#also sorry this took so long idk why my brain wouldnt cooperate

[ghosttotheparty]

say my name and say it twice (cotton candy skies)

30. also on AO3 chapter twenty nine

Lucas is leaning against a crosslight pole, ignoring the cold seeping through his jacket and sweatshirt (and ignoring the cold biting at his cheeks and nose, which he’s almost positive are the same shade of pink as the sky.) He scrolls on his phone, his fingers moving deftly across the screen as he responds to the group chat with Kes and Jayden (“you guys are so stupid”), and as he sends a message to Isa. 

He came out to her the day after he came out to the guys, through a text message. 

Hey, Ies So I don’t really know how to tell you this so I’m just going to say it I’m gay  And I’ve actually, really come to terms with it since moving and I have a boyfriend (his name is Jens, I think you’d really like him) and I kind of just wanted to tell you because I love you and you’re really important to me even though we haven’t been talking much so yeah

And her response had made him cry.

Lucas. I love you so much and I support you and love you no matter what I expect to meet this Jens, I need deem him worthy of you

Now he responds to a meme she’s sent but looks up when he hears Damien’s voice say his name. 

He grins as he watches Damien, Lena, and Rosa come out of the studio building, laughing as Lena attempts to trip Rosa unsuccessfully. 

“Hey, honey!” Lena says as they approach him and they both reach out, slapping their palms together before she lifts herself up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. 

“Jens is talking to Cecile, he should be down soon,” Rosa tells him, answering his unspoken question before kissing his cheek and Lucas nods as he shakes Damien’s hand. “I know you miss him,” she adds, smiling sweetly. 

“I do,” he says, sighing. “How was practice?” 

“Good,” Damien says, his voice a stark difference from Rosa’s, which is light and gentle, soft-spoken as Jens had said, whereas Damien’s, while also gentle, is low and rough. “I would like to go to bed like, right now, but I have homework.”

Rosa gives him an exaggerated frown, drawing a finger down her cheek from her eye, and he laughs, hitting her shoulder lightly. Lucas shakes his head at them, smiling, and he catches Lena’s eye. She shakes her head, copying him, and rolls her eyes. 

“Stop flirting in front of Lucas,” she says, hitting Damien. “You’re gonna make him miss Jens even more.”  

“Shut up,” Rosa says, her cheeks darkening, as Damien hits Lena back saying, “We’re not—” as she giggles, hiding from his swinging hand behind Lucas. 

“Anyway,” Rosa says when Lena steps next to Lucas. “Practice was fine. Cecile is excited about the recital coming up so she’s extra bubbly.” “If that’s what you want to call it,” Damien says. 

“What do you mean?” Lucas asks. 

“It’s like she chugs five cans of Red Bull before we get there,” Lena says, looking up at him. 

“It’s actually ridiculous. But, also kind of encouraging?” Damien says, cocking his head, and Lena and Rosa both nod, agreeing. 

“She’s kind of like Lena before she has a date,” Rosa says. 

“Look,” Lena says, holding a finger up, and Damien smiles as he pulls his phone partially out of his pocket, looking at the screen. “I get very excited to see Elsa because she’s fun, and you know that.” 

“She is, it’s true,” Rosa concedes.

“She is,” Damien adds, and sighs. “I have to go, I have a project due tomorrow and I have not started.” He does finger guns to Lucas. 

“What’s it about?” Lucas asks. 

“Psychoanalytic behaviour theory.”

“Eeee-yikes.” Lena makes a face, grimacing. “Good luck.”

“Thank you for your sympathy.” 

“Always.” 

“I’ll see you later,” Damien says to Lucas, shaking his head at Lena as she gives him a faux smile. 

“You know, you and Damien would be really cute together,” Lucas says to Rosa after Damien leaves, and she gives him a disappointed look as Lena squeals, grabbing Lucas’s arm and shaking him back and forth. 

“Lucas, don’t you start…” 

“I’m just saying!” 

“Well, stop saying,” she says, leaning forward with emphasis, a hint of a teasing smile on her face. 

He holds his hands up, surrendering, still laughing as Lena shakes him one last time, finally shoving him and letting go. 

“You would be cute together,” Lena says, just to jab at Rosa. 

“Sto-o-o-op.”

“Whatever,” Lena huffs. “Anyway. I’m tired, so I’m going to go to bed as soon as I get home.”

“No homework?” Lucas asks, bumping his shoulder against Rosa affectionately. 

“Oh, no, there’s definitely homework. But am I gonna do it?” She raises her eyebrows, looking at him. “No.”

He holds back a laugh, inhaling, and then purses his lips, furrowing his brow at her. 

