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bard-llama · 3 years ago

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WiP Wednesday: Hedgehog Man in Wine Country

Yes, that is my working title and no, I’m not taking suggestions. XD Today’s been kinda shitty, but I got a bit of work done on this fic, and it’s been a fun one to work on lately. The premise is that Emhyr gets re-cursed post-W3 B&W and Ciri brings him to Corvo Bianco to hide out, not knowing that Geralt invited literally everyone he knows to come live with him. Fortunately, the House Rules are very emphatic about no fighting outside of the practice area and absolutely no assassination attempts. Unfortunately, Emhyr is still stuck living in a house with all twenty-two of Geralt’s house guests. They also do not know that he is cursed and are very, very curious why the Emperor of Nilfgaard is skulking around wearing knight’s armor and a helmet.

I started writing this mostly because it sounded funny, but since it’s already a cracky premise, I have let myself go down so many rabbit holes lmao. One of them is the gospel fact now that Emhyr likes 4x games - and that Nilfgaard in general does. After all, what suits their culture better than an empire-building game focused on exploring, expanding, exploiting, and exterminating?

On that note - yes, I know I’m spelling Catan wrong. It’s on purpose, leave me alone. The described game is also a lot more like Civilization than Catan. Sue me. I have 550 hours in Civ and maybe 7 in Catan, but I like the name.

After Ciri’s visit, Geralt did try to make a point to include Emhyr more often. The problem was, Emhyr didn’t particularly seem to want to be included, not when it meant wearing full armor and helm to hide his curse. Which led Geralt to the bright idea to invite Emhyr to hang out with everyone after midnight, when he wouldn’t have to do any of that. He would still be Emhyr, which was a point against him, but Ciri wanted him to get along with everyone, so Geralt would try.

That was how Geralt came to be knocking on Emhyr’s door about ten minutes after the midnight bell had rung. “Emhyr?” he called.

There was a groan from inside and then the door opened. Whatever Geralt was expecting, it was not for the disheveled and shirtless human form of Emperor Emhyr to lean heavily against the door frame.

“What?” Emhyr asked, eyes hazy, and the room stank of fresh blood.

Geralt frowned. “You okay?”

Emhyr’s look was weary. “I am fine, witcher. What is it? Has Cirilla returned?”

“No,” Geralt shook his head. “I, uh – Ciri was hoping you’d get to know everyone more. So uh… game night?”

Eyes narrowing suspiciously, Emhyr asked, “what kind of games?”

“Uh… normal ones?” Geralt shrugged in bemusement. “You know, gwent, dice, poker, board games, that kinda stuff. Why? You have a favorite?”

Emhyr didn’t answer and the air of suspicion around him did not dissipate. But he must have known that Ciri was hoping for him to at least be friendly with the others, because he nodded tiredly.

“Give me a moment to dress,” he muttered and closed the door in Geralt’s face.

Grumbling to himself, Geralt leaned against the wall to wait and wondered exactly how the rest of the group was going to react to the Emperor of Nilfgaard joining in.

When Emhyr stepped out, Geralt wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but it definitely wasn’t the relatively casually dressed man before him. Instead of heavy formal robes, Emhyr wore a simple tunic and trousers with a decorative outer robe on top, golden sun embroidery along the hems.

“Is there a problem, witcher?” Emhyr asked, startling him and making him realize he’d been staring. Only sheer willpower kept the blood from rushing to his face.

“I have a name, you know,” he deflected.

“As do I,” Emhyr shrugged and when Geralt failed to guide them towards the entrance to the main house, he took the lead instead.

Geralt cleared his throat, quickening his stride to keep pace with Emhyr. “I thought it was a capital offense to call you by name. Your chamberlain certainly seemed to think so.”

Emhyr actually snorted, and Geralt stared as though he’d never seen the man before. Before he could really recover, they arrived at the main house. Across the foyer, Lambert, Aiden, Dandelion, and Zoltan were all carrying armfuls of snacks into the game room, Keira following behind while holding a single glass of wine, twenty others and a full bottle floating in the air beside her.

As one, they all stopped and gaped at Emhyr, who glared right back at them.

Geralt groaned, trying to figure out the best way to break the tension when Regis accomplished it effortlessly, gliding up to Emhyr with a smile.

“I am pleased you are joining us,” he said simply.

Emhyr very obviously had no idea what to say in response, but Regis didn’t leave him hanging, instead asking if he’d had a chance to read the last book the vampire had lent him.

It reminded Geralt that he really needed to talk to Regis about why he was making nice with Emhyr exactly, but for the moment, he was grateful. He didn’t want to babysit Emhyr all evening, he wanted to play some gwent!

There was a part of him, though, that was a little curious about the book Regis mentioned. Since when was Emhyr someone who would read A Treatise on The Use of Mercury in Alchemy?

At any rate, Regis managed to keep Emhyr occupied long enough for everyone to arrive – and have their own reactions to his presence. Honestly, it would have been funny if Geralt didn’t have to worry about the possible maiming of Ciri’s father.

Triss, at least, was mild, just sending Geralt a wide-eyed look. Letho, on the other hand, grinned broadly in a way that sent klaxons ringing in the back of Geralt’s head and prompted him to remind everyone of the House Rules again.

Mousesack walked in as Geralt was finishing his spiel and the druid took one look around the room, then sighed heavily and poured himself a very full glass of wine. Given he was one of the de facto peacekeepers (Geralt and Regis were the other two, and Yenn occasionally deigned to bother with it, when she wasn’t in the midst of breaking the peace), Geralt really couldn’t blame him.

Most of the others didn’t pay overly much attention to Emhyr, though Iorveth and Isengrim, as former Vrihedd Brigade commanders, glared sullenly, but Geralt was really, really not looking forward to the arrival of the most patriotic folks in the bunch. Especially because there were certainly still bitter feeling about Emhyr’s victory in the Third Nilfgaardian War, even if they did ultimately negotiate the end of the war – and Temeria’s self-rule – with Emhyr. Or his representatives, anyway. Before now, had any of them actually met Emhyr directly?

From the expression on her face, Ves had not, though she definitely recognized him. Right behind her, Roche and Thaler looked like they were each about to have an aneurysm, and Dijkstra nearly ran directly into them before seeing what they had stopped to stare at.

“Fuck me,” the former Redanian intelligence officer said, “didn’t know Nilfgaardians knew how to dress down.”

“They also know how to arrive on time,” Emhyr said without looking away from his conversation with Regis, where Dettlaff had managed to join them at some point without Geralt noticing.

Trying to pretend that it didn’t make him jumpy that any creature could do that, Geralt cleared his throat and cut in before they could decide to fight. “Who’s in the mood for gwent?”

“Not if you’re playing with a bleeding Nilfgaardian deck,” Thaler muttered, but he slouched into the room and settled next to Geralt – well across the room from Emhyr, but positioned to keep an eye on him, of course.

Geralt rolled his eyes and pulled out his monsters deck. It was more fun to play with anyway.

“Is there a game you prefer?” Regis asked Emhyr, and Geralt couldn’t help but eavesdrop. He was far from the only one.

“Not of the ones here,” Emhyr dismissed, examining the painting of Beauclair’s palace that Geralt had hanging. “There are a handful you might find in any Nilfgaardian household – but this is hardly that.”

“And thank fuck for that,” more than one person swore, and several others toasted them with their wine glasses. Geralt sighed.

“It was once, though,” he pointed out, calling for BB. When the majordomo appeared, he gestured to Emhyr and asked, “would the previous owners have had any games or anything like that that might still be around?”

“Hmm,” BB hummed in thought. “Well, there’s Katan, of course.”

“Of course,” Emhyr echoed.

“And perhaps a few others,” BB continued, tapping his chin.

“What’s Katan?”

Emhyr and BB both blinked like they couldn’t believe they were being asked such a question, and Geralt counted backwards from ten in his head. Wasn’t retirement supposed to be less stressful than his life before?

“It’s most people’s – Nilfgaardians, that is – first 4x game,” Emhyr said simply. “Yes, that should do well, assuming there is any interest.”

“What’s a 4x game?” Roche asked suspiciously.

Emhyr’s lips thinned and BB coughed. “Perhaps I might explain? It is a specific genre of gaming focused on strategy and empire building. The four x’s are explore, expand, exploit, and exterminate.”

“Of course they are,” Keira said, face sour.

“Nilfgaard excels in exploiting and exterminating,” Ves spat.

“Actually, extermination victories are considered the easiest and suitable mostly for beginners,” Emhyr said flatly.

That was… actually kind of interesting. Not that Geralt would abandon gwent ever, but… “How do you play?”

BB smiled approvingly at Geralt and it was both heartwarming and kind of sad how that made his chest puff up in pride. “I shall go fetch the game, if you would like to answer that, sir?”

BB bowed to Emhyr the precise amount that he would bow to any other guest and for a second, Geralt half-thought Emhyr might take offense, but he hardly seemed to even notice.

“It is a tabletop game with a map that you must explore,” Emhyr began. “The purpose, as Barnabas-Basil said, is to build an empire. You begin by settling cities – there are many criteria for the best location, most of them the same as in reality, though Katan isn’t as detailed as some games – and choose how to expand your empire by allocating and investing resources. There is a great deal of freedom in how you choose to pursue victory and what you choose to focus on, such as trade or culture or science and technology. Victory is determined by complete dominance over the other players in military conquest, religious prominence, resource dependency, cultural influence, or scientific development.”

“Sounds logical enough,” Philippa said primly.

“Sounds like a lot for a board game,” Eskel pointed out. “Ciri wasn’t kidding about Nilfgaardian games taking an hour to set up, was she?”

Emhyr’s lips twitched and if he were anyone else, Geralt might almost think he smiled. “A slight exaggeration. With enough practice, it might only take fifty-nine minutes.”

…was that a joke!?

Eskel snorted and Dettlaff openly chuckled, but most everyone else looked just as gobsmacked as Geralt felt.

A slightly awkward silence settled over the group for a moment – long enough for Geralt to see the way Emhyr tensed, and it was only when he did that Geralt realized how much he must have relaxed previously. Fortunately, before the quiet could linger too long, BB returned with the game in question.

“Okay,” Geralt said loudly, “so how many players is this game? If we’re gonna spend a fucking hour setting it up, it’d better be worth it.” It was only after he spoke that he realized he’d just surrendered his spot playing gwent.

“Depending on the edition, it can be up to twelve players,” Emhyr shrugged. “But you also may wish to do teams.”

“Oooh, yes!” Dandelion cheered. “Geralt, we should be a team!”

Geralt groaned, and half the room laughed at him.

“Aye, don’t worry, laddie, I’ll keep him from getting too carried away,” Zoltan promised with a grin.

“Oh sure,” Priscilla snorted. “But if you don’t mind, Geralt, it sounds interesting, but I don’t think I’d want to play on my own.”

“Of course,” Geralt grunted. He’d been resigned to his fate from the moment Dandelion had spoken.

Now if he could just keep Dandelion from getting distracted and composing a ballad while they were playing. The last thing he needed was another exaggerated tale about the White Wolf’s new foray into imperialism. Somehow there were always people who believed every word Dandelion sang as gospel, even when it was so clearly utter horse shit.

“All right,” Regis said, accepting the box from BB and passing it over to Emhyr. “How do we get set up, then?”

As Emhyr dove into explaining and unpacking the game pieces, Geralt turned to BB. “Care to join us?”

BB smiled slightly. “Kind of you to ask, sir, but there are some breaches to decorum that go a step too far.”

Geralt tilted his head, brow furrowing.

“His Imperial Majesty has requested to be treated as any other guest, and so I shall endeavor to do so,” BB explained, “but you must understand, he is still my Emperor and some things just are not proper.”

“Yeah,” Geralt nodded. He could understand that. “Guess it’s kind of strange for you when Ciri visits, too.”

“Not at all,” BB shook his head. “I am accustomed to serving those of status. But a lord does not play a game with their staff.”

“I’m no lord.”

“No,” BB smiled, “and I am becoming accustomed to the changes. But you are also not the ruler of Nilfgaard. Simply, there is some distance that must be maintained.”

“Mm,” Geralt hummed. That did make sense, and he was glad that BB was willing to at least treat him more personally than as a lord. But if anything, what was most surprising was – “Emhyr asked to be treated like everyone else?”

“Indeed,” BB answered. “Is there anything else I might get you, sir?”

“Huh. Uh, no, I think we’re good, thank you.”

“Then I believe I shall call it a night. Good night, sir.”

“Good night, BB,” Geralt said distractedly, frowning at Emhyr. This was a man who literally had a chamberlain teach people how to bow to him before an audience. Why would he go out of his way to ask not to be treated as Emperor?

