#also i know so many people have done the willem dafoe thing but god damn it i need to throw in my two cents too lmao

[once-in-a-half-life]

recreating memes in gmod part 3 (finally)

part 1

part 2

bonus: i also started teaching myself s2fm because I figured out how to use it on my steam deck haha

[ryanmeft]

Ryan’s Favorite Films of 2019

A stuttering detective,

A top hat-wearing vamp

A forced-perspective war,

A bit of Blaxploitation camp

Prisoners on a space ship

Having sex with bears

A writer goes remembering

Whenever his pain flares

  A prancing, dancing Hitler

A gambler high on strife

Here will go cavorting with

A mom who becomes a wife

A family plot with many threads

Three men against their own

A stuntman and his actor

A mobster now quite alone

Doubles under the earth

Two men in a tall house

Are here to watch a woman who

Is battling with her spouse

A family’s plans for their strong son

Go awry one night

A man rejects his country

Which is spoiling for a fight

 A house built by his grandpa

(Maybe; we’re not sure)

Looks out upon three prisoners

Whose passions are a lure

  All these are on my list this year

It’s longer than before

Because picking only ten this time

Was too great of a chore

  What are limits anyway?

They’re just things we invented

I don’t really find them useful

So, this year, I’ve dissented

  You may have noticed this time out

That numbers, I did grant

Promise they’ll stay in this order, though?

Now that, I just can’t

  I’m always changing my mind

Because, after all, you see

Good film is about the heart

And mine’s rather finicky

  There are a lot more I could name

(And I’ll change my mind at any time)

For now, though, consider these

The ones I found sublime

 20. Motherless Brooklyn

I’ve got a (hard-boiled) soft spot for 90’s neo-noirs like L.A. Confidential, Red Rock West and Seven, and Edward Norton’s ‘50’s take on Jonathan Lethem’s 90’s -set novel can stand firmly in that company.

19. Doctor Sleep

There’s something about Stephen King’s best writing that transcends mere popularity; his work may not be fine literature, but it is immune to the fads of the moment. So, too, are the best movies based on that work. This one, an engaging adventure-horror, deserved better than it got from audiences.

18. Jojo Rabbit

There was a time when the anything-goes satire of Mel Brooks could produce a major box office hit.  Disney’s prudish refusal to market the film coupled with the dominance of franchises means that’s no longer the case. If you bothered to give Jojo a shot, though, you got the strange-but-rewarding experience of guffawing one moment and being horrified the next.

17. By The Grace of God

I’d venture this is the least-seen film on my list; even among us brie-eating, wine-sniffing art house snobs, I rarely hear it mentioned. Focusing on the perspectives of three men dealing with a particularly heinous and unrepentant abusive priest and the hierarchy that protects him, it’s every bit as disquieting and infuriating as 2015’s Oscar-winning Spotlight.

16. Waves

You think Trey Edward Shultz’s Waves will be one thing---a domestic drama about an affluent African-American family (and that in and of itself is a rarity). Then it becomes something else entirely. It addresses something movies often avoid: that as life goes on, the person telling the story will always change.

15. Transit

You’re better off not questioning exactly where and when the film is set (it is based on a book about Nazi Germany but has been changed to be a more generalized Fascist state). The central theme here is identity, as three people change theirs back and forth based on need and desire.

14. American Woman

Movies about regular, working class, small-town American usually focus on men. This one is about a much-too-young mother and grandmother, played brilliantly by Sierra Miller, dealing with unexpected loss and the attendant responsibilities she isn’t ready for. 

13. Marriage Story

There is an argument between a married couple in here that is as true a human moment as ever was on screen---free of trumped-up screenplay drama and accurate to how angry people really argue. The entire movie strives to be about the kind of realistic divorce you don’t see on-screen. It is oddly refreshing.

12. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

Quentin Tarantino’s love letter to 70’s Tinseltown is essentially a question: What if the murder that changed the industry forever had gone down differently? Along the way, it also manages to be a clever and insightful study of fame and fulfillment, or lack thereof.

11. High Life

Claire Denis is damned determined not to be boring. Your reaction to her latest film will probably depend on how receptive you are to that as the driving force of a film. Myself, I’m very receptive. I want to see the personal struggles of convicts unwittingly shipped into space, told without Action-Adventure tropes, in a movie that sometimes misfires but is never dull.

 10. Dolemite Is My Name

And fuckin’ up motherfuckers is my game! Look, if you don’t like naughty words, you probably shouldn’t be reading my columns---and you definitely shouldn’t be watching this movie. Eddie Murphy plays Rudy Ray Moore, the ambitious, irrepressible and endlessly optimistic creator of Blaxpoitation character Dolemite. Have you seen the 1975 film? It’s either terrible and wonderful, or wonderful and terrible, and the jury’s still out. Either way, Moore in the film is a self-made comic who establishes himself by talking in a unique rhyming style that speaks to black Americans at a time when black pop culture (and not just the white rendition of it) was finally beginning to pierce the American consciousness. What The Disaster Artist did for The Room, this movie does for Dolemite---with the difference being I felt like I learned something I didn’t know here.

