#also the idea his journey to improve his own image goes from

[utsuboarchive]

it's the best we'll get in canon / official art but i do like that azul is... just a little thicker / chubbier in mer form. again it's subtle, but it's there.

[lulupen2023]

My very first BellDom Fic 10/23

Summary:

Do you want to meet a Matthew who sees conspiracy everywhere (oh wait, this is not big news!) and is so fond of his trolley that he treat it like a sort of puppy? Do you want to meet a Dominic in love with… himself (and with Matt, too, of course!)? And do you want to meet a Chris who wants to prove to the world he's the most masculine guy ever… but is unavoidably attracted by every… female hobby? This is what you'll find in this story, among lots of BellDom and… craziness!

Summary of the chapter: Matthew gets the wrong idea. Chris gets the wrong idea. Dominic always listens to Matt, so he gets the wrong idea, too..

Before Reading : This is an extremely absurd chapter, from the first word to the last one. I just wanted to warn you.

Anyway, the most worrying thing is that I'm strangely proud of that. It took me a while, but it turned out just like I wanted it to be, so... I guess I'm pretty satisfied with that.

No, thanks, don't bother. I can find a madhouse on my own! ;)

Chapter X: I have a terrible presentiment

~It's not easy to figure out who is the most bizarre dude: Chris, who seems to embody all the 'Perfect housewife' columns in the whole world, or the receptionist who is listening to him with extreme interest, almost hanging on every of his words.

Truth is that, after staring at the clock at least fifty times in a minute, sick of all the waiting, Chris has got up from the sofa and taken a walk around the hall until he has ended up chatting lively with the receptionist on duty.

So, in the last twenty minutes (the ones Matthew supposed would be just *a couple*), he has enjoyed himself suggesting the man a couple of his successful recipes, advising him about how to get rid of even the most persistent stains, how to care about the plants in the best way ever and he has even filled him in on the most popular centre-pieces at the moment.

And now he's also giving him some advices in order to improve the hotel corporate image.

Due to all this information, it's easy to figure out that Chris is not only keen about fashion magazines, but he doesn't disdain either the ones about house, furniture, kitchen, sewing, cross-stitching , paper-folding, gardening and do-it-yourself... and he also has a thing for the gossip ones.

Basically, Chris happens to like whatever comes from a news kiosk!

"Gee, not even my wife knows so many things!" the receptionist comments enthused.

"Let's say that during our journeys I have plenty of time to read." Chris explains. "By the way, there's still a thing I need to tell you. Bearing in mind that while I really like the vases you have picked up, their disposition is awfully wrong, it doesn't highlight the room. Plus, I don't think that the colours you have chosen for the flower arrangement are good enough. If I were you I'd head to warmer colours, such as red, orange with just a glimpse of..." Chris goes on, but he cuts himself off, as soon as he hears the elevator open up and some voices come from it, two very familiar voices.

And when he foresees the figures of Matt and Dom reflected by a mirror, his doubts become certainty.

"Just a glimpse of what?" the receptionist exhorts him to speak, as he's trustfully taking notes, just like he has done with all the previous topics, almost as if that detail was a matter of life or death.

"Of course, I know that tonight there's the football match, buddy, like hell I'm going to miss it! As soon as our show is done, I'm going to enjoy it, lying on a sofa and gulping down beer, a lot of beer!" Chris exclaims out loud, on purpose, in order to make Dom and Matt hear him.

And to improve the effect, he also gives a playful but also manly pat on the receptionist's shoulder as he looks at him kind of puzzled, although he tries his best to disguise it.

Truth is that Matt and Dom utterly ignore their friend cares also about that kind of stuff. Since they have made fun of him for ages the very first time they caught him while he was flipping through a fashion magazine with a bewitched face, now the guy is trying his best to hide the rest from them, in order to defend his reputation of 'macho' that he's more than proud of.

In the meantime, Dom and Matt look at each other in disbelief, very doubtful.

"Don't you have the strange feeling that he made us hear him on purpose?" Matt exclaims.

"I was about to tell you the same. It's so damn obvious that he was talking about something else, before we got here. Something he wants to hide from us" Dominic realizes.

"Uhmm... yeah. Plus, there's something that doesn't convince me at all. Who is that receptionist? Why is he talking with him? But mostly, is he a receptionist for real? I'm not so sure about it, maybe he's a member of another band, a band that Chris aims to..."Matt suspects.

"Wow, Bells, what a brilliant deduction! After this, you can even wear a horrible raincoat, match it with an even more horrible hat, smoke a pipe and talk to me saying 'Elementary, Howard' !" Dom comments, looking at him with sincere admiration.

"Yes, I could... but that raincoat and that hat are anything but horrible!" the other protests.

"Don't tell me you're planning to wear that stuff! I hope you won't do it for real!" the blonde starts getting worried.

"Why not? You often dress up as Spiderman, so I can dress up as Sherlock Holmes!" the brunet strikes back, but Dom can't talk anymore, because Chris is about to reach them.

"Hey, you two, it's about time! I was almost considering the option of playing all alone tonight!" Chris exclaims, sitting on a sofa with them.

It's more than obvious that he has said that playfully, but not for Matthew, because his mind elaborates that information in a drastically wrong way.

"Nice plan, no doubt about that. Anyway, if you really did such a thing, then, at the next show, just in order to get even, Matt and I should play all alone!" Dominic strikes back.

Although he has also said that very playfully, this time it's Chris' mind that achieves that answer... and jumps to terrifying conclusions.

It seems that the drummer is the only carefree member of the band and he's also the one who breaks the awkward silence that has fallen, talking about anything.

As they all are busy chatting, Chris can't help noticing the way the receptionist is looking at him, a mixture of eagerness and trust.

Chris knows very well the detail he's yearning for.

"Sorry, guys, I have to deliver the keys of my room, be right back." he walks away with an excuse.

"But... he had already delivered them, hadn't he?" Dom points out, with a confused expression.

"I've already realized everything, but now I don't have time enough to explain that to you. Anyway, do you remember that speech about reverse psychology?" Matt asks him.

"Of course I do, how could I forget it? You overloaded my head with that!" the other rolls his eyes.

"Good. Now it's time to use it. Listen to what I'll say and then try to play my game!" the brunet warns him.

"Ok. Hey, wait a moment. You're not already using it on me, are you?" the blond gets suspicious.

"Damn you, Dom! It's not that you must always mean the contrary of what I say! We're gonna use it as soon as Chris comes back. I already know what topic we must appeal to, trust me." the other winks at him.

"I always trust you, you should know that." the blond smiles.

If they weren't in the middle of a hall, surrounded by people, that conversation would turn into something else.

In the meantime, Chris has reached the receptionist.

"Just a glimpse of what?" he repeats, as a broken record.

"Wisteria. End of the speech. And don't you dare tell those two about that!" Chris threatens him in a whisper, pointing quickly at his friends who are just too busy chatting, or rather plotting and making moony eyes to each other, to notice that.

The receptionist gives him his word and Chris leaves relieved.

Seeing him come back, Matt and Dom quit talking.

Dom observes Matt, curious to know what his plan is.

"You know, buddy, Dom and I were making a kind of survey..." Matt pursues.

< Uh? Were we really doing such a thing? > Dom wonders puzzled, but he doesn't dare cut him off.

"Really? About what?" Chris wonders, sitting back with them.

"About our instruments: which is the easiest one to play? No offence, mate, but the winner is just the bass!"

Chris stares at him as if he had stabbed him in the back.

"Matt is right. Think about it, when you came in our band you didn't even play the bass, and yet it took you just a while to learn how to play it very well." Dom adds, realizing finally where Matt is leading that speech up to.

"Well, it's just because I'm very good in that and I also learn things quickly. Plus, the bass is my life, I just had still to find that out back to those days..." Chris states.

"No, it's just because it's a very easy instrument to play, anyone else would manage to do that in a short time." Matt insists, cold and impassive.

"But..." Chris mumbles almost shocked.

"So, in case that you became sick..." Dominic goes on.

"Or in case that, for strange reasons why, * you felt like dumping us *..." Matthew adds, lingering on the last words on purpose.

"It wouldn't change much for us. Beyond the very deep friendship that bounds us, as we have found you, Chris, we would find many others in a heartbeat to replace you!" Dom goes on, with the same coldness that Matthew is showing to him, even with a shrug, almost as if what he's talking about wasn't that important.

< Beyond the very deep friendship that bounds us?! Why? Should I still consider those two as 'friends' of mine? > Chris asks himself, more and more devastated.

"It was just a survey, of course!" Matthew reaffirms.

"Yeah, a purely hypothetic speech. C'mon, do you really think that such a thing could happen for real?" Dominic adds, patting his shoulder.

< And they even dare ask me that?! If it's how things are, well... I dread it will happen soon, very soon... > Chris thinks and then he gets up.

"Excuse me now, I have to make my daily phone-call." he informs them, drawing his mobile out and leaving the room.

"Did you notice the way he looked at us? It's working so well, we're making him change his mind for sure!" Matthew rejoices.

"And you were just marvellous when you reminded him of the beginning... that was such a ingenious move, I hadn't thought of it!" he congratulates with Dominic.

"I guessed it was appropriate. And judging by his face, it seems it worked well." the blond smiles, overjoyed due to his compliments.

"Now you must explain to me what you think you realized!" he questions him.

"Ok, but, please, remember, I don't think. I have absolute certainty!" the other points out.

"Let's listen to it, then!"

"Ok. What did Chris say when he went back to the reception?"

"He said that he had to deliver his keys... but why is that so important?" Dom frowns.

"Elementary, Howard. It's important, because when he came back to us, he still had the keys in his pocket!"

"Damn, I didn't notice that. So, it was just an excuse..."

"Exactly. And do you remember how he pretended to talk about something else when he saw us coming?"

"Yeah, but... why did he do that?"

"Elementary, Howard. He has got a very detailed plan. We were wrong; he doesn't want to be part of another band. Just think about it. He said that he was ready to get on the stage all alone. On a musical level, he's the most complete of the trio, because he can play both the bass and the drums, and the guitar, too. Plus, he can sing too, sometimes I make fun of him, but truth is that he can sing very, very well." Matt comments.

"Oh, my God! So, he wants a new career as a soloist!" Dom figures out, frightened.

"Elementary, Howard. And I bet that that man is a fake receptionist who actually is his new manager, in disguise. And maybe he was already suggesting him some tour dates for his debut. That's why he was talking with him and acted so furtively." Matt explains.

"I'm speechless Matt, this is such a brilliant deduction..." Dominic congratulates with him. "But if you dare say 'Elementary, Howard' once again, I swear I'll punch your face!" he threatens him the second after.

"But it's you who gave me the idea!" the brunette justifies.

"Yeah, and I still repent for that. Anyway, damn you, Bells, it's not that you must take everything I say literally!" the blond rolls his eyes.

"You always do the contrary of what I say, so we are even!" the other strikes back.

"You are so exaggerated! It happened just a couple of times." the blond corrects him and then he changes his expression from bothered to irresistible.

"Hey, Matt... Can we pretend that Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson fall desperately in love with each other? After all, they're best friends, too..." he suggests.

"Dammit, Dom! Do I have to remind you of how we have already messed up with 'Romeo and Juliet' ? For today I guess we twisted badly enough master pieces of Literature!" Matthew strikes back.

"Yeah, right, we'd better not to exaggerate..." he agrees, although a little bit upset.

"Anyways, I was talking just about the true Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson. Sherlock Bells and Doctor Howard can do whatever they please!" Matt winks at him with a smile, happy to see him cheerful again.

"Ok, it's only that Sherlock Bells and Doctor Howard can't fall head over heels for each other.." the blond dissents.

"Why not?" Matt gets concerned as he dreads that Dom has already changed his mind.

"Because they already did!" Dom winks at him and the other smiles with immediate relief.

They would like to do much more, but they must confine themselves just to hold their hands and look at each other, but in a very fleeting way, not to arouse suspicion.

"Hey, Matt, are you really sure that we'll manage to make Chris change his mind?" the blond asks him seriously, wavering.

"Yes, if our plan works..."

"And what will happen... if it doesn't work?" the other wonders, wavering again.

"Well, I guess it will be the end of Muse, then." Matthew states, grieving.

***************************** (In the meantime)

From the other side of the ocean, in a little bit of Paradise, bathing in the sun, on a beach identical to the ones you can see in the brochures of the best travel agencies, a certain guy who happens to be named Tom Kirk jolts out of the blue, shivering and gasping.

"Hey, Tommy, honey, what's wrong?" a very nice blonde girl asks him, as she's busy bathing and relaxing with him as well, wearing a very colourful and scanty bikini.

The girl gets closer to him and massages his shoulders, in order to relax him.

In the meantime she manages to keep an eye on her mobile, too, since she can't allow herself to turn it off, especially when there are thousands of kilometres between her and her band.

"I don't know why, dear, but... I have a terrible presentiment..." Tom gets worried.

******************************* (In the meantime)

Without any need to cross the ocean, but simply leaving the Hall, another certain guy he's busy talking on the phone.

"Kelly, it's going from bad to worse!" Chris exclaims.

"Tell me, what happened this time?" his wife wonders bored as she rolls her eyes.

"They clearly said to me that I'm easy to replace! NO, wait, it's worse, maybe they don't even need another bassist, since they already planned a show where they're the only ones to perform..." he informs her, embittered.

"I can't believe it, I'm sure they were just kidding..."

"After all, Dom said that kinda playfully... but maybe they think about it for real. Plus, they keep isolating, almost as if they tried to avoid me."

"Oh, c'mon, you're exaggerating. There must be a logical reason why they are acting like that."

"Oh, yeah, there is. And the message is more than clear: I was the last one who joined the band, so I must be the first one to leave it!" her husband sighs melodramatically.

"Oh, please, shut up! It's just your imagination that's playing tricks on you. You all are a band and you'll always be." she assures him.

"No, Kelly, you don't understand. They are so mean to me!" Chris whimpers.

"Oh, my God! Chris, now you're reminding me of Alfie during his first days at school, when he didn't want to go there because he didn't get along with his buddies! What? Do you want me to have a little talk with your buddies too, in order to make them treat you better?" his wife wonders sarcastically.

"Would you really do that for me?" Chris asks her hopefully.

"Gee, I was kidding!"

"But you did that for Alfie!" her husband protests.

"Damn you! Christopher Tony Wolstenholme, you're beefy and can handle these stupid things on your own!" Kelly snaps.

"Here we go, you said that: I'm fat!" Chris gets desperate. "Maybe I should try the Pineapple diet. I heard it can burns the 10% of fat!" he ponders out loud.

"No, no Pineapple diet. No diet at all! I've just said that you're beefy, not fat, and I like the way you are, honey, I really do." she murmurs, pleasing him.

"Now let's talk about more important things. Have you already seen the new cover of Vogue?" Kelly changes topic.

"Hell yeah, I've seen it, my love. And, you know, there are at least three wrong things in the model's hairstyle..."

TBC

Do you still remember Matt's war against senility? Whatever the answer is, you'll see about that in next chapter, I just can say that... I'll make him perform a very crazy and terrible awful song, yeah... I'm getting more and more insane!!

Hope you had fun reading that. But please, whatever you think about it, just tell me! ;) Please, really, I'd like to know what you think about it so far... even criticism is welcome!!

[thanksjro]

Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don��t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours.


After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

--------------------------

COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY

[smoocheveryclone]

dirty old town

Gregor x jedi!reader, part one of ???, ~3k words, uhhh, i don’t actually remember if i gendered the reader? i have to check, no (y/n), no smut though it does begin to get very mildly suggestive near the end. pg13 i guess? if that?

premise: reader is the one to find Gregor on Abafar instead of Colonel Meebur “i am droid racist but will treat clones with even less respect” Gascon

under a cut bc long post

You have mixed feelings about these undercover missions.

On the one hand, despite the danger, there is an element of freedom to them that you relish. You’re not bound by the strict codes of the Jedi Order; you feel greater license to act and speak on impulse… but at the same time, you aren’t strictly yourself. You’re playing a part. 

And then you go home, to the Temple or to the War, and maybe it’s just mild disorientation, but you still feel like you’re playing a part. The part of a Jedi.

But you always end up leaving those feelings behind you, and do what you must do.

Your current mission is over now, and you’ve just started your journey home from the Outer Rim… but of course, nothing can be simple.

You end up having to pilot your ship through a- beautiful, admittedly- field of comets. Trusting in the force, you manage to get through it mostly without damage.

Mostly being the operative word.

You take a hit, and you lose your fuel tank, forcing you down onto a force-forsaken planet not far from the one you’ve just left.

You instruct your astromech to power down until you get back, because you don’t know when you’ll be able to recharge her battery next, grab a satchel with some essentials and a full canteen, and set off toward what you sense is some kind of small town.

It’s a long walk, and by the time you see buildings, you’re dusty and dry and tired. And there are battle droids here. Which is fantastic.

First things first, though. You see a sign for a diner and make a beeline for it. Never mind that it looks dirtier and more disreputable the closer you get; there’s food and drink inside. The door opens, and you stop.

That voice.

