#also i want him to be plagued by me SO BADLY you don't even understand

[tossawary]

I'm reviewing episode transcripts from "Merlin" to build up my worldbuilding document (character list, mostly) and, a little ways into S2, I'm kind of feeling like the show is actually quite mean to Arthur as a character sometimes? S1 E14: "To Kill the King" is one of those episodes where I forget how badly it pissed me off until I run into it again.

Like, don't get me wrong, Arthur can be a bully, entitled, hotheaded, and reckless, but he's also at this point risked his own life to save people multiple times. Both individuals whose lives were "worth less" than his own (getting the Mortaeus flower for a poisoned Merlin, smuggling Mordred out of the city, protecting Ealdor from bandits) and also Camelot as a whole (fighting the plague-causing monster in the sewers, fighting the mam-eating griffin, drinking poison to lift the unicorn curse).

Arthur is giving me vibes of being both bored and frustrated (and probably not able to name those feelings or exactly why he has them) because he wants so badly to do good things, but he's not really sure how to go about it because (no one ever tells him anything, he almost NEVER knows what's really going on to make informed choices, and) he's also stuck under the thumb of his tyrannical father, who spends most of their scenes together berating Arthur for being too merciful, for not being dutiful enough, and/or not finding sorcerers for execution fast enough. When Arthur tries to be fair-minded and compassionate, Uther often essentially tells him that he's going to be a weak king with that attitude.

Arthur's pathways to betterment are limited, his parent and role model and boss here is an AWFUL person, but he's trying!

So, it's quite frustrating to get to this one episode where characters like Gaius (extremely biased, admittedly, clearly not an objective individual) are saying things like: "Arthur's not ready. The responsibility would be too great. Brave though he may be, he lacks experience, he lacks judgement."

Like, I don't know, Arthur may be only 21 and kind of a dipshit, but I personally think he'd still do a better job than the guy who tried to kill a kid (Mordred) just for existing a few episodes ago? Maybe? Gwen's father, who wasn't even a sorcerer or knowingly working with one, is dead explicitly because of Uther's awful laws. Did everyone in this episode forget that Uther tried to BURN GWEN ALIVE AT THE STAKE not that long ago (Episode 3)?

ARTHUR: "[Morgana]'s right, Father. You hear the word magic, you no longer listen."

UTHER: "You saw it for yourself. She used enchantments."

ARTHUR: "Yes, maybe. But to save her dying father, that doesn't make [Gwen] guilty of creating a plague. One's the act of, of kindness, of love, the other of evil. I don't believe evil's in this girl's heart."

UTHER: "I have witnessed what witchcraft can do. I have suffered at its hand. I cannot take that chance. If there is the slightest doubt about this girl, she must die or the whole kingdom may perish."

ARTHUR: "I understand that."

UTHER: "One day you may become King. Then you will understand. Such decisions must be made. There are dark forces that threaten this kingdom."

ARTHUR: "I know. Witchcraft is an evil, father. So is injustice. Yes, I am yet to be King, and I don't know what kind of king I will be, but I do have a sense of the kind of Camelot I would wish to live in. It would be where the punishment fits the crime."

UTHER: "I fear you're right. She's played with fire, and sadly she must die by fire."

When the adult druid (Cerdan) accompanying Mordred is killed (Episode 8), Arthur objects afterwards! On his own! While Arthur is sometimes an active participant in Uther's tyranny and otherwise complicit, he's been told all of his life that magic is inherently evil and corrupting, he was raised by the very man spreading this hateful philosophy, he should probably hate magic more than anyone after Uther, and yet he still disagrees with Uther's methods and judgments. Even though Uther is apparently VERY willing to lock both his son (Episode 4) and his ward (Episode 8) in the dungeons for disagreeing with him and disobeying him!

ARTHUR: The Druid was only in Camelot to collect supplies. He meant no harm. Is it necessary to execute him?

UTHER: Absolutely necessary. Those who use magic cannot be tolerated.

ARTHUR: The Druids are a peaceful people.

UTHER: Given the chance, they would return magic to the kingdom. They preach peace, but conspire against me. We cannot appear weak.

ARTHUR: Showing mercy can be a sign of strength.

UTHER: Our enemies will not see it that way. We have a responsibility to protect this kingdom. Executing the Druid will send out a clear message. Find the boy. Search every inch of the city.

Obviously, running a kingdom is complicated! Uther apparently won Camelot by conquest and is in conflict with many of the neighboring kings, including Odin and Cenred, and likely has more of the respect of the local nobility than young Arthur does. Uther's death would create some instability! (Agravaine de Bois hasn't been created yet, but let's assume there are many other potential vultures.)

But the show generally isn't pushing that angle. This isn't really about smooth transitions of power. Personally, concerning Arthur's "lack of judgment", I do find his ready conviction that it is his duty to die for Camelot's honor if necessary (he says as much to Merlin explicitly before fighting Valiant in Episode 2, then again before fighting the Black Knight in Episode 9) more than a little concerning, but that doesn't seem to be angle pushed here either.

The show has characters (Merlin, Gwen, Gaius) suggesting that offing the King, who regularly kills innocent people whether they have magic or not, who has forbidden use of the tool that might have saved innocent people from Nimueh's plague or the wraith of Tristan de Bois, would be wrong! It would be murder and murder is bad! It would make (in the words of a grieving Gwen) her "just as bad" as him.

Even though Merlin has at this point already killed Aulfric and Sophia (Episode 7), as well as Mary Collins (Episode 1) because they were trying to kill Arthur. And arguably got an assist with Valiant (Episode 2). And will kill many more as the show goes on. This conversation with Kilgharrah in S1 E14 is in many ways so, so funny:

KILGHARRAH: Well, young warlock, what is it you come to ask of me?

MERLIN: I need your help.

KILGHARRAH: Of course you do, but this time, will you heed my words?

MERLIN: The sorcerer Tauren is plotting to kill the King. He's made an ally of Morgana. I don't know what to do!

KILGHARRAH: Do… nothing.

MERLIN: What do you mean? If I do nothing, Uther will die.

KILGHARRAH: Don't you want Uther dead? It is Uther that persecutes you and your kind, Merlin. It is Uther that murders the innocent…

MERLIN: But surely that doesn't make it right to kill him.

KILGHARRAH: Only if Uther dies can magic return to the land. Only if Uther dies will you be free, Merlin. Uther's reign is at an end. Let Arthur's reign begin. Fulfil your destiny!

[The dragon flies off.]

MERLIN: Wait! Where does it say my destiny includes murder?

KILGHARRAH: Free this land from tyranny, Merlin! Free us all!

I feel for Kilgharrah here. He was VERY straightforward. I don't know how he could have been clearer about this.

I won't say that Merlin's character writing doesn't make ANY sense here (I do think the character writing in this show is NOT amazingly consistent), because... he IS being influenced by Gaius, who is, unfortunately, a bootlicker and also probably extremely traumatized by all of the death he's seen (big contributor of the bootlicking) (also, apparently Gaius only becomes a "freeman" at the end of Episode 6, so there's that). And Merlin is also being heavily influenced by Arthur, who loves his father, despite everything. For Arthur's sake, if no one else's, Merlin will go out of his way to save Uther. Sure! That tracks!

Merlin spends a lot of time in this show protecting a terrible status quo under some assumption that Camelot will... somehow suddenly become better under Arthur? Instead of perhaps eventually just trusting Arthur and talking to him after their years of knowing each other? There are several, in-world reasons for this and I don't think they're all unrealistic! It's tense! It's thrilling sometimes!

(Though I am ultimately a little annoyed that Merlin's many secrets never really come out and get dealt with by the characters, because that would have been fun drama and some resolution to all the tension, even if the story did still end in death.)

There's some tasty tragedy in this silly show, in many ways. Merlin is confused and conflicted and scared and without clear guidance in many ways. Kilgharrah is mysterious and not at all reassuring. Gaius is complacent and (very reasonably) incredibly secretive. Merlin doesn't get to see many of the moments where Arthur speaks up for magical people and tries to talk Uther down. Morgana and Arthur are both stuck here in a "The hands that cradled you are covered in an unimaginable amount of blood." "But they cradled me, yes?" nightmare scenario. (There's also a sexist element where male characters like Gaius and Merlin won't let Morgana know about her own powers "for her own good" in a gaslight-y way that's fascinating to me in how it creates a villain.)

But, also, the compelling tragic elements here don't make certain episodes any less frustrating to watch in their execution. (I don't think villains being frustrating to watch or read necessarily makes them effective villains, especially when what I really find annoying here is the heroes' reactions to the villain. Uther has killed SO MANY PEOPLE! FOR NO REASON!) Especially when a lot of the overall results of this show often feel more accidental than purposeful. I do understand why the writers keep Uther around! He's a formidable antagonist to have looming all over the place and the actor is fun.

But OOF, I felt that "Do... Nothing".

