#also if this made sense or not. I don't know. my eyes aren't focusing. anyways see yall later! hopefully

[luna-loveboop]

Twi just found out that in Lu he IS a type of Hero's shade for Wild

Spirit of older hero that comes and goes in wolf form yep sounds familiar

The main difference being that Hero's shade was there to train Twilight, whereas Wolfie was there to simply be there for Wild

Twilight is over here avoiding telling Time anything about Hero's Shade and then Wild comes up like "haha I totally met a dead version of you in wolf form that helped me"

Fun times when you meet everyone with the same spirit as you

.

Art by Jojo @linkeduniverse au :)))

[yxstxrdrxxm-a]

SYNOPSIS: Kazuha, a well-known tailor in Inazuma, had a spouse. It's only a shame that his spouse is known for their 'infidelity' in his eyes. [ songfic ]

TW/S: Yandere tendencies, stalking, minor and major character death/s, emotional manipulation in a way, gore, violence, fire/arson, sewing... questionable fabric, unreliable narrator, shifting POVs, dead dove: do not eat, dollification, delusional thinking, Kazuha progressively loses it till the end, beheading, oh God this fic and tws are long Im so sorry―

NOTE: During the fic, it is recommended to listen to "The Tailor of Enbizaka". It will make sense when you read through this fic :)

(also, I apologize if this took a while for me to write. I got busy and writer's block hit me :( anyways, second work and its the best boy! Though, I hope you all don't blame me for fucking him up. Also also!! This is very much a long, LONG fic— like 2k+ long, so 🫡 gl soldier, I'll see if I don't need to make this to a 2 part series)

(update: this fic took 6k words, good luck y'all, this one is a WILD ride)

In Inazuma, there is a tale that is shared by many about a crimson clad man and his lover.

The others never settled on what he looked during the day before his death, nor were they sure what his prior job was before he became a tailor. However, they always complimented him for his looks and his skill, knowing that whatever he used as his own special fabric would be tailored and taken care of well.

Even with one full of holes and tears, he is gifted with the ability to patch them up till it was brand new. In the village he lived in, he was regarded for having such a talent, and he had his shop open and full of visitors.

However, the only thing that made people question him was his behavior. Despite how mild-manner the tailor was, he often comments on how his beloved darling refused to come home and continues to cheat on him.

Many those that still lived during the time said the crimson-eyed tailor acted delusional, but just how far can those delusions go?

No one knows but the man himself... And the one who persecuted him, too.

It was that year since I've seen my beloved after the accident.

A year that, when I saw them, I've longed to see them and speak to them about our time together as a married couple.

To begin with, I am Kaedehara Kazuha, or― as the townsfolk here call me, the 'Crimson-Eyed Tailor'. Although I am highly regarded for my craftsmanship, many told me that I am odd for my adoration for my beloved maple.

Why is it that odd? I thought all married couples do this, even if some think that it feels off.

Besides that, however, my darling isn't quite aware of my... Endeavors. More specifically, their streak of getting out for hours, perhaps days and weeks, and not even coming around to speak to me.

I am bound to them by an oath when we were married: we both drank sake together under that faithful light of the moon, with only nature watching over us. However, it would seem as if they have forgotten that, and ended up cheating on me in broad daylight.

Like they had no such shame.

Alas, I am but their husband, and I can't simply get mad at my beloved spouse. I know they did no wrong, for they sometimes meet with others as an act of being 'friendly'.

So while I focused on fixing the kimono, I've began to hear something that had been passed around in the village.

Something related to my darling's little ventures.

"I have spoken to [Name] about the matters in their marriage recently," one of the ladies spoke, her voice not so soft enough to conceal who she was speaking about as I fixed the fabric in my hands.

"And from what they told me, they're getting their kimono fixed for when their lover returns home!"

I simply continued on sewing, but the lady's next words had me flinch.

"Ah, they've been married for years, aren't they? And it seems they even have their shiromuku ever since their marriage to sir Kamisato Ayato. How romantic!"

...

The blood continues to spill on my finger, with the needle that I used pricking it when I've lost focus and got too careless.

How uncouth.

From the tale shared by the folks of Narukami Island, they talked about the crimson-eyed tailor's marriage with his supposed 'spouse': an immigrant of sorts from Fontaine, traversing to Inazuma to meet with their lover.

Their relationship together is strange. From the accounts of those with prying eyes, they said that he was the only one putting an effort to their relationship, and they wished to take it slow.

However, there are those that disagreed, saying that it had been the other way around— and it was he who wished for them to slow down.

No one can decide what the tailor had done, for they can't even tell if his desires were to rush or to slow down. But what can be confirmed is one thing everyone kept saying.

He doesn't like his trust being broken.

It had been days after hearing what I did.

I hadn't seen my dearest beloved in those days, and the day I saw them had been when the heir of the Kamisato clan had returned.

I had been busy as ever in sewing till I realized that I'm running out of thread. I don't have any spares, and I'm well aware that there are a few shops that sell supplies for sewing.

And so, on a lazy afternoon, I've got out of my shop in the hopes that I can catch the store to buy the supplies I needed.

The soft sound of wood hitting the pavement greeted my ears, alongside hushed murmuring and discussing with the commonfolk. I greeted a few that noticed me in passing, but they were swift to return to the people they were speaking to prior.

It was a mundane thing, really. But it was the type that felt familiar.

Turning a few corners, I managed to locate the shop I was looking for. Walking up the stairs, I waved at the lady taking care of the store—

—not before my ears perked up at the soft chattering in the distance.

My eyes trailed over to the source, and then, I see them.

My beloved maple.

I saw that they were conversing with the heir of the Kamisato clan, his hand reaching over to hand them a small gift: a small box, with the ribbon being the color of purple. I spot the gleam of gold on top of the ribbon, which eludes me to think that it is the insigna of the clan crested in gold.

How tacky.

I had to hold back the urge to stop them as their conversation was hard to discern, my focus back on the woman running the shop with the supplies I require.

"Hello, madame," I greeted, making the woman smile and nod in greeting as well. "Do you need fabric again, Kaedehara?"

I chuckled, but it was only to mask the bits of instability in my voice.

"Oh, not fabric, madame. I simply desire thread. I have ran out of red and black, and I didn't want to delay the commission I had from monsieur Lyney. Do you have any right now?"

"Red and black thread, hm? I can check at the back. Please give me a moment to look."

With a bow, the seamstress turned around to leave. With that, I let go of the breath I held and turned my gaze back to the bridge, just a few ways away from where my beloved sunset was at.

Watching the two figures, I couldn't help but simply stared at the attire that the heir wore.

Montsuki Haori Hakama: that usually means black or gray. I've known that colored kimonos were not worn with this in mind, and he certainly didn't wore anything that would be too straining.

Still, that shade of black is made of high quality. I'm not surprised if he wore it so rarely, as though to preserve the detail and its intricate work from his very own seamstress.

...

I wonder if I can take it?

Watching the two descend from the bridge, my eyes wandered back to the lady as she returned with the spools of thread, all varying in degrees of color and quality.

"Here you are, Kaedehara! These are the best I can find that fit the colors you asked for."

My eyes twinkled as I took the spools to my hands, my fingers turning and nudging the thread to see just how strong it is.

Interesting. Good quality, too... Maybe I can use this to finish that outfit I've been saving for a while.

"Thank you, madame," I thanked her, making her laugh. "Oh, it's not a problem, Kaedehara! You've done so much for this little town of ours, this is but a simple thing to repay for your efforts!"

With a nod, I paid the seamstress and turned back down to descend from the bustling upper part of the town, the sight of what happened in the bridge a bit further away bothering me from within.

No matter, Kazuha, I mused, carrying the items I required as I felt myself walk back home. Even if you want to get rid of him, it will be much too complicated. You simply need to be patient and wait till the opportunity comes.

...

Although, whoever made his clothes... I wonder if I can speak to them to inquire about their techniques.

The first case that started this was a cold one.

One that is related to a person no one knew so highly about, be it by their background, appearance, and even their name. All they were known for is being the 'tailor' for one of the clans.

There had been a lack of evidence and information about this due to how many tailors had been requested all across Inazuma at the time. It was understandable that people chalked up to them being missing as nothing more than an unfortunate case, not one worthy of being dug into.

Others had suspected that it had been associated with something else, that something (or someone) had done this deliberately. There was no evidence to this, but their claims were loud as they were bold, making it difficult to ascertain its authenticity.

However, the masses have all agreed that this was a normal occurrence. It was not one worth noting, because there had been a lot more that spoke of the same tale, always eluding to their fate being that they were murdered.

It was, unfortunately, the 'norm' of the village in the legend. A norm that, if the people of Inazuma heard it today, would have turned their heads in disgust for how abhorrent it sounds.

Still, many remained curious of the biggest what if that seem to echo in their mind.

Was the tailor associated with his sins?

The Kamisato clan has had it's ups and downs, and it isn't strange to see that they were seeking out talented tailors and workers to work under them.

What was surprising (to everyone), however, was that the head of the clan hired me to work as the Kamisato Clan's personal tailor.

The reasoning behind it was quite simple, especially with what the heir spoke to me when he and I met in the morning when I was to be summoned in the estate— due to his personal tailor (a family friend, he said) going missing for days, they were unable to track down his whereabouts and presumed that he has gone missing.

I was only hired as a "replacement" for the clan's special tailor till then, and he made it extremely clear that there was nothing else to it. Nothing that would spell the fact that I will permanently stay in that position.

Of course, to many, this may sound as an odd deal. There are so many tailors such as myself that would die to be consulted on, to work as the head of the clan's seamstress and work for their outfits. And perhaps, in their naivety, they may consider it as their efforts finally paying off in some way.

However, I have been in a clan myself before. This is nothing more if not a business deal.

A deal between one rising clan, and one whose surname has lost it's widely known heritage.

This only benefits the Kamisato Clan in the effort to save face. To save face of the potential backlash they'll deal with should any information of the missing clan's tailor be brought to light to everyone who remain blissfully ignorant of the innerworkings of the clan.

I would normally deny this kind of offer, mostly because there is no benefit for me to join and work for them. However, times have changed, and I simply reconsidered denying Kamisato Ayato's offer.

... There is a few benefits to me joining. It may be minimal, but it is better than scrounging around in the dark.

And so, I agreed to the offer.

The arrangements set for me to move was quite swift. I'm aware that that he is a man of his word, so it was quite easy for us to prepare my living arrangements and move to the estate.

With the supplies I get from the clan, it's been easy to stay put and gather information to the person I'm targeting.

... That was, until that day came.

I remember it clearly: it was the ends of fall, where the maple leaves fell more and more around the estate's grounds. This usually signified the coming of winter, so I usually savor the season by having time off to admire the scenery.

And in one of my walks, I had travelled from outside of the estate to see if things have changed.

Which, to my luck, I've encountered my darling beloved.

But just like last time, they were not alone.

In the journey of my wandering, I have seen them speak to the sibling of the older heir, Kamisato Ayaka, as they sit on the table outside of the Komore Teahouse.

From how far I am to the entrance of the teahouse, it gives me enough space to watch them interact like friends. The way that the Himegimi raised her fan to cover her face, perhaps from her eyes crinkling in amusement from what they told her...

... It was intriguing. Very intriguing.

So much so that I've felt the claws of envy grip in my chest, clutching its metal nails and making punctures on my already bleeding heart.

What a nuisance. Must you hurt me like this, darling?

I can hardly remember what happened after that. After all, my focus had been set on the two speaking to each other like they were simply companions, unknowing of what fate may bring upon them.

...

"Oh? Kazuha! I didn't notice you came to the Teahouse as well!"

My attention was swiftly pulled away from the sight of my dearest gem, and it landed on the familiar sight of olive eyes. From the appearance alone, many wouldn't think that an immigrant of Mondstadt would be a fixer.

Not even I would be able to see it happen.

However, this man had the skills to prove of his worth— after all, being Inazuma's 'fixer', he's often the go-to man to fix any and every problem that the Narukami Island and others may face.

Which makes him a glass canon— one that is volatile and unpredictable, even under the guise of a friendly face.

That is what Thoma is.

But this "glass cannon" has his weakness, and I know how to use it to my advantage.

Letting a smile slip to my lips, I chuckled, raising my hand to cover my mouth. "Well, I've been foretold by others about Komore Teahouse and it's history. I've been meaning to visit it, but I'm so busy fixing kimonos and making them to have time to spare."

A white lie, but then again, there are many of those that have been foretold in the waking of this world.

What does adding one do at this point? I'm already damned by the heavens the day I've seen the 'truth' of this fate of mine.

Just one lie wouldn't hurt, right?

"Haha, I can't blame you," the taller blonde seem to answer my query with his own, albeit he did seem to look more like he was at ease. Still, I needed to be weary; he can change sides if he so much as sensed that something is wrong.

"After all, with what the missing tailor in the clan circulating around the others in the estate, I'm even surprised that you manage to fill up in their position for months!"

... Oh? So he's noticed my talents, hm?

I shook my head.

"Oh, please. I'm just a humble tailor, Thoma," I reasoned, letting out a heavy sigh. "I have thought of asking them for advice on how they do their work, but since they're missing, all I can do is substitute for their absence."

He gave me an apologetic smile and nodded.

"That is true... I guess I'm just a bit too ecstatic to finally have someone that can fill in their role seamlessly. Lord Kamisato Ayato would've been panicking if we didn't have a replacement soon for his anniversary with his spouse."

... Spouse, huh?

"Hm... Is that so?"

I frowned in thought as I ponder over wanting to... Ask him for a favor. Sure, this one wouldn't do well on one's conscious mind if they knew, but it was simply for their sake.

It was all for them. I knew that.

It wouldn't hurt anyone if I asked Thoma to do this for me. At least, while I still have the chance to do so.

I can only hope the cannon does not think of shooting it's shot to me if I slipped up.

"Speaking of, Thoma, may I ask you for a favor?"

After the first missing case of the tailor, there had been more that were reported. The victims were all varied in their appearance, age, and even from where they used to live, be it in Narukami Island or even outside of Inazuma itself.

It was difficult to tell how many there were exactly, especially with how the legend is interpreted. Some said it was 20, while others said it was 50. This legend has been passed mouth to mouth, so details were not a key figure for a few to remember well.

However, every iteration has the same detail. The victims all had the same similarity as the tailor that simply went "missing".

All of them, in some way, were associated with certain individuals— one of them being his maple, where a few commented that they were the apple of the crimson man's eye.

From the legend and how it has been told, it is safe to assume that the motive was obvious from the first missing case.

It is akin of an open secret, if said secret was twisted to fit his ideals.

"Haven't you heard?"

"What? What is it?"

"The fixer, Thoma… He went missing just few days ago."

"What!?"

…

Ah, so he went missing like the others?

My ears had perked up at the news that we were told. Although Thoma is one many people never thought of being a 'target', the fact he went missing is... Odd.

"Perhaps he had done something," I heard one of the servants whisper amongst themselves, looking rather cautious. "After all, he's been very privy on a few things..."

"Yes, but he isn't the person I'd expect to vanish like that—"

"Shh—! People are going to hear you, you know! Keep it down!"

Hearing their footsteps echo as they take their leave, I turned back to what I have been working on. The sight of the kimono graced my vision as I raised the needle.

I began to sew the tears on it, letting out a soft hum while I fixed the black fabric from it's horrible state.

Slip, stitch, cut, sew.

Slip, stitch, cut, sew.

Slip, stitch, cut—

"Sir Kaedehara? Someone is looking for you."

...!

I felt the needle prick my finger, but I didn't say anything. With a quiet hum, I raised my head to see someone speak to me, their face grim as they shifted on their feet.

Ah.

Despite the feeling of blood pour onto the fabric, I smiled and nodded, putting down the fabric of the kimono I was fixing.

"I'll be right there. Please tell them to wait for me."

"Really? Oh, thank Archons. I'll get going."

Watching them take their leave, my eyes flit over to my scissors.

Still as sharp as ever, I mused, pushing myself to stand up before fixing my attire. Mayhaps today won't need it to be sharpened.

For now, I had to see what the client wants from me. It would simply be a shame if I leave them alone for far, far too long.

Mayhaps they're here to inquire about the kimono I made. I made sure to add my personal touch to it.

...

As I walked to where my client sought to look for me, I see a familiar sight befell in the grounds of the Kamisato Estate.

The himegimi is currently speaking to my betrothed like they are close companions, and the magician (Lyney was his name, I recall), had been listening to their discussion at hand.

His eyes seem to lit up when he saw me, offering me a welcoming grin.

"You must be the tailor that my sister assigned, aren't you?" he asked when I was close enough to hear him, making me chuckle. Taking a seat across, I simply nodded, keeping my professional smile and demeanor in fear of offending him.

"Indeed, I am that tailor. My name is Kaedehara Kazuha, it is a pleasure to meet you."

"Haha, please, the pleasure is all mine!"

The magician shook my hand with mine, and the meeting went as smoothly as one may expect. Although, I couldn't help but let my eyes wander sometimes to where my lover is.

You were speaking to Ayaka like she's a friend of yours. I shan't stop you, darling, but perhaps you aren't aware of the pain you put me through.

Still, I couldn't afford to raise my voice, nor can I think of hurting you with my actions.

How unfortunate. Mayhaps I need to teach you a lesson myself, my angel.

If there was one thing that the legend failed to elaborate, it is the state of the missing people. However, there were... Creative liberties to those that began to see if the legend was true; or, pray tell, associated with any real life events.

To the eyes of others, going missing is a serious deal. It sparks a lot of ideas for what could've happened to them, and especially if they are alive or dead.

Albeit many shrugged off the prior cases, this one was serious. After all, the one that went 'missing' is the fixer of Narukami Island— Thoma, the immigrant in the nation of lightning.

It is, after all, what sparked the eventual downfall of the crimson-eyed tailor and his beloved. Many had thought this was the turning point, but those that did were found to be wrong.

This, after all, was simply the beginning of such downfall. But it wasn't to his lover, the missing residents, or even his companions.

It was to himself, when he used the blades to commit a sin undeserving of forgiveness.

The news that brought upon the missing Himegimi greeted the Kamisato estate that day.

I remember how people were in a disarray. They were much more shaken as they tried to get any sort of lead to where she is, and for some, they were already thinking of quitting.

The estate is already shaken from when Thoma went missing, but now that the young heiress has up and disappeared— especially in winter— it was in chaos.

While I sew the kimonos handed to me, there was an obi that laid on the pile by my right. It was a bit worn, but it can still be saved.

I needed to fix it, and give it my own personal touch. That way, it wouldn't look as though it had been abandoned by it's past owner.

Alas, the noise is getting to me. I could feel the silk resting on my bandaged hand slip every once in a while, if it weren't for how tight I've been holding the fabric.

Slip, stitch, cut, sew.

Slip, stitch, cut, sew.

I needed to put my focus on what I'm doing. I needed to focus on the job.

Slip, stitch, cut, sew.

Slip, stitch, cut, sew.

I mustn't let blood nor dirt stain my creations.

That is what my mother taught me.

Slip, stitch, cut, sew.

Slip, stitch, cut, se—

"I apologize if the estate is in a disarray, detective," I hear a familiar voice speak amongst the hushed and panicked whispers. "The estate hasn't been the same ever since my retainer and my younger sibling had gone missing."

"Oh, it's alright! I'm sure this matter is too serious for you and the others to keep things organized."

"Haha... You can say that it is. Now, it's just right this way..."

... A detective is in the estate. How curious.

It wasn't right to snoop, but I was curious. Curious enough to have finished the kimono I was fixing before I stood to leave my quarters.

The others paid no heed as I followed after the two to Ayato's room, too focused to do what they were assigned to even bat an eye when I got close to where they were heading.

It was only when they were inside that I've stopped and simply bid my time, my focus set on what was happening by the shoji leading to his office. And it didn't took long till I hear things from the other side.

"Ah, so you think that someone is out for you?"

"Yes. Although I am normally adept in figuring out who it could be that's causing this to happen, I can't put heads or tails with how their presence eludes me."

"Man alive... And you said that it started when they went missing?"

"... Yes, detective."

"I see... Man alive, that sounds like it wasn't just a single, one-off case, then. I can help you, but this will take a while if there's no leads."

"I see. It's fine, detective. I'll pay you enough when you figure out where my retainer and sister are. I could hardly think that someone would take them without such consequence."

"Oh, no worries. With me around, no criminal will get out unscathed— I'll make sure to bring them here when I figure out who did this."

...

I see.

Perhaps its about time I have to settle this with him.

There was a time where I have thought that things will change.

Where these cases will be laid forgotten, perhaps even unresolved with the lack of hints.

I spent weeks on end, keeping my tracks short and erasing any leads that can lead towards me again.

I spent so, so long trying so desperately to hide anything resembling my crimes.

But alas... He found me.

It was the time where I had to dispose of those bodies. Although I had no heart to bury them under nature, I was not above treating them as though they were simply people.

Even in death, I wanted to make them feel like they look peaceful. Although, perhaps simply sewing their wounds left by my scissors was not something I can treat.

In the middle of the night, I was carrying the Himegimi outside of the abandoned houses I tend to with her retainer, Thoma. I had thought of letting her rest someplace else. Her attire has been sullied, and I needed to keep the two somewhere where no one can find them.

Corpses rot over time, and if it was possible, letting them turn to nothing in the likes of Tsurumi Island will be enough for my weary heart to rest.

With how adept I am of keeping my tracks hidden, I had thought no one would be able to tail on me. But alas, due to the missing cases I've caused, perhaps I wasn't expecting this to happen.

"I knew you'd be here, Kaedehara Kazuha."

I simply paused upon hearing his voice, my head craning back to see that it was Ayato. Despite how composed he looks, I can tell that the nights he spent trying to search for his beloved sibling and retainer wore him down.

His once flawless appearance was nothing but sullied, his attire feeling like its simply hanging off of him, and the way he staggered while looking at me without a shred of restrain is new. Raw for such a heir.

"And that body..." he murmured, his eyes glaring daggers when he found out who it was.

Perhaps it's her dress that makes her recognizable. Or the hair.

"... I thought I've erased everything that can lead back to me," I spoke, sighing as I placed Ayaka's body down. "What a shame. I was quite close to erasing any traces and signs of their whereabouts. It would be nice to only have them be marked as 'missing', not dead."

"So... You admit to it, then?" the heir asked, walking over with stride. "That you have done this, Kaedehara?"

