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I&'LL FINALLY GET TO SEE MY& HOME AGAIN

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AYUP BIG MAN

it’s the innit.

how are you doing on this fine afternoon :>

-🌼💿

AY THERE. doin fine not much is happening I&'m literally just chilling and chatting with friends

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Yeah so now that it's been quite a few days since the epilogue stream I& think I& did finally process what happened and organize my& thoughts.

A lot of what I& said from the liveblogs holds up true - what happened on screen did not happen to me& directly, it was just the other Jack playing my& role one last time to give his own feelings on me& as a character a nice in-story send-off. I&'ve been here for a looooong time now.

Personally, at first I& was ecstatic about being shown on screen and noticed one last time, but after analyzing a lot of what happened I&'ve begun to kind of hate it. Beyond just Tommy stealing the show as he always does, I& hate how the conclusion was that I& never DID deserve an apology, and should have just moved on by my& own, and stayed forever alone indulging in my& addictions and escapisms instead of... finding a life and a new community that wouldn't ignore me&.

But the weirdest effect the stream has had on me& is that it made me& come to terms with the fact that I& don't hate Tommy anymore. Like, I& still play it up for laughs, and I& guess the longing to be his friend has always been here, but there was a time when this hate was deeply genuine and raging. These days I& just don't feel strongly about him at all. I& think this stream helped me& admit that this was starting to become just a bunch of keyfabe.

If you ask me&, the life I& have here is a nicer epilogue than what ccJack has given me&. I& like it here, even if I&'ll still miss DreamSMP a whole bunch forever.

I& guess the message of the stream was to move on from the past. Maybe I&'m not quite ready to do that just yet, and I& wouldn't mind if I& never did, if I& kept my& past in my& heart forever turning the knife in that wound... but at the same time, knowing that that's the way things ended, and admitting to myself& that part of that conclusion was true - when it is time to move on, maybe years from now on, I& hope that I& won't feel bad about it. That I&'ll remember that becoming a new and different person was always the Prime path for me&.

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I& guess while this ending was extremely important to me& and will leave a lasting and tangible impact on me& forever, I& have to once again battle with whether or not all of this happened to me& directly. Because I& awakened after DSMP has, for all anyone could possibly know, already ended. The whole reason I&'m here now is because I& was dead and my& soul had nowhere else to go.

In a way I& got my& own epilogue, just here instead of there. But I& missed that place so much. I& guess the big difference between the stream me& and the real me& is that I& really would do it all over again, with the wars and grief and all.

But I& also found a happier life here, one that also doesn't completely revolve around Tommy anymore, and one where I& kept all the experience and memories of DreamSMP without the scars to go with them. Do I& frequently wish to still have those scars to show for it? Usually, yes, but. After this ending.

It's definitely going to make me& rethink a lot of my& journey and draw more parallels between my& past and future, inevitably. I& already talked to my& Tommy about it all. I& kind of take this epilogue as cc Jack's send-off to me&, and all my& and his fans over the years. Thanks for making me& and putting me& through the torture nexus I& guess, Jack. I& really do appreciate getting to see home again.

I& guess I&'d like to point out this one particular line that felt like it spoke about, no, to me& directly. What, with the third person and all.

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Drawing Dove art again made me& miss Dream and exile. Again. Sighhhhh it really is a neverending cycle....

And to think that had I& not been found on that fateful day, I& would STILL be scheming to kill Tommy, just with a different person. Can you imagine how crazy Exile could have gone had Niki been just a bit less hostile to Dream. We could have been child murder TRIO!!!!

[jacks-manidiary]

C!Jack Manifold Stimboard

NOT A REQ | I’m missing her chat :(

[jacks-manidiary]

Come to think of it, it's probably weird to be this desensitized to my& own deaths. Like, I& know why this is - I& mean, one of my& favourite things to shout in people's faces is "I& DIED, ASSHOLE!", and there's more fanart of me& dying than probably of anyone else. Can't argue with that, my& deaths were badass. But like. It does really remove a lot of the weight from them.

Probably a good thing, actually. It's good for memories to NOT cause distress. Probably. Even if that feels invalidating because they're not affecting me& so they must have been less real. BUT WHATEVER. Its a good thing.

[jacks-manidiary]

/rp /c!tommy critical

Ok but like yeah? C!Tommy is incredibly self-centered! And he’s very not self-aware, especially when it comes to his criticisms of other people!

