#also i feel like i get more stuff done when its on paper bc i can create checklist boxes and theyre so satisfying to tick off

[roses-and-elixir]

.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[redr0sewrites]

Kafka (HSR) Headcanons

REQS R STILL OPEN<3 KAFKA IS SO PRETTY OMFG I LOVE WOMEN AUUUGH

🥀CW: Smut in the nsfw part, bondage, marking, overall kinky stuff, non-sexual nudity mentioned in the sfw part

🥀 minors dni with the nsfw portion

SFW:

god i love women

kafka is often very busy, so i see her love language as words of affirmation

she loves flirting with you and whispering sweet things in your ear just to watch you get flustered

she can often be very touchy and flirty, however if it makes you uncomfortable she is shockingly good with boundaries and will simply give you space why would u say no tho

she loves having your head in her lap while she plays with your hair

she enjoys taking baths with you, esp after long or difficult missions

she will go all out, she will light candles, put rose petals and bubbles in the water, epson salt cuz its soothing, anything you like. there WILL be romantic music playing softly in the background, i said what i said

she likes to give you back massages and will give you small kisses on the back of your neck

she is VERY protective of you, i wouldnt say to a super controlling level but enough where she gets jealous pretty easily

she is actually so bad at dropping hints like she will flirt with anyone and anything but the second she caught feelings for u she had no idea what to do

she legit just teased u and made fun of u, you would probably think she hated you for awhile until you figured out that she was obsessed with u

have u seen her fit? yall def share a closet

her clothes are your clothes and vice versa

seeing you in her clothes sets something off in her i swear

this often leads to steamy makeout sessions and yk what else

SHE LOVES DOING YOUR MAKEUP AND HAIR SHE WOULD HELP YOU GET READY EVERY DAY IF SHE COULD

she will also let you do hers, but not super often since shes kinda busy sometimes and doesnt want to take forever getting ready

the type of person who can walk for hours and hours forEVER in super tall heels/platforms or "walk it off" after literally being beaten to near death in battle but will complain for days if she gets even the tiniest paper cut

likes giving back hugs

this is random but i feel like she eoukd enjoy puzzles and word games

YALL R THE TYPE TO GO ON FANCY DATES YALL R THE BIGGEST POWER COUPLE EVER

she always, ALWAYS pays for u, holds the door for u, she will hold ur shoes if they're bothering u/she will carry u if she can, LITERALLY A MIX BETWEEN GENTLEMAN AND MILF BEHAVIOR

she will prob introduce u to the other stellaron hunters if u dont already work w them

her friends r ur friends now

yall have self care dates where u get ur nails, hair, and skin care done and go to fancy spas or get massages im too broke to do this idk what people actually do at a spa

overall amazing and wonderful we ignore the fact that shes insane bc its hot

NSFW:

here we gooo

switch energy SWITCH ENERGY

when shes more subby shes still in control, i feel like she would def be a power bottom at least

really enjoys commanding you and ordering you around, gets off on your obedience and your disobedience

HAIR PULLER

she WILL wear a strap and use toys on you, putting a vibrator to your clit/cock while your tied down and watching you squirm and whimper, using leg spreaders to hold ur legs apart while she eats u out/sucks u off, paddles, rods/dildos, thrusting vibrators, she has it ALL

if u dont have stereotypically "female" genitals/or even if u do, she will peg u. there is no escaping it. she will overstimulate you and she will fuck u until ur begging for her to stop, thighs shaking, chest heaving, sobbing and pleading for a break

IDK IF I SAID THIS ALREADY BUT SHE WILL TIE U DOWN AND SHE WILL USE INTRICATE AND PRETTY DESIGNS AND ROPES TO DO SO

she very much enjoys riding ur face, seeing your face covered in her slick below her... godd ur gonna be up the whole night

exhibitionist (i am prob spelling this wrong💀) SHE LIKES PRESSING U UP AGAINST WINDOWS WHILE THERES PEOPLE OUTSIDE AND FUCKING U FROM BEHIND WITH HER STRAP

"oh? your upset about them seeing us? so what? dont worry your pretty little head about trivial things like that dolly, i'll take care of everything for you~" *proceeds to fuck u until ur babbling and no more worried are forming in ur head*

into sensory play as well

ur tied down and blindfolded and she will blot hot air against ur cunt/cock, run an ice cube up and down ur thighs, leave hickeys or kisses on ur thighs, trace a feather around ur chest and trail it down ur abdomen, just above where u want her, so close but so, so far...

perhaps she has a mommy kink, but it would take a little while to discover it 👀

wears lingerie on a regular basis and will strip in front of u at the end of the day leaving u in flustered in shock she loves seeing u all flushed and embarrassed omg

tease teas tease sOO UNFAIR

WILL TEASE U FOR DAYS ON END JUST TO GET U TO SUBMIT

OVERALL THE PERFECTEST AND HOTTEST LOVER U CAN EVER IMAGINE

hi guys cant believe i just wrote this anyways can u tell i have a preference LMFAOO shes just so cool <3 i might have a type *side eyes kindael, kafka, rosaria, and all the other pink/red associated women who r also fucking insane that i simp for* sorry i havent been super active lately, i prob wont be for a little while im going on vacation. however, reqs are still open i am BEGGING for reqs lmao😭 hope u enjoyed! lmk of any errors/gendering issues, hope u enjoyed

[allsketchesnononsense]

I SAW YOUR POST ABOUT THE PSYCHOPOMP HELMET AND I HAVE TO ASK HOW’D YOU MAKE IT??

i wanted to cosplay her at some point in the future but i’ve never tried my hand at prop making or anything of that matter really so i can’t wrap my head around any like basic concepts to make the psychopomp itself 😭😭

sorry for taking abit to answer, wanted to make sure I was at my PC to answer so I can give Exact Images n stuff of what I got/used

warning: you're gonna need some serious power tools for this. alotta bits I had to get help from my dad bc he has SO MANY hobbies that involve power tools lol

SO

For the base:

you need a good helmet. n finding one of those ain't easy, so you're probs gonna haveta Make Do with something you can cut parts off of.

I used something like this, but cut off the parts that jut out at the ears and the lip at the front. The internal bit that keeps your Actual Head from touching the Actual Helmet is VERY helpful bc (atleast w/ mine) it wasnt a layer of foam or anything that'd be finnicky, it was just straps.

theoretically could also use a cheap-y baseball helmet though obvi you still gotta Mutilate it

For the accessories™:

The antannae are actual extendable radio antannae I harvested from an old boombox n another thing, but you can buy JUST the antannae online

the megaphone/satellite dish bit my dad helped me cut n gut a car alarm type thing and attatch it w/ this silicone stuff he had on hand

And the headphone pieces on the sides are a set of vintage radio headphones I found at a thrift store. these to be exact (they're not v rare n go for 10-30 bucks on ebay)

Though any old, chunky headphones could easily work. These were just what I had on hand. And, as a useful thing, the metal prongs connecting to the headband were perfect to easily bolt in place on the helmet and keep them flexible for easy putting on and taking off. The little radio speaker-y bits on the outside I added my dad had laying around though obvi not 1000% Necessary

And that's all really for the easily bought supplies

The front plate is Literally just a chunk of sheet metal he happened to have on hand, and added the bolts to. The fifth bolt in the middle is the only Functional one that actually attatches to the helmet

And the bit keeping the wires in place is a piece of plastic we melted to shape, painted accordingly, then hot glued in place. Added the screws to make it look abit more Cohesive with the rest of it.

The staples specifically on mine are holes drilled then w/ v thin wire fed through and twisted and trimmed.

Some smaller seams n details I added with super glue since it gave a v subtle raised effect, and bc it cracked in shipping I had to super glue some of the cracks back together Anyways lmao

also had to do alot of spraypainting to get it the right color. Make sure to paint the "accessories" seperate before assembly bc trying to tape off everything could end up Annoying and that way the metal bolts and the plate can retain their orig metal color to add contrast.

Also make sure you get Matte paint, bc it'll look goofy shiny. Preferably something meant for outdoor use bc those will have the more gritty textures you're looking for n its easy to find.

For any extra scuffing n details I did some dry brushing w/ grey and black acrylic to add depth. Best way to do it imo is add some drybrush with a scrappy old paintbrush then wipe away some with a paper towel

or just use a paper towel with a v tiny, thinly spread bit of paint

Hopefully this helps atleast some!! If you need more detailed shots of my helmet for better reference just lemme know, I just dont feel like going to grab her rn for a photo shoot lmao

Good luck w/ your helmet!! n be sure to post it lots when you're done!!

It'll be sick as hell to see how your interpretation turns out!

just be careful bout wearing it too long

start seeing things you're not supposed to

knowing things you're not supposed to

[sopuu]

I would love to hear your thoughts on the symbolism and game design of omori

This is suchh an old ask im sorry it took me so long to get my thoughts tgt let alone write them down hh everything’s under the cut bc there’s a Lot and tysm for enabling me 🙏🏻

just a heads up I’m not gonna talk much about the characters themselves bc there’s already plenty of analysis out there for them- what I am gonna get to tho is the general game itself and a bit of the music. And bc OMORI is a game that covers heavy topics, please be aware of this before you continue reading!

So ofc I gotta start with the first place omori wakes up in — white space, just a simple rectangle on the floor with the essentials within arm’s reach, no responsibilities and no one to bother you. I LOVE minimalistic stuff like this- something so simple can can make you feel like you’re in both the most peaceful and uncanny place in the world. Also the black bulb being a symbol of repression, opposite of a lit bulb being a symbol of a new idea (thank you fandom wiki for this point) is just 👌🏻. And the fact that omori’s friends are right next door (literally called neighbour’s room) if he ever gets lonely shows how they’ve always been there for him, and in turn how much he depends on them.

I think the game does a wonderful job of depicting what escapism is like- Daydreaming of a world full of your own ocs, adventuring through it with your best friends and being the hero of the story where everything goes right for you. But of course this fantasy can’t hold forever as the real world starts to catch up, with stuff like Something appearing in places reminding omori of what happened, red space entrances throughout the story (the ones before the main red space debut as omori sits on the throne), and ofc the moment basil drops the photograph at the start. Side note, I like how Something always disappearing so quickly shows how desperate omori is to repress it, like quickly shoving problems under a rug. Or maybe im reading too much into it and it’s just to add to the creepy factor lol. Also this is one of the games that does mixed media SO well- combining digital 2d art with real life materials like sketching and scanning the animations, clay models for Somethings, real life photos drawn over and filtered etc, it really suits the theme of having to balance the fictional world and the real world if that makes sense. Also the way some scenes deliberately leave in the crumpled paper texture!! Especially for messages about not friends giving up on each other-- its almost like those were thrown away in the trash and picked back up again. Quite the parallel to how sunny locked himself away for four years due to depression and guilt for what he’s done, thinking his friends would never forgive him, then eventually finally coming out of his house and giving himself a chance with reconnecting with them.

Ok here’s where the heavier themes come in so please please stop reading if you’re not comfortable with them! [tw: suicide (or at least implications of it)]

game design time! i absolutely love it when games use the game mechanics themselves to be a part of storytelling- and this game does it with the stab function. I actually got to know this game through watching playthroughs, and at the first forced transition usually people do whatever they can think of to avoid having to press the button, before very reluctantly realising that they don’t have a choice. As the game goes on, players start getting more and more familiar with it, using it to get back to the real world or bc of forced resets and so on. Before long this basically becomes routine and players get so used to it that they don’t even hesitate to press it anymore. After all, nothing bad actually happens, right..? This mechanic gets used so much more in black space, but this time it’s very prominently presented as an escape route, something to get out of stressful situations, something that helps. you might even be relieved to see that option be available to you. And I think that’s terrifying— considering that this is a representation of how.. unpleasant thoughts can go from being unfathomable to something that feels like a natural/normal occurrence. i don’t think I’ve seen any other game that captures this kind of thought process(? there’s probably a better term for this) to the level that OMORI does and im so so glad that the devs are bringing these mental health topics to light.

I’d also love to talk about black space but I think this post does it better than I ever could haha, also black space 2 I love you sm im a sucker for out-of-bounds-but-not-really type of areas (yknow like Undertale’s fun value rooms and test rooms), it’s like hitting the jackpot for easter eggs and subtle lore aughh <3

And I can’t talk about OMORI without talking about the music!! I think we can all agree that Duet KILLS. the high notes as the happiest scenes show on screen………the way the piano is the one that starts the song off and it ends with only the violin……… my emotions man. what if I started crying!!!!! (i did)

Clean Slate is one of my top songs- there’s so much emotion in this and it’s the epitome of acceptance and letting go of guilt while also giving the feeling that you’re in a hospital (ig that’s kinda the point but for such a short song to pinpoint a feeling AND setting so accurately is so grragjgh….)

