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briefobservationdreamer · 11 months ago

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Kingdom Hearts Characters: Lea/Axel

What I think of the character: So many thoughts about him. Axel was a really fun villain in Chain of Memories and a pretty interesting morally gray character, being the devious assasin throughout his time as a Nobody but was friendly, fun-loving and had a soft spot to him that still made him likeable. However, he did a lot of awful things and deeply hurt a lot of people, but many of them get overlooked once he gets recompleted as Lea and I don't think they should be. I don't take issue with him being a flawed character as long as he learns and fixes his mistakes, but he has a lot of work to do to atone and earn trust and forgiveness. Giving him a keyblade might be fanservice but it was a good way to make him self-reflect, discover what's most important to him, show his determination to fix his mistakes and bring back the friends he lost by his own actions. Unfortunately that potential was lost in KH3 and he didn't really do anything for the war or to atone, he mostly became comic relief with a couple of emotional moments. Xemnas destroying his keyblade and beating him up was just the final insult to his arc. And I think that's a shame because he definitely deserved a character arc and deserved to be more than comic relief. While I don't entirely hate him, I can have a lot of trouble forgiving him for the things he did at times. I do really like his chakrams and keyblade though, and I've always loved fire powers and had a soft spot for characters who use them.

Headcannons:

How he got those teardrop tattoos. We know Saïx gave them to him to help him stop crying, which I like though I wish it had a slightly different context because it's not healthy to discourage crying. Maybe as a charm to wipe away tears, or ward away the need for them? I like to think it happened soon after they became Nobodies, with Lea struggling to cope with everything that happened, especially if Saïx got his scar just before that.

The manga showed that, despite being an extrovert who tries to befriend everyone and taking it upon himself to be the big brother to his group of teens, he isn't as socially smooth and can be a bit more awkward than most realise. He's surprisingly particular about personal space and being touched, and isn't comfortable about physical intimacy with just anyone, only people he's particularly close to. The games kind of hint at this too, so I'm not sure how much this counts as a headcannon, but I'll put it here anyway.

Has a magical connection to the sun, but far more subtle than Isa's connection to the moon. It makes his fire magic easier to use when outside during the day.

Relationships:

Roxas and Xion: I like the idea a lot, and the dynamic is cute. However, what I think a lot of people don't realise is that the relationship is not as wholesome, innocent and harmless as it appears on the surface. Axel used deception and force to keep them with him in the Organisation, and while none of the options were good, it was still toxic and manipulative, and he hurt a lot of other people for them as well. What he did in Days and 2 wasn't healthy, and it isn't cute seeing a grown man do those things because he was obsessed with keeping a pair of vulnerable children. I don't ship Lea with either of them because of the age gap, he's more of a big brother in the role of guardian.

Isa/Saïx: I like the dynamic a lot, and they play off each others strengths and weaknesses very well, and I'm really intrigued by their story. I take huge issue with Axel replacing Saïx and abandoning him when he needed him most, and it's the thing I find hardest to forgive Axel for. I am glad they were able to reconcile, but I wish Lea had taken more responsibility and done more to make up for it and show he really cared about him post recompletion, because there was no excuse. Also no, I don't ship them partly because of what I just said and because I'm not big on romance in general. I just like them as best friends/honorary brothers.

Kairi: It was nice to see them patch things up in KH3 and Lea trying to make amends. It's a shame KH3 was had too much going on to expand on this more, I like to think that Kairi was able to give him some much needed emotional support, help him come to terms with his past and process any guilt he feels about what happened.

Subject X: This is definitely a retcon and sudden thing to bring up now of all times, particularly with Axels many conflicting motivations, but I do like the idea a lot. It adds an extra layer Lea's and Isa's story and motivations, makes things more tragic. It also gives a personal perspective to enhance how messed up the human experiments done by Ansem, Xehanort and the other apprentices did really were, instead of just being facts and figures. Because it's one of many motivations Axel eventually abandoned, despite him claiming not to have given up, its a bit difficult to say how he really feels about it with the "content to miss what's gone" quote from his secret reports in Days. It could be taken to mean he gave up and stopped caring, which would have made his actions and situation with Saix make a lot of sense. But it could also mean he still cares and wants to look, but is 'content to just miss her' for the time being and isn't letting it dominate his life and stopping him appreciating what is going on in the present, which is a healthier attitude to have that is also in line with Lea's personality. We don't know what their relationship was like yet, but I hope they find her in the future.

#kingdom hearts #lea #axel #kh lea #kh axel #sea salt trio #sea salt family #kh lea/axel #lea/axel

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violetueur-archive · 3 years ago

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Continued from HERE With @fallesto

It was SO embarrassing, this hopelessly shameful display. How completely fucking humiliating could she be, in front of a HASHIRA of all people, and one she’d tried so hard to make a good first impression towards, at that? Sure, the demon was dead and the day was saved, but what did that matter when she’d probably just ruined her chances of ever being taken seriously or looked at as an equal — a cruel thought that was directly opposed by the sheer amount of RELIEF in the back of her mind at the lack of causalities.

She didn’t have a big heart or any unwavering love for those around her. Nicolette would tell anyone as much: her heart was a small, shriveled up thing. It was cold and didn’t like to make room for others. She was rude and narcissistic. She was violent and reckless. Most people disgusted her. There was never a shortage of humans committing atrocities upon one another, and it made her sick to her stomach every time; selfish mothers who abandoned their innocent children or men who used and abused women for their own pleasure, they committed such evils without a care and she was simply incapable of forgiving the human race as a whole quite so easily. Maybe she really was just a bad person. She’d been told as much, on more than one occasion. Or maybe her bitterness was just an expected side effect of having to endure such evils for many years as a child, but if she admitted that to herself, then she would also have to admit that perhaps she was capable of good, despite her flaws — and if she did that, the slayer didn’t know how she would cope. If there was one thing Nicolette was particularly good at, it was villainizing herself before others could do it for her.

Even now, she’d gone and lost control like she always did, never mind that she’d only done so after the demon had attempted to take a child hostage to taunt them. In fact, she’d been pretty-fucking-impressive before that, even a bit of a show-off, which might’ve been cause of their opponent’s under-handed tactic. But all of that had flown out the window the moment she’d heard that kid scream. Nicolette couldn’t really remember everything that happened after that, just that she’d felt that metaphorical snapping of the thread that kept her tethered to rationality, and she’d probably rushed in a little too fast without thinking — that must be where the bleeding wound in her side came from. Another scar to add to a collection of many. She could easily guess what happened after that, faintly remembering the way she’d heard the familiar sound of blood rushing in her ears, a wildfire burning behind her eyes.

She must’ve entered that trance-like state that had become so intertwined with her blood breathing technique, because the next time she’d been truly aware of her surroundings, Rengoku was standing over her, wearing that too-bright smile of his that made her heart hurt to look at. She saw, rather than heard, his mouth move and blinked; though, she realized she must’ve either blinked really fucking slowly, or just simply closed them, because once they opened again, Rengoku’s face was much closer and there was a gentle pressure against her forehead. Letting out a ragged wheeze at the sudden contact, Nicolette attempted a joke, muttering, ❝ I dunno, I feel pretty zen right now... ❞ She hadn’t even realized the way her expression had tensed up until she felt her face — and whole body, for that matter — relax upon his command. Staring up at him, pupils dilated and breathing shallow ( still coming down from her adrenaline rush ), Nicolette did as she was told and attempted to calm her rapidly beating heart. It had done well to the pump excessive blood to her muscles during the fight, but now it was just making her bleed out faster, and anyway, she needed to show off how good she was at recovery techniques.

❝ Ah... I’m not in pain though— nothing hurts. I don’t really feel anything. ❞ She insisted, or more like promised, though she recalled that the kakushi usually didn’t look reassured when she told them the same thing. Still, despite her arguments, she continued to do as instructed, watching him intently as her breathing pattern slowed and began to match his. She could tell her bleeding had stopped, but the longer she kept it up and the more the world around her became clearer, the more Nicolette could tell that she’d gone and pushed herself too far again. Maybe it only just started, or Rengoku had been kind enough not to mention it, but she could now feel that her entire body was shaking, fingers twitching with every full body tremor.

❝ Ah, shit... this fucking sucks— ❞ She cursed, wincing at the sudden pulsating pain at her side. She wanted to stop, wanted to keep feeling nothing at all if only to keep from feeling like THIS. She’d prefer he knock her out and let her sleeping self deal with the consequences, but Rengoku’s words of encouragement made her feel too ashamed to quit, bloody cheeks flushing from both strain and embarrassment. ❝ I think... I went and showed you something super embarrassing. ❞ She chuckled humorlessly, hoping he didn’t think her weak or disgraceful for fighting in such an anarchic way. ❝ I guess made something quite ugly out of the flame breathing style, huh? ❞

#fallesto #( FALLESTO ; KYOJURO 01 )#PLEASE IM SO SORRY I WROTE SO MUCH #child abuse mention tw//#vaguely #[ nicolette laying in her own blood voice ] tis but a scratch! happens all the time #the kakushi know her by name. the power she holds. girl power #↳ SHIP ; KYOJURO RENGOKU || fallesto ❛ youre in my head youre in my blood / it feels so good it hurts so much ❜#↳ PRIVATE AU ; KYONICO || ❛ keeping up with the rengokus ❜ ( fallesto )

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epicene-humanoid · 4 years ago

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some trans Jeff thoughts:

he realized he was trans in elementary school and just went fuck it I'll just start introducing myself as Jeffery and see if anyone decides to stop me (as we know, jeff winger can get away with almost anything)

he got top surgery the second he could afford it (around the same time he started at his law firm), and probably bribed someone to keep it a secret

"I'm jeff winger and i would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with" are the words of a man proud of his transition

he's really insecure about his fashion sense, which is why he mostly dresses like the douchey guys at his firm in the start of the show, he thought you can't go wrong with the sleazy lawyer look

he will never admit it but he feels super good about the dean hitting on him, because the dean is a (cis) guy, acknowledging that Jeff is more manly than him

i think he starts out stealth and comes out to everyone one by one, probably starting with abed because he knows abed won't judge him and will probably just see it as an interesting backstory.

abed just says it's cool and maybe worth a prequel exploring Jeff's transition, and jeff asks him to predict how all of the members of the group will react to him coming out.

abed's predictions:

britta will be over-the-top supportive and do a ton of research about trans history, probably put together a slideshow just to prove how progressive she is, and jeff will be a little bit weirded out, but also touched that she did all that for him, though he would never let her know that

shirley will be confused, because she doesn't know how someone she trusts and knows so well could be part of a group she was raised to hate, but ultimately realizes that there's nothing actually against the lgbtq people in the bible, and, as a cool character development arch, starts to advocate against use of the bible to justify bigotry

troy will just think it over and decide that Jeff's physique and coolness are even awesomer knowing how much work he'd had to put in to be like that, and respects Jeff's manliness even more

annie will give him a hug, say something sweet about how she'll always love him, and worry about his health, because even she read somewhere that taking testosterone makes you more likely to have a heart attack, jeff will explain that the risk is still only as high a cis guy, and she'll be the one to always remind him to take his shots

peirce will say at best say "jeff winger used to be a chick?" and at worst call him a slur, either way there's sure to be a lot of misgendering from him, and pestering to know Jeff's deadname (needless to say, Jeff just doesn't tell peirce)

the whole group goes out of their way to keep their beach trips a secret from pierce (the girls don't want him there anyways, he's too liable to be creepy) even though jeff knows that even if pierce saw his scars, all he would have to do is make up a story about some childhood accident and pierce would never question it

sorry this ended up being super long. can I hear some of your headcanons for him?

YES ALL THIS!!! yes yes i’m fully accepting this as canon oh my god

i’m about to type a whole ass ESSAY at midnight because i have been DYING to talk about this for months ajfdksljk,,, this is going to be obscenely long and i might end up adding even more to it as i continue to rewatch the show because there is truly no shortage of trans jeff content (especially when you’re trans and see transness in every little thing ajdkslfkjs)

spoiler warning for literally everything about this show under the cut <3

i 100% agree, i feel like he realized he was trans super young, especially since in the show we see him as a little kid a couple of times.

like look at little jeff with the oversized sweatshirt and little ponytail!! that’s childhood trans fashion. not to be dramatic but part of me thinks that jeff’s dad left before he fully came out to his family (which gives him even more angst about it, because until that one Thanksgiving episode, he’s never able to prove to his dad that he’s a better man), but part of me thinks that his dad left after he came out (which adds that spicy i-should-have-stayed-in-the-closet guilt that he has to work through).

either way, because his dad wasn’t there, he had to base his concept of masculinity on something else, which was becoming a lawyer!! there’s some line that’s like “after the dust and divorce papers were settled the only man i looked up to was [the lawyer guy]”. like, replacing your father figure in your mind with the concept of “a job where you can talk your way in and out of anything and distort other people’s concept of reality”? that’s trans.

and the fucking THANKSGIVING EPISODE... i struggle to watch it without crying hehe <3 yeowch! the dichotomy of willy jr. being the “wrong” kind of man because he’s “too soft” but jeff also not being enough despite adhering to all the social standards of masculinity... fuck!! this whole scene of him telling his dad “i am Not well adjusted” and talking about how he gave himself an “appendix surgery scar” when he was a kid and he still keeps the get-well-soon letters from his classmates under his bed? oh my god. the implication of people loving him not despite his scars but because of them?? trans. i can’t think about this episode for too long or i’ll start yelling.

OH and this scene? where he talks about how his mom got him a girl costume for halloween?? and everyone said “what a cute little girl” and after a few houses he stopped correcting them?? and “once the shame and the fear wore off, i was just glad they thought i was pretty”?? THAT’S TRANS... the man needs validation oh my god... and then in all the halloween episodes we see he has these ultra-masculine costumes (a cowboy, David Beckham, one of the fast and furious guys even though he never watched the movies, a boxer with his DAD’S boxing gloves... god) costumes are about becoming something else and he always chooses to be hypermasculine and that is trans.

THE PHYSICAL EDUCATION EPISODE!!!!!!! being uncomfortable during P.E. is a queer experience. period. but him being specifically uncomfortable in the clothes someone else is assigning to him? trans. “are we gonna talk about clothes like a girl? or use tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned mat like a man?” TRANS. and him eventually stripping in public? celebration of transness. and the fact that he eventually becomes comfortable in both the uniform and his own style!! trans!! god i love this episode.

AND AND AND!!! the gay dean coming out episode!!! where it’s the three of them discussing the best way for the dean to come out as gay despite not entirely identifying with that label!! so we have both frankie and the dean who are sort of ambiguously queer, and jeff who’s a stealth trans man who’s probably only out to only the study group at this point. this scene where the dean and jeff have this like eyebrow communication while frankie is talking is just so cute. queer-to-queer communication. “I am so curious” “oh?” “intellectually.” “oh...” ajfdksljfk this scene just screams high school GSA to me and i love it so much.

and SPEAKING of the dean!! i totally see you on that. i feel like jeff has some internalized homophobia/biphobia (like he’d throw punches over someone else, but when it comes to himself he has a lot of shame). and also seeing the dean so confident in all his different outfits/costumes has a weird affect on him bc it’s like “okay, the dean, a cis guy, can do that, but i as a trans guy could Not because that’s Breaking the Rules”. which, like, throwback to the halloween thing. of course there’s no right way to be masculine, but mr. winger does not know that.

another thing!! the episode where their emails get leaked? that includes his emails with his therapist. fuck!! he was outed to the whole world in that episode!! no wonder he was so fucking angry!! this whole episode (and really any time he mentions his therapist) is so interesting when you think about them as a person he talks to about his transition. OH which adds to the thing with the dean!! “and you told your therapist you wanted to be alone this weekend” and “not you jeff, i know you’ll be visiting your dad” ”I told you to stop reading my emails”. luckily his study group has his back and just makes fun of him for emailing astronauts lmao

and WHO can forget “they’re giving out an award for most handsome young man!!!!” what else is there to say about this line besides: he’s trans. you know he didn’t get awarded enough for being a handsome young man when he was a kid, and no amount of compliments when he’s fully-grown can really make up for that. some people crash a kid’s bar mitzvah to cope with the fact that they struggled to be seen as themselves when they were a teenager <3

also his weird relationship with pierce? where he kind of hates him (understandably lmao) but at times has this almost-friends-almost-father-son relationship with him? especially in this episode where he’s forced to bond with him and ends up having a good time by accident (at a barber shop no less, the perfect place to Be A Man with your Man Friend). idk what to say about him besides the fact that pierce says his mom wanted a girl when he was born and made him dress like a girl (and his middle name is anastasia!) so if they’re gonna do any bonding over transness it’s gonna be that.

okay one last thing and then i’ll shut up for the night. this episode kills me (and almost kills jeff hahahahelpi’mcrying). it’s a very Trans thing to not be able to visualize your future self, it just is. growing up trans at the time he did? i don’t know what kind of future he saw for himself, but i’m so happy that he ended up with a group of friends who became his family and love him the way they all do. i’m so emotional over this asshole it’s ridiculous.

in conclusion:

they’re trans, your honor <3

#community #jeff winger #trans jeff winger #GOD i'm gonna make a video essay about it if nobody stops me #yall know that youtube channel AreTheyGay? i want to be that but AreTheyTrans #the videos would just b like... jeff community. neo the matrix. bill and ted bill and ted. audrey little shop of horrors. jo little women.#maybe i should start that youtube channel sjdfklsj #thank you for prompting me to talk about this because i think about it twice a day #i might end up reblogging this and just adding different responses jeff has had to casually homophobic/transphobic things that happen #in the show #like the episode that last photo is from when the dean is like #'spring transfer student dance isn't rolling off the tongue so we're calling it The Tr@nny Dance!' 'much more greendale.'#OH AND ACCIDENTALLY KILLING PIERCE'S DAD!!! HOW DID I NOT MENTION THAT EARLIER SJFKLSJ #'you LITERALLY killed a father!' 'well not MINE dummy!!'#alright i need to do my homework now ajfklsdjfl

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neonponders · 2 years ago

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'Also the ableism and fat-phobia in this season was kind of jaw dropping.' these arent necessarily bad cuz for the time period it's kinda expected. Hell in the 90s i was constantly reminded by everyone how fat I was. The duffers are pretty soft in my opinion, since words like 'fag' and 'lardass' were thrown around at almost anyone who seemed too different.

