#also i am really tired of ppl placing the blame on one person

[youkaiyume]

Alright, so I've been a fan of Shane, Ryan and even Steven since their buzzfeed days and I've been watching this whole thing with Watcher moving their content over to their own streaming service debacle.

Like most ppl, I think it's a poor business move to alienate your fans like this, but I've been thinking on it more from maybe a financial perspective. I'm wondering how many people actually signed up for it. I saw a tiktok advertising expert say that the conversion rate for ads--meaning the number of ppl to actually buy something when they see an ad is about 1-5%. Like, right now they have about 2.8 million subscribers. And even though they've lost about 50K since and counting, they probably anticipated some loss. I'm sure they've mathed that if they just get at least like 100K conservatively out of their nearly 3 million fanbase to sign up, they'd be able to make $600K a month from their streaming service at six bucks a pop each month.

Maybe that's worth it? I'm not exactly sure how much they were making before. Ppl say they had 11K subscribers on patreon before but that's just their member total. Actual paid members was about 5K. But despite the controversy, their patreon member count has actually gone up. Today it sits at 12K members total with nearly 6K members paying. So they're making at least $30K-70K+ a month currently on patreon based on their offered tiers. not sure how much they were making on ad revenue alone or sponsors cuz I'm not sure how that stuff works on youtube. But maybe by their own accounting they think the loss of followers was worth it if they can hang on to that small, loyal but paying minority.

Another youtuber has pointed out that if you have a sponsor for a video and it's a one off, it can pay more. Up to $35K. So if that is the peak and they release 1 video a week, so 4 a month would be like 140K a month on sponsor money. And youtube pays about $10 per 1000 views a video, and they average 1 mil each video. So about $40K a month on views. So we can guess that they made about $180K a month currently on youtube (patreon and merch sales not included).

Honestly, if they can reach the goal of 1-5% of their subscribers converting to their streaming platform, yeah they probably would make more money in the long run. IF they can somehow manage to retain as well as grow those number of subscribers on their new platform. And don't forget, they don't plan to delete their current videos on their youtube channel so they'll still be earning revenue from those videos. We'll have to see I guess given how much goodwill they've lost with their audience.

Tbh, I am all for them trying to get paid more for their work but I also think they could have transitioned much differently, like only putting some exclusive content on their own platform while also posting free shows to youtube. Or maybe delaying releases for a week or a month for youtubers. or cutting back your production costs if it's really killing you cuz everyone has pointed out they liked the ghoul boys when it was just a black screen with text scrolling by saying "wheeze." Only time will tell if this move paid off for them.

But I'm not super knowledgeable on how the entire youtube thing works so if someone has some insight, feel free to weigh in.

[binders-and-beanies]

Mental health updates under the cut I guess (tldr I’m still not ok but am taking steps to keep myself safe or whatever)

Told my supervisor I’m in crisis and he was super understanding n supportive n whatnot. We both are trans and have mental health issues and work in an lgbt center so one would hope it’s safe to be honest abt that kind of thing but it was a relief bc it also opened up a conversation abt scheduling moving forward n me having like 2 or 3 days off a week as opposed to the current 1 or 0. Esp since higher ups want me to work less anyways im like that’s totally fine bc i have a million things to do outside of work all the time.

Other thing I did was cancel a workshop I was gonna lead next week and it was a really hard decision. I would have been proud afterwards and I’m worried abt having regrets but I’ve done the same workshop before so it’s off the bucket list or whatev. Person in charge of that was also super supportive for similar reasons as above. It doesn’t solve the problem of there always being too many things stressing me out, and I don’t wanna set a precedent that I can just not do my responsibilities, but it eases a big part of the stress this month specifically.

Ppl in my life are saying they’re proud of me for setting that boundary and it’s weird to be praised for bailing on smth when I’m also feeling big guilty abt it but I gotta remind myself that being flakey is absolutely normalized in society and if ur average person can do so on the regular then I’m allowed to take One step back once it’s gotten to the point where my safety is questionable. I’d like to get to a point where things don’t get that serious in the first place but I’ve also never rly appreciated feeling blamed for being in this kind of position when the kind of things I’m busy with are mostly 1) things that are required for survival and 2) things that make it feel worth surviving. As if this is smth i do to myself bc i just <3 capitalism or smth

Im stressin tho bc as mentioned earlier my job is at risk for unrelated reasons which also means a lot of other things are at risk. This is happening at the same time I’ve just lost my insurance and have my biggest ever college bill to pay. And now I don’t know where I’ll be living or what that will mean for my finances either. It would also mean it takes even longer to qualify for any kind of credit, and therefore an apartment.

Even if nothing happens and I just keep working here for another year as planned it’s like can I not get JUMPSCARED w my livelihood being threatened like there’s literally always at least one Huge actual life or death problem as well as many other less catastrophic but extremely stressful things to deal w. I’m tired of living like that w no relief and I hate that the best case scenario is this fear ends up being for nothing. I hate that I’m thinking abt what I’ll do in x y or z scenario for this summer and my masters if this falls through, instead of enjoying the relief of one less thing on my plate.

I hate that this is how I’m doing the day after my birthday. I had a fun birthday weekend and am grateful for the people I spent it with and the places I went but it didn’t feel like genuine celebration it felt forced, like I was doing it because I Have to have a good birthday. Bc if one of the most important days of the year isn’t joyful then where’s the hope of any other days getting better. I did enjoy it I just couldn’t Feel the enjoyment bc I’m so stressed and I had major breakdowns before and after my bday. It sets a bad tone regarding aging and I want to celebrate progress but it’s hard when the future is more terrifying every year.

I feel like even if all my problems were magically solved, my ability to feel joy is permanently altered and it’s hard to imagine feeling anything more positive than just like, relief and rest. Idk I say all that to say I’m proud of myself for taking steps to make life more livable just like I’ve always done but it also feels kinda hopeless like nothing I do matters if it’s gonna be constant stress regardless

[golbrocklovely]

How was the show? I'm hoping to live vicariously!

it was a lot of fun, but also kinda sad.

this became so long, my apologies omg

for your viewing pleasure, here's one of the pics i took last night:

so first off, my mom had to be in a wheelchair which is no problem for me. we got there really early and had time to get a decent parking spot. got her up to our seats and they were NOICE. they were on the club level which i didn't know what that meant at the time until we got there. all i know is that i wanted seats where a handicapped person could be in and that's what i got (bc i got presale for the jonas brothers so i was able to get tickets before the public).

the show starts, the opener was a band called lawarence. they were really good. i didn't know who they were but they were a lot of fun and the main girl singer was fantastic. also... darren criss was there too????? he was the special guest with the opener and it was very confusing but a lot of fun and they sung a cover of it's gonna be me. and as a starkid and glee fan, it was so fun to see him omg.

then we had to wait like 20 mins for the jonas brothers to come out. ppl were filing in, the place was packed. this lovely person in my section gave me and mom friendship bracelets, it was adorable.

the lights dim, the show begins. and for almost three hours straight i screamed. i am very surprised i have my entire voice still. must be from all the years of being a jonas brothers fans mixed with listening to emo music lol i guess i just know how to scream without fucking up my vocal chords.

they sung songs that i never even got to see live which was awesome. i got to hear some of my favorites, and some i got to rehear some from when i saw them years ago back in 2009. they are basically doing their own version of an eras tour. and i genuinely mean this, they sung every song (minus a very small few) from five albums. insane.

so to get to the sad part.

if you don't know all the drama that is occurring with joe jonas and his soon to be ex wife sophie turner, i do a bit of break down in this previous ask. the thing is, joe has a song dedicated to his wife from the previous album that they sing every night. at this point i WISH they would just cut the song from the setlist and do literally anything else. bc joe looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there last night. and i dont blame him. he still had some energy, but it was the kinda of energy that screamed yeah, i love my job *rolls eyes* you know? a little melancholic but also dry.

that's not to make him sound like an asshole, he just seemed tired. and i get it and don't fault him for it. bc the vocals were still very much there. and philly brought the fucking LOVE last night. it was so loud at times i thought i was gonna pop an eardrum.

also the thing that made it sad is that, i love the jonas brothers and have always said that they KNOW how to write a damn good love song. i know for sure one of their songs will be my wedding song. but they also know how to punch you in the stomach with a break up song. so some of their old music, being sung now, was kinda ironic in the worse way last night. and i just felt really bad for joe.

other than that, i had fun. everyone at the arena was super nice to me and my mom which hasn't always been the case with her in a wheelchair so 10/10 for that. traffic was a literal fucking nightmare, but i expect nothing less from philly. and we got to drive past my grandparents' old house in south philly for a moment on the way home, so that was kinda sweet.

i would say my favorite songs from the night were walls, take a breath, and strangers. cake by the ocean was also fun bc of all the confetti. all of them looked super hot which is not surprising. even tho i am a nick girl at heart, i was a joe girl for the night bc i just felt for him the whole time. i would give it a solid 7.5/10 for the experience overall. but like a 8.5/10 for the concert alone.

[violentviolette]

for romantic relationships for me the two biggest things were learning how to identify the insecurity driving the rejected feelings and then find healthier ways to soothe that, and making sure i surround myself with constant tangible reminders of my partners actual feelings about me that i can pull up when i need to

so with the first one, usually with perceived rejection, i'm not actually reacting to their actual thoughts or feelings or actions, im reacting to my own internalized insecurity that i'm then projecting onto them. something like, i am afraid i am fundimentally unlovable, so i project rejection onto the ppl who say they love me in order to "prove" that insecurity right. breaking feelings down like that in the moment helps me to seperate my feelings and incorrect assesements of the situation from their actual behavior and then makes them easier to talk down. of course im reading negativity into all of their motives if im purposefully looking for it. this also then helps me redirect my train of thought. things like "i can find anything if i look for it. how much love will i find if i look for that instead of rejection? how many times have they said they loved and cared for me, how many times have they done kind things for me, made me smile, took time out of their day to send me a meme or casually include me in their life" ect ect which then brings us to the tangible reminders. when im feeling really negative it can be hard to remember the positve things, so it helps to have actual reminders. i screenshot absolutely everything that makes me smile that the ppl i love say to me, i take lots of pics when we hang out, ect and keep them in little folders to reread on bad days. it's hard to still feel like someone hates u when uve got a folder full of 700 screenshots of them saying nice things about u, finding u funny, and just overall making u happy.

it can also be helpful to learn to ask for reassurance without assuming ill intent or placing blame. things like instead of saying "i feel like ur mad at me" or "u dont love me anymore" or things like that, saying "im feelings really insecure today, can u give me some extra love?" "ive been having a lot of anxiety about our relationship lately and how u feel about me, can we talk about it and can u reassure me u still like me and want me around?" and things like that. these statements center ur feelings while not assuming anything about the other person or putting unnecessary blame on them or making them feel like they're doing something wrong when they arent.

it also helps to really remind myself that it is okay for things to not be okay. that in a healthy relationship, my partner can feel negative things about me in the moment, find me annoying, be too tired to want my company, can prefer to be alone, or even be upset at me, without that fundimentally changing how they view me and making them hate me. non-abusive peoples emotions are not so fickle as to be completely changed by a moment of irritation. negative emotions are an inevitable and healthy part of life, they will always happen no matter what sometimes. so if im kind of annoying one day, that is okay. if someone actually loves me, they will love me even when im annoying. they will not suddenly hate me because i said something cringe or stuck my foot in my mouth. because loving people in real and healthy ways means acknowleging the reality that negative feelings will happen sometimes, and thats okay and normal and healthy. how we deal with those negative feelings and how we handle those situations is far more important than the negative emotion itself

does anyone with npd/rsd have any tips for better handling perceived rejection? i end up turning into this sobbing mess & cant seem to find any coping mechanisms & googles no help

