#also keep telling myself to sort myself out more before bringing someone else into it so should probably follow that advice

[call-me-pup2]

Wanting to be in a relationship to have someone to obsess over and get railed 🤝 Not doing anything to actually meet someone and half the time being disgusted at the thought of having a partner again

[odessa-2]

Titbits and analysis 🖖

As promised, some more titbits from the Con yesterday in Melbourne as well as my interpretations. Prior to attending yesterday, I told myself to keep an open mind and attempt to leave any biases behind (even after having seen the funeral pics). Clean slate. To try and view Sam, the event, questions, and subsequent behaviours objectively.

I'm the sort of person who feels energy and is affected by it and in some ways governed by it. The energy of people, both individually and collectively. The energy of a group. I tend to couple this with objective analysis, which forms the basis of my conclusions about people and situations.

I applied this method yesterday in attempting to understand and view Sam, the OL money 💰 machine and everything else. I also just wanted to go there and bask in the audience and enjoy myself....and....I did like it Jamie.

So first thing I noticed off the cuff was how experienced Sam was in handling questions, and the women, and tailoring his behaviour to suit their desires. He was charming, charismatic, approachable, a skilled professional. I saw the veneer. I felt the veneer. I also saw and felt that he is a pretty decent bloke under that veneer. A man with a solid work ethic, who is mild mannered and working with purpose in his life.

I observed that his handler or Convention agent or whatever he is, Steve, was in full control. He managed Sam's performance in a sense. He asked the questions and even set the directions for some answers. Sam is controlled. I didn't like Steve. I didn't get the best vibe off him. Infact, I got a bad vibe off him. I observed that everything was a performance. Scripted to a large degree. The Single Sam narrative was pushed by Steve. Hard. It was a performance. That much was clear to me.

So Sam chose to mention that he was in Austria skiing 2 weeks ago....blah blah...something about singing a Ronan Keating song. So the script tells everyone nice and early that he is NOT with Caitriona ✅️

Later on in the panel, he mentioned that he "was at the theatre in London the week earlier" watching a play. Huh? Getting his timeline confused? Interesting titbit, I thought. Who would he go to the theatre with whilst in London? Who else likes to go to the theatre? Who have we seen him go to the theatre with before? Ding ding ding!!

One of the first things he spoke about (umprompted) and imo was part of his speaking program, was that Caitriona is back home in Scotland doing prep work and will be directing this season. He said that he spoke to her recently and that she is cold and miserable back home. No one seemed to give a shit. The women were there for their Jamie. Sam read the crowd. He understood.

Sam tried to bring Cait into the conversation again saying something like "Where's Claire?....Caitriona isn't here". Again crickets from the audience.

He said that he auditioned with a lot of Claire's, but they couldn't find the right fit and that nobody was as brilliant as Caitriona.

It sounded like he genuinely missed her.

He spoke of his audition with Cait, saying they were very physical and were almost wrestling each other. He said he was sweating all over her and that his sweat was on her. The crowd still only wanted to hear about their Jamie. I think Sam relished in being cheeky in saying that she wore his sweat that day.

Someone asked about "how do you kiss and make out with a costar and then just carry-on. Isn't it awkward"? Sam responded generally initially, saying that there's lots of checking in with the person and apologising afterwards (in a joking fashion). Then that prompted him to start talking about Cait saying that he has also "snotted" all over Cait and exchanged many body fluids with her (in an acting context presumably)and that there's nothing really left to do together that they haven't already done. I was like "whoooaa wtf Sam?". Shooketh that he said that really. The silence from the crowd was palpable. They really didn't want to hear about Cait and Sam and their shared bodily fluids whilst 'acting'. He is THEIR fantasy man. Not Caitriona's. Silence from the audience. Sam already knew that the crowd were Sam onlies but he loved telling this story. Relished in it imo. He loved the double entendre. It was an unrehearsed, unscripted conversation as it resulted from an audience question. I concluded it was an act of defiance on his behalf. That's what it felt like to me.

Steve the convention agent guy, was always bringing it back to Single Sam. "I worry how are you going to get a date" said Steve. With Sam understanding the prompt ...."I worry too" says Sam. Bachelor narrative secured ✅️

Steve spruked the Bachelor narrative again to Sam's thirsty and adoring fans....."Sam you remind me of that old show where everyone has to guess which bachelor is going to come out of the mystery door". And that's when I knew with 100 percent certainty that the bachelor talk was a ruse. It was so contrived and performative. I smiled to myself. The women in the crowd were eating it up.

Another thing that stood out to me was when Sam was searching for the right terminology when talking about Cait. "My......co star" huge pause.

"I love you Claire" is the line he randomly chose to say when explaining his acting.

When asked how he has time to foster friendships and spend time with his family he talked around it. Avoided the question and kept it about his friendships saying that they are strong friendships that endure. He diverged and started talking about how he still has his core friendships that he had when he was bunking and sharing an apartment/house with them in London when he was younger. The veneer was up. Inpenetrable.

At another point in the panel Sam asked "How many Sheila's are there here"? LOL. I found that amusing.

Now this next part captured my attention the most. It had a weird feeling (energy) around it . Sam gave off a weird energy. Almost hostile. Again that's just what I felt.

Someome from the audience named Toni with an "I" was selected to ask a question. I can't remember what the question was but Sam made a really big deal about her being named Toni. "There's always a Tony have you noticed"? Why is there always a Tony"? He said. He didn't want to drop it. He placed a little too much emphasis on it. I was laughing silently but Sam's double entendre didn't go unnoticed by me. Everyone else was clueless or at least that's how it appeared to me. Was that an Easter egg dropped by Sammy?

Asked about what does he do for self care, he seemed to struggle answering that too. He talked in circles about his way points hike and how he's learning how to live in the moment. There's that wall again.

There were many other things discussed of course but I thought I'd focus on the things that shed light on his situation and that resonated with me.

So my closing Analysis? Sam is controlled. He peforms. He caters. He's intelligent and in tune with people and aims to please but is private. Sunday just reaffirmed and solidified my beliefs. Caitriona snatched up that hard working gem of a man quick smart!

[m-says-hi]

Hello!

I have more sampo thoughts! Surprisingly, not about the recent event but an old event. Or not even the event itself, but something from after it

The memory bubble you get after Aetherium Wars.

Couple of things about memory bubbles before I bring up Sampo or this particular bubble’s contents. After some (admittedly brief) research on bubbles, I’ve learned they’re created by Memokeepers to preserve memories and are usually stolen from the original memory holder. In the game there are 21 memory bubbles. 20 of them belong to Herta and can be found around the Space Station. The last one is the one from after Aetherium Wars and is found on Jarilo VI.

I haven’t interacted with any of the memory bubbles myself, but I have read through all the dialogue and descriptions on the wiki. The 20 belonging to Herta all seem to put you in the pov of the memory holder. It tells it more like a story, kinda similar to Simulated Universe?

But the Aetherium Wars Bubbles only gives dialogue (very similar to Sampo’s character stories) making us more like an observer and not part of the memory. Unless we’re watching the memory of someone who was watching the conversation, but I feel like there’d be more description of the setting if that were the case.

I could go on about the content of the conversation, but I think we’ve all read through it multiple times. What really caught my attention was the beginning and end dialogue of the bubble.

(taken from the wiki. I haven’t done aetherium wars yet ;-;)

Four things stick out to me right away:

The game/The trailblazer’s thoughts notes this feels different

As I mentioned before, there is no description of the scenery showing up before you, but just two figures. My guess as to why is that this bubble wasn’t created by a stolen memory, but was made by the memory holder (or at least the memory holder was involved in the process). The memory holder being Sampo

2. There’s an implication that this bubble was left on purpose

This only adds to the point above. There’s a strong implication that Sampo left this for the Trailblazer to find. You also get an achievement for finding this bubble called Confessions of the Mask which. That kinda says it all.

But now I have two questions, the first being how? It's not said explicitly, but in a conversation with Herta it's implied that Memory Bubbles are only made by Memokeepers. So, if this was left by Sampo, either he got a memokeeper to help him (extremely possible) or he has the power to do it himself (extremely interesting)

My second question is why? 

Why would he tell us? Why is he telling us in this indirect way? My guess is it has something to do with his mask. The conversation in the bubble mentions Penacony and Sparkle. So,this was probably around the time Sampo started planning to go to Penacony to get his mask. I discussed this with a friend, and she suggested it might even be some sort of warning, which is why it’s done with a memory bubble. 

That sort of reminds me of the recent event, where Sampo spills a lot about the Fools and the Tavern, information that you would only really know as a Fool, but said it in a way that implied he wasn’t a fool. That he heard it from somewhere else, someone else, not that he knew it first hand. I wonder if his mask is sort of.. Making him unstable? (He grew increasingly dark every day) And the 7 day event was another warning. Warning of who he might become when the mask fully takes hold and a warning to not become like him

3. The game/the Trailblazer’s thought recognizes that there are multiple mysterious things about Sampo

Maybe this isn’t as important as I’m making it out to be. After all, we all know something is very Off about Sampo. But the Trailblazer recognizing it feels significant to me. It feels like further confirmation that eventually we will unravel these mysteries. Eventually.

4. “When talking to one who wears a mask, always keep your wits about you.”

