#also september is my bday month so yeah it makes me happy

[hyunin]

every month of 2023!

got tagged by @strayklds to do the classic yearly wrap up of my most popular and/or favorite things i made this year and it's always fun so i will do both 💓 plus some commentary because i can't shut up. i'm going to do it on this acc instead of yangjeongin so i can tag my non-skz cc friends properly, but i'll include stuff from across all blogs 🥳

i'm not sure who got tagged to do this already and who didn't so i will just tag some pals/favorite ccs and anyone that sees this should feel free to do it and say i tagged them if u would like!

@foxinys @seo-changbinnies @miyawaki @wahgifs @twoce @dinoboos @agibbangs @xiaojuun @exocean @hyunsung @huiracha @seungs

putting everything under the cut let's go

JANUARY popular: slutty hyunchan. i get it. also didn't realize this got That many notes asdlfkasjdlgk favorite: 2022 mbc gayo hyunjin. i just thought my coloring was neat for this. first set of the year also!

FEBRUARY popular: wolfgang ending fairies. these are ugly idk what y'all were on about but okay it do just be like that sometimes favorite: yellow wood era hyunjin bday countdown set. this was in the top 3 of my fav sets from this countdown in general

MARCH popular: hyunjin's 2023 bday set. thank god. looking back at this is making me emotional actually just kidding it was this one. boooooo fine he's cute i get it. favorite: i had a ton of countdown sets this month and i liked a lot of them but in retrospect i think my fav is the christmas evel era one. shoutout to oddinary and in life too.

APRIL popular: this random hyunin set for some reason. ok favorite: dfesta the movie 12 set i guess. these were good hyunjins and april was a flop month for me lowkey

MAY popular: hyunjin just standing there at the one versace event. i still hate y'all for this favorite: i think the hyunjin maniac tour mini vlog actually. kinda surprising myself with this one but i just think it's very cute. makes me happie. maybe this one tho. idk. i like the coloring on these too. whatever! this month was kinda mid no standouts to me

JUNE popular: hyunjin doing That move in s-class. so true favorite: the introducing skz gifset of the era. not my best of these but still my fav this month

JULY popular: TAEMIN AND HYUNJIN DESERVEEEE favorite: maybe taemin and hyunjin as well bc it changed my life but hyunjin's cardboard cutout of chan is also a fav because it makes me laugh every time

AUGUST popular: hyunjin at kcon la. i get this too favorite: hyunin squish compilation. very important 2 me. but a rare main blog contribution, i love this eunbi set i made.

SEPTEMBER popular: we had multiple sets do numbers this month actually but precious nacific hyunjin wins somehow. i made this set so randomly but it be like that sometimes (2) favorite: 230908 hyunjin not even because i like the set that much but just because it's a hyunjin of all time and he deserves recognition

OCTOBER popular: angel rockstar trailer hyunjin. yeah favorite: i don't know guys. everything i made this month was so mid. nothing notable at all. so i'll agree w the people on rockstar trailer hyunjin

NOVEMBER popular: dramatic hyunjin. i don't like my coloring for this but he was so funny so i can accept it favorite: i think 231118 music core hyunjin?? i like the nine set i made for this day a lot as well bc i'm just obsessed w this look but i think i like the stage gifs better

DECEMBER (so far) popular: dancing sweaty hyunjin. y'all are so weird but i'm the one who giffed it so, favorite: hmmm i think the hyunin set just because they r so important to me and i had fun giffing it

thank u to everyone that read all of this and that liked and supported my content this year 🫶 looking forward to what 2024 brings <3

[yangjeongin]

every month of 2023 🤓 i got tagged by @seungs and @foxinys 💛. thank you for thinking of me, even if you thought i wouldn't do it dkjdhd. this is probably where my giffing journey ends for now, see y'all somewhere else 🫡

JANUARY ― popular. my first and ugliest set of 2023 could've been a better but it is what it is. / favorite. ok so i'm gonna go with this set that after a few long months of being depressed and almost kms i decided it was a great time to finally finish this gfx ! i rly like how most of these came out, would love to do something like this again 🧐 but i'm also going to pick this hyunjin set i made for carly's bday, i think it's one of the cleanest rainbow sets i have and will ever make, i make the best sets when i'm depresso.

FEBRUARY ― popular. people like furries i guess? / favorite. omg ok i think this one is hard but i'll go with fox innie he's my best friend . making that set restored 10 years of my lifespan. special mention to my second best friend the sleeping quokka and also this idiot not knowing pom is a dog, getting his dog card revoked.

MARCH ― popular. i love this set seungmin really lives to disturb jeongin's peace (and the rest of skz too) / favorite. i would have picked the set that ended as my most popular but kirby hyunjin is great as well.

APRIL ― nothing to see here sorry .

MAY ― popular. BOKSEUNGAH FOR THE WIN !!!!!!! i understand why this one took off. / favorite. ugly af but it made me happy to make this set fr i love when seungmin experiences pain. special mention to seungin shitting on jisung.

JUNE ― popular. raw dumpling, honestly not even mad about this one he looked so cute here (reason why i giffed him 👍) / favorite. color sets my beloveds... jeongin my beloved... :]

JULY ― popular and favorite. not a lot to choose from this month, jeongin was rly having none of this shit. honestly same.

AUGUST ― popular. IDIOT SANDWICH. surprised this one topped my topline hyunjin set but i get it. / favorite. omg i started posting the jisung color sets this month and red was truly one of the best ones, i miss doing these 😞. special mention to apple ponytail jeongin. cute kid.

SEPTEMBER ― popular. no comments (: todavía no sé a qué hora vas por el pan seungmin, llámame. / favorite. this one is hard cause there were a LOT of color sets this month and i rly loved most of them but i think i'm gonna go with the seungsung bday sets cause those were really fun to make. omg and special mention to my favorite collab and interaction of the year i love u skzlisa.

OCTOBER ― popular. yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love when he does that with his eyebrows. makes me laugh but also go get it jeongin. / favorite. [^-^ intensifies]

NOVEMBER ― popular. honestly surprised this dumb set i was forced to make has almost 3k? .. / favorite. awful to gif but the messy hair...

DECEMBER ― nothing to see here either SORRY.

