#also i didn’t have to pay for anything so that’s a nice detail LMFAO

[ashmp3]

okay i’m home now and i neeeeeded this truly i love my friends i love going out so much AND i also tried casino (cancer boy was right i didn’t like it lmfao hate to admit it though) and mexican firing squad (LOVE i had 3 and i am buzzed to say the least)

[elysianslove]

Hi! <3 I'm the roomate hc anon again (lol) and can I request best friends to lovers hc for iwaizumi, kuroo and oikawa? Also this blog is gonna blow up soon so remember me when you're famous bro 😌✊️❤️

OMG HI AGAIN! i’m so sorry this is late :( but oh my the excitement that flooded through me when i saw this request hsvhjsd. i really hope you enjoy this!! also vshdks i luv u bb THANK YOU.

iwaizumi hajime

im making these as detailed as fuck so i apologize in advance <3

becoming best friends with hajime was a very out of the blue thing 

the two of you shared a lot of classes together, and since you were always seeing each other, you’d choose each other as partners a lot 

you’d sit next to him in all the classes that you could

you’d meet up a lot during school breaks and just hang out 

you two clicked very well honestly, like you found that it was so easy to talk to him, and it was so easy to lose yourself in the conversation 

most of your convos are v mature and sophisticated too like

it’s nice when you can talk to someone on the same brain wavelength as you yk 😼

anyways overtime you’d come to his practice sessions, and even if they were long you’d just stay and watch bc why not

if you had hw to do and he noticed you were a lil stressed about it, he’d tell u to come study while he practiced as a change of scenery and all 

he’d walk you home almost every night at this point

oikawa noticing and being jealous <3 

“they’re stealing you from me!” “they’re not— what is wrong with you oikawa.” 

okay so this best friend stuff has been going on for a long time

long enough for you to realize you wanted more from him

but this is iwaizumi hajime and it’s almost impossible to know what he’s thinking 

like

ever 

so you just keep it to yourself, thinking it’s just a small crush and it’s not worth ruining what the two of you have at this rate 

so all this had happened first year, and when you’re nearing the end of your second year

that’s when you realize that

shit

it’s not just a crush

and when you have feelings for someone, every little thing they do expands a million times in your head

so a hug from him that you’d once never go over twice has you thinking about it as you go to sleep

the hoodies he’d lend you during practice while you stayed in the gym bc it was ungodly cold in there now send tingles down your spine at the lingering scent of him

the way he’d grab your hand to drag you somewhere now leave a heavy effect on your palm, forcing you to trace it once he’s gone 

his texts give you butterflies 

every time his name pops up on your phone screen you have a mini heart attack

and yeah

those are all symptoms of a crush

but is a crush meant to last this long? 

at the start of your third year, you greet him outside of the school gates after not seeing you all summer

he smiles so bright and hugs you so, so tightly 

you already are so hyperaware of how strong iwa is

but the feelings you have for him that won’t go away are so not helping your fixation on the feel of his biceps 

anyways before this becomes v nsfw 

you two catch up like u had met yesterday 

and then at the end of the day, after practice, which you stay for bc u missed ur vbc boys 🥺

he walks you home 

like always

and as he stands by your front door, in a burst of courage, he takes your hand in his and pulls you harshly towards him, pushing his body against yours and capturing your lips in a heated kiss

it’s so messy and harsh and you pretty much collided 

but holy shit

you were pretty sure fireworks erupted when you two kissed

years of pining and what had felt like unrequited love finally being resolved 

it’s the most satisfying feeling ever

you never want to stop kissing him

but alas </3 

when he pulls back, you’re both breathing so heavily 

you’re not sure if it’s the adrenaline or the kiss itself 

and he just looks at you and goes “did u tan while you’re away ur eyes look brighter” 

no sir i am in love with you

when you two officiate things 

he’s actually way shyer than he was as best friends??? 

like as best friends he wouldn’t feel slightly weird about hugging you in public or grabbing at your hand randomly or being seen alone with you

but now like

people know ??? and somehow that scares iwa 

or makes him uncomfortable 

idk he just feels iffy

but ur so understanding bless ur heart <3 

ur so careful with him and take it at his own pace 

zero pda at the start of the relationship 

like he won’t even wanna hug u in front of the seijoh team 

but slowly he warms up 

and he starts getting more comfortable with things like hand holding and occasional pecks on the cheek/lips 

your traditions as best friends don’t die as lovers 

if anything you believe in them even more 

now you watch more diligently during practice 

you proudly attend his games in his jersey, cheering the loudest for him (and for the rest of the boys bc they: best) 

walks home with you are so much more serene 

always gives you a kiss before he parts ways 

idk it’s like some sort of commemoration for your first kiss/confession 

unless you invite him inside 😏

this is so fucking long im so sorry i just love iwa 

anyways anybody want boyfriend!iwa headcanons i got a lot hehe 

to conclude, it was so gradual and inevitable with the two of you, and you’re forever glad it happened when it did and you hadn’t rushed anything <3333

oikawa tōru

unlike hajime, this wasn’t something that took one or two years

this bitch couldn’t admit he was in love with you for like 10 years okay 

you’ve known him for the majority of your life, because you’d always lived in close proximity to each other 

but you were never best friends yk? just acquaintances 

it was around the end of middle school when you two got close

cause you saw he was applying to aoba johsai for high school

and you were like !!! i’m going there too 

at first he was like stop copying me 😾 

you guys had a staring contest bc y’all are idiots and there were legit tears streaming down ur face but u were not about to lose to a pissbaby like him

he blinked 😁👍🏼

and he lost 

and then he decided “you’re my best friend now ” 

anyways aside iwa, he now had someone else he was going into high school with

like it’s a completely new environment but he had two people he very much liked going with him !!! 

when the time came around to like apply for/join clubs, you had been so clueless 

but toru stuck by you !! and he was so adamant on helping you !! 

he would sit with you after school as he practiced tossing with hajime and just brainstorm with you what you liked to do

it’s what brought you two closer together

cause you realized just how many things in common you had with him 

for a full week he tried to help you come up with something

for the sake of this hc let’s say u decide to join the newsletter club 

you’re very wary at first but then he’s like when ur part of it you’ll visit the vbc regularly so u can take pictures/observe to write essays 

the fact that toru would be there kinda set you at ease 

now you’ve never seen toru play properly 

he’s practiced in front of you before

plenty of times

but a proper match? or a practice one? 

never 

so it’s safe to say u were in awe when you got assigned to go watch a practice match against (idk pick a school) 

it’s embarrassing to admit but your eyes were on him the entire time 

thank god he became the captain later on else it’d be so sus 

you really tried to pay attention to anybody else lmfao 

it’s kinda what drew you to him more

you still didn’t really have feelings

you only realized just how passionate he is about everything 

at some point you had an essay to write for your newsletter about the volleyball club

but you were having a hard time like really getting into it

so you immediately just called toru and were like “help 😃” 

he came over and you asked him a bunch of questions, and he would go on deadass 20 min rants for each of them

you were just 

so amazed 

like how could someone have so much passion for something like this?

you realize how but that’s for later

overtime you two got closer bc of how much your work was associated with him

he’s incredible as a best friend 

he’s the first one with the school’s weekly newsletter as soon as it’s out

granted it’s to read the section about him but yk, the sentiment’s there 

also love, love, loves lazy days with you 

he doesnt even care if the boys know that he worships the chick flicks you two watch 

i feel like oikawa would be an avid anime watcher

idk why i just do 

so he’d be blasting anime theme songs on a speaker as you’re in the shower and he’s in your room waiting for you and you’re both just singing w the sound of water rushing down 

actually it’s not just anime songs it’s all songs 

a l l songs 

anyways

so you two get really close, and then he has a super important match coming up 

let’s say it’s the spring interhigh one against karasuno

the one they won

idk im just choosing at random 

and the night before he’s like begging you on text to wear his jersey

he’s like PLEASE NO ONE’S EVER DONE THAT FOR ME

you’re like bruh u have a cult following ????? 

but eventually u say yes

ur not really sure where it’s coming from but this is oikawa he’s an unpredictable as can be

when you show up in a jersey he so conveniently left at your house once

he’s so genuinely shocked even though he was the one that asked for this???

gives you the biggest hug like spins you around and just 

“you’re my lucky charm” 

when he wins 

after celebrating with his team

he runs over to you

and just

he kisses you

full on the mouth

it’s probably the rush and excitement of winning that gave him the courage to finally spill all his feelings out into this kiss

you’re in his jersey, in the stands and you genuinely feel like it’s only just the two of you

despite how sudden it was the kiss is so gentle, like he’d been planning it since forever 

“i told you you’re my lucky charm” he says as he rests his forehead against yours and kisses you gently again

oikawa had already been affectionate as your best friend

always displaying his love outwardly with like always calling out your name so loud whenever he sees you and giving you bone crushing hugs

deadass his 6’0 self will just jump on you 

but now it’s extra

makki always gags around the two of you but you just stick ur tongue out at him and go “ur just mad ur best friend’s getting some pussy/dick and ur not” 

makki then proceeds to shriek at you like a fucking banshee <3 

anyways 

yes 

oikawa best friends to lovers excellence is so cute eeeekkk

and now u always wear his jersey at games 

(u couldnt make it to the game against karasuno where they lost for whatever reason and he held it against u for the longest time)

(“maybe if a certain someone were there we wouldn’t have lost”)

what a big baby you love him

kuroo tetsurō

AH SEXY CHEMISTRY NERD 👅👅👅

kuroo as ur best friend 

im frothing 

i feel like you’d grow close after meeting at an event or something 

like you’re a friend of a friend of a friend 

i see kuroo as someone who’s so suave and cool and flirty with people he doesn’t have feelings for

but put the crush factor in and he’s a mess

like his brain just stops working

so when he first met you

he thought u were so fucking hot 

but that’s it

his lower body was doing all the thinking <3 

so he was so flirty 

and that’s essentially what your friendship is built off of 

and when friends are so flirty with each other, they generally grow close and trust each other really quickly 

ur not a nekoma student but ur in tokyo so you meet up often 

you just

it’s so nice to be around him

you find it so easy to just be yourself around him 

going out with him is super fun 

and a lot of the times you guys have study dates and you literally don’t talk except during the 10 min breaks you two take

it’s just hyper focus for the two of you which is great

he really channels the best student in you what a man ! 

i think during your third year of high school you two got insanely close

because you were highly unsure if you were gonna leave japan or stay 

so you wanted to make the most out of everything 

so you’d go out with him more often

he’d stay during the weekends and you two would like bake christmas goods all night even if it’s literally september lmfao

cuddling is so natural 

like you’re both so touchy with each other but not in a weird way just a super comfortable kind of way

like if you’re shorter than him, he’s always leaning his arm on you like you’re his arm rest 

it’s a win win bc he gets to touch you and tease you

wow the horny really jumped out in that one

anyways

you go to every single one of his games !!

cheer him on so!! fucking!! loud!!

you probably make a provocative sign and stand a chair and just wave it around and kuroo’s so heart eyes lmfao

the climb up to becoming lovers is so

natural? 

i think kuroo first realizes that maybe, yk, he wants those flirtatious comments to mean something and those random touches to hold more romantic value to them, when you two are out together

it’s a completely chill day and it’s not really warm not really chilly. you’re just comfortable 

he takes you to a park after buying the both of you ice cream from the stand across the street and sits down at a bench with you

just people watching 

and then it kinda goes really silent

but 

it’s not awkward??? like at all???

he’s not looking to fill the silence with any random words

he’s just

enjoying simply being with you

and he glances at you momentarily and it hits him like so hard just how pretty you are 

his eyes slightly widen like

holy fuck

what the f u ck

remember when i said he’s all cool until feelings come into play

yeah 😼

he literally freezes up and blurts out, without even meaning to, “i think i have feelings for you.” 

he really didnt even process he said that

you kinda

pause for a second

and then you realize what you said and you just smile and lean over towards him, lifting your thumb up to the corner of his lips and brushing away some ice cream

“you think?” you tease, and then at the spot where the ice cream was misplaced, you placed a gentle kiss

he kinda relaxes and then eyes you as he says, “i know.” 

it is just. heaven after that

i think the two of you would be less flirty around each other once becoming official 

like yeah he definitely comments once or twice every now and then and don’t get me wrong, so do you

but it’s just less frequent 

like a blanket has been lifted to uncover the true, hidden meanings behind the comments and you can now just breathe easier 

you two end up in the same uni on accident hevejsk

like you had a long ass talk about how it’s okay if you didn’t end up in the same uni you’d still make it work

and it would’ve worked tbh

fate just ships you two too much

when you told each other you were literally that spiderman meme of the two spidermen pointing at each other lmao

power couple of the uni

power couple of tokyo

power couple of japan

you’re literally so happy with him you wouldn’t trade him for the world 

and maybe you saw it coming 

but it still remains a shock whenever you wake up and he’s there laying next to you, smiling lazily at you before reaching over to give you a gentle kiss 

anyways happy early birthday king i love you kuroo hehe

end note; i really had a lotta fun w this one omg!! thank you again for requesting, anon, and i hope everybody else enjoyed!! feel free to request, mwah <3

[sweettodo]

LMFAO- can u headcannon the aot warriors + y/n in a zoom meeting. and y’know y/n a little baddie and wears a revealing outfit 😩😏

i just saw this tiktok of some fanart of them in a zoom meet and it was the cutest thing EVERRRR.

EREN-

• doesn’t even bother to get out of bed, he just rolls over, picks his laptop from the floor and joins the zoom only to fall back asleep.

• levi constantly attempts to get his attention, and eren doesn’t even budge.

• seldom awake, but when he IS, he will usually interrupt to ask a stupid question: ‘hange where did you get that cool plant?’ or ‘jean i smell you through the zoom call, did you shower today?’

• enjoys changing his background to an odd photo of jean or one of his friends.

• hange will be the first to kick eren out of the zoom, and it’s not like mr. jaeger cares or anything.

• not to mention, he leaves his camera on too. so everyone sees shirtless eren passed out under the blankets with not a regard in the world.

• eats while on the call.

• one day, ( he still thanks god he was awake to see this ) you were working out in the morning before realizing you were already 10 minutes late to your meeting.

• jumping on to the meeting, sweaty, in a revealing sports bra and shorts, you’re apologizing profusely to levi and hange for being late.

• ‘lookin’ good y/n’ eren cackles, but what you or your friends realizing was that eren was now breathless, trying not to stare at you with every bit of will-power he could muster up.

• ‘seems that eren’s pretty awake now, heh’ jean taunts, eren quickly turns off his camera, so he could enjoy looking at you, who decided to wear... that

JEAN-

~ also likes to change his background, plays on his xbox with or without connie, headphones on his head and screaming while levi is muting jean to proceed talking.

~ jean has the pc set up and everything with the two monitors and the colorful custom pc.

~ eren makes fun of him because he uses a microphone. like the ones that have the stand and everything.

