#also loving that so many other ppl reblogging this want to write this!!!

[blog-o-meter]

sweetdreams - Nicholas Alexander Chavez x fem!reader

summary: Aching for some release, Nicholas finds himself browsing a cam site and stops dead when he recognizes a familiar bedroom on one of the thumbnails.

warnings: 18+, camgirl, masturbation, exhibitionism

required listening: n/a

word count: 6,195

a/n: eek, I've been sitting on this one for a bit - I'm not even sure why. but I like it, it was fun to write LMAO also rip TikTok. I deleted the app over a year ago bc it destroyed my brain but ik lots of ppl still love that app so rip I guess. anyway lmk if you liked this one! I have a few more fics but idkkkk

reblogs, likes, and replies are greatly appreciated and let me know if you'd like to see more!

The glow of my laptop screen on the bed illuminated the cozy pale purple walls of my bedroom. The fairy lights hanging along the fabric draping the backside of my bed added a soft warmth to the otherwise dimly lit space with a few tapered candles here and there on my nightstand and dresser to set the mood. I adjusted the camera perched on the tripod next to my desk, angling it toward my bed where the sheets were already perfectly rumpled by design.

I didn't do it because I needed the money. I always paid my bills on time — rent, utilities, student loans, cellphone, gas, insurance, and groceries — but my entire paycheck would go to just that. And no matter how much I tried to break up my checks or stagger payment dates, the same thing always happened: I never had enough money to splurge on myself. I wanted the money. So bad.

There were so many things I wanted to buy for myself, so many trips and concerts and restaurants I wanted to be able to experience, but I never could, not unless I saved up the little leftover money I’d have for myself for months and months at a time just to be able to accompany my friends to a mid-scale restaurant. It was a little embarrassing for me, frankly. I just wanted to be able to be with them during all those moments, not sitting at home bored with incredible FOMO.

That’s why I decided to start camming on the side.

I didn’t do it frequently, just when I anticipated buying something I had been wanting — like a nice pair of boots or some furniture — or wanted to go out with friends, and it wasn’t an easy decision for me to make either. I spent close to a year mulling it over, really weighing my options, and honestly, it was the only one I was comfortable enough to explore, surprisingly.

I mean, I masturbated anyway. It was in the privacy of my room with no audience, sure, but why do something for free when you could be making some money out of it? And all I had to do to hide my identity was get a second bank account, move all of the identifying pictures out of the way, buy myself a nice, sexy mask that obscured a majority of my face, and stream on an out-of-the-way cam site I was sure most of the people in my life would not be privy to.

At first, it was incredibly intimidating. My sex life was borderline nonexistent, and I was basically about to expose myself to strangers on the internet. I could barely speak during my first stream, but over time I became more comfortable with my movements and my voice — almost confident, even. But that didn’t mean I still didn’t get nervous before every stream, like now.

As I laid on my bed and pulled the black lace mask over my face, I let out a slow, steadying breath, fingers hovering over the trackpad of my laptop, the cursor teasing the ‘Go Live’ button. And then I clicked it. 

sweetdream is live.

On the other side of town, Nicholas came home exhausted, but most of all frustrated. Shooting had been absolutely brutal this week, and the constant tension in his body was driving him insane. It didn’t help that he barely had any time to go out with his friends or even entertain the girls in his DMs and maybe hook up with one of them to blow off some steam.

But he didn’t want to deal with any of that right now. He was just so exhausted; how could he possibly have the energy to even pretend to be interested in whatever conversation his friends or those girls had to say? He wanted something here, something now.

Nicholas tossed his keys onto the kitchen counter and kicked off his shoes, running a hand through his hair as he made his way over to the fridge and reached in for a nice, cold beer before retreating to his room. The familiar solitude of his apartment felt suffocating tonight, the silence amplifying the ache in his chest and the tension coiling low in his stomach. He threw himself onto his bed, letting out a quiet groan as he reached for his laptop on the nightstand and set down his beer with a dull thud.

He hadn’t forayed into the world of internet porn in over month, but he did it like clockwork — reaching into his nightstand drawer for his wired headphones and sticking them into his MacBook’s audio jack before carefully placing the laptop over his thighs and waking it to life.

Nicholas’s fingers hovered over the keyboard as his thumb rubbed over the trackpad, opening a private window and typing in all of the familiar site names — PornHub, Xhamster, XVideos, hell, even XNXX. He scrolled for a bit on each, hoping at least one video might catch his attention and fully awaken his half-hard cock, but none of them were hitting the way he wanted — needed — tonight.

They all seemed too polished, now. Way too much makeup and studio lights. Makeup and studio lights was all he worked with on set, and the last thing he wanted was to jerk off to work. Frustrated, he closed the tabs one by one. He needed something different — something raw, something real.

He didn’t visit cam sites often, but when he did, they delivered exactly what he was looking for. Something authentic. So, without any hesitation, he clicked through his bookmarks and clicked the out-of-the-way cam site he had come across months and months ago deep in the pages of Google.

Nicholas leaned back against the headboard, the familiar homepage of the cam site loading in front of him, colorful and bright and borderline blinding, the screen illuminating his face and reflecting off his wooden headboard. A variety of thumbnails greeted him, showing live streams in progress. Women of all shapes and sizes, their expressions ranging from coy to confident, teasing the camera.

He scrolled lazily past the wall of endless thumbnails, picking up his beer and taking a lazy swig as he sifted through, trying to find someone who caught his eye. Most were the same: over-the-top angles, exaggerated expressions. They all felt…off. Too staged. Too fake. They all blurred together, until one made him stop dead in his tracks.

His thumb froze mid-scroll, and he nearly choked on his beer, setting the bottle back down on his nightstand as he stared at the screen, his eyebrows furrowed at the tiny square. His cursor hovered over the thumbnail, magnifying it just a smidge.

The thumbnail was simple — cozy lighting, a tidy bedroom with a familiar-looking duvet cover, and a girl wearing a delicate pink satin lingerie set, her face obscured by a lace mask that looked like it had been plucked right out of a Venetian mask shop during Carnival. The room in the background had pale lavender walls, warm fairy lights adorning the wall where the headboard of the bed would be, and candles flickering in the background. It was all familiar. Way too familiar.

“No fucking way,” he muttered under his breath, the words rumbling at the back of his throat.

He leaned closer to the screen, his heart pounding in his chest. His fingers twitched over the trackpad before he clicked, the stream loading painfully slow as the rainbow wheel spun. He held his breath, his entire body tense as he waited for the image to appear.

And when it did, his stomach dropped.

It was her.

It was me.

The shy, sweet, (Y/N) he’d known for years. The girl who blushed when someone so much as mentioned a sex scene in a movie. The same girl who stumbled over her words anytime he called me ‘baby’ in that teasing tone he so loved to use. The girl that hasn’t been on so much as a real date in the time he’s known her.

I was sitting there on his screen, laying on my side and propping myself up by the elbow, dressed in soft pink satin lingerie, my body glowing under the warm light of my bedroom as I read chat. 

Nicholas’s breath caught in his throat, his heart hammering so loudly in his chest that he was certain it would burst. His eyes were glued to the screen, unwilling — or unable — to look away. He leaned in closer, the reality of what he was seeing crashing into him like a freight train.

My fingers lightly traced the satin straps of my bra, my voice soft as I spoke to the camera. The black lace mask obscured the top half of my face, but there was no mistaking it — it was me. My voice, my laugh, my nervous little gestures.

“My day was fine; thank you for asking,” I sheepishly smiled as I read a comment from chat, my finger tracing down to my leg, idly trailing up and down my hip, my voice thrumming through Nicholas’s headphones loud and clear.

“What the fuck,” Nicholas whispered to himself, his hand clenching into a fist against his thigh. He wasn’t half-hard anymore; he was hard as a fucking rock.

The chat on my screen lit up with messages, dozens of anonymous names firing off compliments, tips, and lewd suggestions. Nicholas’s stomach churned, a mix of guilt, confusion, and something darker coiling low in his gut. 

He should have closed the tab — hell, he should’ve slammed the laptop shut and never spoken of this to anyone — but he didn’t. Instead, he turned up the volume and watched.

Nicholas’s mind raced as he stared at the screen, unable to tear his eyes away. He should’ve stopped. Should’ve closed the tab. Should’ve shoved the laptop away. Hell, throw it across the room if that’s what it took to stop watching. But he didn’t.

Instead, his hand drifted lower, instinct overriding logic as his cock strained painfully against the fabric of his sweatpants.

I shifted on the bed, sitting back on my heels, the delicate pink satin stretching over my body as I leaned closer to the camera. My fingers brushed the lace of my mask before trailing down to the straps of my bra, teasing the edge.

“Let’s see,” I murmured, scanning the chat, my voice carrying a nervous lilt. “You want me to take my time tonight, huh?”

The chat box on my screen lit up with requests and donations, the little dings echoing faintly in the background. I leaned forward, my cleavage filling the frame as I adjusted the camera slightly.

“Thank you for the tip, Anonymous,” I said shyly, a smile tugging at my lips.

Nicholas’s chest tightened as his cock stirred in his jeans. He couldn’t tear his eyes away. The idea of me, his quiet, unassuming friend, doing something like this was utterly surreal, utterly impossible. It was impossibly hot.

Johnny88 donated $100: take off ur bra

The moment the donation notification lit up the chat, Nicholas’s jaw clenched. His hand froze mid-motion, hovering over the waistband of his sweatpants.

$100.

The chat was eating it up, emojis flooding the stream, accompanied by crude, explicit comments urging me to follow through. I hesitated for a moment, looking at the message on my laptop screen, my expression shy but playful.

“Wow… Thank you, Johnny88,” I murmured, my voice soft but steady, betraying a nervous edge. “Guess I don’t want to disappoint, huh?”

Nicholas’s breathing deepened, his cock aching as he watched me slowly slide the straps of my bra off my shoulders, my fingers trembling slightly as they trailed over my skin. I glanced at the chat again, clearly gauging my audience’s reaction.

His stomach churned with something primal, a mix of possessiveness and desire that made his head spin. He wanted to hate himself for watching, for indulging in this, but the truth was, he was riveted. Every little movement, every shy smile, every flicker of hesitation only made it worse. And then my hands reached around my back to undo the clasp and the bra came off.

Nicholas groaned under his breath as the satin slid down my arms, revealing my bare chest to the camera. My hands instinctively moved to cover myself at first, but then, slowly, I let them drop, exposing myself completely.

I bit my lip, my hand beginning to knead at my breast, a little whimper escaping my lips as I pinched my hard nipple. “Is this what you wanted?” I asked, almost teasingly.

Nicholas’s breathing hitched, his hand clenching into a fist against the mattress as his other slowly moved to hook itself around his waistband. The sound of my voice, soft and teasing, sent a jolt straight through him. He felt like the biggest fucking pervert alive, but he couldn’t stop. He didn’t want to.

