#also the fact that is still has many of the military aspects has always felt weird to me

[dykecleric]

not super related, but i've always thought it was so weird how wosm and waggs insist on being apartisan while preaching about helping others, creating a better future and being inclusive, which results in shit like this as well as allowing for very conservative people, specially adults, to be in the same spaces as fem, poc, queer, disabled etc youth

A Girl Scout troop leader in Missouri was threatened with legal action by the organization after her troop tried to sell bracelets to raise money for Gaza, according to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. Nawal Abuhamdeh said that it had been the children’s idea to sell bracelets to raise money for the Palestine Children’s Relief Fund. She said that the members of her troop, including her own 10 year-old daughter, had been deeply emotionally impacted by Israel’s brutal military campaign in Gaza, which has killed more than 29,000 people, and at least 10,000 children. “I’m grieving. We are all grieving. We literally couldn’t muster the energy to sell cookies,” Abuhamdeh said. Soon after making a post about the fundraiser, Abuhamdeh said she received an email from the Girl Scouts of Eastern Missouri organization, alerting her that her troop could not support “partisan politics,” and needed to “stay neutral.” The email said that the fundraiser had violated the organization’s governing documents, and that if the troop went forward with their plan, the organization would engage legal counsel to “protect the intellectual property and other rights of the organization.”

[pwnyta]

Sayid ship tierlist! We'll start off with Sayid canon ships!

Shannon/Sayid! Shannon died too soon and she didnt get enough character development for me to believe these two could ever work as a couple off the island. It woulda been interesting to see the writers make it work... because they come from such wildly different worlds and are such wildly different people it woulda been interesting.

BUT THEY FUCKING KILLED HER TOO SOON.

We didnt really get a chance to see Shannon do things for Sayid the way Sayid would do for Shannon which I think the other top tier het ships managed to do! Jin/Sun, Des/Penny, even fuckin Richard/his dead wife... and they only got the one REALLY GOOD EPISODE HOLY SHIT THAT SCENE WITH HUGO WAS SO HEARTBREAKINGLY TRAGIC AND BEAUTIFUL HOLY SHIT LOST WRITERS WHERE WAS THAT ENERGY WITH ANYTHING KATE DID...

Anyways....

Pros- Pretty cute. The juxtaposition of this kind of spoiled brat LA bitch and ... however you wanna try to describe the sheer hell of Sayids life trying make it work... coulda been interesting.

Cons- That same juxtaposition tbh. I just cant see Shannon staying long after she maybe tries shaking Sayid while hes sleeping and he wakes up in a violent panic and grabs her like he did with Jack or his brother...

I dont see her being able to handle him at his worst, the ptsd, all that trauma and violence he's lived through? and the writers never tried to show that aspect... it was just Sayid doing stuff for her. Which was cute... but....

6/10. The faults of this ship is 100% the writers fault for killing Shannon too soon. I dont actually mind that they ended up together in the end... even if it felt kinda weird.

Nadia/Sayid!

I think Nadia is a better match for what they put out. She's essentially his Penny throughout the story (even had a 'another life' thing like Des). Nadia also shares a lot of the tragedy and trauma Sayid has been through and knew him, knew his flaws, why he did what he did, and still loved him so much. The flashsideways scene where she asks him why he didnt love her and he said he did but he didnt deserve her was crazy. Even in that weird fantasy world Sayid could never accept himself or accept someone might love him. Whyd the writers do that... Thats so sad... ANYWAYS.

Nadia was great. Im sad they only got like half a year in real time to be married before THE WRITERS FUCKING KILLED HER OFF TOO WTF....

Pros- They have a shared life history and did work in real time. They had some great scenes together and I love them. I also love that she was one to beg him NOT to do something violent after his brothers attack. So many people ask him to do some violent shit. From Innman with torturing his former CO to fucking SHANNON with asking him to kill Locke. And he listened to all of them (sorta... he almost killed Locke but didnt and she got mad at him for it)... so for Nadia he went back home, picked up the kids, fixed a vase... It was nice. He did kill people, inadvertently cause the death of his friend, and shot himself for her but she never asked him for that shes always asked him to stay with her.

Cons- Because she wasnt on the island she didnt get a lot of screentime and tHE WRITERS FUCKING KILLED HER OFF SO BRUTALLY WTF.

8/10. Would ship again.

Elsa/Sayid!

I mean I GUESS you can call this canon. And the SPICE of it... Two assassins working for opposing forces honeypotting each other... but Sayid accidentally cares for her because despite all of the conditioning toward violence from his abusive father to the military to the hitman stuff... hes still a soft boy with a big heart who just loves too hard. Then they shot each other and he won. And he hated it. Whyd the writers do this to him....

Pros- THE JUICE. One of the juiciest. Honestly I coulda watched a couple episodes of them building their relationship before she shoots him. Id have been SHOOK. Despite my instincts to have everyone be in love with my fav... the fact she pretended to love him, clearly pounded him out real well, and then shot him and complained about NOT killing him to her boss (probably Widmore) MADE IT JUICY AND TRAGIC.

Elsa: Oh Sayid, If only there was someone out there that loved you.

Frozen could never.

Cons- Bitch is a dead. Also she only got the one episode.. Cant help but stan tho.

5/10 just because I cant in good conscious give them a bigger score than Shannon/Sayid. BUT JUICE!!!

Ilana/Sayid!

I mean... theres not much here. Sayid got a little tipsy and was looking for someone to kiss him and once again got betrayed because IDK the writers just like to make Sayid sad?

Pros- Ilana COULD have been interesting if the writers didnt just BLOW HER THE FUCK UP FOR NO REASON.

Cons- Everything else.

2/10. Not much here except theyre both hot and with those boots she had on... you know she woulda been a fun domme but she plays too much (worked for Jacob who did nothing for her and then blew up outta nowhere).

--NON CANON--

Kate/Sayid!

I MEAN... THE TICKET really. Their relationship was one of the best. They clicked up like IMMEDIATELY. The only thing wrong with them is the writers always making Kate run to Sawyer even though he treated Sayid like shit (or Jack which was mostly fine but the lack of chemistry). Like writers you are not making me believe Kate isnt a girls girl. Im sorry. Youre not. Im ignoring it. I honestly wish that Kate was like 'Come on Sayid' and Sayid hopped in her car after Jack and Ben were trying to get them back to the island. WHY NOT? Youre telling me that that wouldnt have happened writers? I DONT BELIEVE IT.

W/E.

THAT SAID... I also kinda wish Kate was a lesbian and hooked up with Claire or Cassidy.

Pros- I mean... lookit the material. (disregard all the awful writers choices with Kate thats not her fault.)

Cons- The one she was pulling with the fake necklaces (how she met Cassidy and then they got gay married probably(?)

9/10! QPP!? ANYONE?? Or they get married. Either way. GOD TIER.

Danielle/Sayid!

I mean... MY FAVORITE HET SHIP WITH SAYID... even if that just had that one episode where she tortured and pet his face a lot... I woulda been cool but the fact she ended up helping them out more because she trusted Sayid was so nice. I also love the episode where she kidnapped Aaron and when she returned him saying she just wanted her daughter back and handed the baby to him while Sayid looked like he was gonna cry for her. WEH.

Their last interaction being Danielle holding Sayid at gunpoint was dumb. I know Sayid would never hold that against her just like he would never hold anything Hugo did against him is pretty great tho.

Pros- Again... lookit the material! Thats a couple of damaged stray/feral cats cuddling for warmth energy.

Cons- They just stopped interacting after that one scene and then the writers fucking killed Danielle off in the dumbest way ever. THIS IS THE WRITERS FAULT.

9/10! Would ship again!

Charlie/Sayid!

Honestly kinda another wasted dynamic that just stops interacting after awhile and then one of them dies. For the time they did interact... it was pretty great. They have a kind of Usopp/Zoro feel to them that I appreciate. Charlie seemed to put a lot of trust in Sayid even after his weird face/heel turn that sucked.

Pros- Theyre kinda goofy together... I enjoy it.

Cons- Charlie got kinda weird then got redemption=death'd. So...

5/10. I cant rate it higher than Shannon/Sayid but they were fun in a similar juxtaposition kinda way!

Sawyer/Sayid!

Girl.

OK.

Its hard to ship these two because of SAWYERS FUCKIN VIOLENT RACISM. I will give it Sawyer tho in the Dharma camp he changed, he tried desperately to save Sayid, he had a HARD HARD time watching Sayid go through what he went through and there were times where Sawyer and Sayid clicked up which honestly was such bad vibes... like if Sawyer is going to Sayid for back up you know theres some crazy shit happening. And it did happen a few times.

I think its a missed opportunity that they never really worked through their animosity and reached a real understanding with each other. Theyve been through some similar shit and think if they talked it out they coulda been a solid unit.

But also the flashsideways having Sawyer be a cop that arrests Sayid for essentially protecting his family is crazy... Of course Sawyer was a fuckin cop.

Pros- ... There is a lot of drama & trauma to work with??

Cons- Racism, torture, just RANCID VIBES. I think one of the worst things is Sawyer saying 'Oh I bet you wanna torture me, show how CIVILIZED you really are' or something like that after he stole the guns...

Like hey cunt he tortured you because you were hoarding resources, beat the shit out of Boone for looking through those resources to find his sisters inhalers, implied you knew where the inhalers were while she was having an asthma attack and refused to tell anyone but Kate and then said youd only tell Kate about them if she kissed you which SHE DID NOT WANT TO DO BUT WAS FORCED TO and then said 'I dont know where they are' effectively WASTING EVERYONES TIME WHILE SHANNON WAS GASPING FOR BREATH.

YOU CANT TALK ABOUT CIVILITY YOU FUCKING ANIMAL.

SAYID SHOULD STICK MORE BAMBOO UNDER YOUR FINGERNAILS ACTUALLY...

or I would say that but Sayid felt so guilty about torturing him and accidentally stabbing him in the arm he banished himself and then later when Anna Lucia tied him too a tree and was contemplating killing him he said he deserved it because what he did to Sawyer...

ANYWAYS...

SAWYER DOES GET BETTER KINDA... 😬LMAO I think fanfiction writers could do a better job writing these guys than the canon writers BUT AS IT IS...

2(?)/10... GIRL. SO RANCID. But man when they worked together it sure was interesting.

Hurley/Sayid!

TIME TO CLEANSE!!! The fact they first bond over Sawyer being shitty to them is phenomenal. The biggest self-hating pessimist vs the most loving, most extreme optimist is beautiful stuff. Nothing reaches the heights of Sayids aggressive dedication to protecting Hurley physically and Hurleys dedication to healing Sayid emotionally. THE PURITY OF THEM.

Pros- Everything I just said. There was so much love there it was crazy.

Cons- Hurley is probably one of the straightest characters in the show LMFAO a man who says dude and gets a little uncomfortable with sincere emotional moments like when Charlie said he loved him and he was like... yeah w/e dude I love you too. GOOFY STRAIGHT BOY NONSENSE.

THAT SAID...

10/10! THE VIBES ARE IMMACULATE. I HOPE THEY GET GAY MARRIED. SUE ME.

Jack/Sayid!

I already went off on them... so just to recap. Sayid is Jacks special lil guy who can do no wrong.

Pros- Sayid was Jacks right hand man and anyone who knows me knows my position on boss/right hand man ships. TOP TIER. MY FAVORITE FLAVOR.

Cons- That one time Jack was with the Dharma people and then took Juliet back with them and didnt tell anyone what was going on and just generally acting sus which made everyone not trust him even Sayid... Literally what was the point of that? At LEAST tell Sayid. Sayid is so damn paranoid if you could get him on board with one of the 'Others' everyone else would have probably just been like 'Ok. I mean if SAYID is cool with it...' Except maybe Sawyer... but maybe even Sawyer cuz he know EXACTLY how Sayid can be. Imma put that on the writers. It was so dumb.

10/10. Why they always lookin in each others eyes like that. Just kiss each other gaybos.

Desmond/Sayid!

Their relationship on the freighter was crazy. Desmond forgetting Sayid but then being like 'I dont know you but you seem to know me so if were friends can you help me?' or w/e and like... They werent really friends? But Sayid helped him so hard anyways and then Desmond looked at him like he hung the moon from then on out.

Even though Sayids reaction to Desmond lookin at him like that was always sheer confusion. Sayid doesnt know what love is and Desmond would like to show him.

Pros- Sayids dedication to saving Desmond despite not really knowing him, Desmond happily returning that energy in the end. Beautiful.

Cons- Des/Penny is sorta hard for me to shift in my mind... kinda like Jin/Sun...

9½/10. Stop lookin at Sayid like that youre freakin him out.

Ben/Sayid!

TIME TO DO THE OPPOSITE OF CLEANSE! If you mixed the toxicity of Sawyer/Sayid(minus the racism) with the JUICINESS of Elsa/Sayid... THE MOST TOXIC JUICE.

Man... Sayid deserved so much better. What I like about them is that they kinda have a more even playing field than when Ben is interacting with Jack or Locke. They keep each other on their toes and its endlessly funny the amount of times Sayid freaks Ben the fuck out... cuz Ben spent so much time being the little freak of the island. The best one was when Ben went to actually go save Sayid and he was like 'Sayid... come with me... theres still time' and Sayid (who had been infected) turns to him with a demented smile and said 'Not for me.' and Ben just backed away slowly then SKEDADDLED. It was so fucking funny.

They matched each others freak in the most twisted way. LMFAO

Pros- None(pos)

Cons- The fact their stories were so intertwined to the point they LITERALLY TURNED EACH OTHER INTO THE MONSTERS THEY BECAME but didnt interact in the flashsideways is crazy. What a missed opportunity. I woulda loved to see whole, kindhearted Mr. Linus interact with sad, tragic Sayid.... Im sorry but their dynamic was way better than Locke and Ben.

10/10 (neg)

Locke/Sayid (& Fake!Locke/Sayid too)!

Locke fucked up so hard making an enemy outta Sayid so early. I think Sayid woulda eventually forgiven being hit (he pretty easily forgave Danielle & even Ana Lucia but maybe thats just apart of Sayid believing in women's rights and also their wrongs so Locke need not apply.) but the fact Locke lied to him and made him think Sawyer was the one who did it further fueling their animosity... I just dont think that was EVER forgiven. Even when they were working together Sayid just did not trust Locke at all. FOR GOOD REASON. Locke lied to him almost as much as fuckin Ben lies!

They woulda been a fuckin killer duo if Locke earned his trust instead tho.

Then to have MiB!Locke take control of Sayid and made him his dragon was just a fuckin cool idea... but it needed more time to work. (Same with Claire, that whole infection thing with them needed more in general.) But YEAH. Coulda been better but the lip-smacking FLAVOR is there.

Pros- Sayids lack of trust in Locke throughout the series due to Locke (technically well-intentioned) deceptions and zombie Sayid ending up as MiB!Lockes right hand man... theres some good shit to work with...

Cons- Didnt have enough time to cook tho IMO.

7/10 tho! BUT THE FLAVOR THO! Yeah I rated it higher than Shannon/Sayid! If youre gonna be canon ya have to be held to higher standard! THOSE ARE THE RULES. TECHNICALLY SHANNON/SAYID IS BETTER BUT EXECUTION... NOT SO MUCH. SUE ME.

----WILDCARD BITCHES!----

WIDMORE/SAYID!

The fact they did not interact is crazy. Sayid wiped out so many of his people first under Ben and then under MiB!Locke and they didnt ever get to interact? Thats crazy.

TBF I dont think they coulda interacted without one of them dying and Sayid 'needed' to have his redemption=death moment and Ben 'needed' to kill Widmore. BUT LIKE... come on. NOT ONCE?

One of Widmores men accidentally (?) killed Sayids wife and Sayid went full JOHN WICKE and started ripping through his people like tissue paper and we didnt get ONE interaction. Thats crazy. Widmore gave Ben his most valuable chess piece!

Also Widmore was a dick to Desmond, Sayid dont take that lightly either.

Pros- THATS CRAZY

Cons- IT COULDA BEEN JUICY.

???/10... c'est la vie.

[gladerwolfstarkimagines]

Imagine being Azula’s favourite friend who she recruits first. The two of you have always had an unspoken attraction which neither of you were brave enough to acknoweldge...until you save her life and Azula decides to reward you

Background

You and Azula attended the academy together and had initially started as rivals. You were an above-average fire bender and because she didn’t know you Azula saw that as a threat. So she made it her mission to ruin your life when one day she found you arguing with Zuko. You didn’t hesitate to yell at him or point out his faults and from that moment on Azula knew she’d misjudged you. Azula be-friended you and you became a part of her group. Over time you became her favourite. She trusted you and could feel your loyalty to her, which was something she grew to respect more and more as Mai was compromised by Zuko and Ty lee became even more whimsical. You soon became inseparable and as the friendship grew it began to feel like more...you realised you liked Azula as more than a friend. You enjoyed every second you spent together and thought she felt the same. The tension between you grew and although Azula would grow flustered around you when you flirted with her she never reciprocated your feelings openly. You were heartbroken but understood that falling for the princess of the fire nation hadn’t been a very smart decision on your part. So needing some space to mend as soon as you graduated from the academy you joined the army. It hurt to be around Azula every day and to know you could be something great together if only your nation was more progressive. So you ran away from the situation and didn’t see Azula for years. You managed to stop thinking about her constantly after a few weeks and soon your heart didn’t feel as broken anymore...but you knew deep down you still cared about her. The princess would always be your first love. 

Your POV

The army was tougher than the fire nation academy for many reasons. For one your name, reputation and grades didn’t matter once you passed through the doors. They didn’t care if you'd sparred with the best fire benders or got the highest grades in combat skills for ten years, you were reduced to a number and treated as one. You hated every second of it but the alternative was to return to your family and you’d take anything over that so you stuck it out. 

One day all the recruits were ordered to wear their best clothes and report to the large training hall which could only mean one thing. Someone wanted to buy troops. High ranking generals or rich businessmen could hire trainees for missions or any jobs they needed completing. The buyer could choose who they wanted after watching you all in training and you would then decide if to accept or not. You took every opportunity you could and so stared straight ahead for inspection, trying your best to look hirable when a voice broke your resolve. "I’m looking for something in particular" Azula told your trainer and you only just managed to keep your head forward but a small smirk broke out on your face. Azula spotted you and walked down the line slowly before stopping in front of you. "Well, well who do we have here?" she asked. You looked up at her and matched her smile "long time no see huh?". Your trainer was horrified at the way you addressed the princess and rushed to yell at you when Azula cut him off with a laugh. She took your arm and you hugged her tightly. Your stomach exploded in butterflies and you clutched her tightly, you’d missed Azula dearly. "Your highness i don’t know what...i’m sorry for this one’s behaviour" the trainer started obliviously and Azula rolled her eyes "are they all as dumb as you? Obviously i know y/n". You smirked and Azula was spurred on by that beautiful expression she’d missed. "You really have no idea who she is?" Azula asked laughing "this is y/n l/n, her father is friends with my father and she is a personal friend to the royal family. To hear you haven’t treated her appropriately is very displeasing" Azula frowned and you smiled as your usually cruel and horrible trainer shook. "I’m sorry we had no idea who she was! We will treat her better, promote her actually" he babbled. "No that won’t do" Azula said "and that wont be necessary, y/n will be leaving with me for a job and won’t be coming back here". The guard hesitated "i...you can’t just take a recruit". "I’m not but i could" Azula growled "i think you’ll find it’s more y/n quits". "She can’t quit" the guard replied “she made an oath” and Azula raised an eyebrow in response "are you tell me what i can do? Are you telling a noblewoman what she can do? Any debt she owes you will be wiped by my command, understand?" Azula barked. The trainer paled but nodded "yes princess" and bowed his head. "Good" Azula nodded and she strode with you right out of the front doors. 