This. THIS. This statement has been driving me mad since I first saw it. When I read those words I immediately thought of the translated statement from Topaz’s trailer:

“One who is unaccountably solicitous is hiding evil intentions”

(if you have no idea what I’m talking about, it’s one of my first posts)

The statements are not the same. But they feel so strongly similar, like they go hand in hand. Both are warnings. Both tell you to be careful about people who are not how they appear, people with masks and people who are falsely sincere. Both are talking about Sampo. Looking into this made me realize just how many times we've been warned about Sampo. Half of those times being Sampo himself

Something about it just makes my brain light up with possibilities and I feel like I keep pushing the statements together waiting for something to make sense and explain everything else, but I’ve yet to figure it out. So I’m left here just kind of going insane

But that’s all I have for now! Maybe someone else will have something

[mayusteapot]

Yeah, so, fat shaming much, Montgomery? It sort of leaps out of the page, especially with the use of italics. Wasn't this one of the habits (using italics) that she later scolds Emily about? And in some book I read it was a habit of Montgomery's? Anyway, getting off topic. Who hurt you? Another thing that really bothered me in this chapter was the snobbery. Which is a characteristic of the Murrays', but yet seems to be alright when Emily has it. Her bravery in face of the huge loss is attributed to her, and I quote, "fine old ancestors". The text isn't really going into as opposed to whom this would be, but gah, it just smells off. I'm keeping an eye on you, Maud.

I did enjoy the way Emily and her family's backstory is brought to life in this chapter with her father's telling. It doesn't feel forced. She's eleven, and these things have been hard for him, so it's believable that he wouldn't have told her about it before. Maybe not for a while if there weren't the impending death situation.

Ellen is also portrayed brilliantly with her monologue. I find it really enjoyable. Like, two pages full of text and it doesn't really seem overdone!

Anyone else captured by that nickname, Winkums? I just caught myself from falling down the rabbit hole on this one too. All I saw was that there's a nursery rhyme/lubbaby which start's "Winkum winkum, shut your eyes". Couldn't find a history or etymology for the word on a quick duck-duck-going.

Talking about names and snobbery, I started thinking of if we knew where Douglas Starr's family comes from that he is so snubbed by Juliet's family. Starr seems to be very American/Canadian in origin, maybe a sign that his family came over and reinvented itself? But Byrds are apparently from England, gasp!

Since this post is all over the place anyway, I won't hesitate mentioning the weird translation point that I've always wondered about (someone also said in the tags they would like to hear such things, so be prepared, if you find this irrelevant, skip the rest of this paragraph). There are two translations of these books into Finnish. But actually there's just one translation, the other one is a "revised" version. I think that one converts the more Canadian specific terms and some expressions the original translation mistook. But IT IS ALSO AN ABRIDGED ONE!! Yes, I was so shocked and appalled that this isn't even mentioned anywhere in the books. My Finnish editions are the full text (old books I got from my mum), but even the ones you find here in libraries, are the abridged ones! ANyway. Even this original translation omits the line "May jackals sit on her grandmother’s grave!"

I was considering the vivacity of the descriptions in this chapter, of the people, and Emily's mother, and yet, most of the chapter takes place in complete darkness. There isn't even a moon outside besides the small sliver. The text doesn't mention Emily's father bringing along a light.

[takenbypeter]

Take You Away

Ben Poindexter x reader

Words: 817

Author’s note: work was kinda stressful today so I whipped this up because I literally hate my life when I’m at work. Also prompt was given to me a few weeks back, “…sorry I talked too much.” “No no no not at all. Keep talking.” From @bullseye-devil

“I swear I’m going to kill someone,” you growled practically belly flopping onto Dex’s couch the moment you arrived. 

While Dex hated when you were upset he loved when you talked like that, it made his own frustrations feel normal. 

You rolled onto your side, clenching and unclenching your teeth. Dex didn’t say a word as he occupied himself in making you both a drink. 

“I really don’t think I can take it anymore. If I stay at this job I’m either going to kill myself or kill someone else.”

Finishing up the last stir, he listens as you continue ranting, in all honesty Dex doesn’t know how you do it. He knows he couldn’t do it, all the fake smiles, all the greetings and small talk. It didn’t matter if it was a coffee shop, fast food place or a diner, any of it would drive him out of his mind. 

“All the people there are nice but they just use and use, and I feel like the only reason I’m there is so they can slack on their own job.” 

He tapped the spoon he used to stir your drinks three times against the rim before rinsing it under the water and rubbing soap against it. 

Only when he was done did he grab his own mug and the mug that he kept just for you and walked over to you on the couch. 

At the overcast of his figure you move your legs to open a spot for him to sit and when you do you finally notice the mug he has outreached towards you. 

With a small smile and thanks you take the cup and your hands immediately warm up. Bringing the cup to your face the steam warms your cheeks as you blow on it before taking a sip. 

Hot chocolate, your favorite. 

“Sorry, I talk too much,” you said, realizing you’ve been doing most of the chattering.

”No, no, no, not at all. Keep talking.”

So you did so.

“On hot days the customers are rude, on rainy days it’s too busy…” you set the cup on the coaster Dex had already prepared on the table, before finishing that sentence, “I really don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.”

You had been looking for a new job for weeks but it was hard when all you heard back was, ‘looking for someone with more experience.’ 

You shut your eyes for a moment, and took one more sip of the chocolate, feeling that warmth hit your chest again. Yeah that hit the spot. 

“Well…” you heard Dex’s voice for the first time since you started your angry spiel. “…quit. I can take care of you until then.” Dex figured it was a good idea he made enough money for the both of you. 

You blinked a few times at the proposal before shaking your head, “are you kidding me? I couldn’t ask that of you, I have bills to pay and rent. Absolutely not.” You denied. But then he said something you would’ve never expected to hear from him. 

“Move in.”

The sentence hit you hard in the stomach as you felt a rush of unease sting your chest. 

Dex himself didn’t even expect those words to come out of his mouth, he was as surprised as you were. 

“Move in?…” you repeated, “…you don’t mean that,” you said with a singular laugh. 

Your eyes were still wide as you anticipated his answer, sure the thought was compelling but he didn’t mean it, did he?

In actuality he did. He really did. This step in the relationship was something he actually had been wanting to ask for a while now. It made sense to him, you were already practically living together. If you weren’t at his place, he was at yours. 

But he could tell by the look of apprehension on your face that you didn’t seem as into the idea as he was. 

“Of course I mean that—ahem—I mean—“ Dex’s mind scrambled for some sort of excuse. Panic rose into his chest at the thought of rejection that he expected to come next. His throat was drying up. “—if you want to, that is.”

You sat for a moment replaying what Dex just proposed, were you ready for this? Your thoughts rang the same as his realizing you were basically living together anyways. 

With a few blinks from you, you finally gave a response, “I mean sure!…If that’s what you want,” you added, copying his words and tone from earlier. 

Dex’s expression finally relaxed, but you threw a finger up at him, “but obviously I’m not taking your money. For now my job is fine.”

Dex could argue against that but for now he was satisfied with what came from all this. 

He sends a little smile in your direction before leaning closer, “for now.”

[verbenaa]

✨Writing Interview Tag Game✨

Thank you so much @preciouslittlebhaalbae for the tag! I loved reading yours, and this was so fun to do!

When did you start writing?

Well, I feel like I’ve always been writing something since I was able to! I always wrote little stories as a kid, and had notebooks full of ideas and such as a teen. I stopped writing in college and it's taken me over a decade to feel confident enough again to return to it. I had never actually written fanfiction though, despite reading it since I was a preteen until this past december. it's been a great experience so far!

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

I love sci-fi! I mostly read fantasy, but I do indulge myself in that as well when my interest is sparked. I do, also, love a good historical romance when I am feeling indulgent 🤭

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

There's not really a particular writer or anything I'm emulating, if anything I try to not emulate anyone and simply write with my own voice. I've also never had my writing compared to anyone else before, either!

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I write all over the place, haha 😅. On a perfect day, I get to start writing in the living room on my favorite spot on the sofa with my coffee, but it's rare I get the opportunity. I tend to write a lot instead at the built-in booth in my kitchen or at my desk…but truly I will write wherever I can. I have been known to pull over into a parking lot and jot down something really great into the notes on my phone lol. The one place I don’t usually write is in bed though, as I am a sleepy girl by nature and just being near my bed lulls me into the sleepiessss.

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

Hmmm, well I can't say I ever just 'muster up a muse', so to speak. I typically get ideas randomly and I can't ever force them to come. However, I do obviously love to listen to music to help set the mood, I am a chronic daydreamer, and I use pinterest a lot as a tool to help hone my focus. When I start feeling a little lost in my vision, I find it helpful to return to my playlist and the to eden pinterest board to sort of 'reset' my mind, so to speak, and get back into the proper mindset.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

I like repetition, specifically in threes. I also really enjoy working with themes of sex and intimacy and how they intertwine. Trust, as well, has been a recurring one throughout my work. I also love a good musical reference here and there, too!

What is your reason for writing?

Because I have words and stories begging to be set free and can hold them back no longer. Because I want to prove to myself that I am capable of creating something, even if it's just a silly little fanfiction. Because I hope someone out there will enjoy it and maybe it will leave an imprint on them in some form or another!!!

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

Any and all comments!!!! I have recently been having a real bout of lack of confidence, so going back over my comments has really helped keep me going and remind myself that there at least a few people who are enjoying my work!