Merlin! MERLIN! LISTEN TO THE SCARY DRAGON! MERLIN, REMEMBER THAT TIME UTHER TRIED TO BURN GWEN ALIVE??? JUST BECAUSE GWEN IS TOO NICE TO GO AFTER UTHER WITH A KNIFE AND TAKE REVENGE, IT DOESN'T ACTUALLY MEAN KILLING HIM MAKES YOU "JUST AS BAD"!!! MERLIN!!! YOU HAVE ALREADY MURDERED MULTIPLE PEOPLE WHO KILLED WAY LESS PEOPLE THAN UTHER!!!

In Episode 4, Morgana says to Uther: "You can't chain [Arthur] up every time he disagrees with you." This implies to me that Uther has had Arthur thrown in the dungeons before. In Episode 3, Arthur says to Morgana: "Father will slam us both in chains if he knew I'd endangered you," and maybe he wasn't at all joking with that? Arthur is rattling the bars of his cell here, apparently fairly ready to be aimed wherever Merlin points him, bucking against being aimed at innocents by his tyrant of a father.

But nooo, Gaius says Arthur is "not ready yet" because...??? He seems less hotheaded than Uther to me, honestly. Are his tax policies not up to par yet? You can hire a guy for that. Suggesting that Arthur would be in any way worse than His Majesty "Anyone Who Talks To A Sorcerer Gets Executed Even If They Didn't Know They Were A Sorcerer" feels quite mean to Arthur, really. I think he'd do alright, in comparison, Gaius who lies to the King every single day, but I suppose you sometimes want to be a loyal friend to good ol' King "Made Merlin Drink Poison That One Time And Wouldn't Let Anyone Go Get The Cure". Good for you. Bad for everyone else.

Like, I know, I know this show is not very deep. I like that all of the characters are flawed and fumble a lot! I even kind of enjoy that it ultimately ends in death with so many loose emotional threads. It is a weekly burst of fantasy nonsense that is not especially concerned with consistency in worldbuilding or characters from episode to episode. But the executive discrepancies here are, like the ones in "Star Wars", weirdly fascinating with all of the holes and wobbly bits it creates.

This show: "Yes, our hero has once again saved the tyrannical king who kills innocents! Preventing the oblivious prince from assuming the throne and trying to do better as he so clearly wants to do! Good work, Merlin, taking the high road (which involved murdering the rightfully angry people trying to kill the tyrannical king) again!"

Me, every time: "...I am genuinely not sure how the show wants us to interpret this. What did they think they were doing with this? Was this always meant to be a tragedy from the first season? Because personally, I'm getting some kind of tragedy from this."

[saturdays--sun]

saturday during the pre-dating phase is just like. 11 pm, she walked in with her friends and now i'm trippin' off the deep end. so call me a lyft or a black hearse 'cause i know you'll make my head spin. i can't explain the look on her face. she wore a sweater in summer weather, it was funeral gray. and now it's killing me, i just want you to be my next mistake that i'm gonna make. i said that you can call me, beep me if you want my skin. she rolled her eyes, and then she said, "i know your dying wish is to be baptized in my spit." shocked at the words comin' from my tongue, a language that i'm not familiar. what if i pray? hopin' you'll stay into the daylight. wait, what am i sayin'? i feel insane, it's only been a couple of days. i'm havin' the same thoughts, can't stop, thinkin' you've got me brainwashed. i'm see-through, need you, why do i think you're so cool? everything's clean except for my thoughts, thinkin' about me getting you off. i don't wanna leave, it's freakin' me out. why am i actin' like that? my day's fucked until you finally wanna text back. i put some extra on my laugh when you say things. give me my space, give me your face at the same time. it's like my brain isn't mine, you moved into my mind, dropped your bags, drew the blinds. i'm tryin' to turn my mind off, but i don't know where to go when the night's long. yeah, with the blinds drawn and the lights off, i coulda picked your body in a lineup. tried anything not to think of you. it didn't work and i feel like shit, wake up tomorrow and try again. so now i'm solo when the night's cold. yeah, i kissed a couple people, but they taste wrong. now we're at the part where you'll hate what you see, what the fuck is wrong with me? i want this to work so bad, but i want what i can't have. 'cause i love you, or i want to, but i don't know how. why we ghost each other for a week at a time? i can't even call you, let alone call you mine. and that distance keeps us safe, but nobody told me safe is so lonely. now i'm checkin' dms again 'til i'm thinkin' 'bout your face instead. it's decorated in my head. if you feel it, then i feel it, too. if you believe me, i could be your truth. if you need me, all i need is you. do you feel it? 'cause i feel it, too. do you need it? 'cause i need it, too.

[devflamme]

yadda yadda yadda agathario, curses, and dead sons

agatha all along spoilers under the cut 🫵

- these screenshots right here reminded me of mrs fletcher and now i cant be normal about it. why was this segment so... horny. ANYWAY back to depression

- also, one thing. what the fuck does switzerland have to do with them. did they go to switzerland together before? is it a joke i didnt understand?

- agatha crying wasnt on my episode 4 bingo. like. FOR REAL. the way she screamed "don't" at lilia, snapped at jen because she couldnt remember what to use to heal teen and just begged rio to not take him from her. btw, this bitch is Death 100%

- "oh no shes blackheart!" "shes mephisto!" dude. did u see the same episode i did??? she talked about agatha killing the whole coven so that she could have the bodies, was just waiting for teen to die of a hemorrhage so that she could get him, talked about a job she did not want to do, mentioned that she was impatient and wanted to cause damage to the coven... death. 100%.

- the way agatha stayed by his side all the time... she only left because teen asked about her son – that was probably when it clicked for her: he is not nick, or, she got hurt by the mention of nick after having him on her mind all the time because of teen. agatha just feels confused.

"you don't have to know someone's name to know who they are."

- the way she talked so softly with him and even joked about his curious tone of voice. she is really attached to him, and i just know that when he is revealed to be wanda's son, her heart is going to break into pieces. again.

- agatha needed this hug so badly. they both needed. they are both supposed to hate each other. agatha runs away from rio like the plague – but after such an emotional trial and the effect of having rio near her, remembering her of their past together, she just needed it. she needed the affection she knew that rio would give her.

- rio gave her the affection she longed for, but also broke her heart again with a single sentence.

"the boy is not yours."

- agatha just wants two things in her life. power and her son back. and it fucking breaks me because... she lost her son because of power. she lost the thing she ALLEGEDLY traded her son for (the darkhold), and the same thing is now destroyed. every single copy. she lost her power. she lost everything, and now she's going through the hell she made her past coven members go through. agatha harkness you are so fucked up.

INTERESTING POINTS I WANT TO TALK ABOUT BECAUSE I CANT SHUT UP

- jen was a midwife. i know that agatha's story is very popular in between witches, but maybe she knew agatha because she helped her during pregnancy? how the fuck did she got pregnant? was it magic? is rio the father? i wanna a dna test.

- dont know if this makes sense but i found interesting that the burn scars from the curse are always on the characters' shoulders. shoulders are where you carry your responsibilities and burdens – the curse is a burden to alice, thats why it affects her shoulders.

- the mention about the man who bound jen's powers really stuck out to me, about him breaking the doctor's oath, also known as hypocrates' oath (btw im translating the name from portuguese to english, it's probably not the same she said on the show)

- "do no harm / primum non nocere" even though the first thing the man did to jennifer was harm her and bound her powers.

anyway i fucking love this show and its characters so bad. please talk with me about it!! would love to chat a little :)

[koolades-world]

Sorry if it's too dark, but can you do headcanons of the elder brothers+Satan with an MC who struggles badly with self h@rm, like how they found out about it, their reaction and how they help...I sincerely apologise for requesting such a sensitive topic and I completely understand if you feel uncomfortable doing it! It's just the brothers, especially Satan is a huge comfort character to me, and things haven't been great lately..so yea haha. Take your time, don't pressure yourself and take care alright!♡♡♡

hi! of course :)

i really hope you're feeling even a little better now. going through this is never easy. i hope these headcanons give you some serotonins <3

just because of the nature of the content, all headcanons will be under the cut today. this post will also be tagged accordingly with warnings so it can be filtered out/blocked if you can't read something like this right now. if you'd like something else to read that's more fluffy, i recommend headed over to my drabble tag or masterlist :) if you're struggling, just know you're not alone and while i know you've probably heard this all before, everyone around you is here to support and love you <3 including me :)

Mc who struggles with self harm

Lucifer

since he's always up late, he catches you in the act during his nightly checks

you've never seen him so upset looking

he holds you and makes the promise to help you get through things one day at a time

he makes sure you don't feel alone and help you get help, whatever that might be

now, every night the two of you sit together

sometimes, you talk, sometimes you don't. no matter what though, being together is comforting for the both of you <3

Mammon

since the two of you are so close, he could tell you were hiding something from him

when he asks you so sincerely what's wrong, and how he can help, you tell him

the first thing he does is apologize for not noticing sooner, and apologize that you're going through this right now

he promises to be by your side no matter what

he'll do whatever it takes to see you through to the other side of your hard times

he couldn't be happier every time the two of you hit a milestone of being clean! he always makes it a point to celebrate <3

Levi

somehow, it comes up in conversation so casually, and he has to asks you to backtrack

in a way, he understands what you're going through

he wants to help you no matter what, but he knows he's not the best with words, so he always prepares littles gifts for you, and spends lots of time with you

he makes sure you know he is your number one supporter and your listening ear

he always puts emphasis on all of the little moments you share together

one night, everything he's been struggling to share with you he finally gets the courage to, and he tells you just how much you've changed his life, and how much you mean to him <3

Satan

he suspects something is wrong, but he'd intended to go about asking you in a better way than he did

he let it slip that he had a feeling something was wrong by accident

so, later that day, you decided to let him in on what's been plaguing you

he devotes himself to helping you, because he cares about you too much not to

since he knows things will be easier with him by your side, everything you do to get better, he does with you

one thing you do is journal at the same time. you decorate the covers together, and write in them at the same time. never does he ask to see what you've written, but as long as you've tried, that's all that matters <3

[sazandorable]

akai shuuichi

For nearly a year now I have been plagued by awareness of and lust for Akai Shuuichi from classic manga/anime series Detective Conan, of all things. It never stops. It keeps getting worse. My friends with me in the fandom are angels of patience, indulgence and gentle teasing, but for everyone out of that loop I need to explain.

