw would make me kill him. If I got close again I could shut everything off, his entire body, and he would die. I hated to kill people for Shaw, but I found out quickly that refusing didn't do anything but harm me as well as kill them in more gruesome and painful ways. If I didn't do it he would beat me and shock me to teach me a lesson after ending them himself. I shivered, even though this man had tried to manipulate my thoughts, I didn't want him harmed, especially not killed.

“No, everything's fine. I'm good.” I responded shortly

Shaw looked at me suspiciously before turning around to go. I kept walking to my private room on the sub. I still felt weird about letting the man find out where we were going. I didn't want to put myself in danger. But I couldn't think of a better option.

“Do you usually betray Shaw or should I be flattered?” I heard his voice speak in my head again again. I frowned and tried not to say anything.

“Ill take that as a yes then?“ he questioned

Shut up!” I whisper yelled. It came out just a tad louder than I had hoped. I looked around to make sure no one had heard. It was empty so I continued “You don't know anything!!”

I could practically feel him smile. My nostrils flared in annoyance, but somehow, I wasn't angry. 

“You're right. I don't know anything," he said honestly. My annoyance fizzled out and I was left with a content feeling I wasn't expecting. Was I giddy?  My stupid head was buzzing with him connected to it. I tried to force that feeling out. I hoped he couldn't tell. He didn't say anything about it if he could

 “You don't really want to be there do you?” his voice sounded gently in my head

“Okay,” I said frustrated again. Why was this guy questioning me. He should just mind his business at this point. ”who even are you?!” I asked louder now that my door was shut and I wasn't worried about someone hearing me talk to myself.

“Excuse me for not introducing myself,” He said like he was actually concerned that he hadn't shown me any manners. “I'm Charles Xavier.”

I looked around confused and almost amused. Baffled by this mans actions.

“And you…?” he asked carefully

“You didn't go through my memories to find out?” 

“No, I only do that when I absolutely need to.” He said his voice revealing to me that he was smiling again

“Well that's a surprise,” I say before taking a seat on my bed.

“I assure you, I wouldn't do that.” He says and somehow I believe him. 

I think for a second wondering whether there's a way to get him out of my head. I can't think of anything and for some reason I don't take a very long time to come up with something. Before I even register it It slips out

“May. That's my name.” I almost gasped when I heard myself. I hadn't meant to tell him.

“It's lovely to meet you, May,” He spoke. The way he spoke it though… made my heart slow and my mind quiet. Made me want to close my eyes and sigh. I swear the air in my room stilled. 

I cleared my throat “ahem, it's uh.. nice to meet you too.” There was another brief pause

“Well, May, I… I suppose I should say goodnight, As pleasant as this has been Im afraid our time is nearly up.” Charles said. I could feel it too, our connection losing strength as we got further from each other

“Yeah, goodnight Charles.” I said, for some reason, reluctantly. 

“Night,”

After that I could feel him disconnect from me. My mind felt fuzzy from the sudden break in contact. My thoughts reached out for him again but seemed to realize the distance and drew back. I shook myself out of my stupor and smacked my head a few times. 

I stood to take off my jacket, first emptying my pockets and unholstering a couple concealed weapons I kept on me just in case. Then, I sat at my desk and took out my hair. I took a few seconds to massage my head, trying to get the feeling I got when he left to go away. Then I dragged my hands down my face, thinking about how long the day had been. I sighed and went back to bed. I kicked off my shoes, not bothering to take off my pants or shirt. It would be an early morning tomorrow and usually I didn't have the time to get ready before I was needed. I pulled the thin sheets over me and rolled onto my stomach before putting my arm under the flat pillow to give my head some more support and closing my eyes to sleep. It was early for bed but I didn't have anything better to do and I found that sleep was the-

“Thank you” His reconnection startled me out of my thoughts as I felt the, not unpleasant pressure, return to my skull. It was dim and the message was soft and distant but I could still feel it. “For not ratting me out I mean. I know you could have done something to stop me and you didn't.”

I stayed quiet for a while. Was he trying to make me feel bad about betraying Shaw or did he actually mean it? What was he getting at?

“Sorry um… goodnight again.” He said. He must have understood my confusion and hesitance to answer. I felt him going to disconnect again but I didn't want him to. My brain cried at the thought of him leaving and I didn't think quick enough to stop myself.

“Wait no! I- well, you're welcome I guess. It's not….” I stumbled out before he could fully pull away. I couldnt think of how to explain myself, I didnt really feel like I should. Shaw would be absolutely livid if he knew I was talking to the enemy

“Im a little confused i think” I finished not knowing what else to say

I heard him breath out a puff of air and then speak “about what exactly?”

“Well, you I suppose.” I said honestly “and maybe just… everything.”

He hummed “that must be tiring.” he said understandingly and sympathetically. I rolled back on to my back and put my hands over my eyes. 

“It can be.” I said. I didn't really want to open up to Charles, and yet, at the same time I REALLY wanted to. I couldn't understand what this urge was. Maybe he was messing with my mind, convincing my subconscious to trust him. But would that really be so bad? Shaw was a bad person and if talking to Charles was going to help his team take Shaw down, maybe that was a good thing. Regardless I didn't feel like Charles would do that. Somehow I trusted him. More than I had been able to trust anyone, at least, since Lou. 

No matter how much I wanted to help Charles and no matter what this unexplainable reason for that was, I needed to survive, self preservation was my main goal. If that wasnt the case I would have died a long time ago. If I was going to communicate with Shaws enemies I had better be careful about it.

“Are you alright?” Charles’ voice said softly in my head. I thought for a second. I wasn't, no. But things could be worse. Shaw had not shocked me too terribly today. He didn't beat me either. I didn't feel hungry and I wasn't as exhausted from using my powers as much as I could be some times.