~ his room is never fully lit. he used leds, ( blue or green tbh ) shades are always closed.

~ ‘jean, turn off the game. now’ hange swears she tells him everyday.

~ ‘hey jean, didn’t you wear that sweatshirt last time? do you have any other clothes?’ eren ridicules, of course interrupting levi, who’s talking.

~ ‘i see the crumbs on your bed, jaeger!’

~ jean finds himself staring at you once you joined the call, wearing a... revealing... tank top with a very generous bra. his mouth growing increasingly dry.

~ he assumes that no one seems to notice, but when his friends see that he’s quite literally frozen in place, mouth slightly open as he’s looking at your chest.

~ ‘jean’

~ no answer.

~ ‘jean!’

~ ‘hu- yeah, yes?’

~ ‘is your internet having issues? you’re frozen’

MIKASA-

: sits at her desk, she has a picture collage of her, eren and armin on her wall.

: pristine white walls, very clean.

: always needs to call eren to wake him up before the meeting so he doesn’t miss it.

: if she forgets to call eren to wake him up, he blames her for missing the meeting.

: mikasa and armin are always firsts to the meeting.

: she always speaks, and fully participates.

: levi and hange usually are apt to call on her first for her opinions.

: she never turns her camera off, she’s wearing a comfortable but appropriate outfit, jeans and a blouse or shorts and a t shirt.

: sends group emails, for literally whatever reason.

: compliments others backgrounds ( their rooms ).

: reminds eren that his room is a pigsty and he needs to get out of bed, ‘eren, it’s 11:30am, get up.’

: ‘jean, you need to make your bed once and awhile’

: she always compliments what you’re wearing too, ‘i love that top y/n, where’d you get it?’

: and will have absolutely no problem with putting the boys in their place when she catches them gawking at you.

: ‘you guys are like dogs’

: she tells levi to kick them from the meet if they keep staring at you.

ARMIN-

∘ always early.

∘ room is neat, warm looking and he sits on the edge of his bed with his laptop in his lap.

∘ most talkative one here besides levi and hange.

∘ also calls eren every morning to ensure he’s awake.

∘ armin has a notebook and pencil next to him, constantly writing down notes.

∘ always has a presentation ready, a powerpoint or a document to show everyone.

∘ usually sticks to casual, t shirt and jeans.

∘ room is well lit, camera and mic are always on.

∘ also reminds the others to pay attention and be quiet, pleading with them, ‘guys, captain levi is trying to talk.’ also always lectures eren to get out of bed once and awhile.

∘ he doesn’t really pay much attention to what the others are wearing, but he can’t help but glance a few times at your outfit for the day.

∘ it makes his heart pound of his chest when you move to stretch or prop for hand under your chin to listen, your chest on display, arms squeezing them together only a little. he was in awe, swallowing hard and trying not to blush.

∘ avoiding you at all costs.

∘ armin won’t admit it, but he’s a hypocrite, so he’s gonna lecture the boys not to objectify you and tells you that he’s sorry for their immaturity.

∘ but yet here he is.

LEVI-

» cup of tea ready.

» sits at his dining room table.

» dreads having to do the zoom meet, so he’s pretty short tempered the whole time.

» wearing a button up per usual.

» well lit, has a plant in the corner of the room, most likely a cat in the windowsill.

» very english teacher-esque.

» swears the whole time at eren.

» kicks eren and jean out almost every zoom meeting.

» relies on armin for detailed information and analysis’

» needed to ask hange in secret how to present his screen, pin / mute people because he was pretty inept at computers for the most part.

» doesn’t use the mouse pad on his laptop, he connects a mouse because he despises that stupid mouse pad.

» the second he sees what you’re wearing, he shakes his head, ‘tch, i can hear these hounds now’

» yells at the boys to stop being perverts.

CONNIE-

‣  similar to jean, he also used led’s most of the time.

‣  has posters on his walls of music artists, shows, games and people

‣  he sits at his desk, which is cluttered, occasionally plays video games ( not as much as jean )

‣  zones out, looking at something random and blocks out a lot of what hange and levi says.

‣  yawns like 80 times in the span of an hour.

‣  drinks soda, or surfs the web.

‣  his bed is made, and he wears sweatshirts and sweats because like eren, he just got out of bed too.

‣  though connies bed is made, he still has clothes littered here and there, has a rack of shoes in the corner of his room ( he’s a sneaker head )

‣  most likely to not turn his camera on because he leaves the room to do god knows what.

‣  plays imessage games during the call.

‣  teases eren constantly.

‣  he won’t be AS dog-ish when he sees what you’re wearing, but he will say to himself, ‘she has some pretty nice tits’ and will probably text jean saying exactly that. but then he just moved on with his day.

‣  presents memes before the meeting to try and get levi to laugh. it doesn’t work.

HANGE-

≈ shes on her couch.

≈ wears casual outfits.

≈ ushers the boys to participate.

≈ very upbeat and happy.

≈ first person to make an interactive slideshow to get everyone to participate.

≈ shes into sending levi cat memes.

≈ has a cup of coffee next to her, plants and pictures of plants on her wall.

≈ likes to unmute people purposely if their mic is muted.

≈ emails back and fourth with armin and levi for plans for the upcoming meetings.

≈ she will not tolerate anyone disrespecting one another. kicking the boys out to stop them from harassing you about what you’re wearing.

HISORIA-

‹ her room is like a oasis, pastel walls, the vines on her walls and everything.

‹ diffuser in the background and incense.

‹ shes drinking coffee, always dressed, makeup on ( if she chooses to wear it ) and she attends these meetings on her laptop, sitting in front of her vanity.

‹ wears pretty blouses, or a summery dress, hair always fixed to perfection.

‹ sometimes her mom comes in, with cut up fruit and ice water, giving it to her and then leaving.

‹ she has framed pictures of her and everyone on her wall.

‹ also has honor roll certificates on her wall.

‹ she makes sure her vanity light is on so she has good lighting.

‹ also takes notes- color coordinating notes.

‹ she does participate, she laughs at the boys when they act up.

‹ also compliments everyone.

‹ when she catches the boys looking at you, she tells levi to make them knock it off, and then shakes her head in disappointment, ‘you all are so weird, leave y/n alone, you’re making her uncomfortable’

YMIR-

≍ shes usually propped up on her side, laying on her bed or the couch.

≍ she doesn’t participate unless she’s chosen to.

≍ keeps quiet, pays good attention.

≍ she sticks to wearing a sweatshirt and shorts or just a t shirt and leggings.

≍ clean room, warm blue sheets and gray walls.

≍ she gets furious when jean and eren go at it.

≍ shes gonna defend you against the boys pertaining to what you’re wearing, saying, ‘take your dirty eyes off of her’

≍ she doesn’t mind what you’re wearing, she thinks you look really good, but you wouldn’t catch her dead making a comment on your body.

≍ won’t admit it but it makes her flustered seeing how your body looks.

SASHA-

⇝ sits at her kitchen table.

⇝ eating full meals while the meeting takes place.

⇝ doesn’t hesitate to talk when her mouth is full so levi keeps her muted.

⇝ house is very home-y, warm and decorated well, her kitchen is seen in the background with her mom or dad occasionally walking past.

⇝ sometimes asking her mom to make her another sandwich, ( after her third one ).

⇝ always laughing with connie and jean.

⇝ sticks to casual outfits, sweatshirt and leggings, hair always up.

⇝ no filter, so if she catches eren or jean looking at you, she’s gonna jump into action.

⇝ ‘i know you’re not looking at her like that!’

⇝ ‘you better stop looking at her before i go over there!’

⇝ ‘captain if you don’t kick these fools out right now i’ll go over there and kick their asses instead!’

[notepadsandtealeaves]

The Karasuno Boys || Love You Like I Do (Former) Third Years Edition

MINORS/AGELESS BLOGS DO NOT INTERACT || 18+ ONLY ||

|| ao3 version | series m.list | hq tag | other m.lists | main blog ||

|| Characters: Asahi A. | Daichi S. | K. Sugawara

Can we just take a moment to appreciate the ways these boys love on you?

↠ Inspired in part by @screamin-abt-haikyuu​’s post. She said she’s starting an Asahi fan club and this is just me paying my dues lmao…

↠ Requested By: Literally no one, I just woke up with an urge lol… ↠ Reader Gender: Neutral ↠ Content Type: SFW that’s full of fluffy affection ((but my blog’s 18+ so if minors want to consume my sfw stuff while still respecting my wishes of them staying out of this space, they can head over to my AO3)) ↠ Chronology: Post time skip ↠ CWs/TWs: There’s some talk of anxiety and generally dark thoughts in Asahi’s section—the former on both his and Reader’s part, the latter solely on Reader’s part. I don’t go super into detail, but there are mentions so I thought I’d give anyone who needs it a head’s up. It’s a p. short section, and I partitioned it off with a ‼ so that it’s easy to avoid. Also canon-typical rudeness/disrespek towards my boy because the people back in his hometown were a buncha goobers that couldn’t appreciate what a precious gift he is lmao… ↠ ((also me generally side-eyeing every cop that isn’t Daichi, and Koshi Sugawara being Koshi Sugawara)) ↠ Betas? Lmao, nah… ↠ Total WC: ~5k

Alternative title: A Not-so-Brief Foray into Character Analyses, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Tangents

These low-key turned into small character studies/relationship analyses, more so than what I intended, but we’re just gonna go with it.

Anyways!

At current I’m anime only—just started season 3—and this is my first time writing for this fandom, so if anyone’s OOC or anything’s inaccurate/doesn’t vibe with canon blame it on that because I certainly will lmao.

Buuut that’s enough talking from me. (Hopefully) Enjoy!!

Asahi Azumane will always make sure that you feel seen. || WC: ~1.8k

Again, CWs/TWs for mentions of Asahi’s canon-typical anxiety/low self-esteem and the mistreatment that helped to cause it all. I don’t get super deep into it, but it is touched upon. Also brief talk about Reader’s own battle with such things. It’s p. abstract and again, v. brief, but if you wanna skip all that avoid the ‼ and the corresponding bullet points.

↠ Let it first be said that this is a Asahi Azumane appreciation blog. Asahi is and always will be Number One Best Boy in my heart, and I will not hesitate to maim for him lmao.

↠ Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

↠ As shy as he is sweet, getting Asahi to the point where you’re actually in a relationship with him is a feat (I swear I didn’t mean for that to rhyme, good goddamn what a start lmfao). Hell, even just becoming friends with him takes far more effort than it should given how naturally nice he is.

↠ I personally believe that by the time he hits his mid-twenties he’s gotten a handle on the worst of his anxieties as he wouldn’t be able to navigate the fashion industry and all of its viciousness the way he needs to otherwise.

This change is due in large part to finally getting out of his hometown and away from all of the (frankly rude) people there. In college he didn’t have to deal with all of the preconceptions that hounded him before.

In fact he was shook when he discovered that what once worked against him now netted him a new, more interesting kind of attention.

The compliments he now received lacked the dreaded ‘buts’ that he’d been so accustomed to before, and honestly he wasn’t really sure what to do with that.

He floundered a lot, but eventually he grew into a man that, while not always comfortable in most places (including his own skin) could at least hold his own.

((He’s p. much the posterchild for ‘fake it ‘til you make it’, tbh lol.))

↠ He’s still a shy, sensitive bean, but he’s doing His Best™ and honestly it ain’t half bad.

↠ Still, everything pulls hard to port when he meets you.

You’re just so… everything that’s wonderful in this world.

You’re funny and smart and charming and beautiful both inside and out.

And kind. Always so very, very kind no matter how weird he makes things, and boy does he make it weird more often than not.

It’s like all the social graces he’s spent the last two decades cultivating instantly vault themselves out the gd window when you come around.

He turns right back into the stutter-y, blush-y mess of a boy that he was back in high school which naturally means that your encounters always devolve into these mortifying ordeals that he wants to nope out of ASAP.

He doesn’t want to subject either of you to any of that so he’ll do his best to avoid you as much as possible.

↠ It’s obvious to anyone who spends any amount of time around the pair of you that he’s got the fattest crush on you—that you yourself are included in this number would absolutely end him if he knew lmao.

Fortunately (??) for him he’s too caught up in his own head to see that you aren’t at all opposed to his interest so he gets to live to see another day.

But honestly even if he knew he would still be so hesitant about acting on it.

He can barely even talk to you without doing something dumb. In fact, he cannot think of one interaction—not fucking one!—that you’ve had thus far that hasn’t left him wanting to punch himself in the face because how can one grown ass man be this consistently socially inept??

↠He is literally unable to function around you, so more avoidance it is–

↠ –or it would be if he could actually manage to stay away from you.

Despite his best efforts he can’t seem to keep your paths from crossing. It’s like you’ve got your own magnetic field, one that’s attuned to him specifically.

You draw him in with your continued kindness in the face of his awkward fumbling, hold him in suspension with the roll of your laughter and your pretty smiles and witty retorts…

↠ Yeah, dude’s down bad, but he’s still not sure that any attempts at flirtation are a good idea. But making friends… Well that’s innocent enough, yeah? It couldn’t actually hurt, right?

↠ Wrong.

↠ So very, very, very wrong.

↠ In fact he’s p. sure that he’s never been more wrong about something in his gd life.

↠ He laments asking his other so-called ‘friends’ for advice, and curses himself just as adamantly for listening because he is now living in his own personal hell.

As you grow closer he only falls deeper and deeper into things—and how could he not, when you’re clearly perfection incarnate?

The crush that he’d been nursing soon turns into something far too big to be contained within the confines of his chest. There’s literally nothing about you that he doesn’t like, a thing that should be impossible and yet here he is, daydreaming about the way you customize your morning drink, like wtf?

Why is that so endearing??

This is sad, he’s sad (in more ways than one), somebody hold him pls.

((*volunteers as tribute*))

↠ Eventually all of those feelings are going to burst out of him in the form of an unplanned confession.

Luckily for him it’s being said to the sweetest person he knows.

Luckier still is the fact that you share his feelings and have for a while now.

Once you get everything out in the open and mostly sorted please take the initiative and kiss this man before he vibrates his soul clean outta his body lmao.

It’ll definitely bluescreen him, but honestly at that point he could do with the reset…

↠ …annnd idk when this turned into a relationship origin story, but whatever lmao.

↠ Anyways!

↠ Once the pair of you settle into being a ‘we’, you’re both pleasantly surprised to find that he becomes a lot more confident.

That’s what you do to and for him. You’re a safe place, a confidant, the one person he can air out every melancholy, self-depreciating thought that tries to take root in his head without fear of judgement.

You bring the best out of him and he strives to do the same for you. And, to the surprise of literally no one who knows him, he more than succeeds in his self-appointed task.

((Ugh, he’s just so good, y’all, he makes my heart ache. Your honor, I love him so damn much—lemme kith, pls 😭))

↠ It’s already been shown numerous times throughout the series just how intuitive Asahi is in general. He’s kindhearted by nature, extremely emotionally aware (oftentimes to a fault), and can read those closest to him like a book. So when it comes to anything that concerns his partner he’s basically a them-specific encyclopedia.