My fingers teased the hem of my panties, my hand brushing over the top of my center as I sat on my knees in front of the camera, waiting for a little more donations to roll in before deciding to pull them off. 

Nicholas’s hand trembled slightly as he lifted his hips up slightly to pull down his sweatpants along with his Nike briefs to free himself, his throbbing erection springing out. He hated himself for how hard he was, for the way his body reacted to every soft, breathy sound I made, but god, he was transfixed, his eyes locked on the screen as I teased the camera, my fingers toying with the waistband of my panties.

The sound of a new donation chimed through the speakers. Another request. My eyes flicked to the laptop screen, and a shy smile curled on my lips as I read the message aloud.

“Anonymous tipped $100. Hmm…” I hesitated, my voice dropping to a near whisper. “Panties off, huh?”

Nicholas’s jaw clenched as I kneeled in front of the camera, my chest moving out of the top of the frame as the image of my panties filled the screen. I hooked my thumbs into the waistband of my panties and tugged them down just enough to tease. My movements were deliberate, slow, and sensual, and Nicholas’s hand moved instinctively to wrap his pulsing length.

I slipped the panties lower, finally revealing myself completely to the camera. I maneuvered myself on the bed to pull my underwear out from under my feet before dangling it in front of the camera to show my viewers the large damp spot, quietly giggling. “God, look how wet I am already,” I whispered, more to myself than to my audience.

The chat exploded with comments. Compliments, pleas, and donations rolled in, but Nicholas barely registered them. He groaned, his hand tightening around his cock as he watched me. “Fuck, (Y/N),” he muttered under his breath, his voice thick with arousal as he started to stroke himself, his eyes fluttering shut before opening again. The sight of me, naked and confident, teasing the camera with that shy giggle, had him utterly captivated.

I reached for something out of frame, my trustee delicate pale pink rabbit vibrator, and settled back on the bed, glancing at the camera with a shy, almost apologetic smile. “I thought I’d… try something new tonight,” you said, your voice trembling just enough to make his cock ache.

Nicholas couldn’t help the groan that rumbled low in his throat as he watched me turn the vibrator over in my hands, inspecting it like it was new to me, even though I knew exactly what I was doing. Every movement was calculated to tease, to entice, and fuck, it was working.

His strokes quickened as I brought the toy closer to my mouth, running my tongue over the tip before sucking it gently. His eyes darkened, his breathing heavy as he imagined those soft lips of mine wrapped around him instead.

Love69 donated $50: wish that was me

“Fuck off,” Nicholas gritted his teeth at the donation, his jaw tightening as his hand worked his cock faster, the sight of me teasing the camera sending a wave of heat straight through him. The jealousy coiled low in his gut as the chat lit up with messages, strangers clamoring for my attention, showering me with tips and crude remarks.

The donation pulled a soft, breathy laugh from my lips, and I tilted my head, looking directly at the camera. “Oh, do you?” I murmured, my voice dripping with a mix of innocence and teasing. I ran my tongue along the length of the vibrator again, swirling it slowly before pulling it away, letting it hover just above my lips. “Sorry, Love. I’m imagining someone else.”

Nicholas froze, his hand gripping his cock mid-stroke as the words left my lips. The soft, teasing tone in my voice sent a shiver through his entire body, but it was the words themselves that hit him like a truck. The idea of me thinking about someone else while putting on this show, teasing, and playing for the camera — it was both maddening and painfully arousing.

His jaw clenched, and a low, guttural sound rumbled from his throat as he stroked himself harder, his frustration and desire tangling into something almost primal.

Who the fuck was I imagining?

The thought shouldn’t have mattered. This was a fantasy, an act. I was catering to an audience of strangers, faceless men who threw money at me for a show. But the way I said it — the soft lilt in my voice, the way I bit my lip, my eyes flicking to the camera with a hint of mischief — felt too real. It felt personal.

With his free hand, Nicholas reached into the front pocket of his sweatpants, fumbling to pull out his wallet. “Let’s make you talk, baby,” he whispered to himself as he pulled out his debit card with one hand, placing it between his teeth as he tossed his wallet aside.

Nicholas’s fingers trembled as he typed in his card information, his chest rising and falling with each shallow breath. He’d never done this before — never donated, never left any comments in chats, never tried to interact with anyone on these sites — but tonight was different. I was different. He needed to know. He needed to push.

His cursor hovered over the donation button for a moment before he clicked it, his heart pounding in his chest as he typed out his message. It wasn’t flashy or crude like the others; it was pointed, deliberate. He hit send.

NC17 donated $50: Who are you imagining, baby?

The donation notification popped up on my screen, and I froze, my eyes widening slightly behind the lace mask. I could feel the flush on my neck creep to my cheeks. Nicholas smirked, his hand wrapping around his cock again as he watched me squirm. He could tell I was thrown off, that the question had hit a little too close to home. The way I hesitated, the slight nervous laugh — it only made him harder.

I shifted on the bed, the rabbit vibrator still in my hand as I trailed it over my nipple, glancing at the chat hesitantly. “NC17, thank you,” I smiled nervously, a tiny moan escaping my lips as the vibrator worked the tip of my nipple on a low setting before dragging it down my stomach, then between my legs. “That’s a secret,” I replied breathily before smiling softly, “Funny username, though,” my voice had softened, carrying a teasing edge, but Nicholas caught the crack in it.

Nicholas’s smirk deepened, his hand moving faster along his length as he watched me squirm on screen. That crack in my voice wasn’t just from the teasing act — I  was flustered, genuinely caught off guard, and that knowledge sent a rush of satisfaction through him.

Funny username, huh? Of course, I wouldn’t recognize it. But he’d made me pause.

Nicholas’s free hand hovered over the keyboard again. His initial hesitation was gone now, replaced with something more daring, more possessive. He wanted to push further, wanted to see just how much I would let slip under the guise of anonymity.

NC17 donated $100: Spread those legs wider, baby. Does he know you think about him?

I bit my lip at the donation, my cheeks boiling hot as I obliged the viewer’s request. I spread my legs at the knees, giving the camera a perfect view of my my self. Nicholas’s breath hitched as he watched her glistening folds on full display. I let out a soft, shaky moan as I spread myself open with one hand and led the vibrator to my clit with the other. “No, he doesn’t,” I moaned as my eyes fluttered shut, my back arching against the pillows.

Nicholas groaned audibly at the sound of my voice vibrating in his ears, his hand gripping his cock with a newfound intensity as the words left my mouth. The admission echoed in his head, feeding the dark coil of desire and jealousy tightening in his chest. His strokes quickened as he watched me writhe on the screen, the vibrator pressed against my swollen clit as I let out a series of soft, breathy moans.

The possessiveness inside him surged. He couldn’t stop himself now, couldn’t tear his eyes away from the way my body moved, from the way I responded to the toy teasing me mercilessly. His free hand hovered over the keyboard, his need to push me further overriding any guilt or hesitation he might have felt.

NC17 donated $100: do you know him?

I read the donation but threw my head back in pleasure before I could answer, audibly moaning at the sensation of the vibrator circling my entrance while my free hand kneaded at my breast. “Uh-huh,” I whimpered.

ilike2fuck: stretch yourself out

cheekybasstard: god ur so perfect

m1lfluvr: fuuuck

Nicholas’s breath caught as he saw me falter, my body arching on the bed as I moaned in response to the chat’s demands. His grip tightened on himself, his strokes growing more erratic as he watched the screen. The way I answered his question, breathless and soft, set his mind ablaze. The way I whimpered, the way I let the vibrator tease me, was driving him insane. He wasn’t just watching now — he was consuming me, feeding on every sound, every movement.

My hands stilled for a moment, and I reached off-screen, grabbing a small bottle of lube from my nightstand. The slick sound of it being poured into my hand sent a fresh wave of heat coursing through Nicholas’s body, his cock twitching in his hand as he watched me stroke the vibrator with the jelly. “Not that I need it, but it never hurts,” I spoke quietly as I watched my hand spread the jelly over my cute toy.

“Shit,” Nicholas groaned through gritted teeth, his thumb brushing over the swollen head of his cock with every slick stroke.

His mind was racing, trying to piece my answer together. His stomach twisted with a mix of jealousy, desire, and something dangerously close to satisfaction. I knew him, whoever he was. Was it someone I worked with? Someone in our mutual circle? Or — god forbid — someone I was secretly seeing? The idea made his grip tighten, his strokes becoming rougher as his possessiveness took over.

His fingers flew over the keyboard, barely giving himself a moment to think.

NC17 donated $100: Tell me about him.

I leaned back against the pillows as I silently read his donation, the vibrator gliding slowly over my folds before dipping inside, my moan trembling and raw. “Fuck,” I whimpered, throwing my head back as my mouth fell open. “He’s… so fucking hot,” I breathed through my moans, inserting the entire vibrator into myself slowly before taking it out again and repeating the process. “God, so hot.”

The chat erupted in a flurry of commands and compliments, the dings of donations coming in a constant rhythm.

Nicholas’s jaw clenched as I moaned those words, his strokes faltering for a second before he tightened his grip and picked up his pace.

So fucking hot.

The way I said it, the way my voice cracked and my body arched on the screen, sent a surge of heat through him. But the thought of who I was talking about — the mystery man in my head — had his chest tightening with jealousy.

“Not good enough,” Nicholas muttered to himself, his eyes darkening as he watched me keep my answers vague.

His hand paused on his cock as he stared at the screen, his breathing heavy. His free hand hovered over the keyboard, typing furiously before sending another donation.

NC17 donated $150: What does he do to make you so wet?

Johnny88 donated $100: fuck yourself from behind

Nicholas’s jaw was tight as his donation slid to the top of the chat in bold. He watched my lips curl into a small smile, my cheeks flushing as I rolled myself over on my knees, lifting my hips in the air while I rested my face on the pillows, back arched to the max. I angled my head to look back over my shoulder to keep reading chat while I guided my vibrator under me, giving the camera the most salacious angle as I continued working myself.

“He’s so fucking cocky,” I whimpered, the words spilling from my lips as the toy disappeared inside me. “And he always calls me ‘baby.’”

Nicholas’s head fell back against the headboard at my confession, his free hand gripping the sheets beside him as he watched me. It was him. I was talking about him. And the realization sent a jolt of primal desire coursing through his body.

His strokes grew faster, more desperate, as I buried the vibrator inside me, my body trembling slightly with the sensation. My moans started to grow louder, more uninhibited. I whimpered, my free hand gripping the sheets as I teetered on the edge. “Shit,” I gasped, my body arching as I pushed the vibrator even deeper, the pleasure overwhelming. “Yes, yes—oh, fuck. Right there.”

Nicholas clenched his jaw, his strokes matching the rhythm of my movements on screen. His chest heaved, his mind consumed by the image of me — his sweet, shy friend — coming apart in front of him. Every moan, every gasp, every broken cry of pleasure drove him closer to the edge.