“Yeah. I'm alright.”

He hummed again. I could tell he was not convinced with that answer but he didn't push it.

“Thanks… for asking.” I said softly and still slightly confused. It had been a long time since someone had asked me that and seemed to actually care. It filled my heart with a warm feeling. I had seen this man for the first time in my life only an hour ago and he cared enough to ask me if I was ok. 

What was his angle though? If he just wanted to see where we were going for as long as he could he could have just done that, felt what direction we were heading in and then disconnected once he knew enough. But he was talking to me, asking me if I was ok. He didn't seem smart for that.

I waited, for a response, my eyes closing and sleep starting to come to me. He didn't wait much longer before speaking pulling me slightly awake again.

 “Sure love. Any time.” His voice became more muffled with the growing distance, I knew soon we wouldn't be able to communicate. hearing his words I couldn't help but smile in my drowsy state. I think maybe I even blushed, but I didn't care and I doubt he even knew. After that I must have fallen asleep because I don't remember feeling him detach from me.

 I slept so well that night that when I woke up I thought for a second that I was in my childhood room on a Saturday morning without a care in the world.

[justallihere]

HI ALLI I LOVE YOU 🖤🖤🖤

OKAY SO THOUGHTS

Liam running to Ridoc, interesting 👀. bUt I thought it was heart breakingly sweet that everyone was holding back Ridoc and Sawyer (Or in Imogen's case, a dagger to the throat but its on brand so ITS OKAY!!! We love her)

The ore felt like a red herring ngl. I was like "where is she going with this" it didn't do "much" in the grand scheme of things but the sense of despair was building. It gave a realistic feel to how outnumbered they truly were.

The reference to Rhi's signet was a knife to the heart, she truly came in clutch in the battle of Basgaith, she was so valuable in so many different ways

Vi asking Drake to take care of Mira felt like foreshadowing, so was it LOL?

Mama sorrengail coming in clutch was great bc i was so tired of the Sage/venin, figuratively jumping for joy when she killed the venin. THATS HER MF BABY!!!

I was reading in my bed, and in the lead up to Vi's decision, i was kicking my feet freaking out bc my prediction came true. I didn't want to say anything yesterday bc it would have been embarrassing if i was wrong

It's so funny bc after IF, i kept thinking it would have been more interesting to have Vi become the venin and not Xaden, the moral dilemma would have been interesting to read for her BUT i digress it didnt happen. I had a feeling you were going to make her become one in SITQ to save everyone she loves (at least i was right about some things in SITQ) but Xaden also joining her was perfect bc theyre bOTH INSANE LOL. This epilogue is going to be crazy

Will/are they going to be able to locate Rhi's body, or is this wishful thinking?

On another note, will there be spin-offs of the other couples/things you wrote but never got to release bc it didnt quite fit for the main plot?

I want to send you a gift basket and homemade cookies, let me know your fav LOL 🖤🖤🖤

HI THERE!!

I wouldn’t read too much into Liam and Ridoc (or do, if you want!) but I didn’t write it intending it to be A Thing, Liam’s just doing his best as always to keep his friends from getting themselves killed 🫡

The ore wasn’t a red herring necessarily, more just a way to show Violet’s desperation. Like of course she wasn’t going to be able to do anything worthwhile with it, but it was still a tool at her disposal and she had to try it, if nothing else, even if everyone was telling her it was stupid and reckless.

The Drake and Violet scene talking about Mira was more of me doing what I’ve been doing for a while, which is giving myself room to write spin offs within this world if I want to! I’ve done it with Sloane/Dain and Aaric/Tessa too so the options are all there if I decide to take it. But it’s not foreshadowing for anything in the epilogue.

The epilogue is short, about 1500 words, and takes place 6 months later. So I don’t want anyone to expect anything crazy plot wise (I’m all plotted out lmao), it’s more just to show that Xaden and Violet are together and happy! You guys may have to fill in some of the gaps with your own imagination 🫶🏻

Xaden and Violet are ride or die in the most literal sense. Absolutely deranged people. I love them.

Rhi’s body isn’t addressed in the epilogue so I’ll answer it here: no, they don’t find her, but they do (off page) still have a memorial for her.

I would love to do spinoffs at some point but my brain is tired right now and I need to take a step back from this world for a second. Hopefully in the future though!

Thank you thank you thank you 🩷🩷🩷

[thornswoggled]

my pilot chapter reaction in a nutshell

i really enjoyed this first glimpse into what TAMB might have been, but at the same time im grateful that we didnt get it. its a testament to how strong yamazakis commitment is to crafting a strong and compelling character-focused narrative that we went through seven (!) drafts to get where we're at. this first draft is tonally confused, unsure of its direction, and provides little room to wonder where the story might go from here. its almost perfectly suited to be a one-shot... which might be well and good when youre pitching ideas to a publisher, but feels strange compared to the long and winding narrative of character progression we currently have

so the initial backstory for chise being sold is a lot weaker. reads like a fanfic trope, feels like a "my mom sold me to one direction" story. i think its more important for chise to have put herself into a stupidly dangerous situation of her own accord - one day id like chise to fully appreciate the gravity of auctioning herself, seeing as she has only enough shame about it to avoid telling her peers. theres little room for speculation for this chise, who is sold to a loan shark to pay off debt. how does a japanese loan shark get in touch with a british mage, anyway?

this chise feels like... how should i put it? you know in middle school, those chapter books you would read about sassy girls going to like, vampire school and stuff? do you get what im going for here? shes sort of like that. she feels like the protagonist of a young adult novel series called something like "High School SUCKS 🩸🧛‍♂️... Volume One of the KNIFE to Meet You Chronicles 😈😈😈"

we also see that chise is enrolled almost immediately in the college. first, let me say that i love this proto-isaac we got here. i can only imagine yamazaki decided it was too troublesome to draw, or just felt out of place. which is a shame, because i like isaac quite a bit and i didnt pay him much mind when the college arc was first coming out because his design is such a nothing burger:

just as in the final story, chise is the odd one out at school - a witch attending classes for alchemists. but because she wasnt a sleigh beggy in this version (yamazaki says in interviews in the same book that chise went through a few different versions of what made her special, including being a 'specter in human form'), its unclear why shes here. this part is particularly striking to me, because...

