#also if anybody has any better ideas for the title or would like to suggest anything for the fanfic feel free to comment

[invisible-slytherclaw]

First Impressions (Working chapter title)

Hi, this is the first chapter of a fanfiction that I will be posting to Ao3. This chapter has already been posted on there and I am currently not planning on posting all of my full chapters onto here so if you do like this then you can find it on my Ao3 @ invisible_slytherclaw under the title "Hogwarts with the Marauders"

This is a first draft and has only been read by me so apologies for any mistakes.

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"GRYFFINDOR!"

I sat on the stall, unable to move for what felt like hours. Honestly, I was just glad that it wasn't Slytherin. I'd had the misfortune of bumping into some of them on the train and well... at least the wonderful red haired girl who helped me is in my house. Lily Evans I believe her name was. It was so kind of her to offer me to sit with her for the rest of the ride

She waved at me from the table and motioned to the empty space next to her. My feet and legs had gravitated my body towards her before my brain could tell me to. 

"Isn't it great that we're in the same house? I'm glad there's at least someone I know in my house. Severus said there's no way he'd be in any house but Slytherin. I was so worried I was going to be all alone, you know?"

"I guess we're in the same boat."

"Yeah, we are." Her dark red hair swayed as she nearly jumped out of her seat, eyes glistening with an idea, "I know! Let's make a promise, no matter the friendship groups we end up forming or wherever we end up in life, if we ever feel lonely or need a talk we go to each other."

"Okay, I promise."

Lily held out her right pinkie finger, "Not just promise, pinky promise."

I curled my pinkie finger around hers and nodded.

***

In the common room, they had created some sort of party to help some of the first years get to know each other and the older students. Lily and I agreed that we'd use this opportunity to split off and meet as many people as possible. That way, if one of us managed to make any more friends, we could introduce them to the other. Whilst she went off to talk to a group of girls in the corner, I managed to find a boy huddled in one of the chairs reading a book. His light brown hair curled at the end, almost covering the scars on his face. 

"Hi."

He looked up, his brown eyes staring into mine, "...Hi."

"What book are you reading?"

"Oh, just the charms book. Trying to get ahead on reading whilst I can for when- in case I fall ill or something."

"Sounds like a smart plan."

"Thanks. I'm Remus. Remus Lupin."

He extended his hand for me to shake. It also had many scars, but this did not deter me from taking him up on his welcome.

"Emelia. Emelia Leto."

He seemed to freeze for a second - shocked at the fact that I took his hand with no hesitation.

"You're not afraid of my scars?"

"No. Why would I?"

"Everybody else does."

"Oh."

"Can I have your attention everyone?" 

A boy with messy black hair and glasses stood on the table addressing the room. Another boy stood next to him, his hair was shorter and neater, his cheekbones lookeed so sharp that one could possibly believe that they could cut through glass. They waited for everyone to turn their attention towards them.

"I, James Potter-"

"And I, Sirius Black-"

There were whispers at the announcement of the second boy's last name, though not as many as there were during the sorting ceremony. However the boys moved on with their speech, somewhat undeterred by the hushes breaking the silent attention. 

"Declare that we will become Hogwarts' greatest pranksters of all time!"

The silence was almost defeaning. It was like they were expecting a round of applause. I looked at Remus as he rolled his eyes and I couldn't help but join him, letting out a soft giggle. 

The second boy - Sirius - spoke again, "And we'll be starting... NOW!"

The next thing anybody knew, there were dungbombs all over the room. Everybody ran up the stairs towards their dorms, trying to escape the stench as quickly as possible. I waved a quick goodbye to Remus before joining the rest of the crowd. 

***

It was pleasing to discover that I would be sharing a dorm with Lily. Lily had also been able to meet our other two roomates in the common room before the abrupt ending of it. All of us agreed that it was so luckily that we all ended up with lovely roomates and sighed in relief at the knowledge of the fact that there wouldn't be any problems with our arrangement. 

I ended up taking the bed on the far end of the dorm. Lily took the one next to me. Next to Lily's was Marlene McKinnon. She had long blonde curly hair, and blue eyes that seemed to have a mischevious sparkle. She was also the tallest of all of us (although not by much). 

Finally, there was Dorcas Meadows. She took the bed nearest the door because she said she was generally an early riser and thought it would be best that she was the closest to the exit so as not to disturb anyone when she would leave early in the morning. Dorcas was thin and dark skinned with braided brown hair that went down to her shoulders. 

We all spent what felt like hours getting to know eachother before we bid goodnight, all wanting to get plenty of sleep for the first day of our education at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

[voltage-vixen]

Hello again!

I was referring to the Top 20 event: For me, they don’t even qualify as stories. They’re about the same length (maybe a little longer) as a birthday message. Sure, you may get what you pay for, since each pull costs 10 hearts. But then, considering the fact people have spent so much money on the election, it looks like Voltage just wanted to get this pledge out of the way.

I remember back in 2019, prior to the app redesign in September, they put out a survey about a new UI and included screenshots from the JP app. Yet despite the general consensus being that the redesign was hideous, Voltage still went through with it!

Don’t get the wrong idea - I certainly do not hate Voltage and I am more than grateful for what they put out, but I wish they were more transparent with players and actually took our feedback into consideration. There’s plenty of other issues that I could delve into but I’d be stuck here for ages so I would rather not discuss them at this moment.

Happy New Year!

I'm sorry for the delay in responding back, but I finally got around to reading through them this morning....maybe skimming is the more appropriate phrase. It's not that they were bad by any means and some were quite cute, but they did seem to fall more on the anticlimactic side in my opinion given the circumstance that these characters did manage to beat out the rest of the lineup which is quite extensive when you put it into perspective.

I'm still bitter about the change in layout within the app. I didn't know anyone who thought that design was better. Maybe this is a me thing, but I still sometimes struggle to find stories. I've recently been on this kick where I've been going back to reread some of the older titles, and navigating through the app is such a painful experience I'm not a youngin' anymore though so again it's possible it's a me thing😅.

I understand where you are coming from. Voltage will always hold a special place in my heart, but there is room for improvement. And as someone who wholeheartedly supports many of their apps, I say that coming from a place of love. It's difficult because for the longest times I've had both of the memberships in the L365 app, and recently it's been difficult to justify continuing the both of them. I am grateful for everything they have provided us thus far, but there have been very noticeable differences in the app in the current times. Between the much slower pace of releasing newer content, to some of the prizes from campaigns/elections/vip events falling a bit on the lackluster side, it had led to some disappointment. One thing I've noticed is that at least in L365, their customer service has seem to always fallen on the less than ideal side compared to some of the other games I frequent.

I also hope this doesn't offend anybody, because with all that being said, I do love Voltage and I am beyond grateful for all that they have done in terms of their creation of characters and stories. There's something so nostalgic about the some of the original titles that initially captured our attention and drew us in. On a personal front, their games introduced me to the online fandom community and put me in touch with some incredible people that I was fortunate enough to find friends in.

Ideally I would love to see Voltage continue to delve out new content, while being more open-minded to taking into consideration the suggestions that responses that they do solicit when they put out their surveys. I completely understand that at the end of the day they reserve the right to make the decisions for their business, but on that same note it's also kind of infuriating when they are the ones who do solicit the feedback only not to really listen to it. Be it about the popularity of older titles that were discontinued, the app layout, ect.

I don't mean to be negative either, because I do genuinely love the app on an overall basis. I'm just hoping that in the future Voltage changes their perspective on the feedback from their fanbase.

Thanks for sending this in by the way. It's difficult to know if you are the only one feeling in the void, or if there are others out there. 💖

My ask box is always open to you!

[startanewdream]

Written for @efkgirldetective's Summer of Jily Prompt #7 (Ice cream + "I don't want anybody else touching you like I do).

Tumblr exclusive at the moment because I don't have a title and the 'happy ending' part of the 'angst with a happy ending' was lost somewhere.

Rated M.

I will love to hear your thoughts about this!

_______________

I.

She is at the end of her round, going towards his cabin—her friends’ cabin, though Lily knows exactly who she is hoping to meet there—when she hears it.

‘—and Potter, what a waste. He won’t ever join him.’

‘We should just wipe him away. Blood traitor, muggle lover—’

‘You mean mudblood lover, Severus?’ Avery’s voice is tinted with malice and there are snickers around. ‘Potter and Evans seem pretty close nowadays. Do you think she gives him everything she denied you?’

‘I would never filth myself,’ comes Snape’s cold reply. ‘If he is tainting his blood, all the worse for him.’

Taint his blood. Is this what Lily’s presence does to James? Is she putting him in a danger he didn’t need to be just by being closer to him?

It’s Snape’s words and she shouldn’t listen to him—the days where she would hear him, would admire him, are long gone—but when she finally reaches the cabin (when James grins at the sight of her, bright and warm, and her heart skips a beat and Lily has to smile back), she sits away from James.

‘Anything wrong?’ he asks, familiar enough to read the tension on her face.

‘No, all normal,’ Lily says, and it’s the first lie.

______

II.

It’s summer and everyone is out of age now and apparating makes things so easy that Lily finds herself less and less at home during that break.

She tells herself it’s because she is avoiding the presence of her sister’s annoying fiance; she blames the fact that Dorcas has a beach house and it’s so much better spending days swimming and tanning; she even goes introspective to blame the pressure of the war looming over them in a way that means she needs to enjoy the last summer break before real life gets them.

But she knows the reason is James.

She finds herself gravitating towards him, unable to resist that attraction even as she knows how dangerous it is for him. Once or twice Lily thinks of telling him about it, of warning how he is stupidly raising his stakes by being near her, but she gives up only for the fact that this (might drive him away and she doesn't want it, not really) would probably just make him want to be even closer to her.

And they are already alarmingly close.

Once Lily would have been repulsed by that idea, but one year later everything has changed—James has changed—and everything about him appeals to her. The way he cares for everyone around him. The way he smiles patiently whenever he is explaining something. The way he grins as if to invite the world to share a great funny joke with him. How he runs his hand through his hair when he’s nervous. How he is so expansive that he seems to occupy any room he is in. How he loves flying, even more than Quidditch, and how relaxed he seems when he is on a broom. How he talks to her, taking it seriously when she needs to and making a joke when things get too serious. How he opens up about his own life and doubts and listens to her.

That would make them friends, really good friends, but then Lily’s heart would not stop racing when he’d touched her hand, or when their knees would bump while sitting closely in the library and then she was forced to note all the physical aspects—the muscles of his arms, the shape of full lips, the line of his jaw, the hazel kaleidoscope of his eyes and how fit he was—and give up any belief her feelings were limited to a friendship.

She fancies him, okay.

Except it’s not okay, because it’s dangerous and by now Lily is positive that James knows it too. Everyone knows it.

They end up together, just the two of them, a lot during that summer. It takes Lily a few days to realize it’s not a coincidence that her interests never align with those of her friends—if she wants to swim, somehow it’s only her and James in the sea; at night, even though it’s still so warm, they are the only ones who venture into the pool for a midnight swim, while the others stay stubbornly indoors.

When Lily suggests going to town to grab an ice cream, somehow James is the only one who is in the mood for it, despite the heat.

It’s not on purpose from his part—at least that’s how Lily sees it—but he isn’t refusing her company either and neither is she refusing his, so James’ boldness flourishes that summer. It’s not cocky as it once would be, it’s just a quiet acceptance that something is finally happening between them as if he never stopped believing it would be possible. Lily feels it when he throws his arm around her shoulders when they are sitting close, almost absently, almost not noticing when Lily lays her head over his shoulder; it’s there when he openly gawks the first time he sees her in a swimming suit, only to be nudged in the ribs by Sirius and then complimenting her ('good thing you wear robes at school, Evans, or there wouldn’t be much schoolwork done'). It’s definitely there when he intertwines their hands, pulling her to the sea with him.

And it’s there when they are sitting closer than they would need for a bench so wide, watching seagulls flying over the sea, each one holding an ice cream.

‘Chocolate chips with chocolate cover and chocolate sprinkles,’ James teases. ‘I think you have an addiction, Lily.’

‘Guilty,’ she replies, not ashamed at all, proving her ice cream and very aware of how James is staring at her. ‘It’s better than asking for vanilla ice cream.’

‘Hey!’ He would look deeply offended if not for the grin on his lips. ‘I’ll let you know vanilla is the best flavour.’

‘Never took you for a vanilla guy, James.’

‘What would take me for? The adventurous gorgeous type?’

Lily laughs, but she doesn’t answer. She doesn’t want to lie to him and deny it.

‘Attractive mysterious type, then?’ he insists. ‘Handsome scoundrel?’

‘I notice your beauty is enhanced a lot.’

‘My beauty? So you admit that I’m beautiful, Evans?’

‘Do I need to? You seem to already know it.’

‘I enjoy hearing you saying all the same,’ he says, and though James shrugs easily she can sense the shift in his eyes, the nervous glint there. ‘That means we would make a beautiful couple.’

‘We would,’ she whispers, still not wanting to lie.

She turns back her attention to the ice cream, already melting under the scorching sun. It makes a mess, and James laughs as she tries to lick the ice cream out of her hands, but then his laugh dies and she watches him swallow slowly, reacting. He always reacts to her.

She licks her lips now, and he also watches this movement, the grin on his face replaced by concentration—no, determination, a fierce look and Lily knows what James will do even before he raises his hand to slide his thumb at the corner of her mouth.

‘You missed here,’ he says, and though he must have wiped off the ice cream already, his caress remains.

His eyes are dark now, even under the sunlight, and he registers how Lily hasn’t stepped back, how she raises her head just the slightest to get closer to him. His gaze strays to her lips, Lily blinks, and then James looks back at her.

‘Lily,’ he says, and it’s a question.

‘James,’ she says, and it’s the only answer she can give him.

His lips find hers and in the bright darkness that surrounds Lily when she closes her eyes, she can see everything in colour. The white of his taste of vanilla. The green of his perfume that reminds her of early mourning in the woods. The brown of his skin as he pulls her closer, one hand holding the back of her neck and the other hand finding hers, locking their fingers together. The red of her blood pumping furiously through her veins, so loud and unstoppable.

And she sees him, messy dark hair, hazel bright eyes, her own sun.

But when they break apart, when she watches him keeping his eyes closed a second longer—savouring it, remembering it—, all that comes to her mind it’s the warning.

Taint his blood.

Her smile falters.

‘James,’ she whispers, all warmth of the day gone, hating everything but herself so much more when he opens his eyes and they are filled with hope. ‘This doesn’t mean anything.’

And this is the second lie she tells him.

___________

III.

Summer is over as far as Lily is concerned, but they still have two weeks in which she forces a smile up to her lips that doesn’t fool anyone.

Everyone knows something happened, though no one knows exactly what, and Lily feels too tired to pretend everything is normal. James barely acknowledges her when they are in the same room, and in the few occasions their eyes meet, there is nothing of that familiarity that he once thrived to share with her. He looks confused and hurt.

Lily could deal with the confusion but she is powerless against the hurt. She is the one who damaged him after all.

Their friends are mostly adamant in letting them deal with the situation, one notable exception being Sirius Black, but Lily didn’t expect anything less from him. He watches her rather resentfully in the first days, and Lily starts looking for excuses to avoid attending the events she had carefully arranged with them (with James, sitting by the edge of the lake, holding a scroll against his back as they wrote everything they would do, laughing and planning and hoping).

The summer days are hot, unbearably hot, and the breeze that comes through the window of her room isn’t enough. She could cast a Cooling Charm, but her wand is far away and the fact that she can cast spells outside school has lost its appeal now. She doesn't even celebrate when her school letter comes with a badge attached to it.

Most of the time Lily just stares at the ceiling of her room, finding patterns in the painting that aren’t really there, too strained and too tired to avoid being even more strained—her mind keeps replaying the moment James leaned closer, the brief moment his breath tingled her skin and the softness of his lips over hers, and Lily has no strength to avoid it. She is addicted to it, to the one thing she had a taste of and cannot have again.

Five days into hiding (she is hiding, Lily won’t deny it), her sister knocks on her door to tell her unceremoniously that one of her freak friends has come to visit her.

‘Hurry, I don’t want Vernon finding him when he arrives,’ Petunia tells her, and Lily ignores her completely.

Him, she said. Him, Lily thinks, and her mind conjures James sitting on the couch of her parents’ living room, a grin on his lips as he charms his way with her parents (he charmed her, Lily doesn’t see what challenge her parents would present), accepting a cup of tea and looking around trying to understand all the muggle contraptions in that muggle house—

Muggle lover. All the worse for him.

She rushes downstairs, her heart pounding on her head, her mouth dry with the excuses she will have to present (go away, just go away) but it’s not James after all.

Sirius looks even more out of place than the James she imagined inside her head, standing with his arms crossed in that pastel living room, and with an unhappy grimace on his lips. He turns at the sound of her, his grey eyes burning disapprovingly—and then, as he stares at her, his expression shifts.

‘You are a mess, Evans.’

Self-consciousness washes over her, and Lily runs her hand through her hair—or tries to, because it gets stuck in the knots of her messy braid. She knows she hasn’t changed clothes ever since she woke up, though it’s nearly midday, so she does the only thing she can: she presses her lips, crosses her arms and tries to look unfazed.

‘I wasn’t expecting a visit,’ she says. It’s summer break, she can do nothing all day.

‘I didn’t even mean your appearance. It was more your… aura.’

‘Aura,’ she repeats, a tiny part of her finding this amusing, but Lily can’t muster strength enough to break a smile. ‘Very mystical, Sirius.’

‘That’s me, master of occult arts. But in this case, I just needed to look at you. You—you look miserable.’

‘Thanks. If that’s all you wanted to say—’

‘Oh, no, I came here to give you a piece of my mind about how you broke my best friend’s heart, but you look somehow worse than him. What’s going on?’

Lily shrugs. ‘Nothing.’

‘So you just decided to play with his feelings and ditch him the moment he corresponded?’

His words are a poison that crawls through her skin, entering it slowly but certain; Lily feels it reaching her bloodstream, spreading through every part of her body, until the poison finds her heart. She thought she was oblivious to pain after the last days, but she was wrong.

