#also just remembered that one of them was my trans boyfriend's ex and they had a Huge problem with him being a man

[forcebookish]

god do not trust queers who hate gay men

[manicpixiedckgirl]

okay, so i posted a timeline. sue me! i quit all other social media last year and needed that dopamine hit. just a lil nicotine patch for online attention. seasonal depression is a bitch okay. i posted it here and to ig, bc ig is to late millennials what facebook is boomers. and people have all said some very nice things, but when you're posting a 10 year timeline, you're usually hoping for someone from your past to see it and go "woah! you're so different now"!

and whaddya know, this time it worked. one of my exes from when i was a teenager saw it. not one of the ones who turned out to be a lesbian, one of the ones who turned out to be a trans man. He just wanted to say hi - that he was so happy to see that i looked happy, and that i looked incredible, especially compared to the scruffy twink they had dated. (okay those are my words not his)

he and I didn’t have a great relationship at first - no one had a great relationship with me before i realized i was a trans woman obviously, but this was pretty young. I was really repressed and weird back then, and still very much without any social graces, and we were only like 16. they caught the full broadside of my emo fuckboy energy and got out fast once they saw that - i don’t blame them. I was crying in their arms about how much i hated my new body hair, and how i wanted to be able to wear dresses, and the next day i’d be completely emotionally unavailable and denying all of it. not exactly boyfriend material, not entirely boyfriend. They were very traumatized too in their own way, just realizing they were trans too, and engaging in a lot of ‘i want to be a gay man’ antics, fucking their way through the pain. He was frankly way too cool and sexually liberated to be wasting his time with that version of me. And it was very obvious to everyone who knew what that was 12-15 years ago that i was a closeted trans girl. we had a friend group that eventually fell apart, and we parted for the first time.

Later, in our late teens/20, we would end up fucking - i had started to accept and announce that my gender was complicated, and i was starting to be kinda faggy and loud about it, and not everyone hated that, and they had just started T and were boy horny. We split a bottle of wine (or was it two? It was probably two) and started watching an ashley tisdale movie. Looking back on it, how it went must definitely have been his plan, but i’ve always been blind about this stuff and was that night. It was definitely bad sex, but it was also fun sex - the first time I enjoyed myself,  and the pressure of having to be a guy wasn’t so overwhelming i didnt effectively black out. he’s one of the first people i ever talked to about feeling complicated about gender, and i think by then he had figured me out, and was just letting me get the rest of the way on my own. I still couldn’t top for him, i never rly could top for anyone, even before estrogen. but we still had fun, with our hands and with our mouths. and then after that, we'd go to art shows and poetry readings and hang out again occasionally, like we talked about doing when we were literal kids, putting on rocky horror in our front rooms.

but life takes you away from people, and he got into film school, and i somehow graduated my chemistry program and moved to the US. he moved to Germany for a while, although i hear he's back home. i got married, got separated, there was a global pandemic. we hadn't talked in years, although i had snooped on him once or twice. He’s a director now - he’s made some impressive arthouse films, all horror and gender and kitchy campy cerebral themes. He’s got a big tv writing credit on the way in irish tv. Idk - it felt rly good to impress him, to say hi, to remember. it's really cool to see other trans people thriving and living life, always. anyone who cleaves reality to themselves and fashions themselves into someone they can love is someone who impresses me. but it's different when it's someone you've known for almost half your life - someone you were a fucked up kid with, not sure if either of you would make it to 18. and to be smiling at each other, looking at 30, and wondering what's next. i'm really proud of the both of us actually. and i needed that today.

[iowasi]

This post is inspired by the second episode of Kimball Anderson's podcast, "By The Wayside," which is entitled "High Risk - Greg." So far there are only two episodes of this podcast available, but I would absolutely recommend giving them both a listen; each one is only a bit over twenty minutes long. If you like the stories and are interested in monetarily supporting her work, Kimball and her partner Laurel have a Patreon page that will allow you to do so.

The following will contain tws for: transphobia (and internalized transphobia), internalized biphobia/lesbophobia, identity struggles, COVID-19, etc. It is more of a general, rambling post, but I will do my best to make sense as to what this episode made me feel.

"High Risk - Greg" is the fictional (but realistic) story of a disabled gay man navigating the new world created by the COVID-19 pandemic. He struggles in a world that is uncaring towards him and his medical condition, and a family that supports him but... not all the way. In addition, he has new feelings about his girlfriend, Kay -- who, up until recently in the story, he knew as his boyfriend. When Kay starts to transition, Greg supports her. However, he is unsure of what this now means for his own identity, and struggles with the fear that HIS identity and health problems are holding her back from who SHE is truly meant to be.

This story really hit me deeply. One of my ex-partners (who I no longer have contact with and therefore don't know the true extent of their identity changes) started transitioning while we had been dating.

At that point, before they came out to me as a trans man, I was fairly certain that I was a lesbian. I had multiple failed high school relationships with multiple boyfriends, and since I was a "late bloomer" into realizing I was queer at all... I just figured that maybe I wasn't actually bi at all either. After all, I had conflicting feelings towards all my past boyfriends, not helped by the fact that the last longterm one had been emotionally abusive, and the one I dated for two weeks over a summer term tried to get me drunk, alone with him, in his apartment.

On the drive home to my family for winter holidays, I cried while they slept in the passenger seat. Was I wrong about myself? Was I wrong to them for not knowing if I would still feel attraction towards them if they went through with transitioning? Was my identity not as solid as I needed it to be?

The relationship did not end on a happy note like "Greg." I switched back to the lesbian label after they broke it off, even though I was still unsure if that was what really fit me. I remember them venting about it on their blog, and feeling horrible but also angry (definitely immaturely). I didn't do it to hurt them; I did it because I was trying to find myself.

This is a process that has never become easier for me.

I think back on that relationship sometimes, especially today because of this podcast episode, and I wish I could've done things better. I wish I could've magically known who I was, or how to navigate awkward young adult queer relationships. That wasn't the case, and it will never be the case, but I can't help but wish I somehow had the answers.

I really appreciate Kimball for making such a thoughtful series so far, and I'm excited to hear more episodes in the future. It definitely hurts to have to reflect on past failures, and what they mean about me as a person, but I think it is truly important as a way to figure out who I actually am.

