#also i loved how at one point the male lead got some weird ass superhero powers and proceeded to do absolutely nothing with them bc he got

[awu-wangxuan]

another drama that didn't work for me: blood free (kdrama). bland storytelling, ineffective visuals and just overall tedious.

[shiavanzin]

💀  * [ timothee chalamet + cis male + he/him ] —— have you met zigmund ‘shia’ ivan vanzin? they are a twenty  year old junior currently studying political science. they live on decker house, and word around campus is that this gemini is witty + charming, as well as manipulative + self destructive. i wonder if they’ll make it out alive. snorting lines off a priceless mirror, writing ancient runes in cigarette ash, the thrill of victory that accompanies a low ‘checkmate’. 

hello all, my name is pepper and i have never been on time for anything, ever, in my life so this is very on brand for me! that said, i am very excited to be here. shia is one of my favourite muses but because of his background it’s kind of hard for me to find places to play him, so i really jumped at the chance to be a part of this rp. that said, he is heathen so sdkjdsjk you’ve been warned, i suppose.

ABOUT THE MUN. fuck this *unfocuses my eyes*

fun fact about me, i’ve been working every day for the last ten days so i love that for me dkjdkj which is literally why me getting myself here was so chaotic honestly but i’m here i made it and we love to see it. honestly i am just a humble fergie enthusiast (patiently waiting for my girl to come back from her hiatus. any day now). i would die for a good aesthetic like pinterest owns my ass. i am big fan of the bachelor and specifically demi from the bachelor (demi from the bachelor if you are reading this i would like to hang out with you friday when i am free. please contact me if you’re able to hang out (on friday when i am free)). i am a huge superhero nerd. the first fanfic i ever wrote was a teen titans/danny phantom crossover and honestly? most ambitious crossover of all time, sorry endgame. i’ve never seen star wars or lord of the rings, and i’m okay with that. oh, and funnily enough i have never played chess which is about to be very ironic and i think that’s the perfect transition into shia’s bio.

BIO. child abuse tw, addiction tw, drug tw, and i think that’s it rip. 

(tldr literally just click the link in the second bullet point for a summary because that’s how shia grew up, with psychologist parents determined to make him a prodigy. he is technically a prodigy now as the youngest grandmaster in history. his family is weird and fucked up and cold blah blah blah takes a lot of drugs, drinks a lot of alcohol to cope with his messed up childhood blah blah blah went to boarding school for high school. oh, and there’s a meme of him. and that’s pretty much it.)

okay first of all here is shia’s pinterest board and here is his playlist, which is honestly just??? really messy and just filled with songs that remind me of him (like it doesn’t flow at all i’m pretty sure yk) so! yeah!

second of all, shia’s backstory is thoroughly inspired by a true story. like I legitimately found this (look at the early life portion to see what i’m talking about if you want but i’m about to explain it all below anyways) and was like !!!???? so yes, that’s how this mess was born (although i highkey think that gerard way got inspo from that family for the umbrella academy like??? that’s my little conspiracy theory. WHERE ARE THEIR ROYALTIES GERARD!)

Shia doesn’t remember life before he was adopted. Before he was Zigmund Ivan Vanzin, the fourth child of the carefully selected Vanzin 6. Honestly he’s not quite sure his life prior is of much importance, because things didn’t truly get crazy until after he was officially taken in by the Vanzin family at the tender age of two.

Shia and his five siblings were all part of an educational experiment carried out by their parents, Moira and Yakov Vanzin, in an attempt to prove that children could be trained to be prodigies if immersed in a specialist subject from a very early age. ‘Geniuses are made, not born’, was the tagline of their parents thesis, and the foundation on which Shia and his siblings’ entire childhood was based on. They would all be molded into prodigies, and they would be living, breathing proof of their parents achievements.

Because of the magnitude of their experiment, and Shia’s parents reputation (both of Shia’s parents was a very famous educational psychologists in their own right, and due to their fame, their experiment and their children were covered in magazines and newspapers worldwide. To this day a quick google search will lead you pictures of the Vanzin 6 growing up slowly on the covers of publications such as Times Magazine, Forbes, People, and of course a myriad of academic magazines as well.) they received heavy criticism at the time from some western media for ‘depriving the siblings of a normal childhood.’ But since all of the Vanzin children were born and raised in Russia, that criticism didn’t do much in the way of stopping them. Shia’s parents coolly ignored it all. They wanted to leave a mark. To change the future. And they both truly believed that their research would do that. They believed their work would completely revolutionize the way that children were educated, and that therefore, they would revolutionize the future.

And so the children were affectionately dubbed The Vanzin 6 by the media that wasn’t completely against the experiment. A cute little nickname smacked on what would normally be considered a child endangerment lawsuit. Sure, there were still those that protested, but their cries were quiet in comparison to the roars of the intrigued, of the curious, of the fans, because of course there were fans. So it goes without saying that Shia’s first photo op was when he was still in diapers. He smiled cheekily through the whole thing, in striking contrast to his siblings all staring empty eyed into the camera. Their lives were pretty much put on constant display from that point on, and honestly, at least in terms of Shia’s approach to photo ops, not much has changed on that front.

Shia’s parents educated their six children at home, each with their own specific subject to focus on. From the age of four, Shia, or Zigmund, as his birth certificate so lovingly displayed, (it should be noted that Moira and Yakov named all of their children after psychologists, and that Shia was simply unlucky enough to get Freud. So perhaps lovingly wasn’t the right word.) showed a talent for chess, and therefore that talent was ‘nurtured’. In other words, Shia was only allowed to live and breathe chess from the cursed day his chubby little fingers picked up a chess piece to, presumably, the day he died. If he wasn’t eating, sleeping, or doing his school work, Shia was playing chess. First he played against his father, and mother, and siblings and when that stopped posing a challenge, he got involved in official competitions. Those were somehow even less of a challenge, but granted, his siblings were being trained into geniuses. At first he played children his age, and then slightly older, and then much older, which Shia will admit, was the most fun. Even as a child there was just something about seeing a grown man go red in the face with frustration as he lost to a child. Something amusing. Something powerful. Admittedly, chess got old. But that specific red faced look never did.

Shia rose up the ranks slowly and steadily from then on, already creating quite a stir in the world of chess by the age of six. And considering this was what they wanted, you would think his parents would be proud. Thrilled even. However that was not completely the case.

For as long as Shia can remember his relationship with his parents had been more ‘professional’ than affectionate. To start, he and his siblings all called them both by their first names. Considering he was adopted, Shia would never know what his first word was, that memory was lost to him and kept only by the parents who didn’t want him enough to keep him in the first place. But even if he was born to Moira and Yakov, if the two were his flesh and blood, he knows with absolute surety that the first words to come out of his mouth wouldn’t have been ‘Mama’ or ‘Papa’. The two never referred to themselves that way, and they didn’t expect their children to either. Shia remembers with painful clarity first and only time he tried. Or rather, he remembers the stomach turning look of both confusion and contempt from Moira that followed the one time he tried. He never tried again.

His parents didn’t offer much when it came to what normal parents did he supposed. He didn’t receive much physical affection from them, or sugar coated words. They were their parents, yes, but they were also their handlers, and being raised with that emotional distance definitely had an impact on Shia’s psyche. All Shia wanted to do was impress his parents. Maybe get a good job, or a hug, or a smile. The kind of things he’d seen other kids get just for breathing, or using a toilet. But he knew his parents expected more. He knew they expected the best. So the only way he knew how to achieve his goal of attaining his parents affection was to work harder. To be the best he could at chess, the best anyone could at chess, and once he did that he knew his parents would reward him. He knew they would love him for taking the first step to make their dreams come true. When he was young he used to have dreams of that reward. Of how good it would feel to know they were proud of him. He imagined it feeling warm. And light, like he’d read in books. He imagined it feeling worth it.

Shia and his siblings were never the children that got asked that question, you know, the question that all children can relate to answering with bubbling wide eyed excitement. ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ The answer was laid out for them. It was decided before they even had a chance to think about it, and any time someone made the mistake of asking them the question, their parents  answered for them. She will be the world’s youngest prima ballerina. She will be a legend in the musical field. He will be grandmaster. No, dreams weren’t for the Vanzin children, so Shia’s kept his quiet. Kept it close to his heart where his parents couldn’t admonish him for being sentimental or fickle or any of the other large words they used that Shia was only instructed to look up in the dictionary. His dream of gaining their favour was his, and his alone. Shia learned very quickly in life to keep your cards close, and your heart buried.

And after years of hard work and dedication, and a lot of blood sweat and tears, Shia did it. He won. He finally beat everyone there was to beat, and at the youngest recorded age of ten to boot. Shia was officially the world’s youngest grandmaster. His record has still yet to be beat to this day. And that day, he looked to his parents, ready for them to run to him and shower him with the affection and praise he longed for. It didn’t take long for the ecstatic expression on his young face to fall.

The most Shia got was an approving nod from his mother from across the room. His father, for his part, was on a phone call. That was it. The crowd roared around him, and the audience clapped with the enthusiasm usually reserved for sports games and concerts. The reporters at the event stumbled over their words trying to communicate the record breaking event that they had just witnessed, from one of the lionized Vanzin 6. It was chaos, beautiful, celebratory chaos, all for Shia, but it was all a blur around him. He couldn’t see it. All he could see was Moira and Yakov, turning away from him and towards each other, whispering god knows what. He had their full attention for maybe all of a minute. They didn’t even smile.

(There is live video of Shia having his dream crushed right before his eyes. Recordings of it on youtube. How many people can say that, aye? The true power of celebrity. The gif of Shia’s shocked and empty expression amidst a crowd of ballistic celebration even became a meme at one point, a meme that Shia later bitterly used on occasion, because what was more powerful than using a meme of yourself? Than using your own pain for humour? Nothing, in Shia’s opinion.)

After Shia became grandmaster everything stopped. After all, there was nothing more to train him for. He had achieved his goal. He had won. And with his parents no longer focusing on training him and leaving him completely to his own devices, well, they stopped paying attention to him completely. Shia was all at once almost completely emancipated. The freedom of it all was freeing for all of a week. Then, Shia started to feel painfully invisible.

Prior to becoming grandmaster, Shia was quiet. Polite. Very calm, very observant, a bit distant and reserved for a kid, but no real red flags. Afterwards, however? After he felt like his parents no longer had any use for him, no longer had any anything for him, well Shia lashed out. Rebelled. Became louder, sharper tongued, more mischievous. He started acting out in hopes that they would give him some of the attention he so desperately craved, and while they did, none of it was positive. Shia quickly became the problem child of the Vanzin 6, somehow both his parents pride and joy as the first of their children to reach their goal, but also their greatest disappointment as the first one to turn against them.

Without chess to focus on, Shia turned to his siblings for entertainment. However Shia’s version of entertainment was never completely harmless. From a young age he had a habit of using people like chess pieces, of manipulating them and turning them against each other or towards each other for his own cheap entertainment. Shia could singlehandedly trick his siblings out of an argument when he was younger (or into an argument, when he was feeling particularly chaotic). He could trick the few peers he came across into simply giving him their toys or snacks, and trick bullies into leaving him alone a good amount of time too. It was both a gift and a curse, because people were never quite happy when they caught on. Most didn’t but the few that did were memorable in the violence of their anger. And besides, his parents never liked it. Shia would come home with an armful of toys that other kids ‘gave’ him and his parents would always force him to go bring them back, despite the fact that the Vanzin children were never really allowed toys of their own. The fact was, Shia’s moral compass was faulty. He never quite understood why what he was doing was wrong no matter how many times his parents tried to explain to him that people were not to be used as tools. Shia didn’t get how what he was doing was that much different from what they were. After all, weren’t Shia and his siblings nothing more than tools in his parents experiment? He asked them the question once. All he got for his efforts was a stinging cheek and a cold reminder from Moira not to be cheeky.

