#also ignore the bad perspective.
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Still in a Stardew hole. Anyone else use their fridge(s) as a dumping ground 😅
#stardew valley#stardew sebastian#sdv sebastian#comic#fanart#sdv fanart#my farmer#also for the ppl who left super nice notes on my st. paddy’s pic with Shane tysm!#especially that one person who complimented everything! You made my day and I’m sorry I’m only saying something now 🥲#lmk if ppl want to see more comics or fanart. I need justification to fuel this addiction#a#also ignore the bad perspective.
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@vanweek2024 day 6 - spare
vanny goes bowling !
#my art#vanweek2024#this was the only prompt i prepared before the week started lol#the perspective might be Bad but idc. the colors might also be Bad but again idc#couldnt think of anything for the other definition of spare so... bowling it is#vanny#vanny fnaf#glamrock bonnie#anyway it's honestly so funny to me how i've been posting all this van stuff and the most popular post for it has like? less than 100 notes?#but i know the second i start posting 🌞🌜 stuff again that number will shoot back up#which just means my 🌞🌜 stuff is too easily consumable and i need to make it even worse ♡#i do have a lot of complex feelings regarding the 🌞🌜 fandom and the way van and ness are largely ignored despite how intertwined their#stories are. but i feel like if i talk about that i'll get harassed LMAOOO#and also these tags aren't really the place for it anyway#eyestrain#eye strain#<- oh i almost forgot HDKSKF
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Sebastian finds Buddy a little weird and annoying for choosing to hang out with the expendables, but accepts it's gifts nonetheless.
#i didnt feel like coloring okay#also buddy's eyes glow like sebastians#for fun :) for the whimsy :)#and ignore the inconsistent perspective im really bad at perspective#pressure roblox#pressure#pressure oc#sebastian solace#sebastian pressure#oc: buddy#my art#oc art
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Things definitely got a little sandy 🧍♂️
#my art#atsv miguel#miguel o'hara#atsv#miguel o hara fanart#merman miguel#trust me there are double peens ones just being put to use for now 🤭🤭#it’s still may so this counts for mermay :)#I cannot believe I still need this man#it baffles me that he still makes me giddy#I feel like a teenage girl with a crush#I love this fool so much guys#also perspective and backgrounds are kicking my ass as always#so ignore how bad the background and angle looks 😭
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flood
~♫
#caligosto loboto#dr loboto#psychonauts#nightmaretheater#if you havent noticed i reaaally like flood by tool#this took 10 hours combined time of drawing 🕊️🕊️🕊️redid the sketch like 5 times lik#this is actually kind of personal to me….#as a child i had a reeaaaallly oppressive fear of my house flooding#like. i couldnt bare to hear a faucet running. thats how bad it was#all those flood damage relief commercials on tv scared me.#i very distinctly rememebr on of a house flooding thru the floor vents very quickly. and at the end the front door broke down.. scary#the psychological damage young me endured from the commercials#also ignore the wonky perspedtive on the crib i kind of exploded after trying to perspective for like an hour straight#its okay. it works. geometry is just weird in the psychonauts world#sheds a tear#oh the horrors..!.!.!!.! yipes#this is my ‘bobo exposed heart image’ to the cycle knots fanbase. real ones would know#drawing this was an experience man#thats why i vanished for a bit… sorry. ‘hey johnny got into str-‘ dont care im making a masterpiece#okay enough rambling im sorry#tips down glasses. send post
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Fuck I hate being an adult. I need a more adult adult to help with the volatile emotional situation.