He p. much always knows when you’re feeling a certain type of way—be that good or bad. Either way he’s gonna elevate you.

So if you’re already in a good mood he’s gonna do his best to make it even better, and if you’re feeling down he’s gonna do whatever it takes to change that.

He also knows what it’s like to be perceived, but not seen, is well-versed in the detriments that come along with having baseless labels foisted on you because of shallow observations and impersonal glances. And he especially knows how bad careless words spoken by the inconsiderate can hurt.

For the whole of his teen years he had to deal with people saying some of the wildest/meanest shit about him just because he looked a certain way. He did his best to shrug it off, but he’d be lying if he said it didn’t wear on him.

Unsurprisingly, being constantly told that you look like a delinquent/lack all confidence/are a disappointment for various reasons does not help with one’s self-esteem 😩

So when he sees that other people’s opinions and expectations are starting to drag you down into that negative headspace that he knows far too well he’s always quick to let you know that he sees you.

The real you—the one with hopes and dreams and aspirations and talents and so, so much potential for all things great and amazing.

‼ Even when you don’t want him to see you, he still does.

He sees those parts that you think are less than—the ugly thoughts and doubts that you harbor, the fears that you’re ever striving to conquer, the mental scars that have still yet to heal…

He won’t drop his eyes just because you’re not at your best. There’s nothing that you can say, do, have previously endured, or are currently trying to survive that would make him turn away.

He really is your partner in truth, and he’s more than willing to stand at your back and hold you up, bearing your weight and loving you so tenderly through it all.

↠ He’s the world’s best hypeman, tbh.

He’s kinda like Hinata in that way, just without the ridiculous levels of energy lol.

Well, most of the time.

He can be pretty silly when he wants to be, especially if it’s gonna put a smile on that cute face of yours. You’ve made him feel so much more comfortable and confident in himself, more than he ever thought possible, really, and he’s so very thankful for that.

He knows that there’s no scale in need of balancing, but still he cannot help but to feel the need to give something back to you. If he were to ever voice this he’s sure that you would tell him that just having him happy and whole is more than enough, but since you’re already getting that…

Well that just makes everything else he does a bonus, yeah? And who doesn’t want more of a good thing?

So yeah, he has no problems with making a fool of himself for you. But like only you, and only in the confines of your home lol. His anxiety’s gotten a lot better, but it hasn’t evaporated completely, more’s the pity…

↠ But even when he’s acting out (or acting up) his stare has weight, his eyes piercing through you with all of the love and passion and care that he has for you, and pinning your heart into place.

↠ Sometimes it feels overwhelming to the point where you’ll ask him to look away, but he could never–

“I love you way too much for that, sweetheart. Honestly I can barely even stand to blink when I’m around you…”

↠ Like… What are you even supposed to do with that??

↠ (Bask in it, that’s what. Bask and live the gd dream.)

↠ Asahi’s love is a gentle, fathomless thing whose all-consuming depths you will gladly get lost in.

Daichi Sawamura will always make sure that you feel safe. || WC: 1.5k~

Last CW for slight shade tossed at the entirety of my country’s police force because this 2D paper cop is doing it better than they could ever hope to lol…

↠ Ahh yes, Best Boy No. 2. ((aka one of only like 5 men, fictional or otherwise, that I would let father my children lmaooo))

↠ I know this is a theme that’s been touched on by other writers a hundred times over, but there’s a reason for that, honestly.

Look at this man and tell me that he doesn’t radiate all things safety.

You can’t, can you? That’s what I thought lol.

↠ Daichi’s one of the most grounded people you’ll ever meet, not that life’s ever given him much of a choice in the matter as he’s the oldest of five children.

And for some reason I always picture at least two of his siblings as being little shits. Not like super terrible, but basically smaller versions of Noya and Tanaka; lots of energy, low-key mouthy (until he gives them The Look™, anyways), and constantly underfoot.

That’s why he’s able to handle the disaster duo so well—he had years of practice well before he even knew they existed lmfao.

He’s never really had the luxury of being irresponsible or overly immature. Where some would have grown bitter over things, he took them in stride, thrived even.

↠ Being the natural leader that he is, dude actually likes being the HBIC lol. And that’s good because in most situations he ends up being the one in charge whether he volunteered or not.

It all goes back to that aura of safety I talked about before. Daichi just gives off this energy that says he knows wtf he’s doing; even if you only having a passing relationship with him, you can still confidently say that he’s someone that can be trusted with most things.

This goes a long way in making him such a good an effective cop. After all, you’re not much good to your community if they cannot trust you ((*side-eyes the entirety of my country’s police force*))

↠ But none of this is to say that he’s never felt the weight of his responsibilities because of course he has—in fact you could fairly make the argument that he feels things too deeply at times.

His shoulders are broad and able to bear far more weight than most, but at the end of the day he’s still just a man.

But even when situations are at their grimmest he rarely if ever feels the urge to give up entirely.

This is a man that doesn’t understand, or even acknowledge, the concept of a complete and total defeat—he just isn’t built that way.

He may get knocked back a square or several, but that only ever ends with him going at things harder and with even more determination than before.

With Daichi Sawamura it’s always a matter of ‘when’, not ‘if’.

It’s one of his most admirable qualities, I think (tho it certainly has the potential to be somewhat intimidating, but like in a low-key sexy way lmao).

↠ In the same way that stepping into the role of captain was natural for him back in high school, becoming your rock and protector in the now is just as natural.

He always wants to take care of his baby, always wants to be the first one you turn to when life gets too rough for you to face alone.

Hell, even when things aren’t dire he still loves it when you to lean on him; it’s made all the more special then because you’re doing it out of want and not desperation or need.

But none of this means that he’s looking to force any roles on either of you or anything toxic like that. He trusts you to know your own mind/be able to take care of yourself, and respects your autonomy completely.

You were a fully functional human being before he came into your life, and he knows that if he were to leave it for whatever reason that you would continue to be one—this is why he appreciates the trust you show him when you do allow him to help shoulder your problems.

↠ Being wired the way he is, he also knows far better than most how hard it can be to admit that you need support, so he’s always so very proud of you whenever you seek out help from anyone.

Naturally he’d prefer for it to be him you ask, but he’s emotionally mature enough to know that he can’t be your everything always and at all times, nor should he be—that shit’s not healthy.

↠ But anyways!

↠ He’s protective by nature, and while that certainly applies to all things physical, it carries over into every other aspect of your relationship as well.

Daichi always wants you to be whole and happy in every conceivable way, and he helps to facilitate this by making sure that you always feel secure—both in yourself and what the two of you share, so he’ll never give you reason to doubt anything ever.

He’s not the type to indulge randoms who try to flirt with him. Tbh he gets high-key offended, like?

Can you not see how happy and content he is?? Do you really think he could be that way if he didn’t have such an amazing partner???

And omg, if y’all are married. Bruh.

He will flash his ring finger so damn fast and with all the same energy and intonation of flipping the bird lmfao…

↠ He’s definitely the type to let everyone know that he’s taken, but he doesn’t do it in an obnoxious way—really it’s more akin to a subconscious habit.

It doesn’t matter who it is he’s talking to, if he’s having a conversation you’ll inevitably come up. The initial subject is also irrelevant as he’ll always find a way to weave you into it, but it’s always such an organic thing that it doesn’t actually annoy whoever he’s talking to.

It helps that he doesn’t drag it out; it’s usually just something like “Oh yeah, ____ does the same thing.” or a quick little anecdote.

And honestly it’s just so sweet to witness because whenever he speaks about you a subtle smile pulls at his lips even as it lights up his eyes, and his voice takes on this gentleness that basically labels you as the love his life even if he never actually says that you’re a couple.

↠ And don’t get me started on the way he looks at you whenever you’re within sight.

God. It’s so damn gooey and tender and full of so, so much love like… *insert wistful sigh here*

I swear you’ll have to fight so damn hard to keep from melting on the spot and-or going over and kissing him breathless.

((He’s too damn powerful—somebody stop this man…))

↠ And ofc we can’t not talk about how whenever he’s with you, you always feel damn near untouchable.

Seriously, he’s just like the safest person ever despite being a cop lmao. ((It’s p. damn sad that the only cop I know of that’s worth trusting is, in actuality, not only fictitious, but a fucking drawing, but I digress.))

He’s a very steadying and calming presence in your life, and even if he didn’t go out of his way to make it obvious, you know that the only time he won’t be by your side is when he’s at your back.

It doesn’t matter what you require, if it falls under the purview of what he has to give, it’s yours. And if not, he’s gonna do everything within his power to get you what you need.

(He’ll do this to his own deficit, btw, so make sure to guard his heart and well-being as carefully as he does yours.)

↠ But uhh, as lovely as emotional support is, can we just take a second to talk about the more physical aspect?

Dai may not be the biggest guy height-wise, but baby boy is thiccc (with an extra ‘C’ for all that body, like goddamn boy save some for the rest of ‘em lmao). And you just know that he gets even beefier the older he gets—and honestly? I’m living for it.

Add to that how damn intimidating he can be when he turns it on (and even just in general given his build/persona) and mfs know better than to run up on either of you.

↠ Word definitely gets around that you’re his partner and thusly off limits for any and all manners of fuckery lmao. It may take you a bit to notice this, but if you decide to bring it up to him once you do–

“I can’t say I’m mad at it, honestly. What? I’m just happy I can keep my baby safe, even when I’m not actively trying.”

↠ He’s very ‘sorry, not sorry’ about the whole thing, not that you should have expected anything different.

The only way to get rid of that smug little grin is to kiss it off of his stupidly handsome face.

Ugh. Such a gd chore, seriously 😒

((Lol, jk, if you won’t do it slide to the side and allow me…))

↠ Daichi’s love is like the perfect hug, one that shelters without suffocating and leaves contentment coiling around the whole of your being.

Koshi Sugawara will always make sure that you feel supported. || WC: 1.7k~

Koshi Sugawara is his own warning, tbh. But other than his usual trollery there’s nothing problematic to be found here.

↠ Another well beaten drum, I know, but there’s a reason we all call him Sugamama say it.

↠ You’ve seen the way he looks out for his teammates and friends, and that’s saying nothing of his chosen vocation.

Dude’s a teacher, a job that when done properly requires to you be a paragon of patience and support to and for you students.

Speaking of which, they’re all so lucky because you just know he’d be the best teacher ever. Kind, fun, fair, and not willing to put up with fuck-shit from bullies and the like.

But he definitely likes to keep up fuck-shit with you because he’s such a little troll, like… How can someone have a face that damn sweet, but be that damn impish??

↠ Okay, so this is about to be a big ass digression that has v. little to do with the theme of this HC, but that’s my thing and Imma just lean into it.

↠ So like a relationship with Koshi Sugawara would have the most wholesomely chaotic energy ever, I swear to god…

On the one hand he’s this responsible adult type human, but on the other he’s very much the ‘I’m here to sow chaos and quote memes and I’m all out neither’ type (ah, the duality of man lmao).

And you cannot convince me that he’s not the type to quote Vines in his day-to-day—you just can’t.

He also still uses really outdated meme formats from like the early 2000s, partly because he’s stubborn, but mostly just to piss people off. Definitely has the templates saved on his laptop, phone, and tablet (and backed up to a flashdrive as well as Google Docs, just in case) so that he can whip one out whenever he needs to.

Most friendships are ruined by blue shells in Mario Kart or psychological manipulation in Among Us or cheap ass midair jump attacks in Smash, but Suga’s are constantly on the verge of crumbling because he won’t stop making Y U NO memes in this the Year of our Lord 2021.

Tanaka is legit crying as he begs him to at least move into the current decade and use a swole doge meme (to which he replies with a customized classic doge post that reads ‘much mental anguish, so cry, Wow’), Noya wants to body him, and Daichi blocked his number the minute the first rage face made an appearance in the group chat.

Kags and Tsukki were never in the GC per their adamant insistence so they have no idea what’s going on and that’s probably for the best because gods only know how they’d react. Tho tbh Kageyama probably wouldn’t see what the problem is since he’s like 10,000 years behind on meme culture and Tsukki would just delete his number altogether lmao.

Hinata’s co-signing, and Yams and the rest are all too scared to comment—well except for Asa, surprisingly. For him it’s less apprehension, and more ‘I’m not getting paid to deal with this headache’. He’s content enough to sit back and watch his friend group implode while sipping a drink and giving his bae real-time updates lol…

((These boys, is2g, smh…))

If he ever tried this shit with Kiyoko or Yachi they’d probably just ask him to stop (the latter on the grounds of it giving her anxiety because big yikes my guy, what decade are you living in??), and he would because you don’t fuck with the team’s sweethearts even now.

(That’s not mentioning the fact that Miss Shimizu would take a special trip to his house just to go upside his head if he didn’t lol.)

So yeah, Suga is a hardcore millennial memelord—this is it, this is the hill I die on.

↠ ((So I’m really out here just writing digressions within my digressions like it’s okay, huh? Just some straight up digress-ception shit. What even am I doing anymore?? Whatever, it’s not a digression if I keep it going so let’s just roll with it.))

↠ If you didn’t love them from the start, the memes are something that you as his partner will grow immune to fairly quickly for self-preservation reasons, which means he’ll have to find new ways to get under your skin.

What? Gentle trolling is one of his love languages, and if you’re able to hang with him, or better yet beat him at his own game, he’ll honestly love you just that little bit more.

Eventually you two become the couple that your friends kinda want to strangle because you’re always up to something. Even when you’re not they still don’t trust you because when you’re being quiet/normal it usually just means you’re plotting some shit lol.

Whenever he’s questioned about your shared questionable habits, Suga will usually just say that “It’s better to be feared than loved” before flashing a devious grin because quoting The Prince isn’t foreboding enough, smh…

↠ This man is a whole ass mess, but honestly I wouldn’t have him any other way. And it’s not as if he’s constantly using his powers for annoyance. He knows when to cut back and-or turn it off completely.

Plus! His meddling has led to some of his friends settling down with their significant others.

*cough*he’s definitely the one that talked Asa into pursuing a friendship with the person that is now his partner/the absolute love of his life*cough*

He always seems to know what to say to motivate people to be their best selves—even if they’re initially doing so out of spite lmao…

↠ ((…and now that I’ve gotten that fuckery out of my system—I now return you to your regularly scheduled HC…))

↠ Suga puts the whole of himself—heart, mind, body, and soul—into your relationship.

Much like Asahi (and all of the boys, tbh) he’s really in sync with all of your moods, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise to you when he tells you exactly what you need to hear just when you need to hear it.

He knows that self-motivation can only carry you so far, esp. if you’re not feeling it, Mr. Krabs, but luckily that’s what he’s here for!

