uhlexaleem

[uhlexaleem]

favorite fool

i’m so tired of posting shit here only because of one person. it’s a fucking shame but guess what, i’ll probably do it again.

it has been what, 4 years? and i have no fucking clue what this means anymore. sometimes i think why it had to be me. there’s a lot of fools out there but i’m probably your favorite fool. i’m the idiot who cannot build her fences good enough. i’m the woman who’s so willing to do any fucking thing if only i didn’t have my deteriorating self-respect.

even though i might think that, people told me i think way too much. i’m the fool who thinks too much.

[uhlexaleem]

honestly i just wish that you are well all the time. my love for you has evolved to something like that. always take care of yourself. i wouldn’t wanna know for a second time that you’re gone. that shit worries me so much. so there’s that. if there is something else i wanna say it’s probably the fact that you always pop in my head every now and then. and that sometimes i wish i had met you. and that i know you probably think the same. you don’t have to tell me otherwise. don’t worry about me i will live even if sometimes i just wanna disappear. i’m just really lucky to have someone right now who keeps me from clashing with those thoughts. soon enough you’ll forget me. know that i love you and i’m happy i got to know you.

[uhlexaleem]

to laugh and fight with

somebody had just left. the noise is gone, and finally i have the peace that i wanted.

somehow, i thought that was what i wanted. but now that the room is empty and it’s only me, this doesn’t feel so nice. the certainty that a person won’t ever come back.

i always try to avoid doing things that will lead to this feeling, but sometimes i feel that i’m only human and i’m very inclined as most of us to find connection with someone.

now it’s only me, and it will never be the same.

[uhlexaleem]

i feel so much better just staying at home. being outside makes me feel so vulnerable and my anxiety is getting triggered. you all don’t know how many b*its i have been avoiding to talk to.

[uhlexaleem]

my posts from years ago makes me laugh. those were baby gecka’s posts thinking she got all the bad cards in life.

i’ve been pushing myself to do well, to be good, to know who i am, to know what i want. the outcomes do not always support the purpose BUT, i’ve learned how to love myself beyond my allotted times. i’ve given myself a break from things that can only bruise me and i just wanna focus on things that will make me happy.

life is very simple. people make it complicated.

[uhlexaleem]

why do u do that

you know what kills me sometimes, it’s the fact that it could have been something but i know it will never be because although we were alright here i would never know how it will be out there. and i really do hate to think about the connection we had before whilst being with somebody else. the fact that there was no beginning at all makes it even harder to close the book. i am very frustrated and i really don’t know what to do. i don’t know if you feel the same way, but if you don’t then you’re very lucky.

[uhlexaleem]

[uhlexaleem]

dear H,

i’ve always understood why you’ve been so private. though you did sth wrong i would still think that you’re the smartest and most mysterious in your range.

these past few days, i’ve been really upset with people and didn’t rly want to tell anyone how upset i was. it feels as though it’s just going to be a burden to them. or even if i tell them, i still won’t be heard. i was thinking if you felt the same way? you left us hanging there and stopped talking to any of us. i guess, that’s how you would want to live your life. or in this case, how we live ours. because i feel like leaving too. like forgetting everything behind. leave all the bullshit and move on.

i have no clue if people have forgotten you. but when they talk about you, it’s always the nasty shit that comes from their mouths. maybe that’s how it is. anyway, in my head like i said, you’re one of the most mysterious people ever and maybe you’ll find it corny but hey, you amaze me.

[uhlexaleem]

tornado cycle

so it’s been a long time since i ranted here. i tried so much to rant things into beautiful words conveying deep meaning. probably i will just go simpler this time.

all this time i maybe just wanted to love myself the way people love themselves. to me, things have always seemed unfair and i didn’t really understand what the problem was—people tend to act selfishly. i’ve always questioned why i end up being alone. until somebody would just try to grab a huge amount of attention from me then would just shy away when i want it back. and that shit is addicting. getting so little from so much that you’ve given. that shit is fucking addicting.

at the same point of time, somebody has been giving me shitloads of love and attention that sometimes it feels like i’m just lost in a fucking tornado and i don’t wanna get out of it. that sometimes i just think am i worthy of this and should i enjoy this? is this fuckin legal thing to do or that sorta shit. i am just really happy it’s the right person and i don’t regret not even a single bit loving back. always.

[uhlexaleem]

8 Things You Need to Chill Out About

1. The few things that aren’t going right. – When things go wrong, take a moment to be thankful for all the other things that are still going right. And if you’re struggling to be thankful for what you have, be thankful for what you have escaped. Sometimes the best gifts in life are the troubles you don’t have.

2. Trying to label everyone and everything. – Sometimes you’ve just got to take people and situations for what they are, appreciate them, and not try to label them or change them.

3. Worrying about what everyone else thinks. – The minute you stop overwhelming your mind with caring about what everyone else thinks, and start doing what you feel in your heart is right, is the minute you will finally feel freedom.

4. Wasting time on the wrong people. – You cannot make someone respect you; all you can do is be someone who can be respected. No matter how much you care some people just won’t care back. At some point you have to realize the truth – that they no longer care or never did, and that maybe you’re wasting your time and missing out on someone else who does.

5. Old wounds and grudges. – You will never find peace until you learn to finally let go of the hatred and hurt that lives in your heart. In order to move on, you must know why you felt the way you did, and why you no longer need to feel that way. It’s about accepting the past, letting it be, and pushing your spirit forward with good intentions.

6. Superficial judgments. –Every human being is beautiful; it just takes the right set of eyes to see it.

7. Letting small disagreements snowball out of control. – Don’t let a single poisonous moment of misunderstanding make you forget about the countless lovable moments you’ve spent together.

8. Showing a lack of self-respect. – Decide this minute to never again beg anyone for the love, respect, and attention that you should be showing yourself. Choose to be your own best friend.

Source: http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/12/14/9-things-you-need-to-chill-out-about/ (Abridged)

[uhlexaleem]

i’ve always been self-destructive and also strives to build myself at the same time. i’m tired of the shits i did before but somehow i want to come back to all of it.

being 21 isn’t so easy after all. i have desired to be but i just can’t be. i don’t want to move on from the past me but people say that’s what i should do. it’s heartbreaking to be restricted by time that has turned into years that makes me turn into someone else who i am not. i just don’t live for it. you should yearn for better things, they say.

all i can do is try. and i’m just so good at failing.

[uhlexaleem]

tumblr im BEGGING you let me reblog ads

[uhlexaleem]

my posts here makes me so wanna cry bcoz when things get sad i still get the same feeling. and i love myself despite all my flaws. despite stupidity and wrong choices. and i’m gonna continue being like this. i’ll be stronger each day and fly high one day.

[uhlexaleem]

kung wala akong mararamdaman bukas pag nakita kita, tigil ko na to. katulad ng sabi sakin ng nanay ko, wala rin kapupuntahan. so, ayun.

[uhlexaleem]

why am i even here

[uhlexaleem]

pader

1. the side of a house, room, or other hollow thing: pader, tabiki, dingding

2. stone, brick, or other material built up to enclose, divide, support, or protect: pader

or it can be an anagram of something else. p a d e r

somehow it all felt like that. enclosed, divided, supported, protected.

i’m so tired. and i wish i was in a different setting. i wish it wasn’t like this. i wish someone was here and didn’t leave. i’m so sad and disgusted.