 9. 1917

Breathless, nerve-wracking and somehow intensely personal even though it almost never takes time to slow down, it is fair to call Sam Mendes’s film a thrill ride---but it’s one that enlightens us on a fading historical time, rather than simply being empty calories. Filmed in such a way as to make it seem like one continuous, two-hour take, for which some critics dismissed it as a gimmick, the technique is used to lock us in with the soldiers whose mission it is to save an entire division from disaster. We are given no information or perspective that the two central soldiers---merely two, in a countless multitude---do not have, and so we are with them at every moment, deprived of the relief of omniscience. I freely admit I tend to give anything about World War I the benefit of the doubt, but there’s no doubt that the movie earns my trust.

8. Ash Is Purest White

Known by the much less cool-sounding name Sons and Daughters of Jianghu in China, here is a story that starts off ostensibly about crime---a young woman and her boyfriend are powerful in the small-potatoes mob scene of a dying industrial town---but after the surprising first act becomes a meditation on life, perseverance and exactly how much power is worth, anyway, when it is so fleeting and so easily lost. What do you do when everything that defined you is gone? You go on living. This is my first exposure to writer-director Jia Zhangke, an oversight I must strive hard to correct in future.

7. Knives Out

The whodunit is a lost art, a standard genre belonging to a time when mass audiences could appreciate a picture even if someone didn’t run, yell or explode while running and yelling every ten minutes. Rian Johnson and an all-star cast rescued it from the brink of cinematic extinction and gave it just enough of a modern injection to keep it relevant. Every second of the film is engaging; Johnson even manages to have a character whose central trait is throwing up when asked to lie, and he makes it seem sympathetic rather than juvenile. The fantastic cast of characters is backed up with all the qualities of “true” cinema: perfect camerawork, an effective score, mesmerizing production design. As someone who didn’t much care for Johnson’s Star Wars outing, I’m honestly put out this didn’t do better at the box office than it did.

6. A Hidden Life

After a few questionable efforts and completely losing the thread with the execrable vanity project Song to Song, Terence Malick returns to his bread and butter: meditative dramas on the nature of faith, family, and being on the outside looking in, which encompass a healthy dose of nature, philosophy and people talking without moving their lips. That last is a little dig, but it’s true: Malick does Malick, and if you don’t like his thing, this true story about a German dissenter in World War II will not change your mind. For me, what Malick has done is that rarest of things: he had made a movie about faith, and about a character who is faithful, without proselytizing. That the closeness and repressiveness of the Nazi regime is characterized against Malick’s typical soaring backdrops is a masterstroke, and the best-ever use of his visual style.

5. The Lighthouse

Robert Eggers is a different kind of horror filmmaker. After redefining what was possible with traditional horror monsters in The Witch, he returned with something that couldn’t be more different: an exploration of madness more in the vein of European film than American. Robert Pattinson and Willem Dafoe are two men stranded in a lighthouse together slowly losing their minds, or what is left of them. The haunting score and stark, black-and-white photography evoke a nightmare caught on tape, something we’re not supposed to be seeing. It’s not satisfying in a traditional way, but for those craving something more cerebral from horror, Eggers has it covered.

4. Us

I have become slightly notorious in my own little circle for not thinking Get Out was the greatest film ever made, and now I’ve become rather known for thinking Us just might be. Ok, so that’s definite hyperbole: “greatest” is a tall claim for almost any horror movie. Yet here Jordan Peele shows that he can command an audience’s attention even when not benefiting from a popular cultural zeitgeist in terms of subject matter. It’s a movie with no easy or clear message, one that specializes in simply unsettling us with the idea that the world is fundamentally Not Right. I firmly believe that if Peele becomes a force in the genre, 50 years from now when he and all of us are gone, his first film will be remembered as a competent start, while this will be remembered as the beginning of his greatness.

3. The Last Black Man in San Francisco

Ostensibly about urban gentrification, this story of a young black man trying to save his ancestral home from the grasping reach of white encroachment is a flower with many petals to reveal. Don’t let my political-sounding description turn you off: the movie is not a polemic in the slightest, but rather a wry, sensitive look at people, their personalities and how those personalities are intertwined with the places they call home. Though the movie is the directorial debut of Joe Talbot, it is based loosely on the memories and feelings of his friend Jimmie Falls, who also plays one of the two central characters. If you’ve ever watched a place you love fall to the ravages of time and change, this movie may strike quite a chord with you.

2. Uncut Gems

When asked why this movie is great, I usually say that it was unbelievably stressful and caused me great anxiety. This description is not usually successful in selling it. The Safdie Brothers have essentially filmed chaos: a man self-destructing in slow-motion, if you can call it slow. Howard Ratner has probably been gradually exploding all his life; he strikes you as someone who came out of the womb throwing punches. He’s an addictive gambler who loves the risk much more than the reward, and can’t gain anything good in life without risking it on a proverbial roll of the dice. His behavior is destructive. His attitude is toxic. Why do we root for him? Perhaps because, as played by Adam Sandler, he never has any doubt as to who he is---something few of us can say. He’s an asshole, but he’s a genuine asshole, and somehow that’s appealing even when you’re in his line of fire.

1. Pain and Glory

When I realized I would, for the first time, have the chance to see a Pedro Almodovar film on the screen, I was overjoyed. His movies aren’t always great, but that was of little concern: he’s one of the handful of directors on the planet who can fairly call back to the avant-garde traditions of Bergman or Truffaut, making the movies he wants to make about the things he want to make them about, and I’d never seen one of his films when it was new and fresh, only months or years later on DVD.

