#also its been so long since ive done something fully lined and colored and everything
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speedy-beans · 7 months ago
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all of penacony will go wild
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miss-misguidedmoon · 7 months ago
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isn't it funny
ever since i was teen i knew i wanted to do hair as my profession. well, i graduated high school, moved out to santa barbara for a year, went so cosmetology school, then moved back home and started my first job ever, in a salon.
i loved it, until i didnt. working in a salon and the type of clientele i had is what i didnt love. doing hair, cutting and creating different styles just by cutting hair to fall into a unique style, or coloring a whole head of hair from one color to another. theres a science and chemistry behind mixing chemicals and manipulating the structure of the hair strand, can chemically change the color of the hair.
i was never good at art. i cant draw and can imagine it in my head but cannot recreate it onto paper. i dont have the hands to draw. hair was like my canvas, where not every since line and detail had to be super concise with the strand right next to it.
lately ive been missing that kind of creativity. ive been sparking that interest in me that wants to do something crafty. i love being able to take my time and really sit and focus on that project, but life has been so busy that i always feel guilty when i'm fucking off and procrastinating or resting.
i’m trying so hard to get my mind right and really am trying all of my options and pushing some personal boundaries within myself to find what can motivate me again to push through this chapter in my ilfe.
maybe thats why ive been feeling like crafting lately. theres not enough time in my days where i could only focus on that one thing all day. when i was little and working on a project, no one would interupt me or take my attention away from it until i fully completed it. i think the reason behind my sudden spark of DIY. am i missing the times where i could do something, uninterupted, alone with just me and my thoughts? now thinking of it, it was nice to not have to talk to anyone or be bothered with shit i really couldnt bother ilstening to, but as an adult now you dont really get that kind of alone time.
home is where i am safe and home is where i can be my most authentic self. i pick my nose whenever i want. i can eat like a slob and no one is looking at me weird. its my personal dome. my bubble.
is that why i also hoard a lot of things? i always like having everything i could possibly need in the house. idk where this thought was going.
all i know if that i am really considering buying doll heads and hair colors because i really just miss working on hair. i went down a brad mondo and hair dresser reacts videos. i was reflecting the other night about how differently i would have done those client's hair if i went back but knew what i knew now. i have a lot more knowledge about how color and bleach really works. i was never patient in the coloring process because it always took so long, but if i could just do hair without there being a risk of ruining an actual person's hair and being able to essentially wing it to create something on the head.
idk. ~
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scottspack · 4 years ago
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SO YOU JUST FINISHED THE UNTAMED AND YOU WANT TO READ SOME FIC
Congratulations Jen @jlf23tumble on finishing The Untamed (tomorrow)! Now that you’re done with the show (tomorrow), you can finally dive into the wide and wonderful world of untamed fic!!! I’m ecstatic to be personally curating your reading experience! LET’S BEGIN!
I’ve started off with a list of 5 fics I think you should read in this specific order to 1. get some resolution from the end of the show and 2. get you acclimated to untamed fics! Then, I’ve listed a bunch of fics in different categories for your perusal to read at your leisure! This is an unbelievably long post holy shit brace yourself.
I’m like fairly certain that all of these follow the tv show canon BUT also its very typical for authors to combine many aspects of all of the different forms of canons to their liking. Therefore, I feel like I need to give a quick explanation of a couple things from the novel that show up frequently in fics that idk if you know already or not:
In the book, when Wei Wuxian is resurrected, he is brought back in Mo Xuanyu’s actual body and has his face and everything. Mo Xuanyu was pretty young when he died, I wanna say maybe 17 or 18??? and he was also short and pretty and flamboyantly gay. This is where the references to their crazy height difference come from, but again, I think I tried to include mostly fics that skew more heavily to the tv version where WWX keeps his same body and he and LWJ are more evenly matched physically.
Its novel canon that LWJ smells like sandalwood incense and has golden colored eyes. This is mentioned in like almost every single wangxian fic ive ever read, even if the author said they were strictly adhering to show canon lol
At the end of the novel wangxian run away together and elope! Obviously in the show that’s not how it goes down, but I think a couple of the fics I’ve recced might mention it in passing. (Oh also when they elope they make a pact to fuck “everyday,” a concept that might be mentioned as well.
Obviously, we have to kick it off with some fics that both reunite wangxian and give more resolution to the actual show. If you’re like me, it both took you a while to get all the way through the show AND took 100% of your brain power to remember all of the characters and plot lines. If that’s that case: these fics should be helpful in serving as a kind of emotional refresher for the show to wrap up some loose ends and to dive deeper into some of the things the show glosses over for one reason or another!
1. A Lot of Edges Called Perhaps by hansbekhart (Wangxian, E, 21k) 
The funny part is - and it is a little funny, even if Wei Wuxian has no one left to share the joke with - they never have. Not anything. He has never kissed any part of Lan Zhan besides his slim hands; never been even partially undressed with him anywhere besides a miserable, xuanwu-infested cave. It’s always been like this between them, this simmering need, this desperate understanding: a knowledge so deep that it lives somewhere in his bones, that if he wanted to have Lan Zhan he could have him, and if Lan Zhan wanted Wei Wuxian he could have that too. But they never have.
I found this fic on someone’s blog when they said that it was the definitive fic to read directly after finishing the series so i saved it, read it directly after finishing the series, and felt COMPLETE. Beautifully written, seamlessly fits with canon, and has a super fulfilling resolution. The perfect way to kick off reading untamed fic!
2. One Rogue Spark In My Direction by hansbekhart (Lan Wangji/Xiao Xingchen/Song Lan, E, 5k)
He’d thought, in Yueyang, that they’d seen something in each other, something familiar. That maybe they’d recognized something in him. But it’s been many years, and many things have happened since, and he’s guessed wrongly at other people’s hearts before. Lan Wangji looks back down at the table, at his steaming, bitter tea. He’ll beg if he has to.
In “A Lot Of Edges Called Perhaps” Wangji mentions that he has had sex before and this is the in-universe story of that time and WHEW BABY!!!! AHHHHHH!!! While this fic is like, almost pure smut, I think there is a ton of value to it in terms of emotional perspective on how fucked up LWJ was after WWX’s death. Also, it’s very hot.
3. Gathered Herbs & Sweet Grasses by hansbekhart (Laz Sizhui & Lan Wangji, G, 19k)
Later, when he’s older, it’s this that A-Yuan will remember most: the stretch of silence, the two of them both dirty and shaking with fever, as he looked at Brother Rich, and Brother Rich looked back at him.
This is a fic about Lan Wangji raising Sizhui from when he rescues Sizhui from the Burial Mounds until they bring WWX back to the Cloud Recesses after he’s resurrected. It made me cry about 18 times and I consider it fully canon in relation to the show. I think this gives a lot of emotional depth to the Wangji/Sizhui family relationship that is very important in most fics, so this acts as a good base since the show doesn’t really talk about it too much.
4. Your Name, Safe In Their Mouth by astrolesbian (Lan Sizhui & Wei Wuxian, G, 10k)
“You’ve got a fever,” Wei Wuxian says soothingly. “You just keep still as well as you can. We’ll have you fixed up soon.”
Lan Sizhui recognizes his tone—this is the voice that Wei Wuxian uses on hurt people and young children, a very calm and no-nonsense voice that has none of the mischief and cheer of the way he sounds the rest of the time. Lan Sizhui looks up and meets his eyes, and they are dark, stormy gray, muddled and concerned.
“I’m all right,” he croaks.
“Hush,” Wei Wuxian says, in a low croon, like someone quieting a baby. Then he blinks, and looks away, awkward. “I mean—you shouldn’t speak. You’re tired. Rest if you need to.”
or: lan sizhui gets sick on a night hunt. wei wuxian comforts him. they both have a lot of feelings about it.
The Wei Wuxian and Sizhui bonding fic that I so desperately desperately needed to read. Since we got the emotional depth to Wangji/Sizhui in the last fic, here’s some emotional resolution for Sizhui and his other dad!!!!!!!!!! Scratched the very particular itch of “but have they REALLY talked about what it means that they’re reunited after 16 years???”
5. climbing up that coastal shelf by Sour_Idealist (Jin Ling, Jiang Cheng, & Wei Wuxian, T, 15k)
Jin Ling had begun to suspect years ago that there were parts of his family history that had been crossed out; long streaks of black where Wei Wuxian had been. The truth is more like whole books being brought up from their hiding places again.
Or: Jin Ling tries to figure out what family means, now.
OKAY!!!! Last emotional resolution before I send you on your way to explore! This is the emotional resolution for the other half of WWX’s family. Featuring just a FUCK TON of family feels and a lot of TALKING that this fucked up family needs so damn bad. *chefs kiss* muy delicioso! ALSO i think this is a good introduction to a lot of the naming conventions that are used frequently in untamed fic that took me a while to pick up on!
WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now that you’ve gotten some post-show catharsis in the form of a few extremely well-written fics, it’s time for a full rec! I’ve divided it up into seven categories: long fics, smutty one-shots, 3zun (lan xichen/nie mingjue/meng yao) fics, fics about the juniors, family fun fics, some miscellaneous fics, and then some yizhan RPF! I wouldn’t have put any of these fics on here if I didn’t think they were worth reading, BUT! I did mark my particular favorites with asterisks to demark the crème de la crème of the bunch. SO! LET’S DIVE IN!
EPIC TALES (LONG AND/OR IMMERSIVE)
My Age Has Never Made Me Wise by idrilka (Wangxian, E, 63k) ***
“We hear that His Excellency might be married by summer’s end,” the merchant’s wife says and Wei Wuxian freezes, his heart in his throat. “The Gusu Lan sect has been buying enough red silk and brocade that the merchants in Caiyi can’t satisfy the demand.”
He feels himself grow brittle inside, like a flick of a finger to his temple might make him shatter. His ears are ringing.
“Who’s the lucky bride?” he asks despite himself. His tongue sticks to the roof of his mouth.
Or: The story of a marriage.
I LOVE THIS FIC. YOU MUST PROMISE ME YOU’LL READ THIS FIC. The absolute best kind of slow burn and I think such an extremely accurate representation of the canon material. I’m always surprised by the authors in this fandom’s ability to write shit that is so concretely grounded in the universe. This could and should be a real companion novel. Amazing. I love it. (Also I know you said you’re not into fics that are long just to be long and I think this fic is the exact opposite of that, it’s long but for good reason and has such an insanely satisfying payoff that it’s completely worth dedicating a few hours to!)
The Year of Drought by idrilka (Wangxian, E, 24k)
Wei Ying could not be contained by the walls of the Cloud Recesses, alive again and overflowing with it, bursting like a dam in spring with the force of two lives unspent. And so he had to go. Lan Wangji understands that—he understood it when Wei Ying told him of his plans, looking at Lan Wangji above the rim of his cup with an apologetic smile, like craving freedom was something to apologize for.
Wei Ying would go, and Lan Wangji would see him off; this has always been the only way it could be.
Or: In the absence of Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji waits.
The previous fic but from Wangji’s perspective. Absolutely required reading if you read the other one. Wangji baby.......i love you.....
further than the grave by idrilka (Wangxian, E, 32k)
There is something about grief that turns Lan Wangji numb. He cannot be certain if it is not some kind of defect inside him that makes him so. But just as he grieved his mother’s passing with dry eyes and a stone in his chest, so he grieves Wei Ying: quietly, frozen inside, without tears. Beyond the Jingshi window it might be spring, but Lan Wangji’s body and mind are still held within the winter’s grasp.
As the anniversary of his leaving seclusion approaches, Lan Wangji ponders the nature of grief and healing.
One last fic from the same verse as the previous two, this talks about Wangji post-WWX’s death and then them dealing with the past post-marriage. Its just as good and immersive and amazing as the previous two parts, but this is the only untamed fic that actually made me gasp out loud and if you read this and can guess what it was we will be best friends forever. (There are two other fics in this verse that are also good but these three in particular are god-tier in my eyes.)
Vagabond by xantissa (Wangxian, E, 66k)
Wei Wuxian comes back to Cloud Recesses after a year of wandering the world, hoping to start a relationship with Lan Zhan. He doesn’t expect to come into the middle of a case of sleeping sickness mysteriously killing people, nor does he expect what follows, putting everything he holds dear on the line once again.
OOOWEE CASE FIC! CASE FIC! This is truly the twisty turny intense and INTERESTING type of fic from this fandom that blows my mind. This could fully be a stand alone novel its that good and there’s that much to it. Another one that isn’t long just to be long, it has so much PLOT!!!!! REAL GOOD SHIT!
Seldom All They Seem by Fahye (Wangxian, E, 25k)
or, one hundred and thirty-three principles of the Gusu Lan, pertaining to the state of marriage
***
He bows to Wei Wuxian, sword in hand, sleeves falling properly. Wei Wuxian bows in return, and the sect leaders begin the opening courtesies, and for all of ten minutes Lan Wangji is under the impression that he is betrothed to a boy who is perfectly normal and acceptable apart from an unfortunate tendency to fidget with his clothes.
That impression does not last.
A canon-divergent fic exploring “what if Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian were betrothed from when they were young like Yanli and Jin Zixuan?” It’s extremely good and very compelling and also made me cry multiple times. (The confrontation in the rain doesn’t get any easier even if they’re betrothed!)
Half Cloak & Half Dagger by Fahye (Lan Xichen/Meng Yao, E, 13k)
Jin Guangyao lifts his head and smiles. "I'm considering a problem."
"Can I be of any assistance with it?"
He drops a kiss on Lan Xichen's chest. With the nail of one finger he lightly traces the characters for irony on Lan Xichen's side. "Not this one, er-ge."
A follow-up fic set in the “Seldom All They Seem” universe but focused on xiyao. Has hands down the best written characterization of meng yao in any fic ive read so far. I continuously come back to this fic just to read the absolutely genius way this author writes the Head Bitch In Control of the cultivation world.
The Absolutely True Story of the Yiling Patriarch: A Manifesto in Many Parts by aubreyli (Wangxian, T, 20k)
Wei Wuxian’s hand jolts, spilling a drop of wine onto the tabletop. “Love?” he croaks, then clears his throat and tries again. “Lan Zh— uh, Hanguang-jun, in love?”
“Have you not heard the story?” the other young woman asks, looking pitying. “You must, it is a truly heartrending tale of star-crossed romance and mutual pining — go to any storyhouse in town, everyone has been requesting a reading of this book.”
“There’s a book?” Wei Wuxian says blankly.
In which the junior disciples (namely, Lan Jingyi, Ouyang Zizhen, and a reluctant Lan Sizhui) turn to RPF in an attempt to rehabilitate Wei Wuxian's reputation so that he and Hanguang-jun can get together and get married and live happily ever after. It's... surprisingly effective.
I kept avoiding this fic, even though it was really high up on the list of most popular fics in the fandom, bc the premise sounded pretty goofy BUT I finally bit the bullet one day and AHHHHHHHH!!!!! Very very very cute and fun, made me smile like an idiot throughout the entire thing. Heartwarming and very well written!!!
never let me go by yiqie (Wangxian, E, 69k)
Wei Wuxian has certainly hoped so ardently in his two lifetimes, for so many different things, in so many different ways, that he could have summoned the demon to his front door with his bare hands. His eyes wander to Lan Zhan, settle on the back of his head, the blue-black curtain of his hair. Oh, how he has hoped.
Another extremely good and super immersive case fic. If you ever just want to sink really deep into an untamed fic, this is a great one for it.
hunters seeking solid ground by Attila (Wangxian, E, 24k)
“Hanguang-jun,” Wei Wuxian repeats. His heart clenches. He wants—but he’d really meant to have this nightmare stuff down before they met again, so he wouldn’t find himself relying on Lan Wangji’s nearness. He’s not supposed to go back yet. But he’s so tired, and his will crumbles. “Yeah,” he says. “All right. Take me back to Gusu with you.”