I simply said nothing.

And I knew that was enough of a confirmation for him.

"I knew something was wrong with you," I heard him speak, which caught my attention. Turning my body to finally face him, I watched as he scoffed and continued, "After all, a man as serene as you often had the worst to hide."

"Oh? How curious. Why would you say that?"

I saw his lips curl to a smile.

"Why, I had someone tail after you," he answered, his tone sounding so blunt and his demeanor became more like he's simply 'teaching' me something. "Someone that is associated with the clan. I'm sure you know who it is."

... How uncouth.

"I see... And you confronted me now? For what?"

"A duel."

He unsheathed his blade, and raised it towards my direction.

"I do not usually participate in these, but I'd like to honor your tradition. If I win, you turn yourself in to the Tenryou Commission. Confess all of your crimes, and we shall call it even."

"... Very well."

I raised my own blade, as a sign to his own.

"I needn't state my own terms if I lose, as I can't let you get out alive. Now, let us settle this matter... To each of our graves."

Usually, such details cannot be recreated from interpretation alone.

However, this one was the few exceptions to it's inevitable fate due to it's popularity.

The legend had focused on keeping the existence and ties of the Crimson-Eyed Tailor up for the listener's interpretation. This scene, however, was directly associated to a case that had been tackled many years ago.

The case went as such: each resident of a town goes missing each week. No one knows when it happens, as the day is often random. The victims of these disappearances are also random, so no one could derive from it being a 'pattern'.

No matter how young or old one is, their gender, their living conditions, and even their past... When they least expect it, they simply vanish. Erased.

The only times where the victim was found, several eye-witnesses had different iterations. Some said that the bodies were buried, while others found it floating by riverbanks and the side of the sea.

But the most common— and widely known, of course— was that each victim were made to a doll.

Their limbs were nothing if not sewn with thread, cuts of various degrees being patched with thread of similar color to 'mask' it's oddity. Their eyes were closed, but those that were unfortunate to open it were only greeted with it being turned to the back of their heads.

In some victims, several pieces of their possession were taken. However, most kept theirs on their person, and were seen to not be tampered with.

No one knows what drove someone to this degree. No one can even comprehend such a fact that it was entirely possible.

But to someone who's mind was twisted to the point of no return... It was.

This case had a name, but every resident of Inazuma refused to speak of it. Each time one does, they were told of the legend behind this case.

They were told of the Crimson-Eyed Tailor, and they were warned of one thing.

"Do not look at him or his betrothed. If you do, you're as good as dead."

...

It had been a year since our fight happened.

I remember the chaos that occurred back when I finally erased that man. Although it did left his body in an undesirable state, I still fixed and sew him up so that he didn't look as such.

Even in death, I wish to give the heir some form of dignity. That, in some way, I wish to give him his final respects.

After all, he had simply misunderstood my intentions. He didn't knew that I was out for one person from the very beginning.

The downfall of the Kamisato Clan was imminent at that point. I've seen many flee, and witnessed the tragedy befall on the Narukami Island. Many of the people I've met had simply ran off to seek refuge, the terror grasping and choking them like they were unable to think.

However, I remain clear. And I simply continued to do my work diligently.

I have been working on something... Special. And with one last snip of my bloodied scissors, it was now complete.

My final and life-long work, all laid across and now in my hands. The fabric I chose was rather difficult to sew. I should have known that human skin would be too hard, depending on where I retrieved it from.

Dying it in black, I wrapped the obi that had been sewn with the use of the Himegimi's locks, and retrieved the crest of the Kamisato Clan. Adorning it on my person, I viewed myself at the mirror to see my handiwork.

"Finally," I murmured, feeling an odd sensation in my chest as I wore the fruits of my labor. "It is now complete."

With the chaos guiding me and masking my presence, I fled to head by the mountain.

I knew where you were bound to go.

I knew of your crimes long before you knew me.

I didn't paid much attention if anyone saw me. I didn't care if blood simply poured from my attire and to the ground that I'm walking on. I could hardly give a damn if some realized of my crimes in that blasted estate.

I had my scissors with me, and I only wish to fulfill my last wish before I leave this cursed world.

You murdered my family, [Name].

You were the one who caused that fire all those years ago.

I remember those burns you gave me. I remember just how much of a coward you were, fleeing from the scene you caused yourself.

How could I lose everything? And how can you keep your family?

No. No, that mustn't happen. I must set this right.

As your 'lover', I'll make sure you understand what you did wrong.

The culprit of the legend was caught, at least by the end.

All of the townsfolk had banded over to help the detective figure out who had caused such a stir, and it was only because of one eye-witness that said everything. That simply told the truth of the man behind it all.

It was the Crimson-Eyed Tailor, the one who was gripped with envy, that caused such a massacre to occur.

When they found what became of the last victim, his 'lover', they became a doll of his own. After killing them, the legend proceeded to speak of how he had simply 'sown' their skin alongside his, making them his perfect beloved doll.

One of the iterations even mentioned that his unnamed lover was in a Shiromuku outfit, eyes gouged so they may "never look at another man". At least, from what the tale has concluded.

Because of the severity of his crime, the tailor was sent to be on his death row. When the detective tried to get information out of him, they found out that he has lost his mind.

He became a shell of the brilliant man they knew, laughing and speaking that he has finally fulfilled his desire.

Even when he was dragged onto the guillotine, that day was marked as the end of the massacre, and those who were alive spoke of the man's chilling laughter up until his head was cut off.

...

And that was the end of the "Crimson-Eyed Tailor" and his legend.

Or, more accurately, the history of the known "Dead Man's Heart" case, and how Kaedehara Kazuha murdered the one he "loved" for revenge.

@.throw-letter-away | do not republish or repost my works anywhere | 2023

[mins-fins]

missa solemnis

&&. it's not everyday that you waltz with the prince that wants to rip out your tongue, but life is just full of surprises.

pairing: lee donghyuck x m!reader

genre: fairly random really, royalty au, enemies(?) to lovers

warnings: explicit language, reader and hyuck threaten each other the whole time, reader and hyuck both suck so bad but they both want each other so bad

word count: 1k

notes: this whole thing is just one scene from a bigger thing i wrote during the christmas break that i scrapped because i didn't think people would read it.. also because i'm not very good when it comes to writing people as enemies, also it was HORRIBLE i almost throw up every time i even glance at that mess 😞 anyway to celebrate nct dream reincarnation royal au i decided to just take this chunk and edit it so now at least it makes a little more sense 😭?? not my best writing truly but prince hyuck has not left my mind, i need to start writing more royal aus

"if i didn't know better, i'd think you wanted to kiss me right now".

there's a taunting tone in your voice that makes donghyuck glare, but he still doesn't get distracted, keeping up the same momentum he's had since you two began dancing no more than a few minutes ago.

there's a few good reasons you assumed he wanted to kiss you, mainly the direct contact he was making with your lips, he looked like he was about to move forward and connect his lips with yours with absolutely no shame, no regard for his reputation, his soon-to-be-wife, or his supposed "hatred" of you.

"you are an absolute moron".

"aren't i correct?"

donghyuck's poker face doesn't falter, no matter how much you tried to get a smile out of him with idiotic comments or jokes. "nope, wrong as always".

you hum at the princes response, somehow able to stay focused on waltzing as the two of you made your way around in a circle. donghyuck will never understand your way of easily multitasking, how you were somehow able to focus on annoying the absolute shit out of him as well as focus on not stepping on his foot at all.

he has to give it to you (begrudgingly though), it's impressive.

"so what is it then, your highness? you were just staring at my lips because you were bored? lost in your head?"

donghyuck's grip on your hand tightens at the sound of you using his title in such a mocking manner, oh he hates you, he hates you so much that if he had to choose, he'd rather kill you himself then have someone else do it.

you piss him off so much, your words piss him off so much, he wants to punch you, he wants to set you on fire and watch you burn, he wants to so badly stomp you into the ground and watch you suffer—

but holy shit you are absolutely gorgeous.

donghyuck can't even deny it, even with how much denial courses through his veins about topics such as this, anyone with two functioning eyes could see that you are just such a work of art. donghyuck can't even blame all the women that flock to the gates of your palace, hoping to score just one date with you.

"i was too busy thinking about the several torture methods that i could put you through".

"ah i am so hurt, you don't love me sweetheart?"

donghyuck has to use every single bit of patience remaining in his body to not step on your foot and leave you in pain on the dance floor.

the only reason he was dancing with you in the first place was because of a promise he made to his mother, his fiancée was off doing something else, gossiping with the servants, he assumes, she did always enjoy that, a favorite activity of hers that he's learned about from observing.

a dance like this should truly only be preserved for lovers, people who can stand each other, a pair who, with all things considered, won't bicker whilst they were supposed to be focusing on the music.

you two, with all things considered, are an example of everything opposite of that, you can't stand each other, you bicker all the time, and you are truly the furthest thing from lovers.

"call me that again and next time your head won't be attached to your body".

"i like to think you threaten me because you love me".

donghyuck snorts, finally, and you felt a surge of pride in your chest, you'd gotten a smile out of him. "your mind must be the messiest place ever.." he resorts to muttering, not knowing what other specific threats he could tell you. "an idiotic one too, do you ever think clearly? logically?"

you hum, displaying a lack of offense at the words. instead, you just lean closer, the distance between you two minimizing. "i only think about you, sweetheart".

a scoff leaves the prince's lips, he's absolutely done with you, but there's still a good minute left to the song, meaning there's still a good minute of you two waltzing in this ballroom left.

"i just cannot wait for this to be over.."

"you don't say!"

your enthusiasm pisses off donghyuck, but he doesn't step on your foot like he wanted, instead pulling you forward harshly, causing for a yelp of surprise to escape your lips. his arm remains around your waist, ensuring that you won't fall, but you two do bump foreheads.

"jesus! are you crazy!?"

there is absolutely no reason for you two to be pressed this close, your fingers still very much intertwined, just one trip up and your lips would touch.

you wonder in your head if donghyuck is slowly regretting his brash decision.

"what? you don't know how to waltz anymore?"

you always find a way to jab at him, comment on something he did, joke about a little things that you knew got under his skin.

oh lee donghyuck absolutely despises you.

that doesn't explain why he still clearly wants to kiss you, though.

"you're just—" he pauses in the middle of his sentence, suddenly very interested in your facial features, features that he could now clearly see up close. "a moron, an idiot".

"as you've said before".

donghyuck doesn't respond anymore after that, the song isn't even done, a good 25 seconds left before it's ending, but donghyuck was clearly done, as he pushed you away, taking in a breath.

"that's enough of you, have a good night your highness".

the words leave his tongue bitterly, his glare is less of a genuine one and more full of mixed emotions, but he doesn't give you any more time to stare at him, just turns around and walks in the direction of his fiancée.

you watch him walk away, and he doesn't make an effort to even save you one final glance.

the song isn't even over yet.

but he's done, very done.

[emelinstriker]

Hey hi its the high dream anon again. I was curious if you put any thought into what Mei, piggy and them would be doing during esau or if they're in it, cause man, I had a dream about it and it made me cry cause angst, but I wanted to know if you had any thoughts before I shared

Okay so- I haven't really gotten to the point of expanding more on the side of the non-servants since the servants aren't even really done yet tbh- DBK and PIF would also still need some more expansion on their angst about Red Son's disappearance.

But I do have some angst in store in terms of the timeframe of Wukong bringing MK to the palace and how his friends reacted... c:

So basically, you know how MK and the others traveled to Flower Fruit Mountain to give Monkey King his staff back so he could fight the Demon Bull King? The moment where he's separated from the others and they thought he died is when MK was first fully introduced to the blue champion. Their first meeting is most definitely more different though than in the show. Sadly not as comedic fhgnfhg He also did wake up from the crash with some odd pain in his back. But it felt rather mild at first.

Anyway, after the first DBK battle and all that, the moment where Monkey King basically sealed up part of MK's powers is when he was infected. This did seal up part of his powers as planned, but not exactly like in the show. Instead, this is why ESAU!MK is such a landmine and seems to be docile, before snapping in an instant, and turning docile again. Monkey King's power only seemed to enhance MK's sudden jump in emotions, between seemingly being mentally in another world or having a sudden emotional spike aimed aimed at someone or something.

And a bit after the entire battle with the Demon Bull Family, MK just suddenly... disappeared. He already seemed a bit off during the battle, and even somewhat back when he first met the void-black eyed monkey, but then he simply went missing.

His friends got really worried and have been trying to look all over Megapolis for him, but he just seemed to have disappeared without a trace. There wasn't even a single sign of him ever having returned to his room afterwards.

It's unclear what all they've tried doing to find out where he is and most likely save him and bring him back since it felt more like he was taken away by some force. But there was indeed heartbreak, anxiety, as well as hope and a bit of lack thereof through the desperate search for the noodle delivery boy.

They didn't want to believe they've lost him just like that. They never even had any confirmation on whether or not he died, so Mei would've probably been the one to assume he got kidnapped.

And only a long while after that did they see MK again. Now as a monkey in yellow armor and void-black eyes, just like Wukong.

Mostly seeming emotionless, not remembering them. His friends.

And worst of all is that they don't know if they can even help him. Especially after he disappeared as quickly as he showed up, only having been looking for something to retrieve. Which just made them feel all the more helpless.

But he seemed to be in a form of trance with how emotionless and non-reactive he was acting while looking for something. So Tang was theorizing MK might be possessed by a monkey demon. Mei even tried grabbing him at one point to try stop him from ignoring her and he didn't seem bothered by it and just carried on with his mission he was focused on.

However, after the noodle boy disappeared, there wasn't much they could do. They didn't even know how to "bring him back to his senses" due to how they've never seen him or anyone in such a condition..

If there's typos or anythin like that- oop- but my brain is scrambled it's almost 11pm I'mma sleep now gn8 fhgnfghfnhgfg specifically only colored MK's name at the point of him already being an official servant. Same with only Wukong's name since he doesn't remember his name/title as Monkey King and therefor doesn't really associate with it.

[elacular-kink]

Poly-techhic 3: Maya Learns

Today we'll be going back in time to see how Maya learned about Susanna's fetish and started dating her. This does have hiccups, but not a whole lot, and it's more on the feelingsy, story-y type side. I've written one 3.5 that's all feelings, so hopefully I'll write another 3.5 that's all hiccups later. We'll see.

Character Sheet

TW: Inebriation, Gender?, Anger, Emotional meltdown, Self-loathing, Kink anxiety

Kinks: Hiccups (Relatively small amount), inebriation

"Blaaaaaa-aaagh!" I threw myself into the backseat of Olivia's car along with my half-asleep, hiccuping, drunk teammate. I was halfway drunk myself, which was one of the many reasons I wasn't driving us home from the away game, but I was sober enough to make sure Kaeligh's ass was belted in, at least. I was also sober enough to be in a bad mood. "Hey, Liv! Anyone ever tell you your girlfriend's a real pain in the dick?"

"She's not my girlfriend, but yeah."

I let Kaeligh lean on me and drool on my shoulder while I pouted. "I don't get you two."

"We don't get you either, Maya," Liv said, completely focused on the road even though she hadn't started driving yet.

"How come she's not riding home with us anyway?"

The ancient minivan grumbled as Liv shifted it out of park. I couldn't believe that anyone in our goddamn college actually knew how to drive stick, much less owned one of the fuckers. "Because she's riding back home with Charlie."

I rolled my eyes and made a jerk-off motion. "You know that's not what the fuck I meant, Liv. Seriously, I don't understand Susie at all. I get you. You make sense. And when you don't make sense, I can just have you explain shit."

"More people should be like that," she said, and even though I was too grumpy to say it out loud, I agreed with her. "Susanna doesn't make understanding her easy. She never has. What's specifically annoying you about her right now? Was it when she told the other team's three that if she smoked around me she'd break her bong over her head?"

I snorted. "Nah, that was hilarious. It's just...she's so fucking mysterious and weird and stupid about the most random shit! Like, I don't think she's fishing for compliments, not on purpose, so why the fuck does she keep saying she sucks at rugby?"

"Because she's the slowest and physically the weakest on the team."

"Yeah, but so?" I shook my head. "Does she seriously not get that when a normal person gets hit by someone a hundred pounds heavier than them, they immediately fall the fuck down? They don't give physics the finger and stay up long enough to chuck the fucking ball!"

After a moment of thought, Liv nodded. "Yeah. She seriously doesn't get that."

"Does she not have eyes? God...dammit, Kay, stop trying to kiss me, you smell like Four Loko. And not in a good way." Kaeligh muttered and hiccuped something, but at least she listened.

"No, her eyes work fine. But she only sees things that she's actually looking for. And she's never looking for things she does well."

"God that girl's fucked up." I crossed my arms and sulked.

"...you're still worried about something, aren't you Maya?"

I huffed and took off my glasses, rubbing the bridge of my nose. "I get why Susie says you're annoying now."

"Yeah, I get that too. But I'm right."

I glanced over at Kaeligh. She seemed to be snoring enough to at least be mostly unconscious. "...okay, did Kay offend her or something?"

"No, she'd have said so if she did."

"Then what the fuck is up? Because she's avoiding her, right? I can tell. That's why she's in Chuck's car instead of yours."

Liv heaved a sigh as she pulled onto the highway, sticking to the left lane and barely pushing her rustbucket up to the speed limit. "Yeah, she is. But I can't explain why. Everyone's life would be a lot simpler if I could, or if she'd just be in the car anyway, but she isn't here and she doesn't let me because she's stupid."

"Man, no kidding." After a long moment, I sighed. "How the fuck am I supposed to get through to her, Liv? I like her. I think she's interesting."

"Yeah. I like her too."

"So how'd you do it?"

Olivia was silent for a long while. "...I guess I didn't let her run. She can say what she doesn't want. She's really good at that. So assume that if she hasn't said anything she still wants you around. You've gotta push her. And it feels kind of weird saying that because I'd really hate it if someone did that to me."

I frowned. "Yeah, I'd hate that too. And I know some people gotta be pushed like that, but..." After a long moment, I decided I could be honest with her. "But I know I can go too far with it. I've done that before. Are you sure she'll tell me if I'm fucking up?"

"Positive," she said. "Sometimes she'll be uncomfortable and not explain that, and that's really annoying, but if she's upset at you, she'll say so. And it's not hard to tell the difference between her being fake upset and real upset." After a bit of silence, Liv sighed. "I think Susanna just can't accept the fact that good things can happen to her."

"How the fuck does a person get to be that way?"

"A lot of Catholic school, probably."

"God damn. Literally." I stared out the window and watched other cars zoom past us. What the fuck was up with that tiny lesbian? I really really really needed to know.

That Friday I got a chance to try and learn more. When I heard a knock on my dorm room's door, I opened it, halfway dressed and having been mid-post-class nap. "What."

"It's six." A skinny brown blur said in front of me. After a moment, I realized that I recognized Olivia's voice. I also saw a tiny mostly-black blur by her side and context-clued that it was Susie. "You said that was when the pregame would start."

...shit, they actually thought we'd start pregaming at fucking six? Damn. I swore that I wasn't this naive as a freshman. "Cool. Cool. C'mon in. I'll, uh...beers. Yeah."

"I'm not coming. Only Susanna is."

"Ex-fucking-scuse me?" I saw the tan blob near the top of the black blur twist towards the brown blur, and I snorted.

"I told you I wouldn't be coming to the party. And the list online said not to pregame if you won't go to the party." Oh my god, they looked up a fucking listicle to learn how parties worked? What fucking turnip truck did these two roll off of? And how had I ended up boning Liv a week after meeting her if they were this fucking...pure?

God, I had so many questions.

"So what, you're just gonna abandon me to—" The answer must have been "yes", because the black blur was pushed inside, and the brown blur shut the door behind her. "...cool. Uh, if you wanna go back to sleep, you can."

"Pff, bullshit. Like I'm letting your ass escape now."

"...great." I wrapped an arm around the blob that I was 98% sure was Susie and led her over to the chair next to my desk, shoving her into it and feeling around for my glasses. Eventually, she reached out and put them in my hand like a magical helpful spirit of darkness. Or something. I was still waking up. Once I put them on, I was able to confirm that it was, in fact, Susie, and she was, in fact, glaring at me. That wasn't weird though. "You wanna put on a shirt or something?" She said, and it occurred to me that I was wearing nothing up top but a bra.

"Nah, we're both girls here." I moved back towards my bed, then paused. "Unless we're not? I mean, it's chill either way."

Susie opened her mouth, let it hang open, then closed it and pursed her lips. "I'll, uh...I'll get back to you on that one."

"Fair 'nough." I scrounged under my bed and pulled out a box of beers, grabbing one and giving it to her before pulling out one of my own. "You ever drink?"

"Does wine that tastes like it's literally 2000-year-old blood count?"

Whaaaat the fuck? "...I'm gonna say no on that one, chief."

"Then no. Do these need a bottle opener or—"

"Nah, it's a twistie." Susie pulled one hand inside one of her massive hoodie sleeves, then twisted the cap and managed to get it open. After a long moment, she put her lips to the bottle and took a sip. "So? Whadaya think?"

"It, uh, definitely tastes." She burped softly. "Don't dislike it as much as I thought I would though."

"Think you might be more into girly fruity type drinks?"

"Might be easier at least. If Olivia was ever gonna drink, it'd have to be something like that. If she tasted this, she'd probably light the entire box on fire." Even so, Susie took another sip. "Oh, fuck, that reminds me. Olivia's, uh, pregame research said we shouldn't come empty-handed and that carbo-loading was important, so we ordered pizza. She tried to plan it so that it'd arrive here at the same time we did, but, uh...well, pizza places aren't exactly that fucking reliable."

"Dude, have you two ever been to, like, any parties?"

"No."

I blinked and stared at Susie. She stared right back at me. "...no, you know what, that makes sense. Yeah. Well, I definitely wouldn't say no to pizza. 'Specially with someone else paying. So, what's got you here tonight? I know you haven't come to any before, and it damn sure wasn't 'cause I haven't invited you."

Susie looked down at the brown bottle she was holding. It was wider than a lot of bottles, so she had to use both of her tiny hands to hold it comfortably, and goddamn if that wasn't cute as fuck. "Well, I knew this one was going to be at the Queer house. And, uh..." She reached into her hood and scratched the back of her head. "I mean, besides Olivia, I've never really been around other Queer people my age. So I don't really know what they...what we...do?"

