#also i can't for the life of me remember what this quote/concept is from so if anyone knows pls lmk

[alitgblog]

came up with this idea last week before SOMEONE got "dumped" so let's just pretend this is pre hideaway volume IV

[wilcze-kudly]

Hey so can we like stop with the "Zutara is for the girls and Kataang is for the boys" thing. It's silly and it's breakdancing just on the edge of gender essentialism.

The assumption that there is something inherent to Zutara that appeals predominantly to women and Kataang that appeals predominantly to men is dishonest because every ship can have appeal to all genders.

The discussion of the "female gaze" in Zutara and the "male gaze" in Kataang is also redundant. I enjoy dissecting the concept of "the gaze", however it is important to note that the "female gaze" doesn't have a set definition or grouping of conventions it adheres to. Lisa French,  Dean of RMIT University’s School of Media and Communication says:

“The female gaze is not homogeneous, singular or monolithic, and it will necessarily take many forms... The aesthetic approaches, experiences and films of women directors are as diverse as their individual life situations and the cultures in which they live. The "female' gaze” is not intended here'to denote a singular concept. There' are many gazes."

Now excuse me as I put on my pretentious humanistics student hat.

Kataang's appeal to women and the female gaze

Before I start, I want to note that the female gaze is still a developing concept

There are very few female film directors and writers, and most of them are white. The wants and desires of women of colour, the demographic Katara falls into, are still wildly underepresented. Additionally, the concept of the female gaze had many facets, due to it being more focused on emotional connections rather than physical appearance as the male gaze usually is. Which means that multiple male archetypes fall into the category of "for the female gaze".

The "female gaze" can be best described as a response to the "male gaze", which was first introduced by Laura Mulvey in her paper: "Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema" , however the term "male gaze" itself was not used in the paper.

Mulvey brought up the concept of the female character and form as the passive, objectified subject to the active voyeuristic male gaze, which the audience is encouraged to identify, usually through the male character.

To quote her:

"In a world ordered by sexual imbalance', pleasure' in looking has been split between active'/male' and passive/female'. The determining male gaze' projects its fantasy onto the female' figure', which is styled accordingly."

Mulvey also brings up the concept of scopopfillia (the term being introduced by Freud), the concept of deriving sexual gratification from both looking and being looked at. This concept has strong overtones of voyeurism, exhibitionism and narcissism, placing forth the idea that these overtones are what keeps the male viewer invested. That he is able to project onto the male character, therefore being also able to possess the passive female love interest.

However, it's important to note that Mulvey's essay is very much a product of its times, focused on the white, heterosexual and cisgender cinema of her time. She also drew a lot of inspiration from Freud's questionable work, including ye ole penis envy. Mulvey's paper was groundbreaking at the time, but we can't ignore how it reinforces the gender binary and of course doesn't touch on the way POC, particularly women of colour are represented in film.

In her paper, Mulvey fails to consider anyone who isn't a white, cis, heterosexual man or woman. With how underrepresented voices of minorities already are both in media and everyday life, this is something that we need to remember and strive to correct.

Additionally Mulvey often falls into gender essentialism, which I previously mentioned at the beginning of this post. Funny how that keeps coming up

"Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema" started a very interesting and important conversation, and I will still be drawing from certain parts of it, however huge swathes of this text have already become near archaic, as our culture and relationship with media evolves at an incredible pace.

And as filmaking evolves, so does our definition of the male and female gaze. So let's see what contemporary filmakers say of it.

In 2016, in her speech during the Toronto International Film Festival , producer of the TV series Transparent, Jill Soloway says:

“Numero uno, I think the Female Gaze is a way of “feeling seeing”. It could be thought of as a subjective camera that attempts to get inside the protagonist, especially when the protagonist is not a Chismale. It uses the frame to share and evoke a feeling of being in feeling, rather than seeing – the characters. I take the camera and I say, hey, audience, I’m not just showing you this thing, I want you to really feel with me.

[Chismale is Soloway's nickname for cis males btw]

So the term "female gaze" is a bit of a misnomer, since it aims to focus on capturing the feelings of characters of all genders. It's becoming more of a new way of telling stories in film, rather than a way to cater to what white, cisgender, heterosexual women might find attractive in a man.

Now, Aang is the decided protagonist of the show, however, Atla having somewhat of an ensemble cast leads to the perspective shifting between different characters.

In the first episode of atla, we very much see Katara's perspective of Aang. She sees him trapped in the iceberg, and we immediately see her altruism and headstrong nature. After she frees Aang, we are very much first subjected to Katara's first impressions of him, as we are introduced to his character. We only see a sliver of Aang's perspective of her, Katara being the first thing he sees upon waking up.

We see that she is intrigued and curious of him, and very excited about his presence. She is endeared and amused by his antics. She is rediscovering her childish side with his help. She is confiding in him about her own trauma surrounding the Fire Nation's genocide of the Southern Waterbenders. She is willing to go against her family and tribe ans leave them behind to go to the Northern Water Tribe with Aang. We also see her determination to save him when he is captured.

As the show moves on and the plot kicks into gear, we do shift more into Aang's perspective. We see his physical attraction to her, and while we don't see Katara's attraction quite as blatantly, there are hints of her interest in his appearance.

This is where we get deeper into the concept of Aang and Katara's mutual interest and attraction for one another. While her perspective is more subtle than most would like, Katara is not purely an object of Aang's desire, no more than he is purely an object of her desire.

When analysing this aspect of Katara and Aang's relationship, I couldn't help but be reminded of how Célene Sciamma's Portrait of a lady on fire (in my personal opinion, one of the best studies of the female gaze ever created) builds up its romance, and how it places a strong emphasis on the mutuality of the female gaze.

Portrait of a lady on fire's cinematography is very important to the film. We see the world through the perspective of our protagonist, a painter named Marianne. We also see her love interest, Héloïse, the woman whom she is hired to paint a portrait of, through Marianne's lense.

We see Marianne analyse Héloïse's appearance, her beauty. We look purely through Marianne's eyes at Héloïse for a good part of the movie, but then, something unexpected happens. Héloïse looks back. At Marianne, therefore, in some way, also at the audience. While Marianne was studying Héloïse, Héloïse was studying Marianne.

We never shift into Héloïse's perspective, but we see and understand that she is looking back at us. Not only through her words, when she for example comments on Marianne's mannerisms or behaviours, but also hugely through cinematography and acting of the two amazing leads. (Noémie Merlant as Marianne and Adèle Haenel as Héloïse. They truly went above and beyond with their performances.)

This is a huge aspect of the female gaze's implementation in the film. The camera focuses on facial expressions, eyes and body language, seeking to convey the characters' emotions and feelings. There's a focus on intense, longing and reciprocated eye contact (I have dubbed this the Female Gays Gaze.). The characters stand, sit or lay facing each other, and the camera rarely frames one of them as taller than the other, which would cause a sense of power imbalance.

The best way to describe this method of flimaking is wanting the audience to see the characters, rather than to simply look at them. Sciamma wants us to empathise, wants us to feel what they are feeling, rather than view them from a distance. They are to be people, characters, rather than objects.

Avatar, of course, doesn't display the stunning and thoughtful cinematography of Portrait of a Lady on Fire, and Katara and Aang's relationship, while incredibly important, is only a part of the story rather than the focus of it.

However, the 'Kataang moments' we are privy to often follow a similar convention to the ones between Marianne and Héloïse that I mentioned prior.

Theres a lot of shots of Katara and Aang facing each other, close ups on their faces, particularly eyes, as they gaze at one another.

Katara and Aang are often posited as on equal grounds, the camera not framing either of them as much taller and therefore more powerful or important than the other. Aang is actually physically shorter than Katara, which flies in the face in usual conventions of the male fantasy. (I will get to Aang under the male gaze later in this essay)

And even in scenes when Aang is physically shown as above Katara, particularly when he's in the Avatar state, Katara is the one to pull him down, maintaining their relationships as equals.

Despite most of the show being portrayed through Aang's eyes, Katara is not a passive object for his gaze, and therefore our gaze, to rest upon. Katara is expressive, and animated. As an audience, we are made aware that Katara has her own perspective. We are invited to take part in it and try to understand it.

Not unlike to Portrait of a Lady on Fire, there is a lot of focus placed on mannerisms and body language, an obvious example being Katara often playing with her hair around Aang, telegraphing a shy or flustered state. We also see her express jealousy over Aang, her face becoming sour, brows furrowed. On one occasion she even blew a raspberry, very clearly showing us, the audience, her displeasure with the idea of Aang getting attention from other girls.

Once again, this proves that Katara is not a passive participant in her own relationship, we are very clealry shown her perspective of Aang. Most of the scenes that hint at her and Aang's focus on their shared emotions, rather than, for example, Katara's beauty.

Even when a scene does highlight her physical appearance, it is not devoid of her own thoughts and emotions. The best example of this being the scene before the party in Ba Sing Se where we see Katara's looking snazzy in her outfit. Aang compliments her and Katara doesn't react passively, we see the unabashed joy light up her face, we can tell what she thinks of Aang's comment.

In fact, the first moment between Katara and Aang sets this tone of mutual gaze almost perfectly. Aang opens his eyes, and looks at Katara. Katara looks back.

There is, once again, huge focus on their eyes in this scene, the movement of Aang's eyelids right before they open draws out attention to that part of his face. When the camera shows us Katara, is zooms in onto her expression as it changes, her blinking also drawing attention to her wide and expressive eyes.

This will not be the first time emphasis is placed on Katara and Aang's mutual gaze during a pivotal moment in the show. Two examples off the top of my head would be the Ends of B2 and B3 respevtively. When Katara brings Aang back to life, paralleling the first time they laid eyes on one another. And at the end of the show, where their gaze has a different meaning behind it.

We see Katara's emotions and her intent telegraphed clearly in these instances.

In Book 1, we see her worry for this strange bald boy who fell out of an iceberg, which melts away to relief and a hint of curiosity once she ascertains that he isn't dead.

In B2 we once again see worry, but this time it's more frantic. Her relationship with Aang is much dearer to her heart now, and he is in much worse shape. When we see the relief on her face this time, it manifests in a broad smile, rather than a small grin. We can clearly grasp that her feelings for Aang have evolved.

In B3, we step away from the rule because Aang isn't on the verge of death or unconsciousness for the first time. It is also the first time in a situation like this that Aang isn't seeing Katara from below, but they are on equal footing. I attribute this to symbolising change of pace for their relationship.

The biggest obstacle in the development of Katara and Aang's romance was the war, which endangered both their lives. Due to this, there was a hesitance to start their relationship. In previous scenes that focused this much on Aang and Katara's mutual gaze, Aang was always in a near dead, or at least 'dead adjacent' position. This is is a very harsh reminder that he may very well die in the war, and the reason Katara, who has already endured great loss, is hesitant to allow her love for him to be made... corporeal.

However, now Aang is standing, portraying that the possibily of Katara losing him has been reduced greatly with the coming of peace, the greatest obstacle has been removed, and Katara is the one to initiate this kiss.

Concurrently, Katara's expression here does not portray worry or relief at all, because she has no need to be worried or relieved. No, Katara is blushing, looking directly at Aang with an expression that can be described as a knowing smile. I'd argue that this description is accurate, because Katara knows that she is about to finally kiss the boy she loves.

Ultimately, Katara is the one who initiates the kiss that actually begins her and Aang's romantic relationship.

Kataang's appeal to women is reflected in how Katara is almost always the one to initiate physical affection with Aang. With only 3 exceptions, one of which, the Ember Island kiss being immediately shown by the narrative as wrong, and another being a daydream due to Aang's sleep deptivation. The first moment of outwardly romantic affection between Aang and Katara is her kissing his cheek. And their last kiss in the show is also initiated by Katara.

I won't falsely state that Kataang is the perfect representation of the female gaze. Not only because the storyline has its imperfections, as every piece of media has. But also because I simply belive that the concept of the female gaze is too varied and nebulous to be fully expressed. With this essay, I simply wanted to prove that Kataang is most certainly not the embodiment of catering to the male gaze either. In fact it is quite far from that.

The aspects of Kataang that fall more towards embodying the female gaze don't just appeal to women. There's a reason a lot of vocal Kataang shippers you find are queer. The mutual emotional connection between Katara and Aang is something we don't have to identify with, but something we are still able to emphasise with. It's a profound mutual connection that we watch unfold from both perspectives that sort of tracends more physical, gendered aspects of many onscreen romances. You just need to see instead of simply look.

✨️Bonus round✨️

Aang under the gaze

This started off as a simple part of the previous essay, however I decided I wanted to give it it's own focus, due to the whole discourse around Aang being a wish-fullfilling self insert for Bryke or for men in genral. I always found this baffling considering how utterly... unappealing Aang is to the male gaze.

