#also idk what the fuck that third emoji is so ignore it please

[unreadpoppy]

I want to go back to like...the raphael elizabethan play style au i had but my main "problem" with it is that I don't know who the like MC be. It's probably not going to be like a ship fic, so I'm tempted to put Siren (my dark urge) in it cause she's a bard but then i'm like do i add the...y'know....dark urge stuff or do i just pretend it doesn't exist

[jksangelic]

defanged (m)

↳ rating: M

↳ genre: smut, fluff, werewolf!au, a/b/o au, pwp

↳ pairing: mates werewolf!reader x werewolf/alpha!hoseok

↳ warnings: explicit sexual content, dom themes, breathplay, knotting, rough play, impregnation kink, overall general ”werewolf” smut themes, personality change, probably an uncomfortable amount of squishy mate talk

↳ summary:  hoseok is an easy mate—as such that there are moments you question if he’s just human. so when his sudden spike of aggression emerges, you do your best to keep this unknown man at bay. or, alternatively: young alpha hoseok has started teething and he’s being a bratty puppy about it.

↳ note: ok so if you were with me a few months ago you would know that this is actually a collab fic with a couple other writers but life happens and here we are now *cowboy emoji*. this is really important to me bc they’re such *clench fist* great people and i’m happy i received such an opportunity to collab with them (’: pls make sure to rb/like/visit our collab masterlist if you want to be in-the-know of when they post their parts!

also i wanted to play around with the humorous sides of what werewolves might go thru (-: so, like, short attention spans and hating loud noises and typical big dog stuff. with the teething, just imagine that their growth stages are prolonged because they’re, idk, maybe immortal or something lol

(i…… i’m not used to writing fantasy can u tell)

((gif isn’t mine + his side profile ;-;))

↳ words: 9k+

You could hear every miniscule thread snap and unwind from themselves, a simple task such as painting your nails becoming less relaxing than it should be.

“Hobi,” you mumble once. You swipe down your thumb again, carmine red smoothing over brightly and with utmost delicacy. He doesn’t listen, another squeaking grind of his teeth against the material of his sweatshirt followed by a snapsnap.

“Hobi,” you say a little louder, flinching from annoyance and staining your cuticle with the polish. You curse your discontents, waiting for him to look at you but only meeting a turned neck and eyes still glued to his phone, an I’m listening portrayed by his demeanor but not really meaning it.

He chews hard on the neckline, a solid rip completely tearing several inches down his chest, eyes widening and attention finally caught when his chest is exposed hilariously.

“Hoseok!” you yell, slamming the closed bottle onto the coffee table and meeting his startled eyes, “I just bought that for you!”

He hopes to play it off and shrugs as you swipe it from his teeth, untwined fibers poking out sadly. You smooth your thumbs over the poor fabric, the third victim of his recent gnashing problem.

“Why do you keep doing this?” you ask sadly, a little more bummed about the beautiful sweatshirt than you should be.

He responds simply, “My gums itch.”

You roll your eyes at his childlike excuse, the full-sized man sitting cross-legged and distractedly in his corner of the couch with his phone paused on some game with horrendously annoying music. Was he really your alpha?

“Why don’t you do us some good and go hunting.” You offer, a lame excuse to get Hoseok out of your hair for a bit. It’s what you deserve. He rolls over with a harrumph, shoulder now bare from the growing tear in his clothing. It made you giggle slightly.

“I’m in pain and you’re laughing at me,” he deadpans, body static-still and stubborn more than ever.

Your breath fans his skin as you slither next to him, “I’m sorry, baby. Are you really hurting? Why don’t you go to the dentist?”

Hoseok pouts, taptaptapping away at his screen instead of looking at you, “I don’t want to go to the dentist. They just itch.” Even now, he licks over the burning sensation of his gums, clenching and grinding his teeth to ease the feeling in any way. You can hear the collisions of his canines, your own tingling uncomfortably from the sound.

You shake your head. “Maybe you’re teething,” you suggest in all seriousness. It wasn’t impossible; your kind’s lifespan certainly placing such life stages at seemingly unusual times. In any case, it would simply mean his canines were most likely growing longer and stronger.

He scoffs as if you’ve insulted him, “I’m well over my teething days, Y/N. They just itc—"

“Say that one more time and I’ll neuter you,” you huff. When he lacks a kinder response, you push yourself off the couch to tidy your bedroom instead. He clearly wasn’t in the mood to have a serious conversation with you at the moment, and despite its rarity, you could use your space.

Your mate was in no way irritable; in fact, Hoseok was one of the sunniest alpha’s you’ve ever encountered. His kindness differentiated him from others, bearing his mark (and one day, hopefully, his pups) certainly deeming you quite lucky. He was a soft lover above all, never making you feel as a subordinate or anything of the like.

Perhaps it’s why you two were clashing heads recently, his personality completely contradictory from his true self. Never does he ignore you, let alone snap at you.

Folding your clothes (and purposefully leaving his items in a pile on his side of the bed in spite), you exhale heavily and leave for the living room once again, disregarding your now smeared manicure.

Hoseok beams at the shoe aisle, producing more light than whatever was already lit in the store. Due to his “issue”, stopping by the mall was a given. Two more of his shirts and even one of your necklaces mangled and chewed up like he was the Tasmanian Devil.

Petting his hair fondly, you give him a nuzzle to his cheek, “I’ll be in the next store over, puppy. Come meet me when you’re done.” He nods happily, wide-frame glasses bobbing atop his pretty nose.

You beeline for the department store in hopes of purchasing a few extra things for yourself before Hoseok sniffs you out. It’s immediate heaven when you sift through the dresses, picking a few out and dangling them happily on your fingers before bouncing from rack to rack. By the time you reach the dressing rooms, your arm aches from the pile you’ve accumulated.

“Hey there, you can go ahead and take that first stall right there,” a man directs, tall and intimidating and rather fucking handsome, you think. “My name’s Jaebum. Let me know if you need anything and I’ll go grab it for you.”

You bat your lashes and mouth a Thanks before waltzing into your room, appreciating his kindness perhaps a little too much. Despite your complex and absolute relationship status, it didn’t hurt to peek at what’s on display. It was only right!

You try on more than what you even remembered picking out, velvets and satins and the softest of cottons all hugging you warmly with every piece, a bittersweet happiness when everything seemed to fit you perfectly. The last dress, though, is your only hiccup. Material skin-tight and ending just a little above your ankles; you harrumph. Almost a perfect streak.

Dress still on (at least it zipped), you peek through the door and spot handsome Bum at the front. “Psst, um, do you mind getting me a couple more sizes in this? I think it was near the wall to the right.”

He grins and nods, almost grateful of the fact that you asked him to do so. Why was he even in this section? Should it concern you?

You watch as he leaves, back muscles showcased quite lavishly in his pristinely pressed suit.

Should it be more concerning that it didn’t?

You take a moment to look at the dress once more, smoothing over the velvet that bunched snugly at your waist and checking out your own ass. The fabric might rip if you sneeze too hard but you look pretty damn splendid.

“Found a few more and got you another color as well,” Jaebum says upon return. You almost snap your neck away from the mirror, hoping he didn’t see you ogling your bum. What a speedy fellow.

You politely open the door wider and reach for the hangers, “Thank you, I appreciate it.”

Jaebum doesn’t fully hand it to you though, briefly but noticeably skimming over your body, “I think that size is cute on you too. You have a really beautiful figure.”

Maybe it should concern you. You chuckle awkwardly and look elsewhere. Please just give me my dresses, you almost say, now self-conscious in your skin.

“It’s even better when she’s naked. I would know,” Hoseok near growls, appearing out of thin air. He swipes the hangers from behind Jaebum, who is surprised beyond all comprehension of the word, and pushes you back into the room. You’ve never seen him look so enraged, face serious and twitching as if he would shift at any given moment.

“Th-There aren’t allowed to be more than one person in a—,” Jaebum nervously starts from the other side before the door is slammed on his nose.

You didn’t even see Jaebum’s reaction, nor do you ponder it when Hoseok drops your beautiful dresses and thrusts your back against the mirror with his hand to your neck, deliberately making you yelp loud enough for others to hear. You recoil as he bares his fangs, sharp and taunting, threatening to devour you whole and you know this isn’t your Hobi.

He doesn’t get the chance for whatever else he had in store when pure vehemence engulfs you, daring to stand your ground with a low guttural snarl and shoving him off. Your strength is nothing to snicker at, his shoulders nearly hitting the other wall despite his stature.

