#also maybe this is weird but i don't actually listen to a lot of miles/am stuff while i'm writing this fic

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

four walls playlist

[ghostflowerhotpotch]

You considered what happened at the tower as her shutting him down? Even with all that, Miles isn't phased and that reassurance from Miles brings a smile to her face and she affectionately leans on him

Honestly? That's a good point, because there is merit to this part of the conversation as well.

As always, I think we need to examine the context from the bit that happened before, because the set up really speaks a lot of about the rest of the experience.

So let's start with this interaction of Miles and Gwen, because the first time I saw it hit me hard.

This situation hit me because by knowing Gwen's background, you can understand exactly where is coming, and it makes it hurt even more.

Miles is conflicted about his secret identity, specially with his parents, who are understandably pissed off (I may do an analysis on that, is not ghostflower, but I think there is some stuff worth pointing out.) And let me be clear here, I do think Rio and Jeff should know, I think while they could freak out, it can work out.

But honestly Gwen's reaction is so natural having her said anything else would be weird.

We don't know how long has been since she saw her dad, but considering she confirmed months, and how her hair as grew since the beginning scene to this moment, it has indeed been awhile. And I don't fault for refusing to come back even after all this time.

Her dad tried to point a gun at her, even after she took her mask away; after everything she has been through, after begging him to listen, there is no words to describe how much that must had hurt. How this society, with all the spiders they have, with Jessica Drew, Hobie and Miguel, still cannot fix that.

So is natural that she quickly tells no to Miles, she doesn't want to him to live that, and she may not know them, but she never thought her dad would truly be afraid of her and look at what happened. I can't blame her for it.

What caught my attention, however, was what she did next.

She decides to sit upside down.

Now, you probably had hear before that a lot of things there is a second meaning behind certain shots in movies. In animation that goes even harder considering how you need to work things from scratch, and as wonderful as it is the shot of Gwen going upside down, I think they were going for something more than beauty.

By Gwen doing something like this, is going to somewhere a regular person could never go, what a regular person couldn't attempt to do without risking their life.

I think this choice is very deliberately because at this point, being spiderwoman is all she has.

She needed to leave the life of Gwen Stacy when she left that night, her school life, her old band mates (who in the comics are her friends and we can see saying hello in the flash back of the dance), her dad, is all gone.

Yes she is learning so much, she is happy to have Jessica as her mentor, she really things she is doing something good here. But I also thing she is clinging to this all the harder because she doesn't have much else in her life.

Yes she is happy with Hobie as her friend and plays in his dimension, but you can see that isn't enough. We can see proof of this later.

This also means getting away from Miles' sight, almost like hiding, and yet not far enough he cannot come to get her.

Maybe I am getting a bit too sentimental here, but this is a good example of the rest of the scene, push and pull, she thinking they can't, but wanting so much to do so.

I am not sure how much Miles meant that, since I think he still looks conflicted earlier. Regardless, something that I like about this, is that he listens to her.

He knows Gwen is in a very painful position, and while he has good reasons to believe his parents are different, he doesn't try to fight it. And more than that, I think he actually takes into consideration her words and tries to see it in a different light. A softer one.

I had seen some people say Miles is the sunshine of the relationship while Gwen is gloom and doom, and while I still think that is oversimplifying their situation too much, this moment shows a bit of that, and also, another reason why Gwen likes talking to him.

I really like this detail, I think Miles being able to make a situation less grim is something that I think Gwen feels is like Miles place in her life, to make things that used to hurt her (being spiderwoman, since she liked it but it has made such damage to her life,) actually made her happy again.

Also, look at the space between them; I think this shows even more than Miles is conscious of the type of pain Gwen was when she decided to climb here, and he gets back to her, but gives her space just in case.

Of course Miles cannot help but boost himself, though you can see that he is trying to make it sound almost like a joke. I wonder if his uncle would be proud at his attempts of being smooth, because while not perfect hey, they are working for Gwen.

Because regardless if she thinks is a good joke or not, she did laugh.

And I think after Gwen having her cool for most of the time, seeing Miles get a bit more confident is sweet, and also some progress showing that he has indeed feeling surer of himself.

I think Gwen knows she is kind of encouraging him to continue.

I like to point out that Gwen looks back him while saying this, almost like indicating that hey, we are still talking dummy, you don't need to stay back.

Back again, Gwen wants her distance, wants to use the mantle spiderwoman and the powers that come with them to not face the rest of the world; but she also makes sure that Miles can get to her still.

Miles obviously, doesn't know Gwen's feelings, and I don't think he realized how much her time with him has meant for her; and in this scene shows.

Including how he asks again, if she really means it.

And decides to get closer to her when she repeats it.

Once more, maybe is me looking for things where there aren't any, but I think is a nice touch that Miles gives Gwen his space, and she still reminds her she is here for him, and is all he needs to close some of the distance between each other.

It's funny, at first I thought I didn't have anything to say about this particular exchange, except that now that I see it in slow-motion and after analyzing the other scenes, it does feel that it carries more meaning.

Because in this scene, Gwen attributes that part of the reason she likes to talk to him, is because there isn't a lot of people they can talk about being super heroes, and Miles agrees.

Which if you think about it, it has a point, the reason why they met, and also got along so well, was for being spiders. We can see it in the bus, of how Gwen is having fun talking with Miles and actually wanting to preserve that moment with him.

Yet, that isn't the entire story, now is isn't?

Man I wish I could get the entire clip, there is so many little things. The looks Miles gives to Gwen, how Gwen tries to not look at her but she continues smiling and briefly looking at his direction.

But it does bring an important point, that is not the entire reason they get along so well.

Gwen had the opportunity to met other spider people, including teens. Peni is in the society, Pavitr, Margo, Hobie, a lot of Peters- unlike Miles, who has been on his own for this year and few months, Gwen had the chance to met other spider people, to get other friendships with people who understood.

And yet she is still here, having this conversation, claiming how is different with him.

Even after having so many possibilities to met other people, to have other people to talk about this, she still wanted Miles.

Just like us, he caught onto that; and we know why he is asking, he knows why he is asking, and Gwen probably too.

The conversation is still pretty light in tone, Miles is throwing away a piece of debris that he picked from his suit (huh wonder if he was just taking dirt out because he nervously was picking his suit,) Gwen is still smiling. We all knows what they are truly hinting here, but no one is saying it.

Sure hun.

But seriously, I do wonder if Gwen is also thinking about that. Like I doubt she isn't aware of her feelings for Miles, she certainly is aware of his, and the way they interact is layered by their crush in every interaction.

What I am curious of, if she wonders why is Miles the person she is still thinking about, how not a band was enough, how the spider society isn't enough, that she is still here having this conversation even when knowing she should be doing a mission.

This last panel certainly makes me think in that direction, that she is still wondering, what Miles has that she can't get out of her mind.

Gwen is still thinking, trying to get the words, but Miles seems pretty sure of his choice.

And I think she likes her explanation too.

Miles says that they are the same in the important ways, and what Gwen says next almost seems to make it believe she agrees.

Because her next words are a confession, or as close as we get in this conversation full of metaphors and second meanings.

Sorry, I try to not go crazy with so many images, but I think every frame is important here.

First the subtle happiness of Miles hearing that, of knowing what it must mean if Gwen is telling this to him, here and now.

How she looks back at her, almost like he needs to confirm what he heard, and when he realizes she is still looking at the horizon, he looks down at their hands.

And he tries to get closer.

Once again, slowly, letting the chance to go away; as always, Miles tries to respect Gwen's space and let her dictate the tone.

And she doesn't miss in what he is trying to do.

AAAAAND I realized I got to the maximun number of images on a post (oops.)

Sorry anon for basically not answering your question, but I got too deep into this ramble for me to delete some of it now.

PART 2

[gaypyro]

Rating the New Champions Variant Covers

So marvel recently revealed a bunch of Varient Covers of "What if every hero had a sidekick/youth counterpart" and while I love most of the designs, some definately are better then others

#22

I hate the Vision Design and I dont know why. Something just feels fundamentally off about it/ Maybe its the fact its a pitch white, skintight 8 year old? Maybe its the posing? The Debris? IDK Man is feels weird.

#21

and

#20

These two get paired together for a single reason

It's just Billy and Teddy. I love Billy and Teddy, their some of the only actual Gay Men in Marvel, but come one guys. Certainly you can do a young Dr. Strange and Young Hulk thats different? Strange goes higher if only because I like the art more, the Young Hulk I just dislike entirely

#19

Speaking of uninspired, the only reason Miles is above Billy & Teddy is that at least shes a different gender then her mainline counterpart. Other then that its probably the laziest design here. Also, you may notice the webbing seems off, that will be a recurring trend here where limbs or background elements were layered improperly or something.

#18

I actually really like this character design. It looks like a fun character in a superhero elementry school spin-off book. The only issue um... thats Storm. Its the next gen Storm and she's white. That's basically my only issue, and why shes above the 3 I actively somewhat dislike designwise, but... Storm is one the premiere Black Superheros. Having her next gen counterpart be white feels so weird. I

#17

On one hand, I can 100% see normal Deadpool wearing this. On the other, the My Boy adds way to much charm for me to rate it with the other uninspired ones, and at least I dont feel like its whitewashing anything. We are at the point where I'd unironically love to see any of these designs in a book, even if its an Elseworld instead of main universe one.

#16

Teen Female Wolverine has been done to death, but I do like how this one goes for a more monstrous Angle compared to Laura and Gabby. The tattered, beast up costumes, beastial feet, large Ponytail giving off the deelling of a mane, nasty looking teeth, and BONE CLAWS very much makes it feel more like a feral forest mutant then the more clean, assassin design Laura had.

#15

The big thing I like here is it isn't a reimagining of Carol Danvers current, captain marvel outfit, but her Miss Marvel ones. We already have Kamala for a new gen version of Carols current design, so a reimigining of the old one, in a way that doesn't feel super fetishy is nice. First I thought it was a dude, but it might be a girl? Unsure.

#14

I really love this design, but it doesn't really scream Black Panther... and I honestly dont care. I love bright colors, makes my brain go byr, and the fact she has a completely different powerset most likely intrigues me.

#13

I have a weakness for fishpeople of all types ok? I find the designs naturally appealing. Even still, Starlord's Chibi Starfish Successor is neat, but not amazing. The ideas done a lot better later on.

#12

He looks like he is having so much fun with his Mentor. I also like how, unlike everyone else, Black Cat's Apprentice is kinda chubby. I don't know man he just seems like he'd be a fun guy to hang out with at college.

#11

Whats better then a succesor to one hero? a Succesor to TWO HEROES! The Captain America Succesor I feel very much has some elements of Wasp design, and I always am down for High Tech Wingspans even if they weren't intentionally going for it.

#10

Instead of being the Scarlet witch they made her the Magenta Witch. All in all I just really like the sorta sorceror design, especially the chosen color scheme. Also ghostly mystical fire is fun you should follow it into the swamp.

#9

Listen I love this design. Its in the top 10 for a reason but man... that arm. Every time I see the image I cant help but notice how insanely small his arm is, like he was supposed to have both arms resting but they decided "Have him twirl a stake so people know its blade."

#8

Moon Squire is here to kick ass and pass third grade math! I just like the Cowl mixed with baseball cap design lol. Moon Knight always fucking kills it with the drip though so im not surprised.

#7

A Friend told me It's Gwen Tennyson cosplaying Magneto and now I cant not see it. I do like that shes implied to have a different powerset then Eric as well, always fun when they did that.

#6

The better Chibi Venom. Only missed the top 5 since I dont think he'd be able to carry a book as the main protag, he is the perfect sidekick though. Just this mildly creepy cutie pootie handing with the fairly creepy Symbiote. After Extreme Venomverse shouldn't be surprised the Venom varient is amazing, but I am suprised thats the direction they went.

#5

If Next Gen Storm and Next Gen Moon Knight are in the Elementary School book, Wee-Hulk is the main god damn character. She's just a very fun little kid hulk, I especially love how shes doing the Iconic "She-Hulk holds a Car Above her head" pose with an electric scooter.

#4

Listen, Non-Binery Latin America Iron Man with the Criminally Underused Grey Armor design is great. They gpt Green Hair, Pronouns, and the backing of Americas #1 Arms Dealer, ready to take on the world!

#3

The Thing has become one of them Yancy Street Kids, and the Fantastic Four are his gang. I just love the design, Spiky Rock person is always a favorite of mine.

#2

Miku Ghost Rider. On Roller Skates. With a fucking Hellfire Flail. I am imagining she has an entire like, Magical Girl Transformation Sequence whenever she transforms, just with a lot more demons and fire then normal.

#1

Listen, I get it. Legs dont bend like that. She is objectively less creative then the last 3 or 4. But, I like Crows. I like Ravens. I like Thor. And this Thor looks like she wont take any of Odins BS when he goes shit dad mode.

[box-dwelling]

So i bully Phoenix for being a bottom a lot but I thought I'd do a post of my other NSFW head canons for AA. Maybe I'll add to this as I get through the series

1: FranMaya is Brat/Brat tamer. I don't even know if I think this needs an explanation. I feel like if you have a passing understanding of who both those characters are and what a Brat and brat tamer are you understand where I'm coming from. I also think they're terminally on again off again. Fran doesn't have like as much of the terminal run away instinct her brother does but like, I think she does break up with Maya the second she gets even slightly annoyed at her. Maya doesnt chase her because she thinks she's over reacting but then the next time they see each other they immediately have sex again. Maybe this works out eventually but I think there's a good while where this is the dynamic. And literally no one knows if they're dating, even them. Like sometimes Maya's like, "yeah she's just sulking, we're still together" and Fran is like "Maya Fey was the worst mistake of my life", because she left a burger wrapper on the counter for 0.25 seconds, and other times Maya's like "she's gone for good this time. It's over" and Fran is just "I still love her I just need to show boundaries" where the boundary is the Atlantic ocean. I think they're toxic and have amazing sex and good for them honestly.