“If a game literally comes with scratch paper, that has to be a bad sign, doesn’t it?” Triss poked at the pile of scrap paper dubiously. “If it’s that complicated, how are you supposed to have fun?”

“Spell casting is complex, is it not?” Emhyr asked.

“Well, sure, but–”

“When first learning, complexity can detract from enjoyment, but once you gain familiarity, it is, typically, considered worth it.”

Geralt thought back to his first gwent game. “True enough. We just gotta trust that the game is worth the investment.”

“Precisely,” Emhyr said, and did not utter a single reassurance.

Lambert sniggered. “That’s what the team’s for. We all focus on different parts and consult on the rest.”

“I’m sorry, did Lambert just willingly suggest consulting with someone?” Eskel’s gasp was dramatically exaggerated.

“Oh fuck off,” Lambert stuck his middle finger up.

“Lambert’s good at consultations,” Aiden said, a mischievous smile on his face. “As long as they go exactly the way he wants.”

Lambert scowled and kicked Aiden’s chair. Given Aiden had been leaning the chair back on two legs, this leg to the chair clattering to the ground and Aiden himself flipping up in the air with a handspring and a laugh.

“You’re just mad ‘cause I’m right.”

Ignoring him, Lambert addressed the room loudly, “all right, let’s do this.”

There was a scramble around the room as everyone settled into seats – Aiden choosing to sit on the back of Lambert’s chair rather than recovering his own – around the large game board. Their eight teams were wildly uneven, but Emhyr appeared unconcerned, so Geralt assumed they weren’t offending his sensibilities too terribly.

Because Geralt was on a team with Dandelion and Priscilla, he and Zoltan had known from the start that they’d be going for a cultural victory. Having that direction was helpful, because Geralt could see the way Regis and Dettlaff considered each decision carefully on their turn. Ultimately, Regis’ love of science appeared to be winning and whichever specific option intrigued him most was the one they picked.

Geralt was actually finding it really interesting to watch his friends debate and decide how to build an empire – and that was not something he ever figured he’d be thinking. But everyone’s approach was a little bit different and, of course, every single one of them thought their way was best, and it was bizarrely fun.

Team Temeria – Roche, Ves, and Thaler – were focusing on military might. They didn’t settle many new cities, but they stole other people’s and they were growing fairly steadily. Team Hot As Hell – Lambert had chosen the name on behalf of Aiden and Keira – had decided to try out a religious victory, but because it was them, the religion they were attempting to convert everyone to was for The Flying Spaghetti Monster. The Sorceresses – Philippa, Yenn, and Triss – were also pursuing faith, but they were trying to spread the supremacy of the Lodge of Sorceresses, which had made Emhyr scowl deeply at them.

Dijkstra had insisted on being on a team by himself, and he was doing well in the sense that he had a handle on trade and had more money than any of them. But whatever he was supposed to do with trade to win, he was thoroughly distracted by fighting with Team Scoia’tael, which had started as Isengrim, Iorveth, Ciaran, and Eldain, but soon ended up mostly just being Isengrim. He appeared perfectly happy to fight right back against Dijkstra, and the rest of them more of less left them to it.

Emhyr, of course, had the advantage of clearly knowing the game well. And it was even clear that he was attempting to go easy on them, to give them advantages and pointers on how to make their moves stronger. Even so, he had more territory than any of them, spanning nearly half the map – which also meant that he controlled a majority of the resources on the map.

Geralt’s team, which did not have iron, was very much suffering because of that. It was a good thing no one had decided to invade them yet, because their defense was absolutely abysmal. Taking pity on them, Emhyr offered an alliance – in exchange for military defense, he got a boost off of their culture building efforts. Which didn’t actually count for all that much.

“Culture victory is one of the hardest to achieve,” Emhyr told them, “you win when your empire has more visiting tourists than any other player’s domestic tourist population. It’s hard to get.”

“I still only sort of get how tourism is generated,” Priscilla muttered, scratching her head as she yawned.

Outside, he could hear doves cooing and roosters calling, but he hardly thought to make note of it – not until Emhyr opened his mouth to explain to Priscilla and let out a pained gasp instead, curling in on himself.

“Emhyr?” Regis called, concern heavy in his voice.

Emhyr convulsed, collapsing sideways out of his chair, and Geralt jumped to his feet, sluggish brain finally realizing what was happening. But there was nothing he could really do, no way he could protect Emhyr’s secret, not when the entire table was staring at Emhyr in horror in concern, taking in the rictus of pain across his face before it changed, nose transforming into that of a rodent’s, eyes turning black and inhuman, skin leeching dark and grey, and hair converting to stiff spines before their eyes. Fabric tore as quills forced their way out of Emhyr’s back, blood tainting the air again, and even with all the control Geralt knew Emhyr had, the man was unable to hold back a piteous groan.

“What–?” someone began, and then it was over, and Emhyr pushed himself up on his hands with an irritated huff.

“Well,” Letho said eventually, “that’s a helluva curse.”

“A cruel one,” Regis put in, lips pressed so tightly together that they were turning white. The smell of blood must bother him so much more than it bothered Geralt, and Geralt hated it. Next to Regis, Dettlaff’s jaw was clenched so tightly that Geralt could probably break his fist against it.

“I don’t suppose anyone is going to explain?” Priscilla asked hesitantly, eyes darting between Geralt and Emhyr.

Picking himself up with as much dignity as he could manage, Emhyr straightened his sleeves. Only one of them actually moved, the other caught on a handful of quills. “It’s fairly self-explanatory,” he said stiffly.

“It does explain the helmet,” Roche muttered.

“Hmm,” Aiden frowned, tilting his head, “but you revert to your proper form at night?”

“What mage managed to curse the Emperor?” Philippa asked, arms crossed.

Emhyr’s mouth opened, then closed. After a moment, he spoke, “that is a complicated question. This time? We have no evidence to indicate any suspects.”

“This time,” Yenn repeated, glancing at Geralt. He winced. Had he failed to mention that? Shit.

A muscle in Emhyr’s jaw flexed and his spines puffed out. “The original curse was cast long ago. I burned its caster at the stake fifteen years ago.”

Geralt met several people’s gazes as they all looked around as if confirming that they were understanding. Exactly what was he supposed to share here? Why did it suddenly feel like sharing the first time he’d met Emhyr was like revealing some big secret?

“You were cursed until then?” Keira asked, something almost like compassion in her voice, which was weird enough even without considering who it was directed at.

“No,” Emhyr said shortly, not elaborating. “If you’ll excuse me.” Standing with all the grace of an Emperor, Emhyr edged out of the room, only turning to reveal his back at the last moment. Geralt understood why instantly. His outer robe was shredded, the remains of it hanging around blood-tipped quills that remained stiff and tense. It was very much not the back of a man, but that of a beast.

“What the fuck?” Ves broke the silence that fell after he left.

“Geralt,” Dandelion crossed his arms, face unusually serious. “Is that or is that not the same hedgehog curse as from Cintra?”

Geralt blinked at him. “Obviously? It’s not a common curse.”

“He’s the same man!?” Dandelion looked downright horrified, but Geralt just pinched the bridge of his nose.

“How else do you think he could be Ciri’s father?”

“...okay, that does make sense. But–”

“Would you please fill the rest of us in?” Triss demanded. “What on earth are you two talking about?”

“Years and years ago,” Dandelion started, “Geralt and I attended the Betrothal Banquet of Princess Pavetta of Cintra. Surely you’ve heard the story? I wrote a ballad or two–”

Geralt interrupted him before anyone could decide to get violent. “Emhyr went by a different name then, but he was a knight errant who claimed Pavetta’s hand under the Law of Surprise. Queen Calanthe was not at all enamored with the idea of a hedgehog in her court – or, likely, of someone she couldn’t control – and ordered her guards to attack. I saved his life, then Pavetta’s Elder Blood powers saved it again and almost killed all of us in the process.”

“I remember,” Mousesack grumbled, rubbing his elbow.

“Anyway, the threat of death by Elder Blood convinced Calanthe and they got married, which lifted the curse. And then he insisted on a reward and I claimed the Law of Surprise and we found out Pavetta was pregnant with Ciri.” Geralt shrugged, looking at Dandelion, “seriously, you didn’t realize that was Emhyr until now? He’s literally Ciri’s father!”

“Oh shut up,” Dandelion huffed and Zoltan snickered.

“So he was cursed when you met him?” Eskel clarified.

“Yeah. I think he mighta said he was cursed pretty young? Don’t really remember.”

“It’s kind of romantic,” Priscilla sighed, clasping her hands together.

“I beg your pardon?” Yenn said blankly.

“Lives entwined by Destiny! The way that seeming pure chance will bring us to that which will change us forever. I mean, think of your story,” Priscilla hummed the opening chords to The Wolven Storm and Geralt winced. Yenn always had mixed feelings about the way Destiny had played them, though since they’d removed the djinn’s wish, she hadn’t mentioned it as much.

Instead of saying anything, Yennefer simply pursed her lips.

“Definitely weird to think of your life being entwined with Emperor Emhyr’s,” Dandelion said, making a face.

Geralt tilted his head. “I mean, yeah, but also, his daughter is my daughter? So… not really? Also uh… if you think it’s weird being around Emperor Emhyr, I have bad news about Ciri’s upcoming coronation.”

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that, actually,” Dandelion perked up. “Do you think Ciri needs entertainment? Because–”

Groaning, Geralt shook his head. “I have no idea. Ask her.”

“Definitely weird to think of the lass as Empress of Evil,” Zoltan hummed.

“Nilfgaard isn’t any more evil than the Northern Kingdoms,” Iorveth pointed out, gwent cards still laid out between him and Eldain. It made Geralt itch for his deck, but before he could think to challenge anyone, a yawn snuck up on him.

“Fuck, it’s past dawn. I’m going to bed,” he announced, and several people made agreeable sounds, covering yawns of their owns. Others – mostly the night owls like Dijkstra and Roche – just looked back down at the game board with a frown.

“Shame, really,” Isengrim put voice to the words on their minds. “I was winning.”

“Ha!” Dijkstra scoffed. “Like hell you were!”

“I think you mean we were winning,” Thaler corrected.

“Incorrect,” Philippa said simply, but because she was Philippa, there was a threat inherent in her voice. “The Sorceresses were obviously winning. Even with Keira attempting to play two teams.”

Keira winced, ducking behind Aiden’s back. Lambert stretched his arms above his head and didn’t bother to cover his wide yawn. “You’re just pissed she chose the better team.”

“Lambert!” Keira hissed and Aiden groaned, smacking a hand to his face as Philippa puffed up in outrage.

Shaking his head at all of them, Geralt turned and left, trudging up the stairs to his room. Idiots, all of them.

Besides, it was very obvious that Emhyr had been the one winning. Either way, Geralt’s team was in last place, so he didn’t much care, and sleep beckoned.

After a long nap, he would probably need to try to contact Ciri and deal with the fall out of Emhyr’s curse getting revealed, but for now, all that concerned him was the distance of his head from his pillow.

#everybody lives at corvo bianco like it's 2012 #geralt's house of friends #emhyr var emreis #geralt of rivia #the witcher #wip wednesday #yes i'm using TWN backstory and also stealing Mousesack bc why the fuck not

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evansfm · 3 years ago

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𝙨𝙚𝙚 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛 –– 𝐞𝐯𝐚𝐧 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐥𝐲 .

every morning evan woke up to a london sky that refused to let the sun in ; summer was drier than spring , but the clouds seemed to linger year round . . . not that she minded . she had , after all , grown up in county dublin , where things were always a bit damp . still , the lack of COLOR could be draining . . . so she searched for it in unexpected places , creating little pockets of color for herself in a rather grayscale world . golden lights strung on her balcony , isla’s bright red hair and matching smile , an array of bright letters boasting NME lining a wall –– covers from past decades , a rainbow rubik’s cube next to her keyboard , two framed photographs perched on her desk . the first seemed like forever ago , a beaming eloise with a twin on either side ; beck on the left , evan on the right , both planting kisses on her cheek one valentine’s day years and years ago . the second was more recent , backstage at a show in galway ; kieran sat in his chair with his fingers intertwined with evan’s as she draped her arms over his shoulders from behind , chin resting on top of his curls and a smile that looked SOFT compared to the goofy one ruairi wore , looming behind her with his chin on her head . she felt warmth every time she looked at them , but there was always a tug in her stomach . . . the undeniable feeling of something missing . she found her little pockets of color , but they still seemed muted without the people she loved –– the PERSON she loved .

their schedules had begun to clash –– and evan hated the way she was beginning to get used to the dull ache of his absence . distance had been a part of their relationship for months , but the time zones were killing her . they couldn’t always make time for hours wasted away on facetime ; she couldn’t always fall asleep to the sound of his voice on the other end of the line . they were both where they were supposed to be , chasing their dreams together , separately . . . but evan was beginning to wonder if the path she was on –– the desk , the deadlines , the distance –– was actually what she WANTED . there was a lack of creative control at nme ; she was a part of a greater whole , confined to a desk when she wasn’t out in the field . she felt restless . . . bored , almost . and with her most recent deadline met and a job of her own –– evan connely , sans nme –– waiting at the end of the week , she was distracted .