“What’s wrong with you?” you didn’t even care if everyone in the damn store could hear you, “Don’t you dare touch me!”

Regret instantly arises in his eyes, his hands reaching out to comfort you in any way but hesitant in the warning. He would rather die than hurt you, he was sorry, he was so sorry.

Your body can feel his sorrow and want, itching to touch him in any way but you push it down. The little she-wolf in you whimpers as you struggle out of the dress and leave him alone in the stall, begging for you to go back and forgive him.

Jaebum stands, bewildered, outside of the rooms. He sure did rue the moment he ever made advances on you. Not a word is spoken as you pass by and exit the store.

It doesn’t make it any easier when Hoseok follows you closely. “Baby, I’m sorry. Please.”

“You were going to shift because of some stupid sales clerk! You could’ve gotten us in some deep shit with the order,” you scold, “We’re going home. Right now.” This was a double-edged sword, you didn’t even get to purchase anything. Though your mood is far too foul to continue.

“But I didn’t! No one saw anything. I just lost my cool for a second, I promise. I know better.” Even Hoseok strains to keep up your pace, car already in view and goddamn you walk fast.

“Do you? Are you seriously justifying your actions? You need to uphold your responsibilities, Hoseok. You’re not new to this.” He finds that he despises when you lecture him this way, gums and skin and everything prickly and he wish he could gnaw on something right about now.

It was odd to tell him these things, taking into consideration that his role is considerably higher than yours and that he hardly ever faults as an alpha. If there wasn’t something going on biologically, what else could it be?

He’s obviously straining to keep his composure now, jaw slacked and knuckles cracking in his fist, “How am I supposed to do that now? It won’t happen again. It’s over.”

“Then what about your shitty mood swings? We don’t argue, Hoseok. You’re not mean, you’re not easily agitated, and you’re not a fucking paper  shredder. Neither are you aggressive to your own mate,” you throw in his face, unsurprised when he cowers again at the thought. It’s like the man was on his period.

Now that you recall, the last time you’ve ever seen him so angry at you is when you watched Endgame without him, and that should say enough. This was just all so new and unbecoming of someone with his level of reputation.

“You know I didn’t mean to do that. I never want to hurt you…” he leads as you beat him to the driver’s side of the car, watching him over the hood for him to finish his sentence, “I’m just—”

“You what, Hoseok?”

He jostles the door handle a few times, a rep of unsettling clacks making him uneasy.  

“Can you unlock the car?”

“You what?” you say a little louder, entirely avoiding his question.

“Goddammit,” he hisses, “Just let me in and we can talk about it when we get home.” You scan his face in search of anything. For the truth. For him to own up to what it is. What you get is nothing.

So you smile, “No.”

He stands cluelessly as you unlock your door and hop in, starting the car with a satisfying roll and opening his window just enough to see his addled facial expression.

“What are you doing?” he deadpans.

“If you won’t admit it then you obviously don’t take me seriously, and if you won’t take me seriously then I’ll take my car home by myself. So, toodles!”

He smirks nervously, slender fingers sifting through his hair, “Y/N, c’mon. Just let me in.” He’s even more staggered when you start reversing out of your spot. Eyes widening hilariously, he cusses under his breath as he walks cautiously towards the door.

“Have a fun run, baby. Better get home soon,” you feign pity, “looks like it’s going to start raining pretty soon.”

“We live an hour away!”

You drive down the row, turning on your signal just in case someone needed to know. Shucks, you were such a good driver, even in the parking lot.

Hoseok thinks otherwise, anger and panic so vivid that you can feel it from this distance. Walking Time Bomb even begins to jog, not willing to risk your bluff.

“Okay! Okay, I admit it. I may be going through something…” his wavering voice trickles into your head. “You’re right.’

You let him catch up to you, eyes shifty and fingers fiddling. “Hi, darling. Can you say that one more time? In person?” His chest puffs.

“I already said it once,” he begs.

Was his pride this important? Did the strangled mutt deep down change your Hoseok for the worst? An impatient car behind you honks and you shrug.

“You’re making people wait. I’m going to leave.”

“Jesus fucking—okay. I think I’m teething. Or something involving my dental state. It’s making me fucking grumpy and it’s painful and I want to punch a fucking wall because it’s stupid that this phase is so late.” You unlock his door mid-sentence, his body falling into his seat before he continues to blabber on.

“Oh, little puppy,” you slide your sunglasses from atop your head down to the bridge of your nose, “Don’t be so sensitive. ‘S like a human adult getting braces.”

The week passes by agonizingly slow. And that wasn't necessarily because Hoseok bitched and complained, throwing temper tantrums when the remote had fallen between the couch cushions or throwing his pants stormily when they would catch on his ankles and make him hobble about like a disabled chicken.

Or maybe it was because of that.

You dare to creak the door to his den (pun intended), having locked himself in such confinement to work through the paperwork that's been piling on his mahogany desk for days. He looks worn around the eyes, long brown hair pushed back with his fake reading glasses. You knock three times as if he couldn't already sense your presence. When he looks at you through his lashes, he nods for you to proceed.

"Hi, baby. How's the work going?" you ask with a honey-dipped edge.

He shrugs, "A lot of affairs from other packs that I have to go over. I should be done soon."

You slink behind his office chair and wrap your arms around his shoulders, "Mm, why don't you take a break and have a nice little bath with me?" He doesn't budge one inch, straightening out a stack of papers before stapling them neatly and tucking them into one of his drawers.

"I need to finish this. I've been pushing it back until the last minute."

Rolling him out a bit, you slide onto his lap and rest on his chest. Your touch always lulls a serene sensitivity from his skin, a natural effect that only you are capable of. But his muscles remain taut. Bones stiff and budging none whatsoever. Stuttering, you try again, "You've been working for hours. I'm lonely. Just an hour--,"

"Y/N. I'm warning you. Get off."

She-wolf unconsciously warns you to stand down upon this statement. Was he being serious? He's warning you? You search his blank face, waiting for him to crack a smile or lift you up and attack you with kisses. When he doesn't, you test the waters.

Your nails scratch the bare skin under his shirt, "H-Hoseokie, we haven't had sex in so long," you whine. Invading his space, however, only sets him off more.

He growls, deep and meant to be menacing. It takes brutal force to push yourself to move, a weight halting your ministrations. His word, no matter how rare it be, was your law. Do you dare defy that?

You unbutton his pants the same time he threatens, "Continue any further and see what happens." He's breathier than normal and that gives you some satisfaction. He was your mate, after all. Eternal fulfillment was your duty.

The feeling of his heavy and growing bulge, nestling in the crook of his thigh, is a success all in its own. You purr and rub your legs together, licking at Hoseok's neck lovingly and waiting for him to give in. "Hobi, you're already--ah!"

Your view spins as Hoseok scruffs you to his desk, cold wood pressed to your cheek and wrists somehow pinned behind you. Yiping in fear, you struggle in his harsh imprisonment.

"You don't fucking listen," he complains, voice balancing on the line between speaking and yelling.

"Hoseok! L-Let me g-go--," you start before he grinds himself into your ass, boner prominent and angry as it prods. He replaces the hand to your neck with his mouth, laving and suckling all the way down your shoulder.

"Can't do that. I warned you and you disobeyed me. You disobey your alpha, Y/N?"

"No, I'm sorry--," you squeak before your dress is thrown over your back and a sharp slap comes down onto your ass.

You don’t believe the sound that comes out of your throat, pressing your thighs together and wiggling the pain away. “J-Jung Hoseok! What is—” Another slap, harder than the first.

The nerves tingle all the way down to your toes as your eyes roll back. You moan once more, unsolicited and without restraint. Hoseok is content with your reaction, not expecting you to squirm so nicely because of your punishment.

"You like this, don't you? I can smell you leaking like some submissive whore," he snarls with an edge of disappointment. You're beyond mortified of how he speaks to you, although not inclined to deny his words. Not when he spanks you once more, with such force that a scream is rewarded and your back arches in euphoric pain.

"Hoseok, no more, please. I'll--I'll cum if you keep, ugh," you blabber over yourself. He thinks you look prettily pathetic drooling on his desk, so close to spilling over the edge from being physically humiliated.

"Tch, so weak," he comments before releasing your wrist and letting you collapse to the floor. "Are you done?" The question both turns you on and pisses you off, emotions swirling into something self-destructive.