2) Maya Fey and Phoenix Wright 1000% talk about and compare the sexual abilities of the Von Karma siblings. They fucking meet up get drunk and bitch about it and I cannot be convinced otherwise. When Fran and Miles find out instead of being violated they instead just go "but I'm better then him/her right?" (Fran is better for reasons I will now expand on.

3) Miles Edgeworth is painfully vanilla in bed. Listen Ace Edgeworth head canoners I love you and I am kissing you on the mouth but

I do not think he is ace, I think the man is just weird. I am certain Miles Edgeworth calls sex intercourse. If Miles Edgeworth were not the most homosexual human being to walk the planet earth the concept of sex that is not PiV for the express purpose of procreation would make the man faint. Despite this he is hopelessly sexually attracted to men and does not know how to handle it. He has either never seen any porn in his life and turns the TV off during sex scenes or does watch the most vanilla gay porn imaginable and treats it as his deepest darkest secret. And let me add, his attraction to men is not the aberration to him, this isn't an internalised homophobia thing, this is just the deepest sexual representation humanly imaginable and he would be equally weird if he had any attraction to women. Hand holding before marriage seems a step too far for him. He calls dating courting. I am fully convinced he would ask Phoenix's parents permission before allowing himself to even look the man in the eye when he realised he had feelings for him. Do I think this would last when Phoenix actually started sleeping with him? No. I think given Phoenix has proven himself to be pretty kinky he would bring it up, Miles would be a very awkward Dom for like one scene and then start to get over himself and realise this is another way he can do his favourite thing in the world, bullying Phoenix. Their sex life picks up a bit after that

[mariana-oconnor]

The Engineer's Thumb pt 2

Our last entry was particularly gory and followed the lines of 'creepy person offers struggling worker job with pay they cannot afford to refuse and may secretly be a vampire cult leader'.

OK, so I added that last part, that's new, but the skeletal man offering our eponymous Engineer his job had a very undead aesthetic going on, so I'm keeping it.

I'm still not convinced that Mr Hatherley could have survived the trauma and blood loss he experienced long enough to get to Watson, but I was struck the other night, as I was going to bed, by the peculiar thought of what the other passengers on that train must have thought.

In Victorian times, they did still have compartments, so it's possible no one saw him. But in the modern day when you're all stacked in like sardines and he would have been on the commuter train... You're just sitting there, minding your own business, listening to a podcast and trying to ignore the very loud conversation from the two women behind you about how her cousin stole the family dog, entered it in a dog show and accidentally uncovered a drug smuggling ring, then ran off to Ibiza with her mistress -- but not trying too hard because honestly it's more interesting than the podcast, kind of. Anyway, you're minding your own business and you smell... blood.

And there's this guy sitting opposite you looking very pale and kind of sweaty and you've been avoiding making eye contact because he's sort of twitchy and you never make eye contact on British public transport, so instead you look at his hands and... is that a twig? And... a blood stained bandage and... is it just you or does his hand look a weird shape. You should stop staring. Maybe he's just tucking his thumb into his pal- no. No, he doesn't have a thumb. And that's blood and... and he's just sitting on the train with no thumb and fresh blood.

Would it be rude to ask?

It would probably be rude to ask. Like, he probably knows he's missing a thumb and you don't have any medical training and it's none of your business, is it? You should stop staring.

Yeah... honestly not the most disturbing thing I've come across on public transport, but it would be quite the morning.

On to today's email, though.

"Colonel Lysander Stark had said that it was only seven miles, but I should think, from the rate that we seemed to go, and from the time that we took, that it must have been nearer twelve."

Either one of you is about as good at estimating distances as I am, or he's taking the long way round so Mr Hatherley can't find his way back.

"I was aware, more than once when I glanced in his direction, that he was looking at me with great intensity."

This is giving very 'I want to steal your skin and wear you as a suit' energy, or is it just me.

"I tried to look out of the windows to see something of where we were, but they were made of frosted glass"

Was not aware that frosted glass windows were a thing at this point in time. I guess it makes sense as all you really need to do is scratch the surface of the glass a lot, but still. That's interesting.

It's also total overkill. You must come at night, we will take you down the windiest route possible to discombobulate you and we will have frosted windows so you cannot see out and no one can see you inside.

Frosted windows also don't provide any reflections on their frosted side. Not that Colonel Stark is a vampire, of course. I'm not even convinced he's a Colonel.

"We stepped, as it were, right out of the carriage and into the hall, so that I failed to catch the most fleeting glance of the front of the house."

If you look at it the right way, all these precautions are actually kind of reassuring. If you're planning to kill someone, you don't really care if they know where you're doing it. They probably intended to let Mr Hatherley go.

Always look on the bright side of shady nighttime business deals and potential kidnapping attempts.

"I could see that she was pretty, and from the gloss with which the light shone upon her dark dress I knew that it was a rich material. She spoke a few words in a foreign tongue in a tone as though asking a question, and when my companion answered in a gruff monosyllable she gave such a start that the lamp nearly fell from her hand."

And now we're getting some Greek Interpreter shit going on, which explains why I always get those two titles mixed up in my head.

"It was a wonderfully silent house. There was an old clock ticking loudly somewhere in the passage, but otherwise everything was deadly still."

Sounds like hell.

"She held up one shaking finger to warn me to be silent, and she shot a few whispered words of broken English at me, her eyes glancing back, like those of a frightened horse, into the gloom behind her. “‘I would go,’ said she, trying hard, as it seemed to me, to speak calmly; ‘I would go. I should not stay here. There is no good for you to do.’"

Well, I'd be out of there. Honestly, I'd probably be frozen in fright and too scared to try to leave, but I'd want to be out of there. This is about as obvious a red flag as you can get. And she tries 3 times to tell Mr Hatherley to go and he refuses. Trying very hard not to victim blame, but after a certain point of ignoring direct, clear warnings to your life, you have to take some responsibility.

“But I am somewhat headstrong by nature, and the more ready to engage in an affair when there is some obstacle in the way."

...Victor... Victor, Victor. Are you saying that you stayed in the creepy house with the creepy cult-leader not-at-all-undead Colonel because you were feeling contrary?

"I thought of my fifty-guinea fee, of my wearisome journey, and of the unpleasant night which seemed to be before me. Was it all to go for nothing?"

You were feeling contrary and the sunk cost fallacy, got it.

"This woman might, for all I knew, be a monomaniac."

"She listened for an instant, threw up her hands with a despairing gesture, and vanished as suddenly and as noiselessly as she had come."

Girl, same!

"a short thick man with a chinchilla beard growing out of the creases of his double chin"

omg, is there actually a type of beard called a chinchilla beard? Is it fluffy?

The only thing google is giving me is this exact quote and an urban dictionary link, which probably isn't relevant to a 19th century text unless ACD was a time traveller.

So basically he's got a chinchilla tail coming out of his chin? That's how I'm choosing to see it anyway.

“‘I had better put my hat on, I suppose.’ “‘Oh, no, it is in the house.’ “‘What, you dig fuller's-earth in the house?’ “‘No, no. This is only where we compress it. But never mind that."

"There were no carpets and no signs of any furniture above the ground floor, while the plaster was peeling off the walls, and the damp was breaking through in green, unhealthy blotches."

And this is where he lost his thumb? Yeah, no way he's not infected. He's have flu-like symptoms within the hour. Nothing worse than flu-like symptoms. I'm surprised that he didn't get sepsis just from walking through the place. Perhaps the lady is a 'monomaniac' from all the mould spores she's been inhaling. That shit can't be healthy.

“‘We are now,’ said he, ‘actually within the hydraulic press, and it would be a particularly unpleasant thing for us if anyone were to turn it on. The ceiling of this small chamber is really the end of the descending piston, and it comes down with the force of many tons upon this metal floor."'

Hello foreshadowing... postshadowing? Technically this is all a flashback and we know Victor loses his thumb, so I don't know what we call this? A not-so veiled threat?

I'm the opposite of claustrophobic, but there's no way I'm standing in that room.

Is someone going to turn this on intentionally, or is the real villain the OSHA violations we ignored along the way?

"It was obvious at a glance that the story of the fuller's-earth was the merest fabrication..."

“I felt angry at having been tricked by so elaborate a story as that which he had told me. ‘I was admiring your fuller's-earth,’ said I; ‘I think that I should be better able to advise you as to your machine if I knew what the exact purpose was for which it was used.’"

Victor here is standing in the death chamber in front of the murder man saying 'kill me now, please'. Guy has the survival instincts of a giant panda, I swear.

‘Hullo!’ I yelled. ‘Hullo! Colonel! Let me out!’

I'm interested in whether Victor actually thought this would work. His survival instincts have clearly finally kicked in, but they are still sleepy. I get there's not much else he could do, but the man just locked him in the death chamber and flipped the squishing switch, I don't think 'Hullo' is really going to make much of an impact. But if it makes you feel better about this totally avoidable circumstance, Mr Hatherley, then sure. 'Hullo' away.

"Then it flashed through my mind that the pain of my death would depend very much upon the position in which I met it. If I lay on my face the weight would come upon my spine, and I shuddered to think of that dreadful snap. Easier the other way, perhaps; and yet, had I the nerve to lie and look up at that deadly black shadow wavering down upon me?"

Well that's... a thought process. Totally horrifying. 10/10 for shudder inducing.

Mr Hatherley is clearly a very practical man, but at the same time lacks any common sense whatsoever.

"It was the same good friend whose warning I had so foolishly rejected."

This woman is the most patient person ever, and she doesn't even have a name at this point - unless I missed it.

"I clambered out upon the sill, but I hesitated to jump until I should have heard what passed between my saviour and the ruffian who pursued me. If she were ill-used, then at any risks I was determined to go back to her assistance."

Very heroic. Very dumb. Woman's got at least ten times the brains you have and she's survived this long. Admittedly her problem is entirely your fault, but she's risking her life to get you the fuck out. So...get the fuck out.

“‘Fritz! Fritz!’ she cried in English, ‘remember your promise after the last time. You said it should not be again. He will be silent! Oh, he will be silent!’"

The German guy is called Fritz? How unexpected.

And apparently he's a serial person squisher, so that's a thing.

“‘You are mad, Elise!’ he shouted, struggling to break away from her. ‘You will be the ruin of us.'"

Elise, nice to properly meet you. You are the MVP of this story, although you are probably also involved in the criminal undertakings. Sorry Victor was such an idiot. You tried.

"I endeavoured to tie my handkerchief round it, but there came a sudden buzzing in my ears, and next moment I fell in a dead faint among the rose-bushes."

Oh, and his open, bleeding wound fell into the dirt. He is so infected. Victor Hatherley is a dead man walking. No way he survives this.

I've found a paper that states in the 1850s the mortality rate for medical amputations was 45%, with the main cause of death being sepsis. This story is a little later on, not a major limb and, honestly, probably cleaner than a medical amputation at the time (from what I know, Victorian era surgeons weren't big fans of cleaning their equipment or themselves between patients) but even if he doesn't die, that wound is not clean and there's been no cauterisation of the wound and surgeons were at least quick.

"But to my astonishment, when I came to look round me, neither house nor garden were to be seen."

Ghost house! Spooky! I don't think I ever realised before how much ACD leant into the influence of Gothic literature in his works. But he's pulling out all the old favourites.

"I had been lying in an angle of the hedge close by the highroad, and just a little lower down was a long building, which proved, upon my approaching it, to be the very station at which I had arrived upon the previous night."

And we have the answer of why the horse wasn't tired when he arrived at the station - because it had only come from next door - and why so much secrecy in preventing him from seeing where he was going - because he was only going next door.

"The same porter was on duty, I found, as had been there when I arrived. I inquired of him whether he had ever heard of Colonel Lysander Stark. The name was strange to him."

You literally know that's a fake name. His name is Fritz. Of course the porter hasn't heard of Colonel Fakename McPseudonym. He probably has a totally different identity he uses locally.

"There was one about three miles off." “It was too far for me to go, weak and ill as I was. I determined to wait until I got back to town before telling my story to the police."

3 miles is too far, but he can totally wait for a train and sit on it, then walk when he's in London. I mean, Victor, you have no thumb, that's pretty good evidence that you need assistance, I'm sure someone would fetch a police officer for you. I'm surprised they haven't already. How many city folk do they get turning up at stupid o'clock in the morning covered in blood and clearly very confused?

You know... I heard that as I was typing it and you're right. That probably is just an average Tuesday. Victorian equivalent of a stag do. Is it really a party if someone doesn't lose a thumb?

"I put the case into your hands and shall do exactly what you advise.”

I personally advise an immediate course of broad spectrum antibiotics, but given that they won't be discovered until the next century, I guess you're shit out of luck. Dip the whole hand in brandy and hope for the best.

Brandy! It cures everything! Unless you die!

I still don't know what Fritz and the chinchilla are up to. Seems like maybe it isn't a land-selling scam after all. But apparently he has been murdering random people, so that's concerning. The problem comes down to the fact I don't really know what hydraulic presses would be used for? Making coins? Is this a forgery business? That lines up with the 'crust of metallic deposit' Victor found in it.

So I'm going to go with that for now, coin forgery. Though why they are German, I don't know. Maybe just because it would add to the Gothic horror vibes if they had accents. Maybe they're working specifically to destabilise the British economy. Or maybe it's not related at all.

