#also just found out the song came out in 2004 which makes it even more bizarre

[brutal-out-here]

.

[musiconanironingboard]

19 January 2023: Cruel Country, Wilco. (2023 vinyl issue of 2022 dBpm release)

Wilco has a chequered history with me; when Belleville, Illinois, group Uncle Tupelo split up and its leaders created two new bands, I declared that it would be Jay Farrar’s Son Volt that would get the crown of greatness and not Jeff Tweedy’s Wilco. Though that first Son Volt album (Trace, 1995) was fantastic, this prediction could not have been more wrong. I saw Wilco perform in 1995 in one of their earliest gigs, and that was all I needed to see. I let quite a long time go by before I bothered taking them seriously. My brother became a huge fan based on their second album Being There (1996) and its followup Summerteeth (1999), putting both on his list of greatest albums of the decade, and only then did I give in. I went backward, got those albums, and then moving forward I declared the band’s Yankee Hotel Foxtrot (2002) and A Ghost Is Born (2004) the best albums of their respective years. From there it became a slippery slope of disinterest and irritation with a string of Wilco albums that I found dull at best. My brother got so disinterested in them that he gave me his copy of their 2012 album The Whole Love, which I hadn’t bothered buying. My Wilco interest got piqued yet again by that album, and I’ve carried on acquiring all subsequent Wilco releases to the present day, including large, deluxe reissues of the band’s first few albums (well, the reissue of their ’95 debut A.M. is a single disc with bonus tracks, but the next three have received super-deluxe editions). I’ve also kept faithful to buying Jeff Tweedy’s solo releases, at least up until the point of his 2021 concert set Live is the King, which I refused to buy because its parent album, the studio set Love is the King, is so colossally boring that I’ve concluded Tweedy really needs an editor or someone around him who doesn’t act as if every move he makes is the work of a genius. Tweedy is no Prince, but he’s a bit higher up the food chain than Robert Pollard of Guided by Voices, but all three musicians managed to reach a point where they seemingly operate(d) in an echo chamber of acclaim. I could go on, but let me conclude this editorial by saying that Wilco’s new album Cruel Country is every bit as dull as Love is the King. In the old days, I would have just stopped buying their stuff the moment I caught wind of this one’s boringness, but at this stage I sometimes carry on with a musician much longer than I need to. And not only did I find this album boring when I played the double-vinyl set you see pictured here, I knew going into it that I thought it was boring, for last year I bought the ridiculous “Pre-Release Limited Edition” double CD of Cruel Country when the band rushed it out for a Record Store Day event. If you read my post about that purchase, you’ll see that was I irritated even then, swore I wouldn’t re-buy the album when it came out with proper artwork, and then admitted I knew I would be doing it anyway. I have only myself to blame. I do like the album marginally better than when I heard it last year, but I’m really struggling to give it the requisite minimum of spins that I give every one of my music purchases, even duplicates. I need to hear it one more time and then I can file it forever if I so choose. Will I buy Wilco’s next album? Let’s not talk about that now.

Above are the front and back covers. I will say that the artwork on this release is ornate. The lace doily motif you see on the front cover continues with the opened gatefold that you see below. The song titles are “stitched” in there, but it’s fairly illegible even when you’re holding the album right in front of you. (I put stitched in quotation marks because I’m confident this is computer art, but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe some maniac really did stitch this giant doily.)

Placed in the middle of the gatefold, but not attached, is a large, fold-up set of perforated postcards. These postcards, on their obverse, contain lyrics and credits. Below I have shots of the set, first the both sides of the unfolded cards, and then various shots of them being unfolded. I’m sure numerous fans take this as a nod to the ’90s mailing list Postcard from Hell, which started as an Uncle Tupelo list and then evolved to be a Wilco/Son Volt hangout. The list was named for Uncle Tupelo’s 1991 song “Postcard.” I know tons of fans who are constantly talking about the glory days of the list.  And good lord; unlike most listservs from all those days ago, this one seems to still be active:   https://www.postcardfromhell.com/

Below are both sides of LP one’s inner sleeve. Some of those poses feel a little corny to me.

Next are both sides of LP two’s inner sleeve.

Next are both sides of LP one, followed by a shot of the opaque red vinyl.

Next, the same for the opaque white LP two.

[major-comet]

adding on / diving deeper / really just getting into semantics and specifics because i happen to know them, ajsjs.

here’s a really great breakdown on the red-head tex thing https://www.tumblr.com/blood-gulch/753417890930327552/honestly-i-think-one-of-the-most-drastic-changes , and how carolina’s red hair probably hit different to fans watching 10 as it came out

i can’t find the actual clip anywhere online which makes me think it may be trapped on the s10 blu-ray, but burnie sat down and did an interview with nico from trocadero around s10 and they talked about the Beth thing and how when burnie heard the full song for the first time he was like “hey so she Has a name and it’s. not that.” so they kinda decided it could be her middle name or something. nico really just wanted a name that rhymed with “death”, lol. if you have the s10 blu-ray(im 99% certain it’s that one) i highly reccomend checking it out, it’s a great interview. [EDIT: found it! on the IA https://archive.org/details/rvb-source-files/RVB+Source+Files/(1-10)+RXB+Blu-Ray/Season+10+Bonus+Disk/Behind+The+Scenes/Volume+10+-+RVBX+Bonus+Disk+-+Behind+The+Scenes+-+Trocadero+Interview.mkv#] girl named tex wasn’t used in the show until s2 i think, and even then it was probably only the intro. the album came out in september 2004 - about a month before season 3 started, where wyoming says her name for the first time a few episodes in. so just enough time between where people actively paying attention to would have gone Absolutely Insane, i imagine. if my reaction to learning felix and locus’ names is any indication ajsjs. (not that i was witnessing any of this as it happened, as i was like. 2-3 years old when season 3 was airing. i’ve just been immersed in all the BTS stuff lately while asphodel and i have been rewatching)

also this is Really just being particular but grifs name was said outloud in PSAs all the way back in season 1, so that’s at least something. just not in a technically fully canon setting until way later.

honestly the thing to take away from this is that a lot of the dubiously canon/not canon until later stuff we know about the reds and blue was stated or implied in early PSAs and they just decided to stick with it (which may have also been partially the case with church being jewish IIRC). more people should watch the psas.

i don’t think i knew that thing about the name Dex though (or i just Forgot, which is also very possible) that’s super cool

and here’s one of the times burnie told the vegas story on the podcast! https://youtu.be/Emdfc_6SQ1Y?si=4ul_TFACUzfRQ3r4

thank you for coming to tonight’s lecture, my office hours ar-

i love having such a highly specific memory about red vs blue because i’ll just casually say things in conversation and no one knows wtf i’m on about so i have to go looking for proof

like on the survey i put down terrence as one of sharkface’s names. do newer fans even know that miles called him that while doing mocap for s13 or am i just showing my status as an rvb veteran. because i call him terrence more often than i call him sharkface, tbh

[purekesseltrash]

My Fic List

Whelp, decided I should do one of these.  I have mostly written for Hockey RPF and BNHA, as you have likely already seen!

My BNHA Fics

Bury Them Deep

- “Shouji Mezou's entire life has revolved around being a goalie and playing hockey since he was five years old. After being drafted in the third round in the NHL, Shouji has two more years of college before moving on to playing professional hockey like he's always wanted. Or at least like he always thought he wanted. An injury that ends his season throws him into a tailspin, forcing him to take a look at his life and how he is going to live it, especially after meeting his fascinating new goth history tutor.”

(This bad bitch is 81k total and is chock full of my red hot hockey takes and midwestern references.  I love it very much and it is a sweet baby.)

The Rooftop Necromancy series AKA my black metal band AU:

Downhill from Here 

- “ Hizashi just wants to tour the country with his best friends with their metal band in their shitty van like they've been planning for years. He'd successfully hidden his crush on one of them for years, after all, he would definitely be able to make this work and keep things fun and uncomplicated. Until Aizawa decided to start acting weird. “

(In which I take you all on a nostalgic trip to 2006-2008 metal culture and you can see the black metal love song that my dumb ass wrote.)

The Perfect Mistake

- “ It wasn't as though Hizashi had planned on breaking up with his boyfriend while they were on tour in a tiny cargo van with no room and no peace. He would have much rather preferred to do it when they were home and he could easily go and crawl back into his mom's basement. But he didn't have a choice. “

(As relationships tend to do, theirs goes through problems.)

Rooftop Necromancy

-"He’d even ended up leaning into the crowd when someone’s elbow had connected solidly with his nose and thrown him back. They’d gone quiet as Hizashi got himself up to his feet, ripped off his now bloody ‘Within Temptations’ tshirt from 2004, whipped his hair back from his face and screamed, “That’s what I’m FUCKING talking about.” into the mic.

They went wild for it, cheering as blood ran down his nose, past his mouth and dripped onto the stage, leaving him feeling like an otherworldly monster performing an occult ritual. Metal, he thought dazedly to himself, why in the fuck had he ever stopped doing metal."

(I hyperfocused so hard at the idea of Mic as a metal head that I wrote this in seven straight hours and WROTE THROUGH THE ATTEMPTED COUP ON DEMOCRACY WITHOUT KNOWING IT.  It’s a bit rough, but it’s got some good parts and it spawned the whole damn series.)

Hands Up

- "But of course he had, they had always been able to read each other and what they meant. That had often been their problem, if he was going to be honest."

(In which they figure their shit out.  Basically it was written when I was thinking alot about how my own mental health had evolved through the years.  It’s basically the story of two people who are both very good for each other and also very bad and how they deal with that.  It’s probably the most personally meaningful thing I’ve ever written.)

The other BNHA fics:

Waking Up With Ghosts

-"Hizashi opened his eyes to a world that belonged to ghosts. His headphones were gone and the gray, grimy world that he felt more than saw was muffled and still. This was bad, he hazily thought."

In which we follow Hizashi shortly after the events of 296. How he's found, how he finds out and how he has to tell.”

(I fished this one out of the garbage of my Google Docs because I’d written most of it and forgotten about it.  I dragged it out, prettied it up a little and threw it up on AO3.  It is by far my most well read BNHA fic, go figure.)

Leave Her Johnny

-”Captain Hizashi Yamada has combed the Seven Seas looking for the elusive smuggler Eraserhead. He has spent years searching for him, tracking his movements and trying to anticipate where he would be next. But he had never considered what would happen when he finally found him. “

(I wrote a paragraph of this and was immediately like ‘I MUST CREATE THIS’.  I take some chances writing wise in this as the whole thing is done in a Victorian Era ish style of writing.  But I think it’s effective and the ending is likely one of the best that I’ve ever managed.  I’m proud of it.)

Gold Rush

-”"That earned him a laugh and Mashirao’s smile made something in his chest ache, something that made him want to hurt. Why had he ever left?

“I’m really not,” Mashirao was saying but Shinsou just shook his head and kissed him once, twice and wished he could take the sunny afternoon and make it stay forever. Make it stay forever like Mashirao somehow had, while the neighborhood had adjusted without Hitoshi’s permission.

“You are,” he said, “And I love it.”

I love you, he should have said.  But as Mashirao’s eyes softened and the blonde pushed him back against the bed, Hitoshi knew he didn’t need to say it."

(You know how sometimes you listen to a Death Cab for Cutie song about gentrification over and over until a fic comes out?  Because that’s basically what happened here.)

Black Sun

‘"But then he remembered the way that Shouji had eaten the night after, one hand curled into his hair as he hung back in the corner. Shouji hid when something was wrong, like a wounded cat trying to find a dark place to either live or die and he was being released tomorrow. Now was the time to push or he’d find Shouji right back on his bed, staring at nothing."

Something happened to Shouji on the beach. Tokoyami is sure of it.‘

(Aaaaaand Death Cab for Cutie strikes again.  But heyo, my first published ShouToko and it is SOFTTTTT)

In the Far and Mighty West

Mic came closer and despite himself, Shouta could not find it in him to feel afraid. “You won’t understand, not really. I’ll try, though. I’m like Pecos Bill or Paul Bunyan or a jackalope or that fish that your friend caught that he swears he brought in but that you’ve never seen proof of. I’m the herd of dogies moving sweet and steady in the right direction, I’m no stragglers to worry about, I’m that perfect dog that’s there to keep them in line. I’m that group of good friends that you would kill for, I’m the woman who you’re dying to come home to, I’m that promised home of milk and honey. I’m Mic.”

Shouta stared at him dazedly and licked his lips, feeling drunk and stupid as he stared at the man. “You’re… magic?”

“I suppose you could call me that.”

(Cowboy!Erasermic.  Inspired heavily by American Gods and my own love of folk heroes.)

In Your Violence

- “'Mezou frowned, eyes narrowing. “Are you trying to say that you’re scared that I’ll be killed by having faith in you?”

“It would be in your best interest to stay away from me,” Fumikage finally said, his voice falling flat and quiet. “I am destined to be a monster.”

'Mezou gets the call he fears, the one that says that Fumikage has lost control again. But this time it's different, in more ways than one.”

(I listened to Silence by Marshmello until I went insane in this is the result.  Featuring some of my super depressing headcanons about Shouji!  But it’s not awful.)

My hockey fics that I still like:

Hufflepuff Halfwit  

- ““Zhenya, the wind is coming from the west, I will not remind you again. You shut that window before the house stinks of factories!” She snapped and Geno stared at the owl as though maybe it would know what to do. But instead, it had given a little hoot and wiggled inside, only to drop it’s letter on the counter.

He turned his head very slowly back to look at his mother, who had suddenly gone very quiet. “It… just showed up, Mama. And um. It brought a letter.” He waited again, looked back at the owl who had begun to nose at the pirozhkis in interest and then looked back at his mother with the best puppy dog eyes he had ever attempted. “Can I keep it?”

(This is a part of my hockey/Harry Potter au that still legitimately haunts my dreams.  It’s basically a Sid/Geno in Hogwarts but I really love the world building I got to do with Koldovstoretz, the Russian school of wizardry.  Don’t read ‘On the Word of a Slytherin’ though, I’m not as proud of that one.)

The Prince  

- “What the fuck.” Matt breathed out, sitting back heavily onto his hotel bed as he stared at his phone.

‘This is Henrik.’ The text read. ‘I would like to meet you. I will book a room in Pittsburgh at your convenience. Let me know what time will work for you.’  - 

(Listen, it’s Henrik Lundqvist/Matt Murray smut, I feel like that is novel and interesting and worth your attention.  I wax poetic on goalies in this, as you do.)

The Zoo of Toronto 

- “No one missed it when a massive porcupine had shuffled in between the reporters with a single minded focus, pushing media away until it was able to grip onto Phil’s suit pants and try to pull itself up. He hadn’t been able to do more then besides pick the animal up before it could shred his pants to shreds and walk out of the locker room before the decision had been made with the Toronto media.

Phil Kessel was guilty.” 

(Not gonna lie, this is probably my favorite of the hockey fics I’ve written.  And it’s Phil/Carl, which is never found anymore but it was a good pairing.)

[akwardlyuncool]

29 Albums At 29 Part 1 (One - Fifteen)

Yes, I am back for another year of self-analyzation, (not a real word, but I’m going with it.) which includes me overthinking my own tastes, telling myself it doesn’t matter and then creating an entire life out of some silly songs that many just happened to land on the same compact disc together.

Note: Last years list is not required reading, but it’s cool if you’re into seeing how things have changed as a whole, cause change is inevitable in these streets. 

TREAT: I’ve also decided to add Deep Cut tracks this year, just in case my favorites were getting repetitive, but also to show some love to other really great songs as well.

_______________________________________________________________________

1) Feels Like Home (Deluxe Edition) |2004| ⇢ Cemented

Home is where the Norah Jones’ tracks are. The other day my mom told me that this album was sad and melancholy and I came back with how I actually love sad music, however this isn’t what I’d consider to be the sad soundtrack of my life. I guess I just never looked at it that way. I always saw this album as warmth and comfort and my forever required listening for early morning road trips. I’ve also found that it’s been a wonderful treat to be watching an older show or movie these days and knowing they’re playing Norah Jones because of how instantly I feel that comfort. It may not always lead me back to this record, but I know the feeling when I hear her voice.

Top 2 Tracks:

Humble Me (Track 9)

Be Here To Love Me (Track 6)

This is the song I’m using as self care this year. “Just hold me and be there to love me today.” - That’s how I’m talking to myself.

Fun Fact: This song is actually a cover of a Townes Van Zandt song. (Now knowing that Norah didn’t write every song on this album herself, I’m going to try not to hold that against her in future rankings lol.) 

Honorable Mention: Will always go to the song Toes because that’s the song that I tend to set aside to make room for other things to ring favorite or represent me at my life changes. I just couldn’t let this list pass without giving this song it’s flowers in my life.

Deep Cut:

I Turn Your Picture To The Wall (Track 16)

This is a bonus track specifically on the deluxe version.

2) In Love And Death - The Used |2004| ⇢ Cemented

So here’s some TMI real quick. The other day was a rough one for me, there was hella crying and I was just feeling really bummed. For the first time in a long time I decided to put on this album or a few songs from it and I just sung them really hard while in my kitchen, and unsurprisingly that helped a ton. I still felt sad afterwards, but giving it all into the music was the personal solace I needed to help things ease up on me. It’s moments like these that I remember why I’ve called this the only album that I was ever 100% sure was one of my favorite albums of all time. It’s there when I need it and rarely judges the reasons why.

