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luna-is-on-mars · 3 years ago

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I'm so deeply sorry for worrying you @ajokeformur-ray and @jslittlebirdie! That was never my intention and it pains me very much to realize how unfair and careless my disappearance was. In fact, I still find it difficult to realize and accept that I'm actually seen, heard and even valued by the two of you, that I may not just be a nobody on the internet, but a very real friendship. I would like to apologize to you from the bottom of my heart for the sorrow that has arisen, for the worries and thoughts that you've made, for the horrific impression that I've given and all the other terrible things and feelings that my sudden absence caused. I swear none of this was my intention and I hope so much you two know that none of this has to do with any of you! I'm all too aware of how it feels and none of you deserve it in the least. For this reason I understand that you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore and yet I hope that you can accept my apology. What I did was neither fair nor justified, I know that, but I still want to let you know that I miss you indescribably. Even when we weren't interacting or I was online, you were always with me, in my heart and mind. The meaning that you've for me is limitless and I could never thank you for all the wonderful, great things that you've done and are for me. I hope to never forget you and I hope so much that my carelessness and thoughtlessness didn't ruin such a meaningful acquaintance!

I was wondering how I could ever get in touch again, tried not to be a coward just once, to admit my mistake and to apologize. I know that I've always needed you more than you needed me, that I've hoped again and again for understanding and acceptance from you. And I realized that this time is probably no exception. So if you're still reading this text, then the READ MORE will be followed by my explanation of why I disappeared at all, why it took me so long to come back and what was going on in my head.

So, as you may know, my apprenticeship started last Monday. In detail, this means that I have two days of school every two weeks and one day of school for the opposite two weeks. In the weeks where I have one day of school, I also work five days in the store, in the weeks with two days of school it is four days. This means that I only have one day off per week and that I'm awake from 5:10 or 6:00 am, until 1:30 or 2:40 pm at work/school, at 2:00 or 3:30 pm I'm at home and go to bed by 9 p.m. at the latest, so really too little time to rest, cook, clean up, etc. So currently I ride my bike about 40-50 km per week. All of this ensures that I'm quite exhausted, plus the overwhelming changes in my everyday life, with completely new and unknown environments, activities, people and above all routines (which is an enormous effort for me). But all of this has become more or less established for me and I very much hope that not too much will change now and that I'll get used to everything as quickly as possible.

All of these things are already exhausting enough for me, but the worst is that I'm now going back to school with people who're all too quick to judge and who've high expectations of me, who've little understanding and openness for people who're different, with problems and difficulties. People like me. I've already had a negative clash with one of my teachers because he asked me to do something that I couldn't organize in terms of time.

But that's not what's worst for me because that's one of my classmates. She has only seen me for two days, hardly knows anything about me and yet she hurt me so much and made me think that I came home and cried, so discouraged and hopeless. Actually, I'm not an overly "openly" emotional person, but I don't have too high an opinion of myself anyway.

She told me that I'm such a shollow person, invisible, irrelevant, that my being alone alienates me from my surroundings, that I would't understand anything within the real life, that all I'm and feel are just my thoughts, that I'm a waste in this world, that I'm alone and always will be because my lack of social interaction and experiences mean that I'm not able, don't have the right, to feel part of any group or society. She told me that I'm a nobody, incapable of anything, with a cold heart.

And let me tell you, I was overwhelmed, scared, sad and hurt. I actually thought there was some truth to it, and maybe it is, but after days of worrying, I realized that I'm SO MUCH more too!

All of my problems, all of my loneliness don't make me angry, bitter or cold-hearted, on the contrary, in fact. My loneliness and detachment are part of me, neither positive nor negative, they allow me to observe, understand and empathize. Maybe I don't belong anywhere, but because of me, no one else will EVER have to feel as if they're not accepted and valued for who they're. No one will ever feel as lost or hopeless as I do. For me, every single living being is something very special and extraordinary. Maybe I don't have a big or important meaning, but neither am I meaningless. If being part of one of these groups or societies means that it's okay to hurt someone, then I NEVER can and NEVER want to be part of them. I prefer to watch the world, stay away from people who have no idea of the meaning of their words and deeds, stay lonely. Because, in reality, my heart is neither cold nor dead, it's incredibly alive, full of warmth and love. My mind is filled with so many wonderful ideas, stories, observations, and experiences; it's not dull or wasted. My amazement, love, curiousity, compassion and appreciation are truly limitless. Maybe I'll never fully understand the people and life around me, maybe I'll never find my place, my home, but that's okay. My mother always told me that if I don't find my place among people, I'll always have one among the stars. I've no idea what or who is popular, how to do this or that, what's considered normal or realistic, what makes the average life special, worth living or beautiful. And that's okay. I realized, more than before, that I'm capable of something, something very important in fact! I feel, intensely, limitless and almost magical. I know what it feels like to have the rain pattering down on me, to feel the wind in my hair, to see my cats happy, to see the smiles of those around me, authentic and beautiful, how amazing it is to look at the stars, to be filled and flowed through by music. I know what it feels like to live, not to experience, but to simply be alive, to breathe, to see and to perceive everything, no matter how small, around me. To be overwhelmed by emotions, good and bad. Should I actually be meaningless, then I'm definitely grateful for all the meaningful things that I can experience.

I'm lonely, out of place, that's right. Maybe I'm lost, but maybe it allows me to see and discover so much more. I have realized that all of my weaknesses and difficulties, my loneliness, make me understanding and kind. Not cold or incompetent, insignificant or indifferent. I wish I could show her, make her understand that there's so much more than popularity or reputation, all of these wonderfully great things that she seems to overlook or perceive as of less value. And even though her words hurt me, I made up my mind to forgive her. I wish she would understand how complex and meaningful words, deeds, feelings, people and this extraordinary world are, I'm sorry that she understands and appreciates so little. In any case, I want to make sure that she, or anyone else, NEVER gets hurt by me.

I'm sorry to annoy you with my rambling, but that's why I needed time to myself. Unfortunately, I'll not have too much time and energy to be very active in the future either, but I'll try to read and answer all of your wonderful messages. I can't tell how quickly I'm able to do this, but I will try my best! After a really exhausting and intense week, I'm definitely back. And I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the compassionate, thoughtful messages. Their, and your, incredible meaning is really difficult for me to put into words, so THANK YOU!

I miss you both so incredible much and I hope all is well with you.

#personal #Erika ♡#Sue ♡#I'm back!#(kinda)

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interstellauren · 4 years ago

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heavy vent, tw death //

if you know me, please don’t judge me for this post i’m just in a dark place right now. please don’t dm me and tell me you’re worried about me because that’ll just make my anxiety worse. you can talk to me, just don’t do that. i just need to get these thoughts out

also please feel free to unfollow me if me throwing these posts out in the middle of your reblogging bothers you, this is just the healthiest way i can cope at 1AM

REALLY?? I JUST WROTE A FULL VENT POST AND IT DELETED BECAUSE OF THE STUPID READMORE GLITCH I CANT TAKE IT SO AT THIS POINT I’M JUST SAYING MY FEELINGS IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE INSTEAD OF REWRITING IT IN FULL DETAIL, ITS EASIER TO EXPRESS HOW MUCH PAIN I’M IN RN LIKE THIS

I’M NOT OKAY RIGHT NOW. I JUST HAD THE WORST SEVERE ANXIETY ATTACK BECAUSE MY SISTER COULDN’T BREATHE AND REFUSED TO ACCEPT ANY MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION TO THE HOSPITAL. EVERYONE IN MY LIFE IS EITHER GOING TO DIE OR LEAVE ME AND I CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I AM TRULY CONVINCED I’LL EITHER HAVE TO SEE ANOTHER OPEN CASKET OF SOMEONE I LOVE OR IM JUST GOING TO BE ABANDONED BECAUSE THATS WHAT I DESERVE. I AM SO SICK OF LIVING LIKE THIS. THE ANXIETY IS NEVER GOING TO STOP. THE INSECURITIES ABOUT MY LOOKS ARE NEVER GOING TO STOP. ITS GOING TO COST ME OVER $5000 JUST TO STOP ME FROM CRYING IN THE MIRROR BECAUSE I HATE MY TEETH. THE OVERSTIMULATION IS NEVER GOING TO STOP. THE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES I HAVE AS A RESULT OF TRAUMA IS NEVER GOING TO STOP. ON TOP OF EVERYTHING I’M ALMOST POSITIVE I MIGHT BE ON THE SPECTRUM SO THATS JUST ANOTHER PROBLEM I NEED TO WORK OUT. I CAN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING ABOUT ANY OF THIS BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO KMS OR SELF HARM SO I JUST HAVE TO SUFFER SILENTLY BECAUSE THE PEOPLE I WANT TO HAVE CARE ABOUT ME NEVER WILL. THE WORST PART IS THAT I HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE, EVEN IRL WHO JUST WITNESS ME GO THROUGH THIS ALL THE FREAKING TIME AND ITS SO HUMILIATING. PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SEE THIS AND JUST ASSUME I’M A LOST CAUSE WHO WENT OFF THE DEEP END BUT STILL HAVE ME IN THEIR LIFE. WHY DOES MY LIFE HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP BEING HURT?? WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP EXPERIENCING SO MUCH TRAUMA?? AND WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT ALL ALONE?? ITS NOT FAIR. I WAS DOING SO WELL. I REALLY THOUGHT 2021 WAS GOING TO BE BETTER BUT ITS JUST THE SAME PAIN IN A DIFFERENT FONT. IT NEVER ENDS

#vent #heavy vent

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gayregis · 5 years ago

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ok also. i don't think geralt's into pet names BUT he's really just like. thoroughly physically affectionate. like he's not good with words but he knows very well just how and where his bf wants to be kissed and touched and what makes him feel good and what makes him feel appreciated both in terms of sex and in just in general and in turn jaskier is very vocal abt how good geralt makes him feel or abt how much he really appreciates him and his company and how he loves him bc They Know Each Other

in a little sacrifice when geralt begins tripping over his words around dandelion and essi... he was shortcircuiting from the pressure of having to speak in front of two poets. ... the thing is that geralt has the capability to be incredibly eloquent, but it’s only when he’s not thinking about it, and also usually when it’s about something he scorns, or a hateful situation (the nature of humanity, impending doom, the dangers and woes that ciri is facing...) ... when he has to speak about good things and love, he kind of becomes reduced to “you make me feel good in my heart :)”

i know that this isn’t the ship on the table right now, but, i mean, it took geralt four books and like what, 10 years, to tell yennefer he loved her... i feel like with dandelion, there was less, ahem, drama in their relationship (they don’t really on again/off again, it’s more of a mutual everlasting thing) so it could have gotten to that point sooner between them, but it also has to be considered when exactly it turns romantic or geralt Realizes that he’s not only capable of love but legitimately loves dandelion ... not just in a friend way...

(personally i understand the appeal of a ship that has love at first sight, but i really like the “love at second sight” dynamic in which they realize they’re important to each other right off the bat but only really realize their feelings later... also i think falling in love / realizing that you have fallen in love with your best friend is a common gay/bi experience...)

so i like to put the estimate of when geralt Realizes actually exactly at the point where dudu changes into dandelion in eternal flame. because at that moment geralt realizes that all he wanted to do when faced with dandelion is hold him, talk with him, be with him somewhere quiet, peaceful, and safe... that he loves him, even if he is wearing that stupid gaudy blue kaftan... that all he ever feels towards dandelion is this desire to be with him, spend time with him, protect him from anything that may come their way... dudu and geralt in this moment both were expecting geralt to raise his sword, geralt was already reluctant and never wants to harm innocents, but after dudu shifted form into dandelion, any kind of drive he possibly could have had for unsheathing his blade in an act of violence just got knocked out of him, blew away like the wind. (also worth noting that right before dudu shifted into dandelion’s form, he was in geralt’s form, and that only made geralt actually more OK with using violence than he was with dudu in any other form... geralt’s self-loathing knows. only a few bounds.)

the reason why i bring it back to this time geralt realizes he’s in love is because of that moment where all he wants is to just sheathe his sword, rush forward, and hold dandelion in his arms... feeling horror at the fact that his sword is glistening in his hand. he doesn’t know what to say, actually, in this moment. the dialogue becomes a monologue as dudu continues speaking in dandelion’s voice and form, and where geralt is supposed to repond, it just says: “geralt nodded reluctantly.” “the witcher said nothing.” “the witcher said nothing.” i interpret this scene as him basically being paralyzed with feelings, especially after a shard of ice where he and istredd went toe-to-toe and was told he can’t experience love because it’s a biological impossibility. he’s still thinking about this question throughout eternal flame, and it comes to a head in this scene, because what else, other than love, stayed his blade, paralyzed him?

geralt’s situation relating to his feelings and love are intensely complex. it’s not the simple “oh i have feelings for you but i’m too abashed to say them uwu,” but rather “i was born to be emotionless so i could fill a societal role and specific caste laid out for me but your presence in my life has changed everything and now i think i might be able to feel love, and i feel love for you” ... so yeah he has difficulty verbalizing all of that. especially when he hasn’t had a traditional upbringing with the presence of fairy tales and stories of love told to him since childhood, he’s missed out on a lot of “normal” societal things like this so he does not have a framework to understand his feelings through! no one told geralt that when you want to spend night and day with someone, sleep in the same bed, talk to them endlessly, and you feel like you can be completely honest and truly yourself and seen for who you really are around somebody... that’s love!

before dandelion’s presence in geralt’s life, the idea of pleasant touch was really foreign to geralt. from contracts, he felt claws and teeth and maybe the sewing of a wound afterwards. from other contact with other humans, he felt nothing except the ocassional contemptous spitting or throwing of stones (legit what it says in the last wish). the witchers in KM seem to go for that masc shit (he and eskel hug for an imperceptable moment, blink and you’ll miss it) and i can imagine witchers roughhouse for fun and stuff like that, but in the outside world, with no one who could ever understand who he is, what he is, what role he was meant to play... it’s a very isolating life.