‘I wasn’t playing with his feelings,’ she whispers, her voice hoarse, so close to breaking.

‘Then what? I thought—everyone thought—you fancied him too. Merlin, Evans, that boy was in love with you.’

The worst part is that Lily knows it. It was not a play to James, it never was. She saw it in the way his face lighted up at the sight of her, how eager he was to become friends once Lily first extended her peace flag. She saw how his eyes always looked first for her in any room he entered, how he’d find any reason to stay closer.

And she saw everything because she was paying attention.

Of course she was. One does not fall in love also if not paying attention.

‘I don’t know what to say, Sirius,’ Lily says truthfully. ‘I am sorry for all the confusion I’ve caused.’

‘Sorry is not enough.’

‘I know.’

Sirius watches her with something that borders on disappointment now. ‘You better find a way of fixing this, Evans.’

‘I—I don’t know how. I’m trying to keep my distance—’

‘And how is that helping you two?’

It’s not, Lily knows, and that’s the point. She can’t explain to James what is the problem and she is afraid that if she sees him again, if her determination falters her for one second—

‘We are going to have a party tomorrow night,’ Sirius says, his voice leaving no room for argument. ‘Dorcas’ house. It’s a goodbye party, we even invited the muggle neighbours. You’ll come, you’ll find James and you’ll talk. Fix this.’

‘I can’t.’

‘You better find a way, Evans, because that thing of keeping your distance? Well, Hogwarts letter came yesterday. Let me guess, you are Head Girl.’

Lily nods, not understanding where Sirius is heading with this.

‘Guess who’s Head Boy this year?’

____________

Lily hears the music as soon as she disapparates near Dorcas’ house. People, young people around her age, are walking towards the house and she joins the flow letting herself get lost in that stream of people, hoping it’s enough to not draw attention to her presence.

It’s useless. As soon as she crosses the doorway, Dorcas cries for her, her voice louder than the music, and then people look at her curiously.

‘Merlin, Lily!’ Dorcas cries, ignoring everyone in the room to whom that sentence makes no sense. ‘I thought I would need to invade the Prefect’s Cabin to see you again.’

‘Sorry, sorry,’ Lily says, accepting Dorcas’ hug, and using it as an excuse to avoid looking around. ‘I had stuff to do.’

It’s vague, it’s almost a lie, and Dorcas is on the edge of discussing it when Lily says she is going to get a drink, leaving the room.

When she reaches the kitchen, Lily considers that having herself questioned by Dorcas was preferable, because of course she runs into James at the first opportunity.

And of course he already has a company.

He is with his back to her, holding a bottle of beer in his hand while he talks with a pretty dark-haired girl. In another time Lily would find amusing how James obviously has no idea what he’s talking about—muggle rock bands, a subject that Sirius would fare better—, but she can’t break a smile right now, because she sees that James is trying.

That’s what he is doing with that unknown girl. He is making a real effort to keep a conversation, trying to understand what she is saying; he is trying to look interesting, to gather her attention.

Ten days, she thinks selfishly. We kissed ten days ago and I can’t stop thinking about it and you are flirting with another girl.

He must sense her staring; he turns around, and his eyes find her for a brief second before Lily bolts through the door (she is running, and she won’t deny it), grabbing the first bottle she sees on her way out.

Sirius must have lied to her (you broke my best friend’s heart), because James looks normal. Not hurt anymore, just… normal. Not like he used to like her in those first glorious days of the summer—bright and hopeful and awaiting—but as if she is just anyone else. Ordinary.

It’s fair, all things considered. She couldn’t expect him to remain in love with the girl who kissed him then rejected him. But she sees it, clearly as day, what the future holds: James will move on whatever he feels for her (that boy was in love with you) and then he will do with someone else everything he used to do with her—that inviting grins, the glint in his eyes, throwing his arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer, so… intimate. Familiar. Hers.

He will share with others what used to be hers.

She leaves the house, in search of a quiet place at the beach to sit on, and looks at the bottle in her hands. Wine. Not good. She will take forever to get drunk on wine and afterwards the headache won’t even be worth it.

But it’s all she has and James is somewhere in that house flirting with a girl (that’s not her) that didn’t reject him and he has every right to do it. Even if it’s a muggle girl. Even if the reason Lily is not with him is that she is muggleborn.

It’s ironic and it’s sad, but it’s not the same. This is a one-night thing. It’s the end of the summer, he’s probably just looking for the last bit of carefree summer adventure as the single guy he is. They will just dance with each other, close together, enjoying their freedom, finding a secluded room, and he will touch the corner of her lips, asking, and she will say yes because that’s the only answer she can give him.

It won’t mean anything, but this time it will be true and this time James won’t get hurt by it.

Maybe Lily should do the same. Not to get even, but to start her own way forward. She can’t be harbouring her feelings for him—wasn’t that the point of not advancing things? Wasn’t that why she lied to him? (That kiss had meant everything)

She takes a sip of the wine, then another and one more for good measure, and she rises, almost colliding with him. Of course.

‘Hey,’ he says awkwardly, arms extended to steady her. It lasts less than a second, but his hands over her arms burn all the same, stronger than the heat any day of that summer.

‘Hi.’

He is looking at a point over her head, unable to meet her eyes, his hand lifting the hair at the back of his head and Lily remembers running her fingers through the strands of his hair while they were kissing, enjoying the fact that for once she was the one messing it.

‘Look, I’m just gonna say it, okay?’ James says in a rush, not as when he is excitedly talking about something he finds interesting. ‘I’m sorry for—for everything.’

Everything. What does it mean?

‘I am too,’ she answers carefully. He takes a deep breath.

‘I heard we are going to be Heads this year—I don’t know what Dumbledore was thinking, really—and I don’t want things to be weird between us.’

Weird. Things were never weird between them before. They weren’t friends, then Lily barely stood him, then they were acquaintances, then they were friends, then they were flirting with each other and then they were so close to something.

But never weird.

Somehow this notion helps to clear the fog in her head.

‘I don’t want it either,’ Lily says, and there is no doubt in her voice. James seems to breathe again with her words.

‘Good.’ There is a moment of silence. ‘Can we forget everything and go back to being just friends?’

Lily steels herself. She takes a look at James’ face—his eyes are on her forehead now, almost meeting her eyes but not yet ready—, one last look to admire him in the darkness of the beach and she is not lying when she says: ‘We can.’

By the end of the night it will be a lie, though, and that’s number three.

___________

They are trying and because no one tries better than James Potter, they are almost achieving it.

They go back to the house, keeping a safe distance between them so no one could misinterpret it, but whatever their friends see in their faces seems to relax everyone. Lily and James are fine, they believe, they are over that weird thing between them, and Lily starts believing it too.

She can do it.

A bottle of gin finds its way towards her group and the music is exciting. It’s a party, she is on a party, and it’s easy to join Dorcas in the middle of a dance, and it’s even easier when Dorcas is replaced by a cute muggle boy who doesn’t look anything like James (that’s why it’s easier—it takes only one second for her to look for any similarity and find none and it’s so easy).

She wonders if that’s why James was talking to that dark-haired girl. If he was avoiding finding Lily in someone else too.

But that’s a bad thought, it’s not a thought of someone who’s trying (and Lily is, she swears), so she accepts his arms, let who-knows-his-name twirl her around the room, but when he leans in to kiss her, she laughs and diverts—she is trying, but it takes small steps, so she says something about getting another drink and goes to the next room.

That’s a mistake.

A big, big mistake.

She finds them sitting close together on a couch that should only fit one, joining some silly drinking game. His arm is around her shoulders, holding a glass that’s nearly finished; they are laughing and as Lily watches it, the girl leans closer to speak something in his ear, her hand playing with the curls of his hair as she speaks. It takes a full second, but he grins, turning to her and winking.

It could be nothing, it could be just some joke, but it’s not harmless, Lily knows it. It’s a flirt, and James has every right to do it; he is free and Lily has just told him they can be friends. Friends don’t get jealous. Friends don’t get their hearts ripped out with the sight of the other smiling happily at someone else.

Lily can’t do it at all.

So she turns away and runs once more (she’s getting quite good at it by now), sprinting upstairs in search of an empty room, somewhere where she can rest until she can breathe again, until she can rearrange her expression into something normal enough for her to come back to the party, find that blond guy who is not James and enjoy her summer break as he is doing right now.

Until she can pretend everything is normal.

‘Lily?’

His voice breaks the silence of that room—though Lily knows she would have heard it anyway—and it sends a wave of panic through her body. She is not ready. She can’t look at him and still keep her promise.

James doesn’t know about her troubles—he is trying after all, and he is so much better at this than Lily will ever be—so he walks towards her, takes a look at her face and kneels in front of her.

‘Are you okay?’

‘No,’ she says, unable to lie. He would see through her anyway.

‘I saw you leaving—what happened?’

‘I need more time. I can’t...’

‘Can’t what?’ She doesn’t answer. James sighs. ‘Are you drunk? Come on, rest a little, I will bring you some water—’

‘I’m not drunk,’ Lily says. Another truth. ‘I just need—I want—’

‘What?’

In answer, she raises her hand and lets her fingers comb his hair. He shivers, his breath catching, his eyes widening and he holds her arm to stop the movement. Nervous. Insecure. She can’t fault him. They’ve been there before, at the edge of something, and she accepted only to turn him away a second later.

‘What are you doing?’

It’s a demand more than a question, and Lily attends it. ‘I don’t want anybody else touching you like I do. It’s mine.’

Her voice is ferocious and unfair and Lily waits for his cold reply, the one she deserves—she has no right to claim any part of him—, but it never comes. Instead, James blinks.

‘Then take it,’ he challenges. Lily does.

Her lips crash over his, and this time is not soft or patient. It’s desperate and when she tastes the whiskey in his mouth, she understands the difference and gladly accepts it. His hands are everywhere—holding her waist, climbing under her skirt, running through her hair to pull her closer—but what somehow stays with her it’s the moment he closes the door and then they are alone and the darkness is their friend.

The darkness makes it easy, embarrassingly easy, for her to break the kiss enough to lift his shirt and for him to slide her dress down and for them to find their way to the bed. He holds her, his lips incessantly, and a part of Lily wonders if he doesn’t want to break apart for fear of what happened the last time he did it.

But the majority of her is too wrapped in the feelings he is bringing to worry about anything. She accepts him, accepts every caress he distributes openly, and returns it eagerly. She tastes the saltiness of his skin, feels every muscle of his chest—the ones she has memorized after so many days at the beach though she had only imagined how they would feel under her fingers—, presses herself closer to him. His hands are exploring her—he saw her at the beach too—and then his mouth replaces his hands and the moan that escapes her lips is true.

She pulls him up, tasting her own sweat on his lips—it was a warm day and it’s a warmer night—and her hands work on the button of his jeans. There is a moment of hesitation—he breaks away, his eyes boring into hers even as the darkness barely allows them to see each other—and then it’s gone. He pulls her last piece of cloth then stands up long enough to take out his last one and then there is only them.

Only Lily and James, except they don’t feel like two anymore. They are one and in the darkness, Lily sees those colours that are so James once more, fireworks whose sounds are moans and short breaths and names whispered so low that the other could pretend they didn’t hear.

But Lily hears it and it’s hers. He is hers for that moment and she is his.

She lied before (and now she knows it). She can’t forget him. She can’t be just friends. James is bright sunny days, cosy cold nights and she longs to share it all with him (she couldn’t, but her mind can’t recall why right now). She locks her hand with his, her nails burying into his skin, and Lily doesn’t want to let go.

He holds her hand, pressing it so hard that she can’t feel circulation there anymore, and then he cries her name, this time impossible to deny it. He called her.

It’s not the last time he will do it tonight. He presses another kiss to her lips—it’s feverish and urgent and somehow even more desperate than the first one—, rests his forehead against her catching his breath and Lily enjoys the moment, enjoys that pleasure and soreness that runs through her body, enjoys how her chest brushes against his as she breathes, slower each time, recovering.

Recover. As if she could.

James breaks apart, rolling to the side and for a moment there is silence, the music distant, the world distant until it’s not anymore, until the world seems too close and the air too heavy, not one breeze to refresh it. Lily thinks of opening the window—it’s already opened, the wind bringing the smell of the sea to the room—when she realizes it’s not the air that feels wrong.

It’s them. No, it’s him.

‘James,’ she calls, panic and fear trembling her voice, coldness spreading through her skin in a way that it should not be possible, not on this summer day.

She can hear him rising from the bed, grabbing his clothes.

‘Lily,’ he answers shortly, opening briefly the door and she can’t see his face. ‘I know, it doesn’t mean anything.’

And that’s James Potter's first lie.

[findingjoynweirdstuff]

Dream SMP Recap (June 21/2021) - Prison Podcast: Ep. 1

Techno and Dream start a podcast together. Divine intervention occurs.

---

VOD LINKS:

Ponk

Foolish

Technoblade

---

- Ponk commits arson

- Foolish works on Las Nevadas in a Batman skin and gets Slime a slime

- Techno and Dream are together in prison. Techno asks if they ever get fed and Dream tosses him some potatoes that he’s been saving. Sam hasn’t been there in two weeks

- Dream tells Techno they torture him

Techno: “You’re getting tortured?”

Dream: “Yes!”

Techno: “Bro I cannot relate at all. That is a you problem. Maybe I’m just like their favorite prisoner so they don’t do that.”

Dream: “They haven’t even been here since you got in here!”

Techno: “That --that could -- also po-- maybe it’s ‘cause they just know that I’m their favorite prisoner. They don’t even have to check up on me ‘cause I’m just so obedient.”

- Dream walks over to the lava

Dream: “I have been in here! For months!”

Techno: “Oh yeah!”

- Dream tosses a potato in the lava

Dream: “Does this hurt you?”

Techno: “...I mean a little.”

- Dream throws another

Techno: “How many of those do you have to be throwin’ them away, man?”

Dream: (mumbling as he walks back) “O-okay well I don’t have that much [unintelligible].”

- Techno comments on how wasteful the Netherite block floor is. He wonders how long it takes to punch through it

- He asks what Dream does for fun. Dream says nothing now. He tells Techno about how he used to have a clock that he’d throw in the lava to get Sam to visit. Techno thinks it sounds like Dream was vandalizing his own property

Dream: “It was something to do, but now there’s nothing.”

Techno: “Well, at least we can hang out and be friends.”

- He starts going up to Dream and bumping them

Techno: “Friendsss.”

Dream: (walking away) “Personal space!”

Techno: “Frie -- bro what personal space! We’re locked in this tiny room!”

- Techno goes over to the lava wall instead

- Dream spends most of his free time writing his diary. Techno asks if he’s published anything to Wattpad

Dream: “...No...”

Techno: “You hesitated.”

- Techno asks for Dream’s pen name. Dream insists he’s never written on Wattpad

Techno: “So it’s a different website, is what you’re saying.”

- Dream instead wants to focus on getting out of prison. Techno asks for his ideas, but Dream says it should be Techno with the ideas

Techno: “Eh, yeah, I’ll get to it later man.”

- Techno encourages Dream to have a more optimistic outlook. Dream says that at least he’s not been tortured since Techno’s been here

Techno: “You gotta go with the flow!”

- Dream walks over to the lava

Techno: “Not that flow -- not -- not that flow. No -- no, don’t go -- don’t go into that flow!”

- Dream steps into the lava and sets himself on fire, then goes over to the water to extinguish it

Techno: “That’s the better flow right there.”

Dream: “See? It’s -- it’s exhilarating.”

Techno: “That’s just -- I would not recommend that. That is not healthy behavior, alright. I think you should see a psychologist.”

Dream: “WHERE?!”

Techno: “I dunno, what kinda prison is this? They don’t have psychologists?”

Dream: “They don’t have anything! They have torture --”

Techno: “I’m startin’ to think they don’t care about our human rights all that much. You were sayin’ you were getting tortured? Who’s been torturing you?”

Dream: “Quackity!”

Techno: “Yeah, that adds up.”

Dream: “Every day!”

- Dream says that Quackity’s torturing him for the revive book, and Techno asks more about how the revival process works. Dream explains that to revive people, he gets a book and then burns it

- Techno asks if it’s an incantation. After learning what ‘incantation’ means, Dream says it’s something like that. He isn’t sure how Schlatt got it in the first place, but he memorized the book and can recreate it

- Techno suggests Dream give the knowledge to him as insurance, but Dream refuses, as they might go after Techno. Techno asks to see the book, but Dream still doesn’t

Dream: “This is like the house situation all over again.”

Techno: “Oh yeah...well on the bright side, you’re not homeless anymore!”

Dream: “True...this is -- to be fair, I did say I had a giant house. This is pretty giant.”

Techno: “It is filled with redstone! I didn’t think you were telling the truth, but here you are. Here you are...how much is rent to live in this boiling cell every day?”

Dream: “It’s...free.”

Techno: “God, that’s incredible.”

Dream: “Except for I get tortured every day!”

Techno: “Well I mean, California rent prices are basically torture so, you know, you take what you can get man, come on.”

- The subject returns to how they haven’t been visited in two weeks. Dream asks what they’re going to do when they get out, but Techno hasn’t thought that far ahead

- Dream writes in his diary that Techno admitted he has a house

- Dream asks Techno about life. When Techno isn’t in a cell, he usually trains to find new forms of combat to get ahead in the arms race for the fight against government

- He also plays golf

- Techno hasn’t spoken to Tommy, hasn’t seen him. He thinks Tommy stole some things from his house a while ago

- Dream then asks how his horse is doing. Techno tells him about his pet foxes and Steve (who is going to break him out of there any second)

- Dream writes these down in his book because it’s hard for him to remember things

- Dream asks who’s feeding his pets. Techno says that Steve can feed himself and it’ll probably be fine for Carl to find grass

- Techno pronounces it as “gif”

- He asks if Dream would like to start a podcast. The Prison Podcast

- Dream wonders what would happen if he tried to revive someone who wasn’t dead

Dream: “What if I try and revive you? What if it goes wrong?”

