#also if anyone’s got advice on this I’d LOVE to hear it

[katrinaiceheart]

Ok casual reminder that it’s a dick move to film employees. And If someone says “I can’t do anything about this because the law says I can’t” then you LET IT GO.

[k1ngdom-of-thieves]

Dorm leaders with a female singer reader?

Yup yup!

Dorm Leaders + Female Singer Reader!

Riddle Rosehearts

Riddle is very impressed by your technique and talent. He understands that singing for more than just fun takes a ton of effort, and he’s very proud of you for being able to stick with it.

He loves when he you offer to perform at Heartslabyul’s Unbirthday parties. These were few and far between, since he didn’t want you to strain your voice too much by asking you to make an constant appearance.

When it’s just the two of you, he usually likes to talk over tea. Not only does it soothe your throat, it also gives the two of you ample time to chitchat without anyone needing him.

Your voice is one of his favorite things. To him, you sound as lovely as a songbird. Nothing would ever compare, and he adores it when he gets to hear you.

“Thank you once again for performing, it was quite exemplary. Hm? I don’t need to be so formal? Very well. Thank you for singing for me, I’d love to hear you do it again.”

Leona Kingscholar

Leona likes your voice. No need for flowery language or something. He tells you straight up, and fairly often too.

He can hear you singing from pretty far away, so it’s not uncommon for him to mention it from time to time. It confuses you the first couple of times but you eventually remember that most beastmen hear better than humans in the first place.

When you sing or hum to yourself, he finds it quite cute. Especially if it’s a song you’re practicing for a performance. He likes the feeling of being one of the first people to hear your rendition of it.

You didn’t hear this from me, but if you have an upcoming performance, he’s going to send you some things to ease your nerves. It’s pretty common to see Ruggie bitching muttering about having to “deliver another goodie basket”. He’s not mad at you; just your partner.

“Huh? Ruggie dropped by a little while ago? Hm, wonder what that was about. What? Don’t give me that look, it’s just a coincidence that you’ve got a performance comin’ up.”

Azul Ashengrotto

Azul immediately tries to figure out how to incorporate you into the lounge. You’ve got a beautiful voice, and he has the perfect platform to show it off. It’s just a perfect combination, no?

Of course, that’s only if you want to. He might be cruel to his employees, but he’d never turn and use the same cruelty on you.

He’ll show up to every one of your performances. The only exception is if something at the Monstro Lounge is making work late; but he’ll be sure to make it up to you later.

Although it isn’t mentioned much, he is also a good singer. Whether it’s his naturally or he got it through a contract is up for debate. If you wanted to have a duet, it might take some convincing but he’d ultimately be willing to do it.

“Oh? Are you sure you want me on stage with you? You’re not gonna let up are you? Fine, I’ll sing with you. But just this once.”

Kalim Al Asim

Kalim loves the fact that you sing! It’s a very common sight to see you and him sharing a song. Even if he’s very off-key at times.

He wants everyone to be able to hear your voice, so he’s the most supportive of any of your wishes. Want to perform at a big venue? He’s your guy. Want to have your work recorded? He knows twenty guys.

If you prefer to stay locally, that’s also fine by him. He’ll show up to each and every one of your performances, as well as staying until after it’s over so he can talk with you.

Karaoke nights at Scarabia go absolutely wild with the two of you. You, since you’re literally a professional, and Kalim because he has So Much Energy. It’s basically just giving his dorm-mates a free concert.

“Hey! They’re really liking our show! How about we give them an encore?” You’ve been going for nearly twenty minutes and your voice is tired.

Vil Schoenheit

Vil is also accustomed to being on the stage so if you want any advice, he’s your guy. He’ll be pretty strict, but he’s just trying to push you to be the best.

He’ll have you do some of the training that he does for himself. Whether it be grueling hikes or practicing for hours to perfect your posture, you’re definitely gonna show quick progress. While hurting in places you didn’t know could hurt.

He’s more than happy to have you accompany him to the events he gets invited to. Even more so if you’re offered to preform.

Unfortunately, he won’t be able to attend all of your shows due to scheduling conflicts, but he still tries to make it to the vast majority. If it’s being recorded, he will watch it and still support you that way. If not, he’ll call you after it’s over to congratulate you on your show.

“Hello dear, how was your show? I’m very sorry I couldn’t make it, I’ll do my best to make it to the next one. I promise you. It’s been far overdue for me to support you in person.”

Idia Shroud

Idia immediately becomes your biggest fan. You thought he was passionate about his idols? That increases tenfold when he’s cheering you on.

Although you’re more likely to see his tablet where he’s should be, you’ll still hear his cheers through it’s speakers. In fact, the little screen will show you new cute emoticons while you sing to keep you motivated.

He’ll ramble about you to just about anyone who’ll ask. Soon the poor soul talking to him will know your entire discography and the dates of all your best performances. Spoiler: it’s all of them.

While he’ll basically melt into a nervous puddle if you ask him to sing with you onstage, he’ll be more willing to sing if it’s just the two of you. And maybe Ortho if he asks.

“Huh?! You wanna do Karaoke? With me?! But I’m not nearly the same rank as you are! I mean… I guess it’ll be cool if it’s just us. But no recording, okay?!”

Malleus Draconia

Malleus absolutely adores your singing. No matter what genre you sing, he’ll sit and listen the entire time.

If you have a performance, please tell him like a week in advance. That way he won’t loose track of the days and actually make it. He actually marks it on a little calendar in his room, it’s adorable.

He’d be over the moon if you ask him to have a duet with you. Although most of the songs he knows are centuries old, he’d love to sing something that you know.

It becomes a sort of unofficial event in the Diasomnia dorm for the two of you to sing together. Partly because the Malleus Draconia is singing and you two make really pleasing harmonies in the mostly quiet dorm.

“I wouldn’t mind if you taught me a song you enjoyed. Although I may not be able to return the favor. All of my favorites are just lullabies that were sang to me years ago.”

[jisatsuwaifu]

Life is incredibly frustrating, stressful, and exhausting. Everyday I think “it’s okay, it’ll get better, try again tomorrow” but it just keeps proving me wrong. When I think things are getting better and I can finally relax, something else comes along and puts me right back into panic mode. It’s always something, there’s never a break. I never feel safe. All I do is complain about how sad or frustrated I am and I’m sure everyone around me is sick of hearing it. Which is fine, I wouldn’t want to be surrounded by misery when my life is good either or listen to a broken record when there’s much better music to be heard. I am my own responsibility, I shouldn’t rely on others.

My thoughts consume me. Not in a cutesy I’m just a girl cringe kind of way but in a “I need to go to sleep as soon as possible to prevent an accident” because I cannot trust my own head to comfort me but to only make scenarios worse or feed into my paranoia. I am not built to be left alone. I constantly feel like I’m too much and not enough. I’ve never felt more loved but also so alone in all my life. Everything is black and white there is no grey areas with my mind.

I just don’t think anyone knows or understands how thin I’m being stretched and how badly I’d just love for everything to stop and to be able to catch my breath. Just for a day. I’ve cried for help but I don’t think the one person I need help from genuinely hears me. I dont trust many people to begin with. There’s only so much a single person can take before it starts to cripple them. And I know I can be over dramatic and too emotional at times but this genuinely feels like the end, I can’t see past this point in my life. And the sad part is I do not know how I got here. Or this far to begin with. But I am so tired. It’s times like these I wish I had my mom back or even just a family to lean on and seek advice from, but I can’t even entertain my own sister long enough to talk on the phone with me. I don’t understand why I exist or what my purpose is if all I’ve ever been exposed to is pain and abandonment. There’s some aspects of my life that I know I serve a purpose for and want to make proud, I’m trying my hardest for that one thing. I just don’t want to cause anymore damage than I already have. I can’t be like my mother.

I just needed somewhere to vent, some outlet. It won’t change anything. I feel hopeless and empty again. I might just delete everything. I don’t know.

The best I can do right now is try again tomorrow.

( if you read all of this thanks for listening to my rant and I’m sorry I wasted your time when you could have been scrolling onto something cooler like tiddies or anime idk but ty anyways <3 )

[bigiswarriorcatsdesigns]

Finished Brightheart design sheet.

This was difficult to draw. I spent a long time thinking her design and I tried to search the best way to portray her scars. It was hard to find accurate information in cats, so if anyone who reads this would like to offer some critique or advice I’d love to read it. 

More information:

o  Warning: this point contains details about her wounds and mental state, skip this point if you are 14 years old and younger or don’t feel okay reading this stuff, as it is graphic. Proceed with caution. Her right side scars were done while trying to climb a tree to get away from the dogs. Unfortunately though Swifpaw’s sacrifice gave Brightpaw time to react and try to escape, the dogs grabbed her hips from the left side. The rest of the scars were done because she curled on the floor leaving her left side exposed. That way she got heavy bite wounds on her face and torso. He face got the worse part. Both her left eye and ear is gone and some of her upper face was ripped off, thus her left eye socket is assimetrical. While on treatment her face got swollen and was in complete mental shock (Acute stress disorder if she was diagnosed in human standards). After taking her bandages off and a lot of work from Cinderpelt to stabilize her and avoid it from developing into a worse condition, she seemed to get to a better mental state... until she saw her reflection. Since then, both that incident and hearing Bluestar’s assigned name made her relapse and suffer mentally (Post-traumatic stress dissorder).  Later after treatment hair grew back, blending a bit her scars, but not fully. She still has nightmares and can’t bear the thought of dogs, but has learnt to accept her scars and self image and to stop blaming herself for Swiftpaw’s death. This was thanks to early intervention from Cinderpelt and Cloudtail’s emotional support. Firestar recognized her recovery and the pain that her assigned name brought her, and thus changed her name to Brightheart to honor her strength and kindness, as well as her strong will to live and never give up. I don’t have much experience in medical fields and while I did ressearch, I could have got it wrong. I’d appreciate input in that case so I can learn and change it. I take these topics seriously.

o As she got old her ginger patches started to become smaller as white hair grew on them. They also became slightly diluted and desaturated. Small spots from old age appeared on her face scars.

o Just because I’m not sure if it’s very telling, on her elder drawing she’s sleeping on Cloudtail’s back leg and tail. She likes to sleep like that because Cloudtail has a very soft and fluffy tail and gives her comfort.

[friendlyengie]

I would love to hear ur hcs about the mercs sleeping habits (including ur OCs ofc)

ive always wanted To draw something for this but ive never had the like. Idea to do it in a way that would land the punchline. But basically on their days off I think Engineer is up until sunrise and Demo sleeps until sunrise and they sometimes catch each other in the middle but otherwise they wont see each other until theyre forced to start waking up at the same time again for work.

Anyways . Specifics. Hm.

Medic- trying to write this out for him I’m torn between “despite the way he is, Medic’s sleep schedule is shockingly consistent” and “he surgically removed the need for sleep out of his brain when joining Mann Co. and now sleep is like a recreational activity for him.” I genuinely think it could go either way.

Sniper- sleeps a solid 8 hours and still manages to pass out standing up during mission briefings. I don’t think his sleep is particularly pleasant, easily startled due to spy anxiety. But during his inappropriately timed naps? He could sleep through the base exploding probably.

Scout- Shockingly well put together morning person if he gets to sleep on time. Usually the second person up after Soldier to go on a morning run and shit. But if his sleep schedule is thrown an hour off track it all goes out the window. Drag his out of bed and he goes right to the couch and back to bed.

Heavy- With the way he lived growing up I could see him really having trouble with sleeping. Not easily startled, but very restless. Type of guy to occasionally have a “Something is Very Wrong” instinct kick in at 3 am and is perfectly aware that trying to get back to bed afterwards is a lost cause, so he’s learned to commit and has a handful of things that he does to pass the time instead.

Engineer- great at giving well thought out advice on why sleep is important, follows it unless he doesn’t. Celebrates his ability to keep himself on a good sleep schedule for a few weeks by letting himself go multiple days with no sleep if he feels like it’ll be “useful” for whatever he’s working on. Started to cap himself off at a 72 hour maximum after a 5-day streak resulted in the genius decision making that went into getting drunk and lobbing off his hand (And then remembering he probably should’ve had Medic around, or a proper gunslinger prototype built before doing so.)

Pyro- probably sleeps but always seems strangely and immediately attentive if you go to wake them up.