i’m stealing an entire paragraph from this other post i wrote a while ago: “tbh there was probably an entire first week of their friendship where geralt flinched or became immediately alert when dandelion got close to him to speak, touch his arm in jest or gentle motion, or grabbed onto his hand, forearm, or sleeve in anxiety, because geralt just…. wasn’t used to anyone touching him, even in a passing or platonic manner.” geralt wasn’t used to kind touch, but he has highly trained mind-body coordination. i think in one part of tower of the swallow in a chapter prelude, witchers are called a “caste of warrior-priests” which just makes me think of the monk class in D&D... which can be a good analogy. geralt is NOT just a sellsword. his profession goes entirely much deeper, it’s literally what he was genetically altered to perform. this is why he has such a difficult time separating himself from his work, because it almost cannot be done. witchers do undergo extensive training, and especially individuals like geralt who are focused on ethics and morality take time to reconcile the physical and mental effects on their body. it’s not really just “guy with sword feels things physically bc that’s just how he’s wired,” but geralt has really tuned his soul and body together as a result of both his profession and coping with being forced into his profession.

so i think when dandelion introduces this concept of good touch to him in addition to the idea that he can be loved / deserves companionship, it’s natural for geralt as he becomes more in-tune with his emotions to feel them more physically. i ask whomstever is reading to take their mind out of the gutter bc this part at least is a nonsexual context, because they can put it straight back into the gutter later, since this post does involve dandelion.geralt’s emotions are practically on the same level of chronic pain as his shattered leg later on in the series. you know when you feel despair and grief in your chest, the tingling sensation of love in your arms and shoulders, the bristling anger on the back of your neck... it’s along those lines.

so when he’s feeling emotions very heavily, and can’t begin to craft the statement beginning with, “so, i’m not supposed to feel emotions, but...” he just acts with his body. this can actually be seen in all the times he saves dandelion, saves yennefer (debatable b/c she’s pretty badass; it’s more like he helped her), and when he just runs to ciri without even needing to say anything in something more.

in his worst times, geralt’s a man of philosophy and surmising and indecisiveness... like in baptism of fire, regis says that the cardinal directions have no meaning to him, as long as he is going somewhere... he paces around, and also like in baptism of fire, the song about the ornery wolf... look how the wolf dances in the holt / teeth bared, tail waving, leaping like a colt (...) look how the wolf is dragging his paws / head drooping, tail hanging, clenching his jaws (...)” ... but in his best times, he’s a man of action. he acts when it’s most important.

ok time to put your head back into the gutter now! i’ll put the nsfw stuff under a cut to save all of your eyes

this part can be treated like an add-on to the post. wow, all this writing just to say geralt doesn’t suck at sex... ok.

well in terms of geralt x dandelion i think that after their first time together, dandelion accuses him of lying about how many people he’s fucked, because ‘it can’t possibly be that small of a number’ because geralt wasn’t awkward. he was very emotional as to be expected, but also we know he doesn’t tend to show emotions on his face, so the intense rippling feeling of love & desire he feels when dandelion pushes his hair back behind his ear flew under the radar. which is good in geralt’s perspective, because he strongly feels that it would be embarassing if dandelion knew how much he’s affected by him. honestly similarly, dandelion who’s not embarassed by much is at first apprehensive to think about his and geralt’s relationship, because usually he can just leave whenever he feels like it... but with geralt, it became different, geralt was no fling, and realizing this very early on in their relationship was alarming until dandelion did what he usually does and just drops it and remains happy.

honestly you could make the argument (not outright STATING it... i’m not being h*rny on sideblog...) but you could argue, that geralt and dandelion have bomb ass sex because both of them are canonically good in bed, weirdly enough. geralt is pretty giving and loving in his sex scenes, even when it’s not even romantic and rather a crazed passion, like with fringilla. it’s canon that he’s a proponent of oral sex b/c he defends the concept in discussion with regis and also gives it canonically, so idk what to really say here except geralt’s a real one and sapkowski had a vision i guess for his main character.

another important thing mentioned in geralt’s sex scenes is that he’s pretty intuitive with pacing. in the last wish, he and yennefer take their time and have quite a soft and loving experience, and in lady of the lake, he and fringilla experience this more sort of intense scenario. but i think these differences are meant to speak to the differences in love and relationships between the pairings... while geralt and yennefer experience an all-consuming love of mind and body, geralt and fringilla had more of a ... bad decision. this makes us have to headcanon for what the pairing of geralt and dandelion would be like, i’m inclined to say it would be a lot like geralt and yennefer because the thing about geralt and yennefer is that they find intimacy in each other that they’ve yearned for their entire lives, and geralt and dandelion have a lot of that similar energy of finding something in another that you’ve always longed for.

especially towards the beginning of their relationship, i feel like just their abilities to be vulnerable are what drives them. of course, having emotional sex is a fireworks-type event for geralt, while for dandelion it’s more just like, 3 PM on a tuesday afternoon, so that affects their dynamic a lot, again especially in the beginning of their relationship before geralt met yennefer and villentretenmerth, because geralt really was just not sure of himself. dandelion’s very sure of himself so he kind of doesn’t realize that it’s the beginning of an Emotional Journey for geralt and not just something casual like eating brunch together. geralt becomes more confident over time though and that’s good but he still gets just regular pangs of gay love that stops your heart momentarily, from being ... in love...

as for actual dynamic during i think it would be funny and good to keep them both in-character and interacting as they normally do. cue humorous arguments with no vitriol or consequence: “stop moaning in musical scales, it’s ruining my concentration” “no— fa so!”

#ask #gerlion #homoseksualizmy

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hobiwonder · 5 years ago

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Commissions

Hi everyone!!

As you can tell by the title, I’m going to be opening commissions. As my part-time job starts up in January, I have decided to try making writing my casual job to earn some savings before I run out completely. It’s quite expensive in Australia especially to be a student without a job lol. I am actively applying for summer jobs but it’s a fat chance i’ll get hired this late for christmas casuals !!! (kms). I had been thinking about getting a ko-fi page but never felt my writing to be good enough lol BUT desperate times call for desperate measures hhhhhh.

So if you enjoy my writing, I’ll be writing personalised little stories for a ko-fi each. Doesn’t matter how many you want to give (one is $3).

The drabbles will be between 1000 to 2000 words.

Send me an ask choosing your prompt from the prompt list below. You can choose as many as you like and i will try my best to incorporate them all if they fit in one story.

Basically let me know in an ask: Prompt, Your name (if you want), any triggers I should avoid, physical appearance details in case I need them, age. Birth year is fine. AND THE MEMBER OFC LMAO

If you don’t like a prompt, you can also just give me a genre and i can surprise you :) (college au, barista au, etc.)

Write a nickname or a name in your ko-fi note so I can identify you and get started writing on your prompt. https://ko-fi.com/hobiwonder

Prompt list:

“That’s not yours.”

“Rot in hell.”

“Take off your shirt.”

“Ugh, you’re sweaty- get off.”

“Can we just pretend like we’re normal for once?”

“I dare you!”

“A kiss for good luck?”

“Just this once.”

“There’s something I have to tell you…”

“You’re making me think that what they told me about you was right.”

“Don’t get up, you’ll make it worse.”

“Cute, but still fucked up.”

“I’m not drunk enough for this.”

“Be careful.”

“You owe me.”

“You never mattered to me.”

“Please don’t let me be alone.”

“How did you talk me into this?”

“That’s not good…”

“Don’t try to fix me. I’m not broken.”

“You’re cold.”

“Be you. No one else can.”

“You’re a horrible liar. I’ve known you far too long to be able to tell.”

“Don’t think I forgot about what you did last time.”

“I’m scared.”

“When was the last time you slept?”

“I’ll never forgive you.”

“Quit ignoring me.”

“You have my word.”

“Kiss me and i’ll forgive you.”

“I never wanted to hurt you.”

“There’s nothing I can do anymore.”

“Even when you’re annoying the fuck out of me, I still love you.”

“I’m just looking out for you.”

“I told you not to fall in love with me.”

“Why are you so stubborn?”

“It was supposed to be a secret!”

“You’re my everything.”

“You need to keep pressure on it.”

“It’s never too late to get back up again.”

“I can’t breathe.”

“Stop talking.”

“This isn’t like you.”

“This isn’t who I am.”

“Would you just hold still?”

“If I die, I’m never speaking to you again.”

“I don’t know who you are anymore.”

“Come with me.”

“My clothes look good on you.”

“I will always protect you.”

“Wake up, please.”

“Please look at me.”

“When I’m with you, I’m home.”

“I never meant to hurt you.”

“Eyes on me.”

“Please shut up. Just shut up.”

“I’m tired, just cuddle me.”

“This is new.”

“I’m not okay.”

“Is that blood?”

“Run!”

“I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”

“That’s a lot of blood…”

“I immediately regret this decision.”

“You’re hurt, let me help.”

“That doesn’t look good…”

“Is that my shirt?”

“How did we get in this mess?”

“Move over.”

“What if one day I wake up and you’re not there?”

“You know me better than anyone.”

“You backstabber!”

“What happened to you?”

“stop moving, i’m almost done!”

“Are you testing me?”

“Please don’t shut me out.”

“You make me forget.”

“Just leave me alone.”

“I’m not moving, your lap is comfortable.”

“Just this once.”

“I made a mistake.”

“I SAW you with him/her/them!”

“None of this is your fault.”

“It’s so hot out!”

“Just breath.”

“We have to help!”

“I just really miss talking to you.”

“This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“I trust you.”

“Are you serious?”

“I’d like to see you try.”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Look at me.”

“I can’t sleep.”

“Can you stop thinking about yourself for once?”

“They’re gone.”

“It just… hurts.”

“I think we’re lost.”

“You deserve so much better.”

“I knew this was a bad idea.”

“I’m lost without you.”

“This is going to hurt.”

“I feel stupid.”

“I know you’re not talking to me…”

“What’s in it for me?”

“You’re everything to me.”

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“I didn’t want you to see this.”

“You’re safe now.”

“Are you going to talk to me?”

“You know me too well.”

“[text read thirty minutes ago]”

“I never want to see you again.”

“I know you lied to me.”

“Do you promise?”

“You know i’m not like that.”

“Am I dead?”

“It’s not what it looks like.”

“Do you ever mean the things you say?”

“I can take care of myself just fine.”

“You got this.”

“What are you hiding?”

“There is nothing wrong with you.”

“You’re sick.”

“I don’t know anyone else who can make me feel this way.”

“There is only one bed.”

“I can’t see anything.”

“How dare you?!”

“I’m sorry I scared you, I didn’t mean to.”

“I’m not even sorry.”

“can we just stay in bed?”

“That was kind of hot.”

“But I thought you liked this?”

“You… you never had a problem with it before.”

“I know it hurts.”

“What did you say?”

“How long will this go on for?”

“I’m just tired.”

“What have you’ve done?”

“Go back to sleep.”

More Prompts...:

Angst

“All I wanted was a happy ending.”

“Mistakes are easily made in the moment. Apologies are not.”

“I don’t want to feel this way anymore.”

“My emotions have been turbulent for so long, I’m not sure how to react.”

“My heart tells me to kiss you, my head tells me to walk away.”

“I don’t want material belongings! I want my heart back!”

“Until you can return the time I wasted on you, I don’t want anything to do with you.”

“Grief is natural they say. So is death. I don’t want either.”

“You can’t look pretty and dangerous at the same time. Not yet.”

“Kill everything dear to you and then you will know how it feels.”

“I don’t hold people close. It makes it easier for them to hurt you.”

“Don’t touch me. Your skin is poison.”

“Why won’t he/she/they call?”

“I’m dreading her/his/their call, I’m not ready.”

“I don’t like this, it feels weird.”

“Kill my feelings, kill my soul. Kill everything I am.”

“Don’t call me, I don’t want any contact with you.”

“Please don’t talk to me, I’m dealing with some stuff.”

“It’s not working out. We’re not working out.”

“Hey, I’m leaving for good. I’ll…see you around.”

Fluff

“I want to eat a yoghurt with you.”

“Can we make cake? I like cake.”

“I like your rainbow shoes.”

Please hold me. It’s been a day.”

“I’ve never felt such love.”

“The moon is high tonight, it frames you well.”

“I want to dance through an army of fireflies with you.”

“Stars pale in comparison to you.”

“My heart hurts when I see you and I find myself drunk on the pain.”

“I would give up everything for the chance to see your laugh again.”

“Monster Inc. was onto something, your smile and laughter runs my entire world.”

“I dedicated this nail to you, when I painted them.”

“All I want is to sleep by your side.”

“Cover me in badges of your love.”

“I’ve never enjoyed anything more than a hug from you.”

“You look yummy.”

“My hand was made to fit into yours. That’s all there is to it.”

“I didn’t get soaked wet through walking to your house for you to say no to pizza. I have beer too. I know you’re sad, so let me in.”

“This might sound so creepy but I want your skin. It’s so pretty.”

“You just dropped love into my heart and that’s all I needed.”

Soulmates

“It was a matter of time before we got together.”

“My soul sings when it feels you.”

“Please, please hold my hand, and make me whole.”

“My life missed yours forever.”

“If my soul had been cut in half at birth, it would have gone to you.”

“We’re two bodies with one soul only.”

“I couldn’t imagine my future without you now that I have you.”

“I feel like I’ve died now he’s/she’s/they’re gone.”

“Please take my soul and never let go.”

“I’ve never seen colour like I do with you.”

“All my soul yearns for is your presence.”

“We can’t win. Either I have you and my soul sings but your cries, or we’re apart and your soul rejoices but mine dies.”

“Time is what we don’t have, but you are what I need.”