Techno: “Maybe there’ll be two of me. And then we can be double friends. Wouldn’t that be nice? Two Technoblades?”

Dream: “Well, doubles the likelihood of me getting out of here, but...”

Techno: “Exactly, exactly. The next time they come to visit us in prison, there’s just gonna like be thirty-five Technoblades. And when they try to torture you, I can be like a human meat shield and just wave after wave of Technoblades swarms them and just beats them up.”

- Techno’s okay with trying it, so Dream writes a book and burns it. When they turn around, though, it’s DreamXD who appears

- Techno remembers XD as the person who broke his table, some sort of god

Techno: “You cloned the wrong person! Dream, you fool! Look at him! ...You know that’s actually something I’ve been meaning to ask you -- how come God looks exactly like you? That feels like a question that should’ve occurred to me earlier.”

- Dream doesn’t answer, confused, but asks what they should do. Techno tries talking to him

DreamXD: what are you doing

Techno: chilling

DreamXD: what do you want summoning me

Techno: yo can you grant a wish

DreamXD: one

Techno: i want a bell

- DreamXD gives them a bell and leaves just in time for the sellout timer to go off. Dream is outraged that Techno would spend their wish on a bell and goes over to stare into the lava while Techno enthusiastically rings it

- Dream wonders what Sam and Quackity will say when they see the bell. They try standing next to each other in front of the bell to block the view

- They can’t summon DreamXD a second time

- They talk a bit more about the books. Dream gives Techno some potatoes (in Techno’s inventory he also has four books by Dream, one of which is titled “information”)

- Dream asks about why Techno rings the bell. Techno says it’s about the rituals, and Dream comments that he put a bell in Church Prime (“which is not to be spoken of here”)

- Techno asks if Dream can even get Twitch Primes and claims that Dream is a heretic due to not being under contract. Dream isn’t profiting off of anyone

- Dream has 51 potatoes remaining

Techno: “So uh...got any friends? Hang out with anybody? You know, before the whole thrown in prison thing?”

Dream: “Not really...I did, and then they...turned against me.”

Techno: “Ah. I know that feeling man, I know that feeling.”

Dream: “Just being betrayed by your closest friends...”

Techno: “Ah yeah, happens all the time. Every Tuesday, really.”

Dream: “I’ve been visited by a few people.”

Techno: “Pog, pog. Did any of them like, not try to torture or kill you?”

Dream: “...Yeah?”

Techno: “He hesitated.”

Dream: “Well...Sapnap didn’t torture and kill me, but then he said if I get out of here, he would.”

Techno: “You GOTTA raise your standards, man. You gotta raise your stand-- you’re just getting treated like dirt out here, man. That is just sad. That is just sad! You gotta meet some new people, man.”

Dream: “I think BadBoyHalo treated me the best, probably.”

Techno: “BadBoyHalo, you say?”

Dream: “He treated me the best, probably, when he visited me before.”

Techno: “Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s like a cult leader or something, actually, I hate to break it to you.”

Dream: “Wait, what?!”

Techno: “Yeah, there was like this Egg thing...I wasn’t quite clear on what was going on.”

Dream: “That was months ago! He visited me like four months ago, five months ago.”

- Techno talks a bit about how he attacked the Egg cult, “big crossover episode.” Dream asks when was the last time the two of them -- Dream and Techno -- spoke. It was Doomsday, a while ago

- Dream asks about current events, but Techno isn’t the best person to ask about that. Tubbo has a new commune called Snowchester that Techno’s still a bit suspicious of

- Dream asks how Ranboo is. Techno offhandedly mentions that Tubbo might have nukes, maybe as a hobby. Maybe the crater was just Tubbo trying to scare him

- Dream doesn’t know a lot about the outside world. Ranboo used to visit a lot -- the most of everyone until Quackity -- a while ago, but then he stopped. Sapnap, Ranboo, Tommy, Bad and Quackity all visited 

- He then comments that Techno seems to like potatoes. Techno asks how Dream knows Ranboo, which Dream says is “a long story.” Then Dream says he doesn’t know Ranboo that well, he just visited a couple times

- Dream asks about the plan to get out again. Techno says that even with the mining fatigue, they can still break blocks. But most of the blocks would set off the alarms, so he suggests the block beneath the toilet

- Even if they break the blocks, there’s an Elder Guardian beneath the cell

Techno: “I can take him...hey, how ‘bout I jump in there, I start beatin’ it up, and if I somehow die despite my elite martial arts prowess, you can just bring me back and I can jump in again and keep beatin’ it up, and then if I die you can just bring me back and I’ll jump in and I’ll keep beatin’ it up.”

- If people come to check on them, one of them can be the lookout

- Techno directs Dream to start punching the block for 24 hours, promising to feed potatoes to him while he punches if he gets hungry

- Dream starts punching

Techno: “What are they gonna do if they catch us, put us in double jail, man?”

- They continue chatting as Dream punches, wondering why the icon for the mining fatigue effect is a spoon. Dream talks about the cat they used to have in there. Eventually the sellout timer goes off again.

Techno starts ringing.

---

Upcoming events remain the same.

[true-blue-megamind]

Fan Theory Thursday – The Not-So-Evil Overlord?

Shhh… Want to hear a secret?  Come closer... SPOILER ALERT!

Okay, this one delves a little deep into the imaginative side of Megamind fan theories, however I believe it holds enough interest and has enough support to be well worth discussing.  There is a supposition which I frankly love: our favorite blue alien was an Overlord of sorts before he briefly took control of Metro City, and he had good reasons to be so.  That might sound a little crazy, but bear with me.

This idea has appeared in several fan fictions, and essentially goes as follows: Megamind was more than a supervillain; he was also a crime boss, and he chose that path for the most unlikely of reasons. Bizarre though it may seem, his primary drive was bettering Metro City.  (And, yes, I’m aware of how contradictory that sounds.)  However, it’s logical when considered more closely.  By making himself the de facto ruler of the city’s underbelly, Megamind was able to control crime to an extent, probably even setting limits on certain activities, and guidelines for others.  In the majority of fan fictions using this concept, that includs things like reducing violent crime, setting purity standards and purchase limits for narcotics, and ensuring sex workers were neither underage nor abused.

I’ll be the first to admit that, on the surface at least, this seems like nothing more than fans seeking to justify or even moralize a beloved character, but research reveals that there is actually some support for this theory.  Firstly, there is the fact, touched upon previously in the Fan Theory post concerning the Warden, that Megamind was clearly already establishing control over other criminals at a young age.  While writing a truly wonderful blog article, Demishock actually went through the trouble of deciphering the newspaper clipping shown at the beginning of the film’s title sequence.  It contains, among other things, a reference to the fact that, although an elementary school age child, Megamind was feared and obeyed by other inmates at the prison where he grew up.  A quote from the Warden reads: “I've got experienced, hardened criminals in here who are afraid of him.” The article goes on to mention an incident which involved a few other inmates, adding that “the other prisoners refused to point fingers for fear of retaliation.”

It is quite possible that Megamind was already building and consolidating a base of power.

Next, there is the fact that the blue man seems to have lines he won’t cross, even as the self-proclaimed Evil Overlord. In one of the storyboards, when Megamind is approached by the Doom Syndicate, he clearly holds them in disdain, yet they are careful to placate him.  Obviously they have somewhat different standards.  When Agent Orange—who was later reimagined as Psycho-Delic before being cut from the film entirely—compares Megamind’s “inspirational” defeat of Metro Man to “a car crash on prom night,” the blue alien looks rather disgusted. Although they refer to celebrating his victory, it also seems the Doom Syndicate may be indirectly asking Megamind’s permission to go on a crime spree. While this may be because he is the new Overlord, it seems odd that other villains would immediately leap to the assumption such approval is necessary if they were accustomed to acting on their own. However, if they were already in the habit of requesting the blue alien’s sanction, their actions make more sense.

Whatever the case, it seems that, once again, Megamind and the Doom Syndicate may have very different ideas of what sorts of crimes are acceptable. The Destruction Worker refers to “really putting the screws to the city,” while Agent Orange adds his desire to “swim in the torment of the innocent.”  However, these suggestions don’t seem to match what we actually see Megamind doing.  In the movie, Megamind does, indeed, go on a crime spree, but none of it appears to be violent.  He certainly causes chaos, but no one seems to ever be injured.  In fact, in the DVD commentary, one of the creators even states outright that the supervillain never goes beyond vandalism and theft because he doesn’t really want to hurt anybody.  (Indeed, in the film it rather seems that, by being raised in jail, bullied, and constantly rejected, Megamind was pushed into supervillainy.) This, together with the previous evidence, paints an image of a man who has been forced to do some harsh things, but who nonetheless dislikes violence and, deep down, possesses a certain moral code, albeit a skewed one.  

There are, in fact, several other details that point toward Megamind being far from truly evil despite being a supervillain.  As I mentioned in Megamind and Identity, he displays several redeeming qualities, such as his largely friendly treatment of Minion, his respect for Roxanne’s intelligence, and his playful, affectionate game of fetch with the brainbots.  However, I won’t go into a long explanation about that here as it can be found in the aforementioned post.

Nonetheless, I don’t believe we can seriously expect that the former villain has never once hurt anyone in his life.  Keep in mind that, as discussed in the post How Strong is Megamind, the blue alien almost certainly had to fight in order to survive.  However, his unwillingness to attack citizens suggests that he only injured others when it was absolutely necessary.  Similarly, the aforementioned “news article” indicates that he may have limited his physically aggressive responses to other criminals only. (After all, the reference to prison inmates fearing him is the sole evidence of possible violence we have.)  I have seen it suggested here on Tumblr that he may have taken over Metro City in part because he believed that, if he didn’t, someone worse like the Doom Syndicate would.  It may even be possible that he was afraid of appearing soft and thus losing control over the criminal underworld.  

Of course, it has to be mentioned here that Megamind also fought with Metro Man, who certainly wasn’t a criminal.  However, there are two factors that I believe need to be considered.  The first is that it is very likely that Megamind didn’t expect he could truly harm his nemesis. This is evidenced by both the his apparent shock when Metro Man seems to actually be dead, and by his overt statement during the museum scene that he “didn’t think it would really work.”  The second is that, as young Metro Man was a bully, tormenting Megamind without provocation and encouraging other children to do the same, Megamind may have mentally placed him in the bad guy/threat category.

His lack of violence is not the only proof that Megamind had a better heart than most credited him for even when he was a supervillain. Keep in mind that he had a holographic disguise watch and a hoverbike.  Presumably, Megamind could have simply fled Metro City when Titan turned evil, but he didn’t.  Instead he went to Roxanne for help, stating that if they could not find the new villain’s weakness Titan would “destroy the whole city.”  And this was after Titan had tried to kill him.  Clearly, despite being a supervillain, Megamind cared enough about his home town to put his life in danger.

The final support for the Benevolent Overlord theory is less obvious: Megamind had to have been getting funds from somewhere even when Metro Man was still functioning as the Defender of Metro City. (Indeed, in some of the early concept art, the Evil Lair was imagined as a luxurious space boasting things like a huge library and a sleek laboratory.  Some fans still picture the living quarters in much the same way despite the creators stating that he built his inventions from whatever he could get his hands on.)  Near the beginning of the movie, Minion mentions a supplier in Romania, and presumably he and Megamind had to be getting food and other necessities somehow.  While it’s true that the blue villain was clearly not above thievery, we also know that his plots were always defeated by Metro Man, so it’s safe to assume that he rarely if ever got away with stealing anything before the former hero’s supposed “death.”  Of course, it also seems extremely unlikely, even laughable, that Megamind would have had a day job.  Where, then, did the money come from?  Many fans theorize that, as the local crime boss, he received a cut from all illegal activity. It certainly seems like the most probable explanation.  

Art by Kory Heinzen, found in The Art of Megamind by Richard von Busack

So why would Megamind build his technology and machines largely from scrap if he had a constant cash flow?  Given his concern for the city, several fan fictions have imagined the blue man secretly and anonymously donating a significant portion of his ill-gotten money to various charities and non-profits.  That idea is not directly supported by any evidence, but it does fit with what we know.  It’s also consistent with Megamind’s character: a feared supervillain who possesses a surprisingly good heart and, given his past, knows too well what it’s like to be thrown away by society.

So, was Megamind a crime boss as well as a supervillain?  Did he use that position to secretly better life in Metro City?  If so, is he still doing that now that he is the Defender of Metro City, thus curbing criminal activity from within as well as fighting it from without? (For the record, given that there is no apparent gang war happening during The Button of Doom, I would propose that the answer to the last question may be yes.)  These are certainly interesting ideas to consider, and the mere fact that this animated film offers enough details to argue the point is a testament to just how well-constructed the movie is.  I consider it yet more proof that the film Megamind is truly an underrated masterpiece.

[sheepprophet]

/rp obv and /lh for the most part!

My thinking out loud for who Ranboo could trust with the enderwalk state, in no particular order:

A. Tommy. Probably one of the most obvious choices imo. He's proven to Ranboo specifically that he can be trusted to protect him in a similar situation (the trial about George's house being griefed where Tommy took the fall for him). I think Ranboo knows that Tommy can keep a secret. And Tommy isnt really on any sides at the moment - apart from his friendship with Tubbo which would probably his one loose end that could end up being a deal breaker for Ranboo. I legit think Tommy is objectively the best choice for this job (and i wanna see akward duo reunite as much as the next guy), but we gotta keep in mind who we're dealing with. Ranboo's likely not going to be think of Tommy as someone who's divorced himself from basically all conflict and is just trying to better himself. He's so paranoid about this exact issue, he's probably going to default to thinking Tommy is essentially just between sides right now. Plus, like I said, Ranboo didn't say he needs someone who "isnt on any side", he said he needs someone who's "detached". While Tommy definitely fills the former, he definitly doesn't fill the latter.

B. A lot of chat was suggesting Techno and/or Phil? Which?? My dudes??? No???? Yeah sure they probably wouldn't care, but Ranboo has made it pretty clear that he's really cautious about telling them things like this in fear that one day, they might care. Plus, when they say they don't care, they really mean it. To be honest, I dont think c!Techno or c!Phil are good people to be that vulnerable to? Mainly because this is something that Ranboo is going to need unprompted reassurance with and I dont really think either of them would think to do that? Plus, they're very much on a side, that being their own. When Ranboo says detached, I think he means really detached (or at least as much as humanly possible on this SMP).

C. Fundy. This one is odd because I could totally see it happening, but I can just as easily see it not. Ranboo and Fundy established a pretty strong bond throughout December, but after Doomsday it completely fell through for them both. They clearly still care about each other and that bond is definitely still there, but its been damaged and they've both been afraid to be the first to make an effort to mend it. I genuinely believe if they would just talk, they'd be back to normal in like 10 minutes. But they'd need to talk first and in this case I think Ranboo would be the one to start the conversation, which he's shown discomfort in doing before. However, if they could bridge this gap, l think Fundy would be a very good choice (as long as he could take it seriously). Obviously, Ranboo can trust Fundy on an emotional level and we know Fundy can keep a secret (almost too well) because of the whole A Spy's Diary situation. Fundy also said himself that he currently has no alliances on the smp, aside from probably Ranboo and Ranboo knows this. Additionally, Fundy is one of the only people, along with Puffy, and of course Dream, who have canonically seen him in his enderwalk state. (Tommy did notice him wandering around like he was in it once, but Ranboo hasn't acknowledged that time as canon, so idk). Anyway, I think Fundy would be a pretty solid choice if they can just get their shit together and finally make up.

D. Karl? I see where y'all are coming from with this one and listen, I would also love to see these to interact and bond over their respective memory issues, bookkeeping, and disrealization problems. But, I hate to break it to you that c!Ranboo literally has no clue about any of that. No one does. Karl hasn't told anybody about his ability to time travel and atm doesnt have any plans to. Granted, Ranboo could choose him for other reasons, but I highly doubt it, honestly?

E. Wilbur? I know what i just said, but Hear Me Out. He's not revived right now and we don't know when he will be or what he'll even be like when/if he is. But, a few things we can guarantee is that when/if he is he'll be one of the most detached people on the server (both politically and probably emotionally), he'd have no qualms with helping out Ranboo even if he does turn out to be some awful war criminal, and, based on his interactions with Ghostbur, I think Ranboo might be willing to trust him. And probably my biggest argument for why i like this crack theory: If Wilbur remembers all of the shit he did, that means he'll be one of the few people who would be able to relate to Ranboo. He knows what it's like to have Dream take advantage of your poor/deteriorating mental health and talk you into commiting acts of terrorism. Wilbur also would know what it's like to feel like you can't trust anyone, including yourself, and he could relate to Ranboo's disrealization he's been experiencing. Plus, I just think getting to see these two interact like this would be neat idk. Definitely not going to happen, but I thought I'd inculde the idea here!

F. Eret. Fuck dude, I really want Ranboo to go to Eret about this. Like first of all, Eret is functionally detached from everything right now (I mean that's why Dream has put them on the throne twice now). All Eret cares about is helping those who need it, which would include Ranboo. I also think Ranboo knows he can trust Eret and we all know Eret would be such a sweetheart about comforting the kid, while also understanding the seriousness of the situation and treating it as such. Something that I also thought was interesting was Ranboo emphasizing that it would be ideal if the person has "kept a secret before". Now, Fundy has also kept a big secret before (again, A Spy's Diary), but ya know who was the one other person who knew about Fundy's spy plan and kept the secret (which was someone else's) just as well? Eret. And of course, the reason Eret was the first person who came to mind for me: Eret betrayed L'manberg all that time ago and, obviously, had to keep it a secret and did with ease, even at a time when the writing couldn't protect it for them. Point is, Eret checks this box multiple times over and gets a gold star on it. On the note of Eret's betrayal, what I said about Wilbur knowing what it's like to be used by Dream to commit terrorism/war crimes, also applies to Eret. It's often forgotten that Eret was actually the first person to be used and manipulated by Dream. Eret wanted respect and power and when Dream found out, he promised it to them in the form of a flimsy title and fancy crown in exchange for turning on their friends, Eret took it. They then regretted it almost instantly. Point is, Eret can not only help Ranboo through this with the care and respect he requires, but can also do so by being able to relate to Ranboo on a personal level, which I think Ranboo would respond to. Eret is sort of the closest Ranboo could have to having someone represent what he's afraid he could become - someone who's seen as a filthy traitor and nothing more, never able to earn back the love and respect of their friends. But, Eret could show him that, with time and a lot of effort, he's worthy of forgivess just like they were. I also really want this for Eret. Let Eret be able to use the experience that they view as their biggest mistake, followed by months of paying for it, as a way to be able to help this kid that's grappling with some pretty heavy problems. It would be so healing for the both of them.

