#also my coworker left her light on AND forgot her card at the bar. I’m so glad we all didn’t let her hook up with a guy she met

[toadsrbutch]

went out for drinks last night with moss and some of my coworkers and I’m always surprised by 1. how drunk some people get and 2. how easily some people strike conversations up with strangers

[dollslayer]

Sweeter Endings

Sugar Daddy!Steve Rogers x Reader

Summary: Still reeling from the financial realities of losing your mother you turn to a lucrative website for help and get more than you could have bargained for.

W/C: 5,325

Warnings: Smut (no minors 18+ only), light D/S dynamics, brief mentions of alcohol consumption, unprotected sex, swearing

A/N: NO MINORS, I wrote this for @donutloverxo 's Sugary 4k Challenge (Congrats!!) I love sugar daddy AUs so I was really excited to write this!! If you like it then please like/reblog/comment I'm all ears! Also maybe check out my other stuff if you want! Cheers!

Main Masterlist

____

The saying ‘desperate times call for desperate measures’ was truer than you’d ever imagined and you found out the hard way. Life had hit you hard last year. You had watched your mother succumb very quickly to cancer. A cold that just wouldn’t go away turned into a doctor’s visit turned into three months left to live. Having no one else in her life, the cost of her funeral and medical bills fell to you. The bills outweighing the inheritance you had no choice but to drop out of school.

One year later you were hanging on by threads to keep yourself off the streets without turning to a loan shark or selling yourself. Stocking shelves at a bougie grocery store in Soho by day and bartending in Tribeca by night had you working six days a week. What free time you had you were too exhausted to do anything with. Something had to give or you were going to collapse from the stress, you just didn’t know what.

A couple weeks ago you had been casually venting about how broke you were with a coworker when she jokingly suggested signing up for one of those Sugar Daddy sites. You laughed along with her but it sounded better than getting a third job. You had quietly asked one of your roommates to borrow their laptop saying you needed to look at job postings only half a lie, really and locked yourself in your room.

You were just gonna check out the website, maybe sign up and poke around, it didn’t mean you were committing to anything, just looking. You remembered first looking at the website once your shitty wifi loaded it, promising ‘beautiful and successful people making mutually beneficial connections’. You balked after reading that but you couldn’t look at any profiles without making one yourself so you had set to work.

After making your profile you hadn’t gotten any hits in about a week so you shrugged it off. You couldn’t keep hogging your roommate’s computer anyways so you set off back to work. Your days at the store wore on into endless nights at the bar and you wondered what other options you really had when you had no degree and no experience in any relevant field.

___

6 o’clock on a Thursday night, the typical after work crowd begins to roll in. The bar you work in is upscale, classy. Definitely trying to lure in the businessmen that worked in the area and their wallets. It annoyed you to deal with the same type of customers you did at the store all over again but with the high end crowd came good tips so you couldn't complain too much.

It was busier than usual when a group of men in suits walked in together asking for a booth. You saw a lot of business meetings take place over whiskey sours in this place so you didn’t think much of it. You tried your best to keep tending to your regulars when a pair from the group came over.

One of the men had deep brown eyes and a sly grin that when split gave you the perfect view of the gap between his teeth. He was confident but he had a kind look to him. His friend had dirty blond hair and a beard that clung to his perfect jawline and you’d be lying if you said you hadn’t snuck a second look. You turned your back and continued filling orders to distract yourself when one of them cleared their throat behind you.

As you turned to face them you found it was the blond calling after you. His face held a hint of surprise but it was quickly replaced by a look of amusement as he smirked and one brow lifted, like he knew something you didn’t. He was like any other typical customer for you, professional and handsome, probably over-confident in himself. You returned his smirk and prepared your best charming banter. Time to earn those tips.

“Something to drink for you, gentleman?” You offered.

“We’d like a round of scotch for the table over there. You don’t mind bringing it over, do you sweetheart?” the brown-eyed man asked.

“Of course not” you answered. Pricks.

“Good girl” the blond said with a wink. Creep. A hot creep but still. Before you could ask he took his card out of his wallet and put it on the counter for the tab.

____

A round had come and passed, soon they’d asked for another but this time it was just the blond that approached you. You lifted your eyebrows in anticipation of an order.

“You here often?” he asked. Ugh, not even a good pick up line.

“Am I here at my job often?” You retorted with a playful smile.

The man’s shoulders shook as he chuckled. “Sorry you just uh, you look familiar that’s all. What’s your name?”

You supplied him with it and asked him if he wanted another round of scotch. He nodded.

“Smart girl, I’m Steve by the way.” He laid down his business card which you picked up with a look of challenging curiosity. Steve Rogers, CEO of Shield inc.

Oh. You didn’t recognize the name but you definitely knew the company. It felt like a quarter of their employees stopped in for a drink throughout the week and it was prominent enough of a company that you read about it weekly. Play it cool, these types want to feel like an every-man at the bar but still wanna feel important.

You raised your eyebrows again in recognition. “Nice to meet you, Steve, I’ll have your round right out.”

“Good Girl” he winked again at you. Okay so it’s hot, but he’s a total stranger and you don’t even know him. Stay on your game.

___

10 o’clock came around and things were thinning out slightly, regulars made their way out, awkward Tinder dates and rowdy young 20-somethings made their way in. The party of businessmen was still around but they were hopefully wrapping up after the 2 more rounds they’d had. Steve approached the bar once more and you preemptively picked up the bottle of scotch.

“Whoa, easy, girl! I’m here to pick up the tab” He said, taking out his wallet.

“What’s the name on the tab?” You decided to play dumb but based off the grin on his face he knew you were playing with him.

“Steve. Rogers.” He replied, his tone was stern but his eyes told you he was in on the joke.

You cashed him out and left him to sign his receipt so you could make more drinks. You saw him move in your peripheral and turned your head to see his face.

“Have a good night, sweetheart. I’ll be seein’ ya” he promised.

“Take care!” You smiled back.

A few minutes later you circled back to collect his receipt and found three $100 bills staring back at you. You blinked dumbly in disbelief, who the hell leaves a 200% tip? Looking around to see if Steve was still here he was nowhere to be found. You had no choice but to pocket the money.

____

Another week went by and left you wondering how much energy and concentration it would take for you to just evaporate, since that seemed easier than going to work today. Sadly still in solid form, you punched in at the store and stowed your things in your locker.

Your upscale customer base was a mostly pretentious and successful group of yuppies so even though you were grateful to not be on the streets you were constantly reminded of the professional success you couldn’t help but feel that you were missing out on. Stuck instead to listen to incessant whining ‘is this organic? I won’t eat it unless it’s organic’.

The upside of this job was that the time went by quickly because you always had so much to do. Plus with how monotonous the work was it was easy enough to zone out. So much so that you hadn’t heard someone calling your name and approaching you. A hand softly touching your shoulder snapped you into the present.

You looked up, startled to find a pair of blue eyes staring back into yours. You took a step back and processed who it was. “CEO guy?” Steve?

“‘CEO guy?’ I thought I recognized you, ‘barmaid’ or should I say… ‘stock girl?’” He joked using his fingers to make quotations.

Now that you thought about it, the store isn’t that far at all from the bar, it would make sense if he’s in the area. You smiled and tapped your nametag in response.

“I just came in on my lunch to grab a few groceries” looking down at his basket it held some protein powder, some eggs, and one lonely banana. “Clearly, I’m single. But you’d know that already, wouldn’t you?”

Your brows twinged together in confusion. What is that supposed to mean?

“Excuse me?”

He edged a little closer to you and lowered his voice “SeekingConnection.com?”

Your eyes widened in shock. The fucking Sugar Daddy site! I forgot about that! Surprise was quickly replaced with humiliation. You looked down and away as you felt your cheeks heat up.

“I don’t mean to embarrass you” Steve placated, “But I gotta say, I’m pretty hurt you never responded to me. I sent that message weeks ago and let’s just say I’m not used to rejection.” He kept his tone light, letting you know he wasn’t mad.

“I-I um, I’m sorry, I don’t have a computer and they don’t have an app, I was using my roommates’ computer and I guess I forgot about it…” You admitted.

Steve nodded in acknowledgement. Please say something to salvage this conversation. Please.

“Well,” Steve rummaged in his pocket for another business card. “You got a pen on you?”

You dug around in your apron and came up with one. Handing it to him you watched as he wrote on the back of the card. He held the card and the pen out to you.

“That’s my number, I’d ask for yours but I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable, you already look like you wanna sink through the floor” Not helping, but I do. You took them from him and tucked them away in the pocket of your apron.

“You do have a phone right?” You only glared at him in response. “Well, if you check your profile, you would’ve seen I asked you out to lunch, offer still stands. Just text me when you’re free”

Should I even say yes? I mean, the winking the other night was weird but he’s good looking and at least somewhat considerate. I mean, it’s not like I had any other intention when I signed up for that site. What the hell. right?

“I… usually work mid shifts so I don’t know if lunch is doable, they only give me half an hour but, maybe we could do coffee? I’ve got tomorrow off from the bar I could meet you” you suggested.

If Steve felt pity for you he hid it well behind the wide smile he made when you offered coffee instead.

“There’s a place around the corner from here, just up a block, you know it? I’m off tomorrow at 6, why don’t you meet me there?”

“Sounds like a plan.” He winked at you again and started walking away. What the hell just happened?

____

You did end up borrowing your roommate’s computer once again when you got home to look up Steve’s DM. Sure enough, there he had been in all his internet glory. ‘Steve, 33, CEO. likes: art, conversation, whiskey. Digging around further on his profile you found that he owned several houses here and in Europe, he had a dog that was cuter than he was, and that he was ‘Seeking deeper connection’. All of these things piqued your interest.

‘Hey, Doll. Saw your profile and I had to ask, what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this? Kidding, of course. But maybe you’d care to tell me your story over lunch? Your profile says we’re both in New York. - Steve’ Sent three weeks ago. Fuck.

You had texted him earlier to confirm, which is how you found yourself walking up the sidewalk towards the shop with a mind running rampant with nervous thoughts. What if he just wants to feel big about himself in comparison to me? What would I even really have to offer the relationship? A college dropout working two dead-end jobs with no social life. You needed to snap yourself out of it. You were just meeting for coffee doesn’t mean anything.

Pushing open the door you found Steve waving at you from a quiet corner. He was still in a suit, presumably coming from work himself. Even the buttons on his shirt looked expensive. You were wearing dirty jeans and a worn pair of work boots paired with a flannel. You couldn’t have looked more different if you tried.

“I waited for you to order,” He said. You smiled up at him, only now realizing how tall he was in comparison to you. He ushered you both towards the counter where you both placed your orders. You moved to take your wallet from your purse but he had already beat you there.

“Really? As if I’d let the lady pay, and on the first date no less?” He said playfully.

“Oh, so this is a date now, is it?” You kidded.

Steve shoved his hands in his pockets and gave you that boyish grin and a shrug. The pair of you made your way back to the table and waited for your drinks to be brought over.

“How was work?” You asked, “What exactly is it that your company does?”