Demoman- respects his sleep schedule and expects you to as well. Fuck your all nighters, he knows how comfortable his bed is and he’s taking it. Hours vary depending on how much he’s been drinking, which will also determine how well he participates in the “guy who can just kind of fall asleep anywhere” club.

Spy- I feel like the only thing worse than sleep paranoia about spies is being a Spy trying to have a proper sleep schedule. Less as a result of his current job and more as a result of the many jobs hes taken in the past, I’d think Spy’s developed serious paranoia to letting his guard down in most regards, sleep included. Smoking supposedly “helped” the issue way in the beginning, most definitely just exasperates the issue now. Usually walks around the base with clear intent as to not be heard by anyone, so he’s probably got most of them convinced he sleeps pretty routinely.

Soldier- Consistently, on the dot, like clockwork. Not always the first to bed, but always the first to wake up. Wouldn’t wake up if you launched a bomb through his window but if you tried to gently nudge him to wake him up he would attack you like an enemy combatant and now you have to fight him and win.

[renthony]

Hi! Could you talk about what it’s like being an independent media researcher and how you became one? Did you go to school for communications or media studies? How do you make money?

I’m about to graduate college and I really want to go into the media studies field but I haven’t really figured out what the best way for me to do that is. I have a lot of similar research interests as you (animation, censorship, media analysis, queer media) and I’m disabled so I’ve been worried about not having the energy for a traditional 9 to 5 sort of job, so I’d love to hear more about how you’re able to do the research you’re passionate about!

Honestly, I got here by accident, and I'm still figuring things out as I go. I don't make much money and right now I feel like my work is in a period of transition. I have plans, but some days it feels like I'm barely making baby steps.

I started writing when I was pretty young, and I read every single "how to write" guide I could get my hands on via the library or bookstore. I wrote constantly. Short stories, various false starts at baby's first novel, even newsletters for school activities and community clubs. I was most focused on fiction at first, but I learned a lot about nonfiction as well.

I got involved in online writing communities back when forums were still a big deal, and I joined Twitter back in 2009 when it was still new and there was a massive author and freelancer community. (Anyone else remember before retweets were a thing? We had to copy, paste, and manually type out "RT @[user]" like barbarians.) I learned an absolute fuckton about the craft and the industry by talking directly with other writers, literary agents, editors, and various other people in the field. From the time I was like 14, I was interacting with professional writers, sharing my work for feedback, and racking up rejection letters from magazines and literary agents (which was a badge of honor in the communities I was hanging out in, because it meant you were working hard and refusing to quit). When I was 17, my best friend even scraped together money from their shitty fast food job to pay for us to attend a major writing conference in Denver, where we participated in all kinds of classes and panels with industry professionals.

My mother was also writing at the time, and I got a lot of support from her. She had a blog that got a decent amount of interaction, because this was right around the rise of the Mommy Blogger and my mom wrote from the perspective of a socially-isolated tattooed punk mom who never planned to have kids (which was unusual in a landscape of perfect housewives with perfect photogenic babies with weirdly-spelled Mormon names they chose when they were kids). Eventually my mom started writing for a website owned by Yahoo, to supplement the household income while staying home to care for my little siblings. When I decided I wanted to take a whack at freelancing, she gave me a lot of advice on how to get started. I also had a writing class at school taught by a teacher who made it a class project to submit to magazines, so I basically got a head-start on freelance life. I wrote a lot of random articles for a website that's since gone defunct, and I submitted a lot of short stories to contests and magazines. Didn't really make a lot of money, but I learned a ton and got a lot of experience.

When I made it to college, I studied anthropology and French. I'd planned to study history, but switched my track after a single semester because anthropology suited me better. I took a lot of AP classes in high school and did well on all the standardized testing, so I managed to get a full academic scholarship and skip right past a few of my gen eds. Unfortunately for me, I had a lot of difficult life experiences during that time period, and I started to struggle in pretty much everything that wasn't directly related to my degree. I failed Latin so bad I didn't bother to go to the final exam, because even a perfect grade wouldn't have saved me. I fucked up my algebra grade beyond salvation. Those two classes alone tanked my GPA enough that I lost my academic scholarship, and I wound up dropping out entirely. Grades in my required courses were solid, but the scholarship requirements meant I had to do well across the board or lose my funding.

My mother still has debt from getting loans to pursue a master's degree, and I knew damn well I didn't want that kind of student debt piling up on me, so I opted for dropping out. Sometimes I regret it a little, but I honestly think it was the best option. I was having so much emotional upheaval on top of the academic stress that I needed time away to figure myself out. I graduated high school early, so I was like two years younger than everyone around me, and I didn't have many friends. I lived at home and came to campus just long enough to go to class, so I had nothing in common with my classmates who lived in dorms and participated in campus activities. I missed orientation because I registered late, the administration sent me to the transfer student registration day instead of the new student registration day, and I didn't get any "here's how you navigate university life" support. I didn't know I was supposed to have a one-on-one academic advisor for a year and a half, and when I finally met him, his only comment on the matter was, "wow, I wondered why you hadn't come to see me yet!" without any sort of inquiry into how a fuckup on that scale was allowed to happen in the first place. I wasn't set up for success by university administration, and I burnt out hard. I dropped out.

My wife encouraged me to do what was going to be best for me mentally instead of letting finances dictate my next step. She had a steady job, and even though we were still pretty broke, her support let me drop out of college and focus on recovery. A lot of people gave me shit because their perception was that I was dropping out of college to become "just a housewife," and they couldn't fathom why. From my perspective, I'd been given a lifeline.

I took care of our shitty little one-bedroom apartment. I read a lot of books and played a lot of Minecraft. When I felt up to it, I did some more freelancing. My wife was working unholy hours in a factory and we didn't get to spend much time together. I started doing tarot reading as a side hustle, and we started making vague plans to move somewhere better for us, but saving up was hard.

Things felt stagnant for a long time. I didn't write very much, I wasn't really doing anything related to my studies. I wrote when I had energy, and I kept scraping together extra cash doing tarot readings while my wife started working a new job in a lumber yard. Her support is the only reason I was able to recover and figure myself out, so big shout-out to my beloved working woman wifey. God, I love her.

Eventually we packed up and moved to a different state so we could be closer to my family. I got a job baking for a coffee shop. I wrote whenever I could. When I got laid off from the coffee shop, I realized there was no way in hell I could keep working a regular job without sacrificing my health, so I went back to writing full-time. (The Queen of Cups was written during this period.)

At some point I started getting back into anthropology and history research, just for fun. I didn't have money to finish my degree, but I had enough academic experience to know how to track down and evaluate good sources. I wasn't really trying to do anything for career purposes, I was just incredibly bored and wanted to study something again, so I got really, really into studying local history. Once I read everything I could about that, I jumped to another topic I was interested in, and then another. Media studies became my biggest focus as a natural outgrowth of my interests in speculative fiction, animation, and the history of the entertainment industry. I studied anthropology in school because I loved learning how and why humans do the things we do, and media studies always felt like an obvious facet of that. It's part of why I was always obsessed with cave paintings and paleolithic sculptures--people make art! It's what we do! It's what we've always done!

Anyway, I now live in a university town that has resources available to the public, and I have friends who work in various university libraries or as professors. I started making use of whatever I could get access to. I read a lot of nonfiction books from independent researchers pursuing their own passion projects, I got really into video essays on YouTube, and I had the epiphany that you don't actually have to finish college to study and write about things as long as you put in the quality research and source all your information. At some point I started calling it my "DIY academia," which my university-employed friends found utterly delightful.

Honestly, I credit my formal-academia friends with a lot. They've all been an incredible source of support and reassurance, and have helped me track down quite a few sources I was having trouble getting my hands on. Everyone do yourself a favor and make friends with someone who works in a university library.

I started a Patreon several years ago (in like 2017 I think?), primarily for my fiction writing, but there's plenty of other things that have shown up there over the years (art, cosplay, essays, etc.). As I started getting more into my DIY academia, folks started expressing interest in seeing me write about it. My tumblr posts about media generated a decent amount of attention, I'd managed to build up a platform, and it wasn't hard to say, "okay, screw it: I have freelance experience and I know how to write a paper, does anyone want to pay me for it?"

I haven't been submitting to existing publications like I used to, mostly because I don't have a decent portfolio assembled. My old freelance work in high school and college was for a platform that closed down a decade ago, and no matter how popular they get I can't bring myself to include tumblr posts alongside professional credits. My current plan is to build a portfolio on my website showing off the commissions I've been taking, and then start submitting to magazines and newspapers again between my other work. I'd love to eventually write for something like Polygon or IGN.

It's hard. I love research, I love writing, and I love sharing information with people, but having to DIY everything is really, really hard. I often feel like I'm just throwing nonsense into the void in the hope someone will like it and leave a tip in my Ko-Fi. I don't have formal academic credentials beyond "I was planning my senior thesis about the ethics of investigating ancient burial sites, but then I dropped out." I just have a neurodivergent brain, a handful of special interests, a wife who works the graveyard shift in a lab to pay our bills, and the ability to hyperfixate on research for absurd lengths of time.

The most common advice I used to get about freelancing is that you just have to keep throwing things at the wall to see what sticks. It's been years since then, but I think the advice still applies. Read a lot, learn a lot, and write about the things you're most interested in. Search around and look for magazines and newspapers and websites that accept unsolicited freelance submissions. Read the other articles they publish to see how your work stacks up. Submit, submit, submit. Rake in rejection letters and keep them as a reminder of how hard you're working. If you're up for it, start a Patreon to post the things you don't submit elsewhere. The worst thing that can happen is that people don't give you money, but maintaining it still helps you lay the groundwork for a portfolio and a reader base.

I deal with a lot of hellacious impostor syndrome. I worry a lot that I'm just a hack who doesn't actually know what they're talking about. Like I said, I got here totally by accident, but whatever I'm doing seems to be working for me. I'm broke, but my work is being read, and opportunities for more work show up when I least expect them. I'm not sure what's next for me, but I'm excited to figure it out. Money's tight, but I keep enduring despite the chaos. I throw things at the wall, I see what sticks, I clean up whatever flops and then try it again later. Wash, rinse, repeat.

It's hard, but so is everything else. I like it better than a lot of other things I could be doing.

[honeylemonteaasblog]

Loved You Once

summary: Our MC, Jia, moves back to Korea after living abroad and reconnects with the boys, including Jungkook, the boy who has been in love with her since they were kids.

pairing: Jungkook x Reader (Named MC)

genre: angst, some fluff, healing

word count: 6.3 k

warning (triggers— please read them): domestic abuse, emotional abuse and manipulation, implied physical abuse, trauma, depression, talk of mental health

note: I tried to portray mental health in a real way that represented trauma and abuse without romanticizing it. I understand that parts of this may be difficult to read, but I also firmly believe that we should talk about mental health, trauma, and abuse in an effort to create safe spaces for survivors’ stories. Please let me know if anyone has advice or concerns about writing about sensitive topics. I’d love to hear it.

“Did you hear? Jia’s back.” Jungkook’s head snapped to Hoseok. It looked like the rest of the boys were also surprised. Your family had moved to the states when you were still in high school. You all had maintained your friendship for a while through excessive texting and random facetimes, but the distance made it difficult. Then, life got really busy and you all fell out of touch. Well, you fell out of touch with them; they still talked with each other.

It was something that the boys would never forgive themselves for. They had each other, but they felt like they had abandoned you. Even if that wasn’t the case and you didn’t actually blame them. The boys felt bad that they were all friends still and didn’t even know how you were doing. They don’t check in anymore. They were supposed to be your best friends, but they had done a horrible job of maintaining that relationship. However, it was also something they would never admit to each other. Mostly because they didn’t want to say it out loud. None of them had talked to you in years.

“I overheard my mom talking to her mom.” Hoseok admits. They could see the frown on his face. And they could all relate. They wish that they didn’t need to resort to overhearing their parents’ conversation to hear about their best friend’s life. Well, the girl who used to be their best friend, now they aren’t sure where they stand anymore. It’s not like they had planned on growing apart. They still cared for you. Now, it’s just… hard.

Jungkook wasn’t sure how to make sense of his emotions. Of course, the 8 of you had been best friends, but he was in love with you. He thinks that he had always loved you, even before he had realized it. But you moved away before he was able to fully understand that you were the love of his life and he would never be able to love someone else like he loves you. He’s not trying to be dramatic, he had a few girlfriends. It’s just that he quickly realized that none of them were you. You were across the ocean. Then, he remembers seeing an instagram post about an anniversary and decided that he needed to move on. You looked happy in the photo and he decided that he couldn’t threaten that by claiming that you were the love of his life. He couldn’t just barge into your life after abandoning you. It’s just, that he couldn’t get over you. How was anyone supposed to get over you?