My brother in Christ, Sun, and Moon, it wasn't okay then, and it's not okay now. I'm so sorry you went through that.

[ The rest of this is kind of lecturey and I didn't mean for it to be, so I'll just slip it under the cut. ]

ST is a show for a modern audience. That’s the sticking point here. It doesn’t matter if it’s set in the 80s. The audience is here and now. People will always find reasons to carelessly use words and phrases in the most insensitive way, but I don't think it's outlandish to ask Hollywood writers to do better. A point can be made and still exclude the use of ableist/-phobic language.

The only exception in ST is having the f*g slur, because it's like a character in and of itself. It serves a purpose but it has to be used very carefully. That's why the weird Straight™ treatment of Billy and Steve is bizarre and shady. They're doing something with it for Will and Robin, but that's where their diversity quota ended, apparently.

The fat shaming is just........there is no purpose. Hopper was a prisoner of war. He can use self deprecating humor as a coping mechanism but not. Any. One. Else. The moment he said something, with his scars and newfound thinness on display, Joyce should've said that she liked him in any form. Mike should've kept his skinny mouth shut.

And Billy can be a douche bag with so many other word variations than lardass. As an older brother, his imagination is vast with multitudes of insults (speaking as a younger sister myself).

I don't mean to lecture or be scolding. I just had to call out my dad recently for repeatedly using r*tard as if he had the right to that word for some reason.

Word choice matters, and if someone is a professional writer, they should act like they have some better mastery of it.

I'll be sputtering over the white, cis male gall of those ass hats for openly saying that they forgot Will's birthday, they don't rewatch seasons before writing new ones, and admitting that they scrapped the original script of S3. I'm so tired of modern Hollywood's boy clubs. (Research pre-world war/silent film some time. It was a golden age of female film ✨)

#this is a rant #and it deviates from the original ask lol #ask #answered #anonymous #neonponders #might delete this later honestly #i want my blog to go back to positive harringrove things #which means i have to stop ranting in tags lol

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faevi · 3 years ago

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Hi, can i request headcanons for Levi and Jean (if you don't feel okay writing Jean, Levi alone will do!) comforting and helping a reader who spirals down into depression? Could you include some of actions that they would do to make the reader feel better, not only just comfort words? Thank you!

of course, you can! though with these kinds of requests i obviously must state a few things: i’m not a professional therapist or have any kind of professional background & know detailed knowledge of mental health besides my own experiences and my own ways of coping so please remember that. i do suggest to always seek help because there’s nothing wrong and you deserve to feel okay and be yourself. with these kinds of writings, it will only be a small tiny thing that can be used to help you feel comfort for certain days and a tiny way to cope. obviously don’t ever use these as a main source of comfort or coping. i understand that this can help you feel okay momentarily like i write things involving my favourite character when i’m suffering from anxiety or thinking of certain traumatic experiences or simply experiences of mental health, whether me or a friend, etc. fiction can be a way of escaping so i understand that. we can fantasise about things that will make us happy. that also being said, i’ll be doing my best to not romanticise (e.g. [tw self harm] kissing of self harm scars, etc) for obvious reasons, namely i don’t support it. i hope all of this makes sense and 1. people don’t come for my ass for accepting to write this (i literally wrote a piece to help me cope with something traumatic, this can be the same for anyone) and 2. people don’t get mad if i inaccurately write something by accident. so yeah! let’s all be kind to one another and understanding. to me. to the one who requested this. to anyone who reads and finds comfort, and so forth. sorry for rambling, let’s get into this! i really hope you can find some sort of comfort.

CW/TW: just cause— modern!au. depression, spiralling to a bad version of yourself, mentions of therapy, food, potential self-harm, mental health in general.

Levi:

Levi is the kind of man that is always aware of everything. It just comes naturally to him. He could notice slight shifts to your moods or even if you’re lacking in doing tasks/hobbies you usually do during the day or maybe even the choice in your words if they ever alter when you’re going through a bad episode.

He doesn’t wait when he notices either. Maybe for a few hours if you’re both busy and others are around but the second you’re both alone? He’s asking how you’re feeling. Levi knows not to be overly blunt. If you’re feeling vulnerable and falling back into an episode of depression, Levi thinks blunt honesty would be the last thing you’d want to hear. That and he’s always subtly tender with his words when it comes to you. Even if he masks it well.

So how does he approach you about this? Just like a common way you both connect on most nights. Sitting together in bed or the couch, reading books and cuddling one another. Levi isn’t a huge person on affection but his gestures are there when it comes to you. Heads on each other’s laps. Hair stroking. We all know that Levi loves a good cup of tea but, he also makes teas for you. For this moment, picture Levi handing you a cup of tea when you’re both on the couch. His touch is light as he gently brushes his fingers through your hair, sipping at his tea.

“Y/N. How are you feeling?” - One simple question and his warm gaze are so hard to deny. It’s difficult to lie to Levi in general. If you struggle to tell him or simply avoid it? That’s when Levi would be open about noticing the change in you.

Levi is a firm believer in not letting things fester further. He’d help you book an appointment with your therapist and would reassure you that him helping you with this, is simply because he wants what is best for you and that there is no shame in getting help.

He isn’t confident in being the only one to guide you out of a spiralling moment but it doesn’t mean that booking an appointment means that he’s pushing you away to deal with it. There’s also the internal fear that because he’s not a professional therapist, he can’t help you completely or thoroughly. His main priority is you feeling okay and knowing that he’s here for you.

In fact, he’ll be sitting outside of the room, waiting patiently for as long as the appointment goes for. He won’t push to sit in there either because privacy is important and while you both deeply love each other, maybe you don’t want to express all of your thoughts to him. If you want him with you and it’s allowed, he’d be sitting next to you and staying quiet.

Levi isn’t an openly affectionate person and never really would be. Does it mean he’s against it? Absolutely not. He adores affection when it comes to you. Affection increases more than usual during tough times as another way to show that he’s here for you. Expect lingering hand-holding or cupping the back of your neck and resting his forehead against yours.

He will be making sure you’re still taking care of yourself. If you’re unable to, he’ll help. He’ll make meals for both himself and you. He’ll coax you into showering with him and even help with washing your hair.

Levi, a man of few words, will be often telling you that he’s proud of you for pushing through and not giving up. He has his own moments with mental health and while he can’t directly understand yours, he’s still understanding and empathetic. So no matter what, you know you can talk to him and he’ll listen. He’ll listen and make time to understand and help you with whatever you need.

Levi would take a few days off work and that’s something big when Levi is known to hate taking time off work, whether he’s feeling under the weather or for holidays. To Levi, you’re more important.

(TW Self Harm) - If you happen to be the kind to self-harm, Levi would ask you to be honest with him when you’re having urges and help you find alternative methods to help you cope with it. If it fails, Levi would be the one to patch you up. No kissing of scars or anything. He’s practical but also comforting. He’d tell you that this is only one moment and he thinks you can cope better in the future. Levi doesn’t believe in showing disappointment or that he’s hurt from seeing you in pain. You don’t need that right now. He just wants you to be okay.

Generally, Levi is a very attentive person and is just low-key about it but during these times, I think he’d attempt to make it more obvious, he’d hate for you to think that you can’t go to him to ask for help.

You’ll spend the nights on the couch with him, head resting on his toned thighs and his fingers reassuringly brushing through your hair. He’d put on a show you like, even if he doesn’t like it himself.

Like a small little bakery or cafe? Levi would leave early to pick your favourite dish in the early morning because he thinks you’d feel more motivated to get out of bed and eat something you like.

Overall, Levi is going to be there for you. He’ll be patient and never force you through things but he’ll definitely be suggesting to get help and that he’ll be by your side. Through a variety of action, Levi shows that he loves you and moments like these wouldn’t cause him to pull away. He’s tender with his affection and just overall attentive. He wants the best for you and it pains to see you suffering.

Hell, I can even imagine him talking to your therapist. Not in the sense of trying to find answers and invade your privacy. More of, advice of what to do at home to help you. He knows that taking care of you through low moments would mean encouraging you to get out of bed, to eat and shower but he’d want to see if there is anything else.

Levi would ask about medication and remind you to take them. He’d even sit on the bed, set a glass of water down and the medication. He’d stroke your hair and remind you how much you mean to him.

Levi takes on more of the house chores. You both agree to spread things equally but Levi knows it can be difficult and because he wants you to focus on yourself, he’d pick up. Not that there’s a lot to do since the place is already spotless.

He is one version of comfort for you and he’s willing. Beyond willing because for him, you’re comfort, too. It’s nothing romantic or anything remotely romanticised. As a healthy couple, you’re there for each other. Finding different ways to cope.

As a side note, I think Levi would manage to coax you to leave the apartment for a while and just sit in the park. Nothing else. Just sitting on a bench together and enjoying the scenery. It’s another way of him trying to help you clear your mind ever so slowly.

Honestly, with Levi, I feel like I could go on and on. I just feel strongly that he’d be someone who will stay by your side through your darkest moments because he understands. He is no way in hell would romanticise any of your sufferings and stick to being a form of comfort and be realistic. He’s not going to let you rely on him completely because this is something you need to pull yourself through but again, he’s going to be by your side and be there, encouraging and supporting you. He wants to be someone calm and stable in your life and simply not bring unwanted chaos. Levi is known to be calm and collected and that won’t change.

Jean:

He’s not as ‘aware’ compared to Levi but he’s not an idiot. It just takes him a bit longer.

Jean would notice your change in behaviour but not really understand at first what is going on. It’s not a bad thing, it just means he takes time with trying to see what’s happening.

Jean openly cares about you. Openly expresses his love for you. He’s not afraid. He’s loud. He’s bold. That’s why when it comes to seeing you in pain, it’s loud. Not in the sense that he’d yell at you to tell him. God forbid, he’d never yell at you. Only at Eren, which he jokes about.

Levi tries to not directly ask you unless it’s a necessity. He tries to coax it first before deciding to be firm. Jean? He’s the opposite. Jean will ask you directly and nicely.

“Hey, baby? I feel like something is going on with you and I’m worried. Will you talk to me about it? If not, it’s cool. I’ll understand but maybe we can figure something out together?”

It hurts when he hears the truth is that you’re spiralling and suffering from depression even further. It hurts but he wouldn’t tell you. You feel the pain yourself when you see someone you care about suffering to any kind of degree. Jean is just the same.

The second you open up to him, you’re in his embrace and he’s kissing the top of your head. Jean will tell you that he’s proud of you for finally opening up to him about something so heavy. Jean hates being pressuring and he knows it’s probably a big step to open up that you’re spiralling again worse than usual and need help.

Jean isn’t as knowledgeable but he’s incredibly open-minded. Especially patient when it comes to you. He’d sit you down and ask for ways to help you. Ask what he can do. You might feel exhausted and not really in the talking mood and hey? He gets it.

I don’t know why but one of the things I imagine with Jean wanting to help you out is exercise. I always picture him as a ‘gym junkie’, really appreciates exercising and keeping fit. That being said, when it comes to his partner, Jean has a taste in all kinds of people, including those who don’t necessarily like exercise and is attracted to all body types. That being said, Jean thinks just going outside for a walk could do wonders.

So yeah, he’d hug you from behind, sway side to side and ask if you want to go for a walk in the park, hoping that both some quality time and being outside could help you feel refreshed. Jean isn’t stupid, he knows it won’t magically heal you and make troubles instantly disappear.

If you say no? Completely okay. He’ll ask what you’d prefer to do and do it with you because Jean doesn’t like leaving you alone at the moment.

He’s a little clingy, not that he’d like to admit it. He’s a clingy lover in general, even when you’re not feeling mentally unstable but more so because again, he wants you to be okay. If you asked for some space because you feel a little overwhelmed by things? He’ll happily give it. Jean likes to think of himself as a good boyfriend, just like he thinks of you as a good lover to him. He respects the need for space. That being said, he’d be right around the corner if you need him.

Jean doesn’t want to pressure you to meet up with your therapist because sometimes people have spiralling moments and able to get out of it themselves. Other times? They can’t. He’d definitely want to suggest it, though. A few times.

Spontaneous visits to animal cafes. Sounds ridiculous but Jean hears animals make people happy, you know? So whether you prefer dogs, cats, bunnies or hell, even goats. He’d take you out to a cafe and sit down. All of the animals would be very excited to see you and maybe you’ll love it. Jean thinks that small gestures like this could ease your heart, even if it’s only a little. Just imagine a puppy being obsessed with licking off Jean’s face too, ahh.

As said, it’s the little things in life that Jean thinks he could help with and both of you find appreciation in them. He’s no professional. He knows that but if he can show that he loves you and hoping that you being taken care of in some manners helps you? Then he’s even more eager. Jean will run you warm bubble baths and settle in the tub with you from behind. Both of you could just relax and enjoy each other’s company.

(TW Self-harm) He doesn’t know if you do it nor wants to push you for answers but he’d gently ask you to call him if you’re having urges just so he can help you cope with distraction techniques. “Did you see that uh— what the hell is called again.. TikTok I sent you? That dog, right? God, I think we should get a pet. I’d be a good dad. Let’s talk about pets. Breathing alright? Yeah? Good. So personally, I wanna adopt from the pound.” - Absolutely random but it works.

Jean believes in being there for each other and communicating so really, don’t feel pressured or upset if he regularly checks up on how you’re feeling or if there is anything he can do.

Jean is a mixture of keeping things calm for you, being a soothing presence in your life and being upbeat and helping you get out of the house. He’d want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself as best as you can, or at least let him allow you to help out.

Overall, both of them would be attentive and show how much they care about you. They’d be showing you that they care in general but, it’s more evident and less subtle. They’d understand that depression isn’t defining who you are but can sadly take control of life spontaneously. What is important to know is that even though they’re not professional therapists who can properly advise you, they’ll still be there and loving. You can tell them anything and they’ll listen. Anything to help you feel a shred of comfort through a difficult moment in your life. If it happens more than once? They don’t mind, so long as you’ll be okay and not give up on yourself. Any kind of relationship with them will always be healthy. You take care of each other and so in return, you won’t be completely alone.

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#fae; request.#fae's writing #fae; message.#fae; anon.#fae; headcanons.#fae; jean.#fae; my love.#levi; writing.#aot headcanons #anime headcanons #levi headcanons #jean headcanons #tw depression #tw self-harm #tw therapy #tw mental health #i hope this is okay anon

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tintentrinkerin · 4 years ago

Text

Cathartic Arrest

Rating: Mature

Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester

Characters: Michael (Supernatural), Minor Characters

Additional Tags: Post-Hell Dean Winchester, Post-Lucifer’s Cage Sam Winchester, Dubious Consent, Caning, Codependent Winchesters (Supernatural), It’s all about inflicting and receiving punishment, Jealousy

Summary: ”Sam needs to cope with memories of Lucifer’s abuse. Dean is still trying to cope with this time as torture Master in Hell.