“I didn’t think I could find someone as perfectly matched as you.”

“Please treat me with kid gloves, my soul can’t take much more.”

“Soulmates don’t have to be romantic. Sometimes your soul resonates with a friend.”

“This existence would mean little without you.”

“Why try to force it? If we’re truly soulmates, it’ll happen.”

“Please keep me close until the close of the final day.”

“Everything about you is amazing to me.”

Friendship Specifically

“Wow, that is a ridiculously bug watermelon. I love it.”

“Let’s drink wine and trash talk our co-workers.”

“What do you mean you’re sick?! You’re my partner in crime!”

Best friends are a rare breed and you are the best of best friends.”

“Everyone’s out on dates, want to each ice cream and binge watch (insert TV show/movie).”

“I’m here for you. I got your back.”

“Thank God for the internet. I don’t know how I’d live without you.”

“I’m the pun-master, you’ll miss me when I’m gone.”

“No one understands the effort of a long distant friendship.”

“They don’t approve of our friendship, but I don’t need them too.”

“In the end we migrate towards comfort. I am my most comfortable around you.”

“Why date when you can spend the night with me watching shitty TV and drinking.”

“Never underestimate friendship.”

“If you quote Yu-Gi-Oh’s power of friendship one more time I will kill you.”

“Even if we don’t talk for days, I’ll always be your best friend.”

“You can take as many breaks as you need.”

“Friendships can be difficult, but those that survive are magical ones.”

“You know I will be with you forever. Friends until the end.”

If they try to keep us apart, they’re idiots.”

“There’s nothing like a boys/girls/friends night.”

I would really appreciate anyone helping out. My writing definitely isn’t the best but i hope whatever I write for any of you; you will enjoy and feel it will be worth it. Even if you’re not interested, a reblog would be much appreciated!!

Thank you :)

Maria <3

#bts fanfction #bts x reader #comisionwork #hobiwonder

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oohfluffy · 6 years ago

Text

Tie | KMS

Group: EXO

Member: Kim Minseok

Theme: Fluff | Angst | Rated M

Word Count: 4,158

You were getting behind in some of your classes because of a certain professor.

(Warning: Mature content ahead)

"I—"

"Don't even try making up excuses for the hundredth time, (y/n)! You're not just at the edge of failing your Science and Technology class but also your Mathematics! Those are major subjects and yet you choose to laze around?"

Her glasses were pointed at both ends, giving a bitch vibe from her. Her eyes were intimidating, like piercing through your skull with just a glance. Her formal and perfect posture when she just stand there or sit. Her words that were always direct and full of criticism, not even considering how will the other might feel.

She's the dean in the university you're currently studying at.

"I'm not lazying around. I was just caught up with something—"

"Something?" She scoffed, her eyebrows raising sarcastically. "Or someone?"

"Mom, I swear I'll get back in the game ten times better than the last semester." You bit your lower lip, eyes determined to stare into hers until she gets convinced.

Yes, unfortunately, the person sitting behind the desk in the dean's office is your mother.

She stared at you for a long while that you almost felt your eyes closing if not for the creak her swivel chair made as she stood up, making you widen your eyes. You stood up straight, your hands behind you. She stopped two feet away from you, causing you to almost back away as her gaze didn't falter.

Even if she was your mother, the intimidation that the other students feel whenever she's near doesn't give you an exception. Somehow, that just sounds so sad.

"I know you will, honey." Her soft voice slightly surprised you. Her hand reached out to your cheek, patting it lightly as she gave a small smile. "I'm sorry if I shouted at you. I'm just worried."

You shook your head as you said, "That's fine. I understand, mom."

"Okay." She closed the gap between the two of you and took you in her arms. "If you're having a hard time, even though your mom is struggling as well, you can ask for anything, okay? I'm always here."

You hugged her back, cherishing her warmth and this rare time that she comforts you. She was truly a busy woman, not even completing her three meals a day because of work. Maybe that's why you got so distant to her.

Ever since your father left you, separating with your mother even though he was the only one who wanted it. Your mother was just too kind-hearted and loved him too much to hold onto him tighter.

How can you try to make someone stay when he doesn't want to?

That's why, she'd decided to let him go.

"Go." Your mother pulled back, her stoic face coming into your view. "Classes will start in a few. Do your best." She turned around and went back to her desk.

You smiled, "I love you, mom."

Despite her straight face, her eyes lit up and her lips curled up into a sweet smile.

"I love you too, sweetie."

—

"Mm." Your English professor, Mr. Kim Minseok, hummed as his eyes traveled around the room, searching for someone to question.

Luckily, you were the only one who was diligently scribbling on your notebook. And that easily caught you professor's attention, the sides of his lips lifting up in a smirk. The rest of the class was just looking at him, may it be admiring his godly features or in fear of being called if they don't look at him when he does at them.

"(Y/n)."

At the mention of your name, your pen almost got out of your grasp, your hand unclasping in surprise. Your eyes drifted at the person's crotch in front of you, you felt your throat dry. You quickly looked up at him and almost cursed when you saw the mischievous glint in his eyes.

"Y-Yes, Mr. Kim?" You slowly stood up as you felt numerous eyes following your movement. Your professor stood just in front of your table, letting you see him up close that other women would die for.

"Please read the next paragraph." He nodded his head towards the opened book at your table. You quickly made a move and took your English book on top of your table.

"Uhm." You cleared your throat as you felt his burning gaze on you. You read the paragraph with your eyes first before opening your mouth—

"Ah, I just had an excellent idea." You bet it was the opposite. "Let's read the English dialogue of the Forbidden Lovers written by David Brett, shall we, Ms. (Y/n)?"

You knew he was challenging you as usual. And you knew you were going to be up for it whatever happens.

That's what he does to you.

"Understood." You nodded, earning a triumphant grin from him.

"My love, run away with me."

His perfect English accent almost made you swoon but you furrowed your eyebrows in concentration and spoke, not noticing how your professor gnaw his lower lip as you did. The audience, which is your classmates, watched with their eyes more focused on him than you.

"I'm afraid I cannot do so, my dearest. I'm eternally tied within this castle."

Your professor's eyes didn't leave your face, making your cheeks hot as you felt them. He probably knew the dialogue by heart since he wasn't even glancing at his own book while he spoke.

"I will take you away whatever happens. Remember that we're the only ones who are eternally tied to each other, my love."

You took the little courage you have and glanced at him. His cat-like eyes lit up as he met yours, his pinkish lips twitching when you replied.

"I'll be glad to be taken away by you, Mi—Pablo."

You coughed as you looked down, cheeks burning as you mentally face-palmed yourself for making an adorable mistake. He is truly a distraction for everything. You saw your professor hide his mouth with his fist, grinning as he nodded in approval. You lightly scoffed but a smile made its way on your lips.

"Thank you, Ms. (Y/n)." He said as he walked back to his desk, the bell exactly ringing for dismissal. His hands clasping together as he smiled at the class. "Well, that was an interesting one. Let's continue our discussion about English literature on our next meeting. You may all go."

Murmurs filled the room as everyone got their things before getting out of the room. Some even stopped by Mr. Kim's desk and chatted for a bit, some asking questions about the lesson, and some, well, tried flirting with him but to no avail. He just kindly made them go home in an instant.

You purposely slowed down your movements as you watched the entire class disperse from the room. When the last boy, Chen, who joked around with your professor for a bit finally went out, Minseok stood up and closed the door.

You quickly stood up and ran to him. He turned around just in time, his arms already spread out as if he knew what was coming.

"I knew you missed me." He chuckled as he wrapped his arms around you, inhaling your sweet strawberry scent that he loves. You snuggled closer and squeezed his waist tenderly. "You almost said my name earlier. What a bad girl."

"Shut up, Mr. Kim." You mumbled as you closed your eyes, lips brushing against his bare collarbone. He hummed as he felt your breath against his neck, hands threading through your dark brown silky hair.

"You okay?" Minseok asked, his chin placed on top of your head, body slightly swaying with your own.

"Why are you asking?"

"You are working extra hard earlier and you weren't looking at me. That's why I called you."

"Is that a bad thing?"

You slightly pulled away and looked at him. His eyes were covered with his hazel colored contact lenses, making them even more beautiful like a cat's as he blinked. His lips naturally pinkish as if wanting to be kissed—

So you did.

Minseok's hold against you tightened as your arms snaked their ways around his neck. His lips were moving in-sync with yours, tongues dancing with an unheard rhythm. His hands sliding down from your waist to your ass, gently kneading the covered flesh. You moaned at the sensual contact, making Minseok groan back, aroused by the cute little sounds you make.

"Baby, something's wrong." He mumbled as his kisses went to your cheek, making you sigh in glee but at the same, in worry. "Tell me."

"It's nothing for you to—"

"Here we go again." Minseok grumbled as he bit on your ear, taking the tip of it in between his teeth.

"I'm serious, Minseok. This is nothing but my own issue to worry about."

"But whatever you worry about, makes me worry too."

"That's why you don't have to know about it." You almost squealed as he suddenly lifted you up, legs wrapped around his waist. He walked towards his desk and placed you on top of it. His eyes mesmerizing yours as usual.

"Dummy, not knowing what's going on your mind will make me worry about you more." He chuckled, poking your waist with his index finger. You slightly pouted at him, earning a peck on the lips from him. "It's your mother again, am I right?"

"You always are, baby." You muttered as your fingers found his black necktie, playing with it with your upper teeth grazing your lower lip. "I love this tie."

"Stop moving away from the topic at hand, Ms. (Y/n)." Minseok growled, his fingers gripping onto your hips tighter. You flinched as you felt the pressure his fingers produced. You wanted to close your legs together but he placed himself in between them, hips almost pushing against each other as his rock-hard member pressed against your core.

"I-I'm not moving away—" You unconsciously moaned as he slightly ground his hips against yours. "M-Minseok."

"Mmm?" His eyes were closed as he continued his deadly ministrations, lips grazing on the part of your shoulder where it meets your neck. "We won't go home unless you tell me, baby."

"Argh! Fine." You rolled your eyes as he smiled against your skin. "I just feel guilty about nearly failing two of my major subjects and making mom stress over it. I feel like I haven't given my 100% and—"

"—I don't deserve mom's hardwork." Minseok continued, his hand caressing your hair tenderly as he looked at you. You looked away, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden. "That's it?"

"Yeah." You mumbled as you quickly hid your face on his neck, erasing the sexual tension building up earlier. "Am I being stupid?"

"No, no. You're not, baby." He chuckled, hands cradling your head as he made you look at him. "It's good to know that you're concerned about your mother's thoughts and feelings. Just don't push yourself too hard, okay? I don't want my baby being restless all the time. I'll help you."

You smiled as he combed your hair with his slender fingers.

"Can I stay at yours tonight?"

"My home is yours as well, baby."

—

No.

"Mom, let me expl—"

"No!" Her voice was uneven but the rage was so apparent that you can't help but to cower down on your seat. "I've let you off the hook with the failing grades because I know you can fix it but this—" Your mother tightly closed her eyes, her lips zipped as if refraining herself to say more. "I can't accept this."

Your eyes welled up as you held the envelope in your shaking hands.

"I assume he is the reason you're failing too?" Your mother said as she leaned her back on her chair. "That's not even the worst case! He is a well-known professor in this university for goodness' sake, (y/n)! What will you do if this breaks out?!"

You sobbed as you gripped on the envelope containing horrible photographs by an unknown person.

She wasn't supposed to know.

Well, not until you've graduated.

Everything happened too quick earlier that you just found yourself getting slapped by your mother after she called you out from your English class. Minseok even had his worried face on when he nodded as you went out and followed your mother's secretary. You thought your mother will just nag you about your grades or behavior again.

You didn't know that it will be different this time.

"You even spent nights in his house?"

You couldn't even look at your mother right now.

You love Minseok and you know he feels the same towards you. You wouldn't dare doubt his feelings when you've been together through rough times. He would cuddle with you in his spare time, sometimes play video games with you, help you study the subjects you struggle in, but most of the time, he never forgets to give you the attention and love you desire for.

"You're such a disgrace."

The words were like arrows piercing through your muscles and internal organs and getting cut in pieces, making them harder to get as they're buried deep inside of you. The words were like a slap that will certainly make a mark, a remembrance of your mother's disappointment.

It hurts.

"I-I'm sorry—"

"You should be!" She shrieked as she leaned her head on her palm, hiding her own tear-stained cheeks. "What did I lack in raising you, (y/n)?"

You shook your head as you kept your eyes casted down. You can hear her ragged breathing as she silently cried. You can feel the pain she's feeling because it was probably twice as yours.

She is your mother after all.

She deserves to have a better daughter. A daughter who will follow her footsteps. A daughter who will bring pride in her heart. A daughter who will proudly show her achievements to her. A daughter who will put studies first before love.

A daughter who is not you.

"End your ties with him."

Your head shot up as you heard your mother speak after a long while. Your eyes widened as you felt your heart beating faster. You shook your head as you bit your lip.

You cannot let him go.

"N-No, mom. I don't want to—"

"No?!" She stood up as she glared at you, her eyes red from her tears but they're still wild in anger. "After all the sacrifices I've made for you, just for a man, you'll reject me? What did Mr. Kim do to you, (y/n)?!"

"I love him, mom! You, out of all people, knows what I feel!" You cried as you crumpled the envelope. "I haven't felt so loved and cared for until he appeared in my class two years ago. You were always out, barely at home, and couldn't even last 2 minutes in a phone call. Minseok was there when I cried, lonely and abandoned by my own mother. He silently approached me, patting my head as he sat beside me and waited until I stopped crying. He didn't even ask what was my problem and just lend me his handkerchief. He didn't treat me any different when we were in class. He did not only became a professor to me, mom." You sobbed as you struggled breathing.

"He became my friend, guardian and lover."