There’s no mistaking that voice, you know it as well as you know your own. Better. You’ve heard it in countless permutations, all with particular vocal tics, intonations, cadences, turns of phrase which you’ve gotten to know, in some cases quite well. So this one is familiar… but unfamiliar at the same time. 

By the time you’ve thought all this, you’re already staring… and not just in curiosity or surprise. You’ve never seen a clone wearing civvies before. You’ve seen them in their armor, whether shiny and new or scuffed and painted; you’ve seen them in their uniforms; you’ve even seen them in the black body gloves they wear under their armor, once or twice (an image you have to swat out of your mind like an insect buzzing around your ear). But never civilian clothing. Something about it plays havoc with your composure, but you can’t look away.

His arms are bare. His hair is attractively mussed, and he’s got a full beard. 

He’s also looking back at you.

You’ve seen eyes exactly like his so many times before; you’ve never seen them look back at you quite this way. Like he’s seeing… you. Not a Jedi, not a General, just you. Of course, you realize, you’re wearing civilian clothes as well. As far as he’s concerned, you are just you. 

It takes you long enough to wonder who he is and what he’s doing here that you feel a bit silly about it. But once you do wonder, it’s quite a puzzle indeed. Is he undercover, as you were? Is that done? You’ve never heard of it. Though if a man with a million identical brothers could get away with going undercover anywhere, it’d be out here on some Outer Rim dustball. The other possibility is that he’s deserted. You’ve never heard of that, either, though you expect that it must have happened before. 

You wouldn’t blame him if that were the case. You certainly wouldn’t squeal on him.

This attitude is, at the heart of it, why you have never, and will never, lead a battalion.

At the moment, though, either of these possibilities leaves you in a delicate situation. You can’t blow his cover, if it’s the first case scenario. You don’t want to scare him off if it’s the second. Then, of course, there’s the third possibility: it’s neither of those things. What else could be going on? But whatever it is, you can’t just avoid him. You can’t go on with your business, pretending you never saw him. The force is telling you that you are meant to be here, and you were meant to find him. Why?

So many questions.

You’ve been loitering by the door, staring at him this whole time, and he’s been going about his job, sneaking glances back at you as he collects dirty dishes and clears off the booths. A Sullustan- owner and operator of the place as far as you can guess- has appeared behind the counter in the meantime, and you give him only a cursory glance as you walk up and take a seat on one of the grimy stools. You pick one where you can peek back into the kitchen and follow him with your eye as he goes back and forth.

The Sullustan is chatting up a regular, which is fine by you. You may be hungry, but you can wait: there’s something far more interesting here than food and drink.

You watch the clone more or less discreetly, every so often letting him catch you looking. You’re waiting for a chance to speak with him, however briefly. Before you can find one, he comes to you.

“I haven’t seen you around here before,” he says, giving you a smile.

“I just got into town today,” you say, smiling back at him. Seeming encouraged, he lays down the stack of dirty dishes for a moment to loiter a bit beside you. “My name’s Gregor.”

You give him your name in return, and he tells you it sounds pretty. This unexpectedly beguiling exchange disarms you, and for a moment you almost forget why you wanted to speak to him in the first place.

“I’m very glad to meet you,” you tell him emphatically. You can’t really speak with him here, not beyond this chitchat, but at least you can hint that you’d like to. Gregor, meanwhile, looks delighted.

“Likewise,” he says, and there are a few seconds of oddly intense silence.

“So…” you say, nodding up at the menu sign behind the counter. “What’s good?”

“Well,” he hesitates pointedly, scrunching up his face, and you laugh. “Number four’s all right.”

“Thank you for the recommendation.”

“No problem.”

Your little conversation is interrupted by the Sullustan bellowing for him to get back to work. You have already decided that you do not like this man- Borkus is his name, from what you have overheard- but you order your food and the coldest drink possible, and are otherwise left alone until it arrives. 

From then until you finish and pay, he is mostly in the back washing up. You don’t get another chance to speak with him. Whenever he emerges, though, he meets your eye, and before you leave, you give him a lingering look.

Outside, you stop and lean against the outer wall of the diner for a few minutes, thinking. While you’re standing there, you hear something coming from around the back of the building. A door, the scraping of a container on the ground, something being lifted and emptied. You make a guess at what you’re hearing, and duck down the little alleyway. When you peek around the corner… there he is.

“Hello again,” you call softly, hanging around at the edge of the back alley, hoping he’ll come over and talk, away from the overflowing trash bins. It smells back there.

You can’t help noticing the way his face lights up when he sees you again. Peering backwards through the kitchen, he lets the back door close softly and, to your immense relief, begins walking over. You beckon him out to the side alley where the air is less foul.

“Hey there,” he says when he gets close. 

“I was wondering… will you be free later on?”

“I get off work in a few hours,” he says, with an air of cautious encouragement.

“Would you meet with me?”

You can feel a little ripple of (pleased) surprise through the force. Obviously he’s amenable to the idea.

“I’d like that,” he replies.

So would you, now it comes to it.

“Good,” you say. “I’ll see you later, then.”

Then, there’s the sound of the diner owner shouting again.

“Gregor! Where are you! Get back in here!”

There’s the sound of the back door into the alley being thrust open, and heavy, stomping footsteps, and you frown in the general direction of the noise. Gregor looks embarrassed; you reach out tentatively, and touch his arm in what you hope is a comforting gesture.

“Sorry,” you say quietly.

He looks at the hand on his arm. You pull it back. He looks at you. You look at him.

“Worth it,” he whispers as the Sullustan rounds the corner.

“What are you doing out here? You take an extra break, it comes out of your pay! Get back in the kitchen and finish washing the dishes!”

“Sorry, Mr. Borkus,” he says, slipping around his irascible employer and scooting back the way he came. “I’m getting back to work, right now!”

You hear the door open and close, and the Sullustan turns a disapproving eye on you. Before he can speak though, you raise your hand and wave it lightly in front of his face, which goes blank.

“You should stop yelling at Gregor,” you say. “I should stop yelling at Gregor,” he repeats. “You’re not going to dock his pay.” “I’m not going to dock his pay.” “You need to get off his back and let him be.” “I need to get off his back and let him be.”

Satisfied that you’ve done what little you can to improve the mysterious clone’s day- whatever his situation actually is- you turn on your heel and walk away.

You spend the next few hours as you had intended before meeting Gregor: enquiring about the parts you need to repair your ship, discreetly poking around for information, observing the battle droids. There’s something going on here (there’s something going on everywhere, these days) but you haven’t figured out what. Frankly- although you chide yourself that you are doing your duty and not to be childish- you’re bored. You’re very much looking forward to meeting up with Gregor later.

So you can figure out what he’s doing here, of course.

After the appropriate amount of time has lapsed, you meander back to the diner, and wait across the road, watching the door.

Eventually, he and the owner emerge. He sees you right away, and veers over in your direction immediately, waving and calling for you as his employer stares (and is ignored by both of you).

“I’ve been waiting all day to see you,” he says, with a big smile on his face.

“I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been doing the same,” you admit, smiling back. “How was work?”

“Better than usual.”

You smile wider.

“Glad to hear it.” 

“So… what are you doing here?”

You shrug.

“Passing through.”

“Oh? … How long are you staying in town?”

He looks hopeful. You stop yourself from chewing your lip.

“I don’t know,” you reply honestly. “It depends.”

You realize you’re chewing your lip again when you see the way he’s looking at you.

“On what?”

You can’t help smiling at him.

“Lots of things.”

“Hmm.”

The conversation that follows is, like your first exchange earlier today in the dingy little diner, oddly compelling. Repeatedly, you must remind yourself that you are trying to figure out what he’s doing here, but much like your earlier investigation into the Separatist presence on this planet, you’re getting nowhere. You even attempt, once or twice, to steer the conversation in directions that would raise the suspicions of someone under cover… but he isn’t suspicious at all, and you end up just talking.

Talking, laughing, enjoying each other.

He’s endearing.

But before you while the whole evening away just walking around town, chatting, you come right out and ask.

“So, Gregor… what are you doing here?”

“You mean… besides washing dishes?”

“Yeah.”

He shrugs.

“I don’t know. Surviving, I guess.”

You nod slowly.

“Hmm. How long have you been here?”

“About a year now,” he replies, and you manage to disguise some of your shock at his answer. ‘Undercover’ is starting to look less and less likely. “... What?”

“Nothing. Just. Wow. You’ve been working at the diner that whole time?”

“Yeah.” 

You grimace.

“Well, frankly, that sounds awful.”

He laughs, running his hands self-consciously through his hair.

“Well, it… it could be worse.”

That pricks at your heart. 

“Yes. I suppose it could.”

You know very well how much worse it could be.

He looks at you, but neither of you speaks for a long moment. Maybe it’s time for the two of you to speak more plainly than this.

“Gregor… Is there somewhere we can go and talk to each other privately?” His eyes are wide as he looks at you, and for just a second, you sense the buzz of excited nerves.

“Oh, uh… well, it’s- it’s not much, but, there’s always my place.”

“That sounds perfect,” you say, touching his arm like you did earlier. It seems to help.

“Great,” he says. “This way!”

He takes your hand, and leads you down the dusty streets that still all look the same to you. You’re not really looking at them anyway.

On the way, you pass by a man he knows in the street. They wave to each other, and- after the strange man glances at you- exchange smiles. 

“I’ve been really enjoying talking with you,” he says suddenly.

You look at him.

It’s been so nice, spending time with him like this. Just being yourself, with no part to play.

“Me, too.”

You’re almost there, now. You see the stairwell down into a basement apartment, and he’s slowing down. Before you get there, he stops, leaning against the wall. You can feel his self-consciousness.

“Listen, um, when I said my place wasn’t much? I… Well, it really isn’t much.”

“It doesn’t matter to me where we go,” you tell him kindly.

“It’s just… I wish I had somewhere nicer to take you. I’ve never met anyone like you, before.”

That affects you in a way you can’t altogether contain. For a second, you’re breathless.

“I’ve never met anyone like you before, either.”

It’s the truth.

He’s smiling again. Having never let go of your hand, he runs his thumb over your knuckles and begins leading you down toward his door. You would be able to tell he was nervous even if you couldn’t feel it through the force.

True enough, his place is small and as dingy as the rest of the town. But it’s his, and you decide you like it here, for that fact alone. You’re looking around when you notice him staring at you.

“... What is it?”

“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” he says, completely guilelessly. It’s so plain and sincere that you can’t help believing it, and once again, you’re breathless. “I never expected to see anything so beautiful on this whole planet.”

Then, he leans in to kiss you… and you let him. You do more than let him: you kiss him back. The only concrete thought in your head is that his beard tickles. It feels wonderful. Is that noise coming out of you? 

It takes feeling his hands on your hips to realize you’ve got your own in his hair, and the way his fingers grip you makes your eyes roll back in your head. Your lips press together again, and again, and again; sometimes so softly you’re barely touching, sometimes so heavily you almost topple over, sometimes you can feel him humming against your mouth and it’s all you can do to stay standing. 

He’s guiding you gently toward- what? A chair? A crate? A cot? You don’t know, you don’t care; he sits down, and pulls you into his lap, and there’s nowhere else you’d rather be. You hold him so close, closer than you’ve ever held anyone. You love the way his hands feel on you, and you tell him so. In reply, he makes a sound you know you’ll hear in dreams for the rest of your life. 

The way he handles you- so sweetly, but so direct- makes you feel things you couldn’t repress if you tried.

But… of course… nothing can be simple.

You break the kiss, and take a breath.

“What is it?” he asks softly. “Is everything all right?”

“Before we go any further, there’s something you need to know about me.” He’s a little wary, a little worried, and you hate it, but you can’t just let this go without him knowing the truth. Maybe it was an illusion, but you already miss the way this felt so uncomplicated a moment ago. 

“You’re… you’re not married, are you?”

Your reaction to this question tells him you’re not, even before you actually answer.

“... I can never be married. I’m a Jedi.”

He’s still holding you, and he doesn’t let go.

“I don’t care what you are. We’ll work this out. I-if… if that’s what you want.”

Your eyes have never been so wide in your life. ‘We’ll work this out.’ He means it, you can feel it. You think you would believe anything this man said to you. 

But.

This is forbidden. 

If this is not an attachment, nothing is.

Can you do this? Can you work this out? The doubt is suddenly swallowed up by something you’re not sure you can identify, but feels very much like indignation. No attachment! But what is the bond between master and padawan but an attachment? What is friendship but an attachment? What are those bonds formed on the battlefield, are they not attachments? Can you name one single Jedi in the whole order who is wholly unattached? Who is attached to no one? Can anyone live in such a way?

It’s true, sometimes you must be able to let go.

But what value is there in anything without fondness? Without care? 

And enough of your philosophizing! What about him? Doesn’t he deserve to be loved? That question, at least, has a clear and definite answer. One that cannot be interrogated. The answer is yes.

You shift around so that you’re straddling his lap, and kiss him so deeply that you get lost in each other.

“I do,” you whisper. “I do want this.”

You can sense his relief. His elation. Something inside of you aches beautifully. Is this what love feels like? You kiss him. He kisses you.

“Good,” he says. “We’ll figure it out together.”

And then, he says something that shocks you so profoundly that you stop cold.

“... But what’s a Jedi?”

[bunny-hoodlum]

Asynchronous With You: Chapter 1

ship: naruhina

rating: teen (maybe mature later)

tags:  Modern Day AU, Foster Siblings, Family, Angst, Unrequited Love, Poor Communication

summary: An awkward journey full of self-denial and missed moments between two foster siblings. Perhaps their love will find the right timing someday.

(The way overdue long-form version of the Foster Sib AU I wrote for @szajnie for Secret Santa 2020.)

music: Asynchronous With You by burokkurubeats & my playlist

He wasn't the first child.

Somehow he had expected to be.

A girl his age, age six, and her older cousin had already been living here for a year now.

They had family, they were just… deemed unfit.

Maybe they'll take them back, when they get their act together. He doesn't know. He only knows he doesn't have the luxury of hope that they do.

Nobody was coming back to get him.

And he had nowhere to go back to.

The foster lady with the ruby red eyes showed him his bedroom.

At first, Naruto thought Hinata and Neji were close, so much so that no one could ever be closer.

Then he thought it was their tactic to keep others out, self-preservation in blood.

Hinata was nice enough, but she never strayed far from Neji.

That was because he never let her.

She wasn't just fiercely loyal to him. She was scared of him.

He tried to get Neji in trouble. Kurenai-obachan needed to know. But Hinata stopped him. She told him not to split them apart. That she didn't mind Neji bossing her around. She would never be okay if she didn't know where her cousin was.

So he tried. But it was hard. He still picked fights with Neji.

That didn't make Hinata happier, either.

He still thinks it's Neji's fault when she finally breaks down, telling them both off before running to her room.

He runs after her, but she won't let him in.

He goes to his room and talks to her through his wall. He has to press himself flat against it, straining to hear any sound.

Could she hear him, too?

"I'll leave Neji alone, okay?" It's a bitter promise, because it makes him feel like he's surrendered when he did nothing wrong. But part of him also feels tired of this pattern day in and day out. He'd rather spend his time better.

The silence stretched passed the point of comfort, and he pictured tomorrow, a tomorrow where Hinata may hate him. Enough to shun him in his own home. And would he really do what he's always done to others to her? Would he really go that far for attention?

His unconscious concerns spilled out, running through his fingers before he could stuff the words back in and swallow them. "Hinata… can I bug you instead?" He flinches and freezes, and he waits.

It's faint, but he heard her.

"Sure," she said.

His shoulders lowered as he slouched down the wall, the tension leaking from his body and he smiled.

Their early years would be shaped by a secret language shared between the two of them from that moment on, where a pinch on the arm and a retaliatory swat was a polite exchange in the morning. Where a "missing" item from their bedrooms was an excuse to search the house together, and where a stolen item was an invitation to enter each other's bedrooms. Hinata really liked to show him her new collection of pressed flowers, and he really liked to show her his latest Gachapon figurine. Whenever that happened, it was usually one of those new things that went "missing" shortly after.

It wasn't that Kurenai-obasan didn't spoil him as much as them, he could have new things all the time, too. But she hadn't been planning on taking him, she hadn't been prepared for him. If he wanted more things, Hinata would have to have less.

And the time he could spend with her was more than enough for him.

____________________________

Halfway through their grade school years their secret games waned. Being in the same grade helped to keep them in touch throughout the day, but at lunch time she was Neji's, and after school she was Neji's. That's just how it was.

But they were maturing. Their experiences were expanding. They had so much to talk about.

But how could they? It had to be at bedtime. And because it had to be bedtime, they had to be quiet.

He got the idea to drill a hole into their bedroom wall so that way they could easily whisper and not get caught.

That was one of his first thrills: vandalism.

"I think you mean 'home improvement'," Hinata giggled.

He had to process that.

He never realized until then that he still hadn't considered this his home.

Thanks to Kurenai-obasan, he had food in his belly and a roof over his head. He had a bed, some video games, and a safe route to school.

Thanks to Neji, he had a model of masculinity. Not a role model, mind you, but a model nonetheless. Some things about Neji were cool, even admirable. And other things he would never do in his life. They were both abandoned, confused and alone, sure. But it was always annoying how Neji couldn't help but look back. Naruto always had to look forward.