[leupagus]

Ted Lasso 3.08: Live Gus Reacts (except she went to bed and THEN wrote this)

So first off — as predicted, the storyline of Sam being the victim of a traumatic hate crime was strictly a one-and-done afterschool special. I am zero percent surprised but goddamn is that disappointing. Especially because this episode not only does it AGAIN with Keeley's trauma, but it also clearly shows that the writers can choose not to do it, with how they're treating Colin's storyline as an important topic that is spread out over at least four episodes. These storylines could have been given space, too, but Sudeikis has clearly chosen some characters over others, and I just... really disagree with those choices.

The episode itself!

Hey Jude, What Is This Shit

I have absolutely zero idea where the whole Henry-Ted-Michelle-Jake mess is going, but it was nice to see a glimpse into how Henry actually feels about his dad essentially abandoning him for two and a half years. (Which in the context of the show, I get — but damn it does not work like that in real life.) The comment about how Henry has the most air miles of any kid in his school indicates that he actually flies over to England pretty regularly, which is interesting; I'm guesstimating Henry's age at about 11, which is technically old enough to fly on your own but I cannot imagine how lonely that trip is.

I loved the Beard-Henry connection, though — Beard obviously does this regularly when Henry comes to visit, to the extent that he has his own apron at Ted's house, and although I don't ship Beard/Ted I definitely Get It. The Hey Jude conversation was lovely, and both Hunt and Gus Turner did a great job with that. Also Henry's growing obsession with soccer (he called it football! This is not a kid who's ever playing Pop Warner again, sorry Ted) is great for me personally and the theory that Henry will get recruited by a football academy. Maybe they'll give him drum lessons too.

As for Ted's behavior — I was actually with him about the likelihood of Jake proposing to Michelle, to the point where I didn't get how the rest of the Diamond Dogs (YES I DID FLIP MY LID AT TRENT GETTING INDUCTED, DON'T WORRY, woof indeed) were telling him he was jumping to conclusions. On the other hand, the private detective thing was... what? Like aside from being straight-up unforgivable if Michelle ever found out about it, what exactly would a PI do in this situation? How is a PI supposed to find out if Jake is gonna propose??? Just incredibly weird.

On the other other hand, it allowed Rebecca to do something she's really good at: offering advice, based on having previously done it the wrong way. The (multiple! Tedbecca nation rejoice!) conversations between her and Ted were just lovely (although I did love her "aaaaren't you supposed to be like, doing your job?" moment when he came into her office) and the point about how Ted needs to buy a fucking ladder and GET OVER IT wrt Michelle was one Ted desperately needed to hear, even though he clearly didn't actually listen, given the way he behaved with Michelle in that last scene. And that last scene — I dunno man. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

In short: I like Michelle a lot, but frankly she deserves better than the guy Ted's turning into, and if the show actually puts them back together then what the fuck was this show even about.

Nate and the Rhinestone Dogs

So on the one hand, the correlation between Nate having a successful relationship and Nate coming back somewhat (and somewhat erratically, hmm) from his prime dickish behavior isn't a great look — this show really leans on the "all a man needs is the Love Of A Good Woman" and it's gross. On the other hand, I don't think that Jade is a cause of this so much as a witness to it; the moment where she notices his smile when he's looking at that picture of Ted and Henry and Beard, for example.

Also yes, I have turned around 180 on Jade — the first two episodes she was in, her character was written HORRIBLY, and everyone (including me!) who read her character as racist was absolutely right to do so. However, the show itself clearly didn't intend that, so I'm going to roll with it and focus on how she acts with Nate now — and guys, it's pretty fucking cute. I think my favorite thing about her is that she's still very much the same: she thinks he's weird! She notices details about him and has a very flat reaction! But she likes who he is, likes being around him; I love the detail that she said yes to every (hesitant, worried, still-unsure) suggestion Nate made for further hangouts. Staying over? Yes. Going out for breakfast? Sure. Another breakfast date? 👍 (Sidenote: as a fellow white lady who uses the yellow skintone, I was hilarified that Jade is also a white lady who uses the yellow skin tone.) She comes over to his house and brings him wine; she wants to celebrate with him, even though she clearly gives zero shits about football. And the moment where she agrees to the boyfriend/girlfriend monikers was adorable. I confess, they got me.

The not-quite-diamond-dogs scene was straight out of something Mohammed would write for Intelligence (his other show — btw, Mohammed is the writer and star of a whole other TV show about an American in Britain) and I watched the whole exchange with Rupert's assistant cringing with embarrassment, but the fact that Nate is trying to forge the family-style camaraderie he had in Richmond is simultaneously hilarious and heartbreaking. I think the thing Nate is missing is that the Diamond Dogs are built out of mutual trust and respect; but he neither trusts nor respects any of his chosen pack at West Ham (I don't think he respects Rupert, really — fears him sure, but respect? no). Which is just as well, because these guys are useless.

The whole bit with Ted, Henry and Beard (in full Richmond regalia — I love you Beard) attending the game was honestly lovely; Henry clearly adores Nate (I want all the fics about Henry and Nate doing the same game Henry and Will did, and Henry being the one to teach it to Will). The choice Ted and Michelle have made not to tell Henry about Nate's role in Ted's public humiliation is a good one, from a parental POV, but also an interesting one from a drama POV; Ted doesn't want Henry to hate Nate, which he absolutely would if he knew. And those decisions parents make for their kids — are they the right ones? I don't know! But parenting is complicated. ANYWAY, Nate's reaction both in that moment — just incredible acting from Mohammed btw, he's so GOOD — and afterward, when he's trying desperately to put the wall up of cruel indifference after Henry's smashed it down, the whole thing just ruined me. I muttered "oh, Nate" like five times during this episode.

Keeley should have Jack, Roy and Jamie be her pallbearers when she dies, so they can let her down ONE MORE TIME

I hated everything about Keeley's storyline, because again it was traumatizing a character for the purpose of showing how other people react to her trauma — Jamie, Roy, Jack — rather than letting her be the focus. I've seen others note how passive she is in this episode, and while I think it was more holding her own ground rather than being frozen in fear, the line was a little too blurry for my taste.

I did love her retail therapy (and yes the hat/dress/polo combo was absolutely a nod to Pretty Woman, which... equating Keeley to a prostitute in the context of this storyline ain't great, but the dress was adorable) and her staunch refusal to feel shame or regret for making a sex vid for Jamie back when they were together. Because she's right — there's absolutely nothing that she did wrong, and Jack's insistence that she be embarrassed over it was the death knell for their relationship.

Re Jack: I thought it was a good character choice for her to be angry at Keeley, because as the mini-golf scene illustrates, Jack doesn't really want to admit that Keeley is her girlfriend right now. The reason is, I think, open to interpretation, but my read on it wasn't that Jack is closeted — it's that she is incredibly sensitive to her own social status, which was already imperiled by dating a former "Page 3 girl" and is now at even more risk if people know about Keeley's video. (I know Keeley Hazell was the co-writer for this episode, and I can only imagine her experience with people who have considered her hot enough to fuck but not good enough to date.) So the only way for Jack to save face is to force her girlfriend into a Repentant Sinner box, someone who had done terrible (read: sexual) things but is really truly sorry and will never do such nasty things again. Which isn't who Keeley is! She likes sex and she likes being sexy; and like she said, there's a world of difference between putting your own image out there deliberately and having private things stolen from you.

The scene between Keeley and Roy was awful, and I hated him for asking her such a shitty, invasive question — even with his visible regret and self-loathing immediately after, that is one of those things you don't come back from without a LOT of work. And no, I don't think it makes it "better" that he clearly suspected the video had been for Jamie back when they were dating — if anything, it makes it worse, since a) if he really needed the information, he could've asked Jamie and b) WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR DEAL, DUDE. This season has shown Roy to be much crueler than previously, and I don't like the notion that just as Keeley made him "better," her absence has made him "worse." As I said, this show is bad about making women responsible for the shortcomings of the men in their lives and I'm sick of it. If they do decide to go for a throuple, I hope Keeley makes Roy sweat.

The scene between Keeley and Jamie was much better, although unlike Keeley I do think Jamie should've thought to delete the emails. But she's right in that it wasn't his fault; his guilt is appropriate but not borne out of any actual malicious wrongdoing, which matters! And I found Jamie's thought process around him and Keeley and Roy to be FASCINATING; it makes sense, really, that he thought maybe he had a chance with Keeley post breakup (lol honey no), though I don't think it was their hookup in episode 1.08 that made him think that. Rather, he knows Keeley's a forgiving and openhearted person, and that she "saw the best version of himself" when no one else did, so he hoped that he could one day get that back. The moment in episode 1.10 when Roy opens Keeley's door does hit a little harder now though, since that must've been when Jamie a) realized they were together and b) first thought they were just doing it to get back at him. I don't feel sorry for Jamie, but I do feel for him.

However, the best scene was between Keeley and Rebecca, the only person who really deserves her (KeeleyBecca nation rejoice!) because she actually offered comfort and advice and support, rather than apologies or demands or jealousy. I thought their whole conversation was great, and perfectly fit both their characters — including the brief, horrifying comment about Keeley's predator teacher, because yes that's awful, but Keeley isn't the sort of person who traumadumps for sympathy. So Rebecca's somewhat blithe response rang very true to me as like, an actual conversation I'd have with my friends, vs the Ideal Modeling Behavior a lot of fandom expects characters to parrot. (This gets into a whole essay I want to write about the difference between things characters say 'in public' vs 'in private' and how a lot of times we as an audience don't think there should be any difference, even though in the real world of course you recognize that there's a difference.) Anyway, they should get married.

Oh my god this post is already longer than all the dicks Colin had to delete off his phone

The himbo conversation was absolutely amazing, including the intro where Jamie is their Lynx/Axe dealer. Love that beautiful dumdum. I don't think it's in any way realistic that a bunch of footballers would delete the pics of all the people they've slept with, but this is LassoLand where Santa is real and I was incredibly charmed by it. And I think it lead pretty naturally to the moment with Isaac and Colin — even up to Isaac grabbing Colin's phone, because again, the way you behave in public is different than the way you behave with friends (although you look me in the eye and tell me Isaac McAdoo wouldn't grab your phone if he thought you were being an asshole). Bokinni and Harris sold the shit out of that scene, but this is now the second time Colin's sexuality has been used as a cliffhanger of "will someone else hurt this marginalized person?? STAY TUNED!!!" and frankly I expected way better from Dylan Marron, the other co-writer of this episode.

I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting — I've only watched the episode once — but I'm gonna post this now before it gets any more embarrassingly long. What a weird episode. It felt like those candyfloss grapes: I'm not sure if I like them, but I did eat the whole bag.

[sweeneytoddblog]

Review of 2023 Sweeney Todd cast album

The other day I noticed that this was revival was announced a year ago now. I have been waiting so long that I had to remind myself not to have impossibly high expectations.

Overall, it's a decent album and it gets the job done: good performances, good orchestrations, and stylistically is more similar to the original show than any of the other cast recordings. However, I am not sure I would consider it the definitive album.

This is going to be a brief and not-super-detailed review, just wanted to get down all my major thoughts!

For me, the highlight is Josh Groban. No, I haven't seen him live, but I cannot imagine disliking him on vocal performance alone. If I go back to listen to this over the 1979 album this fall, it will probably be because of him. My other favorites were John Rapson as Beadle Bamford (so over the top it was amazing) and Nicholas Christopher as Pirelli.

With the amount of times that somebody said "26 piece orchestra" when promoting this show, I made sure to pay special attention to the instrumentals. The orchestrations were beautiful, but I was also disappointed, because I remembered hearing several new orchestrations in the live recording, and I was excited to hear them professionally recorded for the first time. Sadly, they didn't make an appearance.

One issue I had was the accents, and hey, NO ONE'S accent is perfect in this. But in the case of Annaleigh Ashford, it is a major distraction. Her bizarre pronunciations actually take away from her singing at times. She also came in at lower energy than I was expecting, and I suspect she was focusing too hard on the dialect (I cannot say how this compares to her stage presence). This being said, she still has a better voice than a lot of Mrs. Lovett's, and definitely a unique take. And I will say that there were still times I felt I could understand what she was saying better than Angela Lansbury.

Personally, I don't think authenticity to Cockney accents is really that big of a deal with this show, especially with such an American cast, so I could have done without (I mean, Len Cariou and George Hearn don't even attempt British accents to begin with, and I usually don't notice.) This is also something I noticed with Maria Bilbao, who is an excellent Johanna other than her weird vowels.

The lowest point for me is Jordan Fisher, who really sticks out like a sore thumb among the rest of the cast. I felt he was noticeably lacking in vocal power. On a more personal level, I also am just not a huge fan of Gaten Matarazzo's voice, and I dislike Ruthie Ann Miles' characterization of Lucy.

Overall, the album feels like it was designed as a collection of singles rather than a comprehensive recording of the show. There were several choices that tipped me off to this:

The arrangement of songs such as "Johanna" and "Not While I'm Around" to make the lyrics flow more seamlessly as a "stand-alone" song rather than a piece of the plot

Omission of plot-relevant dialogue and sound effects

Absence of some shorter ballads, "Wigmaker Sequence," and most of "Parlor Songs" (which REALLY sucks because we rarely even see the full version that appears in this show anymore)

When I listen to Sweeney Todd, I usually listen to the whole album in one go (or maybe just Act 1, or just Act 2.) So for me this direction wasn't what I wanted or expected. Personally I enjoy all the dialogue on the 1979 album as it helps to immerse me in the story, and I also think it would be helpful for anyone unfamiliar with the show.

