#also kind of off if age within reason lol

[purpleshimmer]

Yeah I agree with most of this; I have almost 0 complaints about s1 but it was very weird that she completely forgot about ekko and buddied up with piltover so quickly after years of being abused by enforcers in prison. However, I felt like s1 did a decent job of letting us inside her head and kind of explaining where she was coming from (Caitlyn and Ekko's conversation at the tree comes to mind, when Caitlyn said "You'd be well within your rights to keep it. I couldn't blame you. But... if you do, this cycle of violence will never stop." Vi probably views Jinx's actions as needlessly violent and reckless, + she's with Silco, who Vi hates for obvious reasons. This is just a personal thought, but Caitlyn was the first person in 7 years to show her any kindness, so I feel like it makes sense that Vi would kind of go along with her agenda. Then again, Vi is a very independent + headstrong person, so idk

About Jinx siding with Piltover, I also thought it was really weird at first but after thinking about it for a bit I can almost justify it from a story writing point of view? I don't really know how they could have the sisters reconcile with each other in the end if they didn't both end up on the same side, and we know from League of Legends that Vi works with the enforcers, so I feel like a Piltover collab was inevitable.

From a character perspective, I think that Jinx, like you said, is very selfishly motivated. She may have agreed with Silco more than Vander, but we also have to keep in mind that Silco implanted his ideas in her head from a young age.

Now that Jinx has no one to tell her what to do and what to believe (which we know worries her from her monologue at the beginning of s2e2), she has no one to direct her. She has to form her own viewpoints, which she seems to struggle with so far. She doesn't appear to care too much about the Jinxers who are protesting Noxus and Piltover's rule, as we see her brush off Sevika when she tells Jinx to attend the rally at Vander's statue. She only breaks them out of jail because Isha is there, and Isha is like her little sister now. Like you said in your post, Jinx is working for Silco because loves him, not (at least not in my view, I could be totally wrong though lol) because she necessarily agrees with all his politics.

All this to say, her joining Piltover in the fight against Noxus is probably not going to be because she cares a lot about the politics and moral questions involved in the war, but because Vi wants her to and she still desperately loves her sister (and probably to avenge Isha's death, since Noxious is the reason the fighting in the hexcore village broke out).

Arcane and Ideological Clashes

Tags by @coolseabird

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. One of season 1's themes I loved was the philosophical and ideological debate between Silco and Vander (and then Jinx and Vi). I adore the personal character-driven aspects too, but the thing is, they don't have to be mutually exclusive. Ideologies can be extremely personally informed/motivated, and in the case of these characters, they were. Every part of their worldviews were shaped by their circumstances, their lives, experiences, and relationships with other characters. For example, Silco surviving the murder attempt by Vander and how this very personal betrayal motivated him politically, to be unrelentingly extremist in his methods. Or Vander feeling personally guilty for all the deaths on the Day of Ash, leading to him forming a political deal with Grayson to subdue the undercity from ever stepping out of line "for their own good". Because when you live in these kinds of dire conditions, there really is no way to separate the personal from the political.

Though season 1 didn't explore these themes with the sisters as deeply as I would have liked, the crumbs were there! Especially for Jinx. Yeah, she's selfish and personally-motivated, but her actions are nonetheless political. When it comes to her political opinions, the first season itself only gave us crumbs ("We kicked the enforcers butts, imagine what the whole of the Lanes could do!" as a kid, and then later Silco tells her that the children of Zaun deserve more and she seems to listen pensively, but never comments on it). Every act of political violence by her in the first season was given a personal motivation (she wants Silco to think she's strong, she wants to confront Caitvi on the bridge, she wants to avenge Silco). But writers comments outside the show gave us more - one of them said online that while Jinx understands Vander, she disagrees with his worldview and aligns with Silco's views on fighting topside. So that confirmed that Jinx does have an ideology and it aligns with Silco's, even if she was mostly preoccupied with personal matters in S1.

Vi on the other hand was completely neglected by season 1. All of her thought process and political opinions post Act 1 were left entirely subtextual. Act 3 was the worst offender because it's there that she makes her most controversial decisions (betraying Jinx to the Council and attacking the Shimmer factory with enforcers). However, again there were crumbs that one could string together to form interpretations. In S1E2, Vander basically convinces her that rebellion against topside is futile as it would likely lead to the deaths of her loved ones. She then decides to give up her desire to fight them and turns herself in to the enforcers. What follows is 7-8 years of being beaten and abused and downtrodden by topsiders in prison. Yeah, I can definitely see how this experience would only confirm Vander's words, that Piltover's might is too much to overcome, not without heavy casualties on their side. That rebellion is futile and the best thing to do is to keep your head down and don't invoke their wrath.

However, it was a fellow undercity citizen who murdered Vander and took her sister. And when she returns years later, she finds that he is still in power, has significant influence and a large number of followers in the Lanes, and no one has overthrown him. One line that really stood out to me was one she said to the brothel madam Babette in S1E5 - "From the looks of it no one down here lifted a finger to stop Silco". How juicy is that! She feels resentful towards her fellow Zaunites for not avenging Vander and taking down Silco in her absence. She feels betrayed, abandoned, left behind by her own neighbours. Her sister changed under Silco, her home changed under Silco. And everyone moved on without her. Expanding on this could have been such a natural way to justify her class treason by joining the enforcers. She thinks Piltover is too strong for Zaunites to beat so there's no use rebelling against them anyway. So why not use their might against her Zaunite enemies? Zaunites themselves "won't lift a finger" to stop violent gang leaders so why not use topside's power to do it? "What loyalty should I have to my class, if the people from my class abandoned me like this?" I could even see how being wronged by Zaunites could hurt more than being wronged by Piltovians - she could see it as the latter owing her nothing while the Zaunites are supposed to be her family and neighbours, who owe her more.

Again, season 1 itself did jack shit to delve into these feelings nor her trauma from prison. But the crumbs were there. I happily used them to form my own interpretation to justify her bizarre decisions and was satisfied. But then season 2 rolls around. They had the blueprint and chose not to use any of this rich material. How do they justify her joining the enforcers? Do they explore any of the complex feelings of resentment Vi may have for her home and class? Nope, she joins after hearing how her crush talked her up to colleagues. How do they justify her fully turning on Jinx and disowning her sister? Do they explore Vi's loyalty to her foster father Vander, and her acceptance that Jinx chose to betray him and side with his murderer, then try to murder Ekko for years? Nope. In fact, she forgets about Ekko and never mentions him again lmao. Rather she seems to turn on Jinx because she attacked the Council??? That seems to be the turning point for Vi, the thing that makes Vi view Jinx as a monster. "She killed the tyrants who oppressed me all my life, how dare she😤" ???? It would make sense for Vi to view the attack as stupid and reckless, again just like Vander said - fighting topside only brings more wrath to the undercity. But they don't even do that. They never explore Vi's political opinions and how she agrees with Vander's "compliance for our own good" stance. They never touch on her time in prison and how it may have compounded Vander's views. Instead they make it so Vi seems to sympathize with the Councilors and condemns Jinx's bombing because of some generic "violence bad" moral.

It's so stupid too, because they completely forget about Grayson. That's more PRIME material to justify Vi's enforcer arc. If Vander, her mentor, allied with Grayson, Caitlyn's mentor, then why shouldn't she ally with Caitlyn? She could easily use the Vander-Grayson peace deal to make herself feel better about her class treason. "He allied with enforcers to keep the undercity in check for their own good. So will I. Putting on the uniform is just the next logical step. I will take out the gang leaders and Silcos that Zaunites are too weak to stand up to. My parents were wrong to fight against topside, rebellion is futile. Jinx is wrong to fight against topside and will only get more Zaunites killed in the resulting retaliation. They can call me a traitor but I'm doing this for their own good."

All the pieces are there. Instead they never bring up the Vander-Grayson deal. Caitlyn and Vi have never even spoken about either of them in their entire relationship lmfaooo. They don't even know that their beloved mentors knew each other. They never speak about anything of substance. The only crumbs of an ideological clash we get in season 2 is the argument in S2E5. But it's all from Jinx's side - "I wish I was just seeing things when you decided to throw in with the Piltie goons who murdered mom and dad." But then Vi replies with some lame insult, then they're having a cheap slapstick comedy fight, and Vi never reckons with this. She never expresses what she thinks of her parents dying fighting topside. Then the Piltover vs Zaun war is completely abandoned and the plot focuses on Warwick/Hexcore/Noxus. And we don't get any more explorations of the ideological/philosophical clash that the sisters represent. Is it worth it to rebel against an oppressor if you lose yourself and all your loved ones to violence, but at least those in the future reap the benefits of your fight? Is it worth it to comply for the safety of yourself and your loved ones, if your people will eventually suffer a slow death and never have a future? What are you willing to sacrifice for your revolution? How far will you go? They handled this theme beautifully with season 1 Silco, then said "alright that's enough" and dropped all effort when it came to season 2. And from the trailers of Act 3, it looks like Vi will be convincing Jinx to fucking help Piltover against Noxus. Which is just gross lmao.

[paunchsalazar]

Fire Emblem Awakening families in my play through…

[celestie0]

gojo satoru x reader | college au [18+]

kickoff ch.9 words you've been wanting to hear

ᰔ pairing. college au - soccer player! gojo x film major! reader

ᰔ summary. gojo satoru is the most popular guy on your college campus. he's tall, funny, hot, not to mention he's the most talented soccer forward the school has seen in years. but he's also a frat dude, which puts him in a world very different from your own, as he spends most of his nights partying & drinking while you spend most of yours working on your annoying film major assignments. but when he reaches out to you for a favor, you realize that helping him out might have something in it for you too.

ᰔ warnings/tags. 18+, fem reader, fluff, angst, smut, college au, fraternities, sororities, partying, drinking/alcohol, romance, jealousy, pining, slow burn, opposites to lovers, friends to lovers, she falls first he falls harder, gojo being an idiot, marijuana use, sexism, sexual harassment (verbal only)

ᰔ chapter. 9/x (probably 12)

ᰔ words. 15.6k (WHY DO THEY KEEP GETTING LONGER)

a/n. HELLO MY DEAR KICKOFF READERS IVE MISSED YOU ALL SO MUCH i am soooo sorry for the wait on this one. this chapter felt very vulnerable to write for some reason lmfao, but i really hope it was worth the wait :''') see you at the bottom!! if there are typos or some things don't make sense i'm so sorry i literally gave up on proofreading this i just ended up raw-doggin it and then posting it

nav. masterlist

☾·̩͙꙳ moodboard no.1

♬.*ﾟplaylist

an additional author's note. hellooo ellie here. there are some additional warnings/tags for this chapter, i added them to the tags above, so if you know you have any sort of triggers, please refer to them before reading! but if you don't have any and don't want to be spoiled ab anything then you can keep reading lol. thank youu <33

--

The restaurant address that Kai sent you was just a ten minute taxi ride away, save for the five minutes you spent trying to evasively maneuver through the hotel lobby in order to avoid running into people you’re not too keen on seeing right now, a list that stacks up to just one person at this moment.

It’s a Korean barbecue place, it’s been ages since you’ve been to one, probably since they’re way too expensive for any sort of outing you could afford these days, but the crisp sizzling sounds of the grills and the savory air has your mouth watering in a way that makes you indifferent to the cost. Anything to get this churning feeling out of your stomach. 

It’s instantly brought to your attention that Hana’s tipsy off of Soju because she’s slid out of the booth the second you emerge to the tablestide, and she’s onto her feet to pull you into a hug. You hug her back.

“I’m ssssoooooooo glad you’re—hic—here,” she says, voice sounding loud near your ear, but her embrace is surprisingly calming to you.

Her face appears flushed when you pull away, and you give her a smile and a kind hold of her elbow. “I’m happy to be here, sorry for coming late, I just decided I wanted to have dinner with you all.”

Minato is pulling on Hana’s arm to get her to sit down, which she finally agrees to, and you glance to the left side of the table where Kai sat, meticulously turning over pieces of meat on the grill. His eyes are on you, and the seat next to him is empty.

“You look nice,” he says, eyes falling to your lap under the table once you’ve taken a seat next to him.

Your eyes fall to your lap as well. “Oh. Thanks. I wasn’t really trying to look any sort of way, though.” Just faded jeans with a few rips & holes you made yourself, way back in high school when that sort of thing was trendy.

“I know,” he says, smirk heard perfectly through his words, “I like that.”

You ignore him, a fleeting thought passing through your head of how annoyingly forward men are to women they’ve met within a day, just something you’ve noticed recently, and then you’re accepting the glass of Soju that Minato’s poured for you. Quick to tip it back, you feel a burn on your tongue that’s just enough to distract.

“Today’s game was pretty interesting,” Minato speaks up, picking up a few pieces off the grill with his chop sticks and placing them on Hana’s plate first before taking some for himself. You find the gesture sweet. “The first half was intense.”

Hana nods enthusiastically, elbows rested on the tabletop as she waves her hands around in the air. “Uh huh, uh huh, the boys kicked the ball like whoosh. Goes all over the place! Can’t get a—hic—can’t get a single shot. No, I mean me, I can’t get a camera shot. Not them, they can get the shots of goals. The goals of shots? Huh.”

“Alright, you’ve had enough,” Minato grumbles as he drags the glass of Soju that she was nursing away from her. 

Kai lets out a laugh beside you, his knee bumping against yours under the table. “I’ve watched so many of these soccer games for this job, and I’ve still got no damn clue what the rules are.”

You blink down at your empty plate for a second before grabbing the silver chopsticks laid neatly on your napkin, and taking some food from the center of the table. “Really? I’ve only been to a couple, and I feel like I get the gist of it.” Maybe it’s because you had a personal interest, though.

Kai lets out a low whistle next to you. “Okay, you’re a smartass then.”

You give him a sidewards glance. “Maybe you’re just dumb?” 

Your own words startle you a bit. Minato lets a laugh out, but under his breath, while Hana does absolutely nothing to conceal hers. Kai’s eyes just widen. You bite down on a carrot stick.

“Hey, hey, hey, y/n,” Hana chirps, tapping at your wrist, “do you know any of the soccer players? Utahime said you doooo.”

You swallow slowly to buy yourself time, but give a preliminary shake of your head before answering, “no, not really.” You catch a whiff of the cologne on your wrist when you lift your glass to your lips.

“Oh,” she sulks her shoulders and then sinks down into the booth again, her head falling onto Minato’s shoulder. The man stiffens a bit and then there’s a content smile playing at his lips. A hint of a smile develops on your face too at the sight when you put two and two together. What an adorable little crush. It makes you feel sick.

Kai pours you some more Soju the second you drink down the last of it in your glass, and you nod to him as a thanks. “Pretty sure most of my photos from the first half are fucked,” he says, dragging the opening of the bottle against the rim of your glass before pulling it away, “didn’t realize until way later that my aperture was way off.”

You bring the glass to your lips, inhaling before taking a sip. You’re about to speak up about that when Minato beats you to it.

“Are you serious?” he asks, disappointed, like they’re suddenly talking business now. “I better see some good shots. Your side was where most of the action took place. Like that through-pass, tight behind the defensive line, from Nanami Kento to Gojo Satoru before he sunk it a couple mins before the half ended.”

You choke a little on your Soju at the mention of Gojo’s name, and then all three of them are looking at you. You wave a hand in front of your face. “Sorry.” 

Kai grumbles something under his breath and then stuffs a piece of pork belly into his mouth. “Yeah, whatever, man. I’m pretty sure I got some good ones. Don’t worry.”

Dinner goes on like that, where you count the number of times Kai thinks that someone saying something funny across the table is an excuse to press his thigh against yours, but at least the cute way that Hana and Minato seem to inch closer to one another all night is enough to put you at some sort of bitter ease. But that unsettling feeling in your stomach from a couple of hours ago still lingers.

The four of you stand outside the restaurant, heels rocking back and forth in the cold as you all take up the last chance to debrief the day, and then Minato’s glancing at his watch.

“Alright, it’s probably time to head back. We can all share a ride to the hotel, it’s cheaper that way,” Minato says. Hana’s clinging to his sleeve.

“Oh, uh, I was going to stay here. There’s a cool camera shop around the corner. I was gonna check it out,” Kai says, pointing over his shoulder before glancing at you. “Wanna come? I saw they’ve got used film cameras.”

You twiddle with the hotel key card in your pocket. It’s cheap plastic, could break easily with just the right amount of pressure. Like your resolve right now. “Sure.”

He smiles at you.

“Alright, well I need to get this one back to her room,” Minato says with a sigh, pointing to Hana, “so I’ll see you all at the next game?”

You and Kai nod at him and then watch as he walks away with Hana on his arm towards the curb, pulling his phone out to call for a ride.

“Where’s this camera shop at?” you ask Kai once the silence between the two of you stretches out a little too long. 

“It really is just around the corner,” he says, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jacket. He starts walking down the row of miscellaneous shops and establishments under dim street lighting, and you follow after him before the two of you circle to the adjacent end. A tiny shop in the distance catches your eye. The LED sign above the storefront was blinking sporadically, and read 17th St Camera & Rentals, except half the letters were extinct of any light. Next to it was a 24/7 liquor store.

It’s only when you walk right up to it that you realize the sign dangling behind the glass door that says closed.

“Oh. Bummer,” Kai comments in a flat tone. “I swear it was open before I got to the restaurant.”

You sigh, pulling your phone out to glance at the time. “Yeah, at 8pm? It’s past 10 now.”

He looks at you and taps the camera case still hung at his neck. “That’s fine. I’ve still got a camera to show you, anyways.”

You blink your eyes at him, suddenly feeling a bit exhausted and then glance over your shoulder at the curb of the street to see if Minato & Hana were still there waiting for a ride. You don’t see them anymore. 

A distraction. Wasn’t that what you wanted?

“Yeah, show me.”

Kai seems to know the area better than you, since he walks down the haphazardly lain sheets of concrete across the ground with more confidence than a tourist would. The thought occurs to you that maybe the newsletter photographers have eaten here before during their time in Kyoto.

“What made you start working with the newsletter?” you ask, glancing at him as the two of you walk down further, into what seems like a neighborhood.

He shrugs. “First job I could find out of college. I had a lot of freelance experience, so I’m assuming that’s why they hired me.” He nudges your arm with his elbow. “What about you?”

“I’ve known Utahime for a while. She was impressed with my work.”

“Ahh, connections,” he muses, “smart. That’ll get you far as an artist.”

He suddenly stops walking and peers off to the right, into a darkness that you can’t really make anything out of until you’ve spent a few seconds staring too. He walks in that direction, the loud echoing stomps of his boots on concrete no longer audible once he crosses the threshold onto grass, and you follow behind to what seems like a deserted children’s park. You wish there were more trees in the city. There are a lot here in the countryside, and it makes you homesick for something you’re not even sure of.

A gust of wind brushes through, rattling the set of swings hung on rusty chains. The wood chips underneath your feet feel stale, with no snap to them at all as you follow Kai through the playhouses set up in connected fashion. There are two picnic benches, one looks like it’s been freshly painted with faux effort to improve its image in the line of sight of the street, while the other has red paint peeled back to reveal bronze underneath the moonlight, neglected and tucked behind a few trees. The latter is what he chooses.

He slides into the bench, and he shakes his head when he sees you try to take a seat on the other side before patting at the seat beside him. “It’d be easier for you to take a look at my side.”

He has a point, so you sit next to him instead. Although at this point in the night, you were feigning interest. He zips his camera bag open and you take a better look at the lens. There’s no way it was as cheap as he told you it was.

“There’s no way this was as cheap as you told me it was,” you say.

He laughs, pulling the camera out and handing it to you. “Yeah, maybe the guy cut me a deal since I’ve bought from him before.”

You’re smart enough to put the strap around your neck, even though you’re only holding it a few inches above the table, because a camera like this deserves the care and respect. The material is minimalist and sleek, and it’s heavy in your hands. You click the shutter button, screen coming to life with a few mechanic chirps. “Woah. Is it LCD or OLED?”

“LCD.”

“That’s nice,” you say, “paying for the OLED just seems silly to me.”

“I concur, Canon. Color accuracy is king.”