And he’s JEALOUS.”

Word Count 1,793

READ HERE OR ON AO3

Sam was still shaking when he got back to the bunker. He had taken his time before he came back home, but still. This time, it had all been different. She had to help him back into his pants, his shirt, even tuck his shirt in, help him ground himself; when he still didn’t come down from what just happened, she made him sit in her “calm room” as she called it.

She gave him food, good food. Fruits. Pineapple, strawberries, vanilla infused yoghurt. Juices of passion fruit and apples, bread with butter and some lean chicken tenders. He could choose whatever music he wanted, but all he ever would choose was hard rock – the music of his childhood, part of his youth and part of Dean. The music in his ears, usually is of a different, much more intense nature. He’d tried pop. One Direction. Too happy. He’d tried Nu Metal. He was too old to bounce back into his emo stage, also known as his years at Stanford. He had tried all kinds of metal. Trash, Death, Melodic, Symphonic. Nightwish. Later Aesthetic Perfection. All good music, quality wise. But nothing was ever louder than the noises in his head. The crying of baby Sam Winchester, inner-child Sam Winchester. Traumatized and angry and helpless.

Only the noise of a cane meeting his skin, his ass, his legs, even his feet, his own painful cries, the muffled grunts, the thank you’s and the yes'es, the reenactment of his shame, would silence the child. It’d been rough today. The wax on his chest left pink swollen spots, the cane beat him bloody this time.

“I can stop, aye?” she said.

“No, Mistress. Don’t. I want it to bleed.”

She’s not his Domme and he’s not her slave. He isn’t that twisted in his mind to reenact the power exchange, his own powerlessness. Michael watching. Michael. That god forsaken coward.

Sam was still shaking when he started Baby’s engine, slowly rolling away from the place he visits when pressing on his scar stops working. And it’s been working less and less and less. Until nothing else will help but being beaten up by someone to finally overcome the pain, the helplessness, the feeling of being weak and useless. Sam Winchester might be broken, but he still can take a beating without crying.

Dean hates liars. Which is kind of, let’s say hypocritical, given his nature, his past. He lied to Sam about hell, he lied about the deal, he constantly lies to the only person who will probably never leave him. Because even if Sam does leave, he always comes back. He won’t even die for good. Dean doesn’t, Sam doesn’t. They’re here, two moons in this earth’s gravitational pull, doomed to circle each other; the forces of nature keeping them in place but always keeping them apart.

It's one of those days when Sam says he’s about to go jogging, but since when does he have to drive fifty miles to some secluded forest area to jog when they're in the literal middle of nowhere? Dean has seen Sam in the showers. They have their privacy here, both want that or pretend to, but the showers are group showers, long lines of shower heads like in school gyms. They usually lock the doors, so why, this one time, does Sam not lock himself up like he used to? Dean knows about the nightmares, the triggers, the sudden flashbacks and the pressing of Sam’s thumb against the palm of his cut hand. He noticed cuts, deep cuts around Sam’s wrists, that never heal because he keeps on scratching off the scab. The bleeding never stops.

Dean decides that today, enough is enough. He knows this trauma, he was in Hell too. He tortured innocent people, he tortured Bela fucking Talbot. A woman he really respected in the end, though he sugar coated it with cunt-y behaviour. He’s seen so many faces twisted in pain and agony – and all they do in the end? – cry for mama. They cry for their fucking mother, and Sam? Dean wonders who he cried for in the Cage?

Sam is packed up in his “jogging outfit” and he’s about to leave, when Dean gets up from his armchair in the library.

“Where ya goin’, Sammy?”

He jumps.

“Jesus, don’t scare me, man. Really? I’m going jogging.”

“There’s a whole ass forest in front of the batcave, Sam. Why not go there?”

Sam looks down and Dean knows, he’s angry. He’s angry because Dean caught him in his damn lie and there’s no good way out of it.

“I have a jogging buddy over there,” Sam clears his throat, his whole body is tense. Ready to run. Wherever.

“Ah, jogging buddy, I see. Lemme guess, their name is Mistress Lana and he looks bomb in tracksuits.”

Sam is about to erupt and he grows, his posture straightens and he yells. “This is private Dean, you have no, absolutely NO right to spy after me like a--”

“Like a what?”

“Like a fucking jealous wife who caught me in an affair?”

Dean falls silent, but his body, pure, condensed power, anger, fear, slams his arm against Sam’s throat and presses him to the wall.

“It is exactly like that. You drive an hour to see a dominatrix, to what? You become a subby bootlicker all of a sudden? You like that?”

Sam’s nostrils flare and damn, now Dean is on freakin’ thin ice. He is so goddamn jealous of this woman giving Sam something that Dean would give him freely. And happily. He would give him the relief he needs.

“Don’t talk like that!” Sam hisses, trying to wind himself out of Dean’s grip but he’s still sore from the last time Lana tied him up like a Christmas present and hung him on the wall like a pig-half at the butcher’s. Sam loved the marks of the rough rope, loved the feeling of just hanging there, floating, the ground beneath him so far away, the rock bottom so far…“You have no idea how I feel!”

Dean’s head tilts to the side. “I tortured people in Hell, Sam. I know how to make you feel the worst pain of your life – but I can also give you the greatest relief. I can show you mercy, because that’s what you really want. Isn’t it?”

Sam finally breaks free and attacks Dean, one hit after another, breaks Dean’s nose, gives him a black eye, and it only stops when Dean lands a blow right over Sam’s kidney – he staggers back.

“I deserve the pain,” Sam wheezes. “I don’t rely on anyone’s mercy.”

Dean drags him up and brings Sam, who is suddenly so pliant, to his room. What no one has ever known about is the secret door. Dean’s not a witch, Sam would be a great one, but Dean managed to hide a tiny little torture chamber behind his room. Sam fights, he insults Dean. Dean knows, yes he knows, it’s Sam’s way of provoking him and, kind of, making Dean stop.

Sam knows that, when he came back from Hell, Dean fucked around even more than before he’d died –but no one ever saw him with the girls, the submissive ones, the broken little dolls he found. This is Deam’s coping. Reenacting Hell.

Sam clings on to Dean when he’s tied to the bench, naked. Sam is still black and blue, some of his bruises had turned green-yellowish already but no one should hurt him there again. These bruises would take ages to heal, if they’re lucky, without a doctor needed. Sam isn’t fighting anymore, he’s crying.

“Please Dean, take it off of me. Please… I can’t… Take it OFF!”

“I can’t”, Dean says, gently, brushing away Sam’s tears.“Does she fuck you?”

A gasp. “What? Why--?”

“Simple question, Sammy. Does. She. Fuck you?”

Sam nods, hiding his face in his hair and pressing his forehead against the padding.

“I can’t spank you in this condition. You have to heal. Why would you go to that woman when you’re still so roughed up?”

“Why do you care?”Sam’s voice is so thin. Little, scared Sammy, and there was no one in the Cage to save him from what happened.

“Sammy.” Is all Dean says.

“My Sammy.”

Dean is not like that. He loves Sammy, and he would do a lot, but he won’t do That.

Dean’s favorite is his cane. Rattan. Unpeeled. Sam endures several hard blows, in a staccato, a rhythm other people would faint from. But Sammy is strong, and he wants to be broken.

WANTS

BROKEN

And Dean is giving him that. He can think of the girls and boys in Hell while doing it, like he’s not the one inflicting this pain on Sam, but it feels so damn good. Purging. Sam’s cries and whimpers, his yells and finally, finally, when Dean is about to lose control and maul Sam alive – there’s the one Sammy would cry for.

“Dean.”

A gasp. The blows stop. Blood dripping down Sam’s legs.

“Dean.”

Again.

“Sammy..”

So gentle. So tender. So silent.

“Dean, I want to go home….” and that is truly when Sam is broken, the last bastion of his mind, his pride, his goddamn pride is stripped from him. He babbles, he cries, snot and tears and gulps, he even chokes on his cries. “I want to be home with Dean, please hold me, Dean, take me home, Dean…”

Dean dissolves. His own trauma resolves for a minute. He knows, it will never fully go away, he will never heal. But.

“Sammy. I’m here, Sammy. Come here. I’ll take you home, my baby brother. I’m here.”

“Dean, I love you”, Sam chokes out. It could be anything. It could be nothing.

“Sammy, I love you more.”

Dean leans onto Sam’s heaving, still tied up body, sweat and blood, tears, the sobs. When Dean releases Sam from the restraints and carries him to a sofa, he huddles up in Dean's lap. Like a newborn. Overwhelmed with the world outside, sobbing and crying for Dean. Dean is here, holding him tight. Offering him water and more blankets.

Lucifer has never been closer, but Dean has blown him away from Sam. He made Sam just forget for a while. It’s so fucked up, but he can live with fucked up. As long as it’s with Sam and Sam never, fucking never, goes to a whore again when he can have everything from Dean.

Dean will do anything for Sam.

“Dean…”

“I’m here. You’re home.”

»And I will never let you go.«

@laxe-chester67 @deanking @vulgar-library @writethelifeyouwant @itsabookishblog @schaefchenherde @sacrificialtendencies @cloudesworld @all-4-wincest @ohnoitsthebat @rpsocsandcanonohmy @stemroses @nightmarecait @lostmykiliel @alexa-alcantara @wincestismyheart @closetedshippers @dragonardhill @alex-is-a-gay-human

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#wincest #sam and dean #hell trauma #cage trauma #sin is sinning

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ugh-againwiththenames · 3 years ago

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A Musical Social Experiment...Destiel.

Alright, so I thought to myself, while playing along with @thenightwemetnatural‘s Destiel song picks, that despite my musical tastes, and them tending typically (although not exclusively) towards the Metal genres, that EVERY song can in some way, be paralleled to Destiel. This is such a ridiculous experiment, and I apologize, but I’m at the cottage, and it’s fucking pouring with rain, so let’s play…

Here are the rules: take your Music library and throw it on Shuffle – every song that comes on for an hour(ish), connect it to Destiel...(below the cut for my results).

You can access the playlist here (if you have any interest in listening along!). I am not going to necessarily describe every possible connection - I think that a lot of them are SUPER obvious...like *eyes rolling out of my head* obvious...

In the End – Black Veil Brides – Well we’re off to a hell of a start, as this song from start to finish screams Destiel and sacrifice. In the end As my soul's laid to rest What is left of my body Or am I just a shell? And I have fought And with flesh and blood I commanded an army Through it all I have given my heart for a moment of glory Who will remember this last goodbye 'Cause it's the end and I'm not afraid I'm not afraid to die A Modern Way - The Exies – only on song 2, and it’s once again, really hard to cut out any of this song, as the repeating “I’m bound by my insecurities” SCREAMS Dean at me.

I’m Bound by my insecurities

Open your eyes and Throw your arms around me I need the right not to fight To breathe

Swallow the lies I'm the one to blame Having no voice left to choose Am i so blind, feeling justified When i'm alone and confused

Brother – NEEDTOBREATHE – I have to laugh…as I added this after watching Jensen sing this at a Con (for J*red), and no lie, I’m in LOVE with it, but it’s somehow now determinably connected to the brothers for me but I can/WILL draw the lines here…EASY.

Everybody needs someone beside em’ shining like a lighthouse from the sea Face down in the desert now there’s a cage locked around my heart I found a way to drop the keys where my failures were Now my hands can’t reach that far I ain’t made for a rivalry I could never take the world alone I know that in my weakness I am strong, but It’s your love that brings me home Summoners Rift – Dangerkids – Um. Well. The first line of this song just made me laugh out loud.

There's no room for martyrs in a dying scene Well I'm not quite dead I'm something in between

And if I had another chance I would tell you

I guess I'm not afraid of what comes after We are the only ones We stand alone in the dark

Question everything you blindly follow Truth's a bitter pill, it's hard to swallow You think you're winning but your time is borrowed We are the only ones We stand alone in the dark

Royal Beggars - Architects - I mean…the repetition of my sentiments is going to get a bit silly…so i will not. read on...

All hope is dead, but we're coping

Somebody save our souls

Like a bird in a cage, trying to fly away Is this the price that we have to pay? Overflowing with rage, yet we still obey 'Cause we're asleep in a hurricane

We sit on a throne, waiting for God to bend the knee But we're nothing more than royal beggars

Edge of your Bed - Thousand Below - “why’d you have to go and keep calling out my name” Calling out my name” pure purgatory “where’s the ANGEL” “I prayed to you Cas, Every night” The rest of the next verse is also poignant, very Dean again “where I can only feel peace when the wave hits”, “and I’ve become what I thought was wrong, I love the feeling when it feels too strong”.

Why'd you have to go and keep calling out my name? Calling out my name

I found sorrow at the edge of your bed

Is it now a bad habit? Where I can only feel peace when the wave hits And I've become what I thought was wrong I love the feeling when it feels too strong

Animals – Siamese - “It takes a killer that thinks he’s a saint, it takes believing to be this insane” – well. yes. ok.

Shattered not broken We stand our feet Houses rebuild on These bloody streets I fill my lungs into this beat With closed eyes we're hoping for remedy

It takes a killer That thinks he's a saint It takes believing To be this insane

Spineless Crow - Hands Like Houses

We were young together but I've grown ancient Cracked and weathered and filled with regret Waiting to sink, rushing to sink in my sleep

The realization sinks in through the skin Like a disease, a blight inside of me Missing your touch, your weight on my fingers

My Underworld - Tonight Alive

Now we sail into deep blue storm clouds Overhead now, strangely I feel at peace as I dive into My underworld, world I dive into my underworld, world Down in these depths I'm adding up the numbers Of all I've suffered in past lives, tied down in the darkness Finally I begin to learn what I've returned tonight Time has come to begin again, leave something else behind

Ever After - Marianas Trench - All this talk of being someone’s disaster – Welp! Hello!

Don't you move Can't you stay where you are, just for now I could be your perfect disaster You could be my ever after

Apologies, I'm not myself but I can guarantee That when I get back, you won't believe That you knew me well Don't want to think about it

I'm fuckin' tired of getting sick about it Now stand back up and be a man about it And fight for something, fight for something, fight for something Nobody told ya this is gonna fold ya We go marching in like toy soldiers To have and hold ya over sold ya They’re marching like toy soldiers I'll be your disaster, ever after So fire away Goodbye

Room 138 - Asking Alexandria - While this song is clearly actually about an overdose of some kind, it’s parallels shockingly well to the post confession scene. So these are the walls that have to hold this moment Somebody hear me, someone open up the door Get me up off of this floor and stop the shaking, the shaking Through the haze I saw a face A second chance, another life to live How did you forgive me? Held my head against your chest Told me everything's alright, don't be afraid Close your eyes and rest

Witness – Daughtry

Does it feel like you're just wasting time Here without a reason or a rhyme The answer you've been looking for Is standing right before your weary eyes And if the weight of the world is on you now But you know you can turn it all around again How Many Walls - Rise Against - Guys, seriously, I’m not even going there...How many years have we wasted….how many walls can you put up? How many guns til you feel safe? This is a song about war – this is Rise Against, this is purely political and somehow can STILL be pulled together with Destiel.

How many walls can you put up?

How many guns 'til you feel safe? How many times can we watch this story Over and over and over again? And how many years have we wasted Counting the lies that we've been fed? For something to change we have waited Over and over and over again Pray – Picturesque - Nope. Don’t even need a description here. Once again this is FAR TOO OBVIOUS!

I should pray a little more and think a little less The devils in my head and he won't let me rest Everyday just like the last since you up and left I should pray a little more, I shouldn't pray for death I Knew You Were Trouble – We Came as Romans (Swift Cover) - SwiftNatural is a thing for a reason…

It's like a kaleidoscope of memories. It just all comes back. But he never does. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright. But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel

I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him. It was losing me. Once upon a time, a few mistakes ago I was in your sights, you got me alone You found me

I knew you were trouble when you walked in (you were right there, you were right there) So shame on me now Flew me to places I'd never been Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground Texas Is Forever - Pierce the Veil – lack of communication anyone? I don’t know, do we know anyone like that? If anything should happen to me I want you to know, I’ve loved you since ever…

Here we are If anything should happen to me I want you to know I've loved you since ever since then Don't dance around me I know what it means No communication, cannot be received But I'm such a sucker for the rain, yeah Oh, here we are Butterfly - Wearing Scars – the Butterfly/Angel parallel alone…go with it.