Huh. That was...something. "Your high school was a normal one, right? You not have a GSA?"

"I mean, maybe we did, maybe we didn't. I don't actually know. For most of high school it was just...me and Olivia."

God, I had so many questions about these two. If their lives were as sad as Susie made them sound, why wasn't Liv more emo? If their lives were as normal as Liv made them sound, then why was Susie so emo? How the heck did these two go together? What did they have in common? Maybe it was a weird poly thing about me, but I was almost more attracted to their relationship than I was to either of them.

I was still pretty friggin' attracted to both of them, though, as Susie reminded me when she pulled off her hood. I had no idea why the fuck she kept it up so much because her face was fucking adorable.

Hm. Given how scary she liked to try and look, maybe that was why she kept it up all the time.

Susie's phone blinged with a text. "Ah, shit, pizza guy's outside. Okay, could you keep the door open for me? I'm not gonna be able to get it together while I hold a whole fucking pizza." I nodded and she went off. While she was gone, I took a look at her beer bottle.

...there was a tiny bit of lip gloss on it. Shit, she wore makeup for this? Maybe she really did wanna be here.

Over the next hour and a half, it was just the two of us, but I didn't really mind. If any of those other bitches wanted pizza, they should have been adorable and naive as fuck and arrived at the actual right time. So we got a whole-ass pepperoni pizza to ourselves (and by "we" I mainly mean me), and once she'd got a whole beer in her, she'd warmed up a little bit. She was still a snarky little fuck, but I actually got to see her smile and hear her laugh.

...and notice she had on eyeliner and mascara too. Okay, yeah, she was definitely here on purpose. Also, how the fuck did someone this butch learn how to put on eyeliner that well? Did Liv do it? She never wore makeup either.

That question would have to wait since the other girls started showing up. Susie got a little shyer, but she managed to keep her feet under her pretty well, and I could tell I wasn't the only one who liked her. Mandy even asked if she could put makeup on her, and Susie let her do it. The fact that that interaction didn't end up with the two of them kissing was the dumbest thing in the universe. My teammates were truly fucking gifted in useless lesbianism.

Once my other teammates were there, I wasn't just keeping an eye on Susie. She seemed like she was handling herself well enough, and I absolutely didn't plan on playing babysitter all night. So we kept pregaming, and eventually, we got to the Queer house, and the goddamn party actually got started. I spent that night drinking and dancing and making out with guys, girls, and anyone else who'd put their mouth on mine.

I wasn't sure quite how long it'd been or how many deep I was, but my night was interrupted when I caught a case of fucking drunk hiccups, of all things. "Oh shit! Liv's here!" My teammate Chloe said, grabbing me in a headlock and completely ruining my seduction of a cute person whose gender I was particularly unsure of. 

"Yeah yeah, shut your fu–*HUK* fuckin' trap," I shoved her away. Hearing Liv's name reminded me, though, and I looked around. "Hey, an–*EEP* anybody know where Susie's *UCK* at?"

"She's been hanging out on the stairs," Mandy sighed. "I tried to get her to be a bit more into it, but I couldn't even get her to take off her hoodie."

"Take off her ho–*OOP* hoodie? What kinda slut d–*HUK* do you take her for?" I gave Mandy a quick punch on the arm. "Well, if an–*EEK* anyone can get her into the pa–*HURP* party, it's me. Wish me luck, girls, *HMK*, this one's on hard mode." Once I'd had my luck wished, I made my way over to the stairwell and saw Susie, in fact, sitting right in the middle of the stairs. It was hard to tell from inside of her hood, but I thought she might have seen me first. Either way, I knew I'd caught her eye. "Hey! Hey Susi–*EEK* Pfft. Fuck, I sound so fu–*HUK* fucking stupid."

"Uh...hey, Maya." Her voice was a little uncertain, which I wasn't sure what to make of, but she had spent the whole night a little unmoored, so maybe not the most surprising thing in the world. "Aren't you supposed to be licking someone's tonsils right about now?"

"What, you offerin'?" Even from in her hood, I could see her face go redder, and I couldn't help but laugh. "Don't even wo–*HURK* worry about it, Susi–*EEP*. Susie Q. I got a–*UCK* all the time in the world *HUP* to give out pro-bono de–*HNK* dental exams."

"Wow. And I thought the way I phrased that was gross."

I sat down on the stair right above Susie, trapping her between my legs. She twisted to try and see me so fast that her hood didn't move with her head, which was kind of hilarious. Laughing didn't help with my hiccups, but if anyone wouldn't mind, I figured it was probably Liv's best friend. Either way, I rested my head on top of hers and flopped my arms over her shoulders. I didn't actually put much weight on her. Given how goddamn tiny she was, I didn't know how much she could handle. But there was something weirdly comfortable about how her hoodie felt under my chin. I could see why Liv did this so much, even though they had enough of a height difference that she had to lean over to do it if they were both standing. "But an–*EEP* way, you enjoying the pa–*UHP* party, hot stuff?"

Susie's head moved under her hood, and after a second, I was able to figure out that she was looking out at the dance floor. "I've heard more songs that I like than I expected to."

"Re–*HEEP*–eally?" I wished I could see through her hood and get a look at her face. "Aren't you one of those pri–*HIC*–ks that only listens to screamo 'cause ev–*HUP* everything else is too mainstre–*EEP*–eam?"

She shook underneath me, and it took me a second to realize she was chuckling. "Nah. I just play one of those on TV. I mean, don't get me wrong, everything else is too mainstream, but I'm not such a sad-sack that I'll pretend I don't like Queen. I'm also not too good for all the gay anthems made by straight women."

"Heeyyy, you're dru–*UCK* drunk enough to admit you're not a pre–*HIP* pretentious dickface!" As I said that, I realized that I was a complete idiot, and I moved out in front of Susie and grabbed her hands. Of course this was the way to get her into the party. "Hey, *HUK* if you like the mus–*IC* then why don't you come and da–*UCK* dance with me?"

It was easy to pull her to her feet (and I was still taller than her from a stair below. Goddamn, she was short), but her face was red and her eyes had gone wide. "Uh! Not, uh...not sure that's the, uh...best idea."

"Why the fu–*HUCK* not?"

"Uh..." She looked away and didn't come up with anything.

Fuck. I was too drunk for this. Liv said she was able to say if something was wrong, right? "Okay, look. *HMK*. I'm gonna bring you ou–*HUP* out on the floor, kay? *HMK* If you wanna stop, just say. Sound good?"

After a few long moments, she took a deep breath, closed her eyes, then opened them and nodded. She looked...weirdly innocent staring up at me like that. Especially with how flushed her face was. "Okay, yeah. Yeah, I can...yeah. That works. That sounds good."

"Awesome!" Victory! I grabbed her and dragged her down the stairs and out onto the floor between other sweaty bodies, maneuvering us close to as many cute girls as I could. Susie danced like an alien who'd only ever had gravity explained to them once, but at least people would barely feel it if she stepped on their toes. Eventually, I had to take a little more control. I grabbed her from behind and pulled her back against me, bending my knees into hers and putting her butt right up on my crotch. "Hey, Fred Ast–*UCK*–staire. Anyone ever tell y–*HOOP* that you dance like you're alr–*UP* already doing it backward in h–*EEK* heels?"

"Uh..." Her voice was weird and shaky again, even more than last time. Her body was still moving to the beat of the music, though, and I couldn't deny that that felt nice. "Literally nobody, but that's not exactly surp-prising." She stuttered, and I realized that my hiccups were seriously shaking her up. I'd never noticed just how much they moved my gut and my boobs.

"You know, not ev–*URK* every gay guy or queer folk's *HMK* gotta go to the clubs. *HUP*. It's not a requirement. *HMK-mmp*" I felt her nod underneath me. The idea that she was not that kind of gay wasn't exactly surprising. 

...but her coming here with makeup on meant that she wanted to try it. And I didn't want her first time to just suck and completely put her off getting drunk and having fun.

So I leaned in closer, pulling her tighter back against me while my head was on her shoulder so I could whisper in her ear. "But if you wann–*UCK* wanna be that kind of gay, I could he–*ULP* help you learn how to d–*HOOK* do it." I ran a finger up from the fly of her jeans to the base of her belly under her hoodie and she breathed in sharply. "I've heard I'm a pre–*HIP* pretty good teacher. *HMK*. And sure, I'm a lil' dru–*HUK* drunk right now. But I fi–*HIG*–guuuure that if an–*HEEK* anyone wouldn't mind me havin' the hic–*HULP*–s it'd be you."

"Fuck!" Susie suddenly wrenched her way out of my arms and whipped around to face me. Her face was so fucking red. Even though her hood was still on, it couldn't hide it at all. Her pupils looked huge, and her eyes were wider than I'd ever seen them before she slammed them shut. "S-sorry!" And before I even knew what was happening, she'd bolted off of the dance floor.

My brain took way too long to catch up with reality. "Shit, Sus–*EEK*! Susie!" And I ran off in the same direction she did.

After searching for ten minutes and finding absolutely fucking nothing, I was getting really scared, especially since she wasn't responding to my texts. Fuck, this was not how I wanted to spend my night. But my two brain cells were able to hook up long enough for me to realize that Susie wasn't the only person I could text.

Maya: Liv Liv I fucked up Susie ran off and I dunno where the fuck she is Wait Please fucking tell me she's with you

Liv: No, she's not with me. She'll definitely tell me where she is though. Give me a minute. While I'm texting her, you can tell me what happened.

Maya: Okay fuck Thanks dude Gotta be real tho I dunno quite what happened I mean I got a guess But I was tryina dance with her and teach her how to do the thing and all a sudden she just fuckin hoofs it

Liv: This'll seem like a weird question. Did you have the hiccups?

Maya: uh Yeah How the fuck did u know that?

Liv: You didn't do anything wrong, then. But I'm not allowed to get more specific. So instead of doing that, I'll tell you that Susanna's hiding in the unisex bathroom in Liberty Hall's entry area.

Maya: wut What the actual fuck is she doing there?

Liv: Hiding.

Okay, this shit was officially driving me fucking crazy. Liv was still texting me, but I shoved my phone back into my pocket anyway and started running for the hall. I was sick and fucking tired of being confused about these two, and especially about Susie.

Once I got to Liberty Hall, the fact that my hiccups echoed through the whole empty building was funny enough to cool me down a little bit, but I was still pissed. So I stomped over to the bathroom and banged on the door. "Hey. Sus–*EEK*. Wanna tell me–*HEEP* what the fu–*HUCK* you're doing in there?"

After long enough that I started wondering if she'd already left, I finally heard her voice. "Not particularly, no."

Fuck, that was an annoying answer. "We–*UCK* well too fuckin' bad, pal! *HULP* 'Cause my ass ain't *HUK* leavin' until I g–*HUP* get some answers."

After a few long moments, I heard a weird sound from inside. "Yeah, that—" her voice stopped in a very weird way and sounded tenser than I'd ever heard it. "That makes sense."

I wasn't not angry, but I was getting more and more worried. "What the fuck, dude? *HMLK* Are you o–*KUP* okay? Why are you hiding in a g---goddamn bathroom?" I sucked at telling time at the best of times, and right now I had no idea how long I'd waited for her to respond except that it was too fucking long. "Look, do I ne–*HEEK* need to get Liv he–*URK* here or what?"

"No." I heard her sigh, though it was cut oddly short. "She's not—" Her voice kept hitching. "She's not gonna help."

"Since fucking when? A–*URK* Aren't you two li–*HUK* like, married or somethi–*IC*–ing?"

"I'm not saying that she couldn't or she wouldn't want to. She's just not gonna. She says this is something I need to do myself." Something like a laugh came through the door. "And she's probably right. She's definitely right. But...fuck, not everyone's like her. Nobody's like her. And she just doesn't get that."

"...*HULP* Okay, whatever the fu–*HUK* this is, I'm way too dru---drunk for it. Give me a minute to *HNK* get some fuckin' water."

"That's probably a good idea, yeah. There's a fountain right nearby."

I did go over to the fountain and drink a bunch of water, I wasn't lying when I said that. But I also pulled out the phone to see what the fuck Liv had texted me.

Maya: wut What the actual fuck is she doing there?

Liv: Hiding. It's infuriating when she gets like this. You're probably going to want to be gentle with her anyway, though. This is one of those times where she's actually sensitive instead of having her walls up constantly. So being rough with her probably won't get things to happen any sooner.

Maya: ...shit. Olivia what the fuck am I doing?

Liv: I don't know. I'm being literal there. I don't know what you're doing. And I can't know that. I know you mean that more existentially, but I don't know that either.

Maya: Fuck why couldnt someone else do this? Why couldnt literally anyone else fucking do this? Im too fucking drunk for this! Im too fucking stupid for this! Im too much of a pissed fucking dickhead who hurts people for this!

Liv: No you're not. You're honestly perfect for this.

Maya: what

Liv: I'm serious.

Maya: I fuckin know that liv your always fucking serious

Liv: *you're

Maya: Fuck you I just What? How in the fuck am I perfect for this? I'm a dumb drunk slut!

Liv: The middle part isn't ideal. But everything else about you is perfect for Susanna to finally tell somebody else her secret.

Maya: her secret? That weird context that you always say you cant talk about?

Liv: Yeah.

Maya: you think im perfect for that?

Liv: About as much as anyone can be.

Maya: Wait hang on Are you tellin me that literally nobody else knows about whatever the fuck you're talking about?

Liv: If they do, it's not because she told them. Honestly, when she finally does tell you (which she'd better do tonight) it'll be really nice to have someone else to talk to about it. At this point, she's texting me to just tell you it, but I'm not going to. She has to do this herself.

Maya: Why?

Liv: A lot of reasons. But the main one right now is because if she doesn't, she won't be able to see how you react right away. Her brain will fill up the space that creates with some sort of illogical bullshit about why I somehow tricked you into acting like exactly the person you are about it.

Maya: Shit you thought a lot about this.

Liv: Of course I have. I love her.

Maya: No fuckin kidding dude. Okay Wish me fuckin luck with whatever this shit is I guess

Liv: Just be yourself. That's exactly who she needs right now.

There were almost zero situations where I was sure I would be exactly who someone needed, and there were a negative number of situations where I'd actually want that to be true, but...well, shit, I was already in it, wasn't I? Like a very wise listicle said, don't pregame if you're not down to party. Don't...flirt with the repressed girl if you're not ready to...do emotion management through a door? I'd workshop it.

Either way, I walked back to the bathroom and knocked on the door again. "Hey. I'm back."

"Yeah. You are." There was a long, dumb stretch where neither of us said anything. Eventually she was the one to talk. "You didn't do anything wrong, Maya."

"Liv said that too, but if I didn't do anything wrong, then what the fuck are we doing here instead of back at Queer House?"

I heard Susie sigh through the door again. "We're here because I'm weird and fucked up."

"Bruh, we're on a women's rugby team. We're all weird and fucked up."

Something thudded against the door. It didn't sound hard enough to be someone punching it or something, but I wasn't sure what other option there was. "I'm weird and fucked up in specific ways. Ways that'll..." There were three smaller thuds and I realized that she was banging her head against the door. "...ways that'll make you think I'm creepy. And that I'm a terrible person. And that I absolutely shouldn't spend time around Olivia."

That sentence hit my brain like it'd just walked in front of a truck. "Wait, what? What the fuck? No! I mean, no, what?" I shook my head. "Okay, those first two are fucking stupid, we can get to that later, but who the fuck would think that you and Liv shouldn't be together? Like, even if I was someone who got to make that kind of decision for either of you, no? Liv loves you, dude! Literally! I was literally just texting her and she said 'I love her'! And 'her' is definitely you!"

"I know." She laughed again. Her laugh was always quiet, but right now I could only just barely hear it. "I know she loves me. That's the only way that the past five years of my life make any fucking sense. And...and I love her too. But if people knew the truth about me, they'd say that I was a gross freak taking advantage of an autistic girl."

"'Taking advantage of'—fucking what?" I shook my head again, then stopped when that made it hurt like a bitch. "Nobody who's ever fucking met you would think that. Like...fuckin' spend two seconds around you two and it's pretty goddamn clear who's wearing the pants in this relationship. Spoilers: it's the one that sometimes wears skirts."

She laughed a little louder. "I mean, yeah, I know that. I know that that's not actually what it is. Olivia's made that, uh...pretty fucking clear. And she'd be happy to do it again if she needed to. I don't know why, but...she is. She's amazing." There was another goddamn sigh. "I don't know if anyone as amazing as her exists. That's what makes this so scary."

Well, shit. What was I supposed to do now, say that I actually was as amazing as Liv? She wouldn't fucking fall for that. Nobody would. So what else could I do? How the fuck did you deal with someone this pessimistic? Was I supposed to fucking get on her level or something?

...actually, yeah, I could do that. That could work. "Okay, lemme put it to you like this: What's the worst thing I could possibly do if you told me whatever the fuck this is?"

"Report me to campus police for sexual harassment and get me expelled."

"Sexual harass—what? Dude, I was the one who was grinding on your ass, not the other way around! You think I'm drunk enough to get confused about that? No, fuck that and fuck you. And also fuck cops. Now what's the second worst thing I could do?"

It took her a minute to get back to me. "I, uh...okay. Um, second worst thing you could do would be...to tell my parents?"

"I don't know your parents. Third worst thing."

"That doesn't mean that you couldn't—"

"Third. Worst. Thing."

I could hear something moving on the other side of the door, but I didn't have a fucking clue what she was doing. "Okay, uh...third worst. I guess...you could tell everyone my secret so they all know what a freak I am?"

"Jesus fucking Christ," I rolled my eyes. "Okay, how long's the last dick I sucked?"

"...I beg your fucking pardon?"

The way she said that made me laugh, which was kind of annoying since I was trying to be serious here. "Right, you don't know. And who's into me using a strap-on on them? Lemme guess; you don't know that either. Do more people call me 'mommy' or 'daddy'? Imagine the jeopardy theme playing out here. Ding-ding-ding, time's up, you don't fucking know. You don't know any of that shit, do you?"

"...no. I guess I don't."

"Yeah. You fucking don't. You don't even know the names of a lot of people I sleep with. Because I don't fucking talk about 'em unless I know they're cool with that." I huffed. "I may be a dumb slut, but I'm not a fucking narc."

"You're not a dumb slu—..."

Susie's voice stopped in a completely different way from how it did earlier. And god dammit, she made me laugh again. "It's okay, dude, I wouldn't be able to finish that sentence either."

"...you're not dumb."

"Thaaat's more like it." She was still wrong, but eh, I'd take it.

"Yeah." She took a while to say anything else. "I, uh...I knew those weren't super realistic, but...you know. It's still nice to have them gone. And...with that out of the way, the main thing I can think of is just that you'd hate me and everything would be awkward."

"Dude, if I make things awkward, it'll be on purpose." I heard her snort, and it made me smile. "And if I'm gonna hate you, I'll do it for something more interesting than whatever the fuck this is."

"...Yeah. Yeah, that sounds like you. Maya, could you, uh..." Susie's voice trailed off, then I heard something rock against the door. After some noises from the other side, I heard the deadbolt, and then the door opened and Susie was there.

Susie was there with her hoodie off. Susie was there with her mascara in lines all down her face. Susie was there in a tank top with a rainbow flag that said "The gays can do whatever they want". Even though I knew I shouldn't, I snorted. "Why the fuck were you wearing your hoodie over that? That's great."

She smiled. It was small, but it felt pretty real. "I like it too. And that's...yeah, that's a good question. Uh..." she pulled back and held the door open. "Would you, uh...come in here with me?" I shrugged and walked through, then leaned back against the tile wall. Susie closed the door, looked at the lock, then shook her head and left it alone. I could see her hoodie crumpled up on the floor between the door and the wall. She walked over and stood in front of me, and I couldn't believe how small she looked. "It, uh...it might take me a minute to...to work up the courage. To say it."

Fuck, I hated waiting. I made myself smile anyway. "Just as long as you say it, dude."

Susie nodded, then took a slow, deep breath. Her face very quickly started going red. "So, uh...so." She swallowed. "The reason I ran away from you at the party was because I was...really fucking turned on."

"...bruh, that was the point."

"I mean—" Susie smacked her forehead, and I snorted again. "Okay, fuck. I mean, yeah, fair. But it wasn't really...I mean it was and it wasn't, but it..."

"Dude, I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about right now."

"Right, of course you don't." She covered her face with both hands. "Fuck, I'm just gonna have to say it out loud, aren't I?"

"Probably. I'm still kinda drunk. And not super in the mood for riddles."

"Okay." Susie pulled her hands down and clenched her fists. She glared down at my feet like they owed her money. "Okay. Okay." She took one more deep, annoying breath. "So I was turned on already. Before you started dancing with me. I was really turned on. But it wasn't by anything you were doing on purpose."

"If you tell me you were charming some other chick and let me pull you away from that, I'm fuckin' killing you."

"No, no," she did that weird one-off laugh thing she did sometimes. "Nah. Nothing like that. You were the one who was turning me on. But not on purpose."

"...okaaaaaaaay?"

"Fffuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Okay." She shut her eyes. With how hard she'd been glaring, I was surprised that she didn't somehow laser vision through her own eyelids. "Okay. I was...I was turned on because...b-because..." Her teeth were clenched together hard enough that I was kinda worried that she'd break them. "B-because you had the hiccups!"

She said that loud enough that it echoed in the bathroom, then immediately pulled her fists up to cover her eyes. But I was just confused. "You were turned on...because I had the hiccups." She nodded. "Okay. So, uh...what's the secret?"

Susie pulled her fists away and stared at me. "...what?"

"You were turned on by my hiccups and then...what. What's the deep dark secret?"

"Tha—" She turned around and looked behind her like there was some other Susie for me to be talking to. "That...that is the secret!"

I could feel my jaw going slack. "That's the secret?"

"Yes!" She covered her eyes again. "And I know that it's fucking weird and gross and I shouldn't—"

"Bro, you thought I'd be offended that you were turned on by me?"

Susie stopped talking and her fists slowly fell off of her eyes. She still stared at the floor, but the look on her face was turning less terrified and more confused. "Well, it sounds really stupid when you put it like that."

"That's 'cause it is really stupid, dude. Susie, what the fuck? Is this your big fucking secret?"

"I mean, not completely. Because it's...it's not just your hiccups, it's everyone's." She was glaring at a wall now. "I...I have a hiccup fetish. That's the secret."

