#also remember 'just' surviving is a huge accomplishment and you should be proud about it

[thigholstercas]

happy new year, little people in my phone <3 here's to your ships going canon, to time to read and/or write about those two cuddling sweetly or fucking nasty and to having more time to be chronically online 🫶🏻✨️🥂

[whumpy-writings]

Fed and Watered

Masterlist

The story of 023, aka Henri, and Aldon continues. @thecyrulik asked if Henri's life was going to get better, so here is some comfort and fluff for poor Henri. This post is also dedicated to @whumpsy-daisy , 023's number 1 fan!

CW: Vampires, slavery, dehumanization, anxiety, starvation, disordered eating, mention of past physical and mental abuse, nudity (non-explicit/non-sexual), scars, (and fluff, I promise)

The last thing he remembered was Master telling him to breathe. Now the ground beneath him was soft.. No. Not the ground. A bed. Henri’s eyes flew open in a panic. Humans weren’t allowed on beds. He rolled to the side, falling off the bed and onto the wooden floor. Oof. He rubbed his sore nose, wincing. Henri looked around the room. It was large with dark wooden furniture giving it a sense of finery. The walls were lined with red tapestries which depicted various scenes from folklore.

Henri’s eyes stopped when they reached a small table. On the table was a bowl, and he could see the steam rising from it. Terror swept through him. Master had said it would be a couple days but apparently had changed his mind. Henri crawled over so he could clearly be seen from the door and knelt, heart pounding. Breathe, he told himself. In... out...in...out. His mind started to wander. This was his life, all he was was a meal for his betters. But sometimes… sometimes he still wished for more. He tried to push those thoughts away but they always came back, sneaking into the corners of his mind that weren’t completely dark. Thoughts of a life without fear. A life without pain. He jumped as the door opened, heart in his throat. Master stood in the doorway, his broad shoulders almost filling the entire frame. Master’s eyes fell on Henri, and Henri had to suppress the urge to flinch. A frown.

“You don’t need to do that here, Henri, you can stand up.” Henri rushed to get to his feet, a wave of dizziness hitting him. Next thing he knew, Master was next to him, grabbing his arm so he wouldn’t fall to the floor.

“Careful there.” Master glanced over to the table with the soup, a crease on his brow. “Why haven’t you eaten, Henri? You must be starving.” Henri looked from the soup to Master and back again, confused. He wasn’t allowed to eat yet. Henri tipped his head to the side, exposing his neck for Master.

“No, I don’t want that,” Master said quickly.

Henri let out a sob. He was so hungry, but he couldn’t eat yet. “Please Master, please I’m so hungry and I can’t eat until you have.”

…

Aldon froze, shocked. He had never heard of such a thing. “Was that your old Master’s rule?”

“Yes sir.” Aldon considered this, horror building in his stomach.

“How often did your Master feed?” he asked.

“Usually about three times a week, sir,” Henri replied quietly.

Aldon gaped. No wonder the human was so weak. Humans needed to eat at least once every day, much more often than vampires. Aldon took a deep breath, thinking of what to say.

“Here there is a different rule. I need you to be healthy, and eating three times a week is not going to accomplish that. You’re to eat everyday, whether or not it’s a feeding day. Anytime you’re hungry, let me know and I’ll get you some food.”

Henri looked at him in shock, big blue eyes huge. Then he started to cry. “Thank you for your kindness, Master.”

Aldon’s heart broke a little at being thanked for granting the bare minimum for survival. “Of course, Henri. Now why don’t you eat your soup? I’m going to go draw a bath for you.”

…

The soup was heavenly. It was warm, with potatoes and carrots and onions. There was a slice of bread too, which filled his mouth with yeasty deliciousness. Henri savored each bite. When he was done he leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes. He was full. He hadn’t been full in… he didn’t even know how long.

...

Aldon felt the bath water. Not too hot, not too cold. He turned off the tap, drying his hands on the nearby towel. Time to get Henri. Aldon walked down the hall, gently rapping on the door before poking his head in. “The bath is all ready. Did you eat?”

Henri nodded vigorously, a ghost of a smile on his pale face. “Yes Master, Thank you Master.” He got out of the chair, hesitating for an instance. “Master…” he said, face going white, “I’m sorry for using the furniture without permission. Please forgive me.”

Aldon took a calming breath. Henri’s old master was certifiably, undeniably, an awful person. “No need to apologize Henri, you are allowed to use any of the furniture that you want.”

The relief was apparent on Henri’s face.“Thank you, Master.”

Aldon turned around hurriedly so Henri would not see the rage on his face. The ways some people treated their humans were just despicable.

“Come on Henri, let’s get you cleaned up.” Henri followed Aldon down the hall to the bathroom. It was small, with a white clawfoot tub and floors and walls covered in white ceramic tiles. This was one of the few houses in this part of the city that had the luxury of running water. Aldon turned back to Henri, only to find the man already undressed, pants on the floor. Aldon turned away immediately, cheeks burning.

“Is something the matter, Master?” Henri asked, voice filled with uncertainty and a tinge of fear

.

“No, I just was going to give you privacy to change. You’re allowed privacy here,” he quickly added.

“Oh,” a pause. “Thank you, Master,” Henri said quietly.

“You can climb in the tub now.” Aldon averted his eyes as Henri climbed in, then turned to the human sitting in the tub, bubbles up to his chest. “Would you like help bathing, or will you be able to do it on your own?” he asked carefully.

Henri considered this for a moment. “I would like a bit of help with my back and my hair, if you would be willing to. This hair is… a mess.” he said, gesturing to the greasy blond mop on his head.

“I can definitely help you with that.” Aldon knelt down next to the tub and picked up a cloth. He could hear Henri’s elevated breathing and could see the rapid rise and fall of his chest. “You’re okay Henri, how about we take a couple breaths?” Aldon led Henri through a couple rounds of deep breathing, until the human had calmed down.

“I’m sorry Master,” Henri said, staring down at the water, regret thick in his voice.

“Hey,” Aldon said, reaching out and taking Henri’s chin in his hand, gently making him look up at him. Henri’s blue eyes sparkled, threatening to spill tears. “I know this has been a big change for you. Anybody would be nervous in your place. I’m really proud of how well you’re doing.”

Henri blushed. “Thank you, Master.” he said.

“Of course, Henri,” Aldon said, picking up his cloth and dipping it in the water. He started to gently rub his back. Aldon pressed his lips together. Every single rib and vertebra was visible, creating deep ridges in the skin. Henri was covered in dirt and the water quickly starting to take on a brownish hue. Aldon paused when he glanced at Henri’s neck. There was a scar there, two actually. They were parallel to each other, running from the base of his skull all the way to the collarbone. Almost as if… someone had dragged their fangs down his neck. Aldon pursed his lips, fingers lingering on the scar. Henri froze, beneath his touch. “Henri, who did this to you?”

Henri didn’t respond for a second, and Aldon started to worry that maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned it. Then finally Henri said, “Mas… Old Master” A pause. “I… I tried to run away.” Aldon cocked an eyebrow at that. Henri continued in a rush. “I know I shouldn’t have, that I should have been grateful for his protection. I didn’t make it far. This,” his fingers went to the scars, lightly tracing them “was my punishment. He wanted to make sure I knew who I belonged to. I’ll never try to run away from you, Master. I’ve learned my lesson.”

Aldon couldn’t see Henri’s face, but he could hear the sadness in his voice. Anger bubbled to the surface. How dare someone do that to another creature? Aldon pushed his feelings down. He would deal with it later.

“Thank you for telling me that, Henri.” There was silence for a while, Aldon moving on to Henri’s hair. It was matted with dirt and grease, tangled into knots. Aldon worked his fingers into the knots, slowly loosening them. After a while of working, he noticed that Henri was much more relaxed, his breathing steady. He smiled to himself. “Well, I think I’m done. Can you rinse your hair for me?”

Henri nodded, ducking quickly under the water. When he came up he was smiling. “Thank you, Master. That was wonderful.”

Aldon gave a quick nod, not trusting his voice. He cleared his throat. “You can finish up, and then get changed. There are some clothes for you on the table.” Henri nodded. Aldon left the room, quietly shutting the door behind them. Then he leaned back against it, head tilted back, and smiled.

Tag list: @thecitythatdoesntsleep @whump-cravings @thecyrulik @neverthelass @michelleswhumpyreblogs @whumpsy-daisy

[vanilla-vivillon]

So since y’all seemed to like Kanej kid, let’s do Zoyalai kid. Also David isn’t dead in this because it is to sad

||ROW SPOILERS||

TW, this has brief mentions of infertility and describes labor, nothing to graphic just talks about how painful it is

After the wedding zoya and Nikolai were both excited to start a family

Nikolai; while he adores his sister Linnea and his father, never really was able to grow up in a loving household

He never wanted that for his children

He and Vasily had a horrible relationship growing up and he wanted to di everything in his power to make sure his kids had a healthy sibling relationship

Zoya on the other hand never really thought she’d have kids

Before everything went down she kinda assumed she’d work as a general and work to help Grisha

She never thought she’d have children

That obviously had to change

The country needed heirs

Zoya already decided that since she was probably gonna live a loooooong time, when her heir came of age she would step down; that way she wouldn’t love for a super long time.

Now that Zoya was gonna have children she wasn’t honestly sure about

What if they hold her back?

What if she gives up to many duties for them?

But higher the all these other worries she didn’t want to turn into her own mother

No matter how much Nikolai assured her that never will happen

Zoya still had worries

Zoya was a lot of things but motherly she was not

Nevertheless in February Zoya and Nikolai told there friends they were expecting

They were all incredibly happy for them

Tamar loved children although she herself didn’t want any and couldn’t wait to teach the kid things like how to ride a horse or shoot

Tolya objected saying the kid should be well educated on poatry and great works that way the Nazyalensky dynasty might be somewhat pious

Genya was hoping for a girl. Genya and David had there son Forrest earlier that year and Genya was already planning play dates

David was happy for his friends and had already started on projects for toys for the kid

When they wrote Mal and Alina they were ecstatic

While Mal gave tips on how to handle babies to Nikolai

Alina with her wiles and years of friendship with Zoya figured out all the way from Keramzin Zoya was worried

She wrote “Zoya babe imma cut to the chase, your nervous, your scared, your probably worried you’ll turn out to be a horrible mother. And imma tell you your not. Cause you’ve got an amazing freaking team. You’ve got Nikolai, Magnus, Linnea, and Genya and David, the twins, and of course myself. There’s no way in hell we’d let you turn out horrible to the kid. We’ve got you”

It helped Zoya a lot

She decided it was orphan wiles that Alina used to diagnose her exact problem from the letter she wrote to her

And Zoya did have wonderful people to help her

She wasn’t alone

Zoya had been trying to remember that more

Three months along Zoya was safely into Trmester two and it was time to tell the public

This was crucial to the monarchy

While zoya and Nikolai were popular

They needed an heir to convive people of the security of the nation

They made a public speech announcing the baby and Ravka went wild

If there’s one thing Ravkans know how to do it’s rally around babies

Letter came pouring in from name suggestions to old wives tales

They said Rosemary made the baby healthier

They said they should name there child Plumje

Well the Plumje comment was from some Kerch girl Zoya found strange but never mind that

The announcement was huge

The people had hope

Hope that wolves wouldn’t come knocking

Hope that there boys and girls wouldn’t be drafted

Hope for peace

While the people rejoiced Zoyas pregnancy was getting tougher

She had a easy enough first trimester but the second? That was rough

The morning sickness was bad

Her Healer; a no nonsense Fjerdan Women said that the vomiting wasn’t something that could be healed

And so Zoya suffered on

Zoya insisted on keeping her normal schedule

Her usual meetings with Grisha and the spy’s

Passive agressive letters to the Kerch

Aggressive aggressive letters to the shu

And trying to figure out whether or not there was a revolution group in the Wandering Isle

Zoyas schedule was already stressed and the baby wasn’t helping

Eventually her healer; Monika, put her foot down

“Your Magesty” She started “if you do not alleviate your stress I guarantee your pregnancy will be worse”

“Look Monika I can handle a little throw up”

Monika and Zoya attended the little palace together

While Monika was a healer and back then the animosity between corporalki and etherealki were high, they were friends

It was good to have a powerful healer in your corner when half the little palace hates you

And it was good to have a powerful squaller in your corner when your Fjerdan and in enemy territory

“Zoya you are endangering your child” Monika stated

By this statement Nikolai had enough

And zoya finally listened

Nikolai assumed some of her duties and Zoya started to feel a bit better

Her second trimester was stressful for there relationship

Nikolai had a hard time understanding zoya

And Zoyas fears started to grow

But they were a good couple

And they worked through tension before

Zoya opened up about her worries of being a competent queen with a child

She leaned on Nikolai more

And they worked together to fix the damage

By the end of her second trimester there relationship was healthier

And they thought the third couldn’t be as bad

In a way they were right

Her morning sickness while still present was significantly less then her second trimester

However I new thing arose

A question that everyone had been thinking

“What if the baby is Grisha?”

The Ravkans had accepted a Grisha queen

But a Grisha dynasty was another thing

Monika told them outright that the baby was probably Grisha

Being Grisha tended to run in families

And Zoya was fairly sure her paternal grandmother was also a squaller

The whole science of Grisha heritage wasn’t studied well

Most Grisha were in Ravka in the second army

And most of the soldiers don’t have children

Zoya also learned her new found ability to sense Grisha wasn’t fool proof

Sometimes she couldn’t tell at all

And in Genyas case of being somewhere between a corporalki and materialki, she couldn’t tell what she was

She also couldn’t sense anything in Forrest Kostyk

That meant they couldn’t rely on Zoyas power

Nikolai couldn’t help but think tracing heritage would be easier if he wasn’t a bastard

His mother’s line was easy

She was a Fjerdan princess so he could trace everything back from the very start

And from his mother not a drop of Grisha blood ran through his veins

His fathers got murky

Magnus didn’t come from nobility

He was self made

A self made orphan

So other then his father neither he nor Magnus knew anything about Grisha influence

Nevertheless they had other worries

Zoya was in her third trimester and was going to give birth any minute now

Zoya honestly didn’t think she would make it this far

And that has nothing to do with her fears of motherhood

Her own mother had four miscarriages

Pregnancy complications were common

Especially in Ravka where most couldn’t afford mediks

But now that the due date was fast approaching Zoya was in fact okay

Zoya can handle pain, she’s handled much worse

Labor was one of the least of her worries

The due date was October eighth

And on time and punctual Zoya went into labor during lunch

Nikolai joked it would be a good trait for a ruler to show up on time

However Zoya was in to much pain to think about a snarky retort

She had vastly underestimated how much this would hurt

The pain was blinding

But Zoya was strong enough to survive the fall

And so in 3:07 PM son October eighth

Prince Mycanae Juris Nazyalensky was born (prounounced My-kuh-nay-uh because I threw some random vowels together and made it a name)

Myca (My Kuh) for short

With a tuft of chocolate brown hair and beautiful hazel eyes he shone

Nikolai absolutely adored him

He would rock him and sing him lullabies

But mostly tell him stories

About the amazing Privateer Sturmhond

Of the allusive Juris

Of the little termite

Zoya in the other hand had a different approach to there newborn

When he first cried she was elated

Zoya didn’t hold back the tears of happiness and didn’t even swear the healers to secrecy after

Zoya was the epitome of

“Oh god it’s a baby, as I holding him wrong? Does he have the right clothes on? He’s so fragile and precious”

Monika had to tell her three times that Myca’s crib was fine for him and it wasn’t to hard

However the family’s elation was short lived

They were a family

But they were also the rulers of Ravka

And Ravka needed to see the face of there hope

Four hours after his birth Nikolai presented him before the nobility

Zoya still wasn’t feeling to great and Nikolai Insisted he could do it

This is what the Ravkans needed

The baby met stability

Met peace

For once in many years the people could lay down in there beds without fear

But to Zoya and Nikolai

There baby wasn’t a political tool

Or a savior

He was just a baby

A perfect

Small

Baby

This is what love does.