The Used 15th Anniversary Tour (Hopefully they bring it back for the 20th anniversary.)

Top 2 Tracks:

Cut Up Angels (Track 5)

I Caught Fire (Track 2)

I’ve always had this song as a favorite, but didn’t want to sound generic, even though Cut Up Angels is probably one of the actual deepest cuts on the album, so in actuality I could totally get away with it. One day I’ll play this song during this secret moment I’ve assigned it to, one that hasn’t happened yet, and I’ll feel like I’ve leveled up in the world or just hit some sort of weird personal milestone.

Deep Cut:

Light With A Sharpened Edge (Track 8)

3) Corinne Bailey Rae - Corinne Bailey Rae |2006|                 ⇢ Cemented

Here we go again with the comfort records, that have cemented themselves at the top of this list. I don’t think I could describe this album more perfectly than I did at 27 when I said, “It’s lovely and soulful and it also wears a golden yellow sundress everywhere. It’s me in an alternate universe” I truly do believe that this album is a version of me when I dream, like when I imagine all the ways my life could feel. I just want to be covered in sunshine, warm rain and have complex, but not complicated love. 

One of my biggest concert misses will always be the tour that Norah Jones and Corinne Bailey Rae did together. I get actually sad just thinking about it.

Top 2 Tracks:

Just Like A Star (Track 1)

The only time track number one gets the favorite spot.

Till It Happens To You (Track 4)

Deep Cut:

Breathless (Track 8)

Note: The link is of a live version.

4) 10 Things I Hate About You - Various Artists |1999|           ⇢ Cemented

I feel like I go harder for this movie and this album in particular, more than most people who claim the 90′s ever will. (Don’t quote me on that cause I’m sure there are some real Stans out there.) I just feel like if I’m holding onto anything,  it’s these songs and the movie quotes they backed. One day I’ll do a top movies list and 10 Things will make the top 10, easy, and knowing that, the soundtrack just comes along with the territory. 3 of the songs on this compilation are some of my all time favorites and yes nostalgia plays a big part in that, but unless you ask my anxiety, that isn’t the bad thing people make it out to be when it comes to the making of these lists. 

Top 2 Tracks

Your Winter - Sister Hazel (Track 4)

Don’t let anyone, especially Spotify (or whatever streaming service you use) tell you that the version on Sister Hazel’s album is the same as the one on this soundtrack. It’s my hill to die on.

The Weakness In Me - Joan Armatrading (Track 10)

Deep Cut:

War - The Cardigans  (Track 11)

5) American Idiot - Green Day |2004| ⇢ Cemented

Not gonna lie I kinda feel like Green Day has gotten too “arena tour” for me and I don’t go as hard for them as I used to, but I promise you that if you put this album on, nothing will have changed about me. I’m still telling the story of my middle years like it’s the defining factor of my life. American Idiot was a turning point for me and it’s part of the reason I believe moments and music go hand in hand. I remember being that kid who found something she didn’t know she needed in these 13 tracks. I wax poetic about this ish because I take moments to heart and this record isn’t just a record, it’s a moment. It’s me lying on my bedroom floor at 12, 13, and probably long after that, feeling all of the sadness and then at 19 for my first adult musical theater performance where my friend sprung for the expensive seats when I figured we’d just go nosebleed. Again at 23 in an Alamo Drafthouse with that same friend watching the documentary and then at 28 where my dad brings me an American Idiot shirt he found at the thrift store and asks if “I still like them.” Now currently at 29 wearing that shirt to my vac appointment because I wanted to feel cool, but knowing that it’s not just a fashion statement, but an actual part of my life.

Top 2 Tracks:

Wake Me Up When September Ends (Track 11)

Give Me Novacaine (Track 7)

Deep Cut

Are We The Waiting (Track 5)

Note: The link is to the live version.

6) Meteora - Linkin Park |2003| ⇢ Cemented

This is one of those albums that I’m pretty sure will always be relevant to me. Maybe I’m just a perpetually sad person who’s constantly trying to work on myself and grow, but in less of an Instagram self care kinda of way, and more of a New York underground kind of way lol. Honestly this is just another album that makes me feel things. It’s not always the same things, but it’s always some-thing. I feel like we’re told that we shouldn’t relate to or be able to relate to the music that we grew up on, as that’s some sign of immaturity, but I strongly push against that idea. I’m not going to attach myself to songs about literal teen angst for the rest of my life, however songs about pain and struggle and growth are always going to have some relevancy.

This is also one of the few “heavy” albums I have on this list. Fun fact though, I love heavier music, it’s just that love usually get represented the most with singles and not full albums, so I take what I can get.

Top 2 Tracks:

Easier To Run (Track 6)

Finally added this song to the “All Time Favorites” list this last year. It’s something that I already knew, but I guess I just had a hard time admitting it, cause those lists are hard to get on to.

Breaking The Habit (Track 9)

Found a way to be relevant to me again.

Deep Cut:

Faint (Track 7)

7) Ocean Avenue - Yellowcard |2003| ⇡1

We finally have some fluctuation!

The back and forth on the 7th or 8th spot for this album is just silliness, we all know that this album is never dropping below a 10 spot, because I’m never allowing this album to mean anything less to me. I remember this being the album that made me realize what front to back meant. I’m sure there were others prior to this one, but it’s like learning a new word or phrase and finally having a definition that makes sense for it. I try to keep my case closed cause it smells like the used CD store that I bought it from on the inside and I never want to lose that. Yellowcard has been rightfully judged these last few years for their hella tacky choices, however I’m gonna sit with my Ocean Avenue and attempt to separate the people from the art lol.

And no I still haven’t listened to the acoustic version. Again my heart’s just not ready.

Top 2 Tracks:

Only One (Track 3)

I know this is a love song, but it’s also turned into one of my self-love songs over the last few years. Don’t limit the meaning certain songs can have.

Empty Apartment (Track 4)

Deep Cut:

Back Home (Track 13)

8) Five Score and Seven Years Ago - Relient K |2007| ⇡2

Relient K in general represent several different moments in my life, and young Jai always knew I wanted them to continue on my journey with me. I think because of how much I wanted this album to represent future moments in my life I hold onto it differently than I do the other two Relient K albums on this list. I’m literally taking them with me, through whatever, wherever I’m going, just because this feels grounding to me. Maybe I’m feeling that more strongly these days because it’s a side effect of me watching all those “Progressive Christianity” videos on YouTube and trying to figure out what exactly that means. That being said, Deathbed is still not a soul-tie for me and I’m okay with that “hot take.” I’m aware though that my love for them and this album wasn’t born out of connections to my religious beliefs, so that could be the main reason for that take. Sorry didn’t mean for that to turn into a religious conversation, so I’ll end this by saying something I’m sure I’ve said before, and  that’s that not all of our favorite things have to have in depth explanations. This list is partly about past moments that we run with and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Side Commentary: Here’s a pro-tip, don’t join the online communities of your favorite things, because all of the hot or “woke” takes will have you questioning your love for everything and not in a good way. (Basically Twitter indirects aren’t a safe space lol.) Recently I searched Relient K on Twitter cause Matthew Thiessen has a writing credit on that new MGK song Love Race and I ended up in the land of “your music is actually trash” for a moment and it made me kinda bummed. This is me acnkowledging that multiple things can be true at once and also that I’m still going to go hard to this stuff regardless, because I’m sure I listen to far worse things than Christian, Pop Punk sung by white guys who didn’t always know how to talk to or about girls in the early 2000′s. (Yes that is actually a genre and for the record Faking My Own Suicide is not one I try to defend.)

Top 2 Tracks:

Devastation and Reform (Track 7)

Come Right Out and Say It (Track 2)

Why are you so relatable right now?

Deep Cut:

Forgiven (Track 5)

9) Being To Hope (US Version) - Regina Spektor |2006|      ⇢ Cemented

This is an album that knows where it’s at in life and never plays games. It just stands on it’s own merit and you never have to defend it too hard cause everyone else already gets it as well. Begin To Hope is cool and lovely and I feel part of that crowd when I put it on or other people put it on around me. This is not an album that I take a hipster stance on. Do I hold it close, yes, quite personally in fact, but I’m never going to be too cool in front of other people about it. (That doesn’t mean Samson isn’t some straight mainstream hipster ish. Still great though.) This is another album that I feel represents another version of me that I’ve concocted in my head. One that wears tulle dresses and combat boots, is an elementary school poetry teacher, but leads a very strong adult life when she’s off the clock. I am many different people, it just depends on the album.

Top 2 Tracks:

Hotel Song (Track 6)

That Time (Track 9)

The linked video is not the official version, but it always came up when I searched the song, so for a while I thought it was. (It’s still good though.)

Here’s a regular link to the song that is also not age restricted.

Deep Cut:

Field Below (Track 5)

10) MMHMM - Relient K |2004| ⇣3

It’s still top 10, so I can’t be too upset that this one manages to keep slipping. I think from the outside I’m like “Five Score is better” and I need to say that in rank, but in a pure “I’m feeling good” listen, MMHMM just hits all of the Pop-Punk spots and feels for me. so do I wonder myself, what is the actual separating factor between the two? I never mean to make this a competition between the two albums, it’s just that when it comes to Relient K, because they are my favorite band, it’s hard to say which one I ultimately like more and why. I know which albums don’t get played, so that part’s easy, it’s just tricky for the ones that have been on replay for me since middle school. I think if this rank was based more on pure joy MMHMM wins every time. It also has Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been on it which is one of my favorite songs of all time, so there’s that, however there’s so many factors at play here which make it hard to rank just based on enjoyment. To clarify though, this album isn’t top 10 just for the Pop Punk joy it brings me, cause if that were the case State Champs’ first two album would be so high on this list and sadly they haven’t made the cut at all. It’s another album that has soundtrack-ed several moments in my life and just how I’ve felt on my journey, so I’ll always try and give credit where credit is due.

Will always treasure hearing it live for their MMHMM 10th Anniversary Tour back in 2014.

Top 2 Tracks:

Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been (Track 10)

More Than Useless (Track 7)

Deep Cut:

When I Go Down (Track 14)

11) From Under The Cork Tree - Fall Out Boy |2005| ⇡12

I had a rank put together and Cork Tree said let’s play. It told me I had a stronger love for this body of work, than I had noted in years past and moved its way all the way up the list. I didn’t like that so much. I ended up stepping away and re-ranking everything a few days later, (This was before I started officially writing, so nothing has changed since then.) however at the end of it all, 2005 Fall Out Boy stayed put and other albums got switched around. That wasn’t my intention, but for whatever reason this album got hella cocky this year. 29 told 28 to hold it’s drink, cause I wondered then if at #23 if it would stay that high forever in the grand rank of things. I think I question this album so much cause I don’t want to sound generic, but I guess that’s just par the course for me and anyone else who grew up during/inside this era.

I know I did it and I make the rules, but part of me wonders (I’m not 100% sure on my feelings and thoughts here) if the known feelings I had/have for other albums and bands within this last year and thus causing some of their slips in the ranks, forced me to find comfort elsewhere. Not saying that this isn’t an album that I’m truly feeling right now, just that maybe when other people mess up it gives good guys a chance. That being said, I’m really into Patrick Stump’s solo work right now, which could also be helping things out.

Top 2 Tracks:

I’ve Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth “Summer Song” (Track 6)

A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More “Touch Me.” (Track 11)

Deep Cut:

7 Minutes In Heaven “Atavan Halen” (Track 7) 

Is this really a deep cut though? lol

12) Everything But What You Need - Speak Low If You Speak Love |2015| ⇡1

We are aware of the hot mess that was the last year, so there’s no need to get too deep into that specifically, however because it was such a trash year I found myself putting this album on to basically sing me to sleep a few times. I only really do that when my anxiety is high and I can’t sleep and since I hadn’t done it in a while, the times I felt I needed it, seemed significant. I think it’s relevant in the sense that I believe the “entertainment” we put on during certain times in our life say a lot about who we are. This album has tons of moments that I definitely do scream to, but often times I can have it on and just be hella content and chill with it. To me this simply says that I have a lot of emotions and sometimes need certain music to comfort them/use as a sleep aid.

Top 2 Tracks:

Confusion (Track 7)

Guess and Check (Track 8)

Deep Cut:

List Of Things (Track 4)

13) Lemonade - Beyoncé |2016| ⇣ 2

“I f*cks with you til I realize I’m just too much for you.” Beyoncé just has a way of getting me to release all my side eyes and confidence and just any “I’m on my ish and you’re wrong, but I love you so much” feelings that tend to live inside of me. All those memes and Twitter threads that came out in 2016/2017 about Lemonade having us in our feelings were correct. I think I’ll always get caught up when I put this album on and I hope that never changes.

Top 2 Tracks:

Sandcastles (Track 8)

All Night (Track 11)

Deep Cut:  

Love Drought (Track 7)

14) Still Not Getting Any... - Simple Plan |2004|⇡2

My struggle as a music fan for the last year. 2020 put a whole wrench (that’s speaking lightly) in one of my favorite bands and I contemplated whether I could actually ever listen to them again. I went back and forth on claiming them as a favorites on this list, then “shelving” them, as in not actively listening to them anymore or just listen sporadically, and it’s just say it’s been a mess. To be honest I haven’t come to a complete conclusion on the matter. I’m treading the waters with Simple Plan at the moment and am really here to just state a fact, that this album still does something for me. I’m tied to this album, this work, most likely for teenage connection ties, which I’ll always defend, because that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It was the first cd I ever bought with my own money ;) and that significance alone means it gets sentimental points, which elevates it higher than it probably should be at current, even though I do legitimately thinks it’s good. There’s just no way you put on Shut Up! and don’t go at least a little hard for it, like you’re a kid in the audience of a Kids Choice Awards. 

Top 2 Tracks:

Everytime (Track 8)

Perfect World (Track 3) 

Deep Cut:

One (Track 10)

15) The Young And The Hopeless - Good Charlotte |2002|⇣1

Some things you put on just for fun. I think we’re constantly making digs at some of our “juvenile” music tastes to offer a hella weird balance for some reason and since I’ve been guilty of that in the past, I actively try and push back on that when I talk about the music I’ve been listening to since middle school. Side note, I feel like Alt Kids do this way more than kids who listened to like Lil Wayne and T-Pain, that is full time, cause I also listened to both of them back then as well. I’m not denying that this album and others in the same vein aren’t filled with massive amounts of teen angst, however it’s just another one that I will go hard to every time. No matter how old I get, this is the music I feel I will always find my way back to, simply because of the joy it brings me.

Top 2 Tracks:

Say Anything (Track 10)

Emotionless (Track 13)

Deep Cut:

The Day That I Die (Track 11)

_______________________________________________________________________

I really hope y’all enjoyed part one, please stay tuned for part 2 with albums 16 - 29 and spoiler alert, there will be 2 Phat Playlists at the end! As always thank you for reading, skimming or consuming in any capacity.

DM’s are always open for discussions and commentary as well. I do this mainly for myself, but I love the conversation that comes out of it, immensely.

[asteristories]

Demo Link + About the potential ROs of ‘Nevermoore’ (With Art!)

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Game Demo | Forum 

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I decided to put all semi-relevant info + commissioned artwork in one post so it’s easy to find for any newcomers. I’ll be pining this too. (Though some info might change slightly over time bc I am guilty of being inconsistent with my characters whoops) 

For RO info, I had also included their music themes. It was based on an ask I gotten a long time ago, but instead on separating them from ‘character songs’ and ‘romance path ballads’, they’re just in general now (But you can still interpret them however you want) Also there’s now an extra song for each because I can’t help myself haha. (And one more thing...a lot of songs are english covers of anime music because I am a weeb. Just...putting it out there)

Also, the some of songs themselves could reveal a bit of the ROs backstory/motivations/etc, if you know where to look 👀.

Disclaimer: All art is done (commissioned) by the incredible @apexred​! Please check them out when you can! And even though the ROs have their ‘official art’, please don’t be discouraged if you had wanted to imagine them looking a little different when their descriptions eventually show up in the demo! These designs are more for myself than anything 😅 .

Under the cut-

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Micah/Miriam Sterling

They come from the back alleys of early 1900s New York with a soft-spoken and patient personality. Generally civil and polite to most people they meet, and tries to avoid conflict as much as possible. They also have a habit of being constantly alert of their surroundings, picking up sounds and sensations that would normally be missed by others. Nobody considers it unusual, however, because it becomes understandable once you meet them. If the pair of shades and solid wood walking cane doesn’t give it away, then their clouded blue eyes definitely will.

However, it’s best to remain wary of them. Because there is just something...off, in the way they carry themselves. Like a predator, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike their prey.

Age: 26

Birthday: February 25, 1896 (Pisces) 

Height: 5′9″. Becomes 5′10″ in the heels.

Background: They actually don’t know the specific date they were born, but had went with February 25 because that was the day they were found left on the doorstep of a church orphanage. Because of this, they also don’t know where they are from. But they do know how to speak other languages like French, German, Italian, Russian, and many more.

Recorded Date of Disappearance: 1922

Songs: Unravel English Cover Acoustic, Last StarDust English Cover, Towards the Sun 

Related Art: 1,

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Elias/Eloise Lain Romero

They grew up in Cuba before moving to Canada to study journalism. They are often sarcastic and have a bit of a sharp tongue, directing it towards anyone that’s within their vicinity for longer than a minute. However, it’s known that they do genuinely care for the other residents, even though they’d probably rather die again than admit it out loud. Oddly enough, they can also come off as rather nosy, always asking others (including you) rather personal questions. They insist that it’s important, but don't specify what they need the information for.  