[spookfished]

nov 2023 media roundup

hello again :3 welcome to the world from 2024!! im doing backlogs of media reviews lol. well i was really busy. and then i was super busy playing umineko!! looking back at this month, it seems like i didnt read a whole lot this month, but then i forgot that ruzhui is literally 300 chapters long. so.. a couple of these i read uh quite a few months ago by now so the review might be a bit stale. however i had like 80% of this written for several weeks so theres only a couple! this will be posted on my neocities at some point

books:

ruzhui by please dont laugh: f/f. after a terrible breakup, college yun an is happy to leave her life behind for some TIME TRAVEL! but while disguising herself as a man to avoid discrimination, she gets looped into a matrilocal marriage with businesswoman lin buxian?! intended as a fluffy palate cleanser after pdl's previous work a clear and muddy loss of love, i think it still kinda ended up getting mired in politics two thirds of the way in, when a lot of us were here for the moments with miss malewife yun an and her powerhouse wife? on the other hand, its hard to stretch out fluff for an entire 300 chapters without contriviances. i also really enjoyed how it managed to balance like. idk. 'returning to the simple emotions of the past' with 'holy shit guys the past actually sucked ass lmfao'. its a pretty relaxing read, so id recommend checking it out if youre into f/f!

the devil comes courting by courtney milan: f/m romance. can romance bloom while trying to create the first telegraphic encoding for chinese...? sooo cute im a huge fan of courtney milan as always. surprisingly goes into some pretty heavy topics including like. forced assimilation via child stealing?????? i thought it was well handled though the ldr stuff and the way amelia grows as a person was soo nice

the marquis who mustnt by courtney milan: f/m romance. the son of a conman returns home for one final trick. meanwhile, naomi just wants to take her medic class. the two become engaged on false premises and of course, catch feelings. once again extremely cute im very charmed. also liked the pottery details :3 i think in every fake engagement the whole 'pretending to themselves they dont have feelings' is a little ridiculous so i liked that they just like. acknowledged it at the outset. i think its honestly more compelling to be like 'yes my feelings are sincere and true however X still outweighs '. loove a guy shackled by duty

wandering souls by cecile pin: follows anh and her two siblings, refugees of the vietnam war. ok honestly i dont remember a lot about this book :( sorry but i did like it! its a really fast read and made me really sad so id recommend. (DISCLAIMER: AMERICAN) i also feel like i dont read a lot of non-american diaspora books so thats pretty interesting as well. nice prose also :]

detransition baby by torrey peters: a trans woman who yearns for motherhood, her detransitioned ex-boyfriend, and his pregnant partner struggle to find a way to live--together, or apart? ok sorry this is another review written in january so its kinda weighted more negatively. i had a LOT of thoughts about this in november but i forgot most of them. this novel is a deep look into a very specific kind of queer subculture--a subculture which is both very white and very annoying. sorry. the characters feel like a vivid, true-to-life depiction of the poeple i try to avoid at my little liberal arts college. however, it ALSO feels like the kind of really good gossip that you love to hear secondhand. also, the author shoehorns in discussions of race in ways that are really jarring and also, kinda bad? i honestly really loved the inner voices of all the characters which is why it sucked when i got to suddenly read a copy-pasted twitter thread about intersectional oppression instead. (especially coming from the mouth of a cis wasian woman..?) it feels all the more tokenistic since we immediately go back to the inner struggles of ames and reese instead. ugh. however, it sparked some really interesting conversations with me and my friends. i also got to learn more about ah i guess transfem detransition? as opposed to transmasc detransition. they are very different! um but i guess id recommend?

comics/manga:

surviving romance: action/horror webtoon?? the woman living in the body of a romance novel character is determined to get her picture-perfect happy ever after-- at all costs. everything goes according to plan until the day zombies attack the school. chaerin is forced to bond with the faceless extras of her story, and find out what is rotting at the core of *love every day*. very solid writing!! i like how the author gradually introduces characters, and how the tension ratchets up as more people to care for becomes more people that can be lost. definitely goes into some orv-lite type themes, which i appreciated. i guess my only complaint is that despite the solid execution it didnt really ~wow~ me in any way... still worth checking out though :3

run away with me girl by battan: f/f romanceish? two high school lovers meet again after midori decided that their relationship was just a childish whim. but even though midori has decided shes straight (and is married with a kid on the way!), maki still has feelings for her. dude soooo cute the art style is not personally my thing but i felt like all of the characters were really grounded and the introspective parts were really interesting. some beautifully atmospheric parts! would recommend :3 witch hat atelier kitchen (reread) by shirahama kamome: a spinoff of witch hat atelier, where the two teachers qifrey and olrugio make food together after hours! gorgeous art as always, and some cute recipes too! i reread this since an official english translation came out lol. monotone blue: short furry m/m about apathetic, aloof cat hachi, who meets aoi--a shy transfer student who happens to be the only lizard in the whole school. pretty lighthearted for the most part, but also heavily implied a sexual assault scene?? or at least the vibes?? in a way that treated it far too lightly and left a bad taste in my mouth. possibly worth reading for the art, but idk :/ definitely falls into the romance trap of having a love interest go "ill save you from these bad guys!" for like a cheap plot device and then not really going into it

movies/tv:

parasite: class-focused comedic thriller? the kim family finds a way out of choking poverty by working for the extremely affluent park family. its almost too easy--until it isnt. man everyone says parasite is so good. AND IT IS!!! i cant believe i took so long to see this movie i got to see it with some friends over thanksgiving break and it was so good :] had me stressed for my fucking life sitting at the edge of my seat. has a lot of meat to bite into analysis-wise but is also just so crushing in many ways.. the ending stuck in my head for a long time. rewatching it this january was honestly more stressful in some ways haha

revolutionary girl utena: allegory-heavy commentary on shoujo and princess narratives and the nature of heroism and-- f/f. utena is a girl who aspires to be just like the prince of her dreams. she is somehow wrapped up into an engagement with anthy himemiya, who calls herself "the rose bride." ahhhh i still havent watched the last two episodes actually. people always say "utena is a fantastic show but PLEASE mind every single trigger warning" and its true! utena tackles some really heavy subjects in a way that is delicate, understated, and vicious. i watched a bunch of these episodes late at night in the computer lab and they honestly left me breathless. has so many layers of symbolism to dig through that it can honestly be overwhelming, but also very compelling just on the surface! watch utena. also watch this amv https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THN3gYKYojs

the wonderful story of henry sugar: a netflix adaptation of one of roald dahls stories (within a story). it was cute :3 not a lot of sticking power lol but i think this is the first wes anderson production ive ever watched. very visually distinctive!

