#also i can't believe nobody told me!!!!! why did all of these people see this bug crawling on my neck and not tell me something!!!!!!

[venusiancarbondioxide]

experience i had today: i'm on the bus home. i feel a tickling on the back of my neck. logically, i assume it's a tag on my clothes or a piece of hair that escaped my ponytail. i reach back to grab it and huh, it doesn't feel like either of those things! grab it. pull it in front of me. it's a fucking bug.

[chemicalarospec]

.

[kittykattropicanna]

would you please be able to go into more detail about your prison penpal!simon? why is reader doing it, how did they choose simon (if they had a choice at all), the sorts of letters they exchange? and if they’re any sort of smutty bits for them too? your mechanic au has me absolutely feral beyond words so seeing this made me so excited.

Omg you’re my first asked AHHHHHH I want to scream thank you so much!!!!! 

Absolutely I can go into detail about PrisonPenPal!Simon :3  I can't get out of my mind how deprived he is argh!!! >:( all this time alone, and now that you're here writing him pretty little letters, he can't imagine life without you :3

TW: mentions of murder, jail, corruption kink, breading kink, masterbation (Reader & Simon), public masterbation (kinda), smut, not sub!simon but he does cum in his pants, ahhh you're both just so obsessed with each other :3

PrisonPenPal!Simon masterlist

Regular masterlist

I’ll give you a little back story to why Si actually ended up in jail…

I feel like he retied, left SAS and tried to integrate back into civilian life but failed miserably. He started going out to bars and drinking pretty heavily. The alcohol made him angry, he never was outwardly violent, but everyone could tell he was just a very dark, tortured guy that sat in the back of the bar every night and drank himself stupid. It was like an unwritten rule that nobody bothered him. His a massive guy who’s ex military, if you had half a brain you would leave him alone. 

One night he was leaving the pub and this stupid, stupid 18 year old kid thought it would be funny to try square up to him and impress his friends. 

It didn’t matter how many times they told him to quit it and leave Simon alone, he still trudged up to him with his head held high and chest puffed.  

This kid came up behind Si and punched him in that back of the head. It wasn’t a good punch by any means but it was more then enough to drive Simons drunk brain into utter rage. 

He turned around and punched this kid straight in the head. He went down like a stack of bricks, head making direct impact with the concrete floor, killing him instantly. 

The kid was only 18, he had so much life left to live…..

Of course Si felt absolutely disgusted in himself, he couldn’t believe what he had done. Killed a poor kid who made a stupid decision and ultimately ended his life as well. 

He handed himself over the the police without hesitation. He went quietly and respectfully, cooperated with the police throughout the whole trial, never redirecting blame onto the kid or made it harder then it needed to be. 

He pled guilty for involuntary manslaughter and assault. Gaz, Johnny and Price all pitched in to get him the best defence lawyer humanly possible……ultimately, it worked. Even though the general public was outraged at his light sentence. 

Simons lawyer claimed the punch was in self defence. Someone attacking him from behind also trigged his PTSD resulting in Simon not being able to control his actions in that moment. 

These defences along with him serving in the military for 15+ years and cooperating with the authorities got him 8 years in prison, his sentence was quickly reduced to 4 because of his good behaviour. 

It wasn’t an ideal situation by any means, but it was the best case scenario with the cards he was dealt. 

But lets fast forward to the present….. How did you decide to actually start writing to an inmate? How did you even find out about it?

I have this really cute idea that maybe you were walking through the shopping centre and there was one of those pop up markets that sit in the middle of everything, you know, with the really annoying people that flag you down and you have to awkwardly not make eye contact and walk past them while they’re try and sell you stuff?

Yeah, one of them. This specific stand kinda caught your eye though, It was called “Write An Inmate”

You talked to the guy at the stand about what exactly “Write An Inmate” was and he explained that he was part of the program when he was locked up, how much it helps inmates get through their sentence, helps connect them to the outside world and genuinely just keeps them hopeful. 

First off you were a little hesitant…..speaking to someone who’s in jail because they broke the law sounded a little scary…. 

But hell, its a start of a new year and taking some time out of your day every once in a while to write a short letter to help keep someones hopes up is the least you can do. 

Besides! One of your childhood best friends big brothers went to jail and he wasn’t a bad guy! One of your new years resolutions was to spread more kindness and this is just a perfect way to do so!

Once you got home, you look up the website on the brochure that was given to you and quickly start scrolling through inmates.

They all had profiles with information about them. You couldn’t see what they were in for, but you could see other information like their name, age, date they signed up for the program, time served/time until they get out, amount of letters they have received, a short description of who they are/what they like and a few photos showcasing what they look like. 

You scrolled through a few but they all seemed to have gotten hundreds of letters, you wanted to write someone who wasn’t getting flooded every week with letters, maybe send a letter to someone who could use a pick me up. 

Clicking on the last page you scrolled to the very bottom and click on the last inmate before it even had time to load. 

Once the page opened the name “Simon Riley” appeared on your screen

After looking through his profile a wave of sadness rolled over you 

Name: Simon Riley, most people call me Ghost  Age: 36 Joined: December 26th, 2021 Letters Received: 0 Time served: 3 and a half years  Sentence ends: Year and a half  Description: ex military. I like dogs, big ones not small ones, the outdoors, playing cards and motorcycles. The first thing I want to do when I get out is to eat a steak. 

Attached was three photos. I won’t even lie, they’re definitely dad selfies from different angles HAHAHA they’re such grainy photos too, like they’ve been taken on a 10 year old android. 

Two of the selfies are him with a black balaclava on and the last one was of his face without anything covering it, but again it so grainy you can’t really make his facial features out. 

Simon had joined the program two years ago and hadn't received one letter. You felt horrible, he joined the day after Christmas probably hoping to receive something, anything, but not one person took the time to write him….. 

So obviously Simon was going to be your prisoner pen pal, how could he not be…..

I think the letters start off pretty innocently tbh, you don’t start writing to Simon with the intention of starting any sort of sexual or romantic relationship, it truly is out of the goodness of you’re heart, you sweet girl :(

Simon had totally forgotten about the program honestly, imagine his shock when the prison guard threw him a letter. 

When he frowned and asked who its from the guard just shrugged and said “write an inmate program” and walked off completely unfazed. 

But again, starts out super innocent, things like “I saw that you like big dogs, what’s your favourite breed?” and “what’s your favourite card game? I know how to play blackjack but I’m not very good haha”

I’d like to think you don’t even disclose your gender or name at the start. Keeping everything under lock and key. 

Simon also answers back with pure intentions at first, he has an inkling you may be a women because the hand writing is wayyy to pretty and delicate to come from a man. 

But again! He doesn’t get his hopes up, it could be an old granny for all he knows, but he can’t shake the idea that maybeeeee it could be someone a little more his type, ya know ;)

After a couple weeks of writing letters back and forth you feel like you’re getting to know him a little better. He asks you to call him Simon, not Ghost and he starts writing the cheesiest dad jokes at the bottom of every letter. 

“Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and asks “do you know how to drive this thing?” a little army humour for ya’ :)”

His so charming in such a rough and rugged sort of way you know? It sounds silly to say, I mean, you’ve never met him! But the way his handwriting is complete chicken scratch and how he adds little “:)” “:(“ and “>:)” makes you giggle! 

You end up telling him your name and how old you are, I mean, its only fair! You know his name! You definitely didn’t tell him because you wanted to get his mind racing, get him thinking about all the different possibilities, make him fantasize…

Its fair to say you have a little crush on him :( ahhhh its so humiliating! A city girl like you, good job, successful family and a bright future laying in bed every night fucking your pussy with a brand new dildo you bought just so you could imagine Simon, a felon, fucking your little cunt :( 

When Simon sent his letter that week asking for a photo of you, your little crush just got bigger :(

“Its only fair don’t ya’ think? You know what I look like, why don’t ya’ return the favour sweetpea ;)” 

And of course you did!! He asked so politely! 

Putting on your pushup bra, doing your makeup and styling your hair all for him:(((

You get so frustrated because you don’t want to look like you’re trying too hard for him, argh! Its all so embarrassing!! Your such a needy girl >:(

You make sure to push up your tits, your bra helping them spill out over your cute little shirt and giving him a good view of your gorgeous body. 

After an hour of taking photos you finally get the shot you were looking for 

Eyes sparkling, cute little smile on your lips, light hitting your face just right, lacy bra slightly peaking out the top of your shirt just enough that it looks like an accident, beautiful tits sitting right in frame so he can get a good look and the slight curve of your waist visible. 

Its perfect, it look so effortless…..in your eyes at least

When Si received your letter, his cock got hard the second he saw your picture :((((

Since his been locked up he hasn’t been able to jerk off properly >:( 

His balls are so heavy as is, and now he has a photo of you 

He could basically cum in his pants at the thought of holding your waist as you ride him. Using his big callused hands to fuck your pretty pussy onto his aching cock >>:((((((

You’re so put together! nice clothes, from the look of the background, nice apartment, clean bedroom. Just the thought of him corrupting you, fucking his baby into you, making you move into a shitty little apartment while he works and you look after his chubby baby makes his dick start to twitch :3

Before he can stop himself, he cums all in his pants :(

He hasn’t cum properly in years! yet a simple photo of you did it for him in seconds!!! You’re such a nasty minx, you know exactly what you’re doing you dirty girl >>:(

That night he lays under the covers, his cell mate fast asleep on the other side of the room as he slowly pumps his cock to the photo of you.

Eyes closed and head thrown back against the thin pillow, he bites his lip so he doesn’t make any noise. 

You see, playboy magazines get passed around all the time, they’re not hard to find if you know the right people, but it just doesn’t do it for Si!!

Of course they’re beautiful women, there’s no doubt about it, but everything so photoshopped :(

Si likes his women natural. No skin smoothing filters or enhancements from photoshop, he likes his women real 

His so deprived that he cums in record time, his hot load shooting all over your face, the once clean photo now sticky and stained….

He wished he had it in him to be embarrassed, but he just can’t! God, he needs to hear your voice, your picture just isn’t enough anymore….

In his next letter he asks if he could use his monthly call to speak to you……Johnnys just gonna have to wait, they can talk football another time >:(

Aghhhh, PrisonPenPal!Simon is so fucking cocky it hurtssss, PrisonPenPal!Simon is open for requests so feel free to send them throughhhhh, add to the AU, ask me expand on certain topics, whatever floats your boat >:)

!Disclaimer! - Above is NSFW content - MDNI - If you follow my blog without your age in your bio, you will be blocked - If you are under the age of 18, you are not welcome here, otherwise, enjoy :)

Cat divider sourced by @positively-mine from Pinterest - Pink line divider by @eloquentreverie - MDNI divider by @cafekitsune

Basic blog housekeeping -  fic requests guidelines, boundaries and my rules for minors

[a-little-ray-of-fantasy]

CherriSnake, as a couple, most likely wasn't in the plans, if you only saw the pilot, but honestly, I personally really enjoyed their dynamic in the show, regardless.

There's a reason why people shipped Cherri Bomb and Sir Pentious all these years: rivals to lovers is always a win. Plus, the confident, spunky powerhouse and the battle oriented, dorky edgelord? It really made sense!

So let's talk about them in the series proper!

Cherri Bomb was never against the idea of dating Sir Pentious. Maybe unimpressed by his awkward attempts, but never really rebuffed them.

If anything she kinda pokes fun at him for trying so hard with her: you say you're my arch nemesis, but then you try to flirt with me?

What, YOU want to make sex with me? Care to explain why?

They've been rivals for years by now, Cherri KNOWS Pentious tends to put up a front to impress, and most likely would've given him a chance if he had the confidence to be true about his intentions.