“God— sh—,” he groaned under his breath, his hand tightening around his dick. He muttered endless curses under his breath as I thrusted the vibrator in and out, my glistening slickness catching the light from my laptop and candles just perfectly. He couldn’t stop. Not now.

On screen, my body tensed, my back arching as the vibrator brought me closer and closer to release. “God, yes,” I whimpered, my voice trembling. “He’s so—fuck—so perfect.”

Nicholas’s eyes darkened, his grip tightening as he leaned closer to the screen, his other hand trembling as he typed another message, desperate to push me further.

NC17 donated $200: Tell me how you want him, baby.

The donation notification flashed on the screen, bold and demanding. My breath hitched audibly, my gaze flicking to the chat. My cheeks flushed behind the mask, my lips parting as if to speak, but the words caught in my throat.

The chat exploded with messages, urging me to answer, but Nicholas only cared about one thing — my reaction. He could see the hesitation, the nervous flicker in my expression as I glanced at the camera. And then, finally, I spoke.

“I want him everywhere,” I whispered, my voice breathy and raw. My free hand trembled as it gripped the sheets tighter. “I want him to kiss me, touch me, take control… I want him to fuck me so hard I forget my own name.”

Nicholas let out a low, guttural groan, his hips bucking into his hand as my words pushed him to the brink. I whimpered on screen, my body trembling as the vibrator worked me relentlessly. “Yes,” I gasped, my voice breaking as I teetered on the edge. “Fuck—I’m all his. Only his. S-so close,” I muffled into the pillows.

Nicholas’s strokes grew frantic, his breathing ragged as he felt himself losing control. He couldn’t stop now, not when I was so close, not when the thought of being the one to make me fall apart consumed him.

NC17 donated $500: say his name when you finish and I’ll double it

My moans hitched at the sight of the donation flashing across the screen. My chest heaved as I pressed the vibrator even harder against myself, the vibrations sending shockwaves through my body. The chat went wild, messages flooding in, but all I could focus on was that one donation — that one command.

Say his name.

My fingers trembled, my grip on the toy faltering for a moment as I let out a shaky breath. My body burned with pleasure, my mind spinning with a thousand thoughts, and yet, all of them led back to him. My lips parted, but no sound came out at first. The knot in my stomach tightened, my thighs quivering as I teetered on the edge of release.

Nicholas’s hand froze mid-stroke, his entire body tense and his cock pulsing — begging for friction — as he waited. His chest rose and fell rapidly, his heart pounding like a drum in his ears. He leaned closer to the screen, his grip on himself almost painful as he hung on to my every movement, every sound.

“Come on, baby,” he whispered under his breath, continuing to stroke himself slowly as he leaned back against the pillows. “Say it. Say my fucking name. I know you can do it.”

My entire body trembled, the heat building inside me threatening to consume every last thought in my mind. The chat blurred in my peripheral vision as my head fell back, a low, guttural moan escaping my lips. The vibrator pulsed against my clit, my hips moving in time with its rhythm as I teetered dangerously close to the edge.

Nicholas’s name burned on the tip of my tongue, the demand in the donation rattling around in my head. The promise of doubling the already insane amount made my breath hitch, but it wasn’t just about the money — it was him. His name. The thought of saying it out loud while I came, letting it slip for somebody’s entertainment when I have only ever yelled it for myself, made my pulse race.

I gasped sharply, my hips bucking as the vibrator hit just the right spot. “Yes,” I moaned, my voice high and breathy, trembling with need. My free hand gripped the sheets tighter, my body writhing on the bed as I edged closer and closer. “Oh, fuck. I’m—”

Nicholas clenched his jaw, his strokes quickening. His cock throbbed in his hand, pre-cum slicking his length as he watched me come undone. The chat was exploding with comments, but he didn’t care about any of them. All he cared about was me — and that donation.

I buried my face in the pillow for a moment, muffling a desperate, trembling moan as the vibrations coursed through me, pushing me closer to the edge. My entire body was taut, teetering between pleasure and release, the tension unbearable. Lifting my head slightly, I turned toward the camera, my cheeks flushed deep red beneath the lace mask.

And then it happened.

The knot in my stomach snapped, and a loud, raw cry tore from my lips. My body arched, every muscle trembling as waves of pleasure crashed over me. “Nicholas!” I cried out, my voice breaking as I came, his name spilling from my lips like it was the most natural thing in the world, because it was. My entire body convulsed and dropped onto the bed, violently trembling from pure pleasure.

Nicholas froze, his entire body locking up as the sound of his name filled his headphones. “I—Fuck!” Nicholas’s eyes fluttered shut as he growled, his hand gripping himself tightly as my orgasm unraveled in front of him. My moans, my trembling thighs, the way I arched my back and collapsed onto the bed in the aftershocks — it was too much, and he let go.

A guttural groan tore from his throat, his cock twitching in his hand as he came, his release spilling over his fist and shirt in hot, sticky spurts. His head fell back against the headboard, his breathing ragged and heart pounding against his ribs as he rode out the waves of his orgasm, utterly spent. “Good girl,” he quietly panted.

When he opened his eyes, I was still trembling and avoiding the camera’s gaze, my body slowly relaxing as I came down from the high. My cheeks were flushed, my breathing heavy, my hair a little mussed from the mask’s elastic band slipping off just so, and there was a small, satisfied smile tugging at my lips. “Fuck, that was amazing,” I whispered.

Nicholas reached for a box of tissues on his nightstand and wiped his hand and tried to clean as much of his shirt as he could, then reached for the beer bottle on his nightstand and took a swig to quench his thirst, a small smirk on the corner of his lips.

I reached for a tissue from the nightstand, cleaning up the toy and myself before glancing back at the camera. The chat lit up with more comments and donations, all of them praising my performance but I only had one thing on my mind.

“Where’s that donation you promised, NC17?” I asked with a coy smile, rolling over on my stomach and tossing my vibrator aside.

Nicholas chuckled under his breath, his chest still rising and falling heavily. He shook his head, leaning forward to type on the keyboard. He typed in the payment details again, adding the promised donation with a smirk tugging at his lips. His cursor hovered over the “send” button for a beat longer than necessary before he clicked it.

NC17 donated $1,000: You earned it, baby. Don’t spend it all at once.

The notification flashed on my screen, bold and unmistakable. My eyes widened slightly and I froze, my breath hitching audibly as I stared at the amount. The most I had ever made in a single stream — in a single donation. The chat immediately erupted with reactions, some congratulatory, others envious that it hadn’t been them to make the donation, but I barely noticed them.

“Holy shit,” I breathed, sitting up slightly and brushing my hair back, my fingers trembling as I adjusted the mask that had slipped slightly during the stream. “NC17, you are the best. Oh, my god! Thank you, thank you, thank you. That’s… wow. You’re amazing.”

Nicholas leaned back against the headboard, his smirk deepening as he watched my reaction. The way my voice trembled with gratitude, the way I bit my lip nervously — it was all too much, too intoxicating. It sent a thrill through him, knowing he was the one making me react like that.

“Damn straight,” he muttered to himself, running a hand through his damp hair as he reached for his beer again. He took a long swig, his eyes never leaving the screen as I began to wind down the stream. His chest still heaved slightly, his body thrumming with the aftershocks of everything that had just happened.

“I think that’s it for tonight,” I said softly, my voice carrying that familiar mix of shyness and playfulness. “Thank you all for being here. And thank you again, NC17. You’ve been… incredible.” My eyes flicked to the chat one last time, lingering on his username before I smiled and waved. “Goodnight, everybody. Sweet dreams,” I blew a kiss to the camera.

sweetdream has ended the stream.

With that, I leaned forward and ended the stream, the screen fading to black. I sat back against my headboard, letting out a shaky breath as I pulled off the lace mask. My cheeks were still flushed, my heart pounding in my chest as I stared at the laptop, the donation total lingering in the corner of the screen.

Across town, Nicholas shut his own laptop with a quiet click and pulled off his earphones, tossing both aside and running a hand down his face once reality started to creep back in. He’d just crossed a line — one he couldn’t uncross. He’d watched me, his friend, in a way that was impossible to forget. And worse, I’d said his name. Called out for him while I fell apart on camera, in front of God knows how many strangers. Even worse, he’d dropped over two thousand dollars just to see it happen.

He ran a hand through his hair, his jaw tightening. He knew he’d have to face me eventually. Knew he wouldn’t be able to keep this secret forever. But for now, he let the smirk linger, his mind already spinning with how to handle the situation.

“Sweet dreams, baby,” he muttered under his breath, his voice low and teasing as he reached for his beer.

[rainbow-banana-slug]

eye strain warning

gummy 🌈🐬

[plain text: gummy 🌈rainbow emoji🐬dolphin emoji]

(^ shark emoji not blue enough)

[id: dark skinned black person with williams syndrome in decora kei fashion walk with posterior walker. person have pink hair with rainbow bangs n all sorts hair clips in hair & stickers on cheek. have many rainbow necklace include one with double yoke egg. wear blue sweater with white cloud where one sleeve is yellow horse with pink leash thing. there many pins on sweater include gummies (gummy shark, peach ring, gummy worm, gummy bear) & green crayons & others. she wear cross body green dino plushie (bag?). rainbow vertical stripe pants with rainbow n star chain. one shoe red one shoe blue. posterior walker made of different color crayons. there text around character describe her which be functionally described below. end id]

🌈🐬.

girl (complicated gender) with williams syndrome n love decora kei fashion & bright colors (she call them happy colors/excited colors)!! she has lotssss of bows n head pieces n hair clips n necklaces n bracelets n other decoration & big wardrobe with bright colored clothing! she love wear different outfits but it consistently decora kei.

she love gummy candy & named herself after them >:) blue/red gummy worm & blue gummy shark her favorites (blue gummy shark also my favorite. to look at.)

williams syndrome (also known as williams-beuren syndrome) is genetic developmental disorder micro-deletion of some of chromosome 7. for gummy, WS lead her have moderate intellectual disability (ID) & global developmental delay, level 2 autism, ADHD-c; congenital heart defects (CHD); hypotonia (low muscle tone), & loose joints.

like many people with WS, gummy very friendly & social! she love hugs & talking to people & talk lot & very physical in show affection! but also often struggle tell when other people not want be social / be social with her, be called “a lot” & “too much,” which lead her have trouble make n keep friends n make her sad—even tho WS make her extra outgoing, she also still get sad n mad n not hide it. she also struggle with danger awareness & often treat strangers like would with friend, n it been something that her support team very focused on work with her entire life because this lead her be very easily taken advantage of n be put in danger.

also like many ppl with williams syndrome, language & verbal abilities her strong suit—tho it’s relative to her moderate ID, so one shouldn’t expect she write speak communicate like average person without struggle. her words more simple, n still need many help for communication, including various form of AAC & aide person.

she has aides that pretty much 24/7 present because WS & moderate ID but working on skills so can be more independent! it something she been work very hard on entire life n she quite proud of progress.

she has many classic facial features associate with williams syndrome, like epicanthal folds at eye, upturned nose, wide mouth & small teeth, small jaw, full cheeks (badly drawn), n large ears.

