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rambling-at-midnight · 6 years ago

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Snowflakes Melt Too Quickly: Part 2

Okay, I’m sorry it took so long. I’m working on a bunch of other projects in the wake of Avengers: Endgame, but don’t worry, this is still going to get finished!

Pairing: Five x Reader

The Freeze

Day 6

Five knows a lot about patching up burns (you suspect he knows a lot about patching up wounds in general, or just everything in general) and he helps you to find a cream to put on your feet and arms. It stings like a bitch and you cry, too strung out and tired from the actual apocalypse to deal with more pain. He also makes a whole day out of clearing the ground a bit so it’s easier for you to roll your wheelchair around.

You appoint yourself to be in charge of the food. By some miraculous fluke, there is an emergency power switch that’s working, so you manage to keep the fridges running, which means there’s frozen food, power outlets, and pretty much everything you need.

Five must come from a pretty sheltered family. He doesn’t know anything about the one fancy coffee machine you’d pulled out of the wreckage of TVs and he also doesn’t know how to use the microwave, saying his is a lot older than that one. How old is his microwave? It’s not like microwaves have changed a whole lot in the past decade, but you digress. You’re just happy someone else has survived the apocalypse.

To pay him back for all his help, you turn on some music from some electronics you’d found in the back. The internet is still up, but you have a feeling there’s not going to be any updates to any sites or software any time soon. He hadn’t known what a tablet was or how a phone could be that small.

He must come from a really old-fashioned family.

At the end of the day, you pull out another version of one of the puzzles you’ve already made. One good thing about puzzles is that they never really get old. Five helps you for maybe thirty minutes before asking you about heavier topics.

“Y/N, do you have any family? Is there any way any of them could be alive?”

You put the puzzle away before responding. “I had my mom and my dad. My dad was at home, so I assume he’s dead.” You have to stuff your fist in your mouth to keep from choking out a sob at that callous statement. You hope he’s not dead, but you know, logically, that he is.

“Hey,” Five says softly, moving to sit next to you on the ground. “I know it’s hard. I lost my family too.” A shadow passes over his face and your heart aches for him.

You take a deep breath and blink quickly. You can’t close your eyes too long, though, because you can still see the moon exploding, like it’s been etched into the inside of your eyelids. “Yeah. And I was with my mom when… it happened, but she wanted to drive somewhere safe, and, well, everyone knows that a Costco is a pretty safe place to go if anything’s happening…” you wipe away a stray tear trickling down your cheek. “I ran back in here just moments before the fire hit.” Just thinking about it makes your chest feel tight.

“The fire?” Five repeats. “What fire? What happened, exactly, Y/N?”

“I’m sorry,” you gasp out. You can’t breathe. “I don’t want to talk about it. And don’t you know?” Accusing Five helps you breathe a little deeper, takes your mind off the fact that he’s the only person you’ll ever talk to again.

“Long story,” he says shortly, which he said yesterday. Maybe he doesn’t trust you enough to tell you his story, but honestly, if the two of you are the last people on earth, what’s the point of secrets?

You’ll ask him about it another time. Who knows, maybe he feels the same way about his story that you do about yours, but you can’t imagine Five, who, in the last day you’ve known him, being as weak as you are.

Day 14

You can’t believe how long it took you. Your parents told you all about his siblings, their special powers, and the whole Academy. They got Luther and Allison’s autographs, for heaven’s sake!

“You’re Five Hargreeves,” you blurt out one morning during breakfast.

Five quirks one eyebrow at you as he looks up from his strawberries and bread. You chose the less healthy option of a piece of ice cream cake, citing the excuse that it would get bad quicker. “Yes.” He draws out the word, making it clear he doesn’t really see why it’s important.

“But you disappeared years ago,” you say, abandoning the rest of your cake. You were almost done with it anyway, and this new development is certainly interesting. “And that means you’re about thirty years old. So why do you look my age? And how did you survive?”

Five sighs and puts down his fork. “I’m assuming you know my power.”

You nod.

“Well, another part of my power is the ability to time travel,” he explains. “Unfortunately, it was not a skill that my old man wanted to train on very much. He felt that no matter how much I practiced, time travel is just too unpredictable.”

“So when you disappeared you jumped to 2019,” you guess. “Now. Just after the apocalypse. And you’re my age even though you were born thirty years ago. But why haven’t you time traveled back?”

He inclines his head to you, raising his eyebrows. “I’m impressed you were able to put it together so quickly. Unfortunately, as the old man had said, time travel is unpredictable. It did something to my powers so that I can’t even jump right now.”

“That sucks,” you say, not very eloquently.

Five shrugs, though you think it bothers him more than he lets on. It would bother you for sure. “I’ll get them under control soon enough. I’m more impressed with you. I should think I’m not talked about much in this era, seeing as how I’m the only one not still out and about.”

“Well, you and Ben,” you say without thinking, and then wince.

Five’s head snaps up and he narrows his eyes at you. “What?”

You swallow and keep your eyes on your plate, scratching at the foam with your plastic fork. “Ben died just before the Umbrella Academy broke up. I don’t know how. Your dad was pretty private. And, really, your disappearance and Ben’s death set you two apart from the others. There are lots of conspiracy theories about you on the internet. There were,” you correct. After thirteen years of being surrounded by people, being so alone is hard to get used to.

Five leans back in the lawn chair he’d assembled three days ago and crosses his arms on his chest, staring at you with a stony expression. “Give me a minute.” He gets up and walks away into the toiletry aisle, knowing full well you can’t follow him. That aisle has the most boxes on the floor and you simply can’t get into it with your wheelchair.

Not that you would follow him anyway. Finding out that your siblings are all dead is tough. Even if Ben would have died anyway in the apocalypse, it’s hard to hear that he died when Five was gone. For all you know, Five’s presence could have saved him.

You pack up the rest of the cake and put it back into the freezer. Time to practice walking again. It’s not as painful as it was when Five first showed up, but you still can’t do it for long, and you hate the weakness.

Day 48

Five can’t sleep.

It’s not just the cold winds blowing in from all angles, through the various holes in the warehouse’s walls. It’s not just the hard, cold floor he’s lying on. It’s not just the knowledge that he’s stuck 15 years in the future. It’s not even the knowledge that the future sucks actual ass.

It’s you. You’re sniffling again, obviously crying but trying to cry as quietly as possible.

It’s annoying.

Yeah, he knows that losing your entire family is hard. Five lost his, too! And being here with each other is definitely better than being alone, but Five’s under no delusions. He knows he’s not exactly easy to live with. He’s brash and abrasive and he ignores you without telling you why. He knows you’ve gotten so mad with him you’ve had to scream and cry several times (he’s only been here six weeks, too), but at least you have the good sense to do it in private. There’s hope for you yet.

Sure, he supposes it’s annoying to have permanently disfigured feet, but they’re not that bad. They’re just discolored, really, and a little bit swollen. And he knows that it hurts to walk, too, a lot of the time; your permanent limp is a testament to that. He’s told you time and time again that it’ll get better. It always gets better. When Five’s not being a complete jerk, he’s trying to make up for being a complete jerk. There’s hope for him yet.

And, yes, he gets that you’re going to be scared once he figures out how to jump back to his time and stop the apocalypse from happening, but as he’d told you earlier that day, he’s going to stop the apocalypse from happening.

There’s hope for both of you yet.

You obviously think Five’s sleeping or you would’ve walked away to do your crying in a more private place. He feels a little bad that he’s going to leave you and even worse that you’re so scared of being left alone. He’s pretty sure, though, the worst part of it is how he’s letting you cry right now, just listening, not letting you know that he can hear you and that he doesn’t really want to abandon you, but he doesn’t really have a choice.

He can’t speak, though. Something in his stomach will make his voice crack if he speaks, he knows it, or he won’t even get the words out. He can’t say anything.

A particularly harsh burst of wind washes over your two forms. Five, laying under the puzzle table in the center of the warehouse, pillows and blankets piled under him in the form of a makeshift mattress, and more blankets on top of him to keep the chill away. You, underneath the book table because god forbid a boy and a girl sleep next to each other, laying on a layer of only blankets because you toss and turn in your sleep and move the pillows that are under you, with a small mountain of blankets on your form and a fort of pillows around your form in an attempt to block out the wind.

Only six feet apart and yet it’s twenty miles. Complete strangers still but the closest friends (you can’t be friends, Five knows, because he doesn’t have friends, and besides, friends don’t make other friends cry, but what else can he call the two of you?).

Very different sleeping styles. If Five came to you, the ground would be too hard for him to sleep, and if he invited you to sleep you’d shiver and shake and move all the pillows away until you’re both lying on the cold stone ground.

He rolls over, squeezes his eyes shut, and lets you cry.

Day 183

“Try again,” you encourage, sitting on top of a table and swinging your legs. You’ve got a loose t-shirt on and shorts. During the winter the warehouse is too cold and during the summer it’s too hot. What you wouldn’t give for some air conditioning right now.

Five glares at you, ignoring the pained look on your face as you watch him possibly abandon you. He hasn’t missed the way you tense every time his fists make that blue light. “Don’t rush me.” He takes a deep breath and shakes his hands, shifting his weight between his feet. What if this is it? What if this is the moment he’s finally able to jump again?

What if this is the very last moment he spends with you?

Five drops his hands and looks at you. “You know I don’t want to leave you, right?” The honesty surprises and scares him; he’s never said anything that nice to you. He’s never said anything that nice to anyone. Growing up in the Umbrella Academy forbade emotional connections (unless Reginald could exploit them).

The half-smile drops off your face and you scowl. “No. You’re an asshole to me most of the time. I’m sure you’ll be glad to get rid of me.”

Five blinks, taken aback by the attack. He’d meant to have a nice moment, possibly a goodbye, and you just metaphorically lunged for his throat.

You ease yourself off the desk and limp away from Five. He’d offered to make you crutches the other day, but you’d pointed out that both of your feet hurt, and crutches are for the people that have at least one working leg. He’d pointed out that you could give your feet breaks one at a time. You’d told him you’d get back to him on it. He’d thought you’d been thinking about it, too. Maybe his daily attempts to jump, though, are what’s making you so hesitant to ask him for a favor or so aggressive when he tries to establish an emotional connection with you. They’re a daily reminder that he’s going to leave—trying as hard as he can to leave—and you can’t come with him.

It’s as if Five’s been spitting in your face every day.

“Come on, Y/N,” he says, chasing after you. It’s not hard to catch up; he’s fast and sure on his feet, and you’re limping. Five grabs your arm to slow you down. “Come on.”

“What?” you snap, slapping his hand away. “Come to insult me again?”

“Okay, so maybe I shouldn’t have called you a cripple yesterday,” Five admits.

You laugh sarcastically. “Oh, you think?”

“Y/N, we are the last two people on earth!” Five exclaims. “Don’t you think it’d be a good idea to get along? Your only option is me!”

“Yeah, and that’s the only reason I’m putting up with you,” you snarl. “I’d choose anyone over you, Five. You’re an asshole! You’re arrogant, you’re selfish, you’re rude, and if I could run I’d have run from here the day you came!”

“It’s not like you’re a ray of sunshine either!” Five yells back. “All you do is sit and whine and cry about your feet and your family! Guess what? My family’s dead, too, and I shouldn’t even be going through this crapfest of an apocalypse. I should be growing up with my family!”

“Then go back and try to jump!” you bellow, shoving him with both your hands. Five stumbles back and would have fallen if his back hadn’t collided with a metal rack. The pain makes him even angrier.

“I will!” he bawls back. “I will! I hope I make it back, too! I hope I grow up with them and die in the apocalypse and you survive so you live out the rest of your miserable life with no help and no one to talk to!”

You slap Five, hard, and turn away again.

He doesn’t chase after you.

It takes Five a full week to talk to you, and then it’s only a stiff “Where’s the milk?”

You don’t respond.

It takes you two weeks to talk to him.

Day 363

You’re crying again. You’d dropped a heavy pan on your foot and screamed. The only protection you have on your feet are fuzzy socks. Apart from the occasional splinter and piece of glass (after the last time you’d been cut on your left foot and not cried at all despite your white knuckles as Five cleaned the wound, he’d spent two full days without sleeping cleaning up every part of the warehouse so you’d have to search out something to step on) there was no need for you to wear anything else.

Now that you’re able to walk for a little bit without pain, whereas before there was always pain, you’re starting to do a little more lifting and work in order to stay busy. It would be so easy to just sit and eat, read, and puzzle yourself to death, but you can’t do that. You have to stay busy like how Five has to do his mathematical equations to stay busy.

Five doesn’t blame you for screeching. You’re lucky you didn’t break any toes; the pan is heavy metal, and that plus your burn pain? He can’t even fathom being as strong as you are.

He wraps your foot up and decides that now is the perfect time to give you the crutches he’d made. It had taken a lot of work, sleepless nights, and splinters, but he’d managed to fasten two big logs he’d found on the ground into crutches. He’d had to cut off different parts of the logs to create handholds as well as make them a reasonable size. Stapling fabric and stuffing to the top part wasn’t hard.

They may look terrible compared to professional crutches, but Five’s proud he did what he could with what he had. Secretly, he starts to fantasize leaving the warehouse and finding a hospital to get you better crutches, but he thinks he’ll start out with getting you a pair of shoes. If only this Costco had shoes.

With a pang of shock, Five realizes he doesn’t want to leave you alone, despite the lack of any risk. You’d be completely fine if he left to find you shoes and crutches.

He just doesn’t want to be alone, and more importantly, he doesn’t want you to be alone.

You start crying harder when he presents the crutches to you and you fling your arms around his neck, squeezing as hard as you can as you thanked him over and over again.

Five doesn’t understand girls.

Day 447

“Five!” You shake Five’s shoulder again. For the first time ever you’re awake earlier than him, mostly because the wall you’d built out of pillows had toppled in the middle of the night (you suspect you kicked it) and a gust of wind had woken you. You don’t know how he can ignore the wind. It digs through your skin and deep to your bones with every gust.

“Huh?” the boy rubs his eyes. “Y/N? Is everything all right?” Five’s eyes are barely cracked open. He doesn’t want to fully open them because then it means that he’ll be fully awake and not going back to sleep until nighttime.

“It’s snowing!” you’d excitedly responded, pulling him up. You can feel the cold seeping through your sweatshirt and leggings, but you don’t mind. You’ll put on more layers later, but you know for a fact that playing in the snow doesn’t make you cold. “Come on, Five!”

“It’s just snow, Y/N,” he’d grumbled, trying to turn over and go back to sleep (he was up late last night because you’d been snoring). “It’ll still be here later.”

“But we have to be the first people to mess it up!” you exclaim. Every other time it had snowed you’d woken up early so your neighbors wouldn’t mess up the snow in your yards before you. There is something extremely satisfying about fresh snow, and it’s even more satisfying when you’re the one messing it up.

“Y/N, there’s no one left to mess it up,” Five grumbles, turning over in his bed.

You fall back on your haunches, realization hitting you. You’d been so excited about the snow that the constant shadow hanging over your head—the shadow of all your dead friends and family, the shadow of all the people that didn’t survive the fire—had disappeared for a second.

You walk out to the snow anyway, trying not to let Five ruin your day just like he always does, but it’s black.

Day 524

Five’s fingers are running through your hair gently as he braids it. He’d said his sisters taught him how to braid their hair when they couldn’t do it themselves, but you honestly can’t imagine Allison ever needing help with anything. Plus, you can’t ever imagine Vanya in a braid. Every time you’d ever seen pictures of her, her hair was only ever unstyled and hanging loose around her face.

“I was thinking,” he begins, interrupting your reading of The Catcher in the Rye. “We’re almost out of food.”

You scoff, closing the book but keeping your finger in the page you were reading. “What are you talking about? We’ve got a ton left!” Sure, it’s almost halfway gone, but there’s still a lot left. You and Five have barely started on the packaged and snack food, too; he’d insisted on eating the perishables first.

“It’ll only last us a few more months,” Five insists. He pulls on your hair, but you’re not sure if it was on purpose. “I’m sure there are other buildings out there that have more food.”

You tense and start to turn around, but he yanks you back so your hair doesn’t get messed up. “You want to leave?”

“Just for a few days,” Five insists. “And just me. I don’t want you walking around for long because of your feet, you know, and why should we permanently leave a working shelter that has everything we need? I just want to bring back a little bit more food and supplies for all of us. I also want to see if there are any undamaged showers nearby. Using the sink in the women’s bathroom gets old quickly.”

You can’t argue with that. It takes forever to scrub yourself with the sink’s water. It’s not efficient, but it’s better than nothing.

Still, you don’t want to be left here alone. “I could go with you, though. And how will you bring anything back? How would you find your way back?”

“I found a wagon that I could use,” Five suggests. “And we could go all Hansel and Gretel if you like. I’m sure there’s a string that I could wrap around trees and such for a path.”

“I don’t like it,” you say stubbornly. “I want to go with you.”

“Y/N, you won’t be able to walk as far as I want to go,” Five says, tying an elastic around the end of the braid. “I’m sorry, but it’s true.”

The problem with that is you don’t know if he’ll come back. Sure, he could pretend that he’s going to, and he could put up an act of leaving a trail, but the second he’s out of sight you could be on your own for the rest of your life.

You turn around, chewing on your lip as you look at Five’s earnest face. He doesn’t look like he’s lying.

I trust you, you want to say. You wouldn’t have said that a year ago, or even six months ago. You shouldn’t trust him. He’s still trying to jump, but he doesn’t try as often as every day anymore. Do you trust Five to leave and come back?

Day 558

Five can’t help the butterflies in his stomach as he sees the familiar Costco, the place he’s been living with you for the past year and a half, looming on the horizon. His right hand clenches around the string he’s holding. It’s stretched taut between the burnt shell of a car that may or may not have been red before the fire and a stray lamppost that had been mangled. It was his breadcrumb trail for the entire time he was gone.

The wagon creaks and rattles as he pulls it along with his left hand. The ground is especially rough and more than a few times Five has had to pick everything up from the ground when it all fell from the wagon. The crutches have fallen over the most, but it’ll be worth it to see your face when Five gives them to you.

“Y/N!” he yells, trotting around the cars’ corpses. “Y/N, I’m back!” In the silence of the apocalypse, his voice is deafening. Every creak of the wagon sounds like a gunshot.

“Y/N!” Five drops the handle of the wagon at the entrance of the warehouse. “I’m back!”

“Five?” You limp into his gaze. You sound entirely too surprised to see him again. Had you really thought he wasn’t coming back? Sure, Five was gone longer than he had anticipated, but he’d promised to come back.

The look on your face is priceless. Eyes wide, mouth slightly open and turning up like you’re trying not to smile. Five imagines he has a similar look on his face as he tries to stifle his smile. He’d missed you more than he’d thought possible, just like he misses his siblings. He supposes that’s what happens when someone gets used to someone else’s presence in the way you get used to someone that lives with you. It’s alien to live without them.

Faster than Five had ever seen you walk before, your hobble turns into sort of a gallop and you throw yourself into his arms. “I thought you weren’t coming back,” you whisper into his neck, and it breaks his heart a little bit.

“I said I was,” he replies, wrapping his arms around your waist and squeezing. “And I did.”

Umbrella Academy Taglist:

@fentanvl @deathswretch @lightningidiot @five-hg @iamsnek666@ameliatrh @ihatecheesyusernames @dora-the-grownup @emilyt0314 @idklol707

Five x Reader Taglist:

@statsvitenskap @dare-the-punisher @thespian-anon @ask-veronica-sawyer-heathers @fivegallaghers

Snowflakes Taglist:

@campcampie

Forever Taglist:

@lemirabitur @annymcervantes

#tua #the umbrella academy #five x reader #five hargreeves #five hargreeves x reader #number five #five #reader insert #reader x five #reader x five hargreeves

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lurafita · 5 years ago

Note

Hi! So, I have so far only seen you post stories for the Starker pairing, or Iron Dad. Do you do other pairings, too? If so, would you consider writing something for Spideypool? Please and thank you.

Spideypool was my absolute OTP for a long time (though I did have some side pairings I also enjoyed with Peter all the while), I’m a hoe like that.

Anyway, it took me a while to answer this ask, but I do hope you enjoy what I wrote up.

I sometimes like imagining Spideypool as the kind of power couple, where they both are just ridiculously badass.

No-powers AU, established relationship, police detective!Wade, mysterious background!Peter.

—

Edward Collins, suspected for weapons dealing, drug smuggling, and human trafficking, looked far too smug for a man currently sitting in an interrogation room, with his hands cuffed to the table.

Captain Steve Rogers watched the man through the one way mirror with a suspicious frown on his face.

“All our evidence so far is circumstantial. It was enough to bring him in, but it won’t hold up in court. I don’t like that he waved his rights to a lawyer. He must think he has some kind of trump card. We need either a confession, or for him to incriminate himself in any way. Just get him to talk, Wilson.”

Next to the blond captain, the ex-special forces turned New York police detective, grinned sharply.

“No worries Captain America. I’ll have him singing like a bird.”

He ignored the familiar demand of “Stop calling me that!” and strode leisurely into the room.

“Eddie! Pal, Amigo, dirt under my shoes!”

He let himself fall into the chair right across from the man.

“So, what’s a scumbag like you doing in a place like this? Also, you don’t mind if I call you Shirley, right?”

Most of the precinct would describe Major Crimes unit’s detective Wade Wilson anything from ‘slightly eccentric’ to 'bat shit fucking insane’. They would also say, however, that at the end of the day, Wilson always got his shit done. So as much talk there was about his methods (and general being), it was usually accompanied with a measure of respect.

Wade reveled in it. Not just the respect, but also all the gossip about his 'crazy antics’. In fact, he liked to stir up the rumor mill every now and then, exaggerate on some tales, spice up some details.

His long time partner, Nathan Summers, had tried to reign him in during the early stages of their work relationship, but after damn near 7 years of being friends with Wade, he had given up.

It was too bad that good old Nate wasn’t down here with them to see him work his particular brand of magic on their suspect. (Someone did need to do the paperwork, after all. And Nate had lost at rock-paper-scissors)

Wade so loved aggravating his uptight partner.

Anyway, back to business. There was actually (sometimes) a method to his madness.

Sure, Collins had seemed pretty relaxed and put together so far, but how would that facade hold up when he was angry? What would the man let slip if Wade pissed him off enough?

If there was one thing that Wade liked to pride himself with (apart from his excellent taste in food and the love of his life), it was his ability to piss people off.

“You know, on second thought, you look more like that old woman in that horror game, after she was taken over by that parasite or whatever that was, and had all those cockroaches coming out of her crotch. What was her name again… Marguerite! That was it!”

The look on Collins face had darkened significantly, and his fists were clenched tightly on top of the table.

Bingo.

“So, Maggie-moo, let’s talk about last weeks shipment for your company.”

He pretended to rifle through the stack of notes to his side.

“You know, the one that, according to your books, should have been transporting sheep wool from Uruguay. However, it says here the ship hailed from the exotic shores of Columbia, and was carrying about twenty-five million dollars worth of cocaine.”

He affected a shocked look, complete with dramatically slapping his hands to his cheeks.

“Marguerite! What a bad, gross looking, girl you have been!”

Collins face was growing red, eyes pinched, teeth grinding together. Guy was gonna blow any second now. It was almost too easy.

“It’s because you weren’t hugged enough as a kid, isn’t it? I mean, I totally understand that your parents didn’t want to hold what must have been the ugliest baby on the planet, and I’m not blaming them one bit. But maybe it was a little much for them to chain you up outside and tell the neighbors you were just a mangy dog for all those years.”

Just as it looked like the other man would explode into an all condemning rage, Collins, surprisingly, suddenly calmed. The angry red left his face, his tense shoulders relaxed, the fisted hands intertwined their fingers together, and the man leaned back into the chair with a long exhale. Then he smiled.

“You said your name was Wilson, right? Detective Wade Wilson. I thought the name was familiar. I read about you in the newspaper the other day. An engagement announcement, wasn’t it?”