Sadly, this is Sir Pentious we're talking about: a very insecure man who struggles with socializing and pleasing others. So he blunders his own attempts at flirting to avoid being rejected by buying everyone drinks or wanting to have sex with everyone.

Speaking of that, Sir Pentious, of all people, wanting to have sex? It's really not him, it's not something he'd do under normal circumstances, but he's drunk, all his previous attempts have failed, so he might as well be bold. But even then you can tell by the way he says "Do a sex with me." that he has NO idea what he's talking about.

And she's quick to call him out. Again, not with annoyance but with humor.

Sir Pentious was completely out of his element here, and, being the insecure man he is, instead of going with his strengths (which we're going to talk about in a minute), he went for what HE believed Cherri wanted, and he payed the price: she wasn't impressed, he lost his chance.

Also, I totally believe that the reason behind his struggles to come to terms with his crush is also linked to the fact that... he's a man of science, war and machines! He just can't get a crush, it doesn't work like that! So of course he'd try to mask it!

Of course he engages with Cherri Bomb: she's his arch nemesis! Nothing more! He would never buy drinks for her specifically! ...except nobody will ever buy his lie, and he wouldn't notice how obvious he is.

Next time, we see Pentious trying, and fail once again, to confess to Cherri, but something has changed. He talked to Charlie about it. And while we don't see WHAT they've said to each other, we know for a fact that Charlie totally encouraged him to be himself and confess his feelings.

Heck, if you watch closely, Vaggie even puts a hand on Pentious' own as if to wish him good luck! She's really come to trust him, aw!

And this time, while Sir Pentious still is too nervous to fully confess his feelings, he still goes about it by actually sticking to his strengths, the reason why he fell for Cherri in the first place.

Sir Pentious is an inventor, a warrior, he works with machines. He has engaged in turf wars against Cherri for years and by now he knows her: she's destructive, unpredictable, and unstoppable. She most likely often beat him too, but both gave their all in the battle. And Sir Pentious definitely was impressed by that.

He's not blind, of course he finds Cherri pretty (and let's face it, she is!). But that's the reason he fell for her, something on his league he could recognize and actively engage in: her prowess in battle, her creativity with her explosives, and her determination. And he fully told her that, with clear admiration in his voice.

And this time, Cherri, while still a bit confused on how he's still being awkward about it, this time shows a positive response: she thanks him, she smiles, she genuinely appreciates his compliments.

Reminder that Cherri is much more upfront about, uhm, going out with people. She has slept around, did quick things, and if lore is still the same for her, her love life wasn't a happy one. She's used to have people wanting her for her body, or having surface level attraction to her.

But this is her long time rival, the one man she often faced in turf wars, the edgelord who always put up a front of a grandiose villain when he really was an awkward nerd from the Victorian times that was easy to rattle. And maybe she didn't develop feelings for him the same way he did for her, but it's clear she never held animosity against him. She does care for this lovable loser, deep down, so his compliments are genuinely appreciated.

So when the battle begins, and Adam has started showing the big guns, Sir Pentious gives a quick glance at his blimp, knowing what has to be done, and with the feeling there's a high chance he won't make it.

And so he does the one thing he's always been afraid to do. It's now or never: if he has to go down, he shall do it with no regrets. To heck with fears and insecurities: he loves Cherri, and this time he will show it the way he knows how.

An awkward but completely sweet kiss in the middle of the battle, as her bomb goes off in the background. A gesture that REALLY represents their bond.

Sadly it's short lived. Sir Pentious finally declares his love and runs away to save the day, but still emotional about what happened: the only request he has for her before the deed is simply to remember him.

And I'm positive Cherri will definitely remember this. Him, the kiss, the battle. Everything.

[respectthepetty]

Pit Babe Colors Ep. 12 The Black Parade Episode

I'm challenging myself with this show and seeing how good my color skills really are, so I'm doing my normal thing of watching it double-speed on mute, but now, the captions are off also. It's just colors and vibes here. Y'all done told be EVERYTHING, so I know the entire plot now.

THAT WAS A TEAR! KENTA IS CRYING!

I thought it wasn't just sweat last week but knowing he is actually crying as he thinks about their past did immediate damage to me, and now they are ALL standing there in the dark with Way and Pete highlighted by the blue, and, and, and . . . Kentana are you gonna die? You and Waymond are stressing me the fuck out!

Now that I know they are both enigmas, I can't see them the same. Are they using their superpowers on each other right now? Are they reading each other's minds? Are they trying to figure out how to get Kentana back, so they can make this poly?

Kentana, how many times are you going to have this man spit in your face before you realize that he ain't shit? Go to your room, turn on Billie Eilish's "Happier Than Ever" and really hear it. "Never told anyone anything bad cause that shit's embarrassing. You were my everything, and all that you did was make me fucking sad."

The blue keys in front of the red product placement is all I need to be reminded that this show refuses to allow me peace.

Shocking absolutely fucking nobody, Kentana did not listen to "Happier Than Ever"

And now someone is gonna die because there are only so many ways for you and Waymundo to redeem yourselves, and if you have Jeffrey in all black, I'm worried it's gonna be your funeral we will be planning next, Kentana.

There is one episode left and I am death gripping the one time Vegas' Hedgehog wore blue because I will never get it again. I hate them.

Real question: Is Barbie pregnant? I know he is sad Charles is "dead" *eye roll* but he is taking pills, getting fruit thrown at him, and staring out into space. I would love to believe he is going through his Edward-left-Bella-so-she-was-super-duper-sad era, but now that I know pregnancy is on the table, that's all I can see.

Oh, thank goodness! Someone actually has a tracker on his phone! But Kimberly has been kidnapped, caught up in human trafficking, and is now beating up children. Bro, what was your life before it all went to shit? Do you ever call your mom and tell her these are your friends now? Are you even still racing? Nevermind. Go catch those kids.

The problem with black is the shades. Waymond's jacket looks green. Peter's pants look blue. And yet it still feels like we are preparing for a funeral. A real one this time. Not fake like someone else's *cough* Charles *cough*

Kentana, are you betraying Jeffrey as Big Red watches? Or are you asking him how Peter's been? Has he been well, without you? Is he dating anyone? What is his status with Way? Well, Jeffrey wouldn't know, but Peter x Waymond could be poly if you get out of that fucking house and stop kidnapping people!

Going from Kentana in that House of Horrors to Pete looking like this makes me understand why Kentana is out there kidnapping people. I'd feel some type of way too if my childhood crush looked like this and was getting chummy with a dude who looked like Way Way. Damn.

What the hell is this?! The cover of a boy band album? A meeting to discuss poly? The Thai version of Barbie where Ken(tana) explains why he won't leave the Mojo Dojo Casa House? AND WHY ARE ALL OF YOU WEARING BLACK?! Someone is gonna die.

Did Big Red know Kentana went to see Barbie and the other Kens?! Was he sent there by Big Red?! Kentana is really breaking my heart on his knees hugging this man like this. I want to slap Kentana all the time, but I also want to hug him and tuck him into bed with a moon nightlight calmly lighting up the room.

Let's stick him in a video game, so he can learn to love himself.

Push him down the stairs, Kentana! Do it. PLEASE! Shoulder check his ass at least.

Oh Lord, NO! Waymond, do not take a fucking bullet for anyone. You canNOT die by Whiny Winifred's bullet. I refuse to let you go out like that. You finally used your powers for good, but this is not the time to die.

Y'ALL DIDN'T EVEN GRAB THE BAG!

This is Mission Kim Possible all over again! How do you not grab the damn bag?! Waymundo looks so damn good in his suit, so thank God he is still alive, but what the fuck guys?! One job! SECURE. THE. BAG.

I hate how good everyone looks in black because I keep swinging through emotions. I'm terrified for everyone yet very attracted to everyone. All the guys connected to Big Red have been in black this episode regardless if it was their color or not, so I'm hoping that means the funeral will be Big Red's.

A cult meeting, in this economy? Villains make the dumbest decisions.

Waymond has some white on . . . over black. Please Mary, mother of God, do not let him do something stupid.

Alan, did you just say "eff them kids"? No. Not my Alan. He'll be back for them. Right. Right?

Peter is gonna Regina George his way into this Halloween party that he was not invited to just to cause some havoc. Mad respect.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

How the hell did Charles get there?! Did Barbie's dad tell him to go to the cult meeting? Dressed like that though? Did his spidey sense go off? So many questions, but all I know is Kentana better let them go, so he doesn't have to die.

Whiny Winifred better not get better at aiming in the final episode because I still need both of these two to wear blue TOGETHER.

WAYMOND, NO!!!!!!!!!!

Good to know it only took being kidnapped twice and (possibly) someone dying for Jeffrey to finally commit to the blue.

My nerves are wrecked. There was too much black this episode. Someone is going to die, and as much as I want it to be Big Red, I just don't feel good that Kentana is still on his bullshit, and Waymond keeps jumping in front of guns. Peter needs both of his boyfriends to live.

Also, Barbara, I already know you are immediately going to hug Charles next week, instead of having a moment to be pissed all the way off at him like you should be, so I'm going to start meditating on that right now. I've been mad at Charles the entire season, so I'll hold this grudge for both of us in the finale.

[equallyshaw]

secret love song | luke hughes

warnings: swearing, no happy ending my loves🙈

word count: 2.9k +

also her brother is a professional athlete, no specifics!

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

We keep behind closed doors Every time I see you I die a little more Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls It'll never be enough

◦

sadie murphy and luke hughes met right after the new jersey devils lost in the second round of the playoffs. they absolutely adored one another from the gecko. they were able to be together, without anyone knowing. secret glanes and secret touches in public, in and around their friend groups. nobody batted an eye. sadie and luke wanted to keep it quiet just because of who her brother was and who luke was, a budding athlete and the two did not want that extra pressure or people following their every move. yet, they wanted nothing more than to be public.

every time they are around one another in public, the universe makes it quite difficult for them to not stare at one another, or grab each others hands behind everybody else. it was killing sadie beyond belief as soon as month two of the season rolled around. luke couldn't or wouldn't take the time to truly understand why she wanted things to be a secret.

"luke you dont get it! my brother will kill me. he specifically told me no athletes and here we are! i know i cant possibly have you promise or make you keep us quiet. because believe me, i want to tell them i wanna tell the world and be seen with you and wear your jersey at games, but i-i i just cant." she said one night, as they were sharing a quiet date in her apartment in manhattan. he shook his head from the dinner table as she was busying herself with dinner. "do you not want to be seen with me sadie? is that the real reason you don't want to go public or tell your fucking family?" he asked now irritated, and she dropped the salad mixers. she looked up from him as he walked over towards the brunette. she shook her head, "the fact that you're asking that is wild!" she said now turning towards him fully, "are you nuts? its killing me not to be able to, but i don't want the world tearing us apart because believe me they will!" she screamed now. he threw his hands up in the air, in disbelief. "well it seems like were gonna keep going in circles so im leaving." he said beginning to walk towards the apartment door. she growled, "stop!" she said hoping he'd stop. "don't leave, we have to finish this conversation!" she said now walking towards him. "why would we? you've made everything perfectly clear for me, sadie." he said opening the door and stopping briefly to look back at the girl. "stop..let me at least drive you home." she said sighing. luke nodded, and waited at the door for her to grab her purse and keys. he let her walk out, and then he shut the door behind them.

◦

As you drive me to my house I can't stop these silent tears from rolling down You and I will have to hide On the outside Where I can't be yours and you can't be mine

◦

sadie and luke drove towards luke's and jack's apartment right over the border in hoboken. billie eillish was playing softly in the background as the two sat in silent. luke was doing everything he could to not cry at that very moment. he wanted to keep his emotions in check, but every minute they drove closer and closer and every moment they drove in silence, was killing him. just like her, it'd been killing him inside too. he wanted to how her off to the world, and celebrate all the things that make her her and what she'd been doing since graduating, in public. he was head over heels in love with this girl. yet, he feared that they'd never be each others for the long haul. she pulled up to the curb, and parked her car. the two contniued to sit in silence, not wanting to say anything that would conclude their relationship.