Akai Shuuichi.

He's got striking green eyes and identifiably long lashes.

He is so tall, wears leather jackets, and often has one or both hands in his pockets.

He's left-handed.

He smokes.

He drives cool cars.

He has lived in the UK, in Japan, and in LA.

He used to have princess long hair he was super proud about. He chopped it all off after "a bad breakup" (more on this later).

Most of the time he looks like death badly warmed over in a prehistoric microwave oven. Bags under his eyes, sharp boney facial structure that makes his face look like a skull, an entire scene dedicated to him dropping a can of shitty coffee in dramatic slow-mo, apparently out of exhaustion. I want to bundle him in a huge duvet and spoonfeed him chicken soup.

He is so fucking smart.

He is so fucking funny in a deadpan way.

He looks so serious but does the wildest shit like it's a normal (and easy) thing to do.

He is a sniper. An absurdly good one.

Also excellent physical fighter. He's so cool, he doesn't do karate or judo like the protag's close allies or even boxing like Sherlock Holmes -- he does Jeet Kune Do like Bruce Lee.

He is good at everything.

He's FBI, one of their best.

He doesn't say shit but understands everything.

At any given point you have no idea where the fuck Akai is and what he's doing, but he'll always be where he's needed.

Hottest trait: reliable. Unfailingly reliable.

He infiltrated the big bad meanie shadow organisation at the heart of the series' overarching plot and became a very high-ranking member of it.

Now that he's been found out and burned, the common reaction to Akai Shuuichi from members of that organisation is "shit, he's our biggest threat, kill kill kill".

A guy from the organisation once realised he was being chased by the Akai Shuuichi and immediately shot himself in the head rather than deal with him.

Another shot himself after having been dealt with by Akai Shuuichi.

To be fair, it's apparently the guideline of the org to not leave loose ends and not get caught alive, but still. This doesn't happen with other characters.

He was a honey pot.

His seduction method was to let his target hit him with her car and then hit on her when she visited him in the hospital.

He ended up catching genuine feelings for her. Then she got killed, so now he has angst about that.

He refers to wanting to avenge her death and kill the guy that killed her as "I'll make my girlfriend cry tears of scarlet blood in regret for ever dumping me".

He says to himself "Hi, my precious, precious lover ❤" while sniping at the man who killed her through that guy's own sniper scope from over 700 yards away.

Hits him, too. 600+ episodes later the guy still has the scar on his cheek and touches it occasionally.

He also dated a FBI colleague, whom he first met when they bumped into each other and he pointed out she should apologise too because "the blame was 50/50".

She was super offended. And then she dated him.

Another, male, colleague once referred to Akai Shuuichi as "my wife".

The official resident Pretty Boy fanservice man is obsessed with him because he believes Akai caused the death of his own childhood friend(/boyfriend).

It was actually the pretty boy's own fault. For incomprehensible reasons, instead of ever telling him that, Akai "the blame is 50/50" Shuuichi takes on that responsibility and even tells him he still feels sorry about it, and lets this incredibly dangerous man repeatedly try to out and/or kill him and put so, so many people in danger in an attempt to get his revenge. It is all incredibly homoerotic.

He still humiliates this guy every time they meet, and sometimes when they don't.

He's so sweet about so many upsetting things like this or his own honeypot girlfriend incident, but also so ruthless about others. He'll do anything to get a foot into the shadow organisation. He'll use himself as bait. He'll use a colleague who idolises him as decoy (with his knowledge and consent). He'll use a 6yo as scout. He'll use a comatose woman, her little brother, your crush's dad, your dad, his ex, himself again.

"No, Conan-kun, don't get your loved ones entangled into this, what we do is dangerous and sometimes we get people killed. Anyway let's use this entire hospital full of injured civillians for a high-risk trick." - Akai Shuuichi

He's so sweet and also such a dick.

He also has daddy issues because his father was MI6 and seems to have died on the job in mysterious circumstances.

He's an oldest brother.

Because of his choice to start a dangerous job after what happened to his father and various other plot reasons, he is estranged from his remaining family they don't even share a last name anymore.

He and his little sister barely know each other, but she's emulating him and looking for him and trying to know him and it's so sweet. He can't let that happen for both of their safety, but also he's being a dick about it.

He faked his death.

So he's currently on his 4th name (that I know of).

He's now pretending to be a 5 years younger phD student with pink hair, glasses, and turtlenecks.

The turtlenecks are for hiding the fact that he's constantly wearing a voice-changing device. The device is a metal choker.

He's now living his best domestic quiet life at the hero's parents' manor-like house, reading their books and drinking their booze.

The hero's dad, who is a very popular author, wrote a book inspired by him. The book inspired by him got adapted into a movie and won an award.

The hero's mom, who is an incredibly talented and famous actress and a total hottie, has a crush on him. She taught him to cook.

Sometimes he drops by the neighbours' to share a meal he cooked with the old man and little girl living there and the kids often visiting. The kids told him his curry was not that great so he's working on it.

For another meal that failed to satisfy, he read cookbooks then asked an old lady to teach him the special recipe that had emotional value to her.

Man who is good at everything is not good at cooking. So he's learning that. From the women in his life. For the kids in his life.

He's so fond of the hero. They get each other and they don't usually run into anyone who does. They like each other so much. Autistic to autistic communication.

The hero is in the body of a 6-year-old. Akai is so impressed with him and thinks he's so cool and talks to him like an equal.

One time they went fishing and for a cover the hero called him "daddy".

Akai Shuuichi knows he's a weapon of destruction and can do pretty much anything. He's not a brag about it, just practical. He is basically the hero's on-call guard/attack dog now.

When the hero needs help, he calls Akai-san, and Akai says yeah, I followed the situation, I was waiting for your call, I know what you're going to ask me to do. Point me at the target and I'll take care of it.

And then he just does that.

In the latest movie, the hero needs to take care of an armoured submarine that is currently underwater and doesn't get picked up by radards. Akai goes "ok, I can handle that".

He shows up in a helicopter with an American rocket launcher and is like "ok, just show me where it is". The hero just has to light up the submarine for a couple seconds. Then Akai one-shots it. From the helicopter. While it's still underwater.

Then he goes home.

(To the hero's parents' home.)

This is Akai Shuuichi with little resources and lots of constraints, such as being an FBI agent in Japan not supposed to be there or do anything, certainly not use weapons, and by the way legally dead and cannot let the organisation know he's still alive because that would endanger several other people.

He plays the accordion.

[luvfy0dor]

fyodor angst to fluff pls(reader scolds him for overworking then he gets mad so she gets sad so he feels bad basically 🐀)

"Breaks are good ♡" Fyodor Dostoevsky x GN!Reader !! ༉‧₊˚.

╰┈➤ Fyodor Dostoevsky ♡

Description; Fyodor is stubborn most times when it comes to putting a stop to his work, but if it's something his lover wants so badly for him, he might as well comply, right?

Warnings; Spoilers for Fyodors motive/DOA plan, angst, Idk if this counts as soft!Fyodor help

A/N; Sorry this took a couple days to put out, it's been quite a week dawg 🫥writing this out was like a retreat y'all don't even know

Fyodor had always been a man dedicated to his work, but you can't help feeling like sometimes he gets a little sucked into his task. Fyodor himself even knows it, though he will swear up and down that the amount of work he does is highly necessary. Every time he tries excuses his excessive working, you just sigh and shake your head. This time was different though, you were fed up.

Fyodor had a little room for himself, dedicated to his plan of ridding ability users from the world, that he would hole himself in to keep his focus. He didn't forbid you from entering, but he highly influenced you not to while he was hard at work. He didn't mind when you brought him tea or anything, but he got remotely ticked off when you would urge him to take a break or come to bed, insisting on another thirty minutes or so. Tonight, you decided that he needed to implement a habit of taking a break, he had to be exhausted, right?

You carefully stirred the tea that you made for Fyodor, walking slowly towards his little room. You gently knocked on the door, hearing a soft and muttered "come in" from the other side. When you opened the door, Fyodors eyes were still glued on the screens in front of him. You let out a soft sigh as you walked towards him, setting the tea in front of the man.