His smile turned nasty.

“And what a lovely creature your fiance is. Peter Parker, 28 years old, works in Queens 'Little Tykes’ daycare center, doesn’t he?”

Wade’s demeanor changed instantly, as a cold, foreboding feeling spread through his stomach. Collins went on, smirking as he saw the panic building up in the detective.

“It would be such a shame, wouldn’t it, if something were to happen to that pretty little fiance of yours. While you are in here, wasting your and your departments time and resources by accusing a good, honorable citizen of crimes he didn’t commit.”

Wade pressed his hands down on the table before him hard, and leaned over to be as much in the slime-bag’s face as possible, and spat out through clenched teeth.

“What did you do?”

He knew that his captain, who had been watching and listening to everything from the other side of the mirror, was likely sending people to his house right now to check up on Peter, as well as calling him on his mobile. It was the only reason why he remained calm enough to not break Collins bones one by one right then.

But Collins remained seemingly unintimidated.

“Why, Detective Wilson, I didn’t do anything. I have been in this room ever since you and your friends in blue so rudely interrupted my meeting, waving these false arrest charges about. I can hardly be held accountable for any accident that might befall the man you love, because you happen to be bad at your job. Did you know that most accidents happen at home?”

The gears in his head turned as fast as his rage grew.

“You sent someone to my fucking house, didn’t you?! Who did you sent? How many?!”

He was becoming frantic, his muscles shaking with the effort to keep himself from lunging right at the smug mother fucker.

“You wouldn’t have sent a lot, right? You have neither the brains to plan accordingly, nor enough underlings to organize something like this on such short notice. You would have sent only one, right? Two at the most! Two couldn’t cause too much damage, right? Tell me you didn’t send more than two!”

The man was far too satisfied with having rattled the detective so much, it didn’t occur to him to wonder about the strange nature of the questions. He was just about to taunt him more, when a new voice cut into the room.

“Four.”

Both heads whipped around to look at the person standing in the now open door.

Peter Parker’s brown hair was slightly ruffled (but still looked ridiculously fluffy if anyone were to ask Wade), his jeans had a few unidentified stains on them, and the too big flannel shirt (Wade’s) that he wore over his science pun t-shirt, was ripped all the way up his left arm. Other than that, however, the younger man looked completely fine.

If you didn’t count the scowl on his face.

“He sent four guys. They trampled their muddy shoes over the new rug in the living room, bled all over the furniture, and broke the vase Aunt May gave us last Christmas.”

Wade had just straightened up and slapped a mollifying smile on his face. “Baby boy-”

Peter’s pointing finger stopped him right in his tracks.

“Don’t you 'Baby boy’ me! I told you not to buy the white rug, because it’ll be a literal dirt magnet. Did you listen? No. You were also the one who insisted on the hard-to-clean couch, because 'But Petey! It’s so soft.’ “

Behind Peter stood one astonished looking Steve Rogers, and a snickering (SNICKERING! The traitor!) Nathan Summers, who had undoubtedly followed Peter down here.

Then his fiance pinned Wade with another withering glare.

“Since our house is now a 'crime scene’, and I will probably have to wait several hours to get back to reading my book in some semblance of peace, until the CSI has found all of the missing teeth from your suspects amateur cronies, I’ll be spending the rest of my day off at Gwen’s place. And who knows, maybe we will go on a little trip down the street, to the shelter on the next block and get a dog.”

With that, the younger man turned on his heel and left a gaping Wade, his full out laughing partner, and their gobsmacked captain in his wake.

“But Babe! We were supposed to pick out the dog together!”

If Peter heard him, it went ignored.

The captain still didn’t know how to react to what had just transpired, it seemed, as he questioningly turned to face one of his best detectives.

“Say, Wilson, how did you two meet again?”

Summers just laughed harder for some reason, and Wade, instead of answering his captain, turned to (the up to that point forgotten) Collins.

Clearly having not anticipated that the detectives twink-looking fiance would be capable of defending himself against the men he had sent out, Collins’ previous bravado melted away faster than ice cream in a microwave. Add to that the now absolutely murderous expression on Wilson’s face, and he was seconds away from wetting himself.

Wade stalked over slowly to his suspect.

“Do you have any idea, how much sex my baby boy is going to withhold from me for this?”

It took both his partner and the captain to restrain the detective long enough for Collins to confess.

#spideypool #au #fic #alternative universe fic #ask #peter parker #wade wilson #no-powers au #detective!Wade #bamf!Peter #short story #op lurafita

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nexstrik · 6 years ago

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when i see you, my voice goes (2/6)

Summary: Evelynn and Ahri had been together for as long as anyone could remember. They always thought they never needed anyone else, and then then slowly learn how wrong they were.

Akali is a typical directionless millennial trying to get back on her feet after a nasty breakup left her depressed and downtrodden. Then a group of popstars flip her world upside down.

A/N: Please pretend the rap is good, and also in Korean. Shout out to @reduxroyal for the song title “Foxfire”.

Rating: EXPLICIT.

You can read this story in chronological order on my blog You can also read this story on AO3

Her nose never led her astray.

Akali followed the sharp burn of garlic and boiling stock, a late-night shop that catered to the drunks who came stumbling out after all the bars closed. She inhaled the street food, hot grease burning all the way down until it settled in her stomach like a cozy, lit coal. Then she called a taxi, stumbled into the backseat, and did her best not to pass out before she made it safely home.

The streetlights rushed over her closed eyelids. The scent of a hundred other passengers clung to the cheap leather seats, molding together into the caustic fake pine swinging from the rearview mirror. When Akali opened her eyes again, the taxi had rolled to a stop in front of her family's dojo, and the world blacked out for a second. Reality returned and she was standing in the dark kitchen, peering into the fridge and blinking at the light that poured out of the open door.

Then her uncle spoke. "Where have you been all night?"

Akali nearly blacked out again. A tower of side-dishes in plastic containers, neatly stacked, clattered onto the floor. One hand to her aching head, Akali knelt down and gathered them up and tried to put them away again. "Shit, Uncle Shen. I told you I'd be out late."

When she turned around with a glass of juice in her hand, it was to her uncle's disapproving stare. "Are you okay? You didn't answer my texts."

She nodded as she downed the glass in a few steady gulps, not pausing for air. "Mmmhmm." With a gasp, she finished and dropped the cup into the sink. Then, remembering she was raised right, she rinsed out the cup and put that away, too. "I'm fine. There was bad signal in the club."

"You said you were in a singing competition."

Akali closed her eyes. Oh boy. "It was a rap battle, Uncle Shen. I'm pretty sure I said it was a rap battle."

Akali swayed in place, blinking hard and focusing all her attention on not keeling over. For a moment her uncle seemed like he would just stand there in silence until the sun rose. By her estimation, that would be in about three hours.

Then he hummed. "Did you win?"

Relieved, Akali threw a pair of devil horns and winked. "Hell yeah I did!"

And then half the club bought her drinks, and she accepted a few too many of them. Dumb idea, probably. She was full of those. And piss and vinegar, or so her mom always said, whatever the fuck that meant.

Uncle Shen's lips pursed. She couldn't get a good read on him, as usual, and couldn't tell if he was pleased or if he disapproved. Up until now she ran on the assumption that he supported her. He let her live here rent-free after she escaped that mess she left in Busan, and he, like... well didn't not like approve. Right? Probably. He'd say something if he thought she were wasting her life on this.

Someone would say something.

(Someone did say something.)

The kitchen spun. She managed a weak smile. "I'm gonna go to bed. Sorry for making you stay up so late."

"As long as you're safe," he said, voice growing more distant as she travelled to the far side of the house, to her old bedroom.

When she collapsed onto the bed, Akali stared at the ceiling until the world settled down. Restless now, too drunk to sleep, she rolled over onto her side. A massive sprawl of posters were plastered to the far wall, overlapping. They were like the layers of the earth, her oldest obsessions covered over and replaced and clamoring for space, from the ages of thirteen to nineteen.

She'd moved out and then moved right back in a few years later.

"How long am I gonna have to keep looking at your face?" she wondered at the collection of anime characters and popstars and actresses and swimsuit models. "You're probably tired of me, too."

Covering her face with one hand, she saw nothing but stars. They spun even as she stayed still, drowning in shallow, stagnant pools of darkness.

Thankfully she was able to sleep in the next day. Classes in the dojo didn't start until late afternoon, and she didn't work her other part-time job on Saturdays. Scraping herself from her mattress, Akali took a shower and got ready to assist her uncle with any other chores that needed doing.

He greeted her with few words, as always, and was kind enough to point her to this morning's breakfast still left in the fridge.

"Hey," she said, stirring cold rice around in her bowl and wondering if she should bother microwaving it. "Sorry again for last night."

The summer light streaming in through the open windows did little to lessen the shadows around Shen's face. "Do you think you did something worth apologizing for?"

Cryptic as ever. It was a genuine question, though, she could tell. Akali wasn't sure if that made things better or worse. Shen was her only living relative, and he hadn't been equipped to handle raising a moody, rebellious teen. Still, there was something nostalgic about his cool rationale, the way he never lost his temper even when she felt he had every right to. "I guess I just got a little sloppy. I'm embarrassed."

"Well," Uncle Shen said, "Now you know for next time."

He patted the back of her hand and Akali wolfed down her very late breakfast. That should have been the most eventful thing that happened that day.

But then she got an email.

Akali thought she might still be drunk. Standing in front of her, the three members of a band named "KDA" waited expectantly.

They'd broken down the deal in language she could understand. They told her they saw her music video, the one she recorded with her friends and her girlfriend, back when she still had both of those things.

Most of it went in one ear and right out the other. The whole time, Akali stared at Ahri as if she might vanish the next time she blinked.

It's her. It's her. It's her.

There was enough adrenaline in her system to make her heart explode. Every inch of her wanted to leap this opportunity.

She wants me. Foxy wants me to be their rapper.

But instead she wet her lips, mouth suddenly dry.

"I don't know if I can join you."

The reactions were mixed. Kai'sa visibly deflated, her shoulders dropping. Evelynn was unsurprised, her arms crossed and her expression blank.

"At least not yet," Akali clarified. "This is...a lot."

Ahri smiled sweetly, in a way that suggested she'd expected this as well.

"Of course. I'll be sending over a proper contract later tonight. Take your time reading it over," Ahri said, encouraging. She kept her hands over Akali's. The contact made her skin feel sticky, sweaty palms, hot summer air making the dojo stifling. "If you want a lawyer to go over it, too, that's totally fine."

A lawyer? Shit, she was just gonna take this to Uncle Shen and ask him what he thought. "Okay. Yeah, that's a good idea."

They said their goodbyes, apologizing for their unannounced arrival. Evelynn and Kai'sa left first, waving as they did. But Ahri lingered at the doorway, half-turned towards Akali as though something pulled her towards the other woman. Whatever that connection was, Ahri quickly severed it and then swept outside, her tightly-curled hair bouncing with every step.

Akali slid down to the floor right next to her training dummy, her hand still tingling from where Ahri touched it. Her wooden kamas found their way into her grip instead, the grain warm on her palm. That was still the same, even if everything else around her had dramatically changed. She could still smell Ahri everywhere, lingering on her own hand like she had folded herself into Akali's skin.

So she tried to ignore the contract for another hour, training to sweat the poison out of her system.

Then she assisted Shen with the lessons, and they cleaned up together.

He didn't ask about the three strange women who had come to visit her, and she didn't offer an explanation. Instead she holed herself up in her room and pored over the contact list in her phone, wondering who she could call. Desperate for some kind of confirmation and validation, her first instinct was to call her ex-girlfriend.

Her thumb hovered over the name.

Then she snapped her phone shut, staring at the ceiling again. There were stars, there, again. Faint because the glow-in-the-dark chemicals had long since expired or faded away. This was still a child's room. It was too small for her, in every sense. It was everything she tried to leave behind when she moved south to Busan.

What's holding me back? she wondered. What could possibly be holding me back?

It took hours to get to sleep, exhausted as she was. And so she woke up late again, stumbling downstairs to eat a cold breakfast before running to her part-time job. Then she came back home, changed her clothes, and helped Shen with lessons.

Shen had personally trained Akali, and she was qualified to teach and give lessons on her own, if she desired. But the idea of that— finding a new area to attract students, finding space to dole out those lessons, slogging through more of the same for the rest of her life— made her so depressed she couldn't stand up straight.

It wasn't that she couldn't or didn't want to work hard. But it had to be towards something she actually liked.

So why are you avoiding the contract in your inbox?

Exhausted, she cleaned up alone. At the end of the week some of the older students would often offer to help, but most of the upkeep fell on her shoulders. Dusting, mopping, and sweeping were all a part of her post-workout routine at this point.

Except she wasn't alone.

Akali had lifted up one of the mats, nose wrinkling in distaste at a sticky mess underneath, probably a spilled sports drink that one of the younger students neglected to mention. Probably because there was a steep punishment for having food or drink near the mats.

Cursing, she let the mat drop and was about to get up to her feet and find the mop.

In front of her were a pair of smooth, long legs.

Sitting back on her heels, Akali looked up, and up, and up, to a scandalously short skirt and a manicured hand waving only with the fingertips.

"Hi," Evelynn said, finally drawing her attention higher to a pair of mirrored sunglasses. She saw her own reflection in them, on her knees, frowning tightly. "You're very focused, aren't you? I've been here for a while."

"I get lost in thought a lot." Akali stood up but that did little to lessen the distance between them. "Thank you for removing your shoes before coming inside," she grumbled, irrationally wishing she had her own boots on. They added a much-needed boost to her height and her confidence.

Evelynn's lips quirked in a smile, as if she knew what Akali was really trying to say. "Of course. I'm not an animal."

The resulting silence was horrifically awkward, but Evelynn seemed to relish in it. It didn't permeate her confident aura at all. Akali was left wondering what, if anything, could.

"If you're here for lessons, the last one ended a while ago." Akali thumbed over to the clock on the wall. "You'll have to come back tomorrow."

"Is the first hit free?" Evelynn asked. Fist on her hip, she glanced about the main floor. "I think your little dojo is just darling, so I'd be tempted to try and learn."

"I saw the video of your scrape with that photographer," Akali said, unable to resist rising to the obvious bait. She smirked. "You definitely could use some guidance."

That video and the resulting viral imagery was the first time Akali had ever heard of Evelynn, actually. Akali saw a furious, beautiful woman covered in blood and that kind of did it for her. Of course she was taking that truth to her grave. She respected Evelynn too much as an artist to ever admit she liked her for anything other than her music.

And. You know. Evelynn was married. That was kind of important too.

"Really now." Evelynn's brows rose, lips parting with interest. "Got any pointers?"

"Sure. Here's some free advice." She reached up and sharply tapped Evelynn right on the center of her forehead. "Don't lead with your head."

For a second she wondered if she'd crossed a line. It was hard to tell what Evelynn was thinking what with those thick sunglasses she always wore, even indoors. As if reading her mind, Evelynn took them off.

It immediately closed some of the distance between them, made Evelynn seem much more human as the corners of her eyes crinkled in mirth. "Oh, I like you."

"Could've fooled me." Akali crossed her arms tightly, thumbs tucked against her chest. "Now, can you tell me why you're here? I haven't signed the KDA contract yet."

Tucking her shades into her blouse pocket, Evelynn produced a phone from her purse. "Kai'sa sent me to invite you over for dinner," she said, tapping something out on the screen. "She wants to know if you're allergic to anything or if you're a vegetarian, et cetera, et cetera."

"No, I don't, uh. I don't have anything like that. I mean I'm lactose intolerant but that's never stopped me before." Akali hesitated as Evelynn handed her phone over, expectant. "What?"

"Your number," Evelynn explained. "I didn't get a chance to grab it last time."

A little irritated at the memory, Akali swiped the phone and started plugging in her information. "Because you were too busy begging for your teeth to be knocked in."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't be swinging swords around with your headphones on at full volume. You'll ruin your hearing that way, you know."

"Well, maybe you should mind your own business."

"Sweetheart," Evelynn said, really sounding like she meant the word. "If you sign that contract, every part of your body might soon become my business."

Her thumbs paused over the keyboard as Akali looked up at her.

"If," she responded, and then hit enter.

This isn't what she expected when she made that video. She'd gotten millions of views on The Tower, and the traffic spilled over to her online store. People didn't just like her, they were spending money on her. It wasn't a lot of money in the grand scheme of the music industry of course, but she'd been able to pay off her credit card bills with that revenue alone. That was something, to Akali.

(Why wasn't it enough for her girlfriend?)

"So what's next?" Evelynn asked her, returning her to reality again. She really needed to stop spacing out when people were talking to her. "If you're so confident you decide not to sign with us."

She rolled her eyes, but Akali was smiling. Who knew someone as powerful and famous as Evelynn could be so easy to needle?

"I'm doing what I did before." Akali sensed the change in the conversation, the way she noticed when a sparring partner shifted their weight, making them easier to throw. Self-assured now, she excitedly shared her plans with Evelynn. "Making my own music and posting it online. Getting known in the local scene."

Evelynn started toying with her necklace, long and gold with a rectangular charm hanging low on her chest. "And?"

Sweat burned into her eyes, reality marching around around her. She was still grimy from practice and there were still chores to be done, but she didn't want to attend to any of them yet. Pulling up her shirt, she mopped her face with the hem, shrugging. "I'm working in a music store nearby. I don't have a lot of physical merch but they agreed to sell it there, plus I have an online store." She couldn't help but puff up a little. "We got a lot of hits after my last video!"

Evelynn's thumb rested over her lips, fingers wrapped thoughtfully around her chin. Her teeth occasionally worried the nail like she was trying very hard not to interrupt Akali. Just when it looked like she was about to burst, she licked the pad, reached out, and dragged it over Akali's bare stomach.

"Yo!" Akali slapped her hand away, jumping back a step and letting her shirt drop. "Personal space?"

Evelynn laughed. "Sorry. I needed to know if the abs were spray painted on."

"Well, they're real. I work very hard on them." Self-conscious now, she covered her stomach with both hands. "And now I'm having second thoughts about having dinner at your place."

"No you're not," Evelynn said.

She didn't say anything else. Not for a while. Not until the silence was unbearably uncomfortable.

Evelynn put her on edge again, effortlessly. The balance had shifted; Akali wasn't in control of where it went anymore. Evelynn made her feel like at any given moment she was one wrong move away from being turned into a stylish leather belt. That was alarming enough on its own, but the worst part was Akali didn't entirely dislike the sensation.

"Kai'sa is an excellent cook. It's your loss if you decide not to come." Evelynn lifted her shoulders in a shrug. Her fingers found the necklace again, thumb stroking over the flat gold charm. "I know my wife will be so disappointed, she really wanted to have a proper conversation with you."

Her wife, Foxy— Ahri. One of the biggest names in kpop, if not the biggest. Akali thought back to their first brief meeting, the way Ahri hesitated after the others left, like there was something more she wanted to say. The way the scent of her clung to Akali's hand.

What did someone like her want with someone like Akali?

It lingered in her head long after Evelynn left, long after she should have fallen asleep.

That night she lay in bed, awake, again. The stars surrounding her shone little illumination on her predicament, and her quiet cell phone had no answers, either. Even though she knew it wouldn't do her any good, she went through her photo albums. After assaulting herself with years of memories among people she didn't like anymore, she finally jumped to one she had saved on every social media so that she'd never lose it.

In the photo she is fourteen years old. Her nose red, a faint trace of blood smeared on the back of her hand. Grinning like a wild thing despite the injury, because one arm was looped around Ahri's waist and the other was throwing a peace sign.

That was eight years ago. Ahri would have been twenty one years old.

She doesn't remember me, Akali reminded herself, not with any bitterness. Just faint nostalgia, and a tinge of sadness. The vast gap between their experience, their clout, yawned up larger than ever. Of course she doesn't. Why would she?

Ahri was a god, shaping the industry since she was fourteen herself. Setting trends, selling records, making deals, shipping products, wrapping everyone around her pinkie finger. She was a force of nature and Akali was... a soundcloud rapper.

She scrolled a little bit, going over her twitter feed, and then back to her sparse contact list.

Evelynn's name was near the top.

Turning it off, she rolled onto her side and tried to fall asleep.

When the time came for her to get ready, Akali realized she'd overlooked one very important detail: there was no guide for what to wear when dining with pop stars. She tore through her closet, tossing clothes over her shoulders. All of her stuff was decidedly casual, especially since she had to toss most of her possessions after moving out of her girlfriend's apartment. Relocating to Busan was not a simple task, and coming back had not been any easier.

The point being, she couldn't show up to a meeting with Foxy— with Ahri— with KDA in a hoodie and her ratty old jeans. But that was pretty much all she owned.

There was one solution, but it burned her to admit it. Some part of her resented the idea of asking Evelynn for any advice, but she decided to swallow her pride early rather than face embarrassment later.

should i dress up?

its just going to be us 4, right?

this isn't a fancy celebrity thing, is it?

Evelynn quickly texted her back. ahri is still in her pajamas so honestly wear whatever you want

"Oh?" Akali said, staring down at her phone. That was a relief...unless Evelynn was lying. If Akali showed up, the only person in casual clothing, she wouldn't need to worry about signing that contract. Ahri would just laugh her out of existence.

Unbidden, one of Ahri's older music videos came to mind. She doubted Ahri really wore lacy see-through lingerie to bed, nobody could be that extra 24/7. But the mental image had her blushing until she forced it down.

In a rush, she went out and bought a nicer top and new jeans, tighter and pricier than she normally went for. But after wrangling her hair into submission and putting on eyeliner, she thought she looked like a passable girl.

Soon it was time. Ahri and Evelynn had rented an entire house, it looked like, with a gate that needed to buzz her in. Walking to the front door, Akali steeled herself to knock when it flew open and that ridiculously tall, hot white lady stood in front of her. It took a moment to recognize her, because Akali distinctly remembered that she had black hair, but today it was platinum blonde.

"Akali! I'm so glad you made it," she said, speaking in surprisingly good Korean. "Come on inside, I hope it wasn't too long a trip."

"It was fine." Instinct made her throw a peace sign. "Kai'sa, right?"

"Mhmm! Don't wear it out!"

Kai'sa had an unusual gait, so light on her feet Akali thought she might float away. She led Akali further inside after letting her take off her shoes, and the scent of sizzling garlic, onion, fatty meat. Her stomach roared, and Akali found herself fidgeting with the bag in her hand.

"Aw," Kai'sa said when Akali revealed a small boxed cake. "You brought dessert?"

"Since you were making dinner..." Akali trailed off with a grin, glad she was pleased by the offering. She'd honestly been torn between this and a bottle or two of soju. But she read on some gossip sites that Evelynn didn't like to drink much after her very public struggle with substance abuse, that Ahri preferred expensive Italian wine way out of her price range, and Kai'sa...

A little guilty, Akali realized she knew next to nothing about the third member of the band.

"Well, I would've been happy to make dessert, too!" Kai'sa said, sounding so genuinely joyful at the idea, and smiling so broadly, that Akali's heart fluttered.

It figured that a potential pop star was beautiful to an unearthly degree, but Kai'sa was striking in a way Akali wasn't accustomed to. It didn't hurt that her accent was kinda cute, too.

"Noted." Akali forced herself not to stare, looking around the empty kitchen. "Did Ahri and Evelynn bail?"

Kai'sa waved the idea way with a laugh. "They're out getting the dye."

At first she thought she might have misheard. Her face must have betrayed her confusion, because Kai'sa went on. "They didn't tell you?" Thoughtful, she lifted a hand to her hair, fingering through the pale lengths. "I gave myself a few days to think about it, but...phase two begins tonight. I'm in a very blue state of mind lately and it keeps showing up in all my paintings, so I'm dyeing my hair blue to see if that'll get it out of my system."

Akali wished she'd brought a hoodie after all, because now without the cake, she didn't know what to do with her hands. She kept instinctively rolling them over her stomach, seeking the comfort of a kangaroo pouch that wasn't there. "Um. Do I have to do that, too?"

