#also i'm posting this an hour after i started it bc i've done lots of other things

[lalalian]

dragon riding equipment | aethergarde academy dr

date: november 23, 2024

it's been a sec since i've done a longer post (like a little over a week or smth.. right?)

I was busy with my finals... I still am, but like... I miss posting 😭😭

Equipment will be outlined in aethergarde's student handbook too!

ANYWAY-- enjoy this incredibly long post! I'm sorry if there are any typos, I don't feel like looking over everything (T-T)

how to get your equipment (kinda)

It's pretty easy to find shops that sell dragon riding equipment in cities-- but in rural towns and villages, this kind of equipment can be almost impossible to find near you.

If you are not starting off as a noble like me, buy your equipment within the first week of school-- actually, no, get it ASAP. You should, ideally, start looking for equipment after you retrieve your egg (you need to get your egg as soon as you get to campus).

What if you don't have the equipment by the time you need to start using it? You'll be left out of lessons, standing off to the side while your peers fight or fly, which will absolutely tank your grades.

You should have your equipment before the first month of school ends.

If I have a month to get said equipment, why not wait?

There are lots of dragon riding equipment shops, but not all of them are of good quality. Rough half of the students attending Aethergarde will not be nobles, on top of that, nobles will commission the best shops-- especially luxury brand shops-- to custom make their armory, saddles, etc.

This makes the dragon equipment market rather busy around this time of year.

BUT

I'll help ya'll out, though, I can't promise you'll be the only commissioning things from these places.

school supplies list

let's start with the obvious, you'll need either an enchanted fountain pen, a regular fountain pen + ink, or some quills and ink. Quills and ink are cheaper, they're the equivalent to like, wooden pencils. Fountain pens have the same reputation as mechanical pencils. Enchanted fountain pens are really trendy! Definitely also get a set of gum wax, aka waxers (erasers); kids like to call them gummies (fruit gummy resembling snacks are called jellies here!)

You should get basic stuff like loose parchment (loose leaf paper), an academy bag (a backpack, highly recommend a messenger type bag), and writing books (notebooks to take notes in)

dragon mounting gear: includes such things like a saddle and reins, very similar to horse gear

wind-breaking charm OR riding goggles OR a riding visor: Wind-breaking charms are pretty hard to find-- I mean it's not impossible, but it's just not cheap. Riding goggles are an old rider thing, they aren't used much anymore. Riding goggles look like your typical steampunk-esque goggles. If you want a physical facial wind breaker, get a riding visor. Riding visors look similar to ski visors, but the glass lookin part tends to be tinted orange due to a strong sunglasses effect.

kinda like this ^^^^ but w/o the gas mask; if anyone's got a better idea for this btw, plz let me know!

I'm still in the works with this aspect.. mostly bc I feel like the visors don't fit the fantastical aesthetic-- but I didn't want to immediately default to using magic and charms because I want the rider uniforms to be more unique than the typical 'fighting leathers', yk? Idk, maybe the décolletage cover is unique enough.

Other sight wind-breaking options:

wind-protectant eyedrops: these are rather new (has been released to the market a year before you shift here) the liquid is runny like normal eyedrops when you put them in your eyes, but the substance begins to form a film over your eyes. The film feels exactly like contacts, so it's easy to forget the substance is still on your eye. The film only lasts for a few hours (the film will eventually dissolve), and does not do any damage to the eye. To manually remove it, use the 'antidote' eye drops (wind protectant eyedrops and antidote eyedrops are sold in a set) to lubricate your eyes, then after blinking a few times, remove the film by softly pinching it out of the eye (NOT WITH UR NAILS, USE THE PADS OF YOUR FINGERTIPS!!!). The downside to these eyedrops is that they do not protect against the sun; though, sun-resistance eyedrops are starting to come to the market. You must make sure the sun eyedrops are wind-protectant friendly, or the sun eyedrops won't stick to the film, causing the sun eyedrops to leave your eyes too quickly. These eyedrops are also pretty expensive, but it's still less expensive than rider grade wind-breaker charms.

rider grade sun-resistance charm: A lot of people carry these around just in general, especially during summer, but the one's you should buy should be rider grade. Rider sun charms are stronger and are made to be used when you're flying in the sky for long periods of time. Sun charms need to be replaced every few months; all sun-resistance charms have to (legally) have a label that gradually changes to black-- the darker it is, the less it works. It typically starts to darken after two months of use.

moving on--

fighting attire: Unfortunately, it's not ideal to fight in aethergarde's uniform-- But, it's not like it's impossible if you take the outer coat off. Speaking of uniforms, Aethergarde provides a fighting garment set that comes with the formal uniform (the pretty one). You're required to wear it for fighting lessons, including outside missions; in your third, fourth, and fifth years, you can start replacing elements of your uniform with better material. Why not simply allow students to get their own fighting garments from the start? Students need to know how to fight wearing armor made for higher ranking riders-- the material is different from lower ranking riders' uniform.

you'd be wearing smth like this but w/o all the stringy bits! consists of a lot of wild dragon hide.

a weapon: you'll need to have chosen a weapon before the end of the second month!

optional riding supplies

décolletage cover: Main purpose is to provide warmth for the face and neck area without compromising movement. It's highly recommended-- plus, you'll look cool. Many décolletage covers are charmed to always be warm and protect against harmful gases.

often looks like this but less kinky looking and the bottom part is fitted to the chest-- also not all of them have this same design, but they all do cover the same areas.

it'd fit like this ^^^^ to the body!

riding gloves: helps you have a better grip with weapons or to your saddle. If you're planning to sleep on your dragon while it flies, there's a little belt mechanism that you can loop through the front of the dragon saddle that attaches your hands to the saddle. This helps keep your body from sliding off the dragon during flight. If the front of your saddle isn't comfortable, you can loop the belt through any belt buckle on the dragon; the most common place is around the bottom of the dragon's neck (pictured in the 2nd pic). It's best to get black gloves, but brown can also work.

the highlighted yellow area is, relatively, where the most popular glove attachment is (for napping). There'd be more belts and stuff around the dragon btw, I just didn't feel like doing all that shit.

belt vial holder: you can place travel sized containers of potion bottles in the best + you can attach charms to the belt too

flight bag(s): This bag can be easily attached to your dragon's saddle, most saddles can hold up to 2-4 bags. Bags in general can be tailored to become flight bags, but it's best if the bag has some sort of tight buckle-- you don't want your bag to fall open when you're flying around!

these kinds of bags are common riding bag designs! if you have a smaller satchel you like bringing around, you can put it inside of one of these bags

how to get your equipment (actually) pt.2

Like I mentioned earlier, it's better to buy rider equipment in cities rather than villages and small towns. During rider season, it won't be uncommon to see a bunch of stalls along the streets selling rider stuff.

Getting stuff like academy bags, belt vial holders, and travel bottles from stalls isn't a bad idea, but it's always best to get your most important equipment from an expert with a good reputation.

Unless you know the crafter is great at making everything-- extremely durable saddles, reins, weapons, and fighting attire, you should go to shops that specialize in each part.

recommended shops:

Since common street shops will be busy this time of year, I'm going to recommend you some underground shops.

I cannot guarantee that these places will be completely empty, as they're all well-known in their own right, but they all will be able to cater to you before all of your deadlines.

Make sure you bring the actual school supplies list with you!

middle steed

Name: Aadam El-Hussein

Specialization: dragon saddles, belts, and flight bags

Summary: After his father's arthritis in the hands started becoming worse, Aadam took over Middle Stead. His dad still helps around at the tannery though! As with all the shopkeepers, Aadam and his father are extremely passionate about their jobs. Don't be afraid to ask for any innovative features; like if you think you'd sleep a lot on dragonback, you can ask Aadam to make the saddle more comfortable for you to lay in a certain position. If you're extremely worried about safety, you can always ask to have other safety features implemented in the design.

To get here:

Find the Dragonmead Brewery in Itresal (the city Aethergarde Academy is located in) the alehouse is located on Millmount Street.

There should be a space between that brewery and the bakery next to it-- go down that alleyway and pass two wooden doors. When you get to that third door, knock; either an old man (Aadam's dad) or Aadam himself will open the door

From there, you can order a saddle and all the appropriate equipment you need

Some tips:

Get another saddle commissioned by him every two years; dragons grow relatively fast, so simple tailoring won't always suffice

You can put off getting saddles until your dragon near rider flight age

Instead of bringing your dragon to Middle Stead, bring him into Aethergarde. He'll need measurements to make a proper saddle

Any metal (like in the buckles) should be plated with a matte coat or cold black iron

storm forage

Name: Reynard Ulysses

Specialization: Dragon rider armor and rider fighting attire

Summary: Reynard was born into a rural farmer family, but after his older brother ended up being a rider, Reynard moved to Itresal with his brother. Since Reynard was often tasked with preparing hide, he decided to work at a local butcher shop to help his brother financially. Oftentimes, his brother would come home and complain that he needed to replace his fighting garments. The two of them couldn't afford to keep buying cheap fighting attire, so Reynard started learning how to make it himself. Eventually, he started selling his products to other people-- over the years, he's honed his skills, and became known in underground spaces for having great fighting attire.

To get here:

Located in the southern part of Itresal in Ranger's Way

Go down the alleyway between Steel Whim (blacksmith) and the Loving Fowl Inn

Walk straight until you reach a fork; walk through the rightmost path, then go left at the end of the path

There should be a wooden sign that says Storm Forage on a door; knock on that door, you can order from there

Some tips:

You may see Callisto here

Everything you wear has to be matte; tell Reynard to plate any metal on your fighting attire with cold black iron

waning moon burrows (face wear)

Name: Yessuf Yohannes Tarik

Specialization: rider goggles, rider visors, cloaks, aerodynamic magitech

Summary: Yessuf is the only one out of all the merchants so far who was born of noble status; however, he left home to escape from the classic noble lifestyle in his early 20s. He no longer wants to be a noble, and simply identifies as a commoner. Yessuf was particularly driven to escape his luxurious life to pursue his passions and sell his products at a more reasonable price. Ever since he was young, he had a strong affinity for engineering, but when magitech came around, he took his passion to a whole different level. Though is not a dragon rider, he was always fascinated by dragons, this spurred him on to make technology that would aid riders. Yessuf is an innovative prodigy; Yessuf's shop is most likely to be busier than the all of the ones I've mentioned so far.

To get here:

Located in the central part of Itresal in Quarry Avenue

Find The Pioneer Brewery and ask for a "vermond tea served with a stick of sweetbark"

The bartender will ask you to come to the back to see the new selection of sweetbark; follow the bartender, they will take you to Waning Moon

Some tips:

Literally every single product this guy sells is amazing. Not a single one is bad, he puts in a lot of effort to make everything he sells as good as he can make it

Only sells wind-resistance charms on the weekend, but sells wind an sun-resistance eyedrops Monday, Wednesday, and Friday

His wind-sun resistance eyedrops and his wind-resistance charms sell really quick

if there's something you want that he doesn't actively sell, like, perhaps... a flying ship.. you can commission him to make one, but you will prob need to provide him with a lot of the materials

You should get wind-sun resistance charms here; they're cheaper because Yessuf does not base the price on existing market value

the dew drop: potion's shop

Name: Katherine Dowenstein (Blonde lady), Lorelai Dowenstein (Brown hair)

Specialization: Potions, tonics, elixirs, balms, herbs

Summary: Katherine Dowenstein grew up in an orphanage. Despite that, her life was rather peaceful growing up. Since she loved going outdoors, cooking, and baking, her caregivers often remarked that she'd be a great apocathary when she's older. Determined to meet their expectations, she began learning all about different plants and potions through both books and experience. When she was older, she decided to work in a potions' shop, but hated the restrictions placed on her. Kathie grew to hate her job, and her love for potions waned, but it wasn't until she healed a child who was thought to have an incurable disease secretly by giving the child tonics Kathie believed had a chance at helping her through her illness. That child was Lorelai; after she recovered, Lorelai begged to become Kathie's apprentice. By Kathie's request, Lorelai lied and told her parents and everyone else that her body simply fought the virus on its own. Kathie didn't want a lot of people knowing about her skills, as she didn't want to be confined by strict regulations any longer. Kathie started her own potion's shop; Lorelai helps her out.