#I've sort of made a new friend? Like we met at the same art group and he's also trans which was like pleasantly surprising in our small town#but like. We have Differences Of Opinion#and it's not totally his fault because it sounds like he's had a Lot of bad shit in his past that's obviously made him wary and closed off#but like. He's slightly older than me (only 4 years) and keeps blaming a load of his problems on other trans folks?#like you know the type. The like 'all these nonbinary/other identities the kids are doing are complicating shit'#the 'it hurts to see people younger than me inc. kids get hormones thrown at them when I still can't get 'em' (which... yeah not even true)#and he's told me himself he doesn't engage much with the queer community bc it's too 'toxic'#and like. I can absolutely understand why he could've had some bad experiences esp. since he has some mental health shit going on#but he wants to be friends bc he doesn't know anyone else going through the medical shit and it's like. Yeah no shit you don't?#you decided the community you'd find them in is toxic? and that people in them are doing being trans wrong?#and I think if he was just some guy online I'd like roll my eyes and ignore him#but he's a real person in my vicinity and I feel fucking bad for him#and I can see how much self loathing he has and how much that probably informs the bullshit#like he told me he thinks that trans men and cis men are fundamentally different categories and trans men will never be cis men#but not in a 'the experiences are just different and come with different perspectives way'#in like a self defeating way. Like a I just have to settle for being a trans man way.#and it made me SO SAD#like bro#I'm so sorry for whoever the fuck made you feel like you're fighting an unwinnable battle#and I want to be a friend to him. I want him to feel like there's other queer people out there and there's friends and hope#but also I genuinely could see him being the kind of person who would get really angry at you for no fault of your own#like I already get the distinct feeling he resents me a little#like obviously not too much since he still wants to hang#but he's been trying and failing to get HRT for years and I got it super quickly basically by sheer luck/a doctor who looks out for me#like I'm so fucking lucky. And I just genuinely feel like he's the kind of person who might take that personally.#I just do not think I have the fucking. Emotional tool kit to salvage this shit#But I also can't exactly text him and say sorry I don't think we should hang out so. What do.#.....I wasn't even LOOKING for a new friend! I have enough friends!!! I wanted to make clay faces and look at pretty buildings dammit!!!#now I have to be the emotionally mature one who goes hmmm maybe let's not blame other depressed trans kids for our problems buddy#I'm just gonna have to be like. Upfront about my stance and if he doesn't like it well he doesn't have to hang out with me
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FHJY thoughts under the cut bc I gotta sort my brain and can't be succinct to save my life
I think there's something interesting in acknowledge like
of COURSE Kipperlily underestimated the bad kids.
She's hated these kids from day 1. I know a lot of people want to acknowledge that it's not unreasonable for Kipperlily and the rat grinders to think the school is run unfairly (and you're right! it's a fair conclusion)
-- but we also gotta consider that this is something that took root in her VERY EARLY. Before the bad kids got really very good. Two bad kids die on the first day of school, they spend a significant amount of their second semester freshman year just. In Prison.
Of course what follows I'm sure spurs that hatred, but she all but declared Riz to be her nemesis with Jawbone freshman year.
She's probably got some good ideas of how stuff should change, but also she saw this random Goblin boy with a briefcase in rogue class and decided she Hates Him, for a reason none of us can fathom when several of the other bad kids give off worst first impressiona
She's a teenager, a kid, with anger issues. As much as their can be important nuggets at the core of her motives, she's a teenager without emotional regulation skills. That combination is BUILT to breed resentment and feelings of entitlement. and it's built to actively ignore any evidence of a different perspective.
We talk about how she doesn't understand them, takes Kristen as entirely uncaring, doesn't expect the bad kids to do so well in the Last Stand
and OF COURSE she doesn't. some of this because she of course is not privy to all of the bad kids interactions that we are as an audience. but a lot of it is probably because she's a teenager who's decided she's being slighted and as a result is never going to take the bad kids actions on good faith. she's doubled down and while I have a feeling she's extremely perceptive, she's also in an emotional place that means she probably is ACTIVELY ignoring any evidence to the fact that maybe the bad kids are just ALSO working very hard, and that the school itself may also work against them sometimes.
Add to that a god corrupted into rage (negative in this case) and conquest, and a nefarious faculty member as a potentially directly manipulative adult in her life trying to make something big and destructive happen. Kipperlily strikes me as the kind of person who knows she's smart, and knows she's clever, but is so blinded by her emotion that she is probably missing some of whats clearly in front of her as far as all the Jace business goes. She certainly is about the bad kids.
Jawbone can only do so much to help her in her sessions if he's being actively worked against. Emotional regulation is hard to learn from zero AS AN ADULT and she's probably coming from the negatives if my impression is correct, and is doing so as a teenager.
I guess what I'm trying to say is like
In a vacuum? Sure augeforts comment about trying being stupid or whatever does seem like another slap in the face for Kipperlily, one that justifies some of her feelings.
But not about the bad kids. and not to the extent she has taken them.