"i love you." luke blurted, and sadie could feel her heart swell. she loved him too, the past 6 months almost cemented that. she turned towards luke with tears in her eyes, and smiled. luke felt the breath he'd been holding in, exit his body. "i love you too, lukey." she said smiling and then pulled him in boldly to kiss him. luke's hand found the base of her neck, her brunette hair felt like silk in his hand. the other found her hand that connected to his instantly. they pulled apart resting their foreheads against one another. "soon, lukey. soon." she hummed before pecking him quickly. he looked at her with a slight slant to his head, "really?" he whispered and she nodded. "yes." she whispered back, and he now pecked her. "ill call you when i get back home." she said unclasping their hands and he nodded, getting out.

◦

But I know this, we got a love that is hopeless

◦

despite the two confessing, sadie had a deep fear that swelled in her stomach. if she told her brother and he told his brothers, things would change. things would change so much, they'd have no choice but to break up. god, how she hated how that boy made her feel that was certain.

◦

Why can't I hold you in the street? Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor? I wish that it could be like that Why can't it be like that?

◦

sadie did not know what to do, as soon as she showed up to the bar. she walked in with a few girlfriends and they made their way to the group of hockey players. and as soon as she turned to go find luke- she saw him. he was talking to a girl at the bar, and stood awfully close to her. they were laughing, smiling, and talking very close to one another. sadie felt a distaste in her mouth, and quickly looked away. "lukey finally got a date?" maya her close friend questioned his brother, and jack nodded. "finally, I've been trying to get them together for a while now but he's been so fuckin stubborn!" jack explained, pushing a shot into each girls hands. sadie threw it back gracefully, before going off to the bar to get another and a drink to begin the night. luke did not notcie the girl slide over, as he was engrossed in a conversation with the blonde. she was nice, he'd give her that. yet, she was not sadie. nobody would ever be sadie.

later on in the evening, sadie was about 4 drinks deep by the time the musical performance was beginning. luke and the girl were still at the bar conversing and sadie had seen him lean in a few times, but she'd look away before she could see anything else. jack wrapped an arm around sadie, cheering with the rest of the crowd as the guest came out. "hows sadie burrows doing tonight?" he questioned, looking down at her. she shrugged sipping more of her drink. "you seem down. anything happen today?" he questioned, leaning a bit closer so she did not have to speak very loudly. she blew some air, frustratedly. as luke and the blonde were coming to join the group, he saw how close jack was to sadie. he knew sadie obviously didnt have any feelings for his brother and never had, but couldn't get rid of the feeling she did in that moment. she laughed at whatever jack had said, throwing her head back and saw a glint of spark in jacks eyes.

he turned his attention back towards the blonde, trying to ignore the giggles that sadie put on display. the group took in the musical guest, for the next two hours. sadie made many glances towards luke and her heart broke, when she saw the two of them swaying. luke had his arms wrapped around the girl from behind and they swayed to the music. sadie felt tears pool her eyes, and the feeling that she needed to get out of there. she set her drink back down in front of her, and quickly moved out of jack's arm that was still around her shoulder. she made her way outside of the bar, and breathed in the cold november air that hit her like a ton of bricks.

she sat down against the brick wall and cried in her knees, shakingly pulling out her phone to call her brother. she sniffled, shutting it. she would wait to call him, and she sara nora her other friend walk out. "want me to drive you home?" and sadie nodded. she pulled her friend up and the two walked back to her car, since she was the DD. "wanna tell me about it?" nora treaded lightly, as she pulled onto the street. "is it about luke?" nora asked and sadie quickly whipped her head towards her friend. nora giggled, "yeah i had a feeling for awhile now. you two are not always so suttle." she hummed and sadie sighed. "im sorry love, what luke was doing was a dick move." she said grabbing her friends hand and pulling it tightly. sadies phone buzzed with a ccouple texts from luke. she put her phone on silent as they were now just pulling up to her building. "let me know if you need anything, sades." and sadie nodded. "thanks." she said before stepping out. she made her way upstairs quickly, and as soon as she entered her apartment she was already clicking mike's contact. and as soon as he picked up, she broke down.

"sadie?" he questioned now fully alert. his heart broke watching her cry, and he waited respectfully for her to talk. and once she did, he was angry. he was angry, disheartened, frustrated and all he wanted to do was hug his little sister. the two spoke for another hour and she had made he way to her couch at that point. she was sitting up as soon as she heard a knock on her door. her eyebrows crinkled, and mike watched as she looked over towards the door. "uh, one sec. somebody's here." she said setting the phone down and making her way towards the door.

◦

It's obvious you're meant for me Every piece of you it just fits perfectly Every second, every thought I'm in so deep But I'll never show it on my face

But we know this We got a love that is hopeless

◦

she opened the door to luke, and quickly shut it before his reflexes could react. "ill call you back mike....luke's here." she said grabbing her phone. "no, don't talk to him." and she paused glaring at him, "let me." he said and she shook her head. "i have too...i have to end things mikey. " she said softly and mike relaxed just a bit nodding. "okay, call me once he leaves." and then she hung up. she opened the door to luke waiting, and she let him step in. "let me explain." he said turning around quickly. sadie shook her head, "you atleast owe me that sadie." and she sighed walking into the living room with him following. "jack was the one that forced us together, i had no intention of talking to her but he -" and she cut him off. "forced? are you 5 luke? you can make your own decisions." she huffed, crossing her arms. "i didnt want to talk to her i swear! i did it so it wouldnt strange. besides, you cant get upset with me when you are the one that doesnt want to be seen in public." he spat and she bit her lip. "its been a month since we said i love you's, and ive barely seen you and - and, you havent made any move to make us go public. and i dont think i can do it anymoe, sadie! i dont think i can and i dont think i want to wait anymore." he said out loud, finally saying what he'd been wanting to say for some time now. she met his eye and she saw his frustration and a look of emptyness.

"wait what?" she questioned, wanting him to repeat what she thinks he said. "i know that we are meant for one another. i know with every fiber and being in my body that we are meant for one another. when i think of my future, i see you in all of it. it kills me to not be with you every second of the day, it kills me to not be seen with you, dancing with you in public, tonight- tonight it could have been you and i sadie. don't you realize that? do you not realize how deep i am? how fucking in love i am with you?" he said desperately. "or did you not realize that when you were with my brother tonight?" he asked, a low fucking blow. "fuck you luke! you know ive never seen him that way. he was being a friend, more than you were tonight!" she screamed and he shook his head, "what did he say to make you laugh? what did he say to make you laugh that deeply?" he questioned and she rolled her eyes. "are you jealous?" she questioned and he laughed, "i could ask the same thing sadie." he said chuckling just a bit. "he made a dumb joke...about penguins becuase he could see how down i was. nothing else, nothing more." she said and he didn't buy it. "why was he all over you tonight?" and she now chuckled. "you read too much into it luke, you sound dumb right now." she put her hands in her face, and thought about what he said.

" im just playing with time right? you were never going to make things official with me, right? was it-" he paused hating himself for what he was going to say, "was it all a game to you?" he asked in disbelief. "what?" she said barely above a whisper. "how could you ask me that? after everything?" she questioned, pulling her hands from her face. "because you keep going round and round in circles, stringing me along! giving me false hope every fucking time we see one another. do you know how exhausting that gets huh? do you not understand how much it hurts me every time, i leave and nothing has changed?!" he said with tears streaming down his face. oh, how that killed the girl. "we have to recognize at some point before its too late...that this...whatever this thing between us isn't going to work out. that im not gonna get the future i envision with you, sadie." he said and she felt herself crying now.

"i want to luke...i really want to." she said softly, "you know my anxiety, my habit of isolation and panic. you knew this going into this!" she threw back and he rolled his eyes. "dont use that an excuse, sadie. youre better than that!" he said turning around, his hands resting on his waist. "lets just call it what it is. you dont love me..enough to be official. and im not gonna stick around when i already know the ending." he said turning back around to face her. she shook her head, letting a sob out. she had nothing left to say, she knew that whatever she said wouldn't be enough. nothing could buy her more time, and they both knew it. luke walked towards the girl, pulling her in. he kissed her head, rubbing her back softly. "im sorry for all of this luke, i really am." she said crying now. he nodded kissing her head once more. "i know sadie i know." he said pulling back just a bit so he could look at her. he wiped away her tears, and pulled her in for one last kiss.

they parted, and he pulled out his car keys which had two extra keys on it. his apartment key and her's, and he slipped the latter off of it. she took it from him and just watched as he walked out of her life. as soon as luke exited the apartment complex, and hopped back in jacks car, where jack had been waiting patiently. jack took one look at his young brother and saw the pained look he was sporting, "its over." was all luke said before breaking down. jack placed his hand on his brother's back for comfort. as soon as nora and sadie left the bar, so did jack and luke. luke told jack everything, and jack hated himself for pushing luke and the girl together that evening. though luke reminded him that he didn't know, so he shouldn't feel bad.

◦

the two didn't see one another for quite some time after that. it wasn't until new years even in the city when their extended friend group got together for a party. the both of them walking in with somebody on their arm. luke with the girl from that evening, and sadie with a friend from back home, that had only recently turned into something more. as soon as sadie entered the penthouse, luke quickly took notice of the girl and sent a smile towards her. she smiled back, before her boyfriend whisked her away towards the drinks.

them both knowing deep down, that they'd run back to one another if the opportunity arose.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

hope you guys enjoyed! pls like and reblog if you did (:

[liquidorcard]

HEY Y'ALL IT'S MIKAILER WITH AN "ER" WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO GRASP!?

---

Did I get your attention, Mikaila? I hope so, let's see.

Mikaila, I don't like you. You've done shit that's soured my opinion of you. I'm acknowledging that now to get that out of the way. I'm not here to be two-faced about this or blow smoke up your ass.

But as one idiot who stayed in a toxic relationship to another-- I'm not making fun of you because I think I'm better. I know. Being in a relationship like that brings out some ugly shit. You resent and fear people will never forgive you. You don't know if you will forgive yourself. I'm not making fun of you because I think I'm better than you.

And it feels kinda good, being treated badly? In a weird way? When you're used to it? When you feel you kind of deserve it? It did for me too. My abuser did some fucked up shit to me. I don't know how to describe to you the strange feelings I'm left with now. Sometimes I think I finally hate her, sometimes, as pathetic as it makes me feel, I still miss her. It's a rot in you that never really goes away, but you learn to live with it. I understand that agony. I understand that anger of how fucking unfair it is.

You know my opinion of Lily. You're not going to trust me that I'm not saying all this just to get you two to break up to hurt her. Fair. Very fair, not going to pretend like it's not. But if Lily loves you, nothing I'm about to say should be an issue. She should want what's best for you, right?

Here's the rub Mikaila, it's been a few years now. I know you want out of your situation at home, but it doesn't seem like Lily's going to be able to help you with that at this point. I'm sure Lily's given you plenty of reasons as to why, and it's time to listen to her.

If you're heart's set on coming to Canada, your best bet is getting a job here. Or even, going to school. Art degrees (Here in Canada) aren't as expensive, provided you go to the right school. Even taking out a student loan for just one year to figure your shit out. I know you're in quite a bit of debt right now and don't want to get into more, but. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Here's the college I went to. Yes, your work is sufficient to potentially get admitted. Believe it or not, art school's get that illustration is a learned skill. Artists start from all different levels:

Look through the admissions requirements to see if you have the academic records to be admitted. If not, you could also consider upgrading through online classes aswell.