Maybe the way they both did things was equally imperfect.

He smiled to himself, as this is where he had to thank Hinata, for she kept them both grounded and present. Because that's how she lives her life, like each day is a gift not to be squandered.

Who cares about being hurt yesterday? Who cares about what hasn't happened yet?

Right now, at this moment, he was home.

This was his home.

____________________________

Girls at school always cupped their ears when they were eavesdropping. They cup their mouths when they're telling secrets or bad-mouthing others.

Hinata cups her ear around the hole in their wall when he's telling her stories. And she cups her mouth when she's telling him hers.

Her ears are sensitive, so he tries to watch his volume. He forgets himself when he gets excitable.

Her breath tickles and teases a memory from his brain, one that fills him with both sadness and relief.

When he tries to sleep, he searches for the root of this feeling.

The next day on television, there's a mother murmuring her baby to sleep.

He adopts that image as his own forgotten memory.

And the following night, Hinata's soothing whispers confirm that he had a mother once, and she used to sing him to sleep.

____________________________

Hinata's a wimp.

He loves the girl, but at school she is a gosh damn trouble magnet.

He jumps in front of her bullies, fists blazing, and he loses.

A lot.

But he gets to pick fights again. He gets to be cool from time to time. And when he gets better, he becomes the best. He gets a reputation!

By the time they reach fifth grade, he doesn't even have to raise a fist.

A well-aimed death glare is enough.

When Neji's graduation forces the two cousins apart for the first time in their lives, the older Hyuuga undergoes a personality shift.

He expresses legitimate concern for Hinata.

Maybe it's been there all along.

They're both standing on the empty landing just outside of their elementary's gymnasium where the remainder of the proceedings were taking place. Neji's stare, heavy with expectations and ultimatum, bore down on his little shoulders.

"You're the only one I can ask."

"Yeah, don't worry. I got this!" Naruto flashed his patent overconfident grin, and this time not a hint of condescension passed across Neji's face.

His heart thumped wildly when he and Neji returned to the gymnasium, with Neji returning to his position amongst the other students in the center of the room. Family members lined up against the walls in foldable metal chairs, a spattering of pride and loss playing out across their faces; Their children were growing up.

When Naruto took his seat, he stole a glance at Hinata on the other side of Kurenai-obasan. Her gentle profile seemed to unlock something inside of him. Waves upon waves of warmth filled his body, pulling him in deeper into a languid pool of contentment.

He would be her protector from now on.

He would be her brother.

____________________________

He never noticed how their paths lead each other further and further apart.

Their daily routines had remained the same.

Aside from a few exciting developments.

Like Kurenai reconnecting with a childhood friend. The man was a Marine and a chainsmoker, but he seemed cool.

Or how Naruto happened to find a collection of discarded skin mags behind the pool storage room at school. They now safely occupied the space beneath his bed.

There was also the neighborhood shrimp squad of grade-schoolers who loved to call him 'Boss' whenever he came over to play.

Or that time he was hanging out with Sasuke, and unusually the stoic lad had insulted a group of delinquents before he did at the local arcade.

Sasuke may have taken out four guys by the time Naruto took out one, but he still got the win.

But way, way before all of that something had really surprised him: Hinata becoming Deputy Class Rep to their own Haruno Sakura.

She was volunteered for the position based on her equally outstanding grades. Or, at least that's what they had believed.

Over time, it became apparent that they had volunteered Hinata to be Sakura's foil. Hinata was considerate and much more approachable. If the students wanted something, they went straight to Hinata first.

But then her unchanged nature became more detectable.

Like he's said before, Hinata's a wimp.

She crumbles at the slightest disapproval.

She implodes when she's convinced she could do better. When she thinks she's failing.

So halfway through their first year, she started to get abused. Girls and boys alike tried to strongarm her into making their lives 'better'. Making her fetch their lunches and dumping cleaning duty on her every day, then throwing her words back at her when she tried to complain. They'd say, 'But it's what you signed up for', and 'Isn't this your job? Don't you care about your classmates?'.

Somehow Sakura never noticed. He tried to tell her, but she didn't take him seriously. He tried to tell the teachers, but they acted like he had no evidence.

Liars! They just didn't want to get involved! What good are teachers if they don't help their students?!

Some weeks later, the following exams were posted outside the classroom.

Sakura was number two, just below Ino. They were always competing for the top, always unevenly dethroning the other.

Hinata was number three. Always suspiciously number three. And he was dead last.

Hinata could rise to the top, but she never tries.

He always tries, but he can never seem to rise.

He realized then that he hasn't been doing enough as her brother.

Compared to her, he has no future, no potential. It wouldn't be a waste if he took on her burdens.

He can take abuse, because during those first six years at a state-run orphanage, abuse was all he knew.

He realized what he had to do. Resiliency was one of his best traits, after all.

The following day, he took Hinata's place as the class slave. He fetched their lunches, got them drinks whenever they asked. The only thing they never asked him to do was their homework. Because… yeah.

Nobody knew they lived together.

If they did, well, he might've been forced to copy Hinata's assignments all the same.

He never noticed how their paths lead them apart, how their daily routines boxed them into two different social spheres never to overlap.

He was still her brother. Her protector.

But by high school, he'd also become the embodiment of trouble itself.

And he couldn't let that stuff disrupt her life.

____________________________

Naruto’s sprawled belly-down on the sofa playing on his Vita handheld when Kurenai-obasan calls out to him as she’s emerging from the laundry room.

“Naruto, I’ve stared at this hamper for three weeks,” She drops the hamper at her feet with a weighty thump for emphasis. “Are you going to do it or not?”

“I just forgot.” He surreptitiously powers off his game and abandons his handheld on the sofa as he ambles off the couch.

He’s dramatic when he slouches his shoulders and drags his feet, head lolling backwards in anguish. He hauls the hamper back inside the laundry room. He doesn’t look when he opens the washing machine and dumps his clothes into the drum. But the pile is sticking up. He tries to smash it all down, but he can’t. It’s already full.

“Crap.” He scoops out his month-old laundry in four armfuls and disposes them at his feet. He reaches in to grab the damp garments sticking to the sides of the drum, then begins to throw them into the dryer. At least that’s empty.

He doesn’t notice the butter yellow hoodie with white polka dots on the kangaroo pocket. Or the frilly linen top that needs to be dried on the line. Or the no-show socks with rabbits on them.

Once the drum was cleared out, he hurled his fermented clothes into the washer and started up both machines.

He went back to his game for several hours. Kurenai had to remind him to dry his clothes as she delivered the dryer’s contents to Hinata’s room. This was because Hinata was at cram school.

As he moved his items to the dryer, he recalled how Neji had done cram school too before moving onto a prestigious high school deep in the city center.

Naruto never knew whether to be jealous or not. School work was utterly useless and he didn’t envy the workload of overachievers, but maybe that was only because he couldn’t handle it. Maybe if he were smarter, he’d appreciate it better. Or maybe he’d figure out more ingenious ways to skip it all.

He played his game in the laundry room, waiting for the final ding to go off. He used the same dirty hamper to gather up his clean clothes and dragged it inside his room, where he promptly dumped it all out on his bed. Fresh laundry was intoxicating and he didn’t fight the urge to belly flop into the softener-drenched warmth.

He deeply inhaled as he sank into the heat. His cheek felt particularly nice against this satin material.

His left eye opened a peek. Vanilla and lavender stripes met his eye, with a rose lace and ribbon trim along the waistband.

He shot upright, his face no longer hot from the laundry, but hot with horrified embarrassment. He stared at the garment like it might come to life, jump on him and eat his face. It hadn’t so far.

‘It should be fine to pick them up, right?’ He thought with his frozen hand stretched out.

Why was he acting weird about this? They used to mix their laundry up all the time when they were younger. It’s actually how Hinata acquired a love of hoodies in the first place, because she loved to wear the beige one Obasan got him. She can pull off softer colors, but he can’t, so it was easily hers from that moment on.

He plucked up her panties by their corners and held it away, like it were an envelope full of Ricin, and he gazed at it mindlessly. Somehow they were exactly what he expected Hinata to wear, they were girly and cute.

Pale skin flashed before his eyes, a taboo image of Hinata in these panties, lifting her pleated uniform skirt up had startled him and he dropped the undergarments with a yelp.

Did he really just imagine her that way?

Naruto tried to smack the stupid from his mind until his cheeks burned with physical pain, then with everything he could muster, he snatched up the pair and ran for her bedroom, adding it unceremoniously to her hamper of clean clothes.

He pretended to be asleep by the time she got home.

He ignored the sweet voice that slid through the hole in the wall until she gave up and stopped calling him.

There was simply no way he could hold a conversation with her after that experience.

And to think he had to rely on his skin mags to purge him of his sin.

____________________________

Weightlifting was doing wonders for him.

For starters, it was taking his mind off of his libido.

For another, his physique was changing. He was starting to sprout up, too. Hinata’s former bullies were starting to learn some new feelings, like reluctance and fear. They eventually moved onto the freshman to enslave, leaving him alone to finally live his final year of middle school the way he always wanted.

The more he did weights, the more girls started to look his way, not just at Sasuke-teme.

Life was looking good!

Is what he thought when he was hanging out on the roof with Sasuke and two Ojou-gyaru types. One girl was straddling Sasuke while Naruto spooned the other girl from behind.

A dire thought hit him when he realized only six months remained until graduation. A choice he had been overlooking was rapping its knuckles against his temple, and he could hardly shoo it away.

“Hey.” Naruto turned his head towards Sasuke.

“Hn?”

“Where are you going for High School?”

Sasuke turned his head up towards the sky. He was pensively silent. Then he shrugged. “I’m going to stay here.”

“So you’re going to Konoha Normal High?”

“Just like everyone else.” Sasuke said.

‘Everyone else’ didn’t include Hinata, and he was supposed to stick close to her.

How suspicious would it be if he chose to follow her to her high school?

What if he couldn’t? What if she was following the same path as Neji?

Neji would be there until her senior year. Was his responsibility to the both of them over already?

Naruto would later get a text from Obasan that she would be spending the night with Asuma.

K-Obasan: There’s curry udon in the fridge.

He narrowed his eyes at the text.

Just because you add noodles to leftover curry doesn’t make it a Naruto-approved dinner!

“Udon’s not even the same thing!”

His steps slowed in the school corridor. It was enough for his rooftop date to catch up with him.

“Your face looks weird when you’re glum.” She giggled as she poked his cheeks.

“Yeah, well, I just realized I’m about to go home and no one’s going to be waiting for me.”

“Oh?” She circled her arms around his own and leaned in close. “Good for us, huh?”

His eyes widened with realization. A goofy grin stretched across his face, the corners curling lasciviously.

‘Yeah,’ he thought, ‘I’m owed this.’

____________________________

Author Note: I'm forgoing the one-shot because I still don't have that kind of discipline. ;D I'll definitely try to finish this short story to the end. I had received some good title suggestions for this story, but I ended up going with another song name because I can't seem to do anything else. ¯\_༼ ಥ ‿ ಥ ༽_/¯

I'm still going to try to adhere to the canon of the original fic to the best of my ability. I would totally declare this new canon, honestly, but then it'd be a Secret Dating fic with smut and it would never line up with what I already wrote. 😓

Anyways, I hope you liked this so far!

[rachetmath]

Why I love team JNPR

You know the usual. This is in my opinion. If you like it, reblog it or both that’s your choice. If you have questions, or want to add on to this then comment.  Read at your own time and will.

Ren and Nora compared to Yang: Yang had a mother. May not be by blood related but by relationship. Her mother died while she was young, but she still had her father and uncle to raise her. She had a social life in school, and she was trained by her father and uncle. Ren and Nora on the other hand, have no parents, only watched after each other and were trained by a bunch of strangers or by themselves. So unlike Yang, Ren and Nora would have a hard time relating to some people than Yang would.

Pyrrha compared to Weiss: Weiss was born and raised in a rich family. True, she was always cautious when it comes down to others using her for their own gain. But she takes her title way too seriously and it made her arrogant and cocky. Pyrrha doesn’t take her title too seriously, but she was overwhelmed by it. She hated how everyone only saw her as a tool or a weapon they can use for battle, and not as a person. She tries to welcome anyone into her life, but they always reject her, mainly feeling unworthy of her. Because of this Pyrrha felt truly more alone than Weiss. Unlike her, Pyrrha made her way to the top, she wasn’t born into it nor took the easy way to get there.

Jaune in comparison to Ruby and Blake: Jaune had nobody! Jaune had no uncle, no best friend, no teacher(sensei), NO SUPPORT to help him become a hunter. Jaune literally unlike Ruby is way out of his comfort zone. And unlike everyone he had no aura or training to help him. Jaune unlike Blake was treated, like a faunus, as a huge literal joke. This guy has literally had more reasons to be a villian than any of his teammates do. Plus, he has more things in common with the bad guys than he does with the heroes. He lost his partner and best friend due to the heroes, and Ozpin’s actions.

I liked team RWBY in volume 1-3, mostly because it made sense and was reviling each character’s problems and goals and was setting up the conflict of the story. But in volume three I started liking team JNPR more, because how they are not like the other teams. Everyone knows Pyrrha Nikkos, and believes without her, team JNPR is nothing more than failures. And you can’t blame them considering Jaune only became a leader because he was assigned to be one, and Ren and Nora were a bit too relaxed and into to each other to be leaders at all. And now with Pyrrha gone, they must prove that even without her, they can still be a great team. While defying the so-called “destiny” Cinder described as well.

In volume 4, we see Jaune does miss Pyrrha, and that he trains at night to her video message. He does feel sad that he lost her and that he couldn’t even express his feelings towards her as she did to him. And when he realized the truth, of course he was suspicious, his friend would have died either way by Amburn’s soul taking over or being a target for the rest of her life. Ren and Nora not only had to be there for each other still but now they had to be there for Jaune like Pyrrha did. (Even though they were completely horrible at it considering their flashback and action in volume four.)

In volume 5, (oh my gosh, this one is the reason I hate the show sometimes because of time constants) we learned the whole reason behind Jaune’s actions, which is revenge on Cinder. Team JNR were first to see Oscar before Ruby. Oscar was place under Jaune’s care do to the fact he was also a underdog (even though Oscar can just learn from muscle memory like Ozpin said) but Ruby takes that role for some reason and we are expected to take it. When the battle arrived, when Jaune had Cinder right in front of him, he did not hesitate to fight her. This backfired and one of his friends got hurt. He acknowledged that he missed up, that it was not suppose happen, and by doing so, he got his semblance. (Even when that makes no sense considering Cinder was after Ruby and Jaune’s secondary reason for coming along was keeping Ruby safe. At least I hope it was.)

In volume 6, could’ve better, Jaune made Oscar question himself even further, which is good. Because, one, Oscar is fourteen, and unlike Ruby he doesn’t have much of a clear idea on why he came along on the journey in first place other than Ozpin telling him to. When Jaune heard Oscar ran away, unlike Qrow, who punched him by the way, and don’t say it was for Ozpin because they share the same body, Qrow still hit a child, Jaune helped in the search and apologized to Oscar for his behavior. He gave Ruby an option when she couldn’t think of anything then she takes charge over it. Also, Ren and Nora admitted that they love Jaune and would not want to lose him just like Pyrrha. (Again, they were completely bad at that, considering they didn’t talk about that on the train, nor called Jaune out on his actions, completely ignoring him and etc. Really Jaune needs new friends.)

In volume 7, here’s the thing, Jaune had no reason to hate the General because he already worked things out with Qrow. How and when? We don’t know. But that shouldn’t mean he should flat out trust James with his life unlike Clover. Why you may ask, first, Qrow told him about the maiden powers. I mean, he wouldn’t leave out the people who knew about them like Ozpin, Good-witch and Ironwood, right? No. So Jaune has a reason not to trust James, not because of Pyrrha but Lionheart, the general’s actions so far and how the truth almost torn them apart mainly himself. Plus Jaune, and his team work more in Mantle, than RWBY, so they would have more run-in times with happy huntresses than team RWBY would on a regular basis. Then it’s how Mantle and Atlas situation is affecting their team with Ren and Nora butting heads over who’s right and who’s wrong, whether their ready to be hunters or not, and more importantly questioning their relationship and loyalty to not only each other but their friends. Image Ren, taking it too far where he could say something he’ll regret. Or by finding James to be right, he would sell out his friends believing it was the right thing to do. Image Nora having to choose between Ren or Jaune, which will be devasting more for Ren than Jaune because of how close they are to each other.

In volume 8, (Even though I highly doubt that team JNR will ever have a scene to themselves and now preview.) Jaune will feel bad because he not only lost the relic, he lost Oscar even though he’s alive. Now, how would this disturb him? Well, even though Nora would have to decide between him and Ren, in volume 4, there was a scene with Jaune going with Ruby and Nora going with Ren. It would feel obvious that she would follow Ren anywhere, even if it means leaving her friends behind. That could leave Jaune broken because he lost not only Pyrrha and Oscar but his teammates, making him the official Qrow and Raven of the group. This could cause Jaune to further out cast himself from everyone, trusting less in others and undoubtably make more horrible decisions than he already has before. That could also make him more of a target for the villains themselves. However, Jaune’s will to still protect the people and his friends will be the what keeps him sane and less brainwashed like Salem’s forces or the Ace Ops. (Or call team RWBY out on their mistakes.) But who can save him from a self-destructive path?

