#also sorry for constantly changing their skintones

[pewpop]

take them away from me

btw feel free to use my drawings as headers or pfp, just credit me and like tell me because it makes me very happy

edit: this post is blowing up and i didn't expect it so um... my commissions are open if you want to check them out...... ok bye

[satellite-sims]

Heya, it's time to present the final version of my beloved Antje. I worked on her since late 2019. It was the very beginning of my new era lol. I started writing Deep End where she have the support role and she should have look exactly the same as her real prototype. That's the goal. I had to admit - her face wasn't that easy to recreate. (Like Adrien's too). But i did my best to get even more resemblance by making a low-effort skinblend and it came out super gorgeous! I'm gonna show you results in the details. Pictures are slightly edited and taken with reshade.

Let's get started.

1. Portrait Zone

The first thing that triggered me in her face is her dark and "muddy" cheekbones. It was the skintone and the blush itself fault. Skintone have multiple colors on the face (some zones are yellow and some are pale & bluish) and it was disturbing to constantly remove this effect on portraits. Now this problem solved! Her face now have smooth colors with warm pink/peach undertones (which i usually remove to get the "porcelain" skin) and smooth cheekbone line. The other important part that may be not really visible is that her neck got shorter to fit the resemblance.

2. Face Proportions

When it gets to the skintone changing - sims may lose some details that makes them resembling. It does happened to Antje but it wasn't that terrible, because i blended some parts of her previous skin (Ephemera's Fresh) and the newest one (Simpicient's Tranquility) I blended eyelids, nose and lips to save the definition. I've added a cheekbone definition to make colors smoothly looking (makeup part not really worked with her) and it gave me an ability to make cheekbones a little lower which looks more accurate. Some little touches i've made: slightly reshaped the lips (they've got "sharper") and widener the jaw. I think i will do some changes in future, because chin and eyes are slightly off to me. Yeah, i'm the perfectionist, but anyway, i love how she comes out in general.

3. Clavicle & Cleavage Details

When i seeked some photos of Antje for references, i noticed that her clavicle and cleavage are not that subtle as my Antje. It's more soft and flat. Anyway, previous version looked unrealistic to me when i took the pics of her body in lingerie. Something was off to me. That's also the reason why i decided to experiment with skinblending. But in fact, i didn't changed the body. I just took original from Simpicient and i really liked how it looks on her. Textures are more realistic and details are smooth like Antje should have.

4. Belly & Spine

Honestly, i don't like how previous belly looked like. It's kind of dystrophic for a middle aged woman. It should be just flat in my view. And again a yellow tone looks a bit odd. Yeah, she still have ribs at the second pic but they're not that obvious now. And a neat button as bonus, lol. Spine is my favorite thing about Antje. She have unusual body shape for a woman - reversed triangle. It's always called "less feminine" and etc. but i found it very sexy. I really love how her spine looks like especially with wide shoulders.

5. Legs

It's the most boring part for me, lol, but they look fine in both variations. That's all. Second ones are just better textured as the whole skintone does. Knees are slightly controversial to me. Maybe, i will rework them later.

6. Misc Parts

These are the smallest improvements, but i decided to show like everything (except nude parts, sorry, but we're on tumblr).

That's all i wanted to show you. It's a little, but honest work :D I love the way Antje transformated just by changing a skintone. She became "older" and that's what i wanted to get. I wasn't sure that i have any luck with skinblending, because all my previous efforts were too bad. This one is a small but important step for developing my favorite character.

Thanks for reading ❤

[tunamayuuu]

May I know how to draw in your style because it looks so yummy (plus how do u draw dazai, fyodor and chuuya(bram to) ? I sturgle with them plus I draw on paper!!

this is a... tricky question to answer? i'm a hobbyist myself so i don't feel qualified to give you a tut when my process will change from time to time.

i also don't draw fyodor or chuuya very frequently so i'm sorry i can't provide tips on that.. i highly suggest looking into other artists who are more invested in fyodor and chuuya's characters (and their designs) and study how they do it! i may draw dazai frequently now, but i'm still exploring his character and have not stylized them to my best unlike the hunting dogs.

for dazai and fyodor artists i personally enjoy: n0cturnalcm, mothermakkar, nixnephili, c0riiander

for dazai and chuuya artists i personally enjoy: iwamimimimi, yebyyhfushi, frenchonionsoop

-

i highly recommend constantly observing art from artists you admire, because that's where you can really pinpoint what about them you want to emulate into your style. you can also invest in art books that teach you fundamentals, or do art studies of your favorite medias.

for example, i frequently read the demon slayer manga and anime because it's my own form of art study. but i also used to read the bsd manga and watch the anime just as frequently, to study the bones art style and harukawa's art style. most obvious influence it has on my style is that i love to differentiate eyes.

stylization requires studying the characters for me. for example: i draw tecchou with a tan skintone because i assume that he's out under the sun often, and we've seen that he works out practically anywhere, with or without his button down. same goes for kenji who has a background in farming.

little details like this come from character studies, and how i can add to them c:

-

TLDR: my process of art requires a mix of art studies and character/media studies, plus a loooot of love in character designs and how to transform them to something you find beautiful

[moonmoonsim]

bruh, ever since i saw your profile at patreon i've been in love in how your sims look so fucking good, what do you use to give the game that style? ty ❤

Hello! Thank you so much for the question)

Well, I think it's time to create a resource page. One day I"ll do it, I promise.

My Sim model has been with me since the day I created my first tattoo. but I constantly changed her appearance with the help of presets and sliders. Now she's perfect for me) I use both style - Maxis + Alpha

All screenshots were taken using GShade and the preset I use has not changed for 2 years rainy day by bloodymary (Sorry, I couldn’t find where you can download it)

NoGlo + NoBlu mods from LUUMIA

As for the Sim is unchanged

body presrt (4) | nose preset | eye preset | skintone | eye color | blush

all other presets and sliders i use are also from @obscurus-sims

Have a good day ☼

[moonfromearth]

200 Followers Celebratory CC Free Sim Dump!!

It's honestly so amazing to me that somehow I made it to 200 followers! You're all so sweet and I appreciate everyone that's taken the time to interact with my posts and I promise I have new stuff in the works that'll be released soon 😉

So, I did this poll to see what everyone would want and it was so fun to hear from so many people thank you everyone who voted! Sim dump was the clear winner!!