video games:

lethal company: cooperative horror game about trying to collect garbage in a dystopically capitalist world ft. proximity chat! dude this game is blowing tf up i tried playing it with neil but 1. we are huge pussies 2. its really only feasible with 3+ people

music:

TILT by nanoray: anime breakcore is one of my truly guilty pleasures. i see the anime girl on the cover and cringe a little bit HOWEVER nanoray is a really good artist. the intro is so liquid... i think the album as a whole really just sweeps you up into a groove. some of my favorite tracks are into and DOGWALK2000 THE LONELIEST TIME by carly rae jepsen: i was so mean to carly rae jepsen in middle school. im so sorry miss jepsen i was just so tired of hearing call me maybe everywhere. im now a changed man. just a really well constructed pop album 👍admittedly not as iconic to me as emotion, but joshua tree and talking to yourself are my favorites atm SAYONARA WILD HEARTS OST: ive never played sayonara wildheart, but i think its a rhythm game about girls fighting each other on motorcycles? with bisexual lighting and tarot cards? but anyways this is a synth-y lush pop album thats super fun! it feels like it tells a story (probably bc it does) and it always makes me want to listen all the way through :3 my favorites are sayonara wild heart and their clair de lune remix

anyways if you read to the end, thanks as always! its really interesting to try and condense my thoughts about something into one paragraph.. sometimes its easier than others huh! im almost done with the december one so please look forward to that 👍

[some-teeth-in-a-trench-coat]

Aight let me try to establish some things about this thing which may or may not end up being part of the Moth Wizard universe just so I can tell myself that I'm not neglecting that to start a new project.

Concept background: I had a dream there was a TV show where a group of 5ish young adults being found dead together covered in blood so some mysterious figure brings them back to life hoping they'll avenge themselves, and leaves without realizing they all came back wrong and with amnesia and don't even know their own names let alone who killed them but they return to their lives and try to figure out who they're supposed to be without letting anyone know what happened to them while also trying to find the killer. They're also undead and don't feel pain or bleed or die so that's another thing they have to try to hide. They sometimes get flashbacks and glimpses at their lost memories and one plot point I remember coming from this was that one of them remembered kissing a girl and assumed that was her girlfriend and kissed her publicly then found out she had a boyfriend and she tried to save it by saying she was tired of being in the closet but the girl she kissed hates her now because she was also in the closet and she outed her even though she promised it would be a secret! Also I'm pretty sure the undead characters were mostly rivals, exes, and similarly having beef with each other when they were alive, which made it suspicious that they were so friendly all of a sudden (because being resurrected together is a binding experience and so is being the only people who know you're dead).

What I've additionally decided about the characters since: There's exactly five of them, two girls, two boys, one enby, and one of each binary gender is cis. The enby (any pronouns) has a beard and I will not tell you her AGAB. The lesbian in the aforementioned plot point is the cis girl, but only because of like a closeted lesbian who is cis is a different situation socially from a closeted lesbian who is trans like if you're already openly trans you can't play the unassuming cishet by getting a boyfriend and if you're still in the closet about being trans you have even less reason to date a boy if you're not into boys y'know? (I will acknowledge that some eggs misinterpret their gender feelings as homosexuality but if she's closeted as a lesbian she'd probably be closeted as a gay man too and I'm putting way too much thought into this sorry) To remedy this I've decided she ends up falling in love with the trans girl later on. Oh also several of their genders change slightly when they die, mostly just flavor changes like adding pronouns and such, but the one who was a cis guy when he was alive is agender now (he/they/it). They killed his freaking gender man that's messed up. One of them (can't decide who but not the cis girl she can't hog all the plot) is Jewish bc apparently I need to have Jewish main characters and their arc will focus on Judaism and how their relationship with it changes with everything they go through. They're Ashkenazi mainly because that's what I'm most familiar with and qualified to write and if I write something else I'm going to accidentally make it Ashkenazi at some point simply because I didn't know a thing was exclusively an Ashkenazi thing. They're conservative/Masorti because I think that's the context I want their arc to take place in, based on my understanding of different communities, not so strict that they would break a hundred mitzvot on their first undead day that they wouldn't have broken in life or that they'll have too significant problems if they become less observant during their character arc, but not so relaxed that they wouldn't be properly accommodated if they become more observant during their character arc (e.g. shul not keeping Shabbat or family not keeping kosher), but I'll be the first to admit that my perspective on this is mainly informed by a modern orthodox perspective and some of my assumptions may be wrong and this lore is not set in stone. My general idea for their arc is before dying they're not the most religious but they do care and participate in the culture, but after dying, most of their connection is gone because they don't remember it, and they feel further alienated from it by the fact that they're forced to pretend to be the person who did care before they've had a chance to figure out why they should care. There's conflict, there's questions about their death and undeath and how being undead isn't really compatible with a complete rejection of faith (although you certainly can make up whatever explanation you want, it's not like necromancy and zombies prove Hashem is real specifically, but like you must accept that something exists that can mess with death itself), and eventually I, as a future convert, do want them to find their way back home, on their own terms, and I think they'll be closer to it when they've done so. Also this paragraph was meant to be shorter than the last wow mission failed.

Questions to be asking: First of all which one of you is Jewish? Second of all should it be more than one? Thirdly what are y'all's names and like what cultures do the gentiles have going on and on a connected note races (in my dream they were all white but I have the conscious power to do better)? How old are these kids?? What are the other plots everyone's got something going on not just the lesbian and the Jew what do the rest have going on? Where was I going with this post I forgot somewhere along the way explaining everything I do know? What do I call this story?