Many of you will say team RWBY might be able to help since their the main crew. Well, sadly, I disagree. Do to the fact that none of them tried to talk to Jaune after the Cinder and Ozpin incident. And there are multiple characters who have gone through a similar process or are wiser, than the main cast. The only ones who I feel can make an impact on him are maybe Maria and Penny. Penny may be android, but she seems more human than the RWBY girls put together. She is kind, friendly and mostly very supportive towards her allies. Maria may not have had many friends or levels of companionship as others, but she does know about how it feels to be powerless and scared of what’s to come. Maria would basically remind Jaune that being afraid and sorry for himself isn’t going to make things better. Penny would try to keep his sanity alive until he could once again maintain it on his own. However, the final person who I believe can help him is Qrow or even Oscar (Ozpin). Qrow would just remind Jaune on how far he has come, and for him to understand that nothing will play out as he planned. He would even tell him more about his team, mainly Raven and himself and how their decisions affected their family. Same goes for Oscar (Ozpin) but telling him how many mistakes he has made during his lifetime. He might even tell Jaune he knew about his fake transcripts, just didn’t care much about it if Jaune was willing to work and improve.

I know many people love team RWBY due to them being an all-female cast or for other reasons I cannot explain. But sometimes, there are situations that they cannot relate to. And even if there was, team RWBY does nothing to resolve it. For example, Jaune was sad about Pyrrha and trains under her videos. He wanted revenge on Cinder and Weiss almost died for it. And though he was asking appropriate questions, he went about it the wrong way, causing Oscar to feel unwanted and run away. Yet, none of his friends, bothered to either call him out on it, nor done anything to cheer him up or reason with him. Ruby who literally saw Jaune committing every one of those transaction, and has a dead relative, said nothing. Yang who lost both her moms, whose uncle was a constant drunk and had to take care of Ruby while her worthless dad is busy, said nothing. Weiss who has a somewhat of a dysfunctional family, said nothing.  Blake who is supposed to be an escape victim of a one-sided relationship, who seen how friends change or show their true colors with time, and literally seen more death than her team members and blames it on herself, said, nothing. Basically, Jaune overcame some of his problems on his own along with the help of the Red-Haired Women (and she barely mattered). And even though Ren and Nora talked to him, he already had reinsurances he needed to move forward. The point I’m trying to make is the reason I like team JNPR is that they are more real than team RWBY. They have weakness, they have arguments, nothing goes their way and when something bad happens they face the consequences.

That is why I love JNPR better than RWBY. Jaune, he was just a normal person until he made a chose to leave his old life behind for something greater, only to have his character taken by Ruby and Oscar, who just ruins it, and to never improve. And we still know nothing about him. Pyrrha who should just stayed alive because no one has learned from her death. Ren and Nora are just to be a better ship than Bumblebee. I hope these characters get better, but I highly doubt it.

[yuniversitywriting]

How to Learn Computer Science at Home

By: Alex Lu

TLDR: Take the plunge. Find out what it is you want to do and just do it without looking back. If you want to learn to code just pick any language out there. What you learn in one language is transferable to another. I’ve linked a couple of sources that might help you just as a pointer. As you learn I definitely suggest starting your own small projects. There’s going to be things you learn on the way that will bore you but you kind of just have to push through the boredom. 

As someone who would like to pursue computer science as my career in the future, I’ve always wanted to learn the subject on my own but never really found the courage to start until this summer. Finding the “right way” to start was by far my biggest concern starting out. I didn’t really have any idea what language I wanted to use, where I would learn, and what I wanted to do. Usually, when it comes to things like learning a new skill planning things out is kind of important but when it comes to something like computer science it’s probably better to just find something that interests you and just go for it without looking back. To be honest, I don’t think there’s necessarily a “right” way to learn computer science, and spending the time to find it will undoubtedly bring you into an unproductive loop of watching videos or reading articles on how to get started which is where I was towards the beginning of summer when I decided that I wanted to try my hand at web development.  

If you were to Google right now the technologies that exist in web development you would get a bunch of different articles that say different things about what’s the latest and greatest in web development whether it be some new programming language, library, framework, etc. and when I was first learning the basics of web development I had nothing to go off of and I was completely lost. Eventually, I learned to just tune out all the pointless Google searches and just started with the most basic thing in web development, HTML which isn’t actually a programming language and looks kind of like this which was sort of discouraging at first. Eventually, I got the basics of HTML and moved on to CSS which is also not a programming language (it controls the actual aesthetics of the page. I’ll show an example later from one of my projects). While the basics of HTML and CSS aren’t the most satisfying thing to learn, it was something I had to overcome. If you do choose to dive into computer science or specifically web development, it’s important to note that there are going to be many things that are boring to learn but you kind of have to just push through it because it’ll be important later on. I eventually made my way to learning Javascript (the actual programming language) which allowed me to create my fully-functional sites. 

When learning the basics of web development I found it really helpful to practice concepts by making my own small projects. Although I all wanted to be able to create the next Twitter right off the bat, I kind of had to reel in my ego and realize that I wasn’t there yet. Instead, I built smaller sites that I had fun making like this website I made on my birthday which plays “Happy Birthday.” The site uses HTML for all the text, CSS for all the images and styling on the web, and Javascript for all its functionalities. While making the site I also had to learn how to use things like the Command Prompt, Heroku, and Git, and therein lies the beauty of taking on smaller projects as you’ll learn random things and improve upon your skills. After looking around on the site for about 5 seconds you’ll notice how buggy it is and I think it summarizes my journey quite well. When making projects you’re always going to encounter some small bug and that’s completely okay. For this particular site, I’m not really interested in going back and fixing all its bugs because there are other things I’m trying to do. 

As of now, I’ve moved on past vanilla HTML, CSS, and Javascript and I’m more focused on learning other frameworks such as React and eventually I hope to become a full-stack developer. But, although I’ve learned everything I know pretty much on my own, I do have limits to what I can learn solo and I have enrolled in a community college to continue learning full-stack development. Although there are many things that you can self-learn, some things might just be easier to learn from an actual teacher.  

The reason I decided to join the YUNiversity is that I wanted to be able to create a platform where the audience could relate to its contributors. When learning a skill, it’s easy to be discouraged after seeing some prodigy and giving up simply because you don’t think you’ll ever be able to improve to the point of mastery. However, I believe that if you saw someone who was your age and were able to see all their trials and tribulations towards mastering a certain skill you might be motivated to actually pursue something yourself. Likewise, I hope my story was in some way helpful for anybody who wanted to learn Computer Science or web development on their own. In the future, I definitely hope to continue talking about my experiences learning more about web development and I really hope that the audience is able to join me on that journey 

Here are some resources if you want to learn something: 

1.Game development (I played around with Unity and their tutorials a bit. I’d say they’re pretty good. There’s a lot of reading for their tutorials). I’d also suggest checking out Brackeys (A Youtube channel that goes over the basics of game development in Unity. If you don’t like reading this might be for you)

2..C++ (There’s a lot of reading involved here so if you don’t like reading I don’t really recommend it. It goes over the fundamentals of programming. Just be warned that C++ is harder to learn than some other languages) 

3. Web Development

Freecodecamp (It goes through the basics of web development. There’s some reading but it also allows you to practice within their own environment. I used this to go over some of the basics of HTML, CSS, and JS) 

 Traversy Media (Youtube channel that goes over web development. I used this when I was learning and actually lifted some of the stuff in his videos for my own projects)

If you have anything you want to ask me or if you just want to talk to me I suggest just DMing me through my Instagram (@alex_yingnan_lu)

[sunritual]

Robots don’t need to be sentient to destroy us.

Navy mock neck long sleeves big orange and little white stripe on tube cage sides

A veritcal line stretch waistband

Cross cross and straps back

Square high neck

Scarlet polka dots around can light blue text and beach image as front

Blue stroke red inside square, blue triangle rainbow with eye and funky font

Y either know a particular topic or not , but it’s hard to pin down intelligence on one category

Cream background , ice cream pink script name kinda bev hills hotel script looking ish

Move your mouth in a differ way

Supersonic vibrating butt cleaner

Half magenta half red violet a blue teacup in the center with white floral frills thick serif font

Pink background am orange flower in a vase white present ribbon n red as a table

An app that familiarizes people with science - through experimental learning ― hands on experiences that make it seem less top down and authoritarian , and more like a set of steps that we take, things that anyone can do to get closer with nature and the world

A social media philosophy app - teaches what others said and gives people a chance to express their views , postulate, argue, etc gadfly? How would be avoid a shit show, how can we make social media more humanitarian. how can we care about people while also expressing deeply held ideas , how can we encourage users to examine their deeply held ideas without alienating them. How can we discourage hatred and abuse and groupthink with design? How do we slow people down and encourage them to recognize the human behind the screen. Street epistemology? Socratic dialogue?

Socrates - asking questions. Breaking it down to bits. Deeply understanding their argument. Asking about different possibilities and circumstances. Take vast assumptions and show scenarios that make go against them.

Build fact checking into apps

Narrative self vs experiential

Walks you through steps of the sciefitifc method and encourages you to explain how you feel each step actually helped you- then walks you through a scientist doing the same for their reasarch

Republicans only want to be free in the specific ways that benefit corporations

Are Christians more willing to support the death pen early because they already believe in the cruel and overstepping punishment of hell?

Where did the idea come from that you need to remain impartial when trying to persuade

The idea that there is someone in a similar but different dwelling, hearing similar but different sounds and feeling similar but different feelings is wild

We synthesize sets of traits, and particular actions in a super biased culturally constructed way

With the way we see things as humans- we categorize things into groups that aren’t really reaaal ― paratheletic groups

I just want the people and jobs that benefit society

Connection to nietzsches Dionysian art and eckheart tolle/Taoism

No matter your personality, there is probably a part of the world that you would fit in with naturally.

An ordinary girl is selected as one of the representatives of earth in the first meeting of various alien species after one advanced planet discovered and United 10. Confused as to why she was chosen, she goes on her journey meeting

Wha ba Bada da da da da dada he’s a wha ba ba dadada as a matter of fact it’s not my fault if you came up here thinking that you would win

Wanting to break boundaries and rules for the sake those who are hurt by the rules

You are imagining the best case scenario of the life you want to have and experience Ming the reality of the life you so have.

Yes her drips cosmetics line to students i. Class

Chez it people can goldfish people

Your personality flows where a system needs it to go to maintain balance

Ah you fucking saw a tik Tok about that didn’t you

Coincidence and intention are two sides of a tapestry, my lord. You may find one more agreeable to look at, but you cannot say one is true and the other is false.””

Clay busts with abstract art and philosophical musings (throws up)

Do a sketch a day

What if someone ran for president as an impression of a famous person

Full stemmed flowers, wiggly text creeping behind

Balloons of various sizes and cooors holding people and things

Kelly green cream hot pink black

Green outline one pink air brush cream background black marks

Emdr applebees , bat mitzvah toasts Amitals bat mitzvah , Fiona - i like her better just kidding ,

We tend to learn words by synonyms and not definitions

A bully who takes a kids lunch money everyday all through out high school and secretly puts it in a Roth IRA and presents it to them at graduation

Set up drum set

When it comes to something we have no knowledge of or evidence or proof being certain is the most illogical thing you can be

Getting a degree in philosophy is the not going to college of going to college

It ain’t what they call you it’s what you answer to

You don’t just get to jump from bright moment to bright moment - part of the job is the frustrating ones and the climb to get to be actually good. It’s gonna be bad in the beginning but it’s a measure of how dedicated you are to your craft. Frustration is the process.

You have to decide whit shit sandwjicj you prefer - everything is gonna suck some of the time but if you pick your dream you’ll have those bright moments and at least that shit sammie will be worth it - the bad parts of job you have no interest in don’t add up to anything. If you love what you do you will accept the downsides.

People are like tape. Going through the world collecting bits and pieces of things but none of those things are really them . We can identi ft with them and create with them but we can also escape from them.

I wonder what all these people think about being alive

Curiosity makes everything play. It invites exploration. It makes me see opportunities everywhere makes everything new

Bias to action. Try things. Get your hands dirty, fail Fortean and find what works. Remaining nimble and constantly rethinking

Reframe the problem. Step back, re-examine the problem, examine biases and be open to new solutions

Clay matches clay fire

The differences and similarities between us

Looking back, historical events seem bound to happen, but a few small events could’ve stopped them. Thinking diffently.

“They became revolutionaries despite themselves”

Artists way workbook design

I’m at Eton having to walk around to quell the feeling of being so exited about the future and my possibilities and so sure of success and beauty and magic and love and adventure. I’m going to make beautiful pictures I’m going. To tear down the status quo I’m going g to make people feel like they have on antigravity. I’m so a part of it i made it. I’m a muse I’m it omg I’m so exited - listening to John Denver

Joy is just a thing that he was raised on love is just a way to live and die.

The only thing that made Abe Lincoln Abe Lincoln (tm) was doing what Abe Lincoln (tm) did. The actions that he took made him a hero in history. There was nothing i ate in him that made his great, his actions did. Whatever help inate qualities may have gave him in terms of doing the actions that made him what he was could be negated by pma and doing the damn work to get yourself to where you need to be. Believing it so makes you inclined to take the actions that improve your skills and get to to the point where you can do the things it takes to be who you want to be.

Little vases

I feel like we’ve become addicted to finding things wrong with what people say. Silence the critic. It’s fine. Most people have the best intentions. It’s not that serious. The group you are offended for likely aren’t mad anyway. There is way more you can do - they don’t care about picking the right term

I wanted a very simple menu that could maximize customization options in The shortest amount of time possible for a very fast paced food truck. The system allows the customers to design their own grilled cheese sandwich but ideally would save time by not requiring each guest to decide which cheese and which bread from a long line of choices.

I feel I’m so afraid of being dunning Krueger that i tell myself i am terrible at everything no matter what i actually think about my abilities. You can just say your a beginner you don’t have to say you suck. Plus thinking you suck doesn’t make you any better, honestly worse. You don’t have to rate your abilities just focus on the future, make sure your doing baby steps and make sure they are the right baby steps

Chives ward off insects

Loving thebsunlightttttyt!!

I don’t think music is really something that needs to be critiqued for me ― it’s more about feeling it’s about magic and truth and light or darkness. Getting whatever needs to be out out. it all serves a purpose and is for an audience , if your not in that audience then there’s no need to comment

I have to is weird backwards idea that it’s Nobel to be like you know what I’m not good at this imma bow out. But that is so wrong you have to struggle through it. Pike how i feel like my thoughts are more concise then my writing. There’s no glory in not trying to improve that. You have to awkawardly write until you can beautifully write.

[courtneystriker]

My Thoughts on the HG Prequel

I just finished reading The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes and I got to say, my feelings are mixed. Below I have an entire review  for the story which included how I felt, the expectations, the biases I had going into the new book, and how I felt after reading. Please note there will be spoilers. Also this review isn’t meant to hurt anyone and if you absolutely love the book so far...good! Enjoy it fully! As an aspiring writer myself and someone who studied in college/loves creative writing I’m well aware that people just have different takes on writing. Glad you are enjoying it :)

Anyways, here it goes…

The Expectations

As the Hunger Games series is one of my favorites of all time, I had a strong bias to like this book. Since it was first announced, without knowing any details, I was extremely excited and optimistic. I re-read the entire Hunger Games series twice beforehand in preparation; once with my fiancé and once on my own. The only thing I really wanted, knowing that it took place during the tenth hunger games, was that the arena reflected how new the hunger games were. Then, when we learned what the series was about, people started voicing some concerns or were disappointed by the plot, instead wanting it to be something like Finnick’s arena, Haymitch’s, Mags’, etc. etc. I was not among this group. However, I understand where they were coming from, because I always thought the idea of the first Quarter Quell (the one where the districts voted for the tributes) was an extremely interesting concept. 

Yet I think these things are best left explored in fanfiction as they add nothing to the series and Suzanne Collins did an excellent job just giving us enough information to get the idea. At that point it’d just be a book on details, which could fall short or be a gimmicky, cheap way to keep people reading the series and keep her name relevant. And wasn’t that part of the message in her series, the thing Katniss so heavily criticized that gave a great irony to the books? Who would watch children killing each other for entertainment? Meanwhile, we as the reader are reading these books as a form of entertainment. Plus, Suzanne Collins so skillfully painted the illusion of knowing but not fully knowing their stories that it’s haunting, and I think that is one of the many reasons (along with the battle royale trope being naturally compelling, liking the characters, etc.) that a lot of us are more drawn towards these stories rather than (at least for me)  a book on Snow. 

That being said, I was not against the idea of a book on Snow because I find villain characters, especially grey ones, to be very interesting to read about, and I was pretty certain Suzanne was going to handle this beautifully, especially since you could already feel this atmosphere coming off of Snow in the Hunger Games series. I know some were really concerned about a Snow redemption arc, but to me it felt very obvious that it couldn’t be and it would be more of him sliding into evil.

