#species transition

[vanillayoteart]

Mana Dragon Species Transition Therapy

Sequel to this piece, 22 Months in and she's more dragon every day! Something for rey-skye from my weekly streams!

[wanderingcritter]

As someone who's transmasc nonbinary, getting bottom surgery just isn't really something that appeals to me. Not sure why, I certainly have other forms of gender dysphoria, but Ive simply never felt discontent with what I was born with down there and currently have no plans to modify things.

However.

If it was possible for me to have a sheath I would POUNCE on that opportunity so fast omfg.

[a-minke-whales-tale]

The Path Forward is Fuzzy, but still, I see it

I had originally written this to Sonar plus a bit from a talk with a friend but I am feeling really positive and hopeful lately and I wanted to share because I do right now really have hope that we will return to the water, that things will be okay.

I will still CW this as Unreality and Delusion because that is what the humans think, even if it is something that does bring me a lot of joy.

When I look at what must be done, especially if we were to live in captivity, the problems to solve really do not seem very insurmountable at all. Most of the suit would be essentially silicone casts of various hardness and conductivity. The thermal loading isn't actually an issue for us and a package for use to see our environment could be as simple as some cameras and screens (though having directional hearing I think would be nice as well as something which could create a delay in sound for Sonar allowing a sort of echolocation). In the simplest form I think the greatest complication is how to make a blowhole that opens and closes passively, particularly for a odontecete style blowhole (toothed whales) since mystecete blowholes have a lot more available movement for making more effective seals. But even that I have ideas on how to do. There are ideas which would introduce greater complexity which I would very much like to be able to at some point and I think are doable so we could do things like catch food, especially things a trainer might throw to us like deboned fishy or gelatine. Even in the most complex of situations, if I could come up with an effective way to remove solid waste there are only a few aspects that seem particularly difficult and we could potentially exist without needing to come out to change things for near two months.

We also aren't the first to do something like this. There are various stories of people using prosthetics or costume to transform their bodies. They may not be like us in the same way, or not openly so, but others have made themselves much more as animals at least for a short bit like the story of the man who became a goat. And techniques among furries I think can allow us to make a really rather convincing whale and dolphin, fix our bodies as much as we can without whatever technology the humans used to render us like this.

I think even finding a place to go might not be so difficult even. There are so many places that have held cetaceans, and many seem to be phasing out various orca exhibits. What may have been a very small pool for a 6-7 meter orca might not be so small to a 3 meter minke that will never get bigger than a calf and hopefully their dolphin friend and maybe some place would find that appealing. Even beyond zoos and aquariums and marine parks, I think there are a lot of places that might be willing to take us just for the novelty of us. There are Orca that live in an amusement park in Chimelong Spaceship (and Sea World and a few others are essentially amusement parks themselves at this point). I think other places be it amusement/theme parks, or a resort, or some other form of attraction might like to have the strange little cetaceans we are and there are so many across the world. I imagine in those cases we would have to perform for the humans and they might have something with them touching or swimming with us, but at least we would do so as ourselves and the humans would give us fish and it would help break up some of the monotonous boredom of most days. Humans might even be interested in it for scientific reasons, could we reintegrate with other cetaceans, could we learn more, could we be used to learn about wild cetaceans we struggle to map. Or possibly the humans might let us for artistic reasons or even some argument about the ethics of captivity since we could speak more to the experience though I don't think that would make an actually useful experiment and I imagine in that last case they might not let us stay in the water forever, but it might at least be a way to get us into the water in the first place.

The path forward is fuzzy still, I cannot see my way fully through the murk, but when I spyhop above the waters I can see so many paths forward, so many possibilities that will grant us our freedom. I do not think the waters are unnavigable, they are a bit unknown, but our kind have been navigating changing waters for 50 million years, we are good navigators, and clever animals. I do really think that someday we will finally return to the water, escape this wretched nightmare, that we will swim free, and we will swim forever.