“Maybe she’ll come to the event on Friday?” Seokjin wondered aloud. Hoseok’s family and your family were close. So, if you were back in town it made sense that you would be at the Jung family’s charity event. Your parents would be there. They just didn’t know how to prepare for seeing you. Were they supposed to act like nothing happened? Were they supposed to beg for your forgiveness and apologize profusely? It’s not like you had made an effort to maintain your friendship either. It was just… that life got busy. They would never hold that against you though. Your entire life changed. They were the ones that were supposed to keep your life stable, but they didn’t.

“I guess we will see in a few days.”

You sat in front of your vanity for a while because you couldn’t bring yourself to get up. You had already finished getting ready but you didn’t want to go down stairs because then you would have to see all the people that you had left. Your family had moved while you were in high school, but your parents moved back to Korea when you went to university. You had gotten a scholarship and didn’t want to waste it, so you stayed. It was one of the hardest decisions you had ever made. You didn’t know if you could live in the states without your family. But you were also in love, which made the decision easier though you would deny it.

You lived in the states for four years as you finished college. You had a masters program lined up but then everything went to shit— well everything was already shit, you just hadn’t realized it yet. You hated yourself for dropping out of the masters program. It had been one of the most competitive programs in the country and you just… left it. Even though you know it’s not your fault (a fact that your therapist made sure to remind you over and over until you could remind yourself), it feels like your fault. It feels like you gave up.

You blink away the tears. You had spent way to long on your make up to ruin it now. “Let’s get this over with” You mutter to yourself. You are already tired just thinking about the small talk.

To be honest, you hadn’t thought about seeing the boys. Of course they were your best friends, but now they weren’t. Unlike the boys suspected, you didn’t blame them. You had drifted away from them and you knew that they were pursuing their dreams. You would never let your problems hold them back. But that means you also hadn’t thought about seeing them. Ever since getting back you had been struggling, so no offense to the boys, but they weren’t really the priority.

You allowed yourself one deep breath before pushing the door open. The event was being held down stairs so you knew that you wouldn’t have much time to steel yourself once you left the room. You had to be prepared before you left.

The room was beautiful. It was like an extravagant ballroom fit for a gala. Hoseok’s family had gone all out this year. The doors at the back opened into a garden. You could see a beautiful water fountain out in the garden. You knew that you would spend most of the evening outside, hiding away from everything else. It’s not that you didn’t want to see anyone, it’s just that you had only gotten back a little more than a week ago. That’s not a lot of time to adjust to life in Korea again. Let alone, prepare for the Jung Family’s charity event, which was always an impressive event.

You didn’t see the boys until the event was almost over. You had been successfully hiding in the garden for most of the night. But the fountain was really beautiful so you decided to sit on one of the benches. Yoongi had seen you sitting there for a little while and decided that he had to consult the rest of his friends to decide what they should do. To decide how to approach you. What to talk about and which questions were good questions. How not to overwhelm you. They knew all of them going over at once would probably be overwhelming, but none of them would wait. They didn’t even play rock paper scissors to decide; the stakes were too high and no one wanted to risk losing.

Besides, if some people were forced to stay back, they would most likely end up watching from the bushes and that would be even more awkward when you inevitably noticed.

You looked up when you heard the footsteps approaching. Your eyes widened comically and the boys thought that you were about to begin a long rant about how everything was there fault. They really should have kept in touch just to save themselves the scolding. But you didn’t. You simply took two long strides and threw yourself into Jungkook’s arms. Jungkook easily caught you. Like the rest of them, he was surprised, but he didn’t dare not catch you. You felt Jin pat your head, ruffling your hair. You turned to glare at him, but kept your arms wrapped around Jungkook.

“Jia, it’s been so long. We’re sorry we didn’t keep in touch.” You simply waved Namjoon off, much to the boys surprise. “Life got busy.” You reply. That was the understatement of the year.

“We have plenty of time to catch up.” You reassure them, still clinging to Jungkook. Though you reluctantly pull away and put some distance between the two of you so you can hug the rest of the boys. Jungkook thought he felt physical pain when he let you go.

You always knew that Jungkook had a crush on you, and you thought it was adorable. Mostly because you thought Jungkook was adorable. When you left you had a crush on him too. The secretly-writing-in-your-diary, middle-school-love, innocent kind of crush. The one that you would never act on because it was too pure for this world. The love that you would hold on to when other boys broke your heart to prove that love really did exist. But then you had been in the States and Jungkook was here. You couldn’t let yourself be stuck on him. Then, you fell in love with another man and dreamed of marrying him and your children and a happy ever after. You dreamed of experiencing the love that you felt for Jungkook with another man. You should have noticed that first mistake, to think that that love could be replicated. None of those dreams worked out, but despite all of it, you never didn’t love Jungkook. He was your first love. Deep down, you think you’ve only loved Jungkook, but you aren’t ready to think too much about that yet.

So the rest of the night you keep your distance from Jungkook and catch up with the boys on what you’ve missed. You fill them in on some of what they’ve missed, but you decide to keep most of the shit show that is your life to yourself. It’s not that you think the boys would judge you, but some things you aren’t ready to admit out loud to anyone, not even in your room by yourself with no one else home.

When you leave the boys at the end to the night you all decide to meet the next morning at one of your favorite cafes. You used to go there multiple times a week when you all were still in high school, before you left of course.

You knew that today was going to be a hard day as soon as you woke up. The past week you had been full of energy and happiness, most of which you attribute to seeing the boys again for the first time and having your schedule packed with cafe hopping and catching up with their lives. But here you were, lying in bed with the covers pulled over your head, crying for no real reason other than that today sucks. It was only 9 in the morning. You were supposed to meet up with Jungkook, Jin, and Yoongi for brunch, but you couldn’t bring yourself to move. You wanted to curl up and die.

Are you being dramatic right now, of course. But that’s also the reality of life. Some days are harder than others. And today is one of those. Once your life went to shit and you realized the love of your life was not in fact the love of your life, there were a lot of hard days. You tried to power through them through sheer determination and will power, but quickly realized that you were too exhausted. You had been fighting to stay afloat for so long as your life tried to drown you, that you didn’t even have any fight left once you realized that you were being drowned in the first place.

It took you a while to realize, and accept, that somedays were slow days. The days when you let your self roll around in bed and cry without needing to feel guilty. The days when you ate all the chocolate in your apartment and didn’t change out of your pajamas. Honestly, there were a lot of those days.

It is admittedly harder to allow yourself those slow days when your back in Seoul, and when you have brunch plans in a couple of hours. But you are also well aware that you aren’t going to be able to show up for brunch in a few hours. It’s simply not something you have the energy to do and that’s okay. The boys will understand. They have to. If they don’t, and they aren’t able to accept this new, broken version of yourself, then you aren’t sure how your friendship will work. And you can’t lose them all over again. So, they have to understand that sometimes there are hard days and you won’t be able to make it to brunch.

You reach over to your nightstand to text the new group chat, with you and the boys. You send out a text about not being able to make it to brunch, you aren’t completely sure what to tell them and you don’t want to lie. You decide to leave it ambiguous and hope that they don’t read into it. When you sit up in bed and assess your situation, you think that your therapist would be proud of you. Recognizing your emotions. Setting boundaries. Communication.

You realize that, despite everything, you are proud of yourself.

Today’s slow day will start with a bath, you decide. And ordering pastries and coffee from your favorite cafe.

The boys are all gathered in Namjoon’s office reading your text, again.

“I’m sorry I can’t make it to brunch today. I’d love to reschedule tho. Some time later this week work?”

They had called an emergency meeting as soon as they had seen the text this morning, despite some of the boys working. They rearranged their schedules for it. They didn’t want to seem overbearing. You had just gotten back from the States. And they have been making plans with you constantly for the past week. Now that they think about it, it might have been a little overbearing. Okay, definitely overbearing.

There was something formal about your text that they couldn’t figure out. Hence the impromptu meeting. You didn’t make an excuses or claim that you were tired. You just said that you weren’t coming. Honestly, it stumped them. It made them feel like something was wrong. But they weren’t sure how to ask if something was wrong without being even more overbearing than they already were.

Hoseok had asked your parents where you were staying, claiming that they wanted to deliver some food for you. But they also didn’t want to intrude on your space. And you clearly wanted some space. They just also wanted to check on you. They needed to check on you. Ultimately, that was the deciding factor. The guilt of the past years was consuming them whole and they couldn’t bare the idea of you hurting in your apartment alone as they continued on with everyday life.

They decided on Jungkook heading over to your apartment to check on you. If anyone was going to get through to you, it’d be Jungkook. And if anyone needed to see you and make sure you were okay, it’d be Jungkook.

Jungkook got to your apartment before you had time to order from the cafe which would have been bad because you really wanted coffee and a chocolate croissant. But Jungkook brought coffee and a chocolate croissant.

You still made him sit on the couch until you had drank half the coffee. And he was happy to wait, he thought that you looked like you needed the coffee. It made Jungkook happy that he was the one to bring you the coffee.

You looked exhausted. He could see bags under your eyes but he couldn’t tell if they were from last night or it was the first time he was seeing you without makeup since you had gotten back. You were wearing a sweatshirt and baggy sweatpants that seemed to be swallowing you whole. You looked really comfortable. And cute. Like really cute, but in a way that made Jungkook want to pull you into his arms and cuddle with you for the rest of eternity kind of way.

“Why did you come?” You didn’t bother asking how he knew where you lived, you knew your parents would’ve provided the information easily. They adored the seven boys who both protected and comforted you throughout your childhood. Jungkook watches you with careful eyes considering your reaction. He doesn’t see any anger.

“You look exhausted.” Jungkook didn’t really mean to say that, but he couldn’t help himself. “Are you sleeping okay?” He is suddenly overcome with guilt. The boys had wanted to make up for the past, they had wanted to learn about your life without them, and they had wanted to share their lives with you. Suddenly, Jungkook wasn’t sure if that was the right choice. They should’ve let you settle in and get adjusted to life in Seoul, rather than drag you around where they wanted to go. They shouldn’t have pushed so hard.

You laugh a little, breaking Jungkook out of his mental spiral. Guilt can do that to you, especially when it’s a little misplaced.

“I am, but that’s why I’m in Seoul. Right?” Your voice is firm, but vulnerable. Jungkook wants to push because he wants to understand what that means. Were you not sleeping well in the States? When he looks into your eyes he sees a vulnerability that tells him not to push you. So, he holds his tongue and instead reaches over and pulls you closer into his side.

“Then let’s rest.” Jungkook doesn’t leave room for your protests. But when he glances down at you, he doesn’t think you were ever going to. You simply burrow into the couch more and suggest that Jungkook turn a show on.

By the end of the first episode, you are asleep and Jungkook is smiling.

This is what the boys should have been doing, even well you were so far away. They should have found a way to comfort you, even when you didn’t ask for it. Especially when you didn’t ask for it. They should have showed up for you, both metaphorically but also literally. Why hadn’t they ever visited you?

The next few weeks are slower. You and the boys still go to brunch and try as many new cafes as you can. You still learn about each other’s lives and introduce each other to the new parts of yourself. You can tell that they care. It’s just like how they used to be: a perfect mix of protective and caring while creating space for you to be the person you want to be.

There are moments, mostly in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep, that you think about how they stopped reaching out after you went to the states. But even in those moments you scold yourself. Life was changing for all of you. You never wanted to blame them for your friendship falling apart.

More often than you would want to admit, you think about the man that you loved, the man who broke your heart and tore you apart. You wonder what the boys would have thought of you if they saw that. A part of you wanted them to rescue you. Another part of you was glad that they weren’t there. That they never saw how much power you gave to someone else and how he used it break everything you loved about yourself. He turned you against yourself.

You fell in love with a man who seems so perfect. It wasn’t until you had been dating for over a year and moved in together that you realized he wasn’t perfect. Rather he was an angry drunk. You knew that he was under a lot of stress with work and you liked to think that he loved you, but the more rational part of your brain also knew that you didn’t deserve to treated like that. No one did.