As Shia got older his rebellion got worse. In his defense, he was left unsupervised. While his siblings were busy with their training, Shia would be sneaking out to parties or bars or clubs. It was in those places that he was introduced to his first great loves. Drugs and alcohol. Moira and Yakov kept the Vanzin mansion dry as a monastery, so Shia had never even had a sip of beer before the age of thirteen. But the moment he did, he was a goner. Or rather the moment he got drunk he was a goner. There was something so beautiful to him about intoxication. So addicting, for lack of better word. When he was high, or drunk, or preferably, both, he felt happy. He didn’t remember his parents, or his responsibilities, or his failures, or even his successes. He was warm. And light. And content. Turns out he didn’t need his parents to make his dreams come true. Just a bottle of vodka and a line or two of coke.

After about a year of Shia coming home drunk or high or a combination of the two, eventually his parents couldn’t take it anymore (in the sharp words of Moira Vanzin, ‘Zigmund your behaviour is distracting your siblings from their training’) and sent him off to boarding school. Honestly, it hurt. His parents were basically getting rid of him because he was inconvenient, and he could never forget their out of sight out of mind approach to the whole thing.

Boarding school flew by in a mess of Riot Club like antics during which Shia did things like discover his bisexuality and somehow, against all odds, graduate. (TBH I wanna leave this pretty open in case there is any other boarding school kids who could have perhaps gone to the same school Shia did, so hmu if you have a boarding school kiddo.) He definitely attributes his acceptance to Holloway on his name completely, because honestly Shia was completely high when he wrote his college application, so high that he can’t even remember why he did it. He had no plans of going to college before that, but he figured... why not party in america and waste his parents money? What was stopping him?

So here he is, a whole mess in another country, and honestly he’s having the time of his life. Well, you know. Until people started dying. That isn’t ideal.

PERSONALITY. emotionally damaged, but make it sexy.

manipulative (we been knew) sometimes without really trying to be though. will manipulate people to get what he wants, but sometimes he just thinks of it like a nudge in the right direction. like he’ll manipulate a friend into talking to that girl they’ve had a crush on for half the year just because he wants them to be happy (and also he’s tired of hearing them talk about her)

selfish/self centered cause it’s just not?? his first instinct to think about other people’s feelings?? and it’s also kind of hard for him to empathize sometimes, especially if he’s never been in that situation or he doesn’t like KNOW and CARE about the person.

charming and charismatic, he’s got a great smile and he knows how to use it. also just very endearing if you don’t know him well, and even sometimes when you do. this is mostly a facet of him being very manipulative because he usually uses his charm to get what he wants, but still.

witty oof, this boy’s humour is inspired by klaus hargreeves and villanelle (what a duo,,, when will they meet) and he’s very rarely serious. always telling jokes, always pretty nudge nudge wink wink, even in very serious situations when he shouldn’t be. uses humour as a coping mechanism 100%, whether that’s at his own expense or someone else’s. honestly, can be kind of mean with it? like if anyone can go for the jugular with a joke it’s shia.

a big flirt honestly. will flirt with anyone he’s interested in, and will sometimes flirt without really noticing it? sometimes will flirt just for sport, or for fun, or to bug someone, or throw someone off. the type to flirt with his professor as a joke (why has he not been kicked out of here already) and has probably slept with a professor as a result. not really a player, but he enjoys physical intimacy and he knows how to get it. has been in more than a few relationships in the past, but is never very good at it because he’s almost constantly looking out for number one, aka himself. so? a mess basically.

vengeful, petty, spiteful, vindictive, all when angry or jealous or feeling as if he’s been wronged in some way but we been knew,,, we been knew.

rebellious !! still the type to suggest skipping town and partying instead of sticking around for exams. not really invested in school tbh. he has no idea what he’s going to do with his future.

a big superiority complex! cocky as hell! kind of acts like he’s the best thing since sliced bread because he was over praised as a child by like everyone but his parents. the type to think he ain’t shit deep down so he acts like he’s The Shit yk

craves love and intimacy but thinks romance is a sham. a big pessimist like ‘we’re all just floating on this rock life is meaningless we’re all gonna die anyways’ pessimist but kind of a realist tbh, he just doesn’t see the reason to sugar coat things unless ofc he’s manipulating someone then he’ll say whatever he needs to

trust issues, after his parents tbh. the only people he trusts 100% are his siblings and maybe a few close friends. i honestly may put in a wanted connection for his siblings at one point, but that’s for later.

HEADCANNONS. running for your life (from shia labeouf) he’s brandishing a knife (it’s shia labeouf)

a thick russian accent. speaks pretty impeccable english though because his parents tutored him in the english as a child. He also speaks a bit of french, german, and latin, and is currently taking mandrin chinese.

Is taking political science because he figures being a politician is just manipulating people on a larger scale, and he’d be right. However he’s not sure if that’s what he’ll actually end up going into. Honestly, Shia isn’t the slightest bit sure what he actually wants to do with his life.

His eldest sibling Jean was the one to give Shia the nickname ‘Shia’ after he confided in her that he’s always hated his name, and he’s gone by it ever since. His parents still call him Zigmund, and some of his siblings probably still call him Zig or Ziggy but like i said sdkdsk he has always hated the name (he does not want to be associated with the guy who invented the concept of the Oedipus complex). The only nickname he can stomach sometimes is Z, but other than that he’ll only accept Shia (or Shy to a select few).

was never raised with a television?? didn’t even go to a MOVIE THEATER until he was like fourteen??? so he has absolutely NO idea who Shia Laboeuf really is. People keep making jokes about it to him and he’s like ???? Honestly he googled him once and just gave up after thirty seconds, convinced people were fucking with him because this person couldn’t be real dlksdskld anyways yeah, knows next to nothing about a lot of pop culture, especially anything like before 2010, but has learnt a bit since coming out of his families little bubble. But there are still times where Shia’s like ??? what tf is that and someone’s got to explain what rolly polly olly is to him yk

Shia has a photographic memory, but honestly he doesn’t really care about it. In his eyes having a photographic memory doesn’t make you a genius, it just makes tests easier. Like to him it just means he doesn’t have to flip through his source material for quotes sdkjsdjk. It’s nothing exciting to him sdkdsk he skipped a grade because of it though but honestly?? All he really uses it for now is receipts like a little shit. Shia will legit be in an argument like “oh that wasn’t what you said in that text you sent to me at 4:45 on monday june 3rd 2017???” sdkjsdj. Occasionally he also uses it as a party trick, like if you give him a specific date he could probably tell you the newspaper headline on that day.

Has zero athletic skill. Absolutely none. Would one hundred percent lose in a fight, which is funny because he talks SO MUCH SHIT. He talks constant shit, and yet if you were to throw a punch at Shia he would go down like a rock. He doesn’t particularly care if he gets his ass beat though, so he continues to talk large amounts of shit, occasionally from a safe distance but usually not.

Honestly if you were to see him and his parents interact today it’d be wild, like you wouldn’t even know they were related. They literally act like strangers or acquaintances. Like it’s all like ‘Moira, Yakov, good to see you.’ and ‘You too Zigmund. I trust you’ve been well?’ and that goes on for like five minutes and then Shia has to hyperventilate in a corner for a bit. Like it’s so weird but it’s just been like that all his life. Normal healthy affection??? He doesn’t know her

Has a tattoo of a queen piece on the index finger of his left hand, as a little nod to what used to be his passion. Is also left handed.

Has a scar through his eyebrow that he got on a wild night out when he was thirteen. He got drunk and like passed out, and hit his head hit the edge of a table in the process. There was a lot of blood and a lot of panic, but in the end Shia only had to get a few stitches and he was very quickly back on his bullshit the moment he left the hospital. Literally, he went straight from the hospital to a house party (after all, it’s not like his parents even came to visit him and make sure he got home, so Shia simply did whatever he wanted to.)

Has a helix piercing in his right ear. It’s just a very basic silver hoop though.

His parents never really let the siblings have hobbies, but I imagine one of Shia’s siblings is a horse riding prodigy so he has some experience in that. One of them is a language prodigy, hence why Shia is conversational in so many. Jean, the eldest, is a musical prodigy and has lovingly taught Shia a bit of piano and violin. He is nowhere near as good at those things as he was at chess, but doing any of them reminds him of his siblings, so he tends to actually turn to them more often than chess. If I’m being honest I don’t think that Shia has played a game of chess since he became grandmaster unless forced to by his parents?

Mentally Shia knows he’s an adult now and that his parents technically have no control over him, but emotionally whenever they look at him he just… feels like that empty little kid again.

Tends to always have one of those travel sized bottles of vodka on him so if you’re feeling stressed hit your boy up.

Has honestly been rich since the day he was adopted, like literally has no idea how to function without copious amounts of money?

Shia is staying in the Decker dorms because he thrives on the chaos.

Definitely an addict, definitely high functioning though but also like? It isn’t a secret? I contemplated making it a secret but once again Shia has always got a travel sized bottle of vodka on him sdkjsd you can see him casually spiking his drinks if you’re ever out with him, he pops whatever pills he can find in his pockets in the morning. So yeah it is not a secret that Shia is an addict, he is rarely sober and that’s the way he likes it. Doesn’t consider himself an addict though, funnily enough.

WANTED CONNECTIONS. god we finally got here sjsdj if you got this far you’re the real mvp.

okay to start here is my wc tag for shia so i would absolutely love anything inspired by anything in that tag.

FRIENDS FROM BOARDING SCHOOL. i already talked about this a bit but i would absolutely love it so i’m mentioning it again sdjds i am really flexible about where shia went to boarding school, so literally wherever your muse went works for me. all i want is some dead poets society antics you feel me.

CHILDHOOD FRIEND. listen to me. i love childhood friend connections so much give it to me please and i will give you my first born child in exchange. again, shia grew up in russia, but it could be a long distance friendship if need be. we can make it work, i will literally change stuff around to make it work.

PREVIOUS ONE NIGHT STANDS. honestly shia would have multiple of these cause he’s a hoe. did he ghost your muse? did they mutually ghost each other? was it a one night stand gone wrong?

ENEMY. it’s so easy to hate him man. anyone who wants to hate him please feel free. did shia screw your muse over? did he manipulate them? did he i don’t know throw up on their shoes while particularly drunk? maybe shia was high when he did the thing they hate him for, maybe he doesn’t even remember but he just hates them cause they hate him. it’s the principle of the thing really. (me in my head: *junie b jones vc* princiPAL cause he’s your PAL). unreasonable completely baseless hate for no reason at all? 

FLIRTATIONSHIP. a fun ‘will they, won’t they’ kind of situation because why not. what’s stopping us. just fun banter on both ends. 

EXES. shia doesn’t date so he wouldn’t have too many of these but it would be fun. maybe their relationship was toxic because of shia’s toxic ass traits skjdsj maybe things were getting real and shia dipped like the coward he is. maybe it’s was a the colonel x sarah esque relationship where no one got it because they both seemed to hate each other the whole time and they very much did hate each other but were dating anyways. maybe it’s maybeline. 

FWB/EWB. honestly this is more shia’s speed, so he’d probably have more of these as well as ex-fwbs/ewbs, which is such a fun concept. did it stop because someone caught feelings? or did they just get bored of each other? some other reason? but okay, back to the point, yes sexy enemies. sexy friends. we love to see it. 

HIGH SOCIETY. someone he gets fucked up with! multiple people he gets fucked up with! they party together, drink together, do lines together. it’s a beautiful relationship of them all enabling each other. 