Silence surrounded the office, only your sobs were the background music to the painful scenario unfolding.

You'll fight for him.

You'll fight for Minseok whatever happens.

Because that's one of the things you're mother had not done before.

—

Caged in the plain colored four walls, windows covered with thick curtains, cold atmosphere as winter enters.

Christmas break has started.

You haven't contacted Minseok for a while, not knowing how to explain what happened. You wanted to cry as you snuggle in his arms. You wanted to tell him everything you felt. You wanted to let him know you won't give him up.

But you were hesitant to do anything with your mother around. You know how bad she can be. She can just inform the whole university about this professor flirting around with a student and get that man kicked out. You're afraid about what can she do once you step out of this room.

She stayed for dinner, which is unusual, because she was always out in meetings before. She sometimes stay for lunch too but then you two made no progress. You haven't talked to her as well. You feel like she's still mad and you don't want to fuel her fire more.

You were just staring at the ceiling, back laid on the bed, when your phone rang. His sweet voice filling the dark room as he sang.

"You are my baby, baby, baby~ Come on, answer your daddy's call!'

Your lips automatically curled up into a smile as you remember the day Minseok recorded it, saying it will be better if you hear his voice even before you can answer his call. Of course, who were you to decline. How can you dare decline him?

You reached towards you bedside table and grabbed your phone. If his voice was the one to fill your ears, his handsome face was the one who welcomes your sight. You chuckled as you stared at his face for awhile, your thumb resting on the screen. Before he got impatient, you swiped the screen, answering his call.

"Fuck, I miss you, baby."

Your eyes closed as you hear the relief and longing in his voice.

"Baby, why haven't you called me? It has been days since we last saw and talked to each other. It was even in school when you got called by your mother. What happened? Are you okay?"

He was obviously worried out of his wits but you're just here lying around and thinking about everything alone.

"I-I'm sorry, Minseok. I just needed time to be alone—"

"You could have told me or texted me." He sighed. "I was going crazy thinking about you."

"I miss you too." You mumbled as you imagined him beside you, keeping you warm. You craved for his touch and warmth. He fell silent for a moment that you thought you accidentally hit the end call.

"I'll be on my way, okay?"

You nodded as if he can see you.

"Okay—"

Wait, what?

"I'll see you in a bit, baby. Wait for me."

"Wait, you can't—" You words faltered as he hung up on you. "—mom's home."

You quickly typed a message, telling him to not to come because—

"Shit." You cursed as the screen turned black, the red low battery bar innocently blinking at you. You opened your drawer and searched for your charger. You almost threw everything out of it, not finding the cord. You panicked as you heard a knock on your door.

You jumped out of the bed and ran to the door. You opened it and was surprised to see your mother.

"Let's talk, sweetie."

Your eyes couldn't rest in one place as you sat in front of your mother in the dining area. She's currently making you hot chocolate, making it the first time again since it was almost a decade ago when she last acted like a mother at home.

"Should I make you a bacon sandwich?" She asked. As much as you wanted to say yes, you have a more important matter at hand.

"Mom."

She gently placed your cup of hot chocolate in front of you before sitting down, her fingers around her own cup of coffee. She took a sip before speaking.

"I'm sorry."

You would've believed that you heard it wrong but she repeated it over and over again.

"I'm sorry, honey. Mom totally understands what you feel."

With those simple words, you couldn't help but to cry again as if you have never did before. Your eyes closing as tears flowed down your cheeks. Your mother stood up and went over to gather you in her embrace.

Her warmth.

Her care.

Her love.

You felt it all at the same time.

"Let me meet him, okay?"

You nodded, and as if on cue, the doorbell rang.

"He's here." She said, her smile surprising you as well as her reaction. She pulled away and ruffled your hair before walking to the front door.

"Wait, how did you—"

"I approve, my child."

When the door opened, there he was.

"(Y/n)." His gaze instantly fell on you, his eyes softening and filled with gentleness and relief. When he realized that it was your mother who opened the door, he bowed. "Mrs.—"

"Just call me mom already. I know this daughter of mine will marry you in months." You blushed at your mother's words. Despite the confusion, you feel beyond happy right now.

"Thank you again, mom. I appreciate your sincere acceptance of our relationship. I swear I will follow your rules." Minseok grinned, making your mother nod as she opened the door wider for him to come in.

"Help us prepare lunch then. Your first challenge is to impress me with your cooking skills. This princess here barely knows how to fry an egg, you'll probably be the one to cook when the time comes." Your mother continued blabbering embarrassing facts about you that you can't even do anything or even speak.

"Yes, ma'am."

When your mother started taking out the utensils, you quickly stood up and went to Minseok. You tugged on his hand and made him face you. He smiled as he saw your curious, confused and cute face. He leaned in but before he can land his lips on yours, you covered his mouth. His eyebrows furrowed as you stopped him.

"What rules? Since when did you talk casually with mom? Explain?" You said, glancing at your mother by the counter. Minseok knew you wouldn't leave it alone, so he grabbed your hands and stared into your eyes.

"We had a talk days ago when you suddenly felt like being a loner and caged yourself inside your room." You glared at him, causing him to chuckle. "She confronted me before I can even approach her. I planned on talking to her about us but of course, a slap is a must before we can talk."

"She slapped you as well?" You giggled, not even bothering to wonder if it's even appropriate to laugh about it. Minseok shrugged as he caressed your cheek.

"She told me her dreams for you, your future, which might be ruined by me. She actually said such colorful words like 'you, bastard'. I thought I'll never hear the dean speaking foul words." That made you chuckle as you imagined your mother losing her cool. She was always calm, that's why it's kind of amusing to see her out of it in front of others. "She told me how she loves you so much and she doesn't want me to take you away."

You smiled as your mother got aprons out of the cabinet. She has her beautiful smile that she rarely wear.

"She just loves you too much and she's willing to let you go now."

Just like before.

"I'm glad everything turned out fine." You mumbled as you embraced your lover, sighing as you felt his warmth spreading around you. "I was scared but I knew I wouldn't just let you go even if she told me to."

"You and your mom seem like the opposites." He commented, kissing the top of your head as he pulled away. "She told me her rules though. I was forced to nod my head to whatever she says." He muttered, glancing at the kitchen as if he's afraid to be caught by your mother. You giggled as your mom didn't seem to care about how you two were too close and continued to talk by herself as she took out different ingredients and pans. You hummed, fingers encasing the black tie he's wearing.

"My favorite tie." You whispered as you stared at the simple piece of silk.

"Mm." Minseok eyed your fingers as they caressed his black tie. He swallowed as he felt your nails slightly scraping his chest. "Maybe we can use it later?"

"Use it for what?" You innocently questioned, eyes boring into his. He smirked, pulling you closer by the waist.

"You know—"

"Lovebirds, please restrain yourselves. Mom is here."

You chuckled as you both pulled away from each other, hands still laced together as you walked towards the kitchen.

"I want to learn how to cook too." You cheerfully said.

"I can teach you, baby." Minseok whispered at your side.

"I bet you're not referring to cooking, Min." You rolled your eyes, pushing him away as you laugh. He just shrugged with a grin while he wore the pink apron, making you giggle at his sudden cuteness.

"Let's start cooking then!"

—

#exo #exo fanfics #exo fanfiction #exo x reader #exo x you #xiumin x reader #xiumin x you #exo fluff #exo smut #exo angst #smut #xiumin angst #xiumin fluff #rated m #exo rated m #xiumin rated m #xiumin fanfic #exo imagines #xiumin imagine

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nickireadstfc · 7 years ago

Text

The King’s Men, Chapter 16 – A Team Of Particularly Good Finders

In which I find a new favourite team, Kevin’s angrier half makes an entrance, I find a new favourite team, keys are distributed, faceclaims are suggested, and I find a new favourite team.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The King’s Men.

Saturday morning Wymack stopped by Fox Tower with a guest. (…)

“Thea,” Kevin finally said, and scrambled to his feet. “What are you doing here?”

Oh HECK YES.

I’ve been waiting for this gal ever since she was first mentioned, and my dudes my pals my homies, let me tell you – her presence does not disappoint.

Thea Muldani is big and buff and bench-presses male egos for breakfast, but also wears pastel makeup, braids and dresses like Beyoncé herself gave her fashion advice.

A certified Boss Ass Bitch, you say? Absolutely.

A definite, definite Venus Williams faceclaim, you say?

Alternatively also Serena Williams?

Absolutely.

Like Kevin, Thea also left the Ravens, but she seems to have quite a different relationship to them than he does.

Even though Thea graduated from Edgar Allan almost three years ago she still wore her Raven jersey number on a pendant around her throat.

Interesting.

Neil then wonders how ex-Ravens fare out there in the Real World, and he voices my thoughts precisely: Do they recover? Do they hang on? And if they do, is it because they’re broken, or out of choice?

This is Interesting Shit that I am very, very much intrigued to know more about. Since I’m not sure we’ll have quite enough time to get into this in what’s left of this book, if anyone has any fic recs dealing with this (= post-Raven recovery), hit me the hell up.

However sadly, Thea is not here to answer my deep psychological musings, and is instead very much here to tear Kevin a new one.

Or five.

“I always wanted to talk, but it was complicated.”

“’Complicated’,” Thea echoed. The air quotes she threw him were angry and mocking. “’Complicated’ is having to find out from a press conference that you broke your hand and left the line-up. ‘Complicated’ is finding out the hard way you disconnected your old number and having to hear from Jean that you didn’t want anything to do with any of us effective immediately. Don’t you dare use ‘complicated’ against me. I deserve better than that.”

OH SHIT.

Exy Venus Williams is mad, y’all – and completely in the right, because Kevin, you done fucked up.

Anyone who figuratively leaves his girlfriend on ‘read’ for two years deserves to have the shit bitched out of them publicly.

However, Kevin has a magic trick to at least somewhat calm his angrier half down:

Fellow ex-Raven and resident human ground beef Jean Valjean Moreau.

They go see him, but like puppies left out in the rain we don’t get to go with, which is a damn shame because I’m getting increasingly interested in how our favourite baguette is going to continue his trauma-filled existence.

“You assume [Nicky] will survive until summer [because he’s annoying the hell out of Andrew with his Andreil shipping],” Andrew said.

“You break him, you owe me a new defenseman,” Wymack said.

Bahahahaha.

Found this chapter’s #dicksoutforwymack, that line was gold, small as it was.

“You have one at Abby’s house.”

DAMN RIGHT. Anyone up for some Fox!Jean? Yes? Yes?

Apparently, not Kevin and Jean, who have irreparably damages their athletic compatibility at the Batcave of Extra, so Fox!Jean is a thing we may have to keep to fanfic.

Again – a damn shame.

What is decidedly not a damn shame is that Wymack has a lil something for Andrew, and when I found out what it was I may or may not have shed a lil tear of pride.

Keys jangled as they hit the carpet, and Neil stared in disbelief. He couldn’t be right, except last summer Wymack had given Neil three new keys, too: a set for all the important doors at the Foxhole Court. (…) “Kevin said to give you those.”

KEVIN IS TRUSTING ANDREW WITH STADIUM KEYS.

KEVIN IS EXPLICITLY INVITING ANDREW TO COME PRACTICE WHENEVER AND UNSUPERVISED.

KEVIN IS STARTING TO BELIEVE IN ANDREW’S FUTURE AS A PROFESSIONAL SPORTSBALL PLAYER EVEN IF ANDREW MAY NOT BE.

KEVIN IS TRUSTING ANDREW WITH STADIUM KEYS.

KEYS!!!!!!!!!!

This has got to be the fourth or fifth time this series has made me emotional about fucking keys, what in the absolute fuck.

[Neil’s] heart was pounding. (…) He thought about fighting for a spot on the US Court and facing the best the world had to offer, Kevin at his side and Andrew at his back.

When will the Kandreil feels end, my money is on fucking never.

With this preliminary banter done, we move on to what’s really important in this chapter:

The first NCAA Exy championship semi-final; University of Southern California Trojans vs Palmetto State University Foxes.

Or, as I like to call it – USC Hufflepuffs vs Kevin Day’s Boner.

So much has been promised about this team, their human sunshine of a captain and their infamous Too Good For This World cinnamon roll-ness, I was buzzing in my seat waiting to get to know them.

“[Think] about what you’re going to say in pre-game.” (…)

“How about ‘We’re gonna own these lowers’?” Nicky suggested.

“And that’s why you’re not allowed to talk to the press,” Matt said dryly.

Bahahahaha.

Nicky, my boy, never change. <3

However, I immediately opposed any ‘loser’ insults as I finally, finally met –

The one, the only, captain of Trojans, idol of Kevin Days everywhere, the OG Cinnamon Roll™ – Jeremy Fucking Knox.

“Kevin, you crazy fool,” he said, less formally, and clapped Kevin’s shoulder in a cheery greeting. “You never cease to amaze. You’ve got a thing for controversial teams, I think, but I like this one much better than the last one.”

Hi, marry me.

Again with the characterizations through first lines in this book, aye? Pretty sure this guy is the only one in the entire world who could bro-hug Kevin, call him a crazy fool to his face, and come away with his nose unbroken.

(He says a little bit towards Wymack before that, but we’re gonna ignore that for the meme.)

But apparently, Jeremy is not the only one who gets to say unexpected things right now.

[Kevin] only said, “I have a backliner for you. Do you have room on next year’s line-up?”

… Does this mean what I think it means.

I THINK IT DOES.

I THINK IT FUCKING DOES.

My dudes, let me tell you, my ass is HERE for Trojan!Jean. Trojean. TROJEAN.

Seriously, if you want someone with a trauma caused by abusive competitive toxic teammates to recover, a team that’s known for being the friendliest, kindest and fairest motherfuckers on the planet is pretty much the absolute Way To Go.

Operation Trojean is the best rehab anyone has ever thought of, ever, and I will hear no other opinions on this.

