#also if anyone has advice on this i'd appreciate it

[maplesleep]

QUESTION.....would y’all care if i made a ko-fi??

[ask-artsy-oncie]

Ugh. Looks like pretty much every program I run now is telling me to upgrade from Windows 8.1 or go suck a nut.

There goes my last iteration of Windows with no forced voice assistant or fucken. Microsoft Edge integration.

[cultivating-wildflowers]

🎤

[actuallyyangxiaolong]

I think I have a fishbone lodged in my throat but I'm very stoned and my dad thinks I should go to the ER but also weed has only been legal here for a few months and I don't know if you can even get medical care while high but also the internet says you should see a doctor asap and I'm not even sure if this is real or if I'm just making shit up and overreacting holy SHIT I am freaking out

Jesus Christ I have the worst luck ever

[icarusfrommars]

My brother and I once got high together and sat on my porch, just chatting as brothers do late into the night. About all sorts of dumb shit it doesn't even really matter. There's nobody else in the world who I can just shoot shit with as well as him. And probably nobody else I can be as real with.

I don't even remember what the conversation was about, or what I said to prompt this response, but at some point, while we both sat on my broken ass futon, he turned to me and asked me a question directly to my face.

"Wait, dude, are you trans?"

And at that very moment my mind flashed back to so many different memories. Wondering about how different it would be if I were born a girl while taking too long in the shower, doing multiple streams where I wore a maid outfit as a joke, and, of course, back to that day in middle school when that girl turned to me the same way my brother had, looked me in the eyes, and put a thought in my head that I've lived with for 10 years.

"You would be pretty as a girl."

I don't think that she knew how that would affect me. I don't think I did either. But something about the way she said it, the way she looked at me for a moment and smiled softly before implanting this persistent quote in my head felt like... like she had peered into something deep inside and extracted it through my eyes.

And now, once again, my internal thoughts were being challenged, this time by my brother.

"I mean, it's cool if you are like nothing's gonna change-"

"No." I told him. And I believed it. And I still do believe it. I was born a boy, I had lived as a boy, and I was comfortable with my life remaining that way. I felt no need to discard my birth gender because, well, it had served me just fine for 22 years.

And yet, hesitation. I was high, sure, but still there was something deep down that wanted me to remember all those small thoughts and tiny moments of uncertainty.

We changed the subject. I don't remember to what. I don't even remember if this conversation was real or not or if it was just a dream. But it's another moment that sticks with me, lingering in my head. Another second in time that I should have forgotten by now but I haven't. Because I can't. Because I can't shake the feeling of "what if?" Even if I'm not trans. Even if I come out the other side of whatever weird funk I'm in right now and declare that I am not trans, there's still the "what if's" in my head.

A week ago I had a dream where I was outside of my body, looking at myself like I was on the other side of a mirror. Someone else was there and my head was turned away from me. My hair was long and done up, and the other person was applying something to my face. They turned the chair around and I looked at myself from my side of the mirror and I saw myself but my face was completely done up in makeup. Lips, eyebrows, eyes, everything. Nothing super fancy or drag-esque. Just, like, a normal looking makeup routine. I looked at him and something inside clicked into place. A gear turned for the first time in a long time and even though both he and I fully understood ourselves as a boy, we looked at what we could have been as a girl and we both felt like that feeling was... right.

He and I locked eyes. I remembered the middle school girl's words.

She smiled.

Then I woke up.

I couldn't go back to sleep afterwards until I finally crashed around sunrise just to have some energy for work the next day.

And now for the last week I've been scrambling my brain trying to make any sense of myself at all. Trying to figure out what the fuck I am or if I even want to be anything. It's frustrating and confusing and ridiculously dramatic.

But most of all, it's terrifying.

And most of all, it's incredible.

And most of all, it's sickening.

And most of all, it's right.

It's right there. It's there.

I don't know what it is or what it will look like but there is something there. It's something that has festered since I was too young to understand. It's something that I don't think I'll ever understand or even want to. But what I can't do is ignore it any longer.

And she was right, too.