It seems I picked right, as his latest has been almost universally hailed as one of the best of his long career. An aging, aching filmmaker spends his days in his apartment, ignoring the fans of his original hit film and most of his own acquaintances, alive or dead---he tries hard to put his memories away. Throughout the course of the movie, he re-engages with most of them in one way or another, coming to terms with who he is and where he’s been, though not in a Hallmark-movie-of-the-week way. Antonio Banderas plays him in the role that was always denied him by his stud status in Hollywood. It isn’t simply him, though: every person we meet is engaging and, we sense, has their own story outside of how they intersect with his. Most engaging is that of his deceased mother, who in her youth was played vivaciously by a sun-toughened Penelope Cruz. Perhaps Almodovar will tell us some of their stories some day. Perhaps not. I would read an entire book of short fiction all about them. This is the year’s best film.

[johnnymundano]

First Reformed (2018)

Directed by Paul Schrader

Written by Paul Schrader

Music by Lustmord

Country: United States

Language: English

Running Time: 113 minutes

CAST

Ethan Hawke as Pastor Ernst Toller

Amanda Seyfried as Mary Mensana

Cedric Kyles as Pastor Joel Jeffers

Victoria Hill as Esther

Philip Ettinger as Michael Mensana

Michael Gaston as Edward Balq

Bill Hoag as John Elder

(Confession: All images stolen from the Internet. We’re all going to hell anyway.)

In which Paul Schrader, a man whose last movie I bought from a pound shop makes a movie with goofy Ethan Hawke as a sad vicar and…it’s my favourite movie of 2018? Damn straight it is, Poncho. In First Reformed Paul Schrader creates a gloriously stark and sedately paced meditation on the question, how can we survive in the face of despair?

First of all, the Ethan in the room. Ethan Hawke. He’s okay, right? Never a chore to watch, but hardly a heavy hitter. A pleasant enough addition to any cast. Well, that was before First Reformed. First Reformed is movie about revelation and Ethan Hawke’s Ernst Toller(1) surely is a revelation. Toller, predictably enough, is the umpteenth iteration of Schrader’s evolving portrait of (Thomas Mann’s) God’s Lonely Man, and, like the Whitman said, he is large, he contains multitudes; he is the refined essence of all the God’s Lonely Men who came before him. Given Hawke’s predecessors in this ever mutating role include such titans of thesping as Robert De Niro, Willem Dafoe, George C. Scott and Richard Gere, the fact that his (Ethan Hawke’s!) performance can lounge comfortably amongst them is perhaps the biggest surprise in First Reformed. Appropriately enough, watching Hawke as Toller you will feel the scales fall from your eyes; Ethan Hawke (Ethan Hawke!) is not a lightweight screen presence, he is, in fact, an actor of the top tier. It helps that in First Reformed he’s given top tier material by a true auteur going at it like he’ll never get to go at it again. First Reformed is Schrader at the top of his mature game, exerting an iron control over material driven by an icy rage. And Hawke (Ethan Hawke!) is more than equal to the task. The boy done good.

1) A toller is defined as “a person who rings church bells (as for summoning the congregation) bell ringer, ringer. signaler, signaller - someone who communicates by signals.” There is some irony here as Toller’s congregation is small, but he definitely communicates via signals, particularly so at the close of the movie. Oh yes, particularly then.)

Everyone else has to act in Hawke’s daunting shadow, so it is absolutely to their credit that they still shine so brightly, so fiercely.  I doubt many people other than his immediate family thought that Cedric the Entertainer could portray such a smoothly venal and slyly manipulative Pastor, while still appearing wholly human and relatable. (Mind you, Brummy funnyman Lenny Henry made a creditable Othello, so who the hell knows?) Michael Gaston is great as Edward Balq (2), the bad businessman who ambushes Toller over apple pie and thinks maybe it’s God’s plan to fuck up the world for cash. And he’s no one dimensional greedy meanie either, he is part of Schrader’s dramatisation of humanity’s struggle with The Bible’s (typically) contradictory command to both tame the world and also to preserve it. The abysmal weight of the latter burden falls on Philip Ettinger, as Michael Mensana (3). Ettinger is worryingly convincing as a man who clearly can no longer control his own mind. This tortured soul is desperately using his last scraps of rapidly fleeing reason to prevent himself from doing an unforgivable thing; either via the humane intervention of Toller or via other, more drastic measures. Amanda Seyfried is harrowingly vulnerable as Michael’s wife, Mary Mensana (4), but she also brings the core of steel essential for survival in the fallen world, a core which her husband, Michael, fatally lacks.  

2) “Balq” is a phonetic ringer for “balk” i.e. to hesitate or be unwilling to accept an idea or undertaking.

3) Mensana alludes to “mens sana”, the Latin for “healthy mind”; it is used ironically for Michael. His mind is unhealthy.

4) Mens sana is used literally in the case of Mary. She also deserves its use in the wider sense; Mary embodies Juvenal’s phrase “mens sana in corpore sano”. She is “a healthy mind in a healthy body”. Her pregnancy is a sign of health and hope. Also, she’s called “Mary” and is pregnant in a movie thrumming with religious tones both over and under; I don’t think we need Sherlock Holmes to puzzle that one out for us.