It’s a shame that it’s really hard to leave a relationship with someone who tells you that they love you. It’s really hard to leave a relationship with someone when you live with them and the rest of your family is an ocean away. And it’s really hard to leave a relationship when they apologize every time that they hurt you and promise that they will never do it again.

The longer you stayed, the harder it became. You started to think about how everyone would be disappointed that you hadn’t left the first time he put his hands on you. You started to think about how this is all your fault, and that you should have know better.

It wasn’t until you called a crisis text line in the middle of the night when he was on a work trip that you started to realize how wrong he was. You were under the blankets like someone was going to hear you. You didn’t tell them what was going on because you didn’t want it to be real, but it was the first time in years— since the boys— that someone just listened to you. That someone wanted to hear how you were doing and what they could do to help make life, even a little bit, easier.

After that call you started online therapy. It took a little bit until you found the right therapist for you, but when you did, you both just clicked. Within a few sessions you had spilled your story to her and despite all of your worries she didn’t blame you. She told you how strong you are. She told you that you were never the one to blame. She told you that he is the one at fault. Over the course of the following weeks she helped you move out and build a new foundation. She helped you reframed your thoughts so you weren’t blaming yourself for things that weren’t your fault and could recognize that no one should treat someone so horribly. That he is responsible for his actions. And possibly the hardest thing to recognize, that no matter what he told you what he felt for you wasn’t love. It was in those dark moments that you thought about Jungkook. You clung to those feelings and promised yourself that that was what love felt like.

And slowly, so slowly, you rebuilt your life. Then you moved back to Seoul because you couldn’t bear to be in the same city as that man. You never pursued any legal action, you were too exhausted. But you also knew that you’d likely be fighting a losing battle. You could tell your therapist wanted to hurt the man and see him in jail, but didn’t voice her opinions because ultimately they didn’t matter. Only your opinions mattered. You were the one who got to make decisions about your life.

Now back with the boys and in a city that you once loved, you are starting to feel better. You aren’t naive enough to think that your healed, in fact you think that you are broken, but you are no longer blaming yourself for being broken. There is something beautiful in being broken. At least that what you try to convince yourself.

You rush around your apartment, shoving things into closets and preparing for the boys who are coming in a few minutes. It will be the first time that all of the boys are coming over to your apartment together. You decided that you would host a dinner. It had been a month since you had gotten back to Seoul and you wanted to thank them for being there for you— even if they didn’t realize how much it meant to you.

When the door bell rings, you hesitate. You know it’s not true, but you can’t help but think that they will find something missing or think that you’re inadequate. You think that there will always be that little voice in your head that sounds like him. You shake your head and go to the door. You’d rather hear their voices.

Jungkook is standing there holding a bottle of wine. But Taehyung shoves the man out of the way at the last minute to pull you into a hug. Jungkook scowls and starts muttering threats. Hoseok slaps him on the shoulder before pulling you in for a hug, which makes you giggle. The boys immediately shut up and watch.

They love it when you laugh.

The dinner had been perfect and you were all sitting in front of the tv for a mario cart tournament when your phone rang. You didn’t think about it when you answered. That was your first mistake. You had gotten so used to the boys calling you. And if it wasn’t them it was probably your parents. They loved having you back in Seoul. They had missed you so much after they moved back to Seoul from the States.

“Jia.” His voice cut through the phone and it made you still. When you think back to this moment you won’t be able to help being a little disappointed in yourself. You had put so much work into getting better and into becoming stronger. Yet, all it took was one word to send you right back into that old version of yourself. The version that thought that what he felt for you was love. That’s what trauma does to you. No matter how much healing you do, you often can’t help some things from triggering you. You can’t always stop something having power over you. One day you will make sure that this man never holds any power over you, but until then you’ll always be scared of him.

The boys are so caught up in the race that they don’t realize. They will blame themselves for not realizing sooner, but how were they supposed to look out for something that they didn’t know was a threat.

You didn’t say anything, not to the boys and certainly not to him. Instead you stood up and shot the boys a little smile and walked to the balcony. You closed the door behind you and sunk into a chair. The boys that had seen the smile began to worry, it was their first warning, but they weren’t sure what to make of it. They weren’t sure how to help you.

“You left.” The anger in his voice startles you. It shouldn’t have. “You didn’t even say goodbye. I came home and you were gone. How could you do this to me!” You knew he didn’t actually want you to answer the question so you stayed quiet. You kept reminding yourself everything that your therapist had told you. You kept reminding yourself of everything that you told yourself in the mirror at night when the nightmares were particularly bad.

He was talking, but you weren’t listening. You hung up the phone. Even if you weren’t listening to him, you didn’t want to hear his voice anymore. There was a moment of panic after the line went dead that you were worried about what you had done. That you worried about what he would do to you. Then you looked around to remind yourself that you weren’t in the states anymore. You were in Seoul. He couldn’t hurt you anymore. You wouldn’t let him.

You started to laugh. It was a broken laugh that portrayed just how much that phone call had hurt you. The kind of laugh that screamed pain and trauma. But it felt so good. He had called you, ranting about who knows what, and you had just hung up. You hadn’t said a single word to the man and truthfully, he didn’t deserve anything. Despite all of the pain and knowing that the next few days were going to be hard days, you felt like you had taken back a little piece of your power. You had stripped him of his voice, just like he had taken yours. You had silenced him.

When the laughing stopped, the crying began. But this time it felt different. It didn’t feel like the world was ending, it felt like you were being reborn. You were mourning over something that had happened, rather than crying over something that was happening to you.

The boys sat there watching you cry. They had never felt so lost, so helpless. They wanted to fix it, but they didn’t know what happened or where to start. So they just stood there. Some of them were crying out of frustration and helplessness. Others had a heartbreaking, blank look to mask everything that they were feeling.

Yoongi turned to Jungkook. “Help her. Tell her that you love her and support her through whatever just happened.” Then he turned to the others and told them to get out. You didn’t need an audience. Besides, Jungkook would be able to help you.

If nothing else, Yoongi was sure of that. Jungkook would do anything you needed.

The boys shuffled out of the apartment, tossing worried looks in your direction, but when Yoongi leveled them with a glare they started moving. Some of them looked like they wanted to argue, but Yoongi again just glared at them and they accepted defeat. Yoongi is a difficult man to argue with.

Jungkook didn’t ask what was wrong. He wrapped you in his arms and took you inside. Then, he held you close until you stopped crying. By that time you were asleep and his shirt was wet. He held you close as you slept, afraid that if he let go you might start crying again. He held you close even after he fell asleep, his body intuitively knew that he never wanted to let go ever again.

When he woke up again, you were still asleep so he continued to hold you in his arms.

And when you woke up, you snuggled deeper into his chest. You felt him laugh which made you laugh too. “Are you okay?” His voice was deep, like he had just woken up and it made you want to look up and see what his hair looked like in the morning. But you stayed snuggled into his chest instead, not wanting to meet his eyes.

You nodded, but apparently that want enough for him because he pulled you up so he could see and asked again.

“Yeah, I’m feeling better.”You hesitated, but Jungkook could tell you wanted to say something so he stayed quiet and let you think. “I know that you want to know what happened, but I’m not ready to talk about it.”

“Okay.” He didn’t look mad and that made you relax a little. “But whenever you’re ready. Any of us would be privileged to hear. We’re all here for you.”

“Why do you care?” It’s not that you didn’t know. You know that Jungkook loves you. You know that you love Jungkook, but there was that part of you that would never believe him until he said it out loud. And despite everything that you had gone through you wanted to believe it.

You had mourned the girl who lost everything in the states. You had mourned the girl that believed love was apologies and flowers to make up for missing your anniversary rather than for your anniversary. So, you were ready to move on and experience everything that love actually was. Doesn’t mean it didn’t terrify you though.

“I love you.” Jungkook’s voice was strong. A true declaration. “And I know that you love me too.”

“I can’t Jungkook.” God, it was everything you wanted to hear, but it also hurt to hear it. Because you were selfish. You wanted Jungkook to love you because you wanted to experience that love. Yet you also weren’t sure if you could say it back despite how you felt. The last time you told a man that you loved him, he explained that you loved too much. That it felt suffocating and you needed to be less. When you had cried he kissed you softly and apologized for being too harsh, stating that he had forgotten how soft you were. It had been a sugarcoated insult, and one you hadn’t noticed at the time because you were so desperate for affection. You had wanted him to love you so much that you missed the toxicity underneath his false apologies.

Jungkook makes a distressed noise and holds you tighter as he watches you spiral. “I can’t.” Your voice cracked, but neither of you moved. You couldn’t bring yourself to move and Jungkook didn’t want to move until he understood what you were telling him, but his heart was breaking because of how broken you sounded.

“I don’t want to love anyone again. I’ve always gotten hurt. And…” You hesitated because it was painfully to recall the words that had been thrown in your face. “My love is a burden. I am a burden.” You tore your eyes away from Jungkook, finding the floor because you were too humiliated to look at him. So, you didn’t see the devastation that crossed his face. You didn’t see the tears that welled up in Jungkook’s eyes when he realized what you were saying. He could tell that a part of you believed it and that was utterly devastating to Jungkook, it felt like he had just gotten punched in the gut.

You tried to get out of Jungkook’s arm, but he just held you closer. You started to feel like you were drowning in your own selfishness. You wanted to hear this and yet now you can’t face it. You had practically begged him to say it. You’ve never hated yourself more.

Just moments earlier you thought that you were ready, but now that the moments come you don’t feel ready at all. It’s cruel, but its true. Everyone feels prepared until you’re faced with it. It’s easier to feel ready compared to actually being ready.

“You aren’t a burden.” Jungkook tilted your face up so that he could see your eyes. He wanted to make sure that you were hearing him. You had this unbelievably annoying tendency to avoid all reassurance because self doubt was easier. That’s something many people may not realize. Some people have struggled for so long that they have normalized all their negative thoughts and that they are too scared to deviate from their normal, even for reassurance.

It was one of the main things that you were working on with your therapist before you left to Seoul.

You search Jungkook’s eyes for doubt or malice or literally anything that will reaffirm your own belief that while the world is a cruel place, people are even crueler. Deep down you know that you wouldn’t find any, not with Jungkook. But a part of you wants to be able to see that Jungkook is lying because then you could make yourself walk away and protect your heart, even though it may be from love. But instead you are stuck here looking at him. You find that you are wanting to believe him. You want him to be telling the truth because you don’t want to feel sad anymore.

That scares you more than anything else.

“You aren’t a burden.” Jungkook repeats his words because he can tell that your mind is beginning to get distracted and he really wants you to hear him. His hands cradle your face, softly rubbing your cheeks as you look up at him. It’s like he think that if he touches you with enough softness it may weaken your defenses enough to see how to fix everything. Even though deep down, he knows that this isn’t something that he can simply fix for you. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to.

You don’t know what to say to him. You’ve never heard someone tell you that you aren’t a burden. You aren’t sure what is expected of you. But then again, you think that is what he is trying to tell you. That there aren’t any expectations. There is no right way to respond. All of your possible responses are right. So you take the leap of faith.

You press your lips to his, trying to say everything that you don’t know how to vocalize. You don’t know how to say what you are thinking. You don’t even know what you are thinking, but you trust that Jungkook will be able to get the message. And he does because one hand slips to your waist, holding you even closer. You hadn’t thought that was possible.

You break away first, a shy smile on your lips and flushed cheek. He loves how close you both are. He loves that he can see the vulnerability in your eyes. It’s the first time since you were children that you are letting him in.

“I love you.” Your voice is soft, but it holds this sharpness to it that lets him know how serious you are. You never thought you’d ever be able to say that again. It isn’t just a declaration to Jungkook, but it’s also your own little act of defiance to your past self who thought that you would never recover. It’s defiance to the last man to hold your heart. The man who no longer owns any part of your heart.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner.” You murmur, unable to prevent yourself from apologizing. Jungkook understands, so he simply kisses the apology away. “I love you.”

“I love you so much.”

[sincerely-sofie]

Hey! Just wanted to say thanks for making a story so well written I feel like I get second-hand depression every time I read the last two chapters. :)

I think I had more of a thing I was trying to do when I thought I should make an ask, so uh... any advice for a very average artist/writer who struggles with finding motivation for writing?

As payment, I offer you this picture of a dog.

Thanks so much for your kind words! I'm real insecure about my writing and it's clarity, so to hear that it's emotionally powerful means a lot to me, hehe :>

Ooooh man. Do I EVER have advice for artist/writer combo creators who struggle to find motivation for writing. C’mere buddy. Lean in reeeaaal close. Your fellow average artist/writer is gonna tell you a secret. Come on. Even closer. You ready? Okay.