70% or more people with WS have some sort cardiovascular problem, n so do gummy. she has supravalvar aortic stenosis (narrowing of aorta) which form of congenital heart defect (CHD). hers not very severe n be closely monitored.

she also have hypotonia & loose joints due to WS & uses posterior walker full time to get around. she really like her posterior walker, it shaped like many crayons :D also wear SMOs but forgot write it so oops

art fight character profile

[reblog welcome but please no repost]

[kanmom51]

Like Crazy - new insights

*This is a reposting of my latest reblog due to issues with that specific post.

***This has been sitting in my drafts since April 2023!!!

This is the post I reblogged and the basis to my own post.

Yep. I had some of a post written way back in April 2023, but the pieces just didn't come all together for me.

After Muse's release and specifically after the BTB yesterday where JM discussed Who, Muse and the lyrics, we also saw the change made to Who's lyrics from "you" to "she" things started to clear up for me. But then, a friend also shared a picture of the original lyrics of Like Crazy, which were subsequently altered before recording. We discussed these changes and I now feel that this is it! This is the missing piece to my post.

I mostly left what I wrote over a year ago in tact, adding the missing pieces to this puzzle that makes this post with what I feel is a little more insight into Like crazy.

Needless to say, these are my opinions, how I see the lyrics, the ones that made the cut and the ones that stayed in JM's lyrics journal.

So, let's get started:

Here I was thinking I'm the only one who was seeing this...

I do hope I'm reading this right, before going off motormouth about something that maybe isn't what is being said, but to hell with it, this is something I've been thinking too and I'm just gonna come out and say it.

We're all over 18 here right?

This is a subject we can talk about?

The more I listen to this song, the more I think it to be true too.

First of all, before starting off, I want to link this ask:

**Shock and awe... "she" wasn't part of the original lyrics for Like Crazy . Colour me surprised to learn the same is true with Who (even though JM didn't actually write the song himself). Oh, and if we are on that subject already, how not surprising to see the process of writing the song with John Billion, who happens to be one of the writers of SNTY as well (me sitting here thinking of several words and references that could have been somehow suggested and inserted into the song. No idea who (nah, I'm telling lies, I know exactly who). How shocking (NOT) to see that the artist actually had input with the song lyrics of which he is not credited in writing.

Again, the depth of the song, the layers to the song and the multiple interpretations too.

JM told us this song is about him struggling. He told us he was going through a period where he was drinking too much. He was finding fulfillment in ways other than performing, as performing is part of him, he is a performer, someone who needs the stage to express himself. The stage is where he is at peace, the stage being a piece of him that he was missing.

We saw his outburst of emotions in the first day of MOTS ON:E (that was my first experience of BTS and he literally broke my heart - and later seeing him being mocked for it infuriated me).

This was October 2020, around 6 months into the pandemic. The uncertainty. This is their first online performance and from there until Muster another 9 months go by. We know from Festa 2022 that the pandemic screwed up all of their plans. The uncertainty, working on and releasing BE and then Butter and PTD everything leading up to the PTD online concert, a year after MOTS ON:E. For those that performing is their life, standing in front of an audience and giving it their all, it's a hard pill to swallow. The unknown, if they will ever get back to perform on stage in front of a live audience, when this is who they are, their essence, it can be unbearable. JM wasn't the only performer to go through this. It's just that he shared this with us. He showed us his pain and vulnerability and was mocked for it by many. Shame on them!!!

So, again, JM told us with Like Crazy, that he was filling in that hole. Alcohol was mentioned by him specifically. But listening to the song, I think it's quite clear that sex was a very big part of it as well. Looking for that rush, that high. It's clear as day, for me anyway, in the lyrics.

(I think we could last forever I'm afraid that everything will disappear Just trust me)

[Verse 1] She's saying Baby, don't think about it There's not a bad thing here tonight Baby, you can leave it Stay with me until today

[Verse 2] Watch me go Wet me all night (Away) And morning too Don't come if you're drunk

In this loud music It fades me It's a drama-like story I'm get used to it Have you come far to find me that you used to know? Yeah, I know You know, I know (Ooh)

[Chorus] I'd rather be Lost in the lights Lost in the lights I'm outta my mind It holds to the end of this night Every night You spin me up high The moon that embraces you Let me have a taste

[Post-Chorus] Give me a good ride (Oh, I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin') It's gon' be a good night (Oh, I'm fallin') Forever you and I

[Interlude] Mmm-hmm Yeah, hey Mmm-hmm Ooh-woah Mmm-hmm Mmm-hmm (Forever, you and I)

[Verse 3] Me reflects in the mirror I'm going crazy without hesitation I'm feelin' so alive, wasting time

I'd rather be Lost in the lights Lost in the lights I'm outta my mind It holds to the end of this night Every night You spin me up high The moon that embraces you Let me have a taste

[Post-Chorus] Give me a good ride (Oh, I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin') It's gon' be a good night (Oh, I'm fallin') Forever you and I

[Outro] This will break me This is gonna break me (Break me) No, don’t you wake me (Wake me) I wanna stay in this dream, don't save me Don't you try to save me (Save me) I need a way we (Way we) I need a way we can dream on (On, on, on)

Those are the lyrics he recorded.

But you see, there were changes made to the lyrics he was working on originally, and we got to see some of them.

This specifically:

Reading this draft and the final ones there are a few things that just fall into place for me (and I'd think for anyone that reads them), loud and clear:

First of all, obviously JM is singing about drinking too much alcohol. If the final lyrics hinted to losing himself in alcohol, the draft lyrics are ever so clear regarding that point.

Second of all, the sex. I think JM was pretty straight forward using the wording he was using. "Give me a good ride" can be other things, if you twist it around to try and explain it away, but bottom line, those lines within the context of the lines in the draft, like "just go turn off the light, you and me..." not to mention the whole chorus, to me the reference is obvious.

Next, I talked about the many references to JK in this song in this post:

This is all also relevant when it comes to my next point being the fact that to me it's clear that JM wrote this song referencing a special someone with whom he shares a high level of intimacy. A special someone that was there by his side when JM was struggling. A special someone that was struggling seeing JM going through everything he was.

To that person JM wrote (in the draft): "oh baby don't you cry, just wanna see your smile..."

These lines, they were too much. Too obvious. Too intimate. And they were left out probably because of just that.

So JM went with other lines. A little less obvious perhaps, and yet still very telling. The finale of the song:

No, don’t you wake me (Wake me) I wanna stay in this dream, don't save me Don't you try to save me (Save me) I need a way we (Way we) I need a way we can dream on (On, on, on)

Now, you could claim that the song is about an inner struggle. JM struggling with himself, talking to himself, and yes, that could very much be part of the message JM, the king of layering, is going for. But see, that's exactly the point. JM is the king of layering, of having several meanings and messages within his lyrics and creations. And this is not different. There is no mistaking the reference to another person, not JM himself, in the lyrics. The way he uses the "you" in the lyrics, at times could pass as you being the alcohol, at times the you being himself in the mirror, but at times it's clearly a third party he is talking to. Especially in that finale to the song, that someone that wants to lift him out of that stupor he is in, to wake him up, to save him, when he is unwilling, not ready to accept that help just yet (same person he asks not to cry, knowing that he is making them sad). There are also the clear JK references in this song. The "you are me I am you" being the loudest of them all.

But JM being JM, he showed us in his own way what this song was about, opening up and allowing us to see his drafts.

And then he gave us Letter. Hidden, and private and intimate. Addressed not to us, but to that person that was always there by his side, that person he addresses in Like Crazy telling him "forever you and I". Now, in Letter, being in a better, healthier place, he can repeat the sentiment of them together forever. A sentiment JK had mentioned in the past (omg, that was so very awkward).

And now using lines like : "I sincerely hope we are forever" and "But don’t forget that we’re always together"...

The lyrics, the sentiments, the drafted lyrics that never made it, like the use of "Dangshin", I have talked about it all. Letter was for JK. Period.

When seeing Like Crazy again, the lyrics, the struggle, the person by his side, the intimacy, and Letter, I'm kind of thinking that not only is Letter a love ode to JK. That is stating the obvious. But it's also JM's acknowledgement and thank you to that person that stood by his side in his most difficult of times.

JK.

Bottom line:

Like crazy is about JM struggling and self medicating with alcohol and sex.

It's personal about himself, his struggles, but also includes a person that is there by his side, one he is highly intimate with, one who is there with him together. That person is there, spending the nights with him, in that escape world JM created for himself. Sad seeing JM struggle, trying to find a way to help JM out of that pit but being unable to do so, staying by JM's side all the same.

We know who that person is.

Same person he addresses Letter to.

[juniperdugong]

Stitch me up!

Pairing: Stein x GN!reader (Established Relationship) Genre: Fluff CW: Injury mentions, use of needles WC: 422

Day 6 of To Halloween with Love Event

A/N: Gasp! An actual (acceptable) drabble length for the drabble event?

"Ow!" You wince as you bring your leg up and onto the bed.

"Stay still. You'll get more hurt if you move..."

"hmph-" You muster a small pout as Stein drags himself across the floor by his rolling chair with surgical thread and needle in hand.

"Don't sulk. I mean unless the reason you're sulking is because you got your first wound from training and not by me-"

"Stein! Be serious." He reaches out for your messed-up leg with a smirk.

"Sorry, sorry." You look down on him from your position and furrow your gaze. It's not like he wasn't right. You did feel a bit of disappointment getting hurt like this. "But realistically, you shouldn't have gotten hurt today."

"Right. As if it was something I could control, Mr. perfection." You bite your lip and tense as he brings the needle and thread up to your flesh.

"Don't do that, anticipate the pain but don't fear it. Also- You totally could've controlled it."

"Well I- AHH!" You yelp as he pierces through and grab at Stein's hand to halt his actions.

"We won't get anywhere if you keep stopping me." He keeps his hands in position to continue but the rest of his body relaxes to address you. "I'll give you as many forgiveness hugs and healing kisses as you want after this."

"Liar."

"Why would I lie?" There's a lilt in his tone that you know could mean anything, that monotone inflection that tells you he can't be read.

"Fine..." You release the grip on his hands and immediately you scream out with pain as he holds your leg down with his arms and finishes his job. Swift but not without some force on his end.

Stein ties off the knot with a practiced ease and grabs a towel and bottle of alcohol. You lurch at the contact as the burning alcohol hits your skin but is wiped off as soon as it lands with a warm towel.

You sink into yourself, curling your knees upward as you admire your partner's work right below your left knee. "I wouldn't have tripped if you hadn't come into the room so abruptly..." you say in a hushed tone.

"You have to learn to expect the unexpected..." He rolls around the room putting everything back in its place before wheeling back towards you. Stein stands and drops down next to you, scooping you in his arms with a heavy sigh, "Alright, like I said hugs and kisses in exchange for forgiveness. How many?"

