#also i'm totally straight and anything I would ever want from a man is purely physical

[gayf1hoe]

Part 9

“So I've been thinking about your predicament with Sauber and the transition to Audi which has resulted in you not having a seat. It is clear you can work miracles with an underperforming team, and given you are nowhere near ready to be in a top seat I would like to offer you a place at VCARB”

I am stunned into pure silence. On the one hand I'm elated at the job offer but I'm also a little offended at the way he offered it to me. it was like he wanted me to feel appreciative that I'm even getting an offer, which don't get me wrong, I am. 

My brain takes a few more seconds to compute what exactly has just been said to me and it doesn't take long for me to say:

“I would love to accept the offer” 

He clasps his hands together and says “perfect”. 

I find out I'm replacing Danny at VCARB and at first I'm apprehensive, I assume he doesn't have a seat for next year which makes me feel bad as he's my idol and someone I have looked up to for ages, but I'm quickly reassured when Helmut informs me that he's going to Red Bull. 

The second I leave the Red Bull building I make my way straight to the hotel to tell Max. I push past the huge flock of people still crowding on the usually quiet and tranquil  streets of Monaco. 

The sun is setting and the dim street lights have come on, but as I approach the hotel the abundance of lights stick out like a beacon of grandeur. I enthusiastically push the elevator button repetitively before the doors eventually open on the third floor. 

I lightly knock on the mahogany door and await for Max to open which doesn't take long. He has a towel draped over his shoulder and his hair is still slightly wet from the shower he had obviously taken moments before my arrival. He quickly invites me in and I stand in front of the bed, smiling ecstatically. 

“What are you so happy about?” He asks.

“Well you know how next year I don't have a seat, well I do now” 

“What?” He asks his tone of voice increasing a little. 

“Helmut has offered me a seat at VCARB”

“Oh” is the only thing he can mutter. 

“What's wrong I thought you would be happy for me”

As I finish my question he takes a seat on the edge of the bed wiping the towel across his face, avoiding all eye contact with me. I take a seat next to him and repeat my question. 

“What's wrong?”

“It's nothing” he replies 

“It's clearly something” 

“It's just with you going to VCARB I don't think it's the right choice for you” 

I am totally stunned to silence, the man who should be happy and supporting me is telling me I made the wrong decision. 

“Why is it a bad choice?” I ask standing up from the bed. 

He can't even look up at me or mutter anything. 

“Max Emilian Verstappen if you don't answer me I am walking out that door and we are done and we have only just made up” 

I give him 5 seconds and when he doesn't change anything I walk out leaving him where he is. 

TW - SH

In my room I block Max on every social media account I have and I block his contact and remove him to avoid temptation. Lying in my bed I can't help but have these festering thoughts that seem to mount up. I would go to Ollie as he's not far from here but I don't want to bother him. I finally have enough of the guilt and pain and go into the bathroom. I pull my shorts down to reveal my thighs and look at the linear scars that are a constant reminder of my past. The only one who knows about it is ollie, sure Max has seen me without my clothes on but I have always somehow managed to hide them from him. It was my way of releasing my emotions. Ollie tried to make me go to a doctor and I said I did but I never did. I knew that once I had a label on my medical record such as ‘depression' no team or sports board would ever medically clear me to join their team. I am lucky that there aren't that many, maybe 3 or 4 on each thigh and they overlap and are easily hidden by my underwear so at every medical examination I have been able to hide them.

I look at my razor that's sitting on the side trying to stop myself from even fathoming up what I might do, but temptation gets a hold of me and I do it. I cut myself, displaying how truly weak and pathetic I am.  I don't cry. Maybe I'm used to the pain. Or maybe I deserve it, I mean I have probably hurt Max. I have hurt Ollie by being a burden to him. I have hurt my friends and family by lying to them. I have hurt everyone around me, so maybe it doesn't matter if I hurt myself.

I clear myself up and place bandages around my legs and miraculously I manage to get some sleep when I get into the bed. 

The next morning I wake up to a knock on my door. I get up from my bed whining about the slight stinging sensation coming from my leg that makes me remember everything about last night and as I open the door I put on my best fake smile and see Lando standing there. 

“Can I help you?” I ask.

“My shower is not working, can I use yours?”

"Sure” I say, opening the door wider to let him in, pointing him in the direction of the bathroom. 

He isn't in there long before he comes out and says 

“Y/N is there a reason there is a bloody tissue hanging out the bin?”

I start to panic and try not to let it show. 

“I cut myself shaving last night” 

“Well where's the cut on your face?”

‘I wasn't shaving my face I was shaving my chest”

With that he goes into the bathroom and doesn't emerge for about 35 minutes before he thanks me and heads back to his room allowing me to get changed for my day out today with Ollie and Kimi to celebrate all of our amazing results and I can't wait to tell him I'm staying in F1. 

We meet in the lobby, I try my hardest to walk without a limp and when I see them I say I will be back in a second. I just need to go to the toilet. In reality I need to check my bandages haven't come loose. 

OLLIE'S POV

As I see Y/N walking away I notice he has a slight limp and he's a lot quieter than usual but I assume the limp is down to some cramp or muscle ache which isn't unusual for racing drivers. 

As we are waiting for him, Lando sparks a conversation with us and I notice he has a small plaster on his chin. 

“Another party accident” I say pointing at his chin.

“Nah I cut myself shaving” he replies.

“You must be pretty bad at shaving,” Kimi jokes.

“Not as bad as Y/N he cut himself pretty badly shaving his chest, there was such a bloody tissue in the bin… anyway I best be going have a good day guys”

How could I be so stupid and not notice the signs like last time. Y/N shaving his chest is the biggest lie he's ever told, but I suppose only I would know that man can't grow a single hair on his chest to save his life. 

I tell Kimi to wait where we are and I go into the toilets, locking the main door behind so we don't get interrupted. 

“Y/N” I call out and just as I do so he opens the stall door. 

He walks over to the sink and washes and dries his hand making out like he actually went to the toilet.

“Pull your shorts down” I declare

“if this is your way of trying to get with me you are doing it all wrong” he says trying to humour the situation. 

“Just do it Y/N” I say sternly, his face tells me that he knows that I have caught on. 

Y/N’S POV 

Ollie stands there expecting me to follow his command, but I freeze. We have been in this situation before and I promised him that if I ever felt like that again I would talk to him. But as usual I have broken my promise and let him down. 

I start to explain the whole chain of events to him and once I have finished the only thing Ollie could say is “Max is a dickhead”, normally I would be the first one to defend Max even if I knew he was the one in the wrong. But I guess when you love someone you turn blind to their mistakes. Ollie spends a good 5 minutes giving me a pep talk about how I must go to him if I am feeling down and that I will not be an inconvenience to him. After a few hugs we go out to see Kimi still standing waiting patiently for us. 

It took us ages to decide what we wanted to do today, but as it's our break before the triple header I wanted to maximise my free time and do anything apart from racing, so we decided upon going on some cool boat excursion and we decide to invite some other drivers such as Paul Aaron, Zane and somehow Zhou ends up with us. 

Zane decides not to tell us he gets seasick until we have left the harbour and are beyond any point of return. For some reason I am delegated with the responsibility of looking after him as I'm older than him and Zhou can't stand seeing people be sick. He only throws up once and then he seems to get used to the motion. We have brought parasailing equipment which is where you are attached to the boat and get pulled along. As it's only 2 at a time we take it in turns and the pairings are Ollie and Kimi, Paul and Zane and me and Zhou. As the eldest me and Zhou let the others go first but secretly I am having to prepare myself to get over my fear. I don't have a fear of heights but I have seen so many videos of the rope snapping and people falling into the sea which scares me. But much sooner than I would have liked it's our turn. The harness is fastened incredibly tight, you would think I would be used to it being a racing driver who wears these type of harnesses on a regular basis. As the boat gradually builds up speed I feel my heart start to pound against my chest wall. Time seems to pass by so slowly when you are suspended hundreds of feet in the air squeezing your teammates hand. 

As the speed starts to reduce, so does my heart rate and the tight grip I had on Zhou's hand does so too. Back on the boat my legs feel like jelly and I can barely stand up so I take a second to sit down and to calm my nerves as my hands are shaking tremendously. For the rest of the day we sunbathe and do some diving off the boat and enjoy some great food that was brought from some cheap convenience store. I know I said I wanted a break from racing but I reply to some emails on my phone including some contract negotiations with VCARB. When I told Ollie earlier when explaining the whole situation with Max he seemed more excited about the whole thing than me. Don't get me wrong I am happy and appreciative but I'm not looking forward to having Helmut Marko breathing down my neck every minute of the day. 

As well as all of that I take a chance to organise some stuff with the moving company that is bringing my stuff to my new apartment in Monaco. Much like most drivers I have decided to move to the infamous place for its history and lack of taxation on income. 

“Y/N wake up” 

I feel someone nudging my shoulder lightly, I must have fell asleep at some point or another because the last thing I remember was Zane and Paul playing Tug of war with Kimi's t-shirt but somehow amidst all the chaos I managed to fall asleep. 

The one good thing about Monaco is that all the drivers from different racing series share the same hotel so it's easy to meet up. But the bad thing about Monaco is all the drivers share the same hotel, because you have a load of drivers who all believe they are best in a close area so in the past there have been a few fights between drivers, including myself. 

I walk through the entrance and see Nikola Tsolov who I had an argument with in F3. He said I was a bad driver but all I will say is one of us is in F1 and the other is still stuck in F3. In my career I have had my fair share of confrontations but none as big as the one I had with Nikola. He averts his eyes towards me and smiles and I do the same back - despite our argument, over the past 2 years we have slowly been making up, we still aren't as good friends as we used to be but we are taking small steps to get back to that. 

In the corner of my eye I see Max walking by with Charles so I do something that me two years ago would never have done, I make conversation with Nikola. 

“Hey Tsolov,” I say. 

“Hello L/N” he replies. 

For some reason me and Nikola call each other by our last names, there is no real reason behind it. We speak until Max has left the front lobby and I start to feel at ease again. I'm also glad at no point Ollie saw him as he said he would quote, “make him suffer more than Jos did” which is both a cruel joke but also quite funny.

As it's the triple header of the season In 2 weeks time I'm looking to focus more on myself and my performance rather than my petty argument with Max so from this moment forward he doesn't exist to me and nothing he does will affect me. 

The one great thing about being a driver is companies are always looking to use you for sponsors which is great especially when one of them is a private jet company. A private jet company based out of America has chartered me an aircraft for the rest of the season which means I get to travel by myself on my own plane. The triple header this season consists of the UK, Austria and then Spain. They decided to put the UK first in the hope that the weather will be dry and sunny at the end of June but as experience tells me the UK weather is anything but predictable, I always tell people that the weather is always the opposite of the weather forecast so if they say it will be sunny and warm it will be cloudy and cold. 

And as much as I had expected when we touch down in England it is torrential rainfall and it feels like winter, but I prefer these conditions to the stifling heat, it makes driving so much more comfortable as you aren't sweating. In the European leg we don't stay in hotels, we have our own motorhomes and for some unknown reason they have decided to put Sauber next to Red Bull, it's like they want to constantly remind me of him, but I'm going to pretend he doesn't even exist. 

I quickly dump out my stuff and head to the team building for a quick meeting which goes over the plans for the weekend, the strategies and any developments or upgrades on the car. At the end Alessandro asks me to stay behind which immediately sends alarm bells ringing through my head. 

“Y/N I just wanted to clarify two things. Are you and Max still together? You haven't been seen together since the day of the Monaco GP”

“No, we decided to end things” 

“OK well I'm sorry and number two I'm hearing rumours that you are doing VCARB can you confirm” 

“Who told you that?” I ask. 

“I just heard it, but is it true?” 

“Yes”. 

He gives me a few words of wisdom and then informs me of all the data protection and stuff I can't say about the car to VCARB although with the new regulations and stuff that's coming next year I don't think it will be of much use, plus no team in F1 has ever said “I want to design a car like Sauber” if they did they must be pretty bad, but this year the team have proved themselves. 

When I entered the team meeting it was daylight and when I leave it's dark so I assume the meeting wasn't as “quick” as I thought it would be. Luckily the hospitality team have already set up and I am able to get some food before heading back to my motorhome. For the rest of the evening I watch some TV and get some much needed sleep for media day tomorrow. 

Media day is and will always be the worst part of being a racing driver and since the FIA has made it mandatory for all drivers to participate in media day there is no escaping it. I walk into the paddock at 9 in the morning and see Kelly Piquet who is the daughter of 3 time world Champion Nelson Piquet. I don't pay much attention to so-called celebrities in the paddock as I have no interest in meeting famous people. And Nelson Piquet has never been my most favourite F1 driver, in fact he doesn't even come close. 

My first interview is with an Australian sports channel that I have never even heard of. 

Interviewer: “Y/N you have 1 career win. Are you hoping for another this weekend?”

Y/N: “Well of course, I wouldn't be a racer if I wasn't always fighting for the top step of the podium”

Interviewer: “You are P3 in the standings. Are you in the fight for the championship or are you leaving it to Max and Lewis” 

Y/N: “I think I prefer to perfecting my skills for next year” 

Interviewer: “Well talking of next year we know you don't have a seat but in an interview with Max Verstappen earlier when he was asked to provide an insight into next years seats he said “VCARB are taking on a driver who is talented but still not worthy of a top seat but has been trying too hard to prove that this year” was he talking about you?” 

Y/N: “Well I don't know who VCARB is taking on, we don't even know if Red Bull and are keeping Perez so I think for now I would rather focus on the present and not make childish rumours and speculations”

That dickhead. He knew exactly what he was saying during that interview. It takes a lot from me not to go and find him and punch him in his face. But I have already made myself quite unpopular with the FIA so I suppose I better be on my best behaviour and not antagonise them any more than I already have.

When I finally get back to my motorhome at the end of the day I do my regular routine of aimlessly scrolling through my social media accounts and all I can see are posts labelled:

“Max Vertsappen seen with Kelly Piquet in the F1 paddock”

“Y/N L/N and Max Verstappen have not been seen together since the Monaco GP”

“Could Max Verstappen be dating Kelly Piquet?” 

I decide to just switch off my phone and I ignore it, if he's dating her I don't really care, if he's moved on that quickly I guess I never really mattered to him so why should I cause myself to be enmeshed in a net of complex emotions because of a man who just uses people and tosses them to the side like they never existed, for someone who tries not to be like his dad the similarities are uncanny, I guess the ���apple doesn't fall far from the tree”. 

Rain. It's a wonderful thing when you are trying to gather slick tyre data on the track. Since last night it has been non stop raining but the FIA have still given the go ahead on Free Practice. In FP1 I get soaked and Pierre, Oscar and Alex all spun out but there were no red flags. 

The times don't change much with me finishing P1 in FP1 and then P2 in FP2 behind the home hero Lewis, but we will see what happens in Qualifying tomorrow. 

Q1 is the easiest part of qualifying, most drivers know they can go faster than Williams and Alpine and one of the Haas cars is bound to be out in Q1 so it gives all the other drivers reassurance that they will make it to at least Q2. And my confidence is well proven as I make it to Q2 with ease. Q3 is harder to achieve but the rain makes it hard for most drivers but I prefer driving in the rain so I manage to keep my car under control and excel through Q3. 

“Recharge on, that's P2, good job the cars around you are Hamilton on Pole, Verstappen P3, Norris P4 and Russell P5”

“Good job guys, we will push again tomorrow” 

The weather forecast for today is looking a bit weird, there's a huge uncertainty about whether it will rain or not so we start the GP on dry tyres. 

“Y/N we are expecting rain within 10 minutes at Level 1 then around 5 minutes after that it's looking to be a level 2” 

Perfect. A race in the rain is what I love the most. And that's actually not sarcasm. But I know I'm next to Lewis who performs just as well in the rain so it won't be a breeze. 

“It's lights out and away we go”

I get a good start to the race, but so does Lewis but leading into turn one the Red Bull behind me tries to push me wide and touches my side pod. 

“Guys what's the fuck is this idiot doing he just crahsed into my side”

“Yep copied we are reporting it” 

3 laps in and the order is still the same with me trailing behind Hamillton. 

“Y/N Verstappen has a 5 second time penalty for the incident” 

I secretly let out a cheer of joy. But as I do it gets better as I see specks of rain on my visor but it's still nowhere near the changeover point. Lap by lap grip falls away. And then the command comes.

“box, box”

Everyone boxes except from Max who is now leading the GP by 9.4 seconds but I guess that was a mistake as the next thing I hear is:

“Red Flag, Red Flag. Delta positive Vertsappen has had a shunt in Stowe” 

Typical Max arrogance thinking he could do better on the slicks than everyone else. I follow the common driver's courtesy of asking if he is okay, but I don't ask it in a sincere or concerned tone. 

The race restarts after 25 minutes and the rain has picked up and is showing no sign of clearing so the team predicts we will run the wets to the end. 

“And again is lights out an away we go” 

I get off the line better than Lewis and lead into turn 1 and start to build a gap. Lap by lap Lewis is chasing me down then I hear something I was hoping not to hear. 

“Y/N we have floor damage from one of the curbs expect to see performance to fall away” 

And my performance just does that. On the last lap the gap between me and Lewis has gone from 3.2 seconds to a mere 0.5 and in the last corner he dives and retakes the lead of his home GP to win. I come in a respectable 2nd. 

“P2 recharge on” 

“Yep good race, apart from the damage but congratulations to Lewis for another home win it's well deserved” 

On the cool down lap I drive alongside Lewis to congratulate him and then I drive to parc ferme to park in front of the number 2 sign. 

In the cooldown room me, Lewis and Carlos watch the race replay and see that Max was the only one who didn't pit, every other driver did and the all the teams pretty much double stacked so I don't see why Max believed he was any different when it come to the amount of grip he could find if 19 other drivers couldn't.

Unlike the past when me and Max had fallen out and I had a podium he wasn't in the crowd but I'm not concerned. Champagne and rain soaked we all leave the podium to get changed ahead of more interviews. In the pit lane I see Kelly flaunting herself around Max and the desperation she has for some affection is embarrassing to see and I even feel embarrassed for her, and I feel sorry if that's the only way she can get attention. As I walk to my garage I have to pass the Red Bull one and Checo sees me and approaches.

He pulls me into a hug and starts a conversation. 

“Good job with P2 you were on fire on the wets, shame about the damage”

“Yeah but that's life I guess” 

“So I hear you are going to VCARB from Helmut” 

“I am. And where are you going?” 

“I'm going over to Aston Martin to replace Fernando as he's retiring this year” 

“Damn Aston Martin is turning into the retirement home for drivers” 

With that concluding moment I give Checo a hug goodbye and see Max and Kelly glaring at us. It may surprise people to learn that me and Checo are good friends and I remember when I was younger I had a photo of me meeting him on a grid walk with my family and ever since then he has been an amazing role model for me. 

Entering the garage the team Cheers for me and I thank them all for their hard work and apologise for the fact I didn't win but we have another 2 races to improve and it's clear our upgrades are really working. 

Back in my motorhome I get a notification from a news site and see the title and it angers me even though it shouldn't.

“Max Verstappen spotted kissing Kelly Piquet, not long after separation from Sauber Driver Y/N L/N” 

Part of me isn't even surprised and when I'm about to switch my phone off I hear a knock on the door. I open it to see Ollie and Kimi standing there in the rain with boxes of chocolate, ice cream and canned drinks. 

“What's all this for?” I ask.

“Well it's a celebration for your P2 result but it's also a depression feast because of that dick” Ollie explains.

“Guys I'm fine honestly” 

“Nonsense we are coming in and eating our body weight in food whether you like it or not” and with that they invite themselves in, and begin taking off their rain soaked shoes and coats placing them by the door before placing all the food on the counter. 

“It's going to be a long night”. 