Crawling on the carpet and up his leg, you nuzzle into his bulge, "But I still didn't get what I want." You don’t even ponder where this behavior is coming from; slinking out of you like a dog with its tail between its legs. Perhaps his own change of manner influenced one in you.

He could laugh at how easy you were being, wondering when he ever mated with someone who acts like such a sexually-obsessed brat. "Oh?" he prompts, "So you think you get to make the calls here?"

Licking the hem of his boxers in response, he doesn't feel pleased with your lack of words. You perk up when he shuffles his cock out from the confines of his layers. It’s almost instinctual, not wasting any time to pepper kisses and kitten licks to his tip. God, he even smells amazing. You don't care if you look ridiculous, feverish with your actions like he'd take away your precious treat if you weren't cautious.

He snickers at you, petting your hair with an unexpectedly soft touch. Your heart-shaped irises peer up, knowing he loves your eye contact when you suck him off. Watching the blush spread on his face means that you must be doing your job correctly. Besides, not even the Big Bad Wolf can deny when he feels his pleasure.

He almost can’t stand the self-righteousness that oozes off you. If you thought you were in control, you were dead-wrong. "You want my cock that bad, huh, baby?" your love bunches as much of your hair as he can with his fist, "Then fucking take it."

Then his girthy dick shoves to the back of your throat without warning, hips to your nose and thrustingthrustingthrusting as far as he can.

You'd sputter if your mouth wasn't so full, eyes overflowing with tears and throat constricting in hopes that he'll let you go. When he doesn't and continues to grind himself down your mouth, you dig your nails into his thighs and whine on his persistent cock. It doesn’t matter, the digging crescents in his thighs rousing him even further and even hoping those pretty nails of yours leave marks for him. He’d accept no less.

Hoseok thrusts twice more before pulling you off and watching you cough maniacally. The tears that gathered were now running down your face, accompanied with your saliva that leaks from your chin and onto the floor.

You couldn't breathe, you couldn't ask him to stop, and you loved it.

He cocks a brow as you struggle to catch up, "We'll stop here. You're obviously not made for this."

Pitiful is the only word he can use to describe how quickly you paw and beg for him, desperately wrapping your fingers around the base of his member and pumping him just the way he likes it, "No! I can take it, please use me." Your unstable hand massages the cum-saliva mix as well as it can, a small victory celebrated when he bucks into you.

"Mm," his thumb wipes a stray tear from your lip, "You're so beautiful when you cry. Will you sit on the desk for me?"

You don't hesitate to obey, being careful to hop up when your bum is so sore but otherwise eager for him to touch you again. When he places himself between your legs, your body hums.

"I'm... I'm not well, Y/N. I don't want to hurt you," he says, voicing his first concern after what's already happened. With his brows knit in concern and his slender fingers rubbing calmly at your sides, it's almost as if the Hoseok you know has returned. The Hobi that makes your pancakes just a little overcooked like you prefer. Who makes you a blanket nest when you’re feeling down. And will gladly give up his last bite of anything to watch you munch happily even after you’ve finished your own portion.

In some way, this was your same Hobi. Maybe not so sweet and innocent but more on the receiving end. Spending his days tending to you out of pure love and pleasure to see you bloom; it was just your turn to return the favor.

So you kiss him with fervor and mold your chest to his, feeling the scorching heat that emanates from him. He must seriously be straining himself, you think. His canines graze your lips and you know he's trying his best to hold back; to not completely obliterate you.

"I want to help you," you whisper against his mouth. You implore him and he doesn’t hesitate to take your offer.

You extend your legs as he rushes to pull down your thong, throwing it to the side, and embracing you with another kiss, all tongue and pants. Some of his documents get ruffled under your steadying hands and he shoves them off altogether, a rain of really important paper littering the room. He comes in a little too excitedly, slamming a drawer closed with his thigh and even scooting his desk across the floor.

“God fucking dammit,” he swears, your chuckles covering his wet lips. “I’m… a mess… not thinking straight. Need to cum inside you.”

You purr when his head rubs against your sex, an electric sensation tearing through you. “Want you to knot me,” you whisper. A mistake in its own because he’s practically moaning into your mouth when you say such things.

“Yeah, baby? Want your cunt pumped full? Hm?” he asks into your jaw, all the while spreading your legs as far as they can split with his strong hands. His hips begin to circle like he’s stalling as long as possible and that rouses you up in a way.

You nod with sultry eyes and chant, “Yes. Yes, yes.” By the second yes does he all but slam into you, your final confirmation his endgame.

Hoseok was truly blessed in size, something no mere human could ever match. His length alone would make you double over in ecstasy if he allowed you the space to. Squeezing around him only makes him fuck you deeper, both wanting and needing more of each other than you already have. You were made for him, and him you.

You whimper as he pulls out, his head tantalizing your g-spot before ramming back inside and forcing an angelic cry. “H-Hoseokie… Please, your pups. I want to have your pups”

The sounds of his hips against your skin with your moans and the subtle creak of his desk is almost humorous, you were fucking like dogs. Even more so when he pushes you flat against the wood by the front of your throat, his thumb tucked gently on an airway as your tongue flops out in simple bliss.

“Don’t say that if you don’t mean it,” he snarls with a particularly evil drill to your core that curls your toes. “Nothing to me would be more satisfying than to breed you.”

Your throat constricts and you cough, your tiny hands tugging at his fingers while barely being able to pry his grip. You can’t resist moaning through clenched teeth still, even when the prettiest wine red pours into his irises. Hoseok holds back incredibly well, despite having shifting eyes, his total control never fails to astonish you. It was years worth of training and you thank the stars that it was useful in a time where you were literally stuffed with his cock.

“And you’re so willing; so obedient now. You like when I fuck you like this. Just want that beautiful pussy bred until you’re spilling, right?” he chuckles with means to humiliate when your eyes flutter and drool spills from your swollen lips, “What a mate.”

You tighten, an embarrassing amount of arousal spilling and sticking to your love. He doesn’t mind one bit, rather, losing composure for a brief moment, “Ugh, so good.”

His hand suddenly withdraws from your tender neck and you sputter an attempt to catch your breath, a fleeting moment before he wraps his arms under your knees and prompts you to hang onto him when he stands. How quickly he’s able to switch positions is hot in itself, but the thought is also lost when you sink down even further on his dick.

“Oh, oh my god,” you wail pathetically, wrapping yourself around him and trying to lift your trembling body to ease how full you feel, even for just a moment.

“Hm? I thought you wanted this, baby. Wanted my complete, unforgiving love for you. Isn’t that why you walked into my office?” he smirks similarly to how you imagine the devil would. His hands find leverage against the closest wall, also shoving you against it and resuming his pace into you.

This, to whichever persona was hiding deep down in Hoseok, was divine. Incredible. You would die for this man even without the bond. He was literally screwing you braindead.

He pants, warm and sweaty and shirt somehow unbuttoned halfway down (when did you do that?), “I thought you wanted my knot? Not anymore?”

Your pupils blow out as you shake your head, you were so close.

“Ah, then I’ll knot you. I’ll knot you but you have to beg,” he says with a wink. Bastard.

“Please, please knot me, baby. Breed me and let me have your pups,” you sob, “Fill me up until I can’t take it anymore, Alpha, please—”

He jabs incessantly until you’re entirely maxed out, sloppy smacks echoing out further than the den and his growls emanating when you drag your sharp nails down his back, the fabric tearing under your fingers. Hoseok grinds his full length into you, reaching beyond the end of your walls.

“S-Stay,” he orders. He slows as the base of his cock swells and even though you asked for it, it’s always a little uncomfortable. You can’t even fathom how it feels for your mate, his sudden groans and the absolute necessity to lave at your neck only scraping at the surface of any real indication.

Hoseok told you once that it was similar to both being overstimulated and having a sudden spike of energy, which could explain his touchiness. It was cute though, and kinda hot.

Nestled deep inside, you can subtly feel the ropes of semen beginning to pool. You rest your head over his shoulder, buzzing from the intensity of it all and watching as the walls move and shift into the ones of your bedroom.

Hoseok’s hoarse voice surprises you, “Fuck, I’m so dizzy.”

The bed is a heavenly difference from the den’s desk and wall, your heart pounding a little too hardly when he places one of his pillows lengthwise under your back for extra squish. He was so cute.

But then he collapses on you.

“Oof—I’ve never seen you like that before. My ass hurts,” you state dreamily.

