#also i hate myself. complicated feelings or something idk

[nowjumpinthewater]

🥺 that's so sweet???

I'm VERY obsessed w my personal space & alone time, so if I wanna spend time & talk to you, you’re very special to me..

[girlivealwaysbean]

so tired of being a shitty bandaid for my parents' loneliness. like have u ever considered you passed your curse to me and some days i feel so lonely it's like i can't breathe around the emptiness in my chest????

[tricksteroftheheart]

sorry about the tetoposting it may or may not happen again. (its still happening)

[izukusjuicythighs]

bkdk fics i read because was it ever casual

Horikoshi keeps feeding us bkdk crumbs like wtf??at this point they HAVE to be canon bkdk hospital kiss confirmed I was izukus freckle ALSO IM KINDA IN A BLOCK RN whenever I finish a fic my yappin brain always has something to say but rn its real quiet so uh🤡

left me no choice(but to stay here forever)

summary: Izuku learns early on in life that the people he loves will always leave him.

So when Kacchan asks him to be his boyfriend, Izuku kisses him and starts grieving for the inevitable.

words: 6,925

chapters: 3/4(updating)

notes: im quite aware that its a bitchy move to inflict pain on ppl but jm gonna do it anyways lol READ THIS AND WEEP I literally wanted to gorge my heart out and then slap all of my love into izuku idk it evokes complicated feelings??normally hate reading unfinished fics BUT THIS!!gave me a life changing experience within 7000words dammit

be my good luck charm

summary: See, the thing is, Midoriya Izuku had been born with a curse. It’s not a curse that’s particularly visible. He doesn’t have horns, or a tortured face, and it’s not the kind of silly curse like a friend of his had way down south in Diagnor, wherein the girl had been born without the ability to say the word duck. Midoriya Izuku is just extremely unlucky.

(Or the AU in which Izuku's the world's unluckiest traveling merchant, and Katsuki is someone who may be able to help him. For a price, that is.)

words: 6785

chapters: 1/1

notes: cute lil oneshot for yall cuz mha fans r in dire need of fluff rn yknow why🤭 how to date a hottie101 by bkg: set ur crush on fire to show ur undying love(WRITE IT DOWN WRITE IT DOWN)

Barberries and Variegated Knotweeds

summary: The Fight Another Day Agreement is a required legal document for all professional heroes. In the event of a life-threatening injury and the hero and their proxies are unable to respond on their behalf, medical professionals may do whatever it takes to keep the hero alive.

For Izuku, whatever it takes means removing flowers from his lungs, forcing him to forget about the love of his life. The aftermath leaves Izuku bewildered at the sight of a man with spiky blond hair and red eyes the color of Japanese barberries.

words: 19,286

chapters: 4/4

notes: YET ANOTHER HANAHAKI FIC WITH IZUKU WHUMP I just love seeing my favs go through it🤠I've read so many hanahaki fics ud think I'd be used to it but NOPE THIS SHIT HAD ME ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT was ready to downgrade 1 dimension to solve this shitstorm myself

If It's You

summary: “You’ve gotta be fuckin’ kidding me,” Katsuki said. “You did not just ask me—me—to try and date your loser step-brother.”

He wasn’t even going to say Deku’s name out loud. Wasn’t giving him the time of day, even in a conversation about him. That weird awkward virgin was not worth his precious time, and certainly not what Kirishima was suggesting.

“But Bakugouuu,” Kirishima wailed, hanging off Katsuki’s arm with monster meathead jock strength. “My dad said I can’t date if Deku doesn’t date. Do you understand what that means?”

“Less chance of knocking someone up and creating more of you in the world?”

words: 16,863

chapters: 1/1

notes: 10 things I hate about you but make it bkdk I LOVE THIS SHIT angsty dramatic misunderstanding high school aus are my JAM also somewhat gives off from the sidelines vibes so if ur into that defo read

Down the Red Line

summary: His mom is the first person to know about it. She finds out when Izuku asks ( in a very cute three-year-old way) why can’t he see the red line that connected him to Kacchan in the last picture they've taken. The one where they were about to enter Kindergarten on their first day.

"Red line?"

"Yeah, Mamma. This," Little Izuku says, raising his pinky finger to show her the thing tied to it.

Izuku has been able to see the red strings of fate since birth. It's no surprise that his is connected to Katsuki.

words: 7,804

chapters: 1/1

notes: one of my absolute favs since 2021 MAKES ME SO FUKCIN MAD I have to put my phone down and contemplate life for a few mjns while reading it but it's so good??my red string is tied to thjs fic pls

[letteredlettered]

I remember reading a post from a while back you wrote about being an acerbic prickly person who at the same time was sensitive & would need to be with someone who could be gentle with you when you were like that and not be acerbic back. I think about it a lot because i feel i am that way too and it’s made me think more about my own issues in this area and also who is a good fit for me and i was wondering if you remember that post and know where it is. i often lately think about how grateful i am to have people who can be nice and gentle with me when i need it and realize i am not being prickly because i am mean or hate them but because of other complicated emotional things i probably don’t understand in the moment and i can say these days often , i know i am being prickly, you’re great, please be nice to me. anyway you might not remember but i couldn’t find the post so if you happen to know where it is i would like to read it again. if you don’t know what i am talking about you can delete this.

Anon, I looked for this and cannot find it. I vaguely remember the post, but I remember the sentiment 100%, because I am still very much this way.

Basically, I need to be around people who manage anger differently than I do. I get really angry and yell. If I'm annoyed or idk, tired, I snap. And I felt like maybe I only deserved people who yelled and snapped at me, because it's bad to yell and snap, and I think I'm bad for yelling and snapping, and I don't deserve better.

But it turns out, not everyone finds being yelled and snapped at the end of the world. It sucks, yes, but some people prefer it to other methods of dealing with anger: silent treatment, passive aggression, tears, gossip.

None of these behaviors are actually bad, or at least, they don't make you a bad person. If you need to be quiet because you're angry, that's fine. If you need to make some catty remarks instead of saying what you're angry about, that's fine. If you need to cry, that's fine. If you need to tell someone else your feelings before you tell your partner/friend, that's fine. And if you need to yell, it really can be okay for some people.

But none of these things are fine if that's all you do, if you never communicate about what upset you and work on fixing it. People talk about passive aggression like it's the worst thing in the world, but honestly it works better for me a lot of the time, because I can see that someone is upset; I can prepare for it; I can ask them what's up at a time that works for both of us. I don't get yelled at; horrible things aren't said. The only thing that's wrong with it is if they never tell me what the problem was--either because they lied when I asked, or I didn't ask because I didn't notice, and they just decided not to say anything.