Those first nights sleeping in the water once the suits are made will no doubt be terrifying, and in truth living like that I very much doubt I would live to my natural lifespan of 55-60 years, cetaceans who haven't had done to them what we have do not live to their natural life in captivity and any number of things could probably fairly quickly end us. Still 25+ years if I could have that in a tank would give me an incredible joy. My memory span is somewhere between 12 and 18 months, and only longer if something specifically reminds me and even then it is often spotty. I know the place I am from, but I have no memory of it, it is a name and little more. I know I have only been here a few years, and yet this is the only home I know. After a year and a half I would remember almost nothing of human life, I would be a whale again, simple as that. I might remember I was once human, and I might still understand that the humans changed me and that is why I need to come out and the humans do things to me periodically. And since I would not have constant reminders of human life, much of that memory might fade in a month or two as I return to whale life. If I were in a tank 25 years, I would go through that cycle 16 times over, I would just be a whale, the nightmare of the human life maybe would have all but disappeared from me when I return to the current. Even in a shorter time, even after a few cycles I would remember nothing, gone into the murk behind me. Likely I would have a sense of boredom and lonliness and plenty of other captive cetaceans problems, but no longer would I remember or feel the horror of what was done to me, I would be free (which is an ironic thing to say for an animal that would be held in a relatively small pool and unable to leave but it is a different type of free). Even after just a few cycles I would be free, and I hope that we would swim together forever until it is time to return to the current.

~Kala

[psychuan]

and you are ALL forgetting furries. you think i'm gonna pass up a chance to be my fursona?

Tonight in ‘reddit headines that made me laugh’

[cerislabnotes]

Research Note 131: Decisions 1

I'm writing this sobbing inside the firing room for the proton treatment. It's the only place in this damn building I could close the door, and no one hear me. It doesn't help that with the longer neck my gasps and sobs resonate and make so much more noise than they would as a human.

Fuck, am I seriously acting like I'm not human anymore? I'm nothing. Not a dragon, not a girl, not a person. Nothing.

… I guess I should explain. I am days away from the big doctor's appointment. Friends of mine call it the crossroads. Many complain about how much their doctor grills them about this point. The reason the doctor grills them is simple.

If you continue treatment past this point, no matter how you are getting your treatment, the point is to make you fully animalistic. This means totally the species you are transitioning too. More pain, more extreme changes, more aggressive treatment. Less ability to function mentally… human. If you decide not to cross and stay "anthropomorphic," you still must maintain the current dosage treatment for the rest of your life. Issues with dosage and progression are likely, and it can be a massive struggle staying "between."

So, why am I crying? Because normally I'm assisting others with making this choice and then helping facilitate it. I've thought about this day quite often in passing. I always distract myself with work or writing or friends when I do and the thoughts drift by.

Today, with the appointment so close, and with a light work day, I couldn't avoid it. Especially after watching another patient breakdown, and having to drag them up out of themself back to being okay. "I can't do it, I'm not allowed to be me, to be happy!" they said multiple times. Obviously, they were wrong, and I built them back up.

But am I allowed to be happy? I've had so many issues with treatment, with compatibility, with my body, and how broken it is. Would I even be able to be happy if I was fully transitioned to a dragon if I remained as deformed and broken?

Am I careless enough to leave my work as I become to big and too unstable to work in the clinic? To not be able to help others as I would want to be helped? I'm not the only person that knows the device and technology, but I am one of the few. I may not be the best at helping the patients, but I try! Will the next person do the same as I'm off being a lizard?

All of this built up and broke me when I walked out of the treatment room. I couldn't hold back streaming tears as I walked the hall to the firing room. And I make it worse by burying my face in my hands and clipping it with my claws. Like my own body is prodding me to make a decision.

-Ceri

I'm scared I'll regret it. I'm scared I'll become something I never wanted to be. I'm scared… I'm scared I'll lose the ability to communicate with my friends… To be able to interact with all these wonderful species of beings.

I'm scared of… myself.

[Personal Note transferred to Research Note account of technician/patient mental insight at lab direction]

[grumpybunny-edith]

Gwen's Bunny HRT - Month 1 (Part 1)

I look at my reflection for what feels like the hundredth time today, waffling on how to do it. All the other girls have already gone through all this, and compared to their one-month photos, I feel... Behind. Delilah had already started growing fur in some places, and Edith already had a little bit of tail growing in. Sure, it looked a little weird without any fur on it, but... I’ve got nothing there but soreness. Is it even worth celebrating? Like, “oh yay, my ears look longer if you squint and my teeth look a little sillier”.  