Azula brought you to the lodgings she was staying at in the nearest town and you were amused to see it had been given the royal treatment. Red everywhere, freshly polished surfaces as far as the eye could see, gold and silver decorations lay on every available service and of course a large portrait of the fire lord hung on the wall. Over a lavish dinner Azula told you the mission making you realise you’d accepted and left the army without even asking for any details. You were fine with hunting the avatar and Zuko with Mai and Ty lee but you also recognised you would’ve accepted almost any mission Azula gave you because you’d been so happy to see her. Azula had always had this effect on you and time apart hadn’t done anything to lessen that. You were as much in love with her now as you were the day you left two years ago. 

After dinner Azula led you to your shared apartment, it contained two bedrooms with ensuites and a large living room which you were pleased to see and you sunk into the sofa happily. "Your hair’s shorter" Azula commented suddenly and you nodded touching it self consciously "yeah it was a target in sparring". Azula scoffed "seriously? Don’t they teach the other recruits proper fire bending moves as opposed to childish tricks?". You shrugged "they told us to win by any means. That it doesn’t have to look good so long as you win". Azula laughed again "amateurs all of them! Of course it should look good". You smirked "well when it comes so easy to you" and glanced over her. Azula shrugged but had a large smile on her face "well I suppose I have been blessed in that aspect". You laughed again and smiled "this is nice". Azula smiled too "it is" and you locked eyes for several seconds before she looked away slowly. Azula stood up abruptly "we should get some sleep we’re moving on foot tomorrow to go get Ty lee and then Mai". You were excited at the thought of seeing your old friends and grinned "great! Also don’t think i didn’t notice you came for me first" you called as Azula made her way towards her room. She halted and you smirked "I always knew i was your favourite but really Azula to make it so obvious" you grinned and Azula paused. You walked to your own room and Azula finally responded "i always made it obvious you’re my favourite, it’s nothing new" and went into her room.

You stepped into your own room and leant back against the closed door blushing vividly from the encounter with Azula. You’d spent all your time in the army trying to convince yourself your relationship with Azula was purely platonic. That the fact your heart sped up whenever you thought of her or how you dreamt of her often was just because you were close friends. You managed to convince yourself you weren’t in love with Azula and that she didn’t feel anything for you either but less than a day with her and you knew that was a lie. You couldn’t deny the way she made you feel and how she smiled at you in a way she never did with anyone else...as much as it made you nervous your realisation also excited you. You couldn’t wait to be around Azula again and felt a happy glow spread over you. You settled in your bed, a smile still on your face and burrowed into the exquisite cushions. You expected to fall to sleep easily but a while later you were still awake. You frowned confused as to why. You were happy, you were with Azula and the bed was comfy so why couldn’t you sleep? You figured maybe the bed was too soft compared to what you were used to in the army so went into the living room to try the sofa. You laid down and realised this was better, more like the beds back at the military. You had just closed your eyes when Azula’s door opened. "Trouble sleeping?" she asked and you nodded "i think the bed’s too comfy". Azula laughed "i thought the opposite, really y/n your taste has worsened in our time apart". You shrugged "it’s better than what i’ve been sleeping on for the last 9 months". Azula lay down on the sofa next to you and you looked at her. You didn’t ask why after finding her own bed soooo uncomfortable she came to lay on a sofa barely a foot from where you were and just enjoyed the silence. “So, anything else i missed you didn’t put in your letters?” you asked. Azula hadn’t written to you much at the academy and honestly that had been a good thing. You’d have just missed her more than you already had but she did send brief updates once a month. Azula nodded "probably tons, i couldn’t write often". You didn’t point out she wrote to you on the first of each month religiously instead you turned on your side to look at her. Mai and Ty lee had also written to you but you’d noticed compared to their letters and the changes in their lives Azula’s had been...well boring. You felt almost sorry for her, you’d all moved away to different things but Azula had been stuck at home with a father who was cruel, the ghost of a cold mother and the memory of a banished brother. Azula quickly discussed some events that had happened and then also turned on her side to face you. "What about you then? How was military life really?". You shrugged "not as i expected". "I knew that job would be awful" Azula commented "why did you stay so long then?". You sighed "well i liked some parts of it, the physical training was similar to what we did in the academy which i liked, the mental tests were better, they made me use all my brain". "That’s a first" Azula chimed in and you rolled your eyes "i liked those parts of it...could’ve done without the abuse from the trainers, food restrictions and ban on leaving". Azula raised an eyebrow "remember what i always told you y/n no self-pity, you could’ve left at any time. You chose not to". You thought Azula sounded a bit angry when she said that but you shrugged "i could but that would have meant going back home not coming back to the capital and I’d rather fight all the trainers at once than that" you said through gritted teeth and Azula saw you’d tensed. She recalled you never got along with your family but she hadn’t realised they were part of the reason you’d taken such an awful job so soon after graduation. "They hated my move to the capital and said if i failed at all they’d have me back and married, i had one shot to escape them, there’s no way i’d give it away because i didn’t actually like what i’d chosen". Azula didn’t comment she just watched you conflicted, she hated self pity and weakness but you were so like her, she’d have done the exact same thing in your position. "But you did leave" Azula commented “you left to come with me” and you looked down "i did...". Azula saw the way your face changed, filling with worry and she actually felt slightly guilty. You’d left instinctively for her when she asked, no matter what it might mean for you in the long term. You did all that for her and it proved to her again why you were her closest ally.

Azula laughed and you looked at her confused "y/n do you really think i’d make you give up your job for a small mission?". You frowned "what?". "Your parents won’t be angry because this a much better job, you’ll be paid more and you’re working with me" Azula said pointedly. "They can’t say anything against that, as long as you’re with me they can’t touch you" she smiled and you grinned at Azula "you’d vouch for me?". Azula nodded "of course, i want you with me and that’s what i’ll get, i don’t care who your family are they’re not taking you anywhere ever". You were equally touched and shocked "ever?". Azula nodded "well obviously you might not be here forever but they’re never taking you back to tie you to a marriage, i’ll just keep coming up with excuses to keep you in my company until you’re too old and then they’ll have to leave you alone with me" Azula explained and you smiled "sounds perfect".

Azula laughed and met your eye, seeing how intensely you looked at her gave her chills. Azula had missed you greatly in the capital but honestly she’d let you leave without a fight. She sensed a growing attraction and longing for you which she knew had to stop. So she let you go figuring some distance would be good but as soon as she needed allies the first face in her mind was yours. The second she saw you she knew she’d made the right choice but she also felt the attraction just as suddenly. Laying here staring at you made it more apparent than ever and it scared Azula. She blushed and turned away from you, facing the back of the sofa "try and sleep" she commanded "we'll be up early". 

You didn’t comment on how much Azula was blushing or how she’d chosen to sleep out here with you. You just smiled and closed your eyes basking in the feeling of all she’d said and the safety of her. “Good night Princess” you whispered and you fell asleep almost instantly.

The next day you reunited with Ty lee and then Mai. Ty lee had launched herself at both you and Azula when she saw you and the same occurred for Mai. Mai grunted and hugged Ty lee begrudgingly. "I thought you ran away to the circus?" Mai asked Ty lee and she nodded "i did but y/n and Azula showed up and well they called louder than the universe" Ty lee smiled. "Wait y/n and Azula, isn’t the circus closer to the capital than the military?" Mai asked looking from you to Azula. "Yeah so?" you said confused and Mai shrugged "nothing just seems like it’d make sense to go to the circus first then military but hey i’m sure Azula had her reasons for coming to get you first" Mai smirked slightly. You didn’t look at Azula but Mai and Ty lee exchanged a look at the matching blushes you were both sporting, some things never change. Azula recovered first and pretended Mai hadn’t said anything about the two of you and began explaining her plan. You joined in after a few seconds of recovery but still felt giddy at Mai’s words.

Throughout your trip you and Azula grew closer and closer just like you’d done at the academy. Although neither of you spoke about it you felt drawn to one another and Azula acted differently around you. She sought you out more than the others, always kept the closest proximity to you and paired Mai and Ty lee and you with herself whenever you had to split into teams. As you fell into old habits all the past feelings came back and you began to worry at all the dangerous situations Azula was putting herself in just to please her father. She’d infiltrated Ba Sing Sei without any backup besides you, Ty lee and Mai which terrified you. Of course her plan worked but still you were so grateful Azula had been unharmed and managed to take over the whole city without any mishaps. You hoped it’d be smooth sailing from there but of course she wanted her brother and the avatar too. You did exactly what she said to try and help her but you couldn’t escape the feeling something would go wrong. Azula had left to go and face the avatar all alone apart from her dai lee agents and you couldn’t get her out of your head. Azula had put you in charge of making sure the earth king and his bear were looked after but you wanted to ensure she was okay so left it to Ty lee and Mai. You followed the secret passage you’d seen Azula take and found your way into a massive cavern filled with people. You spotted Azula fighting the avatar and saw her shoot him with a lightning bolt. He fell to the floor and you gaped at the fact Azula had likely just killed the avatar. The water bender with the avatar then went into a rage and flew through the air using a massive wave to catch him. Azula smirked ready to engage with her and you saw Zuko standing beside her. You were surprised to see Zuko beside her, never thinking she’d actually manage to get Zuko on her side but of course she was a master at manipulation. You smiled at all she’d achieved when you noticed Azula’s uncle Iroh was approaching them. He had flames in his hands and was looking right at Azula who was fixed on the water bender. You gasped at Iroh’s intentions and how nobody was aware of what was going on behind them. You broke out into a run and leapt down the cliff as quick as you could. You were getting closer but you still weren’t close enough. Iroh raised his hands and you went into panic mode. “Stop” you yelled and threw your own fire as Iroh released his own. Your strike managed to hit his off course and it hit a rock beside Azula. Azula and Zuko both jumped and Iroh turned to you. You were now stood blocking his path to Azula and you sensed he still wanted to take her down. You anticipated his attack and blocked it instinctively before firing back your own. Iroh was much stronger than you so you were heavily outmatched when suddenly two flames burst onto the scene. Azula sprang in front and began attacking her uncle savagely while Zuko helped. You were again slightly surprised by Zuko but quickly joined in. With three on one even the dragon of the west couldn’t last long and with a final hit from Azula he fell to the floor. “Seize him and throw him in a cage” Azula spat and walked past him to you. “I thought I told you to wait upstairs” she said fixing her intense gaze on you and you shrugged “I wanted to help and I think it’s a good job I did”. Azula shot you a look at your boldness but you could tell she was more amused than annoyed. “You appear to be correct” she replied curtly before walking past you. You smiled after Azula, admiring how happy she looked and why wouldn’t she? She’d taken over Ba Sing Sei, possibly killed the avatar, brought down her uncle and convinced Zuko to ally with her, all in all it had been an excellent day and Azula had proved herself a force to be reckoned with. You began following her when you saw the guards walking Iroh in the opposite direction. You were going to look away when you noticed he was still staring at Azula. You could feel his anger and knew what his intentions were, he meant to finish the job. In the blink of an eye Iroh burst out of his restraints, threw his guards to the side and took a stance. “Azula get down” you yelled sensing the electricity in the air but he had an excellent shot at her and she had nowhere to go. Instinctively you threw yourself into the path of the lightning. 

Azula also responded instinctively. She conjured her own lightning to meet her uncle’s when she saw you running into the fight, You tried to raise a wall of fire but there wasn’t time, you got hit by the bolt and collapsed. Azula only just managed to direct her own bolt away from you and felt her heart beating rapidly. As the smoke cleared Azula saw your body on the floor rage consumed her. She conjured a huge amount of electricity and sent it all at her uncle. He tried to block it but Azula’s bolt sliced through his defences hitting him square in the chest. Azula didn’t even check to see if her bolt had met its mark, she knew it had so rushed to your side. “Y/n” she yelled and she knelt beside you staring at the smoke coming off your back where the bolt had hit you. Your uniform was partially melted and Azula could smell the burning flesh strongly. "I need water” Azula yelled grabbing you and trying to feel for a pulse. She felt one and felt her own breathing somewhat stabilise too. "Now" Azula yelled and people rushed forwards. Azula poured the water over you "it’s okay" she told as you winced as she poured more. "We need to get her into the pool" she called "someone help me get her to the water". Zuko appeared and helped Azula carry you to a fountain. You were semi-conscious which made Azula hurry even quicker, she wanted to reduce your pain as soon as possible. Azula climbed into the fountain first and told Zuko to pass you to her. She took you carefully and laid you on your back floating. Your eyes closed as you passed out and Zuko called for a doctor. Azula clutched your by your arms keeping you close to her in the water "you will not die y/n" she snarled "you will be fine do you hear me?". You didn’t respond. 

Later

You woke up face down on something soft and tried to move your face away from it when shooting pains erupted along your spine. You felt like your back was cracking open and groaned loudly. "Careful y/n" you heard someone say and saw it was Ty Lee. "Ty lee? What happened?". "You got burnt" she explained "on your back..luckily Azula cooled you in time to stop any long-term damage but it’s still really sore so be careful". You reached for your back and flinched at the slightest touch of it. "Stop" Ty lee told you "Azula said i’m to watch you and make sure you rest, apply more soothing cream on it every three hours and just basically always make sure you're okay!" she told you cheerfully. You shook your head "Ty lee i’m fine you don’t have to sit guard over me" you tried to sit up and went pale from the pain. "Don’t do that" Ty lee cried rushing to your side "if you want to get up i can pile some pillows in front of you for you to lean on. I don’t think you can sit up for a while". You pouted annoyed but asked Ty lee to bring you said pillows and managed to pull yourself up onto your elbows "so what happened? Tell me everything". "Well thanks to you we managed to stop Iroh escaping and hurting Azula, we took Ba Sing Sei and the avatar is dead". "Wow" you said surprised "That is... a lot". Ty lee nodded “Ow and Zuko’s back on our side". You nodded and smiled "I bet Mai is happy". Ty lee grinned too "she is i haven’t seen her since we started for home". "We’re on our way back?" you asked and Ty lee nodded "yes but Azula said me, you and Mai are to stay with her even after we arrive back in the capital, she said she still has a need for us". You smiled laying your head down blushing slightly, Azula had kept her promise, she wasn’t letting you go. You sighed happily and Ty lee smiled "y/n?". "I’m just glad to be going back" you smiled "i think we'll have lots of fun". You had been dozing when the sounds of the door made you jolt awake sending shooting pains down your back. You winced but prepared yourself for an attack until you saw her. Azula raised her hands as she saw you jump and she smiled "just me". You relaxed "Azula, sorry i was asleep". "Don’t apologise you need to rest after what happened, i just wanted to come check on you. We'll be in the fire nation in a few hours". "That’s good news" you smiled and Azula nodded "how does the back feel? Ty lee says you’re doing as well as can be expected" Azula’s eyes drifted to your back and you froze. You were now very aware you were laid on your front with only a blanket covering your bare torso from Azula’s eye. Azula stepped closer and you rushed to explain and stop her inspecting you. "I’m fine" you told her "the burns aren’t too bad, they hardly hurt at all". Azula raised an eyebrow "then you won’t mind me having a look?" and stepped beside you. She reached for the blanket and you grabbed her hand with an uncomfortable strain "wait, i lied...i don’t want you to see it, Ty lee says it looks bad. It’s in the blistering stage and yes it hurts but everything has already been done for it and me so you don’t need to see it or check on me". Azula titled her head to one side as you couldn’t meet her eye and she sighed sitting on the floor beside your bed. "It will scar but unlike Zuko you can wear yours with pride" Azula said forcefully and you looked up at her shocked "with time i’m sure it will simply resemble a tattoo" Azula explained. You turned on your side to look at her, something you’d practised with Ty lee and could now manage. "Ty lee told me you did as much for me as you could...i can’t really remember it but..". "Do you remember jumping into the path of lightning for me?" Azula said "without protecting yourself or even any concrete attempt to do so, and what for?". You sighed thinking Azula was angry at you "i...i know it was reckless and stupid, it went against everything we were taught at the academy but I don’t know Azula, i did it without even thinking. I saw it heading for you and you weren’t ready! It would hit you and i just did it without hesitation, i know it seems stupid and emotional but i don’t regret it Azula i’d do it again" you told her sighing, feeling she wouldn’t understand. "I know that might sound stupid...why i’d do that for you but Azula i..." you started as Azula cut you off "y/n". Azula gently raised your head with a hand helping you to look at her. You were confused by Azula’s gaze, it was soft but at the same time intense, you couldn’t recognise the emotion, was she angry? Happy? Excited? Apparently it was somewhere in the middle. Azula leant down to you, hand on your cheek as she ghosted her lips over yours. You felt a sensation like water being thrown over you as Azula kissed you softly and quickly before pulling back "i don’t completely get it but i understand" she smiled blushing softly "i think I can imagine why you did it" she said looking away from you "thank you for saving me". You were speechless, Azula was thanking you? Azula understood why you did it? Did that mean she liked you too? She’d just kissed you so of course she did! Or was that what she thought you wanted? Azula had been used all her life, did she simply think you did this in order to make gains with her? 

Azula smiled slightly to see your brain short-circuiting at her actions and stood up. "i just wanted to make sure you were okay so now I know you are i’ll let you go back to sleep. I’ll wake you when we’re there". You nodded still confused and watched Azula walked away. You weren’t sure what had just happened but you knew you had to make Azula realise you didn’t do this just to use her. "Azula" you said suddenly "is that...what you just did...if that was my reward or what you think i wanted from you after today...i didn’t save you because i was expecting a reward or anything from you so what i’m saying is you don’t have to compensate me if you don’t want to. I didn’t do it for any reason other than to keep you safe". 

Azula blushed suddenly and felt her emotions swirling, she realised she was happy. To hear you express openly your desire for her safety filled her with excitement and she realised nobody had ever cared for her before like you did. Azula nodded slowly "that is welcomed news y/n" she smiled "but i didn’t reward you like that as a forced compensation either" she told you "although my intentions were personal and selfish i suppose”. 

You smirked slightly and nodded "good...i mean fine with me". Azula nodded "i’m glad we understand each other, good night y/n". "Good night princess Azula" you said savouring the words and Azula’s eye twitched but she maintained her calm expression and bowed leaving. You lay back giggling as realisation (and the medication you were on for the pain) set in. Azula had kissed you and told you she didn’t do it because she thought she had to but because she wanted to! For selfish reasons!!! You wrapped yourself in your blankets and didn’t stop smiling even in your sleep.

____

Is it just me who loves the idea of being in a secret relationship with the princess of the fire nation? I feel like Azula would excel at sneaking around the palace and would like rebelling against Ozai for once

[freddyfreebat]

Jack Dylan Grazer Discovers Who He Is in Luca Guadagnino's “We Are Who We Are”

After supporting roles in the It and Shazam!, the young actor shifts gears with his turn as a capricious army brat in the Call Me By Your Name director's new HBO series.

by Iana Murray / Photography by Nik Antonio  —  September 14, 2020

A few years ago, Jack Dylan Grazer took a trip to the movie theater. He was in Toronto and it was one of his days off from filming Shazam!, the DC comedy in which he plays the shape-shifting hero’s foster brother. He decided to watch Call Me By Your Name, and he immediately fell for it. Grazer took note of the director’s name that appeared in the credits—Luca Guadagnino—and turned to his mother.

“I want to work with him,” he told her. With eerie prescience, she assured him: “You will.”

Whether Grazer, now 17, has a knack for manifestation, or it was all just happenstance, his wish came true in the form of We Are Who We Are, Guadagnino’s coming of age drama which follows a group of army brats living on an American military base in Italy. Thematically, the show is something of a spiritual successor to Call Me By Your Name: Grazer plays Fraser, a tempestuous 14-year-old with a pair of headphones constantly plugged in his ears. He’s the new arrival at the base with his mothers (Chloë Sevigny and Alice Braga), and quickly forms a deep bond with his neighbour, Caitlin (Jordan Kristine Seamon), as they both wrestle with their sexuality and identity in the midst of domestic troubles and teenage debauchery.