You want hurt/comfort? I gotcha hurt/comfort RIGHT HERE!
shadows in the sun rise by Yuu_chi (Wangxian, E, 25k) ***
“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji says, voice slow and a pitch too quiet. A second later Wei Wuxian understands why. “I cannot hear.”
Or; Lan Wangji is cursed into internal isolation. Their ability to understand one another remains as unwavering as ever.
OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. I have been thinking about this fic nonstop since I read it. It is…..fucking incredible. One of the best qualities of wangxian is that they’re so in tune with each other and able to work so cohesively with little communication and this fic is like “what if we take that and DIAL IT UP TO ELEVEN” and i was like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
I hope that you will come and meet me by feyburner (Wangxian, M, 28k) ***
The second time Lan Zhan said Wei Ying, come back, Wei Wuxian did.
okay so this is literally getting added to the fic rec one day before i send it to you because i just finished it and WHEW BABY!!!!! YES it is just another wangxian post-canon reunion get-together fic, BUT 1. i cant get enough of that specific brand of fic and 2. ITS SO GOOD. ITS. SO. GOOD. achingly tender and incredibly soft but also funny and sweet and very in-character! i love it!
THE BONE ZONE (WANGXIAN SMUT)
Sweet Night by corteae (Wangxian, E, 10k)
It was like coming back to life again, like being restitched into existence, cell by cell, nerve by nerve. From the surface of his skin to the marrow of his bones, everything new and purposeful. Like being pulled back from oblivion into an embrace of pure light. A feeling of absolute asylum.
That’s what it felt like, to realize Lan Wangji was in love with him.
An in-show au of “what if they just admitted they’re in love and fucked during episode 43?” Soft and romantic and hot!
the crucial point by dissembler (Wangxian, E, 7k) ***
Months after parting on the mountain, Lan Wangji makes up his mind, plots his course on a map, and has faith.
I LOVE THIS FIC! Very realistic and sweet wangxian reunion fic from wangji’s perspective. Has so many good little details and is very true to their characters. Good shit. Great.
Stainless by Fahye (Wangxian, E, 6k)
"I'm starting to feel," says Lan Xichen, "that this was a counterproductive suggestion."
Wei Wuxian looks down onto the pristine, tranquil cold springs of the Cloud Recesses. Sitting in the water, their bare shoulders rising like dumplings carefully spaced in a steaming-basket, are a large number of Lan disciples.
"They seem to be doing better," he says, encouragingly. "If they--oh, no, I see what you mean."
At the near bank, someone has pressed someone else against the rocks and is kissing them frantically.
What is getting into a new pairing if not an excuse to read sex pollen in new and exciting ways!
To Recklessly Confess by la_dissonance (Wangxian, E, 8k)
Lan Wangji has a fantasy. Wei Wuxian gets several clues.
The “what if they just fucked in episode 43” au but from a different angle.
all the depths of me, real by northofallmusic (Wangxian, E, 15k)
Wei Wuxian is dealing with a curse a little worse than he'd like to let on, and Lan Zhan is a little less than willing to let it slide.
Another “what if they just fucked in the show” fic, this time set when WWX has the curse on his leg and Wangji has to carry him back to the inn. 
Every Day, Learning More by phnelt (Wangxian, E, 6k)
The pink was high on Wei Wuxian’s cheeks. “I mean I haven’t been able to… that I can’t. Not without you.”
Lan Wangji stared. “In this body, the whole time you’ve had it -- you’ve never…”
Wei Wuxian kicked his heels into Lan Wangji’s back. “I just said that!”
I knew at least one of these was more book verse than show! WWX hasn’t been able to jerk off in his new body, LWJ helps him out :-)
the meaning of the ritual by newamsterdam (Wangxian, E, 8k)
“Lan Zhan… wants to bed me?”
The hand on his chest is shaking, slightly. “Mn.”
“Oh,” Wei Wuxian breaths out.
There’s something— something powerful, about that. Lan Wangji wants to bed him. Lan Wangji wants to sleep with him. Lan Wangji wants to touch him, and kiss him. The immovable, implacable Second Master of Lan, with a face and principles both carved from jade, wants him.
“Is this a fantasy of yours?” Wei Wuxian asks. “Forcing all the demonic energy out of me with your—”
Lan Wangji claps a hand over his mouth. “Silence, now.”
When the entire cultivation world turns against the Yiling Patriarch, Wei Wuxian makes a risky gamble— he'll agree to participate in an ancient ritual for cleansing the spirit, so that his character can no longer be called into question. The catch? He has no idea who his partner for the ritual will be.
This is also book-verse! As the tag says “Let Lan Wangji Fuck the Yiling Patriarch”!!!!!!!!!!!
Hurricane by gdgdbaby (Wangxian, E, 6k) ***
"Haven't you heard?" Nie Huaisang replied, clicking his tongue, though he was clearly pleased that he could be the one to break the news. He leaned in to announce with a dramatic flourish: "Lan Wangji just took emergency family leave this past weekend."
WANGXIAN AS SPIRK STAR TREK PON FAR AU!!!!!!!!!!!!! WEEWOO WEEWOO WEEWOO!!!!!!!! This was actually recced to ME by CHI and I have not stopped thinking about this fic for a full month. It’s like author gdgdbaby sat down one day and was like “Tumblr user Liv Scottspack deserves everything she wants in this life.” and then wrote this fic. Thank you author gdgdbaby, I love you.
WORLD’S WORST THROUPLE (3ZUN)
The body is a blade by rheawrites (3zun, E, 2k) ***
In which Lan Xichen is taken by surprise, Nie Mingjue takes what he can get, and Meng Yao gets what he wants.
This was the first 3zun fic I ever read and whew baby, got it in one! It’s actually a slight AU but it gets their characterization so right and is a very fun read. One of those fics I go back to frequently because it does so much with so few words.
shang tiantang by fuckwarlock (3zun, E, 4k)
They wanted so much, and with the way A-Yao gasps at the saber-calloused hand unfastening his belts, he does, too. The night air twirls with the scents of osmanthus and cinnamon and melon. Lan Xichen smiles, leans in, and ghosts his lips over the crook of A-Yao’s neck. What kind of brother would he be if he didn’t give A-Yao what he wanted? “I think it’s your turn to ascend, A-Yao.”
The Venerated Triad celebrates the Mid-Autumn Festival the best way they know how.
Truly the only way the venerated triad works is if meng yao gets Destroyed :-)
Favour and Fate by soulgusttheguardian (3zun, E, 8k)
There have been times in Meng Yao’s life when he couldn’t help but wonder how he came to be in his current situation. Found himself reflecting on the choices leading up to whatever misfortune had befallen him that day, and pondering why fate hated him so.
Granted, there had also been times when he couldn't help but wonder just what he had done to earn the favour necessary to be rewarded with certain things...
The current situation he found himself to be in, however, was definitely the latter.
More of the same! Truly I personally can never get enough of the 3zun dynamic in smut fics its just too goddamn motherfucking GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!
the stars do not take sides by everyearning (3zun, E, 4k)
Mingjue isn’t sure he’s ever seen Xichen do anything other than treat the boy like a porcelain doll and it’s laughable to him, to think of Meng Yao as something breakable, instead of the sharp, deadly object he is.
Okay one last “Destroy Meng Yao” 3zun fic! Enjoy!
never as alive as we are right now by ThirtySixSaveFiles (3zun, E, 12k)
Three perspectives on three sworn brothers, at three different times in their relationship.
(Or, three times 3zun got it on and some of the feelings they had along the way.)
Wait actually I want to end the 3zun fics on this one because it has true Emotional Resolution at the end and I think they deserve a little healing.
BABY BOYS. BABIES. (THE JUNIORS)
A Civil Combpaign by Ariaste (Jin Ling/Lan Sizhui, T, 20k) ***
“And,” said one of the pompous ministers, “there’s the matter of a marriage to consider as well!”
Jin Ling, who at the beginning of that sentence had expected to slam into the very last wall of his patience and lose his temper entirely, paused. “A what?”
Thing was… it wasn’t such a bad idea.
A MUST-FUCKING-READ!!! Jin Ling gets it in his head that as sect leader he should get married and sets his sights on Lan Sizhui. I cannot stress enough how FUCKING CUTE this fic is!!! Sizhui being the best boy! Jin Ling having more uncles than he knows what to do with! Jiang Cheng being the worst at relationship advice! It’s so fucking good it love it so much.
Anyway, Here’s Wuji by kakikaeru (Lan Jingyi/Lan Sizhui, T, 18k)
The melody gets a little clearer when he breaks out of the trees, and Jingyi changes course with certainty, barreling down the back hill and through the Cloud Recesses, dodging scandalized disciples left and right. He throws open the doors to the Receiving Hall without announcement and bows nearly double, eyes on the floor instead of on the shocked faces of the Mei delegation and the impenetrable gaze of the Chief Cultivator.
"Forgive this disciple," Jingyi shouts, because he's going to get punished for rule breaking regardless. "From the back hill, Hanguang-jun, there is a song in the wind!"
Lan Jingyi comes of age.
A Jingyi-central fic about Jingyi growing up and falling in love and being a hero and being the second best boy of my heart right after Sizhui. Not only is this fic sweet and romantic but it’s another one that explores a lot of interesting things within canon and all of the supporting characters are written very well and are just as interesting as second best boy Jingyi.
Ok, JiuJiu by kakikaeru (Jin Ling/Ouyang Zizhen, T, 16k)
Uncle's jaw works in the way that suggests he's about to say something irredeemable. Jin Ling, in a move of diplomacy he hopes the Chief Cultivator appreciates, distracts him with spicy food and his favourite subject: the incompetence of his own officials.
"I hear the lakes in the south east are having drainage problems?" he asks nonchalantly, sticking three big slices of braised pork belly into his Uncle's bowl.
Jin Ling just wants to get through the Discussion Conference with his Sect, his dignity, and his heart intact.
A follow up fic to “Anyways, Here’s Wuji.” I LOVE the Jin Ling/Ouyang Zizhen dynamic of Jin Ling having been raised by Jiang “I keep all my emotions right here and then one day I’ll die” Cheng AND being hopelessly charmed and smitten with Ouyang “President of the I Love Love Romance Novel Book Club” Zizhen! I LOVE IT! EXTREMELY CUTE!
Lan Sizhui's Guide to Courtship by Kimblydot (Lan Sizhui/Lan Jingyi, T, 23k)
In which Jingyi is a little oblivious, Sizhui is patient (and should have said something in the beginning), and everyone else is resigned to watching them dance around each other for far longer than necessary.
(Or: five things Sizhui tries to do in his courtship, and the one time Jingyi realizes there was one happening in the first place.)
I’ll stop describing fics about the juniors as being “cute” when they stop being SO FUCKING CUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
His Merit All My Fear by violettressed (Lan Sizhui/Lan Jingyi, G, 16k)
It’s too late for any of Hanguang-Jun’s rabbits to be awake -- one of the sundown chores for young disciples is to herd them back into their hutch -- but the rabbit field is as good a spot as any for quality sulking, so Lan Jingyi makes his way there.
Someone has beat him to it.
Lan Jingyi stares at Hanguang-Jun. Hanguang-Jun stares passively back.
When Lan Sizhui is swept away with the Ghost General, off on a new adventure, Lan Jingyi is the one who returns to Cloud Recesses alone.
Not only another extremely cute Sizhui/Jingyi fic BUT one that includes a Wangji/Jingyi friendship??? Incroyable! *chefs kiss*
spirit running wild by idrilka (Lan Sizhui/Lan Jingyi, E, 17k)
He doesn’t know, exactly, when the friendship he shared with Sizhui over the years has changed into something that’s made Jingyi finally understand why Hanguang-Jun always wears that expression whenever he looks at Senior Wei. There hasn’t been one single moment that he can point to and say, yes, this is where it started, because the thing about falling in love with your best friend is that it happens gradually, until it’s impossible to tell which step has been the deciding one.
Jingyi goes to Baling with a crush.
Written by the same genius that wrote the first three fics I made you read so you know it’s good. Its truly the childhood best friends to lovers of it all! Sizhui is adorable and Jingyi is a mess! *muah!*
FAMILY FUN TIME (NO ROMANCE, JUST FEELS)
Grow by cafecliche (Lan Sizhui & Wei Wuxian, T, 14k)
“Okay,” Jingyi says, as Sizhui puzzles this out aloud. “Okay! So the demon has been turning its victims into children.”
“I think so,” Sizhui says.
“To make them easier prey,” Jingyi says.
“Yes,” Sizhui says.
“So—” Jingyi’s voice cracks here, “this kid is Senior Wei.”
Wei Wuxian, still tangled in his own massive robes, blinks politely at them.
(Or: Wei Wuxian is cursed on a night-hunt, and the junior quartet rapidly finds themselves in over their heads.)
What I expected to be a goofy, silly fic turned out to be extremely emotional and made me FULLY CRY! It’s a very moving fic about Sizhui coming to understand himself and Wei Wuxian a lot better AND features all of the juniors arguing over who’s turn it is to hold 6 year old Wei Wuxian. A true win/win of a fic.
To The Act of Making Noise by words-writ-in-starlight (Lan Sizhui & Lan Wangji, G, 19k)
His father in white plays the song late into the night, and when A-Yuan wakes up confused and afraid, the guqin lulls him back to sleep.
Lan Sizhui hears his father play the same song every night for his whole life, and never, ever get an answer.
Another very moving and heartwarming fic about Lan Wangji raising Sizhui and Sizhui figuring out Wangji’s past and then eventually reconnecting with Wei Wuxian. It’s cute and soft and Sizhui is my best boy!
History (Proud To Call Your Own) by words-writ-in-starlight (Wen Ning, G, 5k)
“A-Yuan? Um—Lan-gongzi,” Wen Ning corrects, trying to set a good example. The children are young, seven and eight, exactly a dozen of them lined up in two crisp lines of tiny blue and white robes. Wen Ning can feel them staring at him, even though most of them have already mastered that Lan trick of neutrality. The smallest, a little girl with liquid dark eyes, is clinging to her nearest shijie’s sleeve and half-hiding. “Can I—what can I do for you?”
Wen Ning gets himself recruited for services, while he and Sizhui are visiting Cloud Recesses. Wei Wuxian gets a fan club.
Set in the same universe as “To The Act of Making Noise,” a very cute fic about Wen Ning finding his place in the post-canon world and being proud of Sizhui and being the world’s best substitute teacher. As the official Wen Ning Fan Club President, I had to include this.
the stone-filled sea by yukla (Lan Sizhui & Wei Wuxian, T, 9k) ***
He forgets how quickly Wei-qianbei changes faces, sometimes. Like pulling a theater mask over a bruise—color over color, a diversion with the swipe of his hand.
Lan Sizhui navigates a world that hates his father, one endless wave at a time.
Oh man oh man. I will never get enough of the fics where Sizhui (and the rest of the juniors) get ANGRY on Wei Wuxian’s behalf!! That’s their dad and their teacher and their friend and they will DEFEND HIM!!! YEAH BAYBEEEEEEEEEE!!!
PICK & MIX (MISCELLANEOUS)
This Side of Paradise by greenfionn (Wei Wuxian/Wen Qing, E, 3k)
Wei Wuxian does some very quick math in his head that goes something like this: He is pretty sure he’s in love with Lan Zhan - Lan Zhan is not here and likely never will be here - Wen Qing is here, not to mention very hot and let us not forget, actually interested in sex with him - there’s a solid chance he goes genuinely crazy or dies, or both, in the next few months and really, who wants to die a virgin?
