#also sometimes if the dialogue i thought of was good id just write that down

[syrasenturi]

Genuine question for people who write fanfiction:

What's your process? Like outlining or just straight up stream of consciousness that gets refined into paragraphs or what?

[staraxiaa]

porcelain, the afterword:

author's corner/first thoughts.

first and foremost: upon rereading, a scene in this fic holds a lot of similarities to one from dust, diamonds on ao3 by maokitty. (the jealousy scene w the husband where the wall crumbles) especially with the dialogue. i was definitely taking inspiration from that fic while writing the scene, and wanted to make a note of it here. go read it even if ur not into aot pls bc it’s actually life-changing !! i beat my sunflower record btw this was 25k ish words written in less than 20 total writing hours. spread over 1.5 days total. also i think i fucked up the pacing a lot from what id originally planed buuut at least its over. dobby is finally free!!! anyways. the original intent for this fic was a discussion on body imagery, to anyone who has ever struggled with the unrealistic standards of social media and/or felt lesser than themselves because they were not beautiful in a 'typical' manner. but then it ballooned into a monster of its own bc i was like how can i make this hurt. i took my inspiration from porcelain + kintsugi vases... like how can i break this reader before i put her back together. i think that i'd like to touch upon similar topics again one day. as a natural extension of my style and the way i write that 'fits' the childhood theme of this collection, i don't believe i handled these topics the best i could've: a lot of them are simplified to a point that, looking back, makes me go 'eugh' a bit because there's so much depth there that i had to like, tamp down upon as a result of my own inexperience. parts of it were likely believable, and parts of it likely weren't - whether because of my youth, or because i was afraid of approaching these topics from the 'wrong' angle. either way, i hope to be able to grow as a writer to the point that i can tackle these themes again to a point where i myself can be sufficiently pleased with the depth i've put into it. that is all. if you've read up to here, thank you. i'm not really expecting this one to do nearly as well as sunflowers - the content is heavier, it's not nearly as light, and shouto is just less of a popular character overall. but this is very likely my magnum opus so far in terms of how much thought has been put into the work, so it means a lot to me even if you do not interact, and simply read up til this point. thank you. your support truly means a lot. will also update again as i think of things

unwritten scenes, headcanons, thought process

another angst scene. at the todoroki forgiveness dinner table, katsuki and izuku are probably there. i havent watched this scene i just know it exists. (was gonna go find it just for research). enji hits shouto with the 'you can marry whoever you'd like' thing majig. shouto's like, cool i didnt give a shit anyways i was gonna marry her. with or without your permission. and THEN i hit you with the akshually... she's engaged... to be honest, a lot more scenes where it was just mother and daughter. i really wanted the point to hit home that, the mother is always intending to do good in the only ways she knows how - it's not discussed thoroughly, and she's obviously a negative influence when it matters most, which is why reader cuts her off at the end. i am a firm believer that not all parenting is good parenting, even when it comes from a good place, and to me it's like when you hurt someone - it doesn't matter your intention, because that should always come secondary to the fact that you hurt them in some way. sorry. i'm not sure if cutting completely out of the life like that was necessary, but i think that in real life, sometimes it is. something to think abt / regret abt this piece ig lots more on the brother. he was not seen a lot, and i cba to include more about him cuz tbh he's only really relevant for like... 2 scenes but basically the tl;dr is that. he also feels the same pressure. it's just offscreen. (he's a man, he's his father's heir, but he sees the impact this family has upon you). i honestly think he's pookie and hold him dear to my heart but he was really just there to get the plot moving... so.... sorry guys. i didnt even bother to give him a name. BUT hes definitely a very complex character i just didnt write it..... i just needed to add a little happiness to the dysfunctional family ok the husband. okay. so. i originally wrote him in with the intention of being someone to hate, entirely and utterly, with the whole of my heart. but i absolutely hate writing in characters that don't have at least some depth/some complexity, so here goes: he was definitely in love, i think, though i'm not sure i would call it that. there was a grooming aspect to it, an age gap difference (he attended all your recitals/performances when you were underage, had his eye on you), was twice your age. i think i wrote it in a way where it could definitely be interpreted as a form of love, as twisted and fucked up as it was⏤ in the way you think of ownership, that a pretty woman is nothing more than a flower to give the sun to, to water when you'd like. but you're not. you're more than that, you need more than food and water and a roof over your head, more than pretty jewels. you just couldn't love him, and i think that's the part that fucked with him the most. the husband was always supposed to die. i toyed with different versions of this⏤ if you should be the one to kill him, a final 'hurrah' when you finally find your courage. but i thought this wasn't very in line with the reader characterization, so i didn't include this. it's ok though u guys are always #1 bosses in my heart. i hope its clear though that the reader didnt love him at any point bc i dont like him enough as a character to give him that. sorry. he was also supposed to be a mafia man... did i make that clear... but both him and the father were like. i hate these characters. the father especially (he has 0 characterization he's only plot relevant bc he has to be). wipe them both from ur minds pls xx in terms of the baby: i actually know nothing about motherhood. this is only what i've done from the best of my imagination. if it isn't accurate at all i apologize.

i did not know tumblr had a max characters per block. i yap a lot huh. anyways on to cute shouto moments <3 i really considered the idea of like. sex scenes. nothing graphic, but tl;dr with shouto when you cry, he stops immediately. this would be near the end, when you're learning to live again, but it's like, you're so moved because no one has ever done it like this for you before, and he's just worried that he's done something wrong, and it's sad but it's like. you don't know if you can ever handle touch again, but bc you're married, you think it's your duty, and you also love him, so you want to try. you guys love each other so much i could sob. i didnt add this just bc i didnt think this was the fic i wanted to start nsfw with, and bc i dont think i could do the intimacy i wanted justice. also tbh i debated on including more thoughts of shouto during the relationship with the husband but i think, while the mc would definitely think of him, she would try her best to be a good wife. i think this is textbook of abusive relationships (i tried to portray that in the way that the husband speaks and turns the fault onto mc when he hits her) where naturally, they abuse you despite you already doing the best you can, and make you feel lesser for it. i.e. she hasn't thought about shouto the whole while, hasn't done anything, doesn't intend on it, and he still blames her for the way she feels. DID I EMPHASIZE THAT HE PICKS UP EVERY CALL EVEN THO U DONT TEXT HIM ANYMORE JUST IN CASE bc shouto todoroki the man that you are... the man i wrote you as... im never marrying idgaf i write my own standards too high i also jus wanna say guys... the way u pull him out of his shell... and then its his turn to pull him out of urs.... i am a SUCKER for stories that come full circle watch me write it into mermaid au anyways im so excited!!!!! in another world, shouto is the one to catch you. somehow he's in your penthouse apartment. the man's holding a knife to your throat (??) or it's your husband trying to save his own skin. in some variations you walk off the edge yourself, in some variations your husband pushes you, in some variations it's the man. i thought this fit better. either way in all of them he was supposed to dive off the fucking building after u but i also thought: he can't be there himself but he makes sure ur taken care of anyways. sort of fitting the characterization i had for him, i think. i rlly considered a kiss scene too but it'd be sort of natural. like stepping into someone's warmth and feeling entirely comfortable in it, knowing it's what you want and knowing it's also what he wants. at the end. but i didn't add it. wouldve been sweet but unnecessary bc i think this would be further down the line and would require a separate scene. once again i scoot free of my kiss-writing responsibilities ! ! ! more on this, though, i think i really like writing about how simple intimacy can be. i do not believe you need to be physically affectionate with someone to love them, though you certainly can be, and i hope this was reflected in the way i portrayed both shouto and reader. in my dreams we are shouto's sugar babies and just vibe for the rest of our lives. and that is all. the smallest things the reader does make him so happy like. slowly. you guys are already holding hands, so a kiss on the cheek would make him the happiest man on earth. oh here's a bonus scene: at some point he takes you out to see the fireworks. the two of you are sitting, you're tucked snugly into his side, you're watching the fireworks, but when you turn, he's watching you. it's so stupidly romantic. you probably ask him what he's looking at and hes just like 'you'. you flush a little. he kisses the top of your head, grinning like the little shit he is.

i also think it'd take a length of time to get married, so you guys probably do kiss sometime before then. no clue about the scene. but canonically (aka in my head) you guys are just having a normal conversation. like Normal Normal. nothing fancy. and all of a sudden you just lean in and kiss him on the corner of his lips. he touches it, and you can see the shock on his face. dunno if you lie and say 'something there i was just getting it for you' bc im a sucker for that but he only leans a little closer and asks you to do it again. i'd like to think man is patient even tho he desperately wants to (like to the point it's painful to watch) so you have to tell him straight up it's okay to do anything, when you're ready: i.e. initiate kisses and anything else later down the line. once he gets the green light though there's no stopping (he will immediately if u ever tell him) like in my head this man has been basically touch starved all his life and he YEARNS. everyone say thank you to the anon who prompted these scenes btw notes on reader: i think what i wanted to explore with this piece was the way that your parents, the environment you grow up in, the role models you have can shape how you grow a lot. but that does not mean you need to stay that way forever. and that even if you do, you are not necessarily 'weak' or any lesser. reader never actually stood up for herself until the very end, but she was strong in her own way. she tried her best to be a good wife, even when she practically hated her husband. she persevered, she tried her best to love her child. things were bleak, but she pulled through; she kept on living, she kept on breathing. and that was enough. she was enough! <33 i also don't know if this reader was a very believable one. a lot of what i explored here was an extension of some of my own experiences, but like. i simply have not experienced a lot of it personally, unlike with my other pieces, and not at all to the same depth. i hope that there are people out there that can resonate with her and her experiences, but like not in a fucked up way. i simply hope that this story can make someone out there feel seen/heard, even if it's just a little. also putting this here to say, i tried to write reader in a way where it made her thoughts read off as like. ingrained into her? but that the way she thinks is not supposed to be normalized. please love yourselves. just wanted to make that clear djsklsfjd

[i-just-want-to-destroy]

the last chapter for walking study in demonology was CRAZYYY im so happy you updated. im so curious about what your thought process in writing it and if youre willing to share?? you dont have to if you dont want to btw! but in any case thank u so muchhh

hey thank you! appreciate it

okay super long answer below

honestly this one was difficult. idk if its bc its been a while since i write fics from scratch so i might have forgotten how difficult the whole thing is, but this one was tough. ch 8 wasnt from scratch tho cos i had the drafts since like 2022 or smthg lol

ik the formatting is non conventional in ch 8 and i was aware that itd be hard to read for some people. but i do think abt the readers often when i write.. mainly not what the readers want in terms of storyline (altho ofc i consider this too sometimes lol) but what the reading experience will be like for them.

i.e consider if id written the chapter in a linear, traditional way and narrated the confrontation between 1-A and LoV (or even other wackier “Villains” like godzilla and invading aliens or whatever). the truth is, although def easier to read, that version will be very boring.

(i know bc i tried and scrapped those versions.)

(im sure a better writer can write it interestingly but i am not a better writer.)

the thing w writing these traditional fight scenes is tht im sure — im 1000% positive in fact — that the readers have read it before. there r literally thousands and thousands of bnha fics out there with great fight scenes, on top of the actual manga, where youve read these characters fight their assorted villains. why would i make you read that again, esp when i know i cant do it better? i already know the readers r just gonna skim the chapter if thats the case. ive been a reader, ik what fic fatigue is like — esp with bnha when everythings been rehashed infinity times in infinity different ways.

same thing also applies with even the “metaness” of the fic itself.

i dont want the fic to come off like its talking down to readers, whom i believe alrdy have the instinctual knowledge of what the fic is trying to do. im willing to bet tht the readers have read something similar to this before, like multiverses n time loop n meta stuff, also cosmic horror. i still end up narrating some things even though often i feel im being too explanatory. i jst feel like the readers will know what im talking abt by virtue of their familiarity to the tropes involved.

therefore the least i can do is serve it in an interesting way, aka the fuckass formatting. like although the tropes im doing r done so many times before, at the very least i cld let the readers hopefully have fun by piecing it together puzzle-style with the fragmented formats — so its more of an experience thing rather than jst a lore dump. i dont like lore dumps, they can be condescending.

demonology def doesnt succeed in avoiding that however. in fact its fallen to that exact trap. ch 4 and 6, those r very lore-dumpy. i tried to make it fun w the humor dialogue style but its not perfect. i know tht by ch 8 that tricks alrdy old, and the readers have all the puzzle pieces at this point anyway so itd be even more repetitive than it alrdy is. even so i still feel im being too explanatory esp with the emotional arcs but thats a skill issue on my part

overall i feel demon can be more oblique and “elegant” in its mechanics.

but anyway, it IS crack… it was never meant to promise intelligence, least of all eloquence lmfao. its never meant to be taken seriously.

of course, at this point u can tell that i actually am taking it pretty seriously LOL. i never meant to write meta fiction. i have some gripes w it, namely that i feel meta fiction is used by weaker writers as a storytelling crutch n it can come off as lazy — demon is guilty of this too. but now that i end up writing meta fiction, i might as well fucking commit and try to push it as crazy as i can. if its not gonna be good, at least it can be interesting, or weird.

blah blah im yapping. point is, ik the end product might look very “random” and pastiche as if i was jst doing whatever i wanted … which, true … but it went thru a lot of trials and errors until this final version. you would not believe the amount of time ive rewritten this chapter, due to all those ^ considerations.

however i always knew i was going to start ch8 with the classic mary sue “fanfiction” — that segment was written a long time ago like in 2022/2023?? and mostly stayed unedited since, unlike the rest of the fic which i stripped and repainted and restripped again lol

ok thanks for reading abt my wack anime crack fic writing process that, again, shld not be taken seriously. i will admit however that i do put a lot of effort n heart into it so i cannot pretend i am aloof and disaffected. id be lying if i say its been easy. i consider it a miracle i updated at all. i keep saying its not meant to be taken serious but if i managed to make it even a little bit meaningful, id be very happy.

ah also. bnha ending actually forced me to scrap a lot of things too. but it kinda ends up for the better, maybe.

[fandomfluffandfuck]

i havent seen the inside of your ask box for ages so let me just say i finished money magic and WOAH. leave some talent for the rest of us damn. also. im going to add ‘financial domination’ to my mental list of kinks and im doing it with a sly smirk on my face because id never heard of it before this fic and i certainly will be looking for more in the future.

i genuinely think im into it only because you write it so. fucking. well. i love this community youve built where so many people can discover new kinks through your writing and it makes me so happy being able to find out new things about myself from a piece of art like this. i just love fandom sometimes.

plus i think of your blog as a haven bc i can come here anytime i want and its like someone took all the things i love about fandom and put it through your brain then onto here. a true blessing.

ok onto the fic itself, i have a few things to say:

1) i will never get over the way you build up to the climax of the fic. like, from the beginning, its always so obvious that something big is going to happen and i just can never wait until the next update to find out. i dont think ive ever skim read one of your paragraphs because every word pulls me in a makes me want moreee.

2) the way you use imagery in your work is actually something i think should be studied because you do it SO WELL. an example from chapter one that i cant stop thinking about;

His mind whirls. He’s back to spinning out of control. It feels as though his head might come off his shoulders, twisted and twisted and twisted around, thinning his neck, and becoming too unsteady.

like hello???? i can picture every tiny little detail of this moment and its insane how you can just do that.