“We offer security and surveillance software domestically as well as international. Stadiums, airports, other government buildings. Things of that nature. And work was fine, thank you for asking” Steve said with a genuine smile. “How was your day, doll?”

“Oh, my day was fine, more of the same but y’know,” You answered half-heartedly.

“You know, you never answered me, what’s a funny, pretty gal like you doing on a site like that?”

Embarrassment hit you again, this time maybe accompanied with a hint of shame. You were saved momentarily by your drinks being delivered. He seemed truly interested and since he was paying you supposed you owed him an answer.

“I was going to Columbia and I had a pretty good internship when my mom got diagnosed with cancer. She died three months later and since it was only always just the two of us I ended up footing the bill. I was on partial scholarship but between the hospital and the funeral I can’t really afford the rest of tuition on top of working for free so here I am” you explained, “Oh my god, I’m sorry I’m totally oversharing aren’t I? You probably don’t wanna hear about a bummer like this, sorry”

You tried to laugh to ease the tension you thought you’d created. Braving a look at Steve, he looked thoughtful and only a little bit like he pitied you. You could live with that.

“I’m really sorry about your mom, mine also got really sick before she died, I know it must’ve been hard. What were you in school for?”

___

You and Steve talked for hours, trading anecdotes of childhood and talking about each other’s interests. You had a similar sense in humour so you got on swimmingly. The evening seemed to be coming to a close as the night sky sent in through the window.

Being with Steve was probably the most relaxed you’d felt since before your mom was diagnosed. It became difficult to focus on anything but your financial situation and even though that’s what brought you here in the first place you had managed to forget all about it.

“So look, us getting together wasn’t exactly the most conventional on meet-cutes but to put it bluntly,” He said, “The CEO life makes it hard to meet real people and it gets kinda lonely, I mean, you saw my grocery basket” You both laughed at that. “You need money and I need company, I feel like we could help each other out. Whad’ya say? Think you could put up with me?”

You knew what this was but hearing it put so plainly was a little surprising. At least he was to the point.

“So if I said yes what does that mean, exactly?” you inquired.

“Well,” he started, “We take care of each other. Let me cover some of your bills at the very least, make it so you’d be comfortable quitting at least one of your jobs. And you’d keep me company, we go on dates, maybe you could come over, there’s the occasional work event or charity gala I’d need you on my arm for. Thoughts?”

God I can’t even imagine what it’s like to work only one job anymore. Maybe I could even save up and go back to school. He’s cute and he seems sensible, why not?

“Could we maybe take things slow? What you describe is something I’m down for but I don’t want to make myself completely dependent on you. But I’d love to be there for you, and I have to admit, the thought of only working one full time job is pretty crazy to me” You laughed.

Steve swallowed and placed one of his large, warm hands over yours.

“I can do things the old fashioned way, if that’s what you’d feel good with. I gotta say though, with looks like that it’s not gonna be easy” he jested.

You smiled shyly and looked away. You both stood to leave and he held the door open for you.

“I’ve already got your number from when you texted me earlier but I’ll talk to my assistant about my schedule and maybe I could take you out to dinner this weekend?”

“I um, I’d really like that. It’s a date” You stated.

“Oh, so you think this is a date now?” He jested.

You lightly punched him in the arm and he took the opportunity to pull you closer to him. You looked up to find his face inches from yours. You could smell his aftershave and his deep voice gave you goosebumps when he spoke next.

“I kinda want to kiss you goodnight, would that be okay?”

You could only nod as he shut his eyes and closed in. Your lips met in one perfect, chaste kiss. You sighed and leaned into his hand as it briefly cupped your face.

You broke apart and made promises to see each other soon. You felt like you could’ve floated home as you boarded the subway, caught up in the swarm of newly forming feelings.

_____

You sat in the break room when your phone buzzed to life, ‘Saturday at 7?’

You were about to type out a yes when you forgot you worked closing at the bar. Your thumbs moved quickly to tap out the reply ‘Working, sorry :/ the pitfalls of bartending. Sunday at 7?’

You were nervous telling him no and asking to change plans. You hated not being able to make things work but you only just met the man and the weekend tips were killer, it’s not like you could turn the shift down.

‘Ah yes, almost forgot. Sunday works too, I’ll text you the details. What’s your address? I’ll pick you up’

Oh, God. Steve can’t see my building! His cufflinks probably cost more than my rent!

‘I’ll just meet you there, don’t worry about it’

‘Not a chance, doll. Just tell me where and I’ll come get you’

You let out a worried sigh but knew you had to let it go. You sent him your address and went back to work.

____

Saturday was maybe the longest day in your entire week, in fact you loathed it. Mornings at the store followed by running immediately to the bar. Last call in New York was 4am so it’s a good thing you didn’t try to make brunch plans with Steve for Sunday. But ultimately both your shifts passed without major incident and now it was Sunday and you tried to ready yourself the best you could.

The place Steve mentioned was fancy, you knew that much from a quick search. Panicking instantly upon realizing you don’t really have any nice clothes you turned to your most fashionable roommate for help. She loaned you a cocktail dress that was revealing enough to draw interest without giving everything away. You just hoped Steve would like it.

‘Downstairs, doll. Silver BMW’ you exhaled. Hoo boy, here we go.

____

Steve handed his keys to the valet and rushed around to open your door for you. You held his hand and you clambered onto the sidewalk in your heels. His warm hand on the small of your back as he steered you towards the doors was a comforting weight.

Dinner has been lovely so far, he chose a place that wasn’t completely white-glove but was upscale enough to make you feel only a little underdressed.

You joked back and forth with him over the course of the meal, talked about your lives, and even found out you both have a guilty pleasure for cheesy rom-coms. It wasn’t until dessert and your third glass of wine came that you realized how much time had passed. You frowned slightly thinking of the early morning ahead of you followed by a long night at the bar.

“What’s wrong, doll?”

“Oh, nothing I just didn’t realize how late it was, I’ve got both jobs tomorrow it’ll just be a long day that’s all” you tried to wave it off but Steve frowned in response.

“Quit the bar” he stated.

“What?”

“Quit the bar. This is your card, I’ve already loaded $3000 on there. Put me in touch with your landlord and I’ll get you taken care of.” He slid the card across the table to you. Your name printed on the front. This got real very quickly.

“Steve, that’s.” You were in shock, a loss for words almost “that’s too much, I don’t know what to say.” You felt embarrassed taking the money. You knew that was the essence of your arrangement but actually taking his money had you feeling uneasy.

“Honey, this is what I’m here for. Let me take care of you. Give up your late nights. I wanna take you out on the weekends and you’ll need to be available for events. You can stay at the store if you want but quit the bar, you don’t need it.”

You took a deep sigh. He did say he wanted you to be comfortable quitting one of your jobs; it's just making the change that scares you. But something about Steve felt safe so you nodded and looked up to him.

“I’ll put in my two weeks”

“Good girl” he patted your knee and you involuntarily clenched your thighs. He smirked at that but let it go.

____

A few months had come and gone since that night and your time with Steve had been great. Only working the one job gave you so much more free time. You'd spent a good chunk of it just trying to form a normal sleep schedule but all the time you spent with Steve made it difficult. Not that you minded especially since your allowance was monthly but he’d showered you with gifts here and there.

They started off small, perfume, chocolates and flowers, or a simple pair of white gold hoops that reminded him of you. They gradually became pricier and more elaborate. You’d felt guilty accepting it all at first but he was insistent you deserve the best. He had even mentioned you moving out maybe finding a better place but you reminded him you needed to go slow.

He’d also been nothing short of a gentleman. Out in public at least, you’d learned the hard way that he was an absolute animal in bed. It was becoming increasingly difficult to keep your hands off of him.

Something you had appreciated about Steve is that he never made you feel bad or less than for being broke. Never held his money over your head like leverage. You’d felt equal to him in all aspects, understanding you had just as much say as he did.

Still, there was a small nagging voice in the back of your head that reminded you Steve is not your boyfriend. This isn't a relationship and he's looking to get something out of just like you are. But if you were being honest you were catching feelings, it was hard not to when the man was giving you the fantasy. You decided to push that voice aside whenever it came up and let yourself be swept away. Maybe that would bite you in the ass but for now you were happy.

____

You were buzzed into Steve’s building and on the elevator ride up to his penthouse your phone buzzed. ‘I have to make a quick call- I’ve got a present waiting for you in the living room.’ You couldn’t help but feel giddy.

The doors opened and Steve was nowhere in sight but as you entered the living room a bag from Chanel and the Apple Store sat on the table. Oh god, what this time? I swear this man is too much.

You opened the smaller bag from Chanel first and found a beautiful black and white evening bag. It was sleek and simple, very much to your tastes. You were nervous to open the Apple bag, Steve always went overboard. Shakily removing the paper you pulled out the slim case in disbelief. A MacBook Air and a pair of AirPod Pros. The man well and truly spoiled you.

“You said you didn’t have a computer.” His voice came from behind you and startled you.

“Steve, this is too much. You’re too much.” You swung your arms around his neck and kissed him.

“Nothin’s too much for you, doll.” He kissed the top of your head.

“Think you could take a couple days off of work? I just got off the phone and confirmed plans for my house in Nice.”

A trip? France?? Oh my god. How is this my life? You felt so overwhelmed that you grabbed Steve by the collar and brought his face down to meet you in a kiss. His tongue swiped your lips and you granted him entrance. Moaning into his mouth your hands traveled up into his hair, pulling softly and coaxing a groan out of him.

He guided you to sit on the couch and brought you down into his lap. You ground down onto him and felt his hard-on through his slacks. Your hand moved slowly to undo the buttons of his shirt as he kissed down your jaw towards your neck. You sighed softly when he found your sweet spot and started sucking.

He helped you take off his shirt while you got started on his belt and undid his pants. He lifted himself off the couch slightly to move them down to his knees, taking his briefs with them. His cock stood proud and an angry red, leaking at the tip.

“I wanna ride you, I can’t wait.” You pouted as you writhed against him in need.

Steve tutted at you “that’s no way to get what you want. Ask me nicely, baby. Beg to ride my cock,”

You ground down even harder and whined. “Please, sir, please let me ride your cock. I need to feel you, I can’t wait any longer please.”

“Good Girl” Steve's hands flipped up your skirt and found your panties, ripping them to shreds. They were La Perla and had cost a pretty penny but he didn’t care.

He lined himself up and brought you down harshly gripping your hips. You moaned loudly in surprise and satisfaction and wasted no time moving back and forth. Steve made you feel so close and connected to him whenever he fucked you but he still made you feel sordid and dirty. You couldn’t get enough of the feeling, you’d gladly chase it.

His eyes were hooded as watched you chase your own pleasure and giving him some in return. His hands kneaded your ass and smacked it just to get a gasp out of you. He grabbed the back of your head and brought you in for a searing kiss that was all teeth and tongue. He’d nip at you and lick the pain away.

His hips met yours, finding your rhythm and speeding you both up when he gripped your hips.

“Can’t wait to have me, you had to fuck me on the couch huh?” Steve panted, “my dirty girl. So fuckin’ gorgeous.”

