#also her social skills feel uh. very autistic to me

[yourbestamericangirlmp3]

wild that my mom is so very autistic and yet did not think either of us were autistic until i got my evaluation (which required an interview with her) and was diagnosed. she still doesn't think she's autistic but at least she's come around about me.

[thalassic-p4rk]

okay okay so some explanation:

kwazii: self explanatory really. it’s kwazii.

shellington: totally hc him as aroace and so oblivious and i love him sm for it

paani: might accidentally flirt or attempt occasionally, but most of the time is so completely oblivious. he’s got sm autistic rizz.

inkling: okay don’t come for me he has a really really nice voice okay?? i’m working through it still 😭😭

peso: okay unpopular opinion probably bc of this one wild 120k fic i read in one go but i totally think peso isn’t as naive and innocent as everyone thinks he is and he totally uses that to his advantage. like, not even with flirting, but in general like with cursing and stuff. but i feel like he’s not as oblivious as he pretends to be, and when he chooses to flirt holy shit this guy can flirt. 10/10 best twink 4ever <3

barnacles: i have. many thoughts about barnacles. but, all i will say is that he is so completely oblivious to how hot everyone thinks he is and he has sm unintentional rizz. he will accidentally flirt with like random people he helps or comes across and he has no idea why they keep swooning and calls peso over cuz he’s concerned and peso just is like *sigh*. also, i know fictives aren’t their sources but our barnacles is pretty damn close and when he first split me and peso spent weeks simping over him before another headmate forced us to sit down and explain this to him (which was one of the most embarrassing experiences of my life btw, fuck u eddie /lh)

dashi: i am a hardcore tweak/dashi shipper all the way, and while i think dashi is a very professional person (dog?), i think she’s also really good with people and knows how to use her skills to get what she wants. i think she totally worked in like customer service or something pre-octonauts and that she would charm her clients and customers almost instinctively. however, flirting for her, while common, is something she doesn’t really view as flirting flirting? like, it’s just something she does to steer the conversation in a more favorable direction. she very rarely actually means it, or genuinely tries to flirt, so that’s why she’s not where kwazii is. she was struggling with tweak though lol.

tweak: i think tweak is similar to dashi, she’s not naive and she certainly is good at flirting and probably did a lot of flirting and uh sleeping around in the past (who doesn’t love a butch lesbian mechanic), but i also think that she just. doesn’t really care. fhjffjjgdg like she likes having fun and stuff but generally outside of her video games and her inventions she does not give a shit about much lmao. not in like, a bad way or anything. she just never really saw the point of a social life yk? and the octonauts are an exception, that’s family it’s different. but she’s always had more important shit to do than playing social games.

anyways thank you for coming to my ted talk i am very eepy.

[polyamorouspunk]

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Was out with mountain boy last night and 1. I learned how to say ‘i love you’ in latin (te amo) and 2. Very much questioning the whole arospec thing because of this boy. Cause for the first time in my *life* the feelings have lasted more than 2 weeks. Its been 2 months. HOLY SHIT IVE BEEN DATING MOUNTAIN BOY FOR 2 MONTHS

But yeah. And also like. As of last night its like *new feeling unlocked* like I’ve had butterflies but I’ve never had butterflies to the degree that Im *still* having butterflies over something 24 HOURS later. And like. That could also just be from being in the middle of a flare that my emotions just are not regulating correctly but like. I feel like I just unlocked emotions 2.0. So maybe I am the actual rare case of ‘you just haven’t been with the right guy yet’ which is infuriating but also I *like* these feelings

But also on the whole chronic illness front - WE FUCKING HATE IT HERE and Im downing ibuprofen like its candy (that is a joke for those that need told). So if my brain could just stop having the 404 error causing both thinking and motor skill problems atm that would be great

Uuhhhhh OH! And therapy is now once a month instead of every other week so I guess thats a plus

Those are my life updates bro how are you?? I miss chatting with you I feel like I never have time to be on here anymore

*answers like a week later* whaaaat I always have time to chat haha 😅😅

Well I’m glad you feel that way! I know personally I can only feel that way with people I’ve met irl even if it’s just meeting them once. I love that feeling though, I’m always chasing that high.

It’s been two months 😭 where has the time gone

I love my best friend to pieces but hanging out with her and her husband was soooo. For someone who’s “autistic and touch-adverse” homegirl SURE did a 180 on that. Third wheel for a week straight 😐 I support her not conforming to social norms even when it’s embarrassed me in the past but like. Boundaries. When you are with someone else. I always made sure that I was never super PDA or hung up on my ex when we were dating because I never wanted to make someone feel like a third wheel and uh. Yeah that’s why.

I just started my meds back up, I’m back on Prozac after my hiatus from taking meds. It reached the point where I’m like “okay yeah maybe my meds were doing SOMETHING even if they weren’t WORKING exactly so MAYBE I should go back on them and be a LITTLE less crazy”. I intend on starting therapy back up. I have free therapy through work, probably Better Help, but it’s probably better than nothing. I already know my data’s on the dark web from all the times my bank account has been hacked so I don’t need to worry about them selling my personal info 😅

I was planning on graduating this semester but that’s not happening :) so next semester it is.

My mom wants to come back up next summer and my best friend and I have been trying to plan matching tattoos and we talked about getting them up there where I got them last time so maybe I’ll see you then! Sick New World already sold out so I guess that plan is a bust 😅

[positivitee]

I curate this blog with only one person in mind: me.

If the things I post bring you happiness too, that’s great! I love that, and you are more than welcome here!

However, at the end of the day, I am making this blog for ME.

About this Blog:

I started this blog because I am autistic, and a lot of the time when I have a meltdown, it can feel like the world is quite literally ending, like nothing will ever be ok again, and everything is hopeless and worthless. Obviously this isn’t true, but in that moment, no matter what I logically know, it FEELS true.

I thought it could be helpful for me to have a place full of things that give me hope or make me happy, something that I could look at when I’m feeling hopeless so that I can have some hope to cling to until I’m feeling better.

I considered making an actual physical journal, but my executive functioning skills are quite poor & I felt like a tumblr blog would have a lot less barriers for me, since I spend most of my time on tumblr anyway.