I don't like yelling or snapping. I work really hard not to do it. But in the end, there's only so much about myself I can control. I've worked on my anger problems all my life; I can't decide I'm broken just because I can't change myself completely; I can't hate myself because I can't perfectly fix myself. What I can do is work as hard as possible, which involves trying to resolve anger in myself and trying not to hurt others with it, but also involves communicating clearly with those around me.

So, it's great to be able to say to others, "I know I'm being prickly right now." But I also take the time to a) try to understand why I'm being prickly, b) try to figure out what will make me not prickly. A lot of times I'm tired or stressed, and just time by myself, away from people, will help give me a calmer state of mind, preventing prickliness. But sometimes something about the person is bothering me, and I need to tell them, and instead of snapping at them, I need to have a clear and open conversation about it. But another step is c) acknowledging what might've been hurtful in my behavior, asking how the other person feels, explaining myself, and apologizing.

It does mean often making myself vulnerable, which can be a lot. But there are people whose world doesn't end when you snap at them, who have the understanding and empathy to see where you are coming from, and can forgive you. I'd just say that if you're never hearing about their feelings or dealing with their anger, there is probably some kind of problem there. I've been around people who I felt were just absorbing all of my anger and never talking about the way it made them feel or their own anger (despite my attempts to communicate), and imo, that's a toxic relationship. So, besides someone who expresses their anger in a different way, you also need a great communicator, and to work on communicating yourself, as much as possible.

Sounds like you're doing that, so I hope things work out for you <3

[our-queer-experience]

its interesting seeing ppl hate on transmasc lesbians/lesbians who are men when i kinda just. sit here

like im aroace. but also when i see a pretty man im a gay man. but when i see a pretty woman im a lesbian.

its not enough of importance to me to label it but ig id be something along the lines of "gaybian" but its interesting to watch ppl be so hateful when im literally just chilling. i dont even call myself a lesbian i just say im aroace. im still a man when i say im a lesbian too. i wouldnt even say that my "lesbianism" is "connected" to how i was before i transitioned. my attraction to women is just inherently queer so it feels incredibly wrong to call it straight. like in-system i have a wife. despite being a "binary*" trans man my attraction to her is still queer and its honestly annoying when ppl claim its straight bc its really not. its also t4t so theres that as well ig

like idk man its kinda stupid to police sexuality when its just as complicated and fluid as gender

*i just call myself a "binary" trans man bc its easier and more comfortable. in actuality im a fucked up creature that disguises myself as a human and has assumed the role of a man and is transitioning to become one bc thats as comfortable as i can get within this human skin

thank you for sharing!

[1427]

When the Levee Breaks (pt. 5)

Daryl Dixon x OFC

Story Summary: The one in which a stripper that used to know Merle and Daryl shows up at the Atlanta camp. Daryl’s feelings are complicated but mostly he hates her, right?

Chapt Setting: The Farm/Woods

Chapt Warnings: pretty explicit drug use (meth), season 2 Daryl, degrading/sexist language (he’s starting to get better lol), SOPHIA CHAPTER (I think that deserves a warning)

Word Count: 2.7k

A/N: Daryl’s POV story. Daryl’s starting to be less of a dick, trying really hard to make it feel organic/make it make sense in the story. Idk. This chapter was really rough to write because… it made me sad. Also have no idea if it even makes sense (the hallucination bit, really hope it does) lol ALSO; I looked up some timeline stuff and i just?? Really thought Daryl was out there for days on his own? But apparently he wasn’t? We’re just gonna say that he is in this story. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I can only do so much when the timeline of TWD is fucking stupid sometimes. (I mean it. Come for me. Idc. Rick was in a coma for 59 days without food or water???!?!!!? Bye)

masterlist

17+ mdni (no smut in this one tho sorry)

Like fiberglass in my veins, it tears through me. Mellow, at first, almost think I should rail more before I can feel myself sweatin’. Different kinda sweat, comin’ from my fuckin’ soul. 

Haven’t felt like I was doin’ something ‘wrong’ since I was little. That feeling that ch’ya get when you’re doin’ somethin’ ya know you’re not s’possed to. This ain’t the first time I done spazz, but maybe it’ll be the last. The anxiety about doin’ it goes away the second I feel the devil kick me through my nose to the back of my brain. Even though I know it’s comin’, it always feels like gettin’ skullfucked by satan. 

Been out here for a day. I brought Merle’s shit with me because I decided to finally get rid of it somewhere. But I got somethin’ that needs doin’. And anyway, I got years of experience with ice. Not doin’ it. Sometimes doin’ it. Never let Merle know, he’d’ve made some big whoop ‘bout it. And everytime he’d gone and done more than he remembered, he woulda blamed me. Shit though, sometimes it was. 

M’not like Merle and Beatle. Ain’t an addict. Can do shit and put it down. Always been able to put it down. Figured other people could too, that they just didn’t wanna. ‘m not sure, but still kinda think that. 

Never felt fuckin’ guilty about it before, though. Fuckin’ Beatle. I’unno if it’s cuz I’d be done with her if she did the same shit, or if it’s cuz I know if she knew that I was - she’d be mad at me. Mad I didn’t invite ‘er. 

But this shit ain’t for fuckin’ playtime. Only reason ‘m even doin’ it i’so I can find Sophia. So I can stay awake, focus, and get ‘er back. They use ta use this shit in war. War’s the reason methamphetamines even exist. Nazi’s? Hell, every single one of ‘em in WWII. Kamikazi’s loaded up, totally fuckin’ wasted outta their minds on crystal while they bolted ‘em in. Kept ‘em awake, kept ‘em happy, kept ‘em focused on the mission. Tha’s what I gotta do. 

I can’t stop lookin’ til I find ‘er. Sophia. ‘m the only one that can, only one that knows how. And anymore, ‘m the only one that seems to give a shit. ‘Sides Carol. And Beatle. She wanted ta come. Told her she’d only slow me down. Distract me. Drawn more geeks. She woulda. Told her I didn’t need food either but she packed me some anyway. Knew I wasn’t gonna be hungry. Knew I was gonna use this dumb shit to help. But whatever. 

Doesn’t matter what happens to me, right? My life’s not worth nothin’, not compared to that little girl. Now that her old man’s outta the picture she actually got a chance. Maybe not mucha one, not the way shit is these days. But she got ‘er mom. And ‘er mom can actually be ‘er mom now. Not scared of some piece’a shit prick that finally got what was comin’ to ‘im. 

Man fuck that guy.

The trail I’m followin’ disappears so I backtrack to the mangroves where I found her doll and try to find another one. 