In the morning I wake up feeling a little sick but we ate so much ice cream and snacks filled with sugar so it's understandable. Kimi slept on the couch that turns into a bed and Ollie shared the bed with me. Which for some may seem unusual but it's something we have done since we met in F2. 

I have a shower and get dressed before seeing that Ollie is awake but Kimi is still fast asleep but that may be down to the fact we didn't go to sleep until 4 AM. So I get some water from the fridge and we pour a little onto his face causing him to groggily awake, cussing at me and Ollie. 

As we begin throwing water around there is a knock on the door and ollie opens it and I hear the indistinguishable Dutch accent of Max. Thankfully it was Ollie that opened the door and not me but it would have been better for Max if I opened the door. 

“What do you want?” Ollie asks in a provoking tone. 

“Can I speak to Y/N” he asks. 

“No” Ollie simply replies 

“OK well can you give him this” he says handing a grey box to Ollie. 

As Ollie closes the door I rush over to open the box but Ollie stops me and says 

“if it's a gift give it to me and I will take it back to him, no way does he do all that to you and apologise with a small gift” 

As I open the box it's the key to my apartment that I had given him to help me move, and part of me realises that our relationship has truly come to and end but part of me is grateful to be free of Max and the pressure that comes with dating him and if Kelly likes the pressure and attention she's welcome to him. 

Next up Austria and I plan to ruin Red Bull's home race. 

[ted-spankoffski69]

Oh yeah I saw him hitting on Hidge! Now I reeeaally wanna get him drunk and see what happens! So many years of repressed sexuality and religious trauma to get out of his system...

Ok kids, first of all, that wouldn't make you siblings, Pete, I'm not your dad. You'd be Grace's uncle. Also, I don't wanna have anything to do with his family, I just want to see where the evening is going. Seriously, kids, what's wrong with you? I don't want a serious relationship!

THEODORE JOEY SPANKOFFSKI, YOU KISSED MARK CHASITY BEFORE???????

- Pete

I did? OH RIGHT I DID! That was back in high school. I totally forgot about that... Hehe. Ted Spankoffski - corrupting pure christian prudes since 2005.

Wait how did you find out about that?

[awalkoflife]

sometimes i'm totally fine and then i'll think about india's reaction to felix's death.

this is purely based on my own headcanons and my interpretation of india as a character so feel free to disengage entirely, i just needed to write it down. i think that india and felix were close friends before they ever became lovers. there isn't a lot of evidence to back this up but there is a level of comfort and familiarity and consistency with the two of them that would suggest they have a bond that extends beyond just mere sexual intimacy and attraction. she respects him for who he is, for his quirks and charms and yes, even his flaws. she understands him, can relate to him, is aware of the pressure and the pedestal that he's been placed upon.

india was the girl born into privilege, who was given everything from a young age not only because she was wealthy but because she was beautiful. i think she shared this burden with felix --- both of them yearned for a deeper connection, to find a sense of clarity and purpose. she is spoiled and entitled and a princess in every sense of the word but she isn't cruel. her heart is easily bruised and although defiant in nature, she craves the idealisation of belonging. she never wanted to solely belong to a world of materialistic aristocracy, she wanted to belong to him. to experience genuine love with someone who knew what it was already like to have everything else in the world handed to you on a silver platter. she wanted the kind of love with felix that wasn't easily obtained. true love. the kind of love money or privilege or status couldn't buy. something that would forever be just theirs.

the night of felix's death, i don't think it was their first rendezvous in the maze. yes, they were a little drunk and intoxicated but they were also giddy and laughing and holding hands. they knew what they were about to get up to and they were revelling in it together. that sense of familiarity is echoed in this scene; with each other, with the location, with the utter excitement both are experiencing as a result. there's also something to be noted about the way that they escaped together. they wanted to be alone, to detach themselves from the suffocating confines of oliver's party inside of the saltburn estate. it wasn't just about sex for them. it was about being alone, just the two of them, in their own private domain where they could give each other pleasure and intimacy and a taste of the connection they were craving. to me, this decision on their part made a statement: it wasn't just a quickie, it hinted a lot more about the precious, sacred nature of their relationship.

although not included in the canon event of the movie, there's an alternate reality where my portrayal of india would have gone up to felix's bed and slept there the night of the party. she would have waited on him even though they were interrupted, fallen asleep and would have woken the following morning to her worst nightmare come true. grief, up until that day, was a foreign concept to india --- a girl who had never lost anything of importance. while she worshipped felix the same way that everyone else did, it wasn't as straight forward as simple infatuation. in truth, it didn't start out that way for her. india first fell in love with felix while they were friends, before they ever became lovers. she loved him for the man that he was. the vivacious, fun, gorgeous, silly, wondrous creation. he was a dear friend first and foremost, someone who she wanted to protect, to cherish and to hopefully be with in the end. the loss of felix in her life represented more than just the loss of love. it stole away a part of herself that she'll never be able to retain, a part of herself that he awakened within her. she'll never forgive herself for leaving him in the maze and for not going back to check on him. life, inevitably, is never the same without felix river catton.

[titsgirlbuffy]

hey sorry if you've gotten a million alerts about me liking way too many of your posts!! i'm currently rewatching Buffy and Angel for the first time in over a decade (i first watched both shows between ages 10 and 13 so this has been an eye opening rewatch) and the hyperfixation has returned big time! I've been scouring the internet for meta and all of yours that i've read resonate with me a lot.

if you ever feel like writing them out (no pressure of course!) i'd love to read some more of your gay Wesley thoughts -- i've also always read him as gay, and i have such a strange time going into his tag on tumblr because soooo much of it is Wes/Lilah content. i'm particularly curious about your thoughts on how a gay reading of Wesley impacts his storylines with Lilah, Fred, and maybe Virginia. also sorry if all this is weird from a non-Buffy-blog stranger!!

Omg Thank You for sending this! It’s been sitting in my inbox for a while cause I needed to actually think about it in words rather than just. Autistic screeching. And also cause I wanted to see more of the Wesley/Lilah relationship to make sure my first thoughts weren’t totally baseless (if anything they’re being proven further). Just watched Apocalypse Now-ish so there’s probably later stuff I’d add in if I’d seen the whole show.

I’m really surprised by how many fans read him as straight (no offense but we have different eyes). Wesley’s coded as queer pretty often – part of it’s just the queer-coding of the Buffyverse supernatural in general (see This Old Gang of Mine for a questionable but really clear-cut example), but there’s also tons where it’s him specifically (in Sanctuary where the council’s kill squad call him out on his “perverted” relationship with Angel and also call him a ponce, Wesley stopping Angel in that same episode before the fight to make sure he knows he gave up a chance to go home and be accepted by his father and culture For Angel, multiple times in season one when outsiders assume he and Angel are together, that time Angel gets possessed by an old guy who assumes Wesley is his boyfriend and tries to let him down gently but freaks out when Wesley goes to touch him… etc etc etc). Plus the way he looked up to Angel in early seasons absolutely comes across as a crush, he and Gunn were So into each other but Wesley especially was repressed about it (running theme, man radiates internalised homophobia), and all his relationships with women… well, there’s Layers going on.

So his early relationship with Cordelia was the first time (if you don’t count just. Looking at him) I solidly thought Wesley must be gay, rather than any other label. To me that’s absolutely a comphet relationship on his part. The crucial parts of the Cordelia/Wesley relationship is that 1. He sees himself as “a bad, bad man” for wanting to pursue anything with Cordelia, and as such 2. She is completely unattainable, but 3. When it’s proven that she’s Not unobtainable actually, the relationship falls apart the instant they try to do anything about it. He’s attracted to Cordelia because it’s a safely straight crush where he’s not Allowed to actually follow through on anything (and panics the moment he does anyway), and to an extent because a relationship would give him a reason to stay in California.

I headcanon Wesley as actually working out that he’s gay between seasons 1 and 2 – purely because he’s the one who introduces the group to Caritas and was visiting it between seasons, which… do I need to explain why Caritas is a gay bar? Please feel to ask me to explain that if anyone doesn’t get it, but for now, trust me, as a frequenter of gay karaoke bars, Caritas is 100% a gay karaoke bar. This is also around the time he starts dressing differently, stops wearing multi-piece fully buttoned suits year round in California. He’s getting more comfortable being himself.

Which all makes his relationship with Virginia really interesting. They met when he was mimicking Angel’s Straight Man Persona (literally in the same episode where Angel was getting therapy and being told that his manly persona is an act and that it’s hurting him. Yeah), and I’m not totally sure if she was a beard or a purposefully chosen Public Relationship. She was a billionaire socialite – again, Wesley’s internalised homophobia is off the charts, and this is a relationship that got into the papers (and would definitely get back to his family, if they made any effort to look). Sidenote, I’m genuinely certain that he was just homeless until they got together. Wesley is established as Broke™, starts dating a billionaire, and suddenly has a large swank apartment? In LA? I am simply drawing connections. So yeah, while I’m undecided about how much Virginia knew this, their relationship reads as one based on public persona and just social climbing generally.

Fred’s the most complicated of his relationships with women. The rivalry with Gunn is probably a part of it, but actually I think a bigger part is Billy. As in, Billy, the guy who made any guy who touched him (or his blood, sorry Wes) become violently misogynistic. Side eyeing the writers for that one, but still, it Really fucked Wesley up. Fred was fine, she doesn’t blame him, but after the spell wore off Wesley literally hid in his room for a week then told her “I don’t know what kind of man I am anymore” then Cut His Hair Short Again. Some sort of closeness to Fred had been alluded to before this (protecting her in This Old Gang Of Mine despite her very much being able to protect herself, suddenly being given an interest in science despite being a linguist), but that was really the turning point for this being a textual Attraction. Even then, similar to the Cordelia thing, Wesley never makes a move (assuring everyone who asked that he would when he was ready. Okay), and when he talks about it, it’s an attraction to a Fred that literally doesn’t exist.

Fred doesn’t need anyone making a shovel talk on her behalf – she can and will just kill them herself (at the point I’m at, she and Gunn might break up because He killed someone when she’d wanted to do it on her own). There was a great moment when Lilah dressed up as “Fred”, complete with schoolgirl outfit and glasses, and the shot cut to Fred, hair down, glasses free, ready to hunt a ghost with Gunn. The irony is that the Fred who actually Does exist has way more in common with Wesley (it’s honestly just the gender that’s the issue here), but in a combo of self hatred and need to redeem himself post-Billy, Wesley’s created this sweet innocent young scientist who he needs to Protect™. Is that love? Well, he didn’t make a move when he thought it was.

I can see why people like his relationship with Lilah. They’re awful. Literally the first time they slept together it was because Wesley was So depressed and was hoping he wouldn’t regret it until the morning (didn’t work. Regretted it instantly). He doesn’t have a job, and Lilah’s trying to recruit him to W&H. I said, the second time we saw them on screen, that he was prostituting himself. I was joking! But uh. Canon jokes about how “giving” Lilah is. Expensive bribes (“gifts”, Lilah insists) Wesley could never afford. He makes a bet with her for ONE DOLLAR, loses, she MAKES HIM SIGN THE DOLLAR, and then LEAVES IT WITH HIM. They’re in bed for this. I just. I was joking. I wasn’t expecting an actual scene of them in bed with a dollar bill between them. What the fuck. Anyway, that aside, he really does just hate himself right now, tangibly depressed post-baby-theft, and Lilah is There. Caritas doesn’t exist any more and there’s no plausible deniability in a non-demon gay bar.

Thanks again for reading my stuff @lostupst8 <3 never apologise for spamming me, I crave attention

[marshmallowprotection]

Hey! I just wanted to jump in with the trend of the Saerans taking care of those of us with disabilities, because, well...like everyone else I personally am just curious about how he would...react.

I was perfectly fine when I was a kid in terms of health, nothing wrong or weird or different at all - but then when I became a teen, about 14/15 ish upwards, I started experiencing these weird...blurry, dizzy episodes.

My vision becomes distorted, I see sharp flashes of light and jarring, swirling colours like a crazy rainbow. I can't understand or hear anything around me.

Sometimes I've even momentarily blacked out when they hit, and often, my memory literally wipes itself of what the heck just happened.

Once I was in a dentist's waiting room with my mum for an appointment then I had one of those things.

When she saw I was sort of freezing up and sitting really still and wide-eyed, oh man she must've been like wtf

And even more WTF a while after it, when I was slowly coming back around. I asked her what happened. She said I'd felt sick at the dentist, and then I asked her outright, 'What's a dentist?'

I didn't even know what had happened. At all.

It was so bizarre.

And my body must respond to what's happening as well, because there was one time where I vividly remember my ears feeling totally blocked and ringing, but pounding with my pulse all at the same time.

...

I also discovered that if I'm standing up when one happens, my legs just don't like it at all. Balance, perception, movement - I immediately stumble, I can't walk, my legs and feet just...turn into pure jelly.

...

A couple of times I've nearly straight-up collapsed, but my mum managed to catch me before I've ever fully fallen. (My mum is the best 😥❤)

These episodes themselves, they aren't painful, they don't hurt when they're happening, but they usually mess up my head afterwards with a migraine, nausea and a big old dump of brain fog, like I kind of already explained. I never really remember anything except for everything being so wacky and distorted.

And just to top it all off, I also started getting these weird jerks in my body. I'm not sure if it's all connected though, because I'm perfectly fine otherwise, no blanking out etc, but they're definitely...something, to have started up around the same time as the other things developed. But they're just weird little body jerks, like spasms of my head, arms, hands, legs, etc - though they sometimes can be so strong that they make me gasp or like, force a noise like huh!!?.

I'm like a hazard to everything around me XD;;; They happen almost daily.

...

Um. So. I was pretty terrified to find out what all of these things were, and it took a pretty long time to get appointments, especially in neurology, because every doctor I'd seen pretty much agreed that these were brain things.

When I heard that, I freaked. My brain? Brain??!!

So far, I've had two (terrifying) MRI scans and a weird process where they stick a bunch of little circles with wires all stemming from them all around your head. They were all connected to this little device that I had to wear like a little fanny pack thing, and I had to have all of that for five days.

But they didn't really find anything in that, and the MRI's weren't as clear as they could have been in a result.

But! The general conclusion is a late-developing form of epilepsy which only emerges during puberty, because of the major shift in hormones! ^^ ... :(

It was...so scary to learn. And especially something like epilepsy, which is so widely branded as, thought to be, and even warned as something so serious, even life-threatening in some cases. But there are different kinds of epilepsy. Some are severe, some are mild, like mine seems to be.

These blurry episodes I get, they are most likely seizures, but they're something called 'absence seizures', because you...just kind of go...still, for a while. Almost like you...disappear.

And that's why, I think...it feels so awful. I must literally...disappear for a while. And I don't know what happened, except for little snippets.

Even though nobody but me could know what they feel like, I...still feel so isolated, and dissonant, like I'm not even in line with the world anymore, in a weird way, because sometimes I just boop out for even just a minute. But a minute... is a long...time, with this.

I'm on medication, which has improved my symptoms and definitely and thankfully, lessened the amount of episodes I get, but I do still experience them. I only seem to get them now - and most beautifully - when hormones want to shift and come to the party, so why wouldn't they love to come on in for a girl's favourite time of the month? ^^

....

I'm just so weary, and I feel so alone, and just...broken, in a way. These episodes just make me feel like my brain is a total malfunctioning mess, and sometimes I even feel like that means I'm some sort of damaged mess too.

...

I know, this post is so long and I'm sorry and I know to read what goes on with me and all of this stuff must be so difficult to understand and barely make sense, but...

I don't know. When I read how other people have Saeran as their comfort in difficult or complicated times, whatever they may be, I just felt kind of like a weird spark of hope, like oh...!

I really care about Saeran, and he says he cares about us too. But I would never have brought up my seizures, I don't even think of them when I play MysMes because it's an escape. Even if I have a seizure when I'm literally playing the game - which I have before - it never takes me long afterwards to get back into it - to remember, everything I was doing and being like...yeah. Yeah...!

So...when I'm playing the game, I always try to erase how much they bother me and how much they upset me, but I can't, because these things are part of me now. Inherently.

I would never want to bring it up. Not to somebody I care about, not to somebody who sees me in a nice way - somebody who tells me I'm so lovely and beautiful and angelic - to then see...all of that.

...Genuinely, it's scary to watch me when I'm having one of my seizures. I've been told.

I never knew what I looked like (apart form my weird twitches, because I can laugh them off and be like lol, my arm just flung out) until I actually asked my mum.

Of course, she's used to it all now, but she said that they do look genuinely frightening sometimes.

My seizures, I mean. And now that I know, I never want anyone to look at me again. When I even get a little anxious thought that I might have one (sometimes I can predict if I feel kind of 'out of it' that day), I immediately go somewhere alone. I want to be by myself. I don't want anyone to watch me.

Because it just looks so ugly.

Apparently, I go really still. I'm unresponsive and sort of start to dribble at the mouth because my saliva's like, bro, what do I do - because I look like I'm trying to speak. But I don't. Or likely, can't.

And my eyes kind of...roll, too. And I can only hope that I'm doing that because I must be panicking.

But it is a seizure. So. Probably not.

I don't even know yet, what the best way is to recover from my seizures. Little ones are okay. I can more or less shake them off quite fast. But the big ones, the ones which are so horrific to experience - so far I've just...learned that all I can do really is to lie down with a blanket, maybe, and try to slowly come round from my crazily spinning, throbbing, head. And such confusion. I can't even recognise my mum when she's comforting me afterwards. I can't speak, or even think.

I love my mum so much...but what really helped me from my dark place of such misery during the really tough times was MysMes. Even just the routine of it. The chatrooms, calls, characters. It was every day. Always something to look forward to, even if I was slammed down by a seizure.

...

But I don't want the RFA to be scared of me. It's so easy to be, by my seizures.

Man, I'm so happy that in game they don't get to meet you. I don't want them to know me. I'd beg them not to even look at me if I felt that a seizure might be coming. I just can't stop myself being so afraid that all I look like is some sort of weird...freaky alien.

When I got the game, I was in such a sad place. I started feeling like the RFA were my friends, because I was so lonely irl.

And then with Saeran, I...

I just have this connection to him. A special little bond that I grip onto for dear life.

But it...just breaks my heart a bit, how he's come so far and is beginning to heal his wounds.

He's recovering from his trauma, he's reached a level of fulfillment, he's learning how to love himself and live in peace.

But I'm not there yet. I can't live in peace with this, and I just can't...love myself. I feel so broken and ugly for being how I am, even though I can't stop it. My seizures are scary, and my body twitches are uncomfortable and laughable.

Saeran's a man so full of love. His heart is just brimming with it, but...then there's just...me.

I have a little Ray plushie that I cuddle sometimes, but not often because I'm scared that I'll accidentally drop him or throw him across the room with an arm or hand jerk XDDDD

I just...wish I could get a real big hug from him, you know?

Just a huge, huge cuddle that never ends.

...

I'm sorry, this whole post is such a mess.

Hi, Anon! Thank you for sharing your story with me because I know it's difficult to try and explain all of these feelings to someone who's unaware of the depth of everything you go through. While we may not share the same disability, I hope you find a sense of kinship in me as we talk about this underneath the cut!

My story is like yours, anon. I grew up without any serious medical problems that I could speak of. I was healthy until I wasn't. Twice, it happened to me. I woke up twice on two separate occasions within a year and my body stopped functioning the way that it was supposed to. First, my back went out, and walking became an issue off and on, and then my stomach stopped functioning on me.

That's really how it happens to a lot of people. One minute, we don't have any issue, but the next, something's wrong and we don't know how to explain it. For me, I can remember that moment when things changed. I couldn't breathe, my vision went blurry, and everything in my body felt numb. I didn't know how to explain it. It took months of fighting doctors and specialists to find figure out what went wrong.

The only answer for me is idiopathic. There was nothing to explain why I suddenly had Gastroparesis. I know relatively why my back is an issue, but there's no answer for my stomach. It changed my life forever when it happened. Things I took for granted are things that I'm unable to enjoy without weighing the risks of doing them again.