The more glaring issue is that Judge Turpin's role is greatly reduced. Without any of his scenes with dialogue or "Mea Culpa," I feel like I barely know who the character is based on this album. He appears a few times, lacks his big solo, and we don't really hear anyone talk about him that much. I don't know, I'm tempted to go back and see what his presence is like on the other cast albums now? But he seemed to be somewhat forgotten amongst all the characters.

I have listened to the whole thing twice now and I can't say for sure whether I will come to prefer it over other albums and casts. But I definitely found it to be worth revisiting, and Josh Groban's Sweeney in particular has me in love. However, I have a feeling that the 1979 album will always be first in my biased heart.

[looselipssinkships-x]

9.65km//6mi -> 53:25 ((8:54 mile pace//6.7mph))

✨🐑🌌 infinity on high 🌌🐑✨ - fall out boy

- thriller - "the take over, the breaks over" - this ain't a scene, it's an arms race - i'm like a lawyer with the way i'm always trying to get you off (me & you) - hum hallelujah - golden - thnks fr th mmrs - don't you know who i think i am? - the (after) life of the party - the carpal tunnel of love - bang the doldrums - fame < infamy - you're crashing, but you're no wave - i've got all this ringing in my ears and none on ny fingers - g.i.n.a.s.f.s. - it's hard to say "i do," when i don't

This was such a treat??? Thriller fucks SEVERELY. Absolute banger of an opener. Also listening to this entire album in order was so nostalgic. The absolute hold this album had on 19-20 year old me. I had a burned cd i played to death in my car the summer i got my first real apartment. I did spend a decent portion of the run zoning out and thinking about getting to blast this album again on my drive this weekend. Take over breaks over continues the impeccable beginnings of the album, as does this ain't a scene. I'm like a lawyer starts a little slow for my liking? It's an excellent song to strut to, a little harder to keep a good run to (especially going uphill, i think downhill would be easier. Also around the second chorus - ish it evens out and like, still isn't personally great, but is alright to run to)((i looked up bpms for the album and it's actually the slowest song on the album, so this checks out i guess?) Hum hallelujah brings it back up y'all!! Golden keeps a good tempo, and im a slut for a good driving piano bit. Thnks fr th mmrs brings out something feral in me. I will not deny it. I think i hit my first downhill at carpal tunnel of love? I don't super remember because i got that weird spikey insides feeling (it's my first day off after four in a row. i have shit a lot). Bang the doldrums was the second big downhill and it was a delight. My insides were a little too messed up to sing along tonight, which was a bummer because ioh has some good ones, but you have to scream along to the tombstone bit. That got my pace back on track a bit. g.i.n.a.s.f.s., my beloved <3 it's hard to say i do dips down again a bit, as far as tempos go, and i realized i may not have dressed properly, as i've now been outside for ~50 minutes and can't super feel my upper arms. (It's 19*F/-7.2*C with a real feel of 8*F/-13.3*C. I have not gotten back up to go to the gym yet because I'm still in front of my space heater trying to thaw out)((i really looked at my sweatshirt before taking off and went "no i don't want to get all sweaty." bitch!!! sweaty???))

I'll probably make an ioh playlist without i'm like a lawyer and it's hard to say i do and use it for 8.1km/5mi to 8.85km/5.5mi runs, and then hopefully get fast enough to run the full six miles in those 47 minutes and 41 seconds (under 8 minutes a mile! maybe someday, but not today).

ioh, i love you, always <3

"be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high. then life seems almost enchanted after all." - vincent van gogh

[siliquasquama]

CHIEF POWHATAN: Hey, Johnny my boy. How are you and my daughter getting along? JOHN SMITH: Great, great, uh...I actually wanted to ask you, do you know what the colors of the wind actually are? CHIEF POWHATAN: Oh no. She gave you the 'blue corn moon' talk. JOHN SMITH: Yeah, I still can't figure out half of it. I thought maybe one of your folks could help me? Maybe I could ask the medicine guy? CHIEF POWHATAN: Look, dude, I'm gonna level with you. Nobody in the entire village knows what the hell Pocahontas is talking about with that shit. Okay? The Medicine Man swears he didn't teach her any of it. I don't know where it comes from. JOHN SMITH: But I thought -- CHIEF POWHATAN: What, you thought we were all kooky nature freaks? Come on. We try to sustain our land as best we can, we have our rituals and stuff, Medicine Man has his whole deal, but we don't get weird with it. Pocahontas is, you know, a lot. But she's her own kind of a lot, you get me? She's kind of nuts. JOHN SMITH: You want to say that about your own daughter? CHIEF POWHATAN: I have five daughters. And FOUR of them are actually USEFUL when the CORN needs to be HARVESTED while ONE of them RIDES HER CANOE DOWN RAPIDS like a FREAKING IDIOT. Look, I heard that Rolfe guy is interested in her -- JOHN SMITH: Him and Kokoam, right? CHIEF POWHATAN: Kokoam got fed up with her after the rapids incident. Rolfe is still angling for her because he doesn't know her that well. I know you like her and all, but, uh. Maybe step back and let him have her? Find someone more sensible? JOHN SMITH: No, but here's the thing. She's got that raccoon that follows her around, right? And the hummingbird. Have you ever seen either of those critters do that with anyone else? CHIEF POWHATAN: Can't say I have. JOHN SMITH: And I heard her talking to a tree the other day -- CHIEF POWHATAN: Yeah, sounds like her. JOHN SMITH: -- and I could swear I heard the tree talking back. CHIEF POWHATAN: You been hitting the tobacco pipe too hard? JOHN SMITH: I'm serious! Okay I mean it doesn't sound serious but I heard the creaking of wood and the rustle of leaves and then the voice of this old lady singing, except that her voice also sounded like leaves rustling and wood creaking. CHIEF POWHATAN: Uh... JOHN SMITH: And you know what, I should have mentioned earlier, she didn't give me the 'blue corn moon' TALK. It was a SONG. Like accompanied by music. I heard someone playing a flute. CHIEF POWHATAN: You still sound like you were hallucinating. JOHN SMITH: Oh yeah? And how the hell am I talking utterly fluently in YOUR LANGUAGE when I only got here a month ago? No, don't answer that, I'll tell you what happened. I ran into your daughter at the waterfall and I heard some old lady singing 'listen with your heart' or something and there were these colored leaves swirling around and suddenly me and Pocahontas could understand each other perfectly. CHIEF POWHATAN: I was gonna ask about that. You wandered into the village talking like you'd been trading with us for your entire life. I just thought you picked it up from...the Spanish or something. I don't know. JOHN SMITH: Well maybe you want to be a little more curious from now on? CHIEF POWHATAN: So what, I should spy on my daughter? When I asked Kokoam to do it he got attacked by the hummingbird. JOHN SMITH: She trusts me. Maybe she'll let me in on the whole thing and I can tell you what's going on. CHIEF POWHATAN: Shit, yeah, okay...Maybe you can also get that Radcliffe guy off my back? I keep getting messengers from him demanding mineral rights. JOHN SMITH: Stonewall him. Dude's looking for gold. If you give him an inch he'll take a mile. Do your people have any gold jewelry? Tell them to chuck it into the sea. I'll see if I can run interference on my end. Maybe Pocahontas can put those colors of the wind to some use. CHIEF POWHATAN: Alright, I'll do what I can here. Let me know if you actually see that tree talking.

[gingerteaonthetardis]

having just watched s1-7 for the first time, i'm think i'm both a season of secret sex believer and also a personal headcanon haver.

like, i think their first time was way way early on—like s1 early—and neither of them could decide whether they liked it or not because scully was too bossy and mulder was too intense and this was supposed to be quick and stress-relieving, but it wasn't exactly, because neither of them know how to be un-stressed or fast-moving. also they are partners and peers and they actually really do respect one another so that was risky. so they form this unspoken agreement not to ever ever do it again because it was Just Too Weird. technically fine, but Weird.

only, as time passes, they start to have feelings. unexpected, unwanted feelings. feelings that can no longer be strictly categorized as 'professional' or 'platonic.' but it's fine, because they have their agreement in place. a little bulwark: they're not doing that again, and surely if they do something crazy like date they will inevitably end up breaking the rule doing it like horny rabbits.

so they don't do anything at all for, like, six more years. no kisses that aren't tragic goodbye kisses or relieved kisses. kisses with purpose. anything else, just fucking crickets. she nearly dies; he nearly dies; they nearly die for each other with greater consistency and regularity than the average train timetable. meanwhile, they are so in love that it is actually functionally stupid. it occasionally makes them dumb. it often makes them brilliant. they're obsessed with nonsexual touch. and everyone everywhere assumes they're fucking already. but! agreement. no making it Weird.

but then... mulder can read minds and is in lockup and she has to work with the lone gunmen again and she has to go to africa and there's a spaceship and she is trusting skinner with looking after the love of her life and there's ancient texts everywhere and dead zombie fish and she has this moment of 'oh wait. it is so goddamn Weird and intense all the time. everything about my life is like this and i am never going to want anything different.' she likes her Weird ass job and she likes herself and she likes mulder even though his fridge has exactly two things in it at this current moment (orange juice, spicy brown mustard) which is crazy. and also he is out of his mind biting people. but it's too late. she kind of likes shitty hotels, likes racking up airline miles. she loves gas station coffee.

in fact, she loves basically everything on that list, up to and including fox mulder. she decides to tell him about this revelation when he gets his brain back.

and sure, when it happens they are a little (a lot) worried because it's riskier than ever to do this now. and sure, it might be a little (a lot) Weird to do this again after so much time. especially when she's still bossy, he's still intense, and god help them they are still so stressed out.

but they've been partners for seven years now so... huh. they realize nothing is really Weird anymore. not in that way. it's just them how they always were, only they know better, listen better now and they've got a bunch of scars. oh, and they're in love this time. yeah, they're really really in love this time.

so maybe they were just getting ahead of themselves back then. and now they're all caught up. right time, right place for once. how Weird

[blacklodgemusictx]

The thing about plans is: they necessitate optimism. You have to assume the world will keep turning for long enough to get to the plans in... The Future.

Three months ago, I went, "We should see the Pool Kids"... in Ohio! Somehow it made sense to fly 1200 miles to see them on a Thursday versus the normal hoops I have to jump through to see any band here in Texas (Austin and Denton are a Tuesday and a Wednesday. Any time I see a show in Texas, due to the fact that I live nowhere anyone would ever want to come on purpose, there is always extra time off to be requested for drive time -- 3ish hours for Denton, 4 hrs one way for Austin).

"Good Girls Go to Heaven, Bad Girls Go on Tour" also represents the Pool Kids' first foray out on the world as... headliners (starry eyes.)

I didn't write about the Pool Kids back in March. I should have. It would be a lot easier now to describe what they mean to me if I had.

The Pool Kids are a delightful anomaly in my own history. I discovered them 100% on my own. No outside influence what so ever. Doug and I simply lamented one night in late 2018/early 2019 that we really needed to find something closer by to do. Maybe something is happening close by and we don't even know it! Something that won't require... taking off time from WORK?! So I got on Spotify and searched for bands touring nearby -- within a 100 mile radius (Dallas is 186 miles). I looked at the results: someone called the Pool Kids. In San Angelo. 91 miles!!

They were the *only* band not wearing cowboy hats in their profile picture.

They're new (at the time) album was called "Music to Practice Safe Sex To." Ok. I put it on for a listen. Girl singer. Ugh. Not my thing. But anything to block out the random bullshit background noise in my office. I play it through. Eh. Doesn't Grab me.

Oh well, it was worth a try.

But time passes... brain says, "lizzz.... lizzz listen to that album again... lizzzz" Yes, brain, I do as you command.

And it grabs me.

It grabs me hard.

And I *love* it. I don't know why. I'm big on understandable lyrics. And I can't say I understand half of what is being said. But the melodies are gorgeous. I get goosebumps. Whatever she's talking about it, it's sad... and contemplative. And angry ("I should rip your throat out for what you've done to me...") Her voice is low for the most part. Something I've only learned about myself recently is I tend toward listening to voices that sound closer to my own and I'm a contralto.

When I look in to the band, I'm told it's "math rock." I have no fucking clue what that means (musicians have explained it to me: Complex time signatures. Key changes. Sounds like a new definition of "prog" to me. Close, the musicians tell me, but not quite.) Whatever. Don't make me label a thing. And for sure if you tell me it's "math rock" and then assume I will like other kinds of "math rock" I will refuse on principle. I pride myself on being harder to define in my tastes than that.

The reality? My finger is placed squarely on it later. "oooOOOOooo I see!" Hayley Williams from Paramore acknowledges and gives them props at some point... *that's* it. They remind me of the Paramore appreciation I gleaned from my time as a too-old-to-admit-it-Twihard. Simple.

We absolutely go to the San Angelo gig. Doug and I are easily the oldest people there -- old enough to be these kids' parents easily. The "De Nada" is a artsy thrift store during the day. At night, they push the clothing racks and other offerings against the wall and become a venue.

There are somewhere in the neighborhood of three to five bands. They all sort of run together. The only one I remember is a band from New Orleans. The lead singer is wearing a ruffly shirt and I'm pretty sure he wants to be the Vampire LeStat when he grows up. He does weird acrobatics. Somersaults? Paints his face with red lipstick.

The Pool Kids wail.

I am floored. They are actually kids (something you must know about me is I've been approximately 200 years old since I was in high school... I would have acknowledged their youth even if they had been OLDER than me at that point.) But the amount of rock they bring is amazing, jaw dropping. Lead singer Christine, SHREADS, does that "up-on-the-neck tapping" guitar thing I only saw as a kid stealing glances at MTV when Mom wasn't around (baby cousin posted look out at the door... promptly and cheerfully narc'd on me for doing something I wasn't supposed to).