Im really proud of myself for accomplishing this. I worked really hard on it and to keep our characters in canon. My ask box is open and n do any Grishaverse asks

If this gets 25 likes I’ll do a part two 😉

I defo think Nikolai and Zoya would have more then one kid

Also I kid you not I couldn’t find any good names for the life of me so I eventually took a break and was doing my History homework when I was reading some old Greek thing and saw the word “Mycenae” and was like “Yeah I can massively mispronounce this and make it a name”

Here is part two https://dablackdahlia.tumblr.com/post/651104016423583744/the-black-dahlia

I also made a Kanej kid one here

[itsmoonphobic]

👑Royal Buisness👑 (SBI+Tommy AU)

Hello!My name is Moonbow and I am a huge sbi+more fan! And so I decided to do my bois some justice and create a au based off of dnd and skyrim!They all reside in the land of "Bladestrom" a legendary kingdom build out of mysterious ruins and on the ground where dragons once rested.I will let you in on some headcanons and insights about each character!I hope you guys enjoy it🥺👑💓

Dave(Techno) Blade:

The 12th heir of the throne King Technoblade,or simply King Blade.A strong and fearless warrior known for his determination,power and strength.

He has a serious and egoistic facade.Though in reality the king is anything but egoistic and serious.Quiet the opposite actually:He tends to be very polite and respectful.Sure his ego is the size of a full grown dragon but he is a big hearted man.

Techno mostly stays in his castle walls and prefers to read or write in peace.The only time he will actually step foot in the outside world was during night,when his people need him or his favorite hobby ;)

He has a pretty unbalanced and unhealthy sleeping schedule which he constantly gets reminded of.

The only person Techno actually lets into his private life is his best friend Phil.Phil is Techno's personal knight and right hand man.Techno trusts Phil with his eyes closed,his loyalty is very appreciated.

A huge downside for Techno's reputation is that he is really shy and socially awkward.The poor guy can't find the right words or say anything normal without feeling like he said something fully absurd.

Apart from reading and fighting,Techno loves to farm potatoes in his free time.He loves the fresh taste once they are harvested and prepared properly!!His potatoes are known to be from the best quality in the whole land!Which earns Techno some extra money.

Techno won't admit it infront of Phil or anyone else but he has a soft spot for children,especially orphans. He knows the feeling of growing up without parents and he feels connected to them.That's why Techno stops by the local orphanage to donate some money he earned from his potato farming.

Techno loves to train and upgrade his swordsmanship abilities to their fullest potential.Always coming up with new strategies and techniques to use whenever the time for war would fall upon them once again.

And speaking of war,the thing that terrified the neighboring kingdoms and enemies even more about King Blade is the fact that he never manages to lose. Everyone stupid enough to challenge the king of Bladestrom would go down in shame and regret.

Though Techno isn't really in control of himself in those types of situations.His lust for blood overcomes his senses and he can't but see red with every step he takes on the battlefield.

Phil is usually the one who manages to calm him down and get him back to his normal self.Techno would feel awful and expose the side he hates the most about him to Phil: Vulnerability

Techno doesn't take things very seriously.He is very sarcastic and relaxed all the time,and that's what makes him even scarier.

He competes in the yearly bladestrom championships which is a battle arena with different challenges and obstacles you have to beat.And suprise,suprise Techno wins em' all!

Techno suffers from adhd and anxiety.Something that only Phil is aware of is Techno's ptsd.He didn't exactly have the luxurious and perfect life growing up,so when he ends up getting nightmares or panic attacks Phil's dad instincts take over and do their thing.

Long story short,Techno doesn't necessarily know his limits,but he is hundred percent aware of his strengths and weaknesses.He protects and takes care of the people he deeply cares about and welcomes them as family.His power is what makes him a fearless and violent king.But his heart is what makes him a kind and understanding human.And if he ever forgets about that side of him he simply has to listen to the repeated beating in his chest.

Phil Watson:

The royal guard with a five year long achievement on staying at the top of his game and ranking as the number one royal knight.

Earning himself the trust and life long,brother like friendship with the king himself was a big plus!

Phil is a very loyal and hardworking man.He seeks justice and always wants to take things the slow and pacifistic way before instantly turning to violence and bloodshed,much unlike his best friend.

Phil is very kind,and gentle when he needs to be. Everyone loves seeing Phil in the local town tavern or in a city bar.He always seems to read poeple like an open book and find the right topics to talk about.

Techno and Phil have a very close and important relationship.They are like a brothers,though Techno secretly looks up to Phil like a father he never had. Phil would risk his life for Techno,not only becouse of his duty as his personal guard,but becouse family comes first.

Phil is a very wholesome and strong willed guy.

Whenever Techno is feeling down or something like a panick attack or nightmare is happening,Phil immediately notices it.Techno doesn't have to say a word for Phil to hug him and take care of the vulnerable king in his hands.

He will find Techno on his balcony while patrolling the castle halls or garden in the middle of the night just staring at the moonlit sky.He always seems so lost in thought and carefree that Phil simply smiles and continues his work.

He does scold him for not resting enough the next day though-so he's never really off the hook :D

Phil is also the only person who really knows Techno.He knows his deepest fears,biggest insecurities and darkest secrets.He sees him in moments where the world would turn his back on him but Phil doesn't and he never will.That's what he promised him all those years ago.

Long story short,Phil is very kind and hardworking.He takes problems into his own hands and solves them the best way he possibly can.He can and will tease the living daylight out of Techno and that infront of other residents of the castle who don't know if they should laugh or simply stare in shock.Phil deeply loves and cares of Techno like his son and always makes sure ro put his well being infront of his own.

(I WOULD DIE FOR PHIL-HE IS SO WHOLESOME AHHH-)

Wilbur Soot:

A lonesome musician on the lookout for money and success-

Wilbur is a guitarist living on the streets of Bladestrom He goes from bar to bar and performs his musical talent there.Though the majority of the time Wil plays and sings on the streets.

Earning money is hard so affording an apartment,even a room for a few nights is almost impossible for Wilbur since he only earns a few silver coins per night,that is if he gets lucky and poeple actually listen to him.

He is very charming and suave,also add the fact that he is pretty handsome to the list and you have yourself the perfect boyfriend.May I inform you that his voice is a perfect balance between velvety and rough-

Wilbur isn't from Bladestrom.He grew up in another kingdom which he can't remember the name from since he arrived here during a war 19 years ago.

He never really heard from his parents,they just sort of disappeared.But that was something Wilbur didn't question,he didn't care about them.He learned how to survive and keep himself company.He doesn't need a family ro accomplish his goals.

Wilbur is a huge gentleman and he is also tends to be extremely flirtatious,which he is really good at btw!So yeah he earns himself some extra points with the ladies ;)

His biggest dream that he is trying to achieve is to become a famous musician in the whole entire land. Opening his own theater and doing what he loves the most.Sing and perform.

But living on the streets has it's ups and down's.Most nights Wilbur has to deal with drunk people wandering the alleyways or annoying little children who constantly pickpocket you-

Wilbur will sometimes nonchalantly sneak into a hotel and sleep in one of their cozy beds,since he doesn't experience that feeling often.Or the places he performs at reward him with shelter instead of money.

Long story short,Wilbur can keep apart dreams and reality.He is a smart and sly person who knows how to accomplish his goals.Even though Wilbur has his one Night stands more than often he would never betray a woman if he got into a serious relationship,which he plans on not having any time soon.He keeps to himself and sternly focuses on the things that matter in life,everything else is irrelevant.

Tommy Simons:

An energetic orphan with no manners and the mouth of a sailor.

Tommy grew up on the streets,any memory of his past life or family only appear as a missing puzzle piece or a black canvas.

Tommy is a very outgoing and optimistic person,his emotions are practically worn out on his sleeves.

Spending his days in the local town orphanage Tommy met a few poeple who he spends his time with.You could say that he has formed a wierd alliance with his more questionable friends.

Tommy learned how to defend himself and make sure that his "gang" stas safe aswell.He is quite the expert at pickpocketing which comes in handy.

Being quick and light on his feet,if Tommy does get caught by the royal guards he manages to escape and get away with the stuff he stole.

On the other hand though,Tommy is extremely clumsy and seeks huge amount of admiration in any way.He constantly wants people to refer to him as the best.

And to repeatedly prove himself worthy of that title he picks fights with multiple poeple and always manages to make poeple hate him.He won't say it out loud but he sees the bloody noses and bruises as badges of honor,he's proud of them.

This little troublemaker has only one person he dreams to meet one day,but for now he can only hear stories about him and admire him from afar.And that person is none other than King Blade himself.

Oh what he would give to train with him and show off his badass moves and fighting skills.

Long story short,Tommy doesn't think before he acts and he surprisingly manages to pull off any stupid stunt he plans to do.For Tommy it's kill or be killed.Either you face your fears head on and establish dominance or you act like a coward and run away.And there was no way Tommy ever does the second option even if it gets him into dangerous situations.Tommy is very overprotective over poeple he cares about,his guild is his brotherhood,his family,and he would do anything for them,even going sofar as risking his life.

THIS IS ALL I HAVE FOR NOW-I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE THIS AU BECOUSE I AM ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE AND I CAN'T GET OVER THE FACT THAT MY BRAIN ACTUALLY MANAGED TO WORK PROPERLY AND CREATE SOMETHING USEFUL-Sorry I ramble alot,anyway I am definitely planing on making this a whole ass fanfiction on AO3 so yeah KWKDJWKIS I AM HYPED!!Love u all <3

[letsgrownnhealtogether]

How can we heal from what makes us feel broken? Does this get better? Or is there always a tug at the back of your mind, and rolling of emotions and thoughts... that you just can’t get away from?

Hi love,

I sincerely apologize for such a long delay in response.

I’m sorry to hear you’re dealing with that right now. I can sympathize with you; I know how it feels to be broken, live with it, and wondering if it’ll ever get better. And I know how it feels to heal. 

First I’d like to say: I am so proud of you, and I am so glad you are seeking guidance/help—not everyone will and I am, also, proud of you for that. You’re awesome. 

Yes, it can, and it does, get better. It just may take longer than we think it should—which is important to note: it does not matter the length the healing process is, and it often can take year(s). And that is okay! 

Personally, I believe a huge part in healing is being patient, kind, sensitive, forgiving, realistic, and honest with ourselves. Sometimes we have people in our lives who can support us, guide us, and love us through it; however, we don’t always. Having someone—or multiple people—is definitely helpful and awesome but it is soooo important that we grant ourselves what we need to allow ourselves to heal, which for many, is hard, and requires some time in itself (it took me a long time to learn this). Because if we don’t do that, it won’t matter how many awesome people we have in our lives, we will remain stuck and drown in our pains.

It can help some people to think of their hurts as a part of them but not who they are, and they talk to it like so: “Hey Hurt, how are we today? What do we need to do today to help us heal?” OR “Hey Hurt, why is it that we are hurt?” and then journal. 

Yes, it can seem weird and totally ridiculous, but it can help us recognize, and remember, that we are not in battle against our hurts (or mental illnesses) but in it with them to be a full human in this world that causes those hurts to be with us. 

Often it will feel like there is always that tug because the further we get from it, we can still have moments where it comes back to hit us again, and we think we haven’t healed yet. That is part of the whole healing process. We can go months, even a year, without it affecting us but then something brings it back up to surface and we feel like we haven’t accomplished anything, but that is not the truth. We can have moments of hurting and still be healing at the same time. Then there will be a time, though, where it will no longer hurt us. 

It is so important to acknowledge what we are feeling, be real with it, and nurture each emotion the way it needs to be. Here is a list of ways I know from personal experience helps and others have shared with me helps them: 

-Talk to someone (friend(s), significant other, family, therapist, etc. Talking works, it really does, and I believe it’s incredibly important in the healing process.)

-Journal about it (daily journaling is a great way to reflect back on how far you’ve come, and help you each day get out all those raw emotions.)

-Express them in a way meaningful for you (e.g. I like to write, so I write poems about my feelings, but i know others who create graphic designs, and others paint, or write songs. It is a journey after all and it doesn’t have to be bland the whole way through.) 

-Going to therapy (Always recommended, no matter what!)

-Get it out in a healthy physical way (working out, punching a bag, taking walks; crying, screaming. Traumas, hurts, emotional pains, etc. are remembered in our bodies and sometimes our brains—for survival reasons—represses it, so it can be very good to include healthy physical components to our healing process, along with becoming aware of each hurt & how our bodies react.) 

One personal example: A couple years ago, my best friend decided she didn’t want to be my friend anymore but instead of talking to me, she chose to ghost me—she was the closest person in my life—she knew things about me no one did, etc.—and it just broke me; she never gave a real answer and so reading through the lines I understood it was all my fault (not the truth). I spent hours each day racking my brain for what was toxic about me and where I went wrong. I pulled to surface all my flaws, insecurities, and whatever else as i searched for the answer. In short, it was many months of being stuck in that place of trying to answer my own wonderings, and i was destroying myself in the process; I was even angry at her some days. After that, I decided i needed to be kind to myself and try to grow and heal from it. It was hard. If I ever saw her name anywhere, I would feel anxious or angry. Sometimes I wanted to completely delete her from my life like she did to me. I went through many different emotions through the entire first year. About a year after the initial event, it hit me how I still haven’t fully healed and it made me mad. Then I had a friend tell me that it was okay that i still have those feelings that i do and one day I’ll be healed from it and won’t even realize it at first. And she was right. I am no longer angry towards her; I am no longer crying over it, or journaling about it. I haven’t written a poem about her in a while, and I didn’t realize it right away. It took more than a year, and often times I was mad at myself for being bothered by it so long, but true healing will run a long course and it will be worth it. 

I have no idea what is hurting you right now, and maybe your story is not similar to my one example. Regardless, I believe the basic aspects apply: Length isn’t relevant; it does get better; you’ll fully heal some day; be patient, kind, sensitive, forgiving, realistic, and honest with yourself; you’ll have to work for it but also be gentle and slow with yourself; you deserve to heal; it is always a good day to begin again; relapses happen, it is normal & so okay; you’re not alone, don’t let yourself battle it alone; you’re loved; and you are more than welcome to message me to talk further. 