3) the chemistry between your characters never feels forced or awkward. ive noticed that you dont use dialogue too much when writing smut and i love that because it lets the reader really visualise whats going on. but when you do its absolutely perfect. the way you kept the power dynamics going steadily throughout and even when they were talking on the balcony, it just made me realise how much you really care about what you write and it made reading so much more enjoyable.

theres literally like a million other things i could say but im not gna ramble here. instead, take some snippets that i especially enjoyed that i will think about for a long, long time:

A shiver wracks Steve’s body, accompanied by a rough exhale that fills his bedroom—a confession of how much he’s enjoying this by its very nature.

-

Steve shivers so hard it might as well be a convulsion. Good. The way his words leave no room for argument, for thought, for anything but all this electric embarrassment to fill his veins and circulate throughout his body, polluting him tip to tail. Jesus. He commands all of Steve without being there. It’s heady. He can feel himself being pulled in like a sailor, lonely after months at sea, to a siren.

-

A moan comes tumbling out of his mouth, humiliated to the point that he feels dizzy. He couldn’t stand and walk straight if he tried, he’d stumble and fall onto his knees. He wants to stumble and fall and have Bucky push his heavy hands into his hair, he wants to feel the cold metal of his rings and the blunt sharpness of his fingernails against his scalp as he grabs and pulls and twists, making sure Steve feels his place.

-

Steve imagines this is what being a pinata feels like, struck hard enough that it's twirling around its point of suspension, unable to know what’s up or down, left or right, just focused on each hit and when the next one is going to come, then, ah!, all of the sudden spilling its bounty.

-

i could put the whole fic here but you know. that’d be too long. ill just have to hope what ive said here is enough.

bottom line is that im OBSESSED and i will be taking the pleasure of rereading this fic as soon as i can. thank you so much for sharing!!! lots of love 💗

"Money Magic"

YOU ARE SO SWEET, ARCHIE!

Thank you, lovely <3

I'm so glad to hear that you finished that fic, and, more importantly, that you enjoyed the read so much! You're too kind. Haha, I'm hitting you again with the kink discovery. I think if I can't find a job (a scarily real threat, lmao), I can make a job of that alone 💀💀 I, too, though, am going to be looking for more of it! I haven't found anything else with fin domming in stucky fics, but I would love to!

I'm honored that it's even a possibility that you'd just be into it because of the way I write it <3 Me too!! I love the absolute filth I can write and people not batting an eye, aside from horny reactions that I enjoy very much. Thank you. Plus, even better, so many people have come into my inbox to say depraved, kinky shit. Like. YES. Discover more kinks from me, tell me more about your kinks, and let's explore it all. Not you calling my porn writing art

(Like, absolutely, porn is art. Art inspires emotion, and horny is a valid emotion. I wholeheartedly believe that and would very readily call lots of other writers erotica art, but hearing that about my own? Wtf. Shits wild)

And calling my blog a haven?! Staaawp. You're too cute and nice, I can't take it

1) Ah! I'm so glad to hear that 'cause I plan out my fics EXTENSIVELY, lmao, and I try very hard to up myself consistently within my longer, chaptered fics.

2) You are so fucking sweet I am gonna scream. Oh my god!! I love how you pulled quotes from my text! What the hell??? That's so nice!

3) Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I feel like I use a lot of dialog 💀💀 That's probably because I think so hard about my dialog, though, lol. I do care, definitely. I care too much sometimes 😅 but, yeah, I try to always think, okay, but would the character actually ever say or behave like that? Both this AU character, but also the canon character because the AU is, of course, a canon extension/expansion.

Aww, I don't have words (which is saying something for me, haha)! Again, though, I love, love, love that you included snippets that stuck out to you!

YOU'RE SO SWEET!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND THANK YOU FOR SUCH WONDERFUL COMMENTS ALONG THE WAY!

[not-poignant]

!!!

palmarosa and 5, 6, 11 & 12 for the fic ask thingy pls! (If that’s too many questions for one ask then just. Any of those. Ty!)

Re: Palmarosa - okay let's gooooo

5: What part was hardest to write?

So far, the sex scenes (although see below for some of my issues re: behind the scenes researching). They honestly are often the hardest parts to write. But also, Astarion is rather more sex averse than I initially imagined him being, but as I've been writing the more 'concrete' fic, I'm finding he is very sex averse and has a lot of reasons to be, and as a result it's slowed Raphael down. It's not bad, but I already struggle with sex scenes in general just because I want to craft something decent.

6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics?

Mmm. Astarion's a vampire and I actually (can't believe I'm admitting this) don't really love writing vampires! Writing creatures who drink blood to live I think is a tentative first for me, lol. Otherwise there's more similarities than differences. Like, the fandom and characters/pairing are different, but a lot of the themes are the same.

I'd say this is the first world I've written in re: fandom that has this much lore to go through, and almost all of it contradictory in some fashion. So I'm having to do more research kind of like through three separate fandoms to find what I want, or to realise I have to invent something new. That side of things is challenging.

11: What do you like best about this fic?

The crunchy dynamic between a not particularly pure-of-heart vampire spawn and a definitely not pure-of-heart devil. I really enjoy their banter. They're both very theatrical and performative. They both like a good show. They both think elements of violence are fun. They're both not particularly concerned with being good people every second of every day.

I get to have Astarion say some really fun lines, and that gets to be relatively in character. I get to have Raphael say some truly unhinged purple prose bullshit, and that's also pretty in character for him! I think I also really enjoy matching the voices as much as possible. I sometimes feel like I can 'hear' them saying their lines, and that feels really good.

12: What do you like least about this fic?

Probably the lack of easy ways to research the dialogue and world etc. I was very spoiled by like... the Dragon Age: Inquisition wiki, and even the Stardew Valley wiki. They have most of the dialogue and written parts there. The BG3 Wiki is kind of terrible for almost everything I need to know and I'm surprised when it can actually help me. It's also not immediately easy to add to, which I've thought of doing in the past (I have a Wiki account, and I have edited/added to them before - but Fextralife is different). And then also, a lot of it is contradictory.

The game writes pretty significant character growth in many different directions which means you can canonically write Astarion as two completely different characters in terms of morality and it still be...canon compliant. And then on top of that, there's just typos and issues - Korilla is 'Korrilla' in almost all the correspondence and texts, and 'Korilla' in the dialogue. So which is it? Do I just get to choose for fun? (I do).

As a result I've read hundreds of raw datamined dialogue files, and that's just laborious, because 90% of that is irrelevant to what I'm doing. In general, there's not a ton to hook into for Raphael, and some of his best lines are actually written down or transcribed.

I don't think anyone will ever truly know how much behind the scenes research I've done for what is ultimately a very Id/ridiculous fic, but I've done a metric fuckton of it. And when people then go 'oh but actually Gale is an X and you got that wrong' I want to claw my own eyes out, because I've spent at least 50 solid hours researching and compiling a fairly information dense Obsidian Vault for worldbuilding, and when I get basic things wrong it makes me want to cry and then immediately quit, lmao.

(In case anyone wants to see what that looks like so far:

--

From this fanfic meme!

[f1ggotry]

fic writer interview! tagged by @bumblewyn @formulaocean and @sacharowan (SORRY i kept forgetting to do this the first two times)

How many works do you have on ao3? 42!

What’s your total word count? 217,747 and that's uh. about to jump again in a couple days. not sure where this sudden burst of creativity came from but i'm not complaining lol

What are your top 5 fics by kudos? The Idiot's Guide To Roommates (NCT/Kpop); Man's Second Best Friend (With Benefits) (F1); Always Bring A Banana To A Party (NCT); From the Top, Make it Drop (NCT); and How Not To Get a Boyfriend (NCT). you can notice a distinct theme in my fandoms lol

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? i ... try my best! i'd say i reply to most of them but there are definitely some i miss skdfjhskjdf

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? probably We Almost Nailed It (NCT) (i'm NOT recommending this one it's my first published work and i think it's. rough. but it is sad. tfw you have to kill your boyfriend for your job lol)

What��s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending? that might be Golden Light (my beautiful transfem george i love you so so much)

Do you write crossovers? ummm im not anti-crossover but i think most of my crossover ideas never make it out of the docs. so yes? but not in a way that matters very much lol

Have you ever received hate on a fic? yeah lol

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? yes i do and id say its. sad? i don't think i'm capable of writing smut without putting Emotions and Angst in it usually. but i like it like that so its not a bad thing at all lol

Have you ever had a fic stolen? not that im aware of!

Have you ever had a fic translated? nope

Have you ever co-written a fic before? yes!!! this is where i plug my and @bumblewyn's charlando fic shut your mouth (give me your head) which is REALLY good if i do say so myself. it was such a blast writing it too!

What’s your all-time favourite ship? ... destiel. look. i'm not immune to angel of the lord raising the righteous man from hell, asking him why he doesn't think he deserves to be saved, and both of them then proceeding to save each other over and over. idk it just [shrimp emotions]

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? a naruto fic i got like 10k into and then suddenly stopped having the will to write. rest in peace sasunaru you will get your happy ending in some other universe but not that one

What are your writing strengths? i'd say characterisation for sure. i really enjoy getting to know a character and deciding what their voice will be in my head. i also think i'm not too bad at worldbuilding although i don't tend to spend a lot of time on it within fics

What are your writing weaknesses? endings ... i tremble at the thought of actually properly tying up a fic and settling everything down. also finding titles lol

What are your thoughts on dialogue in other languages in a fic? i don't do it and i don't like it (most of the time when it's in a language i know it just. doesn't work for me lol) (sometimes it can also be downright creepy due to cultural/linguistic differences) (PLEASE stop making max verstappen say schatje. thats gross)

What was the first fandom you wrote for? i used to hand-write self-insert little women fic when i was like eight. so probably that. i had thee biggest crush on jo lmao

What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to? i haven't written geochalex. yet. but it's going to happen at some point. otherwise i'd say charles/lewis would be a really interesting ship too

What’s your favourite fic you’ve written? if i have to pick one above the rest ... yeah, probably make me taste alive. it's galex, in which alex is a vampire and george is entirely normal about it, of course.

thanks so much for tagging me! genuinely, i think all the authors i know on here have already been tagged, but if you haven't and you see this, please use it as an open tag if you want to do this.

[imonthemoonitsmadeofcheese]

hi moon, just wanted to let you know that your fanfiction and other's artwork who i follow here have inspired me to make fanfiction. i've written tamer stories but i've also written nsfw stuff as well about eris and drifter. i don't run out of ideas but i run out of steam and motivation to write, even when it involves characters that i love to either draw or write about. do you have any tips to keep going if, for example, you run into an art block of some kind? how can you filter out junk ideas for a good one to write about? also dialogue, it is my weakness but you pick up their mannerisms really well based on some of your work i've read. any tips to get them right in fanfiction? thanks for your time

I cannot express how delighted I am that things I have written have inspired you to write - especially things with Eris and the Drifter. I hope you will consider posting them somewhere and sending me a link either on here or in DMs (or if you are not posting it and still want to share, I invite you to email me - my ID for gmail is the same as it is here, on Discord, and on Ao3.)

Regarding motivation: Writing is a muscle and creativity responds well to routine use of it and sustenance. Motivation is also like a small child and sometimes needs coddling and protection.

I have found the most effective way through blocks is to freewrite through them, By this I mean set a timer, get a pen and paper (not keyboard unless you need one for accessibility reasons) and write whatever comes into your head for five or ten minutes (the number of minutes can vary - I often go up to 20 but even five can be hard at first). Your job is not to actually write, and the words don't actually matter, you just need to keep the pen moving and are not allowed to stop writing words, and then you want to try and do this every day. The point is not to write creatively, it's exercise. Most commonly this begins with phrasing like:

I must write words. I must keep them appearing on the page. I must not stop until the timer ends. I must write. I must write words.

And eventually you get very bored of writing the same thing over and over again and start including other things. For me the most common thing I start to write is lists of things I need to do that are not done yet or lists of things that are emotionally bothering me.

Eventually you run out of things and/or get tired of writing the same problems over and over again and your brain gets bored and starts dreaming up new things. That is good. Let your mind get bored. You want that. Let it play. Grammar is not important. No one else needs to ever see this, including yourself. Ethics/morality is not important. This is pure brain-vomit straight from within. You are teaching yourself to have a conversation with your mind in a nonjudgemental manner. If critical thoughts happen you can write them down, but try not to focus on criticism because that is the enemy of creativity.

For when you're not completely blocked and trying to avoid becoming so, write full first drafts before going back and editing them. Editing engages a different part of the brain from creation and engaging too early can divert your focus and sometimes make it hard to get back into the creative mindset again.

Take breaks. Play games (if you're writing D2 fanfication, this counts as research!) or step away from the computer (or paper). Eat a food. Drink a water. Human bodies were not designed to write for long periods of time. Too much and we start to cramp up and have bad posture and this eventually leads to being distracted by pain.

Protect your creativity. This may be more of a depression thing than a writing thing but few things strangle creativity more than immersing ourselves in toxicity. I curate what media I ingest very stringently. I've had to block people who I still consider to be fantastic artists and writers, whose work I genuinely respect, because it's just not healthy for me to interact with them. Constructive criticism is healthy and good to engage with, but when you encounter a person (or a group) who makes you feel bad routinely, ask yourself if you're actually getting anything out of that relationship. Are they making you a better writer (or a better person) or are they just shitting on everything you love? Sometimes we stay in places (especially online places) that are hostile to us because we feel socially obligated to do so and it harms, not just our creativity, but also our self-esteem. Remember to evaluate these things routinely. Sometimes the reason you're creatively blocked is simply a symptom of something larger. Sometimes your unconscious mind is trying to tell you that it's being poisoned and you need to change your environment so it can breathe again.

Regarding how to filter out junk ideas:

There are no junk ideas, only poor implementation. And even poor implementation is better than no implementation. Write them anyway. You can always edit it later. If your mind thinks something is shiny, pursue it, no matter how 'junk' you think it might be. If your mind thinks something is junk, put it aside, but keep it. It may become shiny later. It may be useful in another form.

Do not filter your ideas. Pile them in a giant heap like a dragon and lie on them. Roll around. Kick your feet. Play. Let your brain be a two-year-old magpie and just pick out whatever is shiniest at the time. Be indulgent. Be decadent. It is your mind. You can have favourites. You can get bored and pick up something else. It's allowed.

You are also allowed to force yourself to finish something when you are unblocked (if you wish) but you may find that doing so causes you to be blocked. Be careful of that. Human unconsciousness and creativity is very cat-like. It gets bored easily and will often be contrary just to fuck with you. It will sit in front of a door, demand you open it, and then begin to lick its ass. It didn't want to actually go through the door. It just wanted you to open it. And that's fine. Let your mind be flighty. You are not on a time limit (unless you are being paid - then it gets more difficult).

In my experience, when you are blocked, or close to it, the restrictions need to come off. Let your mind play and pick up shiny things and get distracted by something shinier or different or otherwise weird. Treat your unconscious like an unruly child, give it breaks. Let it take naps. Give it a cookie when it's done eating its vegetables (but also let it have cookies just because). If you end up with 300 unfinished things that's fine. I, myself, have oodles of them. I look through them and often later find them shiny again. This is fine. Keep your half-done things. Allow yourself to make them and to have them. They are part of your horde. Go looking for more. Shuffle them around. Mix them. Throw them against different walls periodically to see if they stick. Sometimes two things are not interesting but when you put them side by side a third thing appears, within or between them or in reaction to them, that is more lovely than either of them could have been on their own.