I have a couple videos from that night on YouTube. One example being:

We talk to them after. Doug wants to know about their influences. In the accidentally condescending way my brain works, since I’ve been 200 years old this whole time… I am interested to hear what they say. How do you cultivate that amount of raw power and instrument mastery at that age? The only thing I remember being mentioned was Pink Floyd.

Nice.

I come prepared. I cashed out my Christmas money before coming. Pretending to be a baller, I fan out the cash and buy as much of their merch as possible. It was $100, but the way all their eyes lit up, I felt important. And I loved it. I think Christine hugged me. I don’t really remember. I hope that got them lots of van gas and hot meals as they continued on their way… bringing the good news of rock to other points of the compass.

I was now flush with copies of their album. I sent one to Salim and one to Sue Harshe – a friend we made on a pilgrimage to see Scrawl (godmothers of riot grrl — look them up!) in Knoxville in 2015.

Fast forward…

Life changing time with Salim on the road Feb 2020… two last shows: Caroline’s Spine in Tulsa… And the Pool Kids in Houston. March 2020. On an impressive bill with the Wonder Years. Bigger! Poised for up up up bigger and better things.

Then the world ended.

But it got better….

(didn’t it?)

We saw them in Dallas this March at Amplified Live.

And I cried.

Not just a quiet trickle from the corner of my eye.

I cried hard. There they were. Rocking. Bigger and better. Christine working the crowd like a young Bono at Red Rocks. Coming in to herself. Coming into themselves as young rock gods. Master of the stage. Master of all they survey. I was just so in love with what I was seeing and hearing. So proud of them. So happy that we as humans were back. Able to watch a show like this and just be together again. Maybe everything would be ok after all.

I talked to Nicolette (complete bass domination — Doug commented much later that she seems to have the most fun performing on stage of anyone he’s ever seen… and his history as a fine appreciator of rock is ten years longer than mine) at the merch table later. Tried to get myself under control. Still had an embarrassing hitch in my throat. I have seen a LOT of good performances before, but none that have gotten that kind of response before.

She remembers me. I know not a huge amount of time has passed, but in their history and progression as a band and our progression as a now traumatized people… millennia has passed.

I am touched.

So now we are back up to current. They are headlining. Of course they are. They deserve every bit of this. Again I swell with pride though… I’ve backed a winning horse. This is rare. Usually when I love you, you break up (RIP People in Planes).

The deciding factor that made us pick Ohio though was two fold: first date of the tour and where it was: ACE OF CUPS. Ace of Cups was owned by the other half of Scrawl, Marcy Mays (what I didn’t know at the time was that Marcy no longer owns it as of the end of 2022.)

I Facebook squeal. Sue, I tag, can I take ANY sort of credit for this? She agrees that I can, but without elaboration. I don’t know if the credit comes in the fact that I just love them THAT much and have therefore done that “manifesting” thing I keep hearing about. I have WISHED this in to existence. In my happy mind movie though, back in 2019, Sue passes the album on to Marcy. Marcy agrees that they wail. Mentions as ownership of Ace of Cups passes from her, that the Pool Kids are really amazing and if they come by, you should totally get them. Pool Kids acquired.

Perhaps best to just enjoy my happy mind movies and not require further elaboration.

Back to present-present.

Flying always seems like such a doable thing until you (I) are there. I forgot my calm-down pills. The little white bits of magic that make the anxiety grey out for a few hours. There’s also that lull where you watch your airport gate fill up. Maybe *this* time the flight won’t be full.

It’s always full.

Leg one is to Atlanta. Short layover.

Text from Salim, “Can you talk at some point today?”

Literally, right now. This is the most available I will be all day.

So he calls. He’s had a health set back (read his Facebook… I never know what I’m allowed to talk about when it comes to other people.) Our trip that was on the books for the 07/21-07/27 with Rhett {Miller} is off. Off 100% sure? I am just trying to clarify for the purpose of undoing plans. But the voice that lives in my head and constantly tells me I’m an asshole pipes up. Way to make it about you. Jerk. He’s poorly and you are asking if the trip really, truly is off. That’s not what I meant. It’s never what I mean.

I am able to cancel all the hotels and get credit for the plane fare before we even line queue up for next boarding.

I have always had a sense for when something is meant to happen. I didn’t feel like this trip was a good idea. Salim is a big proponent for listening to the universe when it tells you something. I try to be too. We were all meant to stay here for now. I hate that he had to have something health related happen, but in the end… I think we will all realize we were supposed to stay home. Whether I get sick, or Doug, or one of the cats. Something will happen to make me go, “Oh. Here it is. I hear you, universe.” For Salim, I think his prescription is stillness. He is the most go-go-go person I know. He never stops swimming. Something wants him to stop swimming for right now.

This is ok. Seriously. I don’t mind and the only thing I am worried about is my friend.

So we board for hop to. Columbus. Our destination.

The flight is not bad. I feel optimistic. Maybe soon I will master my fear. Fly all the time like it’s not a big deal… maybe make an international jaunt before too long — an idea I’ve never entertained before.

We land at two-ish. Haven’t eaten. There’s a Bob Evans in our hotel’s parking lot. I’ve never been to a Bob Evans. It feels sort of like a Dennified Cracker Barrel. I don’t eat much. I drink even less (there’s that foreshadowing thing again).

We go back to our room and sleep. It’s good sleep. The bed is soft, but not too soft. We wake up at 6:30. Venue is a mile away. Doors at 7.

I primp a bit. No makeup this time. Though it’s easily 25 degrees cooler here than home and there are perceptible dark clouds that might mean a bit of rain if we behave ourselves. I could have worn makeup, but it doesn’t matter.

The venue… there’s that twinge in my chest again. It’s worse this time. But I am delighted. The stage is dark and light chevrons, the backdrop: red curtains. There’s a recognizable symbol on the wall (the thing that looks like an ant’s head with antennae on either side). This is what BLM would have looked like. We HAD the red curtains purchased — they are in our dining room now. The chevron design is a rug … that’s still rolled up in a corner and hasn’t been touched for a year now. Someone else is like me. They know. Again I don’t know if that was Marcy or the new owners and it doesn’t matter if I ask. It still exists. If I managed to walk any further back past the stage… there probably would’ve been owls. Schrodinger’s venue. By not exploring further, it contains all possibilities.

The first band is Chase Petra (the second is Sydney Sprague per the tour poster.) I didn’t look either up ahead of time. I have never given much credence to the idea that I could be influenced to love just by proximity to the band I came to see… but I instantly recognize this idea as false: I got Salim from being an opener. I got Jesse and Landon from Salim… sight unseen.

And I love them both.

Chase Petra is amazing. They are young and saucy. They have attitude. In keeping with the name of the tour, emphasis on “girls.” Chase Petra are 3/4 girl. And all power. The vibe is similar to the Pool Kids. A strong, young, shredding female vocalist, but the show stopper was the other guitarist. She was an eighties hair metal rock god reincarnate. All flying fingers and whipping hair.

It’s so FUCKING LOUD. The hair on my arms vibrates, my heart doesn’t know when to beat, my stomach vibrates.

I love them. The audience loves them too and shouts along with most of their songs.

Band two: Sydney Sprague. They are older. The bass player wears a neckerchief like Fred from Scooby Doo and commands a Moog in between bass slinging duties. The singer is all in black and reminds me of me. Same dark hair style and cut I kept in high school. She’s got a sweet voice, higher than the other girls on the bill. Their performance is a little more low key, but no less powerful. They are a fantastic, cohesive unit in total control of their art.

Someone further to my left up front has brought huge bunches of roses. One for each band. Chase Petra’s bunch lives on stage by their set list, Sydney receives hers like a beauty queen. All blushing and sweet thanks. “Fred” leans over and buries his nose in the bouquet for a moment.

Finally, the moment draws close. I am keenly aware that I am running out of time. I have spent energy enjoying the first two bands. I will pay for this. My spine continues to grind itself to sand, as I assume it will for the rest of my life. I have already remarked that it’s “hot in here.” Liz, it’s not, Doug says. Not good. I’ve had a total of maybe 4 ounces to drink today. All in the name of easier travel.

I’ve taken small moments in between each band to sit on the edge of the stage. I know I will eventually hinder something to do with the bands and their myriad cables and plugs, or the imposing young doorman with the impressive afro will come along and tell me to get up.

Neither.

It’s Nicolette the lovely bass player again. “Excuse me, I have to get in here,” I was sitting on a blank plate that ended up covering electrical sockets. I touch her shoulder. She looks at me. Ah, there’s the recognition. She’s glad to see me.

She puts out the setlist. I’m excited. But filled with dread. I have to last this long. I have to fight my own body for 12 songs and I’m already flagging… but it’s starting and I can’t think about it now.

Their entrance music is… “Sandstorm” and I’m dying. I’m ready to rave. But the music stops abruptly. Starts again. But the moment is gone. Oh well. They tried.

Christine is wearing white platform go go boots, short skirt, fishnets, midi top. Nicolette has an equally short skirt, neckerchief too, but there’s nothing Scooby Doo about hers. I don’t know where to look. I don’t know what I’m supposed to think. They look amazing. Someone on TikTok later declares, “Their fits!!!” Fits… ‘fits… outfits? That has to be it. Woman have been weaponizing their sexuality since woman were admitted to the boys club that is rock music. Courtney Love’s ripped baby doll dresses and bruised innocence, L7 and… throwing… stuff… on stage, performing in bikinis, performing in too little, too much. Anything open for interpretation and therefore derision or scorn. But sexualizing is not cool anymore. I don’t know what kind of commentary I am allowed on this subject, but I am left echoing the same cry, “their fits!!” Their oufits, they are “fit”, they are there and raw and breathtakingly sexual and powerful. You don’t stare at the sun either, but you’ve done it. You’ve dared.

I also have a revelation. Role models. These people are amazing, iconic. I take a moment to bless the proliferation of media I’ve cursed in past. If I had access to these kinds of strong female role models as a teen, my life would have been completely different. I wouldn’t have let my mother’s flat declaration, “You aren’t good at music. PICK SOMETHING ELSE.” Turn me from my fated course.

It makes me happy that social media is exposing young people to bands like the ones on this bill. There’s hope for the future.

They open with “Swallow,” one of the songs on my revised Ketamine playlist. There’s a bit of treated vocal that is the absolutely definition of why music is good. Music should give you that thrill like sticking your head out of the window of a moving car. That drop in your stomach. Momentary breathlessness.

Can’t put my finger on it Don’t know what makes it so appealing I’m not begging for your affection I’m just addicted to the feeling…

Two songs in. Time for the third. How many people here were around for our first album – Music to Practice Safe Sex to? ME!! MEEEEeeeeeEEEE…. I scream. You can hear it on the video. I should be embarrassed. I’m too old to be reacting like this. But I got such a late start…

The music doesn’t know the social constructs of age or sex… it just knows what feels good.

The “Safe Sex” portion of the show is two songs long. This makes me sad. You never forget the album you came in on. It’s a much more forlorn sounding album though. I know from Salim that the forlorn ones don’t get people dancing. But “Patterns,” ah… I would have lost my mind for “Patterns.”

And I spent one too many nights banging my head against the wall to hear another voice telling me that I’m doing something wrong So excommunicate me You’re no better than the fucked up doctrine that sent me running to your doorstep in the first place

Fucked up doctrine. My youth is fucked up doctrine. My memories are tainted by it. I still wonder how they can wield so much word power at such a young age, but then again these struggles are as old as the generations. As long as their have been the elder and the younger, the subjugator and the subjugated, rulers, oppressed, one group will chafe against the other. It hurts the heart, grinds down the soul… but it makes the music amazing.

We make art, music, poetry, to feel hope.

I make it almost to the end… almost… Talk Too Much: Christine does the young Bono thing and goes out in to the crowd. Several times a mini mosh pit has broken out right where she is. At some point, someone flicks beer on us… at least I hope it was beer. Ugh. I am done. The anesthetized feeling starts in my finger tips.

I am going to pass out.

I mouth to Doug, “I have to go. NOW.” I head for the stool previously occupied by the imposing young doorman. I lay my head on the counter for a second. I wait to be booted off. I’ve been doing this for years. I’ve passed out, tried to pass out, and all stages in between for years, in myriad venues in cities all across the US. I like to be in the front. My constitution takes issue with this. But I do it anyway.

I try to gesture to Doug: thumb at my lips, fingers curved around an invisible cup. Drink. Please I need water. But there are too many people.

Next best thing: air. I lurch out the door and land on the pavement beside the door. The Kids are launching in to an encore. I can’t heard what it is. Doug is on his phone summoning the Uber. Imposing Young Doorman Man appears… with a cup of ice water in his hand. THANK YOU, DEAR BLESSING, SIR! You have no idea how many people normally just go, ‘YOU — you can’t sit there!’ (Hi, La Zona Rosa in Austin… the scuzzy incarnation not the gentrified one) even though I’m pretty sure if you kick me out of your establishment while swooning and I faceplant on the cement, I could sue you. Or something.

People aren’t normally friendly about it because they assume I drank too much… when it’s the opposite: I didn’t drink at all.

The Uber appears and we are whiskered away. I still couldn’t hear what the encore was. But I’m not sad. I got most of it and it was AMAZING. Nicolette saw me so I exist. Mission accomplished.

We are back in the hotel. Doug orders Denny’s Doordash. The thing about prolonged exposure to sonic assault is: nausea. Nothing sounds good. Until Doug says… macaroni and cheese. And I know EXACLTY what kind Denny’s has because I’ve noticed it on the menu before. It doesn’t lie. It doesn’t pretend to be something else. It is real: really Kraft boxed mac… and at that moment it sounds like the AMBROSIA of the GODS.

