#also honestly a Lot of my art feels so bad and unfinished and embarrassing so im trying to unlearn that and just post that thang

[cheriboms]

not really sure how many (if any...??) ppl follow(ed) me for my "cole in veilguard/The Spirit Brothers" content, buuuut since my next main post is a more serious comic-y thing and is taking a while. if anybody has ideas for like some easy doodles in the meantime i would appreciate ;_; i dont want to burn out and also i love anyone who is nice to me bye <3

[silver-slates]

My thoughts on Disney's Wish (Spoilers)

Let me preface this by saying that I haven't heard all of the negative things that have been circling around the movie, but I've heard more than a few things that painted a pretty grim picture of the movie before I went to see it. I was going in expecting something akin to Strange World going in, which I really didn't like (and that's coming from someone who likes unique worldbuilding.)

After I left the theater yesterday, my thoughts were just, "This is the worst Disney movie of 2023?" I really didn't have any issues with it at all, and even if I usually tend to have a more positive outlook on movies I watch in comparison to others, I just have to say that this was NOT a terrible movie. Disney has had a LOT of blunders in 2023, but I can't say that this was one of them. I know that a lot of people out there might disagree with me or even hate me, but Wish made me feel something that I don't feel very often: magic.

It's hard for me to know what specifically to talk about since I don't know about all the criticisms the movie's gotten, though I do know about a few. The first one that sticks out to me is the movie's art style, and how some people have called it ugly and even unfinished looking. But... I honestly don't get it. Nothing strikes me as unfinished, and I never found the art style to be irritating. It was something new, and I thought it was fine. It uses shading and colors that are a bit flatter than some of their previous works, but I saw that as it being a sort of in-between of the 2D look of the classics and the 3D look of the newer movies. There was probably only one time where I noticed something was slightly off, and that was where Asha is waving around some flags at the beginning and having no motion blur or smear frames on it looked a little awkward. I can also understand how some of the shots can feel a bit flat, but once again that's something that makes it feel similar to the 2D classics.

Up next, I heard some things about some of the characters being trash. The main two I heard about were Asha and King Magnifico. Some of the main things I heard concerning Asha was that she's dorky and silly to a fault, and what I have to say to that is that although she's pretty silly at the beginning of the movie and sometimes it can be a bit embarrassing to watch, that's just Asha being Asha before the adventure kicks off. As the story progressed, I thought that she learned to be more serious over time as she learned the truth about the wishes and Magnifico and what she really wanted to do, and most of her antics after that point are mostly concerning the actions of other characters. I never felt like she was silly in places where it was inappropriate, and I actually ended up liking her a lot. As for Magnifico, I haven't heard anything specific about him other than the fact that he's supposedly the worst Disney villain of all time. But... I just don't see it. His motivations are believable (according to my standards), he's shown to be a narcissist who doesn't truly listen to other people's criticisms, and him turning from a king who wants to maintain order while very rarely giving people what they want into a power hungry madman who wants nothing more than for his subjects to bend to his will and lick his boots feels in character for him and it had the right setup. I thought that the supporting characters were all good as well, but my least favorite was probably Valentino. He was alright and he did his job, but he really felt like more of a gimmick than anything else.

The next thing I want to talk about is the music. I don't know if anybody's had a lot of bad things to say about it, but I thought the songs were great. After Encanto I was wondering what they'd have in store for this movie, because although Encanto had some banger songs there were one or two that I didn't really like. Not so for Wish though, because I liked every last song that was in the movie. I'm... not really sure what else to say here.

I heard about there being a few cameos in the movie as well, and I picked up on a lot of them as I watched it. But the references feel tasteful, not overblown and obvious, and something you'll really only notice if you're looking for it (except for the Peter Pan reference maybe, but that's just one.)

One last thing I want to talk about is how I've seen some people calling the film's main source of conflict something that makes Asha a bad person. Basically, they say that her mission goes against Magnifico's warnings of what could happen if everybody is allowed to keep their wishes and that there could be some serious consequences that she's too headstrong to consider. But... they address all these points in the movie. Even if someone's wish turns out to be a rotten one, you can always try to step in and make sure it doesn't get too out of hand.

And I think those are all the things I had to say concerning Wish. I personally feel like it paid some good tribute to the animated classics with its story and familiar themes, and it was a good way to celebrate 100 years of the Walt Disney company, though I'm well aware that there are plenty who disagree. If there are some things that I didn't cover or consider please let me know, and I'd like to hear what you all have to say about the movie as well.

[scribeofred]

Thanks to @onereyofstarlight for the tag!

 1. What fandoms have you written for?

This is embarrassing but I actually had to look at both FFnet and AO3 because I couldn’t remember all of them. TRON: Legacy, Assassin’s Creed, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit, Sherlock, Final Fantasy VII and XV and Kingsglaive, Voltron: Legendary Defender, Merlin, Skyrim, and, of course, Thunderbirds. I have a couple other fandoms that crop up in various wips, including a Tom Swift/Thunderbirds crossover that I really should finish.

2. How many works do you have on AO3 &/or FFNet?

FFnet has 45, and AO3 has 41. There’s also a couple stories lurking on tumblr, notably a final chapter for Reflection.

3. What are your top 3 fics by kudos on A03 &/or Favs on FFNet?

AO3 dominates in this area, if I can use a word like “dominates” for stories that have less than 125 kudos each haha. Oh well, the numbers don’t matter!

1.     118 kudos on tell the shades apart (my world is black and white)

2.     94 kudos on Reflection

3.     91 kudos on The 43rd Hour

4. Which 3 fics have the least kudos & Favs?

Again on AO3:

1 kudos on I Am You (And You Are Me)

5 kudos on The Dragonborn Chronicles

6 kudos on cynosure

5. Which Fic has the most comments and which has the least?

Reflection has the most at 29 threads, and I Am You (And You Are Me) has the least at zero.

6. Which complete fic do you wish had gotten more attention?

Lodestar, definitely. Sure, it’s for something of a rarepair, but they aren’t that rare, and I just really really like the way the story came together. On the other hand, of course my unfinished Merlin fic has gotten probably the most attention, because that’s just the way it goes, eh?

7. Have you written any crossovers?

None that I’ve published! I have various crossovers lurking in mostly unfinished states, including the aforementioned Tom Swift/Thunderbirds crossover, and an Assassin’s Creed/Thundeerbirds crossover that is very good and I should also finish. There’s an Expanse/Thunderbirds fic lurking in my brain that I may or may not ever commit to paper, who knows. I’ve also very vaguely toyed with a Batman/Thunderbirds crossover, in the sense that “nebulous” is too strong a word for the kind of toying I’ve been doing.

8. What is the craziest fic you’ve written?

I don’t really write crazy or crack or humor in general, so probably the closest thing to “crazy” is On the Lam, which was the result of wanting to throw Scott and Penelope toward an Egyptian stud farm. It ended up being the host for a bad joke about that, courtesy of one @thebaconsandwichofregret, who consistently gives some of the best dialogue advice I’ve ever encountered.

Actually, the true answer is probably a chapter in Glimpses into a Supernova, maybe the one about blood? It seems bonkers when I think back on it now, but I admittedly haven’t read it in many years. Possibly I am misremembering. Glimpses has some weird ones, though.

9. What’s the fic you’ve written with the saddest ending?

It’s a tossup between The Painting and a place where the water touches the sky. The former deals with a prior off-screen death; the latter is (maybe??) an on-screen death. People seemed upset by it, at any rate. I said it was ambiguous!

10. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

“Happy” is probably a matter of perspective? Depends on the overall reading experience and the ending within that context. Either septet or Three Towels and a Tracy, they’re both pretty fluffy overall.

11. What is your smuttiest fic?

protoinstincts, which I completely forgot I wrote and then rediscovered like a year later and realized “hey, this is actually pretty good” and you know what, despite it not being overly spicy, it is pretty good.

12. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not hate, per se, but someone left a review on Less Than Nothing saying they “didn’t like” that I “wrote the story as a series of drabbles.” Cool, I didn’t write the story for you, random guest reader, and the back button exists, friend 😂 It didn’t bother me on a personal level because I wrote the fic for an audience of one (incidentally, not myself and rather the recipient of a secret santa event), but I was mad because the reviewer had no way of knowing where I was at as a writer, and I know from longtime observation how that kind of comment can crush less experienced or confident writers.

Don’t leave flames, kids, you don’t understand the power your words have. Don’t like, don’t read.

13. What is the nicest comment you’ve received?

The nicest? Goodness. Hmm. I’d have to go hunting to find the nicest, but in recent memory, @ayzrules sent me a couple passages from Spanish texts she’s been studying that reminded her of my writing, and I was honestly so touched by the fact that she even thought to make such comparisons, much less mention them to me. Taking the time to familiarize yourself with someone’s style until you can make comparisons between it and someone else’s work is so much more meaningful to me personally than a basic “Nice story!” or “Loved this!” type of comment ever could be. <3 Ayz <3

14. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I’m aware of, but I’ve never gone looking on any sort of copycat site or whatever either.

15. How many fics do you have marked as incomplete?

Two. First is The Dragonborn Chronicles, which is a retelling of Skyrim from Lydia’s perspective via her journal, to complement the in-game journal. It’s a slog of a style to write, though, even for someone who loves writing first person and doesn’t really want to write a lot of dialogue, and the outline is huge, and the story will be many times more huge, and just. Some day. Some day.

Second is tell the shades apart (my world is black and white), which has always been unfinished because the outline itself is over seven thousand words and the fully written story would undoubtedly land between 100,000 and 200,000 words, and there’s no way I’m writing that. I’ve always meant to upload the outline, but I got kind of self-conscious about the way I formatted it, and ugh I just haven’t bothered. One day, one day, right?

Moral of the story is I’m intensely a short story writer, and I’ve really found myself settling into that role over the last couple years. Better a clipped, punchy short story than a bloated slog of an epic.