“I feel like you should do your homework.” 

“I feel like I need a nap.” 

He shrugs. 

“Can’t argue with that.” 

“Well, I’m gonna do my homework,” Rosa says. “So I’m going to go home.”

“Can I walk you?” Lena asks. “I don’t wanna be lonely.” She sticks her lower lip out, tilting her head slightly and giving Rosa puppy eyes. 

“Sure, why not.” 

Lena drops the look immediately. 

“Because I for sure am going to annoy the shit out of you.”

“Fuck.” 

Lucas laughs and leans down as they both tilt their heads up to kiss his cheeks simultaneously, and he smiles, his cheeks turning pinker than they already were. 

He watches as they walk down the sidewalk together, and smiles more when Rosa catches Lena’s hand and swings it. Lena lifts their hands and makes Rosa twirl, catching her by the arm when she stumbles and Lucas can just hear their laughter from where he stands. 

He waits a few more minutes, his hands curled into fists and stuffed into his pockets, until the doors open again and Jens steps out, his cheeks flushed red, his hair mussed, his mouth smiling. He shuts the door behind himself with both hands and then comes toward Lucas, clutching the strap of the duffel bag going across his chest. 

“Hey,” he says, stepping up close to Lucas and grabbing his waist, kissing his mouth and swinging him around slightly, the soles of Lucas’s shoes rubbing roughly against the concrete.

“How was practice?” Lucas asks when they pull back, pressing his cold hands to Jens’s face. His skin is warm. 

“Good.” He steps back slightly so he can see Lucas’s face clearly. “I’m really tired.”

“Understandable.” Lucas kisses him again, tossing his arms over his shoulders. “The flat’s empty tonight, do you want to come over?” 

“That sounds good. I don’t have any homework either, so we can just chill. Or, I don’t have any homework due tomorrow, I definitely have something due next week but…” 

Jens keeps talking, but Lucas glances past him, over his shoulder. 

And sees Robbe.

And Moyo. And Aaron. 

He almost immediately feels sick, his eyes locking with Robbe’s, who looks surprised, frozen in his tracks like a deer in headlights, like a child caught stealing candy. 

“Uhm…” Lucas interrupts Jens, not taking his eyes off the guys, his arms slowly coming off of Jens’s shoulders as he steps back. 

“What?” Jens asks, his smile dropping as he notices Lucas’s distressed expression, and his hands fall from Lucas’s waist. Lucas’s eyes flick to Jens’s and back, gesturing to them subtly. 

Jens turns, and what little was left of his smile that was left on his face vanishes. He looks blank for a second before he steps away from Lucas, facing the guys. 

“What are you doing here?” he asks, his voice lower than usual, shaking slightly. Lucas looks to him, his heart aching, scared. He wants to grab his hand. 

“Jens, I swear, we didn’t know there was even a dance studio here,” Moyo says, stepping forward slightly when Robbe and Aaron don’t say anything. 

“What are you doing here?” Jens asks again, slower, louder. 

They’re quiet, looking dumbstruck, speechless. 

“Get out of here,” he says quietly, shaking his head faintly. 

“Jens—” Robbe steps forward, looking to comfort him, to reassure him, but Lucas shoots him a look, a not now, just leave, please go look. 

“Get out of here,” he says again, stepping forward with emphasis. 

Lucas reaches out and grabs his sleeve, tugging it gently, trying to pull him away, glancing at the few dancers around, who are starting to turn to watch. 

“Leave!” 

“Baby…” Lucas says quietly, tugging his sleeve again, stepping closer to him. “Come on.”

The guys finally go, giving Jens one last apologetic, somewhat frightened, look. Lucas wonders if they’ve ever seen Jens like this, this angry, this scared. Robbe gives Lucas another look like he’s asking for reassurance, and Lucas shakes his head. Just go.

“Fuck,” Jens says softly, lifting a hand and pressing his fingers to his forehead. 

“Jens…” Lucas pulls at his arm, trying to pull him somewhere else, somewhere where there aren’t people looking, watching, wondering. 

“I…” Jens inhales shakily, and Lucas pulls again, finally leading him to the entrance of the alley, murmuring “Come on.” 

When they’re behind the wall and there aren’t any eyes on them, Lucas pushes Jens’s hand out of the way and brushes his fingertips over his face, over his forehead, brows, cheekbones, nose, lips. 

“Okay?” he asks softly when Jens takes a deep breath, his eyes closed. 

Jens lets out a quiet whimper, and his face scrunches up. Lucas shushes him quietly, pulling him into a hug, wrapping his arms around his neck and feeling Jens’s wrap around his waist, pulling him closer. Jens buries his face in Lucas’s neck. 