Anyway, included are eight cc free young adult sims! They all have set skills and careers because I think it's fun but you can do whatever you want with them as long as you don't change skintones (bonus information about each below the cut as a "guide" because I like coming up with their characters)! I also had too much fun picking out likes and dislikes so... There are a lot 😬

P.S. If in the library it shows up as having cc I swear there isn't any I don't know why my game likes to mark it as having cc even when there isn't I'm sorry for any confusion.

Feel free to tag me if you ever use them and I hope you enjoy!! 😁😁

Download Link [Google Drive]

[Sim info below cut!!]

Parker Daley - Friend of the World, Erratic, Creative, Vegetarian - Bubbly and eccentric Parker is the life of any party! A fashion designer who loves anything "stylish" (which is just anything she likes, pretty much). Parker is completely unpredictable which makes her an interesting companion. A city girl all the way.

Lilah Dumas - Computer Whiz, Cheerful, Geek, Lazy Lilah is a very "you only live once" kind of person. She doesn't spend too much time dwelling on just about anything, and will drop whatever doesn't bring her joy in a heartbeat. As such she was determined to make one of her hobbies into a career, and amassed a decent following for herself as a streamer.

Raj Pandey - Fabulously Wealthy, Perfectionist, Mean, Self-Assured Raj grew up always knowing he'd join the family business, and the atmosphere of wealth and status, as well as the most expensive education obtainable, has turned him into a stuck up character. He appreciates a well crafted insult. In fact, he's not averse to the occasional argument debate (as long as he wins). Despite these traits he's managed to get himself adopted into a group of friends who, though often annoy him, have become an important part of his life.

Sonny Oswald - Friend of the Animals, Socially Awkward, Animal Enthusiast, Neat Sonny is a sweetheart and I love him. Awkward and shy, he's more comfortable around farm animals and plants than he is around people. Only is closest friends get to see how kind and fun he can be. One day he'll move out to the countryside and start is own farm, but for now he's working his way through the gardening career (baby steps, right?).

Lucas Esparza - Nerd Brain, Noncommittal, Bookworm, Adventurous Lucas's two goals in life are to gain infinite amounts of knowledge for himself and leave a trail of broken hearts as he travels the world to get said knowledge. That makes it sound like he's a horrible person which is because... Well he is, but who doesn't need a villain in their game? I'm sure he has his good qualities, however, I honestly love him for being the absolute handful he is.

Keira McDaniel - Painter Extraordinaire, Gloomy, Maker, Music Lover A bit of a "tortured artist" character who enjoys spending hours painting/crafting in her studio with music playing constantly, blocking out the rest of the world. Keira is very sensitive, and feels the emotional weight of everything around her very intensely, channeling it into her art.

Joslyn Lancaster - Country Caretaker, Loves the Outdoors, Athletic, Glutton Joslyn is a very meat and potatoes kind of gal. She lives for the simple things in life, working the ranch, riding horses, and a good meal. It's never occurred to her that there might be more to life, and the world, outside of the ranch, because what more could she need?

Gabrielle "Gabby" Moran - Leader of the Pack, Insider, Snob, Cat Lover Gabby is a fine and polished young woman, growing up in a life of luxury, and the champion English rider in town. She's very aware that she is the best at something, and it's boosted her confidence (*cough* ego) to astronomic levels. Quite the gossip, she loves to be out with friends, gossiping about the latest scandal, but when not there she's tending to her horse and preparing for her next competition. Despite the facade of the popular mean girl she puts up, Gabby cares very deeply about horses and her career, and takes it very seriously. She also loves spending time with the barn cats when they're around.

[stateswscarlet]

Hey scarlet so my question is I wanna imagine but when I I to bed at night I just can never imagine

I wanna manifest my desired skintone and appearance overall but I cannot imagine at night

Like I can visualize perfectly and feel emotions too

But at night I just cannot seem to do it either I get bored or fall asleep

Also I past I used to not look nice and I hate to look at pictures of myself

Pretty sure I can revise this situation by manifesting I've always looked pretty and all my pictures chnage to my desired appearance but how can I imagine this?

I really wanna change my past photos and others memories of what i looked like and also change how I look like now but idk what to do I have been procrastinating for years now idk what to do with myself anymore

Omg dont worry at all! You don’t need to worry about falling asleep don’t stress yourself out!!

Please dont worry about revising please just focus on what you want to be IN IMAGINATION (secure, confident, etc) because even if you changed the past (which I don’t recommend bc the past doesn’t exist) it doesn’t guarantee you feeling better!

Im sorry but I cant force you to do anything! you either have it or you dont! you either give it to yourself or are constantly waiting. your choice baby

[arcadejohn127-9]

White people like you can be so entitled sometimes. Smh. Why do y'all have to change a characters race and turn they into something there not? Your race shapes your experiences, and your experiences shape most things about you. To to replace a characters race, is changing them. Just admit you have white entitlement and educate yourself. It isn't hard to not be racist. - A WOC who grew up in Texas.

Whilst I'm aware I am not free from internalised entitlement as I grew up with unknown privileges as a white person - I would like to clarify, I do infact educate myself if not Almost daily about perspectives and history. My fyp constantly having non white creators who are willing to educate people in topics I wouldn't think about actively.

I am very grateful to those creator's as it is not anyone's duty to educate the uneducated.

Whilst I can see why you are upset - I would of rather this been a DM discussion so I could actually ask you questions. Was something I said phrased poorly, What can I do better, ect.

But the obey me chatacters don't infact have canon races - canon skintones that are deemed flexible by different artists but canon skin tone in their sprites and most cards being consistent. There is no confirmation from the Devs that the chatacters are a certain race

So that is why I haven't really seen my HC erasure as there is nothing I'm replacing. So I had an HC of their race - making them lighter is just racist and taking away darker skin tones that are already hard to come by in media.

And from what I know; none of the darker characters have experienced racism in the game or anything that would shape them as a person due to their race. Being a demon or an angel has effected their up bringing but from how far I am in story, reading the devilgrams, reading the wiki's and keeping updated from players who've further progressed - this is no racism towards these characters in their universe.

Perhaps that's where my ignorance lies, in that mentality - I would love to be educated as it's never my intention to be disrepectful or insensitive. I still have so much learn and I cannot deny there is a possibility where I'm not seeing the full picture due to my upbringing.

I listen to non white voices and see what they do. When they make all the obey me boys black or turn an anime character blasian. I see that people who aren't white show that this thing is okay and I look into it - people saying it's fine. Just be mindful you're not going into sterotypes, have fun with what you see and think of these characters.