I have a deep love for comments though where people point out specific parts or lines that they loved and I find this to be beyond satisfying. It's so lovely to know specifically what resonated with someone or what part they really, really enjoyed. It's a very validating experience! Few things bring me more joy than getting to read comments. I neeeeed the comment serotonin! (please leave me comments)

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I...don't know? Hopefully approachable, willing to chat? That I have somewhat of a nice grasp on what I'm writing about??? That I am at least a decent writer????

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I've received a lot of comments about my ability to set place and my imagery, so I feel confident about that skill. Also not bad at writing smut 😏.

How do you feel about your own writing?

oof. this is...a tough one, haha. I tend to be very unsure about my own writing and am also prone to confidence issues and imposter syndrome, hence part of the reason why I've been writing so much slower the past few months 🥲. I oscillate between thinking I'm writing something good that will be enjoyable or thinking that it's awful lol. honestly I can't let myself think overmuch about it and instead I just try to write, write, write and then press publish when I'm done with it 😅. I can be quite self-critical. I need to chill lol.

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

I write for meeee! So far, all the stories I've told have been ones I have wanted to read myself. to eden is completely self-indulgent, as are the oneshots lol.

I could probably do a ted talk about why, exactly, I felt compelled to write to eden when there's a million other amazing Astarion/Tav fics out there and what specific aspects of the Astarion/Tav relationship I have been so eager to explore, so if ya want that LET ME KNOW ✨

Tagging @elinorbard @khywren @ladyduellist @inkymoonbunny @xxnashiraxx and anyone else who wants to join in, I would love to learn about all of you!!!

[outlandish-dreamer]

hai ^u^ um i was wondering if you had any toddler / baby regressor vanessa headcanons from the fnaf movie ? :00 or anything about her hehe , i'm an introject of her and i've been looking for some stuff :33

I do actually!! She's been on my mind a lot recently, so here's what I have for her :D

(I'm probably going to include some of my other headcanons just because I feel like they fit here as well if that's okay!)

Baby Regressor! Vanessa

She's not quite sure what her age range is, though she does know it's pretty small. Mainly because it's before she can remember all the things that happened with her family, so with being pretty young at that state, it's between 0-3.

Very independent, "I can do it myself !!" I feel like she wouldn't really care about having a caregiver, like it's not something she thinks she needs, but won't say no if it happens.

Because of that, she has trouble letting her guard down around others when she's regressed (mainly Mike). Feeling that vulnerable around someone else reminds her of when she was a kid, so it's hard for her to trust that he won't do anything to her.

Dealing with the trauma of everything is hard on someone that's as small as she is. Her brain doesn't know how to process it all and it takes a toll on her both mentally and emotionally. Sometimes she just cries and doesn't know why, but aside from that, she's not really an explosive or overly emotional kid. Mainly a little bit more sensitive than anything.

Is a little nervous when it comes to him acting like a sort of parental/brother figure towards her. She hasn't experienced that in a long time and ever since she's worried it would turn out just like her relationship with her father. That she'll be rejected, taken advantage of, or forced to "grow up."

Mike, being the ever-patient guy he is, wishes he could get rid of those feelings for her. He'd never hurt Vanessa and despite how much she questions it, he still reassures her that he won't.

Will tag along with him anytime she can. He's pretty much the one person she trusts with this and will take up any chance to be around him. Since she's content to pretty much sit and sleep or watch, he doesn't mind.

He also gets much more protective over her when she's little. It could be something as small as seeing a bug in the house or crossing the street, but whatever it is, he's making sure she's alright. That's his baby and though he's still figuring it out, he'll do anything for her.

Very tired kiddo, but hates sleeping alone. She spends most nights (if they aren't with each other) on the phone with Mike or falling asleep together (which happens more often than the former.) And he, having a similar problem, is cool with it either way.

Has a plush bunny (and later on, all the other animatronics) that she keeps with her at all times. It's small enough to fit in her pocket, so she can bring it in to work whenever she's having a rough day.

While her skills aren't as good as they normally are, she still loves to draw with Abby when she feels old enough to. Most of the time they're just scribbles and she's proud of it either way.

S O many forts. It's not even funny. They're her favorite spot to be in and there's no stopping her and Abby from building them.

Speaking of which, it was difficult in the first place to tell Mike about her regression, and it was even more so when it came to Abby. She was a kid and Vanessa didn't expect her to understand it, plus she worried that it would freak her out. They didn't exactly say it was that, but they pretty much put in a way that made sense to Abby. And she didn't mind, she was actually happy to have someone to play with, even if it wasn't someone exactly her age.

She never had a ton of pet names growing up, so Mike takes advantage of that. Mainly variations of her name like "Nessa", and he calls her ones he finds silly or funny. Like "Peanut" or "Munchkin." He does have a favorite though and ends up calling her "Little Lady" most often.

Much more comfortable with PDA/touching in general when she's little. Even if it's just small, subtle things like holding each other's pinkies or holding hands. It helps her feel safer to know that someone else is there like "Hey, I got you." And it helps both her and Mike open up more to each other by doing it.

the DNI banner credit goes to @geekgirl-33, I hope it's okay that I used it!

[gatheringbones]

genuine question: how do you stand the loneliness? i'm in my mid 20s and ive never been loved in a way that didnt hurt. i dont want to have to run after ppl begging for the smallest scrap of affection anymore but i keep turning up ppl who, even though they are interested in me and seem generally decent, arent ready to lower their walls and let me in, so its either that or nothing, and im so fucking lonely. i try to bury myself in work and going out as much as i can, but sometimes it hits me, and i dont know how to stand it anymore. i just want to be able to be kind to someone and treat them with all the love and affection i have, and not have to guard myself at the same time or be afraid of them or feel like i can never be sure with them. i think you've been lonely like that for a long time, too, and i dont have anyone who understands. i know the only advice you can give is probably "endure and continue to have self respect", but i dont know how to do that without also becoming small, and sad, and worn out from all the loneliness. if there's anything you can think of that helped you get through it, please tell me--i dont want to burden or overwhelm you, but i dont know what to do anymore, and like i said, you seem like you've survived a couple of those sorts of droughts and i dont have anyone else to talk to about this

so on those first few early dates with c when she was either driving an hour up north or I was taking the bus two hours down to see her, I was so rattled by the experience of building intimacy with someone else that I couldn’t really think of what we ought to do with each other on our dates. In the end I decided: we would just do what I ordinarily did to build intimacy with myself, which meant taking lots of long walks all over residential seattle. and I’d been living there for over ten years at that point, getting around either by walking or by bus. before that I’d lived in the sticks. before that I’d lived in the part of the sticks that wasn’t connected to the power grid. my earliest memories are long lonely walks. long lonely walks were my primary coping mechanism for debilitating post traumatic stress and survivor’s guilt. and with c it was wild because. it was exactly like going on these walks with myself, only I was more of myself and these walks were more of what they were. what’s more the internal map of the city I had built in my feet over a decade was suddenly of use. all of the time and neurons I had put into building it were relevant to the present situation.

i packed a backpack once. water and a cheeseboard with a little cheese knife and a can of prosecco and a can of kirin for c and lots of little cheeses and salamis and fruits and veggies and chocolate almonds. And I took c on a long meandering walk that I knew from memory; fremont to the crown hill cemetery to the stairs leading down to golden gardens to the beach at sunset. all places I’d been by myself and taken my friends to before. places I’d taken myself to after packing myself a snack and bringing my journal and quite literally staring across the water at a home that would kill me if I ever returned to it. all that time mattered. the time I had spent in that place making those friendships and mourning that life and building that intimacy with myself and the city mattered.

All the years before— giving, giving, gifts to those who could not care, would not give back. How well we made a feast together. Those years of waste were over.

[etsuven]

rating: fluff cw: none includes: childe, kaeya summary: the month of love has just passed, but i still can't help but wonder what type of kisses fit these genshin men...

note: was this supposed to be a valentines day thing? maybe... but its out now! just a tadddd bit later than originally intended... this was ALSO originally supposed to include venti and kazuha as well as four others but i really need to force myself to post since its been over 30 days and get over this awful writers block please someone tell me HOWWWWW this is awful im so sorry ill try to do better in future posts

Childe: I Miss You Kiss

you're waiting for him at the docks of snezhnaya, your heart pounding in your chest as the sound of the ship horn reached your ears. bouncing on your toes, you rubbed your hands together, trying to preserve some kind of warmth in your already numb hands.

the ship is getting closer, and you can only feel yourself getting more and more worked up as time went on. why were you so excited? you were able to finally see your fiance after weeks of sending letters of love back and forth. it was a coincidence that the ship was coming back right on valentine's day, it wasn't something you were complaining about.

you watched in excitement as the ship docked, a bridge laying out in preparation for its occupants to walk out. and walk out they did, but one seemed to be a bit more eager than the others, his ginger hair standing out from the pale white you had quickly gotten used to.

before you knew it, you were enveloped in his arms, his signature scent reaching your nose and making you inhale sharply. he was finally home... a gloved hand found its way onto your cheek, and you were quickly pulled into a kiss that made you let out a silent sigh. it was a sweet kiss, something that told millions of words without actually saying anything at all.

how are you? how have you been? i've missed you.

though you couldn't say anything right now, you were more than willing to do so later- however many times it took for him to truly understand it. you were going to spend your whole lives together anyways, ten thousand more 'i miss you's' wouldn't be that hard of a thing to achieve.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

Kaeya: Tension Kiss

you and kaeya had a strange relationship, something bridging on the gap between friends and lovers. the tension between the two of you wasn't normal, and you've always hoped that behind those teasing words- were actual feelings.

kaeya was a naturally charming man. a fan favorite amongst the citizens of mondstadt, he indulged in the attention, though he never seemed to take it further than a few sweet words. at least, that's how he was with everyone else.

he was different with you... light touches that made your heart flutter in your chest, teasing words that made you retaliate back with words of your own. you weren't the only one who noticed how the (in)famous cavalry captain acted around you. in fact, one of those people was his own brother.

having grew up with the man, diluc wasn't a stranger to changes in his brothers' behavior. under the guise of wanting to keep kaeya from coming from him once more in a drunken rant (that's the reason he used to explain why he was doing what he was doing. it was a lie.) diluc decided to subtly reveal to you how strange he thought kaeya was being.