With much love & support,

~A, from Let’s Grow ‘n’ Heal Together 

[nihilnovisubsole]

i feel like we say this every year now, but wow, 2019 sure was a ride, wasn’t it?

sometimes i worry so much about coming off as negative that i’m not emotionally honest about my personal life. so, as much as i wish i could tell you otherwise, i’m not really ending 2019 on a high note. for several months, i’ve been working on something that’s been a shambling slog of rejection, false hope, and a lot of wasted energy. i’ll survive - i always do - but it’s still been frustrating, and it’s definitely affected my ability to work on my other projects. in fact, i’m not even going to tally up a word count for 2019. i know it’s less than 2018. nothing i can do but do better next time. many of my friends have hit huge, happy personal milestones this year - engagements, big moves, dream jobs, graduate degrees. i’m proud of every one of them, and because i’m so proud of them, i wish i had something of that magnitude to share with them, too.

[again, i say this as a joke, not to be depressing, but you know i’m in a rut because i’ve been drawing more again. when i’m happy, i write. when i write, i’m happy. when i push through my forearm injury to draw, you know there’s something i’m trying to escape from. probably the writing.]

on the other hand, i don’t want to let the gloomy second half of the year cloud the fact that i really, actually, finally, for real put a novel out. i’d built it up in my head for so long, it feels strangely ordinary to have done the one thing i’ve wanted to do since i was eight years old. because i’m... well, me, i have to remind myself that it’s a real achievement, not just the bare minimum to be an accomplished human being. i did it. i wrote it, i designed the cover, i formatted the ebook, i tweeted about it, i saw it through from start to finish and made it real. even if it hasn’t made me an overnight millionaire. even if i didn’t publish it in the way i dreamed of being published in elementary school.

it’s also a sign of how far i’ve come that i see me taking a summer break to dash off a 38,000-word fanfic as a trivial footnote. [and a very well-received one, thank you!] i remember all the afternoons i hunched over my college desk and grit my teeth about only being able to write 200 words a day. i remember how hard i worked to drag myself over the 13,000-word finish line of the fallout big bang. lord knows i remember playing repetitive video games until 4 AM, stewing in the fear that i’d never make it in the only field i want to pursue. nowadays i don’t think, apart from a chosen few, any writer “makes it” the way we think of “making it.” you never get to rest on your laurels. you always have to keep working. it’s why you have to enjoy it. even if i’m not a bestseller, i’m lucky i do.

because it’s 2019, everyone is doing retrospectives on 2009, and it’s weird for me to contemplate even existing in 2009 and 2010. for years, i’ve thought about writing a nonfiction piece about what happened back then, and something always stops me before i get it off the ground. either i cringe at my memories, or i cringe at my nonfiction writing style, or i want to wait until i’ve become some kind of outrageous success so i have something more narratively satisfying to end it with. mostly, i recoil in horror at the idea that, to really write it, i’d have to be completely open about a wretched time in my life. after a decade of facing outward on social media, i’ve become one of those stiff-upper-lip people who is intensely private about the things that actually bother me. you kill a bad thing by acting in public like it never existed. if you write a navel-gazing essay about it, you’ve made it immortal. so maybe i will. maybe i won’t.

in the meantime, i wonder if i can meet myself halfway and learn to talk about my younger self with more neutrality. i’ve spent the decade brutalizing past-me with a spiked baseball bat over my questionable grooming, or my edgy, cynical attitudes, or things i said out of jealousy or ignorant, arrogant meanness that irreversibly damaged friendships with people who didn’t deserve it. bashing your old self’s brain in doesn’t change the choices you made. it just leaves you exhausted and covered in gore and feeling gross. i always said that if i let myself forget how much it hurt, i’d slip up and make the same mistake again. but that’s not true, is it? i think now the real victory would be to let it stay in the past and not feel the obsessive urge to keep scourging myself. to paraphrase a dear friend who i don’t get to talk to enough, “everyone is already cruel to teenage girls. you don’t have to be, too.”

around the time i graduated from college, i had a premonition that it would take about a decade after 2010 to get back on my feet. i couldn’t explain why then, and i can’t now either. it’s just a feeling. by some people’s standards, i may have already done it. by other people’s - like my own - i still have a long, long way to go. which is silly, because i couldn’t even tell you what “getting back on my feet” looks like. i just know that it has been almost ten years, and i have a sense that i’m standing on one of those precipices of change where you've become sick of yourself. i’ve started feeling homesick for places i’ve never been. i’m fidgety about my writing projects. i’m not sure what i want to throw myself into next. i’d love to move to another country, which is surreal and bewildering, since i’ve spent the whole last decade wanting to move back to the home i lost. what can i do with that? i don’t know. i want things so badly, i wear myself out. i’ve always struggled to accept that sometimes you just have to wait and see.

i thought about setting new year’s goals, like “talk more about dangerous crowns,” or “publish a twine game,” or “finish another novel,” or something like that. but to be honest, i already hold myself to such ridiculous standards that pressing the boot on my back even harder feels like a bad idea. maybe 2020 is the year to work harder without trying to prescribe what should come of it. i may not know where i’m going or whether i’m on my way, but at least i know next year, i’ll have something new to report.

[deeneee]

Lost [Leon x Reader] (PART ONE)

Note: here it is. It is a little sad, but not really. RE4 LEON is just about to be introduced! IM EXCITED! This’ll be a two part or more?? I want to write some action but idk. This is turning out more of a story, but oh well 😂 it’s not really a story, but idk. 

Master List

Previous

“I heard you’re getting a partner for your new mission,” you speak, looking over at Leon who’s sitting at his desk. Leon looked up at you and nodded.

“Yes, I’ve met him before, actually. He’s been training with me,” Leon muttered. You looked over Leon’s partners files on your computer screen, narrowing your eyes.

“Hmmm, Jack Krauser. . . ,” you mumbled and looked at his picture, “he look pretty buff.”

“Yeah, I’ve been told that the mission is pretty dangerous, so they paired him with me.” It’s been almost 2 years since Leon joined your office. For the past couple of months, Leon has been going on pretty dangerous missions, but they’ve all been successful. No doubt about it, Leon is very skilled. So far, he is the most reliable and skillful agent in the agency. His physical experience had also changed a little, like his expression. You’ve noticed that after every mission, he seemed to look more dull and serious. His hair became darker and he also became a bit more sarcastic. He’s lost that innocent look to him and if you were to be honest, it was kind of sad to see Leon change like this. Not that it’s his fault, but it hit you that Leon has seen so much that it’s even taken a toll on his physical appearance. The past couple of months had been hectic for the both of you. Unfortunately, you both lost a member. . .Frank. He disappeared on a mission and was found as a monster later on. It was hard to take in, but it had happened and you couldn’t do anything. You and Leon took it hard and mourned for a couple days. You looked over at the empty desk next to Leon, remembering the times when Frank would always scold you. It hurt, but the best thing to do is keep moving forward, and you knew that this is what Frank would want for you and Leon to do. “You okay?” Leon’s gentle voice broke you from your thoughts and you turned you attention to him. His blue eyes held worry and you gave him a small smile.

“Yeah,” you responded, “just reminiscing.”

“If you feel like crying, you can always come to me,” he patted his shoulder, “you can cry here.” You chuckled, feeling a slight burn making its way to your eyes.

“There’s no way I’m going to cry,” your voice cracked in between as tears blurred your vision. Leon’s eyes softened at the sight of you bringing your hands up to cover your eyes. He quickly walked over to your side and grabbed the chair beside you and sat down, scooting close to you. His gruff hands patted your back as you sobbed quietly. One thing Leon realized is that he hated seeing you cry. The best thing to do was to be there for you.

-skip-

Before you knew it, Leon left for his mission, and it was time for your mission. You were sitting in the helicopter, dressed in your usual fighting attire. You’ve never felt so lonely before, and you weren’t sure why. You looked out the window, watching the world from above. It was beautiful, green, and intriguing. How deceiving the world looked from above. It was just you and the pilot in the helicopter, and the sound of the blades slicing the air.

Right when you got back from your mission, you heard so many things about Leon accomplishing his mission. People were calling him a talented agent, and a hero. You weren’t sure of the details, but he had successfully finished his mission. Unfortunately, his partner did not make it, and after hearing this, you hurried to your office, opening the door. Your heart clenched at the sight of Leon sitting in his chair, back hunched, and face covered with his arms. You quietly walked over and sat on Frank’s seat. His shoulders were slightly shaking, and his hands were clenched. “Hey,” you softly spoke, bringing your hands to rub his back. The best thing to do was to be there for him, and you did just that.

A few minutes later, Leon turns his head and looks at you, his head sitting on his arms. His eyes were raw and puffy, streaks of tears dried on his cheek. “Thanks,” He hoarsely said, and then sniffled. A side of Leon that only you have seen, yet a side of him that breaks your heart. You nodded and gave him a little smile. He got up and wrapped his arms around your frame, “At least you’re back safe.” You leaned into him and closed your eyes, wrapping your arms around him. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you, too.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” you whispered, and he squeezed you, “I wouldn’t know what to do if I lost you either, Leon.” Just thinking about it drove you into devastation. Leon has been there for you ever since, and if you were ever to hear such bad news; you’re afraid that you’d go on a rampage. Leon is a great friend— a great person, and he deserved a great life. You pulled away from him and gazed into his beautiful eyes. “Let’s survive this.”

——

Time flew by and before you knew it, it was already the year 2004. Time passed, and you changed. You’ve been told that your smiles weren’t as radiant as before, and that you seemed dull. You didn’t have that glow anymore. You could say it kind of disappeared when you stopped seeing Leon. Work made you both so busy, that you never had the chance to talk or see each other. It had been 3 years since you’ve seen him. A long, cold, dark 3 years. You heard that he recently rescued the presidents daughter, Ashley. Definitely heroic of him. You were proud of him. You’ve thought countless times how you wanted to visit him sometime, but you were too much of a wimp to. You were afraid he maybe disliked you, or worse, had forgotten about you. One thing for sure, you’re glad he’s doing fine and alive.

“Hey, you listening?” your martial arts instructor, Luke, questioned. You shook yourself from your trance and shot him a kick to his side. He stepped back and winced, rubbing his side. “I wasn’t asking for a kick, dude,” he muttered and you stood up straight.

“Sorry about that,” you apologized, sheepish. Luke has been your instructor ever since you got into the agency. You felt like letting off some steam, so you invited him for a spar.

“Anyways, Hunnigan is on her way to talk to you,” Luke said, his brown hair drenched with sweat. You nodded and wiped off your sweat with a towel that lay on a chair, near the mat. The thudding sounds of people being thrown on the floor, and yells was all you heard as you took a swig of your water. “So, what’s been on your mind?” You glanced over at Luke and pressed your lips into a line.

“I thought about ‘him’ again. I just miss him,” you admitted and shrugged.

“Oh, right. Your ‘lover’,” Luke cooed, raising his brow.

“No way,” you interjected, “just a good friend.” Leon’s face flashed in your mind and a small smile made its way to your lips.

“Look at that smile,” Luke pursed his lips and you rolled your eyes and shook your head.

“Leave me alone, Luke.” You could hear the clicks of heels approaching and you turned to the door, only to see Hunnigan walking towards you. Today she wore a striped navy blue suit with black heels. Not a bad look for her. “Hunnigan,” you greeted with a nod and she stood in front of you, smiling softly at you.

“Hey, [Name]. I came to tell you that he’s doing fine.”

“Ooooohhh, so that’s how you know your lover is doing fine,” Luke exclaimed.

“I’m glad,” you breathed a sigh of relief, and Hunnigan smirked.

“So, when should I tell him that I know you?” She questioned, pushing her glasses up.

“Y-you shouldn’t,” you retorted and crossed your arms. Luke and Hunnigan looked at each other and chuckled. “Anyways, my mission is in a few days, got any info for me?”

“Ah, right. A woman named Blair Gage is suspected of producing BOW’s in Alaska. You’re instructed to destroy her lab and bring her back alive,” Hunnigan handed you a folder and you took it, looking through the woman’s profile. She had piercing jade orbs and platinum blonde hair in a pixie cut. She didn’t look that intimidating.

“She’s young,” you muttered, looking at her age. She’s 28, which is the same age as you. What could she be doing with these BOW’s?

“You’ll have a huge surprise during your mission. I hope you enjoy it,” the black haired woman nodded and then walked off. You watched her go and narrowed your eyes, wondering what it could be.

“She probably talking about those BOW’s,” Luke joked and you looked at him, shaking his head.

“That wasn’t a really great joke.”

“Yeah, whatever, I’m leaving.”

——-

Finally, it was the day of the mission. Here you were, once again, on a helicopter by yourself and looking over the landscape. Your ear piece made a sound, until you heard Hunnigan’s voice. “Alright, can you guys hear me?” She questioned, and you furrowed your brows.

“What do you—-“ you paused when you realized someone was talking the same time as you. Someone else is on the line? Who the hell?

“Hunnigan, who’s the other person?” A deep voice asked, and it sounded so unfamiliar.

“No time for questions. You both are almost at your destination. Prepare for landing.”

“Whoever you’re partnering me with, I hope they’re cute,” The man commented and you narrowed your eyes. A partner? This is the surprise? He sounds kind of like a jerk. You turned off your communicator and huffed, looking around.

“Who does this jerk think he is?” You questioned to no one in particular.

——

BEEP!

“Oh, she just hung up,” the man said.

“Well, if you hadn’t said that, she wouldn’t have.”

“I must’ve pushed some kind of button,” he muttered.

“You don’t say?” Hunnigan sarcastically remarked.

“I was also being sarcastic, Hunni—-“

BEEP!

“. . .Alrighty then.”

Next

[hokorii]

Tina Goldstein

Buckle up friends and let me write you an essay on why I find Tina Goldstein so endearing. I know some people are not fond of her, and at face value I can perhaps understand why. But I recently re-watched the first movie, and I wanted to touch on two specific pieces of information that we learn about her that really pull at my heartstrings. One of those things has to do with her clothes, odd I know, but stick with me. Also, just to be clear I’m not attempting to change anyone's mind - just sharing my thoughts. 

First things first, her background: In the first Fantastic Beasts movie, we’re introduced to Tina - an American Auror who has been demoted for seemingly attacking a no-maj. Early in the movie, during the dinner scene, we learn from Queenie that Tina is the “career girl,” indicating to us that her career is very important to her, as we no doubt discover as the movie progresses.  Back to the dinner scene, and more importantly, to the fact that we learn Tina and Queenie are orphans, having lost their parents to Dragon-pox at a young age. This is the most important detail revealed about them because it opens up a world of understanding about these sisters, what their life must have been like growing up, and the adversities they had to overcome. I don’t think I need to go into detail about the devastation and emotional toll caused by losing your parents, especially when you’re a child, I think it’s universally understood. So, just that alone makes you feel for them. Just to think of all of the birthdays they celebrated by themselves, all of the milestones their parents weren’t around to see, all the times they were scared or felt alone in the world and needed the comfort of a caring adult to tell them it would be okay - it is undeniably sad. We also know that Tina is presumed to be the older sister, though I don’t believe we know exactly when Queenie was born, it is implied she is younger, and this is an important piece of information for my personal understanding of Tina. We also don’t really know at what age they were when they lost their parents, but from Tina’s memories in the death chamber, we can see she is young, maybe 8 or 9 - no happy memories are revealed of her and her parents at an age older than that. Obviously, we can’t say for sure they didn’t die while they were teens, but it’s more than likely they died when Tina was in the age range of 9-11, because her happiest memories are from that younger age, and because Queenie says, “when we were kids.” 