[omiscurls]

hi! (this request is heavily inspired by a kdrama i just watched called sweet home lmao) could i request a childe x gn reader fic where childe and the reader r both severely injured and the reader had to kill someone for self defense and as theyre running away the reader feeling super guilty is like “i’m so terrible i killed someone” and childe is trying to comfort them and they find a place to rest while being both on the verge of death and the reader is like “i killed someone, i’m so scared that it’ll be my last memory”and the childe is like “try to forget abt it it’s ok” and the reader is like “u don’t think abt either too” (yk implying like oh don’t think abt the ppl you’ve killed before childe, bc im assuming he’s killed a lot of ppl) and he’s like ok with a sad smile and they die together in each other’s arms holding hands?)/?:))2 help this is wayyy to detailed i’m sry but if u want the reference scene it’s from this video , they show the specific scene in time stamps 0:57-2:56 again i’m so sorry if this is too detailed or if u don’t wanna write it!!! tysm <3

memory

a/n oh my god that is just my kind of angst, thanks for the request and i hope you'll enjoy!!

prompt: honestly? dying with tartaglia (that sounds like a creepy tv show's title and i'm proud of it)

contains: tartaglia

warnings: angst, death, blood, major character death, self-blame, murder, more blood, really a lot of dying and bleeding, please do not proceed if you're not comfortable with the topics

adrenaline was probably the last string that had your body moving and functioning in any way. the blood in your veins made you deaf, only capable of noticing the sounds of it pumping behind your ears, head pulsing like a bomb about to explode.

your whole body shook, and you felt a metallic taste on your tongue, covering your mouth with your hand to prevent throwing up, which you predicted would happen in a matter of seconds.

"hey!" you finally heard childe yell, sounding distant even still, when you lifted your gaze away from the body before you and noticed he was standing fairly close. "come on, move, or his buddies" he said pointing to the lifeless man beneath you "might just come to get revenge"

with that he took your arm by the waist and pulled you along with him.

you stumbled over your own feet, and almost fell down every couple of minutes. your lungs started to burn after mere seconds, and you couldn't even find breath to tell him to slow down. you also knew he couldn't, having better self-preservation instincts than you, he understood the situation you two were in better.

fuck.

you looked behind you, to the spot where blood painted the grass red under a pile of dead bodies, some of your allies, some of your foes, but from this kind of distance, you couldn't even make out which one was which. your gaze fell down to your hands, covered in sticky redness as well.

you just killed somebody.

it wasn't even the consequences that frightened you, it was the sheer act of life leaving his eyes before he fell down, of his pupils staring at you in one last beg for mercy before freezing like that for the eternity ahead, for how his body seemed to have gained weight in a matter of seconds, almost pulling you down with him. the ringing in your head got more intense as you choked on a strained sob.

"they're dead" you breathed out, making your partner laugh sarcastically.

"good guess" he answered, his grip on your arm loosening as the both of you climbed up a hill.

"no, you don't understand, they're- dead dead! i- i didn't think i-" you stumbled over your words, panic settling in your eyes as you tried to comprehend the situation.

"what, you didn't think that if you pierce a person through with a blade they're gonna die?" he asked rhetorically, back almost slamming against a tree, sliding down to the ground with a breath of relief. "fuck, looks like i got pierced, too" he noticed, looking down onto his side, the grey material of his uniform getting dark and sticky. he hissed, trying to lift it up, and gave up on his attempts, instead opting to look at you.

you didn't sit down, but kept staring forward with the most frightened expression he had ever seen you wear. eyes wide open as you searched for answers in thin air, hands shaking, moving up to cover your mouth.

“hey” he whispered way gentler than before, urging you to sit down in front of him “it’s okay, it was only self-defense. you did kill them, but you didn’t murder them or anything, it was kill or be killed”

his words held so much confidence in what he was saying, you almost felt comforted. he really did master the art of bending the truth to his liking, didn’t he?

“i did it, what if he was someone’s father, or brother, or whoever else, what if i just destroyed someone’s world? he was a human being just as much as i am, i had no right-“ you started relapsing into panic, hands gripping on your hair, head moving down to hide between your legs.

only then did tartaglia notice the huge wound right across the back of your thigh, and several others. fuck, he instantly thought, whoever did it knew what he was doing, cut you in a very specific place, with intent to kill.

he couldn’t even fight back the wave of anger coming crushing at him, but bit his lip instead of saying anything. there was no way the both of you could get to a safe place in time.

he used to be so passionate about continuing to live, normally he would’ve just throw you over his shoulder and run, until his legs gave out, but now, he didn’t even have the energy to stand up. he barely could move his hand, and the more he tried to fight it, the more tired he became.

the feeling of helplessness was eating him alive, both from not having any way of providing you safety, and for not protecting you earlier, not to mention how he couldn’t find the right words to say to you now.

“listen” he started carefully, waiting for you to stop sobbing. “it’s painful, killing someone. it leaves a hole inside you that you don’t know how to cover. it makes your thoughts twist and fight back against you, it makes you want to leave your own head for how bad you feel. it sucks, believe me, i know. you didn’t deserve to have to feel this shitty. i’m- i’m sorry. for not shielding you well enough.” he said bluntly, not a hint of comfort or the usual beating around the bush that he used every time he intended to coax you. just pure, brutal truth. for once.

“it’s okay” you mumbled quietly. your head felt heavy on your shoulders, and you felt how it started to fall off its support. the numbness in your legs, this sort of stressful feeling of being constantly out of air- “i don’t want to die, though”

the sentence felt like a whimper, a cry of help, but tartaglia knew there was exactly nothing he could do.

“am i gonna die?” your voice felt a little stronger, laced with fear, and you lifted your eyes back onto him, in search of a “no” that you knew you wouldn’t find. “i’m gonna leave this world with killing a man as my last memory” you laughed bitterly, before laugh became a cry, and tears mixed with sweat on the surface of your cheeks. “that’s the worst fucking death i could ever imagine”

“baby, look at me” he asked calmly “come here”

when you moved to sit on his side, his hand, sticky from blood, intertwined its fingers with yours, and squeezed tightly.

“look. we’re sitting on a hill, under a tree, the sun is high up in the sky, a meadow below us, it’s a perfect date!” he laughed so authentically, you almost believed it was true. “we’re on a dream date, isn’t that amazing? and look.”

with that, he tilted your head towards his, and kissed you softly and shortly.

“i love you.” he said in the calmest manner he could force out “is that a better memory?”

you placed your head on his side, attempting to hug him even a little bit, tears staining his uniform even more.

“i don’t want to leave you.”

“i’ll be right behind you. guarding your back, like i always do. after all, i promised to always protect you, right? death won’t change my plans.”

[akaashigiri]

Sleepy Jaegers

summary: eren and y/n are at a gathering at armin’s place, and their 2 year old is exhausted. eren is equally as exhausted.

pairing: dad!eren jaeger x fem!reader

word count: 1.69k

warnings: none, fluffff

a/n: sigh my baby fever possessed me to write this 💔 might make armin a father as well if people end up liking this one (i will anyway) 😋

These gatherings were almost like a ritual to the group.

There wasn’t ever a specific place they met, they would always gather in different places, wether it’d be the beach, a park, or at one of their homes. It didn’t matter where it took place, just as long as everyone was there. Everyone was obligated to come.

So of course that includes the littlest Jaeger.

It was mid September, and although the weather wasn’t bad at all, some didn’t really feel like going out to public places like the local park, so the group decided on Armin’s new place, since Sasha and Annie still have yet to see it (their homes are farther from the rest)

They were all gathered in the spacious living room; Jean and Sasha on the long couch, while Mikasa and Armin sat on the smaller one. Historia and Ymir shared the beige-colored chair in the corner of the room, while Annie sat on one of the kitchen stools as she watched Y/N and Connie do the dishes (Armin insisted, but the two almost threatened him if he were to touch a dish).

As soon as Eren walked in, he all but restricted anyone from sitting on the big beige reclining sofa, claiming that he deserved it for helping Armin pick it out. Eren was grateful for going to Ikea that day with Armin to pick out the sofa he was now slouched on, recliner out and all. It was now his favorite spot in the whole house (besides the kitchen, since he loved playing around with the smart refrigerator).

As Y/N passed another dish for Connie to rinse and dry, she suddenly felt a tug on her pants, looking down to meet the tired eyes of her daughter.

She was quick to rinse and dry her hands to pick her up, giving all of her attention to the little girl. “Aw, what’s wrong Mimi? Everything alright?” She asked, already noticing the fatigue on her face.

She only snuggled into her mother’s neck, giving her the simple response of, “Tired.” Her vocabulary was fairly short, due to the fact that she was only 2 and learned her words from the ones around her (Eren got in big trouble the day Y/N heard the word ‘shit’ come out of her daughter’s mouth).

Y/N wasn’t surprised she got tired easily today, since Jean gave her more candy then Y/N would usually allow. And with the way her, Ymir, and Mikasa were running around in the yard earlier today, Y/N already saw this coming.

“You’re tired?” she asked again, earning a nod from the crook of her neck. “Okay, mommy’s almost done. Go sit next to daddy until I finish, okay?” She tells her, moving her head back to face her daughter again. Myra nodded, allowing her mother to put her down.

Walking tiredly, Myra slowly moved through the kitchen and made her way to the living room, spotting her father laidback in the corner of the room, limbs sprawled out on the sofa.

Eren wasn’t sure if it was the father instincts, but he was the first to notice her presence in the room, stopping the ghost story Jean swears is real to bring his full attention to his daughter.

“Mimi’s come to save us, everyone!” Eren exclaims, throwing jazz hands up as everyone joined and cheered her on for simply walking in. Jean didn’t like what Eren was implying, but clapped nonetheless.

“You’re not funny. Aren’t dads supposed to tell good jokes?” He questioned, attempting to steal a fry from Sasha’s plate, but failing miserably as she only swats his hand away.

“No Jean, I think it’s the other way around, they’re supposed to be corny.” Armin butts in, watching with a smile as Myra finally starts walking towards her father.

Eren could already see the fatigue on her face, holding his arms out for her once she got a little closer. “What’s up Mimi, you tired?” Eren questioned, laughing as she instead of answering, simply lifted her arms up for him to take her.

She responds with a nod, her hair falling over her face as she was lifted onto his lap. As soon as she was situated, she wasted no time in making herself comfortable, wiggling out of her dad’s grasp and laying her stomach down on his, her head right above where his heart was.

“Nevermind.” he sighs, making the whole room burst out into laughter. This only made Myra whine, the loudness distrupting her attempt at sleeping. “Sorry Myra!” Sasha whispered, finally giving a fry to Jean afterwards.

“I wonder what got her so tired.” Annie questions, making Jean sink into the couch out of guilt as Eren sends him an irritated glance.

“Jean went and gave her a sugar rush before we got here. It was absolute hell.” Eren’s eyes furrow in frustration as he remembers earlier today and how hard it was for him to catch a nap without his energetic 2 year old jumping all over him. All while Jean was happily eating lunch with his wife.