[hekkoto]

Deadline to get this print [+September one lolz] is to 20th September <3 so if you want to get this bby join my Patreon~ and many more amazing things which I offer to my Patrons ;> check it out, maybe something will interest you ^^ also right now Im in quite bad financial situation so every $ means a lot! Im alive, I was slowly catching on stuff, had to rethink my life and some shit. Im officially back now <3 tho wish me luck this weekend wont make me feel like shit, I barely survived last 3 months... but yeah, I will try be more positive. Im going to my grandma's bday, day before there will be some other celebration, I hope nobody will say anything that will make me miserable =^= I mean, if somebody will do I gonna stay my ground and wont allow other people tell me what to do with my life. I guess I dont want play this stupid role anymore. If people cant appreciate me being polite I wont be. So yeah, one of main points I wanna do with my life is living as Hekkoto. And for me Hekkoto is me but not broken by pain and suffering. So its gonna be turn for better, I feel like I can make my life better but I must focus on myself and my wellbeing. I have idea for myself, it will make me happy, Im able to fit it to my bad health. I just cant let other people keep ruining my life. They dont have to believe in me, I dont care anymore. My life was hell and they didnt cared and didnt help me so what gives them right to tell me what to do? Thats why Im so grateful for my husband, he was first person who loved me for who I am and was able to accept I have awful health and Im facing a lot of limitations in my life. Im alive only thanks to him. He is one who gives me strenght, it would be so easy to give up but I wanna stay alive for him. Im so happy that he believes in me <3 So yeah, I gonna follow my dreams and fight for my happiness. Expect me back~ Im focusing a lot on arts and videos and I hope to share a lot of things with you <3 wanna support my evil dark empire? Im accepting souls on Patreon and Ko-fi! -> Hekkoto Huge thanks to all of my Patrons and people who donate <3

[wp100]

i love how people are getting into the halloween mood like a month (or two technically) before the actual day it makes me so happy tbh

and if ppl are mad, screw em. people get into the Christmas Mood™ months before it is even december, why not do the same for halloween?

[a-love-poet-at-heart]

Honestly 2018 wasn't that bad of a year for me.

Okay the second half of 2018 was great. Most of 2018 war meh. Went to a con, that was pretty fun. then it was good for like 2 weeks cause I got a group of friends and I felt like I Belonged™ but then I was accidentally too nsfw and inappropriate with my jokes, got called basically a pedo and then went in a depressive and suicidal spiral for 2 weeks where looking back, honestly surprised I didn't kill myself. Then meh for a few months, went to another con also super fun, until September 18th when I saw my fav "band" (its just 2 dudes who sing murder ballads as these characters they created) in concert. Like everything went great for the rest of the year. Like after that concert I gained a ton of friends who were also fans of said band, so I'm like finally happy socially, THEN I saw the band (American Murder Song) again in concert in the end of october and had my first kiss. Which actually was with one of the singers in the band. So that was beyond Amazing. Like I can't describe how wonderful that was. He was so fucking nice. And so surprised! Like okay I asked for a kiss and he was like sure and kissed me and then I told him it was my first kiss and he was so shocked. He kept saying how I was making him blush and then asked me "you didnt want your first kiss to be with a boy you liked?" Like Dude, I would totally lose my virginity to you. I was so close to saying "but I like you" I just answered no. And then he kept hugging me and then he saw how I was shaking so fucking badly from excitement/happiness, he took my hand and said how I wasnt the person who should be shaking. Fuck man. That night was amazing. Also at that concert the other singer broke the hand fan I had and he was so embarrassed and sorry I was like the only one laughing in a room full of people in awkward shock/second hand embarrassment. His face reacting to breaking my fan is the background on my blog! Also qfterwords I got him to sign the fan. Oh I turned 20 in November so that was cool. I also went to disney world and spent my bday there so also Great! Saw dennis deyoung in concert a few weeks back, also amazing. Cant forget to mention how I moved into my first "apartment" okay I'm living in my mom's basement, but like I have a bathroom and kitchen so it's kinda like an apartment

(That's the band american murder song. The bald one is Terrance, who broke my fan, and the one with curly hair, Saar, is the one I kissed)

But yeah after that Thing™ in July, things were pretty good. I had friends I talked to online like every day. My own "apartment", saw AMS twice in concert and had my first kiss, which just so happened to be with Saar. So yeah, pretty good!

AND next year I'm seeing AMS again in February! Twice! Once in ohio, on valentines day ironically, and then once in Trenton where a ton of my friends I made through AMS will also be there. So like things are going amazing finally. Please, 2019, kept this streak going

[alyjojo]

Today is the story of how my pregnancies came to be, without the fun stuff. It plays a very large role in why I believe in God tbh.

So my ex. It’s a relevant start. Him and I were together four years, never used protection, dumb as that is. I bring that up at because, for much of that time, I just didn’t have periods. Like at all.

After about a year of waiting and taking pregnancy tests wondering what the hell, I went to the doctor (I hate doctors...back then fear won, a lot) and she gave me pills to force me to have one.

I would have one sporadically after, so I didn’t feel like a mutant, and I’d be like well okay...and didn’t go back to the doctor. But it was every few months.

PCOS seems to run in my family, my cousin has used years of fertility treatments to have children, and though it’s worked it’s been a hell of a struggle for her. I was always kind of afraid I couldn’t have kids.

July 2007, I felt a way that was different, didn’t have a period as usual, took a pregnancy test. This was a regular thing with the lack of periods. Positive. ....what?? Told him, and he lost his fn mind. I can’t describe just how stupid he acted, and I was lost. How I knew later he was a cheating pos. We went to Planned Parenthood to take their test. Negative. Idiot danced to his car, and something in me knew he was an idiot but I just let it go.

We broke up a few days later, he did, of course.

The day after we broke up, midst all my emotions yanno how that goes, I started on my own for the first time in...I couldn’t remember. And it stayed that way, regular, every month, ever since.

Mom said “it’s the guy”, who by that point she was kind of disgusted with too lol. Well. Yeah. It was? Seems so. Angry and blaming and rawr at God like I was and they were like nope sorry...not that one, and I just showed you that 🙏

He continuously plays a role in this story. Idk if he was A soulmate of some sort. I’m definitely one of his life lessons. It’s always been...deeper, even if we don’t even get along. At all.

Ok so hubby. Years later. Ex was long gone, didn’t talk didn’t nada, I lived with my boyfriend 😜 and his parents for a year, working on my car and saving money for a place. Which I did, we moved in August and September 18 (my late gmas bday), I hadn’t had a period and took a test like oh this crap again. Honestly didn’t think I could have kids...never had a scare in the year I’d already been with hubby.

Pregnant. Whaaat? So my EX sends me an email the next fn day. How? I have no idea. I had told hubby...that’s it. I don’t even remember what the email said, how are you or something idk, I avoided it like the plague before being like omg just answer and writing something quickly, send, delete. Never read it again. I’d gotten him out of my brain space tyvm bye. Well in my response was something like lol I’m pregnant. He was the 2nd person to know. And considering he flipped out and left over a baby...karma.

In my later belief system, and seeing my oldest’s chart, she has much Libra/Scorpio influencing her (10th, Saturn/Moon). I felt like initially that positive may have been her, just long enough to get him tf out. The timing of his message blew my mind. Didn’t speak again for like 10 years, baby daughter got the name I had always wanted, and gmas middle to honor her. I still see 9:18 periodically. Love u Gma ❤️

So next baby. After two years in our first apartment, we were bombarded with BEES 🐝 Like this was insane level of bees, you couldn’t leave the house without these threatening mfers chasing you to the car, management was shit, we moved.

Moved into a bigger nicer apartment in a nicer part of town. August again. Had a fun night with some drinks to celebrate the night we moved in...no protection, big fun, hubby joked drunk, there’s #2.