Also, they are always seen carrying a leather-bound notebook with them at all times. With everything they seem to know about the people and the town, who knows what's written in it...

Age: 21

Birthday: May 11, 1969 (Taurus)

Height: 5′7″

Background: Was born and lived in Cuba until they were about age 7. Knows how to speak Spanish.

Recorded Date of Disappearance: 1989

Songs: Hello World English Cover, Shikisai English Cover, Reason Living English Cover

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Pavel/Pris(Priscilla) Falken

The brightly coloured, mismatched clothes they wear match their upbeat, free-spirited personality. An aspiring cook, specifically a baker, who was looking to open their own cafe before they arrived to the town. But even so, they won’t let the curse stop them from doing what they love, despite the potential risks (In fact, they’ve lost count on how many times their oven blew up on them). They also love to chat with people, especially with the newcomers. Expect to see them show up at your doorstep with a fresh batch of freshly baked goods as a way to make you feel welcome.

Their family actually shares their love for cooking, having once owned a small, local restaurant. Once is the keyword here. And it’s their fault.

Age: 23 

Birthday: August 7, 1981 (Leo)

Height: 5′4″-5′5″

Background: Mixed Scandinavian ancestry and probably had distant viking blood. Knows mostly English, but may or may not know some curse words in Swedish and Norwegian. 

Recorded Date of Disappearance: 2004

Songs: Best Day of My Life, When Can I see You Again, Glad You Came

Related Art: 1,

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Simon/Sarai Zhang

They are a person of science, following the footsteps of their father. Can be mostly be found in the town library, preferring the company of books rather than people. Their stoicism and aloofness makes it hard to get a read on what they are really thinking, and their bluntness sometimes turns others away. But they are hardworking, and take their situation more seriously than others. Which is why they are the only one who is actively trying to find a way out of the town, as well as understand how it works. They’ve tried everything, and are still coming up with new ways and theories (and experiments, sometimes even on themselves) all the time. They are determined to escape.

They have to. For their father. 

Age: 25

Birthday: November 12, 1945

Height: Simon is 6′2″, while Sarai is 6′0″

Background: Has a Chinese father and an Israeli mother. So because of this they know how to speak Mandarin and little bit of Hebrew.

Recorded Date of Disappearance: 1970

Songs: C’mon, Tell Me Now English Cover, [To be added]

[emilieautumnarchives]

Attention Deficit Delirium Interview (11/30/2009)

Original Link - Part 1 || Part 2 last accessed: 1/3/2022

Emilie Autumn’s Personal Asylum by Bryan Reesman

[Emilie Autumn, the lady in white tackling issues in black.]

One of the most original musical artists to emerge in the ’00s, vocalist/violinist/ performance artist Emilie Autumn is a force to be reckoned with. Over the last three years she’s become a hit in the Goth scene of Germany with her catchy and confrontational music, and now she is building up a cult following in America. Her highly acclaimed third album Opheliac came out in 2006 and was just reissued in the States, and she has also released EPs with new songs, live tracks and remixes; a double album of classic violin pieces (Laced/Unlaced); and a book (the forthcoming The Asylum For Wayward Victorian Girls) about her personal experiences grappling with bipolar disorder.

It’s taken her a decade to arrive here. Not that she hasn’t been busy. Following her 2000 classical release On A Day… and 2002 solo album Enchant, Autumn’s mainstream buzz grew while she recorded on and toured behind Courtney Love’s America’s Sweetheart album in 2004. She’s also recorded with Otep, Billy Corgan and for the Metalocalypse soundtrack. Now she’s really making her mark.

[The deluxe US reissue of Opheliac.]

It’s hard not to think of her as Goth given her Victorian image, bright red hair, neoclassical style and dark and risque stageshow, which includes four provocatively dressed women called The Bloody Crumpets representing different aspects of herself and every woman, from the saintly to the sinful. Listening to such Opheliac tracks as the manic “God Help Me” and “Liar,” beautifully disturbing “Gothic Lolita” and entrancing, beat-driven “Swallow”  — with themes spanning self-mutilation, sexual abuse and suicide — it’s hard not to make the connection. Even her violin solo during her NYC gig in October was heavily distorted, amplified and perfectly appropriate for her moody and funny show (and completely inappropriate for the classical world from which she came).

But Emilie Autumn does not seek to be pigeonholed, nor should you box her in. Not that she minds being embraced by the Goth scene. She says she finds the scene adorable and appreciates the love she gets from it, even if she says “I am not Goth in the slightest”. She is certainly an intense interview. Autumn was such a whirlwind of ideas within the 25 minutes that we chatted that I found myself not worrying about asking for Courtney Love stories or delving further into the music because without her viewpoint and her personal life experience, she would not be the artist she is nor have the burgeoning career that she does. There is a dark sense of humor running through her work, as she grapples with tough issues. The same applies to her interviews. So rather than try to dissect her with a more in-depth intro, it’s better to let her do the talking.

[Emilie Autumn and three of her Bloody Crumpets. (Photo credit: Tina Hagerling.)]

Don’t you find it intriguing that the Goth image gets huge but the music never does? Except in Germany, of course. That’s the thing, and that’s why that was the first place where I went. I had a German label at the time, and they brought us over immediately because the word was, “This is the divine timing, you’re going to be big here now. It’s just the right thing.” I just took an adventure and decided to do it, knowing that I could go home at any time. It was great. It did happen, it did work and it was very interesting to see how what here is completely cultish is close to mainstream over there, as far as the Gothic industrial scene. It’s pretty interesting. What I really had to do at the beginning two or three years ago is just go over and prove that I was actually a real person and looked somewhat like the posters. Nobody really believes that until they see you in the flesh. I wasn’t quite as mean. I was trying. I was trying to be mean. I was trying to stick up for myself, and now I can. Then I was just trying, but that’s what the record did. That’s what the record was about.

So what changed in you during the last three years? Finding my place in the asylum to find that I could still be brutalized, but I know it more when it happens. I realize it slightly quicker than I used to. I just simply own it more now, and I learned how to tell the truth because [I was] abusively raised as a people pleaser and all the rest of that, being very shy and never being in the real world, always working for the last 20 years in the industry with people 10, 20 or 30 years older. Growing up as a classical violinist I was in a totally different world, so I never went to high school and never was 16 and smoked pot for the first time. This is the first group that is mine and that I am a part of, and that’s why it’s so important. Where does Emilie Autumn the artist end and the person begin? It doesn’t. It’s exactly the same. That’s the point. This is as real as it gets. There’s nothing that isn’t the truth. The book is entirely true. The music is entirely true. The show is entirely true. I couldn’t do this to this degree of [being] into the character and into the hardcore-ness of it if it weren’t. It would be too exhausting. I’m more real on stage than I am anywhere else in life or in singing, because here’s where you actually tell the truth. To quote Oscar Wilde, give a man a mask and he’ll tell you the truth. You put on a lot of make-up and you’re actually going to see the real person for once because God knows in daily life we rarely get to do that. There are too many compromises that we don’t even realize that we’re all asked to make everyday, in the way that you walk down the street and dress, in what you look like and how much harassed you want to be for what you want to wear. Anything. It’s not just girls. Everybody has to compromise who they are in some small way. But on stage I don’t because I’m protected. I can take off all my clothes and roll around in blood if I want to, and usually do, and there’s some semblance of security. Unless we hurt somebody, we can do anything without real consequence or any compromise because people don’t want to see compromise, they want to see theater. And for me theater is real, hence the commitment to it. This is where we get to actually be what we are. [Link to Shallot (live) by wingedzephyr] Your book and album deal with grappling with bipolar disorder, and yet you dress in Victorian clothing, which is an interesting statement considering back then we did not have the knowledge of bipolar that we do today… The thing is we don’t have an understanding today. That’s the point. The point of the record of and the point of the story arc of the book is beyond my own personal tale. It starts with me being locked up in the psych ward in Los Angeles, and then through that horrible, horrible experience needing, in order to survive it, to get in touch with this alternate reality that I believe existed before me. It’s just something that I tapped into that then became the Victorian asylum. So it’s the story of comparing and contrasting what happens between [me and] my alter ego, and through the diary entries of both of us in these two worlds learning — and at some point they cross over and you can’t tell who’s writing anymore — this is the truth. This is just what happens. You learn about what happens there — it’s all very accurate — and you learn that there’s not much difference between then and now. And that’s the point. It wasn’t planned this way, but in the end you see the social criticism that not a lot has changed, and that’s fucked. For example, who’s the lab rat now? I go to my shrink and he puts me on lithium, and I say, “How exactly does this stuff work?” He says, “We have no idea.” Because he knows enough just to be honest. We have the understanding that I sincerely study everything I can about these things because I’m fascinated with the fact that we can be genetically born to where our brains just fuck us up. We’re built with a ticking timebomb.

[Emilie in the "Enchant" days. Perky Goth?]

In the medical world, bipolar is considered a terminal illness because three out of four people are going to jump out a window or do something, so it is expected that you’re going to kill yourself. That’s why I was locked up to begin with. Then it just goes on from there. It’s about how you’ll never be taken seriously again once you’ve been prescribed a prescription drug. It’s about how once you’ve actually been locked up it’s all over for you. This is not about self-pity. This is about taking back the power of not just me but anybody who’s had these issues or anybody who even understands these issues or anybody who’s even curious about it. My ultimate revenge is making this into something that can pay for my fucking tour bus and making this my job and making it fabulous to [the point] where now everybody wants to be an asylum inmate. That’s the ultimate irony. In real life, this is the last place you want to go, and everybody now wants to be a part of it. That’s my revenge.

[Victorian asylum babe Emilie Autumn: “If you’re going to call me crazy, I’m going to make crazy awesome.”]

Have you ever seen the film King Of Hearts starring Alan Bates? He plays a Scottish soldier in World War I who goes into a deserted French town to disarm a German bomb. He finds that the local asylum inmates have escaped and are running things, but they’re more sane than the people who are waging the war. That’s the point. Two things. The question of who’s actually crazy here. Let’s focus on the Victorian asylums for a minute — it’s the whole underbelly of that time. We’re not here glamorizing it. It’s very, very sarcastic in that we’re showing the underbelly of it — what really went on and how it’s revolting and disgusting. Again, very little has in fact changed, not only the mental health care system but in every other way that women are thought of and treated in any of it. And not only that. There’s a new plague now, isn’t there? It’s cyclical. It never really changes. These are my stupid opinions, but all we can really hope for is to make it slightly different this time around, so it’s at least interesting. So that at least we learn something small, at least we have a slightly different creative experience, but the fact is it will come around again. It always will, it always has. So we’re going to have the same wars and the same issues, and I believe that is the way of the world. It’s not even me; history kind of proves that. It’s not like I came up with this brilliant idea. We’re trying to show the dark side of things, and essentially just telling the truth. That’s all it is, and that’s all the book is. What changed between three years and now in my own personal way of living is simply that I stop being scared of what anybody else thought, and this [taps on CD case] was the first exercise in that.

[The full cover image from the reissue of the deluxe edition of Opheliac.]

This came out of ultimate tragedy, and that basically became my tool to say fuck you to anything and not give a fuck what a fan thought, what anybody in the audience thinks, what anybody thinks of that, because if I do compromise a note of it then it won’t be a real, and ultimately they won’t appreciate it because a fan doesn’t want to be catered to. We think they do, so we do it, and we try to give them what they want, but that’s not our job. Our job as theater people or real musicians or any pompous thing we want to say we are is about giving something new and saying, “I’m changing things,” or, “I’m doing something different”. If nobody comes to the shows, if nobody buys the record, I’m going to do the exact same thing in my living room. I’m going to make the exact same music. I think why I have any fans at all is because they’re well aware of that, and I think they also relate to it more because if you try to pander to somebody you’re going to get a percentage of people that are into that. But if you do something really real — the fact is that none of us are that special or different — if I’m saying this and it’s honestly true, there are going to be a lot of people that that’s also honestly true to. That happens with anything that we say about us that is real. In a funny way, it’s the same as if a band writes a song that’s about a girl’s name — a song about Helen, [for] all the Helens of the world, that’s going to be their song. So all suicidal, bipolar people of the world, this is the place for you. This is a home for you. There’s something for everybody. And there’s something for people who like to be entertained and watch girls do burlesque acts and hang from the ceiling or sing a nice song. We don’t discriminate.

Over the last two decades we’ve had more female artists deal with serious issues like sexual abuse or sexual assault, including yourself, Fiona Apple, Amanda Palmer, Kristeen Young and Tori Amos. Twenty years ago you wouldn’t have had so many people addressing these issues. At least there is that change. And it’s sad because there are a lot of things that are taboo even now, but the thing is rape is kind of old and sexual abuse of a child is kind of old. There are a lot of issues honestly to do with mental health that are completely un-talked about because they’re completely not understood at all and nobody wants to talk about them. Nobody wants to talk about cutting yourself. Nobody wants to talk about suicide. Sexual abuse is somewhat acceptable because a lot of people do it. At least one of four women is raped. Those are the ones that report about it, that we know about, and I would know. That’s reality. So we’re all like, “Oh God, we need to deal with this thing.” And we do, but nobody wants to talk about what goes inside these places and nobody wants to talk about what it is actually like inside your head because it’s terrifying. 

Clearly I’ve got all of these things I want to tell people, but I’m not into preaching. I think that’s the most ineffective way possible. The most effective way to get your thing out there is through entertainment and comedy and sarcasm and subliminal all of that. If you have a good message, that’s the way to do it. Telling people, “Let’s deal with sexual abuse!” That’s bullshit. The way to actually reach the most people is when they don’t even know what hit ’em, and they can laugh at it. We laugh at it and make it ridiculous and make it a show and make it entertainment. And making it something fabulous and making something that’s supposed to kill me, making that the thing that’s keeping me alive, is just sweet irony. And what’s better than that, honestly? You’re embracing the madness. Exactly. I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t exist. If you’re going to call me crazy, I’m going to make crazy awesome. That’s what’s going to happen. I will own it. “Yeah, I’m fucking nuts. Come to my show and watch it and enjoy. And guess what? There’s a place for you because we’re all fucking nuts, whether we have a bottle that says so or not.” That’s why it’s for everybody. Everybody understands something that goes on here if they open up enough to really listen to it.

[Fashion, Emilie Autumn style. Here she models someone else's creation, but she designs and makes clothes, too.]

What is the most personal song for you and the most emotionally draining? The song I can die after writing, the song that makes me think should I even write anything anymore — not because it’s the best song in the world but because it says everything I ever need to say about anything — is “The Art Of Suicide”. That’s it, done, I’m out.

No pun intended. Pun intended. No, everything is about me jumping off a bridge. But making it hilarious. The most emotionally draining song is “Gothic Lolita,” so much so that we’ve never performed it.

If one listens to that song without really paying attention to the lyrics, it doesn’t sound too dark. Which is the point. It’s supposed to be a thing that you can listen to when you’re driving in your car. It isn’t out to attack people, but for the people who have that place within them, I hope it will resonate in some deeper way. But all I want to do is make good music. I choose if it’s going to be about this or that, but as a musician the first goal is just to write good music and play good music and be a musician — me having my ways to tell the truth about things, about myself essentially. This is a way to do it. This is a way to say everything that you’re afraid to say in real life.

If you were grappling with bipolar during the time you were a classical musician, how did the strong discipline required in that world conflict with your emotional state of mind? The discipline has never been a problem because even when I’m in a manic state…it’s a sad thing and is the reason why a lot of bipolar people have been asked, “Would you become normal if you could?” Even though their lives are absolutely miserable by this thing, a lot of them say no because they’re afraid to give up the manic side, which is the first thing to get treated. You’ll never be entirely not depressed, but you will not have extreme highs where you are just uncontrollable. The problem, and for me as well, is that I need to be medicated otherwise I couldn’t do my job and I would be dead, but a lot of my music is written or has been written in a manic state. I now need to find a different way to write that doesn’t come immediately from either an insanely depressed state or a manic state. That’s just a lifelong adventure to try to find that place, and it’s fine. We all have our something. I’m not any worse off than anybody else. Everybody’s got something to deal with. It’s just that I’m louder because I have a microphone. That’s all.

[Emilie Autumn live in Frankfurt, Germany, 2007. (Photo credit: Matthias Gawlista.)]

It’s funny because there are some people who think all artists are tweaked to some degree to be able to do what they do. I have “strange” habits, often time work late at night and keep unusual hours, but that’s the way I’m the most creative. The thing about working in a creative field where essentially you are your own boss — which I am at this point — is that most people don’t want this job. It’s much easier — and I respect it and envy it sometimes — being told what to do and having a 9-to-5 [job] that is structured. You go home at 5 and have weekends. I don’t go home. I don’t stop working at five o’clock. I don’t start working at nine o’clock. I don’t get weekends off. And that’s a great thing, but I figure we’re all built for what we’re doing, if we’re lucky enough to find it. I don’t think most people would want to be doing what I’m doing. Thank God because we need the people on stage and we need the people to be in the audience. One is not better than the other, but it takes both of us to make a show happen.

[One of the many Emilie Autumn EPs on the market.]