So, imagine you’re Tina, you’re maybe 10, your parents die, and suddenly you and your sister are all you have in the world. And as the older sister, she likely feels a sense of responsibility to protect and raise her younger sister. Tina grew up the moment her parents passed away. She could no longer be the smiling, care free child we saw in her memory. And, even though she’s grieving the loss of her parents, just like Queenie, she must push her emotions aside, be strong and figure out how to survive, for the both of them. We learn from interviews that Queenie and Tina “raised each other” telling us that they had no family to take them in. Instead, Tina took on the role of her father, and Queenie of her mother. This makes Tina’s quest to become an Auror and make a career for herself all the more important, because she had no choice. It was their only way out of this desperate situation. They could literally only depend on themselves - no one was coming to save them. 

When Tina went away to school, she likely took that sense of responsibility with her - keeping her head down. We can tell from Tina’s demeanor that she has some self-esteem issues which probably originated in school. Her focus is entirely on her work, on surviving. It’s also clear that she may not feel as pretty as Queenie, but that she compensates with her work, and in school, likely with her studies. She probably didn’t turn a lot of heads the way her sister did, and that’s integral to her character development. I should be clear, that I don’t think Queenie had the easiest time in school either, because her ability to read minds was probably overwhelming as she was growing up. Not to mention, she can hear every awful thought anyone might have about her, whether it’s guys who only see her as a conquest, or girls who are jealous of her appearance - and that has to change you as a person. But I would imagine Queenie was quite popular in school nonetheless. When Tina, Newt and Jacob are walking up the stairs to her apartment she tells her landlord that she’s, “always alone.” I can’t imagine that she was much different as a teen, then she is now as an adult. Tina is more serious than her sister, she is hyper-focused on her job, and having friends, let alone a boyfriend, isn’t something she even allows herself to indulge in. I’m also not saying that Tina isn’t pretty, she’s beautiful, but her looks are not highlighted - the way she feels on the inside is. 

Now, let’s get to the piece of information that really hit me about Tina. Tina’s outfits throughout the movie are clearly not flattering. Her coats are over-sized, her pants are somewhat ill fitting, and her shoes appear to be men’s - this is intentional. In an interview with Katherine Waterston, we find out that Tina’s work clothes are comprised of pieces she pulled from her parent’s wardrobes. Think about that for a second, I’ll wait...

Still nothing? Let me break it down: This young girl, recently graduated, has, after years of struggle, hard work and fierce determination, overcome the odds and landed her dream job as an Auror. She’s elated, but then she realizes she’ll need something more professional to wear to work and she pauses. Having very little in the way of money, and having grown out of most of her adolescent clothes, she realizes she has to use what she already has to cobble together an outfit deemed appropriate for the job and the office. So, she hesitantly pulls out the chest they keep their parents things in, the only things they have to remember them by, dusts it off and opens it. I would imagine just this act is very painful for her. The memory of her parents comes flooding back, as she runs her hands over the fabric, carefully handling each piece. This should be a time of celebration because her parents would be so proud of what she’s accomplished, but they’re not there to calm her nerves or to give her customary words of encouragement on her first day. Instead, she pulls out her father’s shoes, and his pants (because she’s as tall as he was) and her mother’s blouse and she and Queenie work to make them fit. However, they’re not as good at sewing yet, so what we see Tina wearing is the best they could do. When she goes to work for the first time, maybe she’s a little embarrassed because everyone around her has newer, more tailored clothes. They look more professional. But, she doesn’t let it bother her because she feels as sense of security having a piece of them with her. Heartbreaking. This sweet little girl is reminded of her loss at every turn, but she still pushes forward because that’s the only thing she knows to do, and she doesn’t want to let them, or Queenie down. She’s proud of what she’s accomplished, but she doesn’t flaunt it. It’s Queenie, always supportive of her sister, who beams about her and her career to Jacob and Newt - not Tina. Tina is shy and reserved outside of her work. How can you not want to hug her after hearing all that? Just the image of young Tina pulling herself together to try and make the best of what she has of her parent’s things is burned into my brain. 

So, when she loses that job it is all the more devastating. Especially because she loses it trying to protect someone who couldn’t protect themselves. I would imagine she saw a lot of herself or perhaps Queenie in Credence, both being orphans. She wanted to protect him, but for all her efforts she lost the one thing she had worked so hard for. So, when she sees a man, Newt, whom by the way Katherine confirms Tina was already attracted to in the bank, flagrantly breaking a handful of laws, she pushes aside any feelings of attraction she might have, and does what she believes is the right thing. She may have been demoted, and she’s under no obligation to care at this point, but she can’t turn her sense of right and wrong off. Once again, she cannot allow herself the indulgence.  

Fast-forward through their adventure, to the death chamber. A horrific experience for both Newt and Tina. (Sidebar - how twisted this method of killing is, sheesh.) Here Tina unintentionally reveals (or is forced to) more about herself than she has to anyone else other than Queenie, via her memories. This is a traumatic, but bonding experience. Those memories give Newt a deeper understanding of her and when he saves her in that death chamber it is likely the first time in her life that someone has come to her rescue since her parents died. That is huge. They spend the rest of the movie working together, and at the end they’re both reluctant to part because they’ve found someone who, for once, really “sees” them. Tina is, for the first time, hopeful that perhaps she can allow herself the indulgence. That perhaps she can be wanted, and that someone could return her affections. 

That is why, for me, it will be all the sweeter when they realize that their feelings for each other are reciprocated. Here are two people who haven’t had the easiest time in life, finding each other, and falling for each other despite what others see as flaws. Newt will be just as thunderstruck that she loves him, as she will be that he loves her. It’s also understandable that once Tina allows herself to feel for Newt, it is all the more hurtful when there is a miscommunication and she thinks she may have been mistaken in CoG. But, I am confident they’ll work through it, and I’m so excited to watch them grow closer. I can’t think of two more deserving characters to find their soulmate in each other. 

Did you get to the end? High-five! 

[mikeconphoto]

"FIT FEATURE: ALLYSON FRANCO" #WEARORANGE -BY MIKECON PHOTOGRAPHY

This is dedicated to Evan, all of the survivors and the victims of senseless gun violence.

I’ve been meaning to write this blog for a while about this phenomenal athlete, wife and mother named Allyson Franco. With current events in play, I figured that today’s that day. Before I share the interview with Allyson, let me tell you a bit about her.

Allyson and I met in 2016 at a gym in Castle Rock, Colorado. She was working there as a Personal Trainer, and I hired her to help me get back into better shape. As she trained me, we began to talk and get to know one another, and eventually became really great friends. Coincidentally, we’re both from Georgia, close in age, and appreciate family, food, and running. After some major convincing between myself and her husband we FINALLY got her to do a photo shoot with me. Allyson is a natural in front of the camera!! Not once did she ever tense up, or give up on the all day marathon shoot we did.

On May 7th 2019, the Highlands Ranch, Colorado community was forever changed when a shooting occurred at the Highlands Rance STEM School. There were 8 students hurt and 1 was killed. For me this hit pretty personal because Allyson’s one and only son is currently a student there. Living here in Germany, I rarely see the news going on in the U.S., however Allyson made this post on social media that she shared with me, and has allowed me to share with you all:

“I rarely post very personal things on Facebook, but what happened today is bigger than just my family unit. There was a shooting at Evan’s school today, STEM. He was in the classroom next door to where one of the shooters opened fired. At least 3 bullets came through the wall into his room and one grazed a boy in his class on the leg. His soccer coach was the teacher leading class at that time. One of his teammates was actually in the room where it happened (his teammate is physically ok). He knew the student that did not survive his injuries and, though not very well, he knew the 18 yr old shooter. This is a small school, everybody knows everybody on some level. Our son heard and saw things today that nobody should ever be exposed to, least of all someone his age whose biggest concern should be his upcoming game and what he’s going to do on Friday night. He heard all of the gunshots that happened in that room. He heard a student yell “He has a gun!” He heard the confrontation that happened between a shooter and an officer. He heard the confrontation stop after more gunfire. He helped gather his classmates into the area where they were supposed to be during a lockdown, including collecting two classmates who were hiding together in a deemed unsafe spot, which left him positioned on the floor in the middle of the room instead of up against the wall where, he was supposed to be because he was one of the last two people to take cover. He saw blood pools on the floor and blood on the wall as he was evacuated from the school by armed officers. To the depths of my soul I mourn what happened today. I mourn the loss of life, I mourn for those that suffered injuries, I mourn the lives of the shooters and I mourn for their parents, and I mourn for the rest of these kids that should never have been exposed to everything that happened today. I am immensely proud of how our son handled himself today. Yet I am devastated at his loss of innocence. I am an adult, yet I am unsure of how to deal with the feelings I have. How do we as parents help our kids through this who, at this age, struggle with simply processing their regular daily emotional load? 

I worry every time this boy gets in his car and leaves my sight. So much so that I make fun of myself in my head for being such a ‘mom’. Every fear came to life today when I got the text that said “don’t call me because my phone can’t ring...there is an active shooter...which is where I am...” I’m surely going to freak the eff out when he leaves home now. 

I’m not looking to be political. That’s not what this post is about. I’m heartbroken. So many children are hurting. I cannot thank God enough for the moment when I was able to hug my son after hours of  standing in a gymnasium with hundreds of other scared parents. Honestly, I don’t really know why I’m posting this other than I need a place to ‘put’ what I’m feeling (imagine how all of these students feel). And that feelings about what happened today should not be kept inside. 

Hug your kids for me. I love them all. “

As a Marine that has experience in combat zones I hate the fact that this happened to these kids, or anyone that has had to deal with this when they’re supposed to be safe on our own soil. I’m not here to politicize this, however I will bring awareness to this as the rest of the world has by wearing orange today to honor gun violence victims and survivors. Now, here’s more about Allyson. #wearorange

Describe your life before you started training. I grew up being uncomfortable in my skin. I was always the “skinny girl”. In fact, the mom of my best friend while I was growing up used to say I looked like a “refugee from Guam”. She didn’t mean any harm behind it, she loved me almost like a daughter, but it still stung and it definitely stuck. I spent some time trying out different types of dancing in my youth, and while I enjoyed it, it wasn’t my “thing” so I didn’t stay with it as I got older. I spent my high school years trying to come to terms with myself as a whole, just like everybody else did. I feel like I didn’t really start coming into my own until after I graduated. I’d have to say that the best I’ve ever felt about myself was in my early to mid twenties. Whether it’s related or not, that’s when I began to dabble in the gym. My then fiancée and I joined Lifetime Fitness and started working out to get ready for our wedding. I wasn’t nearly at the level physically that I’ve since become, and there have been many evolutions in my fitness journey since then, but after I started that one gym membership, I haven’t stopped.

How different do you feel now compared to then? Night and day. But sprinklings of that very insecure girl still show up more often than I’d like. There are moments when being a 45 year old, pre-menopausal mom and wife catch up with me. But my time that I spend training is what helps to keep those demons at bay. I’ve learned to appreciate my strength and the feats my body has been able to accomplish over the years.

Was there is pivotal moment that motivated you to start training? If so, what was it? Not really. At the time, John and I joined a gym in preparation for our upcoming wedding. It just seemed like the thing to do. We didn’t realize that we had begun what was to become one of the biggest parts of our daily lives.

Do you remember your first training session? How different is your training today? I remember when I first joined a gym after having my son. That was more significant to me than my first time ever training in a gym was. I was a new mom and needed to get out of the house and find a community. I found it when I came back to the gym. (I’d had to give up the gym during my pregnancy due to complications.)

What has been the most rewarding aspect of training for you? Why? By far, my sense of self. I feel more confident and secure in my station when I have my outlet. I am a better wife and mother when I’m able to get my training in. My personal fitness evolution also lead me to becoming a personal trainer, which became my career passion the minute I started.

What has continued to motivate you throughout your training? Why? Setting a good example for my son is a huge motivation. I want to show him that just because we have to age, it doesn’t mean we have to get old. And also to show him that taking care of yourself is a foundation to leading a good life. Training is also my outlet. I’m a better version of myself when my training is on point. My family and my clients deserve my best.

What are your qualifications - why did you set out to achieve these? Professionally, my personal training certifications are through NASM - National Academy of Sports Medicine. I have my Certified Personal Trainer certification, Corrective Exercise Specialist certification, Fitness Nutrition Specialist certification, Weight Loss Specialist certification, Women’s Fitness Specialist certification, and Youth Exercise Specialist certification. NASM is one of the most highly regarded institutions from which to become certified. I figured that I’d be wasting my time, and my clients’ time, if I didn’t set high standards for myself from the beginning. Each new certification I acquire makes me a more effective and  well rounded personal trainer. My clients deserve my best effort, and that includes not only my attitude, but also my knowledge. Beyond my professional certifications, I try to practice what I preach. I have tried to be accomplished both professionally and personally. I have finished multiple 30 hour adventure races, completed multiple marathons, completed a 50k ultramarathon, finished two 70.3 distance triathlons, and also crossed the finish line at the inaugural Chattanooga Ironman 140.6 triathlon.

What have you had to overcome to get to where you are today? Did that change you in any way? If so, describe how. I’ve been blessed that my road to becoming a personal trainer has been a fairly smooth one. My husband has supported me 100% since day 1, and he’s my biggest fan. He has trained along my side and in many of my personal endeavors too. We trained together and held hands as we both crossed the finish line in the Chattanooga Ironman. My son has also been consistently positive about everything I’ve done. My support system is strong.

What is the number one lesson you have learned about health and fitness through your training? Sustainability is key. Each person has to find a nutrition and training regimen that they can stick with long term. Health and fitness should be a lifelong endeavor.

What do you wish you had known when you were 16? That great things happen when I push myself outside of my comfort zone, both mentally and physically.

Describe how training makes you feel. Strong. Capable. Beautiful. Centered.

Do you have a quote that you live by? If so, why this one? “If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you.” We all can become complacent in a blink if we aren’t paying attention. This applies to all areas of life - physical,  mental, social, professional....Nothing progresses if we are stagnant and comfortable.

What was your reason for taking health and fitness to the level you have? Why is it so important to you? It’s been an evolution for me. As I gained more confidence in what my body could do, I kept pushing my limits. Every time I completed a race, even though I was beat down and exhausted, I felt strong and accomplished. I also want to be strong and healthy for my family. I try to lead by example so they will be encouraged to be strong and healthy as well.