A/N: Lol I'm working double time to get the other fics out rn. I have had such a rough patch lately... But I don't want to take a hiatus ;-; Not me writing for a fandom on here that is largely based elsewhere. Hope this finds the right ppl 🤞

Please Reblog and Comment (They act as power-ups for me)

[improbable-outset]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Spread the self-love ₊ ✩

LAURO🥹🥹 How are you?? Thank you for the ask!! You too, T @tarjapearce !!

Here are my answers:

Magnet (Kenji Sato)

This is my first Kenji Sato fic that I’m currently fixating over 🥹🥹 I’m a sucker for mutual pinning especially if it’s from the male pov. This man is presented as egotistical in the film but I wanted to highlight his inner insecurities especially when it comes to being around his crush haha

In Sickness and In Health (Miguel O’Hara)

This was a vent fic that I wanted to share and I was surprised how much people actually ate this up. I guess a lot of people can relate for the overstimulation here that reader was experiencing and I just love how they ended in sexy time

Static in the Air (Miguel O’Hara)

Post-divorce trope is my Roman Empire !!! The tension. Miguel’s jealousy in here!!! The smut!! Also I just love their interaction here and the rollercoaster of emotions

Meet Cute (Miguel O’Hara)

Nothing too extraordinary, just some fluff and some flirting from reader <33 but still hold a special place in my soul

Prolactin (Francis Mosses)

Omg I wrote this on a whim and I got so many kudos on this on ao3 💀 I didn’t realise ppl will like this so much. Lactation kink with your 1950s milkman husband…nothing much also I the surprise look on my face when I saw you reblog that one looool

Here’s my Ultimate Masterlist where you can find more of my writing from different fandoms <33

[mermaidslabyrinth]

Thank you HotD Fandom

I have been writing since I was around 11. All my works would stay in notebooks, on my word document, or printed out on paper and stashed away. I did post my first fic when I was around 13. Then sporadically through the years. The last time I posted any writing of mine was 10 years ago. But I’m trying to open up more with my writing, creative thoughts, by exposing my work little by little. And out of all the fandoms I’ve been in, it was the HotD fandom, the people I found, that made me feel comfortable enough to do so. Also, I’ve never been more proud or had more love for an OC I’ve created before Rhagerys. I’ve commissioned pieces of art of him, something I have never done with an OC before, and I am quite excited for that. 

So my thanks to all the HotD fans that I have had the pleasure of interacting with (following, being mutuals, reblogging their posts through someone I follow). I have had such a wonderful time and do hope to continue to do so.  I decided to write this because who knows what the future will bring. And I wanted people to know just how much they can make an impact.

Many thanks to: 

@emilykaldwen her ask started it all and I will always be grateful for that. for she was the one who helped me step away from the corner and join in with the other creators. It’s a slow process but I am getting there. 

@selfproclaimedunicorn seeing your OC tags on regular posts emboldened me to start doing the same. It’s another, subtle, way for my work to be put out in the universe. Doing so has even helped me flesh my OMC more in the tags of certain posts. 

@happilyhertale for her wonder writing (I will reblog them. They are on my list). And her continued supply of Daemon/Matt posts. They keep me going with writing Daemon scenes.

@ewanmitchellcrumbs for that ask she answered very recently about just going for it with your writing. It inspired me.

@thought--bubble for being such a lovely person. Your writing skills are top notch (your stories are on my list). 

@vhagar-balerion-meraxes you helped me from being a wallflower to slowly coming in and joining along with the rest. You were the first person in the HotD fandom to extend a hand and pull me into the fun. You make beautiful gif sets. You are very sweet. I appreciate that I was able to find your blog. 

@sylasthegrim I know I don’t show it but I am so happy I follow you. You are slowly converting me to a Cregan appreciator. Like I get it. Your stories are so creative (I will read them they are on the list) and you are so open and kind in your inbox. 

@multiverse-of-multifandoms your fantastic gif making. You help me feel comfortable when I’m joining in on the fun. 

@livmondcole you are one of the sweetest ppl I’ve been lucky enough to follow. You show patience and kindness through your words. 

@dr-aegon you are one of the reasons I was able to get a commission of my OMC. I checked your blog one night and you had a reblog of someone who opened up commissions. They are working on it now, I’ve seen the line work and I’m excited, and I have you to thank for it. Besides that you are one of the reasons that I started to really like Aegon. I see how much you care for him and it warmed my heart and the little disaster did as well. 

And even though she is no longer part of the fandom: peachysunrize was such a wonderful person to follow and read her stories and read the asks ppl would send her. 

Honestly all my HotD mutuals. 

Also shout out to the artists, your works are amazing to see. And shout out to the other fic writers, your writing is enjoyed by many people who like reading about their favorite characters. And the gif makers, the creativity and patience you have. The sets I have seen have blown me away. I know all of these are talents that need to be praised more. The work you all bring to the fandom is always such a gift.

[girlreblogger]

also to add to my previous post, when i say blk yn go through crazy situations im exaggerating but i mean (“cause me personally!!!!!!!!!!!”) allowing the character to be treated in certain manner and be put in “awkward” positions. i also want to say that the “situations” seem unfulfilling like i wanted to say in the first place.

because of the unsavory situations she is put in she legit has to have characteristics that are straight up unnecessary if the wellbeing of her character was prevalent. and i have to say that because of blk yn stories that it applies to. (and no ian talking abt how ppl be complaining abt yn being “ghetto” 😒)

drama, comfort, or for fun, is cool and dandy but it’s the same type of thing and i’m not tryna come for the plug stories like don’t nbgaf like omg i’m so tired of hearing bout them freaking stories.

to the ppl who still decide to ignore how damaging fr CERTAIN! blk yn fics y’all remind me of the ppl who support tyler perry movies simply because it’s for entertainment and “he’s telling a story” (that not everyone has)

yep. those things are true but an impact worse than good is being produced. like bffr.

and i feel conflicted by even saying that because some ppl obviously genuinely relate or find comfort in those stories but at what cost. like is comfort worth change and progression?

me rn:

some ppl just really don’t gaf and don’t care to want better. please don’t let the ppl who don’t gaf sway you. for the ppl who do, reblog nice fics or write. blow them up so other blk girls can find them. we deserve it.

there are so many blk fics where yn is not going through those things and if there is “drama” is solved or there’s a healthy resolve. (there’s so many blk writers who need to be publishing books fuck tumblr or ao3 and tryna get reblogs. with all that talent girl MAKE SOME MONEYYYY! YALL STUFF BE GOOD.)

i’m dead serious. why haven’t you thought abt it.

but yeah. it is what it is we have to put more work in to change as people in general. but i really just want my ppl to grow. ppl find comfort in fics for a reason. i really think a good balance of what everyone is looking for and needs should be found. i know ppl gonna feel like ppl telling them what to do but they prolly the ones who don’t want the change for wtv.. reason… ahem..

ppl feeling hit by what i said:

there’s obviously a problem and as a ppl! why can’t we just fix it. like at least try.

side note:

there’s so many ways to get drama. also the smut after arguing piss me off this is off topic cause it applies to a lot of ppl who make fics but like damn. y’all ain’t gon talk it out. and it be the most weird arguments and stuff and you wanna squeeze lemons after that???

idk that annoys me like everyyyy time? and i think smut after arguments can be well written but ….

anyways the blk ff community to damn big for us to be sitting here starving acting like we don’t have food in the refrigerator to make something.

get it together yall. youn want what’s in the refrigerator go get your keys and buy something.

i’m tired of this shit that’s why so many blk writers stop writing or ppl stop reading because it’s too much going on all for some damn fake characters we wanna imagine ourselves with.

and i know for some ppl it’s abt the followers and all that which i mean to each is own i mean

sigh i was tryna be proper and cordial but i really want better for us but it’s so many ppl who go too far or do too little. and some are so sheep that they go with someone else’s opinion too. you know you tired of all the toxic fics say sumn. you know you tired of ppl constantly bringing up yn being ghetto for no reason (that shit piss me off so bad i can’t. they be so close but so farr) say sumn.

me after thinking someone finna bring up how unnecessary struggle love/toxic/extra smutty blk fics are but they end up just complaining abt yn using aave:

anyways i’m ranting. i wanted to say what i felt.

muah

[ghostboyhood]

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

A boy lays in his bed with headphones on listening to the same song he has been for hours. His eyes are sunken in and he is visibly tired.

The camera pans to the boys face. He sighs, looks directly into the camera, and closes his eyes.

Cut to black.

☆ Name - Ghost / Kurt / Trevor

★ Pronouns - He/Him

☆ Sexuality - Queer

★ heyy!! this is mainly a place of whatever my current hyperfixation,, i talk a lot about a lot very incoherently so bear with me..

☆ my dms are open but if you make me uncomfortable ill just block you! i do enjoy talking to people, i just have a rough time starting conversations because i dont want to be annoying.. i also have a very hard time getting my thoughts into coherent sentences.. but dont hesitate to dm or send me an ask !! oh and close moots can ask for my insta <3

★ right now im really into green day and my chemical romance!!! im currently watching white collar !!

☆ i love tv show and movie recommendations,, i cant guarantee ill watch it 100% but i bet ill eventually get to it one day.. i plan on watching succession, the good place, and interview with the vampire sometime.. i also love talking about tv shows/movies with people so Pleaseee talk to me about ur interests or my interests or whatever, i luv listening to ppl infodump!!!

★ some other things im into areee - house md, its always sunny in philadelphia, breaking bad, bobs burgers, good omens, all of john mulaneys specials, velvet goldmine, brokeback mountain, rocky horror picture show, saw (2004), fight club, dead poets society, a quiet place (all three), deadpool (+ wolvie), the outsiders (book mostly), many more movies just ask, life is strange, i plan on beginning detroit become human, dan and phil, danny gonzalez, kurtis conner, drew gooden, markiplier, and a lot of other things i just.. havent written down

@faileddog ^ (mona, joel, and i watching american psycho)

☆ i love love love love music with my whole heart,, i listen to most genres but i go through phases of only listening to specific songs/genres/albums/etc

★ my favorite artist is vundabar!! they have been for years now i love them so much

☆ right now ive been in a slight music rut so ive been listening to the same songs over and over on my main playlist i have..

★ some artists i like include - they might be giants, pure sport, ween, the frights, stephen sanchez, my chemical romance, green day, david bowie, the beatles, nirvana, system of a down, sign crushes motorist/birth day, lord huron, the magnetic fields, alex g, deftones, childish gambino, twist off!, etc etc

☆ if u wanna go listen to any of my playlists ☆

★ hmm what elsee,, im really into punk rock n i go to a lot of punk shows!! concerts are like my favorite thing and ive seen 20+ people live <3

☆ as i said i luv movies, i want to work on movies one day as a cinematographer or maybe even director.. my dream is to make my own movie. i would also like to be a concert photographer because i love photography and yeah!!!

★ ouhh i also love queer history, history in general but mostly queer history.. i love learning about the past and how life was for people.. im mainly intrigued by like the 70s-90s but honestly anything in the 20th century..