GOOD INFLUENCE. counter actively. someone who tries to get shia away from his self destructive tendencies. someone who’s door he comes knocking at when he’s black out drunk because he knows they’ll give him a place to sleep. Someone he calls when he ends up in butt fuck nowhere with no shoes after a crazy night. Also, as wild as it is, flip it, where Shia’s hypocritical ass cares about your muse enough to try and take care of them. High off his ass but still trying to stick his fingers down their throat so they don’t get alcohol poisoning. They text him when they’re ‘going home’ when they were pre-gaming at their house in the first place. Shia is very ‘you would die without me’ about this person.

BAD INFLUENCE. shia is the devil kronk on their shoulder. he tempts them to the dark side with promises of a good time, and he delivers thank you very much. 

A DRUG DEALER. i mean??? i’m ngl shia i very dependent on drugs, so he would probably keep this person close and do his best to keep them happy.

SOMEONE SHIA CHEATS FOR OR CHEATED FOR. maybe shia did their homework or took a test for them, all for an ominous ‘you owe me’?

SOMEONE SHIA SCREWED OVER. he does this all the time so yeah there can be multiples of this skjsdj shia is honestly like genuinely loyal to only a few people, so there are probably more than few people he left in the dust to save his own skin. maybe he saw the cops closing in on a party and left your muse for dead! or whatever else yk.

ANNOYANCE. it’s shia he’s the annoyance. 

okay i think that’s all i’ve got, and if you made it all the way down here you’re??? an icon??? wow, i really can’t believe. please like this if you want to plot and i will come running!

[disappearinginq]

Tag Game

Tag Game

I was tagged by both @amandagaelic and @waitingforthestarstofall

1. What was the last movie you watched in theaters? I think...either Little Women or Knives Out (for the second time). 

2. What’s your favorite game to play? One that I call Murder Mansion, but I think is actually called Betrayal at House on the Hill or one called Bang! - mostly because it was the most hilarious introduction to a game I have ever had where I got to play a trigger happy unlimited round packing Sheriff who everyone was trying to kill and my besties from the dawn of time were in fact my loyal deputies. 

3. Chocolate or vanilla? Vanilla, if I must only pick between those two.

4. What’s the last show you binge-watched? Yellowstone or Locke & Key

5. Do you have any pets? Oh dear. Yes. Three cats, two horses, and three dogs (though technically I might own a third horse, who knows at this point?).  

6. What’s your favorite fairy tale? Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves. 

7. Who’s your favorite superhero? Batman - not the one that they keep portraying as an abusive asshole like Howard Stark, but the one who legit went to court to keep Jason Todd as his son and dipped out from being Batman and Bruce Wayne social obligations when Jason needed him and collected orphans and tried to make sure they wouldn’t turn out like him. 

8. Who’s you favorite Disney Princess? Pocahontas or Tiger Lily probably, though I was never really a fan of the princess movies. I liked Treasure Planet and Great Mouse Detective where there were zero romantic subplots or princesses. 

9. Where’s the first place you’re going to go after the social distancing is over? ALASKA. BECAUSE THAT WAS THE PLAN BEFORE THIS HYAH! SHITSHOW! 

10. Cookies or Cake? Cookies. I am weirdly not a fan of cake. 

+ 10 questions from @teenwolf-theoriginals:

1. which show could you watch over and over? Lucifer, Daredevil (and add-ons), Republic of Doyle

2. favourite song lyric? " I choose my eyes wide open/And my heart half-broken every time/Over the gilded golden shackle/And the reassuring sentimental lie.”

3. favourite season of your favourite tv show? Lucifer season 4, Daredevil Season 1, and...whatever season ends with Jake Doyle getting kidnapped and locked unconscious in a shipping container bound for Mexico

4. what never fails to make you smile/happy? Cirque De Sewer videos on Facebook (ren fair comedy show with cats and rats and a former ballerina). 

5. how are you doing with all that’s going on in the world (virus, having to do social distancing, etc)? I feel really weird saying this, but the quarantine is working out freakishly well for me. My sister, who hasn’t lived nearby since 2010, came to visit for our mom’s 70th birthday just before the travel ban, so she’s been here for a little over 2 weeks now, which is the most I have seen her in 10 years. We live in a small town on a farm, so I have a lot to keep me busy outdoors without having to go to public outdoor places. My job is 100% capable of being 100% remote, we always buy from the warehouses when we have coupons so we have plenty of food and paper goods, we have puzzles out the wazoo to keep us busy when the weather is bad, we have a huge garden every year so if this keeps up we’ll have all our own food and eleventy billion movies and crochet projects, etc. I’m also a hella hermit normally, so this is not really all that new. Little mad I can’t go help a friend paint their house, but eh. Small price compared to a lot of others.  

6. we all love new music to listen to, name an artist that is underrated/you think people should check out? Janet Devlin. Irish/English folk singer I found on Spotify. 

7. tv show or movie? TV show. I love the level of character development that can happen when given the opportunity. 

8. favourite holiday? Thanksgiving. All the food. And less work than Fourth of July, because July means I get roped into directing the town parade and half a dozen other things because my parents get me to. 

9. a song that describes you? “Psycho” by Ava Max. 

10. describe your tumblr in three words? Themed = for chumps.

+5 questions from @macspaperclips

1. What is your favorite hobby? Crocheting, or writing

2. What is your favorite book? Or/and a really good book you’ve read recently? Six of Crows duology - a heist series that I got sucked into thanks to fan art and then finding out the main male lead can’t stand human touch and I was like SOLD. 

3. What is your favorite Ship that will never happen (Or hasn’t happened yet)? Not a shipper. I hate ships, because inevitably, ship wars ruin everything. And in some cases, really make me question sanity or mental health of some people. Said I didn’t like a female romantic lead, next thing I get is death threats, and I am totally the type to back track a URL, hunt you down in the real world, and brain you with a hammer. It’s not good for my anger management. 

4. If you could spend the day with any living celebrity, who would it be?  Harrison Ford, because it would be on his ranch in Jackson Hole. 

5. The best worst movie you’ve ever seen. A movie that you know objectively is trash but you can’t help but really enjoy it. The new Robin Hood with Taron Edgerton, or the Four Musketeers.

My questions (answer these if you’re tagged, then come up with some questions of your own, and then tag people):

1) What is your MBTI and/or Enneagram Number? MBTI - I had to look this up - INFJ or ENFJ, depending on how you want to interpret that first letter. 

2) What TV episode is your all-time favorite? The Hay Burner on Bonanza, 

3) What does happiness mean to you? Lack of desire

and tagged on because I was in fact tagged by two people @amandagaelicquestions: 

1) If you’re a fic writer, do you reply to every review? And if so, how long do you wait? I have only recently started getting over my weird phobia of responding to reviews (I also am rather new to AO3 and it was a little hard or impossible to do in FFN.net), so some stories in the smaller fandoms like Magnum, I have tried to respond to all of them, and it takes anywhere from a day to a month, but in Lucifer...oh dear. It’s daunting, and I keep freaking out because I haven’t finished the behemoth that is Damnatio despite it being years, so I don’t want to respond back to everyone saying “I HAVE NO IDEA WHEN I AM FINISHING THIS” in between severe writers’ block. 

2) What color Starburst is the best? Of the original? Pink. Of the options of outward packaging? Blue. 

3) Skittles or M&Ms? M&M’s

4) If you were to learn any new language, which one would you choose and why? Bold of you to assume I would learn only one. I am actually taking...four lessons through Duolingo? Irish, Welsh, Spanish, and Hawaiian (Was learning Navajo, but I made it to food and WTF....nope, kicked my ass). 

My questions: 

If you could be anything else, what would you be? 

If you’re a fic writer, what would you guilty pleasure fic idea that you won’t write because you don’t think anyone else would read it?

Is there something you wish you knew more about, and if so, what is it?

tagging: @dragonnan, @rohanrider3, @sofasurf, @buckky, @ariaadagio, @get-whumped, @itsjustdg 

If you’re busy or otherwise not feeling it - as always, feel free not to play. If you weren’t tagged, I also mean you. You can come play too. 

[pass-the-bechdel]

Marvel Cinematic Universe: Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)

Does it pass the Bechdel Test?

Yes, once.

How many female characters (with names and lines) are there?

Five (29.41% of cast).

How many male characters (with names and lines) are there?

Twelve.

Positive Content Rating:

Three.

General Film Quality:

No matter how many times I watch this, I’m always surprised by how excellent it is. If any other future Marvel film wants to be ‘the best’, this is the movie it has to beat for the title. 

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) UNDER THE CUT:

Passing the Bechdel:

Natasha asks about the ballistics on the weapon used against Fury, and Maria responds. I’ve heard people argue that Natasha was not asking Maria specifically and therefore this does not count, but since Natasha clarifies a detail of Maria’s response (to which Maria responds again in order to confirm), I definitely think it qualifies. I have allowed a pass for far, far less in the past. 

Female characters:

Natasha Romanov.

Peggy Carter.

Maria Hill.

Sharon Carter.

Renata.

Male characters:

Steven Rogers.

Sam Wilson.

Brock Rumlow.

Georges Batroc.

Jerome.

Jasper Sitwell.

Nick Fury.

Alexander Pierce.

Aaron.

Arnim Zola.

Senator Stern.

Bucky Barnes.

OTHER NOTES:

They start this movie by having Steve go for a jog and make a new friend, with a conversation ensuing that is by touches casual, light, humorous, insightful, serious, and sobering. It’s a pretty weird way to launch a much-anticipated superhero comic-adaptation action movie sequel, to be honest, but it’s also rock-solid character establishment - for the never-before-seen Sam Wilson, and for Steve Rogers whose mental state and coping skills in the modern era are kinda an open question at this point - and by getting us on level with Steve’s day-to-day (rather than Captain America’s, which comes after) they’ve immediately prepped us for a story in which this character confronts and reassesses who he is and what he stands for at a core level, and not just in a symbolic/legacy kind of fashion (a la Tony Stark). It may say ‘Captain America’ on the tin, but this is Steven Rogers’ story. This is a fantastic and well-condensed first three minutes of this film, before they fly off to deliver the action sequence we may well have expected to have received up-front. 

Oh yeah, also this opening scene involves jogging around the Washington Monument, which is not a subtle detail, but I can dig it. If they’d had Steve draw attention to some Major American Landmark at some point in the movie and make a patriotic declaration of some kind, then I’d cry foul, but as-is the use of Washington DC as a setting is the hardest they bother to hammer the AMERICA button. The absence of self-fellating patriotism which I appreciated so much in the first film continues to be a virtue in this one. I do dig.

Remember how I really love it when people get hit and fly off the screen? Steve just kicked a dude off a boat and I made the dorkiest ‘hee hee!’ noise ever. Sure am glad the only reason anyone knows about that is that I just told y’all, and not because anyone actually heard me.

One day, we’ll stop getting these kinds of gratuitous butt shots of female characters in tight clothes. But it sure ain’t this day.

In a world of equal-opportunity sexualisation, this Cap-butt would be forgiveness enough for the aforementioned offense. But it still sure ain’t that day, friends.

Other reasons to love that opening scene: they low-balled Sam’s counseling skills to us by having him quickly identify the best way to speak to Steve and to engage with him (as Steve, again, not as Captain America; that’s the key), and that’s what allows Steve to bond with him enough that, put in a tight spot and not sure who to trust, he shows up on Sam’s doorstep later in the film. Really tight characterisation and dynamic-building.

ALSO, Steve’s adventure to the Captain America museum exhibit reminds us all of what he’s lost - specifically, Bucky Barnes - and contextualises his encounters with Sam Wilson within the emotional landscape of Steve’s desire for close male companionship, highlighting the need which compels the formation of that bond while also accentuating the sense of Steve’s present isolation and uncertainty, robbed of any understanding confidante (the bittersweet reality of having Peggy Carter still alive, but losing herself to Alzheimer's, really hits that one home). Again, Steve’s emotional landscape is actually a vital part of the story of the film on both character and plot levels, so there’s a LOT of great show-don’t-tell demonstration in the interconnections of all these scenes, PLUS they’re doing the good work for all the other characters involved AND reminding the audience of the score so that the film can continue to draw from the past as the movie continues, without losing any viewers for whom this might be the first foray into the Captain America story. This movie is just...really well put together, guys. It’s a little shocking, how good it is.