“He’s an enigma to himself,” Grazer says of his character. “He doesn’t really understand a lot of the things he does but he’s so forthright so he convinces himself that he knows everything. He feels like other people don’t deserve his intelligence. But he’s also very volatile and aggressive at times, and not because he’s coming from an angry place but because he’s constantly questioning who he is.”

If Fraser is just beginning his coming of age when we first meet him, Grazer is inching closer to the end. Starring in enormous blockbusters including IT, he became the Loser Club’s resident hypochondriac at age 12 and a superhero’s sidekick by 15. His films have grossed a combined total of over $1.5 billion. Suddenly the stakes are multiplied tenfold during what are ostensibly, and horrifyingly, the most awkward years of your life. Every misstep is now being monitored, examined through a microscope of millions. (See: His 3.8 million fans on Instagram, to say nothing of the countless stan accounts.) Child fame is a disarming transaction like that: a stable career and all the other perks of being a celebrity, but at the cost of normalcy. That unalleviating pressure forces a kid to mature fast.

Grazer is acutely aware of this fact, admitting outright that he’s “not a normal person.” But he wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I became 70 when I was 7!” he laughs. “I don’t know if I really had much of a childhood. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to grow up really fast.”

Nevertheless, he’s still 17. When we meet over Zoom, his shoulder length curls are damp and disheveled (he just got out of the shower), his black painted fingernails contrast with his brightly-lit, white bedroom as he rests his face on his hand. It’s a Saturday morning and he looks tired: It’s his first week back at school, which has traded classrooms for hours of video calls reminiscent of the one we’re currently on. “It feels like the days are shorter because the teachers don’t want to torture their students by keeping them on a computer for six hours a day,” he tells me. “You do miss the social aspect of being at school.”

If you were to judge Grazer by what’s out there on the internet, you’d expect an anarchic and relentless bundle of energy. A quick YouTube search brings up results like “jack dylan grazer being a drama queen” and “jack dylan grazer being chaotic in interviews for 4 and a half minutes straight.” He trolled a YouTube gamer on Instagram Live. His TikToks are inscrutable.

But here, he’s incredibly earnest, as he excitedly talks about his skateboarding hobby (a skill he picked up after auditioning for Mid90s) and his attempts to learn the flute (“I need to learn how to read sheet music, but it’s like reading Hebrew!”). He’s calm and thoughtful, as if this project we’re discussing requires a shift in sensibility.

For Grazer, acting had always simply been fun. While other kids might take up a sport or get hooked on video games, he performed in musical theater with the Adderley School because he “just wanted to play.” His roles so far have been reflective of his carefree approach to the job: Up until now, he’s portrayed best friends with biting one-liners, or the younger version of the protagonist in a flashback. IT is a prime example of both. In the horror franchise, Grazer plays a neurotic germaphobe running from a fear-eating clown, but in reality, the film felt like “summer camp.” Both films never felt like work; he just learned his lines and got to hang out on extravagant sets with his best friends. Likewise, school amounted to being pulled off set by a teacher in between takes to cram in the mandatory hours.

But with We Are Who We Are, he steps into his first leading role, one that required him to convey longing and confusion through Elio-like physicality and subtext. It’s abnormal to talk about the show as a turning point for an actor who isn’t even a legal adult yet, but Grazer explains that the show required him to radically change his approach to acting. He spent six months in Italy (“It felt like I was in Call Me By Your Name.”) and built up the character beyond what was on the page in collaboration with Guadagnino. “His philosophy is that we know our characters better than anyone else—even the writers—because we are the characters essentially,” he explains.

In many ways, Grazer absorbed that philosophy entirely. He describes the experience less as a performance and more like a “rebirth”—perhaps even an attempt at method acting. Over those months in Italy, the distinctions between actor and character gradually became indistinguishable. “I had no other choice but to act and surrender to Fraser entirely and throw Jack Dylan Grazer out the window,” he says. “I would go out and get a coffee as Fraser and walk like Fraser. That was just me trying to get into [character], but then I slipped at some point and just became Fraser.”

One day on set, he looked at himself in the mirror, and the hardened kid standing there with a bleach-blond dye job and oversized shorts was unrecognizable to him. He could only see Fraser. While talking about his character, he seems to unintentionally switch pronouns, from “he” to “I”, as if the two still remain one and the same.

The process was so transformative that it forced him to re-evaluate himself entirely. “I never really struggled with identity before,” Grazer tells me. “But I think the show opened up my eyes to question myself. Being Fraser forced me to question what I wanted and what I stood for and what I believed in. At some points, the show bled into reality.”

When asked how he has changed, he takes a pause and a pensive swivel in his armchair, unsure of how to answer. “I think I was more ignorant before I did the show,” he says, and he leaves it at that.

Coming of agers are a particularly well-trodden genre, but there’s a naturalistic, raw energy to We Are Who We Are that is distinctive from what we’ve seen before. Each character quietly struggles with their own problems and growing pains—for Fraser, it’s his sexuality. Caught in a fraught relationship with his lesbian mother and an infatuation with another man, his story doesn’t tick off the familiar beats. His personal discovery is instead internal and intimate. "I think every single person born as a boy has this guard. It’s this guard that they don’t even realize they have, where they’re initially like, ‘Being gay? I could never.’ But we’re all born as humans who are attracted to whatever we’re attracted to," he says. "I think that’s how Fraser interprets it as well. Yes, he’s reserved and nervous about it in the beginning because he’s unlocking this new idea for himself. He’s figuring it out, and that’s what you see in the show: him coming to terms with this idea."

As our conversation winds to a close, I ask him if Martin Scorsese ever visited the set—his daughter, Francesca, plays the confident cool girl of the show’s teen cohort—and his eyes widen. “That was actually a really stressful day,” he divulges. Still, he revels in the memory, speaking so fast it’s like someone has put him on 2.5x speed as he shows off his impersonation of Guadagnino. The director was so nervous about Scorsese’s presence that production halted that day.

“Luca was like, ‘I cannot do this today because Martin Scorsese is on my set. I don’t know what to do, this is not good for me. I will have a panic attack before the day ends,’” Grazer says in his best Italian accent. “It’s like if you’re a painter and Van Gogh shows up.” 

Admittedly, Grazer is also a self-proclaimed superfan of the Wolf of Wall Street director, and afterwards, he got to spend several days with his idol, as they went on lavish restaurant outings in Italy and talked about anything and everything.

He takes a second to compose himself. A giddy, Cheshire cat smile spreads across his face. The kid in him comes flooding back.

“...Oh my god!” he yells. “I met Martin Scorsese!”

[m1smatched-starsigns]

My father was in the military so even though I have always had a very strong bond to my mother’s side of the family, we moved a lot when I was a child and we never lived close to her family. When his contract ended we moved five minutes away from all of her family, and I swore that I would never move again. I loved my town, loved my state, loved the friends I had made over the last decade, but more than anything else I loved my family. 

Then I met my husband. I have never loved anyone like I love him. We would do anything for each other. Less than a year after we married, we made the difficult decision to move to his hometown- 6 hours away from mine. There were several reasons why, and they were all for our benefit. I knew this, know this. It does not change the fact that for nearly three years, I have been homesick. 

I see my family often, all things considered; once a month, maybe once every other month. They’re good about driving to meet us, too. I talk to a lot of them several times a week. We stay updated and connected to each other on social media. Most of the time it still does not feel like enough. My husband has seen me struggle with depression and extreme loneliness these last three years; two weeks after we moved states is when the entire country went into the first COVID-19 lockdown and it was impossible to meet new people, even our neighbors. He has admitted to me several times that he feels like he ruined my life by us moving states, even though it was my decision to make, and I stand by the fact that it was the best decision for us. I’ve never wavered on that. I’ve just had to deal with the emotional consequences. 

Like I said, I still see my family as often as I am able to, and my husband has never held me back. I’ve developed a bond with his family, who we now live five minutes away from. I have a new job that I love, I’ve finally made new friends; I’m even going out with some of them tonight to celebrate a birthday. 

I am still homesick. If I weren’t such a practical thinker, I would move back ‘home’ today. If the cons didn’t outweigh the pros I would have moved back three years ago. And as ashamed as I am to admit this to myself, there have been days when I’ve been so miserable that I thought I could move even if my husband didn’t come with me. I miss my family, my hometown. I’ve missed so many huge milestones; birthdays, cousins being born, cousins graduating, two of my youngest brothers are about to graduate high school and I’ve never had the chance to go to one of their band concerts, which they’re very both passionate about. Even though no one has ever called me these things, I have felt like a terrible daughter, a terrible sister, a terrible cousin, a terrible friend. And then on the days when I think that I’m so homesick that I could move back without my husband, I feel like a terrible partner.

And so right now I can relate to Graystripe move than almost any other character, because I fully understand being so homesick that I could abandoned people who I should not be able to even fathom living without. Right now I can say that I will never make the same decision, but our circumstances are also very different, as are our societies. 

But I can understand the want. I can understand the depression, the loneliness, the constant ‘did I make the right decision?’. I can understand wanting to follow your heart but which side of your heart do you follow because it’s being torn in two? You can’t have both so which side can you truly not live without? Which side is best for you? Which side is best for your children, who will be well-loved and protected with or without you? 

I get it. I also get why Graystripe is a sometimes controversial and triggering character. And I don’t love every aspect of his story, I don’t love that he went on to become Firestar’s deputy, I don’t love a lot of his choices or reactions. But at least when he is in RiverClan to be with his kits but he wants to return to ThunderClan to be with his best friend and his family, a family he never considered leaving until tragedy struck... that hits hard for me. And I get it.

Anyway feel free to tell me the character that you most relate to, whether it’s a popular choice or not lol. anon asks are turned on!

That awkward moment when you’re doing some serious self-reflection and you realize that the character you most relate to rn is Graystripe.

So. If y’all see me publish another long one-shot and it’s Graystripe-centric, mind your business. It’s called coping.

[a-shakespearean-in-paris]

Why Cullen?

Today I bring you a post I’ve been in the process of mentally drafting for a while, a post that essentially analyzes the age old question in the Dragon Age fandom: Why is there always something with Cullen?

To do this, I am going to go through different “phases” of Cullen discourse. My thesis and answering the titular question: It’s complicated, and I don’t think I can answer “Why Cullen,” but “there’s sometimes recycled discourses made about his character through the years, maybe there’s a pattern.” When it comes to Cullen’s detractors, I understand the fact that it might be frustrating to see much content for someone so “boring” when there’s more “interesting” and “well done” characters (though interest is of course relevant) so it leads to a lot of vitriol from both new and old fans who think the man had too much screen time already. Furthermore, he is highly complicated man dressed as a Disney prince, and the “Disney-esque” feel of his romance creates a dissonance between coming to terms with his problematic past and reveling in the romanticism. We can have a happy medium everyone,  but because of what I can only describe as “tik tok thought” it’s become looked down upon to have problematic favorites, which leads to guilt in liking something problematic, or outright revisionism.

But liking things with problematic elements doesn’t make you a bad person.

Alright, let’s begin: 

The first phase truly began of course with DAO with Cullen’s crush on the female Circle Mage Warden. Some were endeared, others not so much. I cannot speak to this phase too much as I was around 15-16 and pretty preoccupied with my high school drama instead of fandom, though I played both DAO and DA2 upon it’s release and followed updates for DA2 before it came out. Despite not being an active fandom member I was what they would call, a lurker. I knew some people liked Cullen and thought he was cute, wishing for more screen time after the game and hoping he’d be in DAI through IMDB message boards (remember those?) and YoutTube comments. When news broke he’d be an advisor in DAI and a romance option, I remember seeing a lot of people in those same spaces rejoice. I’m sure there were also people who weren’t so pleased, but from what I saw, people were happy. When Inquisition did release, I actually did quite a bit more lurking on tumblr despite the fact I didn’t have a blog, because I played the romance route, really gravitated toward it, and wanted to see fanart and such. People liked the romance, liked his arc and how Bioware handled his struggles with lyrium; and found it realistic. Even in my lurking days I did see some blowback on Cullen from detractors, those who didn’t think he should have been the military advisor (which canonically it makes total sense to me why he’s where he’s at, but I won’t get into it here however.) But likely because I wasn’t fully “in fandom,” my surface level understanding of how tumblr felt about Cullen was relatively positive and there was only standard fare discourse.

Phase 2: I can speak about this phase better because I established this blog in 2017. Two years after DAI was released, you still had a lot of fans who loved his romance and character, but you also saw a lot of those fans really dive into his flaws, insisting even that just focusing on the Disney Prince aspects of him reduced his character. There were also more internal debates. Would realistically Cullen be a good father was one. One thing however was for sure, there was a strange them and us line between detractors and fans, and to many fans, myself included, oftentimes the Cullen blowback would extend beyond the valid, “hey I don’t think his characterization was handled well” or “his redemption arc isn’t that great” to outright vitriolic hate that blatantly ignored his PTSD and lyrium addiction, and even sometimes “you just like Cullen because he’s white.” As a POC fan it was a fantastic thing to be accused of. I used to be more involved with discord during this period and I remember a few discussions about this as well. Even those indifferent to Cullen didn’t get it.

Overall, I have to say the air was one where people in Cullen fandom enjoyed all aspects of him, from delving into this troubled past to indulging in the Disney prince aspects of him. It was a happy medium I think, even if occasionally I would see a Cullen fan feel bad for liking him, and feel like they needed to justify it. Heck I even did and still do feel that way sometimes, like I need to justify what I like. But we all come into fandom for different reasons. I come into fandom some days for different things. Sometimes I want smut with my favorite character, other times I want more intense thought pieces and challenging fics. Great thing about fandom is that it’s a bakery that has cherry tarts, cinnamon rolls, or all kinds of pie depending on your mood. Craving a different sweet treat, you can make your own. Or you can commission an artist or writer for something you fancy.

*(sexual assault mentions here late in the paragraph****)And now I’ve been warped back into Cullen/DA fandom through what I am calling phase three, where the general air on Cullen reads as….very different. After having one foot outside DA fandom for a while coming back and reading the air has been different. There was the bizarre nuggetgate and other things with Cullen. Now, instead of accepting his flaws and exploring him there seems to be a lot of revisionism going on, as if his past never happened or we’re supposed to ignore he was a templar. A sexually active Cullen is looked down upon but in a different way from before. Instead of smut works with him “reducing his complicated character.” it’s distasteful to write smut with him where he’s sexually dominant or even just a lot of smut because he was sexually assaulted. (***Now, it is implied that he was, if you are a female Circle mage in DAO, with “sifting through my thoughts, tempting me with the one thing I always wanted but could never have” but this is an implication. I will be honest, it is what I have implied. However, it’s not there if you’re not a female Mage. He was however canonically sexually harassed in the Winter Palace, something I will always argue, even if canon treats it like a joke, even if Leliana tells him to “just look pretty.” Just because he is a man doesn’t make it funny that someone grabbed his bottom, and if you take Cole he flat out says “Cullen is afraid.”***)

So here I am, wondering what changed and what’s going on. Here’s what I believe: Cullen is a complicated character and his flaws and his past make him interesting to me, and they are interesting to explore. However there is nothing wrong with wanting to just explore a romantic, sexual Cullen. He’s a character with many facets. He’s romantic, determined, nostalgic, stubborn, unrelenting, loyal, driven, all things that made him seem so real. Here we get to my theory: in today’s media “criticisms” I see people—particularly younger people—beat themselves up for liking something problematic. It’s like every time you engage with media that’s potentially problematic you have to write essays to yourself why it is so and hold yourself accountable. I see this on tik-tok a lot and why I refer to it as “tik tok thought.” Look at the way some young Hamilton fans talk about the musical, or heck even here, and you may see what I mean. It’s like if you don’t acknowledge the problematic aspects of the historical figures behind their fictional portrayals in the show you’re a bad person. Same thing with nostalgic Disney fans my age in younger, if you don’t clown on Ariel for “choosing a man over anything” (SHE LIKED THE SURFACE WORLD BEFORE SHE MET ERIC) you don’t get your brownie points.

I want to make it clear: being critical of media is good. I am glad I see young people and people my age think about the messages we are given in media, but somehow this is turned into ANALYZE EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Ya’ll I’m a grad student. I’m critical most of the time, when I come to my tumblr blog’s lawn I’m here mostly to have some fun, and hey sometimes my fun is being critical. But sometimes it isn’t. You do not have to always be critical. You do not have to beat yourself up for liking something that’s problematic or write an essay about why it is as if that’s your due diligence in stanning a fictional character. I’m going to be honest I used to kind of think I had to justify my likes once, especially because of the Cullen vitriol on tumblr. I worked overtime in my early fanfic efforts to try to prove to the world I knew Cullen was problematic for fear I’d be perceived as just an idiot horny fangirl. Well, let me tell you: I largely don’t think that way anymore. If I want to just enjoy writing some smut or reading some smut with him, I am. But I think there is a second part of this in Cullen fandom currently, a revisionism of his problematic elements. Now, if you have to do mental gymnastics with a character in an effort to ignore problematic elements, perhaps you don’t like the character that much. That’s totally okay. DA has many awesome characters to write about and stan.

So, why Cullen? For so many reasons a bit of a shit show has always followed this character. There’s a divide between fans and his detractors and sometimes there’s a divide within the Cullen fandom. What I can extrapolate for now is the need to keep him squeaky clean and safe and away from anything “problematic” because his of past, his templar roots, or the fact that he’s white when there are POC characters with less content. It reads as a guilt associated with liking him. But please, do not be guilty. He’s not real. Templars aren’t real, mages aren’t real, Cullen isn’t real. Here’s my advice, something I learned while in my directing class in college. What my teacher always said was direct what turns you on, direct a story that gets you thinking, gets you excited. What gets you thinking and excited in a fictional world may be tons of conflict and dramatics, or it may be peace and love. Sometimes it can be both or more. Don’t shame others for coming to a bakery and wanting blueberry when you want cherry, and the baker has both, especially if the baker labels each pie, especially if the recipe for the pie has some salt in it and people like the salt. We can have it all and enjoy it all. What we want in our fiction doesn’t always align with something we may want real life. Lots of people write Modern girl in Thedas stories. Ya’ll if that actually happened to one of us it would probably suck. I’d probably get killed and not even get to meet Cullen and pose around the desk to get things going, so I’d rather it not happen. However, it is fun to read about.

Again, don’t be guilty for liking Cullen, please. But if you have to do a lot of mental gymnastics to like Cullen, maybe you don’t like him at all. To that I say, there are many other amazing characters, or perhaps you could write your own.