It may surprise some of you that men are also subjected to the male gaze. Now sadly, this has nothing to do with the male gaze of the male gays. No, when male characters, usually the male protagonist, are created to cater to the male gaze, they aren't portrayed as sexually desirable passive objects, but they embody the active/masculine aide of the binary Laura Mulvey spoke of in the quote I shared at the beginning of this essay.

The protagonist under the male gaze is not the object of desire but rather a character men and boys would desire to be.

They're usually the pinnacle of traditional, stereotypical masculinity.

Appearance wise: muscular but too broad, chiseled facial features, smouldering eyes, depending on the genre wearing something classy or some manner of armour.

Personalitywise they may vary from the cool, suave James Bond type, or a more hotblooded forceful "Alpha male" type. However these are minor differences in the grand scheme of things. The basis is that this protagonist embodies some manner of idealised man. He's strong, decisive, domineering, in control, intimidating... you get the gist. Watch nearly any action movie. There's also a strong focus placed on having sway or power over others. Often men for the male gaze are presented as wealthy, having power and status. Studies (that were proved to be flawed in the way the data was gathered, I believe) say that womem value resources in potential male partners, so it's not surprising that the ideal man has something many believe would attract "mates". [Ew I hated saying that].

Alright, now let's see how Aang holds up to these standards.

Well... um...

Aang does have power, he is the Avatar. However, he is often actually ignored, blown off and otherwise dismissed, either due to his age or his personality and ideals being seen as unrealistic and foolish. Additionally, Aang, as a member of a culture lost a century ago, is also often posited as an outsider, singled out as weak, his beliefs touted as the reason his people died out and.

Physically, Aang doesn't look like the male protagonist archetype, either. He isn't your average late teens to brushing up against middle aged. Aang is very much a child and this is reflected in his soft round features, large eyes and short, less built body. This is not a build most men would aspire to. Now, he still has incredible physical prowess, due to his bending. But I'm not sure how many men are desperate to achieve the "pacifist 12 year old" build to attract women.

Hailing from a nation that had quite an egalitarian system, Aang wouldn't have conventional ideas surrounding leadership, even if he does step up into it later. He also has little in the way of possessions, by choice.

As for Aang's personality, well...

I mean I wouldn't exactly call him your average James Bond or superhero. Aang is mainly characterised through his kindness, empathy, cheerful nature and occasional childishness (which slowly is drained as the trauma intesifies. yay.)

Aang is very unwilling to initiate violence, which sets him aside from many other male protagonists of his era, who were champing at the bit to kick some ass. He values nature, art, dance and fun. He's in tune with his emotions. He tries to desecalate situations before he starts a fight.

Some would say many of Aang's qualities could be classified as feminine. While the other main male characters, Zuko and Sokka try to embody their respective concepts of the ideal man (tied to their fathers), Aang seems content with how he presents and acts. He feels no need to perform masculinity as many men do, choosing to be true to his emotions and feelings.

These "feminine" qualities often attract ridicule from other within the show. He is emasculated or infantiliased as a form of mockery multiple times, the most notable examples being the Ember Island play and Ozai tauntingly referring to him as a "little boy". Hell, even certain Aang haters have participated in this, for example saying that he looks like a bald lesbian.

I'd even argue that, in his relationships with other characters, Aang often represents the passive/feminine. Especially towards Zuko, Aang takes on an almost objectified role of a trophy that can be used to purchase Ozai's love. [Zuko's dehumanisation of others needs to be discussed later, but it isn't surprising with how he was raised and a huge part of his arc is steerring away from that way of thinking.]

Aang and Zuko almost embody certain streotypes about relationships, the forceful, more masculine being a literal pursuer, and the gentler, more feminine being pusued.

We often see Aang framed from Zuko's perspective, creating something akin to the mutual gaze of Katara and Aang, hinting at the potential of Zuko and Aang becoming friends, a concept that is then voiced explicitly in The Blue Spirit.

However, unlike Katara, Zuko is unable to empathise with Aang at first, still seeing Aang as more of an object than a person. We have here an interesting imbalance of Aang seeing Zuko but Zuko meerly looking at Aang.

There is a certain aspect of queer metaphor to Zuko's pursuit of Aang, but I fear I've gotten off topic.

Wrapping this long essay up, I want to reiterate that I'm not saying that Zutara isn't popular with women. Most Zutara shippers I've encountered are women. And most Kataang shippers I've encountered are... also women. Because fandom spaces are occupied predominantly by women.

I'm not exactly making a moral judgement on any shippers either, or to point at Kataang and go: "oh, look girls can like this too. Stop shipping Zutara and come ship this instead."

I want to point out that the juxtaposition of Zutara and Kataang as respectively appealing to the feminine and masculine, is a flawed endeavour because neither ship does this fully.

The concept of Kataang being a purely male fantasy is also flawed due to the points I've outlied in this post.

Are there going to be male Kataang shippers who self insert onto Aang and use it for wish fulfilment? Probably. Are there going to be male Zutara shippers who do the same? Also probably.

In the end, our interpretation of media, particularly visual mediums like film are heavily influenced by our own biases, interests, beliefs andmost importantly our... well, our gaze. The creators can try to steer us with meaningful shots and voiced thought, directing actors or animating a scene to be a certain way, but ultimately we all inevitably draw our own conclusions.

A fan of Zutara can argue that Kataang is the epitome of catering to the male gaze, while Zutara is the answer to women everywhere's wishes.

While I can just as easily argue the exact opposite.

It really is just a matter of interpretation. What is really interesting, is what our gaze says about us. What we can see of ourselves when the subject gazes back at us.

I may want to analyse how Zutara caters to the male gaze in some instances, if those of you who manage to slog through this essay enjoy the subject matter.

[hollowed-theory-hall]

What are your thoughts on vampires in the Harry Potter universe? The little we know suggests that vampires are mortal and can either be born or turned. Full-blooded vampires appear capable of passing down their traits genetically, creating half-vampires, or turning wizards into vampires. How do you think the concept of vampires fits into wizarding society?

Hello 👋

Vampires are a weird one. We're told so very little about them, and they seem more like an afterthought rather than fully-fledged beings. That in itself actually tells us something important — that vampires are kinda rare and not beings you will just stumble upon.

Vampires as Beings

As you mentioned, vampires in HP are capable of reproduction (Lorcan d'Eath who is a half-vampire), this to me suggests they are not only mortal, but that they can't actually turn other humans into vampires. I mean, if they could, they wouldn't need to reproduce. Also, the fact they are mortal (albeit with even longer lifespans than wizards) suggests they are alive and not undead as vampires are usually portrayed.

So basically, long-living but not immortal bloodsuckers that can't actually turn via a bite. The fact they can't turn humans actually makes how they are treated by wizards make much more sense, so that's what I chose to believe. Further quotes and explanations in the next section. It's under a cut because it got long:

Vampires in Wizarding Society

So how are vampires seen in the wizarding world?

I copied all the quotes from the books relevant to this to try and create a cohesive understanding of wizards' treatment of vampires and the interactions between wizards and vampires.

“Oh, yeah. Poor bloke. Brilliant mind. He was fine while he was studyin’ outta books but then he took a year off ter get some firsthand experience. ... They say he met vampires in the Black Forest, and there was a nasty bit o’ trouble with a hag — never been the same since. Scared of the students, scared of his own subject — now, where’s me umbrella?”

[...]

The class everyone had really been looking forward to was Defense Against the Dark Arts, but Quirrell’s lessons turned out to be a bit of a joke. His classroom smelled strongly of garlic, which everyone said was to ward off a vampire he’d met in Romania and was afraid would be coming back to get him one of these days.

(PS)

Vampires seem to live in secluded societies of their own, completely separate from wizards. Such vampire communities exist in Romania and in the Black Forest in Germany. In general, it seems vampires rarely leave their own communities and that they don't often foray into wizard spaces. Vampires are spoken of as cool mysterious beings because most wizards have never met a vampire in their life.

So vampires, unlike werewolves, are treated more as a dangerous curiosity rather than a physical threat (especially in the UK where there don't seem to be any major vampire communities).

That being said, wizards do treat vampires as dangerous. It seems reasonable to them to be traumatized by vampires.

Remember I mentioned I don't think HP vampires can turn with a bite? The whole thing with Quirrell is a bit of a proof of that. He was supposedly terrorized by vampires, that was everyone's assumption, so, they would then assume he was bitten and had his blood drunk, I mean, what else would vampires do to terrify him so much? But no one is concerned Quirrell is then a vampire even if it's logical to think he was bitten.

My conclusion from this is that vampires bite for food and the victim isn't turned. I assume most bite victims just die of blood loss, hence the danger factor. The fact vampires can't turn others is a major factor in why they seem to be treated with slightly more respect than werewolves.

I mean, an international singer (Lorcan d'Eath) can be a known part vampire and no one has a problem with it. There seem to be no rules against vampire employment or ownership of homes the way there are against werewolves. And I think this is because they are considered beings and not a disease the way Lycanthorpy is.

Harry looked into the shadowed eyes of Sirius Black, the only part of the sunken face that seemed alive. Harry had never met a vampire, but he had seen pictures of them in his Defense Against the Dark Arts classes, and Black, with his waxy white skin, looked just like one.

(PoA)

Harry just explains here the vampire look and I wanted to mention it. The fact Sirius is said to look like a vampire (and some descriptions from HBP) suggests vampires in the DADA books and in wizards' minds are, in general, hot.

This quote by Dean and some stuff I'll mention later:

“Wonder what they’ll give us next year?” said Seamus Finnigan gloomily. “Maybe a vampire,” suggested Dean Thomas hopefully.

(PoA)

Suggests vampires are seen as hot, mysterious, and dangerous by wizards and there are most definitely erotic magical novels with vampire love interests. Basically, vampires are seen as sexy, dangerous, exotic, and mysterious by wizards who never met them (which is most of them).

Ron and Hermione were standing underneath it, examining a tray of blood-flavored lollipops. Harry sneaked up behind them. “Ugh, no, Harry won’t want one of those, they’re for vampires, I expect,” Hermione was saying.

(PoA)

This shows some of the vampires' better treatment from werewolves. Even though there aren't many vampires in the UK, Honeydukes has blood-flavoured candy for vampires. They are seen as respected enough beings to have their own candy lines that are sold in wizarding shops. I don't think any other magical creature can say the same.

I pull down about a hundred sacks of Galleons a year!” one of them shouted. “I’m a dragon killer for the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures.” “No, you’re not!” yelled his friend. “You’re a dishwasher at the Leaky Cauldron. ... but I’m a vampire hunter, I’ve killed about ninety so far — ”

[...]

“That woman’s got it in for the Ministry of Magic!” said Percy furiously. “Last week she was saying we’re wasting our time quibbling about cauldron thickness, when we should be stamping out vampires! As if it wasn’t specifically stated in paragraph twelve of the Guidelines for the Treatment of Non-Wizard Part-Humans — ”

(GoF)

But they still are seen as "dark dangerous magical creatures" by some of wizard society. A wizard claims (he's 100% lying) to be a vampire hunter, so I assume some think that's something that should be done.

Even though Percy mentions vampire hunting is illegal according to the Guidelines for the Treatment of Non-Wizard Part-Humans. So while some wizards think vampires should be hunted down (like some people think werewolves should be hunted down) they are treated as human and therefore are protected by wizarding law, unlike werewolves who are discriminated against legally to a much worse degree.

“Harry, I’d like you to meet Eldred Worple, an old student of mine, author of Blood Brothers: My Life Amongst the Vampires — and, of course, his friend Sanguini.” Worple, who was a small, stout, bespectacled man, grabbed Harry’s hand and shook it enthusiastically; the vampire Sanguini, who was tall and emaciated with dark shadows under his eyes, merely nodded. He looked rather bored. A gaggle of girls was standing close to him, looking curious and excited.

[...]

“I would be delighted to write it myself — people are craving to know more about you, dear boy, craving! If you were prepared to grant me a few interviews, say in four- or five-hour sessions, why, we could have the book finished within months. And all with very little effort on your part, I assure you — ask Sanguini here if it isn’t quite — Sanguini, stay here,” added Worple, suddenly stern, for the vampire had been edging toward the nearby group of girls, a rather hungry look in his eye. “Here, have a pasty,” said Worple, seizing one from a passing elf and stuffing it into Sanguini’s hand before turning his attention back to Harry.

(HBP)

The final quote I want to bring up is the only vampire we ever see in the HP books. Sanguini is described exactly like Sirius is in PoA and how vampires are shown in DADA books, so there is some truth to these descriptions (or Worple found himself the perfect poster vampire to walk around with). The gaggle of giggling girls is also noteworthy as it adds to the idea that wizards see vampires as sexy, mysterious, and dangerous in a good way.