Winter Soldier intro is too cool. Not a pun.

Steve takes a chance and asks his neighbour out for coffee; she declines with a soft no; he accepts even-tempered and assures her he won’t trouble her any further, and she lets him know that he’s no trouble and there’s no hard feelings. It’s all a very painless and respectful navigation of boundaries, and taken on face value (ignoring the part where she turns out to be an undercover SHIELD agent, and everything which unfolds from there), it’s a welcome example of how easy it is to take rejection graciously. Guys, be the Steve Rogers that women want to see in the world.

I want a metal arm. I don’t want to not have my current arms, they’re fine, but in an abstract version of the world where you have things purely for cool points, I want a metal arm.

The fight choreography in this film is great. It’s good watchin’. 

Also the soundtrack is top-end. 

“...Specimen.”

The movie didn’t need a hetero kiss thrown in there, though. I sure wish there wasn’t a random kiss in there.

“The answer to your question is fascinating. Unfortunately, you shall be too dead to hear it.” 

Urgh, why Senator Stern gotta show up, be a pig about women, make his little Nazi declaration, and leave? The answer is, he really doesn’t gotta. You know what’s good shit? Not using misogyny and objectification of women to demonstrate that a bad guy is a bad guy, unless it’s actually a relevant part of the story. One day...

I can’t deal with how cool the Winter Soldier is. I’m almost embarrassed by how much the whole Silent Sauntering Assassin thing works for me.

Sam Wilson brings a tiny knife to a gunfight and still gets the upper hand because he’s perfect.

THE FIGHT CHOREOGRAPHYYYYY

The Winter Soldier is barely in the film in the first hour, and Bucky is referenced in the museum but not discussed by any of the characters, so there’s no lantern hanging on either the mystery of the Winter Soldier’s identity or the conspicuous reminder of a supposedly dead character (another reason why tying the memory of Bucky in so tightly with Steve’s present state of comfortless seclusion is important and clever). If you somehow managed not to be spoiled for it already, the Bucky reveal is a real kicker of a twist.

The degree to which I adore Sebastian Stan’s attention to detail in his performance has increased tenfold since The First Avenger. Dude has got nuances on his nuances.

The part of me that is emotionally susceptible to heroism is very moved by all the nameless SHIELD agents who stand up to HYDRA and die for it. 

I join the rest of the world in being really disappointed that what appeared to be Jenny Agutter’s councilwoman kicking Strike Team ass was actually just Black Widow. Sorry Natasha.

The Winter Soldier shows up and murderises a heap of pilots, and the part of me that is susceptible to heroism finds itself in conflict with the part that is susceptible to the Winter Soldier’s ineffable coolness (which is itself at odds with the part of me that wants Bucky Barnes to be safe and happy). This movie got me good.

Rumlow talkin’ some shit about pain and Sam’s just like “Man, shut the Hell up,” and it’s perfect. I love him.

I love this film. I mean I really, really love it. Like, I mean this is one of my favourite movies in the world. Like, if we were playing that ol’ game of ‘if you had to pick ten movies, and those were the only movies you were allowed to watch for the rest of your life’, this would be one of my ten movies. That’s how much I love this film. There’s so much to get into here, so much to enjoy: it’s light and easily-digestible enough for when you just want to be entertained by something that doesn’t demand too much from you, but it also has serious depths for when you’re in the mood to dig in. It has well-crafted action scenes, but also a strong plot with powerful emotional currents. It has wonderful, charismatic actors playing intriguing characters, and most of them are good eye candy, but none of them are just eye candy - there’s a lot of complexity to unravel in the motivations and personal narratives of the leads. It’s a superhero movie, sure, but it’s also a political spy thriller. And, to top it off, it’s not only an excellent stand-alone film, it’s also a fantastic example of how to do a sequel right.

Sequel-making can be a fraught business; you’ve got sequels that are basically just pointless retreads of the original, sequels that are so different they hardly count as sequels at all, sequels that are so busy trying to be ‘bigger and better’ than the original they become ridiculous, sequels so busy attempting to capitalise on the spectacle of the original that they forget to have any of the same heart that gave the original meaningful impact, sequels that ignore that the original had a plot and themes and that maybe that stuff was relevant to its success, etc, etc...there are lots of great sequels in the world, certainly, but as Iron Man 2 and Thor: The Dark World already attested for the MCU, it is very, very easy for sequels to go wrong. For this film, I think it goes without saying that I feel they passed all of the above sequel-killing quality tests with flying (low-key red-white-and-blue) colours, hence my adoration. But, just for kicks, lets talk about how they did it.

For starters, you can pretty much guarantee that this isn’t gonna be a pointless retread of Captain America: The First Avenger, since this movie takes place seventy years later and there are certain essential world elements that have fundamentally changed, such as technology, characters, and the fact that WWII ended a good while previous. But, that’s exactly how they make this story work as a sequel: they use the nature of change to give the film its shape, thematically, politically, emotionally, and in doing so they assure that everything which is different in the present builds directly from the past. Steve Rogers has not fundamentally changed, and that’s a critical anchor, considering he’s the titular character and all, but he is in a state of flux due to everything else that has changed, and his doubts inform the narrative landscape. This is not the world he remembers, and yet, as the plot unfolds and he digs into the conspiracy at his feet, there’s plenty there that is hauntingly familiar, because this is a story about how the past is still alive and kicking in the present, it has just updated to keep with the times.

It’s worth noting that despite Captain America making the jump from the forties to the modern age without any stop-offs in between, the film doesn’t linger on or wallow in the differences in his world in any strict sense - even Steve himself (in that EXTREMELY well-crafted opening scene with Sam) is somewhat dismissive of the specifics, because he’s not dwelling on the oh-woe-things-have-changed, he’s just trying to get his head around it, adapt, and move forward (and the practical realities are easy enough, but the emotional facets? Yeah). The thing is of course, no one else shares this problem with Steve; they’ve all been around, variously, for the parts in between, and the story is still concerned with the context of the world which made all of its characters what they are, and particularly with the war that came after WWII, the war within which HYDRA reseeded and began to grow anew: the Cold War. In particular, it’s the ‘70s/’80s era Cold War, built into the political-thriller superstructure of the film itself and driven home most overtly by the Winter Soldier, heavily Russian-coded and steeped in the potent psychological horror of brainwashing, but there are other signifiers littered across the story as well. There’s former-KGB agent Black Widow, and the reference she makes to WarGames, and there’s Arnim Zola frozen in time by the ancient computer system which now acts as his ‘brain’, and then there’s the stroke of subversive genius in the casting of Robert Redford - the positively Captain America-esque blue-eyed-blond hero of many a seventies Cold War political thriller - as our primary villain, working within the United States government for the benefit of his secret European-originating agenda in true foreign-infiltration style. Of course, we can adapt all of this to fit the radicalised terrorism and technological paranoia of modern times (and those elements are alive and well in the text with the surveillance-state fears represented by the helicarriers), but the historical timestamping is important to the trajectory of the film; times change and things grow increasingly subtle and complicated, but the core dilemmas that call people out to fight are instantly familiar. In that sense, Steve Rogers hasn’t missed much at all.

The war that calls Cap to arms this time around may be more subtle than the openly-fought battlefields of WWII, but it is no less global or insidious; the new ‘improved’ HYDRA may not be led by a literal Nazi who peels off his own face, but the cold political calculations of Alexander Pierce are much more frightening for their realism (an aspect of the film which has become increasingly prescient for the modern era since the movie was released), and the fascist supremacist dogma that compels these villains to attempt to reshape the world with the blood of millions is drawn from the same poisoned well; this is an escalation of the same enemy that Captain America faced before, only much closer to home. And while the passage of time has benefited the old evils in allowing them to entrench and fester and craft re-branded, more socially-accepted versions of themselves, it has not been so favourable to the positive familiar things from Steve’s past: it has claimed Peggy’s memory, and rotted SHIELD beyond recovery. And then, there’s what it’s done to Bucky Barnes.

Fake-out character deaths are a major staple of the superhero/comic genre, and not one I love, since it tends to take the power out of apparent-death scenes and leaves the drama feeling contrived, and while the Bucky reveal is not entirely free from that cynicism, it sells itself well on delivery. For starters, it packs a wallop in additional drama instead of just neatly undoing that which already existed (Nick Fury’s ‘death’ and reveal, on the other hand, is more in the classic line of cheap and inconsequential), and it ups the personal stakes for Steve in exactly the same way as Bucky’s ‘death’ did in The First Avenger. Crucially, the fact that Bucky is the Winter Soldier doesn’t alter the wider narrative in any convenient way, such as providing Captain America with the key to stopping him or resolving the other conflicts of the plot through his connection; the Bucky reveal reconnects the story to Steve’s emotional journey, which is exactly where it started before Shit Got Crazy - there’s a good reason they spent the first half hour of the movie on charting Steve’s mental state. There’s a sharp division between Bucky Barnes and the Winter Soldier, despite them both inhabiting the same form, and it’s a mirror of the division between Steve Rogers and Captain America: regardless of all assumptions to the contrary, the two are mutually exclusive entities. ‘Captain America’ is not a person, he’s a symbol, and he’s manipulable in that way, he can be propagandised, his image and actions are a tool turned to the purposes of others at the expense of the human underneath; Steve recognises this (and has since the first film), and he holds this secondary persona at a remove and does not define himself through it. This is what Sam’s keen social instincts pick up so quickly in the beginning: treating Steve as Captain America is the wrong approach, it fails to connect, because Steve is not the uniform, Steve has doubts, Steve could give up the shield; Steve is a person. Bucky doesn’t have the same luxuries, in opportunities, in company, or in the cognizant ability to define his own identity, but even without the personal attachment of their history, Steve is uniquely positioned to understand the difference between the Winter Soldier and the person buried beneath the title. If it was not Bucky, specifically, the visceral emotion of the mirrored experience wouldn’t land quite as strong, but either way the Winter Soldier is the realisation of Steve’s deep-seated fear of being made a puppet, an unthinking enforcer too heavily indoctrinated into patriotic subservience to recognise the despotism that has replaced his idealism. 

I said at the top that this is, ultimately, a Steven Rogers story to which ‘Captain America’ is an accessory, and not the other way around, and that’s a fact at the heart of what makes this film work - on its own, and as a sequel. The fore-fronting of Steve as a character in his own right and not just ‘Captain America’s real name’ was key to avoiding any cloying patriotism overriding the narrative of the first film, and it’s doubly important now as both Steve and the Captain America brand re-situate outside of their original context. It’s easy to strip back the specific trappings of Captain America and still have this movie function just right, because for all the action and intrigue, it is essentially a character piece about Steve Rogers figuring out his place in the world and reclaiming the moral compunctions which have been presumptuously attributed to the lofty symbol of his alter ego, and not the struggling reality of everyday life. Captain America is what he is and how he is not because it sounds good or because it makes for positive PR or because it’s nice to have legends from the good ol’ days; Captain America is the embodiment of scrappy little Steve Rogers’ grit and determination to live up to what he believes in, come Hell or high water or the gravest of consequences. Steve begins the film at odds with himself, unsure if there’s a place for his shameless idealism within the mess of modern life; he’s going through the motions of being Captain America, but he’s uncertain of what it means to him at this point, or where it’s headed. He finishes the film having gained something vital: a mission, but it’s not a professional job for Captain America, it’s a personal mission for Steve Rogers, and that’s much more important. Captain America is just an idea; Steve Rogers is the reason it matters, no matter what war, what time, what place, or what flag.