[romanceboys]

(interview) gq korea february issue 2021 — shinee minho “i’m still as passionate as ever”

1. i heard that your schedule ran until dawn today. you still look energetic.  no matter how exhausted i am, my condition improves once i wake up and take a shower. because it’s like the usual morning routine. 2. you take pride in the fact that your stamina is second to none, right? it reminded me of something you said long ago. i wouldn’t go as far as to say that it’s my pride, but i do know my stamina is stronger than most. my energetic appearance is my positive characteristic as well. 3. moreover, it hasn’t been long since you were discharged from the marines.  well, it seems like my stamina has gotten better. hahaha. 4. there must be a lot that you want to do. what do you enjoy doing the most these days? since it’s not the kind of situation where i can roam about freely, i’ve been spending a lot of time with my family. i was with them on christmas and new year’s. i’d barely done this since debut so i think it was a good thing. even in the military, i missed my people the most. 5. that must be why on the day of your discharge you made a surprise appearance at taemin’s music broadcast waiting room. in your military uniform.  i rushed straight from pohang. the shinee members were gathered to support taemin, and the staff that had been with us for over ten years was present too. when i looked back on shinee’s activities in the military, the very fun and enjoyable memories felt vague, but on that day they became clear to me right away. this is why we’ve continued together for so long. 6. what do you talk about with your members? since we’re currently preparing for our album, we’ve been talking about us as a team a lot. things like shinee’s (future) direction and what we ought to show. 7. did you figure something out? up till now shinee has often attempted unique and novel challenges, musically and stylistically. there were times when things were derived from what we did first, or even times when we had to question ourselves “is this okay?” before taking a bold step. but because we're an idol group, we folded under inevitable stereotypes and could not ignore them. however, we now collectively agree on preserving our artistic aspect well in order to show off a more distinct musical colour. 8. agreed. can you tell us which song represents shinee’s identity? the title track of the 4th album ‘view’ was shinee’s turning point. prior to this, the group was mostly known for its strength in performance, but through this song we were able to show the type of musical colour we pursued. we tried deep house at a time when the genre was unknown to k-pop and though it was not done without reservations, we got the response we expected. it’s basically what the entire (odd) album stands for. 9. besides music or performance, is there any other scene that can portray shinee well? having overcome many obstacles, we can’t define ourselves simply by saying ‘yes, this is us.’ rather, if there were to be a documentary made on shinee, i wonder how it’d be like to have the opening scene unveil the members’ perfectly human state instead of their moments of glory. for instance, saying whatever i want to without hesitation. without worrying, without walking on eggshells.  10. are you a quiet person? though i do joke around easily, i try to be careful with my words. i’m more of a listener than a talker. 11. you lived entirely as choi minho in the military. did you live true to yourself or were you able to discover a new side? it’s both. i had a lot of time for introspection. i reflected on the time spent and thought about what was good or disappointing, it unveiled a side of me that i hadn’t even considered while working as shinee minho. rather than saying it changed me, i was able to understand myself more definitively as a person. what i could be honest about and careful with with people became clear to me, i also realised that my strengths can become my weaknesses. 12. what made you think that? i thought i had an outgoing personality, but in retrospect i was more concerned about the people around me than myself. the other party can only be at ease if i’m comfortable... i was so busy being considerate that i ended up becoming stressed without realising. 13. an upright and serious image comes to mind when we say minho, turns out there was a complicated reason for it. it’s because i wasn’t even aware of it. i believe it’s something i need to work on to become a better person. this is also why i’m looking forward to my thirties. i’m curious about the areas i’ll mature in. 14. among the expressions that describe minho are passion and giving it your all. when do you think was your most passionate era? when i debuted as shinee, practicing blindly and then promoting made me feel like i was lacking a lot which affected my confidence. after our first concert, however, i became less anxious and worried. i realised that there were many fans who supported me. all i could think of was that i had to give it my best. my passion from back then is still the same as ever. it’s my understanding that i’ve come all the way to the present without cooling down. 15. what meaning does passion hold for you? does it mean that you’re very ambitious/greedy? i used to think passion and ambition meant the same thing. i was very certain that you could achieve anything if you were ambitious enough and worked hard. i hypnotized myself into believing that because i wanted it so badly, not because i was being reckless. as i started gaining more experience, i began to differentiate between the two. if passion means doing what you can to the best of your abilities, then greed is limiting yourself when you try something new because you wonder whether you can do it well. and that is why confidence is important. if you’re confident, then you can carry greed with a positive energy. 16. have you now gotten used to acting and promoting as shinee at the same time? at first i thought i could do it even if it was difficult. turns out that wasn’t the case. killing two birds with one stone wasn’t as easy as i thought. i don’t want to let either go. instead of saying yes it’s hard or i’m disappointed in the results, i believe this is a problem i need to solve. 17. your first activity after discharge was acting. you made a special appearance in the drama ‘lovestruck in the city,’ what was your first line? “please wear this.” i cannot forget it. 18. why not? one of my favourite words is ‘first.’ your first experiences are always unforgettable. seconds are usually a vague memory. that’s why firsts are extremely meaningful. standing before the camera for the first time after discharge felt like i was starting anew. the scene wasn’t even that hard, but i was very nervous. just like the first time i acted, i vividly remember the day’s situation, people, the atmosphere, and the weather. 19. do you remember your first scene as well? it’s been more than a decade.  it was a one-episode short drama; the scene was filmed inside a tow truck. i don’t remember my line very well, but the actors, the hustle and bustle of the staff outside the window, the glaring sunlight, the tow truck i sat in for the first time are all still very vivid. i try not to forget it. 20. do you remember the first praise you received for your acting?  hm, many people around me say nice things, but i’ve never considered those as compliments. it’s because i don’t think i’ve done anything praiseworthy yet. so let’s just say my first praise doesn’t exist for now. 21. that is a very objective yet cool answer. then what do you think is something you need courage to do?  everyday things.... like cooking. i can’t bring myself to even think about it, but i should attempt it before it’s too late. 22. by the way, you started sns. you did say in an interview that you did not see the need for socials, so what changed your mind? i received so many letters from fans in the military. i read every single one of them, and in most of them fans asked me to share my daily life through sns. though i did joke around saying that i’d rather hold a personal photo exhibition than create socials, i got one as a present for fans who spent two years waiting for me. but i’m not sure if i can manage it well. 23. do you tend to record your personal life through pictures like others? haha. not at all. i’m working towards it these days. 24. when was your sns profile picture taken?  when i was three or four years old. i racked my brain over this too. whether to upload a sefie or to go for a cool vibe. 

translated by romanceboys — take out with full credit (source)

[thevindicativevordan]

Any thoughts on Grant Morrison's Action Comics run? Beyond T shirt-and-jeans Superman being great.

That whole run reinvigorated my love of the character.

There have been numerous thoughtpieces about New 52 Superman, how he worked and how he didn't but these two entries really do a great job of summing up why Morrison's take on Superman was great. Morrison laid the foundation for a new generational Superman that DC completely fucked up and ran into the ground. I'll always be bitter about that, even if I had tapped out of reading the New 52 Superman books by the end due to how bad they got. Editorial and their idiotic mandates were what screwed over the potential of this take in my eyes.

Now I get that it wasn't to everyone's taste, but I cannot fathom how anyone could ever claim that Pre-Flashpoint Superman was better. If you liked Byrne's reboot better, your guy already got rebooted after Infinite Crisis. For someone like me who really enjoyed the Johns/Busiek era, that era's potential got spoiled after Johns & Busiek left, with New Krypton imploding and the awful Grounded taking it's place. When you get to the point where the best Superman book is the one starring Lex Luthor, it's time to reassess the franchise and figure out where the hell it went wrong.

Which is exactly what Morrison did. For this new Superman, Morrison mined all the best ideas of every Superman era to really give what I consider the ideal "base" for Superman. They also took pains to address common criticisms about Superman, working to correct his pop culture image. People have been complaining that Superman is "too perfect", "too unrelatable" for a long time, so Morrison addressed that. They gave Superman his balls back, and let him reacquire that Golden Age edge he had originally.

There are a lot of complaints you can make about Morrison's Superman, but I don't see how you could accuse this guy of being "flawless" or "bland". He definitely had a personality that you could describe, love him or hate him. Compassionate, but not a pushover. Clearly holding himself back, but unafraid to occasionally let loose. Flaws that were patently obvious, Clark had a temper here that could get him into trouble. There was a real showcase of anger here, of Superman being furious at the way people were treated by the rich and powerful, then doing something about it that I ate up.

I read this run just as I was coming into my teens and it hit perfectly for where I was in life. Did not want a Superman who would smile and tell me it gets better, I wanted a Superman who looked you in the eye and told you he felt that same anger, and then encouraged you to go out and do something about how you felt. That was what this run delivered in spades, and it expanded what I believed could be done with Superman.

While it totally blew my mind to see Superman acting this way the first time I read Morrison's Action Comics run, in retrospect it really isn't that different from how Superman has acted even under Byrne. One of the few traits I've seen carry across Superman incarnations in the comics is that he has a temper underneath that affable nature. "Don't tug on Superman's cape" as the old song goes. This run simply elevated that to the forefront of the character again, for the better in my eyes given I believe "Wrath" is Superman's Deadly Sin.

In fact, one of the strongest features of this run is that Superman gets actual character development over the course of the run, analogous to what Batman underwent in Morrison's Bat-Epic. While the Bat-Epic was merely Morrison re-canonizing Batman's entire history, and applying a retroactive character development storyline that culminated in Morrison's current Batman work, their Action Comics run had them attempt to craft something similar for Superman from scratch. What that meant was Morrison attempting to draw on the most important traits of every Superman era and incorporate those into this new take. So Superman had the Golden Age temper, compassion for the oppressed, and cockiness. The Silver Age supergenuis, proud scion of Krypton who cherished his Kryptonian nature, member of the Legion of Superheroes, and participant in stories that weren't afraid to get weird. Superman's wrestling with his place in the world, the importance of Clark Kent, and making journalism a key part of the character strike me as all being hallmarks of the Bronze Age. From Post-Crisis we got that Clark views himself as human and loves his adopted parents, considering them as equal to his birth ones.

One of the big frustrations for me with the endless origin stories for Superman, is that so many of them follow a predictable and stale formula where Clark puts on the suit and is essentially ready to go. Doesn't interfere with human affairs, is modest and humble, restrained in usage of his powers, it's like Clark has meta knowledge of what he "should" be, despite that he shouldn't have any foreknowledge of what a "superhero" should look like. He operates the same way at the start as he does in the modern day, and that's really boring to me. This Superman, because of the difference in powers and attitude, operated extremely different from his "present day" incarnation. Dangling Glenmorgan over the edge of a building isn't something a fully powered and mature Superman should do, but it works great to make his early days different and exciting to read about, it makes returning to that era something you can do different storytelling with. This run is the only time where I really cared that Superman is "supposed" to be the first superhero, because figuring out what that means here is a big part of how he develops.

We all know the common complaint that Superman is "too powerful" and that "nothing can hurt him" (funny how Thor never gets hit with those accusations), so Morrison made sure to show that this take on Superman could be beaten even if he could never be defeated. Events conspired to force Clark to use his brains as well as his powers to overcome the challenges in front of him.

Examples include him using his heat vision to fry Lex's equipment and escape the military, using his rocket ship to defeat Brainiac, and rallying the population of Metropolis to banish Vyndktvx. Not to say that Clark never used his brains before to win, but this run was very upfront and in your face about how important Clark's intellect is to triumphing over his foes. Can't take seriously the complaint that Superman is too overpowered when Morrison constantly showcased how even a very powerful Superman could get his shit wrecked by his Rogues.

Another example of Morrison addressing criticisms is Kryptonite. A lot of people poke fun at how convenient it is that pieces of Superman's homeworld follow him all the way to Earth. Isn't that a bit of an asspull? So Morrison made Kryptonite the power source of Superman's rocket, giving it a perfectly natural and believable reason both for it to end up on Earth, and for Lex & the military to get a hold of it since Pa Kent gave the military the rocket. That's still my preferred explanation for how Kryptonite ended up on Earth.

It also provides a better explanation for all the different Kryptonite variants. DC can handwave away the different types as a result of Lex experimenting or the different "forces" on Earth such as magic or the Speed Force or whatever creating the different variants. That to me is much more believable than Kryptonite travelling all across the galaxy yet still ending up on Earth somehow.

There have also been a lot of complaints about Superman's villains, and Morrison diligently set about reworking them. By far one of my favorite aspects of the run, was the villain revamps. Nimrod felt like a clean revamp of Terra-Man, making him into Superman's Kraven the Hunter struck me as a patently obvious route to go, wild no one has followed up on that or used him since. Metallo felt like a good synthesis of Johns take of him as an Anti-Superman weapon, and the sympathetic aspects of Corben's origin that are always there, I liked that Morrison didn't make him a total bastard before his transformation like Johns did. Brainiac got some sympathy added to him in that the collected worlds that were already marked for damnation, thus he was "saving" them in a fashion. Clay Ramses embodied toxicity as a wife-beater even before becoming Kryptonite Man, and I thought his backstory was a great way for Clark to still deal with "real" issues via a manner he could punch. Ramses is still the best take on Kryptonite Man. Vyndktvx felt like the greatest realization of the threat Mr. Mxyzptlk could pose should he decide to get serious since Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?, plus I'm a sucker for stories where superheroes fight the Devil. Drekken and Superdoom took the only interesting aspects of Doomsday (his ability to evolve and that he can kill Superman respectively), and were much more interesting characters.

And oh my God, speaking of Superdoom, that part of Morrison's Action run has aged like fine wine. I don't know if they caught wind of DC's plans for the character, or if they were just prescient, but everything that Superdoom is playing on is still sadly all too present. What Superdoom is as a character is a condemnation of what DC keeps doing with Superman: killing him off or making him evil.

When you realize what Superdoom (demand for a more violent and "realistic" Superman) and Vyn (WB/DC) stand in for, it makes the frustration Morrison is channeling much more palpable. Those two plotlines are all DC can think of to do with the character, returning to those again and again. Endlessly attempting to recapture the high of Batman and Doomsday beating the shit out of Supes in The Dark Knight Returns and Death of Superman. Overcoming these two obstacles is Superman's greatest challenge as conceived by Morrison, because both are out to corrupt and ruin the very idea of him. It's not just a physical death he faces, but a metaphysical one as well. Sadly it's a threat Superman just can't seem to lick in the real world, with more and more takes on "Evil Superman" coming.

Lois and Jimmy are great here, because Morrison actually made the investigative journalism aspect of Superman important. Lois is an active participant in the story, trying to break in to the base where Clark is being held by her father, competing with Clark for stories (I love how Morrison writes the banter between the two of them), and generally being classic Lois. Jimmy though benefitted from being positioned as a peer rather than as a kid in comparison to the two, something I wish the comics had carried forward. It looks like My Adventures With Superman is going with that interpretation at least, so I hope others do as well. Jimmy being Clark's roommate really adds to their bond, and I wish we had gotten more stories with that status quo.

Investigative reporter Clark Kent was so actively used here that it feels jarring reading other Superman runs where they tend to downplay and ignore it. Following Clark as he travels to different areas of Metropolis and actually interacts with people, instead of hovering above them as Superman, makes him feel human. Watching Clark actively pursue stories aimed at bettering peoples livelihoods, and seeing how those stories crossed with the superheroics, was one of my favorite aspects of the run. It's one unfortunately few other writers seem all that interested in, especially the New 52 writers who followed Morrison (I know editorial probably bears a lot of blame for that though).

Besides all that, this run was a lot of fun! The Legion of Superheroes showed up, their connection to Clark restored, and they got to play a big role in Clark's adventures! Krypto the Superdog! Martian colonies! Memorizing all of medicine, Superman performs a lifesaving operation! Lex using a "bullet train" to knock Clark out! 5-D imps! Rampaging robots from beyond! A Phantom Zone Halloween story! John Henry Irons suits up as Steel and kicks ass alongside Clark! Every Superman Rogue teams up to try to kill him, but Lex Luthor saves his life because that's a privilege he reserves for himself! Showcasing their trademark love for the Supermythos, Morrison took us on a tour of Superlore that demonstrated the depth and width of what could be done with Superman. Meanwhile the backups by Sholly Fisch excelled at giving us smaller, more human stories about Superman (the one where Clark meets Pa again via time travel "after" Pa has died always gives me a lump in my throat to read).

Ultimately this didn't get to be the foundation for the next generation of Superman stories as it deserved. Johns made New 52 Superman the scapegoat in Doomsday Clock for a lot of storytelling choices he did over in Justice League, something that pisses me off to no end. You want to tell me that this guy "didn't relate" to people, didn't inspire "hope"?

Like hell he didn't. This guy was Superman in every way that mattered and he deserved better than to be framed as the scapegoat for all the stupid decisions DC made about what to do with him. Greg Pak was able to do some great work with this version after Morrison, and just like how Gene Yang got a redemption work starring Superman, I hope to one day see Pak return to the character. Would love to read a Black Label Superman story by Pak that follows his take on young Superman.

All wasn't lost however. Against all odds, and Rebirth trying it's damndest to sweep everything under the rug, it looks like parts of this era have actually survived to the current Infinite Frontier era. With Morrison being heavily involved no less, both as an ideas guy and as an actual writer.

Superman & the Authority is explicitly Superman coming full circle back to the attitude displayed by his young counterpart under Morrison. Janin has outright said that the costume Clark wears here is reminiscent of the t-shirt and jeans era of Superman, and this book so far feels saturated with an energy level from Morrison I haven't seen in their work for hire since they left Action. Reaching old age and realizing he never really delivered on the high ideals of his beginnings, it's Superman putting together a team to hopefully succeed where he couldn't alone. Scathing in how it criticizes the superhero status quo, this has been extremely entertaining to read. Wish Morrison was writing 12 issues with this team, and that ultimately it will be up to PKJ to deliver on the potential is a drawback (although I've loved PKJ's Action run so far), but I'm glad to see DC finally treating Morrison and their ideas with more respect than was shown during Rebirth.

Jon meanwhile feels like an even more explicit attempt at redoing New 52 Superman. There's the updated new suit, designed to appeal to a new generation with it's streamlined look. Positioning Jon as a Superman who wants to tackle the "real" issues, with Taylor explicitly comparing him to Golden Age Superman which as I mentioned was an era Morrison tried to reincorporate into their reboot. There's the Legion of Superheroes connection which played an important role in Morrison's reboot. The rumors about Jon's sexuality are interesting, hinting that DC is willing to go outside the box with him in a way they never would with Clark. I'm excited to see what kind of Superman Jon ends up becoming, if he can deliver on the promise of the New 52 Superman all the better.

This run deserves to be remembered and to have the lessons it tried to teach respected. Probably my favorite mainline run on Superman, I hope more people come around to liking it as time goes on.

[buck-buck-boose]

I'll Love You 'Til I Die

Masterlist | Playlist

Summary: A Brooklyn schoolgirl fell in love with James Buchanan Barnes at the tender age of nine. With this love she made a vow, promising to love him until her very last breath.

Pairing: Bucky x OFC

Warnings: language, mentions of violence and gore (not too graphic)

Word Count: 3.4k

Author's Note: The story is starting to pick up pace again ;)

Chapter Twenty: The Recruits

March 18, 1943

In the two months following the nurses’ success with the serum, Camp Lehigh had nearly tripled in its inhabitants. Throughout their research and training, the five women were surrounded by fuddy-duddy sergeant majors and their crotchety commanders, with Agent Carter as their only equal; by the end of January, hundreds of recruits were being shipped in. The base seemed to be teeming with fresh-faced boys who thought not of the unforgiving grip of death, but of the blazing glory of victory— the gore and trauma of war meant little to them, but Lottie knew that she would have an intimate relationship with the horrors of war.

Sometimes all she dreamt of was blood. Blood on her hands, on her white dress, and oozing in puddles beneath her feet; the crimson color seemed to stain every inch of her skin, streaking her pale flesh with a sickeningly deep red. She told no one about her dreams because they seemed so foolish to her. Lottie hadn’t experienced a day in fieldwork, and here she was having these nightmares about the gore of war.

The ambient sounds of Camp Lehigh drew her out of her thoughts and grounded her.

Lottie was standing alone, rather dazedly, outside of the nurses’ barracks, observing all the commotion surrounding the recruits. She was still getting used to the chaotic environment that unfolded around her; everywhere she looked, there were lines of marching soldiers, followed hotly by shouting commanders, or trucks careening around buildings, as if always running late for some rendezvous. Gone were the days of picnicking in the grass and basking in the sun— the base was now all hustle and bustle, with little time for leisure.