I start to wonder what kinda old man Beatle had. What kinda mom? Startin’ ta realize I don’t know a damn thing about Beatle. I know she likes drinkin’, she likes laughin’, she likes fuckin’ with me. But… 

Beatle keeps surprisin’ me. Not just because she let me hump her face a few days ago, the fact that she liked it, shit I haven’t even had a second to process that. Nah, more cuz she hasn’t brought it up. Hasn’t tried to hold my hand again. Hasn’t been annoyin’ me nearly as much. Not even at all, if ‘m honest. 

My brain’s goin’ a million miles a fuckin’ second over Beatle and what happened between us. Not just the other night, but back then. Got questions that need answerin’ but she ain’t here. Try to keep myself occupied with trackin’ but it ain’t like trackin’ takes much thinkin’. Follow every trail I pick up, but none of ‘em lead me to Sophia. 

I’d prob’ly start gettin’ really frustrated about this, but that’s what crystals good for. All the dopamine I need, and nothin’s annoyin’. Focus.

✨🏹 

Bent branches, wilted leaves, mud impressions, walker guts. Trees and rocks and blood and mud and dirt and greens and browns and reds and blacks. And it’s dark and it’s light and it’s dark. And it smells fuckin’ rotten. Bent branches, wilted leaves, another trail, another dead end, another undead shithead. Bent branches, wilted leaves, mud impressions, Beatle. 

How many times did I go into Merle’s bag and take the devils dick up my nose? Cuz Beatle’s standin’ here right in front of me. ‘Cept she’s all done up in makeup and glitter and her pupils are the size of dimes. Little pink crop top, tiniest pair’a daisy dukes I ever seen. ‘n she’s in my face sayin’ the shit I been thinkin’ about her sayin’ since that day she said it. 

“I like you, Dar.” 

“You like bein’ fucked up more.” I say it like I said it the last time. 

“That’s not true! I mean - I like you, Daryl.” She steps closer, tries to put her hand on my cheek before I brush her off. She slumps back a little, turning away. “You like me, too. You said it.” 

My hearts in my fuckin’ throat and I’m standin’ there, this can’t be fuckin’ happening. I know is’not but doesn’t make it feel any less real. “Tha’ was before I really knew ya, Beatle.” 

Hate that I said that to ‘er. Did I really say that? Cuz maybe that’s how I felt. Hell, maybe that’s how I felt last week. But it ain’t fair. I don’t know her. Still. Now. Don’t know ‘er at all. Thought I did. Thought I understood what kinda girl did those kindsa things. Is that really what I said? Fuck.

She’s still turned away from me, but I walk the half circle around to look at her face. And she’s sobbing. Silently, trying to stay as still as possible. I… I don’t remember this part. Maybe I didn’t see it? Nah, I saw it. Just didn’t care. Didn’t wanna look at ‘er. Didn’t want to hear her lame ass confession. Especially after she’d brought up that I told ‘er I liked ‘er. She sniffles and wipes her face before she pulls a bubble pipe out of the waistband of her shorts and lights the bottom, starts smokin’ it. She asks if I want a hit, like last time. 

I go to say no, but the words don’t come out. Instead my hand reaches for it. I look back up and Beatle’s dressed all different. Baggy jeans and a bikini top. That night. Fuck. Shit. I don’t want to relive that night. 

“I promise, I won’t tell Merle.” She says, handing me her lighter. And I smoke it. Inhaling the vapor slowly like she had. “You gotta sip at it, like it’s a coffee and you’re drinking the air to see if it’s still too hot. Roll the bowl or it will burn.” I do it the way she says. She’s like ten years younger than me, but she looks at me - talks to me like it don’t matter. Like she don’t see it that way. Guess I don’t either, never really did. 

I’d never wanted to smoke it before. But that night I wanted to. With her. Woulda done anything she’d asked that night ‘fore she ruined it. I ruined it. Til it got all fucked up an’ it was never the same again. Not the way I saw her, not the way she looked at me. 

I’m goin’ through memories like they’re happening all over again. Feelin’ fuckin’ sick. I don’t wanna remember this. 

I hand the pipe back to her and she asks, “How do you feel?” 

“Fine.” 

“Just fine?” She smiles. 

“Good.” I clarify. 

“Good.” 

Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’t say it. “I think I like you, Beatle.” 

She laughs too hard, “you think?” I feel myself getting sicker and angry again all at once. 

I split in half. One half feelin’ those same feelings I felt. That this conceited fuckin’ bitch really acts like everyone likes her. I hear her words and it sounds like she’s sayin’ ‘well obviously’ - but the other halfa me hears it like a real question. Like she wanted ta know what I meant. I don’t remember how I responded then, but I can hear myself say it, “Self-obsessed cunt.” 

Beatle laughs, “Is that what you like about me?” 

My misunderstanding continues; Thought she was pickin’ on me. Makin’ funna me. All these years. All this time. Thought she was fuckin’ laughin’ at me. Never told a girl I liked her. Not that I never did like one, just never told ‘em. Not like some teenage fuckin’ confessional. And I do and what?  she just laughs.  

Shit. 

Cuz inside ‘m screaming. Screamin’ at myself ta say somethin’ different. To jus’ tell her. She’s special, she’s exciting, and when she smiles at the shit I say it makes me feel like I’m the only one in the fuckin’ world to her. Tha’s what she wants ta here. Tha’s why she’s askin’. 

“Nah. Forget it.” She nods, and I thought she did forget it.  She forgot until she brings it up again in the memory I already re-lived. 

Tha’s how I was so damn sure she didn’t give a single shit about if I liked her or not. Didn’t bring it up again for months. Didn’t give a single shit about me at all. Felt stupid for ever thinkin’ she might. Just a dumb crush on a dumb girl, and I forgot everything about it. An’ every little thing she did that made me like ‘er ended up as somethin’ else I hated.  And every time I saw her after that she was fucked up on somethin’. Meth or booze or weed. Usually all three. 

It comes at me like a fuckin’ freight train, her lips crashing into mine, but this time I want it. Don’t wanna stop kissin’ ‘er. Instead my arms move and I push her down to the ground. She’s wearing the crop top again, can tell she’d been cryin’. She’s layin’ there in the rocks lookin’ up at me and I flash back to the living room where this happened, where she’d told me she liked me back. I wanna beat the shit outta myself for makin’ her look like that. 

How didn’t I see it? 

I did see it. I just didn’t care. Thought I knew what kinda girl did those kinds’a things. 

Wonderin’ what kind of old man she had. What kinda boyfriends before she met me. How maybe she’s just as fuckin’ scared’a feelin’ stuff as I am. How maybe it took her months to even get up the courage to tell me after I’d told ‘er never mind and slowly started to hate her. How many’a those drinks were for courage? How many’a those hits were cuz she was nervous?