... yes, i dont think you belong there either! because you already have a teacher, and he seems to be teaching you a lot already. more than elias is in the final story, anyway. this chise is competent and already fairly-self assured. is she here only for the social aspect? i do appreciate that elias doesnt trail her to school, but it doesnt mean much given that theres no explicit reason for her to be there

moving on to elias. first of all, yuck:

thanking god and also jesus that chise doesnt use such deferential terms for elias in the final version. blegh

this elias is uncanny valley. while chise has more attitude and sass in this version, elias makes up for it by being goofier and more amiable. theres still a sense of him being strange and off-putting, but it doesnt seem that this elias is the 'mild-mannered child pretending to be an adult' that yamazaki says our current elias is. i cant imagine chise has much to teach this elias on how to be human - if he struggles with emotions, its harder to tell. which makes sense, given that she also states that her initial draft of elias WAS originally human. i love the way yamazakis loose sketches for these panels end up making him much more expressive:

he has a sense of humor! can you IMAGINE him trying to make this joke land in the final story. chise would be like (jesse pinkman voice) "............. okay"

i cant help but wonder if, given several more decades of chises influence, maybe elias could somewhat embody this pilot personality

all that said, theres a significant difference in the dynamic between these two, and its that elias has never made any sort of indication that he intends for chise to be his wife:

i think this is a huge issue, and it provides little room for their relationship to grow in a way that feels compelling. in the final story, chise knows almost immediately what elias expects of her (or... what she THINKS he expects of her... she wont learn that his view of marriage is uninformed til later), and it colors how she regards him. which must be confusing for elias, considering he has little idea of the implication behind his words. elias is just as handsy in this draft as the final, but without the pre-established expectation of "youre gonna be my wife," coupled with elias not necessarily needing chise to teach him how to recognize his own emotions, this becomes a will-they-wont-they student-teacher romance that i frankly have zero interest in. not to yuck any yums but i just dont like that at all

despite it all, the heart of their dynamic still remains the same, and the goal of this series remains the same as the final:

even with badass punky chise and goofball elias as our protagonists, this is still a story about two people from opposite sides of the planet coming together and acknowledging their growing interest in one another. the desire to understand each other more is still at the core of these two. im just glad it was refined into what we got

and finally...

badass action girl knife-wielding chise you will always be famous. i love her so bad. thats all

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Ive made through chapters 4-7 today and good god, I feel like i had basically nothing to say about acotar as I was reading it but with this book theres so much to talk about for some reason, its wild. Truly, I did not realize how much I liked Feyre in the first book until I was under threat of losing her

Now, I will say that Feyre seems in-character so far, shes still the same woman but traumatized, but I am worried for her. Tamlin is a whole different story though, SJM might as well shoot him dead right in front of me for how thoroughly hes being character assassinated. Like, if Tamlin actually cares about Feyre as a person and not just in a douchy, possessive alphahole way, which he should because Tamlin was not that kind of guy previously, then he would force Feyre to train so she can defend herself if necessary, not forbid her from it. Even if he didnt want her to use her magical powers, surely he would make her practice with her knife or with a sword or even with her bow just to be safe, because hes not always gonna be there

I think his actions do continue to make sense if you look at them from his perspective, but I also maintain that he's doing a really bad job at responding to Feyre. But also, its so laughably obvious what sjm is doing by having Tamlin say shit like "you were stolen from me", shes trying to paint him as some objectifying asshole. Even Lucien calling her "Tamlin's bride" feels like its part of all this, and I know Ianthe is gonna turn out to be a traitor and a rapist at some point, so it really comes across as an attempt to villify the entire spring court for its association with Tamlin

Speaking of Lucien, I genuinely think part of the reason Feylin is doing so badly in this book is that his dynamic with Tamlin is completely different now. For some reason hes all like "oh, my High Lord" instead of "my good friend Tamlin", he suddenly cant say a word against him when he was talking to shit to him just a few months ago in-uinverse. Like, if their dynamic was the same as it was in acotar, Lucien wouldve probably been like "hey man, I know youre stressed and I get it, I know what its like to watch the love of my life get brutally murdered I dont know what its like to have her magically ressurected again but thats neither here nor there, but Feyre is clearly not happy being inside all day and you need a break, go take her out on a date in the woods, I'll stay here and take care of everything, dont even worry about it" or gotten him to comprise with Feyre or chill tf out or SOMETHING but because theres suddenly this rigid hierarchy in the spring court in order to make the night court look better

Speaking of the night court, Ive heard some stuff about it feeling very orientalist but it still managed to completely blindsight me with its badness. Feyre got fucking harem pants to wear, really? And a short-sleeved croptop, and no fucking shoes, probably because Rhys didnt want Feyre throwing shoes at him again. That was the one moment in this book that brought me genuine joy btw, I would read a thousand fanfics about her just throwing shit at him

Anyway, speaking of my guy (derogatory) Rhysand Nolastname, hes so incredibly annoying I dont even have any coherent thoughts about him right now, like, if I were to write down what I think of him I would just write "he fuckinh pisses me off" over and over again. Im actually a really big fan of edgy shadow bois, but only if theyre like, sad and angry and closed off, if theyre like Rhysand and theyre all flirty and teasing and cocky and shit, theyre just annoying and nothing else. And the romance has barely even started yet, I cant imagine how much worse the flirting is gonna get later. Not to mention all these desperate and obvious attempts by sjm to make him sympathetic and morally good now, its honestly pretty pathetic