So September 11th...I bought it 😆 But I refused to do it on that day. September 12th...hello baby girl #2.

Years and years pass, we use condoms regularly. Very careful always. Idk how my son came to be and I’ll say it till I die. I went back to work, I had lost a bunch of weight lol, I was not in baby mode at all. I was 100% done. So much that for two months I didn’t even realize. Until my jeans stopped fitting and I was like WTF. Sure enough. Hello baby boy.

I had been playing the sure let’s be friends game 🙄 with some of my ex’s after hubby’s stupid bs. Nothing more trust & believe, hell no. And it just doesn’t work as friends either so idk why we ever tried. Will never get along. The other ones were just drama...was my Saturn return, that was a nightmare. Then we entered his, and that was also a nightmare. That’s as much as I’ll say about that 💯

The last thing I said to that same ex, 10 years later...I’m pregnant 😆 It’s a kind of karma somehow. Goodbye again, the same way it’ll always be. Like God was like I’m sorry, you need a reminder?

My children ❤️

I always blamed my husband for doing it on purpose. Because he was so happy when I was. He’ll always deny it, but the boy came out DADDY’S boy and I just let him take over because...well he wanted to. And for the first time, the baby wanted, demanded, him too. It was actually insanely sweet, still is.

I went to the doctor and said I guess I’m due in February? She’s like try Christmas. I literally threw away the whole doctor and got a new one because I thought she was lying to me 😆

So on Christmas DAY, 6pm, I’m making meatloaf bc I knew a baby would be coming soon and we didn’t want a fridge full of leftovers...water breaks. 7cm dialated by 7pm, they gave me meds to slow down while hubby dropped off the kids at gmas. Little Aries moon was OUT in four hours 🤣 My biggest baby.

Jane...we were again very careful. Condom flew off inside of me completely. Like flew. Idk how tf that happens and it was very uncomfortable to fix btw. We knew, and when it was positive, we knew. We were not in a good place at that time. It was bad.

She was due on my cousins bday, and down to the very signs they would’ve been similar, and my cousin has lost babies...kind of how we had our falling out. She was mad at me for having my boy, but she was petty and rude to me for months, it broke my heart, then her mom my aunt tells me how she and my mother just talk shit about us both, when I trusted her the most, I just...bye. Gtfo ur one of them. Cried.

Well Jane. I lost Jane. I’ll always be sad about it. Cap with Gemini moon (supposed to) ended up being a little lost Leo. Same middle name as my cousin.

It’s here I’ll mention our foster kids. Hubby’s niece by blood, nephew by marriage. They were hard, that situation was hard, the boy is on the spectrum (which I now know means dick all really, he’s incredibly normal despite his horrific early circumstances) and he alone needs a lot of care. And their parents broke up and his dads side wanted them...he’s not ours, how could we claim him first? Our niece fits like a glove, she is ours. His sisters. We felt it was taking away from our kids after awhile, having two more suddenly, with DFS and court and visits and phone calls. We were getting screamed at by the parents for trying to be good people...then my car broke down with this timing chain nightmare, his was totaled (fk u forever)...then came the positive with boy, and we gave the kids to their Dad’s mom. Who is a very nice lady, with money, sister in law be pissed or not. We all felt we just couldn’t do it.

The boy was a Christmas Eve boy. Hilarious and so smart and adorable and sweet, just a lot of work. Our niece, a Leo, born way too early (late Oct due date). Small, tiny, but healthy.

My son is Christmas Day. Hilarious and SO smart and adorable and so sweet...a lot of work. Can not look away for two seconds. Also breaks things. Also punches his sisters. Even looks kinda like our nephew. Its eerie.

I tell my husband we didn’t keep the kids...we had the kids 😞 Because I ended up losing my little Leo, born way too early 😢

These kids are why I believe everything, they’re why I have faith, they’re how I notice the funny little things others wave off as oh it’s coincidence. No, it’s not.

Whether there’s another in the future idk. With Covid it’s not something I want right now. I did have my heart set on 4, once Jane came into the picture.

Maybe someday. Maybe not. Besides #2, which hubby joked about, and she’s a silly sarcastic goose just like her Daddy 😆, it seems God has more say on that then I ever have. With everything.

Take charge types scold me like “you have the power”, and I’m like oh yeah watch this. Try to work or try to do anything, car tires burst or something, some emergency, hubby has some insane project he needs me with them for, a baby appears, or foster kids, something always happens to keep me home. They all need me here. Just how it works in my life.

Someday...who knows? For now, this year, I’m a homeschool teacher ❤️ We’re happy 😊

[themomsandthecity]

From Finding Love at the Shore to Divorce: Looking Back at JWoww and Roger Mathews' Relationship