Again though, your best bet is to try to find employment. The cost of living isn't great here right now, but it isn't great anywhere. I doubt you'll be able to find cheaper rent in America.

Once you're here or wherever you end up, away from the chaos of your home, you might find it a lot easier to get your head around, establishing some better independence and becoming a citizen by yourself. It's a shitty process, but not as bad as the one you guys have in the States. We stan an immigrant here.

You need to look out for you, Mikaila. It's not selfish. It's not a matter of whether you "really deserve it or not." Nobody's going to save you. You're emotionally spent because of your parents, You're emotionally spent because of Lily. And it feels kind of nice how much Lily needs you. But you can't help her until you help yourself - and again, if we're all wrong and Lily really loves you, she shouldn't have a problem with you finding your way.

My own mother once told me I was "born sad." I've never not hated myself. I ate up any little bit of love and validation no matter how many bitter, razor pills that came with it too. That's just how it is for some of us.

But you know what Mikaila? Fuck em. Fuck all of them. Fuck everything. Fuck me, Mikaila. You've got one life. One body. One you. Whatever you think of her, someone's gotta fight for that poor bitch. Why not you fight for you?

Everyone's a stinky meat bag stripped down, Mikaila. Everyone's made a fool in the wake of the shit people like you and I have been through. Not everyone's going to be able to forgive everything, but everyone's not wholly past forgiveness.

I'm no better than you Mikaila. Nobody is. Some of us just get to know the worst sides of ourselves better than others.

I don't like some of the things you've done, girl. But I see you. I get it. Tell us all to eat shit. Fix your life. Don't rely on Lily to make you feel whole or to save you. To make you feel worthy. No person can do that. She could be the reincarnation of Mary Mother of God herself, and you couldn't expect that from her. Be your own advocate. If your relationship isn't toxic, it can survive you becoming a more whole you.

This asshole is rooting for you. Give me an excuse to undoomer "Mikailer." My girl needs a win.

[wutheringskies]

everyone is like: if wei wuxian told everyone he gave his core to Jiang Cheng, all of this wouldn't have happened!

me: if he told jiang cheng, it would be WORSE.

consider these points:

Jiang Cheng was a newly appointed sect leader, hell-bent on revenge, finally surpassing others. He would emotionally break if he finds out it's all because of Wei Wuxian's core. He wouldn't want to lose it; but Wei Wuxian holding that over his head will make it terrible for him; rage, tantrums; in that war-time would have literally robbed him of his senses.

This is a war. If some people find out Wei Wuxian doesn't have a core, what's stopping the enemy from finding out? Even so, there would be people who wish to kill the ever-powerful son of a servant. The hundreds-hole curse could only succeed because Jin Zixun had low cultivation. Think of how many enemies (Wens, and the others) Wei Wuxian had. They don't dare curse him because 1) they believe he has superior cultivation and 2) if he comes for revenge with his stygian tiger seal and chenqing, it simply wouldn't be worth it. So, high risk and low reward. but in actuality, if someone did curse him, without a core to cleanse him, it would be fatal!

As the "son of a servant" and "wielder of immense power," his place in the cultivation world was already unstable. If they find out he doesn't even have a core, he cannot stay in the cultivation world! If he leaves, then there's no protection guaranteed for him from those who wish to claim his power anyway!

Literally, the only ones who would genuinely care would be Lan Wangji and Jiang Yanli. And what could they do? Lan Xichen would be sympathetic, but when has sympathy saved lives when there's no follow-up action? Nie Mingjue would commend his sacrifice, but will he save the Wens? Nope. Nobody would magically go like, "oh, let us help wei wuxian who doesn't have a core tragically."

Among the general public, would anyone look at it as anything other than a grand sacrifice for his superior? "Wei Wuxian is really loyal," and when he saves the Wens, it would go down the path of, "Can't believe he betrayed the Jiang Clan."

The only one who wished to know the why's and the how's and the reasoning behind it all was Lan Wangji. Lan Wangji, who would try his utter best; but Wei Wuxian himself was so powerful. Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan were powerful. Wen Qing and Wen Ning were also powerful. All the righteous people had tragic ends - if Lan Wangji was allowed to know, he would push harder at Wei Ying. But will Wei Ying accept it? Will he feel a certain disregard of respect? A lack of trust from Lan Wangji because they dont have the fundamentals down?How can it magically make things alright, when their issues go deeper than Wei Wuxian being on an "unorthodox path"? So, who's to say, even if Lan Wangji realized it all, somehow forced himself into Wei Wuxian's space when Wei Wuxian did not want it with some OOC syndrome, but even then what can he do? In the end, rather than just one, both would die. The odds are bad when it's 1 vs 3000, but is it much better if it's 2 vs 3000?

Wei Wuxian's arrogance protected the secret that would've signed him out of the war, out of the cultivation world. The fear people had for him protected him. Even after his death, they only noticed the annihilation of minor clans because "oh no yllz is here to take revenge!" If he acted weak and approachable and sad, just how few would hold true empathy compared to all the many that would see an opportunity to strike? Whoever wields power, speaks out, and is from an unproveleged background yet sitting among the gentry is already an outcast.

The only way he wouldn't have died were if he were someone who bowed to servitude, if he kept quiet, if he counted his losses and gains like Jin Guangyao. Will this harm me? Yes. So I cannot do it.

That's not Wei Wuxian.

"Let gains and losses remain uncommented upon." If the whole world wishes to kill innocents to satiate their own hatred then the whole world is wrong, and he won't stand up for it - whether or not, he has a romantic relationship with Lan Wangji early, or if he's actual siblings with the Jiangs (like actually adopted.)

Whether he wields a sword or his flute or nothing at all; whether he's loved or hated, he is bound to be resented by those who are hypocrites. The loss of his golden core won't shake them with empathy, but mockery not just towards him, but towards Jiang Wanyin as well.

"Congratulations, Jiang Cheng, for killing the man who killed your entire family (false, but you know) and was unrighteous!"

"But isn't the Jiang Clan only alive because of Wei Wuxian's core?"

"Jiang Wanyin is such a loser; he took his servant's core."

That would be a fucking literal nightmare. That is why, Wei Wuxian doesn't say a word or whine or cry. He probably thought he could wait until Jiang clan is in a better spot and tell only Jiang Cheng, but by then, he'd already been caught up in the Wen's situation.

[dangermousie]

Top Dozen 2023 drama MLs so far

It's August, so not the end of the year, neither it is at halfway year mark, but why would I ever do anything like a normal person? Here my very very subjective list. I have limited myself to one dude per drama or LYF would be half the list. No order except alphabetical.

Chen Wende (Sun Yizhou in Gone With the Rain, China)

The epic troll lord stole the whole drama as competently as he stole the FL's heart. He was competent and adult and oh-so-amused by but also gone for the heroine.

Gu Jiusi (Bai Jing Ting in Chang Feng Du/Destined, China)

CFD lost steam for me halfway through but Jiusi's character remained a delight throughout and BJT gave a great performance as a golden boy who went through a bunch of hell and grew up but remained goodnatured at heart.

Han Dong Jin (Kim Young Kwang in Call It Love, Korea)

You know, he and Jing (from LYF1) really fit the same mold even if one is in a mellow realistic modern and another in xianxia - lovely traumatized people from monster families who win over heroine with a metric ton of baggage through sheer unswerving decency. I have a type.

Jang Uk (Lee Jae Wook in Alchemy of Souls s2, Korea)

I loved Uk in S1 and S2 continued that love - he's so intense, so grieving, so still in love with Naksu. LJW is always a good actor so it's such a pleasure to see him in a good role.

Kim Do Ha (Hwang Min Hyun, My Lovely Liar, Korea)

The year of surprises - Minhyun, who I found utterly wooden in AoS stole my heart here as this hopeful, traumatized sweetheart of a man.

Kim Moo Chan (Park Hae Jin, The Killing Vote, Korea)

Yeah, we are only one ep in but who said anything about this list was objective? PHJ brings his usual unsettling intensity to the role of a cop who breaks all the rules and teeters on the edge and now is set to catch a killer who really only differs from him in a matter of degree.

Lee Jang Hyun (Nam Goong Min in My Dearest, Korea)

If I had to pick a favorite ML from this list, it would be between him and Jing (LYF). This is basically if you took Rhett Butler and took out slavery and rape but gave him a sword. The character is complex and nuanced and NGM is giving his usual incredible performance.

Lee Rang (Kim Bum in Tale of the Nine Tailed 1938, Korea)

I was not a Rang fangirl for most of the original (even if he was well-acted; and he did win me over by the end) but I fell for him head over heels in this sequel/prequel/spin-off. I am so happy the man who believed he had nobody and was abandoned by everybody ends the story with his beloved brother and his beloved woman, both.

Moon Seo Ha (Ahn Bo Hyun in See You in My 19th Life, Korea)

A lot of MLs on this list have serious trauma and haunted by it and can't let go of their past love (I have a type) but even by those standards, Seo Ha was such a lovely, quiet person slowly healing.

Tantai Jin (Luo Yunxi in Till the End of the Moon, China)

Abuse victim/monster/praiseworthy king/xianxia saint/man on the brink - LYX portrayed a character in multiple timelines and many different complexities and did it amazingly. Tantai Jin may or may not win my favorite place on this list, but his performance was hands-down the most glorious thing this year.

Tushan Jing/Ye Shiqi (Deng Wei in Lost You Forever part 1, China)

If before LYF aired someone would have told me that a character played by Deng Wei, an actor I've always found eminently forgettable, would make it on this list and be in the running to win the whole thing actually, I'd have wondered what weird reality they came from. They somehow managed to make someone genuinely good and kind not in the least boring; I am ridiculously invested in the man who managed to keep his soul after all he's been through.

Yun Xiang (Chen Xiao in The Ingenuous One, China)

A schemer on a revenge quest, smarter than anyone else in the room but helpless in front of love. Yun Xiang was an adult in an adult story for adults and it was glorious.

[grimfurbybitch]

the "I have something to confess, I'm in love with you" "wait I thought we were already dating?" trope but Zestious

Because let's be real folks, Sir Pentious is a fucking idiot, his ass would NOT realize that he had a boyfriend, like he's the kind to miss every single hint that a person could make and assume they're just "good friends" and in Sir Pentious's defense it's not like Zestial actually told him they were dating, he just started treating Sir Pentious as his boyfriend and assumed he just knew because it was obvious they were dating

And I mean it was obvious, (although he still should've told him, kinda a dick move not to) Zestial would buy him nice gifts, take him on romantic dates, tell him how pretty and smart he is, and get much more......touchy than a friend would.

But to again defend Sir Pentious, he doesn't really have friends, so he just doesn't have a reference to what is a totally normal platonic level of affection and what is your overlord crush friend feeling you up in the back of a carriage because he thinks you're dating.

Also this gets funnier the longer this miscommunication goes on, like imagine this happening for decades. Zestial probably just thinks that Sir Pentious wants to take things really slow

This comes to a head when Sir Pentious moves into the hotel, (which Zestial is definitely NOT jealous of, it's not like he had hoped his boyfriend would move in with him, not at allllllll) and Zestial starts picking him up for their hangouts (dates), while Sir Pentious may not realize the other hotel residents absolutely do, especially Angel Dust he's really good at sniffing out sexual tension people who are a biiiiiiit to close to just be friends

i imagine it going something like:

Angel Dust: soooo,.. how long ya been with ol' tall dark n' scary? Sir Pentious: oh Zesssstial? I've known him for about 90 yearssss, why? Angel Dust: what's he like in bed?~ Sir Pentious: *offended British gasp* mussst you be ssso perverssse?! I've NEVER sssslept with Zessstial! Angel Dust: WOW I can't imagine datin' someone for that long an' not puttin' out Sir Pentious: *scoffs* I'm not dating Zessstial Angel Dust: what? yes ya are! ya don't hav ta hide ya relationships from me new guy Sir Pentious: well, I'm not hiding anything! Zessstial and I are sssimply clossse friendsss Angel Dust: no, you're not Penni, do you see how much he spends on ya? he bought ya a corset that cost more than I make in a year! nobody's spending that much on a dude they ain't trying to fuck Sir Pentious: do YOU see how much he makesss? that wasss hardly anything to him, we are jussst friendssss Angel Dust: suuuuuuure you're just friends, that's why he's always touchin' ya waist an' lookin' at you're ass Sir Pentious: *flustered snake noises* HE DOESSS NOT YOU PERVERT, *pinches the bridge of his nose(?) and sighs loudly* and I already told you, we.are.just.friendsssss Angel Dust: wow you're stupid, ya know that new guy?