To get here:

There's two different ways

One way is to find Lorelai; she frequents a bread shop called Crumb Hours at 8AM-10AM to read a book and eat before she goes to work (Mon-Fri)

Ask her if she's reading Time of Barbury by Guinevere Roth; she'll say yes, and she'll ask you to join her on her walk back to The Dew Drop at 10AM

Another way is to find the way to the shop yourself

To do this, go to the same bakery that Lorelai likes to go to, Crumb Hours, and go down the alleyway located between the bakery and Utred's Lenses

Go straight down until you reach the area where the path deviates; go left, continue down the path until you come across a fork

Go down the middle path; then knock on a door labelled The Dew Drop

Notice that the area is not the shop is not selling any potions-- only herbs

Lorelai will answer; tell her if she's selling the book Time of Barbury

She'll nod, and she'll take you down a trapdoor, which you lead you to the actual store

Once you see Kathie, you know you're in the right place

Some tips:

Katherine prefers to go by Kathie!

Ok so do note that the regulations placed on potions and tonics are there to (obviously) make sure that potions and stuff are safe to consume, but since it's so strict, it's hard to be innovative, and use different kinds of ingredients and recipes to make potions

"but what about weapons?"

You'll need to go to a shop that specifically caters to your weapon type; if the store sells weapons that aren't closely related to each other (like swords, bows, and scythes), it's unlikely that to shop is of the best quality. if a shop sells only daggers and swords, that means that the people making the equipment are actually specialized in making those weapons. Since there are so many weapon types, I don't think I can make shopkeepers for each!

[plantenjoyer]

I SWEAR I KEEP TRYING TO DO ART BUT THEN SOMETHING GETS IN THE WAY AND THEN I PROCRASTINATE AND THEN SIX MONTHS PASS

[cherrygirlfriend]

kook!reader and pope going apple-picking

warnings: fluffy! i've had this on my mind for a MONTH bc i got a bunch of free apples and baked like... four apple pies in the matter of two days. but i wanted to wait until it was all fall-y to post it. (also the among us shirt was inspired by an actual t-shirt i saw at the thrift store. i do have a short little bonus part coming for this soon!!

something unexpected that pope learned about you was that you loved fall. he would've always thought you'd prefer summer; your personality was basically that of the literal sun, but the moment there was a small breeze in the air and you spotted the first orange leaf on the ground, you'd picked it up and called him, telling him how you were going to put it in your scrapbook.

so, it really shouldn't have been a surprise to him that one morning, you'd show up to his room, basically trying to pull him up, and after he pulled you into bed and you two laid there together for an hour and the dog that was basically yours, but technically his, came to lick his face, he finally got up.

your boyfriend kept asking you where you were taking him as you drove, the little bichon sleeping snugly in his arms in the passenger seat of your car, but you wouldn't tell, simply humming along to the girly pop song playing in your stereo with a wide smile on your face.

"where are we, exactly?" pope asked when you two finally arrived to your destination, a small farm right between figure 8 and the cut.

"we're at mr. parker's farm, duh."

"don't duh me, i know that." he said with a small chuckle, bumping your shoulder lightly with his, "i mean, what are we doing here?"

"oh," you chuckled, taking something from the backseat, and when you held the thing up, he noticed it was two large wicker baskets, "well, mrs. parker is teaching me how to crochet, and i mentioned how i really want to pick some apples and bake apple pie, so she said that they had way too many apples growing and she said that if i wanted to, i could come pick some, as long as i bring them a few slices of apple pie to try."

"babe," he chuckled as you handed him the other basket, starting to lead him to where mrs. parker had shown you the apple trees were, blanche's leash on your other hand, the dog excitedly following, "i'm not sure which part i should address; the fact that you're friends with a 60-year-old, that she's teaching you how to crochet, or that she let you pick apples just for a few slices of apple pie."

"josephine is a very nice lady." you look at him pointedly, "and crocheting is relaxing. supposedly. for me it's still a bit confusing. but i wanna make blanche a sweater one day."

"you know, most dogs hate clothes."

"our dog wouldn't. i can see the way she looks at my dresses, and how she barks at your t-shirts like she wants to rip them apart."

"hey! what's wrong with my t-shirts?"

you look at him blankly, "my grandpa dresses better than you. you wore a shirt that had an among us character the color of the italian flag holding a plate of spaghetti with the text 'impasta' underneath it for our second date."

"that was jj's, my shirt got all muddy..." pope mumbled, scratching the back of his neck, but soon you two arrive in front of an apple orchard miles long, the boy's eyes widening. "yeah, that's... definitely a lot of apples."

you chuckled, taking his hand as you pulled him further into the orchard, the little dog following behind you, and before you knew it, you were stood on a wooden stepping ladder, reaching up for apples and throwing them into the second basket, the first one already full of both red and green apples.

"you know, you don't have to hold onto me, i'm a big girl, i won't fall." you chuckled, pope's hands holding onto your waist, "if you just picked some apples yourself, we'd be done a lot faster."

"i know you." and by the tone of his voice, you could tell he was looking at you pointedly even though he was behind you, "if i let go of you, you're gonna fall, and you'll probably get concussed."

"alright, i know that i can be a bit clumsy-"

"a bit? remember when you tripped on my charger last week? when it wasn't plugged into anything? or when your shirt got caught in the doorknob and you hit your head on it? or the time you broke your leg falling down three stairs because you were looking at pictures of your celebrity crush? or-"

"alright, alright, i'm clumsy!" you puffed, taking his hands off your waist. "you can stand there for safety, but no holding on. i gotta focus and your hands are really warm it disturbs me. besides, the broken leg was when i was fifteen. i never should've told you.

"she's in denial." he said to blanche, laying on a small blanket on the ground that you had brought with you for him, letting out a small yip, as if in agreement.

"hey! don't turn my baby against me."

"well, she's my baby too."

"well, if you're not careful about what you say, soon we'll have to co-parent." you huffed, continuing to pick apples, the boy simply laughing at your 'threat.'

he watched as you continued picking apples, humming along to the same song you were listening to in the car, a fond smile on his face, yet as you rose to your feet to pick the last apple, standing on the very edge of the stepping ladder, he noticed the wooden thing wobble, his eyes widening.

but as you got your feet stable, it was already too late, the stepping ladder already starting to fall to it's side, your eyes widening when you realized what was happening.

you closed your eyes tightly when you started falling, and as you felt your body fall against the hard ground, something was under your head, softening the blow.

hearing a soft groan next to you, you opened your eyes, finding pope laying on the ground next to you, his arm under your head. "your head weighs a lot."

"what are you doing?" you chuckled softly.

"well, i knew i wouldn't be able to catch you, and since the ladder isn't that tall so you'd mostly get away with bruises anyway, but you could still get a concussion or a head injury from that height, so i estimated where you'd fall and made sure my arm was under it."

"you know, you could've just said something cheesy, like 'because i wanted to protect your pretty head', you textbook."

"oh."

"you know you could've broken your arm or something."

"and you could've let me hold onto you."

you laughed softly, shaking your head before rolling onto him, pressing your lips on his, the boy's lips warm against yours, bringing your hand to his cheek.

when you pulled away from the kiss, he looked at you with a slightly dazed look on his face before he broke into a grin. "thanks for protecting my head."

"anytime."

[meruz]

hi!! im sure ppl have asked this b4, but i scoured your asks tag for an hour or so looking to see if you answered anything abt it and couldnt find anything, so i was just wondering if youve made any posts on your process for making n selling merch b4? and how you know which franchises you can make merch for w/o getting into trouble w copyright n trademark stuff (hopefully that makes sense, im not sure,,,)

hi! got a bunch of asks abt merch stuff lately im gonna put it under a cut.

preface: i don't know if i'm the best person to ask about all this stuff because I'm doing merch on a strictly hobby basis LOL. I have a fulltime job which takes care of the bulk of my finances, I don't really make big quantities of anything and my main priority at cons is to just make enough money to see my friends in different cities at minimal expense. i pretty much always get a refund when i file my con taxes because my profit after all the deductions is like fucking..nothing.. lmao. So if you ultimately lose money following my advice don't blame me. OK NOW lets get into it

my process for making merch: when I have an event scheduled that I want to make merch for I start by brainstorming a bunch of stuff I wanna make. for mgscon this is what I wrote down in my sketchbook lol

i made a legend to denote which ones are actually just reprints. it gets easier to plan out merch when you already have merch. out of the new merch ideas here i actually only made like 4 of them. and out of the reprints i only reprinted like three. i also came up with like 4-5 other merch ideas after writing out this list that i actually did do. LMAOO UM. my point here is that nothing rly goes as planned.

when i get a merch idea i start with thumbnails what i want it to look like (sometimes this is based off merch ive seen before so its very realized and sometimes its really vague bc im kind of pulling it out of my ass)

then BEFORE i go into making the final art I research how I'm going to make the merch. whether its printing/constructing it myself or looking for a manufacturer. There's a lot of different places that you can get custom merch made, i used to go shopping around at local printing shops but nowadays it's really common to do it all online. For both these jet tags and the washi tape I did some of my own research into manufacturers and also asked friends for their contacts/referrals/recommendations etc. most manufacturers either have their specs/template publicly available or will give them to you when you ask. so once I've locked into a manu and gotten the specs I'll start designing the final art.

then it's sending it off and waiting! easier said than done.

i will say this process is a lot lengthier for some types of merch than others LOL. for prints... I've been doing prints for like a million years and I plan out almost none of it. I draw everything at print resolution so a week before I have a con scheduled I'll simply go through all the files I've accumulated since my last con, squeeze whatever drawings I want into standard print sizes lol (ie. 8.5x11, 11x17, 4x6 etc), and print them at a local shop. takes like a couple hours max.

how you know which franchises you can make merch for w/o getting into trouble w copyright n trademark stuff?

I mean. honestly I don't know. selling fanart is the kind of thing that IP holders kind of just let slide as long as they don't think they're losing a substantial amt of money on it. there ARE a couple franchises people avoid because they've been known to send IP lawyers after fanartists... disney is the big one and they're known for being pretty petty abt it... that's why you don't really see people selling fanart of the disney princesses at cons. ive heard pokemon will also crack down if your project seems to be making a lot of money lol, part of why i think a lot of pokemon fanzines operate on a charity basis. I do feel like the pokemon company has bigger fish to fry than someones artist alley table though so i wouldn't sweat it too much.

it's also generally considered impolite/bad taste to sell fanart of small franchises. webcomics and indie games especially if they only have like 1-2 devs who rely on the income that game makes.