He shuffles to pull something out of his pocket while you continue to inspect the camera in your hands, and you see him fidget with said thing over the table in the corner of your eye. The flick of something and the light of something makes you turn your head to face him, and he’s pinching the end of a joint to his mouth, lighting the other end.

He gives you a glance when you stare for too long, inhaling from it before pulling it from his mouth. “What?” You can see the smoke leave his mouth in the chill of the air.

“Is that why you chose the secluded bench?”

“I did? Didn’t even notice.”

You blink at him, and he places his elbow on the table to lean closer to you. 

“Do you mind it?” he asks.

“No, not really.”

“Wanna smoke with me?” Two fingers pinching the origin of smoke tilt towards you. “This is my good weed, though, so, I charge by the drag.”

“That’s ridiculous, and no thanks. It doesn’t suit me.”

He lets out a laugh, releasing whatever tension he was building in your space, and the smell of weed is nauseating, but at least it's a new sensation to you.

“You’ve gotta be the only film major on the planet that doesn’t smoke weed. How do you manage?” he asks, the orange flicker of his joint being the only color you can distinctly see under the similarly flickering street lights. 

Your finger traces the rim of the camera lens and is careful to not smudge the glass. “I think I manage just fine.”

“Yeah. With delusion,” he says, coughing, scattering smoke into the air this time instead of a clean blow.

You turn a bit in your seat to face him more, placing the camera down. “You’re extremely blunt.”

His eyebrow raises in amusement and you close your eyes with annoyance at the pun. You brush it off.

“I mean, seriously, I get you’re probably just looking out for me, I guess. I appreciate that. But do you really think my dreams of becoming a filmmaker are that far-fetched?” you ask. There’s a crack to your voice at the end that you didn’t like.

He sighs, setting his wrist down on the table. There’s a long pause where he thinks about what to say. Probably the most you’ve seen him consider what words leave his mouth next. “I was in the same shoes as you, y/n. A couple years ago. I, too, had big dreams of making movies. I was going to apply to film grad school as well, although you’re shooting higher than I was at the time. There’s no way I would’ve gotten into UTokyo’s.” He tilts his head to the side a few times while looking straight off ahead. “I sent scripts in everywhere. To every fucking production company, creative agency, you name it. Never got a callback, not even once. While all my fellow grads were landing decent, respectable jobs.” He brings the joint to his mouth again, but he doesn’t inhale, just bitterly bites it. “I could’ve went on like that, but,” his brow furrows, “I’ve seen my peers torture themselves for years for those dreams of theirs. I swore I wouldn’t be one of them. Because they’re all delusional fucks.” He finally glances at you. “Are you one, too?”

Your shoulders drop a little and your lips purse. “I don’t know yet. It’s too early to say.” 

“It’s never too early to say, if the outcome is all the same,” he tells you. 

You consider his words for a moment. It’s the easy way out. You should consider yourself lucky. Everyone wants a reason, a sign, to turn away from the one thing they’re scared to think about. And here he was, giving that to you on a silver platter.

But if what you wanted was really all that fragile, then it means there’s nothing to show for any of it. For all the effort it took you to get here, and all the effort you’re still willing to give. 

“I’ll keep going until I fail,” you say, “or until I succeed.” It’s not really something you say for him, but for yourself.

He juts his bottom lip out and raises his eyebrows, slowly nodding his head, like he’s impressed by you. But his posture remains lax. “I mean, you’re working this job. You’ve got some sort of plan, at least. It’s not like I’m your parent to tell you what to do and what not to do.” He finally takes another drag, eyebrows pinching together at the same time his fingers pinch close to the burn of his joint to pull it away. “What’s that one saying? You can take a horse to the water, but you can’t make it drink.”

“Wow. You don’t sound a day older than sixty-five.”

He smirks at you. “You’ve got a lot of attitude, Canon. Where does it come from?”

You sink a little in your seat, turning away from him to look down at your hands that were still messing with the features of his camera. “My annoying feelings lately.”

“Feelings about what?”

You consider telling the truth. But you don’t. “My car is in repair and I’m not sure I can afford to pay for the bill, since things keep coming up with it.” It was the thing at the top of your mind at the moment though, for some reason, so partially truthful.

He laughs. “Yeah, cars have a way of doing that when you’re finally getting caught up on bills.”

“At what point does spontaneously picking up random, obscure jobs go from omg I’m so excited to have this opportunity to I just need the money?” you ask.

“You mean you’re not already at that point yet?” he says with a scoff. “Soon, then.”

You sigh.

“Y’know I used to work at this lousy cinema a few miles away from Central,” he tells you, hand tapping the table with a rhythm that makes no sense. “Busted my ass working minimum wage on night shifts because I thought I’d catch a big break in conversation with a director, as if Martin Fucking Scorcese would choose to host his opening night at a random Edwards in Tokyo.” His tapping on the table stops. “Tell me that isn’t pathetic as hell.”

“That’s pathetic as hell.”

“The things you’ll do for money,” he says with a sigh. He sounds detached, like it’s really just a message for you.

You lick your lips, skin feeling dry from the wind that occasionally brushes by, and when you glance at Kai again, there’s a grit to his jaw.

“Should’ve been born as one of those damn college athletes,” he grumbles, sucking in fast through the joint that was close to withering away. “Those fuckers don’t pay tuition.”

The harsh colors of the soccer team’s color-coded practice schedule on your phone are visible when you blink, as well as the exhaustion under Gojo’s eyes in the warm lighting of the hotel lobby earlier tonight. “They work hard.”

He looks at you. “I work hard, too.”

Your shoulders tense. “I’m sure.”

“You work hard as well.” Just to include you.

“Yeah.”

“I mean, you can’t tell me that it’s fair.”

Your mind wanders to some of the people you’ve met on that team, who have been nice to you. You think of Gojo, and the memory of him makes you wish you were with him right now. Despite everything.

“I guess it’s not fair,” is all you say, a tactic to diffuse the conversation, one that you’ve had to use twice with him today. The sound of the swing chains clinking together from the wind in the distance runs a chill down your spine.

You feel heavy in your chest, and you glance at the joint pinched in between Kai’s fingers. He’s not keeping an eye on it, so it’s easy to steal, and you bring it to your lips before sucking in. You instantly let out a few coughs. He’s looking at you with surprise. And you’re still in desperate need of that distraction you’ve been craving.

“How long does it take for it to kick in?” you ask, coughing again and pressing a hand to your chest.

“Super long when you can barely stomach a single drag.”

You try again. He watches you. You swear you feel a buzz this time, and you hand the joint back to him. You feel like you’re having an out-of-body experience.

“How are you feeling?” he asks.

“Good,” you tell him, “really good.”

“That’s gotta be placebo, Canon.”

“No, really,” you sigh it. Even if it was, maybe your mind was just blessing you with a single moment of reprieve. “I feel…really good,” you say with your head in a haze. “Best I’ve…” you don’t know why you have to blink back tears, “best I’ve felt this whole week.”

Kai’s silent next to you. You look over at him, and he’s got a scrutinizing expression on his face. His eyes are glazed. “You seeing anyone right now, Canon?”

It’s the savory question you know has been on the tip of his tongue. Ignorantly asked, as if you would’ve been sitting here with him right now in the dead of night if the answer was yes. 

“No.”

He’s leaning towards you, and you’re dazed and also sleepy. His face is close now, there’s an urge to giggle, which means there’s no way this is all just placebo, and when his lips dip towards yours, you’re conscious enough to push him away by a weakly fisted hand pressed to his collarbone.

“Oh. I. Um,” you stutter.

“What?” he asks, eyebrow raised, still close to you.

“No. No thanks.” Because it felt wrong. 

He fully pulls away from you, and runs a hand through his hair, a deep sigh leaving him. “Alright.”

You’re breathing faster now, surroundings feeling vague, like you’re in sweltering heat but the air only bites cold.

You stand up suddenly. “I…I want to go back.”

“Go back where?”

“To the hotel. To my room.” You pause. “I mean, by myself. Not with you. We can share a ride, though.”

He stands up too, hands reaching for you, gripping the straps of his camera still hung around your neck and he pulls it off to place it back into the case. You feel like you’ve lost favor with him somehow. “Okay. Sure.” 

“But not with you.” You felt the need to clarify again.

“I get it, Canon. It’s fine.”

—

“Maybe you just need to fuck him aggressively without mercy.”

“I beg your finest pardon?”

You’re sitting in a booth inside this streetside KFC with Mina sitting across the table, waving a fry around in the air, and with Nobara next to you as she tries to open a packet of ketchup with her teeth. The hangout the three of you have been hyping up all week, just to be sat in the same place you always go to. You were about to take a bite out of your sandwich, but you set it back down on your tray.

Mina points the fry at you and shrugs. “I’m saying. Maybe you’re having such a hard time getting over Gojo because you got so close to fucking him in that bathroom, but you didn’t, and now you’re in, like, this constant state of edging.” She bites down on the fry. “The clit knows what the heart doesn’t.”

“Your theories never fail to amaze me,” you mumble, sinking further into the booth. 

“Perhaps it’ll take the edge off.” Mina sucks through the straw of her Diet coke. Nobara finally succeeds in opening her packet of ketchup.

“I doubt it. Besides, I technically already gave him an invitation to,” you say, fingers rubbing at your eye with a swipe as you wince from the memory, “and he rejected me, so, still swimming in the self hatred from that one.”

Mina hums. “There’s no way he’s not foaming at the mouth for it, y/n. Men never let a meal they were craving go unfinished,” she states, dramatically stabbing a chicken nugget with a fork.

“What kind of pigs do you guys associate yourselves with?” Nobara asks. She’s a lesbian, by the way.

“I raise another question. Why are we talking about this in a public restaurant?” you offer.

“Listen, babes,” Mina continues, like your words fall on deaf ears because she’s got some point to make, “it’ll either poof. Make your feelings go away like the drop of a hat because you find out he’s a bad lay. Or it’ll be so good that you realize you’re never getting over him and you’ll be thinking of his dick instead of your husband’s on your wedding night.”

“We’re. In. A. Public. Restaurant.”

Mina steals a biscuit from your tray. “If it ends up being the first outcome, then the whole thing was my idea. If it’s the second…then just know that Nobara has steered you wrong.”

“Why the hell do you have to drag me into this?” Nobara asks.

You’re about to take a bite from your sandwich again when you’re interrupted by the buzzing of your phone in your purse. You pull it out and glance at the caller ID, then let out a sigh.

“Sorry, I have to take this,” you mumble, slipping out of the booth and towards the restaurant’s exit, pushing the tense door open with a gust of fresh air brushed through you.

“Hello?” It’s the car repair man. “Really? I thought you said it was fixed.” Apparently something else came up. “Okay…how much longer will it be in repair?” Much longer than you had thought. “And how much will it cost?” Much more expensive than you had thought. “I don’t know what to say. I mean, really, I feel as though every time I’m on the line with you all, I have to wait longer to get my car back, and the bill just racks up higher.” They’re trying their best. “I know. Is it necessary to fix in order to drive, though?” State laws require it. “Okay…thanks for the update.” And then you hang up without another word, and with all the frustration in the world.

You head back inside and grumble about your car woes to Mina and Nobara, who try their best to respond with interest.

“Why can’t your insurance cover it?” Mina asks.

“Apparently they can’t claim it’s because of those rocks I drove over,” you sigh, “since it looks like it’s been a problem for longer than that.”

“Can you afford it?” Nobara asks.

“Not really,” you say. “I’ll just have to postpone having my car for a bit.”

You sigh with a glance out the window of this fine dining establishment, into the blue skies just beyond, head drowning out the voices of Mina and Nobara as they continue to grill you about all sorts of questions that you don’t have the energy to answer right now. You had another student loan payment to make once you got home today, and just the thought of it makes your heart drop a little. And you realize you just can’t afford to be picky about your financial situation anymore.

—

“Thanks for helping me out with this,” you say, footsteps over familiar grassy hills as you head towards the UTokyo’s practice field, your digital Canon EOS hanging from your neck. 

“Sure,” Kai says as he keeps pace next to you, “why the sudden mission, though?”

You’re gazing off straight ahead, a nervous pit in your stomach since it’s been a while since you’ve walked across this landscape towards the field. 

“I just feel like I need to diversify my income somehow,” you sigh, the buzzwords leaving a bitter taste in your mouth as you say them but it was the reality of your situation, “to make ends meet. When you mentioned freelance work during our conversation last week, it made me think it’s time for me to pick that up too.”

Kai hums. “Yeah, it’s a good plan. I’ll try to show you what I know.”

Once you’ve made it to the top of that hill, the one that oversees the field, your eyes instantly scan the field for familiar silhouettes, and your breath catches in your throat when you spot Gojo passively kicking a ball back and forth between one of his teammates for warm-ups.

It’s the second time you’ve seen him since that argument the two of you had in the hotel lobby, the first being at the post-game conference in which you did everything in your power to swiftly avoid him, and you plan on keeping that up. There’s also an urge to run away, but you’re starting to realize that’s not much of an option anymore.

“Honestly, you don’t really need to worry too much about shutter speed with freelance like you do for shooting sports,” Kai is mumbling next to you as he messes with the settings on his camera, the two of you making your way down the hill towards the field, and you’re not really listening because your eyes are on Gojo, who’s yelling something across the field to his teammates with a look of concentration on his face.

“Uh huh, I see,” you say. You see Kai glance at you in his periphery.

“You again!” you hear a familiar harsh voice call out, and you turn on your heel to face Coach Yaga who’s standing a few feet away in his custom UTokyo tracksuit with his arms crossed against his chest. “Why are you on my field?”

You hold your breath for a second. “Hi, Coach Yaga, so sorry, but I’m just here to take some more photos.”

He lets out one of his hmphs, unrelenting. “You’re a distraction. Get off my field.”

“D-Distraction?”

“Coach!” Suddenly, Geto’s in your line of sight as he emerges with a light jog up to your side. “You should really be nicer to our photographers, they give us a lot of publicity for our games. And publicity means funding.”

Coach Yaga narrows his eyes. “I need all my players focused right now. Even during practice.” He gives you a disapproving glance and you’re still confused, but also weirdly angered.

“Excuse me, Coach Yaga, but last time I checked, this field is technically open for all students. And I’m a student,” you say to him, crossing your arms across your chest now. “So, I can be here if I want.”

You have no idea if that’s true at all, but sometimes you’ve just gotta fake it ‘til you make it.

Coach Yaga grumbles something and then waves his hands in the air. “Fine! I’ve no bandwidth to argue about this anymore! Just don’t distract my players.”

You’re shocked that it worked, and Geto nudges you with an elbow to correct your expression so that Coach Yaga doesn’t catch on to the bullshit you just spewed. 

“Are you here to take some photos?” Geto asks, facing you. He’s got his hands on his hips, breathing slightly fast, some of his hair falling onto his forehead. 

“Yeah, I am, just for practice though. I’m here with—” you glance at Kai, who’s standing with his fists shoved into his pockets, “Kai. He’s also with the newsletter.”

There’s a moment where Geto studies the two of you for a second before speaking. “I know,” he says, extending his hand out for Kai to shake, which he does, “I think I’ve seen you around. Not sure if we’ve formally met, but it’s nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, likewise.” Kai’s hand is then shoved back into his pocket.

You feel awkward suddenly, and then quickly say something to Geto about how he should probably get back to practice, which he agrees to, and then you’re standing at the chalk sideline with Kai as he shows you the ins and outs about digital photography.

“Have you tried shooting in burst mode?” he asks, switching the feature on your camera and then handing it back to you. You sling the strap around your neck.

“Hm…” you start, pointing your camera across the expanse of the field to multiple areas. The trees off into the distance, the goal posts, Coach Yaga’s yapping Pomeranian. “Not really…” The grass beneath your feet, the sky above your head, and then blurrily focused before settling on Gojo who stood in the distance straight ahead.

You see through your viewfinder that he’s caught sight of you too, a look of surprise on his face seen only by the level of zoom, and you glance up from the screen to make eye contact with him in reality. He’s fully staring at you, and you can barely see the way his expression relaxes from that one of athletic concentration to something wistful and strange that you’ve had a hard time reading lately.

“Canon? Are you even listening?”

“Huh?” you snap out of it and look at Kai. “Sorry. Could you repeat that?” You quickly glance toward Gojo again, and his line of sight points towards Kai now.

“I was asking if you’ve tried panning before,” he says, reaching for your camera, pulling it towards him, but the strap around your neck means you’re pulled closer to him too. 

“Satoru!” Coach Yaga yells in the distance. “Eyes on the ball!” 

“Just got to set your camera to manual mode first,” Kai mutters, confusion in his voice. “Where the fuck is it?” He’s turning your camera in his hands, which only has you stumbling with another small step towards him, your chest pressed flush to his arm, and he looks down at you for a brief second with a smirk on his face.

You hear the sound of a ball being kicked on the field, followed by the shout of one of the players.

“Ah, here, found it,” Kai says, handing your camera back to you, and just as you’re about to say thanks and you hold your camera up, you’re hit straight in the face by a flying object and fall backwards onto the grass with a painful thud.

What the fuck?

Where are you?

Who are you?

Okay, that’s dramatic, it wasn’t that bad.

There’s shouting in the distance as you hold your head with a groan, eyes shut tight with images of your life flashing behind your eyelids, and when you open your eyes again from where you’re sat up on the grass, you’re surrounded by soccer players.

Gojo’s suddenly in your line of sight, knelt down beside you and he’s holding your shoulders, trying to get you to look at him but you’re still blinking away the stars you’re seeing. “Fuck, y/n, are you okay?” he asks, and you register the concern on his face.

“Dude,” one of his teammates kicks the heel of his cleat, “where the fuck were you looking? It was clear as day I was tryna pass to you.”

Gojo grumbles something to him, his brow furrowed, and he’s lowering his head to try to make eye-level contact with you but you’re still holding your head with a wince.

“Oh shit,” Kai comments, “she’s bleeding.”

You pull your hand from your face to glance down at the wetness that you feel, and bright red color stains the tips of your fingers.

The next thing you register is Gojo picking you up off the hard grassy ground into his arms, and starts carrying you away down the field.

“W-What the hell are you doing?” you ask, his pacing across the grass is fast and you have to wrap your arms around his neck to keep from getting dizzy.

“I’m taking you to the hospital,” he says, voice strained in his throat, and you’ve never seen him look so worried before. 

“The hospital?! Please don’t, I don’t have health insurance right now.” His face is so close and you’re distracted from the pain of your headache.

“You’re bleeding on the face, I’m taking you whether you like it or not,” he grumbles.

You dig your nails into his shoulder through the nylon of his shirt, and he hisses from the pain before stopping in his tracks. “I don’t need to go to the hospital, Satoru, I just need a fucking bandaid.”

“You could have a concussion.”

“A concussion?!” You kick your feet for him to let you down but his grip on you only tightens. “You’re being ridiculous. Let me go, or I’ll bite you.”

He scoffs at that and continues walking forward. “You’re gonna bite me? That’s the most threatening thing you could come up with?”

“I’m being so dead serious, Gojo Satoru. No hospital.”

He grumbles something under his breath at your use of his full government name, and then says “fine” but he’s still walking down the grass until his cleats begin to tap on concrete, and then on what sounds like tile as he carries you into a building a few yards from the field.

He seats you on a cold counter, your hand gripping the faucet of a sink, and you finally take a comprehensive look at your surroundings. light blue, faint scent of chlorine in the air

“Is this…a locker room? The men's locker room?”

He sighs, bending his knees a bit to look at your face closely. You flinch when his hand reaches out, and he pauses, but you relax slightly and then he rubs his thumb over your cheek. You feel the smear of a droplet of blood. “Yes. I need running water.” He turns the faucet of the sink on to run his thumb under.

“For what?” you ask. His thumb is running over your cheek again.

“To take care of this cut.” He disappears behind a tile wall for a moment. You can hear metal clanking, probably of a locker opening and closing, and he re-emerges with a first-aid kit.

You slide your butt across the counter to the edge, about to hop off and make a run for it when he grabs your hips and puts you back into place. “Don’t even think about it,” he grumbles. He leans forward, grips you strongly, and you see that he’s still breathing heavily from practice, strands of hair stuck to his forehead with sweat, and you can practically taste the salt on his neck. 