Important Things to Know:

Because I’m using this basically in lieu of a private journal, I’m probably not going to do research on whether things are fake or AI or reposted or whatever. If I see something and it makes me feel hopeful/happy/etc., I’m going to reblog it. Because at the end of the day, if seeing it makes me feel hopeful, it’s done its job. I don’t really care if it’s fact or fiction, I just care that it’s made me not want to die, at least for a little bit. I wouldn’t be fact checking things I write in a journal, I’m not gonna fact check things on this blog either. If this bothers you please do your own fact checking before reblogging; however, I do NOT want to know if something I reblogged isn’t true, so please don’t send in asks about it! I will be getting on this blog when I am feeling like there is nothing good in the world, to look at these posts to try to make myself feel better. The last thing I want at a moment like that is to get on & see an ask telling me that actually one of the few little glimmers of hope I thought existed isn’t actually true, ya know?

There’s a very good chance things won’t be tagged (or at least, not always). And if I do tag things, my tagging system may or may not make sense or be consistent

I don’t tag for trigger warnings either, sorry. Nothing on here is going to be triggering to me, and since the blog is just for me…yeah. Since the theme of the blog is happiness/hopefulness, I don’t anticipate there being a ton of triggering things, but I also make no guarantees. You’ve been warned 🤷‍♀️

Right now, I’ve got asks & submissions turned on, so feel free to ask or submit something. However, there is a decent chance I will end up turning them off. Since the entire purpose of this blog is for me to be able to come on here during meltdowns to help me feel better, I don’t want to do anything that will make it stressful or make me feel worse. I do tend to struggle a lot with communication & social interaction, so I can see myself getting overwhelmed & needing to turn asks off.

On a similar note, I could see myself making all my posts private & soft blocking everyone some day if I get super overwhelmed so uh. Yeah. Just be aware that could happen 🤷‍♀️.

Most (but not all) of the things that get posted here will probably be queued first. Even with the queue though, there’s still a good chance I’ll disappear for months at a time.

About the Blogger:

I’m in my 30s, she/her. I was diagnosed with autism & adhd a few years ago. My brain makes a lot more sense to me now that I know what autism & adhd are, but things are still really hard & I’ve been experiencing burnout & skill loss for a few years now.

This is a side blog, but I’m not gonna link my main 🤷‍♀️ (can anyone guess what my favorite emoji is lol).

[punksarahreese]

Coming Out | Sarah Reese

Prompt #1 from Nova’s pride 2021 list

Word count: 2224

***

Sarah always felt like maybe she just wasn’t right. There must be something wrong because she never seemed to fit in. With her absent mother and her father who left as soon as he had the chance, she somehow felt alienated in her own home. Back in public school she never had many friends and always spent her free time with her nose in a book. Popular girls turned their nose up at her comfy clothes and unruly curls, claiming she didn’t put enough effort into her look. As she grew up, her social skills never really felt like they improved, instead Sarah would just mirror the actions of those around her in hopes that they would accept it. Yet she still went through high school being called a freak and being called out for “copying” everyone. It never made sense to Sarah, how people could make friends and converse so easily. She felt like she would sound so cliche whenever she thought about it, stating that she never fit in with the other girls, but it was true.

Sarah knew about her bisexuality from a young age, that was no secret to her. She read the term in a mental health book of all places, while she was hidden in a nook of the middle school library. It was common sense to her, of course she liked more than one gender; who didn’t? She would come to learn that sexuality was a bit more complex than that, though it would take a bit more research. It felt so black and white in Sarah’s mind but a lot of people didn’t agree with it, so she let her sexuality remain a secret for a while.

Still, she had her fair share of crushes on girls and boys in almost every stage of her life. One casual girlfriend in her undergraduate program was still the only real experience Sarah had though; until Joey at least. Neither relationship went very far, either due to Sarah’s confusion with all things social or the lack of spark there. She was so busy with school and work, and her partners in both situations just didn’t feel a connection after some time. Joey was an odd one in particular and Sarah wasn’t sure if it had been more of a him thing or her inexperience that ended it. It was weird and the end didn’t hurt as much as it maybe should have.

Her autism diagnosis was not a shock to her, though it had been to her mom. The week of her 16th birthday, Sarah had made a doctor's appointment and asked to be screened. It was the first time she could make medical decisions on her own and she wanted to know already, even though deep down she had a logical hunch. Years of research and even self-screening through countless medical journals had told Sarah she was probably autistic, so she wasn’t too surprised when she got an official diagnosis less than two years later. It was sensical to her really, the way she thought and felt and acted was so different to everyone else, and an actual label made her feel so seen. This was part of why she didn’t fit in, it wasn’t her fault it was the inaccessibility of normal life that made things so much harder. Her mother didn’t agree, she hated the idea of having a neurodivergent daughter; though she would never say it. Instead any mention of autism was ignored and Sarah’s needs were not accommodated until the day she moved out. It was how life at home had always been, as unfortunate as it happened to be.

There was something else Sarah should have seen coming, with her knowledge that she wasn’t the same as everyone else. Autism often came with a disconnect between the definition of gender and one’s identity and Sarah was no exception, since social constructs almost always went over Sarah’s head. She never felt right calling herself a girl and her brain always had a half second protest whenever she ticked the “female” box on any form. Still, she tried not to think about it too much. She didn’t feel like a boy either, she knew that for certain, so that was that.

It was, in fact, not that. As she got older and the internet queer community expanded, Sarah was exposed to more research and experiences of others in her shoes. Genders outside the binary existed, it was made clear to her, and pronouns were not restricted to those assigned at birth. It was a whole new realm of possibility and it scared Sarah more than she was happy to admit. She wasn’t a girl and she knew it, yet she also wasn’t not a girl. It was so confusing, which is why the thought was almost always pushed to the back of the mind, hidden away to worry about another day.

Curiosity got the better of her one day, though, after reading a forum about neopronouns. Someone was talking about their experience using she/they pronouns, stating that it helped them relate to her identity way more than birth assigned pronouns ever had alone. The poster had noted that they always felt detached from femininity and it was almost as if they were culturally female yet mentally out of the binary. It was that comparison that clicked with Sarah and she couldn’t stop herself from testing the theory.