Seems we're alone We're fixated Just waiting for something As time goes by And when we're way up high We'll look back down with different eyes Let's take our time Awake this life So spread your wings And take my hand Tonight will be the end

With Grace - The Weight of Atlas

This place looks like hell to me I cast myself into the sea Picked up my conscience and left my disease I don't know, I don't know if I can make it through this storm Keep your eyes shut it will be okay. Will we make it out alive? Will we make it out alive. When all you have is hope I will be your anchor I know that I can let you down But I swear I'll pick up the pieces. And be reborn again I Always Wanted to Leave - The Plot In You

I guess it's a shame I'm so damn destructive And you're so reluctant to mean what you say The way you act so abused The things you confuse You know I always wanted to leave "Hello... You can sing, I'm here And I love you more than anyone or anything With all my heart."

Unsteady - X Ambassadors – just a stay parallel. Don’t leave, don’t let go. If you love me. Don’t let go. #I haz the sads.

Hold on to me 'Cause I'm a little unsteady If you love me Don't let go Bury Me Alive - Normandie – pick a line – ANY LINE!!!

I guess I'm not going to heaven now I got caught in the chase Now I'm falling from grace But I never stood a chance Could've given me a sign I'd be giving you blind obedience Mantra – Bring Me The Horizon Before the truth will set you free, it will piss you off Before you find a place to be, you're gonna lose the plot Too late to tell you now, one ear and right out the other one 'Cause all you ever do is chant the same old mantra Could I have your attention, please? It's time to tap into your tragedy Think you could use a new abuser Close your eyes and listen carefully Imagine you're stood on a beach Water gently lapping at your feet And now you're sinking, what were you thinking? That's all the time we have this week

Oh Lord - In This Moment – cutting any of this out was actually hard. Cas, my love, are you there?

Oh Lord won't you save me Save me from my soul Oh Lord won't you forgive me For I have lost control Oh Lord won't you tell me Am I the righteous or the damned? Oh Lord won't you please hear me Do I obey or do I command? Oh Lord please forgive me For what I'm about to do Oh Lord won't you believe me I'll burn in hell for you Oh Lord won't you teach me Teach me how to see Oh Lord tell me you love me Am I Lillith or am I Eve?

Bleeding is a Luxury - Atreyu

I’ve talked the talk, I've walked the walk, It's taken ten fucking years, For them to see I don't need their approval. I've paid the piper, I've stayed my course, Lived chomping at the bit. With only blood, sweat, and tears to adhere to- Take it for granted, Forsake the costs, Wear a big, shit-eating grin (with only blood, sweat, and tears to adhere to) Now bear the burden to chase your fate Grind your teeth 'til it fucking hurts So they can see I don't need their approval. Seize the day, Take your beatings, Lead the way, Or decay as you fall down... You fall down.

Would you Still be There - Of Mice & Men – wow, this song in full. All of it. I can’t.

If I could find the words, if I could shake the world, If I could turn back time would you still be there? I can't stop thinking about the way I left you sinking with no escape. Now there's no lifeline, no way to save. But maybe next time I won't throw it all away. Dislocated, I lie awake Suffocating in my mistakes. I lost my halo when I fell from grace, But maybe next time I won't throw it all away. I ask myself everyday... If I could find the words, if I could shake the world, If I could turn back time would you still be there? If I could find the words to say, If I could shake the world to break you down, Then would you still be there?

The Broken - 3 Doors Down

This is the call to the broken, the broken Take it from me. They don't care if you're lonely. As you can see, They don't care if you're scared. Your heart Is the only friend you have in this whole world. Don't start, Think you can do this yourself. I know what you're thinking. You say you're tired of keeping score, keeping score. Trust me, You're not the only one going through this. You see, I've been through this before, this before.

Wow, I Hate This Song - The Used – this one took a little imagination – hardest one so far – because it really is just about hating a song! So we’re HC’ing the Zepp track that reminds Dean most of Cas, post Empty.

Every time I hear the key I see you in the melody It never was a part of me Heart feels like it's being stabbed Kills me emotionally Dirty Little Secret - Bullet For My Valentine – let’s take this back to – take your pick…Leviathan!Cas, Godstiel, Casifer, any of the times that Cas did the wrong thing for the right reasons…and did not tell his boy.

There once was a time Where everything was just so perfect Now everything has changed And you've become a total stranger I've seen another side to you I never even knew existed Dirty little secrets, dirty little secrets Giving in to your primal instincts There once was a time When anything I do is for you But everything has changed And I've become a lonely prisoner I'd kill, even die for you You never even tried resisting

Kill Plan - Parabelle

I'm sitting stunned just like a lesson I never learned Made of emotions and mistakes And what you say Leaves me lost and in the way And that's the place you stay Remember silence Now we're painted into corners So we can watch the world get sold out Hold me closer don't let the sun in Hold me closer don't let the sun in Cuz the setting sun feels like a cage Don't let me defend the kill plan

Roman Sky – Avenged Sevenfold – This song only has a few lyrics, but we can definitely make them work.

As the embers rose through the Roman Sky Tell me, were you calm when they took your life? Just before you go, tell us how the heavens flow Weightless evermore, as you walk beyond that door Shine forever true To Those Left Behind – blessthefall – these boys might be my favourite band ever, but these are ANGRY lyrics – these are about betrayal. This is a relationship gone wrong. I feel these best work with the divorce arc, the Angry Dean that we see, or Dean’s mood after any of the “Cas fucked up again” moments. You found me at my worst When I was far too weak to grow In spite of all my fears And how I may have lost my way Only now I know the truth

Awake and coming clean

If you can't sleep It's your conscience That's eating away At the mess you made So let's end this Sew this last stitch Lift this weight off my chest I'll put you to rest The past should stay dead

How did we find ourselves here? Haunted by our own design With everything that's come to pass Makes it harder to confine

#supernatural #destiel #dean #cas #spotify #song challenge #i challenge you to do the same #can you also connect dots?#why was this so EASY #I guess 12 years of pining helped #so much possible material to draw on #look I was bored and music is my thing #this is dumb but it was also really kind of fun #I love these two idiots

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that-crazy-five-foot-two-chick · 3 years ago

Note

You ready? Cuz ITS FRIDAY WHOO!!

This week I am asking what is one (or a few) of your favorite lines of dialogue that you've written? :D

So this turned into an actual database of excerpts that took me half a day to compile but have at it (some that come from very earnest parts of my heart and a lot that just make me cackle):

Kitten:

"I don't know or care what you're implying about me, you jerk, but you can keep your nose out of Al's business." Ed's voice softened. "Anyone that innocent, especially after all we've been through, deserves to be able to stay that way."

[Ling] "You wound me so, Edward! Where was the kinship we shared when we ate your boot?"

You Infect Me:

[it's so freaking dumb but you gotta give me points for creativity]

[Saeyoung] He grabbed a bottle and a bag and took a running start. He leapt like February 29th! Spun like a silkworm! And flopped like diving flippers! Onto the couch.

“What have you been doing all day anyway? Hacking into government files? Destroying the world one cat at a time?” Saeran shuddered. “Making those stupid TokTik videos?”

Saeran rolled his eyes. "Just get in the shower. Maybe when you get your pants off, you can get on the toilet and relieve some of that emotional constipation."

Blind Trust:

"HOLY FUDGE NUGGETS ON BACON ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME???" [MC]

[innuendo ahead; MC and Vanderwood]

"Do I otherwise have to wear anything in particular? That's not a lot to go off of."

"Doesn't matter to me. Now go change before I do the job myself."

"I wouldn't complain."

"This is not that kind of date! Go!"

"Fine, Sir Panties-in-a-bunch."

[Vanderwood and MC, after sassing]

"Such a docile wife I have. Never difficult, never demanding."

"You think it's sexy. Don't even try to deny it."

"I would have filed for immediate divorce if the description 'docile' actually fit you."

"...I've long come to the realization that every person is hardwired to desire love of one kind or another. I know I'm still unlearning all of my coping mechanisms, and I know I'm still sharp with some people, but with you?" [Vanderwood] smoothed a hair back from her face. "I'll take whatever love you can give me."

MC cackled. "You cannot be serious. I've got to be a mess right now."

"You act as if that's a contradiction. It's the mess that makes you more beautiful."

"Shame indeed," MC parroted, trying to steal another kiss from his lips and stealing one from his nostrils instead.

"You think you can charm your way out of anything," MC responded airily. "Well, you're right."

"Vandy…" She exhaled. "We've gone over this whole 'not deserving it' thing. Whether you deserve it or not doesn't matter. To me, what matters is your heart. You have such a beautiful heart, Vandy."

Waste It on Me: [spoilers for anyone who hasn't read it, but it's one of my top favorites]

Vanderwood growled in frustration. "Why is it so hard for you to believe that you deserve good things and that those things aren't unrealistic?" He ran a hand through his hair. "Why do you think it's such a waste of your time if you know what you want and what you don't want and if it could make you happy?"

"Because I've lived over a quarter of a century and not seen it once, Vanderwood!" Her voice broke. "Not once."

He gritted his teeth. "Fine then, MC. Fine. If love is nothing more than just a waste of your time, why not waste it on me?"

Golden Eyes and Golden Drinks:

[Winry re: Edward] "Who's off-brand Gerard Way in the corner?"

[Winry and Edward]

"I'm trying very, very hard to keep this to a stage whisper, but if you keep trying to set me up with some random creep, I won't be able to!"

A distinctly male voice grumbled, "I'm not a creep."

"Keep telling that to the girls on Tinder. I'm sure they'll understand eventually."

"Yeah, and I'll bet if you look at your 'Live, Laugh, Love' sign a little more, you'll understand it eventually."

[Ed and Winry; I'm proud of this one for the ADHD rep]

And for your information, coffee doesn't really help me wake up. It just helps me focus on homework." He lifted up his empty cup and gave it a shake.

"That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard."

"ADHD is a weird thing, and yet, here I am."

I Want Your Lips More Than Your Repair Bills: [Winry POV]

But maybe, just maybe, kissing Edward would make him forget the scars on his heart. Just for a moment. His smile was like the noonday sun, and she would get to feel it pressed against her own lips. In the end, his happiness might just be the real reward.

Elric Escorts: (including all my chapter titles)

As [Edward] looked through the front door, three thoughts jumped to the forefront of his mind:

Holy mother of Jesus, she's gorgeous.

Being the kid of a former pastor really takes a toll on your use of expletives.

How does a woman so small carry a bag so gigantic and heavy?

[Winry and Ed]

"The plating design seems awfully familiar though...what company made your leg?"

"It was actually some local hag. Name's Pinako Rockbell."

"WHAT?"

"Alright, alright, geez, I'm sorry I called her a hag. She's always on my case for every little thing, though."

Winry's expression of utter shock remained unchanged.

"Is it that I go to an independent outfitter? I would have thought that you'd be more understanding, considering your family business and all."

Winry finally spoke up. "No, it's not that. Pinako Rockbell is my grandmother. Granny and I run the family business. So yeah. I'm Winry Rockbell."

[Alphonse, to Edward]

"Or, you know, I could just send myself your cringiest selfies to use for blackmail. Fyi, angling them from below doesn't make you look taller. It just makes you look like a Facebook mom."

[Mei] "I just like the idea of stabbing people for a living," she said, looking up at Al sweetly.

Alphonse snickered. "The cat's name is Jeff?"

The corners of Mei's mouth twitched. "Jeff Bezos, actually."

"What?" Al laughed incredulously.

"The owners have a peculiar sense of humor. The way they explained it to me, they thought that the idea of telling a billionaire to stop pooping on the carpet was amusing."

The aforementioned cat was vastly uninterested in discussing their shared past, finding herself more keen on making sure a certain giant stranger was worthy of their presence. The intruder held out a hand smelling suspiciously of her best friend's makeup. Maybe he stole some! Xiao Mei bravely came to her friend's defense, biting the giant's hand as hard as she could. Alas! He barely even flinched!

Basically, any AlMei that I've written are my favorite lines.

If anyone got through all of this, I applaud you but also wonder what the heck you're doing with your life. You must really like my writing for some reason.

#my fic #my writing #hopebunny #ffwf #fma fic #mysme fic #mysme vanderwood #edwin #almei #mysme seven

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ksbwnotes · 3 years ago

Text

Chapter 8, Part 2

*groans in hands* I have to finish reading everything by September 14. I have no clue if I have the drive for this, but fuck me for having more determination to read this than any of my nursing books...

1. ...So it...wasn’t because...he was killing his prey???

Oh my god I hate that smirk on your face Sangstop.

But...now that does make me wonder if this is true and to what extent it’s true. Bum has been picturing Sangwoo slicing into women while he was downstairs and we also see Sangwoo’s hands often damp. So honestly, installing that pulley can’t be the only things he does there.

Actually now that I think about it, the dampness is more from having to clean the basement and making sure there’s no residue from the woman that he killed. He’s very thorough.

But...that pulley. Maybe he really did install that just in case? He’s starting to use methods he has never did before. Because he has an outlier in his life now that he never expected. So he needs different types of punishments whenever Bum steps out of line, things that won’t break Bum completely like blades and sledgehammers will. If he’s going to keep Bum by his side and properly train him, then he can’t keep using the same methods he uses to kill his victims.

Because, ultimately, he doesn’t want to kill Bum. (later on, when he does decide he’ll kill Bum, we see him reach a new level of destruction that he wasn’t capable of earlier. He had to break more in order to reach that point. So, losing Bum made Sangwoo lose whatever little hope he had and, metaphorically, killing Bum means Sangwoo is killing whatever hope he had)

2. *wince* yep

God your reactions are delayed, but...yeah.

Sangwoo’s first reaction was to treat Bum favorably with a little kiss. To show that, yes, that’s one of the correct actions Bum could’ve taken--one of the ways to change his mind. But 1) Bum still came onto him sexually. Sex seems more of a trigger for Sangwoo (honestly, I think 99% of the women Sangwoo has slept with have died lol). 2) If Sangwoo let Bum have his way, then Bum will have the upperhand and he can’t have that. This is about making sure Bum knows what he did wrong and that he won’t do it again.

So even if a part of him does like what Bum did, it’s not something he can overall accept.

Oh one thing about his delayed reactions...it might be another coping mechanism of his? As a way to build up resistance to what he’s about to do. Whenever he does something impulsively, you see him lose it. But when he takes the time to do things, his expression is more dead-eyed than wild-eyed.

3. Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars

But i still can’t help but laugh lsjg;ijeog

Also, Bum, please...just...connect the dots faster please...but one notable thing about his character is that he doesn’t. While Sangwoo experiences delays in understanding, Bum disconnects entirely from the reality. Koogi keeps this trait of his goddang consistent.

4. Wait what the fuck

This is...worse than cutting??? You can literally snap someone’s neck with the force of pulling them up straight from the ground. How is this supposed to be a better option?? Also, lets be real, Bum’s trachea would’ve been done in by the force of this. Honestly, I’m surprised Bum’s jaw is fine. Fkk, what about the SPINE, HUH SANGWOO!!??!?!? The fact that Bum’s still able to even speak afterwards and does not have burn marks from the rope is...is whyyyyy this is a piece of fiction, Aetas, not real life sjgo;erjg.

Anyways, okay, so Koogi must have chosen this as Sangwoo’s alternative for a reason and I do think Sangwoo believes this is genuinely a better option. Even though, just speaking from personal experience dealing with patients, they always respond more dramatically to airway closure than blood loss.

If I think about my earlier idea, he uses violence not really as a sexual outlet (though, probably at this point, he doesn’t know how to get off without--at the very least--being rough and treating his partner as an object), but as a way to hurt people in the way he has perceived them hurting him. The bonus is giving them bruises and scars that he can see--visible marks for the invisible pain they’ve given him. It’s...validating for him, maybe?

So, this way, Bum is still suffering and being punished for making Sangwoo ‘suffer’, but won’t have visible marks. In this way, this is less validating for Sangwoo because there’s no “proof” of pain, so Sangwoo perceives it as less painful. Because he’s a fucking asshole and that’s putting it too kindly (lol Sangwoo worsening instead of getting better and dying at the end is literally the only reason why I decided to read this and why I respect Koogi).

Also, from what I see later, Sangwoo knows for how long he can hold Bum there without him dying. So I’m not sure who the hell he is tried this on...says me who literally used fkkn google to research how long it takes for someone to pass out from hanging. Which can range anywhere from 3 seconds to 1.5 minutes. So. It varies lol.

Ohhhh also this is much faster than cutting Bum open. That probably could’ve taken half an hour to even more than that if Sangwoo went that route. But with hanging, Sangwoo knows it can only go for so long, which is why he doesn’t go for more than one session of this. Bum can suffer for either 30 seconds via a very acute session of asphyxiation or he can suffer for thirty minutes or more via cutting.