It’s been a wild journey for Jenni “Jwoww” Farley and her husband Roger Matthews. After nearly three years of marriage, on Sept. 12, the Jersey Shore star, 32, filed for divorce from Mathews, 43, according to New Jersey’s Asbury Park Press.  “The Plaintiff and the Defendant have irreconcilable differences which have caused the breakdown of the marriage for a period of at least six months which make it appear that the marriage should be dissolved and that there is no prospect of reconciliation,” Farley’s complaint stated. While Farley has yet to comment, Mathews went on to confirm the news, vowing to win his wife back. Here’s a look back at their relationship. 2010: Romance Blossoms The pair first began dating in 2010 after meeting in Seaside Heights, New Jersey, while Farley was filming the first season of Jersey Shore. In an interview with Zap2it in 2013, Farley admitted that when they first met, Mathews didn’t make the biggest impression: He was just “one of the faces in the crowd, like, ‘What’s up, hi, goodbye,’ ” she said. September 2012: Engaged After over two years of dating, Matthews popped the question after the couple went skydiving, presenting the star with a pink and white diamond engagement ring that boasts roughly 7.5 carats. At the time, Farley was filming her MTV spin-off, Snooki & JWoww. “ dad is dying for us to get married,” Farley told PEOPLE just a few months before Matthews proposed. “He wants grandchildren. He texts me almost every day for that.” “There’s no rush, no trophy for being first. But do we want to get married? Oh yeah. Absolutely,” Mathews remarked. “I just want a big ring,” Farley added. “That’s all I care about — a big ring.” July 2014: First Comes Love, then Comes Baby! A year and a half after the couple got engaged, they welcomed their first child together, daughter Meilani Alexandra. “She is here! 7 lbs., 13 oz. Words can’t describe what looking into your child’s eyes can do to you. I’m humbled,” Mathews announced via Twitter. “Jenni and Roger are so excited to welcome the newest guidette to the world,” Farley’s rep told PEOPLE at the time. “Meilani and her parents are doing great and are happy and healthy. Meilani is already looking to trade her baby bottle for barbells.” RELATED VIDEO: JWoww on ‘Keeping It Honest’ When It Comes to Her Life And Family October 2015: Wedding Bells The duo tied the knot in October 2015 after nearly five years together in front of a group of family and friends that included her Jersey Shore costars Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and Pauly “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio, as well as Bachelorette alums Trista and Ryan Sutter. “Our wedding was everything we could have dreamed of and more,” Farley told PEOPLE at the time. “It’s hard for me to determine which was my most favorite moment because there were so many WOW factors to our wedding.” View this post on Instagram Love these @cakepopsbyjenn @plumeandstone #cakepopsbyjenn #plumeandstone A post shared by Jenni JWOWW (@jwoww) on Oct 18, 2015 at 8:54am PDT //www.instagram.com/embed.js And while the couple was surrounded by their closest friends and family members, they decided to make one more happy announcement: they were expecting baby number two. May 2016: Family of Four The couple’s second child, son Greyson Valor Mathews, arrived on May 5, 2016. “So blessed to welcome our precious son,” Farley wrote on Instagram. “He arrived healthy at 6:03pm tonight and the most beautiful part is Roger got to deliver him with our doctor. Our family is complete!” Added Mathews, “What an amazing experience to literally witness the miracle of life from the very onset. He’s our little man, our perfect bundle of joy, the baby brother to an anxious little girl ready to met her Bubba. What a ride this this thing called life is ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for the love and support for our newest chapter. We are blessed and we pray health and happiness finds you in reading this.” RELATED: Jenni ‘JWoww’ Farley Shares Update on Son, 2, After Revealing His Struggle with Delayed Speech View this post on Instagram Sweetest boy A post shared by Jenni JWOWW (@jwoww) on Jul 22, 2018 at 12:26pm PDT //www.instagram.com/embed.js View this post on Instagram Bday celebration for @meilanimathews at @planethollywood A post shared by Jenni JWOWW (@jwoww) on Jul 13, 2018 at 4:46pm PDT //www.instagram.com/embed.js Sept 2018: It’s Over On Sept. 14, two days after Farley filed for divorce, Mathews posted a cryptic message on Instagram, writing, “Sometimes we must find ourselves within ourselves. Finding yourself doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It means coming to terms with shortcomings within yourself for the greater good. Not just the greater good of yourself. The greater good of those you care the most about.” “Takes a lot of vulnerability and being able to accept shortcomings and that you were wrong even if your heart was in the right place. I still like me, just need to be a better me cause it ain’t just about me. Time. It’s the one thing we can’t get back. I’ve squandered some. Crawling into a hole or feeling bad for yourself never fixed s—…” And just hours after news broke of their split, Mathews turned to Instagram to explain what happened and promised he was “not done fighting” for his marriage. View this post on Instagram Praying for a better tomorrow. Sorry world, I’m taking a day off from praying for you today and I’m just gonna pray for my family. Hope springs eternal. A post shared by Roger Mathews (@rogermathewsnj) on Sep 27, 2018 at 6:06pm PDT //www.instagram.com/embed.js “My wife filed for divorce, it’s true,” he said in the emotional video. “I don’t blame her. There’s no cheating or any dumb s— or any juicy details. She just grew tired of the repetitive pattern that we fell into… and not a good one.” “Here’s what’s also true: I’m not done fighting,” he added. “I’m gonna win my wife back; I’m gonna win her affection back; I’m gonna win her love back. I have no intentions of being a single dad. We’re in counseling, so there is hope.” http://bit.ly/2IoIn8P

[nycrunning]

May

May was a whirlwind!! So much happened, and so many races also! I remember I started the month with something we had planned since September last year: Harry Potter and the Cursed Child!

Call me a Potterhead, That was awesome! Twelve hours later, I was up early for the Newport 10K, just over the Hudson, one of my favourite 10Ks, because 1, it’s flat, 2, the finish line bagels (and I don’t really like bagels!). The race was a blast as usual: I’ve run it a few times and it always delivers! It’s usually hot but I love the vibe and the views!

Of course, as usual, there were many runs and stairs workouts sprinkled through the month:

And then there was the Japan Run. I remembered being tired from something but then, at the start, I met with Brian and Nick and Jackie, and we all decided to run together and pace Jackie. Those are my favorite types of races!

Way too much fun was had!! The next weekend, just so I wouldn’t fall off the wagon, I run the NYPD Memorial Run 5K. It was HOT and humid but I rallied and for the first time in months, I did OK. I measure my race performances by AG and I feel I do ok when I get close or over the 70% AG mark. Lately, I had been around 64% to 69%, and in this race I went back up to 70% wohoooo. Also, it was super fun to run on the West Side Highway. I really like how wide it is there.

Then, three days later, after a brutal stairs workout and speedwork, we raced the Prospect Park Summer Series 5K: no biggie. The course was slower (as there is a hill in Prospect Park) but I managed very similar results! Just like 10 or 20 seconds off. I find it so weird to race at night (well, 7 pm), that I find it quite amusing to try to figure out what to eat, how much, when, etc. Of course, then I slept like crap after because I was so wired!

That was a lot of racing…!

DATA DOWNLOAD:

  Total Miles: 147, coming back up, but it’s hard with those short races because I feel like I need a good taper before and then my legs are thrashed for a few days…

Races: FOUR, here we go. Racing season is upon us!

Ups: the NYPD and the Summer Series 5K were definitely a surprise! I wasn’t expecting to do so well (NOT IN PR SHAPE YET THOUGH, ok?) and even though I don’t feel as strong as I used to, feeling in control of the situation really helps! One more thing: Central Park blossoming is the BEST!

Downs: how tired my legs feel two days after any short race! YUK

Balance: VERY HAPPY

So, I need to race more. Even if I am not in fighting shape or without any kind of expectations, I really enjoy it. The fewer expectations I have, the more fun I have, and so I go out there controlled and just let the race happen. I’ve actually started measuring races and performance by the amount of time it takes me to get back home, aka “how much fun I have”. For example, the NYPD Memorial Run was at 9 am and I got home at 4 pm: THAT is a successful race in my eyes now. The truth is I am not always (or ever again!) be as fast as I used to be or as I would like to be or as I would expect to be, so what should I do? Stay home until I feel I am in shape? HECK NO. To me, races are not a test of my fitness or “what I get from the work I put in” but a chance to enjoy with the community of friends who like to get out and enjoy the park with one foot in front of another trying to stay healthy. Yes, I’ll push hard here and there, but if one day I don’t feel like it or I decide to stick with a friend, it’ll be no different: it just HAS to be fun. 

April

We started the month in Argentina, which was great because it was WARM and hey, it was vacations. Got to see the fam and a few touristy things of course, and yeah, a few runs with Juan. Oh and of course I ate my face away. Lots of asado and steaks but also a lot of nikkei, my favourite non-native cuisine while in Argentina (my favourite non-native in the US is Japanese and French, you always gotta know where to get what!). I got back, I did a 4 miler in Central Park, the Run as One… it was so long ago, I can barely remember, or maybe it’s because I’ve been racing a lot the last two months! Oh yeah, I remember I got really hot (I was overdressed) and started way too fast or something, here is one picture!