“ WHAT are you doing ? ” isla popped up behind her , coming out of nowhere to look over her shoulder .

“ jesus , ” evan startled , nearly dropping the plastic puzzle in her hand , “ where t’e fuck did you come from ? ”

“ charlotte’s office . answer my question . ”

“ playing wit’ a toy , ” she held up the half solved rubik’s cube , then let out an audible sigh as isla looked unimpressed , then jutted her chin towards the computer screen , “ trying to put together a mood board for t’is gig i’ve got wit’ saint valentine on friday . ”

perfectly shaped auburn brows raised , “ we got saint valentine ? ”

“ no , ” evan’s lips lifted into the faintest smirk , “ i got saint valentine . ”

“ you’re bloody joking . shut UP , ” isla gasped , rounding to her side of the table desk , just to roll her chair around , “ and you didn’t fucking tell me ? ”

“ no , because you couldn’t keep a secret if you tried .”

“ well that’s because it shouldn’t be a fucking secret , ev . this is fantastic , ” hazel eyes widened with excitement , “ so you’re shooting them for –– . . . ”

“ t’ey weren’t too explicit about it . i know for certain i’m covering bot’ shows at t’e o2 , documenting t’e whole thing from t’e moment they get there , ” evan huffed a curl away from her face , nodding to the screen , “ and t’en a shoot on site at t’e venue . so i’ve got to work wit’ what i’ve got . i’ve got ONE chance here , and nicky haven scares t’e absolute fuck out’a me , so i can’t blow it . ”

“ nicky haven scares EVERYONE . it’s part of his charm , ” isla leaned in , making herself perfectly comfortable in evan’s space as she took the mouse and began clicking through different ideas opened on photoshop , “ let’s see what you’ve got so far –– . . . ”

“ isla , it’s not a big deal . really i shouldn’t even be working on t’is HERE , right now . it’s not exactly nme related stuff , you kn–– ”

“ i TOLD you she was here today , ” a girl called sophie , who manned nme’s front desk in the mornings , materialized on the other side of evan’s desk . a junior writer , andrew , was hot on her heels .

“ soph , now really probably isn’t the best time and it really isn’t your busi–– ”

“ someone’s got to show her , ” sophie was , admittedly , obnoxious . and coming from EVAN , that was a feat .

“ show WHAT to WHO ? ” isla’s voice changed in tone , taking on a hint of authority as she looked at andrew , “ aren’t you meant to be doing some social media research right now ? ”

“ i WAS , but –– ”

“ but we’ve found something that evan HAS to see , ” sophie . again .

“ we ? ”

“ ME ? ” evan said in tandem with isla , brows lifting as she clicked the final piece into place on the cube . she glanced over at isla and felt a strange twist in her stomach when she saw the redhead had gone rigid .

“ is this about –– ”

“ rebecca stringer , ” andrew nodded solemnly , as though evan was supposed to know who the hell THAT was .

“ better known as BEX , ” sophie added .

it was evan’s turn to go rigid . her back straightened , and it felt like ice had just been shot through her veins . truth be told , she was more worried about conflicting schedules lately . . . not the way bex sing-songed a shortened version of kieran’s name . . . or the way she answered his phone and simply couldn’t remember who evan was . . . or the way she’d made sure evan could hear her promise to personally deliver kieran to his hotel room that first night in los angeles . it wasn’t exactly PLEASANT being reminded of the instinct that she’d shut down , intuition telling her something wasn’t quite right there . her brows pinched together as the rubik’s cube slid from one hand to the other and back . she glanced over at isla with a prompting look .

“ we’re . . . doing a piece about nepotism babies in the industry , and she’s a PERFECT example of one so i was having andrew look into the way she interacts with fans and her socials and what not . she’s one of like TEN people we’re looking into , ” she explained with an apologetic look . it was then that she turned a sharp eye to andrew and sophie , “ don’t know what THAT has to do with evan , though . ”

“ see for yourself . ”

“ SOPHIE . ”

“ what ? it probably isn’t even new information for her , ” she shrugged , reaching over two monitors to hand evan a phone . twitter was opened to a profile with bex’s beaming face in the icon , but the handle wasn’t hers . she gave the pair of them a skeptical look before glancing over at isla who only offered a half - hearted shrug . it didn’t take long to see what , exactly , sophie had been talking about , a slew of tweets and retweets .

bexupdates : bex & kieran pulled up to the venue together . . . and then left at the same time . why are they lowkey so cute annathefound : not bex wearing a baby tee version of the found’s merch . . . stanning her boyfriend just like the rest of us

ruairidailyposts : ok wait are evan & kieran even dating anymore bc i could be down with a bex & kieran moment cheerupbailey : @ruairidailyposts you know two people can have a relationship without posting about it right ??? they’re in separate countries rn lol

babybexxx : i just think that bex & kieran walsh as a power couple .

bxhq : no offense but bex is simply so much better for him than some rando from ireland like what thefoundupdates : @bxhq babes they LITERALLY grew up together ????

totallyconan : be honest do u guys think the reason evan isn’t on tour with them is bc they’re not together anymore like she literally never misses shows

adamfitzupdates : why are y’all so obsessed with a relationship that doesn’t concern you ??? chill bexlevitates : @adamfitzupdates bc it’s weird that evan knew him for so long and only started dating him AFTER the found started to get big like that’s shady

bexupdates : find someone who looks at u the way bex looks at kieran on stage wtf did y’all see that

newruleshq : no waaaay this man has a gf when he and bex look so good next to each other LMAO

thefoundupdates : according to the girl who wrote the article kieran literally WALKED OUT on the interview ??? rockstar behavior but also hope he’s ok

evan could’ve kept scrolling for hours as her heart rate began to rise and rise . the crease between her brows deepened , and she reminded herself of everything she knew to be true . kieran LOVED her . twitter was a BRUTAL place . it was as though the worst parts of her subconscious had come to life in 280 characters or less . her head began to swim as her heart sank into her stomach .

“ what does t’is –– . . . ” her voice cracked , and she cleared her throat , finally looking up from the phone screen , “ why , exactly , are you showing me this ? ”

sophie looked as though she was shocked by evan’s question , “ because i’ve dated musicians . . . and like HALF of those are in bex’s likes . which are public , by the way . just doesn’t seem subtle to me . ”

“ are you trying to insinuate something here , sophie ? ” her tone shifted , irritated as she handed the phone back .

“ like i said , i’ve dated guys in bands , too , and –– ”

“ enough , ” isla snapped , “ you’re sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong . BOTH of you should be off doing your jobs right now , so , run along . ”

both of them scurried off without a word .

evan was still for a moment , but her fingertips were itching for the keyboard . she was no stranger to things like this , unkind words from strangers who didn’t LOVE the idea of her –– despite not knowing her . the good outweighed the bad on the internet , but the voices who didn’t like her were always the loudest . even BEFORE she and kieran had gone public with their relationship . . . even before they were ever in a relationship at all . over time , she’d learned to tune it out and focus on the kindness that flooded her comment sections and mentions . . . but every now and again something slipped through the cracks . . . and when they did , she absorbed them like a blow to the abdomen . they settled into her memory and cemented themselves there , tucked away until they found the perfect moment to make her self conscious . like the fan who had commented on the shape of her body before and after going to uni . . . and another from galway who made it their business to let everyone know she’d slept around while living there . . . and every time someone said she wasn’t good enough for kieran or any of them . that she had bad intentions , leeching onto the boys for fame . that her career was based SOLELY on the four of them .

if she caved and kept scrolling , she’d commit it all to memory . . . everything that made her intuition about bex STRONGER .

instead , she launched forward and snatched the rubik’s cube back up , immediately distorting its perfect faces and mixing it up again . it was good to keep your hands busy , she knew , when your mind began to run away .

the worst of it wasn’t even TRULY comments about their relationship . . . those hurt , but they didn’t sting quite as bad as real - time updates about kieran and bex showing up or leaving venues together . she dulled the pain by reminding herself that THREE other boys were never too far behind . that kieran would never . . . COULD never . . .

but then again , there was the tweet that weighed heaviest in her mind . kieran walked out in the middle of an interview , and he hadn’t told her . something rattled him to the point of his version of an outburst , and he hadn’t told her . that seemed like something he would have told her . . . it seemed important enough , she thought to herself , right ? RIGHT ?

her throat felt tight , and she kept running the tweets she’d read over in her mind . there was a deep furrow in her brow as she looked down at her hands , still vehemently mixing up the toy . something felt off kilter . . . but she couldn’t pin down which hurt more : the slew of tweets from people pretending to know what went on in her relationship . . . or the thought of kieran doing something as rash as storming out of an interview –– and then not telling her .

“ i didn’t know about t’e interview bit , ” she said quietly , eyes still trained on the colorful cube . she was certain her face was the opposite , color drained .

“ evan –– . . . ”

“ it’s fine , ” she said firmly , “ it’s probably not true . just like t’e rest of it isn’t true . ”

her voice sounded distant . . . and she wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince isla or HERSELF . clearing her throat again , she set the toy back down on her desk and scooted towards the computer .

“ i’ve got work to do , ” she said quietly , getting back to the monitor . though all she wanted to do was go home . how many more people thought that she wasn’t GOOD ENOUGH for kieran ? how many people thought someone like bex was a better fit ? how long would it take for the suggestion to become potent enough to make the people who KNEW them question it as well ? and if kieran had walked out of an interview , WHY hadn’t he told her ?

she glanced down at her own phone screen , hoping that maybe she’d missed a text or a call . . . but all she got was nothing . nothing but the words she’d seen written down , now cemented in her mind : bex is simply so much better for him . . . because SHE was there , wrapped up in the same world he was in . she was accessible . immediate . beautiful .

and evan was stuck in london with nothing but time to wonder .

#idk what to taaaag it

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castelli-pack · 4 years ago

Text

First Kiss

"Ash I..." he started then, making up his mind, he touched Ash's face instead. The only thing he could do was to close the distance between them. Kissing Ash that moment wasn't even a choice, it was inevitable.

---

Nothing exciting was happening at work, the café was so empty Sam was sure the apocalypse had happened and people forgot to tell them.

His head, on the other hand, was really busy since it was pretty much just Ash. Every single free moment Sam had, he noticed he would think about Ash. How his hair looked great that morning, the way he said 'thanks' when Sam gave him his favorite chocolate yesterday, how beautiful was his laugh when they were discussing shitty tv shows. Sam was sure that everything about Ash was just as appealing to him.

Was it love? Was he in love? Was he in love with Ash?

Did he want to spend every free time with him? Yes. Was Ash the last and the first thing he thought about basically every day? Yes. Would he do pretty much everything to make Ash happy? YES.

Damn, he was in love, right? And he didn't know how to deal with this, everything was too new but if he was being honest it also felt really good.

What didn't feel good was not knowing how Ash actually felt about him. He knew Ash liked him, but he wasn't sure about what type of 'like' that was. Although lately, he noticed small changes in Ash's behavior. Right after they solved all the Isaac and Ash fight and Ash would start being around more, he noticed how Ash was always flirting and talking to some guy, it was carefree nothing serious. Sam never liked that.

He wouldn't say a thing, of course, he had no right but he couldn't understand at first how much that made him mad. He knew now.

But Ash wasn't doing that anymore, was he? Nowadays he'd go to Sam's café and study on his spell notebook alone, often throwing smiles at Sam. He'd wait for him to finish his shift and they'd both walk home together. He stopped going out alone at night and he'd stay with Sam, watching tv and simply hanging out. They'd often just drive aimlessly and they'd talk, talk and talk.

Sam was never this happy before.

So, what did all of that mean? Would Ash want to be more than friends? He needed to know. But since he had no idea how to even ask, he texted Ash instead because why the fuck not? It's not like he was gonna send love letters to him, he just wanted to talk.