You press your shin to the front of his thigh, desperate to put some space between the two of you. “I don’t wanna be in here. Men are scary.”

“Well I can’t take you into the women’s locker room,” he says, ripping the packet of an antiseptic wipe open with his teeth, “I’d get registered as a sex offender.”

You attempt at an escape again, and he’s quick to get his hands on you to stop it.

“Quit manhandling me, or I’ll scream,” you threaten through gritted teeth, because you’re still mad at him. For everything.

“Go ahead,” he says, using his knee to spread your legs apart, then finds a place to stand between your thighs to get closer to you. “I’ve got a lot of ways I could shut you up.”

You blink at him, breath catching in your throat, and the expression on his face tells you he’s not interested in dealing with your stubbornness anymore.

“Just hold still,” he grumbles, placing the packet down on your thigh and then stepping off to the side to wash his hands under the sink.

“What exactly happened?” you ask, watching him dry his hands off with a few paper towels. One moment, Kai was trying to explain good digital photography to you, and the next you were dizzy from being knocked back onto the ground.

“You got hit by a soccer ball.”

“I know, but how?” You remember your camera hit your face from the impact too, and now you’re worried about it.

“I…wasn’t paying attention when my teammate passed it,” he admits with a sigh, finding his place in front of you again, the knuckles of his clean hand brushing across your cheek, caressing. Your expression softens slightly. He uses a hand spread across the small of your back to push you forward to him, then he gently passes the wipe over your wound.

“Oh okay so, you failed to protect me from a flying soccer ball.” 

He pulls his hand from you to read the lettering on the back of the packet. “I’m patching you up now, aren’t I?” he says, annoyed. “…oh fuck, I was supposed to go in with water first.”

“So glad to be in such good hands right now.” 

He gives you a pointed look, but you ignore it and turn your torso to see your reflection in the mirror for the first time. You had a small wound on your cheek, right over the bone, with some bleeding and it’s wider than it is deep. But when you look at Gojo again, who’s putting some ointment onto a Q-tip now, the look of guilt and worry on his face makes you feel satisfied for some reason, and you wanted to make it worse.

“Does it hurt?” he asks, brow furrowed, applying the cold gel to your cheek.

“Mhm. A lot.” Not really, no.

“Fuck. I’m sorry,” he sighs, head dipping towards you slightly to get a better look, “can you feel this?”

“Ahh, yeah. Ouch. So much.” Barely.

His other hand is placed flat on the counter next to where you’re sitting, and you allow it when his thumb starts to run soothing circles over your hip.

“Hmm…” you start, wide eyes looking up at him as he seems to lean closer and closer to you with every word that leaves your lips, “I really wonder if it’ll leave a scar.”

He looks tortured. His hand that was maneuvering the Q-tip in his hands drops to the counter now, and he brings his other one to your face, cupping your cheek. His eyes dart from the wound, thumb pressing at the plush of your cheek, and this time, it hurts a little so you wince. His expression is tense, some sort of inner turmoil you could read across his forehead, and then his jaw hardens.

“Who was that guy you were talking to earlier?”

You blink a few, then tilt your head slightly. You feel like you’re on a game show, where there’s four options and only one right answer. New boytoy, gay best friend, fuck buddy, or— “He’s my coworker.”

“That’s it?”

“Mhm.”

“Has he tried anything funny with you?” 

You almost roll your eyes. “No, dad, he hasn’t.”

“Woah. Say that again but make it daddy.”

“Hey just a quick question for you. Where do you get the audacity?”

His bent index finger finds a place under your chin, tilting your head up so you’re forced to look at him. “It’s your fault, really. I can’t help it sometimes,” he says, voice lower now. You’re squirming a little, wanting to push him away but his lips get close to your cheek, brushing near your wound, like he wants to make it all better somehow. “I really am sorry,” he whispers, near your ear. There’s a whimper you have to stifle in your throat. He pulls aways just enough to where he can look into your eyes. “A cut…” he starts, thumb now passing over your bottom lip, “on your pretty face.” He sighs. You shouldn’t, but when he prods, you tuck his thumb under your front teeth and your tongue presses slightly against the padded skin of it. He looks like he’s being driven to insanity, and his other hand has no shame at all in pulling you towards him, to seat you at the edge of the counter, and you miss the texture of his thumb on your tongue when he pulls it from your mouth. But it’s so he can dip his head down to kiss you instead.

Of course the sensation of his lips on yours only lasts for a second, because the universe really fucking hates (or loves?) you, so the loud clanking of a metal water bottle against tile interrupts with harsh reverberation throughout the locker room walls, and he pulls away from you when you jump at the sound.

You both turn your heads towards the origin, located at the curved end of the entryway hall, and one of Gojo’s teammates is standing there with his duffle bag slung around his neck and hanging heavily to his thigh, his water bottle clutched in his hand. He blinks at the two of you.

Oh. It’s the one you kissed at that party a few weeks ago.

“What—…Why is there a—” his teammate starts, panicked, turning his head to double check the sign on the locker room wall as if he’s hallucinating, and when his eyes land on you again, they widen with recognition. His gaze shifts, and his chin tips down at the sight of Gojo’s irritated side eye from where he was still all up in your personal space. “…you know what. Nevermind.”

His teammate’s eyes are on you again, and you give him a shy little wave, just a fluttering of your fingers in the air paired with a small smile, legs swinging back and forth under the counter. He lets out an amused scoff from the entryway, lifting his hand to return the gesture, some cheeky grin on his face as he then scratches the back of his head before turning on his heel to leave the locker room, out of sight. You let out a sigh, hand dropping to your lap, and you don’t need to look at Gojo to tell that he’s staring at you with disbelief.

“What the fuck was that—”

“You,” you interrupt him, finger jabbing at the center of his chest, “have seriously got a lot of fucking nerve,” you hop off the counter, “to not only allow a soccer ball to sock me in the face,” he’s taking a step back with every harsh jab of your finger, “but to also hold me hostage in a mens’ locker room,” his back is pressed up against cold tile wall now while he just looks down at you with wide eyes and something akin to fear, “and then, oh my god, the audacity to kiss me?”

“I—”

“I don’t wanna hear it!” you yell, which shuts him up. “You really are just a fucking player.”

He’s stiff, not wanting to catch a punishment from you right now.

“But it doesn’t matter,” you grumble, still drilling your finger into his ribcage with the intent to cause pain. You didn’t need to be this close, but his body is warm, probably due to the blood pumping from practice, and it feels nice to be pressed up against. “Because I don’t have feelings for you anymore, so just fucking get over yourself.” It was a lie if you’ve ever told one, but you wanted to believe it so much that it could come off as the truth.

His eyes narrow down at you, eyebrows flattening. “You don’t have feelings for me anymore?”

“No, I don’t.”

“I don’t believe you.”

You roll your eyes. “Why? Because you want me to keep suffering?”

He grabs your hips, then makes a motion that is evident of his desire to pull you flush to him, but he stops himself. There’s a moment where he just takes a few deep breaths and looks at you with a hardened expression, then a split second where his eyes fall to that little cut on your cheek, and every single feature of his face softens, and then he lets you go.

You take a small step back, breathing heavily of your own, and you feel the ghost sensation of his fingertips wrapped around your hips. It makes you feel dizzy, and your thoughts are a mess. 

He sighs. “Sorry. For the soccer ball, and this locker room. But I’m not really sorry for kissing you, and if that makes me a jerk, then so be it.”

Your heart is beating fast. “You are a jerk, Satoru,” you say. He doesn’t like you, he doesn’t want you. A mantra played over and over in your head that you’ve started to hear it at night. “A real fucking jerk.” And you leave him standing there in a way that feels like the hundredth time.

—

2:34pm kaito (work): yo

2:34pm kaito (work): i had my guy look at your camera

2:35pm kaito (work): it’s pretty fucked up

2:37pm you: :( oh okay isee. does he have an estimate for the fix? the lens is okay though right?

2:39pm kaito (work): yeah lens is fine, you should really count your blessings on that. 

2:40pm kaito (work): but nah, fix would be around the same as the cost of it, so you’re better off getting a new one

2:42pm you: i don’t have thousands of yen laying around unfortunately. my car bill has sucked me dry

2:44pm kaito (work): well let me check with him. maybe he can hook you up with a good deal on a used one

2:45pm kaito (work): i got a 50% off on one of my canon cameras i bought from him a few years back. maybe he’s still got some like that

2:46pm you: yes could you check with him please? thanks so much, really

2:48pm kaito (work): sure. although i think the guy that kicked the ball to your face should be paying for your camera replacement

2:51pm you: they were just practicing. it’s their field

2:56pm kaito (work): alright. btw, you free tonight?

You blink at your phone screen from where you were sprawled across your bed. Before you have a chance to type out a response, your phone lights up with a phone call from kaito (work). You accept the call.

“Oh, hi,” you say.

“Hey, are you free tonight?”

“Oh uhh, I was just about to check my schedule.” You shake your head at your inability to come up with an excuse on the spot.

“Okay,” he says on the other line. You hear the sounds of cars honking in the distance. “Well let me know. I just left my camera guy’s shop, and he was telling me about how one of his friends does visuals for a short-film director, and that the director is looking for an assistant.” Kai grumbles something about someone he walked past being rude. “I think the director’s agency is Verve Films, so.”

You sit up in bed, eyes wide at the mention of the name. “Oh, oh wow. That’s insane.”

“Yup,” he says, “anyways, apparently the director is busy as fuck, so he left the hiring process up to my camera guy’s friend. I told him I knew someone that might be interested. Are you?”

You take a deep breath in and out. “Yeah, I am. Most of my experience on my resume lines up with short-film, so I’d be able to—”

“Alright great,” he interrupts, “so we can hold the interview tonight.”

“We?” you ask.

“Well yeah, me, my camera guy, the hiring guy. Maybe go for drinks or something.”

Your brow furrows. “That hardly sounds like an interview.”

Kai sighs. “Well, it’s not an interview for a desk job or something. It’s more of like—well, like building connections. I know you know all about that, since Utahime got you the newsletter job.”

Well, yes. She put a word in for you, which helped get the interview, but you still went against qualified applicants. “I guess.”

“It’ll be like that. Most opportunities you’ll get if you still want to pursue filmmaking are going to be like that,” he tells you, “if it feels informal, it means you’re doing it right. You might not think so now because you’re still in school, where they practically serve opportunities to students on platters, but it’s going to be different in the real world.”

You lay your head back onto the pillow, feeling like you’re receiving a lecture you didn’t ask for, and your first instinct is to pretend that you know better than he does. But when you think about all the stress recently, all of the not knowing, and the unsure, you question if you should start leaning into the advice of the people around you, and start to accept this career path for what it’s known to be. Unruly, unconventional, and a lot of times, unfair. 

“I see. Well, can I think about it? Tonight is too soon, I’d need time to research the director, put a portfolio together, and also do some interview prep,” you say, pulling your phone from your ear to glance at the time.

“Well, tonight’s the only night that works since their team’s shooting abroad for the weekend and they leave tomorrow morning,” he says.

You purse your lips together.

“But also,” Kai says, “it’s the nice thing to do, y’know, since my camera guy is taking the time to look at your camera for free, you could at least help his friend out. By the way, he just texted me, he does have some used Canons available at discount.”

You close your eyes for a second, just trying to process this conversation right now. Kai was speaking too fast, hardly enough time for you to even think.

“So do you want to do the interview tonight?”

“Yes, sure. Okay. Just— just send me the details. I’ll be there,” you say.

“Alright cool, will do.” 

You say bye, and then he hangs up.

A few hours pass by, where you spend some time putting together a flash drive of a couple of your best short films you’ve worked on in the past with other directors, as well as a portfolio of some recently developed film photography. The last thing to do was grab your emergency stash of print outs of your resume, and then you stuff it all into a folder before glancing at the mirror to take in your reflection. It felt extremely weird to show up to a job interview in something as casual as what you were wearing right now, but Kai insisted to not wear anything business. But at least you opted for jeans that don’t have any DIY holes in them.

Your face is glued to the navigation on your phone screen the second you get out of the taxi, and you walk down the bustling nightlife streets of Tokyo to get to this bar that Kai sent you the address of. But just as you’re about to turn the corner to your destination down the bar strip, you bump into someone’s chest due to lack of paying any proper attention.

“Ah— I’m so sorry,” you say, your grip on your phone tightening when you realize it was about to get knocked out of your hand, and then you look up to see a familiar face.

“Oh!” Geto exclaims from where he’s standing right in front of you, “You’re everywhere, y/n. What are you doing here?”

You open your mouth to speak, hesitate for a second, and then continue. “I’m here to…get drinks with some of my friends.”

He gives you a smile. “That’s nice. I am too.” He points over his shoulder to behind him. “Nanami got into his MBA program earlier this week, so, Satoru, Choso and I are buying him a few rounds. Or possibly a million. The plan is to incapacitate him as punishment for giving up on playing in the national league with us.”

You humor him with a laugh. “That’s sweet. Or not? Well anyway, tell him I said congrats.” Your heart starts to beat a little faster, because from the direction Geto came from, it meant Gojo was likely just around the corner somewhere. “Where are you heading to now?”

“We’re bar hopping, and I think I forgot my phone at the last one we went to over there,” he says, pointing across the street. “So I’m going to go look for it.” 

“Oh alright,” you say. “Good luck with that. I’m going to go find my, uh, my friends.”

Geto tilts his head at you and had a slightly more serious expression on his face, glancing at the folder in your hands. “Thanks. And stay safe.” 

You nod at him and then walk past him to round the corner onto the street that had groups of people loitering in front of restaurants, bars and all sorts of establishments as they wait in the cold to get inside or be seated. You recognize the name on one of the signs hanging as the one Kai sent you in his message, and when you’re a few feet away from it, you spot Kai. He’s wearing his typical street photographer wear, with a red flannel over a gray shirt and pants that are possibly a size too big for him, but that’s likely the style he was going for. He’s standing with two other people.

“Hey,” you greet Kai first, who has a pleasant look on his expression before he greets you back and gestures to the two people he was with.

“Yo, this is Junichi, my camera guy,” he says. “Don’t bother shaking his hand, he’s a germaphobe. Gotta keep ‘em clean for the electronics.”

“Oh,” you say. Junichi is a big man, broad shoulders and thick muscles. His neck is almost as thick as his bicep, and he has no hair on his head. His arms are crossed. “It’s nice to meet you. Thank you for taking a look at my camera.”

He nods at you in acknowledgment. “Sure thing. Pretty Boy here says you want to buy one of my used Canons. I don’t refurbish them, so you’d better know how.”

Kai sighs, nudging Junichi a little with a fist. “Relax, dude, we can talk about that later. Also, stop calling me that.”

Your eyes flicker to the right, where another man stood, who you assume was Junichi’s friend and this Verve Films director’s visual effects specialist. He’s similar in stature to Kai, with that casual artist look, and he has a scuffle of facial hair littering his jaw in less of an intentional fashion but rather a five-o-clock shadow fashion. You vaguely register the scent of weed, familiar to the one that lingers in the photo lab on campus after class hours. He reaches his hand out to you first.

“Hi, I’m Ren. I work in visual effects for director Akira Ko at Verve.”

Your eyes widen as you shake his hand.  “That’s amazing. I’ve studied a lot of his contemporary works, I’d love to learn more about his process.”

Ren lets a fast exhale out through his nose. “Yeah, you’ll learn a lot under him.” He pauses to shove his hands into the pockets of his jacket. “Most of his assistants always do.”

“We’ve been waiting for too damn long,” Kai interjects before you could ask any questions about the assistant position, and he glances at his watch, “and there’s still a lot of people ahead of us.”

You glance around to the small groups of people gathered in front of this bar on a lively Friday night, eyes jumping from one area to the next, until a familiar silhouette catches your eye.

You see Gojo standing with Nanami and Choso a few strides away, near the lamppost. He’s mostly turned away from you, Nanami nudging his arm annoyed at something he said, and the sound of his laughter in the air makes your heart feel like it’s at stray. Like that was where you were supposed to be right now, not here.

You watch him from the distance as he sighs, shrugging his shoulders up and down slightly before crossing his arms when Choso gestures towards the entrance of the bar, and so he looks in that direction too. He’s frowning slightly and he brushes some of the hair fallen over his forehead away from his eyes, in that boyish way that makes your heart skip a beat, and you know he’s just doing it to see a little bit better, but it makes you want to cry. 

Geto walks up to them and rejoins their little circle, and holds his phone up in the air, and then there’s the melody of their voices bouncing off one another’s again. Geto rests his elbow up onto Gojo’s shoulder, leaning in a bit closer to tell him something, and when Gojo hears it, you see his entire body tense before his wide eyes are searching his surroundings, until those eyes land on you.

Your breath catches, and you hold his eye contact for only a moment before you look away, because it almost felt like too much to bear.

“What’s that folder in your hand?” Ren asks you, and you turn completely to face him so you can’t see Gojo in your periphery at all anymore.

“I just brought some of my work, for your—er, I guess Mr. Ko’s—reference if he’d like to see it after today’s…interview,” you say. “There’s a flashdrive, too.”

Ren has an amused look on his face and he shoves Kai’s shoulder with his palm. “Dude, you didn’t tell her?”

Kai shakes his head. “Tell her what?”

“Ohh, I see how it is,” Ren muses.

“What?” Kai asks, starting to sound annoyed.

Ren tips his chin up slightly to study Kai’s face, and then his look of amusement dissipates into one of understanding. “Nothing.”

“Tell me what?” you prod.

“Just that you didn’t really need to bring all of that with you,” he says. “Sorry for the trouble.”

You shake your head. “It’s fine, but if you could still give it to him—”

“I’m surprised Kai suggested someone when I asked if he knew anyone,” Junichi jumps in, “I’m used to him grumbling on and on about how shit the work is in filmmaking. Would’ve thought he’d convinced you to look the other way by now.”

You blink at the gruff man, then look at Kai, and he’s just staring down at the dirt of his shoes. “Well, we had a conversation about it. But I’m pretty set on what I want to do,” you say.

Kai lets out a scoff. “Yeah, I don’t really know how else to warn you about the shit show you’re in for, but if you want to be in debt to grad school for the next couple decades of your life, then it’s up to you.”

“Hey, jackass, try to be a bit nicer,” Ren speaks up. “She’s got some goals. Big fuckin’ deal.” He turns to you. “Although, he’s got a point sweetheart, school’s not going to get you anywhere in this industry.”

You frown. “A lot of directors I look up to went through graduate schooling. Most, I would say. I don’t understand where this rhetoric is coming from.”

“It’s coming from real people with real experience,” Ren says, and you dislike the way he takes a step closer to you to reiterate his point, “honestly, you should save yourself some time and give up on applying. It’s not worth it.”

“I’ve already put my application together,” you say, brow furrowing slightly, “I’ve asked professors for my references, spent the past four years working on my profile—” 

“But working under a director, I mean really getting to work under one, beats all of that. Which is why you’re here, right?” Ren asks, but it’s not curious, it’s testing.

You feel a sheen of sweat build at your forehead, even in this cold, and you clench your hand into a fist once, twice, thrice. You’re breathing fast, and the three sets of eyes that are staring so scrutinizingly into your soul right now have you faltering, like if they took another step forward, tried to intrude what you thought you knew one more time, you’d fall backwards over the cliff.

Suddenly, a hand wraps around your upper arm, and when you turn your head to the left, you see Gojo standing there.

“Hey,” he says to you, sparing one single sidewards glare towards Kai, who immediately averts the eye contact, before Gojo’s eyes are on you again, “can I talk to you for a second?”

You look at the three men in your circle, who suddenly adopt skittish body postures, and Gojo doesn’t really wait longer than a few seconds before he’s pulling you away from them over towards the edge of the curb towards the street.

“What?” you ask once he lets go of your arm.

“What are you doing here with those guys?” he asks.

“I’m—…why does it matter to you?” you ask.

“It matters to me because of the fucking absurd conversation I just overheard,” he says, “now answer me.”

His tone annoys you, and you cross your arms. “Are you eavesdropping?”