Other big favs are It Means Everything, Chaos Assembly, Tee-Hee Time, Puddles, Snow Forest and Dear Little Brother :) and actually a lot of others as well but id be listing half the soundtrack and more if I go on

In conclusion OMORI is such a well designed game, I love it and its messages sm it means a lot to me personally, and writing this made me feel like im back in English class again

[3416]

what 1634 fics do you want to see. im not gonna write them im just curious

hello anon......... there are far too many i want to see in this world (literally any at all tbh) but conceptually i have rambled in private about a couple that i really want so buckle up... here are some cliche concepts but idc:

okay my ultimate dream fic is like a 50k fic canon compliant to this point like a decade into the future where auston's been forced to retire a few years earlier bc of a career ending knee injury and never wins the cup and basically. retreats back to az and has to cope with that and gets a Lot of distance from the team/hockey media yada yada. mitch keeps playing hockey but the leafs never win the cup and mitch never feels as fulfilled as he thinks he should be. he never has kids (could go into things here....)... separates w steph.... is on the verge of retiring himself...... the catalyst for him showing up in arizona could be a lot of random things (abt to sign divorce papers... announcing his own retirement soon... also had a whole concept of one of their dads passing away but.) but cue the reunion with someone who you built your whole younger self and younger dreams around and having to relearn the person they've become now. mitch escaping the only place he's ever really called home to really try to feel fully comfortable with himself for the first time vs auston seeing the merging of his old life and his new reality................. i mean. that's the dream. idk. post hockey life crisis with people you can't help but love forever tbh. i have rambled about variations of this one for hours before.

i'm also dying for an auston pornstar fic with a clueless like. business bro mitch or smth. everyone has done the cam boy mitch stuff thanks to his streaming but what about auston... what about these pictures... it's giving casting couch....... i don't really care about the plot necessarily... could go w mitch and auston sleeping together n then befriending each other but NOT sleeping together again for a while. could just straight up do pwp, idk, but auston's whole sleaze ball vibe sometimes.. and the mustache..... we deserve pornstar auston.

also desperate for some magical realism au where one of them makes a deal with the devil to get the team a stanley cup but it goes HORRIBLY awry bc things are never what they seem when you're making deals like that. don't have the details ironed out enough in my head to give a real plan here without sounding stupid but i want the angst and pain and realizing their priorities might not be The Ultimate Hockey Goal like they've always thought.

i've also thought about a lot about a more pwp fic where mitch and auston have this calculated shared ritual of like. getting the new guys on the team/new lineys off to ~help the chemistry~. the whole oh it's just bros thing, but mitch and auston tackling it as a team, one whispering in the ear.. one sinking to his knees... a biiit skeezy bc some of these guys would never in a million years wanna sleep with guys but they pose it like it's gonna help the team and it's just smth they do... don't you wanna feel powerful and see cocky number one goal scorer in the league am34 on his knees for you, random newcomer (haha) 4th liner???

also. thought about another magical realism fic where auston and mitch are at mitch's lakehouse high as fuck and accidentally have a wishbaby bc they're TRYING to manifest success for the team and wish on a star with the wrong wording.... also had a batshit au planned vaguely based on the hangover for mitch's bachelor party which COULD involve vgk crossover since i would set it in vegas for the vibes but.

also had an f1 fic idea where mitch was a driver and auston was one his mechanics. there was way more to this one, but realistically i'd take anything with that as a concept. mitch's life being in auston's hands to some degree and auston taking it Very seriously. also mitch treating his wins like its this shared thing and. auston is just one of tens of people who work on his car but thats his fucking GUY!! imagining mitch getting on the podium n trying to jump at the barriers to get to auston and his whole team.......... pls. also had bunts as one of the guys who changes the wheels and picturing the team letting bunts run the some of the socials. they would be fucking off in that garage BIG TIME filming themselves doing stupid silly shit in all the downtime. also. thinking abt the element of having a Secret relationship or situationship in a setting SO public like f1...... could prob turn that one into a multimedia au somehow, ANYWYA---

i've thought abt so many more too lol. this is what i let myself sit here and spew for the hour but. i'm always down to talk about more or if other ppl have ideas and need to flesh them out. i love to yap abt these men.

[sapphosdickandballs]

heyyyy!!! i saw that you changed ur theme. just wanted to first of all say i loveeeee that shade of green omg. its so cool.

anyway also that ask you sent about reading kiss her once for me- ahhh. im stoked ur reading it!! ellie is such a loser and yeah. i need a jane su/jack (i forget her last name atm whoops) in my life. mostly jane aughhhh... sorry im noooot here to gush abt ols HOWEVER. i get it. 100%. idk i just like- loved them. they were cute and ughhh.

u got any updates w reading???

i just got done reading delilah green doesnt care and tbh. its not a rec from me. im gonna keep my thoughts to a minimum but it felt very bland and like a whole nothing burger with such a... paper thin character veil. i didnt care about the cast at all???? especially not the ship. i did like iris and astrid but damn it just was low key boring??? the sex scenes werent even hot 👎. like okay so not gonna rip on it TOO hard but it's got a cute cover but i didnt find it to be rec worthy nor is it even comparable to any of my other favs. it was mindless, but executed in a way that felt underwhelming. like a different book i read- mistakes were made. which is by an author you recommended a book from. thats a whole nother argument i had formed but that one wasn't good either 😭. sorry but that one suffered from the opposite problem of too much sex and the plot just WASNT compelling. also the characters were awful?? at least the daughter. i hate that she was written as some spoiled child when she was legitimatly a college student. anyway NOT recs. but im indeed interested in giving both of their other books a try??

anyway i really REALLY want to try this one eventually. it looks really good but my libby doesnt have ittttt :(

uhhh another thing is-

i ask of you now- to make a decision on which i start first since you recommended them both to me in that long ask. (thats mainly why im sending this lol i could go either way but would like ur silly input on to choose which path to take first.)

as for the ask you sent earlierrrrr- i might dm u later w a bunch of rambles bc im not gonna publicly ramble in case they ever find this acc but watch out!! i can yap. :3

anyway thats all!!

Oh that sucks about Delilah green doesn’t care. I think that was on my list but I hadn’t started it yet. But I trust your judgment so I’ll prolly take it off

By an author I recced or one of the books I recced? Just curiosu. If it’s an author I recced I’ll make a mental note not to read any more of them

I’ve read til the point they arrived at the mansion and she met boozy in kiss her once for me I’m easily distracted but I will read more soon! I have a bunch of stuff I have to do for uni so it might be a sec. But I will read more I do really like it

ughhhhh the falling in love montage is so. Aughhhh. I love that book. It sucks your library doesn’t have it I read it on Libby so that’s weird. I wish you luck in finding it tho it’s so good

Oh this is hard okay. So something to talk about is very angsty? Like I read it and was yelling at the characters the whole time to stop being stupid. But if you relate to feeling like a predatory lesbian (I do 🙌) then this book will hit. I ultimately really liked it and thought the angst and buildup was worth it

I also really like never ever getting back together it’s pretty fluffy and cute and makes fun of the bachelor type shows which I thoroughly enjoyed cause I watch those shows (guilty pleasure) and it’s dual perspective which I always be eating up. One of the main characters acts like an idiot for a while but then it gets really cute. And it’s not too sex heavy afaik. Neither is something to talk about except for the very ending

Both are good I can’t really recommend you one over the other, so I will just say are you in a more angsty mood or a more fluffy mood

That’s fine lmao that’s why I added the disclaimer of answer in an ask or a dm. I just hate saying you can dm me cause liek. The implications

[vacantgodling]

yeah so i basically just started answering questions from this ask game to get to learn n & bibi better. i'll post bibi's when i finish his lol but this took forever ngl. i didn't answer any questions that i didn't feel like answering (so a lot of stuff regarding memories or backstory bc idk yet and i didn't feel like thinking of something on the fly). anyway tho,

getting to know nathali "n" blackburn:

describe your character’s voice.

n’s voice is slightly higher pitched but is somewhat androgynous? he’s a trans man whos done some pretty extensive voice training but because before he transitioned he had a very high pitched, girly voice (he hated it so much) so he wasn’t really able to get his voice down to a super deep register. he’s very well spoken and anunciated, especially since he does have some tv-reporting training (though he really hates being in front of cameras). 

2. is your character an indoor or outdoor person?

both actually! as long as he has something to occupy him n doesn’t really care where he is. he enjoys hiking, nature walks and bird watching but he also really likes reading and board games.

3. what’s your character’s favorite recreational activity?

of all the things n likes to do, his favorite activity would proooobably be hiking. its nice for him to get away from the city for awhile and just be alone from all the buzz of activity. he’s always on, waiting to hear something that can spark a story or a research binge, bc he usually mans the political and world events columns at the paper he works at and he’s DEFINITELY a workaholic. being in nature means no people and no people means no worrying about work lol.

4. what was your character’s dream job as a kid? is it different than what their career ended up being?

n didn’t really have much of a dream job when he was younger. in fact, he sort of stumbled into journalism by trying out many, many different majors when he was in college and this was the only one that stuck (and was the last one he tried lol). he didn’t really have any particular aspirations until he got into journalism and really realized how important telling the truth and debunking misinformation was and he became extremely passionate about it. college is really what helped shaped his worldview tbh lol.

5. what is the thing your oc likes the least about themselves?

some small gripes he has are things my fellow trans men/mascs can relate to is 1. his height 2. his voice. his voice peeves him more because especially when he’s frustrated or upset or uncomfortable it pitches higher which is no bueno for him. when it comes to personality and morality related gripes, he hates his tunnel-vision it can really mess him up. he’s also extremely stubborn to the point of ridiculousness- like he gets so bull-headed when he feels he’s right about something and doesn’t really like to hear otherwise. he can get very argumentative and it does bother him because its such a natural instinct for him to get defensive and argumentative. 

6. what is the thing your oc likes the most about themselves?

his mental fortitude. he’s never let anyone tell him who he could and couldn’t be, what he could and couldn’t do, and what he was or wasn’t capable of. he considers himself to be a very strong person in that regard.

7. what book genre is their favorite?

when he reads books for fun, he likes books that make him question his entire worldview. because even when he’s not working he can’t give himself a break lol. so super into allegorical stories and the like. 

8. what book genre is their least favorite?

he’s not a super big fan of fantasy (sacreligious tbh) but its because he usually has a hard time following what’s going on. he’s not the best multitasker, so stories where he has to learn about the setting and the characters and the rules of what’s happening just tire him LMAO.

9. what kind of music do they enjoy?

n isn’t a huge music person, its just mostly a background thing for him. he usually just listens to jazz or classical music while he works or does other things lol.

10. has your oc ever fallen in love and with whom?

oof the only person n’s ever been in love with is beau. literally all of his romantic pursuits when he was younger went nowhere and throughout college and starting his career he’s just been much more focused on those things than trying to cultivate a relationship. not that people haven’t confessed or had crushes on him, he just doesn’t have time for them looool. however, i would say that n didn’t really fall in love with bibi he grew to love him. catching feelings wasn’t intentional at all. and a lot of it does have to do with proximity and the fact that bibi likes him how he is. he’s never had a relationship or anyone respect him for his beliefs and who he is, so points for the vampire boy lol.

11. how well did your oc do in school?

extremely well. he was valedictorian in both high school and college lol.

12. where would your oc like to go on a honeymoon?

oof convincing n to take a vacation is a task and i’d like to wish you luck. however, i think if he could be convinced (which he will be lol) he’d probably like to go somewhere with a lot of history. even when not working he’s a nerd at heart lol.

13. who is your oc’s best friend?

HIS MOM lol. i don’t know too much about her yet (like her name? no idea). but it was a situation where she had n pretty young and they were pretty close throughout him growing up. even now, he doesn’t really view her as much of a parent more like an elder sibling — which makes sense since his grandparents mostly raised him alongside her and he didn’t find out that she was actually his mother until he was about 15-16 years old. it was pretty weird, however, they haven’t let it affect their relationship at all. she’s super supportive of everything that he does and always has his back (though always reminds him to be careful and not push himself too much). 

14. how does your oc feel about their parents?

well, n mostly considers his grandparents his actual “parents” since they were the ones who raised him. he has mixed feelings about them. they raised him well and he wanted for nothing but they are quite conservative and he doesn’t agree with their views on a lot of things. they also don’t agree with his “lifestyle” in being trans, however, he really doesn’t give a shit about their opinions lol.

15. how does your oc feel about their siblings?

n’s an only child.