So I also go "wow! I really like these chatacters, I have a headcanon they would be from this community and I like the idea of giving them POC features to match."

Because I also have headcanon races for white characters - are they European white or American white - russian white, ect.

I gave Solomon tanner skin as from the original text outside of the game was that he was middle Eastern or atleast from the middle East. So I gave him tanner skin to reflect that.

I headcanon Simeon as Indian, I didn't really change much other than make him somewhat darker as I dislike the grey tones the artist use for darker characters. Mammon, the biggest change when it comes to tone as he came out alot darker than expected but I didn't really see an issue in that as I thought it would make sense as I see him as a black Indian.

Again, if I am please, I am grateful for people to point it out and educate me. Some things aren't easy to answer with just a Google search and Google is unreliable - someone who actually experiences racism voices is more reliable than an anonymous search engine.

I'm sorry if phrasing is strange or rambly. It's currently 3 am and I do struggle with putting what I think into words especially in serious discussions. I'm also bad with tone so I hope my words haven't come across as disrespectful

[2ofswords]

i think if ur white u should step back about calling it racism. comparing the plight of POC to a magical group of (white) people with inhuman members isn't appropriate. consider changing ur wording to prejudice or bigotry? as a POC its uncomfortable to see ppl say something is racism towards anything non-human, considering POC are constantly compared to animals. plus the mysticism of the kin isnt good to compare to POC either (our cultures are constantly mysticized already)

I am very sorry anon, and definitely didn’t mean to compare POC to anything non-human! 

I will be honest, I didn’t consider the kin as white, since they are established as an indigenous group and from what I gathered modeled after the Buryats, which are indigenous in parts of Russia. The human NPC models of the Kin also have darker skintones in contrast to the white townsfolk, though a lot of the major ones are white-passing. They get discussed like that in the fandom and by POC too and while this obviously isn’t a good argument in itself, it was the reason why I assumed that they are not white. I didn’t mean to imply that the reason was that part of the Kin are non-human and I totally agree that non-human characters should not be aligned with POC! I just assumed that the human part of the Kin and the group in itself was considered an indigenous group with asian features and a non-western culture suffering under colonization of white townsfolk and that it was therefore racism that is applied against them.

Though I totally agree that in the context of non human characters, this is not okay and I actually heavily dislike the animal-comparison of the kin in game because I do not consider them white. So yeah, that is discomforting. I have to say, since I did gather it as prejudice against an specifically not-white group and not against a magical/mystical one, I would still consider it racism, but I will definitely look into it and since I completely agree with your argument itself, I will definitely change it, if my assumption is wrong. I didn’t reflect on the implication of making a group of POC explicitly mystical and how to approach it. 

Thank you for bringing this to my attention!

[cocoaswatches]

Sorry, I Ain't Sorry - The Problem With Constantly Asking Us to Give Brands A Pass

"Be patient," they said. 

"They will probably release more shades soon." they said.

"Give them a chance," they said. 

"Stop complaining, it's just makeup." they said. 

Do any of these phrases sounds familiar? 

Whether you are a beauty lover who loves getting updates on every single release and collab or you are simply someone who wants their foundation to match their neck, engaging in the makeup world can be jarring, especially if you have deeper skin. More often than not, brands release complexion products that do not cater to skintones of the brown/cocoa/coffee/bronze persuasion. They promote beauty campaigns where the darkest person resembles some shade of light tan, at best.

Let's just take a look at a couple of the complexion products released in the last few months. 

YSL Just released their new All Hours Foundation that includes all of two brown shades, out of a total of 22. 

The Balm released a new whipped foundation formula and thought it would be a good idea to name their only deep shade "After Dark."🙃

Even MAC, one of my all time favorite brands, created lipsticks with makeup influencers and not one was a person with a deeper skintone.🤦🏾‍♀️ 

What many need to realize is this. Just because something has been pointed out to you in the moment, doesn't mean it's the first occurrence. And, more importantly, creating darker shades is not "more difficult" and it "doesn't cost more money," --  lack of deeper shades is directly rooted in a history of anti-blackness that has allowed light skin to become the standard in beauty. In order to break barrier and create change, we first must acknowledge that there is a problem.

While I can understand that those with super light, porcelain-like skin may also have a hard time finding complexion products, its important to acknowledge our struggles are not the same, and consequently should not be lumped together.

Because, it's not just the fact that brands often don't make foundations, or concealers in shades for us. It's the fact that we aren't included in their campaigns or invited on their trips. It's the fact that lipstick named "Flesh" in their latest collection is a pale pink. It's the fact that the few deeper shades they might carry are ashy and gray. These are all common occurrences and have been happening for decades. 

So asking any person of a deeper complexion to "wait," or "be patient," is unacceptable. We all have the autonomy of choosing which brands we will and will not patronize. Constantly asking us to "give brands a chance," when they are clearly not here for us, just ain't the wave. We don't have to do anything for those who have constantly left us out of the conversation. 

Now I will say, many of our favorite brands that have expanded their shade ranges in the last couple of years (whether because its trendy/profitable or because its the right thing to do, we will never know), and there's nothing wrong with being excited about that. Things DO have to change somehow. Even NARS released new shades of their ever popular Radiant Creamy Concealer and we were all jumping for joy.

In the past month alone: our favorite makeup aunty, Jackie Aina has been tapped to help Too Faced to create deeper shades in their Born This Way foundation line, Maybelline's first EVER makeup collab is with our fave beauty slay-er, Makeup Shayla, and CoverGirl just announced they will be creating a collection with colour extraordinaire PrincessBellaaa. This is all AMAZING news and is indicative that the makeup industry is changing for the better. These black women are paving the way for a more inclusive makeup world and it's beautiful to see. 

Consequently, it's even more of a reason to continue to speak up and be critical: if you are trying to release products in 2017 that exclude those of us with deeper complexions, we reserve the right to cancel the brand..with no apology or explanation. And we'd appreciate it if you'd stop expecting us to do so. 

This is not being "negative," or "throwing shade," its just keeping it real. 

[tumblunni]

I had some sudden more ideas for npcs in the monster petshop game, and a bit of worldbuilding and stuff!