“I’ve got you,” Lucas whispers quietly. 

“They weren’t supposed to know,” Jens chokes out, his voice thick. 

“I know, baby,” Lucas sighs, and he shuts his eyes. 

Jens pulls away abruptly. “I’m not—” He cuts off with a sharp breath. “I’m not ashamed of you.”

“I know, Jens,” Lucas says, shaking his head. “I know.”

“It’s just…” His eyes flick back and forth between Lucas’s, his mouth ajar as he seems to think his way through his thoughts and words. 

Lucas lifts a hand and wipes a tear from his cheek. 

“I’ve always had a secret,” Jens says after a second, quietly. Lucas listens. “For a little while, it was that I had a sister. I don’t know why,” he says adamantly. “I love her, with all my heart, it was just… how it was. And then it was the ballet. For years. And now they know about that, and I just…” 

“I understand, baby, I do,” Lucas whispers, leaning in and pressing his forehead to Jens’s, closing his eyes. 

“I don’t have anything,” Jens says, his voice breaking, and Lucas pulls back to look at him. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Like…” He stops, crying, and Lucas holds him. “I’ve always had a secret, I’ve always had something that was mine, that I…” He trails off, looking at Lucas, his eyes glassy and desperate, and Lucas nods, leaning in and kissing him gently. 

“I don’t have anything,” he says again.

“It’s okay, Jens,” Lucas whispers, ignoring the cars driving past, the sounds of voices from outside the studio, ignoring the rest of the world. He pulls him back into a hug, his arms around his neck, and carefully runs his hands through Jens’s hair, scratching his scalp and tugging his hair gently. 

Jens’s shoulders shake and he hides his face in Lucas’s neck again, against the warm skin of his neck (Lucas can feel the chill that’s beginning to set in on the tip of Jens’s nose and cheeks) and the fabric of his coat. Lucas sways him back and forth, squeezing his own eyes shut and trying not to cry, tightening his arms around him. 

When Jens’s shoulders stop shaking and his arms loosen around Lucas, the sky has darkened slightly. 

“They don’t know about this,” Lucas says softly. 

“Yes, they do,” Jens responds helplessly, lifting his head. His eyelashes are dark and clumped together like he’s wearing heavy mascara, and his cheeks are red. 

“No,” Lucas says, specifying, moving his hands to hold Jens’s face, his thumbs brushing under his eyes. “This right here. This moment. It’s ours.”

Jens’s face doesn’t change, and then—

“I love you.” 

Lucas smiles, pulling him in for a soft, slow kiss. 

“I love you too.”

---

The flat is empty when they get there, though Jens had been prepared just in case someone was home. 

“What do we say if Zoë or Senne is home?” Lucas had asked as they made their way to the flat, their hands linked between them. 

“The truth, I guess,” Jens had responded, shrugging. “Might as well.”

It’s also dark, and Lucas turns the lights on as Jens messages his mom. 

“She says I can spend the night as long as I go to school tomorrow.” 

“Promise to go to school tomorrow?” Lucas asks, raising his eyebrows as he takes Jens’s jacket and hangs it by the door. 

“I guess,” he sighs dramatically, and Lucas kisses him again, smiling. 

They lay in Lucas’s bed together, their legs tangled, facing each other, Lucas’s fingers brushing over the back of Jens’s hand between them. They leave the lights off, letting the small amount of light left in the sky and from the streetlamps come through the window. 

“I might come out to Zoë when she gets home,” Jens says, his voice soft, his eyes watching Lucas’s fingertips run over his knuckles and down his fingers. 

“She’s coming home really late tonight,” Lucas says. 

“Then maybe I’ll tell her in the morning. It would be hard to take the same route to school as her without telling her I’m here.”

Lucas chuckles quietly. 

“True.” He looks up at Jens, studying him, seeing the flicker of uncertainty flash across his face. “She’s going to be supportive. You know she is.” 

“I know,” Jens says, almost inaudibly. “I’m still nervous.”

Lucas laces his fingers with Jens’s, squeezing lightly. 

“I wish…” Jens sighs. “I wish I could just… not care about what anyone says. Or thinks.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Like…” He shifts, his legs untangling from Lucas’s and then one of them laying on top of him. “I wish I could be like you.” “What do you mean?” Lucas says, furrowing his brows in confusion. 

“I mean… You don’t care about what other people think and—” 

“That’s not true,” Lucas interrupts, and Jens’s eyes snap back to his. “I do care.” Jens doesn’t say anything, listening. 