Now Im gonna be real with you, I didnt get a lot of sleep yesterday and I can feel myself and the things Im writing getting less and less coherent, so Im just gonna hit you with the very last of my thoughts bullet point style

The fact that Amarantha apparently didnt actually go rogue and it was all part of Hybern's plan feels misogynistic ngl

Ianthe's entire character already feels so misogynistic and slutshame-y and she hasnt even assaulted anyone yet

Something about Mor bothers me, I cant quite put my finger on it but its there. I think I do like her for annoying Rhys though

God, Im gonna have so much to say about the Illyrians but for now, its awfully bold of Rhysand to be like "they wasted no time throwing themselves before her feet" when THATS WHAT HE DID

Thats it for now

[b1ueoff1ine]

"Do It"

Next

Avenger!Loki x Villain!Reader

Summary: When forced to kill you with a knife, Loki refuses to do it and instead stabs himself in the chest.

Warnings: HELLA ANGST. Enemies to Lovers. (Let me know if I missed any!)

A/N: eeeeee i'm excited about how this came out! also send me some requests! I have nothing to write! next part coming soon! anyone wanna be tagged?

WC: 1.2k

__

You flew around the side of the tall building, your wings lifting you effortlessly above the ground below.

But then you ran head first into the Avengers ship, snapping one of your wings.

Thor, the God of Thunder, flew with his hammer from where he was waiting below and grabbed your form with his wide arm span. It made your broken wing sting at the force of his grip.

All of the sudden you were on the ship and headed to the Avengers tower.

When you arrived, there was the whole of the Avengers crew in wait.

You squirmed in the grasp of the great Asgardian Thor. His brother was not far away, eyeing you with an emotion you were unfamiliar with.

"Let me go!" You hissed at Thor. He merely tightened his grip, making your wings hurt.

You were the winged villain, of whom was called the Fallen Angel, that had terrorized the city for ages. You were immortal like the Asgardian brothers, almost as strong.

But your strength was nothing compared to Thor's. He overpowered you in every way. That's what made you hate him so much.

You squirmed even more, but your wings hurt in doing so. So you stopped, no longer fighting his grip.

"Finally deciding to behave, are you?" Thor scoffed.

You gave one last resistant squirm before completely going still.

You gazed at Loki from where you were, curiosity filling your eyes. He cocked an eyebrow at you.

Your eyes said everything. They told him how you regretted what you had done and that you wanted to atone for what you had done. But no one would believe you. Nor him. He did have a villainous past, after all.

"Brother, let me take care of this." Loki spoke.

You had never met the Asgardian brothers before. You had seen them from afar, but never actually met them. You instantly found Loki's voice soothing and kind.

His voice sent chills down your spine. Thor seemed to sense the shivers, for he passed you off to Loki. Thor must have thought you were afraid of Loki.

You squirmed in Loki's hands, but this time you held back from using your true strength. You knew Loki was kind, but he was also ruthless. He could kill you if he wanted to. He used his magic to hide from you the path he took.

When you could see again, Loki was looking at you through a darkened glass panel. You were sitting in a large cell, nothing but white walls and a large glass panel separating you from the rest of the Avengers tower.

He seemed to be staring you down through the glass.

"LOKI!" You screeched. "Let me OUT of here!"

"I can't do that. You're a danger to New York." He replied, looking smug as ever.

"I'll get out of here- I'm warning you." You sneered

"I dont doubt that. Your strength exceeds mine." He said. You knew what he said was true. You were stronger. But that didnt mean you would kill him when you escaped. You closed your eyes. He was... different than the others. He was kinder. At least, kinder to you. He used a soft and warm tone when speaking to you, and he never, ever, raised his voice around you.

It made you curious. But it also drew you in. You couldn't resist his charms. He was different than every other Avenger.

You could tell he was new to the Avengers- you could hear everything that happened in the tower with your enhanced hearing.

You often overheard conversations between the Avengers speaking of how they didnt trust him and that he had only been with them a short time.

You opened your eyes as you heard the scuff of Loki's feet on the ground. He was turning around and walking away, shaking his head.

__

Loki walked away from the prisoner, silently shedding tears. He had watched every movement the Fallen Angel made, longing to be in there with her.

Ever since he first learned of her and saw her beauty, he wanted her.

He wanted her so bad.

It was painful to think about her suffering. So he didn't do it often.

He considered letting her loose and claiming it wasnt him. But she wouldn't understand his true intentions. So he left, his thoughts filled with the winged villain.

But his era of calmness was short lived. For he had orders to execute her at sundown.

"But why do I have to do it? She could kill me before I even got the chance." Loki said, just thinking of all the possible ways to get out of killing her.

"She has nowhere near the strength you have, I think you'll be able to. And besides, how else are you going to prove your loyalty to us?" Tony said, staring Loki in the eyes.

"Oh, please. Like I could defeat the Goddess of Flight."

"Goddess of Flight, eh? No match for the God of Mischief."

"Pfft. I think you're confused." Loki scoffed. "Its the other way around. I, even with all my magic, am nothing compared to her strength."

"If you say so. But she'll be contained, don't you worry about her killing you. There is no one else to do it- and no one else has to prove their loyalty."

"Fine." Loki sighed. A billion thoughts raced through his brain.

I have to kill her. I cant not kill her- the team would most likely sentence me to life in a God-proof cell. But I couldn't live with myself if I killed her.

I have to. That was his last thought before he entered the cell and summoned his signature glowing green blade.

It was time.

__

Loki raised the glowing green blade above his head, ready to strike.

He stared into the Fallen Angel's eyes as he waited for a reaction.