Things are being said in First Reformed. Things weightier than “Tom Cruise can save the world without chipping a nail” or “uptight businesswomen need to unclench so wacky men can love them”. All true and valuable lessons, no doubt, but they aren’t what’s being said in First Reformed. Of course, something is usually being said in a Paul Schrader movie. That’s the way Paul Schrader rolls; like the thunder. Paul Schrader has been knocking about movies for what, five decades now? Since 1974 anyway, when The Yakuza was filmed by Sydney Pollack from a script by Schrader and his brother, Leonard. It was a good start; an entertaining geriatric action movie, involving an aged Robert Mitchum steamrollering his way through the Yakuza, while delicately pining for his war-time love. A little bit of playing in the Hitchcock sandbox aside (Obsession, Dir. Brian De Palma, 1979), this potent fuel of meditative violence would form the core of Schrader’s early offerings, with Rolling Thunder (dir. John Flynn, 1977) and, particularly, Taxi Driver (Dir. Martin Scorsese, 1976) refining the approach. Movies like Blue Collar (1978) and Hardcore (1979) also displayed Schrader’s interest in alienation, guilt, dehumanisation, guilt, sexuality and spiritual inquiry. And guilt. Sure, such themes were certainly less immediately arresting than hook handed ‘Nam vets and tonto taxi drivers, but with American Gigolo (1980) Schrader successfully intertwined all his major themes, high and low, into his first critical and commercial career maker of a knockout. That same year saw the release of the Schrader scripted Raging Bull (dir. Martin Scorsese). Top o’ the world, ma, in effect.

There then followed the ‘80s and, for Schrader, what appeared to be a “kid in a candy store” phase.  (Legal note: no one said “nose candy”) Given the freedom Hollywood success bestows, Schrader  indulged his more personal fascinations via his own scripts and those of others. Schrader having more going on upstairs than most in La La Land, this led to mixed results; his study of the celebrated Japanese author and coup instigator Mishima: A Life in Four Chapters (1985) clearly being of more artistic value than his study of Nastassja Kinski’s bare arse in his remake of Cat People (1982). But I have watched the latter far more than the former, so who am I to judge? Somewhere in this wayward and invigoratingly fun period is a movie about kidnapped heiress Patty Hearst (1988) and an adaptation of Paul Theroux’s Mosquito Coast (Dir. Peter Weir, 1986). And I’m pretty sure few filmographies contain a musical starring Michael J. Fox and Joan Jett (Light of Day, 1987) and a Jesus movie which managed to upset various touchy Christian groups, including that of his own father (The Last Temptation of Christ, Dir. Martin Scorsese, 1988). A real cinematic fruit basket; lots of fun, something for everyone.

But after the party comes the hangover, alas, and the early ‘90s for our fascinating firebrand seemed somewhat listless and directionless. At best. Schrader working with Harold Pinter sounds dauntingly awesome, especially with Christopher Walken and Helen Mirren on board, but the result was a stodgy Europudding adaptation of Ian McEwan’s The Comfort of Strangers (1990). (Walken is amazing in it though, true.) Then in 1992 there came Light Sleeper, a perfectly fine movie, a pretty damn good movie in fact; if you ignore that it’s basically American Gigolo for drug dealers, with a soupcon of a last act shootout for Taxi Driver/Rolling Thunder flavour. It’s probably Schrader’s best ‘90s movie because it magpies from all his earlier, good movies.  A TV movie starring Dennis Hopper which used fear of witchcraft as a metaphor for the ‘50s Communist scare (Witch Hunt, 1994) sounds…interesting. (I haven’t seen it.) And the lean period sputtered out with a script contribution to City Hall (Dir. Harold Becker, 1996), a movie which despite a class pedigree stubbornly refused to ignite. No period in Schrader’s filmography is a total loss, but there was a clear lack of  artistic traction in those six years.

Maybe even Schrader noticed, because in 1997 his work flowered anew with the release of both Touch and Affliction. As if invigorated by the source works, Schrader produced one of the best ever Elmore Leonard adaptations (an even greater achievement given the atypical nature of Touch. Christopher Walken is excellent in it, obviously), and an appropriately despairing staging of Russel Banks’ grim novel of dysfunctional families and DIY dentistry. As to the latter it would be lax to fail to state how incredible James Coburn is as The Awful Father. I’ve never seen Forever Mine (1999), so for me Schrader’s ‘90s closed on a high with the adaptation of Joe Connelly’s Bringing Out the Dead (Dir. Martin Scorsese, 1999). A fine high-octane night-in-the-life-of-a-paramedic parable featuring a lively cast kicking out the jams; all led by a truly great Nicolas Cage before his fall, before his face started adorning novelty sequin cushions.

In 2002, with Autofocus (from Robert Graysmith's book “The Murder of Bob Crane”) Schrader went back to the well of morality and debauchery he had been lightly dipping into throughout his career, and this time chucked the bucket in further than he had since Hardcore, drawing up a weighty, but darkly comic, look at the corrupting influence of images. Pretty ballsy for a man who trades in the things. It was a great start to the 2000s, so obviously it immediately turned to shit. So shit in fact most of the movies from this period appeared without my noticing, were difficult to source, or were disowned by Schrader himself. Not exactly Paul Schrader: The Glory Years. A 2005 Exorcist prequel was yanked off him by the studio and re-edited and re-shot under Renny Harlin. The Walker (2007), was really good with Woody Harrelson as a gay “professional companion” to older women accidentally uncovering Washington corruption; a kind of Light Sleeper for gay consorts. A really good movie, but nobody noticed. In 2008 Adam Resurrected occurred without my noticing, as did The Canyons (2013). In 2014 I did notice The Dying of the Light was taken off Schrader and re-edited by the studio so, without wishing to cause offence:  **** that one. And this is where we came in...last year I picked up Dog Eat Dog (2016) on Blu-Ray in a Pound Shop; it was…very energetic, very hectic; a post fall Nic Cage and a never-even-stumbled-once Willem Dafoe were obviously having fun. I kind of dug it in a weird way, but Schrader definitely looked like his best days were behind him. Then I heard he was doing a movie with Ethan ****ing Hawke as a sad vicar or something. Hoo boy.