“Oh, love. Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” he asks seriously, lifting his head to study your face in case you lie. The red dissipated long before, his deep brown eyes twinkling down at you like they always do.

“You were a little rough,” you feign, pouting and pushing around his face with paw-folded fists. He thinks you look like an idiot, a cute idiot.

“I’m sorryyyy,” he whines, burying his face into your chest and wiggling around like a fish. His knot moves with him and you wince.

“Hoseok, stay still.”

Being showered in a sudden attack of kisses is what he responds with, not even aware of the task at hand and fake crying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I don’t ever want to hurt you—I—oh no.”

You yipe as semen sloshes down your leg, shoving your palm into Hobi’s (who is undoubtedly back to his usual self) cheek and trying your best to not panic.

“Goddammit, Jung Hoseok! Stay still!”

beep boop hope you liked, leave some feedback if you did!

[skam-season4]

SKAM Theories, Speculation, and Analysis of what we know so far - Season 4 Hiatus

Hi all, It’s Holly, your least favorite SKAM blog again. I am putting together a master post of speculation, theories, and other stuff because this hiatus is killing me. You’d think after 112 days of absolutely zero content would prepare me for ten days, but here I am. So, this will kind of be chronological, and kind of in order of small details to big picture stuff. Because It’s semi - chronological, most of the beginning sections will be Even and Balloon Squad stuff, and  Feel free to message me on your thoughts, I encourage you all to disagree, have your own opinions, but just do it respectfully.

This should be pretty obvious, but if you aren’t caught up with S4E5 yet, this will be spoilers galore.

Bolded things are summaries of a topic, or main / important ideas of a topic

Disclaimer: I am not an expert on anything bipolar / mental illness related, or anything related to Islam. I’ve pulled an Isak and googled different types of bipolar, I know a few people who are mentally ill, but its different for everyone. I’ve read a little bit of the Qur’an, and I’ve tried to educate myself of some Islamic traditions and rituals, but I definitely do not know everything. If I say something wrong or ignorant, PLEASE CORRECT ME, but do it respectfully and I will gladly change it.

Here is the list of topics in order that will be covered:

Sana being ignored - a look through the ages

Even’s timeline

Even’s relationship with each member of the Balloon Squad

Hvem er Mikael?

The Even x Mikael x Yousef situation

Sonja’s Role

Even’s Christmas Text

Season 4 Trailer analysis

Sana’s feelings towards Vilde in S4

Was Yousef going to kiss Sana at the end of “The Best of Islam”?

Sana + Noorhelm drama

Yousef + not Fighting

What was the fight about?

Girls in the bathroom

Noora’s motivation to kiss Yousef

Yousef’s Motivation to kiss Noora

Season 4 Hiatus Trailer Analysis

BIGGER IDEAS

Why the Russ bus is Important

Vilde’s Character Development / Gay Vilde

Sana’s Mirror and Foil

Parallels

Themes

Perspective

Here we go!

Sana being ignored - a look through the ages 

Sana has been being ignored from the first episode she is introduced.

Vilde’s first visit to the school doctor: Where’s Sana?

The rest of the girls drinking in Eva’s room before Vilde sleeps with William: Where’s Sana?

We didn’t really think much of it when it was happening, and thats because of perspective. Perspective is possibly the most important lesson in this entire series (more on that later) and we were seeing this from Eva’s perspective. Eva probably didn’t notice too much that Sana was being left out, probably because she wasn’t that close to her yet, but now we get upset about Sana being excluded because we are actually affected by it.

Even’s timeline

This is what we have been told as of now. Some theorize that some of this info is false, and we obviously have a lot of missing information, but here’s what we think we know so far:

In Even’s second year, the video interview with him and Mikael was made. (x)

It’s 2015

Even is in his third year at Bakka

He is part of the Balloon Squad

Sonja and him have been dating for a year or two at this point

At some point, Even tries to kiss Mikael

Mikael pulls away because he is religious

Even memorizes the Qur’an in Arabic in attempt to cure himself

Even begins posting verses on Facebook about gay people going to Hell (flame emoji?)

We know this is the school’s Facebook page, as per Vilde in this text

I think its safe to assume that Even was manic when he posted that stuff

BUT we cannot be sure whether he was manic or not when he decided to read the Qur’an.

Sonja says he was in S3E8

But Sonja has also said that Even’s feelings for Isak are a result of mania, and basically that Isak was a symptom of Even’s mania

Obviously this turned out to be false

So the line between his mania and non-mania regarding what happened at Bakka is still extremely blurry. (non-mania? idk what to call it sorry, as I’ve said, I’m not an expert on bipolar, and I'm pretty sure it’s not appropriate to call it “when he was ‘normal’”, is “stable” an okay word to use? someone please educate me)

He hurt someone, and we have yet to find out who that is.

We know he hurt someone, or at least thinks he did because

Take a look at the aluminum leg story in S3E3. It seems like a harmless little joke, but it turned out to be an allegory to how he thinks Sonja views their relationship and such. So in S3E10 when he says “I’ll just hurt you, and then you’ll hate me”, this isn’t just because he thinks it will happen, it’s because it has happened before.

The obvious answer at the beginning of the season was Mikael, but now it seems to be Yousef. (I think it’s Yousef)

Even’s relationship with each member of the Balloon Squad

Mikael refers to Even as his best buddy, so we know they were close at some point, definitely before the kissing incident happened.

Elias and Even must have been close as well. This is demonstrated when Even asks Sana how “the boys” are doing, and then asks specifically about Elias. This is probably because Elias is her brother, the one she would know most about, but he doesn’t go on to ask about the rest of them individually.

Yousef and Even’s relationship seems more complicated than the others. They were close friends at some point, (battle 2015 photo, Yousef knows too much a lot about what happened between him and Mikael) Even obviously still loves all the boys, as I said in the bullet above, and Yousef seems to still love Even too, as we see in S4E4. He was so upset about what happened with Even, he gave up his religion, his beliefs. I think the reason he could have been potentially upset at Sana for having them be in the same place at the end of S4E5 was because he wasn’t ready. Not because he didn’t love Even, or was mad at Even, but because he wasn’t ready. (I think this goes without saying,but when I say love here, it is being used 100% platonic. The Balloon Squad, those boys, love each other. That much is obvious, and that’s that.)

I think Mutta and Adam are just more side characters, to add to the dynamic of the squad. They balance out the 5 Girl Squad members and the 4 (5? Is Even officially part of the Boy Squad now?) Boy Squad members, so it just kinda makes sense that there would be 5 Balloon Boys as well. They were probably Even’s buddies, but not as close to him as the other three.

Hvem er Mikael?

Ahh, here we are, the ever elusive Mikael. The Man, The Myth,The Legend. He is

Even’s “best buddy” in 2015

“I’m honest because I care about you” (x)  We’ve seen Mikael and the other boys be affectionate with each other, physically and emotionally. This seems to be just another example of this.

Even refers to him as the “previous man of my life” in this text, and as I’ve stated before, Even’s jokes always have an element of truth in them somewhere.

“He tried to kiss Mikael” - Okay, but if all of what Yousef said in that clip was true, why would Mikael be laughing at the mention of Even’s name in the SMS Roulette video?

When Yousef brought up Even in “The Best of Islam”, he was sad talking about him, obviously because one of his friends tried to kill himself.

I will explain in the “The Even x Mikael x Yousef situation: A Theory” section of this post why I think that is that they have such different reactions.

The Even x Mikael x Yousef situation: A Theory

This is a theory, not an analysis of what we already know and etc.

Sooo... here are some theories (x) (x) (x) especially the last one, etc. about Yousef (and Mikael) being gay / not straight, and I honestly don’t agree with it. As much as I would love to see a Muslim LGBT+ character in the media, it just doesn’t seem like it would be Yousef to me.

Some of the evidence pointing to the fact he might be gay is

the visual parallels between Isak and Emma making out in S3E1 and Yousef and Noora making out in S4E5 (I.E. just kissing, arms at the sides, generally disinterested) which makes sense.

Julie is looking for any opportunity to throw us off, plot twist the shit out of this season, and keep us on our toes, which is getting more and more difficult as time goes on, so we always have to keep that in mind.

 Now here’s why I think he’s not gay

If Yousef was gay, and it was actually him that was involved with the kissing situation then

 the Qur’an verses that Even posted would be directed at Yousef (and himself)

Hence the flame emoji thing in the SMS Roulette video

But Elias is the one that said that.