I was just consideringwhether maybe this should be a fantasy setting with different non-human races, or one that’s just all humans. I dunno, games with catchable monsters seem to ALWAYS be just humans, that’s weird now I think about it! I guess its so the line between sentient magical beings and the pet ones isn’t blurred, but in my petshop idea the monster pets can all talk anyway so that’s not an issue. Tho I dunno if it’ll be to the same degree as in the Monster Rancher anime where monsters are all so similar to humans that they can live their own entirely separate lives without a human partner, and like.. start shops and hold property and stuff. Seriously that worldbuilding is so surreal and cool, you get to see stuff like a giant golem running a little metalwork jewelry store in the background of a crowd scene. I wanna see the story of that guy! Tho it gets a bit confusing cos some monsters can’t talk, and some monsters seem to have more petlike intelligence, and those two things don’t often coincide. I still cry forever about that episode with the guy who abused his giant worm monster, and how with its design and how it doesnt talk you’d probably assume its a mindless evil monster but its actually just a quiet sad good guy and like.. how its full sentience level is revealed by it choosing to refuse an offer from the bad guys to join them, and dying trying to save the life of its abusive trainer. And how it actually does succeed in making him realise how wrong he was to treat it like an animal, and to treat animals like mindless toys! And how he breaks down crying and then how he cradles the lil baby worm and promises to do better this time, and then how his original worm comes back to life way WAY at the end of the series and I CRY FOREVERRRR ... Anyway, sorry, where was I before I got distracted?

OH YEAH! Fantasy races! Which really should be called species, but I guess it stuck cos they’re often used as metaphors/replacements for actual racial diversity, especially in traditional fantasy. IM GETTING DISTRACTED AGAIN!!! So yeah that thought led me to an idea for a particular fantasy “race” I could add. But then it somehow developed into... I dislike designing overly humanlike fantasy races, like seriously what is the point of even bothering if they look identical to humans except short or with weird ears? So I thought.. what if this “race” is actually a disease instead?

MORE LONG THOUGHTS BELOW THE CUT!

So, I was thinking they could look like just normal humans but with a greyish skin colour, odd coloured eyes, and some sort of flower growing on their head. They’d be like ‘flower spirits’ but in kind of a negative way? They look like humans because this is a sort of magical genetic condition that turns humans into this. Though they still get predjudice because people are afraid of ‘catching’ a disease that isn’t actually contagious through touch or anything, but people are happy being ignorant fucks and excluding them from society ‘just in case’ their paranoia comes true.

But anyway! The details! At any moment an inherited carrier could manifest symptoms, and rather literally manifest a glowing flower from their forehead. It grants you enhanced magical powers, but at the cost of your life being tied to that magic. The flower is like if your soul has been forcibly pulled outside your body in a very fragile form! You have to tend to it like a normal flower, and you also have to sorta feed it by doing enough magic or absorbing the energy from magical objects. (So these guys’s magical power is to negate other magics.) If left untreated it will eventually be fatal, and if the flower wilts it’ll also kill you even faster. If you fail to take care of it, it drains energy from your soul instead, which leads to the grey skintone and general weak health. But even if you keep the flower alive it’ll eventually grow too big and you’ll be unable to drain enough magic to keep up with its energy consumption. By the time the story begins, medical technology has actually advanced enough to find life extending treatments for this, even if we don’t have a complete cure. You can’t get rid of the flower but you can take medicines to slow it’s growth. I mean, really the problem is just that this thing outpaces its host, its a really impractical parasite! It ends up killing itself by getting too greedy! (Which makes me think probably the predjudiced slurs around these people would be like... ‘you got that disease cos of your greed/sin/etc’. Even though its just genetic.) And then I think the final breakthrough to save people from this disease wouldnt really be a perfect cure, just to regress it to a budlike inactive state. You’ll always be physically marked as a victim of this disease, and you’ll always have the ‘demonic’ magic-draining powers. And it’ll probably be a long time before people stop treating the sufferers like shit, even after this...

So umm.. yeah. Its kinda gonna be like an analogy for the horrible HORRIBLE way the AIDS outbreak was handled by the government, and how it happened because the victims were ‘undesireables’. And how in this post-outbreak world the whole thing��s practically been covered up, lessened, forgotten. And people still deny it, and still treat gay people like shit, and its taken so damn long to make all this progress and just... gahhhh... How pretty much every LGBTQ person who’s that old lost a dozen friends, how people got so desperate they used to hold ‘die-ins’- protesting by literally saying ‘leave me here on the doorstep’ when they were about to die. Make the politicians see exactly what they’ve done! And similarly the massive MASSIVE quilt full of patches commemorating everyone who died. God... And seriously just HOW LITTLE EDUCATION there is on this subject! Even amoungst modern LGBTQ communities! How eager we are to sweep things under the rug, even if its LITERALLY a rug made of dead queer folk! *sigh* umm.. sorry for the heavy subject matter there.

So yeah, this would be a ‘race’ in this setting, or rather a minority group, but in fantasy terms its a ‘race’ but.. whatever. Dumb language rules! Very small community of flower disease folks, treated like demi-humans. And this leads to a bunch of new ideas for npcs that could deliver this plotline! Of course, the main one would be an actual member of the flower disease folks.

I’m imagining her as just an absolute sweetheart shy gentle giant sort of lady. She’s introduced being this terrifying presence walking into the town, your protagonist being the only one who doesnt understand why everyone else is being all hushed whispers and closing all their shops. Since you come from a sheltered rich kid background, you’re very out of touch with common issues and had no clue this disease even exists. (Even though rich folks are the ones who had the power to help them, are the ones who refused, are the ones who spread the propeganda and then tried to cover up all their own failures...) So you’re the only one who treats this seemingly terrifying vagrant as a normal person, even though it’s (initially) just because you didn’t know the situation. Because of this, she ends up seeing you as a friend and coming back again. And then its up to the player whether you fall for all the predjudice and decide to cut all ties with her from here on, or whether you continue to stand up for her rights and try and change the way society treats her.