16. Which of the WIPS will most likely be finished first?

Literally no one knows that. I wrote 95% of the observable entropy of a closed system over five years ago, and then I proceeded to pull it out roughly once a year and write and rewrite various endings until last month, which was when I finally figured out how I wanted to end the story. septet, too, languished for about five years before I finally remembered it existed and managed to wrangle an ending. Endings are hard, man. So are those third plot points. Terrible creatures, those, bog me down every time.

17. Which WIP are you looking forward to finishing?

Uh... mm. See. If I were looking forward to finishing any of them, I’d be actively working on them. At this moment, writing fic isn’t exactly high on my list of priorities, but I am also coming off a four-day idle game bender, so I still feel like I haven’t quite reengaged with myself as a living person. Give me another few days and I might have an answer.

(I am always most looking forward to finishing this ridiculous Ignis-drives-the-Audi-R8 fic that’s been languishing in my wips for literal years. As mentioned above, third plot points. Killer, man.)

(oh and also the working-titled the art of murder. Scott and Penny attend a private art auction. Things don’t go to plan. It, too, is stuck at the third plot point. I know, I know I have a problem, shush.)

18. Is there a WIP that you’re considering abandoning?

Any wip has the potential to be revived—this year and the old wips I’ve unearthed, dusted off, finished, and posted have been proof of that. I don’t intentionally permanently abandon anything for that reason, some stories just probably will remain dusty old wips forever because I didn’t actually need or want to write the full story for one reason or another.

19. Which complete fic would you consider rewriting?

Now that’s an interesting question. Hmm! Honestly? None of them. Once I finish a story, I’m not inclined toward rereading it again any time soon, to the point of years in some cases, and I feel like I’ve moved on from the stories I wrote one, two, five, eight years ago in the actual writing sense. They’re finished stories, and on top of that are relics of their time, which doesn’t mean the stories don’t have any ongoing significance on a reading level—I just don’t have any interest in rewriting those particular stories. I’ve gotten them out of my head, to the point of not remembering at least a third of them on demand anymore, and I don’t have any desire to “retell” those exact stories. I do tend to tighten the wording and fix perceived errors/weaknesses whenever I do end up rereading an old story, and I usually silently update the AO3 version if I make any significant changes because AO3 makes it a breeze to update a posted fic. I might do FFnet too if I’m feeling up to it or have the time.

20. Which complete fic is your favourite?

Once upon a time I would’ve said Holding On, but I honestly find it kind of unbearably melodramatic now. the observable entropy of a closed system is equally melodramatic, as it was written in the same era, but at least it has the excuse of being told in second person and via a style that is a half step away from being poetry. Possibly I will reread it in a few years and find it equally obnoxious and overly dramatic, but it received some shockingly positive comments, which I wasn’t expecting at ALL, and I’ve been honestly blown away by the amount of praise it’s received. <3 to everyone who’s said anything about it!

21. What’s your total published word count?

141,000 on AO3, 160,000 on FFnet, but technically the light of my life SS wrote fifty thousand words of each. It’s too late for math.

 I tag @velkynkarma, @lurkinglurkerwholurks, @writtenbyrain, @thebaconsandwichofregret, and anyone else who wants to play!

[diffuserlover]

🌊✨🌊✨🌊✨🌊✨🌊✨🌊✨🌊✨🌊✨

Hey there bub<33 how’s your summer going?? I was wondering if I could request a ship with Txt and Enhypen ?

I’m a ‘04 liner and, as a South Asian, am extremely proud of my heritage and culture. I can accept other cultures easily and love to learn about them so someone who is respectful and open about other cultures and heritages would be ideal. I feel that I want someone that I can kind of match with too like me and him could wear the same aesthetic and take cutesy pictures. I have a deep interest in the arts, from painting to dance-which I have been doing for the past 11 years- as well as biology and science in general. I don’t really have a specific favorite color or season cuz I think every color has its own vibes and every season brings something new to the table :)) I’m a bit indecisive and pretty bad at expressing jealousy, though I do put great emphasis on communication in any relationship. My love language is quality time but I do reserve physical affection for those close to me. I’m also a inconsistent in my endeavors and am working on that trait of mine, but I do better with consistency if I have someone constantly motivating me. (Lol the unfinished paintings in my room could probably tell u that) I also love public speaking and such but only until my social battery runs out haha. Plus I have an easier time trying something new if I have the comfort of a warm loved one near me. I prefer sunny blue skies and warm days with a light breeze, major picnic vibes lol. I can be a bit guarded though with what I say, even to the people who care about me the most, so I get along well with people who won’t misunderstand me. My parent’s , especially mom’s, opinion really do matter to me a lot and I am someone who thrives in social environments and cares about keeping a respectful and kind reputation towards all. I'd also love it if I could go on and on about different theories and topics , deep or not, with him. I need constant mental stimulation in a relationship and honestly, without it, I just get bored. I want to be able to learn from him and I want him to be able to learn from me. Like to just be a couple that is always trying and doing something new, but I also want to be able to relax with him as well when the world gets overwhelming. I feel that I, myself, have a hard time grounding myself so someone who can help me keep my feet on the ground and head in the clouds would be nice. I'm either totally logical when it comes to matters of the heart or totally head in the clouds. It's something that I am working on, but I do acknowledge that. As for pet peeves, I can't stand it when people come to me with an issue that I already tried to help them solve and they don't even take my solution. I need someone who is going to at least try to take my advice and not just throw it down the drain. Again, at times I can run away from my emotions and just be detached for no reason..I need someone who understands that and knows how to handle that. I like it when my loved ones are a little argumentative with me as well, as light teasing though, rather than being all sappy and lovey-dovey all the time. I need someone who isn't going to get too hurt by my way of joking and can joke back but knows not to cross the line. Fun fact: my friends unanimously agree that I’m the color yellow :))) and one of my fav movies is “Your Name”

Ahh sorry I tend to go a bit overboard 😅 but thank you so much <33 Hope you have a wonderful day/night 💕

Hii! Thank you so much for requesting!! I am so sorry that this took so long! Thank you so much for being so sweet😭🤗 I really hope you like your ships!! :)

TXT:

I ship you with…

Yeonjun

I feel like you guys are a great fit!😄

Yeonjun would love to take cute photos with you and dress anyway you want him to for those photos😊

Because you said you want someone who you can learn from I feel like Yeonjun would be a great fit, you said you liked dancing so I feel he would try to teach you new moves or the choreography to one of his songs😇

You both hold off in communication when it comes to jealous but overall your communication in the relationship is great other than when he’s busy with his schedules🙃

Yeonjun is your #1 hype man, he will do anything to comfort you, motivate you, anything, he will be there for you. Though he does expect for you to do the same🤣

I feel like he can always tell when your social battery has run out and does anything he can to make you feel better😚

He loves how you hold yourself, how strong, confident, and mature you are😁

He adores listening to your little rants about the topics you like, if he doesn’t know about them he will always listen and probably look up more about it so you guys can talk about it together🥰

You said you like when your s/o teases you, Yeonjun is that s/o, he loves having little arguments/teasing fights that are always fun🤗

You guys have the most stupid inside jokes only you two would understand it confuses the others😆

Overall, your relationship with Yeonjun is never boring and you guys are the cutest together😚

Enhypen:

I ship you with…

Jake

I think he would be very interested in your culture and asks you to teach him about it😊

He would hype you up when taking photos to the point where your embarrassed😆

He expects you to hype him up as well but he gets shy really easy😁

He is quite touchy with you, he only does it when you seem comfortable with it😚

Jealousy is a bit of a problem in your relationship because you both don’t express or talk about your jealousy well🙃

He’s always by your side when you are out in public, though you do most of the talking when it comes to strangers he likes being close to you😭😭

He will drag you out of bed across the floor to help motivate you to do things like finish some of your paintings(he adores them and plus loves your cute face when your focused)🤣

You and Jake have easy conversations, nothing is never awkward and you could talk for hours about either serious stuff or is things like of a straw has one or two holes☺️

You guys are quite adventurous 🤗

You guys push each other to do things😊

Jake hates when you push back your emotions and don’t let anyone in, he just wants to help you and he doesn’t k ow how to help you when you don’t tell him what’s wrong🥺

At first he had absolutely no idea how to help you when you pushed away from him🙂

Jake seems like a big romantic but he also loves to tease you and joke around with you😇

Overall you and Jake have such a precious relationship and you guys really understand each other🥰

[moonb-eam]

Hi! I just started reading your fics. You're such an amazing writing. Do you have any writing advice? Also what books/movies/TV shows have influenced your writing?

ahh hello darling!! 🧡🧡🧡 these are such lovely questions thank you so much!! 

okay, so i answered a fanfic ask about writing advice here a little while ago, but i’ll reiterate a few points, and add some new ones!!

i do want to say that these tips are just my opinion, and writing, like any other form of art, is so specific in process to each individual writer that what works for me definitely won’t work for everyone 🧡

(these are going to be very general and conceptual, but if you’d like some more technical “craft” advice then please let me know!!)

1. i’m going to keep repeating this until i die - the most important thing is to write, as basic as that sounds! i know some people who write every single day - i don’t, i find that exhausting - but i do try to write as often as i can, even if it’s something i observe on the bus to work that i write down on my phone, or it’s a single line for an opening of a new story. for me personally, i find it important to keep that part of my brain exercised, which is actually why i started writing fan fiction in the first place - so i could make deadlines for myself and keep writing in the midst of a terribly depressing job search, so i don’t lose that part of myself.

2. now, that being said, there are some days where writing just straight up doesn’t work. i sit down at my laptop and i have no words inside of myself, and it’s so frustrating when that happens, especially when you only have certain times of the day/week/month dedicated to writing. when that happens, i don’t force it. i have a friend in edinburgh who bakes every time he’s frustrated with a story - he says it always helps him to methodically create something and see it come to fruition, so he doesn’t feel so mentally stuck whenever he returns to his story. i have another friend who draws whenever she hits a writing snag. for myself, i like to go for runs whenever that happens  - it helps me clear my head and sometimes, gives me new ideas. writing is something that doesn’t just happen at the computer or the notebook. it’s happening constantly, with the media you consume, the interactions you observe, the new words you learn, the  fragments of ideas that pass through your mind. so yes, the actual writing of the words is critical, but so are all the other parts, and above all, it’s so important to take care of your mental state before anything else.