I'm not a lawyer so you shouldn't consider this legal advice BUT I will say... I don't think you should let IP law stop you from selling fanart lol. especially if it's low quantities/not mass produced and you're not making crazy amts of money I think you kind of have a leg to stand on. Besides, most cases it seems like the worst you'll get is a cease and desist.

you Will notice that when people start turning their artist alley endeavors into a real business they'll generally ease up on selling fanart (the case most prominent in my mind is omocat lol). but i love fanart and thats why i will never make money and thats a promise [snake saluting gif]

SORRY IDK IF ANY OF THIS WAS HELPFUL. I've been doing merch and cons for a long time (10+ years lmao, you can find record of this on this very blog) and i think im kind of old fashioned about it. i recognize the artist alley/merch scene is a lot more demanding now than it used to be but start small at local low-risk events, online sales etc and work your way up and remember to have fun and itll be ok i believe this wholeheartedly.

its literally just layers of acrylic like any other dinky charm. I'm sure pretty much any manu that does acrylic charms could do it but this specific charm/template i did order through a group order server. they're pretty well known! heres a link to their twitter

@wheatormeat sorry for taking a full month to answer this... anyways. This is tricky because I've actually been changing up my sticker manu everytime LOL IDK if I've found one I actually love.

these ones i ordered thru an alibaba manu because I was jumping on a friend's group order to save on shipping. it was ok. they arrived a liiiitle late and printed a lil dark but i think thats kind of my fault LOL I use dark colors i always need to lighten things before i get them printed and i think i just didnt lighten these enough. otherwise i rly love the quality!

i realized i never posted these online and also this is not a good picture (the lighting in my living room sucks rn) but i printed these tmnt stickers thru stickerninja they feel really solid but they needed kind of a lot of space for the cutline. but their customer service was very nice and helpful!

these ones i got printed at washimill and i was so impressed with how fine their cutline is... pricing and quality of the sticker itself is alright they feel a lil flimsy? idk. but i do like the printing. i kind of elected to go with them solely because i was already ordering washi tape. A LOT of my manufacturing decisions are made based on how much money i can save on shipping tbh.

and thats my sticker manu reviews dont forget to like comment subscribe idk if i have one im gonna stick with forever or anything im rly indecisive. ideally id like a manu based in the u.s...? because im based in the u.s. and international shipping is pricey. but idk if i keep ordering washi tape maybe ill keep using washimill. who knows...

[helloalycia]

𝐕𝐀𝐑𝐒𝐈𝐓𝐘 𝐂𝐑𝐔𝐒𝐇 [𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄] — 𝐉𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐈𝐄 𝐓𝐀𝐘𝐋𝐎𝐑

summary: when Jackie surprises you with a kiss, you're excited at the possibility of what it could mean, only to discover she's got back together with her boyfriend the next day.

warning/s: implied internalised homophobia i suppose?

author's note: and here’s the third and final part - i hope you liked this one, loved writing for jackie 🥰 i have amother jackie one done and another in the works bc apparently i was super inspired recently lol, and i’ve also got some other stuff in progress. But the next thing I post is gonna be an alycia debnam carey imagine (gotta stick to my roots haha)

one / two / masterlist / wattpad

I groaned inwardly as I looked all around the darkroom, my locker and my school bag for my lens cap, but I just couldn't seem to find it. That's when I wondered if it could be in the bleachers on the soccer pitch – maybe it fell out of my pocket when I was shooting recently.

Like the lazy girl I was, I went outside with tunnel vision, immediately searching the bleachers for my lens cap, but I still couldn't find it. As I paused, looking up for a moment to think, I realised someone was on the pitch, and upon closer inspection at the waving figure, I realised it was Jackie. Huh.

When I climbed down from the bleachers, she jogged over to me with a confused expression, but smiling nonetheless.

"What are you doing here?" she asked breathlessly, a little sweaty from practice, and it was annoying because she still managed to look good.

"I lost my lens cap for my camera," I said with a sigh. "The last place I remember having it is here."

Her fingers played with her bottom lip as she glanced around. "Oh. That's annoying. Erm..."

"It's fine," I said, not wanting her to worry herself over it when it was my problem. "I'm just having a look around, but I don't think it's here. Might pick up a new one from the camera store. Anyway, what are you doing out here? Where's the team?"

At this, she rested her hands on her hips. "No practice on today, but I wanted to have some me time. Thought I'd put in some extra practice. I've finished now anyway."

I quirked a brow. "Isn't Shauna usually your lift? How you getting home?"

"Shauna is helping her parents with something," she said, before flashing me her signature smirk. "I was planning to flirt with some sophomores and get a ride."

I laughed, shaking my head. "Of course you were."

She winked playfully and, though I didn't doubt she could find some desperate sophomore to give her a ride, I couldn't just let her do that. Besides, it seemed she was getting lifts off me a lot lately, so what was one more to add to the list?

"I'm done in the dark room if you need a ride," I offered.

"Oh, I wasn't hinting at anything," she said, giving me a genuine smile, but I shook my head.

"I know, but still. I don't mind."

Appreciative, she nodded. "Thanks. Do I have time to shower?"

"You have all the time in world, darling," I said as I looked around. "I am still yet to find my lens cap."

She stifled a chuckle. "Good luck with that. I'll go clean up. Meet you at your car?"

I hummed in agreement, already mentally retracing my steps with my camera, and she left me to it. After spending half an hour more searching all around for my lens cap, I finally gave up and went to sulk in my car. It wasn't actually a big deal, especially because I could just buy a new one after dropping Jackie off, but it was the inconvenience of it all.

Not long after I got in my car, Jackie joined me, tossing her backpack in the backseat before sliding into the passenger's seat. Looking refreshed, she shot me a smile.

"So, where to?" she asked, pulling her seatbelt on.

"Your house?" I replied, thinking it was obvious.

"But I thought you wanted to get your lens cap from the store," she said with confusion. "Oh, wait, did you find it?"

As I started the car, I said, "I didn't, but it's fine. I can drop you off home."

"I don't mind going," she said, leaning her elbow on the door. "It's on the way anyway."

"You sure?"

She hummed in agreement, so I drove us straight to the camera store, knowing I wouldn't be long. Luckily, it was still open for the day, and when we headed inside, she immediately began to wander around the small store, intrigued by the cameras on display.

I began to talk to the shopkeeper about my lens size and what camera I had, hoping he had a replacement cap I could buy, and then he left to have a look in the back.

"Y/N, there's a photo booth!" Jackie suddenly called as I was waiting for the shopkeeper to return.

"Yep," I acknowledged, having seen it a million times so not sure what the hype was.

"We have to use it, c'mon!" she pleaded, already grabbing my hand.

I rolled my eyes, having gotten used to Jackie so much that I knew to just go with the flow at this point. She was grinning as she looked at the button and money slot.

"It's fifty cents," she realised, before elbowing me in the gut as she rushed to find some coins in her pocket. Eventually she pulled out a quarter and looked at me. "You got another quarter?"

"I guess? I don't–"

"Look!" she encouraged, and I grumbled to myself as I dug around in my own pocket, managing to pull out a quarter. Before I could even offer it her, she grabbed it from my hand and put both of them in the machine.

After fiddling around, a manual timer ticked to signal the first photo was going to be taken, so Jackie moved closer to me to fit in the lens.

"Smile!" she said, and I had no choice but to listen.

The photo was taken and, just as quickly, the next timer was going off.

"Funny face!" she instructed immediately, before pulling one of her own.

I rushed to stick out my tongue, managing to do bunny ears behind her head without realising, and then the final timer was ticking.

"Okay, a kiss on the cheek for the grand finale," she said with amusement, and because we'd been so rushed up until now, I didn't really think to question who was kissing who.

As the last tick went off before the photo, I turned to kiss her cheek, but she must have done the same, because for a brief moment, our lips touched and then the photo was taken. Embarrassed, I quickly pulled away, as did she.

"Sorry," we both blurted at the same time, and suddenly this photo booth felt too small.

"Y/N?" the shopkeeper called, and I was grateful for the interruption as I stepped out the photo booth and saw he was back at the counter. "Got your lens cap. This should fit like a glove."

I swallowed thickly as I approached the counter, acutely aware of Jackie stood behind me, looking as awkward as I felt. After paying the shopkeeper, the two of us left and returned to the car.

"Er, did you want the photos or–" Jackie started to ask when we got in the car, holding the strip that the machine gave her.

"It's okay, you really wanted them," I said quickly, before distracting myself with starting the car.

To say the car ride home was awkward was an understatement, even with the radio filling the silence. I wasn't sure why, since we both knew the poor attempt of a kiss was an accident, but my fear was that I'd made her feel uncomfortable. It was the last thing I'd wanted, but I couldn't bring myself to speak, and neither could she.

I barely got chance to put my parking brake on when she got out the car and avoided my eyes.

"Thanks for the ride," she muttered, before walking up the long path to her mansion of a home.

I would have left it there, but it felt wrong to, and then I noticed she'd left her backpack in the backseat, so I called her from the open window and grabbed the bag. Jumping out the car, I jogged to meet her halfway, glad she'd stopped.

"You forgot your bag," I said, holding it out to her, and she accepted it, expressionless but staring holes into my face.

Knowing I couldn't leave it like this, I started, "Jackie, what's–"

But she cut me off instantly – and to my surprise �� with a kiss. I stumbled back as she grabbed my face, kissing me with such intensity that it took me a second to realise that Jackie fucking Taylor was kissing me. And she was really good at it.

I closed my eyes, reciprocating the kiss, breathing in every part of her floral perfume, tasting every bit of her strawberry lipgloss. There was a second where we paused to take in a breath, but she closed it just as quickly, desperate and sudden and surprising.

Finally she pulled back, and then as if realising what she'd done, her hands let go of my face and she avoided eye contact like I'd make her go blind.

"Thanks," she said awkwardly, before spinning around and speed walking to her front door.

"Wait, Jackie–!"

But she fumbled for her keys and was already at her front door, not bothering to turn around. I swallowed hard, my lips still tingling from the sensation of hers, and went back to my car. Did that really just happen?

All night I was thinking about it, replaying the afternoon in my mind. She'd made me question a lot about my feelings for her in the past, and at one point, I was certain I was just projecting onto her – maybe that flirting was just who she was? But no, it had to be real, because she'd just made out with me on her own accord, and I liked it. I'd liked her, sure, but she'd always been unattainable to me for obvious reasons.

Well, until now.

The next day at school, I was hoping I could talk to Jackie about everything properly, maybe get some clarification on what she was thinking. So, you can imagine my surprise when I walked past her in the hall and saw her standing with Jeff, her supposed-to-be ex-boyfriend, leaning on his shoulder as he had an arm wrapped around her.

As soon as I saw them together, my heart dropped, the surprise easily replaced by humiliation. God, how could I have ever thought Jackie Taylor and I could be a thing? Was I stupid?

Turning to walk a different way, I fought back the urge to cry, feeling used and stupid and like an absolute fool for thinking yesterday was anything special.

"Hey, Y/N, wait," Jackie suddenly called, and then she stopped before me with apologetic eyes. "I didn't–"

"So you're back with Jeff, huh?" I got straight to the point, glaring at her.

She avoided my eyes and nodded weakly.

I scoffed, feeling much better hiding behind my anger than my sadness. "Why did you even do it, Jackie? Why d'you kiss me?"

She frowned. "I don't know."

The longer she avoided my stare, the more upset I became. How dare she do all of this, make me fall for her, force herself into my life, only to throw it back in my face.

"Just wanted to test it out?" I muttered bitterly. "Kissing a girl?"

She winced. "No, it wasn't like that."

"Then what?" I asked, searching her expression for a clue, but she refused to answer, either not having the words or not wanting to upset me anymore. Too late for that. "You should figure your shit out," I said harshly. "And don't speak to me again."

Finally, she looked up, but I was already leaving, ignoring when she called my name. I should've known she'd go back to him, she always did.

Fuck Jackie Taylor.

It was impossible to avoid her and Jeff over the next few days, since they were in a lot of my classes and always on the way to my locker, but I tried my darn best to.

Unfortunately for me, I was out grocery shopping with my mum when I spotted a familiar blonde head of hair further down the aisle from us, standing with her best friend. I was hoping if we stayed put long enough, they'd just keep going and we wouldn't bump into them, but my mum, who was oblivious to our falling out, spotted Jackie instantly.

"Oh, Y/N, your friend is here," she pointed out, and before I could tell her to keep it down, she started to call out Jackie's name, earning her attention.

"Mum, no!" I whisper-shouted, but it was too late because Jackie and Shauna were already approaching us.

I considered walking away, finding somewhere else to busy myself, but my mum would have just found a reason to make it a big deal, so I stayed put and kept quiet.

"Hey, Y/M/N," Jackie greeted my mum in her usual chirpy voice, before I felt her looking at me. "Hey, Y/N."

I ignored her, suddenly interested by the handlebar of the trolley.