ANYWAY, her personality once she opens up to you would be the total opposite of her imposing appearance. She’s a chronic sufferer of self-hate issues, who’s been living completely alone in the forest for a long time, after being kicked out by her family and having no-one to turn to. I’m thinking she constantly speaks like... shy equivelant of Fuujin from FF8? One word sentences, but whispered instead of yelled. And like.. “.......ah..............s-....sorry........?” *questioning inflection of silence* “......uhhm........?” *unfurls hand hesitantly from under cloak and points at loaf of bread* *counts out coins meticulously, making sure to spread her hands and show she’s wearing gloves, she’s keeping them in a pouch, she hasn’t touched them* *places them on the very edge of the counter and backs away slowly, assuming you’re thinking the worst of her* *won’t take the bread directly from your hands, just in case* *struggling to speak again* “... th-.... ah-...... t-thank....... you.....” *mumbles her way out of the store quickly and awkwardly* This is kinda how she’s had to deal with buying supplies from EVERYONE EVERYWHERE. This tends to happen with like the one store in town that’ll take pity and throw her some food, at a greatly inflated price. She’s just had to like.. keep trying. Wear them down. If she keeps coming to a town repeatedly they’ll eventually get frustrated enough to give her what she wants.... or they’ll call the sheriff to chase her off. Either way she finally gets a yes or no answer on that place, and can tick it off on her cross country map of spots to find actual supplies. So she like.. CAN NOT function in a regular shop environment anymore. Probably the first hint that she isn’t really scary is how she’d totally freak out at you treating her normally! She’d be TERRIFIED!! There’s no way she’d actually agree to talking normally, she’d adamantly refuse to taking anything for free, seriously WHAT IS YOUR DEAL, ARE YOU A DEMON??? *sobs into the complimentary bread* It’d be a few visits before she actually opens up to you, and even then she’s very monosyllabic. She literally hasnt talked to anyone for years, she’s become so hardened to loneliness and cruel treatment that she can’t remember how to react to kind people anymore. And her voice is so hoarse both from this and from.. well.. the disease. She hasn’t even had the minimal treatment that’s available nowadays... for the rich, at least. So along with her sidequest being to help everyone understand her, you’re also searching for a doctor who’d treat her, and trying to save up the ridiculous amounts of money it would take. Its far easier if you succeed at destroying enough of the town’s ignorance, and make at least a few friendship links between her and your other sidequest pals. You can start having a town-wide fundraiser to get her the lifesaving medicine! Tho probably that leads to its own sidequest of having to track her down after she runs away, worried that she doesn’t deserve it and she’s just gonna cause more problems for her new friends. NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Anyway, the general structure of her as a customer is that she kinda accepts ANYTHING, and doesn’t have much money to do it with. She’s very lonely, and only built up the courage to come to this town on that first day because she heard about your petshop that sells to lower class citizens, and the idea of getting her own monster friend was like a ray of hope in her life! If you decide not to chase her away from the town, she settles in the nearby forest where all the stray monsters live, and becomes like the scary local cryptid. “I totally saw an eight foot tall woman feeding the crows!!! What the fuck!!!” She has a problem with sacrificing herself to protect all these wild animals, they’re just SO BEAUTIFUL and MAKE LIFE WORTH LIVING!! She’s always going hungry cos she gives all her food to them, and then they start to love her in return and she gets a veritable army of feral pals that’ll defend her from anyone who tries to burn her tent down again. So she starts off desperately trying to buy a monster from you, any monster, and then after she gets her first one she starts befriending the forest monsters with its help, and becomes your biggest customer of monster supplies instead. She wants to give all these wild babies the closest life to a normal pet as possible! But she also still will buy literally any monster from you, ever, anytime. Doesn’t matter that she already has fifty, she can always take care of more! Though you do get better results if you give her ones high in defense stats and etc, cos its tough to live out there in the forest, even if your trainer is going hungry to ensure you get the best snacks. Oh, and she’d probably be ABSOLUTELY OVER THE MOON if you could sell her a monster that also has flowers or flower patterns. (Tho i think protagonist would be worried it would be insensitive, but she actually does like them cos they make her feel less lonely) She’s also an incentive to help out with your cookery crafting skills! Cos initially she’s having trouble being able to access any of the other shops in the town, she’ll just buy whatever spare food you have lying around. Even your absolute worst failed dishes are like heaven to her! So you can get more exp from cooking and also make a profit from it, thus helping you get better at crafting fancy dishes for your sweet monster pals. (And your strange tall pal!) Oh, and it’d probably also be an element that people in the town try and ‘politely’ advise you that you shouldn’t sell to her ‘for your own safety’. Because of the flower people’s magic draining powers, there’s the very real worry that one of them could be buying monsters from your store just to drain them dry and slow down their own death. But it sucks to assume the worst of her before you even know her, and honestly even if someone was doing that it’s dishonest to frame them as evil and predatory when seriously they are only committing a crime TO SLOW DOWN THEIR OWN DEATH! I bet that would be the most terrifying depressing situation for them, having to kill a small animal cos you’re having an attack of your symptoms and you just desperately don’t want to die...

And now on to the other supporting npcs I thought could be useful to this plot!

I thought of maybe there being bakers cos... well, the first scene I thought of while planning her personality was her trying to buy a loaf of bread. SIMPLE BRAIN PATHS! WOO! But somehow these bakers ended up gaining a way bigger plot role than I intended O_O I’m imagining them as some sort of Super Duo, just cos this plot idea requires one who starts off sympathetic to flower lady and a boss that provides an obstacle in this. I’m thinking maybe the good guy baker sneaks bread out to flower lady, and their greedy boss is all like ‘no! There are laws in place! Food waste must be destroyed! No giving to the homeless!’ (THIS IS AN ACTUAL THING THAT EXISTS. Almost every major fast food company does it! You can get arrested for stealing food from the bins, or for being an employee who tries to give the food to someone, even if it’s excess food that would just be binned anyway.) But then I ended up humanizing the grumpy boss instead of having them JUST be an enemy. I started imagining this as a family business, and the grumpy boss is their grandma? And then i thought maybe that would be a good vehicle to deliver the backstory worldbuilding about this disease, and now I am REALLY SAD about this grumpy grandma! I was thinking maybe she’s actually someone who lost a lot of friends in the initial outbreak of flower syndrome, and used to protest against it, and became all bitter and depressed after what happened, which is why she’s such a cynical mess nowadays. I think maybe the plot would work better if its like.. the grandkid baker just THINKS that grandma would object to serving a flower disease customer, and then when grandma actually sees who’s been ‘stealing’ her profits, she breaks down crying. Nobody in her family even knew she was so close to the tragedy, she’s been keeping it secret cos even though she isn’t infected she could still be ostracized for being part of that community and all. I’m thinking its gonna just be a very direct analogue, I’m gonna say that LGBTQ people were demonized as the ‘cause’ of this disease back when it was poorly understood. ‘Its caused by greed and sin’ = people pick whichever subjective ‘sin’ they wanna blame... So grandma shows you all her quilt that she’s been keeping secret, full of patches commemorating everyone she knew who died, and tells you about how the tragedy went down and how she got her start as such a cold and untrusting person out of the fear of ever loving anyone again in case she lost them. And everyone gets to have ALL OF THE HUGS, even though hugs can’t erase what happened :( But finding a family that can support her can help flower lady right now, grandma is determined to find a way to save this one person and make up for everyone she couldn’t save! They help you on your quest to track down a doctor, and they give flower lady a place to stay as part of their family, no matter what anyone thinks! And then i think maybe after flower lady manages to get her medicine, grandma actually leaves on a journey with the doctor, to learn how to become a doctor too. She was in medical training when she was younger, before she had to drop out of education due to all that happened. And she just ended up inheriting the family bakery, even though she personally sucks at baking and hates it. (Which is why employee/grandson does all the work and stuff) So now she sees this as a chance to redeem herself, you help convince her that its not too late! She’s gonna use however many years she has left to help people! if she has to be cursed with outliving everyone, she’ll use this long life to make a difference! So its sad cos grandma has to leave on her journey, but grandson takes over the shop and flower lady is employed as an assistant. And they keep in touch with grandma in the mail. (You can sell them a good carrier pigeon monster to help!)