After giving Akali a careful look, a frustrated sigh escaped Kai'sa. "Evelynn did tell you this would be just a normal hang out and not an audition, right? I told her to tell you but now I'm not sure she listened."

"Isn't it, though?" When Kai'sa made a curious noise in response, Akali shrugged. "If it turns out we can't stand being in the same room together for a few hours, it's better to learn that now rather than later."

Reluctant to admit it, Kai'sa inhaled quickly like she was about to disagree. Then she paused, thinking about it, coiling a strand of blonde hair around her index finger. "I guess," she said after a moment.

Then she leaned down, all the way down to whisper into Akali's ear. A long sheet of blonde hair almost smacked her in the face, the sharp scent of citrus and sweet candy overwhelming, this close.

"But just between you and me," Kai'sa said, "I think they're already in love with you."

A million thoughts exploded like fireworks, each trailing off in wildly different directions. Primarily hhhh girl hot and she smells so good am I creepy for sniffing her? and I might actually be too gay to hang around pop stars, but most pressingly, in love with me? what, like with my music?

There was no immediate answer to any of those thoughts, because the front door swung open and Ahri launched herself inside, landing with flair. "We made it back!" she shouted in triumph, posed like a magical girl as a bunch of plastic bags swung from her arms. "The journey was long, but—"

Her knees went a weird way when she realized Kai'sa was not alone, twisting inward and bending slightly.

"Oh!" Ahri fumbled. "Akali is here. Hi, Akali!"

Akali's eyes swept over Ahri once, up and down, drinking her in. A white dress with cherry patterns on it, and a matching set of cherry-red bangles. She hadn't really expected to see Ahri in her pajamas, but the pop star very clearly wasn't wearing makeup or any product in her hair. This really was a casual hangout.

Evelynn slid in past Ahri, carrying a few more bags. She spared Akali a single glance before focusing on Kai'sa. "I told you to text us."

Straightening out, Kai'sa hid her hands behind her back, singing her response. "Sorrreeeee. But she literally just got here!"

"Well." Setting the bags down, Evelynn pulled off her sunglasses. She played with one of the legs, working it back and forth on its hinge. "That's good."

Before her brain could catch up, her smart mouth was already moving. "Worried I'd get bored waiting for you?"

"You do seem easily distracted," Evelynn shot back, going through the bags. It looked as though she and Ahri had also made a short grocery trip. She started putting things away, with Kai'sa fluttering at her side no matter which way she turned.

"Did you bring the—"

A bottle of soy sauce appeared on the counter.

"Nice! Thank you, Eve. And also did you—"

Evelynn set a green onion stalk down on the cutting board.

"Perfect! How about—"

Evelynn wordlessly produced one bottle of peach soju from her bag and set it in Kai'sa's palms.

"Eeeeeve! You're the best!" She did a happy little shimmy before throwing her arms around Evelynn's neck. It forced Evelynn a few steps back, but she quickly recovered to return the hug, squeezing her tight.

"Of course baby. I know what you need."

Slipping out of Evelynn's arms with a twirl, Kai'sa chopped up the onion and set it in a small dipping bowl with the soy sauce.

"Everyone sit!" she ordered, wiping her hands off on a hand towel and getting the rest of the ingredients together. "The grill's all set up, I have the tea brewed, and I already tried the pork and it's soooo good. I marinated it all day!"

Akali was hustled over to the personal grill and a low table that Kai'sa proceeded to completely cover in bowls of purple rice, dipping sauces, finely sliced garlic and onions, fatty pork belly, mushrooms, an entire rainbow assortment of banchan, and fresh leafy vegetables to wrap it all in. The table groaned under the weight.

"Uh..." Akali blinked, and in the next instant a shot glass of soju was in her hands. When she looked up, she saw Ahri and Evelynn were seated across from her, and Kai'sa slipped in at her right side after serving them tea. "Wow."

"Told you," Evelynn said, smiling smugly.

They served themselves. Ahri stuck mostly to vegetables, only making an exception when Evelynn wrapped a slice of pork in a perilla leaf and fed it to her so casually that this must be a common occurrence. Akali did her best not to stare, focusing all her attention on Kai'sa instead of the woman sitting across from her, the woman she'd had a crush on for most of her young adult life.

"So how long have you been living in Korea?" she asked, pouring Kai'sa another drink.

Kai'sa sat back a little, frowning. "Mmm. A few weeks? Months?" Making a few kissy noises to get Evelynn's attention, Kai'sa grinned. "Eve, how long have I been here?"

"At least four months," Evelynn said. Her hand was at her throat again, playing with her necklace. "A little bit before Ahri wanted KDA to be a thing."

As they chattered and ate, Ahri pushed aside her half-full plate and retrieved the hair dye. "Scoot," she said, and settled comfortably behind Kai'sa to start working on her hair.

"Aw, Ahri, you hardly even touched your—"

"I'm fine." Ahri didn't let her complete the sentence. "If we start now, we'll be almost done by the time you've finished dessert. And I'll eat that too. Promise."

A little exchange happened, wordless: Kai'sa hummed in suspicion. Ahri smirked, reached down, and gave Kai'sa's ear a tug. Whatever understanding occurred, Ahri got her way, and soon Kai'sa's head was entirely wrapped in tin foil.

"Ugh, that stuff stinks." Evelynn wrinkled her nose. "Do you have to do it at the dinner table? We have a guest."

"Don't mind me," Akali said, picking a mushroom and a roasted slice of garlic off the grill. "I'm not gonna complain when you keep me this well-fed."

"And just think." Kai'sa's eyes twinkled. "If you sign on with us, I'll cook for you whenever you like."

The soju had her tongue even more loose than usual. "Oh, so you're offering bribes, now. How desperately do you want me?"

Kai'sa's mouth popped open in shock. Then she laughed, reaching over and slapping Akali lightly on the shoulder. "Cockyyyy! Okay!" she said in English, before swapping back to Korean. "You know, you rap really good, but can you actually sing?"

Akali jerked a thumb towards the front entrance. "There's a noraebang fifteen minutes that way if you want to find out."

"Fuck that," Evelynn said, getting up from the table. For a second Akali again wondered if she'd crossed a line. The woman was just terrifying sometimes, everything about her so intense. Her goosebumps settled as Evelynn merely went over to the tv, and dragged a tiny black box over to it. "We've got everything we need right here."

Then a microphone was dropped into her hands.

"Sing something," Evelynn said, eyes blazing over the lens of her sunglasses.

Akali looked askance at Kai'sa. "So this is an audition."

"I guess it is, now." Kai'sa shrugged, the tinfoil in her hair wrinkling and making noise with every tilt of her head.

When she got up to her feet, the world spun a little. Such was the danger of drinking while sitting down. She and Evelynn inspected the black box, and after a quick internet search, Akali learned it was a personal noraebang machine.

(The first result put its cost at ₩3,000,000. Akali quickly banished any thoughts of getting one for her room.)

"How do you work this thing," Akali grumbled, fiddling with it in vain.

Ahri had been watching them all quietly, her arms crossed. She seemed interested in how the cards would fall, neither approving nor disapproving. But when the three of them struggled to work the machine, she decided to intervene. Sighing, Ahri shooed them away and took over, pulling up a list of songs for Akali to choose from.

"You know, you've got a surprisingly cute voice," she murmured. "It's higher than the last rapper I worked with. Very distinct."

Sharply, Akali realized this was the first thing Ahri had directly said to her since she entered the house. Not sure what to make of that, she scrolled through the list, focused intently on finding something that would make her look good. After a moment though, she landed on some older pop songs, and a devilish spirit overtook her. "How about this one?"

Ahri gasped. "No!"

"Oh, yes," Evelynn said, and hit play. Her wife wailed and covered her face with both hands as a sparkling, youthful techno beat popped out. Ahri's unmistakable voice started chirping and crooning to them.

Laughing, Akali jumped in the distinct dance for Foxfire, one of Ahri's earliest singles. Kai'sa joined in; it was almost impossible not to. Nearly every station in the world featured the video for it. If you didn't know the Foxy dance, you were a reclusive weirdo.

It helped that the chorus was... pretty easy to memorize.

I am a fox, I am a fox, I am a fox, I am a fox, I am a fox, I am a fox, I am a fox, I am a fox, I am a fox, I am a fox, I am a fox, I am a fox.

When the song was over, Kai'sa and Akali were both breathless with laughter, leaning heavily on each other. Even Evelynn couldn't hide her smile. Though she'd wanted a serious display of Akali's talents, she couldn't resist a little fun. Meanwhile, her wife was as red as a cherry tomato.

"Oh, she thinks she's funny," she said, voice surprisingly icy.

"No, I'm hysterical," Akali responded, finally feeling at ease.

Tutting, Evelynn drew Ahri into her arms, holding her and rubbing her nose into Ahri's hair. "Don't be mad, gumiho. It's my fault, I selected the song."

"I'm not mad, I'm embarrassed!" she said, voice muffled by Evelynn's chest. "Just because you did that, Akali has to sing one of your least favorite songs now!"

One of their phones starting beeping, a timer going off. "Hold that thought," Kai'sa said, rushing away. "I need to wash this dye out. Don't start without me! I want to hear Akali sing for real!"

Evelynn followed her movements with a smirk, eyes tracking Kai'sa until she was gone. "...Yep, you won her over."

"Well, Kai'sa has a hard time resisting a woman who can dance," Ahri mused.

Still flush from drinking and dancing, Akali's face grew even warmer. The bizarreness of this situation probably didn't help. Here she was, trying to impress a goddess of pop and a reclusive musical icon, the stars of their industry. And one very cute, very tall girl that she still knew nothing about. "She uh. She likes to dance, huh?"

"She loves to dance," Ahri corrected her, pulling out her phone. She was smiling brightly now that the subject of the conversation had changed, twisting with excitement. "Have you seen the stuff she was doing at her old studio? It's insane, watch this."

Eager and curious, Akali waited while Ahri searched for the right video. The music started, and a few other dancers from the studio gave their performances. Each of them worked slightly different choreography to the same song. Most were decidedly provocative. Akali's English was a little rusty, but the language barrier didn't matter much when the dancers made it clear what the lyrics conveyed.

Then Kai'sa slinked onto the screen, naked except for scraps of leather and flannel and thigh high heels.

Akali spent the next solid minute screaming internally as she watched Kai'sa crawl across the floor, her teeth bared in what could have been a furious snarl or a helpless grimace of ecstasy. More than sex appeal, Kai'sa projected nothing but unbridled hunger, head clutched in her hands as she lay on her back, hips arched. Each kick of stiletto heels felt like a strike to Akali's core. Sweat was flying from Kai'sa's silver hair as she tossed it wildly, and touched her straining torso, fingers dancing over her ribs and toned stomach. It was combative, demanding, voracious, and lithe, and...

"God, I love this one," Evelynn said, longingly. "But it's not her best! This one is... blunter than Kai'sa tends to be."

"Okay," Ahri said, "So which one is her best?"

"The one that was so sad it almost made me cry?"

Ahri's eyes widened. "Oooh. Okay, well, unless you want to cry in front of Akali..."

Evelynn thought about it. She twisted the gold necklace, fiddling with the golden charm. When she made up her mind, she pulled up another video. "This one is more typical Kai'sa."

"Mmm," Akali squeaked, because she knew if she remained dead quiet they'd suspect she was about to combust. Thankfully the next video was significantly tamer. Kai'sa had black hair again, coiled up in cute buns. A familiar pop song bounced in the background while Kai'sa danced, clearly having the time of her life.

Strutting confidently, she displayed more of the Kai'sa they had seen at dinner. Cheeky and sweet and just a little flirty. They went through a few more videos, each one increasingly impressive. Akali's personal favorite was the one that was almost entirely splits and painful-looking contortions. She didn't even know the human body could bend that way.

"Hey!" Kai'sa said when she returned. The dye had taken well; her hair shone, bright blue like cotton candy. Toweling off some excess water from her ear, she beamed at them. "Are you showing Akali my old dance stuff? Did you show her the fire-dancing one? Oh! Did you show her the really slutty one?"

"That's the first one I showed her." Ahri grinned.

Kai'sa made a fist. "Nice. That one's my favorite."

"But it's not your best!" Evelynn insisted, distressed this time.

Paying her no heed, Kai'sa strode up to Akali and pushed the microphone back into her hands. "Okay, Miss Akali," she said. "It's time. Pick a Siren song that Evelynn hates."

"That will be very difficult to find," Evelynn said, "Because I don't publish anything I don't love."

Ahri rolled her eyes, surprising Akali with a little childish mimicry. "I don't publish anything I don't love," Ahri said, opening and closing her hand like a little mouth.

"I don't," Evelynn replied coolly.

"How about Agony's Embrace ?" When Evelynn responded with just a quirked brow, Akali shrugged. "It's stuck in my head. Sue me."

She pressed play, swaying, and immediately realized her mistake. Evelynn's voice was perfectly suited for her own song, obviously... and the two of them couldn't sound more different. While Akali did her best to keep up, she croaked on one or two notes. She didn't much care to copy Evelynn, but if she was supposed to be showing off her strengths, this wasn't the song to do it with.

She made up for it by dancing, or so she hoped. As talented as she knew Kai'sa and the others to be, Akali doubted they knew any hat tricks. So she popped off her snapback, rolling it over her chest in exaggerated, locked movements. She even managed to bounce it from her knee to her foot and back again.

Whirling around, she winked at her audience, setting the cap back on her head.

Sensing the challenge, Kai'sa stepped forward and yanked Akali's hat off with her teeth. Clutching the bill, she flipped it and caught it by the bill again before letting it drop to her knee, then her foot, then she kicked it back up. The hat soared through the air, spinning over Kai'sa's head and down her back, where she hooked onto it with her toes.

Kicking back, she launched the hat into the air once more, and it landed, lopsided, on her crown.

Akali forgot all about the song.

"What!?" she screamed, clutching her own head in shock. "How did you do that?! That was incredible, oh my god! Keep the hat, just keep it! It's yours now! Take everything I own!"

"Kai'sa," Ahri and Evelynn said at the same time, with twin expressions of annoyance.

"Stop being a showoff and let Akali sing," Evelynn added.

"Sorrreeeee," she sang, not looking sorry at all.

But after that, it was impossible for Akali to get her head back in the game. "I'm not a very strong singer," she admitted. "I can carry a tune and harmonize alright, but I'm not gonna have any solos anytime soon."

"Don't be so sure of that," Ahri said. "You're very talented. And we can coach you."

Grabbing her by the arm, Kai'sa gave her a friendly little shake. "And what's really in your heart is rapping and dancing and writing lyrics, right? That's why we want you, and that's what you're good at!"

Something about the unadulterated praise made her want to provide a counterweight. She wasn't used to this much positive attention. "I mostly freestyle—"

"Then freestyle for us," Evelynn said.

The more they talked, the more real this felt. Akali was swept up in it, excitedly clutching Kai'sa's hand when it rested over hers. "...Okay!"

The song was still playing, nearing the end. And the instrumentals behind Agony's Embrace poured over her, familiar as a friend. She'd been listening to this song nonstop for weeks, actually, so she had a good sense for the beat and where she wanted to enter in.

Except she was still a little tipsy ( Shit. Shit.) and didn't know what she was going to say and other women were all so hot and cool ( ice ) and talented ( gold ) and Foxy was so perfect ( like a diamond ), even without heavy makeup ( glitter ), maybe even especially without it ( diamonds are ice and snow glitters in the light ). Akali found herself staring at at her, too focused to worry about anything except the words bouncing in her head ( cold but I spit fire ).

...What rhymed with glitter?

She took a deep breath, running on instinct and years of writing, the rhymes forming from muscle memory, ideas linked together on the fly.

Rhyming I'm a spitter, Til I'm winding up to hit 'er Turn her round and sit her bottom line on something mined that glitters, Diamonds, Ice bitter cold, so nice with the flow But Aka's lit, don't you know? Steel nerve, inflexible That's hard rock Louder than a gun cocked On velvet fur or soft locks That's why we need a stone fox Because she likes it on top Clapping like a beat keep it nonstop KDA gon' bring the heat BECAUSE WE GOT THIS ON LOCK!

The song kept going, but Akali was finished. Shouting, Ahri and Kai'sa both pounced on her in an excited hug pile, praising her impromptu rap. She didn't think it was her best or even very good, and she thought Evelynn might tell her as much.

Instead, the song wound down into chatter and laughter, until Evelynn picked another song, taking her turn at the mic.

It was perfect. It was absolutely perfect.

Akali woke up on the couch, throat a little sore and eyes glued shut. It took her a second to remember where she was, staring up at the ceiling and not seeing the glow in the dark stars. She hadn't even realized she'd fallen asleep.

Someone had draped their jacket over her in the middle of the night. Closing her eyes again, Akali snuggled into it, inhaling deeply. It smelled distinctly like sweet wet leather, chocolate. Layered in there, bitter undertones of something sharp and woodsy, like pine. She wondered whose jacket it was. She hoped it was Ahri's.

Unexpectedly, her body ached. The thought of Ahri on her, surrounding her, holding her, sent a bolt of heat right to Akali's clit.

Damn it.

Getting up, she couldn't resist shrugging the jacket on. A glance outside the window confirmed it was still dark outside. Just as she wondered if it would be more rude to leave or stay, she heard a voice.

"I'm sorry," Ahri said, "Did I wake you?"

Spooked enough that her skin rippled with gooseflesh, Akali didn't answer at first. Deep in the shadows of the hallway, near the kitchen, Ahri was half-obscured. "No."

Ahri stepped a little closer just as the sun started rising more, the room lightening bit by bit. She was smiling, hair messily piled on top of her head, and Akali learned she was the type who wore long shirts to bed. When she reached up to stretch, the hem lifted up, revealing a flash of bright red shorts underneath.

When Akali tore her eyes away back to Ahri's face, hoping she hadn't been staring too hard, she found Ahri grinning knowingly.

"Nice jacket."

She immediately began to shrug out of it. "Sorry, it was on me when I woke up."

"No, no, no." Ahri stopped her, fingertips brushing against her bared shoulder. Again her skin prickled, flesh rising to the touch the way flowers opened to the sun rising. "It looks good on you." She thought a moment. "Keep it."

The white leather settled comfortably back around her. Akali shoved her hands into the pockets, unable to resist beaming at Ahri. "Okay, but no take-backs."

"Heh. You're cute, Akali. I wish I'd met you sooner."

You did, Akali wanted to say, but she bit it back.

Ahri stretched again, rubbing her face before she started fiddling with the coffee maker. "You drink coffee?"

Sometimes her ex had it with dessert, if it was very, very sweet. But Akali was mystified that anyone actually needed it to get their day going. "Never liked it."

"Never start. It's unhealthy." Ahri tapped out the grounds, still yawning sleepily. "The only thing it's good for is summoning wayward spirits. Do you want to see a magic trick?"

When Akali nodded, Ahri giggled and flicked on the machine. It bubbled, hissing. The bitter scent rose up, and soon enough Evelynn and Kai'sa were at the kitchen table, both of them on the verge of passing out as they waited for their wake-up juice.

"Oh," Evelynn drawled. "The meme girl is still here."

Kai'sa whacked her on the shoulder, hard enough that Evelynn actually flinched. "Be nice!"

Evelynn slumped further onto the table, rubbing her bruised skin. Then her tongue flashed as it clicked against straight white teeth, and Evelynn let loose a string of grinning Mandarin so fast and so saucy that Akali wasn't sure she wanted a translation. That suspicion was only confirmed when Kai'sa turned bright red. She unleashed a flurry of slaps to Evelynn's shoulder, snapping back an impassioned response.

"There's no need to bring my ancestors into this," Evelynn said, drawing herself up, regal and self-important.

"There's only so many ways I can curse you out, specifically," Kai'sa huffed back.

"Well that just makes you uncreative."

Their bickering became very physical, ending with Evelynn's neck trapped in the crook of Kai'sa's arm, both of them complaining loudly. Akali watched, fascinated, as Ahri just served them both a cup of coffee as if she saw this every morning.

(She probably did.)

"Come on, Akali." Ahri vanished, returning in a summer dress and a sunhat, waving for her to follow. "I'll drive you home. These two are obviously unfit for polite company right now."

"I'm not sure caffeine will help," Akali joked as she followed her.

The other two didn't even acknowledge them leaving, too wrapped up in their argument. Ahri let Akali out first, and so she had just enough view to see them still bickering. But as the door shut, Akali swore she saw Kai'sa lean in close, her long hair obscuring their faces.

Ahri locked the front door, eyes glued to her cellphone. She shot off a few quick text messages before smiling up at Akali. "You good?"

"Uh." Akali thought she might still be sleepy. Seeing things. "Yes, I'm fine. I can just take the bus."

The other woman dismissed the idea, car keys jingling. "It'll be faster if I take you." Her lips curled in a smile, and damn it, the only way to describe it was vulpine. "Besides, this way I get to spend more time with you."

Despite that, the car ride was mostly silent. Akali remained distracted by the memory of Kai'sa and Evelynn, how close they had been sitting. How comfortable Evelynn's hand was on Kai'sa's lap, and the things they had said to each other last night. She wondered what their relationship was. She wondered how she could ask.

Instead, she blurted out, "So what's the deal with you guys?"

Ahri kept her eyes on the road. "Hmm?"

"I don't know. It just seems weird, I guess. None of us are typical kpop fare."

"We're misfits," Ahri said after only a moment of deliberation.

Akali shifted uncomfortably, remembering what Evelynn had called her. "Is that why you want me?"

Beside her, Ahri let out a low, sudden breath. "Yes."

Akali glanced at her.

"I think you're a good fit for us," Ahri clarified. "Akali, I'm sorry if I was a little cagey last night, and still acting a little strange now. It's just, you make me nervous."

She made her nervous? She didn't even know the famous Foxy could be nervous. Now she knew was staring, and nothing could make her stop. But rather than be entranced by Ahri's profile, by the golden glitter of her loose hair, Akali wasn't sure who she was looking at. "That explains why you barely talked to me last night."

Ahri grimaced. "So you noticed."

"I'm smarter than I think you or your wife give me credit for, yeah." There went her mouth again, always getting her in trouble. Familiarity breeds contempt as they say, and Akali couldn't keep a respectful tone in her voice if she was comfortable with someone. Shockingly enough, it earned her few friends.

She glowered out the window, trying not to be mad at herself and failing. "Look, you don't have to be nervous around me. I'm just a nobody. And you, you're." Where could she even start with Ahri, this perfectly sculpted figure from her earliest fantasies, her most vivid dreams? She'd been chasing after Ahri's shadow her whole life. "You're a god. You don't need me."

All too soon they arrived at Akali's place. The dojo, and Shen's home attached to it. Turning to her, Ahri's smile and casual demeanor dropped entirely. For once, she was deadly serious. "When I was growing up there were a hundred girls who could have eagerly taken my place, and fucked the producer for the opportunity."

Startled by her blunt words, Akali leaned in to let Ahri know she was listening.

"I work very hard, but the truth is I am also just extraordinarily lucky." Ahri waited, taking care with how she chose her words. "More of this industry boils down to chance than anyone wants to admit."

The car idled, a low rumble. Akali wasn't sure what she should say, or if Ahri was even done talking. Ahri didn't seem sure either, struggling with something Akali couldn't begin to understand, and then she sighed.

"What I'm trying to say is, I'm not perfect, and you're not a nobody," Ahri said. "I don't want you to join KDA if you think that. And if this is about need, then we need you a hell of a lot more than you need us."

"Me?" Akali repeated the only part she could clearly understand.

"Yes, Akali. You. Everything about you. You're real. You're hungry for what you haven't had a taste of yet." But Ahri was the one who seemed ravenous just then, something almost desperate trying to claw its way out of her stoic expression. The distance between them shrank, the brim of Ahri's hat knocking on Akali's forehead. "We've been too well-fed for too long."

I don't want you to join KDA if you think that.