“Sarah uses she/they pronouns,” she stated tentatively, “Their name is Sarah and she uses she/they pronouns…”

The instant gratification shocked her a bit, unsure of why it felt so right to say such a sentence. A few minutes passed as she sat in silence in front of the laptop, mulling it over. Something about the dual pronouns felt freeing, the idea of not being bound to just the ones she was so used to using. Maybe it would be okay to try them out for a while… just to see if it stuck and still felt as validating as it did alone in her living room.

Telling someone was the next step, though, to see if they were actually comfortable with these pronouns being used about her. Sarah was apprehensive, it would be scary to ask someone to use something different, especially after all these years at Med. Still, she had no reason to fear her friends and colleagues, they should be able to accept Sarah’s wishes.

It took a couple weeks before they were ready to bring it up, after a lot more self reflection and some serious deliberation. She thought this felt right, using new pronouns like this. They weren’t too sure if non-binary was the right label for her, but it didn’t matter in that moment. One step at a time was enough and really there was all the time in the world. So one day while a group of them were at April’s apartment for dinner, Sarah decided to speak up during a lull in conversation.

“Um… Can I ask you all something?”

Eyes were on them in a second, with a chorus of nods and agreement following almost immediately. She trusted everyone there, it was only April, Noah, Natalie, and Connor. Connor had brought Doctor Bekker too but Ava had always been nice enough to Sarah so she wasn’t worried. Besides, the rumour was that Ava wasn’t straight, if Sarah chose to listen to gossip, so she of all people should understand.

“What’s up, Sarah?”

Smiling shyly at Noah, who had looked at her curiously when he spoke, they nodded slowly before starting, “Uh… well I have done a lot of thinking lately… I want to try using she/they pronouns. So I want to ask you all to use both sets of pronouns for me.”

The silence scared her at first, instant regret setting in. Sarah wasn’t sure if that was bad or not, especially with the confusion on Nat’s face. Surprisingly enough it was Ava who broke the silence and Sarah caught the sharp nudge to Connor’s ribs that the surgeon gave before speaking.

“Okay, will do. Thank you for trusting us with that, Sarah, especially me since I know we don’t speak often.”

It was the nonchalant words from the blonde that helped them relax a bit, looking at Ava in silent thanks. She glanced at the rest of them shyly, hoping the worry knitting her brow together wasn’t too apparent.

“Um,” Natalie’s interjection was the most feared, though Sarah hated to admit it. It’s not that Nat couldn’t be trusted, she was just a little new to things out of the cisgendered-heteronormative binary and it made Sarah worried she wouldn’t be immediately accepting.

“What exactly does that mean?”

Sarah stifled a sigh of relief, an explanation was understandable and not the worst answer, “So basically I am comfortable with both she/her pronouns like you use but also they/them pronouns in the singular sense. With me you can use them interchangeably, I just like both as opposed to just she/her. I don’t... completely identify as female, I guess you could say.”

“Oh!” Noah nodded, “Like ‘Sarah said she was going to the lab, they will be back soon’?”

Sarah smiled at his excitement to understand, “Exactly like that.”

“It might be hard to adjust at first…”

“But we will still try,” April added to Natalie’s words with a pointed look, “Thank you for telling us, Sarah. We will do whatever you need to feel comfortable.”

“Reese?” When Sarah looked across the table at Connor he continued, “These two sets of pronouns, do you want us to use both at the hospital or just the ones everyone knows you as?”

“Oh yeah,” Ava agreed, “Don’t want to out the resident before they’re comfortable.”

Hearing someone else use “they” while referring to Sarah made them inexplicably happy, unable to stop the little happy hand flap she often tried to mask as she looked at Ava again. The surgeon seemed to notice the grateful glance and she nodded, a charming smile on her lips. Somehow it helped that Ava wasn’t close to her, maybe because her quick acceptance made the whole situation feel safer.

“Um, maybe just keep it between all of us at first,” Sarah answered slowly, “I’m gonna tell Maggie and Doctor Charles eventually, Ethan and Will too, but I want to give it some time before everyone else knows.”

“Got it,” Connor agreed and raised the glass of whatever alcohol he had brought with him, “Cheers to Reese’s self discovery, then.”

That made quite a few of them laugh, especially Sarah, because it eased the tension. It was still a bit weird for them, she knew that it would be an adjustment, yet no one had stormed out or gotten upset so it was a win in their book. It might take some more explanation for some time and some gentle correction, from what she knew, but it was a good start. When the conversation drifted back to lighter matters, talk of work and jokes about other things, it felt like a weight had been lifted off Sarah’s shoulders. It wasn’t perfect but they felt accepted for the most part, which helped.

When April hugged them before everyone left for home, Sarah just thanked her quietly. It went without saying that arguably her closest work friend accepted them wholeheartedly and they would probably talk about it again one on one. April just hugged Sarah a bit tighter, a reassuring murmur that things would be just fine reaching Sarah’s ears.

It was a clear night when they stepped out of the apartment complex, stopping to admire the stars for a moment before heading to her car. A call of her name had Sarah turning, though, and a familiar blonde was hurrying to catch up with her.

“Sarah, hey,” Ava’s friendly smile was visible thanks to the street lights, “I just wanted to tell you I’m proud of you for doing that. I don’t know if anyone has said it to you but I know how hard coming out can be, even as an adult. If you ever need to talk to anyone, I’m around, okay?”

“I-” Sarah felt her cheeks redden a little and they were grateful for the dim lighting that may have hid it a bit, “Thank you, doctor Bekker, that means a lot.”

“Please, call me Ava,” she laughed a little before glancing behind them, “I need to drive Connor home before he tries to walk, I’ll see you at work maybe?”

Sarah pursed their lips, stifling a laugh herself as she watched the other surgeon, clearly more than tipsy, hovering behind them looking lost, “See you then.”

“We can maybe get coffee some day,” Ava added nonchalantly as she turned to walk away, “Bye, Sarah.”