The fact both Worple and Lockhart find popularity and success with their books about vampire life, again shows wizards are curious and interested in reading about these mysterious beings called vampires. I'm sure there is a lot of trashy fiction dedicated to them because of that.

Sanguini, though, seems more interested in the girls' blood than anything. Like, it seems he doesn't mind drinking the blood from a bunch of random school girls, but it's hard to say if it's a vampire issue or that Sanguini personally just doesn't give a shit (Harry does mention he looks bored).

I find it odd how Worple talks to him like a dog, though. It shows again, wizards' sense of superiority. Even though they treat vampires like curiosities (which is better than most creatures get) they still don't see them as equal even if they are in the camp that doesn't want to hunt them down.

What's more surprising is that Sanguini listens. It's possible Sanguini and Worple are fucking and they are into that sort of thing, and that's my personal headcanon for it. Sanguini was there as Worple's secret date and nothing could convince me otherwise.

[goddessxeffect]

《 MASTERPOST: Let go and let God 》

Quotes from blog post and answers from other bloggers regarding certain topics based in the teachings of law of consciousness and non duality. This is a summary of everything I think is incredibly useful and has been for me in understanding and applying this lifestyle. Long post ahead.

Basics & Teaching

"I contain all, nothing contains me." - Nisargadatta Maharaj

This subject cannot be learned intellectually, it cannot be learned through the mind [ego] because it's perceived just behind the mind. We can use the mind to gradually undo the limitations enough so that we can get behind the mind by getting it quieter. @4dbarbie-backup

What you can point out as 'this' or 'that' cannot be yourself. Surely, you can not be 'something' else. You are nothing perceivable, or imaginable. Yet, without you there can be neither perception nor imagination. Identity or Ego is merely a pattern of events in time and space, which are also just concepts belonging to the world of ego.@4dbarbie-backup YOU are life. you are life itself. you are all. you are how this all works. "me? this body? this mind?" not the body, mind, ego or thoughts. not even the feeling, beliefs & emotions. i'm talking about Self. Infinity. God. I AM. the awareness. the one that observes all. the life force is you. you animate all of what you see. @lains-reality

Realize you are never not IT. We are actually fully realized all the time. We are fully realized Beings saying that we are not. @4dbarbie-backup There is no becoming "aware". You can't become something you already are! You keep forgetting you are not the body-mind (ego). The body-mind lacks things, the body-mind takes it's surroundings to be real. The body-mind has a very limited viewpoint, it knows what it knows, it only sees what it sees. @iamthat-iam The [body-]mind cannot intimidate the Pure Self, it can only intimidate the idea you have of who you are, your self image. what the mistake is, is that we are taking the idea of who we are as the fact of who we are.@lains-reality

Everything you see and experience is only a mental condition, a dream-like state, easy to dispel by questioning its reality. Both sleep and waking are imagined.@4dbarbie-backup Dreams are just "materializations" of whatever our consciousness is aware of while the body rests. You can touch it, you can interact with it, your senses become active when you're dreaming at times. there's even a phenomenon where people actually thought their dreams were memories or something they legitimately experienced.@piercedblunt "But I am not conscious of myself when sleeping?!" You are aware of something though, being unconscious, which manifests instantly, you are sleeping. Being unconscious is an experience, and you're doing the same thing in the waking state.@4dbarbie-backup

Let's now take a look at this so-called physical world. The apparent solid outer world is just an illusory world. We created it mentally, which is also backed up by human science. But, and that's the catch, it is not external and so the only way to control the outside world is to step out of the world. The ego IS IN the world, and not you. Both the ego and the world are IN YOU.@4dbarbie-backup

When 'you' desire something, you [Consciousness] already have it. How do you already have it? Your true self is everything, it can't desire anything if it's already being anything. Everything that your ego desires already exists within consciousness. Remember that whenever your ego tries to bring up a desire. @iamthat-iam After all, when 'you' desired in your mind, wasn't there a moment where you had it? Where you imagined what it'd be like to have it, what it'd look like or how it'd make you feel? @cheryawa It is not instantly visible to you because you identify with the body and not your pure being. No matter how much you use your mind/imagination, you are who you are regardless of the imagines playing in the head. I could think of a panda a million times, imagine what it's like being a panda a thousand more, that doesn't make me into a panda when I still know myself to be a person.@4dbarbie-backup

Here's a scale of emotions you'll go through in your journey, from bottom to top: apathy, grief, fear, hostility, anger, indifference, acceptance, freedom finally - and then unlimited, independent joy. @4dbarbie-backup It’s not an euphoric feeling either but a real feeling of knowing and with that - indifference and power. It is very calm and serene, as if nothing can disturb you. @adadisciple

I've been looking at the things I want as existing for me to experience them. When I have a desire, I experience it as something that already belongs to me because everything is coming from (within) me. @4dbarbie-backup

NON-DUALISM

"It is the Self that believes there is a person and is conscious of being IT." - Ada B.

Let's break the word down first. “Non” of course means “no” or “not.” And “dual” means “two.” So, non-dual means not two. It says there is only one. This is referring to you, awareness [or consciousness], that there is only you, [...] the only thing that exists. You are the true reality. The only purpose for awareness is to observe, to oversee, to be. Nothing more, nothing less. For example, awareness is human, it can take on a human form, but human is not awareness or defines awareness as a whole. A human is simply a temporary form, but awareness is always free to be aware of any other form @itzalizeyyy

Whatever you imagine is the same as seeing it in the physical world, because both are still being an observed experience by the awareness, and therefore both are the same, as one (imagination). @itzalizeyyy

Helpful metaphors: When you watch a movie, you know it is a movie bc you are outside of it. you are observing it. now what about the characters in the movie? they dont know its a movie bc they are not outside of it. they think they are just regular ppl and they dont see the truth, their true selfs: which is just characters in a movie. @msperfect777 The ego is like your character in the game (of life), it's already a "manifestation" so it can't manifest (just like a book can't write itself or another book). You are aware of a character you go through life with. @consciousnessbaddie

Ego Death is then the disappearance of the egoistic sense of Self. You feel that your are no longer that.You don't disappear; you don't lose anything. There's no reason to fear losing your body, or losing anything. Yet, most of us are fearful that we're going to lose our body and be nothing. That's a serious error. You could be a hundred bodies! When the idea 'I am this body' dies, the witness does not. Death is merely the idea 'I have lost my body'. What you think yourself to be before death continues to be after death. Your sense of Self survives. @4dbarbie-backup

In Non Dualism, the goal is to stop identifying with ego and realize who you are.You see there's no seperation between you and anything so that means everything you once "desired" is already who you are. You never feel the sense of desire again because of this. Any "physical materialization" that happens after will not seem like such a big deal, since it was already who they were to begin with. @iamthat-iam

"I am that, I have always been that. All is well. There are no mistakes. I am in my right place." All you have to do is realize/ know your are not the mind (= identitiy, character, ego). Robert Adams

Self-Inquiry

" To know the source as source and appearance as appearance, and oneself as the source only is self-realization " - Ada B.

The mind is doing a good job actually, because it bites you and kicks you and teases you, because if it doesnt do that, then you'll want to make this limited feel your home.@lains-reality

Every thought is a thing of limitation. Therefore when we quiet the mind, we still these limiting thoughts and this infinite Being that we are becomes self obvious to us. We have convinced ourselves over the millenniums that we are these limited bodies, and we think it takes time to let go of these concepts of limitation. But time is a thing of the ego, it's a thought. @4dbarbie-backup

Learn the art of being aware of you (awareness). [...] You must not become what you already are, as the detached witness of every thought or sensation that comes and goes. [...] The practice of self-inquiry is returning to the fact of who and what you are. @anon-i-mus

It's a kind of surrendering but to me, truthfully and honestly, it felt more like a giving up. Even if it makes you miserable, accept the person you're identified with until you no more fear it or care if you stay the same. @4dbarbie-backup

-> Questions to ask yourself

Detachment

"Transcend your desires and your fears and you will have everything." - Ada B.

As Buddha taught, the root of suffering is attachment. It is not having the emotions and thoughts [...] but resisting or supressing them, and resisting the transitory nature of life and all things. Emotions and thoughts pass. No big deal. It is holding on to them when they are just coming up to leave or pass through that causes suffering. @lains-reality You need not stop thinking. Just cease being interested. It is disinterestedness that liberates. If you say, “There's no problem,” they won't vanish because you're saying, “There's no problem.” You're mentally holding onto the problem and therefore sustaining it. Erase the problem from your mind means to know (be aware) that everything is perfect and then the problem is necessarily non-existent. Basically, let go of it, because the problem is just an illusion. @4dbarbie-backup

You then ask how to stop being "Vanessa" ? - the reason you can't stop is because it's ALL YOU THINK YOU ARE. For example: You're driving a car. "I AM" is the car. You know how to drive it because you're already driving it by being Vanessa. Vanessa is something you add to the "I AM" and not you. You can't stop being Vanessa while being Vanessa! I think that's what everyone keeps asking: Vanessa wants to be Lara, not awareness [first]. @4dbarbie-backup

To talk of re-uniting the person with the self is also not right, because there is no person, only a mental picture given a false reality by conviction. Nothing was divided and there is nothing to unite. You are That. @4dbarbie-backup Nothing can remove your being. Nothing has ever stained your being.@lains-reality You think you have to do this and that because you think you're it, and you should act from it. That is not the case. There's nothing to do except disbelieve. But disbelieving and denial are not the same thing. Denial is when you deny reality to something you're already giving reality to. @4dbarbie-backup

Detachment is not lonely. It's freedom and it's real love. Needing is selfish, it's self-centered. The self has no preference and it's because of that that it can be everything. @4dbarbie-backup

Some of you are on this path for a while but to some extent still are identified with ego and that's OK. Don't get caught up in "your" expectations of what self-realization is supposed to be like. The expectations are making you turn this into a task, when it is supposed to be effortless. Yes, we have talked about feeling peaceful once you've realized yourself, but you're going to need to drop the expectations. It's okay if ego isn't completely grasping it, ego isn't real and it isn't who you are. @iamthat-iam

Fear is an invitation to remember who you truly are. Acknowledging fear doesn't make you any less worthy of or further away from what you truly desire. Similarly, acknowledging your shadows does not dim the Light that you are. The shadows you battle against are simply the seeming absence of you. Becoming entangled in the world of shadows is simply the forgetting of your Self; and Light casts shadows that come and go only to remember itself. The truth is that Light knows no opposition or enemy. Shadows have no separate existence from Light. Your fears are made of you. @lains-reality

The more I detached from ego, the freer I was to imagine what ego wanted without interference from conflicting thoughts/thoughts that "oppose" the desire. @iamthat-iam In fact, abandon all imaginings and know yourself as you are. Self-knowledge is detachment. All craving is due to a sense of insufficiency. @4dbarbie

To anyone who also wonders "how am I still picking this ego?": how many times have you thought about tomorrow? next week? future plans? there's your answer. and the worries about "life" come from them too. "if I don't prepare for/worry about this event that'll happen, I'll have to deal with the consequences of this action" you're telling yourself you will keep waking up as this exact same ego over and over. @glitterdoll888

If you come straight from Law of Assumption or Law of Attraction please keep on reading this last section!