"Thank you, my dear." He said with a soft smile, grabbing your hand gently and kissing your knuckles. Your heart swelled a bit at his gentle action, but it only made you crave more attention from your boyfriend. "Uhm, fedya, I was thinking..." He sighed. "I already know what you were thinking, no. I need to get this done." He says firmly, his smile fading to a more neutral expression. You felt a small pang in your heart, a frown coming over your face.

"Come on, Fyodor. I can't keep letting you sit here and work yourself to death. It's all you do, work, work, work, and some more work." You said, a hint of annoyance in your voice, to which he side eyed you. "My dear, you clearly don't understand. Can we talk about this later? When I'm finished?" He says, his tone also slightly irritated. Your eyebrows furrow.

"No, Fyodor. We're not going to ignore this, are you not exhausted? Constantly working, you barely have time for me, let alone yourself! All I ask is that you take a break here and there, is it really that difficult?" You practically pleaded with the lanky man in front of you. He seemed as though he couldn't be bothered with your concerns, too irked by your constant insistence on him stepping away from his job for a while to even care.

He sighed heavily, swiveling his chair to face you. "You act as though you're the one doing the work. A break is unnecessary if I can just do it all in one sitting. That prolongs the ultimate time it takes me to get it done, don't you get that?" He replied, his thumb and pointer finger squeezing the bridge of his nose.

"Yes, but you're still overworking yourself! You do too much in such little time, you need to stop for a minute. Your work is like a plague to you, it consumes you entirely in the worst way possible." He rolls his eyes. "You're quite dramatic." He says, returning his attention to his screens. You felt hurt by Fyodors ignorance, furrowing your eyebrows and balling up your fists a bit.. "Wow, okay. You don't even care, do you?" You mutter. He takes a glance over at you before continuing his typing.

You sigh loudly before angrily speaking. "Why do you get so defensive every time I try to get you to take a break? There's no way you're not utterly exhausted will all of this, Fyodor." You desperately say, you voice cracking a bit as you try to get your point across to Fyodor. "You're only distracting me and wasting more time." He says, making your heart sink. "Wow, alright." You say angrily, your voice a bit shaky as you storm out of the room, slamming the door behind you.

You truly didn't get it, what was his problem with taking a quick break? It wasn't killing him, or anyone for that matter. There were so many reasons why a break is necessary; you knew his line of work was dangerous and put him directly in deaths way if he wasn't cautious, and had he died you would absolutely regret not pestering him. He could very much be overworking himself, raising his irritability and lack of energy. What you didn't understand was why he couldn't see the issue with his bad habit.

Tears pricked at your eyes as you marched your way back to the shared bedroom you and Fyodor had occupied every night; angrily crawling under the covers and huffing as you settled into a comfortable position, facing away from the door. You stirred with your angry thoughts, not even wanting to get water just because of the thought of running into your boyfriend. You were so mad that he wouldn't just be understanding of your side too, you genuinely wondered what had crawled up his ass tonight. I mean, is it seriously that difficult to just hear you out?-

"My dear..? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you like that."

His soft voice sounded throughout the bedroom, making your mind go quiet for a moment. You let out a small 'huff' to let him know you were awake, but still disgruntled over the whole conundrum. He sighed in response, quietly shutting the door behind him and cutting off any light from the hallway. You could feel the blanket lifting and the mattress dipping next to you.

"Did you want to talk about it..?" He quietly murmurs, trying to keep you calm as he spoke. You rolled over, sniffling and wiping any stray tears that had overflowed from your eyes. "Please don't cry, moya lyubov.." he says, his face seeming expressionless, but you could tell there was a smidge of guilt behind his pretty, purple eyes. You averted your eyes from his, your mouth hanging slightly agape as you gathered your thoughts.

"I just...Fyodor, you're gonna work yourself to death before you even get within arms reach of your goal." You say with a small frown. He just sighs, snaking one of his arms around your side to comfort you a bit. "I understand that you feel that way, but it's important that I get there as soon as possible." He says, using his other hand to brush some hair out of your face. You nod a bit. "Yeah...I guess you're right, but...could you please just start to take breaks? Just...you know, just five to ten minutes every couple of hours?"

He thinks for a moment before reluctantly nodding. "I suppose I could, but only because my health seems to be so important to my love." He says softly, gently kissing your forehead. You smile, kissing his shoulder in response. "Good, I get nervous that one day you'll...you know, die and I won't have as much time with you to look back on as I would like to." You murmur against the soft fabric of his sweater, hearing him hum in acknowledgement.

"That's understandable, dear." He sleepily says, stroking your back as he rests his head on top of yours. Your hand goes up to twirl some of his long, dark hair around your pointer finger, observing his tired mannerisms. "Fedya, look at you, you're falling asleep already." You let out a soft laugh, as real of a problem it was that Fyodor was overworking himself, he looked kinda silly all drowsy and sleepy.

A soft smile tugs at the corners of Fyodors lips. "Yes, you're right. I guess you do know me pretty well, don't you, my dear?" He murmurs, his eyes closed. You smile with your boyfriend and continue twirling his hair around you're finger. "Ofcourse I do, and I know that you need some time for yourself."

"Alright, I will take a break next time, I promise." He mumbles, falling asleep in your arms with yet another goal in mind; completing all of his goals healthily.

[masquerade-of-misery]

Just some mental health rambling, because I need to let this out somewhere.

If you are sensitive to topics like depression and self-loathing, feel free to keep scrolling.

In the past pair of weeks I've been spiralling deeper into depression again.

A lot has been happening in my life which affect me badly. I feel trapped, hopeless, disappointed, miserable. About life, about myself, about people.

It feels like whenever something remotely good happens, I can start worrying when that good thing will end, when it will turn bad, or what kind of "punishment" life will give me for having a moment of peace and joy.

I've been keeping so much to myself. Even with my family, whom I'm the closest with, can't share certain things, because they just simply wouldn't understand. I have only one person "in real life" that shares my love for Twst and who I can really talk to about everything. We live together, and she's an immigrant living in my country. Every 5 years, the terror overwhelms us when it's time to reapply for her residence permit. We live in constant fear of losing each other, of her application getting rejected. We are each other's life support and have known each other for 10 years now. If that gets taken away... I don't even want to think about it.

My parents and brother always tell me I can share everything with them, and they are here for me no matter what. And I know that, but... I also know that they would never understand my love for Twst and my deep love for Lilia. They would just suggest I see a damn therapist.

They would like to see me in a happy romantic relationship, but I have lost all my interest in meeting people honestly. I have never been lucky with men, and don't think I ever will be. I've been betrayed and ghosted by friends countless times, so I'm tired of trying to form friendships as well.

Also, I have huge self-esteem issues. I hate everything about myself. Every part of my body, my voice, my clumsiness, my social awkwardness, my struggles with verbal communication, my stupid blushing for no reason... I hate it all. I see my reflection in the mirror and have to tear my eyes away from it, because I despise the person looking back at me.

Last weekend, I had to realize just how different my brother and I have become, too. We've always had a strong bond, we were like the "prepare for trouble and make it double" duo. We argued and fought a lot as kids and teens, but we always have been a strong unit. But last Saturday, it became clear that basically I cannot say anything he considers "negative", "hateful", or "complaining", because he will turn it into a goddamn lecture. And the way he tells you his opinion is so condescending as fuck and makes you feel like you are a stupid kid who knows no better and needs to be taught. Even if his intentions are good, he still comes across as... arrogant? Mocking? And then when I said something nice about someone, it basically made me a hypocrite? So, no matter if I cuss at a stranger under my breath or make a kind comment about them, it's a problem??

I don't even know what topics to talk about with him, because our views on life and people have become so vastly different. His heart would also shatter if he found out I don't want to become an aunt and deal with kids, even if they are related to me by blood.

So, I just shut the fuck up from now on and keep most of my thoughts to myself. Even here, on my own damn blog, I'm not sure if I'll find any understanding. People are so damn sensitive nowadays, you cannot express any "negative" thoughts, can't get angry or sad, because then you become "toxic" and "hateful".

And then everyone is surprised why there are so many depressed, lonely, miserable people who don't want to or cannot open up. Or worse, they reach the point where they off themselves.

I'm tired. I'm just so exhausted. Even sleep can't bring me full peace, because my brain just plagues me with disturbing, disgusting, or simply depressing or nonsensical dreams.

I can't see the man I love even in my dreams. I can't hug him, kiss him, laugh with him...

I don't see the point in anything anymore. I just want to disappear.

[alexwilltellyouthings]

Entirely self indulgent rating post about the top 10 TV shows that made me fucking insane for some reason

10. Sense8

God, this was so good. Such a blessing. I saw part of the cast during a Pride Parade and it's one of my favorite memories. I felt every possible emotion with this show, I love it.

9. The Last of Us

This is kind of a cheat, because the obsession comes from the games, but it is what it is. It's one of the few games that had a big impact on me and I closely relate it to my relationship with my dad. Can't wait to cry my heart out at season 2.

8. Good Omens

It's a given, isn't it? That stupid angel with his stupid demon and their stupid God. GRRRAAWW. A lot of thoughts and feelings came from the fandom, I have to point out. It's been very nice.