"Jackie, it's so great to see you again," my mum said, genuinely happy to chat with her, since the soccer player had made quite the impression on her. "And your friend, it's Shauna, right?"

"It is, it's great to meet you," Shauna greeted her kindly before shooting me a smile. "Hey, Y/N."

"Hey," I mumbled, giving her a quick smile before looking at the bananas on display.

"You know, it's a good thing I bumped into you," my mum said to them, particularly Jackie. "I wanted to thank you again for your help at the fundraiser! We raised over five thousand dollars!"

"That's amazing," Jackie said with disbelief. "I didn't know."

At this, my mum glanced at me questioningly. "Didn't you tell her, hon?"

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. "Must've forgotten."

"Oh, Y/N," my mum scolded lightheartedly as Jackie looked away uncomfortably.

She continued to talk the girls' ears off before finally realising she was holding everyone up and saying her goodbyes. Taking the trolley from me, she began to push it forward and I was about to follow, but Jackie suddenly grabbed my arm.

"Y/N–"

I pulled my arm from her grasp, not bothering to meet her gaze. "Don't you have a soccer game to practice for or something?"

She didn't reply, and I rejoined my mum's side, remaining quiet for the rest of the trip. Why couldn't Jackie just leave me alone?

I was making notes in my English workbook as the teacher continued to explain the variations and development of children's language AKA the topic of our next assignment.

"...and I think that, just like children, students like Jackie Taylor can't seem to focus when they're supposed to be," Mr. Collins suddenly said, pulling me from my focus. "Miss Taylor, is there something particularly fascinating about the back of Miss Y/L/N's head?"

A few students giggled to themselves as I flushed with embarrassment, too afraid to turn around to see what he was talking about, though it was pretty self explanatory.

Jackie cleared her throat, embarrassed. "Of course not, sir. Sorry. Continue."

"Thank you," he said sarcastically, before continuing to read through his presentation, but my face was still flaming and I was unable to focus for the rest of class now, aware of the hazel eyes staring a hole in my back.

God, she was seriously not helping with this whole getting over her thing.

About a week after the whole Jackie thing, I unfortunately couldn't seem to avoid her forever as I had to take photos at the Yellowjackets' away game. I told myself I'd just do my job and be gone to avoid any awkwardness, but of course, that couldn't happen.

The game happened to be at East Rutherford High which wasn't a big deal, but as I was setting up my camera on the side of the pitch before the game, Olivia found me.

"Y/N, hey!" she called, and I turned around before remembering she went here.

"Liv, hey," I said with a smile, before hugging her. "I totally forgot you go here. Big soccer fan?"

She chuckled. "Not really. But my friends are so I said I'd come watch. Don't know why we bother though, the Yellowjackets always kick our arses."

I tried not to laugh because it was true. "Way to support your team."

"As a school, we've kind of accepted our defeat," she joked, before nodding to my camera. "You're taking photos for the paper, right?"

I nodded, letting my camera hang from my neck. "That's right."

"Your photos are always so good," she complimented, and I was surprised she'd seen them, so she clarified, "Sometimes our school paper look at examples of nearby schools and whenever they show us yours, I always see your photographs."

I smiled with embarrassment, though touched that she'd noticed. "Thanks, Liv, that means a lot."

She shrugged. "Just stating the truth." She paused, glancing out at the pitch as the players started to file out. "Surprised your friend, Jackie, isn't here. Didn't think she'd like me talking to you."

At this, I grew embarrassed for a different reason. "Yeah, look, I'm sorry if she was standoffish with you last time. I didn't–"

"I'm teasing," she assured me, trying not to laugh. "But it's all good. I should go find my seat anyway."

I sighed, nodding, and she smiled sweetly at me before leaving. Rubbing my face, I tried to push any thoughts of the soccer captain out of my head, hating that she was still being mentioned even when she wasn't here.

Instead, I focused my efforts on photographing the game, actually quite enjoying that it was an evening match so the lowlight gave me something to practice with. During half time, Olivia stopped by again and I welcomed it, enjoying getting to know her a little more. She was actually really chill to hang out with, but Jackie's words were still in my head about her 'textbook flirting'. Either way, Olivia was fun.

It was a given that the Yellowjackets would win, and after the game ended and I snapped some celebratory pictures, I moved to the side of the pitch to pack up my things. Olivia approached me again and I smiled.

"Great game, huh?" she said with amusement.

"Always is when the Yellowjackets play," I said playfully, and she raised her brows with mock disbelief.

"Wow, you're already starting the soccer war? That's low, Y/N," she said, making me laugh.

"Gotta support the home team," I said with a shrug. "Especially when they're that good."

She rolled her eyes, suppressing her smile. "Yeah, yeah..." As I shouldered my camera bag, she asked, "You heading off now?"

"That's the plan," I said with a tired sigh. "Why? Aren't you?"

She locked eyes with me, smiling softly. "I was going to ask if you're free to hang right now. Could grab some food or something?"

"Oh," I said, realising she was asking me out. "I– erm–"

It sounded fun, and why couldn't I enjoy a dinner with a cute girl? Smile forming on my lips, I was about to agree, but then the devil's spawn herself decided to appear.

"There you are," Jackie said, looking to me, either oblivious to my annoyance or choosing to ignore it.

"Didn't take long," Olivia mumbled to herself, but I heard it. Clearing her throat, she said to me, "I'm gonna guess you're busy tonight?"

"Oh, there's an after game party," Jackie answered for me, making me clench my jaw. "Kind of a tradition."

Olivia forced a smile. "Right."

"I never go anyway," I said quickly, earning her attention, and receiving a glare from Jackie who I so desperately wished would leave. "I can–"

"The others are asking if you'll go tonight actually," Jackie interrupted, flashing a sickly sweet smile at me.

If looks could kill, she'd be toast right now. Who the hell did she think she was to step in right now? She'd shown me how she felt – she didn't have a right to do this.

"Never mind," Olivia said, already backing up. "Enjoy."

Losing my glare, I looked to Olivia, ready to apologise, but she'd already walked off to join her friends and I knew I'd only make it worse.

"Huh, I was right," Jackie mumbled to herself, which reminded me she was still standing there and very much the reason Olivia hated me now.

"What the hell d'you do that for?!" I shouted at her.

She raised her brows, feigning confusion. "Do what?"

I clenched my fists with frustration. "No! You don't just get to do that!"

She shook her head. "What?"

I scowled, looking between her eyes with annoyance. "Care. You led me on. Used me as– I don't even know what! Some sort of rebound? An experiment? Either way, it was horrible, and now you don't get to just come in and stop me from accepting dates. You're nothing to me, Jackie."

As I spoke, she began to frown, only serving to piss me off further. How could she act like the victim right now? I was the one who'd been played!

"I didn't use you," she said weakly, but I could only step back and fix her with a glare.

"Leave me alone," I warned her once more, not bothering to stay behind to see what she'd say.

The weekend passed and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking of Jackie the whole time. I wished I'd never found her crying after her breakup with Jeff because then I wouldn't have felt the need to check on her and she wouldn't have felt the need to be my friend. My life was a whole lot easier when she wasn't in it, and yet I still couldn't stop thinking of her. She was bad for me, so why did I still care about her?

I hadn't seen her since the game on Friday night, and despite the fact that she'd literally humiliated me, I still felt guilty for shouting at her. I wasn't someone who got angry easily, but truthfully, it wasn't anger. My heart hurt and who else to take it out on than the girl who broke it?

It was foolish of me to even feel that way, since we weren't anything. She'd never said she cared about me as more than a friend, she hadn't really done anything out of the ordinary except kiss me, which had clearly been a mistake. Her flirtatious behaviour was just typical Jackie. I knew what I was getting myself into. I guess this whole thing was my fault in a way.

Trying to take my mind off it, I stayed back after school to start putting my end of year portfolio together for photography class. I was grateful that nobody else was here, needing the quiet to simply get lost in my school work and nothing else.

I was considering some photographs on the desk when the sound of the door opening startled me. Nobody was supposed to be here, but when I turned around, my surprise faded into irritation at the sight of Jackie.

"Okay, seriously, do you need me to sing it you?" I asked with disbelief. "Write it down? Get a fucking sky writer?! Leave me alone, Jackie!"

"Wait," she said quickly, closing the door behind her and letting herself in, making me groan. "Please, I just– I have something to say."

I rolled my eyes, looking back to my photos with hopes she'd get the hint. "What? You finally figure your shit out?"

It was sarcastic, so I definitely didn't expect her to say, "Yeah. I broke up with Jeff."

My brows knitted together with confusion when I looked to her again. "You what?"

She licked her lips, grateful for the relief in tension. "After the game on Friday. I ended it."

I was certainly shocked to hear that she'd done that, but I wasn't about to give her the satisfaction. Crossing my arms, I tried to appear indifferent. "So what?"

She exhaled softly, steadily approaching me until she was stood right in front of me. Her hazel eyes, looking brown as they met mine, held my gaze with determination.

"You weren't an experiment," she said guiltily. "You weren't a rebound either. I never meant to hurt you, Y/N."

I frowned, eyes flickering between hers. Both my frustration and distress were building up because she seemed to be telling the truth, and it wasn't fair. She still did it. She broke my heart.

"Then what?" I asked, hands trembling. "How else can it seem when you–" I paused, glancing at the classroom door which was closed. Still, I lowered my voice for her sake. "When you kissed me – which, by the way, you initiated – then, before I can even discuss it with you, you get back together with your boyfriend? How?!"

She frowned, shaking her head as she looked down to her hands. "It was horrible, I know. You have to know how much I regret it."

"Gee, thanks," I said bitterly, and she was quick to look up again, worried.

"Wait, no, that's not what I meant," she explained. "I regret getting back together with Jeff, not kissing you. I– I liked that a lot." She was unusually nervous, swallowing visibly. "I like you."

My heart was confused as I studied her expression, seeing nothing but honesty.

"I should've said something," she admitted. "I didn't know that I'd fall for you, Y/N. I've never even liked a girl. Especially not one who's so sure of herself."

I scoffed, meeting her confused look with a knowing one. "Seriously? You're Jackie fucking Taylor, the most confident girl in school."

"Not always," she said with a wince. "Clearly."

I watched her, struggling to accept what she was saying.

"I understand if you hate me," she said, straightening up and meeting my gaze with a solemn one. "And I'll truly leave you alone, as you wish. Just say the word."

I pressed my lips together, seeing the serious expression on her face. I couldn't just say the word, because no matter how hard I'd tried to hate her, I just couldn't. All I'd really wanted was for her to like me, too.

She stood patiently, probably would have stood there for the rest of the day, waiting for me to speak. And I hated it because she'd hurt me deeply, but now I understood why. And even after everything, I still wanted her.

"Y/N?"

For once, I stopped overthinking and just kissed her, eyes closing when my lips met hers. She breathed out and lifted her hand to rest on my neck, pulling me closer and sending shivers down my spine at the contact. It was desperate, I was aware, but I couldn't get enough of her taste, her floral scent reminding me of last time, the adrenaline rush.

Without meaning to, her back hit her the desk behind her, but other than a brief readjustment, we continued to make out, my head spinning with thoughts of how good she felt so close to me. Stupid pretty girls and their stupid pretty faces.

We pulled apart for air, but I didn't let go of her just yet. My heart was thumping in my chest as I caught my breath, lips tingling as they craved for hers yet again.

"I really like you too," I said without thinking, eyes flickering to hers. "That's why it stung when you did what you did. Why I was so angry."

She nodded slowly in understanding. "I'm sorry."

I sighed, closing my eyes as I tried to collect my thoughts, but it was pretty damn difficult when she was still invading every sense of mine and I welcomed it.

"I don't know how I can trust you," I admitted, opening my eyes and being met with her determined expression.

"You can," she promised.

"What if you decide you don't want this anymore?" I asked, not wanting to doubt her feelings, but not prepared to start something that could end in heartbreak. "What if you think you've made a mistake? Start to miss Jeff? Then what, Jackie?"