[shellheadtmarc]

actually, because i really need to finish my new theme and need new verse blurbs, here’s a more in depth look at my current/in-use verses, with links to full writeups as available.

mcu:  this is boilerplate.  i’m a canon tony, this is a canon verse.  follows the events from iron man through infinity war for the moment, including the tie-in comics iron man 2: public identity, iron man 2: agents of shield, iron man: the coming of the melter, iron man 3 prelude, marvel’s avengers: age of ultron prelude - the scepter’d isle, marvel’s captain america: civil war prelude infinite, marvel’s avengers: infinity war prelude, and marvel’s avengers: endgame prelude.  also includes the post-iron man 3 short about the mandarin.  everything not covered/discussed in mcu canon is plugged with 616 continuity canon.

616:  what it says on the tin.  covers most of the runs from about 2008-present, including the new tony stark: iron man, against my greater judgment, though that may change in the future if it keeps tanking in story. in reality, this actually covers everything post-heroes reborn, but to make it simple we’ll say it’s wibbly wobbly because comics.  also includes heavy snippets still in play from classic invincible iron man.

classic:  from his first appearances in tales of suspense up to the inception of heroes reborn.  or, if you prefer, original flavor tony stark, the cool suave businessman with the aloof nature, party boy ways, and injured heart, reliant on his rechargeable chest piece, as he also has a double identity as the golden avenger known as iron man.  poses as his own bodyguard.  jetsetter.  people love or hate him, but most want to be him.  if only they knew how much his bum ticker isolated him.  a ton of fridged girlfriends.  later physical ailments include:  paralysis from the waist down.  degenerative nervous system.  a cranky ticker more than you can shake a stick at.  literally dying and being cryogenically frozen.

616 meets mcu:  this covers any time comicverse tony is thrown at mcu versions of the people he knows.  things to note include being taller.  he has blue eyes.  his tech is more advanced.  his speech patterns differ heavily.  recovering alcoholic, coffee is fine no matter how shitty it is.  he has more years as a superhero under his belt at this point.  his fears and points of stress differ from mcu tony’s quite a bit, and his reactions are different.  he and pepper are barely on speaking terms (generously speaking). he’s different, and it’s obvious he’s different.

broke:  mcu-based verse that includes corporate espionage and tony stark having to keep his head down and learning to live under the table paycheck to under the table paycheck until he can muster what he needs to make a frontal assault on regaining what’s rightly his.  a verse where tony’s at his absolute lowest, still determined to retain the phoenix metaphor and rise from the ashes of the misfortune thrust upon him.

superior iron man:  hiding the fact that he’s still under the scarlet witch’s inversion spell, tony goes full tilt diva, his main concerns being money, power, and fame.  he starts drinking again.  he makes san francisco his own personal big brother state, where he watches the city like a hawk by day while shilling extremis as a beauty enhancer, and parties like it’s 1999 at his new home on alcatraz island by night.  is still iron man, as long as there’s something in it for him.  will partially be at fault for the destruction of the 616 universe (it gets better).

hypervelocity:  tony’s attacked in his own lab by the mind-emulationware mechs known as “beautiful garbage”, and his newest iteration of the iron man suit forced an upload or a copy of his brain patterns to get him out of there.  the wetware is damaged, and the suit dumps it before it bleeds out in the suit cavity, and thus that suit, with the ability to walk, talk, and think exactly like tony stark (albeit full of bugs) is born, to unravel the mystery of the attack and attempt to stop the emulation program that caused it.

ai:  after being punched into a literal coma during a battle with captain marvel/carol danvers over the fate of miles morales and concerning an inhuman by the name of odysseus’s increasingly violent visions of the future, and with even hank mccoy being afraid to even draw blood on tony after seeing what tony’s been doing to himself over the years, tony’s ai comes online, as a mentor to riri williams/ironheart and to help against the clone captain america with those of the mount.  he’s twice as sassy with quadruple the processing speed, and he’s got some weird feelings about being the recreated consciousness of a living person suddenly finding itself with no physical body.

noir:  a businessman who likes to play adventurer for a men’s magazine, along with his best friend james rhodes and their new reporter pepper potts, writing under a male pseudonym, tony stark on the surface has it all in the late 1930s.  beautiful women, exciting adventures, and loads of money.  but all it does is hide his desperate search for a cure for his dying heart, as he’s forced to wear a metal chest piece that has to be charged frequently to even keep himself alive.  

director of shield:  mcu-based version of tony’s time as the director of shield.  after everything that occurs after captain america: the winter soldier, and the fall of shield, an attempt is made to resurrect it with tony stark at the helm as fury’s replacement (hand-picked).  he stresses transparency, he stresses equality, and most of all, he just wants to find a way to balance being iron man with having to deal with the day-to-day bullshit of international bureaucracy.

sorcerer supreme:  based on the 90s “what if?” one shot comic.  tony was the cause of the accident that injured stephen strange’s hands, and, feeling supremely guilty about the entire thing, searches for ways to give stephen his dexterity and life back.  it leads him to becoming the sorcerer supreme, despite that inherent dislike of magic he has, and he combines the iron man technology with the mystical forces he gains a hold over in that quest for a cure.

guardians of the galaxy:  mcu flavor for tony’s time as an active gotg.  after civil war, on a break with pepper, and feeling about as great about things as someone laying facedown in a gutter possibly can, tony puts his mobile armory into space, tinkers together a suit for deep space exploration, and takes off, losing himself for a while among the stars.  threat is going to come from there, sure, but there’s going to be opportunity, as well.  it’s a useful thing to find out who’s friend, and who’s foe, and see what there is to see in the black expanses of space.

supernatural:  the other family business.  being a founder of shield and everything he took to his grave wasn’t the only secret he was keeping, and this was one maria was in on as well.  too bad tony doesn’t stumble across it until after he’s already become iron man, where saving the world is so tied into his moral code he can’t look away.  if he goes missing for a few days, it’s fine, it’s chill.  he’s just taking a breather, not poking around at things he only still half-believes in even when he’s seen them with his own two eyes.  the biggest skeptic hunter you’ll ever meet.

fallout prewar:  mcu continuity up to the beginning of iron man 3, against fallout’s prewar as a backdrop.  tony stark is who he is, he does what he does, but he also is someone certain government agencies would love to tear down, because he’s a rabble rouser against the war, and has no problem hogging the iron man technology for himself instead of sharing with the military.  he also has no problem sharing the dirty secrets he finds out with the press.  full write up can be found here.

fallout new vegas:  tony as the infamous courier six.  left in stasis in a vault in california, tony comes to years and years after the devastation of the bombs to a world vastly changed from the one he remembers, and in a vault full of ghouls.  once topside, and once reoriented into the world, he ends up something of a jack of all trades until he takes that fateful job with the mojave express, and gets two to the head for his trouble.  independent path with the yes-man aligned ending, details of choices and all dlcs available as needed until i get off my ass and do a full replaythrough and write up.  keeps the spine from big mt, but his heart and brain are back where they belong.  locked elijah in the vault.  nuke launch stopped (ed-e repaired after).  evacuated the sorrows.  

fallout 4 sole survivor:  still needs a full write up, but tony as the sole survivor.  does not take the shock at the change in the world well at first.  eventually pulls his shit together enough to get shit done, but can’t touch a suit, can’t think about the suit, will take some time to even toy with the idea of possibly touching a suit again before he actually can.  minutemen and railroad aligned, destroys the bos and institute.  peaceful ending with all far harbor factions.  spares the mechanist.  destroys the raiders at nuka world and turns the parks over to the minutemen.  question information as needed until i get a full write up done.

fallout 4 companion:  tony’s been in new york since the bombs dropped.  there are huge chunks of it that are still uninhabitable, much like boston’s glowing sea, but the parts that are?  he’s started on a grand rebuilding project, because he’s got nothing but time:  the arc reactor’s kept his heart pumping well past its expiration date.  when the bos slow rolls past new york, he follows them into boston, mostly because he’s paranoid and cagey (with good reason in the wasteland) and partially out of curiosity.  available as a companion for sole survivors, some restrictions apply, please see this write up for more details.

fallout 76 dweller:  locked up with a bunch of other big brains after the bombs, tony’s that guy.  you know.  the one you read about in the terminal.  the one that kept hacking things.  once topside again, he sheds that vault tec blue and yellow as quickly as he can and sees about setting things right.  a member of the responders.  a mole in [redacted].  fire breather.  rebuilding the world has to start somewhere, so it might as well be west virginia.

dwemer:  the last surviving dwemer, finally peeking his head out of his lab in its pocket plane of oblivion to find the nords are at it again, dragons are still doing their thing, his people have just flat out vanished, and that skyrim is still cold as balls.  often gets mistaken as a very tall bosmer.  still calls the dunmer the chimer out of sheer smartassedness.  swung on rolf in windhelm and ends up in jail more times than you can shake a stick at.

single parent au:  handed off a baby under some shady as hell circumstances, unable to find out anything and secretly glad he can’t find out anything about her in the end, tony pulls some strings and sophie stark ends up hitting the jackpot as far as adoptive parents go.  tony had thought just being iron man was hard, but now he’s balancing ballet practice and pta meetings with saving the world.

[draconicsheart]

I don't mean offence, as i understand completely your anger towards there being no big iris figurine, but i think calling it racism is a massive jump. It's entirely possible that she was 'unpopular', to which the company decided that making a figurine wouldn't give much sales. This doesn't mean they're right, but it's a better explanation than racism. (Also i did read your Tracy counter argument but that figure looked pretty poor quality, reflecting they didn't take Tracy seriously either.

I understand, Nonnie. “Racism” is a scary word. In fact, anything ending in “-ism” is, isn’t it? Because if you acknowledge that something is x-ist, then you have to be introspective and consider why you never thought it was wrong before. You don’t want to be a bad person. I get that. Because I’ve had to question some of my own beliefs, too. But acknowledging racism doesn’t make one a bad person. Even participating in some of the racist things we’re tought doesn’t make you a bad person. But choosing to ignore it or deciding that these things are okay? That absolutely does.

So let me be clear: this is absolutely a matter of race. That Tracey Sketchit image looked low quality? Okay, well... so did the other characters for that line. It’s an old toy. They tend to look that way.

The point is that he was included. Not just as a chibi. But as a full blown figurine, seen as equal to the rest of the main cast.

By contrast, when @thcnderbolt went on an Iris-hunt to see if they could find ANYTHING else... They did. But she looks like crap while the other two look solid. Because yes. They are made by different manufacturers. But they all also have the character and their partner, so either a) they’re intended to be equivalents or b) they weren’t intending to include Iris in the Banpresto line at all, so she got the half-assed short stick. And no matter which way you slice it, the point is clear: Iris is not equal to Ash and Cilan. And the point of my OP? Was that Iris is not equal to the other Pokegirls, either.

And “popularity” is the most flimsy, obnoxious excuse that you hear for not just excluding Iris--but not representing people in general. Two good examples of why this is bullshit:

Remember when Wonder Woman came out? It was given the biggest budget to a female director to date and that was exciting! But it still paled in comparison to how much the Male-lead movies got in return. And this is HUGE because while they were displaying a massive lack of faith in a female-led movie’s ability to sell, they were still willing to give more money to MALE superheroes even though, to quote the linked article:

Despite its strategic positioning in the DC cinematic universe, and positive fan reaction, Wonder Woman is working with not just one of the lowest budgets of Warner Bros’ films, but of any current superhero film.

But it gets worse. Much worse. Let’s travel back in time.