☆ i could talk about some of my favorite characters for hours,, i get Really invested in usually one show at a time though so its hard to invest myself in things that arent.. that fixation

★ i dont wanna write down all the guys i like but you'll definitely be able to tell because i wont shut up about them and my reblogs will mostly be them...

☆ credit- @hopelesshardrockfan for my banner

[dilfhos]

sooo this is gonna be a messy rant on the observations ive made between different writer communities, blog interactions and overall “status”. just silly little things I’ve noticed in my 4+ years being on tumblr btwn 2 diff blogs. and this is about no one specific, a very generalized post so if you find urself offended i honestly dont know what to tell you?? :o do better ig. & if you relate, i feel for you. TLDR @/end.

i dont like interacting/ building connections with people but not for the reasons ppl think. im not stuck up or pretentious or weird or anything. just another anime-enjoyer who loves to write in her free time. nobody special by a longshot!! i enjoy writing, always have since before i was a teen. (wasn’t always ff tho!).

but over the years ive just noticed fandom writing has its gritty sides that no one talks about often and its no mystery why so many prolific/ popular writers deactivated, me included. i had some shitty experiences and have seen friends go bc of it.

firstly, I’ve noticed, once you start interacting and building friendships with people, it’s easier to see the bigger perspective of where ppl stand and the blatant hierarchy of friendships and groups. same applies to that outside. like its literally just me n’ my bsf then my acquaintances bc mfs be weirddd omg its like cults or something. like thats why initially I didn’t interact w/anyone starting on my new blog. that n’ fear of drama following from my last blog ugh. ‘Cept the few i’ve met on my old blog (like my wifey)

not to mention i have bad anxiety. and sometimes im cue-deaf. i dont always pick up what people put down and vice versa and it makes me conscious in a lot of my interactions. so a part of me doesn’t want to interact at all to avoid all awkwardness and possible miscommunications. that’s not to say i don’t notice subtle changes in interactions after one situation / conversation or so forth, that in myself or witnessed between other ppl. (im perceptive, just not that good conversationalist lol. like i really have to try.)

but then…if you don’t interact with people on here, your chances of building an audience or a reader base is slim to none. the likelihood of developing relationships is zip. because you’re already perceived and pegged as just another tumblr writer. pause. to clarify, a writer who doesn’t want any recognition or interactions from mutuals or new friends. or just a lonely writer? a introverted, lonely writer. which leads to little to none interactions (anons, reblogs, moots —exposure.)

so then its like you’re kinda placed btwn a rock n a hard place. and there’s absolutely no problem with that! in fact this is the best part—meeting friends and like-minded people! people that make being online all the more worth it right? thirsting over fictional characters and sharing in each other’s works!

but you have to be in specific circles it seems. but then you can’t imply that you want to be in those circles bc then you’re desperate.

but well, then you cant purposefully want to be independent or be on your own or else you’re a hater, hypocrite or stuck up. not to mention, no one will reblog your stuff lol. no one will interact fr, and you’re friendless essentially. and god forbid if you disagree on something as if opinions don’t exist btw! then you’re being ganged up on. (like omg grow up!)

but then if you reach out you’re seen as trying to wedge in or kiss ass? you interact and follow and you’re ignored or left hanging? (bc im gonna touch your hand when i say this—it never gave fan, your majesty of horny nerds) and this is about ALL the writing communities and fandoms—spicy content, black content and dark content. ALL.

yet no one wants to talk about the pregnant elephant in the room—bias. and favoritism. also people seem to have a hard time being direct with how they’re feeling toward/about someone ( in a good or bad way) which in turn leads to a lot of miscommunication and subliminal attacks. (not to mention hate anons? one of my moots just had her inbox flooded w/them recently, ew.)

you can lead a horse to water AND you can write a 500-word essay on the observations made on tumblr writers as a whole. (a long ass post on the truth on behalf of those feeling this too)

also, slapping a HEY LOOK AT ME! IM A WRITER WHO WANTS INTERACTION AND FRIENDS! on a blog is frankly embarrassing. it shouldn’t even take all that seeing how easy it is for others wanting the same thing.

or doing less to achieve the same result.

not to mention, yall shit on ppl who essentially feel this way altogether bc you peg them as sb who doesn’t “try” or just jealous when their own works are phenomenally written themselves. ive seen it. and ive lived it. never gave jealousy baby.

at the end of the day, we’re all writers— either longterm or hobbyists. (personally, im longterm) self-indulgent or not! and its absolutely amazing when people are being fair in how they spread love and feedback to their writers.

Secondly, its not news that people have to want to reblog your fics so that their followers can reblog, so they can reblog, and their followers can reblog and so forth. but ppl honestly dont care atp bc once they’ve already read it, they owe you nothing. and apparently asking for reblogs is crass and bold. (imma do it anyway) but putting your very all into a story just to turn and see a half-thought out hc soaring 3k in 2hrs and 5k in a day — you have to stfu, open your ass and take it. keep it cute!

you’re getting fucked after all!!

because if you complain—you’re just jealous and lazy and uncreative!! and i hate that to seem like a writer worth a damn, you have to change up your writing style every two weeks to fit in with trending waves.

“no more poetic long fics, nobody’s into that! short, snappy slutty shots are all the rage!” “ppl are only into these specific tropes but you can’t exceed 2k words!” “only add trending characters to these hcs! ppl love them only!” “don’t write too much about a specific character or else ill unfollow you!” its exhausting.

i am well within my right as a literary artist to desire more feedback and interaction on anything i put out. period. and you are too! 🫵

God, im tired of that stupid, ‘you have to enjoy your writing for yourself and not worry about notes’ line. i do love my writing! don’t get me wrong there’s nobody id rather write like if not myself fr. not to mention the inspiration i draw from famous literary authors. however, i would love feedback and the same energy that i see with others in my same caliber.

and when i see others that didn’t even try fr—its a slap in the face to put it bluntly.

i can want silly little comments and notes about something i cherish and put out for that reason and yall aren’t gonna make me feel bad about it. sorry! like yall really be making people feel shitty for wanting the same type of interactions you get! especially when its harmless, bye asf. nb want to recipe to ur peach cobbler b!

the only one giving push back are those appointed popular /top blogs n’ cliques tho. now personally, i honestly dgaf if you have 20 followers or 25k, writing is writing and if its good you should want to support it regardless of following count/interaction right?

unfortunately, and quite unsurprisingly its not the case for the rest of this hellhole lol. there’s always gonna be some “big blog” in any part of tumblr or any social media for that matter.

but when the sole purpose being on a site like tumblr to write is mainly exposure, then it just makes it ten times worse especially if it seems that these blogs are steady at the top of every. single. tag. and listen, i know how initially stupid that sounds but when you’ve picked up on patterns for as long as i have, well iykyk.

so imma be real bc no one else will, half of the posts that yall see with 25k notes have alr been done. just different characters, different words, different dialogue. And 8/10 its been done by sb who only received 100 notes. Thats the evil part. whats more is that it lacks the creativity the one post with 100-300 notes is filled with completely.

POP QUIZ! what post would readers be more inclined to read? — one that says 10k (ohhh that must be popular!) or the one with only 150 (oh i guess nb really liked that one) that no one is even willing to reblog for MORE. and BOOM. now yall wonder why so many great writers LEAVE, its a fucking joke.

so unfortunately its no longer only about or only on readers anymore. its about who you know and who you know is willing to support your fr. who is willing to REBLOG your fics for their friends and followers, so that their friends and followers can reblog. to fit in you actually have to get in these days and it makes it all less enjoyable. makes it a chore and if you aren’t ‘doing it right’ ultimately it makes you feel shitty about your writing. (Please don’t, you are doing amazing. its the platform.)

it makes people not want to jump into writing. it pushes away those who actually want to join writing communities and meet people without feeling like they have to jump thru hoops to thrive or worse—live in other ppls shadows. and then it deters those from speaking up in fear of being shut down by bigger groups. ive seen it happen time and time again.

lastly, and this is the juiciest part! you absolutely cannot say anything about any of this bc you’re complaining and a fisher just looking for attention and not someone who just want things to be fair all over. play the game, right? ( wrong. and if this is your logic, you suck! )

its no longer about making flashy banners and pretty themes. its no longer about how many clever directory links you add or how many games you initiate on your blog or whether or not you’ve reblogged your fic three times already. its about your “friends”, other mutuals, and blogs willing to support you too. not just the audience. audience gonna do what they want regardless. reblog, don’t reblog, whatever. “at least ive read it right?” but everyone knows this. duh! but it’s obvious who doesn’t care as long as they’re on top of that tag! its admirable in a way but it sucks for those wanting to break out and build some kind of readerbase and/or make friends.

TLDR; people need to stop being bias and be fair and open lol. stop picking favorites and share the love all around. you see another person writing your favorite character or trope, give them a fucking chance and reblog, regardless if they’re in your ‘circle’ / radar or not. regardless if you know them or not. hell, let them put you on to a new fandom. bc writing is writing and making new moots and finding new fics seem to be what everyone loves to showcase until its time to actually do it. no wonder people get discouraged to make friends and write, yall treat it like some kind of secret society when its supposed to be fun💀 not a competition. (yall need to dead this clique-y shit. )

[julietasgf]

hello! my name is vicó, and welcome to my blog!

brazilian | she/her pronouns | 20yo

I speak english (not my first language), brazilian portuguese and spanish! so feel free to talk to me in all of these three languages!

I'm multifandom. currently, I'm very into tbosas, but more specifically, into sejanus plinth and sejarcus. I do enjoy writing sn*wjanus, but only when they are toxic/abusive. sejanus is my favorite character and if I see an opinion I don't like abt him, I'm blocking (it's nothing personal). I'm highly critical of c*riolanus snow, so if you're fond of him, please, block me or don't follow me, because I'll slander him at some point. I also enjoy writing and creating stuff regarding sejanus' family, the plinths, and I adore ma plinth (I call her by vesta). I'm also a clown who's constantly making jokes.

I enjoy writing a lot of AUs, specially modern setting ones, and I'm not much a canon-compliant type of person (in the sense of not writing many canon compliant fics lol). I also do art sometimes.

other fandoms I may reblog something about: fallout, arcane, F1, HOTD/GOT, sports in general (specially brazilian soccer or brazilian atheletes), etc.

this is my ao3 acc, however, the big majority of my works are posted under anonymous collection. if you want the link to some of them, you can ask me and I'll send it with no problems!

it's important to say that I don't care about the movie. I find it an overall fun piece of media, but I don't like it as an adaptation, and I don't really consider anything regarding it canon, neither I consider the actors (with all respect to them and their work). I prefer going for my designs over the characters to imagine how they look.

I love yapping, and I love meeting new ppl! my inbox is always open to talk about anything!

this pinned post can be updated at any time!