[fangirl-ramblings]

Pairing: Arthur x gn!reader

Characters: Reader, Simon Pearson, Mary Linton, Arthur Morgan

Word count: 3306

Summary: You and Arthur have recently made your relationship official by moving into his tent...but is he really into you...or is he still holding onto his past?

Notes: SFW, Angst leading to fluff

After requesting several wonderful stories from one of my favourite writers and people, I was super honoured to have the chance to be able to write something for the super talented and lovely @littlestarofthewest -  Merry Christmas from your secret santa 😘😘

Also a huge thank you to @horsegirl1h (who helped me plot this out) @verai-marcel (for wrangling in all my stupid grammatical mistakes) & @mileycyprus-hill who took a quick look over this and gave me a much better character note on how to improve Arthur's feelings in this story and give me a far better title I could ever think of myself. Thank you all 😘

~* Tumblr Masterlist | Stories on AO3 *~

The First Shall Be Forgotten

You slowly opened your eyes, only to find the cot next to you still empty. It was fairly late when you'd finally taken yourself off to bed last night, but you had found yourself unable to keep your eyes open as you'd sat around the scout fire. Your hope of Arthur riding back into camp and joining you in lying down for the night had turned into a wishful dream of waking up with his strong arms wrapped around you, but it turns out it was just that - merely a pleasant dream. 

It was only a few months since you'd started dating, with most of that time spent being inseparable, but lately you noticed that Arthur was staying away from camp longer and longer. Yes - the events of Blackwater had changed the gang's luck and the likes of Dutch and Strauss kept giving Arthur more and more tasks to do, but you'd felt like that most of these jobs could be done well before nightfall. Surely Arthur wasn't avoiding you because he was bored of you already….could he?

You sat upright, shaking your head free of any more of those nasty thoughts, quickly making the decision that you should get dressed and help out around camp before Miss Grimshaw marched over to berate you for wasting so much time idling about.

There was a chill floating in the air this morning in camp and so you found yourself shivering as you looked around for your light jacket. Opening your shared trunk, you proceeded to pile a mixture of both yours and Arthur's clothes on to the cot in your quest to find your missing coat. Though you soon found yourself distracted as you lifted one of Arthur's shirts up, tutting to yourself as you saw just how worn and dirt stained they all were. You swore that that man would wear these offending items until they fell apart on him...and some were close to doing so, judging by how often they'd been patched up.

   "Ah, there you are," Pearson's cheerful voice booming from behind you, making you jump out of your skin, "I need a helping hand gathering supplies in town and was wondering if you could come along with me for the ride"

   "Me? Surely there's someone more capable about?" Although Valentine was only a short ride away, the idea of being Mr. Pearson's captive audience for that short length of time was not high on your list of priorities for the day. 

   "Well, I don't know if you noticed but we are stretched a little thin on the ground right now," his hands gesturing to the almost empty camp area in front of you, "Mr. Smith & Mr. Escuella are yet to return from Blackwater with young Sean and, as you well know, Mr. Morgan is still yet to return from wherever he has took himself off to. As for the girls..." you tried to stifle a chuckle as he trailed off to glance nervously over at where Tilly, Mary-Beth and Karen were currently sitting at their wagon, making sure they couldn't hear this conversation, "...I'd rather not ask them. Uncle told me of the trouble they got up to on their last visit into Valentine."

You couldn't help but burst out laughing at Pearson's fear of trying to keep three excited young women from creating chaos. "Sorry, sorry," you apologised, wiping your eyes as he looked at you with confusion, "Well...since you have no other options, I'll join you. I've been wanting to pick Arthur up a new shirt anyways." Spotting your jacket at the bottom of the truck, you quickly threw it on, leaving all the other clothes heaped on the bed, "Shall we go now then?"

"Goddamit, why does there have to be a train in the station?" you grumbled as Pearson pulled the horses to a stop at the crossing, which was blocked by one of the carriages belonging to the offending train. After being waylaid by the shop boy slowly loading the wagon with all the goods Pearson had chosen for camp - not that any of these ingredients would do much to improve his cooking, you cruelly thought to yourself - your head was starting to ache from listening to Pearson's constant tall tales. All you had wanted to do was get back to camp and sleep off your headache, but that didn't seem to be happening anytime soon, thanks to this stupid train.

   "I know what you mean, I was hoping to get back and make a start on preparing supper," Pearson sighed before suddenly cheering up, "But, hey, at least it gives me more time to tell you about my time at sea. There was this other time..."

Internally, you found yourself groaning, trying to zone out the older man as he recounted yet another story, that this time seemed to involve him somehow, inexplicably fighting a walrus -  single-handedly -  to save his crew.

You glanced around, finding yourself admiring all the different horses hitched up around the station...until a familiar sight caught your eye.

   "Hey isn't that Brutus?" you interrupted Pearson mid-sentence, gesturing towards the big, black Shire horse that Hosea had gifted Arthur a few weeks ago. Arthur had rarely named his horses after losing his beloved Boudicca in Blackwater and was more than content to just refer to this one as "Boy", but after overhearing Hosea called this giant a brute, you'd jokingly suggested the name Brutus, a name that had tickled Arthur and agreed it was the perfect name for this beast.

Put out a little by the fact you had rudely interrupted him just as the story was getting good, Pearson grudgingly glanced over to the direction in which you were pointing.

   "Er, it does look like it. So anyway after I killed the Walrus with nothing but my bare hands…" 

   'So this is where you've gotten to Morgan,' you thought to yourself, once again not listening to Pearson's story. 'Here's hoping you're on your way home too.'

Smiling to yourself that your lover would hopefully be by your side once more, you absent-mindedly found yourself scanning the crowd of people that was starting to thin out as they slowly stepped onto the carriages...until you saw him standing with his back to you.

A smile started to creep over your face as you recognised Arthur's dirty blond hair, broad frame and filthy blue shirt. Just the fact you could see how dirty it was from this distance made you glad that you'd made the decision to buy him a new one now, as that one needed throwing out, never mind a good wash. Anybody would think that man spent most of his time rolling around in the mud than riding a horse around.

With his hands on his gun belt, he shifted his weight to one side and the smile on your face was replaced with a look of confusion as a young lady was revealed to be standing next to him, deep in an intimate conversation.

Unconsciously scowling at her, you were unable to shake the feeling that you've seen her somewhere before, but for the life of you, you couldn't quite place where.

You squinted your eyes to try and focus your vision on her delicate features before a feeling of rage bubbled up from your stomach as she kissed Arthur's cheek, in a way that suggested more than just friendship.

"And I'll tell you - I used that walrus meat to feed a crew of 50...and not one of them complained the way you and the rest of camp do about my cooking" Pearson waffled on down your ear, distracting you from your thoughts about this mysterious woman and how you wanted to jump down and throttle her. Instead you suddenly had the urge to wrap your hands around the cook's neck. 

Turning to face him, you barked, "Maybe being at sea for weeks at end with no food makes people more appreciative of the slop you always manage to serve up - no matter the ingredients." 

You instantly felt regret as the words left your mouth and you saw the hurt in the older man's eyes.

   "Christ, I'm sorry Mr. Pearson. I didn’t mean to take it out on you..." You paused, thinking about telling him about what you just saw, but you doubted this old sea dog would give a damn about your love life and so explained "I just have a real bad headache and it's put me in a bad mood."

He nodded softly and turned away so you wouldn't see him wipe the sting of the tears from his eyes.

Feeling guilty from the hurt you just caused, you looked away to the source of your own pain, only to find Arthur had disappeared from the platform and the train was now pulling out the station. Had he gotten on board with his mystery woman? Gone off to start a new life with her and left you and the outlaw life behind him? These thoughts rattled around your head as Pearson told the horses to giddy up and the pair of you headed back to camp in an awkward silence.

Jumping down from the wagon, you helped Pearson unload the wagon - still with an uneasy tension in the air, before you tried to broker the peace between you both by offering to help prepare the next meal as a peace offering.

   "No, it's quite okay," Pearson patted you shoulder to show there was no hard feelings, "You go sleep off that sore head of yours"

You nodded appreciatively, finding yourself thanking him and apologising once more as you picked up the wrapped parcel containing Arthur's new shirt, and headed back to your tent. 

As you walked over, you rolled your eyes in annoyance at yourself as you caught sight of the mess you'd left behind this morning. Picking the mountain of clothes up, you threw them in straight at the trunk at the end of the cot, surprising yourself as you heard a loud clatter of something hitting the side of the chest and then dropping onto the floor.

Peering over, you saw that a few shirts and a pair of trousers had missed their target and were now scattered over the floor... alongside a wooden photoframe, laying face down on the ground, that definitely wasn't there before.

Picking it up, you recognised the image of a younger, but still very handsome version of Arthur standing on the left.

'You've always been a good-looking bastard haven't you?' half smiling as you took in his handsome features, 'No wonder you have a long list of admirers to spend all your time instead of me.'

Well before you and Arthur had started dating, you had seen this photograph before. You recalled picking it up from his bedside table back then too, in order to get a closer look of how attractive Arthur's always been.

But sometime between then and making your relationship official, Arthur must have removed it and hidden it out of sight from you. Just as you were about to ask yourself why, you spotted who else was in the picture.

   'No…no it can't be,' you thought to yourself as you stared at the beautiful, dark haired woman standing next to him in the image. But, as much as you didn’t want it to be, it certainly was. Looking straight back at you was a younger version of the same woman from the train station…the same woman who had ripped Arthur's heart out and tore it into a million pieces all those years ago when she called off their engagement - Mary.

Time seemed to slow down as your mind went into overdrive. Did he simply remove the picture as a thoughtful gesture so you wouldn't wake up to a younger Arthur and his ex-fiancee looking at you…or did he hide it because he still loved her and her alone? Were you just a stopgap - something to fill the emptiness in his heart until she came back to him? Is that the real reason Arthur had hidden the picture and not gotten rid of it completely? So once he had managed to win her back, he could toss you aside and place it once more on his bedside to stare lovingly at while he held her in his arms?

You hadn’t realise you were crying or just how hard you were gripping the frame until you heard the sudden sound of glass cracking and a mix of your blood and tears began to streak all over her stupid, perfect face. Standing frozen to the spot, you stared and stared at her image, slowly disappearing under the physical manifestations of your hurt and betrayal, until you heard Arthur bellow out your name as he rode back into camp.

   "Hey you. Boy, did I sure miss you while I was gone," he cheerfully greeted you as he strode towards you, "I tell you, there's some strange sights out there that I've been dyin' to tell you all 'bout."

   "Tell me?" you snarled, acting the wounded animal you currently felt like, "Don't you have other people you'd rather spend your time with?"

   "What? What's got into you?" 

Your heart panged as you saw the hurt cross his face as he saw how upset you were. 

"Listen, if this 'bout me spendin' so much time from camp recently, then I am sorry - but I did miss you somethin' fierce y'know" he assured you, placing his arms around your waist.

   "Just like you've missed Mary for all these years?" Just saying her name out loud felt like you had tasted venom on your lips and needed to quickly spit it out.

"Mary? Where's all this comin' from?" He flustered, averting his eyes downwards as not to meet your steely gaze. Upon seeing you holding the photograph, he exclaimed, "Christ alive, you're bleedin'. Here lemme fix you up."

"I'm fine," you snapped at him, pulling your hand away from his gentle touch. Any other time, this small act of affection - the big mean outlaw gently cradling your hand in his - would have made you melt on the spot, but today your inner rage wasn't having any of it. Instead you blurted out, "I saw you. At the train station…with her."

Realising he had been caught out and couldn't bluff his way out of this sorry mess, he sat down on the cot and tried to explain.

   "Okay, yeah, I was at the train station with her, but it really ain't what you think…"

   "I saw her kiss you."

  "You mean when she kissed my cheek? That was her sayin' goodbye. Her and her brother are headin' back East to find their father."

You sat next to him, the photograph still in your hands.

   "Still doesn't explain why you were with her in the first place."

   "No it doesn't, does it." He sighed, running his hand down his face. "I was on my way back to camp, ridin' through Valentine when I thought I'd check and see if there was any post. Lo' and behold there was just the one - a letter from Mary askin' if I could help with a small problem of hers."

   "So you must have been in contact with her if she knew you were in town."

He shook his head. "No. No, she'd recognised the girls after their last trip into town and wrote to me on the off-chance I was also in the area."

   "Why?"

"Her kid brother, Jamie, he'd gone and got himself mixed up in this weird cult up in Cumberland Forest. Christ, you shoulda seen them all listenin' on as this lunatic spouted some nonsense about turtles or somethin'," laughing, he patted his leg until he saw your stony expression still waiting for the answer to your question.

   "Get to the point please, Arthur."

   "You're right, sorry," he said as he nodded, "Jamie was the only one in her family who stood up for me and I owed it to *him*, not Mary, him -  to help get him away from those crazy fools."

You fidgeted slightly next to him. You wanted to believe him, but he seemed to be avoiding the main topic of conversation.

   "So say I believe you about your reasonings for helping her…why did you keep a picture of her?"

Silence filled the air for a second before he simply answered. "I shoved it in there so you wouldn't have to keep lookin' at it when we lay together...and I guess I forgot all 'bout it."

You looked away as more tears fell down your cheeks. Gently placing his hand under your chin, Arthur turned your face to face his, looking deep into your eyes he told you, 

   "You’re overthinking – I’m yours. That’s all I want to be.”

   "Prove it." You pleaded.

   "Okay then...this should show you she's nothin' to me now." He took the broken frame from your grasp and carefully removed the picture from the frame, lingering for a moment before crumpling it up in his hand and walking towards the campfire.

Though his stride was purposeful, you couldn't help but feel he faltered once more as he looked at the flames, but those fears disappeared as he turned to look back at you with a warmth in his eyes and a smile stretching wide across his face. Looking straight at you, his hand opened and the picture fell into the flames, where it lay for a few moments as it slowly rendered into nothing but a pile of ashes.

Making his way back over to you, he picked you up and spun you around his arms.

   "I'm all yours...are you mine?"

Bonus scene: Arthur's POV

He slowly removed the picture from the frame, partly being careful not to cut himself on broken shards of glass and partly because he wanted to make sure he was making the right decision. He was convinced that after Mary called it all off between them, he'd never smile, let alone love again. But then you'd walked into his life and brought light back into the darkness he'd found himself in.

But maybe there was a reason he'd held on to this photograph for all this time - a reminder of the good times that existed between them. Heartbreak has a funny way of erasing those memories, but seeing the woman you once considered the love of your life in person has an equally funny way of making those feelings rush back.

But no, the heartache he'd felt for all these years outweighed the fleeting moments of happiness he'd felt with Mary. And that kiss on the cheek to say goodbye that she'd given him at the train station? It certainly didn't give him butterflies like it used too. Looking at her image one last time, he crumpled it up and walked over to the campfire.

Though he had confidently strode over to flames, he once more had doubts he was right to finally let Mary go. Turning to face you, everything suddenly became very clear in Arthur's mind. Everything he ever wanted: someone who loved the group of people he considered family, as well as loving him for the man he was - despite his faults, someone who was willing to stick with him through thick and thin, make him laugh when he was down, and never fail to make him smile, that special someone he wanted to grow old with with...he already had that with you.

Without thinking, he opened his hand and let the battered photograph waft downwards, enveloped by the flames and turning to nothingness as he made his way back over to you, picking you up and spinning you around his arms.

   "I'm all yours...are you mine?"

[mrepstein]

The Beatles Book Monthly (No. 5, December 1963)

‘A TALE OF FOUR BEATLES’ by Billy Shepherd

PART IV (PART I // PART II // PART III)

Part IV opens in June, 1961 and charts Brian Epstein's early involvement with the Beatles.

And so the Beatles, with two experience-garnering trips to Germany behind them, got back to Liverpool. A swingin’ scene... and they were very much a part of it. It was the end of June, 1961.

But though they liked having more money to spend, they hadn’t the foggiest idea of just how much they were worth. The offers came in. Anything between £6 and £14 was the pay-packet, to be shared between Messrs. Lennon, McCartney, Harrison and drummer Pete Best.

“We just didn’t know,” admits George. “We loved the work, the excitement. We didn’t realise we were often being exploited. But it was hard work and somehow we didn’t seem to have much money in the kitty after we’d kept our equipment up to scratch...”

July, 1961, could go down as a summit meeting in Merseybeat history. A steamy, summery, shimmery night at Litherland Town Hall. A young promoter named Brian Kelly announced his attraction: The Beatmakers.

George Harrison was on lead guitar. Paul McCartney on rhythm. John Lennon on piano. Drummers were Pete Best and Freddie Marsden. Les Maguire operated on saxophone, Les Chadwick on bass guitar - and Gerry Marsden nipped on and off behind a big grin to take the vocals.

Gerry and the Pacemakers and the Beatles had linked up. For one night only and for a fee which is the smallest fraction of what they’d command for such a show now.

It led to friendships between the group members... but it didn’t seem to be leading to that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for the Beatles.

Says John: “We went on knocking ourselves out night after night but somehow there was a bit of frustration creeping in to it all. It didn’t seem to be leading anywhere.”

But the audiences were greatly appreciative.

Says Paul: “We started accepting dates further south. We got pretty near London on some of them. No change of material for us - still the stuff that went down so well in Germany. But we were veering away from the leather gear. Don’t make this sound big-headed, but the fact is that a lot of other groups were copying the way we looked on stage. So we changed to more ordinary clothes for a while.”