All the activity had thrown a wrench into her combat training; Agent Carter had been training her on an individual basis with both firearms and knives, but the soldiers now needed more training than she did. Lottie had become more than proficient in the use of her M1911, which left her wanting to learn more. On the advice of Agent Carter, she’d taken up the KA-BAR and they had begun training with the knife only a few weeks prior. She was more than a little disappointed by the abrupt end to their training, but Lottie understood that training the men who would be doing the actual fighting was the higher priority. The one saving grace of Camp Lehigh was that the base was outfitted with two obstacle courses for physical training so the nurses could continue their exercises each morning. Although their combat training was put on hold, they could continue preparing their bodies for the stress of war.

A distinctly male voice interrupted her train of thought— was that a Brooklyn accent she heard?

“Hey sugar! You rationed?”

Lottie blinked for a moment and looked to her right. A group of men stood outside their own barracks, sharing a pack of cigarettes. She easily identified the man who’d spoken by the way he smiled at her; it was the same charming, lopsided grin that she’d seen on Bucky’s face countless times. His brilliantly blond hair caused a tug at her heartstrings; it was almost the same shade as Steve’s. That’s where the resemblance stopped, though; his eyes were a chestnut brown and his build was sturdier.

Lottie didn’t move from her spot, “Is that your way of asking if a lady’s got a fella waiting for her back home?”

The soldier’s grin only seemed to grow at the sound of her own Brooklyn accent, “A Brooklyn gal, eh? A woman after my own heart. What’s your name, doll?”

“I’m Lottie Green. But that’s Lieutenant Green to you, Private.” She smirked, relishing in her title. The year before, Congress had authorized the promotion of Army nurses to the ranks of Second Lieutenant, granting them positions of power in a largely male environment.

The soldier ambled over to her, flicking the ashes from the butt of his cigarette.

“Ah, so you’re one of those girls they hired to patch us up, then? I always knew there’d be choirs of angels when I died, but I didn’t know they’d send ‘em to fix us up when we’re wasting away.” He was a flirt, that was for sure, but she felt a pang of annoyance at his belittling of her profession

She wasn’t just some ‘girl’ who was shipped out to slap Band-Aids on his scratches and send him on his way with a pat on the head. She’d spent the last year of her life dedicated to formulating the perfect Super Soldier Serum. Lottie was a woman— a powerful woman who would one day hold the lives of so many men in her hands.

Lottie mustered up a wry smile, “While I haven’t got a fella back home, Private, a medic tent isn’t exactly ideal for courtship, is it?”

Without waiting for a response, she departed and made her way toward the obstacle course that was currently in use. Dr. Erskine had requested that the nurses of Project Rebirth be present for some of the recruits’ training sessions since they would be the best opportunities to scout out candidates for America’s first Super Soldier. These candidates would not only need to be physically capable but also morally incorruptible. An aspect of the serum that was discussed briefly was how it had amplified Schmidt’s already malicious personality; if they made the same mistake by administering it to a man of morally questionable character, they could have another failure on their hands.

When Lottie neared the obstacle course, she caught the tail end of Colonel Phillips’ speech to this batch of recruits.

“—but every army starts with one man. At the end of this week, we will choose that man. He will be the first in a new breed of Super Soldiers.”

Lottie barely had time to glance at the recruits who were lined up a handful of yards away from her. A clipboard had been thrust into her hands, stacked with papers that listed the soldiers’ names, dates of birth, and measurements. She scanned the pages, barely registering any information due to the sheer amount of it; it was too overwhelming to process properly.

“I heard Colonel Phillips has taken a real liking to Gilmore Hodge,” Gladys whispered, shuffling her papers.

Betty made a disapproving noise, “Agent Carter socked that guy in the kisser. No way in hell he’s our guy.”

“I agree!” Mary piped up, “His moral character is real atrocious.”

Nancy seemed to be torn, “He is the most promising recruit thus far. Sure, he’s gotta work on his manners, but gosh, even his measurements set him apart from the rest.”

Lottie hummed in thought and finally looked up to watch the recruits in action, her eyes narrowed. For the most part, the soldiers got through the net climbing efficiently and descended the other side with ease, but a particular recruit was struggling to get a sure footing in the netting. Her heart started pounding in her ears— she knew that build, that stature. It couldn’t be, he’d been rejected at the enlistment. Sure enough, the soldier lost his footing and fell with his other foot still caught in the ropes.

Lottie’s breath caught in her throat as she stared at the flushed face of one of her childhood best friends. In the distance, she could hear a sergeant berating him for his clumsiness, but her attention could not be torn away from his face. She was at a loss as to what to do; he obviously hadn’t seen her but she couldn’t call out to him to get his attention, as that would land him in more trouble than he was already in.

“Poor guy,” Mary murmured, wincing in sympathy. It seemed that she’d also noticed the trouble that Steve had been having.

“Yeah,” Lottie replied lamely, biting at her lip in anxious thought.

What would she even say to him if he saw her? Would he even acknowledge her? She knew she’d just about die if she had to undergo a silent treatment from Steve. But she deserved it, she was sure. There wasn’t a day that had gone by where she didn’t think of her boys back home. She often found herself lying in bed late at night, staring at the ceiling and listening to the breathing patterns of the other nurses in the barracks. Lottie would roll her lucky penny between her fingers and think of her best friends back home. Were they asleep? Or out at the dance hall again, trying to woo some women into a couple of dates for the next night? She prayed nightly for their safety; their safekeeping. It was a fool’s prayer, she knew— it was a war, after all. But that never stopped her from begging God on high to protect her most beloved friends.

The commotion of the obstacle course had died down, but the yells of the sergeants had not died down; it seemed that they were to continue their training elsewhere.

Betty noticed Lottie’s lost look, “They’re having ‘em run the trail.” She gestured to the tree line where they would usually do their morning runs.

Gladys looked over her clipboard, “I think it’d be best if we head back to the mess hall and grab a bite to eat. We can talk all of this,” she gestured to their clipboards, stacked high with papers, “once we’ve all got full stomachs and clear minds. I hope you all took notes, ‘cause I sure did!”

Lottie was silent on the way to the mess hall, still reeling from the fact that Steve had somehow been recruited for the military. There had to have been some mistake; he’d most likely spend more time in her medic tent than on the battlefield. Running into battle would have him hospitalized even before an enemy could manage to hit him.

They sat in their usual spot at the back of the mess hall, at a table in the corner that had been pushed up against a wall; it kept them out of the way and allowed them a sense of privacy from the other staff members. Lottie absentmindedly peeled at an orange while she listened to the conversation of her friends.

“If we can’t have Hodge for the serum, I think Johnson might be a promising guy!”

Betty laughed, “Do you really think that or do you just like the way he looks in his fatigues, Mary?”

“Gosh, I just think they bring out the green in his eyes! Either way, he’s certainly got the build for it.”

“He’s such a knucklehead, though. He couldn’t figure out the proper way to hold his rifle while he went under the barbed wire. He was practically dragging it through the mud by its strap.” Betty rolled her eyes, unimpressed with the performances of most of the men during training.

There was some continued discussion on the topic, but it was interrupted by the entrance of dozens of soldiers. They needed no introduction, as the sounds of their hoots and hollers, as well as the aroma of their body odor, heralded their arrival at the mess hall. Lottie shot to her feet, unable to stop herself from searching the sea of men for a scrawny man with too much pluck for his own good. The men milled about as they grabbed trays of food and seated themselves, loudly conversing about the training they’d just experienced.

Finally, Lottie’s eyes locked with those of a scrawny blond guy who looked as if he’d just seen a ghost. He was all the way at the other end of the mess hall, but that didn’t matter, she rushed to him as quickly as she could. She so desperately wanted to hug him before he could turn and run from her. She knew that her silly display was surely catching the attention of other soldiers, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to care; she hadn’t seen one of her best friends in over a year, dammit! She walked quickly between the tables to where he stood by the food line.

“Stevie,” Lottie choked out, crushing him in a tight hug. Tears threatened to escape her eyes, but she refused to make a scene in front of half of the recruits.

“Lottie I—” Steve began, “I dunno what to say. Why are you here? Why did you lie?”

He asked the questions with such earnest bewilderment, with sincere sorrow that nearly destroyed Lottie. He didn’t seem angry with her at all; he was instead deeply hurt, and it was all because of her. When she pulled away from their embrace, she saw the pain in his eyes and recognized it— it was the same pain she had felt when thinking of Steve and Bucky, praying for their safety.

Lottie was becoming acutely aware of the attention they were attracting but that was the least of her concerns at the moment. If Colonel Phillips caught wind of their little embrace, he would surely berate her about relationships with the soldiers, as he couldn’t fathom the idea of a platonic relationship between a nurse and one of his men. She would deal with that situation at a later time. At that moment, Lottie knew that an apology and explanation were long overdue. She planned on apologizing to him sincerely in private, but she knew that an explanation could not wait.

She grabbed Steve’s wrist and pulled him towards the table at the back of the hall, “Please trust me, Steve. I can explain everything, but I’m gonna need their help.” Lottie jerked her head in the direction of the other nurses, “What I did was real crummy of me, I know, and I’ll apologize over and over until the day I die, but I promise that it needed to be done. The girls over here will help me explain it all so you can understand.”

“Well, who do we have here?” Betty questioned as they approached, arching a carefully plucked brow.

Steve awkwardly shifted his weight and shoved his hands in his pockets, obviously intimidated by her steady gaze and cool demeanor, “Steve Rogers, ma’am.”

Mary’s eyes lit up, “One of Lottie’s Brooklyn boys! Now do tell me, where is Private Barnes? Because I absolutely must meet the man that our Lottie is so infa—”

Before she could finish her sentence, Gladys kicked her shin under the table and answered the question for Steve, “I’ve looked through every file Dr. Erskine has given to us and there’s no Private Barnes here.”

Lottie shot Gladys a grateful smile, albeit a weak one. She cleared her throat and addressed the group of women before her, “I promised Steve here that I’d explain why I fell off the face of the Earth for a solid year, but I’ll need your help filling in all the details.”

It took nearly an hour to catch Steve up on all the events of the past year. The nurses gave him as much information as they could, though there was certain classified information that they were privy to— the formula for the Super Soldier Serum —but could not be shared with anyone outside of Project Rebirth. Steve interrupted regularly to pose questions about different aspects of their research, obviously invested in all the work they’d done for Dr. Erskine and Mr. Stark. When they recounted their experiences testing the prototype serum on various tissue samples, he went a sickly shade of green, so they quickly ended that train of thought. They glossed over the details of how they finished the serum and their discovery of how Vita-Ray Radiation affected its ingredients. His brow seemed to furrow exponentially with every scientific term used

“And that’s the skinny on what we’ve been up to for the past year,” Gladys finished, holding back a giggle at Steve’s overwhelmed facial expression.

“Thank you, ladies,” Lottie smiled and rose from her seat, gesturing for Steve to follow, “Steve and I are gonna step outside for a moment.” She led him across the mess hall and outside; they came to a stop after they rounded the corner of the building. She stood against the wall, fidgeting with the hem of her jacket sleeve.

“Stevie, I owe you an apology. After the attacks I just knew that the world would go to shit,” Lottie felt her eyes start to water, “and well— it’s my job as a nurse to save lives, y’know? I couldn’t just stay home and twiddle my thumbs while everyone else went to take care of our boys overseas. And I know Bucky made me promise not to and all that, but I’d already enlisted. I knew if I told him the truth, we’d fight, and I’d have left you two on a really sour note, which isn’t what I wanted at all.”

“So, you decided it would be better to lie about going to your parents’ for Christmas and leave the two of us wondering for months?” Steve’s tone wasn’t scathing but the question still cut deep.

Lottie sniffled and knew that there was little she could do to hold back the tide of tears that would surely start flowing, “I was being horribly selfish; I knew it would hurt the both of you but I was just so afraid and uncertain about it all. I knew you two would get real concerned for me and I just didn’t want that. Plus, you have to understand, Stevie, when I enlisted, they offered me a position in a high-level government organization. I couldn’t tell anyone about my whereabouts or where I would be going— all I could say was that I would be training for the Nurse Corps. It wasn’t fully my choice to keep these things from you and Bucky; it would’ve been risky to tell anyone about the SSR or what I would be doing for them. I know you two would’ve been good about keeping it a secret, but I was still so afraid, Steve. I didn’t want to let the SSR down, so I guess that meant I had to let you two down instead.” She stared at her shoes, letting the tears roll down her cheeks and fall to the dirt below.

“Thank you for telling me the truth, Lottie. It really hurt me when I realized you weren’t coming back. I understand where you were coming from, though I don’t agree with what you did. I forgive you, but Bucky— he, well,” Steve shook his head sadly, “You should’ve seen him when he got back from bootcamp and you weren’t at the station, Lottie. Worried out of his mind, he was. I’d written to your folks a month or so earlier; it was mid-January so I knew something was up. They told me you’d joined the Corps, but didn’t know where you’d been sent. I told him everything I’d learned and he hasn’t been the same since; he was always on edge. Even the night before he was shipped out to England, when we went out with Bonnie and Connie—”

“England?” Lottie’s voice was weak with disbelief. She shouldn’t have been surprised, he was going to be deployed at some point, after all. Somehow, it still hit her like a punch to the gut.

She held onto the hope that they were at least exchanging letters to check in with each other. “Have you kept in contact with him at least?”

“I didn’t think to get an address before he left.” Steve muttered, digging the toe of his boat into the dirt in front of him.

“Dammit,” Lottie hissed and wiped away hot tears that continued to stream from her eyes. She was utterly helpless and could do nothing about it; she had no way of contacting Bucky to make sure he was safe. For all she knew, he could be one of those men bleeding in a medic tent— lying limply in a cot that was not his, thousands of miles away from home. She could only hope that he had a kind nurse that would wipe the sweat from his brow and murmur soothing sounds that would remind him of home.

At Camp Lehigh, Lottie was constantly reminded of home. She saw Bucky in every soldier she met, whether it be through their personality, charm, or looks, they all served as a reminder of him. When it came down to it, neither Massachusetts nor Brooklyn was home to her— it was only Bucky that she could truly call home.

And as their time apart continued to drag on, she realized that she was beginning to feel terribly homesick.

[jasontoddiefor]

HMM WATCHA SAAAAY Chapter 5

Kix was incredibly thankful that Master Che – Call me Vokara, Kix – had given him unrestrained access to the Halls of Healing. While it had been necessary for his research, learning more about physical therapy as a whole, it also came with the great bonus of access to the pills that made your mind clear up a little after crashing. It was supposed to be taken after long shifts, but Kix had gathered that it was usually given to anybody in a less fortunate state of mind that needed to get a clear head, such as Senior Padawans who had been out all night in the Lower levels and had a mission on the next day.

The last week had been hellish between accumulating whatever insights they could get from General Skywalker on his and trying to put together a physical therapy program for somebody who should be as healthy as a bantha. The fact that the Council had called upon them for the final report and Kix as the head researcher was supposed to lay out their findings was also not the highlight of this week.

“Medic Kix,” one of the Council members greeted him. “Master Che, Master Erin, Medic Coric, thank you for taking the time to present us your findings.”

Most Council members were off-world again already so the circle in front of him wasn’t particularly large. Kix wished that General Kenobi would be here at least, but he and the 212th had to be called back to battle. The 501st was to follow soon, but whether their General could come with them relied on Kix’s report. He had sworn not embellish anything, to pretend his General was better off than he appeared to be, but he was tempted to do so. He couldn’t help it, he didn’t want to go anywhere without knowing that his General had his back. He didn’t mind working with another Jedi, they were all equally kind and good, but they weren’t Anakin Skywalker.

And Kix would rather have Anakin, exhausted and terrified out of his mind, with him, than a stranger, no matter how kind.

“It is of no trouble, Master Jedi,” Kix replied.

This was another thing Kix had noticed during his stay at the temple. The Jedi refused to use military titles for themselves inside of it. They were Masters, Healers, Knights Padawans – but they were not Generals or Commanders. Kix and his brothers, of course, got addressed by their proper titles, spoken with honor and an edge of regret, but that was it.

“You have been taking care of Anakin from the beginning?” General Koon asked.

Kix liked Plo Koon. The Kel Door took good care of the men under his command and he was always ready to make sure Kix’s little Commander was in good fighting shape when she was in his care.

“Yes,” Kix replied. “Coric and I were the ones who oversaw the General’s transport back to the ship and then consequently watched over him for the week he was comatose.”

“Were the injuries he gained in the battle so severe?”

Kix shook his head. “No, not at all. It was an easy campaign all in all.”

“From my understanding of the events, as Kix elaborated them, Knight Skywalker experienced an immense shock when he was hit by the vision,” Vokara explained. “Consequently, he was disorientated and must have experienced sensory overload. His collapse was his body’s attempt at shutting him down to give himself time to deal with the onslaught of memories and unfamiliarity of his body.”

When they had attempted to figure out why muscle memory alone wasn’t keeping Anakin upright, Vokara had brought up pieces of Jedi philosophy so far unknown to Kix. Jedi viewed bodies as conduits of the Force. Only in a healthy body could rest a healthy mind and only a healthy mind could access the Force. It was the reason that Anakin’s one prosthetic was already viewed with so much heartbreak. Kix supposed it made everything that came after only worse.

“Can Skywalker be sent back with the 501st?” Master Koon continued, directly cutting to the most difficult part.

“Under normal circumstances, I’d say no. I don’t think he should ever actually handle combat at all again. While physically he will be back on top of his game within a few weeks, if not surpass it still, I cannot condone such an action when taking his mental health into account.”

While the Jedi all tried to keep a neutral expression, Kix had been trained to deal with the most stubborn no-I’m-not-injured-I-promise brothers and I-can-hold-off-an-army-on-my-own Jedi and he could easily spot when somebody was starting to slip. The Jedi were surprised, not at the latter aspect, it was clear as day that the General was far from possessing a healthy mind, they wondered about his strength.

“Councilors, if I may suggest, I believe it would be best if we started with our report now,” Kix inserted. “It will answer a lot of questions as to Master Skywalker’s precise condition.”

He wondered if he was already crossing lines, trying to make it all out to be better than it was just by taking their attention away from how the General was right now instead of how he could be, had been.

“Proceed you may,” Master Yoda said grimly.

Hearing how much stronger their enemy was, how he was luring them all towards their death, must have greatly disturbed the old Master. Kix thought of the old clones back on Kamino, those who hadn’t made it to the front lines and watched the Shinies instead. And he thought of the war veterans, those who had been on Geonosis. They all had the same look in their eyes when they assigned the should-be-still-cadets to the frontlines. The sadness for being responsible for the deaths of so many young lives, it was not easy to bear.

“Three months ago, in the aftermath of a campaign, Knight Anakin Skywalker collapsed,” Kix began to say, his eyes not even flickering to the text on the datapad he was holding. “He froze, then Force-pushed the nearest troopers away from him and lost consciousness. He had no visible injuries and was brought to the medbay for further examination. After twenty-four hours, he woke for the first time. He reacted with similar panic and it took multiple sedations as well as Master Obi-Wan Kenobi using a Force-suggestion to put him to sleep again. This manner continued for another five days.”

Those five days had been some of the worst Kix had to experience during the entire war so far. Coric and he had run themselves ragged to keep an eye on their General, never mind how exhausted Master Kenobi had been after staying awake for so long.

“He was catatonic when he woke up after this time period. Even while awake, he didn’t react to anything. He needed a breathing machine and we fed him intravenously. He snapped out of it after another three days…”

Kix trailed off. When they had discussed how they would present their findings, they had decided that Kix would speak of all events he had been there to witness with Vokara contributing the Jedi perspective. Bant and Coric didn’t actually need to be present for this, but they had all worked through this report together, they should do this together as well.