In fact that’s one of his favorite facets of a relationship, your buoying one another as needed. In the same way that you know that you can always lean on/look to him for support, he knows that the inverse is just as true and he really just loves that??

There’s just something about knowing that there’s someone out there who will always have his back no matter what, always make sure that he’s okay, always pick him first… Gods. He just, he really loves you, okay? So, so much…

↠ Both you and what you share is just so damn precious to him, and he thanks any entity that cares to listen on the daily for putting you in his life.

You’re just such a blessing to him and he never ever forgets that, and he certainly doesn’t take you for granted.

He’ll always do whatever it takes to keep you happy, healthy, and whole, and if that means holding your hand while you march into the gaping maw of hell itself then he’ll gladly do it with fire in his eyes and a smile on his face.

↠ We already know that he’s not the type for rolling over, ever (I mean, look at how hard he fought for his team even after being removed from the starting lineup—in his third and final year—for a gd first year wunderkind setter), and he won’t allow you to either.

He’s a pusher, but not in such a way as to seem, well, pushy. It’s more like he won’t let you give up on yourself when he knows that you’re more than capable of doing all things so long as you put your mind to it.

He’ll always support you and your dreams no matter what, and in whatever way you need him to.

If you want a cheerleader he’s got you.

Need someone to set and enforce deadlines? He’s got an itinerary with your name on it and his patented Teacher’s Stare armed and at the ready and he’s certainly not afraid to use it.

(But honestly the latter is more distracting than demanding because whew chile, that intense look suits him just a little too well.)

Or maybe you just need to rant/cry it out. If so he’s right there with a waiting shoulder, ears to listen, a heart overflowing with understanding and care, and a clever mind full of potential solutions if you’re looking for some guidance.

↠ It doesn’t matter what you require of him, he’s always gonna make sure that you have all of the tools that you need to succeed.

And when you do inevitably master whatever it is you’ve set your hand to—and how could you not, with a man like Suga in your corner?—he’s always the first to congratulate you.

He’s hella big on praise.

And kisses.

Lots and lots of kisses, given out for accomplishing even the smallest of tasks. They’re pretty much his favorite reward to both give and receive lol.

He’s another one that’ll gas you up, but he’ll also tease you to hell and back while he does it—because of course he will—albeit in a v. loving way. He can get kinda obnoxious with it, ngl, but it’s all just to see you smile.

“Is that my baby? My sweetheart, my little winner, my conquering royal? Ruler of my heart, destroyer of deadlines, kicker of proverbial asses—and literal ones too because you’re kind of a savage when you wanna be–”

↠ Yeah, this dork’ll go on like this until you shut him up. Unsurprisingly the best way to do that is with a kiss lol.

He knows that his desires are transparent af, but he’s getting smooches so who really cares?

Certainly not him, no sir. He doesn’t have a care, and certainly not a complaint, in this world whenever you’re wrapped up in each other’s arms like this…

↠ Suga’s love is an adaptive thing, ranging from all the fluff and cheese of a rom-com to something as sturdy and deep-rooted as a centuries old redwood. However you want him, need him, is how you’ll have him.

© notepadsandtealeaves, 2021 || Please do not repost, translate, or otherwise alter or distribute my works without my express permission. And for the love of god keep it away from Youtube and TikTok lol…

[unproduciblesmackdown]

I just want to say I am absolutely obsessed w all your sincerely me posts. You do such a good job breaking them down and identifying all the little details that go into that scene as well as analyzing what they mean about Jared and Evan separately and ofc their relationship as a whole. Wonderful stuff! Also the compilation of Will doing The Laugh added 10 years to my life so thank u

oh thank you lmao i always enjoy people enjoying those posts, and there’s always so much to dig into with that scene, but i think plenty of times i think people can just sort of let the scene wash over as a “oh, the point of this is just that it’s fun” sort of surface level, very straightforward element of the show, and part of the point surely is that it Is fun, but everything about this song is about evan and jared’s interaction / dynamic / relationship here, and the levity and humor doesn’t mean there’s nothing here to Take Seriously, which is certainly true re: jared in general, rather than him being Jokes Boy with no real feelings or anything (i know i’m already preaching to the choir here with all this “here’s what sincerely me is Really About / what deserves more appreciation re: jared” lmao but the ted talks just Occur)

like, here’s the high point of the whole show for jared, and this moment with evan which is so enjoyable and satisfying that he’s going to keep hanging on to evan’s runaway train in the hopes of getting more of this, particularly in act 2 where that’s truly like 100% of his motivation (vs that in act 1 he’s at least also having some degree of an earnest response to the idea behind tcp along with evan and alana, even if it’s still plenty about doing this With Evan) and like, it’s especially a tragedy re: the album where you Only get jared’s vocals, & have less of his dialogue, so it’s easier to forget he’s there or what his part in this is and that, you know, this wouldn’t be a song if it wasn’t about His And Evan’s relationship, and it’s like 98% the case that “connor” in this song just Is jared

and that yeah like we’ve been recently posting lol how there’s actually really just these endless Layers to this material, a mille feuille of Relationship Analysis that’s getting folded over again and again, where it’s jared and evan for real, but pretending to be other people, and making things up, but trying to make it seem Real, and both taking the other’s feedback into their own writing / working off of the other’s contributions, and evan could be seeing “connor” through the lens of what little he knows about actual connor, or projecting himself onto someone he realizes was similar to him in ways, or being informed about Friendship via his own relationship with / perception of jared, who’s in a similar position here re: what’s behind his Inspiration or Interpretation, which roles are Him, or Evan, or ostensibly connor, and what all projection or wish fulfillment or Interpreting is going on around here, not to mention that these two Real People’s Real Dynamic is unfolding right in front of us and is very directly what’s going Into these created emails (which do, apparently, seem like the record of an amazing friendship according to cynthia and then like, a bunch of other people) because this whole writing session is this collaborative back and forth which wouldn’t be happening in the first place if evan didn’t turn to jared for input/help with anything and if jared didn’t want to be involved in evan’s life and be someone evan Wants to seek out like this and you know, how delighted jared is to have evan’s attention, even if as he starts giving evan what he’s actually after here, evan’s attention seemingly shifts over to “connor,” even though that’s jared.....still not a direct Win for jared there, see: him in the reprise, trying to put a “jared” into the story as well, since evan’s invented relationship with jared!connor isn’t actually translating into evan being closer / more interested in actual jared....what about jared!jared......now i’m even thinking about jared getting that highest note harmony at the end of sincerely me.....pay attention to Him

thinking allllllways about how jared completely invents the chorus himself, expecting evan to approve, and with no input from evan, just that Approval, and it comes on the heels of also-approved writing for connor about Trying To Be More....Nice.....i’ll turn it around, wait and see...........just about to lie down about the fact that this, on top of what evan’s already made up in for forever, is about trying to make this Hopeful story, because that’s what evan wants for himself, and what he thinks cynthia would find comforting re: connor, and here’s jared like, okay, so your Supposed relationship didn’t look that warm & amazing from the outside, but how about if it just had a lot of Potential, like, HMM!!! lots to consider there!! but then Oof at the fact inevitably the story falls apart and so does jared’s hopes for his relationship with evan, even though like, connor died & never had that friendship with evan, & jared is probably still alive & Did have a connection with him & is presumably still out there, able to be talked to, maybe try reinventing and giving things attention, you know

just that Yeah lmao the tl;dr here is people mostly going like wow lol what a fun song, &/or a gay song, & it’s like, well sure but for one thing, all of that is completely due to Jared & his and evan’s dynamic & relationship, but that once you realize that that’s what the song is actually about, there’s just so much to consider and analyze in what might otherwise be overlooked as a song that has nothing to to say besides what’s most straightforwardly there, even though, you know, these are characters who have so much trouble saying what they mean or feel or want, but who are able to Reveal more about themselves in that way through this pretense/artifice which is sort of displacing their usual defense mechanisms. been Thinking About It many times and i’m still pondering aspects of it afresh / having new Insights, and anyone else can be too lmao, lots going on here & lots to say based on what anyone’s experienced / taken note of.....wtaw is of course v different as a song, more outright dramatic & desperate, whereas sincerely me is presented as more comedic & light, and it Is these two friends having some fun here rather than the protagonist having this crisis before homeroom at the start of the show, but here sincerely me is as another song about Trying and Wanting and some hopefulness that has to remain ultimately inconclusive, because connor still died.....lots going on, of course the tone is different b/c jared is a part of it, but people also completely overlook Other moments as jared you know, not having as genuine or deep or real Feelings as evan b/c jared’s front involves acting unbothered and being clever and funny, but obviously that doesn’t mean his feelings aren’t there and there aren’t stakes to them, and just because this song involving jared just seems lighthearted and unserious doesn’t mean that again, things aren’t Real and Important for jared.....augh

and yes lmfao the laugh is very good, i’m glad to compile it for our health

[astrologysvt]

Mingyu’s Ideal Type - Natal Chart Reading

For ideal types, I’m not going to be doing specific placements of their ideal partner. Instead, I’m gonna be listing personality traits I think would mesh well with them, as well as focus on their needs and the kind of person who could meet them. what this reading cannot account for is the compromising the members would do on their end for their s/o. so just keep in mind this is only half of the whole picture!

lmfao having mingyu towards the end of this reading cycle is wild. 

i was running out of my ways to say “communication” and “intellect” thanks to all the air in the rest of svt. 

so now i’m gonna try and get through this WHOLE READING without saying those words EVER AGAIN

he’s definitely going to want a very playful relationship. 

so someone who can keep up with his energy when it peaks. 

someone who will hype him up when necessary

or at the very least, someone who wont try and cramp his style if he decides he wants to do something fun or show off. 

with an aries venus, he’s going to be drawn to those who have very warm and active energies about them. 

it also makes him a mixture of ULTRA AFFECTIONATE and suuuuper mischievous when it comes to his s/o. 

he likes to poke fun and joke around. 

so someone who wants to be smothered in love who will return the sentiment

but also someone who will receive his more playful antics while also giving him a very satisfying back-and-forth. 

i imagine he’s very good at exchanging this role where he’s the one joking around and his s/o is like 😔smh 

but then his more rational and doting virgo mars comes out and he can be the one whose like 😔while his s/o goes out and makes a fool of themselves. 

he has a very earnest and clumsy way of approaching relationships. 

aries venus’ tend to have very “childlike” and light-hearted (albeit a little unrealistic) ideas of how to impress their s/o. 

he wants to come across cool, wants to show off and show up for his s/o where there is this whole dynamic of “look at what i can do!!” and “i can handle it no problem” 

and it’s all with the hope that he can look skilled, competent, and honestly just hot. 

but then you have these earth influences through taurus and virgo in his mercury and mars respectively, and this sentiment also comes from a much more grounded and modest place. 

so you can really trust he’d still do those things even if he didn’t receive the fanfare (although he does truly appreciate it)

as i said, virgo placements are naturally very doting and earth in general strongly values physical/concrete representations of commitment/presence in relationships. 

virgo is the influence of lifestyle, domesticity, and healing. 

and so he wants someone who will let him take care of them, who is receptive and appreciative of these efforts. 

he wouldn’t really vibe well with someone who was overly independent to the point they resisted said help. 

it also adds an appreciation for the routine, and so he’s looking for someone who can integrate themselves into his life in ways that maintain structure and order. 

it also makes him love the mundane things! 

like cooking dinner together, doing chores together, shopping together, or honestly just sitting around maybe reading or watching tv. 

mingyu is super interesting tho because he has two sides to him.

he is a very passionate, straight-forward, and magnanimous person but he also has a chart that’s simultaneously very sensitive, reserved, and potentially retreated. 

his initial energy is pretty unrelenting with an aries sun at the helm of his chart. 

his chart really spares no expense when it comes to life and love. 

to put it in perspective, you have cap influences which spare no expense in the sense of being resourceful and hating waste or anything ancillary. 

and then you have aries influences that see no need to be reserved or stingy in any sense.  

nothing is put to waste and THEN SOME with aries placements. 

and this is certainly true with mingyu, and so having someone who leans into that passion, enthusiasm, and generousity would be great for him. 

someone who would find his clumsy, innocent, and potentially blunt approach to romance endearing. 

this also makes him a very affectionate, open, and attached person. 

i imagine once he has feelings for someone, it probably takes milliseconds before he starts flirting and joking around with them. 

he truly does not waste time on that front

(although he also has these placements that make him one of the most adorable, flustered, and smitten guys when he has a crush). 

he really likes that feeling of “conquest” when it comes to wooing someone

and so he may like someone who isn’t as assertive who he can approach first (although he will not have patience for someone who plays hard to get). 

and then obviously that aries brings a sense of energy to relationships.

but what’s interesting with mingyu is that i wouldn’t necessarily say he needs a super exciting and adventurous relationship because of that. 

with a pisces moon, taurus mercury, and virgo mars -- he’s actually a pretty calm and leisurely guy himself. 

he may want to do a bunch of different things with his s/o, and so someone who is open for adventure and new experiences would be great.

but as i said before, with a virgo mars that puts an emphasis towards domesticity, i imagine he’d be pretty satisfied with a more mellow and realistic relationship once it settles past the honeymoon phase. 

so that sense of excitement may speak to what peaks his interest romantically as well as his initial approach, but longterm he’s looking for something much more predictable and reasonable. 

aries placements can also be pretty protective. 

once he’s bonded with someone, he’s going to have a very “they’re mine” attitude. 

he wants their attention, he wants to be the first on their list, and dislikes competition or anything that can give him insecurity in this sense 

(although his chart makes him very kind-hearted, forgiving, and gentler than someone with a more “pure” aries energy). 

he wants to be the best in every single category in their eyes which isn’t particularly the most realistic mindset. 

so it’d be great if his s/o would play along, do what they can to make him feel good, and will put him on this pedestal to a degree

but also someone who can be realistic, sweet, and caring when they have to kinda of let him down or assert their own boundaries/preferences

like “i love you babe but this is ridiculous” 

cuz he also doesn’t really like getting scolded or told what to do, but is very receptive and accommodating to others so long as the approach is clear yet gentle and very non-chastising.

and this just stems from his desire to do good by his partner. 

even if he doesn’t succeed in his attempts or it comes across weird, he really just wanted to do something nice for his s/o, wanted to protect them, and wanted them to be proud of him. 

so having that acknowledged at the core of it is very important. 

if his partner is overly critical and doesn’t take into account his positive intention, he’s going to feel frustrated and neglected 

and this is because he DOES have this super clumsy aries inflence. 

he can be rather impulsive, or at the very least not overly concerned with the vast implications of his actions, and so he isn’t wholly paying attention to every single thing he’s doing. 

and so someone who is more knit-picky and more detail focused when trying to interpret actions wouldn’t be compatible with him. 

i feel especially with a fire sun and water moon, he may struggle with his actions not fully lining up with his intentions. 

and so that dynamic would get very discouraging over time. 

i see this all the time with jeonghan, that infamous sister sign combo. 