When you are writing something and feel bored with it, ask yourself if maybe it's just that you need something else happening at the same time. Maybe this part could use some foreshadowing of something dramatic that isn't yet stated. Or perhaps another scene could be woven into and happen simultaneously with what is happening now.

I work very hard at my dialogue. I am delighted you like it. Some voices (such as the Drifter) come to me far more easily than others and for some (like Eris) I need to immerse myself in them to get a good feel of them. Yet others I simply copy and paste some of their in-game dialogue into a notepad file and then replace individual words until it is saying something else. Or I splice two in-game lines together to make a new one with existing phrases. I often work with a notepad of just copy-pasted dialogue from the game along side what I'm writing so I can use it as a reference for how the character talks.

Conversations also don't tend to begin at the beginning and end at the end. If more context is needed later, you can fix that when you're editing. You're allowed to just skip to the fun parts. You're allowed to have external things interrupt.

Sometimes I go stand by a character in-game that has idle dialogue (both the Drifter and Eris are lovely for this) and I just listen to them while I do other things in an attempt to absorb their speech patterns through osmosis. Sometimes I look up transcriptions of their voice lines from the game, or find quotes from them, or play scenes from the destiny lore vault on youtube in the background, or look up transcriptions on the ishtar collective. I read through them and analyse them. I look for patterns and note them down for use later.

Distinctive character voices have distinctive quirks. Eris, for example, tends to use poetic language, and often uses a bigger word when a smaller one will do, but only when the meaning of the bigger word is actually more precise:

"We do not seek to exculpate the Witch Queen."

Her humour is subtle and pointed, often a little creepy or mean.

"Ikora and Zavala are dear friends. Even if we don't always see eye to eye… to eye."

She is also very blunt, not only in not sugarcoating anything but also in being forthright with her feelings and her tendency to state the obvious, sometimes uncomfortable things no one is talking about:

"Did Zavala send you? He does not trust me." "You give me hope."

Drifter loves colourful gritty memorable metaphors and his humour ranges from self deprecating and flirty to bleak as fuck - sometimes one after the other or at the same time for shock value.

"Otto does it so beautifully that, when he's done, you're standing there holding your guts in your hands and thanking him for the show."

But he's also prone to dispensing unrequested, often highly practical (but a bit unnerving) advice:

"The bullet always comes when you're not moving." "Ever headbut a Kell? Don't. You'll break your neck. Use bullets."

Dialogue also works best when something else is happening at the same time. People rarely talk to each other with their full focus unless the situation is emotionally charged and/or the conversation is extremely important. Figuring out what each one of them is doing in addition to talking can be very helpful even if it never shows up directly in the dialogue at all.

Dialogue also tends to work well when each character has a reason for having the conversation. The reasons don't need to be complicated. The Drifter can be hungry and want to eat dinner. Eris can be busy and want to finish the conversation quickly so she can go back to what she was doing. But having what the character wants in the background of what is being said can really give weight and context to what's being spoken.

Not all responses need to be verbal and many characters have distinctive non-word responses to things. Drifter often laughs, says 'Oooh!' or 'Huh.' Eris often says 'Hmmm…' or sighs. These are as important to their distinctive voices as the words they use.

Dialogue between two people may not need attribution if the voices are distinct enough but any more than two people in a conversation and attribution is usually needed or the reader will become confused. The goal for dialogue attribution is to make it as invisible as possible unless you are using it for a specific effect (for example, I often use attribution as pacing or to achieve a specific rhythmic effect). So anything that might confuse the reader and make them need to re-read or otherwise ask who is speaking is to be avoided. This means that 'said' is not a sin, and neither is 'growled' as long as whatever you choose doesn't stick out and draw attention to itself.

I hope this is useful to you. I love writing, and reading, and delight in sharing stories and ideas. I very much look forward to anything you write and, while I know it is challenging to show your work to others, it's also very rewarding. I hope some day you will be willing to share your things with me, especially if they include Eris and/or the Drifter. I tend to be a very sympathetic reader and will delight in your words and cherish them as expressions of joy and care.

Let there be more love in the world. Let us write it into existence. Let us sing our songs to the universe and delight in the songs we hear in return.

Aiat.

[omgeto]

I read your tags on the smut tips post so I’m here to ask, how do you write a good angst to fluff piece? 😌

idk what possessed me to say my angst to fluff pieces were my true calling BUT since thats what literally ALL my Haikyu fics are and all my non full smut fics are I might as well. AND I LOVE SHARING MY WISDOM I FEEL LIKE A GURU hehehehe.

FIND THE WRITE ANGST TO FLUFF BALANCE: like tbf this one is just down to personal preference of what you want to write. since at the end of the day angst to fluff fics are just fics that start with angst and end with fluff BUT imo to make it sweet and juicy you really need to find the write balance, have you ever read and fic and thought damn this barely had any angst or vice versa. so when it comes to writing NON smut angst to fluff fics I think depending on how heavy the angst is you wanna do like a 60% angst 40% fluff or 70% angst and 30% fluff. but this point kinda leads into my next one...

BALANCING UR SHIT RIGHT: so with this, I think the hardest part of writing angst to fluff fics is that you have to find a problem that angsty enough to be worth writing about but not TOO angsty that it makes the reader look dumb for forgiving the character and having a fluffy ending. to combat this, I usually just make the 'fluff' part of my endings the apology and always kind of imply or just straight out state that not EVERYTHING is cool but you'll work towards fixing it and you can still have a sweet moment come from that.

HOW TO WRITE A FLUFFY REUNION: since I realised that some people actually struggle writing the actual fluff part. but deep it if ur writing x reader fics you just gotta ask your self "if someone did *insert whatever angsty thing they did* to me, what would I want them to do to fix it" tbf half of the time the angst I write in my fics id dump a dude for, but when ur writing for the masses and writing a fluffy ending that cannot happen lol. but usually like just ask urself what you'd want and its 8/10 the right answer. but if u have no ideas then, just start with AN APOLOGY (surprise surprise) a heartfelt apology and some promises to do better and be better and all that lame soppy crap, THAT ALWAYS GOES A LONG WAY and then boom.

HOW TO WRITE ANGST: now I could do a whole separate post on how to write angst, since I actually think my angst is stellar. but so I dont bore you, I'll just say for me personally ITS ALL IN THE DIALGOUE. like yeah descriptions go a long with in any form of writing but for a real juicy piece of angst you have to make them verbally fight (or physically fight if u REALLY WANNA GO THERE but we do not beat up eachotehr so no thank you) but yes the key is in the dialogue like and it doesn't have to be long dialogue but a good back and forth argument which REAL EMOTION THATS WHAT COUPLES AND PEOPLE DO.

BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY MY OVERALL POINT IS JUST TRY AND MAKE IT REALISTIC. HOW? ASK YOURSELF "HOW WOULD I FEEL IF THIS HAPPENED TO ME" OBVIOUSLY SOMETIMES THE SITUATIONS ARE FAR FETCHED AS HELL BUT IT SEEMS U GUYS FORGET THAT UR ALSO HUMAN BEINGS JUST AS UR READERS ARE SO.... DO THAT AND ITLL ALL BE FUN.

[okthatsgreat]

new chapter release and ask game.... you have made this so much easier for me. yet so much harder. there's so much to talk about....... ill start w the ask game bc no matter how desperately id love to talk about the recent chapter i want to collect my thoughts about it bc as of reading it i have been in such a state. 7 (if ur open to it !! if not then keep your dark secrets hidden), 41, 47, 69 (haha)

ehehehhehehe im sorry about the STATE!!! <3

7. post a snippet from a wip

omg....... okay i cant lie to you i have not started this next chapter so teeechhhnically i don't have any wips lmaoooo However. i am a woman of drama and mystery. so here is a snippet of rough dialogue from a scene that is going to happen further on down the line :) for those who dont want to be spoiled ill leave it under read more!!

41. who’s your favorite character you’ve written?

ohhhhh GODDD that's hard genuinely ive loved all of them and if not loved then liked at the least. i loved writing in mius pov just because shes so entertaining to dissect especially in lgowab, where she was in an environment that arguably (not even arguably just straight up LMFAO) brought out the worst in her. im also a big fan of makotos povs because im obsessed with how much he lies. and not even maliciously. so much of what he thinks contradicts what he says but hes still the good guy

its been a while but tenkos pov was so much fun to write from as well....... so entertaining. she has a huge personality and huge heart it was really fun to write

47. is there a trope that you’ve written before but are now sick of?

LMFAOOO ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. hm hm hm. alright i am ABSOLUTELY not saying i got sick of it i loved writing her but there was one long period of time where i was just straight up dreading writing from himikos pov when i was writing lgowab and it was literally all my fault LOL. mius povs were so high action and dramatic and tense so it was super fun to write from her side, and at this point in the story she was just getting into the enforcement team and was starting her downward spiral. and then i had himiko, who was progressing but at a pace that was a lot slower. which was fully intentional!!! like i WANTED that to happen. but i just had no idea what to write for her, because in comparison to miu's pov himiko was just so Fine if that makes sense. like obviously himiko was not doing okay mental health wise but she had a gf and friends and a pretty solid understanding of where she stood in regards to safety. miu had none of that, was spiralling out of her mind, and was actively pushing everybody away. eventually himikos story picked up and i found myself getting into her pov more but yeah ghdfjksghdjkfgh hit a bit of a wall!

don't even know what trope that classifies as WHOOPS!

69 (haha). what are your favorite fics at the moment?

favorites of mine ouughhh no clue! i like rereading run from your demons :] same with lgowab honestly. sometimes i just get reminded of a scene and i want to go back and read it again to get a better mental visual lol. but that applies to literally all of my fics so IDK!!!

in regards to other peoples fics i really do not read fanfiction that often HFDSKGHFSJDHHGKHJ ummmm i think the last one i read was the hope's peak gay straight alliance by vanadisvalentine and that one was a nice feel-good one :)

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!! <3333333333

fanfiction writing game!

[glitchyvoice]

how to write hmm

never thought id be giving writing advice kind of crazy, huge compliment though tyty

this all goes for both original works and fanfic btw

(also this is long so adding a cut)

for starters, always write down the ideas you have. even if its something you dont think youll have time to use write it down!! i have so many characters and stories from ages ago ive written down and while some of it may go unused ive recently taken old characters i thought i was never gonna use and put them all together in their own story!! you just never know when you might want that character or storyline so its good to have your ideas down :))

second, it doesnt matter where in the story it is, if you have an idea for a scene, or even just a scrap of dialogue, write it!! you can put it where its supposed to be when you get to it, and itll help you fill out the timeline of events. also if you end up scrapping a scene, dont delete it. save it somewhere, you might just find that theres somewhere else that it works better.

as for how i write?? im still learning. i look at how my favs write and study it. why do i like their writing so much? i take the things i learn from studying their work and compare it to mine and then sometimes i realize that theres just some small thing about the way i write i wanna do differently!! like art, you do this and eventually build up your own style.

when it comes to sitting down and writing, im honestly extremely improvisational. i can sit down and just write for ages on end, (adhd permitting) but a mistake i HAVE made many many times in the past is sitting down and writing without planning anything at all. while going with the flow is okay, if you have no end in mind then well. there wont be an end. you can trap yourself super easily in a scene if you have two characters start a conversation without a point in mind. who are these characters? why are they talking? whats the point of this conversation? what are their personalities like and how do they conflict?? how does that affect how they talk to each other?? how does this conversation need to end?? its all story beats. when i plan a chapter nowadays i write down the key story beats of said chapter. these are the things that need to happen in the chapter. and then i work on the inbetweens.

chapter 2 of fates twine is gonna be better than ch 1 bc ch 1 was my learning process of some of this stuff. but i knew from the beginning the things i wanted to happen.

yes ur honor i am indeed about to break my own fic chapter down. im autistic enough for that

mara starts in the bed of flowers with rue -> they run off and find the red crown -> mystic seller convo -> they go to notus village -> mara ends the chapter by falling asleep

these are our storybeats. now we have to figure out the inbetweens. why does mara run away?? they cant just run away. there has to be a reason for them to do it. where do they find the red crown?? why would they put it on?? they dont want to be a god, they wouldnt just put it on. what makes them?? ignore as i skip over the mystic seller convo def not a reason for that they go to notus village. how?? how are they getting there?? they dk where that is. theyre not just gonna wander in. mara falls asleep. how do we get to that point?? they cant just walk into the village and pass out. (i mean. they can. but that would be an incredibly lame way to end a chapter.)

every beat also has to have a reason. not only are there story beats for each chapter, theres also a wider narrative. what is each beat leading to? why does this beat need to be established?? what plot point are we trying to reach that these things connect to?? essentially yeah. things need to have a reason.

another important thing. it doesnt have to be perfect the first go around. if you cant figure out a conversation or even an entire scene when youre trying to work on it? you can skip it!! you can add a silly note and come back to it once youve written more and have a better grasp on what you want to happen.

push yourself to write but dont push yourself to write. what i mean by this is essentially yeah. sometimes when you sit down to write you have no idea where to start. you want the first line to be cool but uh... you dont know how. just start writing. even if its literally just "this thing happens blah blah blah anyways" ive written that exact sentence before!! it works. swings back around to "just skip it!! you can come back later!!" just yk make sure you actually get yourself writing.

however if you sit down to write and youre burned out?? if your head hurts and it actually sucks and isnt fun?? dont. dont force yourself. sit down, take a break, do something fun. if you force it itll just get worse.

for now i think thats it?? thats what i can think of anyway. super messy ik but i hope this helps somewhat!! if you have any more specific questions feel free to ask

wanna ramble.. idk what about i just wanna ramble

[davosmymaster]

1 and 11? from the fanfic asking challenge

Thank uuu for the ask. (Really, i cant believe i got 2 bc I thought no one would be interested)

1. Do you daydream a lot before you write, or go for it as soon as the ideas strike?

Its a mix. Sometimes i think about a scene for days before actually writing it (which helps to develop it btw, i do whole scenes full of dialogue in my brain then write it down if something is really good). But one thing ive found out recently is that i tend to write stuff that seems meaningless and then while i write i have an idea for that thing i previously wrote.

For example, when I was writing that Marc left a sticky note in “fallen from heaven” I didn’t think id use it both to create insecurities in Steven about his relationship AND for the reader to reveal that Marc was a friend of hers, so later when Steven finds out who Marc is, he already knows the reader is collaborating in some way with Marc behind his back, but he doesn’t know to what extent.

I recently also found a way to include the plushie Steven gifted her at the very beginning of the story in part 3 as a means to further the plot. It’s like my brain says “SURPRISE MF!”

(god i really hope you read that story bc if not im gonna sound like an egotistical asshole)

11. Do you write scenes in order, or do you jump around?

I usually try to write everything in order but sometimes after hours of writing I just wanna get to a certain point and honestly ive just gotten out of a massive writing slump that lasted years just because i wanted every word to be perfect (so in the end i wrote nothing) so now i write whatever makes me happiest. If that means I write whole scenes or just dialogue bits of certain parts so be it. But as a rule of thumb i do write everything in order (except when i dont lol) keep in mind im a virgo so i dont really like doing this 😂😂😂 but i do

[purple-fireflies]

try to slip past his defense (without granting innocence)

A/N: Soy Luna Grey’s Anatomy au -- some plot devices will be the same, others may differ. (This is just an excerpt, I'll post the full chapter on ao3 & tumblr when I'm done with it!)