It’s great that you can be so forthright about it. I’m just over faking it. It became too exhausting and it���s a waste of time, so either I tell the truth about everything, which is what the book is��� Everybody thinks they know, but as MTV says, “You have no idea.” We joke about that all the time. They think they know how crazy or how dark or whatever, but the real story is very different and nobody’s prepared for it. I’ll probably get shot for saying it — which probably sounds very self-important — but we don’t like to talk about abortion, we don’t like to talk about self harm, and it’s all in there. And honestly, I just don’t give a damn anymore. If it ends badly I don’t care, it had to be done anyway. So it’s worth it to just not be afraid anymore. The only thing I’m afraid of anymore is myself, so at least we’ve narrowed it down. Because that’s the only thing that can really hurt me now.

[fuckyeahstephensondheim]

Rick Pender knows his Sondheim from A to Z

If the word “encyclopedia” conjures for you a 26-volume compendium of information ranging from history to science and beyond, you may find the notion of a Stephen Sondheim Encyclopedia perplexing. But if you have ever looked at a bookshelf full of book after book about (and occasionally by) the premiere musical theatre composer-lyricist of our era and wished all that information could be synthesized and indexed in one place, maybe the idea of a Sondheim encyclopedia will start to make a little more sense to you. It did to Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, an independent publisher that’s made encyclopedias such as this one of their calling cards, offering tomes on everyone from Marie Curie to Akira Kurasowa. Several years ago, they approached Rick Pender, longtime managing editor of the gone but never forgotten Sondheim Review and now, after years of research, writing, and pandemic-related delays, the The Stephen Sondheim Encyclopedia is finally hitting shelves. I sat down with Rick (via Zoom) to chat about this unique, massive project.

FYSS: I want to really focus on the new book, but we should start with your history with Sondheim and The Sondheim Review. How did you become so enmeshed in this work?

RP: As a teenager, the first LP that I bought was the soundtrack from West Side Story, and I didn't have any clue about who much of anybody was, particularly not Stephen Sondheim. But I loved the lyrics for the songs, especially “Something’s Coming” and “Gee, Officer Krupke.” These are just fabulous lyrics.

Then, of course, in the ‘70s it was hard as time went by not to have some awareness of Sondheim. I saw a wonderful production of Night Music in northeast Ohio, and I again just thought these lyrics are incredible, and I love the music from that particular show. Fast forward a little further in the late ‘80s, I was laid up with some surgery and I knew I was going to be bedridden for a week or two anyway, so I went to the public library and grabbed up a handful of CDs, and in that batch was A Collector's Sondheim, the three-disc set of stuff up through about 1985, and I must have listened to that a hundred times, I swear, because it had material on it that I didn't know anything about like Evening Primrose or Stavisky. So that really opened my eyes.

Later, my son had moved to Chicago. He's a scenic carpenter and a union stagehand. He worked at the Goodman Theatre, and I went to see a production when they were still performing in a theater space at the Art Institute of Chicago, and they had a gift shop there. And lo and behold in the rack I saw a copy of a magazine called The Sondheim Review! I thought, oh my gosh, I've got to subscribe to this! This would have been about 1996, probably, so I subscribed and enjoyed it immediately. A quarterly magazine about just about Stephen Sondheim struck me as kind of amazing.

In 1997-98 the Cincinnati Playhouse did a production of Sweeney Todd in which Pamela Myers, all grown up, played Mrs. Lovett, and so I wrote to the editor of the magazine and said, “Would you like me to review this?” That started me down a path for a couple of years of making fairly regular contributions to the magazine. Then in 2004 that editor retired, and I was asked to become the managing editor, which I did from 2004 to 2016. It went off the rails for some business reasons, but it lasted for 22 years which I think is pretty remarkable.

I tried to sustain it in an alternative form with a website called Everything Sondheim. We put stuff up online for about 18 months, and we published three print issues that look very much like The Sondheim Review, but we were not able to sustain it beyond that.

FYSS: How did the Encyclopedia project originate?

RP: The publisher asked me to write an encyclopedia about Stephen Sondheim! I envisioned that I would be sort of the general editor who coordinated a bunch of writers to put this together, but they said no, we're thinking of you as being the sole author. They had done a couple of other encyclopedias particularly of film directors, and those were all done by one person, so they sent me a contract asking me to generate 300,000 words for this book, and after I regained consciousness, I said all right, I'll give it a try.

It took me about two years – most of 2018 and ‘19 – to generate that content. I sent it off in the fall of ‘19, and then, well, the world stopped because of the pandemic. It was supposed to come out April a year ago, and they had just furloughed a bunch of their editors and everything stalled. But now it's coming out mid-April 2021.

FYSS: What was the research and writing process like?

RP: This project came about in part because the publisher initially approached another writer, Mark Horowitz, who's at the Library of Congress and who had done a Sondheim book of Sondheim on Music. Mark and I had become quite close because he wrote a number of wonderful features about different Sondheim songs for The Sondheim Review. When I heard that that he had put my name out there, I went back to him after I had agreed to do this and said, Mark, could we use some of that material that you wrote for the magazine about those songs? And he said, sure do with them whatever you wish. And I was glad he said that, because they were really long pieces, and I've reduced each of them to about 1500-2000 words, which I thought was probably about the maximum length that people would really want to read in a reference volume.

But other than that, I generated everything else myself. I relied upon plenty of material within the 22 years of back issues of The Sondheim Review. Another great resource was Sondheim's own lyric studies, the two-volume set which provides so much information about the production of shows and that sort of thing.

Of the 131 entries I wrote for this, 18 of them are lengthy pieces about each of the original productions, so again Sondheim's books were certainly useful for that, and other books like Ted Chapin's book about Follies.

I also spent some time in Washington, D.C. at the Library of Congress, and Mark loaned me a quite a bit of material that he had collected – not archival material but scrapbooks of clippings that he put into ring binders of stuff about Sondheim's shows.

I came back to Cincinnati with about four or five cartons of materials, and I could really dig through that stuff as I was working on these. And then I have, as I'm sure you and lots of other Sondheim fans have, a bookcase with a shelf or two of Sondheim books, and those were all things that I relied upon, too.

I actually generated a list with lots and lots of topics, probably over 200, and I knew that was going to be more than I could do. Eventually, some things were consolidated, like an actor who perhaps performed in just one Sondheim show wasn't going to get a biographical entry, but I would talk about them in the particular show that they were involved in. So, I was able to collapse some of those kinds of things. But as I said, I did end up with 131 entries in the publication, and it turned out to be 636 pages, so that's a big fat reference book.

FYSS: Who is the intended audience for a work like this? RP: The book is really intended to be a reference volume more than a coffee-table book. It does have photography in it, but it's black and white and more meant to be illustrative than to wallow in the glories of Sondheim. There is an extensive bibliography in it, and all the material is really thoroughly sourced so people can find ways to dig into more.

FYSS: Sometimes memories diverge or change over time. Did you come across any contradictions in your research, and how did you resolve them?

RP: I can't say that I can recall anything like that. I relied very heavily on Sondheim's recollections in Finishing the Hat and Look, I Made a Hat because he's got a memory like a steel trap. Once in a while I would email him with a question and get very quick response on things. I really used him as my touchstone for making sure of that kind of thing.

I also found that Secrest’s biography was very thoroughly researched, and I could rely on that. But I can't say that I found a lot of discrepancy, and some of those kinds of things were a little too much inside baseball for me to be including in the encyclopedia.

FYSS: For figures with long and broad histories, how did you decide what to include? George Abbott, for example, is the first entry in the book and he worked for nine decades! How important was writing about an individual as they relate to Sondheim vs. who they were more generally?

RP: To use George Abbott as an example, I would say that the first things that I did was to go back to the lyric studies and to the Secrest biography and just look up references to Abbott. I mean, it was George Abbott who said that he wanted more hummable songs from Sondheim, so you know that was certainly an anecdote that was worth including because, of course you know, it becomes a little bit of the lyric in Merrily We Roll Along. 

So you know, I would look for those kinds of things, but I also wanted to put Sondheim in context because Abbott was well into his career when he finally directed Forum which, since it was Sondheim's first show as a composer and a lyricist, is significant. That was very much the focus of that entry, but I wanted to lay a foundation in talking about Abbott, about all the things that he had done before that. I mean, he was sort of the Hal Prince of his era in in terms of his engagement in so many different kinds of things – writing plays, directing musicals, doctoring shows, all of that.

FYSS: Did any entries stick out to you as being the hardest to write?

I think the most complicated one to write about probably was Bounce/Road Show because it's got a complicated history, and Sondheim has so much to say about it. And because it's not a show that people know so much about, I wanted to treat it appropriately, but not as expansively as all of that background material might have suggested. So I kind of had to weave my way through that one. It also was a little tough to write about, because how do you write a synopsis of a show that has had several incarnations quite different from one another, and musical material that has changed from one to the other? With shows like that, I particularly tried to resort to the licensed versions of the shows. 

FYSS: I haven't had a chance to read the book cover-to-cover yet, but I did read the Follies and the Into the Woods entries to try to get a sense of how you covered individual shows, and both of those are shows that had significant revisions at different times. And I thought you made it very clear what they were and also where to go for a reader who wants to learn more.

RP: Let me say one other thing this is not directly on this topic, but it sort of relates, and that is that in writing an encyclopedia, I didn't want to overlay a lot of my very individual opinions about things, but with each of the show entries I tried to review the critical comments that were made about the show in its original form, perhaps with significant revivals and that sort of thing, and then to source those remarks from critics at those various points in time. And of course, my own objectivity (or lack thereof) had something to do with what I was selecting, but I thought that was a good way to represent the range of opinion without having to make it all my own opinion.

FYSS: Did you feel any responsibility with regards to canonization when you made choices about what to include or exclude? What made the First National Tour of Into the Woods more significant than the Fiasco production, for example? Why do Side by Side by Sondheim & Sondheim on Sondheim get individual entries, but Putting It Together is relegated to the omnibus entry on revues?

RP: I guess that now you are lifting the curtain on some of my own subjectivity with that question. I tried to identify things that were particularly significant. I mean with the revues for instance, several of those shows – you know, particularly Side by Side by Sondheim, the very early ones – they were the ones I think that elevated him in people’s awareness. So, I think that to me was part of what drove that. And then shows that that were early touring productions struck me as being things that maybe needed a little bit more coverage. I think the Fiasco production was a really interesting one, but with the more recent productions of shows I just felt like there's no end to it if I begin to include a lot of that sort of thing.

FYSS: I mean it's so subjective. I'm not the kind of person who clutches my pearls and screams oh my goodness, how could you not talk about this or that. But I was surprised to see in your Follies entry that the Paper Mill Playhouse album was not listed among the recordings, for example. I imagine that once this book hits shelves you're going to be bombarded with people asking about their pet favorites.

RP: Oh, I'm sure, and maybe that will be a reason to do a second edition, which I’m totally ready to do.

The Sondheim Encyclopedia hits bookstore shelves April 15. It’s available wherever you buy books, but Rick has provided a special discount code for readers of Fuck Yeah Stephen Sondheim to receive 30% off when you order directly from the publisher. To order, visit www.rowman.com, call 800-462-6420, and use code RLFANDF30.

Celebrate the launch of The Sondheim Encyclopedia with a free, live online event featuring Rick Pender in conversation with Broadway Nation’s David Armstrong Friday, April 16 from 7:00 to 9:00 p.m. Eastern. More information and register here.

[halseyhazzard]

The Redemption of Judee Sill

Halsey Hazzard, fall 2018

for a writing class on pop culture criticism “So much sensationalist bullshit has been written about Judee Sill (by people who never knew her) focusing on her days as a hooker and a junkie.” So begins Pat Thomas’s interview with Tommy Peltier, a longtime friend and collaborator of Sill’s, in the liner notes to the recently and lovingly compiled “Songs of Rapture and Redemption: Rarities & Live.” He’s not wrong; in nearly all of the writing on Sill, her music, an inimitable blend of gospel, folk and country at once bluesy and baroque, plays second fiddle to the stranger- and sadder-than-fiction story of her all-too-brief life. Her eponymous 1971 debut and 1973’s Heart Food were met with praise from critics and her fellow songwriters alike; in 1973 Steve Holden called Judee a “most gifted artist, one who continues to promise almost more than I dare hope for.” Unfortunately — for Sill and for those who loved her, and for those of us who love her music — much of that promise never came to pass. She died in obscurity in 1979, leaving behind an unfinished third record and quietly ascending to the pantheon of young, brilliant musicians who died too soon.

It’s hard to write about Sill without relying on sensationalist bullshit. I suppose in writing this at all I’m contributing to the problem, but like so many others, I have joined the ranks of Sill’s devoted disciples, compelled to tell and retell her story to rectify fate’s perceived cruel disservice to a great talent. What emerges is not always a faithful portrait of the complicated artist Sill was, but rather a shifting and sometimes contradictory fable that cements Sill’s status as a legend — not, as she might have hoped, as “an extremely famous or notorious person,” but rather as the subject of a “story sometimes popularly regarded as historical but unauthenticated.”

The story goes something like this: Judee Sill was born Judith Lynne Sill to an average, unhappy middle class household in Los Angeles in 1944. She fell in with a rough crowd, got married, committed a series of crimes, got addicted to various drugs, went to jail, got married again. Eventually she cleaned up her act, put the gospel licks she’d learned in reform school to good use, and became the first act signed to David Geffen’s Asylum label. She put out two albums of intricate songs that married earthly desire and longing for heavenly salvation, populated with lonely cowboy types and vigilantes that sometimes seemed strikingly similar to Jesus. For a few shining years it seemed like Sill had made it. It soon became clear (the story goes) that fame was not what fate had in store for her. Until 2003, when Rhino issued Judee Sill and Heart Food on CDs for the first time as part of its Handmade series, Sill was “[u]nlamented and all but forgotten.” These are the words of Barney Hoskyns, who in a 2004 Guardian profile declared “[t]he tragic Judee Sill is well overdue for (re)discovery.” Since then, interest in Sill’s life and music has steadily increased thanks to a series of posthumous reissues and releases: 2005’s “Dreams Come True,” a two-disk set of unreleased recordings mixed by Jim O’Rourke (Sonic Youth, Wilco); Live in London: The BBC Recordings 1972-1973, released in 2007; and “Chariot of Astral Light,” an intimate collaboration with aforementioned Tommy Peltier recorded in the ‘70s and finally released in 2004.

In a review of the 2004 Intervention reissue of Judee Sill titled “The Judee Sill Cult Continues, This Time at 45RPM,” Michael Fremer of Analogplanet writes, “sometimes "legends" are created and nurtured simply by tragic circumstances. In Judee Sill's case add wasted talent and unfulfilled great promise that add up to a movie worthy story.” Sill’s life has yet to inspire a movie (although a seemingly-deserted IMDB page indicates at least one attempt at a documentary), but songwriter Laura Veirs’ “Song for Judee,” renders the Judee Sill legend in sparse yet cinematic detail. In it, Veirs’ voice echoes on top of warm, jangling guitars, the apparently upbeat melody betrayed by the sadness of the story it tells:

“You wrote “The Kiss” and it is beautiful

I can listen again and again

You never really got a break

From the car wrecks and the pain”

The crux of the Judee Sill legend is captured in these lines, which immediately identify Sill’s work with the tragic events of her life. Sill’s music is mentioned in Veir’s lyric but once, and only glancingly; it’s not even clear “The Kiss” is a song, or “Judee” a songwriter. Veirs’ appreciation for her music is given is as pretext for why the listener should care about Sill’s life, but it’s clear the main attraction here is tragedy. The rest of this atypical ode is not praise, but a retelling, addressed to Sill herself, of key moments in the legend of her life. What emerges is a tellingly concise fable that identifies Sill with the lonely phantom cowboys who populate her lyrical landscape.

Veirs appears to have lifted her narrative and several phrases from the BBC documentary. She mines in particular the commentary from Peltier, who says Sill was his best friend and shares the insights that would come to compose Veirs’ chorus: “You loved the Sons of the Pioneers and the Hollywood cowboy stars/you were just trying to put a hand to where we are.” She also borrows, nearly word-for-word, an introduction Judee gave during one of her London radio performances in 1972, describing her time “living in a ‘55 Cadillac, five people sleeping in shifts.” This almost creates an intimacy with Sill, whom Veirs had never met; however, there remains an insurmountable distance. Sill had been dead 35 years — as long as she was alive — by the time this ode was composed. While Veirs hints at Sill’s troubles in the first verse, only in the last verse does she make explicit what happened: “They found you with a needle in your arm, beloved books strewn ‘round at your feet”. The revelation gives the chorus retroactive prophetic relevance. The past tense, once wistful, is now crushing.

Her death, like her life, became part of the legend. There are general points of agreement: she had been in several car accidents, was using heroin again, and died of an overdose just after Thanksgiving 1979. Everything else is less clear. Though her death certificate reports she was found dead in her house in North Hollywood, a persistent rumor suggested she had disappeared to Mexico to live out her final days. Her death was reported as a suicide, but family members and friends maintain that the note found near her, a characteristic musing on death and redemption, was an idea for a song.