“As, at the time, no professional mind healer could make it to the 501st-“ Vokara’s voice was professionally cold, but after all these evenings spend in her office or apartment, Kix could hear the bitterness that was seeping into it. “Master Kenobi decided to take it upon himself to help Skywalker’s splintered mind. He was successful, though I believe that is largely due to the bond the two share and want it noted on Master Kenobi’s file that he is herby prohibited from attempting to do the same with any other Jedi. It could have backfired incredibly easily and then we would have lost two Jedi instead of one.”

The Council nodded in agreement and Vokara quickly swiped away their open report to replace it with her file on General Kenobi. She added a small note there, then changed the documents once more.

“When Master Skywalker finally properly woke up then, he was still confused and disorientated. It took a full day before he could breathe and speak on his own, both aftereffects of what he experienced in his vision,” Kix continued.

The General’s hoarse words had been difficult to understand. For one because it had felt like he hadn’t known how to string them together properly, on the other because of the low volume. The General was always loud which made it easy to spot him in a crowd. To hear him speak so silently was the first sign that something had been wrong.

“I have so far classified his experience as a new type of vision,” Vokara explained. “Our research on temporal physics is limited, I do not know if his claims of time travel are accurate, but it was certainly no normal vision. Not even Master Sifo-Dyas had experienced a vision as such. Skywalker has experienced twenty years’ worth of memories, hence his body being uncomfortable to him.”

“Forgive me my question,” Shaak Ti said. “But from the brief account Master Kenobi gave us, I had gathered that Skywalker was experiencing something more akin to body dysphoria than merely feeling uncomfortable.”

“That would be correct,” Vokara retorted and then sighed in defeat. “Or as correct as it can be. I will be honest, we are missing terminology to properly definite Skywalker’s condition. To put it simply, Skywalker is hardly used to having a body. From his account, and what we have gathered based on physical reactions, Skywalker spent twenty years with about 65% of his body having been replaced. In other words, only 35% of himself was still organic.”

“What!?” The hiss of one of the Councilors rang like an accusation through the room.

Horror, shock and nausea washed through the air so strongly that even Kix could feel it, be it though that he wasn’t even the slightest bit Force-sensitive. He understood their recoiling even without the pain that their understanding of life and the Force brought them. He half-expected the windows to crack under the might of their outrage, used to such displays from his General.

“He had lost both his legs as well as his remaining arm. It is the reason Master Skywalker spend the first days after his awakening in a wheelchair, though he refused to use it for long. He had to relearn how to walk. His fine-motor control is also still lacking slightly, his current prosthetic arm being the one he has the best handling of. His digestive system was also severely damaged and barely anything remained from his lungs. He was dependent on intravenous feeding and a breathing machine that he could manually override, but only at great cost to himself. Additionally, to his lungs, his vocal tract was also damaged to the degree that he needed a vocoder to speak.”

“And how did he sustain those injuries in his vision?” Master Koon asked. He had his hands laying folded on his lap. No movement betrayed him, but Kix distinctly got the impression that he was attempting to hold himself back from doing something rash.

“We aren’t entirely sure. Master Skywalker has been reluctant to share how exactly he came to be injured in such a way,” Kix stated. Reluctant was the most diplomatic way of describing how haunted General Skywalker had looked when Kix had just alluded to the topic. He hadn’t shut down, but the expression on his face, utter terror bathed in fear, had been enough. “The event must have been highly traumatic and evidence points towards him being burned alive, likely while he was completely conscious for it. He mentioned needed skin grafts on multiple occasions and is extremely uncomfortable around fire.”

Kix felt a little like he was betraying his General by sharing such information behind his back. Of course, Skywalker had been made aware that there would be an extensive report on his condition, but he likely thought it was just about his capability to return to the battlefield. The General didn’t seem to really consider that his mental health mattered as well. Kix was not one of the medics particularly schooled in psychiatry, Coric had started looking more into it and so he and Master Erin had been the one to draft a psychological profile on Skywalker, based on what they knew about his future-past.

They hadn’t gathered much yet, but that part of their report was about as pretty as the rest.

“And he lived with all those injuries for twenty years?” The hopeful disbelief, the want for it all to be a lie, was apparent.

Jedi were not in the habit of being in denial, speaking the harsh truths the senators seldom wanted to hear, but that didn’t mean that they wanted to accept it all.

“A little more, actually,” Kix was forced to admit. “I believe it was around twenty-five. He had made references to such years existing. The cause of his own death is unknown as well, though it was possibly the result of his failing health.”

“And, additionally, we have been led to believe that he spent most of those years being extensively tortured by the Sith Lord keeping him.”

“Master Kenobi had already mentioned so,” Plo Koon said.

Kix nodded slowly. He wished General Kenobi would be here now, listening to them give the report instead of reading it on his own onboard the Negotiator. The paper they had written was clinical, factual, but Kix had long since realized that there was a time and place for hard facts and gentle truths.

“I am aware, but Master Kenobi is not aware of the extent we believe this torture to have reached. Skywalker has mentioned Sith Lightning and apparently knows how to disperse it within the body instead of just bearing it and survive. This implies that he was exposed to it multiple times, likely not with the intention of killing him, and learned from those sessions.”

“How have you concluded all that?”

Kix and Vokara shared a look. Their report had already been all over the place, more a discussion than a systematic rundown of what looked like hell come alive.

“Perhaps, best we start at the beginning?” General Yoda spoke up.

The Master, though powerful he was, appeared so old now, almost frail like every gust of wind could swipe him away. And yet there was this determination in his eyes, the willingness and need to know what harm would come to them.

“That would be the easiest,” Vokara replied and began anew.

Kix had written this report, read it about a thousand times and repeated it to others as well. Its content was familiar to him, the words he knew by heart, and still, at times, he found himself caught off-guard. Worst was when Vokara, though she kept a distance to the topic at hand, would sometimes need to read a sentence twice. The two of them had seen gruesome injuries, Jedi and Brothers alike die of less than what General Skywalker had lived through.

Which was the precise reason why they needed to put him back on the battlefield.

“I am prejudiced in this,” Kix admitted freely, finally finishing. The sky had turned dark by now and he desperately needed to drink something. “I want my General at my back. However, there is also the matter that he survived all of this. I do not actually believe that we stop him from going out on his own should we attempt to keep him away from the fighting. He might even decide to face Sidious head-on, and we can’t allow that to happen.”

The Jedi looked troubled by his assessment and so Kix was not too surprised when they sent him and the other three out of the room to make their decision. Kix had done all he could at this point to protect his General.

He had done his job and fulfilled his duty.

Now he could only hope that it had been enough.

[dramatically-anime]

What up nerds?!

Welcome back to another blog. Today I’m going to be gushing about my waifu. The only waifu that deserves my full attention. The only waifu that is the correct answer to “who is the best waifu.” May the season of love commence.

🌸

[C]Also known as “Major,” Motoko is a synthetic, "full-body prosthesis,” augmented-cybernetic human. She is the commander of Public Security Section 9 of the anti-cybercrime law-enforcement division for the Japanese National Public Safety Commission. Motoko is known for her skills in deduction, hacking and military tactics. She is fiercely independent and strong willed.

🌸

My reasoning for her being the best waifu runs deeper than just looks or power. It’s a very specific connection that I made with her that keeps her at the number one spot. Of corse the other things mentioned are side benefits. But we’re justly talking about how we see ourselves. More specifically, how we see/feel about our bodies. I will also make some comparisons to real life situations as well. So let’s get started shall we.

From a young age Motoko was given full prosthetics. She didn’t consent to this, but the decision was made for her any way. Of corse this was due to the fact that she was one of two survivors of a plane crash. A new body was given to her at each stage of life. She has stated that she never felt that her body was really hers. Motoko does often change out her body, keeping some key features in each one. But no matter how many times she changed, she still didn’t feel right because she never had the choice to change in the first place.

This feeling of not being in the body you’re made for is a real one. This feeling could be for many reason. In my case it’s because of the medical conditions I have and the pills that I was put on for those conditions. The first is my eczema. For those that don’t know, eczema is a topic dermatitis that causes red flaky patches in the skin. Sometimes it can get so bad that the areas will crack, Ooze and bleed. It’s also continuously itchy. I’ve had all of these happen. I would get so self conscious about it that I’d try to hide my skin as much as possible. I used to wear gloves constantly due to my hands cracking, oozing and bleeding. I always remember asking “why me?” The looks I would get from others who didn’t know what was wrong. They looked at me like I had some contagious illness or something. Which I obviously didn’t have.

The next part was the fact of my body weight changing. Without illness and medications having an effect on your weight, it’s always something that’s focused on. Especially when it comes to women. I remember being in grade school and having body Image issues. I can look at a picture of myself and see the skinny child I was, but I remember not feeling that way. I remember seeing my self as 10X bigger/heavier in the mirror than I actually was. I dealt with that for years. Then came puberty. I had developed som medical conditions that made me gain weight. Tack on the medications that I had to take for those conditions and I gain even more weight. That’s just a recipe for disaster. For someone who already saw themselves as big, gaining weight makes things even worse.

These things combined made me feel like I was in the wrong body. Like it wasn’t mine. Now I wasn’t put into a prosthetic body by someone else without consent, but I might as well have. I didn’t ask for the conditions I have to the mind set I gained from it. I just had it. Something out of my control. Just like Mokoto having her prosthetic body was out of her control.

Another aspect of her body swapping, was the fact of being a woman in a man’s world. It’s hard enough in real life, but in the world of Ghost in the shell where you can literally chose everything about your body and change it the problem gets worse. The major was asked why she keeps her female body. She could in fact change it to be male and have more strength and just be overall better. Which brings us to a real world problem. While equality is still making its strides, there is still a general thought that women are weaker than men. That they can’t do everything a man can. They are still looked at as inferior. Which isn’t very good for the mental status.

The major then hacks into his programming and makes him hit himself. She states that she has the smarts and skill to turn things in her favor. That she in fact can best someone no matter what body they may have. While some people will see this as not solving the problem because she is admitting to not being strong, I see differently. Not everything has to be solved with strength. People have their own strengths and weaknesses. Which is what she demonstrated. Mokto showed that she is strong in her own way and that she doesn’t need “a mans body” to be useful.

Dealing with this “you’re weaker/dumber because of gender” mentality is something I have dealt with as well. I remember being in a computer science class and literally being made fun of because I was a woman in a computer science class. “Women can’t do smart things” was pretty much the vibe. Like what the hell? It was 2017 and there were still people who thought that, and this was a college class. Even the teacher acted that way. Like I can understand this stuff too. My brain does work believe it or not. I didn’t end up continuing due to switching my major to something else, but the incident still stuck with me.

The thought of “well if I was a guy..” has crossed my mind way too much in my life. For a number of different reasons. Either because of strength, the way people treat you and even the way you look. While I know men get made fun of or ridiculed for their weight as well, women still seems to get the most hate for it. You can see this in the celebrity world as well. If a woman gains or looses weight it’s all over the news. People make fun of her and are actually rude. Like why should it matter? But it almost seems like a man who gains or looses weight just gets glossed over. A Kpop idol who was on the heavier end of weight was praised for being different, but a woman Kpop idol who gained weight is fat shamed. This male idol also made remarks that women need to be skinny/ a certain weight even though he did not follow the same guidelines he set. How is that fair?

Seeing a character just give a big FU to someone having misogynistic thoughts was fantastic. Showing that she can in fact best someone who focused on strength without lifting a finger was pretty satisfying. It’s showed that yo can in fact do anything as long as you play into your strengths and that just because you’re not a body builder doesn’t mean you can’t win.

Watching this struggle happen through the corse of the anime, without it being the full focus, was inspirational. When we get towards the end we see this circle end. Once she receives her watch, Mokoto finally accepts her body as her own. She even says that she can’t imagine herself any other way and that it suited her the most. She finally accepted herself and thought of her body as her own. And that is a beautiful thing. Just like how me accepting my body came full circle. I too began to have more positive thoughts and became more confident. Of corse it took time and I didn’t receive a watch, I still came to an acceptance.

And this is why Motoko Kusanagi is my waifu. See you in the next one.

🌸

Sources: [Wiki|https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Motoko_Kusanagi]

[terramythos]

TerraMythos 2021 Reading Challenge - Book 21 of 26

Title: The Galaxy, and the Ground Within (Wayfarers #4) (2021)

Author: Becky Chambers

Genre/Tags: Science Fiction, Third-Person, Female Protagonists

Rating: 9/10

Date Began: 8/15/2021

Date Finished: 8/22/2021

Gora is an unremarkable planet. It has no natural life and few resources to speak of. In fact, its only use is its proximity to more interesting places. Over the years, it’s become a waystation, notable only as a temporary stop for travelers as they wait for their spot in the wormhole queue. 

The Five-Hop One-Stop is a small, family-owned rest stop on Gora. Three travelers— a marginalized nomad, a military contractor, and an exiled artist-- lay over at the Five-Hop awaiting the next stage of their journeys. But everything goes horribly wrong when repair work on an orbital satellite causes a cascade event, destroying the planet’s communications. Now stranded on Gora with debris raining down from the sky, the travelers and hosts must live with each other while cut off from the rest of the galaxy. As they learn more about one another, each is forced to confront their personal struggles… and challenge their perspective on life.

Speaker had a word for how she felt right then: errekere. A moment of vulnerable understanding between strangers. It did not translate into Klip, but it was a feeling she knew well from gatherings among her people. There was no need being expressed here, no barter or haggling or problems that required the assistance of a Speaker, but errekere was what she felt all the same. She’d never felt it with an alien before. She embraced the new experience.

Content warnings and spoilers below the cut.  

Content warnings for the book: Non-graphic sexual content, child endangerment, ableism (if you squint; it’s not malicious), references to warfare, discussions of intergenerational trauma re: colonization (not the scifi kind), prejudice and xenophobia, recreational drug use. 

I’ve had a mixed experience with Wayfarers, which is unusual for me. I can’t remember the last series I read that fluctuated so much in terms of personal enjoyment and (in my opinion) quality. People as a whole seem to enjoy this series more than me, hence the multitude of awards and glowing reviews. I liked book two, A Closed and Common Orbit, because of the focused narrative and dedicated development of two lead characters. But the first and third books suffered from an overly large cast and reliance on generic archetypes. When a series is built on character development and plot is a secondary concern at best, those characters have to be outstanding. And to me, they usually weren’t.

But in this fourth and final book, I felt that Chambers finally hit her stride. On a surface level, The Galaxy, and the Ground Within has striking similarity to book three, Record of a Spaceborn Few. Both are virtually plotless novels which do deep dives into a cast of characters. What sets The Galaxy apart is its execution. All three leads have unique and compelling personal conflicts. An underutilized strength of the series is its creative aliens; something Chambers takes advantage of here with a fully alien cast. Finally, this book hinges upon interaction between the three leads, something sorely missing from the previous book. 

In these reviews I often seem critical of ensemble casts. But when done well, I actually prefer them to singular narratives. The main hurdle is having consistently interesting characters across the board. When there’s one or two characters I prefer over the others, I usually struggle with the novel. There’s an inherent sense of disappointment when leaving a favored character’s POV. For me this affects my overall enjoyment of the story. But when I like all of the characters or they all have something interesting going on, ensemble casts are great. The Galaxy, and the Ground Within is successful in this regard because I thoroughly enjoyed all three perspective characters. In no particular order…

Speaker is an Akarak, a birdlike scavenger species introduced as sympathetic antagonists in the first book. Going in, we know their home planet was colonized by the Harmagians, which has caused irreparable harm to their culture. Robbed of their homeworld and forced into the margins of GC society, the Akarak are nomadic, and many of them rely on banditry in order to survive. We have seen very little of them besides that. The Galaxy expands their lore a lot; their short lifespans, their incompatible biology with other sapients, and the resulting generational trauma from centuries of colonial exploitation. Speaker’s arc in particular is about dealing with the prejudice she encounters daily, adjusting to acceptance after being othered for so long, seeing things from a new perspective, and persistent worry for her twin sister Tracker, who she’s been separated from due to the events on Gora. 

The Aeluon Pei is actually a recurring character; she’s Ashby’s love interest from the first book. Here we get a more intimate view of her as a person. In particular, she struggles with living a double life. She works a prestigious yet dangerous job among her people, running cargo into critical warzones. But her affair with Ashby (a Human) is a huge cultural taboo among the Aeluons. If her colleagues discovered her romantic relationship, her life as a cargo runner would be over. The double life is wearing on her, because she loves both aspects of her life, but knows that it can’t go on like this forever. To make matters worse, she goes into “shimmer”, a once-in-a-lifetime fertility period, during the events on Gora. This adds a layer to her struggle; does she do her duty to her species and produce a child, or does she pursue what she really wants? 

Finally, there’s Roveg, a Quelin. Like the Akarak, Quelin haven’t received a whole lot of development in the series. In the first book, they’re portrayed as a xenophobic insectoid race, and their role is unambiguously antagonistic. Roveg is the polar opposite of that. He’s something of a renaissance man; an appreciator of fine art and dining, who designs artistic sims by profession. He delights in meeting aliens, befriending them, and learning everything there is to know about them. His arc centers around his exile from Quelin society and all the hidden pains associated with that. Chief among these is a mysterious meeting he has to make— which the Gora disaster obviously complicates. 

Complementing the three leads are the Five-Hop’s hosts; a Laru mother and child named Ouloo and Tupo. Similar to the Akarak and Quelin, we haven’t seen many of the Laru (who I always picture as fuzzy dog-giraffe hybrids). Ouloo struggles to be a kind and accommodating host in the wake of disaster. She’s also forced to confront her own prejudices, especially regarding Speaker, the first Akarak she’s ever met. The two initially have a lot of tension, but grow to be great friends over the course of the novel. Her child Tupo is a nonbinary character using xe/xyr pronouns throughout the novel. Xe’s basically a Laru teenager, and super endearing. I love xyr natural curiosity and naiveté. Definitely the “heart” of the group. 

Interaction between these characters is the bread and butter of this novel. There’s very little action; instead it focuses on their differing perspectives and life experiences. It’s a gradual build as the characters grow more familiar with one another. The epilogue is brilliant, because we see the long-term effect of these characters meeting. Despite interpersonal conflict in the story, Speaker inspires Pei to make a specific decision. From this decision, Pei realizes she can help Roveg with his meeting. As a result of this, Roveg is inspired to help Speaker based on one of their earlier conversations. His help fundamentally alters Speaker’s perspective on life— and there’s an implication it will reach beyond that, to the Akarak as a whole. It’s a cascade effect, but rather than the disastrous version that happened on Gora, it’s a positive social change for the leads. That’s the kind of literary parallel that really fires me up. 

I do have a few criticisms of this novel, minor and otherwise. The first is, I wish the tension between Speaker and Pei was more strongly built throughout. While I’m glad the novel isn’t all sunshine and rainbows when it comes to the character interactions, their conflict goes from an idea in the back of one’s mind to an explosive event. This is something of a nitpick because it’s otherwise well executed. I especially like that despite their interpersonal problems, they work together in the climactic events of the novel without sacrificing their respective principles. 

My other criticism is a series-wide observation. Wayfarers is optimistic to a fault. As such, it’s pretty rare that we see true evil or even bad behavior in this series. On one hand, it’s nice to read something where the characters are people who want the best for everyone. But there’s a lot of dissonance here, because there are MASSIVE social problems with the GC at large. For example, we see the effects of xenophobia, war, slavery, and colonialism, but the ones who perpetuate these issues are faceless. If Chambers wants to portray good characters, that’s fine, but it strikes me as odd to build complex social issues into your society, yet exclusively portray groups of morally good people. Why would a society full of such nice, helpful groups also marginalize the Akarak, or create an entire caste of slave clones to sort through their junk? This approach comes off as a desire for nuance without committing to it. 