Other notes:

The title is from The Fray’s “How To Save A Life” which is basically the show’s anthem song (that and chasing cars)

Sometimes, certain dialogue may be verbatim from the show (this is only for medical-related plot devices, ie meeting patients, assigning lab reports, establishing exposition, etc) so I’m stating here right now that that specific dialogue belongs to Grey’s Anatomy, and the characters belong to Soy Luna, but everything else belongs to me

Juliana never had the last name given in the show, so for story’s sake, it’s Bahiense.

She’s referred to as “The Nazi” but that’s not meant to offend anyone at all, it was the nickname given in the show, so I’m transferring it here.

In Soy Luna, Ámbar is one year older than Luna, but here she’s the same age as her

In Grey’s Anatomy, there are only 5 people in each group of interns, but for plot’s sake, there are 7 each

In the show, Benicio’s name was never mentioned, so for writing purposes, his last name is going to be Calisto

Luna sits up quickly—bad idea.

She winces at the light coming in through the window and groans at her headache.

And someone stirs next to her.

Exactly how much did she drink?

Enough so she doesn’t remember the name of the smirky boy staring at her, pulling on his boxers.

She is never drinking again.

And he needs to leave.

“You are?” He asks, grinning the grin that probably got Luna into this mess.

“Humiliated on so many levels,” She mutters, “And I’m late, as well. So if you could just, I dunno, leave, that would be perfect,”

“Or we could pick up where we left off?” He asks, with a grin that tells Luna he isn’t used to being rejected.

“No, seriously. I’m late. Which I shouldn’t be on my first day of work, so?”

Take the hint.

“Wait, so you live here?”

Jesus Christ, she’s going to be late.

“Huh? Oh yeah, it was my aunt’s house, but I’m selling it so technically, not for long.” She rushes out.

“I’m sorry,” He replies, actual emotion in his eyes.

“My aunt is still ali—you know, we don’t have to do the thing,”

“We can do whatever you want,”

Really?

“No, the thing. Where you pretend you care or ask me nice questions or whatever. Listen. I’m going to go upstairs and shower, and when I get back, you’re not going to be here, uh…”

What was his name?

He laughs softly, “Matteo.”

“Luna,” She replies, shaking his hand.

“Bye, Luna,” He says winking at her.

She smiles in response and jerks her head towards the door.

“Bye, Matteo,”

And that’s the last she has to see of him.

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

“Each of you comes here hopeful. Wanting in on the game. A month ago you were in med school being taught by doctors. Today, you are the doctors. The seven years you spend here as a surgical resident will be the best and worst of your life. You will be pushed to the breaking point. Look around you. Say hello to your competition. Eight of you will switch to an easier specialty. Five of you will crack under the pressure. Two of you will be asked to leave. This is your starting line. This is your arena. How well you play? That's up to you,” The chief, Tamara Rios, says as Luna stumbles into the room, causing everyone to stare at her.

Great job, Valente.

Luna walks around the room. She sees Ámbar, avoiding her gaze as if it was poisonous. She sees another girl, a brunette, looking around the room with wide eyes. She sees Simón, looking back at her, and resists waving at him as a kindergartner would. She walks around the OR a little more and sees two girls so close they might as well be stuck together, one a blonde and the other a redhead. She bumps into another boy, who just huffs softly and brushes her off.

Rude.

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

The resident takes 3 more interns, leaving Luna with the brunette she saw at the orientation.

“Only 6 women out of 20,” She says, sighing, as if mad at the statistic itself.

“And I think one of them’s a model. As if that would’ve helped with the whole respect thing,” The redhead interjects.

Luna and Ámbar share a look.

Luna turns to the brunette.

“You’re Nina, right?” She says, smiling.

Nina nods, “Which resident did you get assigned to? I got Bahiense.”

“The Nazi? Me too,” Luna replies.

The guy who bumped into her says, “You got the Nazi? So did I. At least we’ll be tortured together,” He says, trying to lean into Luna’s space.

Luna and Nina exchange a quick look saying, God, can you believe him?

A doctor comes up and calls out “Smith, Valente, Ponce, Simonetti, Medina, Sánchez, Álvarez,”

Ámbar walks up to the guy and asks, “Bahiense?”

He points down the hall.

The seven look down to see who he’s pointing at. It’s a woman slightly shorter than them, using a cane to stand up, ordering some other resident around.

The guy who bumped into her says, “I thought the Nazi would be a guy,”

Sexist much?

“I thought the Nazi would be...you know, the Nazi,” Luna mutters.

“Guys seriously? Maybe it’s just professional jealousy. You know, maybe she’s just brilliant and they’re so jealous so they call her the Nazi. Maybe she’s nice.” The redhead says, and Luna sees her nametag saying Jimena Medina.

The blonde next to her, Yamila Sánchez, Luna supposes, nods.

Which means the only one left that she doesn’t know would be...Luna cranes her neck to see his nametag.

Ramiro Ponce. Who is currently staring wistfully at Yamila.

Please.

“Let me guess, you still have hope left in your heart,” Ámbar says to Jimena, rolling her eyes as if it’s what she was born to do.

Jimena shoots Ámbar a dirty look (wow, Luna wishes her luck with that can of worms) and proceeds to try to shake Dr. Bahiense’s hand when she walks over.

Dr. Bahiense looks at her hand as if it’s infectious.

Jimena, undeterred, continues to say, “Right, well. I’m Jimena Medina, but you can call me Jim if it’s easier,”

Yamila, who seemed to jump out of thin air, says, “And you can call me Yam,”

Bahiense looks so unimpressed Luna thinks that if contempt alone was enough to murder someone, Bahiense would be a serial killer.

Luna shares a quick look with Simón, who gives her a reassuring nod.

Bahiense looks them all up and down, evidently annoyed with being stuck with their group (ouch).

"I have five rules. Memorize them. Rule number one, don't bother sucking up, I already hate you, that's not gonna change,” She starts, then moves to a bench, filled with different objects, “Trauma protocol, phone lists, pagers. Nurses will page you, you answer every page at a run. A run, that's rule number two. Your first shift starts now and lasts forty-eight hours,”

Everyone rushes to grab their pagers, studying them before Bahiense starts talking again.

“You’re interns, grunts, nobodies, bottom of the surgical food chain, you run labs, write orders, work every second night till you drop, and don't complain!”

Bahiense opens what Luna supposes is an on-call room, “On-call rooms. Attendings hog them, sleep when you can, where you can, which brings me to rule number three, if I'm sleeping, don't wake me, unless your patient is actually dying. Rule number four, the dying patient better not be dead when I get there, not only would you have killed someone, you would have also woken me for no good reason, we clear?”

Luna rushes to nod, writing furiously on her notepad, and then goes, oh.

She raises her hand.

Dr. Bahiense looks extremely pissed at Luna for having the audacity to have a question.

“Yes?”

“You said five rules. Those were only four.” Luna says, trying not to wilt against Dr. Bahiense’s gaze.

“Rule number five. When I move, you move,” She says after her pager beeps.

That’s some TV show shit right there.

They break into a run and watch as Dr. Bahiense runs down a couple of doctors.

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

The helicopter—yes, a helicopter—lands, and a doctor pulls out a teenager on a stretcher.

This is way too much for Luna on her first day.

“What do we got?” Bahiense asks, and Luna hears Nina correct the grammar under her breath.

As the paramedic puts the girl on the stretcher (while she’s seizing) he says, “Katie Bryce, fifteen-year-old female, new-onset seizures, intermittent for the past week, ID lost en route, started grand mal seizing as we descended,”

Bahiense stops, leaning on her cane for a second, and then it’s all business.

“All right. Yam, put her on the side, 10 milligrams diazepam,” Bahiense groans when Yam does it incorrectly, “No, no, the white lead is on the right, righty whitey, smoke over fire, a large-bore I.V. don't let the blood haemolyse, let's go!”

Yam injects the diazepam and Katie stops seizing.

Luna releases the breath that she wasn’t aware she was holding.

Another doctor, in dark blue scrubs, another doctor comes up in stark contrast to what she and the other interns are wearing. Luna catches his name very quickly. Gastón Perida.

Nina sucks in a breath as he walks past them, Luna realizes with a start.

“So I heard we got a wet fish on dry land?” Dr. Perida says, and Luna catches how Nina stares at him with intent.

Dr. Bahiense, her sudden brashness gone, replaced with respect as she says, “Absolutely Dr. Perida,”

Dr. Perida nods, his eyes brushing over the intern group, stopping at Nina, and he then continues.

“All right, Dr. Bahiense, I’m gonna shotgun her,”

“That means every test in the book, CT, CBC, chem. seven, a tox screen, Nina and Ámbar, you're on labs, Ramiro and Yam, patient workups, Luna, get Katie for a CT, she's your responsibility now,”

Wonderful. Her first day and she gets the really hard patient.

“What about me and Simón?” Jim asks.

Bahiense looks so tired when she stares at Jim, “Right, you two, uh. You get to do rectal exams. Okay?”

Jim and Simón have faces that say no, not okay.

Luna makes a face gloating at Simón and he just glares at her in return.

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

Ámbar peeks into the OR where Dr. Bahiense is. Bahiense comes out and looks at her expectantly.

“Um, Katie Bryce's labs came out clear, there's nothing in the results that explain her seizures,” She says, hoping to catch Dr. Bahiense to ask her what she really wants to ask her.

“And…?”

“ I heard every year the attending on-call picks the best intern and, and lets them perform a procedure, during the first shift?” Ámbar asks, glaring back at Dr. Bahiense when she tries to stare her down.

Ámbar Smith does not get stared down.

“Go away. Now.” Dr. Bahiense says, and Ámbar groans internally.

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

Yam sighs at yet another ill-tried joke Ramiro attempts.

Flirty in med school and flirty now.

Why should she even bother?

“We have one more patient to work up,” She mumbles and he nods, walking slower to keep up with her pace.

She places her stethoscope and hears for a heartbeat. “Everything seems to be in order,”

“So he’ll be fine?” The woman next to him—presumably his wife—asks.

“If you don’t count that my bacon days are over, sure,” The patient replies.

Yam shares a smirk with Ramiro.

“You'll have surgery tomorrow with Dr. Perida, I hear he's good, and after that, you can have all of the bacon-flavored soy product you can eat,” Ramiro interjects, speaking easily with the patients.

“Please, kill me now,” the patient jokes.

“Wish I could, but I took the Hippocratic Oath for a reason,” Yam replies absently, going over and signing his charts.

She blushes at the weird looks she gets and rolls her eyes at Ramiro’s never-ending smirk.

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

Katie. Won’t. Stop. Talking. Which isn’t helping Luna find her way through these halls.

Did she just miss the last turn?

“You’re lost,” the kid says, grumbling.

What do you think I’m trying to fix right now? Luna thinks to herself and just about stops herself from saying.

“I’m not lost.” Luna insists, then remembers she’s a doctor, “How’re you feeling?”

“I’m missing my pageant. How do you think I feel?”

“Right. You’re missing your pageant.”

This poor girl is in the hospital with seizures and the only thing that she can think about is her pageant.

Luna feels sorry for her.

“The Spokane Teen Miss? I was in the top ten after the first two rounds. This is my year. I could've won,”

Luna absently hums and realizes that they’re going the wrong way. Again.

She turns around and pushes Katie back the same way.

“You are so lost. What are you, new?”

Luna chokes back a laugh. Yeah, something like that.

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

Yam watches Ramiro try to give their patient a central line. It’s not working.

And it’s visibly hurting the patient.

She groans and pushes past him, about to put the line in when Dr. Perida waltzes into their room and raises his eyebrows.

“Out.” He says, his nice demeanor replaced with annoyance.

Do all of the residents and attendings just hate interns on principle?

Yam glares at Ramiro and pulls him out, watching from the window as Perida puts the line in perfectly.

“Bet you used to mess up a lot when you started out,” Ramiro tries to joke with Perida.

Yam just winces and nods at Dr. Perida as she leaves.

Ramiro at least has the decency to look sheepish.

This is going to be a long shift.

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

Luna sits, taking Katie’s patient history and generally listening to her incessant babbling.

“I twisted my ankle. I do rhythmic gymnastics, which is like, really cool. Nobody else does it. And I tripped over my ribbon, and I didn't get stuck with someone this clueless. And that was like, a nurse,” Katie says.

Luna bites back a retort.

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

Simón groans at the plate of food in front of him. The number of rectal exams he and Jim had to do was enough to take the appetite away from anyone.

“This shift is 80 hours long, you have to eat, Simón,” Ámbar mutters, her gaze hardening after leaving Simón’s eyes.

“I can’t.”

��Eat.” Ámbar insists, pushing Simón’s plate towards him.

“You try eating after performing 17 rectal exams. The Nazi hates me. I want to puke.” Simón says, his face contorting.

“Just don’t puke near me,” Ámbar mutters.

“The Nazi’s just a resident. Attendings hate me,” Ramiro replies.

“Did you know Luna is inbred?” Nina asks, and all heads whip to her immediately.

Partly because no one expected the shy ingenue to say anything.

And partly because Luna being inbred is very surprising.

Simón hurries to say “It’s not uncommon to be the kid of a doctor,”

“I mean royally inbred. Her mother is Lili Benson.”

“Shut up. The Lili Benson?” Jim asks.

Nina nods.

“Who’s Lili Benson?” Ramiro asks.

“The Benson method? Where’d you go to med school, Antarctica?” Yam says incredulously.

No one notices how Simón and Ámbar tense up as Yam continues talking. “She was one of the biggest women surgeons. She practically invented th—”

“She won the Harper Avery. Twice.” Jim says, rolling her eyes at Ramiro.

“So I didn’t know one thing.”

“I would kill to have Lili Benson as my mother. Scratch that, I’d kill to be Lili Benson.” Nina says, her eyes alight.

“Katie Bryce is a pain in the ass. I swear if it wouldn’t get me fired, I’d strangle her with my bare hands.” Luna says, walking over to their table, sitting next to Nina.

She seems to miss the wistful glance Simón throws her way.

She does seem to notice the way everyone’s staring at her.

“What?”

Nina opens her mouth to say something but stops immediately when Dr. Perida walks over.

“Good afternoon interns. It's posted, but I thought I'd share the good news personally. As you know, the honor of performing the first surgery is reserved for the intern that shows the most promise. As I'm running the OR today, I get to make that choice,” Dr. Perida says, and Luna feels a rush of hope.

Or. Felt. Seeing as Dr. Perida is clapping Ramiro on his back (it was kind of worth it to see him choke a little on his salad) and saying, “Ramiro Ponce. You’ll be scrubbing in on an appendectomy this afternoon. Congrats.”

Luna deflates.

She wanted that surgery.

She wanted it really badly.

“Me?” Ramiro asks, not quite believing it. Or maybe he’s just wilting under Yam’s intense glare.

“Enjoy.” Dr. Perida says, nodding to everyone.

Luna doesn’t fail to notice that he’s staring at Nina while he says that.

Nina doesn’t fail to notice either, if the blush on her cheeks has anything to say about it.