I obviously spent some time running around, exhibit A:

or working:

or with Juan, usually eating crap:

and/or usually with friends, running or not!!!

DATA DOWNLOAD:

Total Miles: 119. Ooops. That’s low. I really vacationed in Argentina… IT HAPPENS, OKAY?

Races: just one but it was more like a tempo, wasn’t expecting to go all out.

Ups: the fun runs!

Downs: didn’t get a lot done!

Balance: it was good -> lots of blossoming happening all over NYC made it amazingly beautiful!

March

March is always a good month because it is my birthday!!! HA. I started the month with a race, the NYRR Washington Heights Salsa, Blues and Shamrocks 5K (there is a post there), which wasn’t great time wise but it was fun. See proof here:

There was a lot of running, maybe not tons of miles, because it was still cold as hell Alaska? ok Alaska, but it got done. 

And the United NYC Half happened. I saw so many of you there. That was an intense week and I was REALLY just a bit jealous of everyone running the new course. I got to run parts of it last year and was on one of the Pro lead trucks on race day and it looked amazing!! and everyone looked SO happy at the finish line… Really jelly So happy for you all!!!

We then went to San Antonio for a few quiet days of pulled pork and warmer weather. For my bday. We ate a LOT.  We run a bunch too:

DATA DOWNLOAD:

Total Miles: 151, it’s starting to pick up

Races: one. and I was so not wanting to race!

Ups: I did a lot of really great runs

Downs: still not feeling my best.

Balance: not letting it get to me. Let’s hope the nicer weather brings better running!

Also, one more thing I forgot to report on this whole year. A few friends and I have been doing monthly challenges. January was squats, February was pushups, March was planks. We usually just grab one from popsugar.com. Basically it tells you how many to do every day and each day is a bit more. It’s interesting. Maybe you’d want to try it with a few friends? we all text each other to make sure we’re all doing them EVERY DAY… Protip: it works better with a reward at the end of the month!!!!!!!!!!

February

was weird. I happened so quick I barely noticed. Instead of ice-fest, we had a few meltdowns (all kinds of meltdowns!) and even one day in the 70s… OH OH what are people going to use now to discredit “””global warming“””? I feel so bad for those polar bears, and hey, we won’t be moving to Venice anytime soon. Glad I live in a 2nd floor too, but I digress… Anyway, my body decided also to have a meltdown and I had a couple of stooopid issues (my hormones have decided they need more attention than any Kardashian!) and even some very very easy runs where my heart rate was about 50 over the usual… anyway, I was signed up for the NYRR Al Gordon Brooklyn 4M, and I was literally too tired to get up. Of course, I ended up running 11 miles in Central Park instead but my pace was 10:00 and my heart rate was at 82%. Insane. You just can’t win them all, can you? About two weeks ago, I spent the husband and I spent two hours shopping for half marathons for me… I came up with not a lot. If you have any ideas, let me know. Also, my running is so up and down I’ve started questioning if I should try to take some weeks/months off so my body doesn’t feel pressured and maybe that would help?

ha, I was just kidding! I’d be super hyper and way too annoying after just two days and waaaaay unhappy. So, let me just slow down, do it when my body is ok with it, and just enjoy it with no pressure. Deal?

So, I had a few awesome runs, still.

  Plus it was Valentine’s Day and who thinks we’d let any reason to celebrate pass by? any excuse works!

Also, I got to spend some quality time at work (at NYRR) with some people you might know… Meb and Jenny. Do you even need last names? Don’t think so! Meb is now a Team for Kids Ambassador and Jenny is a Rising NYRR Ambassador and both were in town to run the Virtual For the Kids 5K race. If you haven’t check NYRR’s Virtual Races, you should.

  Anyway, it all went waaay too fast!

DATA DOWNLOAD

Total Miles: 124, emmm, got lazy a bit!

Races: big old zero for the year

Ups: weather got surprisingly “hot”. 40s and some 50s even.

Downs: not feeling my best.

Balance: i am getting a bit frustrated. cause, wtf.

January

was really cold. The first two weeks we set cold weather records. It was awful. Running was awful. I started the year working at the midnight run and it was really really cold. I wore everything and it was still crazy cold. But it’s a super fun race!

It was so cold that the races on the second weekend of January got canceled. I managed to run both Saturday and Sunday but it was insanely cold. Everyone kept asking me what I was training for, as most people assumed I had to get the miles in for some marathon or something. I am not really training for anything, just trying to not let the winter win. I can’t say I loved it, but I got out there.

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As you can see there was a couple of blizzards in there, snow, ice, and all the layers. Luckily we had planned a trip to Mexico for mid-January to escape the cold. The vacation part was uneventful but we had a few epic runs with Juan (the husband!).

First night in the hotel, a guy who worked there came up to talk to Juan as he was wearing his 2017 TCS New York City Marathon shirt, to ask him if he had run the marathon. Turned out that Armando, our new friend at the hotel, was a runner too and invited us to his team’s workout the next morning. So, at 6:30 am we went out to meet up the Red Runners, who were having a special run as one of their teammates had passed that week. There was a half an hour of a warm-up, everyone in a circle, probably around 130 people, and the coach had a microphone and big speakers. Before we headed out, we all got one white rose to carry for the memorial. We all run together to a gorgeous lighthouse I never would have seen, we got there with the sunrise, there were speeches, even a triathlete pastor, there were prayers, and we run back with the boombox in tow. Everyone was together. It was very moving. And everyone was so welcome to this stranger. It was very special.

  When I travel, to me, the best thing EVER is to hang with the locals. Nothing could have beat that run.

Juan and I did have a few osom runs. The day after the run with Red Runners, there was a race in town, which we didn’t sign up for because registration was miles and miles away but we run to the start and finish to cheer/spectate. Funnest part: Kukulcan road (the main drag) had no traffic for the race. Quite FUN!

  The next few days we did great. We did a tempo together and we run back to the lighthouse so Juan could see it. We managed to get the sunrise too.

  And like that, we were back and the month was over!

DATA DOWNLOAD!

Total Miles: 140

Races: not even one. But we spectated at one..!

Ups: the runs in Mexico!

Downs: running in the sub 10 temperatures (which is like minus 20 in Celsius). NOT FUN. WITH WIND!

Balance: can it be June now? I really miss racing a LOT.

April and May Reports Catch up May May was a whirlwind!! So much happened, and so many races also! I remember I started the month with something we had planned since September last year: Harry Potter and the Cursed Child!