You put your forehead against his and went harder, pushing your clit to grind against the muscles of his abs.

“Only yours, sir.” Your orgasm was building. Steve was a pretty relaxed dom but you still needed permission.

“Sir, please let me cum I can’t wait any longer” you tried your best to slow your movements a bit.

“I think you can hold it baby, I wanna enjoy you a little longer”.

You could only whine in response and tried to slow your pace but his grip on your hips and his own movements pushed you further and further towards the edge. You tried to squirm out of his grasp but his hands only tightened. It felt like forever until Steve finally gave you permission.

“Go on baby, cum for me you earned it. Fuck your self on my cock and cum all over me”

Your movements were frantic, desperate to chase your orgasm when finally the perfect angle of his cock inside you and your clit against him set you free. You cried out above him and dug your nails in deep.

Steve held you firmly in place and started slamming into you from below, finally letting himself think about cumming. All you could do was hold on for mercy. Moments later he brought you down onto him one final slam as he came inside of you with a cry.

The only sound in the room was both of you trying to catch your breath. You sighed again and collapsed against him, nuzzling your face into his neck. He kissed the side of your face and let you make yourself at home while he caressed your back.

____

One shower and two more orgasms later you were both clean and made your way to the kitchen. Steve was gathering the ingredients for dinner when you hugged him from behind. Your head resting against his back. Steve twisted around and hugged you in full. You both stayed like that for a moment until you looked up at him.

You were so content. Moments like this where you were just domestic were some of the best between you. It wasn’t about money or material, it was just the two of you making dinner and enjoying each other, no barriers.

“Are you really going to take me to France?” Your voice came out muffled against his chest.

“Of course, doll. After dinner I want you to use your new laptop to buy some outfits for the trip. I left my card in your new purse.”

You lifted onto your tiptoes and kissed his nose.

“You really do think of everything, don’t you?”

“What can I say? I’m a planner” he retorted.

You didn’t know it yet but Steve was going to ask you to become official while you were there. He wasn’t worried in the slightest. In fact he’d never been so sure about something in his life.

[bellestalesoffiction]

Clean Love

Pairing: Eventual Mob!Steve x Reader

Warnings: Descriptions of violence, a swear here or there, minor shit talk

A/N: I wrote this in the span of two days over 6 hours. I’m not sure if I'll continue with this, but I was inspired to write for the first time in years. Please don't judge too hard. Also sorry for the shitty summary! Feedback appreciated!

Summary: She’s a city girl, an artist with a day job, because how else is she gonna pay the bills. She cleans for Tony Stark’s offices, one day she has the pleasure of cleaning up a mess made by the most feared boss in all of New York, Steve Rogers.

It was brisk, just like any normal autumn morning in New York. Steve stepped out of his town car, fixing his coat, before heading into the tall building that held the name 'Stark' in large letters high in the sky. Another meeting with his god-father about one of many deals that their organizations made. Today would be a messy one, held in the lower levels of the looming building. Someone in their lower ranks had tried to steal half a shipment of guns and ammo, they didn't get far at all. Steve's right hand man and best friend had gotten the three who tried before they even left the docks.

Two of the three men were already at the bottom of the harbor, the third was currently on the lowest floor. Most likely the traitor was bruised and beaten into cooperation, or so Steve hoped, he really didn't want to bruise his knuckles or ruin his new Armani shirt.

The few people milling about the lobby paid no attention to Steve as he strode past. He nodded at the security guard on duty before heading past the main elevators and towards a back hallway to a private lift. It was one of two elevators that reached  the lower levels, the other elevator was used by maintenance staff and regular employees to reach the underground parking (not the floors below said parking  that Steve was headed to now).

The doors to the elevator opened up after Steve input a 6-digit code, he stepped on pressing the corresponding level switch before clasping his hands in front of him. There was no music during his decent, no soothing calming or annoying music, just silence. The doors slowly parted, opening up to a metal gate, on the other side of which stood James Buchanan Barnes, "Bucky" as Steve knew him growing up. The sight of the slightly shorter dark-haired man made the mob boss grin slightly.

"So Buck, how's our friend?" Steve smirked walking alongside his right-hand.

Bucky smiles, it's almost sinister, "He's about ready to talk boss. Tony's waiting right outside for ya, wants you in the room for intimidation factor."

Steve nods, spying Tony up ahead. He gives the older man a nod, showing his respect with a hand on his chest reaching for the other man's hand. Tony smiles and returns the gesture, pulling Steve in for a quick familial hug and a pat on the back. They step apart after a moment, "You ready?" asks Tony, receiving a nod from Steve. 

The older man twists the handle and pushes the door open, the room behind it was rather large, deep and wide. A single bulb hung from an exposed wire, the only source of light in the room. The temperature was low, cold enough to make your fingers go numb and just cold enough to see your breath leave your lips. In the center, just below the exposed bulb was a chair, tied down to said chair was a man, blood running from his ear, nose and mouth, one eye swollen shut. Tony approached him slowly, circling around him, just on the edge of the light.

"Do you know why you're here, hmm?" Tony continued to circle the man, getting closer to him with each step.

"Let me tell you why," Tony stood behind him, grabbing his shoulders tightly, making the man wince. "You and your little friends tried to steal from us." Tony motioned to Steve and himself, the former staying just in the shadows.

"You tried to take 250 semi automatic weapons and sell them off, to who? And for what? You knew that if you got caught you'd end up dead... what's so important you'd risk your life? Or rather who?" Tony smacked the back of the man's head, pretending to have a moment of clarity, "Oh That's right! Your wife, Georgia... She's pregnant with your first kid right?"

The man tensed, "You wanted to get her away from all this right? Set her up somewhere you wouldn't be found?" Tony began to circle his chair again.

"You never would've been safe you know, we'd find you anywhere. We'll find her anywhere she goes." Steve smirked, Tony continued, "Who were your buyers?"

The man glanced up at Tony before he spat at him, right in his face. Tony wipes at his face, turning and nods to Steve, giving him the que to take over. Stepping forward slowly, Steve grins, making his way towards the chair. The man's eyes widen, fixed on the knife in Steve's hand. He squirms and yells out, no one moves or tries to intervene as Steve begins to slice into the man.

"Stop! Stop!! Please!" Tony doesn't listen, watches the man's face as he cries like a baby.

"He won't stop until you talk... Mr. Rogers here doesn't take too kindly to people who take his things," Steve smirks, moving to press his knife to the mans cheekbone, "... maybe after he's done we'll send your head to your lady" Tony chuckled watching the man go white as a sheet.

"Please, no, leave her out of this, I'll tell you anything!"

Steve glares at him, pressing hard with his knife, "Your buyers names, who put you up to this?"

"S Sitwell, his name's Jasper Sitwell!", that was all they needed to hear.

She hurried up the street, jacket half on and a granola bar hanging out of her mouth. Her alarm hadn't gone off, the power in her building had somehow gone out during the night causing the events leading up to now. She had overslept by a good half hour, she had skipped her shower and a real meal, having time to barley grab a snack for breakfast before running out the door 5 minutes late already.

Weaving and dodging through the crowds, she made her way down a back alley stopping at a door with a pass card sensor. She digs through her purse, grabbing her Stark Towers cleaning badge and swipes it, successfully walking into the building.

"Hey Y/N, you're wanted for a mess on level 26!", one of her coworkers calls out.

She groans, "I just walked in, I'm not even on the clock yet!"

"Yeah and the supervisor isn't happy about that. She said it's your punishment" Y/N sighs and nods punching in as she quickly scarfs down the rest of her breakfast and tosses her coat on the back of a chair. As you can probably guess by now, Y/N cleaned pretty much anything she was told to clean inside the tower. She was one of 3 cleaning ladies, besides her was Wanda Maximoff and Jessica Drew. The girls supervisor was one Felicia Hardy, who once was just a cleaning lady like the rest of them. Felicia had stabbed the trio in the back and thrown them under the bus for her mistake with their last supervisor, convincing the hiring staff that she was the most competent to take over the position. The maintenance team knows Felicia isn't meant to be where she is, the position should have been Jessica's, Felicia just knew how to brown nose better.

As they say, speak of the devil and she will appear, "Y/N, floor 26 now! Men's room on the south end had two urinals that went out of order!" Felicia snaps sauntering into the room. Besides ordering her around, the woman made her way to the coffee machine for a refill.

Y/N rolled her eyes and threw her (hair color) locks into a ponytail to keep it out of her face. She turned and made her way down the hall to the supply room bumping into Scott and Luis, the two maintenance men for the building, besides their supervisor Flash Thompson.

Luis waves and smiles, "Morning y/n, how was your weekend?"

Y/n smiled and gave him the rundown as she gathered her cleaning supplies, groceries, another failed date and a dozen texts from her ex trying to get back with her. Nothing out of the ordinary.

"Man, he just won't leave you alone," Scott huffed, annoyed for her. "Well if you need anyone to help you get the guy off your tail, let me know. I'd gladly offer my services."

Y/n smiled softly and nodded, "Thanks Scott, but I can handle it. You guys already fix the busted urinals on 26?"

Luis nods and makes a fake retching noise, "It's only Monday and already some asshole decided to-"

She cuts him off, "I don't wanna know, all I need to know is that it's fixed so I can clean the floors. You left the Out of order sign up right?"

Luis smiles sheepishly and shakes his head no. The man was good at his job, he could fix pretty much everything well enough, his only problem was that he often forgot about the cleaning crew and forgets to mark the areas that need cleaning out of order so the regular staff don't go in. She sighs, shaking her head, oh Luis. She picks up her cleaning bucket and pushes the mop bucket towards the service elevator and waits quietly.

The elevator dings and opens up, allowing her to step inside. She presses the corresponding button and waits, mind wandering to lunch and what's close and cheap. The elevator dings again and she makes her way off. The rest of her day is just as boring, cleaning more bathrooms and a few meeting rooms. Finally the day comes to an end, she heads back to the maintenance break room, only to be stopped half way by Felicia.

"Oh, Y/n, great, glad I caught you. Mr. Stark called and needed someone to do a quick wipe down outside his office. Security had to get involved and well, Mr. Stark doesn't want blood stains on the carpet," Felicia smirks at her, "Besides, it's not like you have anywhere to be tonight, or any night."

Y/n frowns softly, nodding and averting her eyes. When the young woman wasn't working she was making art, drawings, pastel illustrations and paintings even. She loved art more than anything, it was her passion growing up, helped her forget the harsh environments she lived in. Currently she was building a portfolio to submit to a few lower end galleries, hoping to spread her name and gain some recognition. Now here she was, stuck at work cleaning up after millionaires and office snobs just to pay the rent, pushing her dreams to the back burner.

Her supplies gathered once more, she heads up to the top floor, anxiously. She had never gone up that high, never had she been asked to clean anywhere near Mr. Starks office, normally that was Jessica or Felicia who took care of that. The ding snapped her out of her train of thought as she stepped out onto the floor cautiously. Giving the hall a once over she headed towards Mr. Starks office, his personal assistant should still be there if there was a mess to clean. The woman she knew only by name, her name was Natasha Romanoff. Ms. Romanoff had a particularly sharp eye for details and a 'no half ass' policy when it came to anything. Y/n had only interacted with the woman once, and that was when Felicia threw them under the bus. Now here she was, leaning against her desk tapping away at her phone.