Want.

She didn't know if she wanted to join KDA. Or if there was even anything she wanted, anymore. Akali had been floating aimlessly for months now, and suddenly there were too many paths and she wasn't prepared for any of them.

Want.

Ahri's eyes dropped down to Akali's mouth, and she licked her lips.

She knew exactly what she wanted.

There wasn't any resistance, and barely any space left between them when they kissed. She wasn't even sure which of them had broken the air with that final movement. Ahri slipped her hat off, getting it out of the way, her hand shifting from the wheel to Akali's lap. She didn't know when that had happened, either. The only thing she knew was a pleasure so keen it could almost be called agony. It burned white hot over the split in her brain, no right or left hemisphere, all animal instinct, a hungry little reptile wriggling towards the heat of the sun.

Sparks flew, just like all the songs said they would. She saw nothing but blazing light behind her closed eyelids, disbelief making her body numb until Ahri touched her and brought her to life again.

Her hand immediately went for Ahri's breast, palming her over her dress and then under it. She'd always been fast, liked to go for the kill. Akali didn't care about the car motor still running or the broad daylight outside or that anyone could see them. She wanted flesh in her hands and she wasn't going to wait. Nimble fingers found Ahri's nipple, rolling it greedily until it was stiff enough to pinch.

"Oh, god," Ahri whimpered, sounding tormented, confused.

Akali pulled back sharply, hand over her mouth. It was still warm. It still smelled like Ahri.

She finally got a good grasp on what that was: roses thick on the back of her throat, heavy florals, and something base, something animal and thick as blood on her tongue.

On the other side of the car, pressed against the driver door, Ahri didn't fix the strap on her dress or her half-exposed chest, pink nipple still pert and swollen like it wanted more attention. Ahri's cheeks flushed, with embarrassment and with the heat still dripping from her gaze.

Then clarity returned to her eyes. Then panic.

"Akali," she started, covering herself up, but Akali was already gone. She slammed the car door shut behind her, heart pounding in her head as she stiffly walked back inside her home.

Retreating to her room, she slammed that door too, slumping down to the floor with her head in her hands, all her thoughts replaced with wordless screams.

It only took a few days for her to come to a decision. There was no other choice she could make, not with everything she was feeling, with everything she knew was right.

She turned them down, politely, via email. She hit send.

Not even an hour later, Evelynn was blowing up her phone.

Ahri was too nice to say it but you'll never get an opportunity like this again in your life

With Evelynn, at least, she didn't feel so bad about her naturally grouchy disposition.

oh so youre goign to throw a tantrum bc i dont want to deal with you???? thats cute

She tapped out furiously, hands shaking.

i bet getting rejected stings a lot to people like you

who never have to hear 'no'

Briefly she thought of what Ahri said, about fucking the producer for the position. She didn't think that was what almost happened, but at the same time they had crossed a line. They had crossed every line. And she was here yelling at her wife.

well too bad you can just get over it

you dont even like me

is this because of me? is it something I did?

I do like you, Akali. I told you I liked you.

fuck

A very long pause. She thought that might be the last she ever heard from KDA, from Evelynn, from Kai'sa, from her idol, Ahri, Foxy, her goddess.

Then an hour later, one mournful text.

I like you so much

She knew, more or less, when Ahri told Evelynn what happened in the car.

Because the next text message was all alone, almost sinister.

maybe its best you didnt join us

Definitely bait. Akali had returned to making music, doing good on her promise. Taking heart from what Ahri said, that she didn't need them. Akali felt it must be true. She didn't need anyone. Hadn't life already proved that? After she gave up everything for one person, and that person hadn't ever even properly supported her, had told her she was wasting her life.

She didn't need people like that anymore. She didn't need anyone, she didn't need to share with anyone and she didn't want to share.

what does that mean

Akali took the bait anyway. She was bad at ignoring provocation, always ready to fight.

Ahri doesnt fuck bandmates

The words were like taking a dip in ice water after a workout. All the burning rage left her body, replaced with shame. Irrationally she wanted to set the phone on the ground and bow to it, like that could somehow get across her embarrassment, her almost-sin.

but if you're lucky

Evelynn texted,

she might just fuck a groupie

and Akali went red-hot again, out of anger, and lust, and confusion.

The stars in her room didn't shine any brighter, but she got over that, too.

On one of her rare days off, she locked herself inside with her new computer and a set of noise-cancelling headphones. Swiveling from side to side in her chair, she leaned back and closed her eyes, nodding along to the beat. It wasn't much more than snare drums and a synth but she thought it sounded pretty good.

Akali did not lack in confidence, usually.

Maybe in the aftermath of a wretched breakup she had gotten a little weak. She couldn't blame anybody but herself for that.

Restarting the track, she sat forward and opened up her editing software, wanting to play around with it some more, when she heard a knock.

"I'm busy, Uncle Shen," she called back.

A lengthy pause, and then a softer knock. Rolling her eyes, Akali stalked over and swung open the door, ready to be confrontational.

"Hi," Ahri said, and in a panic Akali almost slammed the door shut in her face.

It was a close thing. She clung to the door handle with both palms, crouching like she was ready to bolt. "Oh, shit!"

Ahri started laughing. "Oh, shit? Is that how you greet me?"

"Yes. I mean no!" She took a few steps back, rubbing her eyes. They burned from staring at the computer screen. "I mean... shit. You're still in town? I thought you'd left by now."

Getting a better look at her, Akali found her body posture oddly cute, hands hidden behind her back like she had a secret. "Mm. Nope. Kai'sa finds the mountains very inspiring, so she wants to stay here a little longer."

The other woman very clearly wanted to be annoyed, but all she could muster was fond amusement. She probably loved it that Kai'sa was being such a little artiste. It seemed like she and Evelynn both enjoyed indulging her when they could.

Awkwardness burned between them. So Akali did what she did best and bustled on through it. "So what do you want? I already told you no. And I'm sure Evelynn will be really happy nobody is gunning for her wife anymore, unless you have other girls you've been making out with."

Taken aback, Ahri pressed her lips firmly together. "Evelynn likes your music. She likes you. Kai'sa does too. We..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Now you're gonna tell me you're not predatory like everyone else in the industry and you're cute and nice so that means I should trust you."

"Most idols don't even make any money for their first few years." Ahri's voice took on a harder edge now, annoyed. Akali found it refreshing from that unending sweetness, that carefully controlled politeness, the sugar over the ice. "Eve and I are backing this almost entirely by ourselves. That means no debt for the living arrangements, for feeding you, for filming you, for training you—"

"Ahhh. So now you're saying I have to sign on with you."

"No!" Those soft brown eyes were focused on her, burning with a heat that had nothing to do with the summer sun outside. "I mean I— didn't want to coerce you into this decision, but yes, it's true. I'm giving you something you'd be crazy to throw away!"

Ahri rubbed her forehead, suddenly exhausted.

"...I didn't come here to snipe at you," Ahri said at last. "I'm sorry. I know I muddled things up. You have every right to reject my offer."

"Uh, yeah," Akali said. "I'd say so."

Taking a moment to collect herself, Ahri inhaled deeply and then dropped her head in a deep bow.

"I'm sorry," she said again, eyes hidden by a curtain of blonde hair. "I just wanted to see you again, and apologize properly. That's all."

"Mhm," Akali said, not impressed in the slightest. "I remember what happened the last time you 'just' wanted to spend more time with me."

A wine red blush spread over Ahri's cheeks as she glancing up from her bow to pout at Akali. "Okay, yeah. I know that wasn't right of me. What do you want me to say? I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." Some of her steel started to droop, sadness taking over. "And if that's why you decided not to join..."

Akali couldn't take any more apologies. "Stop."

Waiting patiently for an explanation, Ahri slowly realized none was forthcoming. "Okay."

That should have been the end of it. There wasn't anything left to do except say goodbye. She couldn't be with Ahri, not the way she wanted. Being in the same band as her would only hammer in all the things she could never have, until pining turned into bitterness. Akali didn't want to fight for Ahri's attention. And the cold hard truth was she had to share her. Not just with her wife, but with the whole world.

She needed to come to grips with the fact that she wasn't the only person who loved Ahri...though she probably never really loved her at all. Heck, she didn't even know her. Just like any other fan, she loved a version of Ahri she had built in her head.

"Your wife is the one you should be apologizing to, anyway," she finally said.

Ahri's bark of laughter made her blink. "Don't worry about Eve. She's just jealous I got to you first."

She what?

A curious light entered her eyes, voice edging closer to suspicion. "Come on, Akali. It's an open secret that Eve and I aren't monogamous. Is that why you freaked out?"

Akali refused to answer that. "So how much of you asking me to join was just because you two wanted to fuck me?" Akali accused her instead.

But instead Ahri just smiled, shameless for once. "Uh. About twenty percent? I thought I kept a good lid on it until you kissed me."

"You kissed me."

Ahri shrugged. "Either way I was being selfish."

"Because you don't fuck bandmates." She tried for anger again, for something pointed. In truth she said it because she wanted Ahri to hurt. Apologies weren't cutting it, not for all the conflicted feelings Ahri was responsible for.

"...I don't," Ahri said, studying her hard.

Instead, that lingering sexual tension ramped up to an unfathomable degree.

"I never have," she went on, "Unless you count Eve. And Akali, there's only so much my ego can take. So if we're done here please tell me. Otherwise I'm going to need you to lock the door."

Akali's pulse pounded, like the abandoned beat still bumping from her discarded headphones.

Grabbing Ahri by the forearm, she dragged her further into the room, shutting the door and pinning her against it with a kiss. Ahri wound her arms around Akali's neck, mouth already open, tonguing her roughly like she wanted to hurt her too, but was just as bad at it.

"Is this what you were really after?" she asked, shoving her harder against the door when Ahri started to push back. Ahri let her, submitting, head rolling as Akali kissed down her neck. Both hands cupped her breasts, filled and overflowing as she squeezed and kneaded.

"N-no," she said, offering some token resistance before Akali bit her bare shoulder. She hissed, squirming. " —yes, fuck, fuck, yes."

She stood between Ahri's legs, hiking up her dress and getting just a taste of soft thighs before she stroked right over her underwear, as gently as possible. Ahri pushed her hips forward, seeking friction, and Akali met her pace, working two fingers over damp fabric until Ahri was cursing under her breath.

Then Ahri started shaking with helpless giggles. Pulling back, Akali frowned at her until she remembered what was right behind her, plastered to the wall. Just to confirm, like she didn't already know what she'd see, Akali glanced over her shoulder to glare at a life-sized poster of Ahri on her bedroom wall.

Akali closed her eyes, wanting to sink into the floor. "Pretend you didn't see that."

"That's a dinosaur of a print," Ahri said, trying and failing to muffle her giggles. "I recognize that limited edition sticker! How long have you had it?"

There was no way she was going to answer that. But while she was distracted, Ahri took over. She had a way of manipulating the people around her without effort, in her career and evidently in her love life, too. Their position swapped so fast that Akali didn't know when or how it happened. When she tensed to step away, her back hit the wall, and moving any direction meant some part of her touching Ahri.

"Did you want an autograph?" Ahri whispered, lips brushing over her neck.

Yes. "No."

She got chills, body throbbing as Ahri worked open her belt with both hands, roughly yanking, demanding more. "Do you want this?"

Definitely yes. "Only if you aren't too busy, I guess."

Ahri sealed her lips on a patch of Akali's neck, hard enough to leave a mark. Then she changed gears and blew a loud raspberry, shocking a laugh out of Akali. She squirmed, shrieking in laughter and rubbing her neck with one hand.

"Kai'sa was right," she teased her. "You are cocky."

Once she got ahold of herself again, Akali was flush with embarrassment. She hadn't expected Ahri to be so silly; some part of her still wanted a fight.

"Yeah." She grabbed Ahri by the wrists, stopping her when she tried to slip her hands down Akali's pants. Hefting her up over one shoulder, she smiled when Ahri squeaked. It was a short trip to the bed, dropping her hard enough that she bounced. "Well you won't be complaining when I'm knuckle-deep inside you."

A look of genuine distress crossed over Ahri's face then. She sat up, crossing her arms over her chest in an X. "Whoa! Pause! Being totally serious here for a moment: don't do that. I don't like penetration."

Some of the heat of the moment fizzled out, leaving Akali to awkwardly reassure her. "Oh. Um, that's okay. I'm not too crazy about it either, to be honest."

"Neat." Another big grin from Ahri. Then she wiggled out of her dress, tossing it aside and looking up at Akali expectantly. "It's kind of nerve-wracking, isn't it? Learning how to make love to someone new."

Akali agreed, but couldn't say as much. Her eyes were glued to the gold necklace around Ahri's pale neck, the chain draped over the sharp angle of her collarbone. It perfectly matched the one Evelynn was always fiddling with; Ahri just didn't often wear a neckline low enough to display it.

She shrugged out of her shirt but not her pants, carefully taking a seat next to Ahri on the mattress. There was still time for one or both of them to change their mind; this felt more permanent than any contract Ahri might ever throw at her. They couldn't go back, not from this.

But it was hard to be scared of that idea when Ahri had that proud smirk on her face, eyes bright with devilish intent. She leapt onto Akali's lap, wriggling closer as she reached behind herself to unclasp her own bra. "So how thin are these walls?"

Her palms framed Ahri's waist, tracing the way it blossomed out into full hips. Akali reached further down, grabbing Ahri's ass with one hand and kneading it possessively. "Very."

Ahri let the bra drop, grinning even sharper now as she fluffed up her hair with one hand, pushing it back from her face. "Then I guess we'd better keep your mouth occupied."

Two hands coiled into her hair, working her ponytail loose before gently massaging her scalp. Akali closed her eyes, hot and relaxed at the same time. Those hands guided her down, along with a murmured request. "Play with my breasts a little."

"Okay." She took as much of Ahri into her mouth as she could, sucking and licking her nipples until Ahri was grinding on her lap. Ahri didn't keep her hands to herself, stroking down the back of Akali's neck and passing over her shoulders, soft noises of approval humming low in her throat.

Then Akali stopped, sitting back and putting both hands flat on the mattress. "But only a little."

Ahri complained, pushing her back against the mattress, knees straddling her waist. "More than a little!"

"Shh," Akali reminded her, free arm around Ahri's waist and pressing one finger to her mouth for silence.

She ran her thumb over Ahri's lips, pleasantly surprised when Ahri instinctively opened her mouth to let her inside. Breathless with excitement, she watched, fascinated, as Ahri took her thumb up to the knuckle. Her tongue flicked over it once, lips tight as she dragged it free and took Akali's index and middle finger instead, moaning softly around them.

"You can do better than fucking a groupie on a twin-sized mattress," she said, in a whisper.

Her fingers dropped from Ahri's mouth, tracing a wet trail down her chin before dipping below her waistband. She found her, stroking her clit, and was immediately rewarded with another noise of pleasure.

"Oh my god, Akali." Ahri's gasping words barely made it past the sound of Akali's pounding heart. Her clit twitched every time Ahri said her name like that, already soaking wet and she hadn't even been touched yet. "You still don't get it, do you?"

Ahri held her tight, rocking onto her hand, breathing heavily. She was unbelievably soft, skin ghostly pale against Akali's tanned hand. This close to her, Akali couldn't resist leaving bruises wherever her mouth could reach, spilling drops of red and purple paint all over the canvas. With every stuttering twitch of her hips, Ahri came so close to coming that Akali could almost taste it.

But just before she did, Ahri stopped her. A breathless exchange ended with her kneeling over Akali's shoulders, digging into the mattress on either side of her head.

"You're not just a fan to me." She stroked her head, fondness swimming in her eyes. Akali looked up at her, feeling defenseless even though Ahri was the one stripped bare. "You're the competition."

She did taste her then, completely overwhelmed by the thighs pillowing her face and Ahri's bare sex rutting against her tongue. Ahri was incredibly gentle, careful where she rested her weight. She took Akali's hands, folding them with hers and pinning them against the mattress. Every inch of her burned, sweat and sex making her thighs sticky when she desperately pressed them together, trying to find relief.

Briefly she entertained the idea of drawing this out, but she didn't get to tease Ahri for long before both hands were on her head again.

"Like this, Akali," she said.

Hearing Ahri tell her exactly how to get her off was enough to have her fumbling open the top button of her pants, hands shaking as she touched her own slit.

"Good girl, Akali." She twisted onto Akali's tongue, gasping. "Oh, good girl."

She'd never been with someone like this before, so in tune with her own desires and so unafraid of asking for more. Locking her lips around Ahri's clit, she narrowed her eyes and remembered to breathe, licking Ahri until her jaw hurt. Her own orgasm was on the precipice, so close but not enough, and she couldn't focus on getting both of them off at the same time.

Ahri came on her face, messily, shaking, quiet. The world shrank away, all her concentration on drawing out what she could until Ahri lowered herself down back to lie alongside Akali. Her intense gaze wavered slightly from exhaustion, like a guttering candle flame.

"Can I touch you?" she asked, and when Akali nodded she traced her sex over her pants. She was wet enough to have soaked through her underwear, a cool, damp spot pressing between her legs as Ahri found her pants ruined too. "God, you're wet."

Ignoring that for the moment, Ahri openly admired Akali's abs. She kissed them, tongue stroking over them and down the sharp furrow of her hips. Impatient, Akali pulled her pants and underwear down past her hips. Ahri returned to her face, kissing kissing Akali as she stroked over slick, dark curls.

"Please." Her throat was almost too tight to squeeze it out.

Ahri's serene smile returned. She pressed a little harder, framing Akali's stiff clit between her fingers. "Please what?"

"Please," was all Akali could say.

Ahri kept up indirect contact, petting and stroking just around where Akali wanted until she buckled.

"Please touch me." The words spilled from her lips, not held back by embarrassment or pride any longer. "Please make me come. Please, I'm so close."

"Look at me." It wasn't an order, not exactly, but it was impossible to disobey. Locked together with her arms around Ahri's neck, she struggled to keep quiet, to keep her eyes open.

Ahri watched her fall, anchored her as the world went blank, and when it was over, stroked her hair as she trembled furiously.

Her first instinct was to move away and get some breathing room, but that almost toppled her over the edge of the bed. Instead she wound together even tighter with Ahri, who snuggled up against her, face to Akali's chest.

"That was fun," she said, thumb tracing a slow circle over Akali's hip. "I should have done that the moment I met you."

Akali propped her chin on top of Ahri's head, still reeling a little bit, but also strangely underwhelmed by how normal this part still was, just like with any other girl she'd ever touched. "You would be in jail."

Ahri huffed. "Excuse me?"

Slapping a hand around on her bedside table, Akali found her phone. She held it up, scrolling through albums until she found the picture. Maybe it was embarrassing, but she'd just come in less than a minute from Ahri's delicate fingers stroking her off, there wasn't anything she could do that was more vulnerable than that.

"Here." She showed Ahri the picture they took together when Akali was fourteen. "You probably don't remember, but there was this private event in the next town over. I scaled the wall to get in, cause I didn't have a ticket. When I fell flat on my face in front of you onstage, you—"

"Oh my god!" Ahri bolted upright, gasping in shock. "Nosebleed Girl?! That was you? I tell people that story all the time!"

Akali sat up too, cheeks warming. "...I'm not sure if this is better or worse than you not knowing me at all. Thanks for the photo, by the way."

"Awww, Akali." Ahri reached out, pinching both of her cheeks. "You were a baby, how could I have said no?"

She couldn't help but scowl at the memory. "Yet you still had security escort me out."

"Sweetheart, you broke in. Keeping you wouldn't have been fair to the fans who paid."

Keep me, a little voice inside her said. Keep me now. Want me.

She wrestled the urge down, firmly slamming a door shut over it and locking it shut. "Would've been nice to get an autograph, too."

Ahri's smile turned devious. "Thought you didn't want one."

She could have insisted that she didn't. It wasn't too late. But instead her face kept warming up until she knew she must be bright red, and Ahri started laughing. Flopping back against the bed, Akali pulled a pillow over her head. "Shut up."

The mattress shifted as Ahri got up. Akali waited, hearing fabric rustling, and assumed that the other woman must be getting dressed. It was bittersweet. She hadn't expected Ahri to stick around, but she wasn't ready to say goodbye yet, either.

Then a warm weight dipped over her, Ahri's naked body pressed against hers. Akali lifted the pillow to see Ahri straddling her hips again, a black marker in her hands. She uncapped it, the stringent scent of alcohol hitting her as she slowly dragged the tip over Akali's bare chest. By the time Akali caught on to what she was doing, Ahri was already done.

She couldn't read it at this angle, but Ahri had written what looked like an entire screed all over her breasts, long and large enough that it sprawled down Akali's sternum.

It would have made sense to be angry, or amused, at the expression of smug satisfaction on Ahri's face. Like they were playing a game, and Ahri had won, somehow.

Akali's hands curled into fists at her side, arousal pooling up between her legs again. "Are you done, or did you want to add your manifesto, too?"

"Oh. You're right, I did forget to add something."

Ahri shifted lower, and this time Akali could clearly read property of Foxy over her thigh, bordered with hearts and flowers. Ahri capped the marker again. She tossed it aside, kissing just under her handwriting.

A low hiss escaped Akali, fists gripping the sheets now as Ahri kissed her way up between Akali's thighs. "Open your legs for me, Akali."

Akali realized she must be getting off on this. Ahri had to be getting off on this, the knowledge that every time Ahri said her name she clenched with need. The fact that Akali loved her with that unique fannish desperation people give to idols. It could have made her angry if it were anyone else. It should have made her angry.

Instead she sank into the sensation of Ahri's mouth cleaning the sticky come on her thighs, her hands spreading her lips open to gently kiss her entrance, thumb rubbing eager circles over her clit. She used her fingers and her mouth, more communicative than any other partner she'd had before.

Is this okay? Is this too deep? Is this how you like it?

"That's it, Akali," she said as Akali started to fall apart underneath her again. An appreciative hand stroked over her stomach, coveting the divots of her abdomen, tracing every hard-earned muscle. "One more time, just for me."

Tears pricked at her eyes from the struggle to keep from shouting. She saw stars even when she closed her eyes, bright lights spinning in her head until she came down with a whimper. Ahri's tongue was a firm presence against her clit, pressed hard to her but not moving, not until she stopped twitching. Only once Akali had calmed down did she start again, a slow, torturous drag.

This time Akali thrashed, fists tangled in Ahri's hair, thinking, I can't, I can't, I can't, I couldn't, I shouldn't, except she could and she did, coming like a frazzled broken wire, sparks shooting off erratically, just on the edge of pain.

Taking Akali's hand, Ahri and guided it between her own legs. Eager to take back some measure of control, Akali explored with her hand what her tongue had already known. Akali thought she couldn't come, not again, not until she felt Ahri twist on her palm and cry out loud.

She came so fast.

The sound of her, of wet flesh and sharp breathing, and the smell of her, overwhelming.

"One more, Akali, one more for me," Ahri encouraged her, the force of her own climax leaving her sounding tormented.

And she couldn't tell Ahri no.

Ahri worked her slowly, as if she knew this one needed to be savored. Or maybe she was being merciful, knowing at this point Akali was sensitive to the point of pain. Her last orgasm shocked her, seized her up, and she forgot herself entirely as her back arched up off the bed, and she shouted yes!, or maybe she just thought it so loud she imagined Ahri could hear it. Surely it was etched out over every inch of her body, like the ink running down her wet skin.

"Stop!" she finally gasped when Ahri's breath huffed against her overheated flesh, since Ahri was evidently going to keep at it until she begged her not to. "Stop, stop."

She drifted in and out for a solid minute, chest heaving. Akali was vaguely aware she was drenched in sweat, the writing on her body probably smudged to the point of being illegible.

Ahri's cool hand touched her cheek, face fading into her vision. "Are you okay?"

She nodded, too winded to speak. This time when Ahri slipped from the bed, she really did get dressed. The dress straps slipped back over her shoulders, brazenly marked with Akali's own signature. The bite marks had blossomed out nicely, every inch of her exposed neck and chest clearly bruised, unmistakable for anything except what it was.