I was already enjoying this tremendously, good things all around, how much better could it be – when Sunshine Boy decided to pull something so spectacularly Hufflepuff that I swear to fuck I heard badgers singing.

Y’all are not ready.

I was not ready.

“Our line-up,” Jeremy explained. “It’s late to be getting it to you, I know, but we were trying to avoid as much of the backlash as possible.”

Why, what’s happ–

“Two goalies, three backliners, two dealers, two strikers,” Jeremy said. “You’ve made it this far with those numbers. It’s time to see how we’d fare in that situation.”

WHAT

THE

FUCK.

You have got to be kidding me, Sunshine Boy.

You are giving up your gigantic team, your sure-as-life win, your One Big Strength – just because it’s fair? And because you want to learn from your opponents more than you want to win?

I’m out. This is too much. This team is TOO FUCKING MUCH.

“You’ll lose tonight if you play like this.”

“Maybe,” Jeremy agreed, unconcerned. “Maybe not. Should be fun either way, right? I don’t remember the last time I was this psyched for a game.”

There is no way in hell I’m not faceclaiming this guy as known Puff Champion Cedric Diggory now.

No. Way. In. Hell.

Neil finally understood how the USC Trojans had won the Day Spirit Award eight consecutive years.

Bitch, me too, the fuck.

“I take back what I said about earthquakes,” Nicky said weakly. “I have a new favourite team.”

BITCH, ME TOO, THE FUCK.

And with that, the game is on, and I can’t remember the last time I was so pumped for a good ol’ match of Orange Murder Sportsball.

Despite their Line-Up of Dreams, the Trojans pretty much wipe the floor with the Foxes in the first half, as was to be expected.

But in second half – well, let’s just say I ain’t never seen a badger run a marathon.*

USC could have taken control of the game in a heartbeat if only they’d rethink their strategy. If they pulled their three subs from the sidelined players the Foxes’ night was over. But the Trojans had made up their mind and they weren’t backing down.

HELL YES.

BECAUSE THEY’RE THE FUCKING FAIREST BEST FUCKING SPORTS IN THIS ENTIRE DAMNED LEAGUE.

(*For the record: Foxes don’t exactly run marathons either – according to the mighty Internet, foxes can run up to 55 km/h and badgers up to 30 km/h, but both only over short distances. A human Trojan would definitely outrun a fox (or a badger) over a long distance. So much for brand accuracy.)

But then! Oh, who would have thought! This is so completely surprising! The Foxes catch their wind on the second half! Amazing, they start to dominate the game! And – and – and it’s a win! Win for the Foxes! WIN FOR THE FOXES!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy and excited for them and all, but as if we didn’t absolutely see this coming.

“Is this what dying feels like?” [Alvarez] asked, and called over her shoulder, “Babe, I think I’m dying. Do I still have legs?”

Things like these make my sports-ignorant ass realize just how hardcore the Foxes playing full halves actually is.

No subs, we die like men.

Also, Alvarez’ “babe” turns out to be Laila Dermott, which makes me love the Trojans even more – and I truly did not think this was possible – because Exy Lesbians.

“That was fantastic. (…) I want to do it again. Next year, maybe, when my legs grow back.”

“Stop being such a baby,” Laila said.

This banter is giving me life.

If anyone has any fanart of these two buff buttercups, please send it my way pronto.

Neil didn’t care how many hearts they broke that night. They’d beaten USC. (…) The Foxes were going to finals, and that was the only thing that mattered.

HEEEEEEEECK YEEEEEEEEES.

Before we move on to post-semi-final celebrations, allow me to gush about the Trojans one last time, and then I promise I’m done melting into a puddle every time one of them so much as speaks.

“[Jean] will be back in the fall. He just won’t be back in black.” Jeremy flashed his toothy grin. (…) “He’s transferring to USC for his senior year.”

This is one of the best ideas anyone has had in this entire book. Four for you, Trojean, you go, Trojean.

(And none for Riko Moriyama, bye.)

“We’ll have to get him some sun this summer, though! He’s a little pale to pull of red and gold right now,” Jean laughed.

[To the tune of California Girls] California puffs they’re unforgettable…

Also, in which Jean is #me in summer, all day err’day.

Tanning is for weak people, we sunburn like true Germans.

Nicky (…) cut the TV off. “I’ve got a theory that Renee and Jeremy are long-lost siblings. What do you think would happen if they ever joined force?”

“They’d get murdered,” Aaron said. (…) “War’s profitable; no one wants their world-peace nonsense.”

Gee, thanks, you absolute walnut.

For the record, I agree with Nicky, and I’m also counting this as the reason I immediately fell in love with Jeremy.

What can I say – in a world full of Angst, Drama, Angst, Infighting and More Angst, ya girl loves herself some good sunshiney optimists.

As for post-semi-final celebrations, the gang makes good on an old tradition and goes into town for another Fun Night of Debauchery for what I’m assuming is the last time in this series.

To think that a year ago the prospect of this would have made me break out in protective Neil feels, and now I’m actually looking forward to it.

Man, we’ve come far.

Speaking of – Andrew now apparently has no need for cracker dust anymore(!!!), has nothing against being touched in public (!!!!) and doesn’t seem to mind his Bartender Pal Roland calling him out on his Very Much Gay, Very Much Official Relationship (!!!!!).

Man, we’ve come fucking far.

“How’d you know [about Andrew being gay]?”, [Nicky said.] “Is your gaydar more advanced than mine is or – “ Nicky’s jaw dropped as he clued in. “Wait. No way. No way! Did you two –?”

BAHAHAHA.

LAUGHTER.

BIG FAT LAUGHTER.

Andrew hooked up with Big Intimidating Bartender Pal, this is glorious.

Neil’s clock was still ticking down, but his numbered days followed a different schedule now. Neil had all the time in the world, and that left a heat in his gut stronger than any whiskey could.

Fuck yes.

Fuck YES.

A very good ending to a very good second to last chapter.

...Oh shit.

Second. To. Last. Chapter.

EVER.

Next chapter will almost conclude this series (I’m told there is a short epilogue, so we’re not quite done). Next chapter will almost conclude this blog, holy shit.

We’ve been following the Orange Hellride that is this series for over a year now (thanks to my giant hiatuses in between, oops). This is insane.

I’ll get all emotional and grateful and weepy in the last chapter and final book recap, so dry eyes over here for now, but y’all – get ready.

This ride is about to end, and knowing this series, we’re about to go out with a fucking bang.

Oh dear.

Before I go - a quick note on the update situation for the last few uploads (meaning chapter 17, epilogue, book recap). This feels almost redundant to say after my schedule has been very loose (soz) these past few chapters anyways, but I will be taking some liberties for the finish line.

This blog has been one of my greatest pride and joys over the last year, and I really wanna stick the landing. This means I'd rather spend an extra day refining than update by hook and by crook. As a loose time estimate – expect the last chapter by the end of the week, possibly earlier.

Let me make this good for you guys. I'm way excited (and scared), and I hope you are too.

Peace and love, y'all.

#tfc #the foxhole court #aftg #all for the game #jeremy knox #aka my new husband #tkm #the king's men #nora sakavic #nicki reads tfc #please hold my hand through the last chapter #PLEASE

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evakfanficsrecs · 7 years ago

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Hello, babes!

Someone nicely asked for a purely Christmas(sy) list, so I shall deliver! Don’t worry, though, a rec list with all the other fics (Part 16) is coming soon too... it’ll just have a slightly longer delay. That being said, here is a list of all Evak fanfics that I thoroughly enjoyed in the month of December and I want to share with you... I really hope you enjoy these fics just as much as I did! I wish you all a lovely Christmas and a happy reading!

P.S. Sorry about the crappy, ridiculous banner! (I’ve never claimed to be a Photoshop master, okay.)

As per usual, the list is divided into oneshots, chaptered fics and series. My personal favorites are tagged with a “★”. Completed chaptered fics are tagged with a “✓”.

ONESHOTS:

For One Night (It's Christmas) by flowerbedofsouls Summary: Even wants to know what Isak got him for Christmas.

Christmas Surprises by bashfulisak Summary: Isak and Even celebrate Christmas together by going to Even's house for dinner.

sweet hymns of joy by DarkBeauty_890 ★ Summary: Eskild breathes out a breath and his entire being seems to loosen, once he realizes that they were in no real danger. He cocks a hip and shifts the frying pan of bacon, “You call me in here, practically screaming bloody murder… because your boyfriend’s parents were lovely enough to buy your stinky ass something?” Well when he puts it like that Isak supposes it sounds a bit dramatic.

Express Yourself by thestyleofsecrecy Summary: "Can't you just tell me what you got me?" Even laughed – teasing Isak and seeing him so impatient were two of his favorite things. “I appreciate the effort, but no. You'll have to wait and see.” “Ugh, okay. Can I at least kiss you?” “Yeah, alright. That you can do.” * Isak and Even exchange gifts on Christmas day, Even is a sneaky little puppy and Isak listens to Troye Sivan.

fucking finally by theyellowcurtains Summary: It was nearing Christmas and Isak had to do something. He really wanted Even to be in his life forever now. * AKA The one where Isak proposes.

Tis’ The Season To Be Grumpy by EvensDramaticShenanigans ★ Summary: “God dammit, what the fuck!” Isak shouted, his irritation bubbling over completely. “Can’t you watch where you’re fucking going?” He snapped, spinning around to face his new aggressor. “Mr. Elf said a bad word!” Anja cried out, her tone accusatory and berating. Even quickly pressed his hands against Anja’s ears, even though it was a little late for than now. “Jeez,” Even started, giving Isak a pointed look. “Are you supposed to be using that kind of language around children?” He asked, though he didn’t sound mad— more amused than anything, really. Isak scrunched up his face at that. “What would Santa have to say about this?”

but cause he really knows me by ourlovelybones Summary: Even just wants to plan a perfect surprise for Isak, one where it doesn't go quite as planned and one where he thinks he might have gotten it just right.

Just Kids When We Fell In Love by wyoheartsmusic ★ Summary: Isak and Even go to university 3000 km away from each other. Luckily, it's Christmas break and they had the brilliant idea to go on a cabin trip together. Romance ensues.

The best Christmas you've ever had by hannakin Summary: “I don’t hate Christmas,” Isak sighed. “I just don’t like it.” Isak doesn't really like Christmas but Even does and he wants Isak to do too. “I’m going to make this Christmas the best Christmas you have ever had.” he whispered.

Make the Yuletide Gay by Sabeley ★ Summary: Isak has been pining after Even for months. Jonas and Eva decide that a romantic getaway at the cabin is exactly what the two boys need to confess their feelings to each other. Or the one with the Evak/Joneva double date that we all deserve.

helpful magic by everythingislove (narrylife) & puddingandpie Summary: Five times Even uses his magic because of Isak, and the one time he actually tells him about it. * Or: the one where Even is a Santa’s Helper with special Christmas magic abilities, and Isak is a normal human who he's quickly falling for.

Rock Hard Paper Scissors by skamsnake Summary: “Well… we could play Rock-Paper-Scissors for it?” Even says, breaking the kiss. Isak sends him a look of disbelief but soon shrugs in agreement, hoping Even will let him win this time too. He always does. Which is good, because Isak’s not sure his legs work right now.

Under the Mistletoe by evak1isak Summary: Isak has a crush on Eva's best friend, Even, but he's too stubborn to recognize it. With Christmas coming, Eva has a plan to set the two boys up.

Hope by bri_ness Summary: Isak and Even celebrate hope.

Where the Lovelight Gleams by Sabeley ★ Summary: "Are we having phone sex?" Isak sputtered in disbelief and it was so endearing that Even couldn't help but smile."Is that not why you called?" he taunted. "No," Isak snapped. "I called for real sex." "Well, I'm working on getting home, but it's going to be a minute, so... What are you wearing?" "Does it sound like I'm wearing anything? God, you're really bad at this." * Or the one where Even and Isak are stuck at different Christmas parties, but they're determined to have sex anyway.

18 Secret Santa Horror Stories That'll Turn Anyone Into A Grinch by GayaIsANerd Summary: Some secret Santa, some unfortunate google results, a whole lot of complaining and a heart full of gratitude.

It's Not This Life, It's These (Day)dreams by Fxckxxp ★ Summary: Isak is 110% done with Vilde, Sana is on his hit list, and he can’t make Christmas cookies to save his life. Oh, and there’s Even—whose laugh is what Isak notices, whose charm is what makes him fall, and whose kisses are what make him stay. * Or, what might have happened if Kosegruppa had gone a little differently.

(Baby) It's Cold Outside by himmelsky Summary: December is approaching, but Isak isn’t feeling the Christmas spirit. Barista guy, aka Even, wants it differently.

Late December With My Heart In My Chest by LavenderWater ★ Summary: In order to stop his mother's fussing since he left for college, Even tells her he's dating his roomate, Isak. They pretend to be a couple over the holiday weekend to convince his family.

it's going to rain on friday, the twenty-second of december by vesperthine Summary: Isak has tried to tell him that there’s nothing to discuss ( – that mom isn’t well, that dad is a coward, that he just wants to forget everything about family and expected happiness and just leech off of theirs – ) but every time Even has gone quiet and looked down; looked so sad that the conversation has just died. Which he knows is a fatal blow ( – a communicative meltdown – ) that leads to everything that he wants to avoid; screaming and crying that reminds all too much of the things he just wants to forget.

It's a Wonderful Life by kapplebougher Summary: "Think of it as a film, Even," she said, stepping closer. "What I'm about to show you, is one made just for you. Except this time, you are not the director." "You say that like I ever was," he said, more bitterness creeping into his tone than he’d expected. "Oh, you are,” she assured him. “Much more than you would think. But you won't be in this one." "Why not?" "Because in this one, you don't exist."