But in September, depression set in. Paul and John took themselves off to Paris for a holiday. They remember being flat broke. Remember having to search through every pocket to rake up enough francs for a Coke. Now, of course, they can go where they please and not count the cost.

And George and Pete stayed on in Liverpool, virtually lost to the Beat scene. Ray McFall, owner of the Cavern Club remembers seeing Messrs. Harrison and Best around the lunch-time sessions but they seemed dispirited. They took a lot of persuading even to join in on the impromptu roar-ups.

Let well-known Liverpool show compere Bob Wooler fill in the background to this black spot in the Beatles’ history.

“I’ve known the boys since the early days. I’ve been a long-time admirer. What they really needed was a manager in those far-off days. They seemed content not to argue about the fees they were offered. And they didn’t seem to realise that they were pulling in crowds on the strength of their own name and performance.

“After all, they had to live. They had to look after their equipment - and they often had travelling expenses to pay. It’s all very well being popular and enjoying your work, but you should be paid what you’re worth as well.

“Ray McFall at the Cavern was different. If the crowd was good, he upped the fee. That’s why the boys have always been so loyal to the Cavern. But you can understand them being puzzled at the lack of hard cash from their other venues where they were so often doubling the attendances.”

Paul and John were meanwhile spending a lot of time on their song-writing. You’ll see how much they’d already achieved in this direction as the story pushes on to the first recording days.

John and Paul could never sit down and simply write a song to order. They admit: “We have to wait for the ideas to arrive. It can happen anywhere. On a bus, or a train, or backstage at a dance-hall or theatre. Sometimes the title suggests itself first. Then we get going on the words and music. Sometimes we’ve finished a very successful seller in less than an hour.”

But their most pressing need was for a manager. Paul has told me “When we first started on paid jobs, we honestly thought we weren’t manageable. We thought nobody would want to bother with us. We were a pretty off-beat bunch of characters, to say the least. And we had a sense of humour which somehow involved us all and which was hardly in the interests of discipline. So, for a long time, we just didn’t take any notice of the advice that we should be properly handled. ‘Who’d WANT US,’ was the way we thought...

“And that’s where we were wrong...”

A MANAGER. Liverpool man Allan Williams took on the chore for a while... he now runs the Blue Angel Club on Merseyside.

But the man who was to make show business history with the Beatles knew nothing about the group in that September of 1961. That man, of course, was Brian Epstein, one-time drama student, member of a family which owned a chain of furniture and radio-TV stores in Liverpool.

He was not exactly WITH the beat scene. But he WAS in touch with the public taste through his work in the record department of the stores. He’d been there for five years, building up the business, enlarging the staff roster and increasing the turnover.

And in September, 1961, he was a puzzled man. Fans kept approaching him with: “Have you any records by the Beatles?” Brian mused. Pondered. Wondered. One young lad was particularly persistent in his demands. Brian dug deep into the record-lists. And found reference to that “My Bonnie” single, recorded in Germany, on which the Beatles played a strictly supporting role to guitar-star Tony Sheridan.

“I became Beatle-conscious for a while,” he says. “I always tried to work on the theory that the customer was right - and if they wanted the Beatles, well... I’d do my best to supply the Beatles. Eventually I traced the source and ordered some 200 copies for the record-stores. They sold quickly...

“Then out of the blue I heard they were Liverpool boys, had a rapidly-growing following - and were actually playing in a club near the store. It was a place that I’m sure I’d visited before, a sort of teenage gathering-place, but I really didn’t know much about it.

“After a while, I thought I’d better pop down there and see what all the fuss was about.”

Brian Epstein went to the Cavern. Met the Beatles. And things really started happening for the ambitious but not-too-sure group.

There are two ways of looking at this near-historic meeting. Brian Epstein’s. And the Beatles’ viewpoint.

Beatles first. Said George: “He started talking to us about the record that had created the demand. We didn’t know much about him but he seemed very interested in us and also a little bit baffled.

“He came back several times and talked to us. It seemed there was something he wanted to say, but he wouldn’t come out with it. He just kind of watched us and studied what we were doing. One day, he took us to the store and introduced us. We thought he looked rather red and embarrassed about it all.

“Eventually, he started talking about becoming our manager. Well, we hadn’t really had anybody actually VOLUNTEER in that sense. At the same time, he was very honest about it all - you know, like saying he didn’t really know anything about managing a group like us. He sort of hinted that he was keen if we’d go along with him...”

Brian, quite honestly, thought that the Beatles looked a mess. He wondered what exactly they thought they were trying to be. Their strange jackets, the rather scruffy jeans, the hair-styles, which could only have been styled on something called “chaos.”

“But there was something enormously attractive about them,” he recalls. “I liked the way they worked and the obvious enthusiasm they put into their numbers. People talk about the Liverpool sound but I sometimes wonder what exactly they mean. These boys put everything into their routines but they didn’t use echo. That struck me as being a very good thing.

“It was the boys themselves, though, who really swung it. Each had something which I could see would be highly commercial if only someone could push it to the top. They were DIFFERENT characters but they were so obviously part of the whole. Quite frankly, I was excited about their prospects, provided some things could be changed.”

And Brian told his friends: “This could easily turn out to be the biggest show business attraction since Elvis Presley.” It’s a tribute to his foresight and intuition that that is precisely what has happened.

Brian decided to get the boys together at a round-table conference at his store. A time was fixed and the boys agreed. But Beatles are not always the easiest of people to organise. Brian sat waiting... and waiting... and waiting. He was trying to cope with the vastly complex figures of Christmas orders for the store and minutes were precious to him.

Eventually THREE Beatles arrived. George, John and Pete. No Paul. Story goes that Brian got George to ring through and see what had happened to the left-handed guitar-star. And that Paul admitted he was still in the bath... but wouldn’t be long!

Brian was rather on his high-horse. He felt it was not the right thing for someone who wanted to talk business to be kept waiting. He pointed out that Paul, the cherubic one of the four, would be extremely late. “Yes,” said George, forcing back a grin. “But he’ll also be extremely clean.”

Says Brian: “That sense of humour is invaluable. You could hardly feel annoyed at their lack of business ability. They were just four individual and off-beat characters.”

Prior to Brian taking such an interest, there was great concern among Cavern people that there was a chance of the Beatles packing in all thoughts of show business careers. Bob Wooler had tried hard to get BBC television producer Jack Good interested in the group. Jack had produced beat shows, like “Six-Five Special” which had been the stepping-stone to success for artistes like Cliff Richard. But Jack was also in demand in the States... and he’d gone there to further his own career long before Bob could get any decision from the telly-folk.

Brian, having eventually assembled all four Beatles in the same room, put his propositions to them. He went through a process of brain-washing, though he did it all very tactfully. He didn’t like their manner of dress. Wasn’t knocked out by the unruly hair-cuts. Was singularly unimpressed by the way they casually drank tea on stage while in the middle of shows.

He pleaded with them rather than ordered them. He knew they were a valuable property and he was knocked out at the way their personal following was growing through the Merseyside area.

Said John: “He’d tell us that jeans were not particularity smart and could we possibly manage to wear PROPER trousers. But he didn’t want us suddenly looking square. He let us have our own sense of individuality.”

He added: “We respected his views. We stopped champing at cheese rolls and jam butties on stage. We paid a lot more attention to what we were doing. Did our best to be on time. And we smartened up, in the sense that we wore suits instead of any sloppy old clothes.”

It was a master-plan. A long-term plan if necessary but it was aimed at making the most of four young men who clearly had that star quality in them... even though a recording contract was still more than nine months away.

Obviously, Brian Epstein’s main job was to get the group on record. He knew the strength of their popularity in Liverpool and he felt it wouldn’t be a hard job to interest some of the London companies. But that was where Brian was wrong.

He even delayed any sort of action until the results of the 1961 “Mersey Beat Poll” were announced. That came up at the end of the year. And the Beatles were high and dry in top place in this important survey of how the public felt about the myriad groups operating in the scene. Said Brian: “I thought this was the ‘Open Sesame’ to the recording scene. I felt that Liverpool was important enough to have London executives falling about to sign the boys. I was wrong...”

Brian, though technically still in charge of important parts of the family business, threw himself into the job of getting the Beatles known nationally. He had the backing of the Beatles’ parents and it was to be no holds barred for the major break through.

He started visiting London. Hopefully. Optimistically. But record executives showed an alarming tendency to register non-committal gloom. Brian had to keep reporting apparent failure to the boys - by now riding higher than ever in popular acclaim in Liverpool.

Cont’d next month in No. 6

[lovejustforaday]

Sonic Youth Albums Ranked (Part 3)

6. Sister (1987)

Main Genres: Noise Rock, Alternative Rock, Post-Punk

A decent sampling of: Experimental Rock

This is the first LP in the Sonic Youth discography accessible enough to be labelled a true ‘Alternative Rock’ record. It’s still rough around the edges, but Sister is full of catchy hooks and thrilling guitar sounds. I feel like this record and Daydream Nation probably went on to spawn at least 200 new alternative rock bands by the time the 90s came around (not that I was there to see it or anything, just speculation).

Sister deserves a lot of credit for solidifying on tracks like “Catholic Block” and “Stereo Sanctity” what would become the dominant formula for the band’s sound throughout most of the rest of their discography. I think that's part of the reason why this is Sonic Youth’s second most acclaimed and beloved record. Perhaps some fans would even be downright offended that I only put this at #6 on the list, but trust me when I say that this is only because the band has made so many fantastic records. In fact, for most bands, this would easily be their greatest record.

I can still remember the first time I heard the opening to “Schizophrenia”, I had never heard anything quite like it. The guitars sound upbeat yet worn out and dejected, making me feel isolated and almost spiritually weak when I listen to this track, yet somehow also comforted. The song is partially inspired by Kim’s older brother who has schizophrenia, though the roles are reversed in this song with a brother whose sister is schizophrenic. It’s a deeply fascinating and memorable piece, and I can see why many fans consider this to be a top five Sonic Youth track.

Most of the rest of Sister is very scratchy and punkish with some very tight guitar work, like “Catholic Block” which boasts one of my favourite melodic riffs in the Sonic Youth canon. There’s also “Hot Wire My Heart”, another major highlight and a cover of the obscure British punk band Crime, where Sonic Youth takes their song and upgrades the guitars and drums while also adding a bold wall of feedback at the end.

Then there’s “Pacific Coast Highway”, a completely sickening song and one of Kim’s very finest moments as a lyricist and vocalist. This haunting noise rock jumble tells the story of either a unhinged stranger, or perhaps a resentful ex-lover, who is obsessively catcalling the listener from their car, with the not-so-subtle implication that you’re all by yourself somewhere and that this person intends to harm you. I have no idea if this was written about a personal experience, but I do know from listening to their voices that this is something many women have either gone through or live in perpetual fear of. Seriously fucked up stuff, but also one of Sonic Youth’s very best tracks.

"Cotton Crown” is an odd one out in the Sonic Youth discography; an uncharacteristically sincere but still off-kilter love song that Kim and Thurston sing as a duet. Their voices are a bit out of tune with each other, but i think that honestly fits the Sonic Youth aesthetic and it’s sweet in its own quirky way, although very bittersweet decades later with hindsight about the fate of their relationship. Sort of a noise rock lullaby almost, maybe even with hints of early shoegaze.

Sister does a really good job of taking the seemingly juxtaposing ideas of the ‘fun’ and the ‘grotesque’ and fuses them together. This album is both largely exciting and still somehow alienating and depressive. It’s textbook Sonic Youth, really. I will say that the best tracks are clustered together with a noticeably weaker middle portion, but really this is still a consistently great record throughout. Altogether, Sister is one of the many entries in the band’s discography from 1986 through 1990 where Sonic Youth could basically do no wrong. A classic record.

9/10

highlights: “Pacific Coast Highway”, “Schizophrenia”, ‘Catholic Block”, “Cotton Crown”, “Hot Wire My Heart”, “Beauty Lies in the Eye”

5. A Thousand Leaves (1998)

Main Genres: Noise Rock, Experimental Rock

A decent sampling of: Alternative Rock, Post-Rock, Neo-Psychedelia

I’m just gonna say this now: A Thousand Leaves is by far Sonic Youth’s most underrated record. It’s also the last truly amazing record that the band ever put out. Maybe it’s just the bizarre choice of an album cover that turns people off of this LP. Really, what the hell were they going for here with the minimalist hamster vibes? The beautiful title really suggests something a lot more visually stunning.

In all seriousness though, I feel like nobody talks about this one because it’s overshadowed by its predecessor Washing Machine, but if there’s one area that this record exceeds above all other Sonic Youth LPs, it’s that it perfectly captures that mellow feeling that the later Sonic Youth albums were inclined towards. Not a lot of Sonic Youth records put me at ease like this one does.

Likewise, this is maybe the most ‘feel-good’ record in their discography along with Murray Street. But where Muray Street is something you could put on in the background and enjoy pretty modestly, A Thousand Leaves is a largely experimental, out-of-body experience that pulls you into its surreal, flowery, evergreen world.

“Contre Le Sexism” is a perfect opener for this kind of record; this quiet daze of a waking dream is both dainty and delirious, alluding to Alice in Wonderland with Kim’s vocals never before sounding so gentle and bright. I swear I start to hear a door creak at the end. Maybe that’s the sound of stepping out into the rest of A Thousand Leaves.

What follows immediately after is “Sunday” which is actually one of the band’s poppiest moments, making it somewhat of an outlier on this highly avant-garde and immersive record. But the warm spring vibes of the melody fits right in. The wall of sound introduced during the bridge is a soft mesmerizing bliss more akin to a band like My Bloody Valentine, if not for the tiny distant screeches of atonality whirling around here and there. As a big fan of both bands, I’m all for this kind of sound.

“Wildflower Soul” is easily one of the best things Sonic Youth has ever written. Endless amounts of creativity are poured into this nine minute noise rock acrobatics performance along with a lyrical ode to love, nature, and childhood. The vibes of this one are really quite jaw-dropping given the fact that these are the same guys who wrote “Schizophrenia” and “Death Valley ‘69″. There’s such unison and harmony in the band’s performance here as they switch between different bpm and even time signatures, and the usage of the heavy phaser effect towards the end sounds nothing short of godlike. "Wildflower Soul” almost feels like an entire album experience in one song, and I’m beyond impressed every time I listen to it.

This makes for a hard act to follow, but A Thousand Leaves still has plenty of other highlights. “French Tickler” is a strange and satisfying track that switches back and forth between a playful melody and churning, stretchy distortion. “Karen Koltrane” is a murky but textured portrait of Lee Renaldo’s ex-girlfriend, who got addicted to hallucinogens and became heavily withdrawn from the rest of the world. “Snare, Girl” is a soothing spell where Thurston sounds like he’s trying to coax the listener into a never-ending slumber.

My only real complaint here is “Hits of Sunshine (For Allen Ginsberg)”, a lackadaisical jam session that sounds cool enough, but really overstays its welcome given the lack of development it achieves over its eleven minute run time. It’s a nice piece to vibe to, but it very noticeably disrupts the album’s flow. Take this one track away entirely, or even just edit it down severely, and this would probably be a 10/10 record for me.

Still, wow what a cool album. A Thousand Leaves is a great example of why I respect this band so much. Even this late into their career, Sonic Youth were willing to try so many new bizarre things while also building judiciously upon the foundations of their past work with great attention to detail. I wouldn’t recommend most people start with this one, it’s definitely a bit more challenging especially if you haven’t listened to some other really weird experimental rock records. But once you’re in the right headspace for it, it’s easy to get almost completely lost in A Thousand Leaves.

9/10

highlights: “Wildflower Soul”, “Sunday”, “French Tickler”, “Karen Koltrane”, “Snare, Girl”, “Contre Le Sexism”, “Heather Angel”

4. Goo (1990)

Main Genres: Noise Rock, Alternative Rock

A decent sampling of: Experimental Rock, Post-Punk

Goo was my very first Sonic Youth album, and I can definitely still feel some of the old teenage angst that I had at the time whenever I listen to this one. What probably adds to that feeling is the fact that this along with Daydream Nation is one of the two albums in the band’s discography that I’d say possesses a great deal of immediacy. Albums like Sister and A Thousand Leaves are a bit more subtle and they take a while to be fully digested. But this one, this one hit me like a brick wall.

Between “Tunic (Song For Karen)”, “Kool Thing”, and “Cinderella’s Big Score”, Goo is above all others the Sonic Youth record where Kim Gordon is really the star of the band, featuring not one but three of her most captivating songs. Likewise, I would also say that this is Sonic Youth’s most overtly feminist and socially conscious record.

I don’t know if anybody else feels this way, but to me the opener “Dirty Boots” really does sound like “Teen Age Riot” part 2. That’s not a bad thing of course, Sonic Youth making more songs like “Teen Age Riot” could never be a bad thing, and “Dirty Boots” is definitely one of the highlights of Goo with its massive build up of kinetic energy. That being said, I do have to say that I don’t think any song could do this particular kind of album opener better than “Teen Age Riot” already does it, but I still really do enjoy “Dirty Boots”.

“Tunic (Song For Karen)” is one of Sonic Youth’s most poetic and poignant songs. Kim’s sing-talking voice is even more solemn than usual as she takes on a surreal retelling of the final days of drummer/pop star pioneer Karen Carpenter from her perspective, highlighting the severity of her loneliness and the criminal negligence of many of the people around her who let her succumb to her eating disorder. Set to a backdrop of stark and droning alternative rock, I would say that this is possibly the band’s most depressing moment and certainly one of the biggest statements that they ever made.

A lot of the rest of Goo is actually pretty fun though. “Kool Thing” features Chuck D on guest vocals, and its a funny sarcastic take down of the subjugation of women’s voices in supposedly liberated spaces like the world of rock and hip hop, inspired by the time Kim interviewed L.L. Cool J and attempted to have a political conversation. The song mocks L.L.’s attitude towards women while also poking fun at Kim’s own self-perceived elitism. There’s also “Mote”, a sensational head rush that dissolves into noise rock weird-isms, sorta recreating the feeling of going from buzzed to totally black out.