Not a question: Who is the killer? I know who the killer was, it was revealed in the season finale in my dream but I'm not spoiling it :P

[computerpeople]

i wish i could figure out how to put how i feel about misogyny into words. i think a lot about it's role in my existence as a transman and i wish it was easier to talk about. i hate all the arguments about "all men includes trans men" or "but but but but transmen are except from hating men right?!" or whatever because thats never been an issue for me i guess. if someone hates all men im either included or unincluded depending on their definition, and im fine with that, i don't really care. as a transmasc, i am both able to perpetuate misogyny and also be a victim of it.

my issue is that everything i have ever done and will do will be wrapped in a blanket of misogyny. growing up i was a tomboy, and an ugly girl. i knew those things abouyt myself from the get go, probably because i was put into ballet at a very very young age (1-2 years old) and that taught me many things about myself, mosrly about how i don't fit in with other girls. i was assumed to be a lesbian by my parents, and confirmed this after i started dating my now ex boyfriend, who was also openly a lesbian at the time. and that followed me for years. no one around me cared that we were two transmascs, that we used boy names and he/him pronouns and were more openly transgender than anything else. we were the middleschools raging bulldyke couple. we were called carpet munchers and dykes and forced to sit apart from eachother in classes because us being next to eachother caused too much upheaval in OTHER students. he was able to transition easily, with social support, because he had money, he had loving parents, and most importantly: he was skinny and attractive. when people began to take his identity more seriously, they didn't spare me the same grace. i was still seen as an ugly, fat girl dating a guy out of my league, i had people tell me he only dated me because id accept his gender, that i was a fujo for wanting to date him, etc etc. all while i was also openly trans. i got misgendered, i was the ugly girl. he got to be a boy.

nothings changed. im 22 years old, im on testosterone, and i am still treated like an inconvenient, shitty, loud tomboyish ugly girl. i am constantly sexually harrassed by people who think it is attractive that i am openly an ugly girl. they ask me to have sex with them, to see if they "like men" but i know what they want. theyh want to bang me as a woman. they want to use me as a woman. they comment on me when i get on my knees, saying thats where i belong and where i should remember my place is. they slap me on the ass to get a feel and tell me its because thats what "boys" do to eachother. they call me ugly, they say every single unadulterated thing they ever want to say to a woman to me, because its cool right? im just one of the boys? so that gives them free reign to say all that shit to me? to cop a feel? bros just hug eachother all the time, i swear im not trying to feel where your nipples are in your binder. ignore me shifting you around, its unrelated. i am seen as stupid, i am seen as lesser, and i am seen as a sex toy. an ugly girl who thinks shes "strong" enough to handle the boys, andf theyll make sure i learn how stupid and ugly i am for thinking that. theyll make sure i get put back in my place.

i am not seen as a guy. i don't think that'll ever be my truth. i am seen as an ugly girl, and it will continue to follow me for the rest of my life. i wish that testosterone was not seen as this magic, amazing drug that makes everyone pass. i have been on it. ive grown my facial hair. ive deepened my voice. but i am seen as nothing but an ugly girl who forgot to shave. an ugly girl who needs to be reminded who i am.

[butchwink]

my first gf and i held hands at recess, never talked and dated for three months cause our friends thought we looked cute together

my second gf i only asked out so that id get in less trouble at school for interfering when my friend sexually harassed her. she sexually harassed me and beat me. forced me to do a lot of sexual things i didnt want to do. in public too lol. she was the most racist piece of shit i ever dated. who remembers jeff dunham and his terrorist friend?? she made me watch so much of this piece of shit

my third girlfriend was fun but idk we never hung out at school cause her ex was one of my best friends so it was awkward

my fourth girlfriend was my first partner to be my best friend and the first breakup that hurt. she wanted sex and i wasnt ready. so she went to sleep with that same guy whose ex i dated a year earlier

my fifth girlfriend was in college and she turned out to be a lesbian. she helped me come out as a girl and basically ghosted after a few months. she was the biggest bully out of all of them. better than me at everything and refusing to see me as anything less than a pathetic embarassment.

but i was her first so it was never going to last forever. i always knew that. especially with her. she wanted a first boyfriend experience and she got it.

i was as much of a virgin as she was and i didnt start having sex until jasper started forcing me to because it was the best solution they could think of for my suicidal ideation (no really. and then they called me the rapist. they wouldnt let me decline).

by this point i was hooking up with people just because theyd ask. it was always awkward. sometimes id ask because i felt it was expected of me and forgot who initiated shit. one of my partners stole my electric violin

then i met liz, which was my first partner that was nonbinary (we skipped a cis boyfriend earlier) but they only came out after we met (theyre cafab). they were my second partner to be open to me about their autism (we skipped a cis boyfriend earlier) and the first partner where i felt like i was treated as an equal. i should talk to them again :( i dumped them because emma barelled into my life and left me heartbroken

jack was the next partner to also come out as transmasc (life of a trans lesbian, if you get used by trans guys and cant say shit). we played a lot of pokemon together. i got into the card game with them and wed go to karaoke a lot. they were a real friend and i broke up with them to be monogamous. but then they made me and my trans gf show up to pride only to ghost us theyre a real fucking asshole

shann was the cis girl i gave up polyamoury for. she was one of the best gfs i had. showered me with gifts and affection. but she also wanted a lot of sex so like whatever its just work at this point. i started going to uottawa again cause she was a student there. wed cook meals together and hang out almost every day. my mental health spiraled out of control after she left for toronto and i landed in the hospital for two months and i lost my housing. she wanted to have sex one last time before breaking up and she ended up sexually assaulting me. then i was homeless for the first time as an adult where i couldnt access the youth shelters.

wren was my first trans girlfriend. i had hooked up with trans girls before but never dated one. of course were nonbinary so yeah transmascs its ok were like this too lmao. she was my first partner where we lived together because we both lost our housing as soon as we started seeing each other. we screamed at each other more than any relationship before this. i threw a knife at her once. eventually she called the cops and got us both arrested. it was a whole thing im not getting into it. she was also autistic. i miss her lots

and lys was my most recent partner that wasnt long distance. they liked plants and theyre the coolest person ive dated by far. they showed me how to love life again. too bad they chose lily over me as a friend and told me to get therapy

[foxxdoolz]

Journal (6-16-24)

I started thinking about journaling because I have to for my class, I was given a little paper book and everything. I think part of me believes I don't want to be a burden with my thoughts, even to something as simple as a cheap little notebook.

Love is a strange concept for me.

I'm very quick to throw love to people who are friends, have even been quick to say love to drunken strangers that stumble into my pizza shop. And I love my parents, my family, my friends, my coworkers (some of them).

But romantic love has always seemed so foreign to me.

I've had boyfriends and girlfriends, I've been on dates. Some dates. Okay, okay, one date when I wasn't actively in a relationship with someone.

The first person I ever dated was my best friend in seventh grade. I found out they liked me, and I didn't want to hurt their feelings, so I asked them out first. Nowadays, I wish I hadn't, because they were my best friend for so long, and we lost that for not even two weeks of terrible kissing. She used way too much tongue, and, like, was constantly spamming it into my teeth. It was weird, it was gross. She liked me a lot more than I liked her.