"Good, you're here. My desk needs a total wipe down and when Mr. Stark is done he'll need some clean up on the marble in front of his desk," Natasha explained without looking up once.

Y/n nodded, "Yes Ms. Romanoff, I'll get right on that."

And she did, doing a thorough cleaning of the sides of her desk and the top, making sure not to move any of her personal items and work around the woman herself. Once she was finished with the desk and the floor in front of the desk she stood still, waiting for the ok to head into the CEO's office. Natasha finally glanced up at her, eyeing her in a very unsettling way. Almost as if the woman was peering into the very depths of her mind.

"You can go in now." Natasha nodded to the door and stood opening it for her. Three men were still standing inside, but quiet. "Gentlemen, the cleaner is here"

( @kayteewritessteve​ @katurrade​ @kaybrownies​ )

[dreamycastaway]

it is the hour

summary: 

“Youcanalwayscrashatmyplaceifyouneedto,” Martin said, forcing the words out of his mouth fast enough that he couldn’t think better of it and offer to call his boss a cab instead.

“What?”

Martin took a deep breath. “I said, ‘you can always crash at my place if you need to.’” It took all of Martin’s willpower not to close his eyes. Instead, he watched Jon’s face, waiting for the shorter man to make up his mind.

Shout out to @lime-pigeon for the concept!

I'm dreamycastaway over on ao3 also, this fic is posted there under the same title as this post. no links because tumblr doesnt like them i guess

Martin hadn’t known when the event “Boys’ Night” had appeared in the office calendar – no one in the Archive had seemed to know. Tim denied having created it, and no one had bothered to ask the Head Archivist if he’d done it, as no one believed that the phrase “Boys’ Night” had even been in his vocabulary prior to its appearance on the calendar.

Tim had, of course, asked Sasha if she had set it up, but she said she hadn’t. Martin had gingerly approached her later to ask her if she minded not being invited. She’d said no, and actually, she thought it was rather thoughtful that whoever had planned it had remembered she would be attending a friend’s rehearsal dinner that night. Martin had been unable to delete the event, and as attempts by any of the rest of the Archive staff had proven similarly futile, they had eventually stopped trying.

None of them knew for sure if they were bound to the events on the office calendar, but Tim’s attempts to ditch staff meetings had been strangely unsuccessful since they had started working in the Archive, and Martin had felt a sneaking suspicion that any of them trying to get out of this wouldn’t do them much good. Sure enough, on the fateful evening marked for “Boys’ Night”, Martin found himself sitting in a softly lit booth in a small pub, ordering chips and drinks alongside Tim and Jon.

**

Martin had been nervous all day. He was nervous all day most days, but this had given him something to fixate on. As opposed to his typical diffuse anxiety, which floated like a prickly fog over everything, this had been a hailstorm targeted on the approaching evening out. Was it going to be awkward? Was he going to be too tall and big to fit in some tiny booth at some random pub? Was Jon going to go back to work afterwards? Martin knew he had been overworking himself, but it would be different to see it himself, to see that resigned and frightened look on Jon’s face as he mumbled something about there being ‘more to be done.’ What if someone got sick? What if it turned out Jon hated him in a social setting? The onslaught of concerns had played ceaselessly on a cruel loop since Martin had woken up that morning.

But now that he was here, the whole thing felt surprisingly fine. Good, even. They’d asked Martin to pick the location, so he’d been able to pick a homey spot just a few blocks from his flat. Tim had hit on the hostess, who had brought them their new schmaltz fries “to try”, with a wink at Tim that indicated to Martin that the huge basket of chips would probably be free. And while Jon still looked tired and unapproachable, he wasn’t quite as hunched over as usual, wasn’t acting quite as defensive as he typically did. Martin felt strongly that this qualified as the Archivist loosening up, and had to prevent himself from smiling as he watched Jon listen to Tim tell a story about a kayaking trip without looking over his shoulder even once.

“Another round?” Tim asked jovially as he finished his story, and Martin was surprised to see Jon tip forward his empty glass in agreement.

“Oh, sure,” Martin said, moving to stand and walk with Tim to the bar.

“Don’t worry, I got it,” Tim said, picking up all three glasses almost effortlessly and walking towards the bar. Martin realized why Tim had been so courteous as he watched him lean easily on the old wood bar to flirt with the dark-haired bartender, who seemed to be eating him up.

Jon let out a short, good-natured laugh from the other side of the booth. “Figures Tim would be able to find a handsome date, even at an office function,” he said.

Martin looked back at Jon, trying not to let disappointment creep into his expression as he realized that his pale complexion and squishy figure were about as different from the lanky, tan, “handsome” bartender as possible. He frowned before he could stop himself.

Jon grimaced. “I’m sorry, probably not the type of commentary you want from your boss.” He paused, and when he continued speaking his voice was softer and sadder. “I guess I forgot about work for a moment.” The way he said it made it sound as if he thought it was a bad thing that he’d managed to forget about work, and Martin felt his heart sink.

“No, no, it’s not that …” Martin hadn’t been sure where this sentence had been going when he started it, and he still wasn’t sure now, as Jon raised an eyebrow and waited for Martin to finish his clarification. “Well, it’s more …” He was starting to wonder how he had managed to let a three-line conversation go so cataclysmically wrong when Tim plopped back down next to Jon with their drinks.

“Sorry, guys! Here you go,” Tim said. Martin breathed an almost imperceptible sigh of relief as the conversation turned to the most important architectural landmarks in London, hoping that his awkwardness had been forgotten. They continued on like this for some time: Jon consistently surprised his coworkers by being up for another round, Tim continued regaling them with stories of his adventurous vacations while Jon occasionally interjected with a bit of trivia about a location or historical figure Tim mentioned. The more Martin drank the warmer and softer the light felt, and he was happy to mostly watch and listen.

**

Eventually, the last of the sunlight faded and the street lights went on, and still they sat there, drinking and talking. Tim asked if they were up for one last round, deciding not to wait for their answer before heading off to the bar. When he came back, he was holding just two drinks.

“Who’s cut off?” Martin asked. John raised an eyebrow and waited, expectantly.

“Oh, no one, I’m just headed out,” Tim said with a grin, nodding towards where the bartender was putting his coat on. “I closed out your tabs; this last one’s on me,” Tim said, flashing Martin a wink as he handed him and Jon their cards back. “See ya Monday!”

“See you Monday, Tim,” Jon said. Martin just nodded as he felt a flush rise in his face, and hoped desperately that Jon hadn’t noticed Tim’s wink. He brought his glass up to his lips to try and hide his blush, not even bothering to look at what Tim had brought him. He didn’t put his glass down until he’d finished what he thought based on the taste must be some kind of whiskey cocktail.

“Martin, you wouldn’t happen to have a book with you?” Jon asked as Martin put his glass down. The timing was so exact that Martin knew that Jon must have been watching him, waiting for him to finish. He could feel himself blushing again, and with no way to hide it, was forced to resort to hoping Jon would assume it was the liquor. He nodded and reached into his satchel, fishing out his hardcover collection of Romantic poetry.

While this was normally the type of thing he wouldn’t own up to carrying with him at all times, the alcohol had taken hold just enough that he pushed the worn-down volume towards Jon without thinking much of it. It seems Jon didn’t think much of it either, as he opened it to a random page and plucked the lavender out of his cocktail. He dried the stems off carefully, sipping his drink as he placed the flowers between the pages of Martin’s book, seemingly without reading any of the printed text or Martin’s annotations. Martin watched, confusion weighing on his brow, as the other man finished his drink and delicately closed the book. He handed it back to Martin, who placed it gingerly in his satchel, being careful not to crush the bit of lavender stem Jon had left sticking out from the pages.

“Sorry,” Jon mumbled. “It’s just … something I do. Sometimes. I hope it’s okay.” He was by no means slurring his speech, and someone who had never heard his normal way of speaking might not have even thought him to be drunk. But to Martin, who spent his days at the office hanging on to every punctuated word and purposeful pause that came out of Jon’s mouth, the difference was obvious, and potentially concerning. “If the flowers bother you, we can throw them out. It’s just a French lavender and I thought, well, it might be nice to save it, you know, I mean, as a memento,” as the Archivist continued babbling, Martin adjusted his previous assessment: the difference was obvious, and definitely concerning.

“Jon, Jon,” Martin said, realizing that his words were also slow and sloppy. He still didn’t fully understand what Jon had been doing with his book of poems, but decided it probably wasn’t that big a deal. “It’s fine, it’s completely fine.”

Jon smiled at this, a real smile, not a smirk or that expression he sometimes made that was supposed to be a smile but was really just him sort of pursing his lips, and Martin felt himself grin before he could stop himself. He hadn’t seen Jon genuinely smile since they’d all changed departments. They sat like that for a moment, smiling at each other in the soft light for no real reason at all.

“Last call! We’re closing in fifteen minutes,” the hostess’ voice rang out, breaking through their haze.

“Oh, we should go,” Martin said, not wanting to be the table that prevented them from closing up the pub for the night. Jon nodded, and got clumsily to his feet. Martin waved goodnight to the hostess as they stepped out the door into the cool nighttime. A fine mist hung in the air; the promise of rain later that night.

“Jon, are you going to be okay getting home?”

Jon looked up at Martin, blinking slowly. “Oh. I’m, uh, sure I’ll be fine,” he looked around, seemingly disoriented. “I think the night bus in my neighborhood should still be running by the time I get back there.”

“Are you sure?”

Jon paused. Martin figured Jon must be really drunk; sober Jon would respond to any query that questioned his competence harshly and immediately.

“Youcanalwayscrashatmyplaceifyouneedto,” Martin said, forcing the words out of his mouth fast enough that he couldn’t think better of it and offer to call his boss a cab instead.

“What?”

Martin took a deep breath. “I said, ‘you can always crash at my place if you need to.’” It took all of Martin’s willpower not to close his eyes. Instead, he watched Jon’s face, waiting for the shorter man to make up his mind.

“I, uh, wouldn’t want to impose on you like that,” Jon said.

“It’s really no trouble, Jon,” Martin said, recognizing the script they were following. They both knew neither of them could acknowledge outright that Jon should stay at Martin’s, even though they both knew that’s what was going to happen at the end of this conversational dance.

“I mean, only if you’re sure. I’m sure I can get back to my place.”

“It’s already getting late; I only live a few blocks away.”

“You can kick me out early tomorrow. I wouldn’t want to disrupt your Saturday.”

“I don’t have any plans tomorrow morning.”

“Okay, well. Only if you’re sure it’s not going to bother you.”

“I’m sure, Jon.”

A silence hung between them for a moment. “Okay,” Jon sighed. “Okay. Thank you, Martin.”