Sam: '- Is there anyone alive? Is the whole world asleep? Are we the last people on Earth?????? -'

Ash: '- lmao no costumers?-'

Sam: 'It's like the end of the fucking world and post-apocalypse people hate coffee-"

Ash: '- Do you see anyone around?-'

Sam: '- Nope, you're the first sign of life since a VERY LONG TIME-'

Ash: '-Fuck Sam we are the last people on Earth then, how will you survive with only me to keep you company?-"

Sam: '-I'm sure I can manage, we can rule the whole empty world together-'

Ash: '-that's so badass of us, fucking kings, I like that, your highness!-'

Sam read the whole conversation again and... were they flirting? Was this how people flirt? Was Ash flirting???? He took a deep breath, flirting or not, the mood was really nice so he could act on it.

Sam: '-Oh your majesty, would you give me the honor of your presence and join me on a short trip tonight?-'

Ash: '-I need to break the king fantasy to say: smooth and of fucking course I'd join you-'

Smooth??? What did Ash mean with that? Sam was quick to answer anyway.

Sam: '-You don't even know where we're going how did you say yes? Maybe I'm taking you to Florida and you just agreed to this absurd-'

Ash: '- Are you going to be there?-'

Sam: '-Yeah?-'

Ash: '-then the destination doesn't really matter, honestly Sam I can't with you-'

Wow. wow. WOW. Did he actually? Sam needed to chill.

Sam: '-I'm happy to know that I think? but I won't take you to Florida, not today at least, so tonight, should we leave around 6 pm? My shift ends at 5 pm-'

Ash: '-sounds great-'

Sam: '-okay, see you soon <3-'

Sam almost didn't send the heart but since he was just throwing everything he had today he just said fuck it, he wasn't expecting the answer right away though.

Ash: '- can't wait <3<3-'

Two hearts. WHAT DID THAT MEAN.

Overthinking, that was the theme of this trip.

*********

They were inside the car. Sam was driving and Ash had his head against the window, it was a comfortable silence. Except it wasn't silent inside the car since there was music on and Sam was cursing his tastes so much because every single song playing was a love ballad. He was blushing without even looking at Ash, it was ridiculous since most of those songs made Sam think about him.

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you

Yes, there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you

Jesus christ Sam was gonna crash that car. He noticed Ash moved a bit and he wondered if he was reacting to the song as well because Sam himself was about to jump out of the car or jump on Ash, he wasn't quite sure.

If I didn't know you, I'd rather not know

If I couldn't have you, I'd rather be alone

That actually made Sam think about how he never knew what love felt like until Ash and he really didn't want anyone else. If Ash didn't feel the same way about him would he rather be alone? Probably. He only ever wanted one person in his life and he doesn't think he'd ever want another. Some people would say that's stupid, how could he know? But he did and he was okay with this, he would accept whatever Ash was willing to give him.

Sam noticed how beautiful the stars were and he remembered something.

"When I was little I'd look at the sky and hope I'd be tall enough to reach the stars... I mean maybe that is the reason I got this tall," Ash laughed out loud.

"What would I want to reach to be this short? Hell?"

"I mean you can be really devilish if you want so maybe?" Sam joked.

"Oh shut up, I'm a fucking angel how can you even say that?" Ash said pretending to be offended.

"Right, how unfair of me, it's really offensive when people say the truth,"

"Little shit" Ash smiled more.

That was when their car started making weird noises.

"See, even the car agrees you're being a little shit, it doesn't want you to keep driving"

"Haha really funny Ash, for real I think the car is dying??"

Not exactly the car but the battery. Sam couldn't believe he didn't check this, that was so fucking stupid of him. Great, imagine telling Ash he wanted to be his boyfriend when he couldn't even take him out without breaking his damn car.

They stopped in a field near the road. Sam was feeling like shit. He wanted to show Ash a beautiful place that night and what he got were grass and an empty field.

"I'm sorry Ash... that wasn't what I had planned," Sam said sadly.

"What do you mean? You didn't plan our car breaking down in the middle of nowhere? I'm so shocked!" Ash said joking but Sam seemed actually down.

"Sam really? I'm kidding, I don't really care, our time together is what it matters, for real," Sam looked at him and he seemed less devastated. "Also, look at that fucking sky, come on let's see if you are able to reach them now!"

Ash got out of the car and Sam couldn't do anything but follow him. Outside he looked at the sky and he couldn't believe how bright the stars were, it was like a movie.

"See? I guess we are already in a great place, so do you need me to climb your shoulders?" Ash asked.

"W-what? Climb my what?" Sam asked choking a bit.

"To reach the stars? What did you think it was? Oh wow Sammy boy, do we have a dirty mind here?" Ash teased.

"Of course not, I was just confused stop!" Ash just laughed. Sam would give everything to hear that for the rest of his life.

They both sat on the floor in front of the car so they could rest their backs.

"You know, I never really had the opportunity to do that, just watch the stars and fuck? They are really beautiful, it doesn't even seem real." Ash said looking up.

All Sam could actually look at was Ash. His presence was brighter than that whole sky.

"We can always come here and look at them if you want," Sam said, basically whispering. He didn't know how but he noticed he was impossibly close to Ash, if he turned his head he'd feel his breathing.

"Yeah? Then it's a promise." Ash said as he turned to look at Sam. He kept looking at him and Sam couldn't look anywhere else but his eyes. It was now or never.

At first, it was sweet, just a brush of lips. He looked at Ash's eyes, and whatever he saw on them made him kiss him again this time deeply, almost desperately. It was never like this with anyone but again, they weren't Ash, nobody would ever be Ash.

Ash kissed him back with the same intensity, his hands holding Sam's neck, pulling him closer. It was perfect, under that sky, under a see of stars the most magical thing was their kiss.

When they broke apart they didn't say anything for a moment, they just breathe each other. Sam was the one breaking the silence.

"So, I like you," He said almost too fast to be understandable.

"No shit? You know what, I totally didn't notice this, not even when your tongue was in my mouth," Sam groaned.

"Ashhh, I'm serious!" Sam said frustrated.

"Me too? I'm so serious I guess you should do it again, just so I can be sure, you know, the whole tongue thing?" Sam laughed.

"Well just so you can be sure right?"

"Totally yeah" Ash agreed smiling.

Before Sam could start kissing him again Ash held his head away for a second.

"What's wrong?" Sam asked worried.

"I like...you too." And he kissed a very surprised Sam before he could answer anything back and well, he didn't complain at all.

They forgot about their broken car until Ash had to call Isaac at 2 am and all Sam could hear was "DAMN IT TURNER I WAS SLEEPING".

Ash held Sam's hand while they both laughed and Sam promised to those stars he'd do anything to keep laughing alongside Ash.

#sam thorne #ash turner #smash

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saltine-kakyoin · 5 years ago

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🎶 and jotaro and also kakyoin AND another character..whoever u want ;)

oho… you’ve sent me another message? you know what comes next bro, u brought this upon yourself….this is us now man

anyhow, AH. thos boys…god this one is gonna be so difficult because I have So Many Songs that are tied to them. as for the other character, i think i will do my boy sergio because i really need to share my brainstorming songs for him before i explode! :0 thank you again for sending these in, bro!! have a good night, ily! c:

this will be long bc i always ramble..i will be tagging this as long post for mobile gang!

Jotaro:

thom- i hate to start this off with a jotakak-themed song because i know some people Despise jk. i’m sorry for y’all who do, but ahh this song has been stuck in my head for days now! :’( In terms of the SDA, i always think of this song as like…jotaro’s bittersweet journey w his feelings for kak. it’s something about the like, ghostly windchimes in the beginning, the phone buzzing in the bg, and the “please don’t run away”s man, ahhh. I listen to this song a lot when brainstorming him coming to accept that friendship is as far as he and kak go. However,“ The pitter patter gave a rather rinse and lather feeling/ As opposed to shitty attitudes that made me bitter after laughter/ And I dearly regretted it” really makes me think of pt. 4 jotaro in any context. We only see the end result of his development from SDC, but like hhh… do you think he regrets being so gruff? I think of that 1 fanart where he’s looking at the group picture + hoping they knew he wasn’t annoyed by them (or something along those lines, i forget the exact line…ahh)

something’s missing- So, ofc not all parts of this song apply.. and truthfully, I listen to this song while thinking of the immediate period after the crusade in the SDA and how the crusaders are all left with this hole in them (..@kakyoin literally.. i’m sorry i had to. also, abdul is the hole). Out of all of them, though, I always think of Jotaro the most w this song- “My dad asks, ‘Were you okay out where you were stranded?’ How do I tell him that I wasn’t just okay… I was so much better?” LIKE DAMN THAT IS ONE (1) KUJO JOTARO… :( i think he comes back from the crusade and just feels.. severely misplaced. Going back to Japan and the girls following him to school every morning feels so alien to him.

tempest rhapsody- this song is just… *chef kiss* It makes me think of like. star platinum’s first manifestation, and of the emotions one would feel during a 50-day crusade to a place you’ve never been before, where you run the risk of death at least once a week…how would it feel to know if you got seriously injured in a fight, there would be a very real possibility that your *cough* dearly beloved *cough* mother could die? this song is my answer to that question

only in sleep- another choir song! i cannot help myself. This one is more for canon Jotaro. I’ve read a few fics about the universe reset where he’s reunited with the other crusaders one last time before everything becomes nil, and…..augh. “The years had not sharpened their smooth round faces, I met their eyes and found them mild — Do they, too, dream of me, I wonder, And for them am I too a child?“ is imo such a jotaro 4 am deliberation

softly- THIS. this was the Original jotakak song, no offense thom. i used to listen to this song on REPEAT while reading nessun dorma, ahhh. so much of the sda jotakak dynamic is shaped from that fic and this song, hghshg. Anyhow, now that I’ve worked on the development of their relationship in the sda, this song is most definitely a song for the jotaro who unknowingly pines in 3rd year and then comes to realize that ah…these are Emotions during uni. during their third year, jotaro and kakyoin do a ton of self-exploration, and spend more than one night floating in the pitch black void of the ocean talking about what they’re going to do after graduation with only the stars to accompany them. they lose this when jotaro goes to florida for uni + kakyoin paris, but they make up for it by calling each other all the time, so “Touch you softly I call you up late at night” made this song an instant hit in my book ghshghw. I adore this song, through and through. ;u;

post-published honorable mention bc i rediscovered him while i was workin on polnareff’s playlist!! DOLLY ZOOM is another really good song for pining jotaro. in the sda, he feels really Horrible about having a crush on kakyoin for a long time because he and his family (that is phrased weird, i am sorry) are the entire reason kakyoin got a hole punched right through his abdomen and spine. they’re the entire reason kakyoin spent months learning how to walk and use his legs again. he doesn’t do anything except bury his feelings because, to him, it’d be Really selfish to do otherwise. i listened to dolly zoom nonstop when i started writing Jotaro’s Decade-Long Yearn because it captures the guilt really well, ahh.