"...well what the fuck am I supposed to do with that, Susie? I thought I was gonna have to help bury a body somewhere, but instead you're just flipping out over some weird cute sex thing?" I slapped myself internally for calling it weird.

Susie's head whipped up and she finally looked me in the eyes. "...'cute'?"

"Okay, not the word I thought you were gonna have a problem with there, but yeah. Cute."

"Not...creepy?"

"No? Why the fuck would it be creepy?" I seriously meant that question. Why would it be creepy?

She grabbed her upper arm with the other hand, gripping it way too tight. "You don't...you don't think that I'm just using Olivia?"

"'Just usi—' the fuck? Susie, what in the actual fuck is wrong with you? You think that I think you're 'just using' someone who you threatened to beat a stranger with a bong for?" Every time I got her to laugh, I felt just a little bit better about...everything really. "Jesus, Sue, you flipped out this hard over this? Why?"

"Because it's...weird." She had her arms crossed and had gone back to staring down walls. "It's weird. And it's something people don't have control over. So I'm getting turned on by something people can't help doing."

"...so?"

Susie stared up at me. "So that's...bad?"

I stared right back at her. "Uh...no? No, that's not bad. That's...okay, one, do you think that I chose to have boobs this fucking bodacious?" The shocked laugh that got made me grin. "Do you think I chose to be a total fucking sex bomb with a body that can go all night? I mean, I've put some effort into parts of that, but these titties just happened. And all kinds of people get turned on by that. But, uh, two, it's weird that you get turned on by a thing that a human body does? No! You think that fuckin' neolithic cavemen were going around imagining shit like latex and high heels while they jacked it? No! But liking those is normal as shit! So you're not fucking weird, the world's the weird ones. You're just old-fashioned or something."

Susie was squinting at me. "That is...the weirdest fucking argument I've ever heard." Honestly, it was probably the weirdest fucking argument I'd ever made.

I decided not to say that out loud. "Weirder than being into hiccups, maybe?" The minute I said the word, her whole face burned and I couldn't help arching my eyebrows. "Whoa. Shit, you weren't kidding, huh? You're seriously into that."

"Y-yeah. Yeah. With Olivia I've gotten enough exposure that I can kinda deal, but it..." She huffed. "It's a lot."

"Alright. So," I sat down on the tile floor. "What do you like about 'em?"

"...wuh?"

"Oh come the fuck on, Susie," I slapped the floor in front of me between her feet. "You can't seriously fucking think you can say a thing like 'I'm super into hiccups' and then not tell me how that works, right?"

"You...wanna know?" She looked seriously, actually confused as she sat down in front of me.

"Uh, yeah, duh." I looked at her, then decided I could push a bit and smiled. "How else am I gonna know how I should flirt with you?" Her back went dead straight and she stared at me, her whole face looking like it was about to light on fire. I just barely kept myself from laughing, but how long she went without blinking kind of worried me. "You, uh...you good dude?"

"You wanna...flirt with me too? L-like...turning me on?"

"...thought that'd be pretty obvious by now, but yeah."

"Why?"

"What a stupid fucking—" I cut myself off. Susie may have needed "me" right now (and I was finally starting to get why Liv had said that), but she needed the nicest me I was able to give her. So I smiled at her again, and I reached out and touched her cute, blushy face. "It's 'cause I like you, dumbass. I like you. I think you're interesting. I wanna know more about you."

I actually gasped when I felt her hand touch the back of mine while I cupped her cheek. I'd been too lost staring at her to notice her moving.

...shit, this was more serious than I thought it was.

It got even more serious when she put her hand completely over mine, holding it against her cheek and leaning into my palm. Her eyes closed for a second before she opened them again and stared at me. "You really do?"

"Yeah. I really do." That was...scarier to admit than it should have been. And my heart was going faster than it should. "I know I like Liv. And I know she loves you. I wanna see the person she loves." Shit, what was I saying? I swallowed, and my mouth just kept going. "I've already seen the person you love. I already know Liv. But I wanna see the other side too. Of course I wanna know you."

...fuck. Fuck, I had feelings.

Fuck, I had feelings for this couple.

I really fucking wanted to watch them be...them.

Shit, this could be a problem.

"I..." Susie managed to surprise me again. She was staring up at me, and fuck, her eyes were way too fucking pretty and brown. "I think I wanna know you too, Maya. And...and I think I even...would like it if you knew me."

I could feel myself laughing. I could also feel myself leaning closer to her. "That works pretty well for me, Sue."

"I don't really know what I'm doing."

"That's fine." I didn't really know what the fuck I was doing either.

"I've never...I've never actually dated anyone."

"I'll teach you." It'd been a while since I'd "dated" anyone too. But fuck, I wanted to. And we just kept getting closer and closer.

"I..." I could feel her breath on my face as she tilted her head in my hand. "I'm scared, Maya."

"I know." I was scared too. But... "But Liv told me you could be brave."

Our bodies were close enough that I felt hers shake as she laughed. I felt the air of each chuckle puff against me. "Yeah. Yeah, she tells me that too. And..." She took one more breath, "and maybe she's right."

She kissed my lips.

That fucking bastard. She kissed my fucking lips.

She had no idea what she was doing.

I was gonna teach her. I was gonna teach her everything.

Fuck, how did this happen? How did I get in this deep this quick? How had I ended up catching feelings again?

Was I gonna be okay?

Susie kissed me again, and for the rest of the night, it didn't really seem like it mattered that much.

[eri-pl]

Silmarils, grief and hope.

We all know grief is a big theme and all that, and related to Tolkien's life. But. The Silmarils.

Long chaotic post about "wanting the Silmarils is related to having unprocessed grief" and "the Silmarils are hope, but Not Like That".

(I'm not sure how many there are for whom it makes a difference, but I assume it's a non-zero amount: sort of Morgoth-pov at the very end which may be emotionally intense. For convenience, it's separated with a picture. The rest is much more calm, I think. Just chaotic and may have autocorrect errors.)

Why do so many people (allegedly) want them more than it would make sense, even if they aren't cursed?

So many events on the story of those jewels are related to grief. Feanor makes them after his mother does and he cannot process his feelings properly (which is not his fault; where would he learn to process them? But it is a thing.)

Then he loses them when his father dies and really wants them back, swears the oath. Then he does and his sons swear the oath again, and of course they don't process their grief properly either.

Oh and I forgot, before that, the Valar. They lose the Trees and want them back. Interestingly, it's not Manwe (the king) who is most focused on getting the Silmarils for that, nor Varda (most associated with them), but Yavanna (sure, it was her trees, but also she's the most loss-avoiding Vala, she misses each tree that is being cut) and Tulkas (lowest emotional intelligence of all proper Valar). Again, the perceived need to get the Silmarils is where there's some unprocessed grief, and most intense in those Valar who would have the hardest time processing it.

(and Aule! He actively advocates for granite keeping it. But I'm sure the "my best Maia joined Morgoth, I'm constantly bullied, my wife doesn't like me, and I am never a jerk despite it all" guy is pretty good at processing his negative feelings.)

(Also, how the sun and moon are made? The fruit grow when Nienna cries, and it is Nienna, she is processing the grief in a proper, healthy way. And it... It solves the problem (lack of light) for which the Silmarils were "necessary". Sure, the moon and sun are lesser, not as beautiful... But there's a theme there. Namely, the third of them. 🙂 Things change. You can't fix anything important by going Ctrl+Z on it. You have to go forward, not backwards.)

The Silmarils are the feeling of hope (see: reactions to Gil-Estel, and it's very name) they are a promise that it all will be good. They are a good thing, but to an untrained eye the promise seems much more immediate, much more like something that can be done here and now.

If I only had them, all would be fine.

And they are not this, Nienna would know, I'm pretty sure Varda knew too when she blessed them (she may have not realized how others see it). They are just a reminder of something unsaid. Estel, not amdir. (It's a little funny to me how this means "looking up" but it's not for this post)

Anyway, the Silmarils. Thingol who realizes he'll lose his daughter (doesn't know how much he would lose her, but a sad marriage to a diet Man is enough, also a kid growing up can be a grief in itself. Or maybe it is because she will be mortal, maybe he suffers from what @dfwbwfbbwfbwf called "pre-traumatic stress disorder"). And a Silmaril is the only thing that could let him through the pain of losing his daughter.

And then he carries it, of course he does, if he let it go he would have to face his pain. He dies and Luthien wears the jewel, then after her death - Dior. A chain of deaths and losses and a beautiful gem.

It is too much for their half-mortal eyes, too much hope to be able to let go of it even if they had a reason.

And Maedhros starts demanding it after Unnumbered Tears (unnumbered, unprocessed, unhealed), which sure, has also a more political/reasonable explanation (he's out of other options), but also, it's a lot of grief.

And it goes into a chain of deaths.

Melian never cared about the Silmaril (she cared about it as a problem, but not about having it). Beren gave it up easily. Earendil have it to the Valar (they have it back later).

The dwarves... There are two things here. One is generational trauma of "the sindar hunted our ancestors for sport"+general racism. The other is that dwarves generally have more need of hope I think... Elves are reborn, Men are said to go somewhere beautiful and mysterious, and the Dwarves??? It's very uncertain.

And at the end it is Makalaure "singing apology songs which doesn't make me less of a murderer, just a hypocrite, but at least helps me process my traumas" Kanafinwe who throws the hope away because someone else would make a better use of it probably, and goes on to live through his darkness.

It's so hard to face your pain and start looking not only at hope for you, but at hope for the others. And sometimes what the world needs to have more hope, is you facing your pain.

I can't find a clear name for what the Silmarils are/mean in this... Something close to hope, but also something you must let go of to process your grief... It's inherently good, but can be overused... I'm sure there's something fitting, I just can't find it.

And the "Feanor will break the Silmarils" thing? For the trees? Seriously? No. He will break then because he will learn to live without them, to live with his pain. He breaks then because they aren't relevant anymore. (Who said that about fulfilled hope not being called hope anymore? My favorite "I can write more weird and more enigmatic stuff that you, but it makes waaay more actual sense than your posts anyway" guy?) He breaks them, but it's not necessary, it's just natural.

(but also tbh they do look a little like seeds so idk why not have new trees, they are kinda cool... well my perception of them looking like seeds is based mostly on "need to break" anyway... My thinking goes in atypical ways)

And there's Morgoth. Oh of course there's Morgoth. The dark Vala who couldn't (wouldn't) process his feelings even if they came with a manual. (He's an Ainu. They very likely initially came with a manual. But he thought he knew better)

He wants to steal hope and blacken it, and destroy it, right?

So... He feeds the Silmarils to Ungoliant? Tries to break them? Hides them far away?

No.

He wears them on his face, even if it hurts terribly. It hurts like dying. This is how clinging to your ego defences feels like. "the pain demands to be felt", to quote my favorite psychology YouTuber writing someone else. If you don't face it, it will still burn. If you run away from it, it will still be there. If you cling to the "I am not sad, everything is fine, it's great", it will burn your face.

But anything else would mean admitting there's a problem. Admitting that they burn would mean admitting that he was wrong. That his pain is there, and also it's not purely (not mostly tbh) others' fault, that he's not the victim in here.

What pain?

Well if you want my opinion, it's funny that it was Finwe who guarded the Silmarils. Finwë who favored his older, more temperamental, more brilliant son and made him the crown prince. Finwë who never told Feanor to sit down and cut his BS. Finwë who everyone says it's such a great father. So if everyone says that, it is rational to expect such behavior, right? It's valid to be angry about being treated in a different way? It must be. Anything else would mean that he was wrong.

It's better to burn.

[felixravinstills]

im going to rebel and say ⭐️ because i absolutely DO want to hear u go one about dogfighting or whatever thing u come up with thanks !

ask game

sorry, I took a while. I had to like... keep my thoughts coherent. Hopefully I suceeded.

I actually won't be focusing on dogfighting (everyone cheered). I will still talk about Cave Canem Edit, because no one wants to talk about that fic. (I get it though... it made me sad. which is why no dogfighting focus.) I touch on this stuff in my author's note (my ANs are really like... my director's commentary half the time), but I am elaborating on my thoughts a lot more (hopefully).

I feel like most of my fics have me very focused on thinking in a character's head, but this one was truly meant to be a Festus Creed character study through dogfighting (as it says in the summary).

Personally, after my research, not a big fan of dogfights (wow what a controversial and brave stance), but I do think that they kind of instill a kind of code of honor to how Festus navigates competition (see this as expanding into having to run/make decisions for the Creed businesses). He would appreciate and admire good competition. For him, there maybe unspoken rules of engagement (like those deserving of admiration are not destroyed in the aftermath of a loss).

Festus' odd view of honorable competition also kind of works well with my interpretation of Persephone who (as I am sure you will remember) in Pelops' Shoulder fully believes that friendly competition for Festus' affection is totally plausible between herself and Artemisia, even going so far as to be actively trying to befriend Artemisia and encouraging her to not give up her pursuit as the other girl begins pulling away.

Also in my mind, while his perspective on Coral is fairly dehumanizing in this fic (comparing her to a fighting dog), there is a part of him that has to identify strongly with her to compare her to one of his fighting dogs. I think it makes sense that he would sour a bit to the idea of the Games because of her death. It's also potentially why he'd lowkey resent the dramatics of the future Games.

While his view of Felix is more positive than Coral (he does not not directly (through metaphor. I made him only use simile with Felix) compare him to an animal), I do think that in this fic, Festus sees Felix as someone he needs to guide and take care of (remember that they became friends/bonded closer in University in my headcanoning of this universe). There is kind of a dehumanizing in that... Seeing him as needing steering. <- obviously there are benign mentor figures who guide people but paired with his annoyance with Felix throughout, my intention was kind of like an impression that Felix's hopelessness in Festus' eyes means that Felix kind of needs him which while a pretty okay sentiment, can feel a little insulting and diminishes Felix's agency (especially paired with lost duckling comparison in the fic).

I think Festus is generally has good intentions and means well with most of his interactions, but in this fic, I was exploring how maybe it can also tip to the negative. Good intentions does not actually mean knowing what's best for someone. Taking Felix to the dogfight is an example of that (Pippa was right).

Another thing that I mention in the author's note is that this fic tries to explore this section in Tu Fui, Ego Eris more:

Coriolanus can feel the sharp tug on the back of his head from when Festus Creed had grabbed a fistful of his hair, trying to bring Coriolanus closer to strangle or strike him. [...] Coriolanus never quite figured whether he'd heard about Felix from Vipsania or Lysistrata.

I'm still not decided if in my more canon fics if I want Felix/Festus to be a thing, so you can kind of read it either way. Anyway, if they aren't a thing, I was like what could elicit such a violent response. Then I was like well, Festus perhaps started feeling a sense of responsibility to Felix (which don't we all to our friends? also I do think Festus felt that way towards Coriolanus too in a way). Additonally, Festus' idea of honorable competition comes back into play here, notice his anger at the foul play for his first/favorite dog, Laelaps, who is notably poisoned. You know that I don't poison Felix in my fics, but it kind of highlights the connection that I'm trying to form about why Festus might disapprove of Coriolanus' future actions.

This got really long, but I also have a cut section of this fic somewhere. If people are interested, maybe I'll post it.

[lamemaster]

Become My Heartache

Pairing: Finrod x Human Reader

Word Count: 2.9k ish

Summary: "Everyone here was so hyped about the elven king that I had to come see you as well. Personally, I just don't think we would match anyway. You're… too, how do I say it… too clean?" You tilted your head as you spoke. "Like nice or pure, maybe… and I…" You rubbed the back of your neck with an embarrassed laugh.

AN: Why did I write this idk. I was watching Rockstar 2011 and could not stop the urge to write it into a fic. Also sufi poetry is my jam. It is so well written and hits the spot. (Dividers by @saradika P.S. you're amazing!)

"Only the purest heartache, ardent pain in one's spirit, can be the source of truest art," your mentor's words ring loud in your ears. "And I don't think you have that. You aren't made for that." It was your last chance to prove yourself as his student, your only chance to show that you too could write like any other love-crazed student of his.

Clutching your satchel close to yourself, you wander the bazaars looking for someone. Specifically, someone who would become the muse of your heartbreak, the one who would lend you words of poetry. You wander the streets in search of the muse of your heartbreak.

And then, you see him: a golden-haired dream surrounded by guards, seated on a magnificent white mare. He strides through the crowded streets of the bazaar, uncaring and seemingly oblivious to the staring eyes around him.

He is an elven royal, one you don't know yet but will soon. Curious, you approach a merchant who has been side-eying you for a while, realizing you should have bought something from him earlier. "Excuse me," you ask the merchant, "Who is that?"

The merchant chuckles and replies, "Ah, you sure do live under a rock. He's the King of elves, from a place called Nathrond…no, Nargrond, I think. They call him Vidri for his wisdom, but his true name of elven kind is Finrod." Grateful for the information, you pick the cheapest-looking item from the stall, thank the merchant, and prepare to complete the last task before embarking on your life as a true writer.

"Come on, y/n, you can do this," you whisper the words of courage to yourself as you step into the gardens frequented by the elven king during his visit. Finrod, a strange elf who, despite being a royal, kept wandering among commoners, is seated there with other elves and some men trying to blend in with the elves but failing to do so. You have braided your hair tighter, dressed in your best tunic, and brought your ever-present satchel as you make your way towards him.

The elven king senses your presence and looks up. "Hi, I am y/n, and I have something to tell you," you say, and the entire group focuses on you as Finrod nods for you to continue. "Not here," you add, not wanting him to easily dismiss you under public pressure. "I don't want prying ears to hear. Let's find a more private place."

"Just speak here, mortal," one of the guards barks menacingly, brandishing a sword. Gathering your courage, you push through the built-up tension and continue speaking, even though Finrod makes no move to follow you. "I think you are really cool and attractive. I like you. Let's court," you declare, and the entire garden falls silent at your audacious statement.

"Pshh HAHHHAAA," a loud laugh rings out from one of the men. "Oh lord, she really…" another man laughs, but you only feel a slight annoyance rather than the heartache or pain you had hoped for. Your only hope lies with the elven lord, who remains speechless.

"I... don't think... I'm sorry, I can't," the words fall from the elf. You try to anticipate the impending heartache. "I... I'm already taken," you don't notice the slight redness gathering on the elven lord's cheeks.

"I guess this is it then. My love shall forever go unanswered. But that's okay, I can simply live by writing," you feel it now. Yes, this must be it. Willing your eyes to grow a little cloudier, you embrace your heartbreak.

"Okay," oops, morphing back into your depression, you take your leave. You ignore the laughing men and elves around you. You don't care for their approval or jest. There is something out there much more important than that. Something within your reach but still out of it. And this king of elves could be the answer.

Musing about it, you rush back to your mentor. He would truly see your pain now, won't he? Slightly messing up your hair and rubbing your eyes, you hurry.

"I thought I told you to leave," your teacher stands in front of you. You pause mid-bite. Your impossibly delicious meal has to wait. Seems like your heartbreak isn't evident to him. "I cannot leave," you try to remember the elven prince... or was he the king? "I cannot bring myself to do it anymore," your gaze drifts to the food that seems to be cooling down with every passing second. "There is no longer a place for me in this world. The one I loved broke my heart," you carefully pluck a bite of bread from your plate. God, the food here is always divine.

You do not notice, however, your mentor's sharp gaze. "Hmm, I was right," you pause at his words. "I was right, you do not deserve to be here. You call this love?" He points an accusatory finger at you. "You call this heartbreak?" The entire hall stops at your teacher's raised voice. "This is no love lost," he pauses with a pained look in his eyes, "If it were love, you wouldn't be here, eating away at these delights. It would be an ache so potent that it would forbid even the thought of swallowing a bite. There is no pain in you, no struggle, and that is why you are not worthy of being here," your pleas fall short of stopping your mentor as he drags you out of the halls of his school.

"Return only when you have learned to respect the pain of others. If not love, at least learn to be honest with yourself," the doors shut in your face, leaving you dumbfounded.

As the only sister to five brothers, you never had to ask for a thing. Your life had been easy. Your father, a rich courtier, allowed you to study and pursue your passion. Your brothers looked out for you. Your sisters-in-law didn't hate you either. You were not bound to an unfair betrothal either. There was truly no pain in your life.

And from what it seems, even the elven king had not done the job. However, the least you can do is apologize to him. If that is the only way to please your mentor, then so be it. You would find a way to discover the pain that would make you worthy of his teachings again.

Finrod's heart beats with a wild rhythm when he sees you walking towards him again, the one who has the courage of mighty mountains, the daring woman who proposed to him.

Even now, Finrod can't help but wonder about your intentions. It wasn't love... not the love that he knew of. It was something else. A curious thought whispered into Finrod's mind at the very sight of you.

You looked different from earlier. Gone was the joyful confidence and suaveness in your eyes. Instead, you appeared sheepish. What had caused this change in the woman who looked at him with determination, despite the scorn and mocking thrown her way?

"I… I must tell you that I am sorry," your words were different from what Finrod expected. "I am not in love with you, nor am I interested in courting you. I hope you weren't offended by my actions," your words left him speechless.

"Then wh—" Finrod began to speak, but you interrupted him.

"Everyone here was so hyped about the elven king that I had to come see you as well. Personally, I just don't think we would match anyway. You're… too, how do I say it… too clean?" You tilted your head as you spoke. "Like nice or pure, maybe… and I…" You rubbed the back of your neck with an embarrassed laugh.

"So you think I'm too naive and pure," Finrod found himself speaking before he could stop. "You judge me based on an elven king who knows nothing of this world?" Finrod leaned in and watched your pupils dilate as he did so. "Well, I will be going to Red Flower tonight. Alone," Finrod emphasized the last word with a feeling of smugness filling him.

You gaped at him open-mouthed. "Red Flower… it's a brothel," you whispered. "I thought elves… I thought you were taken…" Your voice sounded scandalized. Finrod felt a surge of satisfaction at your astounded expression.

And that is how you ended up accompanying the elven king to watch scantily clad women dancing in dimly lit rooms. Worried about leaving the pretty king alone in the red district of the town, you followed him.

And if any of you end up getting a lap dance at the end of the day then it is no one's business. Not that you would ever be able to tell his betrothed who lives in the Blessed Lands.

With the inhibitions of your master and school gone, you found yourself next to the king more often than not. Sometimes teaching him the art of stealing from guarded orchards, while others trying to pat his back as he coughed after the first whip of the pipe. Turns out elves truly cannot smoke, even when they try really hard.