16. hobbies your oc enjoys?

n enjoys in no particular order: hiking, reading, board games, puzzles, bird watching, gaining knowledge (so like watching documentaries, reading articles and doing research in general he’s such a fucking nerd) and he used to like dancing when he was very young. he doesn’t dance much anymore now but its a bit nostalgic for him to think about and he always tells himself he’ll get back into it again (he never can make time for it though lol).

17. what are your ocs biggest flaws & biggest strengths?

n is really good at sticking to his guns and his morals however, that can also be his biggest flaw because it leads him into situations where his morals aren’t the best option. wanting peace and neutrality and seeking to create the path of least resistance— that the truth will somehow pave the way—when sometimes you have to do things you don’t want in the name of creating positive change is a huge theme of dead rites in general. and while i wouldn’t call n a complacent person or character, he does let his moral compass fuck him over sometimes. 

18. how does your oc handle the death of someone they know?

not well. n doesn’t really handle extreme emotions well, they tend to overwhelm him and he prefers to defer to logic as a safety mechanism. if he can logic his way out of a situation then he doesn’t have to deal with the emotions around it. however, there's no way to not feel things when you’re sad or upset or grieving especially. so he just handles it very messily to put it mildly lol.

19. favorite food and color?

n really loves a good stew or curry. anything he can kind of dump into a crockpot and come back home to lol. favorite color is brown!

20. least favorite food and color?

really isn’t the biggest fan of fruits, they make his teeth cold and he doesn’t like that lol. he’s really a warm foods and warm flavors person. he doesn’t really care enough about any particular color to dislike any enough to mention.

21. zodiac sign?

sagittarius!

22. is your oc a dog or cat person?

n doesn’t really care for pets just because he doesn’t really have time to devote to them, but he would probably be more of a dog person. they can be trained and can be multipurposed (they can be protectors and save lives etc etc) and are devoted and energetic just like him lol.

23. when was your ocs first kiss?

it was something forgettable at a middle school dance. honestly, n remembers more how uncomfortable he was wearing a dress than the actual person or kiss itself LOL.

24. does your oc wish to be married someday?

i don’t think n would be against it but he also doesn’t really see the point of it? he’s a man married to his work and his vision, so he kind of doesn’t see the point of stopping all of the things he wants to do to tie the knot in some kind of unnecessary ceremony with a shit ton of paperwork. just being with whatever person he cares about is what matters to him lol.

[sohmiya]

Because i have brainrot and i promised something a lot less angsty. i'm sorry for sending more than one long ask today asdfghjkl

Rigghtt, so y'know when Max and Ev get over that huge argument I imagine Ev going over to Max's place, knocking on the door and when she answers they're standing there smiling at each and Max asks "are you going to come in?" and Evren shakes his head and goes "uh, I don't trust the two of us alone together in a space that isn't a studio. do you fancy a walk though?" "where?" "the store, for stuff for a charcuterie board."

And they're walking down the street together side by side, and the silence actually isn't awkward, it's like comforting and it'd probably remind the two of them how well they get each other and then Max would go, "are we going to do this small talk thing?" "god, no. we're terrible at that. we can skip to the honest shit" "like what?" and Evren would be all confident and cocky and say, "am I still your person?" and Max would roll her eyes all like "you're still fucking hung up about that" "it's the nicest thing you've said about me" "hey! I can be nice regularly!" "yeah...sure, i believe you(!)"

And then they're in the store together and Evren's carrying the basket, and Maxine's putting stuff in it, and a couple-that-aren't-a-couple shouldn't look so good grocery shopping...but they do, and then Max goes "I listened to your most recent song" and Ev would laugh and go "that's cute, you're keeping tabs on me" "well I'm going to when you're writing songs about me...you mentioned a woman with red hair" and Evren would be all "there are lots of women with red hair" and Max would smirk and say "you sang about her being in a band too" and Evren's pretty much caught out bc ofc its about her and he just ends up not responding.

When they're done shopping I imagine that they have a mini argument about who's going to pay bc I see Evren wanting to pay, but Maxine wanting to as well so they like play rock, paper, scissors to come up with a solution.

I feel like their walk back to Max's would be even more comfortable than their walk before, and then Evren's handing Max the bag when they get to her door and Max would say "I can't eat all this by myself" "share it with your band then" "...me inviting you in is me trying to be nice, evren" and I think he'd really debate it before going "look, i missed you and wanted to spend time with you and i've done that. so i'm good" bc he's still sorta in love, and Max is still probably scared about any prospect of them actually being together. but Max is in his life so having her in some capacity is better than not having her at all, and then he'd smile, and take a step back and go "feel free to text if you write anymore bangers about me though, babe"

i know this was supposed to be fluffy and happy but this made me feel bittersweet at BEST like your previous hc was too sad 😭✋🏼❤️‍🩹

but SCREAM evren finally taking maxine to shop for charcuterie <33333 imagine them walking around the store and checking things out then max goes “is there anything you like? like idk, your favorite cheese or whatever?” and ev just shrugs like “whatever” so max goes “don’t you have those at rich people parties?” “i mean yeah. but cheese is cheese” LMAOOO

"are we going to do this small talk thing?" "god, no. we're terrible at that. we can skip to the honest shit" "like what?" and Evren would be all confident and cocky and say, "am I still your person?"

smiling through the tears………. in another life they wouldn’t be joking about that 🕳️🚶🏻‍♀️

but also maxine relentlessly teasing evren for writing a song about her and evren ending up not responding….. maxine out here making it hard for him to move on like girl if you don’t shut the fuck up

OH and if evren wins rock paper scissors and ends up paying max will buy a bottle of wine to go with the charcuterie board but if she wins she’ll just go “ha. loser” 😭

"look, i missed you and wanted to spend time with you and i've done that. so i'm good"

you calling this hc “a lot less angsty” vs this line singlehandedly breaking my heart all over again

i don’t have maxine’s self-control like if i were her i would’ve asked evren out right then and there 😭

BUT OMG ok so when max and ev have both moved on and healed their hearts, imagine evren suddenly releasing a song about a dancer who’s good at ballet JDNDJDJS maxine would be sooo nosy about it and immediately call him like “TELL ME EVERYTHING” ugh the miko creator in me is like 🥹 but my max x ev heart is all 🥲

[ablednt]

hey this is probably a v common ask but if i were a system, how would i know for sure? im already autistic, and i suspect i might be plural bc my parents tell me abt what my friends say is a "horrifying and traumatic" childhood that i dont remember experiencing, they tell me abt conversations i dont remember having with them, i end up on places i dont remember walking to and i am congratulated on achievements that i dont remember doing or punished for things i know i wouldnt have done. i sometimes feel like i am in a fishbowl being carried around by someone else, or like im between radio channels hearing both at once and tgey respond sometimes and i thought they were just thoughts, like that was a normal way people thought but people i ask say its not normal. im sorry for tge length of this message im just not sure qhats going on with me

Oh you're so valid

At this point I'm going to go ahead and say that if you do feel plural or more apt if you feel like interacting with the plural community and identifying as plural will help you then you should go ahead and do it. Personally the fact that you're responding to your thoughts like that seems pretty inherently on the plural spectrum to me.

With the memory loss and dissociation I'd suggest doing some research into DID. If you don't feel comfortable diagnosing yourself with it that's perfectly fine but you should be able to find resources that can help you.

Here are some activities that can help get you started in the questioning/syscovery process

Try and get in touch with anyone in your brain. Find a quiet spot you can just think without too many distractions (you can do it other times but it's going to be much harder) and ask "is anyone there?" or introduce yourself or something. Because it's very likely your system mates are just as confused about all of this as you are, you might ask and get back an answer like "No one's here" or "I'm not real" or "I don't know" and if you get that it means there is someone there but they are very confused themselves. If nothing happens that also doesn't mean you're definitely singlet it's also possible no one is up front when you're asking.

If you have places that you imagine clearly when you picture the inside of your mind it's possible that you have a headspace. Something the sometimes works is trying to go there. What I did was meditated one night and told "wait til a house shows up" which was oddly specific anyway it sort of worked but I found out that I'm not able to see or move anything when I'm fully "in" headspace so it was mostly just disorienting I found out that I can physically hear stuff from there if I'm disconnected from front enough (really I have to be on the verge of falling asleep) but it's just as valid if it's solely a place you're imagining rather than giving you any clear senses, you can kind of tell whether it's you completely making everything up or if others are there/it's a metaphorical space because the latter just kind of...flows naturally? When you're imagining stuff intentionally that takes effort and conscious thought, if it's all happening to you naturally, people respond without you thinking of their responses or they make their own choices separate from you, etc. then that's different than regular pretending. This is probably written confusingly sorry this stuff is hard to describe.

Journaling! You can do this on paper or do it in a discord server created just for yourself (if you want to you can add pluralkit and people can create their own profiles on it and have their own icons/names/etc that way but that's optional) or something else there's apps you can use as well Antar is a good one but really you could do it anywhere you can write or type. You can write messages for other parts of you who take over, ask them questions for later, or you can do that to pass on important notes of what's going on when and scheduling and stuff. Basically, the idea is that you're copiloting a body with a bunch of people who haven't been able to properly speak to each other so you need to find a way to keep important information the others might need accessible.

Hopefully this is helpful if you have any other questions feel free to ask you can also message us if you'd like but no pressure to! Good luck!

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

SEL……………………

i finally got around to reading this!!!! :3 im sorry it took so long PJDJD bUT honestly im glad i took my time w it because this fic really does deserve a thorough reading!!!!! and i think i needed time to just….. Absorb a lot of it. to be in a good headspace. i still cried though i dont even know where to begin honestly!!! 

sel……….. something about your writing just makes me sob. I DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS BUT…….. its just always so painfully soft. to the point where it hurts a little bit? 😭😭 in a VERY good way to be clear, but reading ur fics feels a little like going to therapy…. i cried a LOT reading this. so much of it is soooo heartwrenching but you never fail to patch it up w more softness and that’s just.

i take back the therapy comparison actually bc reading this felt more like going thru surgery…. getting scalpel’d and then sewn back together again….. but like. in a gentle way.

if u cant tell im a bit delirious rn bc there’s just so much i want to say 😭😭 but!! overall i am just in AWE of your writing style. always always always. how effortlessly u mess up my emotions…… i really do think its such a wonderful talent for a writer to have!!! i always without fail feel SO much reading ur fics :’3 if sel has a million fans i am one of them if she has no fans i am no longer on this earth 🙏🙏 u r so so so talented!! (but i expect financial compensation for every single tear i shed reading this PHDJD)

anyways!!! onto the actual fic… gosh. sel what have u done to me. i honestly truly dont know where to begin, i loved so so SO many things abt it, my notes are a mess, this might be a little incoherent but pls just know i adored this fic from start to finish…….. DEFINITELY one of my favorite depictions of gojo ever.

BUT OK im just gonna try to get all my thoughts out in a … somewhat ….. cohesive manner ….. i just hope u can feel the love i have for u and this fic <333333 im gonna take a page out of ur book and format this the same way u do when u rb my stuff!! and Hope that it turns out semi-structured… I FEEL A LITTLE LIKE IM WRITING AN ESSAY RN but im so unbelievably serious abt this sel. im treating this like a paper worth 80% of my grade.

When Gojo has love for the taking, he makes no move to reach for it. <- how DARE u start with this line u immediately shattered my heart 😔😔 this set such a distinct tone for the entire fic and its such a genius take on gojo….. his approach to love. his choice not to reach for it as a contrast to his somewhat greedy nature. more on that later though!!

BUT ON THAT NOTE………. gosh sel. i knew i was gonna love ur depiction of gojo in this obviously but i was really so so awestruck by how thoughtfully uve written him here 🥺🥺🥺 hes sooooo cute but he also feels so heartwrenchingly real, so vulnerable AND AND AND: soooooo human. i was completely enamored by so many lines and moments in this, when he gets shy and nervous and when his boyish side shines through. when you get a peek of who gojo Really is, when you strip away the godhood and resonsibilities and he feels safe.

You’d think this a rejection, if any, but he doesn’t move away from you, and the blush blooming at the tips of his ears says more than he ever could. 

Your eyes trail to the side of his neck, hidden in the shadows of his jawline; there’s really nothing, but sometimes you blink and see crimson, oozing, gushing, leaking—you shake away the thought.  

He looks cozy, almost boyish, beaming against the autumn breeze blowing on his thick gray hoodie. 