“I care too much, honestly.” He sighs, looking at where their hands are joined, watching his own thumb run back and forth over the back of Jens’s hand. “I care so much that I just… pretend not to. And hope that eventually maybe the care will just go away.” 

“It doesn’t seem like you care,” Jens says. 

“Maybe it’s working, then.” 

Jens smiles softly. 

“I mean… I care about how people look at me, what they think about my clothes—” he looks down at his purple pants and makes a face— “and my makeup, about the kinds of things people say online about people like me. And it’s… scary, you know?” 

Jens nods. 

“So I pretend I don’t care. And I shouldn’t honestly, I mean, life is short. Too short to give a shit.”

Jens scoffs and kisses him, leaning in close. 

“Well for what it’s worth,” he says when he pulls back, “I think you’re amazing.”

Lucas stares at him, smiling slightly. 

“And funny,” he says, “And smart and creative. And clever and beautiful and talented.” 

“Stop…” Lucas says half-heartedly, looking away as he feels his face flush, and Jens lifts his hand, detaching it from Lucas’s and pushing a curl out of Lucas’s face before letting his palm press to his cheek.

“And,” he continues, smiling, “I would be perfectly happy to spend the rest of my life with you.” 

“Are you proposing to me right now?” Lucas asks, putting on a scandalized expression. 

“Yeah,” Jens says. “Come here, get up.” He lifts his hand from Lucas’s face and sits up, pushing himself up and standing at the end of the bed, and Lucas turns to watch him but doesn’t get up. 

“What are you doing?” he asks, laughing softly. 

“Come here.” Jens beckons with a jerk of his head and Lucas scoffs lightly, shaking his head as he joins him. 

“I don’t have a ring, but…” 

Before he can move, Lucas lifts his hand, showing him the gold ring around his ring finger, and Jens lets out an “Oh!” excitedly, waiting as Lucas carefully slides it off, dropping it into Jens’s outstretched hand. 

Jens kneels in front of him, and Lucas watches in disbelief, shaking his head again, smiling. 

“Lucas van der Heijden, love of my life—” Lucas interrupts him with a snort, but he can’t take his eyes off him— “will you marry me?” 

Lucas watches him, his smile softening, his eyes burning. 

“Someday?” Jens adds. “When we can actually legally get married because we’re still just in high school right now?” “Yeah,” Lucas says, the word just a short gasp, nodding. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he repeats, laughing, nodding again. 

“Oh, thank God.” 

Lucas laughs again, louder, and Jens carefully slides the ring back into place. 

When it’s on, Lucas grabs Jens’s face, leaning down and kissing him and Jens slowly stands, placing his hands on Lucas’s hips to pull himself up. Lucas smiles against his mouth, opening his lips and feeling Jens’s do the same. 

Jens’s hands slip around and grasp his legs when Lucas bites down on his lower lip, tilting his head to kiss him deeper. He pulls, lifting Lucas up, and Lucas wraps his legs around his hips as Jens turns and kneels on the bed, lowering Lucas onto his back as Lucas’s fingers bury themselves in Jens’s already messy hair, pulling when Jens’s tongue slides into his mouth. Jens hums, and Lucas feels it vibrate into his mouth. 

Lucas places his hands on Jens’s face, holding him in place and kissing him again after pulling back for a gasp. Jens’s cheeks squish under his hands, and the kiss lingers, both of then inhaling deeply as Jens slides his hands under Lucas’s shirt, pressing to his skin. His hands are gentle, a little cold against Lucas’s waist, and Lucas shivers, kissing him again. 

Jens’s hands move up more, sliding over Lucas’s chest and making the sweatshirt ride up, but Lucas pushes at his shoulder, detaching their lips with a breathless huff, pushing Jens over so Lucas can climb onto his lap, leaning down and kissing him, sliding over his exposed collarbones and neck before he straightens up again, reaching down and pulling his sweatshirt over his head. 

Jens’s eyes scan over his bare chest, his hands sliding over his waist, up, up, up, until he pulls at his neck, pulling him down and leaning up until their open mouths crash together. Lucas presses his fingers against his neck again, just under the sharp line of his jaw, and smiles when he feels Jens’s quick pulse on his fingertips.

He pulls away, his smile growing when he hears Jens let out a quiet whine, leaning up and trying to catch Lucas’s lips again as his hands travel down his sides, resting on his thighs, slipping over the thick, folded fabric at his hips and squeezing. 