Ramiro looks like he’s still in shock.

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

“I’ve seen his file. Ramiro Ponce barely even made the cut to get into the program. He’s not your guy.” Juliana says to Gastón, raising her eyebrows.

“Oh, he’s my guy alright,” Gastón responds, absently checking the labs.

Juliana sighs, “Every year you pick your guy, and every year your guy suffers most.”

Gastón smiles. Everyone who knows him knows his easy nature, his inclination to being on the side of less serious.

Unless of course, it has to do with work.

“Terrorize one, and the rest fall in line, Bahiense.”

“I get it. I respect it. But Ramiro? Ponce is a puppy. A cute little puppy that is waiting to be killed. He can’t take the pressure. Think about it, Perida.” Juliana says, walking away.

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

Luna watches as Katie’s parents stumble into Katie’s room.

The look of pure worry and fear on their faces makes Luna warm to them immediately.

A couple of hours ago, their kid was supposed to go on stage and wear a sash and be a kid.

Now they’re scared that their kid could be dying.

“Katie?” The mom asks, trying to hold her hand.

Luna falters, not wanting to break their little window.

“They gave her a sedative for the CT scan, so she’s just a tad groggy,” Luna says, standing up.

“Will she be okay?”

“Does she need surgery?” The parents ask at the same time.

Their urging faces make Luna wish she had an answer.

“Uh. You know, I’m not her doctor, I am a doctor, just not hers. Anyway, I’m not Katie’s doctor. I’ll go find him.” Luna rambles.

Luna finds Bahiense, “Katie’s parents have questions. Should I get Dr. Perida to answer them?”

“What? No. Perida’s off the case. The case is the new neuro attending’s case, Dr. Balsano. He’s over there.” Bahiense says, pointing to…

Oh god.

Please.

Not today.

This is not happening.

Matteo turns and stops dead in his tracks, his eyes clicking in recognition.

This is not happening.

Luna is not dealing with this.

She turns away from his gaze and walks away. What is she going to do?

She walks towards the stairwell and gets grabbed in.

She stumbles and Matteo catches her, running a hand through his hair, which Luna grudgingly admits looks not bad.

No. Luna. Stop it. Luna. No.

“Dr. Balsano. Did you need anything?” Luna asks, trying to not look at flustered as she is.

Matteo looks positively ecstatic at this turn of events. “Dr. Balsano? This morning it was Matteo. Now it’s Dr. Balsano.”

Luna dearly wants to slap that smirk off of his face.

“Dr. Balsano, we should pretend this never happened,”

“What never happened? You sleeping with me last night or kicking me out this morning because I don’t know about you, but both are memories I’d dearly love to keep.”

This guy really can’t take a hint.

“No. No. No. This is not happening. There are no memories of anything. I’m not the girl in the bar and you’re not the guy in the bar. I am your intern, Dr. Balsano.”

“I see how it is. You took advantage of me last night and now you want to forget about it.” He says, smirking incessantly.

“I most certainly did not,”

“I was drunk and vulnerable. Not to mention, insanely good-looking,”

“You’re not that good-looking,” Luna says, while her traitorous brain says Liar over and over.

“Sure I’m not. But last night, I was wearing my red shirt and I was extremely good-looking and you took advantage,”

He’s not entirely wrong about the red shirt.

“I didn—”

“Want to take advantage again? Say, Friday night?”

He’s smiling again, only this time it’s a smile, not a smirk.

Maybe Luna wouldn’t have said no if he wasn’t an attending.

“No. You’re an attending. I’m your intern. And I would seriously appreciate it if you stopped looking at me like that,” Luna says, glaring at him. It doesn’t seem to deter him.

“Like what?” He asks innocently as if he has no idea what he’s doing right now.

“Like you’ve slept with me,”

Matteo smirks.

“Dr. Balsano. Have you ever considered the fact that this is inappropriate?” Luna breathes.

He doesn’t say anything.

Luna sighs and leaves, the door slamming behind her.

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

“Open. Identify. Irrigate. Close.” Jim instructs, and Yam sighs.

“Jim, I think he’d know,”

“He looks like he’s going to puke,” Jim shoots back.

Yam looks at Ramiro and says, “We have to go to the gallery now. Don’t screw it up.”

They walk up and take a seat behind Luna and Nina.

The intern above them says, “He’s going to faint. He’s a fainter.”

Yam fights back a if you only knew.

“Nah, I’m guessing code brown. Right in his pants,” another intern snickers.

Yam and Jim share a look.

Sure, she’s not a huge fan of Ramiro but he helped her a lot in med school. He helped Jim a lot in med school.

This is just savage.

“He’s going to sweat himself unsterile,”

“10 bucks he’s messing up the McBird,” someone says.

Oh god, they’re betting on Ramiro.

“20 says he cries,” Ámbar says, and sends an apologetic look at Luna.

“I’ll put 20 on him melting down completely,”

“50 says he pulls the whole thing off.” Yam hears herself say.

Luna grins at her, “That’s one of us down there. The first one of us. Where the hell is your loyalty?”

Yam breathes out.

The entire gallery, while it was buzzing before, is now silent.

“75 he can’t even ID the appendix,” Ámbar says again.

This time it’s Simón shooting her the look.

“I’ll take that action,” someone says.

Eric, Yam realizes.

The idiot from their bio class.

Nina elbows Luna when Dr. Perida says, “Okay, Ponce, let’s see what you can do,”

Jim breathes in quickly and Yam also holds her breath.

Do it right do it right please do it right.

“Here it comes,” Simón says.

“Scalpel,” Ramiro says and the nurse hands it to him, echoing the word.

Ramiro takes it and everyone cheers.

Perida motions for them to shut up as Nina says, “God, he’s quite a bit of trouble,”

Ramiro gets ready to cut as Perida instructs, “More pressure.”

Ramiro manages to do it without any mishaps and then proceeds to say, “Pickups.”

The scrub nurse echoes the command and hands him the instrument.

They go on for a little bit, and Yam thinks he might actually pull it off.

Until it goes downhill after Ramiro takes out the appendix.

Perida mutters an angry remark as all the interns in the gallery call him Double O’7.

Jim shares a worried look with Yam and asks Luna, “What does 007 mean?”

Luna sends them an apologetic look.

“License to Kill.”

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

The cool air rushes into the basement that Bahiense’s interns have settled into.

The majority of them pile onto the gurney as Nina goes to the vending machine looking for some chocolate.

Luna winces at the whine that Ramiro makes as he walks into their “hideout”.

“They’re calling me 007 aren’t they?”

Luna groans and shoves Simón’s head off of Ámbar’s lap so she can fall asleep in it.

She’s too tired to deal with any human interaction that requires her to, you know, have any sort of emotional security.

“No one’s calling you 007,” Jim and Yam lie (but they do it in unison so like, props).

Ramiro shoots Yam an annoyed look, “I was on an elevator and Eric whispered 007,”

Ámbar pushes Luna’s head off of her lap and glares at Ramiro, “How many times do we have to go through with this? 5, 10, 15? Please tell me soon or I’m going to rim your head off.”

Ramiro sits on the gurney and groans “Eric whispered 007 in the elevator and everyone laughed,”

Luna picks her head up from where she’s trying (unsuccessfully) to fall asleep and actually feels sorry for the guy for a second but the aching limbs and pounding migraine make it kind of hard to console the poor guy.

“They weren’t laughing at you,” Jim says.

“You sure?”

“Would we lie to you?” Jim asks.

“Yes,” Ramiro, Ámbar, Simon and Luna say.

“007 is a state of mind,” Nina yells from the vending machine and throws a packet of chips at Luna as she walks back.

“Says the girl who finished first at freaking Stanford,” Simón yells at her.

Nina just rolls her eyes in response.

Just as Luna finally feels the call of sleep, her pager beeps.

She just wanted 5 minutes.

“It’s 911. Damn. I gotta go,” and Luna takes off at a sprint.

“I should’ve gone into geriatrics. No one cares if you kill an old person.” Ramiro continues after Luna leaves.

“Yes. Yes, they do care if you kill an old person. Plus. Surgery is hot. Geriatrics is… Well, it’s for freaks who live in the basement with their mom,” Simón replies.

“I have got to move out of my mom’s,” Ramiro mutters.

Nina and Ámbar share a grin.

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

Luna’s out of breath by the time she gets to Katie’s room.

She really has to go to the gym more.

“Finally,” Katie mutters.

Luna looks around, seeing if anything’s wrong.

Oh god, please tell me she has a good reason for this. She has a good reason. Maybe. Hopefully.

“Are you alright?” The nurse paged me 911.”

“Ha, it took me forever to get her to even pick up the phone. I had to go full Hulk.”

“Wait. So there’s nothing wrong? Nothing medically wrong?”

“I’m bored.” Katie shrugs.

Luna likes to think she’s a nice person. A little absentminded at times, but a nice person nonetheless.

Katie, however, is really testing the whole “do no harm” thing.

“I am not your babysitter. I am not your cruise director. You can’t just page me for anything.”

“Don’t be so overdramatic. My pageant is supposed to be on cable, but it’s like this hospital lives in the ’90s. I can’t find anything. If someone who’s not me gets the crown, I should at least get to see it.”

Luna takes a deep breath. She’s a teenager. You were also stupid as a teenager.

“Okay. This is a hospital. There are sick people here. Go to sleep and stop wasting my time.”

“I can’t sleep, my head’s all full.”

“Those are called thoughts. Run with them.” Luna says in a fit of anger.

She’s been working for almost 24 hours and she just wanted 2 minutes of rest.

But maybe she shouldn’t have snapped at a patient.

But that’s a lesson for another day.

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

Luna and Nina are in the ER when they hear a loud voice.

“4B has post-op pneumonia. Let’s get her started on antibiotics, okay?” An intern says to a nurse.

Someone didn’t tell the newbie not to piss off the nurses.

“Are you sure it’s the right diagnosis?”

“Oh gee, I don’t know. I’m only an intern. But here’s an idea. You go and spend 4 years in med school and then talk to me. She’s got shortness of breath and fever. It’s post-op pneumonia. Start antibiotics.” He sneers.

Luna rolls her eyes.

The same guy walks over to her and Nina, “God, I hate nurses. I’m Benicio. I’m with Jeremy. You guys are with the Nazi, right?”

“You know it doesn’t have to be pneumonia, right? It could be splinting. Or she could have aPE.”

He sneers again (does it ever leave his face?), “As I said, I hate nurses.” and walks away.

“Well, he’s an absolute idiot,” Nina says, shooting daggers towards Benicios across the room.

Luna’s about to respond, but her pager beeps again.

“Dammit, Katie.”

This time she walks.

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

[dangerous-disposition]

On Tragedy vs. Bad Endings

[Image ID: user @frostyfrogz​ replied to your post “my mag171 #thots: I fully agree with. I love jonmartin I want nothing but the best for them. I know my answer today was an obvious twisting of dialogue but its just frustrating sometimes because it seems like people dont understand some sort of tragedy will indeed happen. I have never and will never suggest that something will happen to Jon and Martin’s relationship I’ve just been saying the shows not going to end well no matter what.]

So I have a lot of thoughts about this very subject, and too much for the replies on my post, so allow me to try to articulate what I mean, and what a lot of us mean when we say “it does not make sense for either Jon or Martin to turn evil in the end,” even in a show that has been advertised from day one as a tragedy.

First of all, no one thinks this is going to end happy. The few who do are usually unaware that this show is billed as a tragedy, and are quick to be corrected. I didn’t know it was a tragedy until I was on season 3 and someone told me. It’s overall just best to assume that the OP knows it’s not going to be a happy ending, because “reminding” people or “explaining” to people that the ending is going to be sad is a fast way from people to get annoyed and defensive.

Anyway! It appears, above all, that people have either fundamentally different ideas of what a tragedy is or accomplishes, or that people have a fundamentally flawed understanding of tragedy and it’s place as a narrative device/theme.

My thoughts are that tragedies hurt, and tragedies can be devastating, but they have to have a message and they should not be cruel to the audience.

A cruel ending would involve leading the audience to believe one thing for the entire book, show, movie, podcast, what have you, just to rip it away at the last minute like a big “fuck you” to the audience. Those sorts of endings are inherently mocking of the audience, and ultimately disrespectful. The only people in the audience that “benefit” from this sort of writing are the cynics who spent the entire show talking down to everyone for seeing the silver lining in the impending tragedy, even if, up until the finale, the silver lining was always part of the narrative. Like it took actual twisting and outright ignoring of the narrative as it’s written to be cynical and sceptical all the way until the end.

That is, plain and simple, bad writing. Jonny Sims is not a bad writer.

Now tragedies often have “happy endings,” they just also have an element of sadness colouring that ending. A good, tragic ending should, in my opinion, feel bittersweet. We should see it coming, we should know it will hurt, but it should be for the greater good and should further the narrative that has been told from the beginning.

I said a few weeks ago that a tragic ending without a silver lining is just torture porn, and I stand by it.

Now, if Jon or Martin are revealed to be Actually Evil in the end, where is the silver lining in that? What narrative has even possibly hinted at this outcome, without putting on cynic glasses?

Every single plot point and plot “twist” in TMA has been clearly detailed, never relegated to pure subtext that you would have to comb through a single interraction and analyzing the tone in which it was said (which could easily be actor shortcomings or error). They have always been obvious, at least in hindsight. This is why, for a while, I subscribed to the Web!Martin theory, but due to recent episodes I’m more inclined to believe those “obvious things” were red herrings.

Throughout The Magnus Archives, the common theme in every. Single. Season finale is that “we are stronger together.” What do I mean by that? Well, here’s the general idea:

Season 1: The one time someone gets separated by the group for any significant length of time, like I mean the main group, she gets killed by the NotThem and replaced.

Season 2: Jon is alone, due to his intense paranoia and his reluctance to reach out for help. This leads to a disastrous series of events that leaves him a suspect of murder, and his friends even more doubtful of his character.

Season 3: In the episode just before they deal with the Unknowing, Jon literally says that isolation was his downfall, and he was going to work on trusting his friends more. When they got separated during the Unknowing, things went to shit. When they found each other again, they were able to rally and they “succeeded.” Conversely, they are also teamed up with Melanie and Martin who hung back to bring down Elias. They were successful, working as teams on separate objectives, etc.

Season 4: This is, by far, their most “successful” feats while simultaneously their least. The whole season was again showing the downfalls of isolation. In the season finale, Jon has Basira and Daisy’s help, and while bolstering himself with their strength, and the strength in his conviction to save Martin to be with Martin, Jon was successful in stopping Peter Lukas and saving Martin. Conversely, Martin and Jon’s isolation in Scotland could be, theoretically, implicated in how Jonah Magnus was able to succeed in the end like that.

Now evidence of this same train of thought in season 5? Jon literally says it: Gertrude would not have done well in this post-apocalyptic world, because she had no friendships, no anchors, no reason to stay human. And then Jon says “you are my reason” to Martin.