“Okay, but I didn’t know she wasn’t supposed to have that much candy! Kids eat candy like crazy, right?” He attempts to defend himself, looking around the room for support, only to be met with silence.

“Yeah, thing is she’s not a kid! She’s a toddler! Dumbass.” he mumbles the last part, hoping that Y/N somehow wouldn’t hear. But she always found a way how.

“Can someone please slap Eren for me?” She yells from the kitchen. “Stop cursing in front of Myra!”

Eren has no time to defend himself as volunteers step up to do what their friend asked, but Mikasa was the quickest, and Eren was even quicker. He swiftly grabs Myra’s frog blanket from the bag sat beside him and hids his face in it, saving it from the harsh blow of Mikasa’s hand.

“You’re lucky I didn’t miss completely, I just don’t wanna wake Myra.” she confesses, walking back to her seat.

“God, I cant believe we almost named her after you.” Eren groaned, blanket still clutched in hand.

“Mimi’s close enough for me.” She smiles, noticing the way Myra starts to squirm a bit. “Throw the blanket over her, I think she’s cold.” She suggests, bringing Eren’s attention back to the little girl on his chest.

Eren is quick to unravel the rather big blanket from his grasp and take it in both hands to bring it in the air, watching it fall perfectly onto her small figure. The blanket basically covered his whole torso, the end tickling his neck a bit.

“Thanks again for the blanket, Historia. She loves it so much, a little too much.” he says, feeling his daughter move under the blanket so that her little arms were wrapped around his torso as far as she could go. “She won’t use the one I got her anymore.” he says with a slight frown.

The group laughs again, but quietly this time, not wanting the little girl to possibly wake up in a fit.

“I wouldn’t blame her, to be honest.” Jean shrugs, giving Eren a knowing glance, as well as a sly smirk. He knows how mad Y/N would get if he were to disobey her, especially a few minutes after she scolded him. Since Y/N was only a few feet away, Eren aggresively sticks his middle finger up to the man. It’s not like Myra could see through the blanket anyway.

“Are you gonna finish your ghost story, Jean?” Annie asked, although she didn’t believe a word. She just wants to see him make a fool out of himself.

Jeans eyes light up, snapping his fingers together as he sits upstraight again, ready to go into full detail once again. “Right! Okay, okay, so right when I went to shave my beard...”

Eren let’s Jean’s apparent ghost encounter story fade in the background, focusing on the shallow breaths coming from his daughter. He felt himself getting a little drowsy himself, as if her sleepiness was seeping into him.

He doesn’t waste time lifting the blanket a bit to wrap a protective arm around her small figure under it, adjusting his posture on the sofa and crossing his ankles over one another. His let his neck sink into the back of the couch, letting his head go as well so he facing the ceiling. With the warmth of the blanket and the little girl under it, he couldn’t help but close his drowsy eyes as well, finally giving in.

A few minutes pass and Jean is done telling his story, but of course, no one believes him. All except Historia. “Thank you, Historia! See I’m telling the truth. Morons.” Jean rolls his eyes at the way Armin and Sasha curl up as they laughed, Mikasa and Annie trying their best to hold in theirs.

Jean soon notices the person who would’ve regurlarly had the most to say was being awfully quiet. Getting ready to scold him for not listening, Jean is met with a site he has to admit, is the cutest thing he’s seen all year.

Eren was deep in slumber, soft snores coming from him and the little girl that rested as peacefully as he did on top of him. The print of his arm around her could be seen through the green blanket, as well as both of their steady breaths. They looked so comfortable, it would be a pain for them to get up soon, which they would have to eventually.

“Awww, they’re adorable!!” Historia exclaims from the other side of the room, which seemed to catch Y/N’s attention all the way from the kitchen.

“What’s happening? Is something cute happening? Someone take pictures!” She exclaimed, wanting to abandon the plates and take them herself, but thinks that would be rather rude to leave poor connie alone.

“On it!” Sasha and Jean say in unison. Both are quick to pull out their phones, Jean getting the more unappealing angles, while Sasha actually put some effort into it and snapped a few photos.

These were being sent to every single person on her contact list.

this was written at like 2 am sorry if there are typos i swear i reread 💔

also i’m currently working on a mob fic idk if ppl still like those but i most definitely do so watch out for that one :p

hope y’all liked this one lol

-aysha <3

[fairycosmos]

i'm so fucking depressed and suicidal over bill c*sby's release. this is why we never say shit about being sexually abused. there is no justice and after going through the trauma of speaking out and being attacked and called a liar they still defend your abuser and they always win in the end. speaking out it's not worth it. look at this shit. this is so retraumatizing i'm so tired it's especially awful when on top og being a sa victim you're also a csa victima because who's going to believe me at all when it's been so long? i'm just fucking ruined i want to die

so so sorry to hear this - i didn't realize he was getting let out but i just looked it up and i'm in shock, too. can not imagine how this feels as a survivor and honesty i know there's no words for it, no justification. i have no idea why it is so hard to just believe ppl who work up the courage to speak out, especially women. it is so fucking rare for anyone to lie about it especially in a legal court. i don't know why there's even a debate around it, it is so so fucking stupid and often times nothing more than misogyny at its finest. like how many people have to speak up about that man before he's fucking condemned in a way that matters, what are we waiting for? the public is not stupid and we all know at least on some level what he is. let's just skip the bullshit, for fuck sake, we always pretend to be purposefully obtuse for these rich and famous predators, and i can't figure out why. i guess its just money and power. but even just for men in general - the amount of times i was brushed off as a kid is insane, and i know i'm not the only one. anyway, my thoughts are with you and his victims, right now and always. i completely get why seeing this is the most discouraging thing in the world and i don't blame you at all for just wanting to stop trying. it must be so so exhausting, down to the very core. this is your personal journey and everything you are feeling during it is 100% understandable. i know it is really easy for me to say anything even vaguely hopeful or encouraging regarding this, as someone speaking as an outsider looking in. and if you're not in a place to hear it rn i get that. but at the same time i will always believe there is power in speaking out and i will always believe you deserve justice and peace and resolution and healing. you are not ruined, you deserve to be believed. these are undeniable truths no matter how hard they are for your brain to accept in its current state. whether it happened five minutes or fifteen years ago, it doesn't change the fact that it happened and that you deserve to be listened to. obviously it is COMPLETELY up to you how you cope with this and where you go from here, and there's no wrong answer. but i hope you can really internalize the validity of your experiences and your pain some day. sincerely. and please, if you feel like you are at risk of harming yourself right now, please call a loved one or a hotline asap. even if you have to do it on autopilot and disregard what your mind is telling you, just get on the phone. i don't want to undermine what you've been through by acting like it is something that somebody can just simply overcome, but i do genuinely think you are going to have a whole life beyond this hurt and it really isn't impossible to think that eventually you will see that too. esp if you're able to seek therapy or if you're able to do be open with someone, even just yourself in a journal to begin with, some time soon. it's ok if you need to speak about the trauma, and the retraumatization, for the rest of your life to feel like you can cope with it. it's ok if you need time alone to process. whatever you need, it's okay. again, i am so so sorry. people like bill cosby deserve to rot and there are so many people who can relate to where you're at rn, who have survived it too. if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to please let me know. i am sending you so much love, i am so sorry. there are so many of us who do believe you.

http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

[dukeofonions]

hi so i.found ur blog and its honestly like a breath of fresh air to look at so if its ok i might just fuckin,,vent here.

so. ik a lot of other people have been talking abt how pof was really straining to watch and i am.very late to the party but i need to talk abt it bcz holy fuck. when i first watched it i was in a way better place mwntally, also the general excitement of wow,content kinda overrode the headache and the eye hurty and the just. bad. but i was rewatching it recently because i was basing a fic off it and i just. i couldnt finish it because all of it was just so much and there was no fuckin warning?? so that was pog ig

next thing because i have. a lot of thoughts. ive been in the fandom for not-very-long, i joined in the middle of 2019 or something.and it just kinda sucks because im only still here for the fandom. i love the series but i can only watch dwit and compilations of logan/roman being sad so much before i can basically recite them off the top of my head. but i reallyreally love writing for the fandom!! it makes me so happy to do the writing, its just the fact that im not as invested with the series that makes me feel,,idk man guilty ig?? anyway thats too deep for a rant so im.a move on

god so tw me not liking post aa virgil and me talking abt toxic friends but hoooly fuck man. i just. pre aa virgil was fun because he was snarky and sarcastic and i could actually stand the nagst because his character made sense?? he was the 'bad guy' and he wasnt as woobified back then and he was honestly a solid vibe. but post aa virgil gives off the vibe of that one friend who fuckin, gets angry at you when you bring up any of your mental health issues and then blames their outburst on their mental health issuea and its like?? no i hate that character dynamic. people say bad things when the feel bad, sure, ik i have, but its the vibe of 'im gonna threaten you and then blame it on my mental health but if you so much as look at me wrong while ur having sensory overload or something i will smite you with the force of one thousand suns' and i am just.so tired. also ithink someone else said this but we should just call the series 'virgil sanders and the rest' because thats what it is now ksbdjqkbsq

also (all ofthese are my opinions btw and im not trying to say im rigbt im just tired honestly) the way. in pof the way patton's whole thing is 'you need empathy' is not funky fresh for both people with low empathy and high empathy 😎 bcz ppl with too much/too little empathy are always told theyre 'cold' or that theyre 'oversensitive', the whole 'there is an average amount of empathy and if u dont have that fuck you actually' is icky and bad and gross. i do think patton's character is really well done in the series but that episode jjust personally. ick.

and finally the moment uve not been waiting for bcz this is probably really tiring to read but the moment youve been waiting for-fwsa.just. why. its cute and stuff and i love nico. nico is a vibe. also bathroom man john is great. but shouldnt roman still be on shit terms with thomas?? like lk we're just gonna sweep away the whole 'i thought i wad ur hero' shizz? cool cool, glad to know romans arc still aint happening. also i get it, we needed to cement that virgil is a light side now. but like..did we?? actually bcz this is so long im gonna send in a second ask (im sososorry if this clogs up ur ask box if u tell me to stop i will i just. many thoughts) abt how even though i hate virgil, his arc should have been done. so differently. just gonna put like,, a mushroom emoji here so u can put the 2 asks together if u want 🍄

You’re always free to vent here! Sorry it took so long to respond but life has a cruel habit of getting in the way of things I need to do. 

So for starters, the POF problem should be talked about more so I can assure you that you’re not late to the party. It never really got the amount of attention it deserved so I am more than willing to bring that back up and trust me, you’re not alone. 

And again, you’re not alone in this either! Plenty of people still enjoy creating content for these characters. You don’t have to feel guilty for not finding the actual series interesting because honestly, I’m kinda losing interest too. But I still love these characters and I love that the fandom is still creating stories with them through different mediums.

Honestly I agree with just about everything you said about Virgil and I do eventually plan on tackling a lot of this in a future post. You know, if I ever force myself to just sit down and write the dang thing... 

Oh my gosh I’ve been waiting for someone to talk about this because that whole thing about empathy in POF really ticked me off because you’re absolutely right, not everyone is 100% empathetic, and some people can be empathetic to a point where it hurts themselves. Like I get what they were trying to say but it came across as, well, like you said. “If you’re don’t have this exact level of empathy then eff you I guess you’re a bad person.” Maybe that actually wasn’t their intention but it sure came across that way and maybe I’ll go into it a little more in another post because now that I’ve been reminded of it again I kinda wanna talk about it more. 