The title of a 2014 BBC Radio documentary by Ruth Barnes says it all: “The Lost Genius of Judee Sill.” Sill’s genius is preceded by its lostness. Sill herself comes last. Her music is mentioned too, of course. They quote Sill’s self-description of her work as “country-cult-baroque” and her professed influences, Bach and Pythagoras. (In some versions of the quote, Ray Charles is thrown in.) Yet every time, it seems, someone brings up that she wrote “Jesus Was a Crossmaker,” about JD Souther, that Graham Nash produced it. She was the inaugural artist on David Geffen’s Asylum, we’re told, .She opened for Crosby Stills and Nash, and Cat Stevens, and Gordon Lightfoot — and so on. These revelations are usually accompanied by astonishment at the fact that she failed to find the commercial success of her peers, despite her comparable — perhaps superior — talents.

Many have offered explanations about how this happened. There is a general consensus that her falling-out with Geffen played a role. It’s not exactly clear what happened. The word “faggot” was involved, but whether it was said live or on the radio, in reference to Geffen himself or a pair of his pink shoes, is up for debate. Whatever she said severed their relationship. Some contend that she may have been in love with him, and was hurt when he spurned her advances. Others point out that she was growing frustrated with what she saw as his lack of promotion for her music. By this point, she was already making no secret of her disdain for the “snotty rock bands” she had to open for, and I doubt this did her any favors.

The contradictions in people’s stories exacerbate the larger-than-life quality of her life and times, as do the many cliches used to tell her story. Headlines variously declare her “a star that fame forgot,” “L.A.’s doomed lady of the canyon who lost her genius to drugs,” a “mystic” who “walked among us.” The human Judee Sill is lost somewhere beneath this sensationalism. It is no wonder why her friends and family members, Tommy Peltier chief among them, feel so compelled to set the record straight by providing their version of events. In his remarks in “Songs of Rapture and Redemption,” Peltier is quick to discourage speculation about her drug use and past prostitution, declaring instead “She was just the most beautiful person.”

“Beautiful,” you may recall, was the only word Laura Veirs could come up with to describe “The Kiss.” When I first heard “The Kiss,” I was immediately struck by how inadequate the word was to describe what I was hearing. The song showcases the best of her efforts to induce mathematically precise intervals into intricate melodies that aren’t so much heard as felt. Her lyrics, confusing the sacred and profane, ride the thin ridge between love and logic, devotion and desperation. Over shifting and plaintive piano Sill sings a eulogy to stars bursting in the sky and begs a lover — god? — to come and hold her “while you show me how to fly.” I first heard “The Kiss” in a YouTube video, one of few that survives of her performing, whose introduction insists that she herself was determined to be a successful musician. Ironically, the video shows precisely why perhaps she couldn’t be: severe and guileless, Sill hunches over the piano as if it were all that exists, engrossed in the song’s intense and uncommercial emotional intensity.

Sill’s idiosyncrasies are on full display in “Songs of Rapture and Redemption”, a compilation whose greatest strength is its commitment to capturing the artist and all her contradictions in her own words. The sleeve features a candid photograph of a smiling Sill, alongside several of her paintings and drawings. The tracks included are a combination of live recordings, demos, and studio outtakes that lay bare the deceptive complexity of her compositions. In the Boston Music Hall performance that opens the record, Sill, armed only with an acoustic guitar, tells the audience “I’m going to sing you a few little songs before David [Crosby] and Graham [Nash] get here. I’d like to sing you this song called “The Vigilante”. It’s new, I hope I remember the words.” The self-effacing introduction notwithstanding, what follows is nothing short of revelatory.

An early highlight is “Enchanted Sky Machines,” a bluesy number about waiting for the end of the world where she trades her distinctive fingerpicking for pentecostal piano licks she picked up in reform school. There is an aching earnestness to the way she sings of swallowing her yearning, and it carries over into “The Archetypal Man,” which begins with Sill singing the song’s opening harpsichord solo. Before “Crayon Angels,” she describes how she would call up friends as she was writing the album and sing them instrumental solos, joking that it must have been hard for them to like her in those days. The crowd is in on it, and her self-deprecating humor belies a clear confidence in her talents and her musical vision that is justified by the virtuosic grace of her playing. Sill was a perfectionist who demanded and deserved creative control, a notoriously laborious songwriter who could be a tyrant in the studio, and these tendencies are on full display even in this humble solo set. When she introduces her second last song, “The Lamb Ran Away With the Crown,” she enunciates every word, then repeats it again — ”with. the. crown.” — determined to ensure the the audience walks away knowing exactly what she was saying.

The set ends with Judee’s signature song, “Jesus Was a Crossmaker,” which had only just been released to radio two days prior. She calmly reveals the song’s inspiration, an unhappy relationship with a “bandit and a heartbreaker,” and describes waking up one day with the conviction “that even that wretched bastard was not beyond redemption.” Her diction is clear, her tone less so. The audience, nonetheless moved, cheers and laughs. She goes on: “It’s true, I swear. It saved me, this song. It was writing this song or suicide. It’s called “Jesus is a Crossmaker” and I hope you like it.” Her voice seems monotonous for such an emotional confession, but that stops mattering as soon as the song begins.

Instantly her singing voice, freed from the perfectionism of her studio recordings, reveals itself as strikingly human. Precise, unadorned, free of vibrato, it is flat in places, sharp in others, yet cuts to the rhythmic core of each note. She struggles with a few of the intervals she has given herself to sing, but this only enhances the song, giving human voice to the mathematical precision of her compositions, linking the downtrodden with the divine. With her unpretentious voice and deceptively simple language, she strives to speak redemption into being. Her longing for it is audible.

Such longing is a key theme in much of sill’s work, and nowhere is it more pronounced than in “Crayon Angels”:

Crayon Angel songs are slightly out of tune

But I'm sure I'm not to blame

Nothing's happened, but I think it will soon

So I sit here waiting for God and a train to the Astral plane

Later in the song, she confesses “Guess reality is not as it seems so I sit here hoping for truth, and a ride to the other side”. Sill knows the truth she longs for is unattainable, at least in this lifetime — but she remains unflagging in her belief in something. It is this belief that motivates her music. To characterize Sill as a god-given genius laid low by fate undercuts her formidable musical ambition, and the sincerity with which she approached her craft. The work she created was not purely inspired by the divine, but instead strove for it, confronting the inevitable impossibility of reaching perfection with the all-too-human drive for beauty in the face of death. Still, one gets the sense that Sill herself, enthralled as she was with cowboy stories and cosmic secrets, might appreciate the mythic proportions her life story has taken. I like to think that she’s made it to the Astral plane, and that wherever she is, she’s smiling.

[gayenerd]

This interview was the cover story for the 17th issue of Jaded In Chicago. It was conducted in September of 2004, several weeks prior to the release of American Idiot. It was a fitting end to the fanzine that was named after the band, as “Jaded In Chicago” references Green Day’s 1994 MTV concert special. To come full circle by interviewing the band that inspired the zine’s moniker was somewhat surreal.

With the release of American Idiot, Green Day has transcended punk rock. By crafting the first punk rock opera and fashioning what is likely the first tasteful concept album of the new millennium, they’ve provided pop punk bands everywhere with a blueprint for how to mature gracefully. Additionally, as much as American Idiot is about innovation, it’s also a return to the fundamentals of punk rock. The album sears with dissent, takes aim between the eyes of the Bush administration and contains a dangerous sense of unpredictability. It’s been ten years since Green Day was the most popular band in the world and with any luck American Idiot will allow them to recapture that title in no time. (Interview with drummer Tré Cool).

Bill – Before we talk about American Idiot, I wanted to discuss the infamous “lost” album first. About a year and a half ago, you guys recorded what was to be the follow-up to Warning, but reportedly the master tapes were stolen. What can you tell me about what happened?

Tré – We just knew that if it ever came out, we couldn’t do any of those same songs on the actual record. If somebody puts it out, like crappier versions of the songs, it’s going to totally ruin it. Plus, it happened right around the same time that Billie wrote the song “American Idiot” and most of “Holiday.” We were in the middle of working on those songs, so we just decided not to look back and we kept going forward.

Bill – I’ve read that you feel American Idiot is “maximum Green Day.” Why exactly do you feel this way?

Tré – Well, because we’re firing on all cylinders, ya know? Everything about even just being in the band now feels so right. Everything from the recording process to the live shows to our ambitions. This might sound kind of dumb, but even the clothes we’re wearing during photo shoots. It’s more together like a band.

Bill – People are certainly expecting this record to be political, but I think they’re going to be surprised when they hear how you really go for the throat with some of the lyrics. Examples of this would of course be the title track and also the breakdown section of “Holiday.” What are some of the main reasons why you’re so pissed off with this country?

Tré – It’s more like confused and jaded, if you will, (laughs). The bombardment of bullshit, fake news, like Fox News and CNN. All the reality-based shit that’s on television, stuff like Fear Factor that the government is using to keep everybody like good little sheep and not asking too many questions. It’s like how if a cop hears you use the word “terror” it basically means he can take any normal American citizen’s rights away from them. A cop can do that at his or her discretion if they think you might be a terrorist or whatnot. The whole Patriot Act. It’s like do we actually have any rights after all? We don’t have the right to a proper election, we already found that out. The fabric of our government right now is basically just made out of one hundred dollar bills that are drenched in oil. As far as this upcoming election goes, I know that John Kerry is extremely conservative and he’s nowhere near the liberal we need in the White House to clean up the mess. However, he’s not George Bush. Kerry’s money is in ketchup. Bush’s money is in oil and blood. I’d choose ketchup over that, (laughs).

Bill – How do you hope people react to these songs?

Tré – I hope they can look past the strong language and go into the meaning of it. I hope they realize there’s a bit of sarcasm. I hope they don’t feel that we’re telling them what to do. We’re just sort of pointing the fingers at ourselves, saying like “I don’t want to be an American idiot or I don’t want to be a part of this bullshit.”

Bill – Talk about the character called “Jesus of Suburbia.” What sort of journey does he embark on throughout these songs and what made you choose this type of format for your songwriting?

Tré – The album is sort of like a timeline of his life. Depending on where you’re at with your life, you probably fit somewhere on that timeline yourself. Whether it’s the “Holiday” party stage, or the “Give Me Novacaine” drug stage or the “Extraordinary Girl” being in love stage; all these different stages in life show that what paths you choose will inevitably lead you somewhere. It’s not necessarily the happiest ending in the world, but it’s pretty realistic.

Bill – Are you at all worried about some of your fans possibly being alienated by the two nine-minute rock operas found on the album?

Tré – I don’t think they’ll even notice they’re nine-minute songs. They’ll think they’re a bunch of short songs put together. It’s definitely short attention span theater. It’s not like Wilco, where they have a ten-minute song with the same drumbeat and the same chord progression. Not saying anything bad about Wilco, they’re a fine band. They’re great to relax to and drink iced tea to, (laughs). I think we’d get bored doing that. We just sort of get to the point, say what we want to say and move on to the next part of the song. The way the energy flows in the songs is sort of like the way America is now too, just so scattered. There’s a big misrepresentation of how we feel in this bullshit climate right now.

Bill – One of the most important topics you address on this record is the American media. Specifically, how it perpetuates fear amongst the public and does little to question the President’s follow-through on his promises. Do you think the average American is aware of how the wool is being pulled over their eyes?

Tré – No, not at all. Say you see some guy driving down the street with a Bush/Cheney sticker on his Chevy S-10, beat-up truck with a pair of flip-flops hanging off the back. I want to ask him, “Why the fuck are you a Republican? What’s in it for you, dude?” Bush isn’t doing a thing for those people. He’s not helping them get a better truck or put food on the table. He’s not going to give them a tax break. Republicans don’t care about you. They’re not going to try and help you in any way. They just want to use you and get your dead peasants insurance once you’re gone.

Bill – Tell me about the upcoming club dates that you have scheduled where you plan to perform American Idiot in its entirety. Who came up with the idea and what are you looking forward to most about it?

Tré – I’d credit Pete Townshend with the idea. We’ve always admired The Who and their lack of inhibition as far as going for whatever crazy idea they had. As crazy as something like Tommy was when it was just a small idea, compared to what it’s become now, it’s pretty insane. They did A Quick One, where they played that live. That was a quick one, but ours is an hour. Basically, we just want to kick The Who’s ass. I listened to Who’s Next yesterday, which a lot of people are comparing American Idiot to. We totally got them beat. I’ve always aspired to be as good of a drummer as Keith Moon and I think I’ve fuckin’ passed by him on this record.

Bill – Roughly ten years ago, Dookie was released and went on to sell over ten million copies and become one of the most notable albums of the ‘90s. A decade later, I think you’ve constructed in American Idiot what is arguably your strongest record yet. Is there anything specific that you hope American Idiot accomplishes?

Tré – Yeah, I think it’s about time that people think of Green Day in a different light. We’re not snot-nosed kids anymore, we’re men now. I want people to think of us more as one of the mainstay supergroups of today. I’m not asking for too much, (laughs). We’re superheroes in our own minds. We think we’re really cool, why doesn’t everybody else?

Bill – What was the weirdest thing about being the biggest band in America in 1994?

Tré – I don’t think we really had time to enjoy it when it was happening. We were just trying to pay our rent and be able to make records for the rest of our lives. We didn’t know anything like that was ever going to happen. It sort of freaked us out a bit, but at the same time I was kind of busy just moving and doing it. We didn’t have time to look back since we were doing so much. By the time we had taken a break to make Insomniac it was like, “Do you guys know what you just did?” We were like, “Oh…shit.”

Bill – Earlier this year, Thick Records released the Out of Focus DVD, which featured live Green Day footage circa 1992. What are some of your favorite memories from playing at McGregor’s in Elmhurst, Illinois?

Tré – Demetri. Demetri was this male stripper that came onstage for some girl’s birthday at McGregor’s one night. They had her sit in this chair and the stripper did his thing for her. It was fuckin’ hilarious. In the middle of our show too. We took a timeout and let her get her strip on. I think that was the last time we played McGregor’s actually. I remember seeing State Street and I remember taking acid in Chicago. I remember going to the lake and wondering why all the fish were dead. I was inside Buckingham Fountain too. It was real hot out and I got in there during the Blues Fest. There were like a million people down there, but just one in the fountain. Of course this cop was like, “Get the fuck out of there! What are you thinking?” I was like, “I don’t know. I’m fried, dude.”

Bill – Do you have any comments regarding the rumors connecting members of Green Day to the mysterious band known as The Network?

Tré – The only connection is that their record was on Adeline, which is a label run by Billie Joe’s wife. That’s a few degrees of separation if you ask me. I think they’re getting a lot of mileage out of telling people they’re Green Day or pretending to be Green Day. The Network is not Green Day. Bastards.

Bill – Growing up I know that bands like the Ramones and The Who were very influential for you. What’s it like to now be one of the biggest influences on an entire generation of punk bands?

Tré – It’s kind of wild. Especially when younger bands meet you and they’re all nervous and stuff. You sort of get a little paternal with it, like “Ah…my children.” I feel like Michael Landon from Little House on the Prairie.

Bill – What has been the hardest part about achieving all the success you’ve attained?

Tré – I think you can pretty much choose what you want to deal with. You can choose for it to be difficult or you can enjoy it. It’s kind of up to the person.

Bill – After seven albums, what aspects of punk rock are still fresh and exciting to you?

Tré – I like seeing new bands. Bands that aren’t carbon-copied pop punk bands. Bands like Dillinger Four fuckin’ excite me. I think the Rock Against Bush compilation is a pretty damn good CD. There are some older bands on there that are still going strong and some younger bands that are real fresh and exciting too.

Bill – What does the future hold for Green Day?

Tré – I think whatever we put out next has got to be really fuckin’ good. After American Idiot we set the bar so high. It’s kind of like, “Now what are we going to do?”

[shefanispeculator]

Gwen Stefani had begun working on new music before the lockdown hit, but says it was only when she brought up the idea of reintroducing herself to her collaborators that inspiration struck. “I'm not trying to force myself on anyone, and I'm not trying to have a comeback,” she says with a laugh. “I’m simply going to do some music without feeling defensive about it. Whoever likes me can listen. If you don't like it, you can actually say you don't like it! I don't care. I just want to put music out.”

After cutting a song in February with rising songwriter and producer Luke Niccoli (who’s worked with buzzy acts like Yves Tumor, Miya Folick, and Joji), Stefani was virtually introduced to pop hitmaker Ross Golan (Selena Gomez, The Chicks, P!nk), who suggested the trio write about exactly what the singer was feeling: a desire to remind people that she’s not just records collecting dust on your shelf.

“Let Me Reintroduce Myself,” released Monday, is a feel-good return to the ska/pop/reggae hybrid — record-scratching, horns, a walking bass line — that Stefani perfected during her time fronting No Doubt. Using her downtime in Oklahoma during the pandemic to dig back into ska’s roots, she immersed herself in the history of the genre, leading her to feel like now was the right moment to return to the sounds that first put her on the map 30 years ago. “All of the riots had happened, and I just started thinking so much about when I started loving music and why,” she says. “It was eighth grade when I learned about ska and Madness and the Selecter and all those bands that started to define the kind of music that I felt like I fit into; here I was, this Catholic girl from Anaheim doing reggae music! But that music was all about unity and anti-racism, and that was in the '70s. Then we were doing it in the '90s. And now here we are, again, in the same old mess.”