The world has conned you into thinking motivation is necessary to write, or even do anything in general. It's a scam. Motivation is nice, but it's just the icing on the cake. You need a cake in the first place to even enjoy it.

(If you're interested, I’ve written about making your own motivation in the past. Intrinsically created motivation is a lot healthier of a sort of motivation to seek out than extrinsically located motivation, which is the motivation I’m mostly referring to in this post. I figure I’d link to it in case you’re having trouble getting enough oomph to want to even consider writing in the first place, as the rest of this post assumes you’re fairly comfortable with the writing process, but have trouble getting it done.)

Before I wrote The Present is a Gift, I had never truly finished a writing project— I had co-written the script for a video game that never got made and wrote the first short story in an anthology I started and never concluded. Other than that, I had nothing but a massive field of stories that I'd endlessly flit back and forth between, adding to each project I landed on for a time, but never lingering long enough to actually see anything to completion. I loved all of my projects and wanted to do them justice by finishing them, but I never was able to do anything close to that. There were multiple reasons for my struggle to do substantial work on my projects— but the greatest reason was by far my refusal to use anything but motivation as a reason to work on projects. I’d wait for myself to feel motivated to write anything. And I would only be motivated so frequently.

I attribute my newfound ability to break from my pattern of abandoning and rescuing projects over and over to one thing— I set up a writing routine.

I chose a time that worked best for me every weekday to pour myself a massive mug of my favorite edible battery acid (tropical punch Tampico, for anyone curious) sit down at my computer, put on my headphones, turn on one of those multi-hour-long pomodoro timer youtube videos that have pretty music in the background, and write. This was also in combination with an attempt to win at NaNoWriMo, a writing challenge where you try to write 50k words in November, which gave me a daily word count target to try and reach or exceed. NaNoWriMo’s deadline was also helpful— and so was a promise I made to myself to not work on projects other than TPiaG before it was completed— but the real reason I actually managed to write TPiaG was because every weekday I’d do my writing routine.

I was not motivated whatsoever at the start. I was anxious, intimidated, and very reluctant to write. But I committed to writing TPiaG to completion, no matter how I felt about it, because a lot of people wanted to read the story, and I didn’t want to let them down. Not the healthiest driving thought process, I will readily say, but it got me to sit in my chair at first. As time went on and I shook off the rust and reluctance, I wouldn’t feel as anxious about writing. I didn’t feel intimidated. I would wake up and think to myself “OH BOY, IT’S WRITING TIME!” and leap out of bed to start my routine. Motivation only came after I had already been writing every weekday for about three weeks. And the motivation stayed for as long as I kept up with my writing routine.

Don’t get me wrong— motivation is important. But waiting until you’re motivated to do something is a very unsteady way to go about life, and in my experience when that thought process is applied to writing, it means you’ll never finish anything and never be satisfied with your work. There’s a quote that I love that says “the motivation comes after you show up.” And it’s absolutely true.

Motivation loves momentum. You can set bait for it by writing consistently for a while, whereupon it will make its way into your brain and make itself at home for as long as you keep up the momentum you’ve gotten. If you just wait for motivation to stumble into you, you might get lucky, but only that— lucky. You won’t have gained any skills in cultivating your own motivation, and when that lucky motivation fizzles out, you’ll be left waiting for the possibility of another brief flash of motivation to take its place before you’re ready to write again.

[sidecharactersdomatter]

Thoughts I had during TGCF S2 Ep 3

Let’s make the best of Summer Vacation

CW: Past trauma

Previously on TGCF…

-We’re back in Ghost City

-It’s a Ghoulish mob!

-The same bandaged boy from episodes 2-4 in S1

-Thank you Qianqiu

-Riot!  Riot!!!

-The same old cartoonishly violent dust cloud with people fighting in it, classic

-Qingxuan’s face XD

-Yep it is him

-Oh no he doesn’t like touching

-Yeah he does know the kid

-‘Oh joy’ is right!

-A chase!

-Oh no!  Not the mask stall!

-Got any Yuan on you Xie Lian?

-It’s the Blue Spirit from ATLA (that’s the first thing that came when I first saw the waning moon officer)

-That guy has a red lantern shaped eyeball for a head

-Oooh the Ghost city outskirts

-It’s Yubaba’s manor from the Spirited Away movie My sis’s quote: Xie Lian!  Don’t give anyone your true name!

-The manor’s interior feels like the fancy restaurants I’d go with my extended family Sis: Yeah except for the dancing ladies

-This is giving Bollywood vibes

-It’s your man!

-Oooh a flashback!  800 years ago…  

-Those maids are wearing Hanfu reminiscent of the Han Dynasty style

-That’s Alexis Tipton

-“If a foil palace falls it can be rebuilt, but if a son falls ill it won’t be so easy to put him back together again” That is some solid advice

-He looks and sounds adorable!  “I hate it when they fall apart!”  That complain letter ties in with what happens when he’s older…

-Does anyone know who voices Child!Xie Lian?

-His mother’s design is also inspiration for one of my ATLA OCs

-This was me with Kapla blocks, colorized

-It was a few days ago!

-It’s the same music from Ep 9 in the Sinner’s pit

-The shots of Hualian together!!!  Those are the best crumbs!

-It’s the engagement ring from Ep 12!

-“Xie Lian you wound me!  You think I’d go to a brothel?”  My reaction: …A soup place? (Futurama reference, it’s in one of the revival eps)

-Hua Cheng: Brothels, bad.  Interior design, good.

-“I haven’t had a home for the past 800 years…” that line hit hard.

-Hong Jue again!!!!

-“Always how dangerous” 10/10 best flirting

-Flashbacks from S1 eps 3-4

-You gotta love Hua Cheng’s commitment

-Good shot of the Ghost masks

-Hua Cheng’s quote on power is secretly inspiring

-And he accomplished what Ling Wen couldn’t in mere seconds!

-Not so rough Waning moon officer

-Still touch aversive

-“Who am I to deny your wish?” *fans myself non stop*

-Great.  Now I’ve got a craving for dragon fruit, strawberries and mango slices

-“Yong’An.”Oh no his answer triggered XL’s PTSD

-Everything really did change when Bai Wuxiang attacked

-That spiral effect

-To quote on meme made for S2 on tumblr: 

Xie Lian:  It can’t be!  That boy’s homeland shouldn’t be Yong’An!

Hua Cheng:  Yeah, yeah Gege, Let’s get you to sleep.

(My older sister loved that reaction, that’s for sure) 

-The sword’s eye woke up!

-When the house is so well decorated you forget about the mission…

And my older sis would also say: Now he’s draping himself

-The demonic chanting he does while dashing around the manor

-It is Yubaba’s manor from Spirited away

-That was close!

-He just did Yor Forger’s ceiling jump from Spy x Family

-It’s a 12

-Yeah he’d just end up with snake eyes the whole time

-He’s onto you Xianle, best headcanon I’ve got is that Xie Lian is a terrible liar.

-“Useless idiot” yep keep it coming with the Qi Rong roasts

-There’s a Dragon relief on the door

-It’s the earthbending sound effect from ATLA when the huge stone door closed

-This brings me back to the very first Ep when XL defeated the demon at Yinian bridge

-Man, Imagine Sokka in Hua Cheng’s armory doing the same scene from Sokka’s Master (Instant comic inspiration!):

-Dude really thought of the best gift for his highness (I’m really glad I finished this reaction on XL’s B-Day!)

-The exchanged humor on tending to the armory!

-Here it comes!

-And now, here are my translations of the Crimson rain sough flower’s scimitar:

E Ming, wakes up: Who’s that?  Who’s there?

Xie Lian: Hello.  *chuckles*. It’s cute!

E Ming, hearing Xie Lian’s compliment: He thinks I’m cute!!!

Xie Lian: Isn’t that nice?  Well I like you too.

E Ming, hearing more of XL’s compliment: Awww!  Stop it!  You should totally pet me!

Hua Cheng: No

E Ming, now excited: YES!!!

(I love how Hua Cheng and E Ming’s whole dynamic when it comes to Xie Lian’s affection is basically, Hua Cheng: E Ming no!  E Ming: E Ming YES!  Imma go sketch that out!)

E Ming, getting petted: Oh yes!  Yes!  Right there, and near the hilt!

-He’s gonna touch the deadly scimitar, he’s touching the deadly scimitar, he touched the sword

-They tended his wounds!

-This has the energy of two hardworking dads tending to their adopted son while they’re both busy with jobs

-He’s honoring Xiao Ying with her name, that’s good

-Just like Lang Qianqiu!

-Every night at Paradise Manor is Dim Sum night

-It looks like a red bean roll cake

-Another quick 800 year flashback!

-Those glasses look like Jade

-That maid has lighter brown hair

-This is what happens when you accidentally drink through the wrong pipe

-Qingxuan is the wingman/woman

Finished just in time for Xie Lian’s Birthday! Also when I heard that a short film and movie were announced!!! Everything’s coming up TGCF and it’s awesome! For those of you reading The Scrap Immortal and the Avatar, I’ve got a great start on Chapter 1 so hang tight this weekend! More reactions will be coming out this week!

[letstrythisout4]

Hi, it’s me, slytherinboysappreciation. I wanted to send you this as an ask rather than a comment to make it easier for you to answer.

Do you have any thoughts about Blaise and his personal grooming habits? To me he seems like a very well put together person. Like, expensive tastes and classy outfits.

I don’t think he’s obsessed with his appearance like I think Draco is (my personal opinion), but I do think he takes pride in it. Maybe it’s a value his mother instilled in him?

My personal headcanon is that he gives fashion advice to the Slytherin gang. Like, Pansy goes to him for advice on which dress to wear to a party and Draco brings him along when he goes shopping because he values Blaise’s advice so much.

Idk what do you think? I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about this

fuck yeah absolutely

HP Masterlist

ok first i need to establish I think most - if not all- of Blaise's traits and values come from his mother in some way. So yeah in my mind his mother is someone who enjoys the finer things in life, she has expensive taste and isn't afraid to show it. She definitely raised him to believe that generally (there are always exceptions) the way you present yourself through your physical appearance is a large representation of who you are (enter parallel to black families putting value in dressing up whenever having a community event like church etc.). So Blaise likes to be put together. He prefers to be clean shaven, he's regularly at the barber to make sure his lineup is clean and his hair isn't crazy (don't ask too many questions about how he gets haircuts while at Hogwarts, he for sure has a guy in Hogsmeade), his uniform is perfect (he asks the elves to iron his laundry before delivering it) and he is always wearing some form of jewelry like a watch or a ring to complete the look. he is a beautiful man

As for what the other students think, I mean I've said it before and I'll say it again...everyone has a crush on him LOL. Ok not everyone but at the very least everyone can admit that he looks sharp 24/7. Not even people who hate him can deny that. I just know he gives Pansy the best advice on what to wear because he picked up his interest in fashion from his mother, he has perfected the balance of finding something classy yet comfortable for who you are as a person. This is where Draco comes in, I think of Draco as really really caring about his appearance but he isn't natural gifted in fashion in the same way Blaise is. While Blaise got to be around his mother and pick up on her way of perceiving clothing, Draco (in my mind) was focused on training to be the next head of the house (aka he just puts on whatever the elves and his mother tell him to). Draco doesn't really know how to dress himself. Which is okay when you wear a uniform but as he gets older he doesn't just want to wear a uniform he wants to wear a uniform. He wants to stand out in the way Blaise does. So he sucks up his pride and goes to Blaise for advice and slowly but surely Draco begins to personalize his clothes (both his uniform and his casual clothes). He's no Blaise that's for sure, he doesn't really get it. But by talking through things with Blaise, Blaise is able to style his clothes to be more Draco.

(Slytherins find out that Draco's dracoification of his clothes is because of Blaise and all of a sudden he's the slytherin house's personal stylist...Blaise has decided he's sooner or later going to find a way to make money off of this lmfao.)

ALSO VERY IMPORTANT:

this is who I imagine when I'm talking about Blaise

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Nelson Gariba (@nelsongariba)

just to provide a bit more perspective to what I'm saying

Authors note: ok ok thank you so much for the ask (moving forward if anyone who has a specific topic they want me to talk about could submit it as an ask I would love that), I loved talking about this! Anyway please like if you enjoy and comment if you have any thoughts thank you all sm!