The Disaster Christmas by Jules1398 Summary: It's now Isak's turn to meet Even's extended family over the week of Christmas.

dance with me by agarina Summary: There's always some room for anxiety. And cheesy Christmas music. And dancing. And kisses.

Maybe what matters is being together by evakuality Summary: It's Isak's first ever anniversary and he can't imagine anything worse than being forced to spend it with his co-workers. Of course, when your anniversary happens to be around Christmas time, sometimes dates collide.

Slowly Starts Sinking In by bri_ness Summary: After a Christmas party, Isak and Eva consider their feelings for their friends.

i can't pretend (guess that's love) by wyoheartsmusic ★ Summary: Even is tired of watching his friends kiss. So is Isak. The plan? Add more kissing to the mix to get them to stop kissing. Foolproof. Right?

twelve by kittpurrson ★ Summary: Just because it's Christmas, and at Christmas you tell the truth. Isak is afraid of messing up and Even is afraid of overstaying his welcome. Magnus doesn't know what Vilde wants, and Vilde doesn't know how to want. Eva and Jonas are stuck in the ghost of Christmas past, and nobody knows what the hell they're doing. But it's Christmas, so they muddle through it together.

You Forgot Cranberries Too? by ultimatelawrence Summary: "Isak was a romantic deep down in his heart. A fact he never let anyone know. But a fact that was there and seemed to be exacerbated by the festive season." * 4 Christmas Eve's in which Isak sees Even. 4 Christmas Eve's to get it right.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas by colazitron Summary: Even knows Isak's a bit nervous about visiting his mother for Christmas, so he tries to lighten the mood with a joke.

Ready to Jingle Your Bells by EvensDramaticShenanigans Summary: It was truly a testament to how drunk Isak was when rather than vehemently denying the request or furiously shaking his head and pushing everyone away, he set his glass down and determinately rose to his feet. And there was also the fact that Isak— sober or drunk— was never one to turn away from any sort of challenge, and Mikael’s wording certainly posed this as one. (Of course, there was also the fact that Even did sing him a song, and what kind of a boyfriend would he be if he didn’t serenade Even right back?)

Mistletoe and Type O Negative by riyku Summary: Isak Valtersen: vampire hunter. Kinda has a nice ring to it.

Bundle Up Tight! Flurries Tonight by EvensDramaticShenanigans Summary: Isak obliged and snatched up the first coat of his that his eyes landed on. It was more of a windbreaker than it was a real jacket, and Even quickly pointed that out. “If you wear that you're going to freeze, Is.” “It’s not that cold out, Even. Anyways we’re just walking to the tram stop, we’re not going to be outside very long.”

CHAPTERED:

My Very Personal Ski Trainer by Crazyheart ✓ Summary: This is before Christmas 2016. Even never transferred to Nissen, so he’s doing his last year at Bakka. He has just broken up with Sonja and is recovering from a manic and depressive episode. Sana has invited Even and her other friends to a Holiday cabin trip, and Even needs to get in shape so that he can beat his buddies in Sana’s planned ski race. He tries out a personal ski trainer app and meets the hot ski trainer Isak Valtersen. Even struggles to focus only on the training. On the cabin trip, when Even arrives early, a surprise guest turns up and a snowstorm threatens to snow them both in. Who knows what happens next? * A different meeting AU and sort of a 4 + 1 (Four times Isak and Even don’t talk for real, and one time they do).

It's beginning to look at lot like Christmas by Teatrolley ★ ✓ Summary: So, here’s the thing:Isak moves out of his parent’s house when he’s sixteen and it’s fine, really, most of the time it’s fine. It’s just Decembers. Goddamn Decembers. They’re not exactly his favourite time of the year. This time, though: this time he think there’s someone who has it worse than he does. On the first of December that year, Even moves in.

I Just Want You For My Own by Twinklylightseverywhere ✓ Summary: Even loves the holidays, really. He loves spending time with his friends and family, drinking hot chocolate by the fire, exchanging gifts, the like. He loves leaving his apartment to see snow falling from the sky, children’s eyes lit up in excitement, and the general busy bustle of downtown Oslo in December. You know what he doesn’t love about Christmas time? Working in a fucking Post Office.

(I’ll give it to) Someone Special by nofeartina ✓ Summary: Isak Valtersen is certain of a few things: 1. He doesn’t really like Christmas. 2. He loves Even – as a friend. 3. He doesn’t want things to change between them. So that’s why he offers to play Even’s boyfriend on a visit to Even’s homophobic family. And then he realizes a few other things. 4. He’s surprised by how perfect a fake boyfriend Even is. 5. Okay. Maybe, Isak is starting to love Even as more than a friend. * Or the one where Isak is oblivious to Even’s true feelings about him, but fortunately it only takes the Christmas holidays to change that.

A Thrill of Hope by mlbee ✓ Summary: “Yes,” Even breathed before pulling Isak in for another kiss. He pulled away and murmured, “This is so weird. I’m kissing a total stranger.” “Really?” Isak asked. “I do it all the time.” * The Holiday AU.

A Grump for Christmas by Schedazzle Summary: Apparently he wasn't as great at hiding his emotions, because as he hastily wiped the table someone behind him said, “Why do you always frown when that one comes on?” Isak looked over his shoulder to where that deep voice had come from. Even. There was a fluttering in his stomach every time his coworker unexpectedly starting talking to him. He rolled his eyes. “It means the CD starts back up again.” Even who had been smiling at him grinned at that and chuckled. “You’re a Grinch.” * OR: The Fake Dating holiday fic where they both get to save each other a little bit.

SERIES:

santa, baby by empty_venom Summary: Isak's never been good at gifts. This year though, he has something special for Even.

–A

#even x isak #isak x even #evak #evak fanfiction #evak fanfic #skam #skam fanfiction #skam fanfic #evak fanfiction recs #evak christmas #christmas #masterposts

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lubdubsworld · 7 years ago

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The Perfect Husband ( Jung Kook/Oc)

Chapter 2

"It looks like I'm going to have to cut it just a little shorter, to make it even. " The lady at the small salon near the college dorms gave me an apologetic smile and I swallowed in misery. Shorter? It barely brushed my shoulder blades as it was. But she didn't hack it off and was very careful not to reduce the length more than necessary. In the end she also talked me into getting some lowlights.

"You look very pretty ." She said very cheerfully. I stared at my face. I didn't look pretty . I looked like every other woman Jung Kook took to his bed. Slutty. Whorish. Begging for attention.

I wanted to sob . I wanted to kill him.

I wanted to die, really.

Instead, I finished paying and made my way to the bus stand only to be greeted by the sight of Jeon Jung Kook leaning against the wall outside the salon, kissing his girlfriend. Or , to be more accurate, dry humping her. The moment he saw me, he pulled off and smiled, lips still slick with spit and swollen red. His teeth sunk into his lush lower lip and he stuck his tongue out lewdly, looking me up and down.

"There she is. My better half." he drawled and I ignored him, walking right by. Of course he wouldn't let me go that easy. Fingers curled around my arm and yanked me so hard, i was pretty sure my shoulder came unhinged. But I wasn't giving in that easy. I yanked right back and he loosened his hold, enough for me to hit him with my backpack, right in the side of his head.

He swore and stumbled a bit.

"You little bitch..."

I didn't wait for him to come after me, quickly jumping on the bus that pulled over, not even bothering to see where it was headed. Sitting on the hard seats, I finally let the tears fall. It seemed my life was truly over, I thought blankly, staring out the window. I couldn't imagine what he would do once he actually started having twenty four hours unrestricted access to me.

Why did he hate me though?

it made no sense.

I didn't want to trouble him. If he allowed me to, I'd never even appear in front of his face again.

There was something very mysteriously wrong with Jeon Jung Kook and no matter how much I hated him, I would have to find out what it was, if for no other reason than to keep myself safe.