7. The Umbrella Academy

I have the first issue of the comics autographed by Gerard Way!! I mean, yes, it's because I'm a MCR fan, but it became even more precious after I got into the show. I'm rewatching right now, preparing for the last season. I'll be a mess when I say goodbye to them. Can't even really think about it too hard or I'll cry right now.

Continues under the cut

6. Our Flag Means Death

LISTEN THIS CHANGED EVERYTHING TO ME. What do you mean we can have a show THIS queer? It's all I want now. I ate it up. I smiled so much. I wanted this so badly and had no idea.

5. Interview with the Vampire

Feels like it should be top 3 honestly but I'll get there. This is also a cheat, I've been reading the Vampire Chronicles since I was like 15. Growing up with Anne Rice probably messed me up but hey at least I have great taste. And seeing them on screen? The way they made it BETTER? And Lestat?? Who has been haunting me for 15 years on and off??? And the second season and their reunion and and and?????????? I'm STILL insane about them and will be forever, I'm afraid.

4. Doctor Who

Listen. Listen. Okay. Yeah. What can I say? If you get into it, you're doomed. And I have been doomed for 10 years at least. I stopped watching for a while and got back last year, and it hit me all over again. I love this dumbass genius alien in a way that's calm, even. Just a permanent part of who I am now.

3. The Untamed

The year was 2022, it had been a while since I had a proper fixation and I didn't think it would happen with this danmei live-action, but then came Wei Wuxian. Guys, if I tell you I fell in love. Couldn't stop thinking about him. Everyday I was plagued by his smile and red ribbon and tragic backstory, yadayadayada. I really like other characters too, and their stories, but WWX did something to me that I still don't quite understand.

2. Queer as Folk (US)

This was a looong time ago and it didn't really persist over time like the others, but it was my first actual obsession. I was clinically insane over these gays. I had no one to talk to about them, so for every episode I wrote several pages of notes to comment to my (only) friend at school the next day, the poor thing. It was pretty much all I talked about because I spent EVERY MINUTE we had to talk going over the notes and explaining the episode. Like, between classes, during breaks, everything. Months of that. She held on firmly because she was a good friend, but I'm aware it must've been terrible. Like I said, insane.

1. Dead Boy Detectives

Maybe I'm putting this up here because it's my current hyperfixation? Maybe. But I don't think I have felt something hit as strongly as this since QaF over there. This time I can participate in fandom so I don't need to write every thought I have because it's all a big talk anyway, but I'm still pretty much having those thoughts all the time for *checks notes* nearly three months. I'm writing more than I have in years. I'm back at Tumblr after I don't know how long. I'm staring at GIFs over and over like I have the fucking time for that. I'm distracted at work daily. I talk about it in therapy. I have the main cast's notifications on. I'm getting involved in fandom discourse sometimes even knowing I shouldn't. It's a nightmare. I love it. I love them.

If you read all of this, congrats! Now you know how my mind works, kinda!! I'm open to talk about any and all of these shows. It's amazing how they mess us up. It's also scary, but anyway.

[winepresswrath]

I do gotta say tho, even tho I’m mad at aziraphale because he’s being a terrible boyfriend like what you said about the “I forgive you like” because WHAT. But also I really like the way the show really demonstrates the underlying cruelty of heaven and it’s angels. Really shows the hypocrisy of a group of beings who are supposed to do good, especially aziraphale who really buys into the heaven propaganda, who hurts people, particularly the person who means the most to him. Because like you said he fully just takes advantage of that devotion Crowley has for him. Insane, this shwo makes me INSANE

I missed this anon and yeah! The angels were one of my favourite parts of the season, and I think the strongest element aside from Neil Gaiman deciding he's just a simple man who wants to put his otp in situations. They are deeply awful and I kind of love them. They are the exact kind of moralizing hypocrites who are callous and cruel precisely because they think being on team good means everything they do is justified and it's actually impossible for them to be in the wrong (they're angels! is it even possible for them to do the wrong thing?).

but!! To me, they also seem like they're basically kids? Obviously they're not literally children, but there is this very consistent reoccurring joke about how childish/sheltered/immature they are. Muriel is the most obvious example, but the archangels come off like bratty twelve year olds to her sweet little kid.

Gabriel is basically teenager in love flipping off his family as he runs away with his backstreet guy. Uriel is constantly picking at Michael, Michael is playing at being in charge like it's a game, and it's ridiculously easy for both Aziraphale and Crowely to trick them obvious half assed lies. They're not allowed to ask questions! The Metatron treats them like badly behaved kids out past their curfew. At any point an old man with a beard may pop up to scold them and send them home, and they're all scared of doing something wrong by his standards and getting in trouble with this guy who is pointedly not God but who lines up exactly with the pop-culture idea of god the father, and who offers Aziraphale, among other things, a respite from the hard work of figuring out what the right thing to do is for himself. It's fine! You don't have to question the belief system you were born into or make a painful break with everything you've ever known! Aziraphale has had six thousand years on earth to grow up, but the other angels have been sitting in a sterile white box playing "i'm not touching you" games with each other and filing paperwork.

And I think that's extra interesting because this season also really emphasizes:

Heaven has Institutional Problems

Aziraphale isn't the only angel who's unhappy in heaven. Gabriel and Muriel were both completely miserable. They just didn't understand that they were unhappy because they'd never experienced anything else.

Angels who aren't Aziraphale can change and grow! There's very explicitly Gabriel being changed by love and Muriel growing up a bit on earth, and from a more fan-theory angle there's also Jimbriel, who I think is probably basically Gabriel minus the war and six thousand years of playing referee for Michael and Uriel while unleashing an assortment of plague and calamities on earth because that's God's will! Buck up champ.

We also get Gabriel and Beezelebub talking about how their underlings basically live for Armageddon, "if you can call that living." This is so bleak. They've all been on a six thousand year time out just dreaming of the day they get to beat the shit out of each other until they feel better, but it won't work because eternity is just more of the box.

Anyway I think it's going in a distinctly eden adjacent direction. Aziraphale is going to tempt those angels with knowledge and the capacity for change. I have veered so far from your ask anon i'm sorry you're right heaven really went all out on sucking this season & while Crowley and Aziraphale are both fucking it up Crowley refrains from being spectacularly cruel to Aziraphale about it and Aziraphale should learn to return the favour. I forgive you!! I forGIVE you. I forgive YOU. "you can be an angel again" is actually a worse thing to say than "you're a demon. i don't even like you." when he finally picks crowley over heaven i'm going to lose my mind.

[neutronity]

Hua Cheng's Limitless Devotion

Sooooo... yeah. I read all 1.2M words in Heaven Official's Blessing (this included mostly already-published books, but also got my hands on the translation of the last books, since they are not yet published...) and my god I have too many thoughts in my brain.

But I want to start with this one (will put these below the read bar because spoilers abound.) Seriously, if you're watching the show or even if you've not completely finished the novels and don't like to be spoiled, well.. there be dragons below.

TW: Spoilers, Self-harm, Ideation, just... if you've read the books, you know. Suffering.

🐲🐲🐲🐲🐲🐲🐲🐲

One of the most heart-wrenching parts in the entire series is after Xie Lian has been broken. Not only did having 100 people stab him fail to save them, but his attendants have both left him, and both his mother and father have killed themselves so they are no longer his burden.

He's been twisted by White No Face so badly he has decided to unleash the Human Face disease on Yong'An for all they have done to him and his kingdom. As he's walking the former battlefield, recruiting the unsettled ghosts to take part in his plague, a wrath-rank ghost comes to him to offer his devotion and service. He doesn't have a name, so XL calls him Wu Ming. (Hint: it's Hua Cheng, or rather pre-Kiln HC.) They go together, murdering as they go (including the Yong'An king and crown prince.) It's gruesome and angry. XL is also on a clock. The curse needs to be unleashed, or it will backfire onto him.

And XL is resolved to do this. He tests the populace by revealing his face and laying in a hole, with a sword sticking out of his chest, waiting to see if even a single person will offer him help.

What happens next? Well... no one comes. Until the very last moment, when a surly guy gives XL his hat. That small gesture of kindness allowed XL to remember those pieces of himself, and he decided he was not going to unleash the plague.

Because of the whole no turning back portion of this though, the only way to stop what XL had started was to take in the cursed souls himself, and he was prepared to do that. But at the last moment, Wu Ming steps in and sacrifices himself instead. (Did I cry? Um yes. I cried. Kind of a lot.)

But it also got me thinking: what would have happened if XL had not "come to his senses" and actually unleashed the plague? Would HC still have faithfully followed him?

Yes.

We are meant to understand this too. That even if XL had folded in on himself and become a monster like WNF/Jun Wu, even with Hua Cheng knowing fully that XL had turned to that? Still he would have followed.

HC was not looking for XL to be a different person, he had not foisted expectations on XL. His faith (and ultimately what kept him tenaciously attached to the world) was that he lived for XL. That would mean that he would have lived for XL even if XL turned into a monster.

This is different than Feng Xin too, who had specific idealizations and expectations of XL. Princes should not dirty their hands, princes should not busk, princes should not rob others to survive.

Crown princes should not commit genocide.