“This way, then,” Martin said, gesturing down the street. The walk would normally only take Martin three or four minutes, but given that Jon’s legs were shorter than his and they were both a little off balance, he figured that tonight it would take too long to pass the trip in silence.

“So, what were you doing with that flower?”

Jon looked away. “Oh, I, uh … my grandmother taught me how to press flowers. She tended to take them as souvenirs from places we went.” He paused. Martin waited. “We didn’t do things together too often. It’s just … one of my only fond memories of childhood, and … I don’t have many occasions to do it anymore.”

Martin wasn’t sure how to react to Jon’s statement – like much of what Jon said, it contained both something Martin found incredibly endearing and also a deep-rooted sadness, and Martin, per usual, wasn’t sure which to react to. He desperately wanted to envelop Jon in a hug, whisper something kind into his ear. But Jon seemed embarrassed talking about it at all, and Martin knew he was already pushing his luck tonight.

“That’s lovely, Jon,” Martin said, trying and failing to use the tone of voice a colleague would use, as opposed to someone more familiar. Jon smiled, a soft, clumsy smile that made Martin almost drop the keys to his building. Who would have thought he’d be such a cute drunk? Martin thought as he fumbled with the key in the lock of the front door. He led Jon down the carpeted hallway, and opened the door to his small flat.

“Well, this is it,” Martin said as he closed the door behind Jon. “I’m sorry it’s not more impressive,” he said, letting out an embarrassed laugh.

“Martin, it’s fine. I know how it is to live on an Institute salary,” Jon said. He paused, as if waiting for someone to say something. “Do you have roommates?”

“What? No, I, it’s just me. Why do you … oh.” Martin grimaced at himself as he realized he’d left the bedroom television on. All day. “No, it’s just the television, I can turn it off.”

Jon followed Martin as he walked from the combination kitchen-entryway into the bedroom. Aside from the small bathroom, the apartment was only the two rooms.

“I, uh, don’t have a couch,” Martin said as he looked around for the TV remote. “So you can, um, have the bed, and I’ll sleep in the armchair.”

“What?”

“I know, I know, ‘how do you entertain without a couch, Martin,’ well, to be honest –”

“Oh! No, sorry, no, I wasn’t going to … I just,” Jon shifted on his feet. “I don’t feel right making you sleep in the chair.”

Martin clicked the power button on the remote, plunging the room into silence, save for the rain pattering on the window. If he was going to write a poem about this moment (which he most certainly wasn’t, he told himself) he would have said that the silence was symbolic of Jon rejecting his hospitality.

“I mean, I fall asleep in my chair all the time in the office, and this one looks much more comfortable than mine,” Jon said with an awkward laugh. “I can take the chair, it’s fine.” Martin just continued to stare at him, which seemed to make Jon think he needed to keep talking. “Besides I couldn’t possibly sleep in your bed in my work clothes … I’m being trouble enough.”

Martin looked at his boss in disbelief. “Well, you won’t be sleeping in your work clothes,” he said as he shoved a clean set of pajamas into Jon’s arms. The smell of fabric softener hung in the air around them as Jon slowly took the bundle of fabric from Martin, looking shocked. Martin looked down. “I’m sure they’ll be big on you, but … hopefully it’s okay for one night.”

“I’m sure they’ll be fine,” Jon murmured, holding on to Martin’s pajamas as if they might not be real. He paused. “You don’t have to do all this, you know.”

Martin breathed the kind of exasperated breath schoolteachers make at students who seem to be purposefully refusing to grasp a concept. “I know that, Jon. I want to do this.”

They stood there for what felt like ages, as if they were both waiting for the other to acknowledge the implications of the exchange they’d just had.

“Okay, well, you can go ahead and wash up first?” Martin asked, having decided they were both too drunk to have any sort of serious conversation tonight.

“Oh, um, yes,” Jon said, in a way that Martin could have sworn sounded disappointed. He shuffled into the bathroom and closed the door gently. Martin quickly changed into his own pajamas, and sat pointedly in the chair to prevent Jon from trying to take it from him.

When Jon reemerged, Martin’s pajamas hanging too-loose over his frame, he looked as all his recent sleepless nights had suddenly come crashing down on him. Martin gestured pointedly towards the bed, maintaining his stubborn position in the armchair. Jon opened his mouth, presumably to protest, but all that came out was a quiet “thank you.”

He was asleep almost before his head hit the pillow.

As Martin looked at Jon from behind his own heavy eyelids, he felt tears well up in the corners of his eyes. Something about seeing Jon in hisclothes, in his bed made the smaller man look so vulnerable, and so stupidly exhausted. The mask of bitterness and skepticism was gone from Jon’s face, and he just looked troubled, plagued by the kind of ever-present worry Martin knew so well. Martin’s desire to crawl into bed alongside him and hold the other man in his arms and just let him rest felt like a horrible full-body ache, and Martin knew he was in too deep. He knew that this feeling would get him in trouble someday, and yet … something about Jon meant he couldn’t just let it go.

Martin reached into his satchel for a tissue to wipe the tears off his face, and felt his hand brush against his book of poems. He pulled it out of his bag – he knew he wasn’t going to get much sleep that night; he’d always been terrible at sleeping sitting up. He flipped open the volume without anything specific in mind, but the book opened to the page containing Jon’s pressed lavender. Jon was right, Martin thought, the purple flowers were beautiful. He held one of the stems carefully up to his nose, and breathed in the floral scent that had been lingering on Jon’s breath all night, that now lingered on the pages of his poetry book.

He set the lavender sprigs gently on the table next to him, making a note to return them to the book when he was done reading. As he listened to the rain come down against his windowpanes, he read and reread the poem Jon’s lavender had been on, turning the lines over in his mind:

It is the hour – when lover’s vows Seem sweet in every whisper’d word; And gentle winds and waters near, Make music to the lonely ear.

[owfemslashexchange]

Zarya/Mei Coffee Shop AU

(This is my submission for @enbydva I hope they like it? Also I really hope I got this in on time, I’m bad with time zone differences >.<)

From @prplxdpngwn to @enbydva

Zarya tapped her fingers on the register, a staccato of impatience and eagerness. She stared blankly out the window at the barren trees outside. Her face betrayed no evidence of the emotions inside her, but her fellow barista was able to guess what was eating her nonetheless.

“You realize you look like an angry puppy right? Your lady love won’t be here until around 3, that’s when they always come in.” Amélie leaned back against the counter, smirking at her boss.

Zarya frowned, “I insist I don’t know who you’re talking about. And I’m not a puppy.” She turned her head back to the register, attempting to not give in to Amélie’s goading. Unfortunately, it had been a slow morning at the coffee shop, and there was nothing for her to do. Amélie noticed.

“You can’t fool me. Every time she walks in the door with the other girl, it’s like you won the lottery. It’s disgusting, to be honest,” Amélie grimaced and went back to wiping out a shot glass with a bar towel.

Zarya grinned, “And how do you know what time they come in? It wouldn’t have anything to do with her friend now, would it? The friend that always seems to make a beeline straight for you?” If Amélie was bothered by the teasing, her face didn’t betray it at all. She did however, scrub harder at the already clean glass in her hand. Figuring the best defense was a good offense, Zarya continued, “Have you learned her name yet? Or are we still calling her by the name on her sports coat?”

At that, Amélie looked up and glared. “Tracer is enough of a name for a customer, it’s all I need to know. Besides, I’m not the one that’s head over heels. Do you even know short brunette’s name?”

“Mei,” Zarya spoke quietly, “her name is Mei.” She smiled looking down at her hands, remembering the first time she had come in. Her smile had brightened the entire room, and Zarya had never felt so starstruck. T he shorter girl had a light in her eyes that showed an endearing optimism about the world around her. Zarya had barely been able to take the order without stumbling over her words, but she had remembered the name on the card that she had paid with: Mei-Ling Zhou. After their initial visit, the two women made a habit of their post three pm coffee break. They’d come in every day for the past few months. Zarya had been able to actually talk to her the other times she had come in, learning that Mei was an environmentalist studying at the local college. She was working towards her major in…something related to the climate, Zarya forgot the exact name. It was clear though that Mei cared deeply for the planet, and everything on it. She had the biggest heart of anyone Zarya had met. Zarya sighed in exasperation, and slumped down on the counter to hide her face in her arms.

Amélie regarded her thoughtfully. “Wow, you’re even more pathetic than I originally thought. Just ask her out so we can all be put out of the misery of watching you moon over each other.”

Zarya was saved from having to respond by the bell over the door alerting them to customers walking in, the cool winter breeze following them. The next hour they were both busy making coffee, and occasional small talk with their regulars. She was glad she had chosen to place her caféso close to the college. Students were constantly in need of a fix, and having a steady flow of customers meant she didn’t have to overcharge in order to make a living. Plus, the younger generation was less likely to care about the name, The Siberian Bear. They either found it cute, or were too exhausted and brain dead to muster much emotion about anything.

Finally the last of the afternoon rush cleared out, and Zarya and Amélie finally had a chance to breath. Amélie groaned and rested her head on the top of the espresso machine. “I hate working the bar on days like this. My back is killing me,” she stretched dramatically and widened her eyes at Zarya, looking for sympathy.

Zarya laughed, “I don’t believe that for a second. I’ve seen you work entire weekends without stopping for breaks.”

“That may be so, but do you really want me to risk hurting myself and leaving you alone for an entire week here while I recuperate?”

“Alright, alright, no need to resort to threats. It should stay slow for the next few hours, so I suppose I don’t have to worry about you scaring everyone away.” Zarya walked to the sink and washed her hands before switching spots with Amélie. Barely five minutes had passed before the bell rang again, and Zarya realized exactly why Amélie had wanted to switch. In walked the two girls she simultaneously hated and loved to see. Tracer jumped ahead to hold the door open for Mei, who was laughing at something the taller girl had said. Zarya couldn’t help but grin widely, even if she looked ridiculous. When the other girl saw that Amélie was working the register, her face lit up, and she rushed over to flirt smoothly with her. Amélie simply stared her down indifferently, but Zarya could see her cross her ankles behind the counter, a sure sign she was just as happy to see her. Mei, still by the door, rolled her eyes and gave Zarya a look that said, can you believe these two? Zarya raised her eyebrows and nodded in agreement.

Amélie slid the first cup with Tracer’s order on it down the bar to Zarya, and she got to work preparing the shots and milk. Struck with an idea, she grabbed a pen and jotted down a quick note on the sleeve before setting it to the side. She hoped Tracer actually called the number included, Amélie needed someone new in her life to make her happy, especially after her last ex. Normally she would never give out employee information, but she had a feeling it would turn out for the best.

Mei had just finished paying for her drink, and was looking at the receipt a little oddly. Zarya looked at her, concerned. “She didn’t overcharge you, did she?” She asked as she got to work on Mei’s iced drink. To her surprise, Mei blushed and started stammering.

“What? N-no, it’s fine. I mean! It’s nothing!” Mei quickly shoved the receipt into her pocket, and walked stiffly over to the pick-up area, her face red. Tracer snickered, trying to hide her smile behind her hand. She received a punch to the shoulder for her efforts.