Back in 2005, the Batman franchise itself was not in good shape, having been thrown into whatever carnival pit-of-hell Joel Schumacher’s Batman and Robin has created. But in a bid to rekindle the franchise, Warner Bros hired the guy who made a weird independent film (Memento) to direct Batman Begins with a budget of $150m.

In 2008, Marvel launched a studio division to try and capitalize on their properties instead of continuing to license their characters for peanuts. It’s hard to imagine now, considering the juggernaut that Marvel has become, but back in the days of the first Iron Man, the studio and the film were considered to be doomed projects. They even had a difficult time finding a director willing to take the job of adapting what was a C-list catalog character into a summer action film for an uncertain studio. Despite all this, Iron Man was produced for $140m.

So to summarize point no. one: if the creators want to market their characters they will do it whether they brought in good cash or not.

But my second example is Big Hero 6. This movie is oft compared to Frozen for how closely they were released. (Because yes, while there were some movies released in between them, these were both the MAJOR RELEASES™ for their year.) We all know Frozen broke major records, so of course there’s going to be a huge jump. However, they were BOTH so well-grossing that even after adjusting for inflation they made it onto Disney’s Top 15 most-grossing movies list with Big Hero 6 landing at the 14th spot (658 Million) and Frozen at number 2 (1.287 Billion).

But look at Frozen Merch and then Look at Big Hero 6 Merch.

If you’re not seeing a pattern here, don’t worry! I gotchu covered. Let’s compare Big Hero 6 Merch to some non-Princess movies that didn’t make the top 15 list:

Alice in Wonderland

Lilo and Stitch (even if it’s mostly Stitch -cough-)

Peter Pan

Get the picture? It doesn’t really matter how much money a movie or character brings in. Because point no. two: if the creators DON’T want to market their characters they will do it whether they brought in good cash or not.

That is why Iris not having products is infuriating. If the Pokémon Company wanted to market her, they would have. Period. Point blank. No if, ands, or buts about it. And Tracey Sketchit is just simple proof that my points hold true.

So don’t downplay this. Japan has just as much history with racism as anywhere else. And it’s our job as fans to call them out on their shit--even when that shit comes from products and media that we love.

[cupidsbower]

Wonder Woman review

It’s a really enjoyable popcorn film. I’ll probably go see it again. It has a lot to like, not many things to quibble about, and Wonder Woman herself is suitably fabulous.

A more critical review that focuses on the quibbles behind the cut.

The thing about this movie is that I’ve been waiting for a woman-focused superhero movie for so long, that it could never 100% live up to my hopes for it.

That said, it does pretty damn well, and the quibbles below really are just that -- quibbles. There are lots of things I loved as well.

SPOILERS BELOW.

The first, and most important is that this film takes absolutely no risks... excepting the fact the lead is a woman, of course. Which really should not be a risk, but given that we live in a sexist world and it is, I’m willing to give the film a pass for being otherwise by the numbers.

What do I mean by this? I mean that its formula is absolutely predictable from start to finish in terms of a hero coming of age and going on their first adventure. Every beat is there. You could plonk a make superhero into this plot, and it would be business as usual (note, I’m talking about plot here, not characterisation).

The reason this disappoints me a little, is that I was hoping a Wonder Woman movie would take a slightly more feminist approach, and give us a plot that was a bit more nuanced about power. Maybe in the next one, now that this one seems sure to be a success.

For instance, Mars is a male character, and sure I get that we can read this as Diana stomping the patriarchy, but I really would have preferred a female Mars after the bait-and-switch.

In fact, once they leave the island, there are remarkably few women, and I know this is meant to be the world of Men, but in the Great War, and especially at the end of the Great War, women were everywhere. It would not have been weird to have women drivers, women medical personnel, women codebreakers, women munitions makers, and so on.

One of the great things about Wonder Woman is how she makes connections with other women, and I thought the lack of this was a real weakness of the movie.

There also could have been a few more characters of colour, although the film did make some attempt at this. Just not enough.

Then there’s Steve Trevor. Pine was suitably charming in this role, and there were many things I liked about how they approached developing his character as a love interest. The bit about men not being essential for pleasure! Hahaha. Perfect. I adore it, and now hope for hundreds of lesbian fanfics set on the island. :)

I also liked that it was Steve saying he loved Diana, along with pity/mercy, that was part of her turning point.

I was less thrilled with the fridging of Steve. I mean don’t get me wrong, I felt a petty satisfaction at a man getting fridged for a woman’s development, but I’m just really not a fan of this trope and could have done without it -- this is another example of what I mean by plot-by-numbers.

The other thing I’m kind of both grumpy and pleased about in equal measure is that Steve Trevor got his own complete character arc. Like. Ugh. How fucking hard is it to do that? Obviously not very, judging by this movie. AND YET THEY NEVER DO IT FOR THE FEMALE FUCKING LOVE INTEREST IN TEN GAZILLION OTHER MOVIES. Why am I bitter about this? Because in a movie with a male lead they mostly don’t bother, and with this one, they clearly felt they needed to bother in order to keep the Male Audience on side (and to be fair, the female audience who prefer Hugh Jackman in the fluffy jumper in preference to jacked up and with the claws, etc, also tend to like actual people with a personality as a love interest). It’s just that it’s so tied in to the whole way that gender is valued in films and I’m old and grumpy and tired of the double standard. Let’s just make all love interests have their own arc from here on, okay? And less fridging in general.

(Also, one of the trailers before Wonder Woman was The Mummy, and I swear the female lead in that was just a Screaming Woman who will Inspire the Male Lead to Heroic Acts. And I’m so over it.)

Okay, that’s pretty much it for the negativity. Now for things I loved.

I loved everything on the island, except for not telling Diana her birthright. Clumsy excuse to keep a secret is clumsy.

Robin Wright is sooooooo gooooood. I love her! Seriously, all the lesbian island fic immediately pls.

I am now on board for Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman. I really wanted a Wonder Woman who was more Amazonian in physique, but Gadot is charming in the part, so I’m putting that quibble aside.

God, it was just so great to see a woman on the screen kicking ass and taking names and having the full superhero special effects treatment. I’m here for it. Bring on WW2. :)

[adambstingus]

6 Backward Ideas Hollywood Still Has About Men

Men are complicated, nuanced beings. No two men define masculinity the same way, and each of their boners hides its own precious secret. Many are desperate for every woman to love them, while at the same time compelled to explain their own jokes to them on Twitter. But despite the vast and wondrous spectrum that is man, Hollywood seems to have extremely specific ideas of what a man is supposed to be. And it’s not super great.

6

If You’re Less Than 6 Feet Tall, You’re Not A Real Man

You can be the most handsome, witty, charismatic male on Earth, but if you’re one inch below average height, then tough shit. Hollywood will desperately avoid revealing that awful truth to the audience, lest they vomit in the aisles with disgust. Such is the life of a short action star.

If shortness is acknowledged on screen, it’s as a punchline — a hilarious inadequacy that either leads to constant, desperate attempts at comedy or a life of crime as a bad guy’s sidekick. Movies would have us believe that short people live a life of existential struggle, that they are nothing more than incomplete souls crying out from children’s clothes.

The average height of an American male is 5 feet 9.5 inches tall. (Strangely enough, surveys reveal this is the exact same length of the average American penis.) Tom Cruise is famously 2.5 inches shorter than this average, but we only know that because our own insecurity demands we find a flaw, any flaw, in this 54-year-old man with 2 percent body fat and chiseled features that become only more handsome with age. Yet you’d never know he was a tiny man from watching his movies. For example, Ving Rhames is over 6 feet, but he’s shorter than Tom in that picture up there. How? Is he sitting down? Forty yards behind him? Take look at another shot from Mission: Impossible …

Mark Whalberg is 5’8 and Zac Efron is 5’8. Sylvester Stallone is barely two apples high. And yet every time they’re in a movie, they are looking all the normal people in the eyes, filmmakers forcing them to stand on little boxes to hide that they are grotesque, undersized genetic failures.

And god forbid we reveal that the 5’9 Robert Downey Jr. is in fact 3 inches shorter than Chris Evans. We could do this all day!

Question: Do you think this weird prejudice is with filmmakers or audiences? Do you really think we’d refuse to be inspired by a hero who possesses every other positive trait on Earth — courage, humor, charm, muscles, wealth, confidence, sexuality — if they can comfortably ride in the back seat of a Civic? It’s not like we’re expecting the hero to solve every mystery and defeat every bad guy with slam dunks. Although now that we think about it, that sounds like a pretty sweet goddamn movie.

So if you’re a short (or even average height!) male watching, then guess what: The only trait that apparently matters is the one you can’t do anything about.

5

You Can’t Just Be Smart; You’ve Also Got To Kick Ass

Back in the 1980s, we didn’t care if our burly action heroes could say anything coherent. Arnold Schwarzenegger talked like a moose trying to describe the peanut butter in its mouth, and Sylvester Stallone sounded like that same moose gently lowering itself onto a whoopee cushion. We didn’t care, though, because their swollen pecs and rattling M60s did all the talking for them.

“Aarraragaooooaaahhhh!!!” — John Rambo

In an ’80s action movie, diplomacy was a dick-measuring contest with a stick of dynamite, and Jean-Claude Van Damme always won. Heroes weren’t paid to be smart; they were paid to strangle mooks and walk silently away from exploding gas stations.

We’re obviously so much more sophisticated these days. The good guys in movies can’t be musclebound meat sacks anymore — they have to hold multiple PhDs and have a particular set of skills for every occasion. Ethan Hunt can speak 75 languages while maintaining the sexy abs of Instagram’s douchiest bro. Jason Bourne can predict his opponents’ every move ten steps in advance. Even the biggest, dumbest superhero, the Hulk, spends most of his movies as one of the planet’s leading scientists.

Marvel Studios To be fair, this is a pretty smart way to take down a fighter jet.

It would be nice to think that the message is “Even nerds can be cool!” But these guys don’t win by being nerds. In nearly every case, the real heroism comes in the form of a punch to the throat.

Remember those Robert Downey Jr. Sherlock Holmes movies, in which Sherlock uses his brilliant mind to beat the shit out of guys in shirtless pit fights? That was weird, right? But at least it shows him fighting as a hobby, to get good at it — the BBC version also wins every fistfight he’s in and can easily out-dive exploding bombs. You also might remember in the new Star Trek movies, wherein Mr. Spock uses his Vulcan logic to form plans like “Hold my beer, I’m going to go fuck that guy up.”

Warner Bros. Pictures “I can tell by the speck of paint on your shoes that your face is quite susceptible to temple punches.”

Take Tony Stark out of the Iron Man suit, and he can still beat the hell out of a mansion full of henchmen in Iron Man 3. When Transformers 4 needed a nerdy inventor protagonist, it cast this guy:

In fact, if you’re in a Hollywood film and you realize you’re only brilliant, we have some bad news for you: You’re not the hero. In fact, you’re probably the obnoxious sidekick nerd. Check to see if you’re Simon Pegg or Seth Green. If you’re not, we have more bad news: You’re probably the villain.

The message is clear, boys: Brains are fine, but only if you use them to invent better punching. And if you use your mind exclusively for non-punching endeavors, you’re either ridiculous or evil.

4

Broken, Tortured Men Are Sexy

There’s something sexy about a dead-serious man willing to do anything to get the job done. The Batmans and Liam Neesons of the world, men who ruthlessly cut through criminal organizations while brooding about the atrocities they’ve been forced to commit. Even the supposedly goody-two-shoes Superman now scowls as he struts out of exploded court houses filled with charred corpses and jars of pee. Is any of this sexiness getting you hot and bothered yet? Too bothered?

They are almost never seen eating, but always drink. If they’re in bed, they’re having nightmares about those they’ve lost (or, you know, having sex). They are emotionally cold and distant when they’re not being glib. This is all done in the name of emotional complexity, but can we still call it that when every character is the same?