[uhlexaleem]

since this is my first blogpost on this account and 2017 is about to die, i’ll start off with the things and people that i wanna thank for that helped me a fuck ton lot in realizing things. but im not about that namedropping.

i started my january sprung on someone who didn’t give a fuck about me. so, lil bitch, i am happy u were there during your convenient hours and it made me realize that i deserve so much more than sacrificing my own time just waiting for your idiot ass.

feb. i was still sprung butttt it was my 2nd month in my internship. i’ll give this one to my mentors who became my friends in the end even tho i’m so reserved in meeting new people (my walls are high). i love y’all for the late night hangouts and subversive stuff my overprotected ass have been trying to do.

march. oh my lazy month. i didn’t fucking care about anything in this month and i wanted to just gtfo of makati stress because my first internship ended. i’ll give this one to my friends who lived with me in the dorm. makati life became tolerable and it’s all thanks to you who tried to understand my betchiness. i’ll never forget eating canned goods and using that communal microwave.

april. to my 2nd internship family that accepted my application even tho i’m fucking late and even adjusted to my time. i received too many mixed feelings from y’all from bitching at me because i’m lazy and watching riverdale in the office to being considerate because i’m such a sweet girl and male mentors lowkey wanna fucc

may. to my internship adviser who supported me and gave me advices coz duh for my indecisive self. it was such a time where none of my friends really give a whole damn fuck to my strivings because they already finished or about to finish their own internships. u were there. thanks for that anddd the fact that you tried to find ways on how to make me graduate on time. lolers.

june. my bday month. thanks to everyone who remembered or greeted me ig. and!!! i graduated on this month so… just wanna thank everyone who said CONGRATULATIONS.

july. wanna thank my sisters and cousins for late nights and drinking and let’s say it, smoking with me. i’m too lucky to have you all sometimes i’m thinking i don’t deserve your bullshit stories. but yeah i’ll just make bawi when i come back to ph. you all deserve my hugs and kisses xoxoxoxo

august. this time i got onto a fucking app again. my drunk gaming got strong, and i was just feeling my age. i am fucking 20 and i curse a lot. some of you actually became my friends that i still talk to until now, and it’s all great. one of the things i liked about it is that, i get different perceptions of life from random people, and my organs—like my brain, got stimulated A LOT. so thanks ;>

september pt 1. to my dad who gave me money after i graduated because i do all the household chores and i folded his clothes. not only for that, i’m also thanking him for being A DAD. nuff said. he the best.

september pt 2. to my lola who gave me money as well i’m so spoiled and tried to help me find a job in our local area even though i cringe at the thought of actually working with the same faces. i mean???????????

september pt 3. actually thanks to my cool but protective uncles and to my aunts who supplied my boujee stuff. what will i do without these clothes and shoes??? i’d also like to add that job one of you offered but as you can see, my cuteass was about to leave for dubai.

october. thanks to mom for bringing me to dubai YAY!! thanks for putting me first and all that cheesy shit mothers love to do. thanks for the occassional nagging. ghad ur femaleness. *insert eyeroll*

november. i dont really know who to thank so can i just give this one to my pretty-much-well-rounded-music-taste? in extension to thanking my PMWRMT, i’d also like to thank the artists who made it possible. (i’m so laughing at this one)

december. who else do i thank? ah, myself. thanks for living and having a kinda dirty heart and soul. they corrupted my pure heart so it’s not my fault at all. with all the twists and turns that happened, i’m still here. i know youngins are saying they’re “trying to die” as a joke. let me sprinkle that with positive words and twist it a little for a more dramatic effect. me, well i look for the things to live for coz i’m already d e d inside.

***nothing follows***

[alxxkim]

December 2

I’m currently listening to Overwhelming while eating candy corn Jin got me for my bday (so its been a month and yet) and I feel like I have a lot to say that I don’t have someone to tell to all in one sitting so here it goes. A few weeks ago I decided to stay at Biola for the spring but now I am having second thoughts. I am WAY happier at school away from my family/house and the thought of living at home 24/7 aka how summer was aka hell makes me actually want to kill myself. I really hope that there’s a chance Karina and I both go to Fullerton so we can have a place together.  It sounds so fantastical but also just imagining how amazing my life would be is just all I am looking forward to. I think that I am going to end up enrolling late and not get any classes I want because people have already signed up for classes and most are full lo l but yeah. I am suffering from writer’s block. I tried writing tonight and I actually started crying as I was singing but it just didn’t feel right. I really want to write songs that I can 100% sing-cry to and make it feel so right. I just haven’t found it yet.I wonder how Jon Bellion wrote these songs haha. His lyrics are just so fucking wholesome and relevant to so many aspects of my life. Listening to him tho makes me feel so fucking confused cause the first time I saw him, I was “happy” and brown haired and dating John and the last time I saw him in September I was black haired, single, and broken. I still am those three things. Work has taken over my life again.  I am scheduled Friday-Sunday for the next 2 weeks and as $$ as that made me think I was be, honestly it just doesn’t feel worth it right now. Granted, when I get paid, I will probably feel otherwise.  I’ve been telling myself and others that I am okay with things with John. I honestly can’t fucking tell what I am.  I obviously miss him. I am doing fine without him, I will keep doing fine without him, but I miss having that person. I guess it’s slowly transitioning to the point where you miss the feelings and not the actual person. But just typing that made me realize how false that is. I miss John a lot. He was so funny and caring and loved me so much. I honestly think I can now realize that he loved me just as much as I loved him. And I loved him so fucking much. Just being next to him made everything okay.  The night my mom found an empty cartridge in my room and messaged me about it asking and I thought I was done for, and all I did was just cry, John was just there and as terrified as I was, I was okay because of him.  I think its because its December and the holidays are coming and last winter was probably one of the best parts of my life so far. My 6 week winter break was full of shabu, Fiona, my new polaroid, and just freedom. I was so happy I had Sen Nick and Tyler. I was so happy I had my friends at home. Everything was just so nice. And I had the plan to go to slo with Faith before break ended, and it was just so nice. I miss that feeling of being so excited to see John again. As hard and fucking unfair the distance was being with him obviously made it worth it.  I wish I realized how unhappy John was.  But there’s nothing I could’ve done.  And I need to accept that so that I can stop hating myself for not being better.  Maybe I need to take the next semester off.  Maybe I just need to find new things I could enjoy. I don’t think I want to go to Disneyland next week with my family. My sister isn’t talking to me again. I feel like the family is broken again but its just with me. I’m slowly turning back into the person I was during the summer. There are so many people in my past that I want to rekindle things with and just fucking get a meal to catch up, but I can never do that. I don’t want to talk about John I don’t want to talk about how unhappy and depressed I am.  But I am so tired of pretending like everything is okay. I feel like deleting all social media again. Looking on insta after shifts is just shit because I just feel this urge to fucking post but i have nothing to post because I spent my night inside working. Last night was really fun though. I got off work at around 11 I think and came home and showered and was just going to be on my phone for hours till I was okay enough to sleep. I knew Shin wanted to fuck haha but I told him that I felt like shit so he called me and asked what was up and why I’m depressed.  He actually listened even though I was barely telling him everything because then he would probably think I’m insane if he doesn’t already but yeah he told me to just focus on things I love and that it really helps. It’s so admirable how much he loves working out and playing basketball. But yeah we talked for nearly an hour until he decided to get me and I came outside when he said he was here and as I walked out i noticed he was outside walking to me and he gave me a hug and we drove behind Target and sat there for maybe like 30 min just talking and listening to jbel and the script LOL HE SANG THIS ONE SONG SO FUCKING LOUD he said hes never sung that loudly in front of anyone before hahaha i wish i knew what song it was but i will cause he plays it daily. i just hate asking so im gonna have to snake a peek at his phone the next time it plays. my toes were rlly cold and so he started warming my right foot with his hands and blew air into them a lot haha it was so cute and he gave me a dank ass fucking foot massage holy shit. it hurt like a bitch but in the best way possible. my feet/ankles are always so fucked when i work. so it was especially dank. I also didn’t wear makeup and he said I look better without makeup haha i was like ooooooooooooooooooooook but rlly yeah i was happy he said that especially because I’ve been wearing makeup daily because I just hate myself without it. But that day I had a bare face and actually felt okay. He kissed me and he kept saying how he loves kissing me so much. Omg and we made out to jon b like im sorry but it was fucking amazing. ok we also fucked to him too HAHAHAHA  And then kevin told us to cruise outside cydni’s house cause him paul and esther were smoking so we went and as we pulled up, paul looked at us through his open window and we both laughed in the same explosive way HAHAHAHAH and they told us to shut the fuck up jk they just sushed us ahahahah omfg. it was just too gold. i really don’t want to ever smoke in front of shin again but yeah I couldn’t just say no to weed haha so we hit a piece which burned the shit out of my throat and I was pretty faded I guess and shin kept coughing cause we werent hotboxing the car but it was still potent and i felt bad :( and he was like IS SECONDHAND FADED A THING hahahaha and esther had her juul so i hit that and then we left the car to smoke and i smoked a stoog. oh yeah so immediately after we got out of the car to walk to their car in the beginning, we were just standing outside their car as they were sitting inside and shin like immediately took off his jacket (the warm flannel we got at pacsun whom he loves) and gave it to me even tho he was wearing a tshirt and shorts ugh. i took it off before smoking cause i didn’t want it to  smell so he put it back on and he was like “you can wear it once youre done smoking” haha. and he offered to give it back on the way back to his car but i said i was ok. then on the drive to my house i stuck my body out the window to vent out the smell LOL and it was cold as fuck but felt cool esp with shin’s crazy ass driving hahahahah and i was like i wish you had a sunroof and he was like “yeah thats my bad” and i was like NO BITCH IM NOT TRYING TO COMPLAIN ITS NOT UR BAD I MJSUT SAYING lol and shin has told me how much he hates smoking and the extent of it and how its so unattractive to kiss someone whos smoked so im like welp but as i was getting out of the car he was like yeah fuck u u smell i aint kissing you and i made a pout as i was getting out and he was like no wait and he kissed my cheek hehe. and before that he asked if i was feeling better and i said yes and thanked him and he said yeah of course anytime in a tone like ofc bitch. haha i love when he kisses my head T^T but yeah i came home around 4:40 or however long it took to get to my house and I was happy and hickey’d up and i was just so happy we ended up doing that. 