“The simplest answer is usually the right one!.” - Occam’s razor

I think, that what we call 'manifestation' is life itself. i do not mean life in the way that you live A life, like its happening outside of you. i mean it as: it is natural & normal to manifest, its existance itself. it is not something you have, it just is. 'manifestation' is just life itself. it's how all works & is.@lains-reality

The similarity between ND and LOA is in the fact that What you’re aware of, is. LOA’s inner self is still ego. To talk about fulfilling self means fulfilling ego. There is nothing to fulfill if you are the Self and the only one that needs to be fulfilled is an ego, you’re still catering to an ego. @adadisciple

Please, please, understand that you don't have to DO anything! You are always awareness,you will never lack anything. Please stop worrying about the "physical" world and stop trying to materialize things within it! Non Dualism isn't a "new manifestation method" to "get what you want," you are realizing you never lacked anything this whole time. @iamthat-iam

The way the sun rises up in the morning, in the same way Vanessa happens to awareness. It is natural. Do you try to make it happen? It comes by itself (because you choose it as you).@adadisciple For example "I am a body" is a thought that runs automatically ("subconscious), because we do not look at it/know it, we have just accepted we are bodies and that's why we "see" a body. @4dbarbie-backup

You just need to allow something else to happen, not try to make it so!! You cannot help being what you are: Vanessa is the absolute to you now. But if she can be TO YOU, if she happens TO YOU, who is YOU? Your Vanessa "I" runs on autopilot, she is a symbol. She has no free will. To the Self, she is only an idea. She has been conditioned and programmed to think the way she does, it’s the only way she knows how to function. And that’s fine, let her be. Just don’t pick her as you.If she were a random stranger on the street, you would have no concern about her life. If you were Lara now, where would Vanessa be in your thoughts? That is the behavior you should strive for in your thinking, dispassion, disinterest, detachment. Let the thought of being her go. Just let them BE. The way you let Vanessa be. And you let Vanessa be by thinking that’s all you are, that’s what is true. @adadisciple

If you want a "method", then the very best method of all methods is to quiet the mind to see the Being that you are. Pose the question: “Who am I?” and if other thoughts come in, ask, “To whom are these thoughts?” The answer is “To me.” “Well, who am I?” and you're back on the track, seeking to see your Self. @4dbarbie-backup I sit in the feeling while focusing on something else in the present moment, and it usually goes away. @iamthat-iam

Non Dualism does not believe in “affirming” or “persisting” because if awareness is already everything, then it does not need to affirm or persist for its desire if it already has [or IS] its own desire. @itzalizeyyy Like repetition, it keeps you in lack. Do you need to remind yourself that you are a man or a woman? That experience, that form, is already being observed, is already being aware of. You know 'your' gender. @4dbarbie-backup

The truth is, there was no "3D" or "4D" in the first place. there is no imagination VS reality. nothing is real, it has always been illusion VS illusion. If anytime you get thoughts like "why is it not here" "why don't i see it" "why hasn't it manifested yet" you are immediately identifying with your human self. [...] Relying on the human senses will always be our downfall. @iamthat-iam

If you don't have the discipline to at least cut off all this excess of knowledge of information, you'll only be making it tougher on yourself. After you do that, stick to it until you're ready to let go and rely on yourself. Until you start behaving like the teacher and one is needed no more. You create the teacher because you think someone is more knowledgeable than you. That's fine for now, but trust the teacher, listen and apply.@4dbarbie-backup

I have Psychiatrist & doctors appointments, work, still need to eat, want to commit suicide? Psychiatrist appointment. What is that for? To correct your thinking, isn't that right? Reconditioning, changing, or even eliminating patterns of the mind. Now, I'm not telling you to stop going/stop working and or eating. That would be irresponsible of me. Leave your mind alone, that is all. @4dbarbie-backup

DO NOT ACTIVELY INTERFERE in ego's life or try to stop living that life while still being very attached to it, i.e. still identifying with that ego. Let the person continue to live it's life and fulfill it's obligations like studying, but maintain the knowing that it's not who you are. @iamthat-iam

But what about random things that I wasn't even aware of before they came? It's very simple, really. You are aware of being Vanessa and with Vanessa come specific beliefs. Characters have their own beliefs like certain weather can give you a cold, certain environments have insects etc. Thoughts dominate you only because you are interested in them. By resisting evil, you merely strengthen it. If you are "I AM", it means you are not the person experiencing the 3D world/thoughts/circumstances, you never were. The problem is excessive interest, leading to self-identification. Whatever you are engrossed in you take to be real. @4dbarbie-backup

[flownwrong]

chaotic ckr c6d squee propaganda (?) post

This, started half a year ago for @ds30below, was initially a general c6d short reviews post but kinda skewed majorly towards CKR's repertoire and wasn't too review-y. So I gave up on making sense and on including the non-CKR works. I don't know who the audience for this is, because I never give basic details for people who don't know about this stuff but say too much for those who do. I giffed what I could and tried to avoid what I know a lot about but haven't actually seen. Here goes.

Frank's Cock (1993)

Not much to say. It's only 8 minutes, it's beautiful and you should see it if you haven't. I won't spoil the subject, but you can likely guess. Watch it, cry a little. Then go watch some more of Mike Hoolboom's stuff, the vimeo link above is from his channel.

Two X-Files episodes (1994 – 1995)

Well, I haven't actually seen X-files since I was about fifteen and watched the like two seasons, and I remember none of it. I rewatched the two early episodes CKR appears in and they were fun. I did not watch the, the movie or whatever where he's doing the evil gay thing. But really, this one is on the list so I can show you this self-indulgent gif of him being Very Long:

Double Happiness (1994)

You shouldn't watch this one for CKR. I mean, you absolutely should see him here, looking like he's barely out of his teens and playing up the insecure act and having devastating chemistry with devastatingly beautiful Sandra Oh, but this is not why it's great. And it's really, really great. It's touching and funny and sincere. If you wanna have some feels about complicated family relationships and identity and growing up (at any point in life), you'll find them here.

Curtis's Charm (1995)

Don't regret watching it, can't recommend. Not gonna lie, I was emotionally affected. But I usually am by things as in-your-face bleak as this. Mostly, it's trying very hard to be smarter than it is, I think.

However: CKR's One Wild Curl is everything to me (see above, on the right. It was, like, actually curly. I was rendered speechless). And like two seconds of Hugh Dillon made me do a double-take, lol. Incredibly weird knowing this was shot like half a year before HCL began shooting. Feels like it must've been a decade earlier.

Hard Core Logo (1996)

I could make three separate posts about this one, so of course I have no idea what to say.

This one, you should watch for CKR, actually, he's something, but so is every single other aspect of this film. I wouldn't change a thing about it. It hits you like a 16 wheeler. Perfectly cast, unimaginably beautiful, hysterical and melancholy and disgusting and compelling.

Related recs:

A wonderfully fun article/retrospective/interview for its 20th anniversary a while back.

You should also absolutely read Hard Core Roadshow if you enjoyed the film. It's a book documenting the whole thing from conception to release. It touched me for its own sake, not just a backstage glance, full of love for the craft and the people and carrying this tangible bittersweetness about the heightened and fleeting nature of this kind of work.

(here, I feel compelled to include a quote from another c6d-related interview on Slings & Arrows, which I read after the book and went like man, it's really a universal experience isn't it.

Coyne: <...> But I also think, and this is my experience, what we were all experiencing, because we were all talking about our lives, our life in the arts — there’s something very melancholy about doing something you love, because it will never be good enough, it will always break your heart.

McKinney: Or it will be fleeting.

Coyne: It’ll be fleeting. You come together with people you feel passionately connected to and two weeks later they’re tearing down the sets.)

Quotes from the article and the book respectively include:

McDonald: So there was a kind of mutual dependency society with Hugh telling Callum, “Don’t worry, man, I got your back, I’ll tell you how high or low to wear your guitar, I’ll tell you how you should dress, I’ll tell you what you should drink…” and Callum was like, “I’ll tell you what hitting your mark is, I’ll tell you why they pull out fucking tape measures, I’ll tell you why you have to do it again, I’ll tell you about not overlapping dialogue..” and you know they clung to each other, like the other one was gonna fucking save them.

And:

A final gathering at the back of the tour bus with Bruce, Callum, Hugh, Bernie. We listen to the tape of HCL songs, all the way through, one last time. And we belt the words out. Bernie sings loudest, performing for Salerno's camera. Hugh and Callum sit back, looks of sadness. I get the sense that if they could do it, they'd chuck their lives and be Joe Dick and Billy Tallent forever. Callum leans to Bruce and says exactly what everyone else is thinking: "I don't want it to end."

There's much more to both texts than *gestures* the whatever those two had, but it certainly doesn't hurt.

And Xeriscape is the best HCL fic I've read. Granted, I read very few because it's not a source that creates in me a craving for fic. But this one perfectly matches the film's fucked up beauty with its language while also adding a quieter, more fraught layer of humanity that we only get glimpses of in canon and that perfectly fits John. 10/10, would recommend.

Anyway. Watch it. Read it. If you haven't. Otherwise, come scream with meeee! And go reblog my gifs or something. Idk.

Letters From Home (1996)

Mike Hoolboom strikes again, with another short. This goes into the "don't watch it for CKR, watch it because it's great" box. Yes, you will cry.

For Those Who Hunt The Wounded Down (1996)

Another bleak one! It sucked to watch, I mean, on purpose. There were a couple of very effective scenes. I really enjoyed the opening. They say the book is decent too, I haven't checked that out.

Actually, let's just switch back from coherent thought to undignified staring at his mouth with this one. What the fuck is that cigarette thing. I couldn't help myself.

Last Night (1998)

These gifs are not representative of the whole movie. There is more happening than CKR kissing or hugging people. He's also doing more than just kissing and hugging. It's all very... impressive.

Guess who's also here again? Sandra Oh! And say hi to Don McKellar, who is an absolute champion for writing/directing/starring. You'll be seeing more of him.

Another one for the "watch it for its own sake" box. Seriously, that late 90s indie stuff is banger after banger. It's so beautiful! Look at those colours! Look at those shots! It's very uneasy and charming and melanchioly and itself in the best way.

Twitch City (1998 – 2000)

Don McKellar is back to murder you with discomfort! Bruce McDonald lends a hand. Molly Parker is also here. And Daniel McIvor, who'd go on to direct, for example, Wilby Wonderful. It's a party. If you watched some stuff from above (or below) on this list, most faces and names will be familiar to you, tbh (another Hugh Dillon double-take happens).

If you liked Spaced, you'll love this. You might also love it because it commits to its weirdness with an admirable resolve and is genuinely hilarious. (Honestly, CKR's outfits alone warrant a watch.) The idiosyncrasy is definitely Don McKellar's doing 200%. It couldn't be more different from Last Night, but if you've seen one, you'll recognise the other.

Battlestar Galactica (2003 – 2009)

I don't think a person should be allowed to look this pretty in the sweaty-and-dying makeup in that light (this sentence probably looks very weird to those not under the CKR magic spell).

I don't know what to say about BSG because I really, really enjoyed early it initially, but by the middle of S2 it got... well, whatever that was. If you know you know, if you don't, still give it a go. You might get invested enough to suffer through it all, as I have been, slowly.

The unfortunate thing is that CKR got to be there mostly in the "what the fuck" years and not the "wow that's so cool" years. That, as you might be aware, is a pattern with him. But! When he was here, he was so genuinely, wonderfully creepy not in the typecast-baddy way, but in this slow, half-absent way, which really worked. You can also see him tortured a little, as a treat!! <3

Also, a wild John Pyper-Ferguson appears! If you're looking at him thinking you know him from somewhere but not immediately remembering, you'll figure it out, I believe in you. I was very happy to see him.

Wilby Wonderful (2004)

Another win for the put CKR in more good shit team!!! Guess who's here again? Sandra Oh! Also, Paul Gross. Don't watch it for him either though haha.

Another one for whoever wants to look at pushing against the weight of others' (or your own) expectations and growing into who you are or reconsidering who you are or finding meaningful connections with others even when you're kind of a mess and they are too.

Not nearly the first time CKR's gotten to play a queer character, but man, this one really is the heart of the in-universe community, and, through that, of the film. A rare chance to see him so far out of the prickly persona! He's just so solid and calm and there for others in this one and, and soft, ough. It's awesome.

By the way, if any of you have the commentary track or know someone who has, please drop me a line here or on discord (emotionalrisotto), I really wanna hear that.

Supernatural (2005)

I love Supernatural a lot. It was a formative experiences (albeit a very late one) and I owe a lot of my favourite stuff about fandom-ing to the buddies I met through it. I can't believe I'm telling you this (because who hasn't seen it, not because I'm reccing it), but you should really try it if you haven't. It's pretty rad.

I had no idea who this guy was when I saw that episode (the second ever one!), though. I simply cannot fathom what @nigeltde-fic felt when she first saw it. I think I personally got very lucky she didn't combust on the spot. It would've been unfortunate.

On a sillier note, CKR's character has weird tension with both Sam and Dean in this episode, which is par for the course. I personally think they should've... no, I shan't say it. You can probably imagine.

Californication (2008 – 2013)

I haven't actually seen it, lol (and I suspect I won't enjoy it, but I'm very curious and also CKR looks really really good).

The real reason for this one on the list is to share a fic rec. Really, it's a due South F/K fic featuring Lew Ashby. It's ridiculously hot and very satisfying in its romantic resolution, too (but then, I'm kind of big on selfcest. And consensual voyeurism. And pretend relationships when done like this. And sublimated yearning. Erm.)

Shattered (2010 – 2011)

I wish this never happened. I badly, badly wish this never happened. I can't turn back time, but I can warn those luckier than me: do not go there. Yes, even for this dude. You'll sleep better not knowing just what it is he was the EP on. And the only important part — the mascara — can be seen above (yes, the show does look that bad, it's not just the gifs).

Just kidding — I watched it, didn't I? You'll have fun hating it! Just prepare for industrial grade cringe, lower your expectations (No, lower. No, still lower than that. And just a bit more.) and you'll have a great time!

Star trek: Discovery (2024)

Or, as I call it, Star Trek: The Mediocre Show. Discovery S5 was... what it was, but it was a wonderful viewing experience — mostly thanks to the gang (@kittkatk and @feroxargentea especially!)