And to take that at its word feels weird to me because. To anybody paying attention? The bad kids are and have been trying SO SO hard in class. Them having to take the last stand in the FIRST place is specifically because the school system is treating Kristen unfairly DESPITE her best, GOOD efforts. I'm certain the rat grinders are on some level aware of Gorgugs EXTREMELY uphill battle with schoolwork this season, even if it's just Maryann catching part of a convo with Porter or Ruben hearing about it from his uncle. I HIGHLY doubt that Oisin was oblivious to the way that Adaines academics were affected by her not having the money for the correct materials - she still was able to excel mostly but the effects of that roll being at disadvantage for so long are still THERE. Jawbone pinned down and mentioned to Riz his similarities to Kipperlily within maybe 2 seconds - there is 0% chance he hasn't brought something similar up in Kipperlilys sessions. She may not like it, she may not have the emotional intelligence to see it this way, but his efforts almost certainly mirror hers in a way that makes them equally hard workers, absolutely determined to keep themselves afloat despite it being an uphill battle. Something that she feels she deserves to be rewarded for, and to an extent implies that if just a few circumstances were different she would be able to see equal value in his work.
And sure you can say she may be able to see that and be angry that their work is rewarded and hers isn't, but we see time and time again that she and her party don't always put that same level of work in? Mary Ann at blood rush, absolutely uncaring but doing well specifically because she's got some magical enhancements. The suspicious circumstances of Kipperlily finding the Rogue teacher. Even just the natural advantage of Oisin having more than the funds he needs to excel in wizard class.
But even regardless of that, she seems to refuse to see that any scenario in which others are praised for the same thing she's done, while she is ignored etc, is the sole responsibility of the school here. the bad kids are not her enemies in that fight - augefort is. The bad kids are not going around being consistently given advantages from the school, they're earning the things they get and hitting their own academic road blocks, and they aren't acting better than other people in a way that goes beyond like. Teen stuff. And yet her sights are trained so unblinking on them.
I can see Fabian and Kristen's popularity and personalities coming off like it supports that they're being treated better or feel some superiority. And it's teen stuff to quietly hate those ppl at your school! it's p normal!
But it always brings me back to her SPECIFICALLY hating Riz. Bc Riz isn't a rich kid throwing parties that everyone loves. Hes not sniping out comebacks the way Kristen does, sometimes without even thinking. In a lot of ways he's the/one of the least abrasive of the group to an outsider. Which makes me SO much more inclined to call bullshit that this is truly, honestly rooted in an acknowledgement of any of the REAL problems that come up with their school system.
It's complex, but I feel like we can't exalt their perspective as a Truth of the world like it seems some folks do when these characters themselves do not play fairly. What is fair about the way they interfered with the exam. What is fair about what she did so easily to Buddy Dawn. What is fair about the murder of the couple that owned that farm. Depending on what happened - what is fair from them about Lucy's murder. Certainly what is fair about their hand in Yolandas.
This idea that things are unfair isn't untrue. But not in the ways she thinks, and shes moved so far beyond that notion at this point. Kipperlily probably DOES believe that she's uniquely a victim of this system, or at least that everyone but the bad kids is. But she's moved so far beyond that. Whatever divine rage magic is involved has ensured that, as well as probably some Adult manipulation, and severely underdeveloped emotional regulation skills. and for me that means like. obviously she is unjustified in her actions.
Augefort is absolutely unhinged. his school has never been run in a manner that rewards buckling down in the classroom and the classroom only. It's an adventuring school in truly the most chaotic and violence rewarding sense, and that information is given freely by Arthur augefort at maybe any turn
Saw something about the theoretical being just as important as the practical. and yes! absolutely! a very good point that I'm glad was brought up - going to the classes is important and I think this season has really emphasized the ways in which that's true at least in terms of Staying in School and Honing your Skills
I do think, in the same breath, that that STILL means that the practical is ALSO just as important as the theoretical. It CAN'T be one or the other, it HAS to be both.
and the bad kids are DOING both. regardless of what it may count for, the rat grinders xp leveling by continuing to do freshman level combat in order to excel more on paper ISN'T them really doing the practical part of what theyre learning in their higher level classes. And the bad kids do not get credit for their saving of the world REGARDLESS. Not on its own merit, and to get the credit they'd have to jump a hefty academic bar that sort of invalidates the point of practical efforts in the first place, not to mention works against students like Fig and Kristen.