None came. Only a single tear, rolling down her face.

"Do it. " She snarled at him, staring him directly in the eyes. "Kill me. Go ahead. I'm begging you- kill me."

That's when he knew. That's when he knew he couldn't do it.

She was begging him for death- something he could never provide her.

So instead of bringing the glowing green blade down on her, he instead let his arm fall half way till it rested in front of his heart.

A single tear fell from his face.

The crew was all standing in front of the glass, waiting for him to make the kill.

But then he plunged the blade into his own chest.

__

[vampykween]

HI MICCC :3 hope you are well!! i’ve been brainrotting about ur singledad!simon and here’s a list of scenarios nd thoughts that’s been plaguing my mind

what if poppy got into a fight at school? the fight was short because you pulled them apart almost instantly - but she still got her hair pulled and a scratch on her cheek, and poppy knows from simon that fighting isn’t the best option, but when simon answers your call and hears poppy’s crying in the background, how would he react!!

the way kids like to overshare and have no filter, i can see poppy casually telling you stuff like “yeah my daddy has no friends” or “daddy doesn’t talk much”.. and then when simon comes to pick her up, maybe you two have a small convo and you accidentally slip up and mention what poppy’s told you about him.. then he looks and poppy and you like 🤨what else did you hear..

Oklfldldg how does simon do father daughter nights! is he the type to play competitively in games with her or does he always let her win? does he like taking her out to eat or does he prefer cooking at home :3

AAAA okay last one i promise:3 how do the other kids react to poppy’s behemoth of a dad? are they scared? do they think he’s a mafia boss of some sort? or do they find him incredibly awesome and think he’s a giant from those action movies

(ofc u don’t have to do all of them if u don’t want to OR if u don’t want to spoil anything for the series, just some thoughts! take ur time<3)

hi bby! i am very well right now actually and this made things even better, i could kiss your brain truly mwah <3

i will be saving these ideas because this gave me much needed inspiration and motivation for this series. also sorry if i didnt go as in depth with these, but the longer they sat in my drafts i realized i was never going to remember to finish oops! also i hope you dont mind i will be stealing the oversharing poppy idea if fits perfectly with what i have going for part 3 hehe

✴︎ I feel like simon would be fuming, at whom he’s not even sure. I imagine that some kid said something rude and snarky to her and she couldn’t take it anymore and popped on them, and you’re shocked because poppy is normally such a sweet little girl. Simon would definitely hug poppy close because seeing his baby hurt cuts like a knife, takes her out for ice cream and then chides her because omg! has she lost her mind fighting at school, but also he’s a tiny bit proud she’s a fighter like him. 

✴︎No because Poppy would most definitely do this, in her head she’s just rattling off mundane things about her father, but you’re sporting a frown because there’s a tiny part of you that hates the idea of Simon being alone with just poppy. Not that it’s any of your business though (you would definitely have to remind yourself of that).

Simon is groaning at his daughter’s perceptive nature and how willing she is to share every thought she has. When you waved him over to where you were during school pick up, Simon was praying something bad hadn't happened.  “Mr. Riley, err Simon, sorry.” you correct yourself quickly at the raised eyebrow look he gives you. “Is everything okay… like at home?” you’re mentally face palming at the way you blurted out the very intrusive question. You sense his shock by the question by the almost imperceptible widening of his eyes. “Why-” he looks down at Poppy who’s swinging her tiny hand in his, not paying any attention to the conversation you two are having, “What did she say to you?” You wring your hands nervously, the older man’s deadpan stare makes  you feel like you’re in trouble for some reason. “Poppy mentioned to me that you don't have any friends or talk much to anybody. I don't mean to pry, really I swear. Kids will tell you anything, i'm sure you know. After what happened with the family tree thing and-” You're cut off by Simon’s large hand settling on your shoulder, clearly an attempt to calm you down and halt your rambling, but it has the opposite effect and all you can think about is how enormous his hands are and the weight of it grasping you.  “No need to apologize, Poppy talks my ear off about you. I’d be surprised if she didn’t talk to you about things. And you don't need to worry about me, luv. Im fine being alone, i've got my little petal and that’s enough f’me.” There’s an aura of wistfulness in his words, that makes you want to push him for a more truthful answer, but you chide yourself at your thoughts. You barely know this man. Whatever longing you think is in his voice may as well be a projection of your own sadness; a failed long term relationship will do that to a person. 

✴︎Definitely loves to play games but does not let Poppy win because he wants her to learn how to lose and be okay with it. (You would applaud this btw, this is every teachers’ dream. Trust me on that). Their father-daughter nights also will be movie nights with as many sweets as poppy desires because Simon won't bend to anything but her little puppy dog eyes. I feel like even though he’s not the best cook ever Simon would go out of his way to cook Poppy’s favorites for her. Especially like on a saturday morning and wakes her up with breakfast in bed because why not spoil his little girl if he can. 

✴︎I think it's a mix of both really. I imagine Poppy goes to some nice fancy school because why not lol. And some of Poppy's classmates have snooty rich parents who turn their noses up at Simon so their kids are kinda wary of him too. I think Poppy would hype up her dad so much at recess time. Telling stories of how he used to be a ‘super cool soldier’ and all the other kids would be staring in awe like omg your dad is so cool, my dad just does people’s taxes lol.

[daily-midori-posting]

Shadow & Claw (and why you NEED to read this book[s?])

Im gonna do a bunch of spoilers so just uhh read the book and THEN come here and read my super cool ideas please?