I remembered his girlfriend, Kim ji Ah, wasn’t that her name? How did she feel about this whole thing? She seemed perfectly content to suck his face despite the fact that he was engaged. That spoke volumes really.

~~~~~~~

"We'll announce the betrothal next week. And then you can move in with us for the twelve weeks before your marriage." My mother in law smiled and I felt my oxygen get cut off.

"What? I.. i don't want to move in.." My mother kicked me under the table and i stopped.

"she means that she'll start packing at once. We'll send her over in a couple of days. I understand that it's important for the kids to learn to be comfortable with each other."

"I'm plenty comfortable with him strangling me and dragging me around by my hair all the time. It makes me giddy with comfort. " I said under my breath.

"What's that?! Speak up, Ah reum !! "

I managed a weak smile.

"nothing Mrs. Jeon. I'm looking forward to be a part of your family." I said bleakly.

"Good, there are certain things you must learn before marriage. Proper etiquette. How to address all your elders. How to behave at official parties. Dining etiquette. You will be accompanying my son on major deals and dinners. You cannot embarrass us in any way. Meanwhile I have a schedule for all the things that need to be done before the wedding. You'll have to take Jung kook along for it all and I would appreciate if you keep him happy all the time. He's not yet warmed up to you and I expect you to change that. " She said loftily.

I considered the words, sinking deeper into depression. The only way to warm up Jeon jung Kook would be to toss him in a furnace. I volunteer, honestly.

I then spent an inordinate time on fansites dedicated to Jeon Jung Kook, trying to gather some information about the guy. There were disturbingly large number of these filled mostly with selcas and photos that were vaguely stalkerish in nature. I also noticed that any female who managed to get too close to him was summarily threatened, and cowed into staying away by some very royal ' fans' who were all on a mission to protect ' oppa'. I swallowed with renewed terror. I did not want to be the next on their list.

When i told Soyou she laughed outright .

“They’re just girls on the internet, Ah Reum. You’re going to be his wife. i think you have the upper hand here. “

And that was that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Less than a week later , I ended up at the Jeon mansion, all my things packed and sent and I waited in the foyer of the obscenely huge house, every breath erratic.

Jung Kook appreared like a frog disguised as a prince, hair styled, wearing a white silk shirt and perfectly tailored slacks. Even the knowledge that his personality was worse than pond slime did not stop me from grudgingly realizing that he was incredibly attractive.

"You actually came here. Wow, I was sure you'd run away from the country."

I gritted my teeth , absently reaching out to touch my hair and his eyes followed the movement , a pleased smile curving his features as he stepped up to me.

"You look better now. Kim Ah Reum." He drawled my name out. " They named you 'beautiful' ? Seems rather ironic, doesn't it?" He said with a confused tilt of his head.

I stared right at him.

"Is this your kink? Torturing innocent people? " I said finally.

His smile faltered.

"You're not innocent. You're just like the rest of them, trying to take advantage of my position in society. Well, guess what ? I'm no one's plaything. I'll be damned if i let you do that to me. " He said scornfully.

I felt my heart skip a couple of beats at that. It seemed a bit excessive, considering I really hadn't done anything of the sort.

"So, what do you want from me?" I said finally when he didn't say anything else.

He made a show of giving it some serious thought.

"I want you to stop pretending like you don't want to marry me. I want you to admit that you, like everyone else want me for my money, my status, the power of being Jeon Jung Kook's wife. "

"Fine. I want to be your wife because your rich, smart and powerful. It's hardly something to be ashamed of." I said with a shrug." In return, why don't you admit that you're just a fucking bully, who takes advantage of my lack of strength, just because you're too much of a coward to treat me like an equal!!"

I hadn't meant to spit it all out at him like that.

But my nerves were frayed beyond bearing and I'd spent a good forty eight hours, just wondering how far he was going to go, trying to hurt me.

If i was going to marry him, I deserved to know what made him want to hurt me, when he didn't do it with anyone else.

"Look at you, acting all tough. Missing the feel of my hand across your cheek?" He said softly, eyes narrowed in warning and I stood firm, refusing to be cowed.

"You're the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. Whether you like it or not, I'm the woman you're stuck with. Tell me what's wrong...Tell me what went wrong to turn you this way and i swear to God, I'll help you out. Anyway you want. if you want me a friend, I'll be that for you. if you want me to stay away from me , I'll do that. I swear, i don't want to hurt you or take advantage of you. I don't know what kind of people you've been with but that is not who I am, okay? Jung kook we can be friends..... " My tone came out very gentle and he actually swallowed.

"Get the fuck out of my face." He said very quietly.

"Jung Kook..."

"I SAID GET OUT!!!!"

Sighing I picked up my backpack and moved to the side hallway where one of the house maids stood waiting to lead me to my room. No one could say I hadn't tried.

When I glanced back to see him , he was already gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn't see him again for the rest of the evening. When I moved to change out of my clothes, opening the elaborately carved, white closets, I got my first shock.

All my pyjalmas were gone. Instead , all i could find were lacy negligees and satin shorts that would likely cover the bare minimum. All my jeans and shirts had been replaced by silk blouses and flowy skirts in floral prints. Wool dresses , silky summer dresses and gowns in all possible colors were arranged in neat stacks. The more expensive ones hung in rows from an iron rod.

I stared at the hideous clothes and tried not to scream. I'd known this would happen , hadn't I? Being a Jeon daughter in law would mean this. To completely peel of every single layer of my personality, everything that made me , me and replace it with society's idea of the perfect trophy wife, starting with the hair and now the clothes. Tomorrow i would likely be forced to wear five inch heels and walk like a lady.

Fighting nausea , I sat on the bed, stunned.

I was hungry. i hadn't had lunch and now it was a little past eight. The maid had told me that since it was my first day, I could have dinner in bed. I rang the small bell in the corner of the wall and about ten minutes later the girl arrived with a tray that contained nothing but a small bowl of soup. I stared at it in disbelief.

"What on earth... I wanted dinner." I said softly.

"This is dinner, mistress. Lady Jeon said that you were trying to lose weight for the wedding so you'd be on a special soup-only diet." She smiled cheerfully.

I laughed in disbelief and watched the girl as she placed the bowl down and left. But i was hungry and I quickly gulped it down. It felt like I'd just drunk a glass of salted water. I stood in front of the mirror staring at myself. No one in their right mind would call me fat. I wasn't fashionably thin sure, but I'd never felt fat. Until now.

Hurt, lonely and insulted I curled myself into a ball on the bed, trying to ignore the pangs of hunger wracking my body. I thought of the week ahead. No doubt when the betrothal was announced, every female within a twelve km radius would be out for my blood.

Someone knocked on the door, probably the maid to get the dinner tray and I moved to open it.

"Hi there...." Jeon Jung Kook drawled , lightly pushing my shoulder till i stumbled back. I barely got my bearings before he was locking the door and stepping in and I shrieked, scrabbling backwards to get away from him.

"Get out..." I shouted but he calmly shrugged out ofthe suit jacket he was wearing, tossing it on the nearest chair before turning to me and flexing his shoulders.

"Is that any way to talk to your friend? Whatever happened to the girl who wanted to start a nice , cozy marriage with me , just a few hours back?? "

I hesitated, trying to gage his words. He had a challenging glint in his eye that made me pause before answering.

"I wasn't lying. i meant what I said. I want this marriage to work. If you tell me what you want...." I said calmly and he laughed.

"I want to fuck you into that mattress right now. Is that part of the package you're offering, Ah Reum ssi.. ?? " He started unbuttoning his shirt and I felt annoyance well up inside me. I was seeing a pattern here. Anytime i tried to talk to him about us, he resorted to abusive language and violence.

"Jung Kook...This isn't funny..." I began .

"You told me you wanted to make this marriage work.. If you really want our marriage to work, you have to prove it to me. Sleep with me, I'll believe that you're serious about wanting to be my friend. "

He shrugged out of the shirt and I fell back on my butt because... Wow.

Okay, he was gorgeous.

I felt my mouth go dry and my heart started beating double-time, trying not to stare at all that satin smooth skin, the washboard abs and the damn near perfect physique. My face flooded with blood and I knew I was probably the exact same shade of a tomato.

"Like what you see?" He sounded amused.

I could feel an insane urge to smile rising up inside me and Good god, was I that shallow? Did the sight of his naked chest really turn me into a simpering idiot??

The answer was a humiliating yes.

I clamped a hand on my mouth to stop him from seeing the grin that had materialized there. But the look on his face told me he already knew and he snickered.

"Alright. Now return the favor." He said casually.

i stared at him stupidly.

“what?”

“Return the favor. An eye for an eye. A shirt for a shirt.”

It took me a second to realize that he wanted me to take off my shirt.

"What?! No!" I screamed, stunned. He rolled his eyes and stepped right up to me grabbed the hem of my shirt and yanked it up, so hard that three buttons popped and the fabric tore, leaving me semi naked .

I kicked out furiously and he laughed catching both my ankles and pinning me down before climbing on top of me. He sat down on my thighs and I choked out in disbelief before going cross eyed because...abs... in my face...

I reached out to push him away but the moment my palms touched his chest I pulled back, embarrassed and flustered. His skin felt scorching hot underneath my fingers. Maybe it was the effect of all the selcas I'd been seeing in the fancafe, but he looked way too handsome up close , his sharp jawline and silky hair hitting me like a punch to the gut.

Jeon Jung Kook was a class A bastard .

But he was also a breathtakingly beautiful bastard.

"Take your hands off." He said sternly and I yelped when he grabbed both my wrists in one hand and yanked my arms up over my head, pinning them against the headboard. He used his free hand to lightly thread through my hair. But his hands stayed there, not venturing even an inch lower.

"Like this... with your hair mussed and your shirt off, you do a bit of justice to your name." He said thoughtfully. I thrashed my hips trying to dislodge him but he only pressed down harder, his hip bones digging into my waist, as he pushed down into me.

"I'm not your plaything either, you hypocrite. You can't accuse me of taking advantage of you when you're doing the exact same thing right now.” I snarled.

He glared and then moved off me , long legs struggling to disentangle from mine.

"I can't even fuck you because your smart mouth is literally the world's biggest turn off. " He snapped letting go of my wrists and plopping back on the bed. I just lay there, stunned.

"Get out of my room, you freak." I muttered and he rolled his eyes.

"This happens to be my room as well. My parents want us to cohabit." He rolled his eyes and shimmied out of his skin tight jeans while I hastily looked away.

"why are you so shameless? at least have the decency to change elsewhere." I shrieked. He laughed at that.

"I'm not ashamed of my body, sweetheart. unlike you, I don't have a stick for a body frame" He shrugged.

I stared at him, momentarily thrown. It was actually the second time he'd called me thin. I really wasn't , and there was no sarcasm in his voice either. It struck me that he actually really considered me thin.

"Stop gawking like an idiot and turn off the lights. I want to sleep." He burrowed under the comforter and I stared in disbelief.

Surreal.

There really was no other word to describe Jeon Jung Kook.

He was surreal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You look bad. Are you okay?" Soyou looked worried as I stumbled a bit trying to focus on the stairs I was climbing. I was wearing a ridiculously feminine dress, with floral prints and lace edges and a pair of pumps that cut off my blood circulation.

It had been about a week since I'd moved in with Jung Kook and today would be the official announcement of the betrothal. I had been half tempted to stay home and hide under my bed but apparently , I would have to go up on stage with Jung Kook and explain that this wasn't just a business deal. That we were in fact in ' love' with each other. Mr. and Mrs. Jeon had been getting a lot of flak for forcing their young son into a marriage he didn't like and they were very determined to keep their reputation intact. Hence this little publicity stunt.

I could only hope that I didn't vomit on the podium, trying to pretend to be in love with Jeon Jung Kook.

"i'm tired..." i said honestly.

And starving.

My mother in law had taken her role very seriously. I wasn't given anything except broth and soup and the occasional chicken breast, unseasoned. I had no energy left in my body. But I'd lost a good five pounds, so she counted it a success.

"You should lay low for a week after the announcement." She said worriedly and I nodded.

While most of the students were already gathered in the assembly hall, Jung Kook was nowhere to be found.

"Ah Reum.. Come on up here. Your in laws are here..." One of my professors looked flustered as she ushered me over to the side room. i bowed politely to Mr and Mrs Jeon finally spotting Jung Kook next to his father, looking surly and handsome in a perfect black tux.

"We decided to do this here because it would be good for all the kids to understand that your relationship is serious. " Mrs. Jeon said firmly and I nodded, feeling out of place . I hadn't been raised like Jung kook. My parents were strict but very friendly nonetheless. Jung Kook's mother looked like she'd never hugged her son in his entire life.

Jung Kook gave me a surly stare , looking me up and down with distaste. I didn't blame him. On the good looks scale he was a perfect ten while I hung somewhere between a five and a six on my best days. It struck me that this was probably the reason people thought he was being forced into the marriage. Because no way would a guy like Jeon Jung Kook willingly want to marry a girl like me.

Tears stung without warning and i blinked, surprised. It wasn't like me to cry over stuff like this.

When the announcement came there was a collective moan of disappointment and rushed voices. Mr. Jeon spoke about how marriage would be the first step to Jung Kook becoming an adult and how he would go on to take over Jeon inc., and make it bigger than ever . When Jung Kook took the mike he looked blank and completely emotionless.

In a few crisp words, he reiterated that he loved his fiancee, Kim ah Reum very much. She was an attractive, intelligent young woman who would no doubt support him in all his endeavors and stand by him while he works hard to do his best for Jeon inc., If everyone would support him it would be great.

Polite applause greeted his words. And then we posed for some pictures and answered a few generic questions about how we'd met. I'd had strict orders not to say a word and Jung Kook said some cliched stuff about meeting me at the library, asking me out to coffee and enjoying my ' very charming smile and casual way of talking ' .

I couldn't keep still and said that I loved that he 'treated me like a gentleman and always took very gentle care of me'.

It was beyond ridiculous.

After it was all over and done , I moved to go to the restroom just to get my head together. I would have walked right past the door if my name hadn't come floating through. Curious, I pressed my ears to the classroom door.

"Never heard of her,."

"Must be something special if Jeon Jung Kook actually agreed to marry her. "

"I've seen her a bunch of times. Not much of a face but the body is definitely A plus. Nice and curvy. Luscious breasts man. " Some gruff voice said and I grimaced.

Perverts.

I decided to move away when the next sentence caught my attention.

"How about we pay her a visit tonight? "

I stopped short.

What the hell??

"She's staying with Jeon right now. And you know how he is. Like a fucking territorial dog. He’s going to keep a firm leash on his bitch so, I’m not sure we can get to her..."

"No, but she leaves the college at six right? I've seen her take the bus. I think we can get her if we hang about there for a while. "

I stumbled back, too shocked to be scared. What on earth was wrong with these people?? Was nothing sacred anymore. Throat dry, I slowly backed away.

I had to find another way to get home, I thought .

It wasn't as easy as I thought. My parents told me they had a bunch of interviews to give themselves and all the cars were already occupied. Catch a cab they told me , but cabs weren't allowed inside the campus. I would still have to walk out, past the bus stop.

In the end I ended up in front of Jeon Jung Kook.

"Give me a ride home." I said softly and he raised an eyebrow,

"No. " He said at once.

God.

"Please... just for today..." I begged.

He rolled his eyes.

"I said no. Go annoy someone else. "

“Jung Kook , please...”

“Look , begging doesn’t appeal to me outside the bedroom, so get out before I do something we both regret.” He growled.

What else could I say?

In the end I begged Soyou to come with me, through the back gate and she agreed to meet me there at five.

I'd just finished clearing out my locker when a palm came around my mouth, cutting off my breath and making me scream.

"Hey baby..." I recognized the voice from the classroom and panicked. Oh shit...

" Let's not waste time guys..." I recognized two of them. Bang Yong Guk and Kim Him Chan who were both rich , spoiled brats . I jumped when he really lost no time, reaching out and unbuttoning the back of my dress in quick deft movements that suddenly made the entire situation frighteneingly real and scary. He gripped my hair, hard enough for it to burn and I felt my eyes water from the pain of it.

I thrashed about so wildly that I lost my breath but I was still exhausted from not having eaten anything in a while. they held me down so easily , I felt like a doll.

"Did you fuck, Jung kook? Was he any good? He must be... seeing as every female wants to get in his pants... but then...if he actually agreed to marry you, you must be really good at what you do, babe.. Why not show me..."

He pushed me down to my knees and quickly indid his pants. I screamed soundlessly into the palm over my mouth . He wouldn't...!!!

Would he??

I wanted to vomit...

Sudeenly the palm over my mouth went away, reaching down to grip my jaw brusingly, keeping my mouth open and making it impossible for me to clamp my jaw shut. Yong Guk pulled his erection out of his briefs and pushed it into my mouth, just as the door behind us slammed open.

I gagged on the thick length inside my mouth and a second later he was being pulled off of me while I vomitted all over the floor. it was mostly bile, I hadn't had solid food in such a long time. I crawled away piteously, while my rescuers beat the pulp out the three of them. I reached the corner of the class room and finally focussed on the scene in front.

Jeon Jung Kook had a knife to Yong Guk's neck.

"I'm going to slit your throat..." He snarled and My heart jumped to my throat .

"Jung Kook...No!!" I screamed, terrified.

He ignored me.

"Get on your knees. On your knees. and Apologize to her.. Right now before I fuck you up!!" He shouted.