For me, I have to watch what I eat because if your food doesn't go through your guts, they'll just sit there and rot until it kills you right where you stand or you get help for it. I grieve a lot because think of how many things in our culture, our society, and our world bring us to the table and bring people together. I can't participate many times. I have to sit out and that's hard.

I won't get into details but... stomach issues are taboo and "gross" so I don't often get to vent or talk about what's wrong. It's funny since I used to be more anxious and shy about talking about "gross" things, but you learn how to talk about them when you're sick and need the help. It's not shameful. Everyone has a body and bodies do things to survive that aren't always "pretty".

It pains me to hear that you're afraid that you're "gross" or "ugly" because of how your body reacts. It's not. People who love you for who you are won't be disgusted by you. You're you, and that means your seizures are a part of you. Saeran won't think you're ugly for it. He never would.

He wants you to be happy with yourself, but he more than anyone knows what you're feeling. He knows that shame you feel because he's spent too much of his life sick. I'm sure his mother let him know many horrible ableist things when he wasn't well, and his heart would ache to know that you might've experienced that kind of pain. Or, to a lesser extent, if you've experienced internalized ableism.

You're not ugly, my friend. The only thing that's ugly is people who make you feel ugly. Who cares if you drool or have spasms? Saeran would learn how to help. Do you need your neck elevated? Are you in need of someone to guard you? Do you need to make sure nobody is "a kind stranger" who wants to stop you from jerking (we know that type does more harm than good)?

Saeran won't let anyone disrespect you or touch you when you're in the middle of an episode. He will learn how to be your protector just as you've learned how to protect him. You're not a burden or an issue to him. Don't ever think that. And, please, if you need it, let yourself be okay to imagine him comforting you after an episode. He would do that for you.

The entire RFA would. They wouldn't let you feel insecure or shameful about it. You're not scary. You're not a monster. You're not alien. You are human just as much as I am. If anyone says otherwise, just let me know because I don't stand for ableism. I sure as hell don't stand for it in our comfort spaces. Saeran would never let you feel blue over this.

You wouldn't let him feel bad about himself no matter what, right?

Why can't he do the same?

But, just like you, I've had Mystic Messenger since 2016. I'd been fighting for at least 4 months through things I still can't even talk about when I met the RFA. They welcomed me when I was losing everything. I lost a lot of people because, as I'm sure you're aware when you don't "get better" from your chronic illness, a lot of people will disappear.

The sympathy stops.

People don't want to hear about things anymore.

But, the RFA was there for me. They didn't make me think about the pain and hurt. They gave me a chance to be helpful and myself again. Being the party coordinator... helping everyone... that's me. What I'm confident in about myself is that I try to brighten people's days even if all I can do is give them one little thing that makes it okay for just a minute. Helping them helped me. I felt seen. I didn't have to be afraid of being myself with the RFA.

Because they're characters that learn how to live without fear in their hearts because of what we, the players, do for them. They grow and change for the better, but never ever lose the essence of what makes them who they are. You don't have to be afraid of them judging you or thinking less of you with the fourth wall there to protect you, but if I can tell you anything, it's that the RFA would never judge you or think less of you.

It doesn't matter who you are or what you're going through.

They'd do everything to understand and learn how to be there for you the way you need just as you learned for them. It doesn't matter what you deal with. They'll learn, adapt, and understand. You did all that for them. They'll do that for you.

If anything, anon, I want you to know that grief is okay. People like you and me, we cycle through the stages of grief. It's natural and it's okay. I'm not at peace with myself sometimes. You feel denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But, you don't just feel the stages of grief and get over it. You go through it every day, some are easier and some are harder. But, remember one thing, you're allowed to feel whatever you need.

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You don't need to be okay every day. You don't need to be inspiration porn. You don't need to be the model of "if they can do it, you can do it." All you need to do is be you and whatever that means for you, I hope you're able to find peace on the good days. I hope the pain lessens.

Saeran loves you, Anon.

He always will.

And I know he'd sit next to me when I can't stop crying about the loss I've experienced just as much as he'd be ready and able to sit by your side and hold your hand when you cry about your fears. We're in this life together, whether we know each other or not, and I hope this will make you feel a little less alone and a little more seen.

[transboythoughts]

Personal dilemmas

I've been journaling a lot lately and for some reason think it's a good idea to do that on the internet for the whole world to potentially see. But really I'm just lonely and don't feel like I can talk to anyone in my real life.

I've made a lot of mistakes since I came out as trans and I'm kind of hoping that someone might read this and tell me they understand.

I came out publicly about 2.5 years ago after questioning my gender for a year. I was in a fortunate position where I was over 18 so didn't have to worry about permission from anyone, so I started transitioning straight away. I've been on T for 2 years and I'm 1 year post-op for top surgery. I've never felt better about my body and people actually see me as a guy which is more than I ever thought possible.

But like I said before, I have made a lot of mistakes. None of them had to do with my medical transition, that I have absolutely no regrets about. The social aspects of my transition however have been less than stellar.

If anyone does read this, I would like to say that everything I have to say further I can only say because I have thought about it extensively and now have the understanding and language to write about why I did the things I did. But at the time of these events, I was blind to my reasons and purely acting out of my emotions.

So, let's go back to when I came out. I was really nervous and took my time to tell people individually. My friends were first. I knew them all from high school and, like I knew they would be, they were very accepting. My family was also accepting. There was still awkwardness with some more extended family members but overall it went very positively. But through this whole coming out process I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was convinced that people weren't as accepting as they said they were and that they would all abandon me eventually. So I became very distant. I stopped talking to my sister as much, I froze my mum out (but that's a long story and involves a lot of history that isn't just me being trans), and I essentially broke up with all of my friends.

But it wasn't just as cut and dry as that. It was a long drawn-out process of people trying to reach me and talk to me and asking if I was okay. And I was telling everyone I was totally fine, that I was happy, and that I still wanted them in my life. I would make plans with my friends, and then cancel last minute. I would leave messages unread for days or weeks from people that I used to speak to daily. And while I was clearly not okay, I wasn't in a headspace to understand that. Every time someone tried to talk to me about it and explain how my distancing myself was affecting them, I became so defensive. Well, defensive internally. I was so convinced that I was okay that I couldn't see how my actions didn't line up with that. So I kept telling everyone that I was okay, or it was just dysphoria and that I really appreciated them checking in and promised we would really hang out soon.

I really thought I was lying when I said it was dysphoria causing me to distance myself. I was using it as an excuse when people didn't let up on their concerns because no one argued with it. But I was lying to myself. I had only ever thought of dysphoria in terms of my body. Like how I saw myself in the mirror and how others made assumptions about me based on my body. I hadn't given any thought to how much social dysphoria was affecting me and still does. I was trying to run away from anything I associated with my "old life" as a girl because everything I was was too girly and I couldn't handle it. The thought that everyone who knew me as a girl for the first 21 years of my life could never see me as the man I am and that we couldn't have the same relationships as before, it consumed me.

I don't deal well with conflict or anything I perceive as potential conflict, so I avoided everyone. Eventually, after this had been going on for months, my friends confronted me. It was over messages, and they came to me with concern and zero malice and asked just one last time if I could please just talk to them and if we could hang out and just be in each others lives. And I said no. I told them that I didn't appreciate them attacking me and that I couldn't do this anymore. I said that I needed to deal with things on my own and I would come back when I was ready. I then left all the group chats I was part of with them and deleted messenger so I wouldn't get notifications if they tried to message me. But they didn't. I had just basically told them to fuck off after almost 10 years of friendship, so why would they. I had fucked with their emotions for months and then gone back on everything I had said about appreciating them. I threw away our friendship, and at the time I felt nothing.

A similar thing happened with my sister. We got really close during COVID lockdowns after having a rocky relationship before. Being stuck in the same house without anything else to do really helped us bond after 20 years. She was understandably concerned when I came out that we wouldn't have the same sisterly connection, and I promised I wouldn't let that happen. But like with my friends, I became distant and stopped talking to her as much. We lived together at the time so obviously we still saw each other, but our relationship wasn't the same. She would try to raise her concerns about me and get me to talk. But I was doing the same thing I always do, and trying to convince everyone that I was okay because I couldn't admit to myself that I wasn't. She accused me of changing, but I didn't think I had so I denied it and said it was just dysphoria making things hard for me. I was avoiding my mum at the same time and my sister felt like our family was falling apart. It got to the point where she told me that she wasn't going to try anymore and that if I wanted a relationship with her then it would all be on me. And we've barely spoken since. That was a year and a half ago. During that time I have moved out with my partner, and now that I don't see my sister daily, we've spoken even less.

I'm noticing a pattern in my life. Every time I feel uncomfortable I want to run away. When I was a kid this wasn't possible because I didn't break rules, so I just fantasised about starting over somewhere new away from my problems. I have such a strong instinct to run away from everything and start over where no one knows me, and I didn't realise that that's exactly what I did. I didn't see it because it wasn't how I pictured. It wasn't physically leaving, but I did run away. And I thought I was okay with it was a long while. Internally I was blaming everyone else for abandoning me just like I had thought they would. But, I had created a self-fulling prophecy by letting myself be consumed by my own self-hatred. Because what I was really doing was trying to run away from my own uncomfortable thoughts and emotions, and I distanced myself from anyone that showed concern because that reminded me of what I was trying to avoid.

I can only see how I affected people now because I've finally stopped blaming everyone else. It is my own fault that I feel so lonely. But it's a different kind of loneliness. All my life I've felt lonely, even when I had friends because I never trusted that any of them loved me and so I never talked to anyone about how I felt. I've always hidden the "unpleasant" parts of myself to not be a burden. And after a life of telling people what I think they want to hear and doing what I think other people want me to do, I'm exhausted.

I doubled down on my people-pleasing after cutting myself off because I didn't want to lose anyone else. I only had my partner and my dad left. But now I'm in a place where I'm miserable every day because all my choices in the past two years have been to uphold the lie that I'm okay and happy. It terrifies me to think about actually telling people the truth about how I'm feeling because it involves admitting to years worth of lies and it's going to hurt them more to find out now than if I had just been honest in the first place.

I have tried to fix things with my friends and family, but I did too much damage for it to be fixed. Now I face a choice: do I keep pretending for the rest of my life, or do I do the right thing and admit to my lies? Because one option involves being miserable for the rest of my life, and the other will cause misery in others. I know the option I have to take and it's the one I want to choose. I just haven't let myself actively pursue the decision because it terrifies me since I don't know the outcome.

But that's getting off-topic. The point of this post was to get off my chest about how I've been feeling regarding cutting myself off from my loved ones. I wish I had a great life lesson or something to come away with. I guess this is more what I wish I knew would happen two years ago.

So I'll end this with some advice that I would give my slightly younger self (even though I wouldn't have listened). I'll preface this by saying that this would be advice I'd give myself in my very specific situation, so it may not apply to others.

To me from 2021,

Please believe it when people you care about say they love you. And please learn to communicate how you feel and what you want, because the people who love you do want to help, you just won't let them.

Also, this whole trying-to-please-everyone thing is going to burn you out very soon. Just take care of yourself first even if you think it's selfish. You desperately need to actually do something about making yourself happy, because thinking and writing it all out can only go so far. I know it's hard, but it's never going to be 'the right time' and you're never going to feel like you can. Go in scared and maybe just maybe, you'll end up in a better place.

Sincerely,

Your future self

[caylusromanoff]

Star spangled asshole.

hey would you be able to do more of nat with a ftm reader? maybe some fluff or even some angst? i feel like it would go well if the reader was feeling a bit disphoric and maybe he sees nat and steve talking so he also gets jealous? idk i feel like it has some potential. totally cool if you don’t like it, thanks have a great day/night

I absolutely love this idea. I hope you enjoy it ☺️. Pure fluff. There's no warnings apart from one playful slap :)

Sighing to himself once again, y/n pushes his food around his plate not really having an appetite. He'd woken up today feeling dreadful and really dysphoric about himself. Although he was currently around the sixth month post top surgery mark, he wanted nothing more than to be able to give his fiance, Natasha, everything that a "man" could give her. It was days like this that he refused to accept that he is as much of a man as Tony, Thor, Steve.

Steve.

Steven Rogers. Almighty Captain America. Ridiculously buff and well built. Super manly. Flirting with his fiance. Y/n's head whips into their direction when he realises what he just thought. Furrowing his eyebrows he clenches his jaw as hard as he can. Worried he might shatter his teeth. When everyone gathered for team dinner tonight Steve ran straight towards y/n's seat which is always by Natasha. Leaving y/n to sit on the other side of the table next to Clint.

Glancing back down at his food he tried to remain Stoic so the super soldier wouldn't know he could hear everything he was saying to his fiance. Eyes flicking to the pair occasionally he grew more and more agitated at the little remarks and supposedly subtle touches Steve was giving to Natasha.

It wasn't until the last comment that y/n lost it.

Just as he was about to reach for his drink Steve leant down towards Natasha ear to whisper "you know, I could be a real boyfriend right? Why are you with him? He's not even a real man?"

Throwing his fork down onto his plate, a loud clatter following. Y/n stands up and storms out of the room. As quickly as he can he runs up to his and Natasha's shared bedroom, trying not to let any tears fall or any of his emotions show. He grabs the keys to his bike and his helmet before racing outside.

Just as he was throwing his leg over his bike a pair of arms wrapped around it and brought it back to the ground beside the other. "absolutely not" A soft, raspy voice spoke and y/n's eyes squeezed shut when he heard her speak. "Don't leave baby. Not like this. Not after what happened last time" he shuddered at her words. Memories of the accident that almost cost his life resurfacing.

Taking a deep breath he turns around to lean against the bike. Never once meeting her eyes. Clenching his jaw again he sighs and shakes his head. "he's right you know?" He asks. His voice breaking from the emotions he's feeling. Suddenly his head tilts to the left and he lets out a little hiss. Bringing his hand up to rub his cheek.

"ow! What the hell woman" she smirks when you finally make eye contact with her. She moves forward, gently grabbing the back of your neck and pulling into a kiss that proves nothing but her love and care for you.

"in eight weeks. Only eight. I'll be walking back into this compound as Mrs y/ln. No matter what. Nothing will change that. You Moya Lyubov, are perfect in everyway possible." She runs gently kisses along your nose and cheeks until she meets your lips once more.

"Wanda told me what you were thinking inside. Don't ever think anything like that again okay? You have your date detka. In just under a year and a half that may be possible okay? You satisfy me perfectly. I love you so much"

You blush a dark red and hide your face in your neck before sighing and breathing in her perfume. "I'm sorry. I just felt so dysphoric today. Buuut" you say tickling her sides. Smiling wide at her giggles.

"there's a star spangled asshole walking this way so let's go get ice-cream" you giggle picking her up and placing her onto the back of the bike.

You had never been so happy before. You couldn't believe how lucky you got to marry the black widow

[latte-fairytaekwoon]

Church (Choi San) Rated

Pairing: Choi San × Reader (Female)

Genre: Smut, Angst, Fluff, College AU, Friends to Enemies(?), Enemies to Lovers (?)

Summary: He used to be her best friend until he abandoned not only his childhood beliefs, but her in the process. One night, he decides to show her a glimpse of what she's been missing out on. Inspired by Chase Atlantic's Church .

Word Count: 6.3+K

Warnings: Mentions of religious beliefs, brazen college parties, allusions to alcohol/nicotine intake, body insecurity (reader has small breasts), oral (female receiving), fingering, nipple play, body worship/praise, slight cumplay, multiple orgasms, unprotected sex (always use protection), slight corruption kink, inexperienced reader, experienced San. (Probably forgot something)

Taglist: @little-precious-baby @yunhoiseyecandy @yunhofingers @galaxteez @brie02 @deja-vux @a-soft-hornytiny @multidreams-and-desires @couchpotatoaniki @daniblogs164 @yunsangoveryonder @minhyukmyluv @nanamarkie

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The infamous rebel let out a pernicious snicker when he saw the serene and usually proper former acquaintance walk in his direction.

"Are my eyes deceiving me or is that really the pastor's prissy little daughter out past her bedtime in a college party?" He found the situation much too amusing that he just had to point it out.

"I have a name you know." The female he was referring to halted in her steps to turn her head and give him an unkind and unfriendly look.

"You have several, actually. There's goody two shoes, priss, prude, prig-"

"Oh shut the fuck up Choi San." She scoffed as she began walking away from him, already feeling annoyed by his presence.

The man trailed after her, his face donning a shocked expression as he flailed his arms around in a dramatic way.

"Guys it's happening! The apocalypse is really here if L/N Y/N has not only attended a wild party full of debauchery, but her mouth has actually uttered out cursed words!" He shouted out, the other attendants either joining in laughing at her or ignoring him in favor of the bottles or sticks in their fingers.

"I'm surprised you even know what that word means." She turned to look at him with a mocking smile, arms crossed over her chest.

"Please, I know a lot more than you have ever pretended to know." He clicked his tongue, elbow coming up to rest on the wall next to him.

"Is that why you turnt corrupt and abandoned everything you believe in?" She couldn't help but spat back at him.

"Hey at least I was honest and didn't hide it like you people who lead double lives. Preaching one thing but living the total opposite. You're all nothing but a bunch of hypocrites." The venom in his voice was unmistakable, nose scrunching up in disgust as he remembered gross sins he had more often than not had witnessed from people who claimed to be pure and holy.

"I do not lead a double life." She remarked.

"Oh really? Then why the hell are you here in a college party? Full of alcohol, drugs and walking STDs? Riddle me that princess." His foot tapped against the floor, patiently awaiting an answer from her.

Y/N swallowed the non existent lump in her throat and turned her gaze to the floor in embarrassment.

"I just wanted to see what it was like. Just once." She admitted begrudgingly, the man in front of her chuckling lowly.

"Well you sure are going to have a lot to confess on Sunday to your dad. Silly girl, walking into the lion's pit like this." He jeered at her.

"Don't get ahead of yourself. Just because I came here doesn't mean I've done anything morally wrong." She counteracted his words to which he only snorted.

"Yet."

Tired of his overly obnoxious attitude, Y/N spun on her heel to get away from him, but she spun so carelessly and fast that she ended up bumping into another classmate who unfortunately was holding a full cup of beer that ended up being doused all over her white blouse.

"Oops! Sorry, my bad." He excused himself, looking completely unapologetic about the situation.

Meanwhile Y/N looked absolutely horrified as she took in the drenched state of her shirt that now had the stench of alcohol on it. The fact San was bursting out in giggles only served to make her even more mad.

"Now tell me how do you plan on explaining that to dear old-"

"Can it San or I swear I'll gauge your eyes out." She threatened him as she stormed out the building, not caring that she bumped into a few figures on her way out.

Feeling just a bit of empathy for his old friend, San sighed softly before following after her. Upon catching up to her, he took hold of her wrist and started dragging her in the opposite direction.

"Hey! Get your filthy hands off me! I will not hesitate to scream!" She tried tugging her arm away.

"Calm down I'm not planning on kidnapping or anything like that sweetheart. I'm taking you back to my car."

She let out a dry laugh at that.

"But that's not kidnapping?" She raised an eyebrow at him.

"I have a spare shirt in the backseat that you can change into. Unless you wanna go home smelling like PBR." He looked back to see the mess one more time, lips curling up into a smirk.

Against her better judgment, she allowed him to take her all the way where his car was parked, standing there quietly as San rummaged through the backseat before taking out a clean plain white tshirt and held it out to her.

"Here. Put it on."

She looked at him with a face that asked if he was stupid.

"Well what?" He asked.

"Oh yes..I'm totally going to strip in a middle of the street and let anyone passing by see." She rolled her eyes at him.

"Oh for fuck's sake, there's nobody here, nobody is going to see and frankly I don't think anyone cares about seeing your non existent boobs." He scorned at her as he gestured to her chest.