Sarah was left hovering by her car, the blush having returned to settle on her face. Once again their social skills evaded them, wondering if that was an allusion to a date or if Ava was simply being friendly. Either way, the immediate acceptance and friendly gesture from the supposedly cold and competitive surgeon was enough to make her giddy, shocked with how easily things went over. Not only did Sarah successfully come out to half her friends, but they may have made a new one in the process. It wouldn’t always be easy, she knew that, yet this was a situation that they decided to count as a good experience; all things considered.

It made her feel like maybe there had never been anything wrong with them at all. They were Sarah, that’s all, and in that moment maybe she was more than enough for the right people.

[suspiciouscatastrophe]

Slur of affirmation...?

Hello there! I know I’m a self-proclaimed reblogger and my personal ramblings aren’t probably what you follow me for, so I apologize in advance. I just feel I need a blank space to shout my feelings in, so here we go.

TW: the r-slur, casual ableism, a whole lot of imposter syndrome

I am an autistic girl. At least, I like to think I am.

The label is extremely important to me. I was diagnosed late, aged 16, so I spent most of my teenage years and my whole childhood in the dark about what even am I.

I’ve always had issues. Picking up basic skills and being self-sufficient, making friends, expressing myself, controlling my emotions, adapting to social norms, you name it. I’ve experienced both meltdowns and shutdowns and sensory difficulties. I was switching constantly between doubting my capability to feel feelings and dealing with sudden outbursts of rage, gloom and hate towards myself that usually ended up with me yelling at someone or breaking stuff.

I had my special interests that I used to talk about almost constantly (...some things never change) and an atypical speech pattern that has also stayed with me to this day. Coupled with my rather poor social skills and... uh... “fiery” reactions, I was bullied relentlessly all through the kindergarten (2 years) and elementary school (which in our country lasts 9 years). In high school, I was on peaceful terms with everybody but still generally disliked.

Anyway, why am I typing all of this? It sounds like a sob story absolutely irrelevant to the topic.

I just wanted to provide context for my mindset.

When growing up, I didn’t know I was autistic. I didn’t know that there are people just like me, or at least very similar to me, or that some things that I’m being chastised for aren’t actually bad (e.g. stimming), and those that are could get better if only I knew how to protect myself (e.g. meltdowns).

I simply thought I was evil.

And today, a friend of mine called me a r*tard. We have this sort of a slightly questionable relationship where he acts in a very abrasive and demeaning manner to me in public as a running joke but is sweet to me in private. I know, that sounds messed up but since I know he doesn’t mean it and he’s saying it only to be an edgelord, I don’t register it as harmful. But I digress!

Today he said I was “his favorite r*tard” in a public chat after I said hello.

I don’t reclaim the slur in any way, shape or form. I actually find it very uncomfortable and in my friend circle it’s known that I don’t enjoy being called that. The friend in question doesn’t reclaim it either, he’s neurotypical (as far as I know).

But!

It made me feel... good this time?

(that sounds awful, I’m sorry)

I spend a lot of time just casually doubting my diagnosis.

My diagnosis helped me a lot to understand myself, to find resources and people to relate to, to find the vocabulary for my experiences. It helped me hate myself a bit less.

But something in my brain yells that I don’t deserve any of that. I must be a faker, right? Because I always am. I’m a vile pretentious person that only emulates emotions of others and everything about her is fake, made up to garner social points and to sift away resources.

I’m not self-dxed. My stance on self-diagnosis is that it’s valid anyway (at least in case of autism and similar). Professional diagnosis is a privilege that not everyone has.

But even having that coveted paper from my psychiatrist doesn’t help persuade my brain in the slightest.

Because she didn’t diagnose me properly, right?

Basically my therapist did an evaluation and then forwarded me to her saying she suspects I probably am autistic. And the doctor was like, “Whatever,” and she gave my mother a piece of paper.

So when I get called the r-slur that is used to dehumanize and attack neurodiverse people, I feel... affirmed.

They recognize me as an autistic enough to demean me for it!

Today was the first time I felt that. Usually I feel only discomfort around the slur but today... today it was the slur of affirmation and I feel guilty for even saying that.

[cleavedsoul]

also me livid abt every time sb not jkr makes some like ,,, degrading comment abt quiri like ive seen him be called ‘ dumb ravenclaw ’ & im like MAD BC its more than like ‘ this character is a character i love ‘ its literally joanne wanted quiri to be seen as like , a villain but also like made the whole ISSUE OF WHY THAT EVEN HAPPENED something that uh idk it doenst take high comprehension skills to be like ( according to the wiki , but that has sources too )

Many people considered Quirrell to be foolish, avaricious, worthless, and tended to look down on him. Severus Snape confided to Bellatrix Lestrange that he considered Quirrell as a mediocre wizard who was greedy and unworthy;[25] many students saw his lessons to be a bit of a joke undeserving of respect;[12] and Voldemort deemed Quirrell as a foolish and gullible man who he only allied with for his position.[23] 

Even Dumbledore himself, who had retained a level of pity and compassion even for his much more incompetent successor, openly acknowledged that Quirell's fate was well-deserved due to his greed, hatred and ambitions without any care.[4]

oh he was bullied . he’s autistic . he’s been hurt hes sad & lonely & didn’t like being isolated 

also she goes out of her way to like make sure we know he’s YOUNG . 

"A pale young man made his way forward, very nervously." — PS ch5

"A wizard – young, foolish and gullible – wandered across my path in the forest I had made my home. Oh, he seemed the very chance I had been dreaming of ... for he was a teacher at Dumbledore’s school ... he was easy to bend to my will ... he brought me back to this country, and after a while, I took possession of his body, to supervise him closely as he carried out my orders." GoF ch33 

im sorry im almost 27 i dont have my life together , i dont make top tier choices all the time . i can’t always tell what someone else might do to me or that maybe they’re lying . it doesn’t matter how book smart u are when it comes to having to navigate the world it’s SCARY & u dont always do it right . 

lets not get started on jkr’s gross depictions of stutters like uh . i ... UH 

i’d be shocked if people said they DIDN’T relate to what quiri went thru in school . being bullied for being different . wanting to not be excluded because of that . not knowing what to do & being hurt because of the treatment of others , lacking the social support network ? feeling unseen or maybe useless ? 

like ??? guys . in what world is any of this ok .... quiri isnt a “dumb ravenclaw” , he was literally the age of a straight outta secondary / high school into uni maybe a junior year student ( 20-21 ) I HONESTLY JUST DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY im just mad 

[inside-aut-blog]

Autistic Caleb Widogast

Part One

Caleb Widogast of D&D web series Critical Role is widely recognized by the fan community as autistic-coded. There are many, many, many reasons why, and with the episodes numbering well into the dozens it would take several paragraphs to expound on on all of them.