“I’m going to ask you one more time,” he says, taking a step forward to you, “who are those guys, and why are you here with them?”

You blink at him, furrowed brows relaxing slightly as you drop your crossed arms to your side, and you stare straight ahead at the blankness of the white t-shirt he’s wearing, as your mind runs blank to his question. Why were you here with them? Was it because you had no other plans? Was it because the opportunity sounded too good to be true, and you just had to see for yourself? Was it because you’ve been unable to sleep at night from all the stress, the financial worries, the rejection, and you just want to finally feel like you’ve done one good thing for yourself? To feel like you’re at least making one step in the right direction, no matter the cost?

“I’m here for a job interview,” you say to him. Your tone is flat, and you feel numb.

“A job interview?” he asks, with just about as much incredulity you would’ve expected to hear from him at that answer, “At a bar? How does that make any sense?”

“It…” you start, “sounded fine.”

“It sounds shady as fuck.”

“This doesn’t concern you, okay? I’m—…I’m just trying to make my goals work for me, Satoru, and I really don’t expect you to understand.”

“Why wouldn’t I understand?” he asks. There’s confusion in his voice, and maybe even a little bit of hurt.

“Because you can’t even understand how unfair and painful it is for me that you keep—” you have to purse your lips together briefly to fight back the knot in your throat, “…that you keep interfering with my life everywhere I go.”

His expression softens, and he silently stands in front of you for a moment. His eyes dart across your face, and then he reaches out to grab your hand. “Listen, if you still want to get drinks tonight, then just get drinks with us. But don’t hang out with those guys. They’re bad news, especially the dude with the flannel, and I don’t think you’re in a good place right now to see that.”

Your eyes see white fury at that, and you all but snap. Because the irony of this whole situation, is that you’re not in a good place right now because of him. Because of all the pain that he’s put you through, for promising to stay away but then always being near, for saying he doesn’t want you but then acting like he does. 

“You know what I think, Satoru?” you ask through gritted teeth, yanking your hand from his grasp.

He’s looking at you, studying. “What?”

You take a step forward, threateningly, and he takes a step back so that he steps off the curb and onto the road, and you’re at eye-level with him now. “I think that you’re jealous,” you say, eyes glaring daggers into his.

He blinks at you, almost dumbfounded for a moment before he says “what?”

“You’re just fucking jealous that I seem to be moving on after you rejected me, because for some weird reason, you think it’s okay to not want me, and yet not want me to be with anyone else,” you say, practically hissing the words. “You don’t like seeing me with any guys other than you? You don’t want to believe me when I say that I’m over you? You’re not sorry for kissing me? Even after knowing,” you take a pause to breathe, because you feel like you can’t, “even after knowing that I like you,” eyes blinking fast because you don’t want him to see you cry right now, “you know that I like you so fucking much, and that it’s hurtful, and that it’s wrong— and even after all of that, you act the same, and still won’t promise me any commitment of your own.”

He’s looking at you with an expression you can’t read, but you’ve lost all interest in trying to understand it anymore.

“You don’t want me hanging out with them?” you repeat after him, “I’m not listening to that. Because it’s possessive. And it’s wrong.”

At the mention of them, Gojo clenches his jaw. “That has nothing to do with you and me, right now. What they’re trying to convince you of doesn’t make any sense, and it won’t help you achieve your dreams either, y/n.”

“You don’t know anything about my dreams, Satoru,” you say, just to hurt him. But you think about the sincere expression on his face the first time you met him when you told him that you wanted his help with your assignment. You think about the playful nudge of his elbow that night he stayed with you on the curb, and told you that you just had to try to put yourself out there, because you couldn’t accomplish anything without facing your fears. You think about how he’s always the first to like every single one of the slideshows you post of your pictures on Instagram. You think about the adoration in his eyes, reflected off the moonlight through the hotel window, when you told him about a little cottage on the countryside, one you’ve always wanted, and those eyes told you that he was really rooting for you. “You don’t know. Because you—” there’s an echo of words in your head. Someone else’s words, not yours, “Because you’re a college athlete. And—” you let out an exhale, “and you don’t pay tuition.”

His brow furrows. There’s a beat of silence as his confusion settles in. “What?”

“You were born blessed with talent, and you’re popular, and people adore you, and you don’t have to worry about internships, or jumping from job to job just to make something of yourself,” you say, picturing your life in your head along with all the strife, “or about all of the sinking debt, and the worry, and the— and the car repair bills,” you say, almost with a scoff, eyes sheening with tears, like you’re losing your mind, “all of the fucking car repair bills.” Your chest is heaving as you shake your head. “Because you’re set for life as long as you kick a fucking ball.” 

His lips purse together, like he can tell there’s more on your tongue to say, more hurtful words, and he wants to hear you say them. And so you do.

“You’ve never had to suffer or worry about a single thing in your life. So don’t pretend like you understand what I’m trying to do here tonight,” you say, inflection signing off on the end, to tell him that you’re done. 

He stands in front of you, practically motionless except for the slow movement of his chest as he breathes. His expression, tense and hurt, softens slowly, and you see him digging his nails into the skin of his palms through fidgeting clenched fists at his sides. And then he relaxes them, too.

“Does that make you feel better?” he asks.

His question confuses you, and for some reason, regret washes over you. “What?”

“Does thinking of me that way—…does it make you feel better about all of this? Between us?”

You’re breathing fast, eyebrows pinching upwards to look at him, and the defeated expression on his face makes your heart ache. He’s waiting for an answer, and so you give him one. “Yes.”

He glances down at the ground for a moment, then at your collarbone, before meeting your gaze again. “I’m sorry. For everything. And I—” the words catch in his throat briefly, “I’ll try to leave you alone tonight.”

His use of the word try doesn’t escape you, but you give him a furtive nod, and he studies your face for a few moments before he steps back up onto the curb and walks past you. You watch him walk all the way, no longer with that confidence or conviction you’re so used to seeing in him, as he steps back into his circle, to Geto’s side. Geto gives a small glance over his shoulder to look at you with discerning eyes before looking at Gojo again, and then he’s turned away from you. 

Heavy feet drag you back to Kai, Ren, and Junichi, and you feel feverish. They mention something about the table being ready, and you nod. The bar is rustic, with more tables than barspace, and the four of you are seated and then presented with a small food menu. You’re seated next to Kai, Ren is right across from you, and Junichi is to his right. You watch a waitress usher Nanami, Choso, Geto and Gojo to one of the tables as well, two away from yours, and you forcefully blur your vision so you don’t have to catch sight of the expression on Gojo’s face.

“So,” Ren speaks up as his eyes peruse the food menu and Junichi waves the waitress over to order a round of sake, “tell me more about your experience, sweetheart.”

You blink at him, eyes feeling heavy, heart feeling heavy. “I’d prefer it if you called me by my name.”

Ren lets out a coo, and you briefly glance at Kai who’s shaking his head with a sigh. “My bad, y/n. Your experience?”

Your hands play with the folder sitting in your lap. “I started writing screenplays for small-scale directors when I was a freshman, and was greenlit on a couple into my sophomore year. One of the films I worked on, I had directing credits for, and it was nominated for best screenplay at Etoile Film Festival the year following.”

Ren swallows slightly, shifting in his chair and pushing his shoulders back, like he’s trying to establish himself now. Kai is clenching a fist on the surface of the table.

Ren clears his throat before speaking again. “Wow, okay, so you’ve actually got some serious shit going on.” His voice is a faux octave deeper. “What do you know about being a good assistant? Ever worked in customer service? Secretary?”

“Oh, I mean I have worked in customer service, but I wasn’t done sharing about my experience—” you try to say but Junichi cuts you off.

“First round’s on me,” he declares, “for bringing her out here.” He tips his chin to you and then sends Kai a glance.

A waitress brings by a bottle of sake, and Junichi begins pouring drinks into the glasses, then slides them across the table. Kai gives Ren a pointed look. 

“Don’t get too wasted,” Kai says to him as he brings his glass to his lips, “you start running that mouth of yours a little too much when you do.”

Ren grins at him and immediately knocks down the glass Junichi barely finished pouring from him in one go, and the gruff man beside him is grumbling. “Whatever you say.”

Something had been bothering you since you came here. “Wait,” you say, pointing between Kai and Ren, “do you two know each other already? Because,” you turn to look at Kai, “on the phone earlier, you sounded like you didn’t.”

Kai’s eyebrows raise in surprise, as though he’s discovered you have some skill for foresight. You glance at Ren, and he gives Kai a puzzled look.

“Uh, yeah. I’ve known Kai for years,” he says, “we go way back. We went to highschool together.”

Kai shifts a little in his chair. “Sorry. Probably forgot to mention it.”

You glance down at the glass of sake in front of you, and the way it twinkles under the lighting of the bar. You slowly bring it to your mouth, taking a small sip, and the way it coats your tongue is less than pleasing. 

“Can you tell me more about the assistant position?” you ask Ren, who’s emptied out the bottle of sake and waving someone over to order more. He already has a slightly flush to his face.

“Yeah, yeah, will do,” he says, “but first, let me tell you about what I do in visuals.”

Another round of sake is dropped by, and then another, followed by another, as Ren continues to ramble on and on about what he does for work, and how it’s entirely integral to the final piece of the film, although you’ve never really had a terrible level of appreciation for visual effects in short-film craft, since it’s hardly much work. But you wouldn’t say that, you just continue to nurse your one glass of sake as the three men surrounding you knock back more and more, and there’s slurs to their speeches now.

“Sooo, I’m so sorry, sweetheart—I mean y/n, for cuttin’ you off earlier,” he says, “but what was that experience you wanted to talk to me about?” Ren asks from across the table, and his eyes are all traveling over you.

“I…” you start, “well, I started to work with one of my professors last year, she’s a two-time Cannes Film Festival winner, and she let me under her wing for one of her projects last year.”

“Who is she? Oh wait, nevermind, probably wouldn’t have heard of her anyways,” Ren says, but when you fail to laugh, he waves his hand in the air. “Joking, joking. What’s her name?”

“Naoko. Naoko Ogigami.”

“Oh shit. I have heard of her,” Ren says, followed by a shallow hiccup. Junichi shrugs his shoulders, and when you look at Kai, he’s nodding slowly and toying with the rim of his glass with a finger.

“Yes. Well, anyways—” you start up again, before Kai sets his glass of sake down particularly loud.

“This is all bullshit. Really. I told you, filmmaking is a waste of time. Just focus on your photography, and your freelance or whatnot,” Kai says, grit to his jaw, face looking red with possibly something other than just a tipsiness. 

Ren lets out a laugh. “Fuckin’ Kai. What a pessimist. Don’t listen to him, sweetheart,” he says, slurred, and you furrow your brow at him with a glare, “sorry. Don’t listen to him. Trust me, you’ll learn a lot under Mr. Ko. He’s a suuuper nice guy.”

“What’s the compensation?” you ask. It’s a brazen question, one you’d never ask so soon in a formal interview process, but this table was hardly anything formal.

“Real good. Mmm I think like…5200 yen an hour, and then also, you get your foot in the door.”

“Oh,” you sit up a little in your chair. It was higher than most entry-level anything for undergraduates or even new grads. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he drawls when he sees you’re more interested. “Good stuff. Kai used to pick these kinds of jobs up, too, back in his college days. I remember. Although, he’s hardly Mr. Ko’s type, so I doubt he’d be any good for this one.”

Your head snaps to Ren again at his words, face tensing. 

“Tell her about what a job like this—hic—entails,” Ren says as he extends his glass out for Junichi to pour him another.

Kai glances at Ren once, and you watch him grind his teeth for a moment, and then there’s a hint of a smirk on his face.

“Oh. Y’know, clerical work. Stuff like printing scripts out,” Kai starts, Junichi filling up his glass and then he raises it into the air to watch the liquid swish around, “grabbing him coffee. Making sure his trailer is stocked.”

“Blowing him in said trailer,” Ren says. It’s something quiet, under his breath with a small laugh, where you could barely hear it across the table. But you heard it nonetheless. And your heart sinks to the core of the earth.

“Excuse me?” you say. The benefit of doubt sitting on your shoulder, watching in disbelief as well.

“He’s joking,” Kai says, quickly, “runnin’ his mouth.”

“Oh fuck off, Kai,” Ren says, throwing his hands up in the air, “don’t act like that’s not why you brought her here.”

Your head slowly turns to Kai, who can’t meet your gaze. Your eyes flicker to Junichi, who looks amused. 

Ren leans over the table, elbows resting on top, to look you straight in the eyes. He’s got a sleazy smile, and you can smell the alcohol on his breath, and he dips his tone down low enough to where you can hardly hear it over the sounds surrounding you in the bar. “That’s how you’ll make it in this industry, sweetheart. Whether you like it or not, you’ll be working under those directors until you make it.”

You stand up so fast that your chair falls behind you, hand raised in the air, and you swiftly slap the man across from you so hard across the cheek that it leaves his skin even more red than the flush from before, and your palm is stinging. 

There’s gasps all around the bar, hushed voices, eyes on you, but you don’t care. There’s not a single thing in the world you care more about right now than the anger swelled in your chest.

Ren holds his cheek, surprised, blinking like a pathetic animal. He almost looks like he’s about to cry, and you let out a scoff at the sight.

You turn to face Kai, whose eyes are wide and he’s staring up at you. Your fists are clenched at your side.

“Is this why you brought me here tonight?” you ask. Your voice is trembling, anxiety at the wake, the white anger spotting your vision. But there’s also pain. So much pain, and you’re just so fed up with all of it. “Because your belittling, condescending words weren’t enough to tear my hopes apart, so you had to humiliate me in front of your friends instead?”

Kai holds his hand up. “Woah, Canon, relax. He was just joking—…” Kai glances at Ren, who’s still holding his cheek and biting down on his lip, and then his gaze hardens. “Y’know what? It’s about fucking time you get this wake-up call, y/n. I’ve been trying to do the nice thing to steer you in the right direction, and the least you could—”

“Steer me in the right fucking direction?!” you’re yelling now, registering the way your voice echoes in the bar. “You know what I think this is all about, Kai?” You grit your teeth, “You’re a sick, stupid, sexist fuck who didn’t have the balls to go after what he wanted. So miserably pathetic that you’ve got no other fucking business than to pull people down to your level.”

Kai pinches his eyebrows together, hand on the table clenching into a fist. 

You lean down closer, an exasperated scoff leaving your lips. “Why don’t you go be his assistant instead? Since I’m sure you’re good at taking it up the ass.”

Kai’s eyes twitch, “you fucking—”

You grab his glass off the table and throw the alcohol into his face, eliciting another round of noises around the bar, and his mouth falls agape in shock before he gets up out of his chair, hand reaching out to grab for you. You close your eyes shut with a flinch to expect pain. Any sort of pain. But you don’t feel anything at all.

When you open your eyes, you see Gojo standing to your left, veins of his arm tense with the tight grip he has on Kai’s forearm, and you can see he’s practically shaking with rage. He steps in front of you, guarding, and you can’t see the expression on his face, but the fear in Kai’s eyes is enough to say it all.

“That’s enough,” he says, the clench of his jaw evident through the strain in his voice, “try to put your hands on her again, and I’ll split your fucking face in half.”

You can see Kai’s breathing pick up from where you’re peering over Gojo’s shoulder, and then Gojo shoves him backwards right as Choso kicks the fallen chair to his feet so he trips over it backwards then hits the ground with a loud and indignant thud.

Gojo’s hovering over Kai, his hands shoved in his pockets as he glares down at him, while Geto and Nanami put space between you and the other two men at your table. You feel a searing flush to your cheeks. You’re breathing fast, the peering eyes all around you are scrutinizing, looking at you with surprise, confusion, shock, and pity. Your mind is racing, and you wonder what your parents would think of all this. What your friends would think of all of this. What the people who support you would think of the fucked up situation you’ve found yourself in, and the humiliation courses so deep through your veins that you just want to run away and hide. The ground could swallow you whole right now, and it still wouldn’t be enough.

You take one step back, then another, before you turn on your heel to rush out the door into the night, and you barely register that it’s raining. You can feel your heart thumping fast in your chest and in your head, that familiar knot in your throat twisting tight as you walk fast down the street and ignore Gojo’s call of your name from behind you.

You don’t want to see anyone right now. You don’t want to be seen by anyone right now. Especially Gojo, of all people, because he was right about everything, and the fact that you had shut him down about it, and the way that you had shut him down about it makes your head numb and your breathing pick up fast.

“y/n,” you hear him call out from behind you, his pace is getting faster and so you’re resorting to longer strides as well, puddles of water splashing under your feet with every step, “just wait—”

“I’m seriously,” you start, and the tears begin to fall, “I’m seriously so, so, so, so, so fucking embarassed right now,” you gasp out the words with no air left in your lungs to breathe as you continue to run away from him, “so please, just leave me alone.”

You can picture it all in your head. Something like I told you so from his lips, because after what you’ve been put through tonight, you just want to assume the worst in people.

But just as you round the corner into an alley, feeling lost with the sight of a dead end, you feel a hand wrap around your arm and then you’re being pulled into an embrace.

Your eyes are blinking with tears streaming, your face buried in a chest that is warm, with a heart beating so fast that it’s keeping time with your own, and the fragrance that surrounds you is so painfully him that it makes you sob even more.

Strong arms wrap around you, pulling you closer, and Gojo rests his chin at the top of your head. “I’m sorry,” he says softly, and you can feel the rumble of his voice, “I just needed to stop you from running.”

Your arms are weakly raised, an outline over his torso but not yet grabbing on, until you hesitantly do. And when you hold onto him, it’s so tight and strong, and you realize that after everything between the two of you, it’s the first time you’ve been wrapped in his arms.

“I feel so stupid,” you start, already hating the words because you want to be stronger right now, but you can’t.

“You’re not stupid,” he quickly corrects you, “those guys are fucking insecure losers. You’re just trying your best. You always have, for as long as I’ve known you, and it’s something you should be proud of yourself for.”

You don’t know what to say to him, you just cling to the damp fabric of his shirt in the rain.  

“Things are going to work out for you, no matter what, because I know you’ve got what it takes and you’re willing to work hard for it,” he says, his chin nuzzling so you’re tucked into him even further, “and if things don’t work out, that’s okay, you’re strong and you’ll always get back up. And I want to be there to help you through everything.”

You pull your face from his chest to stare up at him, droplets of rain falling to your face and making you flinch occasionally. “I’m confused.”

His hand comes up to cup your face, swiping at a tear on your cheek, or maybe it was rain. “I thought that—” he starts, his thumb briefly running over the small cut still healing on your cheek, his brow furrowing, “I thought that I’d be okay with watching your life from afar, through cropped pictures on a screen,” he says, a chill running through you, “but I can’t. It’s killing me. And I’m really sorry that it took me this long to tell you this, but I like you so much and I really want to be with you.”

Your eyes widen at his words, and you don’t know how to feel. You push your face into his chest again. His thumb runs circles at your side through the dampness of your shirt.

“There are a lot of reasons I didn’t feel like I could date you, or show up for you,” he says, “but the pain of not getting to be with you, of not getting to hold you, and just share my life with you is way worse than whatever reasons I kept trying to convince myself of.”

You nod slowly, because there was a part of you deep inside that knew that all along. 

His grip on you relaxes slightly and you take that as a request from him for you to look up at him, so you do. “I know I’ve put you through a lot of pain, and I’m really not a perfect person, but if there’s room in your heart to forgive me, I promise you that I’ll do everything I can to make you feel happy and cared for.”

Your eyes study his face for sincerity. They’re words you’ve been wanting to hear, words you could’ve pictured in your head, but the adoration in his eyes makes you realize you never could’ve imagined the true sweetness of those words when they’re said from him.

You press your cheek to his chest again. You’re not crying anymore. “I’m sorry for what I said to you earlier. About kicking a soccer ball, and having it easy,” you bite down on your lip, because now there’s tears in your eyes again, “I didn’t mean it.” You sniffle a little, “I know you work hard. And it was a really mean thing to say.”

He sighs, holding you flush to himself. His cheek presses against the top of your head. “That’s okay, you don’t have to apologize for that.”