As you ventured into the tavern, the poorly disguised elven king walked behind you. The shallow hood was not doing him any favors, but despite your numerous attempts, the elf simply did not try on the fake beard.

You stared at two frothing mugs of mead, then turned to look at your partner. "Are you sure elves don't fall ill? I don't want to be linked to any harm done to your majesty." Finrod did not answer you with words; instead, he chugged the entire mug.

"Uaaw… Ughh," you didn't even flinch when Finrod gaged next to you. "How?" he questioned your ability to drink without a wince. "I told you it's not your refined and aged wine," you winked at the hidden royal.

"Why do you think God would be found in an effigy made of stone?" You glared at Finrod as you tried to shut him up. He clearly was intent on getting you and himself to the halls of Mandos, as he called it.

"It is merely a belief, a custom. Can you not sound so dismissive right now?" You dragged the king away from the crowd and the looming temple in the background. "People find hope where they can, be it in a stone shaped into their belief," Finrod stared at you, and you tried not to huff. It would really make your nostrils flare in the most unappealing way possible. "Not everyone is born in the land of gods, King Finrod."

"Forgive me," two words spoken with utmost sincerity erased all your anger in a heartbeat.

As Finrod prepared to leave, a sense of restlessness washed over your heart. The impending separation weighed heavily on your mind, and you found yourself unable to break away from his gaze. There was an unspoken challenge in his eyes, as if daring you to venture into an unknown battle of emotions.

"Is this how you men hug?" Finrod asked, a playful note in his voice, as you embraced him tightly to bid farewell. You chuckled softly, not wanting to let go. "Yes," you replied, a hint of reluctance in your voice. But just as you started to pull away, you felt Finrod's arms tighten around you, holding you closer.

"Then stay like this a little longer," he murmured, his voice laced with a mixture of longing and sincerity. The words caught you off guard, stirring a flurry of emotions within you. Your heart skipped a beat as you contemplated the deeper meaning behind his request.

"You want to run away or something?" you teased, trying to mask the sudden vulnerability that threatened to surface. A mischievous smirk danced on your lips as you challenged him playfully. "Like leave your kingdom and visit brothels with me?"

For a moment, the air hung heavy with anticipation. Finrod's gaze locked with yours, and you could sense the gravity of his response before he even uttered a word. His eyes spoke volumes, filled with unwavering determination and a longing for a different kind of freedom.

"Yes," he answered, his voice steady and resolute. The single word hung in the air, leaving you momentarily stunned. Your heart pounded in your chest, and a mix of excitement and uncertainty coursed through your veins.

"What do you mean?" you asked, your voice betraying a hint of apprehension. You searched his eyes for clarity, seeking to understand the depth of his intentions. The mischievousness in your voice was replaced by genuine curiosity.

A soft smile tugged at Finrod's lips, a gentle reassurance in his gaze. The seriousness in his stare extinguished any doubt, leaving you breathless. "I mean it," he replied, his voice unwavering. "I want to be the most un-elven elf with you. So, should we run away now?"

Your mind raced, trying to comprehend the weight of his words. A mix of emotions flooded your being — fear, excitement, and a flicker of hope. You hesitated for a moment, unsure of what this new path might bring, but the glimmer of possibility was too enticing to resist.

"I'm just joking," you finally managed to utter, "I wouldn't want to steal elves of their king," a hint of uncertainty lacing your words. But as you gazed into Finrod's eyes, you saw a lightness return to his expression, a playfulness that belied his sincerity. It was as if he understood the complex dance of emotions within you and accepted it without judgment.

A smile broke across Finrod's face, reaching his eyes and erasing any trace of doubt. He released you from his embrace, but his presence lingered, a connection that transcended the physical touch. "Maybe it was just a joke," he conceded, his voice filled with warmth, "but sometimes, jokes reveal the deepest desires hidden within our hearts."

That was how you parted with Finrod. Your last meeting held no promise of another.

Something gnawed at your soul — a settling dread that you would not be seeing him anymore. He was gone just like that. He might even not remember visiting you in his long lifetime.

Lost in your thoughts, you continued walking, and for the first time, you did not have a destination in mind. You walked past your school, your home, and the brothels you visited with Finrod, but nothing seemed to hold your attention. So you continued walking, step after step, pulled by an invisible force.

Clutching your satchel close to you, you followed the call that tugged at the weight that seems to have settled in your heart.

You stand outside the closed doors of your once home. And you know these doors will not be opening for you. Neither these doors nor the doors that lead to your mentor. You are no longer welcome in the world that you once called yours.

Clutched in your hand is a piece of paper. A crumbled piece of paper, that loses its ink to the merciless downpour of rain.

You could not find yourself to lament the loss of the words fading with every passing second. After all, these words were all you had left now. An abundance of them flocked every aspect of your life.

Nothing but these wretched words, the once you paid for with everything you ever valued.

It had been days since you had last barged through the doors of your mentor's place. You had expected to find the answers to your anguish there. To maybe seek approval for the bargain that seemed to have stripped you from your soul.

He should have known the answers to the path he led to you. When you enter the halls you once wished to be part of, you received nothing but stares full of contempt or found yourself confronted by the scorn of the ones who claimed to be the mascots of love.

If you had been more aware of the surroundings maybe you would have noticed your unkempt clothes, your unbrushed hair, or your bare feet that were bleeding onto the polished floors.

You held on to bunched up pages in your hands. Blank sheets full of poetry, yearning, and want. "Take it back," the words leave your mouth at the first sight of your mentor. You hand him the papers that he barely holds on to. "Take back or undo whatever it is that your teachings have led me to. I have written like you wanted. I have created like those love-crazed sufis now make this stop. Make this stop." The hall stands quiet.

"I cannot do that," your mentor's voice is a whisper. "No one can," he sounds so meek, unlike his past self.

"You don't understand. I cannot live like this. I cannot spend nights thinking of the one whose name I have already written a thousand times. I am looking for him, the king of elves, they call him Vidri or Finrod. I cannot find him. Tell me where he lives or where to find him..." your words thunder like the skies of July. You kneel in front of the one who you once knew to be your teacher. Begging for a respite of any kind.

You have been looking for Finrod for days but no matter how far your footsteps took you, you found no trace of the one you searched for. People knew of the golden-haired king but none knew of his kingdom. It was as if every proof of his existence evaporated into the searing winds of the desert.

You visited every place, every nook, every corner where you once saw him but there were no signs of him. Only the emptiness of your own yearning stared back at you.

"Please bring him back," your mentor steps back from your crouched figure.

Oh, the ecstasy of love's sweet wine, Intoxicates the soul with bliss divine. In the union of lover and beloved, they become one, An unsaid union, under the eternal sun.

So let the heart yearn, let it ache and pine, For in love's longing, a purpose divine. Through love's trials, the soul finds its way, To the eternal realm, where love holds sway.

So I embrace the reflection, a reflection of divine, As I seek him, I find my own essence entwined. In the labyrinth of love, I am both seeker and sought, A journey where duality is naught.

Finrod read the words once, then again, and again. He couldn't stop. Even without a name, he knew they were your words. Written by an anonymous poet, they resonated with him deeply because none would know them better than Finrod.

Hidden in the tavern he had once visited with you, Finrod smiled at the withered page of paper. So you had made it after all. Pride and joy filled him, but so did a sense of foreboding.

He ventured out, searching for you, but no one uttered your name. It had become taboo. The world had moved on without you. Your mentor, your friends, your brothers, they all stepped into a time where there was not a mention of you.

Where were you? You belonged here, with your people, in your bustling bazaars where you first met him. He had expected to return to a frozen time. And maybe this time… maybe he could finally tell you of his heart.

He found you amidst scorns and muttered curses. A frown appeared on his face as he noticed the averted eyes. "She had it coming with her deeds," an aged woman with a kind smile said without an ounce of sympathy or love for you. "A woman of the worst character. Did you know she had been seen frequenting those wretched brothels and indecent taverns? When asked, she spouted nonsense. Her brothers did not care for it and kicked her out. Her mentor, a respectable man, did not fare well with it either. For days she wandered these streets like a lewd prostitute, but then just left one day. Must have found another man or died in a ditch for all I care," disgust filled Finrod at the woman's words, but before he could defend you, another voice interrupted him.

"Come back, Granny, don't stand there talking to strangers," a child rushed forward and guided the elderly woman away from Finrod. Patting Finrod's shoulder, the woman started walking away. "Must have been some elven magic. That wretch would not stop talking about that elven king. She would write of him, sing of him, speak to him gazing in the skies...she was too far gone. "

When I looked for myself, I found his eternal flame, And in seeking him, I discovered my own name. In the sacred union of love's tether, I found the Beloved, in the depths of my own self, forever.

At last, Finrod had become your heartbreak.

[scalamore]

Ch 96 - Random thoughts and impressions (small spoilers)

Fangirl time

I LOVE how Lari is the one who's a blushing mess during the horse ride home. Usually the ML is flustered because of the FL's boob squish, but Lari is as affected by it. She's completely paralyzed because all her senses is focused on his solid, muscular chest HAHAHA. Surprisingly, Rupert isn't blushy or awkward about hit, he's ok with it. BUT I BET IF THE POSTIONS WERE REVERSED HE MIGHT BE REALLY BLUSHING?? haha

On a random note, I wish we got more Lari cleavage. Apparently KKP doesn't allow too much since this is the all-ages version. I think it's nice Lari has a nice chest, makes her extra soft and fluffy :3

Yup, Lari is not getting the think that Rupert likes her romantically. She's still thinking about TL1 and how he married Tory. She's not quite sure if RupeTory have a romantic inclination, but at least confirms he has no active plans of marrying Tory or anyone else right now. Interesting I WONDER WHY THAT IS LARI.

OK tory is just ridiculously creepy, just using Lari's balcony as an entrance/exit , staring at her when she's asleep and then moving on. Lari's a pretty light sleeper so she knows this has been going on. CREEPY.

THERE IS BOUND TO BE SOME COMMENTER who sees that in this time skip things are boring ("that's it"?), that Lari fixed her initial problem already and she's just idling time away passively. I will try my best to ignore the haters and not spoil HOW this is the calm before the storm... this calmness is what made it extra painful later when plot hits.

IDK what to make of the manhwa saying she's 17 soon. Is it an error? instead of a 6 month time skip, is it now 1 year and 6 months??? IDKKKKKKKKK (see my prior post)

ANYWAYS. LARI LOOKS EXTRA ELEGANT AT THE SECOND HALF OF THE CHAPTER. She's winding down for the night, drinking tea, and she looks extra mature and pretty to me. The S3 cover makes it seem she doesn't get a haircut/permanent hair style change, so maybe this is her casual hair on a cold winter day?? I also don't know what to think about this.

I like Elaine, she's cool

YES, THE DETAIL WHERE RUPERT GRABS HER HANDS AAAA I hope we get the internal monologue about that it's v cute to read

OMG THE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS ARE AMAZING. You can see the moment the light is extinguished from his eyes in those cuts. There's a subtle texture oh his cheeks/nose/hands - showing he's been out wandering out in the snow for who knows how long before he arrived at Lari's balcony.

I call it a balcony, but it's on the 1st floor. I don't know a better word for it.

HAHAH so he does flop on her bed in the novel, but it just hits differently to see him just getting nicely tucked into 'Lari's bed by Lari herself. She actually tries to kick up out with the comment of needing a bath in the novel lol. DOMESTIC LARI IM OK WITH TOO

OMG RUPERT LOOKS SO EMPTY AND DEAD INSIDE. POOR GUY IS JUST LOST AND BROKEN RN while Lari is trying to get him to open up and talk about what's wrong

LARI UR SHOCKED FACE IS JUST SO CUTE I LOVE YOU

So technically Rupert's red eyes aren't because he's been crying, but rather, they're red/baggy because of the shock/realization he has nothing left. he's completely empty, the emperor is dead, he killed him himself, yet EMPTY. NOTHING. IS HE HAPPY? no. IS HE SAD? No. EMMMPPPPTTTYYYYY

PLEASE MANHWA TEAM, GIVE US A GOOD CHAPTER 97 WITH LOTS OF EXPOSITION OF WHAT HAPPENED TO RUPERT AAAAAAA

[ultramarine-spirit]

In fact, something that always caught my attention is that the wmmap merch always focuses on the same 4 as always: Athy, Claude, Lucas and Ijekiel but never on jennette, Anas or Roger...

It's not that I'm complaining, the more Athy merch I have the better for me (besides, Anas and Roger are very irrelevant to me, not hate just irrelevant) and I prefer a thousand times more to have Lucas, Ijekiel and even Claude merch than the others ( although I wouldn't mind having something more from Lily, Felix or Diana) but i'm surprise there isn't so much of the others... Is it because Athy, Claude, Lucas and Ijekiel are the most popular? (well Athy and Claude are the mc after all, it makes sense in their case i guess) Anyways I think it would make sense to focus the merch on the most beloved characters rather than on the less-loved ones... so not complaining xd

I mostly agree with your impression that Athy, Lucas and Claude take all the merch, but I don't think Ijekiel gets nearly as much. As individual merch of his (not counting prints of panels because those are really low-effort to make and all characters get some), I think he has... a small magnet, a pin and a clear file? Sure, that's better than the rest of the cast, but nothing compared to lucathy + Claude (who get multiple standees, clear files, magnets, pins, cushions, dolls, manjuu plushies, perfumes, stamps, badges, stickers, glass display thingies, dakimakuras, keychains, and a long etc. Seriously, just search "merch" on my blog).

As someone who casually collects some merch, I keep an eye on reselling sites, and oh boy. First thing to notice, the chinese market makes way more merch than the korean one, and moves way more money. That merch is always of Athy, Claude and Lucas because they are super popular with chinese readers (and wmmap itself is big in China). That seems to be the general opinion everywhere, but in China the gap between them and the other characters is way bigger. Wmmap's weibo tag is literally just lucathy and Claude. In months I have seen like 3 Ijekiel posts, I'm not joking.

Secondly, it's easy to gauge popularity seeing what merch gets sold first, what prices they are listed as, and what people ask for on social media. Let me tell you, it's almost impossible to get the more sought-after Lucas merch, it's gone in an instant. And it can get really, really expensive. Thinking about it, Lucas fans are the most dedicated for sure. I have seen a lot of pictures of people buying dozens of Lucas manjuu plushies. Like, worth 100 USD or more. And people are always asking for Lucas merch. Same thing with shared boxes, the Lucas merch from the limited volumes always gets claimed first. Athy and Claude also have a ton of dedicated collectors, but I think Lucas has an edge over them. As a side note, the fan-made merch also follows this trend. Lucas and Athy get plushies, prints, stickers, pins, bookmarks, even the rare published doujins, Claude following them behind.

As to why Athy, Lucas and Claude get so much merch compared to the rest of the cast... Is it really that surprising? They have always been the fan favorites ever since the novel days. Companies make merch they believe it's going to sell, they know their markets. Maybe it can seem a little unfair that other characters don't get more stuff, but think about it from their POV. Are there hundreds of, say, Anastasius, Felix or even Jennette fans that justify making merch? Most likely not. Now, why they aren't as popular I wouldn't be able to tell you. Being secondary characters is a big reason, but plot-relevancy and the public's reception of their characters are probably important factors as well, and I don't have an objective answer to that.

[thebreakfastgenie]

It seems weird to be like mentioning that the show might not be made in a conversation about how to treat people who watch it. Like if the show isn't made this all of this is irrelevant. It feels sort of derail-y that you keep bringing up

Besides, even non-online people are aware of Rowlings BS- and even if they aren't, if they're like a basically decent person someone saying 'hey maybe don't support that show because X' will lead to them looking it up, being informed and not continuing watching it. If someone either refuses to get more informed or continues to consume regardless then they're probably not a great person to have in your life

Not watching it is the bare minimum, and it's great that so many people don't want to relate to those who won't do the bare minimum.

Of all the people in this scenario to get upset at you've picked the weirdest group

There is no conversation. I made a post which was not about how to treat people who watch the show, it was about my observation that tumblr is getting disproportionately and prematurely worked up.

It’s not “de-raily” because the show does not exist yet. I’m not “derailing” anything because my whole point is we don’t need to be having a conversation about how to treat people who watch this show that has not even been made yet. I also very specifically made my own post instead of reblogging one of the ones I saw. The fact that the show hasn’t been made yet has been relevant from the beginning, it’s not derailing just because the anons in my inbox don’t care.

If public opinion is negative enough, maybe it won’t get made! So focusing on that and taking action like telling HBO you’ll cancel subscriptions or whatever make sense right now. If the posts were saying “here’s how to talk to people about how this show shouldn’t be made and what to tell HBO” that would make sense. Talking about what to do when the show gets made if people insist on watching it is distracting from actions that could be more immediate.

Not everyone offline is aware of JKR’s BS and even if they are, it’s simply not the typical reaction to never consume HP again. Even if they’re “decent people.” This is what I’m saying. I agree with not giving JKR money, although I’m honest about the fact that I wouldn’t be anyway because I don’t care about HP. But to people who aren’t online, HP simply doesn’t induce the same reaction it does in people who are online. I’ve witnessed this. Even people who think it’s bad don’t see it as the same level of bad. They have a point, too. I think HP and JKR are disproportionately hated online because JKR developing the views she has felt like a personal betrayal to so many.

I don’t even know if I’d call not watching the show the bare minimum because people watch offensive shows and shows that financially support horrible people all the time. Again, JKR is infamous to people who follow this stuff online, but much less so to people who don’t.

If people don’t want to relate to people who watch the show that’s fine, it’s a personal boundary. What I’m rolling my eyes at are the posts urging other people to do this like it’s some kind of activism.

[ktficworld]

Lavender haze

Pairing: Steve Rogers x f! Reader

Summary: Steve is shy, the girl he likes is shy and Bucky have had enough watching their pinning.

Warnings: fluff, maybe an offensive joke(for the snowflakes)

A/n: this is my opening to ce characters. Idk who's gonna read this but I hope it's good. I almost got a heart attack when this didn't appear in drafts

Main masterlist

Steve Rogers masterlist

I love you Steve Rogers, why aren't you real? ♥️

First time was an accident...

They were coming back from an excruciating mission from Germany and to say he was tried would be an understatement.

His whole body ached, his eyes didn't get a blink of sleep for how long, he didn't know. He was going crash out the moment he reached his room.

The moon shined in the sky as he drove them back to the compound. Steve was in the backseat talking to whoever, he didn't noticed. While Sam was whining in his ears about how exhausted he was, how he beat the shit out of the hydra agents, etc.

Bucky had already tuned out Sam and focused all his energy on driving. Plus, who listens to Sam anyways.

"I'm going straight to bed, after reaching home. " Sam said, barely keeping his eyes open.

"No, we have to go to the debriefing first. " Steve said.

This made Bucky kick the breaks. Making the car come to a stop abruptly. Sam almost hitting his head on the dashboard. He finally snapped from his zombie like trance after listening to this statement.

"Steve are you serious? " Sam asked incredulously.

"Yes"

"I'm not going. " Sam said and threw his in the air.

"Sam" Steve said in a low voice.

"I have been awake for 48 hours! "

"So, am I. "

"You are a super solider, I'm not. I'm going to pass out if I don't sleep. "

Sensing Steve's stubbornness, Bucky turned to his best friend.

"Steve, I know Wilson has a flare for the dramatics. But he's right this time. " He said, ignoring the dirty look Sam sent him.

"But fury is already there. "

Both Sam and Bucky groaned in unison and looked at each other before Sam again spoke to Steve.

"Then, let's go get some coffee. I don't see any other way brain will function. "

Before Steve could say anything, Bucky interrupted. "Yes, let's do this, " He saw Steve's mouth open in objection. "No, Steve you are already dragging us in a stupid meeting. You don't get a say. " Whatever Steve's argument was, died in this throat as he swallowed his words and closed his lips.

Pleased, he turned on the engine, started driving, in search of a cafe. After watching the buildings move backward for sometime. They finally found a cafe. It was close to the compound, but not at a walking distance.

Three of them walked into the cafe, the November breeze flowing raffling their hair. Except Sam.

They gave their order and went to sit down, much to Steve's confusion. He and Sam sat down. Steve coming towards them with a scowl, oh he already knew what's going to happen.

"What are you doing? "

"Sitting" Sam replied nonchalantly.

"We need to go to the debriefing. "

"Steve relax, it won't be long. Plus fury can wait. " Bucky said, his friend can be really a stuck up sometimes.

"No way, I'm going to ask them for to go . "Steve hastily turned to make the change. But in his recklessness bump into someone, or should he say a girl.

"Ouch! " The girl exclaimed, her drink hitting the floor.

"I'm sorry miss I-" He froze when he looked at the girl.

The woman looked at him wide eyed, wonder and surprise shinning in her eyes. She was wearing a long blue dress with floral print and a hoodie on top. A peculiar combination but she looked... Cute.

"Captain Rogers? " The girl asked, a little breathless.

"I uh-" Steve stuttered his face slowly turning crimson. And Bucky knew it was not because of the chilly air.

He smirked and turned towards Sam who was also quite enjoying this little conversation.

He slightly shook his head. Steve Rogers who could scold the president while not even breaking a sweat, was now having heart palpitations while talking to this woman.

Steve cleared his throat and said. "I'm sorry miss, because of my hurry I bumped into you and your drink also got wasted. Let me buy you another. "

"It's okay and no need to buy me a drink. " She said with a soft smile.

"No, I insist. " He said and asked the barista to make what she ordered. After the order was made he paid the barista and handed it to the girl.

She bit her lip and smiled skyly. "Thank you, captain Rogers. "

"My pleasure. " He said, scratching the back of his neck.

With a smile the girl left the cafe and Bucky and Sam joined Steve. Unbeknownst to Steve during this little chat, their coffee already got served and like the best friend he is. He kindly requested a to go, for Steve.

"Let's go. " Bucky said while handing Steve his coffee.

Steve nodded and they headed outside. In the parking lot he saw the cute girl. Her and Steve's eyed locked and she waved at him with a smile, Steve waved back with a fond smile.

"She is cute. " Bucky said with a knowing smile. Steve quickly looked ahead, as if finally realizing, he was not alone.

"Yeah" Steve said flatly and got into the car.

Bucky stopped in his tracks.

Wait! That's it.

🌷

Second time was a coincidence...