I would look pretty as a girl.

I am once again thinking about that girl in middle school who looked me in the eyes and then said "You would be a pretty girl."

[kings-highway]

haikyuu ship headcanons except i forgot to think of a theme so they're all unrelated

daisuga: absolutely they casually kissed sometime before confessing to each other. Either as a joke/gag between friends, a dare, or maybe for some kind of student film/stage production, their first (romantic) kiss is definitely not their first kiss. Its probably not even their second. I'd hesitate to say third.

iwaoi: Iwa uses Oikawa being "needy" as an excuse to hide his introvertism. Makki and Mattsun are trying to drag him over to play video games for the 3rd time that week so Iwa's just "ahh, can't, Oikawa's already mad I ditched him the last few nights. You know what he's like, he gets so whiny if I don't give him attention," and meanwhile Oikawa is waiting for him by the gate like "alright I'll walk you home so the lie holds up, but you're giving our friends a bad impression of me and I don't appreciate that."

tsukkiyama: yamaguchi decided he was going to marry tsukki very young and tsukki did not get a say in this. like I'm thinking 11 years old and yamaguchi is daydreaming like "yeah. im gonna make him my husband." concidentally this is also why he doesnt get jealous of girls confessing to tsukki because he has this incredible internal conviction that they'll be married one day. basically he spends the next decade of his life wooing him over and playing the longest game ever and it works. tsukki never realizes exactly how young he was put into yamaguchi's trap.

ushiten: tendou was absolutely downright plagued by sex dreams starring Ushijima in their second year and into their third year and this was incredibly alarming for him because he had never even had a crush on anyone before, nor a dream like that previously, and he hadn't even consciously realized he had any attraction towards him beforehand. well thats one way to figure out you have a crush. and that you're gay.

kagehina: wrong culture but I think these two would fucking nail the promposal thing in theory, but they'd be competing with each other to see who could prompose first and theyd be so caught up in avoiding the other person's so that they could be the one to do it that they'd never actually ask each other to prom and then theyd have to go together but technically alone because they never asked. like theyve been dating for 2 years they both knew theyd say yes, they simply did not let the other ask because they wanted to do it.

matsuhana: they would both deny it with their whole chest, but they actually look up to Oikawa and Iwa as a couple, and will often default to asking them for advice. Even when its really complicated stuff, they trust their judgement. Mattsun and Makki met in high school, so they've always been really jealous of the long, childhood best friend thing and want to be able to know each other that well.

[wonyscafe]

astro appreciation

⋆ ˚｡ ୨୧

☆ my undying love for virgo moons is so intense, you guys are such good listeners and have the perfect advice... you're also so freaking talented!!

★ I once dated a 0 degree aries venus and yes it was short but I have never felt more loved than those 2 months

☆ you gemini placements especially gemini suns always know how to make people connect w each other without even trying too hard, it just happens

★ I'd like to make a quick moment to appreciate all the aquarius moons out there, I've noticed how you can make anyone laugh even during the hardest times

☆ also omg leo risings!! you hype people up and I love u for it!!

★ to all the 12H people out there: your questions are not weird or strange. they're interesting and original. don't let others stop you from asking intriguing questions

☆ also aquarius suns have so much rizz and y'all don't even notice it

★ I will never get tired of listening to a fire/9H mercury. you speak with so much passion about certain topics

☆ all the people I know who have libra sun/moon are so trustworthy during fights. like they will not break your trust, and if they are, they'll 100% receive their karma for it. and they know this. and they're smart so chances are very high that they'll be trustworthy

★ IDC WHAT ANYONE SAYS BUT GOSSIPING W GEMINI VENUS IS SO FUN BRO WHAT

☆ if you ever see someone w pisces placements, don't look into their eyes. you'll literally get lost in them.

★ every single taurus I know is so cozy, like they will legit treat you like a royal if you set foot into their house I'm so serious

☆ the people who have the best rational advice in my opinion, are capricorn mercuries. they come off as an authority figure but I really like that energy. they're just really wise idrk how to explain it...