So here’s the first in a series of posts doing precisely that.

EPISODE ONE:

There isn’t much here in episode one, but there is this:

Caleb uses stereotypically autistic speech patterns in the very first conversation he has in the show. Nott draws it to a close with “All right, well, that’s on the to-do list,” and Caleb immediately mirrors her phrasing with “All right, well, let’s get something to eat then.”

Later, down in the bar, Beau asks Nott if she is cold. Caleb misinterprets this to mean “Why are you wrapped up?” and subsequently explains, very defensively, that Nott is a goblin and obviously goblins are not well-liked in these parts and that is why she is wrapped up and Beau should drop it—which is, uh, pretty much the definition of blunt oversharing, no?

Caleb also, for the first time, shares his magic cat with someone else as an expression of kindness and a kind of second-hand socializing. Beau notes immediately that it’s “kind of therapeutic”; right away, Frumpkin is coded as an emotional support animal. (It helps that he takes Frumpkin absolutely everywhere, often choosing to carry him on his shoulders when he can just as easily pop him in and out of the general vicinity with a snap of his fingers.)

Still later, Jester rearranges one of the shops they visit, and Caleb grows nervous the moment he notices it (“A bit of nerves begin to brew up”). On the one hand, this is probably because he’s afraid of getting in trouble with the shopowner, but on the other: getting anxious at the sight of slight changes in your surroundings is pretty quintessentially autistic.

EPISODE TWO:

Caleb offers to give Nott his cat as a distraction from her urges to steal. Once again, Frumpkin is coded as an emotional support animal. And, on top of this, Caleb seems to hold the idea that—well, he helps me, so obviously he’ll help you too!

Nott reassures Caleb that they can leave the group at the drop of a hat if they need to. “They’ll never know who we were,” she says. “...Caleb and Nott,” he says, responding both literally and with a touch of confusion.

Caleb calls a man’s novel “trashy” and seems to realize a second too late that it was rude; he tacks on a very hasty “No judgement.”

Caleb compliment’s Beau’s muscles very awkwardly.

Caleb goes on to say, “We have been in the woods for too long. I’ve forgotten how to talk to people.” And sure, spending time away from society can make people a little weird. But needing practice to maintain basic social skills like complimenting people? Sounds autistic.

Caleb says, later, “I don’t know what you just said, but I am interested in books. Particularly in the arcane realm, but any kind of book.” That ticks two boxes at once: auditory processing troubles and special interests.

At one point, Beau references Frankenstein and Caleb doesn’t understand what she’s saying. It’s possible, out-of-universe, that this was a meta reference to Frankenstein not existing in the story’s universe, but consider—in-universe, Beau must have referenced the story world’s equivalent of Frankenstein, and Caleb did not get that reference. Therefore: Caleb is not only having difficulty following her metaphor, but he’s missed a pop culture reference.

EPISODE THREE:

caleb is nonverbal after he “gets over [his reaction to casting firebolt]”; he “doesn’t say anything, but starts pushing bodies onto the back of the cart”

stays nonverbal for A While; “during all the busywork, i’m not saying anything, but i keep giving worried and stressed glances at my little friend”

in the middle of planning, with zero transition or context, caleb goes, “also i have a cat” and doesn’t offer context til jester goes ?? yes he’s cute?

gets excited & dances in the street w/nott on his shoulders (stim!!)

nott, when caleb ignores jester in favor of reading: he gets like this when he’s studying. he gets very focused, it’s best not to disturb him

“i prefer him as a cat, to be honest, but in a pinch–” change Bad, cat Good

when jester braids caleb’s hair, liam says “it feels nice”; Sensory Good

��i’m a good talker when i have to be”; qualifies the statement, implying it’s an occasional mask he dons when Necessary

E4:

nott: no one’s going to be around to save you if you get into trouble caleb: i’m almost dead already nott: yeah, that’s not good jester: that’s not comforting, caleb

at the very end of caleb’s conversation w/the guard, liam says caleb looks him in the eye, which implies he was Avoiding eye contact before that

caleb, in court, bluntly: i’m a dirty hobo and i reek like yesterday’s garbage

caleb, abruptly: well, you know, this is very fascinating, but i have some errands to run. nott, would you like to run errands with me? we are totally coming back and not leaving on our own undercover

caleb calls the old shopkeep “grandfather”; he does this with other elderly folks in later episodes too [the woman in the melora statue; madam musk], even when he knows their names. seems like maybe an internal rule that he has to refer to old folks this way bc it’s Respectful?

caleb, overexplaining: this is called a bath nott: i’ve heard of them caleb, still overexplaining: a hot bath

E5:

caleb: before i go away, am i looking for anything specific? beau: just people coming caleb, echoing: people coming…

caleb ducks back behind a corner mid-fight & says “nein nein nein"; repetitive speech

caleb later ducks back behind the same corner & says “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”; Big Autistic Mood

coin-counting!!