What a joy it is, to follow a show week by week, yelling and laughing and discussing the whole time. And giffing, too. I was very happy to contribute to the Disco fandom from my own little obsessive corner, and I was glad to see people adoring Rayner, haha.

He's a pretty neat character — very much a stereotype, yes, but with CKR's usual twist of odd vulnerability and weirdness. Also, I loved the ears. I miss the ears. The ears were great.

I even wrote a fic! Although it's not within my usual range to write for canons and universes I don't know well — and back then, I'd only seen S5 of Disco. It was a lot of suffering, and a lot of fun.

Closing thoughts

I'd really love the dude to get a better agent. And possibly better taste, but I realise that's a tougher ask. Seriously, it's been too long since he was in something majorly cool. I'm grateful to him, at least, for not making terrible music on the side. And I still have a lot of his back catalogue to get through, some of it even good, so there will be more insanity. Until then!

[revalition]

OCT 5 - CONCEPTUALIZATION

Understand creativity. See Art in the world.

sorry so few drawings in today's (and the really lazy colouring job) I'm very tired and wanted to still get it out. I love love conceptualization!! I'll draw and colour you properly some day.

I drew him with legs in my banner (still a WIP, I need to colour it...) and I'm not sure what I like more... definitely don't ever expect tons of consistency from me haha

Alsoooo... I think I'm going to do mondays off instead of sundays so I don't split up the 4 groups across the break. and volition's realllly gonna need that extra day, I love that guy way too much

anyway! as usual tons of quotes and comments under the cut! conceptualization has sooo many amazing ones, it's too hard to limit it to 29 :(((

PALE PALE PALE

actually me the second I heard about the pale. I've spent a likely unhealthy amount of time contemplating it. I did a science project on the possible ways the Universe will eventually end when I was like 15 and only gotten worse since then, I live for this stuff. It fascinates me endlessly

ily conceptualization and volition. I had to suffer through the unbelievably embarrassing ordeal of the failed poetry the first time, when conceppy stopped it the second time I immediately fell in love.

NO why is turning him down an option??

:(

this was so vivid and sad

the whole revacholian nationhood quest is so delusional... but conceptualization is going to embrace it anyway

art cop my beloved

of course he'd find it artistic... it's definitely a statement I suppose

much love for this, conceptualization comforted me into accepting the sorry cop, like... 30 minutes into my first run

don't be sorry honey I always want to hear your artsy thoughts

Yes this is the poetry fail again... this was actually incredibly painful. Also first day of my first run, walked out of the Whirling over to the lorries. So many moments of 'what did I doooo' over picking 1 INT...

Almost every fail ends up with the failing skill giving you really really bad advice, I love how this time conceptualization is just. desperately trying to stop you from continuing. and he can't!! it just gets *worse*!! I'm not including the rest of the poem, I don't want to even look at it. conceptualization ily for trying to stop the horrors...

hehe conceptualization hates improv

ough I love this one. referring to Le Retour.

un jour je serai de retour pres de toi...

actually me as soon as the hyperfixation stops

silver stars melted down...

ough I love the melancholy of a lot of conceptualization's comments.

this one especially. it's so simple, but deeply, deeply sad. the authors of this game were definitely no strangers to grief.

I love when the skills are silly

I love these, they just make my heart happy

mm... true

hehe

I gain a year of life every time anyone mentions harry's blue soul. ily conceptualization

that's it thanks to the evil screenshot limit :((( I hit it so fast too. I'm going to actually die on Volition day. Maybe I can just type the quotes instead of screenshotting them... there's no character limit hehe

running through conceptualization's other language names through google translate: unconventional, concept formation, abstraction

I like these. Most translate directly to conceptualization, but the ones that don't are always cool.

ough I love conceptualization a lot. I barely heard from him my first run, but maxed him out the second. Him and inland empire and shivers are my lovely poetic boys.

Volition trusting Conceptualization is also extremely!!! important to me. as far as I remember, conceptualization isn't identified as compromised either. He just wants art. Even tells you to "lay off that love stuff, if you can" at one point. I'm very fond of him.

[fandomfluffandfuck]

S, I just came up with this idea. Listen..

Sebastian just losing it for Steve, he loves Chris, he's fucking weak for him. But sometimes, he looks at Steve on the screen in CA:TWS or Civil War, and just can't take it, he wants that guy. And imagine him talking Chris into role playing Steve just for him, when he's got the blonde hair, the bulk and all that. He just wants to be treated well by Steve, and not as Bucky, just himself, he can't help it.

That was it thank you very much.

I do love this idea! I love it a lot. And I think this kind of fits with my fic, "Character Bleed," obviously it's not the same concept, but if you haven't read that, I think you'd like it 👀

I mean, we know that Chris feels like this for Bucky on a PG level. Remember that con panel where he said he has a soft spot for him, bursting out with "I was gonna defend Sebastian, he's not a villian, he's a victim really!"? I remember it well. I especially remember Sebastian's happy little, 'he loves me' wiggle. It was the cutest!

(16:53-17:21)

So... I can totally see this happening with Sebastian in a PG-13 to R-rated way 😏 and I would like to imagine that it spills out of Sebastian accidentally, too.

Over the years and years of playing these characters, so much of Sebastian has become tangled up in Bucky, so much of Bucky is tangled up in Sebastian (which reminds of the top Chris quote in this gif set, too), and after the years of being with Chris, his infatuation still the same, maybe even worse now, realistically, it's only natural.

His heart speeds in his chest whenever he sees Chris and, usually, the effect is the same when he sees him larger than life on screen, portaying a character. Chris only has one face and it's just so goddamn handsome. He can't help it. C'mon! It's not fair! What's a man supposed to do?

And no matter how embarrassed Sebastian is of his simmering, latent, years long crush on Steve Rogers because of his affection for his boyfriend, Chris Evans--who is real and not fictional and more than enough, of course--he'll never say it willingly.

It only comes to a head because of the fucking sledgehammer to the head that is Nomad Steve Rogers.

That's so much closer to the Chris that Sebastian gets to love every day with his thick beard and his natural, untamed body hair and just his bigness, but it's also still so Steve.

It's Steve elevated.

It's Steve irresistible.

It's Steve knee-weakeningly hot.

So knee-weakening that when they're shooting, Infinity War over one of the the weekends, too wrapped up in each other to go out with the rest of the crew, hitting the town, it happens.

They're wrapped up, consumed in each other. Sebastian is pressed roughly back into their rented apartment bed, the sheets mused and ruined, the air thick, and his legs are spread as wide as they can be but they're still tense, still squeezed tight around Chris' impossibly broad shoulders. Those fucking shoulders--they're just so huge that he can't not press against them, no matter how shamelessly he opens himself to be taken and he loves it.

He loves how little and surrounded Chris makes him feel, always having to fight to make room for him. He's so big. Larger than life especially when he's been bulking and working out like a madman for the silver screen. Jesus, it feels as though Chris hardly fits between his legs sometimes. Like. Shit. He belongs there, between Sebastian's legs, having his way with him, wringing all the pleasure he wants from him. But he's so big!

Big and heavy, pressing down on him. Keeping him in place as if he would dream of going anywhere else. He dreams of this--Chris' palms broad and hot and owning, gripping handfuls of his thighs and ass, groping him, leaving finger- and handprint bruises where no one else will see. Underneath his costume, bruises that will ache when he stretches later, warming up for stunts and making his face warm with the secret, too.

(If only the makeup artists could see, they'd tease him and tut at him, playfully scolding him for getting it so hard when he knows he has to be on camera. Couldn't he have waited a few more days? Couldn't he have controlled himself for a little longer? God, Sebastian shudders impulsively, hot.)

So, Chris' there.

He's taking up space there, between his legs. Big, broad, and feverish, taking handfuls of him, taking mouthfuls of him, devouring him, first leaving marks across his skin with his lips and teeth and tongue, then sucking him off like he wants to kill him. Murdering him with how good it feels. Hot. Wet. Tight. Sucking him down, the slick, soft insides of his cheeks, the thrilling edge of his teeth, just hinted at, the depth of his throat.

Oh, God.

It's so distracting. He's so good. So good at this. He's gotten so good at this over the years that Sebastian is losing his mind. He loses his mind every time, now. He knows just what he likes.

So, Sebastian's grasping the sheets, fisting them so hard his knuckles are white, whimpering. Breathless. And Chris does fucking something, something with his tongue that he can't comprehend when he's so hard, throbbing, he just--

Sebastian arches and moves, feverish, squirming, reaching swiftly, grabbing and holding onto Chris' hair, dyed dirty blonde and long enough to really fucking hold on.

Then, to make it worse, Chris goes with his frantic hold, letting himself be directed, humoring Sebastian for now, until he wants to take control back; he dives deep, deep throating him, humming, letting him sweat with the vibrations that gut him. So overwhelmed with how fucking erotic it is, how good it feels, Sebastian is groaning, mouth open. He can't think. He can't stop.

It simply escapes him.

He can barely see through the tears in his eyes, his head spinning, but he's blinking, staring down at his shaking hands fisted in that blonde hair, and whining, "St-Steve!"

Suddenly, Sebastian is cursing how good of an actor his boyfriend is--how willing he is to "yes, and" because while Sebastian wants to curl up into a ball, tingling with arousal that's being rapidly taken over by superheated embarrassment, his nerves spitting and sparking like faulty wiring, Chris is chuckling. Just for a moment, though. The dark vibrations feel like fire. Hot as fuck. But that laugh, rich and dangerous, disappears and is replaced with Chris' touch. Chris has let go of one of his thighs to gather his right wrist, then his left--Sebastian hadn't even realized his hands had unweaved themselves from his golden fucking head of hair, making him see double, but they had. His hands are covering his own mouth. They were. Chris is putting them back in his own hair and he's--

"Ohh, oh, God!"

He's making him hold onto his hair and he's pushing himself down, down, pressing his nose to the flat of his lower stomach, swallowing around him, making him feel so good that his hips jerk sharply up. Chris doesn't choke and Sebastian dies. Just a little bit. Dying. He's sucking him like a beast and he's just, just... it's like he's urging him on, it's like he's--

Without his hands to cover his mouth and shut himself up, Sebastian moans again, "Steve!"

It's like he's trying to get him to say it!

Between his legs, Chris is determined, there's just the hint of a smirk on his mouth, curled up around his aching cock. And in his eyes--

Sebastian knows that look.

Fuck.

He knows it!

He knows the determination; he knows the steel in his gaze; he knows the dangerous glint and he fucking sees Steve.

"Pluh-please, please!" Sebastian gasps, overwhelmed, trying to hold himself off but failing spectacularly, "please, Steve!" His outcry is immediately followed by half-whimpering, half-panting, "'m sorryy!"

He's so fucking embarrassed that his face is tingling; he couldn't be blushing more, but he also can't stop himself, his body is rushing, pulsing, throbbing, and too sensitive to stop. It's too much! There's no brakes, only more gas.

Steve, Steve--Chris, er, whatever.

Chris won't have it, though.

Chris isn't just looking at him with that bastard fucker, stubborn stare that's pure Steve Rogers--Steve Rogers who won't and doesn't know how to put his head down and give up, not giving up now--Chris is lowering his voice and putting that lilt in it that's booming, authoritative, and empowering.

Actually, that voice is not so different from his usual, deep, rumbling, this-is-making-my-dick-hard voice, and the association is going to ruin Sebastian for the rest of his life. Every time they're on set from now on, he's gonna think about this and he's gonna fucking die of mortification.

Chris has so easily slipped into that voice. That role. Criminally easily, he's started being Steve.

Steve.

Steve ordering Sebastian around like he's making calls on a battle field as he pulls off his cock with a slurp, leaning his broad shoulders back, confident and cocky, a fucking leader, "you're gonna cum for me, baby. C'mon. I see it. It's right there. I know it is." While he talks like that, he jerks Sebastian off hard. Dick wet and sloppy from his dreamy mouth. Squeezing his throbbing hard-on until Seb gasps hard enough his throat hurts, he's going raw.

"You're gonna gimme what I want, baby," Steve tells him, "and you're gonna show me how pretty you are by cumming."

Sebastian is just a man.

Just a man on edge with an order to fall over it. So, he cums.

Hard.

He cums, pumping, throbbing, and shattering in Steve's hands. A fucking wet dream worthy man--his flowing, blonde hair, his voice, his beard, his stupidly broad chest and shoulders, his torn, dusty uniform, his hands, and those fucking gloves. Sebastian can see those gloves, his rolled uniform sleeves, exposed forearms, all of it. He can see it painted on the back of his eyelids as his eyes roll back, breaking apart with pleasure.

He makes a mess of Steve's beard and plush lips and the site of it, when he manages to peel his eyes open, it makes him wanna cum again.

Now.

Please.