There are many, many reasons this book is excellent. When im reading, one of my (personal) favorite things is worldbuilding. For some reason, seeing the inner complexities of an unfamiliar but consistent world is just so fascinating for me, and Wolfe DELIVERS. The sci-fi/ fantasy fusion environment is so engrossing, and trying to reason out what Severian is actually seeing is consistently entertaining. But thats not the only reason that this book stuck with me. There are two scenes that are truly very special to me, because they feel to me so HUMAN in a way a lot of other media i interact with doesnt. And HUMAN in such a pinpoint accurate way i feel like it calls me out. I need to write this for myself, because i fear otherwise this book wont leave me. I doubt it will even if i do.

The first 100 or so pages of this book set up Severian's background and conflict. As an apprentice torturer he is assigned to care for a chatelaine, Ostensibly a form of noble women. She is sent down to the torturer's dungeon as a result of conflict between a rebel and the king, and so although she is innocent she currently sits as a pawn in said dungeon in an attempt to lure out said rebels. She believes that she will be let out when its over. Severian knows better but doesnt say. This is the conflict that comes to define Severian and the chatelaine's awkward relationship. Severian falls in love and comes to greatly value the time he spends with her, but also knows how this will end. This culminates in a scene i empathize with in a way i havnt really seen otherwise. The chatelaine is being brought to be tortured. Severian and the head torturer are to bring her up. The whole walk, Severian (or the Severian in the future writing this) thinks on how to save her from the awful fate about to befall her. Hell use his knife, hell kill his friends. hell brake her out. Itll be a rough time, but its worth it. She is put in the device. He tells her that it will kill her in 30 days. He lets her kill herself to avoid that slow creeping death. This action gets him expelled, and so in the end he still loses his friends and home. It was for nothing, and he knew that.

Severian always knew more. She may have been older, and wiser, and had more knowledge. But Severian always knew more. He knew how this was going to end. And he pariticipated in it anyways. The cognitive dissonance with the scene in which he contemplates her freedom only to kill her is an example of something i so often feel i do. Its something ive never seen put into writing well. Its beautiful.

The second scene that made me fall in love with this book is much later. And really, its two scenes but you cant have one without the other. The first is a fascinatingly surreal piece of worldbuilding, and its done very well. Severian consumes something which gives him every memory that the chatelaine he loved had. And this recreates her, in a sense. Severian gains ALL of her lived experiences, and he becomes her. We are no more than what we have lived, and so Severian is now two people, at least for a while. He describes with lurid detail how he and the chatelaine love and interact and are together, not as one mind but as two now one, and that it didnt make sense and that they didnt care. It was also beautiful. This is not the scene that stuck with me, however much i liked it. No, my favorite scene in the book comes later as a result of that. As time passes, the chatelaine's memories fade. Severian becomes Severian again, more or less. But as he sleeps in a dungeon in the palace that the chatelaine grew up in, he experiences a "state posing as sleeping". This is not a dream. The chatelaines memories are the only ones present during this time. And so she begins to wander around the palace, baffled as too where she is. She describes the environment differently, given she understands it in a way Severian does not. She looks at her hands. They are wrong. She comes to the lock and realizes shes in the dungeon (she does not call it the dungeon) when suddenly. ... Severian looks around. There is a little girl there. She asks where the women went. She tells Severian that she knew there was a women by the way she walked, which was all she could see in the dark. Severian realizes what has happened. He leaves.

I cant explain how much that scene spoke to me. It is so BRILLIANTLY crafted, this smooth transition (no pun intended) from Severian to the chatelaine's perspective is so well done, the mild confusion but not outright horror as the reality of the situation has not set in for the chatelaine, the realization and acknowledgement but no direct confirmation by Severian. her hands. She just couldnt understand what was wrong with her hands. Sometimes i wish my self to be like the chatelaine, but in know myself to be like Severian. Knowing, but never changing, never acting.

I have a lot of thinking to do. This book makes me think. And i love it

[jemmo]

ok. here’s some of my immediate, rambly reactions to eps 3 and 4 of t8s.

first off, i was kinda nervous the entire day. it’s been a while since ive had butterflies like this waiting for a show to air, most recently was the second season of utsukushii kare, but the level it was today was rivalling waiting on a friday for a new bad buddy ep. and the fact this show managed to put me into that state within less than a week is frankly insane, and shows just how down bad i am for it. all that to say, i so soooooo didnt this want this to be a case of me overinflating how good those first 2 eps only for the follow up to not encapsulate the same feelings. all signs were pointing to that not being the case, but still, when you hyperfixate, you kinda get nervous hoping that thing lives up to everything youve built it up to be. and these eps absolutely did that. they didnt just live up to expectations, but are managing to give me scenes and story beats and emotions i just cant predict at this point, and i love that. just how like this budding relationship feels new and unpredictable to jihyun and jaewon, the show is like that for me to watch, and it does wonders for giving me the same butterflies the two are feeling.

but with that unpredictability comes a kind of uncertainty, not knowing whats gonna happen at any turn, and i cant express how much i adore that about these two eps. with the kind of story theyre building, with jaewon’s mental health struggles and his past, with jihyuns nerves and growth in an unfamiliar environment, itd be so easy to make their relationship a shared place of comfort and certainty and familiarity for each other. that place of refuge. and while i feel like that’s what it’ll eventually become, i love that still, in these early stages, the relationship feels so uncertain and almost not guaranteed. it makes you still hang onto every look and touch and word even though theyve already kissed. something about it doesnt feel pre-determined, which is a feeling i get with so many other bl’s when you know, a majority of the time, they’ll get together and have a happy ending. that doesnt feel guaranteed here (even though i pray for that to be the case). instead, it feels like im watching two individuals that are actually having to make a conscious effort in order for this relationship to become something. they have to work for that certainty. and that kind of knife’s edge, it could break at any moment, hanging on every interaction is packed with that specific kind of nervous exhilaration that is so fucking accurate and true to the start of relationship. i seriously cant describe how perfectly they managed to encapsulate that feeling and convey it with such authenticity. its actually ridiculous. seeing those moments, when they’re talking and skirting so closely around the topic of what exactly they are, when then their fingers brush and you are begging for one of them to make the tiniest of moves, to take hold, to make that kind of a statement no matter how small or silent it is, it makes your heart race, bc its new and unknown and in that moment its like your insides are screaming, begging you to embed this sensation into your veins bc you dont know when the next night like this, when the midnight chill and the dusky sky and the hints of alcohol in your system will mix right and make you feel so hedonistically giddy as you do right now at the feeling of that person by your side. and the way they both chase that sensation, how visibly happy it makes them, a craving for each other and that shared thrill only they know, it is just so unbelievably intoxicating to watch. 