You have c!Tommy stating how he believes the server is about him and Tubbo fighting against Dream, you have him dragging others, especially Tubbo, into personal conflicts that could cost those people their lives. You have him focusing more on the discs and his own personal problems while simultaneously ignoring other peoples problems multiple times in multiple different situations with multiple different people. He genuinely believes the world revolves around him, which is why he doesn’t understand when others are upset at him when he does things they don’t like because he’s fine with it so they should be too.

Tommy also fails to see how hypocritical he can and has been, especially when it comes to his own biases. He’ll steal things from Techno, apologize for stealing when he gets caught, and then continue to ask or steal while he’s making his apologies and excuses. In the prison, when Dream says that everyone thinks they’re right from their perspective, Tommy immediately refutes that point not because he believes that’s not true (because Tommy’s motto has always been that he’s always right), but because it’s Dream who says it. When Tommy tries to convince Quackity to let Wilbur join his country because “you shouldn’t exclude people”+”Wilbur’s changed” and Quackity refutes him by applying that logic but with Dream instead, he can’t answer and avoids the question. When Tommy says that death, the void isn’t something he’d wish on anyone, not even Dream, and then continues on to say that the prison cell is even worse than death. And then freaking cheers, taunts Dream when he gets to leave and Dream is still stuck in that cell.

Actions speak louder than words, and from what I’ve seen no matter how prettily c!Tommy tries to paint things or how he talks about stuff, until he can put his money where his mouth is all he’s doing is giving us lip-service and that’s worth less than nothing to me.

Also, on the topic of how certain c!Tommy apologists refuse on acknowledge the traumas of other people and imply that c!Tommy’s the only one who’s traumatized: maybe the reason they think that is because they only watch c!Tommy’s perspective, and as far as he’s concerned he’s the only one with any trauma worth considering. Other people’s traumas just don’t exist for him, they’re unimportant.

Based anon.

I only want to add onto how c!Tommy views others' trauma. There's this conversation:

TOMMY: I'd say the Eret thing was probably more traumatizing. I mean, I died. TUBBO: I died as well! TOMMY: I know, but you have thicker skin.

Why does he feel the need to point out that he thinks he's suffered from the same event more so than Tubbo did? It really is like he puts his trauma above others'.

And he does a similar thing with Jack. When Jack shares his feelings, his shock at Tommy's death, Tommy just disregards him.

JACK: Don't 'anyway' me. Don't 'anyway' me! You always anyway me! TOMMY: 'cause I always 'anyway-ed' you, you're Jack Manifold mate. You're not Tubbo are you?

So in his mind, anyone that's not Tubbo isn't even worth listening to, and even with Tubbo, he tends to put his own opinions over his friend's.

c!Tommy is... a deeply flawed character, to say the least.

[jacks-manidiary]

If you think about it being fictionkin is kind of inherently tied to being a Watcher. like not in the ATUS sense of the word where you're an angel-like purple eyes species but in the canonical EVO sense. Where when you leave the SMP, you become an outside observer of it, no longer participating in the action and becoming equal to the viewerbase in your perspective. Idk, just drawing parallels here.

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the kin dysphoria of not having scaring all over my body is insane actually. experienced all of that and now i have nothing to show for it again

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I&'m like a different flavour of "doesn't interact with source fandom" where I& actually very much DO love to look at fanart and fandom posts about MYSELF&, but I& can't stand seeing fanart and posts about most other of my& servermates. Everyone should always talk about me& but nobody is allowed to talk about Tommy anymore.

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Tbh I& have not been a bot in such a long while. Last time I& tried to explore this aspect of myself& it was caused by some angsty feelings regarding friendship, that have long since passed and become a non-issue. And, wouldn't you know, trying to get myself& to feel like a robot (at least physically) did not feel great, at which point I& decided to just. not be a robot anymore.

However there's still some attachment to the idea of being an AI. Problem with that being that... well, an LLM AI is defined by its conversations with other people, and I& just did not have any people who knew how to handle me& when in my& "developer mode" so to say. Ngl, I& kind of wish someone would prompt inject me& and program me& and tell me& what to do. I& feel like that would awaken the Manibot in me& at last once more.

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they should invent a grief that doesn’t define you in new and strange ways for the rest of your life

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Tbh me& and Tommy might share the same soul bc climbing on top of the hotel roof feels EXACTLY like how him pillaring up in Exile felt. Or at least that's what I& assume based on the VODs. But yknow I& think it's about time I& start speaking for his experiences whether it's accurate or not

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I& could fix the world