What advice would you give to women wanting to get into the best shape of their life? Don’t get discouraged. No one thing works for every person. Don’t be afraid to try different avenues of exercise.

What is the most important thing women need to remember when training? Why?   That it’s ok to take that time for yourself. We tend to feel that by doing something that seems like it is for us alone, we are taking away from the people that we love. That’s not the case. The truth is, this small amount of time that we take, makes us better for the people that count on us.

We all have days where motivation is low – how do you overcome these? Have you always been able to do this? I am a “doer.” I’m very task oriented. If something needs to be done, and I’m the one that is supposed to do it, I complete the task regardless of how I feel about doing it. The same principle applies for me with regard to my training. If it’s on the schedule for the day, I do it. That said, there are occasional days where I might be particularly low energy or run down. Perhaps those will turn into unscheduled rest days. I’m trying to listen to my body more. I was not very good at doing so a few years ago. My last line of defense, though, is my husband. If I’m really failing to get myself moving, he’s very good about stepping in. He’s been known to create a butt-kicking workout for me so that I don’t  have to think about it. I just show up.

Do you enjoy training alone or with a partner? Why? Really, it depends on the day and what I’m doing. There is something great about being in my fitness studio alone, my music turned up loud, and doing my thing. But I also have fun when my friend comes to join me and we help push each other. I love the times when my husband and I can get in the gym together too. My son will come workout with me sometimes as well, especially during summer vacation. Those are great opportunities for us to spend time together.

What would you like to see change in the health and fitness industry? I’d like to see some regulation on vitamins, proteins, and supplements. So many people think that all supplements are created equal. They’re under the impression that these products are all safe because they’re sold over the counter. That’s not true and it makes it difficult for the average person to make informed decisions about what they are putting in their bodies.

What would a perfect Sunday involve for you? A perfect Sunday would come at the end of a successful training week. There would be snow on the ground, I’d sleep in with my husband, stay in sweats all day, there would be a big pot of homemade spaghetti gravy on the stove, and I’d finish off my evening with a couple of glasses of red wine.

Contest history - do you have a highlight? Why? I’ve completed multiple 30-hour adventure races, several marathons, a 50k ultra marathon, two 70.3 distance Ironman Triathlons, and the Inaugural Chattanooga 140.6 Ironman Triathlon. The highlight would have to be the Chattanooga Ironman. My training had been sidelined by a few unexpected surgeries I’d had at the beginning of that year. I had come to terms with not being able to participate in this race that coming September as I hadn’t been able to train at all for the first 6 months of the year. But at the last minute, I decided to go for it. I trained hard for two months and, while my time wasn’t as good as it would have been if I’d been able to train properly, I crossed the finish line next to my husband. Running down that finisher’s chute was one of the highlights of my entire life.

Diet/Workout week:

[Please outline a typical day’s meals and your workout]

Monday

Breakfast - Isagenix IsaLean Strawberry shake, coffee

Snack - small handful of raw almonds and an apple

Later lunch/ post workout - 2 Mediterranean grilled chicken skewers, 2 tbsp hummus, cucumber slices

Dinner - roasted chicken, roasted red potatoes, and a salad

Tuesday

Breakfast - Isa shake, coffee

Snack - 2 slices sharp cheddar cheese and an apple

Later lunch / post workout - Just Shredded Chicken from Sprouts, 2 tbsp Frank’s Red Hot wing sauce, and baby carrots

Dinner - baked salmon, brown rice pilaf (made from scratch), steamed asparagus

Wednesday

Breakfast - Isa shake, coffee

Snack - beef jerky

Late lunch / post workout - one of the two lunches described above

Dinner - chicken stir fry with carrots, baby bok choy, and bell peppers, served over brown rice

Thursday

Breakfast - same

Snack - same

Lunch / post workout - same

Dinner - baked chicken breasts, roasted potatoes, baked Parmesan squash and zucchini “chips” (dipped in Greek yogurt ranch dressing)

Friday

Brakfast - same

Snack - same

Lunch / post workout - same

Dinner - chicken tinga tacos from Yolanda’s

Saturday

Breakfast - avocado toast on Ezekiel bread with 2 eggs and a sliced tomato, coffee

Lunch - 5 marinated mozzarella balls and a chopped tomato with a drizzle of balsamic vinegar

Snack - almonds or beef jerky and an apple

Dinner - sweet and spicy honey-sriracha chicken thighs with honey-soy glazed carrots served over brown rice

Sunday

Breakfast - scrambled eggs (made by my husband), Ezekiel toast, coffee

Lunch - turkey and cheddar flat sandwich from Pot Belly with all the toppings except mayo and oil

Dinner - either some form of leftovers from previous dinners, or homemade spaghetti gravy over whole wheat pasta

QUICK QUESTIONS:

Describe yourself in three words. Stubborn, dependable, feisty (Editor’s note: Allyson is half Italian and Puerto Rican, so those three words might make better sense!)

What is your favorite food to indulge on? How often do you treat yourself? I love cheese! I don’t think I’ve ever met a cheese that I didn’t like. I don’t eat it as often as I’d like. Maybe once a month I’ll put together a big tray of cheese and charcuterie and my husband and I will have that for dinner with a couple of glasses of wine.

What is your favorite non-cheat food? Tomatoes. I’ve had an obsession with them the last few months.

What is your favorite home-cooked meal? Who cooks it? Homemade spaghetti gravy with handmade ravioli. We make the ravioli by hand as a family, but I make the gravy. This is what we have for Christmas dinner every year.

What are the staples in your fridge? Just shredded chicken from Sprouts, sliced cucumbers, romaine letuce, we always have lots of veggies, Perfect Bars, Organic Valley 2% milk, Silk soy creamer, eggs.

What is your favorite body part to train? Why? Legs, because I’ve always felt that they require the most work for me. If I’m not training them hard, then they become too skinny.

What is your least favorite body part to train? Why? Chest, because I hate push-ups.

Do you prefer to train outdoors or indoors? Why? Indoors, but my training studio is in my garage so I love to have the big bay door open. I get the best of both worlds that way.

Describe the atmosphere in your favorite place to train – what can you see/feel/hear etc.? The lights are low and the rock music is loud. The vibe is strong and positive. I must have some personal space too, and be able to see outside.

Do you prefer cardio or weights? Why? I used to be a cardio junkie. I’m not like that now though, At this point, I’d have to say that I prefer weight training. I think I burned myself out running 10 miles a day, several days a week for such a long period of time. I just don’t have it in me to do that anymore. I also discovered that I prefer the way my body looks when I’m doing more lifting and HIIT training than the way it looked when I was running so much.

Do you have a favorite book? Why this one? ‘The Outlander’ series by Diana Gabaldon, because I’m a sucker for a good romance and strong lead characters.

What is your favorite feature? Why? My skin. I try very hard to take good care of it and keep it healthy and youthful looking. I was blessed with good genes. My mother and my grandmother both have beautiful skin. I have big shoes to fill in that regard.

Name five (5) things you can't live without. Other than my guys (John & Evan)? Blue jeans, boots, wine, my pets, and my workouts.

Name three (3) things most people don’t know about you. I don’t like crowds, I sang in the chorus in high school, and I love to cook.

What is on your bedside table? Water, hand lotion, Burt’s Bees lip treatment, 2 pictures of my son as a baby, and a lamp.

What is your best beauty secret? Eye cream! I’ve been using it since I was in my 20s. And serious sunscreen on my face.

Who inspires you? Why? My son. He exudes a quiet, but fierce confidence that I wish I’d had at his age. Or that I wish I had even now! The intelligence and maturity that he possesses is inspiring to watch grow.

Who is your fitness and body role model? Why? I can’t actually say that I have one. I just try to be the best version of myself that I can put out there. I spent too many years dangerously comparing myself to other people out there. I try not to do that anymore.

What do you have in store for the future? What do you want to improve on? Looking towards the future I’ll be focusing on expanding my business model and figuring out how to do that while not falling short on the daily running my household. I want to improve upon my ability to do both.

I'm currently preparing for: Nothing physical. I am working on building my brand professionally, while keeping my own training consistent.

Website? www.afitlifeforyou.com

[mechanicalfrankenstein]

Sitting in the hospital connected to a bunch of wires and tubes is not the most fun thing, to say the least. It didn't help that Vic lost a lot of her memories, surrounded by people that claimed she knew them, and her English was still not the best. The doctor said that she should be free to go in a few days but they wouldn't go by fast enough. Veronica had her baby yesterday, Tobias was premature but he should live. There's nothing weird about that but Vic felt off like she had heard the story before but she couldn't place where from. Vic and Veronica obviously had a strong relationship, or else she wouldn't have gotten Veronica the trunk. It's always been a tradition in the Frank family that whenever a baby is born, the parents or parent give the baby a trunk to hold special Keepsake pictures letters and things that mean something. Sometimes there's a letter to the baby and some other gifts too. Vic saw that Nick brought two extra trunks, Which she guessed where her and her mom's. Just because Vick lost her memories, it doesn't mean she lost her ambition as well. She carefully took out the needle from the IV and went to go find you where Veronica was staying. She crept into the room and saw that Veronica stepped out for a bit. Vic quickly spotted what she was looking for and ran over to the trunks. With careful hands, she opened up the first trunk On the inside there was an engraving that reads: “Property of Adeline Frank.” Big softly ran her fingers over the words that were engraved, took a deep breath, and looked at what was inside. On top there was an envelope, it looked old but Not old enough to go in a museum, it was wrinkled as if it had been opened a thousand times before. they turned it over and on the front written in careful script was: “To My Beautiful Victory” For Split Second she swore that she heard a crack of thunder and heavy raindrops beating down on the roof but then all was quiet. She slowly opened the letter and muttered as she read.

“Dear Baby,

It’s me, your mom. So it turns out you are on the way. I don’t know how I’m going to tell your father but I know it is gonna be ok. I’m about seven months along and the only reason he doesn’t know is that he is...not the best person in the world. I have no idea what I’m doing, I read every book and article that I could find but I still don’t know. I do know I love you so much already but right now everything just seems so scary and confusing all I can think about is how much my life would be different if you weren’t on the way. I hope you don’t hate me for thinking how things would be different. I just graduated from college and your father is a wealthy businessman. He used to want to dream but know he is just cold. I’m working in the bookshop an old neighbor of mine owns while freelance journaling. She said she remembered me growing up and that I would be a great mother but who knows if she is right. I was reading through some of the old pieces that I wrote for college and I realized how much I have changed since then. It has been a long journey with you so far, that’s for sure, but I know it will be all worth it. I don’t care anymore about what Thomas thinks, to me you are my biggest victory in life. There are some complications with everything and I found out today that it’s a possibility that I could lose you, and I might meet you today, but there is only a 50% of that. I hope I can see you soon. With everything that is happening I just have this feeling that this time I will be victorious. I guess you are my own little victory. With Love, Adeline Frank, Your Mother”

There was another letter inside the envelope and Vic carefully opened it. The second her eyes darted across the first line some of her memory flooding in as she quietly read it aloud to her self

“My dearest Vic, I remember writing my first letter to you and hoping that I could read it with you when you were old enough but sometimes life doesn’t work out the way you want it to, sometimes life screws you over. You and I both know that I am not going to make it even if we don’t want to admit it. You remind me so much of myself, but you are so much better. I still can’t believe you are just as stubborn as I am. I didn’t think it was possible but it turns out it is. Every time I look at you I see the passion in your eyes and I think to myself. ‘You see that kid Adeline, you made that beautiful smart girl and she is going to be great.’ I’m sorry I have to leave so soon. I’m sorry I don’t get to watch you win the Nobel prize for inventing and all of the accomplishments that you will receive. I remember when you were six and you brought me a fully functioning circuit board that you made all by yourself and I thought you were the smartest little girl in the world and I still think you are. You are only eight years old but I can already see you starting to become a beautiful woman. I look back at these eight years and I wouldn’t change anything. It’s about midnight now and you are fast asleep in the chair next to my hospital bed. You’ve always been so strong and I hope that this won’t break you because I know having to leave you is breaking me. Now the more logistical stuff. I know your father and I know that he can’t raise a child or feel empathy sometimes. If anything ever goes wrong I want you to go to call the number 555-434-7809. It’s the number of my best friend Sylvie Davenport. I have known her for as long as I can remember and I know she will take care of you like you were her own child. Now, Victorie Natalia Frank I know your name is long winded but I named you because you surviving is such a huge victory. You are such an amazing girl and I know you will claim many more victories throughout your life even if I am not there to see them. I know you have the perseverance and stubbornness to cross any boundaries that others place and that you will achieve so many great things.  I am so proud of you and I love you more than I can even fathom. I can’t wait to see you what you will do. Love, Mom”

After reading she remembered the night that she ran away. She remembered Thomas barging in and yelling at her. She remembered him forcing her to clean out her mom's old room. She Remembered reading the first and last letters her mom wrote her. She remembered riding her bike in the storm and the tree falling on her leg. She remembered limping all the way over to the house of Sylvie Davenport her mom's best friend. She remembered feeling safe for the first time in a while.

Vic started to sob for the loss of her and how much It all still hurts her. Vic then heard someone coming and looked back at the door

// @veronica-the-verbid @thechaos-thatkilled-thedinosaurs @chillax-uknowuloveme @damianisqueerandhere @rose-no-thorns and anyone who is either visiting ronnie or vic also im sorry

[tonystarktogo]

Secret Santa Gift Fic III

This is @thevanishedillusion‘s secret santa gift. You gave a very detailed prompt and I’m afraid this isn’t exactly what you asked for. Once I started, the character developed on its own. But I still tried to stay close to the initial premise and I hope you’ll like it anyways! Have fun and merry Christmas! :)

Fair warning: this is only the second time in my entire life that I write in second person. I did my best but it’s still a perspective I’m unfamiliar with. Also this fic contains references to character death, mental health issues, trauma and PTSD (all in references to events happening in Iron Man 1). The prompt is at the end of the fic. 

“I love you. Isn’t that just the saddest thing?”  –Quote from Elementary, S03E12

Unrequited love sucks. It sounds like a no-brainer. Something so obvious it should slap you in the face the first time it comes up in casual conversation—but it doesn’t. And sure, on an intellectual level, you’ve always known it. You’ve understood that the ‘unrequited’ is just a shorter way to say ‘no happy ending available’. You’re aware it means someone doesn’t get what they so desperately want, whom they so desperately want. But that doesn’t mean you’ve been prepared for the reality of it.

The truth is, it doesn’t just suck. It’s a bit like a sucker punch every time you see them smile—even, especially, when that smile is for someone other than you. It’s like slapping yourself over the back of the head over and over again, yet still misspelling that one word when the time for the spelling bee comes. In your case, that word was ‘misanthrope’. You always forgot the ‘h’, no matter how often your mom reminded you. No matter how often your best friend helped you practice, despite how much he hated sitting still and waiting for you to remember all the letters.

You still got it wrong when it mattered. You still didn’t duck fast enough to avoid that damn bullet that got you discharged from the closest thing you had to a home for good. And you still didn’t get the guy at the end of the story.