Another npc there could be is... another greedy guy!! I started thinking him up cos i was just wondering about who could be a friend to the grandma. I mean, the npcs have to have relationships and rivalries between each other, its not like the protagonist is the only one who matters, lol This idea i have is (for some reason) someone who looks like a younger AZ from pokemon, wearing a cowboy hat. Kinda? He’s a travelling merchant and ssssssort of the same greedy archetype as grumpy grandpa, but sort of not? He’s an even more huge penny pincher than her, but he doesn’t seem to have his heart in it. He’s constantly desperately wringing any potential money out of anything, overcharging as much as he possibly can, getting himself hurt doing silly get rich schemes. But then he’s not really a jerk about it. He’s very friendly and cares about his customers, unable to actually scam them even as he announces his intentions to do it. He’s constantly betrayed by his own kindness, and ends up giving away free stuff to anyone who has a sob story! He also never seems to actually really spend his money on himself, its not like he actually has any of the luxury he’s always rambling about. I mean, he does indeed seem to have a genuine greed and a few lofty dreams, but then he just puts all his profits in his savings no matter how much it hurts him to do it. *crying over a fancy hat as he dumps his purse in the Swear Jar*

So anyway, his connection to this plot about the flower disease is that his Secret Reason For The Greedy is only revealed if you befriend both him and the flower lady. After you progress the story enough to get her first Happy Ending of getting adopted by the baker family, her second Happy Ending of finally getting the medicine, and her third Happy Ending of becoming the new assistant baker after grandma moves away, the plot still stubbornly continues because really no ending is an ending, yknow? I’m thinking this sort of formula could work really well with a game that has no real overall plot, and is more of just a slice of life theoretically endless thing. When you’re playing Monster Rancher there’s never really any huge changes in the town you still always have the same shopkeepers and nobody even ages. And even though Animal Crossing has villagers moving in and out, its also kinda the same, there’s never any real character development or shifting of the status quo. So I’m thinking having changing generations of the town and continuity between them could be a good way to keep stuff engaging even as you keep playing the same sort of gameplay forever. Maybe some people move away, maybe some people move in, maybe some people get married or have kids, who knows!

So yeah, after the status quo change of the baker grandma moving away and flower lady leaving her homelessness tent to become a full time resident, thats’s when this new sidequest starts. Stuff still isnt instantly perfect for her, she’s still facing predjudice from some people, especially now she’s in a rather public position as an employee. All the controversy over having her work with food, even though SERIOUSLY, DUDE, you can’t catch it from just touching someone who has it! I think she’d feel absolutely terrible, she’d be worried that she’s causing her benefactors to lose business because she’s here. And she’d also have just normal social anxiety adjusting to doing her first job ever, and having to do so much talking. She was homeless since she was very young, she even has trouble with complex mathematics cos she never finished school. Another reason merchant guy could be a good friend of the family, he could help tutor her on this stuff! And general shopkeeping techniques, cos both her and grandson are both super good guy pushovers and all. (”Don’t worry, I’m a wimp too, and even I can manage to be greedy with these five simple steps! ....that’ll be 50 dollars.”) But the main plot for him and flower lady is how he finally reveals his secret reason for being so greedy. One day he just comes along leading a little girl by his hand, and lifts her up so she can see the lady at the bakery counter. “Daddy, she’s got flowers like me!!” He’s been sending all of his profits home to pay for his kid’s medical bills, and he finally decided to let you know once he met someone else with the same condition. He’s been keeping it a secret because people hate flower sufferers so much, and he desperately needs to keep up the trade route with this town otherwise he can’t afford to look after her. he’s so damn relieved to be able to stop lying to you, and to finally introduce his lil bundle of joy! And to let her see someone else with the same condition, for the first time in her life! And then the lil girl could become friends with tall flower lady, and be all like ‘you look so pretty!’ which is something nobody’s ever said to her since she got sick, and just... HEARTWARMING TIME And it could help flower lady keep hope even though predjudice hasnt completely stopped in the world. At least now she’s found some good people, and she can see that her bravery in working at this job is inspiring young sufferers to feel that their life isnt completely over. So they all send off another letter to grandma together, and have a nice family dinner with this other family, and with yours too. :3 (...also, merchant guy apologizes for lying to his close friend grandma for so long, and they laugh at how they both had so much in common and never found out until now! And she is HELLA EXCITED to meet his daughter when she comes back ^_^)

[bellafadiploma]

general visual/artistic inspiration

Rotten Ralph by Jack Gantos

points I like

-colours are carefully considered and not at all realistic, green and purple for example, are not colours one would usually paint an entire room. So, here, it creates a feeling of being in a very dreamlike state. A universe we simply do not exist in.

- attention to detail and how it effects the storytelling. Gantos’ work has an incredible amount of detail that tell us about the word we are experiencing.For example, in the second image, we can see the cereal box is labelled ‘gritty cereal’. This tells us that maybe the characters are strugglung in some way or another, and their ‘gritty cereal’ and ‘not chocolate’ are simply metaphors for how things are going. Over on the left of the same image, there are a host of tiny animals. not for any reason, but just because they live in the house too, and have their own lives and stories.