After the debriefing He literally passed out, after reaching his room. He was intending to stay in his room all day, only coming out to eat. But, no luck couldn't let that happen!

That's why here he was, hair ruffled, clothing a mess. Walking side by side with Sam to the nearest cafe. The slightly cold morning and the glaring yet soothing sunshine added to his misery.

"Stark and his shit twelve hundred dollar coffee maker. What is the point of wasting this ton of money, if it isn't even going to work? " Sam ranted. Twinning Bucky's red eyes and tired face. He just hummed.

Finally after a long walk they arrived at the shop, driving was not a option. Before Bucky could reach for the door. Sam chimed.

"Is that Steve."

He turned back and yep. It was Steve, in his workout clothes, on his faster-than-car run. Oh god! Didn't he ever got tired? Weren't they given the same super solider serum? Maybe dr. Erskine's had better quality.

"Hey punk! " Buck shouted, atleast he tried.

Steve stopped and looked in their direction, squinting. Maybe he recognized that these sack-bags were his friends as he made his way towards them.

"Bucky, sam? " Steve enquired and looked them up and down. His face turning concerned. "Are you alright? "

"Nah, we just need coffee. " Bucky said dismissing Steve's concerns.

Steve raised his eyebrows and hummed. "Let's go inside then. " With that they went in.

🌷

They were waiting for their orders when a sweet voice called out. "Captain Rogers"

Their head wiped towards the voice, Steve's was fastest. There she was, again now wearing a pink dress with a beige cardigan. Gazing at Steve in surprise her eyes darted around and widened when they fell on him and Sam.

"Sergeant Barnes, Mr. Wilson" She quickly added.

"No need for formalities sweetie. It makes me feel like a 90 years old. " Sam spoke but hissed afterwards as he kicked him under the table. Bucky glared at him and gestured at Steve, who's jaw was clenched so tightly Bucky was afraid he might break his teeths.

She smiled but her attention returned back to Steve. "It's nice to see you again. " She said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

Steve was melting inside, he was sure of that.

"You too. Do you frequent this place. " Bucky was surprised with Steve's clean response. He was expecting him to stumble a bit.

"Yeah, it's my favorite. "

"That's nice, miss... " He trailed off, not knowing her name

Wait! He didn't know her name? Isn't that the first thing you ask about a person? He was a punk indeed.

She immediately gave her name. Which brought a soft smile and light pink colour on Steve's face.

After that the orders arrived and she smiled at Steve one last time before opening her laptop and busying herself with it. Or so he thought because.

oh! How wrong he was.

During the the whole time they were there Steve and the sweet girl kept stealing glance. Even smiling at each other when there eyes locked. Steve's coffee got finished a long time ago but he didn't made any efforts to leave. Instead he was shyly looking at her like he wanted to speak a thousand words of affection, worry, sadness and joy. But they were stuck between anonymity and longanimity.

When she finally left. Steve turned to them expectantly. Bucky and Sam shared a meaningful glance before Bucky voiced his thoughts.

"So, when are you going to ask her out? "

"Ask who? "

"You know who, y/n."

Steve looked away before speaking again, his voice stern. "Don't be silly. It's too early. " With that he left.

Ugh! Dense

🌷

But third time was fucking intentional...

After the morning conversation. Bucky tried to pursued Steve about making a move but he didn't budge. So, he gave up, chalking it to nervousness.

This morning they were at the gym for their workout. They were already done. Bucky went to the nearest bench, breathing heavily. He picked up his water bottle and started talking large gulps when Steve spoke.

"I'm going to the cafe. Sam, bucky are you coming too. "

Bucky choked on his water, Sam side eyed Steve with a smirk and Natasha just looked confused.

"Yeah, sure. " He said coughing a little.

Steve gave a small smile. "I'll be in the lobby. " And then he left.

Natasha gave him a "what the fuck" Look. To which he in turn gave a "I'll explain later" Look and rushed outside.

🌷

Steve almost broke Bucky. Because this punk couldn't gather enough courage to aske her out.

At first he was supportive and gave him time. Went with him to the cafe for encouragement.

She would come to the cafe. On a cute bicycle, which sometimes had flowers in the front basket. Make small talk then they would exchange glances and smiles and it would end with Steve's defeated face as he once again, failed to say her out.

Steve had also made sketches of her and just starred at her without saying anything. Which he found really creepy. But, hey. Maybe it was introverts love language or some shit.

But what really broke the sergeant's hand was when Steve finally got his shit together and decided to finally talk to the girl. He brought some flowers, dressed nicely and went to the cafe. He thought that was it.

But as soon as he entered through the door. His confidence evaporated like water and he gave the flowers to a old lady and left. He knew technically she was of his age, but still.

If he was a father his kid would have never recovered from the disappointed glare he gave to Steve.

🌷

Exasperated he dropped down on the couch.

"So are you going to tell me what's going on with Rogers. " Natasha's cool voice made him jump. He looked to his right to see her sitting there with a knowing smirk, arms draped over the couch and looking so-

"It's a shit show. " He explained everything.

"Oh, Rogers got a crush. "

"But he's a dumbass. "

"Come on Bucky. Use your brain, " She leaned closer and whispered. "Who would know trickery better than us. " She winked.

Oh

🌷

The next day he went with Steve, as usual. But stayed behind while letting Sam and him go. When Steve asked he gave an excuse that his motorbike was acting up.

Then, he went to the bicycle while looking around. He didn't wanted to go viral for flattening someone's tyre. After doing his job he headed to the cafe, while silently praying that he doesn't go to hell for this.

Steve, unsurprisingly didn't deter from his normal routine. But, now he had to make them leave the cafe at the same time as the sweet girl or she would leave in a cab.

"Steve, tony just messaged me. He's calling us back. " Bucky lied, when he saw her packing her things.

"Why? "

"Maybe something came up. " He shrugged.

Steve sighed and stood up, Sam and him doing the same. The girl had already left, but not the cafe.

They entered the parking lot, ready to go. He glanced in the direction of the bicycle and sure enough. She was there looking down at her bike with a frown.

"What happened y/n." Bucky poked. Steve's head immediately whipped to their direction.

Hmm, simp.

"My tyre is punctured. "

"How? " Steve moved closer to her.

"I don't know. When I came here, it was just fine."

"Oh, that's sad, " Bucky drawled out. "But Steve can drop you off. "

If looks could kill, he would have been six feet under due to the deathly glare Steve was giving him. But he continued the innocent facade. "Plus won't it be safer if captain America drops you rather than a cab driver. "

"But what about tony. " Steve argued.

"You don't worry about him. Also you know how tony is, he may just be calling us to show off his new invention, " He looked at Sam. "Don't you agree? "

"Yep" Sam replied Bucky could hear a smirk in his voice.

Steve finally resigned. "Alright, " He turned to her. " May I? "

She nodded and said. " Yes" And hopped on the motorcycle. Goosebumps forming on her arms.

He noticed and frowned. "Are you cold? " She looked up at him, flustered. "Yes, I forgot my cardigan today. "

Steve removed his jacket and gave it to her. She took it with a small smile and wore it, the jacket swallowing her whole.

After that they left. Bucky waved at them before sam spoke.

"You did it. Didn't you? "

"Yes" He mumbled.

"Do you really think Steve would ask her out now? "

He nodded and started the ignition.

"Nah, I don't think so. He's too chicken shit to do it. " Sam countered.

Bucky raised an eyebrow. "Wanna bet, Wilson. "

🌷

You couldn't believe you were riding with Steve Rogers.

You had a crush on him since childhood and when you first bumped into him. You couldn't help but stare at him in awe.

Then everytime you met him you try to talk to him. Even if your communication skills were not that polished.

You always caught him looking at you with a twinkle in his eyes. But always brushed it off as accidental glances. He was out of your league, even if your little heart flutter everytime you met his cerulean eyes.

So, when today. You found your tyre flattened and sergeant Barnes asked Steve to drop you off. You were speechless and and flustered aa hell.

And when he gave his jacket to you. You thought you were floating on clouds. His scent was so hypnotizing. His hands were flexing on the bike handles and you could easily look at his perfect profile.

He cleared his throat and you quickly looked away, not wanting to get caught starring.

"I.. Uh... Never asked for your address. " He stuttered.

Your eyes widened at the realization. "And I never gave. " You chuckled nervously

Before you could say anything, a car suddenly whooshed past you. Making Steve hit the breaks.

The abruptness made the bike jerk forward and you collided with his back and your hand flew to his chest for support.

Breathing heavily you noticed that his one hand was on your hips and yours on his chest. Oh holy Mother of christ. You could feel his body from his too thin shirt. Your cheeks were on fire.

"Are you okay? " He asked worriedly.

You nodded while still trying to clam your racing heart.

"Address? " He asked, breathless.

"Huh? "

"Address? " He said a little louder.

"Yeah that. " You hurriedly gave the address and he started the bike again. Now with arms around him and cheeks ablaze.

🌷

"This is not a house. " Steve said.

He was disappointed that his ride with you was over. And that he still hasn't asked you out. He confidence always faded around pretty women.

"Yeah, it's my shop, " You said, gently stepping on the pavement. "I'm a florist. " You removed his jacket and tried to give him back.

"No, keep it. " He said while trying to think of a way to finally ask you for a date.

"But it's yours. "

"Nah, it's okay I'm not cold. "

"But-" She protested.

"No buts keep it. " He motioned for her to go.

"Okay then... Bye. " She waved.

"Bye" He muttered, sighing as he saw your retreating figure and taking a deep breath he decided. Now or never.

He called out your name and you stopped at the door and then turned around, your lavender dress fluttering due to the wind.

"Yes? " You asked.

"Can I get some of your favorite flowers? " He asked with a smile.

Smiling shyly you said yes and opened the door wider.

🌷

Sam and Bucky were sitting on the couch, watching shitty shows and eating. It was late in the evening. When they saw Steve enter the room, jacket gone, smelling like flowers and wearing a shit eating grin. They knew what happened. No, not that, I can't write that.

"How was your day? Steve. " Bucky asked with a smirk.

" Great" He replied and went to his room.

Bucky looked at sam wiggling his eyebrows. Sam grunted and slide him a 500 dollar bill. He smugly took the bill and smiled victoriously.

Mission accomplished.

[sunball]

WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR PERSON'S LIFE RIGHT NOW + A MESSAGE FROM THEM

𖦹 this reading includes what is going on in your person’s life right now, what they (or their higher self) want to say to you at this moment and songs they'd like to give you. this reading is more about your future spouse or your future partner, someone who you may not be in contact with but you're curious about what they're doing.

𖦹 so there will be two paragraphs for each pile (what your person is doing and what they want to say to you). you can choose more than one pile. ex: pile 1 for what your person is doing and pile 2 for the message.

𖦹 how does this work? close your eyes and take deep breaths, pick the pile you are most drawn to. If you aren’t drawn to any pile then that’s okay, these messages aren’t for you.

𖦹 take what resonates.

THE PILES

PILE 01

now playing:

now playing:

pile 01's songs

THEIR LIFE

hello pile 01, welcome to your reading. I'm getting a lot of fire energy here, especially leo. I'm hearing Leo in 1st and 10th house, aries in 8th house, aries mars, mars in 10th house and also Venus in 2nd and 3rd house. I'm also getting gemini and capricorn. capricorn mars, aquarius venus. If these aren't your placements then they're most likely your person's placements. or perhaps, those are their transits. I feel a lot of confident energy from your person, I think they are at a good place right now. Your person has been betrayed and heartbroken quite recently but I feel like they're not trying to let that get to them. they're keeping their head high, focusing on their goals and working really hard. the pain motivated them to work hard, maybe as a way to get revenge? In their head, they may think that if they work hard, they can show off their success to the person that broke them like "hey, look at me now!". for some others, it's possible that they're working really hard because the work distracts them from the pain and the situation. they're acting like the pain isn't affecting them, I'm seeing them just laughing and hanging out with a group of people (their friends?) acting like theyre not dealing with any problems. your person is definitely at a period of time where work is only on their mind, they're hungry for success. success is the only thing your person is heading towards, it's the only direction they see. love isn't on your person's mind at all so I doubt that you've crossed their mind. but little do they know, the direction that they're heading towards will also lead them to you. your person may have travelled somewhere recently or maybe they're thinking of travelling somewhere else. there is change on the horizon for your person, maybe they will be promoted soon or moving countries, going to university, etc. they are so ambitious. I'm seeing piles of paper on desks, papers stuck on walls with dates and notes on them and also quotes. motivational quotes perhaps. your person is also working out, they could be getting up quite early. 6 am? I'm getting mad mars in 6th house vibes from your person. they're feeling burnt out, they have so much on their plate but they're not stopping anytime soon because they like it and also because they have no choice. they're also taking many responsibilities, I'm hearing house chores, work and looking after their parents or siblings. your person could be a student, a business person or they could work in an office. they're organizing their workspace and keeping track of their schedule, getting ready for the next chapter of their life. laziness is not in your person's vocabulary!

THEIR MESSAGE

you know, I am so busy right now. I'm too exhausted to even think about love, to think about you. I don't think about it anymore unlike before. I know at times you feel like we're nowhere close and you doubt my existence because of how distant I feel and I'm sorry. It is partially true, we're nowhere close to eachother and we're both individual human beings. let's live in the present and experience things and meet new people without having to think about eachother. I don't feel right about thinking of the future and just hoping for something to happen, hoping to just end up with someone like you. It doesn't feel right. I need to do something, I need to take action. that's exactly what I'm doing now. It gives me a sense of stability knowing that I'm taking action and there's a high possibility of my dreams coming true. I've promised myself that I won't stop working until I've achieved everything. I can't do all of this by myself, I need your help too. I'm asking you a favour, do your part. I'm doing mine. work hard and don't slack off. I'm sorry again for sounding cold, I'm not like this on a daily basis. I'm just really tired. I need to get my point across. don't slack off. please. I'll keep saying that. oh, that reminds me. at times I will definitely sound like a teacher or a boss, it's just a habit I got from work. It's not my intention to make you feel stupid, I know you're smart. I wanted you to know that because I don't want you to think I'm generally a cold person. I'm not. when tarot readers or psychics or astrologers or whoever says that I'm cold, they only mean when I'm at work or when I'm busy or serious. I would never be like that to someone I love, especially you. truthfully speaking, you don't know much about me at all especially if you think I'm a cold person. that thought you have of me stops now. I'm guessing that you're curious about me now. I like to look neat and clean, I don't like bright colours, they look unprofessional. I hang out with my friends sometimes and we just have lunch at a café or a local restaurant. I'm on my computer a lot so my back always hurts but I'm doing exercises to help me with it. I have too many cookbooks that I don't use because I don’t have much time, I end up freestyling my food and cooking up some eggs. I need to get better at managing time. I don't like people that don't practice what they preach, it irritates me. now for my appearance. this, in no way is useful information that will help us in any way but I suppose I'll just tell you. I have a sharp nose, it's pointy and a little wide. I don't have any piercings. I don't have bangs. as for my eyes, they're brown and deep-set. my lips? they're just lips. you'll love them anyway so it doesn't matter. my hair? neat and brown. you'll love it too. that's enough. you can stop trying to get to know me now, leave that for when we meet. you can know me more yourself when the time comes, I like the process of getting to know someone and the effort someone puts into getting to know me. until then, keep working hard.

PILE 02

now playing:

pile 02's songs

THEIR LIFE

I’m getting cancer energy from the pile, also pisces and gemini and libra. I’m hearing cancer/pisces/ libra venus, venus in 5th/7th/12th house, pisces moon, mercury in 7th house, cancer in 2nd house, gemini rising. if these aren’t your placements then they’re most likely your person’s, if not then these may be their transits. right now I feel like your person is trying something new, especially a hobby. I’m getting ‘painting’ for some of you. for others, your person has started something new like a project or they moved to a new house, something like that. there’s this feeling of ‘newness’ in your person’s life right now. they have so much passion for whatever this ‘newness’ is. they’re excited for this change, they can’t wait to move to the next stage. I’m feeling a positive energy coming from your person. their creativity is flowing through their blood, they feel inspired and joyous. some of you may not like to hear this but your person may have gotten in a relationship with someone or they want to get into a relationship with someone. they have a crush. I feel like there’s still an important choice to be made and your person has waited such a long time for the next stage, the relationship stage. I feel like their crush or their partner isn’t showing them that much attention, it feels quite one sided (your person giving more), they’re doing so much for their crush/partner but I feel like your person isn’t seeing it right, they’re just so blinded. like a little kid when they have a crush. If you don’t like what you’re hearing, don’t worry, they’re your person for a reason. anyways for others of you, I’m seeing your person listening to music while they’re doing their new hobby. painting is coming really strong, I’m seeing an easel. If it’s not a hobby then your person is feeling in love, whether it be a person or something else. their head is in the clouds, they’re listening to love songs, feeling so inspired by everything around them. love and venus themes is really important in your person’s life right now. If you’ve been listening to love songs recently or if you just feel all lovey-dovey, it’s most likely because of your person, you’re connected to your person. or if you feel inspired out of nowhere, it’s probably because of your person too. I just felt like I had to let you know that. sooner or later though, your person will realise that the relationship is one sided and they will give up on it. this will hit your person really hard, it will be a hard lesson for them. perhaps even the last lesson because I feel like your person has always done too much for people that don’t deserve their love. your person has experienced a lot and learnt many lessons except for this, when they learn this though, they will have learnt all the lessons. they can tick this off their box. I’m getting such wise Pisces vibes from them. for lots of you, your person is already in the 'realisation' stage and there's about to be a change in their life.

THEIR MESSAGE

It’s been challenging these days, maybe even these past few weeks and maybe even months too. It’s fine though, I can get through it. you don’t have to worry about me. I have a gut feeling that something is going to happen soon, disappointments? I’m not surprised, I’ve been so stuck in my own head. I don’t know why I keep giving people more. so stupid of me. maybe it’s not my fault? maybe it’s their fault for giving less, who knows. I don’t know how to stop. why do I do this? I keep getting disappointed over and over again, I’m starting to not have hope anymore. despite this, I still think love is beautiful. with the right person. love is not only limited to romantic love though, which is what I’ve learnt recently. I’ve been so fixated on romantic relationships that I’ve forgotten about the beautiful things around me. surprisingly, there’s love everywhere. do you know what I love? I love the stars, I love flat white coffee, I love the smell of fresh grass, I love nature and the sun, I love dogs (especially small dogs) and I love experiences. experiences that shape me into a better person, painful or not, I love those. not to sound masochistic – but I love pain. I learn from pain. love has always been painful for me but I’m still giving people my all, wrong people to be precise. Is that why I keep falling for people that don’t care about me? because I love getting hurt? now that I’ve thought of it, it sounds terrible. I need to fix that. I feel embarrassed now that you know this, please don’t shake your head. I will fix it. I want this cycle to end. don’t be worried about me. you should continue living your life, there’s yet so much you can experience. places to go, new people to meet, new activities to do. so much. I’d love to experience so many things with you. do you like road trips? I’d love to go on a picnic date too, does stargazing sound good? we could travel around the world, that’s on my bucket list. so many ideas but there’s still so much distance and time between us. I feel excited thinking about it, I want to do so much right now and experience so many things. by the time we meet, I might already have a long white beard because I’ll be so wise *laughs*. who knows, white hair does look awesome. I think it might suit me actually. on a serious note, I want you to know that you should not be afraid to try new things. don't be afraid of change. regret is scarier than change, staying in the same place and not growing is scarier than change. you may lose something good but what if you gain something even better? I’ll be there for you every step of the way, I’m always there for you even though I’m not there with you physically. do you feel me? I’m so proud of you. If you see an opportunity, take it or you’ll regret it later. don’t be afraid of saying no or saying yes, you deserve to be heard, assert your dominance *laughs*. I love you, take care of yourself. you can do it. [:

PILE 03

now playing:

pile 03's songs

THEIR LIFE

I'm getting mutable and fixed energy here, especially scorpio, virgo, leo, sagittarius. maybe scorpio rising and sagittarius rising with pluto in 1st house. I'm hearing saturn in 8th house, saturn in 22°, scorpio sun or moon aspecting saturn, pluto and sun or moon sitting in the same house. if these aren't your placements then they're most likely your person's. these could be their transits too. your person is going through a transformation, something had recently happened in their life that has caused this transformation. I'm thinking it's death, a death of a loved one like a family member, a friend or a pet. someone close to them. If it's not a death of a loved one then it's a death of a cycle, a death of a job, a relationship, something like that. something that came to an end. it's affecting your person badly and they feel so much guilt. they're missing and mourning over whatever this is. they're pessimistic, they feel like the whole world is against them and that their would turned upside down. they have no hope anymore, they're not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm seeing that image of Yuu Otasaka from the anime Charlotte. I think your person is exactly like that right now. depressed. I see tissues, dark rooms and hoodies and blankets. also gaming for a number of you (interesting how the picture you chose is a picture of keys). they're going through it right now and they need support. your person is not communicating with many people or interacting with anyone at all, they're pushing people away. looking at the picture of the pile you chose, I realised it says "wish you were here". now this could mean that they wish that the person they lost were still with them or they wish that someone could come and support them or comfort them, or for a few amount of you, this could be meaning you. they wish you were there with them. however, I don't think love is a thought that comes in their mind in this period of time. it's more like, they're screaming into a void wishing someone could hear them, not directly meaning you. for others of you, I'm getting a different situation. your person may have gotten fired or they tried something but it didn't work out and they had so much hope for it. they badly wanted it to work out and now your person is feeling disappointed in themselves, like someone just ripped away something really valuable to them. your person doesn't know that the reason this, whatever this is, didn't work out is because it wasn't meant to. It's not part of their divine plan. It honestly saved your person from future problems but they don't know that. It's a blessing in disguise. I'm strongly feeling it's something related to their job or maybe love, 'right place, wrong time' is what I'm hearing. your person is blaming themselves for it all, thinking it was because of time, lack of planning or they didn't try hard enough. It isn't true, they should be easy on themselves.