[crucispidey]

intro ⋆ READ B4 INTERACTING ⌁

you may know me from one of my previous accounts @spinnspidey, @radiospidey, @knifespidey, @razorspidey, @paraspidey, @retrospidey, @necrospidey, @varicspidey, @incispidey

THIS IS AN ED AND SH BLOG. THESE TOPICS WILL BE BROUGHT UP. PLEASE BLOCK DON'T REPORT. THANK YOU.

i go by many names but you can call me ajax or reo (spidey is also acceptable, or any nickname you want as long as it's not a weird pet name) my pronouns are cy/dae/hy/nix/thou/sin/bit/vam/xe/pluv/zom/he/any no fem pronouns

i am a minor (i'm 15 years old)

i am transmasc (ftm) and am unlabelled + lovesexual. i am in a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP so please refrain from saying anything weird

i shitpost + vent post about my ed, sh, trauma, family issues, etc. if you have any trigger that you wish 2 b tagged, please inform or block the tag or block me if i frequently post about it.

i am mentally ill and i WILL talk about it. i have dx depression (i'm medicated 4 it), and my therapist suspects i have other mental illnesses. please keep this in mind.

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT PROMOTE ANYTHING THAT I POST. I AM POSTING AS A WAY 2 VENT.

dni, byi, interests, tagging system, and other stuff under the cut!!!

dni . . . ⋆ basic dni (idrc ngl, do what you want but don't report me, and i block freely) ⋆ judgmental people ⋆ people who have mdni in their bio (i am a minor so??) ⋆ nsfw accounts (this means people who post/reblog porn/nudes, etc. if it's just text, it's fine) ⋆ people who aren't ok w dark topics/get uncomfortable by stuff like that (this is more 4 you than 4 me, i don't wanna make anyone upset) ⋆ people who get triggered by talking about sh, ed, etc… (yes i am aware that it's bad, no don't come 2 my dms with a savior complex telling me 2 get help. i'm trying 2 get help) ⋆ i block freely btw cuz ik a lot of ppl don't respect dni lists + there's people who are unavoidable at times…

byi . . . ⋆ if you interact with me, i might seem excited n stuff ⋆ i might sound like i'm flirting but i'm not (i have a partner and i love them) ⋆ i can make a lot of sex jokes ⋆ i am very immature ⋆ don't try 2 "fix" me, i'll probably block you or ignore you ⋆ i'm a little unusual so yeah ⋆ don't b scared 2 interact w me i luv talking 2 peopleヾ(≧∇≦)ゞ ⋆ i am not pro ed or sh i just post about it and my experience…

fandoms . . . ⋆ hypmic (hypnosis mic) ⋆ paralive (paradox live) ⋆ reverse: 1999 ⋆ servamp ⋆ tougen anki ⋆ karneval ⋆ bsd (bungou stray dogs) ⋆ seraph of the end ⋆ litc (lost in the cloud) ⋆ kagerou daze ⋆ the case study of vanitas ⋆ pandora hearts ⋆ enstars (ensemble stars) (i am KIND OF a part of it bcuz my ex filled me up on a lot of lore when we were together…) ⋆ pjsk (project sekai) ⋆ theres probably some others but i forgot…

interests . . . ⋆ vkei ⋆ scene ⋆ anything bloody ⋆ cannibalism (ooh edgy) ⋆ tortures ⋆ psychology ⋆ music (i listen 2 vkei, scene, metal, etc…) ⋆ vampires ⋆ fanfiction (mostly genshin but other stuff occassionally) ⋆ true crime (i'm not tcc) ⋆ rarepairs (mostly genshin) ⋆ bats ⋆ writing ⋆ books ⋆ etc… ⋆ btw if you're interested in any of these or r interested bcoming friends PLEASEEE message me 🙏🙏😓 i'm looking 4 friends pleaseplwaseplease

tagging system . . . ⋆ #ajax posts ཋྀ » all posts will be tagged as this ⋆ #ajax reblogs ཋྀ » reblogs (obviously) ⋆ #ajax answers ཋྀ » answering asks ⋆ #ajax rants ཋྀ » ranting/serious topics/anything that's long ⋆ #ajax vents ཋྀ » vents ⋆ #ajax diary ཋྀ » things that happen in my life ⋆ #ajax polls ཋྀ » polls ⋆ #ajax pics ཋྀ » photos of me irl/that i have taken ⋆ #ajax meowties ཋྀ » mutuals!! ⋆ #ajax ed ཋྀ » ed related posts ⋆ #ajax sh ཋྀ » sh related posts ⋆ #ajax nsft ཋྀ » nsfw/suggestive posts ⋆ some tags will b added if i find a use 4 them ⋆ filter any of the tags or my blog if you do not wish 2 see it!!!

other . . . ⋆ link 2 my post with my ed & sh stats ⋆ alt blog with important things from this blog : @weepspidey ⋆ poem blog : @fleshspidey ⋆ rentry (more links in my rentry so check that out!!!)

remember!!! block DON'T report this blog if you need 2 ^^ this blog is meant as a way 2 vent my feelings/talk about my feelings so please don't dm me about how it's bad. i am aware.

[n0vatsu]

♡Hello everyone♡

note: PLEASE STOP TAGGING ME IN CHAINS ONLY TAG WHEN GIFTING

⚠️WARNING⚠️

Blood, swearing, bright edits, spoilers from shows/video games/movies ocs might be sexualized(dnt cancel me plz I’m trying not to make them like that), religious and pride opinions, and more stuff that might be triggering Blog 13+ (i mean so is tumblr so ipad kids gtfo) this blog might have satire NSFW so be aware of that:D continue at ur own risk ig lol

Welcome to my blog i am a American gacha tumblr/tuber you can call me Tsut, Tsu, Silas, Nova or just Tsutsuji DNI means do not interact

FANDOMS:

- Demon slayer (active) - Toilet bound hanako kun (active) - Stardew Valley (new + active)

- Genshin impact (Main Fandom + Active) - my hero academia (active)

- Roblox (LEFT) - Pokemon (hiatus)

- DDLC (idk im not sure of the game, i cant play it but im watching some gameplays of it😭) - FPE (hiatus)

- The owl house (hiatus)

- tangled (hiatus)

- Fnaf (LEFT)

My other scmd apps:D!!

discord: galatsu._. server link:D (might make a new server)

Pinterest (i rly hope ppl at my school dont find thi)

Instagram (quitted personal use tho) Wattpad Character Ai. (On strike) YouTube (hiatus)

Roblox user is tsutsuji_mysticwolf(ik bad user) display: n0va ✨my other blogs✨ @tsukisnights (writing blog)

@xxamacha-tsukixx (vlog + venting blog)

@tsutsuji-picrew (the name says it itself)

@tsutsujiroblox (future gaming blog)

@ga1atsu (reblogging blog (future shitposting blog) @haruna-tsutsuji (kny blog)

follow these amazing peeps

@floofy-cat (bestie irl) @flamy-t (my fav sis) @emuiy (my platonic brother:3) @lunatic-sayuri (Get. To. Bed.) @boiling-potato (come back with the milk plz) @lunarthefrieschild (I MISS U:(()

@mel-loly (Ty for being here for me) @screwzara (TALK TO ME:( @jassylife (first follower) @2laffy2 (my babyy) @devillemon085 @rosalinastan1 @urlocalgworllol

I have many more peeps don’t come at me if u didn’t got tagged lol I have a lot of mutuals ALSO PLZ DNT BEG ME TO ADD U I DNT WANT TO ADD TOO MANY PPL MY PINNED POST WILL LITERALLY BE AN ESSAY IF I DO

Oc + creator bios

Tsutsuji’s bio

Safaia’s bio

Emerarudo’s bio

Baioretto’s bio

Sukāretto’s bio

Ayu’s bio

Creator’s bio Oc intro masterlist

REQUESTS ARE OPEN GACHA VIDS/EDITS AND ART IM OPEN BABY>:D

OH AND SINCE I DISABLED MENTIONS CUZ I DONT WANT TO BE SPAMMED WITH TAG GAMES USE THE HASHTAG #tsutsuji’s fanart☆ WHEN YOU HAVE ANY FANART FOR ME

Feel free to ask my ocs anything Tsutsuji’s gl2 code: 828VLR3W3

Yoake’s gl2 code: WRLFJ284X

Creator’s gl2 code: 6NJWR6MCO

Milkshake Mansion gl2 codes

Tsutsuji:6HYY96YHT

Yoake: K67JS5WA8 yes I do art trades but I’ll only do it if I say yes don’t send me 18+ art tho…

End and be safe

#free Palestine I’m not Muslim but I’m a supporter Idc if my family doesn’t support Palestine but genocide, extreme unfairness and harm is wrong🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸 peace and love from United States (yes ik that usa supports Israel but still) stay strong Palestinians

PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME DONATION ASKS (or replies) I CAN BARELY DO SHIT FOR YALL AND BOOSTING IT MIGHT RESULT SCAMS IM SRY-:,D

Also enjoy my music taste while your scrolling through my blog;D

last updated in January 19, 2025

[oh-no-boi]

mm lrb (last reblog? is that a thing haha) and just its not the same but the assumption that im not doing anything with my life/time bc im not dating and not going "out" is rly stupid

my coworker didnt mean anything by it but his shock abt me not dating anyone and alao that bc im a homebody, im not doing much..... like no i make games, i draw, i craft, i write, my 3 journals take up plenty of time too.. also i go to downtown toronto somwtimes for stationary stuff LOL im tired from working but i got plenty of shit im doing

like currebtly:

• finished domino club game jam thus resting

• i have likr 25 linoprints where i gotta print layer 2 (winter holiday cards bc snailmail is great)

• im back to sorting my dolls for ebay and after that, i am finally going to organize my 3 display cases

• as always, 2 out of 3 planner/journals, take up at least 2-3 hrs a week as i write the daily pages from my phone notes

• i would like to go to the park more, i wish i had energy to walk and draw again but i just go to the playground swings for my mental health occationally now 😔

• i am reading so many danmei novels like one after another.. balancing my time between reading and doing other things is a careful balance

• winter holiday gifts are on my mind.. one has been ordered but many more to figure out..

idk like theres comics to read too and games to play, and books to read, and so much art supplies i shud fucking use one of these days.. need to get back into watercolours lol.....

my life isnt worse or more boring due to me not dating or staying home/close to home....

i've literally gone to place in toronto where u can be nude and see ppl getting it on and put on the "not interested" bracelet and fell in love with not giving a fuck abt my own nudity levels and falling in love with the heated pool...... holy shit is it nice to just wear swimsuit bottoms and a swim shirt without a bikini top lmao the fucking best (i have been nude but i also am a weirdo who does like the feel of clothes and like i cant live without socks when not in bed, and underwear is a helper in controlling my bladder feelings, and then i just love an oversized tshirt ok it feels good but also im chill to be tits out)

idk theres just something great abt knowing that sure i might be squemish to ever try sex and sure im aroace something, and i dont think im gotta end up actually dating anyone but fingers crossed i guess? but also yeah i masturbate, i've been nude in nudist place, i've sent nudes before tho not sexy chat lol i draw porn, i have a lot of distressed anime girl porn on my phone what of it, im an adult and im happy* living my life and frankly i dont see how dating would even work for me when i want to be reading bl half my waking hours... i just need to hang out with friends more

oh also coworker was like "ur 23, right?" and im just oh buddy haha

*i mean mild? depression but we ignore it bc we are only truly depressed when thinking bad thoughts or like the future or anything, ok fine i still feel like its fake but we cant ignore that i did try antidepresants and also did get close to vague suicide thoughts but like im fine, i got planners and stickers and weekly bubble tea ok