jeonghan is much more nuanced in how he interprets actions. 

where as mingyu is much more literal, plain, and straight-forward himself. 

lol like during their breakfast vlive in nyc. 

mingyu was like “i’m a good roommate” 

and jeonghan was like “uhhh?? i’m a good roommate too????? excuse you???” 

and mingyu was like “i know???”

like he didn’t mean to imply jeonghan wasn’t a good roommate but it came across that way to someone like jeonghan who is very mindful of implications. 

lol that may not be the best example, but it’s good that whoever mingyu is dating understand there really isn’t any hidden meaning or hidden agenda with him. 

or if there is, he’s incredibly bad at hiding it.

what you see is what you get, and over interpretation runs the risk of causing unnecessary conflict. 

but then we get into the other side of his interesting dichotomy. 

while he is this very dedicated, loving, and attached person thanks to his aries influences. 

he also has a lot in his chart that indicates he needs a great deal of freedom and space. 

his aries influences assert their independence and autonomy without thinking twice, and being restrained in that regard may frustrate him if he has to start second guessing everything he does. 

although those pisces/virgo placements do make him very considerate in comparison, so it’s more so ensuring that he isn’t being restrained in ways he feels needless or petty. 

then his pisces moon strongly indicates that he’s the type to need space to process emotions and life in general. 

pisces moons are very reactive, empathetic people and can often times get overwhelmed if they aren’t given room to breath. 

he takes in everything and absorbs all of the energies given to him, and then his aries influences come in and insist he needs to be a part of the action at all times

so there is a strong potential to kind of wear himself out if he isn’t careful. 

so while he is very go, go, go with that aries 

he’s going to need to retreat every now and again thanks to that pisces moon. 

so someone who is understanding of that who can give him that room to breath, who wont question it, and can simply let him be. 

it’d also be great if they can read him well, as once he’s at that point he may not be the most verbal in his discomfort. 

he may honestly just leave once hes had enough and decides he needs to turn off the noise. 

but with that pisces moon in general, this does make him a very emotionally intelligent person although he may not fully understand it himself.

rather than verbally, he’s going to bond with someone through emotional closeness and understanding. 

and so he’d like someone who is receptive to that, who doesn’t put as much emphasis on verbal connection who’d return the favor of keeping themselves sensitive and empathetic to him. 

otherwise the relationship may feel superficial to him if everything needs to be explicitly stated or asked for, which is reinforced by the lack of air in his chart. 

he doesn’t always want to talk things out, he sometimes just wants to leave them be and sit in it. 

and someone who picks and prods to the point of excess in that sense would really frustrate him. 

SO IN GENERAL. 

a sense of humor and excitement is key with him. 

he wants a relationship filled with laughter. 

he doesn’t want a relationship that weighs too heavily to him. 

there should be an equal attempt on both parts to keep things light, supportive, and unrestrictive. 

there should also be this sense of amplification. 

he wants to be encouraged and uplifted.

that aries can make him so energetic and antsy, and so having a receptive and equally playful partner to release that energy with is something he really likes.

but beyond that, i think he has a very realistic idea of the type of relationship he wants ultimately. 

he wants a very supportive s/o. 

someone who makes him feel good about himself and boosts his confidence when necessary. 

but more realistically, he wants someone he can build a life with and offer that support to in more concrete ways. 

he’s so affectionate, so loving, and so generous. 

he really wants someone he can dote on, take care of, and who will offer the same courtesy to him. 

and honestly just someone who is going to accept and appreciate everything in excess he wants to give

may it be affection, empathy, forgiveness, understanding, support, service and all that cute adorable mingyu stuff. 

[queeranesearch]

 @harutheestallion Thank you so much for the tag, Arthur!! I kith you, mwah!

(This ended up being way longer than I thought it’d be bc I got so caught up in talking about OTHER people’s writing lmfao, so I’m putting a ‘keep reading’)

Prompt - share your:

First fic: Uuugh god..When I was 11/12 I was really into Attack on Titan, and in my Year 8 English Lit class we had lessons where we did creative writing so of course I wrote an Armin-centric high-school AU. It haunts me to this day but it was so funny to read again later on. But the first fic I actually posted online was a Moomin one, back in 2019. Moomins was (and still is thb) a big comfort media for me, and it always helped me feel better when I was going through some really bad anxiety. I was also very insecure about my writing and hadn’t written anything in years, but I was very attached to the characters and there wasn’t that much content of them so I thought “Fuck it. This is gonna be very self-indulgent. If other people like it then great, but really this is for me.” I did end up getting way more kudos and comments than I thought I would and loads of lovely comments. I read it again a little while ago and the writing is a but rusty, and my paragraphing isn’t great, but it’s really sweet and I had a lot of fun writing it and I think that shines through.

Favourite fic: Dude, I cannot pick one favourite fic, so I’m gonna list a few that came to mind: Hooked by @listless-brainrot - aka THE jetru fic. I will forever scream about List’s writing. The way he’s able to take such a character with one episode, and see the potential pour so much life into him is amazing. He writes Haru with so much nuanced realness, and seeing things though his perspective makes for such an immersive read and gives beautiful insight into his thoughts and wants. I cannot recommend it enough.

Sing a little louder, laugh a little softer by @chief-yue - Such lovely fic exploring the music of cultures ATLA was inspired by. I had the biggest smile on my face reading this; Katrina really captures the dynamic of the Gaang wonderfully, and her descriptions are vivid and heartwarming. 

Two Sturdy Oaks by @rileyblxu - A Dead Poets Society fic and one of my comfort fics ajklasd. The author writes Neil and Todd perfectly; Like if you told me this fic was actually deleted scenes from the movie I would believe you 100%. The dialogue between all the characters is spot on, and the trusting relationship both Neil and Todd have with Mr Keating is so heart-warming to read, and the descriptions were so tender and full of so much love and pining,,dude I actually cried a little. PLUS the use of poems at the beginning of the chapters?? Absolutely iconic for setting the tone. Love it.

Not Ready To Make Nice by @harutheestallion - Tagging you twice hehe. Arthur’s characterization of Jet kills me DEAD. They have so many little nuanced details about Jet, but also how he sees other people and the world around him. They have such a strong grasp on his character; every action he makes in this fic is written cleverly wand with such clear thought put behind it, and Jet’s perseverance and bitterness but also his kindness and desire to protect others really shines through. And HAMA. She’s written perfectly too; so similar to Jet in many ways but also more ‘jaded’ and less hopeful. Their dynamic is so interesting to read and watching them become gradually closer is so lovely.

Henna by @miannmian - I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; Simran is the QUEEN of fluff. This is one of their shorter works, but it’s packed of such tender characterization. The descriptions are written with so much care and warmth, you can practically feel the love these Jet and Haru have for each other. It’s sweet, it’s domestic, and it makes my heart swell each time I read it.

Can’t Make An Omelette by @citron-ella - A Good Omens fic, but focused on The Them! GO fics that aren’t primarily about Aziraphale and Crowley are hard to come by, so I was delighted when I came across this one, particularly as The Them are my personal faves from the book/show. This fic is so sweet and funny in little nuanced ways. Children are hard to write, especially slightly older ones, but this author wrote them wonderfully; they really captured the lovely curious and mischievous nature of The Them, and each one of the kids was written perfectly in character. The descriptions set the scenes well, and they have a sweet, nostalgic sort of tone to them; it reminds me of what kid’s books used to be like years ago, there’s an Enid Blyton(and I’d even say a Terry Pratchet) like charm to it. And I adore the little detail of Brian being curious about Pollution being non-binary, and recognizing something similar in himself; it was so heart-warming. I also loved the bit at the end where Pepper knowingly acknowledges Brian’s interest in being non-binary; it’s a nice subtle way of showing their friendship and how they pay attention to each other.

Most Recent fic: A jetru oneshot, “Kiss Me?”. It’s pretty simple and fluffy; the lads having their first kiss. To be honest, it’s one of those fics I have a love-hate relationship with; looking back at it there are so many ways I’d rewrite it and make it better, but there are some nice bits there too. 

Fic with most notes: My moomin one I mentioned earlier. It’s called “To Have a Family is an Awfully Complicated Thing”. A VERY wordy title, and again, there a loads of things I wish I could change and do better( I have actually been contemplating rewriting it) but it’s very close to my heart, and I’m glad other people liked it too.

A line or two from a wip: Man, I have SO many wips it’s embarrassing. Here’s a modern Yueki thing I was doing: They didn't know how Yue spent lunchtimes at school in the library, hidden behind the back shelves, reading poetry books held together with thick brown tape; Shakespeare, Dickinson, Keats, Wordsworth, their words lovely yet so disconnected from her; how within the whole breadth of the romantics she could not find one to attach to; how with no great authors to turn to, she put her own pen to paper, spilling thoughts of brown hair and dark eyes, of a face that freckled in the sun, of a laugh that filled her stomach flip with a delightful queasiness, of how her heart ached for the girl that cleaned her grazed knee for her when she was six. ‘Oh dear.’ Yue fiddled with the bag in her lap, zipping it up, zipping it down. ‘There’s no going back now, is there?’

Favourite character to write for (and why): Hmm, I think Yue and Jet, both from ATLA. Something about them just clicks with me; I love Yue to bits and wish we could’ve had more of her in the show, so I love exploring her character beyond being the Moon Princess. I also adore Jet and will forever be angry about how he dirty they did him in the show. Writing him is actually quite challenging, but in a way I enjoy, and I enjoying pushing myself to explore the nuance and depth he had in the show. 

Character(s) you find hard to write: Hm.. I’d say Toph. I love Toph so much but I find it difficult to really capture her strength and rowdiness, but also her compassion and her softer side. 

I’ve tagged a few people in this already, so if they wanna do this feel free to! Also you. Reading this. Consider yourself tagged; I wanna hear about your writing. 

[dehydratedpool]

hi!! so i saw a couple other writers on here do this (the one i remember is @soldouthaz lol hi) and i thought it would be fun to do even tho i didn’t get tagged [aka, i do what i want >:)] ((also ps sorry this is late))

2020 was an incredibly rough year for me, which made writing/creating even harder. soooo here’s my self evaluation on the dreadful year lol;

1. number of stories posted in 2020: 5

2. total word count: 133,496 wOaH

3. list of works published:

hath made thee a sinner

there’s blood on my tongue

my beastly (currently on hold, going through a rewrite/re-plan lol)

i’m so tired

warm

4. work you are most proud of (and why):

i would have to say “hath made thee a sinner”. it took me FOREVER to write, mostly because 1) i wanted to get my own coming out story right, i wanted to share my experience in a way that also made it a good read, and 2) i was writing about three sensitive topics; Christianity, physical violence and coming out of the closet, and i wanted to be sure i didn’t get those things wrong. louis and harry’s coming out in the fic slightly relates to my own, but i wanted it to be relatable to others who’ve gone through the same thing. ((fun fact: the speech harry makes is 90% copied from my own coming out post on Facebook LMFAO))

5. work you are least proud of (and why):

it’s not that i hate “my beastly”, i just wish i started it’s execution better. it’s been an idea of mine for several years, one i started writing on wattpad and then abandoned for whatever reason. i have yet to complete it, and i wanna go back and re-write the entire thing, focus more on character development and world building (which i feel are lacking severely in my beastly). i also want to change the god-awful name that 15 year old me thought was a good idea.

6. a favorite excerpt of your writing:

i have a lot of favorites, but this snippet from “there’s blood on my tongue” was a fun little bit to write. it was kind of comic relief during an uncomfortable scene/chapter:

A loud bang on the door awakened Louis from his thoughts. He watched as Ralph walked over to the door, “Probably my Roger Taylor lookalike of a landlord demanding I pay rent a day early.”

When he opened the door, none other than Lindsey Allen barged through the barely filled apartment, her eyes red, “You!”

Louis swallowed, “Hi?”

“Don’t “hi” me, you little shit,” Lindsey growled, “How the fuck are you so relaxed, so calm right now?”

“How did you find my apartment?” Ralph questioned as Lindsey vibrated with anger.

7. share or describe a fave comment you received:

this comment from “there’s blood on my tongue” SENT ME. i don’t get comments often so when i do it’s always so exciting and i love reading and replying to everyone. honestly, every comment i get always warms my heart, they’re all my favorites, but this one definitely made my day when i saw it ♡

8. a time when writing was really, really hard:

tw // sexual assault, mental illness, PTSD

like i mentioned earlier, this year was a rough one. i got sexually assaulted on a tinder date in january 2020 (i was struggling with accepting that i’m a lesbian and decided to go out with a guy who i thought was nice), and in october 2020 i was coerced into sex with a guy who was trying to turn me straight. so ... those two things were like the cherry on top of an already shitty year.

after the january incident, i admitted myself into a psychiatric hospital after not having been back for 7 years. i was diagnosed with PTSD (along with my other issues i was already aware of lol) and it’s definitely caused a bump in my life.

to answer the question, writing the smut in “there’s blood on my tongue” and “i’m so tired” was incredibly difficult for me. i would get flashbacks while writing a scene, have panic attacks, and delete and rewrite in a vicious cycle until i wrote the bare minimum requirements of smut without hurting myself too badly, haha. i’ve never had an issue with writing smut until now, and i’ve been working on getting better at it and becoming comfortable with the idea of sex/smut again.

9. a scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

i cant say that anything i wrote surprised me, and to be honest, i’m a little disappointed about that. i write what i’m comfortable with, what i know i’m good at, and i would like to explore different tropes and au’s this new year. i wanna get out of my comfort zone and take risks in my writing in 2021

10. how you grew as a writer:

i’ve definitely grown in how i write romantic relationships/smut. when i’m not writing fanfiction, i’m writing historical fiction that doesn’t involve romance. i’m not perfect at it yet, but i’m getting there !!

11. how do you hope to grow this year?

as mentioned in previous answers, i’d like to get more comfortable with writing smut. it’s not that i don’t want to write smut and i’m forcing myself to and thus causing unnecessary pain to myself; it’s as if doing so is helping me heal from my trauma— and it’s FUN to write !

12. who was your greatest positive influence as a writer?

i would have to say anyone who ever read and commented and gave kudos to any of my work ♡ comments and love keep me going and make me excited to share more with the fandom :D

13. did anything from real life show up in your writing?

absolutely! i think that tends to happen whether you intentionally mean to or not. “hath made thee a sinner” was my coming out story with a dash of fiction, i wrote the beginning scenes of “warm” (the descriptions of the night time) based on my time in NYC, and so many other tiny little things. it’s actually kind of fun to add those little easter eggs that no one but myself will get haha

14. any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

PLAN. YOUR. STORY. making plot points has helped me immensely as a writer. i used to free write everything but it made me overwhelmed after a while and i would abandon the wip. by planning out your story, it helps things go smoothly, and it’ll be easier to catch any plot holes you may have. it doesn’t have to be heavily detailed; in fact, i don’t like to add too much detail in mine since i usually think of little things to add as i’m writing ! whether you’re an experienced writer or new to it, planning things out is essential, in my opinion.