I highly doubt that when Even posted that stuff, he called Yousef out by name. So assuming the passages were just directed at Yousef and that’s what Elias was referencing with the flame emoji thing, that would mean Elias knows that Yousef is gay or that something happened between him and Even. Then that would mean Elias encouraged Sana to romantically pursue Yousef in Humble, while knowing he was gay, and intentionally fucking over his sister???? which is the exact opposite of everything we’ve seen with him????? It just doesn’t add up

I could see Yousef being bi or something and having a sexuality crisis in his Bakka days, because I truly believe he had feelings for Sana, and if he was bi, then that takes care of that.

I also don’t think Mikael is gay / LGBT+ because

he supposedly pushed Even away for being gay because he is religious

but he wears nail polish and kisses other boy’s hands and stuff like that

and in no way am I saying that because he does that stuff that makes him gay

But if Mikael is actually homophobic, or if he is actually gay and had internalized homophobia and issues with himself, I highly doubt in either situation he’d be too keen on doing traditionally gay things a lot

does that make sense?

I think that Yousef is the only Balloon Boy that knows Even tried to kill himself

Yousef seems to be the only one that is sad to see / hear bout Even

The others seem not affected, like Mikael in SMS Roulette, or upset / startled / angry, like Elias at the end of S4E5 etc.

Other people have pointed out that if he’s the only one that knows

Yousef must have been the one to find Even when he tried

Sonja’s Role

If I did the math right, her and Even started dating roughly around 2012, waayyy before the kissing incident with the Balloon Squad

As I talked about above somewhere, she claims Even memorized the Qur’an, “because at the time he thought it was a ‘good idea’”, and how that might not be entirely true because the line between mania and non-mania back then was so blurry

So did she know about the Mikael situation?

I feel like her role might be really important, because it was actually one of the most important roles in S3, but I don’t think we’d ever see Sana and Sonja interact, so maybe when we get the full story she will have something more to do with it.

Even’s Christmas Text

This is bolded because it’s my favorite theory I think. Who could it be? That little facial expression (timestamp: 5:09) was not in there for no reason, and like Julie said, she’s looking to throw us off.

Mikael: I don’t think it’s him. The second Mikael sees Even and Isak at the karaoke bar, he’s outta there faster than a green snake in a sugar cane field. He doesn’t seem too keen on acknowledging Even.

Sana: She might have texted him right before she walked in and told him not to worry, she wouldn’t say anything, or something along those lines. Again, possible, but not likely.

Yousef: Probable. Like I’ve said before, Yousef was probably upset to see that Sana brought him and Even together because he wasn’t ready. He seems like a very thoughtful person. After Sana asks him why he doesn’t believe in Allah, he doesn’t immediate respond. He takes a moment to gather his thoughts, and I feel like he would want to think over what he wants to say to his friend he hasn’t talked to in a year who tried to kill himself very carefully, (who wouldn’t) and what better way than a text he can write over and over again and revise it?

Sonja: Everything points to her, at least to me. After Isak texted her, maybe she felt she should say something directly to Even. This always seemed the most probable to me, but I am absolutely set on finding out what that was about, and like I said in the “Sonja’s Role” section, I don’t think we’ll see more of her. The only thing I could think of is if Even tells Sana that Sonja texted him, but I don’t see how that would be relevant to anything.

Season 4 Trailer Analysis

I’m not gonna go into what each action in the trailer means. People have already done that. But the new speculation: The Trailer Is In Reverse!!!

I’m going to refer to the original trailer as the original, and the edited one as the “forwards” one.

So, in the forwards trailer, Sana trips Noora and causes a chain reaction that ends with Even getting hurt (with a selfie stick = social media?) and Isak stays by his side.

But, in the original, it starts with Even gathering up his blood (clearing up his past?) and Isak helps him back on his feet.

It ends with Sana pulling Noora up.

In the forwards version, Sana makes a decision that causes people to get hurt, while in the original Sana fixes everything just like she’s done in all three past seasons.

Also, are the roles reversed? Even bleeds in the trailer, but Isak got punched. Sana tripped Noora but Sana got hurt when Noora kissed Yousef. So if Isak is actually Even and Sana is actually Noora, is Yousef actually Mikael (and Vilde falls for Eva?)

Sana’s Attitude Towards Vilde in S4 so far

Sana seems generally annoyed at her and is ready to snip at her

“your mom is not having a wine tasting party”

Sana won’t let her talk when they go to look at the bus

Sana tells the girls they are joining with Pepsi Max, and that they pay and she is the Bus Boss

This is Vilde’s reaction:

She looks angry

But she says “sana’s the boss, she’ll fix it. Remember when she fixed the toilet paper situation (in S1)?”

This seems innocent, but I think it’s a challenge

Like “You can fix it... can’t you?”

Vilde is waiting for Sana to screw up so she can take over.

In S2, Vilde talks about how much she likes William, after she saw Noora kissing him

She does this because she’s trying to get Noora to tell her about it and get a reaction out of her

So isn’t she trying to get a reaction out of Sana too?

She’s also trying to get a rise out of Sana by talking about her and Magnus

In S4E1, before Sana walks in they are “casually talking bout different shades of blue”. Everyone stops, says hi, to her, and the Vilde pipes up and says, “anyway Magnus and I have sex all the time blahh blah blah”

In her mind, maybe what she wants to happen is Sana snaps and does something, Vilde will tell the Girl Squad she’s psycho (I could see her being like “I knew from the beginning and you guys didn’t listen to me”) and then she will be the new buss boss

Was Yousef going to kiss Sana at the end of “The Best of Islam”?

First off, I’d like to say props to Julie Andem for creating potentially the most pure relationship in television history. If Sana and Yousef do get together, I feel it is highly unlikely for them to kiss or anything, so this would be a relationship fueled by purely emotion, trust, and communication, and not on physical things (of course there’s the physical want we’ve seen from Sana’s side, but you know what I mean). I’m pretty sure no one wants to see her compromise her beliefs and have sex with Yousef or something stupid like that (like Noora did with William)

I think that he was going to kiss her

they seemed to have an entire conversation that we, the viewers, didn’t understand entirely just by looking at each other.

Yousef does this tiny little head nod (timestamp: 14:24) and leans forward a minute amount, and then Sana starts shaking her head.

Then, at 14:30 he rolls his eyes a little, and says, “No?” like he was asking to kiss her, she said no, and then he was like “why am I such an idiot, she obviously doesn’t like me if she deleted me on Facebook” etc.

This would also explain why he would kiss Noora

Sana + Noorhelm drama

Eva was the first one to know about William’s knew

Sana was the only one who wanted to tell Noora

She wanted to tell her because she’s trying to protect her friend

Just like she told Vilde William wasn’t interested in S1

Noora thought that was mean of Sana to be honest with Vilde

But Noora thought it was mean of Sana to not tell her?

SANA WAS LITERALLY ABOUT TO TELL NOORA AND THEN NOORA STARTED TALKING OVER HER. In “heartbreak”, (timestamp: 5:28) Sana takes a breath and says, “Du-” (you) and immediately gets cut off by Noora saying “oh my god, if I think about him with anyone else I’m going to break” or whatever

Maybe Noora will realize this and apologize to Sana right away and it will set up Noora being on Sana’s side when she finds out about Sana being kicked off the bus?

But maybe I’m just being optimistic

Yousef and Not Fighting

I feel like the reason he stayed behind was because he didn’t want to choose sides. If we’re sticking with the theory that he knew about about Even’s suicide attempt, but the others didn’t, then this makes sense. He didn’t want to choose sides. He wouldn’t want to go out there and fight with the Balloon Squad because he obviously still cares about Even and wouldn’t want to fight his friends. But he wouldn’t want to fight with the Boy Squad because then he’d have to explain why he stood up for Even to the Balloon boys, and tell them about the suicide attempt.

What was the fight about?

My original theory: before the clip came out, I saw the BTS pics and thought maybe Magnus finds out about the SMS roulette Nudes 4 Nudes thing and dukes it out when he sees Elias. This is probably not true now that we’ve seen the clip.

Obvious theory: Mikael or Mutta, the only two outside with the Boy Squad, started a fight because they didn’t like seeing Even in a homosexual relationship. Obvious. Too obvious. Especially because the girls in the bathroom think that's why it happened.

Other: Isak threw the first punch. As we see him walking away, we see him shaking his hand. Maybe because he was shaking off blood, maybe because he was shaking off pain?