“Mildred Pierce” is almost a practical joke but I kind of love the hell out of it anyway. A short track with lyrics consisting only of the song’s title, it starts with the band getting into a nice little riff before (without warning) bursting into a hardcore punk cacophony as Thurston screams the name over and over into the listener’s ears. Made me jump the first time I heard it.

And then there’s “Cinderella’s Big Score”. If “Schizophrenia” vaguely hinted at Kim’s estranged relationship with her older brother, then “Cinderella’s Big Score” confronts it dead on. Featuring some of the band’s most totally insane and disfigured guitar work ever, this song sounds harsh and militant, like the dawn of a nuclear cataclysm. It’s very hard to believe that Kim is 37 years old here; she reverts to sounding exactly like a hurt teenage little sister, rebelling against her childhood trauma and lashing out at her brother’s past bullying and now his cold indifference towards her.

The song grapples with some very painful emotions, but the experience is raw and cathartic. “Cinderella’s Big Score” is definitely somewhere in Sonic Youth’s top 10 tracks for me; it just doesn’t get any realer than this. Honestly, the record could’ve ended here. I like “Titanium Expose” enough as a closer, but this would’ve made a really powerful and lasting impression to end the album.

Despite that, Goo is an excellent Sonic Youth record that demonstrates just how much the band had mastered their craft after a decade of making all sorts of noises. Obviously I’m biased since it was my own first Sonic Youth record, but I really do feel like this is the very best place to start with the band. Goo is one of their more melodic and accessible offerings, but it’s also one of their most provocative records and it really captures the essence of Sonic Youth’s identity.

9/10

highlights: “Cinderella’s Big Score”, “Tunic (Song For Karen)”, “Mote”, “Kool Thing”, “Dirty Boots”, ‘Mildred Pierce”

3. EVOL (1986)

Main Genres: Noise Rock, Experimental Rock, Post-Punk

A decent sampling of: No Wave, Alternative Rock

If Bad Moon Rising was bleak and desolate, than EVOL is disturbed, uncanny, and deeply paranoid. Sonic Youth’s third record evokes the feeling of being all alone at midnight on a sketchy highway, complete with mental images of flickering street lights and looming shadowy figures. I mentioned earlier that I have to be in the right mood to enjoy Bad Moon Rising, but this record puts me in the right mood almost instantly whenever I put it on.

EVOL isn’t exactly a no wave album like their first two records. The highly experimental influence is still there, but the arrangements are starting to sound fuller and more intentional.

You could say that this LP marks somewhat of a transitional phase between Sonic Youth the no wave band and Sonic Youth the alternative rock band, and in many respects it has the best of both worlds. There’s a few catchy darker alternative rock songs here and there, sandwiched between tracks that could best be described as ‘mad scientist’ music, which altogether creates a varied and unique album experience.

“Tom Violence“ immediately establishes the tone of EVOL with crooked, scraping flashes of post-punk guitars. This track reminds me of heads hung low, bodies slouched uncomfortably, and the feeling of being completely wide awake at 2:00 am. There’s something very unfriendly that lurks beneath the dissonance of these sounds.

If “Tom Violence” is uneasy, then “Shadow of A Doubt” is an auditory nightmare, managing to capture something akin to the fear of being watched by an unknown stranger hiding in the shadows. Notes are gently plucked like icy cold fingers slowly crawling up the listener’s back while Kim whispers about murder plots and oneirophrenia. The “just a dream” lyrical motif is first uttered reassuringly, but eventually turns into a desperate plea as Kim begins to shout frantically and the music intensifies.

The album dials down the spook factor a few notches with “Starpower” and “In The Kingdom #19″. The former is an early example of Sonic Youth’s ability to combine melodic hooks with meandering chaos that would become refined on the next few LPs, while the latter features Lee’s first solo vocals (and one of his best performances) reciting a lucid, jet black vision of a car accident. Thurston threw firecrackers into the recording studio when they did Lee’s vocals on this track and you can hear it in the recording, and just like “Mildred Pierce” it really caught me off guard the first time I heard it.

“Secret Girl” is the scariest fucking thing in the whole Sonic Youth discography, and also just one of the scariest songs I’ve ever heard. It starts with a deep shuddering thud that sounds like it’s getting closer and closer. Then out of nowhere, a cassette-recording of an old detuned piano starts to play a simple, unnerving refrain while Kim offers a cryptic and uncomfortably suggestive spoken word piece. It feels like a scene that might play out in a horror film, where a television screen comes on by itself and the person on the screen begins to talk directly to the viewer.

Finally, there’s “Expressway To Yr Skull” (alternatively titled “Madonna, Sean, and Me”), which would be my #1 Sonic Youth album closer if not for the #1 album on this list. That being said, this song is still one of the biggest highlights of the band’s career. "Expressway To Yr Skull” starts off restless and spectacular, leading up to an utterly earth-shaking climax, and then it’s as if the song promptly dies, only to become a lingering undead entity that pulls you down with it. I still can’t get over how the ending really manages to sound like it’s dragging you down further and further into its barren depths.

To add to that, there’s actually a locked groove on the original vinyl release of this LP that plays the last little bit of “Expressway To Yr Skull”, meaning that if you let the needle sit there, it will forever loop that last little bit of droning at the end of the track. I really appreciate this little detail; it’s as if the pervasive darkness of EVOL is so encompassing that it could turn into a deep midnight that never ends.

EVOL is honestly so close to being a 10 for me, but just like Sister I find that it is decently weaker towards the middle. Still, I’m absolutely enamored with the atmosphere on this album. No gothic rock record has ever managed to sound so deeply unsettling to my ears like this little experimental record does. You really just have to experience this one for yourself. Honestly, don’t be surprised if in a year or two I’ve changed my mind and bumped this one to a 10.

9/10

highlights: “Expressway To Yr Skull”, “Shadow Of A Doubt”, “Tom Violence”, “Secret Girl”, “In The Kingdom #19″, “Starpower”

[orsuliya]

... the evil cousin in the book tried to "seduce" Xiao Qi even before the arranged marriage in Hulan? What was exactly her plan? Did her and her evil mum really think Awu could accept this shit?

Anyway I'm happy that Awu here is more aware of her own insecurities. She already knows about her health problems and deals with it with her own terms. Qianer's affair made her more frustrated and conscious about her own position. She is really jealous but jealousy isn't the real problem here.....she knows her husband isn't interested at all about Qianer, she doesn't doubt on his fidelity but this doesn't change the reality. Xiao Qi can accept to have a wife who can't give him sons, but the society can't. Her enemies won't never stop to use this weakness to ruin their peace or to try to usurp her position, and she can't live like this.

It's not because she doesn't trust her husband, she knows his heart but her fears are still realistic.....She even feels guilty towards him because he's giving up to have precious heirs! And no other man would do the same. (She includes even Zitan, lolololol)

That's why she tried everything to get pregnant, not only because of maternal instincts *_*

(So sorry for the long post‼️)

Hey, that plan wasn't so bad! In fact, I propose it was far more sensible than their drama shenanigans, which had little rhyme or reason. But then, that's what you get when you accept drugs from Xie Wanru.

The book establishes two things. One, Awu's aunt has an axe to grind with the main branch of the Wang clan as Wang Kai, her sole biological child, died while Turnip Wang survived and thrived. This made her resent the main branch in general and Awu's other aunt in particular. And what an excellent revenge would it be to see her own Qian'er - a daughter from a concubine no less! - lord it over the oh so high and mighty Wang Xuan in her own house! Two, childless women are vulnerable. So much so that Awu's aunt sees nothing wrong with giving Pei'er, Qian'er's sickly elder half-sister, two maids with the express purpose for using them as breeders, should Pei'er have trouble with bearing children for her new husband. Huanmi, also not a shining example of health, came to her marriage accompanied by four concubines, although we don't know the exact reason for that.

What's more, there's nothing to suggest that book!Qian'er was the toast of Langya. In fact, the aunt's total lack of resistance to the idea of marrying Pei'er off to another province - which Awu notes as somewhat suspect - combined with her general behaviour and what she says about her hometown, makes me wonder how good their situation really was. They have their name and that name is exactly what nets Pei'er a marriage into one of Jiangnan's preeminent clans... But would she rate this match if it wasn't for the pressing need to patch up political relationships with Jiangnan aristocracy via a double marriage: Turnip to Shen Lin, Pei'er to Wu Jun. Why, Pei'er is furnished with the title of Xuanning Princess, which screams of a peace marriage. Unless another peace marriage comes along, what kind of match might Qian'er expect for herself?

Well, I can tell you what kind of match she wouldn't be expecting and that is one to a man of Xiao Qi's standing, at least not as his main wife. By the time this whole mess happens he's the single most powerful man in Cheng. A glaringly childless one with no women other than his main wife. No other women = no competition. By the local standards this is not something that happens very often: Turnip's concubine count is in double digits, Song Huaien takes some at the first opportunity, I mean, who doesn't have a few concubines in their family? Well, except imperial brothers-in-law whose previous ones died in exceptionally tragic circumstances.

Since there's no competition, the only thing that Qian'er would need to do is to get with child. She bears the heir, her status goes sky-high. Especially since it doesn't look like the main wife is going to procreate any time soon. In the book it's been years and years and still nothing. And really, why should Awu be against this whole enterprise? Better a Wang girl than a stranger, right?

That Xiao Qi is Xiao Qi is another matter altogether. By the way, while in the drama his insistence on monogamy seems motivated solely by his love for Awu, it is not the case in the book. Or rather it is, but not quite, see: his tragic backstory. His aversion to having children with anybody but his main wife dates from before their marriage and is motivated by his childhood. Seeing as his mother was from a disgraced family and didn't even rate the status of a concubine, which made Xiao Qi's birth something of a disgrace, and that he ran the moment his father breathed his last... Yeah, I suspect life in the Guangling Xiao clan wasn't exactly all rainbows for a boy of comparatively low rank. Our general is simply too smart to replicate a losing strategy!

And yes, Awu's fears are entirely too grounded in reality. Sure, she believes Xiao Qi won't be faithless and it's clear that in the absence of the Re-do Wedding he must have made some sort of announcement, otherwise how come the whole country knows that their Regent doesn't accept concubines? But still, he's not the one that will feel the societal pressure and not the one who faces the rather bleak prospect of becoming a childless widow. Awu is the one who will be branded a failure if this situation persists any longer. But you know what, there is every possibility Xiao Qi might have enough power to shut everybody's mouths. Except.

Except that in the book there is one other factor that makes having children a must. Xiao Qi has been gunning for that throne for years and he's just a few steps away from his goal. The problem is this: how does one establish a new dynasty with no heirs in sight? Childlessness rather invalidates this whole enterprise and Awu is just as invested as Xiao Qi; why, at one point he gives her an out and still she tells him to go for it. This whole desperate trying for children is less about maternal feelings and more about building legacy. Which, taking their imperial ambitions into account, rapidly becomes a matter of national stability. It's already a miracle that Xiao Qi got away with abolishing the imperial system of six palaces with only a single male heir; I suspect it was nowhere near painless nor widely accepted. Without that male heir? Ooof, it simply doesn't bear thinking about!

[mst3kproject]

The Monster Maker

I could have sworn J. Carroll Naish was on MST3K at some point but the only thing I can find from his filmography that has appeared on this blog is Dracula vs Frankenstein, in which he played Dr. D'Ray.  Not that it matters.  The Monster Maker's producer, Sigmund Neufeld, also brought us MST3K feature The Mad Monster, and writer Sam Newfield penned both that film and I Accuse my Parents (not to mention the world's only all-midget cowboy musical, Terror of Tiny Town), but mostly I'm watching this movie because... well, you know, it sucks.

I know what you're thinking, and as far as I can tell, no, Sigmund Neufeld and Sam Newfield are not the same guy who's just bad at pseudonyms.

Anthony Lawrence is one of the world's greatest pianists, but with a concert tour finished he's looking forward to relaxing and spending some time with his daughter Patricia and her fiance Bob.  Sadly, this is not to be, as Patricia has come to the attention of Dr. Igor Markov, who believes her to be the reincarnation of his dead wife Leonora.  He spends weeks harassing poor Pat, until her father storms over to Markov's office to tell him where he can shove his attentions. Little does Lawrence know he's walking into a trap.  Markov has been experimenting on animals in his basement, and if Lawrence doesn't hand over Patricia, the next syringe is for him!

I have mixed feelings about this movie.  It surprisingly subverts several tropes of the mad scientist movie, including some it deliberately sets up only to pull the rug out from under them, resulting in a surprisingly happy ending.  On the other hand, it does this in ways that aren't always very satisfying, and its treatment of the disabled is frightful.

For an illustrative example, let's take Dr. Markov's caged gorilla.  The movie never tells us why he has a caged gorilla.  He says it's vital to his work but we never see him do anything much with it... I assume it's there because the caged gorilla was a standard part of the mad scientist lab equipment in the 1940s and 50s.  The only time we see him interact with it is when he sets it loose in the middle of the night to murder his traitorous assistant, Maxine, who had threatened to go to the police.  We cut to the gorilla back in its cage the next morning, and we assume Maxine is dead – only to have her walk in and tell us that her protective dog drove the gorilla back to the lab.

This is kind of a fun moment, not only because it's a surprise but because everything in it was set up, not just the gorilla but the animosity between it and the dog.  It also enables the eventual happy ending – after Markov is killed, Patricia worries that nobody else will be able to help her father. However, Maxine is familiar with Markov's work, and assures her that Lawrence will be just fine with a few weeks of treatment.  That's all quite nice for a mad scientist movie of this vintage!  It's also interesting in that it tells us these tropes were around to be subverted – that audiences in 1944 had already seen enough stupid mad scientist movies to know that the gorilla is supposed to kill the traitorous assistant and that the ending is supposed to be a tragedy.

The problem is that this leaves the gorilla with no reason to be in the movie at all besides to fake us out.  It ultimately has no effect on the plot whatsoever other than to establish Markov as a bastard, which by now we already knew.  You cannot put Chekov's Gorilla in a cage in act one, wave it around in act two before putting it back with a 'psych!', and then not have it break somebody's neck in act three.  It still has to do something, or you're just being a tease.

The fact that Maxine is able to cure Lawrence speaks to the fact that The Monster Maker is surprisingly respectful of its women.  Maxine is quite intelligent and knows her love for Markov is self-destructive, but feels she has devoted too much of her life to him to leave him now.  Patricia is a less substantial character, but her father treats her with great respect – when Markov demands Patricia in exchange for a cure, Lawrence continues to refuse even after the mad doctor has robbed him of his friends, his passion, and his career.  Pat's fiance Bob has fewer principles, as he repeatedly lies to her in the belief that he is protecting her from the truth, but this too is presented as the wrong thing to do and I hope we're meant to believe Bob learns from it. The screenwriters' general attitude seems to be that women should be allowed to make up their own minds about things.

Markov, as the villain, is also the movie's misogynist, and this is in no way subtle.  He wants to marry Patricia because she resembles Leonora – and that's it.  Her personality, her background, and her wishes mean nothing to him.  All he cares about is her face.  What she represents to him is an attempt to undo the wrong he did to Leonora herself.  We eventually learn that Leonora left him for another man, and in revenge he injected her with his monster juice.  He had hoped that her new love would leave her because she was no longer beautiful, but in fact Leonora committed suicide because she couldn't stand to look at herself in the mirror.

This tends to make one wonder what would have happened if Leonora had tried to crawl back to Markov.  At the time this happened, he didn't yet have a cure for his creations.  Would he have gone on to find one sooner in order to help her?  Or would he, too, have rejected her now that she was ugly?  I kind of suspect the latter.  He's only sorry about any of this because she died.  He wanted her back less than he wanted her to live in misery, knowing that without her looks she would have no value.

Interestingly, this also applies somewhat to Lawrence.  As his condition progresses, he locks himself in his room and puts records on so that nobody will realize he is now unable to play the piano... but he also keeps the lights off and refuses to admit anybody, too ashamed to show his face.  Ugliness apparently makes both sexes unfit company for the rest of us.

Markov himself speaks with a German accent despite having a Russian name. He manages to be slightly less creepy than the Great Vorelli or Dr. Carlo Lombardi, but only because he never resorts to rape via hypnosis.  Upon realizing he has found a cure for a terrible disease, his first reaction is to triumphantly declare that he can charge whatever he wants for it... eighty years later, that's still depressingly relevant.

So all this is okay and at times fairly progressive for the 1940s, but now we have to get into The Monster Maker's attitude towards the disabled.  I've been a little cagey about exactly what it is Dr. Markov is doing to his victims, and you've probably been picturing some sort of mutagen that makes them go all lumpy and melty like that guy in Robocop. Unfortunately, no.  Remember acromegaly, the hormonal disorder that Richard Kiel and Rondo Hatton suffered from?  Yeah.  Markov has a bottle of it in his cupboard.

I don't know how you bottle acromegaly, but at least they did better than the people who made Tarantula and fucking spelled it right.

Acromegaly is not a cheerful diagnosis.  Lawrence's doctor tells him it's not fatal, but that isn't always true – a lot of sufferers, including Hatton, die from the complications.  It disfigures the head, hands, and feet, and would definitely be a devastating disease for a pianist... all of which makes it that much worse that this stupid movie keeps using the word 'monster'.  Lawrence even describes himself as such, comparing his situation to that of Frankenstein's Monster and declaring that he will similarly kill Markov for what he has done to him.  In the end he does exactly that, and the movie never addresses it on any level besides 'boy, good thing the bad guy is dead!'

This is probably because, clearly, the real monster Markov has made is himself... but that's subtext.  In the text, his monsters are his overgrown pigs and Anthony Lawrence.  I just blasted Tarantula for spelling the name of the condition incorrectly, but that movie at least did not even imply that its human acromegaliacs were 'monsters'.  They were in every way victims, even when their sufferings were as a result of experimenting on themselves.  Lawrence is also a victim, but the movie plays up the 'monster' idea in more than just the title: Lawrence's condition also makes him restless and prone to violence, as he repeatedly attacks Markov and at one point must be tied to a bed to prevent him doing so.  Markov suggests that this is a side effect of the hormonal problems, but Lawrence's own belief that he's becoming a 'monster' also appears to have something to do with it.