3. it’s also important to read a lot!!! there is no better inspiration that consuming the work of authors you really love and admire! i pretty well always have a book on me, and in the rare moments that i don’t, you know i’ve got ao3 loaded on my phone

4. rules and conventions exist for a few reasons, and one of those reasons is so they can be broken. so often young writers are told time and time again to find their “voice” or their distinct writing style, and what can happen is they feel pressured into boxing themselves up so early in their career - for example, in my master’s program, i wrote mostly science fiction, and was essentially labelled “science fiction girl” - that’s not necessarily a bad thing, because i love sci-fi, but i felt like i could never step outside of that box, because the people in my workshop would say, “this doesn’t feel like you” - but i didn’t even know who i was as a writer at that point, and honestly i still don’t - writing fan fiction has actually been really good for me to experiment with my prose and see how readers react to it. what i’m saying is, try something new, try whatever interests you, whatever you think may be cool, and if it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t, but don’t let yourself be swayed by what you think people may want to see from you. does that make sense? always remember that you’re writing for yourself before anyone else

5. the “don’t be afraid to write badly” advice is overused, but that’s because it’s important. i have a bad habit of self-editing as a write, which means writing a first draft can take me ages. sometimes, the best thing you can do is try to let go, and just let yourself put the words down without overanalyzing them. i described it in a group chat as “no thoughts, only words” asdfjkdf - when i first started in my workshop in edinburgh, i was terrified to write anything that wasn’t perfect, as though i would be judged for it. but the best thing you can do, is to show unfinished, imperfect work to people you trust. it is inherently embarrassing to share your writing, to let people see the inside of your heart, more or less, but it is the best way to improve - to get feedback, and to take it into consideration for your own work. not all feedback is good feedback, but all of it should be listened to! (conversely, if you’re ever asked for feedback, it’s so important to learn the distinction between being critical and being constructive)

6. this is getting quite long 😬 so i think i’ll do just one more - in the midst of practicing writing, receiving feedback, drafting and editing, i think it’s important to remember that, on a base level, what we do is tell stories, and that’s something that is really special. the act of writing isn’t always fun. editing certainly isn’t always fun, but telling stories is. finding new ways to look at the world is. discovering something new about a character is. what i mean to say is, get excited about your own work. get excited by your own ideas. those moments of excitement, for me, always help to carry me through some of the rougher bits

and now for a bit of inspiration!!

there are a lot of writers whose work i really admire - i would never say i’m as good as them asdfjk but i think they all have influenced me in one way or another

for novelists, i’m really inspired by madeleine miller, erin morgenstern, cherie dimaline, maggie stiefvater, leigh bardugo, ursula leguin, kurt vonnegut, mary shelley, shirley jackson, thomas king and kazuo ishiguro 

then there are some writers who do short stories and more experimental work, who have influenced me more in the last year or so: helen mcclory (i highly recommend everyone check out her work!!), shane jones (specifically the short novel light boxes), leanne shapton, and susannah m. smith (specifically the fairy tale museum)

and poets!! anne carson, richard siken, pablo neruda, amanda lovelace, i know there are more i’m forgetting....damn it

then there are a few illustrators/comic artists whose work really inspires me, such as tom gauld, emily carroll, tove jansson (moomins!!) and again i just know there are more i can’t think of!!! 😫

okay, okay lastly film and tv: i love any work by guillermo del toro, jane campion, alfred hitchcock, hayao miyazaki (so i LOVE your icon!!) and joe wright (except the peter pan film...we don’t talk about that...) i also think phoebe waller-bridge and dan levy are such stellar tv writers and i am very, very jealous of them - and OF COURSE skam, and all its iterations 🧡

(and if you browse through my “fic rec” tag on here, everything on there is from incredibly talented writers!!)

alright this got very long, I'm sorry about that!! but i hope there’s something in here that speaks to you in some way ✨ best of luck to you in your writing, and please drop by my inbox anytime if you’d like to talk more about it!! 😚

[slut-for-fandoms]

Paint me yours (kth x reader) PART 1

Pairings: Artist!Taehyung x reader

Genre: smut, fluff, angst (in the following chapters) 

Summary:  You are an art college student who struggles with finances. Until one day, on an exhibition of the arising artist Kim Taehyung, when the same boy offers you a job as his model. Would it be just a simple job or would it complicate your life in ways you have never thought it would?

Warnings: none in this one (perhaps my bad writing and lots of mistakes?) 

A/N: So here is the first chapter. I really don’t know what to think about it as i haven’t written anything in more than a year (so sorry guys but now I am back, yey) I really do hope you like it and please let me know what you think and whether you would like to be tagged in the series ♥ Enjoy 

Euphoria. Excitement. Happiness. Exaltation. A complete symphony of colors and emotions. Blue, purple, violet, azure - blended in such a way that glues you to the masterpiece. At places it seems unfinished, raw, as though the creator has been in a hurry. But at the same time it is so detailed that you wonder how long it took him to create it. It represents a woman, or to be more precise, a young girl. Long hair composed with ochre, amber, honey and a hint of gold, covers half of her pale face. Her lips are the perfect combination of red, cheery, wine and auburn. An orderly chaos of colors.

While everything seems just as raw painting, the most capturing features are the eyes. They are so detailed and express the condition of the girl. The sparks that make her look tangible grabs you on a roller coaster of thoughts and feelings and somehow makes you even experience the same state.  I move to the next painting.

Sadness. Affliction. Pain. Torment. The contrast between the used shades is much deeper. Pale yet dark. The more I look at it, the more it captivates me. All of the creations I saw were beyond amazing, complete masterpieces but this one… This one is different. One look and I got this strange feeling in my guts when we anticipate something bad, something that might hurt us.

The background is composed of dark shades, while the girl is sculpted of the pale range of colors. Again, the most detailed parts are the eyes. You get the feeling as if a soul was trapped inside the drawn girl that shows how much she suffers. The more you contemplate, the more you assume that the darkness around her represents the cruel world, while the bright yet shaded colors shows how fragile and broken she is. Is it from the world? What destroyed her? Who made her look like a shattered vase which parts are no longer going to form its beautiful shape?

Holding my glass of champagne I took some steps back and sat on the settee opposite the painting. Thanks god it wasn’t that low as they use to be in other galleries. I crossed my legs which caused the hem of my black dress to roll up slightly. As an art student, I tend to visit many exhibitions in order to get inspiration, gain knowledge of the new and unorthodox styles and improve mine. I can’t say I am complaining as we are given free access to any kind of such events. This is beyond amazing as now I am contemplating the art of one of the rising artists – Kim Taehyung. Honestly, I have never seen him but the critics consider him the new Van Gogh and now I understand why.

When I came I was so uneven about it, all the people here were rich and classy and I, a broken student with a cheap dress borrowed from her friend, had no place here. Everything was out of my league and I felt like garbage disfiguring this place.

“You seem really immersed into the picture.”, someone chucked, bringing me out of my thoughts. I looked up and saw man in golden suit and two glasses of champagne in his hands. His smile was so bright, genuine, that it made me blush slightly, “May I?”, he titled his head towards the settee as if asking if it was free.

“Ye- yeah, of course”, I stuttered and put a lock of fallen hair behind my ear.

His smile grew bigger and he took the free seat next to me.

“Here.”, he gave me one of the glasses. I looked up at him confused, “I saw that you have already finished yours so…”, I looked at my glass which was empty. I might have stayed there for a way longer time that I have thought. I left the glass on the floor next to the settee.

“Thank you.”, I gave him a smile, although inside I was feeling embarrassed, “Very fond of you.”, I said after taking the offered glass.

“Well, I just wouldn’t have forgiven myself if I have left such a beautiful lady sitting here by her side. The champagne was just an excuse to approach you.”, I bit my lip and tried to hide myself due to the blush that crept on my face.

“You are even more appealing when blushing.”, okay, I have never believed I could become so red but here I am.

“Please, stop.”, I stuttered through the smile that just grew bigger on my face.

“Why?”, he tilted his head and asked me with that sweet smirk still placed on his face, his eyes never leaving my figure, “you don’t like honest people?”, as a response I chuckled and tried to gain my dignity and look at him. Why was I such a blushing mess around this… stranger…a handsome stranger?

“It is just that you are the first one to approach me this evening.”, a slight feeling of sadness made my stomach turn as I recall the events, pardon, the lack of them from this night. I started playing with my hands as something as pity overwhelmed me.

“Well-”, his deep baritone voice made me look at him. This time he was facing the painting in front of us which gave me the opportunity to survey him. Soft pink lips, sweet roundy nose, medium long light eyelashes. Skin in the color of bronze and a golden suit that make him look like a god. Aristocratic hands with long fingers, adorned with rings. The way he is holding the glass gives you the thoughts that a prince is sitting oppose you, “It is their lose.”, he states after locking his eyes with mine. And then I’m completely lost. They are just like the sad girls’ in the paintings – full of emotions. I see the same spark that leads directly to his soul. It captivates you. There is love, care, tenderness that make my heart skips a beat. But also you can spot something wild and intriguing. An abyss of feelings kept locked deep inside.

He took a sip of his champagne which caught my attention and made me break the eye contact. How could such a simple action as drinking makes me wanna grab the brushes and paint this gorgeous creature on the canvas?

“I can’t say I am complaining of that.”, I followed his movements and took a taste of my drink, “They seem like they are here only for talking. All of them are just chit-chatting and just at times spare a glance at the paintings. It – It just looks like a gathering of the rich and bitchy class.”, suddenly he burst into laughing. Oh that sound… It was like a soft melody for my years I could listen to all day. It was so infectious and addicting.