Ohhh this is actually very smart of Sangwoo. I can see now why he chose this. He understands that hanging is much scarier and will make the victim really feel like they’re gonna die. So, this explains why Sangwoo decided to set this up for Bum. Because he believes only Bum would be able to prove that, yes, Sangwoo can choose the alternative because he won’t hurt Sangwoo past the point of no return (in a way, death for the victim means that Sangwoo can no longer forgive them because the pain they gave him is just as bad as death).

5. I don’t have anything to back this up, I really don’t, BUT--

Even though Sangwoo is smiling like an insane freak, it...kind of seems like he’s emulating all the hollywood serial killers we’ve seen on TV. People who are doing this smile like they’re truly enjoying life and blah blah blah. Honestly, Koogi probably means Sangwoo to be like this, like the classic serial killer that gets off other people’s pain.

But for me, it’s like Sangwoo is acting a part. Again, the eyeless thing. Sangwoo is taking on a persona--rather than truly allowing his brain to be present, to think about the situation for himself--that is meant to enjoy this just for the sake of it.

I also don’t think Sangwoo ever goes into these things planning to kill his victims right then and there. Like, right now, I don’t think he’s planning to actually hang Bum to his death. I can assume Sangwoo has done enough research to know when to stop so that they don’t actually die (but again, it will depend on how his victim responds to the hanging).

Because Sangwoo keeps giving Bum (and all his other victims) a chance. He probably gave CEO girl a chance right before deciding to kill her because, unlike Bum, she kept screaming and begging for her life. That is why Bum won. Because he proved worthy of a ‘second chance’.

And back to not wanting to actually kill them, that’s because killing them means he’s alone again. I honestly think he’s only doing this to people he has genuinely felt attached to in some way. He wants them to save him. To say, no, he’s not a monster, that he’s still worthy of being loved, that the way his mother loved him is not the type of love he deserves.

If they’re unable to save him, then that means they’ll only destroy him. And, so, he must get rid of them first before that happens.

6. Seriously no hands why the fuck and what the fuck Sangwoo

Okay, this is gonna be a loooooong one.

And this ties in with my idea about how Sangwoo never actually goes in with the conscious plan to kill his victims (this is very similar to how Bum goes in thinking of one thing, but his actions end up suggesting something entirely different).

It’s like he ends up killing them as a reaction to what they did

Similar to someone shooting a home invader dead and having it be self-defense

Also, this acts as a mitigating technique to avoid any guilt he feels

I think this also ties in to why Sangwoo doesn’t ‘plan’ things too deeply and just takes things step by step

Because the more he thinks about what he’s doing, the less he’s able to see himself as a human.

In a way, Sangwoo’s guilt and shame is driving him to do things that just worsen his guilt and shame.

Because he knows he can never be forgiven

He can never forgive himself

The reason why he wants someone to magically save him is because ‘helping him’ is a two way street

A hand may reach out to him, but he has to be the one to take hold of it--and it won’t end there

He has to trust the hand to keep a hold on him, no matter what happens--and he has to put in continuous effort to keep holding on as well.

He cannot trust someone to not only help him, but keep helping him and, more than that, he cannot trust himself.

He has no hope in the world around him and has no hope for himself, so in a way, the constant killing is a self-preservation act as well

Since, subconsciously, he knows that he cannot live a normal life because of everything that has happened--

--and the world keeps going on in their own bubble despite his pain--

--He has to do something to keep that from crushing him.

So, instead of killing himself, he’ll continue killing others because it’s what he’s familiar with anyways. And in survival, familiarity is necessary--a form of homeostasis--because that is when protection is possible.

And actually, back to that wanting a savior part.

Sangwoo has never once been truly protected

He has never felt a sense of security as a child

So, to protect himself, he has made himself impenetrable--stronger and always making sure he has the upperhand

Anyone who threatens him in any way should be dealt with swiftly so that they never take away his sense of security

So, wanting a savior seems totally opposite of what he should want, but everything he’s done to strengthen himself is in response to never having someone protect him

He wants to be protected for once

He wants someone he can rely on to guide him every step of the way, to be there for him when he’s weak and be his strength

It is something he has been looking for in every one of his victims and Bum is the closest that he can get to fulfilling it

Unfortunately, a savior is exactly what Bum is not.

And a savior is exactly what Sangwoo does not fkkn need to get better, if he even can at this point.

There are no such things as saviors, just like there are no such things as protagonists. The moment you put ‘getting better’ as someone else’s responsibility rather than your own, you’ve made it so that you can never get better.

7. Goddang boy, you really know you have nothing else but the grave waiting for you

Hmmmmn...actually, this is...huh. Oh. Okay. Okay. Uhm. So.

Remember when I said that Sangwoo doesn’t go into these things planning to kill his victim?? Okay so that’s not wrong...but not right either.

I thought that Bum did the whole hanging this solely as an alternative punishment, which I still think has merit, but now I’m like...okay so, Sangwoo does every little thing he can to make it so that no one can love him. He tries to make it fkkn impossible, which he succeeds at.

He knows that hanging will bring out more dramatic effects from a person. And Bum has this thing where he can say one thing, but then completely do a 180 from it. And asphyxiation can really force someone to be more...open about their thoughts lol. It’s the lack of blood to the brain, so the brain will have less barriers to keep their filter in check.

I don’t think he made the pulley as an alternative or lesser punishment, but as a “finality”. He gets that Bum is crossing into ‘unforgivable’ territory, but at the same time, is at the ‘I can still save you’ precipice, which is a hope that is more destructive to Sangwoo. Having that hope then it being torn down will be the last act that destroys his sanity (which is exactly what we see at the end of the comic).

Because, in a way, he’s still controlling himself in his killings. He’s not just killing anyone, he’s specifically choosing his victims, which reduces the amount of people he kills. If he has to keep on killing, his conscience will make it so that he won’t just start going on random killing sprees and making the body count explode. That is the last tether he has to his sanity.

So, before that tether snaps--by way of having his hope destroyed completely by people like Bum--he’ll put an end to it before it gets any further. This hanging thing was meant to bring out the ‘truth’ from Bum. It was meant to break down all the barriers and finally show his true colors. Which is when Sangwoo can kill Bum via hanging. This will be very different from what he has done before, but Bum was different as well. So him breaking from his habits is his way of applauding Bum.

8. Sangwoo’s Doki Doki moment lol

I like how Koogi put those black lines in there as a form of a ‘blush’, but not actually a blush because nothing about this moment is romantic lol. And that ‘thump’ is a facsimile of a person’s heart beating when falling in love.

I honestly think this is the moment where Sangwoo falls in Lima Syndrome.

Sangwoo is expecting Bum to react in a way that will finally let Sangwoo kill Bum once and for all. Screaming ‘motherfucker’ again. Curse him and say he will die a painful death, like his mother. Beg ‘please’ and for help, like CEO daughter. Anything but Bum still calling Sangwoo’s name, like he’s still a human instead of a monster.

Just like my first instinct to be like “fucker this is way worse than cutting someone” and reminded me of why Sangwoo should die, Sangwoo knows that what he’s doing to Bum warrants Bum treating him like a monster. But from Sangwoo’s point of view, that isn’t what Bum is doing.

9. Lol, Sangwoo, stop fucking romanticizing this oh my god

KOOGI. STOP OH MY GOD. NO. YOU’RE KILLING ME. SANGWOO’S EXPRESSION. NO. DON’T. I WANT TO STRANGLE MY HEART FOR MAKING ME FEEL FOR THIS FUCKER.

But seriously. This expression. It’s like Sangwoo’s prayers are actually being answered and he can’t believe it. It’s like he’s looking at God reaching out to save him from all the demons threatening to pull him down into hell. There’s this heartbreaking sense for hope and Sangwoo is so scared that it will fall through his fingertips and shatter on the ground at his feet.

But it is worthy to note that Bum calling out to Sangwoo via his name is actually pretty normal. I think it’s more common for children calling out for their parent to stop, because the person who is hurt them is more often then not the only person who can help them. And if throwing away your pride to appeal to your abuser is the only way to make this pain stop, then no fucking duh they will.

Just because Bum is the only one who has done so at this point doesn’t mean Bum is ‘special’. He’s a fkkn human being who has been abused ever since he was a child and is familiar with the other ways of begging for his life. If anything, I think this is more indicative of how specific Sangwoo’s victims are and that he hasn’t actually killed that many people.

10. Goddang Koogi, so much respect for you

Seriously, the way Sangwoo reacts to this is the same way when he later reacts to Bum saying “I love you” while Sangwoo is raping him.

So going off of that future incidence, Sangwoo here is being affected by Bum on a personal level. This is the level where, if triggered, the more he’ll want to keep Bum by his side because this is the closest Sangwoo can get to genuinely/healthily loving someone.

But the thing is, THIS is how he reacts to it. With aggression. And there’s this muscle twitch at the corner of his mouth that even suggests fear. Because that is how Eunsoo conditioned Sangwoo to react to ‘love’. Love is not something to desire, it’s something to repel because it’s a threat to your existence. But, of course, Sangwoo still wants love--he wants to be shown how love was meant to be in the first place.

And that is why he saves Bum.

Because Bum is his only--damning, dangerous, terrifying--hope for experiencing that.

(which is exactly why he fucking snaps later when he realizes that Bum cannot give him what he wants and if Bum can’t, no one can, so what’s the point of anything?)

11. O_O Oh...uhm.

I’m...yeah. So I still don’t think Sangwoo is the type that gets sexual gratification from killing and torturing people. Him holding Bum up by his legs so that he’s no longer choking is, I think, evidence of that.

In a way, this is more from a twisted version of demisexuality. I’m sure Sangwoo got hard the moment Bum started taking off his clothes to crawl over to Sangwoo, which triggered Sangwoo’s danger senses. Because not only love, but he equates sex to something horrifying and disgusting--and the way Sangwoo is grimacing in that last panel does suggest that he’s revolted by his hard-on. It’s just that he can’t help it, because his experiences conditioned him to only finding release via situations that make him feel disgusted.

Sangwoo didn’t reach peak arousal when Bum was thrashing around the moment he was being hanged. He reached it when Bum was calling out his name, still treating him like a person with a name rather than a monster who deserves to die. He wasn’t turned on by Bum, he was turned on by Bum’s ‘acceptance’ of Sangwoo. Rather than heterosexuality or homosexuality, this is closer to demisexuality because what he wants is someone to love him despite being a monster among humans.

Oh, I want to note that Bum calling out Sangwoo’s name could be likened to calling out Sangwoo’s name during the...throes of passion lol.

12. Wow you’re really enjoying yourself there, Sangstop

Hmn so again, I do think this is another showcase of demisexuality.

He doesn’t care that he’s getting off to manly cries, holding onto legs that are more boney skin than shapely meat, and a penis ‘hanging’ (omg i can’t believe i was able to fit a pun in here) above his head there.

He looks super blissed out here and I don’t think he’d be looking like this with any woman he has fucked. It has probably been a long time since he has even been this aroused by another woman. And the first time in a long time that he has been aroused was by some skinny, creepy loser who’s not just a loser, but a man.

Because it wasn’t the genitalia that was getting him off. It was Bum’s treatment of Sangwoo. So, in a way, he’s starting to like Bum IN SPITE OF his dick lol.

13. *blinks* oh I can’t be quite sure

But I think Sangwoo made sure Bum would fall onto the bed rather than the concrete. I don’t think the position of the bed was...right over the pulley...or maybe Sangwoo made sure it would be? Because he knows that hanging Bum could go either way: kill him or let him fall free.

14. How...do you think of these things, Sangstop...

I mean, creativity aside (which makes me go down a whole bunch of avenues and I really really just want this to end already), Sangwoo actually uses the words “Before I do something I’ll regret.”

Again, Sangwoo’s Lima Syndrome starts here. Had this been earlier, Sangwoo would’ve done something he wouldn’t have regretted. Actually, had Bum not called out Sangwoo’s name, Sangwoo would not have regretted killing him. He could’ve fooled himself into thinking he was relieved because he got rid of an outlier that threatened his last piece of sanity. That he was free from the danger that was Bum.

But no. At this point, Sangwoo knows that if he does something that ends up killing Bum, he will regret it. The release he had earlier fooled him into thinking that Bum was special and could give him something that no woman would ever be able to give him. If he could ‘train’ Bum more, if Bum can exceed his expectations, than he can probably finally get what he has been searching for in all of his victims.

And this is why he pushes Bum’s head in the water. Because now it’s no longer /just/ inflicting pain in order teach a lesson--to get revenge. It’s also about training Bum to make Sangwoo feel like he’s human.

15. Hey, I think this is the first time Sangwoo mentions how he has been treating Bum

Before, it’s always like “Bum you liar” or “I can’t believe you made me do this”, but now Sangwoo actually says “I treat you better than I have ever treated anyone else before, and this is how you repay me??”

Now it has become personal. Sangwoo’s feelings are involved because he is now acknowledging that, yes, he is treating Bum in a way that he could’ve never imagined treating anyone. So, now, Bum can actually do things like scratch Sangwoo’s skin and NOT get killed, which is fucking foreign to Sangwoo.

Because, before, it was all about never letting anyone have the upperhand. The moment someone threatens him, he asserts his dominance to the highest level he possibly can while still being under the guise of “law-abiding citizen”.

Bum, in effect, has become the only person who can physically wound Sangwoo and still live to tell the tale.

Aaaaaaand because there is more for me to unpack but I’ve reached a point where my brain is mush and I can no longer make sense of what I’m writing down, I’m actually going to end it here and pick it back up tomorrow.

Oh my fucking god.

#chapter 8 #volume 1 #jfc this is so long #and i can't believe i STILL have more to say #why the fuck are there going to be 3 parts to chp 8!?!?!?!?

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erikthedead · 3 years ago

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entry #4

Started reading FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY’s ‘Notes from the Underground,’ and I just got into the second half of him rambling and reflecting on his behaviour in detail. I never would have thought a Russian man from the 19th century would make me feel a little bit less alone in this world (or at least the ‘character’ delivering the narrative). Yet the more I read about what goes on in peoples’ heads the less insane I feel, or at least comforted by realising that everyone is a little bit insane, as long as they’re being honest. Should that be comforting? I feel like that should actually be disturbing, but I kinda like being disturbed. The bit that struck me to get writing about myself was how he recurringly mentions this need to be seen and heard and be a noble member of society, but flip flops between that and a state of isolating himself and being a recluse, ashamed by how his own face looks. I hope I’m interpreting it right, as I’m not so sure I’m smart enough to fully understand everything the man was trying to convey. The whole thing reads as him trying to make sense of himself, if anything. But if I am right in that, I can totally relate, and it causes me much distress as it seemed to have tormented him too. His way was to throw himself into busy streets and bars, never feeling comfortable with it from what I’ve read, and possibly did it on purpose to feel uncomfortable, because he was getting bored with the current discomfort of isolating himself in his room with his books. That’s the interesting thing about it, he never once says he ‘leaves the comfort’ of his own home, like you’ll hear many well-adjusted introverts say. People who are content on their own. He obviously wasn’t content, he was bored, sick of his own brain, he tells us how he would break down into tearful fits from some sort of mental anguish that he tried to escape from through consumption of literature. I do exactly the same thing with media of all kinds, not because I ENJOY spending time with myself and my things, but because it helps me COPE with it. I am so envious of consistently introverted people who relish in their alone time. That SHOULD BE ME. All the same, it annoys me to death when someone complains about being ‘stuck in the house’ all day when they want to go out and mingle and see the world, because that is too exhausting a thing to wish for compared to creature comforts and solitude, surely. Both of them irritate me because I’m jealous of their seemingly consistent understanding of themselves, their desires and what makes them content on a regular, general basis. I’ve been trying to hard to figure out my own. I’m twenty-six now, yet I still feel juvenile as hell. I still feel like a child that goes up to the next thing that catches its eye and wants to ask, ‘can I have a go?’ And of course, to an innocent child, you let them have a go, without any expectations. You don’t get that luxury as an adult. You are expected to choose, commit, KNOW what you want. But again, I can’t help but think this isn’t me being special, that everyone probably feels this way, you certainly hear it from a lot of old people who humbly state that they are still always learning and discovering new things. Then again maybe they miss the point. Discovering things is fine, all the time. Learning is appreciated and encouraged. But actually changing or choosing not to change (both can be bad, right?), that is unsettling. We’ve given up good and evil for behaviourism and yet still people like me, Fyodor and to name a few other people I relate to when I read their autobiographies, Russell Brand, Stephen Fry, Steve-O (oh yes I compare myself to the greats, in all my unheard mighty feats), people like us can’t even get that right. Creative, expressive, bipolar people. People with big heads and sensitive souls, I’d say. Although I connect deeply to people like this I’d never want to be around them for too long. I know their torment and quite frankly my own is enough to contend with. There is a feeling of ‘pay attention to me but leave me alone.’ ‘Love me more than anything but don’t care too much about me because I’m bound to hurt you or make a fool of myself.’ Actually, in Notes from the Underground, Fyodor talks about man’s unconscious desire to smash up something he has been building, because he is unconsciously terrified of what to do what he has completed it, and Brand actually mentions this quite a bit in his Bookywooks. How he’d personally reach a level of fame and notoriety but then sabotage it, fearing the peak or what comes after – the come down. I hope I’ve interpreted these guys correctly, because it does make sense to me. The only thing that really sets me aside from these guys is my utter lack of ambition. At least in these peoples’ hypomanic states they were achieving something. What do I do? I’m the classic, slightly mentally ill underachiever that never sticks to anything. The sheer magnitude of my unconscientiousness could be used as an example of how not to be during a Jordan Peterson lecture. My downfalls were not self-sabotages, conscious or unconscious for the first half of my life. The rest you can blame on me, that’s fair enough, but puberty hit me early and like a train, and all that meant was I was spotty and got a bullied a bit, but that didn’t excuse me from performing well in my exams and essays. I was predicted to come out with some of the top grades in the whole school. I even started finding my confidence and standing up for myself to bullies after a few years adjusting to adolescence. Then my mother died suddenly one night from an overdose when I was fourteen, and my whole world flipped upside down. Like an anime main character backstory right there. It wasn’t perfect beforehand, anyone who knows my whole childhood situation will agree, but I had a bloody good chance up until she died. After that, I became nihilistic, rebellious, promiscuous and generally self-destructive. ‘How would your mother feel if she could see you now? She wouldn’t have wanted this.’ Oh how I wish I slapped anyone that said this to me. How dare they even try to assume what she would have wanted, having never known her. Of course, I said it to myself all the time, I still do sometimes, but I have that right. The rest of you don’t. Hah, rights. What a joke, even as I try to be dominant through typing to imaginary figments of the past and the future, I’m not even convincing myself.