In the end, this movie is way too much like The Brute Man, in telling us that the ugly and disabled can never be an accepted part of society.  Hal Moffat was forced into the shadows, while Anthony Lawrence takes to them voluntarily, but for the same reason: ugliness is made for gawking at, not for normal relationships such as that between partners, or parents and children.  Fuck that.

[penclicksound]

“Willow” by Taylor Swift line by line Analysis

Welcome to a very elaborate analysis of the song “Willow” by Taylor Swift. My goal is to analyse all songs on Evermore, therefore creating an extensive but organised analysis of the whole album. A link will be provided when more song analysis are available.

Note: this is just my interpretation and in no way discards any other interpretation. I don’t claim my interpretation to be the “right” interpretation.

Please do not steal my words or ideas as your own or repost, but refer to me, when you talk about my ideas or post it somewhere else, thank you so much!

“I’m like the water when your ship rolled in that night

Rough on the surface, but you cut through like a knife”

The song kicks off with rough waters, which may equal to stormy waters. Taylor thus refers to herself as stormy waters, potentially thinking of herself or her life as chaotic or turbulent. A love interest then enters her life like a “boat”. This is an interesting metaphor, as Taylor has often referred to music as a “floating device” on a stormy sea (e.g. the piano in the Cardigan music video). Potentially, this means that she sees herself and her life as a stormy sea and the love interest enters her life as floating device (= the ship). Although the water seems rough, the love interest “cuts through” it “like a knife”, suggesting that underneath the surface, the water isn’t rough at all. This could mean that the love interests sees right through the stormy life/character of the singer and by doing that, enters the quiet part of her life/character. The ship/water metaphor is an ongoing metaphor throughout evermore (later: Gold Rush “eyes like sinking ships”).

 “And if it was an open-shut case

I never would’ve known from that look on your face”

An open shut case is a case “which is easily decided or solved because the facts are very clear” (collinsdictionary.com). This could mean that Taylor herself did not see the getting together with the love interest as an obvious thing that happened easily. She did not think of the issues that arise during the first period of dating and getting together as easily solved. And the look on the face of the love interest did not suggest he thought it was easy. Even if it was that easy to get together, she would have never guessed it.

 “Lost in your current like a priceless wine”

This is an interesting line, as it reverses positions. In the beginning, Taylor was the water and now the love interest is. Opposed to the love interest, she is not a ship that cuts through it, but instead she is lost in the waters. The priceless wine may be a reference to herself as being of high value, but the high value is lost in the relationship. It could also refer to the ships that sank while shipping wine, that then started aging in the sea, increasing in value only more. This would make more sense, as it could mean that while Taylor loses herself in her love interest, it only increases her personal value more. Aside from that, one may notice that Taylor uses “current” instead of “water”, perhaps referring to the actions and the course of life of the love interest, more than their personality. It also appears he is in control of the current, of the waters he’s in of he is. Taylor on the other hands, seems out of control, storming.

 “The more that you say, the less I know

Wherever you stray, I follow”

The more the love interests say, the less Taylor knows. This could mean that the love interest is very wise to Taylor, and therefore makes her feel unintelligent and discard old beliefs. It could however, also mean that the love interest is not making any sense when they’re speaking. Maybe they’re sending conflicting signals. This interpretation ties in with the upcoming lines “Now this is an open-shut case, I guess I should’ve known from the look on your face”. However, even though Taylor is not understanding what the person means (or possibly, what their intentions are), she will follow him wherever he goes. This ties in with the previous line: “lost in your current”. She is unable to separate from him, lost in his current, bound to follow him wherever he decides to go.

 “I’m begging for you to take my hand

Wreck my plans, that’s my man”

She then asks the love interests to take her hand. This could again refer to him as a floating device. She is lost, following him around in his stormy sea, and she’s begging him to take her hand, so she won’t get lost in his current. She’s also asking him to wreck her plans, possibly meaning that she’s confused and abandoning her own plans to follow him wherever he wants. She then goes on to say “that’s my man”, which has some sense of pride. Possibly she admires him for being her “current”, taking her everywhere and guiding her.

 “Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind”

This again ties in with the resemblance of the love interest to the “current”. He is in control of his life, deciding where to go, changing course and she will follow. Life bents to his wind. This is the first time the song title is named, so why did she chose a “willow” to equal life? A willow is often considered a beautiful tree, but also a sad tree (willow often means the “weeping willow”). This may mean that life is beautiful, but sad and weeping. All the same, the love interest is able to steer the beautiful and sad life.

 “Head on the pillow, I could feel your sneakin’ in”

Taylor is in her bed, possibly pretending to sleep, while the love interests sneaks up on her. This could mean that she felt like she was in “pause” in her life, sleeping, doing nothing or maybe just not being on guard, but vulnerable. The love interest sneaks into her life, but although Taylor is not on guard, she does know he is entering her life.

 “As if you were a mythical thing

Like you were a trophy or champion ring

But there was one prize I’d cheat to win”

He’s entering her life like he is a mythical thing, like he is not real. This may in a way refer to folklore. It is as though he isn’t real, but stories are told about him. Taylor then compares him to a trophy or a champion ring. Perhaps this line means that she sees him as something that people admire and desire to have, but nobody really ever wins. For example a Grammy is rarely won by anybody, it may feel rather mythical to many musicians. The love interest thus doesn’t seem real to her, but he is highly desired. She would even cheat to win him. Cheating could referring to cheating in a game (this ties in with the champion ring metaphor, such as taking dopamine to win a cycling race), but also cheating in a relationship (which ties in better with the fact that she’s talking about a love interest).

 “You know that my train could take you home

Anywhere else is hollow

I’m begging for you to take my hand

Wreck my plans, that’s my man”

After repeating the chorus, where she is again subject to his course of life, she then goes on to state that her train could take him home. This seems a lot more in control in this second chorus. She’s following him anywhere, but if he steps on her train, he’d go home. Perhaps this means that she will follow him, traveling anywhere, doing anything, but if he wants, he can come to her and she will take him home. She then states that anywhere besides home is hollow. This could mean that, yes, she will follow him anywhere, but she thinks it’s rather a waste, because she’d rather be home. Home could be referring to a familiar place, somewhere where there’s peace. She would follow him into the storm, but she’d rather be at home with him in peace. In this version of the chorus, her asking the love interest to take her hand, may mean the opposite of what it meant in the first version. In this version she’s begging him to let her control his route to take him home. Perhaps going home and staying in peace, however, wasn’t her original plan, as she does refer to it as wrecking her plans. She loves it though, as she again proudly states: “that’s my man”.

 “Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind

They count me out time and time again”

Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind

But I come back stronger than a ‘90s trend”

While he is completely in control of his beautiful and sad life, the people in Taylor’s life (“they”), keep counting her out, as though she’s no longer a part of the world/life. After stating again that he is in control of his life, she then takes control over hers and states that she “comes back stronger than a ‘90s trend”. This could mean that, in the beginning of the song, she felt out of control, following her love interest anywhere, unsure and confused, but now she’s back, and she’s stronger than ever.

 “Wait for the signal and I’ll meet you after dark

Show me the places where the others gave you scars”

Waiting for signals and meetings in the dark suggests there’s secrecy in the relationship. This could be because she is cheating (“there was one prize I’d cheat to win”) and therefore they have to meet secretly. In my view, however, it could also refer to some sense of darkness in the world and they have to built their relationship in secrecy to avoid other people from interfering (this could tie in with “they could me out time and time again”. It also interesting to note that the love interests enters her life in the nighttime (“your ship rolled in that night”), so perhaps they have always met during the nighttime in secrecy. It is also interesting to note the parallel this line has with Cruel Summer (album Lover track 2): “I snuck through the garden gate every night that summer just to seal my fate”, perhaps referring to the same type of secrecy and nighttime meetings. During the meeting in the dark, they tell each other everything, showing each other their scars and where they got them from. They get to know each other deeply, in secrecy.

 “Now this is an open-shut case

I guess I should’ve known from the look on your face

Every bait-and-switch was a work of art”

Then follows a slightly different version of the ending of the first verse, where she states that if it was an open-shut case, she never would’ve known. Now, however, she states that it in fact was an open-shut case and she should have known. Where at first, she thought that starting and building their relationship was a complex and uncertain thing and perhaps she wasn’t even sure her love interest wanted it, now she knows. It was clear as day and it was quickly and easily done. And apparently he was already aware of that, before she was. An interesting parallel can be drawn with Cruel Summer again, where she sings: “I love you, ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?/He looks up grinning like a devil”. This means – as is widely accepted among Taylor Swift listeners - he was already long aware she loved him and he was just playing along. She then goes on to state that every bait-and-switch was a work of art. A bait and switch is a “sales tactic that lures customers in with specific claims about the quality or low prices on items that turn out to be unavailable in order to upsell them or a similar, pricier item”. In this context it could mean that the love interest was pretending to be something he was not, therefore luring her into getting to know him. Then, as she dedicated herself to him, she stays with him, even though the costs are higher. In this case, I believe this is a “cheeky” comment, about him selling himself a player, but when she falls for it, she finds out he actually never intended to enter her life as a player, but as a life partner. So now, instead of just dedicating to a period of fun loving, she is in the relationship for life. There is, yet again, a parallel with Cruel Summer: “Bad, bad boy, shiny toy with a price, you know that I bought it”.

[painted-crow]

How would you sort the Homestuck characters?

...all of them? o.o

Well, let's try anyway :p

Sorting Homestuck

The human kids at least are easy enough, especially because they mirror their alpha/beta counterparts a lot.

John and Jane are double Badgers (John has some Lion secondary to him). I don't think anybody's surprised by these. John's MO playing the game is to wander around, take advice from his friends (and sometimes more questionable sources), and do stuff that seems like a good idea at the time. He's also a ridiculously nice person (too nice for his own good, if you ask Dave).

Jane is similar but she's more anxious than John, and she has some less healthy habits. We don't get as many active decisions from the alpha kids because their game is so messed up, unfortunately, and they're also under more stress but don't have much they can do about it. Still, it's not a stretch to Sort Jane as a double Badger.

Rose and Roxy are double Birds (though Rose has a LOT of Snake primary to her). Rose is pretty philosophical, but Roxy is the really obvious Claw primary here; her "should we even be playing this game" debate is solid evidence of that. Both of them have loud secondaries. Rose writes a game guide, then starts breaking stuff to figure out how it works, and she collects weird wizard tools and an entire entourage of consorts. Roxy has all kinds of lab equipment she uses on the regular.

The Strider boys are double Snakes. Both of them have very active classes and tend to roll with the game's weirdness. They prioritize themselves, they're protective of their friends, and they both seem to like bizarrely complicated plans--but having to throw out a plan (or break/fix a sword) doesn't derail them.

Jade and Jake are double Lions. I'm having a hard time thinking of concrete examples, but they are--they just vibe and do stuff. Jade tinkers with gadgetry, but her success is (according to the narrator) mostly due to good intuition. Jake likes to think he has battle instincts lol. That poor fairy bull.

But I've talked about the human kids before.

Let's try to Sort the trolls.

Karkat: probably Badger secondary. A few of the other trolls even admitted he was a good leader. At one point Vriska suggests more of the trolls might have made god tier due to infighting if not for him, lol.

His primary, I actually want to say Bird! Which, I'll point to *any* of his "arguing with past and future selves" episodes as evidence, haha. @wisteria-lodge notes that Bird primaries have a tendency to think of their past selves (from back when they believed things they now disagree with) as almost different people, and Karkat is the epitome of that--he's a Bird with a time-displaced chat client and he can and will flame himself.

Terezi, on the other hand, I would have Sorted as a double Bird, but after chatting with @magpie-of-a-birb recently, I decided she's actually a Lion Bird. She sees herself as an agent of justice, and sometimes she falls into black-and-white thinking. She's also surprised herself with her own conscience (stupid lousy doomed Dave and your stupid lousy complicity in his death...).

Her Bird secondary is loud. The Seer of Mind title just about says it; she uses what she knows about how other people think, and about the timeline, to come up with strategies and plans and courses of action.

Vriska, double Snake. Sorry. You all saw this coming.

Kanaya... hard to read. I think Snake primary? She might be a Lion. I want to say Bird secondary for her, she always seems to know what she's doing, but I wouldn't rule out quiet Lion there either.

I'll run through the others real quick:

Aradia, double Lion (burned primary).

Tavros, double Badger.

Sollux, Snake Bird.

Nepeta, Snake Lion.

Equius, probably an exploded Bird primary, Bird secondary.

Gamzee, uh... double Lion? I think??

Eridan, probably an exploded Lion primary, maybe Lion secondary.

Feferi, I'd Sort her as a Badger primary but she might just be a Snake who considers everyone hers, lol. Courtier Badger secondary, probably.

I think that's all the trolls. I'm not doing the dancestors, lol.

Bonus:

Calliope, Badger Bird.

Caliborn, double Lion (glory hound).

I'm gonna leave off the parents and Bec and the sprites and the carapacians and the Felt/leprechauns and Doc Scratch and the author insert and the wolf thing on the wall and... yeah all those dudes. Homestuck has a lot of characters, this is enough for one post :p

PS: If anyone wants to get into Homestuck, I highly recommend The Unofficial Homestuck Collection, which is a program and asset pack you download. This way, you have the entire comic and side comics--offline--and all the Flash games and animations in their original quality or better. Also, it's got features where you unlock the side content as you progress, and you can increase the font size/switch to OpenDyslexic, and some other cool stuff like that.

[the-awkward-outlaw]

You are not alone

This is a one shot with Arthur Morgan. For once, it is not a request but rather more like a therapy piece for myself in order to process some current issues I have. That being said, trigger warning for parental abuse. 

Masterlist

Read on AO3

You lie in bed, not really wanting to face the day. The idea of staying in bed all day and doing nothing is tempting. That familiar ball of nothing sits like a weight on your chest. This void inside you seems as deep and fathomless as the universe itself. It doesn’t feel good. 

You know why you’re feeling this way. How could you not after everything that happened with those people you used to call family? Everything’s blown up so quickly. There was almost no warning to it either. 

You’re also confused. Why are you so hurt to be abandoned by those people who hurt you for so long? Your father, that abusive bastard who never earned the title of “dad”. His words still echo in your head, the words “I want you gone, I don’t want you here”. When he’d screamed those words, it unburied so much hurt you’ve kept locked away for over 15 years. Things you never told anybody about, things you yourself barely remembered until recently. 

Then there’s your mother. Not nearly as abusive, but just as guilty. That pointless conversation she had with you a few days back did nothing but show that she’d seen your father’s abusive tendencies long before you were even born and she did nothing about it. Admitting now that she should have done better back then does nothing to erase the pain. Damn them both. Damn this whole scenario!

Of course, the fight that led to this situation has been overdue by several years. You’ve seen it coming for a long time, you just hadn’t been aware of it happening so quickly, and in such a bad place. You’d been on your vacation with your parents, visiting a lake you’ve loved since childhood. Because of certain situations and acts done by your parents (though you know your hands aren’t clean either), the fight broke out and the result is that you have now been estranged by both your parents. 

The situation is so complex and you don’t know how to feel. Anger, sure. Resentment, of course. Betrayal. You also want your parents to admit that they hurt you during your childhood and you’re damaged because of it, but you also know they won’t. Especially your father. He’s under the impression he was a wonderful dad, despite the fact that most days as a child, you hid for fear of his abuse. How can you hate them so much yet still want them as part of your life? 

There’s a sudden knock on your front door. Who the hell is calling at this time of day? Sure, the sun’s up, but it’s Sunday morning. Why would anyone be at your door? 

With a heavy sigh, you force yourself to get out of bed. You tidy yourself up enough to not look ghastly. Maybe it’s just the Amazon guy dropping off a package (though you don’t remember ordering anything within the last 2 weeks). 

When you open the door, you’re surprised to see your neighbor and good friend (not to mention the guy you’ve been crushing on forever) Arthur Morgan. He smiles when he sees you. 

“Hey, hope I didn’t wake ya.” 

“No, you’re fine,” you say, forcing yourself to smile. “I’ve been up a while anyways.” 

“Okay. This is gonna sound silly, but would you have two eggs to spare? I, uh, started makin’ myself some breakfast and realized I didn’t have any.” 

“Oh, of course! Here, let me grab them for you.” 

Arthur walks in the house after you. As you go into the kitchen, he looks around. Though your house is usually quite tidy, he can see there’s been a lack of care to it. Dust rests on your shelves, your TV. Your couch shows signs of not having been used in days. There’s also a smell that suggests the house has been empty, but as your neighbor and friend, he knows you’ve been home everyday. He’s been in your house often enough to know that it isn’t usually like this. 

Not only does it not look right, it doesn’t feel right. There’s a heaviness in the air, almost like a shadow sits over the house. He gets the feeling it’s stemming from you. 

Now that he thinks about it, he has barely seen you in the past 3 weeks. Pretty much ever since you came back from your vacation. You’d asked him before leaving to watch your house and feed your cat, which he did. But now that you’re home, he’s hardly seen you. Again, this is strange as the two of you are fairly close. 

Before your vacation, you’d watch movies together every Friday night. When you came back, you didn’t invite him over and when he invited you, he got responses that suggested you had other plans. 

“Here you go,” you say, walking out of the kitchen and holding out two eggs. He reaches for your hand, but then doesn’t let go. 

“Why don’t you come and have breakfast with me?” he says, his eyes soft. “You look like you could use some company.” 

You look up at him. You’ve wanted to see your friend for a while, ever since you came back. However, if your father made anything clear, it was that if he didn’t want you around, then no one did. 

“I… I don’t know, Arthur. I don’t want to be a bother.” 

“You ain’t gonna bother me, Y/N. Never have. Y’know, I been missin’ our Friday movie nights.” 