Shit. 

And she’s runnin’ away like she did then. Away from me an’ outta my life until a few weeks ago. I know it ain’t real but I run after her anyway. Screamin’ her name into the open air like maybe somehow I can change it if I can get her to come back. But she’s gone and ‘m still running tryin’ to find her. Screaming for her ‘til my throats hoarse. 

‘Til the walkers hear me. 

✨🏹

Andrea fuckin’ shot me. What is wrong with this fuckin’ group?

✨🏹

Beatle’s in the bedroom with me but I can’t look at ‘er. Don’t wanna. Feels like she knows what I was doin’ out in them woods without ‘er. Like she can see the dirty shit in my soul and for some reason it makes me ill. Can’t look at ‘er. Knowin’ I hurt ‘er like that all that time ago. Knowin’ it now like I ain’t ever known anything else. 

It’s just me ‘n her and she doesn’t try to talk to me. Just lets me lay there hatin’ myself for all of it. Didn’t even find Sophia. 

Spent a lot of my days in my life hatin’ myself. Thinkin’ I was good for nothin’. Now ‘m sure of it. 

I feel the bed move under the weight of her. She hugs herself around me, and like some pathetic kid I fuckin’ cry. Don’t know if she can tell or not but she tries comforting me anyway. “It’s okay, Dar. You did your best.” Her voice… how could I have ever thought it was annoying? Her bein’ so nice just makes me hate myself more. 

“Lea‘me alone, Beatle.” Shakin’ her arm out from around me. She gets off the bed and sits back in the chair she’d been in. God, I fuckin’ hate myself. Wanna scream No, come back. I didn’t mean it. 

Still got question’s that need answerin’. This time Beatles right here, and I ain’t got nothin’ to lose. “Why were you naked in Merle’s room?” Grateful that she’s sittin’ behind me. Don’t think I could talk to ‘er ‘bout this stuff if she was lookin’ at me. Right now? If I saw her face? Don’t think I could talk at all. 

She laughs. Fuck her stupid fuckin’ laugh. “I still can’t believe you think I fucked around with Merle.” 

“Why not? Y’all hung out every other day.” My voice is sharp, feels like she’s laughin’ at me again. Always feels like everyone’s laughin’ at me. 

“We all hung out every other day, Dar.” 

“Stop callin’ me tha’.” 

“I was carpet surfing. Your dumbass brother spilled all the schkag all over the damn place.” 

Oh…. But, “Ya didn’t have any clothes on.” 

“I never had any clothes on, Daryl. You sure I wasn’t just wearing something ‘slutty’? You know, like you always said I was? Cuz I don’t remember, but I’ve never been naked with Merle. Ever. Sounds fuckin’ gross.”

Oh. 

It made sense. Makes so much sense, ‘specially now. She keeps talkin’ an’ ‘m grateful cuz if I tried to say anything else I’d start fuckin’ cryin’ again. “I liked you, man. I…” she stops herself. Wanna beg her to keep goin’ but I can’t. 

Instead I ask ‘er the only question I got left, “Why’d ya leave, then? Ya left ‘n ya never came back.” 

She’s silent for a long time. “When you and Merle moved, where’d you go?” 

She did come back. 

“Why’d ya leave, Beatle?” Doesn’t matter where Merle and I went. She’s avoidin’ the question. 

“Got sober. After that night… with you. Wanted to get sober. Wanted to…” she don’t say the rest but she don’t need to. I got it. Fuck, my heart can’t take it. 

“Cuz I said ya liked gettin’ fucked up more than ya liked me.” It ain’t a question. I know. 

“Think it was more the other thing you said.” 

Tha’ was before I really knew ya, Beatle. I can still taste the words. “Shouldn’t’a said that to ya.” My voice is barely a whisper. 

She gets back up on the bed and puts her arm around me again, this time I don’t shake her away. Her voice, so close to my ear, “I didn’t want to tell you that I came back. I didn’t want you to know that I got sober for you.” 

What? “Why not?” 

“Wasn’t sure you’d care. And if you did… I didn’t want you to have all the what-ifs in your head that I have in mine.” 

She hugs herself into me so tight it’s hard to breathe, and she tells me, “It doesn’t matter anymore.” 

I feel guilty, can’t take any of that back. Can’t make any of it better. I don’t deserve this. Her. After all the nasty shit I ever thought about her. After what I did to her the other night. I can’t bring myself to tell her to leave cuz I know she wants to be here. Don’t wanna make her cry again. 

So I let her hold me. Even though I don’t fuckin’ deserve it. 

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

sorry before I go to bed I’m thinking bout the different ways Evangelion portrays csa.

asuka's (metaphorical) rape is done by a stranger. someone she doesn’t know. a literal monster. as someone who’s always prided herself on being able to fight, being able to always win, this shatters asuka, who feels such a thing makes her weak. she responds to her trauma by regressing, playing video games at her friends house and speaking to her like a young child, before shutting down entirely to the point of attempted suicide. she’s later sexually abused by shinji, taking his own trauma out on her, and while we don’t see as much of how that effects her, we see the tragedy of the cycles of abuse play out.

shinji's sexual abuse is done by a friend. he doesn’t realise it’s wrong, and misato thinks she’s helping, because he’s a boy and boys like that right? but misato not realising the harm of her actions do not make her any less harmful. there’s a lot of complicated feelings and emotions there, and it very much deals heavily with the complexities of abuse- not all abusers realise what they’re doing. not all abusers even have sexual intent (misato absolutely doesn’t see shinji in a romantic light at all, she's not attracted to him). not all victims hate their abusers, and not all victims fully realise how inappropriate their abusers actions are. yet, the abuse still has impacts- as seen with shinji's complete lack of sexual boundaries, to the point of assaulting asuka for a desperate sense of control. he recognises that it’s awful- it’s something familiar to him to a degree- but as a severely traumatised child, he lashes out and inflicts his own pain on others. which is not acceptable, obviously, but it’s tragic, and shows how abuse makes people worse.

and as for rei, she's abused by her own father. the signs are there, but they don't entirely click at first, and neither do they click to the adults who should be looking out for her. the sexual abuse she faces is overlooked even when it’s right under everyone’s noses. and when someone does put the dots together, they blame her for it. rei's abuse, like a lot of familial abuse, is either ignored or something she’s considered at fault for, despite being sheltered and groomed all her life, and, y’know, fourteen. rei's arc also focuses heavily on her conflicted feelings about her abuser, but in a different way to shinji. she, at first, idolises gendo. she's been groomed her whole life, and is incredibly isolated. what happens is normal to her, she doesn’t see it as wrong because she’s never been told it’s wrong. the idea of not having faith in gendo is alien to her. but as time goes on, she realises what happens isn’t special, it isn’t okay. by the time she dies and another version of her takes her place (the rei's share a soul, so they’re the same person even if rei iii can’t remember everything) she’s quietly furious at the idea of being a doll, and realises she can be more. when her abuser touches her, she literally tears off his hand. and she attains agency! that’s the final part of her storyline. she has agency, for the first time in her life. and she might have chose to listen to shinji on what to do, but she chose for the first time, it’s a massive step and honestly it really struck me as a beautiful ending to her character arc.