The inconsistency, of my desires, my attitudes, my cognitions, my emotions and ultimately my behaviour is what pains me. I would rather be a complete abolition that was sure in himself than be like this. What’s even more frustrating is that it’s not that uncommon for people to be like me in that sense, but they just go with the flow with it, seemingly unaware of their inconsistency, and become incredibly defensive when you point it out. It’s understandable, I get defensive with myself, which could be an early sign of schizophrenia, who knows, time will tell. At the moment though I am without doubt an anxious, depressive, inconsistent muddled mess of a person, and even the HOPE for my future self comes and goes in powerful forms. I have the grandiose fantasies of being interviewed by people because I’m just that interesting and my achievements are that remarkable, and I also have the sheer terror while preparing to talk to the shop assistant when I’m buying something. Oh yeah, buying things, that’s a tricky one for me an’ all! The trick with me is not to give me too much choice, because if I have I will never decide, or I will make a silly last minute decision or pick the third thing after debating with myself for ten minutes between choosing from the first and the second. Not only indecisiveness, but impulsiveness plagues me. Not just buying things I don’t need, or don’t even want yet because I haven’t finished the last thing, but even charitably so. I saw a stranger E-begging by chance and decided to send him money. I have no idea why. Am I just a good person? I don’t have enough money for myself, and even if I do have some to spare, that should go to others who have helped me financially before a stranger on the internet. Maybe I’m not a good person, and I just did it to cleanse myself of some feeling of shame or guilt for wasting money on myself. As well as the positive fantasies of my future where I am destined to greatness through nothing other than my own conviction and virtues, I have the other vision in the crystal ball that shows myself destitute and addicted to hard drugs, homeless or institutionalised, ultimately suicided. Addiction and suicide run through my veins afterall, and I’ve been close to becoming the 3rd generation of my bloodline to go out by my own hand. The decently sized scar on my arm from a self-inflicted slash that was intended for my neck, that nearly severed my nerves and would have left me with a malfunctioning left hand had I gone any deeper. Sometimes I look at it and feel ashamed for doing it, for trying to throw away my beautiful, special life, and other times I look at it and feel ashamed for missing my real target, my consciousness. I battle with my consciousness a lot, I try to minimise it through drink and drugs or healthy mental exercises, distract it with my media, sublimate it through writing and drawing, but rarely do I get peace from it. Then other times, I count my blessings and praise the universe for bestowing onto me just the ability to think and feel and be a person. Neither approach to life is crazy to me, what’s crazy to me is not being able to bloody pick one and settle on it for more than a couple of days at a time. Like Fyodor describes his character going out into a busy bustling area in his urges to be part of society after a stint of isolation, I will go out some weekends and do the same, but that’s only a more recent, probably more healthy advance in my development than what I have been doing for a long time which is going online to provoke and debate people with my thoughts and opinions, and sometimes cheeky insults. I really resent when people who know me call it ‘trolling’ when I go off on these episodes. Trolling to me is when you put something out there that you don’t actually stand by, but you know will get a reaction out of people because you’re bored and want to mess with people. Now fair enough, there’s a lot to be said for that last part, but I have no reason to say things I don’t really think/feel/believe when the things I say genuinely are enough to upset people on their own, things I sincerely believe are correct. I’ll feel ever so right and convicted during these online tirades, then the next day want to delete all my social media and wipe my name from the planetary database. Perhaps I could just delete my existence while I’m at it. Seems like my self-doubt and my self-assuredness play equal part in my misery, because like everything else, I can’t choose one. The same happens if I go out and meet new people on the weekend, I’ll exchange numbers and add people with all intention of meeting up in the future, only to ghost them afterwards. I don’t know why.

#rambling #4 #entry #entry 4 #four

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braveskyered · 4 years ago

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Dames Special - Valentine’s

It is highly recommended that you read Knights before reading this, otherwise you may miss some context.

SPOILER WARNING!

This reveals heavy spoilers for Knights, if you have not read Knights up to Part 18 and onward, please turn away now. Otherwise, read at your own risk.

SPOILER WARNING!

“Ah… I’m sorry, Elaine. I know this isn’t the best, since I couldn’t get a reservation at the Adagio in time, but—"

Elaine held a finger over Arthur’s lips with a fond smile, “It’s perfect, my star.”

Seeing Arthur’s face turn red will be a sight Elaine will never get tired of seeing. Sure, maybe it is cheesy to decorate the kitchen table with a big red cloth and gold trim with a fancy vase full of red, white, and pink roses in the center, complete with takeout from an Italian restaurant, but it’s still wonderful all the same.

“Our first Valentine’s Day as a married couple. I wouldn’t have this any other way. Now…” Elaine said as she pulled out a chair for Arthur, “Shall we?”

“Shouldn’t it be the man doing that for the lady?” Arthur asked in amusement as he sat down.

“Oh, hush. You know I never follow tradition.”

Once Elaine sat down in her own chair, the two started to eat. The food didn’t look the best, but it’s still delicious and she made sure to savor the taste for as long as she could. It didn’t matter to her where their meal took place, but the fact that she could enjoy it with her husband is all she wanted for this special day.

The sound of something metallic clattering against something hard reached her ears, causing her to look up to Arthur before glancing at the floor. Did Arthur drop his fork?

“Is everything all right, my star?”

“Y-Yeah,” Arthur nodded before standing up and kneeling down beneath the table, “Sorry. Butterfingers. I’ll get another fork.”

As Arthur went to the kitchen sink, Elaine left herself in deep thought. She wondered if Arthur had any past Valentines, or how he celebrated it back in his old hometown. She did recall Arthur saying that he had never loved anyone before he met her, but there was something about his tone in the few times he would talk about his past in Tempo. A longing, perhaps?

Well, it shouldn’t matter. He’s here with her now, and she will see to it that he will have the happiness he deserves. When Arthur came back to the table, they resumed eating their meal.

- - - - - - -

No matter what happens, no matter how much one wishes for it to be, time marches on. He isn’t sure how these bills are going to be paid off in time, or how he will be able to work as a chef again. His wife is able to somewhat manage, but he knew it’s only a matter of time until she can’t anymore.

His right arm ached, which made things worse, for he had lost it just two years ago.

…

“Joe, you need to eat.”

“I’m not hungry, Lokia.”

“Was everything okay at the restaurant?”

“We had a dinner rush for Valentine’s Day,” his wife said as she set tray of food down on the table next to the paperwork, “So we should be able to meet our sales goal.”

Joe sighed in relief. Some profit is finally coming in, which means being able to pay some of their bills and their few remaining employees. Their medical bills, however…

He isn’t sure who has it worse, him for the loss of his right arm, or his wife getting burns that has scarred her for life. The fact that they’ve both been injured at the same time made things more difficult. Joe had managed to finish his physical therapy and has gotten used to living with just one arm (his non-dominant arm, no less), but Lokia will eventually need to get more surgeries so she can regain some more movement in her hands and neck. It’s a miracle that Lokia can still work as a chef at all, even if it’s not at the pace she used to do.

Technically, Joe could’ve used the prosthetic that was given to him, but…

The arm, made from the blueprints that Arthur had left behind and mirrored by Lance, did do its job of giving Joe some degree of normalcy, but the general appearance of the prosthetic itself, and the fact that it would become too painful to wear after a while… Joe wondered if Arthur designed for the arm to be painful on purpose, to remind him of the time where everything went wrong. Or maybe it was unintended to be like that but didn’t bother to fix it until finding out what happened to Lewis, and then deliberately choosing not to do so as a way of self-punishment.

It sickened Joe to think that the last one is probably true. Either way, he couldn’t bring himself to wear it for too long despite Lokia’s occasional insistence. Lance had never even offered to build the arm in the first place. He just did it without anyone asking.

“Here,” Lance said gruffly as he slammed a long yet somewhat thin box on the table, “I did the best I could, but I know it’s not perfect.”

When pressed for details, the mechanic gave Joe and his family a glare of disgust.

“Don’t get the wrong idea. I only did this because I know my boy would’ve done the same thing for you if you hadn’t forced him out of here. Whether or not you use it is up to you.”

Ever since that day, Lance refused to interact with the Pepper family outside of repairing their cars or the arm, and even then, he would just have any of his employees to do the talking. A part of him wondered if anyone at Kingsmen Mechanics would do a shoddy repair job on their cars on purpose, but after Lokia once accused Lance of doing such a thing, the mechanic all but told them to take their business elsewhere.

“Unlike you, I’m not petty enough to want someone dead. I prefer my customers being safe on the road. If any of my employees do anything outside of proper repair, they’re either written up or fired. I’m still replacing the brake pads on your van whether you like it or not, because it wouldn’t be good on our conscience if your daughters were to get hurt in an accident. But if you don’t want us to do anything, then all you have to do is say so.”

The words… hurt more than the Peppers care to admit.

“Joe?” He looked up upon seeing his wife right next to him, the smell of the food becoming too much to ignore, “Please. You need to eat. I cut the meat into bite-sized pieces.”

He let out a breath before pushing the papers he was looking over aside, giving Lokia the room she needed to push the dinner tray in front of him.

“I managed to get the last of the spray paint off our door, by the way,” Lokia said out of the blue, “I should be able to finish replacing the damaged parts of the gate by tomorrow.”

Joe hummed as he watched his wife leave. He really didn’t want to think about the vandalism that had been going on with both the Pepper Paradiso and the family home. If there’s one thing that parents should never go through, it’s outliving any of their children. They just managed to lay their son’s body to rest just two years after it had been found.

That should’ve been the end of it, yet…

“It’s all your fault!”

“I lost my family because of you!”

“Rotten Peppers with awful taste!”

The words that the townspeople had left for them, whether it’s yelled at them, painted, or worse, etched onto their property, left them plenty of reminders of their foolish mistake.

And it all happened because they blamed the wrong person for the loss of their son.

They were told that a demon had taken control of Arthur and used him to shove their son Lewis to his death, but they couldn’t help but think that Arthur was still at fault in a way. He should’ve resisted, fought back, but instead just… stood by while their son was killed. They knew it was irrational, but it was all they could do to cope with their grief. They didn’t know what to think of the ghost that their son had become and knowing that the ghost also held resentment for Arthur in the few times they’ve spoken to him (…it?) only fuel their own.

In the few times Arthur dared to interact with them, whether it was to pick up food Vivi ordered or the few times to see if anything needed fixing, Joe and Lokia made it clear that Arthur wasn’t welcome, lashing out whenever he showed up by himself. His daughters were too young to know what exactly happened to Lewis, but Belle and Cayenne learned to hate Arthur, too, while Paprika remained in her own little world wondering why her big brother isn’t home.

The young mechanic got the hint, and for a few months did he not appear before them.

Things finally came to a head when Arthur showed up suddenly on Paprika’s birthday, holding out a large paper bag bearing the Pepper Paradiso logo to them. When demanded on why Arthur came back, the mechanic said it was to fulfill a request Lewis had asked of him.

Arthur should’ve been the one that died instead of our son!

The slap that Lokia gave Arthur, the rock that Belle had thrown and hit the back of his head, the anger and humiliated sadness Joe felt as he stomped on the box, not caring what was inside of it upon hearing Paprika’s cries when Arthur tried presenting it to her. It was good riddance when Lokia literally threw Arthur out of their home before tossing out what the latter had brought without even looking at it.

Regret and shame would come back at them tenfold starting the very next day.

After coming home from school, Belle had found the tossed-out box at their front door with a note saying that it looks like it was thrown out by mistake, as it was a package in Lewis’s name.

“I got the Christmas present for Paprika,” Lewis told his parents when he was alive, “Arthur’s holding on to it for me.”

Arthur was in the hospital during the holidays. He may have even forgotten about it after all the trauma of losing an arm and friend had put him through. He had to have found it later and tried to make things right.

The shame the family felt didn’t stop ever since. They thought to apologize, but how could they face Arthur after what they did?

The hell that came after them less than a week later was even worse, and everyone in the town became tormented with nightmares. Eventually, the survivors of those lost to the nightmares started to lash out.

And it was all because of the Peppers wanting an innocent man gone and out of their lives.

- - - - - - -

“This has been a lovely dinner. Thank you, Arthur.”

“I’m glad it suited to your tastes.”

Elaine looked down at one of the side dishes on Arthur’s side of the table, “Oh, you didn’t like this?”

Arthur looked down at the small bowl still full of soup before shaking his head and smiled at her, “Not really, but if you want it, you’re more than welcome to it.”

For a moment, Elaine thought she saw a look of sadness in his eyes, but upon hearing him speak, she disregarded the thought and thanked him.

Arthur then proceeded to clean up the table while Elaine took the bowl and a spoon to finish the soup the former didn’t eat.

The zuppa toscana has just the right amount of spiciness. Elaine wondered if there’s a way Nana Niniane could get the recipe so the rest of their family could enjoy it.

But that’s for another day.

#msa knights #msa dames #msa fanfic #mystery skulls animated #msa arthur #arthur kingsmen #elaine knights #fanfic #fanfiction #mr and mrs pepper

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raebellian · 4 years ago

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Why I love Katara from ATLA

Katara is underrated and doesn’t deserve all the hate people give her. Like everyone else in the Gaang, she was an invaluable member that they couldn’t have survived without. Hear me out—this is going to be a long one.

First, her role as team mom: We all know that the Gaang saw Katara as a motherly figure—even Sokka, her older brother. Remember The Desert? Aang was having a mental breakdown over Appa, Sokka was high on cactus juice, Toph couldn’t see, and Katara literally held them together. Sure, sometimes Katara lost her temper or acted bossy, but come on! Whose mom doesn’t? In fact, Toph and Sokka agreed in The Runaway that even though Katara got on their nerves sometimes, it was that exact trait of bossiness that the Gaang relied on so much. And I think a lot of those scenes where Katara fussed over things were super cute; it literally made the Gaang seem like a little family.

Second: I know people hate on Katara for talking about her mom so much. But admit it, we were all annoying at one point in our teenage years. And imagine if something happened to your mom or a similar parental figure. If you were a young child when it happened? If you spent years and years thinking it was your fault? If your father was always away and you had to step up as your own mother’s replacement, forced to shove that darkness deep down, hoping for the day when you could get some closure?

When Aang realized he lost his people and broke down in The Southern Air Temple, Katara was there for him. She said it was okay to be sad, that she understood, that she was going to help him. She didn’t have to do that. She barely knew him at the time. But grief is grief, no matter its size and form and how it’s dealt with, and she found a way to get through to him. Same with Haru and Jet. Katara reached out to them by exchanging stories with them, and listened to theirs with compassion as well.