It is in the text of the story that the only way to succeed, or win, or survive, is through trust, friendship, and love. One of the main factors in so many of the statements, on why the statement givers succumbed to the fear in their story, for even a moment, had to do with very little personal ties to anyone else. Many of the statements feature isolation and, as Jon put it, “lack of corroboration.” On the flipside, many of the statements that ended with the statement giver escaping successfully, and surviving long enough to be reached out to for follow-up questions, involved them having close personal ties to someone else that kept them safe, somehow. Like the girl from Italy; remembering her mom saved her from the Lonely. Or, more ridiculously, the guy and his dog that escaped the spiral because he was so distracted by his dog and had to be home for dinner. In MAG170, it was Martin’s love for Jon, and his trust in the love from Jon and his friends, that saved him from the Lonely again. Jon’s incredible amount of love, and respect, and trust in his friends is what’s kept him from becoming another Jared Hopworth or Jude Perry. In MAG155, Cost of Living, he expresses open disgust in how that particular avatar of The End justified her actions, killing and killing and killing again because she viewed herself as more worthy of life than that person. In that same episode, he talks of not blinding himself because he hopes to use his powers to protect his friends, that without them they’re too vulnerable. Honestly, this is the same reason Peter Lukas is unsuccessful, because Martin only helped him at all to protect his friends. The fact that he didn’t see his failure coming was hilarious.

Gerry said in Family Business that there is no “entities of love”, and that might be true, but love and trust is literally what saves you from fear. How many of us deal with things that are scary in our lives, if only because we have some level of trust in the people or things around us. How many of us have been brought out of a panic attack by someone we love and trust?

So all of this has been presented to us, over and over and over again, which is what I, and others, mean when we say “it does not make sense for one of them to be evil.” That’s what we mean when we say “it would be Bad Writing to make one of them evil in the end.” The entire show has driven home the message that we need love, we need personal connections to survive fear. To rip that away from the main characters at the last minute and call it “tragedy” would be a spit in the face of every single listener who took the story at face value, without picking it apart and reading lines out of context. And Jonny Sims and Alex J. Newall have both said they hate lazy writing.

Now, none of the JonMartin fans I follow are deluding themselves to think this show will have a happy ending outside of very self-indulgent fix-it au fanfics.

The way I see this going down is that Jon and Martin will figure out how to put the world back to the way it was, but Jon will not be able to be part of the new world with Martin. That’s the tragedy; that the world gets saved, and Jon helps save it, but he doesn’t get to benefit from his efforts in any way. The tragedy is Jon loves Martin so much, and they deserve their happy ending, but they don’t get it. But, they still saved the world so others can have their happy endings.

Idk about you, but between the “Jon turns evil in the end” and “Jon stays good and sacrifices himself to save the world” endings, only one of them has me in tears right now as I type this out, and it’s not the former.

I’m not against sad endings,I’m against bad endings that punish the audience for having even a bittersweet hope. I’m against sad endings that are just sad for the sake of being sad, with zero pay-off or reason to happen, especially when those endings throw out 5 years of hard work.

And hey, I might just be forced to eat my words in the end, but not before I fly all the way to England and make Jonny Sims eat a knuckle sandwich.

This was a lot longer than I meant for it to be, but I just have a lot of feelings.

[writingsfromhome]

Hot Waters

A/N: this one’s a little more dialogue, but you manage a hotel Harry stays at and have to help him with an issue.

Part 2

———————————————————

As a manager of an upscale hotel I saw a lot of celebrities filter through the door. I could probably write a book, my own version of a tell-all exposing some celebs for what they really were. Sometimes the nicest ones were the snappiest and other times, the ones you thought were rude and stuck up took the extra time to thank your staff warmly and treat everyone with respect.

I’m in for the evening—that’s when most of them came under cover of the night, when they didn’t want the papps to know they were in town. Tonight’s guest stays a few feet from the counter as his manager or whoever checks him in. A false name of course, James Smith.

I glance at the man, the soft curls and stylish outfit, strong jawline and lean body. I could tell it was Harry Styles, this was a first for me. I could add him to the imaginary tell-all book in my head: oddly mute but just as cute in person. He looks antsy, fidgeting with his phone.

He catches me staring and nods. I give him my best customer smile and get back to the man finding his ID to show me.

“Thank you sir, here’s the key cards to your suites. Enjoy your stay!”

They barely acknowledge me, he’s already grabbing Harry’s arm and pushing him towards the elevators. Cool.

I don’t think much of it until five minutes before I leave for the night. It had been a long day for me covering since the breakfast shift—the morning manager was out sick. I was ready to fall asleep on my ride home but one of my newer staff comes up to me urgently.

“Hey, Y/N, suite 1203, the man is really annoyed and saying his hot water isn’t working.”

“Did you tell him how to turn the hot water on?” I ask, thinking she didn’t do a thorough job.

“Yes,” she looks upset. “Like three times before he just asked to speak to someone else.”

“Okay...” I wander to the front and take him off from holding. I check our database ahead of time for the name, James Smith. Of course. “Hello Mr. Smith, I heard about your hot water. It should be working-“

“It’s not! I got in thinking it would heat up but I was drenched with ice cold bloody water!” He sounds like a child about to throw a tantrum. I found working for celebs was just like working for glorified children sometimes.

“No other suite has made this complaint, the hot water is definitely working. Would you like a staff member to come check?”

He finally sounds reasonable, “Yes please, that would be great.”

“Let’s go,” I tell the newbie, she was still in training so it would be a good opportunity. But just as I step out from behind the counter an elderly customer walks up and I have to leave her behind. Guess this was my last task before heading home.

I knock on the door 1203 and hear a shout from inside that it’s open. I try the lock but it isn’t so I just use the master key and slip inside.

“Hi, Mr. Smith-“

“We both know it’s Styles,” Harry...Mr. Styles is dressed in nothing but a towel around his waist. His hair is wet and he really looks like a teenage fantasy. And with the way my eyes are glued to his abs, maybe I was reliving some teenage fantasy.

“Mr. Styles,” I clear my throat but from the way his mouth quirks I know the silence between when he spoke and I responded was a little too long. Long enough to notice I was staring. Jesus, I had to stay professional. I recall how he sounded on the phone-he’s just a big man baby, I remind myself. I was just way too single. “I can show you how to turn the hot water on so you don’t run into this again. We apologise for the trouble.”

He sighs, “You don’t need to apologise love, I was just frustrated b’cuz a nice relaxing shower turned into an ice bath.”

I let out the breath I was holding and erase the entry I’d written in my head about him so far. Replace man baby with: don’t judge based off his first impression, might be as kind as everyone says?

“Well we’re sorry about that anyway,” I head to the bathroom. I try to ignore the way he’d made the room personal in such a short amount of time. It wasn’t my job to pry into my customer’s personal lives...but it was so tempting!

I head to the shower and show him where to turn to get the hot water. It was simple but he claims the showers he’s used to, have the hot and cold on opposite sides. I would have pointed out there was an H and C engraved into the handle but the shower is such a small space and he crowds over me as he pays attention, I didn’t want to stay any longer. I’m very aware his towel brushing up beside me is the only thing he has on. I stumble back and compose myself.

“Is there anything else I can get you sir?”

“Please it’s Harry, don’t call me sir. Makes me feel weird.”

“Right, Harry.” I walk out into the bedroom and he follows. “Do you need anything else?”

“Um,” he looks off to the side to think and I can’t help myself—I take the moment he’s distracted to drink him in. He was fine indeed. My eyes catch on his famous butterfly tattoo, actually all of them. It was cool seeing them in person.

“You have any of your own?” Harry asks and my eyes snap up. I feel myself get hot, he caught me staring! But he doesn’t seem angry, he seems to think I was looking at his tattoos. I roll with it.

“Don’t tell my mom but yeah,” I reply. I only had two and managed to keep them secret from my very traditional family. Harry laughs and asks to see them. I show him the wildflower curved behind my ear. His breath tickles my hand that holds my ear down to show him.

“How do you manage to hide that?” He asks. I’m suddenly self conscious he’s studying me so close.

“A little bit of foundation, a lot of wearing my hair down.”

“Surely your mum wouldn’t care that much—you’re an adult.”

“You haven’t met my mom,” I think about her. “She’d say something like, ‘my tattoos are the reason I haven’t settled down’ or something.”

“Bloody hell,” he laughs. I feel a strange high knowing I’m making him laugh, he was being so friendly. Like an old friend. It was rare, but sometimes I forgot a customer was a hot shot musician or actor when I had one-on-ones. That usually scored them a down-to-earth point in my imaginary book. Maybe I just caught him at a bad time earlier, I think as he points to his tattoos, “I don’t want to know what your mum would say to me.”

“Um, Sign my arm so I can ink it probably?” I joke. I warm as he laughs. “She’s actually a huge fan of you, always has plenty of commentary when we watch the award shows. Claims she dated someone who looked just like you in high school.”

Oh god, I was blabbering. But from his expression, he finds it amusing.

“That’s lovely,” he studies my face again and I try not to squirm. I retreat back into professionalism, about to ask if he needed anything before I left—my shift probably ended. But he asks, “You said there were two. What about the second one?”

My body feels prickly, this was a customer and I was about to flash him-well not entirely but showing him where my second was...it was a big no being who I was and who he was!

“Right here,” I casually slap the general area of my underboob when he continues waiting. He raises an eyebrows and I just bite my lip. I was past nervous—at this point I was surprised my legs themselves hadn’t given away.

“May I see?” He asks, his face is intimidating when he asks so seriously. At least he was being polite, and he seemed genuinely interested.

Wait, was I really doing this?

“I...don’t know if that’s the best idea?” I squeak. He flashes me a smile could make a grown woman like me take off my shirt to show him. But I’m frozen in place.

“Is it personal?” He asks. Oh my god he didn’t get why I didn’t want to show it. Maybe I was the one making it a big deal.

Okay, I would show him.

“No, it just requires me to untuck my shirt,” I joke. “But I’m off for the night now anyway so I guess I can...” Every tug of the fabric feels like it’s slow motion, the blood rushing to my ears sounds like the roar of the ocean. He steps closer to me—still only in a towel! And finally I lift up the shit to just under my bra, the tattoo is the words the sun will rise again curving under my boob. It was a gentle reminder I kept close to my heart, and Harry was the first person aside from my best friend I had shown this to. It was strangely intimate.

He reaches out his hand and stops halfway, realising where he would be putting his hand. He retracts it and lets out a nervous laugh. I almost sigh at the missed contact.

“That’s really beautiful. I like the quote,” he says honestly.

“Yeah,” I can barely meet his eye. “It’s a good reminder. I can think of like, 10 worst-case-scenarios at any given moment. So...”

I trail off. The tension in the room seems to have grown in the last ten minutes. I’m inhaling it, and Harry is breathing it. And when I finally make eye contact with him, I can’t tell if he’s judging me or just watching me. He’s chewing on his bottom lip just staring at me, I can’t help but feel initimidated.

“Maybe I’ll get going if you hav-“

“You’re off your shift?” Harry cuts me off.

“Well,” I check my watch. “As of ten minutes ago yes.”

“What would you say to joining me for a drink?” Harry asks. Was this a drink drink? Oh my god, is this what happens when you flash someone your underboob.

“I’m not sure if that would be appropriate,” I feed the automatic line we’re all trained to say. But inside, I’m muffling my heart that wants to say yes I though you’d never ask.

“Well,” Harry says. “You’re just providing superior customer service.”

“But I’m off the clock.”

“So hard working,” Harry jokes. “She stays even after her shift is over.”

“You’re also dressed in just a towel,” I point out. He looks down and even he seems surprised. I laugh, “So that won’t exactly go down very well with my boss.”

“Aren’t you the boss?” Harry asks, his eyes scanning his open suitcase to pull out sweats. He steps into the bathroom—where moments earlier he was demanding a hot shower.

“Sort of, I co-manage. But I don’t own the hotel so...I have to answer to someone. Hey-didn’t you desperately need a hot shower?”

Harry doesn’t even close the door, but a minute later he’s back out in sweats. “I did, it was a long day travelling and I wanted to relax. But you’ve managed to do that for me.”

“Nice to know I’ve got the same charm as a hot shower,” I say cheekily.

“You’ve got more charm than a hot shower,” Harry goes to the minibar. “Now what can I make you?”

“Oh you’re making the drinks? Here? I can just ask the staff to bring up-“

“No, just sit down. I’m taking care of this.”

I boost myself up onto the dresser and watch him mix drinks. This close, I can reach out and trail my hands over his tattoos, see the stubble coming into his face, see the dimension to his hair. I was so totally single, just being this close to someone remotely good looking turned me absolutely gaga.

“So tell me honestly, how this is,” Harry hands me the concoction, watching me closely. I take a sip and nearly snort it out, it was strong.

“I don’t think I could drive home if I drink all of this,” I cough. “That almost went down the wrong pipe.”

Harry takes a big sip of his and laughs, “If you’re driving, don’t take any more of this.”

I settle the flute down and Harry places his down beside mine.

“I don’t have anything else to offer,” he looks at me.

“I can still ring something up for you.”

“I think I already rang up what I wanted,” he leans in, he was flirting. With me! And I can’t help myself. I lean towards him too. I forget where I am and what kind of trouble I could land myself in if I let this go through. I can’t even think straight, I just want to-

His fingers on my face jolt me out of my hypnosis. I lean back and slide off the dresser. I could get fired! What was I thinking!?

“Where are you going?” His brows knit together as I move away from him.

“I should get going home, I’ve been in since 6am.”

“Oh course,” Harry clears his throat. “Yeah-sorry I didn’t mean to keep you.”

“No it’s fine,” I say. “I would love to provide some of that superior customer service. But I really am functioning on one bar right now. I’ve got to go home and recharge.”

“Recharge yeah? A hot shower maybe?” Harry teases.

“Hm, yeah if I can get the hot water to work,” I tease back and I swear he blushes.

“I know a place where the hot water works 100%,” he tilts his head to his bathroom. Now it’s my turn to blush and walk towards the door.

“Alright,” he sticks out his hand when I turn to say bye. I stare at it before realising he wanted me to shake it. “Goodnight.”

I laugh and take it, “Goodnight Mr. Styles.”

Oh for god’s sake, I’m caught staring into his eyes again as we shake hands. He doesn’t let go of my hand and I can’t break eye contact. Finally, he cracks a smile and I look away. I really had to go or I could not hold myself back.

“Don’t hesistate to contact front desk for anything,” I say as I open his door. “And maybe don’t drink too many of that whatever mix you made.”

He pouts, “It’s the only thing keeping me company tonight.” Maybe I was right, he was a big baby. But one who’s cheeks I wanted to pinch. I resist the urge and wave before heading to the elevators.

I let out a breath when I get on. If I wasn’t careful, the man in 1203 could land in me some hot waters, no pun intended. If I wanted to keep my job that I loved, I had to make sure I steered clear of him. For good. And maybe find myself a boyfriend. Because...that was a close one.