★ if you have scorpio placements you deal with jealousy SO MUCH bc you're literally so attractive. like the energy you radiate intimidates others in a way that they get jealous of you

☆ I'm telling you sags are the best travel buddies EVERRR me and my sag friends go to different countries or cities everytime we hangout and it's so much fun like???

★ ok but cancer moons. like that's it that's everything THEYRE everything.

☆ something ab 10H placements and being the literal human embodiment of the devil wears prada

★ ok biased but virgo placements >>> something ab them is just so hot like

↳ a/n : I'm definitely not done yet bc MAN I LOVE SO MANY PLACEMENTS!!! but now your girl has to study for her ecology, biology and chemistry exams </3 wish me luck y'all I'm ALMOST DONE!!! have a wonderful day or night 𖹭

[certifiedsexed]

I'm really sorry if this is off topic, you post a lot about trans stuff and I don't know where else to ask for advice. Ignore this ask if it doesn't fit the blog and have a nice day.

Has anyone here dealt with partners who have switched views from radfem to TERF? For context, I'm a pre-everything trans male and I don't pass at all. I've been dating my girlfriend for a few years now, she's always been supportive, until this year.

Two years ago she adopted radfem views and this summer she began to deadname and misgender me for the first time and hasn't stopped after polite corrections. She keeps saying I'm just confused and other things, you know what I'm talking about if you've ever interacted with a TERF. It happens every day now.

Is this normal and just a bit rude, or something serious? It's exhausting and I don't feel safe with her anymore, but everyone says I'm just overreacting and I don't know how to handle it carefully, since I don't really have any support now.

Is it really selfish to want to be at least called by another (gender neutral in my country) name if you look like a girl?

No apologies needed! I'm happy to help and I appreciate you trusting me to answer. <3

I need you to genuinely listen to me for a second, Anon. I do not say this lightly. The behavior you're experiencing with your girlfriend is abusive. It's not "just a bit rude", it's not safe and its not appropriate.

Everyone who is telling you that you're overreacting are frankly not trustworthy either if they're telling you that your girlfriend refusing to use your name, misgendering you and trying casual attempts at what sounds a lot like conversion therapy bullshit is not an immediate "get away from that person now".

It makes sense you feel unsafe. She's being consistently abusive towards you and you have no support behind you, that's awful. Whether you "look like" a girl or not, you're not a girl and you've said so.

It is not selfish to ask people to respect your gender and pronouns.

I'm not sure how to handle this carefully either, if i'm honest, because I don't know your situation and I don't know what you have access to.

But my primary advice is to find a way out of this relationship and away from your girlfriend, since it sounds like she is the biggest issue here. I'd frankly also advise finding more spaces with openly trans people, even if that's just online, so that you can find more people like you, in situations like you.

I think it'd really help, especially since people in your life don't sound very supportive. I also think looking up information specifically on trans people, dealing with transphobic abuse would be helpful. This is an article, for example, that might be helpful for you to read.

I don't know how helpful this all is but I'm so sorry you're dealing with all that, Anon. I've dealt with [and still deal with] some of what you're talking about and I know that's such a burden. Sending love. ❤

Let me know if you have any other questions. If anyone else has suggestions, feel free to add on. <3

[cripplecharacters]

one of the main characters of my story is Deaf, and because the story is set in a very small town, he doesn't really have any chance to connect with Deaf culture, so should i change that?

his parents are divorced, and he used to live with his mum, who's also Deaf, but has been living with his hearing dad for a while now in this small town. the story kind of focuses on a theme of isolation in small towns, so my current plan is to show how he's isolated from the rest of the town because they don't bother to learn sign language to communicate with him. the other main character, is his best friend, has learned sign language, so he can communicate with her and his dad (there's some other people who know very basic signs but aren't really putting in the effort if that makes sense)

is it better if i acknowledge that living in this very small, isolated town means that he is cut off from Deaf culture (especially compared to when he used to live with his mum) and ergo doesn't really fit into the rest of the town. i want to make it clear that it's on the town for expecting him to assimilate and not use sign language, all because they don't want to learn yk?

any advice in this is appreciated!!!