For example, why does Hollywood refuse to accept Superman as simply a morally sound hero who genuinely wants to help people? Struggling to protect those weaker than him is a perfectly legitimate problem. Did they think we couldn’t relate to him unless he cried in an ice cave like he’s in an Evanescence music video? Did they think he’d look like a “pussy” if he didn’t destroy an entire city and snap Zod’s neck in front of two children?

Every action movie and show seems to be in an arms race to give their stars the most severe PTSD or the highest number of dead loved ones. It used to be we that showed how grizzled a cop was by how old the Chinese takeout was in his filthy refrigerator. Now it’s measured by how many times he flashes back to his family getting tied to chairs and set aflame.

It’s not like this is making these characters more relatable to young males. (“See, he has problems just like you!”) After all, it’s not like they are heroic despite their tortured psychology, or that it’s something to overcome. The psychological damage is the source of their power — John Wick is a boring retired dude until a pair of tragedies utterly destroy his life, at which point he expresses his grief through numerous therapeutic sessions of gun-fu. Mad Max’s defining character trait is that he never smiles, jokes, or shares anything about himself — telling a comrade his name is treated as a shocking breakthrough.

At every turn, the message is the same: You’re not a true, sexy badass unless you’re a tortured shell of a man.

3

Movie Princes Are Non-People

A lot of analysis has gone into movie princesses, specifically the ones Disney has been cranking out for most of a century. That’s because for decades, they were the only lead female characters in kids movies, which put a lot of pressure on them to be positive role models. They taught young girls how to believe in themselves and be courageous, but also that a woman’s greatest virtues are good looks and shutting up.

We’re not paraphrasing; that’s literally a verse in a Disney song.

Still, no matter who you are, there’s a solid chance you can name ten Disney princesses off the top of your head. On the other hand, can you name more than two or three Disney princes? Probably not, because most of the movies don’t even bother giving the poor bastards names. The characterization of the princesses might send mixed messages, but the princes are forgettable handsome shells containing zero personality and a fetish for teen girls. They exist only to rescue the women.

Cinderella’s dream husband? He doesn’t have a name. Beast from Beauty And The Beast? Aside from that mean nickname, he has no actual name. Snow White’s prince? Maybe he’s a Trevor? Could be a Graham or a Tony. We’ll never know, because the writers didn’t think the character was worth naming. These movies give names to the horses and the mice, but not the princes.

The main characters are supposed to spend the rest of their lives with these guys, and the only thing we know about them is that they’re single, heterosexual, and not child molesters. Except wait — we don’t know any of that. The only thing we know about Disney princes is that they fall in love easily and have no problem putting their mouths on sleeping strangers. Finding a girl in the woods and licking her awake isn’t a great contribution to a relationship.

The point is that when it comes to royal romances, a princess brings dynamic character and a sense of adventure. A prince is handsome and has nothing better to do. We suppose the rebuttal is that these are fantasies for little girls and not boys, but that doesn’t make it any better. What’s the message for them? “Some day you’ll meet a walking mannequin who will be perfect for you for one reason: He’s a prince.“

2

Prison Rape Is Hilarious

Jokes about female rape are still circulating out there (though not as many as were a few years ago), but it was always rare, if not unheard of, to see a movie play a violent male-on-female sexual assault for laughs. But if the victim is a male and doing time? It seems there is nothing funnier.

It’s this reprehensible nightmare of a thing — the worst thing happening in the worst possible circumstances — yet Hollywood cannot get enough of prison rape jokes. To show you how easy going we are about it, realize that every time anyone ever joked “Don’t drop the soap!” they were hilariously referring to a criminal raping you. Jokes about it are so acceptable they show up on SpongeBob SquarePants. They refer to it in Naked Gun and Guardians Of The Galaxy, and they hang the entire plot of Get Hard on it. If Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart had negotiated their contract to get paid $15 per rape joke, they could have tripled their multi-million-dollar salaries. This is a real, horrible phenomenon that’s happening to someone, somewhere, right now.

The unspoken implication is that these victims deserve it. Really? Is that what we’re going with — that our civilized society has built a justice system in which one of the punishments for selling weed or stealing a car is the possibility of being violated? Even if Congress codified that into the law, even if we decided that rape is a suitable punishment for tax evasion, it would still be super weird to joke about it. And if the victim is himself a rapist, so what? You’re trivializing the very thing he’s guilty of.

This is, in fact, part of a larger trend …

1

Men Are Cannon Fodder

In the real world, human life is a precious thing to be protected by all means. In a movie, lives are snuffed out as punchlines. Human bodies get blasted into pieces any time a film needs to pick up the momentum, and when we say “human,” we specifically mean “men’s.”

Yeah, we talk about how filmmakers and moviegoers are desensitized to violence, but that’s not true — it’s only violence against men. Let’s look at an example. In this fleeting moment of awesomeness from Batman v. Superman, Batman bursts up through the floor and pounds the shit out of a group of thugs.

He’s still working through the sting of not getting a Best Director nomination for Argo.

It’s pretty fun, right? Now imagine it was a warehouse full of women. Everything else is the same. They’re still armed, still up to no good, but every time Batman crushes one of their collar bones, it’s a woman’s voice screaming out in pain. Turn up the sound on that clip — imagine every painful grunt is a female voice. Imagine if the heads Batman smashed into the floor had ponytails and eye shadow.

We’re not even sure that sequence makes it into the theater — somebody at the studio would get Zack Snyder some counseling as soon as they saw the script. It’s not because women would be no physical match for Batman; nobody is a match for Batman. He is tearing through those guys like a rat terrier loose in a hamster cage. The fact is, that kind of violence toward women would hit you in the gut. When it’s dudes, it’s either awesome or hilarious.

You can do this with any action movie. Imagine watching Return Of The Jedi, only every time a Stormtrooper head is bashed in by an Ewok, you hear a female scream. It would be chilling — the cops would kick in George Lucas’ door and assume he has a crowd of female corpses in his freezer. It’d be equally weird if he had, say, given the battle droids in the prequels Jennifer Tilly’s voice. And remember in The Two Towers when Legolas and Gimli are whimsically counting out their kills? Can you picture that being the same kind of fun if those were female orcs?

In fact, find any movie in which a human death is treated as slapstick, make the victims female, and you are left with a video suitable only for a serial killer’s crawlspace. Indiana Jones once comically shot three Nazis with a single bullet:

If you can’t watch the clip, there’s a little comedy music cue that plays as their bodies slump aside. Imagine all three are women; at the very least, it becomes deeply uncomfortable. (“Uh, was Spielberg going through a rough divorce when they made this?”)

And no, we’re obviously not demanding Hollywood show more women getting butchered to make it equal. We’re not demanding they show us fewer dead dudes. We’re just saying that we’ve definitely been conditioned to react a certain way to on-screen brutality, and the difference between dread and hilarity is usually whether or not the victim has a penis.

That’s weird, right?

Guy Bigel is a professional flute player, and he uploads fun arrangements to his YouTube channel. Check out his stuff here. Jordan Breeding has a blog, a Twitter, and wishes Hollywood would portray him as a super nerd with biceps the size of basketballs.

For more horrible ways Hollywood influences us, check out 6 Obnoxious Assumptions Hollywood Makes About Women and 6 Insane Stereotypes That Movies Can’t Seem to Get Over.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out How Hollywood Has Made You Dumber, and other videos you won’t see on the site!

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from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/6-backward-ideas-hollywood-still-has-about-men/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/176405958897

[digimonadventuresleepawayca-blog]

Chapter 1:Sleep Away Camp

Donny: Hey so I’m Donny and I’m from earth. Brookhaven, Ga to be exact. However, that’s not where we are now. Let me back up so you're not completely confused here. My full names Donald Archer the 4th and I’m a Freshman in high school. I needed a summer Job to keep me busy. So me My best Friend Sierra and My cousin Kimber decided to try being camp counselors for underprivilege children. Sierra’s Twin brother and his friends tagged along due to the alone in a cabin with no real adult supervision part. Cue the slasher movie music. So let’s get back to me I’m 15 a Scorpio with medium brown hair. I’m also a cock sucker. Maybe being a camp counselor was a bad call for someone so vulgar. I enjoy fall winter and yeah that is about it as far seasons go. My favorite color is green and I have an older sister named Dana. The pretty blonde Victoria secret model is my cousin Kimberly or Kimber for short. Her favorite colors Pink so you may catch her wearing a lot of it. Her parents are never around so she spends a lot of time at my house or alone in her pool house. She me and Sierra are really close Her dad Malcom is my mom’s brother. Next off we have Sierra Cotton. Sierra is of black heritage and is the snarkiest girl I know. We became friends instantly in 6th grade when she and her twin brother Chris moved from Queens, New York. Her favorite band was Flyleaf. So we bonded over our love for their totally not Christian music. Remember how I said some of his friends tagged along. Well Sierra’s mom thought she could pull a fast one and get the house to herself for four weeks. SO  she easily talked the pot head Chris into going. Chris and me are cool with each.  Sierra is older than Chris by a couple of minutes so she’s always a bit bossy with him. She embarrasses him around his two friends Joaquin and Grayer a lot. Which leads us to our resident asshole in black Joaquin Baldwin. Yes he’s a Baldwin. He’s attractive cunning and all the things I myself look for in a male sex partner but he’s a mean-spirited bully and I hated him. I wished the black plague on him.. He and I were acquaintances at one point until he moved away to some place called Oildale in California.. When he returned all his hair had grown out and he was totally weird but not on crack. He and Chris never met prior to Chris moving to Brookhaven but he quickly reconnected with Grayer and thus they formed a masculine 3 some. Next, we have Grayer Osbourne. Grayer is the resident pot head he’s big into conspiracy theories and is your guy if you want to score some weed. He and Kimber were once extremely close but following Kimber’s sister’s death had a falling out. Grayer is extremely nervous at times so his weed helps him with his anxiety inability to not freak out.. Our final member of the team is our wild card a complete stranger to us in the beginning. Her name was Heather and she was an 8th grader and daughter of the owner of Camp Knot Krystal Lake. We were tasked with picking her up so that all the counselors could arrive together. So we all piled into a van and headed for Heathers. Joaquin and Grayer brought the weed.. We pulled up to Heathers 30 minutes after leaving My house. Her house is a medium sized one in a subdivision. She comes out in high wasted jean shorts a hoodie and a brown shirt with brown boots. Her hair is long wavy and pushed to the side. She’s 5/3 and skinny with pale skin. She sits next to Kimber who is wearing a hot pink cardigan, a flower dress pink ballet slipper. Her hair is ash blonde with pink tips .It’s wavy and down but the sides are pulled back. Sierra is wearing a Misfit’s tank top a mini skirt thigh high black socks, a black choker and combat boots. Her hair is jet black and in braids. Joaquin has a mohawk a black sweater with the sleeves rolled up black skinny jeans and combat boots. Next to him is Grayer who is rolling a few joints. He has shoulder length red hair and freckles he’s pale as snow. He’s wearing a black Bring me the horizon shirt. Black skinny jeans and checkered shoes.   Donny is wearing a Egyptian printed shirt and a brown vest Khaki skinny jeans and beige shoes. Next to him is Chris who is wearing a red flannel shirt Jean shorts and red slipper shoes. After they get started on the road for a little they begin to talk. Joaquin: So I hope everyone likes Metal cause um yeah I don’t really care what you like. My car my rules Chris: Fuck you too. He turns the radio on. News Reporter: Hurricane Lucy has turned into a category 5 and Is headed toward Florida. Meanwhile China is experiencing extreme heat changes. In Australia it’s snowing. It’s almost like the movie The Day After Tomorrow. All over the globe things are going bad. Donny: That movie was terribly inaccurate. Joaquin: Yeah well so is just about everything Hollywood puts out. You comfy can you read the map?