[mrs-johansson]

Chapter 6 - Dark Phoenix II - Emergence of conflagration

Part 1:

“It’s our biggest sighting of Klaue in six months. Our destination is Casablanca, Morocco. We all know he operates mainly in Africa. Our sensors have found Vibranium in the biggest amount yet. Our mission is to retrieve the Vibranium. Klaue has become one of our highest priority targets, if anyone messes up this mission I will fire them myself, understood?” Looked around the room of agents. There were about 10 agents plus Sam and Natasha. “We leave 0500 sharp. Vibranium is the strongest metal on Earth, so prepare yourself.” Everyone stood up and took their files before leaving the conference room. “I’d hate you to be my boss,” Sam walked up to me. “I am your boss,” I chuckled dryly knowing he still doesn’t think I’m his boss. “Okay, fine. Is there anything else for the mission? I’d like to be prepared,” he said and I looked up from the leftover papers. “You know your way around raids, we can use your experience with this many recruits. You have to take this seriously, Sam. I count on you in this one,” I said and he dropped his smile and put on a serious face instead. “Absolutely, thank you for trusting me with this.” I gave him a small smile and patted his shoulder before he left.

“Any notes for me?” Natasha leaned against the table, crossing her arms in front of her chest, a slight smirk on her lips. I looked her up and down before going back to the papers. “Notes… Romanoff, I don’t know if I could give you any useful advice. Just don’t vandalize my mission, I heard that’s kind of your thing,” I said without looking at her otherwise I would have laughed straight away. “Yeah, that’d be fun though. Anyway, I was thinking you and Katarina could come over later. I’ve got something for her,” she suggested and I chucked. “Natalia, you have to stop buying her new stuff every week,” I grabbed the papers and made my way to my office, Natasha following close behind. “But I love seeing her face when she's surprised. Y/n, she stopped abnormally fast, we need to spoil her while we can,” her arm gently snuck around my waist pulling me closer so she could leave a kiss on the side of my head. A smile came along my face feeling so much happiness and calmness in our relationship.

The last 6 months were a growing experience. Natasha and I started going to couples counseling. It was my idea and Nat was pretty skeptical about it at first, she needed some convincing but eventually she agreed to do it. After six months of doing it, she actually became fond of it. It keeps us in line I think.

Natasha and I haven’t moved in together yet which I think was a healthy balance to our relationship. We made sure to build it up securely and honestly, trying to be as independent as possible while also being in a loving relationship.

Of course, we spent all of our free time just us two and Katarina. We always try to spend some quality time together, either going to the zoo or some museum that Katarina could enjoy too.

So that’s been great, I love our relationship and I feel like we will be good.

Katarina had stopped growing fast and since the surgery, her hearing and speaking abilities became better and better. She’s gonna turn 4 in just a month and she’s the most amazing little human. Nowadays, she talks your ear off if you’re not careful enough. It became a tradition that every time Natasha was over at our place, Rina read Nat a chapter of Harry Potter.

Her abilities still don't fail to amuse us. She’s reading like she’s in high school and her vocabulary is insanely high. My dad has offered that he could teach her physics and math but I denied it. She’s 4. I want her to have a childhood. Watch her play the snow carelessly, scrape her knee on the playground, cry because she can’t stay up too late, or smudge her face into her birthday cake. I don’t want her to grow too fast unnecessarily. She deserves every little moment there’s to enjoy.

“What did you get her?” I asked Natasha while we entered my office. She took a seat in my chair very quickly. “A set of the Harry Potter movies. Special edition,” my mouth fell open, and looked right at her. “I wanted to get that for Christmas. Oh my god, you have to stop at least until her birthday. You’re gonna steal all my gift ideas,” I said. I packed away all the files and got my bag. “Fine. Ready to go?” She turned with the chair but did not care to stand up. “Just one more thing,” she stood up and closed the door before turning on the shades in the glass windows. “What are you doing?” I asked and she just walked back to me and took the bag out of my hand, dropping it to the ground, making me gasp. “That’s a really nice bag, why would-“ She cut me off with a kiss. Very unexpected at the moment but not complaining.

Her hands were quick to get a grip on my waist, moving to the edge of the table. I pulled myself back for a second, taking heavy breaths. “We need to pick up, Katarina,” I panted. “We have an hour, calm down,” Natasha kissed down my neck, hands roaming my body. “Thank god, I couldn’t have left this room,” I put my hands on her face and pulled her back into a kiss.

***

“I have to make this room soundproof,” I mumbled to Nat as she closed the door behind us. “Maybe next time keep it down a notch,” she bumped her shoulder to mine with a smirk on her face. “Maybe next time-“ “I hate that my office is next to yours,” Maria walked past us.

After I basically ran to the car and Natasha took her sweet time we finally made our way to Katarina’s school and picked her up. I ordered the groceries on the way and once we got to Natasha’s place it just arrived.

Rina ran inside the apartment as Nat chased her while I took the groceries from the delivery guy. “Wow, I’ve never delivered anything to an Avenger, you guys are really cool. Thanks for keeping us safe,” said the man, and I appreciated how nice he said it. “Our pleasure,” I smiled at him. “Is it possible for me to take a picture with you?” He asked a little hesitantly. “Of course, no problem,” I stood next to him and we took a picture before he said thank you and left.

“Was there a problem with the order?” Asked Natasha as I entered the kitchen. “No, he just wanted to take a picture with me. He was really nice,” I said.

Unpacked all the stuff we ordered and after a little while I cooked something real quick, not in the mood to make anything big. We sat down and ate then Nat spoke up.

“I’ve got something for you,” she said, pinching Katarina’s side. The little girl’s eyes widened and a big smile appeared on her face. “Really?” She asked. “Yup, stay here,” Nat stood up and went off to her room and a couple of seconds later walked out with a bag in her hand and a cheeky smile on. “What is it?” Asked my daughter curiously. Natasha handed her the bag and Katarina was quick to rip open the box and when she saw it she gasped loudly.

“Oh my god, yes!” She said excitedly and observed the package of Harry Potter movies like it’s a treasure. “Thank you,” Rina jumped out of her seat and was quick to shower Natasha with hugs and kisses. “You’re welcome, baby,” she kissed her head while hugging her close. “I love you, Natty,” Katarina mumbled against Nat’s shoulder and the smile that pulled on the redhead’s face was remarkable. “I love you too, Bean.”

The rest of the day went by really fast. Clint was nice enough to take Katarina to school so I could go to the mission in time so at 4 am sharp I was already at the HQ, preparing for our departure. Got my guns and knives ready and met with Nat and Sam at the deck ten minutes before 5.

“Be aware of the trainees. I don’t want any of them to mess this up or get killed on my watch, but stick to your mission too. Be safe and don’t do anything stupid,” I said to the two of them. “She’s talking to you,” Sam glanced at Natasha who scoffed at this. “She’s definitely talking to you,” she said. “I’m talking to both of you.”

At 5 we took off with the team, flying straight to Morocco. Our estimated arrival was 6 which was successful thank god because I didn’t want them to slip away this time.

“Sam, I’ve got you new glasses, you have to wear these,” I handed him a box and he took it with a smile. “Wow, a present for me,” he opened it but the smile dropped from his face. “They look the same,” he said. “Yeah, but they have a Vibranium sensor in them. It detects metal, which makes our job a little easier.”

“Okay everyone, it’s showtime. Team R leaves first then Team W and then Team S. Comms are on at all times, you see something you share, yeah? Don’t die,” I said then we were ready to go.

Nat left first with her team then Sam and lastly me. I was very protective of this mission because I’ve been after Klaue for the last six months and he always seemed to be two steps ahead of me.

I neared the main entrance with four agents behind me, Nat and Sam’s teams already making their way inside.

It was a bigger building than these compounds usually look. Security was way more advanced and a lot more guarded. “We can get through, but there are way more guards than we expected, Y/n,” heard Natasha over the comms. “Yeah, I got that. But I’m not leaving until I have Klaue.” “You’re the boss.”

[circular-bircular]

Sup! I’m not a part of the whole be nice to persecutors squad, but I do rehabilitate persecutors sometimes as an ex-persecutor myself and I would like to hear your thoughts on my opinions (genuinely I am open to change. Ik I'm harsh). This is going to be a long one and I’m sorry if I sound dismissive of other feelings it’s more of a how it all feels to me.

This is all persecutor discussion that may be upsetting. Please read with caution or delete from your inbox as you see fit.

So yes of course persecutors should not be treated like monsters they are a part of a system. They are people (or whatever word refers best to one’s conscious collective) and they deserve love and respect like anyone else. So are the people they hurt though. I feel that’s really forgotten in this positivity around the guy that hurts people.

So in my villain era I just chose to be an asshole. I was pissed at the system and wanted to make their lives hell. Letting me front was a mistake I was purposefully off putting around our friends (no they didn’t bloody deserve it I knew what I was doing. I also wasn’t mean I was off putting, to be clear). I wasn’t a confused protector. I wasn’t protecting us. I made the conscious decision and effort to hurt or disturb anything I came into contact with because I was mad. Not all persecutors are like this but my annoyance is at the whole persecutor positivity that includes people like me.

I didn’t change because the system was nice to me. I wouldn’t have changed because someone got me an ice cream or sympathised with me (and they tried) I changed because I happened to be fronting one night and someone was vulnerable in front of us. I’d been nothing but an asshole up until them but I was trusted because in that moment I wanted to change and trusting that I would try I was allowed to. I masked and helped the guy.

That’s not advice btw that’s just, what happened. No one being nice to me or trying to get me to change made me change it was having room for the decision to change that changed me. Getting mad at me for being an ass, making me say sorry for being an ass and treating me like someone who was an ass didn’t stop me from recovery. I whole heartedly believe that you don’t owe all persecutors kindness.

I was reforming a dipshit and I’ve been nothing but kind to her and she was still a dipshit. She understood she was being a dipshit but was fulfilling a role she thought had to be fulfilled and while I slowly undid that the person she was “tasked” with being a dipshit toward was allowed to be angry and upset and hurl insults back. You should be allowed to feel like you’re protecting yourself.

And finally my most controversial statement. System jail is fine. Locking up parts of your system for being assholes isn’t good for them but when you can no longer take the constant abuse or you have too many other problems that’s fine. I don’t understand the weird obsession with being nice to the bully. In my experience that wont stop em and sometimes there is no space to give them room to change all you can do is protect yourself until there is space.

I’m not a persecutor hater. I’m just an internet guy that says the online advice f being nice ignores the people that get hurt. It’s a nuanced and individual situation. Internet advice does not fix that. I am nice when there’s room to be nice and I believe that prosecutors will heal but the shit they fucking did should not be overlooked.

& If any recovering persecutors are reading this. I see you. You’re on a difficult path. You deserve love and respect and to live life.

This wasn't one of the eaten asks, but I've honestly been trying to work out how to respond to this for a long time. I'm gonna try and break this down for myself. And by that I mean, here's Debbie with the weather.

So yes of course persecutors should not be treated like monsters they are a part of a system. They are people (or whatever word refers best to one’s conscious collective) and they deserve love and respect like anyone else. So are the people they hurt though. I feel that’s really forgotten in this positivity around the guy that hurts people.

Absolutely, anon. The people we've hurt need to be rewarded for the shit they've survived from us. I was a complete and absolute bitch, and I apologize for how much of a bitch I was -- but not for the reasons why I was a bitch. I'm not going to apologize for my trauma. For any persecutors reading this, nobody here is asking you to apologize for who you are. We're just saying, acknowledging that you hurt someone is a good place to start.

So in my villain era I just chose to be an asshole. I was pissed at the system and wanted to make their lives hell. Letting me front was a mistake I was purposefully off putting around our friends (no they didn’t bloody deserve it I knew what I was doing. I also wasn’t mean I was off putting, to be clear). I wasn’t a confused protector. I wasn’t protecting us. I made the conscious decision and effort to hurt or disturb anything I came into contact with because I was mad. Not all persecutors are like this but my annoyance is at the whole persecutor positivity that includes people like me.