"Ok rude and uncalled for." She felt slightly hurt by his comment, having always been somewhat insecure about the size of her chest.

"Don't look." She warned him.

"Not like I want to." He jeered at her as he turned away to not only give her privacy, but to also serve as a lookout for anyone that might accidentally show up and see the scene. He could hear her behind him tearing off her clothes and then slipping it back on.

"Ok there. I'm done." Y/N announced as she stuffed the soiled shirt into her bag.

"Not even a thank you?" San pouted slightly, to which Y/N gave a feigned smile.

"Thanks."

With that said and done, she brushed past him and started walking away, absolutely done with the night.

"Careful not to get caught sneaking back inside your house." She heard San say from behind.

"For your information I'm not living with them anymore. I moved into the dorms 2 months ago." She stated in a matter of factly, a proud look on her face.

"Well in that case....want to ride back with me?" He offered.

"Yeah no, I'd rather take my chances at being kidnapped and then butchered up. Besides, I wouldn't want to cut your wild night short." She declined the offer.

"Stop being so negative Nancy and accept my generosity. Geez."

Running over to her, he quickly snatched her up and threw her over his shoulder, ignoring her shocked exclaims and protests.

"Now this is really kidnapping!" She declared.

"Yeah I know, now shut up before I duct tape that bratty mouth of yours." San grinned mischievously as he tossed her into the backseat and shut the door before striding over to get on the driver's seat.

"Oh come on. Stop looking at me like I'm a criminal. Just because I indulge in a few sins every now and then, doesn't make me into a bad person." He stated when he saw the dirty look she gave him.

"Whatever." She muttered as she locked in her seatbelt.

San opted for just driving back to the dorms and get Y/N tucked in her bed since it was clear to him she needed it.

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"You're lucky my roommate is on vacation, otherwise I would have left your ass back there." Y/N spewed out as she threw her keys onto her dresser.

"Thanks Y/N, I always said you were the nicest and most giving person in the planet." San complimented her as he felt he should given she was letting him stay the night in her dorm after a little tiny incident with his keys dropping inside one of the manholes surrounding the university. And the administration office wouldn't be open til the morning, meaning he was screwed unless his roommate showed up to let him in, but that was a definite no since San knew Seonghwa would definitely end up in someone else's bed and come back til the next day, hickeys plastered all over his neck and chest.

"No, you always said I was the most stuck up-"

San shushed her by pressing a hand over her mouth.

"You dwell so much on the present image of me you drew up in your head that you completely erased the friend you had all those years ago." He slid his hand off her mouth, shoulders slumping down as he turned away from her to crouch on the floor.

"That friend doesn't exist anymore, that is if he even existed in the first place. If I recall, my friend wasn't into parties, booze, vaping, tattoos, piercings and fucking around with every whore in the school."

San didn't say anything as he heard her ramble, he just let her talk away as she started pulling out spare blankets and pillows for him to use.

"My Sannie was sweet, cute, adorable, always ready to lend people help and respectful to others." She reminisced with a sad look. Pulling her expression straight, she laid out the blankets and started arranging them neatly on the floor.

"I still am."

San's voice was so quiet that she barely registered that he even opened his mouth in the first place, but she heard him.

"Maybe if you weren't so puffed up with pride and didn't cut me off after I cut ties with the church, you'd see that I'm still the way I was. You think I changed completely because of ink and metal on my body? Because I wanted to try certain substances and yes, satisfy some perfectly normal and humane needs?"

Y/N averted her gaze from him and continued the task she was in. San let out a despondent scoff.

"Of course you do. And yet didn't I just demonstrate to you back there that I haven't changed? Giving you my shirt, giving you a ride, yeah I know, it's not much and no big deal, but wasn't those the types of things I'd do even back then?"

Y/N's tongue poked against her cheek as she knew she couldn't deny that was San said was absolutely true. He did nothing different back at the party as he used to do years ago. Helping old ladies with grocery bags, giving away some of his clothes to less fortunate kids, he was always known as being such a giving and kind person.....

No wonder so many were devastated when it was announced he had resigned as a member of the church. Y/N herself was hurt and even indignated by his decision. And after that she adamantly refused to see him or talk to him, and of course San respected her decision and avoided contacting her so as to not make her uncomfortable. He understood that their friendship was broken and he wasn't going to overstep boundaries just to try and fix it when the other party didn't want it. So he just decided to live his life as he thought was right without his conscience bothering him. And he was much happier now, he felt free, something that he had never felt before. Perhaps he was so chained down by formality, discipline, strict regulations and even fear that he didn't realize that he was miserable all that time until his eyes were fully open and he found he didn't like what he saw, especially after seeing the dark and ugly side of what was supposed to be a safe and pure sanctuary. He was let down severely and he suffered in the process. But now that was behind him and he had no regrets......

Except Y/N. He truly missed her and her company. As he laid on the makeshift bed on the floor, he found himself unable to sleep as he recalled all those fond times spent with her. The trips to the lake, hiking, first day of school, their first accident after he had gotten his driver's license. He let out an involuntary smile at that memory. Unbeknownst to him, the girl on her bed was equally reminiscing on the old days filled with her best friend. She had been so alone ever since she distanced herself from him, the world now feeling empty and cold without him. Shifting around in her bed, she whined into her pillow as she desperate tried to sleep.

"What's the worst thing you've ever done?" Her question startled San momentarily.

"Are you that sleep deprived that you're suddenly asking me to confess my worst sins?" He chuckled amusedly.

"Maybe it'll help me get actual sleep, I don't know. And.... I'm just curious." She clutched one of her plushies and started messing around with it.

"Curiosity killed the cat and I don't think your virgin mind will be able to handle my confession." He asserted confidently.

"I'm not a virgin, but oh well. Just tell me, what's the worst?" Her casual response made San flip out. He sat upright and kneeled at the front of her bed with an incredulous look.

"What do you mean you're not a virgin? When did you-?" He was so flabbergasted he wouldn't even finish his sentence.

Rolling over to where he was, Y/N smirked at him.

"Uh uh. I asked you a question first and you have to answer it before I can answer any you want."

Knowing he had no alternative, San placed his chin on the top of her mattress.

"Had a threesome with 2 of our professors." He laughed when he saw how shocked Y/N looked.

"What?! No way!" She refused to believe him.

"It's true. I won't tell you who they were since you won't be able to look at them the same way if I did...... I'll just dish this: they both got really huge tits and it's a shame they're married." He admitted with a smug expression.

"I can't believe you." She fanned her face which she was sure was now a deep crimson color.

"Ok now your turn. When did this happen? Who was it with?"

Y/N didn't even mind that San got up and crawled into her bed to lay down next to her. His face was rested on his hands as he looked at her with intense inquisitiveness. Knowing she'd have to talk about it sooner or later, she thought it would be best if San was the one to know since he would never tell anyone else and he'd understand since he was tainted as well.

"Remember when that group of missionaries came to stay over at our city for a while back in high school?"

San nodded, vividly remembering everything. Y/N blushed and smiled shyly.

"Do you remember that there was a family with a son our age? Chase?"

San widened his eyes and flopped over on his back as his hands came to hide his face.

"Oh dear lord, please don't tell me it was that Canadian boy." He groaned in pain.

"Yeah....yeah it was."

San couldn't stop cringing at the thought of his friend doing such a thing.

"How even did that happen?" He was so lost.

"I don't know! It just did ok? It happened while we were out in that camping trip. Somewhere there, we were left alone and we started talking about everything and nothing til it spiraled into talking about sex and us being virgins decided to see what was the big deal....." She bit her lower lip as the memory flashed in her mind. Looking over at San, she knew he was judging her as she expected. A tiny snort escaped his lips.

"That must have been the worst 45 seconds of your life." He joked, earning him a slap on his chest by Y/N's hand.

"It was not 45 seconds!............. it was 2 minutes."

San only laughed harder at that, nearly crying from how funny it was to him. He composed himself though when he saw how embarrassed Y/N looked about it. Feeling bad for laughing at her expense, he cleared his throat and patted her head.

"It's ok. First times are always awkward and uncomfortable. The problem was you weren't prepared and you were both inexperienced. He just didn't know how to please you."

Y/N couldn't help herself as she asked:

"And I suppose you can?"

Flipping onto his stomach, San cupped her chin with his hand and ran his thumb across her lower lip.

"Don't tread on dangerous territory little angel lest you want an evil demon to corrupt you." He warned her, and although he wouldn't actually follow through on it, he did want to tease her a little. But he wasn't expecting for Y/N to play along to his teasing, only she was not joking at all as she brought her face closer to his.

"Maybe I want you to corrupt me, show me what I've been missing out on." She brushed her lips against his, tongue daring to poke out and press on his slit briefly, leaving him stunned.

"You have no idea what you're asking for princess." San mused as he held himself back from touching her.

"I know what I'm asking for Choi San and what I'm asking for....is you." She responded with confidence.

Escaping from underneath the blanket that covered her, Y/N reclined back on the mattress, her head laying on her soft pillow as she gestured for San to come over to her, which he promptly did. Parting her legs so he could fit his body between them, he smirked softly down at her eagerness, fingers brushing against the soft skin on her thighs.

"You're serious about this?" He wanted to make sure it wouldn't be something she'd regret.

"I already messed up once, what's one more time gonna do?" She pulled him down against her, not caring when he lost balance and accidentally crushed her under him with his muscular body.

"Besides...." Wanting to further entice him, Y/N brushed her lips against his ear.

"Look at me and tell me you don't want to fuck me. That you don't want to stuff that hard cock of yours into my tight and inexperienced pussy. Bet you're itching to tear into me until I'm crying under you. Don't you want that?"

San let out a moan at hearing such filthy and depraved talk from her. It only fueled his appetite and hunger for indulging in carnal desires.

"Yes... I want that.... I want you."

Closing space between them, San molded his lips over hers, encasing them in a sloppy and wet kiss. Y/N could faintly make out the leftover scent of alcohol and nicotine as she let him taste her mouth, but she didn't mind or felt grossed out by it. She just kept her lips parted and allowed him to move his tongue freely inside her. Cupping her cheeks, San continued to roll his tongue over hers, massaging it gently with both deep yet gentle strokes. When he pulled away, he made sure to tuck her bottom lip between his teeth, pulling it towards him as Y/N let out a moan that was like music to his ears. Pausing briefly, their lips were barely touching as they breathed in each other's air. San was the first one to break into a smile, the one that had Y/N melting since it displayed his dimples to the fullest.

"Never thought I'd hear that sound come out of your pretty mouth." He teased her.

"S-shut up." She frowned, hand reaching up to smack his chest.

"It's not a bad thing. I like it. Now let's see if I can make sure you keep them up."

Stuffing his face into her neck, San ghosted his lips across her skin, tongue subtly poking out solely to hear her breath hitch slightly. Dipping his tongue into her collarbone, his lips opened up so they could firmly latch and spread wet kisses across her neck. Y/N gasped when she felt teeth sink down, head tilting back to give San more room which he took advantage of. Focusing on particular spots that he knew she was sensitive in, he sucked her skin into his mouth. Each time he pulled away, he reveled when he saw the finished mark that was now painted on her skin.

"I would love to see your parent's reaction to my love bites." He brushed a fingers across the newest spot he just embedded in her body, hand then reaching up to suddenly clasp around her neck. Y/N shuddered when his grip got tighter, her oxygen intake getting cut and making her feel hazy, but it was nonetheless enjoyable. Snaking a hand under her shirt, or more like his shirt, San swiped his tongue over his bottom lip as he started to pull the material up.

"How about I make some matching ones all across your pretty chest?"

Before he could lift the shirt any further, Y/N's hand clasped around his wrist, preventing him from moving any further.

"Don't." She begged him.

San retracted his hands away from her, fearing he made her uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry." He immediately apologized and began to move away from her, but Y/N's hands raked against his thighs to keep him in place.

"No, it's not you. It's just..... if we're going to do this, can I keep the shirt on? I don't...." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes as she admitted an insecurity of hers.

"I don't like my chest. My boobs are too small, it's unflattering and I'd rather you not see them." She slowly opened her eyes to see his reaction. San had a sad look on his face, bottom lip poking out as his fingers came up to brush against her cheek. Remembering what he had previously said back in the parking loyal, he felt terrible for saying that ill intended joke about her body. He probably hurt her and he didn't realize it.

"Y/N don't say that. Your chest size doesn't matter. You're beautiful the way you are and I bet underneath that layer is clothing there is the cutest and most adorable set of boobs in the world." She let out an involuntary giggle at his words, letting him run his hand down her clothed sternum.

"But if that's what you want, I'll respect it. Either way, my tshirt looks amazing on you." He acknowledged rather cockily.

Shifting further back, San took hold of the top of her shorts, making sure to look at her.

"Are you ok with these coming off?"

Y/N resisted the temptation to slap the top of his head.

"If you don't take them off, how are you going to fuck me genius?" She retorted.

"You'd be surprised at what I've learned." He uttered, mostly to himself than at her.

Like an expert, he practically tore her shorts down her legs, panties falling to the floor along with them. Y/N let out a soft squeal when he took hold of her thighs and brought her down so his face was at eye level with her most intimate part. San took a few seconds to admire her bare mound, lips parted and threatening to start drooling all over her thighs. Pressing both thumbs against each one is her lips, San pried her folds open, staring intently as he now clearly saw all of her.

"Oh fuck. I'm gonna need to prep you real good. I can tell you're going to be really tight."

She wanted to ask him what he meant by prep, but her words got caught in her throat when she felt his tongue delve into her core. She had never felt someone's mouth anywhere near her folds and she regretted not having experienced it before. Her eyes shut tight as she marveled at the sensation of San's tongue lapping at her bud, his lips making sure to enclose all around the flesh surrounding it before giving it gentle suckles. Shaky breaths blew out from her mouth, her legs wanting to close themselves around San's head but his firm grip on her thighs kept it from happening. He kept her knees pinned to the bed as his mouth continued to ravish at her taste, sloppily consuming her heat fervently. Her mind was so occupied in what he was doing that she didn't register the hand that slowly crept away from her thigh until she felt something poke at her entrance.

"Oh-" She gasped, opening her eyes to see what was going on.

"Relax princess. It's just my finger.....for now." He momentarily pulled off her heat to let her know what was happening before diving back in to continue his task of eating her out.

His finger inside her felt a little weird at first, sliding in slowly before pulling out only to plunge itself back into her. During one of those times where she expected him to slide back in, she was surprised when she felt herself being stretched out as San curled a second finger inside her. Keeping them lodged there, he began scissoring them alternatively so he could further spread her walls apart. During one of those movements, his fingertips brushed along her hood, making her hips slightly jolt up into San's face, who smiled against her folds as he now knew exactly where to angle his hips for later. Using this new knowledge, that was probably unbeknownst to Y/N, he slipped his fingers deeper into her, knuckles deep as he moved his tips rhythmically on the the spot he found. Y/N's mouth fell wide open into an 'O' as whiny gasps and airy moans poured out of it. San's mouth latched to her clit and his fingers working deep in her hole was producing a stirring in the lower pit of her stomach that she couldn't quite make out. But it felt good, especially since it continued to grow more and more, almost as if it was a cord about to snap.

"San- wait. I feel, I feel-" She couldn't finish her sentence as her body trembled slightly, a flood of overwhelming pleasure washing over her that was prolonged by San drinking up the juices that spilled forth out of her body. He didn't pull away until he made sure to swallow every drop she had to give.

"Aren't you grossed out?" She asked him, always having wondered about that.

"Nope. I love licking girl's pussies, especially if they're as sweet as yours." He affirmed while pulling his shirt off his body.

Y/N turned her flustered face away from him, keeping her gaze locked on the wall to her right, which was decorated with several polaroids of her with her family, friends and members of her church, some of them even had San in them, back when they were inseparable. Before she could become nostalgic, a strong set of hands clutched her chin and teared her gaze away from the pictures, forcing her to stare at the now naked man in front of her.

"Forget about that for now. Right now I want your full attention on me and what we're about to do. After we're done, that image of a good girl you have will gone." His words seemed to almost taunt her.

Although she tried not to look, Y/N's eyes fell in between San's legs, filled with astonishment when she glimpsed for the very first time at her former friend's member, fully erect and leaking at the tip as it awaited to be hugged by her warm walls.

"Like it? Maybe later I'll let you play with it." San giggled when her eyes shot up at him in surprise.

Placing himself to hover above her, he hummed lowly as he slowly stuffed himself inside her, working her open until he was fully nestled inside her warmth. Although she felt a light burn scraping against her inner walls, it wasn't unpleasant or painful like her first time. She could tell San knew exactly what he was doing as he began rolling his hips. Perfectly recalling exactly where to aim at, he made sure to angle his thrusts accordingly so each time he pushed back in, he'd hit her pleasure spot.

"Oh God-" Y/N exclaimed when he continued to brushed against the hood of her core.

"Really think it's a good idea to call out the good lord's name when I'm balls deep inside your pussy?" He asked with a malicious smirk plastered across his face.

"No baby. Tonight your only lord is me."

Pinning her wrists above her head, San continued pushing his cock deeper into her. The harsh pounding of his hips against hers was becoming louder, their bodies starting to get heated and producing sweat. Y/N couldn't do anything but whimper and wrap her legs around San's waist, keeping him firmly locked to her body. She closed her eyes once more as she felt the same familiar feeling from before start piling up, only it felt more intense and stronger probably due to the fact that she was getting railed to her bed by her ex best friend, whom she still cared about deeply. She was definitely not planning on making up with him this way, but holy hell, she couldn't deny that he was making her feel so many emotions at once. Pleasure, lust, satisfaction, happiness, euphoria, love? Perhaps that last one was definitely a stretch, but she blamed her confused thoughts on how well his cock was abusing her hole. She felt unable to focus on anything except him.

"Clenching so hard around me babygirl. Are you gonna cum all over my cock?"

Slipping one hand in between their bodies, San pressed his thumb against her clit, rubbing it back and forth so it would serve as an extra push to tip her over the edge. Y/N splayed her hands on San's lower back, nails raking against his skin, causing him to hiss.

"Fuck- am I seriously making you feel that good babygirl?" He knew for a fact he was feeling absolutely amazing, her tight warmth gripping along his shaft, making it hard for him to hold back much longer.

"Mmm yeah." She shamelessly moaned.

"Am I better than your first?" Although he already knew the answer, he still wanted to feed his ego and hear her say it.

"So much better! It feels so fucking good." She inhaled sharply when that she began to feel the sensation from before. With even louder cries from before, her body shook underneath San's, blood rushing to her head as an even greater orgasm coursed through her body. She was left speechless, a full on panting mess even after San had pulled out of her after helping her ride out her high.

"Oh geez. Shit." San's voice rasped out as he jerked himself off, his cum painting her thighs white, not stopping until he had finished coating them with everything he had to give.

Looking down at the mess, Y/N couldn't suppress a tiny giggle, one of her hands clasping over her mouth while the other picked up some of his cum and spread it between her fingers.

"Having fun there?" San grinned, finding her fascinated gaze to be completely adorable to him.

"Yeah.." She said as sat up to get a better look at the cum around her thighs.

"Well I was going to clean it off you, but seeing as you're so entertained by it, I'll just leave you with it."

Not forgetting that he was merely a guest, San slid himself off her bed and plopped his tired body onto the blankets on the floor. Closing his eyes, he was thinking he would finally be able to sleep, but he found his plans thwarted when he felt a pair of hands graze across his chest. Looking up, he found Y/N straddling his lap, biting down on her lower lip as she grinded her wet folds along his softened dick which was now becoming hard again thanks to her.

"What in the world are you doing you crazy girl?" He sucked in a breath, not expecting her to suddenly pounce on him.

"I wanna try that again." She pleaded, grinding her hips harder on him.