HOO BOY! indeed. Cover my face with egg and fry it in a pan! Yeah, Paul Schrader made a movie with Ethan Hawke as a sad vicar or something, and it was one of The 3 Movies I Loved in 2018. (The others, obviously, being Mandy and Let The Corpses Tan. I’m sure everyone agrees.) Schrader, the wily bugger had just been playing possum; letting his energies build, fermenting his themes, you know, getting ready to put out some fires with gasoline, as someone sang over the credits to one of his movies once. Filmed in the hypnotically discreet Transcendental Style so dear to his heart First Reformed is the “Paul Schrader movie” par excellence. It’s all been building to this one, kids!

First Reformed is a heartbreaker, a goddamn beautiful heartbreaker of a thing, it moves soft as a breeze and punches you in the heart like LaMotta on meth. The everyday becomes numinously stunning under Schrader’s soporific direction; the mundane is exalted; an indefinable mysticism hums through every scene; every performance is pregnant with the preternatural. Schrader lays his transcendental groundwork so well that when the movie makes a late lurch into magical realism it doesn’t jar, it just feels right; no, it just feels perfect. In First Reformed, terrible, terrible feelings are going on behind ordinary people’s faces; terrible, terrible feelings Schrader’s camera miraculously, tenderly, delicately captures like snow settling on an outstretched tongue. So, no, slow cinema doesn’t have to be boring cinema; only bad cinema is boring cinema. And First Reformed is good cinema. First Reformed is great cinema. First Reformed is Paul Schrader taking back the crown. Turns out everyone else was just keeping it warm.

[marxiehodgeheg]

Death Note (2017)

okay, so I just watched the Death Note movie and damn that shit was

WILD

so im just going to compile some small notes about how bad and how much they fucked Death Note like fuck man

Please Note: there are going to be elements of spoilers in this list so if you are planning on watching Death Note (2017) be aware (but in all honesty please dont watch it just watch the 2006 Anime Adaptation I beg you, I am doing you a solid)

lets begin

ok so first off, this shit is americanised so of course there is a buttload of whitewashing because if you didnt know Death Note is Japanese and set in Japan and the characters are Japanese - please. 

Light Yagami is a good boy™ so like how dare you make this shitty bad boy - hes doing other peoples homework please no

the Death Note lands right next to him - um no the Death Note lands 10 feet away from Yagami and outside his classroom stop this

also it starts raining right after he picks up the Death Note - spoooky

white!light finds some bullys who are obviously over school age and so he pulls the child abuse card on them if they were to hit him - he gets decked anyway. 

he gets caught with the homework and put into detention and oh no the light went out - creepy factor™ to the max - so spooked 

oh yeah, did i mention that this film is rated an 18 

so of course theres been swearing and cursing from everyone, even Light - sorry not my Light 

best part of the film was white!light shitting himself when he see Ryuk like yes 10/10 A++ content would watch that scene again

white!light also slaps himself and i wanted him to do it more 

theres more swearing, i mean i had to settle in for a wild ride with fucks and shits throughout this whole film, but like the anime was only a 15 

also Willem Dafoe as Ryuks voice was pretty cool, had a nice ring to it but anyway 

he goes to kill older bully because Ryuk says he wants to (obviously hes hesitant) but cant 

legit words from the film “i dont have a pen” Ryuk pulls out a pen “well its good you have one” im yeLLING

he writes older bully guys name down but oh no, Ryuk tells him to write down how so guess what 

HE CHOOSES DECAPITATION IM SERIOUS YALL THIS IS HIS FIRST KILL NO HESITATION JUST WRITES DOWN DECAPITATION LIKE WHO FUCKEN WROTE THIS 

FUCKEN GORE TO THE MAX YOU SEE THIS GUYS HEAD BE FUCKEN RIPPED FROM HIS BODY BY A TRAGIC ACCIDENT LIKE FUCK 

by this point i was already like #NotMyDeathNote i mean 

dad is introduced, but where is mother and sister - ill tell you where - non existant (mum is dead and there was never any sister) 

MORE SWEARING >:(

theres still apples tho and Ryuk still loves them 

white!light reads the Death Note rules (well he actually skims them but okay) 

comes across some scribble and sees a not “dont trust Ryuk”

HE PRONOUNCES IT RYE-UK NO LIE IM LIKE HOW THE FUCK DARE YOU NO ITS RYUK PRONOUNCED REE-UK FUCK YOU

its okay tho because Ryuk comes out and shuts him down with the correct pronunciation like yas bitch you tell him 