“But I do.”

There was no grudge at all. There was nothing withdrawn from you, nothing taken away as punishment. He just held onto you, exactly as you are, and you felt so safe in every second you spent in his arms.

You look up at him again. His hair is damp, strands clinging to his face in all the places they usually fall over, droplets of rain falling from his fringe onto your face and he does everything he can to wipe them away. “It’s too late,” you tell him, and he immediately knows what you’re referring to.

He just holds you closer. “I know.”

“I don’t have feelings for you anymore,” you say through a sniffle.

He knows you’re lying, and that you say it just out of spite, but he holds your head to his chest. “I know.”

“You’ll have to beg and grovel, and even then, I might not like you ever again,” you say, gripping so tightly onto his shirt for purchase, your voice sounding muffled as you breathe in the scent of him. “That’s your punishment.”

He presses a kiss to the top of your head. A firm press of his lips, lasting as he takes a few deep breaths. And then he kisses the same spot again, staying still in that position as he repeats himself.

“I know.”

--

a/n. phewww thank you for reading, i swear, this chapter felt like a goddamn war to write. my emotions were all over the damn place, i think cause i wrote from a place of bitter experience lol. i dedicate this chap to my lovely friend she’s a film major (she inspired me to create this story) and i srs wouldn’t be able to write kickoff without her 😭💕 dear M♥︎, i thought of you sm while writing this chapter, i can only hope i’ve captured even the slightest bit of the understanding i will always aim to have of you, and that you feel seen. i’m incredibly proud of you, always rooting for you, so often thinking of you, and terribly missing you so much rn (plsssssss visit meee😩💔 ) dedicated w sm love 💕 -bitchasshoe this chapter is also dedicated to anyone who’s going through a hard times n maybe just trying to figure themselves out :”) i am so proud of you, you should be so proud of yourself, there’s still so much to live and learn, and i hope the universe blesses you w everything you’ve ever wanted!! big thank u to my lovely m00t @quinnyundertow she pulled me out of my writers block for this chapter and also beta read a lot of it for me there’s only three chapters left for kickoff (i’m gonna cry just thinking ab it :”)) which doesnt sound like a lot but there’s still a lot i’ve got planned 😭 i’m just noticing that i very poorly planned the second half of this series. chapters 1-6 combined have less words than chapters 7-9 combined 😅✨ sooooo i may increase the chapters from 12 to 14 by splitting them up to make it easier on me, or just stick to the plan and come out with long chapters like the last two. idk. i’ll figure it out. thank u to everyone for reading i love you all dearly 😭💕 i’ll see you in the next one!!

➸ take me to chapter ten!

➸ wrote some kickoff headcanons here

--

taglist: @who-can-touch-my-boob @therealestpussyeater @lost-resonance @hojoslutoru @foulprincesscycle @luniunia @alekssashka7 @bsdicinindirdim @tsukikourito @getitsatoru @slut-4-gojo @cactisjuice @kissofife @tiredflame132 @cliosunshine @ethereally-lyann @btszn @prince-wyiilder @semra4 @gojosimp26 @drthymby @ninitoru @bbyxxm @fvsm4x @sadmonke @zoinks1010 @bakuhoethotski @horisdope @sykostyles @aquaberrydolphin @colouringfrogssittinginleaves @ri-sa20 @purplehallow11 @mwtsxri @ritsatoru @bxddiebloss @chwesuh-imnida @mo0nforme @viware @still-fking-single @megumisthirdog @gintokhi @karvokr @cierocanteat @imjustaweirdnerd @ronniebird @bloopsstuff @mwtsxri @witchbybirth @tetsuski @fffinskye @gh0ulkz @beabadobeee @mandysfanfics @erencvlt @laviefantasie @sukunamylovexoxo @girlkissersco @itzjuliana @yell0wdreams @1dimas7 @strayedjeno @mo0nforme @yungbloode @sullybrothersmate @oaooaoaoaoa @swagangelllamawolf @banenemilk @inniesblog

(hope i didn't miss anyone thank u all sm!!)

[guardian5tiger3]

Pick a Group Tarot !

What's up ?

1. 2. 3.

Group 1 .

I'm actually picking up on past energy, like maybe 2000's , early 2010's .? It depends for everyone, the point is it's a message about the past, your past self. Something about your future has something to do with your past. Ok, of course. I mean, it's being suggested that you should go back in time, enjoy stuff you used to like that might make you nostalgic. Music, shows, movies, anything really. Especially around middle school age . Once again, it depends , but for a lot of you that's about the age I'm talking about, I believe. For some of you this is way off lol. The point is to relive some stuff from your past, bring back some memories. It'll open up your heart somehow. You'll feel a lot about it if you do, and find the right stuff. It may motivate you and give you a lot of energy moving forward. Hell. Yah. You guys. What more needs to be said. This is a sweet reading , if you ask me. A lot of you come up with so many questions and thoughts, yo why not just take the advice and try it out and if it works it works. Okay some of you are kind of struggling right now. For whatever reason, though, this is what I'm supposed to tell you. In general what spirit wants for you is to open your heart up and feel in your heart. Also weirdly specific but, something about a croissant.

Group 2.

Y'all need to be strong within yourselves at this time , maybe even more than usual. I'm getting this could very well be socially especially or for some in a work environment. Why am I picking up on a movie theatre. Mainly the popcorn. You guys seem like you're just kinda waiting for something to happen, and you're hoping this something happens, and it's good I'm seeing that you guys are dreaming big and stuff ya know.

Ohhhhhh. Y'all know what. Some of you need to maybe rethink a situation you rejected cause you're wanting someone specific and waiting for that. You literally might have just walked right past exactly what you want deep down lol. You guys!!!!! W.t.f. lol. Take your time to think about stuff and reflect. You may not even know what or who I'm talking about . Y'all gonna have to sit back for a while and contemplate maybe. Maybe you have too many standards or ideas but the universe knows what you want and need even more than you do. Dude I see this being a raw blessing. Y'all lmaoo!!! Serious. It may not seem appealing cause of whatever you've been taught to think or just your perception at first, but I'm telling you!!! Just, think about it, ok. You guys seem great by the way, good vibes. Just a little judgemental maybe. But I mainly feel lighthearted. I think that's lowkey your true natures, so, yeah. Peace and love ya goobers. Dang.

Group 3 .

You guys, sometimes you don't actually have to literally win the game to win the game. Sometimes playing the game and enjoying the game is where you really win, at the end of the day. Y'all get what I'm saying? Don't be too serious, don't be too hard on yourself or anyone else. You might need to have some heart healing taking place. Someone must have been harsh to you at some point in your life. You just need to reflect on that if that's the case, maybe and be nice to yourself and rebel against that. I'm also picking up the general concept of becoming your own best friend , being an appreciable character personality. Mainly a lot of what I'm getting is just reteaching yourself to be nice to yourself and enforcing respect on ya name. If you might be a little scared of personal development in some specific way though you know deep down it's good for you, know I can sense people will actually like and enjoy you even more afterwards.!

:)

[askchilchuck]

Hey, how can I help you?

(Please read below before interacting)

Hi! My name is Sophie! This blog has gotten enough traction that I feel the need to lay some ground rules for it.

1) This blog is intended to be PG13 so I don’t have to exclude younger fans from participating. I will not be answering anything that wouldn’t fly in canon, or is adjacent to it. Anything explicitly sexual, or can be construed that way will not be answered. This decision was made a couple months in, so do be advised there is some more suggestive content on the earlier posts on this blog. If you don't want to see that kind of content, stick to the newer posts.

2) Nothing related to suicide please. I tried playing it off the first time but between myself and some people around me, even the “KYS 🥰🥰🥰” jokes really aren’t funny, especially recently. Asks including it will not be answered.

3) No firearms. Related to rule 2.

4) Please no spammy asks. I’m honestly not sure how to answer them, and they clog up both the blog itself and the main tags.

5) No political asks. I understand how terrifying the results of the US election are, but I really need this place to be a break from all that. For my sake and yours. We both need spaces where we can recharge from this. Chilchuck doesn’t know what’s going on anyway, he deserves to live in ignorance from it. I love you.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun to bully him, but these things cross a line for me. Thank you for understanding.

If you’re an RP blog, you’re more than welcome to interact! Even if you’re not a Dunmeshi blog! I don’t always have the time to do reblog chains, though, so please don’t feel bad if I miss you there. It’s easiest for me if you submit RP as an ask when the box is open. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause. If you’re 18+ and interested, I also do private RP on my Discord, linked on my Dunmeshi side blog.

IN LIGHT OF DUPLICATE CHARACTERS:

I think that’s awesome and also really funny. I encourage it. We’ve already got a loose MCU/multiverse plot line going on so we can totally make it work, too. Hell yeah. Hilarious. Love that. /gen

Blog lore:

This blog takes place loosely post canon. I try to avoid spoilers, but little things here and there are inevitable. Chilchuck has made up with his wife and they’re currently working on their relationship. Chilchuck is also in therapy. This is for a few reasons.

1) I don’t think he’d actually answer any of these if he wasn’t.

2) He doesn’t talk about it a lot, but it was one of his wife’s conditions before giving the relationship another go.

3) He just. Should be in general and I have control of it so it’s happening lol

My Chil is bi, but in the middle-aged “everyone’s had gay thoughts before” kinda way, cause I think it’s funnier that way. He also gets high from time-to-time now that he’s not dungeneering anymore.

Folks kept turning him into different things/animals, so goldstar/⭐️ anon gave him an amulet to put a stop to that. "Marcus" also altered the spell on the amulet to encompass all transformations, since inanimate objects weren't initially included.

Squeaker also used a device to prevent any crab transformations specifically from occurring, as well as ejecting all crabs within a 20 mile radius.

There’s also a cult stalking him for some reason. (This is an ongoing problem. They haven't hurt anyone, and they seem to only be targeting Chilchuck.)

The TVA (Marvel) is loosely involved as well as previously mentioned. Squeak fixed it (or so she thought. There's now a DMCU situation going on.)

Also, Chil’s knowledge of the blog/Tumblr varies depending on what would be funnier, but generally he’s aware of the internet. He only uses his phone to answer your asks, though. He has no idea how to do anything else and has no desire to. This means he doesn’t fact check people or knows anything about the greater internet experience. No one knows how he got the phone, or how it’s holding a charge. Don’t worry about it.

ADDENDUM:

Chilchuck has recently started googling slang, and anything else that might be confusing or annoying to him. However, he hates the search feature and trying to find answers on individual websites, and will take the AI generated answers without question.

I myself don’t talk in the main posts, unless it’s tagged #ooc. Otherwise, I’ll always talk in the tags if I’ve got something to say. Or replies. Or DMs. Main post is the only place I’m in character unless specified otherwise.

Emoji anons:

•⭐️/goldstar anon

•🦉/owl anon

•👻/ghost anon

•♡/heart anon

•🐭/mouse anon

•🍬/candy anon

•🥣/bowl (cereal?) anon

•🐻🏀/bear basket ball anon

•🃏/joker anon

•🟣/Gojo Satoru

No other heart variants have been claimed. Also, heads up to all emoji anons, I’m going to start using just one tag for your asks going forward to make tagging easier! So I’ll just be using the emoji variant from here 💖

If you want to hang out with me in a less censored environment, I also run @chilfucked and @askchilchucknsfw which are 18+ only. I will ban all minors who so much as breathe on those blogs. I’m not joking.

I also reserve the right to update these rules as time goes on, so please check them again before submitting when the ask box is open again. Thank you!

[spaceorphan18]

The Rogue and Gambit Project: Previously On X-Men... Gambit

It's time to talk about Gambit! The nice thing about Gambit is that he was, at the time, a relatively new character, having only been around in the comics for about a year. Which means there is way less to cover! Boy, are we going to have to deal with some questionable art, though.

The Basics:

Name: Remy Etienne* LeBeau

*Okay, so, this is the funny thing about the name Etienne. Apparently, it started out as fanlore, and - as so many things that happen in fandom - gained popularity as fanon from a particularly well known piece of fanfiction from way back when. I believe it's actually been used in canon at this point. It is on Marvel.com - which is the official site. I'll keep a look out for it to show up.

Also, in case you didn't know (and I'm sure you did), Le Beau is French for The Beautiful.

Backstory: Just like Rogue, Gambit's backstory is shrouded in mystery. He's a thief. He's from New Orleans. He's Cajun. That's all your getting for now. Don't worry, we'll peel back the layers. ;)

Power Set (via uncannyxmen.net):  interkinetic power allows him to produce bio-kinetic energy within his body and use it to convert any inorganic object's potential energy into kinetic energy on contact, making the object highly volatile and explosive on contact, internal energy also grants him heightened agility and creates static interference that shields his mind from detection

I should also give the obligatory comment of - these powers are toned down from his full abilities because of /reasons/ which we'll get to eventually. He had Mr. Sinister give him a lobotomy and, we've all been suffering the consequences sense.

Alright, let's dig into Gambit's pre-Rogue run...

Uncanny X-Men 266-267

Uncanny X-Men #266

I have to start by appreciating the fact that Gambit is a thief who wears bright pink and metal boots. It's a bold look.

Anyway, the funny thing about Gambit is that the character he turned out to be ended up being a lot different from creator Chris Claremont's initial ideas. Apparently, he was supposed to be, ultimately, a villain and, while he was supposed to be a love interest for one of our characters, it wasn't Rogue, it was... Kitty Pryde. He was also supposed to be a Mr. Sinister creation and a third summers brother. Yeah, I'm kind of glad Claremont left before any of this stuff really came to fruition.

Also, I once read that Claremont claim that original artist Mike Collins made Gambit too pretty. Which is funny, because ngl, I really am not a fan of the look in his debut, and it will be a while before he really earns his name.

Uncanny X-Men #266

I also want to note that Gambit's powers were a little different back then. He didn't have playing cards yet, and instead used metal spikes as throwing devices. The powers were designated in green. And were charged from his eyes. Also, interesting to note - his eyes aren't red on black yet, either.

There's also 'hypnotic charm' thing that was kinda used in the early appearances. He does use it in his first appearance to tame some of the Shadow King's Hounds.

Uncanny X-Men #266

He's gonna be calling her 'Stormy' for years. She's gonna love it. ;) (Btw - he calls her Stormy 4 times in this issue alone.)

Okay, so... Gambit shows up, crossing paths with Storm at a mansion of some rich person. Storm is de-aged (for... reasons) and is running from the Shadow King and his minions. He's busy stealing art from the rich dude (who apparently is not home and has no security, lol).

And thus, one of my favorite comic book friendships is born. And really, this first appearance is a lot of fun as Gambit and Storm play off each other's strengths to get away from the Shadow King.

Uncanny X-Men 267

Jim Lee is going to add some of Gambit's more iconic features -- such as throwing playing cards (Gambit's Ace of Spades shows up in this next issue) and using some kind of staff (hilariously, it's a broom in this issue).

Storm and Gambit's adventures continue. He takes her to New Orleans for a while so she can recover from the Shadow King. They go thieving -- playing Robin Hood -- stealing from rich people because they can. And then the Orphan Maker comes along, who makes Storm a teenager? (Idk - the whole thing is weird - she'll become her real age again in the next story arc.)

Uncanny X-Men #267

And then Storm is like, hey, I have a crazy idea....

Uncanny X-Men Annual #14

Fun fact: Because of release dates and such, Uncanny X-Men #266 wasn't the first comic released to have Gambit in it. The Annual technically came out first, though it clearly takes place after Uncanny 266-267. But this is the first time we see Gambit among the X-Men team. Not that he does anything remotely interesting during this whole thing. He doesn't even speak, kind of hides awkwardly in the background.

X-Tinction Agenda (Uncanny X-Men #270-272; X-Factor & New Mutants)

Uncanny X-Men #270

Welcome to the X-Men, Gambit! Hope you survive the experience!

He's in the credit roll now, must be official. ;)

Gambit joins the team just as the mega X-tinction Agenda crossover starts. (Uncanny X-Men joins New Mutants and X-Factor for this one) And, I'll be honest, this isn't one of my favorite crossovers. The whole thing revolves around the nation of Genosha, how they're using mutants for slaves, and how all the teams come together to change the status quo. And of course, mutants get capture and tortured and a few killed. Fwiw X-Men: The Animated Series did do this storyline.

Uncanny X-Men #270

Gambit and Cable don't (won't) get to cross paths very often, so I found this an interesting panel. Anyway... Gambit really has very little to do during this crossover. When Storm gets captured, he is really concerned for her (as he considers her his partner at the moment) but he's not really vibe-ing the whole team dynamic yet.

Uncanny X-Men #272

This is arguably the coolest thing Gambit's done as of yet. Dude pulls a spike out of his leg to use as a lockpick and gets himself rescued. I'm glad they give him this, because, again, for the most part he's just kinda hanging around in the background not doing much.

I will say - he and Jubilee get to cross paths, which is going to be a source of fun in the next arc.

Space Shenanigans (Uncanny X-Men 273-277)

Uncanny X-Men 273

Some of my favorite issues are when the team is regrouping. Post- X-Tinction Agenda, it's clear that things in the X-Office were changing. Claremont is at this point sort of being pushed out, while Jim Lee and Co are becoming more the driving force behind the books. On panel, the teams are kind of merging. X-Factor's first era is drawing to a close, and the X-Men are resolidifying after being in flux for so long.

We're about to get a Space Soap Opera, as Claremont so dearly loves, but this issue is a bit of a breather between the arcs. And we get this bit of tension between Storm and Gambit - where Gambit is ready to move on, but Storm is back on solid footing again. They don't explicitly state why Gambit sticks around, but he definitely does...

Uncanny X-Men 273

I swear, this is Chris Claremont's favorite joke. He's used it before this moment, and he'll do it again. It's impactful the first time, but it does get old the more Claremont does it. However, we get the first highlight of the dynamic between Gambit and Wolverine -- which will be antagonistic for a while, but is fascinating.

Uncanny X-Men #274

Doesn't Gambit look sexy in his yellow team uniform?? ;)

Btw - as I mentioned earlier, this is the first issue Gambit and Rogue appear in together. Though they be miles and miles and miles apart.

Uncanny X-Men #275

The whole crux of this arc, that I've been kind of ignoring, involves Xavier being brainwashed in space (or something) and of course the X-Men get involved in space politics (again). Honestly, space stories are Claremont's favorite trope, so it doesn't surprise me that the end of his run are filled with a couple of them.

Anyway -- if there's one person impervious to Gambit's charms - it's Jubilee. They get to hang out a lot during this arc, and it's really delightful since they team up to kind of figure out what is going on with Xavier acting weird and all the odd space kool-aide people are drinking.

Uncanny X-Men #277

I actually really like this cover. Gambit's got a sword and a spear! Plus, he looks like his 90s cool self now. The blue and yellow uniform doesn't suit him AT. ALL. But we don't have to deal with it too much longer...

Uncanny X-Men #277

See... I told you Claremont was gonna do this again, lol.

Uncanny X-Men #277

The nice thing about this whole space arc is that Gambit really gets to come into his own. He now looks cool (note the red eyes are here!). He's doing fun stuff. He's taking on Wolverine and holding his own. He's being smart and tactical and an asset. They've paired him with some great X-Men to start off with, and it's paying off.

Meanwhile, we don't really know much about him. As many of the other characters state, his background is shrouded in mystery... (whether you like what it actually is can be debated as we get to it). But for now, he's intriguing as a new comer.

And this is where we're at as two story lines come crashing together and our two romantic leads get to meet for the first time.... off panel.

But I'll get more into that next time when I discuss... The Muir Island Saga!

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

TTPD Track Speculation/Prediction: @wavesoutbeingtossed Edition

Against my better judgment, I’m putting down my predictions before I am proven completely wrong on April 19.

on the other hand I did correctly attribute all of the 1989 TV vault track teaser lyrics to their songs before it was released so maybe I’m just that good jk.

I’m putting everything under a cut because it’s long and mostly just shooting the shit but it’s a long weekend so what the heck!

I started writing this the night the album was announced at the Grammys in February, so obviously things may have evolved in the meantime. It will be very interesting to see just how wrong I am!