Later Sir Pentious told Zestial about the conversation he had with Angel because it was ridiculous who would even think that they were dating? then Zestial informs him that HE thought they were dating as well.

Sir Pentious deals with the sudden realization that his long-term crush not only likes him back but thought they were already together and didn't tell him? after all, how was he supposed to know drunken make out sessions weren't a normal activity for besties? (sure, he didn't do that with his hotel friends, nor did he want to, but how was he supposed to knooooow)

While Zestial grapples with the horror that his long-term boyfriend didn't know that he was his long-term boyfriend, I mean it makes sense in retrospect but still he can't believe that he's in love with this idiot (it's like entirely Zestial's fault that Sir Pentious didn't know but shhhhhhh)

[pocketsizedowls]

Lan Xichen, libra extraordinaire, has never made a decision in his life.

He's been trained to, of course, but only in an official capacity. His uncle once told him to only make decisions after gathering sufficient information, and that has since become the most important rule in his life. This means he's great at mediating conflict, hosting banquets, and making executive decisions like which village gets more rice and what policies he should enact, but he never knows what to eat for dinner and what to do during his free time.

Lan Wangji, neurodivergent/autistic icon, is the complete opposite. He's a picky perfectionist with a strict daily routine, which no one ever interrupts because why should they? It's just Wangji being Wangji. And, in fact, everyone should strive to be like him. Perhaps if he grew up somewhere rowdier like Lotus Pier or the Unclean Realm then someone would finagle him into being spontaneous, but this is the Cloud Recesses. Of course nobody bothered him until Wei Wuxian came along and turned his world upside down.

Before Wei Wuxian, though, there was Lan Xichen. He stops by the Jingshi often, not because he is concerned for his antisocial little brother (well, maybe just a little), but because he gets so bored sometimes and he never knows what to do. Whenever Uncle is busy, little Xichen likes to find little Wangji and follow his routine with him. Can I join you as you meditate, he asks, and can I eat dinner with you? What do you suggest I do after lectures tomorrow? The other day I took your advice and made a painting, do you wanna see it? Can you pick a book out of this pile for me to read first? I can't seem to decide.

This is why Lan Xichen gets along so well with people. He goes along with things, lets people make decisions for him, and genuinely enjoys it. He earns the trust of the skeptical people without even trying to, just because he lets them pick which wine to order at the inn and what day they should go on a night hunt. You might think it's quite counterintuitive for an all-important sect leader to be this indecisive, but it worked out for the majority of his life. Just like how he chooses to believe in the good in people, people also believe in the good in him.

These days, though, Lan Xichen is reconsidering his behavior. As weeks turn into months turn into years, he stares out the windows of the Hanshi and wonders: Would everything turn out differently if he made more decisions based on instinct? Who can he even trust anymore? Would Nie Mingjue still be alive today, if he didn't force him and A-Yao to become sworn brothers? Would A-Yao still be alive today, if he listened to Wangji and Wei-gongzi's warning sooner? All the people who tell him he did nothing wrong must be lying. How can nothing be his fault?

Meanwhile, on the other side of the Cloud Recesses, Lan Wangji adds more items to his routine. With Lan Xichen in seclusion, he's busy now. He teaches and he nighthunts and he sits through meetings and he spends time with Wei Ying. He also visits his brother. He drops by the Hanshi every three days and says, can I join you as you meditate, and can I eat dinner with you? What do you suggest I do after lectures tomorrow? The other day I took your advice and wrote a new song, do you wanna hear it? Can you pick a book out of this pile for me to read first? I can't seem to decide.

[aquariet]

Nobody asked for it but I did it anyway

Have a nice post of me talking about every lyric in the song unsweetened lemonade and why it fits Icarus Morningstar. This was 100% inspirated by sage’s 18000+ word post analyzing the sherb playlist.

Since this is about a single song it lucky is only 952 words long.

What a lovely way to simply appear on tumblr again.

Now I’m gonna stop yapping.

I hope this is enjoyable.

“My eyes are made of acid”

The fact that one of Icarus’s eyes isn’t Normal. It’s constantly bleeding and thinking too much about specific things caused it to hurt.

“And my tongue is sharp with spite”

Icarus and manipulation. Their tongue being sharp with spite is cause they will say anything to get more people on their side. Both during the corruption arc and mid to end season 3.

“Attention whore with too much pride”

They want to believe what’s being told to them. By fable or in season 1 enderian. They wouldn’t listen to anyone that tried to tell them otherwise. Rea,Athena,Centross. Even the things.

“There's no one I wouldn't fight”

End season 3 and corruption arc. Icarus would fight anyone for the approval and attention of the gods.

“I don't like confrontation but”

He doesn’t want to have to kill people. But he does.

“I'm staring at the sun”

Them screaming at the sky in season one and Them screaming at the sky at quixis. Screaming at something that won’t talk back. That seems to only keep hurting them. (This is the last season 1 to season 3 comparison I swear)

“I won't quit until my eyes go red”

They need to stop quixis. No matter what.

“I'll finish what's begun”

Killing Hailey. They needed to do it publicly. So that everyone could see.

“I fucked the reaper cause I knew”

Prison duo after the cave. Icarus doing whatever they can to get centross back. Even if it’s a path straight down to hell.

“My time was coming can't you see”

The glitching in Icarus’s chest after the cave. It was gonna kill them and that was certain by the end of the finale.

“I'd do anything for twenty bucks”

Icarus would do anything for some sense of love. Specifically parental love. Obviously from fable. But also from enderian in the end reset. That’s their aunt. They don’t remember it. But it’s the only ‘real’ family Icarus knows.

“I'd sell my sour soul”

They would. Yea I have no real addiction to this lyric. Icarus literally almost died in the cave when fable tried to rip the glitching from their body. And yet they were grateful for it. They’d sell their live for their dad.

“Cause lemonade is bitter”

Young Icarus being like their dad. Hell. Icarus without the eye being very able to kill.

“Till you sweeten up the bowl”

The eye. The only reason Icarus didn’t kill more people. They wasn’t able to cause they weren’t 100% themselves. The piece of hardcore sherb keeping Icarus at bay.

“And I'm sitting in the bathroom”

Icarus being isolated. Far away from everyone.

“I'm crying citrus tears”

The wack. The reason they are isolated. They don’t want it to hurt others.

“Everything I used to love decayed over the years”

isla, momboo, centross. Icarus loved them. And had to loose them.

“It's hard to finish sentences I'll sell my pride instead”

They never had good reasons for the things they’re doing. And the things point that out. Quixis points it out. And what does Icarus do. They ignore it. They “sell their pride instead” cause if they admit they’re wrong they have to admit that all the bad they’ve done wasn’t for something good.

“Cause it's easier to focus I'm just the price above my head”

It’s easier to list to fable. To believe that they are nothing more than whatever he tells them to be.

“People think I'm pretty So I'll buy a hotel room.One bed trope without the tension”

fable gives them praise so they run away with him. Even though fable is almost never actually at the house. There is no tension cause they don’t spend enough time in the same space to have any.

“The child and her groom”

Icarus and Isla. The ‘good child’ and the ‘perfect wife’

“I didn't die at 12”

Icarus was supposed to die as a kid. Be dragged to the world port and done. However that didn’t happen. They kept living.

“I guess I'm here till 93”

By the time Icarus actually ‘dies’ they’re easily an adult. But before then Icarus is stuck in the same loop. Fall, forget, rescue fable, repeat.

“Enemies to lovers”

Icarus talking about fable. In the beginning he was the enemy. He was the bad guy. Then by season 2 he wasn’t anymore he was their dad.

“but you'll never own my heart”

Fable might be Icarus’s dad. But he never really makes any attempt to be a dad unless it benefits him and his needs. He’ll never own Icarus’s heart. Cause he’ll never try to.

“One sided it's pathetic”

Icarus does love fable though. He’s their dad. He gives them praise he believes in them. Or at least that’s what Icarus believes.

“How you think you're being smart”

Icarus thinking he can go to malici and just talk them into joining their side. His dads side. Without his dads help so that they can proof he’s worth it.

“Worthless parents make stupid kids”

Fable being an asshole dad directly affecting Icarus.

“The apple never strays”

Icarus ends up as a carbon copy of fable.

“Your conscience never compromised”

All the deaths being seen as okay cause they’re all gonna come back. They are gonna get them all back.

“And ego never pays”

Fable ended up too confident in themselves. Blabbing on and revealing everything in front of Icarus lead him to his death.

“I'd do anything for twenty bucks To feel more in control”

Icarus would do anything to stop the whack. Anything to make quixis do as they want. Anything to make sure things go as Icarus wants it to go.

If you can think of anything I missed (it’s probably a lot) don’t hesitate to let me know. I love to learn more little things about our favorite bird

[kiwioala]

all (or most) of the books cellbit got from the strange guard today! they're definitely not all in the correct order but i did the best i could

Hello Cellbit. You don't know me but I know you.

Exactly. And you've been an amazing asset to our organization. Every single task we've assigned you was completed in a perfect state.

I know. I've been the one writing those tasks. From the beginning.

(there was a book in between here that said something along the lines of "but i never mentioned an invitation to presentation A0")

Ha, ha, ha! I see! You're right, Max was there, but because I told him to go. And he made a mistake, he died. Thus, leading you to get the invitation.

Don't you hate it? When no matter what you do, everything just falls apart?

Cucurucho is the perfect employee. The ultimate tool of the federation. Nothing he ever does is wrong.

I need you to do something tomorrow. Of course, I don't expect you to do it for free. I'll give you something in exchange. Information, of course!

What do you know about project A0? [...] It's a bit vague, but yes. You're on the correct path.

We used to be a small team, you know? Ah yes, everything was so much better back then. But something went wrong and we all paid the consequences. [...] A0 was our way to make it right.

Tomorrow everything will make sense. It's an important day for Cucurucho. But I say, it won't.

We will sabotage it. You already know where the conference will be, every password is different, and there will be multiple entrances to the hall. No one will notice you're there.

But we can't do it alone. You'll need to bring multiple people with you.

They'll present something and you all will need to steal it.

They'll also talk about something interesting, I invite you to listen to every single word. Once the presentation is over, move and don't stop.

That doesn't matter. You probably won't see me around that much. I prefer my office, you know? But I've seen and lived too much not to take this perfect opportunity. Cucurucho shall fail tomorrow.

Cucurucho asking all of the questions from the beginning, and all these people disappearing. You need to be a fool to believe it was all a coincidence.

We don't know. That's why you need more people with you. There's multiple people working for the federation, it could be anyone.

Unfortunately, no. The top ranks never leave anything to chance. Everything is changed, removed or put in pace for a reason. Nobody knows what the place looks like.

You seem to know about our ranks, huh? There is an even more secret circle who have access to that information. They all talk about it within the system, I don't know more.

This system only allows not only allows us to send messages, but it has many secrets.

I'm not sure, but the system is old. We've been using it for years. There should be a way in.