We tried to stay friends afterwards, were friends for quite a few years, but we drifted apart, and I don't remember the last time I talked to her. I wish I could have said how much she meant to me, to have a friend like her all those years, even if our lives were just moving in different directions. She was my first kiss, I named a guitar after her because that seems like the thing you should do. I don't even own the guitar anymore, it's at my brother's house, I think, her name swirled on it.

My second sort of relationship, it sorta wasn't, but it was the second person I ever kissed. Junior year of high school, and they were also my friend. We hung out, they wanted to make out a little, I agreed because I learned nothing from my past relationship. We made out occasionally, and that's all it ever was. They liked me a lot more than I liked them.

It could've been more maybe, not that I particularly wanted it to be, but both of us just didn't have the time for it. I prioritized work and school, tried to keep them close as a friend. I think they're happier now. They used to always making jokes and being a clown, hiding behind it. I'm pretty sure they're either nonbinary or trans now, and they seem a lot more comfortable in their skin when I see their posts on Instagram.

My third, and so far, only ever relationship, was my senior year of high school. It was interesting the time frame of it all. I had just made out with my previous ex semi-recently, like within the last week, when, suddenly, I was hanging out with a new friend in his car, he kissed me, I kissed back, he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes. I don't know why I said yes, I think I just really liked hanging out with them.

He liked me a lot more than I liked him. He told me he loved me within the first two months, and I couldn't say it back. I should've ended it then, but for the next four months, I had that looming over my head. Constantly thinking about it, constantly feeling like a shitty person. We tried to have sex, it didn't work out.

He dumped me over the phone, my friend, who was also my ex (sorta), who was also my boyfriend's friend, was sitting next to me in my car in the Sonic parking lot. I remember my friend asking me if I was okay, and I was. I was very okay with it actually, happy about it maybe?

A month and a half before I moved away from home, he called me drunk one late night, and even though I didn't love him like he wanted me to, I still cared about him as a person, cared that he was safe. So I went and picked him up, made sure he hadn't over done it. He asked if I ever wanted to try again, or, like, hookup occasionally or something. I turned him down. I don't think either of us got the closure we wanted. The thing I'm most upset about is the fact I think I left one of my favorite pairs of Vans at his house.

The only date I've ever been on, that was truly a date-date while not in a relationship, was a few months after I moved to LA. We had a meet-cute. I thought she was cute as we both walked around the little record store we were in. I kept looking over at her, very subtly checking her out because she was cute with her pink hair. I'd find her looking back at me.

She had left way before I had, I had records to find, and when I left, I found her waiting for me. We planned a cute picnic-movie date at a park, and it was very cute and fun, and she was super cool and I liked talking to her. But it dawned on me, as we were leaving, that I just really liked hanging out with her, I didn't see her romantically.

When she texted to say she had a lot of fun and tried to invite me to another date, I had finally learned something, and told her I didn't see her that way. She was upset, she liked me a lot more than I liked her. A few months later and she texted me to see if she had done anything wrong, which seems like a weird thing to ask someone you went on one date with and not actually ever kissed or anything, and I told her no. She seemed pretty awesome for the few moments I spent in her orbit, and I just had things I needed to figure out on my end.

Relationships, dating, is weird. I just wanna like hang out with hot people and maybe make out a little. Is that so much to ask?

When I go to the club, I love making out with strangers, I think I just like kissing a little. Never more than a little soft groping over the clothes, and bodies pressed together.

I don't really get sex either. I don't understand the big deal with it, or anything. I've been flittering around with the thought of asexual for years now, but I really love making out.

There's more to this story, but I need to go to bed.

As a teaser to myself, I wanna talk about the few people in my life I've felt romantically towards.

-PCD

[hellscape-halogens]

"I’m the one that you need and fear / Now that you’re hooked, it’s all becoming clear / That all your judgments that you placed on me was a reflection of discovery." - Whore by In This Moment

Trigger Warning: SA/rape within relationships, brief CSA mention, explicit menstruation talk, brief description of consensual/ambiguous consent sexual experiences

(If I need to add more please let me know and I will immediately edit and add them)

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I can't stop these feelings of... I don't know. Disgust? Anger? Fear? All three maybe?

All I can feel is my ex touching me all over my body again. His rough skin... how he smelled... I feel so gross. I feel dirty. Rotten.

Plus all the awful periods I used to get every few months when I was with him... the blood clots... how impossibly huge they were but always having normal results every time I went to see a doctor. How often I was sick... and how suddenly I stopped having those awful periods with abnormally huge, clumpy clots but my periods were still never the same after we broke up.

I remember always telling myself "At least it ended with my grandfather, at least it didn't continue." And then I started thinking about how sexual abuse and rape within relationships exist.

16 year old me just thought "well, I have a boyfriend now... and I owe it to him, I can't just say no if he has the urge." And to be honest, I was so high most of the time back then that not only did I not have the capacity to consent, I didn't have the ability to care either. I also never questioned his undying obsession/fantasy with wanting to impregnate me. It was just what it was. It's what I thought was normal within the relationship.

I can't remember anything my ex ever did to me aside from once or twice when he was touching me and refusing to stop even when I asked/begged/demanded, and a titjob that I barely consented to (which he insulted my breast size and said my chest was "too small" when in reality he just had a small dick and poor form). I remember the consensual stuff we I did.

He was also extremely insecure about his sexuality, and insisted I was his "special exception" to his whole straight boy persona. No hate toward people who do have special exceptions, it's just my ex fetishizes the fuck out of trans men (specifically femboys and pre-op/pre-HRT). Big time. He's the reason I can't stand to sit and watch M*A*S*H or MacGuyver anymore without wanting to break down crying, I can't even listen to Fall Out Boy anymore without getting uncomfortable.

Anyway I'm sort of losing my train of thought... I'm extremely exhausted.

One silver lining I guess is that after I broke up with my ex and told our mutual friends everything he did to me and why we broke up, they all immediately dropped his ass and ceased communication with him. I also learned that my ex never got over me, and is still heavily into denial about his sexuality.

He made friends with another male friend of mine briefly, and ended up making a total ass of himself (sending unsolicited dick pics, harassment, intimidation tactics, and just sending all out hardcore gay porn videos). And the fact that he's still undateable even five years later is the sweetest icing on this hideous cake.