Kakyoin (it is 1:24 am as i’m starting this… let’s see how long i agonize over this part lmao)

ultraviolence- ahh, ze Mindworm Song. I really despise diokak and the fact that he had to spend like…3-4 months with the mindworm just chilling in his brain, but I can’t ignore the fact that he latched onto dio’s friendship and was initially elated to have that whole thing happen. It haunts Kakyoin in canon, and it Most Definitely haunts him in the SDA, and i think he and jotaro have a lot of conversations about how and why and what that whole experience was like. I always end up coming back to this song when brainstorming this year in the au. The beginning just sounds so lonely, and the background choir/ voices really give me the heebie jeebies. Then, there’s the build-up to the beat drop, which really make me think of like. what being mindwormed could feel like? And how it must feel to be so lost in that sauce that you become a passenger in your own mind, lost to the whim of one super manipulative vampire, augh. “You give me love, you know you give me love with your ultraviolet rays” ties into a few of FKA Twigs’ other songs where she sings about not being enough and really obsessively deriving love from someone whose attention is ultimately really harmful and unhealthy, and I think about that and Kakyoin a lot. :(

sound and color- so truthfully, this is my go-to song for any character that dies/almost dies and comes back, or goes through a Huge Life Change. kakyoin fits both of these bills to a T! this song makes me think of getting used to being around such a rowdy but tight-knit group of people who genuinely care about you All Day Long after spending your entire life in isolation. I always think of like, a happiness montage when the second half of this song comes around, and the montage i daydream about for kak during that section is *chef kiss* Sound + Color is like one of the best songs ever, and it’d be a crime to not have a kak setting for it.

first love/late spring- fellas, here’s the kakyoin equivalent to jotaro’s softly. this song was IT, back when the sergio-divergent au and the “All the Crusaders Live” au were two separate things. back then, kakyoin and jotaro’s realization that oh, fuck, they really meant the entire world to each other happened much earlier in the plot. Looking back on that now makes me squint, but I do think that this song is still really fitting for kakyoin exploring those feelings- friendship is one thing, but romance is something entirely different and a lot more intimate. i think it’s a tug-of-war for him, between wanting to jump in to those feelings and wanting to run far far away from them because he doesn’t want to be wrong and ruin their friendship. good times in the kak hole

last words of a shooting star- I really love the bastard fucker side of kakyoin that is explored and celebrated in our fanon, but I can never shake the fact that some of his last thoughts were of his parents (and i think he was sorry for making them worry? which… baby…) and that his polite, “outwardly anxious” presentation was this big facade for like.. the Deep and Soul-Wrenching loneliness he felt because he was a stand user? The first stanza and “They’ll never know how I’d stared at the dark in that room/ With no thoughts” make me think of kakyoin deeply- if his family had never gone to egypt and he’d never met dio or jotaro, what would have happened to him? Who would he be? i’ve always been super attached to that part of kak bc fundamentally… I Relate. but also i am just fond of it because it makes me sob- he deserved so much better than to get murdered by the same man who manipulated his entire identity right at the climax of his character arc….some crimes can never be forgiven, hirohiko….

vertigo- i don’t listen to this song for kak often, but it is a Quintessential Kakyoin song. according to khalid’s twitter, vertigo is a song about “Overcoming overthinking. After every dark days, there’s a brighter outcome. Being at a super low place in your life and realizing that, there’s other people going through that same path you’re walking down. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel. It’s also a story about fear of abandonment.” which….Big Kakyoin Energies. The “Are we alive?Or are we dreaming?” part also ties back into the Kakyoin Parties in a Coma for a Month arc- your mind has a wild wild time when you’re in a medically induced coma, theoretically because it’s trying to fill in the blanks for all of the stuff you’re sensing? And coming out of a medically induced coma is a bizarre experience, where it’s hard to tell if you’re still in the coma and just imagining things or if you’re actually awake. Kakyoin has a mad time in the month immediately after SDC, one that i’m sure he doesn’t enjoy too much after the death 13 fight.

honorable mention goes to i am not yours- this has been a kak song to me for a long time as well. the context of the song is way different from my interpretation for this setting, but AH. I just think kakyoin really struggles to differentiate and understand romantic feelings. This song really reminds me of that struggle, and I think also touches nicely on like. the identity issue of it all too.. “yet i am i, who long to be” yanno? ; J ; it’s hard for me to explain

another honorable mention, my statue sinking. in the sda, after the events in egpyt, kakyoin is thrown into a coma for like an entire month while his body gets operated back together, and then he spends months in physical therapy learning how to walk w a prosthetic spine (kudos to cyborg speedwagon being a reverse engineering madman :D). i like to imagine that there’s also some degree of therapy going on this whole time, also. you don’t just get donuted + thrown into a coma for a month without some counseling to get you back on your feet..i think the lasting effects of dio’s influence are addressed here, but only briefly because it’s not something kakyoin is eager to explore. however, I think that this song captures the like... distress? i guess? of knowing that your life has been irreparably thrown off course because of dio. like yes, you met some really wonderful people that helped you learn how deeply healing friendship could be! but also.. you lost months of your life to mind control, and then another month to a coma, and then additional months to training your body to function again....there’s some psychological stress there. While I think that Jotaro and Polnareff are affected the most by the crusade, I think they all emerge from it with some degree of ptsd. Being targeted by complete strangers at all times of day cannot be good for your mental health, you know? Anyhow, I think My Statue Sinking captures that aftermath feeling really well. Everyone survives and recovers from the crusade, but there’s a part in all of them that is lost to Egypt.

on to sergio!! (it is now 2:04 am lmaooooooo) sergio will be easy because I only ever listen to the same handful of songs when I’m writing him hdhgh

i will come to you- this is THE sergio song. i think of this song every time i write about him, whether it’s the “believe in me…” “also believe in me” lyric exchange that i imagine he has with both tomoko and holly; the “and i will pray to my father…my father…and he will abide” part being about him reaching out to joseph with his final breaths and spilling all of the beans about dio and begging him to finish things so that Tomoko and Josuke, the Kujos, and he and Suzi can be safe; the “foreeever……foreee-eever.. forever..” part being where he dies and his soul passes into the next realm.. “even the spirit of truth [golden prophet] whom the world [..yeah..] cannot receive, because it seeth him not [bc suad defects and buries sergio instead of bringing his dead body to dio]. Neither knoweth him, but you know him…for he dwelleth in you and he shall be in you [literally the entire joestar/kujo/higashikata family being so near and dear to him + his spirit being with them even after death]” and then, like.. george i, jonathan, and george ii coming to retrieve his soul during the “heeeee shallll beee in youuu” part… “i will not leave you comfortless. i Will Not leave.. You Comfortless… iiii wiiiill come…. to you.. to You” part being about his soul mingling within star platinum and crazy diamond because he has a Need, even in death, to protect them. UGH (also his essence being especially prevalent in crazy diamond, which is partially why its power is to repair things!! bc hamon! ; O ;) literally I have an Entire music video with sergio’s death set to this music. i’ve listened to it way too many times.

when david heard- so to be frank this is actually more of a joseph song, but it’s only a joseph song when sergio exists + gets murdered. :o i cried the first time i listened to this, and then months later i listened to it while thinking of sergio + like. sobbed fr fr. Joseph is asleep when Sergio calls him, so he gets sergio’s final message as a voicemail on his answering machine hours after the fact. the message itself is chilling because Joseph had no clue his son had gone on this huge mission by himself to kill Dio, and now he’s dead! however, it’s made even worse because Joseph wasn’t there to pick the call up and comfort his son in his dying breaths or do Anything. it’s just like Caesar, which is. god awful. it’s such a horrible realization because sergio, whom joseph named after what caesar wanted to name his own son, has been condemned to the same fate as his namesake. Thus this song- i’ve yet to come across a song that captures the feeling of hearing that kind of news so well. (also when i tag things as my sOOOOON or *cries my son in 8-part harmony a la whitacre*, this is the song i’m referencing :D)

zombies / terrified- ahhh, these songs capture the HORROR sergio feels upon sensing dio’s presence in Japan really well. (also “I’m going to eat you alive/please don’t find me rude, but i don’t eat fast food/ so don’t run too fast” is SUCH a dio mood…) Sergio maintains his composure about the Dio Dilemma for a good year before he flies off the handle, and his entire proto-crusade against the vampire is just. Laced with paranoia, even if he is learning a ton of useful skills. These two songs capture that feeling of something constantly watching/creeping up on you so well, and ever since i discovered them, I’ve listened to them for Sergio inspo.

the prophet- This is the only song I’ve done so far that the characters would actually listen to lmao. Sergio is a Huge fan of The Temptations, and his stand is actually named after this song! (+ the esoteric title for the hermit, which was really amazing luck on my end ; J ;) it also had a huge hand in figuring out what his stand power would be, the lyric that decided it was “God doesn’t listen to the words you pray; he hears what your heart has got to say.” However, the entire last stanza of the song ties really well into his character arc fhshgh. Also, this song just feels like it could Be the child of Bloody Stream, if that makes any sense. it’s so groovy and funky, but the lyrics are like big ominous lmao. I was super ecstatic to find this song- if sergio were to ever get an animation, this song would be the OP, yanno?

armageddon- This is another “this song would be on their personal playlist” song. Sergio’s got a lot of love for all styles of music in his heart, but jazz is his home base and always what he comes back to. I like to imagine that Lisa Lisa’s husband introduces Sergio to Wayne Shorter’s music at the age of like 8 or 9, and Sergio’s just. obsessed with the man’s music for the rest of his life. I really love Shorter’s explanation for the meaning of this song and its album as a whole: “What I’m trying to express here is a sense of judgment approaching - judgment for everything alive from the smallest ant to man. I know that the accepted meaning of ‘Armageddon’ is the last battle between good and evil - whatever it is. But my definition of the judgment to come is a period of total enlightenment in which we will discover what we are and why we’re here.” Like… wig.. I feel like that’s such big sergio energy. Armageddon itself also feels like a really nice ED- it’s lively, but in a good episode-ending kind of way. Do i dream of animating Sergio’s adventure one day? Mayhaps.

honorable mention goes to just my imagination/ my girl- We’ve covered that Sergio adores The Temptations, so it’s no secret that he would listen to these songs ceaselessly. however, i really like the broadway harmonies + instrumentals that they did for Ain’t Too Proud, so that’s what’s goin in here. these songs are THE tomoko/sergio songs…He loves Tomoko and the way she quips + teases + gets up to nonsense with him So Much. There’s a huge part of him that has No Idea what Tomoko sees in a music geek like him, but ughh he is so grateful that she likes him because she is a Goddess. he’s blessed yo..

#long post #i went into a deep meditative state typing this... i don't even remember typing some of this ghdhs #it is 3 am and i am BOPPING to the temptations tho so it's all good #this ask meme is so fun.. litch rally anything w music is bound to be a Good TIme #thank you for asking again!! <3 #fullmetal-the-last-alchemist

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franeridart · 6 years ago

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dude your recent demon & angel kiribaku art reminds me a little bit of aziraphale and crowley from good omens!! like aziraphale would be angrier as baku obvs but still i thought of it and it made me happy lol

A lot of people have mentioned that in the tags/under the post and that makes me!!! super happy!!!! Good Omens is one of my fav books and Crowley one of my fav characters, so the comment feels nice! I wasn’t specifically thinking about them when drawing it, but possibly a bit I was influenced anyway!! I wonder if what made everyone think about them was Kiri’s sunglasses? It’s not noticeable but I did give him glowing eyes too after all haha

Anon said:Have you ever thought about how op a TodoBakuDeku fusion would be? (if they could stay together that is lol!)

Never thought of it tbh, but at this point I’m pretty sure with a lot of work on Baku’s part they’d be able to stick together long enough! He wouldn’t find it comfortable but they’d def be one of the strongest three-people-fusions in the class - not the strongest, tho, since they all have the same sort of straightforward offensive power when it comes to their quirks, I think I could find three people who’d make a stronger fusion... Baku Kiri and Momo, for example, would be even more impressive imho! Since all their quirks cover a different field, and their minds/personalities mesh well enough to have the right amount of planning and instinctive reaction/self-preservation and safety of others/pride and self-doubt/lawfulness and chaotic acting and so on. Even just as a team, without counting them as a fusion, I think they’d make one of the most balanced ones! Compared to that putting Todo Deku and Baku in the same place is just a recipe for disaster more often than not haha

Anon said:no, i move slow, I wanna stop time, I'll sit here til I find the,, inspiration to draw,,,,,,

LMAO it’s a song about art block after all, I feel every word in it a whole damn lot hahaha

Anon said:Art block or no art block, I love everything you come up with 💜

AW HECK ANON you’re so sweet!!! Thank you so much!!!!! ;O;

Anon said:Mixing thei hero names? So uuuh King Riot?

We still don’t know Baku’s hero name, so anything might be, really! It’s why I didn’t outright have Kiri mention any idea, I got no clue myself where he was going with it haha it’d be cool if his hero name were Ground Zero, because it’d mix well with Red Riot imho (Red Zero or Ground Riot or Red Ground, they all sound nice!) but what if Baku’s hero name ends up just being Katsuki, after all? How do you mix that with Red Riot? (the answer is Red Victory, or Akatsu!! from akai (red) + katsu !! ngl I’ve thought about this a lot lmao) anyway so many possibilities so little known facts!

Anon said:I love the details on Kiri and Baku's skin. Great job!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

Anon said:!!!!!!!!!! fran oh my god your zine piece is so beautiful!!!!!!!

Sob thank youuu!!!! I’m glad you liked it!!!! ;O;

Anon said:i just got my zine and the art and writing was so lovely, i loved your comic at the end. an amazing way to end the zine♡

THANK YOU!!!! I’m jelly, I still haven’t gotten mine ;O; I hope the comic was easy to read even in printed form, I’ve been worried about that for months hahaha rip at least there’s the pdf

Anon said: i’m in love with your kiri bday art!!!! with the colorless art like that, are we allowed to color it? of course no posting it, but just for fun.

If you promise not to post it, I’m cool with it! Thank you for liking it enough to want to do that!!! Seriously tho don’t post it if you do

Anon said:Can you draw more kamisero? g u d q u a l i t y s h i p ma' dude.

Maybe? Currently it really isn’t between my top priorities but who knows

Anon said:FRANNNNN!!!! Your comic for the Take My Hand zine!!!! I'm gonna cry! It's so beautiful and the boys are so perfect! Your art is so amazing, I was so thrilled to see your piece. Not to mention the detail you put in. Their hands killed me! With Bakugou's palms and Kiri's arms! Ugh, I just can't, I love it so much.