Gojo continues to eat, blabbering about a site visit he’s assigned to next week, but you don’t miss the way his ears are fully red and how he’s biting his lips to death. <- THIS ONE IN PARTICULAR…. literally had to take a breather after this hooowwwwww do u write him so cute. tell me ur secrets. hes so cute im literally tearing up writing this hhhhhh 😥😥😥

its a side of gojo that i think a lot of people dont explore, bc he never really shows it in the manga, but i really do think that its exactly how he’d be in a situation like this!!! one thats completely unknown to him and hinges on that raw, unguarded, human part of his heart…. its such an interesting side of him.

it can be super cute to read, like all the moments in this where he gets a bit awkward and blushes and everything, but other times its just….. Unbelievably Heartbreaking. like when he gets downright desperate and openly afraid. its so chilling in a way because gojo as a character is always so calm and collected and chill, but then u have these moments of unfiltered emotion that are just….. so hard to read? but also so interesting and just. so Good. so wonderfully written i was FLOORED….. this moment in particular:

“Wait,” he swallows, a franticness you’ve never seen before. His head stays down as he bites his lips, sunglasses hanging by his fingertips. You wonder what he wants to say, that even if it comes out messy, it’s okay. You want to tell him that it’s just you—that you’ll always want to hear it all anyway. 

What comes next is unlike any version of Satoru you have ever known—nervous and uncertain, almost like he’s afraid. He lowers himself, slowly coming down to his knees in front of you. A giant of a man so small in your presence. 

“I don’t know how.” he mutters, dropping his sunglasses to the floor. 

GAHHHHH……. PDJDJDBXBC ……… can u hear my heart breaking sel. a giant of a man so small in your presence……………. the way he opens himself up here. (and the way he drops his sunglasses!! the symbolism hhhh its so satisfying.) he comes off as almost helpless and thats just………… its so tough to read LMAO like truly!!! it gutted me!!!!! but i love it so much. and reader being so so SO patient (more on that later but sel shes literally my Wife i love her to death)

i think gojo is very much afraid of love, and that wounded part of him shines through so effortlessly in the way u write him here….. its such a realistic and grounded take and it just feels so right. which is probably also why it hurts so much :’3 but ive been thinking abt this a lot tbh, not just in regards to col but ALL your fics, just….. how good you are at really looking at a character and seeing their human side. and capturing it!! expressing it!!! lil habits of theirs, or vulnerable aspects that others might stray from…… im sure ive already said this and ill definitely repeat myself LMAO but!! youre such a wonderful writer sel. i really was so floored by all this!! how u make gojo feel so genuinely human, just in the way his ears go red or he bites his lip….

ohhhh also!! before i forget!!!!!! the divinity theme……. the god theme……. (explodes). literally every single time u write abt it i picture our braincells connecting PHDJDF i LOVE ur take on it so much!!

How does he tell you that he must be fucked in the head? That every second in his mind is another step closer to insanity? That he’s lost your tether on Satoru in pursuit of Gojo—of being a god? 

^ LIKE………….. this entire paragraph. how he feels himself seeking the ’gojo’ in his name instead of the ’satoru’… n how reader always only calls him satoru!! he is slipping away!!!! n distancing himself from the person who makes him feel most human!!!!! im rattling at the bars of my cage sel. 

BUT okok. lets talk abt my favorite part of this fic. there are Many bUT…… i think overall what affected me most and had me crying most (and obv also the main theme of the fic!!) is gojo’s relation to Love. his fear of it. but also his yearning for it. u show everything so subtly yet vividly and it feels so grounded and real!!! such a bigbrained take on him. how he loves reader but also fears how she affects him, how HE affects her…….. the softness he feels but also that panic. and just how closed off he is….

aaaaa there were just SO many lines that explored that part of him in so many different ways and i loved them all to bits:

It’s dangerous, he thinks, how you make wanting something so complicated seem so simple.

“I’ll tell you,” he starts, “but you have to look away." (....) “I’m fine,” he says to the back of your head, “you have nothing to worry about.” <- THIS… gahh… how he has to physically avert his gaze to lie to her. the symbolism here too… how his eyes reveal how he truly feels. im so weak for it sellllll ;w;

Gojo’s a pretty bad communicator; for how much he talks, he doesn’t really say much—and maybe that’s the root of all this. There are too many things he wants to say but can’t formulate in the right way. 

“I can’t.” he speaks softly. What hurts the most is that beneath his sunglasses, his eyes still hold the sky. You think you want to cry. <- ME TOO READER ME TOO .. the helplessness here. the helplessness and discomfort that gojo must feel….. oughhh

It’s threatening, he thinks, how you can say so much with so little. 

(…) how Gojo is now afraid of love, more than anything else, not because of loss but because he might not know how. <- if u listen closely u can hear my muffled sobbing in the distance

But it doesn’t come. You feel Gojo’s breath stilling before speeding up into little exhales. Something is wrong.

You realize that it must be true then, what they say, that those who love to be feared, fear to be loved, because you’ve never seen anyone afraid of something so good as Gojo is of this. <- (SOUND OF GLASS SHATTERING) SELLLLL I AM GRABBING U BY THE SHOULDERS…. this is sooo… so………… i cant speak just know i resonate a lot w col!gojo + i cried LMAO

Gojo hates it, how you’ve always had to adjust for him. He hates that he can’t give you this one thing, hates that you’re still so patient, that he’s still so afraid. He swallows, closing his eyes tight before opening them again.  “I want to,” he chokes out, “I just don’t know—”

^ this entire moment…… GOD. the fact that he isnt incapable of it or anything, he just literally doesnt know how!!! and the frustration of that…. someone like gojo, who is good at Literally Everything EXCEPT for giving and receiving love. ack. it hurts but its such a real aspect of his character and u depict that side of him so well…….. how he wishes he could give u this One thing. when ur so patient. :( hes a sweetie and hes flawed and hes trying his best.

i know ive said this before but…. i really do identify so so much with col!gojo!!!! im kind of in love w col!reader bc of that LMAOO she’s just….. to have someone love you so gently and patiently……… with so much care. yeah. i get why gojo is literally gutted by her presence. hes so Me. 

and THATS my segway into col!reader <333 my beloved. my angel on earth. i love her!!!!! so so dearly!!!!!!!!! she has this older sister vibe that just makes me want to hug her ☹️☹️🤧 

i talked abt this a tiny bit before but she really has this resiliance abt her!! shes so so strong and kind and those traits melt together so seamlessly. i love how gojo is physically the stronger one, but when it comes to the emotional aspect reader is just so much more brave and willing to be vulnerable….. even when its scary for her too.

and how that rubs off on toru!!!! i adore their dynamic SO much and you wrote it so thoughtfully sel!!! i lovelovelove them. and its so perfect for gojo too…. i know u and i agree on this but i genuinely dont think any trope works better for gojo than slowburn/friends to lovers…. u just Get it

there’s just something so sweet about the way they interact, how they help each other!! their love is so so so tender and gentle and just. loving. its a slowburn and thats comfortable for both of them. there is just so so much care between these two!!! and getting to see the way their relationship slowly blossoms was such a treat 🥺🥺

“I think I’ll always want to be with you, Satoru.” When you offer your heart to Gojo, he looks at you softly. 

^ this gutted me like a sad fish. ive said this before but ur ability to turn my heart into sashimi w only a couple of finely chosen words kills me every time

Once Gojo turns to give you the cone, you reach for his other hand tentatively, shyly—your fingertips grazing his palm lightly. You want to give him an out if he can’t take this, but he doesn’t move. He twitches a little, as if he’s been caught off guard, but that’s it. <- FUCKKKK . sorry. im just ;; shes just ;;;;; the way she ALWAYS gives him an out in case its too much. she loves gojo so patiently and tenderly and thats exactly how he deserves to be loved :(

You choose to show him slowly, gently, like the trickling introduction of water to a man who is first learning how to drink. <- THISSSS GOD ur choice of words sel….. u really get such a good grasp on their dynamic and love just from this single sentence

It grows organically that way: knuckles brushing as you both reach for the stapler, pinkies touching whenever you walk side-by-side during site visits—until you’re able to hold his hand fully again, leaving that little infinity between your palms for him to close (hopefully, one day). <- THE SUBTLE INTIMACY;;;;;;;

Shoko asks what you are and you don’t know what to tell her other than you’re happy and it’s good. <- SHOKO MENTION but also i adore this line. stuck out to me a lot while reading!! tbh i think this is all love needs to be; it doesnt have to be labelled to mean something. theyre happy and its good!!

(i always get so giddy when i see how much our views of gojo overlap also .. i have a fic thats literally just this one line!! a relationship w gojo that isnt quite a relationship but the love is there and thats enough :’3 im just. aaa. im so thankful for u sel!! our gojo discussions mean the world to me <3)

You chuckle, without judgment, “I don’t either,” you lean forward, foreheads touching, “but do you want to try together?” <- MY HEARTTTTTTTT SHES SO….. shes like if someone gathered a bundle of the softest sweetest loveliest flowers n turned em into a person :< theres so much love in her heart!!

if i was gojo i’d be bawling LMAO just!!! to be treated so tenderly!!!! so patiently!!!!!! i doubt he’s has ever been met w so much tenderness and love :( it must feel scary to him but reader is just always so reassuring… to me the One dynamic that will always make me crumble is a patient, kind person who chooses to love someone who’s damaged and afraid. its difficult and tough but!! the love is there!! and the patience is so healing to me.

and needless to say u portrayed it soooo wonderfully…. u show how hard it is for both of them, how much theyre both struggling but still willing to bare their hearts to each other… how reader has to tiptoe that line between fondness and love and intimacy, not get too close but not too far… how its kinda like trying to take care of a wounded animal — if you move too quickly itll try to stumble away.

CAN U TELL IM NORMAL ABT THIS phddjjd i just. sel………… there is a tiny lil portion of my heart that belongs entirely to u and ur gojo and ur delicious takes on him <3333 

but angst and hurt/comfort aside theyre also just. SO cute. i was gushing over them the whole time!!!!! im especially weak for shy nervous gojo SEL HES LITERALLY SO…… i dont know who im more jealous of at this point. theyre both so cute. u can sense their history and fondness for each other just in the way they speak, and the air between them is just so so so warm. i want them to adopt me i think. or just be their friend. or join their relationship 

It’s always like this with Gojo: he pulls you in and you follow. No matter the distance between you, when you sit down together like this, it still always flows so easily. The banter you’ve built together over a decade and more shines through no matter what state your relationship is in. 

“You know…” he looks to the side, pouting, “whatever you do….” “Like…?” you coax lightly, trying hard to hide the small smile forming on your lips. He grips his pants tighter, fabric bunching under his fingers, “When you hold my hand… those things. You get it.”  You wonder how many versions of Satoru you’ll meet in your lifetime, and if this one, shy and nervous, will be one you’ll fit into the crevices of your heart just like all the others. 

^ GOOD GOD (i exploded.) sel im literally so serious u r DAMAGING my brain hes way too cute. i think that if i flustered gojo like this i would simply fall to my knees and cry. hes just the cutest guy in the world i think. blushy and sweet. its embarrassing how down bad i am for him

You nod, opening your mouth. Gojo’s eyes widen, nearly dropping the spoon at your request. You see the flush of his cheeks and smile, corners of your mouth extending wider. The spoon is shoved to your mouth too quickly, almost like he’s embarrassed to feed you.  <- cutiepie 😭

“Too sweet.” “Like me, right?” he winks. “Sure,” you drawl sarcastically and Gojo smiles like it’s high praise. 

You turn to him, a shy smile on your face. The tips of his ears are blush red but he looks at you the same, “Your hands were cold,” he pouts, “is this– is this okay?”  “Yeah, it’s warm. Thank you, Satoru.” you nod, beaming.

^ CUTIEPIEEEEEEE 😭😭😭

“There’s a secret ingredient.” He swallows before he scoffs, “What?” (...) “Love?”  You’re surprised because he says it so casually, and Gojo’s never talked about love, has never even mentioned the word since this shift in your relationship. He realizes a beat late by the expression on your face and gets flustered, thinking immediately of ways to brush past it.  (…) “if it is?” you whisper, pretending to stir your coffee.  Gojo doesn’t know how to approach this, really, but he’s come too far to back out now. He clears his throat, mentally running through what he wants to say, then, “Good. ‘Cause that’s what I put in your coffee too.” 

^ this whole scene……. psjdksbxjdbjxkzkz. so cute.

When he leaves for missions, you kiss his cheek, pull him in by the hand and linger there, shyly. He gets embarrassingly red but tries to cover it up by telling you not to miss him too much (even though you know you will, and he knows he’ll miss you more).  Your near-kisses with Gojo happen more frequently, and it comes to a point where he even manages to land one on your forehead, while you fall asleep next to him on his office couch. 