I forgot what I was going to say after that. I'm just gonna sign off here and go to bed.

Thanks for listening to me, Tumblr, even if you don't always respond.

-Sal

Source: Pinterest

[hjellacott]

We talk a lot about our negative experiences with trans people, and perhaps because of that, I have been feeling luckier to have trans friends who give me a drastically different, very positive and wonderful kind of experience, and I thought I'd comment on it here a bit to give a bit of hope to my feminist friends who feel like they'll never be able to be friends with trans people.

I've talked about them several times here, but if you're new to my Tumblr, pretty much 90% of my friends are gays and lesbians, because we work in the arts and you know how that goes, and a small portion of them have come out as trans in the last few years, including an ex-girlfriend (who's now ex-boyfriend) and a couple MtF friends. I have more "mates" who are trans, but I'd rather only talk about those actual friends close enough to me for me to know their stories better.

One of my most recent experiences of absolute light with them came when one of my MtF friends, who I've known for about a decade now, and I went out for lunch one day. We live in different countries now, so we don't meet often, and the last time I'd seen her, she didn't look like a woman at all just yet. And I remember when she identified as a gay man, she used to be very unhappy with her hair. She has this thickly curly hair that as a man, she kept short because she didn't want people to call her feminine or anything (this was when we were teens, for context), and now she's let her hair grow. It's long, blonde, and super curly, and GORGEOUS. And I was frustrated with my hair because it's quite wavy too, but I can never manage to keep the waves from looking entangled, so we sat, and over a wonderful lunch at a bar, she told me all the tricks and I was thinking HOLD MY BEER! I don't have to spend hours trying to figure out "women's things" ever again! Now I've got this friend who'll look everything up and help me out! Yes! And anyway, it was so much fun. She's also helped me manage heels a little better (because I was always a tomboy but now I'm expected to wear heels at work, and I suck), and in exchange, I'm giving her tips about bras, shaving, and make-up, but also, it's not like being a woman is just "womanly" things, so we're having to talk about other stuff, and I've found SUCH A JOY discussing stuff like feminism with her, and introducing her to concerns that, as a man, she never had to deal with, and that now are part of her day to day. She's become so much more understanding of women's problems, so much more empathetic, and it's only made our relationship better, so my heart swells every time I see her.

But perhaps the one that made me the happiest recently came with my ex, actually. He's been trying to be more "manly", and trying to change his clothes. I mean he always dressed in a rather "manly" way ANYWAY but still, he insisted. And he's German and I haven't been able to visit him in Germany in ages, so instead he's been sending me pictures modelling for me and it brings tear to my eyes, because I knew him when he identified as a lesbian woman and was depressed as fuck all the time because she didn't feel comfortable in who she was, and now I see this goofy dude being like "aren't I handsome with this shirt?" and the light is BACK in his eyes, and I cannot put into words how it feels like to see someone be brought back to life just by looking the way they feel is right.

[thundergoodspeed]

Yo do realize that people are fully capable of realizing they're gender queer and trans later on in life, right? The same goes with people who realize they're not straight. Case in point, lesbians can have ex-boyfriends from 5+ years prior to finding out they're even a lesbian.

That is the whole point of all of this. Reading up on your mutuals' rules and pinned posts every-so-often is important so you don't misgender the mun and their muses. Your argument is completely and utterly invalid.

Also, where's the proof that this person edited their pronouns? It's literally your word against theirs. You do know that, right?

i will humor you because this is worded civilly, and address your qualms one at a time, shall i?

yes. i didn't realize i was genderfluid until i was in my mid- to late-20s. my previous ex was not my gf at the time, but since we've broken up she found out she was trans. i also did not realize i was sex-repulsed asexual until after we broke up. i am fully aware of, and fully endorse, people who do not know they're trans until later in life.

i don't see how it is invalid when the proof i have is directly from the staff's post. you can even backtrack to the post itself, before i ever reblogged it, and see that i didn't alter it except to re-add and edit what they already said (and add an emoji). and yes, it is imperative to re-read rules every so often. particularly because i have the attention span of a magpie even when reading them so i often read rules several times before interacting or responding to an interaction.

i do not have the proof that this person edited their pronouns. i already stated this. i never claimed to have the proof. i only claimed to have the proof that their word is highly likely to have been edited. the proof they had is that they posted it before community labels were implemented, meaning the only way it could have a community label is if it was edited. so their screenshot is moot. it would be perfectly sound proof on their part if it did not have that label, but as it stands, their screenshot is useless to prove their own point. they could have had the same pronouns the whole time, and i'm just remembering wrong. or they could have edited it in later, and by some coincidence never remembered to tell the people they were closest to that their pronouns had changed. i don't know about you, but when i realized i was not cis, i told everyone my new pronouns, but this person--by the two accounts i've heard--never corrected anyone on their new pronouns.

it is my word against theirs, i agree with you there. i believe i'm in the right. i think it's safe to say they believe they're in the right. all i want out of this is for people to examine all angles and judge for themselves what part of the situation they think is the correct one, without only relying on one source (you know, like a stereotypical facebook mom). because as it stands this is only hurting everyone involved.

i appreciate you giving me the chance to clarify, as it seems i evidently didn't state my point clearly enough. please continue to come to me with anything you didn't understand about my posts, and i'll be glad to continue clarifying.

[moon-cycling]

lately I’ve been thinking about people having their little religious epiphanies, one day realizing that everything they have been taught is misguided or untrue. Through one way or another, many ex religious people have some experience or learn some information that shatters everything for them, having to rebuild their faith and view of the world.

I never had this experience, because I realize I never believed anything I was told at church was some kind of fact. I always thoroughly enjoyed the learning, the rituals, the discussion of faith. But never in my heart and mind had the kind of static / concrete conviction that other people seem to have bought into and then therefore need to come back from.

I realized this the other night, talking with my boyfriend and his friends who were raised religious, two of which were trans. The sentiment of having a perspective shattering experience was expressed, through some kind of evil teaching about hell. I was like wow, not only was I taught that Jesus saved everyone and everyone goes to heaven - I also never took any of it that seriously.

I was a devoted religious person in my youth as well. Spending lots of time at church, going to church when I traveled with friends. Even on our drunken, acid filled senior week trip in high school, I was at the camping beach church on Sunday. I read the Bible and searched for meaning it it. I remember on a mission trip once being able to write a blog for my church. It had a message from the Buddha and was honestly writing directed at my mom and her hatred of my dad at the time.