Hi!

Why doesn't he live with his mom anymore? Is there times he can go back to her and the Deaf community he (presumably) has there?

Also consider when this story is set. If it's modern day, there are so many ways to connect to people online, so he wouldn't be entirely cut off from his community.

The thing about small towns is people will know him, as the Deaf person. Consider what that attitude will be like. Will people be understanding and know, even if they're not willing to learn sign, to get out a pencil and paper for him? Or will the attitude be more condescending, infantilizing, or unwilling to accommodate in any way?

Another thing to consider in small towns is access to accessibility resources. Is he able to get interpreters? Are they qualified? If he can't access qualified interpreters, what accommodations is he being provided?

Community is important, and especially depending on these factors, your character will react differently. If he genuinely cannot connect with anyone else in his town, what are the consequences? Is he depressed? Does he seek out online community? etc.

I'd also like you to consider: why are you isolating your Deaf character? Deafness in a hearing setting on its own can be a huge isolator, without even factoring in the "small town with no other signers" part. Is there a reason he's been separated from his community?

You don't necessarily have to change your story, but there are several more aspects you should consider to figure out exactly how your Deaf character goes through his daily life.

Mod Rock

[andromeda-nova-writing]

Hate at first sight - Alhaitham Requested by @isekyaaa

Contains suggestive lines for the sake of a joke

“Tighnari, You know anyone who could translate this?” She brought over the book to him. It was an old book she found while cleaning up her grandpa’s house. A book in a foreign language that her grandpa had forgotten over the years leaving its contents unknown to his family. “It’s supposed to be an heirloom.”

Tighnari looked over the book she had handed to him. A language that was unrecognizable to him but recognizable in that he had seen one of his friends reading a book in what looked to be a similar language. “I know a guy. If you're free tonight you might have a chance to get it translated or at least be pointed in the right direction.”

“Why tonight?"

“Cyno made a new deck again. Your translator should be there.”

“I forgot you have game nights with the General Mahamatra. I shouldn't take up too much of your time. Well as long as this translater of yours is good at their job.”

“He is. Just know he can be a little blunt. Though little may be an understatement. And with Kaveh there, don't be surprised if you see some sort of argument.”

“You're friends must be a lively bunch. Wait Kaveh is the one with blonde hair right? He was the one who was here two weeks ago?” She asked making sure her memory was correct.

“He was. Why?”

“He gave me advice on what rug I should pick. He didn't even see where it would go and gave me perfect advice. I really would like to thank him. My living room actually feels like a separate room even though it's an open floor plan.”

“I'm sure he'll appreciate it.”

-

It was nice to say hello to Cyno even though she didn’t know that super well. Most of her knowledge came from Tighnari mentioning him. But that and the fact she didn’t talk to him much meant that she really didn’t know him. It was entertaining to hear a few of his jokes though. The juxtaposition of the wordplay with how stoic his delivery was may have been the only reason she enjoyed them though.

While Kaveh acted as if he had known her for their entire lives. He was warm and welcoming. But also the moment she thanked him it was like he became a second sun in the room. He was extremely giving, offering to give her home interior design advice any time. It was evident in his face and how he spoke how much he appreciated the thanks even if it was just over what shape of rug to get.

It was enjoyable to be around all three of them. Though as nice as their company was it wasn't the reason she Had followed Tighnari along to his game night With his friends at the tavern. She still had a book in her bag that needed to be translated and there was no translator in sight.

“Tighinari, are you sure your translator is supposed to be here?”

“I’m sure he’ll show.”

“Translator?” Kaveh asked before his smile evaporated away. “You’re here for Al Haitham?”

“That’s a first,” Cyno commented.

“Well, now my translator has a name. But yes.” She pulled the book out of her bag. “My grandpa said it’s a family heirloom but no one in my family can even read it. Tighnari said that he’d be able to translate it for me.”

“At a horrible cost though. You couldn't have just sent her in the direction of the Akademiya?” Kaveh asked, being quite dramatic about the situation.