"he seems to be different around you, but i can't seem to figure out why. perhaps you should ask him." those were the words he told you, and while you did feel that there was some sort of ulterior motive as to why he even mentioned that, you still decided to listen to his advice.

and that brings us to tonight. kaeya was walking you home after a long night at the bar, and his reason as to why he wanted to do this was, "you had a few drinks, it would be improper of me to let you walk home by yourself, no?"

you initiated small talk, the conversation flowing smoothly between the two of you. eventually you made it to your front door, a small sigh leaving your lips once you realized that your time together was almost done. but you still had one more thing to do.

the question left your lips slowly, almost as if you were scared that he would shut you down the second you spoke. perhaps you were scared. you asked if there was a reason as to why he seemed so different with you. kaeya's uncovered eye widened with every word, eventually settling on looking to the side as you finished speaking.

you gave him time to process your words, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in your chest as you closed your eyes. seconds later, you were startled by the feeling of a slightly cool hand on your cheek. peeking an eye open, you watched as kaeya leaned in, a slightly flustered look on his face as he glanced down at your lips.

oh. so that's why he was acting this way.

"may i?" he asked, a slight tremble in his voice. you nodded slowly, taking the initiative and leaning in to kiss him. his lips were soft, and it almost seemed like they were made to perfectly fit yours. you shivered a bit, both because of the cold and because you were a tad bit nervous. but still, you didn't dare pull away.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

[coffeebanana]

How would you recommend interacting with a writer. If a story wasn't to your taste, or left you unsatisfied. But you still want to encourage, the writer. And show gratitude for the free entertainment?

Hi anon!

The short answer is, a simple "thanks for the fic!" or "thanks for sharing!" or even a few emojis will often suffice. You really don't have to let the writer know what you didn't like. At the end of the day, they're not writing the fic for you, and obiously not every story is going to satisfy everyone the same way--otherwise we'd all be the same and that would be a horrendously boring world to live in.

The long answer is probably unecessary, but I like to procrastinate on my WIPs talk 😂

There's a format of commenting that goes a little like this: "i don't normally like [X ship, X trope, the way X acts in canon, etc...], but i love the way you do it!!" And honestly I myself have used that before--mostly for tropes, though possibly for some ships as well. And on the surface, that's reads as a compliment. Personally, when ppl leave me that sort of comment, I'll usually interpret it as a compliment too--unless they're full on bashing the thing I love (which sometimes happens with people criticizing canon). And I do think it's INTENDED as a compliment. (That's how I've meant it, when I used it, so I do try my best to also interpret others in good faith.)

But it can also read as "I don't like this thing that you really like and I felt the need to tell you that." Honestly, I didn't even realize it would come across that way until I saw someone else point it out. And then...yeah, I started to notice the fics I get it on more (A lot lot lot of my ladrien fics, lmao.)

So I'm at a weird cross roads where I try not to use that anymore--unless it's with someone I'm fairly sure will understand how I mean it?because sometimes you do have more of a rapport with certain ppl and they'll understand what you mean--but I also don't want to say it's 100% a bad thing to say. I really do understand the intent.

Anyways, my point in bringing that up is that you never don't know what seemingly innocent "this wasn't quite to my taste" comment is going to read as an insult. And so if you really DO want to encourage said writer, I'd recommend sticking to the positives.

Another big thing that's important to me personally is: don't lie.

People have a tendancy to...I don't want to say be disingenuous, but certainly to exaggerate at times on the internet. You see that in the SCREAMING CRYING EATING GLASS types comments. And those are USUALLY sincere in the way that the emotions they convey are sincere. We as a society understand they're not literally eating glass but that they're in agony because the angst in the fic was so good and they want more. But then--something I've noticed--that sort of lingo has a way of slipping into a default response of sorts. And sometimes that makes me question if people really mean it?

This second thing is probably more of a personal thing than a response to your question, but since it's something I've been thinking about lately I hope you don't mind that I brought it up too. I really don't want people to lie to me about my writing.

Not even if it's "to be nice".

Maybe this is in part because I myself find it...difficult to be insincere with ppl, but I don't want false compliments--that's something I tell my friends too. If I write a trope or pairing you don't like? There's never any pressure to read it. I don't expect comments or kudos from anyone. And I'm not someone who in general believes people are insincere--that's not really fair to other people. But everyone has doubts at some point, and I feel like adding to that by straight up lying to make someone feel better just isn't the way to go? If you can't pick out a detail from the fic that you genuinely enjoyed, then maybe keep it to the simple "thanks for sharing!"

So, I guess the TLDR is: keep it short and sweet. keep it encouraging if that's really your goal. (and, if this ever happens to be in reference to something that I specifically have written? please don't feel like you HAVE to say anything at all)

Thanks for the ask!! Sorry I went on for so long LOL💜

[reggies-eyeliner]

THE CLASSIC MATCHUP - for @missmorosis!

-> THE "you were my new dream" COUPLE

#now playing ... "invisible string" by taylor swift

(saw it was you and said SOKKA'S GF????

u are so sokka gf coded

i cannot stress this enough bro u . i can't see you with anyone else except sokka it's my curse

you guys have been dating for how long now?? four years irght yes)

THERE IS LAUGHTER LIKE YOU GUYS ARE 6-years-old again at a sleepover when you're supposed to be asleep every😭single😭night😭💗💗and oh man genuinely this man is your number-one go-to guy for a good belly laugh before you go to bed. if you're traveling with them to go from one place to another, everyone else in the gaang places their bets on you and sokka laughing about the same joke until the sun rises, so you two are both always rubbing sleep out of your eyes once you actually have to go out and Do Responsible Stuff.

the way this man looks at you while you and the gaang are riding on appa is genuinely so criminal. he has this pathetically in love smile on your face because 1) pretty girl, and 2) pretty girl with nice personality that 3) tells him nice things all of the time and 3) gives him he best hugs that he could ever ask for (he does not ask for hugs so he always leans in for an extra second thinking that you won't notice😭<33)

and OH MAN your love language is words of affirmation and acts of service?? this man is THE NUMBER ONE GUY EVER to be the act of service. he used to only keep one extra hair tie around his wrist for himself, but now he keeps up to five at times, in all sorts of colors, and hands you one when it looks like the wind is in your hair AJSJCHSHAHJ AND AND OH MAN whenever you seem to be slightly quieter than usual in a public, crowded space, he'll slowly bring you to a quiter place so you can recharge your social battery. he doesn't make it a huge grand gesture all of the time, but he wants it to be enough that you know someone out there cares, but not so much that you waste more energy worrying that you're a burden (SPOILER ALERT YOu'RE NOT ILYSM)

sokka absolutely melts when he sees you get excited about your passions. he does not speak korean but he will learn for you. he will sing songs by txt and say "this one's a banger, check this out," and start singing his heart out AND he will learn the choreo for it too (and it'll be at the randomest times 😭like 7am in the morning while you're rubbing sleep out of your eyes and he just starts it's so funny he loves yous o bad)

the king of giving random compliments throughout the day ever. will tell you that he loves your smile and loves your smile lines and loves your nose and loves your hair and how you talk and how you say certain words and how you text and how

AND!! best part this man will never ever ever make you sit on the inside of the booths and will know so fast and immediately sit there first AUUAUSGCH and also if you ever do self isolate he'll be the first to know,, he's done it himself obviously, but he's learned that shouldering things alone isn't what people were made for. he'll come sit by next to you if you need it or just slide down the wall beside you and sit with you at his side. no prying, no demands, no "making it about myself," he will just sit and breathe and listen to you. he'll also try to cheer you up by getting you take out or boba BWHJABHC and if all else fails he'll hold you and tell you sweet nothings UAUAAUGGAGAGHSHCGH WAILING VIOLENTLY

this is so random but if you guys are like. at a really nice cafe i am so serious rn THIS MAN WILL CUT YOUR BREAD FOR YOU cut the corners of your toast if you don't like the crust and keep an eye on your teabag and put it out if it seems like it's been steeping for too long

RANDOMIZED TROPE:

"domestic fluff"

-> waking up at six in the morning to head out for the day not to go to school or work but because he wanted to see the sunrise with you, his hands will definitely card through your hair and AUGH THIS GUY WILL hold you and carry you out the door because he's just . he is like that . he will be an absolute puddle on the floor of you help him with his hair too because he's very specific on who touches his hair ("i was having a GOOD HAIR DAY, KATARA.") and will make you a good breakfast (and will totally search up recipes for well-known meals in korea because he's doing his best AUGH) and will draw you tiny illustrations of you guys and sneak them in your bag. when you come back from school or work he'll come back with fried chicken or boba or maybe a combination of both and turn on a movie, but if you need to study he'll calmly be there beside you to help you out HJAJSHCB <333

a/n BRO I AM SO SORRY I HAVEn'T FINISHED YOURS AND ITS BEEN ALMOST LIKE 10 MONTHS HOLY i am so so sorry but when i tell u i was grinning like an idiot while making this because augh you and sokka are genuinely the sweetest couple and you guys make me want to throw up in not a bad way like . holy moly why are you guys The Couple ever stop doing that WJABCJHAC okay but genuinely i hope life has been treating you well!!! and that things have been going okay for you AJSJJHAJA if you ever need anything let me know and remember that i love you so so much (i am not just saying this genuinely you are a gift and blessing to this planet there are so many people who love you please take care of yourself love you deserve it) PLEASE REMEMBEr to drink water and sleep well!! sending hugs and kisses mwah mwah!!