ALSO LET ME LOOK AT MY MAIN MAN STOP PUTTING HIM IN THE DARKNESS LET ME SEE HIS FACE NOT JUST HIS EYES 

Ryuk suggests shark attacks on the toilet as a not possible example of death - Ryuk i thought you were better than this 

angry scribbling of names - damn white!light is mad 

AND ANOTHER THING WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE HEART ATTACKS LIKE HE JUST KEPT SPECIFYING THE DEATHS - NO THIS IS NOT HOW IT WORKS YOU DONT NEED TO JUST KEEP WRITING THESE SHITTY DEATHS

you get one look at Ryuk and damn, my man you ugly im sorry they did you like that

okay back at school, watching the team practice and guess what 

HES GOT THE DEATH NOTE AND HES READING IT IN THE OPEN IN PUBLIC - BITCH PUT IT THE FUCK AWAY

OH BUT WAIT A GIRL SEES HIM - SHE NOTICES IT AND IS LIKE “oo Death Note whats that” AND HES LIKE “nah its nothing™” 

BUT IT GETS BETTER 

HE TELLS HER ABOUT IT AND LETS HER READ IT AND SHOWS HER HOW IT WORKS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON - MY LIGHT WOULD NEVER DO THIS 

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO THIS CHICK IS BUT APPARENTLY HE DOES AND SHE KNOWS HIM SO IM LIKE WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS SO WRONG - WHO IS SHE?!?!?!

so new girl who im sure is supposed to be Misa Misa says to white!light “lets change the world together” and so these words obviously go straight to white!lights dick because theres sexual tension in the air

“can i kiss you?” “youre not suppose to ask” 

she just fucken pins him to the wall shes making him her bitch and theyre kissing ugh my eyes hurt 

cut back to school and they in class and they looking at each other like they fucked 

then theres more kissing like fucking straight white movie romances am i right 

theyre finding a name for the God who will rule the new world

of course its Kira like what else is it going to be

“Kira means light in celtic” and then quickly “also its similar to the word killer in Japanese” like damn bitch i wonder why you quickly said that - oh yeah because Death Note is actUALLY JAPANESE 

im so fucjing done with this film 

but now the death victims are leaving perfectly written Japanese messages on the walls like this doesnt mAKE UP FOR YOUR SHITTY WHITEWASHING

news time: white boy feels special for getting lots of praise and attention for killing bad guys 

were suddenly in Japan in a night/strip club 

hooded guy is introduced - hes speaks Japanese - finally we are saved by the Japanese guy who I assume is L

nope L is not Japanese just speaks it just like in the anime 

white!light is suddenly angry as detective dad for getting on the Kira case like damn what is your damage 

Watari is here but he is not cute and kind looking like in the anime, i am disappointed 

white!lights dad talks to L on the laptop - but wheres the garbled voice???????

L is introdu--

L IS BLACK, I REPEAT L IS BLACK - ARREST THAT WHITE BOY BECOME POWERFUL WE ARE SAVED 

“rest your glutes” - true words from L. a real line in a real fim 

movie!L is just as good and cute as anime!L 

nope wait, he actually appears in public himself instead of a decoy - im sorry but i cant have this - not my L

he might have had his face covered and hooded but still - not my L 

WHITE!LIGHT IS RUDE - HE TALKS TO RYUK LIKE SHIT - TELLS HIM TO SHUT THE FUCK UP HOW DARE YOU I WOULD HAVE KILLED HIM FOR THAT ALONE

finally found out Misa Misa replacements name 

its Mia

some cops walked off a building 

i kind of stopped taking as many notes by this point i was just not paying attention 

“if you fuck this were not the good guys anymore” - what part of killing people, be they bad or not, makes you the good guys? NONE

L and Light meeting in a cafe 

L becomes a cat and pushes shit off the table 

“youre the one who flew into the sun, im just the one to make sure you actually burn” - yooOOOOOOO L rekt u 

white!lights dad dares to be killed - Mia thinks about doing it but white!light stops her - she gets dumped 

she begs for him back 

she pulls out the i love you card 

it works because of course it would and theyre kissing again - like fuck no bitch you tried to kill my dad get the fuck out

Watari is targeted, his name is written in the book - LEAVE HIM ALONE

apparently people can be spared by burning the page with their name on it, what kind of bullshit

L is angry, he is so smad 

L GETS PINNED AGGRESSIVELY TO A TABLE UNHAND HIM YOU HEATHENS 

but another fault that L doesnt really get mad, hes actually a cool cucumber im sorry not my L

homecoming dance - really 

Mia gives white!light his outfit for it and also a hat with a note saying “i have it” 

have what idk

Ls old kids home is creepy™

white!light is wEARING A TOPHAT TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE WHA THE FUCK 

it was a decoy trick wow

oh no Wataris page is missing it cant be burned now, WATARI IS GOING TO DIE 

Watari dies before he can give white!light Ls real name HA

Take my Breath Away by Berlin plays at the dance - beautiful 

oh damn Mia actally outsmarts and FCUKS white!light - she wrote his name in the Death Note 

nope wait shes going to burn the page to bring him back fucking

she still fucked him over tho

L is still smad, but now hes got a gun and hes stolen a cop car 

theres a mangled L theme going on i swear

smashes through a “drive slow, drive safe” sign - good one L 

L finds white!light and chases him on foot

L IS RUNNING I REPEAT L IS RUNNING 

PARKOUR 

L IS DOWN AND OUT COLD IM 

now white!light has the gun

news flash: white boy is having regrets but white girl is living it 

its sad™

OH DAMN HE FUCKED HER OVER BACK IM YELLING

theyre on a ferris wheel and then it collapses spontaneously 

oh no white boy is having major regret about everything what a shame 

bye Mia, bye white!light 

oop Mia is dead 

L is okay 

white!light is in the water 

some random sees the washed up Death Note and picks it up 

white!light is in hospital - the random returns the Death Note to him

 memories of dead girlfriend™

father just now realised that his son is Kira

WHITE BOY SET THE WHOLE FUCKING THING UP - HE TELLS HIS DAD EVERYTHING LIKE FUCK HE MIGHT BE WHITE BUT HE FUCKING SMART 

L is still smad but now he had good hard evidence and proof of Kira

Ryuk is laughing and says that humans are interesting 

and then get this 

IT FUCING ENDS 

WHITE!LIGHT LIVES HE FUCKING LIVES AND LIKE IM JUST LIKE THIS IS NOT RIGHT WHAT THE FUCK NO PUT IT RIGHT FUCKING KILL HIM YOU COWARDS AND LET L LIVE 