- The line quality is very wobbly and imperfect. I really like this because it simply reinforces that indistinct, hazy feeling of being in a dream or being lost in your imagination. If these images could move, I would certainly imagine every line to be ‘boiling’ which is a style of animation in which the lines are constantly changing. (Will discuss more in upcoming process posts)

Maisy Mouse by Lucy Cousins

Points I like

- Similarly to Jack Gantos’ work, the lines in Cousin’s work also appear to be ‘boiling’. The imperfectness and constantly changing thickness of each line gives the illustrations vivacity and joy. Again, appearing very childlike because of how inconsistent they are.

- The perspective is interesting. Not necesarilly something I would utilise in my own project this time round, but I like how rigid the 2D format Cousins uses here is. It very much creates this feeling of paper cut out (and again, sorry to mention it again, but it really does give a childish energy, as children are not likely to understand perspective and draw everything very 2D).

- The colours are bright and garish and clashing. However they are so lovely and warm. They appear so inviting because of how joyful they are. There is no attempt to change colours to imply different times of day, or lightings, keeping things very simple. It again creates this strange sensation, in which it is always daytime for Maisy Mouse, which is almost slightly unnerving.

Victoria Vewn

A very modern artist, younger than myself, is Vewn. She animates using flash like me, whilst using hand painted backgrounds. 

points I like

- Colour. Her use of colour is just astounding. She manages to pick very strange skintones, ranging from all sides of the colour spectrum, yet somehow it always just works. She cleverly pairs colours together to create a scheme to suggest different settings and lighting situations, in complete contrast to Lucy Cousin’s work above. Utilising purple and orange/yellow at night cleverly hints at that strange neon orange of streetlamps at night. I think I will certainly try to use this style of colouring to suggest different lighting conditions through my piece.

- Form/Shape. She uses very interesting and abstract shapes to create humanoids, for example, in the image above, the man in the middle’s head is basically non existant, let alone having eyes, suggesting that either the character is either very unimportant, or possibly implying that the character is stupid. Examples of this can be seen throughout her work, stretching limbs in impossible ways, impossibly shaped faces.

- AGAIN, ‘boiling’ lines. Vewn genuinely utilises ‘boiling’ in her work. It adds to the naive style of her art, creating this very chaotic and fast paced feeling throughout her films. Everything is constantly moving, constantly bustling past each other. I adore this and think it is incredibly effective in her work.

From looking at these artists, there is recurrent qualities throughout all of them. Very bright warm colours, ‘boiling’ lines, and interesting use of perspective. These are all qualities that I want to bring into my work.

[tumblunni]

Random rambley development for unnamed zombie-fighting super mum simulator! Today’s thoughts- rules and regulations for how the zombies work in this setting.

* On the sliding scale of zombie origins, these ones are far more supernatural than scientific. They’re not really limited by the more strict rules of movie zombies, and judging them by human standards would be a mistake! After all, the mere fact that the dead are alive is already outside the realms of possibility, I don’t understand why ‘scientific’ zombies in fiction are defined by limitation like this. No matter how ‘scientific’ it is, the basic premis is inherantly supernatural! Making it ‘scientific’ should just be like... a genre decision. A way to add verisimilitude if you want a more real life or sci fi setting. It shouldn’t be an excuse to tone down zombies and complain that stuff shouldn’t be possible, because zombies aren’t goddamn possible :P But like.. making people BELIEVE they’re possible is why ‘scientific’ zombie thrillers are good! Making it excessively similar to real life just harms that, it gets people nitpicking details instead of being scared. It gets people closer to the biggest scientific realism- the fact that zombies will never exist. But yeah anyway, my goal isn’t to make people believe zombies are potentially possible, I’m going more for the sadness, character development and philosophy genre of zombie story rather than the pure scary genre.

* Sorry, I went offtopic rambling there. * BACK TO ACTUAL WORLDBUILDING POINTS * These zombies are more supernatural, and capable of things that you’d probably call ‘magic’. It might be better to call this a supernatural corruption instead of a normal virus. Long-lived zombies will eventually evolve into one of many specialized forms, and start shedding their humanoid appearance for something closer to living shadows made of black spores. Their various powers can include more normal stuff like spewing acid or giant claws, or they could have enhanced control of this shadow mist in various ways, or extremely developed ones can even warp reality to some degree. Trapping you in delusions, rending holes through spacetime, contorting in impossible ways... * They’re not quite as rotten as regular zombies, they’re kinda more like the ‘eternally frozen in time’ sort of undead. Not the pretty kind like vampires, but they don’t completely rot away and start stinking. Its more like... I guess... if you had regeneration powers but they were overcharged? They’re in a perpetual state of metamorphosis, their skin blisters and peels and shifts and rots off and grows back. It flakes off like charred ash, and the flesh underneath begins to petrify. Pretty quickly they become cold, at first its just the simple cold of death and soon it’s crystalline bonelike flesh replacing everything that was once human. And cracking open to leak black blood... and then black smoke... until nothing is left. It seems that what we call ‘zombies’ are just the juvenile stage of a demon. A walking crysalis for something else. * Oh, and their complexion is more greyish than green. Mostly just cos big red wounds would look even more horrifying against a monotone colourscheme, and when the blood becomes black too it would be its own kind of horror... I think the shade of stone they become is linked to their skintone though. That’s a thing that always bugged me about certain vampire stories, how they always turn pale in twilight even if they were dark-skinned in life. (Yes, that is a thing in the books. At least the movies threw a bit more diversity in.) And slightly related, its annoying when all zombies turn the same shade of green. I mean its not really the same thing cos its not like anyone’s saying the zombies are desireable and ooo all hot zombies become white, or whatever. It just gets a bit confusing as a sign that the creators just did not think about POC being in this setting. Also its weird because green isn’t really a realistic colour for rotten human bodies, it always feels a bit too cartoony lol. So yeah weird grey stone zombies would not all be the same shade of grey, and this is a minor detail that should have been obvious but regrettably in a lot of stories it isn’t :P