Okay yes, FWSA on its own is a good episode. Heck, it’s one of my favorites. It feels closer to a season one episode than ATHD that’s for sure. The problem with this episode isn’t the quality but the fact that it comes right after POF. And I’ve basically gone over this in my “Problem With Asides” post and how it affects both Roman and Virgil’s current arcs so I won’t go into much more detail here but just know that I pretty much agree with all of this. 

Also don’t worry about cluttering up my inbox. It’s here for people to share their thoughts and that’s exactly what you’re doing! Hope to see your part two soon mushroom anon! 

[flyingcatstiel]

1of2 Tired of metas blaming executives / defending writers. Writers can write horrible endings. Proof - GOT, HIMYM, Lost etc. Executives didn't force those bad endings. Reading all these conspiracy theories feels like I am listening to Trump. Executives are homophobic but ok with incestous ending? I asked my SO (who never watched SPN) to watch SPN final with me. I quote him "didn't you say they are brothers. It almost looks like they are going to kiss - Ewww - is this what you want me to watch?"

2of2 Even if we look at bottom line - Executives - apparently don't care the fact that Destiel was trending FIRST world wide - in middle of pandemic, middle of historic US elections - such free publicity to gain more viewers and money - but they care about incestous endings which grossed out lot of people. I wish these metas and conspiracy theorists stop baiting people and stop defending writers. Even before covid - Dabb had intended for this bad ending with proof that only 30% will like it.

Oh, nonnie. If you have sent this just 2 days ago, I’d be there with you, all salty about metas defending writers. Today tho, after going through some serious posts about the CW involvement with the show, about Russian market, about professional dubbing practices I have my thoughts in different order. 

So, from what I’ve seen so far (barely past midnight November 26 in the US as of writing this). Jensen went to re record audio stuff for 15x18, most likely Cas confession scene. Now we have info from Latin America (2 separate dubs)  that Dean actually reciprocated Cas’s love declaration and only after that The Empty took Cas. Nonnie, this changes everything. The first thing so many viewers noticed and commented on was the weird way the scene was cut and how little emotions Dean showed. The running gag on twitter was that Jensen is homophobic and Misha strong-armed him into that scene. Non shipper said that it was platonic love declaration from Cas, coming out of nowhere. But most importantly, we, shippers were robbed from proper celebration of our ship going canon. After 12 years of sticking with the ship, they still took it from us. This is totally on the CW shoulders.

But also, this means that destiel was at some point greenlit by the executives to be reciprocated in canon. Until someone at the CW backpaddled in late September. The writers are not responsible for this, they are victims of these changes as well. Dean’s answer changes the emotional beats of several scenes in 15x19 in addition to the scenes that were cut. 15x19 has that strange montage at the very end which most likely was added to cover cut scenes, say like Lucifer, Jack and Cas scene in the empty? Because if Misha was in 15x19, that would mean that the prank call was never meant to be his last contribution. I mean, the disrespect to the fans, the writers and Misha, all in one episode.

And then there’s 15x20 which looks so weird that a lot of fans immediately said that it is a butchered episode. Thing is, we have no idea what kind of script was written pre covid, how much it was changed and when, and how much was cut out from filmed episode. I’ve seen posts sayin that the script for 15x20 was still in rewrites when they finished filming for 15x18. Which is very, very late for a shooting script. I personally think that Dean’s death was the thing Jensen disliked so much, but even then - we don’t know how it was framed in earlier scripts and how they arrived at that horrific scene in 15x20. 

I’m not saying that SPN writers are the most amazing TV writers out there, and I look forward times when we will be able to discuss all problematic stuff SPN is filled to the brim with, but. We just don’t know what exactly happened in the SPN writing room and how much executives meddled with it. COVID happened. Nothing of this is normal. This is why the most important thing right now is to pressure the CW for some answers. Look at them throwing Misha under the bus today. That tells you bunches how well they know fandom and how to manipulate us. 

Now about that incestuous scene, aka Dean’s death, and why homophobic executives would be OK with it but not canon destiel. Under the cut we go, mostly for space reasons. 

Ok, this is so funny but I actually just finished writing my second answer about wincest in 15x20 and had problems posting it and that’s how I learned that we broke tumblr and destiel went canon in spanish. Here’s my post, check it out bc I’m not repeating it  here. 

I think wincest, aka incest between two able bodied, adult male brothers is something casual viewer outside the fandom is not even thinking about. If it was sister/brother deal with intimate embrace, people would notice faster. But two masculine, 6 ft tall macho dudes during the death scene? Nope. Here comes plausible deniability which viewers also use to ignore anything “funny” between Dean and Cas. I’m glad that you and your partner noticed incest vibes, but, I’ve see plenty people even in destiel fandom being fine with such scenes between Sam and Dean. I’ve seen some destiel fans saying that they really loved 15x20, so, there are viewers out there for whom it worked. 

Now let’s look at the bottom line. TBH, I’ve no idea where to look? Where is the projected revenues for a show that is ending? You say that Destiel trending during pandemic is a proof that our fandom is huge, but. No one knew that we had such power! And trending on twitter is not something that translates into money easily. And it happened 2 weeks before finale. There’s no time to change finale anymore. I personally think that destiel fandom has been shrinking for past couple of years, since so many folks left due to bad writing and queerbaiting. But they came back for tweeting. At this point destiel is bigger than it’s fandom. I personally think that the CW would have benefited from canon destiel, but they made different call.

I agree with you that in general, fandom should not defend the writers so much and ought to be more critical about the stuff they write, but today, November 26, 2020, the game is happening on completely different plane. I’m pretty sure that we got a butchered finale, and I’m very much inclined to believe that it is somehow connected to their efforts to promote The Walker show. Maybe Dabb’s original finale was really bad, but show me the script then. If destiel was supposed to be reciprocated, then they might have gone overboard with bro love in Dean’s death scene. Only now, when destiel was one-sided, that scene becomes very wincesty seemingly on purpose. A good creative writing, in it’s finished form, is a very tightly woven fabric. You pull out some threads, you unravel whole fabric. And that’s what 15x20 is. 

2 days ago I’d be roasting metas who defend spn writers, today I want to storm the CW. (pitchforks anyone?) Destiel shippers were robbed, queer love story was censored, this should be the focus of or anger today, not the writers or actors. We can do both - demand truth about the Cas confession scene and roast original Dabb’s ending if we ever get it. 

ETA - after writing this up, I checked out some posts by blogs who debunk all conspiracies, including Spanish dub. They sound very convincing! But in that case we have to talk about long term queerbaiting that was taking place on this old CW show till the very last minute. Cas was used in promos for 15x17 he was not in. They (ppl who make promos) deliberately used Cas barn scene from 4x01 in those promos, then actual barn in 15x20 promo but somehow it is shippers who are delusional? Don’t start me on Song of the day. Angel with a shotgun for 15x19? What was that about? After 15x18 there was no official goodbye to Cas which made ppl to watch finale. Like? Even if the Spanish dub gets officially debunked by the CW and not some random blogs, we are left with the fact that destiel fandom was gaslighted during the last stretch of s15. And not only by writers.

And if this was the finale they so lovingly crafted and deemed to be good, where are the celebration of the SPN ending? Why we had to watch documentary before the episode? Why 15x20 was so short? Why Canada watched the episode first (and leaked spoilers online) They filmed after quarantine, the script had to be the usual length. And so on, fandom has been through all the things that didn’t match several times already. PITCHFORKS -> the CW

[heccshrecc]

bro like pls my eye so mudafukin tired. I REALLY FEEL THE URGE TO CUT AGAIN SPWOKXNQND I - PLEASE i want to sleep and i’m very fucking tired and my one side of my eyes is like blinking slower. also sorry that i long timeno

update. I’ve just been lazy to journal lolz. also i hate my. That’s it. i hate my.

socioqodiqkdkwk

it’s u know- i’m. how now la cb. my intrusive thoughts are back. Time for incest porn. fml. Not @ me thinking about harming myself and people i cherish. :D i’m terrified. omaolaoya. Oh and kimchi so good. EVEN THOUGH IT MAKES MY BREATH SMELL LIKE SOUR DOG SHIT. but no cap shits good.

i also don’t think scratching out ur loved ones face is very normal. I know it’s not normal BUT WAHT DA FAWK AM I AUPPOSED TO DO. IM JUST

rip. my knife mad rusty so i scared the rust will like kena infecriom or some shit . but jesus fucking did it make shit feel slightly better. i really was clean for the past sixmonths. And now i am d i r t y. honestly why am i like this.

which mtf biTCH MADE ME LIKE THOS YES I AM PUHLAYING THE BLAME GAME BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO FEEL LOLE THOS. I ONLY WANT TO KILL MYSELF

stop making me aroused to incest porn da fawk. i d w to fuck step dads. i only want step washing machine .

so anyways i really don’t understand why i so toksik la tbh. No excuse for it legit. i’m feel so bad. i feel like a person as dysfunctional and unhealthy and disgostang as me shouldn’t be with someone so... normal and healthy ig. Yo can’t ever imagine having supportive parents yo yo ... where can i sign up please take me. Like please he’s trying his best and ima be horse shit. He’s going to be tired of me and it’s gonna fucking hurt so bad purr. and ima have to find shit to fill the void. but if he leaves me, he wins. literally. nobody deserves to get with me, like nobody should have to suffer with me.

it’s just difficult. I’m sorry but i might accidentally unbag several experiences of my childhood trauma.

sorry gurlie 💆🏻‍♀️✂️ but i’m just mad that my mom didn’t just CHOKE ME HARDER. probably why i so into choking la deng , kinks are formed so as to reenact traumatic experiences under a controlled and somewhat ‘safe’ environment where you are the one in charge. also tip: put fingers around back and like idk how explain but yeah anyways, i’m mad at my mom for being toxic. and i’m more mad at her for not being toxic enuf to kill me.

why didn’t u just kill me why didn’t u just kill why didn’t u just jul me why didn’t u just kill me aozkwkkxkwks i hate everybody i hate everybody die die die dude i want to die I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE PLEASE FUCKING KILL ME PLEWSE PLEASE I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO SOE NOTHING IS EVER ENOUGH LZLWODOWKKDKS

i’m . maybe i’m gonna get better. i got through 2014,2015. It gon be cool. Just kinda hate it la when ppl compare toxic relationships LOL at least ur mother din take out knife because u don’t know 加減乘除 loh deng.

but rn i kinda mad she dint stab me la. and wow why my dad so hamsap. sometimes i’m scared to dress up. i’ll probably never forget that time. pls stop scratching ur dick lol it’s more traumatising than funny :D.

i just wish a car fucking bangs 9 me and kills. air will be the best bang of my life BABAHAHAHA. sohai i damn funny sia.kekekekekelek

ok la hope i die in my naps or something. and like hope ev realises his worth and that he shouldn’t stoop so low. He’s just too innocent for all this man. i’m thinking about selling my soul to capitalism and working my ass off just to be placed at a value of THE bare minimum.