“What?”, I asked confused but with a smile plastered on my face.

“I couldn’t have said it more correctly. I’ve met everybody in the gallery and yet you are the only one contemplating the works.”

“Isn’t that what we are supposed to do on an exhibition? But apart from that, these paintings, these masterpieces…”, I took a breath like looking at the sad girl opposite me, “they are captivating. There is life in them, there is soul. Undoubtedly the artist is one of the best I’ve ever come across. Many have the ability to draw, few have the talent to create a masterpiece, something that makes you stop and think. And these here, they indeed convey more than a hundred words.”

“And where do you think that comes from?”, he asks me in that deep voice of his. I turn my attention back on him to see the man already looking at me with a stern expression showing nothing.

“The ability to make a painting live?”, he nodded his head in agreement, “Pain.”

“Pain?”

“Pain. It is always the pain. Why do you think the greatest artists are those who have suffered the most?  Sadness, sorrow, ache, agony… they are different than the other feelings. When something good happens to you, you are happy for a short moment. Usually those moments tends to be forgotten way easier than the moments that our soul was in pain. It is just that the affliction we bottle inside us ruins us in the end. The knots in our stomach, the suffocating feeling in our chest… they are tormenting us and we all need a way to express them somehow, to try to get them out of us. And the answer is always the art. It doesn’t matter whether it would be with a brush or a pen in our hands, if we are going to compose a poem, song or just draw something.  We just want the pain away. For its tight fist around our hearts to weaken, for its dark thoughts to leave us at peace at night, for the tears to stop rolling down and choke us.”, I paused in order to take a sip of my champagne, feeling his eyes following my movements, “That is one of the reasons why I like this one so much.”, I continued pointing at the work before us, “It look as if not only the model had been sad, but also the artist.”, when I turned around he had a sad smile on his face. For a moment I saw the abyss – full of sorrow and regret, pain and affliction.

“You can’t be more right.”, and once again, as he looked up, the door to his soul closed with that stern expression, “That is why I don’t know whether I like this work or not.”

“It recalls a bad event?”

“It recalls the day I painted her.”

My eyes were so wide that surely they were going to pop out of my head. I opened my mouth, then close it, then opened it again. I was so shocked that I could say nothing.

“I still remember how heartbroken she was.”

“You- you are the artist?”, my voice raised an octave higher and I cursed myself.

“Surprised?”, he asked smiling at my shocked expression.

“You just caught me off guard.”

And then the rest of the night kind of slips my mind. I don’t really know how long we’d been talking through various topics. Whatever felt like hours had only been half an hour once I saw the watch on my hand.

“Unfortunately, as a host, I need to make a speech. It was nice to meet you -”

“(Y/N)!”, answering I took his hand as he helped me get up from the settee.

“(Y/N).”, he said tasting my name and I could not miss the way his tongue rolled and the deep voice that sent shivers down my spine, “A beautiful name for a way more gorgeous girl.”

“Why are you trying to make my blush so hard?”, I asked trying to hide my face.

“I don’t know. I just like it.”, he shrugged with a smile, “Can I ask you something, (Y/N)?”, is it just me or he just lowered his voice on purpose while saying my name.

“O-Of course.”, out of nervousness I started playing with my own hands which only made his smirk grow bigger.

“Would you like to be my model, darling?”

[jessethejoyful]

the real super secret chapter

okay here’s the art school au blurb with the link and the whole thing

this isn’t an epilogue so much as it’s a continuing blurb, which I hope to do more of, within the bounds of that fic. I hope to do some featuring penny and agatha as well :)

read it here on ao3

words: 2,040

SIMON

I genuinely don’t know how I let Baz talk me into this. Maybe it’s just because I’m weak. Weak when it comes to him, absolutely. And I’ve never been good at saying no to anyone.

When he asked me, I was actually flattered. He’s always shy with me, especially about this, and I thought it’d be a nice way to maybe make us more comfortable around each other.

“It won’t take that long,” he’d said, looking sheepish as he sat across from me at our table in Penny’s bakery. We were waiting for her to get off, so we could go see a gallery a town over for an artist that she loves. “It might be a little awkward, but I think you’d enjoy it in the long run. Maybe. I understand if you don’t want to though -”

“Baz,” I’d said, cutting him off and reaching across the table to grab his hand. “I’d love to. Just tell me when, and I’ll be there.” He’d smiled, and everything was grand.

So that’s how I find myself, a few days later, completely nude, hunched over in a chair in Baz’s sitting room. I can feel my legs starting to shake, and the crick in my neck is already so sharp I’m worried I’ll never be able to straighten it again. There’s a very bright lamp shining up at me from the floor, which I can’t imagine looks very good but Baz had seemed satisfied when he’d placed it.

He’s a few feet away, perched stiffly on his stool and his hand brushing in quick, constrained strokes across a canvas. It had taken him nearly an hour just to sketch everything in, and we’re already pushing into two.

Every time I try to say something, he shushes me. I want to snap that I can talk without moving the rest of me, but I’m not trying to pick a fight. I’m just antsy. He’s got music playing over his speakers, soft indie music that I don’t know very well, and I’m brimming with pointless chatter. I want to focus a little less on my aching limbs, or the fact that I’m posing naked for my posh painter boyfriend, who’s only been my boyfriend for two months.

It’s been great, don’t get me wrong. He’s pretty fucking singular, and if I’m being honest, I’m a little obsessed with him. I think he knows it. But he eats it right up, smug git that he is. And I think he’s a little obsessed with me too, so it kind of balances out.

His aunt randomly showed up to visit at the end of December, just out of the blue, no warning. He’d decided to stay here with me for Christmas, instead of returning to his family’s manor (that’s what he called it - Pitch manor. I think he’s richer than I realized, considering his career choice), and his family was apparently none too happy about it. So Fiona just appeared, banging on his door on Boxing Day and demanding he visit with her.

As it turned out, he hadn’t actually told his family why he was staying, just told them he wouldn’t be home. Fiona lamented this to me after we were introduced (me as “Simon, my friend from school,”), really laying it on thick (“So ungrateful! We’re his family! What would my poor late sister say?!” - fun way to discover his mother’s dead), but Baz just rolled his eyes.

“For fuck’s sake, Fiona,” he said, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch from me and crossing his legs. I tried to make it look like we hadn’t just been curled up there together, kicking the blankets off and folding my legs beneath me. “Can you blame me for not wanting to deal with Malcolm and Daphne? They’re exhausting at the best of times, and I just didn’t feel like it. Alright?”

Fiona’s eyes moved slowly to me, and I immediately felt a thrill of fear go up my spine, which was ridiculous, but she’s kind of scary, with this mad white streak of hair tucked into her ponytail and a nose bridge piercing. “Oh, no,” she said, smirking and sitting back in her seat, “I can’t blame you at all. Not one bit.”

Baz didn’t seem bothered, unshakeable as he is, but I was quaking. I also didn’t know if his family knew he was gay. Fiona seemed cool, but Baz is cagey at the best of times, and we’d only been together officially for about a week at that point.

“So, Mr. Snow,” Fiona began.

“Just call him Simon,” Baz snapped at the same time that I said, “Yes ma’am!?” He glared at me like it was my fault his aunt looked like she could murder me with her pinky finger.

“Simon,” she simpered, waving a hand in the air and still smirking, and I thought sneers might be hereditary. “What’s your concentration in, Simon?”

I honestly couldn’t tell if she was mocking me or not, but when I glanced at Baz, he gestured at her tiredly and nodded. “Well - my degree’s in digital animation, specifically 2-D. I do a lot of cartoons otherwise, comics and stuff, but I’m planning to work in animation after uni.” She actually seemed pretty interested and asked me some more about my work, and told me she’d love to see something of mine sometime. I agreed happily, and I could tell Baz was kind of impressed we were getting along so well.

She’d brought a Christmas gift with her (a new mug, this one printed with the words ‘Don’t touch me, peasant’ on the side, which I thought was actually fitting), and told me she would’ve brought me something if she’d realized Baz’s new friend was so chill. Baz actually had a gift for her too, a couple of old vinyls wrapped really nicely, and she seemed pretty excited (It took me a while to decide whether or not Baz actually likes his aunt - I finally determined that he does, but it seems like his family doesn’t really know how to express any emotion other than disgust or cruel amusement).

When Fiona finally left, with a few parting jokes and another heavily sarcastic friend comment, Baz slumped down on his couch and groaned very loudly. I dropped down beside him, grinning, and kissed the side of his jaw because I hadn’t touched him once during the hour or so Fiona had been there.

“I take it you didn’t tell your family about me,” I said drily, and he looked at me sideways.

“My family knows I’m queer,” he said slowly, squeezing my hand tightly like he needed an anchor, “but my father isn’t exactly the most accepting. Fiona is, and so is Daphne, for the most part, but I find it easier to just… not bring it up.”

I rested my head against his shoulder, and he leaned his head against mine, and we sat like that for a bit. “I think Fiona figured us out,” I said after a while, and he snorted.

“She’s a Pitch, unfortunately, so she’s sharper than I’d like. All of my mother’s family is.” I nearly started in on him about his mother, curious about what had happened to her, but I decided that was a discussion for another time.

Now, leaning over in my chair, I let out a small whimper as a sudden twinge of pain goes up my arm. The sound startles Baz, who jerks his hand away from the canvas and blinks at me.

“Are you alright, Simon?” he asks, leaning forward on his stool. His eyes flick to the clock, then widen. “Jesus fuck, we’ve been here nearly two hours - you need a break, come on.”

“I can move?”

“Christ, yes, I’m not trying to kill you.” I slowly push myself upright and try not to groan as I let my sore muscles stretch. Baz watches me for a moment, then seems to remember I’m naked and looks away, blushing to the tips of his ears.