Here be speculation, musings, jokes and more! Enter at your own risk!

SOUND:

I honestly have NO CLUE. I’ve said many, many times that I would be absolutely gagged for an Americana-folk type sound like Carolina/Safe and Sound/some of her acoustic performances on tour. I don’t really expect TTPD to sound quite that stripped back, though. (Prove me wrong, Taylor!)

I am kind of feeling pop-rock-y though, à la WCS, TTDS, based on absolutely nothing but that is also a genre/sound I love that I am begging to hear more on albums.

Completely off the wall guess: Something more jazzy-big band-y, based on nothing but her styling in recent months on the red carpet that harkens back to golden age of Hollywood vibes (especially the Grammys), the inclusion of Clara Bow (renowned flapper girl) on the track list, and the way she keeps talking about being grateful fans accept her bending and switching genres over the years and support her when she does “weird” things.

FORMAT (?)

OK this is just me spitballing, but I said awhile back that I am just getting vibes that there may be, like, a story within a story with this. As in, using some fictional settings as an allegory for the story about herself. The example I used then was The Lumineers, and how they wrote their album III about three generations of a fictional family dealing with addiction, which was an allegory for the lead singer’s own family’s experience with it (without directly calling out the family member in question at the time). There were characters in the album, but many of the songs were sung from an “I”/“you” perspective. I may not be explaining myself well, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there are “fictional” stories in that they’re sung about characters (e.g. Clara Bow?), but it will be obvious to fans that she’s using the characters to speak about herself and her experiences. I’m just getting big “storytelling” energy from the hints. Which means I’m totally wrong!!!! Don’t listen to me!!! (I do think there will be some shades of this somehow, though.)

TRACK LIST SPECULATION

Fortnight: Think you are all on the money about it being the time between the start of tour and when Joever happened for good. Sort of a “two years of uncertainty coming to a head in two weeks” thing. Spending two weeks agonizing over what to do. Two weeks for your whole life to blow up. Finally being removed from the situation and grasping onto your dreams that have been on hold for years and realizing your mind’s made up because you won’t give this part of you up even if it means letting go of what you thought your future held. But another thing I’ve thought of: some common wisdom claims it takes two weeks for a new routine to become a habit, so… outside chance it’s like, two weeks go by and you’re finally used to/accepted whatever it is you’re trying to kick? Also had a thought that there could be many two-week periods that can mark your life and give pause. 

The Tortured Poets Department: No idea really lol. For some reason I feel like this is going to be a little more experimental, “laying the groundwork for the defense” type of vibe, kinda like Mastermind, or using the investigative/academic metaphor to delve into it like, Mad Woman or Vigilante Shit. (Or: it could be super petty roasting the infamous group chat lol. In all seriousness though I would doubt that because I feel like this album is very much about Her… unless said group chat was so insufferable she needs to blast it on main.)

My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys: I saw some talk on my dash about this giving renegade themes (you fire off missiles because you hate yourself but don’t you know you’re demolishing me), and I totally thought the same thing. Also those of you who pointed out the parallels to Cardigan are geniuses (when I was an old cardigan under someone’s bed you put me on and said I was your favorite). Again kinda think there might be some more metaphor in this but guessing it may be along the lines of “he’s only doing this because he knows I won’t leave” themes? It instantly gives dark and uneasy. It gives, the people you love are the ones you hurt the most. All signs point to Not Good.

(Or this is about Benji destroying his spin toys or is that just my cat that does that.)

Down Bad: Someone said (on Jaime’s blog I think*) that this is giving False God but icky and I can TOTALLY see that. (Then again I’ve always found False God sad in the sense that it’s like, “even when we fight so bad we can’t communicate we still have the sex holding us together.”) But, Taylor does like to take sayings with common meanings and twist them on their heads, so I also wouldn’t be surprised if “Down Bad,” isn’t referring to being down as in being horny for someone, but being down as in, feeling devastated/hopeless. (Or, even worse, mean both at the same time. 😵‍💫)

(*I wrote this post in February after the announcement, I don’t have a clue when any of this was said anymore sorry)

So Long, London: like a lot of people, I feel like this is her goodbye to the life they had and more importantly/poignantly, the dreams she had of their future. (I don’t know but, “remember looking at this room we loved cause of the light, now I just sit in the dark and wonder if it’s time” just feels like it’d be part of this story.) So because I’ve said that, watch it be an excoriation of London Boy lol. (You know I’m mad at a London Boy / who just really won’t leave Camden / Market in the afternoon / he hasn’t seen my American smile / in two months cause he won’t come to see me / when I have a show to do…) Feel like it’s going to gut us. BUT, also wonder if this is her “I’m getting the fuck out of dodge ROCK FLAG AND EAGLE” anthem haha. (Or: she ran away to London to escape the Bad Stuff but then got stuck in another kind of Bad Stuff living there for so long…)

But Daddy I Love Him: Pretty obviously the Little Mermaid reference. Very curious if the actual quote is in the song, or if it’s just named that to set the scene but the song instead is an expounding on the theme of giving up her voice for the sake of the relationship like Ariel. Also wonder if this is an overtly diaristic song or if she is going to use characters/figures/fiction to expand on the theme subtly, a little like Maisie Peters’ History of Man or Florence & The Machine’s Cassandra or even more pointedly like her own Last Great American Dynasty or The Lucky One. I do assume the overarching theme is going to be the push-pull between keeping her love and giving up things that are important to her to make that love work.  (Watch this be about her arguing with her father about marrying *** lol.)

The theme of giving up your voice/what you hold dear for love is so loaded, and has some parallels to Clara Bow’s story, which is also on the track list so… Lots to chew on I’m sure.

Fresh Out The Slammer: Totally think the reference to her locking herself up for years at home because she was scared in the Time POTY interview is a likely link to this. Feeling free after the weight of this decision is off her shoulders, yet the sheer terror at now being on her own and rebuilding her future. It could be uplifting but I could also see it being like pure chaos. BUT, a thought I had earlier is that, if this is a song that was written pre-Joever, maybe it’s about the aftermath of a rough patch. Like, we just got our get out of jail free cards, we made it through the other side of this Big Thing that almost ended us (e.g. the final blow in YLM), where do we go from here?

Florida!!!: Emphasis on the “!!!”!!! Honestly it had me at FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE. I’m soooooo curious and sooooooooooooo pumped for this one. I don’t want to let myself hope it’s going to sound like a Florence song BUT I HOPE IT SOUNDS LIKE A FLORENCE SONG. I’m going to guess it may be a reference to the first stop on tour after the news broke. Wasn’t that also a show where a ton of things went wrong? I can see it going so many ways! Is it a hopeful “Florida I���m coming for you you’re a symbol of my great escape my prison break my entire life crumbling and rising again”? An introspective “I never thought I’d have to rebuild my whole world after it imploded, in Florida of all places?!”? Is it a sarcastic “fucking Florida always the scene of the crime I can’t believe my life is falling apart and I need to go to FUCKASS FLORIDA oh great every thing that can go wrong with my show is FLORIDA!!!!”? Is it a rant about the corporate mouse? Or a scathing takedown of Republican politics ahead of the 2024 elections? (lol) Who’s to say?!

Guilty as Sin?: Sooooooooooo curious about this. I’m a Carolina Stan and I know there is 0% chance there is a link between the two songs other than the lyric which is a common term, but it does make me happy. My first thought about this one is that it’s going to be biting or self-reflective — kinda like the bridge of Is It Over Now? Or the chorus of Anti-Hero. As in, “what is it exactly that you think I’m guilty of?” (E.g. ambition? Drive? Seeking attention? Being selfish? But could also be sad: Loving too hard? Caring too much? Being too needy? Hmmm.) I’m kind of feeling like it’s a “if it’s wrong to be guilty of these things I don’t want to be right.” Again if I had to guess I’d wonder if it would have the same vibes as the bridge of YLM. (For some reason, with the question mark, I don’t necessarily think it’s going to be accusing someone of something…)* I also had a thought about the seven deadly sins and this title and… THOUGHTS ARE THINKING**.

(*I may not have found it accusatory in February, but with the benefit of hindsight in March I… reserve the right to change my mind about this.)

(**Future Waves here: the thoughts may have been thinking for February Waves but March Waves has no idea what she was talking about.)

Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?: I don’t knooooooooooow. At first the title kinda gave me Blank Space vibes, like, you don’t know how much I could fuck this up if I wanted. Then some people mentioned the similarity to Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? And now that’s absolutely all I can think about. If you’ve ever seen the movie (or the play), it is rooooooooough. Watching George and Martha drunkenly eviscerate each other as their guests watch on in horror is… oof. (As someone who has seen this happen in real life and was trapped on a boat with a couple in full unhinged mode… OOF. Just OOF.) Of course there’s the Burton-Taylor of it all too so… (there’s also an interesting theme in Virginia Woolf about buying into illusion to avoid the messiness of reality… and Martha resenting George’s lack of ambition.) Is this song cheeky? Or a threat? Is this a Better Than Revenge/Vigilante Shit rebuke or is it Bejeweled owning her personhood?

(Like any of these songs, there’s also the chance that it’s heartbreaking and is really a reflection on how the things that make her her can be weaponized against her… Or how her struggles/vices alienate her to the person she loves a la Anti-Hero…)

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can): My first thought is this is going to be one of her sarcastic/satirical/funnier ones, based on nothing except that this sounds like it could be an Olivia Rodrigo cheeky song lol. (Like, I immediately start singing this to the tune of “Get Him Back.”) Never beat those allegations, Taylor, we’ve all been there. It definitely feels like a stereotypical tale of “girl tries to fix a man who doesn’t want to change and refuses to give up.” Watch this actually be a sad ballad about the flip side of renegade and trying to help a partner through a crisis 😬 

loml: the quiet menace in this list!!!! Obviously we’re all immediately thinking “love of my life,” but because this is Taylor, we should not rest easy. The fact that it’s all in small caps is curious to me and calls back to text speak, so is this a term of endearment that turns into a final parting sign off? Is it from an email ahem? Is it a sweet song about the good parts of being together? A wistful song about a lost love? BUT THEN, because it’s Taylor, I can totally see this being a bait and switch and it standing for something else as some of you pointed out, like loss of my life, or love OR my life. Or something entirely different. I’m pretty convinced that this one is going to be devastating in some fashion. I just feel it in my bones.

I Can Do It With a Broken Heart: Like many of you, I’m fairly certain this is going to be a bittersweet Long Live-esque ode to the Eras tour. The pick yourself up by the bootstraps, get out of bed, the show must go on and the show is saving my life story. Just thinking of the quote from the Time POTY interview where she said, “I know I’m going on that stage whether I’m sick, injured, heartbroken, uncomfortable, or stressed.” And in those early weeks, it seems like she might have been all of those things at once. Just trying to talk yourself into getting out of bed when all you want the earth’s core to swallow you whole and never come back. Kind of like, I can pick up the pieces of my life and carry on even when I am dying inside. 

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived: Obviously this is about one Benjamin Button, please. OK, in all seriousness, it’s giving, well… *shots fired*. It’s giving “your integrity makes me seem small.” It’s giving “I’m a monster on the hill, too big to hang out.” It’s giving “all you are is mean.” So, part of me thinks it’s going to be turned on its head a little bit, just because… it seems to point to something directly and sometimes Taylor enjoys a bit of misdirection. So is this about someone who takes shots at someone else and in so doing, displays their own insecurity? Another thought I had is: Is this about someone who retreats into their own world so much that they’ve shut out everything and everyone else? Their whole world gets shrunken down to the four walls around them? I have a strong feeling this is an allegory-type song, using a fictionalized and possibly fantastical story to tell the real life one, but obviously I could be wrong.

The Alchemy: gonna be real with you all: I didn’t know that alchemy was the practice of turning base metals into something that looks like gold. I think I was mixing it up with apothecary or something, lol. I thought it was the practice of making potions and whatnot. #TheMoreYouKnow ANYWAY, I think the idea of “turning nothing into something that shines” is going to be important. Is it about using her best colours for a portrait to hide the cracks underneath? Is it about trying your best to make something work and thrive but ultimately coming up empty because the foundation is gone? Is it about turning these base experiences into art that fuels her? There are so many possibilities! (@taylortruther’s post about The Alchemy and other comments got me thinking too about the magician/illusionist scenario in So It Goes and now my brain is on fire.)

Clara Bow: Soooooooooo intrigued by this one too. People have pointed out so many of the interesting coincidences and parallels in their lives. Clara Bow was a silent film star who found her voice in the talkies — that right there is one metaphor about finding your voice in your art and your life. But it’s also an interesting parallel that she managed to parlay her success in silent film into talkies, at a time where few actors enjoyed a successful transition, which mirrors Taylor’s transition from country to pop. There’s the way Clara’s private life was splashed all over the press, driven by salacious rumours about her sex life and her perceived revolving door of lovers, which seems like something Taylor would empathize with. There’s the way she had a breakdown and left Hollywood, which may have some shades of 2016. Or that she got married and started a family, but insisted on keeping it a secret for many years to maintain privacy, which is interesting because in this case it seems like *Clara* was the one driving the need for secrecy, not her husband. (At least I read that in one article somewhere, sorry if that’s wrong!) Ultimately though, she died relatively young and was forgotten by mainstream Hollywood, a relic of a past uninteresting to all but the most diehard of film buffs. I’m getting vibes of “The Lucky One,”  (and “Nothing New”) both in themes and in storytelling. So, watch it be completely different and not a story about Clara Bow but instead just have it be an off-hand line lol.

BONUS TRACKS

The Manuscript: I’m veeeeeery intrigued by this one. (I know I say that about all of them. That’s because they all intrigue me.) I love the idea that this wraps up the “standard” album; the chair(wo)man of the Tortured Poets Department has submitted her thesis for review, and it’s up to the board to draw their conclusion. OR: the idea that this is the unfiltered submission to a publisher, before the editor’s review that will cut and tighten and ultimately make it better, but loses the author’s initial vision in the process. (Like self-editing to share the most palatable story to your reader. Which… Also gives Dear Reader/Midnights in general vibes.) OR EVEN: this is the author’s story, submitted to the audience for their review, leaving it up to them to draw their conclusions and annotate. There are sooooooo many ways I can see this going. 

The Bolter: A curious one indeed! I feel like of all of the bonus tracks at least, this is the one I have the least idea about. My immediate guess is that it refers to a person who runs, which would have all kinds of implications. Running from the law (unlikely lol), running from commitment, running from conflict… running for your life. Like running from commitment because you’re scared of being tied down (single girl version) to running from commitment because you’re scared of being tied down (bitter wife* version). (*NOT saying there was a secret wedding lol. I mean as in, that’s the future that was in store if one stayed.) I saw other takes saying bolter is also slang for jailer, which is also interesting with the Ready For It of it all. 

The Albatross: So much has been said about this one, so I don’t think I have much to ado about this one! The famous poem is rife with all kinds of allusions: the bird soaring on its own for up to six years, but being brought down by man’s cruelty. The bird looking majestic in the skies, but the burden of its wings dragging it down on land, slowly killing it. The story being a metaphor for how the very thing poets are exalted for in society are the things they are punished for personally. I think it’s safe to say this one is going to hurt regardless, whether it’s a reference to herself, to ***, or something else entirely.

The Black Dog: Also another one I’m not sure I have many thoughts on yet. The black dog being a metaphor for depression is likely the inspiration, and I’m assuming this has the potential to be one of the most vulnerable songs yet. I have a feeling most of this album will be, but the imagery of this — the black dog being a constant companion, wanted or not, casting a pall over its master’s every move — points in a pretty obvious direction. And one that is probably going to gut us.

Well there you have it folks! I am ready to be completely wrong!

[cookietrains]

Killer Klowns Dating Headcanons 

What Dating the Klowns is like (these are just general ideas not exclusive to one Klown):  Reader could be Klown or Human really. Tried to be inclusive to either form of mate in these ^^

-Not one of these Klowns know what personal space is (they were always so close to each other in the movie). So they’re really unapologetically cuddly with their mates everywhere. Expect lots of hand holding, hugs, and other forms of gentle affectionate touches from them. Face Squishies, holding you, they do your hair sometimes. Kisses are big for them! Also, they're not as private as humans are, so they don't really care if other Klowns are around for them to be lovey dovey towards their mates. 

-Klowns will share their food with their mates. They love presenting food to their mates, like little cats presenting dead mice or birds to people that they like. Or they’ll make little cotton candy floats for their mates. If their mate is a human, they’ll try to get their human to at least try their food… but will ultimately understand their mate not wanting to eat their own kind and will make foods more appropriate for them. Probably not well, but it's the thought that counts. If you're a human and you manage to eat their version of food (made with humans), you've FULLY impressed them. Not that they weren't already enamored with you, but they're very appreciative. 

-They also gift their mates with small trinkets and knick knacks that they think their mates would enjoy. Things like stuffed animals or jewelry. 

-Klowns have mates for life BUT also partake in polyamory. They have their small group where they all share their mate. There is no cheating with them (within the group). They're all super lovey dovey to each other/ you. 

-They are all hype men! The little claps they do in the game?  Or the little dance they do during the pizza Klowntality? They do that all the time. 

-If they have a human mate, they’re not all very well versed in “human issues” (mental health issues, major physical illnesses, being generally sick). But they all do their best to help you. Some Klowns know more than others, and they might seek help from one another for specific issues. Expect them to bring you lots of extra food and clothing/ blankets to keep you warm and cuddles.

-If you're feeling down or upset for whatever reason, the Klowns will do their best to cheer you up! Whether that’s doing puppet shows or making you balloon puppets or even just hanging out with you. They're there for you ♡

-They're all super protective of their mates. Doesn’t even matter if they're dating a human or klown. They're generally just more protective of you. The first few weeks/ months of dating, they'll probably be more careful with you, too. 

-The Klowns are goofy, but don’t let that fool you. They are super smart. They use this to their advantage in quickly learning things about their mates. What they like, their mannerisms and quirks, what foods they like. This also means their mate’s quirks might rub off on them. If your leg bounces from nerves a lot, suddenly so does theirs. They might pick up on your quirks and start doing them too without knowing it. 

-The Klowns love date nights with their mates. Their top suggestions for date night are amusement parks, circus trips, and hanging out with Klown friends (they host killer comedy shows, lol). If their mate wants to do anything specific, they’re totally up for doing anything you want to do. Bringing them to spooky places would definitely be a fun time, too! 

-As a Klown’s mate, you have to be tolerant of scary stuff. They love striking fear into their victims and for each other (for fun) Being creepy lil guys is their thing. 

-It’s an act dying out with the newer generation of Klowns, but Klowns perform mating rituals. All the Klowns in the film are within the age range where they would still do the rituals! These rituals include making their interests laugh, Gift Giving to the interest (this includes bringing them food or hunting for them), and adding color to their wardrobe they think would attract their future mate. Some Klowns might add singing and dancing to their rituals, but it’s not mandatory. 

-Klowns have weddings, too! Also not mandatory, but for those who are more grandiose in personality or even higher ranked Klowns (Jojo would probably be more inclined to have a wedding with his mate). These weddings are not serious like human weddings. It’s just a lot of fun, games and laughs. Some of them even take place in a HUGE bouncy house or fun house. One of the wedding rituals includes draping each other in decorative party favors (they have party strands, glitter, and confetti all over themselves). This is to signify that they've basically marked each other as mates. And of course, they have rings (All Klowns do the ring thing) 

-All Klowns mate for life. So if they're mates with a human and the human becomes sickly and dies, they have funeral rituals. The friends and family of the Klown who lost their mate will gather around and pull party poppers to replicate how they die. This is a newer tradition that was introduced as dating humans in general is a newer idea to them. The older Klowns or more highly ranked Klowns might opt for a confetti cannon instead and might be more prone to wanting to be alone during their grieving period.

-Kind of like Top of the World in the movie, Klowns have a special spot on their planet they take their mates. It's not on top of a hill, but it's something similar. And instead of a make-out spot, it's more of a special spot that klowns propose to their partners. They also might skip this location in favor of taking their mates hunting with them on other planets, insisting it's a good time. 