“I'd rather have someone that Tighnari trusts than some I don't know who. The book is an heirloom after all.”

“It will be fine,” Tighnari reassured, he pointed at the door. “Even then, he’s here.”

Al Haitham made his way over to their table. He sat down at the table already looking annoyed at who knows what.

Tighnari was kinda enough to briefly explain the situation to him along with a basic introduction. Even though Al Haitham had agreed to translate he looked as if Y/N's simple request was asking too much. Maybe a frown was just permanently etched into his face.

Al Haitham held the book looking over the cover. “To count the ways.” He translated the cover before flipping through the pages. His eyes widen skimming through the contents. He looked over at Y/N who looked brimming with excitement to learn what was in the book. “This is just erotica.”

Cyno slowly placed the cards in his hands on the table now fully paying attention to what was unfolding in front of him. Kaveh choked on his wine only for Tighnari to pat his back as he coughed. 

Y/N’s face dropped. “It's a heirloom. It’s been in my family longer than my grandpa has been alive. It can’t be. You must be mistranslating it.” She reasoned.

“Your heirloom is in an old form of a Fontaine language. A language I’ve been reading since I was 17. Do you want me to translate it aloud for you?” His words were an insult and a challenge to her.

“If you know it so well then could you give me a real translation.”

Al Haitham rolled his eyes opening the book back up. “Her eyes widen at the sight of his toned chest. In a frantic haze of want she quickly moved to help remove his belt excited to see the sight of his-”

Y/N snatched the book from his hands. Her face was warm with embarrassment. “It was nice talking with you three but I have to go.” She politely excused herself from others before turning to face Al Haitham. “You could drown in a ditch for all I care.”

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

So I am AuDHD, and I work part time. (I should also mention I have a generalized anxiety disorder and depression if that helps for context.) I'm already 30 now but I still live with my parents. I don't have or make enough money to move out. I know that if I attempted to work a full time job I'd just be in constant shutdown or burnout, and even if I somehow managed to survive at a job for like a month or so it would all eventually come tumbling down. My dad says I either need to work full time or learn a skill that pays more (I guess going to college? But that costs money too). I just don't know what to do, I've been applying for government aid for years now and they keep saying no. I'm not sure if you or anyone has any words of reassurance or help for this kind of thing, but I figured if anyone would understand it's other people who are autistic/ADHD etc. Idk, thinking about it stresses me out and I feel like I'm trapped no matter what I try to do, like there's no good ending. Sorry for the long ask btw 😅

Hi there,

I would try to work part time first and see where that goes. If it doesn’t go well, you can always go back to school and try to see what skills you’re good at and then search for a job.

This is coming from a person who has never had a job, so I barely know things about employment.

Maybe some of my followers have some tips or advice?

I’m sorry if I couldn’t answer your question. But I appreciate the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[chimkennuggies]

Again with the Raphael x Cazador agenda bc I'm still losing my mind over them‼️‼️‼️

Anyway, thought I'd share some headcanons bellow the cut as well:

- I just KNOW they both have hour long conversations about some play they've seen or book they've read. Their taste is similar in that aspect.

- Raphael knows about Lady Incognita's books (that's canon btw) and mentioned it to Cazador once, who instantly started ranting about how the girl didn't appreciate the "gift" (he doesn't appreciate it either if you think about all that datamined/beta stuff + how much he just wants to be "normal" BUT he is also a hypocrite sooo), also, he used to give advice to her whenever he found one of her drafts.

- In a modern setting Raphael would probably be like those annoying filmbros who doesn't stfu about some niche film they've seen and Cazador would be the same with some celtic metal group that has like 24 monthly listeners (kinda projecting in this one, I'm both).

- They would talk shit about anyone + if they go to some ball together after the first 40 minutes they'll probably end up talking only to each other.

- On the hc that both of them are trans, Cazador hasn't had any operations and isn't on t (although it's not bc he's comfortable in his own body but bc he doesn't want to have anything to do with it, he just prefers to live with an idealized version he made on his head after centuries of not seeing his reflection), Raphael is literally the opposite, he has had all the operations and has been on t since he ran away from Cania, hating the self he left behind.