I did have other concerns when I read the description for the first time. I could not believe they went with the whole tribute from District Twelve thing again. I loved Katniss and District Twelve, but I did not want Katniss 2.0. I said right from the beginning to my fiancé that she’d have to make the tribute from District Twelve extremely different for me to get on board (though I was holding on faith that Collins would). It just felt cheap and gimmicky to rehash the District Twelve thing, it sort of made me feel the same way I would have if she had written about one of the games I mentioned above. Sure, it’d sell, but it wouldn’t add anything to the series. I was thinking she better not hunt, sing, or have any qualities resembling Katniss really.  

Another thing I worried about was the love story they hinted at in the description. It just didn’t make sense to me. Because how was Snow going to ever support the games if from an earlier age he fell in love with a tribute and vowed to protect her? Then later he’s all like pro-hunger games? Just this itself could weaken the entire series if done poorly, because it would weaken the main antagonist’s motives for not only the prequel but also the Hunger Games series as well. I kept thinking either the girl has to die in the arena betraying Snow somehow (which is what I was hoping for), Snow will have to betray her, or perhaps he would have been faking love for her for some sort of personal gain I couldn’t imagine. Either way, I thought it weakened the story's appeal to me. Yet overall I was still excited, desperately waiting for the book’s release. 

And now that I have read it, I have to say it felt forced at a lot of parts and lackluster overall…

*Spoilers start here*

My Review:

Suszanne Collins’ writing style is one I’ve always loved and has consistently appealed to me. Even though this book is written in 3rd person (which some may like less if you don’t particularly like third person) it holds up well against the original series. So I really had no complaints in this regard besides the excessive use of songs (felt like fanfiction a bit). I think if you liked the original series and don’t mind third person you’ll feel right at home with her style.

The concerns others had about Snow’s redemption are completely dismissed in this book. Like I had predicted, she writes about his fall into evil, and although it’s not black and white evil (as I don’t like anyways) you can very much tell he’s a bad guy and that the hardships he faced in life only further pushed him towards obtaining status and power. Overall, he feels true to the character when we end up seeing him in the Hunger Games series, and his journey to power fits the images Finnick painted in Mockingjay. He is very well characterized in the book and perfectly unlikable while maintaining an intriguing internal dialogue (although it does occasionally feel tedious, but not enough to bother me; others may feel differently).

 The way he is written is very much in line with Collin’s great characterization, one of the reasons I always loved The Hunger Games. All the characters felt like real people. They all had an extreme depth to them and I felt they all resembled people I had actually met in real life. There were little to no characters that relied solely on gimmicky personalities to get by. Even very minor characters that seemed depthless and swallow at first--like Katniss’s prep team--had more to them. So I thought going into this book I had nothing to worry about in that regard. I didn’t even really spare it a thought, but boy was I wrong. 

I think Snow and Lucy Grey were the only characters that had (at least partly) the depth that the original Hunger Games cast had. I’ll discuss Lucy Grey later but first let me talk about some side characters. Where to even begin really? There’s a LOT of characters in this book. Frankly, way too many, which I think contributes heavily to the lack of depth in the characters. Honestly there’s so many that the names of characters were hard to keep track of while listening to the audiobook (my hard copy of the book was still in the mail and I didn’t want to wait). Things got a bit clustered in my mind quickly. There were twenty-four tributes, twenty-four mentors,  Snow’s family, The Dean and Drs at the university, Snow’s Peacekeeper crew, and the Covey, and those are just the groups that I can cluster together. At least, the ones I remember having names and getting introduced, but I think that’s everyone really important. There was no real time to develop or get to know them really, which made the tributes’ deaths more meaningless as I could barely recall their names. It caused impactful scenes to weaken significantly overall and it made characters serve only to characterize and amplify Snow’s fall into evil. 

Here’s what I mean by that. The head Gamemaker, Dr. Gaul, really was the character I hated the most while reading this. She was just evil without reason (one of the weakest villain types with little to no personality besides being evil). She even made creepy rhymes as if she was in some sort of horror movie, and the entire point of her character was to contribute a lot to some of the forced plot points driving Snow’s moral decline. For example, there were all her tests, which seemed contrived and all directly connected to getting Snow to think the Hunger Games was a good idea. She was seemingly supposed to be a Dr. Mengele type character, as this book has a lot of Holocaust-esqe imagery. I’m fine with irredeemably evil villains, but instead of getting the depth that a Dr. Mengele character could offer (as some may know, many children that were part of his experiments actually said he was kind and gave them candy, and I find that deeply haunting to this day.) She is a flat, one-dimensional character whose entire personality could be described with one word: sociopath. Evil people are master manipulators, which is how they get away with evil things. I think at one of the funerals she puts on a good public face, and she seems to have power, money and influence. Yet the book doesn’t show this seemingly present quality nearly enough to make her a haunting character. Instead we get nursery rhythms and clearly driven lessons towards evil at are contrived. Like “Write about what you most liked about the war” or the assignment to improve the hunger games? Like what class is this? Why are they taking it? And why are the young kids of the influential deciding this instead of the influential people themselves?

Another character I feel was just there for Snow’s development and to represent an opposite viewpoint but lacked Collin’s usual depth is Sejanus Plinth. As a District 2 citizen whose family got rich off the war and moved to the Capitol, he is the main opposing viewpoint of the book, presenting Snow with a chance to do the right thing. I’ve seen people say he’s a Peeta-like character, but I completely reject that idea. He lacks in the charm Peeta has, relishes in self-pity (although he’s completely justified in his sadness and has a right to be upset), and while he has a heart like Peeta, he ultimately doesn’t know how to use it. Instead of working within his position to get influence like Peeta so masterfully does, he’s hot-headed and continuously makes poor decisions that ultimately don’t help anyone. It’s like he wants to help but doesn’t know how as he’s driven completely by emotion without reason. He too contributes to some forced scenes, particularly my least favorite in the book; when they sneak into the arena. Overall, he just falls flat for me. Again, I feel I don’t know anything about him beyond what he contributes to Snow’s story line and he doesn’t come across as realistic. It’s like Collins just wrote how someone would normally react to the hunger games, slapped a district number on him and went on her merry way. 

I just wasn’t prepared for these sort of characters when the Hunger Games series made even the smallest of characters stand out dramatically. I feel neutral to annoyed by most characters in this novel. I could expand this portion, and maybe if people inquire I’ll elaborate on some of the other characters as I have strong opinions on them, but this post is already getting long, so I’ll move on to Lucy Grey.

Lucy Grey is by far my favorite character even though she is bordering towards being a character from a fanfiction. Not quite a Mary Sue in my opinion but there is a certain connection to fanfiction I made with her. You may have guessed some issues I had with her by reading my expectations earlier in the post, but that has not displaced my love for her. Her personality is very different from Katniss’s, or even Peeta’s or Haymitch’s. She had a different type of charm than all of them, is a natural performer, and seemed more extroverted. Also, the whole idea of the Covey and her “not really” being district was intriguing. It really highlighted the displacement that war can cause and how people can just be in the wrong place at the wrong time. (Although I was confused on how much mobility between the districts there were….and did District Twelve have a fence or no?) It really emphasizes one of the main themes of the book, extreme prejudice against both Capitol and District. Her spot sort of in between really drives home the point that there's literally no difference except extreme poverty, and even then there was poverty in the Capitol, only better hidden. Her bright mood (and clothes), her poised attitude, and her optimism made her endearing. She was confident in her skin yet still held the fear of a sixteen year old going into the hunger games.

There were only two main things that bothered me about her, which was of course the direct connections made to Katniss (which I’ll elaborate on) and the forced “love” story between her and Snow. I suppose that has less to do with her and rather more to do with my dislike of that subplot. And I'm a sucker for some good romantic subplots, but yikes!

I think having one strong connection to Katniss was all that was really needed in this book. I really liked the idea of that connection being the Hanging Tree Song, as I can only imagine how it made Snow feel watching “The Mockingjay” sing it in the propo. Despite me not liking that fact that Lucy Grey is also an enchanting singer as that felt like directly stepping in Katniss’s territory, I did enjoy the little twist of Lucy Grey writing the song. Yet the connections between the two when the plot took us to District Twelve went too far. It felt like it took away all of Katniss’s special places and things. The lake, her katniss roots, her gift towards music, her fondness for the meadow, sneaking into the woods, etc. I think one solid connection would have solidified their bond beautifully. Having so many seemed like it was really trying to force the reader to make the connection when it was already painfully clear I guess? Plus, having Lucy stand out at her reaping ( the whole song part read like a bad, contrived fanfiction bit to me) and having people care about her in the Capitol while moral questions of the hunger games were still surfacing made me start to think...isn’t this how the rebellion for Katniss got started? At least partly. I get it’s a different time. Too close to the war. It just felt way too similar. I guess Collins was going for the idea of a lost rebellion that in a way Lucy Grey started that Katniss later revives. Yet it feels like that invalidates the specialness of what Katniss does in the original series as it’s already happened; it just got erased. I guess history repeats itself, but I really just didn’t like it. I could see the appeal to some extent, and it could be a beautiful connection, but it just wasn’t for me.

Now on to the plot, which is the last thing I’ll talk about as this post is getting ridiculously long. A lot of the plot felt very forced or contrived, which was another shocker coming from Collins because her pacing and plot was done really well in the original series. Of course, a lot of this was driven by Dr. Gaul and Sejanus Plinth as the entire plot hinged on the moral debate of the hunger games these two represent. Other plot points just hinged on what happened to establish the games. I mean the rebel bomb explosion seemingly only happened to change the terrain so Dr. Gaul can then bring up the idea of the different arena and how that made the tributes act differently, thus creating the crazy arenas we see later in the series. I do have some praise for how Collins established the disparities between the earlier hunger games and the ones we see in Katniss day. From the way they lock the tributes up, don’t feed them, the spotty coverage of the arena, etc. All of that was exceptionally well done. The only complaint I have was that so many tributes died before they even got to the arena (though not because I wanted to see them fight). I had been expecting one to escape or something to further establish that this was new territory and was waiting to see how they handled it in earlier times, but I wasn’t expecting that many to die before the arena got started. It just seemed like a huge Capitol failure that they advertised loudly. I really wasn’t expecting that level of incompetence, just an escaped tribute that threatened to embarrass or harm the fragile beginnings of post-war Panem. Instead, most of the pre-arena stuff felt disastrous. A lot of the mentors' deaths felt forced, and it was weird that the academy never really came under fire at all from all the rich and powerful parents whose children were getting killed because of the mentor experiment. Like it seemed there should have been some interaction there, but there wasn’t. Maybe some was passively mentioned but still, it could have been a whole subplot that further established the debate of the hunger games.

While the pre-arena up to the break-in to the arena felt like the most forced part of the book and certainly I felt it needed more workshopping plot wise, it also harbored some great and powerful scenes, like Arachne pulling the sandwich away from the tribute while she was starving and laughing about it. Basically, all those interactions of poverty and captivity meeting the citizens of the Capitol were done well, but nothing spectacular (unlike the scene of Katniss screaming at Buttercup at the end of Mockingjay which is heart wrenching.)

The last plot point I’ll talk about is the “love” story. I wasn’t a fan, but it was sort of what a lot of the plot hinged on and led to the great scene at the lake between Snow and Lucy Grey. How easy it was for him to betray his “love” for status. This led to some of the most interesting and evil internal monologue Snow had in the entire book. I honestly feel the ending scene, the interaction Snow had with the jabberjays and Mockingjays in District Twelve, and the lynching scenes were among the strongest and most memorable.

The love story again felt forced (sorry I’m using that word so much it’s just so accurate) into the story. This hindered the book from having a strong plot in the same way the weaker characters caused forced interactions and plot points to move things along. Yet at the same time the kind of abusive and lackluster nature of their relationship throughout the book fit perfectly with the ending. Unfortunately, it didn’t really make it very compelling for the reader. Luckily Lucy’s  personality kept my interested during these parts. I wouldn’t say their relationship was poorly written at all; in fact the way it was written makes perfect sense. I just think the plot relied too heavily on their “love”, which was gross because of the way Snow is, and the reader knew it had to inevitably end in some kind of betrayal or reveal that there was no love at all. This creates tension for the reader, but I kept wondering: if the love plot had been ditched could we have gotten a stronger plot altogether?

So overall, like I’ve said I’m really conflicted. I know I focused heavily on things I didn’t like, but honestly the book was well written in some regards, plot bouncing between really compelling and a little contrived, the two main characters being written well enough but other characters not so much. Some connections between Lucy Grey and Katniss made at the end were powerful, I loved the Covey, Collins still excelled at writing a lot of the social issues/scenes in the book, and honestly the idea of Lucy Grey being completely forgotten in the Districts that hurts my soul a little. Nothing compared to the feelings I got in any of the Hunger Games books but there’s still something there.

I really hope someone made it through this long ass post. The book was entertaining. I mean I listened to all 16 hours of the audiobook in like a day. I can’t wait until my hardcover comes so I can look through it. Maybe once I know what I’m getting into I can enjoy the book a little more than I did, because right now it’s sitting at very average for me. Maybe I went in with my expectations too high? I certainly like the Hunger Games a lot more and probably always will. Honestly, I love new content, but I’m also the type that likes firm, planned endings to stories (even though it hurts to let things end and the fandoms can suffer from lack of content). I think fans can oftentimes get caught up in what they want and pressure the writer into writing more, which ends up a disappointment since it wasn’t originally planned in the series from the beginning. While I don’t think this is by any means the case with Suzanna Collins or that Lionsgate even pressured her to write this book (I don’t like conspiracies of that sort of thing as a writer myself that plans to have a series in which a book comes out many years after the original part of the series is released), I do wonder if this is the end of the Hunger Games for good. I sure hope so, especially if she would be writing about the other victors. I love them too much and really don’t want to feel similarly about their books, and like I said at the beginning, it wouldn’t add to the series just to my guilty pleasure lol.

Hope you all have enjoyed your reading of the book more than I did :) Again sorry if I wrote anything to upset you! Please if you loved this book ENJOY IT! I’m actually kind of jealous if you did. Feels like missing out on something special.

[kabootarandishaan]

Title: Priority

 Summary: It's an aesthetic fic!

Pairing: Jotaro/reader

A/N: I was listening to I Choose by Layton Greene (y'all needa watch and listen to that music video asap) so I guess the aesthetic would be kind of clean white bathroom with huge mirror vibes, I know its specific but my rules, also I'm choosing Jotaro just because I feel like he's the one I'd think would have the most communication issues. Inspired by @kakyoin-shades . Reader is described vaguely so this is rated E for everyone! Also image is not mine credit goes to whoever owns the image

Warnings: um idk Jotaro being kind of abrupt but fluffy mostly 

You tried to assure yourself that you knew what you were getting into. You quickly realized that with Jotaro everything wasn't as easy to pick up as you originally thought. You had been there with him throughout the entire journey. You stood by his side even after Dio had been defeated and thought maybe after that, things would become more normal or at least a little more stable. You understood Jotaro was not the type of person to open up and that your relationship would be something new for him to navigate. You had been very understanding of his situation given the circumstances I mean the man almost lost his mother, practically the only family he had. 

But you also made it important to clearly communicate to Jotaro that a relationship was a two person job. You made sure that you were both equally invested going in and he seemed to understand that at the time. He said he would try his best to work with you if he had any insecurities or issues because he cared about you. But the last month had been hell. You had no idea what was up with Jotaro he seemed way more irritable than usual and whenever you would try to talk to him he would blow you off with a "Yare Yare, you're making a big deal out of nothing!"

You tried to reason that maybe he was experiencing some PTSD or he just had a bad day but his behavior just didn't seem to improve. It seemed his attitude didn't go unnoticed by the others as well because Joseph brought up with you one day, "Y/N has Jotaro seemed a little off to you?" You didn't wanna make it seem you couldn't handle your own relationship and eventually were able to change the topic. But the fact that Joseph brought it up made you realize the problem wasn't with you it was actually Jotaro.

You were cleaning around one day, something you did when stressed,  and eventually made your way to the bathroom. You always had music on when you cleaned and stopped to have a little singalong in front of the huge mirror.

You call me crazy to think of

All of the things that I do

When you constantly do all the shit that I'm sick of

Sick of you saying all the times I might

Doing me wrong, pretending that it's right

You quickly realized the lyrics felt very reminiscent of your current situation and noticed you felt a small tinge of relief as you were able to vent to some degree. You continued feeling yourself as the bad bitch you were.

So mad, I could swing on you, 

But I know that ain't gon' fix it

You just gon' get me arrested

And I'ma leave you in stitches

I'm just so done with you

Got me like how did I take what you put me through?

I should've been left you

You felt a sudden rush of confidence overtake you as you sang aloud with the lyrics looking at yourself in the mirror pointing and dancing. After quite some time had you felt this type of freedom and you were not going to stop anytime soon.

But instead I kept on waiting

Being patient for the day when

You would say you're tired of playing...