I say all this to say I am so happy I always was given this open mind. Never had to lose anything from religion because I was never attached to the story. That is a real gift. And I guess I won’t say nothing was lost or taken. I did have a huge sense of purpose and community that I have to find in other places now. And that will truly be the journey of my life, trying to create those feelings again.

I just had never really given that a thought. That I never ever bought into the idea that this message was the one reality. I always read every other religious book along with my bible. I could feel connected to god and speak the language (because that’s really all religion comes down to is language) and connect with others, and I never lost any of that. If anything it is strengthened within me.

And what a gift to always have been able to connect with people over a love of god. To never have to disagree or compromise that. To never have to act like I was so different than a devout Christian. I’m like no I 100% feel you… and also I do not prescribe to that one message or ever feel the need to define that.

Anyways I am so grateful for this natural disposition in me, to be open, detached, and seeking divine connection

[queer-polyam-emperor-penguin]

Remember when the polyamory community talked about couples privilege as this thing that kinda just exists in heteronormative society and was something that those of us in polyamorous relationships had to be conscious of and take into consideration with our decisions and dynamics and how we treat people... and not like a 'if this is happening at all in your relationships you're failing polyamory'.

I'm a bisexual AFAB ENBY trans masc, in a basically triad (non traditional dynamic) that's fem-me-masc and looks a little ffm or fmm depending on who's viewing it and how I'm presenting.

I'm a unicorn, I love being in a dynamic where I'm in the middle of my polycule and I'm also a kinky ace who would love a dynamic with two play partners (which is not what I currently have, I have two life-one day nesting, partners).

Couples privilege is something that inherently exists in my polycule.

My meta is married, my QPP and I have 10yrs of history that make us each other's priority, my boyfriend came into this dynamic knowing he was not automatically equal to my QPP and that she is my priority especially how she's been treated in the past by my ex's who expected me to one day drop my plans with her to have them with them. Which was never happening and never implied; in fact I directly expressed the opposite.

My boyfriend is my person, he is lovely and kind and healing for me. But my QPP is my whole world and he treats her as such, he respects her and loves her and he was fully aware that I come with hierarchies because I'm explicit about them and I'm honest about the effort and work I will put in for him and others but where I will and won't compromise ever.

One of those things is my QPP is my life partner unless she chooses otherwise. But I have made that commitment to her and I will not budge on it.

I am willing and wanting of other life partners, but she is my priority and she comes first.

I also have feelings for a married couple with kids; which is not the first time this has happened to me and it probably won't be the last; but I am fully aware that their marriage and commitment to their kids and each other will always be the priority over me and my feelings and wants. If I ever have that opportunity with them, in any way shape or form; it will involve a long and ongoing, honest and blunt discussion of where everyone's priorities lay and what their willing to share and where everyones goals are in and out of the dynamic I'm involved in and how our lives shape each others and what impacts are too much.

Couples privilege, hierarchical polyamory, nesting privilege, life partners, everyone's individual priorities; they're not bad things. They're just discussions that are needed to be had and had bluntly and honestly.

It's irritating me today that we don't have constructive discussion of how hierarchical society impacts our relationships and how to improve our relationships and dynamics with healthy communication and honest, clear boundaries and expectations that are discussed and re-negotiated regularly.

[mithliya]

related to the ‘no actual lesbian characters’ point this always bothered me in degrassi and I’m not even close to being a lesbian, so I’ve watched up to season 11 and I’ve had spoilers for the other seasons + next class (which had the stupid representation of the non-binary character but n e ways) the first named lesbian character introduced was Alex and she had originally been dating this creepy loser but out of no where she became a die hard lesbian after she and Paige became an item which felt just... so forced. I feel like since they made a lot of steps to include a gay male character they were like “oh shit where’s the lesbians” and then rewrote the most futch coded character to be a lesbian, which is... fine I guess but they never even touched on the fact that she was with the moid so it felt like a plot hole they could’ve very easily covered up. I did appreciate how in her stripping story arc they never tried to frame it as empowering like other teen shows (like she’s a literal child?????) and she never expressed any attraction to the Johns which I was rlly scared of. And this was in like 2006 so probably better representation than others at the time. And with Fiona Coyne I also felt like they written her in to be shoehorned as representation since they had already written full character arcs for another gay male and a trans man character, speaking of that the first hint they gave to her being a lesbian was her dating Adam (previously spoken of tif) and solely dating her because she was female and she could obviously see that, and saying “you’re like the best of both worlds” which feels like a cope, and Adam getting super mad about that and breaking up with her. A gold star for the terfyness and representation of butch characters atleast? And later she went on to date multiple other random femmes, I haven’t watched up to the point of her other relationships so she could’ve very well have been botched but :/ Fiona felt more shoe horned than the others because she had literally kissed her brother in a previous episode which... m yeah. And imogen which had been interested in another male character before being given a lesbian character arc, like it’s so lazy... the comphet storylines must be so tiring and is probably to some extent why the master doc exists. Like so many shows have fully fleshed out, researched, and focus grouped storylines for gay male trans etc characters but for lesbian characters they slap on lipstick lesbianism to a random b character then say ‘that’s enough activism for today 🧚‍♀️’

OH MY GOD i was thinking of degrassi too and didn’t wanna say bc i thought no one would know what im talking about. yes the thing with alex was literally so annoying. like the thing that bothers me is they will have these het or bi characters then all of a sudden they’re lesbians and their history with men is not explained at all. they just try to act like it was no big deal. alex was with that piece of shit guy for like at least a year and they were constantly kissing and looking very into each other. they couldn’t find a way to make sense of that for us??? cmon now. but i recall fiona also showing interest in men and then ofc all of a sudden she’s also a lesbian but at least they slowly tried to make sense of that. wait until u get to another one of the lesbian main characters they got in next class. fr it’s the worst one imo. i don’t remember fiona’s story too well but looking at her wiki:

3 ex boyfriends and kissed another guy, the uncensored one is her trans ex boyfriend that u mentioned, and i don’t recall any of this being explained. i don’t remember her showing any discomfort with them either. iirc she seemed very into them?? if they had put any thought into her having been w men, they would’ve shown her not looking into it and perhaps trying to avoid being with them or SOMETHING but they never do that. ever. like. ur right degrassi’s lesbian rep is horrendous. there’s only one character who iirc is a lesbian that is represented decently but shes a side character and isnt that prominent on the show so.. there’s that at least.

also isnt imogen openly bi?? she basically said she’s into ppl regardless of sex

[doberbutts]

It took me forever to figure out what the implications of “your doctor had to take a very close look to figure out that you had a vagina” meant when I was younger.