idk man. i just like how this mecha anime interrogates a sensitive subject from multiple angles and has genuinely suprisingly good depictions of even abuse that’s not recognised as abuse by most still. it’s nice! it’s refreshing. honestly, they committed to exploring abuse and never trying to apologise for it, and it’s fucking great. i'm personally not a csa victim, but i did go through sexual trauma at around the same ages of these characters, and i found myself relating a lot to their arcs around this due to that even if our experiences are pretty different. i felt aspects of how i dealt with things, especially in rei and shinji but to a degree asuka as well, and it made me feel more confident in myself. if shinji ikari can choose to live, so can I :)

[formula-ghost]

leaving my thoughts/opinions abt wildflower in your inbox cause tumblr hasn't let me comment on anything. (i'm gonna talk as if reader is a another character lol)

ps this is no hate to your writing or anything. it's basically just me commenting on their actions as if it was a tv show or smth.

in my very personal non biased oscar opinion, the reader is exaggerating. oscar may have lied but he didn't manipulate her and it was very obvious to her that he was hurting. they slept together out of both their consent and reader is putting the entire blame on him as if she didn't play a heavy heavy part. especially considering that lily was the one who broke up w oscar, reader made it seem like it was all his fault. lily was partially controlling imo and she wouldn't openly communicate with oscar until something got a little out of hand. she literally accused him of cheating like???? "Or maybe you were so used to Oscar’s lying and manipulation that you couldn’t imagine someone talking to you just for the sake of friendship." this pissed me off sm like why is reader so annoying (don't hate me lol) and then the whole her saying she wasn't good enough for oscar like yk damn well that's not what he meant lol. personally they both were in the wrong but the reader hates personal confrontation and put the ENTIRE thing on him like girl wtf.

anyways girl you ate so hard with this fic truly idk who to suport and be like omg you're so nice like every single person is sm in the wrong like help they need to really breathe and understand eachother but yeah i love this fic and your work and i love youuu. mwuah

I am so glad you sent this because I feel like you 100% got at what I was trying to do!

My whole goal with this fic was to create a story in which each character is simultaneously innocent and guilty. So yeah Oscar is not the best boyfriend to Lily but he doesn’t cheat and yes he does sort of use reader but also reader sort of uses him back. Lily is a horrible communicator but also has been third wheeled in her relationship for so long. Reader kind of has been the backup girl but she has also allowed it to happen and used Oscar in her own way.

I wanted to make this fic as realistic as possible in that way—just showing the complicated messiness of these situations as they happen in real life, rather than just leaning into the “good guy bad guy” trope by making Oscar/Lily awful while Lando/reader are perfect. I feel like that’s the undercurrent of the song Wildflower itself, too: the speaker/Billie is crushed by the weight of what she’s done but also grappling with asking what was so wrong about it in the first place.

Also you’re 100% right about the reader being another character. I used to do x OC fics when I was younger but people don’t like those as much as x readers, but it’s nearly impossible for me to actually write a blank slate reader :/ so they’re basically OCs with no name/face

Unfortunately, if you’re annoyed with reader, it may get worse before it gets better. Not to spoil anything but Lando is being a bit sus, and who’s the real manipulator here?

I want to put it out there too that I’m not offended at all if people don’t like one of my stories or characters and I welcome constructive criticism and feedback! I’ve been a writer for nearly 10 years now (there’s so much lore) so I have thick skin. Obviously be respectful (if you just send something that says “your story sucks kys” I will just delete it) but I welcome all discussion and opinions on my work.

But anyway I am so glad that you’re liking it tho! I lowkey feel like the chapter is flopping but it’s probably because I didn’t post at peak times (at least that’s what I’m telling myself so I don’t get sad lol) or it’s just my insecurities being mean. I can’t wait to keep writing it!

[stilljuststardust]

I’m a 15 years old girl and my parents are very homophobic

Today my mom made me sat down because she thinks that I wanna turn into a boy and she told me for my old sis to also come downstairs to talk about it cause they found it weird mind you they’re very religious

After my big sis came downstairs my mom started talking about how I act like a boy when I’m a girl also that God made me a girl so why would I try to change into a girl and also said that if I keep acting like this she would take all my electronics

And send me somewhere else where I won’t see her and my siblings ever again

I’m crying so much because I did everything to change myself to become normal like others straight but nothing works and I found out that I want to be a boy I tried everything like manifesting being a man nothing it working and circumstances keeps getting worse and worse till the point it making me depressed like maybe I’m stuck this way maybe I will never be a man

I’m so scared cause she said if I don’t change I will not have access to phone I’m having a bad breakdown rn idk what to do anymore I’m so lost

But part of me still believes I’m a man no matter what

Hello, before I give you LOA advice let's talk

You ARE a man. You are a man. You are a man.

You are a man no matter what.

You don't have to do anything to be a man. It's who you are deep down in the pit of your soul. You already are a man.

Not just in an LOA sense, I'm saying this from a non-manifesting perspective: you are not a girl.

You will never be a girl, you never were. Do you understand that? Who you are as a person is a man.

I'm like you.

It's ok to be a trans. Being trans is normal. Half my friends are trans, I'm trans. You aren't alone, you aren't the only one. There is nothing wrong with you.

Firstly I would like to say, always always always prioritize your safety and well-being.

I know it's easier said than done but the closet exists for a reason. It keeps us safe. Do not come out if it would put you in danger. You do not have to be out to be valid.

I hate that my advice is to fawn and pretend to be something you're not, but its safest sometimes.

It feels so far away now, but there will be a time when you are free to be who you are. You will find people who support you. You will find people who are like you. When I was in your place 18 felt so far away and unreachable, but it's not. Freedom will come. Please hold on.

Link to The Trevor project. (Councilors and hotline for queer people who are struggling mentally)

Loa

At the end there will be a handful of LOA posts I think you should read/you might be interested in + subliminals for you. The most important one in my opinion being the one I list first.

The law gets over complicated alot. At the end of the day it boils down to this.

An assumption, though false, if persisted in will harden into fact.

An assumption being something you accept as the truth without needing evidence and persistence meaning you assume regardless of what the 3D shows you.