Listen.......the fic premise is “Wei Wuxian and Wen Qing, noted bisexuals, figure life sucks enough at the Burial Mounds, they might as well have any fun they can before they die” and........I Am Looking Directly At It. It features Wen Qing bossing Wei Wuxian around and Wei Wuxian’s canon he-wants-to-be-pregnant kink. It’s........I liked it.
palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss by iodhadh (Song Lan/Xiao Xingchen, M, 15k) ***
The realization strikes Song Lan like a bolt of lightning: Xiao Xingchen laughs, and he wants with a sudden, stunning desperation to kiss the mirth from his beautiful mouth. How, precisely, he is meant to manage that—that, he has no idea at all.
Or: introspective meditations on touch, trust, and the problem of desire.
I Am Baby and for some reason cannot handle how sad the entire Song Lan/Xiao Xingchen storyline ended up so I rarely read songchen fics, and when I do they’re always soft pre-canon fics like this one. Luckily there are some very beautiful and moving pre-canon songchen fics!!! I love you fandom!!
purpose and ritual by iodhadh (Song Lan/Xiao Xingchen, E, 8k)
Song Zichen has beautiful hands. He's a powerful swordsman, strong and skilled, unfairly impressive and unreasonably handsome. He is devoted and self-disciplined and he takes direction like a dream. And he doesn't touch people—no one at all, if he can help it, except for Xiao Xingchen.
The poets might call him a saint, but Xiao Xingchen is so very, very human.
More of the same :-)
born to sweet delight by la_dissonance (Song Lan/Xiao Xingchen, E, 10k)
Xiao Xingchen lightly jumps into the center of the pool, the water a shock that cools his sticky, heated skin, and does nothing for the heat building inside him. When he surfaces, pushing the hair out of his face, he finds Song Lan's gaze and meets it. Between them, everything goes both ways. What Song Lan will offer, Xiao Xingchen will freely give too.
Or, Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan meet, pledge their lives to each other, and then fall in love.
This is about the angstiest I will go for songchen and its still absolutely Baby Soft lmfao!!!!!!
Pin it down by rheawrites (Jiang Yanli/Jin Zixuan, Jin Zixuan/Nie Mingjue, E, 2k)
“Yanli, I did not lie on our wedding night. You are the only woman I have gone to bed with. But… there was a man.”
“Oh?” Yanli blinks up at him. She does not appear horrified, or betrayed, which is surely a good sign.
Jin Zixuan swallows. “It was Sect Leader Nie,” he says quickly, as though that will make it easier.
“…Oh,” says Yanli, and her eyes are dark.
-
Jin Zixuan tells his wife a war story. Or, two thousand words of Jin Zixuan getting railed.
Have you ever looked at Jin Zixuan and been like “I bet that mf likes getting PEGGED!!!!!!!!” Well here’s the fic for you. 
*YIBO VOICE* DIDI LOVES YOU! (YIZHAN RPF)
never really over by gdgdbaby (Yizhan, E, 10k)
The thing is: it would be good to see Xiao Zhan again — if Yibo could just trust himself to be normal.
Author gdgdbaby is the yizhan master, so here are five of my personal favorites of their fics, starting with this post-filming reunion fic that was the first yizhan fic I ever read and HIT real good after having just finished the show myself.
pedagogy by gdgdbaby (Yizhan, E, 17k) ***
Yibo opens his mouth and says, "I want to learn," barreling past the rapid rise of Xiao Zhan's eyebrows. "To last longer. Will you teach me?"
Quick-fire Yibo comes too easily and Xiao Zhan helps train him to last longer :-)
you’re the reason that i just can’t concentrate by gdgdbaby (Yizhan, E, 10k)
Xiao Zhan hears about it from Yu Bin, which probably should've been the first warning sign.
Yibo was only 20 when they filmed the untamed, which lends itself perfectly to fics like this.
a truth so loud you can’t ignore by gdgdbaby (Yizhan, E, 5k)
It's their last day of filming in Hengdian when the secret comes out.
If yibo has to be a fictional virgin than SO DOES XIAO ZHAN!
if you would only let you by gdgdbaby (Yizhan, E, 32k) ***
"Well?" Yibo demands. Past the severe frown tugging at the corners of his mouth, a flicker of the old him slips through, the persistent boy who shoved his way into Xiao Zhan's space without a second thought and made a home for himself there. "Are you coming or not?"
Xiao Zhan's heart twists. He forcibly settles it back in his chest. He's only told Yibo no once in his entire life, and it was already the hardest thing he's ever had to do. "Okay," Xiao Zhan murmurs, quiet but decisive, and thumbs his phone off. "Let's go."
Like I said, all gdgdbaby fics are incredibly good, super well written, and very hot, but this one does stand out from the bunch for being a Full Epic Romance! This is one of Chi’s favorite fics so that should speak to it’s quality!
baby, who’s counting by nobirdstofly (Yizhan, E, 12k)
Xiao Zhan gasps, trying to rein in another peal of giggles. “What do I owe you anyway?”
Yibo shrugs one shoulder, and his smirk deepens. “Haven’t decided.”
Xiao Zhan’s still staring at him, laughter gone in his dry throat, when he hears someone yell for a reset. Yibo’s eyes are so, so dark, and he hasn’t stopped watching Xiao Zhan this whole time. Xiao Zhan swallows, nods, and pushes every dirty thought out of his head.
(Or: Yibo bets Xiao Zhan he'll break first during a take, Xiao Zhan loses, and it's all downhill from there.)
Ah sex bets, who doesn’t love sex bets!
Mystery Dance by mrsronweasley (Yizhan, E, 16k)
"That? That's your confession?" Yibo's toppled onto Xiao Zhan's side and is clutching his shoulder, trying not to fall over. "That's pathetic!"
"Oh, what, you can do better?" Zhuocheng is pretty flushed and there's a challenge in his voice that Yibo just can't walk away from.
"Hell yeah, I can. Hit me, Yu Bin." Yu Bin cheers and refills Yibo's shot glass. "All right!" Yibo downs the shot, gags only slightly, and says, "Everyone! I'm a fucking virgin!"
WHAT’S better than a Yibo virgin fic? A SECOND YIBO VIRGIN FIC!
This author also writes extremely good yizhan threesomes so here’s three of them!
Some Nights by mrsronweasley (Yizhan/Xuan Lu (Jiang Yanli), E, 2k)
Xuan Lu opened her legs to him and Xiao Zhan wasted no time diving in. He pressed his mouth against her pussy, licking her out steadily as her thighs trembled around him. She was nestled between Yibo's legs and if Xiao Zhan looked up, not only could he see the planes of her body, her small breasts going up and down with her breathing, ribs expanding, her tipped back head and open mouth, but Yibo, gaze boring into Xiao Zhan's as he ate Xuan Lu out.
The entire cast is hot and there is no reason they shouldn’t ALL fuck! Not one reason!!!!!!
gege loves you by mrsronweasley (Yizhan/Wang Zhuocheng (Jiang Cheng)), E, 7k)
"We are very sorry," Xiao Zhan murmured as he unbuttoned Zhuocheng's jeans while Yibo kissed his ear, "for how we've been acting."
"Is this how you apologize to everyone," Zhuocheng panted, hands already going for his zipper to help Xiao Zhan along, "or am I special?"
WHEW LORD!!!!!!!!! WHEW!!!!!!!
Talking in the Dark by mrsronweasley (Yizhan (Side Xiao Zhan/M/F), E, 14k)
Xiao Zhan has a light-hearted romp of a threeway with some friends, then makes the mistake of telling Yibo. It goes down.
A non-yizhan threesome BUT features jealous!yibo which is a ton of fun.
Finally, a couple AUs!
With Joy and Purpose by feenwitch (Yizhan, E, 30k) ***
Yibo has been alone for approximately five Earth years when Xiao Zhan crash lands on his planet.
YIZHAN ANDROID AU!!!!!!!! This is a very star trek-esque universe which is fun, but the fic itself is also CRAZY interesting and moving and beautiful!!!!!!!!! It’s A LOT! This was a rec from Nina, so thank you Nina!
Bound With a Same-Heart Knot by mrsronweasley (Yizhan, E, 59k)
London, 1892. Xiao Zhan, a promising young attache at the Chinese embassy is tasked with showing the new ambassador's son Wang Yibo around London. The inevitable happens.
Victorian AU! I actually think you already read this, but included for posterity.
AND SCENE! This is the result of two months of daily fic reading, having 50 tabs of fic open at any given time, reading truly anything and everything, and Loving The Untamed. I’m SO EXCITED you’re diving into fic for this show and I can’t wait to talk to you about all of them and to have someone to scream with! WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
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jiminfms · 4 years ago
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         *  hi  ,  my  name’s  tee  and  this  ain’t  a  waist  trainer  bitch  ,  this  a  back  brace  i  got  scoliosis  .  𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨  ,  𝐢𝐭'𝐬  𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫  𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐫  𝐤𝐫𝐢𝐬   ( finally  )  !  i  prefer  either  feminine  or  non - binary  pronouns  ,  and  i  reside  in  the  est  time  zone !  it  has  taken  me  so  long  to  formally  write  and  i  highkey  hate  it  because  i  lost  muse  for  my  queen  miss  giavanna  ,  so  i  decided  to  bring  another  muse  instead  of  leaving  because  honestly  ...  i  love  ya’ll  🥺 .  the  way  i  love  miss  jennie  kim  is  more  than  i  wanna  admit  ,  so  let  me  introduce  you  guys  to  the  tiny  ball  of  aggression  that  is  jimin  jung !
          omg  !  i  was  walking  yonge  street  downtown  ,  and  you’ll  never  guess  who  i  saw  .  jimin  jung  !  i  just  saw  a  post  about  them  on  sixsecrets ! i  think  it  said  something  like  ' jimin  jung  physically  restrained  by  security  guards  following  a  verbal  argument  with  fellow  customer  at  drake  one  fifty ! ' .  isn’t  that  wild  ?  i  guess  it  makes  sense  though  ,  since  they’re  apparently  antagonistic  and  bellicose  .  but  i’ve  heard  they’re  also  sultry  and  voguish  ! i’ll  just  stick  to  giving  them  the  benefit  of  the  doubt  .  i  mean  ,  it’s  not  like  i  know  them  personally  —  they’re  a  famous  singer  /  songwriter  and  model  ! you  know  ,  i’ve  actually  heard  rumors  that  redacted  ,  but  they’re  just  rumors  …  i  think  .  i  dunno  .  if  you  happen  to  run  into  them  ,  tell  them  i’m  their  biggest  fan !
FULL  NAME  :  jung  jimin  .
NICKNAME(S) :  n/a  .
AGE  +  DATE  OF  BIRTH :  24  +  june  10th  ,  1996  .
ASTROLOGICAL  SIGN  :  gemini  .
MEYERS - BRIGGS  PERSONALITY  TYPE :  entj  .
MORAL  ALIGNMENT :  chaotic  neutral  .
GENDER  +  PRONOUNS  :  cis  female  +  she / her / hers  .
SEXUAL  ORIENTATION :  bisexual  .
ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION :  biromantic  .
PLACE  OF  BIRTH :  kensington  ,  london  ,  england  .
PLACE  OF  RESIDENCE  :  toronto  ,  ontario  ,  canada ( specifically  ,  in  the  neighborhood  of  forest  hill ) .
OCCUPATION  :  singer  /  songwriter  and  model  .
VOICECLAIM  :  dua  lipa  .
NATIONALITY  :  british  -  korean  .
ETHNICITY  :  korean  .
LANGUAGES  SPOKEN  :  english  ,  korean  ,  and  japanese  .
i.  prosopography  .
            jimin’s  story  begins  with  the  fateful  meeting  of  her  parents  ,  kim  seo - yeon  and  jung  do - young  ,  on  a  cold  winter’s  day  .  they  found  themselves  at  the  tender  ages  of  20  and  22  ,  attending  a  boring  christmas  gala  with  their  parents  when  they  would  have  preferred  to  do  anything  else  in  the  world  .  seo - yeon  was  a  women  who  knew  what  she  wanted  the  moment  her  eyes  landed  upon  it  ,  so  when  she  made  brief  eye  contact  with  do - young  ,  she  purposefully  spilled  a  glass  of  champagne  onto  his  expensive  tom  ford  suit  and  made  a  big  deal  of  it  .  this  sparked  their  whirlwind  romance  ,  and  six  months  later  they  found  themselves  announcing  their  engagement  to  korean  media  outlets  .
           despite  how  quickly  they  were  engaged  ,  their  parents  saw  this  as  mutually  beneficial  .  seo - yeon  is  the  youngest  daughter  of  the  wealthy  kim  family  ,  owners  of  the  kq  group  conglomerate  that  was  worth  billions  in  its  own  right  .  do - young  was  the  only  child  of  his  parents  ,  and  came  from  park  family  lineage  where  their  hotels  and  resorts  were  the  cause  of  their  fortune  .  the  families  were  soon  to  be  one  ,  and  the  couple  was  the  chaebol  heirs  that  others  envied  .  following  their  lavish  wedding  ,  seo - yeon  and  do - young  decided  that  they  were  going  to  head  off  to  london  to  make  a  life  for  themselves  .  so  ,  they  transferred  to  oxford  university  ,  finished  their  schooling  ,  and  shortly  after  seo - yeon’s  graduation  from  the  financial  economics  program  ,  the  couple  discovered  that  they  were  expecting  .
          it  was  a  sticky  summer  day  when  seo - yeon  unexpectedly  gave  birth  to  their  daughter  ,  who  decided  not  to  allow  her  parents  time  to  get  to  the  hospital  .  jimin  was  born  in  the  bathtub  of  her  parents’  luxury  bathroom  ,  and  right  into  the  arms  of  her  slightly  panicked  but  overjoyed  father  .  from  the  time  that  she  was  a  toddler  ,  araminta  was  a  very  precocious  child  ,  picking  up  on  skills  quite  quickly  and  speaking  in  few  short  sentences  by  the  time  she  was  eleven  months  old  .  as  she  grew  older  ,  jimin’s  parents  remained  hands  on  despite  their  busy  schedules  ,  and  decided  that  they  would  see  what  their  daughter  would  have  the  most  interest  in  .  when  she  was  four  ,  her  parents  began  piano  lessons  ,  and  it  was  evident  that  she  had  a  natural  gift  for  the  instrument  .
            life  for  jimin  had  always  been  comfortable  ,  but  she  didn’t  want  to  take  the  usual  route  ,  or  what  was  expected  of  her  .  she  had  always  been  interested  in  music  ,  so  she  she  originally  started  with  taking  dance  classes  .  she  trained  in  all  forms  of  dance  in  order  to  be  well  rounded  ,  and  she  initially  had  dreams  of  becoming  a  backup  dancer  ,  but  when  she  was  playing  around  and  decided  to  make  a  video  singing  a  song  that  she  had  written  all  on  her  own  ,  jimin  became  an  overnight  sensation  .  her  song  ,  hotter  than  hell  ,  blew  up  almost  instantly  and  she  was  signed  to  warner  music  group  .  
            i’ve  written  enough  VCJNXVBHCV  but  her  career  has  followed  the  timeline  of  dua’s  ,  although  it’s  slightly  off  by  maybe  the  month  or  the  year  .   she  has  won  a  total  of  forty - two  awards  in  her  career  ,  including  two  grammy  awards  and  three  brit  awards  .  although  miss  dua  got  a  lil  clowned  for  her  dancing  at  one  point  ,  i  must  say  that  jimin  is  quite  the  performer  ,  and  definitely  makes  use  of  the  stages  by  recreating  music  videos  or  simply  giving  the  audience  an  experience  .  she  has  not  released  future  nostalgia  as  of  yet  ,  but  it’s  what  she’s  currently  working  towards  !  through  her  career  ,  she  is  known  by  her  mononym  jimin  !