"Oh my- did I accidentally turn you into a nymphomaniac?" She chuckled at his joke and although he groaned as if he was frustrated, he obliged to her wishes and sat up.

Clasping her waist with his hands, he lifted her up and guided her so she could easily sink herself down on his length. Not letting go, he slowly rolled his hips up, burying himself deep in her body once more. Since they were both still riled up from their previous session, it didn't take long for both of them to start spewing out a clutter of moans and grunts as they once again get lost in a mist of lust that clouded their minds. San drunk up every expression on Y/N's face. Every twitch of her facial muscles, every shuddering breath she exhaled, each time her eyelids shut close, he marveled at seeing her enjoy the experience. He loved seeing her indulge in such an intimate practice with him, more so given how special she was to him, one of the most important people in his life aside from his family. Looking down at her torso, his fingers brushed along the hem of her shirt.

"Please...." His urging caught her attention.

"Please let me see all of you. I want to admire every inch of you and your beautiful body. I promise I won't laugh or judge. I just want to worship you."

Y/N hesitated briefly, still afraid to let him see what was hidden under the shirt.

"It's ok if you don't want to. I won't force you." He shot a kind smile at her as he focused back on making sure to drive his cock up into her.

Feeling safe and knowing she could trust her lifelong friend whom she thought of as a soulmate at one point, Y/N reached for the bottom of her shirt and peeled it off her body. Coming face to face with her bare chest, San groaned in ecstasy as he slid his hands up her body.

"Just as I predicted, you have very cute breasts."

Pulling her chest to his face, he opened his mouth and took one of her nipples in it, swirling his tongue around it before sucking on it. Y/N's fingers raked themselves through his hair, harshly tugging them when she felt his teeth sink themselves into her flesh.

"Aren't they too small?" She inquired.

Letting go of her breast with an audible pop, San cupped her chin.

"No baby, they're absolutely perfect. They're gorgeous, just like every other part of your body. You're gorgeous, absolutely stunning and holy fuck, you're driving me insane honestly." He confessed, his mouth diving into her other breast so it wouldn't feel left out from being tenderly kissed and sucked on.

His words sunk deep in Y/N's heart. He really did found her beautiful, attractive and it spurred something in her. Feeling a newfound passion, Y/N unconsciously began taking over their movements. Pushing against his thrusts, she began to set her own pace, rutting herself on top of his dick. San of course took notice and was happy about it.

"Oh wanna take over now baby? Well go ahead."

Laying back down on the floor, his eyes stared up at her with lust.

"Fuck yourself on me darling."

Encouraged by him, Y/N began bouncing herself on his cock. Finding an angle that she liked, she sunk down on his length over and over, her head thrown back as she used his body to push her down another spiral of immense pleasure. San just relaxed and admired the way she lost herself and gave into her deepest desires. He loved the way she rode his cock, and he loved feeling her walls tighten once more around his shaft.

"Oh shit- Sannie." She cried out his name as she quivered on top of him, her juices spilling out onto his cock once more.

Knowing fully well she was probably aching between her thighs, San gripped her hips and helped her ride out her climax so the feeling she was going through wouldn't go away just yet. He made sure to be gentle, easing her up and down his cock with absolute tenderness. Once he knew she was satisfied, he pulled her of him and set her down on the floor before sitting up above her body. Just like before, he took hold of his cock and began pumping his cum out of his body, plastering it all across her inner thighs and even splattering some on her stomach. Looking up, Y/N had the same giggly expression as before.

"Does my cum really make you burst into a fit of giggles?" He questioned her.

"I can't help it. It's just... I don't know. Maybe it's the fact it's so dirty and wrong, and then to have you spread it all over my body." She explained, which made San chuckle.

"Maybe I should baptize your thighs with my cum more often." Although he was joking, Y/N was more than willing to take him up on that offer.

"Will you?" She looked up at him with puppy eyes.

San studied her for a moment, before a wicked idea popped in his brain.

"How about you let me baptize and stain that pretty face of yours?"

Getting a hint of what he meant, Y/N got up on her knees while San stood up right in front of her, cock in hand as he brought it up to her lips.

"I hope you weren't planning on going to morning services tomorrow because I'm going to keep you up til morning until your knees hurt."

[your-stoat-stands-unopposed]

Honestly, anything would be fine buuuut- if you're cool with it- I have a bit of a smut prompt. Reader keeps coming back to play with Leshy (has both won and lost a few games) because the like him but also they enjoy the way he compliments them for their smart maneuvers and praises them. When Leshy finally realizes how he affects them, all hell breaks loose. SOOOO basically just Leshy smut with dominant Leshy and submissive Reader who has a massive praise kink lol. If that's not up your alley, totally get it!!

Most Beloved.

Pairing: Leshy x gender-neutral!Reader.

Warnings: 18+ only for explicit content. Tiny mention of scratching.

Summary: And now, there's no way you would ever try to deny it: you aren't coming back here out of love for the game.

"You return once more."

There is a smile in the game master's voice, and it's mirrored by the one on your lips as you take a seat before him. By now, all of this is so familiar to you; the scents of paper and wood, the map dimly lit by flickering candles, the feel of the figurine in your hand...

And most of all, the bright eyes that peer fondly at you from the darkness, the long nails that tap against the table, the deep voice that sends shivers down your spine.

You'd played this game with him many times now. You'd played so many times that he'd felt comfortable regaling you with his tales, comfortable to open his heart to you just that little bit more each time. Leshy, Great Scrybe of Beasts, had caught your attention in more ways than one during your time together... and perhaps, yes, you have to admit that you aren't coming back to play him again and again purely out of love for the game.

No, you come back because his kindness warms your heart in a way you hadn't anticipated; because his stories put you at ease and have you longing to learn more, because he looks so very beautiful silhouetted by the moonlight...

"Well then," his voice comes again, drawing your attentions away from your thoughts and right back to those piercing eyes.

"Shall we get started?"

------

You set down your cards with a smirk on your lips, ringing the bell with anticipation in your heart. It was a good play, and you know it; you'd spent so long now working on this deck, learning the rules over the course of so many games, that it comes naturally to you by now.

The scales tip in your favour, and Leshy holds out a bowl to catch the generous overflow of teeth.

"Ha! What a strategy," his voice praises you warmly, sending a rush of warmth straight to your cheeks. "Truly, I would expect nothing less from you by now."

"Yeah?" You don't want to seem as though you're pushing it, of course, but... you can't help but ask: "Why's that? Do you... think I'm good at this?"

He breathes a smooth, deep chuckle that sets your soul on fire, setting the bowl aside. "You surely know the answer to that by now," he says. "Of all the challengers who have come and gone over the years... none have impressed me as you have."

Your heart pounds in your chest; you're sure the hitching of your breath is audible to the man before you. "You mean it...?"

"I mean it."

In the dark, his eyes smile at you with a warmth you've truly missed.

"Now, as ever... you remain my most beloved challenger."

A soft gasp escapes you, and your hand rests over your heart. Oh, you've needed this; needed his kindness, needed his praises... They affect you in a way that you're almost embarrassed to admit, but it's undeniable: they soothe you as much as they please you, fill you with excitement and want as much as they fill you with comfort and warmth.

"Challenger..."

Shyly, your eyes meet his own. In the dark, his glowing gaze is curious.

"That expression on your face... Are you...?"

Biting at your lower lip, you nod slowly. You and Leshy have been through enough together that you don't want to lie to him; you don't want to hide your true feelings.

You don't want to deny your love any longer.

Another soft chuckle from his side of the board; though there's something else in his voice, something you're not used to... something sultry, something sensual, something full of promises.

He stands, and he offers a hand.

"Come, challenger."

You blink.

You blush.

You grasp his hand, and you do.

------

You're bare before him, hands against the wall, legs parted and rear sticking out as you bend forward. Every bit of you is on display, nothing left to the imagination; and you wouldn't have it any other way.

"Beautiful." His voice is a purring rumble at your back, and he presses close to you, the cool skin of his chest and the crispness of his leaves a blessing against your over-flushed body. "You are beautiful, my challenger. Every part of you."

You breathe out his name, your body trembling as those lovely hands of his rest on your hips, the sharpness of his nails digging into your skin.

"To think, you had longed for this all this time..."

The tip of his length, thick and dripping, presses to your eager hole.

"...my most beloved one, my love..."

His grip is firm but not painful; warm and secure as he pushes into you, as his shaft sinks into your inner walls, as he stretches you and fills you and makes you his completely.

"...all you ever had to do was tell me..."

You moan as he bottoms out, the hefty warmth of his sac resting against you. Your arms tremble, and you're grateful for his strong hands holding onto you; you're not convinced that your knees wouldn't give out otherwise.

Once he's sure that you're comfortable, he begins to move, the warm slide of his shaft alone enough to have you gasping with delight. He's careful with you, but not gentle; he thrusts into you hard and deep from the outset, hitting all your sweetest spots again and again.

"Ngh... m-mmn..."

Hearing him moan is even more exciting to you than hearing his praises, and that is saying something.

"So tight... so warm... you are perfect inside and out, my dear..."

Your eyes roll up, and you're panting. He's taking you... Leshy, Scrybe of Beasts, is taking you... he's moaning in your ear, he's telling you how good you are, he's holding you and pleasing you and showing you how he loves you...

Your hips move and roll tandem, pushing and pulling and setting a rhythm that has the both of you groaning and gasping, driving both of you steadily closer and closer to that edge.

"L-Leshy," you breathe out, "Leshy, I-- I'm gonna..."

"Yes," his long nails dig into your skin and scratch, sending you squealing with the new and wonderful sensation, "yes... come, challenger...!"

And you do. You fall over that edge, your eyes rolling up, your inner walls clenching and grasping your Scrybe's length as your orgasm hits you hard. It's only moments before he's following you, driving himself deep, a shuddering groan leaving him as hot spurts of his release fill you until you're dripping.

You could have never expected this when you'd returned; that your game that day would end with you both naked and satisfied...

And now, there's no way you would ever try to deny it: you aren't coming back here out of love for the game.

No... you're coming back here out of love for the game's master; for the man who excites you and comforts you, for the Scrybe who soothes you and pleases you.

[yjwhatif]

With the semi/cryptic confirmation of Ed and Barts relationship in the series I have a question:

Do you think everyone knows about them (in world) or do you think they’re keeping it secret from some?

It’s just a thought that’s been in my head recently. It is most likely fuelled by the whole drama of G&B not being able to depict a “specific character” (it’s definitely Bart) as gay. They’ve had to hide the relationship from their audience - because of ridiculous reasons - but there are still moments that bring up the question - Are they? Before the reveals from AskGreg, I kinda thought- well they are clearly not together yet, but perhaps they both have feelings for one another and are just waiting for the other to make the next move because they’re nervous idiots who don’t want to have read the situation wrong — all while their friends are like - seriously guys? just get together already. Kinda like they did in s1 with Wally and Artemis - and I guess early Supermartian as well - which I would have been okay with... though with the likelihood of there being at least another two year time skip you’d probably have missed the getting together moment - which would kinda suck. Anyway. With the information about the chances being they were supposed to clearly be in a relationship throughout S3 — which makes the whole structuring of ILLUSIONS just make sense — it’s got me viewing their moments with a whole new energy. Also, I saw this post by Greg —

And let me just clarify, I have no idea if this is actually referencing the Ed and Bart stuff, it might not be (probably isn't). This is purely me speculating.

My reading of this is they got told they couldn’t depict Bart as gay pretty late on and that specifically affected ILLUSIONS where they likely intended to confirm the relationship with that first shot - the kiss on the cheek moment. Even now that moment is just odd - because it’s there but it’s not - because technically there is no actual kiss… which I think is absolutely the point. It plants the seed without actually breaking any rules - all by keeping the momentum but removing the specific kiss frame. It’s the only moment that I feel is explicit in saying they are in a relationship - everything else you can just read into and imply there’s something - but they technically don’t confirm anything.

The whole thing is actually quite interesting - despite the reasoning for it being totally ridiculous. By keeping/showing what they did... People notice it. People talk about it. People reflect on it. More people talk about it. People writing. Make. Create. Discuss it. An entire audience is formed who want and support it. It’s a whole thing now because people noticed it and generated a positive response to it - and that was before all the AskGreg information. The whole reason YJ got a season 3 is because the fans fought to get it back. Enough people talked about it - and kept talking about it - to convince TPTB that the show should come back. Greg and Brandon know this. They know the power the fans have and maybe they hoped that power would help them again in freeing Bart from these ridiculous restrictions. #letbartoutofthecloset

Obviously, we can't know until S4 is released whether G&B got the permission to confirm Bart's sexuality the way they envisioned - but maybe the responses that came during the release of 3b were enough to convince TPTB that they were fighting a losing battle. But who knows, people in power can be very stubborn at times, so we will just have to see what we get. Fingers crossed they eased up though - and not just because of the Ed/Bart relationship (which I am obviously a fan of -- it's fine if not everyone is) - but because these restrictions on LGBTQ+ content shouldn't be a thing and need to stop -- there is just no validity in them.

Anyhow. despite their not being allowed to officially confirm the relationship, Greg's comment about Ed's having a boyfriend they can't name basically confirms the fact without technically breaking any rules again. Masterfully done Wiesman. With this, it implies the pair are in fact dating during S3 which brings us back to the original question... but who knows??

With the comments of Virgil during ILLUSIONS, it's easy to assume their friends do in fact know. They also seem to have no problem being close and interacting with one another whilst in the presence of others -- that is, except for one moment...

Ever since the first time I saw this episode (ELDER WISDOM) I have always found this moment strange - because Ed seems to get kinda awkward when Barry comes to check on Bart. (Or that's how I see it at least.) He realises Flash is standing there and immediately pulls his head down averting his gaze -- almost like he doesn't want to be seen by the elder. But why? Does Barry not know about the pair -- or maybe he doesn't know about Bart and Ed thinks their current closeness is too revealing -- who's to say Bart's even fully out to the world yet -- who's to say either of them are? We certainly don't since we weren't allowed to be shown. We can't know until we know - so until then we can play the speculation game while we wait.

Bart is certainly a bit of a secret keeper when it comes to being himself. I'm still convinced the Bart we see onscreen is merely his interpretation of what he thinks people expect from a speedster in this time. We saw 'real' Bart, he was snarky and cynical and nothing like the Bart we've had for the past two seasons. He said it himself - he's playing a character - and I don't think he knows how to break out of it - not while the possibility exists that it might hurt those he's grown to care about. Bart wants to be seen a certain way to avoid acknowledging the truth of the past - if people see him as happy and smiley, then no one will question him on things he doesn't want to talk about. The problem with that is you can't hide yourself forever - cracks begin to form and eventually, the truth comes out whether you want it to or not. So who knows how comfortable Bart is revealing any of his true self to those he cares about. Maybe his relationship with Ed will be the thing that finally helps him find comfort in being himself, whilst also trusting others to still accept him as himself... and maybe getting him that bit of therapy he really needs.

This brings us to Eduardo… First, can I just say it made me so happy to see Greg’s confirmation of Ed being gay - though it is slightly annoying that he was robbed of his explicit onscreen reveal in S3 thanks to the drama with Bart. His whole relationship to his powers in S2 to S3 fits the representation of coming to terms with your sexuality/identity from a very negative point of view. Feeling like it’s something that needs fixing or needs to be “cured” - to then finding the light and freedom in accepting yourself for you. His growth between seasons is brilliant. He understands the hate and insecurity the teens are feeling because he felt it himself. He does all he can to help them because he never felt he got that help when he needed it - and no one deserves to feel worse for being who they are. Obviously, the things he talks about are framed in the context of dealing with/accepting the meta-gene - yet there are certain moments where it seems he’s saying more than that…

All of which got me wondering - why did Ed originally runaway? It certainly wasn’t because of the meta-abilities he did not yet have. All he’s ever said on the subject was he thought he wanted to be with his father - the man it seems he barely had a relationship with. No, I think Ed has been running from himself for a long time and his dad just happened to be an actual direction for him to aim for. The way he speaks about his wanting to be “cured” and “praying to get rid of his powers” suggests an upbringing around religion and traditional ideas of there being a ‘normal/proper’ way to be — while anything that doesn’t fit that way is treated as other or something that needs to be changed or 'fixed'. Maybe he ran to avoid being found out and run the risk of being ostracised by those he loved. Or maybe he was found out and leaving wasn’t entirely his choice*. If this was the case, I can certainly imagine him not wanting to come out to his dad for fear of his reaction and completely losing all chance of that father-son relationship they’re both trying so hard to keep. It can seem easier to live in secret than risk the reality of loss. So while the meta-gene likely wasn’t the main thing he was angry about in S2, it was able to become a physical thing he could blame and focus his anger on - without having to think about where his issues truly lied… Though with a bit of time it also became the thing he was comfortable conveying his feelings through...

“I’ve learned to accept, even love my meta-abilities”

I love this line so much and it’s all because of the delivery by Freddy Rodrigues. There is the slightest hint of a pause before he says “meta-abilities”, which gives the impression he was about to say something else before then remembering himself and who he was talking to. Then there’s the small inflecion he put on “love”, which makes it sound like it’s the first time he’s heard himself say the words out loud. I don’t hear him talking about the gene - I hear him talking about finally accepting himself - all of himself - for the first time in maybe ever and finally feeling happy because of it. I hear growth... From being the angry 14-year-old skater who just wanted to run away and escape any way he could. To the 16-year-old councillor/Outsider jumping straight into the danger to protect and inspire those who need it. Both he and Bart are such strong characters with so much more to be seen - especially when it comes to the insecurities which lie behind their masks. They both compliment each other pretty perfectly - both powers-wise and personality-wise - meaning while they try to hide themself from others, I don't think it'll take long for them to realise they can't hide from each other.

Anywho, that’s all the speculatary nonsense I’ve got for today. This turned into such a patchwork of vaguely linkable thoughts I’ve had which barely relate to the one I started with - but that is usually how it goes. Take it as you will…

Also, completely unrelated to YJ, but Bi Tim Drake now exists in dc canon which is really cool - seeing all of the joy it’s sparked has really given me something to smile about this week… There is hope after all. 🌈

— LB ⚡️☀️

* OK so here’s a little random snapshot into the chaos of my mind— as I was writing the Ed stuff I had a scene pop into my head of Ed finally -for whatever reason- having to tell his dad that he didn’t leave his abuelo’s home - he got kicked out. His dads confused about this and asks Why? What did you do? And Ed’s like Nothing… I didn’t do anything wrong… he just… found out something. So Seniors like Found out what Eduardo? And Ed’s getting really nervous now because he doesn’t want to say it - That I, um… I’m… Senior step a fraction closer as he picks up on Ed’s anxiety but remains an appropriate distance - Son? Then after a tensening silence he finally says it - sounding the most vulnerable he has ever been - I’m gay… The silence is there again, heavy and unnerving, neither saying a word. Ed can’t move as he’s lock in his elders unreadable glare. Expecting the worse his head drops to take in the floor - anything that isn’t the disappointment ahead - he feels the urge to disappear burning up inside him - consuming him. Then just as he’s about to escape he’s suddenly grounded by a steadying hand rooting itself on his shoulder. Tentatively he lifts his gaze to witness his father, there, with nothing but love and support in his eyes - Mijo. The clamping in his chest dissipates as all the tension escapes at once, along with the breath he hadn’t realised he was holding. Ed embraces his dad and the elder embraces his son. Together. A family.

Anyway. That’s probably a load of rubbish but hey my minds full of it… but basically I really want to see a tender moment between Ed and his dad. For whatever reason. Something where Ed’s in a vulnerable state and in need of some emotional support from his father - and without hesitation his father steps up - because that’s what we haven’t seen from them yet. It would perfectly portray the strength of their relationship as father and son - despite their previous struggles - and prove that Senior is willing to support his son no matter the situation as the father - not just the scientist. Its the final step in their healing journey and I wanna see it so bad!!