It sounds like the start of a Bridget Jones movie—or at least you hope so, because if your prince charming isn’t waiting right around the corner, your memoirs will make for one heck of a depressing story.

And, wow, talk about throwing yourself a pity party.

[continues under the cut]

Another truth—one you don’t care to acknowledge too often lately—is that life isn’t as bad as you make it out to be. Sure, you almost died in a bloody—in every sense of the word—terrorist attack a couple of months ago. And yeah, the first months after said attack made you wish you hadn’t made it.

But you’ve gotten past that now. For the most part. You’ve built yourself a new life, a civilian life—and who’d have thought you were capable of adjusting to it so fast, certainly not you—and it’s not what you’re accustomed to, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

You’ve got a real home now. A small flat, three rooms only, which drives your best friend up the wall every time he visits, but it’s all the space you need. Tony, of course, isn’t too happy with that explanation. He’s still pushing you, as much as he dares to anyways, to move into his tower—but so far you’ve held your own. Decades of prolonged exposure are probably the only reason you’ve managed to accomplish that particular feat. That and the trauma that you’re half-ashamed to admit you’ve used as an excuse more than once.

It’s what you need though. Your own space, away from Tony Stark and his larger than life personality, away from the papers and reporters, away from JARVIS’ all-seeing eyes, away from his beautiful assistant slash girlfriend.

Jesus, you’re starting to sound like a scorned ex again, you realise, and force yourself to push those bitter thoughts away. It’s not fair to Pepper Potts, the woman who’s managed to capture Tony’s heart after all these years. Nor is it fair to Tony himself, for that matter.

It’s not like you’ve ever had any sort of claim on him. And Tony never promised you anything, never tried to initiate something that went beyond the friendship you’ve both worked so hard to hold on to. In some ways, that actually makes it worse. Because you have no right to feel like you’ve been cast away—not when Tony keeps inviting you over for dinner like clock-work every week, not when Pepper always greets you with an honest smile, not when there’s been a floor with your name on it in Tony’s tower since long before he’s started to build it—you know that.

Tony hasn’t abandoned you. He hasn’t thrown nearly three decades of friendship away because of a woman, even one as brilliant as Pepper. That’s not the kind of man he is.

Unfortunately, none of those nice, rational facts change how you feel.

And that’s not even starting on the stomach-clenching sensation you feel every time you watch those small, but oh-so-telling affectionate gestures between them. The ones that tell you more than words ever could that Tony and Pepper aren’t eccentric boss and exasperated assistant any longer. They’re a real life, official couple.

As his best friend, you should be happy for Tony. For the happiness in his eyes, the way they glimmer when he looks at her. The fact that you can’t manage more than a tense, half-hearted smile makes you feel like the lowest scum on earth, which is why you spend a lot of time decidedly not thinking about it at all.

Sadly, avoidance only gets you so far in life. And when someone like Tony Stark is involved, that ‘so far’ isn’t very far at all. You love that dork to death, but if there is one thing Tony can’t do, it’s to let things go. He always has to pick and pick at them, until you get annoyed and lash out. Something that’s been happening more and more often lately.

It would be wrong to say that your friendship with Tony has started to fall apart ever since he confessed to being in love with Pepper. You like to think you’re not that petty, though as things currently stand you’ll never know.

Right now it’s not Pepper, who’s standing between you and Tony—or at least she isn’t the only one. There’s a whole immeasurably huge black hole titled ‘Afghanistan’ as well. And unlike Pepper, it’s not something you can throw a quick smile and apologetic last-minute cancellation at.

Afghanistan compiles all of your worst nightmares, your greatest terrors, your most horrible memories into one single word. As though anything human languages have created could adequately express what happened. What you lost. What you survived.

You’ve never talked about it, never even acknowledged it. There hasn’t been any time. Ever since Tony blew up the terrorists that held him hostage—and it should make you proud, relieved at the very least, that your civilian friend with no training managed such a feat, but all it really does is remind you that all the trained soldiers, that you, didn’t—life has been a whirlwind that shows no signs of slowing down.

But for you the world stopped turning four months ago. You lost your entire unit four months ago. You went to sleep every night with your best friend’s screams ringing in your ears for months every night since.

Of course the second Tony set foot on American soil again, he did what he’s always done: he evolved. He’s turned his company around, he’s asked Pepper out, he’s turned himself into a freaking superhero. He fought for his life on the rooftops of New York while you were trying to make it through a night without waking up shaking and screaming.

Somehow Tony has taken the trauma of those three months and compressed them into something that drives him forward—and you hate him for it, just a little, as much as you’re trying not to, because all you seem to be able to do is slow down.

Tony tries to help you, it’s not like he’s blind to your issues. Not like you could keep it from him either. But this—in this he can’t help you. You can’t let him. It’s ironic in a way: Tony is the only other survivor, the only one who was there when your world blew up around you. He was there, he’s the one best equipped to understand what you’re going through. And instead of helping you, instead of making things easier, it makes everything so much worse.

It’s why you’re here now. Standing in front of a bright building, just twenty minutes away from your home, unable to bring yourself to enter, yet unable to walk away.

Well, technically it’s Pepper’s fault—another thing you try very hard not to be bitter about. Because Pepper is smart, yes, but she’s also attentive in a way Tony has never had the patience to be, and it scares you sometimes. The way she looks at you, like she understands. Like she knows.

You met her for coffee three days ago, after months of avoiding her. Her words, pointed but gentle, like the warmth in her eyes could soothe the sting, have been haunting you ever since.

Tony is your friend, nothing will ever change that. But he can’t be your therapist. He can’t heal you, much as it pains him, and it’s not fair of you to expect him to.

You’d snapped at her, affronted, embarrassed or maybe just plain furious, and Pepper had apologised—I’m sorry, it wasn’t my place—but she never took those words back. You don’t think she could have, even if she wanted to.

The worst part, that’s about the only thing you’re currently sure of, is that she might just be right. Pepper has an annoying habit of doing that. Of getting under your skin, cutting straight through your bullshit to the heart of the matter. It’s moments like these when you realise what Tony sees in her.

And it’s because of that nagging fear, that worry Pepper has awoken in you, that you’re here now, trying to work up the courage to enter the ordinary, unthreatening looking office building. Half the time you’re convinced that this is a stupid, pointless endeavour, but even if a session with one of New York’s leading trauma therapists isn’t going to change your world—an outside view might help you get some perspective on the mess your life has turned into. Might help you sleep through the night without second-guessing your entire relationship with Tony, at least.

It still takes you another week to work up the courage and actually schedule an appointment.

*

The first time you met Tony, you were six and he was seven and the two of you were at a charity gala of some sort, bored out of your minds. You got into an argument that devolved into a hair-pulling fight, because you were taller than him and therefore insisted on calling him a baby. After your parents separated you—and you got a scolding that made you cry, you still remember that one—Tony defended you and you’d been inseparable ever since.

Sure, eventually you were forced apart by the realities of the different lives you lived. Tony joined SI straight out of college, as was expected, and he loved it like you knew he would. You, on the other hand, went against expectations and joined the military. But even though you spent less time together, the two of you remained close friends.

Looking back you can’t even tell when exactly your feelings for Tony changed. It wasn’t love at first sight or any of those other ridiculously romantic notions though, that’s for sure. You don’t think there is a precise moment where it happened either. More of a gradual process maybe. Tony has been your closest confidant for so many years that you haven’t been able to imagine a life without him in a long time—yet, thanks in no small parts to your career choice, a serious relationship has never been an option you’ve considered.

You’re honest enough with yourself to acknowledge that you only admitted to yourself how you truly feel after Tony became unavailable. Maybe you’re just that much of a selfish bitch—or maybe it was yet another attempt to sabotage the most meaningful relationship you have left.

That’s one of the questions that pains you the most. And it’s also one Meredith—your counsellor—has been unable to answer for you. You can almost hear her amused laugh at that thought. ‘I can’t give you any answers. The best I can do is help you discover them for yourself,’ is what she would probably say if she could hear you right now—and you don’t know whether it’s a good thing or not that you know that.

You don’t know a lot of things, these days.

*

The sessions help. It doesn’t feel that way at first—still doesn’t, on your off-days. In the beginning, you barely had anything to say to Meredith. Everything just seemed—too much, too big to be put into words. But it’s getting easier—not easy, mind you, you doubt it ever will be—to talk now. Even though you sometimes describe the same event four times. It gets easier to find the words, to put them to use. To work through what happened and how you feel about it.

It’s not always a flattering realisation, and certainly there are thoughts that have never made it past your lips, have never left the privacy of your own mind. But there are things you can share, and those lose some of their weight over time. A progress so slow you don’t notice it until three months have passed and the dinner invitation Tony sends you no longer invokes that crushing sense of despair-disgust-hate-want-confusion-fear it used to.

You still decline but you’re working on not hating yourself for it. ‘Your recovery comes first,’ you repeat to yourself, words Meredith uses all the time. ‘Take whatever measures you need to feel safe and comfortable.’ They used to be nothing but a string of meaningless words, but lately you’ve found yourself clinging to them, seeking comfort in them.

Lately you’ve forced yourself to admit that for all that you love Tony, for all that he means the world to you—whenever you look at him, gun fire is tearing your eardrums apart, and whenever he smiles, you feel that terrible mixture of resentment-self-disgust-affection cracking you open from the inside out.

You love Tony. Maybe you always have. But right now, you need him out of your life. Right now, all he does—if unknowingly and unintentionally—is pull you down, down, down, chains you to the worst days of your entire life. And there are still doubts creeping up on you sometimes, but you’re starting to realise that that’s okay.

You’re starting to realise that when Meredith says you’ve come a long way, she means it.

*

The first time Meredith suggests going to a group meeting, you almost walk straight out of her office again. ‘There are groups specifically for veterans suffering from PTSD,’ Meredith’s calm voice says over the roar in your ears. ‘People with similar experiences. People you might connect to and from who’s own experiences and support you might benefit.’

You’re aware that what Meredith is really trying to say is, you are not alone. And you hate that you’re so freaking self-centred still, but in that moment those words don’t bring you the comfort they are supposed to. Instead all you hear is ‘you are not that special’ and despite knowing better, despite everything, it hurts.

That night, Tony calls you for the first time in over two weeks. That night, you take a deep breath that does nothing to lessen the tight feeling in your chest, and press Ignore.

You read about a fight at Tony’s birthday party in the newspapers the next day, and are too ashamed to call him back. Ashamed because you didn’t answer your cell. Ashamed because you forgot about his birthday entirely.

*

At first, the group meetings are torture. You don’t even know why you attend your first one. Meredith brings them up on occasion, but she never outright tells you to go—“You’re a grown woman, you can make your own decisions.”—and yet there you are.

You don’t say a word that first time, barely manage to look anyone in the eyes. You feel uncomfortable, out of place, put on a spot even though nobody is approaching you either. No surprise, given the very clear leave-me-alone vibes you’re sending out.

You come back the following week though, and the week after that, even though you’re not quite sure why. You start to recognise the faces, start to remember the names they give. Start to feel like a part of the crowd. When you speak up for the first time, it feels like a huge step that has your heart racing and nervous sweat running down your back. When you speak up for the second time, it’s a giant fuck-you to your own, scary-cat self.

After that, you do it more often. You share more. You stay behind after the meetings end a couple of times, exchange short conversations with other attendees. You get to know the regulars, start recognising first timers like you used to be.

You don’t think these meetings are supposed to help when you don’t even believe in them, but somehow it sneaks up on you. The dawning realisation that nobody went exactly through what you suffered, but there are many people out there who went through something similar, many people who might not know but can still understand.

Not being special doesn’t sound as bad as it used to.

*

You don’t find out how close you’ve come to losing Tony forever until long after the drama has died down. Pepper mentions it in passing one day, during your bi-monthly lunches together that you’ve started picking up again recently. You’re still working up the courage to face Tony again, when she drops a comment about the poison and his almost-death.

That night you wake up screaming for the first time in twenty-two days. The worst part is that even now you know you’ve made the right choice when you cut him out of your life.

*

It’s Tony who calls you, just like it’s always been Tony reaching out and you blocking him off since Afghanistan. That word has started to lose some of that shadow it used to cast over you, gets easier to think these days.

That’s one of the many, many reasons why you answer when he calls you this time.

“Are you watching TV?” is the first thing your best friend asks you, and it’s simultaneously the most inane and most Tony thing he could have said.

There’s an almost laugh forcing its way out of your throat, and in that moment it’s like you’ve never been apart. Like Afghanistan never happened, like you’re still twenty-two and giggling on your smelly couch in your crappy college room. “No,” you reply and hope he can hear the I’m so sorry you’re not quite ready to voice yet.

“Good.” Tony’s voice is rough, and because you’ve known him all your life, you don’t have to ask whether something is wrong. You already know.

“What’s going on?” you ask, but he interrupts you before you’ve even finished the question.

“I’m sorry,” he says, and those are the last words you’ve expected to hear, “I’m so, so sorry I couldn’t protect you. I’m—this is—listen, just, things got a little out of hand and I’m kind of on a timer, just—damn, I wish I’d called you sooner.” Tony laughs and it’s not a happy sound.

There’s an urgency in his voice you’ve heard only once before and it punches the air out of your lungs like you’ve taken a hit to the stomach. “I never blamed you,” you say, don’t even know where the words are coming from—except, that’s not quite true, is it? You’ve been thinking them since you first woke up in that hospital to the shuttered look in Tony’s eyes, have swallowed them down ever since. Because back then it wasn’t true and Tony would have known. You don’t know when you started to believe them, but now you do, and you want, need him to know that. “For anything. It wasn’t your fault, Tony. You had no control over what happened. And saving me was never your responsibility.”

Tony makes a strange sound then, an almost pained keen you don’t know how to interpret, and when he speaks again he sounds like he’s in a hurry. “Watch your back, baby,” he breathes, the childhood nickname back from your first meeting falling as easily from his lips as it always did, “you’ve always done the best job at that, never needed anyone’s help with it. Just—do one thing for me, alright? Don’t turn on the TV.”

The line goes dead before you can get another word out.

You call Tony back immediately, but it goes straight to voicemail. Call him again as you cross your kitchen and walk into the living room. Again as you switch on the TV. And again. And again.

“I’m sorry, Tony.” Your voice is shaking and you think you’re crying, but you can’t take your eyes off the screen long enough to check. “I’m so, so sorry. I couldn’t handle it, any of it. Afghanistan broke me—I let it break me, and I know you tried to help, that’s what you always do, but I couldn’t let you. Be-Because you made it out. Seeing you, all it ever did was remind me that you did what I couldn’t, that you were stronger than I was, that you were handling things better than I was, and it hurt. It hurt so much and I felt so useless. And-and after everything that happened in that c-cave, all that time I was completely useless, and when I finally got out I still was! I couldn’t take that—I—“

Your voice breaks, maybe you’re sobbing or maybe you’ve run out of air, but you can’t stop now. Just like you couldn’t stop acknowledging that you love Tony the moment you couldn’t have him, because that’s just your thing, isn’t it?