ii.  temperament  .
jimin  is  a  real  bitch  ,  but  she  doesn’t  go  out  of  her  way  to  ‘  out  bitch  ’  someone  because  she  finds  it  to  be  kinda  dumb  .  she’s  primarily  looking  to  have  fun  ,  and  no  one  is  about  to  be  bitchy  around  her  without  getting  snatched  up  .
she  parties  like  she  just  turned  twenty - one  and  dares  someone  to  say  something  about  it  !  invite  her  to  the  club  and  she’s  coming  without  a  second  thought  .  she’s  the  friend  who  will  make  plans  and  will  get  a  little  sad  when  people  cancel  on  her  ,  but  she’s  still  going  to  find  a  way  to  enjoy  herself  .
does  not  take  authority  seriously  and  she  can  be  seen  making  a  jerking  off  motion  whenever  someone  kisses  up  to  those  of  authority  .  talks  shit  ,  but  backs  it  up  because  if  you’re  bold  enough  to  talk  shit  you  might  get  hit  ,  right  ?  
she’s  a  sultry  bitch  and  she  loves  it  .  give  her  the  chance  and  she’ll  flirt  with  a  tree  ,  she’ll  flirt  with  a  plant  ,  and  she  might  flirt  with  your  significant  other  .  she  can  get  kinda  lewd  and  will  say  something  really  off - beat  ,  and  honestly  shut  her  up  if  you  do  .
the  epitome  of  a  gen - z  /  millennial  line  straddler  as  she  can’t  walk  past  a  mirror  without  taking  pictures  of  herself  .  sickeningly  vain  as  she  takes  pictures  at  any  chance  she  can  like  after  getting  her  hair  and  makeup  done  or  even  when  she’s  out  and  about  shopping  .    
iii. headcanons  .
jimin  is  quite  chaotic  and  she  does  not  hold  back  from  it !  she’s  a  pot  stirrer  ,  and  she’ll  watch  everything  unfold  as  if  she  wasn’t  the  one  to  start  the  problems  in  the  first  place  .  not  afraid  to  spread  a  rumor  or  putting  a  trolling  instagram  comment  on  one  of  her  posts  on  blast .  she  likes  to  be  petty  ,  but  she  can  back  it  up  ( but  it’s  NOT  fat  enough  😔 )  .  
her  style  is  vastly  different  than  what’s  expected  .  on  stage  ,  i  would  think  her  style  is  something  akin  to  kpop  stage  outfits  ,  but  not  necessarily  as  tame  .  she’s  not  afraid  to  show  skin  so  there’s  a  lot  of  embellished  leotards  and  heels  ,  dramatic  eye  makeup  and  perfectly  styled  hair  .  off  stage  ,  she  likes  a  relaxed  but  high - end  style  .  lots  of  denim  ,  lots  of  black  ,  loves  oversized  pieces  ,  but  she  loves  to  follow  trends  where  she  can  .
loves  to  yoga  ,  pilates  ,  and  anything  else  that  doesn’t  involve  having  to  go  to  an  actual  gym  .  she  especially love aerial  yoga  as  it  keeps  her  flexible  as  a  dancer  .
miss  jennie  didn’t  let  us  enjoy  it  long  enough  ,  but  jimin’s  hair  is  canon  to  jennie’s  blonde  pieces  ! she’ll  switch  up  the  color  every  so  often  with  temporary  dyes  ,  but  other  than  that  ,  it’s  usually  always  blonde  !
she  doesn’t  drink  st*rbucks  so  don’t  ask  her  to  go  ,  and  she  especially  doesn’t  go  because  she  likes  very  simple  coffee  drinks  .
iv.  wanted  connections  .
give  me  everything  ,  please  !  i’d  love  some  of  the  basics  like  former  friends  ,  best  friends  ,  industry  rivals  ,  friends  with  benefits  ,  confidant(s)  ,  frenemies  ,  good / bad  influences  ,  one  night  stand(s)  ,  enemies  with  benefits  ,  or  a  current  or  ex  fling  !
because  i  love  my  women  loving  women  ,  hand  over  the  ex  girlfriend  !  in  my  head  i’m  thinking  that  they  were  a  really  happy  couple  and  they  were  really  good  to  one  another  ,  but  they  drifted  apart  .  they  remain  good  friends  and  people  probably  think  there’s  still  feelings  because  they  can  be  rather  touchy  feely  with  one  another�� (  👀 )  .
ifykyk  ....  but  i  love  angst  !  i  love  to  have  my  heart  ripped  right  out  of  my  chest  so  give  me  angst  in  any  form  :  angsty  friends ,  exes  ,  anything  !  
a  couple  who  are  stuck  in  a  limbo  !  they  have  yet  to  make  it  past  the  point  of  friends  ,   wondering  if  they’re  just  a  hookup  to  one  another  would  there  could  potentially  be  more  .  they  probably  fight  a  lot  because  of  those  underlying  feelings  ,  but  it  could  be  interesting  to  explore  either  way  !
give  me  enemies  !  and  not  for  fake  but  two  people  who  genuinely  dislike  one  another  .  it’s  not  surprising  for  jimin  to  not  get  along  with  a  lot  of  people  considering  the  fact  that  she’s  not  ...  the  nicest  ,  and  i’m  not  entirely  sure  as  to  why  they’d  dislike  each  other  ,  but  it  could  be  so  much  thank  u  KFJDFDS  .
give  me  the  heartbreak  that  still  lingers  i  will  sell  you  my  SOUL  .  maybe  their  relationship  was  good  ,  or  it  was  a  mess  KNFJD  ,  but  but  when  they  broke  up  they  haven’t  fully  gotten  over  it  yet  ?  probably  a  lot  of  lingering  looks  ,  and  giving  compliments  but  they’re  kinda  awkward  because  they  don’t  know  how  to  approach  each  other  sometimes  .
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basketofverbiage · 5 years ago
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Hold On Pt 3
Here is part 3 finally! It took forever to edit because its so long. I had never planned to write a part 4, but now I think I might need to. We are finally past the angst mostly, so things are brightening up a bit.
Warnings: mentions of suicide attempt, hospitals, therapy, mentions of rape, mentions of miscarriage, shower with Jin (no funny business, all fluff)
Word count: 10,358
Part 1  Part 2 Part 4
When Yoongi had said that the boys were coming back to bring dinner, Y/n did not expect this. She had expected random takeout to suit all their tastes and just a low-key family meal. She did not expect Hoseok and Namjoon to drag a borrowed table in and cover it with a red checked picnic tablecloth and then put flowers in the middle. She did not expect Jimin and Taehyung to come in carrying multiple gift bags and Jungkook to bring soup that Jin’s mother had made. She did not expect that the boys would have brought both she and Seokjin changes of clothes either. She was totally at a loss for words and struggling so hard not to cry when Jungkook ran back out to the car and brought in the biggest bouquet she’d ever seen and his own Cooky plushie for her to snuggle. Y/n was certain that she was undeserving of the kindness and love of these precious men after what she had done. And when she opened the gift bag to see the silk pajamas in her favorite color, she cried for the million-and-first time that day.
“Noona, we just wanted to get some things that you could have to be comfortable in and have some pieces of home here with you since you probably won’t be able to leave yet,” Jungkook murmured as he hugged her tight. “We didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“Oh Kookoo, I’m not crying because I’m sad. I’m just a little overwhelmed. I don’t deserve any of this after what I did.”
“Yes, Noona, you do. We love you. You are our family. While we don’t know exactly what happened to bring this on, we know that we love you. Let us be your safety net when you are falling and your protectors while you heal,” Jimin piped up as he took his turn to hug her.
“You are so strong, Y/n-noona, but it’s okay not to be sometimes. Isn’t that what you always tell me when I’m overwhelmed?” Taehyung asked. “Let us be strong for both you and Jin-hyung for a while.”
While Y/n was being smothered in love by the maknaes, Yoongi and Seokjin had gathered extra chairs and brought them in. Namjoon had brought in a bucket of ice to go with the drinks that Jungkook and Jimin had brought to go with dinner, and Hoseok had begun dishing out the food. The boys circled their chairs all around Y/n’s hospital bed and they all ate and drank together, chattering and laughing and just being a big goofy family for a while. They had all been so worried and so scared for so long that the relief that Y/n really was okay had made them all slightly giddy.
Seokjin kept an eye on Y/n but let his brothers take the lead in her care and distract her for a little while. As everyone finished with the soup and passed around the pastries for dessert, Namjoon broke the lull that had settled on the room.
“Jin-hyung, Y/n, I just wanted to let you know that you are welcome to stay at the dorms with us for a while if you want. I know that going back to your apartment may be difficult at first, so I wanted you to know that I got Jin-hyung’s room ready for you. You don’t have to worry about anything.”
“Thank you, Joonie. We haven’t really discussed what will happen when we get the okay to leave. Y/n’s therapist will be coming in tomorrow so that we can have a long talk about everything and make plans. I want to make her transition as easy as I can. But I will have to go back. The bathroom…” Jin’s voice trailed off when he remembered the state they’d left the bathroom in.
“You don’t have to worry about anything. Hobi-hyung and I went today and I cleaned up the bathroom. It’s good as new. And Hobi-hyung tidied up the kitchen,” Taehyung spoke up gently and gave Seokjin’s hand a squeeze.
Y/n sat there in silence for a few moments before taking Seokjin’s hand in hers for some strength before beginning to talk to the boys. She told them everything that had happened, from the rape to her depression, and the culmination the day before. The boys sat in various shades of emotion from cold, blue rage rolling off of Yoongi in waves to the shock clear on Hoseok and Namjoon’s faces. Jungkook’s face was tinged red and had hardened in his attempt to keep the flashpoint of anger under his own skin, while Jimin looked worried and Taehyung looked slightly appalled.
“I just needed to tell you all everything. I didn’t want to have secrets anymore. I told Jinnie everything this afternoon, and so he’s had some time to process it all little. But hopefully my therapist will have some ideas of what to do and better management than just idle chatting from day to day and week to week. It helped some, but obviously not enough,” Y/n quietly finished.
“Y/n, thank you for trusting us with this. I’m glad you told me this. It actually opens the floor for me to tell you both what I spoke with Sejin-hyung about this afternoon. We both agreed that while there is about another month before we have any overseas tour dates or events, it is extremely important that you not be here alone. Sejin-hyung actually suggested this and I fully agree. You will be going with us when we go abroad. It may be a little overwhelming to do all that traveling, but I know you have the option to work from home on most of your assignments. You can continue with your work, just from other countries. We also discussed that instead of staying mostly in hotels, we will try to book houses or chalets in the cities we go to so that we are all nearby whenever you need us and you aren’t having to keep up with 7 different hotel room numbers scattered about a hotel. You can just step out of your bedroom and yell and we can all come running,” Namjoon explained.
Seokjin’s face immediately fell into a state of shock that Namjoon had already taken care of the request he had planned on making without even knowing why he needed it. And then he had taken it an entire step further.
“Namjoon-ah, I don’t know what to say,” Seokjin started.
“Don’t say anything. Y/n may be your girlfriend, but she is our sister. And we want to help. So please, let us.”
As the boys were cleaning up the room, Y/n stepped into the bathroom to freshen up a bit before bed. The nurses had removed her IV line earlier that day and had given her the okay to have a shower. Taehyung had brought in her shower items from home, and that helped. She would no longer smell like a hospital and hopefully she would feel less in shock and overwhelmed. In the blackness of everything she had been struggling with, she had never anticipated the boys to react this way. She honestly had fully convinced herself that Seokjin would leave her and she would lose all seven of them in one fell swoop; to think that they had gone to such efforts to make sure she felt their comfort and their love had her crying into the shower all over again. She tried to keep the sobs quiet so that they wouldn’t hear but was apparently unsuccessful because Seokjin barged in the door a few minutes later.
“Baby, you okay? I heard you crying…”
“I’m just…I didn’t expect any of this. I thought you would leave me and I would lose them too. I just…I don’t deserve any of you.”
“Oh Princess, you do. You did not deserve what happened to you when we were away, but none of us will let anything like that happen to you. In fact, if the police ever find who hurt you, we may have to lock Yoongi-chi and Jungkookie in the practice room to keep them from killing them with their bare hands,” Seokjin said.
She hadn’t noticed, but he had stripped down while she was standing with her eyes closed, forehead pressed to the tile of the small shower, and had climbed in with her. Seokjin pulled her close to him and kissed her forehead. “Let us help you, Love. You are no longer alone in this.”
Seokjin took the time to wash and condition her long hair while she cried a bit more about everything and mourned the tiny lost life she hadn’t realized that she was attached to before it was ripped away from her. After finishing slowly showering both of them, Seokjin helped her step out of the shower and dried her off himself, then rubbed her favorite amber scented lotion on her back, arms, and legs. While he dried himself more, she put on the beautiful new pajamas Jimin and Jungkook had bought her and brushed her teeth. Once they were both dressed and had brushed their teeth they stepped out into the room. Y/n still had her hair wrapped in a towel and her hairbrush in her hand, but before she could think about brushing her hair, Jimin pulled her over to sit in the chair in front of him and slowly and gently detangled her dark curls. He brushed her hair then handed the brush over to Taehyung, who braided her hair in pigtails so that it would be cute, but out of the way for sleeping. When she took it down in the morning, it would have beautiful kinky waves that she wouldn’t have to worry with styling properly.
The boys seemed to be playing a very unusual game of Hot Potato, and Y/n was the potato. As soon as Taehyung had finished with braiding her hair, Y/n got pulled over to Hoseok. Hoseok gently applied her nighttime moisturizer to her face then hugged her tightly for a few minutes. He would never tell, but he had been having flashbacks to the dried blood on the bathroom floor all evening and just needed to hug her to feel that she was really okay. He kissed her gently on top of her head and whispered something in her ear that made her smile softly and say, “I know, Hoseokie. I promise I won’t.”
Next to gather her attention was Yoongi. He had had time to settle his anger while she and Seokjin had been showering, and was much calmer than he was before. When Hoseok had finished with his time with her, Yoongi reached out and pulled her over into his lap. He hugged her tightly. “Love, it’s going to be a horrific battle from here on out. You’ve already been fighting, but by yourself. But the cavalry is here now, and we got you. Okay?” When she softly agreed, he let her up off his lap, only for her to be yanked into a tight hug by Namjoon. Y/n’s back was to the group, so only they could see the tears glistening in his eyes as he stopped being the tough leader and allowed himself to simply feel all the fear, sorrow, and relief of the last 29 or so hours. “I love you, Y/n. You are an amazing friend and sister to me. Please let us help. Please come stay with us when you get to leave,” he begged into her ear.
“I can’t promise that, Joonie-bug, but Jinnie and I will discuss it with Dr. Kang tomorrow and see what she says. If she thinks it’s a good idea, we will go from there.”
Finally, Jungkook got his chance. He had been so antsy while she was out of his sight. Y/n was the big sister he had never had and had been the first one he thought to call when things went well or if he was upset lately. So, when he had his chance he kissed her cheek then hugged her as tightly as he could. He was angry at the bastards who had hurt his Noona and it had triggered his protective streak. Jungkook did not want to leave the hospital but he knew that they all needed to go home and rest. Seokjin would stay and they would meet with Dr. Kang in the morning. She was meant to come round at 9:30 am and Seokjin had promised to call them all to update them then. So he squeezed her one more time and said, “Noona, Jin-hyung is going to be with you tonight. I want to stand guard outside the door, but my hyungs won’t let me. So I’m going home, but if you need anything, even just a hug, just call me or text me and I’ll be here so fast your head will spin.”