-Just going off their outfit changes in the game - Some Klowns really get dapper for their mates. If it's a special occasion, they like to wear groovy outfits. The goofier, the better

-I feel like all klowns would be as… lustful as the female klowns from the film. If they find someone they see as attractive, they're gonna be all over them. They might rip clothes and leave kissey marks all over them, too. Honeymoons for Klowns are insane. 

-There is no body shaming with Klowns :3c they love you for who you are, whether that's your creativity, your boldness, or your character in general. You're perfect to them ♡ 

‼️Nsfw: ‼️(I'm not gonna spend too much time here, but I do have some thoughts) 18+ only, please 

-Right off the bat, Klown cum is yellow and shimmery. It starts out as a Slime texture (super hard to grasp and almost like it's water but not quite..?) but as the days go by it forms into popcorn kernels. Depending on their situation, Klowns can either have one or two kids or they can have 10-20. More experienced Klown couples make babies soley for invasion trips. 

-The above was more for Klown mates, for human mates their cum forms into a regular child (with some Klown attributes) It's a bit harder for Klowns and humans to reproduce, but not impossible! 

-All of them are naturally aggressive during mating in some form. They can pull it back with human mates, but you can still expect to be pretty tattered by the end of it. Ripped clothing, biting, scratching. 

-They involve party supplies in their mating rituals. So it's just all a big mess, but to them, that's a good thing.

[meanbossart]

i’m so intrigued by grodderick, do you have any information on him you’d like to share?

Ohhh I'm so glad to hear that because I fucking love Grodderick LOL here's some character fun-facts!

He's about 6'8" or 6'9", making him the only character that's taller than DU drow so far in A Novel Experience (if you don't count Do'zynge because he's cheating)

He's in his early thirties.

He stopped drinking about 4 years ago and now only enjoys a little devilweed here and there, maybe a cigar whenever Nathanya gifts him a box.

Speaking of which, he has a bit of an infatuation with Nathanya but has basically zero hopes of it ever going anywhere.

He's a follower of Ilmater, though believes in a quiet form of worship and so doesn't really mix in with the church.

He tries very hard to divorce himself from half-orc culture.

He's fluent in Elvish and tries to maintain the accent in common for reasons that relate to the fact above.

Because of his history, he's a pretty non-judgemental guy and lets people make their intentions known before making assumptions based on race, that said, that doesn't mean he won't poke a little harmless fun at you or exercise basic common sense, for that matter.

Similarly, he has a high tolerance for people giving him crap based on his own race and history, as long as they don't mind having it flung back at them. In fact, he generally prefers the company of people who speak their mind bluntly.

The tattoo across his throat spells out SLAUGH, which means ‘mud wallowing dogs" and his basically an orc slur (got that in jail LOL). The one on his stomach says "TALIBUND'. He also has the Ilmater symbol on the side of his neck.

Aaaaand backstory dump below because I felt like it:

Grod (as his buddies call him) was raised by a human mother who lived as a recluse, being that she was largely ostracized for getting together and having a kid with a half-orc, who eventually left her to raise Grodderick on her own. This instilled a lot of guilt in Grod as he grew up and he took off of his own at around age 14, basically going no-contact with his mother for several years before they reconnected and began sending letters back and forth. At that point in his life, Grodderick made a pretty seedy living within the underground-market and as very effective debt collector.

His mother made a point to raise him to be pretty well educated, so he stood out as having a good mind for business and strategy among his peers ( and especially among other humanoid races who often expected less of his intellect) and made a relatively comfortable living. He sent a lot of the money he made back to his mother, and the rest of it he spent on passing pleasures like drink and gambling. He was good friends with a few other half-orc and had a couple of short-lived relationships, which usually ended with the other person being frustrated with his choice in career and leaving, since he had no desire to be romantically involved with anyone in his circles and his partners were often kept in the dark about what he got up to.

After several years of this, his mother at some point stops answering his letters, and upon returning home to find out why, he learns she has passed away and left him basically all of the cash he ever sent so he had something to fall onto of when he inevitably decided to pursue a different kind of life. Grodderick took this money, severed most of his past ties and spend a little while traveling until he ends up in Pran, where Nathanya hires him as muscle, and eventually begins to rely on Grod for all sorts of work after having taken a liking to him.

[ju-vondy]

Jason's past info reveal on EP. Five X My own thoughts...

After playing the latest episode of MCL New Gen I had to do this post because when Jason told us about his father I almost fell of my chair screaming "OMG I WAS RIGHT???!!!!!" For those who didn't play the episode 5 yet: 🚨⚠️spoilers 🚨⚠️

So... I had this feeling that Beemoov was going to introduce a family drama for Jason, particularly involving his father, to justify his poor behavior, ya know? Like...: the typical story where the teenager loses his father, faces family problems and ends up becoming bitter and tough because of it. The whole "family is a mess" narrative LOL (I honestly hate that concept of "You can heal she/he" thing that usually come together with this kinda plot, that's why even though I made a difficult past for Jason in my fic, he secretly goes into therapy often... so Candy won't need to worry about being a damn "healer" for him 😂)

In fact, I even considered killing his father when Jason was a teenager in my fanfic because I was so sure his dad was dead. But then I thought, "No... Beemoov wouldn't use that cliché of the man who lost his father too soon and had to take on family responsibilities at 18, right? What a drama!"

So, today I'm here to justify the plot I thought about to you: I didn't kill off Jason's father in my fanfic because in my mind it would be too obvious and cliché. Instead, I wanted to explore a different angle that still included family issues and could add depth into Jason's character. But then... I realized that my own story also ended up being quite dramatic LMAO 🤣😅🤐

The way I created Jason's family tragedy, I know it got intense, and sometimes I feel like such a villain for it (~crying in author language~). For a kid, it must be very though waking up from an accident and listening "So... Your father is in a coma. We don't know if he'll wake up or no. He can live but he can also die suddenly, be prepared." And then you wake up everyday hoping your father will wake up but he didn't and you get nothing instead of a fake hope that the next day will be different... You are unsure if he's going to live or die. You didn't lost the person, but you lost its presence, voice, bad jokes, caring, etc. However, you still don't want to lose hope. So, for Jason kid it was like "I'll do my best everyday so when papa wakes up he'll be proud of me :D"

I decided to put Jason's father (I named him as Gregory) through a coma when Jason was a kid for two main reasons: 1) Give Jason a motivation and 2) don't make him deal with "taking care family matters out of the blue" once he was too young.

> That leads to his uncle (named Viktor) accompanying Jason's growth and teaching him everything about the family business, being a leader and etc. Of course Viktor had an aggressive method once Jason father's part of the family is crap and cruel (as I shared on this post).

Despite growing up with his uncle filling his head with nonsense about love being a weakness and such things, young Jason didn't want to be bitter and iced-heart like that. (Yep, he was a hectic kid but that doesn't mean he was evil, he just liked to have fun messing around.) He remembered his father being kind and gentle, almost as if he wanted to break the tough mold of the family. But later Jason faced many disappointments because, being from a wealthy family, (BTW, I got kinda sad when Jason said they were not rich in the EP 5, but now that's done and I don't regret describing his family the way I did once we didn't have any information hehehe) many people around them were fake. He also suffered bullying for being skinny, so... All of those bad things led him to think around the age of 16-17: "Well, there's no other way. When I'm not at home I'll have to put on this mask that my uncle taught me so others won't walk all over me."

However, internally Jason still held hope that Gregory would wake up someday and... Within his good heart, there was the desire of wanting to make his dad proud ~if he woke up~ Jason had as a kid > it still remained there in his mind, so he gave his best effort in everything they put he to do back that time. But at a certain point there was so much pressure on the poor boy that he ended up having a breakdown. 'Do this' 'Don't do that' 'Be perfect' 'Get good grades' 'Blah blah blah'... At the age of 18-19 Jason found himself having like those "I'VE HAD ENOUGH!" moments of life LOL 🤣 He never really liked everything the Mendal stood for, anyway. He always found it a drag to attend luxury dinners, close deals and pretend to be someone he wasn't… Jason ended up becoming a rebellious young-adult despite being studious and dedicated to his goals.

And then things got worse when Jason was near his 20-21 years old: his father sadly woke up in a minimally conscious state. (So: today his father is not dead, but he's not "living" as well. You know? When someone is awake but can't talk, move, etc. sometimes the person can exhibit limited and inconsistent responses to external stimuli, but that's all.) I think that was the "breaking point". Jason got deeply disappointed: He felt like everything he had done in his entire life was for nothing. As a result, the dark-haired began to exhibit dysfunctional behavior, skipping work at the family company, arriving late etc, etc. Viktor took advantage of this moment of weakness and convinced the board/the general council that Jason became irresponsible, went off the rail and therefore was unfit for any leadership position and would never be good enough to take the vice president or president's company role. That made our hated beloved protagonist really angry, it felt like a big betrayal for him. Following that, in a fit of impulsivity, Jason had those moments of "'Fuck you guys. I don't need you idiots. My family sucks and I'll prove them that I can make it on my own without using my father's name.' And that's why he resigned from his position and began working on something else, which would later culminate in the founding of Goldreamz. (Fortunately, this was the moment he decided to start seeing a therapist again, for our sake's.)

Well... I gave you too many spoilers of the fic already, so, basically: Jason’s past sucks and his journey in my point of view is intertwined with themes of redemption, ambition, growing and a desire to protect those he cares about besides his own heart ~which he chooses to not open up with random people. He's not an asshole/jerk, but he decides consciously to behave as if he is one because a bunch of internal reasons. (His therapist is still trying to work on that btw 👀) Jason only shows his truly self when he with his mom, brother, close friends and some of his mother's relatives. (And hopefully, near Candy... As time goes by and they fall for each other) Selective behavior, ya know? It is common for people undergoing therapy to selectively share their true feelings and thoughts with a trusted inner circle, while emotionally protecting themselves from others. Besides, we must remember that therapy is a long and sometimes non-linear process: Jason may resist complete changes, preferring to maintain a protective behavior while slowly working on his internal issues. Jason does not intend to change it, actually. He's happy with only the people he cares about knowing who he truly is... He's like: "bitch, I don't care" about the others. 😅😆

With all of that said: I can’t wait to delve deeper into Jason's motivations in my upcoming chapters, exploring the intricate web of personal and professional stakes that drive Jason’s actions. 🤭 Stay tuned for more revelations and twists 🤪

If you’ve been following my fanfic, let me know your thoughts on Jason’s development and how you think his backstory ties into the larger narrative. And if you’re just catching up on the game itself (MCL New Gen), what do you think of the latest episode? Let’s discuss!

If you're not following my fanfic, I recommend you read this post first 😅 Thank you all for supporting my work and crazy ideas 💖

[danse--macabre]

jaheira/astarion headcanons:

he constantly flirts (which is par for the course for astarion), as early as the end of Act 2, but it is just so ineffective. so ineffective. your lies mean nothing pretty boy!

jaheira enjoys rebuffing this and coming up with creative ways to tell him his lines do nothing, lol.

he also constantly winds her up as well. will joke about her being a bare-foot hippie for simply being a druid. has called her 'the great jaheira' and 'the high harper' before ('and what does the high harper think?'), just to annoy. attention-seeking behaviour!

this is admittedly something jaheira will also do. loves to rib him for complaining about the damp, the wet, the cold, the mud, nature in general, walking too much, carrying too much, etc. will call him a soft little baby and an aged old man at the same time.

they are a bickering couple

the fact that astarion couldn't give a shit about nature while jaheira is literally a druid is a running joke and theme when it comes to dunking on each other tbh.

another related running theme: when they finally do hit it off, it's a running joke they never actually have sex in a bed. at camp, in a field, in the dirt, on the floor or against the wall in an abandoned building - but almost never in a bed. (real reason: I did not realise you could rent the elfsong out, sorry. but also astarion does complain about this of course.)

astarion LOVES to try and get jaheira to talk shit. she presents herself as somewhat above it, but jaheira is probably partial some gossip and I think a habit that does begin in the early stages is they will share a bottle of wine and they will start being old judgy queens together

'you're becoming a bad influence,' she'll say, wrinkling her nose, hitting him lightly on the shoulder. 'Was I not already?' She rolls her eyes, walks away. 'All the best things are, darling!' he'll call out, with a cackle, as she walks away.

when jaheira actually turns and gives astarion a genuine and sincere compliment... critical hit, maximum damage, hits the fucking bullseye.

other ways of critically hitting: any gentle caress to his face after a genuine compliment.

lots of genuine arguments as well about adventuring choices. I think one thing that does draw me is that yes, astarion does have people pleasing tendencies but he does tend to be quite vocal about his opinion. I'm fairly sure he and jaheira will clash often BEFORE he becomes super drawn into any kind of romance arc & I think in some ways that's fairly good for him.

astarion thinks the fact that she can turn into a panther and just tear into something is the hottest thing and quite frankly I think he was interested as soon as he saw her do this in the moonrise towers fight.

on jaheira's end... quite frankly if he wasn't a vampire and if they didn't have a job to do she would have just bedded him sooner, he's easy on the eyes and good fun, so why not? It does hit her in the middle of their flirting period that in another universe she wouldn't have hesitated.

when they do hook up jaheira tries to keep it a secret / on the down-low. this lasts about five days LOL.

it's not actually astarion's fault - he can be discreet and respects her wishes - it's just this camp is full of gossip mongers and lae'zel has bat ears. within five days everyone Knows.

at least one person (probably wyll, since he's fairly insightful) thought they'd been hooking up since they hit rivington.

jaheira doesn't realise astarion is slightly older than her until she tries calling him cub.

he laughs her off as a flatterer. she's confused, he tells her to just go on and guess his age. she thinks he's 120 years old.

'Add another century to that darling and you're almost there'. Cue jaheira being slightly stunned and astarion absolutely revelling in it.

I think she will still sometimes refer to him / treat him as if he is younger and he to her as if she is older though. It becomes a running inside joke.

biting: very much off the table when they do finally hook up.

(this does not stop astarion brushing his fangs against her skin to tease her when they hook up. 'Careful. No biting.' 'Oh, I wouldn't dare').

the fact that he is a vampire actually is one of jaheira's concerns and a small point of contention. jaheira has an interesting banter where she explains about a time she killed a spawn quite dramatically - while she's not a 'kill on sight' reckless moralist, she's got no great love for the creatures, and as much as she does come to enjoy the banter and the company, it's tinged with wariness in the first half of Act 3, because Jaheira is slow to trust and quick to suspect

the first bite happens well after cazador is dealt with. honestly I can see it happening on the eve of the final battle. because of jaheira's initial wariness, it becomes a real moment of intimacy and trust. she lets him drink from the arm, rather than the neck, just to maintain more control, has healing and resurrection scrolls prepared (she does not tell him this because she doesn't want to freak him out), etc. But he's able to stop when she asks. After it's over there is a very warm moment, after astarion gives her his sincere, genuine thanks, of her cradling his face and calling him a messy eater (lol)

speaking of Cazador, that's... honestly, it's a Lot given they're having a 'light & breezy' romance and they're still in the casual dalliance stages, have only just started hooking up if at all. jaheira ends up learning about some of the horrific trauma through seeing rather than Astarion telling and I think it'd be a bit mortifying if he weren't so singularly focussed on the goal.

I think Jaheira offers to share a bottle of wine with him the night after. I think he takes up her offer and it's a mix of talking about what happened in his own words (Astarion is actually fairly direct when it comes to talking about traumatic incidents) and also talking about something completely different when it gets too much.

Things definitely do ramp up in the final stretch / final few days before the Battle with the Elder Brain. Lots of post-battle shenanigans with some honest and quite raw moments? It's one of the most intense points of their fling (which increasingly feels NOT like a fling).

But I think Jaheira instinctively draws back after the final battle and tries to walk back some of the intensity and intimacy that developed due to 'it might be our last chance', due to some ingrained fears of intimacy and loss + trying to rationalise it as an impulsive, heat-of-the-moment thing + an expectation that Astarion would just move on anyway (false).

Astarion goes off to become a hero in the spawn ending. He does often return to the gate and they always arrange to meet for a drink. There's a lot of catching up, chatting shit, but also Jaheira increasingly turns to him for advice and to get his perspective on an issue. I think she trusts his viewpoint and when she can get in her head about not being able to save everything or everyone, or a hard choice she has to make, he'll often just go, somewhat bluntly, 'well you did the important thing, didn't you?' and put things in perspective. You killed the bad guy, you stopped the plot, you saved that woman's life. Trust yourself more. (He'll attempt to walk this back with a joke about how he's still a libertine scoundrel; Jaheira will laugh him off)

'You work too hard' is a common complaint of Astarion's. He's right. Jaheira always appreciates hearing it.

I think it's here we might also get touches of Astarion's 'I want to be close without having sex' we see in Act 2. I think there's at least on occasion where they initiate sex, he backs out, she's supportive and they end up cuddling.

Something Jaheira discovers way too late, following the events of the game: he's damned good at giving a massage. 'You didn't think to tell me this while we were sleeping in the dirt?' (Response is something like: 'Oh Jaheira, you wish you'd used me more for my body? My my.')

As said before, the 'I actually have sincere feelings for you' confession comes unexpectedly during the epilogue party, astarion impulsively ends up telling her. Jaheira... has to suddenly deal with the distance she put up like a wall coming crashing down because Astarion is impulsive and bad at holding things in

I think in an interesting mirror to Astarion's request to go slow with sex, Jaheira says she'll need to go slow with intimacy and romance. It's been a while (more than long enough), but she's not really had anything serious since her husband died.

I think as a compromise they maintain long distance for a bit, Astarion continues to adventure, but he'll visit with increasing frequency and for increasingly long periods. Jaheira will, after a while, insist he stay with her and not just in a tavern, and this gradually morphs into him spending months at a time in Baldur's Gate before a lead will pull him in another direction.

Which I think is good for them both. I think Astarion does well from a chance to just develop an identity for himself without being 'a partner' and grow on his own through adventuring. I think it also helps things develop at a pace Jaheira's comfortable with and means Jaheira can set some very concrete boundaries.

As things become serious and Astarion just drops the mask, they're very much 'fondly rib each other in public whenever one of them is even a displays affection, but deeply soft and sweet with each other in private'

Takes them a long while to say anything like 'I love you'.

Personally I can see them doing it after the other gets injured in battle. Berating them for being reckless and then telling them they love them, they're terrified, etc. Quite frankly I can see this happening to them both, but given Jaheira has lost a love before... more meaningful from her mouth.

Astarion is nothing like Khalid and Jaheira is very thankful for this. He's a different thing entirely, but it's not any kind of lesser love either.

[tinyinvadr]

Psychonauts brainrot is in full force! I finished the first game recently and I’m probably gonna start the second one tonight! So, here’s a new fic, (with an OC this time, ooh) let’s see if I finish it lol

Psychoborrower

Prologue

Psychics. Seemingly ordinary people with extraordinary powers, hidden in plain sight. Masters of the mind. You’d think they’d be regarded with only the highest of respect.

But instead, they’re shunned. Cast away. Treated like freaks and monsters for their gifts. It’s the kind of treatment that fosters resentment. Rage. Hatred.

The only way to truly make it is to earn a place in the ranks among the Psychonauts. But even then, only a select few can achieve that. Those who fail are forced back into their everyday lives, where they will have to hide who they truly are, or risk facing an even worse fate.

Though, they’re still better off than me.

At least they have a world to go back to, even if it’s cold and unwelcoming. They still have options open to them, they can still attempt to find happiness in a mundane, ordinary life. Because at the end of the day, psychics are human.

Except for me.

My name is Flint, and as far as I know, I’m the only borrower with psychic powers. To be honest, I have no idea how rare that actually is, since borrowers typically don’t see each other on a regular basis. I can only assume it’s not common, considering how my parents reacted when they found out.

I was only five years old, and they were… horrified.

I had no idea I was different. I just assumed everyone could levitate. But when they walked in on me floating in my room… I’ll never forget the look in their eyes.

The fear and shame directed towards me by my own parents was enough to break my concentration, and I fell flat on my face.

For some time, I stopped using my powers. After all, it was a “bad, dangerous thing”, as Dad described it. But there were some things I just couldn’t help.