Pretty much everyone can agree with that one. Because YEAH. And pretty much everyone would abandon someone who committed it.

But Hua Cheng would not have. He would not cluck his tongue in disapproval and disagreement, because his devotion was so deep. His devotion did not depend on the actions of the prince, they were not his to judge. He would help XL to survive and protect him from everything, even if it was in defense of a twisted prince suffering the same fate as White No Face, fighting heaven to be allowed to kill some more.

If we ever ask why XL lived, it's because HC's devotion was amoral. It was because he had faith and loved his prince more than anything, no matter what decisions that prince ultimately made.

It's really hard to wrap our minds around this. Could we too follow someone who became twisted enough to hurt everyone else around them? Where is the line we have made? Because there are very very very few people who don't have a line somewhere.

Hua Cheng did not have a line.

It's possible (and probable) that this lack of judgment, lack of line, is what will keep XL walking his own path, his third path. Because knowing that there will be someone there no matter what you do, whether it's rob a rich person or busk or... well, unleash a plague... makes it easier to do everything.

If you know that you have someone in your corner that will be there for you no matter what, who cares if you trip in the mud? Or kick someone's teeth in for insulting your friend?

HC's limitless devotion grounds XL. It's the thing that will keep XL from ever transforming into WNF, and ultimately it was also something Jun Wu was missing.

It's hard to say if that would have made a difference in JW's case, but I stand by it making all the difference in the world in XL's case.

[danieyells]

Hello, Haru simp here! The one that asked for his affinity lines (thank you very much!!!) (*｀▽´*) need you to know that so many thoughts have plagued my mind after reading them many times that it's become obligatory every time I come across your blog while scrolling through the driest tag on tumblr known as tokyo dubunker 😭 I wanna take care of him so badly! Make him get all the rest he needs and eat 3 full balanced meals every day >:(

Maybe I should punish him by edging him, you know? Only good boys who get the necessary amount of sleep and don't skip out on meals get to come ✨️ if he begs enough, maybe I'll give him what he wants (definitely not gonna overstimulate him so badly nooo couldn't be me *rubs hands together evilly or some shit*) this is so fucking mild, but yeah :) feel free to hand over any thoughts of yours please 👀

belated HELLO WELCOME BACK HARU SIMP! :D and kdsjhfiueh WELL NOW I FEEL BAD THAT I HAVEN'T PUT THEM ALL IN. I mean I already felt kinda bad about i tbut. I'll get around to that and you can have a few more crumbs, although usually when I left out lines back then it was because they weren't as interesting imo haha. BUT YOU NEED YOUR CRUMBS.

I don't really go through the tags because. I already don't have enough time for the things i wanna do lol and i'd probably get annoyed by negativity in there since i'm here for a good time. But it's a pretty small fandom and we go a month between updates(and the game pretty much just came out what last month?) so it's understandable that there's not usually much going on in the tags!

I think he'd appreciate the intent but he'd ABSOLUTELY DODGE THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR ATTEMPTS TO MAKE HIM TAKE BETTER CARE OF HIMSELF he's ~too busy~ for quality self care, anon!!! Disregard that he goes out and gets drunk on like a nightly basis. . . . But I get the care urges anon. By god I need him to eat properly at the very least. Especially since his stigma causes him to like have a weakened immune system? or was it always weak i don't remember what exactly Nicolas said. like BUDDY YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. SOMEBODY NEEDS TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.

hehehe mild thoughts are also welcome anon. just because i'm a bit of a filthmonger doesn't mean i don't enjoy mild kinks or sweet things. You might have to trick him into it a little bit, but he'd probably think it's clever/funny of you to try and force him to eat or sleep by denying him or overstimulating him! It's not like he's doing it on purpose! He can't just not be busy no matter how much you overstimulate him!!! He can't just find free time even if he doesn't get to cum! Wouldn't it be better to feed him while you have sex and then let him take a nap after he cums!? You can stay for sleepy cuddles if you want-- Or maybe you can help him or bring him food or convince Towa and Ren to help, then he'll have a little more time!

If he can't convince you into another strategy, he'll let you have your way and let you try and edge him--but you're gonna have to be committed. He's got a lot of patience and stubbornness--and he's kind of used to being disappointed so edging him is a slow process. But with enough time and effort he'll start to squirm a bit. He's leaking all over your hand the whole way. Little by little he starts to squirm and buck and his cock starts to twitch and he starts to say less and less. Occasionally he whinges or groans or tells you how unfair you're being about all of this. He knows you want him to beg but he can't compromise on this, he can't, it's better that he just tries not to talk at all because if he opens his mouth he is not going to be able to stop begging and he doesn't think he can uphold a promise to take better care of himself--but eventually he breaks and starts begging once it gets to be too much. He's so sensitive after everything, he doesn't think he can do it but he has to come so if you want him to beg you can hear it!!!

When you finally get him to agree to try and eat and sleep enough tomorrow and let him cum it's a lot. You almost think you overdid it the way it sounds like he might be sobbing from relief totally not your fault he's stubborn though-- between the shaky moans and cries, but he just kind of. Conks out after coming. He works too much and that was a lot on his body. But, hey, after he wakes up from his post-nut nap and gets you both cleaned up he sleeps through the night! It's a start!!!

(this care effort lasts maybe a day before he's back to the usual, of course. No rest for the weary! There's just too much to do!! You'll forgive him, right?)

[danhjngs]

( x )

literally please this yeeted blade into my head with dan heng and just. hear me out. also please note that this is messy notes, man, don't think this is going to be formatted writing, it's literally me just braindumping.

CANON DIVERGENCE, obviously not canon at all - in this AU there is a cure for the mara struck, but only in blade's case since kafka keeps it under control as much as possible with her spirit whisper.

so dan heng is so damn adamant about finding a cure for mara struck, despite the people on the luofu having accepted this curse that was brought upon their ancestors selfishly seeking eternal life, and blade always tries to convince dan heng that there is really no point because this is something no one can cure. but dan heng won't yield, and the conversation goes a little something like this:

blade: dan heng, stop, it's no use. just give it up already.

dan heng: no! there has to be a way. no, there is a way, just–

blade: *sighing* you really won't give up, will you?

dan heng: of course not, i didn't back then, and i won't now.

blade: ...fine. then, whatever it takes, i'll let you.

listen, blade will do absolutely anything and everything once he sees that determination and the efforts that dan heng places for him. this isn't even something for dan heng, or perhaps it is, but dan heng has one goal in mind and it is to right the wrongs of his past, starting with helping blade in any means possible.

he can't lose blade, not anytime soon. he refuses.

* PAUSE *

oh, nah... y'all didn't think this was gonna be cute, right?

so then, the research begins. dan heng dives into the library of all vidyadhara works, even deeper into cloudhymn magic and at some point, a different kind of magic with the help of bailu. of course, fearing what the current high elder may think, he doesn't speak about why he wants to learn about these healing methods and abilities, but bailu doesn't question him either.

he also dives into the depths of the xianzhou luofu history, dating from prior, during and post mara struck. he wanted to better understand and maybe even pin-point what and how the mara struck not only first began but how it had easily spread. of course, text spoke about how this was the curse of the plague's author. what was meant to be a gift would have its sacrifices in the end.

sacrifices.. something blade has been doing when he was still yingxing and even now as he undergoes trial after trial with methods that dan heng came back with. despite the excruciating pains he was going through, he would do so for as long as he can. anything to stay with dan heng for a little longer. but he wonders what will happen when he can no longer withstand these trials.

one more time becomes two, then three before the count was lost. it amazes the both of them how much blade can endure.

and so they try again.

this time, blade passes out in the middle. the pain had been too unbearable, and dan heng remained in the same spot where blade laid. he held his hand and closed his eyes. "please, wake up.." he would whisper as he stared at blade's face.

eventually, blade slowly opens his eyes and dan heng, who had left to get some water immediately runs when he sees blade stirring in bed, it is then when he was greeted not by blade's once chaotic sunset eyes, but soft and gentle sky blue eyes.

he wanted to cry so badly, but he had to know.

"how.. do you feel, blade?"

blade probably saw the tears that were threatening to fall down dan heng's eyes as he lifted his hand to cup his cheek, a gentle smile he only ever really reserved for dan heng alone.

"like the demon that once had such control over me is finally laid to rest."