You're looking for some eggs, right? Their whereabouts are still a mystery, but they might have some clues.

The main channel is restricted. You need a user and a password. But to get one is difficult.

You do? Mh, that's interesting. I want to ask where did you get it, but I won't. If someone shares their information, it's almost suicide. But let me see what I can do to get you in. (second page: "i'll send you more information in the following days")

Just like the federation, I change the location of my office everyday. It should be no issue.

Tomorrow, in the afternoon. Be ready. I will see you but you must not see me. Stay hidden.

Hahaha, if you want to open, it just open it.

It was. I told you. I've been keeping most of it. They are all copies, though.

Sounds like a plan. But you shall remember, the moment you signed it, you chose to live with the burden of working for the federation. So make sure no one sees you.

[the-resident-gay]

Nobody by The Crane Wives is an Icarus Morningstar song

Some of it is more of a stretch than others but it is, overall, an Icarus Morningstar song

She woke me up at dawn, soft-spoken as a spider Spinning webs of holy words while she was still asleep

Fable communicated with Icarus, begging them to release him, in every way possible, including through dreams if my memory serves me correctly Kill the moon beneath my window, pull the covers tighter And hear her voice go swinging like a hatchet through the trees

The things are with Icarus almost all the time. Especially towards the end of the SMP, they are often trying to be the voice of reason- and Icarus knows this, Icarus asks us, the things, why we can't just trust them. But on some level, they know what they're doing is wrong, we can see it on their face when they read the chat and process and feel the need to respond, to argue, to defend their actions. And there's something about that, about how they hear us and listen and still keep going with what they were doing anyway. Like they refuse to acknowledge their own reservations about their actions until someone else puts words to them.

There's a shadow at the back door Something's moving in the shade She lights cigarettes like lanterns For the darkness in my head

This is a bit of a reach but this is also about the things. The things, so loud about how Icarus shouldn't do what they're doing, shouldn't side with Fable, shouldn't run after Rae found out about Centross. They bring light to what Icarus is ignoring.

Nobody ever loved me, ever loved me Nobody ever loved me Like she tells me she does

And this is about Fable. This is about Fable manipulating Icarus from the beginning, taking advantage of Icarus' self-imposed isolation(they didn't talk to people unless asked to, Rae or Centross had to get them out of the house often), how after Centross died Fable said he'd bring him back. And Icarus listening to what he told them, only what he told them.

Tender as a bruise, sharper than a razor Wrap her tentacles around me like she'll never let me go

Fable needed to keep Icarus on his side. He would manipulate them as much as he needed to in order to keep his child on his side. But some part of Icarus knew Fable was and would continue doing more harm than good. Her fury shakes the rafters, but never in my favor I'm trembling in the eye of the only storm I've ever known

Fable wasn't exactly kind to Icarus. And I think that's putting it lightly. Icarus, whether they realized it or not, was at least a little afraid of Fable. They're also desperate for his attention, his praise, his *love*. And they didn't get it, did they? But they got his disappointment when they failed to follow through.

The keys are in the back door Something's wailing in my chest It eclipses every siren Any sins that she's confessed

Icarus could've left! They could've. They could've gone back to Rae. Ven left, and would have taken them with. Arisanna too. And they know this, they know that leaving was always an option in the back of their mind and that part of them was crying, screaming, begging to leave and would not stop.

Nobody ever loved me, ever loved me Nobody ever loved me So she tells me

The "So she tells me" carries so much. Who has loved Icarus the way Fable claims he does? Who has cared the way Fable claims? After Centross died Icarus was vulnerable and Fable preyed on that. So he tells them he will bring their friend, their best friend, back. Nobody ever loved me, ever loved me Nobody ever loved me Like she tells me she does

And Icarus agrees. Icarus believes. Icarus believes Fable, and considers nobody else.

I should be counting blessings Something is better than nothing Isn't it, isn't it, isn't it?

This is enough, for Icarus. This isolation, this cage Fable put them in, they put themselves in. Because they have something, right? This belief that when all is said and done, Centross will be brought back. Right? Right? They're lucky Fable cares, aren't they? It's close enough to perfect What does it hurt, a little bit? A little bit A little bit The glitching hurt. Missing Centross hurts. Being alone hurts. But it's okay. It's okay. They're making everything better, they're fixing everything. Who cares if it hurts?

Maybe they deserve to hurt

Nobody ever loved me, ever loved me Nobody ever loved me Like she loves me

This is Icarus' final acceptance. They know what they're doing is wrong but they're in too deep now. Nobody ever loved them like Fable does because Fable doesn't, thats the thing. But they're in too deep, they're too far gone, they are in their own mind beyond saving.

Nobody ever loved me, ever loved me Nobody ever loved me Like she tells me she does

But in the end, its fake. Fable always tells them, and nothing else. And they listen. They listen to what Fable tells them.

[ooo---hazelgrimm---ooo]

Sun and Moon

Alright the beginning is completely Billy's redemption because he deserved redemption not death. And honestly Max hurting in S4 killed me. So, Max gets her brother back. Eventually BH x Reader.

Neil goes to far and someone very unlikely fights back, Billy realizes his sister and Stepmother actually do love him. Unfortunately sometimes love hurts and you have to hurt the people you love to save them.

Also this does kind of bounce around for a bit between the present, past, and Billy and Max's childhood.

Beeaaa-Beeeeep!

"I'm coming!" Max shouted running out of the door, Billy came out behind her carrying his bag over his shoulder.

"Code Gray Code Gray." A large group of kids and young adults sat in the hospital waiting area.

"That's probably our angry little asshole." Steve muttered. El turned on him sharply, glaring.

"My sister! Where the fuck is my sister!" He fought against the security as they secured him to the bed with padded restraints.

"Someone get me some Oxazepam." The nurses and doctors were in full PPE. A nurse injected a small dose of tranquilizer into his IV line as he fought.

"Mr. Hargrove! You need to remain still. You were involved in a major fire, there are wounds and burns covering fifteen percent of your body. Your sister is fine."

"No no. You don't understand it wasn't a fire." He shook his head violently, "There was this monster, my little sister, she's in danger."

"That is the trauma and morphine talking." A doctor whispered quietly to Neil, Susan, and Max. They had his bed turned so they couldn't see anything but the top of Billy's blonde curls through the glass. All they could hear from the room was Billy's shouts. "He might say some very strange things." Billy threw his head back violently onto the pillow as the doctor started walking away.

"He's not going to get rest and his condition is only going to worsen." One of the nurses muttered.

"Fuck! Why is nobody listening to me?! Max needs help!" He called out.

"Give me a gown." Max demanded.

"Sweetie no he's badly burned you don't want to see-" Susan started.

"She said he won't get better, if he's freaking out like this he won't get better. Give me a gown, give me gloves, mask, whatever I need to be able to go in there with him. I'll keep him calm and the doctors can fix him." Max assured them, "I won't be scared."

Billy still looked like Billy to her. What the doctors mistook for burns were the wounds from the mindslayer, they probably just didn't believe what was in front of them and chalked it up to the most logical thing. By the time they had finally let her into the room the medicine they gave Billy had kicked in so now Max sat on a rickety shitty chair waiting for him to wake up again as she held his hand. Eventually she too fell asleep.

A strange feeling woke Max, before she realized someone was messing with her hair. She sat up quickly, Billy's eyes looked bloodshot and tired.

"Hey." She whispered quietly. Billy's eyes turned down, "Please look at me."

" I can't. Your face-" Billy's hands clenched at his side as he forced his head up. Those were Billy's eyes, that's how Max knew he was there.

Neil had left. Max's mom has wandered off to the waiting room to find some sleep.

"Billy that was the Mindflayer." He was looking away in the distance.

"That thing, it showed me horrible horrible things. And then when it took over completely…" Billy shook his head, "I turned into my father."

"Billy, that thing was using your body, I know you'd never hit me if it was really you."

"Not just then. Before, before the mindflayer. How I yelled at you and jerked you around, I turned into him." He swallowed, "I was just-"

"You were in pain. El, she saw into your mind she told me everything-" Billy paled.

"How much is everything?" Max swallowed.

"Your dad yelling at you for not being good at baseball, your parents fighting, your mom leaving. You beating up some kid up and calling him a pussy, meeting me."

"I swear to God Max, I did some shitty things because I'm a fucking dick. But most of it I was protecting you, I was trying to prepare you, give you a thicker skin because I wasn't going to be around forever. And I'll be damned if I have to bury another sibling." It was out before he could stop it.

"Another?" Billy shook his head. His voice echoed in her mind, much younger back in California.

'Stay away from the stairs you little punk. That's why there's a baby gate up, to keep babies like you away.' The house had a long wooden staircase that led into the backyard that they never used.

That tattered broken baby gate that was cracked and leaned up against the top of the stairs. The downstairs neighbors that would always seem uneasy when Neil would be alone with her and Billy. When she was little she thought Billy was just jealous that he didn't want his dad spending any alone time with her. Billy just didn't want Max to replace him, as a punching bag.

And why Billy seemed to relax when she went straight from the fight to his mother leaving. Something happened in between, something way worse than anything else. Max understood, but why didn't he just tell her, they could have faced this together.

"It's ok Billy. We don't have to talk about it." Max told him between tears she didn't know she was crying.

"What the fuck is going on? With Hawkins, with your little friend with superpowers?"

"We will tell you everything, but first you have to get out of the ICU."

"I don't want to get better." Billy said quietly.

"Don't talk like that. We're together now you got that? You're stuck with me and I'm stuck with you but I'm not going to let anything hurt you again. I'm going to protect you, like you've been protecting me. Billy I knew immediately that you weren't you when I saw you after the mind flayer got you. Yeah I was in denial at first, but do you want to know how I knew?"

"Because it called you my sister." Billy croaked.

"No. I have always been your sister. I could see it in your eyes. They weren't my brother's eyes, not entirely." Billy wrapped his arms around her as best as he could.

"You tell anyone I went soft on you-"

"You won't do anything, you love me." Max curled into him some.

They crowded into Billy's small room on one of the main floors.

"Hawkins. Bumfuck Hawkins Indiana is a hotspot for interdemntional fucking monsters and people with superpowers from a lab. And a bunch of kids have been fighting them off." Billy shook his head in disbelief. "So what do we do now?"

"I'm sorry 'we'?" Harrington asked.

"Nothing. We do nothing, the mind flayer is dead. We go back to normal and hope it stays that way." Max answered.

"Shit." Billy muttered.

Billy was still a dick most of the time, but not the same kind of dick he was before. Now that Max saw him a little clearer it became evident that he was trying before.

He had taught Max to drive. To ride a skateboard. Those were all things he had done in California. Neil was an asshole and her mom was always busy.

And though he had done those things in a roundabout dickish way he had done them without being asked without being told.

And those days that sent Max into panic, when Neil would come flying at Billy with fist and voices raised. Maybe Billy's slow steps back weren't cowarding, maybe they were leading Neil away. Leading him away from Max and her mom.

Now, Billy was very obviously intentionally doing things for her. Bonding with her.

A loud whistle would ring through Cherry Lane and Max would come running. At first Billy would have some excuse. 'Your running in the store and grabbing food.' 'I need you to get me a pack of Reds.' 'The new girl at the arcade is hot.' Then it became clear. He just wanted his little sister by his side.

Trees, houses, everything whizzed by. Max grabbed a hold of Billy's arm and held him tightly.

"I'm scared." She whispered to him, burrowing her head into his arm.

"I'm scared." The ocean was roaring in his ears, he was sitting next to his mom staring at the crashing waves, "It looks hard."

"You can do hard things." She promised him, "Now, up and at 'em. You are so strong and I believe in you." Somewhere in the back of his mind he could hear yelling.