^ sel 🤝 the most gutwrenching heartfluttering depictions of subtle intimacy i have seen in my life

You stand there stunned for a good minute before you shake out of it, laughing. Gojo yells about how you’re being so mean, making fun of him when he’s like this, but you aren’t—not really. <- the banter!! the playful teasing n laughter!!!!!!! theyre so comfortable with each other and its so fun to read. :>

and sel…… just as a final note; this should hopefully be obvious atp but i ADORE ur writing. so so so much. i love the way this is written and i had to stop literally every two seconds to write down a line that i loved. i think the only ones i havent mentioned yet are these!!:

There are crescent indents on your palm from squeezing your knuckles too hard. You think, is this how you form shallow cuts on your heart? <- SO PRETTYYYYYYY

You learn that Gojo sees himself so differently from how you do—and maybe that’s everyone, but Gojo tends to say things while doing the other. He says he can’t bother with kids, but continues to take so many of them under his wing anyway; he calls your cereal concoction disgusting but tastes it regardless; and he says he can’t think about love, doesn’t know how, but proceeds to try so much harder, everyday.  When you look at Gojo, you see a heart so big, so capable, that he can’t see it himself. 

^ this one means so much to me. ive run out of brain juice atp but like … sel ….. 🥺🥺🥺😥😥 the way u just understand him. hes not perfect, hes not a saint, but he loves and he loves and he loves even when it only ever hurts him. there’s something so human about gojo and ironically i think it hinges on how isolated he is? just… the fact that he continues to love despite that gap is so telling to me!!! i agree w reader so much, he doesnt understand how kind he is :( but he has a lot of love in his heart too.

u can probably tell but this rly did just tear my heart right out of my chest sel………….. im sniffling. tearing up. but im so so so happy and grateful that i found u and ur fics <3333 this really felt so healing!! im so excited to read more col sometime soon <33

give col!reader and col!gojo a lil kiss on the head from me pls 🥺

₊˚⊹｡ tell me about love (show me how) | gojo satoru

wc: 7.4k

summary: you teach gojo how to love. 

contains: f!reader in mind but no pronouns mentioned, descriptions of blood (typical jjk canon type stuff), shibuya onwards manga spoilers, implied minor character death, there are swears, suggestive bit at the end (but it’s funny!), lots of internal thoughts/dialogues, kind of canon divergent

a/n: relates to my short blurb, do you believe in love?, explores a lot on how i think gojo would be when it comes to love; ambiguous but linear timeline (jumps through scenes)

collection masterlist: conversations on love 01. do you believe in love? <- you are here -> 2.5. and my body keeps saying (it's yours)

When Gojo has love for the taking, he makes no move to reach for it. 

It’s unusual for him to be so restrained, being born into greed and predetermined purpose—a one-man clan fated to hold power close to God. There exists a hunger within him, insatiable and stubborn, unstoppable until he gets what he wants. It’s all he’s ever known: to take and devour, simply because he can. 

Yet with this, he doesn’t. He can’t seem to. 

“I think I’ll always want to be with you, Satoru.” 

When you offer your heart to Gojo, he looks at you softly. 

You catch his eyes and see the sky, bright, with flecks of light floating on his irises like cotton clouds in its periphery. It’s different from the piercing blue you’re used to—a terrifying riptide that washes you away. 

It wasn’t intended as a confession, but Gojo always takes whatever you have to say. He commits it to memory each time; how could he not? Words that come from you flow so naturally, so earnestly that the air around you shifts all on its own.

His lips part slightly, red spatterings lining pink inner corners before they close again. He doesn’t say anything, but you know Gojo and the fingerprints of his soul—the way he bites his lips to withhold himself from speaking. 

It’s dangerous, he thinks, how you make wanting something so complicated seem so simple.

He takes a small breath, then you feel it, pressed against you—the faint signature of his cursed energy overlaying his entirety. It tickles your skin a little, the effects of it brushing. You don’t remember the last time he put it up around you.

A million things run through Gojo’s mind for every split second he breathes, but at this point in time, he counts a million and one—one thought that if he touches you by infinity instead of his hands, he can have this good thing for now, that this is the only way how. 

You’d think this a rejection, if any, but he doesn’t move away from you, and the blush blooming at the tips of his ears says more than he ever could. 

.

.

.

The subtle intimacy you share with Gojo grows sporadically, from knuckles brushing to pinkies touching. He stands next to you more often, a few inches closer than he used to and sometimes, still, with an infinity connecting you.

.

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.

When you hold Gojo’s hand for the first time, he jolts very slightly, as if you’ve shocked him. He’s started to put his infinity down around you again, and you continue the limbo of whatever it is you both are—except this time, he’s made it clearer, just a little bit. 

During the last few leaves of fall, Gojo skips to an ice cream stand like a pre-schooler on early dismissal. You trail behind him slowly, shaking your head affectionately; he’s the only adult you know that still acts like he’s 5. 

“You’re like a horse.” you jest, stopping next to him in line.

“You’re a snail.” he huffs, side-eyeing you, like a child.

You gasp exaggeratingly, hitting his arm. He fake-winces, but that’s all it is; Gojo’s the strongest and you don’t know of any human touch that has managed to hurt him, except—

Yeah. Your eyes trail to the side of his neck, hidden in the shadows of his jawline; there’s really nothing, but sometimes you blink and see crimson, oozing, gushing, leaking—you shake away the thought.  

When he receives his ice cream cone stacked with vanilla-strawberry-vanilla and rainbow sprinkles on top, the smile on his face parallels the sun. He looks cozy, almost boyish, beaming against the autumn breeze blowing on his thick gray hoodie. 

You wonder if he feels just as warm.

(Maybe that’s why you do it, then).

Once Gojo turns to give you the cone, you reach for his other hand tentatively, shyly—your fingertips grazing his palm lightly. You want to give him an out if he can’t take this, but he doesn’t move. He twitches a little, as if he’s been caught off guard, but that’s it. 

His eyes widen briefly, just a bit, before turning into the same soft skies frequenting them lately. 

“Sorry, is this okay?” you whisper, peering up at him. 

He stares at you for a while, his hand in yours unmoving. You leave a sliver of space between your palms–your own version of his infinity–just in case. And he takes it all in: how tiny your hand is wrapped around his, how gently you speak—how warm he feels now amidst this autumn breeze. 

“The strawberry’s really good,” he finally replies, pressing the dessert closer to you, “try it.” 

You give him one last look before you indulge in his request. Gojo’s always been good at that: pushing and pulling—pushing you away with non-answers only to pull you back in with something else. 

But he doesn’t let go of your hand, so you keep yours there, palms nearly touching. (You make a point not to mention how the parts that do touch become clammy for the rest of the afternoon). 

.

.

.

You start to think that your relationship with Gojo is going somewhere, then he disappears (‘gets sealed’ might be the more proper term). 

His absence is deafening. You’ve all lost so much, and it hurts, but you carry on knowing full well that this is what being a jujutsu sorcerer means. There aren’t many left to fight his fight, so you do what you can to. You stay with Shoko, mostly, if not going back and forth with Utahime. You can’t afford to be crying when the students, the kids—you can’t even bear to think about what they’re going through.

Nights are the hardest, when the world is quiet but your mind is loud, throwing far too many questions you can’t find the answers to.

What will Gojo come back to? Then the scarier thought: Will he even come back? 

You don’t want to doubt him, ever, but your mind continues to play back that day, like a final memory. The unintentional confession; his eyes like the sky. 

You don’t want it to be the last important thing you tell him. 

“I should start looking into retirement plans, like Nanamin.” you raise an eyebrow, questioning. Gojo’s never spoken this far into the future before, most especially his. 

“Work is shit now for you too?” you scoff, leaning back on the wooden ledge. 

Gojo rolls his eyes, skipping the coverage of his blindfold today. 

“Well, after I remove the old geezers and change everything, there won’t be much left to do.” 

You hum in response. He does make a point. 

“Also, Megumi won’t need me anymore,” he pouts, whining, “who else will want me around?” 

You try to hold back your laugh, wanting so badly to tell him that Megumi doesn’t even really like him around to begin with—but you figure breaking Gojo’s heart isn’t really something you want to do if you value your peace. 

“I don’t know,” you reply, shifting your weight, “I think I’ll always want to be with you, Satoru.” 

Even now, especially now. You wish you were with him, too. 

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.

.

The day you hear of Gojo’s potential return, you drop your breakfast outside the 7-Eleven near Jujutsu Tech. You’re supposed to meet up with Utahime for a weekly check-in but your feet take you to Shoko, and the footsteps in your heart have never echoed louder. 

This is the first good news in a while—especially after finding out about the state of Megumi and what happened to Tsumiki, your sweet girl Tsumiki. 

When Gojo comes back, it’s like he never left. He pops out of the box joking the same way, talking the same way. He proves himself to be the strongest all the same, and when he wins—there are scars, but he wins and that fact stays the same. 

So, when you reach for his hand now and he moves away, you’re stuck wondering what’s changed. 

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.

You let it stay that way for a while, your understanding extending to Gojo the way it always has—you don’t push, and he gives you what he can. It honestly isn’t all that bad, because at least he’s still talking to you like he used to. 

Jujutsu society is still shaken from its core. You and all who have survived bear the task of building everything from the ground up; it’s exhausting, especially since most of you are still mourning. 

Megumi’s been put in an induced coma; you understand why but it still tugs at your heart when Shoko tells you it might take a while. Everyone else has been assigned to sweep through the rest of Japan to ensure that any remaining curses are taken care of. 

You see Yuuji and Yuuta visit Megumi sometimes, along with Maki and Toge when they’re free. Gojo’s there pretty often too, using healing sessions with Shoko as an excuse to see the boy he’s practically raised at 17, with you. 

But while Gojo’s smiles to everyone else remain as charming as ever, you can always tell when they’re untrue. 

.

“Are you okay?” 

You find Gojo a little after midnight on the rooftop of the faculty building. The city always looks pretty from up here—a sea of lights reflected up on the sky. It’s a running joke that rooftops are Gojo’s ‘thing’, but you know he really only comes to places like this to think. You wonder what’s on his mind now, coming here every single night since being unsealed. 

Despite how quiet you try to be, sneaking up on Gojo is almost impossible; he senses you before he hears you, sees the familiar traces of your cursed energy through his Six Eyes. 

“Can’t sleep thinking about me?” he teases, looking straight ahead.

The steps you take towards him are careful, afraid of running him off like you seem to be lately. You sit beside him, leaving a space larger than you usually do, then shrug, “These days, yeah.”

It’s times like this when Gojo forgets how honest you can be, how he takes your word for everything, completely. 

It’s threatening, he thinks, how you can say so much with so little. 

“Well, maybe I can suggest—” 

“Seriously, Satoru,” you grip the ledge tightly, knuckles turning white, “please.” 

You tend to let Gojo dodge your questions a lot of the time, his elusiveness a hallmark of who he is. So you never sound like you do now, serious, pleading. 

Gojo fiddles with his fingers, pondering. He hums lowly before speaking, “Does it matter?” 

It hurts you a little, how that’s even a question. He should know better than to ask that to you. 

“It matters to me, Satoru,” you sigh, “you know it does.”

You barely catch the way his brows furrow at your response, but there are creases on his blindfold that can’t be created by anything else. And Gojo knows—is so painfully aware of the way you care. 

Since coming back, he’s never felt like he’s fully returned. It’s an odd existence of in-between, like he breathes everything and nothing all at the same time. The emotions are even worse, overloading his senses with feelings he can never pinpoint. 

How does he tell you that he must be fucked in the head? That every second in his mind is another step closer to insanity? That he’s lost your tether on Satoru in pursuit of Gojo—of being a god? 

“I’ll tell you,” he starts, “but you have to look away.”

You’ve always treated Gojo tenderly, patiently, and he knows, without a doubt, that no matter what he says you will continue to do the same. But he can’t allow that, not anymore. Not after the way you looked at him that day.

“Okay,” you mutter, turning your head the other way. 

He breathes out and you can almost picture it: half-bitten lips and eyes like low tide. 

“I’m fine,” he says to the back of your head, “you have nothing to worry about.” 

A breeze picks up and brushes past your neck. It’s a lie. He knows it, knows you know it too, but—

it’s easier this way, he thinks, to give you answers when you’re not looking.

Gojo’s never found a weakness he can’t work around, but he might have just found one with you—in your eyes, that read through his every lie. If you turn around now, he’ll want to tell you everything.

“Satoru,” you whisper, letting his name fill the air. You get it—him, and even when you don’t, you try damn hard to because you refuse to let Gojo carry all of it on his own. 