This trend continues through the final book. The Galaxy, and the Ground Within is clearly a COVID-19 response novel (“we’re all in this together”!)— but everyone is blameless, and the government response is reasonable and timely. That’s just not how it worked in real life. So many people were (and still are!) selfish in response to COVID, often outright endangering others. Practically every government botched their response for the sake of money, leading to mass death worldwide. If Wayfarers has similar social issues to the real world, why would the response to a disaster be any different? It’s an ongoing contradiction; the Wayfarers society is simultaneously utopian and flawed, and it’s hard for me to suspend my disbelief. 

As an individual novel, though, I really enjoyed The Galaxy, and the Ground Within. Like all the other books in the Wayfarers series, it’s a standalone and can be read on its own. My experience with this series has been up and down; I recommend the second and fourth books, but I’d skip one and three if I ever do a reread. There are things to like about Wayfarers in terms of worldbuilding and the creative ideas behind all the different aliens. Characterization is hit or miss, but the hits are great, and this book in particular knocked it out of the park. Chambers’ prose improves a lot over the series, and it’s nice to see how she develops as a writer. As I’ve mentioned, Wayfarers has gotten lots of positive feedback, so it’s possible you will enjoy it more than I did. But I’m looking forward to reading something new.

[ljones41]

"WITHOUT REMORSE" (2021) Review

"WITHOUT REMORSE" (2021) Review Three years ago, Amazon Prime premiered a series about the adventures of C.I.A. analyst, Jack Ryan. After two seasons, the series has yet to adapt any particular novel by the character's creator, Tom Clancy; it pretty much set up Ryan's origin story. Recently, Amazon Prime released "WITHOUT REMORSE", an origin tale about another one of Clancy's characters - namely "John Clark".

Anyone familiar with Clancy's Jack Ryan novels would know that "John Clark" is former U.S. Navy SEAL operative John Kelly, who became a black ops agent for the C.I.A. The character has appeared in two Clancy film adaptations - 1994's "CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER" and "THE SUM OF ALL FEARS". However, "WITHOUT REMORSE" marked the first time in which Kelly/Clark served as the main protagonist in an adaptation of a Clancy novel. This should not be surprising since the movie is based upon Clancy's 1993 novel of the same title. "WITHOUT REMORSE" begins in Aleppo, where Senior Chief John Kelly and a team of other Navy SEALs led by Lieutenant-Commander Karen Greer rescue a CIA operative taken hostage by a suspected pro-Assad paramilitary group. The situation escalates when the SEALs discover that the operative's captors happened to be Russian military. The latter apparently retaliates against the SEALs for the mission by sending Russian FSB operatives to kill several members of the SEALs. They managed to kill two members of the team. When they break into Kelly's home to kill him, they accidentally kill his pregnant wife Pam, not realizing that Kelly was in the basement. He manages to kill all of the FSB operatives inside his home and badly wound the last survivor, who manages to escape, before enduring near-fatal wounds himself. With the help of Lieutenant-Commander Greer and reluctantly, the C.I.A., a vengeful Kelly decides to go after the surviving FSB agent and discover the truth behind the attacks on his SEAL team. I have never read Clancy's 1993 novel, but I have read a detailed synopsis of its plot. Needless to say, screenwriters Taylor Sheridan and Will Staples made some major changes in the 2021 adaptation. Unlike the novel, the death of Kelly's wife played a role in the conspiracy that loomed over the Aleppo mission. In fact, the literary Pam was a drug mule/prostitue whom Kelly had befriended and whose death he wanted to kill after she was raped and murdered by her drug-dealer/pimp. The Aleppo mission was basically a replay of a mission involving Vietnam War P.O.W.s and a K.G.B. mole. To be perfectly honest, I found Clancy's novel rather convoluted. Kelly's narrative arc seemed to be torn between the plot line involving Pam and the drug-dealer/pimp and the situation regarding the P.O.W.s, with no real connection between the two. Sheridan and Staples made a wise decision to combine aspects of Clancy's two narrative arcs into one plot line for the movie. Another aspect about "WITHOUT REMORSE" I find interesting is that Amazon Prime had decided to produce a movie about the John Kelly/Clark character. The fact that the company started with an adaptation of a novel about the character's origin only makes me wonder if it has plans for the Kelly/Clark character to make his appearance in a future episode or season of "JACK RYAN". Or . . . if Amazon Prime has plans for Ryan to appear in another production with Kelly/Clark as the lead. Both Ryan and Kelly/Clark are known as the two biggest characters in Clancy's literary "Ryanverse" franchise. And the pair became close friends and colleagues as well. Not only did "WITHOUT REMORSE" prove to be an improvement on the 1993 novel's plot, it also featured some first-rate action sequences. Actually there were two action scenes that really impressed me, thanks to Stefano Sollima's direction. One of those sequences featured the SEAL team's efforts to rescue the C.I.A. operative in the film's opening scene. I thought it was well handled. But I was especially impressed by Sollima's handling of the movie's last action sequence that featured Kelly and the others' efforts to find the fourth FSB operative in Murmansk. I believe this sequence was enhanced by the cast's performances and Sollima's efforts to convey a sense of impeding doom for the SEAL team. Most of the performances featured in "WITHOUT REMORSE" struck me as solid, but not particularly mind-blowing. These solid performances came from the likes of Brett Gelman, Lauren London, Lucy Russell, Luke Mitchell and surprisingly Colman Domingo and Guy Pearce. I say "surprisingly" in regard to Domingo and Pearce, considering that both actors are usually known for delivering outstanding performances - even in supporting roles. I thought both actors did not seem to be putting much effort in their performances. However, I enjoyed the performances of Jodie Turner-Smith, who portrayed Kelly/Clark's commander Karen Greer and Jamie Bell (lead Michael B. Jordan's former co-star from 2015's "FANTASTIC FOUR"), who portrayed C.I.A. officer Robert Ritter. I thought Turner-Smith did an excellent job in conveying both the warmth and commanding presence of Greer. And Bell was excellent as the ambiguous and at times, manipulative Ritter. I certainly had no problems with Michael B. Jordan's portrayal of the vengeful Kelly. I thought he did an excellent job of conveying his character's emotional journey from a man satisfied with his life, grief, revenge and finally willingness to start a new path. If I had to choose two scenes that I really enjoyed, they were Kelly finally facing his grief over his wife's death and his confrontation with the movie's main villain. As much as I enjoyed "WITHOUT REMORSE", I must admit that I had two problems with Sheridan and Staples' screenplay. Both were featured in the film's finale. Kelly, Greer, her SEAL team and C.I.A. officer Robert Ritter went to Murmansk in order to find the last FSB operative who had survived the attack on Kelly's home. After Kelly, Greer and her SEAL team managed to survive what proved to be a trap, the movie focused on Kelly discovering who was truly behind the Aleppo mission, the attacks on Kelly, his wife and two other SEAL operatives; and the Murmansk mission. Needless to say, this hunt for the "Big Bad" felt like a rush job. I truly wish they had taken the trouble to convey how Kelly learned who was responsible for the conspiracy behind the Aleppo and Murmansk missions, along with the murders of the two SEAL operatives and Pam Kelly. Also, the main villain's motives behind the conspiracy struck me as unoriginal. I have seen this scenario used in so many political thrillers over the years that it seemed a pity that Sheridan and Staples' screenplay could not be more original. Yes, "WITHOUT REMORSE" had its flaws. But flawed or not, I still believe that it was an improvement over Tom Clancy's original 1993 novel. I have to give credit to Stefano Sollima's energetic direction, a solid screenplay by Taylor Sheridan and Will Staples; along with a first-rate cast led by the always excellent Michael B. Jordan. I do not know if this movie will be considered part of Amazon Prime's "Ryanverse", but a part of me hope so. It would be a waste if it was not.

[xaibaugrove]

An Analysis of Ellie

In honor of The Last Of Us Day, I’m finally gonna drag out this headcanon I’ve had in my drafts forever. If you choose to read this, good luck because it’s a long time. 

Of course, SPOILERS AHEAD. 

So, this all started with me thinking about how Ellie has suffered from survivor’s guilt ever since she discovered her immunity, when she was meant to die with her girlfriend/best friend Riley. 

In that moment, Ellie had already embraced death and wanted to share it with her loved one, but that was robbed from her. She continued to live while forced to watch who might have been the first person she ever loved turn from infection. Ellie had no explanation for why that gift of immunity had been given to her. She had that gift thrust upon her by forces outside of her control. Ellie had to contend with her new existence as someone immune to the infection that had torn apart Earth’s reality, trapped in a paradox as a young teenage girl in a post apocalyptic world, until Marlene relieved her of that pressure by giving her life meaning, by giving purpose to her immunity and bestowing an important identity upon her: the savior of the human race.

Before all that, Ellie had always been just a number. She was just an orphan kid in a sea of other faceless, nameless kids in a military boarding school, without a future or special kind of destiny in a bleak world without any real meaning. Suddenly, she was a savior for all humanity and tasked with the tremendous responsibility of staying alive. She had to contend with her life having more value than others, seeing people sacrificing themselves over and over again, for her, when she had lived as a nobody for all her life until that point when everything changed.

I can imagine that that was a lot for Ellie to deal with as a teenager, a key developmental time in her life when she is just learning who she is as a person. A lot of her identity was based on not having an identity. Being trained and destined to be a nameless soldier. So when that identity was called into question, when she was smacked in the face with immunity to a virus that killed her best friend and numerous people on the planet, she needed the absurdity of her existence to be reigned in by her new title of savior of the human race.

During her journey with Joel, while the player mostly experienced the story and struggle of Joel, Ellie was struggling with her own internal issues as the secondary character. She mainly dealt with the loss of her innocence but she also still carried within her a crippling survivor’s guilt. This is very apparent after the death of Tess. In that pivotal scene in Part 1, Tess made it abundantly clear that the only reason why she was sacrificing herself was because of Ellie’s immunity, to the point of physically grabbing Ellie by the arm and pointing to the point of infection, relegating Ellie to just her immunity. Of course it wasn’t Tess’s intention to do that, but one can only wonder how Ellie absorbed that moment, another moment that helped her in defining herself. Tess wasn’t risking her life to save Ellie the person. She sacrificed herself for the immunity, the potential cure Ellie carried within her. 

This assisted Ellie in defining herself by her immunity. Instead of thinking about herself and how she related to the world around her with all the contradictions of her childhood, and the relationships she formed with Joel and Sam, the people in that world, it was easier to just soldier through life with the sole goal of fulfilling her destiny. Saving the human race.

Then came the turning point in her life, when her identity was stripped from her by the very person she had come to trust and love the most.

In a way, Ellie had her autonomy taken from her by Joel and had to come to grips with that, the fact that Joel loved her and yet, hurt her deeply as a result of that love, without truly acknowledging it. In making this ultimate decision about her life for her, Joel triggered her survivor’s guilt and Ellie had no way of expressing it, 1. Because Joel lied to her about the situation and forced the conversation to be buried in that lie, and 2. Because even if she gathered the courage to confront him about the lie, she didn’t really have the cognitive ability at the time to express herself fully, to tell him exactly what was wrong with it. And maybe on some level, she didn’t really want to have the conversation and finally clarify the unspoken truth. If she did initiate the conversation, how could she be angry at him when his defense is that he did what he did out of love? What defense would an average teenager have against a parent making that statement in one of many common situations that could occur in normal settings?

Because of the decision that Joel made, he was able to be content with his surrogate daughter, living his best life in a way, while Ellie was devastated in the aftermath. And if he did notice her inner turmoil, he never addressed it. She was probably subtly carrying around that guilt with her for years. It might have even bothered her or made her hesitant to indulge in the many positive aspects of being alive: developing friendships, romantic relationships, normal childhood things. It wasn’t until Ellie was allowed to stew on it, contemplate everything and allow the guilt to fester within her that she was able to finally muster up the courage to have that difficult conversation with Joel.

In yet another pivotal scene, this time in Part 2, she gave him another chance to confess to what she suspected was a lie for multiple years when she was met with another trigger of her survivor’s guilt, during the reluctant excursion she embarked upon with Joel in search of strings for the guitar he made for her. In that scene, she questions him, counters his excuses and challenges him. Ellie gave Joel the chance to be honest with her. And his choice was to dig his heels in deeper, lying to her face once again. When watching Ellie’s expressions after Joel silenced her protests, so much can be seen in the way she looks at him for a moment.

She looks at him and thinks of how many things he has done to make her happy, out of love for her, and the immense contradiction she feels with those acts of love when compared to the greatest pain he inadvertently inflicted on her as well as the continuation of that pain through him perpetuating the lie. She gave him another chance and he betrayed her trust again. When Ellie looks away from Joel, her expression then reveals her innermost thoughts. Her eyes search the void between them to see that Joel will never admit to the lie and the only way for her to reinforce what she believes is the real truth is for her to seek out the answers herself. So she does.

When he did finally confess to everything, it broke her with not only how indifferent he was to it, but how he had destroyed any chance she could have of fulfilling her purpose. It possibly even reaffirmed the suspicions in the back of her mind that questioned his love for her due to how much he had hurt her without apologizing even once for it and how much he had taken from her in the process. The validity of all their past interactions were suddenly called into question as well, because although Joel did those things to make Ellie happy, every happy moment was always undercut by the tremendous amount of guilt she carried that outweighed the happier moments for her as her entire life was worthless to her, from the moment Joel removed her from that hospital.

After that revelation, her sense of self was thrown into limbo. Ellie severed her relationship with Joel and went back to Jackson with no idea of how to truly carry on with her life and live with herself after that. In order to appease herself in some way, she regained some type of control in navigating their relationship from that point on. Before, their relationship hinged entirely on how Joel wanted to interact with her, with him approaching her to progress their father-daughter relationship after he removed her agency by making choices for her. Post their argument at St. Mary’s, it’s important to note that Ellie assumed control and eliminated that progression entirely. A consolation prize, a reclamation of her agency in life. But it was never enough.

Regardless, things continued on like that for some time, but then something happened that shifted the trajectory of Joel and Ellie’s relationship. On a night when Ellie attended a party, she happened to find herself possibly feeling grateful for being alive when her longtime best friend expressed interest in her and made an advance toward her. 

After Joel intervened in a conflict between her and a dumbass bigot, she angrily went to confront him. She continued to exercise her control in their relationship by coming down hard on him. Her anger about everything was very apparent during their confrontation later that night and one can see that she still felt like her life was technically meaningless without her death for the sake of a cure for the salvation of the human race. During that scene she finally expresses exactly how she feels, what she hadn’t been able to articulate for years.

It’s important to note that before she says any of that, Joel disarms her. Joel asked her about the simplest of things, if Dina was her girlfriend. Then he placed an importance on her existence, by saying that Dina would be lucky to have her, which I believe Ellie thought about for a split second. She ruminated on her feelings, on how a potential romantic relationship with Dina made her feel happy to be alive, as it wouldn’t have been possible if she had died in the hospital. And this thought, that Joel could have been right to save her, that she could possibly agree with him, caused her survivor’s guilt to spiral and she lashed out at him with all the emotions she felt since he first agreed to smuggle her across the country years ago.

Then, in a turning point in their dynamic, Joel is finally forthright with her when he responds to her frustration by stating that he would do it all over again. As a result, for the first time ever, Ellie feels as though she can finally understand his motivations and the validity of his love for her. In his honesty, he tells her that her life does have value to him, even if she can’t see that herself. And although she will never forgive him for his transgression or fully understand it because she doesn’t see her own value as a person aside from the potential cure she carries within herself along with her immunity, she realizes that she can’t stop herself from wanting... From wanting to live, from wanting to experience the joys of life, wanting to just be human. Joel introduces a new purpose to her life, to simply exist without purpose and be herself and find value in her life as just a person living it. She can’t erase the past and change Joel’s choices that directly affected her in the end, but she can choose to try his suggestion. To live life, despite her guilt and despite how afraid she feels to do it. This late night moment of vulnerability between a father and daughter opens the door to them possibly repairing what was broken 4 years ago.

Her entire world is then shattered when Abby slams that door shut by killing Joel. Just when Ellie was setting down the path of finding the strength to move on and repair their relationship. Her survivor’s guilt was triggered and sent into overdrive by this event, because once she discovered that the people who killed Joel were ex-Fireflies, she came to the conclusion that Abby killed Joel in retaliation to him removing Ellie from the hospital and killing any hopes of a cure, along with all the Fireflies in the hospital. This essentially caused Ellie to believe that Joel was killed because of her in a roundabout way, as he would have still been alive if he hadn’t saved her, further enforcing her belief that her ultimate destiny in life was to die in that hospital. In Ellie’s mind, Joel died for a pointless reason, because she viewed herself as worthless.

Since she and Joel were the only ones who carried the secret of what really happened at St. Mary’s, there was no one else who could blame her or punish her for his death. Abby punished someone who didn’t deserve the blame and let Ellie go, leaving her to deal with the aftermath and that survivor’s guilt. In Ellie’s mind, it should have been her, but there was no way for her to have swapped herself in Joel’s place. So she punished herself in a different way. This sends her down her path of addiction to self-destruction.

Ellie had no way of punishing herself for her immunity for all those years, for surviving while others died for her. Abby provided an outlet for this desire. Ellie pursued Abby under the guise of getting justice for Joel but more can be ascertained from her constant push to find Abby, in her constantly doing things that go against her better nature, committing horrible acts and torturing people, debasing herself and pushing away those who love her or even putting them in danger while simultaneously traumatizing herself all at once. With every murder she committed, with every wound she sustained, she was punishing herself for being alive.

Each wound she suffered during that pursuit was like a high for her, an adrenaline rush. Each time she damaged her mental state even further with a new murder of one of Abby’s friends, she reinforced the belief that she deserved all of this for surviving. She deserved all the pain for being the cure, for being immune and benefiting from it while the world and everyone in it suffered. This is why Ellie can’t let go, even after her first encounter with Abby.

It was easy for Ellie to spiral in that self-destructive cycle. She punished herself for Joel’s death by pursuing Abby, which caused her closest friends to suffer because they were connected to her hunt for justice. Even when it all seemed to be over and Ellie tried to change. Tommy nearly died and wound up crippled and separated from his wife because of her and even JJ wound up without a father due to Jesse dying while helping her in her pursuit of Abby. This all contributed to her revisiting the same destructive path when Tommy accused her of not following through after all he had lost for her. Tommy started her self-punishment with that accusation. And once Ellie had the chance to think it all over, it was easy for her to return to the same bad habits. This is why she leaves and continues to pursue Abby, steeling herself against a near-fatal abdominal injury, doing whatever it takes to get to her, lying to herself this time, by telling herself all the while that it is in service of Joel. To repay his life that was taken from him. To even out the injustice.

Ellie realizes this lie when she is mere seconds away from exacting her revenge by drowning Abby in the ocean. Joel’s face flashes across her mind, of him during that night when he told her that her life had value. She realizes in that moment that killing Abby will not bring her peace, because the motivation behind the act is a lie. It will not give her life value or meaning, or purpose. Because her life already has value. Outside of a cure, outside of her immunity, outside of her saving humankind. Her life has value because of who she is, not what she can give to the world. And Ellie finally realizes that she must accept this to be whole. Killing Abby won’t help her do this...so she lets her go. She watches the boat leave as she sits in the ocean tides ebbing and flowing around her, thinking of how broken she is, how much she has lost and if she can bring herself back from the brink to find value in the meaningless existence she believed her life was for so long.

When she revisits the farm and contemplates all this while holding a guitar that she’ll never be able to play again, she recalls that memory, when Joel reminded her of her value. In that final scene, she realized that Joel was the first person in her life who didn’t see her for her immunity. Joel saw Ellie for who she was and saw value in her as a person. To such a degree that he was willing to risk all of humanity to keep her alive. She was then able to forgive him and know that he truly did love her for her, something no one else had ever done before him. And if he could love her for her, maybe she could learn to do the same.