He’d been like this earlier, telling me to strip down but staring at his phone until I was seated. He told me to sit leaning over my legs with my elbows resting on my knees, looking down, and it basically concealed everything. We both stopped blushing after the first half hour, at least. I’d thought it would be more embarrassing, but I remembered the live models I’d drawn in my drawing classes - it had just been tiring, not even remotely sexual, and this was much of the same.

“Can I see it so far?” I ask after I put my pants back on, as well as a dressing gown of his, because his apartment is frigid.

“Absolutely not,” he replies, but I walk over anyways, sliding around behind him before he can stop me. I don’t know a lot about oil paints, I only had to take Painting I, but I’ve been slowly relearning everything while I’ve been around Baz more. He hasn’t done much so far, only blocked in a lot of the colors for the backdrop and the base for me, but it still looks amazing. His blending is so smooth, so precise, while still retaining that touch of a deeper feeling. He blows me away.

I loop my arms around his neck, pressing my lips to his cheek and grinning. Baz is grumpy I’m looking at the unfinished painting, but his hands come up and hold my wrists, his thumb passing across the surface of my skin. “It looks amazing so far.”

“You’re supposed to say that,” he grumbles, but I can tell he’s pleased.

“Yes, I am, but it’s also very true,” I say, straightening and stretching again.

He swivels to look at me, tilting his head. “You’re not too sore, are you? We could always stop for the day. It takes so long to dry, we can do more tomorrow.”

I shake my head, dropping my hands to his lap and leaning over him. “I just need a few minutes. I don’t know if I can do a whole lot more, but another hour or two shouldn’t be bad. Maybe another break somewhere in between.”

Baz nods solemnly, and I capture his lips for a quick kiss. I’m getting to know him more and more, and I know that while he likes the kissing, a lot of the time he’s too anxious to in go for one himself. We’re working on that.

“How about some tea?” I ask as I step into his kitchen, fiddling with the kettle without waiting for a response, which is just a soft grunt of approval from the next room. While the water heats, I go back to Baz and crouch in front of him, where he’s still staring at his canvas, a little lost. He usually looks like this when he paints, but it makes him so soft, and I love it.

I gently take his right hand in both of mine and he looks down at me with that little head tilt I associate with him. “Is your hand hurting?” He cramps up a lot, and usually works through it, but I like to help when I can. I press my fingers into his hand, starting at his wrist and working out toward his palm with my thumbs, then slowly up his forearm. His eyes close, a wince now and then, but I know it helps.

“Thank you,” he whispers when we hear the kettle whistling, and I stoop to give him another kiss before hurrying back to the kitchen.

We drink our tea quietly at the table, after I drag him off that damn stool, and I still get a thrill just looking at him. As far as first boyfriends go, I think I sort of hit the jackpot, even if he is a bit of a bristly neurotic a lot of the time.

A few more minutes, and we return to our places. I strip in the most dramatic way possible, basically a strip-tease, and I can see him snickering, even though he’s trying to hide behind his canvas. We settle back into an easier silence, his music filling the space between us.

[thatishogwash]

Bad Pick Up Lines

KuroDai Week 2018 May 9, Day Four: Admiration / Bad Habits AO3

Kuroo was nervous.  He didn’t really blame himself as he adjusted his jar of brushes for the fourteenth time or moved his canvas before ultimately moving it to the original spot he had it in.  He brought out extra lights even though he had purposefully chosen this space for its natural lighting.  He thought of putting music on but then thought that might be weird.  Would it make it seem like he was trying to set a mood?  He was trying to set a mood but not that kind of mood.

Kuroo Tetsurou knew how fortunate and lucky he was to have the career he did.  It’s not to say he didn’t fight and bleed and lose countless hours of sleep over it.  He worked in shitty jobs for years, stayed in tiny apartments with far too many roommates, did everything he could to save up for just a couple mid-line paints and brushes.  He worked himself to the bone and then continued to work just for the small hope that someday, someday he could do what he loved.

Now Kuroo could comfortably live as a full time artist.  He had permanent art installations at actual museums and not just in Japan either, his art was being shown in twelve different countries around the world.  He had an assistant that kept tabs on his schedule and filtered through all the commissions he got.  Kuroo still worked his ass off but now it was doing something he loved, something he had worked so hard to achieve.

It didn’t mean that everything was perfect.  There was something whispered amongst artists of all different mediums, something that felled even the best.  The dreaded artist block.

Kuroo had faced a couple in his couple decades of life.  He had always managed to power through it, to find inspiration or a muse from something.  But Kuroo had basically run through every single modeling agency he usually contacted when he needed real life models.  He had taken to venturing out to random places to see if anyone fit what he needed.

The commissioned pieces for his next art installation were half done.  The first half had been done in record timing, almost laughably easy.  His model had been tall, nearly amazonian with lean muscles and a grace of a professional dancer.  Those pieces leaned against the wall, laughing at him.

Kuroo had become desperate.  Hope came in the form of his taciturn assistant who sometimes Kuroo could have sworn wanted to watch Kuroo burn out.  Tsukishima Kei was equal parts the best and worst assistant Kuroo had ever had.  Definitely the worst had been the walking disaster known as Haiba Lev, who had thankfully been taken off of Kuroo’s hands by a modelling agency who liked the look of the half-Russian and wasn’t too concerned with his puppy dog like attitude.  The best had Akaashi Keiji, who might have referred to Kuroo as pain-in-the-ass-Kuroo but was still the best damn assistant anyone could ever ask for.  Of course he just had to graduate school and get a fantastic job in his field and fall in love with Kuroo’s traitor of a best friend Bokuto Koutarou.

But that was neither here nor there.  The point was just when Kuroo was on a verge of a nervous breakdown and was thinking about burning his own studio down, disappearing into the night, and changing his name Tsukishima stepped in.  Kuroo thought it was mostly self preservation on Tsukishima’s part.  As much as the younger man complained about the workload, Kuroo knew he paid better than any job a broke full-time student could make.

So Tsukishima had suggested a different sort of company to book a model through.  The type of company that might help lonely people out, someone might pay them for a date or other things.

It was an escort company and Kuroo had hired an escort.

Truthfully Kuroo had hired seventeen escorts and none of them had been the right fit.  Kuroo didn’t even want to question how Tsukishima knew about the company since he couldn’t find a single trace of it online.  Kuroo didn’t worry about his reputation much.  Hiring an escort would probably be on the tame side for the rumors floating around about him.

Kuroo had gotten desperate and the man he always talked to when booking the escorts had sounded rough and annoyed.  Kuroo had assured him repeatedly that he just needed a model for some sketches and maybe a painting or two.  Yes they would have to remove their clothes but a pair of biking shorts could be worn.

The man had sighed and told Kuroo he was sending a guy his way.

Kuroo was nervous.  The impending failure of an unfinished commissioned piece made Kuroo want to hole up in his apartment and never come out.  So much was riding on this and he was being sent an escort he didn’t even choose.

A knock at the door had Kuroo flinching so bad he knocked over the jar of brushes he had been anxiously touching and he managed to kick over his easel.

“Uh- come on, the doors unlocked!”  Kuroo yelled as he attempted to pull himself together while putting everything back into its place.  “Hi!  Hello.  Hey.”  Kuroo wanted to cover his face as his soul attempted to leave his body out of sheer embarrassment.  Three greetings?  Really?

“Hi, hello, hey.”  The man by the door surprised Kuroo, not just from his cheeky greeting but by his looks.

Kuroo had been surprised with each escort he had met.  Every single one vastly different from the last and none of them really screamed escort to Kuroo, which he guessed was kind of the point.  Also he felt a little judgemental about his preconceived notions of escorts too.

The man in front of Kuroo took all those notions about what Kuroo thought escorts looked or acted like, pushed it into the garbage disposal and turned it on until there was nothing left.  He looked like the type who would feel perfectly comfortable with a toddler on his hip as he enjoyed a backyard barbeque with his neighbors.  He looked like he played some type of sport on the weekends and worked in an office where he was always bringing in treats for the rest of his floor.

The man looked plain and boring, as if he could blend seamlessly into a crowd of businessmen.

“Is that Toothless?”  The man, the escort asked, seemingly surprising even himself.  Kuroo didn’t blame him, not many people came into his studio but even Tsukishima showed the slightest shock when he walked in to see a life-size version of Toothless taking up the back portion of the studio.

“Yeah,” Kuroo answered with a grin, finally feeling a bit like himself.  “My friend Oikawa, his son is having a How to Train Your Dragon themed party and I just really enjoy being liked by his kid so much more than him.”  The admission surprised a laugh out of the man but with surprise of his own, Kuroo realized that he had purposefully distracted Kuroo.

He was a lot more cunning than his looks let on and Kuroo found himself enjoying that.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude, I’m Sawamura.”  Sawamura took a couple steps over to Kuroo and held out his hand.  It was a firm handshake, Sawamura’s hands were calloused and warm.

“Kuroo.”  Kuroo stretched out his fingers by his side, still feeling the warm tingly after effects from the handshake.

“So I’m going to be truthful, this is all kind of new to me.”  Sawamura gave a self deprecating grin and oh, he was so good.  Kuroo would have to pay close attention because with one little sentence he had managed to put Kuroo at ease and in charge without either having to really talk about it.  “I took an Art History class once and it was way beyond me.”

“Well why don’t you take your jacket off and get comfortable?  I’m just going to start with some warm up sketches.”  Kuroo stepped behind his easel, glancing over at Sawamura as he pulled his jacket off, causing the plain dark gray shirt underneath to pull tight against his torso.  Without the jacket Kuroo could see that Sawamura was built better than the dad-bod Kuroo had been expecting.  His shoulders were broad and they tampered off into a trim waist with rather impressive arms.

Kuroo started to draw those shoulders, trying to work out the muscles and bone beneath and how they moved and shifted.  Sawamura wandered around the studio, taking a closer look at Toothless, which would be rideable when Kuroo was finished with it.  He was excited to leave Tsukishima with the task of actually getting it to Oikawa’s house back in Miyagi in one piece.