[zalrb]

I tried searching your blog,

How did you feel about the Hyde cheating on Jackie storyline, given all of that cheating nonsense she dealt with with Kelso?

Yay, a Hyde and Jackie question! (fuck Danny Masterson, he can choke).

Um, obviously as a shipper I don't like the storyline and I don't excuse Hyde but I get it and I think it works for the character, as in it makes sense that Hyde did that because it's a defensive reaction, like

1. Hyde's parents abandoned him

and when they were around, they were neglectful at best

2. This is the first real relationship Hyde has and it requires a level of vulnerability from him that he isn't used to giving -- because of 1 --

so this is all new/scary to him, it took him how long to even refer to Jackie as his girlfriend but in his own way, he’s consistently putting himself out there for her,

including potentially losing his friendship with Kelso

3. By this point, there had already been the Annette incident

and Kelso had been needling at Hyde and had been trying to get in between them for weeks

and during the Annette incident, he revealed an insecurity he had about their relationship (even if not presented in that way)

and that sort of comes back up just before he hooks up with the nurse

So, with all of these things for context, I understand Hyde seeing them on the couch and not confronting them and just bailing

because that's what he's used to happening to him (see #1) and he’d already done something that doesn’t feel comfortable to him, which is express how he feels

Plus, in his mind, he'd already given Jackie a second chance by letting the Annette thing go  and he felt like his trust was violated again, and later on in the season, he tells Kelso that he’d never felt this way about a girl before

so seeing the two of them together when he thinks the two of them had cheated deeply hurt him

and I think it’s also important to note that in the Annette incident he talks about how Jackie “makes you stupid“ because he feels stupid for falling for her

and this time, he says that he feels like an idiot, which I take to mean that, he gets back together with Jackie after she told him she loved him and he feels like an idiot for believing that she did

he went against his natural defence mechanisms because he loves her and wants to be with her,

and it led to what he thought was another betrayal and he reacted defensively.

I know that some people and maybe myself have said that he cheated as a way of breaking up, I think that’s a bit debatable particularly because he doesn’t say ‘no’ when she asks if he still has a girlfriend

and he couldn’t be sure that somebody would see him and the next day/episode when Kelso talks to him, Hyde at first acts like nothing is wrong, like he didn’t see Kelso and Jackie on the couch, like he didn’t sleep with someone else, he doesn’t try to find Jackie either, he just does his regular thing

and he himself refers to it as cheating, which implies that in his mind he’s still with Jackie

What I will say is that he doesn’t deny it when Kelso directly brings it up, and he also wasn’t trying to hide what he was doing when he did it, like Kitty was only a few feet away, Kelso works in the hotel, Jackie visits him there frequently so I think it’s more accurate to say that for him it was a they-see-if-they-see-because-I’m-doing-nothing-wrong situation, that he felt completely justified in doing what he did, kind of like tit for tat until he realizes he wasn’t justified at all

As we see in season 6 when he has a date with another girl after Jackie chooses him, Hyde isn’t interested in two-timing Jackie or being dishonest with her

Kelso, on the other hand, consistently lied to Jackie to keep cheating with hook-ups like Pam Macey or two-timing her with Laurie. In season 4, he says that his cheating is a direct result of her verbal abuse, which I thought was a story point that happened way too late in their relationship and that goes absolutely nowhere but even if I did take that as a story point that contextualizes his behaviour, that doesn’t change the fact that Kelso has a pattern of cheating on Jackie and lying to her

and using her for her money

and stringing her along

and that just wasn’t what was happening with Hyde and Jackie so while I would of course have preferred that he hadn’t cheated on her at all, it’s one of the very few times I’ve found cheating as an obstacle for a ship to work where there’s no character assassination for the cheater.

[fictionadventurer]

I happened to see a good chunk of the Netflix Persuasion. I can't give a complete review or analysis or whatever, but I have thoughts.

This movie has some very pretty colors. I like cool color palettes, what can I say?

There was one shot of a purple sunset where I was like, "Oh, I could live in this picture."

The aesthetic was so trendy I couldn't take it seriously. The clothes were that 2019 Little Women cottagecore vibe with lots of poorly-fitted textures and layers and colors. I laughed out loud at the Big White Text announcing LYME or BATH, because it's such a specific vibe.

I tried to detach from any notion of it as an Austen adaptation, and just enjoy it as its own movie that just happens to take place in a history-flavored fantasy world where everyone uses modern speech. Because sometimes those stories can be fun. It still didn't work.

Because it mostly just confused me. It was this weird mish-mash of genres and tones that didn't really blend together. Oil and water. It was Pinterest and Hallmark and Austen and College Humor and Instagram and Feminism and it's all felt like it came from completely different movies.

It was trying to be a sincere period drama love story and a goofy parody at the same time and it just didn't work.

Like, there were some sweet moments in it. Anne talking about poetry to Captain Benwick was rather nice.

But then you've got things like the weird octopus-sucking-my-face story Anne tells at Lady Dalrymple's. Even that could have worked okay in context, because Mr. Eliot jumps in and turns it into a metaphor about identity, which helps to cover for Anne's awkwardness and shows that he's willing to help her out. But then they keep bringing up the octopus as a sort of pet name and it's just so weird and doesn't fit with the rest of the story.

I've gotten ahead of myself so I'm going to backtrack to some specifics.

Mary Musgrove was excellent. Spot-on. I love how she's visibly younger than Anne. First adaptation I've seen that emphasizes that.

It was interesting how they emphasized the Mrs. Clay storyline. It actually sparked some interesting thoughts about the differences between the male social climbing of the sailors (shown in a positive light in Austen) and the female social climbing of the marriage-seeking ladies (shown in a more negative light).

I've never had a clearer picture of why Mrs. Clay matters so much to Mr. Elliot. Even in the book, it's a bit muddy, but it's crystal clear here. Mr. Elliot telling us his schemes straight-out did have the benefit of making the story very easy to follow.

I've got to back up again.

They completely altered the Anne/Wentworth storyline by mixing around all the plot points.

After they go to Bath, Wentworth seeks out Anne, says that they haven't had a chance to talk, and tells her how he always admired how good she was in an emergency. And this was before the staircase scene. I was extremely confused, until it hit me--this is a dream sequence! This is how Anne wants it to play out, but then she'll wake up!

But no! This actually happened! Wentworth says all this very sincerely and passionately, leading up to him declaring...that he wants to be friends. (At least there's context for "We're worse than exes--we're friends.")

It completely alters the trajectory of their relationship. Instead of jumping from the passion of hatred to the passion of love, Wentworth has gone to the other end of the pole--friendly indifference. He likes Anne and is totally okay with her marrying someone else.

I think they changed it so Mr. Elliot could be a serious contender in the love triangle. Wentworth has let her go--can she find happiness with someone else? I'll admit it's an interesting change, even if it's not Persuasion.

But it also seems like they're trying to make Wentworth a Suitable Love Interest for the Twitter Generation. Wentworth gets weirdly bristly with Mr. Elliot. Then Wentworth apologizes because Anne is a strong woman who doesn't need his protection. He tells her she should have been able to be an admiral. He's being mature and letting go of his resentment and wishing her well and showing that he doesn't like Regency Gender Roles. It's like they're shaving away his character growth in favor of a bland Nontoxic Relationship (TM).

But then Anne likes Mr. Elliot because he's bad? He openly talks about how he's trying to wreck her father's relationship to get the title. He insults her family. And she likes it.

This version of Anne holds her family in contempt. She doesn't like them or how they treat her and she openly disdains it. So she connects with Mr. Elliot. But the book Anne seems sad for her family--she doesn't like their behavior because she wishes they could be better people. She has compassion while movie Anne is resentful.

Persuasion is all about restraint. This movie is all about lack of restraint. People speak bluntly and say what they think and openly insult people. It's a completely different culture from the usual Austen movie, because it's modern culture. Which emphasizes how little we value good manners and restraint.

It's also weird how in changing the story, they also turn it into a generic rom-com. There's a more blatant love triangle between the good boy and the bad boy. Wentworth is starting to fall in love with Anne, but he's got an opportunity to advance his career, and he has to decide within a few days, oh no! It's textbook romcom plot points.

There was another point that I'll probably think of later.

EDIT: Oh, I just remembered! I think it was that the movie was so interested in the vibes and emotions of each individual scene that it didn't bother to try to stitch them together in a coherent whole.

The ending kiss looked 1000% like the cover of a cheap romance novel.