The school is actively rewarding Kipperlily and her party's cheat code practical use of their skills, over the bad kids putting just as much if not more effort into their LITERALLY WORLD SAVING missions. whatever favoritism shes seeing, or that there may be occasionally, Kipperlily fundamentally takes the bad kids in bad faith. It's not ABOUT what is ACTUALLY unfair to her at this point.
from her perspective every accolade or accomplishment from them HAS to come from favoritism in order to fit how her view of whats actually unfair has been warped. for her it doesn't MATTER that they've been trying because they MUST not be trying as hard as she is. it doesn't matter that they visibly saved the world three times, one of which was livestreamed and included several party members dropping, successfully because surely it's a fluke, or they were given better opportunities than others for no reason, or they're being falsely worshipped for what MUST be a less dangerous quest than it seems (despite us seeing clearly on the first day of school that nobody is putting a pedestal up for their night yorb win)
What could have been a justified spark of frustration with a system has shifted into a vengeful sense of entitlement that to me? fully abandons the good of wanting to change a school system actively working against some (/all?) students.
idk maybe this all sounds like jibberish I just
Kipperlily in her current state is INCAPABLE of not underestimating the bad kids bc that would require some acknowledgement that they have worked and bled and died to reach the level they're at.
You cannot separate the girl who sneaks in to the Last Stand to sabotage another party's chances of passing, of staying at school, of continuing school, of one of them from potentially keeping their god alive, and of being brought back from what she assumes is certain death - from the slighted teenager running for class president to make things "more fair"
you cannot separate the girl who easily slits her own party clerics throat without second thought from the girl who thinks she's been slighted by an unjust system
What she means by unfair is inherently colored by her being that same person
Augefort can say whatever nonsense he wants, and it doesn't really justify her current frustrations at this point because her version of fair is fundamentally unfair now.
Shes a child who's become corrupted, just like Buddy. but unlike him - she's become genuinely nefarious and vengeful. Unlike buddy she is actively plotting. Harming others with full knowledge of it. We don't know how much of it comes from her on her own, or the rage baking underground, or Stardiamonds direct involvement - but I think this most recent episode should make it clear that like
Whatever truth there is to the school being run in a way that is unfair to its students, and regardless of what she says or thinks
Kipperlily Copperkettle is not operating from that grounded perspective. and I don't think she has been for a long time
#fhjy#kipperlilly copperkettle#thats all I'm gonna tag#anyway hopefully you can tell that I'm not like. pro everything at augefort#we've seen so clearly teachers / faculty / rules / lack of rules work against the students#ESPECIALLY we've seen how that's effected the bad kids#but Kipperlily is not. on that page anymore.#I won't call her names that's just not how I feel abt.her as a character#I do think a lot of this may still just b EXTREMELY misguided#and ALSO#you're responsible for your actions#thrilled that she is / was??? in some form of therapy#devastated that whatever is going on here big picture has completely warped her perspective#to see her actions as the viable option for her to reach her goals#also this is SO rambling and opinionated I'm down to agree to disagree I'm just#I just needed to vent some abt it and like#explore KLCKs character a little bit#welcome to ignore but I am gonna tag it a LITTLE in case someone wants to chat abt this#long post
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No. 7: ONLY FOR EMERGENCIES
Unconventional Weapon | Magic with a Cost | "It's us or them."
#whumptober2024#no.7#unconventional weapon#bnha#fanart#myedit#myart#dealer's choice on whether izuku is the weapon#or the building he's about to hit is#also ignore my bad perspective#midoriya izuku#bakugou katsuki
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Five Nights at Freddy's
To the girl that introduced me to FNaF, after 7 years we finally got a movie.
----
I know that we changed a lot the last time we met (maybe me a little more), and she probably isn't even interested in it anymore, but she paved the way for one of my favorite interests. I remember watching FNaF videos with her, trying to dissect the lore, and roleplay sister location a lot in Minecraft. She made a lot of good memories with me in this fandom, and seeing the movie was amazing.