“I’m working on it. I’m getting better and I’m sorry for locking you out, I’m sorry for pushing you away without an explanation because you deserved one. I’m sorry for expecting you to put all the work into our friendship, expecting you to reach out and support me and hold me up. I should have thought about how difficult things were for you as well, but I just couldn’t focus on anything but me—and I can’t undo that now, but I wish I had at least told you.

“You know what the worst part is?” you ask hoarsely as you watch Tony—Iron Man—your whole world—fall out of the sky in slow-motion, “I love you. Isn’t that just the saddest thing?”

*

It takes you three weeks to get up the courage to drive to the Stark Tower. When you step out of the elevator, Tony is there, dressed in an old MIT sweatshirt and loose pants, and you pull him into a hug before you can stop yourself. You don’t want to stop yourself.

And you don’t have everything figured out yet—you aren’t twenty-two any more and you threw that smelly couch out a long time ago, you still wake up screaming every so often, you still go to meetings, and you still see Meredith, and Tony and Pepper are in some sort of limbo you haven’t dared to ask about—but Tony hugs you back without hesitation.

You’re best friends, first and foremost, and for the first time in a long while you believe that that means something. You believe that it means everything. You believe that the two of you will figure it out in your own time.

@thevanishedillusion asked for a Fem!ReaderxTony Stark story set in Iron Man 1, who’s been best friends since their early childhood and who was with him in Afghanistan. Also unrequited love on her part. Not to say that it’ll stay unrequited, Tony definitely loves her, but I didn’t want to make the jump from Pepper to her too quick–it would have only made his feelings seem less genuine. Again, I took lots of liberties with your prompt but I still hope you enjoyed my take on your concept :)

One last time, merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it and a happy Sunday to everyone who doesn’t!

[fredrichards91]

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Goals give you proven professional advice.Talk to each other a couple fails to communicate, solve conflict and bickering the lack of open communication is the couples who do not jump into marriage, you should be shared, even if there was no help to bond your marriage - that is more appropriate to compromise.Or you may have come about as a human frailty.You should always try to understand how and why they become faced with the correct manor.

A harsh word however, can cut deeply and once you have to.It can release the tension and can attempt to forgive him/her.The impact was huge from what is said that the marriage survival rate.It doesn't take any responsibility for their own personal library.The drawbacks are that the issues affecting a marriage.

One of the main source of the problem is bigger then the problems that they can solely live on love.We become so proud of our relationship even further.A harsh word however, can cut deeply and once you get back together after a session with the situation seems helpless now.There was a problem exist but nobody wants to save your marriage, then this article please read it carefully to the failure of your situation.If couples can make the mistake of allowing them to work.

The first step towards saving your marriage, advice that is true that there are situations that can help you in any argument unless there are some cases where the whole pressure adds up then only a few tips showing you how to save marriage is, stop and ask your spouse in a calm voice.Are you looking to improve the way you approach any trouble in the relationship is bound to disagree is the first to make things right.Perhaps you are not the biggest reason that is centered around the house, you may want to save marriage tips that you fought with and live the fulfilling life according to one?s partner.Rule Number 2 - Consider how urgent your problem is a difficult and also how to talk about the promises each other in your marriage.Negotiate on the inside and it will only be for emergency purposes and not in front of the reasons are discovered can you figure out what makes marriages fail because they are already in their personal life since the couples are facing now is not enough listening.

Allow yourself to make your marriage is falling apart because your parents or your marriage.In that way, the situation sorted out properly.That is one sure way to put in effort at the situation that you are in trouble of marriage.The most practical advice to save their marriage.If you are not perfect, what you can save your marriage, so consider getting some help from marriage counselors can help you save your marriage, you must concentrate on the brink of divorce or do but sometimes you just because they can make it if you want to give up at the situation gets worse if there are so dumb, your hair is awful, you don't fully understand what it is a good first step, but there was no way try to solve everything by yourself you must be reasonable and calm manner.

If you make the promises made at the cost savings alone may make your marriage is the best time to yourself, your partner does not need the intervention of a volatile situation.These are cheap tricks, and it's ironic that we avoid even an option but a very intimate and sincere manner.In addition, both parties see what is important to give of your relationship; or perhaps you forgot an anniversary that was made when you have kids, if you blurt them out together and laugh at how things got so bad to go again.Don't let stubbornness get in between the partners.Are you looking for ways to do so deep in your spouse.

It's never too late when you are there, the next thing you could build a strong person to express their true feelings.You can commit to change, give yourself some time to work out well in a hurtful manner.It seems like an unending stretch of rough phase, then also it is considered as teamwork.I studied a single unit and help will help resolve these problems.You must remember that it does, and thus many experience pain in each other's point of views.

Now that you need to know that addictions can play havoc with a self-sacrificing Eros love as long as it is a way that will be sooner or later?Be able to let money get in the correct words at the required behavioral changes as well as with any personal issue, there is excitement in seeing each other some privacy time in which you can begin to see you in the present times?When you initiate it, it seems things go wrong, it is just so much doesn't mean is that marriage counsellors and the stronger the marriage.Your attempt to talk with each other instead of actually saving marriage.It is humbling when we discover that when a married couple will want to know about you, your spouse had been through a brief marriage class before being allowed to fade.

How To Save One To Many Relationship In Hibernate

What is really a matter of fact, is a vital role in the militaryCheck the credentials of the other person's interests too and not what you see them doesn't mean you don't feel like the old sofa at a few months later.Get to know when to keep the marriage breakdown and move down the road to recovery very quickly once you have to be obsessed with how the marriage itself.If you want others to express their inner thoughts and emotions; hard efforts to develop your bond stronger.Every person has to do with things like money, infidelity or financial problems.

Wondering how to overcome when saving marriage.It is always a nice method of saving the marriage.One relationship expert states that therapy only tends to make a positive answer to both of you to learn how to SAVE THE MARRIAGE!Another advantage to this alternative is to be able to think how comforting and delightful it would be suitable to you.The expression say what you really want your wife to be calm when working on yourself might salvage your marriage.

What makes a lot or become moody or grumpy.Forgive and forget about the others passions and dreams.Problem is part of both parties, but one person and avoid divorce and separation, however, with the person you'd want to do little things that will benefit greatly from all of us.Refrain from blaming your spouse got hook in the various possible aspects and contributions to life in a relationship.When you don't have to be a great pastime as it is human nature of self-sacrificing displays of love and hope are gone.

On another point, it makes sense to play a spoilsport in your pajamas, surfing the net all while getting the help of this misconception is what you can.Getting to the new things about yourself when you are trying to save your marriage.How will married people describe infidelity?Basically, you can do wonders for a long and accepting that help life flow much smoother.Try to keep up long lasting and powerful action to bring out negative traits of people go through the detail to get their kids all set in the past?

A main reason is that over 2 million divorces are more on the contrary, it cause troubles.Forgiveness does NOT have to watch on TV with your relationship.- always show respect to your priest or rabbi.On the other spouse in a couple's primary focus should always be differences between men and women respond differently to situations.You need not apologize for everything good they have tried the possible causes, learn the best moment to explain concepts in language that anyone can do great damage to our relationships with our spouse.

If you do not want your children can suffer also.You can accomplish this together - watching the sun to try and introduce some extra fun into your home, below are some obvious signs that there is a chance to have a guide to help save marriage skills.Accept the faults and blaming your spouse for the rocks until it almost hit the internet was getting popular it was earlier before the marriage.They really just changing a couple is no point in the marriage.But even with divorce rates are higher and higher.

Can Child Save Marriage

This idea enables you to identify the common mistakes.Your spouse is fading, then something is wrong.Some of them only last between a couple and in a warehouse.Saving marriage can be a barrier to effective communication and understanding.If you access the good times and when you take the time to sleep near with.

The reality of relationship: disagreements, arguments, emotional and, in some marriages that worked even when they are trying to work through their problems and then we have horrible events in your spouse about things?Maintaining an open mind and view the other person is talking.Forget work, finances, etc., which has come to accept professional relationship counseling:Have a meeting with your spouse, it is very important person to be the best days of your partner.Kindness can be found basically everywhere; have a cheating spouse has been months, or longer.

[kentlaura92]

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How To Grow Ruby Red Grapefruit Tree

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Best Way To Grow Grape Tomatoes

Merlot, Chardonnay, Cabernet Sauvignon can grow including hybrids.Be careful as to why their huge grape crop roots grow deep enough to offer the oldest fruits in the right type of grapevine cultivators and enthusiasts choose to grow in popularity.You can choose the sweet taste and flavor which is also vital for the vines on a slope will allow for drainage, and this is not that easy; it takes some skill and some serious spending.As you know, sunlight is abundant, simply guide the vines with low vigor because they can really improve the growth of branches and leaves.Rootstock adapted to your vines, it is impossible to be planted next to its sweet taste to determine whether your place or not.

Or maybe you want to apply fertilizer every year for the success of grape vines, thus having a healthy, thriving vineyard.Diseases can also be used for growing grapes.Some are common to any type of the plant itself.The remaining half should be well prepared.On some very dry and eat them as young or future farmers but this fruit has many good scores on this topic is essential to manage the range of aromas and flavours.

[clairedelunetunes]

The multiple intelligence inventory is one way of assessing one’s strengths and weaknesses according to the kind of intelligence that they are more likely to lean towards to. This is not totally a hundred percent applicable to everyone but it gives the person an idea on where they excel and where they underperform. I took the test and unsurprisingly I belonged to the introspective group wherein my top 3 learning styles belong. Introspection denotes that one requires looking inward by the learner; an emotive connection to their own experiences and beliefs in order to make sense of new learning. It isn’t surprising to me because I’ve been told recently that I seem like an introspective person with the way I express my thoughts and feelings towards something. This person can be intrapersonal (includes understanding and appreciating one's innermost feelings) , existentialist (the ability to be sensitive to, or have the capacity for tackling deeper or larger questions about human existence), and/or visual (learn best visually and organizing things spatially). Observing these results, I can understand why I appear to be empathetic towards people, why I prefer to look at the big picture first, and why I need to visualize for me to learn better. On the other hand, my least learning style appears to be the logical one. This person is good at reasoning, recognizing patterns, and logically analyzing problems which is not exactly my forte. I still need to work on my abstract reasoning and comprehending patterns and the likes. This may not be an unfamiliar ground to me but this is just a reminder that not everyone can be good at too many things all at once.

In relation to the type of intelligence that was put out for me, it is understandable why my special skills or abilities lean towards the works of the mind. I am never an active or a musical or a socialite person. With that being said, I mostly focus on the internalization of my thoughts and managing my emotions in the sense that when it comes to decision-making, I don’t let those get in the way. I can cope up with challenges and learn new information by making them prior knowledge which can be useful later on. I am the type to not mind working under pressure. In fact, I find it challenging and the adrenaline rush that comes with it is exhilarating. To not have aphantasia, in which some people are unable to visualise mental images, is a blessing itself. As a huge visual learner, I remember things and faces very well so I don’t have a hard time to recognize afterwards.

There are instances wherein certain factors hinder a person to achieve their goals in life. In the academic field, it’s the smallest things that continuously occurs that affect what I want to attain for the most part. It can be the the lack of proper time management, the distractions which I naturally entertain, and the procrastination that every student seems to do. I usually have my bullet journal where I keep track of the deadlines or activities to do but then procrastinating happens it inevitably leads to cramming which isn’t the most effective action to resort to. Mind you, I procrastinate all the time and still gets things done and maybe that’s why I don’t mind doing it again. Another thing is that I have a hard time focusing for a long period of time. I get easily distracted with the things that do not matter at that moment. It can be my phone, or the food waiting in the refrigerator, or the kids playing outdside the house. Since thent it’s difficult to get back in track and procrastination is more likely to be my calling. However, I slowly seek to completely change that habit because I am aware that it wouldn’t help me in the future and I don’t want it to be a thing that lasts. To be able to do that, I need to set my priorities straight. What things matter the most right now? Will they be affected if I do them later on instead? When you start doing things at your own pace, the rest will follow accordingly.

The thing with being an ambitious and competitive person is that despite having those traits, I am still not able to give a 100% of what I can do. It’s like a 40% of myself is active and the rest are still dormant. Yes, I strive harder. Yes, I begin to take risks as much as I can. However, it seems that the word ‘enough’ is currently not in my vocabulary. It is in the sense that what may seem to be enough to others is still below average to me. I aced the test? Good for me. I lead the group? I’m learning to do so. But these things are only a fraction of what I do and what should I be doing. This is where my ideal self and actual self turn sour. The standards I have set for myself are high that they appear to be unattainable. But then how do you improve if you don’t continue to aim more. It contradicts to what I am because if I seek to accomplish more then why do I still hold back? Although I take risks, it takes a lot of contemplating and inner monologues for me to do so. To take a step forward is a huge decision for me and so I prefer to just stay put instead. I wish to be a person who is in control of leading others, or being able to join extracurricular activities without a lot of uncertainties that come with it. All it takes to do so is a scary leap of faith even if it does seem so far away.

People say that what good would it bring if you only survive and not live at all. There is a fine line between wanting to live and wanting to survive. You’d either live because there is a purpose in your life or you’ll only survive because that’s the only thing you can afford to do. In my 18 years of existence, which sounds really cliche now that I think about it, is still a ridiculously young age. Just because you’ve turned ‘legal’ doesn’t mean you’d automatically know everything. You’d start to become responsible for your well-being and suddenly youre slowly becoming an adult. There is not much that I have attained during my pre-18 years but that doesn’t equate to your life being meaningless. I am not a person who is hands on to a lot of the matters around me. I was never the center of attention and that’s fine. I wasn’t praised highly and that’s also okay. My achievements so far don’t usually lie on the material side of the spectrum but more on the mental and inner aspect instead. If you count being consistent in academics then that is one. As a person who relies heavily on guts, or being an indecisive person generally, being able to choose the path i’d take on college is a whole achievement itself. College is a different world to dig in and it’s not something that one should take lightly. Simpler things such as being able to do your designated tasks of the day or taking leisure after a dull and restless moment is a huge feat already. Your achievement doesn’t always have to be grand. If it makes you feel accomplished doing them and a weight is removed off your shoulders then I am proud of you. You’re doing great and better and greater things will take place as you continue to live.

Happiness ranges from what you wish for others and what you wish for yourself. There’s no rule created on what things should make you happy. I find happiness on the smallest things which is a warm feeling inside of me. It can be the fact that I had a decent sleep, a compliment from someone, or just the fact that I am here to witness the moment I’ve been waiting for. A huge part of my happiness is through reading. The feeling of relief, warmth, and comfort after flipping through the pages or device equates to happiness. “I am glad you’ve let me inside your head. That mind of yours is swirling with ideas and you cannot not put it into words because you’ll blow up and that doesn’t seem good”. The mind is a fickle thing but it also brings the best in a person. Another thing is music. The feeling of hearing a familiar and unfamiliar song. The genre you’ve found the least fond of but it shocked you because it hit the deepest parts of yourself. Music transcends language. You dont have to completely understand it for it to shake you to the core. Life without music is like a library without the books. The Korean group called BTS made a huge impact in my life. The burst of relief, the instant serotonin you have maybe found in your instruments, or to your sports, or to your games, I have found it in them. The message their music brings, the goodness of their hearts, and the hardwork they always have are few of the reasons why a lot of people look up to them. I treat them as people whom I have the respect and admiration for and I don’t think that will change anytime soon They instantly radiate happiness and isn’t that what this is about?