His comment makes you look away from him. “No, you don’t, Arthur.” 

He squeezes your hand a bit, then he lowers his head so he can look you in the eye. “You okay? You been different ever since you came back from that lake. Somethin’ happen up there?” 

Arthur’s the first person to point out that you’re not how you used to be, and his acknowledgement of that is what finally breaks you. Tears well up in your eyes and you cannot bear to look him in the face, feeling pathetic. 

“To… to be honest, a lot happened. Most of it wasn’t good.” 

A brief silence passes, then he squeezes your hand again. “Come have breakfast, darlin’. Looks like you could use a friend. I’ll cook for ya and you can talk about it.” 

At first, you think he just wants to hear some gossip, but when you look in his eyes, you can see he’s genuinely worried. So you nod and grab a couple more eggs and follow him out and over to his house. 

Arthur’s house is about the same size as yours. He’s more simple than you are, and being raised on a farm out west, he decorates like so. There’s a big painting of a horse over his couch which you’ve always liked. You peak in his office and see the large stag’s head hanging from the wall. 

In the kitchen, Arthur makes you a cup of coffee and then begins breakfast. As you sit at the table, your hands wrapped around the warm mug (which has a beautiful design of an elk), he gets some bacon cooking. 

When a few strips are sizzling away, Arthur sits down across from you. “So… tell me about this vacation of yours.” 

Arthur doesn’t say a word as you begin talking. First you start out with how you had bad feelings right before you went on vacation, but you attributed them to other aspects in your life. 

“It was like a part of me knew something bad was gonna happen,” you say. You’re shivering a little (something you always do when talking about a deeply personal thing). Arthur gently takes your hand in his to comfort you. It does help and you go on. 

You tell him about how things started to build up. Things started off with your mom. When you voiced your problems with her to your father, stating they made you want to leave early, he said if it felt right to you that you should leave, but then he suggested you talk with your mom first and try to resolve things. 

“The problem with that is these issues I’ve had with my mom have been going on for well over ten years. I’ve been nearing the end of my tether for ages.” 

Arthur nods and prompts you to go on. The talk with your mother you thought went well, but not twenty minutes after, she was doing the same things you said were causing the issue. Things escalated from there with not just your mother, but your father going and doing the same things that have been causing all these problems. They were doing a few things that suggested they’d heard you, but when push came to shove, they went no further. 

“On Thursday night, we went to this one place at the lake to try and fish. When I finished there,  I realized that I was just done. I wasn’t angry or resentful, I was just ready to come home.” 

Arthur nods and you notice he squeezes your hand a little. With that, you go on to say how the very next morning, you packed up your things and as you loaded up the car, your mother came bustling over, clearly upset, and accused you of ruining her vacation. She laid on the guilt hard. 

However, your father has always had a habit. When your mother gets upset, your father gets angry and he has an excellent way of making the person who hurt his wife feel like less than shit. He pulled out all the stops for you. Not only did he accuse you of being intolerant and inpatient, but he wouldn’t let you stand up for yourself. When you tried to, he put you down, stating you were an intolerant, selfish little brat and he wanted nothing to do with you. 

“What about your mama?” Arthur asks gently. “Surely she didn’t want things goin’ that badly?” 

You roll your watery eyes and look away. “My mom did what she does best. She just stood there and listened to him, not saying a fucking thing. She sat there and watched as my father essentially chased me out of there.”

Arthur lowers his head and sighs. “I’m real sorry, Y/N.” 

“That wasn’t it,” you say and then you go into explaining how your father’s verbal abuse uncovered a bunch of memories from when you were a child. Memories of your father verbally and even physically abusing you. Things you’d forgotten and sat on for over 15 years. They all came bubbling back up as you drove home, sobbing. Along with them came the emotions. The fear, the confusion, the anger and the hatred. 

“So…” Arthur says, dishing the food onto plates and handing you one. “That was, what… two weeks ago? Have either your ma or pa said anything?” 

You sniff a little and shake your head. “Well… my mom did. She came over and we talked for two hours. Honestly the stuff she said made the abuse from my father even worse, because she basically told me she’s known about his abusive tendencies longer than I’ve even been alive for and has let him do them. When I asked her why she didn’t stop him that day I left the lake, she said she was focusing more on what was going on in her head. Honestly I think that was a lie. I think she’s just as scared of my father as I was as a kid.” 

Arthur looks down. “That’s bad business, darlin’. Had no idea your daddy was so awful.” 

“Me too. I guess I worked hard to forget all that bullshit he did to me as a kid.” 

“Guess so. Did your mama try talkin’ ya into forgivin’ him?” 

You shake your head and sniff again. “No. No, she didn’t make excuses for him, but she tried gaslighting me. Said I should focus on the 80% that’s good and focus less on the 20% that’s bad. But when I think about it, there was no good when I was a kid. All he did was get angry at me. We didn’t start to have a civil relationship until I was just graduating college. And I don’t know, but in my opinion going to Yellowstone when I was 23 and having a good time doesn’t count.” 

“It don’t. Your daddy betrayed you when he hurt you all them times. He made a promise to protect you when he became your father and he broke up. Not only that, but your mama betrayed you too when she just stood by and watched him do those things.” 

You start crying again, letting the tears slip down your cheeks. Arthur stands up and cleans up the dishes (you didn’t eat very much, but he understands). When he walks back over the table, he comes over to your side and holds out his hand. 

“Come on, sweetheart. I know you’re probably feelin’ confused and hurt that even though your parents were abusive and did a lot of damage, it must be difficult to have lost them. Come here.” 

When you’re standing, he pulls you into a hug. Arthur’s only hugged you once. He’d gotten drunk during a movie night and had hugged you when he said goodbye. It was then that you’d developed your crush on him.

You press yourself into the hug, his heart thumping in your heart, calm and steady. Your body molds perfectly against his, like a puzzle piece. His arms wind around you, creating a protective barrier as you settle your forehead into the crook of his neck. 

As his heat seeps into you, all the emotions you’ve been mulling over come, only there’s a new one. Support. Arthur is the first person who not only showed any concern, but also showed any interest in wanting to help you. You feel his thumb rubbing circles on your lower back. 

After a few moments, Arthur leans away just a bit so he can look at you. “Y/N, can I tell you somethin’?” You nod and he goes on. “Even though you lost your family, I want ya to know this. I care about ya. Cared about ya a long time. When the two men who raised me passed away and I came out here, I had no one. But you reached out to me, made me feel like I wasn’t alone. I’m gonna do the same thing for you.” 

This makes you smile for the first time in days. “Thank you, Arthur. I couldn’t ask for more.” 

He smiles and then his hand comes up to cup your cheek. As you stare at him, his eyes flicker down to your lips. Is he thinking about you the same way you think about him?

“Arthur?” you whisper. 

He responds by leaning down and gently placing his lips on yours. Your heart feels like it’s going to leap out of your chest as you sink into the kiss. His breath washes over your face and his hand moves up your back. After a moment, he pulls away, his cheeks pink. 

“I, uh, hope that was okay,” he says softly. 

You smile a bit. “I would give it a better word than that, Arthur. Thank you.” 

Arthur’s lips stretch into a wide grin and then they’re on yours again. “I’m gonna always be here for ya, darlin’,” he says after another moment. “You ain’t as alone as your parents want ya to think.” 

[365days365movies]

March 17, 2021: Darby O’Gill and the Little People (Review)

This is a delightful movie, and WAY better than anticipated!

I mean it, I had a really good time with this movie. And I’m hoping that there are more folklore-based movies coming up, because I genuinely enjoy them! But as for this particular movie, I’m a sucker for some good Irish stories, what can I say? If anybody has any suggestions for more of these, PLEASE send them my way, because I love ‘em.

But OK, let’s get into my thoughts in full, huh? Recap can be found here and here! On to the Review!

Review

Cast and Acting: 8/10

Man oh man, do I love Albert Sharpe and Jimmy O’Dea in this movie! The two actors, both of whom are Irish, nail their roles, and I honestly love them both for it. Their interactions are a lot of fun throughout the movie, and they make both Darby and Brian fun characters to watch bounce off of each other. As for the rest, they’re...mostly good. The interesting thing, though, is the fact that of the main cast outside of those two, only Kieron Moore is Irish. Yeah, Janet Munro is English, as is Estelle Winwood, and Sean Connery is...well, Sean Connery. Any oddly enough, their roles in the film feel way more generic, and less authentic to the environment of the movie. To be specific, the film feels more Disney and less cultural when they’re on screen. Part of that is almost certainly the scenes that they’re given, but I can’t help but feel like there would be more to those scenes if they were cast more authentically. Also...Sean Connery is Sean Connery. Yeah, he’s basically just Sean Connery, BEFORE James Bond, even!

Plot and Writing: 8/10

I love the plot of this story, which takes quite a bit from Irish folklore. Of course, that’s the idea, as Walt Disney collaborated with the Irish Folklore Commission for years to make this movie, and bought in a lot of Irish influence in developing it. He traveled to Ireland on a few occasions, and even spent extended time at the Dublin Library just doing research in developing it. And it shows! The movie itself is based on a book by H.T. Kavanaugh, and further adapted by Lawrence Edward Watkin, with help from Disney. It’s a good script, and a...mostly well-paced story. Bringing in the Banshee and the Death Coach as late as they did was...not well-done. Sorry, that’s just truth. They should’ve been at least foreshadowed or mentioned early in the film, but they both pop up really late in the game. Also, the horse’s identity as a pooka is...just sort of dropped on us? I dunno, some writing could’ve been improved. And that isn’t counting the sometimes corny, DIsney-esque writing. But, as said, it is a Disney movie.

Directing and Cinematography: 9/10

Robert Stevenson is one of Disney’s most hallowed directors, and responsible for three of my childhood favorites: Herbie the Love Bug, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, and, well...Mary Poppins. SO YEAH. Dude has accomplished! And it’s well-directed, very well-shot, and...very Disney. And, no, there’s nothing wrong with that. But it’s composed of a lot of stagnant shots. But, thanks to cinematographer Winton Hoch, those shots all look pretty great, too. It’s a great looking movie!

Production and Art Design: 9/10

Same thing here, as I’d love to visit this Ireland. This film really paints the countryside as idyllic and pleasant, and this is a movie that any cottagecore fan should internalize deeply. Which is ironic...since this was filmed in California. Uh oh. I DEFINITELY don’t know Ireland, because I SWEAR that I didn’t know that until typing this review. So, yeah, maybe less accurate than I thought. Still, given that fact, this is a great looking movie. Despite some...slightly dated effects.

Music and Editing: 9/10

Speaking of dated effects...yeah, some of these are pretty markedly dated, like the pooka up above. However, the size-bending little people sections are AMAZING. Seriously, the effects there are VERY good, and it’s genuinely hard for me to figure some of them out. You’d think that this would be extremely easy, given that the film is 62 years old, but...no, I don’t intuitively know how they did it! It’s impressive! The editor, by the way, is Stanley Johnson, and he does a good job, all things considered. And the music! GAAAH, THE MUSIC! Oliver Wallace nails the tone of this score, and I adore this soundtrack. It’s just...good!

86% seems right, if not a little low, if I’m honest!

Roger Ebert called this movie the best Disney live-action film, which...it definitely isn’t. Sorry, nobody-but-NOBODY beats Mary Poppins for that title. Still, I do actually like this movie a LOT, and it’s up there with my favorite live-action Disney movies. I’ll have to rewatch those at some point, honestly. Maybe I’ll let you all know when I do.

But OK, let’s get back to that chronological progression of films, huh? Looks like I’m still in 1985, and...oh. It’s Woody Allen again. Topical?

March 18: The Purple Rose of Cairo (1985)

[pocket-void]

Hi Mock!

I wish you a good morning! (It's currently 8:30 am here and I hope you are asleep wherever you are because healthy sleep schedules and all that!) 🌻

I just found out that you write, too, and I've read "A cup of coffee" and honestly, is there something you can't do? Because that was really great! I enjoyed reading it so much!! And I love your Logan in it!

And can I ask: where so you get the motivation to do all this great stuff? Drawing, writing, school? Like, I have like 5 different writing projects screaming at me because I don't work on them and yesterday I outlined yet another fic that I'll probably never write because I just don't have the motivation and - how do you do it? Because I want to write. It's the best thing in the world to me. But I just can't get myself to do it, and when I do, everything I make feels kinda... not good. Ugly, if you will.

So I guess I just want to know what I can do to get myself away from that? Because I really need to write, I'll go insane otherwise O_o

Anyway, have a wonderful day and eat a cookie!! 🌼

Y’all who can format stuff in asks will never cease to bamboozle me. O///o

But hello!! I believe it’s the afternoon where you are now! ^\\\^ (Not to worry, if there’s one thing I try to get enough of it’s sleep!)

Heidhwkfns Yes I write too but it’s incredibly on and off since I’m not as confident with it and it takes much longer than art! >\\\< I 100% want to write more often tho, but my need to accomplish stuff just finds art less time consuming. I’m really glad you like “A Cup of Coffee” because I’m quite happy with how that one turned out! ^\\\^ (And also just genuinely surprised at how many people enjoyed it) So thank you!! ;///;✨💖

So, here’s the thing. I’m just a normal person, just like anybody else! There are days where I have 0 motivation to do anything, and days where I’m way too motivated but still do absolutely nothing anyways lmao- I can’t say that my experience will work for everybody of course, but I can try to explain how I feel or how I work things out when I don’t feel like doing things. u///u

The first step is to forgive myself, because it’s going to be ok. There’s nothing wrong with having an off day, and nothing wrong with not accomplishing anything for now. There should be no guilt involved in not touching something for ages, god knows I’ve got so much in the “maybe later” idea box that I will never get to. But that’s ok! My creations will never blame me for not working on them, so in turn I promised to never blame myself for it either. And if I ever go back to complete one of them, great! But if not, that still doesn’t mean that it was a waste. Everything you make has value, finished or not.

The second is to remember that I love them. I love them a lot. I love creating, I love art, I love writing, and I love the process behind them! What you write and create will never complain if they are “not the best” or “ugly”. Their value comes from how you feel about them. Nobody else’s imput matters. So what if it’s not great? So what if it’s a mess? My terrible crayon drawing from when I was 4? Love it. Still has my whole heart. They’re on my bedroom wall to this day! (Neatly framed and hung, courtesy of my dad) I ask myself why I sat down to do something in the first place, and the answer is always going to be because I love doing it! Everything I make means something to me, no matter how bad or how small. Because at the end of the day, I made something. And it’s all the reason I need to love it.

It doesn’t matter if this doodle looks bad or this draft makes literally no sense because even if it’s not good, I did it. Even if I feel like I’m going nowhere, I know that each creation is a small step in my long long journey of improvement. It might not seem like that sometimes, like everything we do doesn’t really seem like it’s getting better any time soon, but we can never tell unless we keep doing it right? Instead of being upset that I’m not very good now, I decided to try and look forward to how good I eventually will be. I find that prospect exciting! We never know how much we grow until we get there, it’s like a happy surprise! ^\\\^✨And in the meantime, I am allowed to be perfectly happy with what I already can do. How far I’ve already come. Even if other people tell me otherwise, even if it’s true that it’s not very great, who’s to say that I will always be? Not me, that’s for sure.

I am willing to be patient for the sake of what I do, because I am willing to do it for an eternity.

There is no race in doing what I love, because I am the only one on this path. I can see other people on their own paths too! And sometimes they’re faster and have way better stamina than me, but their final destination is ultimately going to be much much different than mine, even if we’re going in a similar direction. So there is no point in trying to match them; I decide to walk at my own pace. It’s much easier for me this way. Take breaks! Drink some water. We’ve all got our places to go. ^\\\^

Third thing about getting things done is, well, getting it done! Do you know how I wrote “A Cup of Coffee”? I pain stakingly stared at it all day with frequent breaks in between, read it a ridiculous amount of times until it didn’t sound like english, and had text to speech read it back to me a couple more times just so I could make sure, because I really really really wanted to finish it. And it probably was kind of messy, hahaha. >\\\<

I’m not suggesting you do what I did btw, because it’s not even how I always write things! My other story “Table for Two” was written under a much different context. For that one, I wrote parts of it on different days. I took walks thinking about how I’d word things, how I’d imagine the scene going, and how I should pace sentences. I actually deleted the entire first paragraph and started over a few times because it didn’t sound right. Then one afternoon I decided that I wanted this story done. So I sat down and did what I could, edited a few things afterwards, and tentatively showed it to a friend. I didn’t edit it much after that, but it was done!

If I learned anything from highschool, it’s that doing something imperfectly is better than not doing it at all. I’m still a pretty picky perfectionist and a terrible procrastinator, and it’s not easy! But I would much prefer something I make to be “messy but complete”, rather than “pretty good so far but not finished”. Personally for me, getting started is the hardest part of doing anything. I have yet to find an easier way to do it, but I know that sometimes I just need to sit down and do what I can to start writing. If a sentence sounds weird, I keep going, because I can come back to it later! But if a sentence doesn’t exist, I can’t fix that without, well, writing it. o///o So I consider that a start!

I definitely understand you when you say that you can’t get yourself to write because I currently kind of can’t either. >\\\< I have outlines that I won’t ever write, I have ideas that I’m not gonna get to, and I’ve got fics that I worry won’t be as good when I write them. But maybe today I’ll sit myself down and just write one sentence. Give it a title, make a document, and stare for a lil bit. Give it a beginning. Because for me, sometimes drawing the starting line somewhere helps. Maybe it can show me what direction I need to go in just a little bit clearer. u///u

At the end of the day, the thing I say all the time is enjoy what you do. It’s just genuinely the most important part of doing anything to me. Yes it can be hard and sometimes we worry about how it’s gonna be, but we still do it don’t we? We come back and try again because we love it. Because we really can’t live without it. So what’s wrong with just...doing it?

That’s how it is to be a creator for me, I suppose. And from one to another, I genuinely wish you the best of luck on your journey!!

After all, there will be no other quite like it. u///u💖✨