i slept right before 7am and woke up like 11 so yeah i barely slept which is probably why i felt so off today. but i just stayed in bed till my hair cut which was at 2 and kathy was so shocked to see i cut my bangs LOL going on and on about how i never wanted bangs and then i do it and i WISH I DID NOT TRIM THEM LAST WEEK CAUSE THEYRE SO SHORT NOW CAUSE THEY WERE SO UNEVEN AND I LOWKEY HATE MY HAIR AND I WISH I DIDNT GET IT CUT SHORT UGH I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE but im gonna work with it and we’ll see.  I wanna change my hair color again but idk what to change it to.  Then i went to emily’s and we picked up at unity and smoked and caught up and she was doing her interior design homework and i had to leave cause of work which sucked cause i just wanted to actually hang out but i covered shin’s shift today cause he spent all day studying so im glad i got to help him out and if it were anyone else’s shift i would’ve hated myself lol. but he didn’t call me until like 1 or something but i knew he would call eventually and he said he wanted to finish his work early so we could’ve hung out but he has way too much and so we just talked but i could barely talk cause my bitchass sister always fucking goes off about how inconsiderate i am so yeah lmao but yeah and i told him i got off work early to which he said he knew cause i got home around 11 and i ate and he calculated it and theres no way i couldve eaten after getting off at 10:30 and got home HAHAH like he cared enough to think about that.... and then i told him i have work tomorrow 11:30-5 and he said then maybe he’ll come bring me boba 

i dont expect him to but maybe he will im so fucking over work

i cant believe its already sunday tomorrow and i have to go back to school for chapel i think.  fucking kill me. i just want to have free time

[lexisree]

My Shit Life

Or:  I really should see a therapist but I can't so I'm going to let all of my issues out in the air

WARNING: Possible Triggers (?); Probably very TMI and personal; maybe second-hand embarrassment; depression and anxiety are very real and honestly exposed in this; honest & brutal fears

IF ANY OF THIS MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE PLEASE USE DISCRETION WHEN READING OR DON'T READ IT AT ALL

Thanks for reading, I hope it helps you maybe or just brings a stronger sense of understanding about something.

I’M REALLY ANXIOUS ABOUT POSINT THIS BUT I REALLY THINK I NEED TO BECUASE I NEED HELP AND HONESTY AND THIS IS JUST THE FIRST STEP - for me anyway

Okay so recently, I've had a bit of a, uh, coming out thing (ish) to my family - more specifically my dad and step-sister, seeing as my mom already knows I'm at least bisexual.  Although, it's ... more than that.  

Like, there's some background that would make it easier to understand things eventually and I ... really need to get things off my chest.  I mean, before you really get too invested or I start anything in regards to letting stuff out, you should know that my ... mental heath is really not at it's best at the moment (hasn't been for a very long time, I don't think) and it's not that I have any kind of doctor notice or anything to know that.  

But I really need therapy, I know I do.  I need someone to help and honestly just listen and fix things but I just ... I can't yet.  I just can't.

But I do have a very intelligent friend taking psychology courses (I also know how to research and look things up and think for myself) that I ... probably rely on far too much to be healthy, but she's trying to help me, but it ... just doesn't work that way, I know she's not certified and she's not objective and unbiased and it's just so hard to talk to people that aren't.

That's why I'm doing this.  This is my first step I think, to actually getting my shit together and getting therapy and honest help, so ... jeez, yeah.  I'm gonna fucking try to do this even though my brain is saying

no, no, no, no, STOP THIS DON'T, these people are going to judge you, they're going to look at this and see a sob story, they're going to think you want fucking attention that you don't actually have problems that you're a DISGRACE!

But I won't fucking let myself stop, I'll fucking do this and I'm gonna do it and fuck, I'm getting off topic again and I need to stop procrastinating.

Anyway, knowing the background is important for you to understand why everything is so confusing; just why I'm terrified and angry and also a little bit relieved and overwhelmed to know that I'm just so different.  I am not, and probably never will be, cis.  I don't feel comfortable in my own skin a lot of the time, I feel very gross and almost like an imposter some days - but others I don't.  Some days I'm very confident and strong in the knowledge that I'm biologically a female.