“Okay, Kookoo, I promise I will. Go home and sleep for a while, Baby Bunny,” Y/n giggled. The special nickname she had given him relaxed the tension in his heart a little and he felt a bit better about going home.
After another round of hugs, forehead kisses, I-love-yous, and please-sleep-wells, the six boys left Y/n and Seokjin to settle in for the night. The hospital bed was so small compared to their bed at home, but somehow, neither of them minded. The tight space was actually welcomed because Seokjin could feel every breath Y/n took and it quieted the voice that kept asking what if this is a dream and she’s really gone. It was nearly 11 pm when they were finally able to settle in for the night. Even with their nap earlier, Seokjin was so tired from the roller coaster of emotions they’d been on, and as soon as he was sure she was settling safely into dreams, he fell deeply into sleep.
Seokjin startled awake after having a strange dream about falling in a hole to find Y/n no longer in bed. At first, he didn’t think anything about it, but then he panicked a little because he had not left her side the entire time since she’d woken up. Just as he was climbing out of the bed to go look for her, she stepped out of the bathroom.
“Jinnie, it’s okay. I’m coming back to bed now. I just needed to pee.”
His heart didn’t stop pounding until she climbed back into the bed and curled up as close to him as she could get. He had a feeling that he might feel like that more than he’d like to for a while and was so glad that they weren’t leaving for tour for a bit. Even though she was going with them and he had that peace of mind, he felt like he needed her beside him constantly to make sure she had really survived. She drifted off to sleep again fairly quickly, but Seokjin laid awake for a while longer just allowing her deep breathing to comfort him enough that he could sleep again.
 Seokjin woke up again when the sun was just beginning to peek in through the window on the other side of the room. Y/n was still sleeping soundly with her head pressed to his chest. She looked so beautiful in the early morning light with her lips slightly pursed in her dream state and some tiny unruly curls bursting out of her braids. She still looked a little more pale than usual, but the doctor had said that the pallor would subside after a few days when her body had had time to begin remaking the blood that had been lost. While she’d had several transfusions, she had lost more blood than they’d reintroduced, so her body would just need to remake it. The doctor had also said that she’d likely feel a little colder than usual until her blood was replenished.
The clock on Seokjin’s phone said 6:37 am. He was usually leaving for practice around now, unless they had a special event. He had just decided to try to go back to sleep when the door squeaked open and Jungkook slipped in with 3 cups of coffee and what seemed to be breakfast.
“Jungkookie, what are you doing here so early?”
“I just wanted to bring you both breakfast, Hyung, and coffee too. I barely slept wondering how Noona was.”
“ ‘m fine, Kookoo. Wha time is it?” Y/n asked as she stirred around and opened her eyes.
“It’s 6:45 am, Baby,” Seokjin told her.
“Ugh, it’s ass o’clock. Why couldn’t you wait another hour or two?” she grumbled.
Jungkook laughed at that. “Oh my precious, sweet, lovely Noona. You never have been a morning person. But that’s okay. I came bearing gifts. I brought you a caramel macchiato and Yoongi-hyung made breakfast and sent you both some.”
Y/n blinked several times trying to decide if she’d heard correctly. “Yoongi-chi made breakfast? At ass o’clock?”
“Yes. He did. He made a breakfast pie, sliced fresh fruit, and sent toast as well. You should feel special,” Jungkook giggled.
“I’m amazed that he’s not pretending to be a rock. Is he sick?” she asked.
“No, Noona. I’m not sure he slept more than I did. We both were a bit worried about you still and had trouble settling down last night.”
Before Y/n had the chance to say anything to that, Jungkook began to unpack the breakfast he had brought in and the lovely smell filled up the entire room. Yoongi could definitely cook when he wanted to, and that showed through. He had to have gotten up super early to put together the pie alone, and Y/n was very thankful for his efforts.
 Yoongi had actually not slept at all the night before but hadn’t told anyone that. When he realized at 4 am that it was useless to kept tossing and turning about the bed, he got up and made coffee. As he sat sipping the liquid stamina, he had the idea to make breakfast. His mom had always made a breakfast pie for special occasions and had shown him how. If he made it, then someone could take some over to Seokjin and Y/n. In order to feed all of them, he knew he’d have to bake at least 3 pies so he got to work. The pies were finished, crust from scratch and everything by 4:45 am and in the oven baking away. Yoongi was amazed that he still felt antsy, so he began slicing up strawberries, a pineapple, and a watermelon to go with it. He had hidden away a beautiful loaf of one of Y/n’s lovely sourdough loaves in the freezer for a rainy day, so he pulled it out and sliced the entire loaf for toast. Since it had been frozen, he buttered the slices and toasted them in the oven as the pies rested before being sliced.
Their apartment smelled amazing, and one by one the boys drifted sleepily into the kitchen. The only one who seemed wide awake was Jungkook, and he wandered out towel drying his hair a bit more from a shower. With one look at each other, Yoongi and Jungkook had realized that neither had slept. Yoongi had prepared two containers with servings of breakfast to take over to the hospital but made a third quickly.
“Jungkookie, will you please take these over to the hospital to Jin-hyung and Y/n? I put breakfast for you in there too, and money for you to pick up Starbucks for you three on the way,” he said softly.
“Of course, Hyung. How did you know I wanted to get to the hospital right away?”  Jungkook questioned.
“You’re the only one here fully showered and dressed, and I think you slept less than I did last night. So go on, Kookie. Go check on them and report back. And make sure Y/n eats every bite of the fruit on her plate. She needs the vitamins to finish healing.”
 After they’d finished having breakfast, Y/n stepped into the bathroom to get ready for her therapist to come by, leaving Jungkook a chance to speak along with Seokjin.
“Jin-hyung, is she really okay?” he asked tentatively. “I mean, I know she’s not okay okay, but she’s alright physically now?”
“According to the doctor, yes. But we have a long way to go for her to be mentally alright. If I’m being honest, I’m not sure I’m okay. When she’s out of my sight, I start to feel panicky again. That’s something I need to get under control quickly so I don’t suffocate her.”
“I think it will be understandable for a little while, but maybe we can help with that too. I want to help Noona as much as I can. I couldn’t really sleep last night because I wanted to be able to protect her,” Jungkook admitted. “I really hope the doctor says she can stay with us for a little while. I think we would all feel better if we know she’s nearby for a bit. Otherwise, we are going to take over your apartment.”
Jin laughed a bit at that thought. “Eight of us crammed in our tiny apartment would be a stretch. It might violate the fire code, Kook.”
The bathroom door opened up and Y/n came out in leggings and Jungkook’s oversized hoodie. Her hair was down from the braids and parted to one side so her bangs laid loosely over her forehead. She still had on her slippers and put the pajamas she had removed into her duffle bag in the closet of the hospital room. She checked her phone while Jungkook and Seokjin chatted quietly, and giggled when she saw a message from Yoongi.
Eat well, Princess! I better hear that you ate every bite of the breakfast I slaved over! -Yoongi-chi
Thank you for making a beautiful breakfast at ass o’clock, Yoongi-chi. It was lovely. The only thing left was watermelon seeds. Y/n sent the message back then sat back down on the bed beside Seokjin.
“Jinnie, you better get ready. The hospital doctor said he’d come by before Dr. Kang, and it’s already almost 8.”
At that, Seokjin got up and headed into the bathroom to change clothes and freshen up before facing the looming medical staff. Once the bathroom door closed, Jungkook began packing up the empty containers he had brought breakfast in and set them aside. Y/n jumped slightly when he then climbed into the bed beside her where Seokjin had slept and pulled her into a hug.
“Noona, I just needed to hug you tight this morning. I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about you and worrying. I mean, I know Jin-hyung was here and would take care of you, but I wanted to be here too. I just feel extra protective of you now that I know what happened. And I’m sorry for that. I might drive you crazy with checking on you for a little while until everything settles down.” Jungkook paused for a second before adding, “Hell, who am I kidding? You are about to have 7 overconcerned guard-dogs for a little while, so I hope you will tell us to give you some space if you need it. I just know that with all of us worried, plus Sejin-hyung too, we might be a bit much to handle. But hopefully, if you can stay with us, we will be close by enough that we won’t be constantly bugging you. Has anyone called your office to let them know what is going on?”
“I’m actually not sure. With today being Saturday, I am usually off today and I had taken yesterday off.”
“Is there anyone I can call for you? I think you will need a bit more time away from work, and I’d be happy to run any errands you need,’ Jungkook offered.
When Seokjin walked out of the bathroom, his heart gave a sweet lurch upon coming out to find his baby brother wrapped around the love of his life. They were talking quietly, almost like they were sharing secrets, but Seokjin could hear their conversation now that he was out of the bathroom.
“I actually called Y/n’s boss the evening I found her. She told me that you can take as much time as you need to get settled and properly ready to work again before coming back. She also forbade you from stepping foot into the office before two weeks are up except to let her see with her own eyes that you are okay,” Seokjin laughed out the last part. “She really acted like she was your mom.”
“We’re a tight little office, you know,” Y/n said with a soft smile. “We have to take care of each other.”
Jungkook squeezed Y/n one more time, then released her and kissed her gently on the forehead. “I should go. I’m in Jin-hyung’s spot. Plus, I have to report back to Yoongi-hyung how much you both ate. If he doesn’t deem it well enough, he may show up to force feed you fruits.”
 Jimin sat curled up on the sofa in the boys’ apartment with a blanket thrown across his lap and his laptop propped on the arm of the sofa. He was researching the best way to help people who had lived through traumas, and wasn’t coming up with much luck. He wanted to do something tangible that he could hold in his own hands to help. Somehow, being able to see and touch something that would help would make him feel like he actually was contributing to Y/n’s healing process. She had done so much to help him heal over time and battle off the demons that rose up from time to time to shout that he wasn’t good enough or slim enough, and now he wanted to do something helpful in return. He kept finding things that said to make sure they had professional help. Y/n already had someone taking care of that aspect with her therapist and with Jin-hyung.
After reading several articles about PTSD and similar things, he realized that there may not be anything tangible he might be able to provide outside of hugs and love from time to time and just being there. While he was sure that this was something he could readily offer, he still wanted to do something special, especially if Y/n would be staying with them for a bit. That’s when the idea struck him. Y/n loved to bake. She had told him once that it helped her so much when she felt stressed out or pressured from work. He wasn’t sure what items they had in their kitchen related to baking as none of them ever bothered. If they were craving anything baked, they’d either order it from somewhere or ask Y/n to make it. The only baking items they had were flat cookie sheets that Jin-hyung put other pans on top of to make sure they didn’t overflow in the oven and the pie tins that Yoongi-hyung used to make the breakfast pies in.
Jimin spent another few minutes on Google trying to sort out all the things someone might need for baking and made a long list of things they’d need. He didn’t want to just order them online because they might not be here in time. Who knew that you needed some of these things? Like, what are pie stones? Who puts rocks in their pie? Hopefully, Y/n would know what to do with them, because they were on his list along with a special kind of mixer with a dough hook, several types of pans, mixing bowls, thermometers, and a plethora of other smaller gadgets that just seemed fun.
With his list in hand, Jimin knew he needed a shopping partner who would be as enthusiastic as he was, so he set out to find Hoseok. Hobi-hyung loved to shop and his sister liked to bake too, so if they got stuck picking something, they could always call her for help. Jimin finally found him holed up in the little studio at their apartment with Namjoon and Yoongi. They were working on arranging a rap-line only track.
“Hobi-hyung, can you go shopping with me?”
“What are you shopping for, Jimin-ssi?” he asked.
Since he’d already interrupted them, he told them his idea for something to help Y/n and his reasons. Then he showed them his list. They all seemed to like his idea, and Yoongi added a few things to his list.
“Buy the girl a proper rolling pin. I literally used a steel water bottle to roll my pie crust this morning. You also need to add cooling racks, some trivets, and a baking stone to your list. Find a square baking stone if you can. Most of them are aimed at baking pizza, and are round, but I know that Y/n uses one sometimes for some of her more finicky loaves.”
“Oh yeah! And you should buy that one mixer that comes in pretty colors. I bet they make a purple one! It won’t really match our kitchen, but who cares?” Namjoon added. He really had no idea about things needed for baking, but he’d seen commercials for stand mixers advertising all colors of the rainbow.
After chatting for a few more minutes, Jimin and Hoseok left the studio to go on their shopping trip. Just having a plan for everything made them feel like they were doing something more than all sitting around worrying, and it took the edge off the constant anxiety they’d all walked around since Seokjin had found Y/n in the bathroom two days ago.
 When Jungkook got home from the hospital, he washed out the containers that he’d taken breakfast in and loaded them in the dishwasher. After seeing Y/n with his own eyes and hugging her for a bit, he felt a bit more at ease. Seokjin had promised to let them all know what the plan was after discussing everything with Y/n’s doctors. Jungkook actually felt his lack of sleep starting to catch up through the coffee he’d had that morning. While everyone seemed to be doing their own thing, he figured he could nap for a while before Seokjin called. As he started down the hall to his room, he was stopped by Taehyung calling to him from his own room.
“Jungkookie, how was our Y/n? Did she eat well?”
“Yeah, hyung, she did. She seemed okay. A bit antsy to speak with the doctors and move forward with a plan. Noona still seemed a little bit sad, but after everything she’s been through, who wouldn’t be sad, you know? I’m more worried that all of us will suffocate her to death with our own worrying and fussing over her than I am about her. Noona is strong and she’s helped all of us so much. I know she will be able to bounce back eventually. It’s just going to take some time.”
“Yeah. How do you think we can help best? I know hugs and just listening and stuff, but I don’t want to overwhelm her. We are 7 men, and men are the ones that hurt her so badly. I want her to be here with us, but I don’t want it to make her be afraid either,” Taehyung confessed softly. “That’s all I’ve thought about since she told us last night. How often we all made her hug us when we got home, even if she flinched away a little. All the times she looked so exhausted like she hadn’t slept well, and she explained it away with work stress instead of telling us that being near us was ripping open her old wounds. I don’t want to delay her healing.”
Jungkook completely understood what Taehyung meant. He’d laid awake nearly all night thinking the same thing. “I know. I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I was so angry at those assholes that hurt her, and worried about her. I seriously wanted to camp out at the door of her hospital room as a protector, but Namjoon-hyung made me come home. But while she was getting dressed and stuff, Jin-hyung and I talked about it a little. He said that he was planning to speak with her therapist about it. If she gives the go-ahead for Y/n to stay with us, he’s hoping that Dr. Kang will do a sort of crash course with all of us. Maybe meet together with us as a group and give us an idea of what to look for regarding Y/n’s emotional health and also let us know the types of things that will help and will hurt. He also said that he might discuss meeting with her too on his own to help with the trauma of finding her like that.”
“That’s probably a good idea, Kook. I know you’ve been in their master bathroom. The entire white tile floor was covered in dried blood except for the place where she was sitting. I honestly have no idea how Jin-hyung and the paramedics didn’t track it all over their house. It took nearly half a bottle of bleach to get it all up. I ruined the mop I used and a scrub brush I found under the sink trying to get it all out of the grout. Hobi-hyung nearly passed out when he saw it.”
Jungkook paled a little at the thought of his sweet Noona surrounded by her own blood. He cursed under his breath, then said, “I can’t imagine seeing that. It’s horrific in my mind, but was probably worse in person. Jin-hyung said he’d call us all later and give us an update on the plan. I was going to try to have a nap first since I didn’t sleep last night. Wanna go nap with me?”