"Your alright sweetie just sit back please and buckle up." Susan jittered nervously. Max shook her head holding on tighter to Billy's arm. He turned his arm over in her grip and laid a hand on her head, pressing her into his upper arm more in a strange hug.

"It's going to be okay."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Was muffled by his shoulder.

"We've still got Billy baby, he's not going anywhere." Susan promised Max.

"This one's got a pulse!" Max's heart stopped. Which one? A fire burned behind them, Starcourt Mall seconds from being reduced to ash, the pavement smelled like motor oil and mucky rain. The irony was suffocating, the last time she remembered this particular smell her and Billy were much younger in California. Racing to find Neil's truck in the parking lot of the carnival before Billy paid the price for Max insisting to play that stupid duck game over and over.

Billy sat on the ride home nursing a bruised wrist from how tightly Neil had yanked him into the truck. Max sat playing with her prize and Billy snatched it from her and tossed her new stuffed animal out the window.

He took his bike out the next morning and found it in a pile of mud, though he would never admit that he was the one who went and grabbed it off the side of the road.

"Mary mother of God." They were yanking on his bloody arm, pulling blonde curls out of the black bag.

"Someone grab me something with suction, anything, I need to clear his airway now!"

"Turn him over, turn him over!" Then that horrible retching that sounded like Billy was throwing his guts up but meant one thing, Billy was alive.

"He's breathing!!!"

Max sprinted across the parking lot as they pulled Billy from the body bag onto a stretcher.

"Pulse is dimming." The paramedic called out.

"Billy no!" Max had gasped, wrapping her arms around his, "Please don't go again." Max whimpered, "I need you."

"Pulse is stronger. Kid, keep talking." Max jumped in the ambulance with them and El followed.

"She's his sister too." Max lied.

It all started with dinner. Billy had heard raised voices, he turned off his radio.

"We'll pick it up then!" One of the cabinets slammed. Billy came out of his room, and headed into the kitchen. "You got a problem, son?" Neil asked when he saw him.

"No sir." Billy started grabbing silverware and cups for the table. Max was kneeled down cleaning up a plate. Billy sat everything on the counter and kneeled down to help her.

"Oh no." Neil scoffed, "Get your ass up. We're teaching the little princess responsibility."

Everything after that was a bit of a blur. Max said something Neil considered smart. Neil grabbed her. Billy shoved him off without thinking and Neil pinned him to the wall with an arm to his throat.

Billy couldn't breathe, this was finally it. His old man finally snapped to the point where he was going to kill him.

Everything was fuzzy around the edges, Billy tried to find somewhere to look. He didn't want the last thing on earth that he saw to be Neil's anger or the look of terrified horror on Max's face. There was a weird noise and Billy fell to the floor gasping. Max was beside him holding him and he slung an arm over her shoulder.

He had to get his feet under him, had to get up, had to get Max behind him, block her from Neil so he couldn't hurt her next.

"Oh my God is he dead?!" Max was asking. Billy's eyes finally focused on what was going on around him.

Susan was holding the frying pan, Neil was on the ground knocked out.

"Get your things, quickly." Susan was telling Max. And then his little sister and stepmother were gone from the kitchen. Billy forced himself to his feet leaning heavily on the counter. It could have been an hour or five minutes Billy wasn't sure. Susan came rushing back in, pulling a coffee can down from its hiding place in the cabinet. She took a wad of cash from it, stuffing it into her bag.

"Billy, sweetie." She was touching his arm and he pulled away from her a bit harshly. "It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you." She mistook his anger, "Max is grabbing you some clothes and your stuff for your hair. I already put your moms seashells in the car. Is there anything else important to you that we can't replace?" Billy looked confused. "Oh. Oh! I'm so sorry! He's your father, I shouldn't have assumed you would want to leave with Max and I. It's just- well Billy I know I'm not your mother but I care about you and I just can't stand him putting his hands on you any longer. We just almost lost you and I-I-" Susan got teary eyed as she stumbled over her words.

"You're taking me with you?"

"Of course." Susan choked, "Your my son- stepson- but-" Billy hugged her tightly.

"Plus I have a car." Susan didn't. After Billy's mom's escape Neil ensured that Susan would never be able to get her own car.

Susan was already in the car, Billy was behind Max.

"What are you doing Shitbird?" He asked as she stalled at the door. She was breathing heavily and suddenly she turned rushing past him. Billy followed after her as she rushed back into the kitchen. "Woah woah woah!" He yelled as she yanked a large butcher knife out of the knife block. She gave him a disbelieving look as she held the damn thing next to her like Micheal Myers. She cut the phone cord, shoving the phone down into the garbage disposal for good measure.

"I'm not going to kill him!"

Billy internally sighed in relief, "You did try and take a bat to my balls, after your little boyfriend kicked them." He followed after her as she went to the living room, cutting the cord to that phone as well. Max snatched Neil's keys off the hook, dropping the knife. The horn on the Camaro blew.

"I'm coming!" Max shouted running out of the door, Billy came out behind her carrying his bag over his shoulder. Billy threw some more stuff in the trunk and opened the driver door for Max. She put Neil's keys in his hand.

"Put all that stupid baseball he made you play to use." Max told him before ducking into the backseat. Billy breathed deeply, tossing the keys up into the air once before chunking them as hard as he could to the treeline. Billy always had been a great pitcher.

Billy pulled into the next gas station. Max was slumped on his arm funny and it couldn't be comfortable. Susan stirred immediately when the car stopped.

"You're okay." Billy promised. He turned in his seat to lay Max down in the back.

"How far have we gone?"

"Three hours, we just crossed into Michigan." He told her quietly. Susan rubbed Billy's forearm, for the first time she actually looked very sad.

"I need to make a call." She swallowed looking teary, "Billy I need you to take care of Max for me." Billy's hands tightened on the wheel.

"You can't abandon her."

"I'm not! But- he's going to come looking for me." She took a deep breath, "You know that and I know that. It doesn't matter if it's tonight or next week he's going to come looking for me. I can not put my kids in danger." She was right, he knew that deep down.

"Fine. Whatever helps you sleep at night. I've got Max, I'll take care of her."

"I knew you would."

Billy had smoked through his pack and bought another before the old Wagoneer and Mercedes pulled in. Billy watched as the Mercedes did a lap through the parking lot before idealing in the pullout. An older dark haired woman hopped out of the Wagoneer, pulling Susan into her arms.

"It's so good to see you again, San Diego feels like yesterday."

"Joanna." Susan sighed, hugging her back tightly. Billy sighed, reaching back to shake Max awake.

"Hmm?"

"You need to go talk to your mom."

"Why what's happening?!" She jumped into the front seat, looking out to where Susan was hugging Joanna.

"Max, listen. Whatever she tells you, act like it's fine, tell her you love her. Once you're back in the car and we are away you can scream, cry, kick. Whatever you need, but for now go tell Susan that everything is going to be ok." Max nodded solemnly and got out of the car. He watched, unable to do anything while Susan held Max tightly. He watched as his sister shrunk into herself and just nodded, she hugged her mom again tightly and the three women walked back to the Camaro. Susan put Max into the passenger side still saying a very tearful goodbye while Max told her that it was okay and everything was going to be ok. Joanna came to Billy's side of the car.

"Just follow my girl, y'all will be staying with her for a bit." She pointed to the Mercedes. Billy nodded and after Joanna pulled Susan away, he pulled in behind the black car.

"You ok?" Billy asked Max quietly as they pulled into the street. Max nodded.

"I'm fine." She unbuckled her seat belt. "Totally fine." Climbed into the back seat lying down. "Everything is great actually." Pulled one of the pillows over her face, "Amazing!" (Muffled) and then, she screamed and screamed holding the pillow tightly to her face. A while after the screaming stopped, Billy pulled the pillow away so she would smother herself. "I hate Neil."

"Me too." Billy agreed, "Who was that lady?"

"Joanna?"

"Yeah."

"She used to babysit me when I was younger, before you."

"Alright."

"Her and YN." They pulled in at a small yellow two story house.

"Whose YN?" Billy asked, just as the driver door to the Mercedes swung open.

"Her." Max nodded toward you as you stepped out of the car.

"Holy shit." Billy scoffed.

[cowgurrrl]

Hello! Would it be possible to get some rockstar!joel and actrees!reader proposal/wedding stuff? Absolutely in loveee with the story!!

Yesssss!! I’m so excited to write this!! Thank you for the request 🫶

I Want To Marry You

Pairing: rockstar!joel x actress!reader

Author’s note: Dedicated to everyone who ever loved me enough to try again. Let’s get coffee sometime.

Summary: Joel asks you The Question [3.3k]

Warnings: mentions of anxiety, family fluff, things coming full circle, oh god I love them

Joel's been acting weird the past few days. You're not in a fight. You're between projects right now, and he's always plunking music in the home studio. Everybody's healthy and happy. You can't pinpoint exactly why he's being jumpy or disappearing into the garage to take phone calls, but you trust him to tell you if something's happening. Still, it throws you off.

When you tell Carolina about it, she reassures you it's probably nothing. "Maybe he's going to surprise you with a romantic getaway or something like that." She suggests, and you laugh as you fiddle with Daisy's collar. She also seemed to sense the shift in the house because she's gotten especially clingy recently. 

"You have kids. You know how hard it is to get away." You say, shaking your head. 

"Yeah, but my kids are seven and three. Not seventeen and twenty-one." 

"Still! Ellie's in school, and even though Sarah has her own apartment now, I don't like going super far in case she needs one of us. That's why we stagger our schedules like we do." 

"Did your mom worry about you this much when you were twenty-one?" She asks. You laugh because she knows the answer. She knew what you were like in your early twenties, and somebody definitely should've been worrying about you.

"My mom didn't even know what borough I lived in at twenty-one." You say. "It's not a bad thing to want to be close. Do you remember when I dropped a plate and cut my foot open on the broken glass and had to take a cab to the hospital?"

"God, don't remind me." She shudders. Carolina had come home to find your tiny apartment in Hell's Kitchen empty and covered in blood. For exactly twenty seconds, she believed you'd be axe-murdered and dragged away by the killer until you called her and told her what happened, resulting in a ten-minute-long conversation about how many people in Manhattan realistically own axes. 

"All I'm saying is I don't want Sarah to be bleeding out in the back of a stranger's car if Joel or I can be there instead."

"You worry too much." She says. "But, then again, all the best moms do."

"Not their mom." You say quickly as if she’d thrown you a ticking bomb and you’re trying to pass it right back to her.

"Yeah, but you're the closest thing they have to one."

"That's true, but I don't want to put that kind of pressure on the girls. They shouldn't have to call me anything they don't want to, and I'm not going to replace their moms."

"Of course not, honey, and nobody would accuse you of doing that, but you'd be lying to yourself if you said you didn't love those girls like they're your own."

"I know." You sigh. "I just worry."

"I know you do." She says. Carolina has been there for all your worrying over the years. Worrying about how you were gonna pay rent, when your next job would come in, and whatever stupid boy you were seeing at the moment. She knows how to calm you down and take your mind off things. "Why don't you get out of the little worry hole you've dug yourself into and come with me and the girls to get our nails done? It'll be fun, and you'll get to hang out with your goddaughters." 

"When?"

"Tomorrow?" She says, and you mentally flip through your calendar. 

"I think I can do tomorrow. Send me a time and place, and I'll be there." You say as the front door opens and closes. You furrow your brows and walk to the top of the stairs to see what's happening. A smiley face greets you with a wave, and you hurriedly hang up on Carolina.

"Sarah! What are you doing here, bug?" You ask as you rush down the stairs to hug her. Joel beams as he watches you embrace her for several long seconds, not pulling away until she does.

"Just missed y'all." She mumbles into your shoulder, and you kiss her temple. She's twenty minutes up the road, but it feels like a lifetime away. 