E6:

[abruptly] “well, my social anxiety is getting the best of me. i’m taking a walk. goodbye” + brisk exit

“sorry, my curiosity gets the best of me, always”; blurts out questions

caleb realizes belatedly that his question abt alfield giving them extra coin was callous, goes “it’s asking a bit much, i was too forward”; low empathy

“i’’m sorry, it’s very noisy in the shop. what did you say?”; APD

the whole conversation in the shop caleb is just–super blunt. “i’ve been on the road a long time and i’m carrying a smell with me, if you cannot tell" “to the point, i like it” “i don’t mean cheap shit” “well, it’s a barn, ja?”

caleb, on being reminded that people are dying: maybe i can put [turning frumpkin back into a cat] on hold, although i really hate to (emotional support animal + Different Is Bad + low empathy)

“we can do both, but there is a timestamp on the people. we should take care of the people first, because then we’re increasing how much gold we will bring in, because if they die then we will not get as much money for them if they are alive”; low empathy + extreme practicality

E7:

“yes, handle this [grievously injured] child, but then we’re very curious to ask a couple–i’ll shut up”; [sing-song voice] low empathy……

caleb: you know, it’s funny, because only about 30 minutes ago i also had a bird, but he was obliterated beau: oh, that’s right caleb: it was very sad. i’ll bring him back tomorrow shakaste: thanks for that caleb, oblivious: he and i, we are [crosses fingers] like that

E8:

jester: well, she’s mostly known for her hmm-hmm-hmm. outside of that, her voice is amazing, you should hear her sing caleb: what does that mean? jester: what does what mean? caleb: hmm-hmm-hmm

E9:

feel like it’s worth noting this is the episode where beau tells caleb “maybe you would know what we’re up to if you went along with the group for once!” & from there on out p much invariably caleb makes it a point to step back & go along wherever the group wants. so–internal rule!

“i’ve got to stop complimenting you, it does not lead to good moments” + immediately walks away

beau, shouting: he said enTHUSIASM! caleb, jumping & cringing: ohH jeez!!

caleb sees that yasha is uncomfortable w/jester hugging her & does an Understanding Nod; yasha says, “i’m very uncomfortable with human touch” & caleb goes “i feel like i know you better now”; reads as Same Hat

gets angry at jester. swipes mud down his face in a wordless fuck-you. doesn’t rly align w/any specific autistic traits but listen. listen. does that seem like the kind of thing a neurotypical would do? i don’t think so.

E10:

molly pins caleb to the wall & caleb does not make eye contact or speak

caleb gets stuck for a bit repeating variations of “who kicks a cat?!?!”

[moiraineswife]

Autistic!Kaz Headcanons

Just bc I can. You should all read @barrelrat‘s initial post about this that initially got me thinking this way/that inspired a few of the following. But basically I couldn’t sleep last night so here we are. 

-Kaz longing for the quiet, peaceful familiarity of the farm when he first comes to Ketterdam. The city is too big, too loud, too bright, too crowded, too much. Everything overwhelms him for the first few weeks, and he clings to Jordie as the only stable, familiar anchor that he has. 

-He picks up magic/sleight of hand quickly/easily because in addition to being a special interest, the constant, repetitive movements he practiced over and over again necessary to let him master the skills are stims. He does this a lot unconsciously. One of his favourites is manipulating small stacks of coins in his hands, or shuffling packs of cards. 

-One of the things that makes him so successful with magic, with conning, with life tbh is his Need to know why. (this is canon, and I love it, so it’s not really a hc but see if I care) His plans are so detailed, so meticulous, and generally go so well because of how thoroughly he understands each and every detail of them. It’s not enough to know that, for instance, Wylan’s timed bombs will go off when he says they will, Kaz needs to understand the mechanics behind them. This helps him spot weaknesses, flaws, and patterns, and is one of the things that makes him so successful. 

-Kaz being touch averse before Jordie’s death. Only now there are images and grief attached to the aversion. That makes it worse but also, in a twisted kind of way, better. Because at least now there’s a Reason behind it, and he can understand it. 

-Kaz plans everything. From breaking into the Ice Court, to basic, every day to-do lists. He can do it all mentally, and keep track of everything that way, but he likes writing it all down. IT’s a way of taking control and it’s grounding/calming. Probably has an old blackboard/some chalk in his office at The Slat. It’s stimmy and it means he can doodle elaborate lists and plans all over it. 

-Most of his stims are small things that he can hide. The streets worked out the notable ones from him a long time ago. He strokes the head of his cane, tracing all of the deep lines and groves in it, lingering on patches that are especially smooth. He flexes his hands - the feeling of the leather gloves curling around them is especially Good. Is also prone to leg dancing and finger tapping (especially to music. He picks out the beats of any nearby music and taps along to the them) But they’re all things that he can be discreet about. He used to hum, but when he was abandoned on the streets it was too much of a giveaway and he trained himself to stop. 

-Kaz saying he has a headache when he becomes overloaded because he doesn’t know how else to explain that he needs to leave this place now. 

-First signs of him heading towards a meltdown is always irritability. He becomes v easily frustrated, snaps sharply if interrupted, becomes frantic if he can’t easily find something, and is agitated and irritated by even small sounds in his vicinity. Will murder you for being too Loud when he’s like this because he just can’t deal with it. 

-Never has meltdowns in front of other people. He instinctively suppresses them in public/on a job. This typically causes a massive shutdown afterwards. he locks himself in his room, turns off all the light, and buries himself in his bed where it’s dark and quiet. He refuses to see anyone during that time, and everyone knows not to bother him/to let him recover in peace. 

-Has shutdowns more frequently than meltdowns. Becomes nonverbal during them, very withdrawn and unresponsive - typically the only communication anyone gets out of him then is nods/shakes of the head. 

-Bad trauma days make his sensory issues much, much worse. Some days he can’t leave his room because the very feel of the air on his skin is too much. He won’t even let Inej see him on those days, he needs to be alone to be able to meltdown/stim and process everything the way he needs to. 

-Occassionally becomes utterly Consumed by short but very very intense special interests. Once developed one in baking, it only lasted about a week but it was Intense. He was covered in flour for days and was constantly trying new things, and tweaking old recipes to make them completely perfect. Only Kaz could turn cake-making into a form of science. He experimented with different methods of mixing, different amounts of flour, the order he added the ingredients in etc etc etc. The Dregs were baffled but delighted. Nina swears she has never eaten better waffles in her entire life. 

-His cane becomes a comfort object, he gets really angsty if he doesn’t have it close at hand at all times. His gloves are comfort objects too, even if he manages to stop wearing them all the time, he always keeps them on him. Inej brings him back a small, smooth, polished stone she found on her travels - it becomes a comfort object, too. He always has it in his pocket. 