Ahri noticed too, a wry smile on her face. "Can I borrow a scarf?"

She gave Ahri one of her jackets, pulling the hood up over her head and tugging the strings. "What are you going to tell Evelynn?"

"I'll tell her we had sex. And it was very good."

That firm hand gripped her chin, guiding her in close for another lingering kiss.

"She won't be mad?" Akali couldn't help but whisper, feeling ashamed again and wishing she didn't.

Thankfully, Ahri was fine reassuring her some more. "With how much she flirts with Kai'sa, I have a feeling we'll need to re-establish some boundaries soon. But no, she won't be mad."

She frowned deeply. "Is this band just a front for you two to pick up chicks?"

"It's not." Ahri blushed a little. "I really wanted you to join KDA."

Akali eyed her, still wary. "If you say so."

A soft sigh. Ahri zipped up her jacket, adjusting her purse on her shoulder. "The contract is still valid for a good long while," she told her. "If you ever change your mind, Akali, you know how to reach us."

One last shiver as she said her name, but less intense than before. The fever had passed, and neither of them said goodbye as Ahri walked out of her room, and shut the door behind her.

The next few days passed like a dream. She spaced out mid-conversation, staring out the windows or brooding on the roof where Shen couldn't find her. Her music still waited, everything she wanted to share with the world still in-progress.

When she had washed off Ahri's words from her body, she could just faintly make out a word or two. All my love, and to my biggest fan, and hugs and kisses. She'd really gone all out with it.

A week later, a thin cardboard tube arrived with her name on it. Even without a name attached, even before opening it she had a feeling she knew what was inside.

Cautious, Akali unrolled the poster. It wasn't from any photoshoot she recognized, and as a Foxy superfan, she knew about most every single one. Despite herself, she was impressed. Foxy had been working on rebranding her image for years, and here was a final proof of concept. Ahri was posed on a plush chair, wearing form-fitting black and white with a long blonde fox tail draped over her lap. It was elegant. It was sexy. No more bubblegum pop. Three business cards and a letter also fell from the poster, and Akali bent to pick them up.

This is from a top secret project, Ahri's handwriting said, more flowers and hearts and smiley faces scribbled on all the margins. The pre-orders go live tomorrow, no one else has them yet. So if you leak it sooner, remember, I know where you live.

Akali's voice was dry as she spoke to the air. "I'd like to see you try to take me on."

Examining the business cards now, Akali couldn't fight a smile. They were KDA's professional contact information, and the name of their agent. A note from Ahri explained further.

Even if you're striking out on your own, you'll still need friends. KDA will always be here to support you and share the stage.

Damn it.

Akali wanted to be mad still, but it was hard when Ahri was being so damn cute. Rolling up the poster, she set it down beside her chair.

"I don't want to share," she said, to no one.

The last person I shared with hurt me, so, so bad.

Sitting back in her chair, Akali stared up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on her ceiling.

Then she scrambled out of her bedroom, pulling a hat on and hopping into her shoes at the doorway.

She ran nearly every single day. She ran to build stamina and to keep her physique and to get away from the house and a million other reasons.

So she was only mildly out of breath when she reached the house Ahri and the others were renting. Spotting Evelynn's car outside, she nodded to herself and quickly scaled the fence. It was easy; she dropped down on their lawn and jogged right up to the front door and banged on it with a balled-up fist.

"Hey! Open up!" she said. "Is anyone home?"

She heard faint movement inside, then the door lock clicking. When it swung open, Evelynn stood there, an absolutely poisonous glare on her face.

"Miss Akali," Evelynn said, "Do you know what time it is?"

Oh. Akali glanced at her phone, grimacing at the early hour. "Uh. Sorry. It couldn't wait. I mean I have your number but I didn't want to call. I mean this is important! I need to do this in person!"

As she babbled, some of the ice melted from Evelynn, replaced with concern. "Slow down. Is everything okay? Are you in trouble or something?"

"No!" Akali took a deep breath. "No."

Then she yanked the contract from her backpack, freshly printed with her name signed at the bottom. Holding it in both hands, she extended it to Evelynn, bowing politely.

"I want to join KDA."

The resulting silence burned, weighing her down until she finally dared to look up at Evelynn.

The other woman had a hand tight over her mouth, eyes shining with barely constrained laughter.

"Oh my god," Evelynn said in between careful, deep breaths. "Ohhh, this is gonna be good."

"Evelynn?"

She stepped forward, closing the door shut behind her as she forced Akali back a few steps.

"Tell me honestly," Evelynn said, and after a moment Akali realized she needed to stand her ground eventually or Evelynn would chase her right to the front gate. So she stood still, forcing herself to not back off when Evelynn was right there, close enough to touch, chest to chest. "Did you change your mind just because Ahri fucked you?"

She knows. Of course she knew, Ahri said she'd tell her. Ahri probably told Evelynn she'd try to make a move before it even happened.

"And you'd better tell me the truth," Evelynn added, "Or I won't let you inside."

Because I want to share. Akali stood firm, even if she couldn't help but crane back a bit, leaning away from Evelynn. Some small part of her wanted to run away even now, wanted to hide somewhere she didn't have to take any risks, or let anyone near her, or let anyone close enough to hurt her ever again. Admit it. Say it. Even if I make it big somehow it'd all be meaningless if I didn't have someone to share it with.

Then she hung her head, knowing she wore her heart on the sleeve and knowing Evelynn was probably shrewd enough to see she wasn't telling the whole truth.

"Because I'd— I'd—I'm—" Akali stammered.

Spit it out, stop being a coward, be the firespitter, spit it out, admit it!

"I'm—" she took a deep breath. "—Lonely. I'm so lonely. And I c-can't take it anymore."

I'd rather die than spend one more day as lonely as I feel right now.

Evelynn stroked her necklace thoughtfully, eyeing her over.

"I see."

That was all she said. At first.

Until she reached out, gently pulling the contract from Akali's hands.

"Let's take a look at this over breakfast," she suggested, moving so that she had one arm over Akali's shoulders. Akali was swept up in that familiar scent again, sweet leather and chocolate and bitter pine. Belatedly, she realized that jacket, the one Ahri let her keep. It must have been Evelynn's. The other woman guided Akali back to the house, opening the front door for Akali. "Kai'sa can make enough for four."

Too thrilled to be stunned, Akali let a huge grin take over her face. "Yeah?"

"Yes." Evelynn casually pinched her cheek. "And then you and I are going to talk about exactly what you expect from my wife."

Her stomach plummeted, nerves making her want to backflip right over the fence she'd just scaled. But before she could lose her nerve and dig her heels in, they were inside the house and she'd slipped her shoes off.

"Honey," Evelynn called out, an amused smirk on her face. "Are you up? You're going to want to see this."

She gave Akali a sidelong glance.

"I brought a surprise."

bittersweet, undefeated creature – against you there is no defence

— from Anne Carson’s translation of Sappho’s fragments, entitled If Not, Winter

#when i see you #kda #lol #fanfiction #xeksplicit

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crazedlunatic · 5 years ago

Text

Watching Blaine On TV

So you know: The twins call Kurt Daddy and Blaine Dad. Sophie calls both Kurt and Blaine Daddy.

“THE SNACKS! I FORGOT THE POPCORN!” Five year old Nicky shrieked, running for the kitchen and coming back with a huge bowl of popcorn.

“We’re not supposed to have food on the couch.” Three year old Sophie huffed. “If Daddy comes in, we’ll get into trouble.”

“Dad is going to be on the TV and Daddy is on the phone with Aunt Rachel. It could be ages.” Zachy said eagerly.

“Daddy’s on TV?” Sophie gasped. “Why?”

“He’s gon’ yell at people!” Zachy clapped his hands together.

“Plus, we’re not on the couch.” Nicky said, plopping on the floor. “TURN ON THAT TV!”

Zachy grabbed the remote, flipping until he found the appropriate channel, and then slid onto the floor next to his twin. “Gimme popcorn.”

“Don’t eat it all, Munchie. Daddy says you eat as much as Dad.”

“It’s true.” Sophie hopped down, moving between them and forcing them apart so she could sit in the middle. “Bowl, please!”

“It’s Dad!” Zachy exclaimed.

“DADDY!” Sophie shrieked happily, hopping up and down. “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!”

“Shh!” Zachy and Nicky said, Nicky pulling her down.

“But why’s Daddy on TV? Why?”

“Work.” Zachy whispered as Nick waved his little hand to shush them.

“DADDY!” Sophie squealed as the TV showed Blaine again. “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!”

“Shh!” Nicky said. “We don’t wanna miss when he gets mad.”

“Why?” Sophie tilted her head to the side and blinked at him with hazel eyes.

“’Cause it’s funny when it’s not at me.” Nicky giggled. “Hey! Hey, watch this, Zachy!”

“Don’t. Last time you got into—trouble.” Zachy finished as Nicky threw popcorn in the air and managed to catch a whopping none in his mouth.

“Fifty second rule!” Nicky said, scooping the pieces up and shoving them eagerly into his mouth.

“It’s the five second rule.” Zachy said.

“Daddy!” Sophie squealed, kicking her little legs up and down excitedly and clapping her hands. “That’s my tie! I gotted it for him!”

“Got.” Zachy said, pushing three pieces of popcorn in her mouth to make her be quiet.

“Yummy!” Sophie cheered.

“Uh oh. There it goes.” Nicky said, flailing his hand to quiet them.

“Dad’s mad face.” Zachy gasped. “Uh oh. He’s in trouble now.”

“GET HIM, DADDY!” Nicky chanted. “GET HIM! GET HIM!”

“That judge is ugly.” Sophie chimed in, hiding her face behind Nicky’s shoulder. “And scary. Will Daddy catch the ugly?”

Blaine said something to the judge who nodded. Blaine got a rather triumphant smirk on his face and the camera flashed to the other lawyer, who look pissed.

“THAT’S OUR DAD! YEAH! TAKE THAT, DUMMY!” Nicky yelled, jumping to his feet and doing a dance.

“It’s not over yet.” Zachy sighed, tugging him back down. “I’m pretty sure this is just the beginning.”

“Well he’s on a roll!” Nicky pointed at the screen. “You are. On. A. Roll!”

“What’s that mean?” Sophie asked, tugging at his arm.

“I ‘unno. Daddy says it a lot.” Nicky shrugged.

…

“Are we ready for this?” Fifteen year old Nick called the second they made it into the house.

Thirteen year old Sophie sighed and set her backpack down. “I have Algebra homework. Can you help me, Zach?”

“After the trial.” Zach grabbed a bag of chips and three sodas. “Dad better make this guy’s life a living hell for the last month he’s put Dad through is all I have to say.”

“Oh, he will. He’s ready for this to be done.” Nick grabbed some popcorn and put it in the microwave.

“Will you two ever not watch a trial that is aired when we’re not in school?” Sophie sighed. “They’re usually boring.”

“I’m telling you, Soph. It is amazing to watch Dad get angry at someone who isn’t me.” Nick grinned.

“But he doesn’t always get mad.” Sophie protested. “In fact, he usuallydoesn’t.”

“But it’s amazing when he does.” Nick said. “Shut up and turn the TV on.”

Sophie scoffed and sat on the couch, snuggling up to Zach who was already finding the channel. “You can’t tell me to shut up.”

“I just did.” Nick plopped on the couch and dropped the bowl of her popcorn in her lap seeing as she was in the middle.

“Aw, Daddy looks so cute in his little suit.” Sophie cooed.

“I told him to wear the Harry Potter tie since he was going to be on television but apparently that wouldn’t have been appropriate.” Zach mock sighed and shook his head, opening his can of soda.

“It doesn’t technically look like its Harry Potter. It looks like two five year olds and one three year old tried to make it look like Harry Potter.” Nick said, tossing three pieces of popcorn into the air and catching all of them.

“It shows his sensitive side.” Sophie said, punching his arm halfheartedly. “And that is what it is. If you hadn’t felt the need to contribute so much,Pooh Bear, it wouldn’t have looked as bad.”

“Shows his sensitive side? The entire world knows he is gay because Daddy is a famous designer and Daddy can’t keep his mouth shut about his ‘beautiful husband and kids’ in interviews. They probably know more about Dad’s sensitive side than we do.” Zach snorted.

“I know Daddy and I are beautiful, but I don’t know what he sees in you two.” Sophie teased, reaching up and ruffling Zach’s curls and Nick’s straight hair.

“Don’t call me Pooh Bear.” Nick said darkly, messing her hair up.

“Pooh Bear, Pooh Bear, Pooh Bear!” Sophie and Zach chanted together. “Pooh Bear, Pooh Bear!”

“You two make my life so difficult.” Nick said, mock scowling.

“Well I’m still mad you kicked me so hard in soccer practice yesterday.” Zach huffed. “Would you like to see the bruise again?”

“No thank you. And I’m still mad your guinea pig doesn’t know how to shut the hell up.” Nick huffed right back before making loud screeching noises.

“Don’t make fun of my guinea pig.” Zach pouted.

“Can I make fun of your cat?”

“No.”

“Your snake eggs?”

“They are lizard eggs, for your information. And shh. Daddy still doesn’t know about those and he’s in his office. It’s Tuesday.”

“Ah, darn. You know he hates it when we watch Dad’s trials.” Nick frowned.

“No. Dad hates it because you follow him around spouting off random numbers and words like they are laws and yell quotes from inaccurate television shows.” Sophie corrected.

“I’m sure he appreciates my interest in his career. It is, after all, paying for my education and my extra soccer lessons so I can get into school on a soccer scholarship. Right, Zach?”

“Meh.” Zach shrugged. “Good luck with that. I plan to be done with soccer after we graduate—if I even make it that lo—mmph!”

“Shh! Daddy’s talking!” Sophie said, clasping her hand over Zach’s mouth.

They all three watched interestedly until Nick stood up and pointed to the screen. “You just made him mad, sir, and he’s going to take you down!” he declared. “I hope Uncle David is watching this. He appreciates it when Dad’s angry too.”

“Uh oh, Daddy’s pissed.” Sophie said.

“It’s so nice when he uses that tone of voice and it’s aimed at someone other than me.” Nick said, plopping back down and eating some more popcorn.

“I thought I heard children down here watching things Blaine doesn’t like you to watch.” Kurt laughed coming into the room.

“It just got good, Dad.” Zach said, scooting so Kurt could sit down. “You’re just in time.”

“Yeah. The Evans lawyer just said something that made him get The Face.” Nick added eagerly.

“The face? If Blaine needed any push to win this one, he’ll have it.” Kurt said as the camera zoomed in on Blaine again. “Oh, God. He is pissed. He better win this or we’ll hear about it for weeks.”

“Or you can make him forget about it with… well, you know.” Nick said, wiggling his eyebrow.

“This just got very awkward.” Sophie moaned, covering her face.

“Blergh.” Zach said, glaring at Nick. “Thanks for the mental images.”

“Your room is across from theirs. Like you’ve never heard it if I have.” Nick shrugged and then said, trying to sound like Blaine, “Children and father, sex is just a part of life. And either way, Dad is going to get sex—either congratulatory, happy sex or angry, pity sex. I suggest finding your headphones and making sure they’re handy, brother and sister, because after the goodnights and I love you’s, it’s on.”

“Have I mentioned how much simpler and quieter my life would be without you lately, Nick?” Kurt asked.

“Daily.” Nick grinned.

“I blame Daddy’s sperm for this.” Sophie sulked. “I wish I had sisters.”

“Hey now. Zach is like a carbon copy of Dad, so you pretty much do.” Nick teased.

“Oh yeah?” Zach said, reaching over Sophie and punching Nick hard in the shoulder. “What was that?”

“Come on. The curls, the reading, the borderline scary devotion to animals. If you were gay, I would be under the impression that Dad cloned you.” Nick shrugged, rubbing his shoulder. “And that hurt.”

“Shut up, Dad’s on.” Kurt said, leaning over also and shaking Nick’s shoulder. “This is why I don’t like you drinking soda. It makes you the hyperactive son that I absolutely adored when you were four.”

“If you loved me when I was four, why wouldn’t you want me to act that way?” Nick grinned.

“Because Daddy can only take so much before his head explodes.” Kurt said very seriously. “Now shh and watch the television. Let’s agree to not tell Dad we watched this, alright?”

“Deal.” Nick, Zach, and Sophie all said together.

…

“According to Hopkins Law 35 point 4 dash 3 trillion, you are wrong!” Nicky declared four hours later when the front door opened a crack.

“Oh, God. I’m going back to work.”

#wbuct drabble #wbuct prompt

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villainousvillains · 6 years ago

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Loki x Reader - There’s Always More

Requested by Anon: 💚💚 love the blog darling! could you maybe do a loki oneshot where the reader had fallen in love with Loki, but never told him? so loki goes on and gets a girlfriend, introduces her to everyone and the reader is just devastated? and maybe the reader ends up confessing her love for loki during a screaming match they have.

A/N: I’m trying to get back into the writing groove, sorry for taking so long to get something out. I blame summer fever. Hope this is more satisfactory that I think it is lol.

For the fourth time, Loki took the leftover lasagna out of the microwave, touched it, then put it back in.

“You’re taking forever,” I stated, staring at him as I sat on the stool at the counter. I propped my chin in my right hand, annoyed yet entertained by the god who couldn’t figure out the microwave.

“It’s still cold,” Loki muttered, putting a few more seconds on the microwave.

“Then try putting more than…” I leaned over to see the time he had inputted, “ten seconds on at a time.”

“I don’t want to burn it,” Loki said as if he were stating the obvious. I smiled.

“Right. We don’t want another popcorn incident, do we?” I teased.

Loki narrowed his eyes and shook his head at my audacity to speak of such a thing. It was times likes these that overwhelmed me with feelings and made me want to confess everything. Sadly, however, that was not how I dealt with these things. My plan was usually to ignore the feelings until I was over 100% positive the other person felt the same way. Sure, the plan had its faults, but that was how I chose to live my life.

“You’re going to be around tonight, aren’t you?” Loki asked, taking his food out again.

My heart skipped a beat, but I ignored it. “Yeah. Why?”

Loki shrugged. “I just want you to meet someone.”

I nodded, not understanding what that meant at all. That wasn’t really what I expected him to say, but that could still be good, right?

Nope. Not right. Very wrong, I soon learned. Loki had disappeared all day which was something that did happen once and a while, but it had been happening more often lately which both concerned and aggravated me.

He finally showed back up a little before dinner along with the person I assumed he wanted me to meet. All of my fears resurfaced when he walked in with a beautiful girl. Loki didn’t have an arm around her or anything, but it was obvious he was introducing her to everyone as his girlfriend.

His girlfriend. I felt sick.

Not sad, or angry, or… some other negative emotion. Just… kind of sick. I dealt with this by doing the only thing I knew how to do. I allowed a low groan to rumble through my throat and squeezed my eyes shut for half a second before I smiled and walked on over to introduce myself.

And afterwards, I ran to the gym.

“Oh my god!” I grunted, fists clenched. I frantically looked around for some boxing gloves. I had never boxed before, but Steve would do it when he was mad, so I thought I’d give it a whirl. I kept my teeth clenched as I shoved my hands into the gloves.

I would fluctuate between being mad for thinking I even had a chance with Loki, then sad for the same reason. I kept trying to sort out my emotions because that always seemed to help me, but then I realized I couldn’t which only made me angrier.

“You’re really bad at that,” a voice said behind me. I knew who it was immediately and let out a sigh as my hands dropped to my side.

“I know,” I replied, keeping my tone even and calm. I kept my eyes down as I turned around and pulled the gloves off. “Those are… sweaty,” I muttered.

“Are you okay?” Loki asked. “I’ve never seen you… box before.” He walked over to me, a small smile playing on his lips. He really had no idea. I almost went along with it. It would have been easier to pretend I was annoyed by some other avenger and then we could just go back to normal, joking around with each other and me ignoring everything I felt. But I didn’t want to. Not anymore. It was exhausting.

“I thought I’d try it. Steve seems to enjoy it.”

“He also enjoys five hour workouts and going to bed at 7:00.”

I was supposed to laugh, I know, but I kept my straight face. I looked at the ground as my elbows sat on my knees and hands were clasped.

“Do you not like Isabel?”

I pressed my lips together and shook my head. “No, of course not. I like her.” I cleared my throat. “Where did you… where did you meet her again?” Every word I tried to speak hurt so much.

“That movie I went to with Thor,” he replied, the playful smile leaving his face, replacing it with a truly concerned one. He could tell from my tone.

“Right. When I was sick.”

“Yes.”

There was silence for a few seconds. Loki looked around the room while I focused my gaze on the floor.

“So you’re not going to tell me what’s wrong? That usually means it’s my fault.”

I hesitated and looked up at him. “It is.”

“Oh. I see.”

“You see?” I snapped out of my daze and stood up so I wouldn’t have to break my neck trying to see his face. “I highly doubt that you see.”

“You like my new girlfriend just fine, but you’re jealous,” he said triumphantly as if he had solved the most difficult of puzzles. I felt a fire in my stomach.

“I’m sorry,” I said loudly and overdramatically, “What?”

“You are jealous because I may not be spending as much time with you and you-”

“Oh my god!” I shouted. “So many things wrong with everything you just said!” Loki clamped his mouth shut. “Don’t say I’m jealous of anyone ever because that is a petty emotion that only makes you feel like you have some sort of power of me or some dumb shit like that-”

“Wait, Y/n I didn’t-”

“No!” My finger sprung into his face to stop him from talking. “You just don’t understand, and I’m tired of you guessing the wrong thing.”

Loki scoffed and threw his arms out. “Then what am I supposed to do? You won’t tell me what’s wrong! You must know you’re being difficult.”

I almost exploded again, but I instead unclenched my fists and rubbed my hands over my face. “You’re right,” I said, my voice muffled by my fingers. I let out a loud sigh and sat back down on the bench. “I’m sorry.”

Loki shook his head, confused by my outbursts and seemingly random mood swings then sat beside me. “Please tell me.”

“Okay.” I sighed yet again. Maybe if I sighed enough I would get dizzy and pass out. “It is about Isabel.”

“You don’t like her. I knew it,” Loki said firmly, making a fist.

“No!” I groaned with exasperation.

“What else could it be? You obviously-”

“It’s not that I don’t like your girlfriend, it’s that I don’t want you to have one!” I shouted, throwing my arms out dramatically. I just ripped it off. Ripped it off like a band-aid.

Loki’s eyes narrowed and I felt like he was looking through me. I felt judged, vulnerable, stupid. Stupid for feeling these things which wasn’t how it was supposed to work, but that’s just how messed I am.

“What do you mean?” he asked. I knew the look on his face. I knew exactly what he was doing. He had a suspicion and he was going to keep asking questions until he knew for sure in the most painful way possible.

I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t be able to see how much of an idiot I was going to look like. “I mean, I don’t want you to have a girlfriend unless it’s me.”

As soon as it came out of my mouth, I felt gross and terrible. It was because of how vulnerable I was making myself. I abruptly stood up and walked to the complete other side of the room, craving distance between us.

“Why are you- are you going somewhere?” Loki called, standing up. He started to walk toward me.

“No, no. Just talk from over there. I need distance.”

The sound of Loki’s snicker traveled through the air. “You’re so strange.”

I crossed my arms and shrugged.

“I didn’t know,” he said after I didn’t respond.

“I didn’t want you to know.”

“Why?”

I hesitated. I knew why, but how to phrase it? Because I was a coward? Because I was too emotionally insecure? Because I wanted him to just miraculously figure it out on his own?

“I… I was just scared. I think. I wasn’t sure how you’d respond and you know I’m not good at communicating emotions and stuff,” I finally said.

“That is true.”

I gave in to a small smile. A huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

“Did you know that Isabel doesn’t like Reese’s?” Loki asked. I looked at him from across the room to the best of my ability and shook my head a little. “I don’t think I can be with someone who doesn’t like Reese’s. I may have to break up with her.”