- Now, some shoutouts to the fact that they're both SO AWFUL, I love them being so so toxic.

- Cazador usually doesn't like being touched and Raphael just thrives on being an asshole so he's always breaking the man's boundaries. PDA in the worst possible way.

- Cazador enjoys to compare Raphael to his father because he finds it extremely entertaining the fact that he takes it at heart and gets so offended by it (he knows how much the other has suffered because of his progenitor).

- Cazador having scars on his body from before being a vampire and Raphael biting them‼️‼️

-Raphael listening to Cazador talking shit about all of Raphael's features he despises just to make him even more insecure (let's be real, Raphael is SO fucking self-conscious, because there's no way all his paintings and Haarlep themself being so completely different to his real self is a normal trait).

- Both of them being prone to violence and fighting for every minor disagreement would make them the worst neighbors possible ngl.

- Raphael having the lower canines really really sharp while Cazador has the cuspid canines being almost razor-edged, iykyk.

Lastly, here are some songs I associate w/ them because I haven't seen any playlist include these:

Cazador:

Rule #34 - Fish in a Birdcage

Femtex - Therapy?

Never Wanted to Dance - MSI

Under the Spell - Me And That Man

Heel On The Shovel - 16 Horsepower

Raphael:

The Hell Of It - Paul Williams

Low Estate - 16 Horsepower

Nunemaker's Parable - Everybody's Worried About Owen

You're So Vain - Carly Simon

Bensonhurst Blues - Oscar Benton

An this one is just bc I find it quite funny but Mi Gran Noche from Raphael (the spanish singer) is quite iconic ngl.

[bbsmuts]

Monday of Appreciation #1: July 22, 2024

Welcome to my version of Smite's Monday of Appreciation, wherein I'll name a few of the users who I have appreciated since I got on here, so about 2 and a half years. I'll probably do one of these every few months.

#1: @ggidolsmuts

Ah, Ddeun. One of Tumblr's more underrated users, in my opinion. First-class writing and support for me in the earlier (and current) days of my career. I'll never forget the first of yours I read, which was your Fromis App work on Yiren. In fact, reading this and some of your others were what lead me to write for Tumblr in the first place, which is why you place at #1. I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for you.

#2: @xiaoondc

I think it was your Momo ask that really got me noticed, since after that I went from about 50 followers to about 500 in a month. Field Trip was REALLY what got me noticed, which brought me more spotlight. Really, I'd be nowhere without your initial noticing of me. You've been a loyal supporter and advisor who's pitched several good smuts, a few of which are coming soon. And by soon, I mean in 2050. So you are a second crucial role in how I got to where I am. I also appreciate that I can go to you for assistance, advice, or just for moral support at any time.

#3: @aurorororaaa

You were my first follower. Maybe you thought I'd forget you, but I didn't. Thank you.

#4: @jazi1234

You were the first to give a like on my first ever post. Thank you.

#5: @fukurofanfics

You've been a fantastic friend my entire life, as well as being a loyal supporter of my account. Couldn't appreciate you more, man.

#6: @co-reborn

Wrote two of the best Yiren smuts I've ever read, as well as several other fantastic ones.

#7: @idolsgeneration

Somehow finds time to post pictures of my favorite idols like every 10 minutes, and a couple of those posts inspired smuts, either ones I've posted or ones in progress. And some for a long time in the future.

#8: @fillinforlater

Another one of the first writers I discovered on Tumblr, and the one responsible for many a fantastic fic. Also the one who inspired this post.

#9: @sinswithpleasure

Bucket List 5, an incredible Nayeon smut and one of the first I read after some of Ddeun's. Also someone who inspired me to start writing my ideas myself.

#10: @banananutsmuthie

Idol Club was just amazing, and the lore that came with it. Also someone who inspired me to write.

#11: @smuttysabina / @dailysabinasmuts

Phenomenal short fics every day of the week, as well as several longer works which are just as good. I really like your work on Everglow, we need more.