There are crescent indents on your palm from squeezing your knuckles too hard. You think, is this how you form shallow cuts on your heart?

“It’s just me,” you continue, facing him when you say it. 

He takes you all in—your eyes that hold the city lights, your lips, the only vessel that handles his name so delicately. It’s that look on your face again and Gojo’s hit with an ache in his chest—the overwhelming truth that whatever it is, he feels the same. 

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.

There’s a secret Gojo keeps, one he’s certain he’ll never tell you: that when he looks at you upon his return and finds an emotion he refuses to name, he’s never felt so afraid.  

He takes in the shadows under your eyes and the sunkenness of your cheeks—the number of blinks it takes you to reign in tears on the brink of leaking. The way your voice shakes when you say his name.

Shoko tells him about it because she knows you never will—about how you’ve been running yourself dry, speeding through colonies to gather intel for any possible way to break the seal. She tells him about the sleepless nights, how she catches you standing outside his office at 3 a.m. before travelling to Utahime the next morning. 

And he cannot comprehend it at first, cannot understand how he’s caused you to crumble this way. 

If this is all because of him, how you’ve broken yourself all for his sake, he can’t allow it. To see you ruin yourself over him, over anyone ever—you deserve better.

So, when Gojo has love for the taking, he makes no move to reach for it; he cannot possibly take any more from you if this is what is left of you when he does. 

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“You’ve been avoiding me,” you catch him by the door of the conference room. 

Rebuilding an entire society requires work and apparently a lot of meetings. Gojo doesn’t usually go to most of them, leaving you and Utahime to carry the chunk of his attendance when he’s not there. In the rare times that he does show up, he makes it a point to be the last one in and the first one out. Utahime hates him for it but you don’t blame him—he isn’t exactly amicable with other figures of authority.

He pauses when he steps out of the door, hands in pockets as he turns to face you. 

You’re not mad or anything, just stating the fact. He’s always known you to speak this way. You lean against the wall next to you, keeping your arms crossed. More people continue to file out of the conference room, some eyeing the two of you curiously as they pass by.

Gojo glances at them, suddenly self-conscious as he clears his throat, “Right, I’ve been avoiding the paperwork you left in my office,” he emphasizes, practically announcing it to everyone in the vicinity, “let’s finish it now.” 

You don’t know whether it’s irritating that Gojo’s so terribly bad at acting, or comforting that he still can’t, for the life of him, successfully lie in front of you. 

He motions for you to follow him as he strolls down the hallway, but you intentionally lag a few steps behind, careful not to encroach on his space lest it make him avoid you any more than he already is.

Stepping into Gojo’s office after so long feels weird, like you belong here but only to a memory of it—as if closing the door behind you feels like activating a muscle you haven’t for a while. It’s been months after all. 

Your eyes skim over the entire room, zeroing in on the stacks of paper lined up on his desk; paperwork has always been Gojo’s least favorite part of the job, often leaving you to do them with him (or alone, when you’re feeling generous). Not much has changed in his space; the mini living area still exists to the left of the room, with little bits of you in its interiors—the pillows, the coffee table books. 

Gojo plops down on the sofa chair and props his feet up on the ottoman, giving four scrolls to his phone before pocketing it. He has the audacity to casually offer you the seat across from him, as if nothing’s wrong—as if he hasn’t been avoiding you for god’s sake. 

Ever since the rooftop, he’s canceled lunch with you six times for reasons that you’re now realizing are less likely to be true. He’s kept a distance of at least one person in between you at all times, and to this day, you still don’t understand why. 

You sigh, taking a seat and leaning back to cross your legs. 

“You’re so bad at acting.” you start.

Being with Gojo for so long, you’ve come to realize that there’s no point being angry with him when your heart can never take it. 

“I technically wasn’t lying.” he replies, sticking his index finger up. 

“Yeah, I can see that,” you snicker, nodding to his desk. 

It’s always like this with Gojo: he pulls you in and you follow. No matter the distance between you, when you sit down together like this, it still always flows so easily. The banter you’ve built together over a decade and more shines through no matter what state your relationship is in. 

Neither of you say anything until Gojo replaces his blindfold for his sunglasses, placing the piece of cloth on the coffee table. 

You break the silence. 

“Why have you been avoiding me?” you ask quietly. Gojo aches at that, how you still choose to regard him so kindly. 

Why has he been avoiding you? It’s a good question, completely valid with how he’s been treating you lately, but he could draw up every answer he has, all one million and one, and still not know what to say.

Gojo’s a pretty bad communicator; for how much he talks, he doesn’t really say much—and maybe that’s the root of all this. There are too many things he wants to say but can’t formulate in the right way. 

“If it’s something I did, can you at least let me know?” you continue. Gojo frowns, how can you be wronged yet still think of yourself as the one to blame? 

“Why do you do that?” he tuts, head tilting sideways as his hands dig deeper into his pockets. 

“Do what?” you furrow your brows, confused. 

“You didn’t do anything wrong, so don’t worry about it.” he says dismissively. 

You arch an eyebrow; he has it all mistaken. 

“Satoru, I’m not worried because I feel guilty,” you sit up, inching towards the edge of your seat, “I’m worried because you’re pushing me away.” your voice is level, but your pupils shake.

Something grips at his chest seeing you this way; together or apart, he seems to be the main contributor to your heartache. 

You wonder if confronting him like this is any good if he’s not going to say anything anyway. 

“If you want space, that’s okay, I get it, but,” you exhale, “at least just tell me why.” 

This entire time avoiding you, Gojo’s had you on his mind—the million and one. He’s come to terms with what he feels when you’re together, and how it amplifies when you’re not. 

It’s shitty of him to practically ghost you, not just in text but in real life too. But he’s thought about it logically, really, that removing himself from your life should be just like ripping off a bandaid—painful but quick. At least that way, you’d get over it fast. 

He’d been resigned to doing that and that was the plan—until now. 

All it takes is seeing that look in your eyes, and his resolve falls apart. 

“I can’t.” he speaks softly. 

What hurts the most is that beneath his sunglasses, his eyes still hold the sky. 

You think you want to cry. 

You take this as your answer and close your eyes, taking a deep breath before getting up to leave. If this is goodbye, you don’t want your last interaction to be an awkward memory of him watching you bawl in his office chair. 

You push yourself up with the armrest only to sit back down—because Gojo is right in front of you, blocking your way. His infinity is up but touching, a tingling sensation sweeping across your knees. 

“Wait,” he swallows, a franticness you’ve never seen before. His head stays down as he bites his lips, sunglasses hanging by his fingertips. You wonder what he wants to say, that even if it comes out messy, it’s okay. You want to tell him that it’s just you—that you’ll always want to hear it all anyway. 

What comes next is unlike any version of Satoru you have ever known—nervous and uncertain, almost like he’s afraid. He lowers himself, slowly coming down to his knees in front of you. A giant of a man so small in your presence. 

“I don’t know how.” he mutters, dropping his sunglasses to the floor. 

You blink once, twice, still surprised by what’s in front of you. Gojo has always towered above you, has always known how to do anything and everything so effortlessly without fail. 

Watching him now, with every inhale and exhale dragging in slow motion, you do your best not to startle him. 

“How to what?” you whisper, the moment so fragile. 

He looks up, eyes locking with yours. A reaction happens in that moment—the split second of all his thoughts collapsing into one. You see a clear sky, blue and bright as day, the Satoru he saves for you—while he sees you, with that look on your face, the one that he knows has always only meant love. 

The sincerity in your gaze overwhelms him—makes him look away before it becomes too much. Red blooms at the tips of his ears as he bites the inner corners of his lips, fingers grabbing at the fabric of his pants. You’re afraid he might run away again, but he doesn’t and stays right where you are. 

“You know…” he looks to the side, pouting, “whatever you do….”

“Like…?” you coax lightly, trying hard to hide the small smile forming on your lips. 

You wonder how many versions of Satoru you’ll meet in your lifetime, and if this one, shy and nervous, will be one you’ll fit into the crevices of your heart just like all the others. 

He grips his pants tighter, fabric bunching under his fingers, “When you hold my hand… those things. You get it.” 

And you do (get it), so you don’t push, taking whatever Gojo has to give you like you always have. 

The tension relieves from you slowly, comforted by the fact that at least he’s given you his reasons now (no matter how vague they still seem to be). That at least there are no non-answers this time. 

You tell yourself that it’s okay, that you’re content as long as Gojo’s in your life even without the possibility of becoming something more. 

“Ok—”

But there’s always one thing you forget about Gojo—

“So show me how.”

—in the moments you least expect it, he speaks the words that matter most. 

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.

.

You choose to show him slowly, gently, like the trickling introduction of water to a man who is first learning how to drink. 

In the first few weeks of you and Gojo readjusting to one another, he turns on his infinity again—but only when he gets close enough to touch you. Lunches together happen more often, dinners sometimes too. Then he puts his infinity down, indefinitely. 

For the most part, your relationship falls into the usual steps of your dynamic with Gojo; there’s no pressure for anything and he likes that, appreciates the time you’re giving him to learn things at his own pace. 

It grows organically that way: knuckles brushing as you both reach for the stapler, pinkies touching whenever you walk side-by-side during site visits—until you’re able to hold his hand fully again, leaving that little infinity between your palms for him to close (hopefully, one day). 

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.

.

The faculty room is cold, especially during winter. The heating system is never warm enough to keep your hands from shaking whenever you mix your morning coffee. 

“So loud so early,” Gojo saunters into the kitchen, hands in pockets as he approaches the pantry. 

You stop mixing, ceasing the clinking of the spoon against your mug. “How are you not freezing?” 

He shrugs, grabbing his box of (heavily sugared) cereal. “I guess I’m just hot.” he says, turning to wiggle his eyebrows.

You roll your eyes and set your coffee on the table, Gojo following with a bowl brimming with cereal and milk. 

Mornings usually consist of you and Gojo, with an occasional new hire who has an early class that day. Most of the time, it’s just you two though, with Shoko coming in much closer to lunch time already. 

“Want some?” he asks, holding out his spoon.

It’s routine—Gojo asks and you decline, choosing to save yourself from the cavities that he somehow manages to evade despite having a diet of 80% sugar. 

Today though, you’re feeling a little adventurous. 

You nod, opening your mouth. Gojo’s eyes widen, nearly dropping the spoon at your request. You see the flush of his cheeks and smile, corners of your mouth extending wider. The spoon is shoved to your mouth too quickly, almost like he’s embarrassed to feed you. 

“Too sweet,” you scrunch your face, swallowing down the copious amount of sugar you’ll feel for days. 

If there’s one thing you’ve learned about Gojo throughout this whole relationship trial period, he recovers from any state within a nanosecond. There’s no end to how shameless he can be. 

“Like me, right?” he winks.

“Sure,” you drawl sarcastically and Gojo smiles like it’s high praise. 

You sip your coffee slowly, revelling in the heat that flows down your throat.

“Can I have half of that?” you point to his bowl. Gojo looks at you, confused, but slides it over anyway.

What happens next is an abomination to Gojo’s eyes—pure absolute disgust: you pour half of his cereal into your coffee and mix, sipping and crunching on a few pieces every now and then. 

His face contorts into complete distaste, horror and revulsion in the way his mouth hangs open. 

“What are you doing? That’s gross!” he nearly yells, reaching over to bring your mug down. His hand covers yours for a moment, the contact still causing gallops in his heartbeat. 

You laugh, giggling as he processes what you’d wasted his cereal on. It honestly doesn’t taste that bad, you think. 

“You’re weird,” he says to you, the grin on his face uncontained. This morning, he feels fond, like the butterflies in his stomach are warm, tickling him from the inside. “Give me.” he motions to your mug. 

You hold it up for him to take a sip but he keeps his hand over yours when he tastes, sticking his tongue out once the bitterness of your coffee hits. You set the mug down, preparing to reach for your spoon, but he takes your hand in his, long fingers slotting right between yours, interlacing. 

Gojo doesn’t normally reach for your hand, much less interlace them together (a recent evolution to your hand-holding), but this feels nice, how your fingers fit right in the spaces of his. 

You turn to him, a shy smile on your face. The tips of his ears are blush red but he looks at you the same, “Your hands were cold,” he pouts, “is this– is this okay?” 

“Yeah, it’s warm. Thank you, Satoru.” you nod, beaming. And it’s not a competition but he hopes you see the light in his eyes, how it feels to be ignited within him only when he’s spending breakfasts like this with you. 

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.

.