but its okay because there are “funny bloopers” in the end credits 

more mangled L theme

im now watching the original 2006 anime and all is well 

Death Note 2017 whats that? 

[miserelysia]

So I watched the Netflix Death Note adaptation...

And I did a liveblog because that’s how I cope with bad adaptations of things I love. It’s pretty long but so was the movie. Also swearing.

HERE WE GO~

- Setting: Seattle. I'd say you already failed, Netflix, but I was prepared for this. And alright, so we have a re-imagining of Deathnote. - Our hero creepily hangs out right behind cheerleader practice and does homework, awesome - also he a nerd who does other people's homework and judges them - cool - chick who smokes and gives him eyes is Mia - and Light doesn't know how to smile - well it really does seem like Ryuk CHOSE him in this version instead of just randomly throwing his Death Note down to earth - why are we all afraid of rain we're in SEATTLE - super awkward, tortured troubled nerdy white boy, gotcha - ...light are you not reading the other rules. that's kind of important. THERE ARE RULES FOR A REASON. - oh shit it's time for willem dafoe's big debue - HI FRIENDDDD - LMAO LIGHT'S SCREAM - I MEAN, RELATABLE BUT - RIDICULOUS - why didn't they just name him Larry ffs "Light" just sounds weird for an American kid - I'm gonna call him Larry - okay let's jump right to DECAPITATION LOL DAMN SON - DAAAMMMMNNNN SON - THAT IS NOT THE KIND OF HORROR I WAS LOOKING FOR IN THIS MOVIE - OMG LARRY U KILLED KENNY - way to trash the classroom Ryuk - what happened to my friendly bored shinigami - he got Americanized(TM) - LARRY YOU GOTTA READ THE WHOLE TERMS & CONDITIONS ON SOMETHING LIKE THIS FFS BOY - i mean granted we don't have the whole terms & conditions because they weren't all written out in the manga - or were they?  i never read them - bUT THEN I WASN'T THE ONE WITH THE POWER TO FUCKING DECAPITATE PEOPLE BY WRITING THEIR NAME DOWN - thank you Ryuk for giving the correct pronunciation of your name - so either Ryuk is lying about the rules of the Death Note, saying it HAS to belong to a human, orrrrrr this is another Adaptation Thing - okay well Larry definitely isn't any Light Yagami but his character is.... pretty realistic for a Troubled White Boy(TM) - just wondering how the heck Larry is gonna be smart enough to avoid detection - also is he going to take a chip and eat it - lol damn how'd you know Antony was at a dinner party, Larry? - AWWWWWW HIS DAD LOVES HIM YAY - okay Ryuk's design is..... okay - LARRY WHY R U BRINGIN IT TO SCHOOL - AND WHY ARE YOU SITTING IN THE BLEACHERS DURING GYM??? - or are you creeping on cheerleaders again boy wtf - "you saw a guy decapitated? damn that's hot" mia what's wrong with u - LMAO YEAH SURE SHOW HER THE DEATH NOTE????? - OKAY - ugggghhhh come on, anyone who TOUCHES the death note can see Ryuk not just the keeper. why change that rule???? you could have so many more amazing "HOLY SHIT AN 8 FOOT TALL DEMON?!?!?!??" scenes - "i have a death god" well i'm glad they're not trying to make everyone say "shinigami" the whole time - "you of all people want to see this" HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT CAN YOU TELL SHE'S A SOCIOPA--okay granted, she did talk about wanting to see Kenny's decapitation - "you snot-nosed little douchebag" that is.... such a tame insult for a guy who's holding a gun to a lady??? - um why was that rogue SWAT truck just driving through at top speed you can't control other people i thought??? - also why did he just fuckin EXPLODE when it hit him like a damn garbage bag damn Netflix - holy shit Mia what's your damage why are you so hype about this - lmaoooo nerdy virgin boyyyyy - no longer a virgin boyyyy - having weird sociopathic sexytimes with his weird sociopathic girlfriendddd - white boy saviour complex is go - AYYYY GOD COMPLEX IS GO - time to get busyyyyyyy KILLING PEOPLE - um did you really target EVERYONE IN A NIGHTCLUB WTF BOI SOME OF THEM WEREN'T EVIL - or are they just saying someone shot up the whole place BUT YOUR VICTIM'S ACTIONS CAN'T RESULT IN SOMEONE ELSE'S DEATH I THOUGHT??? - i do like that L is a black man - why is Watari kinda creepy - AWWWWW GOOD THEY KEPT THE CANDY OBSESSION - "you'd kill him? you'd kill him for me???" omg mia seriously WHAT IS UR DAMAGE - my precious boy L and his rainbow candies - this is all i wanted. quirky L dealing with the police - HE'S PRECIOUSSS - OOOOOHHHHHH BURNNNNNNN"CHILD WEILDING POWER HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND" - "now