Zarya turned to look at Amélie, who was grinning like the spider that caught the fly. She narrowed her eyes at her, “What did you say to her? I can’t have you chasing off our regulars too.”

Amélie’s smile grew, “Oh don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll be back. Soon,” the last word directed at the girl in question, who let out a high pitched noise in response, before staring down at the floor.

Zarya muttered a curse in Russian towards her coworker, who simply tsk'ed her back. She finished up the drink, and brought it with Tracer’s over to Mei. “Hey, don’t let her bully you,” she told her, “she may bite, but I promise it’s non-venomous.” Mei giggled, but wouldn’t meet her eyes, holding her drink in front of her like a shield. Tracer picked up her drink, and they walked out together.

After the door had fully shut behind them, Zarya whirled around and glared Amélie down. “What did you do? I swear I will murder you and use your body to fertilize the lawn.”

Amélie looked bored as she examined her nails, “I didn’t do anything you won’t like. Besides, would it really be in my best interests to piss off my boss?”

Zarya begrudgingly agreed. As annoying as her employee could be, she was careful to never go too far with jibs and insults. She had too much pride to risk losing her job over something petty. However, this didn’t change the fact that she was up to something mischievous. Zarya wanted to push her further, but decided to let it go. She was too exhausting to argue with, and it wasn’t worth the inevitable headache that would come.

The rest of the day passed by uneventfully, with Amélie heading home at 5, and Zarya closing down an hour later. She finished closing out the till and putting the money away, and started sweeping the floor. She thought back to this afternoon, still curious about what exactly Amélie had said to Mei to make her blush like that. Her train of thought derailed there, thinking on all the ways that she could make Mei blush, until eventually she was just standing with the broom in the middle of the shop, staring at the wall.

Zarya was startled out of her thoughts by a knocking on the door. She sighed, ready to tell whoever it was that they were already closed, and would be open again tomorrow at 7am. But the words left her when she saw Mei standing outside, waving awkwardly. She stared for a minute, before snapping out of it and rushing over to unlock the door.

“What are you doing here?” she demanded, before wincing at how harsh the words sounded. “Wait, I didn’t mean-aggh, just come in, it’s freezing outside.” She ushered in a shaking Mei, shutting and locking the door behind her. She pulled her coat off the hook by the door and wrapped it around the smaller girl. The jacket almost completely engulfed her, reaching down to her knees and extending well past her hands. She looked happy though, flapping the ends of the sleeves slightly, so they fell back past her wrists.

“Thank you, it was a lot colder out than I expected. I left my parka at home, obviously…” Mei trailed off, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. She shuffled her feet, unsure of what to say.

“Oh, yeah. I heard that we should expect snow even,” Zarya leaned back against the counter and crossed her arms, appearing more collected than she felt. “So don’t get me wrong, I’m always happy to see you, but why are you here now? I’d think you’d know our hours by now,” she teased.

Mei sputtered a bit, before taking in a slow deep breath, “Well, it’s not your coffee I’m here for this time. It’s…you.” Her face burned crimson as she spoke, but she held her gaze steady. “The note Amélie left me on my receipt said to meet you here around this time, that you’d be closing alone. Which now that I think about it, wasn’t incredibly smart. What if I wanted to rob you? I don’t! Clearly, I mean what kind of robber would just announce their plans like that? And anyways, you’re built like a solid tree, I’m pretty sure you could hold your own against someone like me. In fact you could most likely bench press me…I’m rambling, please don’t judge me. I’m just nervous because, well because I really like you, LIKElike you, and Amélie’s note made me think that you might like me too?” Her voice squeaked at the end as she ran out of breath and gasped in air desperately.

Zarya, for her part, had stopped breathing at this point. Her mind repeated that last sentence while screaming for joy and playing the hallelujah chorus. However, her body stayed perfectly still. Part of her worried that if she moved, it would turn out to be a dream. She hadn’t had a good dream in a long time, and if that’s what it was, she wanted it to last. Another part wanted to yell, to scream, that YES I DO LIKE YOU I MAY EVEN LOVE YOU, YOU’RE PERFECT AND I THINK ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME, PLEASE STAY FOREVER. But that would most likely send Mei screaming for the hills. What was one supposed to do when the very thing they always hoped for actually happened?

After waiting patiently for a response or reaction of any sort, Mei’s face fell. She looked dejected, and turned to leave. This jolted Zarya out of her paralysis. She reached and grabbed Mei’s shoulder, spinning her back around into her arms. Mei made a startled noise.

“Sorry,” Zarya spoke, wrapping her arms around her more comfortably, “but I can’t let you leave without knowing that I like you too, a lot. I just never expected you to feel the same way.” She loosened her grip so Mei could easily slip out if she wanted. But the girl stayed put, hesitantly bringing her hands up to sit on Zarya’s shoulders.

“Oh. Good. Great! That’s…great,” Mei smiled warmly.

Zarya grinned crookedly, “Can I kiss you? I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable if it’s too soon.”

Her eyes widened slightly, and instead of answering, she leaned up on her toes and pressed her lips to Zarya’s. They stayed close, and it was a long time before either noticed the gentle sound of the snow falling outside.

[justjoeyyy-blog-blog]