Then Sawamura moved to the long table pushed against the far left side of the studio.  Kuroo opened his mouth but quickly closed it as he got a good look at Sawamura’s back.  He normally didn’t allow people to see his work in progress or his failed works, all of which were spread across that table, but Sawamura was proving a good study.  There was something unique in the plainess, something intriguing past the neat hair and clean cut look.

“These are all for the project your working on?”  Kuroo didn’t correct Sawamura about the term project, it clearly wasn’t meant to be demeaning or offensive.

“Sort of?  They are all the models I’ve tried but something didn’t click.”  Kuroo answered honestly, feeling more at ease with every passing moment.  He had no idea how someone could be such a calming personality and make Kuroo feel as if he was challenging him at every turn.  “None of them fit my first model.  Could you take off your shirt?”

“Like mixing fluorine to hydrogen.”  Sawamura mumbled as he did as asked.  Kuroo was almost too distracted by the stretch of newly revealed muscles to miss the joke, almost being the keyword.

“Did you just make a chemical reaction joke?”  Kuroo asked, earning a grin from Sawamura.  “Hey Sawamura?  You must be chlorine because you are polarizing my bond.”  Sawamura stared at him in muted horror before tossing his head back and laughing.

“That was so bad!”  Sawamura moved closer to Kuroo.  “How many of those have you got?”

“Please Sawamura, I am a professional.”  Kuroo continued to sketch, glancing up at an expecting looking Sawamura.  “My favorite attractive force is van der Waal’s force.  Can you feel it?  I’ll move closer if you can’t.”  Sawamura laughed again, that deep belly type laugh that made Kuroo intake a little too much air.

The rest of the time passed in sharing bad pick up lines and Kuroo was surprised when his phone beeped, signalling the end of their time.  He had moved on from quick sketches to more detailed ones, the floor around him was covered with pieces of Sawamura.  Kuroo had discovered a faint scar on his cheek, the middle and pointer knuckles on his left hand were swollen, his lips pulled up a little higher on the left side then right when he smiled, and several other minute things he could have easily overlooked when he brushed Sawamura off as plain.

“Thank you.”  Kuroo said with real feeling because he finally felt as if he was seeing a light at the end of his dark, artist block tunnel.

“I didn’t really do much.”  Sawamura shrugged though Kuroo couldn’t be but disagree.  He gave the studio one last glance around as he pulled on his jacket.  “All of this, everything you’ve managed to create even your petty life sized dragon-” A flashing, cunning grin at this.  “It’s all amazing.  It’s really admirable, what you do.  Pulling nothing out of your mind with just some paper and pencils, sticking with it even after three dozen different models.”  Kuroo could feel a creeping blush at this.  He hadn’t realized he really needed to hear that until someone said it.

“I think what you do is really admirable too!”  Kuroo rushed out.  “I know your job can’t be easy but you came in here with confidence, not knowing what was in store for you and you made this easy and enjoyable.  Thank you, really.”  Sawamura wasn’t smiling though as Tsukishima came in through the door.

“What do you think my job is exactly?”  Sawamura asked, eyes narrowed.  Tsukishima paused before turning on his heel to walk out.  “Don’t even think about it Tsukishima.”  Kuroo had never seen Tsukishima listen to anyone as well as he listened to Sawamura in that moment.

“I’m sorry?  Is it not okay to talk about it?”  Kuroo asked worriedly, wondering if he had somehow insulted Sawamura.  Tsukishima’s back was to them but his head ducked down.

“Talk about what?”  Sawamura said.  “Say it.”

“You’re an escort?”  Kuroo meant to say it as a statement but it came out as more of a question.  Tsukishima’s bean pole body seemed to slump forward at Kuroo’s words.

“I’m a what now?”  Sawamura practically yelled.  “Tsukishima Kei, what the hell did you tell him?”

It was then that Kuroo realized there was no escort business that Tsukishima knew about.  He had his old volleyball coach pretend to be some sort of pimp while sending various friends and acquaintances of Tsukishima’s to Kuroo.  Turned out that Sawamura really did work in an office during the week and played with a neighborhood association team during the weekends.

“So then, is it okay if I ask you out?”  Kuroo asked to Tsukishima’s obvious horror.

“Please no Sawamura, you could do so much better.”  Tsukishima said quickly.

“I’m telling Kageyama that you sent Hinata and Yamaguchi out as pretend escorts to your boss.”  Sawamura deadpanned.  Kuroo had yet to meet Tsukishima’s longterm boyfriend Kageyama but from what he had heard he was a pretty intense young man and the only one able to wring any sort of remorse from the emotionless Tsukishima.  “And yes it is, but I’m paying.”

Kuroo couldn’t help but grin at that.

[callunavulgari]

TOP 25 FICS OF 2017

1. A Somaal Universe by @kaikamahine | Steven Universe | 7.5k

Connie flips over the next card. “'Most likely to -’” She reads out loud, and then dissolves into laughter and has to start over, propping the card up on her bump. “'Most likely to freak out when you go into labor and break the speed limit getting to the hospital?’” 

“Pearl,” Amethyst and Jasper say in unison.

Heather Says: It was really difficult to choose between this and Favor For Your Four-Chambered Heart as favorite Elizabeth fic for the year, but in the end this one won out because it was one of the first fics this year that made me well and truly happy.

2. The home front by aesc | Stargate Atlantis | 10k

“This had better be the Sheppard residence,” Rodney says, brilliant, agitated life and volume against a monotonous day and Dave’s subdued welcome, “because I’ve been driving around for hours and if I ever find the woman who did the voice on my GPS system I’m going to personally amputate her vocal cords.”

Heather Says: I read this in the pool, precariously balanced on the top step with my body angled weirdly so that I wasn’t holding my phone over the water. I started it before I got in the pool, of course, but I couldn’t put it on hold long enough to swim, so I finished it in the water.

3. Junk Cheap by DevilDoll | Stargate Atlantis | 13.5k

If you were thinking you’d love to read an AU where Rodney is a college professor and John owns a junk shop, this is the story for you.

Heather Says: This might be my favorite SGA fic that I found this year, which is funny since going into the fandom I would have told you that I’d prefer to read fics set in canon. I mean, c’mon. Atlantis? Why would I want to read anything set anywhere else? But this fic perfectly captured John’s lazy personality and Rodney’s crotchety... everything. It’s fabulous.

4. Unidentified by fiercelydreamed | Stargate Atlantis | 30k

Fourteen years, eight months, and seven days after John and Rodney meet, the clock starts all over again.

Heather Says: I’m not typically one for the amnesia trope. I’ve found some good fic for it, but most of the time either the angst or the second-hand embarrassment gets me too hard and I end up exiting out of the fic. This fic was intricate and engaging and introduces a Rodney just off-center from the Rodney that we know.

5. Black Helicopters at Dawn by whizzy | Stargate Atlantis | 240k

Screw the bet. Rodney was going to prove the existence of extraterrestrial intelligence. Oh, and incidentally, he might just catch the United States Air Force with their pants around their ankles.

Heather Says: This fic is long. And beautiful, and sad, and kind of a lot. Also if you’re like me you’ll have to find the third part of it on some weird, sort of sketchy website that hopefully didn’t give you viruses. Or if you’re really desperate you can ask me to send you a copy since I think I still have it somewhere.

6. Like a Lightning Strike by miss_aphelion | Hannibal | 71k

In a world where omegas are instant celebrities and treated like royalty, Will just wants to be left alone. So he keeps what he is a secret, managing to avoid the spotlight and the restrictions that come with it for nearly twenty years.

Then a case goes wrong, and his secrets start to unravel before the entire world—and even more worrying, it happens in front of Hannibal, the alpha that was already fascinated with him before he knew what he was.

Heather Says: Okay, so remember how I said I wasn’t crazy about the amnesia trope? I am really not crazy about the A/B/O trope. Done well enough it’s intriguing, but I read a really awful one way back in the day that basically scarred me for life. That said, this fic came along and hooked me hard. It hasn’t been updated since April, which is disappointing, but it’s well worth the read, even unfinished.

7. Lord, Save Me from Your Followers by anamatics | Supergirl | 27k

Kara, perhaps out of a want for thoroughness in her story, perhaps out of a Millennial-born urge to creep on a the social media of a woman she finds intriguing, discovers that Lena Luthor has a pretty active following on Instagram one afternoon not long after their first meeting. She debates it, just for a moment, before following Lena.

Heather Says: Don’t watch Supergirl? That’s fine! Technically I’ve only seen a couple episodes myself! Read this anyway! This fic has that perfect realness to it that I’ve only found in a very select group of fics and it has cute girls kissing to boot.

8. hood & glove by @fahye | Yuri On Ice | 12k 

“I don’t mess with the fae,” Otabek says.

"I'm not asking you to mess with them," JJ flat-out lies. 

Heather Says: I’ve tried to say things about this three times now. There are fairies. Otabek is a hero. The king of the fairies fell in love with a human and the weather is fucked up. And there is some truly spectacular art within.

  9. With Fire in Their Eyes by @asukaskerian | Yuri On Ice | 8k

He lands butterfly-light in a swirl of hair and glittering gauze, and the ceiling crashes to the rink all around him.

His ears are ringing with heartbeats, his efforts, the cries of the crowd. The rink wobbles under him -- must have landed a bit wrong but he can work through it. Only there are things strewn all over the ice; people usually know to wait until the end to throw roses and tokens and --

Not applause. Screams. The light is wrong because a fourth of the ceiling projectors are missing. The sky is dark. No stars. Something gleams behind the broken sky. And moves. Something he can't -- won't -- something.

Something that's looking at him.

Heather Says: It’s a Pacific Rim/Yuri On Ice crossover. What more could you want?

10. What We Pretend We Can’t See by @gyzym | Harry Potter | 131 k

Seven years out from the war, Harry learns the hard truth of old history: it’s never quite as far behind you as you thought.