i am a person that struggles to sit down and focus. im watching tv but im also knitting, im playing a game but also listening to a podcast. im that person that has to overwhelm my senses to feel sated. this is the first time in a while that ive sat down to watch something and nothing stole my focus, i wasnt distracted, my mind didnt wander. i wasnt concious of the other people walking around my house or the traffic outside or the temperature of the room, i was just fully engrossed. i let every ebb and flow of the scenes and story take me on this path it was guiding me down. and again, thats how they feel. when jihyun and jaewon are alone together, everything else fades away to this dull buzz of background nothingness, they become engrossed in each other, and just as the story pulls me, they pull each other. there’s a constant back and forth, an exchange of setting and challenging boundaries that i adore. when youre getting into a scene, you dont know whos gonna be the one pushing the other. you have jihyun being more forward by the han river, teaching jaewon to draw, then you have jaewon going after jihyun at the library, you have him meeting jihyun after work only for jihyun to ask him to stay and have a drink. its like with every interaction, theyre both asking ‘is this ok?’ and the other asks ‘can we go further?’. i wanna make a whole other post about the nature of their gap in age and experience and all that brings and also how the expectations it brings are subverted, but for now i just wanna say how great it is that there is this balance, and especially that jihyun is allowed to be confident and brave and forward with jaewon, and jaewon is allowed to be reserved and giddy around jihyun. those are experiences so often reserved for the elder and the younger in a relationship, respectively, so to let jihyun be the leader and jaewon the follower, swept up by his feelings and attraction is so refreshing and plays so well into the kind of growth we’re gonna see from these characters and that they need, jihyun growing out of this shy country mouse persona to be more forward and bold, and jaewon being allowed to drop his mask of bravado and letting him be a young person that doesn’t have to be in control of everything. we see that one of his main pressures is the concept of the future, of how simultaneously wide and full of possibilities but also narrow and predetermined that future is for him. he talks about being afraid to lose the comfort of a microcosm like the army of school, even though they are places where he isnt necessarily happy. and then in comes jihyun, something not predetermined, something unexpected, and he takes control of jaewons future in a way by opening up this new path for him. he’s taking some of that stress from jaewon’s shoulders by being an equal and responsive partner in this journey, and offers the chance for jaewon to have something certain in his future, only if he too will work for it. only too if he tries something new, realises that its not too late, and that the anxiety and fear and uncertainty that comes with it may be worth it. bc it may not be guaranteed, but to try instead of never knowing is the only way he can make this possible.

tldr; this show is breath-taking, and im gonna be emo about it for a very long time

[dandydanthelion]

Hii i love your apprentices :00 can you tell me more about them if you don't mind? Or link me to somewhere where you've talked about them ? :]

oh god i am not good at writing but i'll try my best

i have 3 apprentices and not all of them are equally fleshed out and the ref sheets are old, sorry about that

First up is Zaire! i use him mainly for julian's route (and muriel too sometimes). he grew up as the eldest brother to his 3 siblings. he was the golden child and he never really grew out of his need to be "perfect" and great at everything. so he sometimes overwork himself. his father is a magician, mainly uses his magic in culinary (like mazelinka), and thats where zaire learned his magic from. his mother was a merchant and both of his parents weren't home for much so zaire had to take care of his siblings. and that made him a great cook and an even better caretaker.

he has a journal and has a beautiful way with words so he occasionally write poems here and there. his sense of fashion is anything that is black gold and red, refuses to wear other than those colors. hes quite high maintenance and spends way too much money hoarding jewelleries.

for his overall personality, he could be quite the intimidating one at first glance because he has a resting bitch face but he's actually pretty good at socializing and he's pretty charming once you actually get to talk to him. once you know him well enough, you'll find out that he can be snarky and smug. hes pretty confident in what he does and how he carries himself.

like asra, he mainly uses water magic. his fursona is a wolf (the Alexander archipelago wolf to be exact) and his familiar is a flying fox. this is not in his reference sheet but hes an ENFJ.

heres a lil bonus design i made for julian's reversed ending

next up is Aries!

TW: mentions of SA and abuse!!! (in the indented paragraph)

they were actually my first apprentice back in 2020 and i originally used them for julian's route. tho i basically changed their whole personality from their 2020 version. i love to switch up my apprentices for different routes but aries is mainly for lucio's route for now.

in my previous post of their dynamic with lucio, as much as a shitpost that was, its still pretty much accurate for their personality. they can be quite dense but yk thats okay. they're optimistic and easy-going. everyone assumes theyre a cinnamon roll and could never do anything wrong but theyre that knife cat meme. kinda like asra but more chaotic and just a lil morally grey (be gay do crime). also theyre unhinged when theyre seriously pissed off.

now im gonna talk about heavier topics (that i mentioned in the tw) in this next paragraph.

growing up, they didnt really have the best childhood. when they were a child, they had to witness their adoptive parents fight and it was because of their mother. in their previous life, they had a (supposedly) romantic relationship but their (ex) boyfriend was abusive and aries had a hard time learning that those abusive behaviors werent normal (they did grew up with a mother who was an abusive wife). unfortunately, those abuse led up to SA and much worse.