"Sarah!" Ellie yells and joins in on your hug without hesitation. The three of you dissolve into a fit of giggles, and Joel just stands there, watching the madness unfold. Joel has never been good at hiding his emotions, and you've always been good at reading him like a book. The look he gives you and the girls is full of love and pride and something deeper, something more meaningful. You raise an arm to pull him into the group hug, and he pretends to be annoyed, but he snuggles in with the three of you, kissing each of your foreheads. 

You spend the night making dinner and chocolate chip cookies with the girls and Joel (and Daisy ever so graciously cleaning up the remnants of a food fight Joel started) before curling up on the couch with them and watching a movie. It's just like every other time you've sat and watched whatever movie the girls have been dying to see, but as you rest against Joel's chest, something pricks in your brain. This feels different. He feels different. His hands run a nervous course from your shoulder to your wrist, and his head occasionally dips to kiss at the juncture of your neck. It's like he can't sit still. 

"You okay?" You whisper, glancing at him. He gives you a confused look but nods anyway.

"Why wouldn't I be?" 

"I don't know. I'm probably just anxious for no reason." You shrug. He pulls you close and kisses your temple, keeping you close as the movie continues. At the end of the night, Joel carries both the girls to bed even though he's forty-three and could've let them sleep on the couch. You didn't tell him this, of course, because who are you to pull him back from Dad Mode? So, you cautiously walk in front of him, kicking stray clothes or backpacks out of the way so he doesn't trip. Once Sarah and Ellie are safely tucked into bed, Joel scoops you up by your waist and throws you over his shoulder to carry you into your shared bedroom. 

You laugh the whole way in, and when he plops you down on the bed, you wrap your legs around his waist and keep him close. Your fingers reach up to tug the necklace out from under his shirt collar and play with the pendant as he stares at you.

"What're you thinking about?" You ask.

"Thinking bout us." He says, and you raise your eyebrows at him.

"Oh, do tell."

"We've been together a long time." 

"Sick of me already?" You ask, making him laugh, but he shakes his head and kisses you, traces of chocolate and cinnamon lingering on his lips. 

"Never." He says. "I was just thinkin' bout it." Technically, it's true. You guys have been together for a while. This year, it'll almost be four years since you walked into that office in Beverly Hills and met him. You remember thinking you would finish out the contract and never see him again. Little did you know Joel Miller would become the man making you dinner most nights and carrying you off to bed. Or that he'd throw you the best thirtieth birthday party in the history of birthday parties. Or that you'd move in with him and his daughters. Or that you'd love him more than you've ever loved anyone. 

"It's weird to think I went so long without knowing you." You mumble, your hold on him tightening like you're scared he'll fade away if you don't cling to him. He rests his forehead against yours, sensing your anxiety spiking, and you're overwhelmed by him. Your legs are still locked around his waist, and your chests are touching, the points of contact sending little butterflies fluttering through your veins. You can't see, taste, feel, or smell anything that isn't Joel.

"'M not goin' anywhere." He says, and you nod. "Ever."

"I'm gonna hold you to that, Miller." You joke, trying to ease your brain out of your spiraling and lighten the air between you two. He laughs, and the room brightens as he does. 

"Do your worst, darlin'." 

When you wake up the next morning, Joel isn't there. You reach for him and find a piece of paper on his cold pillow. How long has he been gone? How the fuck did you sleep through him rolling out of your arms? You squint in the early morning sun as you read the note.

You sigh and grumble into your pillow. What kind of psychopath runs errands at nine in the morning? The kind of psychopath you love, that's who. You lay in the too-big bed for a few more minutes before finally getting up and checking your phone. Carolina has texted you with the address of a nail salon and told you to meet her at eleven, but other than that, your phone is radio silent. Not that you're complaining, but normally you're bombarded with notifications from when you wake up to when you go to bed. It's nice, if not a little unnerving, to not have five million people to respond to the first thing in the morning.

When you walk downstairs, you expect to see Sarah and Ellie sitting at the table and eating, but no one's there. You call for the girls, but the only person who responds is Daisy, who dances in front of you. You crouch down to pet her and give her good morning kisses. "Just us today, huh?" You ask, a little sad, but nobody is more excited about one-on-one time quite like Daisy Mae. You give Daisy breakfast before letting her run around the backyard and making yourself something to eat.

You scroll aimlessly through your phone until it's time to leave and meet Carolina and the girls at the nail salon. Elizabeth and Victoria launch themselves at you the second they catch sight of you, and you spend the better half of your appointment with a child on your lap and listening to the latest drama from Elizabeth's first-grade classroom. You have the girls help pick out what color to paint your nails, and they each land on a pretty ballet slipper pink. "Good taste, guys," you praise as you show the nail technician what color you want. "Just like your mama, huh?"

"I mean, I wasn't gonna say it," Carolina says, and you laugh. Caro, like usual, is right about needing to take some time for yourself to stop worrying. You can actually relax in the big, plush chairs and talk to the girls like nothing could be more important than what they had for breakfast. Carolina hugs you tighter than normal at the end of your appointment and says she'll see you later before ushering the girls into their car seats. You barely have time to react before she's driving away like nothing happened. 

Did you make plans with her and forget about them? It's happened before, so you wouldn't be overly surprised if it happened again. But if that's the case, why didn't she say anything? You shake your head as if it'll shake out all your racing thoughts and get in your car to drive home. When you pull into the driveway, everyone's cars are back where they belong, and you selfishly get really excited about seeing them. Except, the exact second you step through the door, Joel is putting Daisy's harness on her and has his running shoes on.

"Where are you going?" You ask, your mood dropping at seeing him ready to leave again. He looks up and smiles despite the pout on your lips.

"There you are! We were waiting on you so we could take Daisy for a walk." He says, breathless as he wrestles with your pitbull. You look past Joel and see Sarah and Ellie standing there with shoes and sunglasses on. 

"We really need four people for a dog walk?" 

"I wanted to show the girls the new route along the beach we found." He says. "Is that okay?" You nod.

"We just might look crazy, but, of course! Let me change my shoes!" You call as you take the stairs two at a time to get up to your bedroom. You decide to wear the pink tennis shoes to match your cute pink nails before ambling back downstairs and walking out the door. When you first rescued Daisy, she didn't let anyone but you hold her leash. However, after years spent with Joel and the girls, she can be walked by just about anyone as long as you're there. She's as much of your comfort dog as you are her comfort person.

Taking your hand in his, Joel walks Daisy with the other and swings your hands through the air as Sarah and Ellie walk behind you. It's a little silly, but you'll take all the affection after waking up without anyone else in the house. Slowly, the five of you make your way toward the sound of the crashing waves and the smell of salt in the air. The cliffs hang ominously above the empty beach and boardwalks, but you love it. You once told Joel when you walk out this far, it feels like you're the only person around. Something about being near the water makes you feel even better. A pop of color near the sidewalk catches your attention, and you break off from your little ragtag group to see what it is.

"Joel, come look at this." You say, leaning over the rope to look down at the wildflowers dancing on the cliffside. It's gorgeous, and the wind perfectly balances the blistering hot day, but he doesn't immediately appear at your side like he normally would. You furrow your brows and turn to see him down on one knee with a ring in his hand. Your breath catches in your throat, and you immediately cover your mouth with your hand. Joel smiles with watery eyes as he reaches for the other and pulls you close to him. 

"Did you know about this?" You look past Joel to see Ellie and Sarah standing there, Daisy's leash wrapped around Ellie's wrist as Sarah records on her phone, and they laugh. Their smiles and teary eyes are all the confirmation you need, and you look back down at Joel. "Is this why you've been acting so weird?" You ask, and he laughs.

"Yeah, this is why I've been actin' so weird," he says. His Adam's apple bobs as he says your name and your legs shake under you. "I love you, and I fall more in love with you every single day. There's not a single moment I've spent with you where I've not wondered what the fuck you see in me." He's crying now, but you can't stop the laughter from bubbling out from your chest. He squeezes your hand and takes a deep breath before continuing. "And you don't just love me, but you love my girls. You make them feel safe and cared for. You've given them somethin' I've been tryin' and failin' to give them for years, and I will spend the rest of my days tryna repay you for that."  

"Will you marry me?" He finally asks, and you sniffle. Tears stain everyone's face, and even Daisy is crying next to Ellie, and you'd laugh if you could see past the tears in your eyes. You nod and drop to your knees with Joel.

"Yes." You say as you grab his face and kiss him. "Yes. Yes. Yes. Of course, I'll marry you." You repeat over and over again as his arms lock around your waist. Sarah and Ellie cheer, suddenly no longer annoyed at your PDA, and you smile against Joel's lips. He adjusts his hold on you to give you a good look at the ring for the first time, and all your breath leaves you in a huff. It's gorgeous. A simple oval-shaped diamond on a gold band with an engraving on the inside. 

"What does this say?" You ask, and he smiles as he holds it so you can read it. You immediately start crying when you read and realize what it means. He wrote inside your engagement ring, "And one day, we'll get coffee & try again." You said it to him before you left for Ireland when your heart was broken, and you didn't know the future could ever be this soft. He slips it onto your left ring finger and gathers you in his arms, both of you still on the ground and crying like crazy people. You don't care. You hold him so tight you almost miss him whispering into your skin.

"Thank you for trying again with me." He says. Ellie, Sarah, and Daisy join in on your crying in the middle of the sidewalk huddle, and you're completely surrounded by love. After a few minutes, you calm down enough to stand and kiss Joel again, making people cheer from the beach below. When you look over the rope, down to where the wildflowers are, you can see a group of your favorite people on the beach. They must've been hidden until Joel could propose, and now they're all making their joy well known with hoots and hollers. 

Joel holds your hand as the girls lead the way down to the beach, where there's a makeshift bar and picnic set up with a giant banner reading "CONGRATULATIONS" with a little ring in the middle. "This is what the errands were this morning," Joel tells you quietly, and you smile. 

"You're pretty good at keeping secrets, Miller."

"Not really. Everyone here knew I was proposing before you did," he says, and you laugh. "Besides, I'd watch it with the Miller thing considering you're becomin' one." 

"I guess that's true." You sigh happily as Ryan ambushes you, picking you up in his arms and spinning you around. You squeal until he puts you back down and immediately demands to see your ring. Carolina comes up behind him as you show him, her eyes popping out of her head at the sight.

"Damn, Joel!" She exclaims, and Joel laughs. 

"Only the best for my bride." He says. My bride. It rings in your head like a bell, echoing through your mind like gospel. You look around at the faces of everyone you've ever loved. Your manager, Sierra, and her partner, Bianca, are talking with Lili and Peter. Sarah and Ellie are running up and down the beach with Daisy, Elizabeth, and Victoria, struggling to keep up. Hank and Lucia patiently wait their turn at the bar next to Tommy and Maria. Your beauty team, Alexa and Jenna, laugh together as they talk to a handful of other costars they've also worked with. The beach is crawling with family, both of origin and found, and you wouldn't want it any other way. 

As you make your rounds with Joel on your arm, showing off your ring and trying not to cry as people tell you how happy they are for you, you wish you could show your past self this moment. The girl who packed up all her shit and moved across the world after breaking up with the love of her life. The girl who spent countless nights crying herself to sleep and going to therapy and trying to create a better life for herself. The girl who almost backed out of a coffee date three years ago because she was so scared the man on the other side of the table wouldn't like what he found. You wish she could see this and know she did the right thing. You wish she knew things ended up okay. You wish she knew she got to try again, and it changed her entire life. Wherever she is, you hope she knows she did good.

"What're you thinkin' bout?" Joel whispers in your ear as he hands you a glass of champagne. You smile and shake your head.

"Just… someone I used to know."