i'm rooting for this guy" THANK YOU RYUK, ME TOO - i'm in love i love L I'm rooting for him too - u gonna kill ur dad larry? - "i think you can tell when you're sitting across froma killer like kira" he says to his CLEARLY SOCIOPATHIC SON - mia U HAVE ISSUES WHYYYYYYYYY - r u serious - relationship issues now too - da fuq - how is mia EVEN WORSE OF A PERSON THAN LARRY - HOLY SHIT GIRL - THE ENTIRE DAMN TEAAAMMMMMM - omg larry it was MIA not ryuk - seriously are you serious are you saying it's ryuk are u FUCKING SHITTING ME NO - "just making sure you hadn't died" lmao thanks L for ur concern - "light turner is kira" okay then L, i mean i guess we had to make the conflict go fast but okay - "i don't do check, only checkmate" nice - "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MEEEEE" lmao larry you aren't light - "you're the one who flew into the sun, I'm just here to make sure you actually burn" I LOVE U, L - U NEED HIS FULL FUCKING NAME NOT JUST WATARI. FUCK YOU DID THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE THIS NOT READ THE DAMN MANGA - I'M SO ANGRY THIS IS SO POINTLESS - L IS SO SAD -MY BOY - BBY - HIS FRIEND IS GONE - lmao this got overdramatic real friggin fast - r u serious MIA IS A MUCH BETTER LIGHT THAN LARRY IS - LIKE THE ORPHANAGE WOULD JUST LEAVE THEIR INFO LYING AROUND???? - AND WHY HAS L NOT REALIZED WHERE LARRY WOULD SENT WATARI IT'S SO OBVIOUS - DA FUQ IS WRONG WITH THESE CHARACTERS - why is there cell reception in that place - why did that guy kill him THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS??? - WHY DID KNOWING WATARI'S FUCKIN NOT EVEN REAL NAME WORK - AND IT WAS POINTLESS - POINTLESS LOW QUALITY BADLY RESEARCHED WRITING - Larry u fuckin idiot you don't deserve to be Light and I need the plot twist to be that the death note was actually mia's all along - "you don't get to feel superior for being a pussy" omg mia - hot damn she killed everyone - HOLY SHIT SHE GONNA KILL HIMMMMMMM - HOLY SHIT - MIA - HOLY SHIT - HOLY SHIT - "now go get my goddamn book" HOLY SHIT - I LOVE THISSSSSSS IT'S WHAT I WANTED ALL ALONG - BADASS GIRL IS A BETTER LIGHT THAN LARRY FOR REAL - L MY PRECIOUS BABY I'M SORRY - ummmmmmm larry you could just burn the page urself u know??? - car chase & foot chase nice added unnecessary drama - Y U HIT L IN THE HEAD RANDOM MAN THAT'S NOT NICE - "NOW GIVE ME MY FUCKING BOOK OKAY" HOLY SHIT MIA - LMAO HE PUT HER NAME IN - LMAO TAKIN DOWN THE WHOLE FUCKIN FERRIS WHEEL - "I TAKE IT BACK" LMAO LARRY U CAN'T - RYUK WHAT THE FUQ - LMAO AND HIS HEART IS GONNA STOP AT MIDNIGHT WHILE HE'S HOLDING HER RIGHT - SUCKS FOR YOU MIA - oh oop no she falls instead - SHE REALLY LIKED THAT BOOK I GUESS??? - BYE KIDS - oh nice image with the flowers exploding - "innocence destroyed~" or w/e guys please she was already a crazy sociopathic monster - R U SERIOUS THE ONE PAGE - THE ONE PAGE WITH HIS NAME - FALLS PERFECTLY INTO THE FLAMES - FOR REAL - WHO IS MYSTERIOUS MAN????? - great yeah just put the death note on his chest and then the nurse can find it - why'd he magically wake up from a coma - why is no one responding to his increased vitals - YEAH U KILLED UR GIRLFRIEND WAY TO GO - i mean she sorta killed herself but - oh wait nope he actually killed her - wow - so that last bit of plotting almost earned you the right to be called Light, Larry - but not quite - anD WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF ENDING IS THAT??!?!?! - I HATE OPEN ENDINGS - LARRY IS ABOUT TO DIE RIGHT - I DECIDED IT. LARRY DIES. - EXCEPT THAT MAKES L A KILLER - BUT L'S CHARACTER HAS ALREADY CHANGED DRASTICALLY SO... - YEAH, LARRY DIES - i mean the other option is that his dad's like "wtf" and locks him up forever - but then American Ryuk just gives the Death Note to someone else and now that Kira is a thing they'll think it's up to them or something??? - who knows - whatever - i'm done with this weird ass convoluted mess. - well the beginning of the credits was cute at least, with the bloopers and the fun times

Okay this wasn't a complete waste of time but they absolutely lost me as an adaptation at the point where Larry was able to control Watari wITHOUT KNOWING HIS FULL DAMN NAME I MEAN COME ON THAT'S WHY HE'S CALLED WATARI. Also constantly screaming "THERE ARE SO MANY RULES" like hey maybe you should take the time to read them Larry wtf is wrong with you. L losing it was interesting but man I miss the calm, 5-steps-ahead-of-each-other cat and mouse of the actual Death Note. I think I'm gonna go watch that now.