15. projects you’re looking for to this year:

i really really really wanna be apart of the BLFF this year! i cant think of other projects that happen throughout the year at the moment, but i wanna join as many as i can !!

————

thank you for reading this, this was a fun way to pass time at work lol. i’m supposed to tag other writers but idk if i really have any writer friends here so just do it if you wanna and tag me so i can read yours !! ♡

[edwardslostalchemy]

Y’all I just want to talk about one of my best friends because I really appreciate him and his friendship. 

Like I have mentioned him before. He and I constantly get shipped together. He is a year younger than I am. We’ve known each other since I was in first grade and he was in kinder, so we were TINY. We weren’t really close in elementary school because of the grade difference, but we knew each other and he basically lives across from my grandmother’s house. I remember his mom would see me and she’d send me to take things to him in class. In junior high we hung out because he was friends with my friends, too. And in high school, it was the same thing. We had a couple of conflicts that we resolved, which was good, but other than that, our friendship has been really fucking nice. In high school, I remember I went to pick him up from his class for an assembly and we got locked in the damn classroom and we were so close to screaming, we’re fucking useless. Anyway, I guess we made it out because here we are lmfaooo. All of our friends and us would sit together and from that big group, seven of us stayed in our main best friend group (the group chat is called Familia, but I asked him to take me out because messages give me anxiety rip). 

Anyway, he is very attentive to what my friends and I say and he has a good memory for things. He looks out for me when I don’t because I have dumb bitch energy and I’m an anxious bisexual fuck, so he knows that SOMEONE has to look out for me because if he doesn’t, our other friends will, but not as like...well as him, I guess. But YEAH. I have had to go on a gluten-free diet in the past because bread and other flour/baked foods would make my stomach cry. I’m also lactose intolerant. I don’t drink coffee and I love tea. I’m a lightweight so I can only have one drink per hangout because I get tipsy out of nothing tbh ridic. And there’s other details that he just remembers like he has it written on an index card or some shit. Which is NICE. So whenever we are going to eat something that has bread/cookies/cake/baked goods, he looks at it first and then reminds me “This is a cookie. Do you still want it?” And I’m like “Yeah give it to me fuck it.” Or he tells me “this frosting has milk, so bring your pill to eat dairy.” He is the only friend that’s done this and I honestly appreciate everything he has done for me and my life’s preservation because I, for one, do not give a fuck about my health sometimes and just go “fuck give it to me”, but then he pulls a stop sign on me like “you dumbass this is gonna fuck up your stomach.” He has also been there for me during very dark times like my past 5 years of depression and anxiety, me distancing myself, my suicidal ideations, my grandfather’s death, and me going through a lot of shit because of my sexuality. Like when I need to talk, he’s there. I will never forget that. And I told him this last night, that I’m really glad we’re friends and that he’s the only one out of our group that keeps in touch with me because I struggle with communication. Like if anyone has ever messaged me, you know I can go days or weeks without answering. He knows and understands, though sometimes jokes to not ghost him (I don’t do it on purpose!), and he sends me messages and doesn’t pressure me to answer him. 

What strained our friendship the most was how everyone would ship us (still ship us???). We are very close. We hug. We’ve called each other dumb nicknames to fuck around like “My love” and “My life”, but we know we’re joking. We sit together, or side by side all the time. That is our place. And he is the only one whom I feel comfortable sitting on my left side. I am blind from my left eye so I always always feel uncomfortable when someone sits/walks on my left side because I can’t see them. He is the exception because I can hear him and he also draws my attention before anything so he doesn’t surprise me. Anyway, yeah we also tend to share food/drinks. We also hold eye contact with one another like we are very attentive to each other. I guess we give off that ‘couple’ vibe?? But we are just really good, close friends and it honestly killed me whenever someone would bring up the ‘dating’ topic. Like we went with it for a while. When we would get asked if we were together, we would say yes. We would pretend and we didn’t need to do much to pull it off because people already thought we were together. Until he asked me to tone it down and I just went ahead and stopped because it was getting to me as well. It sucked. I really hate how society just thinks that if a guy and a girl are close, they are a couple. Even my aunts thought we were together. My aunt asked me all the time if we were a thing and I was like “No.” Even my own mother wanted me to date him. It was too much. I had to spend time away from him. I actually needed space. I was not comfortable and I had to just spend time away so that I could like feel like myself. I think about that and I honestly feel my stomach churning. I never liked him in a romantic way. I thought I did because everyone would tell us this and that and God, I wish people would just shut up. I doubt he ever liked me like that, either, which is a GOOD thing. If I remember correctly, he told me he didn’t like me like that (???) because I was with my boss when I mentioned it and I had to talk to someone about it and my boss was like ‘well it’s good you know now’ and I was really happy about it! (I think this was the first time I went ‘I’m ace/aro’, but never acknowledged it until later). So yeah. So don’t ship people please. It feels like hell tbh. 

Our friendship is still Gucci and we still go out, though I noticed that since I left for uni I’ve been distant because of my poor communication skills. But he knows I’d never forget him. It’s kinda hard to do so when he lives two blocks away from my house lmfao. And right in front of my grandmother’s. I really hope we can remain good friends in the future. It’s just really nice to have someone like that in my life. I just started thinking about this because I gave him a Christmas present last night and he got me something, too. And even though we were going out with friends, I only got him and another friend a gift. I don’t have money right now, I’m flat broke and I’m waiting for student loans to save me because that pays rent and groceries. But I got him and our other friend something because they’re just real MVPs in my life, but moreso him. Idk I just wanted to talk about him because he’s a great human being and a wonderful friend and I hope good things happen to him. 

[eldritchsurveys]

781.

Your ten favorite movies

Movie number one: The Fountain 1) Who’s the main actor? >> Hugh Jackman. 2) When did it come out? >> I want to say... 2007. 3) What’s the genre? >> Er... hmm. Fantasy? Maybe? I’m going to ask google. ...Oh, apparently Wikipedia classifies it as an “epic romantic drama film that blends elements of fantasy, history, spirituality, and science fiction”. Like, okay, sure, whatever dude. 4) Do you know where it was filmed at? >> I don’t, but I’m about to find out because that’s an interesting question. ...Ah! Montreal. 5) How old were you when you saw it? >> The first time I saw it was... probably not too long after it came out, so early 20s. I rented it from Netflix back when that was new and was a DVD-only service. I didn’t pay it a whole lot of attention at the time and was mostly confused by its storyline (I wasn’t as practiced at following nonlinear timelines and heavily allegorical plots back then). The next time I saw it was a whole different story and tbh that’s a frequent occurrence with me, which is why I always go back to rewatch/reread certain things later on in life.

Movie number two: Sunshine 1) Who’s an actress in this movie? >> Rose Byrne.

2) Out of 10 stars you’d give it? >> I mean, 10, I guess? It’s a top favourite of mine, so... 3) Did it have a surprise ending? >> No. I mean, it had a kind of weird twist for the climax? But the actual ending was kind of what you’d expect. 4) How long was it? >> 1hr 47min. 5) Did you first see it in theatres? >> Nope, but god, if only I could... Movie number three: Interstellar 1) What’s this movie rated? >> PG-13. 2) Did critics approve of it? >> If I recall correctly, yeah, it was pretty widely praised. Mostly for the, you know... Nolan-ness. 3) Who were you with when you saw it? >> Sigma and I went to see it, and then we went to see it again, and then we went to see it yet again, lmao. 4) Did this movie make you cry? >> Sure the fuck did, sure the fuck does. 5) Who are five actors/actresses in this movie? >> Matthew McConaughey, Anne Hathaway, Michael Caine, Ellen Burstyn, Jessica Chastain. Movie number four: District 9 1) Is the main actor your favorite actor? >> No, but I generally enjoy watching Sharlto Copley in stuff. 2) Do you know how old he is? >> No, and that’s not a detail I care to look up. 3) Did this movie make you laugh? >> I mean, yeah, there were a few funny bits, mostly because Wikus is a fuckin dork sometimes. But mostly it was not a laughing matter. 4) Last time you watched it? >> Uhhh... hmm. Maybe a year or two ago? I tend to avoid it because it gives me way too many feels. This is a common thread with me and things I really have emotional attachment to -- you’ll notice I’ll find excuses not to rewatch or reread them because I’m afraid of my own feelings, lmao. 5) Are you the appropiate age to see it by yourself? >> Well, yeah? Movie number five: Requiem For a Dream 1) What made you mad about this movie? >> Nothing made me mad, exactly. That’s definitely not the emotion I feel when watching it. 2) Was it based on a true story? >> It might have been based on real things that happen to real people, but not in any concrete “this is historical fiction” sort of way. 3) Do you wish it was real in any way? >> I’m sure a lot of it is real for a lot of people... I definitely do not want my life to go in that direction, though. It’s very much a “pay attention to that hole in yourself before it consumes you” story for me. 4) So what’s it about, anyways? >> The intertwined stories of four addicts. 5) Did they make a video game out of this movie? >> That... would be disturbing as fuck and I would not play that, lol. Movie number six: mother! 1) Did this movie bore you at any time? >> Oh, absolutely not. I was on tenterhooks the entire time. I even had to pause it at one point so I could have an anxiety attack. (That was also the moment when I realised I was definitely going to rate it 5 stars on Letterboxd. Listen, it makes sense, I promise.) 2) Was there a kiss scene? >> Er, well, the main characters were romantically involved, so there was kissing. 3) Who was the protagonist (main character)? >> The Mother, I guess. I don’t remember what she was called in the credits or in director interviews or wherever (she doesn’t have a name in the movie, no one does). 4) Have you seen this movie more than once? >> Nope. I sometimes consider watching it again because I do feel the need to, but that’s an experience I have to really be prepared for and I feel like I’m never prepared, lol. 5) Last time you saw it? >> Uh... I want to say... a year ago? Movie number seven: The Prince of Egypt 1) What is this movie’s genre? >> Er... I guess, like, animation. Which isn’t a genre to me either, but hey. (Maybe “family” or “adventure”...?) 2) Are there any kid actors in this movie? >> Probably, since there’s a fair number of kids in this movie and I don’t think they were all voiced by adults... but hey, maybe they were. 3) Where did it all take place? >> It’s animated so it technically just takes place in a studio. But the movie’s setting is Egypt and thereabouts. 4) Who was the biggest star in the movie? >> Like, as in... most famous actor in it? I really couldn’t say, it’s an incredibly star-studded cast all around. 5) What year did it come out? >> 1998. It was the first-ever movie I saw in a theater! Movie number eight: Quills 1) Main actor and/or actress? >> Joaquin Phoenix and Kate Winslet. 2) Is this a one-time only movie? >> Like, it didn’t have any sequels or anything, if that’s what you mean. 3) Is it a sequel to anything? >> No. 4) How much money did it make? >> I don’t feel like looking that up. Probably not a whole lot. 5) Favorite part? >> Oh god, uh. I couldn’t even pick one. Any of the dialogue scenes between the Marquis and the Abbé, also any of the scenes where the Abbé is overcome with horniness lmfao. Movie number nine: Event Horizon 1) When did you first see this movie? >> 2005, when I was in a psych hospital. It was one of the only films they had on tape.

2) Did it take a second time for you to like it? >> Nope, I loved it immediately. And proceeded to watch it every day for like a month. I don’t know how anyone in there put up with me. (Everyone being overmedicated probably helped.)

3) Does it have a happy ending? >> It doesn’t. Most horror movies don’t, right? 4) Who would you recommend it to? >> People who love gory space horror, and especially space movies of that particular nineties variety, you know what I’m talking about. 5) What’s its theme song? >> It doesn’t have one. Movie number ten: Repo! the Genetic Opera 1) Do you still have the movie ticket? >> I didn’t see it in a theater. I had planned on seeing it at a Vampirefreaks sponsored theater event in SoHo, but the line was so long I gave up and went home. Ended up hating it when I finally did get around to watching it, and then watched it again like a year or so later and loooooved it. Funny how that happens sometimes. 2) Favorite part? >> Oh man, how could I even choose? Maybe the Thankless Job scene. Or Night Surgeon! Obviously I’m going to pick anything Nathan-centric, lol. 3) Were there any songs you knew in this movie? >> No, the songs were written for the movie. 4) A quote from this movie: >> I’ma get lazy and say “Zydrate comes in a little glass vial”, sue me. 5) Were the main actors/actresses a perfect match or not so much? >> Like... romantically? Wasn’t that kind of movie. But as far as how they interacted in general, it was a really fun cast. Random Questions 1) Which one have you seen most on DVD? >> Actually, the only one I recall ever watching on a DVD is The Fountain, because I rented it from Netflix. 2) Which one have you seen most in theatres? >> Interstellar (3 times). 3) Did your parents like any of them? >> The only one my father saw was The Prince of Egypt because he took me to see it, and he complained about the skin colour of characters (not dark enough for his liking) in the car on the way home. While I was just basking in the divine afterglow of having just seen something beautiful that had changed my tiny life. 4) Which one did you see with your best friend? >> Well, Sigma was my best friend at the time we saw Interstellar. 5) Would you see #1 again? >> I do rewatch it sometimes, but not very often. It’s a real emotional trip. 6) Is #4 a movie you can only watch every once in a while? >> Yeah, and I mentioned that in one of the answers. 7) Was #5 hard to understand? >> Only if you have a hard time keeping up with multiple character arcs. Or if you’re just completely clueless about the mental mechanics of addiction, maybe. 8) Did you see #2 the day it came out? >> I didn’t. 9) Do you have #3’s movie ticket still? >> I think I kept at least one of the tickets for a while, but I never keep that kind of thing for long. What I really miss is the posters we’d gotten at the Franklin Institute showing. Those were nice, and I’d looked forward to putting one up in a room of my own one day. :( 10) Are there any sequels to these movies coming out? >> Not that I’m aware of. 11) Does your best friend like #9? >> --- 12) Did #10 have horrible special effects? >> I wouldn’t say that. 13) Who directed #6? >> Darren Aronofsky. He directed three of these movies, actually. 14) Did #8 scare you? >> Nah, it wasn’t that kind of movie. 15) Does #7 have a better effect at night? >> No, lol.

[nicolinocolino]

thoughts on skamit season 2

(warning: this is long af and a little messy!!) 👇

(warning #2: I do make comparisons to the og; not everything I have to say is sunshine and smiles but I DO have a lot of praise to give as well: if you only want to read that just skip the first part 💛)

Things that made me go ???

Niccolò playing the piano. This just ended up being more disappointing than anything. Why introduce something so unique and special only to never mention it again? This could have easily been the passe på meg scene.