Girls in the bathroom

Like I just said, Because they think that the fight was about Muslims Vs. Gays™ this is probably not true.

Sana can’t win. According to the girls, she’s too Muslim to be on the bus and be a good bus boss... but she’s not Muslim enough to be a good representation of Islam... like... what? That conversation upset me so much.

Did Vilde snake? Or is that just false rumors? I don’t think Noora knows, or Chris, but did Eva know that they were going to throw her off the bus? She looks uncomfortable when Sana and Noora approach them and the Pepsi Max girls. Assuming they didn’t know, will they stand by her? Will they take Pepsi Max’s side?

Noora’s motivation to kiss Yousef

1. Noora did not know about Sana’s feelings for Yousef. She had already expressed interest in him, and was lonely and upset and saw him and kissed him.

2. Noora did know about Sana’s feelings for Yousef, and she was upset at Sana and wanted to get back at her. Some think that Noora expressing interest in Yousef was actually her subtly asking about Sana’s feelings for him. This seems ooc to me, but who knows?

Yousef’s Motivation to kiss Noora

This is more complicated.

Perspective: He didn’t actually like Sana, and since we’re seeing things through her eyes, she made it up in her head. He is affectionate with his friends, so he would be affectionate towards her too. (This kinda makes sense, but my Yousana shipping heart refuses to believe it)

Mama Bakkoush told him to stay away. This seems like a possibility, like after she knows 100% that there is nothing to worry about, and then she texts Sana and is like “I trust you” etc. I just feel like every time we see a kid with a religious family, the parents are always portrayed as overbearing and suffocating, and I feel like Julie is gonna give us a new look at a religious poc mom that is actually a great mom, like most of what we’ve seen of her.

The most likely thing to me seems like he liked her, and then was upset because he opened up to her in S4E4, and then she put the Balloon Boys and Evak intentionally in the same place without warning him. Or Noora told him what Sana said about him being immature etc.

Season 4 Hiatus Trailer Analysis

Who is eating the carrot?

Assuming it’s Noora, the carrot represents Yousana. She destroys it.

Assuming it’s Sana, the carrot represents her feelings. Instead of “pulling it closer”, like Yousef suggests, she “pushes it away and looses control over it.” Her feelings eat her up, and she’s stuffing all her feelings inside.

It is Isak’s black eye, someone did a side by side comparison proving it’s him.

Whose hair and whose hand?

Yousef running his hands through his hair?

Mikael running his hands through his hair?

Even running his hands through Mikael’s hair? (Pls no Julie)

It looks like a male hand, so not Noora and Yousef.

I think it’s Yousef. look at how he does it in “feel it coming”

Sara’s Mouth.

She’s smiling... dos this mean she gets what she wants and Sana is actually thrown off the bus?

BIGGER IDEAS

Why the Russ bus is Important

It’s a symbol. Y’all are complaining that it’s getting too much screen time for something we won’t even get to see, but first of all, It’s what brought the girls together in the first place. But it’s also a symbol to Sana. It’s a symbol of her Norwegian identity. 

Vilde’s Character Development / Gay Vilde

Very few side characters have gone through development. It’s mainly only been

William through the second season.

We’ve also heard of Even’s development; he hated himself for wanting to kiss boys and now he’s comfortable with himself. We didn’t actually see that though, we only know him after he’s comfortable with himself.

One could make the argue Jonas had a little development, from Jonas “you only know gay songs” Noah Vasquez in S1 to Jonas “what’s up with you dissing gay people”  “he needs to break up with his girlfriend”  “straight up” Noah Vasquez in S3.

Vilde is the most complex non-main character we’ve ever had, but is there even time for a redemption arc?

When I first saw the gay Vilde theory, I thought it was just people on Tumblr doing their thing and head cannoning her as gay with only 1 questionable scene as evidence but upon further inspection....

The thing that sticks out to me most is the scene in S1 when Vilde is trying to get turned on when thinking about William, she says “nothing makesme horny”. Then in S2 when are the girls are sitting on the windowsil, Noora is texting so it’s only in some versions of the subtitles, but Vilde’s back at it again talking about Noora being a lesbian. And Vilde says “I’ve made out with Eva. The feelings that arise when you make out with a girl don’t necessarily mean you’re a lesbian.”  Eva replies, “What kind of feelings?”  To which Vilde responds “horny”.

This post does a nice job outlining it.

Sana’s Mirror and Foil

Even is Sana’s Mirror (click here if you don’t know what a mirror is, or here to see how Noora was Isak’s mirror in S3)

Even pulled away from Isak after Isak said “I don’t want mentally Ill people in my life”

Sana pulled away from Yousef after he said “I don’t believe in Allah”

Again, God bless Julie Andem, we get to see the perspective of both sides

Even’s struggle with his past vs. his future self, and we’ll probably see him find a great balance, Sana’s struggle with her Muslim self vs her Norwegian self, which again, we will hopefully see resolved.

Noora is Sana’s Foil (click here or here if you don’t know what a foil is)

She is the epitome of the typical Norwegian girl, what Sana thinks she is expected to be like, or what she wants to fit into. The girls in the bathroom saying “wow Noora’s so pretty” Noora kissing Sana’s love interest, etc. etc.

Evak is paralleling Yousana

Evak is the foil to Vildus

I will explain more of that in a later post I will make and link to it

Parallels

Like I said, I’m working on it. It needs to be a whole separate post because this is already so long.

Themes

Figuring out who you are and who you want to be, rather than what others want you to be. In Season 1, when Eva tells Jonas that “his opinion meant more than her own, and that’s not okay.” The central theme of Season 1, reflected again in Season 3 with Isak struggling to fit in with his friends. This also seems to be making a comeback in Season 4, Sana struggling between her Muslim identity, her Norwegian identity, and her personality. She’s the kind of person who’s comfortable with who she is, but I think she has yet to find out who that is.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.

Learn to consider how other people think. Everyone has their reasons for what they do, not everyone will think the way you do, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Think back to Sana and Noora and the windowsill talk in Season 2, or in Season 3 when Sana tells Isak “can’t we just agree that there’s a lot between Heaven and Earth that none of us know anything about? Instead of sitting here criticizing my religion, just respect that we’ve chosen different beliefs.”

Alt er love

Predestination. In season 3, with all of the Christianity symbolism and talk of parrallel universes, we see that you can’t see the future. Every choice you make affects the possibilities for the future, so instead of worrying about what you did, and what might happen, just remember that

Life is Now.

Misunderstandings. Season 4. This is pretty self explanatory, and I’m extremely interested to see how his plays out.

Perspective. THIS IS HUGE. THIS IS THE OVERALL THEME OF THE ENTIRE SHOW, SO IT GETS ITS OWN SECTION.

PERSPECTIVE

Oh boy, here we go. The reason why the narrative only stays in one person’s perspective for a whole season is because that’s how we get immersed in the story. We don’t know more than they know, we are frustrated because we don’t know why that other person did that thing to the main. It makes everything more relatable, and hit closer to home. This ties into communication is key, this ties into misunderstandings, this ties into be yourself, this ties into Alt er love, this ties into be kind always. It teaches us that we can’t get into someone else head. We can’t make assumptions about other people. We won’t ever truly understand someone without seeing everything from their perspective.

So remember: Karma’s a bitch, be kind, always, alt er love, and life is... Now.

[dredshirtroberts]

y’all it’s been a month and i’m drunk so i’m gonna ramble

you know what FUCK HIM.

i have wasted my life focusing and obsessing over people who are not deserving of my loveliness.

Like i’m a disaster trashcan don’t get me wrong, but fuckin’....i’m worth more than people who don’t give a fuck about me.

there’s one guy right now that i’ve kinda been focused on for a lil while but I know it’s not ever going to happen so i’m just like...*shrug emoji*

but like...of all the people i’ve ever liked he’s probably the closest to someone i’d actually be happy with.

and i’ve been struggling with the whole sexual identity thing recently because honestly, i like dudes a lot more than i like the ladies - but I DEFINITELY like some ladies y’all. so like...i’m super attracted to the masculine, but I feel uncomfrotabel with that because I feel like...that’s not allowed?????

idk

Also I’m not sure how I feel about vagina...like...i don’t even like my own so how’m i supposed to like someone elses’sess? 