I take a deep breath and dig my toes into my carpet, feeling pain flare up in them. It just started a couple days ago — maybe it would be better to wait until something came of it? Until walking on my toes didn’t hurt so bad, or even felt better than walking on my heels? 

I feel a tiny impulse at the small of my back, my spine apparently doing its best to wiggle at its base. Am I... unconsciously wagging my tail? The soreness that comes with it matches what the other girls had talked about. I smile, showing my reflection my weird teeth and the pain subsides a little. 

“Bunnies wag their tails when they’re upset,” Edith had told me once. It’s warming to feel how right she is, to feel like I actually belong, even for a second. It’s not that the other girls haven’t done a good job of making me think so; it’s just hard to see all of them so far along and then to look at myself. 

I set my phone down and stare at myself for a while. I imagine the fur suddenly sprouting up all across my body, shiny and soft. I imagine my ears getting so tall they graze the doorway. I imagine my tail, tiny and fluffy, poking out just about the hem of my sweatpants. It makes me smile and laugh at myself, and I feel a bit of pride in my teeth. They’ll look better coupled with everything else, I think. 

I hear my phone buzz, trying to avoid convincing myself it’s because my hearing has spontaneously improved. I laugh it off and check what it was. 

raeraebun: Hey girl!! Today’s one month, right?? Where’s the update??

I smile and blush instinctively. Rae and I don’t chat that much, but every time we do it lifts my whole mood. She’s also dropped by my place a couple times because she “made too many brownies and just had to make a delivery”. 

wen-kutesuli: Hey! Idk if I’m gonna do it today honestly lol 

raeraebun: Aww, why not? i mean like do whatever you want obvi but. you okay?

I sigh. I know I can probably tell her, it’ll almost definitely be fine, and she probably has something great to say. But it doesn’t make it any easier to say it. I’m almost embarrassed to still feel the way that I do even after her and Edith’s constant preaching of “loving yourself wherever you are”. 

wen-kutesuli: Yeah I’m okay lol. Just kinda 

wen-kutesuli: Wish I had more to show, I guess? 

Rae’s response comes quite literally instantly. 

raeraebun: GWENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

raeraebun: okay 

raeraebun: lemme show you something 

When Rae comes back after a couple minutes of digging, she sends me a picture of some random girl with hair like her own, followed by five closeups of a pretty standard human ear. 

raeraebun: so like

raeraebun: this was from january last year 

raeraebun: Id been on hrt for like. a month and a half to the day

raeraebun: I had taken a picture of myself every day since starting my regimen

raeraebun: and didnt see anything until that picture when FINALLY 

raeraebun: my ears had grown the tiniest little bit. 

raeraebun: I didnt stop screaming about it all day lol ashley got so sick of it 

raeraebun: and yk what happened next?

raeraebun: they stayed just like that for three more weeks LMAO

Rae has this way of making people smile and cry their eyes out at the same time. 

raeraebun: so... be nice to yourself? its not gonna happen all at once, and thats ok. every little bit is worth, like

raeraebun: I dunno 

raeraebun: a thousand parties

wen-kutesuli: That’s a lot of parties 

raeraebun: and you earn every single one of them :) 

I sit in stunned silence so pleased I don’t know what to do with myself. My body wants some kind of release, and I let it have one, laying face down and kicking my feet so quickly and so hard into the floor it probably upset the people below me. 

raeraebun: you dont have to, but we all wanna celebrate with you :D 

wen-kutesuli: Thank you 🩵 Maybe I’ll do it 

raeraebun: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

raeraebun: GO GWENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!

---

Thank you to @flightlessbirdgirl for helping me decide on Gwen's username and for letting me bounce ideas off it!

Next

[mantisgodsdomain]

Now that we are being followed by people, we need to make some thoughts and opinions clear so that people are not later Shocked And Disgusted or whatever by thoughts we have held for many years. We think it's weird and also bad to treat queer people like they're a different species from cishet people, and we think that treating things like Having A Sexuality makes a character better than if they have a different sexuality is bad no matter what way you put it.