Heather Says: I’ve been a fan of gyzym’s stuff since way back in 2009? 2010? Whatever year it was, it was on livejournal back when Inception was a thing. So when I got the notification that she wrote something new? And that the new thing she’d written was 130k of Draco/Harry? I was over the moon. 

11. No Less Unthinkable by @rageprufrock | Yuri On Ice | 79k

In which Katsuki Yuuri fights a losing battle with chronic anxiety, the quadruple Salchow, and his own judgment four drinks in — but wins the war.

Heather Says: I’ve been affectionately dubbing this fic the slutty Yuuri picture show, because damn. The porn itself is exquisitely written, yes, but more than that is the way Yuuri himself is written. That realness that I was talking about above is very prominent here too. 

12. Slithering by @astolat | Harry Potter | 27k

Draco found the nest down in the Manor’s cellars, while he was clearing them out.

Heather Says: I have a weakness for fics with snakes, okay.

13. Hermione Granger’s Hogwarts Crammer for Delinquents on the Run by @waspabi | Harry Potter | 93k

'You’re a wizard, Harry’ is easier to hear from a half-giant when you’re eleven, rather than from some kids on a tube platform when you’re seventeen and late for work.

Heather Says: In addition to just being really fucking great all around, the soundtrack to this fic lead me to some of the best music that I’ve listened to this year.

14. the king of oak by @picqueries | Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them | 38k 

The first thing Percival Graves does after being released back into the world is buy a new wand. He's at Greymalkin's for ten minutes and the only wand that works for him is raw aspen, whiter than bone and so rough that Graves gives himself a splinter conjuring a storm of birds. The wand—dragon heartstring, a most unusual wand for an American wizard, according to a flustered Greymalkin—feels wild, and Graves empties half his wallet on the counter and keeps his hand on his new wand all the way home.

The second thing he does is quit his job, because honestly.

("Grindelwald did his research before he put on your face," Seraphina says reasonably. "And it's not like you're open with your personal life. He has us all fooled."

"He wore scorpion stickpins!" Graves shoots back, somewhat less reasonably.

Seraphina looks at Graves, his pressed creases, his immaculate shirt, the red ruby cufflinks he's wearing to hide the starved brittleness of his wrists. "I'm sorry," she says. It is not enough to make him stay.)

The third thing he does is get jumped by Credence Barebone in an alley.

Heather Says: Okay, okay, okay. But. Wizards are descended from fairies. Should I say it again for those in the back? Wizards are descended from fairies. Honestly, even if this fic had been horribly written I’d be hooked just on that concept alone. Fortunately it’s written beautifully, and is a complete work of art.

15. apocrypha by aerynlallaboso | Dishonored | 97k

The Eighth year of the reign of Empress Emily Kaldwin, First of her Name, the second year without a whisper from the Outsider, is the year the Void chooses to mark the end of an era.

Heather Says: This wasn’t the first Dishonored fic that I read, but it was the first one I’d read that was longer than 5k, and I was just so goddamned pleased with everything about it.

16. A Year In Toussaint by @astolat | The Witcher | 30k

Geralt had no damn idea what to do with a vineyard when Anna Henrietta gave him Corvo Bianco, but he figured it couldn’t be that bad.

Heather Says: Between the Stargate Atlantis and Harry Potter, I read a lot of astolat’s fic this year. I’d noticed that she’d been writing fic for the Witcher, but didn’t much care because I never really played the games. But I was bored one day, so I read one of her Witcher fics. Then another. And another. And then I went out and bought the games. This one is my favorite.

17. wild peaches by @notbecauseofvictories | The Labyrinth | 3.5k

The morning after Sarah Williams defeats the Goblin King, she gets up and makes toast.

Heather Says: The feel of this fic is basically what I want out of everything that I read for the rest of my life. Just the right amount of magic, but eerie and timeless. I have read this fic at least five times since it was published and will probably go on to read it another five times next year.

18. where the weeds take root by @beenghosting | Supernatural | 30k 

“Are you happy? Y’know. Just—being here,” Dean says, gesturing to the yard with his beer bottle. “Being with—I mean, you used to fight in celestial wars and—and save the world. Now you’re growing vegetables and talking about chickens.”

Heather Says: I really adore slice of life fic, especially when it’s an after-the-war-is-over sort of thing rather than just some fluffy AU that the characters have been stuffed into. I haven’t touched anything Supernatural related in years, not because I didn’t love the characters, but because the show was on this slowly creeping spiral downwards, and I just couldn’t. This though, feels like a very organic end for my two favorites, so thank you for giving me closure.

19. Heart and Home by lc2l | Les Mis | 97k

In an alternate Paris, werewolves occupy the majority of the ruling classes, making and adjusting policy to suit their interests. The punishments for a human attacking a werewolf can be brutal, unless they have the protection of a wolf pack.

How this translates to ‘claim Grantaire as your mate to get him out of prison’ is something Enjolras is still trying to get his head around, but he’s never been one to give up on a cause even when it’s sleeping on his sofa.

Heather Says: I, like many other people, watched the movie adaptation of Les Mis several years ago. My ex-girlfriend liked the play, but I’d never seen it. Loved the movie. Loved the play, once I got around to seeing it. But until this was recommended to me by a dear friend, I never once thought of it in the context of fandom. And werewolves! 

20. World Ain’t Ready by idiopathicsmile | Les Mis | 185k

Enjolras presses his lips together. He already looks pained, and Grantaire hasn’t even opened his mouth yet. That’s got to be a record, even for them.

“I need a favor,” he says at last. 

"With what?" says Grantaire. "Ooh, are you forming a cult? Can I join? I'd be awesome at cults, I just know it." He ticks off his qualifications on his fingers. "I love chanting, I look great in robes—" 

Heather Says: The thing about high school AUs that no one ever tells you is that as you grow up, one of two things happens. Either the high school AU in question triggers a massive influx of nostalgia that basically cripples you emotionally or it has you cringing away from the screen, groping blindly until you can ex out of the tab. I’m happy to say that this one is more of the former.

21. despite what you’ve been told by @caseyvalhalla | Yuri On Ice | 14k

When Victor falls, he goes down hard.

Heather Says: All I wanted out of the Yuri On Ice fandom was a good, long in-depth look at the inside of Victor’s brain. This is the fic where I got it.

22. these things take time by sonhoedesrazao | Les Mis | 63k

He’s always wary of making assumptions; even more so when Grantaire is concerned. He knows he’s not the easiest person to deal with. People either like him or can’t stand him, and it’s easy to respond to those reactions, but Grantaire—Grantaire is hostile and mocking, Grantaire scorns his beliefs, and Grantaire stays.

Heather Says: This fic soothed my soul during a particular rough patch this year. There are dates and misunderstandings and some pretty intense UST and it’s just wonderful all around.

23. Watercast by @fishwrites | Voltron | 113k

Shiro has been a Galra prisoner for over a year; with his flight feathers clipped and unable to fly. Desperate to escape, he jumps overboard while being transported to the capitol on a Galran ship. Lance is a merman who saves him from drowning. Keith thinks Shiro is about to become mermaid dinner. Hunk just wants Lance to stop going to the surface all the time, dammit!

Heather Says: When the most recent chapter of this came out, I ended up going back and rereading it, because I was on the beach, and it seemed like a really good time to read about mermen and flying bird people and I am just. So excited for this fic all over again.

24. Fifteen Men in September by ballantine | Black Sails | 34k

Fifteen men on the dead man’s chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!

A Black Sails origin story for the song.

Heather Says: I stopped watching Black Sails after the end of season one, because there was a lot of things that we were watching at the time, and it was the one to get cut. I don’t even remember how this fic got recced to me, but I’m thrilled that it did because it’s made me go back and keep watching.

25. Patience on a Monument by betts | Game of Thrones | 21k

Having a Jaime in your life means living in a soap opera, except you can’t DVR it to watch later, and the main character sometimes ends up in your guest bedroom for an undisclosed period of time because he has a woefully codependent relationship with his sister.

Heather Says: It’s. So. Good.

[ladymacbethsspot]

Questions for AO3 writers:

I was tagged by @erurink and @kaguneko , thank you both (this is long but I’ll do my best to not make it unreadable).

I’m going to tag @zedsdead1001 @ackbang and @erurifluff .

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

It’s a literary allusion from Shakespeare’s Macbeth . Because I’m a dork. Lady Macbeth has a famous line, “Out, damn’d spot! Out, I say”. When she says this she’s basically being way too insightful for her own good.

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos)

A Place Up North has the most hits/bookmarks/kudos at 601 / 7 / 47 - unsurprising as this is very traditional porn. But the highest hits/kudos ratio is Everyone’s Wingman. The most subs is my ficlet/drabble thing, with 5 (but it’s my only “multichap” work).

3. What is your AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

It’s the same as my Tumblr icon. It’s a little bit from a Takashi Murakami painting that I just really love. His art style is wild and shocking.

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

I don’t think so? If I do I’m so sorry that I haven’t figured it out yet.

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

Audacity by Shoi (amazing)

Perfect Fit by Zeds_Dead (porn haha)

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

None. I’m subbed to 5 authors though and I read pretty much anything they write.

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

Modern AU, non-reincarnation. I love canonverse for drabbles and ficlets though, the emotions are really raw.

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

4 user subs, 6 other subs, 23 bookmarks - it’s not that exciting really.

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

HAHAHAHA, no. Everything I write is embarrassing, I have no shame. I’ve got a tentacle thing in the works. So, yeah, fight me.

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

Everything? Is that an answer? Other than that I’d love to write something that is a real multichap instead of long oneshots.

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

So far I only write Eruri, so popular ships. I’ve been thinking about Akira/Ryuji from p5 though...maybe.

12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

7

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

Things I’m actively working on: 3. Things I have like a paragraph and and outline for: 2. Things I have a vague idea for...many- 15?