THEIR MESSAGE

I don't know what to say. I don't feel like saying much. why do you want to know anyway? do you care? am I interesting? I'm not all that special, you know. here I go again, making sh*t sad. I'll try and make this light-hearted as possible because you shouldn't see this side of me, not so soon. not like this. *silence* I'll start off by saying that you can't control whatever life throws at you. but you can control your reactions and how you deal with it. I'm not doing very well, not dealing with it the way I usually do. It hit me hard and I don't like being sad like this and not doing anything, not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to talk to anyone, not finding joy in the things I love doing. I hate this f*cking feeling and the way I'm dealing with it. I heard that you should let yourself feel everything once in a while. I'm f*cking feeling everything alright. why did I not let myself feel before? now it's all consuming me. all of my problems and emotions, this darkness inside of me, erupting. I regret this. I regret acting like I was fine before, finding distractions. now I know that being distracted doesn't necessarily mean that it's gone, the problem is still there. don't do what I did. let yourself feel. or it will all build up and eat you alive. you don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want you to be sad, god no. definitely not like this. but if being sad will help you then that's certainly fine by me, just don't act like you're fine. that will hurt me much more. just do what I say. showing emotions is not a sign of weakness. look at me, I'm so f*cked up because of not thinking that. this feeling will go away, right? right. If you need to let it all out, do it. I can feel your sadness, the nights you cried, I felt them. those tears of yours, I want to wipe them away but I'm not there. it sucks. I need you here. I need a good f*cking hug right now. I want you to be happy but I don't know how. I'd do anything to see that smile of yours. that precious smile that I have yet to see. I know it's precious. listen to me. I need you. I need you to stay strong. you're so strong and much more emotionally intelligent than I am. I am so in awe. your strength gives me energy, you give me energy. you're the light of my life. I hope our kids will be as beautiful and as amazing as you. I'm glad I was given the chance to talk to you like this. I love you, sunshine.

[victoria1676]

Secret Garden (Self Aware Genshin Impact X Reader) Prologue: How Are You?

Summary: No matter how many times I die I still couldn't erase the pain. Yet whenever I touch these flowers…I knew that my death will come.

So, please…

Let me spend time with you a little longer until I die?

Fandom: Genshin Impact

Au: SAGAU (Self Aware Genshin Impact Alternate Universe) Imposter AU

WARNINGS: THIS STORY WILL CONTAIN ANGST, VIOLENCE, SLIGHT GORE, MENTIONS OF SUICIDES, MENTIONS OF ABUSE, OBSESSION, SLIGHT YANDERE, CHARACTERS BEING OOC SINCE THIS IS A IMPOSTOR OR VILLAIN AU YOU MIGHT NOT LIKE IT THAT YOUR CHARACTER IS NOT FORGIVEN BY READER. PLEASE NO ATTACKING THIS STORY BECAUSE READER IS NOT FORGIVING THEM! I MADE THIS STORY JUST FOR FUN AND FOR YOU GUYS TO ENJOY! THERE IS ALSO A TWIST OF THIS STORY!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello I finally made the prologue and I really hope you enjoy it! I was inspired by many SAGAU writers and I hope you will like mine. I have been rusty in writing since I haven't been writing a full story due to being busy and suddenly not wanting to finish. These story won't be long but I won't say it's gonna be short ^^

This story will contain a lot of things if you read my warnings and yes some characters will be very OOC along with someone them getting bashed? Well not bashed but not getting their forgiveness forgiven by the reader. So, please don't attack me when I only made this story for fun and stated this story will be full of angst and comfort. It's unconfirmed if this story will have a happy ending so if you feel uncomfortable reading this and feel really hurt then please don't read for the sake of yourself.

This chapter will not make sense a bit but I did that on purpose 😂😂 also this chapter will be focused on Kaeya cause he is my main and first person who I fell in love with so Kaeya fans and simp enjoy this chapter!!

Forgive me if I'm being biased on him but this is just the prologue and you will see more of reader’s relationship with the other characters and yes this might might show a bit Kaeya x reader but you can't blame me for loving this man XD

But anyways I hope you enjoy this story ^^

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Prologue: How are you?]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Kaeya there you are!"

He smiled as he saw his God smiling at him that sent him familiar butterflies yet it also made his heart clenched but decided to ignore it.

"I'm here your Grace as I promised" He said as he sat down in front of you.

You gave him a smile as he sat down in front of you.

"I got you some flowers unfortunately it isn't your (f/f) ones" He said as he placed the pink and red carnations in front of you which made you smile even more, "Traveler and their sibling said that your favorite flowers aren't ready to be to given to you and I'm sure you don't mind it."

You shook your head as your smile stayed the same.

Kaeya chuckled as the area where he and his God are in a beautiful golden field that held different types of flowers and different colored trees along with birds and animals moving around the place. He looked at the scenery with a soft sigh before looking at you.

“We were able to fulfill your wish in finally rebuilding new Khaenri'ah and I…accepted my role of being the Prince-no King of my bloodline” He said, "The former Princess of the Abyss has decided to go back to our dear Traveler and both are making sure none of the nations ever find us or you.”

“The Archons are still demanding us to tell them your whereabouts until now but Teyvat's presence decided to awake and throw them away from your true acolytes knowing they are sick and tired of trying to get you to forgive them when you did announce you wouldn't forgive them anymore”

He could see your eyes soften sometimes whenever he tells you how Teyvat started to awake again just to protect you.

“The twins would visit our world sometimes as the Unknown God disappeared along with Celestia ever since you…fell asleep...The Dendro, Pryo and Hydro Archons decided to make an alliance with us after they heard what happened. Nonetheless it's unknown what they did with the three nations that killed you many times” 

“The rest of the Acolytes are in the Khaenri'ah and Tsarsita has also decided to stabilize an alliance as her people do sometimes visit Khemia and I heard from Traveler that Childe seemed to have an interest with his sister after he fought with her which was such a sight to laugh at seeing the composed friendly mysterious traveler become an angry brother seeing his sister getting flirted By our ginger fatui” He said chuckling remembering the sight of Paimon trying to hold back Aether with XiangLing, “Hell even Dainsleif who isn't the type to get mad at things other than about the Archons is now wanting to kill Childe after seeing him flirting with Lumine”

You started laughing hearing that and he laughs as well remembering Dainsleif being held back by the Abyss order.

Oh how things became chaotic so easily behind your back.

Or it used to be chaotic.

He let out a small grimace smile, “Did you know? My dear brother has decided to side with us and took his punishment well for not helping and chasing after you being the so called impostor has now become one of us”

“To think the esteemed Dark Knight Hero of Mondstadt and the uncrowned king has finally sided with us by abandoning the nation he swore to protect only It's a shame he didn't do it earlier” his voice went lower looking at you. 

You didn't say anything as the winds breeze slowly as Kaeya pulled out your favorite flower that seemed to still have not died or withered yet it is blooming even if it's in your hands. 

“…We missed you your gra-no…we missed you (Y/n)” His voice cracked while twirling your favorite flower. 

“It's okay Kaeya! I miss you as well” You said. 

Yet why couldn't he hear it.

“We promised to wait for you to come back yet.…It's not enough that you aren't here smiling so brightly despite you said that you will come back because we are the ones who showed you kindness”

He remembered meeting you and failing to protect us. The flowers began to grow until they covered your beautiful eyes. He was remembered for being such a failure and drinking himself to death at times yet he stopped knowing he made you cry after seeing him drink a lot of his sorrows. He told you it wasn't your fault yet at the same time he couldn't stop you blaming yourself. 

“You used cry a lot due to the trauma of…dying a lot as Aether, Dainsleif, Albedo and I were the only ones you would seek comfort not wanting the kids to see you crying” He said letting out a low yet sad chuckle feeling his shoulders shake a bit along with his heart clenching a lot. 

“It isn't your fault you know. Please don't be sad for me”

But he has to be sad as one of your beloved creations and the person you made stronger in their journey with the traveler. He couldn't help but be sad for your condition knowing it was futile to break the curse of the flowers killing your body and soul thanks to the stupidity of the three nations. 

If they just realized sooner than you could have been here in Teyvat a little longer.

And to him as well. 

He wish to hear your voice and laughter as he dance with you in the halls of Khaenri'ah' as he can see you smiling brightly despite he wished to see your eyes and kiss them just like you kiss his eyes that is behind his eye patch and you still love it despite you babbled saying spoiler seeing it made me laugh at you. 

But now

He feels empty.

🎶I said🎶

🎶Oh Mary, contrary, how does your garden grow?🎶

🎶Stay with me, I can't see anywhere that we could go.🎶

“Your grace why?”

“Hmm?” You looked at him as you continued to hug Guoba.

“I sometimes wonder why you smile despite your gonna die (Y/n)?” Kaeya said this time saying your name instead of your title that you never wished to have but try to get used to it as he gave you a piece of his favorite snack and also gave one to Guoba who is very happy to have a piece.

You hummed softly before saying, “I have to be positive sometimes that I can still be with you guys a little longer despite the current situation”

Then Kaeya asked another question, “Despite your not forgiving some of the traitors why do you still care for them secretly?”

🎶Their answer, was laughter, 🎶

That made you laugh as Kaeya watched with his eyebrow raised, “Good question…I would say I won't forgive them and there are times I can't help but show them how much I hate them but ignoring them and reminding them of their faults.”

🎶as darkness swallowed them up🎶

“I sense a but there”

You chuckled as you down at Guoba who was eating happily.

🎶One more time, I'll be fine,🎶

“Sometimes kindness is enough”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Kaeya…are you…here?” You called out slowly and softly while breathing heavily.

He cradled you as his arm shook and trembled as he could feel himself choking and heart clenching in pain. 

DdontleavemeDdontleavemeDdontleaveme

“Kae…ya?”

“I'm here! I'm here (Y/n)” He shouted with desperation.

Oh Mary, contrary, how does your garden grow?

He knows the others are coming after he told one of the Abyss mages to call them over. 

You smiled slowly and tried to raise your arm but it was shaking so he held your hand and put it on his cheek as tears began to fall. 

“Please…don't…cry…Kaeya” You rubbed his cheeks as Kaeya tried not to sob while clutching your hand as he cradled it against his cheek.

Don't leave me, please don't be the seventh maid in a row.

“Stay alive a little longer please” He shouted in desperation, “We can still try to break this curse!”

You couldn't respond as your breathing became heavy as your final words made his world frozen with his eyes widened hearing them. 

My answer, a whisper, soft as he lowered his head

“_______”

Did she just-

Then her hand became cold.

🎶Set them free.🎶

“Why do you like him” He heard your friend asking you when you made the decision to start maining him first.

“I love him because he is a character who deserves to be loved as Person. Not as Cavalry Captain who drinks away, Not as Diluc's adopted brother and also not as Khaenri'ah's last hope but I love him who he really is as a person”

With those words made Kaeya's heart flutter as you used his burst.

He didn't deserve to be loved by you. He hated you from the start for making him and his companions as puppets for your amusement. He hated the others loving and worshipping you. 

And yet

He can't help that he was lucky.

You got the Traveler, The Outrider or Lisa as your start team but

You chose him.

You leveled him up first before Traveler and the others!

“Let's show them how powerful you are Kaeya!”

🎶I'm sorry🎶

So in return he will love you as you love him. 

“If I ever met him I would tell him that he deserves to be happy as a person!”

🎶This flower's already dead…🎶

Thank you your grace.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I love you Kaeya Alberich…”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So I finally posted the prologue hallelujah! So sorry for not posting it sooner or earlier I was so busy with school and in real life TwT but yeah this is my first time posting a story here in tumblr and yes I'm very familiar writing stories and fanfics but I'm currently rusty on it especially on grammar. So yeah i hope you guys like it and please no hate since this is my first story I uploaded XD

Also I used this song for the lyrics of this chapter

[wh6res]

three's a crowd | nomin

synopsis. picking favorites is impossible when you like neither of them.

warning. read at your own risk. abuse, bullying, poly relationship, yandere themes, manipulation, nonconsensual touching, noncon, degradation, smut threesome oop

disclaimer. i do not condone whatever tf i wrote in this nor does it reflect my beliefs or values or morals and such. it is all pure fiction and i also dont think jaemin or jeno would act like this in real life.

note. this was meant to be a new year's gift lmao i obviously got a lil carried away 👀 anyway a late happy new year to you all! we survived 2020, let's start living in 2021, yeah? lmao if covid lets us grr mwah!

the relationship you had with the two of them was a weird one, bordering on taboo, but it wasn't as if you willfully chose to be who they wanted you to be and it took jaemin's unwanted pining and jeno's intimidating demeanor for you to fall right into their arms.

it was a joint effort on their part, you couldn't've possibly stood a chance.

"this many?" the cashier asked. "are you sure?"

stepping back and studying the whole situation, you figured you only had your addiction to caffeine and procrastination to blame. it was a chain reaction you didn't even know will lead up to your inevitable doom.

if you hadn't been slacking off during your first semester of junior year college, you wouldn't be forced to overwork yourself trying to catch up to the looming deadlines, but to be able to 'work yourself to the bone' you need your boost of energy… and that was when you met one of them.

"uhm," you scratch the back of your head sheepishly as you eye the six glass bottles of iced coffee. sure, it looks bad and you kinda appreciate the look of concern the cashier throws your way but it was none of his business.

"yes. now could you, like, you know… hurry up? i'm in a little bit of a time crunch right now."

screw it. although you hardly snap like that with other people on a daily basis, it'll be a whole different conversation if you were under a significant amount of stress and today, unfortunately, is one of those days.

now can he just fucking stop asking questions and give you your six bottles of death drink to keep your fucking brain going so you can pass an eight-page essay tomorrow? thank you very much!

the guy snickered, the beeping sound of a barcode being read sounding a thousand times more annoying than it usually sounds as he keeps his hand busy by punching your items out.

you fail to notice how he studies you through the gaps of his lashes, finding you interesting rather than threatening as you stood before him with your messy hair and oversized hoodie.

"haven't seen you around university grounds 'till today," he tries striking another conversation with you. "you new? i'm jaemin."

this was your first mistake, you shouldn't have been so… downright rude when you met him. if you were granted the miracle of meeting him a 2nd time, you would've acted more nice, throwing yourself at his feet even to blend in with the rest of his fangirls you didn't even know about at the time. you would've done anything to make sure he never gives you a second glance, to never pique his interest.

jaemin is the pep squad captain. flying over colored blue mats and doing tumblings in the air with no ounce of fear. he was the best in his team, that much was evident when your friend dragged you into watching a pep rally practice. his landings were clean, balanced, and executed to the best he can at all times.

no wonder he was popular, his talent is outstanding and his looks are a bonus. his killer combo of a smile and wink after pulling off a tough flip is enough to send them squealing in their seats.

he spotted you that day and since then, he snuck the quickest glances at the bench during practices. recognizing you as the coffee girl he met during his convenience store shift. jaemin tries not to let his disappointment show too much when he doesn't see you, but of course, a pair of cold calculating eyes could see right through him.

"i saw that," his boyfriend said, hand darting forward to hold jaemin's gym bag for him. "you kept looking at the crowd. do you want to see her that much?"

"but she reminds me so much of you, jeno!" he retorts, pouting at the slight grumpy tone the other boy used. "i can't help it. she doesn't seem to give a fuck around me so she's quite interesting. maybe she can even be a great addition to our relationship!"

"well," jeno replies after a beat of silence, plastering a small smirk on his face before slinging an arm around jaemin's shoulder.

"convince me?"

you don't like jaemin's attention. not in the slightest. and it seems that was enough reason for the reign of terror his little fanclub has subjected you too.

it wasn't the petty elementary forms of bullying like pulling at your hair or calling you names. they pale in comparison to the other things they do to you—beating you up, messing with your homework, "accidentally" dumping their food trays on you.

and you weren't stupid.

you knew exactly who was behind it, knew how jaemin spectates the whole thing from afar so that he can swoop in at the end to play your knight in shining armor.

"oh, you poor thing. do you need help?"

the first time you accepted his "help" you ended up in a supply closet near the gym during your free period, cornered and weak as your cries for help drowns under the squeaking of shoes and the booming sounds of rubber balls hitting the floor.

if it weren't for jeno appearing out of thin air and prying the boy off of you, you would've been painted blue and red from the death grip he had on your wrist, neck, and waist.

you can still remember feeling the soreness of your scalp from when he pulled your hair too hard. remembered feeling his teeth gnawing at your lips as if he wanted to tear them off.

that time hadn't been the first time you saw jeno. you've shared a few classes with him and it strikes you how polar opposites they are with one another.

while jaemin likes to bask in his professor and classmates' recognition by confidently reciting his answers, jeno would rather keep to himself. liked sitting at the last row, near the window, so he'd be the first to go once the professor ends their lecture. while jaemin loved the attention of his fangirls, jeno preferred solitude. while jaemin is impulsive and wild, jeno liked to think things through.

it was within these reasons that you decided to do what you did. but your judgement of character has never been more wrong.

you approached jeno one day in the library, tried to make yourself appear as stoic and confident as possible. but your constant slouching and averting eyes was a dead giveaway.

you came to talk to him about what jaemin has been doing, hoping there's one person left in this entire school that isn't under the cheer captain's trance. the one reasonable person that has already saved you once and (hopefully) is willing enough to save you again. the only one that probably has a certain level of control over jaemin, if the supply closet incident is anything to go by.

but you've overestimated lee jeno.

"you should've just given jaemin what he wanted."

"but—but aren't you two lovers? isn't it bothering you?"

you try baiting him, only for an uncomfortable shiver to start crawling down your spine when he chuckled humorlessly, pushing his school materials to the side while pinning you with an unreadable stare.

how can a person make someone feel so small just by a gaze alone? it was nothing like you've felt with jaemin. this is way worse.

"the only thing that's bothering me is why you're not ours yet."

you feel cold fingers creeping their way under your shirt, going higher and higher until it brushes against your bra. and when your eyes meet, the look on his face was unmistakable—what are you going to do about it, huh?

you stood up in lightning speed, the chair you've been sitting on scraping loudly against the floor.

you've never ran out as fast as you did.

and jeno swears it'll be the last.

you tried everything in your power to ignore them for the next following weeks but it soon became useless when the two boys took it upon themselves to give you your space.

although judging by the pinpricks you feel on your back, and the constant weight of a stare you feel on your shoulders, you knew they weren't done with you yet. far from it. and for some reason, you just knew they wanted to lull you into a false sense of security first before striking again.

and while they continued to ogle at you from afar like a hawk circling its prey in a desert, you took it upon yourself to return the favor. not because you were the slightest bit interested in those creeps but maybe, just maybe, if you look hard enough you'll find a way out, a weakness.

but what you realized made your insides churn in great discomfort—although it may seem that jeno holds the reins in the relationship since his reserved nature fits the role, it's actually the other way around.

jaemin might appear too self-centered, too focused on himself to give a fuck about his surroundings but in actuality, he has quite a knack for reading people. even more so than jeno. and it was scary how he used it to his advantage, and paired up with his devoted fangirls? it was hell on earth.

you found it alarming how the two seem to magically appear wherever you are.

although you weren't in the least bit surprised. for some reason, you can't take your eyes away when jaemin's devotees flock around him (and jeno) in a circle.

it almost reminds you of a shoal of piranhas, waiting for their meal to drop into the water before ripping it to shreds with their teeth. only their "meal" isn't actual flesh but the carefully crafted words jaemin says that drive them into a sick frenzy.

one that has them doing everything in their power to satisfy him like the loyal dogs they are.

so this was how he got them to bully you?

"oh, that? don't worry! yangyang just ran into me during cheer rehearsal. no biggie. my cheek stung a little bit, though…" is what he said but really he's telling them "scruff him up a bit for me, why don't ya?"

"of course, i can't be the best all the time. haechan is just too good, maybe even better than me…" is what he said but really he's telling them "can you remind him where his place should be?"

all the while jeno did nothing to hold him back.

no matter how wrong jaemin is, how much of an asshole he is, jeno will stick by his side through and through. so as much as jaemin is a puppeteer that gets a kick for controlling people, jeno is as much at fault for looking the other way.

because in jeno's perspective, why the fuck would he do shit when he can just get off from the entertainment that comes with jaemin's sweet little mind games?

we lost :(

you had been busy sorting through paperwork for one of your professors in the faculty when your friend texted you the results of the intercollegiate cheer dance competition. a frown paints your face, heart feeling heavy at the bad news.

in all honesty, you still supported the pep squad—you just hated the captain and his boyfriend. they've been practicing non-stop for this and prior to the weeks of the competition, jeno looked a lot more tense and jaemin less smiley than usual. you swore you even saw the latter snap at one of his fangirls.

not to mention, they paid less attention to you, too, and it was the best three weeks of your life.

tension starts rising in your shoulders, fingers absentmindedly running through the edge of the papers you had been sorting until you became immersed with your thoughts.

jaemin must be in the worst mood yet.

and jeno too, probably. if anything, that guy gets triggered the most when something bad happens to jaemin or when he catches snippets of people talking shit about his oh so "perfect" boyfriend.

jeno is a lot scarier when jaemin is in one of his mood swings, you noticed. he steps up in the relationship to offer comfort to the other boy and for outsiders? it isn't a great experience to go through—being on the receiving end of jeno's ice cold stare is a position you don't want to find yourself in after that time in the library.

he is still as much a threat to your peaceful life like his lover.

you snap out of it when the blinding headlights of a vehicle seep through the closed blinds. you hear the gentle hum of an engine switching off as the headlights vanished as quick as they had appeared. that must be the cheer squad's bus.

as you look around the empty faculty room, something in your gut tells you to ditch file sorting duty for professor kim tonight and fucking get the hell out of campus grounds as quick as you can.

after haphazardly throwing the unsorted papers back into the cabinet, you groan aloud when the keys to the office drop out of your skirt’s pocket.

the indoor gym where the cheering squad practices is right across the hallway. you sure as hell don't want to bump into jaemin. or jeno, too, if he had decided to ride along the cheer squad's bus on the way home.

you kept looking for the keys underneath the cubicles, cursing aloud when you heard the telltale squeaks of shoes rubbing against linoleum. you almost hit your head against a table when you quickly got back up your feet, darting forward to shut the lights for the faculty room.

they can't know you're here. alone. and if it meant sitting in the dark for a few hours 'till they leave, meant going back home a little later than usual is what you have to do then so be it.

you try not to react so violently when the door you're leaning on jolts when someone from outside slams their back against it.