You don’t need to worry about what you have to do in the future and work to get out of this ass country. WE ARE NOT THE SAME.

ok srs bye liao . i need to like scroll tiktok before i think about some blood and killing and the time we were at china and i thought about this big drill thing that had spikes all over it shaped like an ice cream cone then i imagined it jabbed onto my ... birthgiver. It felt scary yet satisfying.

i swear i not murderer tumblr pls dun block me ah. I AM LIKE 30% EQUIPPED WITH HEALTHY MINDSET. i am cognitively empathetic . ig idk la i go scroll timtok liao so idt about shit...

FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIF FUCK

[whitmore]

2 questions/discussions (that arent related but I think its ok lol). 1. Sorta devils advocate/but also sincere question re: the “neither henry nor cindy faced actual consequences”. Exactly what kind of consequences are we talking about. IRL ones like jail/probation/etc? Bc otherwise it feels like, at least with Henry (and like you said it was kinda cheated by being cut short), we did get a semi redemptive “did fucked up shit, but am now attempting to rectify and do better moving forward” arc.1/2

Like what else can we ask for (that’s not a legal consequence kind of thing)? Isn’t the whole point that the sum total of your being isn’t defined by one moment or period of time. That we can and should be allowed room to do better? On the other hand I get it like oh here we go redeeming another misogynistic pos. But idk... 

(i put that part in here bc it’s relevant to this specific question) i’m not the poster of the textpost ur talking abt but. i’m willing to answer anyway bc it gives me a nice base to the discussion i want to have abt him

i’ll go into the implications of writing a character like henry another time so for now i’ll try to keep this as in-universe contained as possible for the sake of not over-meta-ing myself

the school didn’t do anything, that we know of, about henry/cindy releasing yolanda’s pictures. literally everybody blamed yolanda. she was stripped of all social standing and her class presidency. henry had been bullying her at that table for god knows how long and there’s no sign of any teacher or authority figure sticking up for yolanda. i know a lot of this is implication rather than fact, but i find it a lot easier to believe that small town nebraska high school took a stand against yolanda, rather than with her. yolanda mentions being entirely alone, not having anyone in her corner; this, assumedly, includes the school. whether over the releasing the pictures incident alone or not, the school should have stepped in and intervened in henry’s bullying of yolanda. again, all introspection, but it’s a lot more believable than a teacher standing up for her, given her personality & things she’s said abt her situation. the only one who i could even vaguely make an argument for is principal bowin, who took the mic and tried to shut everyone up i guess, but we never see bowin & yolanda truly interact again, assuming that she also abandoned yolanda after discovering the whole situation. henry never got proper reprimandation for the bullying / sharing the pictures not even in a legal sense but just in any sense at all (rereading this i realize i keep saying henry bc my rant is more centered around him & his portrayal but cindy too, given they both visibly bully her in the series & in no way is cindy off the hook in this; i just see people excuse henry for his behaviour WAY more than i see ppl excuse cindy for what she did to yolanda. actually i haven’t seen anyone at all excuse her for what she did. funny how that works)

the key thing here is that henry dying doesn’t make up for the bad shit he did to yolanda. they’re two different moral scales. i know he had the whole “i am sorry” thing and yeah i truly do believe that he’s sorry, but saying that doesn’t make up for it. yolanda was ostracized from her school, her family, her entire community. henry saying sorry was like placing a bandaid on a broken window. it doesn’t fix the entire window. “but it’s sticky!! it helps!!!” does it ‘help’? sure. does it absolve him of, idk, throwing the brick through the window? no. 

henry died bc he didn’t stand w his father. because he wanted to try & be better. which was a start, sure. his death redeemed his character, not his situation w yolanda. the fact of the matter is, his death, imo, doesn’t affect his morality over the yolanda situation at all. two different moral issues.

to get into it in a bit more of a meta-writer sense, the writing of that whole situation just irks me, if i’m being honest. there’s a hispanic girl whose clearly immigrant family is highly religious and therefore they shun her for something that isn’t her fault? it feels very. stereotypical. as i’m not hispanic i won’t speak on that part (good article here that does! i don’t entirely agree w everything it says but it’s notes on the writing of yolanda as character of colour r top notch) but on the immigrant note i’m just ! so sick of immigrants being villainized in dc media but also this idea that immigrant families are obsessed w/ the image of their family and first generations having to hold themselves to the impossible standard that their immigrant parents set up is just,, tired? give me loving immigrant families lmao anyway rant over

the funny thing is, the way i see it, is that henry was defined by precisely two things for the first like 7 episodes; being an asshole to yolanda, and being brainwave’s kid. the whole point IS that ur entire being isn’t defined by one period, except the writers literally wrote henry that way (which i don’t approve of, but that’s what they did). unfortunately henry isn’t real and his actions are not real and he’s written by a bunch of writers in a writers room and THEY reduced him to that. he was only really given that ample space to breathe and grow during his last two episodes alive, which just wasn’t enough to atone for what the writers/henry did to yolanda, especially for me.

[jamesmarlowe]

『ANTON THIEMKE ❙ CIS-MALE』 ⟿ looks like JAMES MARLOWE is here for HIS SENIOR year as a FINE ARTS student. He is 21 years old & known to be CLEVER, INVENTIVE, UNRELIABLE & EGOTISTICAL. They’re living in NOLAND, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ SLOTH. 25. EST. SHE/HER.

hi hello welcome 2 my twisted mind ☺️ marlowe is a character i’m still fine-tuning bc he’s brand-new, so this is unfortunately.... a bit of a mess.... and mostly made up on the spot.... c’est la vie!!

(a late addition but u can also peep his weheartit collection here 4 some vibes)

his government name is james marlowe but he only goes by marlowe & only introduces himself as marlowe like he’s madonna or sting....  most ppl who know him (apart from like close friends) probably don’t even know what his first name is. maybe he doesn’t have one!

hails from Appalachia, specifically a trailer park in a poor-as-dirt stretch of Virginia where he was born n raised, baby. he’s Appalachian white trash and not afraid to admit it. marlowe’s very casual about his upbringing and his dumpster fire of a family (no less than three relatives are currently incarcerated, one of which is his older brother who’s probably serving a minor sentence for whatever dumb shit Tim Riggins got got for in FNL or like, selling illegal fireworks out of his trunk :/ ). the only thing he’s a little self-conscious about is his twang which he’s mostly suppressed by now, but other than that, he’s got no shame in where he comes from bc lbr no authentic artist ever came from money anyway!

born sandwiched in the middle of five siblings, marlowe’s always been wild and creative and impulsive, a loud-mouthed kid with too much to say for his own good, prone 2 getting in trouble but learning absolutely nothing from it. it was his mission in life to be Different from all the other kids who grew up where he grew up, with the way he talked, dressed, acted, because he knew that he was destined for bigger n better things so it was just a matter of getting other ppl to believe it, & then seeing how far a little talent and a lot of charisma would take him >:)

from age 8 onwards, he told people he was an “artist” and that became his primary identity. when he was 16 he completed an independent sculpture project (called “Skyscraper”) where he constructed a 20-foot tower made out of junk collected from around the trailer park and then glued Barbies n other dolls all clawing over each other to get to the top, smack dab in the middle of Main Street and refused to take it down even when the local fire department showed up 2 threaten him with fines. it did eventually get taken down bc it was ‘structurally unsound’ and someone nearly got concussed by a falling mannequin head, but at least it got some attention from local newspapers and w/ that as the crown jewel in his portfolio, marlowe got into a few different art/liberal arts schools the following year. radcliffe was the only one who offered a partial scholarship and the east coast sounded nice n far from home, so anyways lets go ✈️ college 

FAST FORWARD its senior year babey and marlowe’s been making the most of his time here at radcliffe. he’s a fine arts major but specializes in mixed media sculptures (and probably is really shit at most of his other classes, like art theory where u actually have to read textbooks? still life drawing? boring. yawn. won’t do it.) his entire profile as an artist i’m cribbing from Rachel Harrison bc I saw her exhibition at the whitney a little while ago and her sculptures made me go ?????¿¿¿¿¿ which i think is exactly the kind of bizarre nonsense that marlowe is going for with his “art”. feast your eyes on these masterpieces. the joke of it all is that marlowe is the first to admit that his art isn’t like.... good. but his philosophy is that if people respond to it & praise it like it’s art, then by definition, it’s art. and if it gets him places (like it got him onto Cultured Magazine’s “30 Young Artists To Watch This Decade″ list), then yeehaw!

When he’s not busy creating new monstrosities, marlowe takes one fat nap per day (usually at a time when he has class) and is otherwise a very social creature who needs constant attention. he’s got a lot of friends and is always looking to make more, not in a #fake way but just as a person who genuinely likes being around people. he very quickly gets bored if left on his own, so he’s prone to following people around campus like a stray cat regardless of whether or not they tell him to shoo. he dorms at Noland but is almost always found in other houses, often crashing in other people’s rooms (needs to be close to his friends or He’ll Die), and he definitely frequents parties, bc marlowe never passes up an opportunity to drink other people’s booze and get a lil messy and Chaotic. he’s [jim halpert voice] not a slut, but who knows? he’s kinda a slut! he’s also definitely pulled another stunt similar to Skyscraper by taking over the quad for a guerrilla art installation with his sculptures (and without the school’s permission oops) which may be the basis for some connections if ppl know him from that particular exploit!!

in summary..... marlowe can be a bit up his own ass at times, but being around him is generally a Good Time bc he’s easy-going and friendly and always down for anything, always. litcherally zero impulse control so nothing gets in the way of a dumb idea that might potentially make for a good story. perhaps he’s not the most reliable person, so don’t expect a prompt text back if ur in a life or death situation, and he doesn’t care very much about anything, so ur setting urself up for disappointment if you do expect him to care about something (the fact that he’s never been in a long-term relationship... very telling). all he wants to do is just have! fun all the time! he’s trying to scam his way into the American Dream with his dumb art, so that he can live a good life and maybe get rich and famous and eventually party at Art Basel in Miami with Frank Ocean! is that really so much to ask!

appearance: marlowe’s very vain and a lot of thought goes into his appearance even when (especially when) it doesn’t look like he’s done anything but roll straight out of bed. all of his outfits are as outrageous as his sculptures are ugly. think mismatched prints and loud colors, silk shirts gaping open like he got tired after the first three buttons, a pawn’s shop worth of jewelry, weird dangly earrings w/ feathers or tiny charms, tinted yellow or pink sunglasses, sometimes a bandana around his neck, just for extra flavor. his hair always has to look perfectly tousled; u can catch him checking out his reflection in pretty much every mirrored surface. at least half the surface area of his body is covered in tattoos & he’ll suggest getting more during every drunken night out, which... is why he has so many by now!

connections: to be quite honest its 2 am and i feel all of my higher brain functions shutting down so i’m gonna make these very simple n straightforward, but we can always workshop!!!! pls feel free to message me even if none of these strike ur fancy :0)

peers in the arts - friends, acquaintances, rivals, probably some former group project members holding a grudge....

fellow party animals who don’t mind sharing when marlowe inevitably mooches off their alcohol and drugs :)

unlikely friends!!!!! it’d be fun to have a friendship dynamic with someone who’s very different from him!!

a roommate in Noland... possibly one he’s not on good terms w/... even tho marlowe hardly EVER sleeps in his own dorm room, he uses it as a storage locker for all his “found” art materials. i can imagine that living in that mess would try the limits of anyone’s sanity :)  

enemies - they can hate his whole Genius Artist shtick and they’d be valid :/

fellow insomniacs! marlowe is very much a night owl (regular naps during the day may be 2 blame but oh well) so he needs a fellow nocturnal to hit up the late-night McDonald’s drive thru with him and then lay on the grass lookin at the stars and contemplating life’s great mysteries while eating chicken mcnuggets 

exes - idk if u can even call them tht when his past “relationships” have all had a lifespan of six weeks or less, but hey there’s drama in that too!!

fwb - i don’t think marlowe’s the type 2 be juggling too many fwb/hook-ups at one time simply because That’s A Lot of Work. that being said... he never likes to sleep alone ;) 

[asknightqueendany]

Whenever I’ve seen u hate on Sansa you always point out her trusting baelish in s7 and her behavior with the Karstarks. Both were bad decisions but the reasons make sense. Karstarks- Sansa went through hell with Ramsay and she I think she wants to be strict making sure that the north knows there are consequences for their actions should they turn on her. Deep down she probably knows two children can’t hurt her much but since she’s been betrayed a lot and in the worst ways- she’s very paranoid.