#12: @capslocked

Insanely long fics (it's like 30k works a smut, I swear 💀), but insanely good fics. Yet another who inspired me to write.

#13: @lustspren

Supreme writing, which has inspired the sentence structure and usage of words in some of my work. Was also the author of the first smut I gave a like to, for what that's worth.

#13: @byunrosehajoon

You're my fiancée and soon-to-be wife in about 12 hours. Love you babe.

______________________________________________________________

If anyone feels like they should have been on here, give me a shout and you might be on the next one.

All the best -상훈

[matchakuracat]

chronically ill/physically disabled people, how do you deal with doctors appointments? what do you say/do to advocate for yourself? im autistic and not diagnosed with a chronic illness yet and i really struggle to know what to say to get them to listen to me and understand so that i can get the help and care i need. even if i bring someone with me, they also need to know what to say and i don't know anyone who understands well enough to explain to the doctor for me, which means that i have to tell them what to say before going. but that's the problem since i just don't know.

i have chronic joint pain that ive had for years but has only gotten worse over time. i also have hypermobile knees which are the worse they've ever been right now. i'm chronically fatigued and barely have the energy to eat and do basic hygiene. i have a few friends that i talk to fairly regularly and im very thankful for them but i still struggle so much with maintaining a social life when i cant even maintain my own physical wellbeing. i only go outside when i absolutely have to/when my pain is low enough and i have enough energy. on average i probably leave my house about once or twice a week, usually to go to medical appointments, to an internship i have once a week or to go grocery shopping. i usually try to do both at the same time if i can (like going grocery shopping after my internship) but most of the time i have to ask my parents to get me groceries since i dont have enough energy to. all i want is to be able to go outside just to take short walks and enjoy nature and the fresh air but i can't do so without the right treatment/a mobility aid. everything im doing right now is bordering the line of too much. im constantly tired and overwhelmed and everything feels like a struggle, even the smallest tasks most people do everyday without thinking twice about it.

i have almost only had bad experiences with doctors and other medical professionals like physiotherapists, which has given me a lot of extra anxiety on top of my already pretty bad social anxiety. i really struggle to make appointments and even more so to go to them, and when i bring myself to do so i really struggle to express myself and explain how i feel and how i want them to help me. i almost always get shut down and offered no actual help with any of my problems. i just don't know what to do anymore.

if anyone has any advice i'd really appreciate it. i know that i can't give up because my life right now without accommodations is too miserable, but i also don't know how to move forward.

sorry if this was hard to understand. i really tried my best to explain but im having a bit of a hard time expressing myself right now due to feeling worse than usual.

[skeletons-and-spiders]

Hello there. First, I would like to preface this with the fact that I, 19F, know very little about Therian's or the terminology, so do forgive me if I accidentally offend anyone.

So I first came across the term Therian roughly around late June of 2024. I will admit I was confused about it and first believed it was typical kids going through the whole pretending to be animals while playing phase. But then I started to get recommended videos of Therian TikTok compilations. I decided to watch one just out of curiosity, and I was rather taken aback with how deep it really is. I forgot about it for a while until November. Since then I have done some more research, and now comes my question as to whether I may be a Therian myself.

I saw most videos said to find what your animal is, is that the right term, before anything else, so I first focused on that. I think I may be a wolf. They have always been one of my favourite animals, and as a kid, I used to imagine a world where I was able to transform into a white wolf with a blue streak. I still do sometimes. Also, as a really young kid, like 5 to 7, I used to pretend to be a cat a lot, where I would meow and crawl on the ground. Plus, I am queer, and my gender is a demigirl, something that falls under the nonbinary umbrella, so I've always had a weird relationship with my body in a way. Plus, I am kind of chubby, and I've always been insecure about that.

Now come the reasons I am not sure if I am a Therian.