[ronnytherandom]

I started Writing My Thoughts On Things Again, I'm Sorry

15/8/2021:

Mass Effect Legendary Edition (Whole trilogy w/ all dlcs, Adept Class, Hardcore difficulty, 68 Hours):

Still brilliant! I adore this series. The first Mass Effect was one of the first games I ever played back in 2010 and Mass Effect 2 is one of the games I’ve played the most accruing several hundred hours over multiple playthrough from 2010 onwards, while Mass Effect 3 is a game I greatly appreciated but have more mixed feelings towards. Retrospectively as much as I liked the first Mass Effect, I did not nearly appreciate it enough back in the day. For a first entry in a new IP it is incredibly fleshed out with interesting Lore, an intriguing story and a cool galaxy to explore. I appreciate its combat far more now than I did back then but would still argue it is relatively weak in comparison to more modern titles and its own successors. Though the VA is rough in some places it is excellent where it matters, especially in the case of Sovereign whose iconic dialogue on Virmire is etched into my brain. A key element of the first mass effect I felt was sorely missing from the later entries was its exploration. While the galaxy grew routinely larger no game after the first had a drivable Mako, a vehicle I adore, and further lacked the opportunity to land on and explore the terrain of alien worlds for resources and side missions which I feel lends a lot to the atmosphere of the setting and could be made even more compelling using updated technology and a larger selection of assets and interiors which might have emerged from the higher budget successors. As it is I appreciate its inclusion in the first game. Mass Effect was also my first encounter with impactful choices in a video game and this is certainly something I appreciate but leads me to a major criticism specifically targeting the dialogue wheel layout as it is strange to me how you can puzzle out all of these possible dialogue outcomes but put exactly all of the positive outcomes behind the Upper Left dialogue option. While this is less pronounced in the First entry as the Renegade dialogue fills roughly the same purpose while sounding more badass, it becomes truer throughout the series as renegade options routinely just become nasty and exclusionary.

Mass Effect 2 innovates in some key ways which I have grown to appreciate more in the past 20 hours of play than I did when it launched. Primarily, its focus on characters and your relationships to them. Barring a couple of notable exceptions I found myself greatly invested in every single member of the Normandy crew and I think it’s a remarkable feat that each crewmate could be written to be so sympathetic, relatable and interesting in a world so full of appreciable elements. I would go into specific examples but id end up listing every character except Miranda and Jacob. This of course plays well into the Suicide Mission narrative which is perhaps my favourite overarching plot within the trilogy as it incorporates not just all of these incredible characters and plays upon your investment in them but also relies on the threat of both the Reapers and Collectors which are two excellently designed enemies which I find significantly more compelling than Saren and the Geth or Cerberus and the Reaper Husk Armies. Mass Effect 2 has a powerful horror element composed of the Collectors phobic horror and the reapers cosmic horror and it does wonders for the game’s atmosphere. I remember at this moment the Collector soundtrack which, like the rest of the soundtrack is absolutely excellent. Inasmuch as I would criticise it from a purely musical perspective for being simple at times and perhaps overly repetitive it perfectly fits the camp space opera that is mass effect. Galaxy Map and Suicide Mission are absolute bangers. I would hesitate to call the combat great. Playing the game as a weapon heavy class is superior, I’d argue as even with an armour build dedicated to decreasing ability cooldown it is too long to adequately utilise the powers of ability heavy classes like the adept. Additionally, ability play feels far more limited than in the game’s predecessor due to the limitation of this games skill tree elements which are frankly a step too far in simplifying the interface. It doesn’t massively affect enjoyment of the game but I couldn’t help but note every time I visited the abilities menu how much I missed Mass Effects abilities menu. So while I would say Mass Effect maintains a very well balanced game with regards to combat, roleplay and story, Mass Effect 2 eschews combat and mechanical roleplay in favour of an excellent story. Additionally while lacking an exploration aspect the more structured side-missions found by scanning planets throughout the galaxy create a lot of fun moments and interesting gameplay, emblematic of the fact that mission design vastly improves between this game and its predecessor.

Mass Effect 3 goes some way to resolve its predecessor’s imbalance as the majority of the game possesses enhanced combat, a much better abilities mechanic and an excellent story. First the addition of more mobility, loadout and engagement options benefits the combat greatly, while the addition of more complex enemy types than previous games pushes you to fully utilise these new options. A massive reduction in ability cooldown combined with liberal cooldown reduction bonuses in the skill tree means that abilities are very useful and versatile and you generally feel very powerful. Sometimes too powerful if you’re thinking from a balancing standpoint but given it’s a single player game this criticism is much diminished and being powerful is fun regardless. The skill tree system in this game forms a synthesis between its predecessors’ systems and comes out the better for combining a regular sense of empowerment with interesting choices within your own character build. All of this contributes to a much-improved combat experience, especially over Mass Effect 2. This also lends itself to the old multiplayer system which I honestly enjoyed when it launched (who cannot love a playable biotic Volus?) and feel is sorely lacking from this legendary edition. I would argue the only real problem with the multiplayer was requiring a player to engage with it in order to achieve the best story outcome; the actual multiplayer gameplay was thoroughly enjoyable and it gave players the opportunity to experience combat as an STG agent or a Krogan Warlord which were both fulfilling experiences from my memory. The aforementioned story is truly excellent and successfully builds off events in previous games but primarily succeeds due to Biowares exceptional character writing which persists from Mass Effect 2. Even in the case of its worst side mission content but especially in its primary missions the stakes and outcome of events are thoroughly compelling and the involvement of beloved Normandy crewmates is bound to incite intense emotions. This is possibly the only game that makes me cry multiple times throughout a normal playthrough. Unfortunately my goodwill often runs out when it comes to consider the ultimate ending of this series which I do not approve of. I admit there are mitigating factors: you should not play the mass effect series for the culmination of its plot. This series lives and dies with its characters and all of the major character arcs reach satisfactory endings before the final moments of Mass Effect 3, so the final moments have no real meaning as the thematic purpose of the series is achieved by galvanising the galaxy and uniting all these disparate races into a single force to fight the Reapers. Thematically the game is a success but the extent to which it utilises the choices the player has made, upon which the series builds its reputation, is limited in scope. This can likely be laid at the feet of the leaks of the original story ahead of the games launch which pushed the developers to create a new ending to avoid spoilers, but the quality of that ending is poor as it boils all the choices made throughout the series down to selecting the colour of a space laser. To make an odd comparison, this is why I think Game of Thrones’ and Mass Effect’s endings are different kinds of bad. Mass Effect reaches a fully satisfying conclusion in the moments immediately after launching the final mission, whereas Game of Thrones built its whole series asking the question “Who Will Sit The Iron Throne” With the final answer being “Actually, no one” after slogging through multiple series which did not live up to the quality of the first. Mass Effect answers its dramatic question of “Can Shepard Unite The Galaxy Against The Reapers” satisfactorily following sixty hours of excellent content and the colour of the space laser doesn’t actually matter. It just hurts to think that the finale could’ve been so much grander and more interesting. I would recommend the games, the disappointment of the finale doesn’t even come close to outweighing the grandeur that is the rest of the experience of Mass Effect 3, let alone the whole series.

There are only a few pieces of content I had not encountered prior to this Legendary edition playthrough. The Mass Effect DLC Bring Down The Sky is fun in that it adds an interesting combat experience with incredible stakes and immerses you in a stellar scale event, but the experience is very short. As part of the legendary edition I recommend it but having to pay extra for it at its time of launch I would have found it disappointing. Mass Effect 2s Overlord DLC is very good, introducing fun combat encounters, an opportunity to operate the fairly fun Hammerhead vehicle (even if it doesn’t live up to the Glory of the Mako) and explore a nice open environment with a truly haunting ending which is a kind of non-choice but it is gratifying to make that choice anyway. Additionally the visuals in the final station when interacting with the VI elements are very nice. The Arrival DLC is also quite fun, with a pseudo stealth section to open it, something which I believe occurs nowhere else in the series. The general element of operating solo is quite novel for mass effect as I believe outside of this moment, the opening of the Citadel DLC and the final moments of Mass Effect 3 there is no point where you fight alone. The indoctrinated nature of the project team does not come as a shock but regardless the dlc is enjoyable as a combat experience and the scale of destruction shown necessary to even slightly inconvenience the reapers lends a lot to the scale of their threat. I do not believe I played any DLCs in Mass Effect 3 before, insofar as I did not consider From Ashes DLC content as it was already on the disk and all buying the day one dlc did was activate it. Leviathan is very interesting from a lore perspective and does interesting things with its investigative process but I find it to be a relatively passive and uninteresting experience for the most part. Omega was more my style with a lot of good combat and interesting new enemies and a bit of bombast besides but still left me largely unmoved. Citadel was excellent but mostly for its “endgame” content rather than its story content. Despite featuring many hilarious moments throughout the actual plot it failed to interest me but I was definitely there for all of the fun character moments and the party is absolutely hilarious.

Ultimately a hearty recommendation but with tempered expectations for the finale.

Deaths Door (True Ending, 13.7 hours):

A Delight. Deaths Door is a charming little game about a bird that stabs things and I love it. It is incredibly impressive that this was made by a team composed of two people. The gameplay is fun in all regards. Navigation is a good time especially when all of the environments are lovely and full of personality. Obstacles come mainly in the form of puzzles and these are at a sweet spot between ease and frustration without being at all complex. Combat could’ve used a bit more work, primarily to create more meaningful distinctions between weapons or add a little depth, but it is still engaging and good fun. While the main bosses are challenging and satisfying to defeat, I worry over the side bosses; perhaps something could’ve been done to make them more distinct from one another? But a small gripe. I like the world, the aforementioned environments are well realised, the general aesthetic is artful and distinct and the story is good if slightly sparse. One notable element is the dialogue which is very good with a quick wit. The finale of the main game has the right amount of spectacle and weight while the endgame is cool and fantastical, with an ample supply of secrets and collectibles to find. Over all the music is incredible, soundtrack full of absolute bangers. I really enjoyed completing this game and I’d recommend it to anyone who’s into action adventure and souls-like games.

The Bad Batch (season 1):

This was Allright. To open I cannot overstate how good the animation and art of this series is. It is routinely beautiful and well-choreographed. Visually there are no complaints. The problems begin with the opening episode which I feel overpromised on a relatively dark take on the Star Wars universe by immediately dropping us into an Order 66 plot full of death, danger, brainwashing and the threat of an emergent empire. Now granted this series never explicitly promises that all of this would continue but I enjoyed these elements of the first episode and I was dissatisfied by their limited usage throughout the rest of the show. This is not to say I disliked the show, I did enjoy the characters who are all good fun, and most of the plots were good. This series I felt had a lot of filler episodes, which I’d simply describe as episodes I enjoyed less due to underwhelming plot or conflict, but they were still enjoyable despite what id perceive as a lesser quality. The show also “suffers” from what I’d called Star Wars Syndrome of Filonitis which is how Everything Must Be Interconnected, with regular cameos from extended universe characters which I feel is beginning to get a bit much. These features feel to me more often like nostalgia grabs rather than organically featuring a character in service of the plot and development. For example, I appreciate the Captain Rex feature as that served to highlight the inhibitor chip problem and drive the characters to seek a solution, however I appreciated Rafa and Trace’s feature less both because I’m less attached to those characters (especially Rafa) but also because the episode didn’t serve any particular purpose or create any particular set piece which couldn’t have been achieved without those characters. This is a similar issue I have with The Mandalorian, I adored season one as it was relatively self-contained and only featured vague or subtler references to the wider canon: to contrast season two is full of cameos from the wider universe sometimes for no reason other than to have a cameo when those roles could easily have been filled with new and creative content which doesn’t rely upon nostalgia to make something interesting. Ultimately Bad Batch is worth watching for the characters and the good episodes, it is fun and entertaining, it just has its issues.

Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure Part 1: The Phantom Blood:

Its uh, its not good. Now that’s a very broad statement, as to assess this show critically at all is to take it far more seriously than you should, but to be more even handed the show certainly has a bunch of fun elements. Only from a story perspective, there isn’t really that much there; and from a pacing perspective it needs to be seen to be believed. I’m certain that if you condensed the show down to a reasonable size for the amount of content it has, you’d probably have a movie with a two-hour runtime at most which would be quite enjoyable but on a whole this first part wastes about 80% of its time on overlong drawn-out internal monologues and the dilated timeframes of the show’s fights. It also has an annoying habit of overemphasizing the weight of a moment or the genius of a characters unexpected action usually with no less than three people commenting on any slight manoeuvre which ruins the pacing beyond belief. Now I understand this is a staple of the Jojo series, only part 1 handles it very poorly in comparison to later parts. The fighting is especially hindered by this as most actual combat usually involves only four or five punches but they tend to take twenty minutes getting to each one. Additionally, Johnathan Joestar is pretty boring as a character with no notable qualities aside from being good both morally and at fighting. The intrigue of the stone mask is cool but this part deals in that very little. Like I say though, Part 1 is still fun to watch if you can disengage your brain and admire the potent meme quality of the series. It is not “good” from a critical perspective but it is incredibly amusing and the campness gives it a degree of charm. If you just want to watch a bunch of beefy men shout at each other and perform magic punches this is a good time. Speedwagon, despite being the worst offender of the “Explain Everything Twice and Ruin the Pacing” category, is still entertaining for the awful accent and endearing character. He’s also definitely in love with Johnathan and I will not be taking questions on that. Baron Zeppeli has a cool hat. Theres a lot of fun to be had as the show embraces the weirdness of everything that’s going on. So, check it out, it might just be a So-Bad-Its-Good Masterpiece.

300 (film):

This film was not so great in my eyes. I think there was one particular shot of the landscapes around Sparta which I felt was visually cool but everything else about the film lacked quality for me, barring practical effects which have aged significantly better than the graphical effects. The visuals are largely uninspiring, the washed-out colour pallet doesn’t help. Perhaps the dialogue was amusing at release but for me it’s all been memed to death. I can’t say any of the performances are particularly compelling, nice to see Magneto and Faramir though. The action could’ve been good and there are certainly moments where it has impact, but the constant application of slow motion I feel reduces the sense of power that should be there, like watching people fight on the moon. Ultimately, I can’t stomach it for two primary reasons: Historical inaccuracy and Racism, which feed into each other. The values of the Spartans do not accurately reflect ideas that historical Spartans held to and I must ask why? Historical accuracy is the default state, so to usurp those ideas in favour of others means the author of the graphic novel Frank Miller and director Zach Snyder replaced those ideas with purpose, in order to make the film more appealing to a mass audience or to express their own ideas perhaps? And the values they chose for the Spartans were freedom, justice and democracy which were things the slaving and monarchical Spartans did not believe in at least in the modern sense. This reeks of an imposition of the propagandised values of western nations on a historical society. This in itself would not be so much of an issue without the demonisation and perversion of the Achaemenid empire and the peoples therein. To establish the primary conflict as one of Civilised white westerners against barbarous non-white easterners, when historically the conflict was between two nations of a broadly similar heritage both possessing facets of good and evil, in the early 2000s? It feels as though some reactionary interpretations of the War on Terror have simply been recreated here with classical history as window dressing. Add to that reactionary attachment to the battle of Thermopylae as a representation of the western world’s struggle against the eastern world, in addition to other more problematic interpretations, and this film plays straight into extreme right-wing ideas of race. Cannot recommend, there’s a lot more better things you could be watching.