Of course, everyone expresses/copes with grief in different ways, but Katara’s grief wasn’t any lesser than her friends, nor were her coping mechanisms any less valid.

Let’s talk about Sokka. He admitted he saw Katara as a mother, and that he couldn’t even recall Kya’s face. He also seemed to be much closer with Hakoda throughout the show. Might I also remind you of Sokka’s general goofiness and rather out-of-the-blue sexist attitude at the beginning. I really doubt the sexism was due to Southern Water Tribe Culture—or why would Kanna go there to escape the sexism of the north? Sokka likely developed that mindset as a coverup for his grief, whereas Katara had to bottle up her feelings and step up as the motherly figure as a young child. Sokka’s coping mechanism was to goof around and pretend nothing got to him, and Aang avoided his duties and hardships until he eventually learned to confront them.

Yes, Katara said some awful things to both Sokka and Aang in The Southern Raiders, but she was a teenage girl mourning the loss of the person she loved most in the world, and whom she seemed to develop her whole personality and identity around. Sometimes you lash out, lose control, and accidentally hurt your loved ones—especially if you’re just a child forced to grow up too fast in a war torn world.

In any case, there’s no doubt that Katara regretted what she said to Sokka right after she said it (look at her expression in that scene), and it’s almost certain that she went and made up with him afterwards. It wasn’t the first time one of the siblings accidentally hurt the other, and it certainly wasn’t the last time either. But there’s no doubt that the siblings loved each other unconditionally, which gave them the ability to make up no matter what, every single time without fail.

Third: I know a lot of people criticize Katara for her initial mistrust of Zuko. True, Katara tends to hold grudges. But from her pov, Zuko did break her trust (which she gave out quite readily, especially for someone from the water tribe) and none of Team Avatar actually witnessed Zuko’s epic redemption arc firsthand. Katara also felt extremely guilty and scared for almost wasting the spirit water on Zuko’s scar, which would’ve ended Aang for good.

The others in the Gaang had more inclination to trust Zuko due to Iroh defending him when he came to them for help in Ba Sing Se, while Katara was stuck in a creepy underground cave probably having a panic attack and fully expecting to be killed at any given moment. I’d probably lash out too if someone locked me up and suddenly yeeted in a guy who tried to kill me and my friends on multiple previous occasions, even if his hair did have a major glow up.

Speaking of Zuko and his glow up... oMg hE’s sO hOt! Cute fictional boy with dark hair, we all stan!!! Draco in leather pants, anyone? While I love Zuko as much as any ATLA fan, he did his fair share of bad things. The entire first season? His betrayal of Iroh? Sure, Katara had her moments, but did you guys really forget how Zuko treated Iroh? How he constant belittled him on the ship in S1 and in the prison in S3, while still demanding Iroh’s advice? Of course, Zuko got better and gained redemption and forgiveness—he absolutely deserved it in the end—but doesn’t Katara deserve similar sympathy after making far lesser mistakes than Zuko? Is it because she’s not an attractive bad boy? Imagine Katara as a hot dude with a brooding, chiseled face, and I guarantee you the same people who hate her so vehemently will automatically stan her. It’s almost as if there’s a double standard for female characters or something...

In conclusion: Katara cares so, so much with all her heart about everything and everyone, loving and hating with equal passion, and I think that’s beautiful. She is the epitome of gentle yet unyielding femininity (as opposed to Toph’s brashness or Azula’s coolness), and we need more female characters like her who are unabashedly feminine and proud of it. In today’s society, girls are often shamed for being girly, hence the “mean popular girl” trope and the “not like other girls” trend. That’s why we see so many tomboys in fiction, girls who are strong and tough and one of the guys. That’s why we see so many ice queens in fiction, who are equal parts beautiful and deadly in everything they do. Of course, these types of girls are just as valid (and why Toph, Azula, and so many other ATLA girls are so popular and iconic), but women irl are so incredible because of their diversity—not only in appearance but in personality.

That’s what makes ATLA so good: each character has their strengths and weaknesses and undergoes an incredible character arc. Each member of the Gaang is unique and essential and they all balance each other out personality-wise. Without Katara, ATLA would not be the masterpiece it is, would not be so acclaimed for its incredibly written characters. Without Katara, western animation would be lacking of an incredibly written character, a POC girly girl who is soft and gentle and nurturing and can kick ass in a dress and fancy hair. Without Katara, little girls who grew up watching ATLA would grow up with perhaps many good female role models, but they would miss out on one in particular who would teach them it’s okay to care too much, it’s okay to cry and be angry and hate, it’s okay because in the end things will always get better and so will you. That it’s going to be okay, and there’s always hope and light in the world no matter what life throws at you. That’s what Katara means to me, and that’s why I love her so much.

~Raebelle

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brainsdivided · 4 years ago

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Uncommon Questions for OC’s and Their Creators (1/2)

(Art by Yesjejunus!)

I saw @bloody-fists-beating-hearts and @socksual-innuendos doing it so I’m answering all of them cause I can and I love my boys. Original by @cassandrapentayaaaaas

So I don’t take up someone’s entire dash, peep under cut for it :)

ps. some warning: read tags for any mentions of triggers or things you find uncomfortable, Isaac and Ezekiel have had tough lives and since a lot of that occurs during childhood it may cause some distress for readers.

QUESTIONS FOR YOUR OCs:

What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?

Ezekiel? Never. If it looks like he’s doing nothing, he’s actually daydreaming or bouncing his leg or fiddling with pieces of his clothes. Isaac also cannot sit still. This starts to change as he gets older, but when he moves to Zion he needs to be keeping his mind active on a physical thing, like studying.How easy is it for your character to laugh?

Ezekiel will laugh at just about anything. He’s a child at heart and will crack a giggle and the smallest of things. Even when he’s in combat, you might hear a devilish chuckle. Isaac is different, because of his teenage years, he doesn’t feel as much happiness as he once did. Genuine laughs are rare and at most, he’ll give a weak light-hearted laugh, especially when recalling a good story. For kids, he’ll feign a belly laugh.

How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)

Ezekiel never puts himself to bed. It will always be Joshua or Isaac that reads or talks him to sleep just as Courier Six once did. If Ezekiel is alone, he will think himself to sleep. If Joshua is available and not willing to put Ezekiel to bed and depriving him of comfort items, he will scream and cry himself to exhaustion. Isaac has cried and screamed himself to exhaustion on more than one occasion but will never admit it. he does his best to fall asleep to music on the radio or on a holotape.

How easy is it to earn their trust?

It’s not very easy to gain either brothers’ trust. Ezekiel follows the ‘If you’re a friend of theirs, you’re a friend of mine’ phrase. Isaac doesn’t trust anyone completely until he spends enough time around them. He believes everyone has good in them and will give them the benefit of the doubt, BUT he won’t be caught off guard if someone happens to turn on him.

How easy is it to earn their mistrust?

For either brother, the second you turn on one of them or their family and friends, it’s game over. Ezekiel won’t take verbal or physical acts lightly, but if it’s verbal, Isaac will offer a second chance. He won’t give out a third.

Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?

Ezekiel will follow laws that he feels he doesn’t need to break at the time. If he can justify it, including ‘Cause I can, there’s no one to stop me’ he will break it. Isaac follows all laws, even the ones he doesn’t want to. For the ones he doesn’t want to, he’ll find ways to bend them, especially if they’re immoral/unreasonable in his eyes. Best example I can give is in the Legion, not sure if it’s actually a law, but, women are treated as breeding stock and that’s it. Isaac had slaves but would only treat them as such around the other legionaries. Behind closed doors, he cooks for them and looks after them personally. Never once did he use them as breeding stock.

What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?

Ezekiel is in almost a complete state of nostalgia constantly as he unconsciously tries to live his old life in Goodsprings in Zion. Good food, sleeping in a quiet camp, hunting, learning from Joshua/father-figure, etc. helps keep him grounded in his world. Isaac often receives nostalgia from intrusive memories, but as a physical thing, probably his appearance. In a fit of fear and rage, he destroyed his mirror and where the river runs next to his home he added extra rocks to help disfigure his reflection when he’s near the water. It brings him great pain to see his own face and body due to the scars he received from the Legion.

What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child?

Pre-story... Ezekiel was probably told to stop beating up kids for minor offenses and Isaac was probably told to not worry so much about Ezekiel doing dangerous things.

Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?

Both swear and neither remember when they first did.

What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?

Isaac’s most common lie is the typical “I’m fine.” a lie that isn’t spoken about except when before the story takes place, is that the Courier was very sick, but Isaac, Courier, and Cass made Ezekiel believe otherwise so that Ezekiel could continue to dream of the amazing man his dad once was. Which that in itself would be haunting, because he’s holding up a dam of terrible things. While Ezekiel would constantly say “No.” to the question, “Did you eat anything you weren’t supposed to?” 9/10, he ate something he wasn’t supposed to. That doesn’t haunt him, but he’ll regret lying when he ends up with intestinal obstruction or food poisoning.

How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?

As soon as the confusion hits, depending on the scenario and how he’s feeling he might interrupt the conversation to ask for clarification or he’ll tune out what’s being said so that he can think on his thoughts. Isaac will pretend he understands if the conversation isn’t relating to something dire.

How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?

Isaac will ask his brother or a friend for help but if he’s alone, he’ll use a stick or his wall. Ezekiel will go up to anyone and ask, but if not, he’ll turn into a yao gui and rub his back on anything. GOTTA GET THAT ITCH.

What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?

Ezekiel likes orange and Isaac likes white. I think they could both pull off black. Anyone can, black is a flattering color but who would want to wear that in the desert sun?

What animal do they fear most?

Ezekiel doesn’t have a lot of fear towards any creature, but I’d say feral ghouls or Deathclaws and Isaac fears spore carriers.

How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?

Ezekiel will always say what comes to mind. Isaac will think before he speaks.

What makes their stomach turn?

I’ve got nothing for Ezekiel, but Isaac would barf if he smelled or saw a rotting corpse.

Are they easily embarrassed?

Ezekiel is fine being quirky but there are some situations that makes him a radstag in flashlight. Isaac feels more shame than embarrassment.

What embarrasses them?

Ezekiel has been known to wet the bed even into early adulthood. Also, while he is fine playing with kid-oriented items, depending on his current emotion and he’s made fun of, he’ll either respond with embarrassment or anger. Isaac gets second-hand embarrassment from Ezekiel’s behaviors sometimes. He once wet the bed and was caught by Daniel when doing laundry but it was agreed to never be brought up or mentioned again. He mostly feels embarrassment/shame when doing or caught using chems.

What is their favorite number?

Ezekiel’s is the number 6 because Courier Six was his dad. Isaac does not have a favorite number.

If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?

Oh boy. Ezekiel might not be able to tell the difference. He might just say that romantic love makes ‘funny things happen’ so to speak even as an adult. All three might overlap for him. Though I guess it would depend on the person reading since my RP partner did not like when I had Ezekiel be affectionate towards Joshua (Hugging and asking to share a bed) as ‘boys don’t always ask their dads for hugs or to sleep with them, it’s inappropriate’ but if daughters can do that with their mothers, who cares?

Isaac would go on a long shpeel about the psychology of romantic, platonic, and familial love, I’m too tired to write how he’d explain it.

Why do they get up in the morning?

Ezekiel gets up because it’s a new day and the second he opens his eyes, he’s a ball of energy! Breakfast. Also breakfast. Isaac gets up for the people he loves and for the people who need him.

How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)?

Ezekiel gets vocal. He’ll make sure you know that you’re spending too much of his time around his brother or Joshua. Isaac will get quiet.

How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)?

Ezekiel will take what he wants/intervene. Isaac might get bitter about it, but he’ll remind himself that there are others that are more important or who need it more.

Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom?

Their thoughts on this is pretty similar regardless of age, but speaking from age ranges 18-23, Ezekiel doesn’t really understand it, so he’ll talk to anyone about it. When he does, he’s blunt about it, too which makes for some comedic relief when Joshua is involved in the conversation. Isaac won’t really talk about it if he’s involved. If he does, it’s with Daniel or with whoever he ends up sleeping with. If it’s in a medical context, it doesn’t matter the person.

What are their thoughts on marriage?

Ezekiel doesn’t have an opinion on marriage, but his brother and godfather would feel as though he isn’t ready for a relationship, yet. Isaac likes when others get married, but he himself does not feel worthy of a steady relationship.

What is their preferred mode of transportation?

Walking.

What causes them to feel dread?

When Ezekiel gets caught doing something he shouldn’t by Joshua. Isaac - when it’s night, his generator dies, and when his radio stops working simultaneously or when Daniel forbade him that one time from studying and working because he nearly worked himself to death.

Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth?

Both would want the truth, but Ezekiel believes in a lie that his brother and mother once told.

Do they usually live up to their own ideals?

Ezekiel believes he’s the best at almost everything and Isaac knows he could do better, but it’s too late.

Who do they most regret meeting?

N/A

Who are they the most glad to have met?

locating Joshua was Ezekiel’s primary goal when running from Goodsprings so I’d imagine that he’d be glad to have found him. Isaac’s could be either Daniel or an unnamed Legion girl.

Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke?

Ezekiel would try to talk casually about his parents’ death and of the crimes he’s committed. Isaac doesn’t have a go-to.

Could they be considered lazy?

Yes and no. To others, they’d be lazy, but Isaac has depression and insomnia, and Ezekiel’s behavior is similar to a child so he may just be stubborn.

How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt?

If the guilt was brought on by Joshua, Ezekiel would need some reassurance directly from him to fix it. Isaac is constantly ridden with guilt.

How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive?

Both are supportive!

Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap?

Neither seeks romance. Isaac might look for partners for one night stands, but that’s it.

Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)?

Both are very good at matching names to faces, but Ezekiel uses his fingers to count and sometimes uses melodies. Isaac likes to file things.

What memory do they revisit the most often?

So far that’s been thought of, Ezekiel revisits the death of his parents most often and Isaac revisits the possible events that led up to him becoming a decanus.

How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?

Ezekiel is willing to forget them if they didn’t directly wrong him. Isaac never forgets, he just chooses to overlook them but still keeping them in mind.

How sensitive are they to their own flaws?

Ezekiel never really recognizes his flaws until they’re pointed out. As he gets older though he does start to acknowledge them more. A scene I’ve thought of is when he’s 22 and still playing with children’s toy soldiers. He plays with them with little enthusiasm, abandoning his amusements not by choice. Isaac is aware of his flaws but doesn’t try to better them, but instead tries to better others.

How do they feel about children?

Ezekiel at times believes he is a child, and will try to engage with other children. Some find it creepy but those that know him are fine with it because they know he has good intentions. Isaac is passionate about children and will protect them with his life. While escaping the legion, he had recruits younger than him that he helped escape, some ending up being adopted out to Dead Horse, Sorrows, and New Canaanite families. Even in the Legion, Isaac showed all children he came across respect and kindness.

How badly do they want to reach their end goal?

Neither truly has an end goal. Isaac wants to see the Legion end in a way where it’s people can recover as quickly as possible, so by working with the Followers of the Apocalypse, he can help out stragglers. Ezekiel just wants to become someone Joshua can be proud of. Be the son he never had and never expected to have.

If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so?

Isaac would say that he used to be attracted to women, but because he spent so much time around women who loved and cherished him for his kindness, he’d find it wrong to date someone who only loved that he was kind to them. He still finds women attractive, just not enough to act on it. As for men, he could tell you who is handsome, but in a platonic way.

Ezekiel couldn’t tell for the longest time what he was attracted to, but in an alternative story line, when he thought it was women, he ended up finding himself feeling more for a man.

#Isaac cassidy #ezekiel cassidy #fallout new vegas #Joshua graham #daniel #honest hearts #tw: child neglect #tw: child abuse #tw: slavery #tw: scars #tw: parental death #tw: drugs

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valeriacastaneda · 4 years ago

Text

My Autobiography

I remember being pretty young when all this inner turmoil began to stir. I remember an intense hatred of myself for no good reason. I was always too emotional. I don’t remember a time in my life where I didn’t hate myself. I remember being a little girl and feeling abandoned. I always had my parents around me but they weren’t very supportive and I don’t think they meant it to be that way. I felt like no one cared about me and I didn’t feel like I had anyone to turn to as I was growing up. I longed for my mother to put her arm around me and protect her little girl. But my parents were completely absorbed in the constant drama and fights that their relationship entailed. I just wanted my parents to get along. I was a really sensitive child and it was completely agonizing to be dragged into their fights. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy to write but anything worthwhile is going to be a bit painful. It’s been difficult to go through all of this while trying to be as honest and thorough as possible. This isn’t the first “timeline/autobiography” I had to write. I wrote one in my first rehab. But the last one wasn’t very honest- it was as honest as I could be at the time, I still had a lot to go through.