* These zombies are more intelligent than usual zombies, they’re more equivelant to a simplistic prey animal rather than just a lumbering mess. They’re only that slow and helpless at the earliest stages of infection, pretty soon they start adapting and forming hunting strategies, rather than just walking in circles wherever they first died. They can progress far enough to create dens and packs and compete with each other for resources, and normally display about as much natural intelligence as a cat. Their main problem is more like a lack of awareness rather than lack of intelligence, they retain very little memory of their former selves and essentially behave as if they’re learning how to live again from the start. Left to their own devices they just become animalistic, but considering how they DO remember some things, it might be possible to teach one how to be fully aware again...? * The memories they keep of their former life usually lead to them reenacting old routines that hold no meaning anymore. The places they wander between might be places that were important to them in life, they might gather human things like magpies, they might claw wildly at a broom and start smashing it against things, vaguely remembering that at this time on wednesdays they did the chores. This can be used to manipulate zombies if you can observe them and figure out what things would provide a personal distraction. And global things that’re likely to attract every zombie are A LIFESAVER! Malls are the best scavenging spots because even though they’re the most populated by zombies, there are a million methods to misdirect the whole horde at once, and a million useful supplies inside. So much that if you could clear the place out, it might make a really good stronghold against further zombies. I mean, you’d be pretty much guaranteed to have new zombies coming there every day, in numbers small enough to handle... * The big problem is that these vestigal memories of important things can cause zombies to act in unexpected ways, unrelated to their actual degree of intelligence. You might think no zombie is capable of figuring out how to use a gun on its own, but a military person who died holding a gun might! They already have the combat instincts bored into their brain, it was a large part of their life, their last thoughts would have been to keep shooting no matter what. And their zombie self wakes up with this weird metal rifle thing strapped to their chest, banging against them every time they take a step, making it hard to get through doors. They claw at it a little, get curious about it, and those memories are constantly reinforced every day until they come swimming back up. Any zombie that had a useful skill and was in an environment where its easy to remember will most certainly retain it, no matter how low their self-awareness level is. Your only consolation with the rare gun-zombie is that they don’t often remember how to reload, so you only have to dodge one magazine of bullets!

* Miscellaneous thoughts of things! * I haven’t decided exactly what, but there should be certain chemicals that zombies react differently to, compared to humans. That’d make it easier to craft things to help combat them, and to help deal with your tamed zombie. All i know so far is that zombies are immune to poisons and generally have an iron stomach, so when you collect meat for your zombie you don’t have to worry about it spoiling. And there’s probably something that’s like zombie catnip and makes them sleepy, cos that’d be very useful as a gameplay aspect. * I think zombie vision is limited, and they mostly navigate through sound. The degree of limitation depends on what stage they’re at, it goes on a sort of curve with newly infected and very old infected both at the highest end of the scale. Newly infected eyes haven’t started changing yet, though theyre quite dizzy and clumsy at this first stage. Vision quickly starts degrading around the time that their dexterity recovers, so the difference isn’t really that big. Colour vision goes first. It’s complete colour blindness, not just red/green, so they’re even worse at sight than dogs are. (and, in fact, often compete with feral dogs for food) After that, they can only see blurs of light. Moving things or strong light sources will attract them, and they’re almost completely helpless in the darkness. The problem, though, is that later level infected are absolutely adapted to the darkness! After they’ve got used to navigating by sound alone, they spend all their time there. The only way they can perceive light is as heat on their fragile skin, so they hide away in shady places until night falls. So basically, if you see a zombie out in the light you should run to the darkness, and vice versa! And then when the infection starts to reach its final stages, they become able to perceive the world through the shadows they emit. This new form of ‘sight’ is more like a psychic sense, so there are some limits compared to human vision, and some things they can perceive more clearly. But, generally, they’re back to how good their sight used to be, and you should be wary of that. * Zombies are kinda like snakes, lizards or vampire bats. They only feed once in a while, they gorge themselves and then sleep it off for days or weeks afterwards. So not eveyr zombie you meet will actually try to eat you, just break you. And they won’t expend too much effort on it, since there’s not as much benefit to it, even if their instincts tell them that flesh = kill. Generally you just need to avoid letting them know you’re there, or looking like a threat to their territory. And they’ll quickly forget about you once you manage to escape them, they only pursue you to their full extent when its time to feed. So, for example, if you’ve tried scavenging the same place multiple times then enemies might get increasingly aggro! They start to recognise your scent, and they start to notice that things are vanishing from their territory every time you come there. They might start performing more complex behaviours like staking out the place they think you’ll appear, or readying ambushes and rudimentary traps. In comparison, you might actually be able to tame enemy zombies, to some degree. Its not really possible to save every single zombie, its hard enough to be able to restrain and retain this one single zombie daughter, who’s only this responsive to treatment because she knew you in life. But you can make zombies moderately more docile through certain expert techniques~! For example, if you toss them some food every time you scavenge around their nest, then they’ll start to learn to ignore you, and not really notice the stuff that’s dissappearing. They only care about losing food that they can actually eat, so if you focus on canned goods then you can also reduce aggro. And if you move stuff around you can make certain routes harder for them to cross, but it works even better if you also help them move down other routes. That way you don't just delay them finding you, you psychologically encourage them to turn the other way. “Hey, what’s this interesting new path that I’ve never seen before?” Keep switching the paths back and forth and you can trick them into never losing that excitement, zombies have bad short term memory XD And hey, if you make a big noise somewhere every time you enter the nest, you start teaching the zombies to run over there whenever you get there. Expend some time misdirecting them down a long path with a chunk of meat at the end, and eventually you don’t even need to do that, you can just make the noise and they all run down there even if there’s no reward! * Oh, and this idea was mostly just so that feeding your zombie daughter isn’t too difficult. You don’t have to murder a guy every damn day, she can last varying long amounts of time without food. And depending on how big the meal is and how you train her, you can increase or decrease the time. She’s only a baby zomb though, so generally her HELLISH HORROR HUNGER should be relatively manageable ^_^ I’ll have to figure out what would work best, gameplay wise. Once a month? once a week? * Maybe she can still eat human food, to some extent. Its just that only raw flesh and blood sates the monsterous aspect of her, the rest is empty calories. Plus you kinda need to save it all for keeping our human protagonist alive! But you can give zombiekid treats to reward her for good behaviour, or to calm her hunger when she’s gone without food for a long time. A full stomach won’t actually do anything to help, but it’ll keep her docile. And human food is hard for her to digest now, its usually only okay when its a single treat alongside a full meal of human flesh. Too much of it might just make her health worse, but its what you have to do to stop her from lashing out. It can be a bit depressing to have to lie to her and see her wasting away, not knowing why she's feeling so sick...