I used to think I had a penis. I knew I had a large-ish dangly thing and that about fit the description of a penis. I remember being scolded several times that girls do not have penises and that what I have is not a penis. They never told me what it’s actually called, just that it’s not a penis.

It was when I had my first period that I accepted that I do not have a penis. That is also when I became very upset, suicidal, depressed at the notion of being a woman.

It was after the first time I had sex, a stray conversation with my [now ex] boyfriend and our friends, discussing how many straight men are bad at sex and cannot find the clit. I mentioned that my [now ex] boyfriend found mine immediately and that I certainly never had a problem. He looked me dead in the eye and went “yeah, because yours is huge”

That was the opinion of the next couple boyfriends as well.

Then I had one who I was bigger than. I did not expect that. He was admittedly very small, but still cis, and the arrangement suited our needs just fine.

I have had trans men tell me that I’m bigger than them without T than they are after years of T. I don’t know what that will mean for me re: bottom growth.

I read up on how female-presenting genitals can become virialized and realized that out of the womb it would have been fucking obvious that I was packing a different set of equipment and that’s why the doctor had wavered which to label me as.

I read up on the exact diagnosis and how patients who were AFAB and AMAB [but with female-presenting pelvic organs, just no opening] have occasionally walked into a clinic for a different problem and discovered occasionally late in life that they are intersex and have organs inside of them they did not expect.

I think of the 60yo Chinese man who walked into the doctor with a urinary problem and went home knowing he had nothing in his scrotum, ovaries uterus and vagina with a very small opening that had apparently never bled, and a prostate. He was small, but not to the point of having raised any red flags until late in life. He was raised male and had never had any reason to suspect something was different outside of his inability to father children.

I think of the children in that one study where a solid third of them had at least one testicle in place of their ovaries. Some of them were already showing outward signs, others had not.

I think of a friend of mine who genuinely had no idea until they underwent exploratory abdominal surgery for a completely different reason and the surgeon found something no one expected.

I wonder how many other people simply don’t know until a sexual partner points out the difference. Until they go for surgery. Until they look into why something is difficult. Until they’re told.

I see the statistics for people finding out later in life as they take control of their own medical journey.

I wonder how many parents live with themselves hiding this from their children who apparently sometimes inherently know something’s going on.

[homosexuality-at-its-finest]

Could you do a Bucky x FtM!Reader where the reader comes out to him? Ansgt/Fluff? youre an amazing writer <3

A/n: Thank you for the request! I hope you like this, and I also kept the name as the one you go by, I don’t want anyone to be dysphoric by mentioning their deadname. As a trans person myself I love being able to write the experience. 

Plot: Requested

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x FTM! Reader

Y/n: Your name

E/c: Eye color

H/c: Hair color

Warnings: Trans Masc reader, Fluffy as hell, supportive Bucky, Minor angst, infinity war and endgame didn’t happen, cursing

Word count: 722

You and Bucky had been dating for a little over six months, having gotten together after the rogues had been pardoned and the accords scrapped. You had been on team iron man and since the moment he saw you he was enamored. He wasn’t used to the positive feelings, and they honestly terrified him. It took him almost a year to ask you out, and since then the two of you had been attached at the hip. Though he could feel you getting more distant, especially physically, he wouldn’t mind If he knew what was going on, and what was causing your obvious distress.

It broke the super soldier’s heart to see you so distant from himself and the team, he just wanted to make everything okay again. Bucky was curled up in your shared bed, reading one of the books you had recommended when he heard your shaky breath through the bedroom door, causing him to set his book down. When you entered, he could immediately see that your beautiful E/c eyes were red and puffy from tears. The ex-assassin immediately sat up, all attention on you.

“Doll, what’s wrong?” He reached out, hesitantly grabbing your hand, and much to his relief you didn’t recoil. His heart thrummed violently in his chest as he looked over your shaking form, concern filling his entire being.

“Bucky, I have to tell you something.” He hated the way your voice broke, and he hated the fact that you looked away more. “Talk to me, what’s going on?” Bucky kept his voice light and soothing as he spoke, his thumb brushing over your knuckles. You let out another sniffle, making his heart clench painfully.

“I’m Trans.” You had spoken so softly he had barely heard you, but the word was unknown to him. “What does that mean doll?” His tone held no judgement, only confusion.

“It means I’m not a.. girl.” Bucky didn’t say anything, wanting his lover to finish their thought. “I’m a boy, I’m just stuck in this shitty body.” As you spoke your voice quivered as fresh tears rolled down your cheeks, making the soldier’s own eyes burn with unshed tears.

His beautiful boy let out a sob, causing him to gently wrap his arms around him. “Oh, doll that’s okay. Is that what’s been going on?” he received a weak nod in response. “Okay, we’ll figure this out. Do you have a different name you want me to call you?” He could remember Peter, AKA spiderman mentioning a few things about transgender people now, mentioning them changing their names our pronouns that fit them and their gender identity better.

“Y/n.” Bucky couldn’t help but smile at the name, it fit you beautifully. “Okay Y/n, thank you for telling me. Is there anything I can do?” He questioned softly, running his fingers through your H/c locks.

“Could we shave my head? I’m so tired of my hair. It makes me feel so..” You didn’t finish your sentence, but that was okay. “Of course, doll, c’mon.” He gently took his boyfriends hand, leading the smaller male into the bathroom. He directed you to sit on the toilet seat, before grabbing the clippers. The two of you sat in silence as he shaved your hair, muttering soft praises and compliments as he did so.

Once he finished, he gave you a grin, leaning down and kissing your forehead. “You look very handsome Y/n.” His metal hand came up to gently cradle your cheek. “We can go shopping for clothes tomorrow if you want.” He offered, thumb brushing over your cheek bone. A smile as bright as the sun spread across your lips, filling his chest with warmth.

“Thank you, Bucky, for accepting and loving me.” He loved the way your cheeks flushed as you spoke. He leaned down, pressing your foreheads together. “I just want the best for my boyfriend.” He replied softly, and he could be happy for the rest of time just by thinking about the smile you gave him. Maybe he was a little confused, but he’d do anything for his best guy.