[beepboop358]

How I think the characters will react to Byler when it is officially officially confirmed in the show:

El: once El realizes she doesn't romantically love Mike, she will become an avid byler protector.

El is a badass independent woman with a pure heart of gold. She cares deeply for Mike because he was the first person to show her any sort of compassion, so she will want him to be happy, and after she grows closer to Will, she will want Will to be happy too. El won't understand the societal stigmas around Mike and Will liking each other, since she was raised in a lab away from society and then lived isolated in Hopper's cabin, she has no knowledge of what society deems right from wrong surrounding sexuality and love. She will think other people thinking Mike and Will's relationship is 'wrong' or 'unnatural' is utter bullshit and completely stupid, as she should!

Jonathan: he will be 100% supportive. He knows how Lonnie tormented Will and made homophobic remarks about Will being gay when he was younger. He has always encouraged Will to be himself and ignore what others say, especially what Lonnie says. Jonathan will also be a byler protector.

Jonathan knows Will isn't "normal", he even said Will was "good at hiding" in s1 which has several meanings, and he probably already knows Will likes Mike because of how he immediately turns to look at Will after Mike blurts out he loves El in s3 in Hopper's cabin.

s1 ep. 2: "He's trying to force you to like normal things, and you shouldn't like things because people tell you you're supposed too."

s2 ep. 1: "No I'm serious. You're a freak. But what? Do you want to be normal? Do you wanna be just like everybody else? Being a freak is the best. I'm a freak. Who would you rather be friends with? Bowie or Kenny Rogers? Exactly. It's no contest. The thing is, nobody normal ever accomplished anything meaningful in this world. You got it?"

------(Some subtle queer coding there with the Bowie reference; David Bowie was a bisexual musician, and he also sings the original version of the song "Heroes" that plays after Will's fake body is found in s1, and the lines that play while Mike cries and hugs his Mom are extremely queer coded: "And we kiss as though nothing could fall. And the shame.")

Nancy: It's implied Nancy and Mike are pretty close, and honestly I think she has always suspected that Mike has a little thing for Will. From the look on Nancy’s face when he blurts out he loves El, it kind of reads as like she doesn’t believe him, because she knows something.

s1 ep.7: "I knew you were acting weird, I just, I thought it was beause of Will"

Joyce: will be 100% supportive, and a protective mama bear of Will as always, but also for Mike. Joyce will join the club of avid byler protectors along with Jonathan and El.

Dustin: avid byler supporter. I think he's picked up on how much Mike cares for Will, how Will cares for Mike, and has probably suspected at least something this whole time. Dustin doesn't care about being considered cool he cares about doing what he likes and being true to himself, and that belief for sure translates into how he views his friends as well. He will absolutely support Mike and Will and treat them normally.

s3 ep.3: "Instead of dating somebody because you think it's gonna make you cooler, why not date somebody you actually enjoy being around?" s1 ep.6: "Sometimes your total obliviousness just blows my mind"

Max: She seems pretty perceptive, so she's probably picked up on Mike and Will's 'special dynamics' by now, and we know she's definitely sick of how Mike treated El. She will be supportive of Will and Mike, but mostly she will just be glad Mike isn't with El anymore LOL.

Lucas: I think he definitely notices Mike seems to reallllyyyy care for Will, and that Mike doesn't act the same about El, although he claims too. I think Lucas sees through Mike's bullshit. Look at his smirking face and crossed arms when Mike frantically asks where Will is in s2:

and how he reacts the same way to Mike blurting out he loves El and "can't lose her again" in s3:

Hopper: he will probably want to kill Mike again.

"wait what?! so.. let me get this straight...all that time you were making out with my daughter, you were just...pretending to love her? You lied to her the whole time you two 'dated' yeah? And now you're dating your best friend. Oh god wait, I watched you tell him that asking him to be your friend was the best thing you ever did that night in the shed... Oh you little asshole!"

I can't imagine Hopper being homophobic towards Will and Mike, but I don't see him jumping up and down for them either. He will mainly be upset that Mike dated El when he was actually in love with Will, and not care so much that Mike is in love with another boy, just another person. But once he processes that El is actually okay, he will be fine with it.

Lonnie: is the literal scum of the earth! Obviously Lonnie will hate that Will is gay and dating another man. He will probably make some comments about how he "always knew it" and call Will and Mike homophobic slurs, probably at Will's birthday.

s1 ep.1: "He used to say he was queer, called him a f*g"

Steve: "Oh you two little shits are dating now? But I thought he was into the psionic chick? No? Okay, alright cool. Uh hey have you guys met Robin yet? I think you would get along, you know what I'll introduce you." Steve was so accepting of Robin coming out to him, there's no way he won't have the same kind of reaction for Mike and Will.

Robin: once she gets to actually know them and spend time with them, she will adopt Mike and Will as her gay sons and inspire them to be themselves and help them out whenever they need it. She will also pick up on the fact that they like each other immediately. If we don't get this pairing in s4 because of location logistics, I really hope we get it in s5!!!

Erica: she won't be homophobic, but she just won't care too much.

Karen: will encourage Mike to follow his heart, and like whoever he likes, because a relationship needs real love to survive, and she knows all too well what it is like to be stuck in a relationship with no love, and she doesn't want that for her kids, she wants better for them. She wants Mike to be truly happy no matter what, and she doesn't want to see him repeat her mistakes. Karen will be very supportive of Mike, and probably defend him to Ted.

s1 ep.2: "All this that’s been going on with Will, I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you. I just…I want you to feel like you can talk to me. I never want you to feel like you have to hide anything from me. I’m here for you okay?”

Ted: he won't be as much of an asshole as Lonnie will be about it, but he will probably make some snarky comments.

s1 ep.7: “our son with a girl? *scoffing*”

[oneofthosesimps]

Martyr

pairing: levi x reader I nsfw

word count: 5729

summary: after a long day and lots of tension, levi takes care of you and fucks you into your dilirium

warnings: choking (i mean like you get no air at all), rough sex, dirtytalk, swearing, sub x dom

authors note: ok, i'm absolutely not satisfied with the fanfic, but i've been sitting on it for way too long and i have to get it out now, because i can't work on anything else. the next one will be better, i promise.

all credits to the artist of this pic

i hope that's right

-----

"They're miserable" Oluo says to you and wrinkles his nose. You look at Marco Bott in front of you, hanging in the ropes of the ODM gear and trying with all his might to keep his balance.

A gust of air swirls individual leaves around you, causing a few strands of your hair to fall into your face. The ropes of the ODM gear blow back and forth slightly and this small movement completely throws Bott off balance. You can see the effort and sweat beading on his face, he clenches his teeth tightly before panic overcomes him. His body can't find balance and he starts to row his arms, but it's too late. He topples over backwards and with a dull thud his head hits the stone floor. "Pathetic," you mutter, grabbing your forehead with your hand. Actually, such an impact shouldn't even happen, but judging by the appearance, since Bott slipped out of the leather straps, he hadn't fastened them properly. "The students are a disaster," Oluo says in your direction, and you nod slightly at him.

"Okay, Bott, out of the harnesses! Arlert, you're up next!" he shouts to the other group members, then runs to Marco to help him out of his predicament.

Your eyes roam over the other groups and their contraptions. Oluo was right with his statement. It's been a long time since you've seen such a pile of work. There are individual exceptions like Mikasa Ackerman or Annie Leonhardt, but as mentioned before, these are only exceptions. The rest are doing just as poorly as Bott. A long sigh escapes you.

"They are a bunch of shit.” Your hackles stand up and a cold shiver runs down your spine. The goosebumps start at your shoulders and then spread down your arms. Your heart seems to skip a beat.

"Yes, they are, Captain." Oluo stands next to you again and your captain joins in as well. Out of the corner of your eye, you look to your left at Levi, who looks straight ahead with his arms folded in front of his chest.

"Oi, Arlert, you're a disgrace to our troop. Get a grip."

"Yes, sir," Armin shouts back, but you can see the uncertainty Levi's words bring and his whole-body tenses. He also loses his balance, his body swings backwards and he hangs upside down in the ropes, like Marco Bott before - at least he doesn't hit his head.

"What did I tell you!!! Tighten the center!" roars Oluo, stomping his feet as he makes his way to Arlert.

A breeze comes up again, stronger this time, and the cadets have great difficulty keeping their balance. In fact, everyone sails back, except, to your surprise, Connie Springer, who is cheered on by the rest of his group. You pull your jacket tighter around you, hoping it would catch some of the spring wind, but you shiver anyway.

"Your jaw is tight," Levi's deep voice says beside you, and you turn your gaze to him in surprise. His grey eyes look down at you from above and you swallow hard. He's such a handsome man. His shoulders show well through his uniform and his shirt tightens a bit at his chest due to his muscles. His eyes sparkle slightly from the sun shining on his face. The wind has spread some hair on his forehead and your fingertips start to tickle. How you would like to brush them away. You clench your hands into fists to stop yourself.

"Didn't even realize it," you reply, turning your gaze back to Oluo and Arlert to stay calm. Your heart drums a little in your chest. Your comrade is trying his best to help him and give him instructions and assistance.

"To be honest, your whole body is tense". You feel Levi's calm gaze still resting on you and you put your head back and stare at the sky. A few clouds drift across the sky, white and fluffy.

"It's been a busy day, too." Your eyes shift back to him and you both look into each other's eyes. His grey eyes seem almost a bright silver. He studies you more closely and the corners of his mouth lift up ever so slightly. "Understandable, with this bunch of idiots." You roll your eyes and have to grin slightly before sighing again. It was admittedly leaching to complete the first training sessions with new cadets. They are all so full of anticipation before harsh reality catches up with them and about a third of all are sent back home - if they still have a home after Wall Maria was breached and Shiganshina District had to be left.

Of course, it was little different for you back then, but you performed solidly right from the start and made it to the top 3 of all graduates after hard training. That was also the reason why Levi included you in his squad.

Nonetheless, you just got annoyed and wanted a break from all the frustration and instruction you had to give. Being a teacher is not the reason you joined the Survey Corps.

Levi is just opening his mouth to say something when Petra's loud voice echoes across the square.

"Captain, I need your help." Over Levi's shoulder, you can see her, hands flailing in the air. Levi clicks his tongue and his expression changes, becomes slightly annoyed. You do the same. He leans over to you, his head right next to yours. His strong scent of black tea and citrus rises to your nose and your knees go weak. His hot breath hits the shell of your ear and goosebumps cover your body again. "I'll make you feel better later." Your heart starts beating faster and a deep blush settles over your cheeks. You hold your breath as he turns and walks with strong strides back to his spot by Petra, the Wings of Freedom emblazoned large on his back.

"Tch, I haven't seen a fucking weakling like that in a long time, Yaeger," you hear him shout further back. Again, a slight grin comes over you.

"Ma'am, can you help me with the straps?" calls Christa Renz over to you. She snaps you out of your thoughts and you come back to yourself. You expel your long-held breath and make your way over to her.

The rest of the training was like chewing gum compared to before. The remaining part of your group wasn't a total bust, but Levi's words left a sweet note and butterflies in your stomach. Your whole body tingled with joy and the scenarios in your head took their own course. Every now and then your gaze swung to Levi, even as you have pulled yourself together, but the temptation was far too great. And then when he caught your gaze, you could see the change in him even across the distance. At one point you even thought he winked at you, which was the most uncharacteristic thing ever for him, but just the pure thought that you were right made your knees weak again. For this reason, you were more concerned with your students, who were not very happy about it. You had the reputation of being almost as strict as Levi - but with less insults - and that although your size made you look more like a dwarf. At the end of the training, the Levi Squad then condemned the worst to clean up the mess. The sun was lower by now, it was late afternoon and the wind was blowing stronger. You walked together as a group back to the large building and followed the cadets to the mess hall.

As usual, you took your food first before the rest could strike, which you were more than happy about. At least on days when there was meat, it was always an advantage for everything and everyone to fill their plates before Sasha Blouse. Her love for food was immeasurable. After her, there wasn't that much left for others to lead and sharing was out of the question for her. You plod along behind Eld with your full plate and settle into the seat next to him and Oluo.

"What a day, huh guys?" groans Petra, sliding onto the bench across from you, followed by Gunther and then Levi, who grabs the seat across from yours.

You stare at the potatoes, meat and bread in front of you and start eating, almost burning yourself.

The others do the same, while Levi drinks his tea and lets his gaze roam the room to observe the other cadets.

"There, you say something. I wonder when it's going to be expedition time again. Time to kill some titans again, isn't it?" grins Oluo next to you, poking you in the side. You give him a dry look. "You mean so I can do all the work again and you can rest?" Oluo blushes slightly, whether from anger or shame, and slashes at the table with his knife in his right hand.

"I was here long before you even got around to it, kid".

"That makes your 39 kills all the sadder," you mock, and the others stifle their laughter.

Oluo contorts his face and is about to open his mouth when Eld slaps him on the back, "Oh Oluo, I can still remember when you wet yourself on your first expedition."

The blow startles Oluo slightly and he yelps in pain. He slaps his hand over his mouth and contorts his face. "I bit my tongue," he mumbles, which really makes the others laugh now. You, on the other hand, just roll your eyes again and are pleased inwardly.

No matter how much you get on each other's nerves sometimes, you are a family that always stands up for each other. Most of the happy moments you can still remember were spent with this group. Each had its strengths and weaknesses, which in turn compensated for another. Your gaze falls on each of them as they still laugh and Oluo still complains before you look at Levi.

Again, your breath catches slightly. His gaze pierces you and holds you spellbound. He looks at you as he slowly eats. A shiver runs down your spine again and you press your legs together. His gaze is intense and deep, going straight to your soul. His silver eyes are darker and possessive. No one at the table seems to notice what's happening, as Levi has always been good at hiding your personal moments. It's a mystery to you how he did it since you always felt caught and like your body didn't really belong to you. He was the one thing that always upset you and left you breathless. You smile slightly at him and his gaze darkens even more, making you swallow.

"Captain, how about a little break for us tonight? We could all sit down together for a bit and have a little drink," Petra catches your attention. She blushes slightly and you have to suppress the gagging. Never, never, would Levi ever feel anything for Petra. Everyone liked her, including him and yourself, of course, but not in that way. They were much too different for that and didn't have the same goals. But you had already noticed how Petra looked at Levi and blushed and bit her lip and stroked through her hair and smiled and laughed extra and positioned herself well and always stood next to him, sat down, tried to work with him, always addressed him directly, took him in protection. You were never jealous because Levi never gave you a reason to be, but Petra made it really hard for you sometimes. Especially since no one, except Hange, of course, knew about how things were between Levi and you.

"Oi, your hand," Gunther says, touching it. You recoil and realize how your hand hurts. You clutch your knife tightly, your knuckles white. Everyone is looking at you. You let go of it and it falls to the table before you mumble a quiet apology and continue eating. Speaking of which, you were bad at hiding your feelings for Levi. The others let go of you and turn their attention back to Petra and Levi.

"Tch, do what you want, I still have workto do". Petra looks slightly disappointed and starts eating again. The rest of the meal was quieter as everyone was busy filling their bellies. Eld and Gunther are the first to leave before Levi raises his voice. "Oi, Petra, take my dishes away as soon as you finished". The girl seems hopeful for a brief moment before Levi smashes her hopes. He looks at you and your almost empty plates. "... And the other one here too".

With these words he straightens up. You look up at him. "Would you help me just now?" His eyes show a sparkle again and your gaze falls on Petra and Oluo for a brief moment before you nod. With those words, he trots off. You quickly get up, say goodbye, and walk after him. Your path past the cadets is quiet and the murmuring around you also quiets, which always happened when Levi was around. No one would dare to accidentally say something that might upset him. Levi headed for the stone stairs in the hallway, down the long hallway to the door of his office. A few torches flicker on the wall, lighting your way, even with the sun still providing more than enough light from outside. All the while, you follow him quietly until he unlocks the door and both of you step inside.

You close the door behind you with a soft click and turn around. Levi is standing in front of you with his arms folded in front of his chest. He leans slightly against his desk and examines you from top to bottom. The evening sun shines through the window behind him and strong shadows stand out on his face. "How are you?" You bite your lower lip and swallow hard. "Pretty good, I guess," you say and avert your gaze, looking down at the ground. You continue to feel his gaze and you blush slightly. Your breathing gets a little heavier and you swallow again. The tension in this room is heavy and oppressive. The energy between you is crackling and the hairs on your arms are standing up. It is amazing how different Levi could behave. Toward everyone else on the planet, he was an ass, no question about it. But to you, he treated you like you were a flower that would wilt if he didn't take proper care of it. You bite your lower lip. Levi's footsteps come toward you until he's standing right in front of you and you can look at his shoes. He puts a finger under your chin and lifts your face. His eyes are impenetrable, and he can probably read you again like one of his books.

"You know better than to bite your lip," he whispers to you. He places his left hand against the door behind you and leans against you. His eyes pull you in before you close them and feel his lips on yours. In the background, you hear him turn the key in the lock, locking you in this room. His teeth graze over your bottom lip and he captures it, sucking on it before releasing it. "I'll do that for you, won't I?" A low moan escapes you and you open your eyes again. He was even closer to you, your noses almost grazing each other, and his hot breathing and warmth befuddle you.

"Remember what I promised you earlier?" You nod and lick your lips. His gaze immediately darts to that movement before he looks into your soul again. "Repeat it."

"You promised me that you would make me feel better".

A slight smile curls his lips and he takes your face in his right hand. You nestle into it and your heart flutters.

"So, do you still want this?" What a question, you think and nod slightly, kissing the inside palm of his hand and staring at him. Please make me feel good. Again, he has to smirk slightly and presses a feather-light kiss to your forehead before stepping away from you, taking his warmth with him. He steps back to his desk and resumes his previous posture there. His face and body tension are harder and his eyes seem much darker than before.

"Take off your clothes," comes his instruction. His voice is also low and hard. You look at him a little unsettled and surprised before you start undoing the buttons of your blouse. His gaze follows your movements and he tilts his head slightly. You kick your shoes aside. The removal of your pants in particular seems to fascinate him, and you swear you saw a sparkle in his eyes as your bra and panties follow the other garments as well. So, you stand in front of him, shivering slightly from the temperature difference, causing your nipples to poke hard at him and your skin to be covered in goosebumps again. He licks his lips and takes off his jacket, placing it on his desk behind him. He undoes the straps that wrap around his torso and sets them aside as well.

"Kneel down." You do as you were told and kneel on the cold wooden floor. This causes the cold to shoot more strongly through your body and you shake yourself slightly. Levi is still watching you and slowly lets his gaze roam over you. After your next blink, he rises and steps to the other side of his desk, which faces his window. He opens the first drawer on the left and pulls out something. After closing it, he comes back to your side and slowly steps towards you. You are a little surprised at what he just did since you can't see anything in his hands. He stops in front of you and looks down. You follow his hands, which reach for the buttons of his shirt, which he then slowly opens bit by bit. His gaze stares at you again, while he moves as if in slow motion. For you, it was all much too slow and with each button your heart beat a beat faster again. If it were up to you, you would have torn it from his body so that the buttons would fly across the room. But your hands remain still in your lap as you wait for each button. Finally arriving at the last one, he undoes it as well before slipping his shirt off his torso. His shoulders and arms work as he does so, and your knees soften. You love his body, he's a god. With all the years of training and fighting experience, it goes without saying that he is trained, but his cross and arms especially make your heart weak. You don't know what that is because of, but it's just a preference of yours on him. One of the many you have to mention about it. And you love every single scar from his skin you've run along them so many times with your lips and fingers. Slowly your temperature changes. Your body becomes warm and you notice how your center becomes moist. He reaches into his right pants pocket and pulls out a long piece of rope. Your breath catches and your eyes widen. Levi still just looks at you and plays with it a bit, tightens it and let’s go again. As he does, the muscles under his skin play again, looking indescribable with the setting sun in the background. Veins come out from under his skin and you pull your eyebrows together in frustration. He shines like a saint that you love to cling to so that he can keep all the evil in the world away from you.