Day 23-29

6-6-17 Day 23: I totally forgot to write the other day about passing out fliers. You have to pass out schedules for circle c around the lido deck. I went up to these 2 girls and said "are either of you in between the ages of 12 and 14" one of the girls looks at me and says I'm 20...and she's 18" I just said okay! And walked away. I was so embarrassed. Training was good today. Besides the fact that I couldn't keep my eyes open. After that me Elle and Rain took a long ass taxi ride to where all the shops are as well as baby tigers! We got to hold one and it was amazing. I'll seriously never forget that. The view on the way was incredible as well. Ensenada is pretty nasty but driving up the mountains and getting to see the entire area was so cool. There's random houses all over the mountain. It's a really dirty area though. Lots of random animals and just crap everywhere. It's so weird to me that people live there and have a life there. The ocean there is very dirty. And not a beach people go to for pleasure. It's full of seals and it smells horrible. The kids in my club are fucking crazy. I'm sitting up on the sports deck because we were playing capture the flag. One of the boys from the older club sat by me and we were talking (we met the first night he's hilarious) He started telling me that earlier when I wasn't there one of my kids climbed over the railing and was facing towards the ocean with his arms holding him from behind him...I seriously had no words. The boy told me that people were bugging the guy and he thought they would think he was cool if he did it. I saw the boy later and asked him about it. He told me he has no self esteem so he did it. At first I was joking around with him and said "so I heard you were hanging around today". And then he got all serious and I felt bad. He told me it meant a lot to him that I cared. Some of the other kids told me another one of my kids was doing it too. I later found that kid sleeping in a booth on the lido deck lol. It's 1:48 and I'm laying in bed. My roommate has slept out ever since I told her that her bf snores. And tonight he's sleeping here. She didn't say anything to me about it, he just came in and they're in her bed. I'm praying my room switch request gets approved so I can move in with Rain. I'll be much happier. I start work at 12 tomorrow so I can sleep in a little. It's a sea day tomorrow so lots of work and little rest. 6-7-17 Day 24: these hot flashes are literally taking over my life here. This morning I took a shower and put some lotion on my face then went and ate. I sat down and touched my face and the lotion was melting down my face it was so gross. There's literally no reason for this to be happening. It affects my whole day. Because then my hair gets nasty and I have to put it up and I just feel like I look like shit. Me and my kids watched the magician today. He's seriously amazing it freaks me out. And now he says hi to me whenever he sees me with his big ass eyes and his top hat. We also had team building an hour ago. They bought snacks for us while we were in Ensenada and they're so much better than American chips. The Doritos and cheetos in Ensenada have a tang to it. And a little spice. Our next meeting will be saying bye to Eleanor :( I'm very excited tomorrow is a port day in Long Beach. If it's nice enough I might go relax at the beach or something. My kids this cruise were seriously insane. They never listened to me which was really upsetting. They would literally throw their candy wrappers and stuff on the floor and never cleaned up any of their shit. Rain said I need to start being more strict and tell them that I will call their parents if they're not going to listen. Of the couples in my club kissed last night. It was the girls first kiss. She was so excited to tell me it was so cute. Yesterday I was given a binder that said O2 and circle c and the word shhhhhh on the front. There was a page in there discussing an incident on a prior cruise and that the family was coming back. Little did I know that one of the daughters was in my club and that me and her dad had been chatting the entire cruise. He even told another family to come and see joey at circle c. He tipped me $10 too. I'm so happy that I was able to make their experience better this time. Last cruise they went on was the dad grandma and 2 kids. They were in 2 rooms that were connected. The shower head in one of the rooms burst and completely flooded the room. The boat they were on did not have any open rooms that were connected and the family said it wasn't possible for them to not be together. So carnival paid for someone to pick them up at the next port and drive them back to Long Beach, completely missing the entire rest of the cruise. This time around was much better for them and I'm super happy that I was apart of that. There's been lots of drama going on. The other circle c girl supposedly "hates me" because I brought to my directors attention that the hard drive was missing in the stereo that plays the music. The other circle c girl was having the DJ put new music on it. For some reason she thought it was a huge deal that I went to our director and she told one of the girls that she hates me lol. She also thinks I do certain things in the club when really it's our supervisor or housekeeping. She had boxes she was saving and questioned me where they went. Answer: housekeeping threw them away. Same situation happened with something one of the kids made her that kept falling off the door. And the most recent was how our director took her name off of the door (in huge letters she put her name up) and she thinks it was me. She also questioned me on where the twister game was when it was on the shelf the entire time. Like bitch this is my position. You were subbing until I got here and now you need to step back. It makes me so mad because I didn't do anything wrong. And if I did I would own up to it. No roommate and bf tonight :) which means I can sleep in peace without hearing moans from her bf in the middle of his sleep. But we all know she'll come in tomorrow morning and turn the light on as if I'm not even here. I can't wait to move in with Rain. But it's bittersweet with Eleanor leaving. I might get off tomorrow. I need a new water bottle. The one I've been using that I bought right before I left is leaking. This little piece of rubber came off the lid and now it leaks if it's not upright. It was seriously the size of a grain of rice. I need to also buy those balls you can put in your shoes to make them smell better. I've never had issues with smelly feet my entire life and now it's taking over my cabin. I'm even wearing brand new socks so it has to be my shoes. I wear them all day everyday so that's most likely the issue but damn it's an awful smell. 6-8-17 Day 25: I am so bipolar about this job. When I'm having fun I think it's the most amazing thing in the world. And when it's bad I want to leave so badly. Today was good for a little. I went out to eat with Rain Elle and my roommate Stephanie. It was nice to eat out somewhere. I forgot to set up circle c before I left and thankfully my supervisor didn't realize. She wants me to try and pass out at least 20 fliers and it's impossible. I can't tell who's in between 12-14 and half of them are in the pool. I'm supposed to document 20 though. I met my kids and it's a really small group. They're pretty weird and immature compared to my other groups. My supervisor called me to let me know that they moved down a 17 year old who has autism to my club (there are special times when we are able to do this). I sat in my club waiting and a dad and his son arrived. Right away I knew that's the family my supervisor was talking about. The boy was extremely close to me and shoving his card in my face. He instantly went from one game to the next and it made everyone feel extremely awkward. I went through normal procedure and asked the dad (who was also odd) if his son had any food allergies or special needs in which he said no. The dad left and I called my supervisor wanting to clarify that the family I just met was the one she told me about prior. She said the 17 year old with autism was a girl and that the boy that was in my club was someone else. I immediately started to freak out inside. This boy was the definition of high functioning autism. He was extremely close to everyone and didn't understand personal space. All of the other kids kept looking at me because they were so uncomfortable and didn't understand what was going on. I looked over and the boy was practically sitting on one of the other boys laps because he was trying to sit in the window with the others. I called my supervisor to let her know what was going on. I was in such shock that the dad said his son had no special needs. I'm not a doctor but I can easily tell when someone is special and needs a little extra care. I guess we'll see how tomorrow goes but by seeing his behavior tonight it makes me nervous, especially knowing that the parents don't admit to their son needing extra care. It's hard to explain to people from other countries how autism works. I've really tried to make it clear that when it comes to autism I know what I'm doing. People from other countries that I work with look at it as it's nothing or children that don't need special care. It's hard to explain that to them. So for me to tell my boss that this boy needs extra help doesn't mean anything to her. It's hard. If he comes back tomorrow I am going to try and explain to the kids that he is different and to try and go about their activities in a normal manner. If it becomes an issue then I will talk to his parents. After work I went to crew bar with Elle and Rain. I freaking love going to the crew bar. It's fun to gossip. There's been lots of drama with the other girl doing circle c. She told one of my coworkers that she hates me and wants to beat me up. So nice right? She got in trouble the other day because she took the hard drive from circle c with the music on it and didn't return it. And somehow that's my fault. Her boxes and something else a kid made for her got thrown away by housekeeping yet I'm to blame for it. If I did something wrong I would 100% own up to it. But I didn't and it's not fucking fare. I brought it up to my supervisors attention. When I got home tonight my name tag on my door was on the ground. I have it held up by multiple magnets so it's impossible it "fell down". I'm going to ask my supervisor if she can bring alannah in so we can talk because this is ridiculous and I don't deserve it at all. She's salty because I took her position when in reality she was subbing until I got here. And I'm here and she still switches with me every week. I don't know why it bothers me so much. She's going to my friends and talking shit and I did nothing. 6-9-17 Day 26: I had crowd control training this morning. It was actually really interesting. Especially on my ship because we have 4 and 3 day cruises aka a drunken mess of people that don't want to listen. In an emergency guests are told to go to their cabin and grab medication, warm clothing, and their life jacket and then walk to their muster station. Which I personally feel is so unrealistic. If I heard an emergency signal my ass would be up on a deck, not down into the boat. After training I went to st nicholas (the "resort" in Ensenada. I went with the other intern Sarai (britnys roommate). The weather was perfect. The people there don't speak any English. Sarai asked for queso and the guy had no idea what we were saying. The food there is cheap though and really good. And authentic! I got a salad and chips and guacamole. We have a burrito bar on board at the lido bar. It's kinda like chipotle where you can go up and pick what you want. It's only open at lunch though so I've only had it a few times. Life on board is definitely getting better. I've been having a lot of fun recently but when it comes to my supervisor it just goes downhill. The kids are super fun and everything is always great until she says 1 little thing and it just completely changes my way of thinking. She blames things on whoever is closest to her at that time. I was in club O2 the other day for karaoke and she yelled at me because the scissors were out...wtf that's not my club. I was just sitting here watching my kids do karaoke and somehow the scissors are my problem. The girl in charge of O2 was right there...she did it with Rain the other day too. The cd turned off during registration while I was in there. Rain walked in a little later and my supervisor questioned her as to why the music wasn't on...she was working on the slide the entire time. Makes no sense. It's little things like that that are unnecessary and need to stop. We have a new supervisor coming soon 🙌🏾 I can't take her much longer. I got to take my kids to the show tonight. Our cast is so amazing I don't even have words. I get chills every single time I watch them perform. We also did Imagination prom tonight. The kids loved it and the prom queen and king were so cute. He even bought her a bracelet today while off the ship with her name on it. Supposedly they kissed and all the kids came running at me screaming THEY KISSED THEY KISSED! All the guests were staring at me like wtf? Some drunk guest sat down next to me and would not stop talking to me. He just kept repeating himself and going into weird topics. As I'm sitting there trying to write notes to my kids and their parents. I went to the crew bar after work. I love getting to talk to people there and get to know them. And then there's the random weird guys that come up and try and hit on you but don't understand when to stop or to just not do it at all. Tomorrow is a sea day and for some reason I work the most out of our entire youth department.....which is annoying and doesn't make sense. I also have a cut in my nose that will not go away and it hurts so bad. It keeps getting worse too. 6-10-17 Day 27: wow today was long (sea day) we had karaoke up in club O2 and my ears were seriously bleeding. These older boys thought they were so freaking cool and would hold the microphone but have it down at their hips. They were screaming every single song and would like jump on each other while they were "singing". I kept yelling at them and I could tell they were like who the fuck is this girl? After we went back down to circle c and hung out. The boat was incredibly rocky. I had some of my kids go get me pizza because I felt so nauseous and eating usually helps. After we had a staff meeting where we said bye to Eleanor. They all know she's allergic to seafood yet as her going away food they got sushi...I also got approval to move in with Rain which will happen tomorrow morning at 845, which will be tricky because Elle doesn't leave until 10. After the break I napped and then went right back to work. I was so close to tears tonight. These kids were making me so upset. The disrespect is insane. I shouldn't have to remind a 14 year old to not throw your pizza crust on the ground if you don't want it...there was tons of drama with them tonight. Prom king and queen kissed last night. They were "together" and so was the 2 runner ups. Well today was different and the relationships changed. So then the prom king was kissing the other girl who was runner up! They were actually making out in my club I had no words. Then another "couple" were kissing and holding hands and hugging each other as if your hugging your loved one who is leaving for the war or something. While this all happened I sat there nauseous as ever sorting rubber bands by their color. There's one girl in the club who is sooooo annoying and during karaoke she thought she was a freaking pop star singing sensation. She was AWFUL. She's like one of those people that go on American idol and think they're gonna win and they don't even make it past the first round. She had this huge round belly and would do just dance all day. I tried to stay away from her as much as I could because I couldn't handle her and then she comes up to me and goes joey I'm gonna miss you so much (I didn't even know how to pronounce her name) I felt really bad after that because I was being so sassy towards her. Then I started to clean Circle c and noticed some writing on the ledge above the couch. She fucking wrote rionna was here (in pen) I seriously don't understand what goes through these kids minds! She writes her name in pen on a perfectly white surface. I could not get it off to save my life. I really wish I would've called her parents. I was so mad I just ignored all of them the rest of the night. Their drama is so petty and honestly sad. It makes me cringe watching it. After work I stopped at crew bar for Eleanor's last night. Rain couldn't stop crying. They've been together since the start. Almost 6 months. I've only been here a month and thinking of being here without Elle is really weird to me. I seriously love her and will miss her a lot. Now I have to find another English friend so I can enjoy their accent everyday ❤️ 6-11-17 Day 28: I have officially been on this boat for a month. Which is absolutely crazy to me. If I get approved to leave early for my cousins wedding then I'll only have 6 weeks left. Rain leaves in 5 weeks. We had to say bye to Elle this morning. She did not like this job though and wanted to leave so badly so I'm happy for her. And now that she left I got to move in with Rain. I already love it so much more. And I actually have hooks I can use because Rain actually knows how to share. Last night the other circle c girl came up to me and the bar and said if I've been hearing things to not listen. She said she doesn't hate me and if there's ever a problem she will just tell me. She said she's been upset because I came in and took her position so she was salty. She also got mad about the hard drive the other day, but she left another youth staff alone and she wasn't supposed to do that. I didn't get off today. I caught up on my sleep which was amazing of course. We had a new guy coke today. His name is kody. He's from Canada. This isn't his first contract though so he kinda knows what he's doing. He seems really fun though. He's only here for 7 weeks on a swing contract which is what I want to do. Rain and Alina are going on the breeze in September and October which could be a huge possibility. I just don't think I can do 6 months. Work tonight was pretty chill. I did night owls which is supposed to go until 1am but we didn't have any kids so we got to leave at like 1145. It was great. I went to crew bar with Rain and Alina. The new cast of performers (divas) came today. I met a couple of them. Nothing will compare to what we have now though. We went up after and got pizza in shorts and a t-shirt which isn't allowed but it felt so good to just relax in my own clothes for once. I swear every single time I go to get ice cream the machine is off. I just want something sweet 😳. I might get off at Catalina tomorrow. I want to lay out but only britny can get off and she has to be back at 2 whereas I have to be back at 5. I've really been thinking about my next contract and if I want to do one or not. A bigger cruise that goes to better places and is a week long compared to 4 and 3 day cruises would be so much better. The clubs would be bigger and updated compared to this boat. There's a ton of staff members on the boat but you feel like there's no one. I pretty much know everyone that's well known on here. 6-12-17 Day 29: I got off in Catalina for the first time today. It's interesting to me that it's still technically an American port because it's in Baja, California. It has these huge mountains with the most amazing houses on them. There's also tons of shops and places to eat. The shops are like actual stores though, not a bunch of people standing outside begging you to buy their stuff. We ate at a place called luau larrys. It was great to eat some normal food. Next time I definitely want to go parasailing and look at the rest of the island. Britny had to go back early so we didn't get to do much. Just looked in 1 store and ate lunch. We don't have a port in Catalina (which they also call Avalon) so we have to take tender boats back and forth from the ship. It's only like a 3 minute ride but it takes a lot of time waiting for the tenders and loading and unloading. Whereas in Ensenada you can just walk right off the boat but there's nothing to do. There's also quite a walk until you even get into town. Probably like a 5-10 minute walk. And Ensenada smells like absolute shit. There's seals everywhere which I assume has a big reason to do with that. It's also very industrial. There isn't a view there. Just shops and their main attraction which is the blowhole but it's a 45 minute drive. I definitely want to see that before I leave. I'm settled into my new room. The bathroom here is even smaller than the last room which I didn't know was possible. When I go to the bathroom I have to rest my arm up on the sink because it's not possible for me to have it down. The toilet in here also doesn't really work well so you have to put water in it from the shower to help it flush 🙃 being able to get off the ship and do fun things on the boat definitely make it all worth it. I love going to the performances, the comedy shows, and just getting to meet so many people from around the world. Our supervisor is leaving on June 29 and then we get a new one who is from America. I'm so excited about that. I feel like work will be more realistic with the new supervisor. I'm also still waiting on my uniform...I have pants and I have polos that say camp ocean (which is every other week for me) and 1 jacket that says club O2 (which I don't work in at all). I don't have a single thing that says circle c which is my actual job. And I also don't have shorts or the main jacket that everyone wears. Our supervisor said she ordered them when I first got here but now I'm not sure what to believe. I had night owls tonight. We had a lot of kids but they ended up leaving early. Then we only had 2 siblings who told their parents they wanted to stay until 1 (when we close) even though there was no one else there...very frustrating. I've been going to bed so late every night. It's almost 2am and I've just been sitting in bed for an hour. I've been going to crew bar pretty much every night. There's nothing else to do otherwise. Shows are usually from 8-11 which I can't go to if I'm Circle c and not this week either because I'm night owls. I don't start my days until later because of it but then I sleep all day rather than getting up and doing something. Tomorrow I'm getting off and going to the "resort" to lay out.