Essentially, you decide you have your desire and you are stubborn in that decision.

It's ok to feel intense emotions, it's ok to be scared and hurt and frustrated, you just have to assume that no matter what the physical world shows you you are undeniably biologically male.

There is no more advice to give, there is only the law. Assume, affirm, persist.

The posts

How I manifested my dream life with extremely hard circumstances (blushydior)

If it's too long a read (seriously I think you should read the whole thing either way) here's the parts I thought would benefit you the most

What you need to know about loa

How to ignore the 3D

Nothing is true until you decide it is

It's ok to feel like shit

Loa checklist

Subliminals and affirmation tapes

Revise past negative events

Desired body

Mind over matter

It's done

Your desire is a fact

I keep getting results

If you need motivation

@loasuccessarchive

[idreamofcrackinglocks]

A little something for @saynomorefic music challenge, a bit late from me as I had a crazy busy week last week! This one is for LÄPPAR by the one and only Omar Rudburg <3 There was a draw in the results though so I should have another one coming soon :) five sentences? I do not know her.

I feel like I just write these two making out constantly, but I can’t bring myself to care enough to stop lol. Also relying on the English translation of the song here so apologies from google if the line I used isn’t even correct. Set in S2 somewhere maybe? Maybe a prelude to that rumoured shower scence idk the Simon in my head was just angry and wanted to make out.

--------

“I don’t want to fucking wake up, because you are still lingering in my sheets Wille, you’re still in my HEAD and in my fucking HEART and it hurts. . .you hurt me Wille.”

And god didn’t he sound so pathetic, he hated himself as the words left his mouth, stomach twisting with disgust at his own desperation.

Wille stared back at him, always fucking staring, Simon was sick of it, sick of trying to avoid his gaze that marked him like a brand, followed him around as he so badly tried not to look, not to touch, not to wish, not to want and not to feel the feelings that stubbornly refused to fucking leave.

“Stop looking at me. Stop trying to talk to me. Stop trying to make things better. You did this, YOU broke it, it’s not fair that you still get to make me feel like this!”

“Feel like what?” Wille tilts his head, eyes now darting over Simons face, the tiniest of creases in his brow.

Simon wants to scream, wants to cry, to go back in time, back to when everything wasn’t so hard and complicated. Instead he takes a step forward. Tilts his head up with defiance, eyes locking on Willes lips.

“Like this” he nothing short of slams his lips against Wille’s, drives his tongue into his mouth, licks his teeth before Willes tongue joins his, before he’s being kissed back just as aggressively. Simon huffs and shoves him back. Forcing him to fall onto the locker room bench behind him. Simon fists his hands in Wille’s shirt, tugging the fabric towards him as he lifts himself up and on to his lap. The months of frustrations and haunting memories rising out of him with a twist and a pull deep in his gut.

He pulls away with a wet smack, grabs Wille’s hair, registering the slight shock on his face mingled with that same old look of utter reverence before he latches on to his neck. Sucking dark angry spots into his stupid perfect skin. He wobbles precariously as his knees push down into the unforgiving bench causing Wille to grab his ass to secure him there. Pulling him in against him, grinding them together.

Simon bites, a gasp followed by a rumbly moan leaving Wille’s spit slick lips. The noise sends a jolt straight down Simons core, any last semblance of resistance or clear thought exiting him at the sound of Wille beneath him.

“Shower, now” he demands as he stands up, grabbing at his shirt again and pulling, dragging Wille towards the empty shower room.

[dootznbootz]

Hi!! I love your blog and I’m enjoying your Odypen headcanons and theories very much! I recently started reading the Iliad so I’m new to all this and I just want to know your opinion on smth. In song 1, lines 135-140 Agamemnon mentions the bride prizes of several Achaean leaders, including Odysseus. Obviously nothing else is mentioned, no name, just that he has one, too. What’s your take on that? Any headcanons? I honestly hate the whole cheating discourse around him and I don’t want to add more fuel to the fire because in the Odyssey he was clearly a victim!! I would just love to know what you think about this particular thing in the Iliad. Considering the historical and cultural context, having a bride prize was normal in war (albeit awful from our modern standpoint). But Odysseus is a very interesting and complicated character so this could go in many different ways with him, and in any case it doesn’t really change my opinion on his love for Penelope. Thank you! :)

Thank you so much!!! That's so kind! And I'm so happy you're reading the Iliad! I hope you enjoy it! I'm so happy you're enjoying my silly and I DO have many thoughts about it! :D

And very good that either way, it doesn't change your opinion on his love for Penelope. My opinion/interpretation regardless of those lines, that should ALWAYS be the interpretation that people have of Odysseus.

So idk if you've seen my Aspec OdyPen silliness yet and/or my "Odysseus is a half-eunich from the boar". BUT those are my headcanons. (which I can delve into further later)

but I'll go over the canon evidence now. :P

(disclaimer: Slavery is a fucked up thing regardless of the circumstances. this is in no way excusing any of it)

So IDK which translation you're reading, but as someone who's read multiple versions...Some just say "Prize", and with the "it" and "something". I...didn't really see it as a woman and/or specifically a concubine.

Let Achaeans give me another prize, equal in value, something I’ll enjoy. If not, then I’ll take a prize myself by force,                                   something from you or Ajax or Odysseus.

(Book 1, Johnston)

Let the Achaeans find me a prize in fair exchange to my liking, or I will come and take your own, or that of Ajax or of Ulysses; and he to whomsoever I may come shall rue my coming.

(Book 1, Butler)

But if they do not give me such a gift, then I will seize your own prize or Ajax’s or Odysseus’ and carry it away, angering whomever I visit.

(Book 1, Heumann)

So to ME, (I do not know what the actual words said mean) I take "Prize" of "something of equal value" and/or just a slave.

As yeah...My Odysseus is aspec (basically Pen-romantic/Pen-sexual), I kind of plan to WRITE it personally as a bit of a thing with "Grab one of Odysseus' slaves, he doesn't use them as concubines."

And with Odysseus being the one to transport Chryseis, I have it where it's a bit of "I'll go bring her to her father. Take any slave you wish from my tent if you must. I don't care."

Agamemnon dragged a swift ship down the shore, chose twenty sailors, loaded on the oxen, offerings for the god, and led on fair-cheeked Chryseis.          Shrewd Odysseus shipped on as leader. All aboard, they set off, carving a pathway through the sea.

(Book 1, Johnston)

(Also with Ajax and his girlfriend/bride prize, I think this kind of made him extremely worried. My Odysseus and Ajax have "special beef" even BEFORE the war but they are fine about it by the war. Odysseus not only doesn't have a concubine or slave woman he's attached to but he also was helping a bro out in a way lol.)