-Can recreate maps/building plans he’s studied incredibly accurately....But he has no sense of direction. Frequently gets lost in The Slat. Only manages to navigate the city bc he’s carefully memorised maps/routes/landmarks. 

-APD has him threatening to gag Jesper at least twice a week because ‘I can’t process two different speakers/conversations at once, Jesper shut up.’ 

-Loves listening to Wylan play flute. Will legit sit and listen to him quietly for hours. Wylan starts noticing when Kaz is getting overloaded and, if he’s able, will discreetly play for a little while to help ground him. 

-One time Inej changed her perfume an he became so irritated and bothered and  he couldn’t understand why which was almost more frustrating. Eventually she realised what was wrong. 

-Hates clothes with high/tight collars, they feel like they’re strangling him. 

-I’m not entirely sure if this is possible Heartrender wise, or rather, if it was possible pre-parem but, like, humour me okay? He asks Nina to use her abilities to lessen the quality of his hearing/eyesight/touch, just slightly, and only for short periods of time, but it really helps when he’s becoming overloaded. 

-Will cut you if you fuck with his routine/his plans in any way. (Always has v precise, detailed plans and no, we can’t go there first, because if we go there first then x, y, z will happen, and we won’t be able to do that, and the world will end no just everybody do as I say I have worked this shit out) 

-Absently stroking Inej’s hair = The Best Stim. 

-The pickiest of picky eaters. 

-Kaz ‘I don’t like new things’ Brekker. Nina despairs over him bc he orders exactly the same thing every single time they go out for anything to eat. 

-One time a restaurant took his item off their menu and Kaz Twitched uncomfortably until the owner told him they kept a few of the necessary ingredients on-hand for him so he could still have it. All of Ketterdam relaxed and a shrine was later built to this good woman’s sense. 

-Had to carefully teach himself to read each individual person’s tone/expressions/body language etc for each job. He constantly studies people and improves his understanding of them - it’s like watching for tells in a fight/card game, but with everything. Keeps very detailed, very extensive notes. Doesn’t realise that not everyone has to do this until Nina spots his notes on her and is just like ??? Kaz ??? is this necessary ????? 

-Dsypraxia!Kaz - performs incredible precise, delicate, deft lock-picking one minute. Bangs into the corner of a desk the next bc it was moved an inch to the right of its usual spot. 

-One day, Mathias decides to be ‘helpful’ and sets about fixing up The Slat. Kaz walks in and freezes. ‘No.’ ‘But the floorboards were creaking here so-’ ‘No.’ ‘The roof leaked a little, I thought-’ ‘No.’ ‘The carpets were-’ ‘No.’ ‘The paintwork could use a little freshening u-’ ‘No.’ Kaz threatens to drown him in the fresh tin of paint he has open and ready next to him and methodically undoes all of Mathias’ fixes until the Slat is creaking, whistling, leaking, and tripping people up as it should. 

-One time Nina got bored and decided to rearrange the furniture ‘for a change’. This did not go down well. 

-Gunshots are sensory hell tbh. 

-Views literally everything in terms of business arrangements bc it’s the only way he’s learned to really make sense of social interactions?? People are loyal to him bc he knows their secrets, and bc he’s the most beneficial to their interests than any other gang leader in Ketterdam. People will do favours for him bc he’s done things for them in the past/would do in the future. ‘I will make you waffles today, and you will promise to help me with my sensory shit at a later date when I need you to. The deal is the deal.’ ‘Uh...Kaz...We’re friends?????’ Kaz: *this does not compute* *Nina sighs and just nods and yes, yes, u strange boy, just prepare me my waffles* 

-He slowly starts to understand things on a more personal/intimate/informal level when he’s with Inej and they start getting closer. But he still, at the end of the day, rationalises/makes sense of everything via a structure that’s simple, and logical to him, and that’s by viewing it as a job. Inej is patient with him, and pretty understanding...As long as he never gets to the point of, like, ‘I have kissed you three times today, this equates to a ten minute leg massage, I would like to cash this in now, please.’ (He never does. (Except once when he was teasing her about it and she just like ffs, kaz, u had me for a minute there.)) 

-Has a ‘mutually beneficial relationship’ with a stray cat he insists he hasn’t adopted. He feeds it and gives it somewhere warm to sleep. In return it is an A++++ stim toy. V soft and it’s a great, warm presssure stim when it curls up in his lap which is obviously the only reason he lets it do this. But he has not adopted it, this is strictly a business arrangement- I can see you rolling your eyes at me, Nina. (Its name is ‘Demjin.’) 

[hellogerbils]

Code Gray

It was a safe place to have a complete breakdown and not worry that everyone was judging me or laughing at me. We’re all in there for the same reason – we can’t function – and we don’t magically start to function behind locked doors and on medications. Medications can take weeks to work; this was a short-stay unit with the average length of stay being three to five days. 

But I was not okay. I was literally not in my right mind. I had to adjust to stopping my old medications and starting new ones, and I had horrible anxiety attacks during which I actually begged for a padded room. They called security on me after I stabbed the wall with a pencil and I asked the guard if he could tase me. The warnings of Code Gray; combative patient broadcast over the loudspeaker didn’t help my state of mind. I thought it meant there was a shooter in the building. It took a while to sink in that the warning was because of me.

At thirteen days on the ward, I was already the veteran. I was the only one there for her first hospitalization, and the one who ended up being kept the longest, after finding out there really is no such thing as voluntary commitment. Sure, you can leave any time you want…as long as you are not declared unfit for release by your doctor and then ordered to be detained. So basically, you sign in voluntarily, and if you try to leave, they commit you. 

Not that I didn’t need it. But I hate not being able to control what happens to me, and I hated that they wouldn’t give me a discharge date, so I tried to leave. I already knew they had called the police after I checked in, as a failed suicide-by-cop in probably the lamest attempt ever, which included writing to the local Superior Court judges to let them know it would be a justifiable shooting. I had agreed to surrender my firearms and I gave up my house keys so they would be gone when I got home. 

But they ordered me to be detained until I could be sent to a long-term facility, so I started asking some of the other patients what the state hospital was like.