Taehyung just nodded and grabbed his pillow then followed Jungkook across the hall to his room. He hadn’t changed out of his pajamas that morning, and Jungkook had worn sweats to the hospital that morning. They curled up together in Jungkook’s bed. Even though they all had their own rooms for the most part now, in times of stress and worry, they tended to sleep better together. During the most stressful times of their lives just after debuting, they all slept in one room, and they tended to gravitate back together because there was comfort and safety in numbers.
 “Well, do you think Hobi and Jimin have bought out the entire kitchen store yet?” Namjoon asked. They had left 2 hours ago, and had promised to call when they got back to get help carrying everything upstairs.
“I don’t know. But I’ve been thinking. They are buying all the necessaries for baking except actual baking supplies. I used the very last of the little flour we had this morning. Do you think we should go buy ingredients?”
“We could. But I have a lifetime ban from the kitchen, remember? So I have no idea what goes into baking.”
Yoongi smirked a bit at that, then said, “I can make pie crust and that’s it. But we have the whole internet at our disposal. How about we start there?”
They both spent several minutes looking up recipes for things they knew that Y/n had baked before and started a list. By the time they were done, the list had 27 items on it.
“Who knew there were that many different kinds of flour out there?” Namjoon muttered as they did a final glance over the list.
“I didn’t. But there is one thing that we need to get that we can’t buy at the store. Y/n won’t use any leavening except her starter. Jin-hyung will have to get that from their apartment,” Yoongi said thoughtfully.
“We can send him on a special expedition for that later. Should we go ahead and go pick up these things?”
“Yeah, and we should probably let Jimin and Hobi know to call Tae and JK if they beat us back. But you know how Hobi gets when he shops. We will probably beat them back.”
 After three hours and meetings with two different doctors and a discharge planner, Seokjin felt drained. They had gotten the okay for Y/n to leave the hospital tomorrow with the agreement that they would both meet with Dr. Kang daily for at least the next two weeks and that she would stay at the dorm with the members; while she had not expressly stated that Y/n should not be left alone, Dr. Kang had heavily implied it, so it made sense for them to go to the dorm. It would also relieve the other members. She also had agreed to meet with the rest of the group to advise of triggers that Y/n may have from the trauma, signs of things to look for, and the best way to help with panic attacks or if she started to spiral downward again. Typically, after a suicide attempt, an individual would be hospitalized for 2 weeks minimum and on strict suicide watch. However, because of who Seokjin was and the amount of attention that the hospital was starting to gain from paparazzi photographing the guys entering and leaving, Dr. Kang made an exception for Y/n. Also, knowing that she was going to be essentially surrounded by 8 mother hens (all seven members and Sejin, who Seokjin had called to arrange the meeting between the guys and Dr. Kang), it had eased the doctor’s mind considerably. Seokjin felt exhausted by the entire morning and could only imagine how Y/n felt. She had fallen asleep almost immediately after the discharge planner had left and the nurse had come in to take her vital signs.
Y/n’s head was resting on Seokjin’s chest in the hospital bed. Her breathing was steady and even, and it was a miracle to him. It was a miracle that she had survived all the things she had. His eyes welled up with tears as he thought of how strong she had tried to be for him and all the things she had suffered through silently over the months. Why had she ever thought he would leave her for something not her fault? He felt so guilty; he still felt like he had been a horrible boyfriend and like he hadn’t loved her well enough. If he had, she would have known that he would have helped shoulder all of that burden.
She was right about one thing though. If she had called him the night it happened, hell yes, he’d have been on the first flight out of LAX he could have caught. Her wellbeing trumped ARMY every time. He loved his fans, he really did, but she was a higher priority. Y/n’s very existence kept the happy, playful Jin that ARMY knew alive and going, so she came first; she took precedence over nearly anything he could think of, with his brothers and family a very close second. His own wellbeing came third on that list, but he also knew that he needed to be careful with that ruling. He needed to take care of himself to take care of her and support her better. That is part of why he agreed to meeting with Dr. Kang on his own. He kept seeing flashes of her in that giant puddle of blood when he closed his eyes, and it made him want to cling to her more than usual. Right now, Y/n was vulnerable and still recovering from her suicide attempt, so she was more willing to accept his affections. But once she was feeling better and more able to do her own thing, his constant presence and need to touch her would drive her crazy.
Seokjin knew he needed to update the members so that they could prepare for her to come home and also to alter their schedules a bit, but for the time being, he was so tired. He decided that while Y/n was using him as her pillow, he might as well nap too. In a few hours, he’d call and update everyone, but for now he let Y/n’s deep breathing lull him to sleep.
 When Taehyung woke up a couple hours after curling up with Jungkook to sleep, the first thing he noticed was how quiet it still was around the dorm. It was 2:34 pm according to his phone, and everyone was usually up and doing their own thing by now. It was rarely ever this silent in their home. Just after checking the time on his phone, Jungkook’s phone starting ringing on his bedside table.
“Kook, wake up and answer your phone,” Tae grumbled, shaking him hard to wake him up.
Jungkook moaned then grabbed his phone. “Hello? You’re where? Oh. Yeah, we can come down. Gotta pee first though…Okay. Bye, Hyung.” Jungkook sat up on the side of the bed and stretched before tossing his phone aside.
“Get up, Hyung. We have to go down to help Hobi-hyung and Jimin-ssi carry some stuff up. They’ve apparently been shopping for Noona.”
While Jungkook headed off to the restroom, Taehyung went into his room and slipped shoes on and grabbed his key to get back in. Then, he grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge in the kitchen to sip on before heading down. By the time Jungkook came out of the bathroom, he’d drank half the bottle. Jungkook finished the bottle off in the elevator down to the parking garage. When they got to Hoseok’s parking space and saw both the backseat and the trunk full of bags and packages, they were both a little surprised.
“Did you buy an entire shop, hyungs? We’re going to have to make two trips!” Jungkook exclaimed.
Jimin laughed, then explained, “I wanted to buy everything Y/n would need for baking, then realized our kitchen has no baking utensils. So, I made a list from searching on the internet of things she might need. Yoongi-hyung and Namjoons added a few things to the list, then while Hobi-hyung and I were out, we got some recommendations from a nice grandma at the shops and called both our moms and Hobi-hyung’s sister.”
Even with all 4 of them carrying as much as they possibly could, it still took 3 trips to get everything upstairs. Then, it took a solid hour to unpack the bags and put all the different items out on the counter. Jungkook snapped a picture and sent it to Seokjin, captioned, “Did Jimin-ssi and Hobi-hyung forget anything Y/n needs for baking here at the dorms? They bought out two whole shops.”
 Namjoon and Yoongi had thought that going to a regular supermarket would be enough, but some of the items on their list were missing. Was buckwheat flour really something that had to come from a specialty store? And why is powdered milk so expensive? They were shocked at the cost of some of the bread-baking ingredients. They had never really considered how much those ingredients were or that they were even used. Namjoon had figured that the nuts and dried fruits for her granola recipe and some of the extracts might be a bit pricy, but the flour surprised him. She’d been spending loads of money on baking for them. They made so much more money than she did that Yoongi felt a bit like they had been robbing her. If any of the seven of them wanted a specific baked good, they just asked Y/n and the next day she’d show up with it. He felt a bit guilty about it since occasionally he’d ask for something extravagant just to tease her, and she’d make it anyway. Like that special dark bread he’d had when they had been in Berlin. Somehow, Y/n had recreated it perfectly. He had looked up a recipe and the list of ingredients was insane, including unsweetened chocolate, coffee, fennel seeds, molasses and rye flour among the list.
After around 2 hours shopping and 3 different shops later, they finally made it home and called Jungkook and Taehyung to come help carry everything up. Jungkook laughed when he saw what they had, and said, “I don’t know where we are going to put all this. Jimin-ssi and Hobi-hyung bought out 2 shops and they’ve eaten our kitchen.”
Even with that warning, Yoongi was shocked by the sheer volume of kitchen gadgets covering their kitchen island and most of the counter space. Thankfully, he and Namjoon had planned ahead a bit and had rearranged a shelf in their pantry to house nothing but the baking ingredients. They had also bought multiple canisters for storing the different flours and other dry ingredients that all had a chalkboard space for labeling the contents. With the help of the others, Namjoon and Yoongi were able to transfer them all to the pantry on their designated shelf. After they were finished, Jungkook snapped a photo of the shelf as well and texted it to Seokjin too. The caption on this one was, “Namjoon and Yoongi bought out the baking section of the supermarket and at least one specialty store. They decided that Jimin-ssi and Hobi-hyung were not going to outdo their efforts. While they were all out conquering shops, Taehyungie-hyung and I had a fabulous nap.”
When Y/n opened her eyes after crashing, the clock on the hospital room wall said 6:00 pm. She moved carefully so as not to wake Seokjin, who was still sleeping. After climbing out of the bed to use the restroom, she stopped for a second just to appreciate how beautiful he was even in sleep. How did I ever get so damn lucky, she thought to herself. She used the restroom, then washed her hands and brushed her teeth before stepping out into the room. Seokjin’s phone started vibrating on the bedside table as she was closing the bathroom door.
“Jinnie, wake up, love. Your phone is ringing.”
Seokjin startled awake then grabbed his phone. “Hey, Namjoon-ah. Yeah, we just woke up. No, I haven’t seen any messages from JK yet, but I’ll check them. Oh, okay. That works perfectly. We can update you when you get here then…See you soon.”
Upon hanging up the call, Seokjin mentioned that the guys were just parking outside the hospital and that they were bringing dinner. Y/n watched in amusement as his mouth dropped open and his eyes got wide. “Those boys have lost their minds,” he mumbled. “Well, Baby, you sure are in for a surprise tomorrow is all I will say.”
Before Y/n had a chance to question anything, the boys came crashing in the door with a variety of take out containers and beverages. Taehyung was also carrying another bouquet of flowers, which he shyly handed over while kissing her on the cheek. With Seokjin’s help, they wrangled up the table they had used the night before and placed out the chairs that had been stacked in the corner of the room. After spreading out all the different takeout boxes, they all just picked around at the random things spread out; while they had each chosen a specific meal, everyone just ate off of everyone else’s plates anyway, so they needn’t have bothered. After the silly dinner chatter quieted down, Seokjin filled in the group about the meetings with the doctors and the plan for Y/n’s hospital discharge.
“Namjoon-ah, Sejin-hyung will be calling you to let you know about the time for the meeting for everyone with Dr. Kang. I may or may not be in that meeting since I’ll be meeting with her daily. We also all will have her phone number in case we need it. For the first 2 weeks, Dr. Kang has said that she doesn’t want Y/n to be alone for extended periods of time. Now, while that means that we will all be hovering a bit more, Y/n is allowed 30 minutes maximum at a time alone. Y/n is an introvert, so she needs time alone; besides, going from living with one busy man to living with 7 busy men may be system shock for her to an extent and she’ll need time to process that,” Seokjin explained.
They all seemed perfectly okay with that idea. Hoseok and the maknae line were all loudly excited until Yoongi shushed them by reminding them where they were. After a bit, the group cleaned up everything and left to return home to finish their preparations for Y/n and Seokjin to return to the dorms.
Little did they know, they guys had begun preparing a small party to welcome them. In fact, Taehyung and Jungkook took a detour before returning to the apartment to buy party decorations. They didn’t buy a ton of decorations as they wanted to make a banner themselves, but they did buy some brightly colored streamers and some tastefully colored balloons and a few lightly scented candles to place around the kitchen and living room. Y/n had sent the three bouquets of flowers the boys had brought plus the two bouquets sent by her office home with the boys, so Jungkook also bought several vases to split up the larger bouquets. Then there could be flowers scattered throughout the apartment. The final stop they made before returning home was for a few gifts from the two of them. The others had already gone all out, so they wanted to have special gifts as well.
 The night passed quickly, but the discharge seemed to take forever. Dr. Kang had come in and met with Y/n and Seokjin before they could leave and did a full couples therapy session as a preparation for the upcoming weeks. After nearly an hour and a half of time with Dr. Kang and then a final hour-long examination from the hospital doctor, they were finally able to leave with discharge papers in hand. Namjoon had arranged for a car to pick them up and bring them to the apartment since Seokjin had ridden in the ambulance to the hospital and his car was at their apartment. Seokjin knew he’d have to go back to the apartment to pick up more clothes for the both of them and some other items, like their laptops, but Namjoon had assured that they should have most of the things they’d need for a day or so. They’d have time to settle in before returning.
Seokjin still had a key to the group’s apartment because he’d stay at the dorm from time to time when they had schedules at odd hours or if they flew home from overseas promotions in the middle of the night, so they didn’t have to knock on the door. Since Namjoon had arranged the car, Seokjin texted him to let him know that they were on their way. When they arrived, Seokjin unlocked the door and carried their bags in. He initially didn’t pay attention to the state of the room until he heard Y/n gasp. Then, he looked up and his mouth dropped open. There were royal purple balloons taped up in several places throughout the living room and a giant banner that said, “Welcome Home, Noona! We Purple You!” strung above the entrance to the kitchen. All 6 of the other members were standing in the entrance way with helium balloons and royal purple roses in their hands.
“Surprise?” Jungkook called out softly.
“Oh gosh, guys. You didn’t have to do this,” Y/n choked out, tears streaming down her face.
“No, but we wanted to, Noona,” Taehyung said, pulling her into a big hug. “Don’t cry unless they are happy tears. We are just getting started. You haven’t even opened presents yet.”
“Presents?”
Seokjin laughed heartily at that. “The boys got a little excited, Baby. I hope you are ready to drown in their affection.”
At that, Yoongi stepped forward and took Y/n by the hand. “We just wanted you to feel at home here with us. So we bought a few things so that you can do some of the things you love while you are here.”
When he led her into the kitchen, Y/n cried harder. Nearly every available surface was covered in bakeware. Just at a glance, Y/n saw a royal purple professional grade stand mixer that was still in the box, a set of glass mixing bowls, stainless steel mixing bowls, a flute pan, a baguette pan, whisks in multiple sizes, liquid measuring cups in three sizes, silicone baking mats, a baking stone, and loaf pans in 4 sizes ranging from individual to large. Y/n was in shock a bit, and was struggling to speak.
“This isn’t everything,” Namjoon said softly with a smile. He took her by the hand and led her into the pantry. “You have your own shelf, Y/nie. Yoongi-hyung and I tried to get as many ingredients as we could, but if we forgot something, let us know and we’ll go get it for you.”
Y/n was sobbing by this point. These beautiful men had spent so much time and money on equipment that they probably didn’t even understand the use for just so she would feel at home with them. She pulled Namjoon into a tight hug and croaked out a thank you, then grabbed Yoongi next.
“I just wanted to get something that could help, Noona. You told me once that you bake away your stress, and none of us bake, so we didn’t have anything you’d need. So, Hobi-hyung and I went shopping,” Jimin said gently when Y/n pulled him into a hug.
“Get over here, Hopie,” Y/n said through her tears, and squeezed him tight. “Thank you so much.”
“There are still more presents, Noona. Come sit down please,” Taehyung called from the living room.
Y/n moved toward his voice still in a state of shock and with tears streaming out of her eyes. Seokjin’s eyes were glassy too at the kindness of his brothers. The photos that Jungkook had sent had not done this justice; seeing it all spread out was overwhelming at best. Once they were sitting down, Taehyung and Jungkook pulled out a big beautifully wrapped box and a smaller box.
“Which do you want first, Noona?” Jungkook asked.
After thinking for a few moments, Y/n said, “The smaller one?”
Taehyung giggled then handed her the smaller box. Y/n took a moment to unwrap the lovely silver wrapping paper. Inside the box, there were 8 rings of varying sizes. She looked up a little bit perplexed.