"That won't happen," she said with certainty, thumb stroking my cheek.

"But it could."

She frowned, eyes boring into mine as if trying to make me understand. Finally, she said, "I'll spend forever proving you wrong."

I got lost in her eyes, so full of conviction that I had no choice but to believe her. Maybe some things were worth the risk. She certainly was.

"I'd love to see that," I said after a moment, an attempt at a joke.

She paused, trying to digest my words, and then she cracked a small smile.

"I forgive you," I told her. "I know how hard it can be to admit your feelings to yourself, especially for the first time."

She was hopeful, and I was suddenly overcome with an excitement because Jackie Taylor was stood in my arms, telling me she liked me, and I wasn't dreaming.

"Can I kiss you?" she asked, making me smile.

A simple nod and then she captured my bottom lip between hers, making the butterflies in my stomach flutter a storm. Unlike before, this kiss was slower than the others, more considerate, and I knew then and there that I'd never get sick of her lips.

She pulled away after leaving me breathless, her eyes half lidded when they looked from my lips to my eyes. "How was that for proving you wrong?"

I let out a breathy chuckle, admittedly a little flustered. "It's a start."

A smug smile appeared on her lips and then she was kissing me again, laughing as she did.

Lil bonus scene:

This was the least peppiest pep rally I'd ever been to, producing the worst photos I could take because everybody looked bored. As the principal made a speech about how 'good' the baseball team were doing this year, I snapped a few photos but ultimately sat bored in the front row. Everybody was much more excited for the star of the show – the Yellowjackets.

And after what felt like forever, the school band began to play their instruments and the soccer team began making their way in. Like a switch had been flipped, all the students in the bleachers stood up, cheering and applauding and celebrating their favourite sports team.

A much better subject, I began to photograph the crowd, all dressed in the bright yellow and blue school colours, waving signs and beaming with painted faces. And then my focus shifted to the team themselves, who were lining up before the crowd, grins on their faces. Despite the principal trying to calm everyone down so he could make his speech about how great they were doing, nobody would listen, still cheering on the team.

As I was snapping photos of them all, Jackie caught my eye and a playful smirk was on her lips when she winked at me. Even after the month we'd been together so far, she still left me nervous sometimes, thought I'd accepted that was what came with dating someone as self-assured as Jackie Taylor. We hadn't broadcasted our relationship by any means, but students at school weren't stupid and they were beginning to put it together. I didn't mind though, and I hoped she didn't either.

Finally, the principal managed to quieten everyone down long enough to make a speech worth listening to, expressing his pride in the Yellowjackets and wishing them luck as they prepared for the game tomorrow which would determine whether they'd make it to nationals.

After he finished, the band played them out, along with the audience's cheering, and then everybody began to leave. I was one of the last few to go, making my way out of the sports hall, only to be pulled to the side suddenly, realising Jackie had been waiting for me.

"Someone took their time," she said impatiently, crossing her arms, now wearing her varsity jacket over her soccer uniform.

"Someone was doing their job," I reminded her with a smile, wiggling my camera in the air.

At this, she quirked a brow. "You got my good side, right?"

I laughed. "Jackie Taylor doesn't have a bad side. She knows it too."

She began to smile, flicking her hair in agreement, and I rolled my eyes playfully.

"You look cute with your face paint on," I told her, referring to the little yellow jacket painted on her cheek.

"It's called school pride," she said, before giving me a disapproving look. "You didn't dress up."

"Again, I was busy photographing everything," I said, raising my camera for emphasis.

"Well, we can't have that," she said, tutting, and then she pulled off her varsity jacket and attempted to wrap it around me, but I stopped her.

"Wait," I said, realising what she was doing.

"What?"

I stared at her knowingly. "It's your jacket."

"Duh."

"Yeah," I agreed in a matter-of-fact tone, "but–"

"I'm giving it to you," she said simply, confused when I wouldn't put my arms in it as she held it open.

"You can't," I said, wondering if she was playing dumb or what.

She furrowed her brows. "What? Why?"

I amended my comment, "I mean, yeah, you can, but you know that people will put two and two together, right? You give me that and it'll be, like, an actual confirmation to everyone that we're dating."

Still, she wasn't following as she stared with raised brows. "Okay? And...?"

Now it was my turn to be confused. "You don't mind?"

Finally catching on to why I was questioning her, she relaxed and lowered the jacket momentarily. "That's sweet of you to ask, but no, I don't mind." She paused, before glancing at me worriedly. "Wait, do you?"

I sighed, before an amused smile formed on my lips. "No, I don't. I just didn't want you to feel like you had to."

Her expression softened, smile appearing on her lips and matching the sparkle in her eyes. "I want to. Now, come here."

This time, I let her help me into her jacket, immediately engulfed in her scent and warmth and not minding in the slightest. She stepped back, admiring her handiwork, eyes looking me up and down for several seconds too long and leaving me with a warm face.

"I should've given you this sooner," she said, impressed, and I rolled my eyes at her pride.

She chuckled before pulling me in for a quick kiss, and then we walked hand in hand down the hallway.

"You know that this means you have to be my number one fan now, right?" she asked, giving me a sideways glance.

I tried not to laugh as I said, "But I already supported the team–"

"No, not the team's fan," she cut me off nonchalantly, "mine. Me. Player number nine."

At her dead serious expression, I began to chuckle quietly. "Nine. My new favourite number, darling."

A smile crept on her lips. "Good."

[polyamorousmood]

hey! I hope this isn't too non-traditional of a poly situation to be sending in, but this is the only place I think I'll be able to get good advice. As a pre-ask thing, to be clear, my best friend is the love of my life, I am aroace, we're very happily in love.

So, a while ago, we were dating, and it ended pretty quickly bc he came out as aroace. I asked him a lot whether or not that was the full reason he broke up with me and he insisted that it was and if it was going to be anyone it would have been me. I figured out that I was also aroace a couple months later. Recently (about a year after we first met and started dating) he got a boyfriend. I already set a firm boundary of no talking to me about his boyfriend bc it made me have a paranoid breakdown once and I don't want to do that to him, but even just the knowledge of him existing is pissing me off so much. I can't ask him to break up with him because I would never do thst to him and I love him more than anything even if this situation is hurting me like this, but I did recently ask him how the relationship was going with him being aroace, and he said that he isn't really aroace and he just wasn't ready for a relationship with me and thinking about that makes me want to cry. I don't want something romantic with him, I'm very much aroace and very sex and sensuality repulsed, I just hate that this random guy who I don't even know and never will (I don't want to bc I know I'd end up being a dick to him if I did meet him) is somehow more important to him than me, even if he insists thst isn't how it is. Since the situation isn't changing, I really need help with dealing with the jealousy. I've tried a ton of stuff and every single time I think about him I still want to kill him. I really don't know what to do, and my therapist isn't being particularly helpful (she isn't poly tho so she doesn't have experience with weird situations)

Hi. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this.

I'm curious how "he got a boyfriend" went down, and why you didn't bring up your concerns about his honestly to him when he was initially talking to you about it. Or if you did, why it still... doesn't seem resolved😬.

Not to put emotions in your mouth, but it sounds like a large proportion (though certainly not all) of your issue here stems from you feeling lied to about the breakup. This would damage anyone's trust and faith in the relationship, and I think having a formal talk about why he handled it the way he did and if that will continue in your refigured relationship will really help you. Maybe he didn't lie, maybe he was genuinely confused (for example, "if I can't make a relationship work with this person I feel a deep connection with, I must be aroace!" [one year later] "yo wtf I wanna fuck this other person?")! I think you should acknowledge -- with him, if possible -- that hurt. You feel like you want to cry? So cry. Giving the feeling full expression makes it easier to work through (and the only way out is through, darling).

Be prepared to explain why it hurts so much. The betrayal, your assumption that since he was aroace y'all were on the same page and he'd functionally be your life partner, or whatever the fuck.

Aside from the advice in this post (please read it in full📖, it is all applicable here), you have a LOT of legwork🦵 to do in unpacking and deconstructing your feelings. I think this worksheet outlines how to do that well (though, you know, tweak the wording in your head, because its aimed at a more traditional romance). If done right, it will be difficult and time consuming⌛. I recommend working through the worksheet slowly, in at least two separate sessions an hour or longer each. 'Cause shit takes time to sink in. In fact, you will have to remind yourself of the things you learn doing it for weeks to come, if not longer, so don't be afraid to revisit it! There is no shortcut, but I hope you and your best friend can be on the same page and you can have support while you navigate it.

Remember, the boyfriend didn't do anything wrong. He cares about this guy you care about. Try to see him as an extra support for him, rather than competition.

Good luck out there, space cowboy. There is hope 💛 <- its a yellow heart for friendship, get it?

[dokidokiliteraturegirls]

Progress Update: September 2024

Hello everyone! Yui Wrong here, to give you an update regarding the progress that's been made towards bringing Feel Less back from hiatus 💖

So! Soon it'll be 2 months since Feel Less went on hiatus. And on the one hand that kinda pisses me off bc I really really like publishing this webcomic and not doing it feels like I'm missing something important from my life 😭 on the other hand, I'm satisfied with the progress that's been made! Development of updates #37 and #38 has been steady, so I don't feel like I've wasted time. However, although I've been consistently making progress towards Feel Less's return, I feel like there's been some radio silence here in the blog, so I wanted to give you all an update about how things have been going ^^

For starters, lemme start with what I've been doing. Before doing any illustrations for the new updates, I decided to take a small break to practice my art style, as I was really unsatisfied with how my drawings were coming out. I focused on head shapes, as those felt inconsistent in my art. Here's a couple doodles I did in August for practice

I want to keep practicing, but I decided figuring out a consistent head shape was enough for now and got to work on the updates. And I'm glad I did! I do believe there's been some noticeable improvement in some pieces~ Like for example, take this old MG illustration compared to a WIP for update #38

I like both, but I'm especially happy with the 2nd one~

After practicing for a couple of weeks I went straight into planning out the next updates and got to work on the artwork. And the result was that... 29 illustrations in total would be needed for updates #37 and #38!!

That's. Too many. So while drawing I've also been cutting the plan down and deleting some superfluous panels. After trimming the excess, I ended up with a much more realistic... 27 panels!! There, now that's doable 🥰

I jest of course, but my point is that a lot of work needs to be done and I've been consistently going at it for the past 2 months. As of now, 9 of the illustrations have been fully completed. I also have 2 WIPS I'm currently working on, so that number will go up soon.

Does this mean it'll take 4 more months to get this done? Of course not! ...hopefully. Listen, I make no promises, but I'll try not to take too long. I value your time and am really grateful for your patience. Besides, I don't want people getting bored because I took too long to return from a cliffhanger. I'm not Andrew Hussie. My full time job and real life chores usually mean that I only have about an hour a day to work on art, but I have a couple plans to make production faster, such as cutting down some more planned panels and buying a keyboard that doesn't make noise. Why would a keyboard's noise be relevant? Well, it's not. I mean, I guess if I had that, I'd be able to draw while taking calls from work without my bosses noticing, as it wouldnt be picked my the microphone, and that'd give me an extra 10 hours a day to draw. But I won't do that, because that'd be irresponsible and unprofessional. So therefore, the keyboard is irrelevant. Forget I mentioned it.

Also, a point I imagine some people might be wondering: Why make it so long anyway? There's no one forcing me to have complicated scenes or almost 30 illustrations. It's my webcomic, I can do whatever I want. And taking a long break where I'm not even on break might sound like a dumb idea. However, for me, Feel Less is not just a webcomic I publish on my free time. I'd like it to be a showcase of the very best I can do at the point in time when an update is posted. From that perspective, it'd be dumb not to put effort into it. To compromise the quality of my works for the sake of following a schedule has never been something I've been a fan of. Now, I do want to be realistic, but also I don't want to feel like I'm giving up and just putting out whatever I can finish by my imaginary deadline. It's a delicate balance, but for these two updates in specific, I think quality should take precedence for a bit. My goal is for you guys to read them and go "oh, no wonder it took a while". At least for those 2, then we can go back to schedule.

Overall, my point is: progress is being made! It's currently all being done behind closed doors, so it might not be noticeable for you guys. But I promise, I haven't been twiddling my thumbs for these past 2 months! Maybe I should've, because my hands are quite cramped tbh. But no matter, art must be made! In the meantime, I'll leave you with a couple panels I've finished so you guys can see some of the work that's been done~

I'll continue updating you guys as time goes on~ If you want consistent updates, I've been dropping the number of finished panels on the discord server every time I'm done with one! Also, if you'd like to help me get to the point where I can work only 5 hours a day and put more time into the comic, you can support me on Patreon and get some goodies and custom drawings while you're there ^^

Thank you all once again for your patience, I'll keep working hard for you all 💖

[maguneedsalife]

documenting last night's day 1 dungeon experience for posterity.

this was a first for me

tl;dr i got matched with some of the least competent players ive ever been in a party with and we got down to 8 minutes on the instance clock before we accepted it wasn't happening

(post contains dungeon spoilers under the cut)

(first of all, if any of the people who were in my party are reading this: im not mad at you, and i am not posting this to be mean spirited about the adventure we had. you guys kept a good attitude throughout the hour and a half we were in there and there's a lot to be said for that. but i also hope this was a learning experience for you, from a gameplay perspective.)

queued in for the new dungeon as a white mage. the other people in my party were a pld, sam, and brd. the pld stood around for a while before starting the first pull, then stayed put and didn't go for a double. After 2 single pulls I told him he could go bigger if he wanted, and he replied that he never wants to assume. (very kind of him).

I notice fairly quickly, as we pick up the second set of packs, that something is off. damage is going very, very slowly. I notice the tank seems to be using his single target rotation. I'm not hearing the sounds of bard or samurai aoe moves either. Me and my Holy casts are the only ones hitting multiple enemies.

To reiterate. this is the newest max level dungeon. unless they level skipped, these are presumably not new players.

We get to the first boss. The samurai struggles with the speed of its aoes. The boss summons adds: it's going to charge them up, and we have to kill them before they finish charging. We do not. the ones we miss explode and we wipe. Luckily, now that we've figured out what it wanted us to do, we manage to kill the adds in time and beat the boss on the 2nd try. Onward and upward.

Paladin resumes single pulling. The homies are still not aoe-ing. By this time I've determined that the three of them seem to be friends by the way they banter back and forth. I notice that I have consistently been second in aggro. the samurai has been last. Ian glances over my shoulder and remarks, "Why does that samurai have less health than you?"

the second boss has a mechanic with fast-moving aoes that you have to dodge. every time he does the mechanic again, the aoes get faster. in normal circumstances you'd probably only see it two or three times, maybe not enough to notice the aoes are getting faster. We saw it quite a few times. the aoes got very fast. This boss also has temporary misdirection, which was for sure the cause of our wipe here. we managed to get through on the second try.

between the 2nd and 3rd bosses the bard starts having connection issues and has to restart, so we wait for her to come back. on the way to the final boss the tank has trouble avoiding aoes and dies to mobs, and then i die to mobs after raising him bc im still second in aggro.

eventually we made it to the final boss. "how bad could it be, it's just one bunny?"

we proceeded to wipe to this boss 7 times. part of the issue was that our damage output was so low that the boss was exhausting its earlier mechanics and then looping the ones that were supposed to be its big scary finale - starting around 60% health. it creates an open pit and you're supposed to run around the edges to avoid falling in the hole, dodging various mechanics. we all fell in the hole at least once. anytime i died it was an instant wipe bc there was no way the rest of the party could sustain through the end of the fight by themselves.

the minutes dragged on. we got the "30 minutes left to complete' warning and kept on fighting. we began getting tilted and making more mistakes, wiping on earlier mechanics we'd previously done fine with. our positive "we'll get him this time!" attitude quickly turned into "oh i hate this guy."

with 8 minutes left on the instance clock - nearly an hour and a half of elapsed time since the start of the dungeon - it finally sunk in that despite our best ("best") efforts, this wasn't happening. i bade my comrades farewell and voted to abandon. they accepted. i was free at last. i decided not to blacklist them because they were good sports, and also because to my knowledge blacklisting doesn't prevent you from being matched with the person again, which is the functionality i actually need from it in this instance

anyway after that harrowing experience i recruited ian and some friends to help guarantee i could progress msq. we were in and out of that same dungeon in 20 minutes. watching bosses that my previous group had struggled mightily with go down within a few minutes felt so good

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Hello! I have come asking for you to info-dump about the the modern human au. I full of brain rot of them (especially after the last thing you posted about them, damn) Maybe you can tell us a bit more Sally!!

lucky for you, i've been full of that good ol brainrot As Well! thoughts! feelings! ideas! i got em!

so since we're already on the subject of the Crash Arc, allow me to expand on it for a moment before i get to Sally Thinkings! if you've read the snippet, you may have noticed the extent of Wally's injuries was not listed yet. well! he got messed up with a capital F! since it's fiction and i'm god in this scenario, i'm veering slightly away from realistic damage, immediate & lasting. bc lets be real. if i stuck to "this is as realistic as i can make it", then Wally would be aaaaaabsolutely fucked. it was a bad crash in a very unsafe vehicle at high speeds. like - this is what happened. a drunk driver hit Home going 70 down the freeway. swerve, fishtail, tumble down a (small, shallow, really its more like a glorified ditch) ravine with trees and rocks and shit on it. absolute miracle that Wally didn't die in the crash, let alone during the solid half hour (slightly longer) he was trapped in Home before someone noticed the crash site and called emergency personnel. Wally "hanging up" on Barnaby was actually the impact jarring him so he slipped and hit the end call button. but yeah without going into technicalities and detail, Wally has some lasting damage in his dominant hand. It takes extensive physical therapy for him to be able to paint/draw again at the same level he had been at. the hematoma hadn't done a lot of brain damage that wouldn't resolve itself with time. in my mind, when Wally wakes up in the hospital, for a few days he's very confused and his memory is shot. he'll wake up, interact, then go to sleep, but when he wakes up again its like waking up for the first time again. he just can't retain memories for a bit. he's got some severe brain fog. his mood is also kinda fucked with - he's uncharacteristically irritable with low patience, etc. these are all things that clear up with time, but in my mind Wally has chronic migraines going forward. bad ones! and there are days where it's harder fr him to concentrate. and yk. a teeny bit of chronic pain where his shin bone was pinned back together and where his hand was essentially crushed. but other than that he's fine going forward! good days and bad days!

but enough about that! You Want To Hear About Sally!

i imagine that she becomes quite successful in the theater industry. i'm not too familiar with it myself, so i'm gonna be uh. Vague about it? but she starts her own theater troupe - it's a bit of a commute from home base to the town she works in, where the theater is located in, but she makes it work! of the group, she's probably away more than any of them. working on shows, traveling to work on other ones - i like to think she's been on Broadway! she probably has had opportunities to do tv/movie acting, but idk... i feel like Sally would be like "nah. live shows or nothing". maybe at some point she takes up voice acting gigs, as long as she can do them from home. she probably has her own little room-turned-VA-studio thing. idk how that works either! it seems right! but yes Howdy's store's automated messages and advertisements are in Sally's voice. she's probably picked up a temporarily modeling gig here and there.

so Sally is very very busy. Poppy is supportive. everyone is, and they all love to help out when they can - and reel Sally in when the "stardom" starts to get to her head. they do their best to acclimate to occasionally getting jumpscared by her voice in a grocery store or in. idk. fashion shoots. victoria's secret billboards. that last one was a joke! maybe. i think she would.

i also like to imagine Sally like... getting some sort of award and then spending a solid five minutes naming her friends, thanking them with specificity, and then plugging their own stuff. they probably have a rotation for who accompanies her as her plus one for events and parties she may or may not be invited to. she's not like... a Big celebrity but! she's Known and Liked! she has Connections! i like to imagine her and Wally looking dapper as fuck at a Venue...

so the friend group typically stays together, with Sally going off to do her Things the most. she makes sure to schedule time to be with her friends and girlfriend/wife/Poppy between work and gigs and etc. she somehow finds a balance with Ease. or apparent ease... someone get this girl a vacation...

[dvrtrblhr]

I have anxiety and have been dealing with it for as long as I can remember, although I will note how anxiety works varies for each person, as do ways to cope with it, so what works for me might not work for you. But in general when I'm going through a really bad phase of anxiety I fall back to a few different methods to try and reel my brain's responses to it back in.

First, I try to figure out the root of the anxiety (i.e. upcoming doctor's appointments, applications, stuff at work, family stuff, etc.), and then I run myself through a mental flowchart of yes/no questions such as: Have I eaten recently? If yes, move on to next question, if no, go get a snack. When did I last drink water? Dehydration can exacerbate anxiety, so it's always good to go get some water. Is [thing that is causing the anxiety] something I can do something about right now? If yes, then I go on to ask, "What needs to be done to resolve the issue and what are the exact steps I need to take to get that done?" If no, the thing causing my anxiety is not something present me can deal with, then I tell myself there's logically no reason to be wasting energy stressing over future me's problems or over problems that I have no ability to change, and I will deal with what I need to deal with when the time comes.

Whether the underlying cause of my anxiety is something only future me can deal with, or if it's something that is simply out of my control in general (i.e. general state of the world, possibility that the company I work for might go under, etc.), I know I'll still be anxious about it bc that's how my brain's wired, for better or worse, so to ease the anxiety I start coming up with step-by-step plans. For example, if my company goes under and I lose my job (something out of my control), then what are the steps I need to take afterwards? I start coming up with plans based on my knowledge.

(i.e. Plan A) If I cannot find a new job before getting fired, I should try to secure whatever documents I need to apply for and collect unemployment so that I still have some income while I search for a new job. Plan B) If I am given enough notice ahead of time to search for new jobs, or after applying the steps of Plan A, I already have a list of local businesses that I've seen hiring banners/signs for, and a list of various jobs offered around my state which I can then start applying for. I have this list of jobs ready bc I have been actively keeping an eye out for new jobs ever since my hours got cut, which is also a type of "planning to deal with an issue" except it's more of a preplanning thing I do to keep my anxiety in check in general).

Basically, for most things that cause me anxiety I spend a lot of time trying to think up potential solutions or workarounds and exactly how to implement those solutions/workarounds. These plans of mine do not always pan out, and sometimes I've had an issue surface that I simply do not have a plan for, but having multiple plans already thought of puts my general anxiety at east, and because I spend so much time coming up with plans for what-ifs, I'm usually observant and adaptable enough to find a solution to unexpected problems bc I have slowly built up analytical problem-solving skills over the course of my life through these planning mental exercises.

Both for figuring out the underlying cause of my anxiety flare up, and for drafting plans, I have to talk myself through my anxiety and really turn it over in my head a lot. Sometimes I try to imagine explaining why I am anxious to someone else, and the dialogue in my head helps me sort out the facts, but sometimes it's more like going through a checklist (have I eaten recently? when did I last drink water? am I having any physical issues like IBS that might be setting off my body's warning system? how much sleep did I get last night? etc.) and going over facts (lots of rumors at work lately, seen some weird posts online recently, haven't talked with friends in a hot minute, etc.). And sometimes the process of talking things out w/ myself will help me calm down.

Unfortunately sometimes no matter how many backup plans I have or how much I understand the cause of my anxiety, an issue will sometimes still cause me a great deal of anxiety. In these cases there's a couple of things I can still do. One is to try and step back and figure out if my brain is going haywire (i.e. asking "Am I really in danger of [thing] right now?"), and if I can get that clarity I can tell myself, "Okay, the anxiety part of my brain is overreacting, I am not actually in danger but I can't turn off that part of my brain that thinks I am." Sometimes figuring out that my brain is overreacting is enough to help the more rational and logical parts of my brain take over so I can sort of ignore the anxiety part until it calms down.

Sometimes this doesn't work, so I have to figure out a way to trick my entire body out of the anxiety response (bc I end up holding a lot of tension in my muscles when I'm anxious, which is physically exhausting). In this case I have to do something to actually make my muscles relax, which will trick my brain into thinking the "threat" has passed and the anxiety will calm down. There's lots of different ways to do this, and what works to make a body relax varies a lot from person to person (physically intense activity or exercise, yoga/stretches, controlled breathing exercises, focusing on certain types of puzzles or games like sudoku or tetris, organizing or cleaning things, drinking herbal teas, etc). For me personally, if I cannot get my body to relax I'll have a cup of tulsi tea, which works as a muscle relaxant and helps me feel mellow, but herbal teas are really hit or miss (kava and chamomile teas are also often recommended for stress-relief, but kava tea is hard to find for me and chamomile tea gives me headaches; some teas do absolutely nothing for someone). So figuring out what will help you muscles relax the most will be a lot more individual, since again, everyone's bodies work differently, and different things interact w/ medications and stuff differently.

Ultimately there's not really a "right" or "wrong" way to deal with anxiety flare ups, and what works varies a lot from person to person, so you might have to experiment with different management and coping techniques to figure out what is going to trick your brain into not being anxious.

Don't feel like you have to respond to this, esp. if you don't feel like any of it applies to you, but I wish you luck with finding a good way to manage and alleviate your anxiety. It really sucks to deal with, but keep holding on, things will change and maybe even for the better.

thank you very much for sharing your processes with me! I found the mental workflow a very interesting aproach i might try. i am, usually, a weird mix of analytical and intuitive. when i'm anxious though, i feel like i can't rely on my intuition as my perspective is 'skewed' by anxiety. in times like these, i really need to rely on my analytical part more and create these sort of mental tools i can depend on, so i don't feel so lost.

i'm actually a pretty big planner nowadays (a tool i painstakingly developed to control my adhd as an adult) and, honestly, it's one of the things that keeps my anxiety in check. though sometimes things get out of control no matter what (sometimes the brain just decides to ignore all previous instructions and go wild). in times like these, i always find important to try out new things, new mental exercises, apps, teas etc. no tool is perfect so it's good to read what everyone does to calm down!

[puzzledmemories]

((hi. um. i disappeared for a couple weeks. i did not mean to disappear for a couple weeks.))

((i'm very sorry. the fatigue just was not letting up on me after i was sick. i've barely done anything outside of work, haven't touched my computer a whole ton, i've been helping train people at work, i've spent most of the time i disappeared resting, i was also super depressed for a good chunk of it, and really stressful things were happening at work and kinda still are which drains me. and now i feel super anxious coming back because i'm worried people are gonna be mad i disappeared, which i feel bad about. i've been trying to get myself to post back on here that i'm back and start being active again for about 24 hours.))

((the fog in my brain finally cleared up most of the way for me on Monday (the 23rd). I also had a lot to do on Monday, a lot of taking care of my physical health things. and i had a lot to do after work today, too. Which Has Improved My Mood and Given Me More Energy, but also wore me out. i feel like i finally have thoughts in my head again and can think and am capable of writing! but also it's 2 AM so i'm going to try to be back on tomorrow because i need to sleep soon.))

((i've seen that i have a lot in my inbox, and i know i had that magic anon with shark going... i'll continue threads with that if people are interested in it, and i'll "finish it out" the way i originally planned to. and if people wanna start new threads with that magic anon in the next few days i'm also good with that. i have other magic anons in my inbox but i'm not sure if i should be touching those right away or not. that's just my anxiety yelling at me.))

((i'll reply to threads i had ongoing too, but if anyone wants to drop any of them bc it's been a minute, that's totally fine, no one should be blamed for that and i won't be upset over it or anything. rp's all about fun and we should do the things that are fun and if something doesn't feel fun anymore then it's all good to move on to something else. i really really need to respond to dms too, because i've barely touched those, either. idk if i'll be able to poke on at work at all tomorrow but i really really want to respond to people.))

((my brain just kind of shut off and communication was really painful in the sense that being on my computer was. hard and bothering me. it's not so bad now.))

((i'm gonna commit to start being on here again tomorrow though, and really try hard to hold myself to it, i've missed everyone on here so much and i've thought about you all lots. sorry for long post, i felt it was warranted after kinda disappearing, though...i'm sorry about that, i just really wasn't well for a bit))

[actuallyadhd]

hiii. I'm 23F, at college. I've always done certain things and behaved certain ways that I've found some adhd related advice helpful or some experiences relatable, but lately it's been starting to pile up and i feel like i can't just ignore it bc i sense something is not quite "right". Even if I do well enough at life and stuff i still struggle a lot with yknow, focusing and doing things and it makes me more stressed etcetc. I texted my therapist, who I originally saw for another issue entirely and since I've been doing better for a while now our sessions are a lot more spread out, I explained a bit of what's happening rn (without ever mentioning adhd just saying I've been having issues), she says she doesn't think it's something organic but rather stress-related and that i should try to put reminders on my phone etc, bc it only seems to be affecting some aspects of my life and not all of them and just. idk there's not many more to my life than study/work, social and personal and it does affect that but idk. i also don't do great with strict organizational rules or planning bc historically I've always failed at following correctly and felt terrible about it afterwards, so i do very loose plans as to not burdening myself. idk I'm rambling i feel my brain is fried rn and i can't sit down and finish an assigment that's due in 6 hours hahhahaha lmao this is fine

Sent June 5, 2024

I hope you were able to look after that assignment. If not, contact your instructor right away and just say that you're feeling burned out and would appreciate an extension. They may or may not give it to you, but at least that way they know you care.

It sounds like you're definitely stressed out, and that makes sense. Even without ADHD symptoms, post-secondary is stressful!

It does sound like what you've been doing isn't really working anymore, so once you've gotten through this semester you can spend some time figuring out something different.

For now, it's the end of the term and you probably have exams to study for and assignments to complete, so let's get that sorted so you know what you need to do.

List all of your upcoming exams, with date and time.

List all of your outstanding assignments, with due dates.

Give each a score of 1-5 based on how hard it's going to be to study for/complete on time.

Sort your list by date and then by difficulty.

For exams, figure out how many days you have until your exam and then decide what you're going to study on each day. This might be a topic or it could just be a chapter in the text book.

For assignments, figure out what you need to do for each one (smallest steps you can think of) and how many days you have until they're due. Then give yourself a due date for each step of the assignment.

If you need help with any of this figuring out, write in again with more information, and I'll do what I can. We can also talk about new systems you could try.

Followers, do you have any advice for this Anon?

-J

[grxceful-ly]

Hello there! I hope you're doing good!

19, 21 and 29 for the Fanfic Writers Ask Game!

hii thank you so much for sending me an ask!! i hope you're doing really well yourself. you picked some good ones and this got kinda long, i'm sorry 🙇🏻‍♀️

19. Give us a small teaser from one of your WIPs.

i'm going to take this opportunity to say that something in me does not allow me to fulfill all the multichapter, long fics of my dreams so i mostly share oneshots. i wish i could be like "this is from my [insert title here] au from chapter 14!!" or something. but alas. anyway, this is from my wip sequel to the sabezra secret relationship i wrote a while back. it's almost done, i'm excited to share the full thing soon!

Maybe the Ezra Bridger who wasn’t in a relationship with Sabine wouldn’t have said that. Maybe he would’ve been a little giddy—like, wow! Sabine is actually touching me! And isn’t completely averse to it! Maybe he should have said something like that. Or just. . .smiled? Or hugged her back? Sabine still wasn’t letting go. His heart ached a little. He let his arms come around her loosely, his gaze stuck to the floor. “So. . .” he started. But nothing else came out. 

21. Have you ever deleted an entire scene after spending hours laboring over it? If so, why?

yes and no. i don't think i've ever had to delete an entire scene--usually i will spend a lot of time writing a scene or two and i hate it a little more than usual so i end up losing motivation for the entire project. this happens often. i don't like it.

however, sometimes i'll write a line i really like but in my heart i know it won't work for the overall goal of the paragraph or scene, so i have to delete it :( i mourn for like three minutes and then move on lol.

29. Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic. (If you don’t have either, just share a random fic idea you have that you don’t plan on getting to.)

goodness, the amount of star wars time travel fix-it fics i've written in my mind. that's kind of where they stay. but occasionally i jot down a scene that has a chokehold on me until it goes away. i was going to share an anakin one, but for some reason i can't find my doc with that in it :') so you get this scene from my vostress wip where asajj goes back in time. this is kind of a cheat bc i don't know if it'll NEVER be posted, but as of now too little of it is written to share much more than these snippets. also there's very little interest in a fic like this versus my usual stuff lol.

Her eyes softened. “It is more important to reject that power and preserve those things. Understand me, Vos. Truly. There is no power that can take away the pain you feel. No power that is worth it for a fleeting sense of victory.” She realized she'd put a hand to his chest, naturally drawn closer as she tried not to plead with him. This was it. If he should ever listen to her, let it be now.

and for a bonus, here's an 'asajj takes omega to meet quinlan' snippet that was just for fun and will never again see the light of day lol!

“Your jedi?” Omega asked, eyes lighting up, glancing from one of them to the other. Vos flashed a lopsided smile at Ventress. “I love when she calls me that,” he said in that smooth, unserious but oh-so-truthful voice of his. Ventress's eyes slid to him, then went up to the sky in feigned annoyance as her hand fell to her side and she swiveled to walk away. “Come on.” Unfortunately, Vos and Omega were making quick friends. He was the type to do so; always had been, and it seemed she, too, was eager to befriend anyone she set her sights on. A horrifying pair.

[memberment]

morning everyone

I wasn't gonna make an update post today bc I've been like

kinda debbie downer as fuck & I'm not feeling super yappy.

but I'm literally working on Knockin' On Heaven's Door (36) and Genesis is actually almost done.

Wish me luck at work may or may not update more later<3

(2:51) I'm giggling to myself over how significant 3's and 7's were to this story before I decided to include the seven seals of the apocalypse in it. I am currently writing the seven trumpets and

LOSING MY MIND.

(8:43) Y'ALL I'M BACK FROM WORK WITH TWO NEW FIC CONCEPTS (well, one new one, one might just be implemented into a more casual fic bc the idea itself is really funny but I need an actual plot for it.)

BUT ONE OF THEM REVOLVES AROUND HALLOWEEN SO WHEN I'M DONE ALL OF MY PROJECTS ARE GETTING PUSHED BACK BC THIS IS GONNA BE SOOOOOO FUN.

(also I'm done being sad for rn I gen thought I was gonna get fired today (not at all my fault btw) but I didn't! so yippie!<3)

(9:45) guys idk if this isn't reading as ominous because Im genuinely so desensitized to all things spooky and I've been working on this for like, days straight (again) or if it's not reading as ominous because it's not.

which makes me wanna scream bc that means I'm gonna have to wait A WHILE BEFORE I LET MYSELF ACTUALLY PROPERLY REREAD THIS LMAOOOO (this is actually so annoying)

(2:27) okay so I got distracted for like three hours on this Halloween project but then decided I didn't want to write it so I'm back on Genesis....

Guys...

I didn't know exactly how I wanted the exact end sequence to happen. Like I had a lot of ideas, some I kept.

BUT WHEN I FUCKING TELL YOU GUYS.

I was cursing myself bc I'm allowed to have creative freedom and I made Wendy and Brimmy close bc I just phoned it in idk and I got in to deep to change it but I was like wait no that's stupid why did I do that but then I was like no fuck it we ball Brimmy and Wendy duo it's fine (I genuinely love them ngl, I will be writing them again)

THAT WAS THE WORST THING I COULD'VE DONE BC IT JUST MADE THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS AT THE END THAT MUCH MORE FUCKING UPSETTING.

I don't know how to cope with this...

Oh also I'm writing 37 rn. We're at 113.5k.

I'm literally almost done. I actually feel sick LMFAOOOO

(2:38) It's not done but I just finished 37. I feel like I'm about to go into shock... I'm at 114k and IN SHOCKKKKK.

Like, I still gotta fill in a few flashbacks and finish up chapter 32, but WOW.

This is like, done. My life is ruined.

(7:05) guys pls tell me how I have just been like in giggle and kick my feet reading ff gear since I finished genesis bc I cant bear to reread and fully finish it tn

and my all of my playlists are cycling through

and Im just like reading this cute lil ff that is HEALING ME after all the shit I just put my cast through

and Baby Kia starts playing. Like my brother in christ it is 7 in the morning…

I am laughing so hard over this I had to sit up and restart one of my playlists bc I cant rn

no one needs to listen to BK at 7am

ANYWAYS after I go to bed (I lowk might stay up to finish reading this fic tho Im on 8/14 and I am NOTORIOUS for picking something up and not sleeping til I finish it if its under 100k (were not discussing this) and I am very invested) I might be MIA all day bc physics labs and my first exam are both due tm.

I probably wont be MIA all day bc I wanna start my halloween project (that all of like two people will prob find as funny as I do, and Im totally fucking fine with that bc I gencthink its so funny.)

OH AND ALSO I decided that this halloween project may be apart of the morning glory/dandelion verse but well get to that when we get there

[yellowloid]

my experience at am's show (accor arena, paris, first night - 09/05/2023)

SOOOOOOO since a lot of people have done this and i want to write down as many things as i can about the concert so that i don't forget them i've decided to make this post and keep in mind i'm writing this running on four hours of sleep and a cappuccino BUT i'm currently sitting in a very pretty parisian café, chilling and waiting for my train and it's all very aesthetic i feel like the main character of a chick-flick movie. also drowning in post-concert depression but that's another story

so now that we've set the mood let's get to the actual writing bc this post isn't gonna make itself and i still have ~five hours of waiting to do and a whole lot of things to say so let's go

(also disclaimer: this is gonna be very rambly i'm so sorry i'm just emotional)

• so we got to the arena at around 6:30pm bc we had assigned seats, and entrance was a whole lot less chaotic than i'd expected (which was good) +  basically the place was almost empty bc it was so early, it really only started to fill up later and it was REALLY full only by the time inhaler was halfway through their set

• can't say anything about inhaler bc i know exactly zero (0) of their songs but i think they were nice and i actually feel like diving into their music a bit now bc some songs were pretty good

• and then once inhaler was done it was showtime!!!!!!!! i felt like i could DIE!!!!!!!!

• the moment they went up on stage i felt literal butterflies......... i just couldn't believe they were real, in the flesh, like they're ACTUALLY real they exist they're REAL!!!!! and we were breathing the same air and i was just so fucking mindblown by that concept i was fr having a moment

• setlist was the usual, i didn't get cornerstone NOR perfect sense (some of my all time am favourites.......) and tbh i still haven't forgiven them (HIM) for that like wtf boys. wtf. i get why they would decide not to play perfect sense but why wouldn't they play cornerstone LITERALLY a fan favourite and a classic smh (jk i forgive them but only bc they're cute 😔)

• also i got star treatment sooooo i mean i can't really complain can i. absolute magical experience, that song

• another thing about the setlist: they kept playing little melodies in between songs and i kept getting FOOLED bc every time it felt like they were going to debut a new song (hello you......jet skis........) but no i was just clowning real hard

• fo example at some point they played this random melody and i was like wtf and then they did nothing with it and just played high so yeah they were being sooo silly and goofy (i wanted to bite them)

• also the crowd was so ???? idek how to describe it bc during some songs they were so hyped (not only the most popular ones from am or 505; they even did a mosh pit during pretty visitors which was......okay i guess not really a song to mosh to but you do you paris keep speaking your truth). but then they were so dead during the car songs.... some girls next to us literally used mirrorball and big ideas to fucking sit down and have a break and that was so offensive tbvfh. meanwhile i was there vibing and singing along to the angsty car tunes and i genuinely was like "why am i the only one that's popping my fucking pussy rn". literally this

• diwk and sculptures are THE most powerful songs ever like hearing them live is a cathartic experience fr. diwk bc of how iconic it is, sculptures bc it's just so unique and they're so fucking powerful my ass was literally shaking. sculptures as an opener after the "countdown" intro they do is just The Right Choice TM like it just makes so much sense. it was born to be an absolutely epic opener and we love to see that. and well, diwk is a classic for a reason. the whole arena lost their shit when they hit the first notes, the floor was TREMBLING it was crazy

• the arabella fuckup moment was still so !!!!!!!! when he screamed FUCK bc he messed up the lyrics i honestly didn't even realise it was a mistake at first lmao considering just a couple of days earlier there was the "but it just doesn't fucking matter" moment or whatever he said during that part (i think it was one of the german shows? or amsterdam? idk i don't remember sjfhwhs). the point is, sometimes he's just silly and changes random lyrics and it all happened so fast one could have easily believed it was on purpose nsjcnennc but that just tells you how good they are. if you're able to make even a mistake sound so good and iconic then you're just so !!!!!!!!! yknow.

• also i heard people saying he was annoyed, a bit like during one of the amsterdam gigs, mostly bc of the arabella fuckup. but that's?? so not true?? like yeah he sounded super frustrated during that bit and his yelled FUCK is proof and rewatching that moment i feel so bad for him i wanna give him a hug </3, but for the rest of the night he was in a normal mood. pretty chill if you ask me

• apart from THE star treatment moment....... someone already mentioned it here but YEAH after the song ended he just went and whispered "it's the star treatment............" with the lowest saddest most heartbroken voice and i swear i heard my heart crack and crumble in a million pieces

• (btw yes he once again opened star treatment with "i just wanted a jet ski for the moat")

• he also sounded a bit sad and lost in his own thoughts during the closing part of iwby which reminded me of the same moment at lowlands 2022 and yes my heart broke once again

• but for the rest he was in a pretty standard mood!!! not overly chatty (when is he ever jskfke), didn't interact with the crowd that much but that's routine. just your regular banter: "what a night" "what a wonderful/splendid [can't remember???] night" and then before either pretty visitors or dancefloor he introduced the song like "it's [name of the song]... get down......GET DOWN" and that was just sooooo silly. in case it wasn't clear i was foaming at the mouth the whole time

• then during dancefloor he went "dirty dancefloors and dreams of naughtiness....AAAAAAAA"

• also he didn't really interact with the others members apart from asking the crowd to give it up for matt (cute bffs <3) and then at some point (i think during body paint) him and jamie were doing their thing. scissoring with their guitars

• after he was done scissoring with jamie he also went and hopped on matt's platform and then went towards nick too but didn't do anything lmao. i was hoping for the usual hand-around-shoulder action but no. okay you do you king

• at some point either nick or jamie fucked up a note and it was so audible and he gave them one of his Iconic Glares TM IT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY

• btw he didn't speak that much french, i was expecting much more - i'd even say he spoke less french than he did at other french gigs over the years which ???? okay lmao. he just said basic stuff, yknow, the usual "bonsoir paris", "merci", and then at some point he said "incroyable" with, i must admit, a pretty good pronunciation. tbh it was so cute and yes my heart did a lil !!!!! yeah why do you ask

• also he sounded EXACTLY like he does in recordings and studio versions which is INSANE. he has such a wide vocal capacity and his voice is sososoSO powerful, at its best fr. he sounded so damn good and perfect and he's so fucking talented and i might sob bc who gave him the fucking right

• but at the same time i see why people were saying they thought his voice sounded a bit higher - he has moments when you can hear the "ghost" of his younger voice and it's honestly so cute

• but overall it's just crazy and remarkable how much he sounds like the studio versions. there's literally no difference. none at all. he's just THAT fucking good

• and the others too they were so !!!!! honorable mention to matt bc the way that man drums is absolutely mesmerising

• and then well..... can't really ignore the elephant in the room can we. they're all so insanely attractive it's not even funny they looked so good and alex was GLOWING. i was in awe. he has such a powerful aura - commanding and serious yet with a lightness and gentleness to him that you just can't help but stare at him the whole time. he's so charming and fascinating and ARGH literally breathtaking. hypnotising. never getting over him

• long story short when they finished he was sending big smiles and kisses at the whole crowd and the screaming and applause just kept going and going and and and. the whole concert went by so fast it was so intense and i couldn't believe it was already over

• i didn't want to go i didn't want to leave i never wanted to leave i wanted to stay there and do it all over again

• so now it's been two days since the show and hours since i started drafting this post.... and i'm already back home and i MISS THEM SO MUCH. i missed them from the very moment they disappeared backstage and the post-concert depression is so real i literally feel like i left a piece of my heart in paris. i miss them i miss HIM sososo much 💔

• i'm so sorry i'm being such a dramatic bitch but that's just who i am 😔✊️

• overall the whole experience felt like a fucking fever dream and i still can't believe it really happened. it was so magical and special and they were so perfect and ugh i just really fucking love them. i love them so much and i'm so grateful i got to see them and experience first-hand something so beautiful. i didn't sob during the show (tbh i thought i would) but i might do it now bc i'm feeling so nostalgic and emotional and </3 i'm a mess i love them so much there's nothing else i can say it's just That. simply that <3

i think i'll post some pics/videos but not many bc you can hear me screaming and singing my heart out + i was shaking + mostly it looks like i recorded using a potato so skckwjcej but yeah expect me to post something. idk what but definitely something

that's about it for now, but i'll try to add more things if i remember something else along the way!! 💖

[babysgarage]

i've vaguely gone 'it was bc of that damn phone' enough times lately that i kinda feel the need to elaborate

i'm mostly writing this down to help myself remember it but maybe someone else gains something useful from it. ok so a while back my then-therapist told me to try to go a full day without my phone, tv or music (and at the time i was literally at home all day doing nothing bc i didnt have mandatory classes so you can imagine) here's how it went

first of all, spending so much time in silence makes you realize how fucking long 5 minutes actually is and that singlehandedly cured me from being a 'i have an appointment at 4pm so i can't do shit all day' type of person

around a minute of silence in, my brain started playing random songs and soundbites on a loop

about 5-10 minutes in, all the tasks i've been avoiding or ignoring came into the forefront and suddenly i was strikingly aware of the areas that needed tidying up or dusting bc it was no longer just background visuals to me so i started automatically doing that shit without thinking like i was a sim being controlled when it usually takes me days/weeks to gather the willpower to do it

and when i don't immediately jump to doing tasks in the first 5 minutes i actually just feel my entire body become calmer and picking my phone back up feels like a literal strain on my brain and eyeballs

the most mindblowing thing that happened is that when i started going 'no screen no music' omv to my morning classes i actually managed to pay attention in class for the entire 2 hours instead of zoning out after 10 minutes like i've done for a literal decade before

i got my attention span back for reading too, but a bit of that might just be due to a lack of uni stress nowadays

it also made me kind of better at recognizing when i was actually using my phone like a dopamine slot machine instead of actually enjoying whatever i was scrolling thru which made it easier to go to whatever i was actually craving or to just put the damn thing down

so nowadays when i have a lot of tasks i'm ignoring i put my phone in a drawer and wait for myself to automatically start doing shit and tbh it usually works

sometimes i come up with solutions to problems ive been ignoring for literal years bc i don't have a stimulus to distract myself with as soon as the discomfort of thinking about that problem arises

unfortunately after about an hour or two i start craving the damn phone again and it feels like a thousand ants crawling inside your skull until i pick it up

* disclaimer: i haven't been officially diagnosed with adhd or executive dysfunction so idk how this approach would go for someone who is, i can say the effectiveness may slightly vary depending on which stage of new blorbo posting you might be at the moment. like there are times where i have no problem starting at the wall for an hour without moving bc i'm daydreams about fictional characters kissing but i have noticed that music does help prolong the daydreaming time so it still kinda works