And the final moral of "don't let anyone tell you how to live your life" feels so simplistic and selfish and weird.

Overall, I'm not angry. I'm just confused. It's not the type of movie to arouse any kind of emotion other than "Huh???" And maybe a bit of regret that they couldn't have done better things with the interesting bits.

[gurugirl]

So I'm conflicted. I messaged you a while ago that I was talking with a guy 25 years older than me. We exchanged pictures and I wasn't attracted to him. I broke things off with him but didn't tell him why. I used an excuse that, while true, wasn't the reason I didn't want to talk anymore. I missed talking to him, so after about a month I started messaging him again. I've never had anyone talk to me the way he does. We text all day, even when we are both at work. We text about everything. Like our lives, daily stuff, childhoods, and sex stuff. I don't think we have disagreed on anything yet. I don't know if I like him or just that he is the only person to be nice and seem to care about me in the not just friends sense. There are so many things to think about with him. He has two kids. I am only 7 years older than his son. I wouldn't want to start out as anything serious with him but I've never even been on a date before and he has been married and had children. Plus there is the whole could I become attracted to him. When I first saw his picture it was an instant no from me but after looking at them over and over again I can see maybe some attachment growing. I'm just looking for any sort of advice. I don't want to hurt him just because I can't figure my shit out. Any idea of how to figure this out? What do I do or ask him or myself? I've never done this with someone my age so it feels even more confusing with someone older. He always says he likes talking with me and is thinking about me. I get a thoughtful message that is different every morning. First thing at around 7am even though he knows I won't respond until hours later. How can I tell if I like this because its from him and not just because it is happening at all? Sorry for the long-winded ask. I'm just very confused and no one in my real life even knows he exists. It isn't something I want to bring up if it isn't ever going to turn into a real thing. What would you do and how would you go about figuring it out? Also I can't remember if I mentioned it in the past but for reference I'm 30 and he's 55.

Hi hon! I think I remember you telling me your age and his.

It sounds like you genuinely enjoy his "company" or like how he treats you and you two get along really well so to me it makes sense you'd want to keep talking because you formed a bond of some sort. But when it comes to matters of the heart that's where stuff really gets confusing. You have established you like him as a companion or friend but you're not attracted to him.

I've had friends in the past that I liked so much that I was confused by what my feelings were for them (I couldn't tell if it was romantic or just like close friends) and in the end it wound up boiling down to me just really really liking them as a friend but it was mistaken for more because it was kind of intense. I'm not sure if that's kind of how you're feeling for this man or not but I can see it happening and I empathise with you bc that's super confusing. The guy that I was very close friends with wound up liking me as more than a friend and I sort of forced myself to want to be with him romantically bc I wanted to keep his friendship and not lose him, and also thought surely I'd eventually find him attractive bc I liked him so much but that never happened and I couldn't get past not having that physical attraction.

While I don't feel like looks are everything, for me personally, if I were to be considering seeing someone romantically I'd need to find that physical attraction after my experience. I don't think you can force something like that or that one day you'll wake up and find him handsome. But who knows? Maybe that wouldn't be the case for you. We are all wired differently. I met a couple a few years ago where the woman told me that she never found her husband to be "good-looking" but that she adored him and everything else about him made him attractive to her (he was also much older than she was).

I fear this is one of those things that you'll just need to try and be honest with yourself about (which is so hard when you're confused about it) and maybe even him as well. Being that he's 55, I'd hope he's not expecting a 30 year old to find him terribly attractive. I bet he's aware that you'd have that hurdle to figure out.

I don't know how you should go about it in your situation. I just know for me I would want to be at least somewhat physically attracted and I don't think it's something I can force. But since you're so conflicted about this and no one else knows about him, would it be the worst thing to talk it out with him? You trust him (it sounds like) and you two know a lot about one another so maybe just tell him how you're feeling. It'll give him perspective maybe and if he's a truly stand-up guy he won't try and persuade or pressure you or anything like that. It'll be more like a frame for him to view the relationship so you two are on the same page, or at least he can understand your view of things. Maybe you'll find clarity that way, by talking it out with him.

Thank you for the update! I hope my rambling made sense and that you can find some clarity in your situation somehow 💕

xoxo

[akiranzee]

😇 • ° ` — “ANGEL IN DISGUISE”

-> PAIRINGS: Mammon x f!MC -> SUMMARY: It has been 6 months since you've arrived in the Devildom. You have always believed devils are evil, and now that you're here, in their world, you've gotten far too close to this certain devil, and start to doubt yourself. -> WORD COUNT: 4.3k+ -> CONTAINS: Only fluff, Mammon is being soft, slight Mammon & reader angst, mean brothers, this story may not follow the og story's plot well, reader is a roman catholic, talks of traumas, & Mammon is 5,000 while reader is 23. -> A/N: helloo!! i’m gonna change the storyline a little, like belphie not hating on humans, not getting locked up in the attic, and certainly NOT killing you. this was kinda rushed btw sry lxmao. if any of you are wondering who mammon is, he is a character from the game called "Obey Me!" i recommend that game sm👍.

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------------Complete!------------

You woke up, feeling numb pain on your back, and seeing a quite confusing sight in front of you.

A black-haired man and red-haired man with weirdly greyish skin smiled at you, while the black haired man held out his right hand to you, realizing that you're now currently laying down on a rough floor.

You hesitantly take his hand, assuming that they kidnapped you, but who would ever dare kidnap someone and bring them to this fancy looking place?

You looked around frantically, looking for your friends as they were the last people you were with before you got into this weird looking place.

You heard a man laugh behind you, so you twist your head directly behind you, seeing the red-haired man laugh, while the black-haired one just plainly smiled.

You gave him a confused look, or more of a look that says ‘I need an explanation’ and he easily catched up on it, clearing his throat and started to explain.

“Welcome to the Devildom, Y/N L/N. It is a pleasure to meet you, and before anything else, I'd like to introduce myself. I am Diavolo, ruler of all demons, and I will be crowned as the future king of the Devildom.” Your eyes were full of emotions, mainly, confusion, doubt, and anger.

“This here, is my right hand man, Lucifer. The eldest of the seven demon brothers. He will also be the one to take care of you in your 1-year stay here in the Devildom, and you'll be living with him and his brothers in the House of Lamentation.” Your eyes still wide, as you looked at the black haired man who was still smiling and who was introduced as Lucifer.

“Lucifer, what if you tell her about everything for a change, yes?” Diavolo looked at Lucifer, while this Lucifer man stalked his way towards you, and greeted you with a sort of heartwarming smile.

“Hello. As Diavolo said, I am Lucifer, the one who will take care of you in your whole stay here in the Devildom, and you will be living with me and my brothers in the House of Lamentation. They might cause you a bit of a ruckus and problem, but I'll try my best to handle the situation. Speaking of which, you are chosen to be one of the participants in this exchange student program. You have not need to worry though, as we chose 2 human participants from your world, which means a human will be joining and keeping you company during your stay.” Lucifer explained to you, and you actually were left dumbfounded, understanding literally nothing of what he said and of what was going on. You were about to say something, but someone barged into the door, making you look at them.

“I'm hereeee!” A cheery voice yelled out as soon as they stepped in the room, exposing a white-haired man with tan skin, and in a uniform just the same as what Lucifer is wearing.

“Mammon.” Lucifer, who was smiling so oh nicely to you, turned his sight to this guy who he called Mammon, sending the poor guy death glares.

“Eek. Did I come in the wrong time?” Mammon asked Lucifer, perhaps you could see him tremble, ready to step out the door and maybe run away.

“No. I'm assigning you to take good care of Y/N L/N here,” he stalked towards Mammon, “and if I ever hear a complaint coming from her, I will lock you up in the dungeons. Is that clear?” Lucifer said, threatening Mammon that's still managing to aggressively nod.

Lucifer turned his head towards you, smiling heartwarmingly yet again as if nothing just happened.

“H-Hey, human! C'mere and I'll give ya a tour!” The white haired guy managed to call you out, trying to maintain his posture.

Without any questions asked or words said, you started walking towards him not knowing why your body just moved on its own.

And with that, the both of you left the room. Both of you were quiet at first, but then you started to ask him questions.

“...What's your name?” You asked, breaking the silence.

“I'm the great Mammon!” Mammon answered cheerfully, smiling so brightly at you. You looked at him with visible confusion, thinking that he must be one of those overconfident men that you really hate. You tried to put no thought into it though, and continued asking your questions.

“...Why do you have a name of a demon...?” You question, looking deeply into his eyes.

“...Because I am...?” He answered, looking back at you confusedly.

“W-What do you mean you are?” You stuttered out, starting to feel scared over the fact that this man just called himself a demon.

Mammon was about to reply back, when you heard a voice calling his name.

“Oi Mammon! Give me back my money now will you!? Just die!” The voice yelled out at Mammon, spurting harsh words to him.

You always hated it when people say these kinds of things to other people, as if telling them they shouldn't have been born. Because that's what you were told to. To just die.

“Hey! That's kinda rude don't you think!?” You stepped in front of Mammon while yelling at the indigo-haired guy right in front of you.

You felt rage flow in your veins as you remembered just how horribly your so called parents treated you.

“What the heck!? Get out of my way you human normie!” The indigo-haired guy yelled back at you, also feeling rage flow in his veins.

“H-Hey! Why don’t we just calm down everyone, huh? A-And Levi! I’m givin' them back to you next week!” Mammon stuttered out, trying to break the tension that was going on between you two.