"Hands behind your back." Immediately you do as he said and follow him as long as you can with your gaze as he walks around you and then kneels behind you. His fingers are warm as they graze your skin and he ties the rope around your wrists to join your two hands together. After he's done, he runs his hands up your arms, touching the haunches above your collarbones for seconds before pulling his hands away again.

"Close your eyes," he whispers in your right ear. The last thing you see before your eyes flutter shut are the last rays of the sun, which bathe the room in a deep orange-red. You feel something being placed over your eyes. Levi ties the piece of cloth to the back of your head and then rises. As soon as you realize he's done, your eyes open briefly, only to see deep black. Butterflies spread through your lower stomach and you press your lips together to stifle a moan. With excitement and anticipation, you feel more wetness between your legs and squirm slightly to create some pressure, but to no avail. Now without sight, you rely more on your ears and the sounds of the environment around you. Levi moves quietly around the room, you locate him at his desk and hear him light a match. The smell of smoke fills the room. When he seems to be finished, he moves back toward you. You hear the rattle of the buckles of his belts, which then fall to the floor with a sound. He loosens one strap after another until the sounds stop. You feel his presence in front of you and squeeze your legs together again. Fabric rustles before it's quiet again. Suddenly, a hand reaches into your hair and pulls your head almost painfully to the back of your neck. Air escapes your throat and you make a surprised sound.

"Open your mouth." Levi's voice seems even deeper than usual and hard, almost cold. You open it on command and stick out your tongue. You hear him smirk and feel one of his fingers, which slowly works its way to your throat. "I raised you so well," Levi murmurs, and you suck on his finger. Shortly after, two more join him. "I'm going to use you so well. You're going to do exactly what you were made to do: choke on my cock and milk it afterwards." A long moan escapes you and you suck on his fingers, your tongue playing with them before withdrawing them again. A feather-light touch brushes over your left nipple and you sigh. "I saw the look on your face earlier. How shamelessly you fantasize about such things while your cadets are in front of you and that idiot Oluo is standing next to you. How I would have loved to take his place". Your saliva causes your nipples to harden again as the cold air swirls around them. The hand in your hair loosens. Shortly after, you feel something warm and soft against your lips. Your mouth opens again and you groan. Levi's cock slides between your teeth into the roof of your mouth and he moans out too. "Fuck, finally." You feel the wetness between your legs run down your thigh before it drips onto the floor. Levi's hand finds its way into your hair again, and he pulls his hips back before they shoot forward again and his cock buries itself in your mouth once more. He holds this speed for some time. You get warmer and warmer, especially at the thought of you kneeling there right now in front of him and him using your mouth. "You're doing so good, slut," Levi murmurs from above, thrusting harder. The sound of your mouth smacking and his increasingly heavy breathing echoes through the room. You taste a few drops of his juice and your eyes roll back into your skull. Again, a long moan escapes you and the hand in your hair grips harder. Slight pain jolts through your scalp and goosebumps form on your skin again.

"Your mouth is so warm and wet. Just not as tight as your cunt, but I can change that". His cock finds its way deeper into your throat, almost hitting the back it before withdrawing completely. For a brief moment you feel his lips on yours, his tongue exploring the path his cock had paved earlier. He tastes himself on your lips and wants much more of it. The kiss is wild and he leaves you with throbbing, swollen lips. "Tongue out." Before you can take a breath, you're sticking it out at him again. He slaps his cock on it a few times before burying himself inside you again with one smooth thrust. His entire length fills your mouth, and you gag slightly as his tip sticks way too deep in your throat. Levi doesn't let up though, keeping you that way before resuming his previous speed and hardness. You squeeze your eyes shut, but tears escape your eyelids anyway. They wet the fabric on your eyes and find their way along under it, flowing down your cheeks and dripping on your legs. The more your throat hurts, the heavier Levi's breathing becomes. His balls hit your chin and his second hand finds its way into your hair as well, holding you in place.

"You feel so good," his deep, dry voice comes out. "...The way you sit here in front of me and suck me so good. Other men dream about it. Who would believe what a slut you are?" You moan and the vibration makes him wince and he claws into your scalp. As best you can, you slide your tongue around his shaft, grasping his tip, sucking on him while his hips keep thrusting. Your mouth and neck feel painful and your jaw hurts from the constant mouthing. As your tongue touches his balls, his hips twitch and he pulls back breathlessly. His cock pulls out of you again and you gasp for air. You cough heavily and saliva runs down the corners of your mouth.

Suddenly, Levi's hands push at your hips and pull you upward. Your legs are jello, which is why he catches your weight and supports you. The soles of your feet touch the ground for only a few moments before you feel his shoulder against your stomach and your face comes to rest on his back. The air is forced from your lungs and blood rushes to your head. He grips the rope at your wrists, thus holding you tight before he moves. “Levi, I want more”, you mumble and feel the juice running between your legs. He opens the door to his bedroom and carries you to his bed, where he lays you down somewhat roughly. The room smells like him. The bed linen is freshly washed, which is normal for him. The smell of tea is also heavy in the air, as well as its own note, which is that of Levi himself. “Tch, it's clear to me that you little bitch can't get enough. But do not worry, my big cock will fill you up in a minute.”

He turns you onto your stomach and pulls your butt up and towards him. You feel his warm breath at your center and your muscles tremble. "Aren't you ashamed of yourself for being so wet?" He blows against your wet lips and you squirm slightly under him. You feel his tongue licking once along your slit. You moan loudly as you finally get some touch before his hand hits your right ass cheek and you howl in pain. Without warning, his cock drills deep into your cunt and your moans mingle in the small space, echoing out to you. Immediately, Levi picks up the pace he had earlier while fucking your mouth. You jerk beneath him, moaning into the mattress beneath you, and your fingernails each dig into the wrist of the other arm. Again, Levi's hand closes around the rope and he pulls you up to him, grasping your throat with his other hand and biting your shoulder. You moan his name loudly and press against the warmth of his chest. He licks over the bite marks and fucks you harder. Your walls close tightly around his cock and he moans loudly next to your ear. "How tight can you get?" he murmurs, and his hand around your throat squeezes tighter. His fingers are right against your main arteries. Your air gets shorter, your pulse beats faster to push the blood into your head, but because of the pressure from his fingers it doesn't work. Light panic overcomes you and mixes with your lust. "Levi...I-I," you try to say before everything around you goes black. Your whole-body collapses and you can't finish your sentence. He immediately releases the pressure of his hand before you finally lose consciousness and the blood rushes back to your head. The difference in pressure makes you dizzy as you slowly regain consciousness. His thrusts don't stop, his endurance was immeasurable. He moans into your neck and your whole belly tingles with satisfaction. Your moans get louder again.

"Again?"

"Yes," you groan out. You hear him laugh softly before the pressure around your throat intensifies again and the scenario from just now repeats itself. The mixture of dizziness and pleasure is a deadly mix. Nothing feels better and you want more, more and more, but Levi knows exactly when to stop before he puts your little body through too much. As you come to yourself again, Levi loosens his hand around the rope and wraps his arm around your stomach. He presses you tighter against him, holding your weak body tight. "You're the biggest slut," he murmurs against your ear. The hand on your belly slowly strokes to your pelvic bones, slowly finding its way between your legs. He circles your clit with his middle finger, making you twitch and squirm against his chest as you praise his name. His lips settle on your neck, beginning to suck as his hand pushes deeper. He feels his own cock thrusting into you and adds his index and middle fingers, burying them in your creamy hole as well, which they grip tightly, and your moans grow louder again. No one must ever know what Levi does with you during all those hours in his bedroom. No one would probably believe it. How many marks he has left on your body, how many times he has cut off your air, how many times he has fucked you into unconsciousness, left your cunt sore. If Levi would be a religion, you would be its first martyr.

You lay your head in your neck and his hand around your throat rests on your forehead, pressing your head back. This makes it easier for him to get to your throat with his mouth. He licks away the sweat next to the mark before making more. "I'm so sick of no one knowing what I do to you," he hums against your neck. "I'm so fed up with the fact that some complete idiots actually still think they have a chance with you, can fuck you the way I'm doing right now". At these words he fucks you incessantly, his two fingers in addition inside you, which stretch you further and you are in heaven. Your delirium is near. He feels his way forward, curves his fingers, massages the inside of your walls. He just can't get to your g-spot due to the extra space his dick takes up and you will think you are going insane. "Even though yes I love how jealous you get of Petra. Tch, as if I would touch that filthy bitch." His thrusts get even harder and your whole-body tenses, groaning in pain. "No one can give me what you give me," he whispers. No one could give him the power he had over you. He could do whatever he wanted with you and you would get wet with lust and horniness. You were a dream come true, not just in that way. Levi loves you more than anything else in the world, even if he never says it, but deep inside you know it.

The thumb of his hand moves between your legs again to your clitoris and presses against it. A second, two seconds pass before you explode. Your vision goes white despite your blindfold, your body writhes, the muscles in your thighs twitch wildly, and you scream the room together. His name falls from your lips again as he fucks you through your orgasm. Each thrust brings sparks, his lips on your neck and his hands on and inside you. As your body slowly calms, he releases you, removes his hands, and pushes you back into the mattress. Your face shifts over the fabric before he has you back in the right position. His right leg settles next to your hip and you hear the bed creak beneath you. He continues to increase his speed, getting harder. His head settles into your neck and he moans loudly as he fucks you, finally meeting his end. Tears run down your cheeks as your body is drained, screaming at you to take a break. But the sensation between your legs pulls through your body again, making you moan once more. His hands dig painfully into your ass before Levi explodes inside you. His juice squirts into you and your name falls from his lips, giving you butterflies again. He thrusts with light strokes before gradually slowing down and dropping against your body.

He gives himself a brief moment before rising from you and untying your hands. without any remaining body tension, you fall onto the mattress beneath you and tear the blindfold from your head. The room is dark. The sun has set in time and your sense of time is confused. The light from the candle in the office brings a little light into the room, so that you can make out the outlines of the furniture.

"Better?" You hum to him and snuggle into the blanket beneath you. "Oi, I'll run us a bath, don't fall asleep." You grumble again and look after him as he leaves you alone and drained in the dark room.

[nochiquinn]

campaign 3 episode 27: eternal shiny and chrome

"I'm sure there's a reasonable…."

critical role land when

the newly refurbished chamber that was once bad

"are we good at anything?" "we're all very attractive?"

"I did miming back in my 100s"

insight check for glass

"I use minor illusion to cast glass"

be fair that was 200 years ago

see

"I stopped counting"

"and other stuff"

"how long do gnomes live?" "shit, I guess we'll find out"

"you can't come straight to the show after robbing a bank"

"escorts 😏" travis

bruce fort

"who wasn't part of the ring fiasco? fearne put your FUCKING hand down"

big whammy no money

if cumberbatch had done this I would have enjoyed sherlock a lot more

they're totally time-hopping, aren't they

oh no

samuel

crack theory: what does breaking a modify memory feel like

[gets in my imodna bunker]

the bunker is protecting me from the imodnasplosion

erika you can't romance marisha on every show

LAUDNA casts HAIR SHIELD

"I have to leave" relateable content

gay

(I KNOW what I said but I am not immune to Gay)

[shoebox project voice] I get it, I'm rocks

laura

oh this is gonna be secondhand embarrassment power hour isn't it

laura and marisha: this will be a funny thing to do to sam's character

sam: TIME TO MAKE IT SAD

sam was that on purpose

fcg's memory centers are scrambled aren't they

oh no he's flashing back to That Time

liam: I also wish to be sad

miyazaki-ass motherfucker

"you don't truly know someone - " "until you've tasted their wood 8D" taliesin

I want this animated so hard

erika loaded a bunch of "wyd ;)" in a shotgun and fired it across the table

"dusk's no good very bad evening"

"if anybody ever makes you feel bad I will FUCKING kill them"

protective ashton my beloved

"do you have an alpha in you" "I don't know" "would you like one"

chet what do you knoooow

what in the little orphan annie

c h e t n e y

"beard check" but it's for skin

I DO kinda want the NB Critrole Logo shirt

Druid Panic™

POOP GUN

"de rolo is SPINNING. generating electricity for all of whitestone."

baby's first pepperbox

oh my god imogen you can't just ask someone if they're a firbolg

"HE calls him the Rake"

big gwanda energy

is it dancer

matt just gave me a fucking doubletake lmao

what in the jak 2

…or what in the baby anakin

mala: at dusk we race

fearne no

erika in full goblin crouch

FEARNE

OHH

"sorry, dad"

it's a supremo

(I've been playing far cry)

"did you not want to play with us anymore?"

"she is purely fueled by chaos" erika or fearne

(yes)

"she saw four other rats"

87 rats in a trenchcoat

"I have handwriting"

this is the recaps in the ant-man movies

"my two favorite nightmare fuels in the same room"

"there's a singularity forming between the two of them"

"double dare!"

honestly please put delilah on drugs, just once

non-canon one-shot like grog in the battle royale with the deck of many things

erika flinging their whole little body across the table

transform and roll out

I know this was already kind of mad max but this is getting hella mad max

"fucker is your art form"

[extreme southern accent] 'cause I'm a pot-hole

("no one is going to get that" it was for me)

this is EXTREMELY mad max

FUCK FORK

this really is just petals to the metal isn't it

go-karts as a business expense

SAM

[rowanaelinn]

Fire on Fire - Chapter Seven

chapter six / chapter eight

no one kills me after that, thank you very much <3

btw it’s midnight, i wrote that in two hours and it’s not edited so sorry in advance for that too

Rowan gently knelt down to put Aelin in the shower, her small arms let go of his neck to fall back by his side.

"I'm going to take your shirt off, is that okay?" Rowan asked gently, his voice barely louder than a whisper. She ignored him, her eyes fixed straight ahead with tears still streaming down her cheeks. "Aelin?"

Almost imperceptibly, she nodded. Rowan took the hem of her shirt and pulled it over her head, she raised her arms to help him but it seemed to take all her strength. She was only in her panties, sitting on the floor with her legs bent in front of her. She put her head on her knees, her arms around her legs as if it was going to protect her, as if she wanted to make herself as small as possible so that she could disappear.

"I'll be back in a second." He told her and went to his room to grab a shirt and a pair of boxers. He didn't know where she kept her clothes and he didn't want to invade her privacy any more than he already was. She hated him so the fact that he was going to see her naked was enough, she didn't need to know that he had gone through her underwear. He also took some water and towels to rapidly clean up the mess in her room.

The two minutes alone she had while Rowan was in his room and hers did nothing to calm her tremors. He took the shower palm and knelt down in front of her, she looked at him and for the first time, Rowan smiled at her. It wasn't a big smile or a pity smile, it was small and full of understanding. I know how that feels.

She didn't say anything but he could have sworn her body relaxed slightly. He turned on the water and adjusted the heat, not too hot but still (too) warm. He had noticed that she liked her shower hot because of the steam that came out of the bathroom every time she came out of the room.

The water splashed on his pants but he didn't care as he began to run the water over her arms and shoulders. She stayed still as she let Rowan take care of her, as she let the man who had been an absolute dick to her see her in her most vulnerable state.

He turned to access her back but what he saw made his heart stop for a second. Her back. That was the moment he realized he had never seen her back, no matter what he wore, it had always been covered and now he understood why.

There were two scars on the length of her spine, one at the top and one at the bottom, the same spine that wasn’t totally straight. Softly, he traced the shape of the first one and her entire body stiffened. “Please, don’t ask. Please,” Her voice was shaking and weak. Her back had been broken, he was sure of that. The scars could only have been caused by surgery. What the hell happened to her?

“I’m going to wash your hair now,” he only said and took all her hair in hand to wet them. They were soft, so soft that he may have spent more time than necessary to get them wet. He took his shampoo, not wanting to waste time looking at which of her bottles was shampoo. Gods, she brought so much product. Rowan only had shower gel and shampoo, thinking that's what everyone else had. Then Aelin Galathynius arrived, bringing shampoos, conditioners, hair care products, castor oil, and a bunch of other stuff he didn't even know the name of.

He ran some lotion through his hands and as gently as possible, he began to massage her head. She leaned her head to his touch and her breathing calmed down. Good.

He frowned as his fingers brushed against a piece of skin that did not feel the same as the others when touched. So that she wouldn't recognize his digging, Rowan looked at her scalp. A large scar was present on the right side of her head, hidden by her hair.

His breath caught, imagining all that could have happened to this woman. Quickly, his eyes searched for scars elsewhere on her body and he found a few on her arms, he couldn't see her legs from her position. The marks were not as large as those on her scalp or back but they were still there.

What the hell.

But she had asked him, begged him, not to say anything about her back so he would apply the same principle to the other scars.

He continued to massage her scalp, longer than necessary but she looked so rested that he didn't care. If it made her feel better, he would wash her hair all night.

After a few minutes, he pulled her hair back a little and gently rinsed her hair full of product. From this angle, he could see her cheeks and he noticed that there were no more tears on them, which was a good sign.

Quickly but still gently, he applied soap to her back and arms, not wanting to touch her where he would have to move her position. She had found a position where she felt safe and he would not take that away from her.

He turned off the water, rising above her and when he looked down, her eyes were already open. He'd looked at them too many times, blamed himself many times for that, but they fascinated him. Today, Rowan noticed that the blue of her eyes looked deeper and seemed to take up more space than usual. The gold was almost impossible to see. He was used to seeing the opposite, the gold grew whenever she was upset, making her eyes look like they were on fire.

He didn't smile, and neither did she. He knew that at the slightest sign of pity he would show, she would break again.

This type of breakdown she had today was not casual and he knew it, she didn't panic about her condition once and that proved Rowan right. She was used to it.

He wondered what her dreams had shown her tonight, what her mind had chosen to torture her with. It was at that moment that he regretted everything, regretted being the worst possible person around her. Not because he thought he had something to do with her condition, that kind of pain was deeper than mean words, but because maybe, if he had been a better person, she would have confided in him.

He had been so focused on pushing her away from his life that he had been blind to the possibility that he could just let her in. He shook his head, he was pushing people away for a reason. If he had any lesser friends, he would be alone now. Fenrys, Lorcan, Vaughan, Connall and now Aedion would never let him leave them, no matter how many times he had tried.

Rowan wondered if Aelin ever had anyone who fought for her the way his friends did. Sure, Dorian, Aedion, and Lysandra were here but did they notice every single thing Rowan noticed about her? Or were they wronged by her smile and the arrogance she used to hide her pain?

“Let’s get up, okay?” He said as he held his hands toward her. She looked at them and seemed to wonder what to do, he let her think, keeping the neutral expression on his face. After a few seconds of thinking, she let go of her legs and put both hands in his.

A surge of electricity passed through his body at that moment and Rowan was sure she felt it too. He used a little strength to make her stand up, her legs still a little weak. He took one of the towels and automatically Aelin raised her arms slightly, letting Rowan wrap it around her. He took another towel and had Aelin turn on herself, slowly, he began to rub her hair to dry it.

He took the opportunity to rub the towel lightly on the back of her neck and shoulders, helping her dry herself. She did nothing, just waited for time to pass, but Rowan saw that her gaze was no longer fixed on the horizon, lost in thought.

No, she was aware of what was going on around her, aware that he was there, and it didn't seem to make her uncomfortable. He left her the time, taking his hairbrush and start to untangle the small nodes that formed in the shower. It should have been more delicate.

He cringed when one of the knots didn't unravel directly, pulling Aelin's head back but she said nothing, letting him do it.

"I brought you something to wear," he said after he was done, she looked at him with a confused look before shaking her head slightly and nodding. Before he could do anything she dropped the towel that wrapped her body to the ground and removed her last piece of underwear. Rowan quickly turned around, giving her some privacy. It's not like there was anything sexual about seeing her this way, there was nothing attractive, he just wanted her to be comfortable.