After the “Let Me Reintroduce Myself” writing session in late August (for which she later cut her vocals safely at the Los Angeles studio, the Village), Stefani began referring to Golan and Niccoli as her “song soulmates,” joining forces on a handful of other Zoom-born songs since then that will, if all goes according to plan, see the light of day some time in 2021. But for now, the No Doubt singer’s new track is a welcome return to form after five seasons judging The Voice, twice topping the country charts with fiance Blake Shelton, and building upon the success of her first-ever Christmas album, 2017’s You Make It Feel Like Christmas. “I just said, "I want to do some reggae,’” she remembers. “And it was just this weird full circle moment, because as soon as I started telling whoever I was going into the studio about that, they were so inspired too.”

In a call late last week, Stefani walked EW through returning to solo music, revisiting her back catalogue on the heels of Tragic Kingdom’s 25th anniversary, and how some of her biggest hits have gained new resonance in recent years.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: How are you feeling knowing this song is about to come out? GWEN STEFANI: Under the circumstances, to be able to put out new music is just beyond a gift. Even if it wasn't a pandemic it would be exciting, but it's crazy with the pandemic, you know what I'm saying? I just didn't think it was going to come this year or that I'd be this lucky.

What was your headspace like as you went into writing and recording new solo material this year? Well, this is the deal: I haven't really put a record out in five years. That's a long time. I don't know how it went by so quickly. I would have loved to, but I was doing the Vegas show [Just a Girl] and that took up a lot of time. Before that, I toured the record before, [2016’s This Is What the Truth Feels Like], and the next thing you know, five years passed. I also was feeling like... "Does anyone really want to hear new music from me?" It's so much work to make new music, and I think about all the bands that I loved — I don't go looking for their new records. I just listen to the stuff that I liked in high school .

Somebody sent me a song called “When Loving Gets Old,” and I really loved it. Nobody sends me songs. Why doesn't anyone just send me, like, “Umbrella”? I got this song, I actually liked it. I went in to record it. The girl that sent it to me said, "They actually wrote this for you." And I was like, "Really? No wonder the lyrics feel so good. Why don't I write with them?” We wrote this song called “Cry Happy,” made up of all of these lyrics I’d written on my phone. We had this really great day, but I had to rush home to the kids. It's so different these days; you get there and you have to get home to cook dinner, so I didn't get to cut a demo. That was last February. And then we hit lockdown.

I spent a hundred days in Oklahoma, doing laundry and cooking. We had 15 people there. It was an incredible pause on life to be there at the ranch with the boys and just have this surreal lifestyle for a while, but nothing to do with the life included creating music or anything like that. But Blake happens to have a studio there and had to do some work and brought an engineer in. So I recorded the vocals on “Cry Happy,” and that was like lighting a match to a wildfire because I was like, “My god, I’ve got to do music."

You felt inspiration again? I felt all kinds of inspirations and ideas. It's like God saying, "You’ve got to do this now." When I get that urgency, you can't stop me. I'm like, “I’ve got to go write songs. That's what I need right now. And I don't even care if anyone hears them, or if they think they suck, I'm doing it, now.”

When I got back to L.A., I went into the studio. Everything was plastic-guarded. You get your temperature taken. Everybody's wearing masks. By then, all of the riots had happened. I started to go back and investigate ska and reggae, and I found all these documentaries about how ska was born in the 1960s, how that was linked to the Jubilee when Jamaica was being freed from England. Starting No Doubt, we were the third-wave imitating the 1960s.Then I found this documentary on a school in Jamaica called the Alpha Boys School, which was run by Catholic nuns. There's this little white Catholic nun called Sister Mary Ignatius Davies who helped nurture reggae music. You can see all these pictures of her with these little boys and they're learning these brass instruments. The first ska band that was ever born was these kids out of Alpha Boys School, the Skatalites. No Doubt used to listen to them. Doing my research, it all just felt so full-circle.

So this music was born out of that. I wanted to go back and make something that was joyful and back to my roots, where it all started. [Pre-pandemic] I’d been in the studio with Luke Niccoli and he's the one that said you really should work with my friend Ross, who turned out to be someone who really gets my sarcasm, and the fun side of my lyrics. We really hit it off.

With Luke, we taught each other a lot, especially when it came to ska and reggae, because I kept saying, "Dude, no, listen to Sublime. It has to have scratching in it. It has to be '90s." So he was discovering all this stuff that he didn't know, but bringing his technology and youth to the sound. It was a perfect kind of combination between the three of us. And we wrote a bunch of songs together and I know we're going to write more.

Lyrically, “Let Me Reintroduce Myself” addresses the idea of people thinking of you as a relic. Is that how you feel? At the beginning of this process, I feel like I had to make excuses for why I wanted to make new music. I felt like people were going to judge me and be like, "Well, you're like super old. Why would you even want to?" This is just how my brain works. Anyone would, you know what I mean? Everybody has their own fears or insecurities.

Ross’s reaction was [for us to incorporate] a way of saying, “Well, I haven't really gone anywhere if you really think about it.” I just had a No. 1 hit on [country] radio ["Nobody But You"] — two of them actually, because the next one's ["Happy Anywhere"] going to go No. 1 soon [Editor’s note: it did, 24 hours after our call]. We were just trying to say I haven't really gone anywhere. I'm still doing the same thing. I still wear the same kind of stuff that I've always worn. It's just an evolution.

“Let Me Reintroduce Myself” references your past, lyrically and visually. Some artists are really loath to look backwards, but you seem extremely willing to. Why is that? Five years ago, when my life blew up in my face, there was a lot of looking back. Music has always been a really amazing place to pour my heart and emotions into. It's like therapy.

When I was offered to do the Vegas show — a huge milestone for me — it was very reflective. I think it's an incredible thing to put out new music and have your sound evolve, whether it be through the No Doubt years or the three solo records I did. The first solo record [2004’s Love. Angel. Music. Baby.] was very much a dance record — that was the pop music when I was in high school that I wasn't into, but was the backdrop of my life. Back then, I said, "You know what? I want to try to make that kind of music. I want a dance song." It was so incredible to be able to work with all the talented people that I did and have such a different kind of sound like that, which made me want to do the second record, [2007’s The Sweet Escape].

The third solo record was not born in the same way. It didn't have a reference for the production. It was just, “How do I get through this time in my life? I've got to write these songs. I don't care how they're dressed up sonically. It's just getting them out.” During the process of doing that, I fall in love and I'm writing a song about my life basically being over and then starting to fall in love at the same time, all with one album.

After that, it was like, how do I evolve? When you do a new record, usually everything comes with that: the tour, the merch, the vibe. But when you're doing a Vegas show, you don't have a new song. You don't have anything new. How do you create a show around everything you've done? So there was a lot of looking back and thinking about, “How do I make this feel super nostalgic? How do I make this feel like, when everyone's coming from around the whole world to see me in this room, we have this common story, and that these songs were the backdrop to our lives?”

This year marked the 25th anniversary of No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom. How has that record changed meaning for you over the years? I don't really like anniversaries. I don't really celebrate like, “Oh, I wore that in 1995. Now it's 10 years later, woo!” But then when it actually happened and I started seeing everyone posting and seeing all the stuff that we had done — things I don't remember, until I see the image — I was just overwhelmed, like, "Oh my god, we did that?" It was a really emotional couple of days. I really enjoyed hearing just how much that record impacted people. It really is truly mind-blowing to me that I get to do music, let alone to be part of people's lives in that way. It's hard to wrap my head around it.

I'm really proud of Tragic Kingdom. It was a very weird album. I was so naive. I didn't even know how to write a song. I don't know how I wrote those songs because I didn’t know anything back then. But doing the Vegas show was a really reflective time, because doing a song like “Just a Girl” every night felt more relevant than ever, especially in the last couple of years with the rise of the #MeToo movement. It feels like history repeating itself. We've come far, but we haven't. I always thought that I would outgrow that song and be a woman and not be able to sing the words “I'm just a girl” anymore, but it felt more relevant than it ever felt in my whole life. It was bizarre.

[stylesnews]

The Columbia Records marketing team behind the elaborate Eroda campaign tells all.

Eroda: No Island Quite Like It.

That's the slogan for the perpetually cloudy, frown-shaped fishing isle just off the coast of England whose name looks a lot like the title of a song on Harry Styles' upcoming Fine Line album, "Adore You" spelled backwards. And, if you haven't figured it out now that the elaborate, Dave Meyers-directed visual for the latest single from the singer's sophomore album is out, all those mysterious come-ons you've been seeing to visit the land that time (and maps) forgot was, indeed, an elaborate, calculated ruse to get Stylers pumped for the album's Dec. 13 release.

"The campaign was many months in the making and essentially this is the world that Harry and Dave Meyers built in the brilliant video... they built this incredible, dreamy world with all these different characters and stories and super-strong storytelling, a lot of emotion and interesting messages," Manos Xanthogeorgis, svp of Digital Marketing & Media at Columbia Records tells Billboard. "And then our job was to build this online and build this story and create anticipation for what was to come.”

After the fantasical video about a boy with million-watt teeth who teaches the glum imaginary island how to smile again via his friendship with a magical fish was filmed in August, the Columbia marketing team began the hard part: figuring out how to build a detailed digital world that would amp Stylers up for the big reveal. "When you have a video and a piece of art at such a level, it's an incredible challenge for the rest of the team to build a campaign at that same level of artistry and creativity," says Xanthogeorgis.

Luckily, Styles and Meyers had created a rich world with dozens of locations and characters that Xanthogeorgis and his team spent hours studying, looking for clues they could use in the stealth campaign by putting themselves in the shoes of Stylers (who see clues everywhere). There was a firm, detailed plan in place before the effort officially went live on Nov. 18 with the reveal of the innocuous-looking Eroda homepage, but, as always, Stylers had their own ideas.

As much time as the marketing team put into sprinkling crumbs across the internet, Columbia director of Digital Marketing John Salcedo says they spent almost as many hours watching and listening to how fans were reacting and revealing tidbits, working in real time and pivoting the treasure hunt based on what the amateur detectives dug up. "When they found [something] we adjusted and/or leaned on it to make sure that they could further go down the rabbit hole," says Salcedo.

The "real-time marketing" meant that the plan shifted every day, with the team working around-the-clock to read comments, dig into chat rooms, Reddit and elaborate Twitter threads filled with clues they'd planted and some they hadn't in order to see where the audience was going so they could toss seeds in the right places. "This whole campaign was around mystery and sometimes mystery is more powerful than knowldege," says Xanthogeorgis, noting that digital native fans are so used to finding any information they want very quickly online, that creating a world where answers are hard to come by was a delicious twist.

What was even more fun was seeing all the other niche groups that dove into the maw, including ARG heads, who were certain that it was a stealth campaign for some new killer digital game, or Black Mirror fans, who were convinced that Eroda was part of a new season of the hit Netflix future shock show. Even Dungeons & Dragons diehards thought Eroda might be a new fantasy world. The beauty was that Eroda was so vague that all those theories could potentially be true, which is why Xanthogeorgis and Salcedo purposely didn't do anything to dissuade rogue theories.

At one point Xanthogeorgis, who is Greek, says that even he questioned if Eroda was real after a theory posited that it was at the center of the world and definitely connected to Greek mythology. "It freaked me out how well they knew Greek mythology... it was super amusing and cool sitting on reddit and reading all these theories," he says, adding that other theories suggested Eroda was somehow stuck in time like the island in Lost.

"We wanted to keep the tone cryptic [like] we don't really know how to use social," says Salcedo of mimicking the kind of small town/island travel agency that might not necessarily know how to best answer your question, down to a purposely busted merch link. Some bunk clues included the 2004 copyright footing on the Eroda home page, meant to throw off the scent of deep-diggers who posted X-Files-like videos breaking down all the clues they'd found. And if they're being honest, Harry's fans are so dedicated that Salcedo says they somehow found the hidden first test tweet in the campaign sent in October, weeks before the official launch on Nov. 18. "This fan base is brilliant," he says. "They literally already had a hunch and figured it out 36 hours in! They had every answer ready to go."

"The most difficult part was to keep it on-brand, the mystery and the tone very, very specific," says Xanthogeorgis, who noted that real-time marketing can sometimes lead to the kind of impulsive decision-making that might have tipped the team's hand if they weren't careful. "Everything we tweeted had its purpose and there was a lot of thought behind it."

Keeping in mind, of course, that some of the clues made no sense at all in an effort to encourage Stylers to poke around every corner. "Beautiful pictures and beautiful narration of nothing," Xanthogeorgis laughed about the pretty, but intentionally vapid Eroda Instagram feed and trying-to-look official travel ad. Salcedo's proudest moment was creating and planting real-life Eroda travel brochures around New York and in Barnes & Nobles bookstores that made the whole project "larger than life."

The results speak for themselves. In the lead-up to Friday's reveal of the "Adore You" video, there were dozens of bootleg merch items available, from t-shirts and posters to rugs, stickers and shower curtains, as well as the ultimate tribute: an Urban Dictionary entry. For Xanthogeorgis, that kind of spontaneous activity showcases the power of a fictional brand that didn't exist two weeks ago, but has suddenly spawned its own virtual world of spin-off items and activity.

With "everyone" on the Columbia marketing team on deck for the campaign -- as well as Styles and his management heavily involved -- Xanthogeorgis says the hard work paid off with more than four million impressions on Twitter when the effort launched the weekend before Thanksgiving -- and "hundreds of millions" to date -- as well as a No. 1 world trending hashtag almost all day on Thursday (Dec. 5) in the lead-up to the song and video's debut.

Thursday also brought a Facebook post encouraging fans to pack their bags for the long-awaited voyage to Eroda. "They're incredibly smart, they're brilliant the way they pieced it all together," says Xanthogeorgis, who hoped fans would have their OMG moment when they finally got confirmation that it was indeed a Harry subterfuge on Friday morning once all those clues that made no sense finally came into view.

"In this day and age when there is so much out there getting people to pay attention to one thing is really satifsying," says Xanthogeorgis.

[rq-s]

Title: Falling Down 

Pairing: Xu Minghao / NB!Reader

Genre: Light Angst & Platonic OR Romantic

Word Count: 2.9k+

Warnings: None. However, I do interpret the timeline and meaning of his lyrics loosely. I can’t and don’t claim that it’s the “correct” way to do so; he wrote it to be ambiguous for a wide audience to enjoy. Please watch the Falling Down Making Film for clarity.

Credits: ENG Translation of Falling Down 

Summary: You and Minghao have been consistent penpals since 2004, sharing each other’s cultures, languages, passions, and lives as you both grew up. 2014 came around and letter from him only came in 4 times, and only 1 in 2015. The last this you ever heard from him read he was a bird in a cage.

Notes: Italic = letter  ... = omitted letter content 

My Masterlist

Spring 2004

“How about this one, honey?” Mom handed me a postcard from a spot on the rack that I couldn’t reach. The large font caught my attention and told me it was a landscape picture of the closest national park. Though nothing in the picture was recognizable, it reminded me of camping, which made me smile despite having never been before.

“Sure.” Was all I said, and I followed her as she pushed our full shopping cart to the register and began chatting with the cashier.

Like usual, I quickly put the postcard on the conveyor belt along with the groceries. As soon as it was empty, I went to the bagging station and put the scanned and bagged items back into the cart. Making sure to the boxes and cartons together neatly like Tetris, careful not to squish the bread.

“What a diligent little kid you have!” The cashier spoke, her voice worn with age, but with a sense of joy that reminded me of a stereotypical grandmother.

“She always says I do it wrong.” Mom joked, smirking at me. She never did let go of my “If you want it done right, do it yourself.” attitude I had even as a kid.

 Mom finished paying, and we went put into the chilly morning air of the parking lot that was made even colder by the shadow of the supermarket. I once again moved the bags from the cart to the trunk and brought the cart to the nearest drop off spot while Mom started the car.

The ride home was mostly silent, save for the sound of the road beneath the wheels and the hum of the heater.

“Thanks for letting me do the penpal thing, Mom.”

“You’re welcome, but remember the deal; you get more chores to do. You’re 7 years old now, you can handle doing the dishes by yourself, right?” The tone of her voice was completely serious, but I couldn’t help but laugh.

“I’ve been helping with the dishes for years, and I’ve learned from the best. I’ve got this!”

 When we got home, I scoured the bags for that postcard, and luckily it was only bent on one corner. I wrote down bit of info about that park - whatever Google told me, and set it aside. I grabbed the template application from my school binder and filled in the blanks. 

Hello! My name is _____________, I’m __ years old, and I am from ________! I am learning Mandarin, but I’m still a beginner. I hope to learn more about your culture and language as we exchange letters!

For now, I will tell you a bit about myself. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Along with this letter is a postcard and other information about where I am from!

I hope to hear from you soon!

Signed,

_____________

It was a pretty basic template that we had to copy from, and in retrospect, it was cringy as all heck, but it had to be formatted juuust right and follow the guidelines exactly, or the penpal program admin’s wouldn’t accept it.

From what I was told, someone from China who’d also applied and been approved would be paired with me, based on age and interests. Only this first letter was prewritten. Once we were paired up, the letters themselves and the mailing of them was up to me and my family. 

I was lucky I got a match at all, most of the kids in my class didn’t. I learned pretty quickly why: I was the only one who put “dancing” as an interest.  

Summer 2007

...

This was a frog I found at the lake! Mom got mad that I touched it, and when it jumped out of my hands and back into the water, it got mud all over us!! 

Later we had a barbecue and some other campers came buy, but their kids were teenagers and didn’t wanna play with me, so here is a picture of me pouting in the tent instead of having fun. 

...

This is the last one, when we finally got home from the long car ride. we all were sunburned really bad, but it looks like you can see freckles on my face because of it! 