I could read minds. And not just my parents, our human hosts too. They had a kid around my age who was also psychic, although they were a lot more supportive of her. They actively helped her learn to control her powers, and didn’t even get mad when she accidentally broke stuff.

Every day, I would watch and listen as she progressed, wishing it was me. But as time went on, I became a rebellious little nine year-old. I started copying her from my place within the walls, always making sure to stay hidden. And I’ve gotta say, I got pretty good all things considered.

Then, one day, the time came for my training to pay off.

Mom and I were out in the garden, collecting fresh vegetables. She had her back turned, but I saw the rabbit just in time.

The beady-eyed demon charged at us. We were in its territory, and it did not intend to share. Thinking fast, I knocked it back with a psychic blast. Stunned and startled, the beast ran away.

In those few short seconds, I felt like a hero. But then, I turned to Mom, and saw that same look in her eyes that almost turned me off from my powers for good.

“Flint… what have you done?”

I got grounded that night, and I was enraged. I saved her, why was she mad at me?

It wasn’t until the next morning that I learned the reason.

Apparently, I hit the rabbit harder than I thought, and it took severe psychic damage. Not enough to kill it, but enough to leave it in an unconscious state. So when the humans went into the garden and found the rabbit, they immediately knew it was knocked out by a psychic blast. And since their daughter was at school the day before, they knew that there had to be another psychic in the area.

I alerted them of my existence. Of our existence. If they found us, it would’ve been my fault.

Mom and Dad started packing up to move right away. We couldn’t stick around long after that incident. But the entire time, I couldn’t help but think that this wouldn’t solve the problem. Even if we moved to a new house, that wouldn’t stop me from being psychic. My only options were to suppress my true nature, or to continue to put my family at risk.

As the last of our belongings were packed, and the school year came to an end, I overheard more from the humans. They were sending their daughter to a psychic summer camp. It was a place for kids to train, to connect with others, and eventually, have the potential to become Psychonauts.

So much of what I’d heard from their thoughts about the Psychonauts intrigued me. They were psychics who went on daring and dangerous missions to save the world from all sorts of threats. They could astral project themselves into the psyches of anyone, and fight their inner demons head-on. And in the mental world, the possibilities are endless. If I could just access it, I wouldn’t have to be a weak, scared little borrower kid anymore. I could be whoever I wanted to be.

And that… was my only chance at redemption.

I felt bad leaving my parents so abruptly, but I knew they would try to stop me if I told them where I was going. It would hurt, but I’d come back as a Psychonaut, proving that my powers truly are good for something, and that borrowers have a place in this world.

With that goal in mind, I stowed away in the girl’s luggage, and I was off to Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp.

It took a few tries to get my astral projection right, but soon enough, I was able to present myself in the mental world at human size. The counselors and the other campers had no clue I was any different.

Of course, the staff did question me. I appeared out of nowhere, seemed to have no family they could get in contact with, and refused to show myself in the physical world.

I told them I’m a master of invisibility, and I take that title very seriously. Coach Oleander and Agent Nein just shrugged it off as me being a weird kid, though Agent Vodello was still very concerned about my lack of parents.

By the end of the first summer, they all gave up on trying to figure me out and just accepted that I was living at the camp with the intention of training there full-time.

Despite all the risks and doubts that I had, going to camp really was my best possible option. I was no longer a danger to my family, and I was on my way to becoming a Psychonaut. It was sure to be a long road ahead. I was so young, and still had a lot to learn.

After a few years, it really felt like I was getting close. I had a reputation around camp as the top student. Serious. Driven. Someone you should aspire to be. I could sense that my chance was right within my reach. I was almost 13, surely they’d have to let me join the Psychonauts soon.

But that summer had other plans. I found myself involved with an insane scheme, and as much as I hate to admit it, I probably wouldn’t have gotten out of it without help from a human kid with goggles.

[gok1bvri72]

I adore Len and Rin! I have been trying my hand in x readers lately by making a load of Lyney x Reader so why not make some nostalgic (for me at least) Len x Reader🤔? As cringe as it may sound I've been reading all the fics left over by the fandom of old since I was 10 I'm so obsessed with Len>< So I pretty much have a headcanon for everything under the sun about him! So this mini thing will be a breeze:>

Len is a very cautious lover.

Used to all the memes and hate he used to regularly get back when the Vocaloid fandom was rampant; he is very hesitant with just about everything he does lest it become yet another meme and another reason to make fun of him.

As you can guess this leads to major anxiety and constantly feeling like he has done something wrong.

Please don't let him feel this way.

This being said, he is great at recognizing panic/anxiety attacks long before they happen.

He has a tendency to memorize what triggers them and avoids those places/topics entirely.

It's almost like he was built to be some form of anxiety relief android. Maybe he has some beta coding for future therapy androids?

Either way despite his physical age and mindset his is incredibly observant and can read a person pretty well.

He has a tendency to make assumptions though.

Brush his hair and don't tell him he needs to whack his ponytail off.

He'll love you.

Maybe he will let you braid it if you ask nicely.

He owns a saluki named Happy. No questions asked.

No he does not co-own her with Rin. Happy is *his* dog and neither him or the dog will accept otherwise.

If his dog approves of you 9 times outta 10 he will too.

He also likes cats, he and Rin are just allergic.

If you're someone like me and covered in cat hair 24/7, he will sneeze around you all the time.

It's cute though.

Len sneezes are adorable.

He is bad at english/kanji class please help him.

That being said he is a math wizard.

If you're like me and suck at math he can help you don't need to worry.

He would probably just do your homework for you if you ask.

Which is why you shouldn't.

Len has a problem with doing things for others so he'll do just about anything (within reason) for you if he loves you enough.

We already know he would die for his sister if I had to guess he would die for you too if you won him over.

He will take his hoodie off for you and let you wear it. He never takes his hoodies off.

Please please protect him.

Him is verr ee wholesome.

Len has some serious self doubt issues (as I mentioned earlier) so remind him that he *is* talented and that his sister isn't any better than he is.

I mentioned earlier he is good at recognising the signs of a panic attack and I think he is just as prepared to handle them as he is good at sensing them.

If you need words of comfort he can provide you with those but if you just want him to hold you while you cry he can do that too.

He actually prefers the latter because he is afraid he may say something wrong.

He has attachment issues and separation anxiety.

To certain extent he has separation anxiety with his sister and dog but it's not as bad as it is with you.

He gets so nervous and scared. He doesn't like being without you.

He is also super attached to you because you aren't mean to him.

That's probably one of the big reasons he loves you so much; you treat him like a person.

Len gets angry when people say he is a little gay twink.

He likes girls too!

He thinks no matter what's in your pants if your beautiful and kind you are beautiful and kind>:[

Please play minecraft and animal crossing with him♡♡♡

He is often littered with band-aids for no reason. He thinks they look cool lol.

Big cuddler!

Winter and autumn are his favourite seasons because he can cuddle with you in bed and wear layers:)

He has *so* many blankets and he shares all of them with you!

Doesn't mind if you fart in the bed. Doesn't run away squealing in disgust like his sister. Literally could not care less it's no different from a sneeze to him. True manliness right there.

Apple cider is his favourite!

He loves the smell so much his room has diffusers everywhere in it and they all have the scent:)

He also has his windows open a lot of the time!

So it smells like that windy-open-window-bedroom *and* apple cider!

If you open his door without expecting it, it's like being hit in the face with essence of bard. (If you get it you get it.)

Hates anything to do with zombies. They trigger panic attacks in him because he knows he would survive because he is an android but he wouldn't know how to keep you and your loved ones safe.

Not knowing what to do in certain situations enduces anixety and panic attacks in him whether it be an on the spot question from a teacher or just thinking about a situation like such his room.

He cries a lot.

I mean he is adorable and it's impossible to not find him cute when he does cry but he has one of those crying faces that makes you just feel so much guilt and a need to protect him.

Smooch his cheeks when he cries, if you do it enough he cries a little less.

Don't make him bottle up his emotions though, but also help him to stop crying because it's not very good for his eye cameras.

His eyes can glow in the dark by the way.

Every android's can.

But his are so pretty! When they glow they are a bright, electric blue that fades into a slightly deeper shade and they are *so*, SO sparkly!!

Make sure to tell him his sparkle eyes are beautiful✨✨

He has a lot of plushies.

He likes Journey to the West and is a Sun Wukong enthusiast!

He really likes Dragon Ball so he wanted to know about the design origins of Goku and you get the picture.

He doesn't quite understand all the symbolism in JTTW but he still enjoys it regardless because MONKEY KING SMASH!!!

Has a lanyard that he really likes and doesn't take off often.

He has a Vocaloid tomogatchi and the little character in it is the same Rin he has had since he first got it back when they were released.

He can't let his sister die on him!

His sister has one with him in it that she takes just as good care of♡

They may argue all the time but they really do love eachother!

Len and Rin are you best friends and Len is the best, most accommodating boyfriend you could ever ask for so please treasure him and his sister you lucky you!

Handle with care U^U

[atopvisenyashill]

idk if i’ll get the graphic done for hhm but my “the starklings’ third eyes start opening sooner” and “what if ned actually prepared before going south” au is like.

Samaira Hightower’s daughter tries to kill herself & only succeeds in giving herself visions that make her too afraid to speak (hashtag tism swag). Samaira spends a year by her daughter’s side nursing her back to health & worrying over whether her VERY distant cousin Leyton will kick her out. She has three suitors all falling over themselves to be the dad that stepped up but she doesn’t want to remarry yet, her husband JUST died. One of them, Humphrey Hightower, wonders if Freya is actually comprehending the books she’s reading & suggests they take a trip to Highgarden, because Freya seemed interested in the actual castle. Turns out not only is Freya actually reading & comprehending, but she’s like really interested in architecture. So Humphrey, a younger son with a lot of time on his hands is like well. Maybe a change of scenery will cure her so they start traveling.

By the time they get to Winterfell, it’s been about two years since the suicide attempt. Samaira shows up with a bunch of foreigners, her disabled daughter, and one (1) Hightower and NedCat are like “i guess?” because they’re nice people but like, who willingly comes to Winterfell with their disabled child lol. Except Freya DOES start to get better and Catelyn and Samaira get along very well, and the thing is, Winterfell is like fluuuush with coin rn because Catelyn never brought a household North so she tells Ned she wants to keep the Essosi nobles. THE THING IS. Freya is between Sansa & Arya’s ages - aka perfectly within reason as a match for Robb. It’s not to say this is a match anyone is making but it IS to say that every Northern lord with a maiden daughter goes “well if Catelyn is asking” (she’s not) and Ned can’t say no without looking rude. Hoster offers for Catekyn to take the household she was meant to take, and next thing Ned knows there are soooo many people living in house.

While the adults are all doing whatever, the kids figure out quickly there’s something off about Freya. Luwin is insistent that she’s just a simple minded girl & they should be nice to her but they all know she’s very aware and also kind of a rascal lowkey. Robb is convinced her “accident” gave her magical powers but neither Jon nor Theon will back him up on this so he just keeps casually trying to ask about stories that are similar - but Meera Reed came North with Jojen so Meera is like “oh yeah that happens all the time” and that’s how Robb gets magicpilled. The thing is, he can’t get ANYONE to bite until the direwolves show up - and THEN everyone’s like “okay maybe-“ but Robb is already screaming about how Jon & Theon are terrible horrible people and they should never doubt him ever not one time ever again.

[anomymoussoapbar]

hey, I saw one of your posts and your account and said you wanted to learn more about proship, right? (Sorry I can be a lil overthinker at times) I can explain my own causes if that can help you learn another perspective. THIS IS GONNA BE LONG SO PLEASE BE PATIENT.

First off, I am mostly a darkshipper! darkshippers ship the illegal stuff, like incest and you know all that. I am myself a darkshipper mostly. I ship things like "stalker x victim", "yand3re", "obsessive dynamics" and all that stuff similar. I DONT ship the illegal incest/ age gaps but Instead I prefer to go with the illegal toxic dynamics!

Now as to WHY I am a darkshipper and why I use this KIND OF FICTION to 'cope' comes from a past experience of mine. Not gonna go into detail, but I used to be very obsessive and have unhealthy attachments! They weren't good at all! I even had harmful intrusive thoughts because I would get jealous and live In a constant fantasy of "yandere wannabe" (Lol- I was 11 at that time ok💀) Which almost led me to end up harming others irl! (Hopefully I never did) and Now, I am out of that phase, I went to therapy for a while but then my mom got me outta there for idk why, which is why after i finished therapy, I wanted to manage my same intruisve thoughts and urges as much as i could! which is what led me to discover proshipping! (Or darkshipping specifically)

I project myself onto my dynamics and characters, so i can relieve myself when im feeling stressed or have a strong urge to go back to that horrible phase of my life and not care about anything else (to be short, i am impulsive. Also, ive also tried things like writing and drawing but they dont help as much)

Shipping these kind of fucked up dynamics GENIUNELY GENIUNELY helped me figure out the severity of it and gave me more control and the common sense to not do those things irl. Since I am now taking out the intrusive and impulsiveness outta me in fiction and not real life, I am not harming anyone! Nor do I truly wish to. My preteen years were f'ed up but I am better now and darkshipping has helped me through that. I don't condone abuse nor toxicity irl, and I NEVER WILL, since I am now aware of how grave the situations are if you take it out of fiction and put it in a real life setting.

The main reason for darkshipping is to relieve myself in fiction without worry I am harming others (because it's fiction) whlist knowing the severity of the ships if they were in in real life. As a proshipper (someone who's anti-harassment and supports problematic media, pairings, or are laid-back about it), most of us go by this saying: "ship and let ship". Also, we KNOW fiction AFFECTS reality, it can and it will, but not on a 1:1 scale (meaning it only affects reality when the shipper doesn't have the common sense to differentiate the two or if it's a kid, who's brain hasn't developed yet)

I WILL always keep my ships in fiction, and I am no longer feeling as impulsive as I did all those years ago, because darkshipping for some reason helped me figure out a way, which was projecting onto characters as well as exploring dark dynamics for fun!

Each Proshippers/darkshippers/comshipper's stories are a reason for who they are now. We don't go around and go committing those things we ship irl because it's very wrong to do so. As someone who almost attempted horrible things irl at such young age like 11, I myself now have the common sense and the control within myself now that I'm a little more grown up. Now i am older, I know have the care and healthy attachment to keep friendships and hang out with others, be more self-controlling and of course, more understanding of myself and others.

PLEASE PLEASE take care of yourself, if anything bothers you distance yourself from it, drink plenty of water and go for a walk or do your fav hobby, anything when you're feeling a little down ❤️ I'm GLAD I could talk to someone about this! So sorry if it was very long but I hoped this helped with your perspective. You're loved and you're very amazing, I love your account, and I'm willing to share more some other time. Bye👋

Hello :*)

Thank you so much for sharing your reasoning. I love how you found yourself a healthy way to vent out feelings and express them in ways that you can realize how realistically would be harmful. Interesting how darkshipping is actually quite common now that you defined it.

Killers/stalkers/kidnappers x victims are a common trope people love and the complexity of it is something I see everywhere. Even self proclaimed antis use these tropes as well. I never really thought about it until now LOL.

Also, thank you so much for the ask, you are very kind. I am sorry I took so long to get to you 🌸💕 and for the other askers as well. I will get to you all soon. I love you all and the support I have received in this blog.

Explanation for inactivity under cut

I have begun my studies again, and have focused SO much on them I have been neglecting my tumblr. Specifically this one. Trust me when I say this is NOT bait. I promise.

-Soapy

[damnfandomproblems]

Since one ask in response to Problem #4927 has generated several replies in a short time, I've decided to consolidate the ones I've received into one post.

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Anon:

You know when you see an ask that's so off the mark, and you wonder to yourself hm, which of the blogs I recently blocked for having 'proship dni' in their bio (because no reasonable and properly informed person would have that in their bio) could this be? This. This is that ask

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Anon:

I wish I could block people who send anons to other blogs because sometimes the take is just so misguided don't even want to try unpackong it

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Anon:

Most people seem to agree this is an ice cold take, but I want to add this too (without assigning blame to anyone who does this, since there isn't actually anything blameworthy about the example): I think part of the problem with all these people (including anon) thinking proship means "I ship (thing)" is bolstered by the fact a ton of people who ship certain uncomfortable, or controversial, dynamics often have "proship" in big words at the top of their blog. And anyone who sees this ends up conflating "proship" with "I ship (thing)"... Even though the causation is actually the inverse. As in, they ship (thing), so why wouldn't they be proship, a stance that says ship and let ship? Would be awfully dumb if they weren't. Meanwhile, a lot of proship people who don't really have controversial or dark or whatever else ships tend to not have "proship" at the top of their blogs, which just solidifies the conflation of "proship" meaning "I ship (thing)". Some do, but most don't. But like another commenter said, I feel like we might need to just move away from buzzwords all together, because clearly people won't stop trying to repackage what they mean, and or misinterpret them based on first-glance, passing observations. That second part is mainly why I think "proship", while the root is pretty damn self-explanatory, still confuses people.

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Anon:

"stop calling yourself a proshipper if you only like mix-raced and other such safe stuff," Okay, two questions: 1. Do you realize mixed race ships are actually super controversial and dangerous to ship, because some antis will say you're either fetishizing (even if you're not), or accuse you of "tokenizing" a non-white character by shipping them with a white character? 2. What are your parameters for what qualifies as "safe"? Because you're already showing one of the biggest anti (or pro-censorship, if you really don't want to use "fandom words") hypocrisies in the book: attacking certain subject matter while giving other kinds of subject matter, which are arguably just as taboo, a free pass. For instance, most antis don't bat an eye about shipping Hannibal and Will Graham (Hannibal NBC series) because that, despite the plethora of physical and mental abuse, is just that. It's not sexual taboo, just every other kind of taboo. So I ask, what are your parameters for what is "safe"? Because chances are, they will either be contradictory in some way, or just make no sense.

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Anon:

["Make a new term" fucking lol. Should proshippers go make their own Ao3, too?] My reaction exactly, lol. Also, for anyone who didn't already know: AO3 literally was created by proshippers. One person actually shipped Wincest and Thorki, and wanted a censorship-free (within the confines of US law, obviously) space to archive that stuff. Hence AO3 was born. The people who made AO3 are now middle aged or nearly there, and aren't going to take your shit. So in that sense, it's more like: listen up, all you annoying-ass censorship-happy babies: AO3's source code is public, it's all there, you're free to make your own space, if you don't like the one WE created, then YOU came barging into, then YOU started screaming about containing stuff you didn't like.

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Anon:

I am a fandom oldie and I miss when "proship" and "anitship" were just terms used in fandom with no deeper meaning. You could be both a "proship" and "antiship" person simultaneously because it was a ship by ship basis. I miss when they literally just meant "I like this ship" and "I do not like this ship". No argument on morality one way or the other. No harassment. Just people loving their fictional characters' dynamics and enjoying them with other people. Example: a NaruHina proshipper meant you shipped Naruto and Hinata for any reson (maybe you liked their chemistry). A NaruHina antishipper meant you probably not only didn't like the ship, but were actively against it for some reason (could be any reason like you shipped NaruSaku or something, that you didn't like their dynamic, or any other reason). It wasn't about the ship being "problematic" or whatever. It was just a personal feeling.

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Anon:

For Christ’s sake, a lot of issues could be solved with a Google search (proship means anti-harassment, anti-censorship, ship and let ship) or just blocking and moving on. Or just resolving misunderstandings instead of leaving dirty laundry out in public. I do not use the proship label. I am very against censorship, hence the meaning of the label, but I’m not slapping a label on myself that essentially boils down to, “I don’t like this, so I’m not gonna look at it/imma block people or tags because I don’t like it” and then moving on. And because ironically, people who have easy access to the internet where, again, Google is free, will slap on a false accusation on me over fiction. And that is something I do not want to deal with. Before someone goes, “I have been harassed by proshippers more than antis,” those people are NOT proshippers, those were actual antis. Or alternatively, “there was a kid that got groomed by proshippers,” again, those people are NOT proshippers, those are predators. Again, Google is free, look up terms, and wash the bias you have for specific people out of your eyes and out of your ears. Use your critical thinking skills.