[fatuismooches]

i know i literally just sent an ask but i had shower thoughts ok you need to hear me out immediately (Not really) (but please)

So we see dottore in his.. fucking bird getup during the tatarasuna incident right???? if his plague doctor ass outfit is his modern one then did he just have a phase during the mond incidents???? do his clones have some sort of sentience???? YOU DONT UNDERSTAND I DONT GET IT WAS HYV JUST TOO LAZY TO GIVE US WEBTTORE CRUMBS IM CRYING IM SOBBING.... DOES HE PUT ALL HIS SEGMENTS INTO LITTLE OUTFITS TO SEPARATE THEM????? BUT THE LEAKS SHOW DIFFERENT MASKS FOR EACH OF THEM BUT THEY'RE ALL OF THE SAME STYLE SO??????? I DONT KNOW

you dont get it im crawling up the walls i need answers

and and and and then there's the fact hes Cool Calm and Collected™ during tatarasuna and hehehohohaha during the webtoon????? is that segment just like, extremely young?? (probably)

i need to know the dottore timeline in full this isnt funny he's my meow meow my babygirl even i need more information on him why is he in hyvs basement IM GOING INSANE - 🎈 AAAAAAA

IM HEARING U OUT IMMEDIATELY !!!! 😭 BRO I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO SEE WEBTTORE IN GAME

Well... from what I understand. The Tartarasuna Incident was about 400+ years ago, so Webttore is probably a stage in his life from before then. Perhaps the clone is from when he got expelled and just entered the Fatui, which could explain why Webttore acts like that. Brash, wild, loudly cocky... Prime probably died a bit inside when he cloned himself from that age and saw how he used to act and dress. He's glad he doesn't hehehoho anymore (he still has to listen to Webttore do that in the lab) We still don't know how old Dottore is exactly, nor how many years ago he was in the Akademiya, but I'm personally thinking he's quite old which explains the gap lol

I also need Dottore's full lore so badly 😭 He's genuinely so interesting and I want to know everything! The only thing we can hope is that he also has done terrible things in Fontaine so we can get a few crumbs on him 😍😓

[crumpetz]

every week i reread Grilled Cheese and sob™️. like tears dripping snot running the whole shebang.

but i have Burning questions. in the story, are dick and bruce aware of how fcked up their relationship w tim is? it seemed like dick had some idea (like he feels bad but continues his behavior. Yikes) but idk. do u see them trying to fix it after the fic ends? it plagues my thoughts. Feel free to ignore this tho i just love ur writing 💕

thank you so much :D when i wrote it, i had a whole lot of ideas of how it got to that point and whether bruce or dick were aware!

it was important to me that tim wasn’t just getting upset on his own without anyone realizing they’d done anything. i wanted to write a story where bruce and dick weren’t malicious, but they did lean too hard on tim’s independence and willingness to compromise in a time of great stress, and they were to some level aware they were doing it.

in my mind, both of them had planned to address things with tim when the difficult adjustment period everyone was in had passed. but i imagined also that they were relying on tim to wait for that and to forgive them in the meantime. i didn’t see this as a “bruce and dick treat tim badly specifically” scenario, more like an “oftentimes in families going through a crisis, the kids who can take care of themselves get relied on by the adults unfairly because even adults struggle to navigate things like this.” not to excuse what happened, but to give it a sense of understanding.

but i imagined this all happening when tim was still just barely out of a pretty dark time, and his relationships with dick and bruce didn’t feel stable to him, so even as he was letting things go, it was wearing him down. and, to be fair, i don't see tim telling them all this.

i imagined tim’s accident and his refusal to see anyone but jason sort of shaking bruce and dick out of their autopilot, them being horrified at the state of their relationship with tim, but also having a good idea of how it got that way.

i do definitely see both dick and bruce fixing things with tim eventually, though that would look pretty different for both of them since i see bruce’s parental responsibilities as really different from dick’s older brother role. i put less on dick than i do on bruce because i don’t think dick should’ve been shouldered with so much responsibility for his siblings to begin with.

one thing i really love about bruce and dick is that both of them fixate once they set their sights on something, so now that they’re addressing the stuff with tim, it’ll definitely get better. tim’s also the type to want to forgive people and repair his relationships when he can, so i see them all being fine someday :)

[syn0vial]

3, 8, 13, 16, & 24 (if that's not too many at once !!)

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

honestly, whenever i see a bad take, i endeavor to forget it as soon as possible so it can no longer make me mad. so, whatever is the worst take i've seen, i've certainly already scrubbed it from my mind. sorry, i'm boring

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

dave filoni and jon favreau are often touted as the saviors of star wars, but everything i've seen from them has been pretty mid tbh

13. worst blorbofication

gavin reed from DBH. i don't even go here and even i'm baffled by the amount of fangirls who portray him as some poor, misunderstood woobie even though his role in the story is to be the unrepentent personfication of violent racism.

also, on a related note, in my one playthrough of DBH, i avoided gavin like the plague bc he annoyed me so much, so connor's only major interaction with him was when gavin tried to stop him from getting into the evidence locker and connor immediately decked him in the face. man wanted so badly to be my connor's nemesis and all he got was ignored and unceremoniously punched out. more like gavin left-on-read am i right

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

i'd say boba fett's characterization in TBoBF but tbh i haven't met many people who actually like it :,D

other than that… i can think of many characterizations, tropes, and headcanons that i disagree with, but none where i can't understand the appeal at all. for example, characterizations of boba where he's super suave and charismatic may as well not be boba fett at all as far as i'm concerned, but i understand that some people enjoy having him play that role for shippy purposes. it's not my thing, but i Get it.

24. topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

idk about topics (any topic can elicit rancid discourse if the person talking about it is unhinged enough), but any take from an under-20 tumblr user who opens their post by angrily decrying huge portions of the fandom as "freaks" is bound to be insufferable

[hachimitsuhime]

Feeling fragile when intimate

I want to preface this by saying this is just an essay of me sharing my feelings. I don't want you to feel insecure reading this. I just have to write down my messy, complicated feelings about intimacy and rejection so I can move on and grow past them. We've had bits and pieces of this conversation many times. I initally didn't plan on showing this to you so the formatting is bad, I just wanted to organize my thoughts. But I think showing you my most raw feelings is the best course of action so I can finally get everything out without being emotional like I would in person, and finally feel free of my own emotions that plague me when I'm sad. Since this wasn't originally written to be shown to you, I wrote the things that make me sad first, then the happy things second.

Feels like I'm walking on eggshells because I'm worried about being rejected and ridiculed... it's happened a few times* but it happened when I was trying to put myself out there and express my wants/needs/desires/kinks, worried I might get crazy looks or rejected since he is more vanilla than I am. So I KNOW what I want but I'm scared to express it because I don't want to be "too much". Am worried about weirding him out so I constantly worry if I should be dominant or submissive when I make requests because I want them to be as appealing as possible.

Feel resentful because I am so, so capable of feeling pleasure but I only get 3-4 chances a month at most to try. Have to constantly worry about being caught so it's hard to relax. I know once he sees me orgasm he will be more excited to pleasure me. I have great, exciting orgasms! I can have 10+ in one session! Also depends on whether or not he is in the mood. I'm ok with him rejecting me or not wanting to be intimate but the idea of losing my "chance" if there's an opportunity makes me anxious. Get my hopes up a lot but he gets tired and stuff and while I don't hold it against him at all, it feels like I failed a timed quest. Feels like a failing on my part, not his. I went to bed too late. It's my fault. I timed things wrong. It's my fault. I wasn't sexy enough or was on my period. It's my fault. I guess since we have fewer chances now than we did in the past, I'm afraid we'll have even fewer changes in the future and I really want to have great times ASAP.

Felt like I might cry the other day because by not regulating my actions and just doing what I thought was fun (because of the laughing, tickling, etc) I ruined the moment (belly button incident). Was afraid and sad because I relaxed and it didn't turn out well, thus reinforcing my subconscious fear that expressing my wants and needs and just doing what comes to mind at first and doing what I want and not trying to be sexy will turn out badly. Fear/sadness turned into anger because I felt like I needed to protect myself. I didn't mean to make you feel like I was punishing you for having boundaries. I completely understand. I just got scared and reacted emotionally.

Ok with expressing my sexuality when pleasuring him because I am in a submissive and people-pleasing position and if I do something "weird" but it feels good to him and I am enthusiastic he is almost always okay with it. Helps me build my confidence because I can do something "right". I enjoy it, it makes me happy, and it turns me on and makes him happy, and I know for sure he's not mad at me, grossed out by me, frustrated, or bored. When he gets frustrated with me I immediately become anxious and want to do anything to fix it, even if I have to do something I don't want to do. I start picking myself apart and thinking of all my bad qualities that he might not like, physical and personality wise and thinking if I fixed those things he would be happier with me and never get frustrated with me.

Frustrated because he's been nice and patient to me and tries his best, and seems at least mostly willing to do what I need him to but I'm afraid to ask because what if what I need is too much?

I feel like I'm starting from a negative score and trying to get back to zero. I know I'm excessively sensitive and I'm afraid if I mess up too many times I'll be too afraid to be able to enjoy intimacy with him or I'll become so angry and resentful I won't be able to stand it. I haven't had a bad experience in a long time. Things have been great. But part of my brain thinks it's because I haven't asked for too much in a while. I don't ever want to break up but I'm worried he will want to because I can't stop thinking about this stuff. Also worried I'll begin to feel like I'm unworthy of sexual intimacy again like I have in the past. The worst part is I know this is because I'm terrible at letting things go that have hurt me and my anxiety is amplifying it. Afraid to keep saying these things to him and making him feel like he's on thin ice when it's my problem. But I feel like I need to express my frustrations to work through them and I can't really tell anybody else how I feel.