Fuck

I have a super high libido but like I don’t have “sexual attraction” i think? unless sometimes??? fuckin...

y’all my sexuality has always been a grey space and part of that is because I’m gender fluid but my preferences don’t change with my gender so it’s like super...idk

I should not be doing a text post this far into my cups y’all.

but I got some good music and I got a Big Ass Bottle of wine (BAB) that i’m onlay like...a third thru. and I’m lookin to get CRUNK tonite.

my fucikn disliexia man. i can’t spell for SHIT anymroe.

but i dont’ have to TRY. like...ain’t no one gonna judge me for my spelling and if they do what the fuck ever man. I ain’t got no one to please but myself and I can’t fuckin’ spell.Never done been able to do so in the first place.

I just...

I’m trying to get my shit together and it’s really fuckin hard because I honestly...am not cut out for capitalism. I’m looking at alternative jobs until my dad can hire me on full time because fuckin...i don’t want to be beholden to a fuckin corporation. i just wanna chill and handle my schedule on my time. need to do banking? I can go handle that at any point in the day and not worry about how long my break is. Wanna treat myself to lunch? Fuck yeah, go to lunch and enjoy yourself bitch. Need a haircut? Just do it hunty. 

I just...

I love the experience my current job has given me but i hate hte work. I don’t wan tot do it. how can I work from home and make a reliable amount of money? Maybe I start writing listicles. fuck yeah I coudl do that. 

Mom gave me a super nice compliment last saturday. Apparently I write well when I’m inspired. So like...if I could do that for the rest of my life I totes would because I FUCKIN LOVE writing my thoughts out. y’all i’m so good at it too. 

my glass is empty and i gotta pee...fuck...gimme a second.

...

aiight we back

fuckin...

So when I was younger my favorite bestest memories with my family were my parents and I just sitting down with a hockey game or anything paused on the fuckin tv while we just...sat and goddman...kibitzed. If that’s not a word it is now.

So in order to do the thing now I just turn my music up so I can’t ear anything else on whatever music app I’ve got while I get drunk as fuck and scroll thru the internet and shit.

I can’t fuckin read when I drink (barely can type so like...y’all if you can read this you fuckin amazing and you deserve a hug when I get to see you next) so like i’m limited. plus with the music up I don’t listen to videos I watch so...if I ever reblog a thing that the music is very bad (tm) let me know and I’ll listen to it properly because I probably did not listen.

I just...

fuck i just wanna make out with someone you know? I fuckin love kissing y’all. Kiss me all day long. I’m a fuckin sucker for it. Anyone. doesn’t matter if who you are or what your are or wahtever, I just wanna kiss you. cause like...that’s what I enjoy. no strings, no feelings (unless you want there to be). I haven’t had a proper makeout session in AGES. since I moved from c-burg. and even then that was...relatively not so great because dude could not kiss at ALL. i miss it y’all. i miss kissing so fuckin much. 

And the saddest part of my whole life? i have had so few chances to kiss and make out and fuckin I spent the past four and a half years with someone who didn’t even like it.

I wasted that time when I could ahve been kissing someone who fuckin’ deserved it and wasn’t a self-centered asshole.

cause like..FUCK HIM. He fucked me the fuck over and wants to play the victim. I’m tired of trying to be chill about shit and the bigger person and not slander his fucking name because he fucked me up. I’m fucked the fuck up because of him! I am so screwed and I had some part in the failing of our relationship I don’t want to deminish that fact but frankly I was not the biggest contributer to the bad bits. Frankly I did the most to try and keep that hsit together and he did fuckin NOTHING. 

I’m glad his mother lvoes him because otherwise he’s fuck out of luck y’all. Can’t even take care of his fuckin self. I mean I can’t take care of me neither but like...I’m better at it than he is.

I at least know how to run a household. 

DANCE FLOOR COVER OF I’M WITH YOU HOLY SHIT OKAY MY 13YO SELF IS JUST HAVING A MOMENT OKAY???

but yeah like...i fuckin...bent over goddamn backwards for a grown ass man who couldn’t function further than a 16 yo boy and you know they ain’t got self-sufficiency. I was the younger in the relationship but I was lightyears (yes i know it’s a distance) ahead of him maturity-wise.

is it so wrong to want to be taken care of, for once? I’ve spent my whole life caring for others and caring for myself. can’t someone care for me? just occasionally. id on’t really ask for much. I honestly just want someone to be cuddly with me and care about me. Take care of me when I’m sick like I take care of them when they’re sick. not ignore me, or brush me off when I’m talking, but understand when I’m needing time to myself.

Someone to sit with me and listen to music and drink and have a good time. Watch comedy specials and fun shows that we BOTH like. or at least show some interest in finding out what I enjoy and maybe giving it a try. Do you know how many things I gave up entirely because he wouldn’t enjoy them? so many. mroe than I want to think about.

I jsut...

I changed my life for him and I can’t get what I had back for a very long time and I am so MAD. but like at the same time...fuck him, you know?

like...he doesn’t deserve any emotional energy i’m putting into this. 

And...and the cats? Yeah...talking about that finally was a turning point for me. I’m still really fucked up about it but...I’ll move on. I lived so many years without anyone or anything relying on me and me not relying on anyone. I can do it again. 

Shit I’ve been more comfortable since i movd out. I haven’t even really felt lonely. I just...there are some aspects of a relationship that i miss even though some of them I never had in the first place???

so i’ve been missing them since before I was in a proper relationship? I’m 27 and I haven’t had a partner who gave a shit about me, ever. I have never had anyone have a crush on me and if they have then they apparently didn’t give enough of a shit about that to bring it up. I’ve had crushes on so many people and I’m terrible with secrets so anyone I’ve had a crush on has been told. 

and all of them are in happy healthy relationships. well. or halfway across the globe and I told them at the worst possible itme and I have like 0 chance because he definitely does not give a shit about me outside of frienship. but that’s fine.

it’s not but i’m going to pretend it is because...well...in some ways I’m more comfortable living in my fantasy world where i can maladaptively daydream about shit that will never happen because it’s easier.

anyway...

this has gone on for a lot longer than initially intended and i have no idea what iv’e written but i know it’s laden with typos. sorry abt that.

i love you all and you all are completely and utterly special to me. i hope you have a lovely evening/night/day and i want you to know that i care about you and your health and safety. don’t forget to drink water and get proper amounts of sleep for your situation. i love you <3

[mefukimeme-gonebithc]

SWINGS OPEN DOOR FRANTICALLY AND POINTS AT ALL THE EMOJIS: do it

.........................oh boy

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone?

HMMM most of them id rather not talk about since theyre really personal/a lot of them arent really secrets since i have talked abt them but they can easily go unnoticed sooooo

im confessing to having a thing for gloves i guess??? specifically black cloth gloves (im not a fan of leather, feels Weird) so. ye. 

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?

All (in the end id probably be getting hugged tho haha im v awkward at hugging vs being hugged)

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why?

CARBINKS!!! anything that i deem cute is my favourite (ex. r/owlets, m/imikyus, bonus since theyre a dark/fairy >:3c!!, pum/pkaboo, etc) 

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like?

donald trump would be dead and obama can stay president for another 4 years until the world gains potential candidates that arent shitty

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had?

I Dont Think I Want To Talk About It. ill just link the post. (btw thats my dream journal blog, i should use it more)

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend?

i have multiple so hmm.....maybe the fact they put up with my gay bullshit

😘 talk about your crush or partner

gay. moving on.

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back?

ya betch

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

-hair

-singing

-cuteness factor

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it?

HMM im mainly scared of losing my friends and thatll take more than just mental training to move on, but uhh i DO have a mild fear of getting assaulted..........idk how to fix that bc its actually really bad paired up w paranoia

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

kuro kiryu. he can also easily make me cRY WHEN HES A FUCKING RANKING CARD.

💙 what annoys you about some people?

when they do stuff theyre not asked to do and complain like “oh my GOd [persons name] why cant you do this??? im so tired, i just wanna rest, but i HAVE to do this!!” like shut up no one asked you to do it, if youre so tired to rest first and then do it.

another irritating thing is people who use the term “special snowflake” unironically especially on kids who make edgy/mary sue ocs like shut up ugly let them grow up and regret their choices by themselves, dont teach them its okay to make fun of younger people for their edgy ocs

😤 do you get angry easily?

irritated??? ya, angry??? no

youd have to do some fucked shit to get me angry, but i do get irritated fast

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

I DONT THINK I CAN TALK ABOUT THEM HERE,,,

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?

-education system

-change how the U.S. ignores the struggles of third world countries unless it profits them/benefits them

-solar energy  

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?