Anon, take this whatever way you want, but that to me sounds like protecting your system. I purposefully made myself unpleasant to be around. I fucked with my friends and purposefully pissed them off, not "to protect us UwU" but because they were fucking stupid to be friends with these idiots. The other fuckers in my head were weak, pathetic, and pointless. I pretended to be other parts, just to pull the rug out from under my friends, because god was it easy to, and it was absolutely hilarious to see their reactions. I tortured my other parts innerworld, because god was it fun to make them realize just how pathetic they were, just how much better I was than them. My goal was to get the other parts to kill themselves (what I understood as dormancy after some time) and let me just take charge, because I wanted to live.

And yeah. That's me protecting my system.

Because the more I bashed us, the more I said, "let me take over because I'm better than you," the more I pushed away all my friends... It was the more I "kept us safe" from getting hurt from the outside. Rice won't be hurt if she doesn't exist. Rice won't break down from trauma memories if fill her brain with trauma memories 24/7. Rice won't lose her friends and break down if she has no friends to begin with.

I didn't do that on purpose, of course. I didn't look to help these assholes. I wanted them GONE. But now that I'm reformed, now that I can look back at what a mess I actually was, instead of the perfect being I thought I was, I can understand that all of that was my misguided way of protecting us. Even if I didn't understand that at the time.

I made that conscious decision to hurt, and it was influenced by the unconscious decision to protect.

Now, maybe you really were just a pissy lil bitch who wanted to hurt people, whatever, I really couldn't care less about you. But at the end of the day, alters in DID systems split for a reason -- to cope with trauma and make it bearable to survive through. So regardless of what edgy pre-teen bullshit you're spouting, if you're an alter, you're a form of protector in some way. At least in my eyes.

I didn’t change because the system was nice to me. I wouldn’t have changed because someone got me an ice cream or sympathised with me (and they tried) I changed because I happened to be fronting one night and someone was vulnerable in front of us. I’d been nothing but an asshole up until them but I was trusted because in that moment I wanted to change and trusting that I would try I was allowed to. I masked and helped the guy.

Cool! Glad you worked your shit out. I started getting better because someone was really fucking mean to me. I mean, I had food poisoning, was running out of the room to vomit, and my friend still sat me down for like a 2 hour or so lecture about how I was a fucking awful person and she wouldn't stop lecturing me until I shaped the fuck up and understood why she thought I was bad. That fucking BROKE me.

Being nice to your persecutor is one way. Torturing them after fucking cafeteria mozzarella stick induced food poisoning is another. To each their own, y'know? (Side note, I know you don't follow me here bby but I love you, thank you for slapping the shit out of past me with your words and anger <3)

That’s not advice btw that’s just, what happened. No one being nice to me or trying to get me to change made me change it was having room for the decision to change that changed me. Getting mad at me for being an ass, making me say sorry for being an ass and treating me like someone who was an ass didn’t stop me from recovery. I whole heartedly believe that you don’t owe all persecutors kindness.

I wholeheartedly believe nobody is owed kindness. Kindness is a choice I make -- one that can easily be decided against if it is no longer beneficial to be kind. I owe no loyalty to kindness. I choose to be kind, because why the fuck wouldn't I be, you fucking idiot?

I was reforming a dipshit and I’ve been nothing but kind to her and she was still a dipshit. She understood she was being a dipshit but was fulfilling a role she thought had to be fulfilled and while I slowly undid that the person she was “tasked” with being a dipshit toward was allowed to be angry and upset and hurl insults back. You should be allowed to feel like you’re protecting yourself.

Ok but that was a kind thing to do. Like. That's what I mean when I say to be kind to your persecutors. Letting them BE ANGRY IS A GOOD THING???? So confused why this isn't seen as being kind. You took the time out of your fucking schedule to help give that person a space to be upset and angry. That's kindness. That was a choice.

And finally my most controversial statement. System jail is fine. Locking up parts of your system for being assholes isn’t good for them but when you can no longer take the constant abuse or you have too many other problems that’s fine. I don’t understand the weird obsession with being nice to the bully. In my experience that wont stop em and sometimes there is no space to give them room to change all you can do is protect yourself until there is space.

God you're so fucking hilarious tbh.

Yeah, sure, whatever, system jail is fine, esp in cases like. Where you're still in an abusive situation. That's because you're allowed to make mistakes, and system jail is a mistake. It's perfectly valid and fine while also being really fucking awful and stupid.

The "weird obsession" with being nice to the bully isn't "it will stop them." It's "that's an entire ass part of yourself, stop fucking airing your self-hatred out in public for everyone to see, it's nauseating."

TL;DR: Being kind to your persecutors is a choice. Obviously, it's not one you HAVE to make, but it's highly suggested. The issue is, "kindness" looks different for everyone. For me, it was "kind" to have someone do the equivalent of a guttural scream for 2 hours. For others, it's fru-fru shit that makes them feel all warm and fuzzy. For you, it was just giving someone the time and space to be angry. Making mistakes is okay. Do what you want forever and who even gives a shit? And FFS, OBVIOUSLY, LET'S NOT IGNORE THE VICTIMS OF OUR ABUSE. (But yknow, let's not ignore the fact that persecutors are also victims of abuse and they get blamed for literally every fucking thing jfc).

[musette22]

Hi Minnie, hope you’re doing well honey! I’m wondering if you have any thoughts or advice on something. I think you approach fandom in a somewhat different way to me, so you might not find yourself in the situation I’m in. But I’d appreciate whatever thoughts you have.

I’m currently in the middle of a huge shipping war (embarrassing but true) in another fandom, and it’s really stressful (similar to when it was Stucky shippers vs…well there have been a few rival ships). I have the vast majority of the ‘other side’ blocked and tags blacklisted etc, but stuff still leaks through, and some create burner blogs to harass and taunt us (staff does little to nothing about it).

Another problem is, their ship is currently “winning" in canon. Like, big-time. So it’s really frustrating to see that largely mean-spirited, nasty people are getting their way (I’m sure there are some nice ones but I don’t think they’re the majority), in addition to knowing that stuff I really don’t want to be happening is happening. It’s very hard to deal with the frustration. And there’s no telling how long this stuff might go on for.

I guess I’m just wondering what you’d do in this situation. I’m tempted to drop out of the fandom completely, but I’ve been a part of it for awhile and it would be hard to give up. I could take a break, but I’m pessimistic that anything will be better in 3 or 6 months or however long.

Thanks for any thoughts you have on this!

Hello my love! Thanks so much for your message 💗

I'm genuinely so, so sorry to hear about the situation you're finding yourself in, that sounds awful and incredibly draining. And that's just such a shame, because that's the opposite of what the fandom experience should be bringing us!

I haven't been in the exact same boat as you, but I think I've had experiences that were close enough to understand a bit about how you're feeling. It's just so tricky, because while taking a step back or leaving this fandom altogether would probably be the most straightforward solution, you obviously still love your ship and presumably also the good parts of the fandom your in, the bits that actually make you really happy. So by leaving the fandom, you wouldn't only be leaving behind the bad stuff, but the good stuff too. So yeah, I really hope you'll find a way around this which will allow you to somehow stay in your current fandom and also actually enjoy it.

It's such a shame that people can't just ship and let ship. I'll never understand why anyone would try to deliberately hurt or taunt other people who are just trying to enjoy their favourite pairings, and although I understand how easy it is to get caught up in it even if you don't want to be, shipping wars an sich are just about the dumbest thing ever to me. Completely pointless, imo. But yeah, once you find yourself in the middle of something like that, it can be really hard to extract yourself from it.

I think the fact that new content is still being made for your fandom, and that canon is not going the way you'd hoped, definitely complicates matters. When Endgame happened, and everything after that (including TFATWS), I also really struggled to continue enjoying being in the Stucky fandom for a while. And that was even without being harassed anybody (at least, not in any significant way). I remember feeling really upset for quite a while, mostly about how there were things happening to my beloved characters that I did not want to happen and felt like a violation of my happy place. Really the only thing that got me through were all the wonderful people who felt the same way I did, friends I could vent to, mutuals who continued fighting the good fight (and I don't mean actually fighting with anyone, just like, making beautiful fannish creations for Stucky), as well as the hope that the storm would down again at some point. And fortunately for me, it did. And without being constantly confronted with things that made me upset, and by creating some clear boundaries for myself, I was fortunately able to continue to enjoy being in this fandom.

I can't deny that the upcoming Thunderbolts movie is making me a little nervous, because I know that new Bucky content is bound to stir up a lot of that old agitation again. But the fact that I have consciously decided not to engage with any new Marvel content after EG, and that for me, Bucky's canon story ended in Wakanda with Steve, definitely makes it easier to deal with. To me, post-Wakanda canon is irrelevant. There is plenty of canon for me to draw on for the Stucky that I love, but mostly, *my* Stucky is a product of fanon anyway (that is, the version of Stucky created by fandom). So even when there is new Bucky content in the future, it just isn't part of my narrative for them, and for the most part, I can just ignore it and keep doing my own thing. So that's really what I would advise you to do too - try and delineate 'your' canon, your ship, as clearly as you can, and ignore everything that doesn't fit inside those boundaries to the best of your ability. It took some time and practice for me, but it did eventually become easier, and it really did make a difference.

So, I don't know if I have any actually helpful advice for you, lovely, because it sounds like you're already doing everything you can to make a bad situation work. But I would say, just keep blocking, keep blacklisting, never ever rise to the bait if anybody tries to antagonise you in any way (that one is REALLY important, I've found. People will eventually get bored of taunting you if they don't get a reaction).

Focus on the people you like and trust and who feel the same way you do, try not to dwell on negativity and try and focus instead on enjoying your ship in fanon, if canon isn't cooperating. Read and write all the fics, post headcanons, make edits and art for your ship, keep it alive - and do it for yourself and people like you, and not to spite anyone else. In the end, it's all fiction, and the fact that canon started it all doesn't mean you have to stick with it. This ship is yours now, and you can do with it what you like. And the most important thing you can do is enjoy it and let it bring you joy and comfort.

And it's possible that it won't be for a while, because I don't know how much new content will be made for this ship in the future, but eventually, the commotion is bound to die down. If you think you'll be able to keep going in your own, carefully curated bubble until then, then that's amazing. But if you think it's only going to keep making you miserable, then it's probably best to step away, at least for a while, however painful it may be. Mental health and personal happiness have to come first, always, otherwise what's the point of fandom?

I'm sorry I can't be of any more help, honey, I wish I could do more! But I genuinely hope you'll be able to make it work, and that your ship can continue making you happy for a long time to come. Sending lots of love and strength your way! ❤️

[some-little-infamy]

Let Me Tell You Now

(5 times people talk to Bobby while he's still unconscious, and one time Bobby talks back) (Read on AO3)

Eddie

Eddie looks around the room as if making sure they’re alone in here - as if there’s anywhere someone could be hiding in the small hospital room, anyone who wouldn’t also be hovering at Bobby’s bedside if they were in here with him.

“I messed up, Bobby,” Eddie says. “I know this isn’t fair. I should be in here giving you some sort of pep-talk for your subconscious, not unloading all of my issues on you, but… I have to talk to someone. And I already screwed up by keeping things from Buck, and Marisol isn’t speaking to me right now, and Christopher… God, Bobby, that’s where I really went wrong. I never should’ve put Christopher in a position to be hurt by something I was doing.”

Eddie takes a deep, steadying breath.

“She looked just like Shannon. And you know… you know.” Eddie doesn’t have to say more than that, whether or not Bobby can hear him. He’d know, he always just knows about these sorts of things. That’s what Eddie’s missing the most right now.

“You’d know what to do. You’d have the right words, and man, Bobby, I could really use the right words right now, because all I have is guilt and regret on repeat right now, and no amount of Hail Mary’s are going to fix this one.”

Eddie falls silent, as if waiting for Bobby to wake up just to give him advice. When that doesn’t happen, Eddie just shakes his head.

“Well, whenever you feel like waking up, you get first dibs on telling me how dumb I am. So hurry up, alright?”

  Buck

“Heya Bobby,” Buck says. “Boy, do I have a lot of stuff I wish I could talk to you about. Like, uh, Tommy wanted to come, but he said he was going to save the first wave of visits for us to have some time just the two of us. I told him that there wouldn’t have to be any more ‘waves’ of visits, because you’re going to wake up soon. If you could do it while, uh, I’m here, I’d love to rub it in everyone’s faces that I’m the favorite,” Buck adds, with a wink that Bobby can’t see. Perhaps he can hear it in Buck’s tone, though. “But Tommy says ‘hi’. I told him what you said to me, and he said he was glad to have your ‘seal of approval’, as he called it,” Buck laughs again. “I can’t wait for you two to get to know each other better. And you will.”