Which is exactly what it tastes like.

I am replenished. The gods of rock are appeased for another night …

[jacks-manidiary]

Have been keeping my& smaller updates to Discord servers, but since I& don't have any bigger updates I& think I& look like I&'m just inactive. Which I&'m not! Prime, it's surprising that this blog actually lasted so long.

So, how I& spent November 16th, huh? Started it out with realizing I& don't actually feel anything about it at all but celebrating anyway. I& had to go somewhere that day and these days, well, it's not that I& don't leave the house at all but I& do only leave it once a week these days. Yeah. But at least it's different from isolation bc I& got family folks around. Maybe too around. But yeah, going outside, the only time of the week that I& change into my& canon clothes out of the pjs. It's always nice. I& should do that more but the weather is horrible.

The place where I& had to go had a field nearby, and I& ended up waiting at the bus station in complete darkness for an hour or so, fun, but I& got to wander a tiny bit out in the field and had the realization that this was where I& was supposed to be. A field at night, running away from mobs chasing me& because nobody on this prime damn server sleeps. Good times, miss those. When I& come back to Ukraine I&'m most definitely frolicking in a field the moment I& can. There's not a field for miles here in Germany, unless I& take a bus to bumfuck nowhere outskirts, but in Ukraine there's fields everywhere. Just don't know if I&'ll be allowed to frolick at night.

It was also cold yesterday. And I& had to stand there for many hours and knew exactly just how cold it was. I& do have a lot of things to associate cold with, temperatures in general are A Thing for me&. Miss Snowchester. The rest of the DSMP in my& memories feels cold too but that may be warped perception because of the current weather. Also, surprisingly the cold actually helped me& feel my& tail better because I& felt like it was appropriate that it would be numb from the freezing. Maybe I&'ll make a tailwarmer one day! Not that I& need one, but it would be nice.

Lastly, had a lot of thoughts on music. Thanks to having to wait for hours, I& just put on some rave and dnb playlists I& had saved recently, and those just ended up making me& feel... detached from my& identity? Obviously, the boredom of just standing there while dying from the cold was probably a far more contributing factor, but I& felt like different music would not do this to me&. Of course, I& listened until the end of those playlists anyway because the music was really good, but it kinda felt dangerous. Made me& feel numb and maybe even interested in the idea of walking into the oncoming traffic, imagining cars pass through me&. It was weird, not the kinda thoughts I&'m usually having.

Music made me& realize that my& other life, while isn't really innacurate to call a past life considering it's behind me& now, actually happened sometime from 2020 to 2023. I& think. May have ended in 2022. These years all feel like a blur anyway. But yeah, lots of the songs I& liked back on DSMP were ones that... DEFINITELY came out after my& birth year for this body. I& don't know how, but I& reincarnated into this world after my& death in the other. And I&... chose this past life, too? I& can figure out how this works psychologically, but spiritually I& am a little bit stumped. Am I& actually a soulbond? Because I& am definitely not separate from Luigra. Did I& merge? What happened there?

All those thoughts in a day's worth of boredom. I& have more thoughts from both before and after Nov 16th.

[aurorawest]

Reading update

Based on the cover, I was originally pretty skeptical of this book, but then I read all of Roan Parrish's other books and now she's one of my favorite authors. This is one of her earlier books (maybe her first? not sure) but it's really good. It's got my favorite things—complicated relationship with father and brothers + traumatized young man who doesn't know how to love himself. Also gay sex. Genuinely though, I really loved Daniel's and Rex's love story.

Now this one surprised me. This was an Illumicrate book which I fully expected to not enjoy, because the summary didn't sound very interesting. But it was GREAT. Listen, my opinion that will get me canceled is that I typically don't read books with female protagonists anymore, because they're so often written horribly. This book has wonderfully written women. The world is really unique and cool, and it was just generally an interesting take on the When is a monster not a monster? Oh, when you love it trope.

I read Young Mungo (Douglas Stuart's second novel) last year and loved it, so I snatched this book up when I found it used in my local bookstore. It was pretty much exactly what I expected: sad but lovely. I enjoyed Young Mungo more, but that's because I enjoy romance more than mother-son relationships. It's not a knock on this book at all, which is a devastating portrayal of a child trying to parent his alcoholic mother. Anyway yeah, read it. And read Young Mungo, too.

This was such a fun read! It doesn't break any new ground and it's completely predictable, but that's fine, it's an adorable YA romcom, and the point is to see the end coming from a mile away. I laughed out loud quite a few times as I was reading, and I was definitely rooting for Micah and Elliot. I also am always a sucker for stories that have an evils-of-fame storyline.

So this is a series that I used to love. It's very All Creatures Great and Small, only it's with human doctors and it takes place in Northern Ireland in the 1960s. I don't know if it's that my tastes have changed or if the series just isn't as good anymore, but I really didn't enjoy this book. At all. Patrick Taylor is...not actually a very good writer? Like he's constantly clumsily info-dumping and it drove me crazy in this book. The others must have been the same way but I probably overlooked it because I enjoyed them more.

The sequel to In the Middle of Somewhere, which follows Daniel's older brother Colin. Which was a brave fucking move on Parrish's part, because in In the Middle of Somewhere, Colin is a horrible asshole to Daniel. He's cruelly picked on Daniel ever since Daniel was a young teen, and without going into a lot of details, it was all pretty homophobic (to the point of a physical altercation). He's just a dick, basically.

Anyway, I guess I can't really talk about this one without spoiling the first one, but as it turns out, Colin is gay, has known it for many years, knew it when Daniel came out to him, and was still a dick for all that time. He is very very closeted and wants to please his father EVEN MORE than Daniel does in the first book. I actually like this one even more than the first book, because Parrish takes this character who is nasty and awful and turns the whole thing around. It's really a master class in unreliable narration (CS Pacat might be the only other author I can think of who pulls it off this well). Colin's and Rafael's love story is really beautiful, too.

Ginn Hale! Gay demons! Fantasy noir! Blood! Hurt/comfort! What's there not to like!

This is actually two novellas in one book. The first novella is from Belimai's (the demon's) POV, and is a mystery. The second is a sequel from Harper's (the detective's) POV and deals with the fallout from the first novella. I absolutely loved both but that's not saying anything because I love everything Ginn Hale writes.

This book was weird as hell but really good. The basic plot is, two young men help a goddess escape captivity, but that just like...does not do it justice. The beauty of this book is in its prose and its weirdness. And its slow burn romance. Highly recommended, but it's not light reading. Also isn't that cover gorgeous? I spent a lot of time just staring at it.

Like the cover says, the prequel to They Both Die at the End. It's not as good. And there was some really forced plot stuff that made me roll my eyes. Still a decent read, especially if you liked the first one.

I'm currently reading this one! I'm already loving how it's building on the events of the second book, and appreciated the wonderfully gory opening, haha.

[chaibaguette]

ty @alicedyerappreciator for tagging me! I am relearning how to use tumblr so sorry if this is not how one does this-

relationship status: single and vibing :))

favorite color: magenta maybe if we're only talking single colors? I mostly like colors in context- I fricking love the color of moss but also moss isn't one color-

song stuck in your head: uhh- my brain is not screeching any songs right now luckily- earlier I think it might have been Wish You Were Sober by Conan Gray? Unsure, I forget-

favorite food: I enjoy baguettes a lot, also I greatly enjoy making udon so probably that too atm :)

last song I listened to: Wild Roses by Of Monsters and Men

dream trip: Probably just wander in the woods for a bit- I don't really mind where, but just going on a little solo trip into the middle of nowhere to enjoy nature- alternatively I haven't been back to Belgium in a while and would like to see my family there so maybe Nieuwpoort or Kortrijk? Idk- Or just a nice trip with friends- idk-

last show/movie: uhh- I don't really watch much so I'll do book instead. I am still reading Good Omens (I know it's been 7 months since I started but I have no time okay), but this morning I was reading Roadside Geology of Pennsylvania which is actually a super interesting book- I started it a while ago for fun, and it lists where all the cool stuff is along the highways with the mile markers and its so cool :))) There's so many fun little details and it's great-

sweet, savory, or spicy: depends on the context. For everyday things savory, when I want comfort usually more sweet, but if I'm very stressed then very sour- which I know wasnt an option but I usually only consume spicy foods when I do savory-

last thing I looked up: "gerenuk scientific name" idk, I look up weird things okay-

And some people that I feel like tagging because they're cool--

@squashyduck1234 @dedw00 @freerangecate @smallcrepe

I might also mention I don't know how to tag so I hope I did that right- ignore this if you want but yeah :)

Tagged by @mj-iza-writer , thanks!

Rules: Tag 10 or more people you want to get to know better.

Relationship status: Single. Happily so, but still open to the thought of mingling 👀

Favorite color: Any blue or cool toned purple

Song stuck in head: Slow dancing in the dark, by Joji

Favorite food: Pad Thai

Last song listened to: What's good, by Tyler, the Creator

Dream trip: Going to Costa Rica this summer, so I'll just say that :D

Last show/movie: Terrifier 2 (love Art. he's my babyboy <3)

Spicy, sweet, or savory?: Probably spicy, but sweet is a very close second

Last thing googled: Are mason jars microwave safe (they are!)

Imma just tag some random blogs I follow <3

@sickiehugs @dainluvr @roblingoblin285 @sunnynwanda @saraswritingtipps @shibara @whumblr @wh3nturtlesfly @oprhan @dappermouth

Of course, no obligation and no pressure :]

[quarthly]

Twilight characters as random animals that I think are oddly fitting

(Also yes, I am roasting the animals as well)

Edward: He would be a Cheetah. Now I know, seems like a cop out just because of his speed but hear me out. Cheetahs are, at face value, pretty cool. They used to be my favorite animal as a child, but then I grew up.

Cheetahs, through no fault of their own, are severely inbred. Now thats mainly because of poaching, but the cheetas anxiety also comes into play. In captivity, cheetahs are usually given emotional support dogs. I will admit it is cute but it negatively affects the population. Excluding one in the wild, cheetas can be to anxious to breed and thats not good for conservation efforts.

Cheetahs can hit up to 80 miles per hour in a couple of seconds. They are designed for fast running and agility. Their claws are similar to that of a dogs for better traction and they have elongated spines for longer strides. They have a thin build, long legs and a long tail for balance.

This has downsides though. Many times after making a kill, it will get stolen for them by larger predators. Thats right, they get absolutely bodied by the other animals. I should probably make these shorter but I'm on a rant now, so I guess this will be semi educational.

Throughout the series, we see Edward over estimated his abilities and value, constantly getting bodied by others. He's essentially a perfect mormon, though thats on S'meyers. He constantly judges others, dehumanizing them to their baser flaws, without doing any self reflecting. Him viewing himself as a monster doesn't really count to me. While he definitely hates himself, the only thing he is truly demonizing is being a vampire.

Bella: Picking up from Edwards, Bella is a Chocolate Labrador. Yes, she is his therapy dog. I feel like this is really fitting for her. I know Golden retriever would make more sense, as thats the most common breed for service animals. However, I kind of focused on her appearance. Only at first though! I just know that Edward raved about her human qualities and that would pass over as animals as well. Her chocolate eyes and brown fur, very average and boring. Thats essentially Bella. Even Edward wasn't into her until he got a wiff. Labradors a very loyal dogs and while they have more personality than Bella, I just couldn't shake it. Their also very stupid. Ok that's kind of mean, they're not stupid but when it comes to love, then yeah they are stupid.

I used to have a lab, loved him to death, but god he was something else. Very much danger prone, from their own stupidity or their lack of survival instincts. I know that labs are almost aquatic. They love water, swimming, all that jazz. We can just say that bella has a few screws loose in her dna and is just "not like other labs."

Rosalie: Now she was hard. There are quite a few animals that I think would fit for her. I'll list the other ones, but that one I went with is the Swan. Like Edward, seems a little on the nose, but I have my reasoning.

I was going to pick a predator for her, as she is shown to be very vengeful and viscous. I would have pick some type of cat, most likely a purebred, from a rich family. It could still work, but the swan just speaks to me on this one.

Swan's are known for being beautiful, graceful, and are pictured as the symbol of love. They are also very vain. Edward constantly brings up Rosalies vanity. She was constantly valued for her beauty as a human, so of course that crossed over in the transformation. She was raised to be married into wealth, she was used as a bargaining chip to increase the family's standing.

Rose has a very strong character and makes her opinions known. She's assertive and aggressive at times. She's not afraid to get dirty.

Swans mate for life and like geese, are known for being great parents. I was also going to choose geese as an option for the maternal instincts. I was wary at first because swans can be really aggressive. Like actually, you think geece are bad? Yikes bestie...

I was conflicted because swans are known for drowning dogs and sometimes people. However, I can actually see Rose drowning Bella. It's not that unbelievable lmao.

Emmett: Now this one is just ironic. I only associate him with bears. Its inevitable, but picking a Grizzly or Black bear is too obvious. So I went a slightly different route...

So I was going to pick the Sun bear just because of looks alone. Like, I'm not exaggerating, it looks like someone wearing a bear costume. I don't think it fits him but I know for a fact that he would dress up as a sun bear and sneak into a zoo to see if anyone would notice. I'll put a pic of it here

Like look at this thing. I have no words...

Anyway, what I picked was a Sloth Bear. Now Sloth bears are mostly nocturnal, which either way works consider vamps don't sleep. Their diet is also odd but honestly so is the cullens. They're native to the Indian subcontinent, and are known for being aggressive towards humans. Its said that for the most part they're pretty calm, so I think its just fear of humans that make them act aggressively. Honestly, that's a good thing because they are listed as vulnerable on the IUCN Red list.