[piratefalls]

A McDanno rec list for a new friend. (These are also authors I enjoy, so consider this a blanket rec list.)

The Bareknuckle Poet by pleasebekidding

After a serious accident left Steve temporarily wheelchair-bound, working towards his recovery, he enrolled at Rutgers for a year. He met Danny Williams in his criminology course, wearing pride pins and chipped black nail polish, so sure of himself that Steve found it breathtaking. What happened next redefined Steve's sense of self, his ambitions, and many of his priorities.

Tax Benefits by renecdote

“Everyone already assumes we’re married so maybe we should just...” Danny gestures broadly with his beer. He’s maybe a little bit… Not drunk, but definitely tipsy.

“For the tax benefits.”

Danny gives him an aggravated look. “Yes, Steven, for the tax benefits.”

Danny (jokingly) suggests they should get married. Steve takes him seriously.

ua kaha aku la ka nalu o kuu aina (the surf has pressed upon my land) by icoulddothisallday, TetrodotoxinB

Steve knows, he learned, how a man behaves. He can play his part. Danny, who is a good man and great father, looks nothing like what Steve was taught. Reconciling the two means giving up everything he's clung too for the last two decades, and there's nothing about it that's easy.

*potentially triggery AF (deals with effects of conversion therapy) but beautifully rendered

the art of leaving and saying goodbye by Verasteine

2007 is the year Danny learns that choice can be the worst kind of heartbreak. AU.

*warning for infidelity (not mcdanno)

in jest by apathyinreverie

“No, babe,” Danny shakes his head with a grin. “If the apocalypse were to go down while I’m elsewhere for some godforsaken reason, then you stay put and I’m coming to wherever you are.” His grin widens. “And I expect you to have cleared any aliens or zombies or whatever else might be messing with us off the island and to have set up a nice, comfortable military dictatorship for us to rule over by the time I get back.”

It’s a joke.

Of course it’s a joke.

Until it isn’t.

(A the-day-after-tomorrow-style apocalypse AU, where the world decides to end right when Danny is visiting one of the other islands with Grace. Because, of course, it does.)

not just friendship (romance too) by earthquakedream

Steve's gone and gotten himself a boyfriend. Danny's not sure what worse: the fact that he's stupidly jealous or that he actually likes the guy.

All I Ever Wanted (It Comes with a Price) by leviarty

Steve gets shot. Again. Danny is not okay.

* warning: a young grace shoots someone to protect both herself and a gravely injured steve

After All Our Troubles, We Have This by Banshi13

"I'm ending this," McGarrett muttered after a few moments of silence. "I'm not coming back until Wo Fat is in the ground. I'll dig his own grave and bury him myself if I have to, but my father is dead, my mother is running all over the world in hiding, my sister and I were uprooted from our lives, and now he's got Danny locked somewhere in a basement in the middle of Japan." He looked both Chin and Kono in the eye, deadly resolve in his eyes. "This ends. Now. This is the absolute last time that man interferes with my life and my family."

The Other Guy by haldoor

Danny tells Steve what he thinks is a funny story from when he attended Grace's school play. Steve doesn't think it's so funny; in fact, it makes him jealous.

Strapped by stellarmeadow

Steve's determined Danny's going to be prepared next time.

Warm to the Touch by veronicaluv

Danny didn't think twice about going to North Korea to find Steve. He just didn't know everything would go to hell when they got back.

Me and my heart (We got issues) by SquaresAreNotCircles

“I’m in love with you, Steve,” Danny says. He does it softly, quietly, laying the words into the darkness of Steve’s backyard like they’re something breakable, something to be tiptoed around. “I thought you should know.”

Steve’s heart jumps. It rams against his ribcage so hard it’s going to leave bruises. So hard he startles awake, and he almost yells before he realizes he’s outside because he fell asleep in one of the garden chairs in his backyard again.

how to be gay for your best friend in ten easy steps by commatme

See, the thing is that Danny doesn’t really do gay sex, what with being straight and all, but when Steve says I love you he sounds so earnest he makes Danny want to consider it. Which is crazy, right? He’s pretty sure that’s crazy, or at least a little unhinged.

It’s Not So Easy Caving In by paradis

The one where Danny used to be a heroin addict.

blame it on the ocean view by carryokee

Danny gives in, freaks out, and comes to his senses.

So Have I Loved You by Brumeier

In which Grace has a surprise for Steve's birthday and there's not a dry eye in the house.

take it back to a couple years yesterday by itsrosencrantz

Danny really, really doesn't want to go to his twenty year high school reunion.

Steve decides they're going anyway, and Danny takes it about as well as you'd expect.

View From The Shipwreck by flowerfan

Danny Williams isn’t in a great place – he’s a reluctant transplant to Oahu and an outsider at HPD. Former Navy SEAL Steve McGarrett isn’t doing much better, having suffered a career ending injury. When Danny’s young daughter Grace wanders into Steve’s bar after getting lost on a school field trip, Danny is drawn to Steve, somewhat against his better judgement – he’s got enough on his plate. He’s not exactly sure what Steve sees in him. As they spend more time together, Danny learns how Steve’s injury has changed his life in many ways, but not the most important ones. As one thing leads to another, Danny realizes that things might be looking up after all.

True North by lavvyan

“Tell you what, my dad’s throwing his annual Christmas Ball on Saturday. It’s not a trip to Aspen or anything, but it is nice. Fancy food and everything. You guys should come!”

On the trail of a suspected war criminal, Steve and Danny have to go undercover at a fancy ball. The sacrifices they make for the job.

Oh, and Steve's pining like the taiga. Nothing new there.

outside the lines by withoutwords

“I’m Detective Williams.” Danny says, not trying too hard to keep it smug free. “This is my partner, Detective Mackenzie.”

Ken Doll keeps his arms up, his eyes flickering between them all as if he's only seeing police for the first time. “Good cover,” he tells Danny, and it sets Danny’s teeth on edge.

“This is the part where you say sorry for assaulting a police detective, for compromising an investigation, and for acting like a complete asshole while doing it,” Danny growls, about to change his mind and cuff the guy himself.

“Sorry, Officer.”

The bastard is still grinning.

Boys Like Me, We Try Too Hard by romanticallyinept

Steve's always wound so fucking tight.

And Danny's worried about him. Legitimately worried about him. Because maybe Steve always lays into the perps a little hard, and maybe he follows his own rules and his own morals and doesn't stop to sleep unless his body's actually shutting down around him, but usually, Steve's okay at the end of the day. Usually, Steve's not leaning against the wall of the alley they're in, eyes closed and shaking, with the perp he'd cuffed a minute earlier lying on the ground and crying about his broken nose.

Steve keeps a secret, and Danny does his best to patch him back up when it comes to light.

Transformative by boxparade

“You know, I’d heard you’d changed a lot after high school, but I’ve gotta admit, this is a little weird.”

* trans (FTM) Danny

All the Way by VictoriaAGrey

Danny has lost count of how many times he and Steve have used the sexual tension between them for undercover work, only for it to be bottled away after the op is over. With Saint Michael as his witness, that ends tonight.

Nocturne in C# Minor (featuring Stevie Ray Vaughn) by minor_demimonde

So, to recap, Danny has beautiful eyes, great shoulders, a pleasantly-shaped butt, a delectable mouth, expressive hands, and he smells good.

You know, Steve has gone to bed with women who didn’t have that much going for them.

seen it in the flight of birds by Siria

AU from the beginning of Season 2. The Five-0 task force has been reinstated, but the new governor's determined to shake things up. Facing changes and unexpected betrayals, the team has to work together to face new challenges.

It Ain’t Me Babe (Nah), It Ain’t Me You’re Looking For (Babe) by tourdefierce

A story in which Danny makes lists and can't find his heterosexuality underneath all his homogay, Steve has a lot of faces, Kono is perfect in every way and Chin continues to keep Hawaii safe from the Five-O's general disfunction—Or, a story about Kono being awesome and how she likes her men with hearts in their eyes for each other.

Ratios, Decimals, and Percentages by fuchs

In which Steve takes an internet quiz and slowly loses his mind. Danny's okay with it.

Let’s Dance Like We Used To by AndreaLyn

There isn't a world in which Danny wouldn't go after Grace. So when Rachel moves the family to California, Danny goes with. Steve gets left to process life without Danny.

Gunfire, Rainfall, and Beach Erosion by thegrrrl2002

Steve and Danny are kidnapped. After which there is too much swimming and too much rain and it's all very romantic. If you are Steve, that is.

Moving In (To Every Single Aspect of Danny’s Life, Including the Boring Bits like Dry-Cleaning by westgirl

It felt wrong for Steve to sound unsure of his place in Danny’s life. His place in Danny’s life was at Danny’s side, driving him slowly insane. Steve should feel secure about that.

Always Known What I Wanted To Be by mickeysixx

Grace Williams has always wanted to be a cop.

The Taper Phase by popfly

It’s like being run over by an armored car, like the impact of gunshot to tac vest. The pride Danny feels for his daughter and something else, something about Steve’s tank top sticking to his stomach, the way his shorts stretch across his thighs. The goofy grin that lights up Steve’s face when he sees Danny and Charlie, waving one hand while he nudges Grace with the other.

Pitching Woo by SBG

In which Danny pitches (and then accidentally catches) woo.

clue: four letters, ‘is a many splendored thing’ by armillarysphere

“Crosswords? What are you, sixty?”

“They stimulate brain activity, Danno. You ought to try it sometime.”

Steve doesn’t even look up from his newspaper, half-chewed pen resting at the corner of his mouth in an entirely too distracting way.

That’s Not Just Friendship, That’s Romance by thismuchmore

Danny and Steve start out accidentally dating each other, and it turns into something more.

it’s not what you’re sure of (it’s what you don’t know) by somehowunbroken

Art thief Steve McGarrett and his team come up against FBI Special Agent Danny Williams, and things spin wildly out of control from there.

Same Deep Water by JiM, kalena

This isn't the first lifetime Danny's been in Hawaii. When the stress ratchets up, the dreams get more and more real. Turns out Danny has some unfinished business . . . with Steve.

Warning: Ambien use may lower inhibitions in a wakeful state.

Curiosity Didn’t Kill This Cat by unadrift

"I'm confused," Rachel says. "Are you two dating or not?"

Danny sighs. "You remember that thing with the cat in the box? The one that's both dead and alive?"

"Schroedinger's cat?"  

"It's kind of like that."

"Okay," Rachel says. She clearly has no idea what he's talking about.

2727 Piikoi Street by imaginary_iby

The ways in which Danny makes himself at home by Steve's side, and the family he gains as the years go by. (Featuring Steve in Timberland boots and little else, and happy goofs who like to make out against the front door).

All The Earth Awaits Thee by Portrait_of_a_Fool

Steve knows all about war and willpower, but this is still the hardest battle he’s ever had to fight.

* warning: life threatening illness, no MCD

The Vertical Challenge by AlamoGirl80

Five times Danny thinks about his height, and then realizes that being "not-tall" doesn't really suck at all.

Some Things to Think About When You Decide to Be an Asshole by sutlers

Steve gets high and tries to fuck Danny; things devolve from there.

Inked by thehoyden

Of course Steve is enjoying himself. They're bait for a serial killer who has some sort of serious hangup about tattooing loved ones' names on their skin -- of course Steve thinks this is practically like a vacation, but better, because the chances of collateral damage are higher.

This Thing Of Ours (It Needs a Better Name) by leupagus

Cosa Nostra: (kō'sə nō'strə) etym: Italian n. The branch of the Mafia operating in the United States. Literally, "our thing" or "this thing of ours."

Ho’oponopono by ember_firedrake

Groundhog Day AU. Danny finds himself trapped in the same day over and over again.

Swim for Brighter Days by zarah5

Danny kisses Steve late on a Tuesday, early on a Wednesday. Steve punches him. (Set vaguely post-finale, so spoilers for that.)

All My Guards Away by sheafrotherdon

Tag to episode 1x18, with all the heartache that implies. Now with bonus fixes. With thanks to dogeared for all her suggestions and edits.

Let’s Take it from the Top by pterawaters

Steve goes along with the bachelor-party-in-Vegas, because he chose Danny to be his best man, and that's what Danny wants to do. Unfortunately, the things that happen in Vegas don't necessarily stay there.

How to Keep Your Mouth Shut by primetime

Danny’s sometimes gay. Gay, sometimes. Does dudes. He doesn’t know how to say it right. He doesn’t know how to say it at all.

Don’t Turn Me Home Again by gyzym

After a rough day of island living, Danny wakes up in New Jersey and learns the hard way to be careful what he wishes for.

End-Around by t_fic

Steve hesitates with his hand on the doorknob, looking back over his shoulder at Danny and nodding once before disappearing inside, and yeah, Danny is going to be so fucking lucky to get through this night without a coronary event.

Lonely People Do Stupid Things by waketosleep

Danny decides to show Steve the true meaning of Christmas, and does it by dragging him to New Jersey.

Down Beneath the Waves by samjohnsson

A picture may be worth a thousand words, but sometimes it takes another thousand to explain it.

Love’s a Battlefield (and the Navy Did Not Train Steve for This Shit) by cyerus

The Kalakaua-Kelly clan are determined to matchmake Steve. Out of desperation, Steve makes up a boyfriend named Danny.

It doesn't quite go according to plan.

put your mind at ease by eleanor_lavish

Somewhere in the last year, while Steve was busy killing bad guys, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell has been erased from the books and guys like Jeff can marry whoever they damn well please.

You’ve Got Hawaii (and all I’ve got is you) by queenklu

In which Danny has issues, presents, and Steve fleas, not necessarily in that order.

Jaws by JoeLawson

Danny has a secret.

[lightholme]

That's a great way to describe the nature of human nature. A lot of our instincts stem from useful shortcuts like that.

Human brains didn't evolve to handle the vast interconnectivity, complexity, and nuance of the modern world. Hell, the brain can't even really handle more than ~150 meaningful personal connections.

We operate deeply by back-of-the-napkin heuristics that solve our early evolutionary problems, but they're not very accurate. It's easier to get it right 70% of the time in one second than it is to get it right 100% of the time in thirty seconds. When a snowball (or lion) is flying at your face, moving at all is better than sitting around while you verify the threat's trajectory precisely.

Unfortunately, our tendency to align with those around us (a convenient heuristic sometimes still) isn't the sole problem here.

Some of these heuristics/instincts are naturally buffered. For example, one might imagine that the tendency (or inevitability) for people to bifurcate and fracture larger groups into less-than-150 sized groups is enough to minimize the problem, but just because it feels fine doesn't mean the result is fine. We form tribes on the spot for all sorts of reasons. Team A, Team B. My group, your group. Soccer teams, military platoons. Clades of styles and habits bloom and wither like algae tides. As a species, we crave that aspect of tribalism so deeply that sometimes a well placed "us" and a weaseled in "them" is enough to draw the lines that become a riot. This tendency can be positive sometimes (sometimes), sure.

What about our tendency to over-value sugar in a world where calories are no longer worth storing? That is a known-and-visible problem, isn't it? And how about the fact that a single mouse-click can show you more naked ladies than one's ancestors saw in their entire life - multiples more, in fact? It seems obvious that distorting such critically important evolutionary impulses miiiiight muddy the waters a bit even if we allow ourselves to believe that we handle it fine, that all is well, or that it's even somehow ideal.

Even these examples of specific and "obvious" discrepancies between our bioevolutionary hardware and our socio-technological elevation is a small enough as an idea to share with a stranger over a beer. The Real Heavy Shit™ is so unwieldy that a scientist-philosopher would struggle to gaze at directly, let alone transmit to others in a format smaller than a series of structured TedTalks.

The reasons for the issues we're facing (and in a sense have always faced) are myriad, but in recent times I think a new dynamic has been born, magnified, then bootstrapped itself into life beneath our notice - all within a single human generation. Information has become a danger to us. Any information. It is an emergent property that rises from the quasi-computational substrate of human social interaction.

Problem: When the complexity of an idea rises above the level of one's ability to conceptualize the 'entire thing' at once, we have to take the parts we can't see on faith.

With the proper framework, foundation, and a well-trained instinct this isn't an entirely disruptive phenomenon - it's even obvious and expected, right? One cannot hold the entire subject of 'science' in their head at one time. One cannot even hold the entirety of 'geology'. And even if one could, you'd be unable to truly understand geologic mechanisms without understanding that the elements that make all those fancy rocks came from dynamics that stem from astrophysics.

These things cannot be held, but they can be traced and compared and tested (if someone cares to do so in the first place). Even then, misconceptions easily bloom like cancers in the absence of an effort to validate.

Now consider the idea of an informational construct that is not so easily proven by mere effort and time. Imagine one that isn't built specifically to avoid misconception like science is. (which - unfortunately - still results in vast misconceptions by layman and scientist alike). When we cannot hold an idea in our head from start-to-finish, we also cannot verify that it exists distinct from itself at all. One can't tell a snake from an ouroborous. And unless you have something to compare it to, reference it against, the difference between a cancer and an organ is negligible. It's only in the context of an organism that a cancer is even harmful, even deadly. A cancerous tumor, viewed in a vacuum, is - for lack of a better term - successful as fuck at what it's doing... Perpetuating itself at all costs, regardless of benefit, regardless of consequence.

Ideas are not just informational nuggets. They're active, living systems which 'compete' not unlike living creatures do through the rules of their unique brand of quasi-evolutionary pressures. Ideas are both organs and cancers. And when billions of thinking beings are unable to easily determine the difference between an organ and a cancer, well... It's not so difficult to imagine that problems might arise.

To the elucidated or aware, it's horrifying to see someone running around trying to share a poison with others, claiming it to be something it is not. It's confusing to imagine how such a delusion can not only exist at all, but to spread with a veracity greater - far greater - than Real Deal truths. I will admit that part of that is because these sort of ideas empower the thinker. Real truths are either boring or frightening (or both). Aliens and crystals, gods and secret societies are so much more comforting than acknowledging that nobody is really at the wheel, that society is a ship in a storm rocked by systems - hydrodynamics, meteorological - far too complex to grasp, far too large to be defeated by comparatively meek human drives.

There's certainly more than one reason that someone interested in particular subjects (flat earth, for example) tend to also be interested in toxic conservative politics, religion, ancient aliens, so on. Many of these sort of meme-laden ideas are fundamentally incompatible with each other, yet you commonly find them in the same place. I personally use invented terms like "psychological antivirus/firewalls" since the concept of common sense alone doesn't have the load-bearing capacity to address this level of metastasized information.

Again -- A cancer is successful in a vacuum. It is optimized for relentless growth in absence of both usefulness and sustainability. Modern pressures (namely a social density vastly greater than what our brains can handle and the fast-paced war-for-attention nature of the internet) are now selecting ideas not for value or consistency, but transmissability.

Close your eyes and apply this metaphor to the rest of the world. Taste the horror of this truth, then consider that the issue can barely be described at all, let alone compressed down and shared to the world like some sort of hotfix. Following the metaphor, it'd be like writing a well-worded essay to convince your immune system to recognize an autoimmune disorder. You can't "Hey, bud. We need to have a talk." to a virus.

Christ, we can't even convince people to vaccinate against an actual virus that can be seen and verified as both real and harmful. This informational plague of idea-viruses is not only not-visible, hidden by abstraction, too recent to be intuitive, too large to even be named - some are seen by its victims as positive, absolute, worthy of defending with one's life even as one denies it exists at all.

Unfortunately, even this is just one of the many reasons why/how the modern world is simply too much for the smart apes known as homo sapiens.

TL;DR - Modern pressures (namely a social density vastly greater than what our brains can handle and the fast-paced war-for-attention nature of the internet) are now selecting ideas not for value or consistency, but transmissability. Some people are more ideal as carriers and vectors than others, but most of us have felt the sensation of being drawn into something or slowly waking up from a stupor we were born into.