I've been putting off making this, because I was busy with other stuff, but with the movie being almost a month old, I'd figure now would be a good time. Thank you, FNaF, I will continue to enjoy you (threat)
#fnaf#fnaf movie#five nights at freddy's#nostalgia#my art#this also features my persona#please ignore my bad attempt of perspective
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among the boundless billions zaniness like laugh track as it definitely has that moment of expressing "rolling my eyes as The Left makes a kerfuffle of Acting like they have a stance as a veneer over the true belief that [xyz] is cool & chill actually" like what, approximate 0.000% chance wendy isn't, as usual, given the Objective Stance of "yeah yeah ohh we are cancelling involved parties talking about how we Don't watch this But. we all love this damn epic movie & already have it memorized so shut the fuck up, kids today" like. don't wanna really delve into how much billions thinks taylor or anyone is "really" trans / nonbinary like not too much benefit of the doubt in this material including what does provide info abt that specifically
& the general like [head in hands. what do you think any of this could possibly be about (you're the one that made your show at all about Power)] of "yes, it's bad/wrong to be someone that someone has done something to / victim of something" like that to be anti misogyny All Women Must Be Epic Winners b/c there's something to be proved: that they don't Deserve to be victims (of misogyny), not taken as a Given. while when we see some epic winner men stepping on other men (who need not all be guaranteed Winners so as to say misogyny is wrong), that's often Good, well beyond any assumption that various forms of basic disrespect / violation / patterns of emergent/entrenched power difference as Bad (for being things done to people, not for there being people they're being done to), & generally billions has to take an extra step when ppl get shitted on & tell us the Specific Cases when it was undeserved actually & someone was being mean to a specific person who didn't deserve that. & the specific cases when hey guess it wasn't that bad(tm) or when hey It's Okay that you're someone something was done to, in this case. & tell us what we were supposed to know all along like when someone who something was being done to (wrong Of Them, whether b/c they inherently deserve it no matter what, &/or b/c they failed to be someone who could make it Impossible to do anything to them, which, how do you do that besides being The Authority / Superior yourself, exactly? nonrhetorically? what if the in group vs out group / fascism / authoritarianism protected Me?) was actually being treated Too Well b/c ah well the abuse meant you were getting any attention, maybe it meant you were claimed as any superior's property, maybe it meant you weren't Already disposed of, as all Losers were in the end, You're Welcome.
obviously referring to winston where it's spelled out all the abuse towards him was deserved, & More than he deserved in the case of rian having more access & taking advantage of that, all for billions' enjoying its own sendoff there of, again, maximizing violation & violence short of [real violence is physical & leaves bruises / draws blood / Literally kills] which would be distasteful in general But doesn't it make wags look like the winner & winston the loser is that the former's completely unrelated completely impersonal ego blow gets way amplified taken out on winston, the most vulnerable recurring character when spyros as [first & ultimate Everyone Hates Him role] is more entrenched in there & billions still magnanimously pities tuk, as it does winston too, just not quite as much. again that like completely surface level realized power fantasy of forcing the mirror up to the Inferior so they're like nooo my inferiorityyyy & in doing so like, the projection in that lmao, we get it re: the valuing of & need(tm) for such Power Tripping & Reaffirming My Superiority & My Ego Restored; Everyone Claps like good god. & then for all ben & tuk are the slightly softer Two Too Nice Boys duo to the rian & winston quant duo, also like too nice i guess but not as much, ben is in charge of tuk but Any instance of rian being in charge of winston outstrips them in that "yay interpersonal abuse" dynamic, like then in the end billions may be like "yeah it's possible to be mean to them unlike how being mean to winston is actually Nice b/c he deserves everything he gets, we only vicariously enjoy it vs Feeling Bad for tuk & ben sometimes (still magnanimously & it's Not That Bad / just goofin)" like ben & tuk still Fail by not being people it's impossible to do anything to. & not Exceptions who anyone is really being Too Mean to. like if they were women, in which case, no problem surely with a "positive" kind of victim blaming where there is something Inherent that Will be victimized so hey how about to cancel that out there's this special Paternal Protection you Need always, Or Else? :) but instead they are men who are asian & is ben gay & w/tuk & winston nobody mentions glasses or fatness but billions doesn't really do much or very in depth textual mentioning of Anything, even w/nonzero mention that there may be gender & race in this world. a gay man, once. no disability. we just Know who are the inferiors who deserve it when they're treated inferiorly, or if they don't, they start deserving it when they fail to stop/avoid it, but if you start mentioning the factors behind who we all totally agree is inferior like whoa nobody was Saying any of that? being the real agent of oppression on the basis of the factors only You spelled out, much? nonbinary? i never say anything about the Gender Binary when i'm subscribing to it, sounds like You've created & enforced it. obfuscation & deflection onto [so Just Normal nobody has to label, explain, or argue it] couldn't serve a purpose & protect the existing power differences as they are. maybe You're the problem? perhaps you brought it upon yourself & now you're causing too much trouble standing up for yourself while everyone else's criticism is laser focused on you as the prior & continuing negative actions done to you are taken as a given / unquestioned / covertly protected to overtly encouraged?