“So, these rings are special. Do you see the pretty blue one in the middle?”
Y/n looked at him and nodded before looking back down at the rings.
“These rings are special. They are all connected together. The blue one in the middle is yours. When you wear it, it will be connected to all the others by Bluetooth on our phones. There is a ring for each of us as well. There is a small button on the underside of the rings. If we push those buttons, we will be able to feel your heart beating in real time. The same works with yours, except you will have to press your button a certain way for each of us. They have been programmed already, and I have a list of the special codes for each of our rings for you. All we have to do is connect them to our Bluetooth,” Taehyung explained. “Now, as long as we each are wearing our rings, you will be able to feel us with you no matter where you are. You never have to feel alone again.”
Taehyung took a moment to distribute the rings to each member. They were all slightly different and suited each one’s style, which amazed Y/n. How in the world had he made this happen on such short notice?
“Okay, now for my present. It’s much simpler, but I think it will help,” Jungkook said, plopping the box in her lap.
“Kookoo, it’s heavy! What is this?” Y/n pondered out loud.
“Open it and find out!”
After unwrapping the dark purple paper, Y/n opened the box to find a soft purple blanket.
“It’s a weighted blanket. I have a friend in Busan who has panic attacks, and she said that she has one and it helps so much when she is anxious or afraid. I’m hoping it will help you on your bad days. While we will always be there for you too, I know that sometimes you will want to be the strong one and try to deal on your own, and this is for those days.”
Y/n pulled him and Taehyung both into a tight hug. “Thank you both so much. I don’t know how to thank you enough.”
The rest of the evening was spent with Y/n and Seokjin trying to settle in a bit while helping the others to put away the bulk of the kitchen gadgets and running the new bakeware through the dishwasher. Y/n was so incredibly touched by the heart of these 7 men and kept pinching herself because she kept thinking she was going to wake up from a dream.
 Y/n was a little bit overwhelmed the first few days. She was not used to being around other people constantly and it was a little bit exhausting. Luckily, she found that when she was starting to feel that way, Yoongi would shoo the others away and take her to his studio. He liked to work in silence, and he was an introvert too, so he understood how loud the other guys’ personalities could be. Y/n savored her time with Yoongi-chi; she would curl up on the couch and nap, read, or play games on her phone for a few hours until she felt better.
The other member that seemed to constantly surprise her was Namjoon. If he noticed she was getting overwhelmed and Yoongi wasn’t around, they would put on hats and face masks and Namjoon would take her on a walk through the park near the apartment. When they were walking, Namjoon wouldn’t say anything. They would just slowly stroll down the path by the river and breath for a bit. When he was sure she was calm, then he’d start to chat with her. Without her knowledge, he actually used the rings that Taehyung had bought to measure her heart rate. He could tell when she was stressed without her ever having to speak up.
Seokjin was her strength. When she had nightmares and woke up screaming, he held her gently and sang to her until she settled down. He cracked jokes when he could to lighten the atmosphere and make her laugh. He went to therapy on his own for a while to learn better how to help her and to help himself, then went with her too when she needed it. On the days that Y/n nearly choked with fear, he guarded her from the other guys and shielded her from their worry and attention. And the day she hit her knees in the practice room from the pain of having lost her baby, he was there to hold her and kiss her and slowly piece her heart back together with his love.
There were days that Y/n was so angry that she needed to get energy out. Jungkook was her go to those days. He’d take her to the gym with him and let her beat the hell out of a punching bag until she felt better. He’d offered to spar with her once and had learned quickly that it was a bad idea. She landed a great left hook to his side and he hadn’t blocked in time; she felt guilty for several days after seeing the bruise she’d left behind and refused to spar with him again after that.
On the days when she had way too much nervous energy, then she baked. While he couldn’t help, Jimin would sit on a stool at the island and fetch ingredients for her out of the pantry. It always amazed him how she’d take a few things and make a dough. Bread was her go to on those days because bread dough loves abuse. She could punch it, slam it down, and smack it around, and the more she did, the better it would turn out. Jimin had to keep an eye on her sometimes though. After she had baked 8 loaves in one day, Jimin had to make her stop baking. He marched her out of the kitchen to the bathroom and handed her a bath bomb. After he heard the hot water start, he cleaned the kitchen and camped out on Seokjin’s bed until she came out. The soak in the tub did wonders for her and she settled down. After that, she’d talk as she baked and be careful not to overdo it.
Taehyung was a softer soul at times and acted as her music therapist. The days when melancholy threatened to swallow her whole, Taehyung would come up to her and say, “Hey Noona, have you heard this song?” He’d distract her with a variety of random music he found, and they’d curl up on his bed and share headphones and talk music for hours. After a while, the sounds would soothe her heart enough that her mood would shift.
Hoseok was the living embodiment of hope. Everyone knows that, but to Y/n he was also joy. Dark days with Hoseok meant going and taking over the practice room and booting anyone else in there out. Hoseok would lock the door and put on the goofiest songs he could find and they’d do the silliest dances they could come up with. Y/n nearly lost it the day he started their “HopeY/n Dance Therapy Session” with Baby Shark. But it always helped. At some point in their silliness, at least one of them would fall in the floor in a pile of laughter. Afterward, there was a bit more light in her world and a little less darkness.
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moczothe1st · 6 years ago
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Let’s Play Fire Emblem IV: Genealogy of the Holy War, Part 21: Thracial Tensions
Part 20
Welcome back to FEIV! You may recall last week I spent about an hour freaking out in terror over a teenage girl killing me, just like I do every week in real life (Go home, Jessica!).  This week, however, we have no enemies left on the map and get to enjoy a nice normal time of things as we go to save everyone from the broken and fleeing Imperials, and surely Travant won’t fuck it up.  
Before anything else, though, I use the newly-acquired castle to run Faval through the Arena, since he joined up after everyone else was already done.  
Faval: Seven wins, gained two levels:  +3 HP, +2 Skill, +1 Strength, +1 Speed, +2 Luck, +1 Defense
Not bad at all! End turn, and let’s get the story rocking along.
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(Kinky.)
Travant, Ugh: Now’s our chance to help ourselves to the north, starting with Manster! Altena! I leave the capture of Manster to you. I’ll send General Coulter with you. If anyone stands in your way, suppress them without a second thought. I don’t care if it’s a little kid with a wooden stick. Cut them down!
(You may remember the name Altena from part one, if you think back; yup, it’s Quan and Ethlyn’s kidnapped daughter, raised by the enemy. And yes, just in case you thought he might have gone fully sympathetic anti-villain last week, this whole conversation is good proof he’s still a dick.)  
Altena: Hold on a moment, Father! I’m as eager to challenge the Empire as you are, but killing innocents makes no sense at all! We’d be better served forging an alliance with the liberators. We’re already surrounded by enemies. Why make more?
Travant: Altena, I have no interest in one of your little lectures. Keep your mouth shut and do as you’re told!  
Altena: But, father…
Arion: Please, Altena, just listen to him. Father and I must return to the capital.  We’ve some further preparations to make. Best of luck holding the border, Altena.
Altena: Arion… very well. I’ll do it.
Travant: Then don’t waste your time dawdling! Do it!
(What a dick!)
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Travant: I haven’t seen a woman so brash since her mother… quite the family resemblance there!
Arion: Father, you surely must realize that Altena means you no ill will. You needn’t be so harsh on her.
Travant: Yes, that much is obvious, thank you!  
(I have to point out that this means he realizes he doesn’t need to be harsh on Altena, but does it anyway. What a dick!)
Travant: … Let’s head back to the capital, Arion. We need to ready the army to claim this peninsula as ours, once and for all!
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Ced: I suppose it was only a matter of time before Travant showed his true colors…                        
Needy McNeedypants: The liberation army’s sure to want to aid us, but they still haven’t crossed the river! What do we do?
Ced: Everyone! Get out of here and run for Connaught! I’ll stay here and fend off the dracoknights for as long as I can!
Waaaaaah: B-but that’s impossible, Sir Ced! Not even you could survive a dracoknight assault by yourself!  
(*snerk* Yeah, Ced’s in mortal danger.)
Ced: I know, but I can’t risk any lives but my own.  Don’t worry. I won’t go down without bringing a few Thracians down with me! Please, we’ve no time to waste!
Poor Listener: Sir Ced…
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Now. We do need to hurry here, but it’s most definitely not out of any worry for Ced’s life. Bluntly speaking, he could kill the entire Thracian army by himself, provided his weapon doesn’t break from hitting  them all too hard.  But the thing is, he’s currently a neutral unit, not part of our army, so if he wipes out the Thracians right now he won’t get a drop of EXP from it.  Furthermore, just like way back in Silesse, every one of those civilians we can successfully rescue will give a free level to the unit that talks to them! That alone is worth going to war with Thracia, frankly.    
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Oh, and there’s some villages off to the east across a small mountain range, being burned by bandits. Because screw you and screw your happiness.  Time to start running, kids.  First, though, Nanna and Ares can have a chat; Cousin Fun Time!
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Nanna: I’ve been hearing you’re the son of Lord Eldigan. Is there any truth to that?
Eldigan: There is. Of what concern is it to you?
Nanna: Oh, I knew it was true! I’m the daughter of Raquesis Lachesis, Lord Eldigan’s sister!
Ares: C-can this be?! Are you truly my aunt’s child?
(Why won’t anyone in this army say the word ‘cousin’?  Leif and Seliph are cousins, and they said ‘aunt’s child’ too.  There’s a word that means ‘aunt or uncle’s child’, writers!)
Nanna: Of course I am! You know, my mother was really worried about what happened to you. It must have been her search for you that brought us to Leonster all those years ago…
Ares: My father knew well that the stormclouds of a brutal civil war lurked across Agustria.  
(“He could have stopped it and saved thousands of lives, but that would have required admitting the evil king was evil, and he psychologically couldn’t do that.”)  
Ares: I was a mere infant and my mother was in poor health, so he bade her to seek refuge with her parents in Leonster. Alas, Leonster too fell afoul of a war of its own, and my mother lost her life to the Empire’s invasion.
Nanna: That’s where Jabarro comes in, right?
Ares: Indeed. Jabarro found me and took me in as his own, and with his mercenary corps I traveled the world and learned the art of war.
(“And then, he left my friend to get raped and mocked me for getting angry about it. That was awkward.”)
Nanna: SO that’s why I’ve never found you before…. Listen, Ares. My mother left me something to give you if we ever met.
Ares: Oh? What is this… is this… is this Father’s?!
(Ooooooooh, what is it?! A sword? Spear? Kickass magic ring? Go on!)
Nanna: It is! A letter from Lord Eldigan, and it’s address to you, Ares.
(… Lame.)
Ares: I can’t believe it…
Nanna: This should sort everything out! It says your father and Lord Sigurd were the closest of friends and held each other’s deepest trust.
(“It also says other plot-convenient things, like a detailed explanation of how you ended up getting your dad’s sword after he died in another country!  Also he stops to specify that he never touched my mother seven different times, which I felt was a bit odd.”)
Ares: So it says… wow, I… I’ve been so, so wrong for all this time…
Nanna: Please look after Lord Seliph, Ares. He really is depending on you!
Ares: I will, I promise you… say, Nanna. How would you like a quick lesson in swordplay. Here, pay close attention…
Nanna gains +2 to her defense from this conversation, and I enjoy that because if she’s going to be a melee fighter, she might as well go all out.  
Now then. There are six civilians to collect, and obviously we have more than six units, so let’s see who’s currently the lowest. Tinni is level 10, Faval, Patty, and Fee are 12, Arthur, Larcei, Dermott, and Lester are 13. We’re about to fight a shit-ton of wyverns, so Lester and Faval are gonna be just fine, and obviously Arthur is invincible; I’ll give two to Tinni, one each to Patty, Dermott, Fee, and Larcei. Thankfully, like actual people they do have the politeness to run toward us, so I can get most of them right away.  
Tinni: +2 HP, +2 Skill, +2 Speed, +1 Luck, +1 Defense, +1 Resistance
Dermott: +1 HP, +1 Defense
Patty:  +1HP, +1 Strength, +1 Skill, +1 Speed, +1 Luck
Dermott, what the Hell man? Though I guess Defense is what you need most of all, so… okay, I’ll allow it.  Way to rock out Patty, though.  Anyhow, my other two civilian rescuers don’t get to reach them this turn, but enough people do get there that no wyverns will be reaching them. End turn!
….
Yeah, the wyverns take awhile to get to you, nothing happens on the enemy phase.  Time to get the remaining civilians.  
Fee: +1 HP, +1 Strength, +1 Skill
Larcei: +2 HP, +1 Speed, +1 Luck, +1 Defense
Not bad! And off to the east, the team sent to clear out the two villages reaches the first one and removes a bandit with extreme prejudice…
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And Seliph, taking advantage of his new horse, runs down to recruit Ced.
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(“At last”.  You might notice that I actually arrived before those enemies you were planning to make a dramatic last stand against, bro.)  
Ced: Sire, I implore you! Save this world! Too many of us have already given into despair.  The city of Manster has been robbed by the Empire of countless young children. All were sent to dark shrines in Miletos… I… I couldn’t save even a single child. Me, brave? Ha! I hardly deserve such a lofty label. I’m just another coward…
Seliph: That isn’t true, Ced! If I were to fight alone as you have, I know there’d be precious little I could do. It was uniting the strength of my friends, a team effort, which brought us this far. And I believe that your strength could be a valuable part of our cause. Please, Ced the Brave. Grant us your power!
Ced: Thank you, sire… you’ll have my loyalty, no matter what!
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So here’s Ced, Erin and Azel’s other child and Fee’s brother.  He’s… he’s really awesome. Ced is one of those kids who is impossible to fuck up, he’s going to turn out kind of overpowered no matter what; he can use both staves and any kind of magic other than Dark, so he has tons of offensive options. In addition his base stats are absurd, with magic and speed already within sight of the cap at level 14. Those are really all he needs, but he still also has decently above-average values in everything other than strength, seemingly just to taunt the enemy. If you pair Lewyn/Erin like the game clearly wants you to do, he’ll end up stupidly overpowered thanks to starting with Forseti and being unquestionably the best person to use it, but that does also mean you don’t get it back until now.  Ishtar says ‘hello’.
From here, there’s not much else to do; just run everyone up to the castle, and get ready for the wyvern rush. End turn!
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Maykov: Men! Bolster our defensive line! Until His Majesty returns, we must protect the border at all costs!
(Bring it on, bitch. I beat Ishtar, you and your mooks are nothing but free EXP to me.)  
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(… Why do you guys hate Johan so much? I mean, other than all the obvious reasons to hate Johan?)
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Altena: Wait here with the squad. I’ll see if I can negotiate a surrender.
Coulter: You know I can’t do that. My orders come from over your head. You can spout all the lovey nonsense you wish, but the king forbids me to stay my hand.
Altena: Are you questioning a direct order from your commander and your princess, General?!
Coulter: These are my men, princess! If you don’t wish to partake yourself, then stand aside! Make yourself useful and watch our backs! Now then… is everyone ready? Prepare to strike Manster! Leave no survivors!
(You know, it would be easier to sympathize with the plight of the Thracian People if 95% of them weren’t total douchebags.)
Altena: Coulter! Get back here at once!
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Why do they hate Leif so much?  … It’s the hair, isn’t it? Dammit, guys, he can’t help it. Bad Hair is genetic in this land.
All right, time to slaughter, I think.
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Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Okay, only a handful of them are left, but Lene is in range of a few so she might die and force a reset here. Try to not do that, Lene. End turn!
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… Seriously, though? That was… I mean, that one who died on Shanan could have stabbed my weak sissy little dancer. Why…? Oh, who cares. Let’s just finish them off.