I'm also sometimes attracted to men, other days to women, and often enough, nonbinary as well - so you would think I'd be pansexual right?  But that doesn't feel right either.  I don't fit into any kind of mould because sometimes I don't even fell attracted to anyone - that can go on for days or weeks, and even months.  

And it's terrifying.

Why is it terrifying?  Well, read my 'backstory' first, because it will give a lot of context that would make more sense than just "lowkey control issues and apathetic tendencies."

So like, I grew up in a very religious home (until I'd hit my teens that is - everything went to shit thereafter) and both my mom and my dad were very conservative - like most of the family - and I was just always told I was going to be a certain way, live a certain life, and held to certain expectations and I never really got around to not believing it (even if it was a subconscious kind of thing).  

Growing up, I was almost always dressed in "boy's" hand-me-downs, which I never had a problem with, it was always comfortable and genuinely what I liked.  But then elementary and middle school came and both my parents and my sister (who at this point I don't even really talk much to anymore - and she's one of the 3 blood-relatives I even associate with) have started to kinda just ignore that I exist.

My sister ... went through a lot of shit during that time, and honestly, it felt like I was just left to flounder through everything on my own because I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary.  I made A's and B's in school, I was in Art Club and Drama during elementary and Art Club and Band during middle school, and just Band during my first year of High School.  

I had like, a few acquaintances that I was stubbornly insisting were friends (they really weren't) and just overall feeling very, very alone. I didn't really know at the time that I was depressed, didn't know that I was developing bad habits and honestly probably should have asked for help at that time (especially since I was around someone going through what I could have been - what I probably would have turned into if I wasn't stubborn as fuck).

It was also just around that time - right between ages 12 and 14 - that I started to realize that I ... didn't really like people.  Not in the way all the kids around me seemed to anyway.  I didn't seem to think people were attractive in any way other than aesthetically.  Like, I'd be able to say that someone was pretty or handsome or objectively appealing ... but that was it.  It was all objective and felt very detached.  And I hated that.

At the time I'd not really yet learned how to just ... ignore everyone else (as I'd only developed my very frightening apathetic mask until after I'd turned 14).  I felt very confused and alone and constantly paranoid because what if someone found out, what if my parents figure it out, what would my sister do - I don't want to be like that.

I was always scared and constantly stressed and I'd soon developed the ... worst of my habits.  I started to bottle things - rarely letting them out, and, like, the only way I could - or really, would - let them out, was through the arts.  

I picked up poetry (and honestly, I think this was the closest to an 'emo phase' I've ever been in, but it was just ... so much more than that) right around that time as well, and it wasn't until during my 8th grade school year that I finally started to think that maybe I was depressed.  

At the time I was still 12 (it was the beginning of the school year - August/September - and my BDay is in November) and my grandmother (Memaw - she was my (step)dad's mom btw) had just passed away ... and she was literally the only person in my family at the time that paid attention to me.  She was the only one that listened and helped and just seemed to care.  

When she passed away, I was ... I was very lost, I don't deny it.  

I also started to fully develop my anxiety during that time (not that I knew what the fuck any of this shit was) and I was ... I was very confused and scared and honestly just really lost during that time.  

But then I'd started marching band (I played the flute) and felt like I had a reason and started making friends - actual friends - but come the end of my freshman year my family (that is, me, my mom, my dad, and my sister) all ended up moving half-way across the country because my dad's son (so my step-brother with literally no blood relation to me at all) had kidney failure and my dad was a possible donor.

Three years after the move (and a lot of anxiety and depression and fear on my part) the surgery finally happened.  And while I was very glad and relieved for everything working out, I was so far gone in my anxiety by this point that I ... that I couldn't even .. I coudn't fucking muster up the will and strength to visit their fucking hospital room I coudn't fucking - I couldn't curb the anxiety enough to visit my dad - one of the most important people in my life - in his hospital room after he'd selflessly given up his kidney (and there was no hesitation at all and dad is just such a good man) and was in surgery for hours.

And I felt like the scum of the earth.

I can't - I can't tell you how much I hated myself for that.  I hated that I just - I couldn't fucking get my shit together and go see my dad as he laid prone on a hospital bed after doing one of the most amazing, selfless, wonderful things ever.  

I ... I can't even.  I cried, and still do (read: as I write this) when I think about it because - because he, he doesn't blame me for it.  He doesn't hold it against me and sometimes I think that he should.  He should feel sad or angry or something!  

It was really around that time that I decided that - that this was a problem.  

My dad - who'd taken care of me for no reason other than he cared and stayed with my mom even tho their marriage was long over by the time I could really understand.  My dad - who doesn't even have any blood relation to me, and yet still cares and lets me stay with him on the weekends, and is always there even after he and my mom split.

My dad, who I didn't even know wasn't my "father" until after I'd turned 7, never once made me feel inferior for who I was born to, what I felt, how I handled things ... the man that means so much to me.  

And yet I feel a constant irrational need to meet his expectations (even tho I know all he wants is to see me be successful and happy) and constant irrational fear that he won't want to be my dad anymore once he - once - fuck

once he realizes I'm fucked up and scared and wrong

And like, I know it's irrational and stupid and dumb because he isn't like that - I KNOW THAT - but like my anxiety and fears won't let me believe it. And that's why I have such a hard time coming to terms with who I am.  

Becuase I can't even muster up the courage to face my dad and say 'I need therapy' or 'hey, dad .. I'm queer' or even just 'dad .. I think I need some help.' because I don't want to let him down and it's just so overwhelming sometimes.

But then there's also the issue with my mom.  I love my mom, don't get me wrong - I really do.  I love her very much, but ... but I don't really - .. like her sometimes.  I don't like that she has a double standard set for me and my sibling(s) - that she expects me to be someone I'm not.  How she assumes I'm okay and honestly just have a small case of depression and/or anxiety and that can be fixed.

I don't like that, now that my sister has moved out (my biological sister that is) my mom has decided to hinder me from becoming someone - getting my life together, getting a degree, making progress ... all in a selfish attempt to 'keep her chicks in the next.' or something

I have serious issues - more than just depression and anxiety and fear.  I don't have any idea of my sexual identity, my biological identity (because I know I'm not cis, and the only thing that I can put it in is 'fluid' but it's not really that either) - I don't know a lot of things about myself and it's terrifying.

But I want to fix it.  I want - need - the help.  

I'm just at that point in my life where everything is shit, I have no idea what to do or how to do it and there's honestly there's just so much I could do, so much I have to do ... and it's daunting and scary and honestly just so stressful and probably going to give me heart failure but I want to get better.

And if there's one thing I've learned, is that you can't help someone if they don't want to be helped and that goes both ways.  You can't get help unless you admit you need it and seek it out.

I just hope that what (admittedly heavy but still little) I've shared of my fears and needs and honest issues actually goes into helping you out, because I've learned that you can glean just about anything from someone else's story that may just help you.