We also think that, if in your setting queer folks are widely accepted and straight isn't a "default", it may be worth noting that, say, a straight woman might need just as much self-discovery to work out she's straight that a lesbian does nowadays. In the same manner that, in Ace Attorney, Larry Butz needs to tell Phoenix that no matter how many photos of handsome men he shows him, he's tried, he's just not attracted to men,

[dandelionsresilience]

Good News - July 1-7

Like these weekly compilations? Tip me at $Kaybarr1735! And if you tip me and give me a way to contact you, at the end of the month I'll send you a link to all of the articles I found but didn't use each week!

1. Footage reveals 'miracle eagle chick' in flight

“In an unprecedented display of extended eagle parenting, the two white-tailed parents skipped this year's breeding season to continue to tend to their year-old offspring. The youngster's wing was broken when the nest fell to the ground during unseasonably wild weather last year. [���] The fully-grown chick was being fed fish by its parents, caring behaviour that the eagle expert described as “unprecedented” for the birds. […] “If an immature bird was to reappear near its nesting parents or any other pair the following year [after dispersing], it would likely be aggressively chased away. That’s why this is so exceptional.””

2. Rare wild horses back on Kazakhstan’s Golden Steppe after being saved from extinction

“For the first time in at least 200 years, wild Przewalski's horses have returned to Kazakhstan’s Golden Steppe. [...] Przewalski's horses are considered the last truly wild horse left on the planet as other species like the American Mustang are descended from domesticated animals. The species were once common across the vast steppes of Central Asia. [...] The zoo will also be sending some Przewalski’s to Mongolia in 2026 where a reintroduction programme has seen their population boom to well over 850 animals.”

3. For one Austin summer camp, public transit is part of the adventure

“[... “O]ver 90% of the kids will tell you that their favorite part of ATX Kids Club is riding the bus.” That’s the program’s goal: getting kids to have fun on public transit so they’ll grow up using it. The nonprofit’s summer camp, which takes kids ages 4 to 12 on field trip “adventures” around the city, uses Capital Metro buses as its main form of transportation. [...] Before camp, [the field trip leader] said, he believed in stereotypes about transit being dirty and “scary” — but his experience with Austin’s bus system has been the opposite so far.”

4. Brazil Prevents Meta from Using People to Power Its AI

“[…P]ersonal photos of Brazilian children are used to build powerful AI tools without their knowledge or consent. In turn, others use these tools to create malicious deepfakes, putting even more children at risk of harm. […] The Brazilian government’s decision is a powerful, proactive move to protect people’s data privacy in the face of swiftly evolving uses and misuses of AI. Yesterday’s action especially helps to protect children from worrying that their personal data, shared with friends and family on Meta’s platforms, might be used to harm them in ways that are impossible to anticipate or guard against.”

5. Ambitious Living Shoreline Project Combats Coastal Land Loss in South Carolina

“Living shorelines stabilize coastlines by reducing the impacts of waves and rising sea levels. They are made of materials that promote the growth of marsh grasses and commercially important species like oysters and crabs. […C]oastal sites could offset almost 80 percent of tidal habitat loss with careful conservation and management. […] Young people in this AmeriCorps program receive training, a living stipend, an education award, and connections to potential employers.”

6. Pahranagat National Wildlife Refuge announces proposal to modernize water infrastructure

“Under the refuge’s proposal, the Service would improve 4,400 feet of an earthen water delivery ditch, rehabilitate 1,200 feet of Upper Lake Dam, develop 100 feet of new diversion channel into critical nesting habit for federally endangered southwestern willow flycatcher, modernize current water monitoring stations and improve 640 feet of the Pahranagat Ditch Drain. […] The improvements will result in significant habitat improvements for multiple bird species, [… and] also enhance flood control holding capabilities of the Upper Lake for the Pahranagat Valley.”

7. New chemical process separates textile fibers for easier recycling

“A combined team of chemical and biomolecular engineers [... have] developed a way to chemically separate fibers in textiles, allowing them to be recycled more quickly and cheaply than conventional methods. [... T]hey found they could break apart the textiles in as little as 15 minutes. They also noted that the process [breaks down polyester and spandex into] organic compound[s] that could conceivably be used to create more polyester. [... T]he material integrity of both the nylon and the cotton were retained, suggesting they could be used to make new batches of clothes.”