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That was fun. Oh, and we can run Ced through the Arena while we’re here. Gee I wonder how that will go.
Ced: 7 Wins, gained levels: +1 HP, +1 Strength, +1 Speed, +1 Magic, +1 Luck, +1 Resistance
Nobody even hit him. *sniff* Welcome to the team, Ced.  
And with that, we have crushed the original Thracian assault. Altena is still chilling over the mountains, she can’t fight us, so we start moving past her toward the last castle.  End turn!
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Where did he come from?! Yeesh, that actually got me, I totally missed that one of the wyverns had run off to the side and was hiding over the water for some reason. What the what, guys.  And to the other side, one of the bandits actually moves to go after Ares! That’s also weird!
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Not a threat, but weird!
Our turn starts, and Tinni claims my vengeance on the Surprise!Wyvern, Lana gains a level from healing, and Fee is clearly enjoying her work clearing out the last village.
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Beautiful, Fee. For that level, you also get the village money.
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Creepy Old Lady: Either way, I want to thank you for coming all this way for such a small and remote town. This here trinket’s a thief’s band. She’s an odd little thing: slip her on and you’ll soon find yourself stealing like you’ve done it all your life. Hoo hoo hoo! Take care of yourself dearie!
Hoo hoo hoo indeed. She does need some money, so this will be helpful for her. In the meantime, though, Tinni of all people already has the money to purchase the Paragon Band, so I have her drop by the shop to grab it, then shove her to the front of the army.  Oh, and Faval has been waiting to chat with Seliph for all this time, that’s nice.  
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Seliph: Relax, I understand why you did what you did. You’ve nothing to worry about.  
Faval: I don’t think so, sir. Letting myself work for the very same Empire I’ve supposedly been opposing? That was shamefully half-witted of me…
(I mean, you said it, not me.)
Faval: Sir, I swear I’ll make up for my bad choices. I’ll do everything I can to aid you!
Seliph: Thank you, Seliph. We’re glad to have you.
The army runs forward, being harried by ballistae as we go, and that’s okay. Because it means there’s some healing to do on the way, and from this healing…
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It is time.  
You know, on the next turn. Because on this turn, I kind of moved into wyvern range too. It’s okay, the wyverns are losers, we can-
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…. Really, dude? Wyverns and ballistae? That is what breaks you?! I have never before wanted to leave you dead before, Ulster, but this did it. *sigh* Reset.  I do the last few turns roughly as before; they were mostly just random moving around anyhoo; this time, I have everyone stop right on the edge of the evil damn wyverns, so only the ballistae can attack us. We probably won’t die from just them.  And then, when we KILL THEM, we can stop in a nice defensive formation to protect Ulster from getting nasty booboos.  I also have Lana end her turn by zapping Julia back to home base after she gets herself the exact same pretty good level.
Let’s try this again.
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Much less interesting; much more better.  Now, before anything else:
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Uweeheeheeheeheeheeheehee. Look at that delicious +8 to speed. Speed is one of Julia’s most important stats, because her growth in it is only average; if she’s gonna get screwed at anything that she really needs, it will be Speed. That did not happen here.  UWEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE.
Now, time to remove some siege engines.
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…. Erm… let’s remove… one. Siege engine. There’s a lot of mountains in this area, and it was hard to get enough units down there to… to actually help.
This may go badly.
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… Or the enemy may totally forget that whole laser-focus death attack that ruined everything last time, and just randomly throw themselves against anything nearby, achieving absolutely nothing.  I mean, works for me, but…
Oh, let’s just finish this off.
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Now see, this is the kind of turn I like, kids.  Ares and Nanna are still running home and won’t make it in time for the battle, but that’s okay; there’s only one enemy left, the boss. I stop to give Ares a village because he’s worth it.  
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Info Master: With his heavenly lance, Gungnir, he dared to challenge the king of demons himself! Rumor has it that Nova of the Crusaders, ancestor of the lords of House Leonster, was in fact the sister of Lord Dain…
Oh boy, more Thracian political history. End turn!
,.. Oh right, there’s no more enemies.  Well, let’s just close up. I spend a few turns moving everyone up, only stopping to let Fee talk to her brother.
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Fee: I’ve been looking for you, of course! I mean, you’ve been gone from Silesse for so long, and we had no idea where you were!
Cedsy: I know, Fee, and I’m sorry…. See, what happened was I was passing through Manster in my search for Father. I would have moved on, but the people’s plight was nothing short of heartbreaking. I couldn’t just leave them to waste away…
Fee: I should’ve known. That is so like you, Cedsy! And here I was, almost starting to forget why you’re so incredible.
(Oh God, they’re not gonna be another incest couple, are they? I’m sensitive whenever siblings act too nice to each other in this game.)
Cedsykins: You’ve joined the liberation army, then?
Fee: Yep! I just knew I had to help Lord Seliph.
Cedsy-poo: Is that so… you’re even more like Mother than I thought! Not once in her life did she ever turn her back on someone in need.
Fee: You’re just like her too, Cedsy…. Poor mom, though. Just thinking about how Dad left her… it makes me so mad!
Cedsy Wedsy Pudding and Pie: I still can’t make sense of his actions. What could he have possibly been thinking…
Their dad was Azel, and I’m pretty sure he died at Belhalla.  See, the game sort of assumes their dad is Lewyn, because… well, because the game does everything short of have Lewyn and Erin already be married when they join, mostly. Anyway, this conversation gives Ced a point of Luck, because he really needed it.  
Now for the boss!  This guy is not particularly dangerous, not gonna lie to you here; however, you should not fight him at range if you can avoid it. Whyyyy?
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E-yup, Jamke’s old Killer Bow!  Neither of our archers really need it, so there’s no need for them to get fighty over it; in fact, I think I’m going to try to get it to Leif, since he can use bows after he promotes. Besides, you really do not want to fight this fucker at range, have him activate Pavise to survive it, and then crit you with that thing.  Melee units, to the front!
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*sniff* I love it when a plan comes together. Seliph, bring us home.
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(… You mean they’re a level lower, right?)
Seliph: It almost feels as if each blow is fueled by pure desperation…
Lewyn: Thracia’s always had a bad lot in life… much of its land is consumed by mouintains, farming its own food is a near impossible task, so they struggle to keep themselves fed. Thracia’s men seek mercenary work to find the money to stay alive, while its women are stuck in whatever dreary jobs they can dig up.  Don’t get me wrong, King Travant is an awful man, but there’s far more than his own petty gain at stake in his schemes.  
(Protip for writers: If you want people to find your anti-villain sympathetic, be sure to keep his smug cackling, kidnapping babies, and ordering the mass slaughter of civilians to a minimum.)
Lewyn: The Thracian army is as loyal to Travant as they come. They ardently believe it’s him who will guide Thracia out of its endless famine.
(“I mean, yes, he’s been trying for almost two decades with no results and has now led them to another crushing defeat the instant he chose to become involved with international affairs again… but… look, they’re loyal, not smart.”)  
Seliph: I see… that does make sense…
Lewyn: The thing is, no amount of poverty can justify Thracia’s aggression.  Travant’s brand of nobility and justice would never be accepted anywhere else in the world. All other nations can see are rowdy aggressors who threaten their peaceful lives. As harsh as it may seem, Seliph, I trust you know you can’t afford to stay your hand here. The Thracian royal family is the enemy, and a grave threat to the north’s peace. Stripping them of power is the only choice. That task falls to us, and we can’t fail now.
(Dammit, game, stop making me agree with Lewyn!)
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And with that, Altena flies away, and the battle ends. Be sure to sign in next week when we… *sigh*… spend another map worth of Thracian peninsula politics.  Good times, good times. At least we finally get a wyvern knight in the army! And I don’t consider that a spoiler because neither does the game, bluntly.  Laters!  
Resets: 25. Way to drop the ball in the 9th inning there, Ulster.
Part 22
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thebeckychronicles · 7 years ago
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Post 16: What next?
Tomorrow is my sixth chemo session and I’m dreading it. I’m past the halfway point in my treatment. When I first got diagnosed my main concern was getting better, I didn’t think about the emotional or psychological aspect of it really. Except for some bouts of extreme emotion for the most part I’ve just felt bewildered and kind of apathetic at this whole debacle. I think back to when I was laying on that table getting the biopsy done and as the needles were making their way into my body all I could think, “How did I get here?” That is the question. How did I get here?
I’ve stated before that I didn’t really know how to explain how I feel about this situation. Now, I think the best way I’m able to describe this is that I feel like this disease has hijacked my body, my life. It’s hard to believe that this is Jennifer Martinez-Lorenzo. This body, this life- all feel like a stranger to me. I don’t know this person and I don’t know how to accept this as my reality. Like I said, I’m still bewildered and confused at this situation. And by situation I mean my life.  
All I’ve been focused on is the physical aspect of my disease. I’ve been focused on getting that 100% negative PET scan; that’s been the goal. As I’m nearing the end of my treatment, because of the assurance that I’m responding well to it, I’ve had more time to think about how I’m feeling and the emotional repercussions of having a life-threatening illness like cancer. It sounds ridiculous but I didn’t realize just how much I’d be living with cancer even after I finished treatment; and I didn’t realize just how much cancer wormed its way into the crevices of my life.
It’s weird, I never thought being sick would create triggers in my life but here are some: - The smell of saline makes me throw up, in and out of a hospital setting. - I’m slightly claustrophobic now- this wasn’t the case until they started putting me in different enclosed machines for PET/CT scans, MRIs, etc. - I have panic attacks in the shower. Every. Time. I’m not really sure why, I think it has to do with the fact that in the shower I first noticed my hair falling out and I always get tired and have to sit down. It’s every time I get in the shower I wonder how else is the chemo gonna make itself evident in my body. Thank you chemo. I don’t shower with the door locked in case I need my mom to help me out of my panic. I’m 20 years old and I have to give myself a pep talk every time I get into the shower. Awesome. - Repetitive noises are terrible, strangely enough they also send me into an irritated panic. I think it has to do with the fact that when you’re getting chemo done the IV machine that they set up makes an irritating beeping noise every time the next chemo drug needs hooked up. And since you’re in a hall full of people getting chemo and not only do you hear your machine go off but theirs too - The smell of mint, this used to help with my nausea and now it’s become the cause of my nausea. Awesome.
The most terrible part about this whole thing I that I can’t look at my home the same way. I’ve lived here my whole life, this home holds my childhood, my adolescence, my achievements, my failures. This home has seen it all. Now I can’t stand being at home. I can’t look at my bedroom the same because since I’ve started treatment my bed has been my place of convalescence. No matter how many times or how often I wash my sheets I can still smell the chemo and saline. I can’t look at my bedside shelves the same because that’s where I put all my medical paperwork and medications. For days after getting treatment no matter what I do I can’t get the taste of chemo out of my mouth or off my skin. I recently went back to work and it is the biggest relief. You know cancer’s got you messed up when the best part of your week is coming to work (I love where I work and my coworkers but seriously). I left that job in December before I got sick- so there’s very little there that reminds me of being sick. My parents and sister were concerned about me going back to work what with the compromised immune system but I needed to. It helps that they’re so great and willing to accommodate my needs (thanks Trav and Miguel). I said that I don’t feel like myself, that my life and body feel hijacked by this disease. Going to work brings me a sense of normalcy that I desperately need. It’s such a relief to go somewhere that has no ties to my illness or my convalescence.
Which brings me back to my point. I strongly, strongly dislike being at home. Even though within these walls I’ve gotten better, this has also been the place that has seen my worst days. It’s the place that has seen me on the floor unable to move, has seen me throw up a range of foods and colors, has seen me in the most intense pain of my life. And even though this house has seen so much of the joy in life, I can’t help but come home and be reminded all over again about the fact that I am sick. That I’ve been sick.
I thought that as I approached the end of my treatment I’d feel relief. While there is some, I’ve come to the realization that Becky may be gone soon but she’s taken pieces of me with her. I’m not plagued by the fear that I’ll be diagnosed with cancer again, or that I’ll face some complications from my treatment down the line but I feel like I’ve lost a bit of my peace of mind because of this. In some way, shape or form I think I’ll be carrying Becky with me for the rest of my life. I know people think that once you get diagnosed with some life threatening disease and then you beat it that you need to live a fully positive and carpe diem life for the rest of your days. And I agree, my priorities and perspective/attitude on life has definitely changed and I’m not pessimistic. But to say that I don’t at all think about what next or what if would be a lie. I don’t mind Becky being something I think about for the rest of my life; there is no escaping the fact that she took up the better part of a year from me and she’s a part of my life story, I don’t mind her being there in the back of my mind. I just don’t want to be ruled by her.
I thought that once I was done with treatment, or at least getting closer to the end of treatment that everything would go back to normal. I’d take my life and body back. I’d take my identity back. I feel some relief but I also feel a lot of anxiety. I’m not exactly sure what I’m anxious about, maybe all the emotions I haven’t really dealt with upfront. Maybe it’s trying to learn how to move past this disease. This disease that went off like a bomb in my life and now I’m dealing with the shrapnel it left in its wake.
You know how in movies the protagonist gets diagnosed with terminal cancer or some other life threatening disease and that pushes them to do all the things they had wanted to do but were too afraid to do? I used to think that was very clichéd and I mean it is- but I definitely understand that now. I’ve felt antsy these past few weeks and I used to think it was just antsy to be done with treatment, to close this chapter in my life, to reclaim my fucking life back. And yes I am so ready to be done with this whole thing. I am ready to feel like myself again. Yes, while I am absolutely ready to be done with this disease, I’m more anxious to figure out how to pull myself out of this free-fall that cancer pushed me into.
Cancer has made me question everything in my life. My relationships, my friendships, what I want to study, where I want to finish my undergrad, what I want to prioritize, where I want to be right now. These past two years I’ve been half-assing it or just coasting at life. I went to school because I didn’t want to disappoint my parents. I stayed in state because I worried I couldn’t do it out on my own. I didn’t try all that much in school because I didn’t particularly care to be there. I chose a major that I feel ardently about but chose out of convenience. I made choices because I didn’t know what I wanted for myself. I haven’t asked myself what I want to do, who I want to be in a long time. I haven’t felt excited about life or passionate about anything in a long time. I feel like I don’t know who I am, I’m questioning if I really wanted to be doing what I was doing, if I want what I thought I previously wanted. Life happens so fast, one minute you’re celebrating your 20th birthday; the next you’re on a biopsy tabled getting stuck with 10 needles. Having cancer has made me feel sort of frozen in time. There is no going back to B.C. (before cancer). Now I’m squarely in A.D. (after diagnosis). It’s a new beginning and I don’t know how to approach it. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know what I want; when it comes to anything- and it’s freaking me out. It’s like some weird identity crisis. All I know is that I can’t stand to be at home, I can’t stand to be in Washington. All I know is that I need to be gone for a while. So I’m trying to figure out my options in terms of schooling and where I want to live. It feels like I’m freefalling but I don’t know which way is up. I’m antsy- so antsy because I don’t want to be here. As strange as it is, my desperation to escape my body, to escape my life is at an all-time high. I’m antsy to move on and figure out what I want for myself. I feel like cancer has pushed me to “live life to the fullest” but what the fuck does that even mean???? What does that look like on a day to day basis? Maybe that’s where my confusion lies.
Dealing with the emotional aftermath of cancer is like its own kind of trauma and I’m intimidated by the enormity of what I’m feeling because I don’t even know how to begin to unpack it all. I don’t know if any of this made sense. It feels like even after I’m done with treatment life will feel like an open-ended question. Which is frightening and paralyzing.
I’m thinking a lot of things and I don’t understand most of them. It’s the most frustrating thing.
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