They have some similarities with sloths, which is where they get the name. They have long claws and unusual teeth. They are known to hang upside down from tree branches, and is described as having a messy appearance. Honestly, Emmitt has a messy personality. Sorry bestie but you're a lot of work.

Now heres the biggest reason for choosing this bear. Aside from Baloo from the jungle book being a sloth bear, they are known to run fades with Tigers. Honestly, how fucking badass is that!? Now I don't think there are recorded instances of a Sloth bear killing a Tiger, but when push comes to shove, they can hold their own and I find that incredibly impressive.

Carlisle: This one was somehow the easiest as well as the toughest. I know Owl seems like the obvious choice, and I can see it. However, I believe Carlisle values emotional intelligence as much or if not more than academic intelligence. He is so charismatic and values other's above himself. He might not be as Saint like as Edward thinks, but he does try and I think he genuinely cares about others. For that reason alone, I choose a Elephant.

Elephant's are very social animals and are extremely intelligent. I could rave about them for ages, I love them so much.

Now elephants live in a familial unit and are usually matriarchal. Bulls usually are on the outer edges of the herd or form little groups with other males. Honestly, they're not that bad aside from when their in musk.

In the group of males, the elder ones will teach the younger where to get the best food, water, how to use things as tools, and every other thing that will increase their odds of survival. This is really cute to me tbh, they do this because the females usually choose the older males because they've proved that they are intelligent and strong, that they have survived and will continue to for awhile. Teaching the younger males these things are to make the odds of them getting chosen to mate more likely. The whole unit just reminds me of a father that has to deal with rowdy teens.

Carlisle likes to take in strays, he might not have a herd but he will make one and teach them to thrive. That's how he envisions it anyway. He just has a found family and is trying his best.

Esme: Now this might seem like an insult, but I promise it's not! This is in no way misogynistic. I love cattle and ever since I took animal science in highschool, I have appreciated these grass puppies like they deserve. Call me Castro because I love cows.

Yup! I chose a Cow for her. Specifically a beef cow. That might sound weird but its because beef cows have higher maternal instinct than dairy cows. I'm thinking Scottish Highland based on vibes alone.

They are nicknamed the Gentle Giants of Scotland. Super maternal and sweet and ugh look how cute they are!

Esme came from a abusive marriage and had just lost her child, she was depressed and desperate. Her changing was, in a way, salvation. She just fits in. She adopts all these strays along with him and will protect them to the death. She might be gentle by nature, but don't fuck with her family. She lost her first one and she isn't going to lose this one.

Alice: She's an odd one. There are so many possibilities and maybe I'm biased, but I feel like she would be a Crow.

Ok listen, I'm definitely biased but it just feels right. Crows get a bad rap, they are so cool! They are so intelligent and have the ability to actually sit and think about the past, prest, and future. I forget what its called, but this was only seem in humans! Maybe other apes, I can't remember exactly, but either way its awesome. They do live in groups, or murders, and remember people and faces. They remember locations and are able to pass down information through generations. They essentially have their own language! They are able to use tools too!

Alice's story is really sad. When we first meets her, it revolves around the death of her mother and her institutionalized. She was essentially tortured and forgot everything from her past. All she had was the future and even that wasn't constant. Crows a often viewed as omens, they are associated with death. I personally believe that instead of being the cause, they just know something is going to happen. They are very inquisitive and can be creative.

If you befriend a murder of crows, sometimes, depends or the group, they will bring gifts. Its can range from food to shiny metals and colorful plastic. Hell, I think I've seen a post of one stealing things from people just to gift it to their human.

Alice's love language is gifts. Even if they are focused around fashion, she still goes out of her way to get something that will look good and at least be a little comfortable. By that I mean she tends to forget peoples comfort zones, but she means well.

Jasper: Honestly not to sure what to put for him. I know a predator would be more fitting, but for some reason I can see a donkey working. I know, seems like I'm clowning on the confederate. Fair, but I'm serious about the donkey thing. Honestly, it would be perfect if it wasn't a herbivore. Porcupine would also work.

Being a predator would make more sense. Given his backstory and his characterization, it wouldn't make sense for him to be a prey animal. Usually I wouldn't count this, but given his gore filled past and trouble with the diet, it seemed fitting.

I see him as a Big Cat. Honestly, vamps in general just give cat vibes. Jasper though especially have some cat like qualities, which originates from hunting and being a soldier.

I specifically see him as a Mountain Lion. Aside from him being blonde, he just has the predatory stealth to him. In midnight sun, we see him use his gift to make the nomads overlook him. He's honestly really powerful.

Mountain lions are known for being stealthy with an air of grace and power to them. They are stong animals. And I mean strong. They can jump 40-45 feet.

They're very elusive and quite. They stalk their prey and tend to attack from behind but don't think they won't hold their ground if need be.

Jasper was changed during the Civil War and forced to fight in the Newborn wars. He was a soldier as a human and as a vampire. He's able to feel and manipulate others emotions. He's covered in scars and is very intimidating.

He still struggles with the diet and honestly I hate how the others handle it. Like they have no room to talk. I don't want to defend the confederate but it just pisses me off. He has to deal with his hunger on top of everyone else's. Like damn, besties always on edge! Everyone doubts him which I don't think helps any.

Also, Mountain lions and Cheetahs can purr!

@aquanova99 I'll do a Volturi one too. That one will be fun lmao

[boldlyvoid]

Amoreena | Chapter sixteen

Chapter Sixteen

main summary: Heaven is a real place and it's located exactly 14.6 miles away from the FBI, Quantico Headquarters. Off behind a small park, under a fantastical willow tree surrounded by wildflowers, in every colour young minds can imagine.

Don't forget, heaven also comes with angels.

Chapter Summary/Warnings: Amoreena meets Jo, Jo shares her experience with the foster homes (tw self-harm and child abuse), and Spencer shares his shitty childhood with her. They bond, he loves her more than he thought possible, his dreams of a big happy family are coming true.

word count: 4.8k

from the beginning <3

His phone is ringing at 7:50 and all he does is groan, forgetting Y/N’s agreement with Amoreena. His wife reached over his face and towards the phone, picking up with an overly cheerful tone for a pregnant woman who was up until 3 am.

“Hello sweet girl, how was your sleep?”

“Ugh,” she makes a weird face as the morning nausea kicks in and she tries to swallow it down. “Yeah? Oh, I’m so glad, dad and I are just waking up. We have another big surprise for you today… I know honey there’s always a lot going on, but this one is a good one I promise!”

“Can I go talk to her?” Spencer asks, “alone?”

“Dad’s going to come and see you while mommy has a shower, okay? I love you too, bye,” she smiles as she hangs up and passes the phone back to him.

They kiss quickly before separating, Spencer throws on the same clothes from the beach last night before heading down the hall towards Amoreena’s room. He knocks quietly before entering, seeing her sitting in a queen bed with 2 cats.

“Taylor let Olivia and Benjamin stay in here last night, she said they usually sleep in here anyway!” She was whispering, but it was still loud for her this early.

He sat on the edge of her bed and gave her a big hug, “how was your night?”

“Really amazing, Dad, Taylor is my best friend now,” she’s completely serious, “I hope mom’s not too upset about that, I guess we could share her…”

“That’s a nice thought, are you good at sharing?”

“I think so,” she nods with a serious face.

“Good, because there’s a new person who’s coming to live with us. She’s going to be kind of sad for a while and I’ll be spending a lot of time with her too,” he watches her face as she listens, confused but fine with it.

“Who is she?”

“Did your mom tell you how she made you?”

She nods, “she said sometimes people with penises donate sperm to help people have babies, and you were the one who donated for me,” she gives him a run down so seriously that it makes him laugh like the 7-year-old.

“Yeah, exactly, well I also helped 2 other families make babies,” he says softly, petting her hair as she understands what that means.

“So I have more siblings?”

“Yep, 2 sisters and a brother,” he smiles as she starts to bounce with excitement. “Josephine is 12, almost 13, and she’s coming to live with us.”

“Where is her mom?” She asks, he knew she would.

“Her mom and dad were in an accident, they died and she looked for me because she didn’t want to be alone anymore,” he knows it’s a hard topic, and that she understands death after losing her gg, but it’s still hard.

“Oh, that’s sad,” she frowns, moving in to hug him again, she keeps her head pressed to his shoulder. “I hope she’s okay, is she here now too?”

“She is, but I’m not sure if she’s awake yet, she’s a teenager and they sometimes sleep in longer than you would, like when Henry was over and slept until noon,” he has all his kids profiled in his minds and it’s actually more helpful than a hindrance.

“Does she like Taylor?”

He knew that one was coming too, “she’s a huge fan, she cried meeting her just like mom.”

“Is she going to call my mom her mom now?”

“I don’t think so, would that upset you?” He’s worried for the answer, he had the same jealous tendencies growing up. Hell, he still has them.

“No, she needs a mom, I would be very sad without mine, I know she needs one too,” she looked at him like it was a stupid question because of course, all kids need a mom and her mom happened to be the best.

“That’s really nice of you, she knows all about you and she’s really excited to move in with us, maybe you can help her decorate her room?” He isn’t sure what Jo will think, but he knows it would be good for bonding.

“Can we see if she’s awake? Wait, she’s a she right? Miss Kennedy said sometimes people look like girls but they don’t like to feel like girls, so we use they,” Amoreena was so worried about being a good sister he didn’t know why he worried so much.

“Well, I’m not sure, Jo hasn’t told me but you can ask?”

She shot right out of bed, still in her dress from last night as she ran to the door, “come on, what room is it?”

“Right there, knock nicely,” he says as he joins her in the hall, pointing to the room across from her.

She knocked 3 times, hearing a small ‘yeah?’ From the other side before opening it, “good morning!” Amoreena cheered.

“Amoreena!” Jo smiled as she got out of bed and ran over to her. She dropped to her knees so they’d be the same height and wrapped her up in her arms.

They hugged like this was a reunion and not an introduction, they held on to one another so tightly they both squeezed their eyes shut and held their breath. He knew that kind of hug, that was a hug you gave when you deeply loved the person you were hugging.

It made him want to cry, again.

Jo pulled back from her and Amoreena immediately held her face in her hands, observing her. “Yep, you’re my sister,” she smiled as she saw her nose.

That same perfect little button that was slightly angled towards the sky, she booped it lightly. Jo booped her right back.

“I am, it’s pretty cool getting to share a dad with you cause now I get to meet Taylor Swift, how the heck did we get so lucky?” Jo talks to her like she’s used to being around kids, finding the wonder in every word and saying the whole sentence with enthusiasm.

She turns to him, both his girls making the same face as they looked at him in the doorway, “how did you meet Taylor, dad?”

“You remember Uncle Dave? He came over for the barbecue and talked to poppy bob about winemaking all night?”

“Yeah, he’s Italian,” Amoreena remembered his funny accent and how she called him Mario.

“His daughter is Taylor’s friend, so Taylor sent me an email asking to meet you,” he couldn’t help but smile as she did.

“So you guys really are knights at the FBI, huh?”

“Yeah, but my armour got too rusty so now I’m going to guard the princess only, no more battles for me,” he was happy to make it magical, to turn the terribleness of it all into something she could be proud of.

He feels cold hands reaching under the back of his shirt then as he jumps, Y/N is wrapping her arms around him and pressing her cheek to his back, “your armour is fine, it just needs some polish.”

“They’re kinda gross, you’ll have to get used to that,” Amoreena says, pressing her lips together awkwardly as she looks at Jo.

“It’s nice though, it makes you feel like love is real,” Jo smiled back, “not many kids have happy families.”

“You do now, okay?” Amoreena took her cheeks in her hands again, something she must have learned from Y/N. “My family is your family and we are the best family, you’re going to have so much fun with us, can I help you decorate your room?”

Jo cried, laughing lightly as she nodded, “that would be cool, maybe we can get bunk beds for random sleepovers?”

Amoreena shot her eyes to her mom, “can we?”

“That would be cool,” Y/N agreed, “we’ll go to Ikea on Friday when I’m not working, okay?”

“And this weekend we can buy some paint for your room?” Spencer added, “you guys can plan all week together.”

“Yes!” Amoreena cheered, hugging Jo again.

Jo held her gently, resting her cheek against the top of Amoreena’s head with a small smile. She looked genuinely happy, peaceful like she belonged somewhere again.

Right then Amoreena’s eyes are darting right to him, “It’s fathers day!” She screams, way too loud for 8 am in someone else’s home. Thank god Taylor was on the other side of the mansion.

“Oh my god,” Amoreena smacked her forehead with her little hand, “I was so carried away with the wedding I didn’t pack your present, dad! I’m so sorry.”

“I’ve got you covered little miss,” Y/N smiled at her, “It’s in my purse!”

Amoreena pushed past them in the doorway and ran to their room in search of said purse. Probably emptying it out on the bed and making a huge mess, but it was fine.

Y/N took a moment to kiss his cheek, “good morning, happy father’s day.”

“Thank you,” he blushed, turning to face her and hold her close, “I can feel you staring Jo, come here.”

She comes skipping right over, wrapping her arms around them both and resting her head on Spencer’s side. For a 12-year-old she was tall, a lot taller than Henry was, that’s for sure.

“Hey!” Amoreena butts in, “let me in,” she pushed into the middle of the hug to steal all the warmth, “happy father’s day, dad.”

“Happy father’s day,” Jo added with a soft smile, “thank you for everything.”

“Yeah, you’re the best dad in the world, Jo you should see how he reads with his mind, he doesn’t even need to look at the books at bedtime,” Amoreena bragged, pulling back from all of them then.