Part 2- she is just falling into the bad habit of being overly paranoid. Next her trusting baelish- Sansa always ever since s2 knows that baelish is not trustworthy but she never had anyone else that seemed willing to actually take her home. Yes he betrayed her but at that point it had become a habit to trust him and to be manipulated by him. Dany took 7 seasons to acknowledge that drogo raped her. Sansa took 7 seasons to finally realize that baelish will NEVER be on her side.   

Part 3- a lot of ppl also bring up the way she acted with the lords when they spoke abt Jon. Sansa has never been seen as anything but a pawn and now she’s actually valued by the lords so it went straight to her head. Also she did explain that the northern lords are always shifty and that she needs there support in the wars to come so she can’t anger them! I love all the asoiaf ladies and I think the reason some may not like Sansa is bc it’s harder to get inside her head and understand.     

Separate ask but also about Sansa so I’m combining them (Anon 2):

You don’t have to like Sansa but if you ever become part of the Sansa fandom.. not all of us hate dany or hate every character besides Sansa. Everyone I follow loves Sansa and Dany and especially loves Sansa and Arya. Yes ppl ship jonsa (I personally don’t) and most ppl who ship jonsa dislike Dany but a lot of ppl that like Sansa don’t even ship jonsa. There are lot of vocal jonsa fans but that fandom is VERY small.            

Okay. I am so tired of talking about Sansa on this blog. Why do her supporters continue asking me about her? My opinions of her have not changed. The first 3pt ask did not made me change my opinions about her. And I severely disagree with everything the first asker wrote. Surely Anon 1, you had to have know I’d deconstruct your argument in my answer, right? So are we to have a back and forth of you sending me anons in regards to Sansa, and me continuing to dig my heels in about her because I firmly believe where I stand on here and have canon to back it up? It’s kind of exhausting.

I will answer these questions today. But I ask that people stop sending me questions about Sansa. I don’t like her. I have never liked her. I have never wanted to be in the “Sansa” fandom. I don’t enjoy watching scenes with her character in them. I didn’t enjoy reading her chapters in ASOIAF. And I don’t want to discuss her character anymore. I don’t even enjoy comparing her to Daenerys and don’t see why so many people do because they are very different characters with very different stories and journeys but since her rabid stans (not the non-rabid ones) hate Daenerys and always make Sansa-Dany comparisons, I’m forced to do so also to refute the wrong and hateful assumptions made about Dany.

But from now on, I’m going to try to refrain from talking about Sansa as much as possible because...I really don’t want to and don’t like to. So again, please no more asks about her.

Anon 1: You admit Sansa is overly paranoid and that Sansa likely knew the Karstark and Umber kids wouldn’t hurt her and blame her paranoia on Ramsay and say her “bad decisions” as you call them - trusting Baelish and not trusting the Umber and Karstark kids - make sense.

Whoa, there’s a lot to unpack there.

Let’s start with Ramsay - Sansa is paranoid because of Ramsay (and likely all her other tormentors - Joffrey, Cersei, and Lysa). But who put Sansa in that position with Ramsay? And the position with Lysa? BAELISH. If Baelish hadn’t kissed Sansa out in the open where Lysa could see, then Sansa’s life wouldn’t have been threatened by Lysa in the first place.

It’s almost as if Baelish did it on purpose so he had an excuse to kill Lysa and further endear himself to Sansa. Lysa comes across as crazy. She nearly kills Sansa. Baelish steps in and “saves” Sansa. But Baelish only saved Sansa from the threat that HE opened her up to.

AND Baelish didn’t need to kill Lysa. She calms down once he tells her he’s only ever loved one woman. He could have continued lying to her but he wanted to get her out of the way so he killed her.

Sansa learns about Lysa being the one to kill Jon Arryn on Baelish’s orders. She learns that it was Baelish’s idea for Lysa to send the letter to Catelyn that it was the Lannisters who killed Jon when really it was Lysa, thereby starting the conflict between Stark and Lannister. Baelish doesn’t kill Lysa because he just doesn’t want her around anymore and doesn’t want to deal with her. He kills her because she knows too much. AND NOW SANSA KNOWS TOO.

Doesn’t this sound familiar? It’s just like with Ser Dontos. Dontos knew too much and was a drunk - Lysa knew too much and was not of sound mind. Sansa has witnessed Baelish killing both these people who know too much of his shady dealings and yet...she still keeps him around. WHY???

He’s also the one who sold her to Ramsay Bolton. Saved her from monsters who murdered her family and gave her to other monsters who murdered her family. Even if Ramsay was a stand up guy...Roose still plunged a knife into Robb Stark’s heart. Her father-in-law would be the man who killed her brother. That’s all kinds of fucked up.

And it’s all because of Baelish.

Knowing all this about Baelish, Sansa keeps him as her ONLY confidante. She doesn’t even seek Maester Wolkan’s council! The man who is MEANT to council and serve the Lord/Lady of Winterfell!!! We’ve only got one scene of the two of them together and Sansa is telling Wolkan what to do, she’s not asking for his advice. Wolkan would have been a much more neutral and wiser advisor and yet, Sansa never seeks his advice. Not on what to do about the Northern Lords, not on what to do about Arya - WHICH IF SANSA HAD CONFIDED IN WOLKAN ABOUT THE ARYA SITUATION AND THE LETTER SHE WOULD HAVE SNIFFED OUT BAELISH’S PLOT THAT MUCH QUICKER!!!!!!!! FFS I’m getting so mad about this. Wolkan was a man of the Citadel, sworn to the castle he served, sworn to HER. And she never sought his advice. Damnit this makes me so mad. How can anyone justify this? How can anyone say Sansa’s mistrust of people in general would mean she turns to the man she’s seen kill two people because of wanting to keep his secrets safe and not trust the man who’s sworn to serve her.

If Sansa is so goddamn mistrustful, she should have kicked Baelish to the curb. Not kept him in her presence whispering in her ear 24/7. How could she not suspect him of trying to play her? HOW???

Moving on....

On to Alys Karstark and Ned Umber. You say this was a bad decision but one that made sense for what Sansa’s gone through. I call bullshit. Alys and Ned are meant to be portrayed as children, Alys possibly of an age with Sansa, but Ned clearly much younger.

However, Alys’s age doesn’t really matter because Sansa treats her and Ned the same. She wants to kick them out. Anon 1, you say this is because Sansa wants the North to know what happens to people who betray her - which, hello, I’m surprised you even worded it like that because that’s usually the kind of accusation that gets hurled at Daenerys. So you’re saying Sansa is vengeful? She wants her people to fear her? Because that is ruling with fear. Making her people afraid of the consequences if they cross her and making an example of two innocent children - that’s ruling by fear. I don’t know how people can see it any other way.

And Sansa, who was a child with the label of “traitor’s daughter” after Ned’s whole ordeal, should know how children can often get caught up in their parent’s political mishaps. While she wasn’t forced from her home, she also couldn’t go back to her home because it was taken from her family. And yet, knowing what she went through, she wants to do the same thing to Ned Umber and Alys Karstark. I’m saying it was a bad decision...and it didn’t make any sense.

The people Sansa really should have been critical of and kept a watchful eye over - were the Lords who were directly involved with not coming to House Stark’s aid. Manderly, Glover, Cerwin. They were the ones who truly turned their backs on House Stark. Ned and Alys however are innocent, weren’t the ones who betrayed the Starks (it was their fathers who are now dead) and they both showed up to court at Winterfell when they were called to do so! Ned and Alys left their homes and went to Winterfell - likely at Jon’s command - knowing there was a possibility they may be going to answer for their father’s crimes. But they dutifully went anyway. Ned and Alys just by being at Winterfell in 7x01 rather than holding up in their castles fearing the Starks - shows way more loyalty and faith than what Manderly, Glover, and Cerwin did before the Battle of the Bastards. This has nothing to do with Sansa’s previous experiences with betrayal and Ramsay’s savagery and whatnot. It’s just plain ignorance and stubbornness. And it may have earned her enemies in Ned and Alys should the North get divided between her and Jon (not that it ever would, but just saying).

Now, Anon 2

As stated, I don’t want to be in the Sansa fandom and don’t care. However, I think you’re severely mistaken when saying the Jonsa fandom is SMALL. They’re not. They’re all over the place on Tumblr and have pretty much taken over the Sansa Stark tag here. I honestly don’t know how her fans who are not Jonsas or don’t hate everyone else, Dany included, can even operate on this site because of all the bile they spew. I truly feel bad for the Sansa fans who are kind and enjoy other characters and don’t post hate. I really do. I don’t know how you guys stay sane. It seems like an even more difficult part of the fandom to reside in than being a Daenerys stan to be honest. But I want no part of it. I am a Daenerys blog, a Daenerys stan. I love other characters, but Sansa isn’t one of them - though I will acknowledge her wins and achievements when it is appropriate because I am not so lowly that I think everything Sansa does is a mistake and try to hate on her all the time. I can see when she’s done good and has a win and I will celebrate her wins with the rest of the fandom because I love Game of Thrones and ASOIAF and if Sansa has a win, then that’s great.

[dalishious]

@briannamorley Well I wasn’t going to respond to all your replies, but then I figured hell, if you felt the need to go through all my anti Celene shit to leave messages saying you disagreed, you must really value my opinion of your opinion, so who would I be not to?

briannamorley replied to your post “What ending should I take in WEWH? Last time I played I hadn't read...”

Love the page; disagree about Celine and Briala's relationship being toxic--save for her killing Bria's parents. I personally always reconcile them even if you weigh her over Gaspard, she's the lesser of two evils. Gaspard would do way more killing then a 1k elves plus, as far as the abuse we don't know the extent all Bria says is on days she was cruel, she imagined them being amongst the Dalish with Celine having to serve her.

So like... if having her parents murdered doesn’t cross a line for you into toxic territory, what does, then?

And re: “We don’t know the extent” of Celene’s treatment of Briala...

The black curls lightened to grey with the pre-dawn light, then slid to the light brown of cinnamon as the sun brought colour to the room. Dirt-brown, Celene had called it, when Briala had waited upon her as a girl. Horse-dung brown, an ugly shadow of Celene’s spun-gold locks. -pg 27

Briala, a WOC, grew up serving Celene, a white woman, comparing her hair to horse-dung. And had to just grin and bare it because that was her job, and her mother instructed her to be Celene’s friend.