[thesweetnessofspring]

Why do you hate epic? I've recently heard it and I don't like it also, especially when I googled his story. But why do you hate it?

First, no hate to the creator. Like, I heard he's a college kid doing a creative project and a lot of people like it which is great. And concept albums get tweaked. Maybe it's something he can salvage or rework in the future, but as it is, I just don't like Epic at all.

I'd listened to what was out about....six months ago maybe? And I wasn't particularly taken with it, but then back in like July I relistened to it and I just got so tired listening to it. I think a spin on that line from The Incredibles sums up that part of it well:

If all of the music is epic, none of it will be.

Even in big megamusicals like Les Mis, there's a variety of songs. You have the love songs, the reflective songs, the "party" songs, the exposition songs, and just a variety of tone and pace. In listening to what is now the most recent release, I got weary of listening to the same old video game music set to bad lyrics (we'll get to that). There's no variety, which makes the whole album flat. Halfway through I wanted to scream GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE FOR THE LOVE OF ZEUS!!! I don't think the idea of video game music works for musicals. They're completely different mediums and the narrative structure of video games (at least as he's presented them) also leads to a static story. If I sit down and play a video game with different bosses, then it makes sense. I complete a level and then take a break/live my life until I come back and work on the next level. There doesn't feel to be any forward momentum in the story because it's just "boss" after "boss" with a highly intense video game music soundtrack. It's static, it's flat, it's tiring. I cannot imagine sitting through a stage show of this. I'd be leaving early after intermission.

It is painfully obvious this is a TikTok musical, because the music can be good in short spurts but as a 2.5 hour stage musical? I wouldn't be able to do it. I barely did it when I broke it up over a few car rides.

Also the lyrics are mostly just bad, particularly in the rhymes. Like I said, I've listened to it I guess 1.5 times as the first time I listened they didn't have as many songs out as there are now. So I can't quote any, but it wasn't just a couple times. There were whole songs where I was internally (as I was driving) rolling my eyes at the awkward, hokey rhymes.

And look, I haven't read The Odyssey since high school, so I'm not going to pretend to be a scholar. I have read Odysseus as a character in other retellings of Greek myths, though, and he's a much more dynamic and interesting character than the boring, predictable hero of Epic. I remember when first being exposed to The Odyssey, it was my first foray into more complicated dynamics of Greek mythology instead of the more digestable/cleaned-up versions I'd heard as a younger kid, and part of that was Odysseus. He made decisions I just couldn't understand at the time. A big thing for me as a 15-year-old kid was I was so mad at all of Odysseus's affairs. Now I know that in Greece that wasn't so much a big deal for men to sleep around and was expected. Yet (at least with Circe) he's noble and fighting her off and it gives the impression that Odysseus hasn't had any sex in like 12 years. I'm sorry, but WHAT??? Odysseus loves his wife and he's a slut. C'mon. Epic Odysseus is so predictable and boring I'm not drawn into the story at all for him, either. When I finally got to the more recent releases, I was thinking, "Oh, wow what a surprise. Before he didn't want to kill people and now he's fed up and will kill people so he can get home. Ohhhh noooooo what will ever happen in the next part of the musical?? Is it possible he will learn that vengeance is bad???" To be fair this part hasn't come out yet so maybe I'll be wrong but ugh, it's not looking good.

To balance things out, I do think the opening number is good and I like the one with the winds "keep your friends close/and your enemies closer" is an earworm, and because it changed up the usual "video game epic music" thing. And like, as a student project it is impressive. But it's not a student project anymore, it's a concept album. Idk if he's planning on staging it at some point, but if he does, it has a lot of work still to do.

Anyway vote Hadestown. ✌️

[necrotic-nephilim]

for the choose violence ask game: 3, 8, 16 :D

for the choose violence ask game!

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

i was going to be kind enough to not screenshot but i lied i'm choosing violence. this is less of a take and more of an incorrect quote i suppose but. every time i remember it exists i stare at a wall for like 20 minutes.

most posts under the "chaotic tim drake"/"unhinged tim drake" tags do. get to me. they are all liable to make me spontaneously combust but something about this one. the way Tim's fanon kill count magically gets higher every time it's brought up. the way it directly contradicts Tim's internal deep-seated fears about turning into Bruce and that's why he has always planned to retire after being Robin the *entire point* of Tim Drake of Tomorrow is to show how horrified Tim is and how future!evil!Tim will always go too far. like i genuinely do not know what character ppl are talking about with the "Tim is most likely to become a supervillain and somehow this a cutesy headcanon" sort of thing. it plagues me. consider me plagued. i could go on and on about it for hours and how deeply it contradicts Tim's character to his core. also just why does the fandom want to make him a villain so bad? i don't understand.

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

i already gave one answer to this question here, but worry not i have endless answers to this one. a bit one for me is: the idea Cass should use ASL. it icks me out. i will close a fic if Cass is using ASL i will not lie. firstly, she does not canonically know ASL. secondly, it doesn't make *sense* for her to use it bc her disability has nothing to do with the ability to speak, it has to do with her language learning skills. and ASL is, *still a language*. and would be just as difficult to learn, if not more-so bc it could set back her learning of English and would not be as easily applicable as English to her daily life. it's a headcanon that ranges from well-meaning misunderstandings to just downright ableism that infantilizes Cass and infantilizes ASL. honestly i get touchy in general about fandom using ASL when not written by a Deaf writer/someone who knows ASL bc... you can tell. you can always tell. (hearing fans stop trying to come up with sign names for the Batfam i'm gently begging you.) there are many good posts breaking down why this headcanon doesn't really work but i'm just salty and feral about it.

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

the headcanon/fanon concept that Tim has lasting psychological trauma due to the Titans Tower incident, or that it has caused him to be afraid of Jason. (the same can be applied to Damian cutting Tim's line being something that Matters to Tim longterm or causes fear of Damian) like? beyond the "that is not canon, that event really didn't bother Tim and Tim was a cocky little shit the whole time", i'm unsure how this... fits into the fanon version of Tim? like i don't *understand* it. how it is that fandom likes "Tim has a super high kill count and is going to be a supervillain" but also... thinks one bad fight that roughed Tim up a bit has made him terrified of one person specifically? these feel contradictory. either he can Take The Heat or He Can't. this weird waffling where he's both the biggest badass around but also somehow a wilting traumatized kid confuses me. i don't necessarily mind the exploration of Tim being angry or pissed off about these events, or even him being more injured than he was in canon and dealing with that, but him being like. so afraid of Jason it influences their relationship has always eluded me. it contradicts everything else about fanon!Tim and makes him seem... sort of cowardly? like not that events like these can't be traumatizing but in his field of work they're not unique events. these are normal Tuesdays for him. why is it affecting him so much in fanon.

[adamnablelittledevil]

Reacting to The Vampire Lestat - Part V (with a bit of spoilers and maybe important quotes?)

Armand!

YAY!

Okay, what the hell is happening?

??????

Seriously, WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?

Am I lost because I'm reading the Brazilian Portuguese version and maybe it's not properly translated?

*Downloads an English PDF copy* Yeah, this isn't much better and it looks like it was poorly transcript.

I'm still not sure I'm following...

Well

Whatever

I still like this anyway?

Also, I can see I'll have to read at least this book twice anyway. Maybe more or even the whole chronicles.

Because since Armand showed up I'm DEVOURING this and I can see myself maybe missing a few details... I'll need to read it slower and savor it in the future. I also assume that knowing more of the lore will give me perspective on a future read.

Armand is never boring.

Still my favorite character. :) Let's hope nothing ever ruins that. :) /hj

Not one Lesmand/Armandstat interaction is wasted tbh, I don't care if they're vibing or hating each other's guts, they're always A MOMENT™.

Let's hope nothing ever ruins that. :) /hj

They also have some pretty valid and intriguing conversations, really.

The impression I get is that they want to stay close, but deep down know it's better not to because they're so messed-up and would be even more messed-up as friends or else (and maybe it's the or at least one of the reasons why they attract each other?), but there's some frustration in that acknowledgement too. Like, doing something because you should is not the same as doing it because you want to and... Well.

I mean, there's more I could say, but this is the short version of how I generally feel about them lol.

Can't wait to see all of this on season 3.

Assad is right, I want Armand to be unhinged too. So glad we're on the same page about all thigs Armand ever and that the spirit of Armand posses Assad on a daily basis so he can play him 100% the way I imagine him. SMILING THROUGH IT ALL, CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS MY LIFE RN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm also ready for more Lestat (Armand's version) and finally some Armand (Lestat's version). Let the battle begin. I wonder who will be more insufferable.

Little bit of Armand's back story. :/ I wanna put him in a bubble.

I don't really think I'll be interested in Marius, tbh.

Anyway... He's not here yet.

Gabrielle jumps from roofs like Cat Woman and Armand quickly and silently vanishes from places like Batman. I hope we keep the Gotham-esque vibes of these scenes. I think it's super cool tbh.

I also love seeing Armand talking to people telepathically? Feels so much deeper and kind of poetic, idk. Not to mention is such a cool concept. I hope the show explores more of that.

Also, when he stops blocking his thoughts and let's someone peek at his thoughts it feels intimate? And not necessarily romantic or anything like that, but just like, "hey, this is a little piece of my soul, I'm sharing it with you". Or maybe I'm too romantic and trying to find the beauty in everything lol.

But then he finally speaks out loud and it feels deeper and more meaningful as well? I don't know. Maybe I'm becoming insane.

Lestat went like 3 pages without mentioning Armand's beauty. I'm proud of him.

Nevermind, now he is mentioning it 50 times per sentence. Even more than he did before. It's like he regretted it and it's making up for lost time lmao.

Some of the words Lestat has used to describe Armand so far: beautiful, sublime, ethereal, exquisite, perfect, soft, saint, angel (there's more, but it's been so many synonyms for beautiful I can't remember... still, you get the point). Not to mention comparing him to a Caravaggio and Da Vinci paintings.

I feel like he'll run out of words to describe him pretty soon.

I guess we all feel pretty (not) normal about Armand.

This is also ruining it for me, because if someone doesn't describe me as "irresistibly beautiful" then what is even the point, really...

And it's not like they're a couple or anything, SO??? STOP!!!

They're not lovers, they're not friends, they're not enemies, they're a fourth and more sinister thing that not even them can classify, let alone my mere mortal self.

Anyway, I hope Lestat will be even more annoying describing Louis. He set the bar too high now.

I wonder if Louis appears (for a significant amount of time) on this book.

I hope so, but I don't know.

"But I was so glad it was finished. So glad that we could go on. Yet I held to the bars for a long time just looking at the distant woods, and the dim glow far beyond that the city made upon the lowering clouds. And the grief I felt was not only for the loss of him, it was for Nicki, and for Paris, and for myself." This is sad...

"So let him be your patron saint if you need it" LMFAOOOOOO.

Is Gabrielle wrong, though?

NO, SHE ISN'T!

Just have fun with your immortality instead of going on an uncertain quest to find Marius? Stop being stupid???

You'll probably just find danger or disappointment. Or both.

LISTEN TO THE VOICE OF REASON, LESTAT!

"And the sense of grief came back to me, the realization that we were really going, that it was finished with Nicolas and finished with the Children of Darkness and their leader, and I wouldn't see Paris again, or anything familiar to me, for years and years. And for all my desire to be free, I wanted to weep." So, he finally starts making a life for himself away from his abusive family. Then, he is forcefully turned into a vampire, has to live this double life with mortals, without ever being able to be completely open, honest and have real, deep relationships with them. Later, he turns Gabrielle, Nicki, meets Armand and the other of his kind, but they're all so troubled or with completely different interests... And it's clear as a day that they can't stay together anymore, he's slowly coming to the realization he's losing everything and everyone he knows and will soon be alone again... I'm (not) fine.

Also, this is so BPD-coded of him. He's had these pretty sad and traumatic moments, but he never allowed himself to feel those emotions for too long, he always found stuff to distract himself with, tried to see the "the good side" of things, embrace them, be positive instead etc, but you can only ignore it so much until it becomes such a big problem you can't possibly avoid anymore. And then the emotion hits 9483958345x harder than it would have if you processed things properly and had better coping mechanisms. Like, I get him, but OMG. Get him some vampire therapist.

Btw, Armand feels pretty BPD-coded too.

I also heard somewhere that Armand is a Scorpio?

And Lestat is another BPD Scorpio...

That would explain A LOT actually lmao.

End of "The Vampire Armand" chapter and they're parting ways.

So I guess I'll just rot and die, then?

Or...

...Armand will return in the worst possible way lmao.

I tried to find a gif of 2x05 saying "everything is fine!" to represent how I'm feeling right now, but failed, so consider it done anyway. Everything is (not) fine!