I furrowed my brows even more, wondering if I was understanding him right.

“On an unrelated note,” he continued, now pacing the perimeter of the room. “Are you free tomorrow?”

“I, um, yeah of course… I don’t-”

“I can’t quite hear you,” he interrupted, and midway through the sentence, the figure across the room faded away in a green mist. My breath caught in my throat and I frantically turned around, trying to find his true form. I held back a frightened squeal when I turned right into his chest, then I took a step back. “Well? Are you free?” He repeated, looking down on me.

I looked into his dark eyes, glanced at his playful smile, and took a peek at his slightly disheveled hair that he obviously didn’t know about or else he would have fixed it by now.

I loved him so much.

“I’m always free for you, you know that,” I told him casually.

“Your tone and your gaze do not match,” he replied. He was on to me. “Why do I feel there’s more you’re not telling me?”

A brief surge of courage took over and in one swift motion I closed the small gap between us and connected my lips to his. It was passionate and fast, my sensations overwhelmed before I pulled away once my brain caught up to my heart. Loki’s had had made its way to my neck and he held me close as we looked into each other’s eyes, taking in every fleck of color, every slight movement. I took in a short breath so I would be able to get the words I wanted to say out.

“Because…” I breathed, “there is.”

TAGGED:

@sarahivi @ilvermornyqueen @gladerb5 @tbetz0341 @1800-fight-me @nowitsyourturntocry @lokilover2000 @emergenciesstory @savemealoevera @frostymoon11 @stayfrosty-royalsunshine @scarred-neptinite @phonegalhelp @cruisingheightswithdragons @lusty-loki @ourdeliciousfoxcollector

#loki #loki x reader #loki imagine #loki fanfiction #marvel #marvel imagine #marvel fanfiction

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musicprincess655 · 6 years ago

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“Hey, you’re…whoa,” Jun froze as he saw Yuuki. While his – boyfriend? Were they boyfriends yet? – hadn’t exactly dressed up, he definitely looked better than he normally did. Sharper, cleaner lines. Jun was almost sure if he circled around the back he would see jeans that cupped Yuuki’s ass tightly.

He looked good.

“Am I underdressed?” Jun asked. He looked down at his own outfit. Jeans, a button down. There was nothing wrong with it, but certainly nothing special.

“You look great,” Yuuki assured him.

“Yeah, sure,” Jun said, because he wasn’t going to fret over his appearance like a bad stereotype of a teenage girl. “So what exactly are we doing? And why had it been a secret?”

“I’m taking you on the best first date ever,” Yuuki told him. “Dinner, walk in the park, the whole thing. There might even be outdoor music at some point.”

“Does it really count as our first date?” Jun asked, because it was easier than acknowledging how touched he was that Yuuki would go to so much effort for him. “We’ve kind of been together for months.”

“This is the first time we’ve called it a date before we went,” Yuuki argued. “It’s our first date.”

“Fair enough,” Jun said, pushing out of his apartment building. They were halfway down the street before Jun heard an ominous rumbling from the sky. He wasn’t sure if Yuuki heard it or not – it had been so quiet that even Jun strained to hear it – but he wondered if he should turn back for an umbrella.

They’d already left, though, and Yuuki was walking with purpose. Jun wanted to see what that purpose was.

Yuuki led him onto the train and to a brightly lit part of town. A lot of the store fronts looked new and fresh. Jun looked around with interest. He’d never been over here before.

Yuuki froze in front of a restaurant. Jun looked around him at a handwritten sign on the door.

Closed for a family emergency.

“That’s less than ideal,” Jun said. Yuuki’s brow pinched in. “Hey, it’s no problem, there’s plenty of places around we could eat.”

Unfortunately, going out on a Saturday night meant every other university aged person in the city was also out. All the restaurants were crowded.

Eventually, they settled for the least crowded one, waiting for a table to clear up. Yuuki’s brows were still smashed together. Jun reached up to rub at the wrinkles.

“Stop that,” he commanded. “There’s nothing wrong with waiting for a table. It won’t be that much longer.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Yuuki agreed. His shoulders relaxed. Jun let himself lean in so their arms were pressed together.

He only peeled himself off when a table finally opened up for them.

“So tell me about your baseball team,” Jun said when they’d sat down and ordered. “Are you gonna win the tournament this year?”

“Maybe,” Yuuki said. “We have some good first years.”

“The more important question is, are you still starting?” Jun asked. Yuuki gave him a look that said you’ve got to be kidding me. “Alright, alright. So as a follow up, what am I putting on the poster this year?”

“I say you go even more obnoxious this time,” Yuuki suggested. “We’re actually dating this time, you’re allowed.”

“I wanna see if I can make your coach actually explode this year,” Jun said.

“My entire team thought you were my boyfriend last year,” Yuuki told him, like that was nothing.

“They did?” Jun asked. Yuuki nodded. “Did you wanna be?”

“Obviously.”

Jun was going to have to have a conversation with Yuuki about dropping lines like that as if they were nothing.

They wound around topics, from Yuuki’s baseball prospects to how the new school year was treating Jun so much better. It wasn’t until Jun’s stomach started rumbling that he realized they’d been sitting there for almost an hour with no food.

“Should we ask someone?” he asked. “I know they’re busy, but…”

“Excuse me?” Yuuki asked politely, flagging down their waitress. “We’ve been waiting for an hour for our food.”

“Oh!” She blushed. She looked really young, younger than both of them. Jun winced in sympathy. He’d had a first day in the service industry before. “I’m so sorry! I’ll check on them right now!”

She hurried off.

“See?” Jun said. “No problems here. Just a busy night.”

“I just heard your stomach growling.”

“And we’ve been having a nice conversation. I can wait a little.”

Their waitress showed back up with their food, apologizing profusely again. Jun dug in immediately, too hungry to wait. It was lukewarm, but Jun didn’t care too much. It tasted fine.

“Do you want to get this warmed up?” Yuuki asked.

“Nah, I’m hungry. I just wanna eat,” Jun said. He’d intended it to soothe Yuuki, but it only seemed to distress him more. That crease between his eyebrows was back.

At least the rest of dinner went without a hitch, and Jun was enjoying himself so much that it wasn’t until after Yuuki paid the bill and they headed for the door that they realized the sky had opened up outside.

Jun should have gone back for an umbrella after all.

“Should we wait for it to clear up?” Yuuki asked, but it was obvious that wasn’t going to be an option. More people were coming in to escape the rain, and it had been crowded before.

“We could just make a run for it,” Jun suggested. “The train station isn’t that far from here.”

“I guess not,” Yuuki reluctantly agreed. He held the door for Jun like a gentleman while they sprinted out into the downpour.

They tried their best to avoid the rain by running under awnings, but people had started to gather underneath them to escape the rain, and they kept having to duck out into the deluge anyway. Jun could feel himself soaked to the bone, but it wasn’t bad. There was something thrilling about running in the summer rain. It was still early enough that all the chill from spring hadn’t been chased from the air, and it made him feel alive as he ran for all he was worth.

He and Yuuki finally stopped to catch their breaths under the overhang at the station. Jun could feel blood hot in his cheeks, mouth stretched into a grin. He didn’t know how he was going to explain the kind of fun that had been for him to Yuuki, but one glance at his partner told him he should figure it out fast.

“Sorry this date kind of sucks,” Yuuki apologized, little self-deprecating quirk to his lips. “Promise I’ll do better next time.”

“This time wasn’t so bad,” Jun told him. “And besides, it’s not like it’s your fault the restaurant was closed or that rain happens a lot during the summer.”

“Still, you must think…”

“I think,” Jun cut him off, “that we’ve eaten worse food with each other before. That was a step up from our usual standards. And I think I loved running through the rain.”

“Really?”

“Dude. Wolf.”

“You had fun running through the rain.” It wasn’t really a question.

“It’s a wolf thing,” Jun explained. “I love running like this. It makes me feel like…I don’t know, like I’m not in the city anymore, like I can keep running until my lungs give out. It’s thrilling.”

Yuuki still didn’t look convinced. Jun stood on his toes so he could get in his face, but instead of telling Yuuki off more, he just ended up kissing him gently on the lips.

Yuuki looked shell shocked.

“Have I ever let you get away with anything if I wasn’t happy about it?” Jun asked. “I’m told I’m difficult. And I’m telling you I had fun.”

“I believe you,” Yuuki told him, wrapping hands around Jun’s hips to support some of his weight and make it more comfortable to stay on his toes.

“Wanna come back to my place?” Jun offered. “I have popcorn and a microwave.”

Yuuki nodded gratefully. They sprinted through the rain when they got back off the train, but since they were already soaked, there wasn’t much point. Jun started laughing, anyway. Maybe it wasn’t the date Yuuki had planned for them, but he was having fun anyway.

Jun only felt a little bad for how much water they tracked into the building. He opened the door to his apartment, still laughing about nothing.

“Stay here,” he told Yuuki, pushing him to a corner of the genkan. “I’ll get towels.”

Jun sprinted over the floor, trying not to scatter water everywhere. He threw a towel across the room at Yuuki.

“You wanna borrow some clothes?” he asked, stripping the soaked shirt over his head. As he cleared it, he saw Yuuki’s eyes flicking over his body. He blushed at the attention, but he wasn’t upset with it. “I don’t think you’ll fit my sweatpants, but I have some shorts you can borrow.”

“I’d like that,” Yuuki said, still toweling off his hair in the genkan. Jun went through his drawers, pulling out a bigger shirt and a pair of shorts and, as an afterthought, a clean pair of boxers. He shoved the pile of clothes at Yuuki and herded him into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, Jun stripped the rest of his clothes in favor of warm, dry sweatpants and a t-shirt. It felt so nice to have dry boxers again.

He was just hanging up his wet clothes to dry when Yuuki came out. Jun bit down on his lip to stop from laughing.

Yuuki looked pretty ridiculous. Jun’s shirt fit tight across his chest, and while Jun’s shorts fit okay around his waist, they were comically short.

“Keep your opinions to yourself,” Yuuki said, although his tone was fond. He picked up Jun’s discarded towel and roughly scrubbed at Jun’s hair.

“What? You don’t want to hear about how you could be a leg model?” Jun teased. “Go start the popcorn. I’ll find a movie.”

Jun set up his laptop at the end of his futon, scrolling through the movies he had downloaded. Some samurai movie seemed like a good bet. Yuuki would like it, anyway. He liked history.

Jun didn’t even realize Yuuki was done with the popcorn until he felt a warm weight against his back. Instinctively, he leaned into it. Yuuki was warm under the rain-cooled surface of his skin.

“What are we watching?” Yuuki asked, his voice just behind Jun’s ear. He definitely felt the shiver that went down Jun’s spine.

“Samurai,” Jun said, in lieu of a real answer. He moved his legs so he wasn’t sitting on them anymore. Yuuki wrapped his arms around Jun’s waist, pulling them together and settling his head on Jun’s shoulders.

Jun didn’t usually feel small. He was perfectly average for Japan, and his personality always made him feel bigger.

But the way he could feel Yuuki’s body curving just to fit around his made him feel small.

He tried to pay attention to the movie, he really did. It was a good one, and he actually wanted to watch it. But he was just too distracted by the way Yuuki’s breath gusted over his shoulder, the warmth of the cheek by his neck.

It wasn’t until the credits were starting to roll that Jun realized Yuuki wasn’t paying any more attention than he was. And at this point, what was the point of pretending anymore?

Jun turned in Yuuki’s arms, reaching up to kiss him again. He shifted so his knees were on either side of Yuuki’s, straddling his thighs. It put him higher than Yuuki, and Jun liked that so much that he settled in to stay for a while.

Yuuki slid his hands up Jun’s back, palming at the muscles. Jun whimpered against his mouth, opening up and licking across Yuuki’s lower lip. Yuuki’s lips parted under his, tongues gently probing against each other, impossibly warm against the lingering chill to their skin.

Jun shifted a little. He wasn’t going to start grinding against Yuuki, not so soon, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be closer. Yuuki’s hands felt so big and warm against his back, and Jun wiggled as they moved aimlessly, exploring.

Yuuki kissed along his jaw, moving to his neck, tilting Jun’s head to the side. Jun exhaled a breathy moan. It was a sensitive, vulnerable spot, and the trust they shared for him to let Yuuki so close was the most delicious part of all of this.

They shifted until they were on their sides facing each other, one of Jun’s legs thrown over Yuuki’s waist. Slowly, the kisses ebbed away until they weren’t there anymore, and Yuuki and Jun were just facing each other.

“You can stay here tonight,” Jun said, his voice hoarse. “Your clothes aren’t dry yet.”

“Are you sure?” Yuuki asked.

“I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t mean it,” Jun said, but he was too sleepy to put any of his usual snap behind it. Under the quilt he’d pulled over both of them, it was just this side of too warm, and he was settling in, eyelids heavy. “Go to sleep.”

Jun listened to Yuuki’s breathing slow until he had to be in sleep, and only then did he finally let his eyes slide closed, listening to the steady beat of Yuuki’s heart.

#tetsujun #juntetsu #daiya no a #ace of diamond #dna #my writing #magic au #cosa

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mielikki-austin · 4 years ago

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My imperfect recollection of the pilot episode of 9-1-1: Lone Star

So, Master Pancake did a live mock of the pilot for a show I somehow never knew existed called 9-1-1: Lone Star. JD and I watched it, and told friend Josh about it the next day. Me: I have to describe this show though Josh: please do Me: so this was made recently Rob Lowe is a fireman his son is also a fireman they live in NYC so RL was firemanning when 9/11 happened and he keeps a bit of melted slag on his desk Josh: This already sounds like the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon where he's setting up a huge collision between a plane, a tanker truck, a dinosaur, and whatever other toys he has around. Me: RL is tortured because many of his friends have died from 9/11 cancer, and in the episode he finds out that he has.... LUNG CANCER! (dramatic music!) His son, who is gay (dramatic music!), has a history of drug addiction (dramatic music!), and ODs when the man he proposes to dumps him (dramatic music!) we're like 10 minutes in at this point Meanwhile, in Austin! Josh: Okay, you can cancel the previous statement I made. Me: A security guard puts a foil-wrapped burrito in a microwave, and sets an entire manure plant on fire, which explodes and kills the entire Austin FD except for one guy (dramatic music!) Josh: okay now this is turning into my favorite movie ever Me: Some Official Guys come to NY and ask RL to head the Austin FD, which he initially refuses because he loves NY so much but when his son ODs, he decides he's gonna move to Austin with his son and they're going to whip the FD into shape and he'll live with his son in a gorgeous house with a view of the Hill Country that costs $4500/month to rent Josh: (Checks off "The Refusal Of The Call To Action" from the Joseph Campbell monomyth checklist.) Me: RL gets applications for firefighters "from all over the state" He hires: -a Muslim woman who has 6 citations for insubordination, because she is a loose cannon -a black trans guy -an illiterate Hispanic guy who can't pass the written FD test, but has a heart of gold the one guy who WASN'T killed from the last batch of firefighter guys applies, but is a dick, barely keeps himself from ripping RL's head off in the interview, denies he has PTSD, but loses his shit when RL says he isn't ready to come back (dramatic music!) Josh: This is already a lot. Me: Meanwhile! Josh: WHAT MEANWHILE THERE'S ALREADY TOO MUCH STUFF TO DO A MEANWHILE IF YOU WANNA DO A MEANWHILE YOU GOTTA GET ANOTHER MOVIE Me: Liv Tyler is seen screaming outside of a house, accusing the occupant of murder. Josh: WHYYYY THIS IS TOO MUCH MOVIE Me: she runs out into the street to the crowd of people who've gathered to watch her scream at a closed door, and a kid in the crowd is having an asthma attack! (dramatic music!) Josh: WHAAAAAAA Me: She scolds his dad, who says he can't afford to take the kid to a doctor because he is poor and Hispanic She tells him to come to her vaguely-described clinic or business or something The police show up, and they know her, because her screaming at this door is apparently a regular occurrence Evidently her sister disappeared and she thinks someone in the house (or maybe the house) murdered her sister. (dramatic music!) NEXT, the FD is called out to a spicy food emergency Josh: NO EFFING WAY JD: This is not a movie, it’s a show and this is the first episode Me: a man eats a hot pepper and starts to die (dramatic music!) Josh: NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPERS NOPE Me: RL and the multiculture pals show up, and start dick-swinging "clear the area, the FD is here!" Josh: Was this one of those "written by an AI trained on disaster television" scripts? Me: Then Liv Tyler shows up and swings her dick and tells RL &c. to back off, because unlike in NY, the FD has to back off in medical emergencies to her, as head of the PARAMEDIC DEPT (dramatic music!) Josh: How... um... how... how did any of the actors deliver their lines without falling over laughing? Me: RL is skeptical, and she says "You didn't read the Travis County manual, did you?" and throws the spicy food victim on the table, cuts his lung open, and saves his life (dramatic music!) Josh: wait no no no no Me: next emergency! (dramatic music!) Josh: no cutting on lungs that's not a thing you do for spicy food NO MOAR EMERGENCIES EVERYONE GO TO BED NAO Me: a woman is in a car wreck, her car is upside down on the road and we find out that she is PREGNANT (dramatic music!) RL directs everyone to do things, because the water on the road smells like gas, and jaws of life are invoked, and stuff happens Josh: of course stuff happens absolutely everything happens in this thing nothing is not happening Me: then the woman cries "but my baby!" Turns out, there was another child in the car (dramatic music!) everyone looks for the baby, who is eventually found 30 feet up in a tree (dramatic music!)

Josh: YOU ARE MAKING THIS UP THIS IS NOT A REAL THING THAT REAL HUMANS MADE FOR SERIOUS Me: he was flung out of the car (still in his car seat) into the tree when the car rolled I AM NOT KIDDING Josh: I KNOW YOU ARE NOT KIDDING BUT I ALSO DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE THIS THING WAS ACTUALLY MADE Me: Meanwhile! Josh: NO MOAR MEANWHILE I MEAN IT TOO MUCH MEANWHILE MOVIE Me: Guy with PTSD is at home getting shitfaced and continuing to insist to his black wife (dramatic music!) that he doesn't have PTSD she reminds him of his nightmares and stuff he whines that it's not fair Josh: that checks out Me: she reminds him that she is black so he can shove it with this not fair bullshit Josh: new favorite character JD: Seriously this is a 48 minute pilot Josh: it was gonna be toddler-in-a-tree but black wife is my new favorite character Me: she coaxes him to take her out to the apparently one bar is Austin, which is possibly the actual Broken Spoke bar Josh: WHY NOT Me: so they can at least get fucked up in a bar instead of at home like losers turns out, RL and Liv Tyler and their crews are there celebrating after the tree baby incident Josh: this movie needs more Adderall. Or less Adderall. I don't know. Me: Liv dares RL to join her in line dancing, which RL is REALLY GOOD AT (dramatic music!) Josh: YAY RL YOU MIGHT HAVE PICKED A BAD MOVIE BUT YOU'RE STILL AN OKAY DUDE Me: RL explains that country was really popular in NY a few years back Josh: It was. Sigh. He's not kidding. Me: RL also has a touching moment with his gay drug son, who thanks him for making him move to Austin, then gay drug son starts line dancing with, I think, illiterate Hispanic guy with the heart of gold? Josh: BINGO That's a BINGO on the card I just invented for this pilot. Me: black wife confronts RL in the parking lot and tells him to SAVE HER HUSBAND because he SAVES PEOPLE RL agrees to let clearly mentally unstable PTSD guy come back to work THE NEXT DAY Josh: IF THIS THING MEANWHILES AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD Me: PTSD guy comes to the station, and notices all the dead flowers people had left for the dead fireguys at the station in the garbage so he immediately starts giving RL shit about being a city slicker who is a Big Damn Hero because of 9/11 who's coming down from on high to help the FD that was fucked up by exploding poo RL says "I have cancer" (dramatic music!) Josh: YES Me: and PTSD guy is all, okay, but you're still on my shit list for throwing away the dead flowers then he turns the corner, and over the bay where the trucks come out of the station is a thing with the pictures of all the dead poo firemen and a sign that says "WE REMEMBER" or some shit (dramatic music!) PTSD falls down and starts crying Josh: YAAAAAY Me: RL tells him it's going to be okay and PTSD is a bummer and stuff then a little white girl and her white mom show up to give cookies that they made to the new crew, turns out they are the daughter and wife of one of the dead firemen Josh: this show just fires pathos at you like a six-year-old with a t-shirt cannon Me: cue montage of Muslim woman praying, trans guy considering his skin care regimen (I forgot about the part where RL helps trans guy with his skin care regimen), illiterate Hispanic guy is cleaning the firetrucks or something, and roll credits Josh: THREE MORE PATHOS PLEASE FOONT FOONT FOONT Me: I wanted to lay it all out before I forgot, and marvel at the trope-fest Josh: How many people wrote this movie? And how much speed did they have in the writers' room? Me: all of it oh man, check these out; the first episode was a harbinger of trope saturation to come: (Wikipedia episode synopses) "The team responds to a man suffocating in corn within a grain silo" "The team is called to a brawl at a male strip club; Paul helps Josie, who got hit in the eye with stripper glitter." Josh: I like how they have to clear out a rattlesnake infestation with a fire extinguisher. Me: "At a sirloin eating contest a woman collapses" Josh: "Owen gets good news about his cancer while learning that his experimental immunotherapy drug was tested on dogs, some who were abandoned. He adopts Buttercup, a Bernese Mountain Dog who has the same kind of lung cancer, as the 126's new semi-destructive mascot." Me: "On another call at a cow breeding facility, a disgruntled customer sets a fire to distract from his theft of bull semen." Josh: "On another call, a handyman's epileptic seizure is mistaken for electrocution." THIS PAGE IS THE GODDAMN BEST JD: And don’t forget this is all very clearly filmed in Southern California that is standing in for Austin Me: yeah, the trees were all wrong Me: "On another call Grace helps an older man with a flu who ingested a cloud of cremains while disposing of a friend's ashes." "The team responds to a used car lot event where a bull got caught in the side of a vehicle and needs the hydraulic jaws-of-life" "a man hit in the head reveals to the paramedics he has CPPD (calcium pyrophosphate dihydrate crystal deposition disease), a condition characterized as extra painful arthritis. En route to the hospital he goes into cardiac arrest needing defibrillation; the treatment reacts with the man's ingested medication causing a toxic vapor which causes the ambulance crew to pass out, and the vehicle to flip." Josh: THIS IS AUSTIN WHY ARE THERE BULLS EVERYWHERE Me: "The team at 126 deal with a call at a gender reveal party when a man is burned by a grill." TEXAS TEXAS TEXAS JD: Austin is a small town where people ride horses to work Josh: I'm not gonna lie, living in this fucked version of Austin would be awesome. Me: Jesus. Just read the whole last episode.

"Chaos ensues in Austin when a solar storm causes the electricity and power equipment to malfunction. Them 126 team has to rescue the passengers of a light aircraft caught in the lines of high voltage electric towers while transporting a sick man for a liver transplant. During an outing with Carlos, TK questions his relationship with him after Carlos begins asking. When the malfunctioning traffic lights cause several accidents, they rush to help people before the 126 arrives. In the homeless camp, Michelle discovers that her lost sister is alive and living there. Michelle and her mother try to get her back home but she chooses to stay at the camp, despite her schizophrenia. With the lines scrambled, Grace gets a call from the damaged ISS, and manages to connect its last astronaut, dying from radiation poisoning, with his family to say goodbye. Back at the park, TK confesses his addiction to the rest of the team and that he's realized he wants to be a firefighter after all. Later, he also reconciles with Carlos."

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bungou-stray-dogs-indulgences · 7 years ago

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in light of the new chap w yet another dazai ex machina, what else do you think he's bad at? he's canonically a bad driver and a bit clumsy (falling and getting injured mentioned during his dark era convo w odasaku), but what else? also maybe for atsushi, akutagawa, and chuuya?