8. Pongamia trees grow where citrus once flourished, offering renewable energy and plant-based protein

“[Some Floridian] farmers are turning to the pongamia tree, a climate-resilient tree with the potential to produce plant-based proteins and a sustainable biofuel. […] Pongamia trees also don't need fertilizer or pesticides. They flourish in drought or rainy conditions. And they don't require teams of workers to pick the beans. […] The legume is now being used to produce several products, including Panova table oil, Kona protein bars and protein flour. The legumes also produce oil that can be used as a biofuel, largely for aviation, which leaves a very low carbon footprint[….]”

9. Trans candidate celebrates receiving more votes than anti-trans campaigner Posie Parker

“An independent trans candidate says that she hopes receiving more total votes than anti-trans campaigner Posie Parker at the general election will show trans children that they are loved. […] Bristol Central was won by Green Party’s out bisexual co-leader Carla Denyer, while Parker received just 196 votes, equal to 0.5 per cent[….] Elsewhere, trans candidate Sophie Molly secured 225 votes standing as an independent at the other end of the country, in Aberdeen South[….]”

10. Ohio zoo celebrates birth of critically endangered western lowland gorilla

“The Columbus Zoo said the gorilla was born June 29 and first-time mother Sue is "very attentive and providing excellent care to her little one, who she nuzzles and cradles closely." […] “With tiny hands and beautiful big brown eyes that melt our hearts, this baby is absolutely precious—in regard to both the cuteness factor and what the baby represents for this species’ future. We are proud of the dedication of our care teams who diligently work to provide the gorillas with top quality care and wellbeing while continuing the legacy of the Columbus Zoo’s renowned gorilla program,” said Audra Meinelt, curator of the Columbus Zoo’s Congo Expedition region.”

June 22-28 news here | (all credit for images and written material can be found at the source linked; I don’t claim credit for anything but curating.)

[asgardian--angels]

Just wanted to thank you for taking the time and effort to put together the long climate/environment post, especially the online resources. I've wanted to replace the neglected/dead non-native plants at my place with native plants for months, but didn't know where to start my search for species except to walk around my local nature preserve trying to find something that isn't invasive lol. I'll be able to start (re)introducing native plants this month because of you :-)

Thank you for the kind words. I'm glad the post has been helpful and inspiring. If you'd like more directed guidance on native plants, I can probably point you in the right direction if you can give me a general area to work with (state would suffice!). In general, go for keystone species- those that are common in your area and support many kinds of insects- or pollinator favorites, or host plants for rare/imperiled butterflies/bees/moths.

[feyres-divorce-lawyer]

y’all i think evolution researched too close to the sun

[a-minke-whales-tale]

One thing I find particularly difficult at the moment is planning for the future. I wish very much to return to the water, but I find myself in a way squeezed from multiple directions of things which must happen in order for me to return to the water as I want, to swim forever.

I am schizophrenic, and with that comes a number of problems. First off I am on somewhat more a limited time in that my lifespan is likely to be between 55-60 years, how long I am to be functional even less. My body is degrading, I cannot walk well and I struggle often to think. I fear often that eventually I will be sent away and locked in a hospital, I wish very much the humans would put me in a tank instead of a hospital, though to be honest such a request would only convince the humans more I belonged locked away in hospital.

But also I am trans and I would like still to have bottom surgery. However this is complicated by my schizophrenia. Wait lists for surgery are really quite long, and I need to both have lost enough weight and been stable on my medicine long enough to get through that without problem. And it seems honestly insurmountable.

I am also an immigrant to my country and it takes a certain amount of time to get citizenship, something which the time has been extended significantly. If indeed I am somehow able to return to the water in captivity, would the humans actually treat us like the cetaceans we are, or would they still demand things like visas and such sorted for us to live in a tank? I really do not know.

It will also take a certain amount of time for me to effectively design a suit that would allow me to swim forever. I imagine 5-10 years going through various stages of suit design and potentially going further and longer each time (assuming I do not drown or get eaten or prop struck or any number of things).