WHICH while we are on the subject, why was there NO PASSE PÅ MEG SCENE?! I do not understand this at all, unless the point of the clip flew right over Ludo’s head. (When did Niccolò notice Martino?? Why did he follow him into the radio booth?? Why did you deprive us of this information Ludovicoooooo)

Oh and: Ludovico Bessegato — I do not trust you and I think you’re a dick but also you’re kind of brilliant. I don’t even know what to think of him, tbh. Ok for real: I’m going to talk about the end of episode 2 for a second and more specifically, his reaction to the responses. Playing the victim? Deleting his Instagram? Not apologizing? He acted like a straight up child, and if he didn’t do that, I think I’d see him in a much brighter light. But instead, we got a glimpse of the person he really is and it doesn’t paint a pretty picture. (I am not the kind of person to see things in black and white and I’m also not the kind of person to base my opinion of others on one act — which is why I’m so torn on him. However, helping to develop Martino’s story and making creative choices I could praise forever doesn’t make up for this particular action and it also doesn’t make him a good person.)

AND YET — between all of the brilliant direction choices he DID make... why was the lighting so bad? This is not me being like ~wAh I WaNnA SeE tHeM KisS bEtTeR~ I just want to... see their expressions?? I keep reading in interviews how emotionally tolling the fight scene between the boys was and,,, I can hear it in their voices but damn I wish I could have seen their faces. Would have been nice.

Also: one directing choice I also didn’t quite understand was the lack of focus on Martino’s face in some scenes? Granted, I don’t expect the camera to be on him ALWAYS but there were some key scenes that just didn’t focus on his face at all when I thought it should: in the first episode when the boys are outside and Marti first notices Nico, Marti tells Luca he doesn’t want to hear his nasty clitoris story, to which Gio turns to Marti and tells Luca not to listen to him. And then... did that hurt Marti? Did he laugh? Guess we’ll never know because the camera just ignored him. Gio is his best friend and his opinion matters a lot to Martino, so why didn’t we get to see his expression? He’s the only member of the boy squad not wanting to listen to Luca’s story and he gets shut down. Does he care...? Also: the cabin scene in the morning. Marti introduces Nico and then.... we never get his reaction to the boys sleeping on the floor, to Nico inviting them to breakfast, to Luca hugging Nico... the camera literally forgets his existence after Nico meets the boys. These are just two examples off the top of my head but I know as I watched there were more.

The dialog choices regarding when they did and didn’t follow or deviate from the og. I’ll get more into the characters in the next section but it’s no secret that Martino and Niccolò are not Isak and Even and therefore, when the dialog was close to or a carbon copy of the og, it felt kind of forced into their mouths and rather rushed. My personal least favorite line they kept was the whole “your mom pays me” gag between Marti and Nico in the kitchen of the last clip. Just seems... very out of character for them (given the fact that Nico just got done being in a rather manipulative and controlling [she’s always managed to put me on the spot, to twist things, to make me believe everything she wanted me to believe. <— his own words!!!] relationship). When Marti and Niccolò had their own original banter (some notable examples include chatting about the radio [did you have something better to do?], before the pool kiss [are you dumb, are you stupid?], their entire talk in bed in 5.1, and “studying” together [yeah, that’s the idea]) it really really shined and, of course, felt totally in character. I love the choice to make Marti and Nico so different than Isak and Even (again I’ll get to that in more detail soon) but within that choice, the dialog needs to adapt to fit them and I feel like they either nailed it or totally missed the mark.

HOWEVER — there was one exception to this: I loved loved loved loved loved the coming out scene between Marti and Gio, despite it being almost word for word. I’d go as far to say I liked it more than the one in the og for several reasons: 1. Fede’s acting holy shit. (While this situation always has a lot at stake, the stakes felt very high for Martino here. I could feel how nervous he was not just to reveal a part of himself he’d been keeping hidden for so long, but how nervous he was to potentially lose his friend. It made my heart race!) That little swallow he did? God. I could feel the nerves. 2. Their surroundings and actions were not random. Marti invited Gio to play FIFA for a reason! It’s basically a ritual for them at this point and a very comfortable setting. Marti choosing this as his comfy place to come out to Gio reinforces the idea that he still likes “dude things” and that Marti is still the same guy Gio has played the last 100+ games with. 3. The! Cheering! Of! The! Crowd! In! The! Video! Game! After! Marti! Says! ‘It’s not a girl’!!!!!!!!!! POETIC CINEMAAAA. All in all, again, despite the dialog being just about the same, this scene still felt very in character for both Marti and Gio and was executed flawlessly. A+

The social media was good content wise but that didn’t make up for the inconsistency. Part of the appeal of SKAM and the remakes are how it brings viewers into the deeply personal lives of the characters. We read their text messages for god’s sake — that is so personal! Social media, yes, does make way for some good character development (catch me never being over the selfie of the boys in Bracciano) but mainly, it just humanizes the characters. Teenagers, mind you! Show me a teenager not glued to their phone. I don’t believe for one second Silvia didn’t have like, 7 Instagram stories every day. (Not that I expect that but at least one social post from one of the characters every day would have been MUCH more realistic.) (I’m not even going to get into how the skamit team just... uh, forgot the password to Marti’s original Instagram...? Is that even what happened? Why did they make him a new one lmfao. So messy.)

Things that made me go !!!

The change of characteristics and dynamic as a whole between Martino and Niccolò. A.k.a. the approach to the mood of the story was a genius idea and a brilliant way to “remake” the season. I loved how comfortable they fell into each other — never hesitant or afraid or even nervous. They genuinely enjoy each other’s company and immediately I could tell why they were so drawn to each other. Some people complained about this “lack of tension” but in the end, their dynamic was so important to lead up to La Grotta and make their story theirs: Nico chose Marti and Marti chose Nico. There was no saving each other — that’s Isak’s and Even’s thing!! That works for them and this works for Marti and Nico. Honestly, Isak and Even in every universe deserve something unique to guide their story to the same conclusion, and I’m thankful SKAM Italia did what they did with the characters to make this happen in their own way.

The contrabbandieri and focus on Marti’s friendships as an equally important part of his character as his relationship with Niccolò. All other squads are now held to the standard of the Italian boy squad because!! Wow. Such great chemistry between them all. I truly believe that they are all equally friends within the group as well as individually? Like, of course Marti and Gio have this special ~bond~ but I never got the feeling that if Luca and Marti or Elia and Marti hung out one-on-one it would be awkward. They are all so supportive of each other and while I hate the way they generally treated women, the way they treated each other is peak friendship: affectionate, honest, silly, I could go on forever; and I could watch them grilling coffee/dancing in a kitchen/eating disgusting pizza crusts/wrapping ties around their heads/sucking at table football forever.

On this note, I would also like to say that the inclusion of Niccolò into the boy squad right away in Bracciano was the content we deserved. I loved how this wasn’t random or fan service, either — Nico’s loneliness wasn’t ignored; it’s no secret he’s at a new school with no friends, probably being bullied or at least talked about behind his back by his classmate Marco Covitti, and recently broken up with his girlfriend he feels manipulated by. He needs friends right now and the fact that Marti’s friends are becoming his friends is so wholesome and important. Love love love this.

The introduction and inclusion of Martino’s mom. I thought their relationship was very realistic and instead of being like “oh, in the og Isak moved out so Marti needs to as well...” the skamit team was just like, no. That’s not realistic for a teenager in Italy so we’re just going to have to change some stuff. AND it gave some resolution to Marti and his mom (something I wish we got a little more of in the og) without sugar coating it. There are still problems, of course, but now Marti is stronger and wiser and more empathetic. Things are going to get better but he knows that not everything will always be good. Also, his mom needs someone?? I don’t blame Isak at all for getting out (and let’s be real his mom seemed like maybe she had some more intense issues) but I love the fact that Marti and his mom are working on it.

The last men on earth story / the symbolism of the giraffe and how those details directly intertwined to fit the difficulties and fears in the change of Nico’s mental illness. Once Maddalena said borderline personality disorder I did exactly what Dr. Spera said not to do and went right to google. But really it was only after some lovely people on here with bpd stepped forward to share their stories and enlighten us that I truly understood (to the best of my abilities) the nuances of Nico and his actions. Looking back, all of the details that seemed to change from the og just for drama or angst’s sake (like Nico completely ghosting Marti for example) were actually there for a reason and I think when Ludovico told us “you think you know what’s going to happen but really you have no idea” he was talking about this. Giving Nico’s character a different mental illness did a few positive things for the story: 1) it opened up all of the possibilities for beautiful new symbolism which the skamit team executed flawlessly. This, in turn, gave Marti and Nico their own things and their own story instead of copying the idea of parallel universes and the Romeo and Juliet storyline. 2) It shed awareness for an underrepresented and highly stigmatized mental illness. By showing us Nico the character (who is a lovely, lovely character: silly, talented, extremely thoughtful, loving) before showing us his mental illness, we see him as a human first. So important! Often characters in media with mental illnesses are reduced to their illness and can often fall into the ‘loveable asshole’ trope. We learn to love Nico right alongside Marti first — and while this is all the og’s brilliant idea, we now have this same story for a different mental illness and that’s beautiful.

The music! This was like, Marti’s soundtrack. We even get him explicitly saying he likes “indie and electronic” music — it adds a level of depth into his perspective as if he picked the soundtrack himself. I love this because there is no SKAM Italia music mood, it’s all based on the characters and their POV. (Skam season 3 did this as well, obviously, but more of a mix between Isak and Even with Romeo and Juliet thrown in there as well.)

The cinematography. I think this one goes without saying haha. While less “real” than the og, I’m a sucker for aesthetics and symbolism. And yes yes yes the wide shot in the pool and the open shots of Rome are beautiful BUT: the cinematography in skamit did more than make it beautiful. It helped tell the story. One perfect moment (in my opinion) that beautifully emphasizes this is when Martino and Niccolò are walking around in Milan without a single other person in sight. Was that realistic? No. Did that symbolize the last men on earth reference and heighten the audience’s empathy into Niccolò’s dissociative state? Absolutely.

This one is rather vague but the major (and not so major) changes — everything from swapping kosegruppa and biology class with the radio group to the scene where Martino meets Filippo. Every change was brilliant and is 100% where skamit shined. I’m actually most critical about the things they kept the same, and if skamit ever wanted to create their own original season beyond the 4, I have a lot of faith they’d write a good one. 💛

[blipblorpsnork]

like god okay what a small detail like. okay so like shoves all my thoughts into a cup and shakes it til they meld properly OKAY. So like I’m super used to third wheeling, and not even in an explicitly bad way. I walk a bit slow, and when I’m out with friends and we’re window shopping and shit if it’s three of us it genuinely always ends up that I get left out of conversation because I wander and am a bit? Idk like, zoney? Like wispy, when I’m out window shopping, with or without friends, I’m not sure how to explain that.

oh my god this is three miles long so I’m putting it under a cut

Anyways the thing is, people always end up walking ahead of me; I always get pushed to the back (partly because I DON’T like people walking behind me in groups unless it’s in a structured line, it freaks me out) and like because of that, and because I’m very bad with social stuff sometimes I almost always get excluded from conversations. I don’t know how to add to them, and I don’t get addressed because I don’t participate, so eventually between the autism and the hearing issues I just tune people out because it makes more sense to do my own thing a lot of the time.

Last night we were wandering around Walmart, the three of us, just kinda browsing and window shopping because our Walmart is WEIRDLY nice, like it’s one of the best I’ve ever been in and we get loads of cool stuff none of our other friends do, including J despite the fact that he like, lives maybe a half hour to forty minutes out from us near Atlanta. Like it wasn’t anything special; just looking at stuff and making dumb remarks and like. Plastic Mermaid jokes tm lmfao.

J literally made sure I was included the entire time in a way that didn’t even feel like he was going out of his way to do it. Like, he kind of wandered between me and E, and talked with both of us, and when E was going off on one of his tangents to himself (something he does a lot, which we all acknowledge and unless he’s addressing us directly we’re free to listen or not, at his behest; it’s just a thing he does so we aren’t ignoring him by not interacting, just for reference’s sake) J would like, point something out and make a cheeky comment at me, or silently show me a thing that I could ogle or touch because it was soft and stuff like that. And like E wasn’t really paying attention but J and I kept making jokes about all the shoddy plastic mermaid stuff in the kids’ section and kept finding more and more stuff to make increasingly hilarious jokes about, to the point he was like “This is my new aesthetic now” and I was like “Time to delete your page and make a new one!” (He has like 60K + followers on Insta bc he does loads of emo mua stuff)

Like we had so many little inside jokes and he and I kept geeking out over the FNaF stuff together and like, even the little tacky ribbons and bows (like the genuinely ugly ones) in the girls’ clothing section and how even though it was awful we both liked it and like!! Ya know!! And like the entire time all THREE of us were included, but not all the time at the same time if that makes sense? Like we didn’t all have to always be engaged, but we were still all involved, and like we each had little dichotomies going on between us as pairs (me and J, me and E, them two), idk if I’m wording that right lmao. But it didn’t feel forced and it didn’t feel excluding! Which?!

I’ve never had that. Like he always makes me feel like I matter and am literally a part of the group, instead of an afterthought or a tag-a-lolng. And like he does it in a way that makes me know he’s making sure I know, but also does NOT feel like he’s going out of his way to do it. Like it feels super natural. God like it was such small, little things dude like?

And E isn’t into FNaF pretty much at all, but knows we both really are. So he’ll point stuff out to us because he knows how much we love it, but he can’t really engage in the freaking out lmfao. But J was like freaking out with me left and right over so much stuff like over watches and plushes and figurines and stuff (all in Walmart like damn, now that I’m breaking this down we really DO have a good fucking store lmao) and we like discussed lore and made jokes and like.

I HAVEN’T HAD THIS IN SO LONG OKAY????

And then like, so I work somewhere I get an employee discount, and then an additional clothing discount (even on clearanced stuff, which is FANTASTIC because that means if we have clearanced shirts I like, I can get brand new clothing on the super cheap which is something I very much so value as someone who lives well below the poverty line) and because of that I managed to get two FNaF snapbacks for just over 5 dollars after tax, or just under, idr precisely. But basically two LICENSED OFFICIAL SNAPS for 5 bucks. These are 20 dollar hats lmfao. And I gave one of them to J because that’s why I got two of them, yeah? And so like, he got this new hat a week or so ago that he’s OBSESSED with and he wears it everywhere right now, and of course he was wearing it when he got here. I gave him the snap and he IMMEDIATELY swapped out his bunny hat for the snap, and then wore it the literal rest of the night. (Also? It looked REALLY gd good over the red wig he was wearing, god damn that was a look.)

So many little things, you know?? Like so so many holy shit. I’M NOT DONE AAAA

So then like when we got back we decided to marathon Monster High because E and I have never seen it and J is completely in love with it and does loads of cosplays and makeup looks for it on his account right. We marathoned 2 full seasons of it last night, all three of us bundled on the couch in separate blanket piles. (It was actually really fucking funny looking tbh xD) And like I mentioned he could use the blanket I made if he wanted so he spent the rest of the night with it wrapped around his shoulders dragging it everywhere lmfao and then like he mentioned he was in a bundle up and cuddle something quiet kinda mood (all three of us were pretty low energy yesterday so it worked for the best, I feel) so I gave him Ace, who is my current comfort plushy I got recently (he’s a Squishmallow!!) and he spent HOURS just hugging and cuddling and idly playing with Ace and it was the cutest fucking thing oh my g o d.