Shoko asks what you are and you don’t know what to tell her other than you’re happy and it’s good. Gojo’s existence is loud and vibrant, easy to spot from miles away—but he cares for you discreetly, in the hand that gently rests on your lower back while crossing the street, and the seemingly unlimited supply of your favorite coffee when you have no recollection of restocking it ever. 

He gives you a new mug for Christmas, one with little cereals painted all over while you give him his own tube of hand cream that he claims always smells like you. 

During the faculty New Year celebration, you overhear one of the new hires make a move on Gojo. You aren’t bothered by it or anything, simply walking past to sip your sake by the couch. You can hear them talk a bit from the kitchen, but you try not to pry despite how curious you are about his response. 

Until—

“I’m taken,” you hear Gojo say bluntly. 

Everything rings in your ears after that. The countdown music is loud, but your heart beats louder; there are murmurs and footsteps around you, but only one man crouches down to check on you, glass of water in hand. 

You snap out of it and see blue, the sky—a familiar light; you don’t think you can control the smile on your face, the alcohol lowering your inhibitions to paint on something lovesick. 

And when he smiles back, pink lips stretching wide—oh your heart can’t take it. He places one hand on your knee, rubbing gently. You hear it faintly, how he asks if you’re okay, but all you can do is nod, words failing to express how you feel right now.  

The countdown starts. 3 — and you take his face in your hands, squishing his cheeks to an image of him on your phone from many, many years ago. 2 — you go closer and his eyes go wide, a mixture of panic and surprise, but soft at the same time. 1 — you lean in and his eyelids fall shut, his chest on rampage. Then it lands, there, on the tip of his nose: a delicate peck and the smell of sake mixed with mint (like the lip balm you always carry around in your pocket). 

When you pull away from him, you’re smiling the biggest he’s ever seen, and he can’t feel it from how numb his cheeks have become, but he’s doing the same. 

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.

.

That kiss to his nose serves as the catalyst to the months that follow: Gojo becomes more comfortable touching you now, and though he blushes every single time, there’s nothing to be ashamed of because you do too. Shoko can’t believe the slow burn this is taking you both, having watched this on the sides since you were both 22, but you think you like it—like the slow drizzle of honey on Gojo’s favorite breakfast waffles. 

“How is it?” you ask, watching as Gojo takes a big bite. 

“D Beft.” he replies, mouth full as he chews. You take the seat beside him and take a spoonful. 

“There’s a secret ingredient.” you say mischievously, wiggling your eyebrows. 

He swallows before he scoffs, “What?” cutting up another piece, “Love?” 

You’re surprised because he says it so casually, and Gojo’s never talked about love, has never even mentioned the word since this shift in your relationship. He realizes a beat late by the expression on your face and gets flustered, thinking immediately of ways to brush past it. 

You had meant to say that you used that infused sugar he buys whenever he goes to Kyoto, but… you suppose love works too. He should know by now, right? 

“If it is?” you whisper, pretending to stir your coffee. 

Gojo doesn’t know how to approach this, really, but he’s come too far to back out now. He clears his throat, mentally running through what he wants to say, then, “Good. ‘Cause that’s what I put in your coffee too.” 

You laugh and the tension dissipates; there are hearts in your eyes for how hard Gojo has tried after denying himself of this for so long. 

He stares at you—at the laugh lines by your eyes and the soft curves of your lips, the moment moving much too slow, stop motion in his mind. He’s drawn in until you’re all too close, a few centimeters from your noses touching. 

Your laughter dies and your cheeks feel like they’re on fire; he’s so close you think he might kiss you. The signs are there—his eyes scaling your face to focus on your lips, his tongue peeping ever so slightly to wet his lips. 

So you wait. 

But he doesn’t, because he moves away after wiping his thumb on the side of your mouth. Even though you know there was nothing there. 

Gojo continues to eat, blabbering about a site visit he’s assigned to next week, but you don’t miss the way his ears are fully red and how he’s biting his lips to death.

.

The tension this time is different; instead of a growing rift, you can’t seem to be close enough. Every time you part ways, he lets go of your hand more reluctantly—as if he wants to say more, do more, but stops himself while he still can. 

When he leaves for missions, you kiss his cheek, pull him in by the hand and linger there, shyly. He gets embarrassingly red but tries to cover it up by telling you not to miss him too much (even though you know you will, and he knows he’ll miss you more). 

Your near-kisses with Gojo happen more frequently, and it comes to a point where he even manages to land one on your forehead, while you fall asleep next to him on his office couch. 

It’s driving you crazy, this tension—the mixed signals of it all. You try to kiss him a few times on the lips, but he evades them each time. You’ve caught Gojo staring at your lips more times than you can count; if that isn’t a sign, you don’t know what is. 

Now that Gojo thinks about it, he’s come so far yet the prospect of kissing you properly still scares him. What if he fucks up? Doesn’t do it right? What if it’s not how he wants you to be kissed? 

There’s that secret Gojo will never tell you, of how seeing that look on you has never gotten him more afraid. And he’s worked through that now, but it’s evolved into something else: how Gojo is now afraid of love, more than anything else, not because of loss but because he might not know how. 

And kissing you, loving you this way—he’s never done it before, doesn’t know how to make you feel love without his lips shaking and heart palpitating; how to do it while letting you know he feels the same. 

.

It happens during an assignment out of town. Curses aren’t as bad as they used to be, but they’re still stronger than what any of the available sorcerers right now can handle. 

You don’t remember the last time you saw Gojo use his technique that way—almost forgotten how powerful and ruthless he can be. Every time since, holding your hand, keeping you close—he’s just been your Satoru. 

Your apartment for the weekend is a two-bedroom unit with one bathroom and a decently sized living area and kitchenette; Gojo always chooses the room in front of the bathroom because he tends to wake up in the middle of the night to pee (information you know from your many other assignments with him before). Still, going as what you are now—it feels different. 

There’s a charged air between you as you move around the unit; you make your nightly tea while Gojo looks through the groceries for some crackers. It’s peaceful and quiet—domestic almost, but there are goosebumps on your skin for reasons you can’t explain. Being around Gojo lately has felt that way.

He brushes past you to throw the finished packet of crackers and the feeling intensifies; it’s not awkward, just tense, like anticipation sitting deep in your bellies, waiting on each other to make the first move. 

He announces that he’ll use the bathroom first, if you don’t mind, and you motion for him to go ahead. Your mind is fuzzy and having Gojo around seems to only make it worse.

When you walk past the bathroom and straight to your room, you hear Gojo humming that soft pop tune from a popular girl group on the radio earlier. You giggle, thinking it’s sweet—how he sings obnoxiously around everyone else but is admittedly pretty good when it’s just him, alone. 

You still have the rest of the weekend in this area, having agreed to monitor the site and any nearby locations for other suspicious activity, but at least the worst of it is over (maybe just to you though; Gojo hates paperwork). 

The sound of running water stops and you hear the bathroom door swing open. You don’t see Gojo when you exit your room but he leaves the door open to release any remaining steam.

There’s a reason why people say showers are good for the mind. You’re happy for those who’ve found it, but that couldn’t be you, because the only thought plaguing your head right now is Gojo—and whether you should greet him goodnight, if you should kiss his cheek or hug him tight. The tension between you now is palpable, an electric current waiting to zap on both ends. 

Your mind is so out of it that you don't realize you’re missing your skincare bag until after you finish brushing your teeth and dressing for bed. You open the bathroom door with the sole intention of going back to your room to get it, but instead, you’re met with a wall of chest.

Gojo’s eyes are wide, bright blue with damp strands of white falling like curtains barely shielding the sky. He’s just as surprised as you are, toothbrush in his hand as you hold up the towel wrapped around your head. 

You’ve seen Gojo in his pajamas many times before—white long sleeves with gray cotton pants, but your eyes trail to his collarbones and the way the bathroom lights cast it under a soft glow. The redness on his cheeks, a visual manifestation of the heat on yours. 

Gojo can’t stop staring at your lips, at how soft they look—at how soft you look fresh out of the shower. The little baby hairs sticking out under your towel are cute, and he leans in without knowing—a pull he can’t seem to resist. For once in his life, Gojo’s mind is still. 

You try to meet him halfway, tiptoeing, but you’re a little out of your element; you don’t know where to put your hands and your heart’s about to explode out of your chest. When your noses touch, you can’t breathe, closing your eyes while you wait for it. 

But it doesn’t come. 

You feel Gojo’s breath stilling before speeding up into little exhales. Something is wrong. You open your eyes and find him staring back at you, a version of Gojo you haven’t seen in a while—that you rarely see ever, except that day during your confrontation in his office. 

Concern laces your features and you move back a little, hands coming up to caress his cheeks. His eyes still look frantic, but they focus on you when you cup his face so gently. 

“Satoru,” you whisper, voice grounding. His breaths slow down a little. 

You realize that it must be true then, what they say, that those who love to be feared, fear to be loved, because you’ve never seen anyone afraid of something so good as Gojo is of this. 

“Satoru,” you repeat, massaging his temples with your thumb, “we don’t have to if you don’t want to.” 

Gojo hates it, how you’ve always had to adjust for him. He hates that he can’t give you this one thing, hates that you’re still so patient, that he’s still so afraid. He swallows, closing his eyes tight before opening them again. 

“I want to,” he chokes out, “I just don’t know—”

You chuckle, without judgment, “I don’t either,” you lean forward, foreheads touching, “but do you want to try together?”

You learn that Gojo sees himself so differently from how you do—and maybe that’s everyone, but Gojo tends to say things while doing the other. He says he can’t bother with kids, but continues to take so many of them under his wing anyway; he calls your cereal concoction disgusting but tastes it regardless; and he says he can’t think about love, doesn’t know how, but proceeds to try so much harder, everyday. 

When you look at Gojo, you see a heart so big, so capable, that he can’t see it himself. 

You nudge his nose with yours and he breathes deeply, closing his eyes once again. If he doesn’t do this now, how much longer ‘till he does? 

Gojo hums before nodding his head slightly. His hands come up to cover yours, toothbrush wedged in the spaces between his fingers; they’re clammy, he’s sure, but he’s kept you waiting long enough. 

When you kiss Gojo for the first time, everything trembles—his pupils, his lips, the breath he takes. It’s all shaky and nervous, but your lips touch and all you know is that you like it there. He’s a little bit stiff but you don’t mind, pressing closer just for a little bit before pulling away. 

Gojo keeps your hands in place, half-lidded eyes staring at you lazily. His ears are fully red now but he’s giving you a look you’ve never seen before—like lightning crackling in the gaps between his eyelids. 

When you kiss Gojo for the first time, you don’t expect it to be by the bathroom door of a rented apartment, while away on a mission. You don’t expect it to be in your pajamas, towel wrapped around your hair as you’re getting ready for bed. You definitely don’t expect him to guide your hands down his neck while he places his on your lower back, squeezing lightly before pulling you in to kiss you again. 

This time, his lips move more pliantly, parting yours slightly; he tastes mint, mixed with the strawberry candy he had earlier and it’s nothing he could have ever imagined before, but is now everything he’s ever wanted. The push and pull between you is magnetic, soft lips and the intermingling of held breaths. All Gojo can think of now is to take, to devour—to keep you with him, like this, always. 

You wonder if Gojo is lying—that he’s never done this before, because you don’t think you can kiss anyone after this and not think of his lips on yours. 

By the time you part, the air is significantly warmer. Your fingers thread through the hair at the base of his neck and you smile, sighing. Gojo looks warm, with his swollen lips and flushed cheeks. 

“That…” you trail off, nudging his nose. 

Gojo looks at you fondly; to ever even think he could have this now, with you—he doesn’t believe in any higher being but you must be his prayer come true. 

“We can practice a bit more, I think.” he pulls you closer, hands gripping your hips. 

You feel it against you, something solid and firm against your stomach and your eyes go wide at the realization; Gojo does the same. 

“Satoru, you–” he moves back and freezes, untangling himself from you completely. There’s a faint outline on the crotch of his pants and your whole face goes red. 

“Let me use the bathroom real quick.” he panics, rushing past you and closing the bathroom door. 

You stand there stunned for a good minute before you shake out of it, laughing. Gojo yells about how you’re being so mean, making fun of him when he’s like this, but you aren’t—not really. 

It’s been a long time getting to this point with Gojo, but considering all things, you think, this might just be the beginning.

thank you notes: i would also like to shoutout @stellamancer for leaving such lovely comments on dybil that it actually kinda pushed me to write this longer piece connected to it!!

comments, tags, and reblogs are greatly appreciated ♡

[glimfag]

Hi I freaking loves your arts I'm trying to start drawing people that aren't just standing static but I have no clue where to find references may I please have some guidance? Also thank you and you are so slays sincerely 🌹

Hello and thank you 🌹! I'll preface this with the fact that I am by no means a professional or expert on the subject, but I can tell you some little tips that I find helpful (also - I really like giving critique! So, if you wanna get REAL personal advice, feel free to DM me your work and I can give you more specific pointers :3) I'll put this under a readmore bc I'm gonna include pics.