Fingers through my hair, you're playing

Got me looking in the mirror

Only one thing left to say is

My bad

I've been unfair to you

I played me for a fool

If it's between him or you

You're the only one I choose

As the chorus came on you felt two large hands engulf you in an embrace from behind. You saw those teal eyes stare at you through the mirror and could see regret. The next thing you saw, which you didn't expect, was him mouthing along the next couple lines

It's you I choose

It's you I choose

It's you I choose

You're the only one I choose

You turned around arms crossed as you were still upset at his lack of explanation for his trash attitude. He still held you only slightly looser, after noticing you were expecting a response he cleared his throat. You noticed the tips of his ears turn red, although you wanted to crack a smile, and you held your expression. "I don't know how to say this Y/NN." You cut him off "How about you start with an apology and try to explain yourself."

You said it a little abruptly but who could blame you your attempt at being reasonable with him didn't work. "Yare yare." You looked on your stern expression did not falter the slightest. "I'm sorry. I know I promised I would try and communicate my issues but I didn't and I have no excuse. I was scared to let you in. I didn't want to take you down into my low but now I realize that only cause us both to hurt more. I'll try harder. Sorry again." 

You sighed, "I accept your apology Jotaro but I want it to be clear that we both went into this relationship understanding that we Both have to put in effort. You hurt me and that's not okay." You paused and turned around facing the mirror one again. You leaned back against him, your neck slightly resting on the base of his shoulder. "You promise to try harder and work on communicating?" You looked at him once more through the mirror.

His grip around you tightened, "I want you in my life and in order to keep you in my life I will do my best to work with you. So yes, I'll try." You smiled, "Good, but if you try that mess with me again you better remember if it's between him or you you're the only one I choose." You pointed from him to yourself in the mirror showing that you recognized yourself as your only priority.

[se7enforse7en]

NBTM | One — Nothing Like This

☾ synopsis : Love and tragedy has always had a way of being connected, that connection usually held by the red string of fate. A red string that destined two soulmates to be bound for eternity. No matter the circumstances, fate would tie two individuals to meet, to not disrupt their long awaited destiny. In the world of more than five billion people, the red string had made it’s mark plenty of times, going back to perhaps the start of it. The folktale disappeared into obscurity & into believer’s hearts. In the lives of fourteen individuals in the 21st century, their lives seem to be an unfinished puzzle. Some strangers, some friends. Some blissful, others tragic. All unaware of the soon-to-be outcome years in the making. They’ll find it to be entrancingly painful. The red string of fate wasn’t just pretty.

☾ pairing : jinyoung x fem!oc

☾ genre : drama, romance, angst ??

☾ warnings : strong language, rambling from an ass author (I had to), kinda ooc jinyoung, very much angst ur honor, e2l

☾ parts : one / two / three / four / five

HWAN JIHYE HAS NEVER FULLY LOVED COFFEE. She’s always detested the bitterness that came with the caffeine overload. However, she did favor the caramel that awaited her at the bottom. They blended almost perfectly. Yes, almost, and in the case of today, it’s an even truer statement. The barista that had continued to stare at her barely put in any caramel, much to her distaste. She’s not sure if he was that distracted or found her tip not plentiful enough. She had given him a short glare in annoyance but took the drink gladly. She was agitated about her specific taste and felt like continuing her day, rather than demand another drink be made. She wasn’t that petty. At least not today.

And now, she’s hesitantly drinking a barely sweet coffee whilst considering her schedule for the day.

Jihye barely ever has an uneventful day. As a long standing painter of Hwan Studios, she’s their resident artist. Her schedule consists of tactful meetings and whatnot, her stern demeanor present in every single one of them. Her hands are her tools, not her face. She begins to recount it in her head, her hand reaching for her phone in her expensive purse. It’s black exterior is soft as it’s insides are of smooth velvet. She finds it within seconds. There’s already dozens of notifications blowing up her phone, most of them being from numerous emails and a semi regrettable group chat. She also disliked and liked it. She didn’t like the constant messaging and nagging of her phone but it’s nice to text everyone for most. They’re part of a previous project’s team. She had essentially saved their project, which earned them all a bit of credit. She put a message or two amongst the hellhole of a cluttered group chat.

She figured she’d entertain the idea of being in their chat, seeing as they all could use some improvement on their own. She is conveniently too busy for trivial things they converse about, anyways. The initial project was introduced to her by a certain auburn haired stunt man. While not not extraordinary in it’s fruit, it has it’s beneficial product elsewhere.

Clearing it away, she goes directly to her calendar, a cumulative meeting of everything she’ll ever do. She’s punctual in her timing. Her brain is refreshed, suddenly noting that CEO Min wanted her to attend some meeting with an entertainment company. She remembers how she previously brushed it off with indifference, having been warned that they were no good. ‘Don’t work with them’ this and ‘They’re amateurs’ that. Both being from the head of the company, no less. She sighs, leaving it to be nothing else than a confusing statement. She sips on the not-so-sweet liquid. She savors the tiny bits of caramel her mouth musters from the flimsy straw. .

Next, would be the aggravating dinner she’d have with a CEO she could only describe as ‘crusty’. A friend of the blasted CEO, he is. She despises the usual ones. Y’know, the disgusting creeps who just happen to be greedy sons of bitches. But that would be a lesson she could eloquently describe to the higher ups when they actually give a damn about decency. “Damned pig” she huffs under her breath.

As she walks, her eyes become stuck to the screen. Her focus is completely on the very necessary schedule. It’s what completes her day and dictates it, but also what limits it. As a result, she barely looks ahead of herself, only a glance or two deemed possible for her mud-like eyes. She pays no attention to the pavement in front of her.

Opposite to her, his actions aren’t so different. His well done hair and expertly stylized outfit express his cleanliness, his position, even. He holds his phone in one hand and a blazing coffee in the other. His eyes are enraptured with the online conversation his screen displays. The fervent caffeinated liquid distracts him from the fair weather outside. If it were any other day, perhaps he’d pay more attention to it, the temperature usually more balanced than usual.

And as chance would have it, they both screech in shock at a certain feeling of wetness. Jihye drops her phone at the contact of a coffee, a scalding one at that. She seethes at the heat. It seeps through her once pristine, white blouse. It’s intensity practically burns part of her chest and stomach. Her body recoils as a reaction.

He groans at the glacial feeling, his skin suddenly cold. He had worn a blazer for his meeting, a black one. He looks down to see the dripping of coffee, colder coffee, that is. He finds it gross. He doesn’t want to waste a fairly nice blazer. Not being wet in the middle of the sidewalk is great, too. He meets the glare of the woman who he hears screech, an angry looking one at that. He groans at the look of things.

They’re both aggravated. Jihye can see the annoyance on his face, just as she’s sure he can detect hers. She sighs as her mind is ready to curse out an idiot who almost burned her. It would be nice, considering her day was subpar already. Alas, her basic manners kick in, reminding her that she hadn’t been looking where she was going. She admits how ironic it is whilst it’s just as irritating. She squints at his expression. She knows she had a good amount of responsibility in the situation, but she figures he’d at least try to apologize as a courtesy. He doesn’t.

She curses under her breath. People quickly looked at the sight of the scene, realizing an accident occurred. She wonders if people recognize her or him, thinking he has some kind of air about him. She waves it off as she bends down to pick up her now shattered phone. Her ears grasp the sounds of clicking cameras. “Tch.” She deeply breathes in, ready to sacrifice a percentage of her personal pride for the sake of manners and what will soon be on the internet. Her eyes study his face for a second.

She notes how he has a, well, raging bitch face. Perhaps it’s an angry expression his face takes on in the face of agitation, but she wouldn’t know that. She thinks of how his face is rather unique, looking more like a computer generated thing than someone’s face. She’s not sure if she means it as a compliment or not. He’s dressed expensively, too. His body is adorned of mostly black, his grey t-shirt serving as a contrast. His hair is nothing too special, despite it looking nice. Besides his looks seeming familiar and admittedly, good-looking, she still frowns with her irritation intact.

“Sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going. My mistake” she forces it out. She knows how robotic it sounds. It’s natural for it to seem like she’s a child who thinks they’re in the right.

“Mhm, me too. I’d be careful next time.” He sounds just as robotic, perhaps even more so than her. He keeps his consistent glare on his face before attaching his gaze upon the space behind Jihye, his feet moving faster than his face. He’s already past her as the anger bubbles within her. She didn’t expect him to sound sincere, but something just hit the nerve. Perhaps it being her own medicine is enough to snap something in her. Perhaps she hates the guy who seemed familiar. With the thought fresh in her mind, she clears her throat and does as he did. She urges her legs to continue their road to Hwan Studios. Begrudgingly so.

Jihye’s sure she’s giving the press even more reason to call her a stone cold bitch. Nothing says negativity like everyone giving her an annoyed look and she’s positive it’s because of her unchaining expression. She can control what she looks like and yet, she’s not about to appease the image of what idols have to maintain.

She steps into the large building, employees all around the fancy desks and elevators. She feels their gaze on her, mostly upon her tainted clothing. She’s almost impressed they’re not all giving her fearful gazes as usual. Being the scary looking just above them was something she’s finally accustomed to. However, within a moment’s notice, they all give a worrying look towards her expression. She wonders if she looks like some demon. Perhaps.

One of the clerks, Minhyung, nods towards her. He’s nervous as per usual, but finds it pertinent to alarm her of an announcement. “U-Uh, CEO Min is having t-the meeting on floor five today, M-Ms. Hwan.” He nearly shakes saying it. The others look at him in amazement and even bewilderment. His glasses cover the fear in his eyes.

“Thank you.” She doesn’t bother looking at him, knowing how jittery the poor boy is. He’s younger than her, a fact she’s reminded of, daily. He lets out a sigh of relief, letting his head fall back to his moniter’s gaze. Jihye continues her journey to what is now floor five. She ventures into one of the many sleek elevators, pressing the now illuminated button. The metallic walls remind her of her somewhat disheveled appearance. A stained blouse and angry expression are the first to come to mind. Her expensive clothing is second. The black pants and midnight-like blazer make her think of a certain...loneliness. It seems to suck her up, like a black hole of sorts. Even her black hair looks cold, no color to invite personality. “Hm,” she hums. She knows how bitchy she looks in black. She smirks for a moment, before letting it fall. An indifferent face replaces it, just in time for the elevator doors to open.

She walks out as the glamorously stale walls surround her. She’s seen them a million times. They exude the same sensation her closet usually brings, but with even more professionalism. Her heeled boots clack against the marble floor. The white tiles mix with the black walls, reminding the young Korean just how lifeless the decorations feel. She grabs the clear handles to the board room. She can't see through the clear doors all too well, the sun peeking through the windows. She squints as a result.

“Jihye! Finally, we can begin this meeting.” CEO Min, an older and fairly petit woman, greets her. Her hands are clasped together. A forced and albeit sweetly sickening smile sits on her face as she motions her hand for Jihye to sit.

Her eyes instantly widen in unison with the supposed guest, a familiar and rage inducing face. She frowns even more, if that was possible. His face scrunches up in slight disgust. Her eyes dance between the CEO and the young man. She mentally scoffs, curious of why god suddenly decided to make her day the worst with a pinch of shit. She warily saunters toward the leather chair, directly across from him. She glares at him. As does he, with even more hints of vexation. They both look to the very woman who arranged such a meeting.

“Jihye, I’d like to introduce who we’ll be doing our collaboration with. This is Park Jinyoung—“

“JYP Entertainment.” The words slide off her tongue with venom. She remembers quite clearly now. The exact company she had been warned of and directed to stay away from, none other by the woman sitting a few feet away from her. “Yes, you eloquently warned me of them, Mrs. Min.”

“‘Warned is a bit exaggerated’. I simply informed you of them.” She sweetly smiles at him, not exactly convincing him. “And this is Hwan Jihye, my—a beloved artist at Hwan Studios. She’s one of our best and oldest.”

She slightly winces at the last part, thinking it not at all pertinent. “You know, it would have been very insightful if you informed me of who I’d be working with, ma’am. Why a sudden collaboration when you can’t even notify your senior artist?” The hate in her voice made the older woman sigh. It even extends to the man, Jinyoung.

“Why keep two perfectly capable artists in the dark, Mrs. Min? Afraid one can’t compensate?” His tone is just as cold.

She can tell it’s a slight jab at her own abilities, despite not knowing the other. She rolls her eyes before focusing her attention on the target. “Of course not,” she laughs, in an obvious corner. “We just found it to be more of a lax way of telling you two about it.” Jihye finds it to be bullshit.

“And just what kind of collaboration is this? I won’t waste my time on something so trivial.”

“For a music video, er, album.”

“A what now?” She stuck her neck out a bit, shock written over her face. She’s no musical artist, nor is she about to be one.

“You cannot be serious. We never even ask—“

“Yes, you didn’t, but your company did. We reached a mutual decision. It would be quite beneficial if we had Jihye create art for the music video and perhaps some performances.” She says it so casually, it makes the two wonder why they’re even there.

“No.” Her words make CEO Min sigh, causing Jinyoung to raise an eyebrow. Even when agreeing, he found the tone a bit offensive. “I work with who I want and when I want. You didn’t do your job of presenting a tolerable client and what’s more, you expect me to join a project I don’t know anything about? Shall I do your job for you?” She spits anger out from her words as she stands up, her veins filled with agitation. “Mr. Park, we will not be collaborating on your group’s next album or music video, whatever it may be.” She gives a glare back to the supposed CEO, turning on her heels to get back to the elevator. She doesn't look back at their apologetic actions nor does she listen to their yelps of ‘Wait!’.

As Jihye disappears from his sight, Jinyoung whispers a little, “Tch” before rising in his own seat. He picks up his stained blazer from the table and turns to face the older woman. “Next time, pick a patient artist, Mrs. Min. Wouldn’t want your reputation to sink like this meeting.” He leaves the room, a flabbergasted woman paying him just about all the mind. He quickly takes the next elevator, his fingers massaging his own temple.

He’s had enough of shitty events one after the other. He’s not sure if he’s thankful for Hwan Jihye’s refusal or offended she’s so unable to work with him. It’s both insulting and interesting, for sure. He’d even admit that she initially caught some of his eye at first. He couldn’t deny that she has beautiful features, her style somewhat similar to his. Although, the appeal rapidly disappeared as reality hit him like a truck. His displeasure was fair, at least in his eyes. Her cold demeanor did nothing to her looks except diminish their entreaty. The apology had no sincerity and yes, he’s aware that the he’s a pot calling the kettle black.

He hurries home, wanting to simply wind down with a book he still needs to finish. Exquisite literature with a cup of tea has always been his saving grace when needed. He readily places his blazer in the laundry, meaning to do it later. He sits upon his bed and places his already made tea on his nightstand. He looks for the book, having remembered the cover was a bright green. His eyes can’t find it. He grows confused but his eyes do land on an unfamiliar one in the meantime.

He finds it to be like a storybook. Long in height and extravagant in looks. It has a black cover, one resembling the night sky. Gold letters spell out a phrase he can vaguely recognize.

“Not By The Moon?”

hi, if you read or checked this out, tysm !! sorry for lowkey ooc jinyoung 🙇🏽‍♀️ I’d rlly appreciate it if you could reblog or like this post. I’d love to hear what ppl think so a comment is awesome too. This is also a work of fiction and for entertainment purposes.

[recentanimenews]

FEATURE: How Usopp the Liar Became a True Hero in One Piece

  Hello everyone, and welcome to Why It Works. Over the past couple months, I’ve been powering through One Piece at breakneck speed, journeying from the early crew recruitment through the end of Enies’ Lobby. After my earlier attempts at breaking into the series sputtered out, I’m finally learning what so many fans already know: One Piece improves at an absurd rate over its first several arcs, polishing and expanding in basically every way a narrative can. Nowhere is that evolution more clear than in the journey of the Straw Hats’ most unlikely crewmate: Usopp the Liar.

    When Usopp first entered the crew, I frankly found him pretty obnoxious. He appeared to be an icon of the kind of loud, slapstick comedy you frequently find in battle anime, which doesn’t have much appeal to me. Additionally, it was clear from the start that he couldn’t measure up to titans like Luffy or Zoro in terms of physical strength, and given his clownish disposition, I feared he was destined to be relegated to the peanut gallery — one of those characters who can only stand on the sidelines, cheering for the actual heroes to succeed.

  As it turns out, while Usopp is a bit of a clown, he ultimately proved to more often play the opposite role. While Luffy, Zoro, or Sanji might happily engage in some ludicrous, death-defying shenanigans, Usopp could generally be found on Nami’s side, playing the straight man to their ridiculous ideas. The reason for that would neatly resolve my second concern — both One Piece and Usopp himself are perfectly aware of his own fragility. While many of the Straw Hats are superhumans enjoying a superhuman adventure, Usopp is a normal human on a superhuman adventure, with all the incessant peril that would involve.

    The wildly uneven strengths of the Straw Hats is actually one of the more interesting things about One Piece. Not all of the Straw Hats are fighters; they’re first and foremost a ship’s crew, with several members more suited to maintenance or navigation than combat. Because of this, the non-combat-oriented crew members frequently have to find ways to contribute that avoid direct fighting. Over the first several arcs, Usopp offers sharpshooting, basic engineering, misdirection, and a profound talent for making friends with strange, dangerous creatures.