“Next week!? You always say that! And it has been 200 years for your information! I can’t even buy the new limited Ruri-chan figurine because of you! Ugh!” The Levi guy walked off, stomping away and probably going back to his room.

“Well that’s just rude. And 200 years? He put in too much exaggeration when it was probably just 2 months or something. Right?” You turn your head to Mammon, crossing your arms.

“Exaggeration? I admit that I didn’t pay him for literally 200 years plus, but ‘ey, it ain’t my fault I’m too busy.” Mammon replied, but his tone a little bit sad. He still continued to walk off anyway so you followed.

“I don’t get anything at all. I’m in a dream, aren’t I?” You asked, trying to break out from this cursed dream you're in, as this man you're talking to right now is certainly not evil.

“You're kidding, right? I know us demons have more IQ than you humans, but I didn't expect ya to be this dumb.” He says, turning his head slowly towards you.

Ok now that's insulting.

“What? Why do you keep calling yourself a demon? Demons are literally evil creatures. Stop that.” You say to him, feeling uncomfortable.

“Wha- oh my god you dumb human! Din't Lucifer tell ya about all of this exchange student thing!?” Now his head is facing you, face looking visibly annoyed.

“That black-haired man? Like hell I'd believe him. Demons don't even exist, they are just evil myths to us.” You say, facepalming with one hand.

You didn't give this white-haired man any choice, so he did what he could think of doing.

“See? Now I'm a demon!” He says cheerfully, all the while spinning slowly for you to see a better view.

The white haired man that was once in front of you was now gone, replaced by another one that looks just like him, but with wings and horns, like a demon.

“W-What-” You couldn't speak. And if you could, what would you even say? That it's just a prank? A dream? A dream can't feel this real, no. Your knees are even trembling that they have given up and now you're on the floor, looking like a terrified baby.

“W-Wai- Hey! Just chill out!” Mammon said, all while your vision getting blurry, last thing remembering is your head falling into tan skin colored arms.

~~~~~

It was hazy, but you soon adjust to the lighting and open your eyes. And yet, the first thing you see is the white-haired man, or should I say, the great Mammon.

“Phew! You're awake! I swear to diavolo never to do that again or Lucifer's gonna c'mere and kill me!” Mammon said dramatically, while you were still in shock.

"Hey, look. I know this ain't good to hear, but yeah you are in the devildom, world of demons." He said, trying to ease you up a bit. But that definitely did not work.

"Stop telling me all about this demon thing demon thing would you!? Stop making me believe false lies and informations about them! Don't even think that you'd be one of those devilish creatures! Do you even know what you're saying!? I seriously don't know where I am, how I got here, who brought me here, and you just keep telling me all these fake stories of you, and everyone else here being a demon!" You rage out, head whipping, tears threatening to escape your eyes.

Mammon was shocked, he didn't expect that from you, after all, you’re just the curious little thing who's supposed to follow everything by order.

"Ugh.. You just can't understand, can you? Well, whatever. Not my problem anymore, Mammon's headin' out for the casino, make sure ya don't touch anythin’ here in my room. And oh, just stay here would ya? My brothers might see ya and eat ya. Can't have Lucifer feed me to his three headed dog monster or somethin'." And with that, Mammon is now out of the door.

You couldn’t believe it, you never could. How can you even believe it? They’re just myths, evil myths on top of that. And yet this man right in front of you claims that he is? This nice, loud, and kind man?

~~~~~

It was 15 years ago, lightning continuously spreading around your home, the room so dark.

“Dad...?” You called out, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes as you went down the stairs.

“Run... Y/N run...” Someone cried out, voice so familiar to you, but it’s tone so unfamiliar to you.

You peeked on your living room, horror start to consume you.

Blood. So many blood. It stinks. All red, everything is so red. And then there comes a man lying down on the floor, helpless, looking so dead.

“D-Dad...?” Your eyes widen, realizing, that the man you were looking at, was your dad, the man that raised you, cared you, and loved you.

Run he says. But you never did. You don’t know what to do, what to reply, what to say.

All you could ever think of is, your father is about to die.

The other man, or should I say killer, was about to stab your father with the knife he held on.

Instead of doing something, you just stared there, as blood splashed through your house walls, your father’s breath was cut off.

“Live.” Was his last word, not I love you or any other things a father in his dying breath would say.

But you know damn well that he said that word because he cared for you, loved you, wanted you to live, to survive within the grasp of this killer right in front of you.

Luckily though, the killer didn’t mind you and left the house, but you saw him. He was no close to a human, but a demon.

It was a traumatizing experience for you after all, a child like you could never do anything at that moment, and you regretted not doing anything at that moment. What can you even do at that moment? Because the memories from that night still haunt you, blaming you for your father's death, blaming you for not doing anything at all.

You just wished you'd go back in time and at least try to do something, not just stare at the dying man right in front of you.

One of the reasons for your undying wish to go back in that night was to escape from your mother's harsh grasp.

Sure, she is your mother. But can you even call someone that if they told you, 'you never should have been born'?

The trauma welcomes itself again to you, the feeling you always felt when it welcomes itself to you, hatred, fear, anger, and sadness.

Your hands were shaking, whole body trembling, and you feel your vision getting blurry. Then out of nowhere, Mammon comes back, barging into his very own room, expecting you ran away already, but instead, you were weeping on his shiny floor, hands covering your face.

This was the expression he expected you to show the least, since the very first time he saw you, he already knew you were this strong and brave type of woman, but just like he sees in every movie, they shed tears when they're alone, with nobody to stand on by their side.

So here he goes, trying to rewrite the original story, sitting beside you now.

"Hey... What's wrong? 'M sorry if I was too harsh on ya, it's just that I'm offended 'cause ya don't think 'm telling the truth or somethin' sorry." Mammon tried to ease your crying, his tone slowly comforting you.

Minutes later, your weeping finally stopped, and you looked up at him, saying,

"You don't look like a devil." With that confused eyes of yours.

"Eh? Seriously? I literally have horns and wings. What are ya, blind?" He answers back confusedly too, causing a laughter come out of you.

You never thought a conversation with a demon like this could be... fun.

And then a small 'meow' interrupts the fun session you guys had.

You looked under the bed and found a white furred kitty, and picked it up.

"Wait... is that Satan's pet?" Mammon looked at the kitty, pointing it.

"Who's Satan?" You asked, and just then, Mammon's bedroom door bursted open, revealing a blond haired man with green eyes.

You, of course, got shocked, which accidentally made you loosen your grip on the kitty, making it fall.

"Hey! Mammon! Why did you hide sir cat in your bedroom!?" He said as he picked up the white furred cat who was running towards him after it fell.

"Wha- Hey! I didn't hide it, Y/N here literally found it under my bed! Also, who the hell names their cat 'sir cat'!?" Mammon yelled back, strolling towards the blond haired man.

"I do! And you have a problem!?" Now they're on the verge of starting a fight. You were about to step in, until someone did the job.

"Hey! Why are you guys so noisy!? Ugh! I can't get my beauty sleep because of you guys!" Someone yelled, with both their hands on their hips.

“Ugh! What are y’all doing here!? Get outta my room now!” Mammon yelled pointing his index finger literally to the two people.

“Then stop being so noisy! I can hear your ugly voices from my room!” The person with a sleeping mask answer back, yelling.

It was so noisy, that the bickering already annoyed you, forcing you to yell back,

"Stop it!" And everyone turned their heads to you.

"Oh? What is this, Mammon? Why do you have a pretty looking woman in your room? Hmm, who is she?" The champagne haired man asked, slowly going near you, while also slowly putting his right hand under your chin.

You smacked his hand away though, earning a shocked expression from the three.

"Well well well, you're a feisty one, aren't you? I'm Asmodeus, the avatar of lust, 5th of the 7 brothers." He said smiling, slowly backing away from you.

Asmodeus then elbowed the blonde haired man, who later introduced himself as Satan, avatar of wrath.

All ended well anyway, leaving you and Mammon alone again in his room.

"So..." Mammon spoke up, but was cut off by you.

"I'm hungry." You said, holding your stomach.

"You remind me of Beel, but anyway, let's take you to the kitchen." Mammon said, opening his bedroom door, and you followed him.

"We can dine with my other brothers in the dining hall, if you want." Mammon said, taking a cola from the fridge.

"No thanks, I don't wanna be around people right now." You said, taking a muffin, and chewing on it.

"Well ok then, so what'dya wanna do after this?" He asked, sitting on the kitchen counter.

"Well, I don't know. Maybe hang out in your room again?" You took a huge bite from your muffin.

You never knew you'd enjoy a demon's company this much, let alone know that one of Mammon's kind was the one that killed your father. But you know damn well this guy can't bring himself to kill someone.

Just then, you guys heard munching too, but it sounded crispy, so of course it isn't a muffin or a cola. You looked to your right to see an orange-haired man, chomping down some lays chips.

"Eh? Beel?" Mammon called out, raising his right brow at the man.

The man didn't even bother to look at Mammon and just continued to chomp his food down.

"Seriously, what are ya doing here? Aren't y'all eating dinner right now?"

"The plates were empty already." The man said with his mouth full of food.

"Well, that's 100% possible.."

"Hey Beel! There you are! I've been looking all over for you." A new voice intervenes, coming from a man with dark indigo-grey colored hair.