Most of them are a bit silly/random, but if you want more serious topics feel free to request again and I’ll fix you up♡

Dazai Osamu

Making friends. Most of the time Dazai sees people as pawns or simply beings to manipulate. Even if he’s friendly with his coworkers at the ADA, his last true friend was Odasaku.

Opening things. He’ll struggle with a bottle of soda for hours only to have it explode with fizz, packages in the mail are an absolute nightmare, and the pickle jar’s his arch nemesis. Sometimes Dazai horribly ruins the mood because he’s struggling to get a condom out of the package and goddamnit the thing just won’t open.

Cooking/baking. His idea of making dessert is cracking open a tub of ice cream, pouring on some chocolate syrup and going to town. If he’s feeling really ambitious he might rip open a box of instant brownie mix and add too many eggs. As far as cooking actual meals- well, don’t even go there.

Singing. Despite the fact that he serenades his showerhead—often—and might initiate a karaoke session while drunk, he doesn’t exactly have that smoky, seductive tone (or any tone) that pops male singers to the top of the charts.

Shopping. He will get distracted by the smallest of things and a trip originally meant for picking up a gallon of milk morphs into him wandering through the produce section pointing out all the fruits that look weird. Online shopping’s even worse— don’t let him within ten feet of ThisIsWhyI’mBroke.

Nakajima Atsushi

Accepting failure. Atsushi simply can’t take losses easily; he’ll beat himself up over whatever he did wrong for months. Letting mishaps go is nigh unto impossible.

Remembering song lyrics. Karaoke sessions with Atsushi are a disaster because he’ll forget a line in the chorus and it’ll throw him off until he’s a mumbling mess. Naturally he feels bad for ‘ruining’ the song and everything plummets from there.

Any sort of mechanical maintenance, at all. Whether it’s a car’s oil change or fixing a microwave that never quite seems to get the center of his food warm, any machine is too much for Atsushi to handle and he ends up just staring, lost, until he inevitably gives up.

Drinking. If you can actually convince him to down anything alcoholic, prepare for a drunk, sleepy mess in seconds. One jello shot is all he needs to get plastered; not to mention pure drinks. A single swig of fireball not only has him gagging, but also on the floor for the next three to twelve hours.

Video games. He always gets seventh place or worse in Mario Kart and he’s extremely salty about it to the point that if someone asks him to play, he’ll politely refuse (unless, of course, it’s Kyouka).

Akutagawa Ryunosuke

Talking through problems. His solution to everything is to just brute force it, and when that doesn’t work, he’ll ignore or internalize his issues.

Birthdays in general. First of all, there’s three hundred sixty five days in a goddamn year, how is he supposed to remember when each and every Port Mafia member that’s ever said ‘hello’ to him was born? Gifts? How the fuck is he supposed to figure out what someone else wants? Parties? Don’t even go there. If he’s in a bad mood (he always is) he just Rashomons the balloons.

Laundry. For years he didn’t realize you can’t use bleach and laundry detergent interchangeably and kept ruining clothes. He still refuses to separate lights and darks and just dumps everything in the washing machine at once. Folding simply doesn’t happen. All his clean clothes simply sit in the laundry basket until he wears them.

Swimming. Not only does he hate getting wet, he’s about as good at navigating the water as a dead dog. Unless he’s got floaties (and you look me in the eyes and tell me this is a man that consents to using floaties) he’s just stuck flailing. Or drowning.

Keeping plants alive. If he really put his mind to it, Akutagawa could probably kill a plastic potted plant. The poor grass outside his house can testify.

Nakahara Chuuya

Apologizing. His hotheaded nature means he gets into fights easily, but dealing with the aftermath doesn’t come so naturally. Chuuya hates saying sorry and he’ll only do it if he’s really out of line, or he’s apologizing to someone he cares deeply about.

Impulse buying. Of course, when you’re swimming in money, dropping a few thousand dollars on a galaxy-printed pool table is no biggie, but the fact still remains that blowing an entire week’s wages in one afternoon surfing the internet is probably not the most financially healthy decision.

Sudoku. Puzzles in general make Chuuya want to rip his hair out but the numbers based ones especially make his head ache. Whenever the whole thing implodes and over half of the boxes end up not working out he gets unreasonably angry and powerbombs the thing halfway across the room.

Board games. Not only will he be in last place, he’ll be incredibly salty when he loses. Prepare for the cold shoulder anytime you kick his ass at Monopoly.

Remembering peoples’ names. If he cares for someone or they’re important for a mission their name will stick in his head, but random people like neighbours a few houses over or people who frequent the same bar will completely slip his mind. It’s probably a good thing he never went to high school because he would never remember his classmates when he ran into them at the grocery store.

#Bungou Stray Dogs #Dazai #Atsushi #Akutagawa #Chuuya #Dazai Osamu #Nakajima Atsushi #Akutagawa Ryunosuke #Nakahara Chuuya #BSD Headcanons #Bungou Stray Dogs Headcanons

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tiny260 · 6 years ago

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31 Horrific Days: Day 1

Writing Prompt: The character goes out on a date (or an outing with a friend) and comes home late that night to see all of their furniture moved/stacked oddly, rotten food in the fridge, but no signs of entry or security issues.

1984

“Sooooo?” Lisa looked over expectantly to her friend as the credits rolled on the theater screen before them.

“There’s no way in hell that’s a PG movie,” Michelle answered, shaking her head at the screen.

“Parental Guidance, emphasis on Guidance.” Lisa rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, and any smart parent would ‘guide’ their kid away from a movie where a Gremlin explodes inside of a microwave.” Michelle made a face. “Seriously, how did they even DO that effect?”

“What, and the ghost blowjob is totally fine for kids?” Lisa shook her head in bemusement. “They’re both bad for kids… and both totally bitch’n! We should do Double Features more often!”

“Oh my God, you actually said ‘bitch’n’ in public.” Michelle stood up. “We are no longer friends.”

“Good luck getting someone else to offer you a ride home then!” Lisa laughed as she walked out of the theater with her. “By the way, how’s the move-in coming along?”

Michelle snorted. “Oh yeah, it sure is coming. Had to hire a full team to move in all my ten pieces of furniture.”

“Hey.” Lisa put a hand on Michelle’s shoulder. “You’ve got a bed. You’ve got a phone. You’ve got food-”

“If you can call cheap canned beans food.”

“And,” Lisa forcefully continued, not allowing Michelle to deter her, “you’ve got a halfway decent apartment after living in that drafty piece of shit that’s somehow legally allowed to be called an apartment for five years!”

“And all it took was every penny I saved in college,” Michelle smirked.

“Can’t you at least pretend to enjoy a happy turn of events for once in your life?”

“And give you the satisfaction? Not likely.”

“Oh fuck you too!” Lisa laughed as she lightly shoved Michelle’s arm. The two of them climbed into Lisa’s well-loved Chevvy, the headlights shining against the darkness of the late night as she revved her car into action.

“-eel like, somebody’s watching me!” the radio sung out as it flickered to life.

“A lot of people would kill to be in your position, you know.” Lisa put her arm around Michelle’s seat as she turned herself around to back out of the parking spot.

“Still sleeping in a twin-sized bed at twenty-four?”

“Oh stop snarking for once in your life and let me give you a morale boost.” She kept a hand on the stick as she shifted gears, pulling out onto the streets. “You’ve already got six months of rent paid off ahead of time. You’ve got a nice place to live, you’ve got a GREAT job. Yeah you’re broke right now, but give it some time and you’ll be the one paying for lunch.”

Lisa looked at her smugly. “I expect only the highest quality gold plate lobster for how great of a friend I’ve been once you’re rich.”

“Altruistic to the end, I see.” Michelle rolled her eyes with a smirk on her face.

“Michy…”

“Alright, alright,” Michelle sighed. “You’re right. Happy?”

“As a clam!” Lisa beamed, smiling at the road in front of her. Michelle rested her elbow on the car door, pressing her palm into her cheek.

“It’s just… yeah. Things will pick up soon,” she said. “That’s the entire idea. I knew it would be like this since freshman year. I knew what I was getting into from day one.”

“I feel a ‘but’ coming along…”

“It’s frustrating, and I’m being stupid,” Michelle assured. “But I feel like… I’ve been doing this since college. Living off as little as possible, saving every last penny I made all to get myself to a comfortable spot once I graduated. And now that I have, I just… like I said, I’m just being stupid. I’m impatient, I want to be living comfortably already after busting my ass for a Master’s. I mean, hell, I’m getting SICK of living off canned food. I’d love to be able to go home and have my kitchen stocked with real food, y’know?”

“Mhm,” Lisa nodded, keeping her eyes on the road as she slowed to a stop at a red light. “I’m honestly shocked you’ve managed to last this long, honestly. I’m not nearly as strong as you.”

“It’s not strength, it’s just being stubborn,” Michelle laughed.

“You turn being stubborn into a strength,” Lisa insisted. “Hell, it’s the foundation of your career, isn’t it?”

“No, I founded my career off spite,” Michelle corrected. “When you decide to graduate with a Master’s in Engineering and fight tooth-and-nail for a position in Silicon Valley for no other reason than a bunch of assholes told you girls can’t work with computers when you were twelve, that’s just being spiteful.”

Lisa, who had heard this story a hundred times before already, quietly nodded along. “And yet you turned that spite into drive. That’s admirable, no matter what anyone else tries to say.”

Michelle chuckled. “How would I ever get by without my own personal hype-woman?”

“Well for starters, you’d be taking the bus everywhere…”

A harsh buzzing noise interrupted the song as it closed out on the radio, catching both women’s attention.

“An apparition event is reported as occurring on Morse Avenue. If you are in the immediate vicinity of Morse Avenue, seek shelter immediately until deterrent forces have contained the situation.”

Lisa groaned as the announcement continued. “Shit. Looks like I’m not going home anytime soon. God, I hope my place isn’t wrecked when I get back…”

“Doesn’t your insurance cover Spook attacks?”

“Yeah, but the rates are going to skyrocket if one of ‘em caves in the front of my place!” Lisa leaned her head back against the headrest, glaring grumpily at the night before them. “I wish Gremlins were the Spooks we had to worry about. Hell, I think I’d take ghosts over these things, at least they could be contained without calling in the military.”

Michelle looked at her friend sympathetically. “…you wanna stay over at my place for the night? I can roll out the air mattress for you.”

“You.” Lisa reached a hand out, touching Michelle’s shoulder. “Are the absolute best. Anyone ever tell you that?”

“You have,” Michelle rolled her eyes as Lisa lightly shook her. “Multiple times.”

“Then maybe it’ll eventually set into that stubborn brain of yours!”

Half an hour passed before the elevator doors opened onto the floor that held Michelle’s apartment. Lisa had a spring in her step as she followed behind, Michelle digging into her pocket to pull out a slim wallet with a single key affixed by a metal ring to a punched hole in the corner of the front flap of her wallet.

“Hey! Hey, Michy!”

Michelle turned around with mild bemusement as she watched Lisa jump on the spot a few times.

“The floor isn’t falling apart!” Lisa beamed at her. “And it doesn’t smell like mold’s in, like, every wall!”

“Okay, I get it.” Michelle rolled her eyes with a smirk on her face, stopping in front of her door. “I moved up in the world. I should be happy I’m not in a dump. You broke me, your optimism has infected me like a fungus.”

“Pfft, I wish,” Lisa scoffed as Michelle unlocked her door. “Honestly, you need more optimism in your life. If I actually could infect you with…”

The first thing Michelle noticed was that something was off. She wasn’t even consciously aware of what it was when the door swung open, one brief glance simply set off an alarm in her subconscious that there was something that wasn’t as it was supposed to be.

A second later, she was able to properly work out what it was. The small CRT she had in the corner was moved directly underneath the window, stand and all. The power plug was still plugged into the same outlet, stretched out to accommodate the new placement of the television and keeping it far too close to the edge of the stand for her own personal comfort.

The air mattress was also rolled out, but deflated and crumpled with the air pump sitting on top of it, half-covered by a pillowcase… with the pillow that originally went inside torn in half and stuffing spread across the living room floor, trailing back to her bedroom.

Two seconds after Michelle began visually taking in the room, she and Lisa were both hit with a powerful, rancid oder that made the both of them recoil and physically gag.

“What the shit…?” Michelle grabbed the collar of her shirt, lifting it so the fabric was covering her mouth and nose. It was just barely enough to keep her from outright losing her popcorn. While Lisa remained in the hallway, pressing her hand against the far wall as her other hand went to her throat in an effort to keep her own gagging to a minimum, Michelle stepped into her apartment and turned to the kitchenette.

To say it was a mess was an understatement. Every drawer was pulled open, her cabinet door was practically torn off its hinges, the fridge was pulled away from the wall, and every conceivable surface was covered in rotten, in some cases half-eaten food. Mashed potatoes with the fat of a steak spread out over the sink, a roast that looked and smelled like it went bad days ago sat in the pantry between cans of beans, old caved-in onions that had bugs nesting in them littered her floor… Seeing everything right there, she almost threw up on the spot.

Michelle staggered out of her apartment, slamming the door closed behind her as she gasped for fresh air.

“What the actual fuck?” she asked the air.

“Yeah, uh, I was going to ask the same thing!” Lisa shook her head. “Did-did you kill someone and stuff their body in your apartment? Because all you’d have to do is ask and I would’ve found a much better place to…”

“Please, if I wanted to kill someone I’d be public about it and go down with style,” Michelle cut her off. “No, some asshole ransacked my place and dumped a dumpster full of shit in my kitchen.”

Lisa blinked. “Uh… okay, who and why?”

“I don’t fucking know!” Michelle threw her arms into the air. “All I know is that my place is a mess and I am pissed and I want some fucking answers!”

Half an hour later, the two women were standing with the superintendent and a member of security in the complex’s monitoring station. Security had that evening’s tape on a small black-and-white CRT, running through the timestamps of the footage.

“And you’re sure nobody strange entered through the front?” Michelle asked the superintendent again. The elderly man shook his head.

“I think I would’ve noticed someone dragging a bag of rotten food in, little lady,” he insisted. Michelle’s fist clenched for a second underneath her crossed arms. “Tonight’s been quiet.”

“What about the fire escape?” Lisa offered. “Maybe someone climbed up that way and…”

“My windows were locked,” Michelle shook her head. “And nothing was broken. Someone must’ve picked the lock of my door, or… or stole a spare key or something.”

“You’re sure your windows were locked?” security asked, confusion in his voice.

“Positive,” Michelle insisted. “Why?”

Security moved his chair aside, gesturing to the footage on the CRT that stared down the hallway Michelle’s apartment was on. People moved around at super-speed in the footage, entering and exiting their rooms. None of the figures exactly carried around a trash bag, and no figure except Michelle approached her door.

“Nobody came in through the door…?” Lisa asked in confusion. “Then… how?”

Security and the superintendent looked between each other, shrugging.

“Well someone didn’t just teleport into my place!” Michelle snapped.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” the superintendent said simply. “It doesn’t make sense, but there’s the facts for you.”

“Oh!” Lisa’s eyes widened. “What if it was a manifestation event? A Spook appeared in here and…”

“Those don’t happen inside of buildings!” the superintendent said quickly. “And they sure as sunshine don’t happen that high up, I run a safe establishment here!”

“Right,” Michelle said bitterly. “Safe from Spooks, just not from crazy motherfuckers who can teleport inside of homes and mess the place up. The hell am I paying for?”

“Look, I don’t know what to tell you,” the superintendent insisted. “I’m just as confused as you are.”

“Maybe, but you don’t have to deal with that stench,” Michelle said bitterly. “Look, just… I just want to make sure this isn’t coming out of my fuckin’ deposit.”

“Nothing’s broken, so… no,” the superintendent shrugged. “You’ll have to cover your own cleaning costs, though.”

“Are you shitting me?!” Michelle demanded. “Of all the…!”

“Thank you, sir!” Lisa said quickly, putting a hand on Michelle’s shoulder to shut her up. “I’m sure she appreciates the help, don’t you?”

“If this happens again, it’ll be your ass,” Michelle growled.

“Michy let’s not make enemies with your own superintendent,” Lisa said quickly.

Michelle scoffed. “What-the-fuck-ever.” She stormed out of the room, Lisa flashing an apologetic smile as she followed. Security and the superintendent looked at each other.

“Women, right?” the superintendent asked.

“I’d rather not get involved,” security said quickly, ejecting the security tape.

Outside the complex, Michelle sat on the ground with her back to a wall, covering her face with her hands. Lisa approached her quietly, sitting down next to her and placing a gentle hand between he shoulders.

“You okay?” Lisa asked.

“No,” Michelle said honestly. “I don’t want to deal with this right now.”

Lisa nodded in understanding. “We could rent a motel room for the night. Then tomorrow, I can get some trash bags and spray cleaner from my place and we can fix your place up.”

Michelle looked at her. “I can’t ask you to do that for me.”

“It’s a good thing I’m offering so you don’t have to ask then,” Lisa smiled. “C’mon. I’m sure there’s somewhere cheap nearby.”

“Yeah, the two of us renting a cheap motel room for the night,” Michelle smirked. “That’s not going to raise any eyebrows at all.”

Lisa laughed. “Yeah, you wish you could get a piece of this!”

“…no comment.”

“Hey!”

As the two women returned to Lisa’s car, Michelle’s apartment sat untouched in the dark, the rancid, rotting food fermenting in the darkness.

From the warm space behind the moved fridge, a single eye stared out into the dark.

And a long, pitch-black arm with only four misshapen fingers and teeth for nails reached out, clumsily grabbing one of the rotted onions and pulling it back into the dark space behind the fridge. The eye and the onion both vanished.