  Rather than being a dramatic drawback, this uneven power distribution actually becomes one of One Piece’s signature strengths. With this need for dramatic flexibility baked into the very fundamentals of its cast dynamics, One Piece is essentially required to come up with conflicts more complicated than “all of our guys fight all of their guys,” offering far more narrative creativity and complexity than your average action property. At the same time, this imbalance also helps emphasize the scale of a world like One Piece, wherein a character like Usopp will perpetually be staring up at giants he could never hope to face. 

    Eventually, Usopp’s persistent efforts to prove his worth as a crewmate fall short, and he begins to internalize the futility of his situation. By the time the Straw Hats reach Water 7, their journeys have long since lost their original playfulness and even mightier monsters are looming on the horizon. His journey echoes that of the Going Merry itself; beaten and bruised, he no longer has the strength to match up with their challenges or the hope of ever being a “great warrior” like them. His ultimate goal is the point they’re starting from, as they gaze toward challenges he could never even imagine. And thus, when Luffy makes his well-intended but deeply misguided speech about abandoning the Merry, Usopp explodes.

  Usopp clearly loves the Merry, even more so than any other member of the Straw Hats. They essentially “joined the crew” at the same time, and the ship had been not just his friend, but also perhaps his most essential role within the crew. Though Usopp was not a shipwright, he took maintaining the ship as a clear point of pride, something that was usually all too rare on their journeys.

    But more than his feelings about the Merry itself, Usopp personally relates to the Merry. He sees himself in their ship — a creaky, amusing companion who’s journeyed with them this far, but simply doesn’t possess the strength to help them any longer. Luffy’s dismissal of the Merry feels like a dismissal of him, and the anger of his own response reflects his understanding that Luffy is right. Usopp isn’t really strong enough for this journey anymore and doesn’t really have any skills they could not replace. He’s not an indispensable member of the Straw Hats, he’s just Usopp — and he suspects, if Luffy were willing to be as pragmatic about his crewmates as his ship, Luffy would likely toss him off too.

  It’s a hard thing to come face to face with your own limitations like that, and harder still when the verdict comes from the person you respect the most. Usopp does not accept this situation with dignity; he rages against it, blaming Luffy for his callousness, and literally fighting his captain to prove he can measure up in this world. Given his admitted understanding of both his and the Going Merry’s limits, you could perhaps consider this his way of saying goodbye — of giving the crew an excuse to leave him by leaving first and thus taking the blame upon himself. So certain of his inadequacy, perhaps this is the only way he thinks he can still help the Straw Hats.

    But ultimately, fate intervenes. Captured first by Franky’s family, and then by the World Government, Usopp finds himself taking part in the Straw Hats’ next adventure in spite of himself. Though he truly believes he is not strong or brave enough to be a Straw Hat anymore, he no longer has the choice to abandon their adventure. And so, Usopp defends himself the only way he can, by employing a power he’s been cultivating since his very first episode.

  Usopp lies. He has always been a teller of tall tales, bragging of the foes he’s bested and giants he’s befriended — but now, surging across the tempestuous seas of the grand line, he is in a world of true giants. In order to believe he belongs here, he lies — both to his crewmates and to himself. He puts on a pointed mask and dons the mantle of Sniper King, the hero of countless battles, whose brave feats on Sniper Island and legions of followers mark him as a clear equal of the Straw Hats.

    Usopp might not be strong enough to be a Straw Hat, but Sniper King can be. After all, Sniper King is as strong as Usopp says he is. Usopp uses his signature talent to ultimately fool himself, proclaiming himself strong and brave, and through doing so forcing himself to embody those qualities. If his conflict is a crisis of faith, then he just needs a new symbol to believe in. Usopp might not truly be on par with the other Straw Hats, but if he can force himself to believe he is, then perhaps the difference is negligible.

  Having given himself permission to believe he is Straw Hat material, Sniper King goes on to prove that he really is Straw Hat material. Not with his combat strengths — among the Straw Hats, he alone doesn’t defeat a member of CP9. Instead, he chips in with all the strengths he’s been cultivating so far, the various oddball strengths that nonetheless add up to an essential teammate. His upgrades to Nami’s weapon allow her to win multiple battles. His kind and courageous heart win him the friendship of the Lobby’s own giant protectors. His genuinely formidable sniping abilities keep Robin safe. In the end, his passionate faith in his captain and ability to boast of greatness even in the face of certain death gives Luffy the last, vital push to secure victory.

    Usopp demonstrates that whatever our natural talents, we are as indispensable as we choose to be. Through his journey, he not only expands One Piece’s dramatic horizons but also illustrates something essential about the nature of bravery and how we construct our self-image. I could easily relate to that sharp terror of not measuring up to my peers and the ways that optimistic lies can help us through impossible circumstances. Usopp embodies the difficulty of believing in yourself, and his journey feels all the more meaningful for just how difficult it was and how great the distance between him and his friends. He’s a remarkably compelling hero and my favorite Straw Hat so far.

      Nick Creamer has been writing about cartoons for too many years now and is always ready to cry about Madoka. You can find more of his work at his blog Wrong Every Time, or follow him on Twitter.

  Do you love writing? Do you love anime? If you have an idea for a features story, pitch it to Crunchyroll Features!

By: Nick Creamer

[hannahwaterman]

Documenting 2: Visual Research

Martin Parr 

Martin Parr is an English documentary photographer who is best known for his photography of the tradition of the Great British Holiday. He is probably my favourite photographer in the world, as I love how honestly and candidly he captures life. He has had around 40 solo photobooks published, and has featured in around 80 exhibitions worldwide. When asked about the art of documenting people through photography, and the ethics involved, he said the following: 

“I think that all photography involving people has an element of exploitation, and therefore I am no exception. However it would be a very sad world if photographers were not allowed to photograph in public places. I often think of what I photograph as a soap opera where I am waiting for the right cast to fall into place. In more recent years I have photographed much closer where bits of people and food become part of the big picture, and one advantage of this is that it means people are less recognisable.”

Tish Murtha

Tish Murtha was a Northern English documentary photographer who took black and white photos to create a record of youth unemployment, juvenile jazz bands, kids in Elswick in South Shields, and a series of photos of London by night. Her work is very striking and raw, the black and white photography really adds a sort of grit and solemness to her photographs. 

Francesco Faraci

Faraci is a Sicillian street photographer. I think his work is really beautiful and raw, and much like a contemporary version of Tish Murtha’s work. 

Jason Florio

Jason Florio is an English documentary photographer. This photoseries is called Destination Europe, and it shows the journey of refugees from Libya to Europe. He has done several documentation projects all around the world, and Destination Europe was one that won him a Magnum Photography Award in 2017. These photos are seriously effecting - they are beautiful and devastating, and tell a story brilliantly. This is documentary photography with a real purpose and meaning. These photos are heartbreaking.

Keir Edmonds 

“Berlin-based English urban sketching artist Keir Edmonds keeps a visual diary that illustrates his life as an expat in Germany’s capital. Believing that “you have to put in 10,000 hours to get really good at something,” the self-confessed “Englishman lost in Berlin” carries a sketchbook and pen everywhere he goes. From local architecture to summertime canals and graffiti-covered streets, his growing portfolio captures the undeniable charm of the city.

Edmonds started keeping sketchbook journals in 2015 with the goal to improve his skills in observational drawing.”

Sam Winston

Sam Winston is an artist based in London, who says his “practice is concerned with language not only as a carrier of messages but also as a visual form in and of itself”. He is known for his typography and his abstract illustration, having worked with some of the biggest art galleries in the world.

These images are from a project he undertook called 7 days - “a long durational studio work where the artist lived without sight for seven days and nights. Repeatedly transcribing five sentences the image created is without any visual reference.”

Sam says, “The idea of going ‘under’ or without images fascinated me. I had read of yogis spending years in complete darkness and psychologists running light deprivation studies but for me the question was - what landscapes are available to the artist when they are only given an internal view for seven days?

Biologically speaking the absence of daylight triggers large hormone imbalances in the pineal glad located in the centre of the brain. This gland normally releases melatonin which is the hormone that regulates sleep - and with this out of balance - you will quickly find yourself operating outside of conventional time.”

This method of abstract documentation is something I find very intriguing. As a designer, you have information input into you and it is your job to translate this meaningfully into the world. If we restrict our outputs and inputs, and put ourselves under strictor creative parameters, then as creatives we we surely find a way to make great work through the power of thinking ourelves out of those restrictions.

1. ‘A durational work where a pencil line records the length of every exhalation. The length of each line marks the length of time it takes to exhale. These marks were recorded over a 15 hour day without break. “The premise is deceptively simple - marking either an exhalation or inhalation with a pencil line - the length of the duration of a breath. Yet the cumulative effect of this action is a map that reveals a unique bridge between our unconscious and conscious functioning. It is also a refocusing of attention to our dependent relationship within the aerobic world.”

2. ‘An on going series of collages looking a various components of drawing. Each image contains one complete pencil.“This is the beginnings of a process looking at the materiality of the objects that inform artistic practice.  By literally exploding, dissolving and collaging broken down artists tools we reveal their history and legacy. Whether the pencil graphite is from mines in China or the New Mexican cotton farms that make rag made paper - each artwork is a testimony to a globalized economy and the unseen geography of the tools by which we make art. “‘

3. ‘Birth day is an project that charts the 183,600 lives that come into being on the planet over a period of 12 hours. The participants draw circles to remember loved ones and also register their names in writing. In this way the public are asked to connect their own personal narrative to the much broader theme of population growth and decline.“By the time you’ve read this sentence three people have been born into the world.From observing this process I have noticed that the moment a person draws a circle (and it has a name) the artwork stops being about statistics and becomes a wall of brothers, sisters, mothers etc - in this particular case representing 260,000 lives that are born and die in 12 hours.”’

The text of Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet was read and categorised into three emotional states – passion, rage & solace. Once theses these three categories of text were typeset & printed they became the material for three the hand cut collages. The final work is the combined print of the typeset category and the hand cut collage.

Nathalie Miebach

Boston-based conceptual artist Nathalie Miebach weaves colorful, complex sculptures using rope, wood, paper, fibers, and data from weather events. Two of the artist’s recent series explore the impact of storm waters on our lives and on marine ecosystems, with variables like wind and temperature (and the harmony of the composition) often informing the rainbow of colors used to translate the data into a three-dimensional structure.

Priscilla Coleman

Priscilla Coleman is a courtroom illustrator. This is a dying art and in the UK there are only four official courtroom illustrators left. “It’s as if you’re memorising for a test,” she tells It’s Nice That. “You forget the details so you have to write something that will trigger your memory. Once I had to draw a line of airline hijackers, and they all had black hair but different hairstyles. One had long sideburns so I wrote Elvis, one was skinny so I wrote ‘skeleton man’, for others I wrote ‘potato nose’ or ‘fried hair’ or for another, I wrote the name of an ex-boyfriend he reminded me of! People’s faces are fascinating.”

Scott Elmquist

This man is a very inspiring documentary photographer. The last image above is an extremely powerful photograph to me. It shows black youth playing basketball under the defaced statue of a coloniser. Amazing. Above that is part of his Americana documentary photography series, capturing rural midwestern America and it’s communities. 

[gibelwho]

Top 5: Directorial Debuts

This Top 5 reviews Directorial Debuts, considering the film that was the opening gambit in a director’s career. The requirements for this list are straightforward - the films considered must be full length and had a theatrical run, so short films (although oftentimes a way into the business for directors) were not counted and neither were made for TV movies. Additionally, this list is considering films that were directed by a single person, so first films with co-director’s were not considered (although some fantastic films fall into this category, such as On the Town or Monty Python and the Holy Grail). The final consideration, although not a firm requirement, was that this first film was an opening artistic achievement that became a launching point for a notable and long career to follow.

Gibelwho Productions Presents Directorial Debuts:

5. Spike Jonze / Being John Malkovich

4. Rob Reiner / This is Spinal Tap

3. Pete Doctor / Monsters, Inc.

2. Alex Garland / Ex Machina

Rob Marshall / Chicago

Spike Jonze / Being John Malkovich (1999): This film was not only the theatrical directorial debut for music video savant Spike Jonze, but was also the first feature penned by the now acclaimed screenwriter Charlie Kaufman. Their appreciation for bizarre storylines and unique artistic sensibilities combined to make a mark on the cinematic landscape of Hollywood and opened the doors for both to careers that continue to tell non-traditional stories. Jonze had to contend with a confounding script, but managed to keep the audiences engaged with the twists and turns, and also tuned into the emotional journeys of his main players, including a representation of real-life actor John Malkovich himself. The film is filled with memorable visual sequences, including an office floor with cramped ceilings, John Malkovich’s point of view shot when ordering bath towels, and the incredible mind-bending sequence when John Malkovich enters the portal into his own mind, encountering a world filled with multiple John Malkovichs.

Rob Reiner / This is Spinal Tap (1984): Not only is Rob Reiner’s first feature a hilarious mixture of conceits with a generous helping of improvisation from comedic actors, but it also launched an entirely new genre - the mockumentary. To keep the documentary feel, Reiner produced a mix of shooting styles, including hand-held cinema-verite style, titles to introduce band members, creating black and white faux television “archival” footage, traditional documentary interview footage, and also capturing onstage theatrics. While most of the humor is in the actor’s improvised lines, the camera is not just silently observing, but also gets into the jokes and elevates the gags with visual commentary. With this film, Reiner transitioned from an actor to an established director and continued into a fabulous career that dipped into a multitude of different genres, producing several films now considered modern classics.

Pete Doctor / Monsters, Inc. (2001): While Toy Story was the original revolutionary release from the new animation studio Pixar (also with a first time director), Monsters, Inc. earns its place on this list because of the genius of Pete Doctor. The film was the fourth feature from Pixar, and the first to be helmed by a director other than John Lasseter. Pixar’s legacy (and now future, as he has assumed the role of Chief Creative Officer at Pixar following Lasseter’s exit for inappropriate behavior), was in safe hands with Doctor, who has consistently produced the Pixar films with the most unique conceits and beloved characters. This all started with his story development and leadership on Monsters, Inc., a film that achieved technical advancement with the realistic rendering of monster Sulley’s fur, but also one of the most breathtaking action sequences Pixar has ever envisioned, involving the hunt for little Boo’s bedroom door amongst a cavalcade of children’s doors, all swirling around madly in the warehouse storage space. Doctor’s first effort at Pixar produced a delightful tale, proving that Pixar could still herald the magic when the reigns were handed to other directors, and setting him up for more delightful classics to be directed.

Alex Garland / Ex Machina (2014): Alex Garland transitioned from a successful screenwriting career to directing with this astonishing piece of art - intellectual, challenging, visually stunning, and with a twisting plot that ensures the audience is on the edge of their seat throughout the film’s runtime. The screenplay was especially tight, as to be expected from a writer of Garland’s quality, but his work behind the camera was also incredibly solid, playing with the various textures of the setting’s remote mansion’s stone, wood, metal, and glass and also with the robot Ava’s combination of machine metal and human flesh. Garland expertly uncoils a new element in each conversation, scene, and session, slowly expanding the audience's understanding of the world and motivations of each character, until an explosive ending that revels in a woman taking control of her own destiny.

Rob Marshall / Chicago (2002): What are the odds that a directorial debut revitalizes the musical genre for a modern audience - and then goes on to win the Academy Award? Rob Marshall’s background as a dancer and choreographer masterly transferred to the filmmaking space - expertly conceiving the musical numbers (and entire film!), using all the tools at a filmmaker's disposal that a live theatrical experience cannot - camera composition such as close ups, crafting pacing through editing cuts, and matching sound to image. In the best tradition of Bob Fosse, newly minted director Rob Marshall set his mark upon the filmmaking landscape and brought back musicals as a viable avenue for the industry - a popular success at both the box office and amongst critical circles. Plus the film is so damn fun, with inspired performances by Renee Zellweger and Catherine Zeta-Jones as the two murderers on death’s row that just want to make it in show business. Each number tops the next and (with the small exception of Richerd Gere’s tepid singing and dancing skills) are executed with such spirit and razzle dazzle. And all that jazz!

Honorable Mentions:

Orson Welles / Citizen Kane (1941): For the movie that is consistently hailed as the greatest cinematic film ever to be made, it is quite amazing that it was created by a first time director who also cast himself as the lead role. After Orson Welles notorious stunt with the radio broadcast of The War of the Worlds (which caused mayhem as many in the public believed the play was in fact news outlets reporting actual happenings), Hollywood courted this untried director, giving him immense freedom inside the usually structured studio system. The result was a film that experimented with cinematography, editing, writing and narrative structure - all which have since been hailed as innovative leaps forward in the conception and construction of filmmaking. While the film at the time was a box office flop, Welles left his indelible mark on the industry after the promotion of his efforts by the celebrated French film critic and auteur theory supporter Andre Bazan in Cahiers du Cinema. The film can be a bit rough to the tastes of modern audiences, including the exaggerated performance style, but its technical achievements are not to be missed.

