#also hi yes sorry this is all I have to offer I Am Tired 💔

[dragon-spaghetti]

Have some huskerdust doodles from my lunch break in work 💖

[ruminate88]

Healing from Emotional Abuse and Suicide:

1/05/25 My personal traumatic experience

In my last relationship, he wouldn’t break up with me but continued to act disinterested in me. We had been in a “relationship” for months where he’s now calling me babe but when I try to visit his campus, he says it’s not a good time and turns me down…. Mixed signals 😝 I was painfully confused!!! I confronted if he even wanted to be with me and he says yes…. Yet he continues to act extremely busy as if he barely has time to text me but randomly at times he’s acting obsessive towards me …

3 times I offered to break up so “he can focus on school” because I’m tired of waiting on him to actually spend time with me. The relationship was 100% selfish and one-sided. He would NOT break up and always promised me everything I wanted from him but obviously he’s not going to change. Either he can’t or simply won’t. Even more confusing when I finally did the breaking up for him, he was a robot and had no emotional response…. Also a month later says he, “pretended all his feelings to lead me on” 💔

Of course I’m upset and he doesn’t acknowledge all he’s put me through so instead, he’s defensive towards me and says hurtful things like, “just stop caring about me” 🥺❤️‍🩹 I DID NOT understand the dynamics at play. I’m begging him, “Why are you being so mean???? What have I done to deserve all this???” 💔 ugh…. He said he was sorry but sorry for what??? Just saying “sorry” doesn’t fix the hurt. Eventually I had a suicide attack come on me…..

In that moment of feeling suicidal, he’s begging me not to hurt myself and says, “it’s not fair to me! Why do you want to leave me???” 😭❤️‍🩹 He made it all about him when I was the one suffering… I still don’t know to this day if he meant to purposely cause me to wanna harm myself OR did he just not understand how hurtful his words are and lacks empathy for me… like, would he deeeeep deeeeeep down be upset at himself if I hurt myself or would he truly just be like “oh well” 😳😳😳 I can’t judge him becuase I don’t know his heart. What was so traumatic for me is he’s somebody I cared about and was just trying to understand him. I couldn’t make sense of all the confusion and fog.

The way he blew my phone up begging me not to hurt myself and to please stay. Telling me he’s sorry and that I shouldn’t want to hurt myself how “terrible it is” and says “you shouldn’t be this way, you should want better.” I couldn’t tell if he genuinely was concerned for me OR if he was low-key “encouraging me” 😳💔💔💔🌹

Years I was so angry at him deep down and didn’t understand or realize it. When I did realize I was angry over him and blaming him for making me want to harm myself that day…. Yet, I’ve had to convince myself that I’m safe now, I’m okay and no matter if he purposely wanted me to hurt myself or not, I not only forgive him but “hurt people, hurt people”. Doesn’t excuse what happened that day but I don’t need him to love me back!! I wanted him to love me back soooo much but I am loved by friends and family.

I stayed FOR MY FAMILY. I didn’t go through with killing myself because I’m not that selfish. I knew my mom would be forever hurt deeply so I stayed for her, NOT for that ex. I loved him and I was just trying to make sense of his behavior towards me. All those months he convinced me not to break up and kept saying I was his priority and “I’m so beautiful” 😢😢😢 Then to do a 180 and be so cold and cruel towards me…. He said to me, “Why do you care about someone who only hurts you?” 💔💔🌹❤️‍🩹 Gee, idk…. Love isn’t something I made up out of the sky dude. I didn’t choose to care about him. Over time I became extremely obsessed with him and he obviously knew it and loved it. I was his “toy”, not someone he ever cared about ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹🌹

I am not worthless. God loves me and so does my family 🌹🌹🌹 I don’t hate my ex and I can let him go but I can’t forget or trust him ever again…. I wanted to have love with him. I would’ve married him but I understand now how that could never work…. One day at a time I’m healing. Healing takes time ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹🌹