#also i wish i could read longer than a couple of paragraphs

[celestialtrolls]

right now it's 8am and people aren't online

i've had bad brain the past couple of days so sorry if you are waiting on me i've been engaging in Distraction to Alleviate my Mental Darkness but it makes me bad at doing everything else

[fitgirlfemdom]

Small dick anon here. When I was 185lbs it measured 5 inches, but by the time I was 270 pounds it was only 4 inches with all the fat around it. I never used to have any complaints about my size but once I got bigger it changed. I would only occasionally slip out of someone before and was able to get a good amount of motion. By my biggest weight I had two sexual experiences. The first was with a longtime fwb who loved my dick I was around 260 and my partner likewise. With the extra weight it never stayed hard for as long, and I realized unless I was like totally hard I couldnt stay inside them at all. Theyd guide me in, I’d thrust my heavy overly sweaty body forward and when id motion back it would fall out. I ended up feeling so embarrassed after a few minutes of this that I took my half hard dick and just rubbed it against their clit using my hand and eventually I thrusting my shaft against them. In the end they came a couple times.

The next time I had sex I was even more out of shape at 273 and it was with a girl who was at least 270 herself. I tried fucking them missionary the same as the fwb but our stomachs were both so big. The same thing happened as before but I got hard enough to stay in. I literally couldnt actually thrust it forward it basically was just weight shifting without any friction. This only lasted a minute before she asked me to fuck her from behind. Her ass was huge and I barely got any friction, also had to rest my stomach on her ass to even get inside a little. She put her hands on the wall and rode my dick and that was the only way anything happened. Id never had it happen before but after about a minute i told her I was going to cum. I meant this to mean “slow down” but she started saying “cum for me baby” and pushed her ass into me harder. I came less than 10 seconds later drenched in sweat and completely out of breath. Id barely done anything. I felt so embarrassed I didnt even try fucking her again. She definitely didnt cum and she barely felt it at all.

I also had an online relationship where I showed her my dick and asked if she thought id be big enough to fuck her from behind or if id need a strap and she said “definitely a strap.” Apparently the first time i sent her a video of me touching myself it started with me being flaccid and between how fat my fupa was, you could only see the head and she thought i had a clit until i got harder. I’m 240 now so its still a small dick but i remember at my highest weight when i was flaccid even peeing had to be done sitting down because i didnt have enough length to aim and id have lean over to get the job done and then wipe up after like a girl. I wish I could have stayed that weight for longer, I really wanted to find a thin girl for the first time in my life just so I could see how disappointing I would be. Ive trained myself to cum in under a couple minutes and someday i hope I can get to be over 300 pounds so I can truly be pathetic. I was so close to buried penis syndrome I know with the right guidance and support I could get myself there and be a bit pathetic neutered fuck toy for someone to abuse and humiliate lol

AGHHHHH i've got a lot to say about this.

this reads like a fantasy scenario i'd post on here. the slow degradation of your sexual nature from average dude to sexual degenerate gets me going.

i've also heard from multiple pigs in my DMs that sex gets very difficult at the 270+ size, with cowgirl being the only suitable position. i can only imagine how difficult that would be if your female partner was also fat. honestly i'm having trouble understand how that would even work, but i digress. the girl's ass being so fat you couldn't even penetrate? honestly i feel bad for everyone in this situation. her riding you and making you cum in thirty seconds surprised me, as if i was in that situation, there's no way i'm letting a pig cum that quickly. omg i would've rode your face for an hour til you calmed your horny ass down

the last paragraph GOT ME. having such a small, covered dick that girls think you have a vulva is crazy. as a thin woman, i've never seen a dick that small in real life. i think the smallest dick of one of my partners was 4 inches, and it was so unsatisfying i swore off sex for the past year 😭 i can only imagine going out with a loser, giving him a chance, and getting home to seeing a one-inch nub between his legs. would you be able to penetrate anything with that? you'd probably have to just get oral for the rest of your life. i wonder how crazy it would feel to have a way smaller surface area, but the same amount of nerves, as an average sized cock. do you think you'd be sensitive? do you think you'd be able to have a vibrator on your little cockhead for more than a few minutes without shooting ropes? do you think if a pretty girl just sucked on your little cock for a few moments, you'd start moaning like a pathetic gooner? you'd want so bad to just fuck her like you used to be able to, but your dick just isn't good enough. you'll probably just end up humping her ass with your gut on her back while you cum down her thighs.

so helpless at sex that you'd just be reduced to sitting under your girl's desk, eating out her cunt while you jerk off your little nub between your fingers. eventually, you might get quite good at it. she might never even let you fuck her again, binding you up in a custom chastity cage because it's not like you can use it anyway.

aghhh thank you for this message small dick anon. i wish more of my inbox messages were like this

[duskandcobalt]

Everywhere, Everything: Chapter Six

Chapter Summary: Elain is cornered into making a decision on the future of their relationship when Graysen asks her a question.

Word Count: 4.4k

Missed the first five chapters? You can find the Masterlist for this fic here 🥰

A/N: Happy W(no longer)IP Wednesday!!

As always, thank you for all your lovely comments and messages about this fic and others... and also just in general. I'm always so blown away by how lovely this community can be and I appreciate all the support and your patience so much. It's been a busy couple months and I am so excited to finally be posting this chapter. It contains the very first paragraph that I ever wrote for this fic all the way back in October last year so it feels very surreal that it's finally going up!

I do want to give a tiny warning for a potential trigger in regards to Graysen's behaviour. It's just a tiny part but it may prove difficult for some readers so please be aware of that before you read. I hope you like this chapter, please let me know what you think and what you think may happen next!

ENJOY XX

Read on AO3

Elain’s ears were filled with the sounds of chatter, the clinking of champagne coupes, and the romantic crescendo of whatever modern song the violinist in the corner of the room had recomposed to better suit the energy of the function tonight. She fidgeted with the neckline of her dress in an attempt to cool herself down. The room was packed with people and despite the otherwise cool night, she could feel the first bead of sweat running down her back. 

They were at Graysen’s parents house for yet another Saturday night dinner party. This one was another lavish soirée with no real purpose that his mother had thrown together for the weekend. Much like every one of these events, Elain only found out that she’d need to dress up to the nines when Graysen informed her in the shower that morning, with his arms around her waist and his lips against her ear, that she’d need to look extra pretty tonight.

 Elain always felt out of place at these things. She felt underdressed and unprepared. She was constantly worried about how everything she said and did would be perceived by Graysen’s parents and their friends. 

She’d become an expert at flying under the radar at these events - had figured out quickly that blending into the wallpaper was more tolerable than attempting to blend in with the crowd. She’d given up on the latter after the first couple of these Saturday night parties where she worked out that no amount of socialising and smiling  would get the other attendees to look at her with any semblance of respect once they found out that she sold handmade soaps and herbal tonics for a living.

She couldn’t exactly rely on Graysen to be any sort of support at these things either, not when he was too busy schmoozing with some businessman or lawyer or doctor. He’d corner her every now and then, drape her on his arm in an attempt to show her off but Elain knew how to slip away. She knew to whisper in his ear that she needed the ladies room and she certainly knew how to take her time making her way back to him. What she didn’t know was how her partner couldn’t seem to tell, or perhaps didn’t seem to care, that his family didn’t respect her.

Elain had been wandering around all evening, entertaining herself by picking at the canapés and the drinks that were balanced on trays carried by wait staff dressed in head to toe black. She’d  just plucked another thin stemmed glass of red wine from a passing server when she felt the energy in the room completely shift.

 She heard the way conversations suddenly stopped, felt the way the air turned stagnant. Most of all, she somehow knew, without even having to check, that every single eye in the room was focused on her. 

Elain glanced up from her drink and found the nerve to turn and see what all the fuss was about but that singular second was all it took for her to wish that she’d simply minded her business.

She froze in an instant, completely and utterly paralysed at the sight in front of her. Graysen was balanced on one knee, looking up at her with his bright blue eyes and a small black velvet box cradled in his hand. 

She felt like she was going to be sick. Couldn’t stop her hands from trembling, couldn’t do anything to slow the frantic racing of her heart. Part of her hoped that this was a nightmare. She prayed that she’d wake up in the safety of her bedroom and that none of this would be real. 

It felt like the whole room had tilted, the wine she’d been knocking back suddenly hit her full force as she continued to stare down at him. Based on the immediate silence that had fallen around them and the look of despair that she’d somehow managed to spot on his mother’s face from where she’d suddenly appeared just behind her son, he hadn’t told anyone that he’d intended to do this tonight. 

Elain couldn’t hear anything over the rush of blood between her ears and she barely registered the way his lips shaped the question as he carefully opened the box to display what could only be described as the most ostentatious ring she’d ever seen in her life. It was gigantic and shiny and so out of place compared to all the other jewellery she owned. She tried to listen to what he was saying but Graysen’s words were overtaken by another memory she’d tucked away carefully in the very back of her mind that had chosen this particular moment to resurface.

… 

“You should marry a boy like that.” Her father had told her once, peering at her briefly over the top of the glasses perched low on his nose as he’d fiddled with whatever woodcarving held his attention that particular night. 

Elain had been sitting in the armchair across the fire from him, quietly cursing under her breath as she tried and failed to crochet a teddy bear for Feyre’s newborn baby.

“A boy like what?” She’d asked, setting down her hook and actually looking up at her father. It was so rare for him to comment on any of his daughter’s relationships - romantic or otherwise. 

“Like that Azriel boy that’s always trailing you around,” he'd muttered, once again focused on his project. “Nice kid… respectful. He’d be good for you.”

Elain had been flustered, suddenly warmer than she’d been just a minute before as she attempted to figure out how to respond. She was so taken aback by the conversation that she hadn’t even stopped to point out that her father loved to refer to Azriel as if he barely knew him. As if he hadn’t spent fifteen minutes engaging in quiet conversation with Azriel each and every time he walked in the door for the past seven or eight years. As if her father wasn’t one of the very few people to whom Azriel would offer anything more than a passing ‘hello.’.

“Az and I aren’t… we’re just…” she’d sighed. “He’s just a friend, Dad.” 

“Didn’t say he wasn’t,” her father had shrugged. “Just saying I’d be happy if you married a boy like him.” 

“Well I’m not looking to get married any time soon and certainly not to - wait, why are we even talking about this?” Elain questioned, cutting off her own sentence as she nervously fiddled with a knot in her skein of yarn. She’d been desperate to move on from the topic lest she be cursed to ponder her feelings for Azriel any more than she already had when she was left alone with her thoughts too long. 

“Feyre is married with a new baby, Nesta’s moved out and is getting married soon so you don’t see her as much. It’s a Friday night and you’re at home with your father, El.” His voice had taken on a serious tone. “You don’t think I haven’t noticed that you’re lonely? The only time I see you really smile anymore is when you’re with him.”

“That’s not true. I’m not lonely and I like spending time with you or by myself,” she’d said, unable to meet her dad’s eyes. How could she when she knew fully well that she was lying through her teeth?

“I’m just a little worried about you lately,” Mr. Archeron had continued. “I want you to be happy, I know Azriel makes you happy and I think, for whatever reason, that scares you. ”

Elain had blushed, biting her cheek. She had no idea how her usually clueless father had zeroed in on the two truths that she kept closest to her heart. She couldn’t work out how he’d managed to sense the feeling of relentless loneliness that followed her like a shadow as everyone around her found their people and their place in the world. She certainly hadn’t been able to figure out how he’d known that her feelings for Azriel often toed the line of just friends and how that feeling had amplified once she’d found herself spending more and more time alone with him.

“Azriel doesn’t… I don’t think he sees me like that.” 

There had been a million reasons running through her head. A million excuses for why she and Azriel wouldn’t work. Why they couldn’t be together. Why it would be an absolute disaster if they even tried. She’d never dared to voice them out loud, never even dared to admit that she felt like that towards him. 

Mr. Archeron had laughed - two quick short breaths that sounded a lot like disbelief. Elain had always loved her father’s laugh, but in that moment it had made her angry for a reason she hadn’t been able to nail down.

Elain had stared at him, mouth agape. “What?” 

“Elain, Azriel likes Nesta. He likes Feyre. But that boy loves you.” 

It was Elain’s turn to laugh as her father’s words landed. She’d clutched at her pendant and set aside her long forgotten project. 

“That’s ridiculous. That’s not true,” she’d said, standing up on embarrassingly shaky legs. “I’m going to bed. Goodnight, dad.” 

It hadn’t even been  close to the time she usually went to bed but Elain couldn’t sit and listen to that anymore. The idea of Azriel returning her feelings was preposterous. The idea that her father thought he was in love with her? Absolutely nauseating. 

“Give it a chance, El.” Her father had said softly as she made her way towards the stairs. “If he likes you and you like him, give him a chance. He’s good for you.” 

…

Her father’s words had haunted her all of that night until she forced them all the way into the back corner of her mind where she kept all the other similar feelings and thoughts she preferred to ignore. Suppressing the memory of that night had worked well and it had popped up only one time in the years since. When she’d been laying in bed with Azriel on one of the nights in the week after her father had passed - her tear streaked face in the crook of his neck, his hand rubbing soothing circles on the small of her back. 

His words came flying back into her mind now  as she looked down at the man on one knee in front of her. 

“I…” She forced herself to speak after almost a full minute of silence, her fathers words still blaring in her ears.

 He’s good for you. 

The only time I see you smile anymore is when you’re with him.

That boy loves you. 

How could she say yes to anyone else when there was only one person she’d ever truly wanted?

She needed to say something. Anything. She focused her eyes on Graysen, her face softening in the hopes of lessening the blow she was about to deal him. “Please don’t do this.”

His face fell at her whispered words, his lips pressing together into a straight line as he slowly stood up and squared his shoulders. She didn’t miss the flash of anger that passed over his face as he pocketed the ring, there and gone in a second before his usual cool demeanour settled into place. 

Graysen gave her a smile that didn’t come close to reaching his eyes as he placed a hand on the small of her back and Elain did her best not to flinch away from his touch. He led her out of the room, muttering an excuse to the rest of the guests - some small joke at her expense that he trusted would make light of the situation.  She tried to ignore the incessant buzz of hushed whispers as they passed by his friends and family. His mother’s relieved face was the last thing she saw before she stepped outside and took her first proper breath in what felt like minutes, relishing in the soothing feeling of the chill night air on her overheated skin. 

He didn’t say anything to her. Not as they walked towards his car, not as he drove her back home. She couldn’t bring herself to say anything either, too shocked from what he’d just done to form a coherent thought. It wasn’t until they were back in her apartment that he finally broke the unbearable silence between them.

“What the hell was that?” He didn’t bother to mask his anger anymore. It resurfaced clear as day, written in every harsh line of his face. He stood a foot away from her, one hand braced on the bannister of her stairs to block her from getting around him. 

“We’ve never even talked about this.” She shook her head, shakily running a hand through her hair. “We’ve never once discussed getting married.” 

She knew that he hardly listened. She was fully aware that in the year they’d been together, he’d rarely taken the time to ask her questions. Had never bothered to truly get to know her. She’d ignored it at the beginning, had kept him around because he’d been the distraction that she needed at the time and she’d been happy to go along with it as weeks turned to months. She was happy to play the part of the partner he so clearly desired.

He’d been nice enough that she’d thought that one day it would click. That maybe with enough time, she could trick herself into thinking that she was capable of loving someone other than the kind-eyed boy whom she’d silently pined over for the last decade. The only person she’d ever felt comfortable enough around to not have to pretend to be anyone other than herself. It wasn’t until she’d turned to see Graysen on one knee that she knew that she couldn’t do it, couldn’t pretend to love a man that didn’t even really know her. 

“I wasn’t aware that this was something we had to discuss, Elain.” Graysen replied. “You’ve just fucking embarrassed me in front of my family and friends.” 

Elain scoffed, just half of a clipped laugh filled to the brim with disbelief. “That’s what bothers you about this situation? That’s what you’re annoyed about? You aren’t bothered that I said no but you’re bothered that I said no in front of all those people?”

“Of course I’m bothered that you said no but you could’ve waited to say no instead of making a scene.” 

“I didn’t make a scene, Graysen!” She seethed. “You made a scene by asking me that question in a public setting when we’d never discussed this before! You’ve never asked what kind of ring I wanted, we’ve never talked about what kind of a proposal I might like, we’ve never even discussed if either of us wanted to get married at all.” 

“I thought we were on the same page. I’d assumed you’d say yes!” He dragged a hand through his hair. 

“You assume a lot about me and that’s the entire problem,” she shook her head solemnly. “I know I’m not an open book, I know I keep a lot to myself but you’ve never even tried. You’ve never asked me about myself or my interests or you tune out when I do talk about the shop or my family or things that I like. All you care about is dressing me up however you like and parading me around. You like that I don’t argue back, that I go along with whatever you suggest and that’s okay because I’ve played a part in that as well but you don’t know me, Graysen.” 

“If you felt like that then why are you here? Why have you stayed?” Graysen asked. 

“I don’t know,” she whispered. “It’s been nice and I do care about you but it hasn’t even been a full year, Gray. I just didn’t think we were close to even considering getting married.”

“So it’s not because you’re waiting for him?” 

Elain stopped short, startled by his remark. Graysen had never once brought up anything that had happened back home since they’d gotten back from their trip for Nyx’s birthday at the start of the year, much to her surprise. And Elain had fought tooth and nail, used every little bit of willpower she had to stop her mind from constantly fixating on what Azriel had told her on Nesta’s porch that night. On what he’d gently advised her to do. 

I  can handle you being with someone else, I’ve done it for a decade… but please… please don’t stay with someone that doesn’t make you happy just to prove a point to yourself or to me or to anyone else.

She’d heard him that night and then proceeded to do exactly what he’d told her not to. She’d spent months - years in all actuality -  running from her problems and it had finally caught up to her. She’d hit a brick wall, hard and fast, and now she was completely stuck, caught in a web made of all her worst decisions. 

“Elain?” Graysen’s voice broke through her spiralling thoughts. “It’s because of him, isn’t it? 

“No,” Elain shook her head. She couldn’t work out why even now she was fighting the truth. 

“You’re in love with him aren’t you?” 

“No,” she shook her head, hating the way tears immediately started to fall from her eyes, as if her body was rejecting the lie. “He’s just my best friend.”

“Take off the necklace, then.” Graysen jutted his chin towards her chest, his eyebrow raised and his lips set in a hard line. “If he isn’t the reason that you can’t say yes to me, if you don’t love him… take off the necklace.”

Elain stepped away from him, swallowing her nerves. She felt dizzy all of a sudden. Everything felt wrong, the air felt thick and heavy and a horrible ball of something ominous settled in the pit of her stomach. “I can’t take it off, Gray. I won’t.” 

She really couldn’t. She’d only ever taken it off for an x-ray or a massage. She knew it was ridiculous, that it was just a physical object and it wouldn’t be the end of the world if she gave in and removed it, but unclasping her necklace would feel like the end of something and she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. 

“Take it off, Elain.” Graysen demanded again, stepping towards her. “You won’t accept a ring from me but you’ll wear some piece of shit necklace that your best friend made for you years ago?”

“It’s a necklace with sentimental value, Graysen.  I’ve worn it every single day for years and I’m not going to change that now.” Elain sighed. “What does the necklace have to do with this, anyway?”

“Everything. It has everything to do with this,” he moved closer. “Hate seeing that thing around your fucking neck every goddamn day.”

“I’m not going to take it off.”

“So we’re done then?” His voice went whisper soft and she froze, completely backed up against a wall with nowhere to go. She knew that when he went quiet, trouble was soon to follow. 

“I didn’t say that,” Elain pinched the bridge of her nose. 

“You don’t want to get married, though.” 

“No, I don’t.” 

“Not now or not ever?”

She stayed silent even though the answer was loud and clear in her head.

“Fucking hell, Elain.” Graysen cursed under his breath and moved in even closer. Before she knew what was happening, he’d raised his hand and reached forward, firmly grasping her beloved pendant in his fingers. With one swift movement, Graysen tugged and the chain around Elain’s neck pinched her skin as it snapped. 

She was shocked. Elain stared at him with wide eyes and it wasn’t fear that coursed through her veins, but anger. She acted on instinct, shoving him backwards with two firm hands against his chest. 

“Don’t you ever fucking touch me like that again,” she seethed, annoyed at the way her voice and hands  shook a little. She may not have felt afraid in the moment, but it was clear that her body was having a different physical response. “Get out.”

“Elain-” Graysen tried to talk to her. Reason with her. 

She was used to this - the softening of his eyes, his voice. The slight drop of his shoulders. He’d let his emotions get the best of him and now he was doing recon. 

“Please, baby.” He tried again, taking one small half-step towards her. 

“Get. Out.” Elain stood her ground. “Get the fuck out my apartment.” 

It was clear that Graysen was surprised by this. He hadn’t expected her to argue back, not when she usually just gave in to his half hearted attempts at apologies. But she’d had enough and she’d finally stood her ground even if she’d let it go entirely too far. His defences went up in return, his shoulders squared, his jaw turned rigid, and his eyes narrowed.

“We’re done,” her voice cracked as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“So that’s it then?” Graysen raised an eyebrow. “What’s your plan, Elain? You have nothing. You have no one here. All you had was me... My friends. My money. ”

“Please, can you just go?” Elain practically begged, her heart was racing and all she wanted was a cold glass of water and to lay down. 

“Do you really think he’s going to want you, Elain?” Graysen gave her a sardonic grin. “You’re nothing but a pretty face. You’ll go running back home and straight into his arms but what do you think is going to happen? He won’t want you.”

Tears pricked at Elain’s eyes and she pleaded with herself to not let them fall. She couldn’t let him win. Couldn’t let him know that everything he was saying were thoughts that she’d had about herself time and time again. 

“He may keep you around for a bit but the novelty will wear off,” he shrugged. “I know how men work, Elain. You’ve strung him along for years… he doesn’t like you. He just likes the chase. He’ll fuck you a few times and then he’ll realise that you have little else to offer. You’re nothing, Elain. He may think the world of you now but you are nothing. No one will want a girl like you.”

Elain was shaking. She didn’t know whether it was from anger or nerves or perhaps embarrassment that she hadn’t been able to hold back her tears and now she could taste the salt that dampened her cheeks. 

“No one wants a girl like me?” Elain managed to scoff. “Do you hear yourself? You proposed to me not even an hour ago.”

Graysen opened his mouth to speak but Elain had finally had enough. She couldn’t stand to listen to him spit more vitriolic words into her face. Couldn’t stand the reminders of everything she’d already convinced herself to be true. She walked past him, straight to the door of her apartment. 

She twisted the knob, pulling the door open before turning back to face him. “Leave.” 

“If I step out of that door, I’m not coming back,” Graysen threatened. “We’ll be done.” 

“Leave,” she repeated. 

Graysen’s jaw clenched and he let out a sharp exhale of air as he made his way towards the open door. He didn’t say anything as he looked at her, only pausing to give her a disgusted once-over before he flung her necklace on the ground. She watched as it landed right by the sharp heel of her shoe. 

Elain barely heard him mutter whatever last insult he flung her way before he walked away. She closed her door and locked it but her eyes never left that shimmering piece of gold shining bright on her dark floor. She sank to her knees, tears falling so hard and fast from her eyes that the neckline of her dress was wet. She didn’t realise how quick and shallow her breaths had become until she was on the floor, her broken necklace safe in her hands. 

She pulled her legs to her chest and lowered her head in between her knees, her fingers still tightly clutching the pendant. This was the lowest moment of her life and she couldn’t believe she’d let it get to this point.  She was disappointed with herself. With her decisions. She’d wasted years of her life. She’d wasted her time and the time of at least two other people. She’d isolated herself from everyone that genuinely cared about her. She’d missed out on major family milestones. Had pushed away any chance of happiness that had been presented to her. 

Elain had run and run and run and where had it gotten her? 

She was thirty years old and lived in a city that would never feel like home. She had  countless failed relationships and one disastrous marriage proposal under her belt. She was having a panic attack in her tiny apartment and there was nothing she could do about it. She grasped for her phone - desperate to have someone talk her through this terrible feeling, to remind her how to breathe. 

Amidst her racing thoughts and racing heart, she ran through her options - she couldn’t bother Nesta because she didn’t want to interrupt her time with Cassian. Feyre had enough on her plate with Nyx. She wasn’t close enough with any of her old friends to put them on the spot like this. She wanted her father, wanted a hug and the gruff it’ll be fine that would never come.

There was only one other option left but there was no way in hell she was going to go through with that when Graysen’s words were still blaring through her mind. 

Elain squeezed her eyes shut and tipped her head back against the door. She gripped her necklace in her fist and raised her fist to her chest, gently tapping in a rhythm that mimicked a normal heartbeat. She didn’t know how long she sat there before her heart slowed, matching the slow knocking of her fist against her chest. 

Her panic had subsided but the sadness and frustration lingered and the profound loneliness that she’d been trying to ignore - the loneliness that her father had once alluded to - finally bubbled up and threatened to drown her once and for all. 

[stormxpadme]

Whumptober 2024 No. 31 - Asking for help & Making amends

06/12/2018

If she didn't seriously have other shit to worry about right now, this would probably have been embarrassing.

Only when one of the estate's bodyguards, almost just as tall as broad, silent, and brooding as ever, just like Katja remembered these people, led her to the cellar, Katja realized she had not been to Emma's library even once back then. Not for more than a short glance at the tour through the house on day 1. Admittedly, she'd not been much of a reader ever since childhood; sports had always taken priority over that, and that hadn’t exactly changed a lot since she'd mutated and moved in at Mutant High. Most of the literature she was exposed to were the textbooks and material she'd needed for her PhD at the time and whatever new material was published in her psychological and pedagogy fields relevant to her work ever since then. Or some raunchy short online piece for nighttime readings every now and then. Maybe life as a superhero was simply too packed and exotic all by itself to need much fiction to digest on top of that. Whenever Katja did try to bury her nose in some romance or crime novel every now and then, on these rare evenings when she didn’t have Scott in bed with her to fall asleep, she ended up faceplanting in those pages a couple of paragraphs in. And back in those weeks that she'd spent at Frost Ltd. for her own protection from the Brotherhood all these years back, loneliness, anger and frustration had unsettled her soul far too much for new hobbies as well. As she entered the heavy brass doors this morning, after steeling herself for the argument inevitably to come, with a deep breath, she had a funny feeling, that lack of interest might not change a lot after today either. Sure, the view of the dozens of shelves, filled to the brim and reaching almost up to the hall's high ceiling, was as impressive as expected, the lavish chandeliers on the marble ceiling and the heavy, carved wooden chairs in the corners speaking of Emma's taste and wealth just like everything else in this house … But the sight of the woman awaiting Katja in one of these mahogany chairs, throned upon a small golden pedestal at the other end of the room, wasn’t half as pleasant, given the blank stare Emma captured Katja's shy gaze with, holding it for every single second, every too-slow step towards her, the dull thud of low heels an unnerving echo in the otherwise empty room. Christ, what had she been thinking? Now that she was already here though, there was no way back, and recalling that single devastating image to her mind that Mystique had sent the X-Men during this crucial conversation yesterday, of how sick and weak Katja's daughter had looked there in that foreign sick bay, with only members of a group hostile to Westchester looking out for her … That was more than enough not to stop her stride for a single second in the end. She had to try, there simply was no other choice. No matter how much she despised coming to this woman for help of all people, especially without telling even her teammates because she had a pretty good idea what they'd have had to say about this plan. Worst she could earn in here was a no, anyway.

When Emma finally did deign to address her, reaching for a glass with an auburn liquid inside Katja also remembered well from a lot of evenings spent together in friendship still in this house, the woman almost managed to have her turn on her heel after all, just when she'd almost reached the bottom of that small reading stage. "The prodigal daughter returns."

"This is no longer my home," Katja reminded Emma through gritted teeth. "It never was. I wish I would immediately have understood that back then and put my foot down when Charles and Scott sent me to this place. That would have saved both of us a lot of regret and hurt pride. Then I wouldn’t have been as pissed with you after Washington because I would never have expected anything different than what you did at Mutant High in my absence."

Emma put her scotch back down on the crystal table next to her with a slightly too shrill noise, the expectation in her voice of welcoming a promising new-old pupil in the rows of her army, cooled down again as quickly as it had emerged. "I don’t need to listen to this."

"You did what you thought was right back then," Katja continued, ignoring the wave of rejection thrown in her face, stopping right before the pedestal with her head held high enough to look her mentor in the eye, her back straight. This whole reception was a pretty predictable, almost primitive horror cabinet. The times when Emma had been able to impress and manipulate her so easily were over. For that, her dear old mentor would have had to use her powers, and since Emma was very well aware the X-Men would have come here with the Avengers and the whole damn State army to raze this house to the ground if she'd have tried something like that ever again, there was nothing Katja had to fear in this place. Save for not achieving what she'd come here for, maybe. And for that, there was at least one crow she'd have to eat. "I'm sorry about what I said to you after you let Artie leave without as much as consulting me about it, Em'. I was being rude and unfair to you. But I still don't think you were right."

"Then what are you here for?" Visibly reluctantly, Emma sat back in her chair again, crossing her legs, a hint of curiosity sparking in her bright eyes. Very aware of just how difficult it had been for Katja to utter even these few words of apology, it must be dawning on her now, there was a good reason for this visit.

"For help," Katja got out after another thick swallow, with almost as much effort as it had cost her to protect the X-Men's jet with her powers from hostile fire at Watergate that fateful night the day before yesterday. Just barely, as it was, with her mutation radius being just as small as it had been when she'd come to Westchester first and her lightning bolts not having half the strength as Ororo's. That finally had to stop; she'd been hiding from her own gift long enough. "I need to advance my powers so I can face the Brotherhood in New York without biting it at the gates already. This time, I will not just abandon a kid to their fate. Not my own."

Emma's jaw was grinding; it was visible she was fighting herself already about if she should just show Katja the door, after everything that had gone wrong between them not even considering support of any kind. Or if that would hurt her much-needed reputation with the X-Men too much, especially since there was a minor involved in the middle of this conflict that Emma had surely already heard all about on the internal superhero network located in Angelica's flat that they all regularly used. "How is the kid?"

"Recovering, slowly. They say. I'd hate to take the word of terrorists for that though." Katja rubbed the shiver running down her arms under her leather jacket away, blinking away somehow the veil over her sight that the renewed reminder of that image of her far too pale, unconscious little girl on a foreign sick bay produced.

"You could have asked me to go to Watergate with you. I could have helped you get in far faster and easier. Then none of this would have happened." No, Emma wasn’t done just yet, sending poisoned verbal arrows to Katja's heart, in the shape of the merciless reminder that not trusting this woman enough to call her in for missions at least every now and then, always harbored the risk of things going even more wrong.

But this, too, was a decision Katja was fully backing her husband up about. A team like theirs could only function when everyone had unlimited trust in each other, or misunderstandings and irritation would cause distraction and unrest in life-threatening situations of all times. One almost-casualty in that terrible confrontation at an enemy base had been bad enough. "You help us much more by continuing to go to Washington for your high society dinner parties, Em'. We need to know what the fuck is going on there. Who the hell has half of the US government on strings so much that we still haven’t seen a single army helicopter do as much as circle New York since the takeover. We need to know who protects the Brotherhood before we can consider what we do about this catastrophe, and fast."

Emma's reaction was similar to the one Scott had already had to accept in their last com conversation about this subject, a small, vague nod that lacked a depressing amount of optimism for someone usually so self-assured, and Emma reaching for a glass already half-empty again, with a hand no longer entirely steady. That government-sanctioned attack at the night of Alkali Lake back then that had almost cost the woman two of her beloved pupils, had never been forgotten, for neither of them. "I’ll try. I have to be careful. If I’m not, they’re coming for my kids, and I can’t be in two places at once."

"I know." Dejected silence, even louder this time between the hundreds of backs of impeccably dusted off books surrounding them, so much passion, knowledge, and history packed in a single room … And yet not an answer anywhere to the question of how they should proceed with the global civil war threatening all life on this planet once more. The only thing they finally did need to accept, difficult as it was, was that they could only do it together. "I didn’t thank you yet. That you helped us when they invaded our home again anyway. That you were there for us when we needed you. Again." Only at these last few words, Katja couldn’t look at her mentor anymore suddenly, at those sentences that needed even more force to be articulated, even more of that old anger trying to blacken Katja's heart about that one time all these years back when she'd also relied on this woman for help … and then had come home to her old mentor having sent away Katja's favorite charge to an uncertain future in his most vulnerable moment.

A small hand coming to rest on her shoulder without any pressure, for a light squeeze of comfort, chased at least a little of that hurt back then away from her soul. "I will always be if I can, whenever you call, Cat. I should have been around in Westchester to help you people out far more often after Charles left, in fact. That’s something I do often regret."

"Then why weren’t you? Why aren't you?" Katja could have kicked herself in the behind for even asking but knew at the same time that when it came to such a possible fruitful partnership, her own wishes and sensitivities could never come before the good of the school. Before the good of the children there who often could have needed additional help with their powers and an experienced pedagogy shoulder to lean on.

The relief she should have felt at Emma's fierce headshake never came, thanks to a certain name on her former friend's blood-red lips that had been the reason for never-dying anxiety and uncertainty at Mutant High even before its owner's birth.

"Noemi."

"Em' …?" Katja was afraid to ask and yet had to, her own hand suddenly shaking when she reached for the one holding her shoulder almost a little too tightly now.

Almost, as if Emma was the one needing something to hold on to for once, the way her eyes half-closed as if she was looking at something inside that made her tremble there in her usual skimpy white clothes, listening to a voice only she could hear maybe ...

Suddenly, Katja was pretty sure she didn’t want to know whose that was.

Emma, sadly, had never been someone to go easy on her when she'd been closing her eyes to anything. "The danger that haunts Noemi ever since she existed was never gone. You know that, Cat. Phoenix warned you people about it when she brought Jean back to life for a second time on the Scapels moon. I’m trying to keep Noemi from it best as I can but … It can happen. It might happen. Someday. And then I can’t be anywhere around you guys. I need to keep myself away from Phoenix. Power has always been my weakness, and Phoenix is the pure incarnation of it."

Katja found herself inevitably taking a step away from the other woman, only really realizing it when a cynical, sad smile curled on Emma's lips about this proof of a fear Katja had always claimed back then she didn’t feel in her friend's presence … But that had been long before they'd all been even aware of that cosmic demon that had taken over Jean's soul more than once. That in theory could possess anyone suited for their power.

"I thought you …"

"… left that behind?" Emma turned away, still with that dejected grin, to sit down on the edge of the stage and reach up to get her glass again, this time nodding Katja along though, and after a second of hesitation, she followed. No more time for old childish pettiness now, for either of them. "Yes, mostly. But then something like New York happens and I just get so angry. Then I think, if only I had the necessary power, I could just make it all right. I would make myself Queen and make everything good for the people. It’s just short moments, I never act on it but …" Emma stared down at her almost empty glass for long seconds, her shoulders looking painfully tight, a wrinkle of tension and age under her corset forming on her back that Katja had never noticed before. "But what you people like to forget is that we all have this dark side. Like that priest in the New York II camp did. He got a chance to act on it when these bastards managed to engineer that deadly mutant virus, and he did. Contrary to what most think, I’m not arrogant enough to tell myself I’m better than him. And for me, it wouldn’t just be releasing a lethal sickness on those I don’t think they deserve to live. It could be the end of the world, just because I wanted to save it." The silence prevailing between them this time was almost as choking as the fine layer of dust and the smell of yellowing pages in the air. When Emma could bring herself to turn her head Katja's way again cautiously, not even the favorably warm shine from the countless candles above could hide the deep lines around her lips, her eyes. "Are you afraid of me now?"

"Do I need to?" Katja asked after long seconds of clueless silence. She knew she would have to talk about what she'd just heard when she'd get home, at least with her husband and certainly with Noemi … But before that, she still had a mission to fulfill she'd come here for. And if anything, the fact that Emma was more aware than ever of her flaws and how careful she needed to be with exploring her powers, that gave Katja even more an assurance that she'd been right about getting on her bike even before sunrise.

"Not as long as I keep myself safe," Emma replied firmly, much to her relief.

Katja wanted to believe her, so badly, wanted to have the assurance just like back then that Emma had learned her lesson and wouldn’t put this world at risk again … But with an insane cosmic bitch like Dark Phoenix involved who would happily have thrown herself at the chance of a powerful new host to rip this universe to pieces, almost was never good enough a certainty. "Would you tell me if you were ever not safe?"

"Not you. Noemi. Because she’s the only one who could still stop me then," Emma added when Katja frowned in confusion, so shaken already once more by all she'd learned in that conversation that she actually only too gladly accepted when Emma offered her a glass of her own, though she was usually not much of a drinker at all.

"An emergency brake," Katja realized thoughtfully, the heavy weight of her doubt about this trip slipping off her shoulders more by the second.

It seemed indeed, Emma was stable enough to trust her at least with the occasional support every now and then these days … And she still had that ability of telling Katja exactly what she needed to hear at exactly the right moment, before Katja had even had a chance to address certain things going on in her mind. Such a plan for possible risks with unstable powers was maybe exactly what certain people in Katja's home, including her own husband, could use if they were ever to decide to expand on what they could already do …

"Sometimes I think all mutants should have one," Emma confirmed as if she'd once more read Katja's mind, and for once, Katja couldn’t even really mind that she probably was. "I certainly know Jericho thought so."

That certain reminder though, of a man who'd sacrificed the children entrusted to him to a bunch of psychotic Catholics thinking all mutants to be the devil's work, quickly put a damper on that brief enthusiasm about a new possible solution for old issues. "Isn’t that what normal people want for us?"

"Yes. But we’d do it by choice." Emma's fine fingertips came to rest on her chin to turn her face her way for another of these intense glances, and from up close, these deep, passionate eyes still never failed to have Katja stop in reverent silence. "It’s all about the freedom of choice, Cat. That’s the hardest lesson I had to learn in my life, and the one I'm most grateful for." You made your decision, Cat. And he made his.

When Katja could bring herself to pull away then, it wasn’t because that comforting touch of an old friend was unpleasant any longer but because her cheeks had flushed in shame at the memory of how the two of them had talked about the burden of choice last. And maybe, after all this time, Katja suddenly understood it at least a little better why she'd come home with her favorite charge no longer present at Mutant High that day. And that it indeed wasn’t only Emma to blame for that. She wished she could have told the person that sudden painful realization concerned most, too, but the grief that this might probably never happen again, she'd had to accept long ago. "Did Artie's choice leave him alive?"

"Yes," Emma answered easily as if that question hadn’t been torturing Katja for the last 15 years, with all desperate attempts to acquire even a shred of information from various partnering groups of the X-Men failing. "He’s in New York now. He's lived with Synch's family for a while after he couldn’t stand being with the Morlocks or in public foster care anymore, before Synch's parents were murdered right before the boys' eyes. Bigots allegedly, and Mystique was lucky enough to be close by that day. She had it easy with both of them."

"Why didn’t you …?" Katja's voice was hoarse with shock; she couldn’t even get up, get some distance between Emma and her again, at these crucial relations not only about that boy she was missing so much finally revealed, but also about one of Mystique's most powerful warlords, in passing, as if this whole conflict wasn’t concerning Emma in the least.

Emma soothingly held up her hand. "I only learned when they left Watergate the day before yesterday, and I could finally get a look into the heads of some of these people. And you had to be ready to hear this. I think you are now."

Katja hesitated for another long moment, still trying to process all this but decided that in this case, too, she could give Emma the benefit of the doubt for now. In the end, it wouldn’t have made a difference anyway. Watergate might as well be on the moon, as far as its still unknown exact location and accessibility were concerned. And the same now went for New York. "Will Artie ever come back to us, Em'?"

"I don’t think so." Emma gently took Katja's hand not holding her glass, rubbing a bit of warmth in her suddenly far too cold skin but still not even attempting to go easy on her in any way, and for that, Katja continued to be as grateful as ever. She'd run from certain truths for far too long. "Things are changing. Many more of the Morlocks and other shunned mutants will go to Mystique, too, but those who don’t want to live in a city that isn’t theirs … You might see them in Westchester soon. I think the tides are shifting. Those who don’t like what the Brotherhood did … They won’t stay hidden forever. When the war comes, we won't be helpless, Cat. We never were. And you’ll never be again, not if I have anything to do with it."

"So now you can tell the future too, huh?" Katja let out a shaky chuckle, that was easier than giving in to the tears suddenly sitting far too close to the surface at even the smallest hint at that one time when all control had been taken from her physically, leaving her scarred for a lifetime. Back then it had been only thanks to Emma that the others had found her in time in the canalization to save her life. Maybe it was that, she should remember more often in spite of the hurt, the anger.

"No. But I see." Emma's fingertips on her cheek didn’t allow her to lower her sight again, not even for a second, her eyes narrowing for a second, then going wide when Emma seemed to spot something with one of these intense gazes in Katja's soul that she'd actually not been meant to see, not yet … But that was probably alright too; this was what Katja had come to this place for after all. "And that much I can promise you. I’ll always tell you what I see."

"Then that’s all I’ll ever ask for." Katja forced herself to smile, and this time, it wasn’t as difficult but then gently pulled away again. Though she'd long decided she was ready to give this woman another chance … They could do that without the additional, not entirely unpleasant but also completely irrelevant reminder that there had always been not only friendship but also the occasional physical attraction between them. Scott would already be pissed enough upon learning about Katja's trip here, without another chapter in their thankfully long-closed book of jealousy.

Emma grinned silently to herself, probably able to guess what was going on in her mind without taking another look.

"So how about you let me make amends now about not being around two days ago, and we go see what that secondary mutation of yours is about?"

"Couldn’t help yourself, hm?" Katja grimaced a little dramatically, knocking against her forehead.

Emma got up from the stage with a nonchalant shrug and nodded her along. The gym was waiting. "Didn’t need to look. The Generator needed to up its power supply two times since you walked in here. You're loading up like a battery."

"Good." A bitter grin curled on Katja's lips when she slowly clenched her hands into fists, opening them, closing them once more, feeling the faint but undeniable tingling under her skin, from her cells being filled with an almost limitless amount of energy though she'd hardly slept last night. "I got some power to spare then." "More than enough to bring down a whole city's defenses, I'd say," Emma answered with an unmistakably proud little smirk. "At least with the right training. So let's get moving, Flashwind."

*******************************************************************************

@whumptober | @whumptober-archive

[aelaer]

I love writing; I want to write I'm not able to. Whenever I open a document, ready to write, it's like my fingers get stuck, hovering over the keyboard. It is frustrating and upsetting and doesn't help my non-existing confidence and self-worth.

I know people say it helps when you talk with friends about your writing but I only have one friend and I've annoyed them enough with my writing problems (since we longer share the same fandoms). And I'm scared of people and self-isolate myself from them because my past fandom experiences weren't the best.

Aww love *big hugs* 🫂 Thank you for your trust in sharing this personal information with me. I presume that you shared it with me on the hope that I would give some thoughts and ideas on these troubles. I will do my best to give you an answer that will hopefully be of some use to you. If you just needed to let it off your chest and do not wish for thoughts and non-professional advice, please don't read beyond this paragraph. And if that's the case I just wish the best for you and hope things get better!

But if you're still reading this second paragraph, here's some of my own musings on what you've divulged. (Note - I'm not a professional health person, this stuff is from memory of things I've read and my memory may be spotty.)

The funny thing about hobbies is that they're meant to enrich your life, but oftentimes you can only easily partake in them if you're already in a good place. If you're stressed about work, school, family or friends, it gets hard to focus on things you enjoy. If your health is in the toilet, it's sometimes hard to do hobbies as well. This includes mental health.

It's a bit of a terrible cycle. You want to create, but you are too down to create, which makes you feel even more down than you were before. This is terribly common and it's such a difficult cycle to break.

How exactly do you solve it? I don't think there's an easy solution, or a solution that fits everyone. But I have the following on "things" to try split into different parts, if you want to give any of these a shot. They touch on each of the items you mentioned in your post:

Getting In The Mood To Write

Set up a sprint. Don't know what sprinting is? Here's an article about sprints. Don't have a Discord writing server where sprints are set up? Here's a free sprint site.

Is the story you *want* to write not easily coming to mind? Why not start on some writing prompts. This link has prompts that would be about 1-3 paragraphs to complete per prompt. Need more flexibility? These prompts could be answered in a couple sentences, a paragraph, or a page. None of these may be the story you've been trying to write, but they're a good way to get your muscle memory in your fingers and word-forming in your head to get started again. You can do as little or as many as you like. They can be fiction or non-fiction. You can even answer the prompts as your favorite fictional character if you'd like to for the personal writing ones.

How calm are your surroundings and your mind? This article goes into some tips about setting the mood and getting your mind prepared for the space. It also goes into the importance of the mind being in the right space for it, which goes into my next section.

Caring For Yourself

I really like the article I linked in point three because it emphasizes, in very large text, "Be kind to yourself and let it flow". This is one of the most difficult things to learn because if you've spent a long time beating yourself up for not doing the thing, not being good enough, and other self-negative terminology, that'll be deep within your psyche. Unlearning all of these negative feelings about yourself is not done in a day, or a week, or possibly not even a month or year.

One method of combating these negative feelings is by saying (out loud or on paper) positive things about yourself: that you *are* enough, that you are talented/worth it/hardworking, whatever it is to combat whatever you've been telling yourself that has lowered your self-esteem. This has to become a habit, by the way--something you schedule in your day and that you stick to like clockwork. This self-affirming self-care language is supposed to eventually sink in, because if it is so often in the upper conscious, it eventually sinks to the subconscious. Or at least, that's what the science of it says.

Depending on how long this feeling continues and how many aspects of your life it affects, you may want to consider speaking with a professional about it. If that is not a viable solution, doing some research on what you can do to help yourself could help. Just stick with reputable sites--the .edu's and the like.

One blog I really like following is @insanitysilver because of their constant positivity around writing both original and fan fiction. There's a lot of reaffirming content about being kind to yourself on bad writing days, to your WIPs, and just being a writer (and reader!) in general. This may help give you a pick-me-up in your browsing of tumblr.

Getting Into The Fandom Community

I 100% get not wanting to get into fandom again because you've had bad experiences in the past. Oh my *goodness*, I can't count all the terrible experiences I've had in online fandom spaces and online RP spaces in the 20 years I've been active online and all the hurt that came with it. Heck, I'm friends with a mutual who is also interacting with the person who told me they were disgusted that I had given kudos on their fic and said some absolutely *nasty* things to me, and we're both still active in the same fandom.

Unfortunately it comes with human interaction. If you hide from it forever, you may miss out on some absolutely amazing experiences and beautiful friendships.

Toxic people are everywhere, unfortunately, but you learn to recognize them and, in the online space, block them. And those toxic people (like the one I mentioned above) have to live with their nastiness and you start to feel sorry for them, because how sad must that person be to go out of their way to put others down in such a horrid manner?

If it's a matter of miscommunications and misunderstanding, that gets easier to deal with with experience and time. Experience is a big part of it. Have I committed some big social mistakes and major faux pas in my past? Yes, absolutely, including in the fandom I'm still active in. I have major foot-in-mouth disease, and I feel pretty bad about those! When I can, I try to repair relationships. When I can't, I've learned to apologize where I can when I'm at fault and move on. You don't need to be friends with everyone in the fandom to have a good time.

To start getting involved: joining a fandom Discord would be my recommendation. You can usually find one via Google. Some are super large, so you may want to try and find smaller shipping ones, or character-based ones as opposed to a huge community. The cool thing about this is that you can lurk for a time to see how the community interacts before stepping in, which is a nice part about Discord.

Another way to connect with folks is via tumblr. Look up the fandom tags here and start following folks who post a lot about your favorite things! First you can start with reblogs, then reblogs with tags, and then comments and asks. Baby steps at your own pace.

I definitely recommend connecting with several people if at all possible because you'll have several people to talk about fandom stuff with, and writing with, and if you have a falling out with one of them, it won't feel like you're completely out of the loop. I'd also recommend that you connect with folks who aren't all mutuals -- spread it out. In one of my largest fandom schisms several years ago, a whole RP group kicked me out because the leader was an ableist asshole. But I had several other RP partners to fall back on and to help me through the tough time. It's similar in the fandom space--you want to be friendly with several folks. That's one reason Discord is so great-- you can be in several Discord groups with a variety of people and be acquaintances, friends, and good friends with several folks. If for some reason one of the Discord groups is actually a poisonous hellhole and they're awful to you, you can back out and fall back to the other group without feeling like you've completely disconnected from everyone in fandom. There's a space for everyone.

If your fandom is my corner of the MCU, I'd recommend both the Stephen Strange Discord and IronStrange Discord. They're wholesome groups and you can comfortably lurk there until you're ready to talk about the fun stuff. If you don't have those links, just send me a follow-up ask for which one you'd like and I'll post a 7-day link.

This was pretty darn long, but I hope I could be of some assistance, if assistance was what you were looking for. Best wishes, anon--things do get better.

[pink-booty-butts]

🍥🍙🍠🍱

Btw, you're absolutely incredible!! You write my favourite fanfics and I appreciate you and your friendship so much! You deserve so so much appreciation ♥

Omg Mari you're the sweetest!! thank you so much!! I appreciate you and our friendship so much too!! I am hugging you mentally rn <33

🍥 What's your favorite fic you've written?

Omg this is such a hard one! I feel like my favorite fic is always the one I'm currently writing haha (which rn is a william fic that's taking me ages lol).

But if I had to pick from ones I've already posted, probably Pranked! Normally I try to think more about what other people would want to read, or I try to think a lot about how to make the Reader more relatable to people besides me so people can insert themselves more easily(btw idk if i'm successful, but i always try my best to consider these things!). But for that fic I threw all of that out the window and basically just wrote it for myself haha :P

🍙 Is there a fic you wish had gotten more attention?

If I had to pick one, probably Say Yes!

Honestly, I don't think it's my best work so I'm not upset about it. I think I'm only slightly disappointed because I wrote that fic when I was having some feelings™ and at the time I kinda wanted someone to support me like Chris does in that fic and thought maybe other people would too, but I think it was probably too depressing haha.

Also it probably didn't get as much attention because I don't write him in character well enough, so I probably need to watch Spy again so I can write better fics about him for you guys!! <33

🍠 How long does it take you to write one of your fics or a chapter/part?

Ooooooh man not to be basic, but it depends! If I'm super duper focused I can bang out a fic from blank page to edited and posted in a couple of hours.

But unfortunately I'm a super restless/hyper person irl, I feel the need to get up and lowkey run a lap around my house like every 10 minutes so sometimes it takes a lot longer than that, and because of that it's really hard to give an accurate number of how long it actually takes me to write something sadly! (Maybe I should try timing myself when I'm actively writing bc I'm kinda curious now lol) With the fic I'm currently writing, I swear it took me like 5 hours to write a single paragraph cos I couldn't sit still hahahaha. I kinda wish I wasn't like that so I could get more fics written for you guys, but on the bright side I always get my steps in! :p

🍱 Do you read your own fics?

NO NEVER EW LOL, literally cringe every time I've reread one of my fics

Lmao jk! Tbh I do sometimes reread them when I'm writing a fic for a particular character and I want to check if I've written something similar already because I worry about my fics being too similar to each other. I know to some extent it's probably inevitable because I'm writing them, but I do sometimes skim over previous fics to check I'm not writing the same exact scenario or using the same language or words to describe something. I still cringe when I do that, but I suffer through it to make the fic I'm writing at that time better (hopefully) haha

Thank you so much for your questions btw!! <3 You're the best!!

[witchybitchybisexual]

1. ‘Dorothy Zbornak sighed as she walked out of the lift with her Ma.’

2. I tend to write in third person, but generally Blanche comes the most naturally to me.

3. Which one? I have 8 unpublished, unfinished haha.

4. Blanche and Dorothy raising a daughter and dealing with the consequences of a child having Sophia as a grandmother and Rose an honorary aunt.

5. ‘When Rose passed Blanche in the hallway, she began to smile, “Hi Blanche, are you excited about doing the documentary?” ‘

6. ‘Blanche’ appears 22 times so far (still in the early ish stages) followed by ‘Dorothy’ at 19.

7. I think simple is always a guaranteed, but I do love italics if that counts?

8. This Little Lie of Mine By GrandSailorMiniMoon is a gorgeous story that captured my heart with its complexities from the first read! So I’d have to say that, just so that I could write the happy ending I so wished Blanche and Dorothy could’ve gotten in that - though I did love the angsty ending too. I’d definitely give it a read if you haven’t already!

9. On AO3 and finished? A rare occurrence for me haha! I think it was a schitts creek one that only took a couple of days because I didn’t have much on in my life back then and got myself into a bit of a writing frenzy.

10. A year and a half? Maybe even a bit longer.

11. My golden girls crossover with Philomena Cunk, or the crossover with absolutely fabulous.

12. Smart and serious x giggly and thoughtless has always been a big one for me, but I have to say you can never go wrong with the secret admirer trope!

13. A Series Of Unfortunate Events or Law And Order SUV is a very small possibility in the future, but I prefer focusing on one fandom at

a time to be honest.

14. Watching the media surrounding it, reading other stories and seeing old interviews about the characters helps a little, but to be honest ideas just pop into my head randomly throughout the day and I just role with it, it’s not a case of me really needing to do anything!

15. I don’t really have a favourite weather to write in, but I dislike doing it when it’s very sunny! A thunderstorm is always quite relaxing (typical, I know)

16. My bed, usually at 2 in the morning. I tend to find it the most peaceful time where I can work on a story. This is also why I tend to respond to messages at all hours of the day/night.

17. I either write it directly onto AO3 and paste the copies into notes or vice versa. I try to really get into the mind of the character and think about their speech patterns or mannerisms in order to feel like the reader can picture this actually being the characters reactions themselves etc, rather than just my interpretation of said character! I’ll usually have a film/tv show on the devices I have in the background so that I don’t get too bored, sometimes this is the golden girls, sometimes not. Occasionally if it’s a really long day I’ll save my work and just watch it fully, but I try to write for as long as possible as I find it a wonderful de-stressing technique for me. I’ll either edit paragraphs by paragraph or just edit the whole thing once it’s done, if not I publish first and this reread the next day to iron the mistakes out and edit.

18. N/A - sorry. Unless I really like the line, I delete it completely.

19. The unification of Italy was certainly the most unusual I can remember happening recently!

20. …2020-2021?… maybe? That’s a big maybe because I deleted a lot of my work a couple of months ago.

21. An actual fic? 13th of May (yes, I know I’m embarrassingly slow at doing chaptered fics)

22. Not really, only when I start out in a new fandom. Once I get the feel of the people then I’m fine! I write more for myself and my ideas rather than the public, they’re just a lovely little perk! I suppose because I don’t write for absolutely huge fandoms, that might take the pressure off. My advice is, remember you’re doing this for yourself, not other people, it’s an act of service rather than an expectation, and to not back down from worthy ideas!

23. Empathetic, imaginative and unpredictable. (It’s bloody hard to think about this from a perspective that isn’t self critical)

24. Rewatching the media I’m writing for, give myself a break and read fanfic or a classic book! That or listening to music.

25. Reading, horse riding, singing, piano, meditation, going to the gym, drawing and anything to do with theatre! I like to be kept busy whenever I can.

26. Depends on what I’m writing and how focused I want to be, I can, but I prefer to when I’m alone.

27. Definitely both writing dialogue and really getting to delve into a character’s emotions!

28. Either the editing, the tedious bit where you’re almost at the end but not quite, and trying to find lots of different ways to distinguish lots of main characters of the same gender!

29. Yes and no, I sometimes use song titles or little pieces of dialogue in the canon and/ or the fanfic itself - really varied story to story in my experience. Some are just more difficult than others, and go through various titles before settling on one.

30. ‘My Maude, My Viv.’

Thanks again, @hecatesbroom !

✍️ more fic writer asks!

reblog & your followers can send asks with the questions they’d like you to answer!

the last sentence you wrote

a character whose POV you’re currently exploring

how you feel about your current WIP

a story idea you haven’t written yet

first sentence of the fifth paragraph of an unpublished WIP

the word that appears the most in your current draft (wordcounter.net can tell you)

your preferred writing fonts

if you had to write a sequel to a fic, you’d write one for…

start to finish, how long did it take you to write the last fic you posted?

what is the longest amount of time you’ve let a draft rest before you finished it?

a WIP you’d like to finish someday

a trope you’re really into right now

a fandom you’re thinking about writing for

where do you get your inspiration?

favorite weather for writing

favorite place to write

talk about your writing and editing process

if you keep them, share a deleted sentence or paragraph from a published fic

the most interesting topic you’ve researched for a fic

in what year did you publish your first fic?

when did you publish your most recent fic?

do you ever worry about public reaction to what you’re writing? how do you get past that?

pick three keywords that describe your writing

how do you recharge when you’re not feeling creative?

besides writing, what are your other hobbies?

are you able to write with other people around?

your favorite part of the writing process

your least favorite part of the writing process

how easy is it for you to come up with titles?

share a fic you’re especially proud of

[automatismoateo]

I wish religious people could see the world from an objective point of view for just one day. via /r/atheism

I wish religious people could see the world from an objective point of view for just one day.

Especially missionaries and hardcore religious people make me sadder over time. I don’t mean any harm or wish anything bad for a single person, but I can’t express how much it would mean to me if religious people could just see the world objectively for a SINGLE day and make up their minds. (Yes, everyone would stop believing)

This has been on my mind for a few weeks now and today is the day my fuse actually caught on fire. I have been in a relationship with a christian girl – I know what you think, but I’m not here to discuss this. We have been together for six years now and I don’t love her religion, but her as a person and I really do not care much about future topics that *will* come up as long as there’s respect for each other’s beliefs. I am willing to end even this long relationship when that basis is no longer given.

**Skip the paragraphs in brackets if you don’t care about the personal backstory and only the stuff more relevant to this sub.**

[Anyways, the reason I am writing this specifically is music, though, I’m convinced you can apply this whole text to almost anything in life.

I enjoy listening to heavy music (what a stereotype of a non-believer for many narrow-minded people) and obviously that’s about the devil. Right? We all know that; well, at least religious people do. My girlfriend never liked it but accepted it and didn’t say a word about it up to this day. She listens to a LOT of worship music which I personally find totally horrible. Now, today she expressed her concerns about the fact I’m going to a Rammstein concert this summer. Stating the band is satanic, dark powers are present on their concerts and what not. Great thing is she’s on a 5-week trip at the moment and didn’t have the guts to talk about it *before* leaving. Yes, sub-optimal, I know, I know.

Anyone who has looked at their texts knows that’s bullshit and the truth is that they’re just often criticizing religion and society, for example. I just stated my point of view briefly and said we’re finishing that discussion when she’s back. Still, I was interested in where she got that “information” about the band being satanic, etc. so] I read up on some christian forums because my girlfriend expressed her feelings towards my lack of belief and DAMN why can’t these people just accept other points of view like we do in this community? We don’t have to get involved in their personal lives face to face or on the internet and tell them to stop believing, simply live and let live!

I normally don’t deal with religion more than necessary. I do enjoy learning about it to the extent that it contributes to understanding different points of view and also mine, but that’s it. Know your enemy, right? And what I read over the last couple of minutes really got my blood boiling. If everybody just keeps their business to themselves, I’m fine with different ideologies and world views, although you can’t truly deny science.

There are too many people who think everything that doesn’t fit in their belief system is satanic. They can’t explain it – so it must be wrong. They don’t know details – they judge. It isn’t what they were told by their parents or priests – it’s got to be the devil’s work. I know this isn’t a new thing, I just saw too much of that during the last weeks and needed to rant.

I see the problem on a personal level and don’t need relationship advice (also because I know what people here will say and I will sort this out for myself). I am just venting and thought some people in this awesome community cared about my thoughts :-)

Submitted June 06, 2023 at 12:00AM by p3rseusxy (From Reddit https://ift.tt/2UCwGyf)

[thickenmyblood]

hey maca :)) I have sth that I’d love to hear your input on! (wall of text incoming so beware- I’m absolutely not mad if you don’t want to answer lmao). Basically it’s about how you portray women in your works and to what extent you see that portrayal mirrored in the canon books. I have noticed that a lot of writers tend to go a traditional route with for example daughters not being heirs like you also mentioned in an answer for a wtsioa ask on here. Considering the cultures Vere and Akielos are based on that’s obviously very logical and a lot of authors (including you) make it work fantastically! Yet personally I never got the vibe of Vere and Akielos being as patriarchal in canon, mostly because the Information we get is kind of confusing. On one hand damen is a walking manosphere (and. all of Akielos in general as well) without any prominent female figures in his life but on the other hand damen only ever speaks appreciatively of for example the female vaskian warriors. Both countries seem to ban women from the army yet Damen also refers to a warrior queen. The regent is a total misogynist but with the wording Laurent uses it almost seems like that is more the exception and not the general rule of veretian court life. Both countries also have ties to Vask, an exclusive matriarchy and Akielos is said to be similar to Patras which Pacat has stated is also partly a strong matriarchy due to vaskian occupations in the past. I could go on for a lot longer but I guess that damens overall positive attitude towards women and especially stereotypically spoken masculine women is what sticks out the most to me. It just seems kind of misplaced in a world that supposedly is as sexist as the original cultures from our world. Which is why I’d say both countries do have gender roles but are overall a lot more egalitarian than their respective real world og cultures. But that’s only my take and I’d love to hear more on what others think about the portrayal of women in canon and how they chose to portray it in fanfiction. Love you and your new work, hope you’re doing well❤️

HELLO!!! Thank you for asking me interesting stuff :, ) you always have the best questions and my sad little inbox is open to you any time, friend. I divided this into parts, so:

My portrayal of women: I need to work on this a lot lmao. I’m not proud of any female character I have ever written for this fandom, and I’m also not proud to say I struggle horribly when it comes to writing female OCs, especially if the story is not about a female character that is a literal projection of me. Or Bella Swan (yes, Twilight literally shaped my sad little brain and the way I write and consume fiction).

Authors writing female characters in a “traditional” way (for fantasy settings): I can’t speak for other authors but I definitely think, in my case, that using the “it’s a patriarchal society, women have no rights, women can’t be heirs, etc.” blueprint is a matter of being lazy. It’s quick, and easy, and it’s been done before so we all know how it works and a) it’s unlikely that you’ll mess it up (in the plot hole kind of way) and b) it’s obvious that most readers know how the usual system works and so you don’t have to spend paragraphs or even chapters explaining it to them. I am very lazy when it comes to world-building for fics. Why? Because when I’m writing fanfiction I don’t give two shits about the world, I just care about the characters doing Things and having Feelings. The moment you start to question these issues (a society where women can join the army, where they can be heirs, where maybe they can have multiple husbands, etc.) a billion issues arise because it’s not the “usual way” and so you’ll have to deal with “unusual problems”. See: plot holes, info-dumping, etc.

Vere and Akielos in canon: I think the books get very, very confusing at times when it comes to gender roles in that specific world. They also get very confusing about how royalty works, in my opinion. So:

Damen never mentions female influences in his life, not even nannies or wetnurses or anything. He mentions past queens and his mother, but even then… It’s always struck me as “what the actual fuck” that we get no information on Egeria. In TSP, he doesn’t even read as curious to me, especially when I think of that line that goes something like “oh, well, he’d never asked how tall she was”.

Then you have Jokaste, who is highborn and also… perhaps trained in politics? It’s unclear to me if she’s ever been directly involved in meetings or been an active member of the Council or even been allowed to study these issues. Clearly, she’s smart and capable and cunning, but like… how? Did she have private tutors? Is she a self-made woman? Like, what’s up with that? Are women allowed to engage in public politics? Are they allowed to be kyroi?

IMO, Damen complimenting the female warriors in Vask has to do with how appreciative he is of war-related stuff. Like, he thinks people with his own qualities are neat. We see this time and time again in the books—having honor, being brave, respecting one’s family, protecting those who need protecting… He compliments these things when he sees them in others, especially in Laurent. Obviously one of the big changes in Damen as a character is that he goes from being daddy’s boy to being like “well, actually… maybe war isn’t always the answer, and maybe war isn’t always honorable”. The Vaskian warriors prove themselves worthy of praise in a “manly” way, if that makes sense. (In the same way, Laurent proves himself in the Okton, not so much to Damen but to other Akielons). So, in essence, War > Any issues he may have about women doing Stuff.

Don’t judge me for this but I can’t remember the Regent talking about women. Do you have any quotes about that? I feel like Book 1 is super rich when it comes to world-building stuff and yet it’s the book I remember the least. I know he obviously has a preference for boys and not girls, but I don’t recall him having interactions with Vannes or ladies at court? I’M SORRY I’M SO STUPID but I don’t own the book so I can’t exactly word search my way out of this one, and so instead of saying stupid stuff, I’m asking anyone reading this (lol, you and my mom probably) to please tell me what canon says on this issue.

Ties to Vask: Er, yeah, I mean… They’re clearly not at war with Vask and have some sort of economic deal (there are Vaskian pets in Arles? Which makes me wonder if they, like, buy them from Vask? Or if the pets are Vaskian and turn into pets in Vere? Slaves are not like pets so I don’t know?), BUT just because they have deals with this kingdom/are on good terms with the ruler does not mean they necessarily approve? Like, maybe they’re like “yeah, it’s weird they give women so much power, but also I need that silk/leather/WHATEVER, so I’ll shut up about that”.

“Akielos is said to be similar to Patras which Pacat has stated is also partly a strong matriarchy due to Vaskian occupations in the past.” Is this in the books or is this something she said in an interview/post-releasing the trilogy? I know in the books there’s a quote that Akielos and Patras are similar because they both have slaves, but other than that I can’t quite remember anything about Patras? Like, I don’t recall Pacat giving us extensive and thorough world-building on either nation, at all. Once again, I am asking you for more explanations on this because I literally don’t remember.

4. My opinion and a Stupidity Disclaimer: As I’ve said above, there’s a lot of stuff I don’t remember and so I’m not trying to preach to anyone reading this or even saying that I hold the truth about… anything. I’m answering questions as I see fit and asking more questions when I run out of answers.

I believe world-building is not one of Captive Prince’s strong points. I will not elaborate on this because this is already long enough but there is simply, in my opinion, not enough material to reach any solid conclusions when it comes to world-building questions such as the role of women in Vere and Akielos, how compulsory homosexuality affects the development of highborn men and women in Vere, exactly what makes Akielos’ view on women different from Vere’s (if there’s any difference at all), the history of gender roles in this world and how it’s evolved up until canon, how Lamen can solve the heir issue without recurring to, once again, “the usual stuff” (concubines, bastards, marriage to women, etc.). It’s clear from what I’ve read that Pacat has come a long way as a writer and that her new trilogy has a lot more in-depth explanations to world-building questions, but this is not the case with CP, and so I’m afraid my answer to most of this is “I don’t know, and I don’t think anyone can know for sure”.

Lastly, I think I struggle a lot with understanding the role of women in this universe because I simply did not see enough women doing stuff, so I don’t know what’s permitted, what’s unacceptable, what’s illegal, what is straight-up execution worthy, etc. This is not me complaining about the lack of female characters in CP, at all, which I know is contradictory to stuff I’ve said in the past (I answered a couple asks a year ago about how I’d wished we’d gotten Vannes’ POV or Jokaste’s POV in the short stories). I’ve changed my mind, and so I think Pacat is entitled to write whatever she wants, just like I’m entitled to talk shit about KR with any living soul who will listen lmao.

To end this on a spicy note, I think sometimes we consume the wrong media and then complain because it doesn’t have what we wanted. If you’re looking for a trilogy with strong, fleshed-out female characters, Captive Prince is not for you. If you’re looking for a trilogy on female struggles and, I don’t know, defying… the male gaze… Captive Prince is not for you. There are plenty of books out there that focus exclusively on female characters, featuring sapphic relationships, and dealing with gender issues. WHICH IS NOT TO SAY WE SHOULDN’T BE HAVING THESE DISCUSSIONS. This is not about this particular question, but more about a lot of posts I’ve seen floating around… complaining about Pacat’s writing and the themes she didn’t explore.

If anyone has made it this far, thank you for reading, and know this is NOT me telling you what to think. This post is an open question that anyone can engage with, although I hope people will engage with this directly and on this platform, instead of… taking it somewhere else where I sadly can’t engage back! Unlike what happened with our awesome fat Laurent discussion, I will be replying to any questions I get on this (Note: I did not reply to most of those questions because a long time had passed and they were sort of repetitive).

[hopefulobjectmiracle]

A quick analysis of the puppy scene in 3x15, because my OTP is perfect.

This is honestly just a whole lot of gushing and flailing, tbh. Because Kurt and Blaine and their relationship are wonderful and I love them so, so much. So much so that I can write paragraphs on a scene that is barely one minute long. 

This somehow ended up being much longer than I intended, oops. Hope you enjoy it :)

We start off this scene with Blaine alone at his locker, presumably putting away his belongings from his last class, and you can still see Kurt’s ‘Gay-diddy-gay-gay-gay’ class council election poster on the inside of Blaine’s locker, even months after Kurt lost the election. But Blaine still keeps it up, because he loves Kurt, and if he had it his way, Kurt would win everything. Awww. He appears to be deep in thought, and when Kurt hides behind Blaine’s locker, speaking in the world’s most adorably terrible British accent, it startles Blaine for a second.

And man, does that make me sad. This is a kid that has been bullied, undoubtedly shoved into lockers and pushed here and there just like Kurt was. He hears an unfamiliar voice and immediately flinches back in fear, expecting the worst. 

But it isn’t the worst - it’s the best. Because it’s Kurt, the person Blaine loves more than anything, hiding behind the locker, and it’s Kurt speaking in that cute-ass accent holding a stuffed puppy in front of his face. 

(Side note - I once read that Chris Colfer improvised the dialogue and accent of this scene, as well as coming up with the name for the puppy, which totally checks out since Chris is a huge Anglophile.)

And as soon as Blaine recognizes his boyfriend, his face breaks out into the sunniest smile, and he does his signature “Kurt-made-me-laugh” move, the blushy head-duck (see here for reference). 

Kurt also looks similarly delighted to see Blaine, because Blaine is lovely and Kurt loves him so, so much, and because he’s also excited to show Blaine the gift he got him and help Blaine out with his problems. Kurt really loves Blaine, y’all. He looks so damn proud of the stuffed animal he got for him and equally proud of his own ability to make Blaine laugh with his clever puns. 

Kurt goes on to explain that Finn won the stuffed puppy while out at the amusement park for Senior Skip Day, along with thirteen others for Rachel, and as soon as he says this, Blaine nods along as if to say - oh, of course, that Rachel - because Blaine is considerate as hell and knows his friends very well. And in honest-to-god Kurt fashion, bb stole the puppy from his brother, because Kurt is the definition of Be Gay, Do Crime, and he also recognizes that Rachel does not need 14 different stuffed animals. 

He pouts a little right then, telling Blaine that he wanted to give it to him so that Blaine would have something, since Kurt wasn’t able to convince Blaine to go with them on the field trip. I wonder how that conversation went. 

Also, pouty Kurt is fucking adorable. Protect him at all costs.

Blaine is melancholy again, telling Kurt that he would have just brought the mood down for the group. And when Blaine says this? Kurt stops beating around the bush and gets straight to the point. 

Sweetly stroking the stuffed puppy, Kurt tells Blaine that he understands him. That he gets that family problems are hard, because they’re hard for him too. He uses himself as an example to try and get his point across to Blaine more effectively, and mentions that he and Finn disagree on nearly everything, but at the end of the day, they love one another and are always there for one another despite their differences. 

I’m also getting so many brotherly Furt feelings from Kurt referring to Finn as “the big lug” and talking about how much he loves him. Ugh. I also cry at the line where Kurt tells Blaine that he only has one brother and shouldn’t give up on that, given what happens to Finn. I wish we’d gotten more of that relationship in canon before Cory’s untimely passing, because they clearly had so much love for one another, both on-screen and off.

Anyway, Kurt sees the love he has with his brother and wants Blaine to be able to experience the same thing, because he loves Blaine so, so much and he thinks that Blaine deserves everything great in this world. He also brings back the cute-ass accent, and upon seeing Blaine look upset, bumps Margaret Thatcher Dog against Blaine’s cheek to get him to smile again - which Blaine absolutely does; his face is bright and sunny again because of Kurt’s silliness. Awww. 

Kurt tells Blaine never to give up, and Blaine indignantly responds that Cooper is the one who is leaving for a big audition. Kurt pauses, and tells Blaine that Cooper hasn’t actually left him yet. He says that Cooper is waiting in the auditorium, hoping that Blaine will come and talk to him and make things right. This line very strongly implies that Kurt and Cooper coordinated this, and that Kurt made an effort of talking to Cooper to try and arrange a meeting with Blaine - because in a matter of mere days, Kurt was able to glean how important their relationship was to Blaine and wanted to do everything he could to fix it. Give him all the boyfriend awards, folks.

I’m kidding. Please don’t start the Better Boyfriend Olympics again, lol.

Blaine huffs out that talking doesn’t actually work with Cooper, and that he’s tried it to no avail. And Kurt just nods knowingly, as if he was aware that Blaine would say that. And though it isn’t explicitly mentioned, I bet he did know. He then goes on to say that perhaps talking isn’t the best answer for Blaine. Maybe there’s something else, a better method of communicating his feelings that would work more for Blaine. 

Okay. You know what this reminds me of? Flash back a year, to Silly Love Songs. This is (perhaps unintentionally) a direct callback to 2x12. Back when Blaine was still crushing on someone who is not Kurt, he said this to the Warblers about his idea to serenade Jeremiah. 

Blaine (2011): I'm not really good at talking about my feelings. I'm much better at singing them.

And here are Kurt’s words, from more than a year later. 

Kurt (2012): Maybe talking is not the answer. Maybe you need to show him how you really feel in the best, most honest way you know how. 

Can I just stop right here and squeal a little bit? Because Kurt knows his boyfriend so, so well. He remembers the things that Blaine tells him, even things from over a year ago. He holds onto this key piece of information about Blaine, because Blaine is important to him and the things he tells Kurt are worth remembering. And here, in this scene, he puts his memory to good use to try and remind Blaine of his most effective and heartfelt form of communication so that he can help Blaine mend fences with his brother. 

GIVE HIM THE BOYFRIEND AWARDS, FOLKS!

Kurt is so, supportive of Blaine and just wants the best for him, and it just boggles my mind when people claim that Kurt didn’t love Blaine as much as Blaine loved him, because from even short simple scenes like this one, anyone can tell that it isn’t true. 

After listening to Kurt, Blaine stops, and for the first time, genuinely considers it. Prior to this, all of Cooper’s attempts at talking couldn’t get through to him. Blaine still felt the jealousy and resentment from all those years growing up. But after hearing Kurt’s advice, he puts that aside and realizes that some things, like family, are more important, and so he makes that decision to go see his brother and try and express his feelings in a different way. 

Blaine turns to go meet Cooper, and Kurt watches him go, looking so damn proud of his boyfriend and so, so hopeful...

Y’all know what happens next. Blaine and Cooper, a pair of brothers, sing a breakup song. Yet somehow, it works. Singing manages to communicate all of those emotions that were suppressed before, and opens the doors for real conversation between the two of them. They do successfully patch things up, with Cooper finally recognizing Blaine’s talent and Blaine trying to support Cooper in future endeavors. They are on a path to a close relationship, which is all both of them had ever really wanted in the first place. 

And if not for Kurt’s advice, this may not have happened. Y’all heard that right - Kurt Hummel helped Blaine patch things up with a member of his family because he knew how important it was to Blaine, and he knew how badly Blaine wanted this even if Blaine didn’t let it show. From all the bits and pieces of information we’ve gathered over the years about Blaine’s family, they don’t appear to be all that close, which is why it’s even more important for Blaine that he is able to reconcile with his brother.

(For more of my thoughts on Blaine’s family, feel free to check out this analysis of mine. Yeah, this is a shameless self promo. Deal with it.)

So...what was the point of this analysis? I’m not quite sure. I suppose I just had a lot of feelings about Blaine, Klaine, family, and the way that Kurt shows love. Like I’ve said millions of times, just because Kurt is more subtle in the way that he shows love to Blaine, doesn’t mean that it’s any less powerful. Scenes like this, in which he handpicks Blaine’s own words and uses them to push Blaine towards something he was too afraid to admit he really wanted? Kurt helping reconcile Blaine with his family? This is Klaine at its best, and scenes like this are why I will always, always ship this couple. 

Kurt and Blaine are incredible, y’all. 

Peace. 

[foxgirltail]

Massive Tl;dr: build a support network and seek after things that bring you happiness and euphoria. I love you.

Firstly, I am by no means an expert, I am a trans woman speaking to my experiences and those of other trans people I've talked with. I also have more experience with social transition than medical and no personal experience with surgery other than stuff I've read online. Other people may have more advice to add in those categories, and please feel free to if you so wish.

Putting all of my experience on the table so people can decide if I'm worth listening to about various topics: I've known I was some flavor of trans for nearly 9 years now (Jesus that's longer than I thought), I first actively came out to someone in real life 6ish years ago, I started hrt this month (in fact you may have seen an anon sent to the op of this post that was about me starting it)

This got extremely long, I tried to provide advice for many different potential life situations, so I apologize if this is a little overwhelming. Don't feel bad if it is. Remember, life is not a race, it's ok to take things slowly, and you don't have to do anything you don't want to.

I likely did not account for every possible situation as I am 25 years old, a white USAmerican who was raised Mormon, in Utah, (I am thankfully neither Mormon nor living in Utah as I am writing this) with a bachelor's degree and middle class parents who are at least slightly accepting of my trans status, I additionally apologize if nothing I say applies to you.

I tried to keep my paragraphs relevant to a single topic, so if the start of a paragraph doesn't apply to you, you can probably skip it. I also mostly sorted the paragraphs into social and medical transition. I start by discussing social stuff in paragraph 1 where I start counting (denoted below), discussions of medical transition start at paragraph 10. I do a conclusion/wrap up starting at paragraph 12. Paragraph counting does not include bulletpoints.

And, while I am speaking as a trans woman to people who are questioning or newly trans women, a lot of the advice will likely still apply if you are a questioning or newly trans man or nonbinary person. Some real life examples and mentioned surgery options may not, but I tried to be fairly gender neutral where I could be. Some of the advice may also be relevant to people who have known for a while but have not started certain aspects of their transition.

Last thing before we begin, the first couple of paragraphs below the cut discuss existing in an unsafe/abusive environment and could be triggering to some. If it would be upsetting to read this part of the discussion I recommend skipping to paragraph 6. There is also a large, standalone "end trigger warning" paragraph above paragraph 6. (I feel like the 1st and 5th paragraphs are the mildest - and apply to the broadest set of people - and the topics get heavier moving towards paragraph 3, if more detail changes how much you decide to read).

Paragraph counting starts here:

A lot depends on how safe you feel being out in your physical environment, if its not safe for you to be out irl, start in online only places. Change your Tumblr bio to have your pronouns and name, make a post about it, tell mutuals about it, etc. (Being out to people online kept me sane when I couldn't be out in real life).

Hell, even things like referring to yourself with your chosen name and pronouns mentally or writing stuff down in a private notebook can be an improvement if you're worried about, say, family or partner tracking your online activity/going through your phone or you don't have friends online you feel safe coming out to.

If you don't have online friends you trust, there are plenty of places you can go to make them (live chats of LGBT+ streamers, discords, subreddits, tumblr circles, etc). (Even if you do have online friends you can trust, I recommend getting friends who are also your specific flavor of trans, they will likely be more understanding and supportive AND have relevant advice to share, this can be useful even if all your cis online friends are supportive, they just won't always have experiences that reflect yours or fully understand your needs). If someone (family, significant other) spies on your phone, there are apps that can pretend to be something else or lock people out (I have been unable to find these apps through Tumblr search, but I know they're out there if you or a friend you trust can look for them. I hope one day you are safe and will no longer need them), as well as private browsers which do not save browsing data. (I don't know if isps/cellular providers would provide private browsing data to anyone other than a cop or fed, if you are in a situation where that is a fear I am terribly sorry. I hope you can get out soon.) Many libraries will let you use their computers and internet as well (this applies to libraries at schools you attend as well), if needs be.

If you're still a minor/in grade school, I promise things get better when you turn 18/graduate/can move out. If you are a minor and your parents are shitty, get out of there as soon as you can. (Although my parents have been better about my transition than I thought when I first realized I was trans, moving a few hours away from them when I went to college was lifesaving - the improvements to your life you will see when you no longer live under their roof and they cannot drop by without warning cannot be overstated). Normally I recommend at least trying to graduate high school, but if you absolutely must get away before then, look into getting your GED or joining a trade school. Really any sort of education certificate will open more doors for you than not having anything at all.

If you do not feel safe being out/transitioning in your current physical location, work towards changing that. This can be done by having or making supportive friends and family, cutting people off, joining a support group, getting a new job, moving, or other things I haven't thought of. As some real life examples:

I moved out of Utah at least in part so I could feel safer transitioning.

I have a friend who quit their stable job of several years to pursue transitioning.

I know several people who went radio silent with family years ago or broke up with partners because they were not/would not be supportive of their transition)

End trigger warning

If you do feel safe coming out in real life, start by telling some trusted friends (rather than say, a post Instagram/Facebook where everyone you've ever met can see it), purchase some clothes, accessories, makeup, etc. that make you happy and wear them places you feel safe doing so. Expand from there: tell more people, go places that you're a little nervous going while dressed up but wouldn't be explicitly unsafe, and so on. If you do encounter someone who reacts poorly to you coming out, don't feel bad about cutting them off - even if it's family - there are billions of people who will accept you for you, don't waste your time on someone who won't.

Look into voice training courses if that interests you. Many are online and can be done at home. It is absolutely not necessary and many people will love you regardless, but if it's a major source of dysphoria it can be helpful to seek it out

Look into what it would take to get your name legally changed in your area, pursue this if it interests you. It is also not necessary if you do not want it.

Don't over exert yourself, some people try to go all in on social transitioning all at once and get burnt out, if you don't have the energy to do something regularly (or at all), don't feel pressured to. (As examples: voice training doesn't interest me enough for me to pursue it, so I don't; and while I enjoy wearing some makeup sometimes, doing it every day is too much for me, so I save it for special occasions) The goal is happiness, if something is not making you happy it is ok to drop it or do something else.

Research medical transitions that interest you, as well as places where you can acquire them and what requirements for these treatments those places have. (This is good to do even if you can't pursue them yet) Some locations will have informed consent clinics for hrt nearby. There's also grey market/diy hrt if you can't find a local doctor that will prescribe you things (or don't want to jump through bullshit hoops that doctors that don't do informed consent may want you to jump through).

If you want (or will want) surgeries, look into nearby doctors and waiting lists (there is unfortunately almost always a waiting list) as well as "requirements to join a waiting list", such as permanent hair removal in specific locations, which can take time and may need to be done before you can even join a waiting list. There are also lots of different options for bottom surgeries, you can get basically anything you want added, altered, or removed, even exclusively (like an orchiectomy, which removes the balls but preserves the sack and the shaft), additionally you can have both a penis and a vagina, or you can even have neither! Besides bottom surgery there's other surgeries that you can get: facial feminization surgery, adams apple reductions, breast augmentation, and likely others. There is no medical treatment that you absolutely have to get to transition; if you don't think a procedure is for you, you don't have to get it.

And finally, don't worry about changing your mind about anything. A good support network will support you even if you change your name or pronouns again and again and again, if some aspect of transitioning stops being appealing when it previously was, or if you decide you want to pursue something that previously didn't interest you. While surgeries and some aspects of hrt may require surgery to revert, a lot of things are not at all permanent, you can just stop doing it (imo more things are permanent for masculinizing hrt, sorry trans men)

Some examples, all of these are fully valid behaviors that will ideally be supported by your support network of choice:

I know of trans women who, after being on hrt for years, got breast augmentation surgery because the size wasn't right for them (I have seen both reductions and enhancements this way)

I know of people who have started hrt and stopped a few months later because they realized it wasn't for them.

I know of people who have started hrt and stopped because they were in a place that made them happy, and didn't want more changes

I know of trans women who dropped out of bottom surgery waiting lists because they decided they wanted to keep it or wanted something more customized.

I know of trans women who are fully content having just told their social circle their name and pronouns and don't want to change anything else

So, to reiterate, being trans is about seeking after what brings you joy. If you think something will improve your life, do it! (or at least do actual research into it). If, after looking into or experimenting with something, you decide it is not for you, feel free to drop it and move on. If you feel you are stagnating, try something new! Look for a new style of clothes, a new haircut, tattoos, piercings; a new step that interests you and you think will make you happy! The hardest thing is definitely the first step, but you cannot become who you want to be without taking it.

And, considering you, anon, specifically sent this ask to Miss isuggestforcefem, I fully endorse taking (or at least strongly considering) taking the step she initially mentioned: estrogen

- signed, a trans girl who recently took some important steps to move forward after stagnating for a long time

I may not know you, but I love you! I promise!

What’s your best starting tip for making your inner sad boy into a beautiful girl

Estrogen.

[washymylifeaway]

Haikyuu fanfic recs for ones I liked hehe

EDIT: I made a pt 2

Anyway, as the title suggests, I am recommending some fanfics for popular(ish) ships that I personally really enjoyed! I’m only doing one or two fics per ship (which in hindsight is KILLING me so I’m just putting the first fics I find and am like I really liked that one LOL) because I wanted to do a shorter fic rec list (tho watch this become super long LOL). I also may or may not be procrastinating finishing a couple other long posts, so there’s that hehe. For the (kinda but not really) public consensus for best fics per ship (by kudo count) check out some of my other posts. Also I’m putting some ships I don’t actually read much of (OOPS LOL) so if you think that there’s a fic that fits my type (if I even have a consistent type) better, pls tell me LOL. Otherwise, pls continue heh :)

As always, pls check WARNINGS, TAGS, and SUMMARIES for fics before reading to make sure you’re taking care of yourselves (since mental health is key!) and stay healthy!

IwaOI:

The Loyalty of a Traitor by DeathBelle (E) 76.9k // ok so does me liking this fic make me basic cause I feel basic LOL. I really love mafia fics, and the way the story line developed was SO good, like IN LOVE with this story. This is a fic where you should read WARNINGS, TAGS, and SUMMARY before diving in, but if the length scares you, don’t be. It’s so easy to fall in and get lost in the writing!

the courtship ritual of the hercules beetle by kittebasu (chanyeol) (T) 66.3k // again, basic? Probably LOL but it’s good so I have no shame ;) Again, pls don’t let the word count scare you (cause it scared me LOL), you get really into it after like 2 paragraphs, so just make sure you have enough time to finish hehe.

KuroKen:

Thicker Than Blood by kylar (M) 91.4k // are you surprised that there is another mafia one? You really shouldn’t be LOL. Anyway, I’ll just be here pushing my mafia fanfic agenda while you read this monster of a fic hehe :) Definitely read WARNINGS, TAGS, and SUMMARY because there is some very sensitive topics involved! I also adore the oibokuroo friendship headcannon, so more reasons to read, right?

Liked, Commented and Subscribed by Royal Society of Pandas (Abarcelos) (T) 45.7k // this fic is SO funny omg. I read it and I had to stop so many times just to laugh because I could not stop sometimes LOL. However, there IS angst towards the end, it gets resolved, but it’s still there... But honestly, it just adds such depth and flavor to the fic, so pls read it!

BokuAka:

bang! now we're even by Authoress (M) 11.9k // so I’ll be honest, I don’t read a lot of BokuAka (...oops?) and so I wouldn’t consider myself as the best person to be recommending fics for this ship (in general too LOL).... ANyway, I love myself some good spy AUs (was gonna put that IwaOi spy AU but the LIMIT), and Akaashi in a dress? Like the tags might state, what more do you need? The characters are done beautifully, and the story development is SO good, so I give you all my humble BokuAka rec.

Crisis Converted by valiantarmor (M) 60k // man do I really love fighting in my fics LOL. This was super good and the plot itself kept me really engaged (what a twist omg). It does talk a bit about mental health issues, but it’s done so well, and they really did this AU justice!

DaiSuga:

How to Manage by SuggestiveScribe (E) 39.3k // ok so yea yea we established, I’m basic, BUT can you blame me? This might’ve been one of the first DaiSuga’s I’ve read and I have no regrets. Literally, this fic series is one of my favorites, so OF COURSE I had to add it somewhere :D Honestly, I don’t even think you need to read the first one to understand what’s going on, but I would just cause it has some funny DaiSuga moments too ;) This is explicit for PWP, so proceed with caution~~

Add New Contact by booksong (G) 8.5k // this one! It’s so cute and poor Daichi LOL. He really out here doing the most,,, Anyway, we love tech Suga, and a nice dash of snarky tsukki (LOL is he salt, yes yes he is). It’s very fluff and pine, so if you want to read Daichi having gay panic like 24/7, go right ahead LOL. 

SakuAtsu:

Burden of Blame by DeathBelle (E) 91.2k // ummmm, haha what, another mafia AU? Me, predictable? Noooo, never..... Anyway, this one was so freakin’ good like, love it so much! It’s one of my favorite mafia AU fics, and I love the story line progression. Poor Atsumu being dragged into this mess, but it’s okay because THEY are IN LOVE. Honestly, this fic is Atsumu best boy like he is the best boy. BEST BOY.

Notte Stellata by awkwardedgeworth (T) 20.9k // I ignored all of the other fics I LOVE in this ship (like the pain I’m in rn), but I love this fic with my whole heart. Like I have reread this fic multiple multiple times because I love it so much (tho I might’ve skipped the angst a couple of times cause I didn’t want the pain okay?). I keep coming back, and the second fic in this series is SO funny and cute and I love it here. Please read it, it’s so FREAKING good, angst and ALL.

KyouHaba:

Team Mom by All_My_Characters_Are_Dead (T) 2.7k // so as I was going through this tag (because that’s what I do LOL), I remembered this fic and I love it. Like yes Yahaba is the fear factor and yes Kyoutani is the DAD. I really like the team dynamics in this one, and the first years make me laugh pls.

Camellias by kiyala (T) 1.9k // IK you’re all like, you’re missing such great fics, like no I’m not I just made myself hate myself by limiting fics to two per,,, I love this fic and when I starting looking for this ship, it was the first one I thought of hehe. I really love magic and their interactions are so cute and the PLANTS ARE DOING THE MOST. Pls read both in the series, cause domestic KyouHaba is best KyouHaba ngl LOL. I love the plants, and if you read the second one, someone tell the trees to stop bullying Yahaba.

MatsuHana:

This gets annoying fast, Makki by Ink_stained_quills (G) 2.3k // IM IN LOVE WITH THIS FIC PLS I COULD NOT STOP CRYING TEARS OF LAUGHTER. This AU needs more fics PLEASE. It was SO freakin’ funny and the other teams KILLED ME. Like how they all approached the problem differently and how some of them (KUROO) asked for help LOL. Please this is so freaking funny go read it.

boiled frogs by reginagalaxia (E) 91.5k // I told myself I was gonna put my most angsty fics on another post (which I will for my other favorite MatsuHana angst fic which I love), but this fic. Omg I saw it and I was like I have to. Literally I have to. I hate angst, but read it. It, the, plot, omg, I jjfnsfknalkjdnf ljksan. Like I’m not sure you understand. This fic. asjfjfsadnldjb. I never thought I could hate a character SO MUCH,,,, like SO MUCH. READ TAGS, WARNINGS, AND SUMMARIES because some serious stuff really goes down. Bless Iwa-chan.

SunaOsa:

Accidentally in Love by pancake_surprise (T) 19.6k // JOSE CUERVO strikes. I love this fic and all the chaos in it. The way they were supposed to be the responsible couple (of friends LOL),,, sike. This one is only a slight angst and it’s mostly love and fun :) Also technically this is no longer the first fic in the series, but I’m still putting this one cause the other one is SakuAtsu orientated hehe :)

Spring Secrets by DeathBelle (T) 3.8k // Seasons might be one of my favorite (as all things also seem to be) series of all times. I don’t like rerecommending fics I’ve already said to read, which is why I’m not yelling at you to go read a certain other fic (which is my life and blood). Anyway, this fic series is all fluff barely angst (maybe that’s why I like it) but it’s so freakin good pls read it all ahhhhhh.

Komori/Suna (what is their ship name):

I wish to live in a world by hatsuna (T) 24.8k // ok ngl this fic was so sad and relatable? Like I was like wtf why are you making me cry rn even though like I shouldn’t be? My heart? Pain. (Hotel? Trivago.) Technically, this is END GAME but the main pairing is kinda SakuAtsu???? Something of the sort, but also their relationship (Komori and Sakusa) is written so well and idk guys I think you need to read this fic rn.

Ah the two fic limit hurt me, but fear not I am making ship specific rec posts (LOL I’m so dramatic), so if you wanted more of a ship,,,, its a coming hehe. And yes I did say I’m making an angsty fic rec post, but we’ll see if it gets finished before I side-track with posts like these LOL.

[robotslenderman]

So I've had a couple of friends say that they wished they could edit like I do, so I thought I'd write stuff on how, exactly, I write. This is just a basic overview but I might go into more detail later about some of the stuff, especially if anyone is interested.

(This is not me saying that my way of writing is the One True Way. Personally I've never heard of anyone else writing first drafts in dot points like I do.)

A lot of people think editing is the same thing as proofreading, so instead of taking a step back and looking at their novel in a zoomed out state, they're going through getting rid of typos and rewriting sentences instead. Which is a vital part of editing, but is actually a very minor part of it.

The core of my editing method is this: you need to be able to summarise your story and its themes in less space than you have available to you in a tweet. Learn to boil your story down and only then can you zoom out.

Is that hard? Yes, if you never learned how to do it.

Will it absolutely transform your ability to make your stories what you want them to be? Also yes. Much like an artist doesn’t spend the whole time zoomed in to their piece, a writer shouldn’t either.

My process:

I (usually) write the first draft in dot points. Nothing more than cursory research, lots of [notes in bolded brackets], it’s all a rush.

I let it sit for several months.

I come back and, before rereading, make at least two summaries -- a sentence-long summary, and a paragraph-long summary.

I write down what themes I can remember.

I reread the story. For every scene I read, I write a summary of it on a note card and jot down any themes I see in the scene. I also copy-paste each scene into a separate Scrivener sub-file, for easy rearranging later. I do not edit; I write notes to myself in the actual writing so that future me can see my ideas and do the actual editing for me. This includes continuity notes/errors, places where I need to do research, etc.

I lay out the note cards in chronological order and essentially make them justify their place in my story. This is where I rearrange scenes, make notes on continuity or adjustments I have to make due to the rearranging, and also write notes on what potential the scene has in relation to my summaries/themes for later.

The second draft is a complete rewrite, and what most people would consider a first draft. Even when I don’t write my actual first draft in dot points, I still do this step.

Let it sit again. (Up until recently I’d write the second draft, do the proofreading immediately afterwards, then publish immediately afterwards. No longer doing that.)

Now is time for the classic editing as people know it — this is where I polish sentences, flesh out the bits I’ve been procrastinating up until now that I can’t justify removing entirely, and get rid of typos. This third draft is the one I send off to the beta; this is the stage where I start publishing as I go along.

LET IT SIT. AGAIN.

Final edit & proofreading. This edit focuses on cutting and condensing as much as possible, because I never shut the fuck up. This streamlines the story, makes it easy for people to follow and maintain their attention, and stops it from dragging. (I have written doorstoppers before. If you fuck them up they ABSOLUTELY drag.)

BOOM THERE'S A FIC!

Can go into detail about more of these points if anyone wants/if I feel like it. For now I'm just leaving this overview here.

[peachhyychenle]

bloom bloom, heart | h.rj

'bloom bloom pow! the moment i met you, i felt like i'd explode. my heart fluttered. i hope it's not a dream' - bloom bloom, the boyz

pairing: florist!renjun x reader

genre: fluff

word count: 1.6k

for the nostalgic melodies event hosted by @knet-bakery

playlist: bloom bloom the boyz, life still goes on nct dream, dive into you nct dream, cherry kisses chungha

a/n: my first fic for an event!! i hope you all enjoy this as much as i enjoyed writing it. also,, go check out everyone else that participated in the event!! oh, i also haven't had the time to proof-read this so, sorry lmao.

summary: flowers held many different meanings, and renjun loved that. from giving someone a baby's breath to giving them peonies, he loved how up front the message was, yet how hidden it was to someone that didn't understand their true meanings. You had always adored flowers, the colours, the scents, the meanings. And so, every week, you would go into Floral Dreams, to buy new flowers to draw, however Renjun would always throw in additional flowers to express his ever-growing crush on you, unbeknownst to him you understood every word.

If you had told Renjun this time last year he would be working part time as a florist, he would've simply laughed. But yet here he is, adorning a black apron, rearranging the plants in the display cabinet.

Floral Dreams was a great place for Renjun. It was never too busy, it was a five minute walk to his apartment and, thanks to Donghyuck, he has learned far more about flowers in the past month than he has learned about art history at his uni classes. He would never admit it to him, but Renjun was intrigued by the meanings each flower held.

From the bluebell to the yellow carnation, every flower held a different meaning. At first, Renjun couldn't care less. They were just flowers after all, their only job to him was to sit and look pretty. However the longer he spent in the floristry, the more his curiosity and his passion grew.

And now here he was, currently wiping down the counter he had just used to arrange a bouquet for somebody's birthday.

As he returned behind the till, the soft chime of the shop door bell rang. He glanced over and locked eyes with you. You seemed to be a regular. always popping in on a Wednesday afternoon, no matter the weather, to buy different pre-made bouquets. At first, Renjun found it odd how you would only buy one particular colour palette of flowers or even just a singular flower, however as you came in more often than not with a camera bag over your shoulder along with a sketchbook poking out the top of the tote bag you carried, it started becoming clear why you would buy them.

His current theories are that you are an artist that just really liked to paint flowers (specifically pink and yellow varieties) or you're a plant mum that just has an apartment filled to the brim with colourful flowers and plants.

His first hunch was correct.

A few months ago, you had moved into Neo City in order to attend the local university and study fine art. It was an interesting place for sure. It was a quaint town yet there was always something going on, whether it be different celebrations for certain holidays or events, to small annual carnivals and parades that would happen.

During your first week of moving in, you had explored the town centre, natural curiosity getting the better of you. That was when you stumbled upon Floral Dreams. The forest green painting on the window frames along with several broad leafed plants sat outside the shop, charmed you.

You remember when you first met Renjun. It was a rainy Wednesday about a month after you had moved. Your classes had just finished and you decided to buy a small bouquet. Something to brighten your dreary dorm room. And so you headed to Floral Dreams. When you stepped into the shop, instead of the cheery greeting you would usually get from Donghyuck, you found that he was busy talking to another guy, Renjun.

Both boys had briefly glanced towards the door, with Donghyuck giving a small wave, whilst the other boy shot you a smile. He was cute.

Returning the wave with your own, you continued into the shop, looking at all the flowers, taking in their colours and scents. Five minutes had gone by and you had chosen all the flowers you had wanted and walked up to the counter to place your order.

You rang the small bell placed on the countertop and after a few seconds, the new guy from earlier emerged from the back room and properly greeted and introduced himself, Renjun.

To say he was pretty was an understatement. He had a soft smile, kind eyes and long hair which made him look ethereal. His voice was melodic. So melodic that you only snapped back to reality halfway through his sentence.

You purchased the flowers and had another look around the empty shop, this time to admire the blossoming flowers. Back at the counter, Renjun would glance at you, whilst he wrapped the bouquet, his mind thinking about your smile and vibe whilst his hands carefully wrapped the bouquet up.

When he was finished, he rang the desk bell to catch your attention. He handed you the flowers and you were on your way. Not before turning back to Renjun and shooting him one last smile with a cheerful goodbye.

From the moment you walked in, Renjun knew his heart had exploded and his slightly dull world would never be the same again.

Week after week you would come back to the shop. It was always at 4pm and it was always an hour into Renjun's shift. You guys had managed to acquaint yourselves and make small talk, with the weather and how both of you had been, being the usual topic of choice.

Today Renjun was determined to make a move. Whether it was changing the topic to be something more in depth, or giving his number to you, he was definitely going to do something. And so when you walked up to the counter to place your order, Renjun made his move. He asked the question that had been on his mind. Why in the heavens did you buy so many flowers? The laughter that followed made Renjun's heart flutter, it was beautiful.

You then proceeded to explain the reason you moved and why almost all the store's sales were from you. Upon hearing that you went to the same university he did, Renjun was enthralled and began talking about his passion for art and the history behind famous pieces.

Much to his dismay, his hands had a mind of their own, and had wrapped up your selected bouquet far too quickly for his liking. Just as you were about to grab the bouquet, Renjun let out a 'wait!' which made you pause.

He ran into the back room and came out a moment later with some ribbon along with a couple of gardenias and blue salvias. 'It'll make the bouquet look amazing, trust me' he said with that smile you had fallen for.

Once he was done, you took the flowers, bid him adieu and left, ready to take photographs of this masterpiece.

As soon as you left, Renjun let out a sigh of content and his heart started to calm down. He had a crazy idea to use what he had learned from Donghyuck, and to confess to you in the form of flowers.

It was a bold move, one that made him feel happy with himself.

Over the next couple of months the same routine would occur. You arrived, picked out flowers, ordered the bouquet, Renjun would wrap them up, you would take them, then leave.

However, as time went on, you began noticing flowers that you hadn't picked out.

For example, you had ordered a bouquet with mainly red flowers, with a couple of white ones to make it more visually appealing, however you don't really remember picking up the white camellia. Or that time you noticed a couple of yellow jasmines mixed with your sunflowers.

You eventually thought of looking up what these flowers meant. You knew one of your old high school flowers loved gardening and would often talk about flower meanings, but you had never paid any mind to them. Oh how you wish you had.

And so that's how you spent the evening on different websites looking at different meanings for all the flowers you could remember buying, and the definitions.

The morning after, you had a brilliant idea.

That next week, you came in at the usual time with a list on your phone of all the flowers you had never actually bought. You suspected that a certain someone kept slipping different flowers into your bouquet, which was actually quite sweet to you, however you were going to surprise him.

You picked out various flowers that were composed for a yellow, blue and white theme. You included the yellow jasmines and gardenias, along with the white camellias and blue salvias. Additional flowers were added and made a stunning bouquet, the best you had imagined yet.

For how quiet the shop was, your heart was thumping a lot louder than usual, despite this you walked to the till with a small smile. The normal routine went on, Renjun making conversation with you. The topic for today was conspiracies and aliens, which would usually be quite interesting to you, but your mind was in a different place.

Just as Renjun was tying the last ribbon up, a 'wait!' escaped your lips. A slightly startled Renjun paused to look at you. Dashing away to the front of the store, you picked out a red rose and walked back to where he was waiting.

Much to his surprise, you added the rose to the centre of the bouquet, pushed the bouquet towards him and then pulled out a letter that had been in your coat pocket and pushed it across the counter in his direction.

He froze. Almost everyone knew what a red rose meant.

He opened the letter. All the flowers he had given you with their meanings were listed, along with the red rose.

I love you.

Underneath was a small paragraph. His already racing heart began to explode as he read the words 'let's go on a date tomorrow' followed with your number underneath.

He looked back up to you. You were currently looking everywhere and anywhere that wasn’t Renjun.

Placing the letter down, he came around from behind the desk and hugged you. He could feel you tense up under him, however in a matter of seconds, your arms were around him, and a sigh of relief escaped your lips.

From the moment he met you, his heart had exploded, the colours in his world seemed to be brighter whenever you were there.

He loved hearing your laugh, seeing your smile, being in your presence.

Time felt non-existent with you.

He loved you, as much as you loved him.

And that was all he needed.

[joachimnapoleon]

I'm reading a preview of Charles-Eloi Vial's "Histoire des Cent-Jours" on Amazon, in which the author mentions that when Napoleon was on Elba, he reconciled with Murat. Do you know anything about this matter?

The subject of the reconciliation between Napoleon and Murat is one of those things about which I still have as many questions as answers.

Correspondence between the two during Napoleon’s exile on Elba is borderline nonexistent; I haven’t come across any letters from Murat to Napoleon from this time, so unless there’s something locked away in the private Archives Murat in the French National Archives, it probably no longer exists.

But, there was certainly some correspondence between them. There’s really no way to know how much, but Napoleon’s Correspondance Générale contains letters to Murat during the Elban exile and also references to other letters between them made by Napoleon to Bertrand. I was surprised to learn recently--thanks to @josefavomjaaga for sending it to me from her volume of the Correspondance--that Napoleon actually wrote to both Murat and Caroline shortly after his arrival on Elba. Both letters are dated 11 May 1814; Napoleon informs both of them of his having just arrived on Elba. He tells them both of Pauline’s impending arrival and asks for Caroline to send him news through someone she trusts.

Pauline arrives on Elba, and then leaves for Naples almost immediately after; I don’t think she’s on Elba for more than a couple days before she departs for Naples. She remains in Naples for months before her return to Elba, and it’s generally believed that she served as the go-between to effect the “reconciliation” between Murat and Napoleon. It’s assumed she was sending letters back and forth between the two. How many letters? What were the contents? There’s really no way to know. Napoleon references one specific letter from Murat, in September 1814, while writing to Bertrand on 9 September:

I have received a very tender letter from the king of Naples; he claims to have written to me several times but I doubt it, it seems that the affairs of France and Italy set his head straight and make him affectionate.

There’s nothing else until the eve of Napoleon’s departure from Elba. He fires off two letters to Murat on 17 February 1815 to let him know he’s sending him a man by the name of Colonna “in order to communicate to you some important and urgent matters,” no doubt about Napoleon’s upcoming return to France. Colonna, he tells Murat, “is authorized to sign every convention Your Majesty may desire with regards to our affairs…. Your Majesty must in particular trust in everything he tells you about my attachment and the high consideration with which I remain.” The second letter from the same day thanks Murat “for what you have done for the countess Walewska,” reiterates that Colonna is coming and “will tell you some big and important things. I’m counting on you and most importantly on utmost speed. Time is pressing. My love to the queen and to your children.” An undated, ciphered letter from Portoferraio, believed to be written between 22-26 February, tells Murat that he’s just waiting for favorable conditions to make his escape: “The winds have been increasing for the last three days and have forced the English warship to move somewhat away from our shores. But it can return any moment and my brick is not capable of competing with it. If I had one of your vessels, I would leave in broad daylight and I would sink anything that stood in my way.” Murat actually does end up sending a vessel, but by the time it gets to Elba, Napoleon has already left.

So, there probably was more correspondence between them, either written or verbal--but there’s just no record of it.

It’s important to point out that Murat’s “allies” (particularly the British) were looking for any excuse they could find during this period to justify turning on and dethroning him. Proof of a correspondence with Napoleon would’ve given them all the ammunition they needed. This is where it gets interesting. Napoleon will claim later on Saint Helena that the allies “doctored” Murat’s papers (to prove there was a correspondence between the two during the Elban exile). And there is an interesting excerpt from the memoirs of Dedem, who claims that the Congress of Vienna received, via the French Bourbons, copies of letters between Murat and Napoleon, left by a careless person close to Murat. I’m assuming that this individual (whom Dedem leaves unnamed save his first initial) is M. de Baudus, former tutor of the Murat children, sent by Napoleon to Toulon as an intermediary after Murat’s defeat at Tolentino; Baudus was to inform Murat that Napoleon would not receive him in Paris, that he was to stay put for the time being under a sort of house arrest while events played themselves out (Napoleon was on the way to Waterloo), and that Napoleon blamed Murat for having “ruined” France in 1814 and having “compromised her and ruined himself” in 1815. Anyway, here is the excerpt from Dedem:

The Tuileries cabinet had sent copies of his correspondence with Napoleon, and it was on these certified copies that Joachim was tried and condemned. Well, thanks to the thoughtlessness of the Count de B… who forgot (in following the King to Ghent) all his correspondence in an armoire at the chateau, we now know that all these letters had been truncated. Napoleon found the originals with the minutes of the copies drawn up in a way which served to lose Joachim; all the copies were in the hand of M. de B… attached by pins to the letters of the King of Naples.

Dedem includes the following footnote at the end of this paragraph:

It is from a man very worthy of trust, whom Napoleon had recalled to him in his cabinet during the Hundred Days and who neither loved nor complained of Joachim, that I have these details. He assured me that he had seen and re-read the letters several times.

So the Bourbons either found enough damning correspondence between Murat and Napoleon--or altered it enough to make it look damning--and sent it on to the Congress of Vienna so they could justify removing Murat from his throne once and for all.

Now, as to the matter of how sincere the “reconciliation” between Murat and Napoleon was… that’s another story. Louise Murat’s take is that the reconciliation was more sincere on her father’s part than on Napoleon’s:

So it was not long before the reconciliation took place and, if we can affirm that, for his part, it was as complete as possible, I do not know if… we will be able to affirm likewise that all traces of the past were also erased from the Emperor’s mind.

This subject bears some remarking on the relationship between the two men in general. There was a lot of bad blood between them by the time of Napoleon’s first exile, going back years before Murat’s treaty with Austria in 1814. Murat had felt ill-used and mistreated by Napoleon since at least 1809, things had gotten downright ugly between them in 1811, and in the aftermath of the 1812 campaign Murat was increasingly resentful of Napoleon’s treatment of him. Napoleon, for his part, had been incapable of trusting Murat since being informed, in 1809, of a scheme between Fouché and Talleyrand to have Murat succeed him in the event that Napoleon died without a legitimate male heir; much of his conduct towards Murat from that time forward comes across as deliberately spiteful and intentionally humiliating. Murat was vain and proud and it took him a long time to get over these kinds of slights and embarrassments. But, he was also capable of forgiving people he believed had wronged him--for example, Murat had restored Lavauguyon to his service years later after having suspected him of having an affair with Caroline in 1811. And I personally believe he retained a certain amount of affection for Napoleon even in spite of their nearly constant quarrels, and kept hoping to find some way to regain Napoleon’s affections, which he felt he had lost without ever quite understanding why; he concludes a letter to Napoleon in 1810 with “Love me as in Poland, as in Prussia, and I will love life again.” He didn’t enter into his decision to leave Napoleon in 1814 easily, and from everything I’ve seen it seems to have been extremely agonizing for him, and the news that the Allies had driven Napoleon from his throne and into exile in 1814 devastated both Murat and Caroline.

All of that being said, there was still some amount of self-interest in Murat’s attempting to aid Napoleon in 1815, and also in his striking out against the Austrians shortly after Napoleon reached France. Caroline believed that Napoleon would eventually drive them from the throne of Naples if he managed to keep his own, and Murat himself very likely saw the reason in this, and hoped he might safeguard himself by claiming all of Italy.

For Napoleon’s part, I tend to think Louise Murat was probably right; I think he saw Murat, being the only member of his family still on a throne, as a useful tool for his own eventual restoration. There’s a footnote in Bertrand’s Saint Helena cahiers basically saying that Napoleon never gave any indication of having genuinely forgiven Murat for 1814, and I personally think that’s probably the case. In mid-April of 1815--not even a week after sending Murat a letter from Paris, assuring Murat “You can count on my attachment,” Napoleon sends a note to his Minister of Foreign Affairs ordering a report on Murat’s conduct in 1814. My guess is, if Napoleon had triumphed at Waterloo and secured his throne, Murat still would’ve found himself in a world of hurt eventually. Murat seems to have anticipated this himself; in June 1815--actually the day after Waterloo, about which he was still oblivious--he is writing once more to Napoleon--the last letter he will ever write him--basically offering himself up on a silver platter:

I have nothing more to ask of Your Majesty, he can pronounce my fate unsparingly; your wishes, whatever they may be, will be carried out. Glad to be lost for you, no complaints will be heard from my mouth, but you can dispense with sending me in the future what they want to call consolations by people named as my friends; may your ministers make positively known to me the place of my exile; I will go there without a murmur.

[onbeinganangel]

hello! question for a rainy day. what are your top five favorite fics you've ever written? why?

hello my evil little darling, brightest star in the sky 🌟 you know exactly what you’re doing with this question and i hate you so much for it, thank you xxxxx

1. [redacted fic I can’t talk about as well you know, you terrible, terrible human being]

seriously though, even without that this is such a tough question buuuuut in chronological order we have:

1. Forever Yours/Yours Forever (wolfstar, M, 2.8k) — This was the first thing I ever posted on ao3 and it’s a very Mari brand of angst imo! At the point I posted this I think I had finished writing Inevitable but was too scared to post something that long and I had also finished taught by thirst and wanted something angstier and less spicy to balance it all out. I wrote it in one sitting and I’m still really proud of the post-Azkaban Sirius voice that I wrote for it. My feelings and thoughts on the Harry Potter series have shifted a lot in the past few years for a lot of reasons, but Sirius has always been a character I really love and I think even in canon his story is so so heartbreaking and he’s truly one of those characters you wish you could wrap up in a blanket and protect (shit just keeps happening to this man, like, give him a break) and I really enjoy writing his POV.

2. taught by thirst  (jeddy, E, 6k) — I wrote taught by thirst for Sudsfest 2020, which was my first fest, so that makes it really, really special in my eyes. I didn’t know a lot of people back then, I was mostly still lurking and I was super nervous about it, but really wanted to go for it. I immediately fell in love with the prompt that inspired it, but I told myself to wait a couple of days (convinced the prompt was so good someone else would take it) and if no one took it, I’d claim it. And there it was, waiting for me when I went to check days later, so I no longer had any excuse not to write it. The prompt also came with a really good choice of pairings and I think I was a bit nervous about writing Drarry and just thought why not try my hand at a little bit of Jeddy? I think it’s a really fun piece and I do like a devious Teddy (I mean, come on, he is Tonks’ AND Remus’ kid, the boy is TROUBLE!!!) and I think there’s a really good balance of smut and sweetness and mischief in it.

3. Inevitable (From the Very Start) (drarry, 54k) — Lord, I’m sorry, I AM going to talk about it again. You did ask, though. I started writing Inevitable sometime… last summer? I don’t know? And I was… not doing so hot back then. This is truly one of those “I want to read a fic about X” and then you blink and you’re suddenly writing a fic about X. I keep describing Inevitable as my ultimate horcrux — I think everything you write or create ends up having a little bit of you in it whether you want it or not, but I am convinced Inevitable may have a little bit more of my soul in it than your average piece lol. I don’t like re-reading it because I feel like I’d write it really differently now but I still love it a lot. It’s Drarry in their 40s just… navigating life and really settling. You’ve got a neurotic widower Draco carrying a fuckton of grief and anxiety with him wherever he goes and you’ve got a no-fucks-given go-with-the-flow divorcee Harry just completely arse over tit for Draco. There are some big angsty/dramatic moments in it, but I feel like it’s all very slice of life, falling in love, lives melding together with all there is to them (friends, children, devious ex-wife, dead wife, jobs, dreams, etc).

4. Petrichor, Pineapple and Pomegranate (wolfstarbucks, E, 6k) — What’s a girl to do if she really loves triads and Wolfstar but also has a soft spot for Prongsfoot? Write. This. Fic. I’m going to be honest, I don’t even remember how my Year Of The Threesome Series idea came to be anymore (other than I was affectionately bullied into it by some people) and I don’t know how I decided that this would be the first one but it just happened. I wrote most of it in one day, it has one of my favourite passages/paragraphs I have ever written in it, I got to indulge in some scent kink and I got to write three best friends just banging it out. What’s not to like?

5. heavy (drarry, E, 6k) — Right. This one. Good afternoon from the most self indulgent shit I have ever written. Truly. heavy is the last of my Kinkuary series which proceeded to kill my ability to write while also teaching me that I am capable of so much more than I could have ever imagined. I’d saved the drarry pairing for last because they’re my favourite and tbh it seemed like a lot of pressure. There are already so many good kinky Drarry fics out there and I was so intimidated by the idea — so many of my favourite fic writers write mostly/exclusively Drarry and it was honestly daunting to even think about it. So I ignored it and wrote all the other filthy rarepairs like there wasn’t a massively scary thing waiting for me at the end like a sour middle to a delicious sweet. What ended up happening was that I was so fucking exhausted when I got to the end of Kinkuary that I went ‘fuck it.’

(Where’s that ‘I’m gonna give [me] everything [I] want’ or that ‘I’m gonna create a [fic] that is so [self-indulgent]’ meme when I need it? Lmao)

All through February, I kept a list of possible kinks to write for it since the last day didn't have a prompt/was a wildcard, and when I got to it I just... wrote a fuckton of them all into the same fic just because I wanted to!

In the end, I wrote the scary kink I’d wanted to write for ages, I wrote drarry falling in love through little snippets of smut packed with a ton of subtext and feeling and I was just really pleased that I put together this porn soup I would have never have put together in any other context.

And there you have it. I will change my mind again in 0.3 seconds but right now those are my favourite 5 fics I've written! Thank you for coming into my house and forcing me to pick my favourite puppies out of the litter lol