“Maker, I envy you sometimes.” She knew immediately that she had said something wrong. She felt Briala stiffen, though her arms didn’t move, and Briala’s voice was light as she said, “The empress of Orlais envies an elven handmaid?” “You know what I mean, Bria.” Still holding her, Celene patted Briala’s back. “You could leave here, become someone else.” “As long as that someone is an elf,” Briala said with a dimpled smile, but Celene knew she was still hurt. “Yes, I know. But I... I was born to sit on that throne. I can’t do anything else. Since my parents and Lady Mantillon...” She trailed off. This time, Briala pulled away. “You would make a wonderful scholar,” she said as she stood and pulled her robe on, “at least until Emperor Gaspard made a decision you found objectionable. Then, I believe trouble would ensue.” She smiled over her shoulder. “You are probably right, my love.” Celene rose as well and pulled her own robe on, as if nothing were wrong. “And... I will consider Remache.” Briala nodded and slipped her mask into place, then left through the passage behind the mirror, and Celene sighed and fetched her little magical pot. She would be making her own tea this morning, it seemed. -pg 59

Celene hurts Briala, and her thought is how she’ll have to make her own tea.

Briala sat. “...The elves in Halamshiral are angry. Lord Mainserai killed a tradesman without justification, and the elves are calling for mien’harel.” At Celene’s silence, Briala added, “It is an elven word. When the humans go too far, the elves remind them that even a short blade must be respected. They—” “They will rebel,” Celene said, the words cutting through the chilly autumn air. “Against me. Now.” “It is not rebellion, Your Majesty.” Briala bowed her head and took a shaky breath, clutching at the griffon-head arm of her chair. This was exactly what she had feared. “The elves of Halamshiral have never seen you. Their grievance is with neither you nor Orlais. They only wish justice for a man of your empire who died without cause.” “What they wish is irrelevant.” Celene turned and stalked away from the window. “I am already fighting a war on two fronts. I cannot be seen to fight a war on three.” “Then don’t.” Briala rose, putting herself in Celene’s path. “Give them justice.” “A lord for the death of an elf? I... damn this thing.” With a quick jerk, Celene tore the mask from her face. Her face was flushed beneath, her eyes red from another night of little sleep. “Shall I declare the elves equal citizens before the Maker and the throne as well, while I’m at it?” “Why not?” Briala took her own mask off, stealing a quick moment to steady herself. “Unless you don’t believe that, and I’m just a jumped-up kitchen slut you haven’t tired of yet.” Celene turned away, tossing her mask onto an overstuffed couch and stalking to the great amber wall. “You know I cannot do that, Bria. I might as well engrave Gaspard’s initials on the throne.” Against the wall of gold and red, Briala’s empress and lover looked pale and wan. Celene had always seen sleep as an enemy, or at most a necessary evil, from what Briala could tell, and since the events in Kirkwall the stress of rising tensions had her awake before dawn almost every morning. If it were early enough, Briala could sometimes coax her into lovemaking, and the warm and drowsy bliss afterward would let Celene steal a few more hours of rest. Lately, even that had not been enough. Briala sighed. “I do know.” Instead of going to Celene, she went to the small table where Celene’s teapot sat, forever just shy of boiling. She poured Celene a cup of tea, brought it over, and gently touched Celene’s shoulder. It was not quite an apology. -pg 62

Briala fears having to ask Celene to enact justice. Celene says what the elves want is of no care to her. She then mocks the idea of elven freedoms. And “It was not quite an apology” my ass - Briala has nothing to apologize for.

What had happened at Halamshiral was a still-painful ache, but the elves had rebelled. Celene had done what she had to do. Had Briala been there, she might have been able to turn Celene to a different course, but Briala herself was the one who had left. It was not Celene’s fault that she had been manoeuvred into doing what she had done, any more than it was Briala’s fault for leaving Celene without the guidance she had wanted. -pg 167

Celene even has Briala convinced that she’s to blame for Halamshiral, because she wasn’t there to tell Celene otherwise. If one person in a relationship relies solely on another to guide their morals, yes, I would indeed call that toxic.

But anyway, these are just a few samples of Celene’s dismissive behaviour towards Briala. She only does the bare minimum to keep Briala at her side; she does not truly care about the elves.

briannamorley replied to your post “What ending should I take in WEWH? Last time I played I hadn't read...”

Also Bria has accepted that neither the city or Dalish elves see her as part of them; letting her rule with him as her mask--much like forcing them to work together--while interesting in theory, wouldn't last I don't think anyway. Ppl would get suspicious; Gaspard is a military strategist not an adept ruler

Briala goes from this:

Briala could not afford to spare tears for inevitable deaths. In that respect, she supposed that she was more like the nobles she served than the elves in the marketplace. The thought sometimes sickened her, but again, not as much as the thought of deaths she could have prevented. -pg 61

to this:

She had been in Celene’s court for too long. Too many years being called “rabbit,” too many years ducking her head and working from the shadows. Too many years of being proud of who she was, a feeling she could cling to like a floating log in a rushing river. It had kept her head above water, but it had never let her steer her own course. She would fight for her people, because nobody else would, and Fen’Harel take whoever got in her way. -pg 144

Briala’s whole character arc is about discovering who she is as her own person, and reconnecting with her people. Unless “has” was a typo for “had.”

Also, why is it unrealistic for Dalish and city elves to work together? Dalish elves go to the city, and city elves go to the Dalish all the time. In some cases you have clans that have very strong relationships with nearby alienages, such as Clan Boranehn and the Edgehall alienage in Knight Errant, for example.

briannamorley replied to your post “grandenchanterfiona: I don’t hate Celene because she’s a woman. I...”

Disagree not about the genocide or lying to Bria but everything else

...K?

briannamorley replied to your post “grandenchanterfiona: That’s it. Until proven otherwise the Masked...”

Nope to each their own though

...K?

briannamorley replied to your post “grandenchanterfiona: Celene is a straight guy’s idea of a lesbian....”

Stop... I can see if you were equating this to RR Martin but really???

Yes really lol

briannamorley replied to your post “I just read The Masked Empire and even though I knew how bad Celene...”

Theres disliking something and then there's bashing it to the point it becomes infuriating

Sorry guess we never received the guidelines one has to follow in terms of disliking something. Tell me, does it include going through a blog’s tags and leaving reply after reply that says basically the same thing?

briannamorley replied to your post “mllemaenad: jocelyntorrent: mllemaenad: … Okay, I don’t get it. ...”

Disagree but crazy tired so to each their own

Good thing you left another just plain ‘disagree,’ otherwise I might have gotten confused.

briannamorley replied to your post “So this by no means excuses Celene's actions whatsoever, but I noticed...”

Love orlais but again, to each their own

Cool cool I hate Orlais but to each their own. Perhaps I should find some random Orlais fan and spam their email notifications with replies saying as such, to make sure they know!

briannamorley replied to your post “lmao no, about 300 elves were brutally slaughtered, sweet summer...”

More than 300 but it does border on bashing

WTF does this one even mean?

briannamorley replied to your post “grandenchanterfiona: Celene has absolute power; she does not have a...”

If so say that from jump don't go on and on going from legitimate gripe to bashing... like damn I like both of y'alls pages but FUCK me this is exhausting

Then why are you reading through all this? And seriously, what is with this “bashing?” Is there some kind of internet slang I’m unfamiliar with? Because if you just mean bashing as in criticism that hell fucking yes I am critical of Celene. She has a lot of reasons for me to be.

briannamorley replied to your post “Remember that time when Michel de Chevin partook in the Academie des...”

Sigh... y es it was an oversight by them that shouldn't have happened but goddamn

“But goddamn...” what? Why is there a but? Why is there a but goddamn? Just... why, period?

Anyway, TL;DR:

[wherestarsfallaway]

I think... its pathetic im here again. Ive been doing better but also so much worse in alot of different ways. I think its been... 4 years since I’ve said anything on here. Maybe because Im just better at swallowing it all up. I think it is less painful than the last time i was here. But sometimes it just aches and doesn’t seem to go away. It’s different from the intense cracking I felt I was under at times. But somehow this one cuts deeper. I dont know how to describe this sense of alone. Mostly because I still dont know how to ask for help. I know its because when Ive asked for help before.. in my most desperate hours.. ive been utterly rejected.

Im embarassed of needing help. Im unable to reconcile that sometimes I need help and I cant even begin to describe what I want or what I need. I still like things to come out pretty. Even explanations of my hurting self. I can’t show it in all its ugliness. It has to be controlled chaos.

Im just tired of pretending mostly. And I can never seem to stop doing it. Even when I think im being raw and vulnerable and really looking deep into myself, the reality is I will literally explain to myself my own darkness. I used to think it was harmless. Trying to make meaning out of it meant I could also try to begin healing it... or understand it.

This is why this place is so cathartic. I dont have to make sense. I dont even know what my point is. I just say whats in my head. Even if its three million thoughts at once.

I always do this thing where I pull away and test to see if someone notices. But im always disappointed. Its this fine line between pretending enough that it isnt immediately obvious to that person Im upset, but also making sure I make an action every time that pulls me further away. But most of the time, I find myself just floating adrift in my own loneliness with only myself to blame and myself feeling that way. And that makes that space all the more apparent and painful. And most of the times, Im so far out. Im so far invested. I refuse to try to pull myself to shore. Even when I know no one else is trying to tug me back to the dock.

I know im destroying something. But id rather destroy it all than stop. I’m not sure myself why it is. Maybe Im still just afraid of asking for help. Maybe Im embarrassed I thought so highly of myself that anyone would care to notice or pull me back. Maybe Im just being a fucking idiot and playing the “im fine” card so hard, genuinely no one knows something is wrong and of course its my fault im feeling lonely because I literally gave no other sign otherwise.

I just realize... that Im so in tune to other ppls emotions (not saying that im always right. Im sure theres ppl who fooled me) but I am consciously trying hard to make sure I am in tune to people... that of course no one is in that tune with me. Its abnormal to care this much and put this much thought into any singular person. I just do it out of defense mechanisms.

The thing is. I feel like I drift from most everyone. But alot of times its my own accord. So why do i feel like ive lost so much when Im the one that started it all.

Maybe im just tired of hoping and being disappointed. Sometimes its not even that persons fault. Sometimes its entirely mine. But that feeling of losing... sucks.

I just want someone to stay

My fantasies are filled with people who would just... be with me more than I would ever want to be with them. I know its selfish. But havent I given up enough to want... just dream of one thing. Its not like Ill have it anyway... whats wrong with a little dream anyway.

I guess its when i try to turn that dream into a reality and realize... it was all fake. I cant actually find that life. I feel undeserving of love. How can I find someone to love me unconditionally...

Im tired. I dont know if thatll ever stop. I dont know if itll ever go away. Its hard for me to understand. I cant rationalize it. Im hitting higher peaks than before in terms of life goals. And yet in someways im more emotionally stunted.

I dont know how to trust people. And yet i crave relying on people...

I dont make sense

Im tired.

I used to be so angry. I cant even find the energy to be angry. Im just so over it all. I just want to sleep for a millon years.