anyway so wild if the Completely Normal(tm) Victim Blaming is uncritically recreated & oft embraced for "if you're watching this & don't wish you were axe / find him appealing" [billions as a sequence of vicarious power trips] purposes in this series....but a bit wild considering like this is your multiseason show that wasn't just purporting to be those power trips for [enough demographic & apparently specific personal tastes overlap w/creators] & was at all purporting to question the matters of power at play in the material, or yknow, at least to not be completely superficial material while said material is textually & thematically all about power difference being leveraged, how, the consequences, & so on. thus i will have to intermittently talk about it forever like this like lord unbelievable. & the funny little & sometimes less funny less little characters it has trapped in there so that those of us who were never meant to be in the audience can be cursed with this knowledge. like i have some feedback. "imagine not victim blaming" & "imagine adjusting your perspective can go beyond superficial layers added to politely defer to some other ppl while they're present but really like cmon do they deserve that. am i not just saying what we're allll thinking"
#another random night another Verbal Effusion of [forehead to hand]#winston billions#who needs actual questions about power or the consequences of getting to consider others Lessers & acting accordingly#when we can last minute be like uh wendy is god actually. take it away wendy (wait she just does whole other shit half the season)#okay Now take it away wendy i guess b/c the series is dead set on you being the Moral Center#if mostly b/c gosh everyone either loves owning you as pseudo wife or correctly recognizes & defers to your superiority#the scene i couldn't bear to sit through at the start of s7 way too long sequence of wendy Going To Work to the ''cuz im awesome'' song#i was like. lol. i was like okay that is wendy's mood / perspective then. Wrong. it was billions conveying Fact to the audience. rip#abt as great setup for ''the only other shoe that finally dropped was that of Yeah It's This Completely Surface Level'' as possible (:#prince has exactly the same attitudes & actions as wendy does? uh well you see. it's just bad when he does it#if only more wendys were in charge. if only we go ''well even if it's bad if wendy does it? or axe or whoever? Could Be Worse''#nothing to analyze in the [but at least it's not worse] dead end re: justification of Power Leveraging & minimization of its consequences#tl;dr just the victim blaming embraced everywhere & the idea that everything that Deviates from the Norm Too Ethically Mindedly#is just that veneer slapped on overtop of [haha but truly: the norm] like no but seriously we all know It's Not That Deep(tm)#even for the characters written to exercise this [my Extra Mile Ethics] trait regularly it's expressed as this Polite Addendum#to the [what's Really at play] normal. the And Enbies tacked on; that's that on that & it Is an extra veneer to the norm#prince asking if taylor's changing up their pronouns; no more Meant a red flag than him immediately shitting on winston i'm sure#yet yknow why tf suppose taylor more than anyone else would Change Pronouns. taylor who the series also only ever shows as being#misgendered As A Woman. whose drag / cisguise As A Woman is not treated in the same way a man's would be / is#whose emotive / expressive affect isn't either. billions like [the genders are m/f] to [perhaps also amab/afab] Tacked On#as something politely Extra you do to their face that doesn't actually change (threaten) your idea of what's just Normal & True#like it's normal & true that ugh god don't you hate the autistic people around you? don't you wish you could go sicko mode on them#so that they couldn't be around you anymore & they'd have brought it upon themself & really it was good of you b/c The Group Cohesion#thanks you & b/c you just gave them free ABA? yes yep Surely Unquestionably#problem isn't abuse & concomitant violation in & of itself. it's Bad to be someone that's done to. we will announce Exceptions#rest of you either you brought it upon yourself or you failed to Correct that you're not someone who inherently deserves it#that is: someone who just can & will Stop It if done to them. well so you see winston pushing back is ignored or treated to further#backlash & then he withdraws (expression of his experience / creation of a consequence which tells the other Stop Doing This)#&/or otherwise conveys displeasure / being hurt (same as before. ''uh well push back / express xyz'' ppl did & were steamrolled/ignored)