Donny: Yeah I’m fine.

Chris: They put things out? I thought they were all remake happy this decades. Grayer: that and super hero movie after superhero movie. He switches the station to another. “Faith No More-Epic” begins playing everyone stays quiet until they exit the neighborhood. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsqhV8kDkBw Kimber: So Heather, what does this camp look like? Sierra: She just wants to know how hard she will have to rough it. Heather: Well we have no wifi but the cabins have air condition and basically anything you could ask for.  We have nightly camp fires with the kids and for the most part it’s a pretty easy job. Just do activities with the kids and hang out. Kimber; Sounds better than sitting in the pool house all alone all summer. Heather: you’re parents not in town? Donny: Are aunt Colleen and Uncle Malcolm ever in town? Heather: You two are? Donny: Cousins. Joaquin: Twinkie eyes on the map before we get lost. Heather: are you sure you don’t want me in the front I’ve been going every summer since I was 6. He ignores her and keeps driving. Grayer: Uh Heather you smoke? Heather: Weed? Yeah a little here and there why? Chris: He’s always looking for new clients is why. He’s not smart enough to low key advertise. Kimber: Must be the weed killing all his brain cells. Grayer: That is a myth browski. Heather: So how do you all know each other? Chris: Sierra here is my twin sister, Kimber as you already know is Donny’s cousin. Grayer and Joaquin are friends of mine from elementary school. Sierra is friends with Kimber and Donny so it’s kind of like a big group that kind of exists without ever really being around each other. Sierra: What he means is we know of each other but we rarely chill unless to smoke at Kimber’s.  Do you have any siblings? Kimber nudges her. What? Oh shit I forgot sorry. Heather: it’s fine yeah his name was Austin but he went missing two years ago. Kimber: Yeah we kind of did the research on the place afterwards. Heather: Oh So you heard about the freshwater sharks then? Kimber: Fresh water sharks? Joaquin: She’s kidding blondie. Kimber: Oh right anyways umm yeah where did you get those shorts? Heather: Forever 21 at Lennox. Kimber: we must get some and soon. Grayer: I am going to pass the blunt to Joaquin first since he’s driving then he’ll pass it to Donny and so on or whatever. Heather You want to join us? Heather: Sure .Kimber what exactly do you have in that big purse of yours? Kimber: Oh umm you caught me. My whole closet basically. I brought some Jeans my pink cow girl boots a crop top. My curling and flat Irons tanning lotion. A Bathing suit My makeup bag a Mirror candy and a lighter in case I want to smoke later. Heather: You fit all that in that bag Sierra: She’s very resourceful. She’s also got suit cases. Heather: I only thought to bring playing cards Uno and the basics. You know we have consoler t-shirts we wear right. Kimber: Really? They come In pink? It’s my favorite color. Heather: Neons yes. Joaquin passes the Joint to Donny who is reluctant to take it. Joaquin: Hey twinkie hurry up and take it before I get burned. Donny: Are you sure? Joaquin; What you scared it’ll be like kissing me? Donny: No It’s just you barely smoked it Joaquin: Dude take it now. He burns his finger. Great now I’m burned dude just look at the map and get me there. I’m might wreck now that I have to drive one handed. They continue smoking until everyone is hungry and they stop at a Taco Bell for lunch. The Boys sit together while Heather the girls and Donny all sit together. Grayer: So Kimber is looking good. Joaquin: Dude just try and fuck her already, this crush has been going on for over 10 years. Grayer: Has not and you can’t just go up to a girl and be like hey let’s fuck. Chris: has so. And Uh Joaquin you’re one to talk you have something to confess? Joaquin: What do you mean? Chris: You specifically asked for Donny to sit up front with you. If you’re gay dude it’s cool. Grayer: Just don’t be a bottom. I hear that it hurts. This one dude got set to the hospital with rectum bleeding. Joaquin: Aint no dude putting anything up my ass. If you must know it’s because he’s the only one of you I know can read a damn map. That heather girl is too much of a know it all for me. Chris: I dare you to go over and kiss him. Grayer: No dude no! That is way wrong. Joaquin: Twinkie! He yells across the Taco Bell. The girls look over Sierra gives Chris the evil eye. Chris:  Sorry He umm yeah. Joaquin: Donny I uh I like your face. Want to suck them together. Kimber: He’s good but you can try the whore house we saw on the way here. Joaquin: Funny. The girls turn back around. Sierra: I got an Idea. Kimber: what? Sierra: Let’s pour a laxative in their drinks. My mom packed me some incase I got constipated. She pulls out a thing of Milk of Magnesia. Donny: apparently you get constipated Kimber: I just got the irony of this conversation. Heather: I’ve never had the shits from Taco Bell. Donny: Can you pour a whole bunch in Joaquins? Sierra: certainly. The boys all 3 get up to go to the bathroom shortly after giving Sierra the chance to spike their drinks. They all hop back in the van  afew minutes later. Mid conversation Joaquin begins to feel the effects. Joaquin: ah shit my tummy hurts I’m gonna have to pull over. Grayer: Dude mine too hurry up. Chris: Wait a minute my drink looks kind of milky! Sierra. Joaquin: What? Chris: She spiked our drinks. Joaquin: With what? Chris: The laxative my mom gave her. Kimber hands Grayer some toilet paper. Kimber: Have fun. Chris: You are so dead! Sierra: I never confessed to anything. The boys quickly run out of the van to shit the girls wait a little but then decide to leave and see what is taking so long. A Storm seems to be approaching. Heather: Did it suddenly get cold to you guys? Kimber: now that you said something yeah. Donny: Kimber is that bag not extremely heavy to carry? Kimber: Kind of but I had to pack a lot of stuff for reasons. They finally reached the boys who are playing in a lake. Sierra: how cute they’re bathing together. Joaquin: Only because you gave us the shits. Kimber: Aren’t you worried something might bite off your manly parts. Joaquin: It’s called wearing underwear. Heather: did you guys check for leeches? Donny: Clearly they haven’t seen stand by me. Grayer: Shit dude it’s fucking cold. I think I’m going to head out. Joaquin: Pussy. Grayer: suck my dick. He quickly swims to the edge of the lake and gets out to sit with the girls. Kimber notices blood coming down his leg. Kimber: Grayer oh my god check your pants I think you’re bleeding. he reaches into his boxers and spots a leech on his penis. He rips it off and begins screaming like a girl. Kimber runs over to him to calm him down. It’s ok. It’s ok. Sit down I’ll um get you a band aid. Donny: Hey there are leeches in the water get out! Joaquin and Chris do so and find a ton of leeches on their body,  They spend the next 20 minutes picking the leaches off. Joaquin: We don’t have to be at the camp site until tomorrow right? Heather: I mean My dad’s expecting us but no we don’t set up until tomorrow why? Joaquin: Let’s uh you know camp out. Kimber: are you crazy have you seen the discovery channel. Heather: No why? Kimber: The mer-fish it like totally eats people. Heather: You’re kidding right? Joaquin: we have sleeping bags I don’t see why not. Plus, I don’t feel like driving anymore. Chris: I’m in. Sierra: how fun camping with a bunch of boys. Grayer: I’m in if Kimber is. Joaquin: of course, you are. Donny: I’ll stay. Kimber: Ok fine just let me get my sleeping bag. that night everyone is hurtled around the fire smoking a blunt. Heather: So I called dad and he was worried but said to have fun. Kimber: you guys realize this is how every Friday The 13th movie starts right. Joaquin: Nobody have sex and will be fine. Donny: we smoked weed so we already broke a horror movie don’t. Joaquin: shit you’re right. It’s getting cold out. Chris: whoa look up at the sky. It looks like. Sierra: a circle right above us. Grayer: you think it’s aliens. Chris: Illuminati confirmed. Kimber: Is this really all boys think about? Sierra I’m afraid so. Joaquin: as opposed to what girls talk about make up and marriage. Kimber: So what you don’t plan on getting married? Joaquin: I don’t plan on dating, relationships are pointless. Heather: My parents have been together for 25 years so not all of them. Joaquin: That’s good for them, Not everyone is so lucky. Chris: and this has nothing to do with your abusive step father. Grayer: Ah shit you had to do it. Joaquin jumps him and they begin to fight. Sierra: is this really necessary? Donny: it’s a straight guy pride thing. Kimber: I didn’t realize they had that with the amount of girls they brag about sleeping with. Sierra: and then they want to call us sluts. Heather: They don’t plan to do this in front of the children, right? Grayer: These two you never know. The fight goes on until Joaquin punches Chris into the water and starts to drown him at this point everyone steps in to save Chris. Kimber: So now that you’re all wet and covered in leeches again can we please eat? Sierra: Eat what? Donny: You mean you didn’t pack food either? Grayer: I have gummy bears. Kimber: You have edibles not gummy bears. Joaquin: You have a pole and some wire? Heather: Why so you can fish? Joaquin: Shit no so I can strangle and beat Chris to death. Chris: He’s kidding. Joaquin: Try me again Bro. Chris: Truce I promise never to bring up your countless issues again. Joaquin: Oh fuck off. A gentle breeze begins to blow. Kimber: You know second thought maybe this camping thing is a bad idea. Can we leave before mer-fish appears please? Joaquin: Yeah I think we should grab our shit and go. Donny: It’s 3 hours away and it’s already night. Joaquin: And you can sleep all day tomorrow. Heather: Nah my dad usually wakes us up early. Joaquin: Why did I want to do this. Chris: Not touching that one. Sierra: let’s just go. Everyone piles back into the van and they head off. Joaquin: So do I keep going on 285 or what? Donny: Huh? Oh right yeah will be there in about another 3 hours if you do. Joaquin: That isn’t what I asked Twinkie? Donny: Yeah 285 north. Joaquin: Great. How’s Uh Dana? Donny: who my sister uh she’s fine. Why? Joaquin: Small talk Idk everyone else asleep and this is a long drive. Donny: It’s just you never speak to me Joaquin: Aren’t you always with the girls? Donny: Yeah Joaquin: Well I’m not. I don’t like groups. Sure Chris and Grayer are ok but too many people and you’ve got a problem. Next thing you know the cops are involved Donny:That happens to you? Joaquin: I’m Sure you’ve hear about the parties me and the guys go to. Donny: Chris and I barely speak. Joaquin: Well yeah I get into a lot of cop trouble. it looks like it’s about to start pouring. Oh how I wish I was asleep right now. Donny: Same I hope we get our own cabins. Joaquin: Same Grayer snores like a mother fucker. Donny: Well that will be fine. Joaquin glances to the back of the van. Joaquin: Stop by my bed and I’ll make sure you don’t hear anything. Donny: lovely gay jokes Joaquin: Sorry, I can be a little mean sometimes, I’m just unsure how to talk to you. You seem so unapproachable. Donny: I’m unapproachable. You’re the broody sits in the corner sulking one. It’s extremely scary. Joaquin: and you’re the flamboyantly in your face talkative one whose an expert on every subject. All I’m saying is it’s hard to compete Donny: So because you think I’m smart you don’t talk to me. Joaquin: basically. But uh yeah I’m having trouble seeing the road. Donny: I think going straight sounds like a good idea Joaquin: let me roll down my window. He see’s the road clearer but he’s getting drenched. He swerves the van a little. Donny: Well that will wake them up. Joaquin: This weather is crazy. I should pull over Donny: Wait hold on. Joaquin: What why? Donny: That bright light ahead. Joaquin: What is that other driver doing on this side of the road? Don hold on I’m about to do some crazy shit they don’t allow in driving school. He swerves the car right into the light which turns out to be a space time portal. The car is suddenly floating into a dried up river basin. Everyone at this point is awake and concerned about their safety.