I’M SO GLAD YOU LIKED THE HANDS it’s weird bc that one panel is probably my fav in the comic and I was so sure no one was gonna really notice it but!! So many people did!!!!! It makes me so happy oh man ;O;

Anon said:Hey coulda maybe make a traitor Kaminari comic?

Nope! No traitor arts here, sorry! SInce I don’t believe any of the theories to the point of finding them outright laughable, any art I could ever make about it would just come out looking either fake or ridiculous and no one wants to see that lmao

Anon said:your take my hand comic!!! it's so good!! thank you for doing the boys so well ;;;

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOUUUU!!!!!!!!

Anon said:I don't know if you remember, but a couple months ago I asked if it'd be okay for me to write something based on a few of your art pieces. Would that still be alright? Your art is gorgeous and makes my brain think and brings joy to me all the time ^^ would absolutely link to the art and credit you. that's not even a question :)

That still depends on which art you’re specifically talking about! And thank you so much for the compliment!!

Anon said:I don’t know if you read fan fiction, but I have one to suggest to you! It’s called, “It’s Obvious When You Lie”. Only three chapters are out so far, but it’s really good!

I’ll add it to my marked for later list then!! Thank you so much for the rec, I don’t easily try out ongoing fics so this was very nice of u!!!

Anon said:In the body switch AU Todoroki sees how fucked up Midoriya feels around Bakugou('s body?) and realizes wow fuck this guy has traumatized my bf. I wonder what I can do to fuck w/ him so the day before they switch back (So Bakugou can't do much in retaliation) he takes Bakugou's body and does the stupidest bullshit ever as revenge

HECK anon sorry but nothing like this would happen ever as long as I’m the one writing the AU! For three main reasons! One, I don’t think Deku is traumatized at all! His relationship with Baku at the moment is actually pretty damn neat and on equal footing, you go you two, growing so much!! Two, Baku and Todo are friends!!! And Todo would never be a dick to Baku instead of just talking to him, if he had a problem with him!! Three, even if one and two weren’t true, Deku has no need for knights in shining armor fighting his battles for him!! He’s a strong independent boy and if he hasn’t fought Baku over this it’s probs cause he doesn’t want anyone to fight him over it!!! Also in this specific AU Todo and Deku aren’t dating, so the scenario doesn’t work for me! Sorry!

Anon said:Have you ever thought about krbk wedding?

I have! And I’ve talked about it on here a few times too! Lately I’ve been thinking about it again tho, from a designs point of view, because!! There’s that very neat post going around tumblr about that wedding photos in which one of the two grooms has a white tux with a cape, and I’ve been thinking about a variation of it for Kirishima’s wedding suit :0 something red instead of white, but generally similar! It’s a lot of effort to draw it so I still haven’t, but yeh!!

Anon said:Hello! I read this fic about your cat comics and the author said to send you some love in their end notes so here is some well-deserved love: your art is beautiful! It's why I became interested in BakuShima and I would not have loved these characters as much if it weren't for you. You also seem to be a very nice person, your mind is beautiful and I am glad you exist

G O DS this is such a nice ask!!!! thank you so so much!!!! ;O;

Anon said:Non chiedo una risposta a questo messaggio, anzi. Volevo solo dirti che trovo la tua arte FANTASTICA, e non sai quanto i tuoi comic e tutto il tuo lavoro mi ha strappato più di un sorriso in brutti momenti. Sapere che sei italiana mi ha fatto totalmente impazzire. Continua così, hai del talento vero. E grazie!

NUHHHH GRAZIE A TE PER ESSERE COSI’ GENTILE OMFG !!!!!!!!!! ;A;

Anon said:Okay okay okay! I adore your art! Could you maybe... draw some KiriBaku fantasy? If it’s not too much to ask! It can be as simple as can be! Your art is just really cute!

Yes I can and yes I will!!! Definitely and in the near future, did you know one of the app games JUST revealed a fantasy wolf Baku as a special halloween chara?? It’s just fantasy Baku with wolf ears and tail, but he’s adorable and I’ve been wanting to draw him since I saw him this morning ;O; so cute!

Anon said:Pssst. Singer Baku, Guitarist Kami, and Drummer Kiri. A good hc if I do say so myself.

It IS a great thought!! Drummer Kiri and Singer Baku have always been a weakness of mine too, so heck!! What a good image! If we put Jirou on bass and vocals too and sero on keyboard and mina on guitar, you make my fav band right then and there hahaha

Anon said:I'm not in the BNHA fandom at the moment but your art still continues to give me the warm fuzzies

GODS ISN’T THIS A NICE ASK!! I’m happy I can make you enjoy even characters you’re not specifically into! Thank you so much for sticking around!!!! ;O;

Anon said:i just got into bnha and fell in love with your art, started going through your sketch tag, and then realize that youre the person who made a bunch of haikyuu comics i loved a while ago so im! very glad to rediscover your stuff!!

HOLY GODS THAT’S NEAT!!! Welcome back!!!! ;O;

Anon said:I love it when you draw kiri with his hair down 💕💕💕 so good, so pure 💕💕💕💕

Oh boy thank you!! ;O; he’s so much easier to draw with his hair spiked for me, knowing people like the way I draw his hair when down means a whole damn lot!!

Anon said:Hello! First I love your account and artwork! Second will you ever be drawing Mako and Taiyou again? They are so adorable! Also Bakugou and Kirishima seems like amazing dad's!

Thank you!!! And yes I will! I have another ask around here asking about them, so maybe soon! Just gotta find the right idea to draw, I got a bunch but they’re all way too long for my curret attenton span level sadly hahaha rip

Anon said:lmaaaaooo my boi kaminari be having an emotional awakening

Kaminari is like, he’s always somewhere subconsciously known that Baku’s objectively pretty, but since he knows him so well and he’s always around him and most of the times they’re bickering and making fun of each other he’s never actually realized, so now he’s like oh, NOW I see it hahaha

Anon said:hi u probably get this enough but I wanted to give u all my appreciation for ur art thank u for sharing it with us I love everything u post ♡♡♡

THANK YOU!!!! It might be greedy of me but this sorta asks are never enough for me, so seriously thank you for taking your time to drop by and be so nice!!!

Anon said:Could you please draw more of the body swap au? Or what if a different pair of students were to switch?

I’m not gonna draw any other switch with other students, because before settling on Baku and Todo I went through a lot of possibilities and came to the conclusion that nothing would be as funny as Baku and Todo switched are (or at least nothing Horikoshi hasn’t already done himself lmao) so there’s that. I might draw more of them switched, but to be honest with you the only idea with that concept I have right now is Bakugou forgetting he’s suddenly taller and continuously walking into things around the dorms, so there’s that as well hahaha

#fran answers #a lot of !!!! in this one #today i'm feeling !!!#it's a nice feeling #hahaha #anonymous

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verngyu-moved · 7 years ago

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its the last month of 2017, and i wanted to make a special post to a few people i’ve met this year, and just express my gratitude. this was originally part of my follow forever, but i felt like it deserved its own post since i tend to ramble ◑.◑ my apologies to everyone mentioned in this since it’s kinda long + a lot of ppl are mentioned hdjfkgkdfl

amanda @beautifulshuas - amanda!! im really glad the time we had that suddenly super deep convo that u didnt feel like i was intruding on anything hahah. it was nice sharing that experience with u (but also sucky bc it’s not a good experience) and i look forward to more 1 am conversations about shitty relationship situations lmaooo

jennie @boosonseok - no offense but ur shitposts are the best thing in the entire fandom lbr, and i enjoy seeing a lot of divaboo on my dash, since he is like my little brother. i appreciate ur shadiness (u kno the time) and shoutout to the california bay area heheheh ＼(≧∇≦)/＼(≧∇≦)/

bonnie @cafewoozi - i think ive said this like 6 times but bonnie u!! are!! an angel!! i really appreciate all the help and advice you gave me this yr. u only say nice things abt ppls’ work and i still cant fathom that u actually....like....take time out of ur day to put smth nice on each post u reblog,,,, i can barely tag ppls names ??? a n g e l

kelsey @chanyoel - i lov eu thank u for putting up with w me yelling abt mingyu. u were the first person i converted to kpop.......bless. ur also one of the 5 ppl i actually text everyday (≧◡≦) u stick up for me, listen to me, and cry w me (its always bc of svt tho), thanks for being an amazing friend !!! also sorry for slacking off on @/ing u in jun posts..........i have the urge to @/you whenever i see him just kno that

sophia @gemhui - sorry i havent messaged u on tumblr much lately but ur still one of my best friends on this hellhole. weird to think we met thru another blog entirely when ur icon was scoups of ice cream and i messaged u abt it lololol thanks for being encouraging and so sweet all the time the world doesnt deserve u╰(◡‿◡✿╰) ps ur gay ashgdfjkldf

dana @jishua - dana m’luv thanks for letting me rant to u, ur rly one of the easiest ppl to talk to im so mad i waited so long to get to kno u, ur sense of humor is a+, u always have something positive to say, n ur also a #fellowcapricorn whaddup. remember the time i stayed up til 5 to watch the clap mv w u??? goOD TIMES.

jiyoon @jeonheart - jiyoon thank u for helping me learn how to gif stage performances, it prob seems like such a minor thing but it means a lot to me since i’d been trying to for abt a yr. u approached me and u didnt have to do that, and its very rare to see random acts of kindness on tumblr so i just wanted to thank u again ^^ i hope life is bein kind to u and ur in good health!!

stella @jeonqhcn - stella idk if youll see this but i hope school is going alright for u :( ur super smart (srsly) and really kind, ps jeonghan misses u (mingyu tells me jeonghan asks if you’ve said anything 2 me abt him) hope we get to talk more soon!!

adelin @pabospoiler - adelin its always a pleasure talking to u, esp when its about #tumblrstuff, since its nice to relate to someone else about being a content creator and the pros and cons of it. pls keep making ur stuff bc it is really good :( and u may not already kno this, but tbh, u are The™ Soonseok Gifmaker..............its u, bro.

renata @powerfulhoshi - u are one of the most encouraging ppl on here, ur full of nothing but positive light and energy.......u always make me feel less heavy when i talk to u, its refreshing. ur also one of the most under-appreciated content creators in this fandom,,,, wtf....im salty.....but im sure in 2018 u will be greeted w nothing but success and admiration !! bejos to u (♥◡‿◡♥)

emmy @shuvee - emmy u are uber talented and uber intelligent!! i was not expecting to be ur friend considering u are Ultra Coole™ but its interesting talking about really serious stuff and bitching abt college :////, i didnt rly expect to ever talk to u......so im still in shock tbh. and to think this whole friendship was started bc i didnt know a ship name (wasnt it junshua)???? iconic

steffi @soonsyoung - stef idk i hope youll see this, but ik this yr has not been the greatest, but i love u i love u i love u. sorry for swerving down soonyoungs lane that 1 time. when things got shitty for me after everything that happened u were there for me, so just kno i will always be there 4 u, i miss u on here, but school is def more important and this site lowkey sucks lmao

rina @wonnwoo - !!!!! quite literally the wonwoo to my mingyu, the person who sees my ugliness and still ???? decides??? to stick w me ???? an angel. u give me the best gifts (u think im talking about the teen,age album but im rly talking about the **** and ****** recs). i will continue to better myself for the sake of u, so i can be strong for u, and help u when u need it. im #tsundere as u kno, so i apologize again if i seem cold i just jkdfglsdf have too many fluffy feelings to handle them correctly. i am also drafting a special w*nw** sm*t 4 u if u must kno

#i love u all #im hoping that 2018 is great for all of us!!!#im sure i forgot some1????? ive had a rough day finalizing this lmao #lovely folks 💞🍰🌸#d:tp

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littlelovelymemes · 8 years ago