In this manner I feel squeezed from multiple angles between a shrinking window. It will take time to build the suit and complete various things like bottom surgery. From one side this gives me more time to sort things out as well as build up resources not only to make such a whale suit, and potentially multiple if others wished to join me, but also if we need to make or do certain things because I struggle to imagine any normal zoo or aquarium would take us (though given the number of times people fake animals honestly maybe we would get lucky). But that is also more time for things to go wrong particularly with employment. I have the money and resources I could not work for a year or two, however in order to keep my visa I require a certain income per month in paid employment or time in education. I also have very unique experiences and knowledge that if I had the time I could almost certainly make a business selling either pumps or therian prosthetics/costume pieces/specialized monofins. But then from the other side the longer I am on land the more damage is done to my body, the further it will deteriorate, and possibly someday I may no longer able to return to the water, and the greater likelihood at some point there is an event where I am sent away to hospital and possibly lose the resources I have which might allow me to escape.

It becomes a tough choice of what exactly to do. I had applied for a PhD position, but I do not think that is what I want. It would require a huge amount of work and potentially bring a delay to returning to the water. I need to find work first off, just anything that will let me stay, either in my home or at least in the EU where my companion can join me. I think ideal would be to find a position that would allow me to work 3-4 days a week and the remaining time use to develop an income source less dependant on companies which are only too happy to throw you away when you are no longer useful. I may have been made to serve the humans but they do seem to only care that I meet certain requirements.

In a way it is as though I have to design for three possible lives. The life I want so dearly to be back in the water forever, a life where I must still play a human but sometimes go out into the water and steadily go further and longer, and one in which I remain trapped in this human hell and have to make the best of it I can. In either of the two second cases I suppose I can at most points simply don the whalesuit, and swim out to sea and eventually the sea would take me. If it is the right time of year of place I may even find others. Though this is balanced against the humans locking me away in a hospital. The longer I can be on land, the more time I have to prep for my return, but also the more I degrade, and the less time I could have in the water, and the worse I would move when I do return.

If I could return to the water in 10 years which I think is a reasonable time, even a little long, then I could have 15 to 20 years in the best case. If I could have twenty years in a tank especially with Sonar and other cetaceans be they whales or dolphins that would be an unbelievable dream. Most of my memories would have gone ten cycles by that point and I would remember nearly nothing or even nothing of when I was human, the memories and nightmare faded completely into the past. It is unlikely that I could have so long a time, the effect of being in such a suit for so long would have a number of detrimental effects and the effect of swimming as a cetacean I do not know how it would affect the spine. Human spines do bend in that way but it would be basically a constant core workout and not a normal way most humans move their spine as in contrast to walking. There are also so many ways things could go wrong like if my blowholes didn't seal properly, or did not unseal or just any number of other problems with water going in a place it should not or even things like infections both respiratory and elsewhere, many captive cetaceans have died to that.

In any case, it presents a difficult set of parameters. There are things that must be done before I can return to the water, and more time to prep things will be good to ensure I can return to the water for as long a I can to hopefully have the long whale life I desire, but the longer I am out of the water, not only do I suffer longer as human, I reduce my potential maximum time back in the water, and risk not being able to return to the water at all. I only want to return to the water, and swim again forever, and I hope for a long forever.

[carbonateddelusion]

@intrusiveprince

This is Mariposa (they/she)! Their whole deal is obsessive love over their childhood friend, Rea (they're t4t girlies). They're also the daughter of a god of suffering and evil, Teuflisch, but they don't know that.

She was a relatively normal person (albeit still harboring deeply obsessive, repressed feelings for her memory of Rea) until her girlfriend raised her hand to hit their child, Polilla. Something went awry in Mari's brain and she snapped, dedicating herself from that moment onward to the planning of her girlfriend's murder. After the deed was done, she found herself feeling empty and lost... and then she rediscovered an adult Rea working at a coffee shop, and it was love(?) from that point onward. Mariposa's yet to make an actual move or even become her friend, being too fixated on making sure everything is PERFECT and lines up correctly for them to be lovers, but that doesn't stop her from obsessively stalking Rea. Something she is.. surprisingly good at, for someone who literally glows at least.