“You don’t believe me,” her voice was flat, without any emotions in it. He turned his head with a frown to see her with his shirt on. It was huge for her, and he couldn’t help but appreciate the sigh. “For the scholarship.” She specified.

Well, that was random. He didn’t think about the conversation they had in the kitchen last morning at all. But if she was ready to talk, even if it was something as random as that, then he would talk. He shook his head, “I don’t, you’re right.”

“They don’t give scholarships to people like me.” No, they didn’t. “I told everyone I had one, and they believed me.”

“But it’s not true.” He said and she shook her head, confirming what he said. “How do you go to college, then?”

“My professor, Arobynn Hamel, pays for me.” Her voice was smaller than it had ever been. There was something about the way she said his name that bothered Rowan. He knew Arobynn Hamel, everyone did, he had read some of his books, he had even produced a quite good movie a few years ago. He also heard more than once Lysandra and Aelin talk about Professor Hamel.

“Why do you lie?” He asked her without judgment in his voice, only pure curiosity. It was weird for a professor to pay for a student that wasn’t one of his children, but Rowan remembered Aedion talking about Arobynn Hamel and Aelin knowing each other long before college, maybe he was a family friend? “Why lie when someone clearly cares about you enough to pay for your education? Your uncle and cousin are worried sick you’re going to lose that scholarship, you could make them feel better.”

She took a deep breath as if it was hard to speak. He was sure nobody knew what she had just told him, he could be okay with only one secret if she wanted to stop talking now. “Because the furthest they are from Arobynn, the safest they are.”

“What does that mean?” He asked but from the look on her face… She was done talking. She wouldn’t say anything more and it annoyed him, but he could respect that. “Let’s get you to bed,” he said and she nodded.

“Can you stay with me a little?” He knew how god damn hard it was to ask for help, but this little human being in front of him just did, she was strong enough to ask for something he never had the courage to ask in a decade. So he nodded, following her as she slipped in her bed, sitting at the end of it.

She had been honest with him tonight, more honest than she had been with anyone, it was only fair he was honest with her, too. “I had a nightmare,” he started. It was easier to speak without any lights on, even if he could feel her gaze burn his skin. “That’s how I heard you, I was already awake.”

She didn’t say anything for a moment, he even wondered if she wasn’t asleep. “What was your nightmare about?”

“You’ve got your secrets, I have mine, princess.” She laughed softly at that and he wanted to get on his knees to thank all the gods for that. It wasn’t a big, strong laugh, but it was one. One he would cherish.

“Are you okay?” She asked.

“No,” he said, honestly for the first time in his life. “You?”

“No,” her voice was quiet. “It’s weird. To answer that question truthfully. People don’t usually expect another answer than “yes” when they ask you how you are.”

“You’re right, they don’t.”

“I’m scared, Rowan. And my little trick to contain the fear isn’t working lately.”

“What trick?” He frowned even if she couldn’t see it. He felt her feet close to his leg under the comforter. He stood up, took her feet and the cover, and lifted them. He sat down again and this time Aelin's legs were on him.

“My name is Aelin Galathynius and I will not be afraid,” she whispered. He turned his head toward her, a brow raised and a small smile on his lip.

“So, you say that and it works?”

“I had the same conversation with someone a few years ago,” she laughed, moving to get comfortable and maybe to lean into his touch. “But yeah, it does. Or when it doesn’t I just laugh at myself.”

He just smiled at the dark, “Sleep, Aelin.”

“Can you stay tonight?” She asked. “I don’t want to be alone.”

As he squeezed her ankle he said “You don’t have to be alone anymore.”

------------------

It was still dark when Aelin woke up. The events of the night before came back to her mind with flashes, making her stand up suddenly. Rowan was lying in bed, the dim light of early dawn allowing Aelin to see his sleeping head tilted to the side.

What has she done?

What the hell has she done?

As quietly as possible she got up and grabbed a pair of sweatpants and her phone from the coffee table. She tiptoed out of the room, giving one last look to the man who had taken care of her yesterday after being a total bastard for almost two years. She didn't know what he wanted from her but she had already given and suffered too much. It wouldn't happen again.

She put on her shoes and went outside, starting to run. She listed in her head all the things she had confided in Rowan last night.

Arobynn, the scholarship, Sam's sentence...

You don't have to be alone anymore. What did it mean? She had been alone for years, no matter that she was in a room full of people, she was always alone.

Everything he said to her before last night, all the scornful looks he gave her... Everything she said...

Yesterday he told her he knew how it felt, did she hate him because he was a mirror of herself? Of the part of her that she hated the most?

She didn't care, continuing to run even though she was out of breath until she found herself in front of a familiar front door which she knocked on loudly for several seconds.

She had to run because she didn't know what was waiting for her in her room, didn't know what was going to happen. Yesterday changed things and Aelin hated change and she hated not knowing something.

The door opened and Aelin could see that he was surprised, she smiled at him but it did nothing to ease his confusion. "Aelin? What the hell are you doing here? Did you run? It's seven miles!"

"Can I crash here for a few days?" She asked out of breath. She didn’t know what she would do if he said no but she didn’t have to wonder about that for long.

He didn't hesitate before letting her into his little house. "It's your home too."

“Thank you, uncle Gav.” He smiled at her and kissed the crown of her head before she walked up the stairs to Aedion’s room. The moment her head hit the pillow she was out.

————

tag list:

@sheharahu // @morganofthewildfire // @thestoriesyoutell // @fromthelibraryofemilyj // @swankii-art-teacher // @itsforeverinnocent-blog // @becarefuloflove // @imnotsogoodatthis // @rowaelinismyotp // @a-court-of-milkandhoney // @feysand-loml // @surielandiareendgame // @live-the-fangirl-life // @story-scribbler // @loves-books // @fangirlprincess09 // @theysayitscrazy

[flowerflamestars]

I'm in a very angry-with-the-IC-and-Rhys-in-particular mood, and since I'm just rereading Daylight I was wondering, what is going through Rhysand's mind throughout the events of Daylight? Because it's basically his entire life CRUMBLING around him and I'd love to see the mental gymnastics he does to fit it all into his "I'm the good guy, actually" narrative. Or just his general reaction.

this is a FABULOUS question, thank you!

Daylight! Rhys is, in my opinion, the closest to a canonical (pre-acosf) character representation that I go for. He's so SO fucked up, and sublimating and burying all that trauma has, of course, failed, and it's all manifesting, in all these different directions.

To understand the level on which Rhys is losing his shit, it's important to go back to the very beginning: Rhysand, to Rhysand, is always, always the hero of the story. The down on his luck knight with truth in his heart. The struggling, just man.

He CANNOT seeing beyond himself for even a second. He casts himself in the most important role, as the only person whose personal consequences exist.

His mother, at probable great risk, takes him to Illyria to be trained- the precious, first-born, godly son of Night. To learn to fight- to learn, presumably, her culture- to see what that culture is reduced to, a harshness he will on day have the power to change. Rhys had to be, at some point, a great hope for Not High Fae denizens of the Court.

What does Rhysie learn? Illyria is harsh. Illyria is bad. Backwards and cruel.

He hates his father for...presumably, the crime of being a pretty traditional High Lord? Rhys hates the cruelties! the Court of Nightmares! the broken system!

So what does Rhys do when he has power? he fires everyone. He doesn't like them, he doesn't like whatever they did under his father...so instead of hiring new people, he removes himself entirely from a potential role in changing/mitigating those policies. See also: the Court of Nightmares, cowed occasionally, but not in any way governed by Rhys.

But he's the hero! He's destroyed the oppression! His Court of Just his Bros is made of women and Illyrians!

(Rhys removed the terribleness from his direct experience...because only his experiences matter)

So, Rhys in his head: the struggle, the hero, the man just trying to do it right.

Which brings us to Daylight....and Feyre. I know we can attribute the way the characters stop even remotely being sympathetic between acomaf and...everything else...to poor writing, but I also think there's some (maybe accidental but PERFECT) character work there: in acomaf, pre-acknowledged bond, Feyre is an important possession/ally- she's on the same level as the other members of the Court of Dreams, if the jewel of the collection, a high point in the story Rhys tells himself: HE saved the HERO OF PRYTHIAN

(which...let's not even touch on the fact that the deal he makes in acotar is CREEPY and he can only justify it later. she wasn't someone he wanted to work with in acotar- she was a vulnerable, hot young woman he fully took advantage of)

And then they're mates.

And then, slowly but surely, Feyre's personhood disappears. For two reasons: 1) Feyre is on a pedestal so sky-high it blots out everything. Good, pure, true hero Feyre whose adoration Rhysand needs like air. the happy end of his story, the prize and the salvation, the one who sees him.

and 2) ultimately, to Rhys, Feyre is an extension of him. A symbol: his happiness, his peace, his endless power, what he fought to keep.

She's his whole anchor staying sane, which isn't great, considering...ya know, everything. But the Story is Over. They are Happy.

Except- except- nothing is over. Post fifty straight years of torture, a freefall into war and fuckery, teen marriage and literal death, the consequences for all those things AND THE SHIT RHYS WAS PULLING LONG BEFORE AMARANTHA TURNED HIM INTO A CHEW TOY, are still present.

But now, he has something to protect. His golden future. His puppy Mate.

Because Feyre's safety is the safety of his power and vice versa. Anything he does is justifiable because the loss of Feyre is Not an Option. She is Happy. They Are Happy.

It bleeds into everything- and then it intensifies, because this is the breaking point.

The Az/Lucien thing and Feyre incredibly hurtful blindness? No Rhys isn't going to interfere- Az is so private anyway- if Feyre believes its a romantic bond, Feyre is right, she knows her sister, not that it matters because Elain is totally out of her mind.

Sending Cassian to Illyria? Illyria is a backwards shithole right? They're fierce fighters and that's what Rhys values them for- as the hammer of his power- and nothing else? why would there be anything else? Look at them fighting and hurting each other.

Nesta runs and Cassian is left throwing himself in battles actively trying to die and Rhys? Rhys is totally smug. A problem that hurt Feyre and his brother is GONE.

But it's not gone. Az isn't talking to anyone- and Rhys thinks this probably means Lucien is probably, finally fucking him- but even Feyre understands that Azriel knows where Nesta is. When this is proved (when Elain surfaces and they have the very fun kitchen fight) Rhys isn't happy- but he understands. Azriel has always felt responsible for broken things.

But thats not his job, it's Rhysands job, and Rhys has already made that tough choice for the safety of his own: Nesta has no place here. When she resurfaces inevitably, broke and wanting something, Rhys will stop her before she gets close enough to upset (hurt) Feyre. It's his job.

Cassian goes missing, and Rhysand sets upon what will become his eventual move: Illyria's value is strength. (a martial strength that belongs to RHYS). But they think they can take from him? They can destroy their own best chance? (Rhys recognizes Cassian's value to Illyria even while, you know, ordering him to slaughter Illyrians) They would threaten his power? hurt his family?

Rhys will not allow a world to exist where Feyre can be hurt.

If Illyria can't be controlled, Illyria will be put down, like the rabid creatures they are. (They were always backwards, Rhys thinks. Freeing my mother was the one good thing my father ever did)

But Cassian lives.

Rhys asks Azriel if he's been cursed. Az laughs in his face.

And Cassian is a terrible enemy to have. The strategies the loyalists are using? His, filtered through Rhys. The magical contingencies? Cassian and Az, trying to prevent bloodshed.

Feyre thinks, for a long time, that maybe the rebels have Nesta. What else could compel Cassian to even care? these people keep trying to kill him. they want to kill Rhys. the brothers suffered in the frozen mud at the hands of these monsters, what is Cassian doing?

And then the massacre happens.

And Feyre sick to her stomach, cries when she hears. Rhysand thinks about a little hazel eyed boy who'd never had a bed, a present, who'd been nothing until Rhysand plucked him up- a little boy who'd grown into a dangerous man, who'd just killed every person who ever contributed to his pain. Rhys thinks, knowing he'll have to punish Cassian for this, that it's over.

The camp lords are dead, it has to be over.

(Azriel hears and understands- because he knows damn well Cassian was something before Rhysand, and after despite him. That beneath those repeatedly broken ribs is a heart that was once so big so save him, grown strong enough now to save everyone who was like them: forgotten, abandoned, used.)

It's not over. The mountains are burning. Banners fly on northern wind in a language long dead. They're singing, the spies say, they call him dawn. Loyal-heart-as-dawn.

It's Cassians name. Not that Rhys, who never knew more than a few vile insults in the language of his mother's ancient, proud people, understood it then.

Rhysand, the long-suffering hero of his own story, has been betrayed.

He can risk no more- it's time to end this madness. It's Feyre's idea to use Elain- it's Feyre who is left crying, a betrayal Rhysand will never forget- when Elain, who they've given everything, Elain, perhaps just as broken and wretched as her eldest sister, refuses to help keep Feyre safe.

(Elain refuses to participate in what she sees as genocide, but as we've established, what consequences exist? the ones Rhys feels right in front of his face)

Azriel, Elain, and Lucien run.

Of course, if both Feyre's sisters are capable of betraying her, of course, both of Rhysand's brothers would as well. They are one in the same, aren't they? Marked by destiny, by fate for this hard and terrible work- of course it hurts. Of course- but Rhysand will stop it from hurting Feyre any more.

There's one force in the world that can stand in truth against Illyria. The Darkbringers- their ancestral, ancient conquers.

(Yes, I do think Rhys knows the shitty, shitty history of his court! He just doesn't care! He didn't do it. He's different. He's in Velaris with the common people. He has wings. He's not his father.)

(He is, in fact, far worse)

When he thinks of it, it seems perfect. Illyria will be destroyed- a loss, but a safe one. Keir, will, almost certainly, also be destroyed or at least critically weakened.

Rhysand will stand alone, the man who was willing to do anything for peace. He will rule over an emptied playing field, secure in a world where Feyre is safe.

The Hewn City empties, the armies march- Rhysand holds tight Feyre's hand, says nothing about the fact that nothing, nothing, will stop Keir from killing anyone in front of him when battle starts, and reaches once more for Cassian's mind.

His brother, his friend, his loyal right hand- he begs him to come back. To come home. That they can put down this rebellion and in his love for Cassian everything can go back to how it is meant to be, all of them together.

It does not occur to him to address the hundreds dead. The system he was complicit in and responsible for that ground a culture to dust and ash- what matters is brother against brother should never have turned, and Rhys, in his kindness, will offer Cassian this last chance for honor.

Rhys doesn't want Cassian to die- he wants Cassian by his side- but he will drown the world in blood before he'll lose his crown and hope and Feyre.

And when Cassian dies, falling to the earth in Rhysand's arms, Rhys thinks of penance.

A circle closed.

But of course- Cassian wakes. Death is not done with her right hand anymore than the contract between Lordship and land in immutable. Cassian brought the magic back, brought Illyria back.

Rhys is fighting for something personal- Cassian is fighting for a whole world and future, with everything in himself.

When the new border is drawn, Rhys doesn't despair- sure he's shaking, he's covered in Cassian's blood, his twelve thousand year old walls are smoking and the whole world smells like fucking Nesta Archeron- he's been the victim of curses before.

He won't let it keep him down. He'll be fine. He has Feyre, they're safe. Illyria is going to implode- and maybe, maybe, he'll save some of those that remain when the violence is too much, when they need a real High Lord.

They'll come home. Just like Feyre's sisters will. Rhysand's brothers. They fought for peace and Velaris has it- it is their home.

It's what they fought for, the happy ending, and it's all worth it.

It has to be worth it.

[yuckydraws]

I'm not sure if the matchmaking ask thingies are still open, but I saw the papyrus one and just had to try!

I'm female, straight (sorry if that's kinda boring. But I am kinda...questioning. Haven't been with a girl so idk if I would be if I actually had.)

I'm 5ft small (why is everyone I know taller than meee ;-;) a little chubs but not by much.

I love writing, singing and sweets.

I don't go out much and just kinda potato around when I don't have work. Serious procrastinator. Like I'm literally procrastinating Right Now while I write this out.

Insomnia game is too damn strong and I don't wanna play anymore.

My sense of humor is puns, memes and any other form of humor that most people believe belongs in the trash... but I am the trash so it's all good. Someone once told me my entire personality is memes. I thanked them.

Oh! Also stuffed animals. Lots. Of. Them. I have way too many because I don't have the heart to get rid of any of them, but I also keep getting more. H e l p .

So that's that and I hope that's enough for the thingy. If these asks aren't open still, just ignore me! Thank you for your time!!

(Just a note to anyone reading this, I’ve closed matchups, I’m just finishing the ones I have in my inbox so pls don’t send any in! Headcannon and writing requests are open tho! Feel free to send those in. Alright anyways, onto the matchup!!)

Also I feel like I should add, being straight isn’t boring or bad. If anyone makes you feel that way, they don’t deserve to be your friend. Okay now onto the matchup lmao:

I match you with…

❤️Pup❤️

(Fellswap Papyrus)

First of all… he totally understands the couch potato thing, he’s not the biggest fan of going anywhere he doesn’t have to. However he is surprisingly outdoorsy, and he might invite you to go on a scenic walk. He also likes simple dates like coffee or bakery shop dates where you guys can eat all the sweets you could ever want. He’s totally chill with a home date too though. Pop in a movie… maybe build a fort… and he can cuddle with you the whole time???? Um yes please.

He loves sweets too, and he’ll be happy that you both share that love. This man has a serious sweet tooth. He’s like a little (well actually kind of big, he’s 6’6) goblin that can sniff out sweets from a mile away.

Also you like singing???? Can… can he listen?? Please?

If you aren’t comfortable he wouldn’t push it, but if you do let him listen to you?? Oh stars he’s all ears. Fun fact: if you sing him a relaxing song while cuddling? You’ll be able to feel him relax and soon enough he’s asleep. He might purr a bit too (He’s the biggest and easiest purrer of all of them). He really loves your voice.

Also memes? He’s in the same boat. He’ll send you anything that makes him chuckle and he’ll reference memes whenever he gets the chance. He loves it when you guys get in that giggly mood where everything is funny and you just can’t stop laughing. It’s just pure happiness.

However… puns? He’s not the biggest fan. He likes them, sure, but he’s heard so many from his brother, Vant, and he’s kind of sick of skeleton related ones. It’ll take a really good one to get him laughing. If you wanna tease and torture him a bit, just make any skeleton related ones. He’s heard them all. And he’ll be cringing for sure whining at you to stop. But he’s smiling too.

He won’t mind your stuffed animal collection either, he has his own. Can yours and his be friends?? He has names for all of his. He won’t be any help in containing the collection because he will be buying you and himself more.

He’s and insomniac too, but honestly all he needs is someone with him to sleep soundly. When you cuddle with him at night he finds it’s much easier to fall asleep and stay asleep. However, he knows it’s not like that for everyone and he’ll be very sympathetic. He’ll do anything he can to help you sleep too.

Here’s a scenario:

You and Pup are sneaking in with more plushies after a date night. You both relax when you see the lights off. Oh good, Vant must be asleep.

Then the light flicks on. And there Vant is, sitting in the front room, legs crossed, waiting with an unimpressed look on his face like he’s a mom of a teenager that snuck out.

Vant: So, did you two have fun?

You and Pup desperately try to hide the stuffed animals behind your back.

You: Yeah! The movie was great, isn’t that right, love?

Pup: yup.

Vant: …

Pup: so, I think we’ll just head back to our room-

You: Yup!

You both awkwardly shuffle and walk backwards so that your back is never to Vant. Once you get into the hallway you both make a break for it.

Vant, yelling after you both: I better not see any more stuffed animals migrating to the guest room!!!!

Pup, ignoring his brother and holding up the penguin plushie he got all excited: i’m gonna name him waddles!

You, giggling and holding up the cat stuffed animal you got: I’m totally gonna sneak this kitty into Vant’s room!