#tmi with jaz time I guess

[doberbutts]

It took me forever to figure out what the implications of “your doctor had to take a very close look to figure out that you had a vagina” meant when I was younger.

I used to think I had a penis. I knew I had a large-ish dangly thing and that about fit the description of a penis. I remember being scolded several times that girls do not have penises and that what I have is not a penis. They never told me what it’s actually called, just that it’s not a penis.

It was when I had my first period that I accepted that I do not have a penis. That is also when I became very upset, suicidal, depressed at the notion of being a woman.

It was after the first time I had sex, a stray conversation with my [now ex] boyfriend and our friends, discussing how many straight men are bad at sex and cannot find the clit. I mentioned that my [now ex] boyfriend found mine immediately and that I certainly never had a problem. He looked me dead in the eye and went “yeah, because yours is huge”

That was the opinion of the next couple boyfriends as well.

Then I had one who I was bigger than. I did not expect that. He was admittedly very small, but still cis, and the arrangement suited our needs just fine.

I have had trans men tell me that I’m bigger than them without T than they are after years of T. I don’t know what that will mean for me re: bottom growth.

I read up on how female-presenting genitals can become virialized and realized that out of the womb it would have been fucking obvious that I was packing a different set of equipment and that’s why the doctor had wavered which to label me as.

I read up on the exact diagnosis and how patients who were AFAB and AMAB [but with female-presenting pelvic organs, just no opening] have occasionally walked into a clinic for a different problem and discovered occasionally late in life that they are intersex and have organs inside of them they did not expect.

I think of the 60yo Chinese man who walked into the doctor with a urinary problem and went home knowing he had nothing in his scrotum, ovaries uterus and vagina with a very small opening that had apparently never bled, and a prostate. He was small, but not to the point of having raised any red flags until late in life. He was raised male and had never had any reason to suspect something was different outside of his inability to father children.

I think of the children in that one study where a solid third of them had at least one testicle in place of their ovaries. Some of them were already showing outward signs, others had not.

I think of a friend of mine who genuinely had no idea until they underwent exploratory abdominal surgery for a completely different reason and the surgeon found something no one expected.

I wonder how many other people simply don’t know until a sexual partner points out the difference. Until they go for surgery. Until they look into why something is difficult. Until they’re told.

I see the statistics for people finding out later in life as they take control of their own medical journey.

I wonder how many parents live with themselves hiding this from their children who apparently sometimes inherently know something’s going on.

[doberbutts]

Hey Jaz, this month I’ve been thinking a lot, and I’ve been reading and watching and listening a lot thanks to you! I’ve accepted that I’m trans, and I’ll always be trans but I’m afraid I can’t ever transition fully because of my physical limitations, I’m 5”0 and I’ve got bad hips that prevent me from exercising properly, very large breasts etc, I guess what I’m trying to say is, I don’t feel like the process of transitioning is worth it for me if I’m not going to ever truthfully pass as a man y’know? I’m just a bit lost now, everything feels so far and so near. I hope you’re doing well, rest easy.

Hey, thanks for your patience with this ask. I didn't want to fire off some short bullshit in response to this on my phone, which meant I had to wait until I was at an opportunity to be in front of my computer.

I don't know your exact limitations, but I want you to remember that people come in all shapes and sizes, and that includes men. I know short men, tall men, men with wide hips, men with delicate shoulders, men with moobs, men with pecs that would fill a bra bigger than my cup size, skinny men, fat men... and all of those I mentioned include both men who were born with penises, and men who were not.

So you're not going to transition into a skinny tall waif-like twink. That's okay, not all men look like that. I certainly won't look like that! You might not even be approaching dadbod or hunk territory. That's okay! There's plenty of short, curvy cis men out there that everyone recognizes as men.

Not everyone passes. Not everyone who fears they won't pass ends up not passing. You can't control what traits T gives you. I know trans men who have never exercised a day in their lives who are just physically active enough at their jobs to have gotten significant gains just by taking T. I know trans men who have poured years of labor at a gym and come up with little noodle arms. I know cis men on both sides of that coin as well.

Hell, if you want TMI with Jaz time, I'm not even on T yet and what I've got in my pants is bigger than one of my cis exes. Not even exaggerating, the first time we had sex he complained that he was smaller than the guy supposedly born without.

The thing is, at least with me since I am exposed to a pretty wide variety of men thanks to my dating pool, that there is no one correct way to be a man, and there is no one specific look that is "male".

No matter if you ultimately decide if transition is "worth it" to you or not- and that is a personal journey that every transgender person goes through- you owe it to yourself to live your truth as authentically as you can. Be safe, be kind to yourself, and for what it's worth... you don't have to pass to be a man. I hope things get better for you, anon.