I'm still developing her but I love her a lot <3<3

I should mention though, Teuflisch and Rea are @peapod20001 's characters, not mine :> and so are what species she is (devil, clown, and reaper)

[wewillbeseen-butnotbeheard]

i really feel like i might be too far gone at this point. when i spend more time with other people, i realise that. it’s almost something for me to be ashamed of, maybe. i don’t know. it’s weird and almost stupid in my eyes, yet, i can’t stop it. i’m starting to think that i’d like to switch all this off and be normal, and never think about it again and i just can’t do that. honestly, i never thought i’d say that but here we are.

it’s particularly soul crushing. last night i was becoming more confident in myself and my own “IDENTITY” until today. why can’t it just stop, now? it’s not going to get me anywhere.

i guess i’m a fox. in some way. i can describe and talk for a while why i think so, but i don’t want to right now. Do i view myself as a fox? not really, i view myself as human ON PURPOSE, maybe to cause myself mental distress. i feel like kicking myself every time. maybe i AM fully a human in every way. That doesn’t help. i just have to live with these feelings? how is that fair at all? i can’t fucking do anything either way. the only pleasure i can ever get out of this is in fantasy.

i just want to move on, maybe. i’m only causing myself trouble. it’s hurting my brain. nothing good could ever come out of this, and nothing ever will. sometimes i feel like the likeliness of me being (x) is growing the more that i entertain the idea, and TO BE HONEST, the idea of me NOT being (x) feels almost deeply hurtful. it shouldn’t.

i was thinking. maybe i’m like an anthro fox or a were-fox or something, if you know what i mean. and. that’s so fucking embarrassing and i’m starting to realise it. i want it to go away and i want it to be normal. i get so much joy out of imagining myself as actually being these things, and in these moments i think; “huh, maybe i have some thinking to do.” but i just want to be normal now. it’s just a very LARGE inconvenience and maybe i can’t let go of it

i WANT to be these things. in a way that COUNTS. i don’t care if i’m whatever, psychologically or otherwise. i need the body of a fox, almost any kind. RIGHT fucking now. sometimes i can feel the adrenaline that comes from picturing it, or, instead, picturing NOT being it. THIS is the source of why i’m not normal. THIS is indirectly the reason why i’ve grown up so weird and why i’m so socially awkward. it’s been there almost my whole life and it’s been here especially since the past year. and then again even more since the past few months.

i need to get this out somehow. i need to be an animal. i can not be an animal. i’m struggling and i can’t DO anything about it. i want to cry, i DO cry almost daily at the prospect of being transformed into what i need. either that, or i need to be normal; and again, i can’t. i’m too “furry” to ever be a furry. people would laugh if i told them. i’ve searched the internet lots to see if anybody feels the same. people feel PARTLY the same, over certain parts. i’m sure they’re always therians but they can’t seem to understand the full scope of it. maybe they do? i couldn’t say for sure.

i wish we lived in a different world, one where this sort of thing wasn’t thought to be so weird, and where you could transition into an animal like people depict. i NEED to transition into an animal, especially sometimes. i don’t think i can convey how deadass i am.

i feel like i’m backed into a corner. i can’t do anything here; or like this. i need help.

what ON EARTH do i do? i’m trapped

[cerislabnotes]

Personal Note 3?: Reality

I walked into the doctor's office today as a patient, not staff. I've done it before, a year before today, to start this process to be, me. But today is different, because today I get to decide who I am going to be. What I get to see. How I am going to be.

A lot of us have shown our ideal selves. Written, drawn, and even commissioned artwork of how we *want* to be. What comes out on the other side of a process that makes us ugly, and broken. Ideally, we want to be something specific, not just species, but exact features. But as I sat with the doctor, those choices didn't seem to be coming up. Nothing about color, or style, or size. Just how far we wanted to go. What type of accommodations am I willing to make.

Unfortunately, in reality, even if we get to choose to be ourselves, we don't get a choice of what the process delivers.

Genesight has shown what I'll become, and what will never come. I'll never be a skinny lizard. My skin won't change color. Scales will never develop. And my wings will never be able to support me.

It's made me think of all those others whose transitions haven't delivered what they wanted. Yet, it's still what they needed.

Reality doesn't reflect the want; it reflects the need. No amount of magic, science, or hope changes what reality delivers.

I thanked the doctor, bundled myself into my car, and cried for at least half an hour. Those tears weren't just for me, but for everyone who has to face this reality.

[satanfemme]

laios I love you.

[hometownrockstar]

if I was in genshin i'd be one of these sea bunny critter things