Whenever either of us would go on trips, even just to the water park or to a festival, we’d take Polaroid pictures to send. Most the earlier pictures Minghao sent were of him at tournaments, then they turned into selfies from after dance practice. It wasn’t until they were in their teens that he began to take more artsy pictures, with the occasional selfie thrown in. He’d always put at least one polaroid in each envelope, and photography quickly became one of the many things he excelled at. 

Winter 2010

…

And I still can’t believe you were on TV!! Twice!!! All these letters… I can use them as blackmail someday when you’re a superstar! Muahah!!

I’m not nearly as good as you still, but Miss Lilly says my footwork has gotten a lot better! I wish you could teach me, but words don’t have the same effect as seeing it. I doubt I’d get it even if you tried to explain… and don’t even think about trying to teach me any martial arts, my brain will melt!!

…

My letters were always a bit longer than Minghao’s, and were full of run on sentences and unorganized thoughts. He was always clear and concise, yet sensitive. He always gave strong and encouraging advice on my Mandarin, but my English tips barely seemed to help him. I always cared more about getting to know him and telling my own stories than about practicing. Though, I don’t know what stories I had worth telling as a 13 year old. We contrasted each other a lot, and Mom said it made us a better fit for each other.

It wasn’t a weekly thing, but we always wrote when we could and has a steady back and forth. Sometimes the envelopes were thick, with many pages, postcards, candies, cool leaves or rocks we’d found, songs we had been listening too; things we cared about and wanted to share. But sometimes they were thin, barely a page long, with hastily written characters and a sincere apology. Both made me smile the same just the same – both showed how much he cared.

 Spring 2012

Perhaps it was because we were the same age, and despite not meeting, had spent so much time together. He somehow always understood me, and never made jokes when I was opening up about the less fun sides of life. He went at his own pace, and it took quite some time, but he eventually felt comfortable doing the same.

…

I’ve worked so hard for this, I know I’m capable, but I’m genuinely terrified. But I’m excited, too. I feel so overwhelmed and I don’t feel like I can tell anyone, they’ll worry, or they’ll tell me I shouldn’t do it.

I want to try. I want to be on that stage and in that tournament and I want to come out having earned something.

…

 Fall 2012

 Congratulations!! Now I can brag that I know THE Xu Minghao who won 8th at a WORLD DANCE COMPETITION!!!! I knew you’d do great. Yeah, you were nervous, but your hard work showed through!

As soon as I read the news online, I was so happy. Eight is a good number, right? I think It suits you. Even when you're laying down, you have infinite potential! That’s you, Xu Minghao, Number 8, my best friend.

Come to think of it, it's been about 8 years since we met, hasn’t it? it must be some sort of prophecy!!! Haha I’m kidding, but seriously… That’s more than half our lives. We’ve spent knowing each other half of the time we’ve even been on this Earth!

I’m really glad I know you, Minghao. I’d be lonely without your letters, I think. I hope I make your days brighter, like you make mine. I hope we never forget about each other.

 It was rare for me to get so sentimental, but he needed someone to be his fan, and I wanted to be the best fan of Xu Minghao I could be. Not to say I was the first, like I would joke about doing, but because he deserves it. I knew it from the way he talked about training, that he’d make himself a star someday, no matter what.

Because of this, though, it was this letter and onward that we stopped doing the copies and corrections. I noticed myself missing his teasing marks on my papers, or the cheeky smiley faces he’d draw when I did well. We stopped sending trinkets and polaroids too, so each envelope felt a lot emptier.

 Spring 2013

I’m really going to Korea now… The flight is in a few days, I’ll send you another letter from the new address as soon as I get there, so please wait for it!

…

I had bad dreams back then, about how things would be different, slower and distant. His letters were a significant part of my life, and I was afraid to lose that. Yet I was surprised he was even allowed to keep sending me letters. Retrospectively thinking though, it wasn’t like he wasn’t allowed to write to his family.

Was I like family to him back then?

 Winter 2013

I’m sorry for not writing you back sooner. The company has been really busy with Seventeen TV starting. I’ve been practicing a lot, I barely have time to eat or sleep, let alone sit down and write. There’s barely anyone around who knows Mandarin, and I’m still just learning how to make sentences in Korean, and they call me Myungho… Those who I can talk to are all boys, but they’re my friends, and possible group members, so I shouldn’t mind.

I miss your handwriting. Sometimes I reread our old letters, and notice that we’ve changed so much. But I keep every memory, did you know that?

I always feel better quickly. When I think about being on a stage, having fans singing with us and cheering for me… It makes me so happy that I cry, sometimes. But then I can’t help but think, “Will it ever be me? Or will I just dream of being there, and someone else will get the chance?”

That’s usually when I find one of your letters. The one you sent on my birthday a couple months ago, that you sprayed with that citrus scent? It’s my favorite, I relax so much when I read it. It reminds me of home, somehow.

I’ll try to write more often, I’m sure you’ve been patiently waiting. Let’s exchange pictures again, it’s been a while, right? I just really miss you.

 Was he like family to me? No… I think, back then at least, it was something special for me.

Summer 2014

Hey! I haven't heard from you since April! I miss you a lot, but I know you must be really busy. I’ve been trying to watch the previous Seventeen TV episodes when I can, the other boys seem funny and nice. I hope they all take care of you, like you say Junhui has been.

I’m always wishing you sweet dreams, I worry about how you’ve been. I wish I’d have asked for your phone number or email or something before, but now that you’re so busy and under a big company… I just hope these letters and postcards reach you well.

…

Fall 2014

…

Also, they’ve been saying I’ll qualify to be on SeventeenTV soon. The others are hoping it’s a sign that we’ll get to debut soon. You’ll watch it, right?

Things are looking bright for me and my brothers here, but I can’t help but feel full of dread. I can’t pinpoint why. Junhui said it might be stage fright, but I don’t feel afraid.

I know they all support me, and I support them, but I feel like I might disappear, and not even you would remember me. I know its not true but it’s what I’m feeling.

…

Winter 2014

I SAW YOU!! I watched it as soon as it released, I didn’t understand what most of them were saying without English subtitles, but I could understand you, and I saw you! I’m so proud of you Minghao, you’re an official member of Seventeen!! You’ve been working so hard, I’m sure you’re exhausted. Please try and take time to rest and heal before debut, all of you need it!

…

Spring 2015

May 26th 2015. That is the day I debut. I know we haven't talked much, but I hope you’ll be there in spirit. Thinking about you cheering for me makes it easier to handle. I’ll fight for you, for me, for them, and for us. I’ll try, even though things feel like they’re ending.

I’m going to be busier than before. I’m not sure about the contract, but I’ll try to still get letters out. For now, have this. Thank you for everything.

A layer of grey I can't escape Walls built of fear are colored all over with red Who will listen to the sound from the bottom of my heart at the end of the world(/day) There's no one by my side Flee Flee

The world is collapsing, shattering, breaking I can't find love at all So why why why (Where will I ) fall, where Hidden by the dark clouds, helpless and pitiful Can't feel myself, light is lost Before the end of the world(/day), (I'm) yelling, sounds of pain But there's no one by my side Flee Flee

The world is collapsing, shattering, breaking After I disappear completely, (you) won't realize I once existed Why why why (Where will I ) fall, where Falling endlessly, falling in silence What did I ever do wrong

Missing someone you’ve never met is an entirely separate kind of heartbreak. I began to doubt every single thought and feeling I had, every single word I wrote, everything began to bleed between imagination, ideal, and reality. 

The Minghao I watched on the screen wasn’t the Minghao I knew, and I started to wonder if I ever truly knew him in the first place. I felt like a fool, and even then, I continued to be foolish. I wanted to believe I knew what he meant; that I understood him, but as the years went on, I got more and more lost.

They won awards, they went on variety shows, they released albums, they went on tours. They traveled, they worked, and they grew. I needed to believe I knew him, but Minghao and The8 are not the same. And as I grew to love The8, Minghao began to fade into the back of my mind. When I watched him try to express himself beyond his stage persona, each time I saw flashes of a beautiful bird locked in a rusted cage.

I always kept the letters.

They’re my private collection of memories between he and I. They were the only way I knew it was real. I could run my fingers over his handwriting, feel how he sometimes pressed too hard and left marks in the paper. I could see how the paper and ink warped when he accidentally got tears on it. I could look at his pictures from his childhood and know what he was thinking as he took it. 

I knew him.

Summer 2020

Hey, Minghao. It’s me, do you still remember my handwriting? Maybe it’s changed... No, I know it has, because I’ve changed as a person. It feels strange, I know what you’ve been up to, but you might’ve even forgotten my name. But I feel in my heart that you havn’t. Maybe thats wishful thinking.

Anyway, I’m so proud of you Minghao. You’re a superstar, just like you dream of being back when you first started dancing. You’ve become part of a family, and have so many fans cheering for you every single day. Congratulations!!

…

5 years. Does the smell of citrus still remind you of home? Of me? Maybe it just reminds you of the hard times you had back then. But I guess you’ve been reminiscing about that a lot lately?

I watched the video as soon as it came out, and I was shaking as soon as I heard your voice. That song isn’t a special piece of yourself that you shared with me anymore, but it’s part of your story for the whole world to see, and you told it so well.

...

I miss you.

It was finally time.

It was a fairly thick envelope, inside were many postcards of where I’ve been, quickly written notes as I reacted to songs and memorable moments, and full-length letters that never got sent.

It was so surreal to sit in front on him at this panel. He looks just like he did as a kid, but more refined, stronger inside and out. His aura intimidated me like I was seeing a skyscraper touch the clouds for the first time, and yet he maintained eye contact with me like I was a dandelion about to be blown away with the breeze.

“It’s me, Minghao.” The words barely drifted from my mouth, but they struck him like lightning as realization stealing his breath away. For a moment I saw his eyes twinkle, and the corners of this lips twitch.

A member of staff took the envelop away from him; he barely was able to read the label.

My time would be up soon.

His fingers intertwined with mine and he opens my photobook to his page with his free hand, looking down for only a moment to sign it.

The next Carat was nudging my shoulder already.

“Not yet.” I whispered both to them and to him with a squeeze of his hand. He did the same, like a beat of the heart, and then released. I watched his chest rise and fall with a deep breath as he gave the next fan the same focus and care he gave me. 

I forced a smile on my face as I scooted over.

Did he truly realize it was me? Why could I feel his heart beating faster from the tips of his fingers? Did he want to contact me all this time, or had he chosen to stop and was scared to tell me? Did he miss me too?  

My smile was only fake for a moment, though.

I was meeting his second family for the first time, after all, I needed to make a good impression. After years of keeping up with the group, it should have been easier to feel comfortable, and to be happy like the others.

Yet my hands continued to shake, their faces blurred and the sounds around me went quiet. My senses went in and out of focus like waves reaching and leaving the shore.

The warmth and the texture of his hand stained mine, and as i stared down at it after going back to my seat in the crowd, it felt alien. His hands are same hands that have been writing my name on every envelope for so many years...

I felt like I was falling.

[tes-trash-blog]

ElaborTe

So if you like Nords or stan them or cherish them as much as I do the Snow Elves, you might wanna skip this one.

TW: White supremacy, Neo-Nazism, the trash blog going completely off their shits

From the early days of the Elder Scrolls, the Nords have always been.. Well, Norse-coded. As far as races and their lore-evolutions go, they’re the only ones who have held steady in their Nordy McNordness throughout the series. They’ve always been hardy, fair-haired men and women from frozen reaches of Skyrim. They’ve always had a foothold in that tundra, as early as the days of Labrynthian, first featured in Arena. They’ve always preferred axes and steel over magic and guile, and before anyone says anything about Project Tamriel or out-of-game lore or whatever Kirkbride said about robots and wasabi, I’m talking explicitly about canon here, as canon is what most gamers see in these games.

From their appearance to their armor and weapons to the draugr and ancient gods, the Nords are very much the Elder Scrolls’ answer to the Fantasy Viking, which in itself is based on the Vikings of yonder year.. Give or take a few embellishments. Their axes have harsh-but-intricate carvings, their armor is lined with fur and made from honest steel, they have names like Hulda and Sigrid, Roggvir and Thongvor, their voice actors hail from Sweden or can put on a Scandivan-esque accent. They look, sound, act, and dress Norse.

In media studies, this is called coding, a relatively new term in academia and so far still largely used in queer studies. Unlike allegory, which is an intentional one-to-one comparison of something vis a vis Lion Witch and the Wardrobe or Ender’s Game, coding is by and large unintentional, or at least unclaimed and not explicitly stated. It is a byproduct of beliefs, biases, and bumbletyfucks the writer possessed as they created a work, and left unchecked it can lead to problematic elements.

This isn’t to say that coding is terrible, or Bad, or Problematic (though it often is at least one, and sometimes all three), but rather, it is a limitation of being human. Most writers are human as are most of the audiences the media reaches out to, and as such are bound by their worldview and preconceived notions and biases. Just because it can be problematic doesn’t necessarily mean it always is going to be problematic. A skilled writer can recognize this and work around it, or even play with the preconceived notions the audience has. I’ve seen very few white writers accomplish this, even fewer that were cisgendered men, but it’s doable.

However, if these notions are left unchecked, unchallenged, and uncritically accepted, you end up with uh, things. Things like, oh, the Khajiit who steal and deal drugs and travel in “caravans” (oof), the Bosmer who are the only brown Elves in the game and are also cannibals (yikes), the Reachfolk are dressed in untanned animal skins and wear antlers and do guerilla warfare and fucking yikes Bethesda what were you thinking???

You also end up with the Nords, who really took a nosedive from Fantasy Vikings into Gleeful Killers with Magic Shouting come Morrowind, where the Snow Elves had a proper introduction if only to show that the Nords of old were mass murderers, but, y’know, felt kinda bad about it after a child soldier killed their leader. It makes for a sad story, but it’s a cheap, Ender's Game-esque out so the viewer doesn’t have to feel bad about rooting for them. “They felt bad, guys! It’s okay!”

These deeply problematic aspects of Nords-as-homicidal-maniacs only became more apparent with the arrival of The Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim.

Here’s where that white supremacy warning I gave earlier comes into play. You still got some time to check out and enjoy your day.

Still here? Alright.

It was a perfect storm. As I said in a previous rant, Skyrim came about in a time of unprecedented White Anxiety. I cannot stress enough how much white people lost their damn minds when Obama was elected president. There were threats on the then-President’s life, on his wife and daughters, on a daily basis. Gun sales reached record highs out of fear that the boogeyman Democrat would take their guns away. Libertarianism soon became a shorthand for a white supremascist who likes to smoke weed. The so called Tea Party screamed about “freedom of religion” while openly applauding anti-Islamic hate crimes and calling the President by his middle name/dogwhistle “Hussien”, white supremacist hate sites saw an influx of traffic; Stormfront, the oldest of the bunch, saw a jump from 23,000 users in 2004 to over 100,000 in 2008, and this was before bot users were a thing admins had to weed out, this was before a certain foreign power took a keen interest in installing a useful idiot.

This was home-brewed vitriol.

All the while, right wing media went batshit. Fox News had their Mustardgate “scandal”, a dogwhistle to their populist audience that their leaders weren’t like “the average American”. Conspiracy theories sprung up right and left (pun intended) about the Obama administration and “the shadow government”, of which those neo-Nazi sites, with their surge in fresh-faced users,  were a wellspring for. Being the Internet, their memes and “facts Big Media doesn’t want you to hear” spread like a cancer to the greater Internet-- Reddit and its subsidiary Imgur, Tumblr, Twitter, 9Gag, countless other pockets of blogospheres and forums and media platforms. It was, and still is, fucking inescapable.

And of course, Nazis love them that Norse aesthetic. They love the cold where only real men could survive, unlike those weak-willed patsies and *checks notes* dijon-mustard lovers. They love the pale skin and light hair of the people as that’s their idea of genetic purity. They love the runes, the affectations, how the Norse folk of old just invaded and pillaged and were so strong, they did Blood Eagles and were so masculine.

And therein lies why I hate the Nords. I hate how they went from Generic Viking to Murder Men, I hate the direction Morrowind and onward took with them, I hate how no one had the foresight to either tone down these aspects or put a spin on them like they seemed to do with other races. I hate how quickly actual racists took to this fake ass race, I hate how they tried to pull a “both sides are the same” in that stupid Civil War questline when one side is an actual ethno-nationalist paramilitary cult. 

I hate how the writers of Skyrim were cowards, and I hate that they apparently looked at Ur-Fascism and saw a checklist. I hate that they gave the Nords, and by extension you, the player, a moral justification for rallying against a “high-brow”, “elitist”, “globalist” “oppressive”, distinctly non-Nordic and non-Mannish group of people because they “threaten the Nord way of life”. But let’s make the Elves the Nazi allegory so there’s no qualms whatsoever about siding with the Fantasy Republicans. I hate that every other stereotype of non-Nord races can be found in that game, from the skooma dealing Dunmer to the thieving Khajiit to the bootlicker Imperial to the fucking High Elves. I hate that they only expanded on the morally-justified genocide of the Snow Elves with Songs of the Return, and then further reinforce how “good” that was by having you meet the guy who slaughtered children. I hate how, barring one easily missable side quest that still uses bothsidesism there is no challenge to this bullshit way of thinking. I hate that a sizable chunk of Stormcloakblr are also very clearly racist. I hate that my Ysgramor/Pelinal shitpost started to gain traction after someone with a rage face icon reblogged it with a “Kill All Elves” tag. I’ve deleted it since. The meaning is lost on those wastes of breath, and was 100% the cause for this rant.