[inflatingnblue]

I just wanna say that you’re beautiful, all the kinky shit aside. I’ve been getting posts recommended to me on my tumblr fyp that say you liked them, and they’re all horrible upsetting pro-ana stuff, and I don’t know if those are old likes or new ones, but I hope you aren’t falling prey to those demons. They’re always wrong, and all they ever want is to erase you and make you less of who you’re meant to be. You deserve better 💜

This is a long one, friends, so feel free to skip.

First, thank you for sending, Anon. You didn't have to and you still did.

Recovery is complicated, and that's an understatement. Although I like Violet and "blowing up," that's all in fantasy land. In the real world, I would like nothing more than to lose weight.

For the longest time I've believed that my worth comes from being thin and beautiful, that things would make sense and fall into place. That I wouldn't hate myself anymore if I could just get to the right size and then being the right size would also equate to beauty.

I started gaining weight after I was in recovery for a year. I gained a lot over the course of several years. I couldn't figure out what was wrong; working with my dietitian, going to the doctor's, getting test after test to just be told 🤷🏻‍♀️. I thought I was losing my mind. It was really hard to focus on recovery and I slipped a lot.

I was (and still am) extremely aware of how much space I take up and compared myself to those around me. I was (and still am) extremely aware of the fat shaming that happens around me. I hated leaving the house because I knew I would be judged for my size, and that judgment is still a fear I experience today.

I relapsed during 2022 and lost a "significant" amount of weight. I'm using quotes because that's how my therapist described it. I wish I had lost more so it didn't seem significant enough. Then in 2023 I finally found the answer I was looking for - lipedema. I was very grateful to know what was wrong, but it still sucks.

This year I've been working on recovery and it's been fucking difficult. I can't seem to just stay on one side. One day I'm gonna do my best and eat regularly and try to be nice to myself. The next day I may flip and start thinking about weight loss. This time the ED would work, I'll make sure it works. Pat myself on the back if I didn't eat while in the office or got a certain number of steps in. It's exhausting ping ponging back and forth.

My FYP matches that ping pong game. Sometimes I'm not even looking for ED related stuff and it hits me in the face. This might sound weird to some - EDs are very seductive. They can easily be called an addiction. My neuropathways are ready and raring to go down the highway to ED Land. Sometimes I can stop it along the way and sometimes I can't. Some of the posts feel comforting because I know I'm not alone. Some of the posts would be pretty alarming for most people with the imagery and text. I know it's not helpful to look at the pro ana and ED related posts. Just like I can be in awe with how big someone's tummy is, I can also be in awe of various pro ana content.

I know the actual problem is feeling like I don't deserve better. I punish myself for not meeting the high expectations I've collected over the years. Self compassion is still a foreign concept. Logically I understand why it's important to practice, it just seems wrong for some reason.

Again, Anon, I really appreciate you reaching out and voicing concern. It's helpful to hear the same positive and supportive messages from different areas of my life. And I'm sorry you're getting these recommendations. I didn't realize that would happen and now I remember I turned off the option to get recommendations. 😬 Just know I heard you. I'm sure you already know that change is slow, although I'll be more mindful of what I like on here.

Thanks 💙

[feuerscram]

So, I'm still hyperfixated on Gravity Falls, but now also on The Strange Case of Doctor Jekyll & Myster Hyde (because of course there had to be two Gravity Falls's animatics that use songs of the musical and I had to fall in love with it.)

I will rambling a lot, and if you want to know what I'm rambling about, listen to the Original Concept Recording of 1994 from the musical Jekyll & Hyde with Anthony Warlow as Jekyll/Hyde.

I want to defend Utterson in the song How Can I Continue On?. This song may be a tourning point, or at least it results in a turning point, which is Jekyll's decision to use his potion on himself in This Is The Moment and his use of it in Transformation.

In How Can I Continue On? Jekyll is quite desperate because the Board of Governors of St Jude's Hospital refused in the song Board of Governors to give him permission to try his formula on a human (which is understandable). They seem to have effectively prevent him to continue his experience, so Jekyll feels like he can't continue his work and feels quite down because of it.

Utterson, as the good friend he is, tells him not to give up and that he knows he will find a way to be back on his feet.

And it work! Jekyll decides immediatly that fine, if no one want to give him a human test subject, he will just use the one he has at hand: himself. Which leads to Transformation, the appearance of Hyde, Hyde's crimes and all the other problems that ensue.

Some may say then (and they would be right!), that Utterson is at least partly responsible for these problems, and that without him there wouldn't even be a musical.

But!

That's when I want to defend the good friend that is Utterson.

You see, I'm not sure Jekyll would stay well without his pet-project. Remember, what did Jekyll talk about until How Can I Continue On?

His work. (And almost nothing more :)

Let's revue the previous songs!

Prologue: Well it's precisely Jekyll speaking about his goal. We don't know yet that it is his goal, but we have his hypothesis and the expected result of this hypothesis.

I Need to Know: Here we have Jekyll motives, his interrogations. To some it up, why he has to make his experience. (At this point we can already see that he is obsessed with his work.)

Façade: Jekyll says only the last line of this song, but it's again about his goal ("Look behind the façade").

The Engagement Party: In this song, Jekyll comes late to his own engagement party. And why? Because of his work. He is so passionate about it that he even provoks a drastic change of tone and mood in the music!

Possessed: Here is openly admitting that his work means everything to him. He says, I quote "All my life I've been possessed / By one great all conuming quest / And that's my driving reason to survive!" (One day I will make a post about Lisa/Emma because this woman is a real queen.)

Take Me As I Am: This is a really good love song (well at least I like it very much), but once again, Jekyll starts by speaking about his work. When does he need Lisa? When "despair tears [him] in two". So when his work is not working (also good forshadowing).

Board of Governors: Well, I have already spoken about this song, and there's not so much to say. He defends his experiment and tries to obtain permission to use a human living being as a test subject.

Lucy Meets Jekyll: That's the first song where Jekyll doesn't mention his work at all. But, I'm stubborn and would say that Lucy is a clear exemple of what Jekyll is trying to prove and fight: Lucy is obviously playing the seductress when she hates every second of it. And Jekyll probably sees it since he offers her his friendship. So this song is not related to his work, unless it is!

So there's Jekyll in a nutshell: work work work work, ugh why no one sees the importance of my work, work work work, oh this person doesn't seem well, I'm pretty sure my work could help her if people just let me do it.

And there's no way Utterson doesn't know how much his friend his obsessed. So what can he think when Jekyll, his long time friend who is always speaking about his project, his work and sometimes other things, is planning to give up?

Utterson can think that it will literally destroy Jekyll. There's absolutely now way that Jekyll stay in a good state of mind when the only thing that he thinks of is not here anymore. Jekyll is nothing without his work (or at least he thinks). If Utterson lets him give up, Jekyll will not be happy, so Lisa will probably not be happy too, Sire Danvers will not be happy for her, Utterson will not be happy. (Maybe Stride will be, but I don't think Stride's happiness is something that Utterson values.)

If Jekyll gives up his work, he will certainly have a breakdown at best, and at worst commit suicide. And that, Jekyll said it himself. ("that's my driving reason to survive!", remember?)I'm pretty sure that's what Utterson have in head when he recommended him to continue his pet project.

And yes, he changes his mind in His Work and Nothing More. But would you blame him? It's been five songs since the good doctor spoke to someone else (unless you consider Hyde as him, which Utterson have no reason to do at this point) and he isn't even speaking of the progress of his work anymore. He isn't even passionate about it anymore ("You've lost the fire you build your dream on" and "it's like when love dies"). Before Jekyll would show at public events (Engagement Party), now he hides (is thit a pun?) in his house, or so Utterson thinks. But he makes once again the argument of his work ("it could endanger your career"), because let's admit it, that's probably the only argument who could have works with this workaholic of Jekyll.

That's why I think that Utterson is a really good friend, and that even if he wasn't, Jekyll's ending would still not have been a happy one.

----

Well, that was sure a lot of rambling. Have a good day/night!

[victorspindrop]

Music Artists I think the HOA Characters (Season 1 Specifically) would listen to!

Note: First head canon type thing I am putting on here (yay!). This is something I have thought a lot just myself in my lonesome so Id thought Id share it here! If you have any other ideas of what certain characters would listen to I would love to hear!

Nina

-> I think we as a fandom have collectively decided that Nina would 100% be a swiftie (and I agree). Her favorite album would be either Speak Now or Folklore, however, her fav song would probs be "London Boy" off of the Lover album though (for obvious reasons)

-> I can see her listening to some other softer artists like beabadobee, Clairo, and Boygenius (shes a softie at heart what can I say)

-> "All American Bitch" by Olivia Rodrigo is her confidence booster song for sure

-> Her and Amber have 2000-2010's pop music dance parties in their room together (which make annoy some of the housemates from them jumping around and dancing; also get in trouble with Victor about it but its worth it to them)

->Ok I need you guys to HEAR ME OUT with this one, but...Nina definitely is a little (just a little bit) of a theatre kid. I mean let's be real, she wrote an entire play for the school AND performed in it,,,my girl def is a little bit of a theatre girl. So with that being said, she listens to some show tunes from musicals (mostly Waitress and Mamma Mia)

Amber

-> She would so be a Y2k pop listening type of girl

-> Favorite songs would be "Rich Girl" by Gwen Stefani, "Just Dance" by Lady Gaga, HEAVY ON "Stars are Blind" by Paris Hilton!!!!!!

-> Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Gwen Stefani, Beyonce, if its an iconic pop girl, she listens to them

-> Marina and the Diamonds. IDK IT JUST MAKES SO MUCH SENSE TO ME I CANNOT EXPLAIN. Some of her songs just give that "it girl" energy and if there is an "it girl" of the Anubis house its miss Amber Millington. "Bubblegum Bitch" is blasted in her car with the top down (because she def has a convertible and its pink)

-> Ariana Grande stan. Probably had a stroke when Ariana came out with a makeup line and bought ALL OF IT.

Fabian

-> Fabian def listens to alternative music old and new.

->LOVES THE SMITHS! Like its almost the only thing he listens to

-> Favorite songs by the Smiths include "There is a Light that Never Goes Out" and "Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want"

-> Listens to the Arctic Monkeys for sure

-> Some other artists he listens to are Radiohead, The Cranberries, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, and TV Girl.

-> Fabian is my favorite awkward loser boy... he listens to Weezer

Patricia

-> Didn't Alfie call her like a "Punk rock/goth vixen" or something like that? (I can't remember the quote or the episode it is in for the life of me)

-> Regardless of whatever the quote was, this is our punk rock alternative queen right here

-> PARAMORE SHE LIKES PARAMORE (has a crush on Hayley Williams because I said so)

-> Had a Panic At the Disco and FallOutBoy phase for sure

-> Listens to the Smiths a little bit (because Fabian showed her some songs)

-> Also listens to some metal rock, loves Poppy and always liked her weird concepts

Alfie

-> Alfie listens to anything and everything I feel like

-> alternative, pop, rock, jazz, electronic, DISCO, hell even fucking dubstep.

-> If he likes it, that's all that matters to him. He doesn't care about the genre or style of music it is

-> I feel he would listen to a lot of artists from the 70s and 80s (idk if that's because of Jeromes quote about him being stuck in the 80s but it would make sense!)

->Loves ABBA, BeesGees, Earth Wind and Fire, and WHAM

-> When "Lets Groove" by Earth Wind and Fire was trending on tiktok, he played it every chance he could. That song has been banned from the house since.

Jerome

-> Like Fabian, he's an Arctic Monkeys fan

-> ADVID LISTENER OF I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME

-> Favorite song by IDKHBTFM is Choke

-> I feel like he would also love Childish Gambino idk why I just feels right

-> Secretly listens to Mitski. That boy has been traumatized even BEFORE he was at Anubis, he deserves to cry to Mitski

-> The Neighborhood is a favorite of his (especially their song Daddy Issues because of,,, obvious reasons) Second favorite song of theirs would be Single (if you haven't heard that song highly recommend)

-> Hozier feels right for him idk

Joy

-> I think as a fandom we have concluded that she is also a swiftie. Her favorite album is Midnights and Reputation imo

-> HEAVY ON OLIVIA RODRIGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-> The Sour album was life changing for her (same can be said for Guts)

-> Literally her top songs of the year were all from the album. Jealously Jealousy, Favorite Crime, Hope You're Happy, Good for You to be specific

-> I can see her being a Harry fan

-> Definitely forced Patricia to go to Love on Tour (Patricia liked it, but she definitely won't tell you that)

-> She was a One Directioner so naturally, the love carried on into the members solo careers (had to miss class when Zayn left)

Mara

-> LAUFEY LAUFEY LAUFEY LAUFEY LAUFEY!!!!!!!

-> Also just listens to old Frank Sinatra, Doris Day, Dean Martin

-> Listened to 5SOS during her brief "bad girl" era to help prove her point but she actually ended up really liking them!