To start with, I am perfectly fine with being seen as a human, and I still feel like a human and feel fine with that.I also refer to myself as a human and sometimes forget that I think I'm a wolf. I bring this up as all the videos I have watched all mention feeling fully like their animal and hating being seen as human and not feeling human at all. The second thing is I am not sure if a wolf really is my animal. I've seen a lot of people saying they knew that they'd found what animal they were by having dreams or shifts or other things. I have none of those. I've never had memories of past lives or shifts or anything really. Another is how I chose my animal rather quickly. I was In the stockroom of the bookshop I work at, a volunteering job, I was running through different animals by mumbling to myself to see what felt right, like "I'm a cat," "I'm a possum," etc., and when I said, "I'm a wolf," it kind of felt different. But I'm not sure if that's because I am a wolf inside or because I have a lot of verbal stims, and certain words just feel nice to say. 

I do, however, relate to the parts of videos that say most Therians have always felt different. I have, but that may just be due to how I'm autistic and was bullied a lot as a kid until I was like 17. And I am able to imagine myself with wolf ears and a tail, but they aren't like phantom limbs like I've seen other Therians refer to them as due to me not being able to feel any weight or feel them get in my way like, again, I have seen other Therians mention and complain about. 

I have seen mentions of otherkin and alterhuman, but I must admit I find those a tad complicated and am far more unfamiliar with them than Therians.

So yeah. I really would appreciate any advice or tips or anything really to help me figure this out. Has anyone else felt this way before everything "clicked" for them? Am I a therian, or am I just weird and faking it? I'd be more than happy to mention anything else that may help or anything I've forgotten to mention at this current time.

[cy-cyborg]

I assume this is an autism thing, but why is it so hard for people to understand pain is not the biggest problem for me when medical issues come up, sensation and sensory overwhelm is.

Possibly tmi but im at the point where i dont really care anymore lol, right now I'm dealing with a really bad, chronic uti that just will not go away, no matter what anyone does, and this thing has been making my life a living hell for the last month or so. It's not painful, or well, it is, but that's not the most unpleasant effect I need help with. It's the sensations it brings. The tactile sensation of being incontinent, of feeling like I'm busting 24/7 - so much so it's stopping me from being able to sleep most nights - the fact that both these things are so ever-present that I can't concentrate on anything else. I can't do the things I enjoy like writing and drawing because my brain can not filter it out enough to focus, and it's my body, so I can't escape it like I could with an unpleasant sound or smell.

But everyone I've spoken to about it is under the impression that the pain is what needs managing, the pain is whats causing me to be so upset and not be able to concentrate or sleep, even when i say, point-blank, thats not the case. My doctor, the emergency staff who first diagnosed it (i was instructed to go there due to concerns about my kidneys), my mum and dad, my sister, even my partner, initially, though he understands now. But I've told every single one of these people that it's not pain, it's the sensory overload thats causing the problems, and they just... don't get it. Ive tried being as blunt as I can (and considering i have no energy to mask, ive been very blunt), and it just, doesn't seem to compute with anyone. My doctor is trying to help, but his only solution is pain meds until the antibiotics runs their course, which don't help because it's not pain (and yes, i tried it anyway). The emergency doctors did the same. My mum and dad keep suggesting pain management skills they were taught when I was a kid, mum is also suggesting things that make things like the burning part of UTIs less painful, my sister doesn't really have any advice but she keeps asking me about my pain too when she checks in. I appreciate the attempts and all

But it's not pain.

The only one who did get it right away was my psychologist, but she's not the kind of doctor that can really help with this, outside of giving me suggestions for coping mechanisms and how to redirect stimming/meltdowns to be less destructive or harmful. Which is great and I did need that, but I'd really like to not be having the meltdowns in the first place.

This isn't the first time this has been an issue either, but it has been the worst/longest time. I just don't know how to get it across to people that the pain is not my main problem. I know how to manage pain and make it less intense/more bearable (my whole lower body is covered in skin grafts and I've had several amputations, I have a lot of experience with it), but just because it's not pain doesn't mean its not debilitating and seriously impacting my quality of life. And because it just won't go away (i highly suspect it has become antibiotic resistant), I have no idea when this will all end, which makes it all the more worse.