Buck pauses, thinking through everything else that’s happened since he last spoke to Bobby, like he’s updating him on the daily firehouse news so he isn’t out of touch when he gets back. He remembers when he was in his Coma, the few times he felt like he could hear and see the people around him, even if he didn’t show it… if Bobby is doing that too, then maybe hearing about the normal day-to-day he’s missing will bring him back. It couldn’t hurt, right? Hoping Bobby hears how much he’s needed?

“Eddie’s going through a lot. I’m spending a lot of time with Christopher… sure would love it if you were around to run some things by. Did you know that if anything ever happens to Eddie, I’m set up to be Christopher’s guardian? I can barely guardian myself,” Buck admits.

“Speaking of guardians… I know we’re not, like, really your kids. But we are. And I know we don’t always listen, but… the other day, when I made dinner and you said you had nothing left to teach me? You were wrong. You were so wrong, Bobby. That was just one dish, after all. You’ve got at least a dozen more to show me before you’re allowed to leave, so just keep that in mind while you’re resting up here, alright? You gotta come back and teach me so many more recipes.”

Buck nods, as if that’s that, the matter is settled.

  Hen

Hen doesn’t say anything for a very long time. She sits in silence, reading the charts clipped onto the bottom of the bed in great detail. Then she reads them again. And again, as if somehow she’s going to catch something they didn’t, something that will change the prognosis they were given to something a little more optimistic.

She can’t. It feels like a failure, like she should be able to see something the others didn’t because she knows him better - because he’s her Captain, and she should be able to do something for him besides sit here and listen to the beeps of the hospital room. She feels useless.

“I’m here, Captain. Sorry I’ve been quiet. I don’t know if the others have been talking to you… honestly, after Buck being in here earlier, I’m sure you appreciate the quiet.” Hen laughs a little at her own joke. “But I’m here.”

Hen sighs.

“I’m not ready to take over for you, Bobby. I still need you. I’m still learning so much, and… and I can’t wrangle this heard of stray cats we call a Station the way you can, alright? I let Buck have a clipboard again, I’m that desperate. So come back to us…” Hen trails off, swallowing back the lump in her throat. “And that’s an order from your acting Captain.”

  Chimney

“Hey, Cap!”

Howie knows his voice is too loud for the quiet room, but he can’t help it. He’s determined to be normal in here. No quiet mourning, no weird conversations demanding promises of an unconscious person, just… normal. And Howie, under every normal circumstance, is loud.

“Listen, with you gone it’s Clipboard Buck 3.49 or whatever model numbers he’s going by these days. He’s determined to have the place cleaner than it was when you left.”

When you left. That sounds so… casual. Good.

“So if that’s why you’re holding off on coming back, no worries there, Boss.”

Howie looks from Bobby to the monitors, as if that simple statement will be the one that turns the tides on this whole thing. Like the idea of having to clean up a disaster of a firehouse is why Bobby’s still asleep.

“Anyway, uh. Everyone’s been taking turns bringing meals to Athena, and May and Henry while they’re staying at the house, so you don’t have to worry about any of them, either. Just thought you’d like to know that.”

Howie pauses. Too casual. Too reassuring.

“But there’s plenty you should worry about. Like all this stuff going down with Hen getting her foster license revoked, and Eddie having some sort of full life crisis, and, you know, Athena’s going to need some help getting the house back into any livable condition, so… don’t think we don’t need you back, because we do, okay?”

There, that’s better. The door opens and Athena doesn’t hesitate to walk in, uncaring of who or what she may be walking in on. As she should. Howie’s smile softens but doesn’t disappear.

“I got him all warmed up for you, Sarge,” Howie says, taking his leave and giving her some privacy.

  Ravi

“Sorry you’re stuck with me for a little while,” Ravi says with an extremely forced laugh. “I had to force your wife to go get some fresh air, so I’m sure it’ll only be for five, ten minutes tops.”

Ravi sits down in the chair next to Bobby. It’s warm - it hasn’t been empty a single second of visiting hours.

“I gotta admit… I feel like a bit of an imposter here. I’m sure there are a dozen other people you’d rather see in this chair if you-” Ravi stops, biting on his lower lip. “When you wake up,” he’s quick to correct. “Sorry. Fuck, I can’t even do bedside watch right. Cap, you can’t… you can’t leave us. You can’t leave me. I need you. I’ve been thinking a lot about the way you’ve been acting around me lately, and it was almost like… like you were planning this. Every conversation I replay in my head feels like you were getting me ready to go at this without you. Same with Buck and the cooking, and Hen making calls in the field, and… look, you may be ready to leave, but don’t. Don’t do it. Not like this.” Ravi wipes the tear or two that well up as he speaks, quick to get rid of any evidence that he may be losing it a little bit in case Athena shows back up. She’s suffering the most out of all of them and she doesn’t need to be worry about him in all of this. It should be the other way around - Ravi’s here to support the others. It’s his job at the station and it’s his job here.

“I know you think we’ll be okay on our own, but we won’t. I know you like to push us, to test us… but don’t this time, okay? I don’t want to find out the answer on this one. Just… wake up, alright?”

Ravi’s hand hovers over Captain Nash’s just as the door opens, and he pulls it back. It’s fine, Ravi tells himself as he gives Athena as comforting of a smile as possible before heading back out to the waiting area. This isn’t a goodbye.

-------------

+1. Athena

Athena could count on both hands the number of minutes she’s been out of Bobby’s room since her own discharge. Not a single person has asked her to leave for longer than a few minutes to step outside and refresh, or use the hospital shower. Everyone’s been bringing her meals so she isn’t living off of hospital food, and making sure she sleeps, even if it’s just in the uncomfortable chair next to Bobby’s bed.

It isn’t that she cares about being the one in the room when Bobby wakes up - all that matters is that Bobby is going to wake up. Her fear, her only concern, is that she wouldn’t be there if he takes a turn for the worse. If he has a final moment, she’s going to be there for it, for better or worse.

That’s the fear that drives her, that keeps her stubbornly planted here with no signs of moving.

“I know you’d be so mad at me for not going home to sleep,” Athena says. “But I’m taking care of myself! I’m eating, I’m drinking water, I’m even getting all my steps in pacing the length of your room a thousand times.” Athena smirks at that.

“Here’s the part where you tell me that none of those things count. ‘Bad sleep doesn’t count as sleep’, or ‘hospital pizza doesn’t constitute a meal’...” Athena says with the hint of imitating Bobby’s speech and cadence.

“Sounds like… you don’t need me… around to tell you… then…”

Bobby’s voice is so quiet Athena thinks she imagined it, much like the conversations she’s been playing in her head ever since she woke up.

“Bobby?”

Athena’s afraid to look up, afraid she’s going to see the same thing she has every other time - Bobby with his eyes closed, barely breathing, let alone moving or speaking. But when she does, forcing her eyes to rise to meet Bobby’s, they do meet. She meets the awake, the alive, eyes of her husband.

“Bobby!” Athena throws herself over his body the best she can without risking pulling out any tubes or upsetting his injuries. It’s more of a hovering touch than a proper hug, but she needs to do it. She needs to feel his muscles move beneath her of their own volition, his hands rising slightly to brush against her arm.

“Can’t…” Bobby coughs. “Get rid of me… that easily.”

Athena wants to reply with something brave and witty, but all she can do is let the silent tears of relief dampen Bobby’s hospital gown.

[no-pretence-of-something]

Hi guys! I am so sorry for the long post. I have adhd and I know if I saw this I would skim past but if you have migraines or know lots about migraine treatment PLEASE READ I’m getting super desperate now. I’ve had chronic headaches for about 10 years and chronic migraines for about 7. For me this means I get at least 1 headache every single day (that will not respond to normal OtC painkillers except sometimes aspirin) and about 3-10 migraines in a fortnight (recently this has been closer to a migraine every day or every other day).

I’ve been prescribed:

Propranolol (as a preventative)

— something about relaxing blood vessels

Topamax

—theres apparently an idea of treating the migraines as mini seizures

Imigran/Relpax

—taken when I get a migraine (works about 80% of the time if I am also able to lie down in the dark and do nothing for a few hours after taking it. If not drops to working about 50% of the time)

The tests/treatments I’ve done to investigate the cause of the migraine (sometimes done as an aside to another issue):

Brain scan, eye test, hearing test, dentist(TMJ pain), chiro (got an upper back and neck scan), blood test (low iron but no change since taking iron) and other shit that I can’t remember. I’m also booked in for a neurologist but not till September.

I’m a musician (trumpet and composer) and I often have to miss rehearsals and starting to miss shows and I’m doing more musicals/productions and those kind of settings (noise, hours, focus, cramped) tend to trigger migraines and saying that it’s starting to bum me out is a bit of an understatement haha if anyone has any advice I’d love to hear it

Edit: (Additional Info)

Imma keep listing things I’ve done to try and improve my headaches/migraines with varying results

-drink more water (probs helped)

-drink electrolytes (too soon to tell/I might be placebo-ing myself into thinking it’s working)

-get those ice hat things (sometimes works but also only after I have a migraine)

-air purifier (who knows)

-meditation (helps me sleep?)

-put plants in my room (who knows in terms of air quality but the plants are nice)

-humidifier (sinuses are less dry?)

-sinus wash thing (who knows)

-somnilight migraine glasses and fl-41 glasses (seem to help a bit?)

-blue light glasses (who knows/maybe a placebo)

-weird pressure point things that go on the webbing bit in between my thumb and pointer (nope)

Edit 2:

-track barometric pressure (I’m in western australia and it’s not been the rainy season since I started tracking it so tbd)

-got a sleep mouthguard for TMJ pain (helped with jaw pain, less waking up with a headache)

-therapy (not specific to migraines but apparently counts as treatment?)

-dark chocolate (like I’m talkin 70%cocoa - or more honestly helps a lil if it’s a moderate headache - might be a placebo)

[kiwiana-writes]

Do you have advice on how to make friends in fandom if you don’t write or draw or make gifs or videos or edits? I ferally comment on and reblog people’s posts/fics/art. I send people asks (not on anon, contrary to this one). I’ve tried DMing folks, especially those who’ve reposted things about being ok with being DM’d, but either never hear back or it fizzles quickly. I’ve also tried joining discords but find it overwhelming to even figure out where to start with those.

I love fandom, but it often feels like I’m driving by a party I really want to go to but I can’t find parking. I’m not a writer, that’s probably a terrible analogy.

I honestly have never had a hard time making friends online until I tried to make friends in fandom. I feel like there must be something wrong with how I’m approaching the space.

I mean, I’m going to keep commenting and reblogging regardless, but I’d also like to make some friends while I’m at it.

Ugh, honestly anon, I really really feel for you. I… am not good at making friends in fandom. At least not in terms of being the one to approach. I kind of just let myself be forcibly adopted by people who seem cool 😅 But that’s not a helpful strategy for you!! I would love if other people could weigh in with ideas for this anon, especially folks who either aren’t writers/artists, or maybe made fandom friends BEFORE they got into writing etc. Off that top of my head I’m gonna cold call @firenati0n and @celeritas2997 as people who seem to just have a knack for making friends, but I’m sure there are other people out there who may have tips for you.

I will say — tumblr DMs are fucking atrocious, at least for my adhd ass who has a terrible tendency to read messages intending to reply later and then they immediately fall out of my head. On something like discord the list of people you’ve messaged is pretty clearly displayed, so if I see someone’s name at the top of the list I’m like “oh shit that’s right”, but tumblr squirrels away the messaging function entirely so I never see it to give me a kick and a reminder. I shudder to think how many people I’ve inadvertently done exactly what you’re talking about to 😭 Discord DMs are a much better experience for me, but YMMV, and I do absolutely get what you mean about discord servers: by nature, the public ones are gonna be the big ones and they can get overwhelming quickly.

I guess the only other tip I can think of right now is to have a contact method in your AO3 profile — more than once I’ve had amazing comments from a regular reader, really wanted to reach out to them, and haven’t known how.

I really hope someone has something more useful for you, because I’ve been there, and I hate the thought of anyone feeling like they’re outside a party they weren’t invited to. It’s not invite-only; it’s one of those wildly irresponsible parties where someone chucked the address on Facebook and we’ll keep going till the cops shut us down 😂 But I GET IT, I’ve been there, and I’m really hoping some folks jump in the replies/reblogs with some suggestions for this anon?