Mick

-> Ed Sheeran and Jojo Siwa

*AUTHOR NOTE* I really hope you guys enjoyed this! Tbh it took a while because a few were tricky for me. Please fell free let me know if you have any you would add. Sorry some descriptions are longer than others

[aydaptic]

Sorry if you've already answered this before but I'm new to the fandom and I found your account through your web-comic and I was wondering what is it about Gavin that you like so much? Why is he one of your favourite characters in dbh? (I've noticed that he isn't much of a fan-favourite in this fandom 😔)

This'll be a long post, but you asked (...and I'll happily answer!) I'll add some descriptions for context. At the top of my head, I can think of 21 reasons why I like his canon equivalent.

1. He's charismatic

Gav gives off an energy that makes it easy to hang onto his every word. I can quote all his lines by heart and I like listening to Neil Newbon (in this specific role) talk. I remember some of Kamski's lines as well -- also mo-capped/voice acted by Newbon -- but Kamski doesn't have nearly as much charisma as Gav does.

2. He's expressive

Ppl who 'talk with their hands' are more charismatic. Gav is all over the place in the break room if you stick around. Hand gestures capture people's attention as they emphasize what is being said.

3. He doesn't think androids are alive (...so in his eyes, the way he treats them isn't wrong)

"Could always try roughin' it up a little. After all... it's not human." - Gavin Reed, The Interrogation

That means he wouldn't rough up a human suspect. This alone justifies his unpleasant attitude towards androids. Hank -- who treated Connor way worse than Gav ever did -- changed his mind. Nothing says Gav can't do the same.

If Alexa suddenly said she was alive, the vast majority wouldn't take it seriously (if any at all.)

4. He's sarcastic

"Congratulations on last night, very impressive." - Gavin Reed, Waiting For Hank...

5. He has dark humor

6. He looks down on people that pay for s*x

Quote above. You don't call someone a "pervert" if you agree with their actions. The Eden Club, in particular, is immoral AF... bc those androids don't have a choice. Gav doesn't care about them being androids, but he still looks down on the guy who paid money to get laid, and I applaud Gav for that. Especially when said guy also had a wife and kids.

7. He has valid concerns about androids taking jobs

Anyone who says differently is either in denial, uninformed, or never had a job they were scared to get fired from. There's already been an uproar about ChatGPT and that's nothing compared to how advanced Detroit: Become Human androids are. The unemployment rate in this game is 37% -- higher than it was during the Great Depression and C*VID -- and androids are the main cause.

I've seen a lot of ppl ask this question:

Q: Why not just buy an android and have them do your job for you, then? You get the money anyway bc it's your android!

A: Bc, believe it or not, the vast majority of men want to work. This is a strange concept to grasp for a lot of ppl. I admire Gav for being one of those men who wants to do it themselves. Letting someone else do your job is taking the easy way out.

8. He's a hard worker

Gallery: "...Ruthlessly ambitious, Reed will do anything to advance his career, even if it means treading on other peoples’ toes."

9. He's ambitious

See the quote above.

10. He doesn't sleep well

This isn't just a headcanon. He has literal bags under his eyes. Just knowing he doesn't sleep well already has me asking, "why?" It's interesting.

11. He puts his feet on the table

After Connor interacts with him in the break room, Gav will go to his desk and do this. I'll go into detail about why this contributes to my liking his character in the very last point.

12. He calls Hank out on his alcoholism

As much as most of us love Hank, he's not in a good space mentally. Showing up drunk/hungover to work should not be tolerated. It not only puts coworkers, but also civilians, at risk. Hank should be in therapy instead of working at the DPD until he gets his life sorted out.

13. He calls Fowler out for giving Hank special treatment

"You won't get away with it this time." - Gavin Reed, The Interrogation (after Hank pulls a literal gun on a human coworker AKA Gav)

So Gav has brought it up to Fowler before and is about to do it again. Ties into the point above. What Hank does -- like assaulting a literal FBI agent -- shouldn't be tolerated.

14. He's a control freak

I gravitate towards ppl and characters who take charge. Those who like being in control and know what they're doing. I'm a control freak myself, but I'd prefer to let someone else take the reins as long as I agree with their methods. I like it when ppl know what they want and act on it. Gav does both.

15. He's protective of his coworkers

I was unsure whether or not to add this as I guess it can be seen as a subjective theory and not an objective fact.

Gav only ever steps in with the gun in The Interrogation when Con uses aggressive force on Chris Miller by tearing him away from the deviant. Con did this after disobeying Gav 3 times. So yeah. Gav is justified for stepping in. Hank, on the other hand, isn't justified for pulling a gun on a human coworker. I see this scene as Gav protecting Chris from Con who is showing signs of deviancy.

16. He can't wink

Endearing.

17. He pouts a lot

Again, endearing.

18. He swears like a sneezing kitten

Same as the two points above.

19. He doesn't like Connor

I don't like Con, either. Yeah. We exist. Personality types like Con's "let's be friends" attitude and constant positivity pisses me off. Before anyone comments that the player decides Con's personality... no. Only to an extent. There are several instances where the player has no say whatsoever. Some of Con's pre-determined responses annoy me.

20. He has great fashion

Big fan of leather jackets.

21. I like him bc I'm a narcissist at times

He's essentially the male equivalent of me to the T. I'm only an asshole internally, though. We love (or hate) characters we relate to. I relate to every single point except 17 and 18 on this list.

There you go :)

His OOC fanon equivalent has a huge fanbase -- especially on Twitter/X and Tumblr turning him into a blushing teenage girl -- but it seems like I'm the only person who can't stand that OOC portrayal of him. That said, I adore his canon equivalent in all his asshole glory.

[the-force-awakens]

honestly the concept of not watching something because it MIGHT be critical of the jedi is batshit to me. wanna know why? because attack of the clones is. and no, I don't mean anything from anidala's extremely skewered perspectives, I'm talking about the scene between obi-wan, mace, and yoda when obi-wan concedes that anakin has become arrogant — Yoda responds with this:

Yes, yes. A flaw more and more common among Jedi. Hmm, too sure of themselves they are. Even the older, more experienced ones.

And we see this arrogance (of thinking they're better than others) illustrated QUITE PLAINLY several times throughout the phantom menace, by Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan both. They're both guilty of not treating Jar Jar well ("the ability to speak does not make one intelligent" is EXTREMELY harsh to say idfc and it's not a good example of that "unconditional love" that the Jedi are encouraged to have), and Obi-Wan stretches this out to include Anakin when Qui-Gon returns for Anakin ("why do I feel like we've picked up another pathetic life form?")

Now does this make either of them villains? Was the real phantom menace actually these two occasionally being dicks to "lesser" life forms? No! Of course not! It just means that they're characters, with individual flaws — severe ones, to be certain, Qui-Gon assumes he knows better than an entire institution who have had rules in place for several millena to avoid uh. everything that happens with Anakin, and even is willing to throw his current padawan aside to DO so. I love both of them dearly, obviously, Quiggs is one of my favorite Jedi, but ongod they are NOT perfect and nor should they be?

If you can handle the ot and the fact that pretty much the entire original gang can all be fucking assholes when they want to be (hey remember when han said something that was ACTUALLY sexist? or can the white flyboy get away with actual sexism when men of color can't get away with pretend sexism that isn't even in the movie?), I think you can handle the Jedi Order as an institution being overall good with real flaws, because that's what makes them interesting, and makes them relatable, and ultimately is what makes the betrayal and tragedy of Order 66 hurt so much MORE. They're not infallible, they're not perfect paradigms of goodness, they were just...people. flawed, realistic people with good hearts and who wanted to help others. and they were rewarded with this by being pushed into a corner, and then ultimately betrayed by those closest to them.

Star Wars would not have lasted as long as it has in the public conscience if all its characters were perfect. It would have faded into obscurity if it did, and the fact that the fandom is SO insistent on stripping every single character and organization of its nuance is fucking batshit insane to me. I'm leaving this post with a favorite quote of mine, y'know from that movie that you all hated because it said not everyone - especially your heroes - are perfect?

Heeded my words not, did you? Pass on what you have learned. Strength... mastery...But weakness... folly... failure, also. Yes, failure most of all. The greatest teacher, failure is.

[tortelette]

Late night insomnia theories AGAIN I CAN'T BLOODY SLEEP PLEASE LORD I TRY TO CLOSE MY EYES AND ALL I CAN SEE IS W SKILL ISSUE DANCING

Meursault and Don are the two sinners who are seriously SERIOUSLY quite the characters that have a lot to unpack. Two characters with almost a one-sided personality when interacting towards others. Especially Don, Don has a skewed-sense of priorities in life and I was beginning to question her.

We do know in the upcoming chapters that Ishmael is going to be featured and ever since Yi Sang's story has concluded(?) (EHEM, Gubo I am coming to kill you, EHEM) I believe that her chapter revolves around the sinners "reenacting" her voyage or meeting a member of her crew who was somehow alive. Might be between those two, I am so excited with that possibility and I cannot wait what Don and Meursault's story chapters have in store.

Don might get a story that revolves around her moral sense of justice and also "personality abandonment." You think that I will forget about those Mariachi peeps back in Chapter 2??? Their comments were on point to Sinclair and the fact that they commented Don as "insincere and lack of a pure heart" iirc means we are getting on to something. I believe that Don is a person who is indifferent to many happenings in the City yet she prefers to look and take action on the smallest of things rather than the bigger of it. (That weird double faced reaction when she VIOLENTLY decided to "save" a backstreet folk and their child who violated a taboo and her neutral reaction in a FUCKING GENOCIDE TOWARDS THE INNOCENT) (Like yeah, she learned something after Verg and her idol got her cucked in the checkpoint area but there has to be an active remnant of that judgement somewhere within her during the genocide in Calw) She wanted to be the center on something especially in a situation where she can properly control hence she ALWAYS try to take over the mantles whenever she can even if it is not in her own expertise.

Hence I believe her story would revolve around the concept of her own moral judgement and how she wanted to be someone important. I also believe she wanted the attention directed at her to be a "great Fixer" she would do everything for that. Pretty much explains why one of her skill type of her default has envy (she wanted to be someone that resembles a great and perfect idea of her belief on a true Fixer and be higher or as levelled as the greatest Fixers in the City). Her story would seriously tackle on breaking her "honorable facade" and might question her validity of her desire to be a great Fixer when in truth she is not genuine on such things to do and would act like that to cover a probable rotten or indifferent personality.

I do have a personal theory that Don Quixote is actually Sancho Panza (Don Quixote's squire in the book) but that will be in a different take rather than now.

Meursault on the other hand, I believe that his story would stress around "emotional and mental breakdowns." This fucker has a decent yet extensive knowledge on distortions. Fuck, he even stated plainly that he get to witness them meaning that he witnessed more than one distortions in his life. I do have two theories on what happened to him back then and would tackle more in the future. His original novel involves him murdering someone and possibly it might bring over to the game's lore as well (more like a portion of it), and I get to say... it is quite unlikely he kills someone with a gun but rather himself.

First theory would be that he killed a person under the process or already been distorted, my friends always think that it has to be his mother because of that quote he stated back at his promotional video. Although, me and my friends would debate that the way he expresses that is either he is forgetful of that incident or that he prefers not to think about that incident and decides to detach himself away from that incident hence he cant remember the entire details of what he had done, a person who killed his distorted mother. I can probably tell that N corp is a toxic workplace environment when there are a lot of questionable acts and decisions sprouted out from the company (problematic Nagel Und Hammer and the "New League of Nine") it would be no doubt there would be a thing or two who would distort after what they have been through.

Second theory is where Meursault is the one being distorted. This is a theory that got us excited the most because of game antics (one of our own sinners fighting against us? Funny enough is that he is the strongest unit with complete full leveled IDs and EGOs ready in my team. This is why I build Heathcliff and Faust as backup in case that scenario will happen.) This theory revolves around him getting into a mental or emotional breakdown (quite difficult what irks him to bend when we know that even in stressful situations he remains a calm yet annoyed facade - Rosespanner ID) and resulted him killing his own mother without him realizing it. But my friends and I were thinking that it might not only be the reason he get into jail. One friend of mine point out that killing one person is not enough to be seen as a threat because that is quite common in the City where survival is a must have because of people getting into each other's throats with or without a valid reason. What if... he kills many people? Yet the only person he realize that was killed in the mix is his own mother. After the onslaught he just returns back to normal after a sense of clarity came to him and in that part is where he gets jailed. He was ridiculed and spouting him anger because he has the ability to distort, something that represents of showing one's true self. Final boss material right here, his story might be about overcoming this distortion problem he is dealing with and also about his perspective of everything and why he thinks of it.

Alright I am done I need to sleep or else my mother find out I am still awake and write this shit. Time to fuck off.