Frank Darabont / The Shawshank Redemption (1994): Another film that did middling during its initial box office run, but has since achieved the status of cult and critical favorite, came from the creative spirit of Frank Darabont, who adapted a Stephen King novella and, by sticking to his resolution to lead the film, was eventually given the chance to direct the feature. With a tight screenplay, phenomenal performances by Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman, and cinematography by the masterful Roger Deakins - it flourished in the rental market and endured to become one of the highest rated films across many critical lists.  

Andrew Niccol / Gattaca (1997): Another writer / new director’s debut contains provocative ideas and powerful imagery paired with striking production design. It is incredible what Andrew Niccol accomplished on a smaller budget, all in service of the story’s dystopian future that feels as though it could be only a few generations away from our own time, where genetics determine a human’s entire future and those who were conceived naturally are condemned to live as a lower caste. The human’s desire to improve their lot in life and explore the universe comes in direct conflict with how science can be used to create fissures in society, enabling human expansion to space, but also limiting a single human’s rights and liberties. Grand ideas and grand design are the drapery for a compelling human story. 

Upcoming

Lin-Manuel Miranda /  tick, tick...Boom! (TBD): Based on the first stage musical by Jonathan Larson, this will be Lin-Manuel Miranda’s first foray into the directorial seat. Since the debut of the smash hit Hamilton, his career has been expanding by leaps and bounds, but he has taken a studied, measured approach to stepping into the director’s role. Miranda cited one reason for signing on to the Mary Poppins Returns movie as a chance to study under the masterful Rob Marshall, receiving a front row seat to a masterclass from one of the best filmmakers to capture musical theater in the cinematic format. Miranda himself was part of a theatrical production of tick, tick...Boom! earlier in his career, so he is very familiar with the material (although the screenplay will need to significantly expand the set of characters from a modest three to include the many roles that have been cast). Unfortunately, at the time of writing, due to the pandemic, filming has shut down; but once they have resumed and the film has a chance to see the light of day on Netflix, I will be eagerly awaiting one of my most beloved musicals to come to life through Miranda’s nascent directorial vision.

[inthestars011]

thoughts on aries sun (1H), leo moon (6H), pisces rising, aries venus (1H), pisces mercury (1H) & sagittarius mars (9H)? thank you 🖤

hi! I’d like to note I’m just learning astrology and am no means a professional and I’m still learning new things everyday. I’ll pick this apart and tell you a bit about each placement that I know of and I will tell you little things about what I think about how it interacts with one another however less of it will be about the chart as a whole and what it means when everything is together because I’m still piecing that together and trying to understand that for myself.

Aries sun, first house- okay I’m an Aries sun and I found that I never really related to my Aries sun fully. It was almost funny to me because a lot of the traits were the person I wish to be sometimes and not the person I really was. (Which is funny because I later found that was my midheaven which is a lot to do with that). anyways I found out that my Aries sun was in my tenth house and this made a bit more sense because it meant that yes I had Aries energy but my Aries energy is really expressed in career, in first impressions, in role models, in competition, in my father figure etc. and this made more sense because when I thought about those areas, yes, those are the areas that I probably acted more competitive and brave in and I do value those traits but I use them more in my career and in competition and have never been that way in romantic relationships friendships in my emotional life In my family life etc. The house placement helped me understand why my sun was in Aries and why maybe I didn’t feel very much like an Aries person. however for you, your case is the typical Aries person in and out. yes there’s other aspects of your personality that matter and we will dive into but the first house is the house of self, and sun is the core you. So when the sun is expressed In the first house the sun naturally being bright and flamboyant is going to shine through you, meaning, you and other people probably really see and get why you have an Aries sun, this placement seems to obviously fit you. Sun in the first constantly questions who am I? And your life is really respresented around your shaping of your identity. And your sun is in Aries which means you’re probably rather competitive, brave, creative, impulsive and yes maybe even a little self centred. However if anybody needs to be self centred it is you because sun in the first house basically means your life path is to find yourself, to make a name for yourself and to do things for yourself. your Pisces rising is actually rather selfless though. so this makes me think you have to learn in life when you must choose to do things for yourself and when you must choose sacrifice. Your constant issue will be learning which is the right path to take when it comes to That. You are seen as an open book however and you give a what you see is what you get vibe. you aren’t the type that people are to meet and become friends with and be like oh you’re different than what I first thought, you tend to exhibit an honest image. overall you’re a really independent person and you learned that the person you can most rely on is you.

Leo moon, 6th house- first of all your fire sun in the first with a fire moon? You got mad fire energy. I assume you’re super creative and impulsive and a little dramatic too but definitely a fun person. Leo moons are very dramatic when expressing emotions, doesn’t always have to be a pity party though sometimes it’s almost funny because they tell it through elaborate stories and make everyone intrigued. Your emotions come out in a storytelling way and your life is almost like a movie or a sitcom which makes you generally entertaining and fun to be around. All fire moons however can be blunt when dealing with emotional matters and think truth comes first which is good for some people and can be a little much for others so I’d watch that. One thing about Leo is they are super generous so when you emotionally connect with someone you want to give them everything you can and people really appreciate that about you. You have an innate confidence as well that people probably find super attractive. With moon in the sixth your emotional health has an almost direct correlation to your physical health, so when you are upset you may find yourself feeling almost physically ill. Sometimes a Leo moon in 6th house can have a need for attention and therefore be a hypochondriac however that is not everybody. Although you would seem spontaneous with the moon in Leo you actually need routine and to get things done to feel emotionally okay and being moon in Leo you may be explosive or emotionally dramatic if this does not happen or someone threatens your routine. You naturally like taking care of people with moon in the 6th (usually practically) and make a good nurse however with your moon in Leo you do like the attention as well and want to be recognized for when you are doing these good deeds or at least have the same done for you. You are caring but not to the point of being sacrificial which is actually really good and healthy.

Pisces rising- people may find that you seem kinda spacey or ethereal looking. You may have especially glossy pretty eyes. Even though you have a lot of Leo and self energy, a Pisces is rising is always noted for being able to intuitively pick up on others feelings and being extremely sensitive to them. If you don’t yet have this gift you are yet to develop it, and your life path pretty much involves sacrificing yourself for something, which may be difficult as it’s natural for you to do things to serve yourself (which isn’t always bad) but you will eventually learn to serve others and that is your journey.

Aries Venus in the first house- the Venus in the first house almost balances your sun in the first house softening you a little to the public. You’re probably very friendly and people like to be around you. You are warm to others. You are also probably incredibly physically attractive and persuasive. People may find this to be superficial charm however because you do have an inherent need to be liked by others ( which goes against your very self first attitude). You have a very sexy wild charm people can’t resist. It’s likely with Aries Venus in the first you have a beautiful and athletic body. The type of beauty you hold is usually bold striking and sexy due to Aries. Although with your Aries sun and your Leo moon you do put yourself first, a close second is relationships, love is actually a huge priority for you, it’s like your life supply. You tend to be childlike and fun in love. You aren’t afraid to flirt and are usually the one to make the first moves in love. However you do love the chase which may make u jump from relationship to relationship not liking when things get stale and too stable. You don’t like easy love and it entices you more to win someone over because you love the game, and even more the game loves you.

Pisces mercury in 1st house- When you talk people listen. Whether loud or quiet your voice commands people, you have a very bold presence. You love to talk and communicate with friends and really do love to hear what others have to say but you may have a little habit of interrupting people, just because you have such good ideas and inferences you want to communicate them right away before they disappear. People may find your personality changes due to who you’re around a lot. You are very mentally quick and can be distracted just as quick as well. You have lots of nervous and bubbly energy. You aren’t very logical and you are usually thinking about things in an emotional and creative way. People may find you talk in spirals and it’s rather confusing. Your imagination is so vivid that sometimes you may believe your own fantasies. You could naturally be a good poet as you have a very creative and emotional mind. However you are super vulnerable to believing everything that is said to you and need to make sure you aren’t trusting every word you hear.

Sag mars 9th house- Lots of firey energy bursts that burn brightly but burn out quickly. You apply force and then move on, you aren’t good at sticking through to the end. Same as when you get angry, you do feel the rage and probably act on it harshly but after you’re mad and you’ve talked to out you’ve probably moved on from it already. You’re super bluntly honest also!!! which could definitely be gentled out as it can hurt others more than u realize. Chances are you’re rather adventurous, love travel and maybe even have a sporty side. Sagittarius and 9th house are both known for adventure and travel so it’s totally highlighted here and I bet you love that shit. It’s usually highlighted that you’ll have lots of fun travels as well as a good education. You have very strong opinions and sometimes could use to be more open minded to other people’s thoughts even if they differ to yours. I find this placement tends to have a great sense of Humour as well.

Overall- Stellium in the first, your life is very self focused. When it comes to relationships, when it comes to your general life path and when it comes to how you communicate and learn as well. I think your Pisces rising is almost there to balance that out, because though yes you are very driven and motivated and should be here to do great things for yourself and improve yourself always, there is something that you often need to sacrifice to have those things.

Pretty fire dominant, you’ve got lots of creative potential, you’re dramatic, you’re fun, you’re intense , you’re competitive and you’re an honest person. Embellish these parts of you but learn to accept and flourish more soft and stable parts of you as well. Like your Pisces mercury and rising, there is a very soft watery part of you that sometimes shows itself and it’s okay to show that part of you, it’s okay to sacrifice and it’s okay to be soft sometimes.

Your lack of earth however shows you might need some stability and some work on your common sense. which is okay to accept, we all have things to work on.

you’re such a beautiful amazing human being and I hope this made sense ❤️🌸

[haribojelee]

Episode 13 of Season 2 has finally convinced me: Mob Psycho has cemented its place as my favorite anime of all time, and Mob, as my favorite anime protagonist.

I was iffy about starting it in the beginning, because I was one of the people who were put off by its art style. I’d only seen still images of the anime, and the drawings looked simple and were not at all what I was used to seeing in anime shows. On a whim, while searching for a new show to watch after I was done binging MHA, I watched the first two episodes a couple weeks ago.

I would like to say that it hooked me in right away, but that wasn’t the case. Rather, it was more of a slow pull; nothing about the show immediately caught my attention (other than the gorgeous scenes of Mob exorcising spirits, the colors and movement of the camera were incredible), but I kept coming back to it. I grew to appreciate the art style and came to realize how incredible the animation of this show really was. The simple designs of the characters didn’t detract from their expressions and personalities, but rather added to them; the animators could stretch the characters’ facial expressions to ridiculous levels to convey the most extreme of emotions and it still didn’t seem out of place because it was fitting for the art style. The characters could take up more interesting and dynamic poses and have a variety of body languages because the animators could focus more on the details of bodily expression rather than on complex character design. You could see that evidently in the way that a character like Reigen moves: his fluid stride, his expressive gestures. The character that seemed most immune to this, though, was Mob, the main character, the one that I should have been getting attached to the most... and though I liked Mob a lot, he wasn’t my favorite character of the show by the end of Season 1. The moments where I really did appreciate his character were during his rare displays of emotions: things like his emotional breakdown after his fight with Hanazawa and his guttural cry of “Riiitsuuuuu!!!” when Koyama attempted to take his brother. Most of the time, though, he was as stiff as a board, even during fight scenes, and it’s hard to get attached to a character who so rarely shows emotions (at least for me), because a part of following a character throughout their journey is seeing how outside events affect them and how they learn to grow from them. But that was also a part of his characterization and I understand that. Besides, that all built up to Season 2.

So, I finished Season 1, and I really wanted to have an out of body experience and dropkick myself in the face because how the hell did I let my biases against what I construed as “rudimentary art styles” keep me from enjoying a show this good for so long? And man, Season 2—

From the first episode, we get the sense that this season will be about Mob’s growth as a person. The first thing we see in this season is how he defeats an evil spirit by learning from it, rather than passively exorcising it. The scene where he gets teary-eyed while picking up the scraps of Emi’s notebook, saying, “I made the decision to consider my feelings more. And you need to pick up things you feel are important,” hits me like a tidal wave every time (and might I add how phenomenal Itou Setsuo’s voice acting is and how fitting it is for Mob’s character?). Throughout the beginning of this season, Mob starts to assert and question more things: who am I to exorcise a family of ghosts who are only living peacefully? Who’s going to stop me if I’m overcome with power? Won’t even a fake curse still have some effect on how the client thinks about the situation? He asserts that he doesn’t want to exorcise the ghosts. He questions whether Reigen was right in simply waving off the client with a fake curse. He decides that he wants to save Minori and is determined to. He’s adamant in his belief that rather than hurting people who are in the wrong, the best route of solution is to help them change. That’s why he forgives Minori for her shitty actions. He’s upset at Reigen for dismissing him and ignoring his growth so he decides to let it be shown. He forgives Reigen because he knows that Reigen is a good person, even though sometimes he can be inconsiderate toward him. His growth is most outrightly shown when he says he wants to confess to Tsubomi after getting in the top 10 at the school marathon. He has goals. He’s determined. Whereas in the beginning of Season 1, he wasn’t even able to decide by himself whether he wanted to join an extracurricular club or not.

When Mogami wants to get rid of Minegishi, Mob so firmly believes that he can change and, though he can’t completely trust Minegishi to follow through, he has to have faith that he will. Mogami reluctantly lets Minegishi go, while instilling that Mob’s kindness will not always be the answer and that it’ll be necessary to be hard on people. And Mob takes this to heart, too, as we can see when he tells Reigen and the other espers that they’ll only get in the way in his battle with Touichirou. On his way, he encounters Serizawa who, much like himself from the beginning, was isolated and in dissonance with his psychic abilities. He conveys to him all of the things that he learned through his journey and helps him change; he recognizes that the relationships he built throughout the story has made him grow as a person, and that Serizawa too can grow from it if he just has the right people surrounding him. He offers to be just that, a friend, a person who can understand the things that Serizawa is going through, because that’s what helped him out of his isolated state.

And finally, episode 13, what a fucking trip. Mob goes through so many emotions in just this one episode than we’ve seen from him over the course of two seasons. For the first time, we see him in pure ecstasy, because for the first time, he can truly unleash his powers, untethered by the fear of hurting those around him. We don’t expect to see him smile like that after Touichirou bombards him with fallen building blocks and laser beams and when we see it as the camera zooms in on his face, it’s chilling, almost scary. We’ve never seen Mob like that before. But as he catches a glimpse of Ritsu, he’s lurched back into reality and we see his shame as he’s hunched over on a piece of falling rock. Touichirou’s powers turn him into a bestial, otherwordly being while Mob keeps his form as he goes through multiple emotions at 100%. I’m glad that he never reaches ???% during this fight, because having a subconscious part of him that he has no control over take part in this fight would defeat the purpose of showing his growth; feeling his emotions at 100% without letting them get loose is a result of, I think, the things that tether Mob to his reality. Things like the Body Improvement Club (”Body improvement!!! Fight on!!!!!” omg that had me in pieces), Tsubomi (”I also have someone I need to express my feelings to!”), his brother, Hanazawa, Reigen, all keep him grounded. We see his ideal that he’s kept from the beginning (♫ I keep my ideals sorezore ♫—oh wrong anime) when he says to Touichirou, as he sits in a barrier within a coming explosion: “Just having powers doesn’t mean everything will work out for you.” And something he’s learned along the way: “That’s perfectly fine, as long as you make the important choices yourself.”

And that’s the line that made me completely fall in love with Mob’s character. Here’s the awkward kid who, in the beginning, had to call Reigen to ask if he should join a club, was fooled so easily into attending a cult by a woman who guessed his worries wrong three times, was torn between using his powers against Claw because he couldn’t decide whether he should listen to Reigen or his brother and Hanazawa, was too easily convinced to run for student council president and ended up making a fool of himself. He learns to make his own important choices and we see that so clearly. He makes the choice to run the marathon with his own physical abilities instead of listening to Mezato. He makes the choice to go after Touichirou alone. He makes the choice to stay with Touichirou and help him. And the scene of Mob trying to absorb Touichirou’s explosion, even with the pain of it, is a frightening yet heart-wrenching moment exactly because this is where all of his growth has led him to; he’s determined, empathetic, self-sacrificial, and yes, it’s painful to be in the presence of such a powerful explosion but it’s less painful than letting this man suffer through it by himself.

And when I look back at who Mob was in the beginning, that emotionally stifled 14-year-old boy, it makes this kind of development so much more meaningful because it shows just how far he’s come as a character. Mob’s character development is by far my favorite in any show I’ve watched so far. I think a lot of shounen anime tends to focus on the “power of friendship!” “teamwork!” and overall the idea that all is better than one, and Mob Psycho focuses on that, too, of course, because we see how people like Reigen, Hanazawa, Ritsu, and the Body Improvement Club have changed him. But the most significant thing about Mob’s change is his recognition of the importance of independence and autonomy, too; the ability to make his own decisions, to weigh his own consequences, to balance and prioritize what’s important to him. Maybe that’s a simple, self-explanatory thing, something so small that we tend to forget, but in Mob, the realization of it made the biggest difference.

(I may have had to write this because I have no irl friends watching this show and I needed to put all of these pent-up emotions somewhere. It turned out too long lol.)