“GKL JGAE THE ODDBALLS”

kiss - wataru

befriend - rei

marry - natsume

kill - shu

✈️ what is your dream city and why?

SAN DIEGO!!! its got such a nice vibe, its never too hot there, NATURE!!! I LOVE THE SCENERY THERE EVEN IN THE CITY THERES TREES AND ITS SO NICE!! its just got such a nice vibe to it i havent felt anywhere else and its SO NICE!!

☕️ talk about your ideal day

ideal day, i get to be home alone, play both of AKATSUKI’s albums while talking and playing games with friends without worry ill be too loud to anyone else, i get good food, and i have a nice dream that i remember vividly

alternatively, visiting a bunch of greenhouses/nature filled areas would be Great

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?

uhh im gonna go with ambivert/introvert leaning

💧 when was the last time you cried?

crying as in “i feel like Death”, literally a few hours ago because i remember the daikagura kuro.....

as in actually breaking down, yesterday was really bad grhgra

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

1. love letter of the brilliance of cherry blossoms

2. temptation magic

3. ryusei hanabi

4. hinakura to neji ama 

5. the living ghost is alive

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why?

HMMM this is actually hard for me to pick bc ive had multiple kins where i had powers fuc UHHH

its really hard for me to pick just one, so i guess ill just list off top 5 and why

1. teleportation - i could teleport to my friends cities, also i could prob trick people into thinking im running when im just teleporting inch by inch/foot by foot >:3c

2. deceiving ability like kano - ,,,it seems pretty neat

3. the ability to cheer people up - ,,, it seems pre

4. shapeshifting/transformation - theres absolutely no consequences to being able to make myself taller.........

5. weapon/item creation - i could just make headphones instead of buying them AND i can ensure theyll last

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?

dont worry about how youre being treated now, itll get better

💚 who are you jealous of and why?

ahh, its hard for me to be jealous uhh

in one aspect, i guess te/tora since hes so energetic and hes paired so often with ku/ro...im pretty jealous

in another aspect, j/acksep/ticeye or th/omas san/ders. id love to be able to make a difference to others like how they do, not to mention id love to be as energetic as them

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why?

bravery definitely. im fairly kind, i have enough brain power (OOOOO AIEOU JOO-) to get by, im fine with how cute i am >;3c, wealth is good but over bravery which im very much lacking in, id rather be brave so i could do so many things id love to do......

🙊 what are you ashamed of?

in a joking manner: my kink for intimidating characters. @ me chill

in a serious matter: probably the fact im awful at trying to cheer people up and i feel awful fornot even trying anymore

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn?

i know english, im VERY limited in thai/lao/japanese, and i know next to nothing of spanish/german/french but i did take a few notes about them bc i was bored. i wanna learn thai/lao the most so i can connect with my culture more, but japanese would be nice since a lot of stuff i enjoy is japanese and i dont wanna hastle others to translate stuff for me haha

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

KURO KIRYU I LOVE HIM

☁️ talk about your dream universe.

a universe where im energetic, not lazy, and motivated to continue on in life and make the world just a tad bit better. and i live with my friends in a nice house in san diego!!

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?

,,, i really dont know, and thats why im disappointed in myself

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why?

demon. theres so many types of demons i dont have to be malicious, plus i could blend in fairly well. theres no rly big downside except ill be frowned upon by other divines

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike

someone: you hurt my boyfriend you take away his fp you pretty much fuck him over and you proceed to have gross/abusive kinks shut the fuck up ugly i hate you so much and i never even talked to you i never want to see you mention his url or name ever again youre so awful

something: school fucking sucks and i can bring up a lot of reasons for this. 1: some of the teachers hired are only hired to educate, so personality wise they could be oppressive towards their students. 2: while i do feel like having a core lesson plan is okay, FORCING kids into certain core subjects is bad and they end up not learning because they feel like they HAVE to be their best or else theyll fail, and thats awful. the grading system isnt completely awful, since it shows kids areas that need to be improved, but making it some life changing thing is just...bad...because at that point it goes from “well you need to improve in these areas, so why dont we offer you help so theyll be easier!!” to “GET BETTER AT THIS OR BE FOREVER UNEMPLOYED” and i hate it. i could rant about this.

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

ive just been.....depressed bc of low swing my dude. a big issue would be my entire “i want to do good but i suck” thing, and yesterday i had a really bad dream as stated earlier and it made me extremely anxious for the entire day until i finally talked to my friend about it. theres also the fact i have school but theres no way i can finish it now

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?

vet, now im like...im unsure... i wanna get into architech/floor planning/house designing and also be sort of like a youtube/internet idol??? if that makes sense......idk

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?

ice cream is one of the only ones i can tolerate haha- i LOVE mochi ice cream but i cant get them fresh here since theres no east asian centric stores here (only southeast/hispanic fusion stores) so rip... ia lso like cheesecake a fair bit

🍑 what are you obsessed with?

kur/o kiryu. or e/nstars in general i guess

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed?

my breathing gets a bit faster, my chest starts vaguely aching and i get nauseous

😪 what are you sick of?

THE COLD. ITS S O C O L D. PLEASE HELP.

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?

nope, not really. i do awful at horror games, im terrified of roller coasters, and the thought of jumping out of a plane makes me wanna decay

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

sh/u it/suki is Bad. the y/oi fandom is made up 80% of really bad fuj/oshi who later hopped onto an extremely controversial manhwa. hea/thens wasnt too bad of a song. i still like mi/necraft/happy tr/ee friends. i like rh/ythm games but dont like rh/ythm heaven. mc/a wasnt awful. ut/apri as an anime isnt too bad but definitely doesnt match up to the games quality in both art and story telling. id/olm@st/er is a tad bit over rated. ens/tars should be localized to ENG.

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person?

haha nope

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies?

draw/VERY rarely sew/read tarot, which is what im supposed to be doing anyways

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?

uhhh it was either te/mptation magic or love letter of the brilliance of cherry blossoms

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?

how i cant cheer people up or help people be more positive. ir aelly dont know how i can improve it my dude, but im thinking.

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

usually bunnies, but if im feelin crafty ill doodle an anime char

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams?

age mostly

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you?

INTP, and idk its just there

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite!

“the battle: ra*bits” MMMMMMMMM nito. dgmw i love mits/uru and i loved how energetic he was + i liked mitsuru too but ni/to introduced me to ku/ro in my canon and he was very supporting of me/tried his best to help me

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?

i dont really have a CELEBRITY celebrity fave but itd def be t/homas sanders internet wise

🐴 opinion on __?

“holds up kiibo”

a good boi. i trust him

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person?

ehh its actually really hard for me to become emotionally unless im deeply attached to something sooo not really

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them.

ghost girl, maximum ride, and cr*zy

i dont remember any quotes from the first and last books BUT “WE’RE LIKE FREAKIN BALLERINAS AND YOU ARE LIKE A FRIDGE WITH WINGS” will always be my fave

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

listen to music, isolate myself justtt a tad bit, and try to distract myself. it helps to a certain extent, but it wont save my ass

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad?

k/uro ki

🌍 which country do you live in?

america

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words

a fucking asshole

🐵 which quotes changed you?

“you think youre ugly but youre just not your type” -some tumblr post i cant find atm

💭 do you keep a diary?

i keep a dream journal, but i stopped keeping diaries because im wayyy too paranoid someones gonna snoop

💫 who inspires you?

HMMMM chi/aki morisawa, tho/mas sanders, and j/acksepticeye

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?

ye, theres no proof that they DONT exist (although you could argue theres also no evidence that they DO exist), PLUS i have had some experiences with ghosts! also itd be fuckin....awkward if id idnt considering i wanna get into s/pirit work

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like?

ko/toko ut/sugi is the only way i could describe it. kinda gothic-punk??? i used to be into yum/ekawaii and fa/iry kei but i ended up falling out of them.

🎬 what are some of your favourite films?

MMM ri/se of the gua/rdians was pretty good, zo/otopia was also good...the book of life was really good and i wanna watch it again now ahhh

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?

idonthaveonemymemorypastsixmonthsisgoneandmychildhoodwasfilledwithmebeinginsulted UHH one time in 6th grade i dated a dude and he gave me a teddybear/candy for valentines day and it was really nice, i felt bad since i didnt get him anything and i feel bad for not even breaking up with him to his face

🐱 what’s your dream pet like?

bunny. thats all

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be?

KURO KI