Spencer wiped the tears from his face and pretended he wasn’t crying, overwhelmed by love just like he told Jo to expect. “I love you guys, I’m so glad I helped make you both, you’re the best kids a dad could ask for.”

“Here,” Amoreena hands him a wrapped present.

It’s a handmade book, blue construction paper bound with green ribbon in little loops and covered in a thin layer of tissue paper from the present he got her last week. He carefully removes the tissue and hands it back to her, “do you still want it for dresses?”

“Sure,” she takes it with a smile, “I wrote this for you after a dream I had, Miss Kennedy helped me write it all and reword it a bit. But it’s all from my brain.”

“Spencer’s little women,” he reads and then his heartbeat almost stops when he sees the bottom, “by Amoreena Reid.”

“We can go sit in the living room while you read it to us?” Y/N offered, taking the girl's hands and leading them all down the hallway.

Taylor’s house was full of floor-to-ceiling windows, allowing them to watch the sunrise over the ocean as they cuddled up on the couch as a family. Him and his little women.

“Once upon a time, there was a kingdom ruled by a beautiful princess who had a broken heart. She promised to hide away from the townspeople until she gathered all the pieces again,” Spencer read the first sentence and knew he wouldn’t be able to make it through the whole book.

“You know, I think it would be better if you read this to me Amoreena,” he asks her gently, “I want to know it from your voice first.”

“Okay,” she bounces up from where she cuddled into her mother to take the book from his hand, sitting straight as she got ready to read.

“Slowly, but surely, the pieces came back to her one by one as the people felt the need to search for her, they missed seeing her smile as she ruled alongside her parents, the king and queen until her heart was fixed.

A little girl, Lady Amoreena, arrived like a gift. A fairy godmother handing a small child to the princess to raise and love forever and ever, they were best friends more than anything.

But the princess’s baby girl made it her mission to fix the rest of her heart as she grew up seeing her mom frown, questing for princes and kings, even another princess to come and fill that last missing spot of her heart. To make their family love grew as the cracks from where they separated were healed.

She set off on her daily adventure, running off past the gates on the way to the willow tree, excited to see what wonders the pond of youth brought to her this time. Surprised to find a knight, his broken and rusty armour fallen on the ground, he was wrapped in weeds, he had been trapped for too long to remember.

Amoreena cut the vines off him with her sword, “you’re free now, sir knight.”

“How can I ever repay you?” The kind man with the same nose as her asked.

“Meet the princess, tell her about your battles, make her laugh and you can stay with us,” she gives him one final quest. His last ever duty.

The princess smiles as soon as they meet. He wins her over without even trying, he completes their family and makes all the cracks in her heart fuse back together. Gold light shines from her as she’s healed, completed by the love of a family she never knew she needed.

The love didn’t end there… the knight and the princess knew lady Amoreena would be like her mom when she grew up. The possibility of a sad and broken heart as she got older, so they made her 8 more siblings, her group of sisters to keep her company during the happily ever after part.

“Sir Spencer, where are all your little women?” The king of the land asked, seeing the knight and the princess all alone on the path, old and slow as they walked.

“Down by the pond, it’s story day!”

He knew that’s where they’d always be, at their pond with a book, braiding each other's hair, weaving flower crowns and chasing each other through the wildflowers that replaced the vines that once held him down.

Free, healed and happy. Spencer and his little women healed the princess, allowing her to take the role as Queen, like her grandma always wanted for her.”

“There isn’t a 'the end'?” Y/N’s voice questions lightly as Spencer cries too hard to even respond.

She was the most amazing child in the whole world and he didn’t know what he did to deserve her. He wrapped her up in his arms and held her so tight she was smacking his arm to let her go with a laugh, “I want to add more to it when I’m older, like GG’s book.”

“You can write one for all your sisters,” Y/N smiles at her softly, “you know, gg only wrote Amoreena because you came to her in a dream?”

She nodded, “that’s why I started writing this book for dad because I had a dream about him reading to all of us, he was so old it was funny.”

“How old?” He asks, remembering his reflection from his own dream.

“Like poppy, you had a white beard!”

“What did we talk about?” He doesn’t know why he wants to know so badly but he’s desperate to know if their dream was the same.

“It was story day, you and mom were late, but you said, ‘I’d never miss a Saturday with my little women,’” she smiles, “I’m so glad you’re my dad.”

She holds him back just as tight this time, snuggling into his chest as he breathes her in. His first little baby, even if she was the middle kid now, she was his baby, he couldn’t even imagine holding someone even smaller than her soon.

—

They take a quick trip to target in the morning, needing to get some things for Jo and Y/N really, really wanted chocolate-covered cranberries, making sure he knew that she would kill him if he didn’t bring them back to her. Finally having those pregnancy mood swings he was expecting.

Jo is quick to pick out some summer clothes and a bathing suit for the day as well as toiletries and anything else she wanted because Spencer said so. He was going to spoil her because he didn’t know what else to do. This is what he wanted from his dad, someone to see something, think of him and just get it to make him smile.

She saw some purple bedding that she liked, so it ended up in the cart. And then she needed some new pillow, and some fitted sheets… oh and those curtains are nice… and before they knew it they had $300 worth of things for her bedroom in the back of Y/N’s car.

Jo pressed her lips together awkwardly as they sat in the front seats of the car, he looked over at her and smiled, making her laugh, “this is the best father’s day.”

“I’m supposed to be getting you gifts today!”

“You are a gift, Jo,” he doesn’t mean to get sappy, but he can’t help the love he feels for her already.

“Drive before I cry, dude,” she turns to look out the window. “Are we going to have a 'ground rules and behaviour' speech like all the foster parents do? I have a feeling you have no idea what you’re doing.”

He starts the car then, pulling out of the lot and starting the 40-minute car ride back with her, “how do they normally set the rules in the foster homes?”

“They pay for my phone bill with the money provided for me each month and they sometimes get me the groceries I want for lunches and stuff but they mostly kept the money for themselves. I’m only allowed on the internet for an hour a day, homework has to be done in front of their eyes at the kitchen table, no food after 7 pm, lights off and no walking around by 9,” she gave the rundown and it made Spencer’s stomach turn.

“I will pay for your phone bill, you don't need to worry about that. We can even get you a new one when we get home. Y/N has great internet and every streaming service available, you don’t have a time limit here. Just promise me you’ll go outside sometimes?” He reaches a hand out to hold her’s while driving, letting her know he means what is coming next.

“I trust you have a way of life you’re used to, and I’m not going to change that on you, if you want to share things with me and be open and honest, I’m always here and I will never judge you. I don’t want you to ever feel like you need to hide things from me. And that being said, I trust you enough to use the internet safely, and not hack anything without good reason anymore?”

Derek was right, it’s surprisingly easy to be a dad. All you have to do is love them and be there for them.

“Okay, then I think you should know,” she takes a deep breath and a pause. “I’m pretty sure I like girls too, I never got to tell my mom that but I’m sure she knew, and I’m kind of scared to put my bathing suit on when I get home.”

“First of all, I’m proud of you,” he squeezes her hand 3 times, and she does it right back with a smile. “Secondly, why? Did you not get one you liked? I was fine buying any of them for you.”

“I have a lot of scars on my legs, and I don’t want to scare Amoreena,” she’s really ashamed of herself and Spencer understands it.

He rolls his sleeve up and extends his arm for her to see his very faded track marks, “I was drugged on a case once, I had an addiction after. The scars fade over time, but I also haven’t shown Amoreena my bare arms yet.”

“Mine are pretty faded now too, it’s been a few months, they look more like stretch marks,” she smiled at his honesty, feeling safer with him.

“If she asks, you can say it was from a cat at the foster home. She’ll think about Cinderella and the evil stepmother's cat, and then completely forget why she asked,” he assures her, knowing Amoreena like the back of his hand now.

“Lucifer,” Jo smiles, “I was like her as a kid too, always making up stories and finding new movies to be obsessed with. I have ADHD, by the way, but I’m un-medicated cause my last foster home didn’t listen to the school’s diagnosis,” she says it like it’s not a big deal.

His blood starts to boil at the thought of someone not taking care of her, “excuse me?”

“Yeah, and when I asked for a therapist they said no to that too, I was ‘fine’ apparently and they settled for a dead parents support group so that Colin could have a coffee while I sat there,” she’s oblivious to how terrible it is.

“Make me a list of all the things you want, I mean everything down to the most niche interest or therapy technique that you’ve researched and I will help you with whatever it is,” Spencer is furious at the conditioning she’s experienced to think this is okay.

“You don’t have to, dad, I’m okay now,” she lies and he can tell.

“You don’t have to be, believe me, I cry almost every night to Y/N about things I thought I had recovered from. If you want to talk to someone because you think it will help, or if you want medicine because you feel like it’ll help you focus better or just be happier, I’m here to help you get that.”

She goes quiet, staring at their hands where he’s still squeezing her palm. She rubs her thumb along the skin softly, “did your mom ever hurt you?”

“Only when she wasn’t really there in her own mind,” he presses his lips together right after, he’s never told anyone about it.

“Did your dad?”

“Emotionally, but he wasn’t there long enough to lay a hand on me.”

She nods at the response, “my dad was evil, I think he killed my mom in that ‘accident’, but on purpose.”

“I thought my dad was a murderer once too, but it was actually my dad’s friend,” he isn’t sure why he’s telling her everything, but she deserved to know.

“There was a pedophile in our town who killed this boy, Riley, and my mom told him about a man who was watching me like I was next. And Riley’s dad killed him, but I was so young my mind tried to think it was my dad who did it all.”

“Your old job must have really messed you up inside too, huh?” She tries to laugh it off, scared of his past but intrigued at the same time, he just nods at her observation.

“I have a friend, her name is Penelope, her parents died when she was a little bit older than you. She snuck out and they went to look for her, and they were in a car crash,” he makes sure she’s comfortable, her hand is still in his and her thumb is still moving over his skin.

“Like you, she got into hacking, the FBI had to hire her because she was so good she became a threat, you’d really like her,” he says, turning to look at her quickly, he loves the smile on her face.

“I’d love to meet her,” she smiled, “thank you, I wish you could have always been my dad.”

It breaks his heart a little, “well, you have me forever now.”

—

“Two questions,” Y/N’s voice approaches as she walks towards the trunk of her car.

Jo and Spencer are digging through all the shopping bags trying to find all the things that she needs for the afternoon, leaving the rest for the ride home.

“Here,” Spencer hands her the chocolate-covered cranberries, “king-sized bag.”

“I love you,” she smiles as she takes it, “the second question, how are the suitcases going to fit in there now? We have two kids to bring home, they’re going to be squished.”

“I don’t mind,” Jo smiles, “one time they didn’t have room for me in a car so I sat in the trunk for 15 minutes.”

Spencer wrapped her up in his arms, “every time you tell me a story about what has happened to you, I want to kill someone.”

She laughs, holding him back gently, “believe me, I was an asshole to them, they got what they deserved.”

“What did you do?” Y/N worries about what she’s capable of, Spencer can tell.

“I called the tax people and said they have been claiming foster kids as dependents and now they might have tax fraud charges coming their way,” she seemed very proud of herself. “I would never hurt someone, but I have no problem getting them in trouble.”

Y/N extended her fist, bumping it off Jo’s with a smile, “as you should! Now, come on, let’s go get ready for the beach.”

Jo skipped inside with Y/N, their arms linked as they did so. Spencer couldn’t believe this was his life now. He closed the trunk with a slam, picking up the bag of things he set aside before joining them inside.

“Surprise!!!!” Amoreena screamed as soon as he walked through the door.

There was a hand-drawn Happy Father’s Day banner hanging from the staircase and purple balloons all over the place.

“Happy father’s day!!!” They all cheered for him, even Taylor’s mom was there now, smiling at the display of affection.

Amoreena and Jo came running up to him, wrapping their arms around him and holding him close, nothing felt real. “Can you pinch me?” He asked them with a small smile.

He didn’t think they’d do it, but even Y/N walked over and started pinching him all over. Amoreena pinched his leg, Jo pinched his belly button and Y/N, she pinched his cute little butt as she pressed a kiss to his blushing cheek. “You’re very real, so are we.”

“I love you guys,” Spencer reminds them, holding them all as close as he can for just a moment, “okay, enough sappiness, let’s go to the beach!”

Amoreena and Y/N are already in their swimsuits under their sundresses, Jo, on the other hand, picked out some trunks and a tank-style swim top, hiding her scares just enough that she felt comfortable getting in the sand and building a castle with Amoreena.

Y/N laid on the towel beside Spencer in the shade, Taylor and her mom were playing scrabble on the picnic table, her dad was cooking up burgers on the grill. It was serene, it was perfect, they were a little family and it made absolutely no sense to him how it all worked out so well, but he wouldn’t change any of it.

“Look how big it is after lunch,” Y/N grabbed his attention, sticking her belly out as far as it could go, “I’m going to get so huge again, at least this time I’ll be the biggest when it’s cold out.”

“Are you comfortable? Do you need more sunscreen or water?” Spencer worried, making her smile as she pushed her sunglasses up and turned to him.

“I am fantastic, thank you, cutie.”

He leans in to kiss her gently, but she wraps her arms around him and pulls him down on top of her. Kissing him like she just rescued him from the sea and hasn’t seen him for years.

When he finally pulls away, he doesn’t go far. Just sitting up as he brushes her hair off her face, “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” she reminds him with another soft smile.

“I missed mother’s day with you by only a few days, but you should know you’re the best mother in the whole world,” he whispered, wanting to share his day with her because, without her, he wouldn’t be a father.

She pulls him into another kiss, hands resting on his cheeks as she breathes in deeply through her nose. It’s like she’s taking the soul out of his body, he's a part of her now forever and always. He never wants to be anywhere else.

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