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

Yes. I like to let ideas stew in my head for a while but I tend to write down key parts as I figure them out. Other than that, I’m very intense about outlining once I have an idea set.

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

No, I think it would be difficult but a fun challenge.

16. How did you discover AO3?

I got back into reading fanfiction when I started shipping Eruri, and AO3 is the place. I think I may have discovered it while trying to understand wth omegaverse is (kids these days). In sum: I’m old and gross and I don’t care.

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3?

Again, HAHAHAHA, no. I just started writing maybe 1.5 months ago. I’m really very new at it all. But I’m having fun, both with writing and exploring the fandom, so I’m quite pleased with it either way.

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

Is this a thing?

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

Ahem, (kaguneko), ahem. Their style is so unique- it’s nothing like my own, but it’s a joy to read and got me thinking that I could probably write things too since they didn’t need to be this huge many-chapter commitment to be fun. Honestly though, the Eruri fandom has a lot of amazing writers and I have a particular soft spot for writers with a sense of humor (Asexual_ravioli and RatFlavored for instance), so they all inspire me constantly.

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

Doooooo it. Do the thing. 

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

I outline a lot, even with porn. Especially with porn. I’m kind of obsessive about getting the visual in my head conveyed faithfully. Figuring things out as I go along is fine for shorter stuff though, anything under 2k words I tend to do that way.

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

Not yet. Honestly, I can’t imagine why anyone would care enough to leave a bad comment on my works. It would be admitting that you read them (haha).

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

I’m most comfortable with silly banter and porn, so things like action I haven’t even attempted yet.

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

Tentacle stuff. Also, something more ambitious that I don’t want to talk about.

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

Yes. Doesn’t everyone? There are a lot of fun ideas, how could I possibly stick to just one?

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

No, but I probably should. I’m a real life adult so I write when I can.

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

Again, I just started writing so it’s hard to make an assessment. However, I do feel like it’s easier to get into the swing of it than when I first started and I’m getting a little quicker and less indecisive.

28. What is your favorite story that you’ve written?

I don’t know, I like all the drabbles/ficlets best, honestly. I like the ficlet entitled Meet Ugly: 1 Star Review which is buried in my multichapter ficlet/drabble thing.

29. What is your least favorite story that you’ve written?

I don’t dwell on these things, so just pick whatever porn of mine you hated most- that’s my least favorite.

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

I honestly have no idea if I’ll still be writing in 5 years, but it would be fun and I’d hope to have grown in that amount of time as a writer. If I’m still writing I hope future-me has written something longer than 40k words (with chapters)!

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

Getting ideas for more porn.

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

Accepting that said porn is no longer hot once you’ve stared at it for hours.

33. Why do you write?

I haven’t really had a creative outlet for about ten years, so I write for myself. It’s a fun stress reliever and it gets me thinking in a very different way than my work does. I’ve also got lots of wild ideas for the frick frack, so that’s probably my ulterior motive.

[qyriad]

Warning: Very long, depressing, and possibly whiny post on deep feelings follow. It is also unedited. Read at your own risk. 

Can I just like talk about how I feel there’s a void where my creativity was--like I was robbed of it?

My parents were emotionally abusive, so there’s there’s a lot of stunted emotional growth already. I’m also trans so like that spilled over and killed my self expression and confidence. 

I’ve transitioned and I’m away from my parents, living on my own. And sure I have depression and it’s pretty bad but my life is so much better and I take so much better care of myself. 

But I’ve become extra aware of all the things I always wanted to do all my life and just couldn’t do either because my parents “wouldn’t approve” or I wouldn’t have been comfortable because I hadn’t transitioned (still have my parents to blame for that). It’s almost all I’ve been thinking about lately. 

I’m a generally talented person right? A-/B+ student, at least above average at most things. Above average at math, a damn natural at computers and programming, gifted with languages, I was near-top when I sparred in Taekwondo. I was a damn good archer. I just got a test back in fucking Assembly Programming. You know how hard that is if you’ve never done it (like me)? I got a 96 on that test, was the top of my class and I finished fucking first without my textbook in an open book exam. I’m not trying to brag here I’m just trying to make a point. I’ve never the best at anything, but I’m always near there at most things, so long as I can find the motivation to do them. 

But there’s a whole section of things I’ve always been closed off of, due to lack of that natural talent. 

I’ve always wanted to do theatre, to act. I’ve never been able to. My parents may of actually approved, but they would have made a huge deal out of it and that alone was enough to turn me away, let alone my dysphoria. 

Last semester was my first semester at college. I joined the theatre club. This semester I got cast in the show as a main role--my first performance. Everyone’s telling me that, while, of course, I’m not perfect and still have a lot to learn, that I’m doing extremely, that I seem to be picking it up pretty naturally. 

I’m in the general required english class, and I’ve always hated english class largely because I was never any good at writing essays, or at least finding motivation for doing so. We’ve had two major essays this semester, both of which allowed me to write about something I wanted to. The first one was a simple narrative essay, focusing on showing-not-telling basic stuff. I wrote about my first time being involved in theatre--the previous semester, doing lights. I enjoyed it, but I ended it up handing it in actually unfinished and completely unedited or revised. I was the only person in my class to get an A, thus I was also the highest grade in the class. I figured that was a fluke + my understand of language in general and what it means to show versus tell. The next essay was a critique in the form of a persuasive essay. I ended up passing that one in also completely unedited/revised, and I really should have rearranged the structure. While almost everyone else got at least a grade lower than they did previously, I was, yet again, the only person in the class to get an A. 

Both acting and those essays have really got me thinking. Maybe I actually do have some talent for creativity...for arts?

I’ve always wanted to write creatively. I’m trying some critical writing that I’m liking, but I have no where to post it. I’d do like a YouTube channel and make video essays but, while my voice has made a lot of progress throughout my transition, I’m nowhere near comfortable enough to get on a microphone. If I had been on HRT before puberty that wouldn’t be a problem. The one thing I don’t think I’ll ever have talent for is drawing, but I guess I’ll have to come to terms with that one. 

I want to play piano. So badly. Or the flute even! Anything. All my life I’ve longed for it. But not only am I a poor college student, I’m completely independent financially, and no longer have transportation. I have no way to take piano lessons. My college is a community college (with dorms luckily) and is pretty limited in classes--pretty much no music classes. 

I want to sing. I look to those around me and they all produce such beauty just with their voices. I used to try, but my parents discouraged it, and once puberty came my voice made the dysphoria of it a nightmare. 

Meanwhile all my creative friends (so all my friends) have all been singing all their life, in band since elementary school, drawing since preschool, in theatre since middle school. Not only will I never be able to catch up to them, I also can’t do anything about most of them. Acting in the only one I have the opportunity for. And I will never get the memories I could have had.  I will never have band class in middle or high school. I will never have been a chorus kid. I will never have been that stereotypical child that you couldn’t keep away from the theatre. I’ll never have shared poetry in english class. 

And it kills me. It just kills me. 

I want to create stuff. I want to make content. I spend all my time consuming the art I’m so passionate about, that I love so much in any of its various forms--anime, tv, YouTube, music, theatre, video games, anything--but I can’t produce it. Except..I could...in different circumstances. 

Do you have any idea how much I would have done if I had been born to supporting, loving, accepting parents? Parents who paid attention, who would have allowed me to realize I was trans when I four that time I crossdressed and loved it just a bit too much, who would have let me transition, who would have encouraged me to do the things I loved, that I was passionate about, who would have cared? I would have been playing piano all my life. I would have been in band or chorus. I would have been doing theatre since middle school at least. Hell, maybe in all this I would have even picked up drawing ability, though that one might be a stretch. 

I look at that life. I just want to be there. More than anything. 

I never should have been a computer science kid. That’s not me. I like tech, I’m interested in how things work, and I find my computer to be the optimal way for me to consume media. I like logic puzzles. So...programming? It’s fun. I do like it, and I’m exceptionally good at it, but it’s not who I am. At all. I’m not passionate about it. Why am I majoring in it? 

I feel obligated to. I have the talent. I have STEM talent. I can’t help but feel thousands of starving artists would be jealous of that. I’ll always have a job in that, one that pays extremely well. I feel I would be doing a disservice...to all those who can’t do I what I can do. I have the chance, how could I throw all the gifts I have away? Hell I could use the money I’ll make doing it to support artists I love so much. And with the way I am financially right now, a comp sci job is kind of my only hope. 

If I had been a theatre kid all along, who knows how good I would be now? Maybe I would have been able to go somewhere with it. Maybe not. But that possibility...

It just kills me. 

Why. Why was I robbed? I have the talent for so much...All the things I’ve wanted desperately to do, all my life, I can’t do because my life was tailor-made to block me from them. 

Even though I’ve finally transitioned, I still don’t feel like me. There’s a giant part missing. My creativity. Why don’t I have an instrument? Why don’t I sing? Where are all my playbills? Where’s my YouTube channel? 

Maybe I’ll recover from it, eventually. When I’m a proper adult with a real job, steady income. 

Is that good enough? How can I settle for that? It’s killing me more and more each day. I’m already depressed enough, can I handle the vacuum where my creativity used to be? 

I even have trouble talking to the people closest to me about this. I have trouble asking people to help me recover. I’m embarrassed by my lack of base knowledge, and it seems every opportunity is stolen away from me. I was going to take piano lessons--my car shit the bed, there goes my transportation. My friend was going to teach m--OOPS new rule we’re not allowed to use the dorm’s piano for some reason?? 

Most trans people should be able to relate to the feeling that half their life was stolen from them. I feel that on a trans level of course, but here on a whole new level I can’t even begin to describe it. 

This is honestly why I will never be able to forgive my parents. It used to be that I couldn’t forgive them for making my brother (who, by the way, is even better at everything than I am, and has dipped into the arts) so depressed. But now I think that’s the real reason. 

This is why I so badly envy those with supportive parents. I envy that life. I long for it. I crave it.

 And it kills me.