"it's not like we didn't do our best, right guys? i don't have regrets. it might sound fucking cheesy and although i'm sad myself, atleast we did what we can."

it's jaemin. his voice clear as day.

you try peaking, craning your neck up from your place on the floor. only to see the back of his head leaning against the glass section of the door. someone else joins in on the conversation, followed by coach park himself, and you slowly tune out whatever they're saying as you stealthily start scanning the faculty room.

you curse under your breath. is there no other exit other than this door? jesus christ! even classrooms in this university had two doors—

"what are you doing here?"

the switch flickers on, basking the once dark room with light. only when you hear an echo of your name being called, did you snap out of it and quickly picked yourself up from the floor.

"i said, what are you doing here?"

their coach asks, drilling the question as he looks at you skeptically with his arms crossed. you try not to look at the people behind him.

particularly, not at his cheer captain standing on his right.

particularly, not at jeno, who stands out like a sore thumb with his blue hair, a protective arm snaked around jaemin’s shoulders.

this isn't your lucky day, too, you guess.

"i was…" you cursed yourself for stuttering. "i was, uhm, i was file sorting for prof—professor kim, sir."

coach park looked like he didn't believe you as he narrowed his eyes in scrutiny. your nerves are going haywire and you can feel the sharp pins of their stare with how close they are.

you kept juggling your weight with the balls of your feet, hands fisting and unfisting behind your back. you want to leave. you have to leave.

"file sorting… in the dark?" he asked incredulously.

fuck this.

"uhm, you can ask professor kim himself tomorrow, coach. for now, uh, i'll be going now. i'm sorry you guys lost…"

originally, the exit is on the right side, at the end of the hallway. but no, you are not going to pass by those two while on your way out so you ducked behind a random student standing on the coach's left instead and practically ran away from the scene.

everyone had been too busy. too busy looking at your retreating form to even notice jaemin and jeno exchanging glances, too busy to notice the latter untangling himself from their captain to slip away unnoticed, his hurried steps filled with a burning purpose.

you didn't know why you ran, but you did. your shoes practically booming against the floor as you sped away through darkened hallways. you're sweating profusely, heart hammering in your chest. you can worry about professor kim tomorrow but right now you just had to—

"why are you in such a rush, pet?"

crashing into jeno felt like crashing into a wall. if it hadn't been for his arm quickly wrapping around your waist, then you would've landed on your butt before him.

with the small distance between the two of you, jeno could see as clear as day through your eyes.

jaemin was right.

it was addicting to stare into them.

especially when he can see every single one of your thoughts flying through your pretty little head. but hey, it wasn't their fault you were so easy to read.

jeno barely conceals the wicked smirk on his lips when your hands come up to his chest, trying to push him away but to no avail.

he can see your eyes shifting from shock, to confusion, until it finally settles on fear—to which it's slowly becoming a favorite emotion of his to see on your face.

"you know, jaemin is in a really shitty mood right now. and we were wondering, maybe you can cheer us up?"

no. this can't be happening.

"jeno, please." your dilated eyes and disheveled hair made his blood run south. "let me go. you don't want me. you don't need a third party in your relationship."

you yelp when he lets you go, literally shoving you against a wall—which you found out is actually a door, as it swings open as soon as your body crashes against it.

with jeno looming unforgivingly before you in his full height, the tears stung extra hard but you won't let them fall.

if he wanted to bask in the image of your weakness then it'll be something you'll deprive from him for as long as you can.

"i don't need a stupid bitch like you to tell me what i feel." he scoffs. "don't fucking kid yourself, you little whore—i don't want you. i'm not jaemin."

the echo of the classroom door shutting closed surged through you like a wake up call.

this is really happening.

you've always led a decent life, had done nothing too questionable and you've always thought maybe life will spare you if you lived quietly enough. but the feel of jeno's freezing hands crawling against your skin felt like life itself had spat at you in the eye and left you to rot in a ditch.

"i've always liked how you wore skirts," he comments. playing with the ruffled hem of the soft fabric as he purposely grazed his knuckles against your supple thighs. "gives me easy access, don't you agree?"

you scream when he flips your skirt up to reveal the innocent pink of your cotton panties. it was as if a switch had flipped inside of you and the will to fight started coursing through your veins.

"stop! jeno! i don't want this!"

his brows furrow, grunting as he struggles to push the waistline of your skirt up higher with how much you're thrashing underneath him. you buck your hips, tried curling in on yourself, anything to prolong what he wants to do to you.

with your legs trapped underneath his, you blindly reach forward, relying on your upper body instead to push and scratch whatever your palms and nails reached.

you continue screaming like a banshee until he shoved two fingers into your wet cavern.

"stop fighting me," he sounded strained, as if he's holding himself back. you feel him fisting the fabric of your skirt and you fear he's simply going to rip it apart.

you tried responding to him, only the sound had been muffled, gurgled by the flat of his fingers pushing down against your tongue mercilessly. when you reach forward to push him away, your hands land on the apple of his cheeks, nails digging through skin.

until it slips and—

you lie rigid when red scratch marks in the size of your fingernails slowly appear on jeno's skin, his head turned to the side as he paused. your actions slowly start sinking in to him as he shuts his eyes and bit his lip 'till it looked like it was about to bleed.

oh no.

"jeno—"

the slap he planted on your cheek left your ears ringing. all those hard earned muscles of his put to good use—if the tears hadn't fallen for the last few minutes, then it definitely started falling now.

the hit had been so strong, a few of your hair flew astray, the buzzing feeling of your skin tempting you to reach a hand up to soothe your abused cheek.

until jeno let out a low growl and your hand immediately drops limp against your body, afraid of whatever else he can do to you other than a slap.

"that's more like it," he whispers under his breath. you let out the tiniest of whimpers when his hand darts forward to fist your hair. "do you know what happens to bad girls? they fucking get busted up. do you understand me?"

his patience is nonexistent.

jeno slams your head against the floor when you don't answer because you thought his question had been rhetorical. it felt like your skull had been split in two as you wail in pain.

"are you fucking deaf—i asked you a fucking question!"

the hand that cups your jaw is painful as he squeezed your cheek with his blunt nails. your hand shoots up to wrap around his wrist, silently pleading for him to let up as you sobbed out loud. you started nodding as best as you can despite his firm grip on your face.

your reply was nothing short of pathetic. with lips forcefully pursed and the steady stream of your tears and snot rolling down your face, your response is gargled and hardly incoherent and jeno seemed to thoroughly enjoy your anguish if the condescending curl on his lips is anything to go by.

"look at you," he whispers, his face coming close to yours as he holds you down. there was something in the way jeno stared so intently that it made your skin crawl.

"i think you're prettiest when ruined like this."

with his nose touching yours, he felt too close, bordering on intimate as you felt his hand creep back up your thighs, trailing up with feather-like touches that made goosebumps appear on your skin.

you tried wiggling your legs underneath him but one sharp look from jeno is enough to make you stop.

the hand holding your face moves. coming down from gripping your face to encircling his hand around your neck.

"do you like it when i touch you? freaky bitch."

his hands trail further up, up, up until you felt him slotting a finger underneath your panties.

jeno didn't like how frozen you were underneath him as he pulls at the hem before letting go. the elastic snapping back against your skin.

the action evokes a strong feeling through the young male, promising to have you writhing and screaming and begging because by the end of all this, you'll be so needy and frustrated that you will have no choice but to give in to what your body wanted.

"jeno, didn't i tell you to play nice?"

someone stands by the door, the minimal light from the hallway creating a silhouette with his form but you knew who he was. that deep voice, with the same annoying flippant tone, is a dead giveaway.

you didn't know why you even hoped in the beginning. as if there'll be someone who can save you from these two.

you thought the flash of hurt in your eyes was quick to disappear but jeno noticed it quicker.

in a span of seconds, he pulled you up from your position from the ground and tugged you towards his lap. you haven't even gotten the time to settle on your new position when he already smashed his lips against yours.

it was messy. too much saliva. too much teeth. no tenderness to it at all.

the fabric of his jeans felt rough, not to mention the ice cold belt buckle made you severely uncomfortable as it seeps through the thin fabric of your skirt.

when you attempt to hover over his lap, jeno grunts as he snakes an arm around your waist, pulling you back down without your lips breaking away from each other. you didn't know why he let out a whine, but you understood the moment you fully sat down on his lap and you felt a tent on his jeans hitting your clothed entrance perfectly.

in a normal circumstance, you would've found everything hot and might've actually gotten off from it but not when it's him who’s doing this to you and you didn’t consent to any of this.

you start squirming again. palms lying flat against jeno's chest as you attempt to push him away and jaemin sees this as the opportune moment to slot himself behind you, caging you in between them.

“i want my turn,” he hisses and without an ounce of hesitation, jeno stops to do what he's told.

jaemin doesn't waste any second to grab your face, awkwardly craning your neck up to meet his lips in the same feverish kiss.

while jeno had been all teeth and aggression, practically forcing you to open your mouth and kiss him back, jaemin on the other hand is more soft, more romantic, you daresay. he seemed to like taking his sweet time by clutching your face, kissing you like he actually meant it.

he pulls away slightly, resting his forehead against yours as he murmurs something incoherent under his breath and then he's kissing you again.

you think you heard something along the lines of, "finally."

you've been too distracted by jaemin to notice jeno's nimble fingers quickly fumbling with the buttons of your blouse. it was only when you feel the sensation of his tongue laving against the swell of your breast did you turn away from jaemin, jerking backward in surprise.

"no—!"

your scream is cut off by a hand cupping your mouth. jaemin pulls your back towards his chest, molding your body against his as jeno licked and suckled all he wanted, thankful to have the other boy there to not worry about restraining you and keeping you quiet while he has his fun.

"ah, ah, ah," jaemin teases, going hard over the pleading and teary look you sent his way. it looked pathetic, he wasn't going to lie, but it doesn't mean he didn't love it. "just keep still and appreciate jeno's efforts to take care of you, alright baby?"

you don't like how he talked as if this was all a mutual thing, how he talked slowly like you were some toddler who didn't understand anything.

it's cruel how jaemin giggled and basked in your vulnerable state as he kept his eyes pinned on you while undoing the zipper of your skirt. your muffled cries of his name only serving to egg him on.

the way he stared was similar to jeno, too intently and intrusive, like he wants to burn your image of despair in the back of his head.

you whined involuntarily when jeno got bored of all the licking and thus decided to start biting and nipping at your chest instead. he was hypnotised by how responsive you were, how every little bite and nibble made you shudder.

it was a shame that jaemin had to cover your mouth. he didn't get to hear your pretty mewls but it wasn't as if he'd let the night end without hearing them loud and clear.

jaemin is fast in undressing you, feeling slightly betrayed by how quick your skirt and blouse fell under his hands.

you know what he wants, what he's going to do, and the tears fall harder when you can't dodge away from him. forced to endure and accept whatever they give you.

"you act like you don't like it but look how fucking wet you are," you bit your lip hard when jaemin starts circling the pads of his fingers against your clit, fascinated by how more juices streamed down your thighs.

"jeno, do you see this? fuck."

you can only blink in defeat, staring off to the side as you force down any noise bubbling up your throat, forcing yourself to think of anything else other than what's happening right now.

you try not to think about how they managed to tear all of your clothes off while they're left completely dressed. tried not to think about the fingers lazily drawing up and down your slit to collect your essence.

if they're doing this as a way to further humiliate you, it's working.

"slut," jeno mocked, a wicked curl on his lips when he wraps his fingers around your throat. the moment he dives down to claim your lips again is the same time jaemin pushes two fingers inside you.

"look at how wet you are because of me," jaemin whispers hot against your ear and you feel a sick churn in your stomach when you feel his smile against your skin.

he purposely drives his fingers in and out quicker, settjng a brutal pace, wanting you to hear the lewd squelching sounds. "hear that? do you hear that, darling? that's because of me—"

"don't go talking big now, jaem," jeno retorts, pulling away from your lips to start nibbling on the back of your ear. "i was here first. did you see how she fucking reacted when i sucked on her tits?"

you're quick to catch how jeno particularly loved degrading you. but how he talks about you as if you're literally not in front of him naked made you hit a new all-time low.

you felt… filthy.

his hands find purchase on your butt—only because jaemin has already claimed the front. for now.

you close your eyes tight when he painfully squeezes the flesh of your ass. you swear, his blunt nails will paint your skin black and blue.

"i'm the favorite!"

"i'm the favorite!"

as someone who's part of a varsity team, you already knew a competitive nature runs through jaemin's veins. but never had you thought jeno would share the same sentiment. once again they prove that they're cut from the same cloth.

all of a sudden it wasn't all about claiming you as theirs anymore rather it was all about who can make you moan the loudest, who can make you cum the most, who can make you feel the dirtiest you can be.

you're absolutely terrified for the hours to come.

thankfully, they have yet to ask for your verbal opinion or validation. they let your body do all the talking—every repressed shudder and sharp gasp is enough.

but it's game over once they pop the million dollar question.

"who do you like best?"

you don't want to find out the consequences if you actually answered their question because you didn't know what could be worse.

jaemin's manipulation or jeno's aggression?

but it was all normal. trial and error is inevitable in order to build and mold you into the ideal lover for the both of them.

because adding someone new to the mix has never been easy—after all, three's a crowd.

[virghogh]

Guessing NCT's rising signs: Huang Renjun as a Cancer rising

Welcome to my first post where I write all about why I think this idol is X rising sign! I don't know how many of these I'll do because it heavily depends on how confident I feel in my guess of their rising lol for Renjun's rising sign, it's something I've been sitting on for a loooong time just to see if anything else comes into my head. At the end of the day we really have no way to know for sure, even if the idols gives us their birth time it still has to be taken with a grain of salt! But it’s still fun theorize and to test your skills while learning at the same time. So for now I feel pretty confident sharing my thoughts on Renjun as a cancer rising.

Let’s ✨explore✨ why:

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧long post! *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

✦ Before I even decided to look up his chart layout, there were 2 characteristics of Renjun that initially led me to think he’s a Cancer rising. His eyes and his physique. His eyes aren’t necessarily as big as idols we’ve seen with moon in 1st, but they’re still very notable features of his physical appearance that he’s very well known for. They’re bigger, soft and dreamy, and sometimes look like he quite literally holds stars in his eyes. The biggest physical feature though is his, well, petite frame. Next to his eyes, renjun is also really well know for his smaller build. It’s even a well known inside joke amongst NCT, they all him “big shoulders renjun” (lol) because “for a guy” his shoulders a on the smaller side. Both of these physical attributes can also be identifying characteristics of cancer risings.

✦ So, in general I think he is a Cancer rising. But if we want to be more specific; I do think he is a 3rd decan Cancer rising which is the Pisces/Neptune ruled decan. I initially chose this because his house and planet placements just make so much more sense to me when the rising is in the 3rd decan (I'll get into that below), but after reading about the 3rd decan I also think it fits his personality really well! With the Neptune and Pisces influence, he's more on the open side of Cancer rising but more notably, 3rd decans are a lot more inclined to art/creativity and sometimes, music specifically. These people also have a very dreamy attraction about them. He also has his Venus trine ASC which can further add to this kind of creative vibe he gives off, but is also drawn to! It emphasizes the importance of aesthetics, art and creativity in his life. If you've never been on Renjun stan twt then you might not know that a lot of his fans see him as this incredibly dreamy and ethereal boy (as they should) and I can see why!

*:･ﾟ✧house and planet placements *:･ﾟ✧

Scorpio moon, Sagittarius Pluto in 5th:

✦ yea... just yes. Okay but actually, if you read my NCT Dream Hexaco x Birth Chart analyses, I talked a lot about his chart already because I really like it. As someone with a Scorpio moon, I can't help but be really interested in how his plays out. And I have to say, I am quite attached to this theory because I think his scorpio moon in 5th just. makes. sense. I'm not going to go much into the descriptions of the placements, I'm mostly going to stick to the house influence. We know that Scorpio moons have really intense emotions, they internalize everything and are just highly sensitive people to their environments. Renjun has been incredibly open about his mental and emotional struggles ever since being a kid. I've honestly never heard an idol talk about their struggle like he has. He even opened up recently about how a few years ago he had an art therapist that really helped him and lowkey changed his life. I feel like a lot of this can be reflected in his 5th house. The house of creativity, expression, creation. His 5th cusp is also in Scorpio. 5th house in water tend to be really drawn to arts and music. Having a Scorpio moon, a moon sign that can be quite guarded, in a fire house can also explain his readiness/openness to share his emotions and art. Also let's not forget his chart ruler is his Scorpio moon in 5th! What I've wrote above are big themes in his life, which we've seen.

✦ As for the Pluto in 5th. Because his 5th house is in Scorpio this would mean the 5th ruler is in 5th. I know it might not make sense at first because it's pluto and pluto is misunderstood. But it makes perfect sense to me. Pluto in 5th is a deeply passionate and creative placement. It bring so much energy to this house, and can even create a borderline obsession with themes of this house. With creating and expressing. But I could also see having this and his scorpio moon in this house bringing so much energy, it just kind of adds to the confusion and intensity of a scorpio moons emotions and processing abilities, like, emotionally overwhelming. Scorpio moons always need an outlet and they usually figure that out the hard way at some point in life. The outlet can vary based off the chart, his is without a doubt connected to his art; whatever that may be to him.

───────────────────────────────────

Aquarius Uranus in 8th:

✦ This part is brief because it's more of like, additional details to what's already in his chart. Something that is really well known about Renjun too is how much he is into space and aliens and stuff like that. He, once again, has been very open about it lol on variety shows I've seen him light up every time its briefly mentioned and he'll comment on how much he finds that stuff interesting. The 8th house is weird, it can manifest in a lot of different ways. The biggest point here for me is that the house is in Aquarius with Uranus here. I know someone with this placement too and, while they're open minded to astrology and tarot etc. it's a bit more focused on logic. I can't say for sure because I don't know him, but he kind of strikes me as the kind of person that would fight to death over aliens existing, but draws the line at astrology lol. I actually do think he would be open to astrology and tarot, but he'd need the right introduction to it. Anyways, yea this placement to me explains a lot of his interest in space and things we don't understand. He's expressed his curiosity in it. I think a lot of this is coming from his Scorpio moon and Pisces mercury/venus which is why I think it's just additional support.

───────────────────────────────────

Pisces Mercury/Venus in 9th:

✦ THIS HOUSE right here... so much to say. Firstly, Pisces in 9th is probably one of the main culprits for his creativity, deep thinking and curiosity in the world. And more importantly: his imagination. I've mentioned this a lot when I talk about renjun but, he's very well known for his creativity, but I want to make it clear that there is a distinction between creation and imagination. His imagination is truly... on another level. Well, planet actually since it's pisces! Again, amongst fans it's really well known his imagination is just so unqiue. This is less about the 9th house and more about the fact that he has 2 pisces placements but it still affects it lol. He's very open about his imagination and speaks about it so naturally. He shared his drawing of a bird, hybrid, thing? and how it's an animal that steals your dreams in your sleep. Anyways, Pisces in 9th aren't necessarily the travelers we'd see with an air or fire sign here, but they like to travel mentally. He's also talked about how he's just in general a very curious person and you can tell his thoughts probably travel far and wide in his down time.

✦ What's really interesting to me about this house is his mercury is here and Mercury in 9th is a very specific kind of placement. It almost always guarantees an interest and talent in learning languages. I don't know if languages are necessarily a passion for him but he definitely is interested and cares about learning language and other cultures. He also did pick up on Korean and English with ease. Which also reminds me that, he actually was exposed to Korean at a young age because I'm pretty sure he went to a bilingual school (chinese and korean). This is also a big deal to me because planets in 9th, especially sun/mercury often indicate very early exposure to languages or other cultures... so yea that checks out. This can also be proved by looking at his IC in Virgo, which puts the ruler in 9th. His mercury is also sextile Jupiter. I also wanna comment that he has his Mercury in the 5th degree, I'm not great at degree theory yet but that feels significant to me. Of course we cannot forget his absolutely angelic voice. Renjun is also very well known for his stunning vocals. Not only are Pisces placements musically inclined but Pisces mercury are known for their sweet voices.

✦ As for the venus is 9th, I feel like I have more to say on his venus being in Pisces because that's where so much of his artistic creativity and imagination come from. But venus here adds to a lot of what I've written above, adding to his curiosity of the world. What I find most interesting about venus in 9th though, is it brings another inclination to art! He might really like art from different places in the world, or just exploring all types of art being very open minded to its different forms etc. Venus here also brings ease to language learning, and these people will naturally have other cultures and people from them as a big part of their life. I feel like, in general it's not surprising at all to me that as a foreign member (being from China), that he would have 9th house influence! It can often manifest as like.., travel, other languages, cultures and parts of the world etc. are just very naturally a part of their life. Some people never really contemplate life overseas or in another country. But for 9th housers, it's never not been an option. His 9th house influence can also make him a great teacher, mentor and just overall supportive person. We've seen some of this in the content he's made with NCT. Like trying to teach his members chinese with Chenle, except he was taking it way more seriously lol but was so supportive. He's also tried to get Jeno and Jisung involved in his art making, but keeping the process very open and fun.

───────────────────────────────────

Aries sun, Taurus mars in 10th:

✦ This is the last part I'm going to cover because it is really just the icing on the cake to finish this up. The 10th house is considered pretty important when looking at celebrities/idols because it's very likely a lot of what we see from them is their 10th house influence. In the chart model I'm using for Renjun, it puts his MC in the very last degrees of Pisces, so there's a chance it's in Aries but either way with his sun and mars here they are still playing a big role. So for that reason, I'm opting for Pisces MC. I also think Pisces MC fits though because first it puts the ruler in his 7th house. Meaning he could really benefit and work well in something that involves a group! Because it's Pisces in Neptune, it also adds to his very ethereal vibe and how people just seem to love him wherever he goes. He's very magnetic and can come off as artistic and sensitive. He's known for being dreamy, unreal, artistic, sensitive.

✦ Again, we know he has an aries sun and taurus mars so I'm not going to explain them here, just how they affect the house, but having his these here makes so much sense to me too. Having planets in 10th also influences what kind of "vibe" people get from you, and what you're "known" for. Mars and Sun bring similar energy of being well known for for energy, drive, and even stage presence. Not being afraid to be on stage, being good with attention and spotlight. He's known for his kind of playful and childish behavior at times. He is charismatic, bold, brave, happy and upbeat. With the sun, he is again known for his creativity and creations and also self-expression.

─────────────────────

Thank you to anyone who read all this. I don't really expect many people to because I'm mostly writing this for my own curiosity and to finally just put this theory out there! Anyways, stan Renjun best boy <33

Thoughts and feedback are always welcome <3

─────────────────────