And like so he and E are close. Dating. I hate it. I still love E. I don’t want to. It hurts. It. Really hurts. And I’ve never really talked about it because I don’t fucking want to, it REALLY hurts me. And every time E would get kinda tentatively snuggly with J (they’re very considerate of me and kind of not sure what they are, so it wasn’t malicious or anything, but it was painful) I would get kinda quiet and just make sure I was focusing on the show or my phone. But by the end of the night, E was laying half on J’s shoulder, and J was sitting cockeyed and leaning heavily into me in a way that didn’t mush my spine or hips (usually a big issue just because I’m fragile lmfao) and like I was casually in contact with him for the last couple hours he was here and just.

So many small things.

And like god fuck you can all ignore this jfc xD But!! So his favorite favorite character, like kin-level seriously-relate-to-him-so-much cosplay-him-on-the-regs character is Jackson. And he really loves Holt as well cause duh of course he does. And like!!! I relate to him so fucking MUCH. And I’ve only seen two seasons but I was internally freaking out because of the way Jackson is and like the music being the trigger for Holt Hyde because I’m extremely sound sensitive and like!!! AAAAAAAAAa new character attachment babey and he was like SUPER SUPER SUPER excited that we both loved MH as much as we did and that I was so IMMEDIATELY attached to Jackson and just.

Gaaaaaaaah. I just. I’m happy. I’m in trouble lmao but man. Right now,,, I’m just happy.

[disorderrd]

what do u think would be the ideal job for sb who has SZPD and NPD (i.e. me)? ok maybe not the ideal one but what kind of job in general do u think would fit?

honestly i don’t know, but i can tell you what i’ve experienced. i’ve worked in the food industry, the entertainment industry, and in retail. i’m gunna put it under a cut and go into way too much detail.

what iv found is that the food industry and retail worked decently for my szpd because theyre simple, cut and dry, repetitive jobs. you just do the work and leave.

i have a decent retail persona so being a cashier was always really easy, mostly when i worked in a convenience store where there was only one of us staffed at any time. i didn’t have coworkers to deal with during my shift and i usually worked the graveyard shift and i’d close the store. i only ever saw my coworkers when i was doing a shift change. did nothing for my npd but i had other supply sources at the time.

with food i had coworkers but i basically manipulated all of them into doing my jobs for me yikes. i got really good at making other people think i needed help and so they’d usually do my tasks if i was “struggling” because they liked me and thought they were being nice. so like, i had to socialize there but i used it to my advantage. not too bad and i got my boss to like me enough that he’d literally just buy me alcohol at the end of every day, but i snapped pretty hard @ customers sometimes, because let’s face it, customers are dicks, mostly when ordering food. there’s some strange level of entitlement that seems to come through people when they’re watching you prepare their meals, and having my pleasantries ignored automatically rips my polite persona in half. if ppl were rude i was instantly an asshole right back pff, fuck them.

the entertainment industry is up and down. i’ve been a production assistant, a camera assistant, and an actor. acting obviously does wonders for my narcissism, and the spotlight and attention is great, but only shortly. i get tired of dealing with people pretty quickly and actors have to talk to A Lot of them. the payoff was still pretty rewarding tho. a movie i was in went to a film festival and a lot of people complimented me when they noticed me afterwards so like, ykno, that can be really chill. PA work was pretty insufferable, as it’s 100% u being run around by someone with a better paying job than you. like…coffee runs made me suicidal lmfao. i know i wasn’t getting talked down to and it was literally just my job but wow it is Not enjoyable. camera assistant was nice because theres the same sort of rigidity to the job where u have set tasks to do, and while theres still a level of that “being bossed around” thing, i was still above a decent amount of people and got to do some bossing around of my own, and being on movie sets in general makes me feel sort of important (mostly when filming on location so people are walking by and gawking). on one movie i even had an intern of my own. that was sweet lol.

but…shit man i dunno. it’s sort of hard, because i feel like the, job wise, SZPD/NPD combo makes u need a boss to make you do things but not be bossed around at the same time. i wont do anything unless someone tells me to but if i feel talked down to i get mad. acting was good in that sense because i got praised for something i do literally every day: faking a persona. and people always complimented me over the person who wrote the script, even tho their job was definitely harder. overall tho id say solitary jobs work best because you can always get ur narc supply somewhere else and just have ur job be the necessary money maker. ideally id love a job where i could be noticed and admired but also left alone. i don’t know how to do that. the only thing i can think of is like, making something by urself that’s notable. like writing a book or making a comic or some shit. or maybe going into some kind of science where you can get praised for your findings that you discovered while working in a lab alone. but like...then the issue with my lack of drive comes up. i don’t have the self discipline to create a Whole Ass Thing i feel like...i don’t care enough....

i honestly dunno dude, good fucking luck lmfao, theres a fuckton of text here but very little helpful information

[soundof-rain]

Journey with spirituality pt.2

Failing with “magical” trinkets and oils led me to do the spiritual work the good old fashioned way, shadow work. Shadow work can be anything for anyone but in a general sense it’s confronting the parts of yourself that you’ve neglected or otherwise ignored & heal it, forgive it, show it love as you would your favorite part of yourself. Shadow work can be a bit tricky to get into especially if you’re anything like me, someone who plainly ignored things about myself I didn’t like or didn’t want to deal with, it can be hard to even recognize these parts and pieces of yourself because you don’t even acknowledge them to begin with; almost like you forgot about them completely but you never really do. And so i began using meditation as a insight tool to help me recognize what it is that I needed to heal within myself besides the so very obvious depression, anxiety & drug abuse. For me it was easier to take time and really delve into these parts of myself because i’ve always spent copious amounts of time by myself in my room, my mother created this super annoying say around the house that I’m “hibernating” because of when I used to sleep 25/8 in my really bad days of depression or otherwise just hiding from the rest of the family because I couldn’t be bothered, and it stuck like glue giving me even more reason to stay cooped up in my room to avoid the “ Oh she’s not hibernating anymore, Oh we finally see you today huh?” remarks. It became normal to not see or hear from me for days, sometimes weeks at a time since I was pretty quiet anyways so it never raised any alarm that I was m.i.a majority of the time. As I said before I believe that spending so much time alone played a huge part in my spiritual journey because it was never really difficult to sit with myself and dive deep, I did it on the regular, the hardest part was looking at it from a different perspective and understanding, like REALLY understanding. I knew that this process wouldn’t happen overnight so I was prepared to go through the highs and lows of this transition no matter how long it might take because in the end I would be further than where I began and better than what I was when I began, this provided me with all the solace I needed. The first place I decided to start with my healing was with my mommy issues, my initial thought was that if I get my BIGGEST issue out of the way first everything else may not be as hard, a truth as well as a lie I would come to find out. I severely underestimated exactly how bad my trauma was surrounding my mother or authority figures in general, because again I completely ignored this part of my life as if it didn’t matter, so it definitely was a process to really shift my mindset and understand from a point of view outside of my wounded one, forgiving was almost impossible at first. My story with mothers is a sad one to say the least but not impossible to believe, I was born and immediately given up for adoption so for the longest time I had no information about my birth mother, no face, name , nothing until one day while my foster mother was out I snuck to look through our picture buckets (she hated us looking through the buckets for what I found out was fear of us discovering things she wanted to keep hidden from us) and I found a single photo hidden deep within the back of an old album of my birth mother and I. There was only one but it was all I needed to get me by at the time since I could finally put a face to a figure but what I didn’t expect was that I already knew exactly what my mother looked like; me. It was a shocking to see that I’ve been looking at my mother everyday when I look in the mirror, I was her spitting image as if I was made of her and no one else, same exact everything and even though that made me sooo happy it also made me completely sad at the same time because then the inevitable question stapled itself to the forefront of my mind; why didn’t she want me ? This question both drove and disabled me because it forced me to realize that I was in fact neglected twice in my life by two different “mothers” one I never got a chance to meet , the other just completely disregarding my presence unless it benefited her in some way. My relationship with my foster mother was fine until I was about ten years old, around the time I found out I was adopted, I always knew but hearing from my friend just made it even more real for me. It’s almost as if my foster mom had some type of super knowing because life turned to shit immediately after, of course there were still plenty good days had but I can’t remember if they even involved her to be honest, she was the type of mom that just didn’t care. Over the years I transitioned from the super intelligent star child to the mediocre rebel to the all around druggy disgrace in my mothers eyes and she never once took responsibility as to why that might be, as soon as the honor roll certificates stopped rolling out , which was pretty early on, I wasn’t of importance. The roll my foster mother played in my life is pretty questionable but so obvious at the same time, she was there physically but that’s all, emotionally & mentally she wasn’t anywhere to be found, this led to years of emotional, verbal and mental abuse and all around neglect which in turn made me raise myself even in a house full of people because no one seemed competent enough to handle the task. Early on I decided that putting my energy into hating my mother wasn’t doing me any good so I just ignored her for a good part of my life, only speaking to her when I felt like it, or needed something important, some would say that’s manipulative but you haven’t been in my shoes to understand even a half of why it had to be this way for me. Now that I decided to face my mommy demons I also had to accept my part in everything that happened which meant realizing that I too was in the wrong for my rebelling and cold behavior towards my mother even though she definitely deserved it, it still wasn’t right, moving forward with this mindset I decided to do a sort of ritual where I stated both of our wrong doings out into the open of my empty bedroom and acknowledged that she did the best of her ability with raising me  as well as forgave her for everything she’s ever done to me ( or didn’t do for me) , the release I felt in my heart that moment was such a beautiful feeling but it would be very hard to keep it there. From that point on I decided I would do better by my mother in hopes of patching our relationship for the sake of my own personal growth, I would make myself present around her more, offer my assistance more and just be present wherever she was concerned yknow do the little things that made her happy but the nice time was short lived as always since nothing could ever make her truly happy; nothing except control and money. Even though I was doing right by my mother and not complaining about her sometimes annoying needs she doubled back into her ego once more and began talking down on me like she had done so many times before in my life but this time it was relentless, literally (i have people who can vouch) every morning for months I was the topic of her discussion, every morning she made a mission to point out how lazy and problematic I was for her and how I needed to get out of her house even when I did absolutely nothing to her, this definitely took a shot to my ego because I thought we were moving past this phase for good ; of course not , not with freda. Though I was very confused and hurt I didn’t feel the need to go back into my rebellious ways I was too old for that and much more enlightened so I did what I knew best in those times, I simply cried and prayed that things would get better for me, I did began ignoring her again though because her abuse was just too much for my recovering mental to tolerate so I just focused on myself and my growth so I could get the fuck out of dodge. For a time I slipped back into drug abuse I smoked weed every single day multiple times a day like it was nothing because at the time it was and it helped me ignore her better but after a while it wasn’t fun just something to get the time to go by faster, I realized that being high severely hindered my growth spiritually so I decided to take a break for a while to help myself , I began putting my time into things I used to love doing as a child but got disconnected from due to depression and ended up deciding to write a book about depression and my experience with it. Working on this book helped me a lot as far as being useful with my time as well as giving me a healthy means to express my feelings and escape the pain I felt on a daily , I felt productive and confident knowing I was doing something that would one day help a lot of people but that was short lived as well sadly, I began getting preoccupied with other things and smoking once again. Fast forward a couple months to summer time now my mother is still belittling me every chance she gets and i’m still working on myself spiritually ignoring her presence, around this time however she began being a huge asshole about money just because she THOUGHT she knew I was getting some, she wanted me to pay rent now claiming that it had went up because of me so either had to pay or get out lmao. I’m not going to go into the details of everything that happened but here’s the long story short: My mother finally let my brother that was a year older than I come back in the house & she began using him as her slave which meant she didn’t need me around anymore once again ( this is when the lovely morning messages started ) the only way I could stay in her presence was to pay her no if and’s or buts about it, I wasn’t doing that though because I literally didn’t do shit inside the house but shower and sleep she was even bold enough to tell me that once I paid rent I could eat inside the house again LMFAO she had to be crazy, this didn’t sit right with her especially because she wanted me to be miserable and I wasn’t I was going out and living my life having fun as I should’ve been doing the entire time ! We stopped speaking AGAIN nothing new, now she’s directing her anger onto my brother because she knows it’s not bothering me and he’s taking it hard because growing up he was the target for her most disgusting abuse& neglect (physical too) but he never got the chance to heal from it even a little bit, so now i’m basically taking on his trauma and being his support system because I know just how fragile he and his mind really was, she upped her tactics and began removing every source of comfort we could’ve enjoyed in our supposed to be home ; we couldn’t enjoy our own porch, my room, nor the tent in the BACKYARD, she made it her mission to get us away from her one way or another but she still relied on us for help? Manipulation and abuse at it’s finest. One day following a reading I decided I wasn’t going to be intimidated or silenced by her anymore so I went downstairs and got a cup of water after avoiding her presence for so long and she asked me was I going to pay rent, i asked her how was I going to pay rent with no money, I also asked her why would I pay rent if I did nothing in the house that required me to pay rent I used minimal water compared to my olderer brother who takes 2 hour showers multiple times a day, minimal electricity compared to my young nephew who uses 2 computers, his light and almost every game he has everyday all day I barely even turn on the light in my room! This turned into a huge argument because 1. I was finally standing up for myself all the way and 2. she couldn’t handle the fact that I wasn’t going to conform to her completely stupid requests; the youngest sibling of the house having to pay rent for doing nothing meanwhile the older ones get to disrespect, fuck around, eat all the food, and pay nothing ? WAS NOT FUCKING HAPPENING ! She also hated that some of my older siblings were on my side about how stupid she sounded for why she wanted me to pay rent , “because I had a room” i’m the youngest sibling & your responsibility why shouldn’t I have a room? Excuse me according to her the minute I turned 18 i’m nothing to her and she very clearly proved that point. Back to the argument though , in the middle of it something happened , I had to turn and throw up mid argument come to find out later that that was me purging the final pieces of captivity and being scared of ms. freda and boy was it a freeing feeling, I cut the argument short after having a huge burst of anger and yelling in her face I realized that my nephew was witnessing all of this and I wanted to spare him the childhood I had so I left my final thoughts to which she gave me the end of the month to get my shit and move out I gladly agreed and went upstairs only to call my bestfriend and have a full on anxiety attack . I had never had one before at least not as intense as it had been that day I couldn’t talk I couldn’t breathe, I just sat crying, gasping  for air and throwing up whatever little was left in my body, I ended up hanging up on her at one point to spare her hearing my messy outburst and to gather myself,  even though that moment felt like forever it was short lived thank god. ~

Final part will be up soon <3