So! When I'm trying to break out of boring poses, there's a couple things I consider.

Character Personality factors a LOT into posing. When getting more stylized and cartoonier, you can REAAALLY push a character into being energetic or sad or what have you - but this totally applies to more realistically proportioned art as well. The amount of space a character takes up, how exaggerated their motions are, and their body language in general can all speak to their personality. I include these drawings because they're all basic character art - but the variations in posing differentiate them. I once read somewhere in some post about how characters hands should always both have a purpose and it still nags at the back of my mind while I draw even plain poses LOL

Give your character something to do. This also helps you break into larger-scale drawings. Drawing backgrounds, props, angles, all practices that will better your art immensely over time. Ofc, you don't have to do full-blown illustrations all the time if that's not what you want to do, but I'd highly recommend pushing your skills and learning new things. And this doesn't have to be an intense action scene, but just thinking about an environment/situation and how that would affect said character! This goes double for multi-character drawings; characters standing and smiling at eachother? Nice, but boring... Characters doing any activity together? Better! Here's some sketches that are still heavily character focused, but have just a bit of environment and implied story to them that make them more lively.

Now for references! There's hundreds of ways that you can find reference pictures for different scenarios, but often it can be discouraging to not be able to find one that fits your exact vision. I personally prefer just Google image searching whatever I need, but many people use pinterest as well. I also like using 3D model posers to get a more exact reference and understanding of how the body is positioned. My main tip would be that you do NOT have to follow a reference exactly. Feel free to edit a picture and rearrange a models body parts, to combine multiple pictures, to disregard half of the image, edit your sketch, make a new one on top, so on and so forth, THE POINT BEING: a reference picture is a tool, not a law. Don't feel restricted by it. Go nuts.

And as much as I hate to have to recommend it, do the boring practice stuff. Do traditional figure sketching (bonus points if it's timed!), learn about anatomy and line of action and gesture drawing. I unfortunately don't have any video recommendations on it, but I KNOW they're out there for free on YouTube so do some searching! If you wanna jump on in, try out Line Of Action and do some practices there (I HIGHLY recommend doing this on physical paper, not digitally, it just Works Better I swear), but if you've never done figure drawing before, you may need to read up on it. It's more technical and less fun than drawing furries and cartoon fanart, but it's useful and enjoyable in its own right!

I think that's all I've got for you... Hopefully my ramblings here are helpful! I've had about Half a semester of art school so really I'm still learning too LOL but this is the stuff that I found helpful as a beginner :) LMK if you have other questions at all!

[rollercoasterwords]

rae between writing and work and studying do you tend to use to-do lists and planning or just kinda do it? Personally i think im an abnormally chaotic person in like, everything (messy room, incomprehensible notes all over the page, keyslams as titles for important documents, literally refusing to learn sheet music and instead learning tunes w/ relative pitch + watching other ppl play,,, the list goes on) and im also rlly ambitious and i tend to overwork myself a lot w/ my creative writing, art, essays for fun, and studying (cool stuff like lit and mythology and history not boring school stuff) and all that’s in addition to homework and work and tutoring and extracurriculars and competitions so im just constantly freaked out at my own workload. and idk even though im naturally chaotic i find to-do lists to be really,, useful ig. it just helps to get my mind down on paper even if its scrawled in a corner and barely legible (it usually is) and do things without having to use my brain too much. It might have smth to do w just seeing my workload on paper, very finite, that makes it more manageable. ik you tend to have a lot to do too so I was just curious

lol yeah i love a to-do list...not super intense abt it tho during the school year i keep a list of all my assignments w due dates etc in a spreadsheet bc that's the only way i'm able 2 keep track of everything but like when it comes to other stuff i only make to-do lists if i really have a bunch of chores etc that i need to do...been trying to use lists to keep organized w research i need 2 do this summer but it's been #rough....honestly i do feel like being in school often feels more chaotic than like. just working a 9-5. like in school u have 2 keep track of tests + assignments + ur often juggling extracurriculars & part-time jobs, etc...at the points in my life where i've worked a 9-5 it's been so much more manageable schedule-wise like yeah u go into work but then u clock out & ur done...u don't have 2 go home & write a paper etc...

[sleepytimepoet]

I'm alive. Here's amyhn from tn.

Its abt me being sad or whatever. Spurred on by having a heart to heart w my roomie

My love life is like sitting in the windows of a coffee shop on Valentines Day. 

You watch the people walk by wearing splashes of pink and swinging their arms full of gifts and look with their eyes full of stars. And its a shitty coffee shop too. With thin windows so u can hear them giggle their love and the hushed murmurs of chatter. 

You csn feel their hearts race and their pupils expand and the thoughts of "this is my person" to the tune of a perfect pair by beebadoobee. And yet. Youre sitting in an ambiently lit coffee shop with a bitter iced latte that melted thirty minutes ago, but im-youre still sipping on bc y-i cant let it go. 

Its also like working retail on Christmas Day. The store is empty. The shelves are barren but im still there in uniform tending to what remains. Lovingly dusting the shelves and picking up barcodes from stolen items. Every once in a while someone will come in, flustered and red from the cold looking for one last thing. Hot chocolate. Ghiradelli. A stocking. And even though it was out of stock earlier when you looked to uplift your mood, the shelf has one left. And now its gone. 

Again.

Then you return home and the gifts are opened. Theres wrapping paper eveywhere and it smells like dinner. Everyone is glowing like a buttercup is hovering below their bodies. And im still dull, dim, and dark from the soul sucking flourescents. 

Then i see my gifts in the corner. They sit in a dark corner and once you put your stuff down you open them in uniform. And no one is paying attention anymore. You blew it. You missed it. The moment, I mean. 

The gasps and sounds of awe as you show off your treasures. The snickers at gag gifts. The sighs at sentimental ones. All eyes on you for the only time you want it. 

But instead. Its a little dark. And youre sweaty. And hungry. And the air isnt as sweet or welcoming. Its stale. Like a chip with the flavoring licked off and put back in the bag. But no one is looking anyways, so it doesnt matter. 

Its also like graduation, but no one is in the audience. Youre dressed up and pretty, but you know that no one you love is coming. For whatever reason that may be. And you walk across the stage anyway and for some reason you stay and wait like someone is coming for you while everyone around cheers with their loved one and you stand in the middle of it. 

In the mix but not a part of it. 

And after a while of standing around you get in your car and get shitty restaurant food. And have a few shitty drinks. Then a few more. Then more. Then a cigarette or two or three or four. Then you drive home, hoping youll get hit, and stumble into the home to see that everyone got done w their mandstory obligations early. And just didnt come. 

Thats what it feels like. Watching a tv show u love but can't understand even tho its in your language. Reaching ror your phone on the nightstand and its just out of reach. 

Wanting, waiting, watching, and not having.

[audiovisualrecall]

- I have a ton of things that belong hanging up in my closet that constantly are a giant pile on my dresser instead. I hate having to hang clothing up. I start the pile after laundry as a 'to hang up later' and then never do it and each time I wear anything from the pile or pull something else from the closet, after its washed it ends up on the pile, too. I don't know a solution. These things can't be folded bc they get wrinkled, which they currently ARE, and now it also feels silly to hang up wrinkly clothes. I also have to keep the closet door closed when not on use for anxiety reasons, so leaving it open isn't a solution.

-I have a lot of desk drawers sitting empty and the contents and papers etc are in piles and on my desk waiting to be organized and put into drawers but idk how best to use the spaces. Also once my new bookcase is done, the smaller of my current ones will be mostly empty and still in the room (the larger one is what I'm replacing, but the books in the smaller one should also fit in the new bookcase as well) so I'll have additional *open* storage space eventually as well so brain says wait till I can have all options at the same time to organize everything....and not have to do it twice....

-stuffed toys are in a fabric box at foot of my bed, I don't want to keep them hidden away but I don't have anywhere else to put them at the moment. These are the ones I don't want Edison to snatch and drag around the house, he has an entire box of my stuffed toys and beanie babies that are his to carry around. I don't want all the toys on my bed, I have 4 small new ones stacked on my headboard and my iron man tsum on top of my art unit, and a bunch of small toys on top of my curio cabinet on the wall, and a couple scattered around other spots. I have a bunch of Big toys (like my build a bears) and more beanies in the bin and I want to put them somewhere I can see them but they won't be in the way or easily snaggable by a kitty... idk.

-breakfast bar area on main floor is messy in part due to my dried flower collections, since they're taking up horizontal space in dishes and trays. I want to see if putting them in shadow boxes instead will help but haven't bought the boxes yet bc ?????

- spare bedroom/steph's room/guest room is also partly an arts space, craft storage space, and also my etsy business storage. Also materials for other projects as well are in there. But it's also a mess, like half of it is organized and I don't like being upstairs when no one is home and if people are home I'd rather be around them anyway so I don't really work in that room at all, especially since my old easel started failing. I just go in, grab what I need, and go back downstairs to work on art stuff at the dining room table. I Should use the spare room more at least for some projects but idk. Between anxiety and not being sure how to make the space work for my needs, I'm not able to atm.

-need to finish illustrating steph's book already its been ages and I meant to have it done by their wedding and I didn't, and I haven't worked on it in months now. And things are only going to become more stressful with work and current health insurance ending at the end of feb and everything else the next few months. It's hard to find motivation and time to be creative. If I set up at the table with my laptop and tablet today, I'll have to put it away again by this evening bc we do dinner at the table for friday nights. And the setup is bulky which is fine but annoying to have to move around and stuff.

-if I can clear the breakfast bar maybe I can use that space for some projects at least

-theres a lot of 'maybe useful' stuff all over the dining room table as well that I can't decide about and so it continues sitting and messy. I don't know what to do with it even if I keep it. I reorganized my supply drawers and storage and art cart but still no solution to a lot of stuff

-since I mostly work on the table, most of my supplies I need for projects are nearby, which is convenient and means I'll actually use them, rather than forgetting they exist, but also despite neutering and organizing I feel like it's messy bc it's not supposed to be an art studio. Idk a solution.

- I bought an accordion folder for some work related stuff I wanted to put away but I put it in a box temporarily and now I'm not sure I need to keep it all after all but I don't want to have to go thru it but I can't rlly put it in the folder without going thru it anyway. So I'm stuck there too.

[sphylor]

Need structure? Need to feel better? I give you:

Dee's something-step plan to feel much more unfucked!

Wash your face, with as many steps as you can (exfoliating, cleansing, moisturizing, face masks if you feel like it). It provides a nice clean feeling for me, and is a nice step on the feeling alright journey. I like doing it first bc more of me is clean and I wont forget to.

Brush your teeth and drink at least 16oz of water. Same clean feeling reasons for me, and also water is important.

Do like 5 stretches you remember from elementary school (grade school?) PE! Like 2-3 minutes. Still helps

Identify the parts of your living space that are carrying the bad vibes! For me it's the clothing pile on my floor, my little brother's papers near my desk, and the dresser we haven't moved out of my room yet. Write it down if it might help, no matter how messy. Thinking bout this stuff just kinda helps me take stock of what it is I really want or need.

Decide what to do about all of those things! Just write it down for now. Even deciding to leave it be is still a decision. When doing this, consider what you *actually* will go through with. No pressure ofc, if you later realize it won't work you dont have to do it. Again with the evaluation, and it can help establish a feeling of agency (maybe. It could just make you nervous. If so takes break and just do some generic cleaning things)

Carry out as many of the plans as you can, or make the first step to do so. Wash half the dishes, clean off a counter or 2, just put all of your clothes into the laundry and start the wash, throw out bad food or eat those leftovers you've just left sitting there for a while. Getting things done feels nice, especially when you can see and feel results

If you haven't: make your bed and clear up your room a little. Nice spaces to live are important.

When doing that last 2 steps, I do reccomend turning off your phone or putting your computer somewhere else, unless you want music on ofc. Breaks I have taken with success are: walking slow to get water and walking slow back, (not) following that google breathing meditation, and doing the grade school pe stretches again. Do a whole yoga video if you feel like it!

I tried to write out what works for me and my explanations so that you can easily substitute for whatever helps you.

Always remember that doing something is better than doing nothing <3

Now sparkle on! Its Tuesday! Dont forget to be yourself!

Dee thank you so much for this genuinely <333 im gonna fuckin write all this down and pin it to my wall istg hfhajhdhsjdj