“What you in for? You try to kill yourself?”

“Uh…sort of…actually, I’m an autistic sociopath.”

Another woman spoke up: “What’s that? Like serial-killer shit?” 

From across the room, a clinical-sounding monotone: “Actually, most sociopaths are not murderers. They just don’t feel emotions in the way other people do. And since she’s autistic she doesn’t bond with people either.”

That’s pretty much it, to put it very simply. Although no one displays 100% of the symptoms of their illness or personality disorder 100% of the time, generally I do not feel emotions and I do not form attachments to people. Clearly there are exceptions; I attach very well to other autistic people and I can feel emotions that stem from involuntary, innate survival mechanisms. But there is a reason I don’t cry at work and why it’s nothing to me to be exposed to horrific images of pointless violence – I don’t empathize. Not because I don’t care that someone’s child has died, but because in my mind I’m simply performing a task at hand. I am an artist and human remains are my medium. I am motivated by a desire to do well at my job and I enjoy the challenge of working on remains that are considered non-viewable. But it’s just not possible for me to think, this could be my kid. It isn’t my kid. It’s my job. I think part of the reason I can do it so well and really hone those skills is because I’m not overwhelmed with emotion.

There are degrees and variances of severity of any mental illness, though these are not measurable. Either a person needs treatment or does not; can function independently or cannot. I seem to have the ability to interact with people on an interpersonal level if they are experiencing crushing grief. Maybe because I know what it’s like, or maybe because I’ve been doing it for so long.

 So, much in the way that not all people with schizophrenia hear voices and not all depressed people are suicidal, there are times when I feel almost like a regular person. Sometimes I even want to be around other people and know what it’s like to have relationships and conversations, though I frequently bungle this because I don’t know how to act. 

“What if you saw an old lady carrying a heavy bag of groceries and the bag broke…would you stop and help?”

People like to present hypothetical what-if scenarios, usually to try and “prove” that I’m not really a sociopath or perhaps because they want to hear someone actually say, “No, I wouldn’t help; I’d kick her oranges into the street and throw mud on her.” Of course I’d help, and I have helped in similar situations – once where a kid alone in the gym dropped a barbell on his neck, and another time when a woman alone in a handicapped stall had fallen out of her wheelchair. I’m sure there have been others, but these two stood out because there was an immediate risk to the person involved and thinking about whether I had the time or desire to help out just wasn’t an option. I sprang into action and I believe anyone else would have as well. 

But part of a willingness to help others stems from a desire to “pass” in society. I am willing to act in certain ways that assure I can live independently and work in my field. Sometimes that includes forced social interaction and small talk, which is nerve-wracking for me. Sometimes it includes exposure to unpleasant stimuli that is torture for an autistic person. Most autistic people have sensory processing difficulties, with certain stimuli being too much to handle. Eye contact usually tops the list, and we force ourselves to make fleeting, intermittent eye contact or to stare at a person’s nose or forehead in hopes they won’t know something is “wrong” with us.

For me, along with eye contact, stimuli that literally drive me crazy are the sounds of multiple human voices; disembodied human voices; and the feeling of water on skin. This is why I don’t watch TV or talk on the phone, and why I hate showering…but I will get in the shower so I can “pass” as a neurotypical (normal) person. I can usually watch cartoons, since the voices do not sound human, and I can also talk on the phone with people I personally know, since I can easily picture them.

Are sociopaths violent?

Not always. But one does not get such a diagnosis without first capturing the attention of mental health professionals, meaning you first have to be noticed as someone who is a danger to herself or others. In my case, I was determined to be both, and my danger to others was considered to be partly due to the long-term use of a certain medication (Prozac) and partly due to the way I learned how to live. My earliest memories all include violence and being turned over to the state. Theoretically, it’s possible to unlearn such personality traits that developed as survival mechanisms, but it’s extremely unlikely for this to happen in an adult. I’m just not motivated. I care about my job and the handful of people with whom I’ve been able to establish some kind of connection. Managing my mental health is only for the purpose of staying out of the hospital, not for becoming a better person overall. 

But I still want to become a better person in the eyes of a select few. Maybe I can be improved, if not fixed.

“As a child, did you torture small animals? Attack adults? Mutilate dolls? Trash others’ belongings? Get suspended from school? Get expelled?”

Yes to all, I answered as the forensic psychiatrist continued to pick my brain. He asked if I watched a lot of violent TV. I watched no TV…yet I staged an elaborate torture scene with other kids’ Barbie dolls. While other kids cut off Barbie’s hair, I cut off her arms and legs, drew slash marks all over her body, and set her up on the floor of the Barbie mansion with a bunch of Ken dolls standing over her. For some reason, I had dressed them in Barbie’s clothes.

I asked the doctor if he was familiar with the case of Mary Bell. He wasn’t, so I told him. She was a British girl who, at the age of ten, killed two smaller boys by strangulation, carved her initials into and sexually mutilated one of them, and bragged about her crimes. She was sentenced to an indefinite prison term and was released in her early twenties…and she got married. Became a secretary. Had a daughter. Had a granddaughter. She never offended again.

 “So if she could one day be normal, is it possible that I could be as well?”

“Yes…yes, I think with continued treatment, you will not be a danger to anyone…I had one more question. As a child, did you also throw things?”

Throw things?! Is this the clincher? Is he not yet certain that I have psychological problems? If I say I have no recollection of throwing things, do I get sent home? I had confessed to – before the age of eight – setting fires, biting kittens until they were bleeding, and staging Barbiedoll mutilation scenes, and this doctor wants to know if I threw things. 

I sure did. One day, I got to school early and filled an old sock with mud, and repeatedly threw it against an outdoor wall. Later I got called into the office. The mud-filled sock was in a cardboard box on a desk (was it really necessary to save it?) and the principal asked, “Can you explain this?”

Another thing about autistic people: it’s common for us to take things extremely literally. I explained it. It was a sock full of mud. I guess it wasn’t the explanation he wanted to hear. 

Finally, after a life filled with violent acting out in an attempt to establish some kind of control and feel bigger for once, I was ordered to be held involuntarily and indefinitely.To be continued…