#31horrificdays #Day 1 #31 Horrific Days #31 Horrific Days Day 1 #text post

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byron1 · 7 years ago

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Microwave door bouncer to keep you from eating garbage. "Where do we Go now" guns & roses/ picking a restaurant Fallout joke: I was at work while you cheating all day. Punchline: I never even got to cheat AND she would tell me about her bounty EVRyday SKIT: Danielle cooking pie (or anything really) and you have headphones on improve rapping to her and it sounds good to me but cut to her with no music and she looks at me very annoyedly Opener: Walks on stage, grabs mic and lays down. "Instead of stand up up I'm gonna try "lay down", it's way more comfortable.. That joke needs a Mitch headberg voice" repeat joke in Mitch headberg voice "com-fort-able" Hotel TV remotes have never been cleaner. Everybody on the phone watching porn and Netflix. The last person to use a hotel remote for porn died years ago Terminator cop in San Diego -what it felt like on mushrooms (terminator slo mo walk by) -what really happened (cop just walks by and shrugs) "Whenever I start dating a girl I buy her a really nice, big purse as a gift. ...Cuz she's gonna be carrying a bunch of my shit around for the next 4 1/2 months" - jack bliss Old west - duel going on in the middle of town. Mayor stops everything -"what are you guys arguing about" "is it worth dying over? I mean I can look this up on my phone" Mayor looks it up on the phone and who ever was wrong gets shot with no countdown ..Watch a little porn. Once you get too familiar with a site you drift to the lesser known porn sites ...This particular website has a top 50 viewed videos.. And you can sort em by 1 day, 7 days, 30 days, and my favorite, "all-time". ..That's just a buncha like minded individuals helpin' each other out.. But you can always tell when a bunch of likeminded weirdos find the site cuz for the 1 Day Most Viewed, it's just a ton of videos of people peein' on each other. And now it's like "maaaan, now I'm not even in the mood. AND I'm disappointed in you PornoTime, I didn't even now that was so prevalent on your site!" And it's usually on a Sunday... All you pee heathens jerkin off on the toilet with your computers on your laps should be at church! But then I'm like ".....let's see what all this hype is about" If I eat Asian food and drink a glass of milk, will I explode? Asians they don't drink milk! I think it's cuz they know. It's like when you have Indian or real African neighbors and that food smell just permeates ev-er-y thing. Unpleasant for the most part. Asians think white people smell like rotten cheese or like the cow aushwitz off the 5. <----Cowlinga. Nasty place. I was on a road trip with my wife and "she's tired" (bitchy voice) so she wants to stop for the night. At night she couldn't tell but in the morning when that sun came up?.. And that stink starts stinkin?.. She's like "oh those poor Asians. We should stop eating cheese for them" And then she puked. Friendricks Smitreaux - hands too small, not allowed in Burger King. Has quarrels. (Jack) Calling GameStop, having a nerdy conversation, with a funny voice. Rb movie voice could be a thing. Do you have x y z Round table pizza local interview podcast Wife's mom with gigantic fat pet and gets scolded by vet. Mom is pissed new underwear lint gets stuck to your dick. About to get a blowjob and she freaks out cuz there's fuzzy berries all over your jimmy wang dong. (Explain in between these sentences how fuzz sticks to your dick when you have new unwashed out of the box underwear) I've done this to my wife since we started dating "Chivalry Gone Wild" - pushing girls out of the way to open the doors for them. Later girl has chivalry ptsd (now she shivers when a guy reaches for the check at a restaurant) "Once I got roofied..." Story ensues "Once I had a crazy dream..." Story ensues Either way you're bored Went into the bank, for the candy of course, why else would you go inside these days. As I reach for the candy, the lady behind the counter says "DON'T TAKE THAT CANDY!...... It's super old.. Here take this, I have a 'secret stash' back here" I was like "You Smoke Weed, huh?" No I didn't say that, I just did the stoner laugh, which basically communicates the same message I have road rage. Like.. bad. But they're really cracking down on that now. I mean you can't even throw the bird these days. So I'm trying to advocate this, in place of the bird, you hit the rear window spray 2 times. (doesn't work if your window is dirty) I'm trying to spread this so people know I'm insulting them..... Also the "up hand", thumbs up is for assholes...... I just don't want road rage to go away, you know?! Went to the grocery store at night and someone was sleeping in the car I parked in front of. I see a middle finger come over the dash. I quickly kill my headlights and the middle finger turns into a thumbs up and recedes below the dash. I like that person.. Soccer needs timeouts like catholic priests need to be able to fuck. Flopping soccer players = selabate priests Lost lake truck sinks into water. Guy goes back for cigarettes brings one pack instead of the ENTIRE CARTON White people now can only do other ethnicities voices while reading a name. (List 3 different "ethnic" names) Buttercup story: weed in New York Trying to get a random buddy to be the third player in the game of RISK is like trying to get a random girl to come back to your house and suck you AND your buddies dicks. "Wanna play a game of risk?" Shit no Instead of people saying "Grizzly Adams DID have a beard" I think we should change it to "Kurt Cobain DID have a gun" "no I swear I don't have a gun" ...too soon?! Liqueur Control Board. Two young kids walk into a bar. They order jäger. Liquor Control comes in and says to the bartender: "do you those kids you served are underaged?" Bartender says "you're out of your Jurisdiction!!! Call the Liqueur Control Board!!" Liqueur Control Board shows up lookin like French cops "(( assholeish French accent thing here))" I work construction..... (Frown face) You THINK you want to shit in a freshly clean porta-potty. But that's not the case. You drop any size turd in that blue water and it's coming back up to splash your asshole. You need a big pile of turd to cushion the blow. I frequent a sports bar, and they allow kids in a certain section and sometimes you don't see these children behind you. So you day-drunkenly yell out "well I can't exactly tit fuck 'er, but they're perfectly shaped!" ((Rule of thirds here, needs 2 more examples)) History Lesson: •Good at art cuz no porn - there was much better art, and I mean paintings, back in the days of yore. Do you know why so many iconic paintings come from this era?! Because there was no porn. You think these guys (Rembrandt, Van Gogh, Monet) weren't drawing weird sex stuff in their spare time?! Of course they were. People think porn took over in vhs days but it's gone back much further than you think Way back in the day, I don't think they had the ADA (American Dental Association), but if they did it would be The Association of Guys that Own Pliers. If you had a tooth ache in the 18th century, your barber would pull your tooth!.. Guess the barber had a set of pliers.. therefore making him.. also a dentist. Hatred for people with red hair bleed over from hatred for the Irish? I just found out I'm Irish.. My dad was adopted and he just did the genealogy thing. Piss on a stick, or something.... I may be thinking of something else.. Anyway, it makes a ton of sense cuz my mom was Swiss. And if you know anything about the Swiss, they don't tend to takes sides, (hmhrph wwii). So when I get high, I'm Swiss: "hey whatever your views man, let's just have a dialogue.. Orrr not, I really have no stance on the issue." But when I drink whiskey: ..I wanna fight people. And I'm not a big guy soooo, I try not to drink whiskey.. I try to test myself against my friends, but they are all bigger than me so it never ends well. There is one guy who's bigger than me, but I can just psychologically break him down, and it's all true so I always win. And those other big guys are around and laughing so I have some protection. Things like "good thing those chicks can't see how many times you swipe right, otherwise they would call you a "Desperate Bitch!" Or: "you're so pathetic, how do you not have a crescent wrench?!" Things like that. One Friday night, He was a coward and attacked me while I was fall over baby deer legs drunk. We shut the bar down and as we're walking out he shoves me and I go flying into the ashtray. Butts are flyin.. I was not happy with him and I think I had some whiskey that night because I plotted revenge for the next day, I say "I'm gonna fuck this guy up". Saturday morning we always go back to the bar for breakfast. He says "you gonna be at the bar for breakfast?" I say "yeah buddy, 20 minutes". That's when I start loading the quarters into the sock. But yeah, whiskey makes me angry, I guess. Did anyone notice how the hitler youth haircut came back right around the time most of the wwii vets were pretty much all dead? The hipsters were scared of some old vet having a flashback to the war. "YOU.. NAZI.. BASTARD!!!" So my wife says to me while we're in the kitchen, out of nowhere, and I quote, "yeah I drop craisins" I'm thinking this is some new thing the kids are doing. Then she points to the floor and..there is a craisin. She says "watch this" and shoves a gigantic handful in her mouth and a few fall on the floor. She then walks away Slava drug store story. "What kind of a name is that?!" Shia vs. Tink The wiener dog comes in the house, if it smells the cat, he goes crazy. (Killed the neighbor tea cup something or another) the cat hears his collar and jumps up out of range and watches us shower the dog with love. ((Cats reaction is the punchline)) "What the fuck, that dude is trying to kill me!! Benedict friggin Arnolds" Danielle: "Willy Wonka" is like "Saw" for kids Never touch a mans belt buckle. Cuz they drape their balls over them while taking a piss "Hey lesbians, do you have your gloves in the car? They said yes. Well let's get a pickup game going! Hunters heroin people story - "she's sucking his DICK!" MMA fighter goes back in time to 1907. Breaks 1907's guys wrist because of his dumb boxing stance Lady at rite aid going through gender reassignment. I use my chip and she tells me to slide. I say "yeah we're going through a transitional phase right now" instantly realize what I just said Back to the bar. Being a smoker you know everybody's car.. you've seen them come and go enough because you're that much of an alcoholic and smoke on the half hour for the six hours you're there. (Well not you, me) So you'll walk up to the bar and be like "oh hello, jacks car, let's just lift up your windshield wipers there buddy" or "oh yup, Old Man Roy parked like a dick again.." Or "Hey look! there's Kevin's truck, let's draw a dick on it". <---Another thing about being a smoker that brings me joy, is watching the horror on people's faces when they scape the plastic underneath their bumper when pulling to close to the curb. I always give a look implying "you just fucked up your bumper!" Bar, Interior: If I'm on my phone and you come sit next to me at the rail, do not get on your phone, cuz then I feel like we look like assholes and I put my phone away.. But I still have shit to do so you're really being a real monkey wrench in my operation People who do bird calls: trying to trick birds? Stock internet passwords make you seem like an insane person. Jolly ocean 3, rapid pineapple 0. An insane person looks at it and goes "....that works. No need to even change it.." Bevmo event planner needs an option for your alcoholic friends. 3 pictures. What do your friends look like at the end of the night; 1. Someone smiling 2. Hot mess 3. Just a toilet Sleeping in the wrong car overnight My wife put my jerk off blanket out for people to use. "You sicko!! You were gonna let my friends use that blanket" I'm thinking of the scenario where somebody goes to grab and I say "oh that's my baby blanket, I don't know how that got out here, let me get you another one.." And..((eyebrow)) I wouldn't be lying about the baby blanket thing. Old men's memory's are bad because their spank banks are 70 years full. Head Bobbers of Noddingham My wife said "you know how I know you're an alcoholic? Because your handwriting is shit but your numbers are beautiful. Signing tabs everyday for the last 10 years will do that" You know what really freaks out the ladies? When you immediately realize what you did wrong. You start apologizing too soon and it somehow makes things much worse. So if you one day have an immediate realization about something you did wrong... Play the dumb card for a day or 3 to make it seem like you've put deep thought into your mistake. Skinny guys dating fat chicks: what if she gets cold, how can you share your jacket?! My dad was adopted and finally did that genetics test •"spit"• hey, we're Irish. That makes a ton of sense. Too much whiskey and all of the sudden I get ridiculous agry Power went out in target. Here's how weird I am: I stole a snoop dogg cd and a Björk cd. To all women: if one is partaking upon a banana in public, use a knife. This will discourage onlookers. #yesallwomen Anyone old enough to send away "proof of purchases" for a prize from the back of a cereal box? Had to ask your mom for $2.50 to cover shipping and handling.. Waiting for it made you realize there is no true instant gratification. The waiting! Everyday: did it arrive, mother?!... No? (sulk away) then FINALLY when your 6 piece Lego set shows up you think: "I'm 27 I don't care about Legos anymore!" (Needs a tag) ((maybe:)) but I forgot to pull out when I was 21 so my 6 yr old will enjoy it) Old phone when unlocked will have a random screen of something from earlier. Sometimes it's porn. Gotta be careful Nowadays you see an old lady walking around and you think "that lady looks as old as my grandma when I was 9. She's got the old lady hair, the old lady sweater, old lady shoes, old lady jewelry" but then she has some rockin' tits! They do a "facelift" for those titties Gotta be careful watching porn with headphones. The getting caught factor isn't even what I mean, I leave one ear off for that. I only do les porn with headphones. cuz you don't need some dude "ugh ugh ugh! Oh Ya baby suck that cock" RIGHT IN YOUR ear. Not what I'm goin for there. White people always put housin sauce in the pho. Next to the bar I go to is a pho place. Smoking with Paul Teaching us how after we go in drunk.. (Housen sauces for dippin the meat)((white people put it in the broth)) "oh really?? Cut to me at home- it's delicious!!" Free bottle of siracha Pouring the old pho in the toilet ("how else do you get rid of old pho?!") How pissed off are you when someone in a Tesla SUV doesn't open their back doors? "Lemme see that back to the future sheeeit!" Old guy coughing sounds like someone taking crap to you. "What the hell did you say to me, old man?

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adambstingus · 7 years ago

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24 HILARIOUS Times People Rage Quit Their Job The Way Everyone’s Wanted To

1. Does His Best By Quitting

17, hole in the wall popular non-chain fast food place. Worked 3 to 11.

A Friday. We needed a MINIMUM of 4 people to run the place. And that’s with everything getting totally trashed. 6-7 people was really what was needed.

Nobody showed up but me. Previous shift went home.Called the manager. No answer. Called the owner. ‘Just do the best you can’.

Turned off the lights, locked the door, put a sticky note on it that said ‘I quit’. And went home.

I did the best I could.

theawesomethatis

2. Quitting By Proxy

I knew a guy in high school who hated working at a movie theater. Called his boss and told him he wasn’t feeling well because he went hiking, got swarmed by bats, and got bit by one. Shows up later that evening to watch a movie with a cape and fake fangs in his mouth. Fired on the spot.

RIPmyFartbox

3. Last Day Making Pizzas

I used to work at a place that rhymes with “Pizza Hut” and the managers there were real cheapskates.

There was this nice old man that would come in every Sunday and order a triple extra cheese pizza and while they charged him for the 3x cheese, they would forbid us from ever actually putting that much cheese on a pizza because apparently cheese in the pizza selling world is akin to gold.

So instead of 3x extra cheese he would really be getting what the instructions would qualify as barely enough for a regular cheese pizza.

On the day my 2 weeks notice ended the old guy just happened to be my last order so I went into the walk-in and grabbed an entire box of cheese, proceeded to dump the entire thing onto his pizza and tossed it into oven. It was stacked so high that it couldn’t even fit into it and half of it was scraped off.

Anyways, the look on the old guy’s face when he saw me do this made it all worth it (imagine pure excitement). Needless to say I didn’t put the correct phone number down for future job references.

Not_A_Doctor_Venture

4. Popcorn And VHS

There was a UPS strike in the 90s and I was employed by them in high school as a sorter. Blockbuster Video at the time had this mail order deal where you’d get a VHS tape and bags of popcorn. Like a proto-Netflix thing I guess. Anyway, all these boxes full of microwave popcorn and VHS tapes would slide down the belt and about half of the popcorn bags would explode or break. After about an hour there was popcorn dust all over. I asked my boss for a mask, and he said that they didn’t have any. Some of the drivers walked by wearing masks, and I followed them and found a full cabinet full of masks. I confronted my boss, and he was like “the masks are for drivers, only”.

So I went back to the sorting area and just stopped working. I just stood there. The belts were backing up with these boxes of popcorn and they would burst and clouds of powdered popcorn butter would fill the air. I waited about 45 minutes before the belt shut off.

I walked out through a haze of popcorn dust, with alarms blaring, people running everywhere trying to figure out what was going on. A lot of people didn’t get their VHS tapes that week.

rikers_evil_twin

5.A “Certain” Coffee Chain

My wife worked for a certain chain coffee shop a few years back. She got another job, so requested reduced hours. This didn’t happen for 3 straight weeks.

During that third week, she had a soccer mom from hell try to get her attention, by throwing fucking snowballs at her through the drive-thru window. My wife then stopped what she was doing and tossed this soccer mom’s iced tea at her (which exploded everywhere) and slammed the window.

5 minutes later she had written her letter of resignation, with the only things she could find: a purple crayon and a sticky note.

The_MonBear

6. A Race To Quit First

Worked as a teller at a bank for a few years, GM and supervisor were both kind of crappy in their own ways. My buddy there was also a teller who felt similarly and wanted to get out. We started applying to places and both got interviews at the same company. As luck would have it, we both got hired and got phone calls about 10 minutes apart.

There was only one other teller aside from us and when it got busy, supervisor usually had to jump in as well (and usually hated it). It felt like we were constantly short staffed and days when 1 person would call out sick or be on vacation would suck. Being down 2 people was the worst.

Naturally when we both got hired, it became a race to see who could turn in their two weeks notice first. He printed his off and raced into GM’s office, walking out with a big smile. GM calls me in and offers me full time hours (after I had been requesting them for months).

I jumped in saying “Let me stop you right there, I’m also turning in my two weeks notice.”

Remembering that look of disbelief will make me smile every time. A solid professional Eff You is just as enjoyable to me as going out with a bang.

spikey182

7. Middle Management At Its Dumbest

Wrote a normal letter of resignation before I got in the shower one morning. No big deal. Got into the office and was straight ignored by management. Oh well, told you when my last day was.

Fast forward 3 days they pull me into a conference room to ask what it would take to keep me. I say nothing but don’t want to ruin them (sole IT manager for a staff of 70) and would be willing to consult part time. They liked that idea and said they’d be willing to pay me my current hourly as a consultant. I was prepared for this and told them that wasn’t what I said. I said that i would consult and my consulting rate was $200/hr. They were flabbergasted and insulted (I was making about $18/hr salary).

They thought it was insane even though they’d pay a consulting firm $600/hr when I was on vacation. Needless to say, having planned to quit it was no skin off my back and laughed about it. They didn’t take kindly to me laughing about their anger and told me to pack my shit. I did so, got an extra 10 days vacation paid out of it.

Cypher1710

8. AM Country Gold

1992: I was 19 and working at the most pissant radio station imaginable, “AM Country Gold”. The notoriously cheap, abusive and dishonest owner, a fella named “Wes,” had just screwed me out of a promised bonus. It was the latest in a long line of dishonest acts and I had had enough.

The rest of the sales team was afraid to stand up to Wes and he screamed abuse at them constantly (except the lone woman, who he sexually harassed). They were all in their 30’s & 40’s, working the same garbage job I was, but desperately needed it. I did not. So I engaged in a very public shouting match with Wes in the lobby, saying all the things everyone there had always wanted to say. Then I swept the contents of the front desk onto the floor and stormed out.

Instead of leaving, I went around the side of the building to a pay phone and called the radio station request line. In a fake Southern accent, I said, “Hey y’all, I just told my cheap, no good, lying piece of human garbage boss to go to hell. Play me out with, “Take this Job and Shove It,” and dedicate it to my former boss, Wes!”

The disc jockey had no idea what had just happened in the lobby, or that my Wes was “the” Wes, so he enthusiastically played my recorded dedication and added, “This one is for you Wes, choke on it you sack of crap!”

The building had speakers inside and out constantly playing the radio feed, so I got to hear Wes get clowned by his own radio station before driving off into the sunset.

LAND0KARDASHIAN

9. Over The P.A. System

Someone at my previous workplace (a huge grocery store in a large mall) went to the PA system we use to issue messages to the whole mall, and said something along the lines of “dear customers, managers and co-workers. I fucking quit”, and then proceeded to leave.

Focie

10. The Family Business

I used to work for my Father. It was probably the worst time of my life. He treated me like absolute shit, paid me very poorly, and made me work 70+ hours a week. I was young, just out of high school, and I complained about my predicament quite a lot. His response was always “if you don’t like it, there’s the door.”

6 months before I quit, he made me run his night shift, which meant 6PM -6:30AM Monday through Saturday. I was very unhappy about this, so I applied for another job. I got it, and went to my Father’s office with a list of demands, he responded with his usual reply, so I said, “Alright, I’ve gotten a job offer somewhere else, fuck you, I quit.”

The look on his face was priceless. He truly believed that because I had amazing job security that I’d be willing to put up with anything and that I’d stay there for my entire career. In one short, sweet instant, I proved to him that this was not the case, and he lost his most valuable employee.

The icing on the cake was the fact that the job that I left him for is at the company that manufactures the very machinery and software he relies on in business. So any time something goes wrong in his factory, he has to call me to fix it for him.

Your_Lower_Back

11. Using A Hidden Code

I wrote a respectful letter thanking them for the opportunity and all they’ve taught me.

The first letter of every sentence spelled out “Fuck <boss>”.

Nobody noticed.

InternetSpaceship

12. The Price You Have To Pay

I went up to HR to give my two weeks’ notice GTFO but before I could even get a word out, the HR lady flapped her hand at me and told me to come back in an hour because she was going on lunch. So I wrote “I QUIT!” on a piece of paper, signed and dated it, and left it on her desk.

She called me later to let me know that since I didn’t give two weeks’ notice, I would never be eligible to work for Kaufmann’s or Macy’s ever again. I told her I’d just have to live with that.

thebloodofthematador

13. “I Can’t Do This Anymore”

Worked in a video store when there was such a thing. My co-worker showed up very, very high. He was also about 6’3″ and 140 pounds, so he stood out in a crowd to begin with. Anyway, he came in for a 4 hour shift, stood in the middle of our bank of checkout registers…and just ate chips. Like, 6 bags of chips back to back, and he ate them SLOW, and savored the shit out of each bite. The whole time he had zero facial expression, think of the dull stare of a chewing dairy cow.

After about 3 hours he calmly turns to me and says “I can’t do this anymore”…gently sets down his bag of chips, and walks out the door. We never saw him in the store again.

Leumas_

14. A Total Mutiny

First job when i was 15 for a discount clothing brand store. Head manager was the aunt of our store manager who was 19. Our store manager did nothing most of the time and used to chat to her boyfriend and friends loudly on the store phone…much to the annoyance of everybody.

One night its come closing, we are grabbing our coats and getting ready to leave after a really busy day and the store manager storms in, telling us how she’s lowered the shutters and wont let us leave until we have helped her finish the one job she had all day to do cos her aunt is doing a “surprise” inspection in the morning. Everyone is pissed, especially the people who have had to watch her do literally nothing all day. She turns spiteful, threatening to delay our pays, dock our wages etc etc. All bullshit. For one woman it was the last straw (she had a kid to pick up from a club) so she waited till she left us alone to work, walked up to the shutters and pulled them up manually by hand. All of us crawled out to freedom.

We left her a note saying “Good luck explaining to your aunt why four people just quit.”

Cactusface987

15. Held Hostage

I was working for Argos as a Christmas job while studying. After a while it was becoming too much as I had to stay in work until deliveries were unpacked; this meant that some days I was leaving for college at 8.30am and not getting home until 1am that night.

One night it was a particularly large delivery and it was getting very late with no end in sight. I decided I’d had enough and told the supervisor I was finished, didn’t want to do the job anymore and wanted to go home. He rejected this and said that I was going nowhere until the delivery was unpacked. I stood in front of him and repeated that I quit therefore I don’t care about the delivery, completing my studies was more important to me than earning a bit of extra cash. He still said I was going nowhere and refused to unlock the door to let me out.

Despite feeling I had a case for false imprisonment I decided to take matters in to my own hands; I ran out the fire escape door and down the street never to return. I’ll always remember the sound of the fire escape door making a big DOOONG as it hit the metal railings and I made my escape to freedom.

StreakyMcMeeky

16. Burning Bridges With Jet Fuel

I worked for a law firm doing research and analysis. I wrote a custom program, on my own time, that would automate editing down these huge lists we’d get from an outside vendor, boiling it down to only what we wanted. First, only my team used the code. By the time I left, over 150 people were using it. Sounds minimal but it was actual a huge time saver. The program would boil down a list ~100 pages long down to about ~10 pages; a process we used to do manually a couple times a day.

A layoff was announced, I was part of the outplacement, but the firm wanted to continue using my program. I asked if there would be compensation as it was coded on my own time, never paid for it, etc. I was told no and “besides, there’s really nothing keeping us from still using it when you’re gone.”

For the remainder of my time (2 years), I would create patches whenever the format of the data changed. With my last patch, I put in code that would disable the program and erase key parts of the program one month after my last day. From what I understand from people still with the firm, on day X everyone came in, booted their machines, and the program was simply gone. Efficiency fell through the floor, delaying opening cases, billing clients, etc. I wanted 10k, they lost more than that in the first week without the program.

Photog1981

17. A Parting Gift To Her Co-Workers

During my exit interview I told HR the real reason I was leaving was due to the quality of the office chairs. I said they were an eyesore, uncomfortable and made me ashamed to come to work and resulted in sub-par job satisfaction.

Two weeks later I was told by previous co-workers everyone got brand new, top of the line office chairs.

jphiz

18. Don’t Piss Off Your Only Cook

At 16 I worked at a Dairy Queen Brazier in Texas. My Manager, was a jerk. One night, I sliced a good chunk of my thumb off because they did not have the proper safety equipment. After being out of work for 3 weeks, I returned to work. My thumb was still pretty screwed up, but I was trying. My Manager kept riding my ass, telling me I had to move faster (I was the only short order cook). When I saw three GreyHound buses pull up, I knew I was in trouble. She came back into the kitchen and said if I didn’t move fast for these buses she’d find someone who would. That was the last straw – I knew no one in the entire restaurant could cook. So I took her up on her threat and simply walked out the back door. She flipped me off as I drove away. My friends told me they hardly got any orders out and the buses left since they couldn’t get the food out. I felt bad for the people on the buses, but was sick of being berated by management.

sunrein

19. Out The Window

I got this.

Worked as a teen for McDonald’s for a month or two during the winter in the 90’s. We were understaffed and they usually had me working the deep sink and taking money at the drive thru. One day I come in at 4pm and the breakfast stuff is pilled to the ceiling at the sink because the day shift rolled out without taking care of it, as per usual.

There was a snowstorm this particular day and with the amount of dishes to do and the increasing frequency of running over and taking money from the window during the dinner rush my hands were beginning to hurt, then going completely numb. I let the manager know this wasn’t working out today and get blown off.

Fuck it, I crawl straight the fuck out of the money window without anyone noticing, at least no one on the staff. I get in my car and drive to the parking lot across the street and watch that dinner rush drive thru line back up out of the lot and down the street.

Seadgs

20. “I Don’t Want To Hear This”

I used to work for a telecommunications company.

My mom was very sick over the last 3 months of her life, so I had to go home most weekends to see her, it’s a 6 hour journey to get from where I worked to the town where I’m from. When her birthday came around, I requested a couple of days off that I had saved for this specific occasion. Yet, the days off were denied because we were approaching a busy time of year for sales. At this point, I hadn’t mentioned what was happening at home, because well, I was always taught that you keep your work and personal lives separate. But I said it to my boss, who, at the time, I saw as a pretty compassionate person. She never took any issue when I got sick or was late for whatever reason. But when I told her, she just looked at me point blank and said “I don’t want to hear this”.

After that meeting, I went back to my desk and sat there for about 20 minutes, thinking of a solution. That solution was to get my things, and just leave. I said goodbye to my friends on my way out, flipped my boss off and just walked out. I went straight to my car and drove back to my home town that night. It was the best decision I ever made.

I got to spend all my time with my mom before she went. We even got to go on a vacation and spend one last week away together because I had the time to do so. I’ll never, ever regret walking out that day.

Not exactly “hilarious”, but I had a good chuckle to myself on that drive home. The look on my boss’s face will never leave me. It was sweet.

IThinkIAmASofa

21. Work Night Turns Into Movie And A Beer

Worked in the cinema as a teenager. Came in late for work after they changed my schedule during my days off and didn’t think to mention it to me. Boss lost it and started shouting at me, as far as I’m concerned if you need to shout I ain’t listening. So let her rant away for a good 15 mins while I was at my locker clearing it out. When it finally clicked that I wasn’t listening or getting ready to work she stopped and asked what I’m doing I said ”going to see Lord of the Rings with the lads who’ve just finished as I’m doing nothing else with my evening. May go for a pint after. What’s your plans?”

definitelynotme_

22. Best Sales Day On His Last Day

I managed to find a telemarketing job as one of my first jobs. It sucked and we were treated like animals, but it was close enough that I could walk there from home. I only intended to stay long enough to afford a car.

One day, I realized that I had reached my set dollar amount for a car purchase. As a joke, I strayed as far from the sales pitch as possible. I changed my greeting to things like “Hey.” or “‘Sup?” I impersonated celebrity voices. People stopped working around me. They just listened in shock.

But it completely backfired.

It was my highest day of sales ever. I sold 10 times my average. The pit boss was bewildered, which is why I wasn’t fired right away (he listened in on all my calls that day). He begged me to stay, but I was out.

ShrugCorporation

23. Fighting The System By Using The System

My boss was a cunt, had me on a disciplinary for something that wasn’t my fault, and had my bonus taken off me. So i found a new job, threw out 2,500 worth of stock as technically the food hadn’t been stored away correctly, went above my boss and got head offices backing, then handed my notice in, knowing that id fucked his bonus up to. FUCK. THAT. GUY.

ssuperhanzz

24. This One Will Renew Your Faith In Humanity

My job at Chick-Fil-A had a tradition of pieing people in the face on their last day. Now I was the manager and didn’t trust the kids not to pie me when taking a complaint or during a rush or something, so I promised them if they’d wait until close in the parking lot, and if they got done cleaning on time, we’d do something special.

So I present to you: The Pie Gauntlet

I love my Chick-Fil-A family. Thanks for a great last closing. After 4 years of giving out my fair share of “Last Day Surprise Pies” we hosted THE GAUNTLET. Love and miss you guys.

A video posted by Alex Bennett (@spideybennett) on Jul 9, 2015 at 7:42pm PDT

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/11/30/24-hilarious-times-people-rage-quit-their-job-the-way-everyones-wanted-to/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/168027990232

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