Text

✰ * º ❛ even more popular text posts ask meme. ❜

‘ my kink is getting some fuckin sleep. ’ ‘ omg here goes your lil crybaby ass. ’ ‘ the beatles wouldn’t even fucking exist if big time rush hadn’t paved the path for them so shut the fuck up. ’ ‘ don’t start buddy. don’t you dare. ’ ‘ gay rights? true, as a gay, i am always right. ’ ‘ not to vent, but: fuck. ’ ‘ the worst pain is to make small talk with someone you once told everything to. ’ ‘ i think i accidentally break my own heart a lot. ’ ‘ sometimes ‘brb’ stands for ‘be ready bitch’ so you have to be careful. ’ ‘ i want to kiss you in a way that makes you not want to kiss anyone else ever again. ’ ‘ shout out to the people who are still friends with me even though i’m a fucking idiot. ’ ‘ it’s safe to assume that at any given moment i want to go back to bed. ’ ‘ i’m a big fan of anything that will help me chill the fuck out. ’ ‘ i don’t go through people’s pictures on their phone cause i wasn’t raised in the jungle. ’ ‘ i think we, as a people, just need to have a glass of water. ’ ‘ i don’t have enough black clothes. ’ ‘ sweetie, i could sleep for ten years and i’d still be tired. ’ ‘ i would sleep so much better with your arms wrapped around me. ’ ‘ me??? tired??? sleepy??? yes, constantly. ’ ‘ i’m pb&j -- petty, bitter, and jealous. ’ ‘ the fact that sloths aren’t extinct somehow proves that if you go at your own pace and mind your own fucking business you too can succeed. ’ ‘ i wish i could be the person i want to be, but i’m too tired. ’ ‘ i always look sleep deprived. is that hot? ’ ‘ just because there’s always room for improvement doesn’t mean you’ll never be good enough. ’ ‘ my heart is a soft and sensitive mess. ’ ‘ all i want is a big garden and no responsibilities. ’ ‘ honestly someone not liking beyonce is a deal breaker and not for any political reasons, but just like you’re probably, definitely really boring. ’ ‘ hey guys, i’m a huge fan of genuine love and affection. ’ ‘ now i’m falling asleep and she’s calling a crab and he’s having a smoke and she’s kissing the crab. ’ ‘ i’ve been ever since i heard ‘lonely’ by akon at 9 years-old. ’ ‘ my new years resolution is to stop. ’ ‘ i’m irritated cause i’m not lovable in a romantic soulmate way. ’ ‘ i hate knowing that people that ruined parts of me still live and function like nothing ever happened. ’ ‘ i know i’m cute, but you can remind me. ’ ‘ hey, just wondering, but are you fucking kidding me???? ’ ‘ i can’t wait to be in love with someone who is also deepfuck in love with me and we love each other forever n’ ever. ’ ‘ me? clingy? yes. please don’t leave me. ’ ‘ girlfriend application compatibility question: do you keep your depression pile on the bed or on the floor? ’ ‘ anything heart shaped is automatically 200% better. this is a fact. ’ ‘ today’s agenda: screaming into the abyss. ’ ‘ going from ‘today is a good day’ to ‘i hate my life’ takes me approximately 2.6 seconds. ’ ‘ everyone needs to wash their face and go to bed. ’ ‘ i’m worth so much more than the ways i’ve been treated. ’ ‘ hey, can i claim you guys as dependents on my taxes? ’ ‘ i really just ignore phone calls. like leave a message. i don’t check those either but like ’ ‘ i honestly just want to pack my bags and go travel the world and see and explore everything possible. ’ ‘ remember being little and thinking dandelions were fun or a pretty color or something and every adult in an 80 mile radius wouldn’t let you say that without screaming IT’S A WEED. ’ ‘ why did we just accept catdog? ’ ‘ my ‘stay in bed all day’ game’s too strong. ’ ‘ you deserve to be loved without having to hide the parts of yourself that you think are unlovable. ’ ‘ i always forget that i literally don’t owe anyone anything! ’ ‘ i wonder what it feels like to know what the fuck is going on. ’ ‘ honestly... us girls? us women? we always out here, knowin. ’ ‘ would an alien think i’m pretty? ’ ‘ i love boys, but only as a concept. ’ ‘ why do parents get mad when you sleep in all day? like i’m staying out of trouble and i’m not spending your money like what’s the issue here???? ’ ‘ i identify as an inconvenience to the world. ’ ‘ i seriously regret telling anyone, anything, ever lmao ’ ‘ dating me is like dating a five year-old. i need all of your attention and i’m cranky if i haven’t had a nap. ’ ‘ i’m literally tired of myself. ’ ‘ don’t introduce me to ur parents unless you plan on marrying me because they’re going to love me and ask about me for the rest of your life lol ’ ‘ what the hell is a straight person? only straight thing i know about is the edge of my beloved sword. ’ ‘ i highly recommend never having feelings. ’ ‘ self care is going into a cornfield at night to get abducted by aliens. ’ ‘ staying up late with another human is such a weird thing like you get this special bond and a what-is-this feeling ’ ‘ do u ever feel like ur not even friends with ur friends? ’ ‘ um no offense but whom’st’ve going to loveth me? ’ ‘ date a girl who fucks everything up. ’ ‘ not all who mcfreakin wander are mcfreakin lost. ’ ‘ i may legally be an adult but don’t be fooled. i have no idea what i’m doing. ’ ‘ a fun and interesting fact about me is that i’m a fucking idiot. ’ ‘ you can start again anytime! ’ ‘ all you can do is learn your lesson. there’s no point in wishing you had did differently. the past is the past. ’ ‘ i can’t believe an angel like me has to suffer so much. ’ ‘ you’re all so obsessed with love and being loved. what about just going to sleep? ’ ‘ i’m smart, but i do dumb shit anyway. ’ ‘ tbh i never deal with my emotions. i just let them ravage my body and then go to bed and then i wake up and do it all over again. ’ ‘ first of all: i don’t know shit, so jot that down. ’ ‘ i’ll just ¯\ _(ツ)_/¯ my way through life. ’ ‘ i’m tired of things costing money. ’ ‘ don’t you hate it when you’re dead inside and run out of apps to refresh? ’ ‘ who cares? do better, move on. ’ ‘ i don’t need a significant other. just a significant income. ’ ‘ appreciation for everyone who’s ever talked to me bc i’m annoying and dumb. ’ ‘ thnks fr th mntl llnss. ’ ‘ what hasn’t killed me has just made me overly sensitive and defensive. ’ ‘ i don’t know shit ya’ll!!!!! i’m just out here. ’ ‘ binge-watching is great until you run out of the show and have to start watching it weekly like some sort of medieval peasant. ’ ‘ i’m in the wrong realm and i think everyone can tell. ’ ‘ this might come as a shock but I’m Not Feelin too good my dudes. ’ ‘ i’m alive, but only ironically. ’ ‘ there she goes again being over dramatic and by she, i mean me. ’ ‘ do you ever feel like have tried Too Hard to a friend and now you have become That Obnoxious Weirdo? ’ ‘ lgbt: lasagna! garfield’s beloved treat. ’ ‘ my favorite phrase in the english language is ‘i shit you not.’ ’ ‘ i’m a real boring bitch! a snoozer! ’ ‘ i honestly look so good lounging in an oversized t-shirt and no pants. when will someone experience the blessing of domestic living w/ me? ’ ‘ you don’t understand how hard it is to take a selfie when you’re ugly. ’ ‘ you son of a mumford! ’ ‘ hi, i’m here to ruin everything. ’ ‘ you can tell a lot about a person by looking at their hands. for example, if it’s a skeleton hand then they’re dead. ’ ‘ the year is 2020 and i am found guilty of treason against the united states for vague blogging that i hate someone and donald trump thought it was about him. ’ ‘ everybody calm down, we’re going to be fine! :))) we’ve weathered worse than this! :) :) :) :) really all this panic just seems like a huge overreaction imho ’ ‘ no beta readers. we publish our crap writing like men. ’ ‘ i need $$$$$ not feelings. ’ ‘ ‘idk imma see’ = i ain’t coming, never was coming, never considered it, never gave it a single thought, only remembered cause you asked again. ’ ‘ oops, i don’t care lol ’ ‘ why girls always crop the halo out of their selfies? stop being so modest. we know the truth. ’ ‘ maurice, you’re not gonna fucking believe this, ’ ‘ i always get told i look like a bitch bc i’m always glaring while i walk, but i’m not glaring, i’m squinting. i have sensitive eyes. they’re watering. ’ ‘ concept: it’s 3 am. candle lit room. a record is spinning. you’re kissing me. we have no worries in the world. we’re warm and content. ’ ‘ i need to go into the forest and scream for an hour and a half. ’ ‘ pls kill all men who yell at girls from cars. ’ ‘ life really isn’t what i expected it to be. less quicksand. almost no quicksand to be honest. lots of metaphorical quicksand tho. ’ ‘ i have a question for u: like are u done... like is it over? ’ ‘ we all have that one person who ruins your day by being alive. ’ ‘ we all have that one person who ruins your day by being alive. for me, it’s myself. ’ ‘ whenever i see police i always try not to act suspicious and fail internally even though i never did anything wrong. ’ ‘ new years resolution: less bitter, more glitter. ’

#ask meme #inbox memes #rp ask meme #sentence starters #indie rp #sentence starter meme #rp sentence starters #rp sentence meme #rp ask box meme #rp inbox meme

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meepface · 7 years ago

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these questions seem very therapeutic and i have been havin a week so im gonna do em, please ignore me

1. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

say no to people!! post selfies and not feel ashamed of myself for doing so!! stand up for myself without immediately crying!!

2. What has been on your mind most lately?

well this week i’ve been in kind of a negative headspace so i have sorta thought about how much easier dying would be than dealing with any of my problems, but i have also thought about how much i don’t actually wanna kill myself also so i’ve been feelin sorta trapped between ‘mannnn if i would just fucking do it’ vs ‘but i don’t wanna my mom would be sad’, so that’s a real fun time!

3. Right now at this moment; What do you want right now?

i wanna feel myself again honestly. i’ve felt super weird n distant from who i used to be and who i wanna be and i feel like im just floatin. i feel super dissociative and i don’t feel genuine in how i behave anymore like idek myself. another super fun time!

4. In order of importance, How would you rank: Money, Happiness, Love, Health and Fame?

love (not strictly the romantic kind), happiness, health, money, fame

5. What would best describe the way you have spent your time in the last month?

feel like i’ve been wastin a lot of time bein super unhappy. buuuuut i spent a lot of time with people i love last month so that was good. kinda mixed, neutral feelings about it

6. What is the #1 motive in your life now?

to learn how to live for myself more

7. In one sentence, who are you?

i would say i am an extreeeeemely sensitive and compassionate person who’s always tryin to do the right thing and make a few people laugh when i can

8. What do you want to be known for?

being good and kind and gentle and positive

9. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what would you miss most?

my family, my dogs, my girlfriend, my friends, my grandma, this local restaurant that has amazing pancakes, my university bc i really like it there, the general atmosphere of downtown Austin, my therapist, my bedroom. in no particular order

10. In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?

hopefully i’m taking care of myself well, am happy in my current situation and if i’m not i am actively working to do what i need to do to fix that, maybe i’ll have finally gotten another job and have moved out possibly. who knows. just hope im doin well

11. Who makes you feel good about yourself?

my friend Stein, my mom, my girlfriend, my therapist, a few of my internet friends

12. What are the top 3 qualities you look for in a friend?

someone who makes me laugh, someone who is a good listener, someone extremely supportive and non-judgmental

13. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?

joining a club and being more social in college, getting another job, moving out, making videos, volunteering at this abuse center i’d really love to volunteer at

14. What is something you have always wanted since you were a kid?

a golden retriever

15. What stands between you and something you want?

fear of change

16. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy?

i find something to calm me down and distract me, like a game or something i can play so i stop thinking too much. also talking to someone helps but whenever i’m not in the mood to talk i try to do something to distract myself, or go to sleep if it’s a good time to

17. What do you need to spend more time doing?

being with friends and family, writing

18. When did you first realize that life was short?

i mean i had a few near-death experiences as a kid but none of em i was like “wow i could’ve died and that would’ve been the end” bc i didn’t really process them like that when i was that young. one of first times that i can remember feeling really deeply anxious about how short life really is is when i saw a bad car wreck just last year that had just happened and (TW ahead) i saw a person dead on the road with his head smashed. that was so scarring for me and now wrecks make me uncomfortable and i used to drive kinda recklessly as a dumb suicidal thing but now i would never ever drive the way i used to. another time i can think of is when a girl in my grade who i had actually been close friends with all throughout middle school up until freshman year died in a car wreck and our whole school was devastated

19. What issues do you continually refuse to confront?

honestly i want to confront and fix or work on all of my issues lmao so

20. What is something a lot of people do that you disagree with?

there’s a lot of homophobic and transphobic people in the small Texas town that i work in and a lot of em say super offensive things really casually and i hate it so much. also a lot of people enjoy jolly ranchers which i will never understand

21. What is a common misconception people have about you?

i’m shy, i’m straight, i’m lazy, i don’t work hard

22. What is something no one can take away from you?

no one could pull me away from my mom tbh that bitch knows everything and no one can tell me not to tell her what they tell me bc she’s gonna know in the next hour

23. What is something you would hate to go without for a day?

ummm chicken probably. it’s all i eat

24. When you look into the past what do you miss the most?

how cheerful and happy i was in 2015 and some of 2016!!!!!! the fuck happened!!!!