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I feel like such a broken fucking person lol
I talked way too much in the tags don't read them
#fighting off the ideation like my life depends on it!! bc it does!!!#been good about not thinking certain phrases but F U C K am i feeling it. i want to turn into a pile of dust#i am so desperately trying to work on myself and change my patterns and bad habits and perspective but it feels like i always fall short#i try not to talk about it online but I'm just. having a very hard day with N because we experience our feelings in different ways#i isolate myself bc i struggle with regulating my reactions and tones when im having an episode but she needs me to talk through things and#i sometimes just. can't. bc I'm not done experiencing the negativity and am not in a place to have a productive convo bc shame spirals etc#we just spent a long time talking and being patient and i thought i was understanding and explaining myself well but i just. idk.#i don't know how to explain that of course i love her even if I'm isolating myself. of course i love her although I'm nonverbal today. i jus#t can't *make* myself talk when I'm like this i don't want to be nonverbal i don't want to isolate i don't want to be a distant partner i do#n't want to fall back into these patterns related to my grief i want to be better i am trying to be better i am working so fucking hard on#being better. i just feel so defeated bc this all spiraled from me not wanting to decide what to get for lunch n using a poor tone about it#I'm about to talk with her some more but I just. kinda don't want to exist right now. fuck dude. it feels so fucking awful when i upset her#like i love her so much she is so important to me and it breaks my heart that our entire day is shot bc i was tired and cranky#i just don't understand how that equates to me not loving her bc she is my whole world dude. I'm going to throw up#i also don't know how to explain to her that scrolling on tumblr is comfortable to me I'm not ignoring her it's just the SM that i scroll on#like we're hanging out watching tv together I'm gonna scroll a little bit. it's just not insta or anything#idk my mind is scrambled I'm crying I just want to be a better person who can calmly communicate my thoughts and emotions#today has just beat my fucking ass dude. i isolate so those feelings don't get translated into my interactions with others#i don't even know what i typed in these tags I just don't want to off myself or think about it I'm fighting myself so much 2day#rAMbles
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Took you long enough.
#IGNORE THE FACT THAT THIS IS THE ONE CIRCUMSTANCE WHERE ALICE BEING DEAD IS UNIVERSALLY A BAD THING DESPITE IT ALL#ALSO THIS IS A WHILE BACK IN DOOFS REIGN HEHE#EXECUTION TW#NOT RLY V GOREY BUT I AM PROUD OF THE PERSPECTIVE#PHINEAS AND FERB#PNF#PNF DEITY AU#ACROSS THE SECOND DIMENSION#2ND DIMENSION DOOFENSHMIRTZ#HEINZ DOOFENSHMIRTZ#ALICE LUOJA#EXECUTION#GORETOBER#CANDY-ART
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I hate when Vincent asks Lucrecia if she's sure about proceeding with the experiment and she's all yelling "if it only concerns me then yes I'm sure!" And like BITCH IT DOES NOT JUST CONCERN YOU!!!! THATS FUCKING SEPHIROTH!!! HES GONNA HAVE A SHIT CHILDHOOD AND HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN AND TRY TO KILL EVERYONE!!!! THAT IS LIKE THE FARTHEST FROM JUST CONCERNING YOU!!!!!