[yearinthejournal-blog]

January 7th

2008

Life is glorious! This past week has been one of the best in my life simply because of the changes that have occurred in me.

I went to the Rexburg Temple open house on Tuesday. It was so wonderful. The temple is beautiful and  big and I feel such a peace being there. I am so excited to one day go through to get my endowments. I do have to say that my favorite part was the sealing room - a couple kneels across from each other on an altar and are sealed together for time and all eternity. Oh I just can’t fathom the intense joy I will have when I get to kneel across from the man I love to marry him. The only sad part was as I looked around, I realized I was the only one there without a family. I was all by myself. But I am proud to be a member of this church of Jesus Christ and I hope I can be “a light on the hill” for my family to see. I hope the changes in me testify of the truthfulness of this Gospel. I know that if my dad were to soften his heart and be willing to act upon whatever answer he received, if he prayed to know what the truth is, he would find it. Our Father in Heaven loves us so much and wants desperately to have us with Him again one day. Through the Atonement of Christ, we can come to have the great purpose and happiness in our life that God intends for us.

The rest of the week, not much happened. I helped Jamie around the house and with Lyla. I moved in on Saturday. The first step I took into my new home bought feelings I can barely describe. I really feel like this is a home - a home I can take care of, take refuge in, feel safe. A place I love coming back to. I had the greatest time just putting all my kitchen stuff away and decorating my room. One of my new roommates, Heather, is so sweet and nice. She seems like such a faithful innocent girl and I’m so thankful to be living with her. The other one, Megan, I haven’t met yet.

Church on Sunday was fantastic - I learned so much and my ward is excellent! The bishopric is amazing and the people seem so nice. I had dinner with Charlene, and I got to video chat with Ron, which was so nice. We had scripture study together and discussed what we learned. I miss him so much. He is doing okay. He had to take a break from talking to me for a while, but I think our friendship will last.

Today was Charlene’s birthday! Jackie and I made breakfast for her and to get her over here, Jackie called her and told her there was a fire! Which wasn’t a lie because we had lit a candle. Charlene came bounding over and when she got inside, we started singing happy birthday! Oh it was so great. Charlene and I ran some errands then made cookies and popcorn balls for our relief society and some apartments in somerset. Then we pulled an FHE together which ended with a surprise party for Charlene and Oliver and we played games.

I have learned so much and changed so much already. From reading about Emma Smith, I desire to be valiant like she was. I checked out some books about her - the one I’m reading right now is called “Emma’s Glory and Sacrifice.” It is so good. That woman went through so much and never did it grudgingly, never complained, never got angry. She was “never found wanting.” I have received so much strength from her story that I find myself much the same way - after all, my life is no where near what hers was. But I have stopped complaining and have not allowed myself to think my life is difficult. I feel more inclined to impart of my substance.

But I have learned two wonderful things. I did not eat much this past week because I felt bad at Jamie’s eating her food. So by the time fast Sunday rolled around, I simply was too weak to fast. I learned that fasting is not enough; I need to prepare to fast.

Also, Jackie taught an amazing lesson in RS that helped me a lot. And I know this is because she had the Spirit so strong with her. It just struck me how important it is to always have the Spirit with us, not just for ourselves, but because we can change lives, just like Jackie’s lesson changed. It’s another one of the many reasons that have the Spirit with me is so strong.

2012

The week After I wrote last, Things were amazing. I was so happy and “on track”. But then I started slipping again, and drinking and waking up day after day feeling empty and painfully uncomfortable about each previous night. We got a new roommate. Mary, who I don’t remember if I wrote about, moved out. Mary was an incredible person. Honest and genuine and down to earth as they come. But someone named Noah moved into her room and he is equally as amazing. Intelligent and calm and impressive in his ability with words. I made cards and candy and gave them out. Christmas came and  by this time, I was exhausted from the endless drinking and Cameron’s insufferable drunkenness. My time with his family over xmas was horrible and I was cold and selfish the whole time. I missed Noah. I have feelings for Noah, but I know he is way out of my league and he is leaving in a few months. It will be, yet again, unbearable.

NYE, Rachel and Carter came over and we got wasted in the bathroom and ugh...I feel so gross about it. I’m not sure why. I hate being drunk. NYD was possibly the worst day of my life. Worse than the cocaine weekend that prompted me to start going back to church again. Cameron left that morning, drunk, to go hang out  with some random guy he didn’t even know that called his phone on accident. He was gone all day into the late night and I hated him and as far as I was concerned, we are now broken up. I SWORE not to drink again and last night, Rachel and Carter came over and we went to Mars Bar, then came home and had a dance party and I can’t believe it, but I didn’t drink! And I feel amazing. I kind of felt like Noah was flirting with me, and that maybe there’s something between us, but I also know Noah is kind of just desperate for sex and maybe just wants to fuck. And I’m not sure I would just fuck him, I like him too much. Cameron didn’t drink all week, and now I don’t hate him anymore. He’s been really pleasant and sweet and not stupid and annoying. I made an account on OK Cupid, a dating site, to find lovers in the Anchorage area and I’ve messaged a couple but no responses, which is maddening. It’s so hard to meet people, and relate to the ones I do meet and I wonder if I’m just that socially inept; or if it’s because of my situation. I saw the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo which was amazing and the lead, Lisbeth, has become my new obsession. She gets brutally raped by this guy, but then she goes back, brutally sodomizes him, then tattoos “I am a rapist pig” on his  chest and is really sadistic towards him. It was delicious. I can’t believe this was in a movie. 

About Mormonism - I am going to stop going to church for a while. I think I realized I don’t need the church - as long as I stick to certain things, like not drinking, being consistent in my daily habits, working, keeping my room clean, following a budget, being fair to others, etc. I’d never been able to do these things without the structure of the Church before, but I think I can now. I’ve even stopped praying and reading my scriptures and I feel happy still.

Andrew hung out with us a couple of times which was awesome! He’s going to sell me his computer. I’m thinking about buying a smart phone. Subway is going well - I might be promoted to supervisor. I feel good, I can’t believe I feel good.

I have so much to be grateful for, and I am grateful, but I find it hard to be grateful without having a God to be grateful towards - who do I thank for what I have? I don’t want to slip into feelings of entitlement, or worse, apathy, but how does one do that without believing in God? I still feel less conflicted than before though - agnosticism is what makes the most sense to me.

2015

I’m drunk journaling, which is something I don’t think I’ve ever done before. I’ve been feeling low lately, like I’m going into a depressive period even though I’ve been motivated and planning and getting stuff done. I feel hopeless and bored and sad no matter what I do. But Ii’m going to try and list what I’m grateful for in hopes that it will energize me.

I’m grateful for my two jobs. I wanted to be a barista for so long and it’s given me the opportunity to do that while accentuating my strengths: efficiency with routine, confidence, by necessity, cleanliness, organization - and working on my many weaknesses. I love and would die for my coworkers. EDI was my road into Anchorage and making the best friendship I have, with Miranda. These jobs have shaped me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I’m grateful for Kylie for being patient with me in times of extreme weakness and loving me in spite of my flaws, all of which affect her, and I’m not sure why she puts up with me.

I’ve been feeling a lot of low self-esteem and self-doubt lately - I’ve been focusing on my flaws. And I don’t know how to stop. 

2017

I completely forgot I said I’d cover a shift and I didn’t show up for an open on Monday! So I bought a new planner and I LOVE it. I got to help Maria make a budget on Monday and it was so fun and being around Maria is always uplifting. I saw the movie “Jackie” with Kylie that night.

I pray almost every morning that God will send someone for me to help and almost every day it happens. Tues Morgan had a breakdown so I took over her mid. I did step 1- and am trying to do spot checks - when I feel fear, dishonesty, resentment, or selfishness, I 1. Ask for God  to remove it 2. Talk it out 3. Make amends and 4. Turn my thoughts to someone I can help. Talking it out has been tripping me up - I don’t want others to know how often I feel these things, and I don’t want to overwhelm Ashley. I just feel resentment so often at work. But I’m doing my best.

Thurs I went to a mtg - DOR and they need a secretary so I volunteered! I’m so excited/grateful!

I read step 11. First of all, I’ve still been agonizing about LDS, but I realized I’ve only been thinking about myself. Much of step 11 is about focusing on others, how to be useful. “In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don’t struggle.” I don’t really know what to do - it seems as if I just can’t take it easy even - I really don’t want to go to church. And maybe it’s my decision. But why did I get that intense feeling of comfort about it? I realized all the things I put on the list of things I love about LDS - AA now fits these. AA is becoming my church. I think I’m going to leave LDS (AGAIN!!!!!) and not jump into things so fast in the future, especially because my actions affect others.

Parts of step 11 make me uncomfortable: “We are careful to make no request for ourselves only...we are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends, it doesn’t work...Why can’t we take a specific and troubling dilemma straight to God, and in prayer secure from him sure and definite answers to our requests? Quite often the thoughts that seem to come from God are well-intentioned unconscious rationalizations.” I don’t really understand how this is different from how we’re supposed to pray: “Knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. We simply ask that throughout the day God place us in the best understanding of his will that we can have for that day and that we be given the grace by which to carry it out. We pause and renew the simple request: Thy will, not mine, be done.” I feel like a loving God wouldn’t pettily just not answer prayers that aren’t said the “right” way. I feel like I can’t be intimate with God if I can’t say whatever I want.

I went to a new mtg tonight that I liked but I sulked and felt worse after. I talked to Ashley, did a 4th step on step 11, wrote a list of God attributes, and read “Acceptance was the answer” which had a TON of goodies:

- If I could just control the external environment, the internal environment would then become comfortable. Take care of the internal via the 12 steps and the external takes care of itself.

- Not taking a drink is by far the most important thing I do each day.

- When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away.

- Acceptance is the answer - when I am disturbed, it is because I find something unacceptable and I can find no serenity until I accept that it is exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.

- When I complain about me or you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork.

- I don’t know what’s good for me or you.

- AA has given me a new pair of glasses.

- Focus not on defects but on what I can add to something, what’s good about it.

- I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations.

- I never just sit and do nothing while waiting for God to tell me what to do. Rather, I do whatever is in front of me to be done, and I leave the results up to God.

So I still don’t get it, but I’ll go over it with Ashley and I had a revelation tonight. Of course I am doing all this for me, too - but the way to feel good is to focus on others. What is “giving it away to keep it” if not “seeking first the kingdom of God” which thing I decided to focus on a year ago?