Gnight

[cybernightwanderer]

I went over the “How to Recognize the Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse” article and heres whats familiar : 46 out of 64 Signs LOL

-Name-calling. They’ll blatantly call you “stupid,” “a loser,” or words too awful to repeat here. There were too many times my mom would come to my room yelling and threatning to beat, or actually beat me up and call me a whore and a piece of shit. Still does, just doesnt call me a whore now, just calls me stupid and a a piece of shit occasionally. -Character assassination. This usually involves the word “always.” You’re always late, wrong, screwing up, disagreeable, and so on. Basically, they say you’re not a good person. Everyday AALL DAY. Things i used or barely did as a child , and keeps trowing at as an adult. -Yelling. Yelling, screaming, and swearing are meant to intimidate and make you feel small and inconsequential. It might be accompanied by fist-pounding or throwing things. No need to even explain this. -Patronizing. “Aw, sweetie, I know you try, but this is just beyond your understanding.” “Ah nooo, youll never be responsible to have your own life” -Public embarrassment. They pick fights, expose your secrets, or make fun of your shortcomings in public. Yup...

-Dismissiveness. You tell them about something that’s important to you and they say it’s nothing. Body language like eye-rolling, smirking, headshaking, and sighing help convey the same message. Trying to explain to her i dont like something or i dont wanna do something and why, trying to explain certain things she does harms me. And i just get mocked and threatned instead. - Insults of your appearance. They tell you, just before you go out, that your hair is ugly or your outfit is clownish. Every single day. Also to a point that she did this many times in front of strangers, or in front of my friends.

-Belittling your accomplishments. Your abuser might tell you that your achievements mean nothing, or they may even claim responsibility for your success. Yup -Put-downs of your interests. They might tell you that your hobby is a childish waste of time or you’re out of your league when you play sports. Really, it’s that they’d rather you not participate in activities without them. I stopped practising my drawing skills because she would always say i had no future in drawing characters and shitty stuff. Even tho i was starting and practising. That i had no future in it. -Pushing your buttons. Once your abuser knows about something that annoys you, they’ll bring it up or do it every chance they get. Daily picking fights with me, the yells at me for fighting with her and misstreats me. -Threats. Telling you they’ll take the kids and disappear, or saying “There’s no telling what I might do.” Threatning to kick me off the house whenever i refuse to do something she tells me to. For example, a few years ago, i was barely holding on with a minimal wage , she would take a cut out of it, so there was this month i did a whole month without days off to try and gather money to go to barcelona. She knew i had money saved up and threatened to kick me off the house if i didnt give her extra 100 euros for house rent. Usually stuff like this always. -Monitoring your whereabouts. They want to know where you are all the time and insist that you respond to calls or texts immediately. They might show up just to see if you’re where you’re supposed to be. If i go out with my friends or stay in my friends houses, if i go to a concert or anything, she will non stop be calling me and texting until i reply. Even if i already told her who i would be with and where ( i have to tell her always ) And always have to tell what i am doing. If i dont she will be mad for weeks and take it out on me. -Digital spying. They might check your internet history, emails, texts, and call log. They might even demand your passwords. Like the previous one, she asks my aunt to sent her my ig stuff and fb stuff i post, so i had to remove my entire family from my social network. Because she would always come up to me daily “ ah u posted this why? “ wether it would be a selfie or a poem. And is always messaging me on whatsapp and humiliating me and crontrolling wich picture i post on whatsapp. I generaly like to post my user photo of whatsapp as something funny, wether its my face with a filter, or a funny meme. Two months ago i posted a guy with his ass pinned up, wich was hilarious. She kept yelling at me everymorning, and even threatned to hit me , to take the picture down , because it looked bad. The picture was something like this ( not this, but the pose kinda )

- Unilateral decision-making. They might close a joint bank account, cancel your doctor’s appointment, or speak with your boss without asking. ALWAYS does these kinds of things without my consent. I work 12h a day everyday, im always tired, and i barely have money , and she “trying to take care of me “ will settle apointments for really expensive doctors witouth asking me if i even want, and will get mad at me when i tell her to cancel , saying im a big girl that i have to do it, SO i have to take out sometype of time during my busy work day to make a call to cancel something she settled without even asking me , and will be mad for weeks and take it out on me calling me names and shit. And if i dont accept her “ lending me the money for the apointment “ she will get mad and call me ungratfull and stupid. -Financial control. They might keep bank accounts in their name only and make you ask for money. You might be expected to account for every penny you spend. Well yeah.. dont even need to say anything here. - Lecturing. Belaboring your errors with long monologues makes it clear they think you’re beneath them.  Or here... -Direct orders. From “Get my dinner on the table now” to “Stop taking the pill,” orders are expected to be followed despite your plans to the contrary. This daily basis. -Outbursts. You were told to cancel that outing with your friend or put the car in the garage, but didn’t, so now you have to put up with a red-faced tirade about how uncooperative you are. Always calling me lazy and shit for not doing HER OWN STUFF. -Treating you like a child. They tell you what to wear, what and how much to eat, or which friends you can see.  I am 30 years old. -Feigned helplessness. They may say they don’t know how to do something. Sometimes it’s easier to do it yourself than to explain it. They know this and take advantage of it. Whatever happends she always plays the pity party card “ ahh im old” , “ ahhh i had an aneurism ( even tho she has been fine for two/three years now LOL )”, “ ahh my blood pressure “ She used that as an excuse to always ditch arguments or important discussions when she is loosing, and if i dont shut up she will threaten to kick me off the house or beat me. For example the other day she was shamming me out of nowhere from trying to commit suicide, and i told her she was one of the main reasons. She immediatly started to call me names, tried to hit me, and trow me out of the car. -Unpredictability. They’ll explode with rage out of nowhere, suddenly shower you with affection, or become dark and moody at the drop of a hat to keep you walking on eggshells. She flips randomly during the day, im afraid to leave my room. Or that she will enter my room. -They walk out. In a social situation, stomping out of the room leaves you holding the bag. At home, it’s a tool to keep the problem unresolved. She humiliates me in public then randomly walks out. -Using others. Abusers may tell you that “everybody” thinks you’re crazy or “they all say” you’re wrong. She likes to tell her friends and our family how “ irresponsable”, “immature” and no good for nothing i am, and how i am LEECHING her off... LOL -Jealousy. They accuse you of flirting or cheating on them. Usualy when i game or sometimes, ppl call me and talk to me, and she will eavesdropp my conversation and enter my room to hear better, or later wait until i leave the room , to complain about how i treat my friends so well , and speak so well to them , and how it is possible that i talk to her bad all the time and treat her like shit (? LOL ) Well for starters my friends dont misstreat me or call me names, or try to humiliate me or control me LOL or even pick fights with me. She will get mad at me for not wanting to spend time with her, and spending time with my friends. That im ungratefull and a bad daughter. LOL -Turning the tables. They say you cause their rage and control issues by being such a pain. This, that its my fault. That its my fault everything. - Denying something you know is true. An abuser will deny that an argument or even an agreement took place. This is called gaslighting. It’s meant to make you question your own memory and sanity. For example the other day , olso on the car, with the suicide attempt talk, i was trying to explain why and i told her my most painfull memory of her, was her beating me up for not knowing how to solve a math problem in 3rd grade. That she punched me several times because she tought i had awnsered 7 instead of 1. And she started yelling at me saying i made that up and shit. Like bitch i was afraid of doing my homework home because you would beat the crap out of me, instead of teatching me LOL. She once again used the “ blood pressure “ excuse and tried to hit me and kick me off the car in mid highway. -Using guilt. They might say something like, “You owe me this. Look at all I’ve done for you,” in an attempt to get their way. Ahh this is a classic. She says i owe her everything she asks for because SHE BIRTHED ME AND RAISED ME. And she used this argument to manipulate me in everything. -Goading then blaming. Abusers know just how to upset you. But once the trouble starts, it’s your fault for creating it. Yup -Denying their abuse. When you complain about their attacks, abusers will deny it, seemingly bewildered at the very thought of it. According to her, she just does everything she does because she cares LOL. -Accusing you of abuse. They say you’re the one who has anger and control issues and they’re the helpless victim. LOLOLOL cannot say this enought, SHE ACCUSES ME of being the abusive one , simply because i talk back, because i dont wanna be around her and because i fight with her LOL. Even tho she starts the fights and im just defending myself from her. -Trivializing. When you want to talk about your hurt feelings, they accuse you of overreacting and making mountains out of molehills. Yup -Saying you have no sense of humor. Abusers make personal jokes about you. If you object, they’ll tell you to lighten up. Yup -Blaming you for their problems. Whatever’s wrong in their life is all your fault. You’re not supportive enough, didn’t do enough, or stuck your nose where it didn’t belong.  ALSO YUP -Destroying and denying. They might crack your cell phone screen or “lose” your car keys, then deny it. Tried to break my things numerous of times, or trash them or give them away. Wich she did. -Demanding respect. No perceived slight will go unpunished, and you’re expected to defer to them. But it’s a one-way street. Yup... She will  happly tell me how to dress saying what im wearing is ugly, i will politely tell her to stop, she will continue to give her “opinion” i will get tired and yell to stop , she will immediatly demand respect and tell me i have no right to talk back at her and that im disrespectfull and stupid. -Shutting down communication. They’ll ignore your attempts at conversation in person, by text, or by phone. Yup -Dehumanizing you. They’ll look away when you’re talking or stare at something else when they speak to you. Yup -Keeping you from socializing. Whenever you have plans to go out, they come up with a distraction or beg you not to go. Also Yup She wouldnt let me go out if i didnt do my bed, and would make up shit just so i wouldnt go out, until i got tired and gave up. -Trying to come between you and your family. They’ll tell family members that you don’t want to see them or make excuses why you can’t attend family functions. Well she constantly came in between my first real good therapist. I was finally seeing  a good therapist a few years ago. I was finally relieved and tought i could trust him, all of a suddent she demanded to be in the therapy sessions. So in the sessions instead of talking about what upset me and her constant mental abuse, the therapist gave in to her demands, and started adressing HER issues with me. I remenber the LAST time i decided to attend the doctor. He would first attend my mom , then me. So i came up, and he started his usual talks, and i wanted to talk to him that day about the nightmares i was having and if he could help me. And all of a suddent he cut the conversation off by saying “ ah wait so your mother tells be you have been staying a lot of time on your computer “ “ that you dont socialize with your friends and that you dont go out “ I mean i wonder why i get stuck in my pc and dont go out with my friends LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL She would always cut me off from meeting my friends, she would always control me, so i had less interest or courage to make friends year by year. And gaming was the only thing that brought me joy in my shitty depressed life coz i couldnt develop any interests. -Withholding affection. They won’t touch you, not even to hold your hand or pat you on the shoulder. They may refuse sexual relations to punish you or to get you to do something. She wil straight up give me the cold shoulder, ignore me if she is mad because i didnt do something how she wanted. When i had hand surgery, she refused to go with me, or get me. By me it was ok , she didnt need to go or anything. So after surgery i told the doctors i would take myself home, and why. And they didnt allowe me and still called my mom even thought i told them she wouldnt. She treated me so badly after picking me up from the hospital because they called her. -Tuning you out. They’ll wave you off, change the subject, or just plain ignore you when you want to talk about your relationship. Yup -Actively working to turn others against you. They’ll tell co-workers, friends, and even your family that you’re unstable and prone to hysterics. YUP -Calling you needy. When you’re really down and out and reach out for support, they’ll tell you you’re too needy or the world can’t stop turning for your little problems.  YUP -Interrupting. You’re on the phone or texting and they get in your face to let you know your attention should be on them. Yup -Indifference. They see you hurt or crying and do nothing. Yup - Disputing your feelings. Whatever you feel, they’ll say you’re wrong to feel that way or that’s not really what you feel at all. Yup