#THIS ISNT EVEN A HINDSIGHT IS 20/20 ISSUE CUZ ITS A PLAIN FUCKING BAD IDEA FROM THE START#DOES SHE REALLY THINK LIKE THEY GO THROUGH WITH IT AND THEN SHE ALSO BE ALLOWED TO RAISE HIM IN A HAPPY LOVING FAMILY#BITCH YOU WORK FOR SHINRA!!!! YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING AWARE THATLL NEVER FUCKIN HAPPEN NOT EVEN FOR A SINGLE SECOND!!!#GOD I FUCKING HATE HER SO MUCH#VINCENT WHAT DO YOU SEE IN THIS WOMAN??? HES GOT BAD TASTE!! HE IGNORES RED FLAGS!#IM SORRY VINCE I LOVE YOU TO DEATH BUT YOURE ALSO KIND OF A FUCKING OBTUSE IDIOT!!!!!!#aita? nah ehs bro. ehs.#personal#anyway its funny to me that hojo calls vincent 'boy' even tho vince is 27 and hojo is 32 in the flashbacks.#like what are you calling him boy for??? hes not that much older than you. also id say 27 is too old to be calling someone boy unless youre#like. an elderly person. cuz 27 is still super young from that perspective
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when i was 17 and the school psychologist was so rubbish i genuinely believed id out-psycologisyed her by understanding her more than she understood me even though i never used the information
#i mean the bar was low enough that i might as well have#she was like really unsuited for it cause she was so convinced of her own perspective and way of seeing the world like it was universal#even though it was just small things she like couldnt see how id not see things the same way as her#and it wasnt like my opinions were even controversial or unusual or anything she was just really inflexible and rigid minded#and all she could do is lecture me on her own personal worldview on what priorities and stuff i should have#or just try to assign me to the closest page from her textbook that might remotely fit if you squinted and ignored everything I said#though even when I said I've got social anxiety she was useless so. not like her textbook provided any proper answers even when I was in it#the stuff she said back to me about me was literally so off like does she not understand the simple concept of doing her job and seeing thi#from my point of view#instead she just lectured me on brain chemistry like#actually she said she was thinking of going back and doing neuroscience I think she should if she hasn't already she'd probably#be a lot better at it#like she wasnt a rubbish person or an idiot or intentionally bad or anything but she was extremely aggravating#but memorable at least I suppose I always sort of hated her while also thinking as a person she was alright
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after a multiple day marathon i finally finshed for the first time the extended edition of lotr
i am not ok
#these movies were so good#flawed? yes#but compared to anything they make nowadays#the battles felt so real#the cgi LOOKED bad but you could feel the weight of the creatures#the tech was behind yet the designers put a lot more work into it#mostly because they didn’t have to create EVERYTHING in cgi and had more time for each individual task#imagine if we’d stayed on the path of these movies#instead of going the mcu way#or even the hobbit way#angie rants#ignore#lotr#lotr movies#also how 20 years change perspectives#eowyn ❤️
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I'm so tired and need to work but I just want to say how...relieving the process has been for me this few weeks or so of letting go of toxic people, making new friends, and reaching out and reconnecting with old friends. After being in a particularly shitty 'friendship' (it honestly felt more parasitical than anything sometimes), it was so weird to meet people who respect my boundaries and listened to what I had to say, rather than just use me to satisfy their own wants or needs. I'm still working on making sure I set and keep those boundaries up, but yeah. I'm glad I'm making progress.
#tempest talks#Mutuals i love you so much.#You know who you are. I love you so so so much. Thank you for bearing with me.#very long vent in tags:#I gave this toxic person a second chance because technically I had a friendship breakup with them once before.#But ultimately realized how unhappy I was talking to them#And how fundamentally different our ideologies were.#It's not to say people with different opinions can't be friends with each other.#But this person checked off so many of my personal 'red flags' and I just ignored them#because I felt bad about breaking up a relationship they seemed happy in#but spoiler alert: I was not happy in that relationship at all and it almost definitely wasn't healthy.#Ending that relationship was probably the best thing I could've done for myself.#And I'm so so so proud of myself for actually standing up for myself for once and getting myself out of a situation that made me unhappy.#Like this person is blocked from my blogs but if they're somehow reading this:#No I don't have regrets about ending our relationship. You have a lot of stuff you need to work through#and you really need to ask yourself how you view 'friends' and how you treat them.#Because from the perspective of one of your ex-friends: you are self-centered and do not give a flying fuck about your 'friends"#Correction: You do give a few fucks. But you're still self-centered and fail to listen to them when they set boundaries.#And you expect them to comfort you in a crisis when you offer the bare minimum back when they need help.#You also display a very concerning amount of ignorance when it comes to current events and history that is very important to acknowledge.#And yet for some reason you think you know better about the politics and injustices in my country than *me* a person living there?#All because you asked your parent? Who is also not from my country or living here???#You have a lot of privilege due to the way you were born. And you don't acknowledge it.#Anyway please stay off my blog thanks.#Yes this is loaded with salt#but I wish you the best with whatever you're up to now.#and I hope you learn and grow to be a better friend and human being in general.
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