18/08/2021: Darth Vader (2015) comic (incl. Vader Down event):

This was really cool. The first comic I’ve ever actually read so I don’t have much frame of reference but I certainly enjoyed this. It was compelling, I’ve blitzed through this whole run in a single day. I think it serves a valuable purpose of demonstrating Vader’s potential and development between Episodes IV and V, as well as the nature of internal conflicts within the Empire. A side note, it is amusing that Palpatine identifies infighting as a factor in the fall of the Sith Empire and yet encourages it for his own political purposes anyway.  I felt that the art and style was very good and fit well with the Star Wars aesthetic, though I couldn’t say if it is truly excellent or just standard: it certainly wasn’t bad, though I think a few designs such as Dr Aphra’s ship were hard to read as it were. Speaking of, I think characters new and old were well portrayed. The titular Vader is unmistakably the same character as appears in the classic trilogy, similarly for Han, Luke and Leia etc. And it was a pleasure to see Chewbacca absolutely destroy someone. The aforementioned Aphra I thought was fine but she lacks distinction to my mind, the real star was Triple Zero and by extension Beetee who I thought were excellent comic relief in addition to being a genuine threat, something I can’t necessarily say I felt with regard to the antagonists. This latter part doesn’t matter overmuch, I think the purpose of these antagonists was more to present Vader with pressure to fulfil his personal goals rather than actually oppose him and they work well in that regard, but are unmemorable beyond their basic attributes. What I think this comic does particularly well is create a kind of puzzle narrative and its almost thrilling at moments when Vader’s plots might be discovered. As a result of this I am looking forward to reading more comics in future.

The Suicide Squad (2021): Highly enjoyable! A big step up for the suicide squad as a franchise and a lot more fun, playing into a brighter and more humorous genre than its predecessor to good effect; This time with good editing, soundtrack, direction… well good everything in comparison. I enjoyed all of the characters and their acting particularly the rivalry between Peacemaker and Bloodsport and Margot Robbie is still fantastic as Harley. They all pale before King however, who is endearing beyond belief and a lot of fun to boot. The “villain” if that term is applicable is very interesting and actually threatening, no mere beam of light into the sky! And the willingness to engage in more mature elements such as gore and character morality is of immense benefit, serving to distinguish it from generally more childish superhero media and reach towards more interesting themes around colonisation, foreign intervention, America and such. Only a reach towards however as I don’t think it ultimately says anything beyond “This thing, kinda bad and dumb”. As I saw noted, it observes the theme but doesn’t comment on it which is a shame as that would bring it all together quite neatly. I feel it can drag a little at times and sometimes the dialogue and specifically its humour don’t hit right but the rest is of such quality that it hardly matters. It looks good, sounds good and offers a chance to engage in a little mindless and bloody violence. I hope Harley keeps the javelin.

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27/08/2021: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure Part 2: Battle Tendency: TW: Mention of Nazism, Discussion of Sexism

This is MUCH better. Part 2 covers most of the problems I had with Part 1. The Monologues are less egregious so the pacing is much improved; the lore is fully integrated into the story and creates a genuinely good narrative and Joseph is a much more compelling and interesting protagonist with a quirky and entertaining personality. The Pillar Men are excellent villains and the fights are fully engaging. Even when you know that Joseph will pull out a “And next you’ll say” twist at the end of a losing fight it’s still surprising simply by dint of the strange and wacky solutions he creates. And these adventures are even more bizarre, playing into the weird camp of the series which works so well. All in all, the quality is excellent here HOWEVER there are some highly problematic elements. The show being set in the 1930s is a neat part of the travelling through time factor of the series but when you’re globetrotting around Europe you need some solution to the problem of Nazis popping up everywhere and this show does not provide one, and fails so drastically to offer even a slightly critical perspective on the fascist characters. The noble sacrifice of Von Stroheim and his later resurrection and heroism serve to idolise a Patriotic German Nazi Officer, which is not good, and this unchallenged perspective on an Actual Nazi is troubling especially when the character himself is an unrepentant mass murderer. Additionally, the show has a horrible attitude towards women, who exist almost exclusively for sex appeal and romantic interest in this show. Lisa Lisa does demonstrate ability and character but when presented with genuine combat is relegated first as a bit of eye candy during the fight with Esidesi (notably eye candy for Her Own Son) and later as a Damsel in Distress during her fight with Kars. Women are frequently used as objects in this part; Caesar Zeppeli uses women as props by controlling them with his Hamon powers and Suzi Q exists only to be rescued from Esidesi and then to be romanced by Jojo. It’s pretty ridiculous to be honest. I am informed that this improves over the course of the series but as for this part in particular it is a lot of fun just so long as you can ignore some incredibly troubling portrayals.

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13/09/2021: Rick and Morty Season 4:

There is ultimately not much to say as Season 4 is simply more Rick and Morty and operates as such. It is good, even very good. It’s still very funny. Its voice acting is still the pinnacle of such work. It is still smart and has a lot of interesting ideas, only not to the extent of the copypasta fan boys. Its sci-fi universe is cool and its design and aesthetic are still excellent. I feel the show has passed a threshold however as there’s only so much time you can spend on the “dysfunctional family is dysfunctional theme”. I hope season 5 proves me wrong once I get to it, but season 4 is fun and I’d recommend it all the same, it’s just more Rick and Morty and I think that’s enough.

Shang-Chi and the Ten Rings: Spectacular! Very easily amongst the best if not The Best Superhero Movie (aside from Into the Spiderverse). To begin with complaints as they are limited, the colour grading was a bit dark in a couple of the fight scenes and in some moments of the climactic fight the CG effects are a little Too Much and distract from the central action of Shang-Chi, Xialing and a Dragon owning the shit out of a multiversal super spectre, which incidentally is fucking epic.  Additionally, the standard MCU comic relief dialogue is a little meh at times but what’s new there? They still need to get a handle on that, especially because this film was really strong when it was serious. As much as I love Ben Kingsley’s Trevor Slattery, he was just a tad much here. Aside from a few moments of weak dialogue however the rest of the film is excellent. Acting is good, effects are good, the film is quite beautiful primarily once Ta Lo is reached and the score is bangin. I appreciate most of all the fight sequences which to me look well-choreographed with interesting arenas which were always appropriate to demonstrate the characters abilities; the sequences serve to develop character and plot at key moments also. The way the camera is handled during the fights is also a big step up, with wide perspective and long shots rather than the snappy close shots of old which serve to really show off that choreography and don’t muddy your understanding of the flow of combat. There is a good thematic line throughout the film of reconciling the bad and the good of your familial and personal history, to understand yourself better and channel that into developing and achieving your ambitions and I adore how that ties in with Shang-Chi and Wenwu’s final confrontation due to the nature and treatment of the Ten Rings themselves. They are a very interesting fantastical element especially once Shang-Chi acquires them and the way that he utilises them create a very cool combat style I can’t wait to see more of, even considering that their full potential is yet to be unlocked. I additionally approve of how they have been differentiated from their comic counterparts which to my understanding are just slightly weaker infinity stones; thus, a one-to-one reproduction would’ve been a boring mistake to make. It’s a fantastic film, go see it.

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26/09/2021: Sable (20 hours, 99% complete) Sable has the makings of an absolutely fantastic game, it just has a few hiccups and hurdles to deal with. Thankfully most can probably be dealt with by patch as there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with the game; but a game should never be released in a state where it needs a patch to function normally. This game is incredibly buggy. Probably one of the buggiest games I’ve ever played at launch, and I preordered Skyrim. Most of my complaints are with the menus, which simply do not work properly sometimes, but there are other documented issues with collision detection and weird bike movement among others including one annoying persistent issue with the soundtrack being replaced by random ‘bong’ noises. For these reasons I cannot recommend the game Right Now until it is patched or if it is on a significant sale. However, once the bugs are fixed this game will be a stunning achievement. The story is good and leads to powerful emotional moments, aided along by an excellent atmospheric soundtrack and beautiful visuals. The style and colour give this game an exceptional look, though diminished by a fairly rapid day/night cycle. I understand that this creates a visual contrast to make the daytime feel more vibrant and impressive, but I would also hold the sun still in the sky if that were an option. The world is well built, with interesting lore and cool design work. Varied environments show off a range of colourful landscape all with their own distinct atmospheres and landmarks which are good both for navigation and exploration, this being the bulk of the game. Exploring these environments is satisfying for curiosities sake but also offers collectible Chums that I adore and an intriguing backstory and world history to consider. Riding a hoverbike is cool and fun, and the customisability is nice though I would take issue with the “balancing” of bike parts as the best bike can be acquired only a few hours in and must be bought, where bike parts earned through long quest chains pale in comparison. This annoys me as I believe players should be rewarded more for great deeds than for acquiring currency, besides which the quest bikes look cooler. This is of little importance however as the game is a very casual and chill experience, keeping an excellent balance where it is not strictly challenging but does maintain your focus and attention. This world is full of strangeness and a little sci-fi magic; though I would argue it could use more of this I think that would threaten to overwhelm the player when even this world’s most mundane elements are still stunningly cool. I think a thick coat of bugs covers what is ultimately a magnificent game with many cool things to explore and even marred by its worst features I still had a great time playing it.

27/09/2021: The Matrix

Brilliant. A very cerebral action movie which definitely earns its place as an iconic work of cinema and its clear to see why its influence is so widespread. Fantastic action with a clear and open perspective which utilises the interesting and dynamic cinematography that runs throughout the movie. I particularly enjoy how over the top the fights are in terms of environmental destruction and gestures as a whole, with a great deal of emphasis added by practical effects which I enjoy. Cool characters, good dialogue and excellent performances across the cast. And, an interesting world well-built and designed. The robots particularly are quite intimidating and I like their arthropodal form. All of the design works well to create the feeling of a greasy industrial post apocalypse which contrasts sharply with the boring homogenous simulation, the latter having its own value as a setting due to its familiarity which would’ve been especially prevalent when this film first released. I love the soundtrack, especially the final feature of Rage, but most of all I love how deeply you can read into this film and its meaning. Having watched many videos about it I was primed on the trans allegory going in and it is very clearly a present part of the narrative before even considering the context around the Wachowski sisters and their own experience. It is a very interesting part of the story and plays well into other themes built around deconstructing the illusions pressed on us by our society, drawing strong parallels between the struggles of living as a trans person and fighting against an imperialist capitalist society. It is worth watching for any of its constituent parts but together they form a magnificent work of art.

28/09/2021: Star Wars: Visions

The series is a bit of a mixed bag. It definitely overpromises with its first episode which is of a remarkably distinct style, is incredibly cool and has great wacky moments in addition to tasteful call-backs to the wider Star Wars canon. I love the umbrella sabre, it’s a fantastic idea and there needs to be more of them. From there a few episodes are fantastic, The Elder and the final episode, and id rank the Ninth jedi just below them, but the rest of the series is definitely not to my taste. The wide variety of styles on show are all fantastic and the animation is universally very good, just some of the plots are more childish than I would appreciate and the rest are simply not engaging for me to the point that despite a great deal of spectacle occurring I would often be distracted. It’s worth a look if you’re into animation and unique takes on star wars but I find generally lacking.

Django Unchained (2nd Watch) TW: Discussion of Racism and Slavery

Red Flag: Tarantino Movie is good. Very good. Stellar performances from Jamie Foxx, Kerry Washington, Leo Di Caprio, Christoph Waltz and everyone else in the movie to be frank; a special note for the trivia about Leo Di Caprio’s cut up hand during the dining room scene, a lot of respect for a man who can keep working through that kind of injury. We can go through a Tarantino Checklist say the film is well shot with beautiful environments; has excellent and witty dialogue with good attention to detail and mannerism; and finally has great and gory action which does not flinch from terrible injury and really appeals to a perverse bloodlust that seems to crop up from time to time in normal people. Strangely enough however, I could not recall if Tarantino indulges in his predilection for feet here. This film does indulge in Tarantino’s other predilection however and that’s the N-word, but here I respect it. Unlike his non-period works, the use of the N-word is a facet of slavery just as chains, whips and plantations are and slavery is the subject of this film which seeks to be historically authentic. If anything, the absence of the N-word would be very wrong in this case despite being the project of a white man as without it the film would lack the context of a key form of oppression that still exists today. I think Django does an excellent job documenting and commenting on the institution as it existed in the pre-war period. Django experiences every level of status a black person would encounter in this setting: first a slave, then a freedman, a black slaver and finally a Liberator and the final message of the film is that slavery deserved to be destroyed and any argument made for its return is horseshit which is kind of a “Duh” statement but with the state of modern politics and the state of education in the US it’s something that needs reiterating. You can interpret this beyond the bounds of slavery itself in addition, by arguing that there are existing powers in this world which seek to discriminate based on skin colour amongst other factors and create oppressed minorities for the benefit of a wealthy few with power and should the systems that create this environment be completely destroyed it would be cause for celebration. Beyond this I particularly enjoyed the historical authenticity of the environments, of the very varied biomes of the wilder parts of the US at the time, and the contemporary outfits especially King Schultz’ coat which I desire more than any item of clothing I’ve ever seen. The film is good at building suspense both in the moment to moment and through longer story arcs, particularly the second act, but I do feel like the 2nd act lulls a little, perhaps spends slightly too long reaching its climax. This is a great spectacle of a film which looks and sounds fantastic, puts excellent performances on show, tells a great story and has quite a bit of meaning bundled into it.

29/09/2021: The Road to El Dorado (Unfinished)

Despite not finishing it I think this film is actually really good. It certainly has a few elements which don’t fully gel with me but I enjoyed my time with it; I only felt like I should really be doing something else and that I wasn’t fully engaged with it, potentially as I’m not keen on cons and high stakes acting as it feels like a form of vicarious embarrassment for me which makes me immensely uncomfortable. Personal hindrances aside most everything about this film is excellent, I loved the animation and the very colourful world. The characters were fun, the voice acting good, the constant horniness was a great bonus also. I take issue with the music, much as it’s not my right to criticise Elton John, I feel it would’ve been better fully incorporated into the film. I enjoy animated musicals more when said music is diegetic and I think them beginning to employ non-diegetic music is part of what led to their downfall, outside of market saturation. Additionally, I was not a fan of The Trail we Blaze, just not a song that worked for me. I also appreciate the integration of 3d and 2d animation here as I felt the styles were reconciled better here than in most movies, especially for the time. I might take issue with what seems to be a plot about two Spanish men of the colonial age coming to central America and “enlightening” its people through humanitarian acts and music as that would reflect some troubling attitudes but I hold out hope that by the end of the film they decide to come clean about the lie, return the gold and help defend El Dorado from Cortez and his troops. Its enjoyable, I don’t feel drawn to finishing it though.

 30/09/2021: Hunters Moon, Ghost

Here’s a new one, music reviews. This single is pretty good I enjoy it a lot. Opens slow and gentle and rapidly builds into some strong rock with a very 80s feel which scans with Ghosts whole historical rock and metal style they’ve always employed but have gone in extra hard on since Prequelle. The lead riff the track opens on is really nice and I would love to have seen it explored further, but the heavier style that ramps up progressively as the song continues is still great climaxing on the 9/4 post chorus riff which goes hard as fuck and I love that bit especially. It feels like it would be spectacular to witness it live. The bridge is a moment I’m not so keen on, the initial bass work is a little bare bone and overly repetitive but it definitely picks up once the guitar and vocals come in, even if just for the final moments. The final chorus leads into a good finale though I think it’ll serve better on an album version with a transition into another track, as I usually prefer to be fair. Technically I enjoy all of the different sounds and effects employed on all the instruments, especially in that leading riff, all of which are played well with good time. The vocals are great as usual. It’s a great track, I feel it was maybe a little short and could’ve explored some of its musical ideas or given them a bit more time to breathe; perhaps less time could have been given to overrepresented elements like the bridge and given over to work more into the very atmospheric leading riff but this is still a hard and heavy rock track and I enjoy it greatly.

[xanderwithanx]

Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.