And Odysseus is a king and a piece of shit. It's horrible but it feels in character for my lil asshole to basically use pretty slaves in trading. "Hey, you like lighthaired girls, yeah? Well, you have that really pretty silver-studded sword...I want it. Would you like to exchange?"

I want to make it clear that I'm not writing like this or interpreting this in the way of "UwU Odysseus is too of a good boy for that." as that feels icky to try and "make everyone else shitty to make him 'better'". It's literally because Odysseus is just simply LIKE this. He has basically no libido/sex drive if Penelope isn't around. (I'm keeping this as safe for wormlings as I can so I'll leave it at that.)

An old wip post explains it more but I'll also put the wip itself here to kind of explain lol

My Odysseus is a "pretty boy" as he is in canon as well, and he hates when people make moves on him.

BUT these are just MY headcanons and/or what I plan to write, while I just don't really vibe with Odysseus being with folks willingly other than Penelope I have big gay for her. I live vicariously through Odysseus. I love her so much I can't stop others and other people COULD find evidence of Odysseus being with others if they truly wanted.

[peachviz]

I finally finished Voyager so you know what that means.

It’s a Voyager Wrap Up and notes party:

(Beware: hot takes ahead)

- I like and I hate this show. It was my slowest watch. I should have probably started with this instead of DS9 bc as you all know nothing can top DS9 and when you start out with the best meal nothing can compare. But tbh I don’t know if it would have made a difference.

- There’s a problem with this show that I’ve noticed that it’s a common problem within Star Trek as a whole. This one was just noticeable. There’s parts where they build up plots and characters and then half way through they just give up.

Kes was the biggest atrocity, they couldn’t figure out what to do with her so they give up on her and replace her with a new shiny toy. Won’t even get into the misogyny of the situation, we are all aware I don’t have to keep beating a dead horse. (Also aware of the hostile situation on set I’m not interested in that debate)

Chakotay is another example. He starts to lose lines and he kind of just floats. Tuvok is another big one. Because why tf did I have to sit through more Neelix focused episodes than Tuvok???????

Like the writers constantly do this but it’s so noticeable with this series. It’s like Patrick trying to open Sandy Cheeks’s door in SpongeBob and he just holds his hands over the door and goes, “Open Seasme!” The door doesn’t open and he shrugs and goes “Well, I’ve done all I can do.” That’s the writers of this show.

- while on the topic of Neelix. Here’s a hot take. What an incredibly pointless and annoying character. He made a lot of episodes unwatchable. Kes and Neelix have to be the worst poison I’ve ever ingested from Star Trek as a whole and I had to sit through TNG sexism and somehow this pairing was the worst. How incels feel about JarJar Binks is how I feel about Neelix. If you like him, great. If you don’t like him, let’s hug.

- there is something about this show that I feel they do better than DS9 and that is mental health episodes. It’s so subtle and there doesn’t have to be a lot of theatrics. While DS9 is good at portrayal, there are things that Voyager does with the Doctor, Seven, and even B’Elanna that I found the most relatable

- which btw B’Elanna is like super relatable it’s almost scary. I love Kira Nerys, she’s still my all time favorite, but I find myself gravitating to being like B’Elanna. I feel like she had the best character development besides Seven. Now granted, she can do some really selfish fucked up shit. Like the Doctor’s holofamily, etc, but I find her character refreshing. This show needed that.

- Seven of Nine. Idk what to say to make everything fit so here’s a lightning round. The cat suit is fucking annoying. We had to have Gene Roddenberry dying to get Deanna Troi in a real uniform and then we have the goodness of DS9 just to have the men be like “we need to bring back sexy” and then bring this wonderful character just to keep her in a cat suit. A suit, btw, that she doesn’t even want to be in bc in all her holo fantasies she’s either in a uniform, pants, or literally anything else. And don’t even get me started on Chakotay and Seven. What an odd paring with zero chemistry. It felt almost fatherly and then that shit happens bc they had to dispel the J/C shit and I think it was along the lines of Beltran getting tired of Chakotay being a “chump”. ??? Idk if that’s the exact quote but like boooooo that’s boring. It’s just ew no thanks.

- but seven is a wonderful character and if there weren’t so many men in the writing room then we could have had it all. Looking forward to seeing what Picard retcons

- Janeway is an amazing captain and I’m glad we have a complicated female captain but this goes along with my first topic. For the first four seasons, until she cuts her hair, there’s still too many cooks in the kitchen. You have her naked somehow multiple episodes per season until 4 (?) and then she has that dumbass governess holo program. Like by the time she has her hair cut, we could have just had all that from the start. Everyone say thank you Kate Mulgrew

- lastly, I’m glad that J/C didn’t become canon while they were away bc sometimes yearning is hotter than having. Kate Mulgrew stating that it was inappropriate for an office place romance bc young girls shouldn’t have to see (once again generalizing a quote) is totally valid. And tbh I feel like it would be a distraction to Janeway specifically

Idk in closing it’s an alright watch. It wasn’t really spectacular to me anyway. There were a lot of good parts, but I feel like it lost steam midway through season 6 and a lot of it was rocky. I could just be getting Star Trek fatigue.

Picard is next and then Prodigy. Probably won’t even go near Enterprise and I’ll be doing an actual rewatch of discovery to finish it. And another rewatch of lower decks bc now I’ll be able to understand it in total. So the Rankings below will exclude prodigy, ent, Picard, and discovery.

Current Series Ranking:

1) Deep Space Nine

2) Strange New Worlds

3) The Original Series

4) Lower Decks

5) Voyager

6) The Next Generation

Current Captain Ranking:

1) Sisko

2) Janeway

3) Pike

4) Kirk

5) Picard

6) Freeman

Anyway, I have two voyager edits to get off the ground and my notes app looks like the Bible so getting this footage is going to be super time consuming.

Now onto Picard

[proshippers-against-censorship]

I hate when anti's try to suggest better coping mechanisms: (tw mentions of, sh and suicide and possibly sa idk where the line goes from implied to mentioned, word "you" not aimed at anyone specific)

"get therapy" I've been in therapy once for something unrelated and constantly lied. I don't know why but lying feels like an instinct sometimes, it's something I'm trying my best to work on but my best bet on why I was doing it then is because seeing people worried about me makes me want to commit.

"listen to music" I do. It's a temporary distraction, and half the time not even that. I've hurt myself listening to music. It does not do shit to help.

"physical activity" I am very heavy on my feet so when I do stuff, and my parents work full time from home so if I try indoors I cause issues, and it's British autumn getting to winter so outdoors is not a reliable option, and even in summer it feels far too hot for me to function. Also the feeling of sweat makes me want to skin myself alive.