"Oh, Belphie. I was getting some food." Beel answered calmly, now swallowing the food he was gobbling up a while ago.

"Let's go then Beel, I'm feeling sleepy." Belphie said, his 3 last words was said with a yawn.

The orange-haired man nodded, taking a whole lot ton of foods, and then both of them went upstairs.

Leaving you and Mammon to stare weirdly and awkwardly at each other.

“Um-”

“The orange-haired one was Beelzebub, and the other one is Belphegor, his twin.”

“Oh.”

And then you don’t have anything to say.

~~~~~

A month has passed, and everything went well. Although, you still can’t get used to the noisy quarrels the 7 brothers have. And it was almost everyday.

2 months has passed, and well, you just found yourself a rival. You didn’t even do anything, but she just keeps picking on you.

And yeah, that pissed you off. So, when she blabbered mean things about you, you had no choice but to knock out her tooth to keep her to shut up.

So, for atleast maybe a week, she stopped going near you.

Although, Lucifer isn't happy to hear the news and lectured you for like 3 hours straight.

3 months has passed, and yeah, you and Mammon have gotten close that the both of you would even hangout in each other's bedrooms. Of course, without getting caught with Lucifer's nightly curfew.

4 months has passed, and guess what, it's Mammon's birthday the next day so you decided to get him something. Although, you don't even know what to get him. So you went to his brothers and asked what he likes, and all their answers were "grimms".

You flopped down to your bed thinking what else to give him aside from grimms, but your mind was occupied by something else.

You never thought a day would come where you would miss your annoying friends and boring family, but I guess this is the day.

It has been 4 months, you know? And you miss the nostalgic feeling where you guys would play video games, drink milkteas, play truth or dare, and many more.

Sure, the seven brothers are fun, especially Mammon, but of course you'd miss the people who were with you the longest.

Thinking about the times of you and your friends, you eventually drifted off to sleep.

The next day, you wake up to realize how dumb you were. It's Mammon's birthday and you got him NOTHING.

Oh well, better prepare some grimms there then.

You knocked on Mammon's door, thinking he is still asleep, and guess what, you're right.

He's currently asleep in his bed, and he looks tired as hell.

"Guess Lucifer made you do a lot of things again huh." You thought, slowly sitting on the edge of the bed as to not wake him up.

But as soon as you sat down, Mammon groaned and opened his eyes. Oh well, guess that plan of slowly sitting down failed.

"Hey.. happy birthday!" You said, raising both your arms up in the air, smiling widely.

He just chuckled and sat up while rubbing his eyes, letting out a low raspy "thank you".

You can't help but smile at his sleepy form, as this kind of quiet side of him is something you don't see everyday.

"So, what do you want for your birthday?" You asked, cursing yourself inside that he'd answer grimms, obviously.

"Hmm... I was planning to go to the casino today, but I guess spending time with you won't be so bad either." He smiles at you, but you’re completely shocked and flustered.

So in the end, for the whole day, you guys went to places where you’ve never been, and you gotta say, it felt more like a date than a birthday.

~~~~~

“Today was awesome!” You said while entering his room, flopping down on his bed.

“Of course it is! The great Mammon came with you, after all!” He replied, and oh well, there goes his usual reply.

You say nothing, but just chuckled. And with that, the night continued on.

~~~~~

5 months passed and hell, things got busier and busier. You and Mammon barely even spend time together. But you can only blame Lucifer the culprit here, making the both of you do a lot more errands.

You seriously want to lay down on your bed and talk nonsense with Mammon, but you can’t, just by obviously looking at the stack of books right in front of you.

“Um... can’t I get an assistance with this or something?” You asked Lucifer, looking at him with a ‘fuck you’ look.

“No. Don’t be lazy, Y/n. Now go put them back.” He answered, not even looking at your miserable way.

You sighed and start putting those books back to the bookshelves.

Seriously, how dare he call you ‘lazy’ when looking at him, he’s seriously just relaxing and reading a book while drinking a fucking juice.

You really hate Lucifer. Especially that big ass pride of his. But you can’t really do anything about it, can you?

~~~~~

6 months finally passed and it’s time to celebrate.

This was actually the chillest month of all, and you had a lot of free time. So you and Mammon get to go back with hanging out almost everyday.

But within those months, you’ve come to realize how the other 6 brothers poorly treated Mammon. It’s as if he was not their brother at all.

Saturday night, and you come home to hear yet another quarrel from the brothers.

“Ugh, just die Mammon!”

“The next time you do this, I will hang you upside down for a day.”

“Seriously!? You’re annoying!”

“You’re very greedy.”

You heard those, and those were the last straw.

“Hey! What the hell!?” You barged and interrupted on their quarrel.

“Don’t involve yourself in this, Y/n.” Lucifer sighed, holding his forehead in his palm.

“You don’t get to tell me what to do, Lucifer, and Mammon’s my friend, and he’s your brother, so why are you treating him this way!?” You yelled at Lucifer, everyone shocked to see your outburst for the 1st time.

“Brother? Ha! I hope he isn’t!” Leviathan said, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes.

“What the fuck? I know all for you are demons, but seriously, you treat your brother this way? He may not be the best of all, he may not be the smartest, but that doesn’t mean you can treat him like this. It’s as if you’re talking more to a wall than to a brother. I heard all of you were once angels, but guess what, to me, all of you are evil, and Mammon is the only one who isn’t. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was an angel in disguise and all of you were the real demons from the start. So what if he’s greedy? He’s called avatar of greed for a reason! And yes, he is greedy! All he ever cares about is grimms, grimms, grimms, grimms, grimms, all grimms! But he’s the only one that’s been kind to me ever since I got here. And what about all of you? You’ve been using your stupid ass demon forms to scare the shit out of me, while Mammon here only used it to protect me. I’d understand it more if all of you became demons from angels. It’s Mammon who deserves better than all of you. Let's go Mammon.” You finished your rant, and pulled Mammon towards his room, leaving the brothers stunned.

Once the both of you entered Mammon’s room, you locked the door and turned to Mammon.

“Hey, are you oka-” You were cut off by the sight in front of you.

Mammon was looking down to you, tears coming out of his eyes. You can’t help but hug him, knowing for 5,000 years, he’s probably went through this a lot of times that he’s used to it, but with someone comforting and standing up for him, he’s not used to it.

Yes, Mammon’s a demon, but he too, has feelings.

“This guy is what they call a demon?” You questioned your thoughts, when all you could see was that this guy was no demon at all. It was as if he was just an angel in disguise.

For the rest of the night, you guys stayed there, enjoying each other’s comfort in each other’s arms.

[compassionatereminders]

Your inbox tag is so inviting, if it's okay I *will* talk to you, cause I'm in a bit of a painful pickle :(

I don't know if my partner is cheating, and it's driving me insane

Starting about a week ago, they (gender kept ambiguous to avoid any sort of instinctive judge mm sent - not that you're prone to it, but others tend to be) started behaving a little oddly. I noticed they were on Snapchat, but I couldn't see who they were snapping or what was being said. It only bothered me because normally they tell me 'I've been taking to my friend so-and-so', and they didn't mention at all that they were talking to anyone.

I stewed on it for a while, because I didn't want to make it a big deal if it wasn't. Except then they started hiding their phone screen. Like, tilting away from me in the car, screen brightness turned low, always keeping their phone in their pocket around me when it used to be out almost all the time.

We went out a few days ago and their behavior was odd again - I ended up snapping, "damn if you'd rather be elsewhere, sorry" . twenty minutes later, we talked about it - it was addressed immediately. Because here's the thing about my partner: they don't like unnecessary bullshit. I know that for a fact. They've been cheated on before in their prior relationship, they know it sucks. I'm not very attractive (I'm just kinda average), and I have very low self esteem - that is to say, I'm not easy to be around, but they make an effort to be around me anyway. Which is why my head is in such a tizzy. Since before and even after their weird behavior they've talked more frequently about us getting married one day, always being the one to bring it up first.

I think I know who they're messaging specifically, because I *know* they've been getting snaps from someone specific - I managed to see the name notification *once* - and after our little spat, they told me a number of friends they've been talking to, and pointedly didn't say the persons name.

I get friend recommendations based on their friends - we were looking over my phone, and that persons name was in the list ; my partner told me how they knew everyone else, but didn't even remark on that person.

I'm rambling, I'm sorry. I'm a little intoxicated. I'm just broken up about things, because I was so certain just two weeks ago that I was going to one day marry my partner, but now I can feel myself emotionally retracting "just in case," and I don't want to bring the topic up again because we had a long talk just yesterday about trust and I was placated until today, and I probably *do* have to bring it up, but I don't want to cause a rift for 'not trusting them' especially if it IS nothing;;; but I don't want to (potentially) be mollified by gentle words, because I *DO* trust that they mean what they say---aHHH I don't want conversations I want FACTS

:'(((( they're a good person, they are. I'm hard to be around, and hard to be with. They wouldn't put up with me if they didn't genuinely care. I'm just scared because I *also* genuinely care.

Their Snapchat score went up by 14 in 45 minutes, I'm taking another shot of alcohol ;;;;;

I think you have to confront it. Because whether this is actually happening or not, walking around with these suspicions and insecurities without communicating about it will negatively affect the relationship even if your partner isn't actually cheating on you. So the worst thing you can do is sit with this in silence and let the bitterness and paranoia snowball into a chain reaction you won't be able to stop