Yong Guk wasn't going to argue with a guy who had a knife to his pulse point. He kneeled in front of me but smirked venomously.

"Sorry we got interrupted..." He said , earning himself a nice kick to his back. I flinched, my heart pounding so hard I was sure i was going to faint.

"You're pushing it Yongguk. Do you want to die..." Jung kook growled and Yong Guk smirked again.

"sorry, princess. " Hesaid and Jung Kook dragged him up and tossed him out of the class, while Min Yoongi pushed the other two out.

"Are you okay?" Jung Kook looked honestly worried as he dropped to his knees in front of me. I swallowed nervously, still in shock.

"I'm okay.... he didn't.. do anything..." I said vaguely and Jung Kook sighed in defeat.

"I shouldn't have let you go alone. Fuck, I didn't think he'd actually have the nerve to come after you. I'm going to kill him for sure..."

"Jung Kook you should probably get her home. She looks like she's going to pass out." Yoongi muttered and I flinched.

My body had apparently shut down and now my legs wouldn't function. I tried again to pull myself up but apparently my bones had given up on me.

"It's OK. I got you, come on."

And then, without any warning, he slipped a hand underneath my knees and lifted me up till I was cradled against his chest.

I was too tired to process this and just gave up trying to make sense of his hot and cold behaviour.

To my surprise he didn't let go of me even in the car. Once we reached the house I felt firm enough to walk by myself and stared at him as he handed over my books.

" Thanks for coming back for me." I said sincerely.

”Don't go around alone hereafter.” he snapped.

For some reason , I remembered thinking that he'd looked like he'd never been hugged.

So that's what I did.

I hugged him.

He went stiff as a board and said, " What the fuck ?"

But he didn't push me away.

When I finally pulled back his face was unreadable.

" Thanks." I said again.

He didn't come to my room again for the rest of the week.

#bts imagines #bts college au #bts jungkook #jeon jung kook #bts scenarios #bts fanfics

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simplychaotic · 7 years ago

Text

An Open Letter To: Well, You Know Who You Are

Here we are. Where is that exactly? Neither one of us has any idea. We are driving completely blind at 100 km/h in the darkness, just hoping the ride will go smoothly. This is terrifying. Because at any moment we could jump a curb and end up top down in a ditch. Things could go horribly wrong in an instant, but yet we aren’t even trying to slow down.

The reality of this is, I dove head first into a situation I wasn’t prepared for. I didn't even look before I leapt; I just started to fall. And suddenly, before I knew it, I was falling; going faster and faster every second. I was just waiting to hit the ground, but I didn’t. Ever since that moment I’ve just been endlessly falling for you, wondering if I’ll ever actually get there. There are things you do every day that remind me why I spend time with you. There are things you do every day that scare the shit out of me and make me want to run away. That’s the hardest part, isn’t it? Trying to decide if I should run to you, or away from you. I don’t know if you’re falling too or not, but honestly baby I’m no net. I’m no comfort. I don’t know if I’ll catch you if you fall. I’m far too weak to ever be able to hold a love as strong as yours.

We met in one of the most mediocre ways possible, and we both like to joke that, instead, we met in some cool coffee shop downtown. Joking comes easy with you; laughing comes easy with you. I’ve never felt awkward… somehow we missed that stage in our “friendship”. We went from complete strangers to completely comfortable in a matter of a few weeks. I’ve never experienced that before.

After only a little over a month I was already spending every waking minute with you. You were the reason a few of the guys I was seeing fucked off… because they were intimidated by our relationship. Maybe they saw something that I couldn’t, that I should’ve, that I will. Quite honestly, I’m glad you came along and helped push them out of my life. You saved me from someone who would have been incredibly abusive, and from someone who already was.

We talk every day, and we actually have GOOD conversations. Do you understand how rare that is? To find a man who actually wants to ask you questions like “What is your biggest fear?” or “What is your favourite season?” Someone who puts equally as much effort into the conversation as you do? It’s fucking rare. And I love it. I love feeling like you want to know every little thing about me. And here’s the kicker… You actually remember everything I tell you. And even the little things I don’t tell you, but you notice. Then, when I’m sad or feeling unloved, you remind me of all those things. You list off the things you love about me; the things I don’t even know I’m doing.

You take candid pictures of me when I’m least expecting it. Like when I’m sitting on the edge of the couch watching TV, and you have to snap a picture because you think I look sexy that way. Or when you catch me mesmerized by a storm, or by the sunset, and I turn to find you staring at me like I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. I can’t even begin to describe to you the way that look makes me feel.

The darker side of this is that I feel jealous when you share your time with someone else. I feel sad when you're not around, yet I refuse to be dependent on someone again. Every time I tell you this, you just softly reassure me that I’ve “never met you before.” That you’re not going to hurt me like the other guys did, and that you’re not going to walk out on me. I’m detached. Detachment isn’t “not caring” about you, it’s just that I’m guarded. Maybe that’s why I’m always so confused. They say that the most confused you’ll ever be is when you’re trying to convince your head of something your heart knows is a lie. Maybe I’m trying to convince myself that I haven’t fallen for you; maybe I’m trying to convince myself that I won’t.

We both know this isn’t fair, and that we can’t play fools forever. But what do I do when you are every song on my playlist? When you’re every quote I read? When you’re every sunrise and sunset that passes by? You’re my moon, my stars, my blue eyes. You’re everything now, do you understand that? Do you understand that this whole time, you’ve had the audacity to permeate my soul and my mind, and I am consumed by thoughts of you, always.

I told you I’m a storm; you told me you enjoy my rain. I told you I’m a hurricane of emotion, usually anger, and that I cause damage to those who encounter me. You told me my anger is just a default emotion because I’m scared to feel anything else… and you’re right. You told me that I only believe I’m a storm because that’s what everyone has always told me. And then you held me close and told me that even if I was a storm, you love storms. You love the chaos, the beauty, the unpredictability. I realized then that you are the eye of my storm. Even though there may be gorgeous chaos surrounding you, you are calm. You are just a blinding ray of white light that was sent down my path to help me heal. And I am forever thankful for you.

I know I’ve gotten angry and told you that you're just like everyone else. That wasn't fair to you. I told you that I get angry and sometimes I can’t control it. I wasn’t surprised when I realized you didn’t really know how to handle it… no one ever really does. Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me, and that’s why I get the way I do. I make myself believe that I’ve got a hold on it, but in all honesty, I don’t.

It’s truly amazing what a smile can hide, but I could never hide anything from you. You always knew when something was awry, and you demanded I spoke about it, because you knew that was what I wanted. I wanted you to ask me ten times what was wrong, because I was stubborn. You didn’t care. I’ve pushed and pushed, and you’ve stood there like a wall refusing to move. I’ve been crazy, I’ve been loving, I’ve showed you almost every side of me, yet here I am and here you are.

I have to be honest with you though, because I know I’m going to hurt you. I can’t allow myself to hurt someone like you. I am so fragile, but instead of seeing someone broken you look at me in awe wondering how I move so delicately. But I see you, too. I see your wounds, your scars, and I’ve become them. But I will not allow myself to be the person to get underneath them just to destroy you after you’ve healed. I also know that you won’t chase me. I don’t deserve to be chased by you. Which means that if I choose to leave, I know it’s a decision I’d have to live with for the rest of my life. You deserve someone better… maybe I should have just been better.

Space is a scary thing, because you never know if the person will miss you or forget about you all together. This kills me, you know that? I’ve had this typed up for weeks. Deleting, re-typing, rearranging… trying to decide what message I wanted to send you. I still don’t know if I’ll send this to you as I type this sentence again. Why am I doing this? I’m not ready for a relationship, and you know that. But what happens when you get tired of waiting for me? When does enough become enough? I can’t ever picture my life without you, but I don’t know how long it would take for me to say yes to my life being with you, either. I don’t know what I want, and I can’t keep hurting you like this… it just isn’t fair.

My stomach is in knots, because I’m realizing I may never sleep next to you again. I’m realizing I may never kiss you again. I’ve realized those things every time they’ve happened… and it’s sad, really. When you’re missing a moment before it’s even over. On the other hand, you could read this and show up at my door unannounced and tell me that I’m worth all of it. But I couldn’t ever predict what the outcome of this letter will be.

I never want to lose you, ever. But it’s time that you finally understand why I’ve been in such a mood lately. We need to make a decision, and maybe some space and time apart is exactly what we need to make the right one. The hardest part about all of this is that I want nothing more than for you to be laying beside me right now.

That’s how confused I am. And I’m sorry.

Goodnight, sugar.

xoxo,

Marin

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denadigalaksi · 5 years ago

Text

You Soul is A River

The Cosmos

People always want to be the light to each other. Instead aspire to be each other’s darkness as much as the light. Be the thing that helps the other shine. Be the thing that shines in the dark. But be these things to each other in turn. - Balance

And the sun does not shine because someone else wants it to. It shines because that is what it was born to do. - You are the sun

We have calcium in our bones, iron in our veins, carbon in our souls, and nitrogen in our brains. 93 percent stardust, with souls made of flames, we are all just stars that have people names. - 93% stardust

People often talk about reaching for the stars, but it is the stars whose light travels billions of light years away to reach us. Never be afraid of asking for help. Even the stars do. Not a single star in the night sky is one, they are binary, which means their light comes from two - two souls shining as one to create each individual tiny light you see before you. - Lesson from The Night Sky

Even shooting stars must fall to learn how to soar.

You cannot predict what is in someone’s heart. Stars always shine brightest seconds before they fall apart. - Star Shine Brightness

The day you left, I realized you were a rogue planet. That you didn’t orbit around anyone or anything. That you had no solar system and you found your way into mine, into my orbit, to stay with me for just for a little while. I couldn’t keep you. You weren’t meant to be a part of me. Our love was like the sun, ninety-nine percent of this solar system, but not nearly enough to keep you. Some things are more beautiful because they don’t belong to anyone or anything. - Rogue Planet

A sky that has held the worst of storms but never forgotten to let the sun shine through.

The distance between the sun and the earth is 149.6 million km. The distance between your heart and mine is seventeen inches. Yet somehow, the sun feels closer to me in this moment than you. - In This Room

Not wishing (star). never wishing on them for you because now I know those wishes don’t come true. You cannot control other people’s lives with your wishes and destinies are not mapped in a black velvet sky sprinkled with diamonds, even if it is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen. The stars do not bring people back. No matter how much you miss them or need them. No one tells you that hope can sometimes be a dead thing. Just like no one ever tells you that you are wishing upon dead stars. - I Stopped Wishing on Star

My mother warned me, that good people are like the stars, few and far between. My father reminded me, that there are so many stars which I have not yet seen. - Parental Advice

Fire

When a wildfire comes to devastate you instead of just surviving it, you learned to grow in ashes.

How do you go back to being strangers with someone who has seen your soul?

You have grown so much because you have quietly realized you aren’t just teardrops. You are an ocean.

And then, she reminded me “There may be darkness within this world. But inside us the light burns brighter than you could ever know.

The Storm

If they truly love you, they will love you when you are an ocean breeze, but also when you are a summer storm. You were not made to be loved in parts, you were meant to be loved as a whole.

For even the ocean must let go of the hurricane in the end, though she knows she will never see him again.

Some people are born with tornado in their lives, but constellations in their eyes. Other people are born with stars at their feet, but their souls are lost at sea.

After you left, She took her lessons From the wind. You knew her as an ocean breeze. Now, Know her as a hurricane.

So when someone tries to take control of what is yours, remind them that storms are controlled by no one, and then show them how you are so much more than a storm.

You have always reminded me of a hurricane. But not because you are beautiful, or a force of nature, but because hurricanes are thieves.They breathe in at the ocean’s surface, drawing from her life force, taking from her soul, before disappearing into oblivion to cause destruction, devastation. And just like you, they never ever return.

This world has gone dark more times than you or your mother or her mother can remember. And every hurricane that was meant to be the end of it all has instead ended in sunshine again. So believe me when I say: You will survive this. And the next one too.

Ache

If you hate the sun for shining on the day you lose the warmest things you have ever loved, remember how even the earth will lose the warmth of the sun one day, but unlike you, will not survive the loss. If they walk out a door that you opened, you are still allowed to grieve for the life you lost with them. But whatever you do, never forget why you opened it in the first place. And never forget to close that door, once they have walked out. Some loves do not have the right soil for roses to grow. Even you have not been permanent to people.

Some people survive chaos and that is how they grow. And some people thrive in chaos, because chaos is all they know.

This is how your grief will look at you: In the seconds after it happens, you feel the world turning on its head and you’re still standing upright, face forwards, when everything seems to have reversed and slowed down. Your mind insists that you have not changed, the world has. Your heart insists that the world doesn’t exist, only you do. Both are trying to convince you, that you have not become forlorn, the world is just broken. But your mind is lying and so is your heart. Four days after you have picked yourself up from the floor where you have been since it happened, your mother has already visited twice and said, “Listen, things will get better. You just have to let them,” and “We can help you,” and “Please.” Words seem hollow, but you feel more hollow than any words, hearing the way they echo and disappear inside you. A week after you have forgotten to sleep, forgotten to dream, forgotten how to communicate in the way those around you still can. You wonder what breathing without your heart breaking looks like. You wonder what words without the taste of death feel like. You wonder what the universe is trying to tell you through all this. But you never ever wonder if things get better. Because you are sure they never do.

When you love someone, promise me you will not love them like they are a war and you are the thing that will help them win. Promise me, you will not hunt down their flaws like enemies in a battlefield to kill them. People were not made to be saved by you or anyone else. All we can hope for in this life is a chance to be able to save ourselves.

The Sea, The Rive, The Oceans

The thing is, you can’t save people from themselves because they will just grab hold of you like you are a lifeline, you will both go under and neither of you will emerge. There is only one way to save someone from drowning and that is to teach them how to swim.

Some people grow entire oceans inside themselves instead of hearts. It’s why they have more love to give than anyone can ever return. It’s why they awaken sometimes to heartache and tear soaked pillows. Sometimes it is a blessing to love something so much more than you love yourself. Sometimes it is a curse to love anything so much more than you love yourself.

The moon has always been the ocean’s most jealous lover. But every time he has tried to fully control her tides, she has turned into a terrible tempest and broken through his chains with such fury, only allowing him the illusion of control on her smallest, weakest tides. Remember that you are the ocean. And no one, not even the moon itself is allowed to control your glorious, beautiful tides.

All these pieces you have cut out of your soul to give to those you say need them more than you. Have you forgotten how it felt when you were drowning with nothing to hold onto?

The ocean holds magic for those who seek it. But she only bestows her best magic on those who deserve it. There is a lesson in that for you. Give your best to those who deserve it, not to everyone who seeks it.

Wild

The most important lesson I learnt on the day you left me is the realization nothing that is truly wild ever weeps for its broken heart. - The Day You Left

The Earth

When someone plants flowers in parts of your spirit that were dark closed, broken before they arrived, do not let them wither when they leave. Instead, love them for growing love them for living love them for letting the light back into your soul.

I hope you fall in love with someone well versed in the language of forests and monsoon. I hope you fall in love with someone who loves you like the wolf loves the moon.

I wonder if the earth ever heard the ocean cry for the people she lost when they drowned inside her depths.

My darling, I know it seems like the end of the world, that everything has been destroyed, that the whole earth is in flames. But remember, there are beginnings in endings, through destruction there comes life and you have the same strength in you that makes the phoenix rise from the flames.

Heal

Be careful when you ask love to stay. Not every love is kind and true. But every love leaves fingerprints on your heart forever.

And first, before him and before her and before them there was you. Never forget that.

The next time you cry, take a lesson from the rain. Learn the way she never holds back her storm or how loud her tears are when they fall.

I hope you find someone who knows how to love you when you are sad.

Be kind. There is strength in kindness. For it is only when a kind person starts to grow thorns you realize how strong their heart really is.

The way you have loved speaks volumes about you. The way they leave speaks volumes about them. Your love is not poison. Their inability to appreciate it is.

You don’t have to prove to anyone just how tough you are. You are still here, and you are still alive despite all of life’s storms and tornado and hurricanes. You have weathered them all like a grand old oak tree, and you are still here. You are still alive. And if that isn’t tough, I don’t know what is.

#denabacabuku

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