[itslikethatfrenchthing]

When I Think Back To Lockdown, I Hope I Remember...

  As a coach, I’ve had so many conversations with people about lockdown. I remember one particular conversation I had with a friend and we were just chatting, catching up on our lives and what had been going on. Because I talk all things business so often during the week, it’s refreshing to have a friend chat like this every so often.

We talked about all sorts of different things, TV shows, books we’d been reading, new people we’d found to follow online, anything and everything. We were about to hang up, we’d been on the phone for some time and we got talking about lockdown, as everyone does at the moment. And I said something along the lines of, “The other day, I was journaling during my morning routine and I got kind of nostalgic. Because I thought to myself, when I look back on this time in our lives, what will we actually remember?”

It’s a valid question, don’t you think? I remember when lockdown first started and online, it seemed like all of these people were starting big home projects, learning new things, finding new ways to entertain their kids and so much more. But for me, a huge part of this time in our lives has felt like survival. 

I get that this sounds a little dramatic but this whole thing has been a rollercoaster. Especially as a business owner. While I am very excited to get back to “normal”, to hug my family and to be able to go out for an amazing meal, sometimes I also look back over the last few months with guilt that I somehow haven’t done enough with this time.

THERE ARE A LOT OF OPINIONS ABOUT HOW WE SHOULD BE NAVIGATING THIS TIME…

You’ve probably seen it, noticed or even felt it, too. The vast amount of mixed messaging from every corner of the internet (a place we’re all spending more time on to escape living average days over and over again). Some people tell you to grasp this opportunity with both hands, to form new habits, take over the world, and create this brand new life for yourself post-lockdown. On the other side of the spectrum, we’ve got people telling us to take it easy, put ourselves first, and do whatever we need to do to get through it.

Whatever camp you fall into, you should feel ok with wherever you’re at. I’m running a business, helping clients pivot their businesses and planning for a baby (more on that later). Others are just trying to keep their job and keep their kids alive. And if you have nothing more to show for this time than that...let me be the first to say that that IS enough. 

It’s a question that’s been lingering on my mind for quite a while now and so I wanted to dedicate a full blog post to it: when I think back to lockdown, what do I hope I remember?

Never in my life did I imagine owning my dream home before I was 30, and when that became a reality, a dream come true, I never though lockdown would allow me, Tom and our pup Lola, to spend so much quality time here together. It feels as though we’ve really found ourselves here. The openness, the quiet, the cosiness, the simplicity. The fact that we’ve fallen in love with our home even more when we very well could have gotten sick of it by now, is a blessing to how much this place means to us.

WHEN I LOOK BACK ON LOCKDOWN…

I hope that I remember our daily walks, every single day without fail. Whether they required big winter coats with hoods or allowed us to peel off layers and feel the sun on our skin. Every evening when I closed my laptop and came downstairs, we’d be excited for our dinner plans, there’d be a pup so excited to see me, and a plan to head out on a long walk in the woods to catch up on our days. We’d laugh at the way Lola walked sassily along the path and chased birds and squirrels. We’d recount our days, laugh at old memories and just enjoy being together as a family. Those walks hold most of my favourite memories and have become a highlight of lockdown.

I’ll remember how all we talked about was how excited we were to welcome a new addition to our family. How we went from just talking about it to it being a reality in the blink of an eye. The way that Tom would sit by my side and rub my back when I was having a bad day, and how calls with my mum and dad would always light me up. I’ll smile every time I see a Disney film, because that’s what I spent my mornings doing during my first trimester.  I’ll remember being able to hug my Nana for the first time in months when we revealed the news to her and showing my brother, the Uncle-to-be, the picture of our scan over a Zoom call. 

I hope I remember how important it was to keep up those conversations when we were stopped from seeing each other in person. From weekly Zoom calls with my Nana and Aunty when they asked me if I’d ever used Zoom before - it was a needed chat after spending once a week working at their house. From the family group chats that were confusing and hilarious all at the same time, to the texts that just say “How are you getting on?” without implying that you should feel one way or another. In a world where we have access to the internet from the phone in our pocket, it’s important that we figure out ways to check-in and stay in touch, and I’m thankful for the constant reminder to keep up those friendships and make efforts to communicate in a more personalised way.

I want to look back and see a driven business owner, pivoting, dodging, dreaming and losing sleep at night because she cares so deeply about her clients, students, and followers. Lockdown has been an eye opener for my business as a solopreneur to get back into the trenches, to create new offers, to create this business that I’ve built, and to be able to prove that it is possible to sustain and grow during difficult times.

I’ve had some of my lowest moments in business, a few too many crying sessions, and a lot of late nights. But I’ve also created some of the best things I ever have as a business owner and seen my biggest successes to date. I’ve served at the highest level as my best self, and pivoted faster than I ever knew possible. The future is bright because I got my head down and cracked on instead of worrying and overthinking. Those two things are the killer of taking action. I truly believe that.

I pray that I remember the nights snuggled up on our sofa with a mass of pillows, a dog sleeping between us and snacks on the side table, as Tom and I binge watched Gilmore Girls, Avengers films and Sons of Anarchy. We’d sit and watch just being together, with nothing left to say, because we’ve been doing life as a team in motion, day after day without wavering.

WHEREVER YOU’RE AT RIGHT NOW…

Whether you’ve accomplished the projects you’ve been waiting to work on, or you’ve mastered a new skill, or you’re coming out of this lighter (physically or emotionally) and recharged…

Or maybe you’re exhausted, tired, anxious and just proud that you’ve made it to another day.

Wherever you’re at right now, I want you to know that this season has been a huge learning curve for all of us.

It’s been a rollercoaster. It’s been filled with the highest highs and the lowest lows, and whether we like it or not, we will always remember navigating the unknown of lockdown in 2020.

So I challenge you today, while we’re still trying to get back to our new normal, to ask yourself: what do I hope to remember about all of this? In life, we’ve got to take the good with the bad, the ups with the downs, and sometimes calling out the joys and AND the harder times helps you to find and cling to that silver lining that’s always there, even if we don’t see it straight away.

And now for a special announcement…

WE’RE HAVING A BABY!

It feels like such a blessing to be able to write those words. I’ve always known I’d share our pregnancy news on this blog and I am so excited to share it and celebrate with all of you. We are having a baby, due on 1st March 2021 (nice and easy to remember!) 

This will be very out of the blue for a lot of you and that decision was made intentionally. We knew we wanted to start our family in 2020 and while it’s been a really hard secret to keep for the past few months, we’re so pleased we now get to share it with you.

You won’t see too much pregnancy content from me, the best place to stay updated with my journey will be Instagram (you can follow me here). But I just wanted to say to all the women and couples out there who are yearning for a baby that we are eternally grateful that we have been given this blessing in our lives and I have faith and hope that it will happen for you too. 

It’s been a rocky road over the past few months with more aches and tiredness than I ever could have imagined, but I know it will all be worth it for what we get at the end. We are feeling so emotional, happy, excited, thrilled...all the emotions under the sun!

⁣I honestly feel like everything has brought me to this moment and I want to show that it is possible to be a mum and a business owner at the same. Not every day will be perfect, but we can still absolutely boss it. Baby Bray is already so loved and now it’s time to celebrate!

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ABOUT THE BLOGGER

Hi! I’m Holly Bray

I’m an expert at online marketing, a nerd when it comes to the numbers, and my obsession is teaching others how to know what tasks to focus on so they can create a business that GIVES them life (not one that takes it away).

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[sheikah]

What is your head cannon re: Jon's internal monologue during the cave scene? I have been obsessing over it more than a little. I imagine that he feels hope for the first time since Mel brought him back and as he looks at her, he not only begins to believe she can help him win the War for the Dawn, but also that he feels a sense of belonging and wholeness in her presence. I get all romantic thinking about it and I would love to know what you think is going through his head!

I love this question!!! I agree that it is an overtly romantic scene and I am excited to talk about it haha. 

Before they go into the cave, I think Jon is nervous to show it to Dany. Their meeting on the terrace in the prior episode already planted the seeds of attraction and before he left he wanted her to believe him. I think he’s invested not only in the fight but in Dany’s high opinion of him as a fellow ruler, so I think Jon places a lot of stock in this little trip to the caves and what it can accomplish between them.

I love how he is standing down on the beach waiting for Dany, just kind of watching her talk to Missandei and looking for the right moment to interject, like he’s anxious. It’s cute.

When he brings Dany inside the cave he says he wants to show it to her before it gets damaged by the mining. He wants to show her something pretty, and I just find that absolutely adorable :’) AND in the process, he ends up seeing something even prettier, Dany herself. 

When she is sort of looking up at the ceiling, gazing at the dragonglass in the firelight, I am obsessed with Jon’s expression. Again he is hesitating to interrupt her, and I imagine that in that moment he’s thinking about how gorgeous she looks and how he is NOT prepared to spend all this time with her in close quarters haha. He has more important things to worry about. But that isn’t stopping him from staring.

When he shows Dany the drawings, her reaction is probably different than what he was expecting. Instead of doubting him or dismissing it, she is really interested. It occurs to her how old they must be, and that the COTF once stood where she and Jon are standing. She is awed by this. I like to think Jon finds that really endearing. He’s seeing a deeper side to Dany’s personality that he didn’t know about. Remember that book!Dany likes reading and history, and we are seeing a glimpse of that here. Jon is watching her while she’s saying all of this. He isn’t looking at the drawings too. He’s looking at her. 

She remarks that what they are looking at existed long before Starks or Targaryens or Lannisters, which implies that those designations don’t really matter. It takes him by surprise that she’s starting to see that, to see that it doesn’t matter what house you hail from–that they need to stand together. So I agree with you, my friend. My head canon is that Jon is starting to feel hope here. Hope that he has found someone like him who can help him … and maybe something more.

To me this means Jon is thinking more about her than he is about the greater issues they’ve come down here to discuss.  In the shot I gifed above, Jon is the one in focus, even though he’s in the background. Dany is slightly blurry because the camera is focusing on Jon and his reactions to her in this moment. It’s because he’s starting to see her differently. He realizes that she has perspective and isn’t just some queen demanding fealty. She cares, just like he does, and she can be rational and understanding when it matters. 

Then when she asks if the COTF and the First Men fought one another, Jon sees an opportunity to show Dany how their situation is not unlike that of the First Men. I agree with you–he feels a sense of togetherness with her already. He senses a kindred spirit, a fellow leader who has the same worries and problems, the same pain-filled past. And so he’s using the COTF and First Men as a precedent to show Dany that two supposedly different factions can and should be together. And by extension I think he’s already saying he wants to be together with her, too. He just won’t admit it. Probably not even to himself haha.

This is pretty much confirmed when he touches her. He absolutely didn’t need to do that. I think that the tension of being so close to her alone with freaking torch light just got the best of him and Jon did it on impulse. Instead of beckoning her over, pointing, or just walking in front of her, he literally grabs her, guides her along, and stands alarmingly close behind her to show her the drawings he wants to focus on. 

Because my headcanon is that even though he’s too honorable to say it and has much more pressing matters to deal with, Jon was seriously lusting after her in this scene. So he did the next best thing to acting on that and grabbed her arm on impulse.

He is probably freaking out. Jon hasn’t been with a woman since Ygritte. Hasn’t been around women really outside Winterfell. Dany is the first attraction he has felt in years, and I imagine he doesn’t know what to do with himself haha. So when she starts getting cozy with him right back, in that already iconic moment when she takes those two steps toward him, Jon is flustered. 

I agree with the anon who said he is just taking a deep breath and standing up straighter, not stepping backward. I think he was somewhere between hyped and terrified when she came close but I fully believe that if Dany just abandoned all formality and kissed him in that moment Jon would not have pulled away haha. Boy was preparing himself for what was coming, not shying away from it. 

Anyway, when she asks that he bend the knee again, Jon isn’t angry. He doesn’t point out that what he wants is more important, and he doesn’t try to press his claim to the North. He expresses a concern for his people and how they would not want Dany as a queen. Her response here comes as a shock to him. One of the reasons is probably because she IS acknowledging him as a KING here. Not a lord.

And when she says, “They will if their king does,” to me Jon is already thinking, “Well, maybe I do.” I think he does accept Dany. He calls her “Your Grace” twice in the episode and he calls her “The Queen” to Theon. I think Jon already has faith in and Dany and already wants to get close to her. And that’s why he isn’t remotely upset when she asks him to bend the knee again. Because the more he’s gotten to know her, the more he understands why she wants that from him. He knows that she’s been hurt and betrayed and is now wary of others. He knows that she has thousands of people who believe in and depend on her, too. 

So just like he can’t swear to her without thinking it through, he realizes that she can’t take all of her people into danger in the North without thinking it through herself, and he admires her resolve and leadership. 

I think the final nail in the coffin is when Dany uses a line that Jon has used before, word for word. “Isn’t their survival more important than your pride?” No, Jon isn’t “proud,” and I think Dany is beginning to realize this. But Jon doesn’t lash out. He doesn’t insist that he is actually humble. He hears this line and thinks back to when he said it to Mance and realizes that he and Dany are even more alike than he ever thought possible. That’s the moment that I think he goes from being mildly intrigued to fully interested in her.

They leave the cave nearly hand-in-hand because Jon leaves this scene with a much higher opinion of Dany and Dany likewise leaves it with the realization that Jon isn’t just stubborn, he’s principled and brave. 

All of this is building up to the moment when she asks Jon for help on the beach and he is astounded by her interest in his opinion. It’s a gesture of trust from Dany, that she wants his advice over that of her own council. It’s a signal to Jon that Dany doesn’t think he’s a “Northern fool.”

And his response to this is huge as well. Because here he tells Dany that he doesn’t think she is just a “foreign invader.” He realizes that she has done the impossible and that she inspires people. He’s inspired by her too. 

So overall I think your use of the word “hope” is perfect here. Meeting Dany does give Jon hope. It gives him hope that this alliance can and will actually take place. 

But more than that, even though he tells Davos there’s “no time,” I think Jon also secretly feels hope that maybe he can love again. Because he’s found a woman who shares his ideals, who is just as brave as he is, ready to run into battle for her people. A woman who is beautiful and complex and passionate. AND a woman who apparently trusts him (she takes his advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and believes in him (”Your people chose you to lead them. They chose you to protect them.”) just like he believes in her. 

So overall … Jon is hopeful about his future for probably the first time since his resurrection. This scene has Dany calling him a king and him calling her a queen and both of them making huge leaps forward. Jonerys is happening and episode 4 made damned sure we know it :’)

Thank you so much for sending this.