I hate how the writers could have done better, but didn’t.

[benjisbento]

Hello! I am just a random person who stumbled across your wonderful beautiful art of a Warforged and a Triton in love, and I want to know the story behind it! Please, do tell~

Omg hello there ;v; Sorry it took me a couple days to see this!!!

I guess there are sorta two stories: their canon story, and the story behind the art specifically (which I guess is technically not “canon” lol), which I guess would have to do more with the inspiration behind it

But I will literally yell and cry about these two all day any day tbh

So a bit of backstory, Torin “Squash” Buckler is my triton tempest cleric and B0B is my friend a co-player’s warforged barbarian (I don’t know shit about barb subclasses and honestly have no idea which one he is lmao). We started our campaign in Feb at I think 3rd level with something like ten players split between two groups. Some players played in both groups and had two PCs, and then some players dropped out and we combined into one group with six players, all of whom eventually made second characters so we essentially had two parties (that mixed up every now and then) and it has been WILD (all 12 PCs were together very briefly and hearing other players roleplay with themselves was a fucking delight). They’re all part of a group of mercenaries called the Hedge Knights, who ended up getting control of a small Hold by defeating its ruling lord and are currently trying to stop an apocalypse.

Anyway, Squash is kinda a dick, and pretty early on he learned that he didn’t have to actually walk anywhere if he asked B0B to carry him, because B0B is very nice. They pretty quickly formed a ride-or-die relationship. At one point in their travels, they were up against a paracidic fungus that was killing anything it attached itself to, and that’s when they came upon a wode (which they lovingly called Baby Treant) that was infected. Knowing how dangerous the fungus was, and how low the wode’s chances of survival were, Squash voted to just kill it immediately. B0B defended it (and ultimately found a way to cure it!) and that, surprisingly, was when Squash realized that...oh no... I think I love him? B0B carried the wode around in a baby bjorn for a while, and it eventually made its home at their HQ.

A lot of their initial attraction go each other was made in jest (B0B would smash something really hard and I’d joke that Squash was turned on, or Squash would explode something with lightning and B0B’s player would say the same), but it grew into a fierce mutual protectiveness between the two, to the point that Squash will only really willingly heal B0B (what a shitty cleric!) and B0B will fight anyone on Squash’s behalf.

Their relationship moved to the next stage when B0B went into a solo fight in a gladiator-like arena. Squash produced a matching set of platinum rings as he cast Warding Bond, essentially lessening the damage B0B would take in battle, but also taking on some of that damage himself (and as a squishy cleric, well... that’s a lot!). B0B viciously won that fight, but it was still pretty intense.

They were in a party that explored an underground temple and were trapped down there for a while, B0B finding remains of other warforged but no real hint to his own past. Squash comforted him through that with a patience he showed for no one else, and with empthy that no other party member was able to show.

Their journeys continued and Squash felt called by his deity to destroy a cursed mask one of the other party members carried. B0B had promised fo protect the mask, and Squash didn’t want to make him go against his word, so after a complicated series of events, Squash and the other member left the group together and Squash was able to make his attempt without putting B0B in a tough position. Since the mask was magically linked to the other party member, there was a chance that destroying it would also destroy him, and even knowing this, Squash tried anyway. It didn’t work, but now fearing for his life, the other member fled.

Squash began to curse his deity for sending him on this stupid quest and pulling him away from B0B. He felt that he had spent years asking his deity for purpose, and then once he was beginning to find happiness instead, his deity stripped that away.

While apart, the Squash and B0B had a shared dream, tho how much they realized it was shared is still unclear. In it, Squash weilded the stormy powers of his god and was presented with a figure on a seaside cliff. B0B found himself on top of a cliff, praying for Squash’s protection. Using the powers he had, Squash struck the figure, and B0B was embued with power, somehow eternally bonding their very souls together. Upon waking, many miles apart, they both felt their bond to the other grow, and could even sense the direction in which the other was. In a weird way, they were now married. The first time B0B introduced himself as “B0B Buckler” I shed a legitimate tear.

They’ve been through other trials since, but have been the other’s rock through it all. The party has split and rejoined and every moment spent away from each other has been terrible. Currently in-campaign, they find themselves underground once again, at the sight of the forge believed to be the source of the impending apocalypse, and possibly the source of some answers about B0B’s past.

Through the campaign, they’ve pulled each other out of darkness, and in the event that they don’t survive, I’m confident that they’ll at least go down togethed. Tho the dream is for them to retire from this mercenary life and travel the seas together. Squash was raised as a pirate, but B0B has never even seen the ocean. It’s the life they deserve.

Oh yeah, and Squash 100% has Ceremony prepped so that he can, at some point, offially wed them abd get all the good juicy bonuses. Saving that for before the BBEG tho

The art itself tho is based on the song All I Ask Of You from Phantom of the Opera. And how that inspiration came about it actually a really stupid story. My roommate and I were playing the newest Pokemon SwSh dlc and he made some joke about how one of the new Pokemon had some serious Phantom vibes and I was like “lol ur right” and realized I hadn’t watched or listened go PotO in a while, so I was listening to the soundtrack during my commute to work, and was apparently in an extremely sappy mood, and when that song came up, Squash and B0B were all I could thing about. And while breaking up the lines by which character actually sings them doesn’t quite make sense, there is a lot of both Christine and Raoul in both Squash and B0B and many of the lines could come from either of them. Anyway, I then also rewatched PotO (2004) and based their outfits off Raoul’s and Christine’s during that song. Also in my little PotO universe, Squash’s deity is 100% the Phantom and there was a concept for this with him lurking ominously in the background, but I opted for the lighter, happier version.

So yeah, it doesn’t necessarily depict something that happened in their canon, but the sentiments are there. The running joke in all the art of them together seems to be that Squash’s feet are NEVER on the ground lmao Which is kinda a Crime because they have like a 2+ foot height difference that I LIVE for

Anyway thank you so much for asking and I hope their story is everything you hoped it would be. Sorry if it seems a but disjointed, but retelling bits of D&D campaigns without going into too much un- or semi-related detail is wild lmao

[brokenbuttonsmusic]

Laura Cantrell: Nashville-born, New York-based, Acclaimed Country Singer-Songwriter & DJ (& Kitty Wells Fanatic)

This post is a near- transcript of the Broken Buttons: Buried Treasure Music podcast (episode 2, side B). Here you’ll find the narration from the segment featuring the pioneering rock band Fanny, along with links, videos, photos and references for the episode.

Listen to the full episode on Spotify, Anchor or Mixcloud.

Music blog Stereogum used to have a running feature called “Quit Your Day Job” where they interviewed indie musicians about their current or former jobs. There was one with Marty and Drew from the band Blitzen Trapper. The two discussed being torn about walking away from teaching as their third album, Wild Mountain Nation, was starting to blow up. There was another where the lead singer of War on Drugs detailed some of the disgusting things he had to clean up while working as an apartment property manager. Mostly dead rats and clogged toilet stuff, but he did walk into an apartment that had been converted into a porno set. I remembered this discontinued “musician day job” feature while reading up on my next featured artist and it got me thinking. 

How many professional musicians do you think have a full time day job? How many juggle multiple side gigs and still manage to tour and put out records regularly? How many have really successful careers all while trying to make it as a musician? 

I don’t actually know. I did some research and there aren’t any reliable stats that I could find. There is a lot of anecdotal discussion on the topic. The consensus seems to be that most musicians are not getting by with music as their only, or even their primary source of income. I don’t think anyone is surprised by that. 

One Reddit user said less than 5% of musicians derive all or most of their income from music. He didn’t offer a source or anything, but he seemed very authoritative in his post. And then after a few more Google searches I lost interest and listened to more Laura Cantrell. 

Laura Cantrell’s story is what got me pondering how indie musicians go about juggling making art with the necessity of, you know, making a living to survive. In 2003, after two critically acclaimed albums, including a tour opening for Elvis Costello all across the United States and Europe, Cantrell was at a similar crossroads. Laura had risen to the position of Vice President of Equity Research at Bank of America in New York. Yes, you heard me right. Laura Cantrell was working as a corporate executive and touring with Elvis Costello at the same time. She actively worked on the road during the day and then performed for thousands of people each night.

Before we get further into what led up to this point and what came after, let’s hear a song from Laura Cantrell’s debut album, Not the Tremblin’ Kind. Here’s the title track.

That was Not the Tremblin’ Kind from Laura Cantrell’s first album back in the year 2000.

Laura grew up in Nashville. She played a little bit of piano and sang in the church choir, but did not get into performing music and playing out until her college years. As a teenager she worked at the Country Music Hall of Fame as a tour guide. This job, in addition to the influence of the diverse musical tastes of her parents, sparked an interest in traditional music, particularly classic country. She also became somewhat of an aficionado in this area. 

This love and knowledge of the early days of country music would help differentiate Laura as she honed her sound and selected her songs while developing as a performer down the road. Before that, however, it would make her an excellent college radio DJ and later an even more excellent DJ at WFMU, one of the best and longest running free-form radio stations in the country. Out of the New Jersey/New York area, WFMU is awesome to this day, with a wide array of programming where DJs still get to play whatever they want. 

Laura is my favorite kind of DJ, and the kind that has been dwindling in numbers since the rise of music downloads, which then gave way to streaming and endless algorithms. First off, she’s knows her stuff. She carefully curates each shows, and thoughtfully sequences each set within every episode. She packs in history, context and story to create something that transcends your typical weekend-afternoon-background-radio-soundtrack. I know this show is about under appreciated bands and artists, but Laura Cantrell’s contributions to radio deserve to be heard by more people. You can find her past WFMU shows, called The Radio Thrift Shop, archived on the WFMU website. You can hear her present day on her “States of Country” radio show on the Gimmie Country radio app, or on her SiriusXM George Harrison themed show “Dark House Radio,” on The Beatles station.

This concludes the part of the show where I babble my enthusiastic endorsement of Laura Cantrell’s past and present radio career.

Laura began playing music with others in college at Columbia University. Her jam pals included Andrew Webster, future member of Tsunami Bomb and Mac McCaughan, who would go on to form Superchunk and Portastatic + found Merge Records. The friends would call their band Bricks. A lo-fi, mostly apartment recording projects that played sporadic gigs over the years. 

Here’s the Brick’s song, The Girl with the Carrot Skin.

Living in New York, Laura began playing guitar and writing her own songs. She also plucked some choice classic country finds and incorporated them into her own performance catalog. One day she met a guy named John who asked her to sing on a song that would appear on his band’s next major label release for Elektra. 

That’s The Guitar from They Might Be Giant’s 1992 album, Apollo 18. John Flansburgh asked Laura to sing on that recording. It was the first time Laura recorded in a professional studio. John Flansburgh became a fan of Laura’s music and released her first recorded material as part of his Hello CD of the Month Club, an EP called The Hello Recordings in 1996. 

Let’s hear another Laura Cantrell song. This time one that she wrote with Amy Allison. From Laura Cantrell’s 2014 album, No Way There From Here, this is All the Girls are Complicated. 

That was Laura Cantrell with All the Girls Are Complicated from her last full length release, No Way There From Here. Actually, that was her last full album of new material, but Laura did release an album a few years back of her BBC recordings on John Peel’s radio show. That album is called At the BBC: On Air Performances and Recordings 2000-2005. 

I mentioned earlier that Peel was a big fan. Again, here’s John Peel’s full quote about Laura’s first album, Not the Tremblin’ Kind: "[It is] my favourite record of the last ten years and possibly my life.” Having the endorsement of the legendary English disc jockey was enough to give Cantrell wider exposer throughout the UK. She developed a loyal fanbase through regular appearances on Peel’s show, as well as US and European tours, including the opening slot for Elvis Costello. Which brings us back to Laura’s fork in the road. Before her third album, Laura decided to walk away from the corporate gig. She was excited to focus on music full time, but a little worried about walking away from the security of a successful career she liked and position she was good at.

From a spotlight CNN Business did on Cantrell in 2004:

“For several months until she finally quit, Cantrell balanced her day job with a growing schedule of rehearsals, gigs, recordings and publicity. On the day she appeared on the Conan O'Brien show she was at her desk until lunchtime.”

“And while life as a professional musician is a dream come true, Cantrell still looks back with fondness on more than a decade on Wall Street.”

“‘I came into Wall Street with a very typical kind of stereotype that it was all going to be people just obsessed with money. What I found was that there were just loads of interesting people who were a lot like myself, just doing it as a job and who had lives that were full of other things.’

‘So I miss some of the contact with people I met. Ironically it was a very supportive environment for me as an artist.’”

Laura’s first two albums were released on the the indie label Diesel Only, which was founded by her husband, Jeremey Tepper. Her third album was released by Matador Records, also an indie label, but with an impressive roster that included Liz Phair, Modest Mouse, Pavement and Sleater-Kinney. Released in 2005, Humming By the Flowered Vine continues Cantrell’s classic country sound, but with some evolved production and arrangements. Laura’s mastery as a song selector gets more and more impressive. This album includes a cover of a rare, unreleased Lucinda Williams song form 1975 called, “Letters.” 

In fact, Lucinda Williams herself was thoroughly impressed with Laura’s cover of “Letters.” She attributes the cover to bolstering her confidence to go back through her earlier material and look for her own buried treasures. 

From Blurt Magazine: 

“The inspiration for her journey through the past struck when she heard Laura Cantrell’s version of her song ‘Letters,’ which Williams wrote around 1975 and recorded on a demo but never officially released. Explains Williams, ‘She got a copy from a mutual friend and did a beautiful, really sweet version of it that made me think wow, she brought this early song back to life, maybe I should go back and review some of my old stuff. I’ve got all these tapes of old little songs, but I never thought they were good enough to do anything with.’”

You know you’re an ace at finding under appreciated gems when you surprise Lucinda Williams by helping her discover one of her own songs. Let’s hear Laura Cantrell’s version of Letters.

That was Laura Cantrell with Letters from her 2005 release Humming by the Flowered Vine.

In 2008, Laura returned with an EP called, Trains and Boats and Planes with 9 songs about… trains, and boats and planes. It’s very good and it includes a fun cover of New Order’s Love Vigilantes. 

Throughout this time, Laura continued her radio show. She also started a family and became co-owner and co-operator of Diesel Only Records. 

In this clip from an interview with Face Culture, you can really hear Laura’s passion for country music and its roots. She talks about the importance of country’s influence on rock n’ roll, and how each artist is inspired by something great that came before. 

And Laura continuously pays tribute to the greats that came before through her radio show and on her own records. In 2011, Laura released a tribute to Kitty Wells called “Kitty Wells Dresses: Songs of the Queen of Country Music.” The collection includes nine Kitty Wells covers and one original, the title track, Kitty Wells Dresses.

From the Washington Post:

Here’s Laura talking about the inspiration for the album. 

“Kitty wore very typical stage clothes for women who performed at barn dances and in early country music shows,” says Cantrell, a Nashville-born, New York-based country singer and host of an old-time music show on the legendary radio station WFMU.

“They were these frilly gingham dresses, non-threatening and cutesy. It became this uniform that all the women of the era wore, and I always thought it was a great metaphor for how you can underestimate the strength of the person or the value of the artist underneath.”

That was the song Kitty Wells Dresses from Laura Cantrell’s tribute album of the same name, released in 2011. Wells was the oldest living member of the Country Music Hall of Fame upon its release. She was also the first woman inducted into the hall. Cantrell met and talked to Kitty about her album. She said that Kitty asked which songs were selected and as Laura began calling them out, Kitty would sing each one. 

I’ve mentioned all of Laura’s past and present DJ efforts, all of which I’ll link to on my website, brokenbuttons.com. Laura also continues to release music. She had planned a host of special activities for the 20th anniversary of Not the Tremblin’ Kind, which had to be put on hold due to all things 2020. 

You can contribute to Laura’s IndigGoGo campaign to help fund her new digital singles collection that she’s already started releasing. The plan is to release six singles with an A and a B side, all working with different musicians and producers. I’d recommend the $50 Kitty Wells Dresses Pack, which gets you access to the digital singles as their released, a signed CD copy of both the singles collection and the Kitty Wells Dresses album, as well as a copy of Laura's essay on Kitty and Patsy Cline from the book "Rock and Roll Cage Match: Music's Greatest Rivalries"

Laura Cantrell is the rare performer whose work is deeply rooted in its original source material while still feeling fresh and exciting. Laura’s radio shows can be described the same way. A buried treasure unearthing buried treasure and taking the old and classic and making it new and lasting and so much sweeter. Laura Cantrell.

References and other stuff to check out:

Laura’s Indiegogo campaign for her digital singles series

The Radio Thrift Shop - Laura’s prior radio show. You can stream past episodes and check out her playlists

Gimmie Country, where Laura hosts her current show States of Country. New episodes air 3:00 Monday EST. Laura chats during the show with listeners in the app.

Darkhorse Radio on Sirius XM. Laura’s other show dedicated to George Harrison. New episodes air Thursday at 3:00.

John Peel wiki entry about Laura

TMBG wiki entry about Laura

A Wall Street journal feature on Laura

An NPR feature on Laura

A CNN Business Week feature on Laura

Stereogum archive of the Quit Your Day Job feature