[luckiestblock]

OKAY SO LONG YAP INCOMINNG OH MY GOD. wanna start with sorry! I'm kinda new to actually using Tumblr so Idrk where to put this OR if there was a better option but I really liked your post about cdream (and to and extent cwilbur) I really really liked how you point out that everyone made his character bc IT SO TRUE his character would be so BLAND (so fucking bland) without them bc GUESS WHAT? his ass is BLAND personality wise. I was a fan since the big 2020 bc my friend group were hot into DNF, tbh I did like dream at the time bc the Jackbox streams but I was a disappointed at his dsmp character bc I thought it would be...idk so much more? for the longest time I thought I liked him but I guess that was just part of the territory at the time, it was the DREAM smp after all, but instead throughout the years I ended up relating his character more to a malignant shadow for the server members, like he just haunts people, follows, stalks them, and is evil!!! It's an interesting prospect sure but its a disservice to him BECAUSE he needs someone to shape his villainy. I like how you put that he works as a villain because there are heros to fight against, he is fr the perfect foil!!! (tho I think that was accidental greatness) and the very little we saw of his perspective and the little of what we knew abt him really added to that spookiness and darkness of the story bc he felt like a real threat sometimes. During my time in the fandom from then (2020) into this day (possibly more??) I find it interesting how there was so little content to actually work off from his character that most artists and authors ended up painting his character like he was a blank canvas. (or shaping him like he was clay HAHA pun haha so funny) they got away with it bc there was no real and solid character traits to truly combat that things--I also think this is why his character was so beloved by those who liked him at the time ( bc he could be what you wanted) there were many times I believed that the fanfic authors were just better at writing him than the og ccs but what was there to compare to? (sidebr: The illusion really ended in 2022 when he was nothing like the collective imagination, ESPECIALLY IN PERSONALITY ESPECIALLY NOW, but I think that's a thing lots of the long time fans relate to and I guess I kinda deserved that as I was believing a dream hahaha pun haha so funny) Anyways, I really want (wanted?) to make this analysis work of him especially because the way the cc actually acts falls so much into what cdream solidly was (same with cwilbur but minus the "no-character, no shape" argument) It would cover my theories of him being the shadow for the other dsmp characters, the canvas for the fans, what is there in him really and what that meant for cdream overall minus all the rosy lens while being kinda metaaaa idk. I also wanted to do the same insane deepdive for wilbur's character and his overlap bc ITS SO INTRESTING. but now I feel doing this would be in very poor taste and kinda oddball of me (and when is it not in poor taste bc theres always drama??? its never my time fr) and that sucks because I'm still so down bad for this fandom its not fucking funny like I still want to make art for it, theorize, talk and trade ideas with ppl and do all these studies still and I don't know what's really wrong with me for still loving all the characters OH SO MUCH still while HATING majority of the ccs for these 5 years. I wasn't in it for the people after the big 2021 (as I kinda lost interest or didn't support) but the compelling lore and the AMAZING fan content. I don't know how ppl would take it and overlapping drama with the creators doesn't seem so "c! only" of me (but I think its fire so whateva) anyways sorry for the long yap just wanted to put this out there.

re: this post

firstly, welcome to tumblr! i think most people are fine with people adding discussion in inbox or when reblogging a post. i'm glad u liked my post :)

I was never a Dream fan, but i really expected more from his character as well. I WANTED more of his character. By himself, c!Dream is a walking plot device meant to Cause Conflict, which is a shame because the little that was set up was so interesting. Puffy at one point had a one-off line about being his mom (or maternal figure) if i remember correctly, which you could do SO MUCH with on that alone (though, I don't remember if that was just a joke or de-canoned. either way, it would be a VERY interesting dynamic)

The implications of him being trapped in the prison on purpose is very interesting, but that never got payed off. We know that he worked with c!Punz and c!Ranboo on some things, and with c!Dream being an Isolated Villain who is a Control Freak, that has SOOO much great potential. "Does he genuinely trust them? Does he want to trust them? Why do they agree to work with him?" are all interesting questions that... also got unanswered. but with these things (and the connections to Dream XD + Techno), you get the really great fan-interpretations of c!Dream that are really interesting and fun! that make him more of his own character with more nuanced motivations!

(this is coming from someone who wanted to put endersmile duo under a microscope. so i might a bit biased. but god. GODDDDD WHAT WAS THEIR RELATIONSHIPP)

"I really want (wanted?) to make this analysis work of him especially because the way the cc actually acts falls so much into what cdream solidly was" if you make this please send that to me 🙏

"I also wanted to do the same insane deepdive for wilbur's character and his overlap bc ITS SO INTRESTING. but now I feel doing this would be in very poor taste and kinda oddball of me" it might be because i also think there's overlap between wilbur and his character (like, besides how a person's creations reflect them in some way), but i think it WOULD be interesting, and only in bad taste if you dont think about the words you're saying. Which goes into your next point:

With what we know was going behind the scenes, i dont think you can (or Should) try to "death of the author" the dsmp. but that doesn't mean you should feel wrong for still enjoying the characters. there are still a lot of people who love the dsmp while not supporting the creators in anyway, shape or form. There's still lovely fanart (and i assume fanfic) being made of it.

honestly, i think about the lore and world very often. it's a really good example of something that can only exist in minecraft. it's a good showcase of everyone's ability to improvise and collaborate (or the opposite, in some cases). it's one of those things that make me think "gosh, if I could change this one thing..." over and over. i am eternally haunted by the potential of Limbo and how it was SO close to being the coolest thing ever.

anyways. i never get nonnys in my askbox (because i dont talk often) so i am very happy for this excuse to yap. i want to chew on the dsmp and i hope people release the lore docs and what they were planning

[i23kazu]

i've seen ur recent posts and while i understand ur desire for heightened engagement like with 2021 genshinblr, i think u have to accept the fact that 2021 saw a lot of us in lockdown and that's why so many people were so free to create and engage with fandom content like fics. it's 2023 now and everyone has school/work and life in general to attend to — for ur own good, please consider focusing more on ur real life as well.

your posts about note count are also getting really repetitive. the more obsessed u are with getting notes, the less likely ppl are to interact bc they feel pressured into it. can u really call such engagement genuine? are popularity and numbers really ur main if not only motivator for writing?

while i can understand where you're coming from, and i apologise that my posts are getting repetitive, these kinds of interactions are the best way to spread the creations. yes, it's 2023, but there's still so many people on this site – sure! not as many as 2021 where interaction had peaked and i understand that, but still, a sizable community. i have my own life outside of this website as well, anon. :-)

if i were truly obsessed with my notes, i could just... create another sideblog and reblog my work a 100 times. the point of me emphasising the importance of reblogging is to be able to share the love you have for someone's work – because it really is visible in each reblog shared, with or without tags and comments. i have my own commitments in my own life as well and that's why it means so much for me to receive that bit of serotonin and support when people interact with it, when i'm able to write. sure, i may post something almost every day, but that's because writing is my reprieve. i've been writing for a while now, and while my blog has grown, the culture of interaction has also visibly shrunk. other people notice it. other people have spoken up about it.

i apologise if people feel guilt-tripped into interacting, because that's not my intention, and they should be making their own choice on whether or not they want to interact – but if you appreciated a creator's work, this is the reblog site. you can see so many creators fizzle out because of the lack of interactions and literally, a simple reblog will do. of course, many creators love writing and not all of us will care about the notes – but it's a nice thing for us to wake up to. seeing other people appreciate our work makes us want to create more. the more people interact with our work, the higher of a chance we have of getting a genuine, love-filled engagement. and that's just what most of us want. its not about the notes. it's about the actual interactions we get.

[greatasexualattorney]

Wanted to share these relationship cards I made for an AU/fanfic I started writing maybe a month ago— I saw ppl's on my feed and thought "OMG that's so smart I need to do this" so here they are

one thing I would like to point out is placement for "superior/equal/inferior"— Arven being the older of himself and Juliana and generally being the mama bear of his friend group, views himself as a protector to his buddies and Julie (regardless of his.. lesser.. battle prowess)

Arven also likes his surroundings to be stagnant, preferring being stable, but with enough notice and preparation, he is willing to invoke change. only if he is READY.

Juliana is very mellow in contrast to Florian's more outgoing personality.

Arven has some mental struggles that he is working on, and he's doing better with coping (spends too much time outside now and would probably find lots of cool stuff along the way)

(Sentence is super tiny, so: "my parents died and all I got was this stupid lizard and a girlfriend, which is pretty good considering everything.")

(alternatively: "improvise, overcome, sandwiches")

like Arven, Kieran much prefers things to remain the same. and like a lot of ppl I headcanon him as neurodivergent, namely w/ autism (and based on my own experiences) and change is difficult for him to adjust to. he can facilitate it on his own, or mutually, but on short notice, it is just.. kind of messy.

notably Florian is also neurodivergent, ADHD. also based on my own experiences.

neither of them remember things well honestly. its hit or miss which will remember an errand or check their calendar first. kieran is better with marking down dates than Florian. Florian loses his notes too often.

(had so many sentences I could've wrote. the best ones are probably: "the audhd couple of all time"/"their shared sense of self preservation is next to nothing")

the twins' committment is mainly lower because they are just so busy, they have SO much going on. Arven is wholeheartedly supportive and would probably trust Juliana and any of his other buds with his whole life. and Kieran, as we know, has a very insecure attachment style and some mental issues he is working on, so he tends to latch onto one or more "favorite person(s)"

shockingly, Arven is more complex for me to explain because I can't articulate it well. god I just love Arven he's so difficult to read 😔

in the same vein Arven and Kieran are capable of having fun/bringing it, but you need to know Arven for him to lighten up otherwise he looks very brooding and unapproachable. maybe have a pal there to just.. make sure he doesn't look too scary! meanwhile, Kieran is lost without a familiar person there, especially socialites like Florian who are very easy to watch and learn from.

I'm very hesitant to post the AU due to the topics it covers, as they even make me a bit unconfortable because some of this comes from a place that is sensitive to me. the topics are not explicit or disturbing, but again

regardless of the differences in how these topics are presented in the AU versus my own life, these are very real fears I have.

if I am feeling brave, I will reblog this with some more information, excerpts, plans, etc.

if you made it this far, (first of all wow thank you for reading my venting and rambling) and thanks for looking at my versions of this chart!!