25. What memory from the past year makes you smile the most?

hmmm probably the times my gf and i spent hours making out n stuff in parking lots bc we finally got over our fear of havin our first kiss w each other and went all out

26. What is the number one change you need to make in your life within the next twelve months?

hmmm don’t wanna share it but i know in my head the answer to this

27. If not now, then when?

when i’m ready and when i know for sure that it’s what i want. because right now i don’t know what i want with my life but i just know that right now i am not happy. baby steps

28. What have you done that you are truly proud of?

i gained soooooo much confidence after graduating high school. came out to everyone, told my mom i wanted to finally try to go to therapy which has been a blessing for me

29. What is something new you have recently learned about yourself?

i’ve learned where my dependency issue that i used to have super bad stemmed from. i’m kinda growin from that though. i still have residual anxieties that were caused by it but nothin i can’t work through

30. What do you want to remember forever?

hmm. probably that one quote that’s like “anything that costs your peace is too expensive”. either that orrrrr that one scene in the office where Jim gets drunk and crashes his bike into the bushes

31. What could society do without?

religion (yikes yikes yikes) (don’t hate me, just hear me out) - this doesn’t mean the spirituality of it but like..... the whole rules and order part of it. the ancient outdated books and everything being taken so literally in today’s world. everyone could have their own takes and believe in their own things and they can just be without feeling like they either have to go to church or celebrate a religious holiday or be a certain way bc ‘god’, whoever they may be, wants them to. idk i like to believe there’s a higher power that just represents love, in its purest form, and that’s it. that’s all you gotta know about them. there’s no rules to that, you just do with that what you will, learn from that what you can. does this make sense at all

32. What is the one thing right now, that you are totally sure of?

right now i am totally sure that i shouldn’t have started doing this survey bc i am exhausted and i have work in the morning but i’m definitely gonna finish it

33. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would you say?

be kinder and gentler, thank you

34. What is something that you said you would never do, but have since done?

this is uhhh super emo but i didn’t think i’d live this long and here the fuck i am

35. What is something you changed your mind about when you grew older?

my feelings about The Gays, since i grew up to be one and when i was little i was terrrrified of that idea. i didn’t care if other people were but when it came to me i was like noooo way jose. also? the concept of marriage? i’ve become super apathetic towards it. i don’t care if i end up married or not anymore, i will commit to someone for life regardless and i don’t need a ceremony and anything official to prove that. buuuuut that being said, if my future partner wants to be married, i’m 200% there and i’m already starting to think about our wedding color scheme. man. idk if i’d rather wear a suit or a dress at my wedding

36. What didn't last forever, but was still worth your while?

hmmm maybe my current therapy stuff?? i know one day i’m gonna stop going to therapy but man have i learned a lot and man have i grown. i truly think everyone needs to go to therapy at least once in their life, you learn things that are valuable in every aspect of life

37. If you could go back and time and tell the younger version of yourself something, what would you tell?

you’re not stupid, you’re allowed to make mistakes, maaaybe ask for the braces that aren’t clear bc those just made your teeth look massive and you hated yourself while they were on and you can’t look at pictures with them even years later. aaaand they made you super insecure about your mouth and smile even years down the line so, please dodge that bullet if ya can. also you’re super gay!

38. If you knew you were dying in the next 60 seconds, what would your last words be?

finally

39. When it is all said and done, would you have said more then you've done or vice versa?

hmm i’ve probably said a lot more than i’ve done, which i wanna change. if i’m understanding this question right

40. What question do you often ask yourself?

what do you want? what do you need? which of the two is more important?

#this was as expected.... very therapeutic #i recommend answerin these #helps u figure urself out #anywho #like if ya read #about me #long post

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idksheepthoughts · 7 years ago

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Conversations Me: you actually soft blocked me.... any reason why?

Her: lol the fact that you noticed this late but it happened on accident actually and i went and unblocked but at that point i was like lmao like she'll notice so i never mentioned it

Me: If you hate me just say so. No need to lie.... I don't check shit like that every day but it's not that many days since I know it was maybe a week or less ... Whatever. I'm so splitting atm. So I'll shut up before I say something else

Her: hate? when the fck did i mention that? yes, better shut up before you stick your foot in your mouth as usual since i've done nothing hostile to you as if me feeling like i matter to no one and have the smallest amt of friends possible is somehow how an Attack on You.

Me: you blocked me... on "accident" how does that even happen.... i've told you tons of times that the amount of friends depends solely on yourself. and your willingness to talk to people and work past the anxiety and fear that talking to people causes. . . otherwise I wouldn't even have friends. because if i isolated and neveer talked to anyone ever first that nobody would talk to me in the first place. . . ugh whatever. i've said too much im just going to sober up and talk later i guess.... I can't always be here I try to be but like we said previously, i didn't know what to do between give you loads of attention and give you nothing at all...

Her: tumblr mobile? lol. if you can't believe me when i say that then i don't really want to talk to you since everytime i feel bad or have like, negative feelings regarding my own situations you always take it so personally (1) and then i have to dread these fcking conversations so when we've been talking normally on twitter it all goes to fcking shit because you can't accept that i get to feel bad and feel upset about stuff regardless of whether or not im taking actions to help myself in my own way at my own pace...doesn't mean you get to think that i hate you so i blocked you because what the fuck how does it work when we've been chatting like everyday on twitter? and it was (what i thought) fine? good? (2) if it really was the case i wouldve blocked you here or just flat out deleted since then i'd only have one fucking follower :) so just. let me have emotions. and don't assume things. this is so funny because i remember you getting mad at me months ago for the same exact thing and here we are, situations reversed

Me: BECAUSE i have a huge fear of abandonment.... it was fine but this stuff even if its an accident just idk .... i guess you never saw how much abandonment even if its an accident sends me into depressive spirals??? have i ever left you no. i've been distant yes but i've never full on unfollowed or left... idk you block me a lot and delete and it hurts every time.

Her: "even if" can you believe me????? first off???? (3) and no you havent god if it was such a problem just follow me and then ask me about it because why would i lie lol (4) i don't like friendships built on lies i'll never talk to someone like that genuinely i have insecurities too. i have enough

Me: ok it was an accident.

Her: i didn't even think it was a problem first off considering all those people you put on your thanksgiving post. and then you never noticed/messaged me about so i was like k, so that's that! and just talked w/ you normally here (5) so let's just accept the fact that we've got our problems and there's better ways to handle this than assuming motives

Me: so you did change url because of that post??? like my paranoid ass thought???? i was right on that???? cause i noticed that and was like... maybe its not related but was it????? cause I just want to know... im not mad at that at all just... i want to not assume things atm. and i notice stuff slowly because I try not to fall into obsessive traits. its not healthy to check who im following or who is greyed out or blocked every single day. . . I try to just let things be but when I do notice stuff i can't help but explode. I tried to be calm by just asking why.... but i clearly failed at that. its whatever. I followed back. if it happens again just like.. tell me please??? this stuff makes me so close to slitting my wrist

Her: no, i changed my url because i was sitting on that url for a while and i wanted to use it

Me: okay, it was just a paranoid thought.

Her: well, i really, really, really, don't like when you start assuming things even after i tell you or not believing me. we've been friends for how long? does it mean nothing? you'd think i'd lie at this point? x____x (6) .those thoughts make me want to die

Me: i'm sorry for thinking irrationally, but with how many people just up and leave, all the time even with being friends for long periods its hard not to jump to conclusions. I am in the wrong for falling into my own paranoid thoughts. You explained things and I don't believe that you are lying so its fine.

Her: oh, now you believe me after i have to hold your hand when i'm upset (7) whatever i'm probably not going to follow back because i hate that i have no friends and my mutuals ignore all my posts when i try to put myself out there it's gotten to a point where i can't post stuff on tumblr anymore because i know no one gives a shit like even as happy as i am about my commission i know if i post that on my tumblr i'll make the artist seem bad when no one likes my post idc. i'm bitter and alone and probably always will be because i don't have any friends aside from you o/ like, be grateful you even have that many people to be grateful for (8) i'd kill for it i feel like dying when i think about this and i think about it a lot but ofc i don't moan about it anywhere except on this stupid fucking twitter account where you seem ot think i live a dandy life (9) it fcking sucks bc im trying my best! anyways im done lol oh and then you post shit like *Edit* (Screenshot of some tags where I said I always listen to people but nobody likes listening to me so I talk to my cats a lot which is true because I’m a burden and i hate bothering people with my problems so much) that when you damn well no i have no one else to listen to except you online and we've been civil lately but ok! i guess i don't care! because im living it up! #sarcasm (10)

Me: you havent followed me in probably over 10 or so months, whenever i remade, cause i don't think you followed me when i delteed either, i didn't expect a follow back at all. i just expect us to be not mutuals but still friends? THEN TALK TO PEOPLE TALK TO PEOPLE AND TALK TO PEOOPLE thats all i did was work past my fears and talk to people and some stuck around some didn't. i dont know what else to say. some of those people haven't actually spoken to me in months either but im still grateful for them. I have nothing else to really advise on that other than you gotta put the talking in first. thats all i've done and its somehow managed to not fuck it up for this long??? i dont think i've had any friend longer than whenever we started being friends... so around 2 years...

Her: no offense but just talking to people doesn't do shit :) but seriously, thanks :) (Phone lagged) So I repeated my previous message by accident)

Her: yeah probably the only reason you havent fucked it up is because i dont want to be fucking alone and i dont give up easily so ive stayed with this even fi you make me feel like fucking shit when this happens & since you said nothing to everything else i just said i guess im right :) god im over this i dont want to fight and i dont want to talk to you becaus eim always explaining my problems and you just like. tell me the same shit each time as if it'll magically do stuff liek the fact that im trying doesnt mean anything i dont wanna talk to you if its always going to be like this ill take the goddamn loss and be lonely while youve got your fucking harem of friends idc if its an exaggeration the point is everyone i considered a friend has just stopped talking to me completely and the only thing i get here is you telling me what to do like i need cold hard instructions for making a friend

ME: Harem??? You know nothing about anything. Ya know what..... forget it. If it's better I don't say anything because nothing I says helps and I'm a broken record. You want to assume because I tagged a lot of people doesn't mean I wasn't just fishing for validation. Me trying to help is just being a dumb mistake. I can't help anyone and why I try is also confusing because I am pointless. I'm keeping you in my note regardless you have been here and listened and that hadn't changed. But if this is just going to explode it's going to explode. All I do is ruin everything and I don't even care anymore I'm going to buy a gun soon anyways. So what's the point in trying to make something work. I've always been a shit friend and it's just not worth it to you at this point. So okay.

Her: HERE let me qutoe for you something "idc if its an exaggeration" ^^^^^^^ unlike you im aware when im being irrational lmao (11) apparnetly you get to be and i dont thats how it always is did you ever think about it feels for me when my only friend does shit like this constantly like lmao ofc not bc why would you consider anything from my point of view this conversation is over until you want to stop fucking assuming i dont care LOL and acting as if me letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me like we couldnt j ust talk on twitter and let it fucking be but you have todrag it all in at least i get to get stuff off my chest thats the only fucking good that comes out of this like you dont get that you telling me the same thing hurts because it doesnt fucking work and i dont have any fucking friends i have college to deal with and studies and that pressure but you dont know the half of it? but you just want to assume, assume, assume (12) i cried already out of anger

Me: I didn't have friends in college either

Her: big offense but i dont want to continue this conversation

ME: Okay

Her: unles syoure willing to admit to your bullshit because ima lways doing that and im always getting the end of your shit

Me: I am made of nothing but bullshit I'm nothing but a huge fucking shit storm and I always will be. You should have left a long time ago because I don't know how to not be toxic It's not That I won't be upset by you leaving far from it but you deserved better people and maybe if you had left and kept trying as you have been things will turn around. Because literally everyone that has ever done that with me ended up fine and in a good spot. I hold people back. And that's all I can think of. I ruin other people's lives by being in it. And I've certainly made your life worse. And I'm just better off dead because I am a selfish fucking loser. I'll shut up now.

#personal #conversations #am I in the wrong???#my perception of reality is very bad #I wish I could tell easily when im being irrational #but i feel like im also just being belittled and treated poorly in her responses too #i am toxic #bad friends #idk ... man #there is a lot i want to say to certain points I might edit and respond with my thoughts now that I am no longer intoxicated #long post

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