even in those first 3 years after being resurrected and them not having their memories from their previous life, traces of their insecurities that were caused by their past can still be seen.

they were originally a gardener that also sold their plants, and one magic plant after another is what got them interested in magic. though their magic is actually fire related. their hobby is tailoring and they actually embroidered the flower pattern on their white shirt.

i didn't write it on the ref sheet, but i do intend on making them arospec! lucio (or any other m6, depending on the route u choose) is actually their first love.

their fursona is a rabbit (the lop rabbit to be exact) and their familiar is a draco aka the flying lizard.

i havent drawn their Lucio's upright ending design and their devil design yet but i'll do it... eventually.

and lastly, is dahlia!

now im so sorry for this but i dont use her that often (you can probably tell) because lucio refuses to leave my head and julian doesnt know how to get out so they're both stuck there. i use her for asra, nadia, and portia's route.

i havent really thought much about its bg story but anw here's what i got

out of the three apprentices, dahlia had the best childhood. it used to travel a lot in its early 20s, occasionally performing in taverns. she plays the lute and has a low and beautiful, warm voice which she only uses sometimes because shes shy. she doesnt perform in her first 3 years after being resurrected because of her social anxiety which the whole resurrection and amnesia thing dont help.

it is very smart and quick-witted but oblivious social cues. she keeps accidentally getting herself into trouble which she has no struggle getting out of. in her previous life, she got interested with magic from all of the magicians she met during her travels then she ended up dating one but thats another story. her magic is mainly water related.

her middle name means "full moon" and her moon earrings actually match up with the current phase of the moon. she doesn't really know how to... fashion so she just tends to wear a lot of black. its quite messy and unorganized so basically that combined with asra's messiness is just not good. overall shes very sweet, quite reserved, so easy to fluster gal. shes gremlin coded but has the opposite personality of a gremlin.

i didnt put its mbti there, but its an INFP. both her fursona and her familiar is a rat.

okay i think im done, i hope this isnt too much but

@sasha-is-annoying, tysm for the ask!!

[yoonyia]

I'm going to draw ender as a dad and no one can stop me

he is aroace but he loves his wife a lot

he calls her his wife but they're just co parents that screw eachother sometimes

ender is aroace in the way that he feels no romantic or sexual attraction but if someone wants him to show physical or romantic affection he does cause he really dosent care

he knows how to walk in high heels

this isn't my idea but my friend kept asking me if novinha was smoking hot and the more I think about it she probably is

ender and novinha are like total opposites and everyone is confused how they even agreed to get married

everyone knows that novinha was the one that wanted to marry him and ender is just along for the ride

ender is generally liked in lustainia

ender is a great cook but he can't sew at all

novinha is competitive about her cooking and she hates that ender is often times objectively better at cooking complicated dishes then her but enjoys the food

I want them to be healthy and loving as possible ok let me be

novinha has a lot of needs and I feel like ender is the only person in the universe to ever meet all of them

and even he eventually falls short when something out of his control happened

AND LIKE THIS MAN IS 60 AND HE WENT AND PICKED UP HIS 40 YEAR OLD CHILD FROM A TREE

gosh I love ender

I dont like this headcanon of mine but for me I have this really strong need to stick to the Canon and make sense of the things are said in the Canon so

OK SO WHEN HE WAS IN THE SHIP AND THIS GIRL WAS TRYNA FLIRT WITH HIM AND HE WAS LIKE "I admit I was attracted to her, but I simply cannot love someone" AND LIKE I KNOW ITS NOT HOW AROACE EXACTLY WORKS BUT I THINK SOME OF HIS RELATIONSHIP TOWARDS ATTRACTION WAS FUCKED UP CAUSE OF TRAUMA AND THE IDEA OF "I don't deserve to feel love and happiness" AND THAT JUST MADE HIM LOOSE ALL INTEREST AS A HALF CONSCIOUS TRAUMA RESPONSE

LIKE I THINK HE NEVER HAD ANY DESIRE TO GO THROUGH WITH HIS VAGUE ATTRACTION (he himself says that several times) BUT I THINK THE REASON HE LOST ALL INTEREST IS BECAUSE HE JUST DIDNT THINK HE DESERVED IT AND OVER TIME HIS BRAIN JUST LOST THE CHEMICAL RESPONSE

I KNOW THIS IS PROBABLY HIGHLY INACCURATE AND IT FEELS SO MUCH BETTER TO JUST CONSIDER ENDER IN EXILE AS FANFICTION THAT NEVER HAPPENED BUT I NEED IT TO MAKE SENSE ANYWAYS

miro and grego looks exactly the same

both of them are offended at this fact

no one asked me to share these headcanons I just had too

I haven't even shared half of my headcanons

I shared like 3%

this series and jekyll and hyde is my life and I'm not happy about it

more people need to talk about virolomi

AND ALSO SURIYAWONG???

NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT THE I LEND YOU A KNIFE LINE????

SERIOUSLY?

AND GIVE MORE CONTENT FOR PETRA

LIKE THE WOMEN IN THIS STORY IS AWESOME WHY DO PEOPLE TALK ABOUT MIRO MORE THEN JANE

SISTER CORALTA? (I forgot how to spell her name but you know who I'm talking about) SHES LIKE MY 5TH FAVORITE CHARACTER??? AFTER ENDER VAL PETER AND JANE

LIKE I FOUND 0 STUFF TALKING ABOUT HER

I WAS SO UPSET

as a person who dosent get faith her character was so interesting even when I had no idea what she was saying

LIKE THATS GOOD WRITING PEOPLE

I CARED ABOUT HER WITHOUT RELATING TO HER

AKDJDOSNDIJEJD

I'm in a car and I just woke up from an hour and a half long rode trip nap I'm so sorry if I made no sense