Lucas pauses, biting his lip and looking down at Jens’s face, his eyes shut, mouth hanging open, looking wistful. Just as his eyes begin to open, foggy and dazed, Lucas leans back down, pressing a short kiss to his mouth before kissing his cheek, his jaw, down his neck, pausing to bite and suck gently. Butterflies blossom in his stomach when Jens hums, open-mouthed and breathy, and Lucas smiles, kissing up his neck until he finds his earring. 

He kisses around it for a second, listening closely as Jens’s breath catches in his throat, feeling Jen’s hands tighten on him.

Lucas bites it, gently pulling before letting go and lifting his head, looking down at him, smiling at Jens’s heavy breathing. 

“Fuck,” Jens says, letting go of his thighs before tightening his grip again. “I love how you do that.”

“I know,” Lucas says, giggling as Jens’s mouth curves into a lazy, slow smile. Jens shakes his head, the smile growing, and leans up, kissing him. He lets go of his thighs again and wraps his arms around Lucas’s waist, the fabric of his hoodie soft against his bare skin, rising until he’s sitting up straight. Lucas runs his hands through his hair, pulling until Jens lets out a soft moan. 

---

Lucas is almost asleep, but not quite. 

He knows Jens isn’t. He can feel him touching him, running his fingertips over his cheeks and lips, pushing back curls that fall in his face, pulling the blanket up over him. He isn’t cold, having put on Jens’s hoodie when he’d begun to shiver, but he does appreciate the extra warmth, and if he were slightly more awake than he is, he would smile. 

Instead, he sighs, nuzzling his face into his own arm, which is bent under his head, and Jens’s finger brushes lightly over his cheek. 

I love you.

The words echo in his head.

They only said it once, in the alley, in their alley. They didn’t need to say it after that. (They didn’t need to say it in the alley either if Lucas is honest. Everything they do says it. Every touch, every glance, every whisper and gasp.) 

Lucas hears the front door open, the sound of the slight creak and quiet click of it shutting muffled by the walls and Lucas’s bedroom door. He doesn’t move but feels Jens’s hand still on his face before it lifts, leaving his cheek cold. The bed moves as Jens gets up, and Lucas bends his knees, curling into himself. A part of him wants to look at Jens, but his eyes don’t open. 

The bedroom door opens and the room chills slightly. Jens must leave the door open because his voice is clear in the silent flat. 

“Hey,” he says, sounding tentative. 

“Jens!” Zoë’s voice says, quiet and friendly. , and there’s a quiet thump like she’s dropped her backpack. “What are you doing here?” 

“Uhm, I’m here with Lucas.” He sounds hesitant, careful. 

“Oh, I didn’t know you guys were friends.” Lucas can hear her smile in her voice. 

“Actually, we’re uh… we’re dating.” 

A pause. 

“Oh!” 

Another pause. 

“I didn’t know…” “Yeah, I haven’t— I haven’t told anyone.”

“Oh. Not… Robbe? I mean…” Jens laughs quietly. 

“No, I— I didn’t tell him, but uhm…” 

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” It’s quiet for a second. “I was thinking about telling Jana and them tomorrow.” “If you want to. We can walk together.” 

“Yeah.” 

It’s quiet before they both laugh quietly. 

“I’m assuming you’re the one that makes Lucas all smiley,” Zoë says, and Jens giggles again. 

“Maybe…” 

It’s quiet again, and Lucas smiles to himself. 

“I’m really happy for you, Jens,” Zoë says. 

“Thank you.” 

There’s a quiet rustle like they’re hugging, then quiet shuffling on the floor and a slight creak, and a few seconds later, Zoë’s voice says, “I’ll see you tomorrow,” whispering just outside his open door. 

The bed moves again, shifts under Jens’s weight, and the blanket lifts off of Lucas before lowering again, shutting out the short rush of cold air over him. (He appreciated the blanket a little more now.) He can feel Jens’s eyes on him and Jens’s fingertip traces his cheek and lines of his lips. 

Jens takes a short, quiet breath before, 

“I think it’s getting easier.” 

His voice is hushed, just a breath. 

And Lucas smiles again, turning his head slightly and pressing a lazy kiss to his hand. Jens moves closer, tossing the blanket up so it doesn’t get caught between them, and Lucas straightens his legs, letting Jens’s entwine with them, and Jens’s arm wraps around Lucas’s waist. Lucas feels Jens’s hair brush his chin and neck, and Jens presses his face to Lucas’s chest. 

Lucas finally starts to drift off, his arm resting over Jens. 

“I love you,” Jens breathes, and Lucas almost doesn’t hear it. 

But he does. 

He moves his hand, feeling up Jens’s back and neck until he finds his head, and then tangles his fingers in his hair, tugging lightly once. 

I love you, too.