I grew up with two immigrant parents. In an immigrant home there’s a lot of stress behind closed doors. I always saw casual drinking and even binge drinking as a child, as a way to cope with emotions. I grew up on the east side of San Jose in the late 90’s. I feel like I had a complicated childhood. I was a happy child but I was also shy and incredibly anxious. I never had many friends, I felt like I always had to hide a part of myself. I dreamt of being a social butterfly cos that’s how I felt on the inside. But I was such a shy kid, I didn’t trust anyone and I had no sense of stability. It was hands growing up feeling completely alone. I even feel like there was a disconnect between me and my siblings because of how I felt about myself. Since I was a toddler, I remember feeling a deep sense of shame that I couldn’t shake. Anything that triggered this deep internal shame was to be avoided at all costs. I always felt deeply embarrassed for my existence, I always felt insecure.

I looked for stability in all the wrong places. I tried to cling to people, begging to be saved from being drowned only to drag them under the current with me. I didn’t understand that salvation could be found within myself. I looked in all the wrong places and I let my heart be broken countless times before I was able to look within myself to find the strength to push forward. I feel like I had a lonely childhood at times because I remember crying a lot. I remember feeling a deep sorrowful sadness as a child, a sadness I couldn’t express. My mother suffered from postpartum depression after I was born, maybe we had a difficult time bonding. People who know us probably wouldn’t say that we weren’t close. I felt abandoned by my parents at a very young age. They argued so loudly it shook the house and the core to my being. My dad would storm out of the house and slam the doors. I would feel shaken to my core. There was always yelling and cussing in Spanish. Words I could never whimper or my mother would strike them from my lips as soon as the thought crossed my mind.

I felt like my siblings had a bond with each other that I could never be apart of. I was too sensitive, always too emotional. I remember being a child and hiding in the darkness of the closet while my entire body shook from sobbing because of the constant torment I felt inside my soul. I never fit into my family. I always felt like the odd one out, the black sheep, and the ugly duckling. My brother’s would tease me and call me the ugly duckling and that definitely got into my head. When I grew up I started looking for the attention I never received from my father in guys my age, and eventually men. I was always looking for attention in all the wrong places. I was waiting for someone to come and save me from myself. It took me many years to realize that no one would come to rescue me. I had to do that work myself so I could be a decent partner but I didn’t realize that for many years.

Some of the happiest moments of my childhood include me learning how to read. I remember being so enthralled with my ability to read books and escape. I always had a need to escape my reality. I remember being a kid and staying in an after school program. My childhood was short and sweet and I look back on it fondly. I loved playing make-believe on the playground with my two friends. I always kept a small circle. I loved art and crafts and as an adult I learned embroidery, sewing, and cross-stitch as a hobby. I enjoyed photography and showing people my art. I was always extremely imaginative and that’s something I continue to hold onto as an adult. My parents never demanded straight A’s from me but at one point I felt like the pressure was so intense and I didn’t feel like it was fair. My other siblings weren’t held to the same standards as I was but as an adult, I now see that my parents were encouraging me to do my absolute best.

When I was a young child, someone abused me. I never shared what happened to me with anyone else in my family and if anyone had a clue about it, or would ask about it I would pretend I had no memory of what they were talking about. I remember struggling with the constant shame throughout my life. Guilt and shame are themes that pop up into my life.

I fell in love for the first time when I was 16 in high school. I was at my new school after getting transferred out of my local high school because of my emotional issues and drug abuse. I was sitting on the bus on my way to the trade school that I would go to for half the day, I was taking a forensics class. There was a handsome football player that would ride the bus with me and I was sitting with my friend when he leaned over and asked for my number. His name was Tarunbir but I always called him T. I tried not paying any attention to him but he was persistent and it made him all the more attractive. I was smoking meth constantly at this period of my life and he asked me on a date to go eat somewhere and I clearly remember replying with, “I don’t eat.” and smirking at my friend. He asked for my phone so he could call his mom and I let him but he put his number into my phone and asked me to text him.

I had absolutely no intention of talking to him but the next day I was bored at home so I decided to text him. I had no idea this interaction would change the course of my life forever. We became entangled in this relationship or more accurately described as a “trauma bond”. There were clear red flags that I chose to ignore because I thought his jealousy and possessiveness meant he actually loved and cared about me. I was always trying to break up with him but he would show up at my door crying, begging for me back with flowers and gifts. I would always give in. He physically, mentally, and sexually abused me. He abused me in every way but I stayed with him on and off for four years. I was addicted to him like I was addicted to escaping my reality. We gave into each other’s drug abuse and eventually I could only cope by constantly being high. I truly felt stuck with him and I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave him until he left me first. I remember him pushing me and forcing my head into the concrete one night. I remember an incident that happened between us that led me to a trip to the emergency room. I still have the scar on the back of my head. He went to jail but it wasn’t long before we were back together; entangled in a cycle of abuse and denial.

I constantly dealt with suicidal ideation. I remember being 18 years old when I decided I didn’t want to live a moment longer. For a bit of background, I was struggling with my sobriety and I badly wanted out. Earlier that day I had received a message on my blog from someone anonymous telling me to kill myself. Unfortunately I was so sick, I listened. I bought some pills off my dealer and I popped them all. I took one handful after another. I finished them off with my own medications, that I had somehow stockpiled. I was hanging out while my boyfriend, T, went off somewhere. I remember having a soft drink in my hand and a snack with me. I was at the apartment complex that he lived at. I started walking around after I had taken them and I don’t remember much after that. I just know what I was told afterwards. T found me unconscious and not breathing at the bottom of the concrete stairs. He started doing compressions on my chest and I remember the pain of him nearly breaking my ribs as he sobbed on the phone to the paramedics. I don’t remember what he said only that I never heard him cry like that in my life. I remember saying, “Ow” to get him to stop cos the pain was so intense. I was put into a medical coma for a few days. When I woke up, two days later my mom told me they pumped my stomach. I remember while I was intubated how much it bothered me to have that uncomfortable machine in me. I kept attempting to pull it out so they had to tie my arms down. I was basically dead. They didn’t know what was going to happen to me when I woke up. I remember waking up from that coma and asking for my baby sister, Lilibeth. I remember the dry, scratchy feeling in my throat and the hoarseness in my voice. I still carry so much guilt from that day because I know I hurt my siblings irreparably and that’s probably why I’ll never be close with them again. They saw me in so many terrible situations that I’ll never stop feeling guilty about. Words could never describe how sorry I am and I know words will never soothe their pain.

T helped me talk to my parents about sending me to rehab when I was 19 and I couldn’t stop shooting up. I was addicted to feeling the needle as much as I was addicted to drugs slipping into my vein- I could romanticize what I felt and describe it to you in detail. It’s kind of sick. The excitement I felt when I would finally register and push the plunger down was almost better than the high itself. Almost but not quite. I remember sitting on the floor of his room in his mother’s apartment for hours on end trying to hit a vein. It was pure agony because I tried every vein in my arms and legs until I was covered in small pin pricks and bruises. When I finally registered, I can’t even describe to you the calm that would wash over my body. Some people get tweaked out and start bouncing off the walls on meth, but not me. I lay back and felt the iciness crawl up my throat, and I would cough as my heart tried to pound it’s way out of my chest. My rock bottom was when I was filled with agony, covered in pricks and bruises and spending hours on end trying to get high without success. After rehab, T picked me up and brought me home. Not before I relapsed again. My parents made a huge sacrifice financially for me so how did I relapse leaving rehab? I had a Xanax prescription that a doctor had prescribed for me so I didn’t think that was an issue. T still had some of my script on him and I asked him for some. That’s how the slippery slope began. Before I knew it, I was back to shooting meth and then, I fell in love with heroin too. I started hanging out with adults who were ten years older than me and I started dealing drugs to support myself and my habit. I was filled with so much self-hatred and I felt like using drugs was the only way I could escape feeling the constant bombardment of emotions that I was constantly subjected to. I was always miserable and I didn’t know the key to true contentment was within myself.

By October of 2016, I was 20 years old with two rehab stints under my belt which also happened to be wrapped around my arm. I clenched the leather between my teeth as I tirelessly attempted to shoot up a mixture of meth and heroin. I remember being so frustrated because my hands were shaking so hard from withdrawal that when I finally did register, I slipped the rig out of my vein and ruined my drugs because the blood in the syringe had coagulated. I was trying to get high and I ruined my drugs so I chose not to use it had to shoot it into the trash because if I would’ve used it, I was risking a blood clot going to my brain and killing me. I didn’t care about those consequences- but I did care about continuing to get high. A recurring theme in my 7life is a need for escapism and I needed to escape the everlasting depression and misery I constantly felt that tormented me. I felt like I had tried to get clean so many times on my own and I felt like I couldn’t get it right. I wanted so badly to be clean even though I truly believed in my soul that I could only be happy on drugs. I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom when I truly realized how tormented I was, I knew that I was failing at my attempts at sobriety. I couldn’t understand how people in sobriety could “have fun” without drugs. I remember going to young people’s Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and not being able to understand how they could achieve long-term sobriety and be happy. It seemed so fake and unattainable to me but I knew what I kept trying was failing, I had to try something new. T had broken up with me by now, because of my addiction. At the time, I truly loved heroin more than him anyways. Heroin was awful but it never put me through the various types of abuse that he put me through. I was so hurt and angry with him that I swore to myself that I would never go back to him for leaving me when I needed someone there for me. I know it sounds twisted but I’m honestly so thankful that he had left me because it left me with resolve to do something about my situation. I didn’t have the strength to leave and stay gone during our years together because of how vulnerable I was at that point in my life.

I always knew something was different about me. I have a hazy memory about being a small child in elementary school and being attracted to a girl in a way that I had never felt about anyone. I was 6 years old when I had my first “crush” on a girl but I felt shame deeply in my young soul even then. I never pursued my interest in girls until I was an adult and I had my first girlfriend, Kemi. I was still struggling with my sobriety at the time that I met her. She had been sober for two years by the time we were together. I remember her and I sitting on the floor of my bedroom while I fixed myself a shot. I don’t remember exactly what was happening but my parents were throwing a party. I had to wear something to cover the track marks and bruises on my arms even though it was a hot August day. My memories from the time are a bit hazy from the drugs but I made her look away while I did what I had to do. I remember feeling guilty but ultimately not caring that I was possibly risking her sobriety by using around her. I was so self-centered that nothing mattered to me but having the feeling of calmness wash over me. Things ultimately didn’t work out between us but that’s okay. She was good to me and she brought me around A.A. and introduced me to what sobriety had to offer me.

I attempted sobriety again in November of 2016 and I can’t pinpoint exactly what changed this time around. I no longer desired to keep up the facade that I had perfectly crafted. Anyways, it was all crumbling down around me pretty quickly. I remember having a sort of epiphany about the state of my life. I was 20 years old and I was speeding down the highway and into my grave. I don’t think I instantly wanted to live a righteous life or anything close to it, I just needed to try something different. Especially with turning 21 years old in a few days looming over my head. I couldn’t believe I legally couldn’t drink alcohol yet but I could buy heroin and I was a pretty decent hobbyist phlebotomist at this point.

I broke up with Rami last year. I was pretty unhappy with myself and where the relationship was going so I took our dog and moved back into my parent’s house. I needed to start figuring out what I was going to do with myself and my sobriety. The stress I put on myself after Rami relapsed after we broke up in December of 2018 and it absolutely ruined me. It helped lead me here, to Center for Discovery but not before I was hospitalized at Stanford for my low body weight. Rami never asked me to be with him while he struggled with his sobriety. I blamed myself for his relapse even though the rational side of my brain knew it had nothing to do with me. My anxiety was so bad I started restricting and I wasn’t even really aware of it at the time. I just knew that my mind was constantly spinning and I was on the edge of breaking down every day. I would take some anti-anxiety medication and it was like magic, I could finally be calm enough to eat. Rami continued to relapse and I continued to work hard and skip meal after meal. I was becoming frail and I was losing my ability to think clearly. I was worried about how I would pay my bills. I didn’t want to lose the independence from my parents that I finally felt I had earned. The heavy medications I had been taking made it impossible for me to hold down a job. I was finally able to prove to myself that I could work long shifts and over 40 hour weeks. I remember when a 4 hour shift was absolute agony for me. I could never go back to how things were. I earned my independence and I didn’t care if I starved myself to death for it, I wasn’t willing to give it up even though I was sacrificing my health.

Earlier this year I started a new job and it was extremely demanding. It ruined me. Or maybe it put me on the fast track so that I could ruin myself easier. I had to work long hours extremely hungry. My boss didn’t care about me, he saw me as another dispensable person: to be used up until I wasn’t worth anything and he could easily throw me away. I quickly became aware of what kind of person he was and I wondered what I could do. My best bet was finding another job but he paid me pretty well and I didn’t have to worry about a lot of things anymore. I was becoming independent for the first time in my life and that was all I ever wanted. I started skipping meals cos I had so many routes to do. I worked for a cannabis service that existed in a gray area in California law. I worked as a delivery driver and eventually I started working the desk. There was no human resources for me to ever turn to. He called me into work when he needed me and if I didn’t drop everything in that moment to help him, he wouldn’t call me for a few days to make my pockets run dry. I was constantly stressed and unhappy- but the money was good so I stayed. I didn’t have any confidence to go and find another job and he worked me so hard that I was constantly an anxious mess. I was constantly crying and on the edge of a breakdown. I think me staying irregardless of any abuse I faced is a problematic recurring theme in my life.

I was misdiagnosed bipolar for many years. I took every medication they could prescribe me. I’m sure there are a few I hadn’t tried but antidepressants cause a manic reaction in me and make me suicidal. But nonetheless, I took my medication religiously but I was medicating the after-effects of my drug abuse. I kept trying to fix something by taking drugs or taking medications but I didn’t realize the answer was in years of therapy. There’s a lot in my history that I can’t explain or find an answer for but that’s okay, I don’t need to understand everything that happened. All that matters is now. I don’t know how I managed to have so many clinicians misdiagnose me. Even when I tried avoiding the bipolar label I still got diagnosed with cyclothymia. To me that made it pretty clear to me that I was on that spectrum. A few months ago my doctor came to me with a diagnosis that frankly, pissed me off. I had heard it before but I felt like I had been in therapy long enough that I didn’t warrant that diagnosis or the stigma attached to it. When I heard the words “borderline personality disorder” it made me angry and defensive immediately. I definitely feel like that reaction made sense with the diagnosis. The doctors didn’t realize that some of my symptoms may have been residual from my drug use.

I never really realized I was anorexic until I started feeling the pressure to keep up an appearance. And I don’t mean that literally. I didn’t have time to look in the mirror and I hated the skeletal mess that always met my eyes when I would make the mistake of looking at my reflection. I didn’t think I was anorexic but my mind is much clearer now and I see that although a lot of stereotypical behaviors weren’t there, they didn’t need to be. I started looking at what made sense. I took being perfect to a flaw. I couldn’t leave the house unless I was fashionably dressed and if I didn’t have the nicest clothes then I felt bad about myself. If my makeup wasn’t impeccable I wasn’t shit. All I had to hold onto was my appearance of a well put together girl. I still don’t fit into that label, my anxiety has made it feel impossible to eat. I look back on my years of drug use and I see that I definitely used for weight control as well as mood management throughout my adolescence and young adulthood. Labels really don't mean much though cos we're in the same place for similar reasons. I feel like at a time of my life I honestly did hate my body. I think I might have hated it for a long time- for keeping me alive when I’ve wanted so badly to give up. I’ve hated it for not being the same shape or silhouette as other women. But I don’t feel that way anymore. I’m beautiful, scars and all.

I’ve shared the deepest, darkest moments of my life for only one reason: in hopes that someone hears this and knows it doesn’t always have to be so dark. Things get better, maybe not all at once but I promise they do. I never thought I would be able to climb my way out of the pits of hell. I struggled with constantly feeling like I was just digging myself into a deeper hole. Through the adversity that I’ve experienced in my life, I’ve grown as a person and I’ve turned into a woman that I can say that I’m proud to be. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows but I know that the clouds in the sky will part and the rays of the sun will kiss my skin. I always carry hope in my heart and I truly believe things will be okay as long as I continue to keep my goals in mind. I finally understand that I have a purpose in life and that’s to help people. I know I can only achieve that goal if I continue to better myself and it’s been hard work but it’s had to be done.

#autobiography #writing #book

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