"meditate" I am autistic, anxious, possibly ADHD. You fucking expect me to clear my head. You fucking expect me to have a calm moment without starting to think about everything bad in my life and how it's all my fault.

"age regression" I do involuntarily and it doesn't help.

And more on getting therapy, that would involve telling my parents. Which would involve saying all the complicated and difficult stuff that makes me want to end myself out loud, I've told one friend and even then I had to send it to them through text even tho we were right next to eachother because saying it out loud feels impossible. And my parents won't let me text things to them if it can be said out loud.

Most coping mechanisms they suggest would need my parents help at some level to at least attempt

"Go on a walk" doesn't help, gives me more time to overthink.

"Talk to friends" I have one friend I feel close enough to discuss that with and I barely see them anymore so when I do see then the last thing I want to be doing is talking about something as serious as this.

"Gardening" British weather, very small garden, it's getting to autumn, it would raise too many questions from my parents, I don't know how to ask for stuff.

"Just distract yourself" you understand distractions are temporary. And the moment they go away it'll go back to how everything always is.

I just need them to understand I have something that for once I think has a chance of helping. Even if it is unhealthy it's far more healthy than cutting myself, imagining my own death or sitting on my windowsill and thinking about jumping.

.

[ruskatuskapuskasapuska]

being new to dmmd here, any fav characters or thoughts? (love the shitpost art btw ദ്ദി •⩊• ))

Mink and Noiz might be my faves (tho every guy from the main cast has something I love about them, tough choice :")). (Ended up rambling a bit, so that's below for anyone interested ;'))

I've been infatuated with Mink's design for years now, dreadlocks feel so rare/underrated ^p^ His route reminded me a lot of Madarame's (prolly my fave main guy from Slow Damage), love me some kidnappers (/hj, it's my guilty(?) pleasure in fiction) :"D tho I gotta admit both Mink and Madarame frustrate me a bit with their grumpy "urgghh you cannot understand my dark twisted minddd"-attitude (for lack of a better term) (but it's also kinda refreshing in a way, idk, complicated feelings on that) :^/

I didn't know much about Noiz before playing, only that he's the kind of character you either love or hate and I admit my opinion on him jumped around a lot during my playthrough :"D he's such a frustrating little shit-brat from time to time but that's also what made him so fun for me, very unpredictable and meme-able >:) Also something about his design tickles my fancy, I wanna achieve his level of confidence to rock such a stupid hat lol

Ironically I have the same problem with both of their routes: I like the bad ends way more than the good ends :'9 well, this actually applies for all the other routes as well, but I feel like Mink's and Noiz's good ends specifically kinda lose what made them interesting for me?

- Mink's good end has way too little of him and his design loses the dreadlocks TToTT the short scene at the end leaves too much to the imagination imo (I guess that's what re:connect is for but I haven't gotten myself to figure that out yet (I'd rather play it myself but it seems to be kind of a hassle)), I assume he's mellowed out which I can't be too disappointed by (it wouldn't be much of a good end if he was still as much of a malewife-beater I guess :"D).

- Noiz's good end also kinda messes up his design: all of that little shit-gremlin energy, poof, gone. Now he's a business man :( the hospital scene still kinda has his brattiness but the time skip loses too much of it IMO (again, don't know what re:connect does with him but :^P). (I mean yea it's nice character growth and whatnot but >:(((( he didn't need to be fixed THAT much!!) (Also "Gee Noiz! How come N+C lets you have 3 endings?" /ref)

Also also, Virus and Trip were fun, wish there were more scenes with them. I seem to love characters who do things based on shits and giggles (looking at you, Eiji from SD) :^)

(also also also, waah, happy to bring amusement with my shitposts! <3)

[my-castles-crumbling]

i think i might be neurodivergent?

okay so um today nothing was going right for me like i wasn't able to shower in the morning like i usually do so i was irritated and shit because i like, always do it in the mornings and i had a project to do but the formatting wasn't working and it was cold af and i was basically just irritated a lot and then my mom called me for lunch but i was trying to fix something so she called me a few times and that irritated both of us and my dad was well, he's the type to keep asking if i'm okay and if something happened when my mood seems off and while for some people that would be helpful it just pisses me off even more and he just kept smiling and joking and i find his jokes infuriating most of the time but when i'm mad it just frustrated me more and then i was distracted while eating, some food fell on my clothes so i went to wash it off and i had forgotten to refill my soap dispenser so i got even more annoyed because like what was i supposed to use and i basically snapped at my parents and i was just all around irritated and mad and then i had to sit in my room and calm myself down

it's not the first time this type of stuff happened. it's a frequent thing and um there are certain things i can't stand like when my nails accidentally scratch something rough i kinda just try to like get rid of that weird feeling in them by scratching other stuff and loud sounds are jarring (this was a new development which happened a couple of years ago) and there's like um food which i can't stand sometimes it's just because of the colour but a lot of times it's because of the texture as well. i remember a couple of months ago i was on an international flight and they gave us food like it was my country's but like it was all the stuff i didn't like and i hated it and stuff fell and i felt like crying out of sheer frustration at the situation because my mom kept insisting on it and there was just too much for the table thing and it was just overwhelming af. i've kinda suspected since then that i might be neurodivergent but i can't really get an official diagnosis because while my parents care more about mental health than like, most people in our country, they're still going to think that i'm connecting stuff which aren't related and i can't get a diagnosis from school or anything either because there's like a huge lack of privacy and it would get back to my parents also i don't really want it on my record and idk if they'll put it or not. um other stuff which people have pointed out is that a lot of times my right leg doesn't stay still like it's shaking especially when i'm nervous but that's normal and i also have problems studying without music and sitting at a table while studying (i have no idea if any of this is even relevant but apparently at least according to my parents i'm the only person they know who actually finds it helpful and therefore i'm doing it wrong) and i hyperfixate a lot and i get distracted very easily. i find pressure very soothing like um i've shd a few times like just scratching and sometimes even absentmindedly i kinda just apply pressure on it either with my fingertip or my nail and it weirdly kinda calms me and this isn't even when i'm stressed or anything.

i took an online autism test which isn't an official diagnosis i know and self diagnosis doesn't count either but i don't really have other options and i just need to sort of be able to explain all of this to myself at least

Hi <3

First of all, self-diagnosis can count...it's complicated because like...obviously there are people who self-diagnose EVERYTHING and that's frustrating. But there are also people who only have self diagnosis and that's valid.

Do you have a supportive adult you can talk to about this? Like a teacher, doctor, therapist? They might be able to help you start in the right direction of being evaluated, you know?