The hurtful moments from the past repeat in my head over and over when I'm alone, before bed, when I wake up, when I'm horny, and before and after I masturbate. I think about them weekly and I have for years. Tonight is one of these nights, having a good, quiet night, but wide awake which makes me think. There were a few months (been a while) where every time I orgasmed I cried because I don't need that much and I should be worth it. It's not hard, am I just not worth it? I've had to call out of work because I couldn't sleep because these thoughts and everything else I've put in this post obsessively swam around in my head for days and nights.

It's hard for me to bring these things up slowly because every time I bring them up I hurt you. And I feel like I'm being silly once I see you and feel how much you love me. Like, why was I so insecure? I know this man loves me and I love him. But then the uncertainty creeps in as soon as we become intimate. Why does he not just go after me with the same excitement that I go after him? I've trained myself to become most sexually excited by BJ porn so that I don't get "hurt" emotionally. Why can't he be just as excited about pleasuring me? So I just go after him before I have a chance to get rejected because I'm afraid. It's an instant reflex, I don't even think about it. He always asks me if I'm sure. I say yes because while it's what I want to do, I'm also sure because I'm afraid that if I take too many more hits I won't be able to handle it.

He says, "what do you want me to do?" I say, "I'm not sure". But I know what I want. I panic and block it out and tell myself I don't know. Because my brain says, if he actually wanted to touch me, he would just do it. That's what I did. I wanted to touch him so I tried everything that I thought might feel nice until something worked. And I've tried to tell him what I wanted in the past and got rejected. I don't want to hold it above his head like he has commited mortal sins. I want to move on and I have to move on. But I guess I have to feel like my pleasure is wanted and safe first. I feel so much safer now. But I still have a bit to go and I think this will help.

*Specific instances of things not turning out "right" in the past that I cannot get over until I feel like my sexual desires are not a burden, in no specific order. Some of, maybe most of these have already been discussed but they still hurt me deeply:

**Note, these are all old and happened early on in our relationship. But they still hurt me sometimes. I don't mention these things to guilt trip you. I just have to share my feelings.

All my most recent experiences have been wonderful :) **

• We discussed squirting early on. I expressed that I did it once in my teens, or maybe just got very wet, and it hasn't happened again. This was met with an "ew" which, while understandable, makes me terrified that if I do it again accidentally, I will be perceived as "gross".

• Multiple instances of asking to be touched, told that I will be next after finishing, get met with a "Nah, I'm too tired, maybe later". Made me feel like a cheap lay. If I had gotten a clear no I wouldn't have minded.

• This has been pretty much cleared up as a misunderstanding but if I get sad enough it still pops up: Mentioned something about touching my chest as a source of pleasure, I don't remember exactly what I said. Was told, "I just touch your breasts for my own pleasure" (which I took to mean he just uses my body for his own pleasure, not taking into consideration what I like and doing it for my pleasure. Also made me feel used)

• Having to ask multiple times to wash fast food/spices/seasoning off of hands so that I can be touched and not get a burn/bacterial/yeast infection and being met with resistance.

• The MAJOR heartbreaker: One of the times hands weren't washed, he finished, and I said, "will you touch me too?" I was laying on his chest in lingerie. A moment of complete exposure and vulnerability. He laughed a little, smiled at me and said, "Sorry, I can't! I didn't wash my hands!" He had no intention of getting up or saying sorry. This was a funny moment! This is a joke! I was instantly filled with some of the greatest hurt I've ever experienced. I was used for a blowjob and that was it. A tool. A means to an end. No intention of making this an equally intimate moment. I tried my hardest to make this a romantic moment but I was just there as a toy. I'm already completely, totally, and fully in love with this man and I'm still just a female he is dating. Instantly regretted ever becoming sexually active because I wasn't emotionally ready but I wanted to share intimacy. When I get particularly upset this thought returns sometimes, like maybe I wouldn't have had these problems if I was assertive enough to make you wait longer. This thought goes away almost instantly every time. I would have immediately got dressed and gone home but I didn't want my mom to ask why I came home early. My mind and heart were racing. "Maybe I should dump him. This is a red flag." He noticed I was upset. Said, "I mean, I could do something, but if you're upset it probably won't be enjoyable. Let's play games instead". We sat and played Kerbal Space Program. He chatted about the game like nothing ever happened. I sat in the old blue chair in nothing but black lingerie, overpriced socks and garters I specially bought for him to make him like me, and a robe. I feel ashamed and exposed, like a stupid, cheap prostitute. Have I ever felt so used? It wasn't even the rejection. It was the rejection made into a joke like I was silly for ever expecting reciprocation.

•Valentine's Day 2022: A wonderful day where we're all alone in the house... you bought me flowers, made me a necklace, we share the chocolates, we play and laugh and cook. I make you come at least 3 times. I ask, please touch me today. You say, absolutely. Next time I'll touch you. It'll happen today. You ask me to walk around and cook without my bra. I feel exposed and like one sided fan service. But.. its okay.. we're equally romantic today. But.. it never happened. Sorry you say, sorry it didn't happen today. I feel used again because we agreed.. and it didn't happen.

• Early in the relationship I mentioned something about taking a long time to finish because I was nervous and not sure what felt good yet (P.S, nothing feels good if I'm anxious). You said something like, "I've given up on trying to make you finish. I don't expect it to happen". I don't know if your intention was to take the pressure off of me but it felt like you didn't want to try anymore because it was "futile". I know I'm extra sensitive but try to imagine how it would feel if you had trouble orgasming and I said that to you.

• A few separate times you made fun of/were grossed out by my wetness, said things were weird or looked weird. Eww what is this. Why is it like this. Afraid to look at my anatomy and talk about it like it's alien. But you did compliment me by saying, "From what I saw down there it looks pretty good". I like compliments about my anatomy, just like you. Mixed messages. Said you want period sex but I got a little blood on you by accident once and you freaked out. I felt so embarassed because I didn't realize. Told me you prefer me shaved but that doesn't make you touch me more. Things have gotten a little better on this front though.

• Resentful that we had over a year of weekly free and alone time and you touched me a handful of times. Have to struggle to get alone time nearly three years in and now we're just getting very intimate.

Things that I want sexually, and want to be able to express but it's too hard for me to say it to your face because I'm afraid to be judged like a harlot (like so 🫣🤨😰):

• I want oral sex!! I want it every time if possible. Besides feeling good physically, I think this is a mental thing too because I know you will be doing it for my pleasure. I can't stop keeping track of how many times I've made you orgasm orally and I want it to be reciprocated. Since we're not doing PiV I want things to be equal. The first time you sort of went down on me by kissing my legs and underwear without me asking, I literally cried. I covered my face and hyperventilated because I didn't have to ask you and be rejected. You did something I wanted and I didn't have to beg for it. I don't expect you to magically know, but it felt nice to be surprised. The first time you actually went down on me I was so happy. You said you would do it for years, I didn't want to push, but I asked you in a moment of bravery, and you did it. It felt so good. I wanted it to go on forever. I think I could have come with a little more time. We 69'd one other time and it was great. But you haven't tried to give me oral again and so I'm afraid to ask. Every time I ask for something or the pleasure is just on me, you seem hesitant and maybe bored, which scares me. Every time I tested the waters in the past by mentioning 69ing or face sitting you cringed. So I'm too scared to be rejected. I tell you this and you say, "That's fair". I'm looking for a little more reassurance, please! Maybe you're just nervous too. But I don't expect you to be perfect. I want to learn what feels good together, like we did with pleasuring you. I don't want the stakes to feel high.

• I need to be wetter. It hurts when I'm not wet enough because I need a lot of foreplay, like about 20-30 minutes which I know isn't usually possible. That's why I'm so much hornier after touching you, because I'm finally wet and engorged with bloos enough for it to feel pleasurable. I use my saliva or coconut oil on you, and in lieu of extensive foreplay, I want you to use your saliva or coconut oil too.

• I think your bodily fluids are sexy. I love your cum and I love sloppy makeouts. You've become more conservative with your kissing which makes me think you don't like it. You know how I lick your ears and your neck? I want you to lick me all over too. I want you to lube me up with your spit down there. It makes me feel wanted, like you can't control yourself and like you're making me yours. Feels cringey to say but it's nice.

• I love dirty talk and compliments!!! You seem to be warming up to it now, but when we went to the beach and I used it, you were horrified. I felt like I made a big mistake and I'm nervous about asking for it again. But I want you to compliment me and tease me and talk dirty to me. I want to be your pretty good girl that you want to do vividly graphic and descriptive things to. I'm a big fan of the idea of "breeding" but I'm afraid of making you think I actually want a baby any time soon, which I absolutely do not want.

• I love when you touch my face, the front and back of my neck, squeeze me with your arms or legs, etc. It makes me realize that you are so much stronger than me but you won't hurt me and I can trust you with some of my most sensitive places like my neck. It feels very arousing and freeing to know that I'm safe. This is a new thing for me (last year, year and a half or so) because I don't feel like you're taking advantage of me anymore and that you love me.

• Since we have so many sessions where the pleasure is only about you, I would love a chance to only be pleasured, a session just focused on me. I love touching you but sometimes I feel like I'm taking too long and I'm worried you're going to be frustated with me if you don't get to cum soon. So if it felt like you just wanted me to feel good selflessly I would be honored. This isn't a requirement, just something I'd like to try one day.